Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz is an old school geezer

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Joey talks with Lee about what it means to be an old school geezer, what pink mouth is, and his favorite way to fart on someone.  Joey also tells Lee about how your energy changes over your career as a comedian, what Joey has learned from watching other comedians, and the toll he put on his body early in comedy and what working out has done for him Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code JOEY.   This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self      

What he what's working with what cruise do you do? He did the cruise with the practical Joker guys. Oh cool Was it fun? I don't know. I wasn't deadly, you know, I didn't know if you asked him and he said he had a good time I'm over here, I'm I don't know I wasn't on mutiny on the bounty. You know what I'm saying? The fuck is wrong with you? What's happening beautiful people? It's Uncle Joey and Lisa I at for the check-in. It's Tuesday the 13th of February The check-ins brought to you by Liquid IV listen. It was a rough weekend. They're right, you're partying like a madman over the weekend.

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brother. I love your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet Just to give up. I thought would Joey to do it like the fucking rule the world. I think you got to be thinking I Hey buddy, what's happening beautiful? I'm doing great dude. I had like I think like the last two weeks Or probably my like two favorite weeks of comedy like in my entire life. So I'm just I'm really happy. Me too. That's awesome. I'm happy for you. Cocksuck.

Thanks buddy. Yeah, no, it was, uh, I've been hearing about you. Like you've been talking about Buffalo for the entire time I've known you. Like that was one of the show you did with Ari there I think was within the first couple years of me knowing you yeah you had the Fidel shirts and stuff yeah yeah and it was like I think the early show Saturday was one of like the best shows I've ever had and then and then we smoked and I didn't do so I did I did, but I didn't do great on late shows Saturday, but the early, the, like it was like pretty, even that show, which wasn't my favorite was still like a very good show. It was just a fucking great weekend. It's funny when you start doing comedy, you know, you start going on the road as a feature

act, maybe somebody takes shot as an MC, you know. And you start going to these places. And you know, you want to be, you want to be always optimistic about whatever town you're going into, you know, you want to do the best you can. But then you start to figure out that there's some places you jive at. And there's some places you don't jive at and you cannot get mad at that. Cannot get mad at that. You know, when you hit it big, you're going to try to get a room in Boston and nobody's going to hire you. And you're home, hometown, while you're getting hot.

When you start getting hot, you call now because, you know, maybe you wanted to part of that group. But anyway, it's just so weird that you and as a feature act I fell in love with Buffalo. I Fell in love with Miami. I fell in love with Houston. I Fell in love with Tempe. There was just certain rooms That I did fucking sensational and then there was rooms like that I did fucking sensational and then there was rooms like

Cobbs where I could eat a bag of dicks for a week and And then there's the punchline where you do great across town And it's a smaller than you so listen everybody finds their niche And this is what I people there's 50 Tum states, 52 states. I think it's just 50. 50. All right. 50. So if you could work 50 weeks a year, you can hit each fucking state. Yeah.

Oh, my God. That would be fucking insane. 50 states in a year to book it, you know, it's funny what you're gonna, you know, you may not do good in Hawaii. Oh, you don't think so? Yeah, I don't know. There's a club in Hawaii. I know people do it. Yeah, the blue note is there. There's a couple clubs, but you might not do well in Sacramento, you know, and then you start falling in love with these places. You like the food, you like the culture, you like the nightlife. And that was me with certain fucking towns.

Like I really enjoyed going there because they had a festival or something. That's what Ari does. Ari travels around music festivals. Right, he does that. I know Burr does the college football weekends. weekends like he'll do a show and do and go to like one of those big Steve I would love to do that. We almost went to To a Buffalo Sabres game on Saturday, but we took we took these mushrooms

They kicked in late they kicked in at like two in the morning So I was up until like six in the morning on Saturday morning. So we didn't end up going, but I could see that. I could see like different cities being, I'm already looking forward to going back to a few places. It's funny how I still remember going to Buffalo when I auditioned for the Sopranos in 2000.

And I knew back then that Buffalo, even though I bombed at a hockey, he did show at a hockey halftime. Like you tell me about that. Yeah. And I bombed, but I knew that that was just a bad position to put people in. And I just knew Buffalo was my type of city. And then you got the wings and you got the beef on wick And you got the Buffalo Bill fans and you got Rick James. There was just so much a law

To that town. Oh, yeah, you know, I knew when I went to Jacksonville, Florida That I would never go back now because I didn't like the town because I died Fucking nine shows in a row How many years did you come down here? On to get down to Jacksonville. That was my first time ever. And I died and I never came back.

It's the opportunity never opened itself back up. I mean, to go back there, but I was it raising my hand to go back there either. No, is there like, is there a place other than Jacksonville that like you won't go I Mean there was a lot of places that I just didn't feel like I did well like They used to be a club in Iowa penguins. I never did well there You know, it's it's the center of this the country and you got to remember when they program shows That's who they program before the Midwest Right TV shows on the networks not on streaming. They don't give a fuck about the Midwest on stream

Network television they put their shows around, you know Midwest what's going on the Midwest those values, you know, mm-hmm Midwest, what's going on in the Midwest? Those values, you know? It's weird, I tend to do better with people like that. Then like Cooler, like New York City, or like young people I don't really do, I do okay with, but I do better with like middle age, like in the middle of nowhere kind of places.

It's really weird how you start to see your demographic, you start to see your demographic You start to see your like my demographic my first demographic were junkies Anybody who snorted coke like me, you know or anybody with felonies Holy shit, would they tell you after the shows? Oh, yeah, but I was circled around me like flies Where'd he get coke at I got some I don I don't, you know. And it was just degenerate bill. And then in time, you got the potheads. And then, right, you know, you just keeps changing demographics, you know, but the final demographic of mine is really good because it's the ages of 21 to 34 or whatever the fuck that that's the best demographic and for me it works because

those kids I'm uncles to them oh yeah 100 looking me as an uncle when you're 24 or 25 you know so it's it's a great thing to fucking uh you know it's great that you're taking notes like I said Uh, you know, it's great that you're taking notes. Like I said, David tell once told me, you're doing a great thing by touring as a feature act, cause you're building up a market and they'll cheer for you even more because they could say they knew you when you were a feature. Right. I can't wait for that. Like I'm, I'm not going to get business cards, but I'm going to get something like people can scan for social media or something.

Just like, because it is, it's crazy. Just to have, I love it. It's, it means a lot when anyone from the podcast comes, but I, when someone who has no idea who I was liked what I said, like thought it was funny. It's, it's not surprising, but you know, people from the church, they go, they come in already liking me. And if I can, if I can get someone who like had no feelings about me at the beginning to like buy in, it's really fucking cool.

You're making a great point. You're making a great point. I mean, listen, there's so many things to do now. Like if you left a business card on each table with a scanner, whatever the fuck they call it, what do they call that? QR code. A PR code, whatever the fuck it is.

QR. QR, yeah, right, good. I like when people give me those cards and I don't even know where they start. Like I wave it through Weight Watch watches to see how many points the fucking Business card has I don't know nothing What do you do when you go to a restaurant and they have a QR code for a menu? Do you just leave like do you actually I tell them to give me a menu got no glasses. I got no phone

Going to back again menu. I'm gonna fucking keep our code There's always some sucker at the table. It does it. I'm like, don't do it towards him a little bit. Oh They probably don't have them. Have you ever had or do they always have them in the back? They got like three of them and then I stopped when I call them back and I asked them for glasses You have any readers? You know, even though I got a pair in my pocket, you know, I'm saying oh Do you have any readers? Even though I got a pair in my pocket, you know what I'm saying, oh

That's fucking amazing. I love it. Do they ever have glasses for you? Yeah, you throw them off Now people leave glasses at restaurants. They have a whole desk of them by the matri D or whatever the fuck the host You walk in just I need readers When did you get glasses? What held are you? My I started going when I was 44. Like I told Rogan a few weeks ago. Oh yeah.

