Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz Almost Drowned In Miami

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Joey Diaz and Le Syatt are joined by Becky comedy to talk about Lee's wedding and it's questionable food options, what comprimising means to Joey after 25 years married, and the unbelieveably true story of how Joey nearly died last week while visiting Miami.  SHOW NOTES Live Better Longer with BUBS Naturals. For a limited time, get 20% off your entire order with code CHURCH at http://Bubsnaturals.com If you're 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod Take advantage of Ridge's Biggest Sale of the Year & GET UP TO 47% OFF by going to https://www.Ridge.com/CHURCH #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad

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After your purchase, they'll ask you how you heard about them. Tell them that the church pointed your direction, all right? Happy New Year, everybody. What's happening, beautiful savages? It's December 30th. You got one more beautiful day And this year and I'm here Well, I can't call him Cato no more

You know what I'm saying? He's my little cano of love, Lee Syatt And our little co-host tonight Becky Zee coming into your living room For the final podcast of the year. What's up, gentlemen and ladies? Doing good. How are you, Becky? I'm good. You're not taking a weekend off

From getting married? There's no day. Dude, we did the podcast for, eight years in LA, I think for the first six, we didn't even take Christmas off. Oh. We didn't take nothing. We're like the comments.

I didn't even ask. We don't close. Christmas Day. You didn't take Christmas Day off? No, I'm just the week of. Because we would do it Mondays and Wednesdays, usually Sundays and Wednesdays. Well, yeah, I didn't even, I'm saving,

I'll save the ask for a big trip. So I'm like, fuck it. I did the wedding. That's why I did it in New York. If I, if I had done a wedding like in like Italy or something or India. I wouldn't even send him an invite. Well, no, we did it in Brooklyn.

I'm happy to be here. Can you imagine if I sent you, if I sent you an invite asking you to come to India? I should have done that. You're lucky I came to fucking Brooklyn. Dude, I didn't think you were coming. I asked George. That snowstorm was a bust because they were supposed to cancel the wedding. Everybody woke up the next day.

God damn it. We got to go to Brooklyn now. God damn it. Guess it was the first one there. Who? George. Oh, please. I believe it. I fucking believe it. He didn't bring an eggplant sandwich.

He was opening the door as the ceremony started. He didn't bring an eggplant sandwich? I don't know. I didn't check. Egg plant palm or roll a teeny or nothing like that. American cheese slices. Well, he should have. Where the fuck was the food at your fucking one?

What do you mean? It was out the entire time. No. They had shrimp and that mystery meat. First of all, they did not have. That was mystery meat. You talk so much shit about the shrimp. And then, no, the shrimp was good.

Yeah, they had shrimp. But that was there. I was like Gilligan on an island. I ate shrimp for two hours. Cocktail hour, motherfucker. No, no cocktail hour. Then they showed up with broccoli. What were they?

No broccoli. They... cauliflower with tacos. Oh, my God. The entire goddamn menu. Fanny said that she tasted a nacho. She thought it was a nacho. Oh, there's an Indian nacho, yeah.

Lamb with lentil. She said she almost shit of pants and she had to run home. Good. First of all. And then they brought the Jew food out late. No wonder your mother didn't show. They treated the Jews like shit. That's why.

Oh my God. And she saw it coming. They had Asian food. What Asian food? Those cold noodles? They had dumplings. They had a cup and a salad. What the fuck was that shit?

We had two kind of dumplings sprinkles. Get the fuck. I didn't even see those things. That was a 10.30 at night after the Jews fucking eight. Oh my God. It started at 7.30. You had the party for the Hindus and then you forgot about the white people. No, I forgot about the white people.

You had little fucking squares. People were eating them throwing them up. Somebody was throwing them around. around like a fucking one of those things and Road Warrior movie. Oh, the little boomerangs? Oh, my God. But the good thing was I lost $250.

That was good. You let first of all, don't say that. It was a, it was a, I had a casino there that you didn't actually have to put real money down on. That's what I said. I lost $250. You lost $250. I lost $250.

First of all, you would know because you're the king of the Jews. So you were fucking mill. But it was good. I had a good time. I kept winning black, black, black. Yeah, because I, uh, I, It's weird saying my wife. She doesn't like dancing.

And we both like to gamble. So I was like, fuck it. Let's just have that. Did you see, were you there for the magician or you leave already? I don't stay for magicians. I left during the Irish people. Oh, you know? Oh, yeah.

Once I saw a motley crew come in, it was over. Indians, no food, motley crew. What the fuck? God damn it. No food. One shrimp, three shrimp. The most expensive. We could have bought a car for the amount of money we spent on.

Well, you should have got fucking her to cook it. because we should have fucking eloped when that motherfucker had a cauliflower taco yeah we had to have some veggie shit we also had chicken tacos no there was no chicken

that was like Indian chicken that was like tofu and shit there was an Indian station a Mexican station an Asian station and a Jewish station you had to wait 45 minutes in between it's called cocktail hour I don't know shit about this stuff but it's fucking cocktail hour

it's food that's all we know you sit they bring your salad and then they don't stop after that. You weren't just talking before the podcast started about how old people can't... What is the alligator doing? I need a leg. But how old people don't know what's going on.

Oh, she's just petting the alligator. I took too many animals for that. But no, it's the... We didn't want like a stuffy, like we pass around terrible food. It was supposed to be like a food hall. Everyone hanging out. She made marshmallows. We had a good...

Oh, my God. I was waiting. No sandals. I promised you. No sandals, not one sandal in the house. He kept talking shit. And your brother came up. I thought I did acid.

He looked like you on AIDS. Oh, I know. You fucking kept looking back. I'm like, wow. These motherfuckers, holy shit. Oh, yeah. He looks just like if he had AIDS. Like, if he went to Brooklyn and got a bad batch of asshole,

that's what he looked like. What would I look like if I got a good batch of asshole? Oh, my God. Yeah, he did. And he had some cool Jews there, but the Jews were looking at me for support. I'm like, dog, I don't know. They were looking at the Cuban, like, where's the fucking food? I'm like, even your cousin was like, what happened?

No, you just sat at the table. They were walking around with. There was no table. They were sitting there waiting. Don't tell. There was a lady with the missing tooth that kept giving a shrimp and your cousin. One of the servers had a missing tooth. Oh, my God, yeah.

And your cousin's like, where's the food? I'm like, I don't know. It's a fucking Hindu wedding. They forgot about the Jews. I heard they came out with four fucking pastrami sliders at the end of the night, like four of them. Not at the end. Four Jews took them and I was it. Where's the food?

They had lockies. They had pizza. Pizza? Yeah. Caesar salad. They had everything. There was a lot of fuck. I didn't get any of it.

Thank God. You wouldn't have been here. When I smelled that bathroom, I thought you got those lamb lentil fucking nachos. Oh, I didn't try any of the Indian food. Oh, Jesus Christ. But dude, do me a favor. Anyone watching this? If you're going to get married, elope.

It was a great time. I'm happy we did it. A lope. Because this is my wife's second. marriage. She told me, but I didn't listen. If you're ever getting married, elope. It is, you'll save a ton of money, a ton of heartache, so much work. Eloping is the best thing that you can do. Listen, with a wedding, like anything else in life, you're never going to please nobody. Right. What happened was, and yes, I'm old, but this is the evolution I see of a fucking wedding. Now

you either, like, your aunt, yeah. How are you doing? We decide to, we're going to move, we're going to have the wedding into the Dominican Republic. I felt so bad because, dog, it was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Don't send me an invite. I have to call her now and apologize.

I hit her up on Christmas Day, but Chuch was in the car with her, you know, and I just told her. I'm not doing it. Well, I think people do that so people don't come, but they send gifts. No, they want, listen, everybody wants people on an island so you could tell her,

You're dressed in white and walked around. That's not a fucking wedding. That's a fucking work. That's work. Like, let's say, Becky's friends with your wife. Right. And I'm dating Becky. And Becky goes, we have to go to Hawaii.

I'm going to talk Becky, not in a fucking million years. Not in a million years. I don't know these people. I'm going to sit there looking around for three hours. You know, like where did I go wrong? How did I end up here? Listen, with today's world and the cost today, I'm getting married

at three you could come or you don't come but if you have a mayor a wedding like you had it's to get that money to buy a house and even then like we that's it we're very thankful thank you everyone here brought gifts

but like there are some people some family members didn't leave envelopes but I don't believe they have to yeah oh it was only they're Jews and listen listen listen listen Here's what people don't consider about anything anymore. Expensive. And it's not your fault.

It's not nobody's fault. It's the woman that you don't grab by the hair and say, what are you thinking? I love you to death, but this is way out of control. And I'm not talking about you, Lee. I'm talking about the weddings with the pigeons and the fucking, you got to go somewhere and we want there to be a white elephant. And, you know, pigeons,

Get loose. Meanwhile, he's fucking the maid already. Oh, my God. You know? And yeah, look at the black chick from the view. She got the wedding. No. Yeah. And the black dude was fucking the maid when she got married.

Oh, hysterical. You know, came out like a year later. He disappeared. He was banging the maid already. You know. But you made people come and some guy with a trumpet and I got to let out a hundred pigeons and make believe I'm interested. Why are you doing this?

And you have to look at your wife and go, listen. I got to be out. unless you're sucking their dick, nobody cares. No, people don't care, and it's also like... They'll tell you they care, but they don't. And I understand that because guess what? I don't give a fuck about what your wife wants for a wedding. And that's where you have a mutual thing.

Like, this is what we're going to do. Let's do this amount. Let's make 18 people. 18 people, like on audition dinner, what's that shit tonight before? A rehearsal. Yeah. Even that was fucking expensive Oh yeah

They bang out I have to throw it now And how the fuck don't you She's a fucking chef You know what I'm saying Yeah but she has enough to do On top of cooking We didn't even have that many people

We had 88 people It's so crazy the cost Oh my God You know I can't imagine What you paid for the food I can't even imagine And you and I both know Looking at each other

It was too much Dude we could have paid We could have bought a Toyota For what we paid for food Yeah Yeah Like a new one Not like a used toy.

