Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz got a face lift with Tara Cannistraci

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt sit down with comedian and podcaster Tara Cannistraci. They discuss Joey's recent surgery and why he doesnt deserve to be hungry, fighting for yourself, and Joey tells a story that's hard to believe.  Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 for shipping & use code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com  New customers, bet $5 on DraftKings & get $150 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & press in code JOEY.  

What's happening savages uncle joey here with my trusted partner in crime Mr. Lee cyatt post Fourth of july i'm all done with fireworks and we're ready to rock another week of tremendousness. You know what i'm saying? What's up doctor? How you feeling? I'm feeling great, dude. How was your weekend? My weekend was fine. I went I had my uncle's 80th birthday. Oh, that's always a blast That's always a real kick in the balls, ain't it? Makes me feel old and young at the same time.

Oh my God. Oh my God, it was a good time, but it was, you had to take edibles. I hope you did. Oh yeah, for the fireworks, I have to. If you're watching fireworks with their edibles. How many milligrams did you take? I took an ABX.

That's it, just one. Yeah, just one. I was around 80 years old on the water. How fucked up do you want me to be? This is what I'm saying to an ABX. That's it. Just one. Yeah, just one I was around 80 years on the water. How fuck do you want me to be? Listen? First off, there's no number I can say that would be right because first of all you're 36 years old Once you see fireworks one time you've seen them all. I don't like fireworks Okay, so the fireworks in the fourth of July are in your soul and in your fucking brain So that means you got to elevate from 200 to 600 milligrams The fireworks in the 4th of July are in your soul and in your fucking brain. So that means you've got to elevate from 200 to 600 milligrams.

Jesus, I would have fallen in the water. And that's when you boom. Huh? We were on the water. You would have done better off. You would have been better off, okay? Hey, you would have gotten me out of dinner. You would have had him a what?

You would have gotten me out of dinner then. That's right. What did you eat for dinner that night? Oh, this dude, he had the best 80s. I've only been to one 80th birthday party. His wife had seafood towers for everybody. We went to a steak place. It was fun.

He, when we were kids, when I was a kid, he made me eat a bug. Like he had these dried bugs. I brought a packet, I bought dried bugs on the internet and brought it for him to eat. It was a blast. it was a good time. Did you eat any bugs this week? I did, I had one bug.

If he, it's his birthday, I gotta have one bug. When in Rome, you know what I'm saying? That's what I love about you. Oh. When in Rome, you might as well eat a fucking bug. That's where the training comes in. It wasn't a live one, they sell everything on Amazon. No, you got those bugs left this.

No. Next week, we'll do 600 milligrams. I'll bring them, they're like eight bugs for like a bunch of bugs. bugs left. Next week we'll do 600 milligrams. I'll bring them. They're like eight bugs for like a bunch of bugs. Just buy another bag and we eat the whole bag. You eat the whole bag. You're gonna eat one. And we'll get another sponsor.

Who knows? Who cares at this point? What do you mean who knows? I know, I don't wanna be the only one eating bugs and then you're sitting there with a full plate. Well, maybe I'll put some honey on. Yeah, you know what? They were lightly salted, it's okay.

Lightly salted? Lightly, that's all. Look at that know what? They were lightly salted, it's okay. Lightly salted? Lightly, that's all. Look at that, huh? It's like you're in Panama. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. They give you a nice bug, lightly salted. Oh, the restaurant was pissed. Cause we were in like a private dining room

and I opened up this bag and they exploded like a bag of potato chips. And then when you opened it up, it went flying. And it's a nice steakhouse and they were not happy about it. Did you tip the dude an extra 20? I didn't have, it was that, that's the best part about someone else's birthday party.

Like it was all paid for. There were no checks, no nothing. But you always tip your waiter to make an impression. No you do not. What impression do you wanna make? Especially when you show up with a bag of fucking dead buggy little fucking jewelry maggots. It's better than live ones.

It's a matter boy any kind of bug Whenever you go to a restaurant even a thing is bought and paid for you want to tip that guy Lee you're part of the fucking You're part of something bigger here Who am I you tip when it's already when someone else is paying you tip double absolutely you get that person Not the whole staff the guy who took care you throw right when you sit down go come here's the fuck. No the guy that's taking care of the bartender. You gotta walk I'm giving money to the guy that gives me that drink right there. Hi, mr. Diaz. How are you? Pin your collada sure. Hey, you got anything to eat back there? I got a cheeseburger Holy fuck, but that conversation never gonna happen if he doesn't know I'm in this corner, right?

So before I even sit down down I'm throwing something in Pocket if it's two of us. It's a 50 so he knows what fucking time it is motherfucker So when somebody else goes hi, I want a shrimp cocktail. He goes fuck you I'm over here my man Ali go fuck yourself. You didn't tip you maggot motherfucker Oh, it was a party. That's how you do it no one was tipping extra huh there was no one was always all Jews that's why you want to stuck out you would have been the king fucking Jew with a fucking dollar yeah if you were given one fucking dollar you'd have been like netanyahu

bitch running things like firecrackers oh that would have been a mate but you know what I did have? I had my first martini and they brought a little extra, like you know the milkshakes when they bring the extra? Yeah, that's sperm. They came in your martini because you didn't tip, you fuck. That's what that is. That's why they brought you a little extra.

You know, they're like, yeah, this is great. I knew it tasted good. That's some fucking Haitian in the back that's got two weeks left in the country. That Chuck is fucking sperm into your little cocktail there, you fuck. You gotta tip, Lee. You always gotta tip.

I do tip, I tip all the time. No, but when you see those people, as soon as they come to the table, bang, right off the bat. Remember we discussed the sushi restaurant? When you walk into a sushi, 20, 30, come here, Ching. Here you go, Ming, here. Whatever, it's Chinese. Ha-ta, whatever his fucking name is. I don't know

But do you get pissed off if they don't what if you give them the extra 20 and then they still suck? I take it back Shit man, come here. It's over. I sat here. I waited for water for two hours. I did it I I I forget it because of all the fucking training we've done I forget if this is a story that I remember that I heard someone say when I was a server I Had some I think it was me put out like money at the beginning and like this is your tip if it starts Things start to suck. I'm taking stuff back and it would like people do that It's funny like do you ever do you ever say that in the beginning like you there's more in it for you if you're good

No, no just say listen man. I'm over here with my wife, I'm trying to make a good impression. Give this shit, you give the Russians. Don't give me the bad shit, you know what I'm saying? Right. Like a joke and you put a 50 in this pocket? He won't even look at it though, he goes in the back. This all goes back to primo.

No, yeah, I was thinking about it. Okay, that was a joke, but it's really not because nobody pays attention to the Mexican bus boy If you break a ten on that Mexican bus boy He'll by the end of the dinner. He's cutting your toenails And his cousins they're playing the guitar for you and fucking you got tamales cooking They don't even give they're giving you shit off the menu and you got tamales cooking, they're giving you shit off the menu, do you understand? It's the guy who least expects to get tipped.

You put a fucking 10 in his pocket, it's a $10 bill to you, but to him, he crossed the border. He came over here and you're the first person who gave this guy fucking love. Out of all these white devils, you gave him fucking love. Do you understand me? And that goes a long fucking way, my friend. You're not wrong.

My next birthday I'll tip extra. But I don't, I don't know. I got cheap, I guess. I don't know, it's someone else's birthday and everything was paid for. What am I supposed to do? And you're in front of your girlfriend. You always wanna be a big shot in front of your girlfriend.

Whether you live with her, whether you fucked her in the ass already, it don't matter. always want to be a big shot in front of your girlfriend Whether you live with her whether you fucked her in the ass already it don't matter You always want to be a big shot in front of them You know I'm saying once you fuck him in the ass, then you don't want to be a big shot no more cuz ooh How good are you? Gazoo oh my gosh, I've never fucked anybody in the ass well. It's time to start. That's your problem I've never fucked anybody in the ass. Well, it's time to start. That's your problem Do you tip her when you after you fuck her in the ass? No

Why not you send flowers flowers gentleman does you give a girl a 50 after you fuck her in the head? It's not gonna work out for you. But if you send flowers a little fucking baby powder And maybe a little anal oil or something. Yeah, youin or something? Yeah, you gotta be a gentleman, you know what I'm saying? I had a fantastic weekend. I walked around all weekend with fucking 40 stitches in my head. That's always brilliant to have. My eyes still fucked up. For all you fucking momos,

what do you have a bandaid in your ear? Here it is, here it is, you cocksuckers. No more bandaid, all right? They went deep in there, guys. I mean, this was, it was a hell of a weekend, but it was great. Listen, it was well worth it Let me tell you something for the last fucking six months. I Do what I have to in the morning. I hustle whatever my wife this that And I had this problem man fucking 130 quarter to two

No matter what I'm doing, it ends, like it just ends. People are like, why don't you have a dude, trust me, because I'll have to take a fucking nap in your house and you don't have a sleep apnea machine. And that's every day I go down. It was my body couldn't carry the infection. This infection was so deep,

and I kept throwing antibiotics at it, the doctors, and the more antibiotics you throw at an infection, the stronger it gets. It's like giving an Indian gin. It ain't gonna get no better for you, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Like, it ain't gonna get no better for you. So they made this infection, it was so fucking deep,

that it was just kicking my ass. Like, that's why people go, oh yeah, I'm doing this at four, good luck. Because, Doug, I can't count on it. I cannot do it. Some days it would be two o'clock. You know how many times I just went down at six o'clock? I just went down, I told my wife after dinner,

like I gotta go lay down. Where? You got somewhere to go. It's not gonna happen. And it was all because of the ear? I cut it out. I'm walking around with 40 stitches, but it feels a lot better than what I had before going through my body.

I didn't take a nap today. I always take a nap before the podcast. I wake up to jump in the shower, to get my clothes on, to fucking... Today I didn't take a nap. I washed my pussy. But I fucking didn't take a nap, so... Dude, you were so... You never FaceTimed me. To be honest with you, I wasn't even a nap. I watched my pussy nice, but I fucking didn't take a nap So dude you were so I you never facetime me to be honest with you I wasn't even sure like that you knew how to fail

And I got I got like I see a missed call from like what the fuck happened and I call you back regular I thought you made a mistake. You're like facetime me your face you were you were wrapped up More than you were smiling. I look like one of those guys. I look like one of the guys that I ran right now. I had the Habib hat on. But this is hysterical, right? For the last three months, four months,

I don't know what happened, somewhere in the hospital, this nerve went away. Like this nerve just went kaput. So that means sometimes I smoke dope and it's fine, but every day this eye is going deeper and deeper down, right, it's going deeper. Every day I'm like, what did I do to get this far as with a guy?

So I already made an appointment for the doctor to go see this, it's like July 94. I made the appointment like in fucking April. It's like the end of July. I have to walk around with this droopy fucking thing. And it's not that disease people have, palsy. It's not, it's just my doctor looked at it and she's like, no, you just got a nerve ending.

I ain't gonna lie to nobody, this is cocaine. This is 30 years of cocaine and doing bumps. It just gave up, it really did. One day it said, Joey, we can't bring the curtain up no more. You know what I'm saying? The curtain went up and down, up and down for all those fucking years. Enough. So the eye was fucked up. Now they did the surgery.

