Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz is in a 40-year war with a magician

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Welcome to 2024! Joey and Lee talk about Joey's ongoing 40 year war with a magician from Aspen, Joey getting ready to do open mics, and comedy on New Years Eve. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.

Greetings Uncle Joey here. It's Tuesday, the 2nd of January. The check-in is brought to you by on it. Listen, on it's been there with us for 10 years and I love them. From the alpha brain to the shroom tech to the shroom tech immune. They have so many new products. Well, how do you know? Go to audit.com right now. If you see something you're like, press cocoa, Diaz, whatever, and get 10% off. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. I forgot what the code was seriously, but it's either cocoa, you know, Uncle Joey or Joey, you're going to get 10% off, delivered right to your house. And it's a great way to start the year with some alpha brain to get your tip top magoo, get your focus back on to help you be the best that you

can be. Speaking of being the best that you can be, this episode is also brought to you by Fuji dot G, whatever Fuji G dot com. Listen from day one, I've used the Fuji G, if you thinking of joining Jujitsu, and you're a little bit of a big dude, go to Fuji. They got the G for you. They got a nice A5, a nice A6, the belt you'll wrap it around your stomach like 14 times and it still falls off. Why? Because youcom, tell them Uncle Joey sent you Diaz, Joey, Coco, try off of them. Get 10% off your first order on Gis. The fucking Gis are tremendous.

The superado, they got some Gis dog light training Gis that'll blow your fucking mind. Go to Fuji right now. And without further ado, let's get this party started, Jack. Where's Lisa at at? I love your TV's run for your lives. It's over. They can put you on this planet just to get up. I thought, well, Joey, you could do it.

I could fucking rule the world. I think you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to Shuriken! Happy New Year, Cox Sucker! We did it another year! It's crazy! 2020 is... Dude, 12 years ago, the church... Fucking crazy in September. 2012. 20 fucking 12. It's been a long fucking time, brother. But happy New Year, 2024, happy New Year to all the people that jump in with us one day a week. It's going to be our year cocksuck

is this morning when I woke up. That's the first thing I said to myself. I don't think about years, I think about like how I feel and I'm ready. I'm fucked, let me tell you something. This is the hardest holiday ever. Why? I could live to be 200, I don't know. Like, over and out, like Christmas Eve, Christmas day,

I wasn't feeling it. I was fucking bored. I, I don't know, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the morning, I was in the know, that was it. I was just bummed because I couldn't wait for today Well, I watch it I couldn't wait, you know people wait for Christmas day and they can't like last night I couldn't even fall asleep. I fell asleep at 2.30

After that because there was a honeymoon of fucking Marathon that started 11. Oh nice I got home at like five after 12 and fucking started watching it. My daughter got home about 12 30. We watched until about 2 30 and when I woke up this morning it was like the people went on strike in LA woke up on the strike was over like as usual I woke up enthusiastic. I took the beat. I took the blue bird to happiness would knock on my door with 25 Gs today or something I thought somebody would call with a job but nobody called nobody came over I didn't see the fucking mail man thank God the Greek diner was open I got up early and I

went and got two fucking eggs that I want to wake my wife up so I went down and got some eggs you know it's just one of those years where I couldn't wait for the fucking holidays to end. You know, like from a, a comedian perspective, wait till you start getting heavy into, see that's the good thing about comedy. It never shuts off. Right? Like I already saw ads this morning for people who are doing big weekends this weekend. Like they're already out and fucking going full speed. And I was there. I know exactly what that feels like.

But I always like to, since the beginning, I've always liked the acting aspect of standup. Like it gives you a green light to act. Like, and I felt like I could have done one more show this year. That's it. That I don't know who I was listening to. I was listening to a podcast and they talked about doing vision board. There was a well known comedian and I can't remember.

Maybe Ron Funches. What do you talk about doing vision board? What's a vision board? So I actually ended up doing it. I haven't finished yet. I didn't, he, like some people like print out pictures or just putting like what you want, like sort of like goals, but like visualizing it.

And like, actually had, I actually had my girlfriends do kids do it and they fucking like did like six of them. It was cool, like it was it was cool. Like is that something you're going to put for next year? Like a certain number of shows you want to do. Well, I would for me, when I first started trying to motivate myself when I was a a football and junkie.

I remember like a 19 before I went to prison, I had a picture of a test of Rosa on my wall and I'm like, that's what I want. But I felt that as I got into the books and like Anthony Robbins and stuff, I felt that you have to write the path how you're gonna get that. Anybody can tell you they're gonna be president in the United States, tell me how you're gonna do it.

I'm gonna be a councilman for two years that I'm gonna run for May, I'm gonna lose, but then I'm gonna get this job and then I'm gonna do that and then I'm gonna get this job, and then I'm gonna do that, and then I'm gonna bang my receptionist, and that's gonna set me back. It's, that's what I like. I like going, okay? This year I'm gonna do 300 sets, even though in my neighborhood and Boulder, I could just get a 16 sets a month. That's if I did every Tuesday open mic, every fucking Mexican restaurant that Margarita place in Colorado at the time, it's still there, they don't do comedy though.

