Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz is a danger to society

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

This week on The Check In, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt question if Lee is ready to move to New York, why Joey loves when audience members get upset, and why pushing the envelope in comedy is so important. Plus much, much, more! Support the show and get 20% off your Manscaped order and free shipping. Press in code DIAZ at https://www.manscaped.com New DraftKings customers get $250 in bonus bets and 1 month of NFL+ Premium when you bet just $5. Download the DraftKings app and use code JOEY Support the show and get 10% off your Freeze Pipe order with code DIAZ at https://www.thefreezepipe.com The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Oh Shit Let me shut this phone off before these people start texting me With stupid fucking things, you know Do you think people mess with you and text you on purpose? No, they just you know Decide to get like my brother will call me in 15 minutes. They asked me if I bet the Mets tonight I don't know where you know I called them and asked them for a fucking fake

He does it every night at like 730 no, but he does it what I don't need him to call I Got those people I call you and they don't need to call not right now I Feel like that's almost everybody for you Me me me me me me what's happening beautiful people? Good to see you buddy. Well, I'm good to see you. It's over the summer is over You know, I hate to be the fucking bearer of bad fucking news, you know My people are jumping out out there. Oh my god. I can't wait to drink wine. I listen motherfucker It's time to roll up your sleeves. They already putting Halloween shit out already go to CVS

There's Jack O'Lantern's fucking club. Yeah, then I life is moving along and you still living in a Michelob commercial That's a Jack it's all over did you out today? Were you just out driving around today? No, I was out. I went to the gym. I hung out with a buddy of mine. Then I went to boxing for a half hour. Then I came home, washed my pussy, and I went to a little Labor Day party. Oh, very nice.

I cooked some nice sweet sausage and some hot sausage. The guy cooked it up. The kids are there jumping up and down. That's when it's fun when you have a day off. I've had the whole fucking week off, dog. You know me 15 fucking years, Lee. I was anti-vague. That's why I tell people, you can't judge nobody because 12 years ago, you come to me

going, I'm going away. I need a break. I would have fucking stabbed you. What break? What going away? I know people still make fun of me for Pismo Beach. And now you fucking took a break. Yeah, but Pismo Beach, that's a dead sentence. That's not, you got 20 beaches

and you picked Pismo fucking beach. Everywhere you picked was like where people didn't want to go. And I know where she was coming from, she wanted to save 12 bucks. But you went for New Year's to Long Beach. That wasn't my choice. Twenty thousand? No, because you said yes.

Now you're in Long Beach. People go to Japan for New Year's. They jump off buildings, they throw stars up in the air. You went to fucking Long Beach, California to do what? Snoop was out of town. You know what I'm saying? Like he- He's never there. That was the worst. Yeah. You always went to the wrong places every time. It doesn't matter. It was terrible. But I don't want to distract. So you were saying now you took a vacation,

had a great time. Nah, you already fucked my memory up up now I'm pissed at you again because Smoke Beach who the fuck goes to Pismo Beach? Nice all right. I didn't want to get into this. I don't want to distract from peace I'll be just still nice you I was driving up the coast Fucking people glowing about not the only guy I am fucking every kids Braised with a missing limb because the clams are radioactive. Oh, no That's like Oxnard if I want to Oxnard Beach or Long Beach. Yeah, maybe but no Pismo is nice

They have a cinnamon roll play it like they get cinnamon rolls on the beach. What is nice? Let me ask you something Show me one fucking quote from Hemingway where he got a cinnamon roll on the beach Alright, what was Hemingway on the beach? What the fuck? Hemingway's drinking cocktails hanging out with Hawaiian chicks trying to get his balls licked and here you are Eating cinnamon fucking yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was all it was all a dream He used to read whether of maggot no, it was a fucking nightmare Lee. It was one nightmare I couldn't even you would come every week with something that I would go He's working for a network that knows how to get under my skin

You came home one weekend you ate french fries with carne asada fries, that's still good. What do you mean? with carne asada fries. That's still good. What do you mean? There's a whole, San Diego. The both ears would walk out of a car and the whole car would lift up. You would hear the shock absorber say thank you. And you'd be surprised with fucking carne asada

and not even carne asada. Carne asada on North Hollywood. That's where they are. Fucking car wash guys. Nobody even knew the place. He went and a week later was closed down. No wasn't That place has been closed for years He goes up there. He don't even start with the soup or no one gets soup Okay, listen, you might have me on everything else, but no one gets soup at a Mexican place. All right, let's know you do

I know it's good, but that's not the first thing you get Not you but I do a nice soup and an avocado in that motherfucker You eat soup like six times a week shrimp fucking cocktail Mexican style with the beer in it and shit You go up there and get something. That's not even Mexicans are rolling in their grave right now. At least put them on nachos. You put them on french fries with some cheese sauce from fucking- No, no, no, no. There's never cheese sauce.

Don't besmirch my name. There's never a cheese sauce. You came back with fucking red spots like a war criminal. Maybe that's where they started oh You have no idea people have no idea what I know but Connie's son of fries are good I don't care what you say he moves to New York City gets an apartment the most exciting city in the fucking world And he's telling me about what's down the block from his fucking house. He has no idea we have five of The greatest suburbs, you know five fucking Queens, Manhattan Brooklyn and you're looking at like fast food. I would know don't say that

Donkey diner on the corner that didn't go to a diner but it did Listen in California and Boston this shit flies Now you're on my turf. I'm gonna have somebody watching you and there's no more warnings. It's just a punch to the fucking head Much to the stomach that's it you're gonna call me once on me so I was eating and some guy just punch me in the stomach Yeah, because you had a stupid place Yeah, no, I'm so excited to try food in new york but i'd like but again all the wrong place i'm not gonna go in the corners fucking people came from kansas to tell them about food in the bronx and then you know he'll tell me and i'm like what the fuck who am i supposed

to go to all the bronx okay train and go to the fattest Puerto Rican and go let me ask you a question Before you eat that to churro stick whatever they call you those Churro yeah, whatever before you eat that churro. Here's the five dollar bill What's the best Puerto Rican joint this fucking name would I get some rice and beans? A pork chop that'll fucking I go home. I'll sleep for 12 hours I wake up like that dude with the man with that dude that woke up ten years later with a beard. I Have no idea what dude. I don't know Jiminy Cricket. I don't fucking know his name. He fucked with Dan Winkle Yeah, Rip Van Winkle. You'll wake up like Rip Van Winkle Jesus Christ. I you wouldn't be offended if like you were hanging out in Jersey and some dude came up to us like hey, dude

Where should I get something to eat? Well, first of all, you're not gonna walk to a good dude That's skinny with fucking HIV spots on them and ask them. What's a good place to eat? All right, no, you got to go up to the fattest greet the guy who's got still but again this guy could just be a weak fat fuck and he's eating like cheese fries and You know you see him walking out of fucking uh Uncle Vinny's sandwich plot. What's the name of that play?

Jersey Mike's every Mike's with like a two-foot sandwich Whatever the fuck that guy Mike uncle Vinny, I don't know All right, and you know, that's not good food. I want to see the fat dude Yeah, it's walked out of the Chinese lunch special and had two specials. All right, like he had two soups One of the egg rolls one order fucking dumplings and then he had two entrees and then like he wanted to go light He went fried rice and brown rice just to Make his calories. Yeah saves from calories. Holy shit That's the fat fuck you want to go up to I wonder if they go out anymore with uber eats, especially in New York

You don't believe it anytime. Listen a professional fat guy goes out a lazy fat fuck stays in and let some fucking guy named quant to Food and yeah drop it on the first floor and you got to walk down four flights Who's gonna come who's not gonna walk past that food? right, I Can't so professional fat fuck is right. Okay. He don't go to Wendy's. He don't do nothing He has a j-job and 70% of his fucking salary goes to food. He don't put it on the card. He goes to places he could afford because he knows.