I get up and my wife goes, you gotta see your face. And I go, why? I've been looking at it for 60 years. What's the difference? I look, why? I've been looking at it for 60 years. What's the difference? I look at it and I start laughing. And my wife goes, why are you laughing about? I go, all the things. We gotta put the picture up.

We gotta figure out a way to put it up. I'll put it up. This eyebrow was elevated, I think it was this one, was elevated to the fucking max. Like I had a duracell up my ass, something. I still have the one you sent me, I'll send it to Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this one was up all the way now, and this one was getting pulled. So it was like, it's been a nightmare really, because I can't even look at the fucking program guide. What happened? I don't know what the fuck's going on on TV, I gotta like look because. Because it's, oh Oh my god and then you haven't even told them that I'll put I'll have them put it up on the screen. Oh this one needs to be full

screen I'll definitely have them put it up. But the best thing about this is my dream come true I got a neck brace I got a Jewish gold chain means I'm 62, I'm about to cause some damage, Jack, because I'll never stand for a line again. Oh my God. And if you threaten me with anything, I'll just say, I already got three lawsuits going. You don't want to be number four. And I would mark something on there.

I would put like two lawsuits and counting. Like that's all. A Jewish star. Like I gotta get it colored and nice, and get like a Jewish star, and put fucking like a name of an attorney on there. Like I ain't fucking around, Jack. Oh my God.

Because what happened was. Oh my God, that's a brilliant idea, Lee. The name of the attorney? Yeah, we could just go for an attorney and go, listen, you're about to make a million dollars. If I wear your neck brace, with your name on it and your phone number on it, this is bigger than Norton Frickie and Associates.

You understand me? I'll be making money hand over fist, Jack. Why don't they do? Why don't any of the personal injury attorneys have neck braces? Because they don't think like me. I'm the OG. I'm an OG Jew.

I've been telling you that since I met you, that I'm an OG Jew. I've been telling you that since I met you, that I'm an OG Jew. You wear the neck brace with the lawyer's thing and a yarmulke and that's where you have the business card. You know what I'm saying? Like it's a Pez dispenser? Like a little fucking like a Pez dispenser. Oh my God, because what happened was is you called me,

you called me with the face and then like 20 minutes later I got another call and usually that's like you're like you press it By mistake, so I picked it up and you were had I haven't heard you this happy and maybe ever and you're like They gave me one. I finally I finally like you do you know, I'm gonna wear it everywhere. You were so happy I'm like I Was Jewish and he was watching me go What's he talking about? And I'm dropping it like I'm fucking going out there,

I'm gonna spread this shit and he's like, the fuck are you talking about, guy, you outta your mind? You really have to wear it the next time you go to the airport and have them push you on the wheelchair. Oh, neck brace is a must, I got my own. Everybody with clear and pre-TSA, watch my shit, watch my shit. Show up when the plane's boarding and let's go right to the You know what I'm saying?

Watch me, fuck the, we're about to board the process. First up, over 100K, United Supreme, United this. I walked in front of all of them, you understand me? Armed forces, I walked in front of them too. I salute those motherfuckers. I got the neck brace with the fucking name of the lawyer and oh, I'm going big. Did you tip the doctor who did the ear?

Did you tip the doctor who did the ear? Tip him? Yeah. No, he's a fucking- How come he doesn't get tipped? Cause he's got a tennis court and a fucking basketball court in his backyard. Okay.

And I have a tree that got hit by lightning. Okay, that's why I didn't tip him, okay? That's fucking why I didn't tip him. All right, anything else? That's it. We gotta break the fucking whatever and then we got a nice pretty guest today. I'm excited.

Me too. But yeah, I had the stitches, 4th of July, George came over, my brother Chris, the worst fish guy in the world, I went to his house last weekend and he made a ton of food. He's a fucking tremendous cook, this guy. He made these little lobster tails.

When I saw him, I go, I can't believe you sell fish for a living. Another guy, he must be cousins with the Puerto Rican chick from the hospital with the sauerkraut on the bread. I'm like, come on, Chris. Dog, I tasted those lobster tails. They were delicious. They were small, but flavor, and more meat.

You know, you buy these big thing and it's got like three little pieces. The rest sticks to the back. There's a piece of shit running through it. I ate something the other day, a piece of shrimp. And there was a little piece of shit hanging right from the thing. I showed it to the waiter.

I go, come on, dog. I don't mind eating this shit. Tuck it in there. I'm straight up. I'm a gangster. I'm old school. Tuck it in. Don't let the little piece of shit hang out like a fucking rattler.

Did they do anything for you? Yeah, they gave me like three new ones and told me to forget about them. Jesus. You know how we run it. Why you interrupting me for? Real quick, a word from. We have DraftKings.

Blue chew, you fuck. Oh fuck, yeah, I'm sorry. Real quick, we got blue chew. We'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, all sex is good sex, but if you're not having any sex because of VD,

it's time for blue chew, Jack. They're the original brand of chewable tablets for better sex. There's a tablet with the same ingredients as Viagra and the same active ingredients as Cialis and a combo tablet with both active ingredients so you can choose your own adventures. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Everybody likes an adventure from time to time. Ha ha ha. Get ready to enter the room. Dick first, Jack Jack uncle Joey style Discover your options at blue chew Com again, that's blue chew Com and we've got a special deal for our listeners on a beautiful Tuesday morning as always get your first month of Blue chew absolutely free. That right you heard me right just pressing

cop probe promo code Joey J O E Y at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping and that's it and get ready to sling big dick this summer you know I'm saying the kind of dick that you wake up in the morning and they're just people laying around you you don't even know they are you know I'm saying they're all scratching their head to what happened Anyway, listen join blue choose mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time Jack Head to blue chew calm for details and safety info And I want to thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast and for having our back for years

Like they said listen get ready to work that pelvis. You know what I'm saying? Get those kettlebells, throw them out the window, it's over. You're working it, Jack. I love you. Head to BlueChu.com right now for details and safety information.

We're back. What's happening, beautiful people? Our beautiful guest is a savage. Her name is Tara. Canistrace. Thank you. Oh look at Lee Sayer coming in. Chaz can't say it.

Ten years he can't say it. What is it? Tapestano. The only part about that that was right was the C at the beginning. Canistrace. Canistrace. Canistrace, okay. What's up beautiful? Hi. The only part about that that was right was the C at the beginning. Canistracy. Canistracy. Canistracy, okay.

What's up beautiful? Hi. I knew I was gonna get stuck. I already smoked a few bonheads today. So I knew your name was gonna be a tongue twister. That's all right. What's going on? Thank you for having me boys.

Look at you and shit. Look at me. All grown up and doing the town. Right before your eyes I grew up. Fuck, well the one eye. My other eye's all fucked up right now. The eye that goes up. Jesus Christ Almighty.

Joey got a face lift, you don't want to tell anybody. He's doing it in parts, he got the left side lifted and he's going to go back. I wish. I didn't know you were this vain, Joe. Come on dog. I would love it. When you turn 70 you should start doing plastic surgery. You'll get it for free Could you imagine being the plastic surgeon that works on Joey Diaz

It's a blimp coming back from that There ain't no coming back in that shit. I think it's people think it to me. It's like the new wig You ever see somebody who walks in with a really bad toupee and you're like, this guy thinks he's got the whole room fucking fooled, okay? And at first you're like, this guy might be interesting, but you're like, no, he's trying to make a jerk out of me, like with that fucking wig, I'm not even gonna talk to him.

I love when they don't match the colors. Oh my God, it's just horrible, it's just horrible. That's my favorite. Listen, if you have to wear a wig, don't have to. You could just shave your head, nobody will say nothing. You look at all the other mutants that go to the US. You just get a tattoo of a fucking dragon on your neck. And shave your head, nobody will say a fucking word to you.

Even if your head's shaped like a fucking mango, they won't say a fucking word to you. But that's what plastic surgery looks like to me when I'm in LA. Like I'm like, guys, you know. We know. We know that you can't move your fucking eyes. Like I remember seeing a girl from Friends.

She could not move her fucking eyes. Which one? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Probably all of them. Doesn't matter, yeah. That's all about LA. Doesn't? It doesn't matter. Probably all of them. Doesn't matter yet. It's all about the idea. Doesn't matter why I'm here.

It's even crazier with guys with plastic surgery. Guys, you see it. Women are kind of understand. I'm gonna tell you why I cannot fucking believe about plastic surgery. Because it breaks my fucking heart. Tom Cruise's old wife. Oh, Nicole Kidman.

She can't even move her lip. She is taken from this area. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up.

I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making this shit up. I'm not making of my elbow. I wanna know. You see this, right? I'm not making this shit up. Blood is taken from this area here. Why do I have a fucking thing all,

and she missed, because I missed the vein. No shit, you missed everything. You missed the whole fucking thing. The chubby one saved the day with the sauerkraut bread. She got me one shot. I was fainting, okay? But the reason why I was fainting, Tara, because I was telling you the story before,

listen, the nurse was taking blood out, she fucked up. So now after the second prick, it hurt, because once you get that prick, it goes right to my brain. You have like a little shout. If you're taking blood out, I could work with you on that prick, it goes right to my brain. You have like a little shot. If you're taking blood out, I could work with you on that prick because something's happening. But once you stay, let's say two stabbing,

I usually leave after that. Like I'm done. After you miss twice, I don't trust you no more. Bro, one time they had to shoot me five fucking times. You got hard veins though. I had rollies. I had every Filipino nurse. They had to fly the grandmother in via helicopter to come in.

She had fucking pigeon on her fingers when she came in. So this one, this was what really happened. Some genius said, put the bed upside down. So when they put the bed back, you don't want to hang by your ankles because your back is tight. Yeah, yeah, that machine, I used to have that. I have it in the garage.

They were a sponsor for like a week. We didn't sell it. They canceled, but they left a $1 thing in the fucking garage. I'm like, why would you do that? Anyway, so. We talked. They put you up, they tipped you down. They tipped me over.

Nothing. And while I'm trying to recover my breath and shit, she's next to me breathing. She was chubby and she just kept breathing and I couldn't match her breath. Like it was like, shoop, shoop. I'm going, she's going. There was no rhythm to it?

And then I got the sauerkraut breath, and that just, you know, anybody gets anxiety. I don't give a fuck. Somebody's hitting you, you can't match that breath. Then the sauerkraut, I just went into a fucking coma. But I didn't faint. I just saw a couple things. Then I asked for water, they always like,

no water, ice cubes. My wife had a bottle of water, I just picked it up and started drinking it. I said, you can't drink water, get the fuck out of here. It's like they tell you, you know, come to the hospital at six, don't eat the night before. Fuck you. Fuck you.

What do you mean fuck you? You're supposed to listen to me. Fuck you. What time is the surgery? If they say nine, that's 11. That means I sit there from 5.30 to 11 with sugar water. Ah, ah, ah, sugar water. I already missed my two eggs sunny side up.

I missed my toast, my fruit bowl. What if they're on time? What if they're on time and you fucked up? Well then, we'll deal with it. But you're not gonna tell them. Like last week I had watermelon for breakfast, had a cup of coffee. The day of the surgery?

Fuck yeah. Jesus, joke. I got up at 6.30, had watermelon, two eggs sunny side up with a piece of bread and fucking coffee. It's like the number one. Sure enough, they told me you'd be in the room by 11 o'clock, bingo. I was in the room at one o'clock,

and they poked me and took a thousand gallons of blood. I'm telling you my fucking, it was like Jesus. They just kept poking shit and fucking hit me. They just kept beating on the poor human, Tara. Happy Easter, everybody. What am I supposed to do, Tara? Because you're not old yet. You're in your 60s. What am I gonna do when you Tara? Because you're not old yet. You're in your 60s.

