Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz has had enough!

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Joey and Lee talk Lee's honeymoon in Japan, Joey's recovery from knee replacement surgery, why Joey sets his life up entirely differently than he used to and why it has changed his life and much more! SHOW NOTES Save 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/CHURCH with promo code CHURCH. Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/ Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people, is the church of what's happening now. Next edition, whatever the hell of it is. I know we were gone last week. Lee was in Japan walking around. I had my surgery, but we're back in a big way. What's up, Tarzan?

Oh, I'm happy to be back. It was a good. It was really fun. I haven't taken a vacation in 15 years. That was, you know what was crazy? And I wanted to, I was thinking about you the whole time. How crazy was it coming here? and not speaking the language?

Or did you speak the language when you got here? I don't even know. Because that was like I've been to Israel once or twice and then Japan, I mean Canada and Mexico, but like not speaking the language was pretty fucking interesting. It made me think a lot about people coming here and like me being a little bit more understanding because like going somewhere and you can't speak the language and you can't like talk to someone at the train station. And now with the phone, you can like translate and kind of translates it for you.

But even like the signs, like everything. It's just not speaking the language was fucking really interesting. And you got to go up to people and point to the map and food. Food. Food. Oh, food they figured. Food they knew. Food they had English menus and they didn't fuck around.

That was, it was. And it, you know, what saved was great about it. It's one of the countries where they don't, they get mad if you tip. Saved a lot of fucking money not, it's 20% on everything. And it was amazing.

It was, the food was out of, it was, it was just stuff that I'd never experienced. Like I had, I ate an entire shrimp with like the head on, a little fish. But I,

I don't know. It was just the whole thing like, Tokyo. makes New York look small. I pulled a you on one thing. We were, like the third or fourth day, we were walking and go see like this palace they had. And when they kept sending us the wrong part.

So we did like 25,000, we did like 25, 28,000 steps a day for like five days straight. And we were sitting down. We had like another 10 minutes to go to get to the palace. We finally were on the right path. And we looked at each other like, it's all right. We just laugh. What are we doing?

Oh, my God. Two years looking for a palace, what are you, Columbus? Oh, my God. Leave the ballast. Just, fuck. And it was, that was funny, but then I got to do stand-up in Tokyo. That was really cool. Made me think about Tom Rhodes, like how he did his career.

But were the Japanese people in the audience or American? One or two Japanese, but it was mostly, like, European and American people who live there now. It's called, like, the Tokyo Comedy Bar. It's like, it's a perfect room for me. It's like 50 people there. And it was just really, that was really cool. And then I know, I know you love Okinawa. Okina, it was weird.

It was like a little bit run down in like the main parts of it. But I drove. It's American, right? And they do. They have an American town because they have a base. It's a base. Right. It's a base.

But the rest of it not really, like, it's a lot of farms. The beaches were really, I went snorkeling. They put me in a wetsuit, which is hysterical. I look at you got you out of it. Me too. I'm surprised. Dude, I felt you had to sit on the edge of the boat and like jump in the water. And I got ahead. I had the fucking goggles.

I had the flippers on. I went to go sit down on the edge of the boat. And I fell into the boat. And oh. But yeah, that was crazy. I got into a fight with somebody on a plane. I, and like, you know, I don't get into fights with anybody.

But like, they had to separate. us on the plane. Because I don't, we had like a three hour flight before the 15 hour flight home. And I reclined my seat. I wanted to take a nap. And I know I'm short.

So it's, I know a lot of people don't like when you recline the seat. If he had asked me like, hey man, do you mind not reclining? I would have, I would have, but he just kept kicking it like he was a kid.

Oh yeah. Fuck you. And at the end of it, I just looked, I turned around. He's like, you're a fucking, he called me a cunt,

which I thought was great. And then the, uh, the flight attendant just moved me up to basically like at the front of the plane, me and me and the wife just so we wouldn't run into each other after because he was going off. He was really.

And I get it. I get like if you're from scrunching you because I had people doing that to me on the next light. But you can't. If you're not going to talk to me like a human being, I'm not going to just assume that was crazy. And then I was telling George on the way down here. Have you ever gotten scammed by a cab driver in New York?

No. I got we There's a thing that To go from JFK to Manhattan It's like a flat rate We get it in 20 minutes to the ride He hands me a note It's gonna be a hundred bucks

And I think that it's actually not It's 70 plus whatever And he turned around And took his back to JFK Because I wouldn't I wouldn't take the hundred bucks Just because he said it It was a

A crazy two weeks But it was You would love it You would love Japan There's a lot of fucking walking. That's a lot. There's a lot of fucking... I don't want to walk anywhere. Like, it's a phrase. That's why I won't go on vacation.

I want to go from my hotel downstairs. It's got to be on the same block. There's a lot. You could do that in Tokyo. I don't want to see no palaces and I don't know. No, we did, honestly, we did like three things. We just went and ate the whole time. Yeah, that's basically what I would do. Yeah.

Just eat, maybe go see a rock or something. Yeah. But I'm not walking no 30,000 miles of fucking day. No, it was a lot. You get like two blocks out of me. I like shit all-inclusive. I'm very old-fashioned. I like everything in my neighborhood.

So if I got to go to another neighborhood, you lost me, you lost me. It was, because there's so many neighborhoods. I thought L.A., New York was big. Tokyo was just nothing. Anyway,

it's weird because it was a lot of it in the future, but also kind of in the past. Like they had, they still a toll boat, toll booth people. the cab drivers wore suits, which was great. That's what I, like the, the, very clean. Very clean.

Very clean. The trains are super clean. Spotless. The dude, they have cloth seats on the subway like this, like your couch. That would get so full of piss in New York in like not even an hour. That was great. Honestly, everything, everything was really cool. I didn't like driving on the wrong side of the street. That was terrifying.

It's a little confusing at first. Yeah. Oh, my. Anybody. You're on the left side. Yeah. On the right side. You don't know.

You're on the left. You're on the left side and you, they move the steering wheel to the other side of the car. So that was fucking. So the steering wheel is on the right hand side. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. The steering wheels on the right hand side, but then you're also driving on the

left hand side of the road. I don't give a fuck about that. I'm talking about where's the steering wheel on the car? Right hand side. So you're driving in the right hand side. Hello? When the fuck do you? You do that.

Oh, I know. I drive on, you see me play GT. I drive all over the road. Left, right, straight up, backwards. That's the least of my fucking worries. I'm talking about getting in a car green and going, okay, welcome to Tokyo. Get in that fucking car and start pedaling.

Oh, I would have. You're on the right side. Dude, I would have. My fucking side. I didn't, I was only drove in Okinawa. I would have killed somebody in Tokyo. But you know what? They did have, they did have rickshaws in Kyoto.

They have like a forest of only bamboo trees. Yeah. Like they're fucking done up nice. If they had it at the palace, I would have seen it. But they only had it in like the little... Would you stop with the palace? See, the best thing was if you were taking that for the palace. I know.

That's the pinpair. See some poor Japanese guys sweating after three hours. That motherfucker, he'll take a tip. Oh, yeah. All these people, no, it's against tipping. You give that motherfucker $14 that just drove you. on his back for two hours. Oh.

Get the fuck out. I got to take everything. Slippers. He don't give a fuck. You'll take the soles off your feet. But then, and then prostitution is legal there. It's like not legal, but it is.

