Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz is a year away from diapers

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt why he is looking forward to wearing diapers, swallowing 100 sticks of gum in 20 minutes, and one thing Joey wishes he had done that he never got to do during his comedy career. Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Liquid I.V. order. Press in code JOEY at https://www.liquidiv.com Support the show and get 50% off your Diet Smoke order. Just press in code JOEY at https://www.dietsmoke.com Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers get $200 in bonus bets when they bet $5!

Trying to fucking make it work. You know what I'm saying? I'm not the most handsome geezer on the planet, but You know Pimpin eight easy, but it sure is fun. You follow me guys so Let me shut this phone off because now all my fucking friends will call me now I'll get the sudden nerves to think about me at 703. Oh jeopardy's on let me bother uncle joe itself It's 703. Oh jeopardy's on let me bother uncle Joe self Really bother you during during jeopardy too. Oh, I don't watch jeopardy. I get out of the fucking house

Okay, ever I got something to do like I love torture people like I told you I'm too old to fuck around If I call you and you don't pick up the phone and call me back within three or four take a breather. Don't worry about Okay You need to talk it wasn't that important. What do you mean? Don't call me back 18 times, like, and that's what I'll do to you. I'll let you keep calling back and back and back, and you'll lose your mind.

I got like three pigeons, I just call them all the time, and right before they pick up, I hang up, and then all day I gotta fucking call me back, you know what I'm saying? Did they ever leave you messages like why aren't you picking up? What's going on? Yeah, they text, what's going on? I called you I was at work, go back to work, it's over

call me tomorrow now I'm old, I don't have the time for this shit What are you fucking with people on the phone now? You're doing like prank calls I've been doing it for years, it's you know I ain't got time for this shit You're sitting there all day fanning your pussy and you want to call me at eight o'clock to pitch me a show about Martians Oh fuck Go fuck yourself. So all retaliation it has been and it was good for listen. Let me tell you what happens in my world

Nobody knows who I am. Nobody bothers me. Nobody wants to do nothing until I book a date at a ping-pong tournament And then the fucking the hell break loose People want me in their projects that aren't gonna happen. You know i'm saying it's not real projects. It's all air Right good man a long time. I got this room and fucking listen take that room take a picture and keep you You know, I can't do nothing for you Are you not listening to me that I'm not getting on a fucking plane to go anywhere right now? I'm home. Do you have them send you pictures of the room? That would be fantastic Them a bunch. I you know, I put them through the mill. Give me the closest hotel

Churches, you know if you're gonna be that stupid because I've been saying it for years I don't want to get on the fucking plane right now I'll let you know when I want to get on the fucking plane and then you can invite me to your club until then Listen, I don't care if Jesus is there. It's got nothing to do. I'm trying to raise a daughter I got I got a nice schedule here going. I'm trying to get on my health What do I give a fuck about your clothes bouncing? That's great I got a ball that bounces outside, too Yeah, and are you getting like all these offers from like the northwest or like California like places that like

Where you know what and I'm very grateful, but you don't understand. It's like the other day I went to lunch Now I'm not eating like I used to. So I'll eat at eight in the morning or seven with my wife and then I won't touch a meal till three. If anything, I'll do a protein shake to hold me over. But the smoothie shoots me up and now I'm hungry and I'm hungry for a meal. Right.

So it's fucking two o'clock. It's not blind to you. It's 20 to 2 and I got to be home by 2 45 and I got a 15 minute travel window Okay, I gotta get out of there at 2 30 and I don't want to do that I don't want to drive like the cops are chasing me. I want to drive like a normal human. Just give me my fucking food. I Walk in there. There's four people. It's one of my favorite joints now for lunch. Okay. I walk in there, fucking the best chili in the world. I got a bowl of chili and a wedge salad.

That's what I'm down to these days. There's no entree in my lunch anymore. It's an appetizer and a bowl of soup. Not bad. My favorite. I got the wedge with a couple pieces of bacon in there for protein. A blue cheese salad to keep my fucking nuts In fact, you know, I got rashes and shit. It's good. I'm saying I'm sorry. What's good?

I got lost and I got rashes and shit rashes. I got you know, I got fucked up skin. You know I'm saying me too Not as bad as mine. You just sit in the wrong places and get the wrong things I've been sitting in jacuzzi for 30 years Yeah, like asshole on fire. I was doing things in jacuzzi's I can't even talk about you going to jacuzzi and you get fucking ringworm your eyes swells up You have like like six months of your eyes. What happened? Hey shrimp what? Like six months of your ice what happened? Hey shrimp what? And I never had a problem before that it's just like there's something with me I think like I have like them the mush luck around like it's just something about you

Like if I'm gonna see you that I could be fine all week and then that day off trip I'll tell you what it is. You stay there B and B's I'm gonna tell you something right now knock on wood. I've never said in that B and B and I never would know And I'm not asking for like names of anything but like I know you've gone away and like rented houses How do you do? You know how you do it if it's not a really the family itself? Okay? I'm not a big Airbnb guy And I don't trust him. I just don't trust it. There's been too many cases of cameras and just stupidity. You know what? I don't

need the aggravation. I like a hotel anyway. I want to go downstairs and have a cup of coffee and smoke a joint and relax. And when I'm good and ready, I go get my two eggs with my bacon and my home fries and my seven grain toast and you better have seven grain toast. I'm not staying at your hotel ever again. Right. Oh yeah. You know, it's just that simple. I'm to that point in my life. If I got to get up, vacation is not me going and I got to be chef of the future and take garbage out. I'm on vacation.

Okay. I want to take garbage out on vacation I'll call the Hilton and get a job And sweep and stay in the room for free Yeah, or the only garbage you want to take out just put it right outside your door You don't want to have to I hate that when you have to leave the Airbnb. Yeah No, no, they make you do clean up the whole thing. Yeah, what am I a janitor? I paid you money Listen, I'm not gonna paint the walls and shit on the carpet, but things are gonna happen Possibility so pick them up. I'm gonna leave a nice little turd staying in the toilet. That's

Cuz I don't put my dick in the toilet I always push the seat so I always got a little stain of something the other day dog the other night. I got so high I Ate up listen. I'm too old. I don't have time to fuck around with people in my personal life and how I eat. So when I go to Wawa now, my favorite thing at Wawa, I don't get the smoothie no more.

I don't get none of that sugar shit. If I'm sugaring my body, I go for broke. You know the gumballs from with the check, the gumball, the, the, the pop, whatever the fucking lollipop. The frozen thing with the gum, gumball the Whatever the fucking lollipop the frozen thing with the gum ball at the bottom Yeah, but they have like a cherry one a watermelon one a green apple one and something else Okay, I was hooked on those for a while like if I go on a long trip I got it by like three of them at a fucking restaurant and I always stop Selling cruise rest stop and I get like three

or four of them and a coconut little fucking icy that are tremendous. And then on the way back I can't wait to get to Cellier Cruise because they got the fresh ones. Like I got the Arabs up the corner. They got bullpups but them motherfuckers they're like jawbreakers. I'm missing a tooth. I got to go to the dentist because I bought one one day. Solid is the rock of Gibraltar. You gotta sit there. I'm 51. I ain't got time, my jaws ain't that strong. So guess what they make now?

What's that? They just sell you the blow pop that's in it. They eliminated the fucking crust. You don't gotta suck a lollipop. If you're a recovering cocksucker, you're back. You can blow pops again, right? So- Congratulations. So there's no so now you're hooked on these they sell them in the tent the tent pop so it's two cherries two watermelon. Oh, yeah One day you buy a pack open number you go for a ride and you pop one at a time

Not me. I saw I got so involved. I started swallowing Fucking idiot at heart. So after about the 10th one, right? After about the next one I swallowed, I gotta go. No. I eat myself, I go, Joey, I'm not 10 anymore. I can't be swallowing bubblegum. And I didn't eat the last four.