And there wasn't enough food there to fill a Toyota. No, there wasn't the bad. You may be like a B-2-10 from 1976 with the two-seater, maybe. But that's what it is. And women and families have to make, like, listen, man, we're going to put out. And I hate to say this. We're going to put out $25,000 for a wedding. But we're getting back $75,000.

So you can have $50 to go back to your fucking house. You think, but you have, dude. Dog, I know. It's not 25 grand in New York wouldn't give you. Nothing. Nothing. It is crazy what they charge. If you, like George, our buddy George, who's always here, is a framer by trade, you could make a million dollars a year just doing wedding stuff.

The amount of money that they charge for anything at a wedding is criminal. It is crazy. And they know why? Why do they do that? Because you're fucked. You have to do it. You're in love. Because you're under the ether.

Yeah, oh my God, we can do it. Until that fucking bill comes in and you're like, fuck. Oh, my God. Even like the, we got the space we got was nice, but it was the cheapest we could find. That's like we went to some places that wanted to charge like 15, 20 grand just for the space. Just to have it there. And the open ball was nice. I tipped the guy 20.

He brought me gingerails all night. Like Pepey Lapew. He was welcome to me. Dude, we had open ball. Those Jews and those Indians, they were up there with elbows. Nobody was getting a dime. I think some guy left like a nickel or something like that. I told the guy, I go, get a fucking cup out.

I told the guy. Oh, yeah. And where's your tip cup? He goes, we use the old. I go, look, they, they're there. Put a tip cup out. And I put a 20 in there so everybody could see it. I go, because these motherfuckers, they all got long pockets and short arms.

They're not going to give you a dime. And they're up here ordering, you know, I was watching them. I'm drinking gingerouts. They're up there ordering. man, let me get this. And I'm like, oh, and not one of them went in their pocket. They just took the drinks and turned around. I'm like, oh, that's cold-blooded.

Dude, and we saved, I can't, we saved thousands of dollars by buying the booze ourselves. We went to Costco and brought it for, because if they had brought the booze and so, holy shit. Dude, it is, it is great. I'm happy. It's, oh, it's cool. Let me, I was thinking about you about the story of you taking the money at the bar mitzvah. and I was

I was thinking I know you don't steal anymore you're a reformed man but like did you ever get the urge I could see you at the wedding like looking at the number

I'm a reformed man I'm not going to take a purse but I see 15 grand it's gone you know what I'm saying I'm not going to go to 7-11 take out either right

you know what I'm saying I'm not going to go to CVS and steal a box of condoms but I will fucking if I see 15 grand an envelope. Oh my God. That bitch is mine. And I'll look at them with a straight face. Bro, I would never steal your envelope. Who's that?

Is Cat Williams who had the joke about, like, eating his son's cereal and helping him look for it? You'd probably help them look for the envelope. Oh, you don't mean. Let's see what's going on here. Holy shit. I'm glad everyone came. It was a lot of fun. I'm going to Vegas for a couple of days just to, it's too cold to go anywhere. So we're just going to go to Vegas for a couple the days, but I'm excited. Becky, I'm very sorry. I met you after all the invites have been sent out.

I feel terrible that you weren't invited. No, yeah, please don't. I don't feel like we know each other well enough. Well, we took a nap in the same room, so we got, we know each other. Becky's been on the road with us and you've been doing great. Becky's been hysterical on the road. I know, and yet he didn't invite me to his wedding. I'm sorry.

Becky, what's the story? When you get married, you're going to have a big wedding? I don't think I want to get married. Why not? feel like it's not necessary how old are you Becky 27 yeah I give you five more years and then

then you're gonna get a chubby Jewish guy who's getting married I don't get it sorry no congratulations no that's not die alone well you don't have to get married just be like hey come stay at my house who I don't know I'll tell you

we'll see we'll see I'll tell you like I mean because Anisha had been married before And she didn't need... And it wasn't good. No, it wasn't. Thank God.

Well, for me. But, like, I don't... I think if with kids, if you don't have kids, I think you probably could. You save money on taxes being married. Okay. But if you have kids, I think it's good to be, like, a family. Here it is plain and simple.

Okay. I got divorced when I was like, never again. Not even fucking close. I'll date. I'll do it. this, I'll live with somebody, but never again, never fucking again. And then it was weird. I started getting older, and I know a woman isn't at peace till they're married.

Like, they don't give a fuck about anything else. As long as you marry him, and it didn't have to be a big thing, you know, and I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I had no fucking idea, all right? Right. I could tell you I know what I was doing, but I had no fucking idea. I just, it was time to do a good deed, you know, and she was really good to me. and I loved her and she loved me,

let's get married. I didn't know how to feel about a kid, but I had no choice. It's not like people, we're planning a child, go fuck yourself. I don't know nothing. You know what I'm planning.

Then you have a child. And then you're like, well, whatever happens, but I'm going to tell you what happens. Do you see these comedians acting up the last couple months? I see a lot of them.

Comedians are acting up a couple, a lot of months. Count the ones that don't have kids. kids or aren't married. All of them probably. Yeah. And definitely, I'll tell you this, Becky, because, like, growing up by 20, when I was your age, when I was 27, like, when I was growing up, I thought it'd be married by 27. Like, being not married at 27 was old.

But now, like, for, like, my generation and probably yours, too, like, I'm so happy that I waited. I, like, and nothing against any of my exes, but, like, I just, I'm very happy that I married who married and I didn't like because I see a lot of people who like get married in like their early 20s and then by the early 30s the divorce because like they you're changed so much and I'm very happy that I waited because if I hadn't thinking back to any I don't who knows I don't think I'd be as happy I don't because you see some married couples who just fucking hate each other they're just like depressed it's it's not like it's so I don't think you know at 27

I don't think you're weird for not wanting to get married right now I Do you date a lot or you're just focusing on stand-up? Just stand-up right now. It's probably, is that, did you date before or not really? I mean, I have, but like it's not, I just, I just feel like getting, I feel like getting married is kind of weird. No? And that's kind of weird.

You look at it. You know what is, what is that? You look at it kind of weird and I know right now, you know, thank God you don't have the urge because I think you got a good shot of being a great comic. But at the same fucking time, listen, man, I come home some nights and I'm like, this sucks. And there's two people in my house. Yes. And this sucks.

You know, I'm just telling you, like, and then I see these people who are doing comedy. Can you imagine being fucking 60, living, growing up in a hotel every fucking night? Yeah. And now you have nothing. You have $50 million. And we know a couple people like that. Right off the top of that I know three guys that probably worth $50 million. But they go home to an empty fucking house, man.

Right. That $50 million ain't worth it. Right. You know, when I was 30, I grew up watching fucking Charles Bronson movies. That motherfucker never had a girlfriend. So I'm like, I'm never going to have a girlfriend, like Charles Bronson. Then in hard times, he got like a girl. He would go over there once a week.

I'm like, all right. that scene, but he always had that little Charles Bronson apartment. And I could see myself being content. But I was younger and I didn't know. And I didn't go through what I'm going through now. And what I see, I see comics because I know that. And with no children, no wives, no nothing, it's fucking hard, man.

It's lonely. It's lonely. And you know what, man, I tell you, there's a book I read that people hate. And it's a chapter in there that he's, He breaks down life. It's Sammy the Bullgarvano's book. And he goes, you can run by yourself for a long fucking time and do pretty well. But at some point, you have to connect with somebody to take it to the next level.

He meant the mob. You know what I'm saying? Like, he meant the mob. Oh, okay. Like, he was a car thief, whatever. He ran a club. He did all this shit. But nothing mattered until he joined the family.

He goes, yeah, I had to give half my profits away. But I got more work. It gave me a green light to even make more money. And I didn't take it as joining the mob. I take it as anything. You could run for years. And at some point, trust me, because I never thought I was going to put my life in anybody's hands.

You'll go, you know what, it's that time. You might be 32. You might be 41. You might be 44 like I did. But at some point, you got to go, I'm coming in. And I think, because you and your wife are very, happy. I'm not saying you were joking before about it being, but I think, because I've been in relationships or places where you don't want to go home because you're like, God, I don't want

it like being home with them stinks or like we're fighting or we don't like each other that much. But if you're all, if you're alone all the time, it gets a little weird mentally. It's like being in a fucking solitary confinement. Yeah. Why do you think I go to the gym in the morning and talk to people? Why do I fucking do something out of my, I don't want to. to do, I force myself. Because I looked into it. I read into it what happens when you get old. They fucking tell you to get a dog. Yeah.

And that means I got to walk around and wait for the dog to shit. That's not my idea of fun. I'm still not talking to nobody. I'm talking to a dog. Come on, hurry up. It's cold out. I want to go back and watch Landman. Whatever the fuck. You know? Yeah. But it's just so,

I don't know. It's weird because when I, like, even now, I was going to say when I was Becky's age, But I love being by myself. Like, I love being by myself. Are you fucking kidding me? That's what marijuana is all about. Oh. I love marijuana, but I don't, even without marijuana, I have a good time by myself.

But, and I don't know. I wish I had any relationship and advice for anybody. But at least so far, like, the thing that stood out about Inisha is, like, I haven't, in the time we've been together, like, I've never been sitting there like, God, she's annoying. or like, God, I wish I could just watch what I want to watch. Or like, it's, I don't know. And so I think it's good that you're not rushing into it. I just don't think about it. It's a lot easier for like chubby dudes to be like, I'm an in-sell.

I'm not going to date. Like, as a pretty girl, you must have to, like, do you even have dating apps or you're not even on it right now? I'm not on it. I just don't. Jesus, girls are different. Like he just lives a fucking life. I'm just doing comedy.

He's a Chinese hippie. I am. I like it. It's fun not having somebody. Well, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something right off the bat. There is no way I could have done what I did in comedy those first nine years with somebody. Yeah, I dated somebody for four years at the end. No, I did. You know, we lived together. But there's no way. The first five years, what I was doing was not. normal. It's this life. It's this. We do.