They have rules. Like, you just, you can't have sex, but you can, like, blow jobs are fine. They have, like, the entire area where our hotel was, which they call, like, soap lands. It was very, it was a very surprising Soap land

Yeah, they go with like soap and like wash you and give you blow jobs I have no, I didn't go I didn't go in But it was uh I honestly just made me want to do more of that Blow jobs Blow jobs would be great but no I'm just doing like I can't wait to go to like Australia now And do stand up London and do stand up But it was uh

Ooh I thought about you on the flight too 15 hours That was fucking That was rough. That's all right. Yeah. You got nowhere to go. That part's not bad. You're just bumping into people and shit.

You're in your room. My ass was numb for like a day and a half after that. That's a long flight. You get tired, man. 15 hours in the plane. That's a long time. No. Not good for me.

How much could you do now? Could you do California? Six? Don't want to. Okay. Don't want to. I'm like, fuck that. How have you been?

dude, how's the week been? It was good, man. Listen, I just got it down to what the thing is. Because I'm like everybody else. I'm like, you guys, I'm like, you guys are watch. My mind strays, you know, and you're working on something, and then you just fall into a different hole. But with this, I think the first time I had the surgery,

I didn't take care of myself, like, during it. That's why I heard it eight times the first two months. So this time I'm sticking. to my fucking, like I'm dying and go do stand-up. Really? Yeah, like 10 minutes, you know? Not an hour. I don't feel like getting on a plane.

Ten minutes somewhere. But I know I can't for a couple of weeks because it's dark. You get to walk up and, you know, I use the cane 70-30. Like, I don't use the cane a lot. Oh, no. I didn't know they gave you one. Yeah, they gave me two of them. Then my friend sent me one with a knife in it.

It broke last night. So, Terry, crazy. glued. Now I'm back, Jack. But it's a fucking knife, man. Like, this will stab two people. Is that how it broke? How did it break? No, I broke because I was playing with Joey. I was pushing it. And he was pulling it the other way.

And the fucking stem fell off the fucking thing. Oh, my God. But then we got home last night. We were crazy glued. Now we're back tip-top. McGoole. How's the, uh, the handicap placard working out for you? Oh, like a doctor. Today I had to go to that place to get chocolate bread. The guys from, uh, You know, Rand Royal, whatever.

They have family, Royal Crown, and I think it's called a Licatina or something like that. So I heard it opened up last week, and there were lines out there. And I'm like, I'm not going to be like one of those idiots. You go there during a week between 10 and 12 or 1 and 3, and you're good.

Right. That's the least busy it's going to be. If I go in on a Friday and Saturday, Sunday, and try to be Johnny Old School, you're going to be out there for a fucking hour. I went out there today, and as I was pulling in, I looked for parking. I'm like, fuck, I forgot. And also I'm like, oh, right there.

It was right there. The clock pulled right in there, walked 80 feet across the street, got myself some chocolate bread. I got a turkey sandwich with American today and some avocado. Nice. With lettuce and tomato heavy on the salt and pepper. Nice, really nice. I'm not a sandwich guy anymore, but it was good. From the same place you got the turkey sandwich?

Yeah, they have everything there. They have a full fucking bakery there. Oh. Yeah, they're not playing around in there. The chocolate bread, you've talked to, we were talking about it today. This chocolate bread is really good, though. It's chunks of chocolate in that motherfucker. We have to do some, we have to put some sort of breakfast sandwich on it, like an egg bag.

I was thinking about the bacon and Marie and C, like a nice thick, crunchy bacon on it, like a bacon egg and cheese on that. Oh. On the chocolate bread? Yeah. There's got to be something. I go more. with like,

uh, maybe like a pancake on that. Like a fucking pancake sandwich. Oh, Jesus Christ. Chocolate with some whipped cream in that bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's the way to go.

Some Nutella. Oh. In the middle to really fucking fuck you up for breakfast. Eat that up for breakfast. I don't see a ham and cheese and chocolate. I don't really see. Salty and sweet. You got a.

Nah. Okay. I don't see ham and egg. I don't know if egg breaks on chocolate. If I break into a, yolk. I don't know what that yolk is going to taste like on my chocolate. I think it would be good, but I, see, I

forgot, you know, you're not like a scrambled egg person. Listen, I'll eat them if I have to. When you go to prison, that's all they got. When you fly on a plane, that's all they got. So, I like them better when somebody makes them in a home. It's like the ones we got on the flight, the construction eggs. We got on the plane. Oh, yeah. Yeah, listen, man. I'll eat scrambled eggs. they're not my favorite. Right.

And when you go out, if you keep going, when they look at it and they go scrambled, that's what I'm like, not because they already got, they got the thing I'm made back there. Oh, yeah. They just, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

Have you ever had those eggs? Poached. Not poached is great too, but we're like, the yolk is orange. Like, not like the yellow, like. I don't know. I know what they called or whatever. I even like the other shit.

What's the shit with the bernet sauce on it? Oh, Hollandeys. I'll eat that once in a while, but I don't like the sauce dipped on that. Okay. I don't mind getting the egg and dipping in the Holland days, but I don't want the Harlem days. What is that called?

Benedict, eggs, Bennett. Eggs better. Yeah, that's not bad. But we had, like,

eggs in Japan, and it was like, the chickens are, like, I guess, healthier. I don't know. It's like,

when people say they have, like, chickens at their house and, like, the yolks are, like, orange, it was,

it was, it tastes very, you've had it. I haven't, I had never had, like, fresh eggs, I guess. fucking crazy.

Have you ever thought about getting chickens in the back here? Yeah, but the raccoon, not the raccoons, the wolves and shit, the foxes, they rip into those cages. I'm not in the mood to go out there and see feathers everywhere. My chickens all chopped up. I'm not even, you know. That would just ruin your day? Yeah, I'm not. I can't.

I can't. I would love to get a chicken or a couple. You hear them in the morning over here. Somebody's got a chicken around. Really? Yeah, early in the morning. but I don't even know where to start with a fucking chicken. I'm not, guys, it's over.

I'm not going to raising chickens and shit. I don't know. I can see you doing a little bit. But when's the dog coming? Are you waiting for it to be a no animal asshole? The dog is far away because the cat's got a pass. Okay. I don't want that cat to pass.

That cat's my best buddy in the world. I just took an apple. Yeah? Just one upstairs. She's waiting for me on the bed. I scratched her. I hug her. I put the face mask on.

and we take a little nap for an hour. I don't want to go nowhere. No, but you don't think she would do all with a dog? No, I don't want the dog in the house when she's alive because she's on her last leg. So I want her to go out on the last leg without getting chased by a fucking dog. Do you follow me? That's the point of this. Right.

It's not for her. Okay. So she, because she was in the house with nine cats. Yeah. They hate her. So now it's flipped. So now give her the fucking respect. that she deserves.

I ain't looking to get no fucking dog guys. You know, no, it's not like I look at dog pictures every day. Whatever happens, happens. It's so funny. Whatever happens happens. Even just you getting turkey, I was surprised about. Remember you were in that you got really mad one day. You went to that place in Encino with Steve.

Forget it was like that Italian place. And this guy ordered a turkey sandwich and you went off on white. And it was a half hour to order. A turkey sandwich on White. Come on, guy. You go to fucking start subway. You get all the fucking turkey sandwiches in there. And the guy was picky about it.

Like, no one dark meat. What the fuck are you talking about? You dumb motherfucker. Oh. No. I didn't go. To be honestly, I went in there not to get that sandwich. Okay.