I saved them for the next day and I didn't swallow. But anyway, I had six fucking gumballs And like the next day or the day after I don't know what happened one of those days I was taking shit I don't have my glasses on so I'm hitting the toilet and there's like little skid marks And finally today I go in there with my glasses on there was a gumball in there like the gum came out It was just a little and it was coated with a little brown shit like a little I could have sold it to Krauss's they could have like chewed this gumball you just swallowed it like a pill. One came out I'm all right I'm like I'm like a Colombian waiting I'm like I'm like a Colombian

mule waiting like Michael Chandler till the next gumball comes out you know what I'm like I'm like a blummy and mule waiting like nichol chandler till the next gumball comes out. You know what I'm saying? But that means you didn't chew it that you didn't do anything with it. You didn't even make it to your mouth I'm popping the gumballs and swallow them. They're fucking delicious, right? When I throw a six go with that gumball go What that gum ball go I Only go there like twice a week. That's my cheap like a good night Yeah, but that's 20 things a gum a week that you're swallowing. No, no, no, no, no, no just that particular night Okay, what myself swallowing them because I was so high and I was hungry

You know you get all motion with shit. You like it's when you were a kid you eat those things when your mom beats you up You ever see a sad kid with a fucking gumbo one of those blow pops He just his own alright, you know I'm saying they buy him a blow pop with him. We're gonna get two blow pops. Don't say nothing to mom No, thank God Jesus Christ What can I tell you things happen in my world anyway I love it. I'm just laughing. What do you laugh about? You should have a gumball. Oh tremendous when I was a kid. Nothing came out What my ass like a long piece of double mint gum?

Like a piece of paper is that the problem if you swallow bubble gum your intestine choose it up if you buy that generic Like it's not bubblegum right man door fucking Those things come out of your ass sticky like they're all over the place You want to wipe your ass next thing? We got a spiderweb on your hands Guys it's fucking Wednesday October the 16th, I take who knows Yep

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head over to diet smoke commcom right now. Let's cut it out pressing code joey Joey, why the 50 off your entire order? That's right 50 off your entire order plus that bonus pack of gummies You heard that right get half off your order at diet smoke.com with code joey Get on it. You crazy sick savages you you're gonna love it Let's get this party started. It's a beautiful Wednesday morning. Chichi chichi Turn off your TVs run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you got gonna be thinking. Welcome back to church. Hey. Hey. Hey.

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Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. me there not you know listen I gotta be honest with you like that night I was pretty paranoid because when I was a kid listen from the age of four to 18 I saw I would buy a fucking double pack of what's the fruit gum the fruit something oh the yellow packet no it's got like a bunch of different flavors of fruit in it not juicy fruit No, this ain't juicy fruit the same double mint This is a fucking bubblegum that used to come in a stick and it was like tropical flavors

So let's just pretend you don't know I would inhale a triple pack on a fucking bus From New York's from Jersey in New York City And I'm like I'm made of that's why I always tell people, I'm a billy goat, I can eat any of that shit. Swallow a fucking gum and they end up in the hospital. I was blowing bubbles in my ass in Catholic school. You know what, I always, big red, oh, when I was a kid there was a-

Oh, that can't feel good. Oh, when I was a kid there was was a gum called devil gum red devil gum Okay, but he used to buy it by the box because his family had a deli and he would buy gums and you know I'm enjoy that's in the world was simple enjoy mounds M&Ms and they were all good products in there But it was that good Cuban radiation sugar it kept you bouncing Jack look at these kids today they sugar they get fucking fat

Harded they don't know You know, I Think you don't think they would you would have gotten fat if you had a bunch of candy Well It was a different world because we were outside Lee. That's true. I'm in fences chasing people, playing with a ball. Every kid I hung out with was in good shape. I gained weight when I came back from Catholic school. Which was-

I put on a weight and I couldn't play football and I was so embarrassed because in the fifth grade, when I came back to play football, you had to weigh 125 pounds or less and then the upper league was 135 and they were we packed so I could I was always like 130 131 and I wasn't old enough and then I played a little bit in Union City at the semi pro they called the semi pro was the semi semi pro They didn't give us a dollar. We had to pay the place So they didn't give a shit. We had to pay like three dollars a game for insurance

so What we talking about we were talking about Okay, I had it for a second to say y'all fucked up I can't trust you I Had it for a second Playing football you gain weight when you know we move back after The reason I gained the weight as a kid wasn't candy when I got after school. We all you drank his water all day. I Right into a refrigerator. That was my mother owned the bar and it was three levels of coke and doctor. No coke Coke seven up

There was no sprite nothing like that it was coke seven up and something else she drank Tab tab your tabs. Oh shit tab was like a diet soda. That was fine. This was a lemon in it I drank that shit Yeah, when you ran out of coke, I ain't gonna drink water. I never drank water as a kid Let's get this straight once I left capital school. I didn't drink water till about ten years ago when we started Unlimited soda at the bar. I got a kid that would must have been like the best thing in the world So that my house. Oh, yeah your house to Jesus Christ Oh when you're over you bring the soda home so she would have coke. Listen, real coke, real 7up, real something else.

A tad. And there was something else she bought. I was a Mr. Pibb type of motherfucker. Ah, shit. Because I was a little bit of a hammy. Little did I know it was Dr. Pepper. You know, I was a fucking idiot just like everybody else, right? So and then in the basement was the bottles of soda from the bar. Oh

Nice, but where we for bought cases we got at the bar. We got a case home. I didn't drink that refugee soda But when shit got bad I was down there putting some ice on that and it was all like the regular shit like that Coca-Cola was Cola that 7-up was like Uplift it was called like they couldn't words, but they would twist it and they would deliver like 16 bottles Four bottles in each row and every row had a different flavor, you know, right? That was the name of their seven up pop up.

And you didn't like it either. I hated that. I hated generic soda. Listen, when I was a kid, I was just I love soda. Yeah, I was never going to drink anything else. And then I discovered my buddy. I was in a band in the sixth grade. OK, Ray Cannella, you met him. He came out. Yeah, I love Ray.

Ray had the fucking thing that really cracked me. What's that? As children and as adults, every once in a while you get so caught up in your world, but you taste something that you think you won't like or something, and all of a sudden you just go, it just punches you in the face,

and you're like, Ray Cannella had cool aid, great cool aid, but his mother wouldn't make it with water. She would shoot club soda in it and spin it around for you with fucking thing. I lost my mind. I made my mother buy me 20. I walked around the house like Dean Martin. I sprayed it and cool aid and that didn't help my cause until I really got into basketball. And then I could see the pound shed and I started lifting like pseudo weights and But until and then I went on the iced tea kick You know every around the corner from my basketball. There was those 16 ounces for 35 cents and they were fresh It we bought it from the fucking thing that uh, oh it was real iced tea. It wasn't like in a can

No, it was in a little container, but it was really fresh because we bought it from this is where the guy would steal him for us Like he that's what they delivered them He would put him on trucks to send them to different bodegas So the iced tea for some reason tastes a little better around the corner and the guy charged you like 25 cents instead of 35 Nice basketball and go over there. He would come to the back door and they'd be like 25 cents instead of 35 nice like basketball and go over there he would come to the Back door and they'd be like stolen. He'd give us that a container of milk for your mother, you know, you know the fucking deal So that's awesome No, I can't wait when I'm when I moved to LA that was what cuz I like all the driving cuz like coming from

Boston I was able to not be super fat Cuz I was walking a little bit, but when I moved to LA I would never like it never walk It's really weird how weight gains on you you don't get it and then one day you go what the fuck Yeah, then you have to really because we do a lot as I was just thinking about this how I Went to a kid birthday party last week. Just stopped in, said hello. My daughter hung, my wife hung, very nice people. And they have like a 15-year-old.

And I was watching this kid eat. Holy fuck. We, I'll take anybody to a restaurant, not this fucking kid. I was watching this kid eat. And I'm sitting there holding my head thinking about your mom, my mom, thinking about every mom in America that's single and had to feed us from the age of like 14 to 18. I was watching this kid eat, Lee, for a second I got jealous. Then I don't know how to cry, right? Then I don I got jealous right crying because I was a

killer like that at one time that really bothers you that really bleep it Bob can't you like that anymore oh this kid was throwing down he had one of each who and then he put them all together and then he went back single dishes of everything I counted like nine fucking walks and you know what that was me Nine walks with the dish not like white people with a salad Ha ha ha ha it weighs three ounces this motherfucker was packing two pounds on each dish. This is like a bodega in the ghetto They're gonna get on get like chicken wings or something by the pound and shit. It's tremendous Yeah, this kid was eating Lee. I thought about you. I thought about our parents

I thought about this particular kid that going to his house as a young man one day and his mother saying that I've never seen anything like this and I grew up with three brothers Talking about her son that I was tight with and I go what's it like and she goes it starts with a box of cereal Oh all the eggs all the bacon all the bread the milk He come on. He's going through a gallon of milk a day I'm not saying like there's anything like majorly wrong, but like is there like a medical condition that he doesn't feel full No, it's called my dick is growing my I'm getting Like a fucking animal

Did you have a condition that's called, you know me to the me stop no, but I know a whole box of cereal I don't know Away from the fucking table fat fuck. That's the condition. That's the the problem we you and I both had oh my god dude I was eating peanut butter sandwiches after dinner and I was thinking about the drug growth hormone yeah really big and I'm like this is what we have in us that come on man I used to eat at two in the morning what most people won't eat a day go home go to sleep and wake up like a fucking, like light, like a dove. I'd wake up and you know, like princess, like doves cry. It was fucking amazing.

