Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - JOE ROGAN'S COMEDY MOTHERSHIP - #240 - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Monday, April 24, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!    Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Blue Chew & Better Help…   DRAFTKINGS  New customers can make a $5 pregame moneyline bet & score $150 in bonus bets if their team wins. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use promo code JOEY.   Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA) 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS).   Bet $5 Get $150 offer (void in MA/NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-game moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. No Sweat Bet: Valid 1 per customer. Opt-in req. NBA same game parlay bets only. Min 3-leg. First bet after opting-in must lose. Paid as one Bonus Bet based on amount of initial losing bet. Max. wagering limits apply. Ends at the start of the final NBA game each day when offered.   BLUECHEW Support the show & try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com promo code JOEY   BETTER HELP  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ & get on your way to being your best self.   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's a beautiful Monday. The 24th of fucking April. Tremendous. One more week and the book comes out. That's it. Monday, Tuesday, May 2nd. The book comes out. This week is the last week of the fucking month.

So we gotta end the month strong. April showers bring May flowers. Get ready to sling some fucking dick. It was a very interesting month. I tell you, I did more this month. I roughed it more this month than I have in the last three years. And I'm happy I did, guys. You know, sometimes your life gets too easy.

And you say to yourself, fuck, I need something to throw me off. But if I roughed it this, I haven't roughed it like this in three fucking years. So this is the best month I've had in three fucking years. Law and order. I couldn't sleep in the hotel. I thought I was gonna fucking die. I fucking walked to the set. Everything worked out.

And then the trip to Austin was just... Listen, guys, I didn't want to get on a fucking plane. And I know I've been saying this for the last fucking two years. But it was time. It was time to get out of... You gotta get out of your comfort zone in time to times in life. It can't be all fucking, you know, waking up and the sun's out. You gotta do something different, even if you don't want to do it.

Sometimes you have to force yourself to do shit even when you don't want to fucking do it. And I didn't want to go to... I'll tell you, all week I was like... But I really wanted to go down there. I really, really wanted to go see what Joe had done. It wasn't about the podcast. It wasn't about smoking weed. It wasn't about any of that shit.

I had to promote the book. The book company was breaking my balls about going down there. And, you know, he opened the club and he worked so hard. And I just wanted to go down there and see what he did. And I tell you what, I'm happy I fucking did, man. For starters, you know, like I was telling you guys about a month ago, you can't open up YouTube without fucking hate videos. You know, every day it's...

Brendan, this guy hates this guy. This podcast hates this podcast. You know, there's so much hate to be fucking going around. So I don't know what's going on after time. But I do see a lot of, from time to time, I see Rogan hate mail, you know? And I go, you know, if they only really knew. If they only really knew.

Thank God Joe doesn't say a lot of his personal shit. Unlike me, I'm a fucking idiot. Joe keeps laughing to himself. A lot of aces close to his heart. Or whatever the fuck the expression is, right? And it was just good to see what he did. He made what I called it after a three-day assessment in my mind, because I'm the type of guy, listen,

I'm not going to be able to give you a fair assessment of mine, anything. It's like listening to an album for the first time. It sounds good, you know, but let me listen to it a few times. With me, I need to see it and then process it. And after three days, I'll tell you what I'm going to process for you guys. And this isn't really, listen, I'm talking, I'm sorry about this. This is for the consumer as much as other comics. But it's the comedy store on steroids.

That's all I could say. Errol Smith is Errol Smith. Guns and Roses is Errol Smith on steroids. If you really think about it, there's just one level of more explosiveness. This is what this comedy store is. This comedy mothership is. It's for the comic. You know guys, and you like sitting at home going,

what do you mean for the comic? Okay. There's a lot of comedy clubs that you go to and they never thought about the comedian. They never thought about a green room. The green room is the most important fucking room in that comedy club. Because that's the last minute where a comic collection starts. Some comedy clubs you go to don't even have a green room. You sit in the guys office smelling chicken cutlets.

His cats looking at pictures of his ugly fucking family, you know, half these clubs don't give a fuck. When you go to those clubs, you go, oh, very interesting. You know, I've been to clubs that are grand opening. You know what a green room is? A green room is fucking like when you're going to court, that room they put you in, when you're in your orange fucking, it's the same fucking shit. That's not a green room.

We work with it. We bad with it. We work around it. You know, when you go to the Pap's Theater in Milwaukee, that's a fucking green room. They got a pool table. They got a fucking, a fucking, did you know that in the Pap's Theater? They have not a jukebox, a fucking turntable and a wall of albums. Every album, every fucking mate.

You could play, they have an espresso bar with an espresso chick there waiting for you. They have, they put out every type of fucking food. This is whether it's a little guy or a fucking Louis CK or Dave Chappelle. They do the same thing for everybody. So it's a pleasure to go back there. Okay. The sound that Joe Rogan's is fucking phenomenal. Okay.

I'm not one of the, listen, I'm deaf. I'm deaf. So everything sounds the same to me. You know what I'm saying? But from the stage, what I heard out in that audience and how it came out, it was tremendous. The sound is great. The fucking, the stage was great. But the most important thing about, okay, listen, they just got there.