I went in there to see what their soup was like and to get some chocolate bread for you guys. But when I went in there, it was on the menu. But my second choice, what they have over there, that's what I'm getting next time I go because I fucked up today with the turkey. Yeah. Because they called that turkey in American something. It was great on whatever.

The bread with the seeds, it was delicious, but they got a fucking Italian tuna sandwich over there. And they sell it by the container if you want it fresh. So I'll buy some of that shit. I like Italian tuna. What's that? With olive oil or something? Yeah.

Oil, oil. nice very nice with some bread and shit a couple tomatoes something nice and easy high quality tuna could really go for a tune i haven't had it with some onions in that bitch and some mayonnaise and salt and pepper knock it off it does fuck up your house your house will stink after that sandwich so what a tuna sandwich doesn't stink at all the onions when you rub them on your hands what do you the onion the tuna cans no you flip it over you chop it up you put salt and pepper you pepper on it, a little olive oil. What's the stink?

Okay. Stink is that shit you were eating that curry and all that. All that stinks like that. The Katsu curry is fucking so there's, that was good. You would like it. It's not Indian curry. I don't like none of that shit. If I would have liked it.

So what would you eat there? I would add chicken, tariaki and sushi. Dude, and I, this is not going to be the most popular. I like American sushi better. It was the fish was great. I'm not complaining about it.

But I don't, I don't like fish like that. I like, you refute, you banned me from sushi because all I'd get was tuna and shrimp. Oh, no, you went to the wrong place. You should have gone through where they invented cheeseburgers. You would have been happy. Here. That's the only thing.

Walk to a castle or the king ate 18 cheeseburgers one day. You don't give a fuck about no fresh fish or sushi or nothing. But, yeah. You don't, you don't think so? Think so about what? Like, you, like, you wouldn't, you would just get sushi? That's all you'd eat that? the whole time?

The whole time. They have a lot of conveyor belt. What? They have a lot of conveyor belt. That's okay. I go for the Jap that makes it by hand. There's got to be one left. Oh,

there's a bunch of them. Yeah. Yeah. I went to one place where all they just went. Have you ever had like the, they give you like the Japanese skewers? Like they just grill meats. And he did every piece of the chicken.

It was great. It was just chicken. It was fucking. And he was grilled. He had a little Japanese fan that he was flaning the flames with. That was really cool. Um, true. A little fan.

Oh, yeah. You said I've lived with. Oh. You went all the way to Japan 15 hours. Yeah. There was a guy with a little fan. You go to Asbury Park. I'll find you a little fag.

It's got a little fan that does that shit all day long for a small five bucks. You went all the way to Gookville to watch that shit. Listen, it has a different aura about it in Japan. Oh my God. You know, it's how you look at things. Listen, man, when I was 50 and how I look at things at 63, it's two different worlds. When you're 35 and you're 45, you look at things completely different.

Yeah. You know, look at a girl. When she's 25, she wants to marry Johnny Boombats. When she's 35, she's fucking a guy. It looks like me. You know what I'm saying? That's it. Yeah.

You know, it's like, it's so weird where you get excited at 435. Now you wake up in there, 45, you know, I'm not interested. It's so weird, and that's going to happen, and that's okay for it to happen. I've said it on stage. There's a reason why the whole world don't like vanilla ice cream. Right, yeah. Because the world would be too fucking easier. I'm happy that there's chocolate, strawberry.

Some people hate vanilla. Some people can't stand chocolate. That's what makes us interesting. So everybody has to have different tastes Whether I want my taste I don't want to eat shit because it's cool Or you tell me oh my God Let's go that new restaurant

The 800 for a margarine This is great No, it's not fucking great You just pay 800 for a fucking margarine You can't make it home for $15. Where's the food? The food gets there and tastes like ass It's any other food

But you're drinking and you're with your friends It raises the ether Then you go one day when you're sober You eat that shit and you're like, that shit tastes like ass. Because you were in a celebration mode. You were, you know, it's like when you're a civilian and you go see a comic. And you go one night with just a friend of yours. And you smoke some pot.

And the movie you want to see is not there. So now you go, fuck it. Let me go to a comedy show. Oh, my God, I fell in love with this guy named George the Hook. Okay. And once a sudden you see George's The Hook is playing. You tell all your friends. you go down there and George's the hook

isn't even fucking the range anymore. No. Like he's not even talking about that. That's the worst. When you bring somebody, go, do you love this movie? And they sit there watching your reaction. I told you so.

And you're like, dog, the movie sucks. Okay? Leave me to fuck alone. I'm gonna sit here out of respect because I'm high and the fucking heroin just hit me. But besides that, I need to go nowhere. You know what I'm saying?

Like what? And that's what people have to understand. I was just telling you guys before the podcast started I felt when I left Los Angeles and I always saw I didn't like California I was completely wrong I love California

I love the weather I love fucking going and getting Mexican food what I didn't like was the world I was in so now people get me wrong or you hate California I don't hate California I just hated the world I lived in that that style of person that you know everything's

marvelous and we got to go there and hugging the tree. That's not, that's never been me. That's never been me. I'm not going to drive a BMW because it's cool or niche or that's never been me. And that's what you have to be to live in that world. Somebody who accepts all that shit and loves to do what people does. You know, they have kids just to tell people they got kids.

They suck his parents. I don't want to do that. That was never, it was never my life out there. You knew that. No. You knew that. Now when I get reminders of it, I'm like, what am I doing?

I did everything. I ran like a fucking, like a well was a mile on, a mile away and my asshole was on fire. I want to watch this shit with roast. No, I don't want to see none of that anymore. No. That's just, right now, today, I'm just a stand-up comic. I don't care how you rate me.

I don't care how you look at me. It don't matter. I'm a stand-up comic. I just want to do stand-up. I'm not interested in, well, when we throw. the joke this is the style we used I don't want to hear it just write the joke and shut your fucking mouth is it do you do you get any pleasure from like just knocking like just killing and like the the guy who does all that stuff with like the hat or whatever can't follow you

what stuff like like an LA guy like because I had that happen to me in a recent show this guy had two million followers and was talking about his Lamborghini on stage I went up and did 12 minutes of just honestly, I didn't even do material. They loved me. This other guy who was passing out flyers with his name on it has two million, this and that couldn't get a giggle. And I'm not even that kind of person where I get up where I like that. But yeah, when some guy's talking about like, oh, normally I sell out the laugh factory and he comes in and he does this show that has 20 people and he can't get a giggle. I'm like, okay.

I'm not, I'm at least on the right path. Listen, Lee, you have to accept one thing. When you're a comic somewhere along the line, the wiring didn't fucking factor out. All right. As long as you know that, it makes your life a lot easier. In a real world,

we couldn't make it. Something, the wiring wasn't cut, something. You know, we have to cut a step out of life. So when you commit yourself to being a comedian, there's a problem. there's a problem okay there's a problem yeah then the more you get into it it molds your mind so you see these fighters if i become a fighter in the first 10 years i get blasted in the head every

fucking fight what's left what's left when i go pro you know what's saying what's left right it's the same thing with standup standup has pressures that you don't see you feel and then they pop up later you know like being funny being relevant that that that There's just so many fucking things. It's just like going to Vietnam. You're going to come back with a little bit of that. PTSD. PTSD.

Right. And I'm sure when I left New Jersey, when I left L.A., I had a little PTSD. I'd seen it all. I've been there for 23 years. It was living against migraine. I enjoy living in Boulder. The hippies.