I have a fucking half a peanut butter and jelly. I'm all over the next morning. Oh yeah, you don't feel, I'm not there yet. You don't feel good if you eat a big meal? That's it, that ship sailed. Oh no. That ship sailed. That ship sailed. you see what I eat for lunch. I have a bowl of chili with eight or nine tortilla chips Okay, it's seven points for the chili. It's beaten beans

There's like four points for 12 tortilla chips And then I throw us a wedge salad and I put the crete the blue cheese on it And I gotta tell you it's one of the best blue cheese I'm scared to go there and all the wings Why you think it's gonna be too good because the blue cheese is so fresh and so good there That I'd fucking hate to go in there and eat the wings. I'd be 400 pounds So what would your lunch would have been ten years ago? Talk how many times we go eat Chinese? Oh, yeah

There was three sets of appetizers two entrees and the Lord of rice and my life No, go with me to eat Chinese now. What do you get now? the of the entree and white rice It's like a shrimp and lobster sauce. And what do you feel like? Like, let's say you tried to eat like you used to, what would you feel like the next day? I just don't feel good. My stomach doesn't feel good.

I don't think my body digested as quick. You know, and this is guys, this is for everybody. The decline started for me about 40 with meat. I noticed meat was not my agreeing with me no diarrhea No Freckles, no, you know in bagel or nothing. I could tell you a bunch of lies But meat was making me sleep weird and wake up. I Don't want to say droggy. I don't want to say like you inedible. It's a complete different flavor. It's a complete different feeling

You just feel overtaken now meat is good to eat and go to sleep Don't get me wrong because it works. That's the only reason why you don't want to eat it Because the protein the higher the protein level the more your body has to work to break it down It burns calories if you eat a steak while you digest it you're actually burning calories So you should eat a stick for lunch is that what you're saying? Well, I'm saying like a steak for dinner or something like that, but a steak at 2 in the fucking morning like I you don't Listen, I'm a disciple of JRE Okay, brother people have no idea what I saw and I'm talking 20 years ago get whatever you want

I'm getting the 24-ounce Tomahawk You want one of those? No, I'm gonna get a tuna fish sandwich. Yeah Yeah, I just got a check from a TV show. Do you want to eat a fucking salad? What do you want to throw down with this, you know, so I? Understand but I'm just letting young guys know look a man. I talked to Italian guys Italian guys my age They don't even eat sauce no more their feet swell up. They got spots like you, you know It's a fucking nightmare I'm not obviously I'm not trying to gain the weight back

But like a little part of me is like should I have just been fat for like a little bit longer? But like what if I'm gonna if I can't eat when I'm older Like I feel bad like not eating that stuff now You don't want to eat that stuff. I'm not going to but it's What you're reading What we're reading in those places now is totally garbage. I don't recommend I've never sat here and said to watch this podcast anybody never I I don't recommend I've never sat here and said to watch this podcast anybody Never I

Watched the Rogan podcast with the surgeon woman and the doctor on there last week. Okay, let's be honest I'd be honest with all you guys. There's no way I'm watching the podcast for an hour I don't even watch this piece of shit podcast past ten minutes. Okay I'm being honest with everybody when I watch somebody's podcast It could be 40 minutes and I've had enough Do you know the Rogan podcast I listen to it till one in the morning three hours two and a half hours straight Well, that's so high. I put it on again and wrote notes And one in the morning you restarted it I didn't go to bed till 2

And one in the morning you restarted it I didn't go to bed till 2 Geez, and what was the name of shit about food and what they're putting in shit? you know No testosterone and men the reason why testosterone is low and guys are dying of heart attacks And it just it was just mind-blowing She went on two rants on there that I had to stop it and go. I know this I was there I think I feel this You know, but anyway this podcast ain't about fat food of dying dieting that you're two fat fucks talking about dieting I just highly recommend that show. How was wise guys in Utah?

Really amazing. It was such a cool cuz like that's one of the ones that all you guys talk about Caitlin Catalina the one girl is very nice there very I'm if I met you I apologize for them But I there was the staff was amazing there. Everyone was super cool there actually What do you say amazing club very cool.. The audiences were very cool. I'm Friday was not my best day Friday I opened up with something too soon and then

The late show Friday I did better but I was proud of myself because This is like and this was had the host name was Trey lamb very funny comic best host I've seen Throughout the country, but he closed was something similar to what I usually open with and I thought like a mess didn't mess me up he didn't do anything wrong, but it I So Saturday, I switched the order of my stuff to something I've never opened with before and it completely worked So like I was because I didn't like I didn't want to bomb it this far this club was like this one more. This is what you learned that Why would you fucking play a high hand where he just mentioned it right? He didn't fuck you up

He got to it first right no he not I told him he not mad at him at all No, no, no, no, and this is what happens. That's a great lesson to learn Because we get too in love with our jokes and we think And you took a chance it went on the other side you will just that you learned you came back For the late show. How was Saturday? Well, that's why I made this switch on Saturday and it amazing shows Then the first Friday shows weren't bad at all

But I just wasn't as happy with what I did on like Saturday was really fun Saturday was great and it's like Salt Lake City was a cool city very like I've never really it was so quiet, dude Everyone was so nice but it was like strange as a city I Really enjoyed myself there the first time Listen when I first when you're a feature act or MC They could send you to the hellhole of the country It's a great time because you're not at home and you're actually doing what you signed up to do

You know later on you get pickier and, man, I almost got stabbed behind that club. Okay, you didn't know, your agent didn't know. That's not the club to book you at when they pay in cash. You know what I'm saying? Right. And it's so exciting. Like, I remember, like sometimes I think of you,

like I still remember going to Houston for the first time to feature for Bobby Slayton. And I was invincible. That night even, I was just invincible. Like it was such a treat. I still remember going with Joe Rogan to Boston to open up. Like I had heard so much about Boston and here I was, you know, and then you're in Milwaukee

and then you go to fucking But the Utah thing was greatly because me and you were working together Mm-hmm and I Met the owner at a Tribble run. This is how life works guys Keith did you get to me Keith? I don't believe he was there that we were saying no because he's got Vegas He's got a bunch of stuff now Keith is the sweetheart of a guy and a fantastic businessman Abby as you've seen. Oh, yeah, it was amazing. He really jumped on the board about eight years ago and how it started was

Because the last time I had heard about Keith was at Doug Stanhope's house in 1999 I I had heard about Keith was at Doug Stanhope's house in 1999. I went to Stanhope's house and there was a letter that he had framed the letter from the city of Utah, the commerce or something like that. But you know, one of those letters we'll have to get Stanhope back on to explain it. Okay. Want them back in the chamber of commerce. Right, okay, gotcha. Chamber of commerce got so many complaints about Doug Stanhope performing there that he just said, I can't have wild backs anymore.