What am I gonna do when you actually don't give a fuck? And you start- Those rules are so you don't choke to death, right? And when you get, they put you under. That's communist shit. They do that for that last control. It's like send me a tape. You know what I'm saying?

It's that type of shit. Come on, man. When I was in the hospital last time, I had a little surgery. The surgery was at eight. I got up at five, and I went right into that little den where you're not supposed to go. I had like four boxes of fucking corn flakes.

The little ones. Can we put words underneath this? This is not medical advice. You are receiving please do not. I'm gonna call the hospital and have them lock you in the room or something. I don't have time for that, I'm old. I got one foot in the grave with a banana peel.

You know what kills me more? If by 11 o'clock you don't feed me and you keep coming in there and sticking me with needles. That's gonna depress me more than anything. Just give me something to eat. Give the brother a grape, you know what I'm saying? So what happens when you get hungry? Obviously I don't like being hungry either,

but Jesus Christ. Listen, if I wanna be hungry, I'll move back to Cuba. I didn't come here to be hungry, okay? All right, I didn't come here to be hungry. All right, I didn't come here to be fucking hungry. I've worked myself up towards position where I don't deserve to be hungry. Okay?

I don't deserve to be hungry. I don't deserve to be hungry. What the fuck? What did they give you after in recovery? Did they make up for it? They might as well fucking shit my mouth. They gave me one of those pepper trine muffins that was like dissolved. The fuck, it came out like toothpaste.

It was terrible, it was terrible. Thank God my wife brought something. And again, they're like, you can't eat for an hour afterwards. Listen, I will fucking stab you in the throat. Thank God my wife brought something and again, they're like you can't eat for an hour afterwards listen I will fucking stab you in the throat Listen there's a point in me and some people might go, you know, Joey you're acting very immaturely but I'm not because There's a point you're paying I'm paying you

What we doing here? Like the last time, the second time I went in, I got up to my floor, they have you in emergency room in the hallway for six hours, then they put you in an emergency room bed, you spend the night in a bed thinner than this. If you fucking go this way, you fall off an emergency. Again, thank God I could order from the,

you could order from the kitchen in emergency, deliver it to your room. So I was living big. I had fucking Lee brought me, fucking you lose and shit. Well no, there's no surgery. This is when he was just, he couldn't, he had trouble breathing.

And there was this sorta Jewish deli across the street. Where, and you went over there, the guy who runs it, I'm surprised, he has his deli there because he's gonna be in the hospital. His fingers are bigger than any, but it was good food. It was good Jewish deli. But yeah, but that was good food though.

Like you had- Pastrami om rye? Huh? Pastrami om rye? Pastrami, everything was good. You like shrimp salad? The fucking salads, the macaroni salad. Yeah, no, I pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta,

the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta,

the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta, the pasta eggs and shit, two eggs sunny side up, bacon, extra bacon, oatmeal. Nobody's gonna take this meal away. Fuck yeah, I'm hungry now. Nothing's gonna stop those two sunny side eggs. It's bad enough you're in a fucking hospital. It's bad enough you're confined to one room, they tell you all these things,

they wake you up every two hours to check your blood pressure. Yeah, they do wake you up. Which is 250 a pop, and they give you that water that costs a dollar 70 a thing, and they charge you 2,000 a bottle for that shit. It's water with sugar, you know, and I bet they don't put a lot of sugar in there.

You know what I'm saying? It's not like, yeah, give them the extra, so you can at least bounce off the fucking things. Do they charge you for the food? Oh, they hit you big in the hospital. They hit you like you're fucking, like Chef Mandini's cooking it. Yeah.

I'm surprised you even did it. I would have just sent the nurse over to the Jewish jelly every time. No, you can't do that, Lee, but anyway, the second I went to the hospital, I'm in fucking hallway for six hours. I mean, I spend the night in the emergency room. That's like 18 hours.

You know, I'm from the old school. It's time to wash the fucking pussy. 18 hours of fermenting. Did they sponge bath you? No, I don't wanna fucking sponge bath, Tarell. I'm too old for that shit. I wanna wash my own balls and my own pussy while I can. I don't wanna live till you gotta lay there,

and some chick that's like 22, you know, just gotta wash your balls and tell you, how are you Mr. Diaz? I don't ever want that to happen in my world. That's just embarrassing. Like there was a guy in the hospital next to me shitting everywhere. People wiping his ass.

Just take me now. Just shoot that fucking thing in the thing, nobody knows nothing. He died of a heart attack while he was shitting blood. Okay, you know, it ain't gonna take much to prove it wrong. But this motherfucker told me, like I get up there, she goes, this is your room, all right. I was just like, if anything you need,

bring me other things. No, I don't need anything. She left and she comes back. I'm already half naked. Like I'm already in the shower. I got the hot water on, I'm whistling. I'm thinking of my fucking shower, okay? Because that's all I give a fuck about.

I'm not a camper. No, no, me neither. Listen, I'm not. You gotta wash your pussy. Yeah, I'm not for, that's not for me. All that shit is gray. We're out of nature, yeah, but that shit gets you. You can only wipe your ass so much.

You know what I'm saying, think about it. You can wipe your ass like three times, you ain't gotta put some water in that. You gotta put some water in that hole, Nikki. You know what I'm saying? You gotta put water in that hole, enough with the toilet paper. And no bidet at the hospital.

And no? They don't have a bidet at the hospital. I don't need a bidet, I got my hand in a fuckin' towel. And soap like, and antiseptic soap. I got soap in there that's like purple soap. That just zaps the hemorrhoid. It just zaps, that's all you hear. It's like one of those electric things

when a mosquito runs into it. No. I forgot how seriously you take your showers. You did that the last time you were in the hospital Huh that nurse told you no shower no shower. Yeah Come again wait why no shower the doctor has to clear it listen. Oh, okay. She was dizzy Huh? No other last time I wasn't fucking busy. No, you're never too busy to take a fucking shower Okay, you dizzy if you don't take it

You know what I get dizzy when I'm laying there like a retard and I scratch my balls and sniff it and then you get dizzy and you get fucking, you know. You can't believe that's your nut. Yeah, you've been laying there for 24 fucking hours with those same underwear on. What do you think's gonna happen? No, no, I can't. I'm with you.

I'll feel better after a shower. I'm with you, Joe. I know my streak got us, that thung I told him was on fire. I'm with you. Still? That motherfucker's popping in there right now. Da da da you, Joe. I know my freak got us, that thung I told him I was on fire. I'm with you. Still? That motherfucker's popping in there right now. Da da da da da da.

You know, he needs water. You gotta calm that motherfucker down. This lady's like, no shower. I go, listen, I'm going in the fucking shower, right? She's like, well you have to put a tube around your arm to protect, listen, no tube. I wash with one hand, right here. I'm like the one-armed swordsman, you know?

I was trained for this shit in Cuba. He still had IV things in his arm. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I don't give a fuck, you gotta wash. Someone gives a fuck. Who? Where in the medical book, show me where it says you can't take a shower. What medical book's in the red?

Whatever medical book that you're basing that the doctor has to clear me. Do not try this at home. Okay. Where's the medical book? Show me the fucking medical book where it says I have to clear a fucking patient after 24 hours of not showering

because what could possibly happen to this motherfucker in the shower? My blood pressure would go up. I do need to feel a certain level of high. I do, like, I'll feel better, just let me shower. Right. I see that, but just I forgot about that, mixed with the eating.

Well, the eating. What are you eating? Shell. The fuck you listen. It's a little cereal before. A little cereal, now it's cereal. It was two eggs, he's added everything to this meal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, hold on.

The first time I had the surgery, the first time they stuck the tube in my arm. They stuck the tube in my arm to go to your heart to see if you need something in there. They stitch it up. A benadryogram or something like that? Something like that. Yeah, yeah. And it was at 11.

Okay. I woke up at 5.30. It's not good. I'm not the type of guy that's gonna fall right back to sleep, so like by seven, I know Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? I know me, I've been around for seven, two years. I'm gonna have to do something.

So I went in that little room and I got two of those, maybe three, four of those little packages of corn flakes, no sugar. They had sugar flakes, Tony the Tiger. I coulda gone for those and it really came up in the blood test. But I didn't, see, cause I'm a gentleman. I ain't fuckin' fucking, I coulda had the honey nut Cheerios, but they had more sugar than the corn flakes.

Isn't that mean you had four bowls of cereal? And I had, it doesn't matter. but they had more sugar in the cornflakes. Isn't that mean you had four bowls of cereal? Yeah. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And I had the 1% milk. Oh, the 1% doesn't come up. No, it's watery. It's like the cum that comes out of you when you're 13.

It's like when you're 12, that liquor comes out. It's like a half an egg. You ever see when you go to the park? I've never seen a 12 year old, let that be known now. I've never seen that. You ever go to the park? I've never seen a 12 year old, let that be known now. I've never seen that. You ever go to the park and you see like a half an egg and it's like the chicken's head but the rest of it is sperm?

No, what are you doing at the park? It's a fucking pigeon and the egg falls when he's a little pigeon. But his head is developed but the rest of him is just like liquid, like goo. That's 1% milk, everybody. 1% milk, that's why I had 1% milk. And that's okay before surgery?

Yeah. Sure. Okay. Now, if I went to fucking Nona's house, and had the, you got Sunday left oversauce, you shouldn't. You know what your grandmother would say, well you got surgery at 11 o'clock, go ahead, you need all the nourishment you can get, and nobody died.

Eat this, it'll make you feel better. She said, go fuck yourself. Yeah, eat this. You don't want the this, no. No, take the meat. Take the brussels, that's better. I got the egg, yeah, the egg, protein. You know, they don't live.

I'm from that school. Yeah, I know. You're going for war, your body's about to go to war. I need everything I can get. You're gonna start with sugar water. I'm gonna lose this fucking war. It's fucking sugar war. There's no protein, there's ugots.

There's nothing. You gotta go in there with something. Pasta Vizzu before surgery. Right? The beans, see? I'll take a couple pasta Vizzu. Three, four hours before surgery. Oh, and right when they're about to put you out,

you blow that last fart. When they say, here, breathe this oxygen, you feel that little hot air coming out of your ass, and you take that one peek, and everybody's looking at each other like everybody's guilty. Oh, Tara, Tara, the other day before they caught me, I go, they were like, we're gonna take you in the back before they caught me I go, they were like we're gonna take you in the back about five minutes, I go you know what,

let me go to the bathroom real quick. And they walked me half in with the fucking thing. And they closed the door, I didn't have to pee. But I had 10 minutes. And I go I'm gonna make something come out of me. Because, not sperm, no no, not disgusting. I'm gonna make something come out of my dick, because as soon as I get back on that cot,

and they put me in there, and the cold air from the surgery room hits me, I'm gonna have to fucking pee. When I did the knee surgery, oh my God, I was fine. Tyrone, they put so much pain shit in me that I couldn't feel nothing. And when I run in the room, I go, oh fuck, I gotta pee. And all of a sudden they go, okay,

I go, let me go to the bathroom. Because my dick was inside the nut sack. I mean, from all the pain medication, I had no dick luck. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'll go to the bathroom. They're like, no, no, no, this nurse is gonna do it. And I'm like, they're gonna give me like the 60 year old that's ugly and dead, it don't really matter.