When I stopped doing coke, my eyes went out the window. And like, that's so funny. How quickly did you put your glasses on immediately? And that's what fucked them up even more. I shouldn't have panicked, I should have held off. And it would have made my eyes stronger. It's like my hearing, I'm pretty much fucking deaf. A lot of people don't know that,

but I'm pretty much fucking deaf. Like if I'm in a restaurant, don't even talk to me because I'm just gonna look at you. That's great It's you know when I go to comedy places Once that show is on you're talking to me. I don't even know what you're saying What does it sound like you just like it just sounds like a bunch of noise I'm like, yeah, no shit wow

Has anyone ever caught on that you couldn't hear them no they're not that fucking smart they can't tell my face But I'm number one. I'm stoned Right prize the shit out of me when you say something to me and Number two, you know, I'm deaf. So I'm like, huh? And they're like, oh yeah, come, you know, it's insane. But I've tried with the hearing aids, they just don't work for me.

I hear all these fucking, so I gotta get an upgrade like really fucking good hearing aids. Hey, this is what happens, man. You know, when you're 20 and you go to all these concerts and you sit by the speakers and you jump up and down like a fucking moron, you're gonna have hearing problems later on. So you gotta prepare for all this shit.

Oh, I'm blind. I'm so, I can't see shit. So that's why I asked about the glasses. Cause I get, it's been years that I've needed glasses. And I refuse. Yeah, you gotta go to the glasses and get some contacts. You don't want to have glasses. I can spent years that I've needed glasses. I'm a. Glasses and get some contacts. You don't want to have glasses. I can't put stuff on my eyes.

My goo. I would. That would look so I would look terrible with glasses, but not. I can't put you, Mr. Magoo. You don't want to look like a Jew, Mr. Magoo. I can you put stuff in your I've never like I've never once in my entire life.

But I put my zine in my eyes, but I can't do that. I could put contacts in it. Just a it's just a period It just takes time You learn how to do it you open up and then you put the thing on your finger and then you put it And then you put it in then you take the other side and fucking you know You got a question you might stick your finger in your nose. Motherfucker, they got a contact lens in your nose and shit. I know having a coke stuck in my nose, but the contact lens, that's pretty tough to tell the fucking hospital guy that, hey,

I snorted a contact lens of my mistake. You know what I'm saying? What did you think about the Sup bowl? You didn't watch it. I watched it. I know I watch it I just I had it on pause so I turned it on uh As a patriots fan the only thing I could think of is like fuck is is like I think that these chiefs might be better than the patriots were. I think Andy Reed is way better than Bella check and Mahomes, I don't know. I mean, I know you love Brady. I love Brady. I

Think my was better. I love Tom Brady. I Love a lot of guys. Mahomes is You know, I like I've always thought he was a great quarterback. He's very young You know, I like I've always thought he was a great quarterback. He's very young Mm-hmm. You know, he's agile. He'll run, you know, he'll take the game into his own hands He's a great quarterback. We proved it yesterday. I feel bad for San Francisco. Yeah They had a pretty decent game till the end, you know I didn't really give a fuck about Kelsey and the other people Once the game was over. it was fucking done with, you know,

I had a fucking migraine at Jimmy Florentine's. I had to come home and take a few trial laws and I fucking just sat here for like an hour. And then I went to Christine's and watched the game from the beginning. And I just sat over that, I just sat over that til half time. You're getting a lot of migraines now, huh? Yeah, the last couple weeks for some reason something's not right, so That sucks. I find out next Tuesday when I go to the doctor. Oh

Okay, tomorrow. No, and then when's that go to acupuncture? And she'll stick a few needles in me and they'll calm down for a few fucking weeks. I didn't go to see her last week I was busy. I had something else going on. Listen when you get to be over 50 You're gonna adopt it twice a week for something. You know I'm saying For something. Are you really? Yeah, something's always up the yeast infection in my ears went away Then it came fucking back. I got got it she is they smell funny yeah now I got to go back to see her next week that's Thursday and next week I think that's what it could be I'm getting headaches from the yeast infection in my ears and shit is that from swimming how do you get a yeast infection I know you've talked about but like how do you get that

from what I heard is from not drying your ears and sticking foreign objects in your ears which I'm the kingdom I don't like fucking Qtips. They don't work Qtips a quarter out of here But if you want to get the deep deep deep deep wax you got to get like a fucking You know a big pen that you don't use to start coke no more or like I got a thing from Manscape, right? Okay. In my nail file. So when you cut your nails, there's a thing that you pull, but it's like a Coke spoon. So I clean it out with that in the morning. It takes all the big chunks out. I'm very self-conscious about dirty ears. When I see somebody with dirty ears lights out, I ask for a check.

When I see somebody with dirty ears lights out, I ask her check. I don't think people with dirty ears and now I'm with dirty ears. So I hate even going out. I got to go out with earplugs and make believe like I got swindlers here with some shit. What happens when you get a yeast infection in your ear? Does it like this stuff grow in there? Huh? What happens when you have a yeast infection in your ear? Well, I can't have anybody fuck me in the ear for a month.

You know what I'm saying? You got a yeast infection. You don't want to spread it. No, I don't know. You don't. They put me on penicillin for two weeks or some shit. But whatever I'm doing is making it reoccur. But, uh, I enjoyed what I watched the Super Bowl.

I thought it was enjoyable. Earned out to be a great fucking game. You know, listen, I didn't put a red shirt on. I don't give a fuck about the chick. I don't give a fuck about Kelsey. I give a fuck about the bottom line. I had the under by the fucking hair of my skin on my teeth Oh, shit. I lucked out on the under and I mixed it with fucking

Oklahoma City yesterday we're given two and a half it was a gift on the Lord today You had a parlay between two different games. Yeah, I had a parlay with only on draft kicks. I had a parlay with the under and Okay, so you said the thunder and then I had San Francisco money line and the under Okay, see and that bell guy Well for some reason I didn't bet Sam I didn't like the game I didn't like I couldn't give you an answer on who was gonna win I like the under cuz I knew they were gonna fuck you some way or another

And I like met and I like Oklahoma City, so I took my chances I wheeled them I Had to I had one parlay, but I hit the under big. Cause that's what I really liked. Everybody over and then just turn the game off and pray that they score. I just said, no, they're going to fuck us. They're going to do something. And I was right. Thank God.

Do you remember what the under was? 47 and a half. And the score was 25 22 Holy shit That half point. I love when that's neither fuck you or it can make you that half point Yeah, I got fucked in the ass by a half point about three weeks ago. So I know I had one coming You know I'm saying oh, I had you in my head all Weekend with that game because you like how you're always like oh, there's you in my head all weekend with that game Because you like how you're always like oh, there's you don't see a bookie with a part-time job

Yeah, I liked I liked Kansas City Because and they were but they were a plus 100 so you like you would double your money And I was like oh that it's just too good to be true. It's too good to be true. It was too easy And I didn't like any of them. I had I was leaning towards KC, but 77% of the money was on KC. So I guess, you know, somebody told me that the average amount for the soup bowl to go with a family of four was $32,000. Yeah. And this morning, it hit me that Vegas made money and On the gate they made money from A to Z this weekend. So they weren't even concerned with the fucking

Super Bowl, you know, it just makes sense. So I wonder so That'd be crazy to see like what how much money went into Vegas within the last week. Oh tons a billion couple bills Couple billion easy Holy shit, because they're there in the hotels. They're eating every night I'm a great place for the Super Bowl to be the Super Bowl. They're gonna switch it to Vegas eventually It's just it's just too easy. Yeah, it's too easy. You fly in you go to a hotel Everything's right there the stadiums down the corner

You know Vegas was built to carry that. Yeah Vegas was good. I mean that load So what the fuck are we doing? Just put it in Vegas every year and switch it to fucking three in the afternoon So you get some gambling money after the game. That's what you need to do, switch that game so it doesn't come on here. I fucking 630 and I got to stay up to 11 watching fucking the soup. Oh, kids got to go to bed. They're upset.