They're just too religious, they're too whatever. So it really kind of, and then I heard he was gonna be somewhere and I said, say hello to him And like two weeks later. He contacted me. We started talking How's it go? And this is like the beginning of the podcast now And about six months later, I did Columbus or something else And we were talking on Facebook

And I go do me a favor pick up your phone call me send me a number And I go Doug what's going on over there? He's like, ah, it's a great club, but I go It's 2000 fucking 11 2012 2013 and you guys are still running around scared Mm-hmm. Like the craziest act he had was was like Lisa lampanelli on like Monday nights hidden Like you know what? I'm like dog. You gotta be kidding me Take a chance Columbus did he goes? Okay, but I'm not gonna pay it's gonna be a complete door deal complete if you bomb it's on you

You don't make a dime the plane ticket comes out of your pocket. I'll cover the whole town. Done. Put the tickets for sale. He put me in a little, in a big room. Okay. He goes, I don't know. I promote differently. I'm not going to promote you in September, but I've got to be in Texas in August. Okay? So when two weeks out the room sold out But by that time he had lost confidence in me and put a bigger act in The bigger room and put me in the small room. Oh shit when I get that a Thursday night

There's people standing outside one guy with a bomb that I saw visibly And I go wait a second. Where am I Utah Salt Lake? There's a guy one guy with a bomb that I saw visibly And I go wait a second. Where am I utah salt lake? There's a guy out there with a bomb And then afterward he had a pound of weed they had edibles. This was not what you Thought about about you You know, I would watch these shows and see this but I knew they did the festival there On the film festival sunday, so I knew something had to be happening there enough for being scared and dog You know next you know, I tell booked it a bunch of a started book and I went back like three or four times

It's a friday and saturday, right? You're not gonna sell a ticket there on a sunday I don't care. They had to shut down a ufc one time on a sunday Really? He six they old six tickets on a Sunday She's a UFC About holy shit About ten years ago. Yeah, I They didn't have a Sunday show, but I think they might have Thursday shows and they have but they that small room is pretty cool I guess that's a perfect room

But the big one was great too, but and now he's got Vegas. He's got something else. He's got one in the valley I don't know. I have to go on the website. Yeah, he does a great job He really jumped on the wagon with the future of comedy instead of running around scared So I give I give him props for that and I'm happy his club is fucking moving And if I ever go out there, I'll jump off the helicopter and go see my boy whether it's Vegas or whatever, you know, but right now I'm just focused on Thanksgiving Tomorrow city winery tickets go on sale for November 12. I got a Tuesday night in the city I don't know if you're in town

and Just get my shit together Lee little by little I feel good Everything is good. My ears still fucked up. I'll find out about the cancer Fucking this week. They just took a ball out to see what the fuck it was You don't tell people shit. Why would I tell you? I don't want to depress know what I'm supposed to be bringing your joy We're want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed.

I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I went to wipe my muffler and it was a little soggy and there was a little ball Then I go what maybe that was a piece of blue cheese or something now

It was the bubble gum so my intestines are working. That's What It didn't bother me I just wrote it off at least it came out. There was no blood on it There's nothing to worry about maybe sometimes you sneeze a little something comes out. You don't know But I didn't know come up was like and to be honest I think I went to sit down and couldn't poop and I just did a wipe and I go what the fuck is this? And it was just little Hey, I'm 61. I'm a year away from diapers. I'm proud. I can fuck is this? And it was just a little surprise. It's the, hey, I'm 61.

I'm a year away from diapers. I'm proud. I can't wait to wear diapers and just rip them off. You're not gonna wear a diaper. You bet your fucking ass. At 63? Well, I don't know. I still, I'm just getting to the point.

I'm sick of changing underwears. And I just wanna rip the diaper off and rinse like a fucking dog and come out I gotta get like one of those wheelchair showers Like the dick area just to shower at the same time That's why I always like going Las Vegas because you got showers pointing at you from all angles It's like a fucking camera. You could put one for your armpit Sometimes you left armpit smells and you're right armpits cool. I don't know what it is something biological

Because it's lower that chef If you're like a wheelchair like a wheelchair accessible, you're like a part-time midget You've been knocked on the, they got the fucking peephole, you go to Ben Dover, you throw your back out before the show, like why am I there? And they tell you we were sold out, that's the only room we have. Then you go in the shower and they got a bunch of straps and shit. You ever go into one of those showers, they got straps. So the person can launch themselves and sit. Now you're looking around because you think they're trying to cripple you too.

Maybe they let the pimp, a thing of soap on the ground. Next thing you know, you're crying like Uncle Junior. And you break your fucking hip. You know how scared I am I'm gonna break my hip? I take a shower now with like a fucking, with like a fucking thing on. You know those little things I stole it from Mercy? What, like the little thing,

what are the beach, like a preserver? Yeah, cause if I fall I'll just bounce. I ain't stupid, I'm smart. I don't think I've ever told anybody this. I have a joke about it, but I'm not gonna do the joke, I promise. Josh Wolf. I know, always puts you in the fucking

Handicap room. Yeah, that's that's what you do to begin is Andy room put him in the magicians room. Give me the room though with a guy committed suicide Put him in there and put a noose under the bed. So he just Fucking one of them and I didn't know like the the toilet seat was raised. Oh, it was the highest fucking one of them. And I didn't know like the toilet seat was raised. Oh yeah. Like I pissed, like I pissed my pants. It just like, I was taking a shit and going pee and it just went right,

cause it was like a super raised seat. So yeah, like now every week it's a, is that what people do? Have you, do you ever fuck with your features like that? With you yeah, cuz you know you deserve it, but nobody else you know nobody It's funny look at that toilet, and you can see a chubby dude Scoot on to the toilet, and he's got a look at it and think about it. He's got a shit He's got anxiety and also he's like push me over push me over

He's got a shit and he's got anxiety and also he's like push me over push me over He's got a little jump Yes, thank God How is that fat dude anyway Speaking of fat dudes. I take a fucking a little commercial break I'm gonna talk to you about DraftKings and what's going on over there. I'll see you in two minutes cocksuckers Listen up guy. Uncle Joey here. It's time for you to do a little touchdown because Draft King sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the NFL is here to get you in on the action this football season If you haven't done it yet, it's time to get on and I'm gonna tell you why because a lot of things are happening

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He should have been drafted enough go to draft Kings download the app and let's see if you know what you're really talking about All right, but while you're there have a fantastic time only on draft Kings where the crown is yours That's code Joey download the draft Kingsport the book app right now. All right, let's get back to the show before these Malukia things wear on. Please play responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus beds expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co.fdball. We're back, Jack. Listen, you guys know I'm a Cuban Jew and I can't tell you something. I didn't even have to go on the computer. Once I'm off camera, everything comes back to me, Lee.

We were talking about that bubble gum. I got an interesting story. It's called Fruit Stripe. And it was 99 slices in a pack. I would put three in my mouth at a time. Like I would take, like remember, the whole pack is different flavors. The thing was a zebra with different stripes.

I would take the three grape ones, open them up. They had like riddles in there. I don't read no riddles All right The banana ones and the cherry ones and the blueberry ones and I eat the whole fucking thing And then I end up in the city bar tonight. I'll never forget I was eating all those fucking gums and about an hour late. I drank club soda I was a big fan club soda dude and did something to my stomach and I started farting and it smelled like every piece of fruit in that fucking package Like I smelled like a cherry fart that I smelled like a lemony fart. I'm like fucking fruit strike. That was it

well guys cuz you know one part we didn't mention is we were talking about it and then You were eating this a hundred stick pack of gum and a 20 minute bus ride from New Jersey to New York. This wasn't like a day. This wasn't over a week. This was in 20 minutes and you're just shuffling down gum. And I would stop at Port Authority and get my hot dog with onions, get one of those fucking sticks, one of those, what do you call that? Ha-now sticks, ha-wow, and I get like a Coke, and once I inhale that, I'd walk to work on 54th Street inhaling three at a time, just littering the streets

like the mayor, just like fucking who cares, three at a time, but the time I got to work, all the gum was done. But I thought you were telling me that you after you ate a hundred pieces of gum Then you ate a hot dog with extra onions. No New York I always made the left and I went to the corner around 40 seconds I walked out into the beautiful Sun. Thank you Lord for getting me into the city now. Don't get me stabbed I go to the corner and I get my hot dog. Maybe two a

pinch Oh a steak on a stick to how I on the stick with Italian bread And then the guys got the Frank's hot sauce you put it on that meat listen Let me explain something to you when you're broke and You're young and you're optimistic That's a meal I knew I was eating a cat or a dog or a lamb I knew it You know, you know it was for lambs. Okay, though Not bloody it was like lamb mixed with something else. It's not like the lamb you get it like the restaurant where it comes on a hoof

I'm lamb from fucking God knows where somebody's yard they just hunted him down in the middle of night in Brooklyn and Chopped them up. They married him and it's not bad. Like I don't I've never shit blood from those bean chumps That's good to know I'm gonna go. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. We can't talk about it.

We can cut it if you want. Can we talk about that cool new bong you got? Yes. I can even show it to them. But then they'll cut it. Can we talk about it or you don't even talk about it? I'll talk about it to you.