They're still high off the, you know, they're high. These people that are working there are high. Like they're fucking not high on weed or high on drugs, but it's a high to work in there. They've been telling me who's been going into the last two weeks. It's like fucking endless. Who goes in there from Bill Bird or Dean Delray, the fucking Roseanne Bard. I mean, it's just the people Dave Chappelle, some fucking people from sports world were down there last week. Just to watch a comedy show, somebody from Memphis or something.

It's, it's, uh, he did something really good for the comics. He invested in comedy. He didn't invest himself. He's got $300,000 million. What's he ever fucking about? He did. He made an investment for comics for all you fucking haters out there for you people who know somebody who hates them. COVID, whatever the fuck.

Guys, it's all bullshit. You know, and that's, you know, when he went to El Nido, when I took him to El Nido, he wrote a report about El Nido. He wrote like a, he put a picture up. And I'll never forget this thing he wrote. He goes, I'm paying attention to the, to all the little things that they do at El Nido. You know, they do little things. You could see it. It's just, it's amazing when you go to El Nido sometimes because you, what they do with food is fucking tremendous.

And it's all to the T, you know, it's all fresh. And so he wrote something about that. And I didn't look at it from that perspective. But that's a perspective he looks at things from. He looks at, like, when he looked at that comedy club, he was like, I don't want it to just be a comedy club. I want it to be the best fucking. There's an elevator in that motherfucker. I was taking that elevator.

I'm not walking up all those fucking stairs. I just did PRP in it. But it's great to see, you know, the last 10 years, guys, listen, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a fucking, I'm a criminal. I'm a criminal. When I walk into a theater and the people like, oh, you know, Al Capone performed here 18 years ago and look at this piece of art. It's all great. I just came to make these motherfuckers laugh and to pick up a check.

I didn't come here to look at fucking art. I really didn't. I mean, I'm a fucking animal. I really don't care what the fuck. Just get me to the stage. Let me loose. Let me go make them laugh. Let's wrap this motherfucker up.

Get a check. Get the fuck out of there. When I went to Rogans, I was paying attention to all the small details. He did so many. There's a bar downstairs called Mitzi's. That's beautiful. Just for the fucking comics, you know, just for the comics to go down and not feel pressured with other people, blah, blah, blah, blah. He did all those little things, you know, he's very, very fucking serious when it comes to that green room.

People don't understand what a green room is. He took it to the point where you can't get in there unless you got a fucking code. There's no just walking in. You're not going to walk in. And he made it clear like agents and this and that. I don't want you up here. I don't want you up here commiserating taking energy from these fucking people. Stay outside.

Go to the bar if you're not performing. And that's what a green room is. I love doing the Sony theater. I love it. I love it. I hope to go back next year. I fucking love the place. The only thing I'm going to change is what was going on in my green room.

When I get down, I don't want to see anybody down there from now on. I don't want to see anybody down there. They say no fucking party. The same Rick James down there giving out quailudes. It's just people getting ready for a comedy show. And people want to go down there and mess with them thinking that that's what I don't want to see nobody. I don't want to see nobody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take a seat, get a cocktail and relax. I'll need to see you before the show. These people that come down, we want to wish you luck. Get the fuck out of here. I've done this 10 million fucking times. I don't want to know. Look, sit in your seat and I'll see you afterward. We'll jump up and down.

That's peace of mind, guys. That little green room is and I realize it this week what when I was doing the Sony theater, I would get that. I'd be aggravated. I'd be fucking aggravated. Why would I? I'm going to make people laugh. What I want to get fucking aggravated for. So that's it.

I'm banning fucking. That's it. That's the way to do it. When I was doing the improvs with Lee and all this shit, it was just me and Lee in a room. Maybe the other comedian. Just talking. All of a sudden, since I moved to Jersey, everybody wants to go to the green room. No.

And I realized how important it was. I can tell what Rogan did. Not only did he hold the green room sacred. He put a chair by both stages because you have so much going on before you go on stage and they'll tell you the lights on. The light means you need to walk up to the stage. When you walk up the stairs to the fucking stage, you know, the people go, okay, you need anything. You're like, no, I got my water. When you sit there, those last three minutes before you go up, that's your world.

Everything else is background music. That's your last three minutes of alone time, of time that you could focus on what you want to say, what you want to do. You get over your nervousness. You smoke that last cigarette. You do whatever the fuck you do as a superstitious and you go up on stage. But even that, and it's not a two million dollar chair. It's a simple chair. Just a fucking table chair.

That's it. That's all you need. And he's got a pad there and a piece of paper. There's cigarettes. There's weed. There's everything there in case you need it. He's prepared. That does something to you.

You know, I told people for years, I did a thousand fucking movies. These movies were on the last week. A couple of you guys reached out to me, the Dick Van Dyke movies. I did two lifetime movies with Dick Van Dyke. I thought I did one. I did two of them. And I'll never forget this. They didn't pay me scale.

Was I angry? Not at all. That's what the job paid. They're a company. This is what they do. But the thing that made me happy about them was when you walked into the fucking dressing room, there was a basket. There was a basket.

Whatever. A bottle of wine, a t-shirt, a box of crackers, some fucking, you know, Vermont's favorite cheese. Tastes like shit. Yeah. It's the same shit. But just a thought. Just a thought. It makes you feel so much better.

