Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz Did Donuts In A Hearse

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Boom! We're back for another exciting week on The Church! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk Lee's big mistake coming back from San Diego, why Joey Diaz won't perform at The Comedy Store again, the psychology of torturing someone until they begin to torture themselves. SHOW NOTES Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/ Support the show & save up to $600 on a Hydrow Rower with code DIAZ at http://hydrow.com/ If you're 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with the Jewish Cato Lee Syatt for another fun-filled episode of the Church of What's Happening Now, New Testament. It's Tuesday, the 16th of December. That's it. You got one more Monday left before Christmas. We've been counting them down. Some people like to jump up and down on New Year's.

That don't mean dick, okay? Countdown Christmas, it's even more painful. It's like how they got Jesus. They stabbed them in the... stomach, then they stabbed them in the hand. You know, it's, it's a less subtle. But anyway, the Christmas season is finally here. Yeah, but January 1st, you're going to say 51 weeks left until Christmas.

I said, 51 more Mondays left through Christmas, Jack. Then we start all over again. It never ends. But it's a beautiful day to be alive here. I mean, what's going on here today? Nothing. Not a thing? Not a thing.

Dude, I was, I've been busy. I know you've been busy. You've been flying, getting. fucking on planes, sitting in coach in the middle. Can we have a timer? I think it took like 46 seconds into this podcast and it got brought. Dude, the problem I have with you is you yell at me now before you even call me. Because as soon as something, as soon as anything happens, I'm like, all right, Joey's going to say that.

And you say, I got to be honest. I could, fuck AI. I could write a script as Joey Diaz. And first of all, I was not in the middle. But yeah, I took a one o'clock flight. And that's... Hold on, hold on. We got a sponsor up tight real quick.

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Meal Lee. We're back, Jack! All right. So what happened? What happened? What happened? I took a one o'clock flight. It was honestly the best delay I've ever had

because they did it before I got to the airport. I took a 1 p.m. flight, which I know. I know that you are a big fan of the 6 a.m. flights. And you're right. They barely ever get delayed or canceled. You are correct. But. You would have been home at 1 o'clock.

would have been home at 3 o'clock i did that i looked at it fuck but but dude i don't want to wake up at 5 in the morning after i get back at 1 in the morning you're already tired you're already tired that's why saturday instead of all jumping up and down you take that nap i did that's all i did all week i took naps i went to the beach i got splashed by the ocean i looked like a fucking asshole oh that's a norm any day now you know what i but dude i yeah i took a 1 o'clock flight that at like 11 in the morning they're like, hey, this is, they had the bail even left. Yes, sir. Let me ask you something.

Uh-huh. I'm telling you this is a 63-year-old man. You ain't got time to waste in this life. Look, I'm telling you this. I feel you. I wasted 30 fucking years. If I would have had those 30 years, forget about it. But then again, you know, who the fuck knows?

What happened if Adam wouldn't have bit the apple? A lot of shit, right? Right. I mean, who the fuck knows, okay? You know, listen, man, nothing, there's a system. And that system always works. And you never deviate.

You stick to that system because it's a proven fucking mule. It's a mule. You know, there's not many locks in life. But in today's airline system, I know that that 6 a.m., it's going to be a motherfucker to cancel it. Or at least I'm going to be in the air in the winter by 7 a.m. I'm sure that that flight at 6 got delayed. I know for a fact, because when you wake up with snow, everybody panics.

It might have. But like I said, you're right. I just didn't feel like doing it. And I did get lucky, though. Because when we landed at JFK, there were people who were waiting for over two hours for their bags. A lot of people got fucked. I just got lucky that I didn't get fucked. There's a time of the year, man, when I had all these plans and all this shit.

I was going to take George Austin for his birthday. By the way, happy birthday to my brother George Collardisky. He's 60-something years old. But it's just I'm not in the mood for an airport again. And I'm not in the move for that fucking Austin airport. Like next time I go to Austin, I'm taking a fucking helicopter. I'm doing something different because I can't. That was brutal.

That's brutal anymore. No, I don't blame you. It just not. It doesn't work for me no more. And I'm very, you know, some people will never, some people hide it. And they go, it just doesn't work with me no more. My knee cannot handle all that walking.

My lung can't handle landing and then walking. And then it's just, and then you got to walk to the Uber another mile. Yeah. It's rough, guys. It's fucking rough, okay? That's not part of my fucking itinerary is walking 82 miles. I could have just walked to me.

I could have just gotten a fucking here on the, right? Doesn't the, what were they talking about? What's the road that goes through union? I didn't know this. There's a dangerous road that goes through. one, two, whatever, the 22. The 22 takes you all the way to fucking past Nashville. I didn't know that.

I didn't. But anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. My point is that... That pre-show joint kicked in. You know, it's just... Oh, I totally get... And I understand you're playing barefoot in the park. You get married, you're on the beach.

No, I thought... Taking pictures for the wedding. No one took pictures. Although I did see... There were two couples doing that on the beach. No, I planned this. a while ago because I wanted to maintain

so I'm not in the middle in the back in Delta. I needed one more flight for the year. So it worked out. But it was, I can, trust me, dude. I haven't been, I've been doing this

conservative, like a third of the time you've done it. I'm sure in 20 years, I'll be like fuck flights and all that. But yeah, it was, I will say it was great to go back to Cal. I did miss California,

especially San Diego. ago. I didn't go up north though. I did. Oh, you did go to. I didn't. Dude, and this is, I knew you would hate this, but you might respect it. So I did two spots Thursday night.

I did a guest set with Sam Talent, who was great. Hesteros loves you. He's started in Denver, too. And then I did a spot at Madhouse. And I just didn't feel like going home. And I was hoping that our buddy Eric was going to be at the store. So I just looked at Anisha. And I was like, you want to go to Yum Yum donuts in L.A.?

So we just, there was no traffic. It took two hours. Eric was with a, was with a lovely gentleman of the night. So I didn't get to see Eric. But we drove straight to the valley. Yum donuts. Ours, right by your house.

No, no. I did drive through. I drove by the store, but no, I wanted to show her chocolate. So they were fresh. We got there like two in the morning. Oh, they were fresh.

They were fresh. They were so. I almost got a chocolate one with peanut. But I was, bro, that's not a, that's the shit I was born to do. Like, get off the stage and go, Lee, you don't, first of all, one of different time clock. Right. You go to your room at 11.

You're just going to sit there until 3. Oh, yeah. Right? It's 12 o'clock here. That's what the average time you go to bed, something like that, right? So, oh, my God, they get an Uber and smoke dope in the Uber and take an edible and get the yum yum donuts or and then tell them to stop at the other place to get the blueberry ones. Oh, I almost. Oh.

Dude, if I wasn't trying to be good, I thought about going to the two-y-eater places. How fucking crazy is that I live in the metropolitan New York area? And I don't even think of fucking donuts because they're fucking disgusting. Oh, they're gross. They're always dried. You got Dunkin' Donuts. They're mass-producery. They're made in a fucking factory behind an Amazon.

You know, behind an Amazon with some guy a boo delivering it. You know, no, no, no, no. And you know what? The coffee's not bad. I understand. Whatever. But dog, how can both of us two mid-sized chubby dudes miss the donuts in California? How the fuck is that possible?

Because Koreans know how to make dough. Koreans and Mexicans. The Koreans are pretty good, but that yum-yum donuts hasn't changed them. They push it over the top. The glaze with the charcoal on top? Yeah. You want to stab yourself when you eat one. That's how fucking good that chocolate is.

They have ones that you haven't even seen before. One of my favorite there is, like a cinnamon crunch. It's like just cinnamon and I don't even know what what it is on top. But I didn't. We literally, we drove there. I got two donuts and I just ate him. I drove to the store. It was dead.

There was nobody at the store like 2.30. Hollywood was dead. Yeah. Tuesday night. Thursday night. Thursday. I thought there'd be somebody. No.

Hollywood is dead. After all that shit, I mean, everywhere is dead after 2 o'clock. Yeah. Everywhere. My buddy works in the city. And he works downtown by the, courthouse. And he tells him, he goes, I look out and it's not what it used to be.

It's a bunch of homeless people, but it's not. I didn't even see that many of them walking around. You didn't see a lot of homeless people? No, there were a lot of RVs. I did miss that. But no, it was, there just wasn't much of anybody. But it was, San Diego was a blast. I got, San Diego is my city in California.

If I was ever going to move back, San Diego is the, the, the, it's like Philadelphia, to be honest. Philadelphia and New York is San Diego to LA for me It's just a smaller version Oh I did And I thought God I fucking just have you my brain

I did bring my passport to be like Maybe we'll go to Tijuana And then just not even Not even like nope I don't need to get fucking kidnapped You wouldn't even come and get me I'm not going to Mexico I'm saying Nick the politician down there

See how that works out for me shit Oh my God You know, Nick's playing a trumpet in Mexico. What would you do if I use my one phone call and I had the cartel kidnapped me? I called you. Let me talk to them. Maybe I could talk some sense. And to them to Lee, you got yourself in a bad predicament.

I told you not to go to fuck and not to get those Airbnbs, but you decided to go. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. It's a scary fucking world out there. I mean, this morning we all got up. and on a fucking Monday morning I get up I eat my coffee I feed the cat

I didn't even notice because I won't go on a fucking computer but as I was going upstairs about eight I go let me see what the fuck I was on Instagram and also the first thing I see is he's dead okay it said rest in peace right him alone so I don't know what was going on

I go fuck meathead's dead and the next thing you know my wife goes did you see about Rob Ryan? I go, yeah, he died. It's the shame. Yeah, he goes, the son killed him and his wife.

And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And that's when she started telling me. I'm like, that's wild. And I went to the gym to do like a leg warm up, like to stretch before I worked out with the dude. And CNN was on. And fuck, they always have sports on it.

And that's bad enough. Like those sports shows in the morning, death for, like, for two days, New Jersey 12 and, New Jersey and High Witness News told you about the storm that was coming. All day on Friday and Saturday, they talked to you about a fucking storm.

It's on the way. Everybody is with Hudson, Morris. And you're sitting there going, what the fuck am I watching here? And every 15 minutes, they come, snow was coming. Snow was coming. And then you get my wife, who was also a fucking retard.

And she's like, no, the snow starts at 10. Okay, everybody's a fucking psychic now. That's the best when they tell you snow's going to start about late 8 o'clock. And you're sitting when you hear that on principle, you're sitting by the window. You're just so pissed off. You're like this motherfucker. So the dude said 7. My wife said 10.