And if you're going to meet somebody, you're going to meet them at a bar doing comedy. You're not going to meet them at the library. This is your whole life for five or six years. This is it. Your day job and then one day you figure out a way to quit that motherfucker. And now this is it all fucking day. So those first couple years, it's very rough because you have to think about that. It's like me now. It's like me now. You know, I can't fucking leave Friday, Saturday, I can't. I'm too far deep into the fabric of that home. For seven years I did it when Mercy was younger, she didn't know what was going on. Now I can never pull that all. I wish I could. I wish there was somewhere I could go 15 minutes from my house. And there'd be 25 people every night, five nights a week. Make my life a lot easier. But life isn't that fucking easy. That's the only hinge that marriage has. is the ability to want to go do comedy and some nights you've got to stay in with them.

Some nights you got to go to dinner with her. You had date night the whole time in L.A. Tuesday nights? Huh? You had date night with your wife every... It was like you would do yoga at the Y and go watch Sons of Anarchy. It was like once a week. But yeah, no, it's important. And I also think, because you were married,

since you were married twice, and I think it's both ways. Because I was in a relationship before stand-up and then started stand-up, and they don't, I don't think any, it's not even just a women thing, I don't think anyone likes, because then you're gone all the time.

Yeah. Now, with Anisha, I was doing stand-up when we met. So, like, it's, she knows what to expect. Yeah, it knows what to expect, sort of thing. And, like, did that,

I mean, I know by the time you started stand-up your ex-wife and you weren't really getting along that well. No, no, but I wasn't even doing stand-up with my ex-wife. I did four or five months. Oh, right at the end, right?

Yeah, it was the beginning. So I started in July, and we separated in October. Right, yeah. There was nothing really going on. But I spoke about it on the plane right up here. And George was telling me, when you get married, it's all fun and games in the beginning, especially when it comes to stand-up comedy.

It's all fun and games. Until you're a feature act and you just can't go to Florida for one week because the plane ticket is 400. And you're only getting 400 a week or 500. So you have to stay out of town for two weeks to make that work. wait till you call that bitch on Tuesday and tell her me, Joey, Jimmy Schubert, Steve Simone, went to play golf, and then from there went to get the best Chinese

and she's sitting on the phone going, that's great. That's fucking great. And wait till you have a child. Yeah. And you got to wait and make that call. Like I see people with kids on a ship. Ain't going to last long.

because she's got to be a fucking trooper. You can't even call them that much if you're on a ship. She's got to be a fucking trooper. And that's what I've seen in my 34 years of comedy. I've seen a lot of guys that fucking come out of the box. They get happy. They jump up and down. I see them with the girl three or four times.

Everything is a joke. You know, she's bringing her girlfriends from work. Oh, my God. He's so funny. How do it? Oh, my God. The house is a joke. We just laugh.

I fall off the day. Give that until the jokes get, just like your audience, they get sick of your fucking jokes too. Just like your audience. And that's when it gets tricky. Yeah. That's when your house has to,

you have to learn. And I pulled it off in front of you for years. I was doing two podcasts a week, somebody else's podcast, and every weekend on the road, and three nights of comedy at the comedy store if I stayed in. And at the beginning, your wife was working.

But no, no, no. In the beginning, my wife always worked. But I'm saying the last eight years we were in L.A., I didn't deviate from that program. Never, whether I had a child, whether I didn't have a child, because she understands the importance of it. You follow me? So it takes a while.

That's why I always tell people, wait until you get a little bit more established. Because if not, she wins the argument. What are you going to go down there for for nine? hundred bucks. But, but you're staying in. Now you got to call that club owner and fake a car heart attack or car accident and, you know, it's just, and that's balance with comedy is very rough. This is not for everybody. This is not for everybody. Well, people talk about it in, like, for regular jobs, too, like the work-life balance, which I don't think you like. When you work, you're not gone on the fucking weekend

surrounded by girls in the ball. Right, that's true. Okay, when you're working at Burger King or what the fuck you do in the daytime? Unless you work at a bar. 40 hours a week, no. All this shit just doesn't click. It's just not you cracking jokes,

getting on a plane, staying out of town for three or four days. She's got to carry the baby up to stay. You know, it's not that. It's the woman, the drinking. Who are you working with? I'm working with George. He's a womanizer.

You're not allowed to work with. George and you're like what the fuck what the fuck you know and you could always see a comic on the road like let me tell you something I loved Carol when I dated Carol for four years

I love Carol but Carol was too crazy for a comedian you follow the saying to you like she was it was too much stress it's too much thinking about her and you lose your comedic whatever and that's why Rogan always says for two years he was struggling

and then one day it was like it'll hit him he started killing because I didn't have that weight of thought that thought is 30% of your fucking day 40% of your day if you're natural if you care about people

you have a girlfriend or a wife it's a lot of your time so there's so many fucking issues it's just you have to work on it as you go along and correct the different fucking things Listen, I've been with Terry 25 years. If you think we've been jumping up and down for 25 years,

you guys are fucking wrong. Every relationship has beaks and valleys. And, you know, you're great. And then one minute you're not talking. She's angry about something. Did you watch Landman last night? He fucked the omelet. And she didn't talk to him for two days because he fucked the cheese omelet.

He took the hours and his dick didn't go down. It's in the mornings. It doesn't matter. But it's just, it's so fucking. weird. Yeah. That's actually something that's going to, and I haven't had that impulse with,

with Anisha. What's that? But my, like, I don't like confront. It's what Joey's saying. It will. It will.

And I have to get used to it because my, like, I don't like confrontation. Uh-huh. Like, in all my past relationships, I, they lasted a year plus longer than they should have because I'm a pussy and I don't

like breaking up with somebody. Like, it's the, and my first instinct in like a fight is to, fucking peace out. Like if I get into a file, like I want to run, not necessarily break up, but like I don't like it. I'll leave the house.

I don't like that. That shit. It's not confrontation with your wife. Right. I can't, but I can't leave them. It's a civilized. It's a civilized conversation. It's a civilized conversation. It's not two people. It's not Henry Hill. I know that you're lying.

Go to your ready made whores, you know. That's not my house at all. It's when you, you know, I had a tough to Harry a couple weeks ago that me and Mercy don't want to go back to Tennessee with. But I didn't tell her like that. I told her the truth. And this is the truth. I go, for fucking 13 years, you've been pushing your family down our throat and pushing us down their throat. Your father's 85.

When was the last time you spent the week with them without having to run back and forth? And come here and what's Mercy going to do? and what's Joey going to do, just go. You don't have to bring us anymore. The cat's out of the bag. Mercy told her in Florida that every time, because you like Miami, she goes, well, it smells better than Tennessee.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, you know, it's just, and my wife doesn't get it. And that's where you have, it's not a, it's like guys, and I've been saying this for years, go to church on a Sunday. Just go to one church.

Go to end. church on a Sunday. And you'll see the fucking wife walking in like she's Dominic Danucci and the two ugly kids and the husband who he wants to be it. He just wants to watch the Jets. You know what I'm saying? He's worked all hard. He loves Jesus and this whole thing. But this whole thing is not necessary. You know, it's just not necessary. You go to a church and the kids crying. eight people like oh my god fuck you take that fucking kid out of here

you know take that fucking kid out of here and after you know you can see it you're sitting behind a couple they have two young kids one is two and one is one

they don't know what's going on they don't even have a fucking clue about church or God or the cookie or the nun they don't know nothing and they don't want to know and now they got to sit there like too bumpy and the vice like come on

come down oh you take them out Why did we even do this? Who wants to go to church? I grow up. Go ahead. I'll stay here with the kid. When the kid makes this first communion or whatever, then we'll go as a family.

But for us three to go, and I'm not living my life. I've got to sit there with you. Make him believe like I want to be there with a cup of coffee on. This is great. No, I don't. My buddies are yelling up and down around the corner.

They're at fuck, and the game starts at water, and they're already drinking and yelling. And I got to sit at this, fuck. church with you and two fucking kids that don't even know what the fuck they are. But what do you think the line is? Because you, you just, I know what you're saying, but you still have to make compromises sometimes. It's a compromise.

That's a compromise. You go. I stay. And I'll take the kids. I'm taking the kids off your hand. So you could really enjoy God's light. Okay. Instead of stopping Nikki, oh, Nikki.

Can you have a pacifier for Nikki? Nicky don't want to be here. Right. That's fair. Nicky never signed up with this nonsense. And that's what people don't understand. You know, if it was up to my wife, we go to Tennessee every year. Right.

With the whole fucking, you know, going on the, no. Again, you're a comic. Next time you go on a fucking plane, look at the fat wife coming on the plane with the husband behind her carrying a bag. Look at her face and look at his face. And when you see his face, you'll go, I'm never going to have that fucking face. And as he walks past you in first class, you grab him and go, you could get off right now. I'll give you what's in my pocket.

Get out of the plane. Just drop the kid. I know what you're feeling. Get the fuck out of here. I don't think you can do that anymore. People used to do that. Remember when fathers would, like, abandon their families? Yeah, that's what I'm telling you.

You might as well start smoking. because at least you go off for a pack of cigarettes and never come back, you know, like Bruce Springsteen did. You're building it in an al-a-line. Yeah, that's it. I'm coming back to cigarettes. Why are you taking a suitcase? I got it.

I got to put some in the car. Pium! Oh, my God. What? Oh, yeah, they would, I mean, in movies, all and stuff all the time. And that's what American couples aren't doing. Bad any? No, that honest compromise.

I can never look at you the first two years and go, Anisha, look I'm fucking Jewish. I got to go over there on a Sunday and eat with them their fucking little frisbees and fucking and fucking lamb nachos

and fucking and with lentils and I got to eat fucking cauliflower tacos. It ain't for me. But what do you mean? They're my parents. That's why.