When people go to him, oh my God, I heard about this new restaurant in the village. Listen, go fuck yourself, okay? You and your new restaurant. You probably heard it from some fucking hemophiliac Who's never a steak dinner will kill him like you ever see those guys? They've been eating like fucking veggies all their life you give them a steak dinner Now you gotta give them out the mouth and that fucking vegan breath, you know You think they just stopped giving them out the mouth because of the vegan breath. Oh you got you're a vegan you're dying

No, I love everybody but what I'm saying is Except for me. Why except for me you I get made fun of everything. I got love like a motherfucker for you That's why I yell at you when you do these dumb things You know, I got a guy that I grew up with my age Once a week, I gotta hang up on him because you just had Because he goes to play then he complains to me. I didn't know I went into a pizza place. They were Indian What what would you expect? I got nothing against Indians, but show me one Fucking you know, anyway, I don't get started here You didn't want to get started

In a year, who do you want to walk around with some fat fuck you want to follow joey chestnut? You want to see the fucking ghost for his chili dogs and training? He eats steroids whatever the fuck what but he's sponsored by a vegan dog And he couldn't do the thing this year because they like he's sponsored by a vegan dog a million dollars a million dollars Thank you for you to be the spokesperson of carne asada fries If I can't eat it in public I Can't do it. I cannot cannot listen I'm the type of guy That I won't just if I won't jeopardize what I tell people like when I really tell people I went to this restaurant

And I really it's not because I'm trying to get a free appetizer, right? That's the last thing on my mind is because guys Like when I go to Austria $33 for the Sunday sauce See how much it costs to make a Sunday sauce See the portion they give you the meatball the sausage the brajo and the fucking pork rib The bread the water, you know, it's a bargain and you're at a fine dining establishment That's the shit. I give up. I love restaurants, but the $80, what am I, people take me there. I'm gonna tell you to go there.

And I'm not looking to put a dime in, I'm not looking to tell you, listen, this is where Madam Chin Chin eats $82 for a spare rib to try to be somebody and not, I want you to be a fucking American, you know, and eat stuff that's, you know, it doesn't kill your pocket. I love people fucking knock me all the time. I love Segovia. First of all, I've been eating there since 1982.

I got to be loyal to them. Okay. They took care of me back in the day 1495 The steak special every once in a while. They'd sneak me a fucking sangria My loyalty goes with them. But at the same time Where do you get a lobster tail and a fucking surf filet mignon? with potato chips and all the dressings for $69. Wow. Now where? Now I'm a fat fuck.

I don't finish that when I go. When I go with my buddies every eight weeks, we don't finish that. I don't finish that. I can't touch an appetizer. I got to sit there like a victim. I can't even eat a piece of fucking bread after an hour drive Because I know I can't finish it

Right and that and that doesn't have I guess one of the things about New York that I'm really excited about because it seems Like there's a lot of those places that have like really like good deals all day on Instagram They got places where you get the best burrito for two dollars the best Puerto Rican food for three dollars Those places are probably the best. Oh, yeah six You're gonna shit blood for two days and go what the fuck was I thinking? I know you can't go crazy Go with the easy stuff, you know, yeah But people want to go in and I'm not gonna again people go well, Joey You got certain things with certain nationalities look at them

Okay, you know, would you eat there? Yeah. Anyway, it doesn't Know you double down you like fuck them I Yeah, it's 2024 we're going into 2025 You know, you got to change your outlook You know, you gotta change your outlook. You're all, and it's already 2025 for you? In my world, yes, but right now I'm just absorbing what's coming at me.

You know, I'm really absorbing what's coming at me. Lee, one of the things, listen, I miss doing comedy, but to do comedy, right? You got a scheduled dates Right and I said this before one of the things I fucking hate is having sent something hanging on my head And then includes comedy what's tonight tonight's Monday right me Thursday and. Hey man. I got a call from whatever club I'm not gonna mention they offer me a lease. I had him friends. You want to swing by on a Thursday? You'll probably have a better chance to get me there Then saying I got a date October 12th it pays $88,000, you know, and I'm just making up a number here. I get $88,000. I wouldn't be talking to you if I got $88,000.

I don't blame you. But what I'm saying, you understand what I'm saying? That shit used to drive me fucking crazy. And that was two quarters of my fucking anxiety. And I feel it now. Like when people call me now and go hey October 12th Hit me on total tent And they shit their pants. I'm like, what are you talking? Yeah guys, it's all over It's all it's a different world for me now. I lived through that for 20

fucking years And One point you go it's great. But at the one point you go, it's great. But at the other point you go, right now, that's too much for me. Maybe in 2025. Do you think, yeah, maybe that'll be, do you think, like, what are you most excited about for getting back to stand up? Well, I'm not really getting back into stand.

I got a lot of shit going on. So it's going to be a slow progression. I'm really having a nice time writing. And all the material sucks. But it's a lot better than I was writing three or four months ago. Nice. Look, man, it took me, I told you,

you have to step outside your boundaries sometimes and look within. And sometimes it's real painful and you don't like what you see. But for the first time in my life, I kind of like what I see. I see a young girl growing up, my wife's happy, you know. You know, why am I rushing this?

This is like, and again, I'm not comparing anything. I'm not saying anything bad. If you know anything about Led Zeppelin, they came to him for the last album and Robert Plant was like, absolutely not. And they kept coming to him and coming to him and coming to him and finally Bonham came to him and said, you gotta help me with this.

And he goes, okay. And he got to the studio. Jimmy Page is all whacked up on everyone. We spoke about it on the podcast with Dean. And now something he didn't want to do at all. And he got into it. At least now I feel like I'm going into it knowing. Like before when I got here, it was like,

I'm going into a life that I don't even know what I'm going into here. And you want me to go on the road and talk about stand-up. I couldn't even focus on writing Now I see, you know, you're coming back that excites me Oh, thank you buddy, but me fucking going Yeah, I got a date for you January 12th Hit me January 2nd. All right, because I want to enjoy my fucking holiday. Could like, do you want to just release tickets late or could someone else like do it for

it? Can you deal with someone like, hey, book me these dates, but don't tell me right now, motherfucker. It's Tuesday, the third. My daughter starts school on the fourth. She's going to middle school. And I'm just excited for the fucking glass Alright Lee the last half of the third quarter and the beginning of the fourth quarter

The year that makes my dick hard. This is the time of the year where I fucking dig it So without further ado, let's get this podcast started, please It's Tuesday the 3rd of September the check-in is brought to you by come on the freeze pipe listen when it's time to kick back and relax you're gonna need the freeze pipe it's the coolest way to smoke follow me the pipe comes with a glycerin chamber that you pop into the freezer when you're ready to see the devil you Pop it out and it cools down the smoke by 300 degrees

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It's time to roll up your sleeves. Kick the smule. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. They thought well, Joey could do it. your sleeves. Kick this mule! What up Luke? Hey buddy, I'm good. The day is done. The summer is done. You know now is when you got to look and say how do I want to end the year and what am I looking for for fucking January? We put it off in June. We put it off in March You know now it's time to fucking Listen, I always say it there's people that waiting for a bus that don't want to get on it when it shows up

Anyway, they just want to wait for us There's a time of year where you you gotta get on that motherfucking bus and tell the bus driver, I'm in it till you fucking run out of gas, cocksucker. But this is like the most scared I've ever been. Like I've been feeling lately, like I feel like I'm ready. I honestly feel like I'm fine enough to be in New York, but it's just like I'm starting to really, like it's two weeks of feeling the pressure

of like I'm gonna be in New York, but it's just like I'm starting to really like it's two weeks of feeling the pressure of like I'm gonna be in New York like I can't let it like just Slip away to think I like about this podcast and any podcast I've been a part of with you is that for people who don't know I do put the date I put whoever's in charge of the podcast as sponsors and I put the topics that happened this week that I'd like to discuss with you, but a good podcast is we come on here and podcast, the sponsors, and I put the topics that happened this week that I'd like to discuss with you. But a good podcast is we come on here and you

just said something that I wanted to talk to you about, I just forgot to write it down. You said that you didn't know if you're ready for New York City. How long have you been doing stand-up on stage for now, altogether? Seven years in November, but then there's like a year with COVID, so more like six. Six years in November, anyway. So.