Nobody's gonna believe her story, you know what I'm saying? They gave me the hottest fucking nurse you ever seen in your life. And she pulled like a whole, she had a, she had a whole, my little piggy, and put like a cap on her in there, and we made eye contact throughout the whole thing. She had the prettiest fucking eyes,

she had eyes like my wife. I'm like, oh my god, my dick is so fuckin' small right now. This is, make mental note. Did you tell her it was because of the pain pills or something? Oh, I was making that. I was like Jerry Seinfeld on that. With the cold water? Yeah, with the baby suit with the cold water.

That's what I was thinking. I was like, cold water? It's usually big. Chinese food. She's like like sure honey My dick was not fucking existed Anyway tell me a little bit about yourself well I don't know if I have any pearls of wisdom medical advice like uncle Joey over here

How do you how are you Italian in Italian and as in shape as you are? I don't get it. He was like, with everything he was talking about. Because she's not one of those chubby Italian women that looks at the Monte-Gartner and says, I shouldn't. And then does. Those are the chubby ones,

the ones that look at it for a minute and they wait for everybody's, I shouldn't, and then everybody has to say something. Oh go ahead girl, you look good. Go ahead girl. You're looking fine, motherfucker, even though she's down there. Last time you seen her she had one neck, now she's got three, and you're egging around.

Get the ass, and you might as well put that other fat finger in the cannoli too while you're at it. Take two of them, you're looking thin. I eat pasta every day. Really? I swear to God, almost every day. Do Italian, like, I'm- I have to, it's like, but I do it,

portion control, like Uncle Joey, it's just a small- What do you mean, how, you just say portion control, like it's something that is easy to understand. Well, listen. Cause I see the videos you made, like all the, like you can cook, right? Yeah, I cook all the time. And you just eat a little bit, I never understand that. I'm a picker, I like to eat throughout the whole day.

God damn. But I gotta keep my girlish figure, you know? You look fantastic. Thank you. The last year or so, I don't know if it was LA, I don't know if that you're happy because you're making your own moves finally It's funny when you realize you have to make your own moves

Yeah, like you feel like such a fucking jerk off for years. You're like What the fuck have I been thinking like I still remember getting the breakdowns. I still get You get them too. It's hot. Yeah, this, this industry will eat you from the inside out. This is the part where it's almost the hardest, Joe, I think, because it's not the beginning where I'm this idealistic, oh, I'm starting, it's fun, there's no skin in the game, and I haven't hit, you know.

So it's like I'm in the middle where it's like, it's hard. It's hard. But guess what? It's hard in the middle where it's like, it's hard. It's hard. But guess what? It's hard in the beginning, it's hard in the middle, and it's hard on the other end of that fucking middle. You're gonna always keep fucking hustling. I realize that now. And out of everything that I still cannot believe,

out of the 34 years I've been doing this, I really am blown away. Yes, we get better. We're all like fine wine. If you get on stage six nights a week and you really put your heart in it, you go home and write and cry and sacrifice this and I'm not doing this, I gotta do this,

shit will happen for you. It's not at the speed you want it to. Always remember that. I think I'm okay with it now that I'm doing it myself. That I've taken control. That, it feels a lot better. I feel like I'm not sitting back waiting for anything to happen.

Not that I ever was. You know me, you would call me. I'd be like, I'm doing a restaurant tonight on a Wednesday. You would call me and you'd be like, you're just doing it to get up. I would do anything to get up. That's it. But now I feel like I've gotten, gained more control of,

and listen, like I said to you before we were filming, nobody's gonna work harder for me than me. So right now, I feel like I've gained some control. Listen, that's what every woman wants, right, control? And I was thinking, because when Joey told me that you were gonna be the guest, because we met, it was like a couple years ago, and we were doing shows with Josh, and you were telling me how you were gonna be the guest. Because we met, it was like a couple years ago, and we were doing shows with Josh,

and you were telling me how you were, because I'm way earlier than you, and you're like, well, I was doing well, and then it was hard for me, and you asked someone for help, and you're like, to me, you said that was a turning point for you. Game changer, rich for us.

And since then and now, you're way even ahead than you were when we first met. Yeah, which was a hard thing for me. Even when I first met Joey, he's like, an empty mouth, closed mouth, don't get fed. But I'm not one to be like, oh, can you help me? Can you help me? I never wanted to ask anybody for anything.

But there were just a few, and I still don't, it's still something I struggle with today, but I know my people now now and I know who to ask and the first person I ever asked for anything was Rich Voss, but that's because he always extended himself. Rich is the kind of guy, I love to say this, he's the kind of guy who's nice behind your back

and mean to your face, that's how his wife described him once to me, because she said, "'Oh, Rich speaks so glowingly of you.'" I said, "'To who?' "'Not to me. This guy has insulted me from day one. But he was really in your corner. And so I felt safe enough to ask him for something.

And asking him for one thing literally changed the course of my life. Because it was during the pandemic, it was when I couldn't get shows, and he just created an opportunity for me. And from that one opportunity, I shit you not everything, I just got one thing from the next to the next. And it's, you know, you gotta know

who your people are though. You know, Tyra, it's so weird that you talk about people helping you. Because I'll do anything for anybody. I've been there, on that other side of the coin. So I know what that feel is. I know what you feel in your heart, what you fucking, Jesus Christ,

what is gonna happen for me? When can I get an agent? Remember that struggle? When can I get an agent? Like how am I gonna get an agent? You meet with these agents and they're like, oh, you need a real, I'm gonna get a reel. I got no fucking agent.

I think it'll work, yeah. And then you gotta just submit to fucking college movies. And for like six months, I was just doing college movies after the Comedy Store. After the Comedy Store too, I would drive to Los Feliz and there'd be a bunch of Chinese people outside fucking taping a movie. A student team.

You'd think I'm fucking Kenya. And you just learned and you just kept learning. And I couldn't use not one of those fucking reels. Listen, not one of those fucking reels could I use. They were worse than the other one. And you're like, how am I gonna, and then one day in acting class, some kid who doesn't have a zero credit

is like Mackenzie, Schultz, and Babonia, and they're not bad, and you're like, really? How'd you get with them? The guy is a fan of music. You want me to give you his package? And you're like, fuck yeah! And you give him the package, and the guy calls you three days later.

And says, come on in, I wanna talk to you. I don't have somebody like you. But that's after like two years of doing it. Okay, and then you got my buddy Ricky Cruz. Got to LA, asked me what he should do, and I said, Ricky, you're so good looking. And you're so young. Just walk into these agencies and you're so young.

Just walk into these agencies and give them a package. You gotta walk in. Yeah, but my friend in LA, walk in. He walked into the comedy place. Nobody said a word. Then he walked into Three Arts. Three Arts, his second walk in. Before he hit the door,

the girl chased him. She said, hold on, they're gonna wanna see a guy like you. You Spanish? Yeah. She wanted to suck his dick like everybody else, but he signed with three arcs. Not because he sent the package, because he went down there.

Sometimes, you never know what the combination is for you. Now they won't let you go down. Now it's like, what are you doing here? Because you're trying to sell yourself. My full life, when I got to LA, somebody came to me and said, Joey, I'm a casting director, correct? What's my job? To cast movies.

To cast a fucking movie. Hey, and to cast the best person for that role. You're not gonna always call me. Can't call me every week when I do a fucking movie, but something's gonna come up. You're gonna know the girl in my office, she's gonna send you scripts. And there's one thing you're gonna look at and go,

Joey, I want this. I'm gonna read you, I'm gonna give me the role. But it's really weird, like you have to, you have to give me half of what you do. It's just not gonna happen for people. Though I always put my own auditions on tape. That's fucking ballsy. So I would go to that fucking 7-Eleven Wednesday

at five o'clock on Curzon, it's still there. You know where Curzon and Sunset Strip? Where it all goes down. That's where the action is down there. By the Guitar Center, you don't know where that is? No. Look on a hill, right? That 7-Eleven, did we stop by it a few times?

It's like sorta like. Fuck yeah, that's the old, remember in the old days that was Stanhold, was on Curzon, Nick DiPaolo, and Mitch Hedberg was on Sierra Bonita, Ralphie May was on Gardner, and me and Josh Wolf were on Vista. That little park, we used to play tennis in the afternoons

at Gorky Park, the Russian park. We used to buy nickel bags down there. That's the name. Nick was the first guy, one of the first guys that I opened for. Nick, yeah. That was the neighborhood and those restaurants there, they have like the Thai place,

we have to take your shoes off. I don't go in there. I don't go anywhere where I gotta smell white people feet because they're filthy fucking animals even though I got a fucking guy thumbnail. I'm not gonna try to eat the coconut shrimp. Well, I gotta smell your fucking feet that smell like, oh yeah, we just came from Runyon Canyon. Well, go wash your fucking feet, you dirty bitch.

Plus you got sperm on your toenail. Whatever the fuck you got on there. But what else they got there? They got that one place on the corner that used to be a really good fucking neighborhood, man. But that's 7-Eleven, I get the fucking, They got that one place on the corner. That used to be a really good fucking neighborhood, man. But that's 7-Eleven, I get the fucking paper, the entertainment, and I'd see movies in pre-production.

Anything New York, I'd call my buddy at ICM, and I'd go get me the script for this movie. He would email them to me, and I would go through the script to finish. If there was anybody they needed from New York. I circled it down to two roles, a big one that I wanted and a small one that I wanted. So I tried to get the small one first,

and if they make contact back with me and say put it back on tape, we like you for this, then I'd send the big one. And that's how I booked The Longest Yard. Is it? Yeah. Would you like one of those backstage magazines? I was in the big one, and that's how I booked The Longest Yard. Is it? Yeah, I sent my... Was it one of those backstage magazines? No, I knew The Longest Yard was coming out,

and they wouldn't see me. They had already Big Pussy or Tony Saragusa in mind. And I just thought about it, because I was watching the Sopranos, the HBO, it was on late, and it was the only episode Saragusa ever did. It was the episode that I was the only episode Sarah Goosier ever did. It was the episode that I was supposed to do. While I was shooting Spider-Man 2, I got an email to shoot three days on the Sopranos,

his pussy's brother. Oh shit. Wait. Dog, this is, you didn't know this shit? No. So I'm shooting Spider-Man 2 like a motherfucker. I'm not shooting a thing. I'm there smoking dope, walking around,

drinking pomegranate juice like fucking, like Johnny Bustich, because pomegranate juice was heavy duty those days. It was like nine bucks with a little container and shit. You either had a shoplifter or you just didn't drink it. They had it by the half a gallon. I would get there in the morning just to get there early and I'd put the half gallon in my bag

and go right to my dressing room and sit there all day. To think of all the things Joey would cough, it's pomegranate juice. Oh, I love pomegranate juice. I love it. It's got too much sugar in it now. So I was in the middle of shooting Spider-Man 2

and I get a call, fucking, because after I auditioned for the Sopranos early, she told me to send her a tape. Anytime I booked anything Italian, and I forget what I booked, and I sent her a tape, and I didn't hear from her for like three months, and that's when I heard from her, from Georgine. That's how I heard from her. She goes, I want you to read for this role.