It makes you feel, okay, I'm appreciated. I'll work that extra 10 minutes. I'll do this. I'll jump off a cliff for the shot because they appreciated me. You know how many times I walked into a comedy room or something? They don't give a fuck. Listen, near do I. I'm there to pick up a check.

I'm not there to fucking analyze your fucking hospitality. But I make a mental note of it. You have to. You're making them a lot of money. You're making money with them. And there's some people don't give a fuck. You go up to Nebraska. You go to the funny bone in Nebraska.

In whatever names I can't think of a name now. She treats you like a king. I can tell you there's eight comedy club owners that treat you like a king. Then there's 35 of them that you don't even see for the weekend. You know, you can't even come down a Thursday night and shake my hand. There's all those little things. Rogan lives at that club. He lives at that club.

He lives at that club. He's there to welcome people, you know, the fucking hotel. He puts the comics in the tremendous. You don't have to hear people yelling in the middle night because everybody's trying to save 10 bucks. But by saving those 10 bucks, you turn that guy off. He's not going to come back. You know, that's the most important thing is feeling. Appreciate it.

That's all I've ever wanted to feel. I don't want you to kiss my ass. I don't want you to feed me grapes. I don't want you to lick my balls. I don't want you to do nothing. I just want to feel like you were happy that I was there. I mean, for me, I don't give a fuck. I'm going to go there and take your money anyway.

But it just gives you, you know what? Next time I'll come here, I'm going to fucking write more. I'm going to be a lot better for these people because the club is great. And that's what makes a big difference in comedy, man. It's not the money they pay you. If I did this for money, guys, you're crazy. I did this to be funny all those years and through the years, you meet different people, you talk with different people

and you see what works and what doesn't work for you. I got to tell you something. Fucking Rogan did it with this one. He really fucking did. And Austin, as far as Austin as the city, I didn't recognize it. I remembered a few spots. It's grown. They've really listened, man.

Growth is a beautiful thing to see. Some people don't want to see growth. Some people know what comes with growth, you know? Around the corner from where I was staying, they're building the biggest building in Texas. It's going to be a high rise. You can't see the state capital from everywhere now. They've built so much in the last two years.

I mean, they've done, you know, and it's going to be the capital for comedy. I am convinced after what I saw this week, it's the capital for comedy. If you're a young comic and you want to learn the business from A to Z, I'm not talking to move down there to hang out with Joe Rogan. I'm talking about the cap.

They got to keep creaking the cave. They've got helium coming. They've got Cap City, the Vulcan, the Sunset Strip comedy room, and a thousand other other places that do comedy. If you're serious, really serious about comedy, you're just like, oh, you know, I get it. But if you're serious about your trade and about your art and you really want to improve and really want to see it

from the inside out, that's the fucking town to do it. You know, everybody always, listen, when you went to LA to find riches and all that shit, most of these people that go to LA to find riches, they'll tell you, there's not really a market for transitioning. Somebody said something to me interesting years ago. When I got to the longest yard, my agent called him to put me on a radio show, and the guy said,

we're not in business of making stars. We just put stars on here. I was mad for about 10 minutes. I understood that. I understood where he was coming from, and I got it. That guy calls me today to do work for him. I will not do work for him. His partner calls me all the time because he got thrown off the radio

and he's an idiot anyway, but he was cool like that. You know, I'm not in the business of making stars. Well, that's the problem with LA. Everybody goes to LA to be a star, and everybody forgets what they went there for, which is fucking comedy. You know, if I took away the podcast and if I took away movies and film and television,

and I took away anything and I just focused on stand-up, it would be scary. Because I was scary with everything going on. Could you imagine if you withdraw everything and just focus on stand-up like at Dave Chappelle? People want to know why Dave Chappelle is so good. You don't have to do 10 podcasts a week. You don't see Ali Wong doing a podcast.

You know, we just jumped on it. We thought it was the hip thing to do. It don't work for people, but look at the people that just focus on stand-up. When you start stand-up, you want to be around people who just focus on stand-up. Not fake people in your open mic scene. That's why you go to a better open mic scene.

You start at your open mic scene. They give you a little shit. You get kicked in the head a few times. You get drunk in public. Nobody wants to fucking talk to you no more. You got to move to another fucking open mic city. And that's where you get strengthened. I started in Denver, but I strengthened up in Seattle.

That's where I became a fucking feature act. And then I moved to Los Angeles, which made my trek a lot easier. Now listen, Crystal Lea walked into the comedy store the first time and got on stage. God bless him. You know, I'm not mad at Chris for that. I know a lot of people who started in Los Angeles

and they're very successful today, but when you look at how many to the compare success, you'll go, yeah, I get it. It's a small percentage. It's such a... You know, as a human being, as a comedian, as a business person, you play percentages. Where can I be the strongest that I could be?

If I moved to LA, I'm going to be at 10%. But if I moved to a city like Seattle to develop, I'm going to be at 50%. There's more of a chance for me to grow there. There's more of a chance for me more people to start from the ground floor with a booker. In LA, people run out there to be famous and to be rich and to be superstars,

and they run into that. No, guys. You go somewhere else and develop. You read all these... I was reading somebody's story the other day. They were doing a traveling fucking theater six years ago. You know, whatever.

What's that thing called when you go from town to town and do, like, I don't know, some fucking... No, like a production. Like a production of, I don't know, Chicago that travels across the country, like you do Tusha. It's like comedy tour. It's like a comedy tour.