Okay. I started in 91. Come on, man. From June of 91 to, I don't know, January of 93, it was just an apparatus for me. I was buying time to decide if I was gonna be a criminal, wanna be a comic or what the fuck,

what direction I was going. I was 28 years old and yeah, whatever the fuck. But I was slow for the first 18 months. I was going through a divorce. You know, I was doing my thing in Boulder. I had a young girlfriend. You know, it was a different time. And comedy wasn't the focus. The focus was selling some drugs while I was doing stand up and just having a girlfriend that would make me feel you know, whatever. And then after she broke up with me, and I realized I was a loser, I came back On comedy, so I lost 18 months. So I'm like you

Now when I lived in seattle, which is where you've been in boston You haven't done contests. You haven't really been part of the one nighter scene. You're at the 50 50 level You know, I was just like you same thing You're fucking every month you start at zero you get the calendar you write How much they're gonna pay you? Whoo, okay Then came LA and Never in my heart, but I ever think I was. When I walked into that comedy store, I knew I wasn't

ready. When she picked me, I was like, this is a complete fuss. She's going to realize how bad I am. I told you about the times I would bomb and get in the car and cry and go, that's the last time I'll be there. But she saw something. And then something happened. I started looking at it. You and I have been getting into discussions lately Some of them are off the check-in nothing bad, but some of them are pleasurable And some are like, you know are coming down to jesus moment for the both of us We love each other that much and we could talk to each other like that And me i'm out to protect to protect you

You know, but it's almost almost and this is i protect eric You know people call me at all hours of the night. I got a problem with comedy. What do you think? I put this up on youtube. Let's work on it. Let's work on it together. Don't stress. It ain't the end of your career It ain't the end of your career. It ain't the end of your career. But anyway, you and I get into conversations and the biggest conversation is, are you ready? Mm-hmm. You know, Friday nights at Comic Strip.

You know, there's just some stuff that you... And I think back to two times getting a blue belt in Jiu-Jitsu. And the first time I knew I wasn't ready, I was way off the course. It was horrible. I just had a good work ethic. And I would roll and get beat up and tap, you know. But the second time, I was there for a year and three months. And I remember it was really shocking to me. I didn't think I was going to get the blue belt then. I didn't care. I didn't join

for the blue belt. But I saw by giving me a blue belt the motivation I got. Right, right. Do you follow me? A thousand percent. It's really weird that you're in the same position and I can't judge you on that. I could just talk to you and go the warnings of this, but at the same time, it's what I did. For two years, I walked around the comics still like, What is this? When is this gonna end? Right. Oh, absolutely.

Well, they're going to see and I'm just a fucking sack of shit. And when I say like I'm ready, I felt like I was ready for New York. I mean, like my level, I'm not talking about the top level clubs right now. Absolutely. Absolutely. I understand. OK, but I want people to be like, he thinks he's ready for the seller. No, not yet You have a very great attitude get the seller out of your vocabulary. Yeah, because that's the big Problem right? Okay. I got a really interesting call this week Friday night I don't know where I got a text from an old friend of mine and he's working a club

and he's working with two other old friends of mine. One of them who is hysterically funny and who should, he should have been ruling comedy right now. But somewhere along the line he had a job and his focus and in his later years he woke up and he's doing things now but it's not to the level that he can. Very funny. I'm not going to throw him under the bus and mention no names. He knows he's funny. We'll talk to him about this later on. Friday night he blew up a room, which means half of them walked. Oh no. And the other half stood there and gave him a standing ovation. Right, Jesus Christ. At first I was like, wow, I don't see the magic in that. And then I go, I just smacked myself. And I go, that's what comedy used to be.

Yeah. When I first watched Stan Hope, he was walking rooms on purpose. Rooms that you would say, he was walking rooms on purpose. Rooms that you would say, Joey, I got 90 people. He would go out there and clear them dog. Clear 50 of them. But the people who stayed loved them. Yeah. Oh yeah. They will love what happened. They love to see a train wreck.

What have I told you for 30 fucking years open mics or a train wreck? This was not open mic Right. Oh, no, this is a fucking Listen, I work with Stan Hope twice at the broker in in the early 90s and then I didn't see him till 95 in Seattle and The summer in 96 he came back after winning San Francisco and the display he put on in that room on a Friday night was something that I'll never forget you just had about I can't sit here and blow smoke and tell you we would know it was I'm sitting there as a fucking you know I done a guess to me I didn't guess that and what I saw, I don't know what the underground sat there,

but whatever it sat, 60 people walked at the 25-minute mark. And after that, it was four couples, two couples every five minutes. And he didn't back off. He kept pounding, pounding, pounding. I'll never forget the one time that Friday night, it wasn't like a, Saturday night, he did so well Friday. He defied what comedy was on Friday night. I canceled my gig on Saturday.

I didn't even go to Stano. I went camping with a girl because I was so depressed because I would never be that good Jesus what he did and I forgot all that shit till my buddy sent me the text the other night I'm like, I remember those days going up there and saying something and five people walking and you're like, okay Nobody is doing that anymore Well, that's how the club supportive of it listen right away you I got your money I'm gonna come up to you and give you some bullshit story hey mr. mr. cyan I'm sorry about this my mother she's I'm gonna have to give her a Xanax

to calm her down. Can we give you two tickets?" The mother's like, no, I've never been this insulted in my life. Just the idea of it's making you laugh. Because right there, it's the club owner who determines what goes down Lee Right audience wins or listen. I brought an act of town. You don't like them. I got your money. Don't come back

But I'm not giving you money back because you're insulted this guy was speaking the truth up there And I still remember like seeing the people they didn't know listen. He was so They just walked out didn't even ask for the money It was every like six guys that some guy wearing a Birkenstocks excuse me, I was very upset He was talking about Chinese kids making sneakers, whatever the fuck. I love that you remember the joke. Well, I remember the look on people's faces is something that we've forgotten as comedians. We really have. Now a bunch of comics are going to hit me in a week. You ain't going to go and sort. No. Just, you know, Lenny Bruce did it. Richard Pryor did it. But I'm just making an analogy here. We've become so safe as comics that we wouldn't even,

there was a comic in Seattle. There was two of them. I mean, here I am trying to be a feature act. Right. Doing comedy, I'm a lease I had. I'm six years in, I'm dying to fucking do something with my life. Right. And these two guys are selling our shows,

selling that was 90 tickets. That's a lot of tickets. And they'd go up there and just drop a bomb. And Seattle, no matter how cool it was with Pearl Jam and Nirvana, they couldn't take that. Audiences, and I don't remember what they would say. They would, like a lot, I saw a guy come out one night and again, that's the decision that you make whether you, what's that expression? I win the war.

Lose the battle but win the war. Yeah, because you got to go, okay, what's really going on here? Right. Is my joke that powerful? I mean, sometimes you come out and say, you saw a Holtzman and fucking met a squag garden. Sometimes you come out and say, you saw a Holtzman in fucking Madison Square Garden. He goes off, I've never met him before. He goes fucking off, he's awesome. Yeah, listen, that was in Madison Square Garden

and that was a percentage of people were like, ooh, that's New York City, you've heard it all. Think about a fucking club in like Minneapolis, he comes out and says, my impersonation of Robin Williams. People, you know, I sit there do the side of the cross, but I giggle, you know, whatever. I'm not giggling at the fucking joke. I'm giggling at the response. Oh, that's so funny. You like the response?