You basically got it. The long shot. No, the fucking sopranos. She goes, just put on a tape. It's yours to lose. That was the expression they used. It's yours to lose. I'm shooting Spider-Man 2.

I'm on the fucking set of Spider-Man 2 and she can't get my sides to me because you couldn't email them in those days. They weren't that technical. You had to fax them. Jesus. So you had to be home. It was 2001 and that was poor.

You had to be home to switch the fucking thing on the fax to phone, right? You don't remember that. You're too young. You motherfuckers are too young. I remember fax. You had to sit at home and wait for the call to come through.

Wee, wee, and dee dee, beep beep beep. And then you had to switch it so nobody was home. So I told them to send it to the comedy store. And I said, I shoot till 11.30. In those days, I wasn't even shooting, but I just hid because it would give me overtime like a motherfucker. And I wasn't going home, but I just hid because it would give me overtime like a motherfucker and I wasn't going home until the pomegranate juice

was finished, you know what I'm saying? Until I ate everything I could that day, I was out of weed. Wait, they gave you overtime and you weren't even shooting? That's badass. And I would leave my dressing room if I knew an actor went home, I would go in his dressing room and watch TV. And then when I was ready my dressing room, if I knew an actor went home, I would go in his dressing room and watch TV. And then when I was ready to go home,

like if I had an 11 o'clock spot, about 10, 15, you'd see me lurking. And I'd see like two of the girls going, Joey, where you been? We've been looking for you for an hour, you're cut. Come on, how come nobody told me? I was in my room. We went to your room 10 times.

And then I would go right to the director Sam Raimi and I go Sam. Why am I going home? What happened? Joe you've been here from seven o'clock in the morning enough is enough So I would just show up like what time you gonna be here tomorrow The sec gets here six thirty That means my call seven. But I would show up coked up for the night before just to get like a fresh breakfast, like juice and fresh fruit and shit.

Breakfast is definitely the most important part of the meal. We've learned this from the episode. You have no idea. So now I go back to the comedy store and I get to the comedy store. Eleanor says to me, Joey, your sides are in the manager's office. Yours and Domarera's, you're both auditioning

for the Sopranos and somewhere or another got to somebody on the Sopranos that me and Dom were auditioning and that motherfucker took it upon himself to go to one of the producers and say, you know Joey Deas, and in those days, that's lack of confidentiality agreement. You weren't supposed to say anything. So I got a call Friday at two in the fucking morning.

I just got home from the comedy store. I just got home, put the TV on, I'm talking to Terry, I'm betting the catch, and my fucking pager goes off with that number and I'm like what the fuck and she goes Joey What the fuck did you say anything for I'm saying to nobody I got the side sent to the comment I know and I know what happened And that was it So that's crazy Just because I've heard that that part of that story

Dude, that's crazy, just because I've heard that, that part of that story, but like, you guys were just talking about how hard it is to make up, make it, every comic's been through it. To have another comic be an asshole. Sabotage, yeah, somebody sabotage, you know who sabotaged you or no? Yeah, to this day. That's, but it was, listen guys,

how many times you book a role, dog, how many times I go for an audition for a whole week? All the way down in Orange County. All the way down there. When they used to shoot that stupid show down there. They had four shows, ABC, David whatever. He's married to Michelle Pfeiffer I think. He has studios in Orange County.

They shoot high level shit down there. They shoot down there for people like they lived in Malibu and shit. The only good thing is they have one of those bagel places on the corner. You know what I mean? I booked cold case down there. I booked a bunch of shows down there.

Yo, Uncle Joe here. Listen, I'm excited for this weekend, Jack. For the first time ever, we got an all women's boxing mega event right over there in New York City. Two title fights on the same night, Jack. If you're like me, you love the action. You need to check out DraftKings, plain and simple.

If you've never met with DraftKings, get ready for an adventure. It couldn't be easier. Just pick who you think is going to win. Put a couple bucks on it. And that's it. If you're new to draft Kings uncle Joey's gonna make your day bet five bucks and get 150 and bonus bet Into you get bet five bucks and get 150 and bonus bets Instantly get ready and put your money where your mouth is everybody knows about everything go to draft Kings. You know I'm saying

Let's get the party started download the draft DraftKings Sportsbook app right now and press in code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's me. For new customers to get 150 instantly and bonus bets when you just bet $5. Only at DraftKings Kings were eight the crown is yours Saturday night be there'll be square draft Kings Jack. Let's go back to the program right now

Gambling problem call 1-800 gambler in New York call eight seven seven eight open wire text open why and four six seven three six nine In Connecticut help is available for problem gambling call eight eight88-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boothill Casino and Resorting Kansas, 21 and over, age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources,

see dkng.co slash audio. What was I getting at? I don't even know. What were we talking about that place down there? People fucking with you? You said yeah, even when I went to Orange County. You'd go down there all week? You'd go down there all week. You'd start on a Tuesday.

There's 16 people in a room for your role. You read, you go home, and all of a sudden you get a call from your agent, you gotta go back down there on Wednesday, same place. You go back there, there's eight people in the room now, and they're all like you, right? They're all like us. And then that night you go home,

but you don't hear nothing, that's seven, so you're like, I didn't get it, but about 9, 30, 10, they call you again. They go, come on down again tomorrow morning, same place. You're gonna meet with the producers and they're also gonna do a screen test. And then you go down there again, do all that shit, and it's always at fucking four,

so you get stuck on traffic on the way back. Okay, you're not getting home till eight o'clock, so I better get something on this motherfucker. I used to get fucking pissed off when you have to go from the 10 to the 405. I don't wish to have anybody. I don't wish to have anybody. Like anybody.

And dog, you're all fucking fired up. And also on Thursday, you don't hear nothing and you're all fucking fired up. And all of a sudden Thursday, you don't hear nothing and you're fucking a gentleman so you don't wanna call your agent and go what the fuck is going on? Because they had me down there three days in a row. What's going on? And then Friday morning, you were in the shower

and you missed a call and it's your agent. And they leave a message to call you back. And you're like, oh shit, I booked it. And you pick up the phone and they leave a message to call you back. And you're like, oh shit, I booked it. And you pick up the phone and they go, hey, we just wanna call you. We went with a black guy instead. Wait a second. I've been in a room with nothing but fucking

garlicky Italians all week. And you're gonna tell me now, after $90, that fucking, they went with a fucking black guy. That happens to you too. So you have no idea the shit you get. You have no idea the stories you'll get. And that was when you had to really drive down a lot. Now everything's online for the most part

till you get to the end. Yeah, you gotta do it at home. Yeah, you gotta self tape. Yeah, you gotta self tape and I'm o gotta self tape, and I'm 0 and 92. I booked one thing on tape on my own in Jersey. It was an Apple show, it was a good show, but I haven't booked a fucking thing. I don't know if my wife's a kiss of death,

I don't know I'm the fucking kiss of death. And here's the thing, right now, listen, I'm a semi-active comic, right? But I'm looking at the comedy world today in perspective to my world at this level that you and Lee and everybody else is at right now. It's rockin' rough, guys. It's rough, and listen, it's rough at any level.

What you guys are doing, I was doing triple runs. You know, that means you do the gig and you gotta get in the car and drive eight hours Listen, it's rough at any level. What you guys are doing, I was doing triple runs. That means you do the gig and you gotta get in the car and drive eight hours to the next gig. You gotta do radio for two hours, then you go to your room and you sleep for three hours, then you gotta fuckin' go back and do radio and then go do the show. And on the way there, they tell you you can't say fuck

or Indian, you know, why Indian? Because we just don't say Indian here. You know, so you gotta, you know. Ha ha! It's always something. I'm a black or Indian, why Indian? Because we just don't say Indian here. So you gotta, you know. Ha ha. You know, it's always something. And I just want you and everybody, like I'm really proud of you.

Thank you. That you're shooting this fucking special, you know? You funded it? Well, I got an offer. Okay, there you go. They made you an offer you couldn't refuse. I mean, I just wanna, you know where I'm at with it, where it's like, I just wanna puke the hour,

I'm done with it. I'm already done with it. So it's like I'm the hour myself. Like it's like you're ready, I'm ready. So it was whether I did it myself in October, which is, I planned to do it myself this year. I came off the road with Josh and I spoke to him and he's like, just film it yourself, film your hour.

And then I got literally got that weekend, got an offer for somebody else to do it. And I was like, all right, and I get to him and he's like, just film it yourself, film your hour, and then I got literally got that weekend got an offer for somebody else to do it. And I was like, all right, and I get an advance. So I was like, okay, this makes sense. You know, man, it's... I like the bullet, the gun to my head too in the sense that like I would have done it, but I would have, not that I would have sat

on my ass with it, but it's nice when somebody's like, no, this is the date, this is the place, this is what you gotta do, so it removes that part of the thinking from me. When you know, I just wanna write jokes and tell jokes. I don't wanna do all this other stuff. So when you have somebody else to come in and kinda like, oh, okay.

And it's cool for me with Tara, cause like, I don't mean this in a bad way, but like, cause Joe, you give me like a ton of advice and it's great for me with Tara, because like, I don't mean this in a bad way, but like, because Joey, you give me like a ton of advice and it's great and I appreciate it. And you've been doing it for 30 years. But like with Tara, like I said earlier, like I've seen you go from one place, and I see you doing, and it's like,

when you were coming up, Joey, there wasn't like social media. Like there was, when we met there was, but that was just coming out, and it's like, I see a path a little bit. Please, I wanna tell you something. It's not only fucking social media guys. No, I know.

It's that, listen, you could be the funniest motherfucker to that, funniest motherfucker. You're a little edgy, maybe sometimes you have a cocktail, and you tell a bitch to suck your dick. But for the most part, everybody's scared to follow you. Everybody's talking shit about you. And you don't have a manager. You know, you don't have.

So what happens? You don't get into 50% of things. Just because you're not walking in there. I know now to get into a club, somebody's gotta call down there. When I got into the comedy school, I called myself. Who do I gotta talk to, Scott Day? Okay, I called Scott Day, Joey Diaz.

Listen, Scott, I know, I know you want a showcase. Couple guys told me about you already. We'll put your name on the list and we'll okay it and then in about six to eight months we'll call you back and they hang up the phone. And you're like, what the fuck do I do for six to eight fucking months? And through the grace of God,

Doug Stanhope called on a Friday and they asked Doug, is your buddy available? And he goes, yeah, call him up. He's at my house right now. And Scott Day called my house and he goes, you got a showcase on Sunday. You know, two weeks after that. What did that consist of, the showcase?

You had like a 10, what was the time frame? Three. Three. Yeah, that's what they give, so yeah. Three. Three. Three minutes. So remember, I got out of the car. This is what I tell people, ready? I didn't have no parents, fuckin',

I had no family, I had George, I dropped out of high school, fuckin' went to prison, okay, I fucked up, but this is a story that nobody believes. I got to LA January 27th, and I was a regular at the world famous comedy store on February 19th. On my birthday. On my birthday.

Oh shit. On my birthday. I wasn't even in LA a month. Ari had a showcase, how many times? 18 or something, him and Simone too. Who? Ari Shapiro. Shapiro, yeah?

He talks about it. Like the time before, he had like a breakdown in the main room, like through chairs or something. He talked about it a lot on his podcast. I can't imagine. A month, a month. I don't even tell this to people because they go, Joey, don't repeat that. Rogan wasn't understudied.