I go both of the years of fucking wrong. I get in the car to quarter of 7. I hit the 18 headed to New Brunswick. And it's snowing, but it's raining. It's like Puerto Rico. it's snowing, but it's raining. And then I'm trying to park the car and there's no snow.

When I get into the heart of New Brunswick, there's no snow. I'm driving around, looking for a part. I go, fuck this. I get back on the AP and it's like a fucking blizzard. At what time? For like three months, all of a sudden, that was it. That was it. When I got close to my home, that was it. And then, I think I looked out the window about 11, maybe, 11.30, and there was nothing.

And, dog, I got up to pee at 4 in the morning, and all hell had broken loose out there. Oh, yeah. Okay? And then I got back up like 6.30, and I went right out there and shoveled. You shoveled? Me, Mercy and Terry. Fuck yeah. I had the shovel.

Mercy had, Terry had the electric fucking snowblower. And Mercy had the fucking stairs with the sweeper and shit. because we just want to get it over with men and people die like if you're not in shape and you go out there you're fucking doing it because you have enough money to have a messaging guy What am I gonna do sit down watch my wife do it? No no have pay someone to have come over you have a driveway that's eight feet long

Just have it takes them three seconds with a truck Problem with America is everybody depends on the back No the problem is everybody depends on the Mexican and look what happened now they're taking them They need jobs now we're gonna get back to work and then I'm gonna be lazy from sitting in my household these years and then when they take all the Mexicans that want to shovel snow. I'm back out there when I'm 72

when I'm getting no Social Security. Yeah. Why fucking, it doesn't matter what you have and what you don't have. Jesus Christ. It takes 10 minutes and it's a family thing. I did it as a family thing. My wife was going to go out there and I go, Terry.

You can't go out there by yourself. So I went out and started the cars, cleaned off the cars. She got the, fucking electrical thing going. And then wherever she wasn't hitting, I was hitting with the fucking shovel. I cleaned off the stead of mercy came and brushed it off.

It was 30 minutes of our time. I didn't have a heart attack. All right. And it's a family thing. We took a picture at the end, like three fucking fans. I didn't post it up on Instagram because it's a family fucking thing. And it was beautiful. All right.

Well, that's a nice story. Now I feel like the asshole. No, because you're trying to build something. What's a family for? For me to fuck, dog. Look at these people. Look at the people we knew. I mean,

and you're not going to think about these people right now. But in time, I want you to think about this and call me tomorrow. Look at the people we knew six years ago. And now, they're completely different people. Yeah? They've forgotten who they are. They've forgotten who they are. So all of a sudden, I'm going to hire three Mexicans,

and I'm going to wait for them to come to my house, while they're snowing out or whatever the fuck it is. You know, I don't fucking know. Well, I see, I see what you're saying. Although, if we're me, like, I'm surprised you and Terry just didn't sit on the rocking chairs and have mercy to do the whole driveway by herself. It takes two fucking years. She don't know how to shovel, but she don't know how to shovel snow. You know, she doesn't fucking know how to shovel snow correctly and efficiently.

I did it for a living while I fucking cased houses, you know what I'm saying? I did it professionally for Joe coffee. You were casing, but you took it seriously. No, they teach you out of shovel correctly and it's in patches and you know when they go. And I had no gloves. Why? My wife's like they're upstairs. Like, oh, I got to take these boots off.

Go up three flights and then put them back on. It took me an hour just to put this fucking snow boot on. Took me an hour just to find them. They were behind the fucking luggage hidden back there. Oh, my God. They had dust on them and shit. I had to blow off the snow boots. And then they weed in them?

not there was nothing but you know I got high and I helped the show when it was fucking great that's nice fucking tremendous you know an hour later I went about there and the town got hit by a fucking break but my point was that when did it snow

Saturday night Saturday night it's Monday at 4 o'clock I'm leaving the house I put on channel 12 to see what's going on what's going on we're here we're we're showing snow

and it shows these people out there it's fucking Monday and four okay and they're still talking about what happened two days ago yeah they got eight inches most of the surrounding town my war they got four inches

I don't know what happened here oh I've lived here for 80 years and we haven't seen this much go inside have you ever seen I love there was a storm somewhere and the reporter was in a canoe or something, like doing a

report and then people just walked by. They were pretending they had to be in a canoe and then two guys just walked. They love creating drama dog. Out the fucking air. They even, we're out here and they got the hood on and he's shit and it's coming. No, it's not.

You should call your boss and tell them I'm not going out of the house that starts knowing. Give me two or three inches, but don't make me go out of time. Could you imagine going out in like an actual blizzard? like it's snowing a foot. That's what they pay you for. That's your fucking job.

Listen, the most dangerous fucking place when it snows is right over here. Where? Right over here in this fucking park called Hudson County Park. When that motherfucker snows,

I have done whirly wolf. I have done spinning things in that park. Whatever you call that with a fucking car. Oh, donuts. Donuts with that.

In that fucking park. Right before you hit Bergenlein by White Castle. Right. It started like 100 yards away. I was in my buddy, the politician. And he stepped on it and the car just started spinning with a body in the back. And the body's banging the sides. Wait, you did donuts in a hearse?

On purpose or by accident? In those days, there was a sheet of ice underneath. Oh, okay. I thought you were. Even the, you could have the best department of public works. and you still after midnight, that's a jungle out there. You're just asking for trouble, dog.

You're just asking for trouble out there. That is scary when that happens. You go down that edgewater road behind the fucking grinder. That's a problem when it snows. That's a problem. All that shit is a fucking problem. That wind comes off that Hudson, my friend. It freezes everything.

Listen, all you got to do is grab the motherfucker and knock them out, put some snow on them and put them on a park bench by Hudson County. They won't see nothing in the morning. he'll be like that dude in Fargo They'll just leave him up there With all the snow on him and shit That's what happened to that cop in Massachusetts A couple years ago

Dog, it's not It's you don't want to fuck around a beer That's not Don't want to fuck around a pier That wind comes off that fucking Hudson Jack And you get on that fucking thing Walking your little dog That's how they'll find you

You and the dog frozen With little white stuff on his face I know you like being here in Jersey Do you miss California a little bit when that happens No I was ready for this Okay. And I was in Boulder. I was in my ex-wife.

We were somewhere. A woman was talking. And I never heard this before until I moved back yet. I didn't know. I didn't hear this. I didn't feel this way. And this woman was talking. Nice lady, pretty.

And she was saying that. She had boyfriends. But for years, she didn't want to have sex. She goes, I was a virgin. till I was 27. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, this girl gave a lot of blowjaws, but she, you know, she was,

she was talking, yeah, because you're 27, they even have men talking to you? Because it's like damaged goods. Anybody fuck this, Brad? No, okay, you know. Why are we talking? Why are we talking? But, and she said something that,

that made a lot of sense, not when I was a fucking idiot, but she said that, And sincerely, not like a fucking idiot freak or a whore. She goes, I was 27, and I wanted to hold out until I was 30 and get married. And I go, what happened? And she goes, my body asked for it. And she goes, I dated the guy for a month, slept with him twice, and we broke up, and I didn't care.

I didn't feel bad about it because my body needed that. That's the same way I feel. when I talk about moving back here, it was time. Like I had been away from my... Are you saying that she needed Dick and you needed New Jersey? No, she said she didn't need Dick. She didn't put it that way. That was the beauty of the conversation.

She wasn't nasty about it. Okay. She said her body started yearning for it. And her body made it happen organically. It wasn't that, you know, and it was... Now that I get here, it's so weird because I thought I was going to do so many things when I got here. And I ended up not doing anything.

I remember telling you various times, Lee, in two weeks I'll be eating pizza like a motherfucker. That's not the case. I thought I'd be at Rudy's every other night jumping up and down. That's not the case. Right. I thought I was going to come here and just fucking take over New Jersey as a comic. Didn't have it in me.

Just didn't have all these plans I had on that plane were like, Once I got here, I saw what time it was. And I'm like, oh, shit. I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain. Right. It happens. I only came here once a year for the last 30 years. In 30 years, I was here seven.

27 years, I would only come once a year after. Right. I didn't really know what was going on. And for like two, three days. It's like, I got a ghost of prison and comes out of prison. And also, he's like, what's a cell phone? Right. Exactly.

You know, exactly. So I came back here. Listen, man. Every Monday I come up here. Now, again, every Monday, I can have my doubts. I have my doubts about a lot of things. I don't know if I want to do it. And I'm sure the first four times I had to come up here on a Monday had doubts.

Like, why am I going up there? Fuck that shit. I could do it from here. My body needs this on Mondays. Can't do it twice a week. Right. Cann't do it twice a week. Because then, but if I do it once a week and I enjoy the drive, I enjoy the traffic, I enjoy the radio, I enjoy the scenery, even though I'm looking at, you know, I'm looking at Pat LaFrieta, meat and all this shit on Tunley Avenue.

My body needs that. Got it. My mind needs that. It's a way of healing or whatever the fuck. I don't even know if I should be saying those words. No, I know what you're saying because I feel I'm a lot happier in New York than I was in L.A. I feel like if the city fits me better, personally, but I will say being bad,

when I was there, and this is the first time I've been, I was back for a couple days, like three or four years ago, but this is really the first time I was back. And I, I did miss it. Like I missed,

I saw a couple people. I saw just being back at the comedy store in La Hoya was great. Just in California as a whole, I can, people should talk shit about. California. And I don't, I'm not political at all. But just as a place to be the people,

the Mexican food, I had a great, like I had a great time. It is a there's a lot of fucked up shit that happens there and they got to put up with like there's no. If I flush my, my toilet in my house, you can hear it all around because they stuff

like four houses on one lot. Like you're packed in like sardines. Yeah. Anywhere in LA. Like it's just how close your houses to one of Anyway. And Airbnb, a few blocks from the store. But the gas is like $450, $5 a gallon. There's a lot of shitty stuff, but I missed California.

Listen, man. I missed California for what it was. You're not seeing it how I see it. Like, if I went to California, like, we discussed me doing the Netflix festival. Then we said, why do the Netflix festival when we could do it on our own? You know, and I got to be honest with you. It's like I told my wife. I go, we're going to take this little trip in a few weeks.

And then the next thing I want to do, this is pretty interesting. I go, I want to go to Boulder. And I want to go to Aspen. And I started thinking about it. And because I said it in my office, it keeps popping up on Facebook. Discover Boulder. Boulder at Christmas, you know. And I looked at the other end of then.