Why do you like it? Do you like it because you've seen it from stage? Or do you like it just because they... Look at you, you're just red. I love human reaction to shit that's got nothing to do with them. I've never heard of someone getting happy human reaction to shit that's got nothing to do with them, you know, like, I've never heard of someone getting happy because someone else is upset.

My dear friend, which we won't mention any names, went up on stage at the comedy store one night, like two weeks after Princess died, died, called her a cunt, right? And I don't have to tell you what happened, right? Oh my God god two weeks after But there was a funny guy. There was a guy, you know, one of our dear friends. I still speak to And a funny comic from Boston, but the funny comic from Boston was gay and he was living with a gay lover and my friend and his wife went over there for dinner one night, like a month after our dear friend says that Princess Di is a cunt.

And my friend happens to bring up my dear friend's name, who said that, and the one gay guy looked at him and he goes, he's the one that called Princess Diana cunt. The other one would you laugh in their face if we did that in front of you oh my god and there's some comics that are just brilliant i was at the store the night Joey Bart a Foucault walked in with his wife his wife just got shot in the head What? Lee I'm not gonna give you a history lesson there was a guy in Long Island who cheated on his wife with a

18 year old girl and fucked her Then the girl fell in love with him and one day she got a gun and shot the wife in the face. And they had to do plastic surgery on her and her face wasn't the same. We'll get to the story later on, but they were like three or four years later. Nah, cause all that stuff happened in the 90s, 91, maybe 92. We're at the store and somebody told the guy he could be a fucking actor, Chori Badufuco. So Chori Badufuco will come to the store and somebody told the guy he could be a fucking actor

Joey Badafouca will come to the store. No, he wasn't doing comedy Okay He would come to the store to hang out with dice and all the other guys and he would come up on Sunday nights And I remember this fucking hilarious comic went up on stage one night and he goes look at this We have a room of celebrities tonight, you know, Martin Lawrence is here and Joe out of Foucault's here. He goes I can't even say his name with a straight face neither can his wife Fucking Christ Jesus

Fucking Christ like I thought I was gonna pass out like I was hosting and I thought I was gonna pass Fuck speaking on which nothing to do with it when I got back. I had a package here I'll brief for that my friends say was gonna drop off Shit that they try to give people That I can't even say how strong this weed is I did the first bond hit Lee and you know, my teeth was shattering in my mouth as I was just that good. It's that good. My eyes haven't gotten clear in two days. Like they just shot red. Ryzen hasn't worked. Nothing. I'm on code red. It's all over. But anyway, back to the Vietnamese kid. What the fuck we're talking about? What are we talking about?

About the guy who made fun of Joey's wife. You know, and that style of comedy, you know, Kennison did it, but it's not saying it. It's how you're gonna play their reaction. Stan Hope was brilliant because Stan Hope would, you could see the woman get her, like the lady in fucking, in New Jersey that night. She got up, same thing she got up said something the husband they walk out together and stand up and say oh Don't leave you haven't heard my tit-fuck joke yet

That's the fucking brilliance That was the brilliance that they were walking and he was like, you know what? Hold on. I haven't told you when I fucked the stripper up the ass with the broomstick. Oh, he didn't say that. Right. But that's the reaction he would have to that, which would really. And then you see another couple get up and then he'd do like four minutes and another couple would get up and you're like, Oh, but to think

like guys like you and I at the six-year mark were like we would never do that we're praying for the audience right a different mind to go up there and do that and somewhere along the line you got to tame it back or people just stop going to your shows right but it's yeah I was I would never I'd be afraid like I almost feel like every time I go up and at a club Like I'm basically auditioning and who knows if anyone's even watching but it's like always you're saying something like that There's one person that's always watching that's lonely. His uncle died his cat died and He goes out me to enjoys the art of comedy

And he'll come up to you four years from now When he's on vacation to someone he'll see you at the club in connecticut the night that you closed it You had something I agreed with you. You were very fun and you're gonna go. Holy shit Because there are people that don't want to be comedy whores, they just enjoy the art. There's people who love jazz music, right? Oh, yeah. You said you went to the Blue Note in New York, correct? A couple times.

It was awesome. Oh, it was. There's people who just love jazz. They won't even, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar won't listen to fucking rock and roll music. So everybody has their own motherfucking thing. But I'm really excited about Thursday night. Guys, look, I'm not bullshitting nobody. For 20 years, I didn't give a fuck. And that's my witness right there. Because people always like to check on stuff

when you say things that are wrong. I'm surprised people haven't said, Joey, this is you 10 years ago, chastising Lee for watching football. Yeah. And I moved back and I went to Florentine's house to watch on a Sunday. And I didn't think men like that existed because I haven't been around crazy people like that in fucking 30 years. And next thing you know, I started, we always had draft Kings, but it's football season. And even like Jimmy's friends are calling me already.

Like we're ready for fucking Sunday. Oh yeah, we're going off. Will you be here this Sunday, Lee? No. No, no, no. I have shows this weekend, so next the weekend after, but yeah, football is gonna be great. Jimmy is gonna be where you were last week.

In Saratoga, yeah. Saratoga, so that's good. So you leave fucking killing killing he'll go up there and mop up the fucking place but you know like uh baseball's eating up right now it's easy like Philadelphia from now till fucking the third week of September Philadelphia is not going to lose especially at home when they start taking polls down and shooting migrants. They don't fuck around in Philadelphia if they lose. So there's just it's just a fun time of the year.

This is the time of the year that you have college, which I know nothing about. My brother told me to bet Georgia Tech the other night. The other team is still scoring USC. At least put the small 10 on them. You know what I'm saying? I pulled the lead side at So I like baseball this time of the year and then you got the first week of pro football Luxy and then you attack but Thursday night's just a great game the Ravens with that fucking new running back. Oh Shit again name

The dude from I think he was on Tennessee or Indianapolis. Oh Derek Henry. Yeah Yeah, I forgot he was on Baltimore That's a triple threat if I have a fucking saw one brother. That's a thousand brothers coming at you. That's old-school football What what so let's take a breather real quick. Let me talk to you about draft gigs. Hey It's Tuesday morning. You're ready Thursday night the NFL season begins a new season means new ways to get it on the action and That's a draft king sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the NFL Getting started couldn't be easier. Just place a bet on something simple like picking a player to score touchdown

Once you get in the groove You can start placing all sorts of bets and raking in the dough get ready for the best season ever Listen me. I'm draft Kings from A to Z With the profit boost the whole thing and right now you got baseball With the profit boost the whole thing and right now you got baseball Playoff baseball you got college football. Come on, and now you got the NFL Starting Thursday night. Listen, you've been with all of them. It's time for you to come to draft Kingsport book So do yourself a favor Download the draft Kingsport book app and use code Joey. It's that simple

Joey why that's code Joey for new customers to get 250 in bonus bets when you bet just five bucks and get listen one month of NFL plus premium on us only on DraftKings where the crown is yours. Uncle Joey here to wish you good luck this football season or whatever your endeavor is. Now if you don't mind, back to the check-in. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In New York, call 877-8HOPENY or text HOPENY467369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org.

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Lee we had a guest a little later. I'll tell you what Last week before we're gonna start the podcast. My wife was out of town I realized that the fucking battery died in the mouse like this can't happen when my wife is here Right this must happen the minute she fucking takes off or whatever now. I got every fucking battery There is I got car batteries. I got batteries for boats. I got everything Battery that you need at the time of death that you don't have Okay So we do the podcast you teach me how to tune in we do the podcast, you teach me how to tune in.

We do the podcast and I don't know, I'm walking around for four, three days before I leave and booyah, guess what I see in the closet? The battery. Nice. So tonight I come in, I go, oh, that's right. I gotta put the batteries in the fucking mouse. I go look at the batteries, they don't fit. It's the size smaller, that's right. I got to put the batteries in the fucking mouse. I go look at the batteries. They don't fit.