They smoke pot and they like the ski or whatever, walk around. And L.A. was people... trying to be something. Constantly. They just weren't happy with being themselves. So every day is a new adventure. They do things to go outside the ordinary. They love the Palestine situation, you know.

They everything is fucking different than the whole world. They don't lift weights. They do informative lifting. You know, everything is completely. Oh, my God. It's completely different. Have you met Sergio? No, I have not.

Oh, my God. Talk about Sergio. Sergio is great. He's life sick. And two years from now, you figure out he's a rapist. And they raped his own fucking kids. You know what I'm saying?

Like, they don't do the background check. They just fall for the hat and the goatee. Yeah. I see a hat and a goatee. There's a problem there. This isn't normal. So it's just not my world anymore. Right.

You know, when I left there, and it took me two or three years to realize, what was bothering me? And then I saw that movie with, Eddie Murphy and the chick from Seinfeld. I remember a couple of years ago, Eddie Murphy did a movie with a chick from Seinfeld. Not a bad movie. It was on Netflix. Not on an Academy Award winner. Right. But I still remember doing something and listening to them

talk. And I had to stop. Like, that's what I fucking hated. All that. Oh, my God, I love your shirt and all that. There's no time for that in our world. I mean, that Timothy Shalame. Where's he going? Every time I see him in a nick game, I go, I'm ashamed to be a New Yorker. I really am ashamed to be in New Yorker.

What did he do that bothers you? That he, just that whole faggotry, that whole faggot world. He's the type of guy, you smack him, you sit him down, and you got a blow job from his wife right in front of him. And watch him like,

do you want to watch? I'll take you from the ATM machine. They have no heart. Look at him. He's like a fucking muck. Even as an act, The Marlon Brando and those tough guy actors are looking at that going, what the fuck happened to our profession?

Yeah. Look at these non-testosterone holding motherfuckers. Because that's what they are. They got zero testosterone. Zero. I don't know how. And that girl, she banged 10 black guys. Well, I don't see the correlation.

He don't even, he's got like a three-inch little dick. He's got one of those flat pigeon chests and shit, you know. What's you're going to do with him? She's banging these yams and a built. with fucking dreadlocks and the one guy, what's his name? We are the same. We are, yeah, Dennis Scott, whatever, Travis Scott. And then she shows up with Timothy Shalameh with a little pencil dick, you know,

his little granola fucking sandals. She was just fucking that gigantic black dude with a big dick and fucking 18 babies' mom is. And also, like, I've had enough. I'm going to date Timothy Chalameh. What the fuck? My daughter shows up with a dude like Timothy Shalamee. We have a long talk. We have a long talk.

First of all, Mercia, you can beat him up two times over. There's not a relationship. That's a bully act. Oh, my God. That's a bully. And what does he do with Nick games? You just don't like his entire... He just sits down a faggot with a bunch of those other assholes and Star Row.

Like, make him believe they're bigger Nick fans than three fuckers. black dudes from the Bronx that have been that's been their whole life they're sitting the front three roll the rest of them all of them sitting the front row they never played a game of basketball and they're fucking like ben stiller give me a break he's like timothy shallame's uncle he's a faggot in the making you know come on man give me a fucking break but you can't say these things because people go what the fuck joey i'm telling you the truth what i see i see a bunch of people paying, would I, if I had the money, would I pay it to sit there? No. No. I wouldn't even fade. I don't want to be on the spotlight. I'm there to watch the Knicks. Why are you showing

fat Joe? People want to watch the Knicks. But I guess that comes with it now. All those celebrities, high-five, that fucking, I love that dude. Yeah, I love him. What does he become? What is that? What the fuck is that? It's not. that funny. And now I've got to see Michael Irvin at all the events. All of a sudden, now he's a cheerleader. Go, go, Michael, stay home.

Stay home. That's like me showing up to all those events and making a ruckus and people like, look at Joey, he's cool. No. Joey's trying to get relevant again. Joey's trying to get relevant again. That's why he shows up and yells outside of Miami Dolphin game.

You ever see when he talks to the hurricanes? You got, it was 30 years ago, Mike. And you took your college years a snorticoke. Give me a breathing. These kids are all eating apples and fucking granola. I can't no more. Guys, I just can't. I can't. I can't. You got to sit there and watch this and accept this. You're like, why am I watching this shit? Why am I letting this shit go into my fucking head? Enough. I watch old movies now. I watch old stand. I don't want to watch this shit no more. What year are you living in now?

85. 85, yeah. You know, that's when everything was good? Yeah, because this is bullshit. Oh, my God. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. This episode of the church is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every customer will be age verified. This product contains nicotine, and nicotine is an addictive chemicals. This is bullshit here. That's great. Is it? And what? Like, do you just can, do you just? with it more? Like, is there anyone who's new who you connect with or not really?

I connect with a lot of people, man. I just, listen, I love music. I love movies. I love it. Let me get a war to Georgie. Before I have fucking cotton mouth to Malukia mouth. Listen, man, I read something a couple months ago about turning 60. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you read my book. I don't know if you just know me. at 60, I got my money's worth out of life. I've really had my money's worth, you know? And I'm very proud of that.

There's people that stay in that basement their whole life. We all did. George got his money's worth. You know, you get your money's worth. What does that mean you get the good with the bad and you fucking get your money's worth? And the more you get your monies worth over the years, you stop.

You see the mat, like you saw behind the curtain. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. It's like the biggest thing I hate. I can't be to support Lee. No, you didn't. He's shooting a Netflix special. You came here to see what you could get.

Whose handshake, what agent you could talk. Don't have us do that. Don't do that in my world. We don't support nobody. We don't support nobody. They support us. We don't show up. Hi, how, because that's what you're doing.

You're being a jerk on. Hi, oh, my God. Yeah, I mean to support Lee. I'm so excited from him. or not. Let's go do a set. Go take that support and shout up your mother's ass and go do two sets instead of sitting here for two hours. What do you get more resultantly? Yeah. So after a while, you just get sick of it. You've already heard this story.

It's like when I worked in the sports betting service. I love Kurt, but I love how you can come up to you and go, look at me, repeat what I'm telling you. And I would go, Kurt, how did you know? And he goes, I've been doing this for 30 years. I know exactly what he's saying. I've had that guy 80 times before. Not that particular guy, but he's had that guy with the same story. Tell him this. Hold on to the phone. Tell him that you're going to put a bet in his wife's mother's pussy hairs are going to curl up. He would make me say things to people that I would say. I don't want to say that. Say it verbatim because it's going to make you money. Because it was against my grain to do it. Right. But he had balls in his grain. Then it showed me those balls.

Oh, you can say that to people. You weren't saying stuff like that to people always. I just imagine that you've always talked to a lot of shit. That's so funny. So what we were talking about is how you just, you've already heard this shit. You've already heard this shit. How much longer can you hear it? At one point you go, I don't want to hear this shit no more. I don't This is a way. I don't have that much time left in the world. Right? At 63.

I've done, come on, that's 70% of your time. The rest of the time on this world, I want to choose what goes into my ears. Not what I have to listen to because of you or your stupid television show. I have that decision to turn this show.

I don't want to hear this. That's all I ask at this age. That's all any American should ask at this age. You earn that right to go, Hey, man, I've heard this story before. I got a call from AT&T telling me the same shit last week. You know what I'm saying? But do you feel like you just do that in everyday life now?

Yeah, you're boring me. Be more creative. You ever hear that Bill Hicks joke? He's walking down the Bowery and all these homeless people and asking him for a quarter. He goes, I don't mind giving him a quarter, but I want the most out of my quarter. Who can make this creative? Right. Can you sing and dance?

