Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz doses Jim Florentine's friends and tortures Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt welcome comedian and radio host Jim Florentine to The Church. Joey and Jim torture Lee about his wedding plans, Joey and Jim talk the wild football parties Jim throws and Joey getting chased around Jim's basement by a naked friend, Jim tells the wild story of the wrestling photographer who slept over his house and much more! SHOW NOTES Support the show & get 15% off your Bioma order with the code JOEY at https://gobioma.com/church Download the DraftKings Pick6 app now. Play $5 & get $50 in Pick6 Bonus Picks with code JOEY.

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with his Jewish Cato for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now, new edition. What's happening, brother? I'm good, dude. Good to see you.

Everything all right? You got a little sniffles today. Got sniffles. Got a little sicky pool again down in Philadelphia. Oh, that's because I was out all. Dude, it's the number one food city in the country. And I was just out. It's like, it's, I don't,

I dare you to name one better city than Philadelphia. Philadelphia, food-wise. Philadelphia has great food, but it's pointed out of a certain direction. Yeah, they're fat people. If I go, yeah, no, no, no. But you got to go something. Like, when you go to Texas, like, if I take you to Houston, and one minute you're eating good Chinese, and next minute you're eating good barbecue, and next minute you're eating good

Italian. That's what I'm saying. When you go down there, yeah, you got a red pie. I mean, I love the food in Philly. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I always eat when I'm down there. You do see that.

Of course. And I live to go down there. I love the food at the stadiums, the back. Basketball, I love it. Yeah. But I don't know. I mean, I can't eat that shit every day. But how often do you eat barbecue?

I could eat more Italian than I could eat barbecue. I could eat Mexican too. They got Mexican in Texas. Do they really? Oh, yeah, they do. You're right. You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm talking about it. I've had nothing one day for three days. Yeah, you made a mistake, okay. What mistake? But Philly food is fucking great. Oh, it's the best. I love the people.

It was just a great weekend. It's my favorite city to go, just go down there and say whatever the fuck I want. I know nobody's going to say a fucking word. If you have a many guns at your show, yeah, they're going to leave insulted. But the good thing about Philly is, as they leave, people clap. Get the fuck out. You weren't one of us anyway. So get the fuck out of here.

It's that plain and simple. And that's why they'll never be whatever the word is that woke. They'll never be that. It's always, you know, it's like I told you. I took my daughter there and I didn't give a fuck because I'd rather hear it from somebody else at that age than for me. And I told her, we're going into Philly. This is live. The St. Memorex.

The St. fucking a tape. The St. The St. fucking Billy Ilish saying shit. You know, this is fucking real. This is. What was on? There was like a dick on the wall or something?

I'm a dick on the wall. Not even, we didn't even go into the stadium. And there was already a dick and balls on the wall. And she goes, Dad, look. We go, yeah. Welcome to Philadelphia. You know, once you see that, that's it. You know where you're at.

You grab your kids and go, we're leaving. We're going to where there's culture. There ain't no culture in Philly. This is Philly. That's a good thing about Philly. This will always be Philly. And somebody will always call you out in Philly. And that's it.

I mean, look at the people who've come from Philly. Look, I tell you, I'm going to get tickets. My birthday this year, they're going to do Julius Irving's birthday at the spectrum. It's against the Atlanta Hawks. but it's Julius I mean he's turning 76 it's 76 so and are you going to get good seats or like what are you going to do

no I'm going to sit up in the top with a bunch of fucking people that ICE made a mistake and arrested that's what I'm going to do a bunch of Mexicans got arrested it illegally yeah I'm going to try to get the best fucking seats are you going to get a Julius like Jersey or what are you going to do? Oh yeah yeah I'm going to get a Julius jersey like an asshole no I'm going to go there and watch him and that's one of my early

fucking idols He's one of the guys that kept. That's why I told George, I hope he don't die, either him or me die before his birthday. Jesus. You know what I'm saying? That those tickets will be a waste of time.

We need to do a drinking game is how quickly you can bring up you dying every episode. Listen, Cox, every fucking episode you're dying sooner and sooner. It's the obvious. So when I do die, you go, you know what? He knew he was dying. He's a good dog.

And then I thought you won't be crying like a pussy at the funeral. I'm taking the pain from you, a little by little, Cox, doctor. You don't see what I'm doing. Not too many people are going to cry at my funeral, but you will. with a Diwali blanket

You'll be fucking crying I'm going to your house And taking every last bit of A bit of weed you have At that house And selling on an eBay There's no weed left Okay

There's It's gonna be like Ralphie Mae's wife Selling everything on eBay I'll sell all your stuff on eBay Fuck it You know

How weens in the air Yeah What are you dressing up as? I don't know A fucking Christian I have no idea What I'm dressing up

What are you I haven't dressed up In fucking years It's not my agenda, but I dressed up yesterday. What did you dress up as? The big, bad wolf. And you had a whole wolf costume? Yeah, but it was lame.

My wife made it. It was like a fucking gentleman wolf. I had to make some adjustments. I had to get fangs and put some blood around my mouth. And fucking, you know, I got like, she got me like two little caddies. I'm like, what the fuck? I look like fucking John Candy and space balls. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I had a little cape, and she got me a bow tie. I don't want a bow tie. When you were eating fucking girls, you don't have a bowtie. You're just digging in. They grab it to choke you and you're eating that fucking wolfy wolf. So what do you have like panties hanging out of your mouth? What do you want? Like what kind of wolf do you want?

I put my cap panties and I put them in my collar. You know, you don't meet dog. Why did you dress up? You went like trick-or-treating already? No, I'm worried. Who goes trick-or-try? I don't even, blood, dog. That's burning too many calories.

I don't trick-a-treat. I cross the street. I got a fucking Hershey. What is that? The peanut M&Ms that taste like dick? you don't like peanut MMs? Yeah, but the little ones taste different

than the good ones they give you. I didn't know that. When you're chubby, you got to know these things. That's why when you tell me you go to CVS and buy those little bags

I get upset with you. Oh. Because today, do a sample. Go get a bag on sale. Okay. And go get a big fucking bag of fucking M&M peanuts. Oh, yeah.

Eat two big M&M peanuts and then take the ones from those little meserab blags. Oh. Eat two of those and see what they taste like. They taste like a fingernail. I don't get those little many ones.

Yes, you do, because you go to CVS. I go the day after Halloween. That used to be my favorite day. 80% off and the fucking thing's really stale. They chemically make it to be stale. Good, it tastes great. It's like this thing we went to last night, this Halloween costume.

Every year, you know, people enter the window. I didn't enter. Okay, I didn't even get up and dance. I had 1,500 milligrams with me. I wasn't going anywhere. I was just laughing by myself. The shit people put on, you know. So why do you have a costume on if you weren't entering the contest?

Because my daughter went. It was a family thing. Okay. So I wasn't even going to go. I was going to stay at Jimmy's and watch the fucking football game. Right. But I'm like, you know what, man. This is what you do.

I don't want to do it. But this is what you got to do every once in a fag and fucking, you know, that's what it takes to be a father every once in a while? Yeah, you got to fucking eat a bullet and dress up. What did she teach yourself as? Go with your kids. She was something from some show. I don't fucking know.

Oh, so it wasn't like a family. I thought it was like she was going to be Little Red Riding Hood. Oh, my wife. Why would I eat my daughter? You know what I'm saying? What a perverted motherfucker you? What are you talking about eating her daughter? Yeah.

Oh. My wife was Little Red Riding Hood. Oh, okay. And I was the big bad wolf. But now she told me Friday we have to go to another one. So I'm going to go out this week and get myself a really fucking big bad wolf. You're going to be the same cost to me and I get something different? No, no.

I'm going to upgrade this big. You got to be like Julius Irving. No, stupid. I'm going to work. The wolf man, she made me. He was below par. Okay. I'm coming out Friday with the fucking real wolf man.

Woo-woo. To be it. I'm going to get some new mushrooms. I'm trying to score a $10 bag of heroin. I want to fucking do a line of heroin and you just start fucking like, foaming from the fucking mouth like that Mexican and narcos. You know what I'm saying? You're like, are you going to be Julia serving?

Yeah. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a white Julia serving. What's dumber than a white Julia serving? And God forbid you put suntan or something. then I'm Joey Whiteface and I'll never be able to crack a joke again because I hate black people

because I took it back to Al Jolson. You know what I'm saying? I need this shit. Why would I want to be Julia serving? Anybody who puts black makeup on it's like fucking raping a girl right now. If you put black makeup on and take a picture, you're done.

You won't even get a job anymore in this country. You won't even get a fucking job. They'll labor you racist and this and that and it's not even worth the aggravation. I would love to dress up like a black fucking dude, like big dick. I told you, my daughter wanted me to dress up like the bullet that killed Charlie Kirk. That's how, that's where she's coming from. She was begging me to just go as Charlie Kirk dead.

Please put the scarf on with the red thing. My wife was like, you can't, Joey. But that's what I really, like, if somebody has an off Halloween, I'm showing up like Charlie. Big Dick. How would be? Dog, you know, listen, these people. In 1981, I was an abortion. Stop.

I dressed up, dog, I dressed up with fucking thermal underwear, and I put a hanger around my neck. You know what I'm saying? What did they say to you then? You can't come into this party. And his uncle dressed up like garbage. That's the best costume. I think abortion might be garbage.

They took a metal garbage can. Right. Cut the bottom off. Right. this was fucking fuck all these shows they put garbage cans on they put those farmer straps on okay and they took the cap and they took fucking a bag a brown bag and they crazy glued it and they rolled it up so it fit their hat their heads right so when they put the lid on then they took the lid and took strings and tied them to the tails of live mice and went into a party and once they

all there in the same time they picked up the mice and started eating them in the fucking party and people were puking, girls are crying. That's Halloween, motherfuckers. That doesn't seem like what happened candy and fucking... Who wants to go see the movies? Bobbing for apples. I'd rather eat bob for apples and raw, fucking alive mice. You are as boring and as white.

This is why America's going to take it all by Chinese people any day now. Yeah, I want to bob for apples. I don't want to bob for apples, but I don't want to eat mice. You don't bob for apples, faggots and practice. That's how they take you to fagotry school, how to suck dick. That's what you do. You bob for apples. It's like the seals, Navy seals.

They make you go in the water and hold your breath. Same thing. When Eric was like, hey, he went to fag school. At eight, they're already teaching them. Catholic school. That's what it's called. Where they train you to be a faggot? No.

These are lies people, please. Anyway. Is Mercy going to go trick-or-treating? this year? I don't fucking know. She's fucking 12. Why would you take a tree? I don't know.

If I were you, I'd make her so you could get the candy. What, fuck. I don't want that candy in my house. Come on. Why would you want that shit candy in your house? There is a bag of that shit upstairs year round. And every once in a while,

I'm not going to lie to him. I'll go in and get a Kit Kat. That's it? 1,500 milligrams and you're eating one Kit Kat? That's it. That's it. And it's not even when I'm high, to be honest. It's like when I have a craving for chocolate or something like that.

But if you're going to eat chocolate, there's good chocolate for you to eat. Like what? I don't know. You go to one of those fucking whole foods. And they give me nice chocolate. You do not eat whole foods chocolate. The lady around the corner had some of the house and it was very fucking good. Did they switch you at fucking the hospital?

If I told you I was eating whole foods chocolate. Listen, you know what the good thing about me is? Not only do I have a good memory. But I remember how shit tastes. Unless you're a fucking moron And I know Jimmy will vouch for this and George Well, I don't know about George Is it me?

And I, if we go online, it'll tell you that scientifically Your buds change as you get older. That's true. So yeah, like if I used to eat, like when I was a kid, I used to buy date nut bread. That shit ain't even around no more. Date nut?

Date nut bread. It was made by Sarah Lee And I'd cut it and put cream cheese on that motherfucker and eat it I think about that now and I want to strangle myself Because I don't even like that shit You know what I'm saying? I understand that I understand not going to Burger King every two meals I understand not doing that shit

But I don't understand like Honestly when I open up a bag of my daughter's cereal I told you guys immediately That is not the cereal But we ate his kids. No. None of it. When fucking apple jacks don't turn green, the milk, they don't make the milk turn green,

and their little fucking pellets, that's not what I grew up on. They're pellets now? They're pellets. Captain Crunch, that's gone. All that shit, that peanut butter crunch with the pirate, gone. The cocoa mix, they don't make your milk turned, and the thing that is chocolate is probably killing rats in another country or something like that. You know what I'm saying?