Can you imagine doing that for acting? The acting strength that you're going to come out. They've always said that when you do theater, if you really want to do acting, like if you really want to act, not be famous. You got to break all this shit up, not be on hanging on with Jay Leno

and hanging on Jimmy Kimmel. If you just want to learn to act, you can do a play. But, Joey, don't pay. Nothing pays. Crime pays in the beginning, but that don't pay. That's not going to fucking pay you in the beginning.

You're going to get $10 a week plus per diem. But the money doesn't matter if you really love acting. If you really love stand-up. Like, I love stand-up. I did. In the beginning, I fucking... I didn't care about money. I didn't get into this to be fucking rich.

I got into this to fucking do something with my life. And God forbid, I stuck with it and something happened. You know what the percentages of that are. You know, if you play percentages, what are they? What are they for me to really start in Boston, move to New York, develop, and then become a big fucking comedy star in LA? The percentages are against you.

But if you got heart and balls, then if you do it correctly and work smart. I was a stupid motherfucker, but for some reason with comedy, I learned how to work smart. For years, I was just an Irakawa, you know, like some fucking crazy Indian. But it's when you start working smart

and start planning your fucking moves that you see that growth immediately. Listen, with Jiu-Jitsu, I was going to Jiu-Jitsu fucking four years in LA. I was getting beat up every fucking day. I still get beat up every day here, but the same thing happened with my Jiu-Jitsu lately. Since I don't have to do 10 podcasts a week,

get on a plane on fucking Thursday, write comedy, do all this shit. I'm absorbing more Jiu-Jitsu because it's the less I got to focus on. So you young comics that are doing a podcast early on and are doing stand-up. Listen, it's great. I think you're doing the right fucking thing

because whether your podcast succeeds or not, at least you tried it. At least you know what the fuck is going on. And if it don't work your second or third year in comedy, I guarantee you one thing. It'll work your seventh year in comedy because you're more experienced. You know what I want to do.

I'm very happy how I picked apart my career. You know, I see a lot of comics now putting improv sets on Instagram. Listen, I'm not mad at you. You do what the fuck you want. It's your career. But nobody wants to pay $25 to see a game of chance. Do you find what I'm saying to you?

Don't get me wrong. The first few years of comedy, I spoke to the audience and then when I moved to New York, that's a really bad habit that you pick up in New York speaking to the fucking audience, okay? When these people put up these reels and speaking to the audience, it's great. You're getting on stage, I'm proud of you.

But everybody's doing that shit. Why are you putting that reel up of you talking to the audience when everybody's doing crowd work fucking chronicles? If you want people to come see you, you want to... Yeah, no. Miss Pat does crowd work chronicles or something like that and it's great. I love Miss Pat.

But I see a lot of younger comics trying to do the same thing and put upsets with you doing straight comedy. Never mind that. You don't want them seeing you do that shit. That's what everybody's doing. But the people that are doing it, I've been doing it for 15 years. You're trying to do that three years. So you follow what I'm saying?

There's steps to this fucking thing. There's steps to this motherfucker, do you understand me? But anyway, you pick your own decisions. Back to the Rogan thing. I love a lot of comedy clubs. There's some great comedy clubs in the country. I love Cleveland, fucking Milwaukee. I love the club up in fucking...

Not Vermont. I don't even know. Up by Boston up there. Not Maine or... Maine, not Maine, the other town. It's got a... Providence, Rhode Island. That's a great fucking club.

The guy gives a fuck about you. You know, the stand, Patrick, they do... You know, they fucking... Gotham is fucking great. They take care of you. A lot of clubs you walk into, they fucking... They go out of their way. They at least show that you're a little fucking happy

and that's all I ever wanted. We'll end with that real quick. I got a break for a sponsor break here. Give me three minutes and I'll rewrite back, cock-suckers. All right. It's NBA Playoff Time. That means big hoop action with Draft King Sportsbook, the official sports betting part of the NBA.

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for details and state-specific responsible gaming resources. Thank you. I want to thank DraftKings and I want to thank you, Savages. We're back, motherfuckers. Don't forget, DraftKings is always motherfucking there for you. Back to the podcast. Anyway, what I was talking about was this. I got to talk about something else that was bothering the fuck out of me.

I hope you guys, I gave you a 420 Surprise. The 420 Surprise was me going on Joe. I know that a lot of people have been bothering me. It's so weird. Whenever I start talking to Joe about getting on the podcast, it never fails. As soon as I hang up with Joe, I get a tweet. Have you spoke to Joe lately?

It's time to get you back on Rogan again. Like people fucking know when it's time again. I got like 20 things. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it last week, so I didn't say nothing. I wasn't sure. I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought I'd get to the airport and crap out and come home

and then Joe would be mad at me. But no, I was excited to go down there. It was fucking great going down there. The only problem was this, guys. And I've been talking about this. I don't want to fucking harp on this shit, but I'm not going to be getting on a plane for a while. I will not be getting on a fucking plane for a while.

You know, man, I don't like to get abused. I don't like paying to get abused. The flight from Newark to Austin was phenomenal. I flew United and I flew United on the way back. I've never really had problems with United. They're not my favorite airline, okay? It's always been like Delta, JetBlue, American. I've always thought of United as the last one.