Listen. It's called the So then they'll come oh, yeah, you know by right can we talk about or you don't even talk about? I'll talk about it to you Listen is It's called the hotachi whatever right? I don't fucking know And because guys he just was calling me when I was on the road this week and It was just like it sounds like the coolest bong ever. We can't show it, but it just sounded super cool. Like it was like, I've never even. This is it right here.

The hotoke. And you hit it five times, one, two, three, four, five. It turns blue and then you adjust the lighting for the lasers, but here's the biggie of it. Here's what makes you feel like a doctor, okay? you can just turn it off. It turns blue and then you adjust the lighting for the lasers but here's the biggie of it. Here's what makes you feel like a

doctor. Okay? That You can just sit there. Keep pressing this button. You You can't make out a long hose. Oh, it's a hose You could you could you could zap yourself to death it's uh Like a red light now listen I'm honest with you guys Because you know, i'm a consumer just like you Friday because I got it like last week in the mail but I opened it up and I knew I just don't have the

brains to even know what that is and then I sat there another day like let me open it and check it out and read the instructions Yeah, you know I'm no Yeah, listen it's not gonna work out for me I already know I'm gonna have to involve my wife and what my wife She's that whole she's gonna like it. She means just like fucking the harem down here She don't want to see a hose or a blowtorch She's still from Tennessee and she's a Christian a hose or a blow torch. She's still from Tennessee and she's a Christian. She understands I go outside and I do what I have to do. From time to time, I'm a little edible. But once she sees a hose, it scares her.

Right. Yeah. It's fair. You know, my wife don't like fire. My wife don't like hoses. You know what I'm saying? I had no idea about either of those things. Well, now you know, okay? So, the first time I did it, guys, I did it just to the tee. I plugged it in for an hour and 45. I left it in there for like three hours. Why fuck around? It was ready to go. I filled the water, I cut it,

I put it in a little compartment, and I hit it, and I kept hitting it. You know, you don't meet dog. I'm a gorilla and it's little bits and it's cleaner. Like it doesn't smell and I'm burning and I'm hitting and I'm hitting them in. I went in the shower. Okay. So I went upstairs, took my clothes off and went in the shower. Okay. So I went upstairs, took my clothes off, and went in the shower, because I had to go somewhere. Do you know why I was shaving?

I cut myself under here. Oh no. Scared, while I was shaving that night. It's a little cut right here. Okay. And when I went to wipe my face, I saw blood on my hand and I didn't faint. Whatever high this gave me the first time

took it to a different level. Listen to me, I started sweating in the shower profusely. Oh no. Yeah, it was one of those highs. I had to come out a shower dry myself off And I was still sweating. I just stood there and I felt like I couldn't even breathe I was very euphoric, but at the same time and it just attacked my central nervous system. I was fucked up Jack And I brushed my teeth. I did what I had to do

Underwear's on I put my rash cream on and then I realized how fucking high I was. So, what do you think I did? Bring another bomb here. With out of respect for Yom Kippur, I sat there, but this time I put like moon rocks in it, and Kayser-Rosserab dust, and the whole fucking thing. And I hit it like three times, Lee, I had to get in the car and get out of here I had to leave with the inhaler. I was inhaling all the way

What we driving away Because I couldn't sit here anymore like the walls walls were, I sit alone in my fourth-starred room staring at candles. At night I can't sleep. I toss and turn, candlesticks in the dark. This is a body being burned. Four walls just staring at a brother. That's what I feel like, okay?

Okay. So once you start hearing that song, this time, no. Okay. All right. Once you start hearing that song, it's time. No, I sit alone. I sit alone in my something room staring at candles. Then the music comes in. At night, I can't sleep. I tossed and turned. Candle sticks in the dark. Visions of body being burned four walls just staring at a brother that's the ghetto boys out of Houston, Texas I wonder if we're gonna get flags for that what's that brother no I sang a song like I just pretty good with me yeah if I fucking put, if I brought the whole band in here and did a fucking thing, then we're no danger.

But I just did four songs, you know. What are you gonna do? I think we'll be okay. Yeah. But I'm feeling good. Where are you this weekend? You're always somewhere. You're the man, you got the pad New York to be somewhere.

Thank God nobody gets your address. Thank God I was a thief when I got, because if I listen nobody gets the address that guy I was a thief when I go because if I listen to podcasts listen if I was a thief All these comics would be gone Rob you're telling me where you're going Family I know about the dog. I know how to poison them, you know the whole thing Why I don't have my schedule next that the end of this year's and will thankfully got busy this Thursday I'm with Jim Florentine. What's that? 100 see yes, I did what do you mean? This has to end I

Pulled the mushrooms out of the freezer the guy sent me a warning That people that eat these mushrooms hair starts growing so that's good. You need a couple strands Oh good, we'll grow it out and put like a little dragon on there like a little cream donut Why would I want a few strands to come out that long? What's that? Why would I why would I let a few that looks terrible a? Few strands that just get super long yeah like a fucking Chinese guy will pull a little thing you call yourself Japanese Jew whatever something a twist you know very nice door guy who has that in at the store well that's okay but he's like from Cambodia or something like that. So it don't count

My god, those mushrooms are fucking scary as shit those what those mushrooms sound scary But let me just I'm with Jim Florentine. You love Jim Florentine this Thursday laugh boss I went to his fucking nieine. You love Jim Florentine this Thursday. I laugh boss Jim I went to his fucking nieces. I love his dog. I Love the Jim Florentine fan. Yeah brothers like my I talked to them on the side. I talked to Jimmy I talked to the one brother. He's my fucking attorney, you know, the other guy's my Bitcoin The other guy's my fucking realtor information. They're tremendous. That's the crime family You don't have to pitch me on Jimmy and his fan

When I when I ship item I feel like family like they're my family One of the best families ever ever four years later still love him more than when I met him four years ago Oh, he's been great to me. This is It's a fucking Always been great to me. This is the second time I vote it's a fucking It's just something different what they have and I'm happy to be you know that they invite me to their functions. I Gotta go to the Halloween party where you dress up as a dead celebrity Who are you gonna be you don't want to know anyway?

Okay, I'm gonna be the prime minister of fucking the one that the the the the the the the the the

the the I'm not gonna fry me. And there's gonna be a lot of young kids there. So I'm gonna let them eat their mush and just put them at the shop when they see me done. Holy shit, I would love to see a picture of that. Why am I going Netanyahu on New Year's Eve? You know what I'm saying? There's Netanyahu and there's Netanyahu on Yom Kippur, two different animals

He's looking for an optimistic Leah. You know, he had a good new year's but anyway, we won't get into that There's a lot of political activists that watch the podcast. Oh, yeah Thank God. I've been called a Zionist and shit. I don't know even know what it means. Just leave me alone I'm just trying to make stupid jokes here people listen you need to read the chorus I don't need to read nothing. All right, leave me alone. This is just a joke. It's Saturday, you know We'll take the day off from saving the world, what's the big deal? All right, it's fucking Saturday. I'm at the gym I'm getting high. I'm on the bike Doing hit to work out doing like 30 seconds at 10 and I lost what I'm at the gym. I'm getting high. I'm on the bike doing hit to work out doing like 30 seconds at 10 And I lost what I'm thinking about. I'm what no CNN was on on the TV

And I see that he bombed whatever 11 anyone after I ran And I'm like, wait a second. It was just young Kapoor. Now again, that doesn't surprise me I'm saying they thought they'd be jumping up and down down down down down We're still gonna keep you at bay, even though whatever the Jewish slaves. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know We're great, but so In my mind there was a couple Jewish people at the gym I said I go Netanyahu Knows how to get the party started What the gym I said I go man. Yeah

Knows how to get the party started Jim I just got fired up at the gym, you know me you smoke a joint next thing You know, you try to deadlift 300 pounds and you remember you're fucking a fat fuck. What am I doing? I'm going back to the bicycle. I'm gonna go for 30 seconds. You know I'm saying you over there and hide in the corner we friend Such an in the corner. Were you friends with the Jewish people or these? I'm such an advocate of working the fuck out. Because once you become a feature headliner, and Lee, I love what you do, the walks, but you gotta be high on those walks and put music on to open up everything. You're thinking of comedy now.