They're your parents. You just said it. They're your fucking parents. They don't watch football. They want to watch soccer. You know, I don't want to do that no more. A lot of guys, and she's going to be mad for two days. And then you got to flip it.

Go, dog, do you want to go up and see my mother, smell her feet while she? No. Then what the fuck are we talking about? Mind your business. You don't have to fucking come everywhere. That's what I'm trying to say that we have in our fucking minds that they got to be everywhere we sneeze. And that's what saves a relationship. What's that fucking expression?

Loneliness makes the hard growth longer. Yeah. That's why you work. I get the fuck out of the house. You go that way and I go this way. And I'll see you at six. I don't want to know nothing. Okay.

Yeah, people, there's a lot of people who've gotten like divorce and broken up because when people started working from home during COVID, if you're both working from home. I got to put up with your mug every fucking day. And that's what I did during the pandemic. I was like, I'm going to sit in this back room and we're going to get a divorce. I might as well become part of this family and mingle. That's why we worked it out.

Right. You know, and that's why I tell people, 25 years, don't think it's all fucking cotton candy, and I'm blowing a horn, everybody's fucking happy. Oh, I'm sure. For the first nine years, first seven years, there was no happiness.

I was on Coke. And then after that, you know, we evolved. And now I know how to put the pieces together with us, but my wife respects me. And like last night, my wife went out for her birthday. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. My wife wasn't in the door. 10 seconds and I had my jacket on. Most wives would go, where are you going? It's my birthday. My wife was like, what's going on? I go, I've been sitting this house for four fucking hours. Mercy came down one time.

She don't want to eat. I ended up making milkshakes for the both of us, and I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm gone. I didn't get back to quarter of the 12. Then we watched land, man. I got to go. And they understand that after a while.

I got to go. This has never. have been me to sit here. When we watch TV, my wife watches on the other side, and they're watching on my side. There's no cuddling? No, I'm not into that shit holding hand. I went to Rudy's before, two lesbians at the bar, and she's got our arm around the other girl.

I wouldn't secure you. Eat the fucking food. Eat the fucking food. I'm looking at it. I'm eating my fucking lobster fucking whatever, and I'm looking over at the fucking Rhode Island Clampchow. I'm like, this fucking guy got a fucked up haircut. And he's kind of chubby around the middle of shit.

And I'm like, and finally, the waitress came in when she goes, great to have you ladies in here. I'm like, lady. And I looked at her, she had her arm around the chick the whole fucking time. She's over there eating. I'm like, I don't need that. There ain't nobody loves that. If you're that love, you don't even need to eat.

You just eat each other. Right or wrong. If you're that love, you just eat each other till nothing's left. Do you not like it, Becky, if guys are like too clingy or too? Like does that, Becky don't like shit. Oh, shit. Becky don't like shit. I don't like shit.

And Becky doesn't know what she wants. No. If you come up to Becky run up on Becky, Becky, what are you talking about? Like, Becky don't fucking know. You can hit on Becky and Becky wouldn't know it. Like she thinks like you're cracking on a joke unless you say something to perverted,

but I guarantee you. Because I grew up with girls like this that they don't even know what you're talking about. Like, don't look at me at a bond and go, what's this guy talking about? I don't fucking know either. What is that like being hit on? Is that awesome?

I don't know. You know, no guys ever come up to you at a bar and been like, try to buy you a drink. What about people buying you stuff on dates? Nobody ever buy you a drink? No. Lee, next time, let's go on next time. I'll buy your drink.

It's not the same. It's not the same. I went to a gay bar with our buddy Eric and the guy bought me a drink there, and I like that. It feels good. It feels, oh, that was a fucked up. bar. And then, dude, I think I've told this

story, our buddy Eric, he's the best gay guy. He's a door guy at the comedy store, a very funny comic. And he brought me to a place called The Bullet. I know you don't like Yelp, but if you look at Yelp, their Yelp page is the best Yelp page. That I'll look at. It's a gay bar with like... That I'll look at, Lee.

It's not when you say to me, I, hey, hey, I, I Googled, I Googled Rudy's and it didn't get a lot of good fucking reviews. No, it got a lot of reviews, so I'm going to go eat there. No, you don't go eat there. Those are strangers. The strangers. They don't know about nothing. Oh my God. They have people. I'm trying

to pull it up quickly. And that's what you should have done. You should have got it catered from Rudy's. That was the ticket right there. Oh. That was the ticket. Don't fucking shrimp, dog. Forget about it. They had a shrimp with coconuts on and shit. I thought I was Gilligan for a minute. The fuck. You're from India. What are you talking about? You don't like

coconut shrimp. I don't. Yes, everyone likes coconut shrimp. If you would have had 100 of those Rudy shrimp at that fucking wedding. Those motherfuckers. They're vegetarians. A lot of vegetarians. Who gives a fuck?

That's why we put it over. What about the Jews and the white people? That's what we had shrimp and sick. You didn't think of us. That's why John Wayne didn't show. She's like, I know they're going to fuck up with the Jews. We should have Chinese. They're cold noodles.

Like fucking, not even hot noodles. Yeah. It wasn't even low main. It was like these cold noodles from Vietnam. That's Vietnamese shit. next time you can put your... Unbelievable. Your own order.

No fucking foolful white people. Let me talk about the gay bar. Collyflower fuck. Yeah, because a gay bar is like that cauliflower taco. It tastes like Vic. We had one. We had...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Lee. I need to start wearing those fucking meta glasses or a police. I want a police camera around you. Because you would come up with all these stories. Who would come up with... Who would fucking have lamb lentil nachos?

First of all, you know, well as me, lamb is good. Do you eat fucking gyros? I don't eat lamb. Well, lamb is delicious. I don't eat none of that shit. And in front of you, I've eaten one gyro. I'm sorry to fuck.

You talked to you. I've eaten one gyro in front of you and I didn't need it. In fact, you took the fucking thing home with you and stunked up the car. I don't eat that shit. You don't take stuff home? Not like that. You don't take leftovers home back? No.

Even now. No, listen, Becky, you're quiet. Say it in my because they need to hear. I'm so happy to have someone who's on my team finally. What? Lamb lentil tacos? No, she eats lamb and she does. No, she got to go.

But she's Chinese. Of course. I don't know. I wasn't invited. She's Chinese. They grow up on lamb. They eat the pig's head. They eat a lot of shit.

We don't eat. I'm sorry for getting into this. Anyway, next time I have more food for the white people. There was one Indian table and we see even separate. One Indian table. Yeah. There was 20 tables for them and one for the white people.

There was one Indian. Yeah. And then we were eating. hot shrimp. They're over there dancing. We got the cold shrimp with coconut on it. And a little piece of pineapple. Like I'm at Don Ho's house and shit. Oh my God. And fucking lamb talk. As soon as they said lamb, lentil, actually you raise your hand. No one said lentil. No. They're not going to be, I don't want no lamb in my fucking wedding. I like lamb. No, no, you don't. Have you had cumin limb? Becky, you like, uh,

let me out of this. No. I don't want to justify. You're here to say with me. Stop. Stop. No. Stop. Stop. Oh, fuck and Sashwan food. Don't start with me. Poor fucking Lee. First of all,

I eat it. I eat lamb. When the fuck do you eat lamb? All the time. Yeah. Oh, there's a Cuban food I see you eat it. They don't have you. They don't have you.

You never eat lamb with me. When do they? You eat it with fucking weird people. No fucking ride at me. And they don't have lamb. Fucking lamb nachos. Who approved that shit? This guy.

And the Indian people. God damn. You should be shot and hung for that fucking move. Little. four pastrami sliders. Four little pastrami sliders to the end table to even have an opinion about this.

Four fucking little Chinese sliders at the end. There were not four. There was a whole tray. No, there was. I was there. The Jews counted them. You know why?

Because Danny Braff, motherfucker, Pedro told me, Danny Braff took like eight sandwiches, took them all the bright off and made one big giant sandwich. The kid was starving. There was no food all night. Even that little retard.

He's sitting there. Like, what the fucking Mike gonna eat? Finally, he was so hungry, people were gonna order pizza. No, they weren't. The table next to me said, we want to order pizza. No, they weren't. There was tons of food. Yes, they did.

No, they didn't. Danny Breffey, it ain't sandwiches because he sat there. He looked like one of those black kids in the commercial. He was all sucked out. Like, when are they going to feed me? In 30 minutes, Jesus Christ. That meat came around. Everybody looked at it like, it scared everybody.

The halal meat. It wasn't halal meat. Yes, it was. It was steak. It was terrible. It was steak on a stick. No, it was steak on a steak. stick. Oh, Jesus Christ. It was no

steak on a fucking stick. It was all a paw of steak. God damn it. Oh, my God. Yeah, that was alligator to me. As I chewed it, it was harder than fuck. You know what's fucked up is the chef who listens to the podcast. So what's up, buddy? It was fucking. It was like

one of my fungi toenails. I had to keep biting into we'll be back. We got to take a break. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, if your wallet is stuffed with old cards, it's time to try Ridge. Ridge makes slim, modern wallets made with premium materials. You add your own custom features like a cash strap or an ad tag attachment.

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enjoy responsibly, and I want to thank in the cloud for sponsoring our show. We're back! I think we scared Becky with all the wedding talk. I think after today

she'll never get married or just have a wedding and get spare ribs. Everybody's happy. You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong? We talked about her getting hit on and she's wearing a jacket now.

Yeah, she's telling you. Getting colder and colder. Dog, last week I had a weird thing happen and it's been bothering me. And I even tried to write a joke about it because that's what you do when something bothers you. But damn, man, I have not felt good. A kid from North Bergen died over the weekend. Rest in peace, John Kelly.

Nice kid. He used to bartend that corkeys who used to throw ice at him. When he would turn his back to us and shit. Why does everyone who die, you have something terrible you did to know him? He was a nice guy who used to throw ice at him. He used to throw ice at him and shit when he turned his back. Well, we loved him. And I love his wife, Judy.