They got Kansas City fucking ponytails. And, you know, my daughter didn't give a's miss fuck, but now she didn't want you all Yeah, yeah, she but we went to watch it. There was a bunch of kids and it was the best part of it watching them lose their mind because the mom put like fucking She had like a pool for the kids. Oh Look at Gamers. Yeah commercials Characters everybody won like 40 bucks. There was like nine kids there

So no work nights. You had a great scam and I'm grateful for those moms because I don't know what to do with kids Let's do boy. I give them onion dip and give them a shot of fucking Blackberry brandy and there you go. That's your super bowl. Talk sucker I could see you though like doing a gambling pool with little kids like that that seems like something you would do I Dollar bet like nothing crazy. I'm not thinking you're gonna steal money from kids like these kids are young I don't want to inflict that fucking knowledge Listen, I still know the first person. I still remember the first person who gave me a fucking gambling sheet

those Sheets with the college games and the pro games. Uh-huh. You ever see those they call like I forget to have a name for him Look at the casino where it tells you like what it's what the odds are Oh, no, no casino. This is you get, at the casino where it tells you what the odds are? Well, not at the casino. You get this at the deli. Oh, shit. Okay. You have illegal bookies and you have these tickets and you got to go four for four.

If you bet $5, you win $30. If you bet $6, you win $45. If you win, it'll tell you right on the thing. You put the circle of numbers and then you rip off the bottom and the book he collects it. And then if you win, he pays on fucking Sunday. I forget what the name, but is they slipped my mind, betting sheets, something, football, pool, something like that.

I don't fucking know. And how old are you? Maybe 12 or 11. People get pissed off now. Huh? People would get pissed off if they sold it to 12 or 11 year old kids. Throw you under the fucking jail now.

You know, they'll throw you under the fucking jail. If you ask a kid, hey, you get laid lately, don't throw you under the fucking jail. When I was a kid, all those people at my mother's bar asked me constantly, you get your dicks up, you get laid lately, you pissing yellow, you eat some ass, and I'd be like, what the fuck are they talking about?

I could throw those people in jail right now. That's why I'm careful with kids. I used to tell kids, what's the story? You wanna go hook up Jacob? Jacob Wolf, all the time. Jacob, we're going to go get a check with big titties. Let's go. No, I'm telling my dad.

I'll have to see if I can find it. I think Josh put up a video of you asking him to go get margaritas or something. And he's like five. Him and I are having a great time. We actually went to the casino on Saturday night Josh was tired. So him and I just Jacob and I went to the casino right across the street from the club we fucking

Lost all of our money really quick But it was I actually have a clip because I was I was in the casino And it just made me think of like the people you see in the casino And I wanted to know if you've seen anything because I saw this on Twitter Andy if you could throw that up I just wanted to get your opinion and like see if you've seen anything like this That woman's pissing at the fucking Slot machine. Oh, yeah, I've seen this before this video before but I the only person I've seen do that is me this video before, but I, the only person I've seen do that is me.

What do you mean? You peed at a casino? I'll pee anyway. You know me. You've been around me. I'm a filthy animal. I've never seen you pee in a building before. I peed in corners because I just take my dick out and start peeing, especially if it's a carpet. Nobody knows. So they're focused on your hand on the phone or the drink in your hand. Meanwhile, your other hand's on your waist, but an inch of your dick is popping out of the pants

and you're just peeing like you're on the joint. I peed in every phone booth in America when I was on the road. Those little phone booths you see, I would pull in that close the door and make believe I was on the phone, but the whole time I'd be pissing in there. Except in the winter, steam comes up from the floor,

then you have a problem. People know you're in there fucking P and in Florida and shit like that, but yeah. Did he get caught? In the phone booths? Anywhere. No, never. But now they'll throw you in jail for that shit.

Oh, yeah. You know, that's why P, like when I'm gonna rush, rush if I pee I gotta make sure I'm not in the school zone Because they'll charge you as a pervert. There's a sexual abductor Yeah, well your whole life you're on the registry, I think if you be like, you know, it's like getting the Arrested with weed in the school zone. They'll double the fucking sentence on you Jesus Arrested with weed in the school zone. They'll double the fucking sentence on you. Jesus. I flew with it by accident.

I was fucking paranoid when I went to Buffalo. I had it in like a little side pocket of my backpack. What? And I never fly with it. Like I had a fucking pack of joints. All right, you threw them away? No, no, no. I was too late. I had to throw something like my wallet in that pocket when I went through the scanner. And as soon as

I unzipped it, like the smell we just poured out. And it was it had a big label on it and the the TSA guy just looked at it and didn't and didn't say anything. But I was like, sure they were gonna come and get me Nah That's too much paperwork and you're a nice little jewish fella You know saying that I gotta rest this little jewish fella If I went through there with a bead and that killed the palestinian shirt on yeah, they're gonna throw me under the fucking jail of muffler Yeah, I think I think it might be because because of the shirt I don't know if it's because of the weed. What do you even get a kill the Palestinian shirt?

Just people walking around with them now kill Jews kill Palestinian, you know, they're online They're probably selling on 22nd Street. I didn't make a dough. Listen. If you make 50 shirts to say I Hate Israel and then 50 shirts to say I hate Palestine you're gonna sell them all it's a You know, you maybe get caught with three fucking I hate Palestine to something But just the way life is somebody's got to be making those shirts. I Got I bet you're right and speaking of the Jewish people, you know that steakhouse that you've told me about Peter Luger's Yeah, I walked by like I went from one spot to another in Brooklyn and I was walking and I just walked by it.

I didn't know like that whole area is like Jewish central. I've never seen anything like that. Is it a civic Jewish or? Yeah. Yeah. Like a little like a block or two before it. But like they have schools and they have like a buses and buses of like with like Hebrew writing on it and like one of them almost ran into me on a fucking lime scooter He was fucking zooming on that thing. Oh, you should have called that

Jew versus Jew in court forget it. That's the best case is Kramer versus Kramer. You know what I'm saying? Oh But he'd win He definitely has a better fucking lawyer than I do now cuz he's hitting you with a fucking lemon scooter. Oh That's like a lawn order episode Anybody hits me with lemon school. I'm staying down. I'm standing up singing Chinese songs I'm gonna scratch my ass and eat this shit in front of the judge I'm getting the big three mil four mil But you would stick your finger in your ass and suck it five million dollars. It's your ass

I'm not gonna let the homeless guys ask Yeah, but that's oh, that's bad, too. I didn't know was a homeless was an option Yeah, you get sick of sound you might get pink mouth instead of pink guy for a week You ever see a chick with a mouth from eating ass holes and shit they get pink mouth No, I've never seen a chick. What is it look is it just around her lips is the pink mouth? Oh My god, Joey, you know People's take a shit and they wipe their ass and they don't wash their hands Then they scratch their eyeball and then they go,

huh, I got pink eye. And there's always some, yeah, you used to get pink eye, you nasty mother. I didn't get pink eye, I got a couple of styes from a dirty hot tub. I didn't know you couldn't go in hot tubs in California. When I grew up, you could go into a hot tub. They went into one hot tub on an Airbnb.