I go, you know what, I think we're going to put a damper on Bowling. She goes, why go? I want to go to, listen, I would kick ass if I did the Boulder Theater. Yeah. It's a no-brainer that would sell out. I'd have a good time. My old friends would show up. The cops that arrested me would show up.

I'm the judge. But at the same time, Doug, something's never wanted me to go back to Boulder. There's like an inner energy that says, you know what? been there, done that, why would I go add insult to injury? You know what I'm saying? Like, that was a memory. That was, you gotta remember,

I left Boulder 30 fucking years ago. George, that's crazy. How long were you there? From 83 to 95. Damn, yeah. And I left at 95 and never went back, unless to do comedy. I went back twice for other business.

But that was it. Like, I never had used to coming back before you say something. Okay. California, come on, man. I would love to go back to California. And now I know where to stay, get some yum, yum donuts. I definitely get some sushi. Oh, yeah.

But if I tell you something, guys, you're not going to believe this. I don't want to walk into the store. I can see that. I don't want to walk into the improv. Yeah. I don't want to walk into the fast. Laugh factory. No.

because I've been chasing ghosts all my life, okay? And let me tell you something. And a wise man told me this. You can't go back. You can't go back. You're just going to shoot yourself in the leg. You cannot go back. I did my time in there.

I did 22 years at a place where when I started, I thought I'd never even walk on the sidewalk in front of it. I became part of that fucking building. For 22 years, I walked out of there I walked in there. I walked in there, a half a criminal, I walked in there, a half a criminal kid that was lost, and I walked out of there, a top-notch comedian.

And a gentleman and a wife and a child, why would I go back in there now to be that guy? I don't ever want to be that guy. Hey, man, when I was here, we were blowing out this guy. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. And I don't want to be that guy, because I was there when guys,

my age were going in there humiliating us young guys. Just because they're evil. They want to make everything fucking better in their mind. Oh, this place is great, but it was so much better. Shut the fuck up. Right. Let it be theirs now.

So before I go in there and start talking that nonsense, who know? It's in my mind. It made me a man. It was a hell of a fucking ride. It was a hell of an education. I should go to therapy. I should go to therapy because I thought it was so far from me

and then I became it. Do you follow me? So at one time you're like, you know, I'm just going to play football. And all of a sudden, you're like, my dream would be to play for Dallas. And all of a sudden, you're on fucking Dallas and you're starting.

You're on Dallas and you're third team. But they put you in for some stupid, you know, what's that shit called? Special teams? Special teams. And you tackle the guy, intercept a, fumble and scored touchdown. Now he moved to the second team.

And all of a sudden, one day again, you go in there, bam, and all of a sudden they move you to the first team, and now there you are. And that's how you walk out of there, and you win a Super Bowl. You're going to start talking shit, they're going to trade you to the Niners. Okay? And then eventually you're going to want to go back to the Dallas

in your career. You could have ended it right there. Well, like a fucking man, and walked out with your chest up. But you wanted to play fucking stupid games. So we'll see what happens. And I'm not telling you to do it, but to play devil's advocate in football,

Philip Rivers came back this week. Five years later, he's not going to be... He's not going to be MVP, but... I understand. But what's going to happen next week? Next week they're going to pick him up and launch him on his fucking head.

And he's 44 years old. He's going to walk off the thing. Like fucking, you know, I'm just saying. You can't go back. But you're also not trying to, like, move back. In my head, when you were saying that, I was like, yeah, but yeah, I understand. You don't want to be the douchebag, like, making all the guys feel bad and bumping them in the OR.

But like, I would never bump any. I know. But like, would you, you wouldn't want to do like a night in the main room or even in the belly room. Just not, just say no to everything. You know why? Because I know me. And I know at the end I'm going to be disappointed. Okay.

Because it's not what I was used to. And I don't even want to say that. Right. It's not what I was used to. So it was a different feeling. You know, I listened to all this whole music, you know, on the drive. I don't know how to kill. I listen to some shit on Ozzy's Boneyard or fucking one of those Black Channel.

A tiki, teaky, tee. The guy with the fucking little green thing in the top. That's not music. That's stripper music. I try to listen to everything. But I listen to the music I grew up. And you're sitting there going, you know, all these bands. Motley Crew this year.

I ain't talking shit about Molly Crew. But this year they're going on a tour with Vixen and some other band that I like. I like them even more than Motley Crew. And they're going out on an album tour, like one of those albums that they put out that were dynamite. They're going to tour that album. And their attitude is we're going to bring that back. No, you can't. No, you can't.

No, you can't. That was a certain time. You were in a certain place. I just saw an interview. I don't know if you were on it, somebody was on it. And let's speak fucking frankly. Let's speak frankly.

I'm going to give you an example that everybody could fucking live with. Carter McGregor. Connor McGregor came up and was knocking people out within minutes. Also, they gave $100 million on what happens. Before the powder, you give somebody $100 million

and what happens. They get the next thing. to cut the lawn. They get somebody to pull the sheep back for them so they could go into bed at night and make sure the sandals are right there, not over there, but there, and they're Gucci. I want to get up and pigeons fly out of a funny thing. That's a long ride away from me waking up, sleeping on this couch with blankets, opening up that thing and there's fucking water, no juice.

And I got to go fucking work for the M, what is that, MUA, outside fucking digging. and on Kennedy Boulevard. Right. And I got to walk up this hill, that hill with no fucking breakfast in my stomach. The different feeling. Uh-huh. You know, and somebody was saying this.

It's the same thing for fucking comics. Sure. I don't understand why people cannot, you know, I'll hear, oh, we went to see this guy and it wasn't really that good. Come here. The guy left that show with $82 million, okay?

He's doing this because his wife's not sucking his dick. And fuck him, he's sick of going to the... gym. Okay. That's why he's going out. What did you expect for him to come back better and that? That's not anymore because we accept mediocrity now. You know, Netflix puts out these specials once a year. We've discussed it a thousand times. You cannot develop as a comic in a year and a half. It takes two years just to put it together really and really you're going to see that if you shoot it as soon as you get in your car that night, you're going to go, fuck. This cost and all this material comes out.

Ba, bah, bah, that's brilliant. Oh, you almost crashing. You're almost passing out from the fucking laughter. Right. You know, and that's the problem you have. That, you know, we're not hungry no more. So why would

you pay 300 dollars to see this guy? This guy has a personal chef cooking from now. Right. I get that, but so to take it back to you, like I think, I know, I know you don't have like the the two three sets of night kind of energy anymore but you still take comedy seriously like if you if you were going to go back to l.A what would you how would you go back to l.A.

the way you want to do it i would just do three theaters LA San Francisco San Diego move on yeah get a good meal at dan tannis original joes get a nice steak at dan tanis goes original joes and get a bunch of fucking burritos in San Diego. That's it. It'd be, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah. Boom, boom, boom.

And then fucking right after San Francisco, six hours. Oh, you know what? I had never had when I was in L.A. And you talked about it and I should have gotten it before. I had my first bean and cheese burrito this weekend. That shit with a little bit of sauce on top, a little bit of the red onion.

Oh, my God. A bit of cactus. Remember I used to get one every night. Yeah. Yeah. Every night. That cactus, yeah. Every night.

I stopped them at a U-turn. They closed at midnight or 11. Midnight. I had their clock to a tea. And I would pop in there because a bean and cheese burrito kills everything. With the green sauce in the middle. Hmm.

And they had, again, none of you motherfuckers will see me eat this. But I ate it there. They had a fucking, a bowl. Their bowls will, fucking real. Oh, like a salad bowl thing. Yellow rice,

pinto beans, a bunch of salad, tomatoes. I wouldn't even put meat in it. A little bit of cheese and a hot sauce. Nothing but fucking protein. I would make them give me

three things of those beans, three fucking inches of those beans with rice and then put a slop of regular refried beans to give you some fucking fat like a and then some avocado on that bitch. Oh, nice. Stop it.

Stop it. Oh. I they had that a bunch they had those hot dog carts in San Diego that were great but I do I want to get your opinion on this because I I've never had this happen and I almost I almost got into kind of a fight because we were walking down that like gas lamp area of San Diego not good dude dude did this guy had his dick out not good this dude was stumbling he was the drunkest I've ever seen anybody his pants were just open he had his hand on his dick and he was like stumbling to the car but like Anisha was right there and I just looked at him and all I could say was dude put that away and like he even that I got

as soon as I said it was like fuck should I not have said anything is he gonna punch me because he's hammered and he was so hammered that he kind of just looked at me and like we just left but I've never seen anybody

with their dick out oh they just killed somebody down there really? Yeah like two weeks ago three weeks ago in San Diego yeah dog it's bad all over oh

it's bad all over Like it's all, listen, you know, like I said, I went to fucking agenda this morning. I was on a great mood. I was still in a great mood. But I'm watching the T. I'm on the bike and I'm fucking doing that. I'm stoned to the gills and I'm making believe I'm watching the TV. So nobody says a word to me.

Because they'll come over. Old people come over. Hey, how you been? You're like, how old is your daughter now? She's still playing soft. I'm playing the Maracas. Now, okay, get away from me. I'm fucking dying to breathe here, you know.

Oh, my God. So I'm seeing that three, like I said, they had Jew, what happened in Australia, the Hanukkah thing, they had the thing up in Brown University, but they can't find a shooter, and they had the rider. Whatever on them.

I'm looking at this, I'm like, it's a week before Christmas, officially. It's a 15th of day. Happy birthday, George. It's the 15th. today and we're a week away from Christmas and this is what you want to wake up to on a fucking Monday. No?

But yeah, you don't know them, Joey. Listen, I don't need to know. There's a thing called empathy. And there's people that have to bury people next week. And they'll think of Christmas. It's like a fucking, it's like voodoo for them. You have somebody pass away around that. You have somebody pass away.

It's rough. But you have somebody pass away. and when they pass away on the holidays, you want to wake up on the first. Right. You want to go to bed on the 15th and wake up on the first. Trust me.

You don't want to feel the pain of losing them and you don't want to feel fucking you ate Christmas. Fuck Santa. Right. You know. Fuck all of it.

Dude, what about, and he didn't, I don't know if he deserves our sympathy, but I just, I can't imagine what happened to that Michigan coach. That 24 hours that guy had, But, like, can you imagine what his family was,

to blow up your life that badly in 24 hours? Chris Cornell used to be married to a girl named Sue Silver. Okay. Sue Silver was a little petite Jewish girl. Very cute. She actually managed Soundgarden, Alice in Chains. She was big time. But it was all connected to her dad.