The problem is United's hub is Newark, so now I'm fucking stuck with them. If I want to fly, I got to fly fucking United. The flight home, guys, was basically a fucking nightmare. And for me, I had done what I went down to do. I could look you guys in the eye and tell you, I was not upset at all. At all, by no means was I upset.

I knew this was part of doing business, but I had a decision to make, whether I want to keep doing this or not doing this. And guys, it's not for me anymore. The flight was a 6 a.m. flight. I couldn't even do the second show with Joe's, because I got there and I couldn't sleep that night. When you get off a plane, you're not going to fucking sleep.

And then I got up early and I had a bunch of calls to make and radio, I had to do a radio show and fucking Reno for a friend of mine. I don't even know if it aired yet. I was tired, but I had a 6 a.m. flight. The car was picking me up at 4 fucking 15. I want to at least get three or four hours before I get on a fucking plane.

So I didn't even see Red Band. I saw Duncan. I saw Russell Peters. I saw fucking Mrs. Segura. She looked fucking beautiful. Christina P. looked fucking beautiful, man. I saw a lot of great people. So I was happy, but I really wanted to stay for Red Band.

Red Band got stuck at the Vulcan. I get up at 4 o'clock. I get up like 3 30. I get up, I check my master's, nothing. All right, we're ready to fucking go. I wash my pussy. I drink some coffee. I eat a protein bar.

I get to the fucking airport. I get to the airport at 4 30. The flight's at 6. Guys, I walk in and right down the board, canceled. I go, what time is the flight now? 11. I said, it's 4 30. I got to eat breakfast, hang out, read a little bit.

I'll stay at the airport. You know what the lady told me? She goes, you can't. I'm not checking you until 10. So I don't know what to tell you. That's what she told me. I was like, okay. Well, where are you going to sit in that fucking,

and if you can't pass that fucking thing, you just, there's no restaurant. You got to pass the fucking alarm systems. The security check to fucking do anything. So what are you just going to sit there? No weed. No role joints. I had no, the edibles was in the fucking luggage.

I have nothing to attack. So I said, fuck this. I took an Uber back to the hotel. I didn't even check out. I never checked that. I took the card with me because they do automatic check out anyway. They, they realize it. Yeah.

So I didn't check out. So when I walked back in, I just said, can you redo my card again? Boom. I went up to my room and I hit the crib. I got a text. The plane takes off at 11. I fucking shot to the airport. 11 o'clock.

10 o'clock. Quarter to 10. Sure enough. I walk in the door. Planes been moved to 11, 12. Okay. 12 minutes ain't going to kill nobody. 11, 12.

I walked to security. I sit down, beep. My pager goes off or whatever my text goes off. It got pushed to 11, 31. Okay. That's 20 more minutes. No big fucking deal, but I know what's coming. Got pushed to 11, 48.

I got up. I went over and then I went over to my fucking favorite of all time, the barbecue joint down there. I forget the name, but at the airport, they have met at all the fucking Houston, whatever it's called, slim, whatever the fuck it's called. I'm killing time. Again, guys, I'm not cheap. I love to eat.

You know, I'm a fat fuck. I love all this shit. I can't see. So I put my glasses on guys. They wanted $25 for a brisket platter. Salt lick barbecue who I love. I've been eating the salt lick since 1990 fucking seven. I love salt lick.

You understand me? They wanted 25 bucks at the end. Now again, I'm not thinking about me. I'm thinking about you. You're two boys and your wife. It was 25 bucks for three little pieces of brisket that were delicious. Fucking tremendous. It had to be an ounce and a half of baked beans and an ounce and a half.

It was mashed potatoes for midgets. It was just a scoop with a fucking big school straw that that's all it was. That's all they fucking gave you six for the iced tea with no ice cubes in it. So it was 31 the fucking lunch for me at an airport. Guys, you know, when does the abuse end? I walked back to fucking catch my 1148. No, no, no, no. The plane got delayed again till 1215.

But the time I sit in my chair, the plane got delayed again till 1230. Now they make an announcement. Newark people, the flight's touching down. You're in luck because the plane was coming from somewhere else. You're in luck. Okay, we're going to fucking throw everybody off the plane and put your motherfuckers on. Thank you for your patience. Beautiful.

We get on the plane. We're ready to go. Boom. Sit down. No lunch service. It's going to be breakfast instead. Okay. It's one o'clock.

I already had breakfast. I had my little Salt Lake barbecue. What do I give a fuck about lunch? I'm going to hit the crib anyway. I'm fucking tired. And then they say no Wi-Fi. No Wi-Fi on the flight. Okay.

I watched TV, the little TV screen they have. I brought my earphones. Beautiful. I fucking fall asleep. Do you know I woke up at three o'clock and they still hadn't served food yet? They served the breakfast at 3.30. They brought me a frittita. What's supposed to be a frittata, which is like eggs with potatoes and sausages on like a little circle.

Tastes like dick anyway. I wasn't going to eat that. I ate the fruit cup and maybe a piece of bread or guys, the frittata was soggy. Like it looked like pudding. And they had like this cheese on top of it that I was not going to fucking try. No way. Not on United Airlines. So I just ate the fruit cup and I sent it back.