You get to get a hot tub. You wipe your ass, you're eating those fucking I didn't know. Men's fries with the green chili and the fucking pork. That's good. I don't care what you say. You wiped your ass. It came from Mexico. It was radioactive.

You wiped your eye and then you started getting styes. Now you now you with Athena and she makes you fucking wash your hands. Thank God. Because you're a nasty motherfucker. You were getting those thighs in your eyes. So let's say if you're one of these chicks that licks asshole, you're gonna get pink mouthed. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, you're definitely getting something from me. Huh? Oh, I was laughing because I did something disgusting. Like, do you ever fart like on purpose? Like to like gross out mercy or your wife? Well, you do, I know you do. I fart because it's uncomfortable. Yeah, I fart on purpose.

You fart in the fucking mouth if you let me. At this point. I had something happen that I hadn't had happened in a while. I should rip your fart. I fucking straight up. Look at while. I should rip apart. I fucking stood straight up. Look at, like it made the noises. And like, I had to throw the underwear away. Like it was, I just straight up hit my pants.

Like not even like just a little bit. Like I straight up just fucking shit my pants. You can't throw your underwear away. You gotta put it in there and bury it and hide it in a fucking cookie box and shit. Thank God the maid's not hungry and she goes in that cookie box And she finds a fucking white on these And on it I did it at a Phoenix house. I just threw it in the trash. I oh, I haven't done it at a hotel before

I bet that would happen though my bed, you know, I Thought it happened in the hotel. Do you give them like a couple extra bucks when you shit your pants at the hotel? I don't say nothing. If they say somebody shit their pants, listen, your housekeeping is weak because that wasn't here when I got here. You know what I'm saying?

Of course it wasn't here when you got there. You was you was the rat in my room and threw it in there. These are it is they take shit and throw their diapers in. Cocked suckers. Oh, I definitely will. I should have had it's been a while, but I love just ripping one just to piss, especially her kids off. It makes me so happy. Now, you can't rip one.

You have to tell them the surprises when they're silent and they're fucking relaxing, their mouth is a little open and you drop that hot air fart and it either shoots to the west or to the east and hopefully it's the direction you want it to go to. And they're just sitting there eating popcorn, taking breaths out of their nose.

That's it, you have to time the fart. Why fart if they're not eating? Because you want it to go in there completely, you know what I'm saying? You want it to go in the nose and in the mouth. They get the double whammy mix. Let's say they're eating popcorn. Can you imagine farting on popcorn with butter?

The fart stick to popcorn because of the fart. You have a whole system. Oh, I just do it all the time you save it for when they're eating just to ruin a meal Oh, my god, why not so they could get double whammy I Should do it all the time in the office on the I know you used to do it, but you wouldn't do it silent You would aim it out I could tell because you weren't like you wouldn't even try to hide You would aim it out. I could tell, because you weren't, like you wouldn't even try to hide it. Like you were talking about hiding it.

You would lean back, push up, and just raise your fucking asshole at me. And it would ricochet. Like, I think, didn't you take those chairs from LA? Or no, I forget. No, I threw those out. I followed them. I was gonna say, you have to throw those things away.

Let me explain some to you. I just don't balance my hips. I proportion my hips So my asshole ricochets off the chair to give a distance so it goes straight into your mouth If I just blow it out to the atmosphere it just shoots out this way, right? But if I blow it to the chair, that's the initial impact. Bye. Bye. And then it's a double You know I'm saying it hits the chair, that's the initial impact, and then it's a double. You know what I'm saying, it hits the chair, and it ricochets right into your fucking mouth. I learned that when I was 13 on the number one bus

from North Bergen to the high school, when I used to fart in the junkies' mouth, every time I farted in those little seats, the junkies wouldn't get the full fucking effect. But if I banked my fart off the chair, like a bank shot, and I caught him in the eye and the ear, in the mouth, they would wake up from their little junkie fest and ask themselves, what the fuck happened?

Yeah, I'll tell you what happened. You got a fart in your right lung that's fucking telling your mind you're in danger, you're in stranger danger and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? I bet you could aim it to a specific long. It's crazy how you have like a whole system down. You got, listen, when you're a professional,

it's not a professional farting. I'm a professional eating, professional snorting, I'm a professional snorting pot, smoking pot, and I'm also a professional doing comedy. So all those things I got down to a fucking science. Any questions? Fuck no. All right, that's what I'm-

I'll make that. So the soup bowl's over, now we got college basketball, then I'm excited for baseball. You sit outside, you get a little vitamin D, and then it's football all over again. Then there's an election this year if we're still alive. I can't. It's the worst fucking I hate every four.

It's like, I just hate it. But speaking of baseball, are you going to Philly games this year? I'm going to go with whatever I get tickets to, you know, I'm always a very guess I say type of motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I don't know where I'm going. Not like I'm gonna sit here with you and look up a ticket and get and wear my shirt.

I find about, you know, I get a sudden urge. I see who's pitching. We got nothing going on. Let's get four tickets and let's get the fuck out of here. So if you ever fully retired, you wouldn't get like season tickets to the Phillies Retired how can I afford season fucking tickets? You know, I don't know I'm not saying you get the right behind home plate, but I don't know how much to hope season tickets cost What's that? I think you could have I mean in a world where you could afford it

Would you spend? 80 days a year watching baseball? No, or basketball anything. No, I would love to get season tickets. I wouldn't mind doing like splitting tickets with people. So we get two tickets for each game. And then you pick four games and I pick four games and we, you know, there's people who do that a certain way. I don't know how they do it. I wouldn't want to come. I don't have time for a full commitment.

That is a long one, 80 games. I don't know, you know, I'm not Jack Nicholson. I ain't fucking one of these guys that just goes to Lake, I enjoy all that stuff, but I don't think I would enjoy it every day, every other night Or like I know somebody who's got Nick tickets and they walk okay They've only got two Nick tickets and they said Joey if you ever want to go

And I go well, don't you go to any games? He goes. I've had no season tickets for 28 years Holy shit, he goes now I just give him away to people. I just like the ones he wants to do. Yeah You know, I went to 200 UFC's with Joe You think so? I Least 100 I'm exaggerating. Holy shit, but that's still a me and Ari and Duncan and Brian We went to at least it was four or five years. We went to tons of UFC's. I love the UFC. I can't see myself going to another fight live. It's too expensive. It's too much work. All of them here started 10 at the guard. You know, that means I'm not getting out of there till one and then you got to get on, you know, if you're in the city,

it doesn't pay to bring your car. So now you're on a bus at two in the morning going to fucking central New Jersey. You know, and I tell people, like sometimes I get disappointed, but you know, it's even like concerts, like Jimmy goes to a lot of concerts with his family, and they always invite me, they're great people. You know, and I feel bad, I say no to them.

And it's like my concert days were then. Now a concert would break me. It's too much walking. You got to climb stairs, then I get there. And you know, it's just too much for what I'm gonna get out of there. These aren't even the original bands. Yes. I get to see an artist and I go to a couple of concerts every year,

but they got to be very easy. Once you start pounding on like on the Mladenale, all those shows I went at, at the end were all easy guns and rose, the Palladium, easy, Bat Betetal, Wils boulevard? Easy, you know Michael Shank at the whiskey easy Those are all easy things for me That's why when I was thinking of you at the UFC and I know you have no plans of going to Vegas anytime soon But like it what what about like the apex like that small one that the US

Never been I know but I'm saying like that seems like one you might like because it's not huge up and down You don't get the whole thing when I was going to fucking UFC's In Vegas they were at the hotel where you stay that okay? In the stand me so all I had to go is to my hotel elevator Go down to the first floor walk a half a a mile. And I was in the UFC. Same thing for a fight, I didn't wanna watch, but I wanted to get high. I'd leave there, go to my room, get weed, go smoke it,

eat edibles, eat acid with Ari, and then we go back. At the end of the night, I didn't have to fucking walk out with 20,000 people and then take my car to that place. When you go to Philly, the game ends at 10.30, you're not getting home till 1. I know, yeah, leaving any stadium is the worst. I got two to four kids in the backseat and they're all asleep on the drive home. You know, it just doesn't, you know, when I was going to those games, I was going by myself.