It's the size smaller than that, right? It's like a Manscaped Razor or something. It's for fucking, no, the Manscaped comes automatically with the charger. It's for something stupid. But I put the wrong glasses on, right? Like I had my super heavy glasses, but I didn't. These are over the counter, motherfuckers.

I could see into the future with these. These are fucking really, and I'm growing into them. But as I go to throw the batteries on the fucking floor of anger, I go, oh, let me look what's in this box. Guess what I found? What? Glasses I lost four years ago when I moved here

from fucking California. These are the real, I had these for a long fucking time. I Just found them to land a little Elvis Presley boxy Thing and you end up finding another So you never know what you're looking for. It's like I told you you hear and what am I gonna do sign a lease for two Years, no take a chance Columbus did sign a lease. Hopefully years? No. Take a chance, Columbus did. Sign a lease, hopefully you'll meet some German chick with long legs that will wrap them around your throat

and take you up to fucking Queens. Queens is nice, but that would be awesome. I'm just really excited, but I want to hear about your trip to Delaware. First off, the last time I went to Delaware was 1997. And it was the three longest days of my life, because I didn't know this. When I got there, that's when they hit me with, you got to wear clean. Oh no.

And they hit me with, do you have a college shirt and a tie and a jacket? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You dare enter this house. So that didn't work out for me, but I picked up like two dates somewhere else. And it was shitty money, it didn't matter. But I remember leaving here, and even though my brother, my favorite person in the world lives here in Delaware I fucking left after three days and for years I promised him I

Was gonna go back and I didn't go back to four years ago This week when his wife passed away Then this summer After softball season during softball season. They said last week we go to Rehoboth Beach And you guys are invited and I go perfect. Let's go down. I get to see my brother Go down there see what this is all about now. I've been to every beach in Jersey since I've been here Maybe not everyone I'm exaggerating right and all of them have been fucking not what I expected Not in a bad way. I'm a Jersey guy, but again, I'm not gonna tell you something. They've all not been, you know, it's not the same.

Right. They crowded a lot of people that, again, it's like the circus. I'm saying this joke for my friend there. It's like the circus came to town. The truck broke down. You know, I gotta have my kids around these people now, walking around, you know, with coolers and kids around these people now walking around, you know with coolers and shit

It's a different clientele. Right and I was a kid, you know, and I went to wildwood. I went to maywood I went to see you know, I went to you know, and so This was completely different. North Carolina was too boring for me Yeah, there's horses on the beach. Okay, great. But you know what? Check yourself before you wreck yourself. New Jersey's the equestrian state. There's more horses per capita in New Jersey than there is anywhere else,

so I'm not going to North Carolina and look at a fucking horse. I got horses in freehold. We can go bet the fucking horses tomorrow night. Beautiful fucking horses. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if they're beautiful, but, a horse.

Ha ha ha ha. It's one of those track horses. They go right from there to fucking Purina. Yeah. Oh no. There's no future there, yeah. There's no fucking future there. So, this was fucking great.

You take a ferry for an hour. I was smoking my little vapor pen like I owned a ship, like fucking Oscar on the love boat. Whatever it is, Isaac, the little black guy. I was down, and you sit there, and all of a sudden on the other end of you land, you lose, and you get off, and I was 25 minutes from lose.

Loose, whatever the fuck it is. By the way, I got to shout out, my brother down in Delaware, Johnny B. He's a fan of the church, you, me, everybody. He's my brother, Mike's friend. I don't even know if his, I know his name is John. I don't know if it's D or B, whatever the fuck. Just take the shout out and fucking, you know,

go get you some Clorams in Delaware, whatever the fuck they got. So, there's Dewey Beach, Bradley Beach, there's Rahul Beach for some reason, this family wanted to go to Rahul Beach, and Lee, I was blown away. What do you like about it? Very family, everything closes at 10 o'clock,

you know where you stand. If you don't got rolling papers, you better get them before sundown. You know? Ha ha ha. But they got nothing there. You know, listen, my daughter's at an age, you know, I don't want to take her,

and you have Ocean City, Maryland, 30 minutes away, and you have, oh, 45 minutes away, and you have Dewey Beach the other do we do we beach the other way? Which is a little wilder. That's for you You know I'm saying go there you wake up somebody roofied your fucking seven up. That's for you. You know, I think your beat sounds better Huh? I think the one you someone two sounds better than that. Jesus Christ. Oh, you're a young guy You don't want to get right now is the age where you want to get roofie You want to call me one of these nights and go bro some chicks took me home when I was eating a pussy

I woke up and I was handcuffed and she took my wallet my Jewish Federation card. I don't know. Oh, no, I Would love the yeah that yeah Good to you or that sounded good to you. That's living your life Lee Over to New York something's gonna happen to you. That's living your life lee living. You know moving to new york something's gonna happen to you Oh, I was I was wondering if like i'm gonna get like because i'm fucking you You can't come down from the apartment. It's been a week. You're not coming down You know You call the hooker, you know, whatever. I don't know first thing you're gonna say when I actually finally move in uh, oh But I don't think a hooker can make it up those stairs and.

Oh, you got one of those human traffic. Oh, God, those motherfuckers around. You were joking like one with the heels, like from the 70s. Oh, I know you're joking. I'm just joking around. But listen, if a hooker can't make it up for a flight, you don't want him in your house. You want him to run up for a flight

for certain different reasons. You want the monkey to move around and shake those last critters out before he comes in. You know what I'm saying? When she comes in, you spray repellent behind her. You know, it's a different world. You put the critters out. Yeah. You got to hang them by one leg you know. It's a different world. You're pulling critters out. Yeah.

You gotta hang them by one leg and make sure everything's out of there. You gotta blow dry it, I don't know. Oh, I've heard that it's like, kind of hard to like, and it's perfect, because I don't want one, but like, it's like, most people don't like date in New York. It's just like, they hook up and that's. They what?

I heard like, there's a lot, not a lot of people who. That's the voice you need. I heard there's a lot of people that don't like that. They listen You're a no romantic Jew you want to be in the will you got to pop up a fucking grandson, so You're looking for love. You know I'm saying you're not looking for hookups and with your luck You've got another rash and it comes back and it affects the one you already have like me I got I'm a rashy motherfucker, too. I've never gotten one from that. Thank God Oh, no when you went to the jacuzzi and ate Paul his ass you came back It was not from it was from the jacuzzi. God damn it

But I was waiting for that the good piece about being just like when the jacuzzi gonna get brought up and see a fucking devil This dies and you're saving it for the end Goddamn it like that was a thing like he said I did fucked up shit It was like somehow you like God It only happened right before I saw you this motherfucker came back looking like one of the Avengers got to him like blow towards that He had red spots Two days and he put makeup on he came in like with a half a cape I gotta leave I gotta edit and I'm Lee. Where you going?

And also I saw blotches everywhere if you go back to podcast 488, that's when we caught the spotty. I think It'd be around the god. That was fucking awful It was like you ever see hitch that Will Smith movie where he's like drinking Benadryl? I didn't know what the fuck it was. I just woke up and my face had exploded. And I ended up with a podcast like that night. I was like, this guy's gonna fucking destroy me. I wrote fucking pink stuff on it. And it was like a fucking, I don't know, whatever it was. Just a dirty hot tub. What about time period guys when you're like, it's like Ari developed a great show off with great titles. This is not happening.