But it's so weird. he was maybe a year older than me or maybe the same age or a year younger. It's so weird when you're young, yeah, every once in a while somebody dies. But as you start getting older, people start dropping. You're like, one of my next?

Like you're like, the other day, I'm like, what the fuck? He's laughing. George is not laughing. George is like, it's serious. Over the weekend, I lost a very dear friend and I lost a comedian friend. You know, I just got the text of the day. He died.

But it's kind of weird how, Our friend? Look, a little comic guy. But it's weird how, you know, you go through life, people die, you get a little knock off the thing. But as you get older, which you guys don't understand yet, wait until you get to be like 55, and people start dropping that you went to grammar school with,

a high school with, and you're like, I'm not going to drink soda no more. That's funny. Like, dog, I didn't even eat bacon in Miami. No, you're done with bacon? Done. Damn. Like, I'm back to my Jewish.

days like no bacon. No bacon. Eggs by themselves, yogurt and fruit. That's it. What would you, you at 50 would have fucking tortured yourself over this breakfast. If I ordered what you just said at breakfast with you 10 years ago, you would have kicked me out of the table. No, I still eat. Listen, three eggs sunny side up. That's 21 grams of protein. One piece of toast. Right. One piece of toast. Sometimes I cut a half. You're supposed to have a whole grain. Are you eating a white bro? No, I eat a whole grain. but I cut the yolk out. I don't eat the white shit.

I don't weaken my fucking soul with that white shit. That's protein too, no? No, it's not. He doesn't like egg whites. Not what's in that fucking sun. That sun, you know, we grew up. The weirdest thing about egg yolks and egg whites is plain and simple. When I went to grammar school, you were raised on potential energy and kinetic energy, okay?

A fucking grass grows. A cow eats the grass, but at the same time, the sun hits the grass. that feeds the cow and the cow gets the sun and eats the grass. So when we kill that motherfucker, he's null and void. All of a sudden, people start going, well, no, we don't eat egg whites. Break it down to me. I don't get it how people started eating egg whites. And now they're reversing all of them.

All the claims that were made about egg whites, they're starting to reverse. If they made a mistake, that's if the egg includes the yolk. So I always like the yolk. Forget about, listen, if you told me tomorrow that the yolk was unhealthy and that you're going to die, fuck you. I'm still going to eat the yolk because I, for me, I think it's as good as fucking disco. You get a steak from a store now, turn it around. There's shit in that steak. There is nothing.

You got to get like the fucking fresh farm eggs. Like we go to a farm to get them, but we subscribe. They're fucking big motherfuckers. They taste, you know, it's like when you go to the Midwest, get an egg in the Midwest. stuck. You put ketchup on a fucking scrambled eggs. You got a meal. You eat an egg in fucking Delaware. It tastes like paper. Oh yeah, like Walmart eggs are terrible. Yeah, like

Wal-W-W-W-W-A? Oh, yeah. Walmart. Or like... Wawa-W-W-W-W-I don't have no eggs. No. They have powdered eggs. But getting it from a farm is cool. Like, have you gotten meat from the farm? Yeah. It's so much better. I never tried that. I just don't want to invest in that much meat because I don't know. I hate freezing fucking food. No, yeah. You don't want to buy a half a a cow right. Well, that's what you have to do. No, I don't know.

You have to buy half a cow, they get broke. I looked into it because I ate the meat. The meat was off the fucking chain. Yeah. So I offered to split a cow with him. I don't even have the space. Yeah, you don't want it. It's 34 steaks, 18 tomahawks, 56 hamburgers.

How many hamburgers do I eat? We can split a cow. Three of us, we split a cow. Yeah, we could split a cow three ways. Yeah. But I don't have that use for that many hamburgers. No. I make frigadels.

I like making chopped beef. with eggs. Yeah, put two egg yolks in that motherfucker, Italian breadcrumbs and green onion, a lot of green and white onion. Okay. And that has more protein than just a regular hamburger. I get you.

So I'll put two, three, four fucking eggs in that motherfucker. See, again, when we were kids, you put eggs on everything. Everything. Rocky didn't drink a protein shake. Oh, yeah. Raw eggs in the shakes? Fuck.

That always blows me out. So I would make a protein shake. with protein powder, milk, you know, weak germ, but I'd still throw in three raw eggs. So if you had 30 grams, that's another 21. That's 50 fucking one. No, you don't even taste them. When you put a lot of chocolate, a lot of syrup and shit,

you won't taste the egg yolk. The Chinese have the fucking, fucking best thing in the world. What's that? Egg drop soup. I never liked that. Can't beat egg drop soup. How do you make egg drop soup? hot water in the broth and you throw an egg in and stir it.

And that white thing, oh, the white is delicious. That's the only time I eat the white is in the fucking egg drop suit. That's why I get the egg drop soup. Do you eat scramble eggs? No scramble eggs?

I will if I want to throw myself up. But if I want to skip bang protein, I'll just do three eggs. Okay. And listen, if you had the bacon, it's not that much more protein. I started eating fucking yogurt in the hospital.

It's a probiotic. and you don't have to take that extra pill, you know, I'll still take the probiotic, but I eat that because fuck, you know, it just, it's like 15 grams of protein for that little cup of fucking yogurt. And then I eat four spoons of coconut cult. Right. In fact, I'm on my last jaw.

I've got to get some more of that shit. What is that? It's coconut live probiotic yogurt. It's $9 a fucking thing, but it lasts all week. You only take four teaspoons on an empty stomach. Oh, so it's not like a yogurt cup. You're having two kuns of yogurt with breakfast? Yeah, so I open up with the four teaspoons.

Then I drink a big glass of water. Right. Then I put salt and pepper on the eggs. Okay. All right. And then I take my medication first, pop that with orange juice. Then I eat the eggs. And then I take the fucking supplements.

Yeah, because you mix yogurt with orange juice. That's a tremendous first part. That comes out of like 9.38. 940 when you're walking into the gym and the retards are there. You might as well blast them with a little fucking, you know. Yeah, nobody knows nothing. I was going to say, you own probiotic yogurt farts are not great. They're great.

No, it's clean. Bro, I've been on this program for, like, since the hospital. So now my stomach is level. Do you still drink orange juice every day? I try to drink some type of juice every day. Why? I just like it. I haven't had juice.

Orange juice has a lot of fucking sugar. Yeah. But I went to Miami last week. I was killing the watermelon juice. Oh, yeah? Did they have it on the street or where was it? Not, this Cuban joint right around like two blocks in the hotel. Oh, nice.

And they would put a little mint in that motherfucker. Wow. Squeeze it right in front of you. How long were you in Miami? Four fucking days. How many times do you go to this Cuban restaurant? I went to Portisagua twice. Okay.

I went to this other place like three times, but I didn't eat. I just got the juice. Okay. I was going to say, I know you. like you probably I could have I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me you ate there like three times like in four days Let me tell you something the breakfast was the best breakfast I've seen since the four seasons in Denver Okay four seasons in Denver they don't play

That's the that's the hotel that's got a coffee machine On each floor Okay, so you get out of your room in the morning You don't have to go downstairs right at the end right there's a little table with tea coffee, Earl, gray tea, and croissants and cookies and a couple egg and cheese sandwiches so you never have to

go downstairs. That's amazing. So at least I would go back in that room with a fucking, I take two or three espressoes with a fucking vapor pen, start writing jokes. You don't have to go down until like 10.30. I would get up at fucking six I'd be up there. So I'm telling you, the fucking

Denver, if you really want to go to a hotel, that Denver four seasons, when you, and trust me, I didn't have the money to go Rogan took me. I don't have that type of cash. Right. That's like $2,000 a night, that fucking place. Damn. I would walk out, and it was right there.

With little, what's that thing Italian people eat to? It's got a dog. Full fucking boat. But this was last week. It was just as good. Made to order eggs. That's always fun at a hotel. Made to order eggs.

Fucking scrambled eggs. Turkey sausage, fucking bacon. Fried chicken. with waffles. Every day, I didn't touch the chicken. This is a buffet, not a restaurant. This is a buffet. This is the rest of breakfast.

VIP breakfast. You go downstairs. They have a different, and then this is part of you get a special package. Okay. It's $42. But you ate that $42. Like a motherfucker.

Mercy and the other kid didn't eat breakfast. It was just me and my wife. Oh. So I would have a coffee upstairs on the fucking, and, yeah, I would smoke a joint upstairs, and then I would fly down there, and I'd fucking finagle my way in. First thing, I'd take two. You should have seen the size of the fucking, that bread you told me about before,

seven multi-grained bread. It was like this. Oh, thick. Oh, fresh baked. Oh, fuck, fresh bake. They had everything, English muffins. While you're there, you throw two pops of bread and the toaster. Now I can navigate.

I already have my timing down. The toaster's cooking. I would go right over there had a fruit tray. Nice. Black, they had blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries. And then, like, dragging fruit. They had, like, a fucking section of this shit. And there you go, fucking people taking one strawberry.

I almost killed, like, six motherfuckers. Just put the whole thing in there. Then they had a station of different yogurts. Okay. Cheoseed pudding, banana yogurt, those yogurt parfas, or Greek yogurt, yogurt with fucking regular and then just vanilla yogurt. So I would take those raspberries. and put them in a dish, squish them, like cold oven beanery, that ice cream shit.

And I put the yogurt on top of that. Oh, my God. Coldstone. So I would throw three sunsides, three sunny set eggs. I would throw fucking two of those yogurt dishes. And then to finish up, a cup of fucking oatmeal. That was delicious. Fuck you in those grits.

I don't eat that shit. You know like grits? No. And Jews don't eat grits either. Knock it off. Halapeno, cheddar grits with some shrimp? You don't like that? Okay.

But back to the breakfast. And they had that other shit that I like, cream of wheat. Oh, gross. Which you never see anymore. No, because no one eats it. Cream of wheat. That is, and you don't like grids. Dog, if you were to put out your wedding, people would eat it.