Right. This is the truth. You taste it. Dog, I remember coming from, I remember being a little kid, and I was addicted to her as she bars. Anything that said chocolate on it, because of my little spick mind, I couldn't read English, and I thought it meant chocolate late. So how Cubans say chocolate, Mexicans had chocolate. I thought they were saying chocolate late. So at night, I'd eat chocolate when I was a kid.

My mom would go, why are you bouncing off the wall? 11.30 at night, because I'd eat the real thick fucking chocolate, that shit that they'd get you from the sweet and stuff. My mom would make it to make fucking hot cocoa or something like that. Well, go get chocolate today. Go get a piece of Hershey chocolate today. Don't taste like it. And I went to that Hersheyville in Pennsylvania, all right?

And the kisses tasted a little bit better. Okay. But get a kiss now. Get a kiss now. It's scientific chocolate. It's not fucking the chocolate we grew up in a guy. That shit's hard. as fuck. No shit.

Unless you leave it in your pocket for 12 hours. Then you go in and it's half melted. You got a little fudge on your fingers, but you don't give a fuck. You haven't eaten all day. You know what I'm saying? You need you need some sugar in your system. Oh, I can't that's what I would do. When I was at 3, when

I was 300 plus, when Halloween time came around, I would get a bag every time I would go to I used to honest, to be honest with you, I would do open mics for like the last year of L.A. just so I could go to that 7-11 and get candy on the way home.

I know what you talk that's like that like people talk about like hitting like the rock bottom with like drugs and shit candy is my rock bottom because that's when I... Especially when you call me from Minneapolis and you said you fell asleep

you got so high. Oh yeah. Doing a Twitch. You fell asleep on the chocolate and melted all over his bed. Yeah. And he woke up covered in chocolate and fine.

I'm like wow. And then I ate it. I ate it when I woke up. And you know that listen man. I see where you're coming from because I can see. you like you were heavier then yeah and at that point you were a little down you didn't know where to start you were starting to walk a little bit but bro when you're walking on ice you

might as well dance when you're full and a pound it's like when somebody says listen you got double lung cancer you know you got eight months to break out the cigarettes brother break out the cigarette what am i going to do now we don't smoke you know the church group listen fuck the church group i'm smoking i'm snorting i'm doing everything whatever the doctor tells me i can't do and it's the same thing. Like, you just, you want to beat your, I remember trying to get off Coke those last two years. And every time I go, I want to get off, I just do another fucking

apeal and go, what the fuck am I doing? So it's kind of an addiction, but man, the shit they're giving us today completely fucking different. Entemans, come on, man, completely fucking different. Those cookies from entomins, you buy them and they

break. Now get them. They kind of soft, but not really. No. They added so much shit. And so what do you do? Do you make your own... I don't know. I don't have the fucking answer. You're not supposed to eat it at all.

But it's like... I honestly think they're trying to kill us because they just come out with shit all the time. Like Wendy's now has frosties with like hot fudge in it and cookies in it. Like they come... Every time I go on a diet, I feel like they come out with shit

that I've been praying for as a fat guy. And they just come out with shit that no one ever needs to eat. Oh, those wreathies are. Oreos are delicious. You haven't tried them? I should bring them in. No, no, don't even bring them in. Why would you have those pellets of debt?

I'll tell you what changed. Oh, my God. And don't tell me nothing. None of you motherfuck are telling me wrong. Because I grew up in a fucking movie theater. I grew up in a fucking movie theater. Raisinettes. By raising that.

Don't ain't raisins in there no more. They ain't fucking raisins. They still make those? I don't even know. I don't have movie theaters no more. Raisin it. Yeah, they don't have that shit no more. Popcorn, that's in, oh, my God.

What did you do? Friday fucking night, my wife goes to Philly. Friday night, listen, I got to tell you guys something. I read something that people who eat alone, go to the movies alone, are very resilient. I don't know what they're talking about. I love hanging out. Like I was watching that Mafia show.

I was telling Nick, I was watching that Joey Merlino show. on Netflix. Okay. And Merlino's out with 14 fucking guys. Every time, in 1980, it was him, which I was telling Jim, him and 16 fucking guys. When I was fucking 18, 25,

I had 10 guys with me everywhere. You got to tell people, don't call Lee, because we have too many people to go to that Chinese restaurant. We'll fuck him up. Lee comes, we'll never get invited again like that.

Not because we didn't love you because we're already rolling deep. Right. And today at 62, I can't find one fucking guy in my neighbor. to go to Bourbon Street and look at some Russian fucking snatch.

You know what I'm right? Well, maybe if you invited them to a movie. Well, no. So I'm at home. They're in Philadelphia. I love going out by myself. Oh, it's the best. I bumped into like eight things that night.

I bumped into a woman who was saying stuff to me outside while she was smoking a cigarette. And I was like predicting the words for her. And every time I go, oh, and this would happen next. And she's like, how'd you know? You really know, I just was talking to her.

As I was walking out, she goes, you're from a TV show. I go, no, I'm from fucking comedian. I'm a dirty comedian. She goes, no, I saw you the other night on some tea. No. And we just started talking. She was with another old broad.

Oh, my God. This woman went from talking about Marlboro to talking about sex. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, yeah, I love when some guy pounds my hair or something. I'm like, what the fuck? Were you at the strip club or just out of a restaurant? No. I was at a restaurant.

An Italian family fucking restaurant. I was walking to my car. It was hysterical. No one ever says this shit to me, Joey. I go out by myself all the time. I'm fucking high as a kite now. I got 1,500 milligrams in me. I'm rolling deep.

I'm smoking 45% gunpowder. 45? Yeah, they have this new gunpowder weed. It's mixed with the weed. You take three hits of that. You're fucked up. I had that in me. I was fucked up.

And I go home and the girl's like 45 minutes away. like when I went away home from the concert I'm sitting there watching something I'm like man I go for some popcorn right so I go upstairs and I see jiffy pop Like the kind of put on the pop right Yeah

And I'm like oh shit I haven't done a jiffy pop In 50 fucking years That's a long time you know So I read the you know I had to go get my glasses And read it take the top off And then you read the back of the top And it tells you put it over the thing on medium

And keep moving it fast And it swirls the thing swirls. So I'm fucking high as a guy, and all of a sudden I'm like, listen, I know I got problems, but I know I can make popcorn without a hitch, especially in these things.

And I'm pop, pop, blah, bye, and it's starting to pop, and all of a sudden, it's like the little rascals cake, like it started going to Pui-Pua, not even the noises, but the one side just popped, and popcorn started going and hitting the wall. And I'm like, ah, and all of a sudden the other side is hitting me. now. Pop-paw.

And I'm trying to shut the thing. I'm turning it around and popcorn's everywhere. You're still trying to cook it? Huh? You're still trying to cook it? I'm still, yeah, because it's popping.

It's $8 for a fucking thing. I'm getting a ton of out of it. Half the half is hitting the wall. The other half is hitting the fire and now the popcorn's on fire. Oh my God. I'm like, what the fuck? But the paper towel is on fire.

Off the fucking jiffy pop. And I'm such a fucking gavone. I am. such a pig because listen you're eating it oh yeah whatever it was left i just put it in the thing i put butter in it like a porto rican heavy on the pepper i mix it all up and bro half everything i bit into was one of those unfucked like i had i had nine teeth when i started you know what i'm down to eight fucking teeth meanwhile terry walks into this kitchen and there's eight no i didn't say nothing i just went back downstairs and sat there on the thing and she came in and she goes

I smell something. So something burning? You're not going to want to know. And she goes, what did you do? I tried to make popcorn. She goes to microwave? No, what microwave? I didn't see the microwave.

I only saw Jiffy Pop. She's like, I already know what happened. She went upstairs. She's like, Joe Diaz, what the fuck? And I go, dog, it started popping from the side. It didn't even unswirl. It just started popping. What happened?

The microwave? Why didn't you do a microwave popcorn? Because I didn't see the fucking microwave popcorn. Oh. I only saw it was in front of me, which was fucking jiffy pop. And I'd see, whatever, what's the name of it? Not jiffy pop. I think you're right.

Yeah, whatever. I only saw the fucking jiffy pop. And I had seen it days earlier trying to get oatmeal or something like that. And I remember there's jiffy pop in that. Like I made the fucking, you know, the correlation. Dude, that's like on 1,500 milligrams. I'm surprised you didn't burn the house down trying to make jiffy pop. And then you kept cooking it as it was exploded over your kitchen.

Listen, at my age of the house burns. down. If you know anything about me, though, I'll probably just go outside and lay down the lawn. Lay down? Yeah, what do you want to me to do? Yow on the scream and get a button. Turn the popcorn off. At this age, what ain't want me to do?

You want me to make a big deal? It's insured. I don't think it's in the shirt when you burn it down making popcorn. Not because I'm suing jiffy pop, because they get me defective fucking jiffy. Dude, can you imagine if I told you I made jiffy pop? You'd go off for 45 minutes about me making pop. But you're a fag

because you put hot fudge on it or something like that. That's why. Yeah, I'm a genius. That does sound good. Hot fudge on some popcorn? What the fuck you think of you? Listen,

every time I come up here on Monday. Yeah? I say to myself, I'm going to come up here a little early and I'm going to stop at Krausers. What's that? The fuck in my place with the chubby chick. Oh, the strawberries?

Oh, okay. And get strawberries and get the boxes of chocolate. I just know that I can't stop. No. I'll get boxes for my neighbors. If I go by the house, then I'm getting that. box. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm one of those guys. I ain't giving you shit now. I came by

where you weren't home. Let's talk about prebiotics. We've got a guest. Let's do it. And let's make this party happen. We'll be right back. We're going to talk to you about bioma, the best. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. The last place you want to find something scary is in the toilet. Keep everything tip top in the bathroom with bioma. Biomas blend the prebiotics, probiotics, and postbiotics helps restore a healthy microbiome. You're going to want to give bioma a try and get things sorted out down there. Listen, me, I take, I pop through those things. Tip-top, McGoo, you understand me?

Everything is rocking, smooth, smoke comes out. Forget about it. Stop waiting for your stomach to get better on its own. Get bioma and get it together. It's not just about smooth, regular digestion. Your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy, weight management, and even lifespan. Take 15% off your Bioma order to get started. Just click in the link in our show notes and press and code Joey.

J-O-E-Y, Bioma will get you tip-top, Magoo, and time for the holidays before you start stuffing your face. Balance yourself out and take care of yourself. You want to be healthy through the holidays. Trust me, you don't want to end up like Uncle Joey in the hospital for five days. So go to Bioma. Again, that's code Joey. For 15% off your order when you're clicking the link in our show notes. Happy Halloween.

Ah, ah, ha, ha, ha. Kick this motherfucker, me, O'Leet. We're back, Jack. Tonight we have my neighbor, fucking Jimmy Florentine. You might know him from Sirius, the fucking, the hard rock metal show, the metal show with fuck-oh and fuck-e. my man Don James and Eddie Trunk What's going on Jimmy

It's good to see you guys man It's great to be back up in my Living up here The memories I haven't been up here in a while North Bergen, Cliffside Park Area lived around here Caused some major damage in this area

Been to the police station Cliffside Park police station a bunch of times Fucking good times up here Young comedy huh Yeah You were a young comic living up here Yeah Going back and forth and

of the city rent was manageable back. $800 for a three, for a two bedroom. It was me and my girlfriend and Jim Norton live together. So we split $800 three ways. Right here in Cliffside Park. It was beautiful. That is fucking crazy. You see what it looks like, man?

I know. Down there looks like a fucking bomb hit it down there. It's crazy. But then you go two blocks down and you think you're in fucking heaven. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. When you go to Edgewater and we walking and seen how much that area is, grown it's it's unbelievable there was nothing down it it was like the path mark and then the

gas station steakhouse and that was it was like and it was closed on sundays because it blew off shit i remember there was no parking around by my street a riverview place i come home late doing spots so i got um and they have the yellow line so you couldn't park there so i bought like a gray spray paint and i spray painted it so my car would fit over the yellow where it wasn't supposed to. I'm like, I got, yeah, I couldn't find a spot of two in the morning around here. You drive around for an hour. So I just fill in the yellow with gray space, perfect. I got a spot. Do you ever get caught? No, never did. It was like two in the morning. I just sprayed a yellow until my car fit. Isn't it great when you say, fuck it? And you're like,

if I get a ticket, I get a ticket. And then you don't get a ticket. And then you don't get a ticket. And then you don't get a ticket. And you're like, who I would just say, hey, listen, man, I don't, you know, I didn't know. This looks like a spot. You know, your hands are silver from this, right, man? It's fucking crazy. That for people who don't know this, when everybody was making the dissent from L.A., everybody was going to Texas and Tennessee and Florida.