When I go to the gym, I put the earphones on, not because I'm arrogant. There's some days like Saturday, I went in there with earphones. That was the first time in like two weeks. You know, but there's a lot of people who wear the earbuds. I don't want to be that guy. So I just keep it light on the bike.

You can't do the exercises I do with the thing on. You're swinging kettlebells, the thing flies off your head and my ears are shaped weird I got beautiful fucking the movie a part somebody sent me. I can't put it in my ear, you know, I Gotta put it. I don't know what they're gonna do. I don't know if they're gonna replace the ear or put a fake fucking Whatever. I didn't worry about I'm 61. What do I need an ear for? You know what, enough is enough. You know, take the fucking thing out, put a little tube in there. I don't care what you put in there anymore.

I'm down to one ear and I can't wait till that one goes so I can just nod for real. Like that's when I get the sign. Don't talk to me, I'm deaf. It's over, okay? If you don't know sign language, give it a break. Wait, what does that mean? That's a flying asshole, see?

But wait. What? Instead of just like getting rid of your ear, why not just like get the sign and say, don't talk to me, I'm deaf. Like you could just pretend to be deaf. That's not fair That's anti-american. That's like telling people you were in the Marines and you weren't

You can't do people why there's good American people when I'm deaf. I'll let you know and trust me I'm gonna be really fucking proud Cuz I'm gonna get that's the time when you let people go. You see somebody like, anything bothering you? Yeah, here, do three lines of Coke. They go for 45 minutes and they're like, what do I do? I have no idea. I didn't hear anything you said. But why'd you listen?

Because I got nowhere else to be. I'm 68 years old. I might as well sit here and look at your face. Oh my God. And there's a can't over your fucking eyelash. I don't know Jesus Joey, I like it sounds like you're looking forward to being deaf. I Didn't say that but I can't worry about my ear no more. It's been driving me fucking crazy Three doctors. I don't know how many antibiotics they listen and I know I got jungle rut I don't know how many antibiotics they listen and I know I got jungle rot

Yeah, I told you I got rashers So when I scratch this one this one mixes with this one you mix in the full tongue is the the toe God knows what type of explosion I'm causing this could be like skin warfare They could take this great this off me and put it in fucking chemicals and send it to people and next thing the Wings and taking antibiotics and going all this will be fine in two weeks I don't have to walk around like I fucking survived an assassination And then two weeks later it goes away then a week later. She called me and all there's something there I've been telling you that lady This has been For anybody who's involved with medical right now Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ they just send you on the go

To they gave me a tube for the fucker one rash Well, it ran out or the rash got stronger. I called a doctor. It took a week to get the fucking two tubes We have to go on the computer you remember the name of it. Yeah, it's right here in my brain No, I don't know the fucking name of it. We have to go on the computer. You remember the name of it? Yeah, it's right here in my brain. No, I don't know the fucking name of it. It's got like 16 letters in it. I don't know. You know, what you bought? It's got 16 letters.

I got no glasses to read all those letters. So. So, oh my god, like so. I'm only laughing because it's like 100% accurate. Like, I can just imagine your doctor asking you what you've done, a pharmacist, and you're saying this to somebody. Listen, let me explain something to you.

I go to the doctor and they just, it's like abuse. Who's abusing who? because you go in there first And I fuck with them, you know, I do 90 on the way down there I cut people off So when I walk in there my blood pressure's high I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know you So does your doctor know did you take the medication I just toy with Yeah, and then they're like, okay, we got to check some do you still weigh 380 pounds? No 520, you know Do I look fucking you just weighed me and it said to fucking 65. Why are you at? It's unbelievable. These

are the people in charge. Then they start I go in there by myself. I got glasses on. Then they start with the creepy questions. Are you we're gonna ask you some questions. Are you still on this medication and this man and after like 20 minutes I just yes, I'm a dad. I don't even know what they're talking about. And then after they start really getting technical I go timeout. I-hmm. I go my wife in here Don't ask me no questions If my wife Don't ask me what I took this morning. I don't even know what I took this morning

My wife has six things I take them with her we put them containers. I trust it I don't know what the fuck's in there. My wife could kill me for all I know I don't give a fuck So what you like it's just like those prepackaged things you just bring it on the road if you ever Containers so I'll take one a day and one at night and then I have a little thing for my thyroid and then anything else on the counter for fucking penicillin or antibiotic or, you know, formaldehyde pill, who the fuck knows? Well, hopefully it'll be over soon. You said you're gonna get results back soon?

What is it? Come again, I can't hear. I said I hope you get like it's over soon. Well, you know, bro, it's irritating. It's been like, she asked me to describe and it's like having a needle that broke in between two pieces of meat. And every time you talk, it moves.

Oh, and it hurts every time you move. Oh my God. And I know that when they go in there, it's gonna be a little ball the size of a fucking pin That's what caused all this It's something in there that just but anyway, let's not even wipe the press to people who want to roll here Okay, and I think they like to hear about but okay dude

Well, I had like have you ever had anybody like Get a little bit too handsy after the show like and like not like nothing like to call the cops about but just like this dude like starts like Like an extra hug on me like kiss me on the head like on it's like I have never really experienced that stuff Did you like it? No, I he was a nice dude. He but it was just like, I never experienced that

something. No, nobody does until you swap. You know, if you don't know, he didn't try to kiss me. He, what did he kiss you? No, he just kissed me on like the the top of my head. Now, he's scratching lips. You know what I'm saying? He

probably got one of those spotty rashes rashes from he's at home right now Watch I'd be pissed scratching his lips putting fucking Whatever they put on their lips We're trying my lips listen you and your mom sucked a thousand dicks now you're thinking of moisturizing forget it Oh, I had no idea. Well, like and my mom would kill me. She's heard that I said that but like I had no idea what like and my mom would kill me if she's heard that I said that but like Most of my like spots have gone away and then they well and they do come back But if I like actually wash my face with like a cleanser and then put lotion on And most of them go like do you ever do that? I can't imagine you washing your face. I

Was twice a day really I have a product a product on a piece of paper, like a cotton. Okay. And to me, it's a prescription. And I rub that in and my blackheads are lighter. I don't have that thing anymore on my skin. I've been moisturizing, you know, yeah, I said, bro, I never did this shit all my life life and now There's days I touch my skin. I think it's somebody else's I mean Guys, I love everybody here, but things are gonna change that you can't even foresee Like from the middle of my knee look at your kneecaps right now go 14 inches it it's your groin area. And do a circle around that area to your belly button.

At this age, I don't even know who that belongs to anymore. Took my old piece off and put an old piece on. It's not that it looks old, it just looks rugged. It changed colors. Like I have like dark skin skin like my balls have become Like like the sweatshirt like not blue, but like black like that hat really Everything has just gotten like a darker color like the elbow skin. I wouldn't even recognize them anymore I've been rubbing Malukia cream down there. You know you don't want to walk away go to a pool

I already have problems with my nutsack shorts and whatnot I had no idea that's dude. That's why I said to you guys preparing it to what you're gonna see don't panic You know you have to pick your decision You have to pick your diseases don't worry about a fucking rash on your knee when you got cancer growing in your ass You're worrying about the wrong rash on your knee when you got cancer growing in your **** You're worrying about the

wrong thing. Go get your prostate checked. I hate doing it but you gotta play in the band from time to time. You gotta look the other way. You know, these are the things that are probably gonna save you and now at this age, I would never

tell people to do this **** now. I ain't got the time you motherfuckers got so So Wednesday night you're opening up the Jimmy bangs up there Thursday and then Friday Saturday you're up there working as Roar I in Springfield, Massachusetts. I'll be at Roar Friday and Saturday night Roar Roar yes, sir in the MGM Springfield. It's a great club. I'm very excited Congratulations Tarzan time buddy When will you be in New York right now people are picking up your kitchen appliances? Oh, dude. It's crazy

It's it's right now, and I'm blessed like I'm I have a great the week after that I'm in at the Comedy Works in Denver with Josh wolf I have a lot of great like weeks coming up But at starting next year when I maybe try to limit it to like two a month some here Yeah, you gotta you move to New York to become the king of New York Yeah, you know a hundred percent I haven't gotten to do as much as I've been wanting to do in New York But I have some lined up that I'm pretty I'm excited about and

But it's definitely to my I'm just never here Yeah, that's not so that that's gonna change. I just had stuff lined up before I moved here and then So like it's that's a weird place to be in because I don't I'm just gonna have to start prioritizing certain Weekends took it like open up for Josh. Like those are the most important ones But you also want to work on your own to establish yourself at the same time so I get it The problem is you're in a tight corner And you know, I told you this once before on the move from seattle to los angeles

in 1997 It took it was supposed to take three days Lee but the axle fell off the fucking trailer so we spent the week in San Francisco thank God we were pulling the car why why why thank God because that car got me around San Francisco got it, okay So instead of panicking that Sunday night, we woke up on a Monday and San Francisco And there was a kid from Seattle that lived in San Francisco and he would come up to Seattle And visit his parents and come to the club and talk to me all the time. Very nice kid I do not remember what his name is. We lost contact like in 2000. At this time I was not at the store.