You guys know that, that Rogan was an unpaid regular and they made him follow Richard Pryor when he got there. Well that is crazy. The part about that that's nice for like me. Because unpaid regular who had a follower, you're not getting paid, you gotta follow Richard Pryor at midnight. That means you go on at 10 to one, one o'clock.

As everyone's leaving. As everybody's leaving after Richard leaves and the whole audience, they would throw Rogan up there. Okay, these guys, you don't see. But that's what makes you strong. That's what. That's what makes you strong. When she would fucking torture you.

Yeah. Again, I got to the, not happy people, I got to the comedy store on a Monday night. I got to LA on a Monday night. I washed my pussy, I got there in a trailer. Me and my stripper girlfriend lived in a trailer. We drove all the way from Seattle,

where by the way, in San Francisco, the frame broke. Yeah, you have no idea. That was another week, but I showcased every night in San Francisco. I got into like three clubs because the truck broke down. Never did none of the clubs, I was too busy. Went back, got to LA on a Monday Aided a cupuco restaurant. You don't know what that is. They're out of business and then went to the store and

Well, I was there. I think it was The piano player for the Stephanie mill show was from Seattle and go to Seattle, me and Josh would open for him. And there was maybe eight people in the audience. And Eddie Griffin was on stage, and Don Barris was hosting. And they were looking for somebody to go up. And James Stevens III goes, God, give my little brother Joey Diaz a shot.

And I went up there, there's a bag of dicks in front of four people. There was four fucking people. And they told me when I got off stage to go home, go to sleep, and get up, and go to the Laugh Factory on Tuesday morning. So I went to the Laugh Factory and I stood on line. I got there six in the morning.

You wait till six at night and they give you a number. Please, don't fucking come to me with no Chinese fucking stories, okay? Don't come to me with no Chinese fucking stories. Don't come to me with no white cochino. And he is the even, but the last fact, he told me to go fuck myself. He was like, nah, get the fuck out of here. You're a fucking Vegas act.

That's what he told me. But fuck him, Latino night was Monday and I was friends with Gabriel, the other Gabriel, and fucking he booked a room, and he was never there, Jamie, and it was the busiest night of the week. So I would get to go up every Monday at 9.25 in front of 300 fucking people

with people coming off the rafters. What? I was doing triple doubles back in the day. Triple doubles is when you do the improv, the laugh factory, and the Comedy Store on a Monday night. Because those were the biggest nights. It was freaky Monday at the improv, so the first five acts were white,

and then they just turned off the lights. Then it got dark up in that motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? But it was everybody. You know, what was the crazy guy from Friday? He was there every Monday. TK Kirkland, Guy Torey, who I just sent the video for his fucking son-in-law.

It was packed on Monday nights. Eddie Murphy, all those rappers who go down. It was insane. Biggest bag of dicks I ever ate was on a Monday night. At the Improv? Oh yeah, I could hear fucking the silverware. And I just walked fucking the silverware and I just walked off the stage

and didn't go down there for like a year. I was like, I ain't messing down there. They did not play on Monday nights. So I went through all that. But three weeks to be a regular at the comic store. Listen. Oh my God, I was like. But you gotta get your wins.

That's a huge win, right? But you can't have all losses, right? And that's what it is, and we talked about this the first time I ever did one of your podcasts, it's like you can get 30 bad show, 30 losses, and you get one win and you're like, all right, I'm back. And what other career are you taking all those hits? Like a motherfucker, you're back.

And now you're like, I'm fucking back. And listen, nobody's gonna argue and say you had an easy life before that. So this is a, you know, you want that win. People are rooting for Joey Diaz to get that win. That's all that keeps you. Well, people don't understand. It's like when I take a young comic with me on the road

or something, and I go, come here for a second, I pay him double. I pay him double. And in my heart, I'd rather not go home with anything and make that person's night because I remember there was a lot of people who fucked me, who said I'm gonna give you 50 bucks,

they put 35 in there. Shit like that. And there was a lot of them. But you're so green, and you just wanna work again, that you're naive. It's like getting molested. You just put're naive. It's like getting molested. You just put it behind.

It's like, you know. You just put it behind you. You can just say no. You make people feel the way comics should feel. I've been a recipient of Joey Diaz's Payday Show, and I'm like almost uncomfortable. And you're like, I know. That's the way it is.

Because I want you to know that no matter what happens in the world, you're gonna catch a breather from time to time. It may not be that guy, it may not be that, but it might be that person, or it might be a producer saying, hey, you busy next Wednesday? I need a girl just like you for one day. It's not a huge role.

You're doing one scene with Anne Hathaway, and you're like, and they're like, yeah. I could only get you like 1800 for the day. I hope that's enough, and you're like, how about $18? It shoots in the city, that means it's gonna be great catering. Anne Hathaway don't do shit unless it's high level. Nothing, even your underwear, 80 bucks. Anne Hathaway needs to look good, and so do you, dog.

So do you know what I'm saying? You know how many times on a Tuesday night, how we're sitting there broke? Yeah, I do. Fucking, I'm gonna stay home on a Tuesday, and then go, fuck this, I'm gonna go to the comedy store, and get down there all Sunday like, Joey, you're here. Why, I don't have a spot tonight.

Well, you do tonight, four people canceled. And you're like, Joey, you're here. Why, I don't have a spot tonight. Well, you do tonight. Four people canceled. And you're like, four people canceled? Like, go up there at 10 o'clock. You just made $15. I was never so happy to make $15. It's a Tuesday night at the Comedy Store. But $15 by 10 o'clock?

Shit. Bring those bitches on. Where's Rick James with my freaks? You know what I'm saying? at the comedy store, for $15 by 10 o'clock, shit. Bring those bitches on. Where's Rick James with my freaks? You know what I'm saying? I'm a granite juice for everybody. Yeah. $15. And you know what, I got another three.

I'll stick this out for another three. It's like when they go to kill Morty. In the Wings. In Goodfellas, when they go to kill Morty. And he goes, thatfellas when they go kill Morty and he goes, that thing, don't worry about it to me. Aw, that broke my heart. Yeah, it breaks my heart too, but the point is, you're like, you know what, I was thinking

about packing my bags, my mother's got one from the grave, one of Banana Peel, you know what, I'm not doing much out here, and all of a sudden, you got a great spot and you're like, looks like my mother's dying without me on her bedside. Ha ha ha ha. That's like, I know you're like, sounded like you were embarrassed about getting this,

don't think you're embarrassed about it. But like, for someone like me who right now is like struggling, like I feel like I'm having good sets and I don't expect to be in this, even in the top two levels of clubs. But like, you know, the smaller New York clubs, I think I I should be in and they know they won't call you back but it's like if If you'd gotten in at the improv or the laugh factory that wasn't the right club for you You got in at like the perfect club for you and the same with you. Listen, I'm gonna tell you right now

I've had managers Lee tell me floor managers of clubs where we come over to me, I'd be doing Killing in New York, or whatever, I hate to even say killing, but you know when you're doing well. And they go, hey, this club records you, and when they record you and they send you your set, send it back to them and tell them they don't book you. And there was a moment where I was like, it doesn't make a difference what I do,

I'm not getting booked. Like I'm getting these produce shows, or I'm finding my way in but nobody's booking me And so the point where I fought it so much they go this is it This isn't my path this club this booker this scene this city is not for me I'm not gonna sit home, which I was for a while sitting there feeling bad for myself I'm gonna go find where they're gonna book me Right and and and creating your own opportunity.

I was producing my own shows. I was getting guys like Bobby Kelly and Rich Voss and I was getting these guys come and do my shows because I was paying money, I was paying more than anybody else because I knew how to get people, I knew how to treat people, I was giving people dinner and then I was getting, I had to create my own opportunity. Also, I had to stop fighting it.

If I'm not gonna get booked here, then I gotta go where I'm gonna get booked. I couldn't fight it forever, for me anyway. Define struggle, Lee. What do you mean? What, like the struggle I'm having? You just mentioned before, I'm not mad at you. No, no, no, no, no.

I just want you to tell me define, struggle. And the thing is, I'm further ahead than a lot of people at my level, but it's, you know, when I moved here almost a year ago, my goal was to like be getting a spot a night, in my head, I was like, if I could get four to five spots a night at any club, four to five spots a week, sorry, at any like actual club, not just a bar.

I would like that's, and like I've auditioned at places and they've got, like I've gotten good feedback. I've gotten spots, but then like someone else is, so it's just, I, the struggle that I'm having right now is getting like, Tara saying, like at the, at actual clubs getting consistently booked is, is been harder than I thought it was gonna be. There's a lot of comedians out there. I'm not, listen, I'm not making excuses for anybody, but I'll tell you what's going on.

Right now, if you wanna do anything, you gotta go to social media. If you really think it's social media, Lee, I want you to go to social media and go, how can I make my social media different? What can I make my social media about that I'm doing something different than anybody else? You know, I go on social media and this is what I see.

I see people doing stand-up, I see some guys swinging kettlebells, right? A ton of people swinging kettlebells, a ton of people doing stand-up, I see some guys swinging kettlebells, right? A ton of people swinging kettlebells, a ton of people doing stand-up, and a ton of people doing jujitsu, and a ton of vitamins for sale. That's my algorithm. Whatever the fuck people say.

And cats. And sometimes cats. Siamese lover. I know. I'm part of the Siamese community. And it's weird what I see, and I'll check with these comedians to see what they're doing. And it's all, listen, if I wake up in the morning,

like I can't tell you how aggravated that was on the 4th of July. And I'll tell you afterward at a particular club. Because there's reasons why I don't work in a club and people will ask me, I never tell them the truth, like it's too far, but this could be one thing. And this was the one thing why. And I felt like emailing Leon and going,

you're such a fucking mutt. Okay, that's what I am. I'm a social media repairer. Because you're just looking like a mutt. And if I'm on that schedule, you're making me look bad. That means I'm begging on the 4th of July. The only thing that should be coming out of your fucking thing on the 4th of July is, hey, we're open for lunch

and we're serving an American special. Or we are closed today and due to respect for the soldiers who are falling for our freedom. It's that simple. We'll reopen next Tuesday, call us then. This motherfucker was, every time I looked at Instagram, he had a new comic up.

He's pushing September and October and August, and I'm like, this guy can't even sell it next weekend. But he's, you know, and I feel like calling the guy and going, you're a bum. You're a fucking mortal, you know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck are you doing? There are people who are just disasters. They have no cool in life

and that carries over to their social media. It's the 4th of July. Don't say a fucking word. Unless it's a picture of you with your pussy with an army hat on and there's an old guy dying of a heart attack with a tongue condom on or whatever the fuck you call those things That's it with a date. That's all that's gonna sound the 4th of July Nothing else happy 4th of July. Oh, don't even say that

Do you always little see when people are reaching I can always tell when this motherfucker? He's been sitting there for two hours thinking about what he could tweet Like today a famous and I'm my heart's and I know this guy personally. He's a fucking junkie If this guy's is shooting heroin or eating ping-pong tables or whatever he ain't on to it ping-pong tables Whatever they do ping-pong pills. I don't know Fuck they do ping pong pills, I don't know. Whatever the fuck they do. Today, my hearts and prayers with the people from Texas, stop, stop, I know you, I know you, you don't even go to Texas.