And her dad was a big time manager in L.A. In fact, he managed Jeff Garcia for a while and got him a big time deal when he was 16. Oh, damn. So God rest his soul. So he was also working on Marilyn Martinez. Okay. So Maryland wanted to introduce him to me one night. And he started coming down to the store every night.

And I'm telling you the story because it leads to your story. Okay. And a Spanish comedian come in. Guy had a beef with no reason to bring up his name. came in with another guy, a producer guy, and they had a convertible. And the convertible was down at night. Uh-oh.

You know? And they were listening to some type of music. And Mr. Silver looked over at me, he goes, look at him. Acting like Negroes. And that's exactly what happened to that coach. I mean, he got broken in, domestic violence with a chick. because so we got fired for having a relationship with this college girl and then broke into a place with like a knife or something or the same chick

yeah and he yeah he was going to kill himself and then her or something he was the same girl oh that guy's got to go home his luggage in front of the house he's in jail jail really listen the guy's getting six million a year or something it was like it was like 40 million dollars or something yeah had a contract cut him. They got to give him something. No, no, no. Because he fucked up. He got fired for cause. If he didn't, if he didn't fuck that girl.

Yeah, he's got some money put away. After she thinks about the wife, because they had the baby, they're under the ether. Love. Okay. Meanwhile, while you're pregnant, he's fucking the assistant and trying to break into us. Yeah. College. Yeah. Is she really pregnant? Oh, my God. He doubled her salary. That was what I saw.

Oh, my God. That guy kicked the fucking. Kissed that, oh my God. That poor, but you're not that poor best. No, no. I didn't. That poor bastard. Can you imagine he woke up one day he was the coach of Michigan. The next day he was in jail, getting fired for fucking his assistant.

And then he said he was going to kill himself, but he didn't take her first or something. Yeah. Oh, my God. I can't even like, I've had a bad day. But that's. But I was thinking about this originally because I was going to, I, it seems like, I don't know, does it seem like every, like once a year as an adult you go through like something that you never thought you'd go through like just bad stuff? It's not like the worst thing.

You're not, your life's not over. But just something like just something happens that you never thought would happen or like you just like everything. You're like, okay, this year's been going pretty good. And then like a few weeks before like just. Like, you're like, I have to deal with this shit. Like, being, sometimes being a fucking person sucks. Like, just some bullshit happens. And you lose your mind and you get arrested.

But it's, I can't, I can't imagine having that bad of a day. You know, I was living with George. I woke up one day. I went to the dentist. And for some reason, I had this dumb idea. I was going to take this kid's Coke. And it was going to be hunky dory. I was just going to take it.

on a plane, land in Newark, and go right to Tom and Korkies and start jumping up and down. That was the thing. And Dog, while I was hatching the plan, I was like, this is a bad fucking idea. Oh, no. But it was too late. I was already in, you know. You already spent the money in your head? You're 25, 24 I was.

You don't really know, you know. And you take the mistake. I did my time I came on. I became a better person. It didn't happen overnight. Right. me 10 years. I had my fucking struggles still. You know, old habits

die hard. You know what I'm saying? And there was the Coke and the fucking problem with my ex-wife. There was just a lot of problems. And then you start recognizing when you're going down that way. You just start saying it, man. You know, I remember

you know, one minute you're fucking snorting fucking coke on a Monday and Saturday and the next minute you're snorting four nights a week. You don't even realize to you look at your bank account, you missed work the last three weeks. You don't even know, guys, we fall into something.

And what that is could be anything. You know, you bump into a girl, one of these hot chicks that are fucking, you know, twerking and showing you their ass at a club. And, you know, you're married, or you've been with the same woman for three years. And you love her, and you've got dogs now, and you've got a cat named Choochoochoo,

and everything's hunky-dory, and you're going to her mother's house for Christmas, But dog, you know this girl. It's going to rock your world. It's going to put that pushy in your face and shake it. The pubic hair is going to go into your nose. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, and we don't catch ourselves.

And then you're leaving there and the bitch got you on a fucking tracker. Because they all could track you now, right on the phone. Yeah. Guys, we're living in a different world. And you have to see where you're getting yourself or anything going, what am I fucking doing here? But, you know, you go, well, I got a beat already. I got all my problems beat.

I was doing fine. I was doing fucking fine. And then I started eating edibles. And I thought my heart was going to fucking blow up half the time. You know, we were eating big time. The other night, I ate 2,000 milligrams. Damn. Are those in the clouds?

Guys, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Like, it's just that first level when you hit those heights, it's too much for a motherfucker. So I didn't know. I went to the doctor and he's like, dog, I gave you these bills. You got to start taking him. I go, what pills? He goes, every month, I send you 90 fucking Xanaxers.

They're 1.5. So I'm eating them one at two a day, three a day. Next thing, I'm up to 16 of them. Next you know, I'm buying them a hundred a bag for $800. You know, guys, how does it slip up on you at not 40, not 30, but 55, 56, 57? guys you don't recognize the traps all our lives have fucking traps and every time we go towards that trap

it's going to be the same result and you know I don't even know how to say this without signing like a fucking idiot but I'll lay it on you we have traps in life when we're regular people think about when somebody thinks they know you think about when somebody really

things they know you, a podcast or something like that, guys. They're going to lay fucking shit on you every fucking other week. You're going to bump into something. And, you know, that's interesting. That's some interesting shit. I can have a good time with that freak. But then in the process, you're like, I'm going to lose everything. I'll lose everything, but most importantly, I can get that shit back.

I'm going to lose credibility. And I can't through the podcast no more. I can't be on stage no more because you have no credibility. Yeah, people still watch you because they have no soul. But anybody who knows human, you lose credibility. Not the money, not the car. That's all bullshit. You could always get that back.

It's your word, your credibility. You've been on a podcast for 12 years, Joey. And meanwhile, you snort Coke on Fridays and Saturdays. How fucking dare you, man? How fucking dare you? At least that's how I would look at it. Right. If you've been talking about being sober for all these years.

Yeah. You guys know what I do. I eat my fucking mushrooms. And I don't even like those anymore. They taste like ass. The ones I ate the other night didn't do anything for me. I got yelled at. I got yelled at for years saying that.

But I still ate them with a shrimp parmesan sandwich. You never gave me a shrimp parmesan sandwich. No, because you want to eat them with honey because somebody told me it's a good idea. Got to eat them with food. And the best food they eat fucking mushrooms with. Pizza Durton soup

Wontan soup of the steakhouse today ladies and gentlemen because the waiter told me they got a sushi ball and how do wantons come in with the sushi bar wantons are from China

this is a sushi bar a couple weeks ago he comes in with a menu of a Jap Chinese place that sells chicken salad sandwiches listen you're in no danger he got my man

I'm telling you it's good listen you're in no danger You got to pick a flag in my world. So as soon as you go to a steakhouse, everything's in the steak vein. Lobster Bisc, bread, oh, French onion. Oh, a fucking Caesar salad, not a wrap. Oh, a fucking wedge. Ooh, a 12-ounce steak.

Ooh, a tiramisu. A fucking another cup of coffee. But no, you had to listen to the waiter. Yeah, I'll have the wonton soup. Yeah, it sounds yummy. And I don't mind. you're 10? Like even if my daughter makes one of those decisions, I'm like, I got to talk to him.

We get home. But when you're his age, I can't. I can't. And you grew up in this area? I can't. I can't. I can't even put my fucking head around. Why would you tell him you got wanton soup at a steak place?

Because that's his world. You can't tell him that stuff. And then he tells one of your things. He blames it on the waiter. Well, the waiter said it was good. Some skinny kid. Yeah. That shoots fucking peptides, the lift weights, you know.

Why are you bothering me fucking for, you know? Let's go to a break. I'll be right back. We got to talk to you about a couple things. Yeah. Hey, what's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, for a good workout, you need to train smarter, not longer.

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and a better way to unwind. Enjoy responsibly. And thanks for In the Cloud for sponsoring the church. Love you guys. We're back, Paul Smokers. So, yeah, this is it. I hate this time of the year already. Like, I like the holidays, but I hate that we're at the 15th already.

People's mind is already starting to slip. Who's bringing the eggnog? Who's cooking? Why does that upset you? Like, I understand if it's someone you're paying. Because I want everybody to work straight to the 24th at midnight. What time the Santa come? The 24th at midnight.

What are you talking about? What do you need to do? Everything comes on Amazon now. Right. You don't even have to go to the fucking store. No. I just, I don't know, guys. When it comes to shit like this, I'm a commie.

Like, I want everybody to fucking work till the 23rd whipping it. This is it. The year ends. What do you think happens after the 20 fucking six? Nothing. That's why I'm getting married. Unless you have a restaurant or you're a theater owner or something, nothing happens.

People come in with fucking returns. You know. And then you've got to start again on the fucking first all over, back to your fucking grind again. Yeah. And this is just, and then a guy like me has to wait. Well, I haven't had an audition in three months,

so I don't give a fuck anymore. The phone doesn't even ring, okay? And I got to be honest with you, I'm pretty fucking happy. Because the last five or six jobs have been, been jobs and I'm like, I don't want this, you know. I had Tulsa King. I had some other independent pilot on Netflix. I never heard back from that I was interested in.

But besides that, it's like, fuck, I don't want this. And I have an agent that's a sweetheart, a sweetheart of a man. I've been with him for 25 years. He was with me at Daniel Hoff. He's my agent in New York. And he always sends me these. college auditions and shit and I'm like

but they're always a twist so I always get out of it he has to speak Russian I don't speak Russian I don't speak Russian okay it's not gonna happen overnight I'm not gonna fucking I'd like to see you try to speak Russian

no it's not listen it's not gonna work not at this age I can't do impersonations I can't pull rabbits out of hats this is it that's your acting movement That's it. That's all I got. But listen, guys, I used to fucking, right now, 10 years ago, I'd be pissed.

If this was going on in my life 10 years ago, oh, I'm calling my agents every day because the year ends on Wednesday. Yeah, you're not wrong. That's it. The agencies close on Wednesday. nobody's taking calls, nobody's doing nothing. But let me tell you something. One of the most money I haven't made on a commercial, wasn't the most.

But surprisingly, for what it was, it paid me a lot. It was a demo. It wasn't really a commercial. It was a commercial for the NFL network. You know what time we shot that motherfucker? We shot that December 24th at 6 a.m. And they were shooting five more that day.