They gotta develop another one that's called, this ain't happening to me. Once a week, I had to stop when I was doing a leak. Are you putting me on? Like, it's something you're gonna do, this shit. Because this cannot be like this just can't be happening to an American this is not even you're a nice kid why are you going through all this shit we used to go to a restaurant it was a coffee shop guys i've eaten breakfast in 80 states

right i don't know there's like 51 of them I don't have any fucking state This place was in the top fucking 10 that coffee shop on the corner. It was great Yeah, this Momo would show up and get the eggs and bacon ago. Yeah, I live two seconds down the road No, you live two seconds down the road Yeah, Paula would make you go to Starbucks and wait online for 20. I've been upset me Okay, and now the eggs are cold The bacon and I go don't believe lunch and the coffee there was great guys But somewhere in her fucking lawyer ass

She needed to go to Starbucks to get the coffee and I go Lee what? When are you gonna stop this abuse? The coffee that I'm in there drinking green tea. My dick's getting hard while I'm drinking it They get it right from the China mint. You know I'm saying fucking You're going around the corner the Starbucks the eggs are gonna get cold To bake the potatoes there would have died for am I not whole thing was the bacon was better? His home is always better. Home is always, especially when it's closed.

That's what I'm saying. You're going to move up to a four story flight. No, I'm not. No, but I'm not. You just heard them, cocksuckers. Four stories. I'm not. I'm going to be out every night. I'll be out. It's 25 hours a month you're not getting dick all you get is a Chance to come over and carry him up and down the stairs for a week be his Swami bring up the fuck it He's not gonna make it guys. I'll make it am I paying them $25 a month? They're paying me You're gonna do bonuses. All right, you're gonna do some type of bonus here. They come over there the comic guys They go into the city with you But most importantly, they're like Japanese dudes like samurais You know, you always have like an understudy your understudy

You understand first of all, you got to put on the biography must have both legs You know and your knees like Joey Diaz cannot apply for the job even 525 because they had a redone knee Right now that's good for you. I'm not trying to put anybody down I'm just right away you people saying how he's talking about no, I'm not talking about anybody Let's say some guy got blown up in her ma's he's missing an elbow How's he gonna carry the fucking boxes of burritos and all the other shit Lee needs upstairs. Put it on a bag and then just hold it. Are we going to fucking walk in upstairs? I don't know.

That's a street. Anyway, I found a great restaurant. If you're ever in Delaware, go in there. And it's not good. What the fuck are you giggling about? I didn't know we were back in Delaware. Yeah, I have to switch it back because we were going somewhere dark.

It's still too early in the episode. This is like I witnessed news. Give me the bad news in the beginning and then we show you the black kid with the one eye playing the flute. Now he's going to Harvard now. Oh. I

Got a psychology that like you just showed me people getting blown up right they're trying to take down that in Yahoo You know the some migrants stabbed the fucking homeless Chinese lady in the train Huh? Oh, but hold on. You're going to make me happy. A chick who got beaten, ate by a shark is now running the fucking New York City Marathon. Yeah. This just brought me joy. Am I wrong, Lee? No, they do. They always say from the very end, everything's been terrible. Everything's been terrible. And No, they do it. They all usually say but from the very end everything's been terrible Oh, everything's been terrible and then they show you it. I can't you know, and I watch it to learn how to be funny Sometimes you got to watch that just to learn, you know, this is the same thing if you're gonna walk a room You got the end. You're gonna go hold on before you leave. Did I tell you?

Did I fucking? Like a joke about your kids? No, you do something that you did something nice in the community. Oh, okay, you were nice to someone, okay. You saved a kid, you know, you did something. Right. Donated blood, you did something, you know what I'm saying?

And I'm not gonna lie. Just to get them back? We'll see the humanity in you. Sometimes, they don't say that type of material, they see the humanity in you. Sometimes they that type of material They see the humanity in me It's funny the other day. I was I went somewhere And I stopped at CVS and this is fucking crazy For four years There's been a cat family out there

I mean summer fall winter there's been a cat family out Oh, you forgot winter that time. Yeah, all right, if whatever. Give me a pass. I'll read the chapter and come back to you next week. But you forgot a different one each time. The first time you forgot spring, and then you forgot winter. Anyway, so I'm driving by now. When I first moved here, I would take a ride at night. You know, I was going through whatever I was going through.

And every night, I like CVS. I'm a CVS groupie. If you want to find me, just go to a universe CVS store. I'll be in CVS. I love CVS. Sometimes I see a CVS I just pull over just to see the sales to see if my coupons activated when it comes I think you asked me last week cold and CVS. I take my shit seriously

Yes will give you a coupon for the shit you need you know saying yeah Like if you need a grenade and you go to CBS The next coupon they give you ain't gonna be for a fucking flying saucer. It's gonna be ten dollars off a grenade Afters you would have just bought the grenade what As I buy it so if I'm buying something then that's when they give me the receipt the Yeah, I just saw I got another deal. I got four percent four dollars off But they sent me individual coupons for the stuff. I like Nick a red gun Ludens cross drops the wild cherry right? Oh, I'll eat a whole bag of those fucking things

These crop drops, the wild cherry, I'll eat a whole bag of those fucking things. Big bag, stop. Those caramels, I'll fucking bag a bag and put them all over the house. And I get high and I forget what the fuck they are. It's like losing a child. You know what I'm saying? You're like, what the fuck? How many things of caramels do you have around the house? I don't know.

And then Terry finds them, Mercy finds them. Oh, you hide them? them, Mercy finds them. Oh, you hide them? Yeah, I hide them from myself. You gotta hide shit from yourself and then try to remember. I thought you were like little dishes. I'm looking for like three things right now that I've lost. Oh no.

One of them belongs to a friend of mine. I tried to hide it from him, but I hid it from him. I've been looking for fucking weeks for this thing. It's a nightmare. Wait, are you saying you hide stuff and then you're so good at the hiding that you forget where it is? Oh, oh yeah.

Oh yeah. And every once in a while you find something else. Sometimes you're looking for a tube, you're looking for a wrench, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes you find looking for a tube, you're looking for a wrench, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes you find some crazies. Why are you hiding things from yourself? Because I'm a danger to society. Like dog, I got weapons hidden in California still in a yard. Like I can't sleep at night. I still got a 32 hitting the North Bergen in somebody's yard up there.

I always drive by and check on it. I'm scared to go in the yard because the family don't even live there no more. Right, but now you're hiding caramels. Yeah, it starts somewhere. It starts somewhere, right? When I was a kid, I used to hide pacifiers, and I'd hide them all over the house.

And whenever things got danger, I'd suck them all over the house and whenever things got danger Pacifier for two minutes. That's where it all started with pacifiers. Just so you know, I like it So anyway, what are we talking about? You tell away? What is it Lee? You're confusing me But no way I was just laughing that you that you have lost so many things But you find them or sometimes you find something better, but I've never done I've never done that's crazy. Um, I Don't think we were talking about anything but I had a great weekend I had a fucking awesome weekend I know you said you had three great shows four great shows and I get something I'm not I know I don't really do crowd work but like it was just I did a good job of like as those are the others a crowd member who was angry that they

Were out of something in the kitchen and he was bringing like and they were very talkative people and like I handled it better than I have before Like I was able to really just go where they were going. And sometimes go, what are you angry about? Well, they don't have the fucking pizza, listen. But they have the rice balls because you're a chubby dude. You took it to menu. Oh, yeah. What do you want?

And go, you know what? If there's a problem, give them the rice balls on me. And right away, the guy won't know what to do. His attitude changes. Happens when you're in the green room, even when nobody knows you, somebody's not going to know. Some guy wants to see it. He's going to come back there. Remember when Black Lives Matter took over Redondo beach,

like washing black people's feet. Oh yeah. You ever see that video? Yeah, that's terrible. You want to come in and just kneel and wash your feet because you took the anger. See, everybody wants to get into a fucking bidding war with a heckler. There's no, there's nothing in that. Right.