Can you, you know what I'm saying? Right. After a while, you just put some more effort into it. You've talked to somebody who's told every fucking bullshit story. Right. So I see it coming. I've told every story in the world, right? Well, we've got to cancel comedy shows out great in my making excuses.

I've done it for years. Yeah, yeah. So after a while, at one point, you go, this is a new dog with old tricks. They're just doing, you know, they're just putting a smile on and telling me how this is going to be a lot better and then you sit there and go, what is it all about?

What the fuck? I got to go to a basketball game and sit courtside so I can wave at people with my watch to be cool. No. I thought being cool, it's just being cool.

You smoke dope, you don't talk to cops. You know what I'm saying? That's being cool. Now I got to have a tattoo. There's so much work into being cool and at the end of it, you have to ask yourself,

What is all this work for? Do I even want to hang out with these fucking maggots? No. And being what's cool changes. So, like, people will change up what they like every couple of years. That's great about being a human being. That you could change. I thought, you know what?

I love eggs. I've been eating eggs. How long have I been preaching egg yolks? Decades. I haven't had an egg yolk in a month now. Can't even look at it. What happened? I've been eating granola with fucking yogurt or fruit.

just one day. I couldn't look at an egg number. Yeah, if you've had it every day for... Every damn, 60 fucking years old. So after a while, you get sick of fucking eggs. That's what I'm saying. It's the same shit. Eggs, stupid movies, you know, it's the same shit.

It's just, you can't do enough for an egg for me to want one now. Wow. Scramble, Benedict, the Mexican ones with salsa. That's a nice to molly's upset. Oh, yeah? Some green porkings. Early in the year, too. I got them more every Saturday from the Mexicans in Freehold.

Do you really? Bring them home. I got some upstairs, bro. You put some lettuce and tomato on that motherfucker. A little fucking sauce. With a little cheese on that. They call tamale. You got a tamale like a poor fucking savvy.

You got a croquetta, right? I was going to say, what is the word pepperado mean? It just means amazing. That's my favorite. Your favorite. It's with the Swiss cheese and ham On the croquetta with the two crackers Yes

Or you can have the croquetta solo like Michael Jackson You follow me? Yeah But you can do that with What were you just saying? With a tamale With a tamale Okay, you can eat a cheeseburger

Or you get a cheeseburger with avocado A little tamala A little spicy You know What I'm trying to say is you get a variety for a cheeseburger, you know? Okay. I just got sick eggs.

About two months ago, I don't know if they were my wife's eggs. I don't know what it was. I just got sick of them. Then I went over to the diner when they go, let me try them from the diner. And they were a little better, but nah. No.

Nah. That's what, talk, that's what happens. You just get bored one day. That's why I don't like them. My wife buys something that I've been eating because she buys a day too short. I told my wife, hey, I like those crackers with the peanut butter in them. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There's eight cases of them up there. I haven't touched them because she went shopping three times and kept buying them, not looking to see if I was eating those motherfuckers. Even with all, because it doesn't look like you've gained weight. With all the, like, being in the house, you haven't gone crazy on snacks, nothing? I have fucking not eating dick. If I don't eat edibles and smoke dope, my appetites and the fucking shitter. And you're not doing edibles every day?

Well, I ate all my heavy-duty fucking whatever ones, the Okada ones. and the fucking maple syrup ones. Oh, yeah. The ones with the pieces in them. Mm-hmm. So I've been eating a couple of, like, the vampires at night just to get the party started. But I need two of those. I'm not to a thousand milligrams.

Do you think one day you'll just get bored of weed? I'm already getting bored of weed. I just need it in the morning. Okay. My weed in the morning opens up the whole fucking world to me. What do you think you'll switch to? After. Heroin.

Heroin, some. Boogaloo pills. I don't fucking know Lee. Oh my God. Fucking dabs is the next solution. Yeah. I don't know. That's it.

Get a dabber and start dabbing up a fucking storm. They do make them that you don't have to light it on fire anymore. You can just press button. I got one. I got one. Yeah. Listen. They also have BP 57.

You can take a pill for him. It ain't going to work. You got to shoot it. You can also snore a line of heroin, but you can shoot it. It's way better. Is it really? Yeah. You've never, have you shot anything?

Have you ever done it? You can't do needles. No. I would have an art attack if I shot myself. That'd be the final fuck fuck. Listen, if I talk something to shoot me with heroin, right. That's it.

I would go off because I'd eventually figure out how to shoot it in my toes. You don't think your wife would do it for you? Yeah, I'm going to have my poor Christian wife to shoot me with fucking heroin juice. Just don't tell her it's heroin. What about when I'm nodding and drooling and burning a cigarette home? I'm all by shorts and shit. What am I going to fucking tell of that? You know what I'm saying?

Oh. No, I can't do it. No, I'm just teasing you guys. Right, of course. Like, I only use weed in the morning now. That's crazy. The tail end of the day has to be heavy duty at them. The weed just don't cut it.

I'll get high, like, now or something, but. So what have you been on, you've been doing Twitch, too, during the day a little bit? A little Twitch, a little kick. Oh, you did it on kick, too? They're both on that. Okay. They did it for a little while. I have problems.

I have problems with the Twitch. I don't know how to turn it on. That's why you turn it on tonight before you need. Yeah, I'll try it. Yeah, because they always ask me, where's Lee? Where's Lee? Okay. He's a fucking Japan, cucks, I was falling asleep on Twitch years ago.

Oh, no. Jesus Christ. They can't. They got you a fucking pillow. They got your. Oh, they do have a pillow with my face on it. A box of pillows. Yeah.

A box of pillows. Oh, my God. And then, oh, Sarah Tiana. They had a clip about that time on the. podcast. How funny was that? I saw that. Holy shit. He's a good egg, Sarah Tiana. Oh, my God. That was a nice dosing that night. She didn't say much. She's not feeling Uncle Joey. Me neither. Take a breather. She slept. We did the podcast. Right? We did a whole hour and a half. She slept on the couch. He finished it. We woke her up a little bit. She's like, I feel better now. I think it was like

the one time someone actually slept on that couch. Yeah. Very, oh, that was so funny. Somebody was Goughlin and home Benjamin last week, too. Oh, my God. It was after Joey gave him that fucking thing that turned them around. And he didn't give him that much. One, 125 milligram. But he wanted more. Yeah, I know.

He did want more. He wanted more. He would have been, where is he now? Idaho or something. Somewhere in the deep, deep. Yeah, he would have been. He's on like a commune. It's crazy that you went to Japan.

I'm happy that you, and it's pretty funny the conclusion you came with. Like, how does it feel of not speaking English. I mean, I goof on them. I goof on everybody. And this is a joke here. When we talk about the fucking migrants with the backpacks. Yeah. You ever see them, they look kind of retarded. And they're not retarded. They're scared. Not knowing a language. Even though I goof on them, we have a good time here on the podcast. They're scared. I remember being scared. Yeah. You know, and they're just, they don't even look up. You ever see them make eye contact those little

apocalypticos? Not even close. There's no confidence. They don't have confidence. They don't have confidence. I go to an Italian joint, and there's a girl that brings you out bread, and I can see the first two times she brought the bread out. They must have smacked her on the trip, you know, beat her up, all that.

You know, she was all quiet and like half-retarded. I started talking to her in Spanish. And it made her day? Her day is completely different now when I talk to. At least we talked for a little more in Spanish. Yeah. Everybody else. Like, listen, think about being an immigrant.