I was about to move to LA to shoot a pilot and we were stuck. So I'm not gonna sit in the fucking room with this broad. I called him and he goes, come on, I'll pick you up. And he picked me up or I followed him and I went to a Club on a Monday night. They wouldn't let me out at Cobbs. The guy was snotty and The guy was a prick to him. So we went somewhere else

And that was fucking great. It was like a diner on hate Ashbury Nice people in there. You got 10 or 12 minutes. That was great. But then Tuesday was like those clubs up there. Roaster Tea Feathers. There was another big club up there at the time that closed down. I forget what the name was. And there's another club that's still up there that was still open. Plus John Fox had a lot of clubs at that time. So I pretty much did two spots tonight till Sunday morning perfect but sadly I went into a club Tommy T's oh okay yeah yeah I heard that I wanted to Tommy T's at that time Tommy T's was bringing heat up there it was a different booker I don't know what was going on and I was supposed to feature for

The black girl from sign that live who was pretty funny at the time. Don't ask me her name Okay, and I remember I moved to LA and everybody said you're not gonna be anything in until six months So go on the road, but whoops Mitchie called, you know Scott day and Next thing, you know, I'm on the stage on a Sunday night. I got a call back and that Sunday I got made And I'll never forget going outside and going bro, I got Wednesday Thursday Friday and Saturday at Tommy T's and Like all four of the people out there go cancel it and I go why and they're like you just got made people out there go cancel it. And I go, why?

And they're like, you just got made. Yeah. You go home tonight and you call in for seven spots this week. And from there on for the next six months, you call in seven nights a week, coast to coast, until you build that bond with her and she gets to see you. Right. That's why you moved to LA It wasn't why I moved to LA. I moved to LA to fucking do a pilot and I

What fucking comedy store comedy store was not my future. It wasn't even on my fucking radar. I thought it was okay No, no, it was something that I had I Never worked for it There's something that I had, I never worked for it. I'm not gonna lie to you, I just went to LA. I just went to LA to shoot a pilot and I was gonna give it a shot. And if everything failed, I was gonna do things, stupid things, and I thank God,

till today none of that stuff went down. But when I got to LA, I got the opportunity to showcase. She made me a regular and I'll never forget, it was a Sunday night. on my birthday me walking outside There was like Eddie Griffin Paul Mooney Rogan and somebody else and I'm like I gotta do this room though. You had a line you make a big money I'm one. No, they're like then Cancel that motherfucker tomorrow

You're gonna sit tight. That's what I did and once she started giving me five six spots a week And then I took a bombing like three bombings in a row One somewhere else I was like that's it. I'm going back on the road because I got LA anized Really started getting cute. Okay. I said fuck and let's go back to the nitty-gritty. Let's go to Michigan Let's go to Florida. Let's go to Texas not Houston Let's go to the rough towns. You know what I'm saying where guys ride cowboys and you ride horses and shit for a living I and I would love to do because we were driving around myself like city and we went to Idaho And I would love to do, because we were driving around like Salt Lake City and we went to Idaho, like it'd be really cool to do like at some point, like not,

not like a week's long, but like maybe five, six days, like just do it, run, and drive like five, six hours a day. I do a tour in that area of the country. When I wrote the book, I was making notes. And I'll never forget hearing the story and always wanting to do it in comedy. And I never got to do it and I wish that I didn't get into the comedy store at that time because this was my next move and it would have worked late.

And a lot of comics have tried it, but every comic who did it tried to monetize it And you don't do this to monetize you do this to monetize it later And what my plan was for me to come to you not at this point in my life But if you meet a comedian that you really like Somebody you frickin frack with and I'd say there's a female comic

which is buck wild you don't want to sleep on it you just know that at some point she's just gonna get off this car out of this car you're never gonna see her again for about a year and she's gonna come back funny you know you just have to go out there with that outlook right let yourself a little

van this is the biggest investment you can make He's gonna come back funny, you know, you just have to go out there with that outlook Right let yourself a little van There's the biggest investment you can make And go on an eight week eight week eight week coast to coast Now you can't do it in the summer but you can Because the clubs are dead and they'll let you come in right so you got to go to a city where there's two different comedy clubs so you could do a spot and those other driving does a spot oh do you each do separate shows like book the same clubs the same book it nobody's gonna hire you what you're

gonna do is you're gonna schedule a showcase run. It all comes out of your pocket. The only way you monetize is on the days off when you do crappy one-nighters for the local promoters. Right, but you're going to the club to show this. I think I'll put my name of state in there so people don't get me wrong. You gotta go to a state, see who the bookers are

of these little rooms that you like. Right. That nobody knows who you are, and they got like a fountain, see who the bookers are, of these little rooms that you like. Right. That nobody knows who you are, and they got like a fountain of chocolate in the front. You know. Perfect. The club is 64.95 for two, and they give you a banquet. There's tons of those still left. And you pay for those, this finance with this money

that you make on two one-nighters. You know that John Yoder still books Michigan so Michigan would be in your in your thing because he don't mind booking you in a d-room and a fucking uh where they you know they have boats what do you call those like a boating club okay when I was young I did like two of those fucking three of those boating clubs for treble one I remember remember had like it was the winter time and they have like a two thing and the thing was twisted with ice under It and I'm on stage like eight people. They all got scarves on you know, this is this is what it is Right. My dream basically was to go on the road with somebody I like it was a story when I got to Seattle and Mitch Hedberg got in the Volkswagen van

With charred Hogan and they drove across the country and just did showcases And when they came back they came back with 20 weeks and all the best fucking clubs in the country And that's how they started their career and they had a good time. They did acid they fucking you know, and they just went nuts Comics heard of the idea and started getting sponsors and trying to do it that way. You know, it was comics that don't draw, trying to go into a club and mack them.

And that'll work at those littler clubs. You're not gonna go into the Atlanta punch line with four bums on a Wednesday night expect to get on right? You know I'm saying it's just not realistic But and then do it one time Get your names out give away cards would have your YouTube channel and now you replenish that YouTube channel This is way before YouTube. I wasn't even thinking about YouTube I know I would do it now if I was 25 no responsibilities Like getting high love comedy and trying to figure out a direction. Well, nobody books me. Well, nobody's gonna book you

If you're in here and set out tapes these guys get a million tapes a week. Sorry See you got to work outside the box. What's the next big thing show up? That's what the devil would do, right? The reason I like that I was gonna go with like a small RV was because like, you know the club might That's too much of an investment and you you don't want to do that you want to keep it low-budget So you always remember when you got that flat in that fucking van 20 minutes before that gig. I want you to remember how there wasn't a hotel room. There was just one hotel room and both of you just had to sleep in it, which is the plan. You're only sleeping in the hotel room for the night. Unless one of you brings a girl or one of you is Richard Gere or fucking the strip club guy, you know

You don't you go in there to do comedy Right and you just make it work. You're not gonna go on the road like Keith Richards and Mick Jagger That's too much. You want to keep the investment low Be able to eat better Did the motel six kill you two weeks ago? No, it didn't I didn't get in the hotel no it didn't Right now you're not a man in that position to drop 400 a night cuz that's what these hotels are Tell me about it dude. Not budgeting shit has to be tight. You gotta get a vehicle. That's Economical it can't break down. You gotta get a warranty on it

Dude, you're my my that's the only thing that's fucked up is like I have a car for another two years Well, then you don't need well then take that and blow it up and let it get stolen in Pittsburgh somewhere They put them to my head, you know to tell you I Wish they they wanted 12 grand to take it back early. So like they're killing people now killing people Killing the man. You got a car You got a strong hold on it and good luck trying to get a new car because the finance alone will set you back Oh, dude Craziest thing thank God it slowed down and used car prices went down a little bit

And hopefully your uncle Tony's dying And he'll leave you his fucking 1985 Volkswagen Hopefully he's dying. Yeah, you know, this is the only way you're gonna get a car now now when you die You gotta leave cars to people because how they gonna get them I'm gonna start $15 a car. So when I die, that's what everybody's getting. A $1,500 car. It'll get you to and from. Does the air conditioner work? Who knows?