But here's the other reason. I looked at the, I went to put my fucking, you know, you always want to put your little fucking napkin on like a professional. Guys, when I put the napkin on, I took the silver out. I looked at the fork. I never looked at the fork. I never looked at, I'm a fucking gorilla. I don't look at forks to see if they clean or not. I didn't even have to look at it.

I just looked down. The fork still had food on it. I turned the fork around. There was food on the other side and there was still something on the fucking knife. I was like, guys, this is the all time worse. Okay. Now, do you think I'm going to yelp? Do you think I'm going to call them when I get off the plane?

It's not going to do nothing. I just won't fly anymore. But the lady next to me was a Gentile and a high powered Gentile. She's some high powered attorney and the guy behind me was a Gentile. And they were just talking about how bad this flight was and how bad it was lately. And that none of those people on the flight had gotten the fucking text to tell them that the flight was delayed. They were pissed. These people on the fucking plane with me were fucking pissed and they were mumbling.

But this lady next to me went off before the plane landed. And she's like, I'm calling this guy. I'm calling the president of this. I'm calling this. This has been, she goes, look at these two fucking waitresses in first class. They have not even asked us if we need anything. The plane had turbulence like a motherfucker. You got to put your seatbelt on.

I didn't put it on just to see if they noticed. They didn't care. They never came back there and brought you, asked you if you want anything else. They gave no water bottles. They give you a glass of water. The water looks like it's from fucking Newark, which it probably is. They fucking, this is the thing. You could see it like fucking, you know, like when water has oil on it, you could see like vinegar and oil.

It layers like that. That's how the fucking water looked. So guys, again, I'm not going to call anybody. I'm not going to rat nobody out. I just made a decision. I'm not flying for a while until something, until 20,000 of us get together and sign a fucking petition or something. And I'm not even thinking about me. Guys, I don't need to go anywhere.

I don't really give a fuck what's going on anywhere. I'm thinking about you motherfuckers with family people, with two kids. Can you imagine where your two-year-old child and your four-year-old child going to an airport at 6 a.m. And now you got to wait there with your kids till 11 o'clock. You're like me. You're a piece of shit. You could deal with anything. I don't give a fuck what you throw at me.

But why should I put my child and my wife through that? They don't deserve that shit, especially at the prices that you're paying for these fucking plane tickets. I just checked for a plane ticket the other day. I used to pay $600 for. It's $1400. Just to look, because I'm a nerd like that. I love to look at things. You know what I'm not?

I wasn't doing anything. I looked to see what it was. It was a plane ticket to Mexico for a friend of mine. He says he can't find nothing cheaper than $800. That's the limit. You only got to crack at it. Probably about $14 on a ticket to fucking Mexico. The same plane he takes every year for the last five years.

So, you know, like I said, guys, I get it. I love you, motherfuckers. I love traveling. I've been doing it for fucking ever, but not anymore. I'm giving it a break. In fact, my wife even told me, she goes, after that story, we're driving to Nashville. We take our time, three hours a day, four hours a day. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck.

Listen, think about this. I got to the airport at 4.30 in the morning yesterday. I didn't walk in my door till 7.15 at night, 7.20. I could have walked to fucking Nashville. It's 12 hours to get to Nashville. Think about that. Let's start the day at 6am. That's a 13 hour day.

I could have driven to Nashville. You know, that's it. I'm done. I really wanted to go out to LA and see Ryan Sickler next week and do Bill Maher's podcast to promote the book, but you know what, guys, we'll do a fucking Zoom. I'm not putting myself up to that fucking abuse. It's over. That's it.

That's how I feel. That's it for a while. Unless something, I feel bad. My uncle's pushing the ticket. I don't know how much time he's got left, but I mean, for that, I'd have to fucking fly out. And the one thing I liked about the Rogan podcast this week that I got to tell my side of the Xanax thing, I fucking loved it. And I'm getting a lot of emails from people about it that they didn't know what was going on,

that they got hooked on them and they went through the same thing. I'm happy I got to tell that story. I'm really happy because it set my life, it destroyed my life for two fucking years, guys. You know, Rogan was talking about Jordan Peterson, how it destroyed him. There's a thing, I think it's called Echinasia that you get after you stop taking those things. That is basically the worst feeling I've ever had in my fucking life. I can't just, and it was brought up every time I took a Xanax to calm my anxiety, that feeling would start. And it's a feeling of uncertainty.

You can't really grasp your heart's beating, your stomach, something. It's like 20 things that are wrong. And I used to live like this. Guys, I don't wish this shit on anybody. It's like I told Joe, it's not that I was doing Xanax to drink and jump up and down. I really had a really bad condition. It was not fucking good. And now my anxiety is that, if my anxiety was at 123 years ago, my anxiety now is at 5%.

I feel it once in a while and I just brush through it. I just go to myself at this time is when I would insert a fucking Xanax, these times when I feel this way. But that Echinasia, I don't want to wish that on anybody because you destroyed your central nervous system. And when your central nervous system is down, you don't want to experience that. You know, after I went through what I went through, I actually dove into this fucking whole thing. And I realized that Xanax is just a two-week prescription until they find what's going on with you. It's just a little band-aid for a few weeks. Anything after that, you're just fucking killing yourself to live.