Because this is what the people don't ever fucking think about. It's the other side of that, okay? You know, with all this shit that was going on in this country a few months ago with the ice and this, that shit travels downhill. Okay? Shit goes downhill. Does it not? Am I lying there, guys?

No. Shit goes downhill. So when you take a thought like that, that makes people go into diners or restaurants. And when these poor fucking people that don't know the language come up to you and give you your bread or your butter, you don't even have the time to look at them. Sometimes I go to restaurants and just look at the people who the bus boys and bus girls drop bread on and water. White people don't even say thank you. Don't even make eye contact because in your mind you're a little fucking better than them. But you're not because you're not talking to them.

You look down on them because, oh, they cut my lawn. They do that. Whatever. But I want you to think of all those fucking things. Before you open up your mouth, if you just acknowledge that person or restaurant, you guys have all been out to dinner with me, do I not acknowledge those people when I see them?

It's very important to me that acknowledge those, not just the bartender when they bring you bread to look up and goof on them. Even if you goof on them. They always call them Primo. Primo. And they giggle, how are you doing? That's it. That's it.

Acknowledge them. But think of doing this shit eight hours a day. Nobody acknowledges you. That goes on your psyche, guys. Yeah. And even just being away from your family, like, imagine if, like, you know, they're coming from wherever, Mexico, wherever. They don't speak the language. They don't know anybody.

No one they know is near them. And you can't ask anybody. Because, like, even here, like, if someone knows a little bit of English, you can, I don't know. I know two words in Japanese. I know hello and goodbye. And they tell you how to say, thank you very much. And even then,

I honestly was responding to people in Spanish. Because they just say it so quickly, there's nothing I can do. So I just started saying grassy as to people. Because like it's, and even knowing English is a little bit of help. Like imagine like if you were going to Japan, but you only spoke Spanish,

I don't know what the fuck you would do at all. Here's the problem that I believe in. But there's times I'll talk to the white people in Spanish and my wife would go, I don't know if you did that. That person will understand what you're saying. I'll go, they understand what I'm saying. There's a universal language, man.

And I believe in it more than a lot of other people believe in it. But I think, listen, if I'm stuck in Japan, and I'm walking down the street of Japan, right? I'm going to bump into some guy if he's my age. I'm going to look at him and go, cheap trick, live on Buda Khan, right? Yeah. Because that's what brings us together. Mm-hmm.

They love American music. Oh, yeah. He loves American music. So if you get into a bump with somebody, you're like, hey, just any song, you know, anything that's popular in the States. Yeah. You just, and they go, hey, yeah, yeah, and you go, oh, yeah, beer. And now you got something. You got something.

You open them up. You got something out of them. Yeah. Dude, we were talking with, we had a tour guide for one day to do a little bit. He was talking about Shohei Otani and his, like, his eyes lit up. So, like, that guy you thought was Shohei at Rudy's, you would have, you would have been a huge fan over there. And but the one thing, because it was the other thing that blew me away. We went to the sumo tournament, which was amazing.

But that was, like, the only fat people. You didn't see any fat people. And my tour guide told me I had a happy belly. And, like, every time I ate, but you like, you like, you like that. And he would let him and he would point out other chubby. He's like, they have a very happy bet. He wasn't, in his mind, he wasn't being mean. But he just kept calling it.

It was either happy belly or happy tummy. I can't remember. But it was, like, there were no fat people. Very strange. Not accepted. No. Not accepted. People say they go over to Europe and you start pointing out the Americans.

Yeah. They look sloppy. They're fucking, you know, they're just sloppy with fucking. fucking sandals on with their feet hanging out. Like anybody wants to see that junk. No? You know, no. No.

The Japs keep that shit tight, Jack. They really do. And they fucking, dude, they don't stop partying. Like, you could go out at any time and anywhere and get, like, really good food at, like, four and two in the morning. Like, people were getting hammered on, like, on Tuesday night. It was. A lot of Americans on the streets. Yeah.

but like a lot of everything a lot of a lot of a lot of there was a lot of people from everywhere but yeah there were definitely Americans but not you see prostitutes on the street no well I saw like by like in shunjuku which is where like the the red light district was there were like women outside it wasn't like I've never been in Thailand but like you see videos of Thailand and like they're bringing you in right this was just like women who like were dressed kind of like sexy and like they were outside of the places, but I don't think they were the ones doing it. But it was, and people there dress like,

it's like 2,000 years ahead. Like they dress very creepy a little bit. Not creepy, but just it's very different than here. Do you ever see Kill Bill? Yeah, yeah, we just watched a few weeks ago. And you know that Lucy Loo's like assistant? Yeah. Like who were the like the school girl outfit?

Like there's a lot of like that out there. That was pretty cool. And dude, there's just so many floors. Like they don't build up, but like you'll just get to a place and you're like, oh, this is on the fifth floor. Like each floor is a different thing. They had so many. They had, they, and George was asking me about the seven. Everyone asked about the seven 11s.

Dude, they, like the food is good, but the sweets, they have these fucking mini pancakes with butter and syrup on it. They were just in 711 in a little packet. That was really, that was fantastic. Oh, every, it was, it was so, but yeah, the waggoo was really good. We got that a bunch. But it was, it was a lot of fun. It was, but I can't, I'm excited. Doing stand-up internationally is like something that I really want to do now.

Australia, I think I could have a lot of fun. Canada, which I know is not even super far, but Canada, England, Ireland, I want to do all of it now. That's great. But establishes itself the United States first. Well, actually, what do you think? Because I was actually, not that I'm moving or doing anything, but if you could go somewhere, like, let's say you could go to Australia for a year and get a ton of stage time and, like, blow up in Australia and then, like, do you think

that's worth it or do you think just be in America? I don't know what's worth or what's not. When I got into comedy, I had decisions I had to make early on. hey, am I going to go dirty or clean? You're not going to be able to be on Letterman, you're not fine. Fine. Then the second part is the question you asked. This is how I always looked at it.

Everything is made out of here. Yeah. When it comes to talent, if as a pleasure, I always dreamt to maybe becoming, having a base in England and flying back and forth, but that didn't work out for me, Joey. So, I always thought it was everything. Everything was here. Yeah.

That's the way I looked at it. I have a friend who I just, he was at the Netflix festival. He blew up in Australia. Okay. I haven't seen him in 25 years. He blew up in Australia. He's huge in Australia.

Harsh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard about him. What's he going to do here? I have no idea. So he had like a comedy central thing back in the day. Yeah. And then I knew I knew he blew up in Australia,

but you think it's, it's hard to like. I'm not here to put him down. No. Put an edge down. I just, if I could make it there, I'll make it anywhere. You know,

that's how I always looked at. Okay. You're in fucking the United States. This is as good as it gets. Yeah. Before I go parading and, you know, I want to make it here first. I'm going to kick ass here.

Then we'll worry about everything else. You know, that was, hey, listen, that's me. That's not how other people think. That, you know, that's me. You want to stay. establish yourself, this is the home run spot.

After this, everything else is like background music. Okay. But, you know, I don't think that... What's the idiot's girlfriend from the Chiefs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, even her, she's Canadian, but she comes here to get the paper first. Then they go around the world or tour. Right, okay.

And everything starts here. Okay. Again, some people like to travel, and they go, Joe, I got to comedy and have to be a successful. I got into it for travel. Okay. Then go ahead with it. No, I definitely want to be successful.