Damn. And you get three, four hours on one of those on Christmas Eve, dog. We can buy a presence now No, because you're not getting the money To fucking St. Sebastian Day I don't have a credit card then I don't wait I'm trying to work the guy Listen, he can't get an advance

You know, we have to call J.C. Penny Forget it, they're never going to give you the money But you know guys like I always did something in December You don't know what it's like I mean people talk about You know, listen, here's the truth that matter is As adults, always remember this

I don't care whether it's Bruce Springsteen, Nikki Porkchops, George, we're all at zero on the first of every month. We're all the same. How you tackle that month is up to fucking you. You could say to me, well, Joey, I got two grand in my checking account. I'm good.

I don't have to sell shit to the 20th, but you know on the 20th, for those last 10 days, you've got to roll up your fucking sleeves and dig in that, you know? and that's what I miss that. Like now we have stand-up. Again, I love doing stand-up. During the week, you got to write,

you got to talk to people, and I'm thinking about this show in Atlantic City next year. I have to make it a production. I just don't want to throw three people up there and call the comedy show. You know, so I'm thinking about all that stuff, and that keeps me busy,

but it's not like I used to have a whole three-hour of my day that was dedicated just to acting for 10 years. It was just dedicated to acting. I'd read movies and pre-production, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Figure out the director, call the agency that I wasn't even with, get a screen,

a script to that thing, look through it, assume that this character is my age, and I would just send the tape it. Because I couldn't wait for the fucking agent. Wow. Yeah. So when you have that type of shit and then you take it out of somebody's life,

it sucks. So, I mean, and we talked, I think maybe it was last week. We talked about it, but like, have you thought about starting? It's not even to make money, but just started something new. Like, you've already written a book, but it sounds like you're talking about, like, you like or miss the excitement of, like, being new at something and not being great at it and, like, figuring it out.

Look, what do you want me to do? You an attorney? Sure. No, an attorney. You know, anything I do right now, then that will take me serious. People are going to look at me at the time. minutes and go, aren't you? And whatever I was doing,

Austin turned into a picture. And the time I was in Joe Rogan and fucking, when I fucking ate the aunt. In some, in some things, but I, I didn't even hide as an attorney. Huh? You could be an attorney, I feel like. But after 10 minutes, people are going to go,

you know, come on, Joey. Come on. Can you imagine me at Costco greeting people? Who was that guy? What was the Italian guy who was like a heartthrob? But then he went to be a teacher? they did an a show about it he was only one of those 80s

sitcoms and then he was a teet a shack is a cop you could do something it sounds like you just want to what is shack the fucking cop he's a once every month he goes for a day or two he goes he wears the uniform he does his stuff

I don't know I just like that's what it sounds like to me is that you like you miss the struggle listen I'm laying scores for a living once a month I'm making money all right break into one cops to chase me and turn around he's like hey man I'm shack

I'm shooting them you know I'm gonna fucking oh I'm gonna stop because it's shack it's like the rock hey it's the rock you have to stop fuck you I'll shoot you in a kneecap no more fucking black Adam or black

eat them whatever to fuck you oh that looked terrible but they'd kill you in jail if you shot shack it doesn't matter my point is that nobody takes you seriously as anything else. Who wants to be taking serious? You're a comic.

Why do you want to do it for a laugh? Your only job I could take. Okay. That I would consider. All right. Is a host of the casino. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

Welcome to fucking Casa Marenga. I have your host, Joey Diaz, the hostess with the moustice. Okay. If you need chips over there. If you need the bathroom over there.

And then I got to work them for tips. That's my, I love that shit. And then it's good. Let me take a picture. Yeah, well, it's light. You know what I'm saying? My palm is empty. You know what I'm saying?

You know, you can work with it. That's the only guy. You just keep looking at your hand. If you, I thought about becoming a matri-D. What happens when you come in and say, you have the border lay 1640? And I'm like, guys, just get a fucking Heineken. Lock it off.

Your wife wants some martini. So you can fuck her in the muffler. later. You still want to be in, you know, Johnny Gumbah and get a vine bottle of a layer, 400 of a bottle. Knock it off. Give her a martini. Let me show her friend.

She's drinking a fucking martini because the bottle's wrapped in a fucking thing. The martini's a lot better knowing you eat. You know what I'm saying? It's just so. Just something you enjoy with it because I get it. I enjoy food. Right. I enjoy food.

Like if they call me on and go, what are you suggesting? Well, I'm going to be honest with you. How's the wonton soup? And you know me? I'm like the wonton soup. It's a half a Chinese guy. You don't even know Becky so fucking. You know, but only George would do that.

I would stay the fuck away from that. You should have, like, you and George should be like a combo matri-D, so George can give you the recommendation. Then you go over, like, whack him in the head. Fucking kidding me? The people won't eat for four hours. Then Nicky and they broke away. They're not married to the family no more.

They moved to Staten Island. And when they were stat line, they opened up another place. And that guy went with his wife. And the people I sit there, okay. I'm hungry. Well, hungry. But George, don't give a fuck. Showing them the batteries from Dollar Tree.

You know, the whole fucking thing. Oh, you know what you could do? There's a guy online. He calls himself like John Brakes Bad News. And they just, some people pay him just to like call someone. It would be like, yeah, your sister is pregnant with my, like, with Joe's kids. kid, you could just let torture people for, like, have someone send

you 20 bucks and be like, all right, call my boss, he hates fucking Chinese people. And you could call me like order Chinese food, just whatever you do. Just torture people from your home office. That might be a good one. If I do that shit, it can never be for money. It has to be for me.

When I torture people, it's not right. You're a purest? I would not torture. The way I torture you, I would torture you. I would torture you for me. It's for me to see your reactions. And I, dog, I take, dog, trust me what I'm telling you. I could torture you by not saying a word.

Trust me, I know you can. Certain movements, certain things. Just a look. That's all I need from. I don't even need to see you. Oh. I communicate to you with the weirdest fucking things. Oh, you're like Denzel in the equalized or you would just take it on if it was like important

to you. Like, what do you mean? Like Denzel, he, like, he, that girl, he just, like, he just takes on these, that whole movie. He, like, took over to find this guy's pension because he was a, he was a nice guy that he met as a lift driver. He went over and killed 800 people in Italy because of it. And that, it was, I could see that. And people could send in, like, their submissions. Like, this guy's been fucking with me for 20.

And, like, really just get to, like, get to your heart. And then you decide to fuck with him. There's people that I want to fuck with. but I knew I would break them because how I had to fuck with them would be so intense and no, no, no, no, no, this isn't about bringing them down. This is about you being at work

and me breaking into your house with somebody and putting a bug in your wall that just goes, ha, ha, ha! That's it. It starts at eight and it stops at one, but not loud, very subtle. So you think there's somebody laughing outside your wish.

window and shit like this. You do that to somebody every night. And then you figure out a way for them to invite you over. You go, come here for a second. Do you hear that? You're like, nothing. No. I didn't want you told me you wanted to break it and still like someone's like left shoe?

No, I did it to a friend of, I did it to the cab driver that one that sits up there. We're going to walk into a club one night who was changing in the parking lot. And I saw his white shoe. They just irritated me. He had like fucking these white fag shoes on. a friend of ours that we had quailudes the whole thing like four North Bergen guys were kids and I remember I told him when he went inside

I go dog don't bring those shoes and he came back like ha ha ha I do what I want okay when we got to the location he was fucking around I saw the boat shoes in the trunk I took one and threw it in the garbage and just and he's like where's my shoe I can't even go in the club I don't want to you have to wait out here now okay

for years and for years he tore that car apart looking for that one fucking shoe when I was doing the cases up in the snowmast if I didn't like you I would break into your house just to take a snow boot you know those snow boots that you get the expensive one

you take one snow boot from somebody see what happened and then check on them how you doing what's going on man I lost my snow boot I saw one down the road You know, there's so many things you could do to people and have such a good time on your own without nobody knowing. And I could do it to somebody for a while and keep the straight face and ask them how to come about. And they're telling you, you got to hold it. All that shit.

You got to hold it to yourself. How do you pick a new target? Do you have to like the person to want to torture them? Or does someone piss you off in a day? You're like, ooh, this is a new guy. No, I have to love you. But at the same time, I cannot believe you so stupid. You're going to let this happen to you.

So I got to torture you. You're going to let it happen. Because I do it for you out of love. Like, I tell you, I was going to have a major league problem. My daughter. Oh. She has no idea that I'm going to fucking manipulate her just through pictures,

signs, sounds, you know what I'm saying? Like, when is it going to start? Like at 16? It started already. I say shit to her already. Like, you hear that? You know, stuff like that? You know, you got to mess with them a little bit to keep them on.

She has no idea. I can't wait until she really starts dating. Like my wife. My wife falls asleep in the middle of the night. I get up to pee. I get up to pee at 3 in the morning, pee, look at the cat in the bathroom. And I go back to bed. And right before I'm about to put my sleep back in the mask,

I look at my wife and she's laying like this, it could be 3.30 in the morning. I just go, I just pedophane. This has been going on for 25 fucking years. She doesn't react to her. She just goes... Yeah, I'll wake her up. What are you doing?

You just wipe down her face. I just do it. And I make that noise. That's what kills it. You do that to somebody every night at three in the morning when you go out. Just those little things they weigh on you, but you don't even know how, look, I could throw water at you or I could tie you up and just drop. What's that Chinese water torture?

Yeah, just one drop on the same spot. One drop in the same spot. That is you. You're the Chinese water torture as a person. Oh, my God. That is so funny. Do you wake up on purpose? Do you even go pee or do you just wake up to do that to your wife?

If I go pee and I remember, I'll come back to bed, look at it and go, let me pet her. And I'll give her. So I started doing it to my daughter now. she's not sleeping. She's awake, but when I hug her, I go, she'll go, dad, don't do that again. Next time I hug her, she'd do it again. So it's just, it's just a constant reminder

that I'm fucking there, okay? Oh, my God. The worst thing anyone can do, oh, go ahead. I had a dear, dear friend. Okay. When I was growing up, still talked, but not a lot. He's out of his mind.

Love him, love him. You might have tortured him, do it. We used to hang out a lot, a lot. Not a lot. And we would go to this bar like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays for about a year. It wasn't a hot bar, it was an old people bar. It was on Kennedy Boulevard. And we would go there to do Coke because there wasn't a lot of people there.

And you'd get away with shit in there. And for years, I would go in there. And there was an old woman that sat there. Every night, she was like a relic from the neighborhood. And if I went in there, I would give that. seat in the middle, but I would sit next to her because I had a friend that would walk in and fall from my trap. And he'd sit in that fucking chair.