Come on, man. Don't even go to Texas. Come on, like, come on. You should comment that, just stop, all caps. No, like stop. Like I look at that shit and go stop. Don't even put nothing You know, I hate when somebody dies and also everybody's gonna do My Jesus Christ is anything sacred The dude just died an hour ago. There you are. Here's me and him at a bowling tournament

The dude just died an hour ago and there you are. Here's me and him at a bowling tournament in fucking Poughkeepsie. Listen, nobody cares, all right? The guy's dead, he can't do nothing for you. What are you putting the picture up, anyway? He's dead. What the fuck is wrong with people? Watch, just wait for somebody to die.

Go on Instagram the next day, everybody's got a picture. Oh, everybody's has that, yeah. Oh my God. It's like, go on Instagram the next day, everybody's got a picture of it. Oh everybody's outside, yeah. Oh my God, it's like, come on. Maybe the few close people do it to commemorate, the others do it to brag if it's somebody famous, that's how I look at it, you know? I don't know, that's how I always viewed it, like they just wanna show that they, yeah, yeah.

But it's not like they're at their house for a barbecue, it's like they caught them in line at a Starbucks, and the person has no idea who they are. So you have no. When I met so and so briefly. Listen, if you're a fucking person who comes to comedy shows and you're part of the church family

and you wanna come take a picture, let's do it. Nothing bothers me more than walking to a comedy show and the comic wants to take a picture. I want to stab him in the fucking neck. Because guess what? I'm getting a picture today. Oh yeah, you're getting a picture. Because guess what?

You're gonna put that picture on Facebook, but come here, let me tell you something. You still suck. Oh. That picture is not gonna do anything for you. It's not gonna do anything. You can put all the pictures up of you and Chappelle smoking a cigarette.

It's true. If you don't have it, you don't have it. So I'd rather you go on a fucking, I don't know, I looked at things, I'm a fucking, listen, I'm a closet communist. For me, I'm a personal, I'm not like that fucking hump in New York, Bodega's, the state run, fuck that shit. I'm a communist on me.

Like I'm a communist on my thinking and my ways. Like this is how I'm sticking to this, and this is how I'm fucking doing this. But you just start doing this shit, and you're like, you have to, remember when I first got together with you, Lee? I'm thinking doing this shit. You're like you have to Remember when I first got together with you Lee. Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about this today When I first got together with you house fucking off Where my fucking tweets in the morning? Oh my god

If you go into my tweets now You'll find some fucking shit that will blow you away if you think I'm gonna go on there and erase them, I don't give a fuck. I remember two of them specifically. You remember two of them? That they would throw me under the jail now about sucking the blue ink, what's the ink? What's the ink, pastor?

Squid ink? Squid. What's the squid ink out of Michelle Obama's pussy? They'll throw me under the fucking train now. I don't give a fuck I said it and that's how I met that bitch got good pussy Everything she's a half a fag not in my world. She's got she's packing heat under there She's got that gumbo pussy from Africa That shit comes No difference, I like everything like oh when we got together, you sometimes,

you were sending these tweets out up until like, But my point is, Recently. That in my mind, my philosophy was looking, even if I was a plumber, licensed business, kids, church going, my ads would still be off color on there in the morning. Get your pipe sucked, every day I would be off color.

I stuck a pipe in your ass and every, I get a guy who just specialized in pipe jokes. That's all he did, listen, I need 10 pipe jokes this week. Because guess what, you're gonna think that I'm awkward, but when you get in a pinch, you're gonna think of the pipe guy. So when I did my comedy on social media, I did it not to be like everybody else.

I went for the jugular, but I also gave you something first. I gave you a joke and I also told you, it's Tuesday, motherfucker. And whatever you think, like, it's gonna change. No it isn't. That's bullshit. You gotta get up, wash that pussy, go in the mirror and say,

how many more days do I keep taking in the ass? And people would hit me back and go, oh my God, I looked at it with my grandmother, it changed my life. I just bought two tickets for your show, boom. Because I made you give me a reaction. Right. It's all about a reaction.

Fighting, when we box, it's about me getting you off balance. Boxing is off balance. That's it. Everything is off balance. Jiu-Jitsu, I wanna take that leg, I'm putting the weight on that leg. So this is what you do. Instead of using it for that shit, I thought about comedy and social media

and how I'll give them something. And then, you can't give them dates every fucking day you can't give them dates every fucking day You cannot give me dates every fucking day because then I don't want to look at your shit no more Because I know there's gonna be a date in there. I want you to give me a something without a date I don't care if it's you cut your toenails. I really don't Those so those videos still go viral. Those videos, it's Tuesday, I see them to this day. Videos of you.

People still repost all of those videos, like constantly. The morning joy. The morning joy. Oh no, no, no. It's insane. But I will say this as the best advice I ever got in comedy, and I say this to Lee because it came from Joey and Josh and Colin Quinn, the three people that leaned into me the most with this Joey I don't you probably remember you remember saying these things to me

One thing you said is when I was like feeling down and I'm like I'm selling but I'm not you were like listen There's a lot of funny comedians not selling tickets. What makes you different? I have this written on my phone what you said to me. You said your audience has to they have to spend money They have to get a babysitter, some of them. They gotta leave their house. Nobody wants to leave their fucking house no more. They gotta come see you. Why are they coming to see you?

What are you giving them? And then I think that Haktou girl got real famous for being specific and she was showcasing herself. You called me like 11 o'clock at night. You said, listen to me. See this girl, she's showing herself. You gotta tell people who the fuck you are. You look at her social media. Yeah, you said, look. Whoever took over her social media, Listen to me see this girl. She's showing herself. You got to tell people who the fuck you are

Yeah, you said whoever took over her social media Fucking it was a corporation of fucking you made me look at it You look at it and he said you got to tell people who you are So I started coffee talk anything he said I did it right I go fuck it. I'm listening It's joey telling me same with josh wulf and collin Colin Quinn, they gave me the same advice as Joey's saying right now on this podcast. Josh and Colin both said to me, the more specific you are,

this was the best thing I ever heard, because I didn't believe it, I thought the opposite. The more specific you are, the more universal you're gonna be. What makes you different? And I got popular by accident because I got online, I got nostalgic one day and said, these are words or phrases I heard growing up

on my New York Italian neighbor. And I said, mama del, school of boss, su n'nod, bacha galoo. It was so stupid, the video to me in my mind, I posted it. I go, let me take that video down, it was so dumb. The minute I went to go take it down, hundreds of thousand views, people were buying tickets to down. It was so dumb. The minute I went to go take it down, hundreds of thousands views,

people were buying tickets to shows. People were coming to shows going, oh my God, I can't believe you did jokes. I said, what did you think you were coming to see this? Oh, we thought you were going to do the words. I said, you will come. You bought tickets, spent money to know, do words you already know. But guess what? I was they were relating to me. It was something different.

I reminded them I'm home. I remind them were relating to me. It was something different. I reminded them I'm home. I reminded them of people. That's what made me different But at the time I go, oh my god I had like this ego like I was too good of a comic to just do these videos I try to take myself too seriously Really what I did was just stand out and and be really really specific the way he was like I'm gonna give you something. I was giving them something and they didn't realize what I was even giving them. See that's like The struggle that I'm having is I don't know

What I have to give them that's like unique. I look at social media. I'm like, okay, this is an idea I look at 18,000 people are doing it. What's gonna work for this person's not gonna work I throw shit at the wall to see with six Joey call me me one stop interviewing people on the street. I don't know Joe But these interviews you don't got to interview anybody tell people who you are But I hated those words and phrases so I started going on the street asking people if they knew the words and phrases He calls me up stop Doing love when you get a call from Joey and he's like halfway through yelling at you already?

Yeah, but I'm like, you know what? I take, listen. Joey calls, I listen, right? You're gonna listen. He's not saying it. He doesn't, he does not benefit personally from it. No, no. He's like, I want you to do better. This is, he's giving you his experience. So that's what I says, I throw shit at the wall

to see what sticks. I went all the way to LA to get booked. Yeah, good for you. Listen, part of my growth as a comic is given the younger comics growth. Just little things. You can't give somebody. But you pick your people.

No matter what I do, I can call CAA tomorrow and go, I'll leave you. You better sign, Tara. Okay, a lot of comments have done that. Have gotten their opening acts of friends signed because of a threat you should. They're gonna get a special, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'll tell you those names later, too.

A lot of people have made it. You know how long that lasts? 30 days. They'll keep you. You'll be with CA or UTA. They'll keep you for 20 years. That don't mean, they'll return your call once in a good while.

Hey, you called, yeah, last March. Yeah. I was thinking about you. I had a role for you in the movie, but I couldn't get ahold of you, yeah, yeah. So the last March. I mean, it's crazy. So all that shit, that's a pipe drawing for a lot of young comics because I believed it. I

Was mad at a friend of mine 20 years ago over He's out of the business now because he told me he's gonna get me signed with his there was a really good booking agency out of a really good booking agency out of that small town in Northern California as you get out of, it's an hour from Ojai. One of the best booking agencies in the world was in Ojai. And they were mixed in some way with the Eagles. When I first got to LA,

if you signed with that comedy division, you were good to go. And they only had like maybe eight comedians. Maybe Wendy Liebman was one of them. I forget, but you know, I remember I was trying to, he told me, he goes, I'll get you in with them. You had to sell tickets. They weren't gonna sign you to develop you. You know, they could do that for free without no,

they could just have whoever's gonna bring you on the road. So it was just, I don't know. It's different today. You just gotta, when we started the podcast, Lee, what time did we start it at? Six a.m. Why? Because we wanted to get to them first.

We wanted to get to you first, and we were coming at you live then. We didn't really know, but the heart was still there. How much were we making back then a month, Lee? Not much. 100 bucks, 200? Yeah, I remember the first, 6 a.m. was the first one.

I won't get up at 6 a.m. For fucking less than 2000 a week here we were getting up for $200 a month You want to come at me again with your bullshit? That's why whenever agents now want to sign you they want to take a piece of your podcast You could but you got to get up with me fucking two years At six in the morning, so if I don't do a podcast just come over rub my feet

And make me fresh squeezed orange juice. We'll leave it at that Because that's exactly what me and Lee did Two fucking days a week 545 we saw a chicken was get abducted Yeah, I'm fucking whatever in Hollywood, this was real, dog. You hit a guy with your car door. Yeah, I hit a guy with my car door, I wasn't fucking around. This was real, nobody was making money.

This was something, he believed it and I believed it. And that's why we're here, how many years later? It'll be 14. Yeah, how many people started the podcast 10 years ago? I'm gonna go in there and make a ton of money Six months. Yeah, we quit man. There's no money in it. Oh, you didn't get up at six in the morning for a fucking year and smoke dope like motherfuckers at six in the morning

I mean we weren't just doing a bong at Nick Nick. We were lighting that fucking apartment on fire We were walking out of there ready to die. I would leave there at eight in the morning like, how am I gonna do this the rest of the day? I remember getting in my car and going, I am fucked up. What year was this? We started in 2011. I was still working.

And I knew, you wanna think of people first, the idea was to do it at six in the morning, but we also started at six in the morning because I was working from seven p.m. to five a.m. on TV shows. So I'd go from there to Joey's house and then I would get so fucked up that I was going to Jack in the Box

at eight in the morning, ordering $30 worth of dinner. Everyone else was getting a coffee and an egg sandwich. I have four burgers. I was getting fucked up. Oh, I would, oh, I'd go home and pass the fuck out. One time a cop hit me. I forgot about that.