I called my man Jimmy Florentine. I go, Jimmy, I was coming back, but fucking the plan got foiled. I was going to move up to Bergen County, but something didn't want me to move to Bergen County. And I thought about where I was today for lunch. I went to my crazy brothers. He lives in Morganville. I used to go down there.

And I just, something about the area that I really liked. It was peaceful. Like, instead of staying up north, it was just fucking trees and fucking elk. And, you know, he had a pool and fucking, it was sunny. You know, it was just great. And Rascals was down there. He had a couple clubs down there, two or three clubs. I would stay with him for three weeks and go to Princeton, do Rascals Ocean,

and then do Rascals and Wandskles and West. One of it. The other fucking. West Orange. You know, I loved it. So I called you and Jimmy's responsible for luring me to fucking Jersey. Everybody was going to Austin. I remember them calling me and going, hey, man, we need to talk to you. We got houses in Austin. And I'm like, that's great. I already bought a house in Jersey. Like, don't do it. Don't sign the paper. We're all gone in Austin. I'm already going to Jersey. It was like one in the morning when this conversation went down With Joe and who else Duncan It was a bunch of guys We were all like fucking Joe had a three-way going over there And he was because all those guys during the pandemic Would fucking Zoom at night

That's how Zoom got big right They were zooming at night to keep their fucking mind So they was zooming and Joe was talking to me going yeah I bought the first house Tony's next and we'd born the house for you and I'm like I really bought a fucking house guys you had a house in 10 days once you called me yeah my sister-in-law's a real estate broker she knows the area to schools all that shit you got the kid Terry talked to her within 10 days yeah we got a house 10 days

dude that was a you bought a house without seeing it you saw it on face time but you were never inside the house I had a friend of mine look at it and I trusted him I grew up with him you know and he knows that type of shit. That's his fucking world. And he goes, go ahead. It's a nice piece of property, whatever. At that point, I just was happy to find something. Now, today, I wish I would have been a different house.

But I love my little house. I'm comfortable there. You know, I love that neighborhood. As much shit as I talk about, it's boring and shit. Listen, man, I come out of that house at quarter of six mornings. Today I was out there with a hooded sweatshirt. and a fucking winter jacket

with hoodies on and sweatpants and I'm drinking coffee and I look at those trees and shit and there's not a noise. There's not a noise. There's times I go in the garage and I come back up and I sit there and I go, when is a car

and I play the game, when is the car going to pass by? It'll be 15, 20 minutes and the car won't go by. It's like one of those Kleeneaswood movies where it's just quiet, peaceful. No, and I remember, like, within like two weeks,

Mercy had like four friends over the house. Oh, yeah. And you go, she had none in L.A. Nobody wants to hang out. And there's four neighbors that are her same age go to the same school and they're hanging out. Jimmy, it's a no-brainer. Because it wasn't, when you have a child,

it's not about you anymore. It's about, so your career, if you're really real, unless I'm fucking Brad Pitt and I'm getting $82 million a movie, why do I live there? Why do I have to live there? I even, 82 million a movie means I could probably fly it by myself and get planes for you guys to fly behind me like that Tom Cruise movie. Like Tom Cruise movie when he was smuggling coke with those dudes.

You know, 82 million, yeah, 82 fucking million. So why are we here? It comes down to this. Quality of life for your child. First of all, the quality of life for me, I was already, I can't get comfortable in neighborhood. Lee and me ran that fucking neighbor. We knew every Mexican.

We knew any donut chick. We knew all the fucking burrito places. Big Tony's where they gave you the fruit with the cream on top. It was like it was too easy of a life. I already knew the weed store was next to the crowd therapy store. Come on. Come on. Not even a mile from my fucking house.

How many time? How far did you live from me, Lee? Two blocks? Only two. I would show up. Lee's and start beeping a horn. I'd be right down. And he'd come down. I give him one of those 200 milligram

fucking tubes. You give me a tube and some Cuban fried rice and zoom off. Yeah, and I'd see you later. It was kind of fun for a little bit. It was fucking fun, but after a while it was just us. And you had a it was me, Lee, and the

comedy store. And this poor seven-year-old girl that any time we went to a party, she was the only kid. Anytime we invited people over, she was the only kid. And then when she did make friends, Jesus Christ, there was a girl that locked her out of the house. There was another girl we went over that.

We went to a house and the kids started fucking crying. It was fucking unreal. All these kids are fucking defective. Because they all lived in an area, guys, where it's people spinning their wheels. That Studio City is a beautiful area, and I miss it. But it's an area where it's a bunch of guys, 40 to 50, they're spinning their wheels.

They're going from show to show or just stroking themselves. I'm writing a script about the... Come on. That's four years before you see a check. You're living on a credit card and your kids are defective because you're putting them in school.

You're putting them in events that benefit you. Do you know that if we take our kid there, the writer from bad TV goes there, we could slip them a script? That's how people think. They start using their children as porn. And I saw it.

I fucking saw it, man. And I'm like, I don't want to raise her here. I got a razor somewhere where it's nitty gritty. I'd like to bring her back up north here. But this is a two-bit nitty-gritty right now. Let me take it down there. White people live, how they control themselves. I mean, she's like 13.

You take them to Newark and you drop them off and pick them up on an hour. You know what I'm saying? I just remember when you moved there within like three weeks because you were taking mercy to the parks. And you said, I'm fucking suing L.A. I had to bring my gun to the park. Look at these beautiful parks here.

He's every one of them. The shittiest park is a hundred times better than anything in L.A. He goes, what the fuck was I paying for all these years? Dogs, taxes, not taxes, litter. I realized I was living in Studio City, California, which is supposed to be, there was paper everywhere. On the floor in front of my fucking thing. Hollywood's fucking filthy.

Hollywood Boulevard is filthy. You know, and it was, listen, guys, it wasn't that. It served its purpose. I had a child now. I had to think outside the box a little bit. And, dog, the kids, she would have never played softball. I have a friend, a dear friend. Been on the church a thousand times.

I talk to him every week. And he went, we'll talk on a Saturday. And he'll go, what's that noise? And I'm like, that's the parents at the softball game. He goes, dog, I'm at my son's baseball game. The parents sit apart. and they all have things in their ears you know nobody talks

why do you sign your kid up for baseball why don't you it's a community thing you know what I have now and yeah my wife and daughter went to a fucking football game on Sunday the 12 you you know like where hillbillies like yeah you know I'm saying like on a Sunday where you going the county game yeah

what are you crazy I'm making strawberry shortcake I go to church I go home I want to eat some ass. No, we're probably a community now. But that's what kids need to grow up in. He was turning into a Jersey. Like, she talks shit to me constantly. Constantly.

Constantly. You know, that was always my biggest fear of moving back to the suburbs. I lived up here, North, Northburg and, you know, area and stuff. Work, you know, right in the city here. And then when I got married and had a kid, I got to go, I got to go back to the suburbs and make sure this kid has a lawn and friends and all the shit.

And then I was like, man, I'm going to have to hang out with. these parents. Oh, it's going to be awful. It's the greatest thing. Joe, you were over my house yesterday. Like three of the parents were there, all these dads. They're awesome.

And I was torturing that dude, telling cocaine stories. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was loving it. Yeah, yeah. Talking about pussy and this. Yeah. You don't think,

because like I understand about L.A. But if I'm being honest, if I ever have a kid, I want to raise that. I grew up in the suburbs and it's a great life. not saying anything bad about it. But I always wanted to live in the city. As a kid, there's just so much available to you. Like, did you ever think about raising him in the city? No. No? It's great until you're walking a kid in the park and a rat bites him in the ankle.

I guess, yeah. But there's no air. It's good to show your kid that you're here until about six or seven. And then you'll think to yourself too. This ain't no way to live with a kid. It's a nice dream. dream. It's like L.A. It's a nice dream for you to be part of a community, but you're just a part of people that they don't have a fucking life. They all do the same thing. It's just to be cool. It's just to be, and I'm not saying that's New York City. Right. Yeah, listen, I grew up in the city until I was 10. Look at me. I came out okay. Yeah. But I lived in the city city, right you know and i lived up one up to Harlem on the weekends and i did kinky shit and then when i was 10 i moved to north berg and new jersey which is like being in the city in those days right i see that

you were a skip and a jump and that's what i'm trying to say at one point the kids got to go to high school and the kids got that that's not that's you're spending 82 thousand a month to live like a fucking dumbarich to be who to be who right and he you know his you know kid wants to hang out with somebody who's got to take a subway down the third street to go hang out and then you got to hang oh you're going to hang out why they hang out are you going to take the subway back they'll pick her back up you know that's a that's a nightmare you live in the suburbs they're they just get dropped off they're hanging in your basement they're all sleeping over it's it's about the kids you can you can hang in the city most people hang in new york when they have a baby

to like three or four right and then when it comes to kid and guard in the first grade they move outside the city once they see a stabbing on the subway yeah yeah or somebody gets shout out the bodega. We love the bodega on the neighborhood. They have coffee and you keep buying that shit. You keep buying that shit. And one day you do the fucking math. And you

cannot be that stupid. You know, when you're a publisher like John Lennon, you know, when you're a fucking music publisher, like if you write your music and perform it and own it, that's paper. And one day you go, you know what? What are these people getting for their catalogs now?

Hundreds of millions of millions. $250, $300 million to sell 70% of it. All right. You get that. You pay your taxes. That's it. You look at that and you go, how long do I have on the planet Earth?

What am I going to do with that money? Okay, let's, I got kids. Over the years, I put them away. You know, I put away money. This is just choosing how I die type money. Guess what, Lee? Guess what, motherfucker? What?

I'm moving to Manhattan. Oh, yeah. You understand me? With that 200 million, because it doesn't matter. My kids ate. My wife's happy. I got a mistress. I got an 18-year-old chick that plays the bongos in Thailand.

I send out of checks every month. You know, it doesn't matter. But to really be, it's weird when you look at value, especially in today's world. And the most important word that I never read was to about 10 years ago. I don't want to sound like other people with the word quality of life. How are you really fucking living? You have to take two subways for this

and then you gotta get out there. Listen, the ferry's nice in September. I want to see you out there in January. Yep. Yeah. Waiting for that, yeah. Waiting for that ferry, you know. This is a heavy life.

Look, I don't want to drive around with spray paint in my car looking for a spot at night anymore. I did that. I got a driveway. I forgot about it when I'm looking for a spot up here and I'm like I have a fucking

I forgot I have a driveway I don't have to squeeze in spots up here and shit too you know that's how that you know just it you'll get it at some point we'll see I mean I don't I don't know

the thing that I like about it is there's all I can't tell you how I was bored in the suburbs and there's just always something to do you're exposed to so much as a kid like even like even up in like the city what do you look at you

looking at? Here we go. You're convinced she's pregnant. She's not pregnant. I didn't say anything. Yes, you every week. Every time I come in here with a, you're walking here with a fucking stye. You know, one minute we're talking football, the next minute you just drop on us, you're getting married, you know what I'm saying?

I know. Right around the fucking Christian holidays shit. Yeah, it's weird to get mad. Yeah. And now you're trying to sell me on having a kid in New York. This ain't the only I know. You're a fucking Jew, okay? I walked in. he had a glow.

I'm like, what the fuck's up? Yeah, all of a sudden now. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to raise a kid in New York. Yeah, fuck you. That's great. He's asking if you get bitten the ankle by a rat. Don't you ever hear about the rat problem?

The rats hide from you. Yeah, yeah, they hide from you. Wait, do you have a kid? They got that different vision. I was wondering why you were asking if have any old baby clothes. Yeah. What was that all about? Oh, I'm trying to get it for free.

Poor bastard. I'm going to raise my kid in the city. That's great. I've always wanted to, too. Listen, I love to, too. I would love to, too. But the first time you go to Jersey and you look around, it's a no-brainer. First time you go to Alpine and you go to Anglewood Cliffs.

And you see how those fucking gangsters live, where Eddie Murphy lives and Whitney Houston live. And you're like, I want to be in the city. Yeah, I got to go up to a idiot to get my car and I got to pay rent for my car with my child. And I got a car seat, bring it down four flights of stairs, Mr. Genius. And come on. It's a no fucking, that's why they moved there. Right. Even Mike Tyson and everybody, right there.