Okay? And I give him a beer. I give him a line of coat. And then I sit there all night and go, nah, that's all I would do. I put my mouth, so he was sitting here. And I put my hand here and I go, nah. And I do that. That same wordy.

Yeah, that's it. I don't even know what that means. Yeah, that's all I would do. And he would sit there after a minute and go, this lady won't stop saying, Zena, whatever the fuck. And that's what you know it's working? And every fucking night, every time I sit next to her.

And for years, Zena, Zanya. And he would sit there like, why should keep saying that? I don't know why it sounds like the old lady. I worked for, I had of Rudy Moreno as my brother, God rest of soul. He died after COVID and stuff. Rudy gave me a lot of comedy work, and I loved Rudy. But Rudy knew that from the minute I walked in, because I used to tell him, Rudy, don't fuck me.

I got a spot at the store at 10.30. So sometimes I torture people because they fuck with me first. That's fair. You'll call me and go, Joe, I got a spot for you. What time is the spot? Quarter to 10, you're sure. Because I got a spot at 1030. So I got to be off that stage at 10, dog.

And I got to be on the fucking 101, then to the five, to make it back to Hollywood. So don't tell me, and I get down there, and also I'm going up at fucking nine. Now I'm missing the $15, and this motherfucker's giving me a check. You know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck?

Right. So I said, this motherfucker wants to fuck of me. So I would get down there at 8. If you get there at 8, then I'll put you up early. Another time I get there at 8, motherfucker puts me up at 9. I go, that's it with this point. bitch. So I started showing up early. He'd be with Georgia

City. That's the stage in front of me right to camera and I'd be looking at the stage and every three minutes I go, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. You do that during a comedy show. Rudy. The guy's on stage. People, even people start turning around. Like, what's going on? Rudy. Rudy. And then he would turn around, Coco, what the fuck? What time am I going out?

No, no. I would ask him like something. It's going to rain tomorrow? Like something fucking superbly, like nothing to do with the shell. And he would always bring what of those things for your breath? Mince? The can. Oh, tic tics.

No. Mentos, whatever the fuck those are. He would get the cinnamon ones that are delicious. But if you eat the whole can, you shit blood for a day. I would go up to him. Rudy, where's the Mentos? They're right there. And I'll get one every three minutes.

Oh, my God. Right in front of every three minutes. Like I'd pop it. And he'd sit there like, what the fuck? And then after the Mentos were gone, I'd go right back to the Rudy. I'm surprised he didn't pull you up just to get you out of there. Eventually, he started putting me up second. He would give me my check and get me out of there by 830.

I love it. And then I throw in Rudy, we got a Chinese dinner with this. Rooney, we got a Chinese dinner. You know how many times you just gave me money out of his pocket? Like, go. Go.

Go. Did you even get the food? Or you just wanted to torture him? Oh, I would torture him. Another time he would give me two gigs in one night. And he paid me for both gigs. I'd do the first one, but not show up for the second one. Oh, my God.

What was your excuse? I didn't feel like doing it, Rudy. Oh, my God. He would lose his fucking mind. But though, you know, if you're going to give me that, I had a man, I love dude. I had a dude convinced that I had the best cocaine across the country. Any city you go to. Now, all the cities, he was going to, I was going to, so I knew these cities.

But I didn't get coke in these cities. Some cities I got lucky, but other cities, you don't. But I would tell him I did. Started like a year in advance. Like, Doug, when I go to Cleveland, I get this shit from the fucking samurai. Remember Mother of Pearl? Because he was my age. I remember Mother of Pearl.

We just dripped down your throat. And he'd go, yeah, I remember that. And I'd get him all fired up. And then when he'd go to that town, I'd call him on Thursday. I go, you bring anything with you? He goes, I got enough to cover tonight tomorrow. Maybe Saturday. I go, do it all tonight.

I got a guy showing up tomorrow that's going to rock your fucking. Oh, no. He called me the next morning, man. I did it all. What time's your guy showing? He's showing about 7.30. Now, I knew what hotel was in. so I knew the landmark.

There's a library down the corner. And I would tell him, go down there. He's a Chinese guy. His name is Ming. No, that would just build up the fucking whole weekend for him. I did this to him every weekend, guys, for like a year and a half. It became like a joke. I still remember sending him on a mission before I left the house.

I was in California. It must have been 9.30. And I'm like, you're done with the show? And I go, yeah. And he goes, do me a favor. go to the white horse in the center of town. He's like, Joey, it's eight degrees. I go, he'll be there in 10 minutes, man.

Okay, I'll call you from the white horse. I'd be in the car headed to the store and the phone ring. What's up? I'm at the white horse. Is he coming? He's coming. Ain't nobody come. I don't even know anybody in Pennsylvania.

And I'm telling him wait at the horse. And dog, do you know one night I went and did comedy in, did two shows, got off stage? And he calls. Like, man, I've been out of here for two hours waiting. I'm like, you can't. And then he would buy coke from me, from Elcom Padre. And he wouldn't see me. So I would take the money that he'd give me, pick up the Coke, and then he had a camera.

So he'd see me come in and put the Coke down. But I would just put like a phony envelope and fucking take him back. And he never saw it. So he knew I was there. He knew I opened up the mailbox, but there was no Coke in the mailbox. I did that to him like two times. He's like, I don't know if it's my daughter. I don't know if it's my cunt wife.

I had this guy on a different fucking world of torture. I love to you to let other people get to blame me like, yeah, probably was your wife. Oh, you're going to talk to your wife. I stole it. Every time I go to his house and he had a CD on, I'd steal the CDs. I'd steal the CD in the thing. And he called me and go, what happened to my CD?

I don't fucking know. I don't live there. It was constant. Oh, what did you, did you listen to the CD or you just like throw out the window? I fucking threw out the window. What do I give a fuck about? Oh, my God. Tramp or whatever the fuck he was listening to, Doug.

Sometimes the best time, I had a guy in Seattle that a good dear friend of mine, I still talk to him. And he used to tell me all the time. You should get a business card. That's his professional torture. You should. Just, and just give your services out. Like, because no one, the thing about the, like, I would love, I love, like, like, Most people just annoy somebody, but you have, like, persistence and the creativity that I've never, like, I've never seen anyone torture anybody like you.

There is somebody who I don't speak to it. I haven't spoken to them in like five or six years. He doesn't live in Jersey or California or nothing. I know where he lives. And I've thought of a thousand ways on how to get him. Because I don't want to kill him. I want to traumatize him. so he kills himself.

Oh, Jesus. That's the job. Like Hannibal Lecter style? No, kind of. But with devices and noises and sounds and fucking, you know. What about smells?

Have you ever like left someone's house? You might take a shit in the guy's box and put in his drawer in prison. I forgot about it. And he found the piece of shit a fucking three months later. It went from a 12 inch piece. It was all little like a hot dog.

It was a little, a little, flag and anyway. That's a complete different story. But I thought for about a year, I would go to bed at night, dog, and as I was falling on sleep, I'd go, no, no, no. Think about how you would torture this guy. And some nights I would get up and write notes.

Oh. It would be a slow problem. Between 14 months, he would go into Witzack or shoot himself. Because I know the person ain't shit. Right. He's not dick. Okay. He's not dick. He's not. And the way He's not strong enough to handle it?

No, not the way I'm going at him. You take pictures of them, mail it to them. You know what I'm saying? You take a picture with your hand of the supermarket about to touch his back. You're that close. But you don't know who's that close. That fucks you after a month of doing that shit. How often are you sending pictures?

Like once a week? Once a week, middle. the night. Flowers. Anything that you could send with no... Dude, this sounds like this, like the horror movie. This is a horror movie. I would make your life a fucking horror movie.

See, for you young audiences, they made a movie in 1973 called The Mechanic. And then they remade it again in 2000 with the good-looking guy. Whether it's terrible, it's not. I didn't see the new one, but I could tell. I didn't have to see it. because of that movie for the 73 showed you was

how to be a murderer, but be methodical about it. So in this movie, Charles Bronson just didn't kill you when he got a hit on you. He got your medical records. He got everything about you and made it look like a heart attack.

That's it. It was always a fucking heart attack. Okay? But there was a lead-up to that heart attack. Okay? He would put you through the ringer for you to have that heart attack. You're not going to get it one time running up a hill.

Him saying, run, run, there's a fire. You're not going to get it. Right. You have to put him in a mental place that when he does it, that's the move. It's putting him in that mental place. And I think about, okay, it's easy for me. George is going to understand what I'm talking about.

When you do cocaine, you get so fucking paranoid that what's going on and what you say, see at any given time, it's two different complete stories. Like, I'll tell you a night, and I, dog, I had 20, 20 vision at the time. I was 22 years old. I remember one night, 20 feet away, I thought it was a dog. I thought it was a man with a dog. And basically, it was a fire hydrant.

Okay, the man was imaginary. I still remember being in Boulder and a halfway house and getting a furlough to my wife's house at the time. We were dating. And her dad, you know, he's Catholic. He didn't want me sleeping in the house. So I slept in the trailer, which was great because I brought an eight ball. I wasn't that motherfucker alone all night. Drinking and snorting.

But I'll never forget that night I saw at one point, I hallucinated. I saw three guys with machine guns on with a white jacket, those white hoods that they were in the winter to shoot. Like 007 style? Like 2007 shit with machine guns on ropes. I remember seeing it and grasping. Like your heart.

It's going to, and you wait for the door to get kicked in. You hear noises. I remember time looking at a window at a hotel and cars kept stopping. And I'm like, that's the FBI. It's switching cars on me. It was an ATM downstairs, you dumb fuck. You know, I mean, the shit that your mind twist, and that's what you're doing without the drugs.

You're making their mind twist without the hallucinetics. So at first, they don't really know what's going on. They misplace a watch. they misplaced when we went to I took his phone Oh yeah Getting into the car

That's the beginning of it If I was going to torture Lee I would have never gave Lee back that phone I would have gone to the back And took the SIM card out And shut down the toilet And that's the beginning of it I would love to see

And the next time he comes here Another time I'll take something else I don't just keep happening to me You ever move something around Like just move the forks To the other side of the thing Like I thought the forks On the right side

When I was a kid, my mother was a sticky fingered bitch. God rest of the soul, my mother was a sticky fingered bitch. And before I ever got blamed for anything in my life, I got blamed for something I was not doing as a child. I didn't even think like that, guys, because I was such a fag Catholic. I was in Catholic school five fucking nights a week. So I was such a fag Catholic that, you know, this was it.

and every fucking once a week when I got home from after school my stepfather would go to you were you in this money no I didn't know what that money was why would I be in that money I make my own money I fucking work bingo at the church on Sunday nights

and I fucking deliver papers when I'm home on the weekend and I do this and he would always accuse me did you take that 20 bucks off the desk dog I didn't take it and it became a thing for like a year and a half. And I go, you know what? I go, it's either me or my mother. It ain't fucking me. So if I'm going to get accused for it, I'm going to start. So before I started robbing him, I started fucking with him. So those Cubans think differently. Those old-style Cubans, he put

all his money together. He put 5,000 on the rubber band, but he rubber banded in a weird way. He put like a half follicle in there. So if you fucking move the rubber band, you can He just looked at the money. He was a genius like that, or he put an initial on it with like something green or something. And he would put that under where you have your colognes. He would put that underneath. He would just throw it underneath.