My sister, one of my tightest friends in the world, has taken a Xanax every day for 50 years to go to sleep. And she's had no problems, you know, so everybody's built differently. My other buddy went through what I went through, didn't know he was going through it, fucking went to see 80 doctors to take care of the feeling. And it was like me, some assistant to the doctor, figured it out. Well, you still taking the Xanax? Yes, I am. Well, that was two years ago. Like, that's how I discovered it.

The lady just said, you still taking the Xanax? Yeah, that was 12 years. You've been taking the Xanax for 12 years? I go, no. She gave it, they prescribed it to me in 2012. I started eating it heavy in 2018, 2019. And then the pandemic came and I went off the fucking rails. And I'm also happy I did the Rogan podcast because I realized the fear I had was that LA before we left.

I didn't, you know, I didn't remember it. You know, when Rogan said that he had his liberal friends calling him to borrow guns, I thought about that. Everybody was calling everybody to borrow guns. Everybody, people would like, you have an extra gun, I can carry everybody. It was that how scary it was. And I ain't thought for sure, you know, I had a front door with a, I had a front door with a fucking glass on it. I would sit there at night with a gun. I never told nobody this because I, the neighborhood was going to shit guys.

You know, when you smoke pot with somebody three nights a week and I would meet this girl in my office, Sophia. I would meet Sophia. She's my best friend in LA. I would meet her at my office and we'd smoked dope. When the pandemic came, we didn't want to be in close quarters. I would meet her outside behind 7-Eleven. One night we heard gunshots that were fucking a hundred yards away from us. You know how many years, you know how many times I heard gunshots in the valley?

Like I was hearing, before I left the valley, I was hearing gunshots three or four times a day. Three or four times a day. I was telling my wife this morning that before we left, there was a feeling of creepiness. It felt CIA induced. Like it was shit that you couldn't imagine that you were seeing. I told you guys about the hooker. I told you guys about the guy hitting the guy with the brick with the four by four. The only mornings I got up and I would ride my bike early and I would go by North Hollywood Park

and on the far end of the park, there'd be a box of bricks. Like just a box of bricks. Like somebody was just dropping off bricks and putting them on the corners. Who the fuck was doing this? You know, who the fuck was doing this shit? This shit was getting into my psyche with the Xanax and everything else that was going on in my life. That's what put me over the top. I definitely, guys, it wasn't that I was paranoid is that listen man, you could tell me anything you fucking want.

You know those people that tell you don't go down there. You know, you could tell me whatever you want until I make an assessment of it. That's what it is. You know, guys, I'm not crazy. Guys, I'm not, you know, I wasn't doing coke. So it's not, I was paranoid during 2018 or the pandemic. It was what I saw and I saw it a quick change. The things that stuck out to me the most during that period was going up Burbank one day.

Burbank is a tight Disney city. Tight, bro. They got cameras everywhere. Everything in Burbank. How many people J walking Burbank? And right before the Black Lives Matter movement, right before the guy got choked, the guy got killed in Milwaukee. They, I was already seeing weird things like the bricks, but this was the weirdest thing I had saw way before Black Lives Matter and anything in Burbank. I saw two young African American kids J walking.

And I'm like, this ain't right. They don't let white people J walking Burbank. Never mind two young brothers that came from somewhere. You were seeing cars with young black kids driving around all day. And you know what they're looking for. You were seeing cars with Mexican kids driving around all day, four in a car. I was seeing cars with four white kids and driving around all day during the pandemic. They were looking to make friends.

So when you start seeing this, it's like when you do coke. When I was doing coke, if once I go into the liquor store and once I put that coke in my pocket and I was headed home and I was all fired up on the way home. If I saw a cop car, just saw it had nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me. He was pulling the other way talking to some other people, maybe at 7-Eleven getting a coffee. But just me seeing him, it would stay in my mind. And while I was doing coke, I would get paranoid about that cop. Why was he there?

What was he drinking coffee? Why wasn't he drinking milk? Like I would think of all those stupid things, you know? That's what happened during the pandemic. I wasn't getting high. But I saw so many dumb little fucking things that I had never seen before in that area. See, if I had seen that in San Francisco, I keep walking. If I see that in North Bergen, New Jersey, I keep walking.

If I see that in New York City, I keep walking. But Burbank? Not that simple. Burbank is the town that I went to do flappers one night. And when I walked out of flappers, ready for this, guys, 10 o'clock at night, 9.30 at night, I dropped my wallet in the middle of the street. It fell. I got in my car and I'm driving home.

And when I got to my house, 10 minutes later, I realized my wallet was gone. I had to be a plane the next morning. I flew back to flappers, went back to where I was parked. And as I was at the light, I could see my wallet in the middle of the street. How many cars went over that thing? How many people crossed that street from that bar going to the parking lot? Nobody picked up my wallet. That's to let you know how clean Burbank is.

So for me to see two African American kids that didn't look like they lived in Burbank, just walking the streets of Burbank, jaywalking. That just was like, it has nothing to do with me, but I'll make a mental note of that. Like we were just seeing so many things that felt very contrived. And then once the thing went down with Floyd, George Floyd, it was like you were living in a fucking dream. It was like you were living in a fucking dream. This shit could not happen. My daughter's daycare.

That place has been there for 40 years called St. Paul's. They are the nicest gentiles you've met in your life. It was like a Protestant, whatever, a Presbyterian. I didn't even give a fuck. They were so nice. My daughter grew so much there. I knew the people who worked there. I knew the women, the moms.