One time, dude, we went to a, we had a, the podcast is out at eight in the morning. I was driving home high, scared as fuck. A cop hit me with his side mirror and it was his fault. And he was like, pull over, it's my, I'm gonna, and I was paranoid as fuck a cop hit me with his side mirror and and he was his fault and he was like pull over it's my I'm gonna and I was paranoid as fuck and he luckily nothing happened but that was Jesus Christ that was a crazy fucking time the homeless people would break into offices like we did my favorite you were talking about the tweets that you had my favorite from that time were every week,

no matter what, Lindsay Lohan was gonna be there. All the comedy shows. Yeah, I know, exactly. All your comedy shows. Yo, whenever I booked a comedy show back then, eight o'clock, Bray Improv, buy tickets right now, Lindsay Lohan, cocaine, the guitarist, marijuana, edibles, and Doug.

Every show, I get three people coming up to me, where's Lindsay Longhand? I would just look him in the face like, you cannot be this fucking stupid. But I got a reaction. That taught me about reactions. That was a whole education. That was, I had an all education happening at once.

Now I didn't even know it. I was learning how to sell tickets, learning how to put a podcast together, still doing stand up, learning how to be a headliner. Because listen, I was doing comedy 20 years and I got the call. And the first week I went out to headline, gay boots.

It was funny, but it was Comedy Star. It was just Buck Wild. It was 40 minutes of fucking, you know, the original room. Can't do that to people in Columbus, Ohio. No? No! Why? Ah, Lee.

They're nice people. They go home after the comedy shows. They put on like, Jed Jingle, and they watch some, I play the guitar on Sundays. No, I went out there like a fucking savage. I could see it in their face. I could see it in their face. The first time I went to Columbus, I didn't tour.

I only went on the road with Rogan, and he wanted you to be a fucking animal. Right. For for 15 20 minutes And then he would go on and I could do whatever and say whatever the fuck I wanted to To say so I went out headlining like that. I was like, ooh They don't like me that much well, and then they didn't bring me back for 18 months and I was like, oh And this is I told the guy and he goes I didn't bring you back because we were close for a year you fucking idiot We did the club not cuz I don't like yours. No, you did great. I was like, oh my god

He goes you didn't bomb but you were buckwild. Oh, yeah, I was buckwild but like that's also something crazy, because once you start selling tickets, I would imagine not everyone there is someone you actually want there. So you go on buck wild, the people who liked you probably fucking loved you. Love you, yeah. And then they'll definitely come back.

Because you're selling tickets, but you don't want people there who think Lindsay Lohan's gonna be there, or you're doing Adam Sandler stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no. At the end of the day, if you make them show up to that fucking show, you better deliver the fucking goods. Okay? Right.

And you know me before shows, you know the type of person I am. If you know anything about me, I give a fuck about that show. I don't give a fuck about the paycheck, I don't give a fuck about nothing. I give a fuck about rockin' that show. I don't give a fuck about the paycheck, I don't give a fuck about nothing. I give a fuck about rockin' that world. And in those days, when you first start to sell tickets, that's real pressure.

Because Friday night now, it's not a joke anymore. You're not at J.Co's bar, under the basement, they sell bagels upstairs. You're at a real fucking facility now. And all eyes aren't watching you, but they are watching you. And you know what? That show, the first show, they see 240,

you got 200 in there, you better leave blood on that stage. Yeah. Yeah, you feel that pressure. Once people started buying tickets for me, it was a different weight on my shoulders. I'm like, I had you in my ear, these people paid money, this, it's like, oh my God, they're not coming to see me by accident. I don't gotta be funny by chance.

I gotta be funny because they're coming to see me. They're coming to see you. And they're the same people that wanna see you 10 years from now and go, we want to see you in that little room, look at you now, you're opening up Beyonce. You know, you're opening up Beyonce. You know, you're opening up Beyonce. You know, you're opening up Beyonce. You to see you 10 years from now and go, we want to see you in that little room,

look at you now, you're opening up Beyonce, you know, whatever the fuck. And you do something cool that like not a lot of comic, Joey has one, but like you have a residency too, what's that like? I did that because that was again advice from Josh, because it was like, he goes, where are you gonna get? You're gonna get four hours a month,

that's gonna be close to 50 hours, close to 50 hours a year. Where are you getting that stage time? You're getting that because you gotta come back undeniable from that. I don't care where it is, I don't care how many people are gonna see you, you still gotta get up on stage for four hours a month and do it. So where is it?

I did it in Niagara Falls. Did you? I did it in Niagara Falls. Did you? I did it, yeah, I did it there. And it was great because I did the jokes that I knew I had to work right for the special and I had 15 minutes after I gave them what they wanted, I felt, to work on the new stuff and to start developing what I think my voice is now.

That helped so much. I mean, there were nights where I was like, I don't wanna be in the same place, and I wanna do these jokes in the same place. Cause then I'm like, I'm doing these jokes sometimes in the same place, and it's like, you get in your own head. But, and he was right, it made me better.

There were moments you grow all the time. Joey just said he still, you know, gets moments where he learns. I just learned. So to me, it's like. gets moments where he learns, I just learned. So to me it's like. If I took anybody right now and said, you're not going on the road.

Oh yeah, you can't, I'm sorry. Every Wednesday at eight o'clock, you're gonna go up on my stage and do 30 or 45 minutes. You're a professional, you call yourself a professional, you better have 10 minutes of new material every fucking Wednesday. And I wanna see you blossom it from there. I'm gonna give you 80% of the door every Wednesday.

You can still go on the road there. Do you have any idea what that does to you? And you start with two a month, and then you just go, I just wanna do everything. Because I'd rather get 30 people. That's it. For me to get the party started legitimately, I need 30 people.

30 people I could write jokes, I could write jokes on the run, on the move, ask questions. You cover all your bases and get, and I agree with you. That's the way to do it. And I had a guaranteed salary in my head. So I said to myself, I know I got this residency. I know I'm gonna make this amount of money.

Now I have a little bit more liberty to say yes to things or to travel for things I gotta go in my pocket for because I know I'm covering myself. Comedy for me still, I'll say it, there's no ego, I'm still investing in myself constantly. But now I'm not doing it anymore. I used to pay to open for people because I had to pay for my own hotel,

I had to pay for my meal, I had to pay for my travel, and I'm making club pay. I know. And this was recently opening for somebody, you know? So, Joey, no idea that. So, but you know what? I looked at it this way. I know I'm gonna deliver.

I know the audience I'm going in front of. I'm gonna pull them. I'm gonna make them follow me. And let me tell you something. This year was my first tour. How many people came to tell me they saw me when I first opened up for that person? So I'm like, you know what?

I got my money back. I got your money back. No, it's always, listen, what's that stupid thing? But it's hard. No one, no good deed goes. Yeah, it's true. I'm telling you, it's always something. And it may not be when you want it.

Which I've had to accept. I just want to enjoy it a little bit more. Because now I look at this, I go, this is my life. I'm not young. Like, I want to be able to at least pay for my opener. I want to say I can take Leigh on the road with me, I can take Dan Altano on the road with me, and I can hang out with my friends.

I'm serious. I don't, being on the fucking road in a new city could be depressing as fuck. It weighs you to fuck. It weighs on you. If I can spend, I'm not nervous anymore about my shows at night. I want, I can enjoy the day. I used to get nervous, I can spend, I'm not nervous anymore about my shows at night. I can enjoy the day.

I used to get nervous. I used to wanna stay in the room and work on my set. I don't wanna do that anymore. I wanna go get lunch. I wanna be with my friends. I just wanna make enough money so I can support my friends and make enough money to get myself to the next level. That's all of it.

It's not about making so much money. It's about like I gotta start enjoying it. Because my ass is old. Where's your next residency? Same place? I'm done now. I finished those shows. I got one more weekend in December that I promised them.

And now I'm in LA. So there's no residency there, but I'm getting up. All right, so now you're special. You're taping this? This Saturday, July 12th. The Triad Theater. Eight o'clock. Seven o'clock, show, doors open 630.

Dressed to impress. Dressed, I mean, listen, you're gonna be on camera. I don't know. But. Dressed to impress, Lee's gonna be there. He's gonna be there with Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. With pomegranate juice for everybody. Courtesy of Joey, he's going in.

Old school. And I'm excited for it, I am. Any tickets on sale still? Tickets are on sale, there's a few left at tarajokes.com, but it's gonna be a sell out. I'm very happy. I love it, it was great to see you. Thank you, Joey called me.

I saw you were taking it. He pays attention. He pretends he doesn't. He doesn't like when I'm interviewing people on the street but he did see the promotion for the special and he called and I love you for calling. I love you too, I'm very proud of you. Thank you.

I'm very proud of you taking the chance and all the little things you've done lately is fucking remarkable. You went out there, know Harvey Weinstein. You went out there, and you're all in this shit. And that's it, I love you. Good luck, I'll be in Cape May. We're gonna FaceTime you after.

You have to FaceTime one more time. Okay, I'll try my best. Love you guys. Lee, where you at this weekend? Luxor Lounge, July 10th, Thursday. What's Luxor Lounge? In Greenwich Village. It's a bar, it's a great show, very excited. The Luxor Lounge. July 10th, Thursday. It's Luxor Lounge. In Greenwich Village. It's a bar, it's a great show, very excited.

The Luxor Lounge. Oh yeah. Very nice, all right, I'm nowhere. I still got my eyes all fucked up. My elbow still recovering, you know, from somebody trying to take blood out of it. But anyway, I love you guys with all my heart. I hope you had a great fourth.

I hope you still got a finger and eye. If you lost tonight, fuck it. Now you got a story. Every fucking year, Christmas, what happened? Listen, you're not gonna believe it. Ha ha ha. I love you, cocksuckers. Stay black.

Saturday night, Triad Theta. Tara. Kana-Stracie. Kara-Stracie, all right. I love you guys. Lead two, Luxor Lounge. Have a great week, stay black. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here.

Listen, all sex is good sex, but if you're not having any sex because of ED, it's time for Blue Chew Jack. They're the original brand of chewable tablets for better sex there's a tablet with the same ingredients as Viagra and the same active ingredients as Syallis and a combo tablet with both active ingredients so you can choose your own adventures Yeah, you know saying everybody likes an adventure from time to time

Get ready to enter the room your own adventures. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Herbie likes an adventure from time to time. Get ready to enter the room. Dick first, Jack. Uncle Joey style. Discover your options at BlueChu.com. Again, that's BlueChu.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners on a beautiful Tuesday morning. As always, get your first month of blue chew

Absolutely free. That's right. You heard me right just pressing caught probe promo code Joey J O E Y at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping and that's it and get ready to sling Big dick this summer. You know I'm saying the kind of dick that you wake up in the morning and they're just people laying around you you don't even know they are you know I'm saying they're all scratching their head too what happened anyway listen join blue choose a mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time Jack head to blue chew calm for details and safety info. And I want to thank BlueChu for sponsoring the podcast and for having our back for years. Like they said, listen, get ready to work that pelvis.

You know what I'm saying? Get those kettlebells, throw them out the window, it's over. You're working it, Jack. I love you. Head to BlueChu.com right now for details and safety information.