And that's, but just the idea that eventually I could, you know, you could go and do an Australian tour. You can go and, like, just thinking about Tom Roe, he had like 20 years and had no. Natalie Quillam.

Yeah, she just did Europe. She goes over there. She loves going over to that. Like I said, I got nothing against anybody and everybody has their own path. I just want to fucking be king here, and I'll make me king somewhere a lot easier than me trying to be a colonel in six different places. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's how I look at it.

And that's old school. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's just so hard to find, like, your audience and find people who want to come see you. So I was... So before you confuse people, one, they already are. Right, yeah. one there already are. I don't like confusing these people at all, because I can't.

They get easily confused, you know. So, you know, last thing I need is to look up Lisa at and buy tickets online for Manchester. And it's Manchester, England. I think it's Manchester, New Hampshire, yeah. So, you know, that's just me. And I'm an old dude. I don't know what I'm talking about, but that's...

No, you definitely know what you're talking about. It's, uh, are you I know you said that you're excited about doing some stand-up uh like do you have you thought at all about like because then we have bigger shows coming up later on the summer you have Atlantic City like are you are you thinking at is it is are you like all are you more refreshed after some time off or you're not even there yet you're still recovering you know how the pandemic when the pandemic hit it made you change a little bit as soon as I got this surgery like 10 days

I just went into a fucking, you know, I'm writing a lot in the mornings and the night. And it's just weird how I started looking at it. Like, I don't know what I want to do. But I really, I liked what I was doing before. I really liked the one big show and then find little shows, Brooklyn, whatever, go to Austin. I kind of like that. I don't know what I'm going to do yet next year. I don't know.

I got a nice schedule that they shot at me. me with different places to start picking, you know. But I think I'm going to keep it the same. About the same. Yeah. No, there's no reason to add. I want to do a few different things this year. Okay.

That's why I wanted to add the Twitch and the, just something different. Right. Just something different. I don't care what happens. It's just me getting high and fucking around and, you know, I love that shit. So I'm completely different because this is winding down for me. You know, it's winding down. what I could do and what I want to do.

So I got to find different avenues before I get bored. So I know the last, I mean, from maybe December, I'll keep the schedule I had until December, and then next year I'll figure something else out and we'll work with it. That's it. You think it's winding down? It is for me. That's it.

It's, you know, like I said, I felt like doing stand-up this week. I don't go out because it's dark. You've got to walk around and see where you're going and you might fall. And, you know, I'm just looking at different options. I'm getting older. I don't want to fucking fuck up out there or whatever. But I'm playing by year.

I'm having a great time. Yeah. Let's get something straight. This is exactly how I wanted my life. I could not live it when I was 25. But this is what I'm doing right now? I love what I'm doing right now. I love the one podcast a week.

I don't want to do any more. I haven't been a guest on a podcast. I don't know how long. Yeah. I was a companion and before that. So I like to go back on Foley's podcast. Oh, yeah. Are you garbage?

There's a guy down here that's got a podcast. The one that Theo, the Garbage Man, Theo put on. Oh, cool. Okay. There's a couple blocks from me. So I'm going to do his. And then I'll play it by here, man. That's cool.

You know, June and July, I have every weekend with my daughter. She plays every Saturday and Sunday. Wow. In June and July. Every Saturday and Sunday. With the final week being in Ocean City, Maryland. So that's my June and July right there. Okay.

I'm taking it easy now. Maybe I'll go to the dojo next week. Okay. I mean, it sucks at this Memorial Day weekend. Mm-hmm. And I like to maybe do Saturday early. I ain't got 45 minutes. You say that every time you do a show,

you have no idea what you're going to say. You could do 45 minutes. They could wake you up from a nap and you could do 40. I mean, I got 20 minutes of new ideas. Right. I don't know how they got to fucking burn over. So I got to burn them over eventually. Yeah.

You know, at Dojo or the stress factory or wherever. I might go to the RBR lounge tomorrow night at 930 in South Mboy. Oh, yeah. They have an open mic? They got an open mic tomorrow night. Nice. You know, I just want to, I'm in no rush. I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses.

My daughter's getting a little older. You know, and my wife's leaving. Where's she going? A week to Tennessee by herself. She's leaving me and mercy. I got mercy the rest of the week. Yeah. Friday, she's got a party I got to take into it.

Oh, wow. Saturday, picking up a ticket to the Renaissance Festival, and then my wife comes back Sunday night. I'm done the rest of the week. I'll be here. You're going to the Renaissance fair? No. She's going with a bunch of girlfriends.

You're not going to go and dress up. No turkey leg. I don't want to know that shit. No, argery? No. No. Is this the first time you've been alone with Mercy for that long? Huh?

This will be the first time. That's crazy. I'm excited. I was going to say, are you excited? Fuck yeah. I don't have to do shit. Shit. No?

No. Mom makes the pancakes. We nuke them in the morning. He puts whatever. We'll make some bacon. Goes to school. Half the time after school. Mom's going to make chicken colors.

And a couple other days. I'll take her out the dinner, man. This will be easy for me. Nice. Is she looking forward to it? Just having you two at the house? Yeah. Yeah.

When the mother got a little upset because she asked her. She was going to try to see him. Mercy just said, who's going to cook? That's it. That's it. Oh. I'm not going to miss you. Nothing.

Just who's going to make dinner? Cooking. She's not going to have you try to cook. Nah, we'll make some milkshakes and shit. Me and I'll make good Carvel milkshakes at night and shit like that. Nice. But, you know, it's like, listen, man, I worked hard with you guys to earn this time off. This was earned.

How to break my balls, you know, and I didn't give a fuck. I have fun doing fandom. We will agree. If I got to go out to L.A. and talk to those people. Oh, my God. When I wrote this joke, oh, my, I don't want to hear that shit, no. I don't want to hear that shit at all anymore. I've had it.

I've had it with all that. You don't want to talk about your artistic vision. No. And I don't want to even, I got no audition. The other day I call the agent right away. They ain't got to go down. Why?

Because I don't want to book something and then quit on the job. Like that's the state of the story. And you could just tell from the script that you might quit on the job? It's not like somebody I want to work with. I show up and it's like a fucked up day. and like my shoes don't fit or something. It's going to be one of those days. Listen, I'll be right back and have to go to the car.

Damn. Joey, where are you? Oh, my God. That's amazing. I remember I told Lee about this. My wife don't know the whole story. There's a movie that I audition for in my coquious cokeouts. And I would audition for these movies to see what I can get out of.

them and if they didn't give me enough days, I tell them the fuck off. And then they call me back and go, come on, man, what happened? I don't have a problem. I got religious, whatever. So I audition for this movie years earlier. And I did good in the audition when I got home the agent called. And they go, listen, they're going to call you for a callback. But then they did one of those Michaga moves.

They called me and they go, you got a call back. But we're going to put the movie on ice. for a while because we don't have the financing. We're trying to get $80 million to finance this movie. We got such and such and such and such and such and such. And they did. They really had all these names. They couldn't afford them. So I got a call like a year

and a half later. Hey, Joey. How you doing? This is such and stuff. Do you remember me? Yeah. Nice guy. It was a combo casting director. And like that movie came back up. It's called Pizza and Bullets. Like, we want to do it? I go, yeah, yeah, I'm doing it. Oh, by the way, it's not scale no more.