Like the Knicks, the Nets, the Yankees. You think they live in that hell whole for two or three years until the accountant goes, listen, listen, G, money. Right across that wall, it's a lot cheaper. And that paper is a little better in taxes. It's just not much, but you want space for your child. Right. They want all these fucking things. Look at the fucking schools in New York.

York. Who are you got teaching these kids? Even these fucking private schools in New York. You know, it's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. I'm sure it is. And I appreciate where you're coming from. Isn't it a nightmare everywhere, though?

Yes and no, but you have to choose your fucking nightmare. Right. That's where you come in and go and find. Okay, I'm going to die slowly. But I'm going to choose my fucking poison here. And if my poison is going to be, listen, I have a friend that lives in Atlantic city and drives to this city five

days a week. That's two and a half hours. At one point, one way or two ways? One way. Do the fucking math. At one point am I driving and I just take the gun. Right at the fucking where it says

easy toll right there. Boom! Come on, man. Yeah. Fuck that. I love to rock and roll. Come on. I got rock and roll my blood. But I'm also an old, hey, how are you doing? I'm also an old fucking man.

And I know my timing. And I don't have that hour. Right. Just my back goes kaput. I could throw, yesterday, I was throwing kettlebells. Just yesterday, I was doing deadlift. I did a deadlift that was so heavy. I had to go home a nap for two hours.

They jolted my system. I thought I was putting off. 25s? Right. I put 245s. Oh, shit. And I was warmed up and everything. And I went, boom.

And I lived first one, I was like, oh, God. Even my knee was shaking I went back down I ended up doing three of them I was like that's good for the time I'd hold on to the bike for a minute You did three everyone walked right to the car

No no no I did three And then I went over and did some shit To get my breath back And then I jumped on the light kettlebell I did 15 of those And I was like that's good I've been at the hospital a week What am I?

Hercules all of a sudden I had a milkshake or two With fucking with creatine in it Who am I? You know what I'm saying? Right I got to build it up I have a heart attack

fucking craziness i don't i don't know what the fuck i like that's the thing is like just get married i'm working on he's one of these fucking jews that'll drive you crazy he's gonna shoot himself one day you think you give him a good edibles talking about right because his mind if i give him the same edible that mercyate he'll go with a hundred ways like that because he's already thinking about all this shit no he's got to think about as being funny That's it He's getting married She's in charge of all that

You gotta fit into the tuxedo And show up That's gonna be another one I hope she's not going for a fitting Next week Because that's not gonna be Bueno by the time you get to that thing No that's why

That's why I've been good I've been good I have I saw that before He just said three hot dogs Yeah One hot dog god damn Don't wrap me out

One hot dog I did have three pieces of press I was trying to get one I can't wait to see that tuxedo with a button with the fucking button holding on with a Diwali on one side there's going to be a monkey at the wedding

anything like that? Two of them Oh dude I got surprises for you at the wedding I'm so excited I have stuff at the wedding just to piss you off we're having a whole hummus table I'm doing a lot of shit at the wedding just to get you I bumped into somebody yesterday

but I have to give me your number okay because they were at the table with us at the Halloween party And they're almost as retarded as you are. They're getting married on Sunday to 28th. Of December? Oh, I wouldn't do that.

First of all, Saturday is a good day. And you know, that's the best week of the goddamn. I know it's close to cry. What have I asked you for? 17th is bowl games. Right. What bowl? Who, when do you watch a ball?

I've known you for 15 years. You're not watched one single bowl game. If you're getting married on that day, I'm watching every one of those fucking things. People, people keep asking, oh, I'm going to have a TV there. Do you have a TV there? You do you forget that my dear friend and he'll be the fucking witness, went, rent to the room, took a TV from the room, asked the custodian for an extension cord,

and put the TV at the wedding table to watch Nebraska, Colorado. Okay? At the divorce. my wife brought it up. His animal will ruin our wedding. He put a TV at the wedding table and he met Nebraska. Well, yeah, well, you first of all...

I was an idiot. I got married September 9th, 89. That's the beginning of the football season. Go fuck yourself. But you don't like college football. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You're intruding in somebody else's time.

Yeah. There's guys out there going fuck. It's an Indian family and a Jewish family. Not one person watches college football. What Jews? What are you going to have Jews in Indian? I can't wait to see what that place smells like at the end of the night.

You know exactly the smell like Montemals and curry. You know exactly what he's smelling. Fucking Duwali fucking cookies. Oh my God. It's going to be the best. And comics used to get married on Sundays because all the comics are working Friday

and Saturday. I'm going to get a job then, man. I got a big fucking job. I'm doing a dojo. You want to be on the show? No, I'm doing like 10 shows. Bye. People keep asking me if you're coming

and I'm like, I'll find out that day. You'll find out that day. Because you want me to say the truth, you fucked up. How did I fuck up? Because my wife wanted to go away this Christmas. It's her birthday on the 29th,

so she wanted to come back after her birthday for New Year, so we had two or three days. That's what you're fucking dealing with right now. Okay, if you guys can't make it, that's cool. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but who the fuck gets married that weekend, Lee? Apparently two people in your life. You didn't consult with us.

You didn't fucking come to the boy. Ask you what day to get married? Yeah. Consultant. April is when people get fucking married. Right at the beginning of baseball season because nobody cares about the Yankees of baseball yet. The only thing that's playing is basketball. They're in the playoffs.

I don't look at the sports schedule when I'm looking to get married. Everybody should. Trust me. That's a weird week between Christmas and New Year's too. It's the best week of the year. Yeah, but a lot of people are out of town. And that's the best. No, it's not.

Sometimes are rough. Some of these kids are not getting a gift because they got to go to the year. fucking wedding on the 27th. Whose kid is not getting a gift because they have to go to the wedding? Everyone lives around here. That's what I'm saying to you. You pick the time of the year that's rough. New Year's is two days later.

You understand me? At least get married on New Year's. If you're going to keep me out. You and I both know, I'd get yelled at 8,000 more times for them. Get married at six and get everybody out of that by nine and go do Wally at your own fucking house. You know what I'm saying? Go jump up and like candles and play the organ.

Why don't you get married on the Chinese New Year? Yeah. When's that? I don't know. Me either Oh my God And there was no day That would work for you

The only day that would work It would be like February 44th No No no no You're my brother I love you to fucking I love you too But again Lee

Again When you have family You sit everybody down And you go This what's going on In my world right now What do I do And you cannot get married

It's just a bad time It's two days after Christmas And you're also obsessed With this open bar which we're going to have, but you don't even drink. You have all these opinions about things that doesn't matter to you. Because I want to people to understand. You're taking people out of a night for you.

What are you doing December 27th? It doesn't matter. You don't do shit December 27th. You're home scratching my boss. I don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of foreigners jumping up and down. You know what I'm saying? Smelling like eggs. You don't say?

If I could be blunt with you, I know the things I want to do, and that isn't on my list. We all have a bucket list. I'm 62 years old. I've seen it all. Unless she's going to have some Indian chicks taking fucking flames out of that pussy with the little dots on their head.

I'm in. But, you know, I love you to death. But who the fuck does the 27? I'm going to show you something. I'm going to show you something. I'm going to show you something. I just found the other day. And this is why I just don't understand people.

I'm a fucking criminal, man. But I'm a different fucking type of criminal. I don't know. Somebody called me a soft. couple weeks ago. They were like, you know what, man, you're a little on the soft side. I was like, you know what I went through in my life? For you to call me soft, you stupid motherfucker?

How many people are going to be at the wedding? Like 80, 80 or 100? How much? What do you mean? Oh, there's like nothing. I'm getting yelled at every day by my entire family. We have to invite cousins who I've never met to the wedding. Oh, that's...

How many are you going to be your family? Like half and half. Okay. Somebody sent me, they found an invitation to my wedding. Oh. Yeah. And I sat and I looked at it the other day, and I'm like, you know, at the time, I sacrificed, because you get married to get gifts.

I sacrificed all the gifts. And if anybody could have you used a gift at that time, it was me. I was living in a single apartment with 10 fucking cats. Oh, the second wedding. Okay. I thought you meant the Colorado way. wedding. And I remember calling her up and going, listen, we're going to get married. We're going to do this. But she was very smart. She goes, I got to get this motherfucker while he's

because she knows that I changed my mind like the fucking wind. So she came home. We started talking about. I called her dad. And we both settled on one thing. We both went for what we both didn't like about weddings. And that was women want to get married and they don't think about anybody but themselves okay not the dress code not talking about a little stupid dress code because i go to a wedding dress how the fuck i want to if i got to sit here for three hours i'm going with sweats and sneakers i don't really give a fuck about you what you're dressed who has a dress i'm not we don't have a dress coat it's not the dress coat it's just uh who's the best man no one we don't it's going to be it's going to be a 20 minute ceremony no religion and it's

going to be a party after that's it you know and me and my wife talked about and we go how we're going to do this do we want to go to tennessee do i want to come back to jersey i'm a felon i want to come back here and have a wedding uh oh it's got olden beans and kiss me and shit so we both look at each other we go what works i'm a comic man i know that no comic is going to be there on a fucking saturday i know this my life is comics i don't talk to nobody so i got married on a lot Wednesday before Thanksgiving. And I told people, don't bring a gift, because I didn't want to impose on anybody. When I invite you to a wedding, it's three hours out of your night, and I'm imposing

on you. And I'm not saying you. This is how I feel about all these fucking things. It's been years. At least I'm not having a vegan wedding like Felipe. Listen, I'm not talking about you, brother. I get it. I'm talking about anybody in general because it didn't.

It went from us going to Woodbridge. When you, 80s, 90s, you went to Woodbridge. Yeah. How many times you go to Woodbridge? What's the name? El Sol, what's the name of that fucking joint that has 20 weddings at once and fucking wood, what? The siesta. Yeah.

That's where you went. Everybody went there. And I can live with that on a Saturday, Friday night to have a basketball party. You snorted Coke. You rolled in there fucked up. Everybody knew the rules. At every wedding you went in those days, parents were crying. All the women were crying.

I can't believe he did it again. He promised. Not at the wedding. Fuck you. You bought this. fucking thing. You bought this line that this guy was not going to fucking... I remember they had a wedding in North

Mergin and they robbed the purse. They robbed the purse by Veneeris across the streets. Who's they? They used to be a little wedding home. I mean, I was in that night. They robbed the purse. I mean, it's just... And I always said to myself, but then I got the weirdest fucking thing.

I got to invite Jimmy Florentine from a girl that was hot and wanted to get hotter so she got fake tits. I told the story, and she got fake tits in September. She debuted him. They were beautiful. She was younger than me.

I couldn't even score with it. I was a bum living on the Ralphie Mae's floor. She lived upstairs. By this time, I had met Terry. I moved in with Terry, and one night she gives me an invite in the mail. Somebody called me. They go, Lori wants your address. And I looked at this, and as much as I love Lori, I had to say something to her.

Her wedding was December. New Year's Day but she wanted you to fly to Mexico on December 26 I was fucking so insulted like I'm like and you had to stay till the fourth

I didn't tell you that yet so nine days or something for you to that's not fair to me the 26 I don't know about you but on the 26 90% of people in this country are going to have bunny rabbities

Think about it We're going to have bun, not me But there's a lot of Americans They're going to have bunny rabbit ears Right A lot of Americans right now Working hand to mine I'm not saying you Lee

I get it I'm talking about this shit That you have to think about this You know I don't know I don't fucking know I really want to go to your wedding You're my brother

I really want to go to your wedding But like I said My wife wanted to get the fuck out of here this year And not go to Tennessee I don't want to put up with that shit again with the organs somewhere no no no why somewhere close you don't want to get lost during the holidays either i don't want to be that assort for plane we got we're here for three days there's a snowstorm if you can't if you can't make it it's cool you got to be back here by

the 26 or the 26 i was going to say there's no way you're going to be at at the airports around you every year you know we never left l.A during Christmas specifically because you're not going to the goddamn airport but i got a fucking child okay and she wants to get the Where else do you want to be in around Christmas time than New York? Miami Beach. With Jews? With Cubans. Okay.

And I'll tell you what. Just so you motherfuckers know. Because if you don't know, now you know. Ready? JSX. Now flies out of New York City. And they fly direct to Miami. Boboon for $380 fucking dollars or something like that.