They started at 730 and you got out of the garden by 930 quarter to 10 and then you walked around to whatever time you want. It was a different place and time. It's not that I don't enjoy music or live music, but I can't put, you know, first of all, I go to one of these places around here one person sees me. I'm dead Right. I went to see

Chas Pamenteri last year You know in the beacon theater. I'm going to see Chas Pamenteri and After the show started 15 minutes, I still had people walking up to the road going can we take a picture? Stage and you want to take a picture, you know So even that gets old because people don't respect privacy anymore. They just don't give a fuck so But all in all the best way to improve as an entertainer is to go get entertained improve as an entertainer is to go get entertained. So whenever you're very stuck with something, don't go watch a comedian. Anybody could do that. Just look in your local paper, see who's doing jazz,

see who's doing an improv show, see who's doing any type of art, and you go down there and watch it. And because we're idiots, and we could just play a cowbell and fucking do jokes. Anything we see, we get blown away. Yeah. And it fucking inspires you to no end. Like, wow, I thought I was a badass. This guy is fucking swallowing swords and pissing out daisies. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, it's crazy that you're talking about we were talking at the beginning about like your favorite cities like when I went to Nashville a couple weeks ago It was for that exact reason is one of my favorite. I'm not a music person But like I went one night and watched like a country cover band I like one of the bars on like the main strip and then the other night after my show I went to a jazz club just because I just wanted to see what that was like. And it was so cool.

Like it was it it's similar to what I do, but very, very different. And then to just be like that, like Nashville has a city with all that music is just fucking really inspiring and cool. Like to be. I don't want to go to like the fucking places that everybody goes to. No. I used to go to not Grand Rapids, Michigan, Bay City.

Okay. Bay City up by there, I forget the town next to it. I used to date a girl in, I forget the name of the place. I dated a girl now in Michigan for a while, but then I dated a girl that lived by Bay City. And if I had the weekend in Michigan, like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,

I would do my house on Mondays. That was my thing. And this is a weird situation because she was married She was divorced, but her husband lived downstairs and she lived upstairs. Oh But I would just take around dates and shit But I didn't know what to take her and she would take me to a Monday night open mic for jazz and blues No, it was a blues open mic And it was too and it was two black chicks. Okay. Upon stage sweating up the storm. One would sing then the other would sing then the other would

sing then you know they would alternate songs with a funky guitar player, a standing bass. And I couldn't wait to get there on Monday nights just so I could go see watch that and They had food there pretty good, but there'd be 20 people there tops And you left and you went home and the material spit out of your ass The jokes come out of your ass What do you think why do you think that is I? Think from seeing somebody I don't know. You know, and that's why I really enjoy live music.

Because every time I go see live music, I see a guitar player doing something that blows me away and I leave there like, wow, the show was great. But that solo he did in this song really took me to the next level, you know, I don't know why it just you know, whenever I see anything good acting, you know, if I see good acting in a movie, good acting in theater, I was going to ask you about that. Do you go to plays and stuff? I was, I went to like maybe four plays in LA, you know, the years I went to like maybe four plays in LA You know the years I went to like one man shows Right the one he Bruce one I went to the one girl one I

Can't remember her name. I took a thousand milligrams, you know bear with me and I went to a play with my wife. It was okay. And then my wife, when I met my wife, she was in a theater group. And on top of Jerry's Deli on Monday night. So I would drop her off and then go to my acting class. And then I'd go watch her rehearse.

And then we both drive to the comedy store and I do the Monday night spot at the store. It was pretty interesting. But like a year after we got together, she quit. She got a job and a job at night and blah, blah, blah. And she had been doing it for like five years. And it really was the guy who was running it, it was Bruno Kirby's father was in the group. So he was the glue to the group when he passed away and then his son

passed away. His son was the guy in Donnie Brasco. Okay. With the hair forward, the one Donnie Brasco, okay that with the hair forward the one that did the drug deal and they killed him Yeah, that's that was one guy and that his father I was in charge that theater group and I went a couple times. I was pretty impressed I've always been thinking about joining a theater group here They have a couple of new Brunswick. Maybe I just got to find the right one and do some research You're looking at me like if I'm fucking crazy and you know I am at times and that's why I teamed up with better help

Give me two minutes. We'll be right back. Let's read this beautiful ad for better help if things are going on with you Hey uncle Joey here this episode is brought to you for better help if things are going on with you. Hey, Uncle Joey here. This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Listen, therapy for when your relationship is on the rocks. It helps you keep on track and it keeps it rolling smoothly, especially now with Valentine's Day coming. Listen, the only way to have a good relationship is to put in the work and better help can get you there. Listen, you're going to enjoy it.

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together, excuse me. And better help. Who do you think bailed me out? Better help did. So if you're thinking about starting therapy, you don't have the time to go through all this driving, parking, validating. Better help is the answer. You might as well give them a try. So do me a favor. Just to get started, visit betterhelp.com. Again, visit betterhelp.com slash D-I-S-D-I-A-Z. And if you use D-I-S, I'm gonna give you 10% off your first month. Who's better than Uncle Joey?

And who's better than BetterHelp? Nobody. So again, let's say you had San Francisco yesterday. You know what I'm saying? And you're not feeling up to it. You contact BetterHelp in town. Listen, I had San Francisco yesterday and I can't stop hearing Tony Bennett.

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Back to you, fuck nut. What's going on with you? I'm doing really well. I'm doing, I'm, I, go ahead. The other night you were telling me when I told you I had a headache. And you're like, I'm doing I'm I Go ahead The other night you were telling me when I told you how to headache and you're like, I'm sorry buddy First of all stop that shit when people tell you I'm my ankle hurts. I'm sorry It's who gives a fuck your ankle hurts take two pain pills caught me in the morning Put some mice on it and stop dickin around, you know

We so you're mad at me for saying I'm sorry you have a headache? Yeah, everybody's always sorry. I'm so sorry that, you know, your mother died. Listen, it was 42 years ago. Where were you then when I needed a coat wrap? Now you wanna show up and tell me you're sorry, forget about it, keep your flowers. What I'm trying to tell you is that.

Okay. You asked me a question, I said to you, no, I'm gonna to take edibles. Like anytime you have a headache, you open up with, let's say if you eat like 1,000 to 1,200 like me, if you got a migraine headache, you got to open up with like 400, 500, just to balance you off and see where it takes you.

If you're a fucking, you know, if you're 10 milligram time, or you're one of those people, then you have to do it's everything. But I'm explaining something to you, and you're gonna die, Lee. If you fucking thought, in 19, no, I'm lying to you. If you thought, 14 years ago, yeah, about 14 or 14 years ago Yeah about 14 15 years ago when the explosion really took off in California and

People had lollipops and the ice cream and all that shit And I'll never forget that you know, I heard people's arguments on why it should be legal Me I'm an old school geezer. You know what I'm saying? Don't don't don't come to me with that story. Just tell me you want to get high. Okay. But there was two old school geezer. Yeah, an old school fucking geezer. But there was one guy I met that was really interesting. He was like, I don't know, like a, I don't know, like a lifer in the fucking Navy. And he was, he was up there. He was like a 35 year guy. He was some type of fucking fleet, whatever.