You understand? If you had cream of wheat, people that said, fuck it. We'll take this shit. I can't wait to the wedding. I bumped into one of those lamb. Lentil fucking nachos. Jesus Christ. Let me tell you something.

And then they had, oh, dog. They had a section of co-cuts. Right. But then they blew it big time for the Jews. They fucking got, Doug. They got. They blew it in Miami. That's not good.

No, no, no, no, no. Not they blew it. They blew it up for the Jews. Oh, okay. I'm talking to that. They had fucking Brooklyn bagels that were flown overnight. Nice. Because they had them.

They go, they come on. They get to the fucking airport, and they hear a half hour later. Nice. They had a lock station with. where they carved up the locks nice and put it into little circles for the Jews with like a menorah behind it. Come on, Lord.

Come on now, where's that he at? Where's that in Yahoo? They had the lockers. Oh, shit. They had something else like that other... That shit that Rich Voss likes. The pie? Oh, pie?

Remember at the Jew place I took you? I said, we bought something for your mom. It comes in different flavors. Toshka? No. Oh, it's like a... The noodle pudding? No, it's like that shit

That really men keesh. It looks like a Jew keesh. Oh, okay. Oh, crumble, they had that. Okay. They had some other stuff. Let me ask you this about the locks. Because I've...

No brown spots. Clean Bobby. It was like stocked well because I can imagine Jews like tearing it up when it first comes down. Dog, don't, look. As a Jew took one out,

an African put one back. One of Somalians from fucking Minnesota. He pulled one back. You think I'm fucking kidding, you dog. They don't play with the Jews. And that chicken? The fried chicken?

The chicken? I was watching the chicken. And who was taking the people who get, bro? And, you know, 10 years ago, I liked that shit. Like two waffles with three pieces of fried chicken on that motherfucker and some maple syrup. And then they had the other things for the Jews, the eggs, not the hard-bolled eggs, but the, it's called something. They had those in the hot area. Nah, no, no.

I did have some fucking, let me tell you something. I had some. You go to a hotel and they have the main restaurant. Then they have something else. Then they have like that place where you bring your kid. You don't expect much. You go in there and you're like, yeah, kicking finger. I went in there with the girls when that.

I wasn't going to eat. I was like, here we eat. Sasha got a shrimp cocktail. My daughter got something. The kid's place had a shrimp cocktail? The shrimp cocktails were like this. Damn. This thick, three of them were long.

I was like, I got to get a piece of this shit. You know what I ended up ordering? The fucking deviled eggs, me. That's delicious. With a little mayonnaise, they had a little mustard. Oh, my God. Now that's, you eat three of those and a cup of yogurt. That's when you go on a plane.

That's when you go on JetBlue with no underwear on and you put a little fucking hole by the asshole. So the heat is just like a sleep apnea mask and has that hole for the hot a antho exhaust. You eat three hard boiled eggs. Right. And you get that cup of yogurt with fruit and you just go on a jet blue flight and pick your leg up like this. This is a little hole right here. And you'll see the fart come out.

You'll see a little smoke, a little fire. And then people fucking crossing the oxygen mask. Dude, you're going to get charged with terrorism. They're going to bring you to Guantanamo as a Cuban. If you fucking fart on a plane like that. What am I? I'm not even getting on planes no more. You got on planes,

but you fart on all the planes. Now I'm the one on a plane. Shit. Shit. Oh, my God. Dude. But also, did you go to the beach at all?

Because I can't imagine eating all this food and then go sitting on the beach. No, but dog, that's at night. That I would eat at. You got to remember, guys. I'm a fucking old man. If you ever get up in the middle of night and you look at the clock,

ask yourself, his uncle Joey awake right now. He probably is awake. Okay. If you get up any time after five in the morning, like, I'm one of those idiots. I was walking around in Miami at 615. I would put on a hooded sweatshirt and go outside

and just stare at the ocean with a cup of coffee. That was my head in the morning. They're grateful for being here. Grateful for this, grateful for that. And then the wind was so strong, I'd have to go around. Bro, our balcony wrapped around the building. We had three doors to go out.

Like doctors. You wouldn't fucking believe this shit. Like doctors, and they said no to smoke in the rooms, but they had ashtrays outside. They're already fucking new. Yeah. So I was out there in the little corner blowing fucking bones at night, you know. And then I would go in and Terry would wake up and wait for how to do a thing.

We shoot down like 715. Nice. So by 9, I'm ready to rock. I'm ready to stabbing. And like, this is something that I've kind of changed because I know you usually don't like vacations. No. Well, like now? I wasn't lying to you this year about your wedding.

If you wouldn't have got married on the 27, we would have left on the 26. Okay. You know, because we wanted to go. Dogs, I'm done. I don't blame me. You've known me a long time. You just told these people. I used to work all the fuck.

Listen, I don't give a fuck about anything. I'm one of those people, honest to God, at the end of the day, I had no decision but to become successful at something. Because I didn't find what most people find entertaining. entertaining is when you have money in the bank. That's entertainment. When you could fucking go to sleep and go, I'm covered for the next two fucking months.

I don't have to suck nobody's dick. I don't have to do shit, okay? And that's the point of it. You saw me. We didn't take no Christmas day off. No? We didn't do shit. I was back on the road the day after Christmas.

The 26th, we did a gig if we had a venue, but if not that weekend, I'm on the road. My wife's birthday is the 28th. Did I give a fuck? No, because we got to eat. I can say, Happy birthday. For what?

We got to eat. So now, I'd like to do something for four days. I don't need to go away for seven days. Guys, as nice as Miami was, I couldn't wait for Wednesday to come. That's crazy. Because there's no place like home.

That's true. At the end of the week, yeah, you like it, the hotel, the food. But let me tell you something. that fucking place I was telling you about I had a prime rib sandwich in there yeah not since Houston's I don't know if anybody ever went to Houston's they used to have the steak sandwich

in Houston's for 20 bucks I'm talking 30 years ago was 20 bucks you complain you went anything like 20 bucks per a steak until you bit that motherfucker and you're like oh shit I would drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica right with 30 dollars just enough if I had a dollar over 30 dollars I would shoot the Santa Monica of the Houston's. That was my big fucking freak

when I lived in L.A. Because I loved that. But this prime rib sandwich was second to it. How was the right? I'm glad you had a fun and the food was good, but it sounds like your favorite parts were the food. How was like the rest of Miami? The rest of Miami, let me tell you something.

Sunday we got there. We didn't do shit. Went to eat Cuban food. Went to Collins Avenue, walked around, saw cars, you know, a bunch of fucking, you, listen. I love music. I love all types of music.

But that raggedony music, that Spanish rap, it is the worst thing. Riggotony sounds like a... They have ever made in my life. And when I got this sad, I called Nick right away. I go, Nick, we made a mistake. What, the wrong place.

You know, I was watching what was going on. And they play that music that you can't dance to, you could just do this to... What the fuck is this? Yeah, what the fuck is this now? You know, it's... garbage. So that's why I did the first night. Okay. And then Sunday morning I got up breakfast and went right to the fucking beach. They hooked me up with like a fucking little bed, two chairs,

a bucket of ice, fruit, ooh, the whole thing. Fucking great. Guy comes over. You're going to come to mom? Joe, fuck yeah. I'll be here nice and early. We cash out of the drinks. We walk up. Guy goes, you want to come tomorrow, right? Yeah. What time you want to come here? I don't know. You know, maybe 10? He goes, all right. He goes, all right. He goes, Listen, we count to you today, but tomorrow's going to be $450. It's worth it. $450? $4.50.

I don't know. I don't know. You tell me. Dark, seaside. You know, they... I thought so you didn't do it. Not the next day, but it was windy anyway. He goes, we'll do it for $3.50 if you come.

Okay. You know? Three fucking 50. Two chairs. A little bed. Right. But they come out with a drilling shit. They ain't fucking around, dog.

That's what I was going to say earlier. Like, and I, because I get it. I don't have, I don't make a ton of money. But like, I would rather go on one vacation a year or one vacation every two years. But even just, but go to a nicer place and spend, because how great was it to go to the beach and not have to be in the sand? You have a nice comfortable thing. Have a server come over. That sounds awesome.

You missed it. See, you're never around when the good stuff. I wasn't. You invited me to Miami, motherfucker. You got me to Miami. I'm going to skip my wedding. You know motherfuckers are never around when the good thing happens. The only person to witness these things is my wife.

And that's why she thinks I'm a fucking idiot. Because I'm at the beach doing my thing. You know what I'm saying? I got my SPF number eight on. I got my feet and the toes and the shit. My toes in the water. You know, I'm not supposed to go on a beach with his knee. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Because it sinks into the sand. Yeah, it's all fucked up now. But I didn't give a fuck. Fuck. Because if you go to seaside of one of these beaches around here, I got to walk across the street, bring the chair. Then you get to the beach, and now it's another thousand miles. You got to walk. This was, dog, this was downstairs.

There was a little walk for people that jog. Yeah. They go this way, and you're on the beach. And how is the sand? Probably smooth. Smooth. 15 feet. They had everything set up.

I went right down to the water. The girls were like, it's still cold that. I put my foot on. I'm like, it's a little cold but it ain't Jersey no it's not Jersey and I kept walking in

yeah walking in and I went up to my fucking waist that's the worst part and next thing you know a fucking wave knocked me over you guys would never laugh

that hard because I was laughing so hard I pissed myself listen to me no no no no no wait a second okay

all the way down I tell you the truth guys when I fuck up, I tell you the truth. We're not all fucking geniuses here. But you missed it. Even my wife was like, that was tremendous. She goes, what happened?

Why did you just stand there? I go, because I couldn't fucking breathe. I was just peeing. Kids were walking. I was just peeing through my bikini right on the sand. I didn't take my dick out. I didn't give a fuck, Jack. I had one of those breathing fits that I have here with the stairs.

Well, I just got to start peeing. And I just got out of the water and I just started peeing. I couldn't even keep it together. I was breathing so hard. And also the pee just started dripping down my leg. And I thought about going back into the ocean. I go, fuck it. Let the pee on my leg at this point.