So if you're stuck, you don't have to go to Newark no more. It's a little airport in New York City. Look it up on your website. they just started fucking doing it. Nice. No, you don't have to go to what? The city, motherfucker. Wow.

NYC. They're flying direct. Only like two or three fucking places. But that's where they're starting. They got a lease there until next June or something like that. I'm praying that they go to Tennessee, so I go to Tennessee with them. You know what I'm saying? JSX, that's how white people travel.

All right? And it don't cost you an arm and a fucking leg. You pull up with your car. They sense you. You go on the fucking thing. It's only 34 people on the plane. And the planes are halfway, they're halfway fucking full. Three times I've flown.

Everybody flies in Vegas to fucking California, Burbank. That shit, southwest, that's, yeah, that's ice people. It's, it's in New York. Maybe that was the place where Epstein's plane was going out, going down to Palm Beach. Because I was going out of New York. I don't even think that was going out of Tito Borough. I don't know what the fuck is doing. I know about that world

I know. No, do I want to know? That doesn't involve me. To be honest, I was surprised that you were even considering coming. Joey always goes away between Christmas and New Year's. Never once. Never once has he gone away. In Jersey, right, you have, right? Then you go to Tennessee a couple times. I went to Tennessee one time, but I came home the next day.

Right, yeah. Exactly. That's why I'm doing it in right in the city. It's going to be super easy. There's tons of parking nearby. Don't tell what people. I'm not. I'm not. You're going to get mugged before. That's what I need is to get mugged with a tuxedo

All in one All in you get beat up with a tuxedo All in one place If you call me and say you got beat up with a tuxedo Oh that night of your wedding I would be so fucking happy Oh thank you so much I appreciate that

I would be fucking this I'd be blowing This wedding is going to be so easy It's all in one place It's going to be easy It's nothing but good food There are a couple things to piss you off Which is going to just like Even if you're not there

I just know There's a lot of fire on this So I understand The week between Chris Oh shoes are mandatory No. Yeah. We have sandals for you out the door. No. Coverage shoes. No open feeling. You're killing me. The week between Christmas and New Year's is like the busiest week in New York City. You try to go in New York those days. If you're driving, our weight at each tunnel. Everybody's coming to New York. It's all tourists between that week. The city is packed. I'll take an Uber over to his wedding. I'll take an Uber to the I'll drive up to Edgewater.

We hawking, take the ferry over. I'll be out there with those penguins out there freezing. And that's what I'll do. I'll shoot right over. I'll go over, take like a gentleman. I'll sit on the fucking thing. And once I land in New York City, I take an Uber, straight to your little fucking entourage party over there.

Oh, I can't. I'm going to talk to the in-laws and have them do all of the Indian stuff. We're going to put like Hannah on your arm. Listen to me. That's when I walked out. And I tipped away and I go, good night. And you know me, dog. I ain't much into saying goodbyes.

You'll be sitting in the middle of Diwali, there's a Lanham. Duvali's over. Diwali's right now. I don't know. First of all, Saul Mubarak, told my Indian people. Listen, Samarka. I'll be on the way back to the ferry. I showed up.

I did my job. There you go. Leave the envelope and that's all that matters. What envelope? December 27. I'm showing up tapped. I got bunny rabbit ears, you know what I'm saying? No, we got security at the door making sure you've got to go.

You're going to have fucking curry and shit, goat. There might even be live animals there like coming to America. What the fuck out of here? We're going to kill an animal right at it. Roasted it right on the street. It's going to be great. It was just, I don't know. It was just.

Listen, man, I lived into suburbs in L.A. Those weren't suburbs. They would just make believe. houses with people with fucking dreams with the wrong intentions. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's why they're lost. They got dreams, but they got the wrong

fucking intentions. They're trying to do it to hang out with Billy Idol and jump up and down with people at premieres and shit like that. I just wanted to not be a felon, make money, and get the fuck out of it. And I like it here. I really do. I like... It took me a little time to adjust.

I went through some anxiety. I went through some mental issues. You know what I'm saying? But I started eating edibles again and everything started working out my life. When did you stop eating edibles? I took a little breather there for a while. You did not for like, what, an hour? You always say, oh, we're taking a break and then I call you six minutes later and you have edibles. I'm bored.

That's what you do when you're boredly. You fucking get, like Saturday night, I talk to somebody and if I had heroin, I would have done it Saturday night. Just a little taste just to get me out of the house and go somewhere for a drive and maybe cut somebody off on the nine or something like that. what are your what are your friends think of joey like when he comes over for football and then he leaves well first of all why one friend he didn't even joey gave him an edible last super bowl he didn't even make kickoff he had to call his wife to get him to drive him home really he's been there every year 12 years in a row he by say kickoff was 637 by 610 he was out cold his wife had to pick him up he didn't even make kickoff oh what did the wife think was the wife pissed off no she knows

and then my older brother his wife had to tell him he's like 65 he's like listen you can't be doing that Joey Diaz stuff you're staggering around you're almost falling down the stairs what are you doing you're not 20 years old anymore

my god yeah Joe fucked up the other guy Costco yeah I fucked him up one day opening day you did yeah he just laid down he laid down on the floor he didn't move for like to the

it was through a one o'clock game the four o'clock game and the night game started. He got up in the first quarter. He was down for like seven hours. The first season, Jimmy cut a deal with me. He goes,

just bring goodies for the guys. Don't, don't worry about anything else. So I would bring gadgets and they would lose their fucking minds. And there was one guy I kept putting those ABX tablets in his fucking soda and his beer.

Oh, yeah. Like 10 of them, they would. Because he came over to first week, goes that guy's a fucking problem he needs to calm down i'm gonna dose him next week we need some peace in this basement and he fucking was dosed him oh listen man i hadn't been you got to remember something what jimmy does on sundays is a is a forgotten fucking thing because in l.a people did it but think about it when i first got to l.a it was that manager that did it that had the house on sundays

Yeah, they played wiffle ball or something. Yeah, like, everything was fake. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But they were all trying to run jokes by the guy and shit like that. I never showed up. And then there was somebody else who did it. But he was a celebrity. So you had to go over there.

And Kimmel used to do it, too. Jimmy Kimmel used to do it, too. Yeah, I never hung out with that fucking freak. You know, I got out with those creepy people and shit. Right. But, yeah, I don't, you know, there was somebody else who did it. But then I went to your house that first Sunday. And I was blown the fuck away because nobody gave a fuck.

Racial slurs that you think she sucks, dick. You know, like every announcer, she's dead. And they got three TVs going like Puerto Ricans, one over the bar. The big one, and now they got a little one down below. Yeah. So you can catch that third game. I mean, you can't write this shit. Sandwiches, pizzas, cookies, Kentucky Fried Chicken, every weekend.

is a new disaster. Every week I go home, shit in blood. White castles fucking John brings McDonald's cheeseburgers. 50 of them. You're going to eat one. McDonald's has a special thing in them that once you buy them, it's not pulling in. They don't

get you to pull in. It's once somebody buys them and says, ah, I brought McDonald's for everybody. You're like, I'm not going to eat those. And after about an hour, you're like, fuck, I'll take a Big Mac. And you feel bad about yourself, but it ain't that bad. And at least You didn't drive into the driveway.

Right. You know what I'm saying? Nobody caught you on the, they have a bunch of, they have a bunch of surveillance pictures. Oh, yeah. Of Lee in the old days with a mustache with Chinese eyes and shit. Me,

you want the cheese bugger. Yeah, it's like he brings off like 50. I'm the first week. That's awesome. I warned Joe. I said, Joey, there's a couple guys that are out of control.

He goes, I grew up with guys. Don't worry. It'd be fine, man. They could say whatever they want. I remember you left and I walk you to the car. And I go. you have a good time.

He goes, he turns right, goes, I haven't seen motherfuckers like that in 50 years. All those guys are dead. Raw. Raw. Right. It was raw down there. It was raw.

And the second week, a guy came out of bathroom naked. What? He chased, Joey got him so fucked up. He got naked and was chasing Joey around the basement, naked. Yeah.

Both of him running. Oh, yeah. I have a picture of his ass on my phone until this day. I love him. He's Jewish. He's fucking a. trip you met him oh yeah oh there was that guy yeah crazy motherfucker and then i remember you said to you called rogan like a few weeks after you're here he goes i was just in jimmy florentine's

basement a 56 year old man just chased me around the basement naked this is where i need to be jo i'm around my people it was such a fucking you know you go to these comedy football like i never went to comedy anything because everybody's trying to come funny everyone. Yeah. I don't want to hear jokes. I want to come see the fucking football game. I want to hear jokes. I'll go for your jokes. You know, you just want to be natural. And that's what I had. Your house, I'm very natural.

In fact, I don't say dick. I go off for a little while. I fart. Because I'm the king of the farts. I'll fart by people and shit on. I'll blow their fucking wigs off. That's great. You have a couple of those McDonald's cheeseburgers and then just fart? No, no, no, no, no.

No. Those McDonald's cheeseburgers sit through your fucking stomach. You blow those out of your ass way later when you least expected. When I did those deadlifts. Yeah. Those deadlifts, the first one, when I put a down dog, I had to walk over and all some, I smelled something. Oh, my God.

Whatever was in my stomach for two weeks is starting to come out right now. Two weeks. And then I started doing fucking on the pull, you know how to have the bar? Yeah. That you push up the symmetric bar. I started doing sets of 10. And I saw a guy walk behind me. He started looking around one of those Sunday guys

with the thick mustache and the glasses. I could smell it. It was pure shit. It was pure shit. I had about six minutes left in the workout. I did those kettlebell swings, a couple of yoga fucking stretches. And I got in that car and I zoomed home

because it came out in one chunk. You understand me? How did you have to wipe it? He just came out like a fucking dragon. And with that, Draft Kings wants to talk to you about the NBA season. Let's take a bump here. We'll be right back. All right, Uncle Joey here.

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Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable pick-six bonus picks that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. We're back, Jack! You know, Jimmy? You know what the best thing about that? I'm happy to be back in Jersey. Like, I'm really happy to be.

like now I'm enjoying Jersey for like when I first lived in Jersey I didn't leave this area you know I didn't leave this fucking area this is it Jack this was as good as it got this was a utopia but now I get to see other parts of Jersey

and I go to these different places like we went to a softball game in Newark and George was telling me that Belmont Tavern was over there you know that's like an historic fucking restaurant you know they got great little places like that listen everything I was going to do in New York City, I did already.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I went to the best concerts. I went to the best fucking nick games. I went to see the Rangers and the Islanders on like a Thursday night. I fucking, you know, what bands didn't I go see? What bands didn't I see that was small

in a little place? I saw a fucking prince at a little fucking place. One of those ritses with fucking Sheila E. With 20 bucks, that'll never happen again. Like shit like that. So in my world, like, what used to I have in the city? I went over there last summer, this summer. I went over there and got a hotel room with my wife, mid-Manhattan.

And it was great. I liked the park. But that's not the city I remember. I like it, but it's fucking quiet. It's quiet, guys. It's fucking quiet on a Friday night. Unless you go to the village or, you know, by the comedy clubs or something like that. Yeah, she had an oldie outgrower, too.

You're not growing up. What are we going to do? They go to a club at 62 and make-believe them cool. I'm over here with Lee at VIP. I'm always at the VIP. You know where I went this summer? I've never been a big concert guy, but I went to see a concert at Jones Beach on Long Island.

That shit was cool. It was right on the beach. Oh, yeah, that's a good spot. And they had the comfortable chair. It was a great experience. What did you say? Gougu dolls. Yeah.

That was her thing. But I don't know anything about the band, but the place, it was literally right on the ocean. It was cool as fuck. I know you don't like who. I don't like him either, but that's fine. Lee, sometimes don't talk about those things. Listen, you weren't to go see Billy Island.

Don't talk about those things. I didn't go see Billy Island. Yes, you did. Oh, when? Sometime in LA, you didn't go? No, why would I go to fucking? This is what I'm saying. No, if your daughter wants to go see a Billy Elish or a Taylor Swift,

as a dad, you take them. Right. You know, to go to Google Dolls without a. Any kids involved? I'm just saying. They're like 80 years old. They're your guys' age. I don't know.

Sit there and hold her and make believe like you're that fucking couple from they got busted. You know what I'm saying? That was us, yeah. But it was cool. I've never done anything like that. New York has a ton of cool things. I'm not saying that.

But I'm saying that for my demographic and for what I'm into right now, there's no use for it anymore. I like that. It's that. It's that. It's right fucking there. It's right there. If I want to get to it, there's a thousand ways to get into the city.