And then there was a fucking bedroom upstairs in the attic. And there was a piece in the bedroom. I found the gun with a silencer in there and like a pile of fucking money. That one was the money was long. The money wasn't in a nut. Okay. Not.

that's where he had the money and the money was long. And then there was a spot downstairs when you pulled them with the car, a closet. And he had all his jackets in there. Every one of those jackets had money in that fucking in that jacket. So I said, I'm not going to touch, you know, like 500, this jacket, 400, this time. He's not going to know about these. He's got five grand upstairs and 10 grand under here.

Not in the straight money. So I would take the 5 grand and the 10 grand and switch them. Okay? Because he would go see that something was wrong And then go check to see the other one And then he'd be like, oh wait So whatever closet he went to And he thought he was like a master technician

Let me go downstairs And he go, fuck, I put the money in the wrong place Now I had him Now he knows he's fucking up How did I do that? I'm always on top of stuff I'm always efficient Two weeks later

Switch the money again on him I could see him When he'd get home, two days later, racing around the house, talking, everything all right? Yeah, no so what's what's about going to? My somoio ago. That's the money I had from you. And that's how it started.

He had this big, cheapest regal bottle. Like, they don't even make this bottle no more. It was gigantic. He had pennies in the bottom for San Lazaro, and then silver dollars, Doug, to the top. and one day he goes Did you take a silver dollar out of there? I go, no, why?

He goes, because I got him counted. What did you do? Did you actually take him all out, count them, and put him, I mean, that's how sick he was. I started stealing the silver dollars. Because if you took 10 silver dollars, you could not, if you took 300 out of that, you could notice.

That's how many silver dollars he had in this bottle in front of the St. Lazaro. But there'd be one missing anything that he'd notice? No. I would never take anything that was obvious. I would always switch his money. So he had three piles of money. The attorney money, the number's money.

I don't know what the money in the attic was for. But the money in the attic was straight, and I can never mess with it. Unless I took two grand out and rebandated it and put it next to it, and then he's really fucking crazy. Like, he's like, one of these motherfuckers is fucking with me. So I would switch the money on them for a while.

And then I just started going big, 500. because then he started moving spots on me. But I could tell when the garage opened, I could tell how many steps he took downstairs. Oh, my God. I'm one of those motherfuckers. I'm a professional thief, guys. I'm going to count how many seconds it takes you to get to that play.

I remember one time about 25 fucking years ago in Boulder, a dear friend of mine, and I got a quarter ounce of Coke. And he gave me an eight ball. And he goes, go home and do it. That's yours. But he was going to a wedding house. the next day and he goes, I'm only taking a gram.

And I'll never forget breaking into his house. Because I called him. He goes, I'm in Saratoga. I'm fucking having a great time. That Coke is great. I should have brought it all with me. Dog, I didn't even know this guy, but I went into his house. And I remembered how he walked into the house.

And there was a fucking, a fucking dollhouse from his daughter when she was a kid. And I looked at it because that's the last thing you turned. And I opened up the drawer. And there was the Coke right in the fucking draw. And I'm like, Merry Christmas. I will fucking trace your steps. I will count how long you're going to be down there.

You get out of the car, you slam the door, you look around, you walk in the fucking house. It's cold out. Why are you out there? The other day, dog, the other day I walked up. I drove, last week, I drove up, it sent me up 88th Street. You know where 88th Street park is?

Yeah. Coming up from tunneling. And I'll never forget that I'm coming up that block. And I go, oh, it sent me the other way. So I'm coming this way down 80th. I'm torn up to Kennedy Boulevard. And I'm looking at that house in the corner. And I grew up in that house.

That's Kurt D Lorenzo's house. And we're growing up. I'll never forget that I stopped there. And I giggled a little bit. And I made the left. And there was no other cars there. So I drove real slow past the fucking house. And I had a memory about Chris.

The one I still talked to now. We just hung out Saturday night for a little while. he was like a Coke dealer at the time in 84. I'd moved back. And I was staying with him. And I was working at Swift Electric. So I'd have to walk up that hill and catch the Bergen line bus and then take it to Swift Electric,

which was on 43rd Street. But I have to work Saturdays. You know, eight to one. That's what you do when you're fucking broke. You work Saturdays, right? I was getting like $5.50 an hour or something for all the time. You know what I'm saying? Over time is nice.

You know, I don't know if I got B. out there one morning and looking by his car and seeing gram packages all over. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? So I look under the car and there's a Tupperware container. He would hide the Coke under the car. But it gets better. I picked up every gram and put it in my pocket. I'm like one gram, two gram, three grand.

It was like five grams. But it led to a barbecue and then his door to his house. I get to it's the winter time. I open up the barbecue. Jesus Christ, there's a bag of Coke this fucking big. I just, I just counted the steps. He couldn't leave all the Coke together because then you rob it all. So he left the Tupperware under the car and he put the big bag of Coke under there.

I would leave the big bag. But I'd steal the Tupperware every Saturday morning because he did the same shit every Saturday morning. And every Saturday night he blamed on his brother, Emil, God rest his soul. Every fucking Saturday, he took. tell me, fucking Amio keeps robbing my coke and I go, Jesus Christ. But at that time, Amio was on to his own thing, so I didn't feel guilty.

Because Amir was robbing him too. But you just, it's just weird how you know people's patterns. I guess, but none. I don't think a lot of people, like, I would never, if I was saying about robbing somebody, or just like, oh, he's been down there for six seconds. I can walk around for six seconds and figure out where he hit it. That's like, that's like a beautiful mind level of, like, thievery.

That's pretty impressive. George was laying in bed one night. Okay. One afternoon, listen to kids' barbecue outside. And two hours later, the cops were knocking on his door. Somebody robbed the lady that was having the barbecue. And George was like, I don't know nothing. I'm in the bed laughing my ass off because I took the envelope.

She's outside cooking. No purse is there. Where's the purse? I walked upstairs. The purse is right in the kitchen table with the deposit slip right there. Right there. in the purse, hanging. It's this fucking thing.

It's like a six cents, and I'm not proud of it. I'm not fucking proud of it at all. But this is what it fucking is. Have you ever, because I know, I know you don't, I know you don't want Mercy to be like a thief,

but have you thought about teaching her how to torture people? No. It has to be, it's a gift. I did this shit when I was, I'm just telling you, I did this to my stepfather when I was 10.

This is not something. You're 10? Yeah, that shit. What are you doing $500? $100. Fucking buying basketballs and fucking bicycles and mini bikes and shit

and hiding it. I would banking it. I was just banking money. Oh my gosh. So I had money in the bank with my mother, but I had money at the house under a carpet or some shit.

So you just started hiding your money too? Oh my God. Bro, at that age I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. Right. If I want to go to Blimpy Basin, Union City, I go to Blimpy Basin. If I want to go...

$500 of 10 years old, you're fucking millionaire. If I want to go to a concert, not. to concerts back then. Back then I was a karate nerd. So I would go to the city on Saturdays and buy like stars and fucking flying darts and all that stupidity.

I wasn't, there was no drugs or nothing. But think about that. At that age, I already had that mentality of how to get ahead and how to bust people. Listen, one thing about, this is a bad point about me.

That if I know you for a while, I start to study you. Like, I know what George is going to do before he does it. I yelled at him before because of the want-time soup. Not yelled, but him broke his balls. I've known him so long. And that's a gift that you'll never really have with people. But I learned that growing up,

because growing up in Hudson County, especially in my house, especially in a lot of houses around here, you didn't have time to talk. It was all based on a look. you know what I'm saying it's all based on a fucking look so you got to read people like I gotta know what you're gonna say and I gotta know what I'm gonna say why is that bad to play ahead of the game

you know to study people you have to if you're gonna do stand up if you're gonna be an actor you know this is the shit psychiatrists do whatever those psychologists and shit no this is the shit you do as a standup you know when a headline is on stage, you're watching the headliner, but you're really watching the audience.

You're watching how they react, how one person's on the phone, how one person's eating, how two people think they're in fucking heaven. They're looking at the comedian like, you know, that's what I like to do. You know, some people like to do. I like to smoke a fucking joint and sit there in a car

and watch people walk by. For 20 minutes, 30 minutes, just watch people walk by. think about what they're thinking about. You know, I was telling my wife that I know men's breakdown. Like, I know men. And I'm not saying this the right way. I know how a life could end up. And how I describe it to people is sitting on a plane in the front,

whether you're in 7B or 8B, so you could actually see everybody who comes on the plane. And I tell this to people. And hopefully you guys will listen to what I'm saying to you. I'm not saying nothing bad to you. But when you sit and 6B or for years, I sat in first class with Joe Rogan, it wasn't because I had any money. It's because his agent made you buy two first class tickets. And I would sit there and when everybody else was watching or reading,

I'm watching people and I'm watching couples in particular. And I'm watching the women that just had a baby. and they have the big Starbucks, the size of a fucking milkshake, and they're walking, like, and, you know, and then you see the husband behind them, and he wants to shoot himself in the fucking neck.

He don't want to go nowhere. He don't want to go. You know, he's got the kid, you know, he's got the kid, because she's got the gallon Starbucks with the rip cream all over the fat fucking fingers. Right? And he's got the kid,

and he's got love. And you can just see it in this face. It's like, Doug, and we've all lived through this. I know you lived through it. I don't know if you lived through it. I know you lived through it. The reason why I'm so lenient with my daughter is because for years, I got taken to places that I didn't give it an okay to.

Even as a child, one of those places being church. Okay? I don't know if people know this. And you always could tell a new couple. You're going to do this. You're definitely going to do this because you're having a fact. Oh, thanks. You go to a church.