I talked to his son and his son and him came in one day and we started talking. I'll never forget that the son said to me My father fucking when I grew up my father fucking hated marijuana He thought that people smoked were weak Weak minded he just went off and he goes look at him now because his best friend got cancer And he started smoking then my father got cancer and now there's not a day that he doesn't go at least two fucking five or six joints and I was like really and he goes dog he's alive because of reefing and I went home and had a scratch my head and rethink that and then that Christmas I bit my fucking tooth like the 24th and every dentist was closed.

There was a tooth here that just cracked. Ah, fuck. Well, I can't tell you the pain I had. And I took everything, you know, a leave, night cool fucking somebody gave me pain pills, nothing. And I still remember it being like the 26th and I couldn't get into see him because it was the weekend It was one of those Christmases Monday I called his emergency line. They were gonna see me and I think Saturday night. I was crying I

Got up in the middle of the night from the pain. I was crying and There was a computer in my kitchen. I was on the computer and I said, you know what, these motherfuckers say that marijuana kills pain. Let's see if they're right. And I started smoking pot and within 15 minutes, I was writing a blog and I'm like, wow, what happened to my toothache? Well, the toothache was still there. But for some reason, me, it took my mind off it. That it numb the pain. So before it was unmanageable. Now it seemed like it

felt like I was about to get a toothache. Like by the end of the week, you'll have a toothache. And so now that like you do that for pain now, like headaches and if you have other pain, does it help with your knees? It doesn't help with my knees. I love to sit here and tell you and let people give them, you know, but there's people who might work for their knees because their tolerance is a lot lower. So if they do blast one of my indica joints, this might help their knees.

I think it's the same effect. You know, when my ankle got fucked up over the holidays, before the holidays, I was smoking reefer when it was swollen, and it was making it enjoyable. I'm a firm believer now after all these years that, there's a lot of benefits to THC. It also has high tar. So for like they did that test on me and one of the things and results is my lungs are scarred. No shit. I've been doing bong hits since I was 13. What do you think they're gonna look like? Fucking Bruce Jenner's fucking lungs, you know? Is that what you told your doctor? Fucking, you know,

fucking Kelsey's lungs that they're all clear as shit. I grew up in Jersey. I've been sniffing fucking those barbaric odors since I was a kid. Then I smoke coke, I smoke pot, I sniff my fucking farts. Oh yeah. You know, it's like, so what do you expect your lungs look like right now? I'm 61.

People forget like, when I go to the doctor now, I always beat myself up. You know me more than anybody Lee. And nobody beats himself up more. And I think the last year and a half has been me reinforcing myself that Joey, sure you can't lift 400 pounds anymore. You're 60 fucking years old. I would go home and like start drinking protein shakes and eating beef jerky and shit.

And then I forget that what I could do for an hour and a half now I do 45 minutes and I got to come home and take a fucking nap in three or four hours But I know you like it's not as much But there's other 60 year olds who can't do 15 minutes Like there's people who are younger who can't but like you've been working out pretty much the entire time

I've known you like do you think that's helped? Is that it never helped my weight problem as much as I wanted to because Obviously I ate more than what I weight lifted and did all that other shit I ate more than what I weight lifted and did all that other shit What it did for me at the time something I didn't know is and especially useful for you and other young comics is that Guys being a comic has some great benefits, but one of the benefits is doesn't have is There's no health benefits from it right Nobody has said you get healthy from being a comic, you know and if there's no health benefits from it.

Nobody has said you get healthy from being a comedy. You know, and there was a time when I got up to 418 pounds and I remember why I was at the peak of in love with comedy. It was starting to jizz. I was booking roles, whether they were co-stars or guest stars, or one day it doesn't matter. I was booking roles. I was moving ahead at the comedy store. People were looking at me a little weird now.

I was booking roles. Now comedy club owners were looking. Hey, I saw you in that movie. You were pretty fucking good. You know, even though I was a in that movie. You're pretty good, you know, even though I was a garbage man or whatever the fuck I was. And I was so enthused at that area that food wasn't, when I think about that time in my life,

I wanted to write it in the book, but there was not, it wasn't, it was, everything was about stand up. In 2000 2000 from 2003 You know from 97 to 2000 fucking 9 my whole world was always stand-up But from those that time period I just you know when I moved to LA I was 236 and also I a sudden I found myself six years later being 300 pounds, 350 pounds.

By the time I shot the movie I was 400 pounds. I was maybe 397 when I booked that movie. First week on the set I gained 15 fucking pounds. Grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream, you know, fucking pomegranate juice. So sometimes the comic, you don't look at your health. Now I still remember going to Miami with Rogan and him knocking on my door. I'm hungover. And he's like, come on, we're going to the gym.

And I'm like, what? And I would basically go to the gym and do three exercises. I have to go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I don't know, it felt that I was always running. Thank God I did a commercial and some guy talked me into losing weight. And I'm gonna tell you something, I'm happy he did. And I'm happy I went to Weight Watches. And I'm gonna tell you something. I'm happy he did and I'm happy I went to Weight Watchers and I'm happy that I started working out because it took a lot of the edge off

the stand up. When you're a stand up comic, even in the beginning, you change. You have a different edge to you, you know what I'm saying? You and it's not healthy. Every time I go on stage and start yelling suck my dick, you know, you know, that takes an effect on you You know, you can't be zack Della Roach, you know Fuck you The singer okay in the name of love, you know from rage against the machine I was listening to that song today. I'm like, he just put two minutes of yelling into that. If I did that, I'd just kill over on stage. I have to resuscitate me. They have to do the fucking whatever the Hanukkah, Nuba and everything else.

Tommy's pretty rough and it takes you down a weird edge. And if I learned anything from Joe Rogan, when we went on the road and that motherfucker would tell me workout I Would look at him like he had three heads listen I don't know about you, but I go on the road to get my dick suck do drugs dope and what daytime television What's this fucking looking at you at it? But when I added to working out it changed me as a comic it gave me more control It gave me more confidence on stage.

I'm looking better. Plus when you start doing more time on stage, once you do two shows a night, you're gonna go back to your room and go, I'm sore. My legs are sore. My ankles feel sore. Something I don't know what I did to my lower back because you've, you've been in hell for 45 minutes Right now people don't know I know it because once I got my whoop watch

I did a couple those Sony shows and I was doing spots and point pleasant and if I did a 45 minute fucking Set oh my god the whoop would go up to 20, 20.3. I go, what the fuck? I would see it in the activity and I go, what did I do? And I go, oh, shit. I wonder if mine is, because you have so much more energy on stage. Like you really fucking get into it. And it's not that I'm like quiet or anything,

but it's more of like a, I don't know. I wonder, I would be interested in to see what mine was. And that's one of the no, I don't know. I like I wonder I would be interested to see what mine was And that's one of the things that I I tried to explain to people but I couldn't and I'll explain it to you now since you brought it up Energy on stage I had Doug I don't have a lot of good things going for me I'm not the best guy I'm not the best writer, you know my neck smells like yours. I got problem. Yeah, but one thing even though I don't eat hummus, but the hummus got

One of those fucking Arabians shot me with a fucking hummus pistol. Oh, I went that one thing I've never had a problem with was get the party started Which was energy. Yeah. And I once told you that Mitchie sure used to make you do three minutes. And I used to go, what the fuck? Three minutes. Then I realized when they three minutes is an audition. This is the teacher how to get the party started quicker. Even when you're in front of you want to learn how to get the party started.