There's nothing in that. Well, they heckled me. They heckled me because partially act were weak. Right, oh yeah. Now you have to see what the motivation is. They heckled you because they're drunk is they heckled you because they're drunk They have because they're high on coke They heckled you because when they're in a coke, they can't shut the fuck up

So now they bring it to the show and now mentally they become part of the show Or they're angry because their wives brought them there or they're angry in general, right? Each way if you get into a shouting match, you're going to ruin their experience because you wanted to prove to them that your dick was bigger than his. And sometimes let them know his dick was bigger than yours in the weirdest way. Like Doug, you don't even, you don't even yell. You just go over to him and go, hey, you're embarrassing your wife. Oh my god That's a good one. That's a good one whisper Don't yell it. Okay show him the respect to whisper to him in front of his wife

Even though you're taking the microphone down from your mouth Uh-huh. The phone is gonna pick it up, right? A little bit of it and he's gonna look into your eyes and you're not gonna pick it up. Right. Little bit of it. And he's gonna look into your eyes and you're not gonna go up to him and go, respect your fucking wife, no. Listen, you're embarrassing your wife, all right? Knock it off.

And wink at him. And she'll hit him his leg. Nine out of 10, she'll go like rub his leg. And now you took away everything he was gonna tell you right if he's after that fuck you you fat fuck you jew security he takes him out because you were a gentleman but if you incite him right i'm seeing a lot of heckler tapes a lot of young comics and older comics putting up a lot of crowd talk i'm not paying 20 bucks to see you do crowd work, right? I'm getting a babysitter to see you do crowd work Stop putting it up on your fucking instagram because every time I look that's what I see. I'm not going to see you

Right. I want to see you. I want to know what you think about fucking what's going on right now What's going on in your house? What's going on your life? I'll pay the 50 bucks for parking But if I'm gonna go down and you know, that's what it's gonna happen now people gonna use their entertainment dollar they have YouTube, you know people hear you from the podcast, but People angry right now You don't want somebody pulling the piece on you. Do you know No, and I've been very lucky. I haven't really had too many angry ones. I have like the ones I had this weekend were like, they were just happy to be there. And it was but they wanted

to chat a little bit. And it made like I used to like, and that's a very rarity. I remember those nights. Listen, they were great. You will call my dear friend Ricky Cruz a night that we all learned a big lesson We got forced to work Easter Sunday They told us the club was going to close but they said they had a bunch of reservations They said they'd give us like an extra hundred bucks I had line I don't know. There must have been 48 people in there on Easter Sunday the show started at 730 we didn't leave that till midnight was when I got off stage for comics one up it was one of the best shows I ever saw in my life that

I was a part of never mind festivals and all this bullshit this was real comedy on a Sunday night we had a girl go up there, take a top off and fucking do magic. It was insane. It was insane. It was wild. We'll get Ricky Cruz on the podcast, my friend from Miami to come on

and tell some of those early stories of what? Miami early. Like, you know, Sunday night in Miami, people watching the Dolphins. Right. And they're watching the Dolphins right and now watching the Dolphins they're watching the fucking Marlins or you know, it's April they're out on a boat. They don't want to go see comedy on a Sunday, especially three unknowns It was one of the best shows Lee It was crying number the girl took off at top and her boyfriend was there and everybody I mean everybody was happy He went to show on the debts and she was doing magic tricks on a Sunday night

Who just who thinks a woman's gonna go up on stage and show do magic tricks topless. I've never seen that Yeah, it was fun. I hate magicians put on that. I was all fucking I had binoculars everywhere You know I'm saying you're the biggest fan. That's crazy Yeah, you don't know so always go in there with an open eye. You know fucking no, right? Those I was Seeing I saw a clip earlier of this I think I don't was a Richard Pryor documentary or the store documentary and someone was talking about him He did like a set where he pretended that he talked from like the point of view of him being God and Like what he what happened? Have you seen that?

Yeah, I remember I don't remember the footage and I remember the footage I don't remember what came out of his mouth, but he was just saying like each time he was like Where's Jesus and then he finds out that Jesus got? crucified and then he talks goes through like each person like Martin Luther King like a bunch of like the best people and what we did to them and he's like you're on your own and a guy who was being interviewed said like he just left and like people were crying in the audience like it's I just like I've never I've never even seen anything like like all that I see a lot of and I hear a lot of, and I hear a lot of rhetoric about the school. And I hear the genius of Mitzi Shaw.

And I think about me, and let's get to it right now, because you're going to understand now. When you weren't Mitzi's good graces, it could have taken a year to get in there. You keep your nose clean. Remember, I was in that two years and I started dating my wife Right, and she was a waitress So for everybody who's thinking there was a party there

It was a party that I watched because the first people who would find out what a waitresses and they'd run right to my wife Oh, there's no more that nobody remembers. I got I got made a regular at the store in 97 I stayed at the store from 97 to about 98 and a half, and then I had to attack the road. I had holes in my game. When I came back, I met my wife the first fucking week I came back. I came back in like June of 2000, and I met her in July 4th of 2000. So after that, my wife was always there. And the good thing, my wife and I will talk about those times twice a year and she'll go, because she was there on Tuesday nights.

She was there on Wednesday nights. She would make her schedule according to mine. Oh nice. So she worked four nights and I was in town, she'd work the weekends. Then we She would make her schedule quarterly to mine. Nice. She worked four nights and I was in town, she'd work the weekends. Then we'd go home together, we'd stop at Rock and Roll Ralph's. That was the store for me. But what did you think we did in 2000,

when there was 60 people in the audience, you got up at 12. Listen, if there was 60 people in the audience you got up at 12 got to listen if there was 60 people in the audience at midnight in those days Jesus great night back. Yeah, and they've heard everything and got yes some people come in at 8 and leave at 930 and then you get other people coming. It's a continuous show But for the most part, I want you to know if you're going up after 11, assume they've heard everything that happened today. Anything political, anything, you know, any crime, anything anywhere. So now you got to work from somewhere else. And that's what I think people fail to talk about with Mitchie Shaw. There's a difference about doing comedy and there's a difference between finding a home where you could eat a bag of dicks

and it's not gonna matter to mom. You're still gonna be who you are. And that experimentation is what really, it's like that place you find that only does comedy on Fridays after midnight. Right. And they get 13 or 14 people in there. Some of them are high and some of them are sober. You have neglecting bunches they say right now.

Right. And you go on stage and you think they want to hear about you eating somebody's ass or they don't. So you have a couple of premises on paper, you have a couple of fucking closing jokes, in the back of your mind you're going, I'm hoping there's a guy in there with an eye patch. You know what I'm saying? Like you follow what I'm saying?

Like I hope there's a drunk chick, somebody who gets the party started so we get the vocal and now I can work this other stupidity I got in me. And guess what? When you go to work with a little stupidity, you're going to forget it. You're going to have something inside of you. You watch the show. Today I was talking to somebody, he said something stupid and I said, the ring-ging-ging is in

the phone. Just out of nowhere. What is that from? Yeah, the Pink Panther, the first one. Oh, not the one with David Niven. Anyway, you know, he goes, the ring, ghing, ghing is in their phone. You know, that's stupidity to people. Like the guy looked at me like, what are you retarded?

No, no, fucking the pink, bad. I'm cool, you know. And there's nights that that's what you want to do. I'm up there and have a conversation With your uncle who survived the Holocaust as fucking nasty as that sounds It's 12 15 One night you went out you did mushrooms and your uncle came to you live from the Holocaust And you go 20 minutes on that.

Right. You might get a few last, but the next day you're going to gain a strength because you went somewhere. And for me, it wasn't saying Hitler jokes. See, I always made a rule of what I was going to talk about. Abortion always get, you know, I never saw saw I remember being in the audience at an open mic, right? Nobody fucking you just It's a diary of the mouth and then I decided I'm not gonna talk about Hitler

I was in the audience and saw people like do Hitler jokes at that time Oh, you know, I didn't know you I didn't know Ari I just this is how I felt in 1991 you had respect for the Jews It wasn't the respect for the Jews. I just didn't want to part the room. My yeah good point You don't want to part the room You don't want to go up there and say white people even though I could say it now because people understand So I would have to break it down before I break into it. I love white people.