I don't give a fuck. I tried it off with a towel. I got knocked over this way, all right? Oh, you went backwards? Like a chubby fat dude. I'm going like this. Right? Now when the water brought me down,

I'm up to my here and I pop my head up. and all of a fucking other way and gets me back, right? And now I'm floating like a fat fuck again. But this time I flip over and I land on my hands and knees. Oh no. And I'm like, perfect.

Now I can get up. Didn't time for another one? Oh, my God. Every time I put my foot down and go to get up, the wave would hit me again. And I go backwards. This happened about four or five times.

Then it took me three or four times just to get up to both feet. Do the lifeguards come out? No, no. The lifeguards didn't even see it. And I got up. And finally I'm like, I can't even breathe. I thought I was going to have an heart attack.

I didn't have my inhaler. And I'm looking at Terry. Terry's like, look at me. And I turn around. And I make believe I'm looking at the ocean. I'm just breathing for my life. And also I'm like, fuck, I got to go back in the water. I got to pee.

I'm like, fuck that. And when I was in the, but the funniest thing, when I was in the ocean, and I finally turned around and looked up. There was a kid. I'm like a little sledboard. He was laughing his ass off at me. I'm like, you little motherfucker up. Dude.

I can't. I'm glad you. you're okay at Chan. Now that you're okay, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I guarantee that that nice resort has cameras on the beach. I would pay. I would give every cent that I made at that wedding for that video. I would, that is. Ah! So you lied. You didn't make money at the wedding. That said cock sucking. You gave us, and you gave us laugh, nachos, cocksucker.

No, I didn't make money. Is that why people get married? So you make some money? Yeah, it's an investment. On your future. Well, it's easy. I spent a lot of money, but I didn't spend a lot of money. They don't give you shit. My parents spent a lot more money than I did. Wasn't I say to you, but it was a couple years ago on the Pacific Beach with my wife.

Mercy's four, maybe three. And there's nobody on the beach. It's early in the morning. And we're losers. We got out of the house by eight in those days. We get down there's like 9.15. Nobody's on the beach. And I decide to walk the beach.

And I walked the beach. And I walked the beach. On the way back, nobody's on the beach. I'm looking at Terry, maybe 60 yards from Terry. Hey, and her, mercy, like, waving. I'm walking towards them, but I'm still on the beach where the water comes. It's hitting my feet and dog. A wave came, but it had a rock, a boulder in it,

and it hit me right here. To this day, there's a dent where it hit me. I just went down, boom. I just laid there. My wife's like, are you okay? I couldn't even breathe from the fucking pain. The thing dented my shit. I'm lucky to break it.

There's still like a brown spot there. If you look at it. Like that shit happens and my wife was laughing her ass off. Oh my God. I can see it going like, there's a thousand rocks. And that one hits you. And that one hit you.

I mean, it was a fucking rock. Dude, you might be like bad luck at the beach. I've never, you've had so many, how many, like have you ever got stuck by a jellyfish?

When I was a kid, I almost drowned in Coney Island. I don't think you should go. I think you shouldn't go in the water. When I was five, I almost drowned in the Coney Island and when I was drowning. The undercurrent had me.

I'll never, you never heard me talk about Coney Island again, have you? No. All these people go to the Coney Island. There's a reason that I'm going to Coney Island. How did you almost that? Because in 1968, I was swimming in Coney Island. And the undercurrent took me. My mom kept saying, stay up here.

Stay up here. And I kept getting sucked back. And as the undercurrent took me, I'm pedaling my little faggy feet. And I look up, and there's a piece of shit floating in the ocean. I'm like, If I get out of this water, I'm never coming here again. I never went back to Coney Island ever again. A fucking piece.

And I wasn't prepared for that. No one is. Like it's not like you watch it on NBC News or nothing. A piece of shit. Like a full like log was just floating next to you. Somebody just took their pants off and took a shit in the ocean, Doug. I didn't even know there was a beach at Coney Island. Yeah, that's what it is.

It's the worst beach ever. So it was just a homeless guy, just shit in the water pretty much? I don't know. I don't know. Lee, 1968. That's 32 and 25. That's the last time I was in Coney Island.

32 and 20? 50, yeah, 57 years. Jesus Christ. I'm too high. I'm too high. I'm a Jew. I got the only 10 million Jews. I got a Jew that can't do math and can't put a wedding fucking menu together.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. I know there's cops who watch this. I know there's New York cops who watch this. Get me a body camera, please. I swear to God. Oh, my God. Well, you know, tape.

I didn't eat, I didn't eat those lamb tacos. Yeah, but I want to show the rest of the goddamn food of the goddamn. Bro, the food was not Bueno. First of all, wedding food is never fantastic, and it actually was pretty good. Stop. I did go to a tasting that was awful. Do you take your leftovers with you? No.

No. No. They had an alcalca salsa table. They did have an, you know what? The Jews brought acid. We brought it. We brought some of the end of acid. The aunt everything.

I saw your cousins spraying. Cologne on people? He did? Like on the sludge. That was the Italian guy. Oh, my God. Poorly, we got to rib your out the wedding. It was a great wedding.

I had fun. Did you see the picture I posted today on my stories? The one I posted? Yeah. Yeah. That was a fun one. Any other stories on my thing today? I appreciate it. Do you? Thank you. It was a beautiful wedding. And that picture, if you look at it, unless you're a fucking cunt or a miserable person. That's a beautiful picture of Lee and his wife. I see him prying under the veil of tears. Look at him. Look at him.

He's saying, he's laughing going, look at that picture. He's saying, these assholes ate the food. But my wife posted it, Mercy posted it. Oh, that's so nice. Nick posted it. It's a beautiful fucking picture, Lee. So is it great. Lee, we're busting you.

I mean, the food was garbage. Fair enough. We're busting your ball. The place was nice. Thank you. The reception was short. Which was fucking really helpful. Yeah, that was a bunch.

We had a great time. We were cracking jokes in the back. Oh, yeah. We had whoopie cushions with our faces on it. Oh, my God. But I saw the whoopee cushion. I thought so many played a trick on me. Now everybody moved them.

So I'm sitting there and I'm watching you guys. And there's a Hindu woman behind me that was banging. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of them. There was like three or four Hindus there that were banging, that little vegan monkey. Why didn't think I married my wife? I mean, but yeah. They were banging.

There was an older one behind me, like 51, very sweet. Very nice family. Very sweet. Very nice. She even touched me, so I kept checking her out. Like, why should touch him? And I went to move my foot and I heard, like, and not only that, you got cheap, puffy cushions.

You even get the dollar ones. You got the $25 cents ones. No, it weren't fucking $25. it's a lot easy to find a place to get custom whoopee cushions. Well, that was fun. You know, it was fun, speaking of Danny Braff, that asshole. Because I'm used to comedy, I turn my phone to airplane mode, like when I was going to read my vows.

And so I turned my phone back on, when I was reading my vows, Danny Braff texted me gay. If I had gotten that ass, I was reading my vows, I would have killed him. I saw him texting you as something. Oh, my God, that's so funny. But, you know, man, even I was in the hospital four weeks this year my fucking tooth broke

I swallowed the bridge you know I had a lot of problems this year 2025 was still a great year guys and I know that the other night was the highlight of your 2025 I know that you know 2025 was good I got to meet Becky

got to take Becky with us on the road to give us a little balance Becky was quiet tonight. She's just absorbing everything. I'm taking it in. She's taken it in. She's very, very funny. It's been fun working. No, I told it.

It's been inspiring because it's looking at comedy from a different perspective. Right. I'm hanging out with guys that've been doing comedy for 30 years. You see their specials. They don't offer you nothing new. You see this shit.

We have nothing new to offer you. At least with Becky, we're looking at her, develop. It's inspiring. Ask her. I'll hit her up every day. night where you going to me not that i could go nothing i could meet her but

and then what the fuck you're going to my back because i know it does for me like knowing that joey's going to ask me that i'm like oh i gotta have i gotta go somewhere tonight i don't want you guys to ever think you know yeah i lived in their life for so long and i saw people that complained i never saw so many artists they're not artists when you fucking complain constantly about this and this

and that, it's always nice to do comedy with people who are looking at it. Not from, like, when I walk into a theater, I've done a theater 80,000. You know what I'm saying? I know this guy. I've known him, you know, for 25 fucking years. But when Becky walks in, look at her. Look how she looks at the place. You know, when we went to the improv, I saw you looking at it.

Like, this is like a church. I was excited. And, yeah, that's what we forgot. So every once in a while you got to, number two, I like having a woman on my show. And I know there's a lot of guys that are mad that you want to take me on the road. The problem is I can't serve people three orders of dick. You know, you cannot serve a person three orders of dick. Because a lot of the people who come to my shows, their wives or girlfriends buy them the ticket.

They don't like me. But they go to the show, he loves you. So we bought him a ticket. I want them to have somebody. Right. And, you know, Becky, this is what you're doing here. This is what basically you're doing here. You're here tonight because we just wanted to bring more tonight.

You were overwhelmed with old people problems, marriages and shit that doesn't. Becky is like, she's fun on the road. You know what? She likes to eat, which is you fit in, you fit right in. You're not like, yeah, you don't. Well, that was a thing. If she would have ever complained, she wouldn't be here right now. Like if she would have started with the fucking, why are you eating this?

This has fucking chemicals in it. Why are you eating this or something? But she ate, she's a trooper. My daughter told me that the steak you guys got in Maryland was the best steak she ever had. She goes, I was going to tell Becky, I wanted the whole thing. That was so bad. That was a good steak. Yeah.

My daughter still thought, because that was the best steak I ever had. But that's what this is about. It's not about, you talk to a guy my age that does comedy. You're not going to, you know, it's boring. Right. My views are completely different. I'm looking at it. How she's looking at it is the way I used to look at it.