It's like $100 a day. So right away, you got a strike again. Right away, I got an out. Because I could say, listen, I booked it. It was scale. Now you're trying to get me $500 cheap. I can't do that. It's like, all right, yeah, I don't know who was in the movie

and nothing like this. So I go, when does this start shooting? They go, You know, May 18 through May 29th. Okay. Well, these motherfuckers called me like on the 15th. And they're like, hey, man, we need for you for one shot. Wait a second.

You're not even shooting until the 18th. No, no, no. Those are your shoot days, but we need you for a shot. If you can make it over here, we'll pay you for the day. I'm like, you know what? I ain't doing nothing. I go, how long am I going to be there for? They go, maybe like an hour.

Like, all right. So I drive down there. I do the scene. It's horrible. It's hard. It's like, we're robbing a truck, but the truck was broken. I mean, it was just not good.

And as I'm leaving, the cast director pulls me aside. He goes, thank you for coming. You saved the day. By the way, he goes, we hired a couple of your friends for this movie. I'm like friends. I ain't got no friends.

I'm like, what friends? He told me the two dudes that you named for this movie, and I'm like, I'll never forget, getting in the car and going, I ain't doing that movie. just because those two idiots are in the movie.

There's no way am I doing this movie? This movie's always been on ice. And now with these two idiots, we're not going anywhere for sure. I doubt I'm going to do this movie. And the next day, it was, it had to be 20 years ago. And it was a part in L.A. where everybody was going to go computer.

Like digital? Mm-hmm. was going to go digital, I think that's the word. What that means was people were starting to make ads to the internet already. That was the very beginning for it. And I happened to book a whole series of Mountain Dew.

Oh shit. Mountain Dew, I went to read as like one of the bears. Like, all right, as a bear, and they're like, we want you back Joey. It's 14 days. It's 800 a day. Damn. Fuck, 800 and 100. That's a long way apart.

So they called me and they're like, you start the job. And I'm like, when? They go on the 18th. And I go, that's funny because I got another job with these Italians with pizza and bullets. They're done. And they go, all right, we'll sign you up for the more. We'll call your agent.

They call me back. They go, your role's not going to shoot to the 25th, 26, you know. It was like nine days. I go, no worries. And they go, you got the rest of the week off. You don't have to come on in 21st. Why go to sleep that night? I go out and get fucking coked up.

I go to sleep. And I'm hearing banging. on the walls, on the doors. And I wake up and I'm like, what the fuck? Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I answer the door. I'm like, who's this? I'm like, this is Bert and somebody else.

We're there producers from pizza and bullets. You were supposed to be on set three hours ago. Where are you? Get dressed. We need you. And I'm like, I ain't doing this today. Not today. I'm tired and all that. And they're banging on the door.

They have another producer calling me up. my agent's calling me on the fucking other line. And I'm not doing it. Tell them I'm tired. I'm not in the mood. I'm doing the thing for fucking Mountain Dew. I'm not doing this shit. And I go back to the bed and the guy keeps knocking on my door.

And I fucking run up, open the door. I just punch him in the neck, right? Oh, my God. Where is the end of my cocaine run? I just slammed him right in the neck. And I knew because it was not good. because he only had four feet to go back. And if he went that way, he was going to go down four flights.

Was it the North Hollywood apartment? This is the Hollywood apartment. Okay. She was at work. She never heard this shit. Oh, my God. So I punched the guy and he got up. And then the other producer jumped on me.

I punched him. And I kicked that guy. I kicked him. That was the classic. I even made like a Bruce Lee noise and I kicked them and shit. And I go, you guys get the fuck out of it. And I want to call the cops now. You assaulted us.

I go, you've been knocking on my fucking door for an hour. That's not assault-based. And they left. I never heard from them again. Then the cast director called me. You'll never ever work for me ever again. I'm like, dog, you haven't cast a movie in 20 years. Give me a kid.

I just hung up on him and shit. Can you imagine being that produced? Was it like their first job in Hollywood? It was 2007, six. Pizza and bullets. And I was. And you know who ended doing a movie? the chick from the Godfather.

They recast you with the woman? No, they recasted everything. Oh, okay. It wasn't just me who quit that movie. I was going to ask. He was like eight other people. Did they keep that one scene you shot in the movie? I'm not sure.

That'd be so funny. Somebody said they saw the movie and you were in the movie. I go, no, no, no. I just went over there one day and helped them out of that. Oh, my God. Remember the guy who played the heroin junkie with Chris Maltrow. The last season, Chris would get the heroin from him, and they shoot in a car, and he'd tell him, you're going to come to my house. The guy's a great actor.

I got a call to do one of his projects one day, and they shot right on that neighborhood where the pizza parlor was in Hollywood. There's a complete different name. Beaumont, whatever that is, that street, bowl, whatever. Okay. At the end of that, it used to be a nightclub. A lot of the shit used to go down that nightclub. I'll never forget one day I got to call him and they're like, that kid wants to hire you

because that kid's a really good-looking kid. He just downed it for the sopranos. He wore a hat. He hangs out like a jerk and turk joint where you pull your dick or whatever. Yeah. The fucking things I used to do, dog. $100 a day is pretty crazy.

It's crazy. And listen, I know it's sad, but I don't have to take it. And for a long time, they were pushing those. movies. I am part of the worst union of all time. The worst. It's really that,

Bam? The worst. They just don't, I got a letter to play from retirement. I don't even want, your checks are going to bounce. You know, I don't even trust those people anymore. That's the worst union I've ever been represented by my life, so eats a boy. And I never got a residual from them.

Last time I'm looking at the thing and what to put on, I actually told my wife, do me a favor. Write this movie down. She goes, why? I go, because they haven't paid me. It's on every other fucking night. I look at all those checks that are coming on residual. I look at them every Sunday night. They haven't been paid for

that movie in eight fucking years. What has my union done? Nothing. You have to call them and then they have to take them to court and that's eight years. Right. That's crazy. But what are you going to fucking do? We're here. We're

queer motherfucker. You're back from Japan. What type of work you got lined up? This weekend. And I'm in Charlotte with Josh Wolf at the Comedy Zone Friday and Saturday. Very, very happy. And next week you're at? Next week, I'm at Lovity Live in Nyack with Jessamy Poulouse.

Next Thursday, Friday, Saturday? Just Friday Saturday. Friday Saturday. That's a good little club up there. Yeah, I'm excited about that. And me, I'm still off. I got babysitting duty this week. So you'll not see me anywhere.

I'll be doing some GTAs all week. Finally, we got, I got my friend Carly hooking it up down in Austin. We got Fannie. We got Pedro up there. I don't know what to fuck pay. drove instantly. I didn't call him. I talked to them this morning. But that's all, that's all I got. I got no comedy work right now until August 7th and 8th. I'm sure I'll pop some shit between them, you know, but I'm just going to relax, get my knee as strong as I can. Look at this baby. It's

looking good. You can't see it. But it's looking like a fucking coconut. It got stitches. It looks like fucking, it looks like Nate Diaz's head with all the stitches and shit. Oh, that was a disaster, too. Yeah, you just showed it to me. That's, I hadn't, I hadn't seen any of that. That poor bastard. The Junior D'Santo's fight. Well, after I was 35, I knew I didn't want to get hit no more. They get hit when you're 40? Oh, that hurts. That's got to fucking hurt to get punched like that. Yeah, but for a million dollars or however much they made, I might.

I'll let you rate me from a million. You don't know, I'm saying it. I love you guys. Have a great week. stay black and we'll be right back next week from the studio. Hopefully by that time I'll take that fucking long step and won't break my neck. I love you guys. Have a great week.