Helicopter jet. Fucking, I can even find two Japs that'll take you over there with those rickshaws. You know what I'm saying? In the fucking high handicap lane. This is New York City, dog. They'll get you in there. You've been obsessed with rickshaws for the entire. You have to get a rickshaw this year.

I've got to get a driver. And that's rough right now. There's people got sensitive feet. You can't just. a rickshaw with sneakers on. Why? Because that's not tradition. People want to see you run on the fucking, on Route 3

with fucking outrun that fucking right off that ramp, that little Japanese guy with a bowl of rice. He whipping him, go, go, Cheeto. Holy shit. Anyway, thanks for fucking making this. Now this podcast

definitely going to be 25 and over. What did I say? I said I went to Jones Beach to see a call him to You're the ones talking about Japanese guys with those shoes. I went to Jones Beach to see, you know. Maybe you get the Google Dolls to play your wedding. I would try to. They're fucking expensive.

What is the song you're playing at the wedding? Come on. Yeah, what's the song? What's the song? I don't know. I don't know shit about Google. Come on. Come on.

I have no idea what fucking song we're playing. They just put a gunty head. All right. There's a song we're listening to it. Some fucking people are going to come on. Oh, yeah. We're having an Indian band. What's the wedding song going to be?

your wedding son? I have no idea. Come on, you know. I don't. So you don't have any saying. Come on. Go for stranglehold. I don't give a shit about music. Go for stranglehold. Stranglehold? I don't think that's a that doesn't seem like a wedding song. Can't worry about it. Just fucking argue from the gate. I'm not getting married unless Ted

shows up. You know what I'm saying? I think the Indians will love Ted Nudgeon. I think the Indians, whatever, the Indians and the Jews would love a Ted Nudgeon. The more Indians you say, the less chances I'm going to show up. I know. Somebody better out of picket's out of all these Indians something

because I'm going to hit the number that night you know what I'm saying I'm saying I'm going to hit 604 I'm putting you're going to let those Indians know Dude we're not even having a sign seats except for you I'm putting you in the middle of all the Indians sign oh you're not

because right there is why I disappear I just I'm going to take like a hat just so you know I'm like I'm like Hannibal elected that night I'm just going to leave a little hat maybe even spark a joint and leave it there have burnt so you see the smoking like what happened to him? Smoke Jesus we're having almost no dancing at the wedding

they're going to lift us up in the chairs for the Jews have like one dance and that's it That's not happening what do you mean what's not you have to lift me up You have to lift me up but you listen that's not happening I got a bad back You know what I'm saying? Look what happened did the squats the other day Yeah I don't need that in my life

fucking hysterical What's wrong with these fucking people? I need this. You got to do a chair. You have to. That's the only reason I'm going to marry. That chair is. That chair is breaking, dog.

Oh, yeah. We're going to reinforce chair. And I'm in on the break. I'm suing too. I'm suing sign. They're going to be lawyers, Indians. Everybody's there. Everybody's going to be there.

Dog, if you got hurt that wedding, that's going to be tremendous. They got lawyers and half those fucking Indians, the doctors is going to be great. Rubbing your feet and shit. And pharmacists. Huh? And pharmacist. Yeah. I got you covered from A to Z.

All right. Well, better have been some vikins. You're going to break the glass, too. Stop in the glass and breaking it. I'm going to slip on it. I'm going to tough. Oh, fucking weird.

We're suing. We're doing everything. We're doing everything. Holy shit, dude. Oh, you're going to get high before your wedding. You're going to take. I know he's going to try to get him to get high.

Who? What are you going to be high during his wedding or before doing the vows and stuff? You got to take one door to day. Look at him. If he gets married, he'll get a beating. he'll get beat up at the wedding we'll get thrown out well who did this to you

no one beat me up who did this to you wow this is this is a new one can you imagine if this motherfucker goes to the wedding he's 100 pounds who's gonna get me up you remember the night he was front of the camera

like this and he was just going from side to side like a fucking pinball machine what here when you need 500 million yeah it wasn't 500 yes it was it was 110 go back to the tape it's a 500 you always it's just 500 milligrams

who can like Let's put a fucking... No, I got to drive back to Massachusetts. That's okay. You need a little driving you come. It won't kick in for like a half hour. Yeah, I'll and I have a four-hour drive. This is a squirder.

This is $150. A squirder. Yeah, this is a good one. I'll take whatever you want next week. I can't take any of the night. What are you going to take one the day of your wedding, though, before? Probably a little something. Already he's going back.

I'll take one next week. Yeah, I got to drive back to Massachusetts. What an embarrassment. Oh, my God. Unfucking believable. Meanwhile, your car is 8,000 dents. It's always in the fucking. shop, because you keep taking those things and you drive by sound and see what happens.

What's I got to do with the price say? What do you mean? What is it got to do? You don't even take a nibble. You don't even if you let a nibble. You let a man. How much I take, even if I took a nibble, I'd get yelled at for the low nibble. Something for the doctor.

Something for the doctor. Jesus Christ. Something to make the right go a little easier. Does he like antagonize your friends or is he nice to your friends? No, I mean, you know, they just take them. Yeah, they go, okay, no problem, I'll take it. There's 15 years of me taking it, and no matter how much I take it, it's never enough. You believe this?

This is every Monday. Oh, my God. A story and a half. What story? I got to drive. I'll take it next week. Right, there was a time right there. A few months ago, Lee stayed over.

He didn't even make it to the hotel around the corner. He passed out of your house, didn't he? You gave him something. Oh, yeah. He didn't even make it to the hotel, the Hampton Inn. Oh, that's all the time. No, no, no. That was one time.

I forgot about that. Yeah. That was funny. I came over and you, I think it was, like, during, like, the time when I was, like, on the deep in the diet had nothing. You gave me edibles and mushrooms. I had a hotel room and didn't make it to the hotel. I didn't even, I walked in. One night he walked in so high with a piece of pizza.

Oh, yeah. There's a Chinese woman working mine. She hated me the whole time. And Lee walked past it and then walked back and he opened up the pizza and he's like, you want a piece. She's like, are you fucking crazy? He told me the next moment. I don't wonder they hate you over there. Oh, they hate me.

Because I was there like 18 times. And there's one woman. I've never had anyone at a whole. I was high as fuck. It was the first time I came to visit you. Steve Simone got the place I was this weekend. He got a tomato pie. And yeah, I was being a gentleman offering it.

And yeah, looking back on it, I was slurring my words and fucked up. So I can understand why she didn't want some pizza. And she was working there the whole time. She hated me every time I came to that hotel. very nice you know Jim what's funny that we're older now we grew up in this fucking armpit

you know what I'm saying like we grew up here like this is I was gone for a long time but now I feel like after five years that now I see it for what it is you know I don't have to use ways as much because this guy always asked me how did you get here I have no fucking idea I just wrestling the fucking car and it tells you

the best way if there's an accident, whatever the fuck. But it's just so fucking weird that we're here. I always knew I wasn't going to stay in California. I always knew that. There was no way I was buying a house in California. I went and looked at like two of them. Me and my wife were like, no fucking way. We're getting out of here, especially once we had the kid.

It was all about the fucking kid, man. Yeah. Everything else is background. I did what I had to do. Nothing else was going to happen. I was there 23 years. What am I holding on to? Yeah, I never even...

I would just go out there for like a few weeks or a month at a time to our pilot season and then go, yeah, I just never... I didn't like it. I was there five years too long. Right. I should have left there right after that Netflix thing. I knew, but that was it. It was my...

That's it. I had done what I was going to do at the store. I was having the best sets in the world. I'm happy I stayed to the pandemic, but... I'm just happy you said, yeah, I'll get your real. And the rest was fucking history, dog. No games, no fucking nothing. We just went to work.

Did you make your sister-in-law give you a little piece of the commission? No. No, but I'll never forget. I didn't see Joey for like 15 years. Okay. I don't know. We just weren't running in the same circles. And I was at the comedy store one night and I was in the belly room.

And Joey was on the show, me, my manager, Jonathan, watched him. I never saw a guy. kill like Joey kill for fucking 20 minutes. It was just went up there like a fucking maniac. You act at that comedy. It was un, I never seen anything like it. And you would be pooped after those 20 minutes. Right.

You get off stage and what the fuck was that? I felt like a kicking dummy. Like somebody was kicking me for 20 minutes straight. Right. And you said you had to go, you were there. Then you went to the main room. Then you were, you know, the original room. And you'd have to follow like killers like DeLea in his prime and guys like that,

bar and stuff like that. So you're going to have these monsters. The first six months that I went back, it was fucking school. Just following Allie Wong when I was like, holy shit. I went up there with Ricky Dickie jokes after Allie Wong. You're not going to do too good.

You know, it was an education. It really was the best education I ever gotten. But it's funny. When I first met you in 97, I asked you where you were from. You said Jersey. You told me old bridge. In those days, that was like telling me, Transylvania.

I didn't know what the fuck Old Bridge was. I knew Hudson County, Bayonne, Vineland, you know. But I asked you where you lived at the time, and you said, Wee-Hawking. And I was, like, amazed. Like, I'm like, this motherfucker's got it. He lives in We-Hawking, and he does comedy in the city. That's fucking genius. And then years late, I saw that you were on Howard Stern.

I was blown the fuck away. I was like, and then, you. And you want Ozzy's bono, which you still are. It's crazy. You're still fucking on there. That's fucking tremendous. Like 15 years now, yeah. No, I used to live right on Gregory Avenue.

That was the last street right before going down down to the tunnel, down the Lincoln Tunnel. So I used to take the little jitney bus into the city every night. You know, a dollar, dollar. They let you off in the middle of a... But that's when it was manageable. Yeah. They would let you off in the Lincoln Tunnel if you wanted to. As soon as you got in traffic outside, you got the tunnel.

Yeah, get out. Let me out here. And they'd just let you out. the problem was you had to wait for that bus to fill up at the end of the night at like two in the morning when I was done by spots you're sitting on it there's three people and I'm like come on just fucking go already and just waiting for a bunch of all the Spanish drunks to show up so I could fill that bus up take you back but it was fucking awesome I was right there I needed to be that spot and that was another place was nine hundred dollars we had three people living in the place three hundred bucks each it's just so weird that I missed the boat I always want to come to New York But then I got involved and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then once I got here, I'm like, I'm not driving into the city every fucking night. There's no way I was doing.

You've never been in the city at night. And you believe that shit. I know. It's crazy. I've done five shows in the city, those places at Sony Hall. Right. But beside that, the two nights I went in with my wife,

I walked around like a dodo bird. And I've been in there in the daytime a few times. But it's funny that, you know, for years, we would tell stories on podcasts and shit like that and people would, you know, pull you aside or pull me aside and go, what the fuck did you grow up that you had that type of lifestyle? Like what you failed when I failed to tell these people is that home I go to on Sundays to watch football.

These guys have known each other since there was six or seven. Yeah, first grade. First grade. You don't see that. That's real. He's got a friend that was a bouncer in the village and wrote a book. The guy's one of these guys that's a tough guy. I could tell he's kind of smart, you know, and he's got a good heart for you.

And this is one of those guys that if you get into a beef, he'll die for you. If he loves you, this type of guy, they die for you. This ain't no guy in Hollywood that goes to kickboxing class at 6 in the morning. He eats kickboxes for lunch. Tell him what he told me the other day. when we asked him what his fighting record was. He was a bouncer in the village for 10 straight years. Okay.

At this place called the Red Lion. I said, Kevin, tell Joey what your record is fighting. He said, 227, 94, and 2. He kept track of everybody. Now, there's people who you know they're lying to you. He ain't lying. By looking at this guy, you just know. He's the last.

to those guys that, you know, you're not going to talk to them about toxic masculinity, you know, because he's going to knock you. He doesn't even know what that is. He's another guy who gave him a joint. And he said he was hired for two days. Yeah, yeah. He said he couldn't go to work the next day. You know, yeah, you're not fighting anybody after one of Joey's joints.