They were all at the same parties. Anytime there was a daycare party, all the people and the teachers would go. We went to Yankee games together. We went to Dodger games together. We did all these things together as parents and as part of that daycare. I wake up one day to see that it was like a plant. This couldn't have been true. Some African-American guy after the George Floyd thing was walking down Studio City,

which you never really see that many African-Americans in Studio City. And he was hot, so he sat on St. Paul's lawn. At three o'clock when the kids were getting out of the school and the daycare. But he was on the lawn with hot pants on and a fucking carpet. This just didn't happen there. So when the guy that runs the school, the principal goes, I don't mind if you sit there, just move it over. You can't lay there and put a radio there.

The guy called NBC News. The school that my daughter was going to is now under attack for racist things. When half the people in there, like there was two African-American women that worked there. There was two Mexicans that worked there, a couple of white chicks that worked there, a couple of Asian girls that worked there. So now they were just like, everybody was pointing them to be racist. And I was like, something is not fucking right here. This is, it just did not feel weird.

It didn't feel real. It felt very surreal. So we get with the pandemic. You start getting, all of a sudden everybody started getting canceled. Remember when the pandemic hit, all of a sudden now people want to start to cancel people. Oh, I remember 10 years ago, this comedian fucking finger banged me in the shower. You know, all of a sudden it didn't seem surreal. And then all this George Floyd thing till this day does not seem surreal.

The way he had his knee on his neck and looking at the camera directly, something just didn't feel right to me about that whole thing. It was like something was, there was some, it felt like a setup, but obviously we see it wasn't. It felt like a setup was obviously somebody lost their lives. You know, I saw the tape when the guy couldn't breathe. The brother up in the Bronx or Brooklyn when they fucking choked them. Something about the whole George Floyd thing didn't even, it didn't seem right. It felt like it was a bad dream.

And this happened every day, but during the pandemic, it made people go out to the streets and protest and break shit. So it didn't feel real to me, man. And I'm like, I waited all this time in my life to fucking have a family, to have a wife, to be a good father. And just to get my life together. And now they're going to kill my wife. Like that's what I was like thinking. Now they're going to come do something to my kids. Then I saw the Latin King sign on the school.

This is studio city guys. They got 16 Latins up there. What the fuck are the Latin Kings doing in the studio city? So it just felt so surreal, not to mention, and I could tell you guys now I went to buy a gun. I can't buy a gun. I'm a felon. All these fucking, and every fucking gun store had huge lines. I'm talking blocks wrapped around like everybody was buying a gun for the end of the world.

So something about that little fear got me going and what really scared me. It felt like I was, I was going to have to do something. That's why I was sleeping on my fucking chair in the living room, waiting for somebody to kick the fucking door. So I went to the Armenian and I go, let me get a gun. So he brought me a nine millimeter. And I go, I need something else. So he goes, I cannot get through something right now. I will just give you an AR-15 for the house.

So I had a fucking like a homemade machine gun in my fucking bedroom. I don't want that in my house. I don't ever want a fucking weapon like that in my house. I can see having to hang on a 38 to shoot a burglar in the leg, but a fucking machine gun like dog. This thing was fucking had air pumps and fucking his friend had put it together. You could keep it for a few. And then when I left New Jersey, the guys like, listen, we have connections in Jersey. Well, as soon as you touch down in Jersey, we'll have a gun ready for you.

I go, I don't need a gun in Jersey. I needed one of the fucking LA and the gun he gave me, I was going to take it on the flight. And I said, you know what? I don't want to bring this guy with me to Jersey. I don't want to bring this part of my life into my Jersey life. So I gave the gun to my ex-jitsu teacher, who I still talk to all the time. Didn't ask him for a dime, just take it. And I came here and that's the fucking, that was what was going on LA before we left.

And that's what I thought fucked me up the most was that fear. I wasn't scared of, come on guys, with the life I've had, you think I'm fucking scared of anything? It was more or less, I just don't want to lose my family in that way. And that's it. That's our podcast for Monday, the 24th of motherfucking April. This is your last week to pre-order the book. It's number 15 on Amazon. You guys have made my year with this.

And you haven't made my year as much as you've made Erica Florentine's year. You know, she was a girl just trying to get by and all of a sudden, here we are with a fucking great book and people and tours divided. So I really want to please you guys. I really want to please you. I really want to thank you guys for doing this for me. I know I've done a lot of different things for a lot of you crazy people, but this is big and you're making Erica Florentine's day. And that's part of what we do here. We're always looking to make somebody's day.

And that's it. And that's that. You got one more week to order. And then I'll keep you posted on the fucking book signings in New York, Boston, Philly and Jersey. That's all I got for now. Beside that guys, it was a great month. I love you motherfuckers at all my heart. And I'll see you cocksuckers next Monday.

Tip Top Magoo ready to go. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you guys. Thank you for always having my back. And let's talk about some sponsors. First off, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Sometimes you don't even want to get yourself out of bed. Much less drag yourself to a therapist's office.

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Don't forget it's the last week to order. Tremendous of story of a comedy savage. Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, fuckingthriftbooks.com And that's it. I love you motherfuckers. Stay black and have a great week.