There's some people that's not their style. And understand that but I always want you to have that weapon How to go up there the first three minutes. She's just ripping them back It's like hitting somebody it's like hitting the punching bag to the body You just ripping them boom boom and then I breathe them and then they finally go what the fuck is this now you introduce yourself I'm Lisa at the Jew Jews You know That's correct. Were you good? Were you naturally good at that or is that something you had to learn? It's something that you see and if it fits your style then you run with it. No, I'm saying for you personally

I always like Lenny Clark style and the danger field special Mm-hmm the way he came out You know, can you can you download that there? Can you show it? We probably can't I'll watch it people can watch it. It's the Just hurt you on comedians, but yeah, we can't show that I don't think but You know it was really. I saw that early on and I was really impressed with the way he came out with the blue suit on and the whole thing and Everybody else on that show was very good and they were all great comics, but Lenny shook you a little different

And that's what I wanted to do. You know, I want to and they all sudden Mitchie show up presented to me. I And that's what I wanted to do. You know, I want to, and then all of a sudden Mitchie Shaw presented to me. I do it every once in a while. I came out naturally four times a year. I remember I had to be mad. I'll never forget that. I worked the full weekend.

I was dating a stripper at the time. You know, we had been dating for like three, four years at the time. And I worked all weekend away. I did a one nighter. I made the most money I ever made as a comic. Five seventy five, you know, something like that. Back to her place, even though I didn't live with her, I live with Josh and she's hit me

with these fucking bills. Like you wait here two weeks ago, you gotta pay gross. So I ended up giving like 300 out of the fucking 575. You know? And then she cooked something and we got to an argument. She threw me out. And she threw me out an hour before the open mic.

Okay. So I walked into the open mic with like a half a suitcase. I'm furious. Cause that was my Coke money. I used to live in my office at that time. I lived in the office. I just gave him money. And I'm not getting nothing for that money.

Yeah, I gave her a stab and then, you know, we did some dirty things, but, you know, and I never forget going to the club and just going off About that or it was just the energy from a whole situation For fuck like a professional that I had that tape for a long time. You know, I hate tapes this tape was something When I when it was coming out. I was like, holy fuck, where has this guy been? And then it went away for a long time. It went away years.

Then I got to the comedy store and I saw Stan Hope do it from the beginning and it's a fucking gift when somebody could do it. Nevermind, the best is when you roll with it for eight minutes and go, whew, I still got 28 minutes left and I only got 15 to do. I got a great set going because you just improvise for eight minutes about the weather, something to happen on the news. Right. I don't know. Just about energy.

Right. So I don't, I'm just about energy. Like just about the energy that you bring. So when I moved here, and I was evaluating myself and I was just doing a podcast and, you know, I was withdrawn from the Xanax and I was going through my own personal struggles.

I remember somebody at the store, I asked somebody, doesn't matter who they had gone on the road for years and got a TV show. And they came back and I knew this guy way before. And he was a great comic. This guy, when I saw him 20 years later, I was like, what the fuck happened there? And then he showed up at the store one night and did a set. And I asked Ari about it. Ari goes, you know what happened? He got older. He couldn't jump around like that anymore. Oh, his energy went from 110 to 20. energy went from 110 to 20.

Damn. I didn't think about that. So now, now it's like John Jock Machado for anybody who doesn't think they understand this. John Jock Machado is one of the best black belts in Jiu-Jitsu and he maybe has three fingers on one hand. He was born with a birth defect. You know, it's one of the best jujitsu guys in the world. Yeah. And jujitsu is a lot of feet, but it's a lot of hands. And he learned how to work with it. That's why I went back to jujitsu, because of that same inspiration. Yeah, I got a fucked up knee and I'm 60. I'm a lot slower, but there's something

I could do that I could be good at I could learn how to submit you from Halfguard or I could fucking learn how to you know power pass and squish my opponent whatever There's different ways to adjust to your game and That's what I have to do with coming now because I can tap the same energy to open up with to grab you But I'm not having at the 20 minute mark to pick you right back up out of that fucking But I know this going in what what do you mean? Do you mean like you won't like if you did it because you we talked about this a lot even before I started doing comedy Go if I hold on stage now how I did the comedy store five years ago, right?

I'd have to take blood pressure medication before I went on stage. Like when I go off, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I go off like that, it's not going to work. Two shows. That's why you have to think about all this shit because as you get older

Or whatever you get wiser, you know, there's some people who read the Bible and go I'm never gonna work dirty again They throw away all the material and people don't even go see him anymore because we don't want to see the boy again fucking douchebag We want to see the guy that was falling all over the stage and you know Snorting coke and getting DUIs and that type of shit. Right. So like, oh, so you're saying like you're kind of not totally reinvent, but like your energy is going to change now. There you go.

You're still going to have energy, but you're going to put it in different fucking places. You have to know where it's going to go, where it's going to peak, where you're the strongest at, you know? And I could go there and be a gavone and go, I'll do two shows knowing if I throw my heart out for the first show, I'll have a headache for the second show and I won't be able to do shit.

Then the second show gets who gots, they get dick. And I don't wanna do that. So as a comic, you gotta be self-aware of that. Was I aware of that when I was doing comedy my fifth year? No, I don't want to do that. So as a comic, you got to be self-aware of that. Was I aware of that when I was doing comedy my fifth year? No, I wasn't. So be self-aware of that. OK. Self-aware that styles change.

What you're doing right now on stage, Lee, is not going to be what you're going to be doing on stage at the 10-year mark. And I'll be honest with you, it's definitely not what you're going to be doing on stage at the 10 year mark. And I'll be honest with you, it's definitely not what you're gonna be doing on stage at the 15 year mark. But I was doing on stage at the seven year mark, no, the nine year mark which puts me at the store at 2000. And when I was doing in 2005,

we're just a little tiny better. When I went on the road for the longest yard, I was horrible. Like the foundation was there, but the headliner wasn't. And it took me a couple of years to see Ralph. He got rest his soul. A bunch of guys that are dead now inspired me. Greg. Teraldo.

Teraldo, I went to see him and he was a phenomenal headliner. But I could see that they just didn't go out there. They went out there and they had a plan. Even if they improvised, they have a plan. You know, I found out years later that Robin Williams would have, even his improvisation, his stolen jokes,

he'd have everything right there, the joke. He'd have his improvised set there, and that's what made him that, you know, it's like the great Willie Barstana told me that if you look over your notes before you go on stage, how much you look through them is how much better you'll do. Preparation is everything sometime. Last Wednesday, I just got my car and drove down there. Okay. Then when I drove down on stage, I just got my car and drove down there. And when I got on stage, I was lost at the eight minute mark. I had the energy,

And when I got on stage, I was lost at the eight minute mark. I had the energy, had everything going, but I got lost at the eight minute mark. Had to throw a couple old jokes out, not from the comedy store days, you know, the ones I fuck around with the last year, year and a half. And when I got home, I remember Willie Barcetta saying, always look over your notes.

Sometimes I would go against that just to make me think. Right. I would go fuck my notes. I'm gonna go down there just to activate it. And I used to work at like a 75%, 70% rating. Now it's not there guys. I would love to tell you it's there. And especially if I get stoned before my set,

it's not gonna be there like it was. I think you got to a 70% rating because like, and even higher towards the end, because you did it all the time. Like, you're like, there's no way you're going to have that same rating right now. I had been doing comedy three-ish years, maybe when I stopped for COVID and I took a year and a half off. And even I saw a difference. Like, I can't imagine. I know you are probably way more prepared than I was. But of course, it's not going to be like right where it's supposed

to be yet. It's just really crazy what you think about. And I enjoy watching young comics now. Mild professionals, guys that are feature acts and stuff. I enjoy watching those. I'm learning from watching them. You know, it's like people go, well, when you go to an acting class, I only get one scene a week. Yeah, but how many scenes do you watch? Oh, I never stay to watch anybody else.