My wife is white. What I'm talking about is you people walk around and tell me how Tesla is going to save the world. And I got nothing to talk about. You know what I'm talking about. But that freedom that you had at the store on a Tuesday night or at any club, this is not about the store. Let's eliminate that word.

When you move here, you're going to do spots at club A, club B, club C. Then there's one club. Not a lot of people go there. But for some reason, they got a late crowd. Is it 2000 people? No, it's 28. But the owner says stretch. The waiter is still the waiters up but he's got a table stretch.

Right. What are you gonna do? You already tried all your material. So the first five minutes you try the material that bombed that Club A and Club B And now you've already on the train or on the walk. You've polished that up and now you just go. Oh Yeah, how long do you think it will take to get like I've never had like a home club a Home club, you know, I don't know You'll know when you get there, you know, it's like You'll know I don't know you'll know when you get there. You know, it's like

I've had like 20 home clubs, but I'm gonna tell you why I tell you this story because All this Jewish stuff started one night at Sal's Club Mm-hmm One night I was at Sal's on like a Thursday night the one on Melrose, right? It was like it was like 35 people in the audience, but the lineup was all Jewish Right and they were saying some fucking crazy things. I Don't know what year this was and I remember going up in the middle. I had a spot somewhere and I had a spot the improv, you know

And I just went up. I did like three jokes. They ate a bag of Dixley. And I just went into why I thought I wanted to be Jewish. And I, it just ripped. Nothing was organized. Nothing was written. I looked at these Jewish comics that night that were there and I'm like, look at this fucking privileged hook face

cop, look at Ari, look at this guy, you know? And then I started to, you know, they were all, some of them were New York, Ari, don't disrespect anybody, this is comedy. And I remember going up there and Ari saying, you gotta say that shit more. I didn't have the balls. It happened that night.

Right. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it happened that night. We'll leave it there. You never tried it and like it didn't work or like you just didn't try it ever again? Like I said, the first eight minutes I was going nowhere. The last whatever it was just me slowing the pace, dropping my guard, taking a deep breath.

At this point they're thinking you're just gonna get off the stage. You've already bombed so hard. Now you gotta take it to the next level. They're gonna hate you, they're gonna hate me. And I'm like, I don't wanna be Cuban no more. Who are heroes? Desi Arnaz and Tony Montana? Fuck that. Oh my God.

Since I'm seven years old. You know that line in Goodfellas? Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to be a gangster. Again, a pause. Ever since I was a little boy, I want to be fucking Jewish and not like these little faggy Jews walking around today. I just attacked that other. Oh, and they loved it. Even the Jews were clapping. They were loving it. And I got on stage and I was like, I'm not going to work ever again in Hollywood. And I got off stage and I was like, woo, I'm not gonna work ever again in Hollywood. And Ari called me that night, he goes, oh my God, the fuck did you write that?

I go, no, I just saw you motherfuckers hanging on a drive. So I figured. That's why, and you just wrote, and how long was the set, like 15 minutes? No, like 12 minutes is just pure. This is God talking to Richard Pry. Wow. What would fucking Netanyahu say to you?

What would the Palestinian leader say to you? What would? And it's gonna make people uncomfortable, but it's you bleeding your heart out. I Don't want a fucking war. I mean, I don't mind smacking a couple you people Just to keep them intrigued But you're really your heart in a different way and bro. That's what growth You want to grow as a comic right is right there. Anybody could do theaters and jump up and down,

but that type of finding, you'll see it, Lee. It might not be a comedy club. It might be a fucking bar. Lower East Side, like the bartender loves you, and he's like, hey, we do, you're bigger than this, but if you ever wanna work on material, come by. We got a nice cheeseburger. It's two blocks from your house. Maybe you know in your house. He's there every night from 1030 on they got steak fries

Jukebox That's all I need. I'm so I'm excited to start a show. I'm like, I'm just excited to like There's my dog Live in New York and shit. Oh yeah it's gonna be amazing. It's and that's what I think you know I made a lot of mistakes in LA but like I'm going to New York like I feel like very focused. If you think you make mistakes look at me. Everyone makes mistakes but. Who gives a fuck? You know from making mistakes is the only way you're gonna learn Yeah, you're not from everything falling on your lap. Oh look at this a deal. Oh look at this a naked woman

You know why not some people it feels like it happens Listen man, we pay for everything. Oh, yeah And that's it. I gotta go. I'm going back to Delaware. Love you buddy. No, I'm not going back to Delaware. Oh, dude. Are you fucking? What's the matter with you? I could sell you anything you fucking jimoke you what's the matter with you? The Academy Awards the Academy Awards What do you got you didn't even tell me your shows coming up What is it? I got very very exciting shows this weekend. Oh my tell me I'm honored to headline Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston

Saturday for you. Oh shit. When did you get this date? Six seven months ago. Okay. I think you got it today. I Know no, I got it. Like I got it a while ago What kind of food Nick Scott? I Don't know if Nick's has Nick's has a great bar. I the bar staff is great. I did it last year I opened up for somebody Now I'm having very cool Rags to riches. I would love that, but no, it's really cool. I'm excited, I'm fucking nervous.

Are you gonna open up? I'm excited, I'm nervous, I know, yeah. Can I record that for the opening? What? You singing that song. Sure, whatever you want. What does it say to you? You better get excited about those four stories. That's what you believe I said about

Shoes the bounce I'm gonna shoes years ago that you go back and forth the moon shoes or something You better go on Amazon see if some guy donated them I'm gonna start keeping an Italian how many times you bring up these and tally of how many times you bring up these fucking stairs. You're trying to make me so scared of the stairs. You don't understand. You don't remember who I am. Right now, I am just a bored old man at home thinking of ways to torment you in New York. Every time I mention the four stories, it's going into your subconscious.

Stop doing that. I don't want to. I hate this apartment. It's a night before you move. I'm not even there yet. A night before you're ready to move. For two nights you're gonna do an edible smoke a joint and you're gonna go home and the whole world's gonna come crashing on you. You're gonna wake up in the middle of the night and go, four fucking stories. I have a hard time going to the bathroom. You're in the restaurant and and the bathroom was far away.

Do you get mad? Yes. Yeah, of course. Who doesn't? Well, I mean, you went far away, but. I went to a great fucking restaurant in whatever, Finn's in Delaware. The bar, the kids, everybody was there, it was cool.

But I had to go up and down the stairs for the bathroom, here's what got better We had one man bathrooms. Oh, no the first night. I'm staying up there I just went out there took my dick out and looked around like I was looking for birds I got me on my hand. I got off And I went, now I'm pissed. I got pee on my hand. I gotta go up, eat the fucking crab cake. It's gonna be a pee crab cake. I go up stairs, I drink another iced tea.

10 minutes, I gotta pee again. I go down, here's an old man with his grandson. That's not gonna work, grandpa. I just went right around him. He's like, where you going? I go, go ahead, take the bathroom. I went out there, took the human egg roll out again. I look for birds on the South side of Delaware now.

I did that like four or five times. But I must've- Why you gonna pee so much? Why? Why you gonna pee so much? Because I'm 61 and everybody, every time I go to the doctor, he tells me I gotta hydrate.

And two minutes later, I'm fucking thirsty and I'm peeing like a fucking guy, you know. Before the show started tonight, I drank a whole water. Okay. I mixed coconut water with ice and put it in a blender to make it smooth. Very nice. You know how I do it. That should listen, green, green tea water and coconut water, fucking

hydrate you the best and liquid IV. But we'll talk about that next week. All right. I love you talk the best. And Liquid IV, but we'll talk about that next week, all right? I love you, talk suckers. Have a great week. Go see Lee Syat, Friday night at Nick's Comedy Stop. In Saturday, but Friday. Get ready for the fourth and third quarter, it's over.

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