Where, hey, we're having an orgy tonight. Great. That's what comedy is? Hey, my mother's birthday's tonight. You're coming by? Send her a hug. That's what, you know, when you're in these first 10 years, 11, 12 years,

you don't stop to somebody acknowledges you. Not that you're going to be on fucking Kill Tony or you're going to be on the Rogan podcast or you're going to be on this tonight show until somebody goes, hey man, I've been watching you. I like your stuff and I think I want to manage you or be your agent or be true of my club, whatever. And then you're starting to get places.

And now, and even then I turn the heat on even. Like once I got to L.A., like everything I did before L.A. was hard. But once I got to L.A., now I'm in the major leagues. I'm not a major league guy. I'm a AAA guy. But they put me in the major leagues. So I'm going to shut my fucking mouth.

And I'm like, I'm going to act like a major leaguer. That's it. I'm not a major leaguer. I'm not by no means. I'm lucky I got 12 minutes. And that's if I improvise. You know what I'm saying? But they put me in this position.

So now I have to act. like it. So that doubled my hunger. We were talking about rest and peace, Jeff Garcia. That's all we knew. I knew the comedy store and Jeff Garcia, Felipe Sparser, Willie Barsena, and Edwin San Juan. Those guys had 20 rooms from 8 to 10. From 8 to 10, they had 20 rooms. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. In fact, they did that room two weeks ago. George called me. It was sold out. The one by the Chinese poker room that they don't let. white people in? You ever go out there with us?

I don't think so. Club something fucking dog. The one with the tacos in front? Perfect. This is a different one. Different one. This, it started at 10. Okay.

And it's got a donut shop, blockbuster. Well, at that time, I knew the chick who won the blockbuster. And they have a Chinese restaurant. Nice. Ready for this? The Chinese restaurant got cars all around it.

11 o'clock, 12 o'clock at night. The drive-thru one? cars parked. Okay. All around. Okay. One waiter sitting inside by himself all night. And we were walking and they were one awesome pork fry rice.

We're closed. You could hear them. They were gambling. Oh, shit. They were gambling. It was a Chinese gambling club. And then the comedy was in there. Fuck, George Perez just did it three weeks ago.

He said, I want to do a comedy. Like, he goes, I had nothing better to do on a Monday. Sold out. 10 o'clock show. Good for him. And they used to put, like, the owner would put out, like, wings and, you know, like that type of food, like fast food for us. The bartender was cool. They had a karaoke thing.

It was like he gave everybody 50 bucks on a Monday night. You got home at one. Monday nights was always a late night back then. Well, that's fine. But all those rooms, man, I cut my teeth on those. You know, I told you, when I moved to L.A. It was, I went from doing 30 sets a month in Seattle. or 24 to 40, 50 sets a month in L.A.

And I had a girlfriend. And she hit me with that shit too. My family's coming to town. They want to take you to dinner. Send them my love. I still talk to it. She goes, that's why we didn't work out because you used to always be busy.

We're in California. We're not in fucking Michigan. We're not in Austin. We're not anywhere. We're in the real big leagues. Well, not anymore. even know what's going on in California. They're predicting that the lots are all going to be real estate in five years.

Well, oh, the studio lots? Yeah, probably. They shoot everywhere else. They don't need to be in L.A. anymore. I mean, listen, man. An American tradition. Since I was a fucking kid, he'll vouch. He's my age.

When was there never a fucking Christmas movie, George? Fucking Christmas, you ate whatever Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, you went some And at 7 o'clock, you were on the phone. Listen, we're going to go to movies, pick up a bottle of Blackberry, pick up three hits of acid. Everybody went to the movies in this country. Right. The movies were back Christmas Day.

With Jews? No, with everybody. Biggest movies. They did how, yeah. Catholics, everybody. Lee, you're in the house since fucking Thursday afternoon with the same old people, hearing the same stories hanging jingle bell songs. Friday, you're right?

in the same people eating leftovers of different food with somebody else's house. When the cousins got together, kids that were like in high school, gone, gone, no matter what nationality were. You went to the movies and you saw Godfather 3,

old fiction came out on Christmas Day. I think, I think one of those movies came out. Die hard because I went to see him on Christmas Day. Yeah. That was an American fucking tradition. Name one movie that came out this weekend. They have that stand-up movie, I think.

I don't know if that came out this beginning. Oh, I didn't know. But I'm talking about a movie that everybody... But not a big one, not a blockbuster. No, but I'm talking about a movie that everybody goes to see. Not Beverly Hills cop. Well, one of those was a block... Trading Places could have been a Christmas Day movie.

Oh, shit, really? I'll tell you what the most famous Christmas Day movie was. What is it? What is the biggest Christmas Day release of all time? I think you're going to tell me, like... And it's wrong. The way I phrased it is wrong. Maybe Scarface?

I don't know what time. Scarface came out. Christmas Day, 1983. Bombed. Bombed. Yeah, it's not a family movie. I bet family movies do great. You could put it on YouTube.

You could go on YouTube right now and look for Scarface premiere, Christmas Eve in New York City, and people walking out one by one. Walking out one by one going. What the fuck? That's a fuck that movie on Christmas. Christmas, you want a movie with like,

you know, it's a nice one. happy, yeah. Yeah, you want to hold alone. You want to take grandma. You want to go. That's going to be cut up with a chainsaw. That's fucked up. That's fucked up on Christmas days.

Think about it. I even expect it and don't like it. But we didn't even get a scar face this year. I would have to see somebody get cut up this year. But Christmas, right? Fucking damn. Shooting bullets. You know, nothing.

We got nothing. And this is the new fucking America that we're living. Netflix is buying everything. means, like I said, in three years, this whole landscape is going to change the theaters. And I kind of like, you know, there's no money

but to break even if we all three of us chipped in and bought a theater and new. I'd love to do that. There's no money. We have to rent those movies, and they charge you an arm in a leg for those movies. Not the cheap ones. Go do like a dollar movie theater. Or do like a new Beverly? No, I know. But even if we,

where are we getting those movies for that, fucking cheap. They have some deal. If they charge you like, was like old one movie, second one, whatever it's called. But like,

let me ask, because like you're here, Becky, you're like the young correspondent. You're like, did 27 year olds go to movies? Like, what do you do?

I just sit at home. You don't, what are your friends do? They're sitting at home. Really? So people just like, like, I'm not,

why am I going to go pay to watch this? Yeah, everybody is just on their phone, scrolling. Look at them right now. Look at them. Yeah, he won't get off the phone,

Nick. He can, have a football game on and be watching something else like into it. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. You know, like I said, the video's the future.

When I was 18, 19, 25, 30, right? You went to a club. You had a quailout or you got a couple drinks in you. You grinded with a girl. You fucking grinded with a, you know, shit. The clothes came off a t-shirt. Some guy with no shirt on with a lot of muscles.

Now they're just doing this. this is it See he thinks it looks cool He kept saying looking cool Let me get Let me get your Instagram I'll hit you up later I'll pull up

Pull up what are you talking about Do you find Mercy talking like this Like does Mercy laugh at like 6, 7 I don't even know what it means But I just know people do it now What What does it mean Becky when people go 6, 7? I don't know

But she's I have no Okay It just means nothing But she doesn't do any of that stuff at your house Yeah, okay I think that's what it is. I've heard. So you didn't know.

She knows it won't fly. Yeah. Not you. My daughter. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, no, no. I just. Oh, this, whatever this means,

what the fuck. But it's a different, you know, it's a different thing. So what are you going to do? It's the role with the punches. But yeah, she knows,

she knows, like, what would you do if she started talking to you like that? I'll have a fucking heart attack. I have a fucking heart attack. Because, you know, later on,

she could do whatever to, fuck she wants. Not when she's in my house talking like fucking Sambo Joe. I don't need that shit. You know, yo, yo, yo. I'm gonna pull up, not in my fucking house. You live in Marlboro. What do you, you know? What the fuck are you gonna pull up? What are your bike?

You know, what the fuck are these people talking about? I don't know what they're talking about. No. I feel so old. Like I had to ask somebody a day. I've heard this expression before. But last week I put a video up from Miami. dog I put millions of videos up

when I tell you I looked at my phone at one point I had 130 mentions and it was the same video and people were putting on it my hero no cap no cap and I'm like what the fuck is no cap

and I asked one of the young guys he goes that means you're not lying is that what that means no cap yeah I don't know what it means I'm a fucking old man right this is what I'm saying to you who the fuck knows anymore what's hip and what's not fucking hip.

I just know that you serve lamb and lentil fucking tacos at your fucking wedding. Manchos, no lentils. God damn it. We're all going to be at the dojo comedy January 1st, except Lee. We're all going to be there.

Sam Tripoli, Florentine, Rich Voss. We got, uh, he sent me something today. Staten Island, the 31st at the St. George Theater. And we've also got, We have Tampa and March. We have...

No, no. We're just talking about January. Why confuse these poor white people? January 22nd, 8 o'clock. The dojo. Bucket of Chaos. January 1st, 8 o'clock, Sam Tripoli, and January 30th we're at St. George Theater

in Staten Island. Becky will be with me, Lee will be with me. I don't know what Lee's got this week. He told me he's going to go on to Jimmy Kimmel and do a guest guest, spot. I didn't say that. Can I come? I'm going to be in Vegas if you want to come. I'm going to try to get it said, make sure you follow me. On January 5th, I'm at the comedy shop. Is my next

spot in the city. What are you have, Beck? I got a couple of spots in New Jersey. Just make a little spots. Yeah, January 8th. I'm in the garden. Yep. That's right. Correct. It don't fucking matter. Guys, thank you for a very good year. I love you at all my heart from all three of us. Nikki, George, all of us. Thank you for supporting us and having our back. Have a happy new year. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, getting old hits hard, but you fight it with Bubbs naturals. Bubbs natural collagen peptides help you turn the clock back and restore collagen levels to what your body had in its youth. This collagen powder has zero sugars, sweeteners, or fillers. It dissolves in any liquid without taste of clump.

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Tell them that the church pointed you in their direction, all right? Happy New Year, everybody. Thank you.