But it's just crazy when you meet these guys that are real. You're meeting people that are fucking real. This is a real guy that gets up and took the bus over there. and drank from the morning. He was telling us. He would start drinking the morning. I had to work the doors. And when you meet those kind of people,

and they're real. These guys aren't, this isn't fucking St. Elmo's fire. This isn't one of these Hollywood movies. This isn't Ocean's 11, where George Clooney, they're all friends, and they all hang out,

because they really don't. They really don't. When you go down to that basement on Sundays, you feel it. You're like, okay, I'm somewhere. I don't know. these guys, but I do know these guys. I grew up with these guys. One guy's yelling racial slurs. The other guy's talking about the giants. The other guy, the two guys in the back

talking about property taxes. You know what I'm saying? And you sit there and go, wow, where I came from, this would have to be acted out. Those two idiots in the back will be talking about the script they're going to sell. These two homos over here are talking about how they're not homos. You know what I'm saying? yeah these you know everybody's talking about whatever project they have and how busy and how much money well we're going to go with the diaz is and the ascalises to the bahamas next ball you know my uncle knows the captain of the fleet who gives a fuck like what this ever happened in l. you'd be at a football party with all those people in the business and the female sideline

reporter comes on the screen and you just nine guys would you all i right at i don't Come in a face. Is she an Arab? Oh, look at her. Oh, look at her. I let her shit on me first. And then I would eat this shit before I'd make out with her. Would you, would that happen?

No. And when I, listen, I'm going to tell you who I felt like. Because I want you to think about this scene. There's a, there's a scene in Goodfellas where fucking, it's notorious. You know, he shoots spider. But think about what happens when he shoots spider. The guy that gets frozen at the end. end of the locker. Remember, they, they show him.

They, it's a good guy. I knew that guy towards the N. LA. He died of cancer. God rest of soul. And his brother is this, look at poor Lee. Anyway, listen to me, Lee. I knew that guy. He died of cancer, got to rest of soul. Yeah, but. What was I getting that? I forgot. The edibles are kicking in. We were just talking about, yeah, about, you know, talking about those kind of guys. Those kind of guys. And you're saying you knew that. guy he reminds you of oh okay when they first when the first minute i was there and they all yelled and said all this shit like i was in culture shock first of all was the middle of covid they had all the windows closed and these motherfuckers are yelling i'm like i'm gonna die tomorrow i'm gonna die tomorrow

okay this i would count how many people in there yeah 12 people oh this ain't gonna be good tomorrow but that's positive and then they yelled and all this shit and i thought after they kill spider They go take them to the fucking doctor And the guy their hand goes Yeah, it's a good fight It's a fucking good party I'm having a good time And they all

Like it was a good time Somebody got shot Now it's a party Now I know where I stand Now I know You know what I'm saying Like now I know my boundaries That first time I heard that

After leaving LA That's what it felt like I was like Oh shit I'm with the right people I'm in good hands There's beers There's everything

who's fucking every type of soda jimmy provide it's a fucking family thing he's got three other brothers and sometimes the sisters show up food from everywhere every week there's something there and where the fuck is that going to happen unless in l.A if somebody's got a script and they're casting it then we'd all be there let's go see jimmy who did decide on by halftime he's there somebody's all work dog oh shit I'll tell you what I went to one soup bowl party in LA I can't say his name he was at this party guess what he did Jimmy in fact let's take a dollar bill see who could guess what this motherfucker did of the Super Bowl party in Hollywood they invited me out of the comedy store right the guy is from

Jersey he lives in Jersey today and he was part of this Super Bowl party what do you think he did? There was like an agent there and they were all kissing his ass. What do you think this guy did at halftime? I have a guess. With a dollar bill? No, no, we're going to bet a dollar bill age. Oh, all better. Then nobody could guess what the fucking guy did at halftime. Shut up. Two. Two. Two. Three. Passed our headshots. Four. You're the closest so far.

Put out, put on a videotape of maybe a. his actor, set or something like that. Or maybe his, yeah, as, uh... This motherfucker, like, brought his stand-up set and snuck it to some girls. And he made the girl have to him go, let's put this in. Oh, no. People like, what's this? And the guys in the back, like, that's a football party in L.A. guys.

Was it good, at least? Uh, he lives back in New Jersey. he's not retired no not at all but trust me it was that that's the thing everybody's going to be seen this nobody cares if you fart if you scratch your ass

if you fucking there's a kid who used to go that would just drink Coca-Cola's 12 or 13 Coca-Cola's every Sunday and then he would just crash a little retarded kid yeah we lost him he's in college now right and then he would just crash and he couldn't even move on the couch fucking hilarious.

Were you putting Edibles in the Coca-Cola's? No. And then he would just, like, and he wouldn't say anything and then he'd get all miserable and mad. Like, it really fucked him up.

Because he couldn't drink Coke's at home, so he'd just be guzzling him. Hysterical. And the guys were counting him. Look, he's on his eighth one. And he'd be popping another one, dog. And you're like, what the fuck, guys? It was always, uh,

it's always something, but it's real. It's organic. And that shit just didn't happen for a long time. And now I go, I'm always busy. on Sundays. I go for the half time. Just see what Miami's doing. If Miami's losing by half time, we've got to go.

Because it's all over already. I don't want to see Jimmy's sad. I like Jimmy when he's happy. But he's not even getting sad anymore. It's that type of season. Yeah. His son the other day was already going, yeah, we got a chance. Six and seven with a walk card. I'm like, I didn't want to look at him and tell him, come here, son. You need a hug.

You need a hug. Yeah, he doesn't realize. Even Jimmy didn't buy into it. Jim, no. I don't know about that one. Remember, but he hasn't gotten a concussion yet. Tua? He's playing well. I don't wish him bad, but it's coming. He's going to play.

Oh, yeah. It's coming. You know what I'm saying? No question. Game eight, game nine, when they got a little bit of hope, he's going to get hit. He always does.

And that's it. And then Miami's got to figure it out after game nine. I don't wish him to, I like Tua. I became a fan. I bet him every Sunday, just out of respect because I'm going over there. I don't go over there and cheer against him.

I'm family. Do you lose every Sunday? Huh? You lose every single? Like a gentleman. Because I'm with this year, yeah, yeah. Because I'm with family. It's out of respect.

I know they're going to lose. But this week we won. I won, you know, 48 on 25. Nice. That's it. I don't bet them in any parlase. I don't include them in nothing. You bet them solo and you just go, fuck it.

A little something for the Florentine family. Just so we're all on this together. Because there's some motherfuckers that go over there and cheer against the host. They don't know that when I was growing up if you did that. Yeah. you get smacked in some places. But there was somebody in particular who did that in front of me one day

and in front of my mother. She cheated against the Mets. That was not Bueno. My mother went up to him, took the fork out of his fucking... I mean, the fucking thing of him. Bezal it by the pina. How do you have in my casa? Yeah, chal de co-sing.

You met a guilletazzo, you were a putta. Oh, my God. Yeah, in the old days... Yeah, no, I tell my son that when you go over someone's house, don't go against their team. Never. Don't. You keep it quiet.

I don't care if it's the worst team in the world. Yeah. You go with the host. Everybody gambles on the whole. You go with the host. That's respect. You don't beat these people today. Well, my favorite, shut the fuck on.

Your favorite player isn't playing until tomorrow. He's probably on the I-L list, you know. But no, that's the way it is. Jimmy, just for the fucking record here, tell him the wrestling story for you fucking people at home that don't understand the depth. You know, I'm trying to break. I got to break some news out. Not to the podcast, where I've got to break it out to my family soon.

But it's going to show you the levels of torture that I inflict. Everybody's still waiting patiently from my piece of masterpiece that I've done. And they're already crumbling, just like I predicted. They're scratching, that they're knocking on the door. It's crazy because we see it coming a mile away. And it's great when you get surprised, but then you're like, this motherfucker doesn't understand. I'm from Jersey.

And now I own him. I own him in a different way, not financially, not physically. I'm going to own him mentally. Well, I'm going to dip into his or her fucking mind and just fucking run my fucking gamut. Because people have done it to us. And it's like, okay, I see it coming, but now we're better at you at this. Tell them what you grew up in.

I mean, you grew up with fucking seven people in your house, yelling and screaming Italians. But tell us the wrestling story. a fucking record. My dad would take us to Madison Square Garden for a wrestling match. And Bruno San Martino was the champ at the time. And they had to make, he was the champ for like 12 years because all the Italians in New York loved them. And they couldn't change belts because he'd fill the guy, he'd pack the garden every every month, 20,000 people. All the Italians from New York would go see him. So Vince McMahon Sr. said, listen, man, we can't,

you can't give up the belt. You know, because Bruno wanted to retire. He's like, we're not going to sell out the garden. So my dad was one of those Italian guys. I was. was 12, 13, 14, taking me to Madison Square Garden. You had to be 14. I think you had to be 16 to get in because it was blood for some reason. So you had to be 16. I didn't have an idea, obviously. So I would wear my mom's bell, I wear bell bottom pants and wear my mom's platform shoes like Kiss wore.

She had the big platform bucket. So I looked taller, but I cover them with the bell bottom pants, you know, just so I look tall. I said, I wouldn't go. This kid's not 16 because my dad said, listen, if you can't get in, I'm leaving you. at Penn Station, I'm going in a match. I ain't going back home. So I dressed up like a fucking, basically like a woman to go watch fucking, go watch

men in tights fucking wrestle. How am I not sucking cock to this day? I don't understand. So there was a guy out front that would sell wrestling pictures. He was always in the same spot. He had a photo album. He was a wrestling photographer. So we'd always go to him.

I said, you know, I'd save up like 10 bucks. He'd sell him like a dollar piece. So I'd buy him, you know. And then at one point he goes, hey, give me your phone number. I go to all the other matches outside the garden, Nassau Colise in Baltimore. And I could tell you who won these matches because you didn't know, you know, what they weren't on TV.

So he started calling me. And he's like, hey, superstar Billy Graham and he'd breathing heavy on the phone. And I'm like, why are you breathing heavy? He goes, ah, he just came in from a jog. I'm like, all right. That sounds logical. Meanwhile, he weighed like 350 pounds.

He wasn't fucking jogging anywhere. So he must have been jerking off on the line. Why, you know, my, my 14 year old voice was. was coming and you know it was just changed at the time was getting nice and deep so it must have did something to him as he told me who won the match so at one point my parents let us go to as we park convention hall by ourselves we're 14 years old there's like six of us take the train down there like oh it's close enough we don't have to go with you he's in the front row um because he's taking picture so in between a match he could we're all in the nosebleeds he comes up to

all of us he's like hey i got two seats who wants to come down the front and so you we're like front row he's like yeah i go i'll go and he goes and you too mike we were both the kids with blonde hair and blue eyes so we get down to the front and all of a sudden there's only one seat and i'm like i thought there was two seats he goes no one's mine i go well how's this going to work he goes well someone has to sit on my lap oh no and i'm like this is weird he's like yeah well it's one's mine so someone's got to sit on my lap and i'm like i'm not doing it my mic's like i'm not doing it but then all of a sudden they're starting to match we see andro the giant coming out

And he's like, fucking five feet from like, holy shit. I'm like, all right, fucking, I'll sit on your lap. Oh, no. I wasn't going back to the nosebleeds. Fucking Andre was right there. I'm 14 years old. I see him seven foot five. So I sat on his lap.

And he's holding me like we're on a motorcycle, you know, in case I fell. Oh, no. And at one point during a match, he nibbled on my ear. And I like, what the fuck was that? He's like, sorry, I was looking that way. It slipped. And I'm like, that's weird. I go, Mike, you sit on his lap.

I'm done. I go, fuck that. So then Mike sat on his lap and he started holding him like that. Yeah, I threw my friend that about. So, yeah, I still want to see the match. I'm not leaving, but that was a little weird that you nibbled on my ear. I mean, it did feel pretty good, actually. Oh.

So then at some point, cut to a few months later, my parents let him stay over a house on the weekend. Because he knew all the kids in the neighborhood. because we'd all go to matches. My dad would take everybody. So he knew like six of us. And my parents thought it was weird, like a 39-year-old guy. Why would I want to hang out with 14? He was like, all right, well, whatever.

I met him. It seems like it's okay. So he comes in from the bus from New York City. He lived in New York City Friday night. He comes in late. And he goes, hey, can I wake up Jim? He's sleeping in our guest room. My parents are like, no, he's sleeping.