Well, you're throwing your money away because you're going to learn from the teacher what mistakes they're making and you're going to make mental notes. That and that's when my game improved. When one night I said to myself one night every improved when one night I said to myself one night every every weekend I'm gonna go see a comic I didn't go on the road Every Thursday night I either slept snuck into Brea Irvine or Ontario I would call the club manager and go hey, this Joe Diaz And he wake up slip in the back door in park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you wanna do a guess it? Not at all.

I don't want nobody to even know him here. I just wanna walk in the back like a consumer and sit in the back and fucking watch comedy. And I would make notes in my car so I could pay attention to the comic. And anything that I saw that was outstanding, I would make notes. And again, that would inspire me.

You know what I'm saying? Like that would really, I'm watching a guy. Yes, I was funny, but I didn't know how to mend it and put it together. And I didn't know the high points and the low points and headlining. There's just so many things and being a good headliner,

but nothing I want you to worry about right now. No, I'm not worried about it, but I do, because I think about it when I watch specials, like when you were going and you were taking notes, please don't think I'm asking you if you stole jokes. But like when I'm watching specials, sometimes I get worried, like I'm gonna write something based off of what I heard and like that's like stealing. Like did you,

was it hard for you to like draw that line or like what were you looking for? Well, I, the first three years of comedy at the first, no, 93 to 95 when I got the Boulder, after I came to New York and I saw Leguizamo do what he do, I was always a fan of stand up, but now I had, I had a broaden my horizons. At that time, I knew about Hicks, I knew about Kenison, I knew about Andrew, I knew about a lot of them, Townsend, Lenny, you know, fuckin' Louis Anderson.

I knew a lot of stand up comics, and Lenny, you know, fuckin' Louis Anderson. I knew a lot of stand-up comics and the early 90s had so much stand-up on TV that I knew Felicia Michaels. I knew another guy from the store. I knew a couple guys when I got to the store, just from the MTV shows and evening at the Improves and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. When I moved to Boulder, I just found a hobby

in watching stand up. And let me tell you something, I was not impartial to anyone. I watched everybody. I didn't have an opinion. I just watched it to learn the different styles when people paused. Just stupid shit.

And one of the sets I fell in love with early on was Joe Torrey as a warmup on Def Jam. The Def Jam All Stars. He was so great in that warmup that I studied it. And one day, six years later, I bumped into him at the store. And Ellen, do you talk about it? No, I went, I went right next door to,

I stood next to him and I did the bit. Really? And he just fucking looked at me and he goes, motherfucker, I don't even remember that bit. Really and he just fucking looked at me and he goes motherfucker I don't even remember that bit. I go dog. I Watched that over 150 fucking times That's one of my favorite bits till today It's a genius bit that you can we say it or do you not want to put it? Yeah, he says that

He's talking about you know his family And he goes I got a brother who's a save the whales type of motherfucker You know, he don't like guns. He don't like this and then he goes me on the other hand I like guns. He goes. I just bought a gun. He goes. I can't wait to use it He goes in fact every night about 2 a. AM, I go to the ATM dressed in a tuxedo. And he goes, I make believe that I'm going for the thing. And I turn around. You know, I forget what he said. Give me the gun, give me the gun or something. Nobody's that was ever there. It was just a great executed joke at the time.

You know, and it really inspired me. I really liked Bill Hicks's HBO performance. You know, I loved Kenesons. There's no food in the desert. Why do you keep growing all that shit here? You know, there was just so many things that were so outlandish that I Not communicated with you know, but I related to yeah, okay. This is gonna work out for me These guys are talking the nonsense that I like

Andrew Roseanne That was my core prior, you know, so now what would you ever watch? Like, um, and I know, I think I know the answers. Yes. But like you, all those comics are like, I can see a similarity between you. Did you ever look at like a clean comic or like a very like family friend? Like, was anything like that that like inspired you early on? Mm hmm. No, no, I knew family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family,

family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, family, game to me for somebody who just goes up there and talks wack but it's very structured I love Bill Burr yeah my second favorite is John Mulaney now you look for me and go why do you like John Mulaney I aspire to be I aspire to be something like John Mulaney I didn't have the discipline except to do coke like John Mulaney which also Because yeah, I respect them like I respected Joe Montana until I found out he did All those years I got pissed off at that motherfucker, too. I thought that might make you like him more. No

No, but I have somebody like that in the pedestal, I don't want them to be saints, but I don't want them to fucking kill themselves. Right. That's special. That last he all of us of millennia specials are really good. But like how he took through like his like overdose and go into rehab and like his entire special was on one topic and like just hit every angle angle every part of the journey He made a very dark thing and he pulled the Tom Brady

He got rid of one freak and had another baby with another one. You know, he sure did he didn't Never come across to me like that So I don't care about his personal life like that But it did bother me about the coke because I love the guy. I don't care about his personal life like that, but it did bother me about the Coke because I love the guy. I don't want him to end up fucked up. You know, and if you get fucked up on that one time, there's a good chance you'll get fucked up again

at some other point in your life when you're not paying attention and you got 20s flying out of your pocket. Yeah, I mean, he talked about it. He, that's, he talked about it. He did. That's what I talked about. I fucked up at 30 and stopped at 44. I didn't really have a comedy career to hours 50.

Mm hmm. I did a bunch of things then, but I didn't have a career. But for me to pull that career off, I could have not pulled it off with blow. You don't think so. If you like, if you think if you had money when you did blow you wouldn't have been a good comic Well, you wouldn't have gone to that point Repeat that like I'm just trying to think of like If you had John Mulaney's career that he had when he was on coke you couldn't like that wouldn't work when you were doing coke

His career Oh, yeah, you're just saying like you couldn't do coke if you had money like if you were doing Coke. His career. Oh yeah. You're just saying like you couldn't do Coke if you had money. Like if you were a successful comic at 35 and making money like that, I would hate to be a junkie at 35. Cause that would take you for a nine. I had nine more years left at 35. You know, I was doing it at Bad Bones.

Can you imagine it with six million in the bank? Wow. Couple hotel rooms around town that people give you, you'll pay them the extra thousand to get you through the basement. You know, the chick comes dressed. What's that? He told a story about telling his accountant

to not give him money anymore. And so he bought a Rolex and then immediately sold the Rolex for like half of what it was worth to then go buy Coke. What do you do when you're a junkie dog? That's what you do. That's part of your day. Party of day is thinking about how you're going to get money for tonight. Right.

So it's great. But the other part of that is you're taking away time from writing Yeah, that's a half out a half of your day that you're not fucking right Where are you at? So Buffalo was good with Josh. Buffalo was amazing And where you at this week beautiful this week. I'm just doing open mics next week I'm hosting at the Providence comedy connection Look at you. Who you hosted for? It's it's a someone I don't know. He's a younger guy. I strode something. I think he's very funny

He's big on he's big online, but the club booked me. So that was nice and then Yeah, I'm doing I'm really excited. I'm doing Tom Herrera's podcast next month. Okay. When you go to LA No, I'm just I'm doing it like this like we do. Oh, okay. Yeah, I gotta give him a call. I owe him a call man Every time he calls me I'm sleeping or I'm doing something with the kid, you know, so I owe him a call Maybe I call him tonight. Well, it was great seeing you Great to see you buddy Great chat tonight. I feel good except for my little fucking headache And we'll put this together next Monday is my birthday. So I know

We recording on your birthday. We are recording on your birthday. Do you want to we'll talk about it? But that's really cool. Yeah, on my 61st birthday, so I'll fucking have to put a candle in my ass and jump up and down sideways or something. I love you, mother. Give yourself pink mouth. Love you, buddy. I love you, mother fuckers.

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