It's fucking Sunday. All right. It's Sunday. It's 11 o'clock. You got a two-year-old and a three-and-a-half-year-old. The two-year-old don't want to fucking be there. Throughout the whole hour, you're shaking the two-year-old. The four-year-old is looking around.

Like, how long does this last? Why am I in this room with all these ugly, fucking white people, you know. And the father's like, just beat up. He just wants to get home to watch the decade. Mm-hmm. He doesn't care if he's Catholic, whatever. And you see this at every church you go to.

You see a couple, two, three, four couples that three out of the four people don't want to be there. But there's somebody in that relationship that thinks this is that important. And it very is important. But not right now. Because you're making the people they're uncomfortable. your people, your kids like, or you go to a church and they bring a chick that's autistic to church. I get it.

But this kid's going to start fucking blowing whistles. I was waiting. I was like, oh boy, whizzo is going to go. Whistles is probably the best case in there. As an American, I got to sit there during three of the whistle breaks and go, you know, that poor kid, he's got problems, you know. God put him on the planet.

By the fifth or sixth whistle, I'm like, bro, what the fuck is this shit? You know what I'm saying? But we as Americans don't have that anymore. Were you a black labeled? You're called the fucking. And that's why half the time I don't go out. Because I know I'm going to say something. I'm too old anymore.

I'm too old for magic tricks and for fucking, you know. But think about it, guys. And this is why me and my wife, we had a situation a couple of years ago. And we've talked about it a lot. we were like, look, I didn't want to go there. You know, I didn't want to go there in the first place. I understand that your culture, we went one time. It worked out, but that's it.

Never again. You go, go by yourself. You could get a plane, take a fly to Newark and be there in three hours. But people think, you know, yeah, we're going to go to my parents for New Year's. No, we're not. No, we're not. I ain't going to fucking nowhere. You know, everything is like, and that's what I don't like about, like church, when

you see there's some people that just don't want to do shit. And in the relationship, if you're making them go to fucking church and sit there where you two retort kids, you know, making noises and fucking moving around, they don't want to be there either. Let's go. Give me a fucking kids. I'm out of here.

You come home later, stop for donuts. I'll have lunch cooked for you. You know, I'd rather do that. Right. You're the Catholic one. Go down there and jump up and down and, you know. Right. Don't force people to do something.

And I told my wife all the time, what would you do? Well, my mother was still awake. I'd be a worthless man. Why I'd be in prison? But what would you do if my mother was still alive thinking the way she did? I go, you wouldn't tolerate that shit at all. And guess what? I wouldn't expect you to fucking tolerate.

I wouldn't fucking expect you to tolerate. That's too deep of a Cuban shit. And those motherfuckers don't give a fuck. They'll talk Spanish in front of you and try to break it down. And it sounds even worse. just don't say a fucking word to them. They're American and you're fucking Spanish and they don't know shit.

But there was so many situations, you know, and my wife finally and me came to a conclusion after 25 fucking years that, for some shit, not everybody has to go. You know, not everybody has to fucking go these places. Yeah. I could see when a man is broken.

You know, I want to break him. Not a chubby wife drinking Starbucks with cream on her fingers, but to get to that thing, it takes a while to break somebody. And even when I got in trouble, my job was to torment Vela in different ways. I can never get to him. I can never get to him.

Right. But I would, you know, that's when you start doing, again, you can't make it obvious, but you have to think that they're losing their mind first. And you can't go too strong at the beginning because then it's too obvious. But it's too obvious. Just a little bit. So it's very lightly and you pile it on and you pile it on sort of how I did

with Joe Rogan and that he brought. It was funny because he just called me. I looked at it. I just missed his call. And it's like so weird how that worked out perfectly because when he said to me that every time he talks to Joe, he hears a clicking on the phone, I knew I had him. That's it. I can run with this for fucking years.

It's fucking real of fortune. your eyes, you're like, oh, this is the jackpot. And I do this to everybody. You know, we were talking about, let's get it out in the open. We were talking about things that you see. I became friends at somebody last year that when I first became friends with this person,

I was informed that she wanted to a podcast. Within 25 minutes, I had naked pictures and, you know, it didn't matter. It didn't matter. I knew she was bad news. And I go, you know what? I don't want to just stop talking to this person. I'm going to keep him around like a fucking leash, you know. And she would call me every three weeks with her story.

I never really hung out with her after that. It wasn't even worth the aggravation. But I knew that where I was going with this broad was going to be trouble. Okay. And I knew that there was no way this could ever happen. I already blown my life 18 different times. This could not happen. I really liked her, but not for those reasons.

I thought that we could bring her in as a podcast chick or something like that. She's hot. She's something different. She would tell about her horror stories, but she didn't talk about her. Okay. And then, like after one phone call, like in June, we had, I thought about it. I go, I'm letting this woman torture me where I should be torturing her. And I started my mental mind fuck with her.

And it was very subtle. I just, you're not going to see me. Right. And when you do see me, it's going to be something weird. It's too late. And I kept doing this. And I kept, and I wanted to see if she snapped. And she did.

Ah. Because I always tell people, everybody's got a price. Right. No matter what your beliefs are, yeah, but I'm a Christian. I never did that. everybody's got a price and I did one of my most torturous moves

ever and cold-blooded oh my God okay one of the coldest blooded I was in the fucking hospital pulling these strings that's how big my Jimmy is oh my God you were torturing someone from the hospital from the hospital laughing to myself

watching my blood pressure go up from the giggling in my heart oh my God and I saw a fracturing And then what did I do? I had two options. I'd go to war with her. Or dismiss her altogether.

And I dismissed her again. And I saw her lose her mind again. And then I finally had her to get rid of her. I finally had to tell her that, you know, she was an abortionist and, you know, all this other shit. An abortionist. And guess what?

What? A month later, the phone rang. And it was her again. and the way I answered the phone, it must have been in my voice and my heart. I just said, I didn't say it. Haven't you had enough?

But I was thinking it and sometimes thinking something, like really, because when I looked at the phone, I was sitting in my car, just calling my agents and shit, and I was on the phone with somebody and I saw her name pop up, and I'm like, nah, I don't have my glasses on.

I'm seeing this wrong. Right? Like I'm saying this wrong. There's no way this person could be calling me. And do you know that I stayed on the phone with my agent? And do you know that 25 minutes later when I got the phone with my agent, she called again. And I sat there and let it ring like three times because I couldn't believe it. After the torturing and the saying things to her and the baby's head and all this stuff,

here she is on the phone to tell me they're having a sale at where she works. But the whole time I'm like going, are you fucking serious? And it's weird that after you torture them, now they start torture them themselves. Now they just get into the cycle that you don't even have to do anything anymore. You've completely broken them? Huh?

You've just broken them? To torture yourself is pretty bad. Huh? To torture yourself is pretty bad. Yeah, because after a while, you just torture them. You don't have to do nothing because not seeing them is worse than somebody. But there's a way to do it.

For me to walk in the room and Nick's in the room and I want to let them know I'm not talking to him, that's not it. Nick's going to call me a fat's comeback. I'm going to call Nick a cocksucker. And guess what I'm doing tomorrow? I'm disappearing. Oh, why? So guess what?

Every time Nick goes to the Cuban place, they're going to say to Nick, have you seen Joey Diaz? And he's going to go, no, I haven't. We're not talking. But he's going to hear that, three places. You guys see somebody at Rudy's going to say, you see Joey Dears? No, he hasn't been here three weeks. And he goes somewhere else.

George, have you seen Joey Dears? Talk. No, I haven't talked to him. Why is everybody asking about Joe Diaz right now? That's the torture. That's the first. torture. The places I used to go, I disappear from.

And then... So even when you're not torturing them, like you're just preparing you to torture them. I'm tortured. When you guys are getting along, you're like, oh, he's going to hate this eventually. Because now everywhere they go, they're going to go,

we haven't seen Joey in a month, two months. Oh, my God. And now you're going to go, I haven't fucking seen Joe either. What the fuck is he doing? what is he plotting? What is he thinking? What the fuck is going on?

And now that's it. I just, you just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucked and free. Jesus, dude. You are, and that is a good word for you because you plot a lot. Everything has to be bliss.

A man without a plan is not a man. Nietzsche said that. You can run around for years. You're going to run around to you 35, 36, and go, I got to cut the fat and attack this the right way. And that's all that happens. You just learn how to get better and better as a human being.

And you try the best. Right. Doesn't mean you have to have a boat or you have to be 50 cent or you have to hang out with ditty. It just means, and that's what people are confused. Everybody wants to take those Instagram pictures, excuse me, with models and boats and bitches and gold chains. They don't tell you they got to bring it back in an hour that the gold chains are on rental. Jesus, dude. What do you got this week?

P.I. I caught Dan. This week, Friday, I'm at Bedford Falls, and then Saturday I'm at the Gaff West, and I'll be popping in around the comedy shop at Shiba's during the week, but those are the two big ones this week. What about you? You got anything this week?

I got nothing. I got nothing. I got to go to a bladder doctor again on Wednesday. My daughter's got a recital Wednesday night. This is orchestra. This ain't jazz band. Last week was very interesting to see a play the bass.

with her fucking fingers and shit. She got all dolled up. It was fucking crazy. That's awesome. Yeah, it was good to go there and see the, because a lot of these kids I know from softball. Right. But I haven't seen them since they're nine or ten.

You see them and you're like, what the fuck happened? So it was pretty interesting. It was nice to do. I took them out to dinner afterward. Everybody had a nice time. You know, I couldn't go to the dojo on Wednesday. I don't know if they're doing it this week.

If they're doing it Wednesday, I'll probably end up going to see what time I get out of the orchestra. Nice. And then take it from there. I think there's something tomorrow night. Tonight I'm going to do something in South Amboy or something. Cool. And that's it, man.

I'm just trying my best. I'm getting ready to kick up the New Year with some new shit. You're ready for St. George Theater? And getting ready for the St. George Theater. And motherfucking beautiful, Staten Island, knocking on Royal Crown's Door for some chocolate bread like a, motherfucker. We still got the butter. George saved it. I saw that. George saved it for his birthday. It's cold enough here that it's probably fine. I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching

and we'll see you next week. Same time, same bad channel. Yeah! Happy holidays. Uncle Joe here. Listen, fellas, it's time to level up your big big game. Blue chew just dropped Blue Chew gold. Listen, Blue chew gold is a four and one tablet with a mix of key ingredients. Increase blood flow, arousal. Blue chew gold dissolves under your tongue. It works in as little as 15 minutes. You don't have to wait there like a fucking mook, you know. Listen, this stuff is tremendous.

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