He goes, okay, I wake up in the morning, and he's got his hand down my pants, my underwear. I'm in my pajamas. I had a little PJ. you know and a little hole in the front he had a stun through it and i go what are you doing he goes i'm showing you a magic trick i'm like a magic trick he's like yeah no no let me keep it in there so it's a magic trip i'm like this is fucking bullshit i'm gonna go tell my brother my older brothers because they were on to him they thought he was weird anyway and he blocked the door and he's like

listen i got my photo album here is 30 pictures whatever ones you want if you don't say a word i go 30 he's like 30 i go okay so i fucking sat through it i took out 30 pictures he goes you're not going to say anything no i'm not going to say anything as soon as soon as he moved away from the door i ran told my brothers they fucking dragged them out he was holding under the door they dragged him out put him in the car and they dumped them off at the bus stop and like we're hitting him over the head with those big newspapers like six in the morning you know the star ledger was in a fucking rat hitting them over the head and beat the fuck out of him and sent him on a bus back to new york I was going to say Wally, John, I love how this is Joey's favorite story.

And like most people would still be in therapy over this. What is going? Oh, my God. I didn't notice my brother Bob, who's older to me. He said, he goes, the night before he came in my room and he tried to kiss me. And I punched him in the face. And I gave him a black lip, a bloody lip. I didn't even know that.

He told me that years later. Black lip, don't throw him under the fucking jail now. And I found him on a sex offender's website. He lives in Thailand. now. He was at a sex event. No. Yeah. About eight years ago, I found him. He was still there. But I told this story on Howard Stern. I had 15 people email me from around the country. He said, that's the same thing that happened to me too. We did that with me. He did this. I stayed over. He did. We'd be wrestling with me. All the shit. It was a huge

story. People, a guy, I got to show you, Joey. Next to me over there. I still have a picture to a guy. I have a picture to guy. The guy sent me to picture. Because he'd write us letters, too. I really like you And you know what the worst was There was one There was one that Ivan Koloff was an old wrestling He had the he won the belt For like nine days he had it

And he had that picture He goes this is really rare It's gonna be a worth a lot of money one day And I took that one out of my 30 And I looked it up And it was worth nine cents That motherfucker lied to me Nine cents

I sold the pictures too Yeah yeah I got to I have to keep them. You know, there's a guy on Facebook, but I'm friends with him and his wife. And his wife signed up for my Patreon before it went fucking kaput. My boys just fucking disappeared.

I don't know what the fuck Patreon did that. What? And I've tried to, he's a big shot now. I mean, he was a North Bergen, skinny, fucking scrawny kid. And he ended up with a big position. I don't know how. I mean, I'm not mad at him. But he was across this.

He lived across the street from me. And when I first moved to that neighborhood, he was younger than me probably a year or two. I hung out with somebody completely different, even though he lived on the block. But he had a hot mom with a great fucking ass. And she wore little glasses, blonde with curly hair. Did you eat an edible?

No. You look fucked up. It's that coughed medicine. It's a bunch of dayquil, yeah. So, you know, that's the house. It's still there. And I'm giving it a terrace. And they had a side door.

and they had like a back apartment and we had the same thing. We had a guy that lived back there that we'd be playing and he'd just walk in and out with his newspaper and he had a leather jacket and he worked in the city, good guy, and then he started coming outside and talking to us. And then one day we were at that age

where we wanted questions, but we didn't want to ask our dads. So we started to ask some creepy questions about girls and shit. He would say, come to the backyard, I'll show you shit, and he would play a little porn for us and all that type of stuff.

And I don't know. His name was Nelson, and he had a black friend. And they had gone to, what's that rock? It doesn't fucking matter. They went to some country with a rock. I'll never forget. The rock of Gibralton. And they would always talk about the rock of Gibralton shit.

And we were talking one night. And we were like, Nelson, tell us how it is when you get a hand job and all this shit. He's like, no, no, no. Come tomorrow at 8 o'clock. Come by my window and listen, give me a dollar apiece. I'm gonna fuck my girlfriend and you guys could listen Like we was charging you a dollar piece

Yeah And we all went over to the next night And sat by the window And I'll never forget Like we were at that age That we knew But we didn't know And the girl goes

Give me milk daddy And we fucking heard that And ran That was ill She was because he was about to jerk off In the mouth Right wow I didn't see it

The taller kid Right He's telling us Oh he's fucking her in the ass and he was like coming the poor kid you can hear him breathe in evidence right he's on Facebook too give me milk daddy that's a great line

but the chick said give me milk daddy and we fucking ran it must have been four of us under the window dressed up right and yeah we thought we were gonna get pussy and shit and then we torched them for a while I never knew what happened to him but you know I thought about

before I started writing about it I'm like let me fucking dig deep you know and I call I hit that kid on Facebook and I go, do you remember him? When we were kids, he goes, I knew my mom rented it to somebody that was a bartender. I just don't remember him at all. And I'm like, fuck, I wish you could tell me that the guy got arrested

or I don't know what happened to the guy. But it was interesting having him there. Until this day, I can't. Not till the end was when he would come out. We'd play football and he'd come out with a robe with no underwear on. And that's what. I love the beginning of this podcast is you pitching me moving in New Jersey, and it's great to grow up in New Jersey.

Listen, this is New Jersey, 1975, Lee, where, you know what? Nothing was really going to happen because you had neighborhood kids. We backed each other. I never went back there alone. And he was right off the street. If anything happened, you would yell one time. But that's how we knew when he was fucking the chick.

We could hear it. We could hear it, you know. So you can hear what was going on. It wasn't toward the end when we thought. thought something was weird about him. And that was when he came out to play football with a robe with no underwear and sneakers on. And he fucking...

He had sneakers on, too? He had sneakers on. And he went up the middle and somebody tackled him. And his dick came out. End the story. That's it. No more football. It sounds like the same guy. Yeah. But it's crazy. I like, you know, I talk to all these victims.

and I'm not, you know, saying anything about that. When you talk to victims. Not talk to victims, but you read their stories. You feel their pain. You watch their YouTube videos. And you go, you know, man, I'm very grateful. And one time I was such a basketball head. I was probably in the eighth grade.

And somebody said that St. Michael's opened up. It was like when we used to get a foot of snow, you know, The buses, the number one bus shut down. They only have one bus. You'd have to wait for two hours for the bus to come around. But we were into basketball. And I remember going down there with a bunch of kids,

but they all lived in fucking North Bergen, downtown. I still had to get up to, like, 38th Street. I remember being out there for 45 minutes, freezing. And also, the guy pulls up. And he goes, hey, you want to ride up? How far are you going? I go, see us. He goes, get in.

And I had a basketball. I put it between my legs. I'm freezing and shit. And right by we got close, he goes, so you play basketball a lot? And he went to hit the ball, but he hit my cock. And I just fucking froze, Jimmy. I didn't know what to do. I'm like, oh, this is no bueno.

And he goes, where do you live? And I go, fuck that. And there was a god because the door just opened. I still remember just running out, hitting Sears, and then running in front of him and going into Schittson Park. And in those days, I knew Schutzen Park in and out. I was up there all the time getting chased by the butcher. the guy who cut meat and cooked

we didn't want us in the back so I knew all the nooks and crannies and I still remember him pulling in and going hey where are you going and I fucking just darted you know I didn't call the cops I just went home I didn't tell nobody he didn't do nothing wrong

right no phone no fight he went for the cock of death he tried I ain't mad of him for that look at the shape of Leo the fucked up episode he didn't do nothing he grabbed your dick and well you know that was sort of times

Listen, Lee, I was... Parents didn't think like the priests were doing anything with the kids. Yeah, go camp and win them for the weekend. And that was normal.

A man of God in theory. Yeah, but that's what, but they didn't think of other people. There's a professional wrestling photographer and a fucking... And I thought about it. I never think I'd go on going home and go, should I say some?

In those days, if I said something, that would make my mom put more security on me. And that's the last thing I did in the eighth grade. I had finally earned that freedom from her. I was allowed to go play basketball and go to movies with girls and a little fucking stupidity. If I would have told her that,

then she would have put the fucking grips on me. I want you at the bar all the time from now. That works against the fucking whatever. Right. And that's, I remember my older brother saying, hey, you better tell dad what that guy did.

I go, no, because he's going to make me give the pictures back. Yeah. I fucking earned it. I worked hard for these fucking pictures. Fucking sat on the guy's lap. Did you want,

you know, did you ever finish that episode of that show with, uh, with, uh, John Ham? The show I told you about him burglarizing houses. No, I didn't, I didn't see it.

What is it again? I forgot, I haven't seen it yet. It's on Apple. I haven't seen it, but I know what it is. Oh, right. I don't have a... You've got to watch episode eight when it wraps up and he busted. What this beautiful woman says to him.

And every... It opens up every man's eyes. Because I've watched it three times already on what this woman said that... She got out of... high school and she was the high school beauty queen and then she went to college and she got out she couldn't find the job so she got a job in a restaurant she was the hottest waitress and then one day she started having an affair with the boss and her life was different then one day the boss proposed to her and she thought it was great because now she had financial security and she could do

whatever the fuck she wanted but now she became the manager at the restaurant they bought another business and she just goes on about her life and she goes you know meanwhile he's doing this and i have to live like this because it's protecting my children so for years i let this fucking slab climb on top me every night and do whatever the fuck he wanted to because i did it for my child it's a fuck i'm telling you dog it's a like uh gleng gary glen ross is a good monologue but this chick does a monologue about life and she just breaks it down what i did for my fucking kids and how this series ends will blow all your fucking minds. By the way, the fucking mayor of Kingstown is back with Lorraine,

with the other chick, Tony Soprano's wife. She's running the prison now. Bam! It was tremendous last night. So if you don't know now, you fucking know, motherfuckers. What, Lee? What? What? What?

You're still getting over the wrestling fucking story. I know. You want to see the pictures next time we go in my house? Were they at least signed pictures? You're going to have to sit on my last? lap. She's been trying to get me this on people's laps for 15 years. There's action of the suburbs, dog. I like it doesn't sound good. It sounds like child abuse.

Let me ask you this, Jimmy, you do a lot of, you're always on gutfell, which is fucking tremendous. Yeah. I hear about it all the time. I watch it. I can't. I'm not political, so I can't. But you're always on gutfell, which is fucking great. You're still on the road, and you're still doing your thing. It's not, I can't ask for more. Raising my kids. I'm he's good it's all good we're not going to right right we're not going to rehab not going to rehab not catching a shit i'm just doing my little gigs nobody invited us sell a few yeah exactly you were heartbroken you didn't get the 1.8 i'm not in that fucking that chaos of that world i don't want to be any part of it and we live nice and simple i already live fucking that life you live the two you know

when i was on stern back of the day 20 million people listening your business is on the air every day, you know, I dated his sidekick, so that was all going on. I don't like that shit, man. So I went through it. I already fucking went through all that chaos. You're done. I'm done. Now we're just waiting for fucking the Lord to take us when

and when. Yeah, whatever, yeah, and just ride it out. Dog, when you're 60, is a different game. You hope, you have hope that you, look, I talked to my uncle the other day finally, 85. He's still slinging dick. I hope. I hope. I knock on wood every day. He took care of himself.

He's living with cancer, too. He just goes to a vegan diet. They live. No chemo, no nothing. Wow. Where's the next weekend you're working? I'll be at the dojo. Morris Plains, December 26.

Oh, I can't go to Lee's wedding now. December 26 and 27. He's getting married on the 27. Both nights on there at 26 and 27. So you're out. You say, I would have went. You can't catch the... Now I'm definitely sending you an invite to get the present.

You take Bitcoin? Of course I take Bitcoin. Lee, where are you at this week? This week, Wednesday. I'm with you at the Dojo Friday. Thursday. Thursday now? Oh, Thursday now?

I'm at the Dojo. Friday. I'm at the comic strip for the comedy competition. Are you going to dress up? No. And making you dress up like something? No. And Boca this weekend, too. Are you in Boca this weekend? Yeah, Friday, Saturday, Halloween night, and Saturday.

Oh, shit. fucking Bocatan like a motherfucker. All New Yorkers down there. I love them. Yeah, no, that's a good little place. Yeah, yeah. Retired New Yorkers that live there. You motherfuckers know where I'll be.

I'll be at the dojo with them Thursday night. Stress factory's gone. November 8th. DC at the fucking MGM Grand Casino. I'm very excited. I'm going to be down there a few days fucking sightseeing. See when one of the president got shot. Somebody got shot down there, didn't they?

It don't matter. But I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Jim Florentine for coming on. Lee Syatt, the Captain Kirk, the fucking Jewish Cato, the flame of life. December 27th wedding, you know what I'm saying? So hopefully you could all make it. We'll leak the locations of the wedding. So you could all show up and take pictures.

And his wife would love to have you there. I love you guys. Have a great week. See you next week. Cocksuckers. Stay black. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here.

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Happy Halloween. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Thank you.