Improvise, cocksucker. Where you gonna put all these cars? Get a fan and an ice cube. I don't know what you need to do. Right? Right. Right. Right.

When I go into the grandpa sling, that means the show is coming to an end No, I went back and it actually bounced off the top of the counter Some of it came into my nose, but it splattered and went into the microphone I gotta wipe the screen off later got dark Oh, this is that you know saying I gotta study that stop eating that bubblegum Off Jesus Christ. I can't imagine. I love you buddy Don't forget Wednesday night. I'm at the dojo with my man Paul V and a lot of other funny characters Aaron Berg and Danny Braff and

Victor Dorman and then Thursday tickets go on sale at New York City winery calm. It's a small place guys It's a Tuesday night. Don't lose your mind. I have you out of there by 10 o'clock You'll be home nappy noodle or talking to your girl about your feelings by midnight And or 1130 you'll about your feelings by midnight and Or 1130 you'll be in bed by midnight if you work, right? So that's what I got going on right now, and I got other dates coming in the area I got a nice show coming the day after Christmas

You know right locally in central, New Jersey. You could show up We could exchange Christmas gifts whatever fuck you want to do and I got another one like the first or second week in I'm trying to get you on the bus. Plus we got two locations for offices. Which I'm very excited about. It's starting to work out. It was going to take a while, but sometimes you wait, you wait, you wait. And like I got to move last week. My

friends got a sponsor. They got a sponsor. They got a sponsor. They got a sponsor. And I got a sponsor. And I got a sponsor. And I got a very excited about it's starting to work out. It was going to take a while, but sometimes you wait, you wait, you wait. And like I got to move last week, my friends got a spa, but he shares it with a theater group. And you know, it's family. I don't want to fucking disrespect family.

Going in, I blow the joint up. It's not good for business. So, you know, I was looking at a couple other things. My friends, the HUD house in Edgewater, I was looking to do one there. But again, we interact with their business and we got, the word got out and two of my friends from high school got back to me. One is a fucking location that I'm not gonna devour,

but oh my God, do I have a history there. And the other one is a friend's private thing that he rents out as an apartment private entrance shower fucking it's like the back cave nobody even knows we're going in there we bring guests we got a blindfold them like they go to Pablo Escobar's house now so everything I'm gonna get blindfolded for the first couple weeks I got a blindfold you just security reason fucking around I can put I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not sure what happened. I'm not That windy but it was kind of crazy coming down, but I got stuck We like it came on and know what they didn't tell us until right as it was happening like hey, we've been circling They're sending us to Cincinnati to get more fuel. Yes that that down why why am I gonna?

Do it my flight listen don't have to tank out and speed it up like give us a move with Tom Cruise The DA was Jason moved with Tom Cruise and the DA was chasing him. Is it Tom Cruise? I don't know. When he played the helicopter drug smuggler and the DA was in hell. So what he did was to slow down the plane.

He knew they had a big plane. Right. A small plane. They were going to waste more gas than he was. They had a follow-up for like eight hours. Finally, he tapped on the gas

and let him go and he landed Story is you know the edibles working Everything's working the Maluchia pills the fucking the edibles were fucking tremendous man made some of the Home team edibles and they were just tremendous to diet smoke. Yeah, they're great I ate the the big bag the fireworks not even the whole bag and I'm fucking rocking and rolling guys It's hemp and I just wanted to listen. I ate them before and I know I'm gonna sleep like a baby I know I'm gonna end up eating something the spare rib. I'm gonna end up eating something like that's not good for me

But I didn't go for a spare room. Oh Right from fresh study Freddie next time you just two plates and a thing of dumplings Steve I am not Steve George the I'm trying to go in one direction and you go in there and you got to start all over again, right? This destroys your system. We get the dumplings which are world-class Amazing I wouldn't get vegetable dumplings like a half a fag. Is that what I'm doing now? No, you don't get vegetable. I'm gonna cut my finger off and give it to the other government. We're going with dumplings Okay. Yeah, and then we got a We get the soup Which is world class you get the egg drop and you throw a little hot mustard in that motherfucker mix up

I'm not talking to Tommy then Hopefully he steams it you put an ice cube in there to cool it down and then you throw the noodles in there It all mixes together the absorbs. I don't like the noodle half crunchy, but half soggy to get that texture and then we I like the noodle half crunchy, but half soggy to get that texture If anybody's gonna take him to Chinese food is gonna be the right Letty you end up eating turkey fucking Savi yaki if we're gonna go Chinese food listen when you walk in there you're halfway dead Anyway, you might as well go full blast and make sure your heart doctor's doing the right job. You know what I'm saying? You might as well go full blast and make sure your heart doctor's doing the right job. You know what I'm saying?

Right you do might as well you get the pork fried rice with the nice extra egg you time Freddy extra egg I never asked for that before extra egg. Don't put up how much for the egg. Give me six six extra omelet Give me you want protein? If I read this fried get the fucking onions the green onions, but that's the green onion in the motherfucking I'm like, give me, you want protein? If not, it's fried. Get the fucking onions, the green onions, but that's the green onion in a motherfucker. And real texture, you put the long sprouts in. Would Uncle Joey ever speak to you about sprouts?

I know. He's coming over here, tying me up in a chair and smacking me with a glove. Let me tell you something. Pork fried rice with the sprouts will make when it crunches when you bite the little piece of pork or cat and you the sprout and you just jump you feel your little asshole go that's the sprout you just threw it off the fucking Bahama mama and then why you're eating the pork fried rice why you gonna get an entree for no animal? Yeah We get ordered dumplings. Yeah, thank you to finish. Yes, because the dumplings fucking so big

You know great and him because he makes the dough and have we ever gotten the big order of ribs never No, I was a small one to a piece But then at some point when you come into the city when you were telling that story about the fried rice, all I could think about was the curry dot fried rice because that was amazing. It's amazing. It's a different kind of thing but like I've never had a pork chop like that before with the garlic sauce on top. I got to go there so bad like my pork chop that thick, you're going to say you're Joey come on. and Puerto Rican pork chops, where's this fucking podcast going? They're gonna shut us down the FCC We ain't spreading bad information We're telling fat fucks telling you the truth. We try to start the podcast off talking about jumping jacks and shit But you know what up cocksuckers you think that's what we're gonna get in trouble not because you said part-time little person I don't even know. I don't even you think I remember what I said the beginning of time I still had the cannabis juice going through my body now something else kicked in and mixed with the water and the hydro

Sorry about having the podcast late to you this week Everybody straight here Have a great week Mazel to what was that car tota, you know, happy new year Yeah, we'll belated You know and all that stuff guys. We're sorry will be tip-top magoo Tuesday morning next week But don't even worry about it the world can end by that. Just worry about today. It's a beautiful Wednesday What it's the truth?

I don't want you to leave the house thinking you're coming back home. I want you to hug because I want you to be the entry to beat the exit, to be more meaningful. You hug the cat, you water the, you know, instead you won't look at the plant and go fuck it tomorrow. No, your water in case we get nuked, you'll hug the cat. You'll leave an extra little can of cat food, you'll vacuum the house, you'll put that dirty underwear away

in case you ate bubblegum and it's on your underwear. You don't want them to walk in your house and go, we nuked this place, but the underwear with the bubblegum lived, you know what I'm saying? You always gotta be fucking. I didn't think about it on the underwear, because you can't get bubblegum off of underwear, can you?

What? You can't get bubblegum off of. Can you what you get bubble gum off of underwear? No, you just you throwing the handful. Hey, why? I blame on the cat. It was a hairball. I picked it up with the other way cuz I was gonna step on you know, I guess Strawberries, I don't know cuz it was he ate me. That's right. I don't fucking know what I'm asking me for You think I'd give the cat gum? Okay, what do you think I am? I love you cuz have a great week everybody and now for a word from our tremendous sponsors stay black

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