The Irish bar, the Australian bar on Monday night, I was doing 16 sets, I wanted to do 300. Right now I'm resting on like fucking 200, 190 or something. I got to figure out how to add an extra 110 sets and I figured out that I had to drive to Wyoming. You know, I figured out that I had a drive to fucking New Mexico one weekend. Or you know, whatever was on to the side and guess what that's what I did even if it cost me money to do those sets which they always do I wasn't getting paid right I always went out to Greeley more and next thing you know I was at 24 sets then I'm at 26 sets I could never

break 26 then I moved to Seattle I was getting 35 the first month. Nice. You know, so I always want to see the work. You know, I always want to see for me. I like the visual. I like getting on, I like being on stage and then calling your name, not even like them going, Joey Leijas got off. The MC is going to do an announcement and then is going to bring you up. And you go by the curtain and before they even explode a laugh, you're hearing a laughter. I do that. Yes. We all do.

So I borrow from both philosophies, you know. But that was my writing down stuff. For me, I still believe in the power of the pen. You know, so who the fuck knows? Nobody, that's a good, because when I did it, it would have been good to like, think about more, and I did for a little bit of it, but like, actually the planet, I was like, okay,

like I put down one of mine was to write 20 minutes. That's easy. And I've just been slower, I don't know why, and I'm hoping I can write more. But like I did think about like, okay, that's like not even two minutes a month. I can do two minutes a month. Well, you know, books should look like this.

I wanna do 20, I wanna write 20 minutes every quarter. Every quarter, Jesus. Yeah, you got four. If you listen, if you write 15 minutes a quarter, you're gonna have an hour. You think about this. Now that I know this, I'm gonna give you one of the tips I'm gonna write in the book.

Okay, by the fourth year of comedy, you should be writing an hour a year. Did I do that? I wrote about 45 minutes. And at that point, nobody was watching me so I could save material, try it different ways and stuff like that. But this is my advice for somebody in the fourth year of comedy, third year of comedy. Once they got their feet under themselves,

they write, yeah, and listen, this is all part of the fucking drill. You know, I used to write when I was on Coke. What a waste. I'd wake up. It was horrible material. But if you write 10 minutes of, you know, 15 minutes of quarter, for three years, that's three hours. By the time you're doing comedy, you're seventh year. You really have three hours. Even though you're doing 20, 25 minutes, it doesn't matter. You're fucking stocking material. So when you do become a headliner, you're working with four fucking hours a week. Like Steve McGrue, Steve McGrue was an amazing guy to work with because he had four hours of material. That's Josh Wolf, when you see him next time. Next time you open up with Josh Wolf,

you work with Josh, ask him about Steve McGrew. He's a comic from Denver. As I was starting, he was blowing up. He was the original Red Neck of Fucking Comedy. Oh, shit, okay, I've heard you've mentioned him before. Oh, he's a brilliant performer, a brilliant writer. How he didn't become the King of Comedy. I'll never know. I'll never know. It's one of the greatest questions of all time.

But that was his claim to fame that he unloaded on you. I remember one week I did a week in Buffalo with him. This motherfucker had seven different hours. But I just went with the dirty show and he came out with 30 minutes of dirt that would have made me look I was embarrassed. Bob, you know, how many years was he in at that point? He if I I started in 91 and I finally got to work with him in like 98 and Buffalo 97. We met briefly we had the same friends in Denver for comedy and It was just amazing to work with that fucking guy It was really and you know now remember I told you in the book. I'm gonna write regrets what I That's it That's it

That's it and that was my marriage to cocaine If I wouldn't have been married to Coke, I would have done it that way. But enough about me, I want you to tell me about your new year's eve experience. Your first, how many years have you been doing comedy? I Around four with Kalei took a year off of the COVID-sausage four. I started in 2018. So I'm getting into my fifth year, I would say. That's pretty fucking good. I didn't do my first New Year's, so I was doing comedy like nine years, eight years or something. I got, no, I'm the only idiot that got robbed on every fucking New Year's, but anyway, how is your New Year's experience?

So good, awesome, man. I got it off, it was the first, it was really the first time like a major chain had offered me a gig like like some other comics that brought me in and I've done a lot of really cool clubs But like this is like a like a a chain of clubs. This is the first time that they asked me to do a gig and It was New Year's Eve with Sarah Colone, which is because I produced a podcast with her and Josh 10 years ago and It's awesome that like it was great to see her. And it was just, I was kind of bummed. And then, you know, not bum,

but everyone was posting these New Year's Eve shows that they had I didn't have one. And I would've had a great New Year's Eve. But I don't know, I don't even know why, but when you hear Listen to Comics talk, they hate New Year's Eve, but it's also like an honor to do a New Year's Eve show. It's like a lot of comics, I think, and so just for me, it would have been, it was an honor to do one.

And it was three great shows and it's here. Like I got to go to Syracuse. It was a great fucking weekend. It was, I was happy for you. Thank you. Thank you. They brought me back to them. I got like my first new years and how excited that was and how great it was.

And I ended up being the bag of decks, but that's completely, well, you did tell me. I just knew the excitement late. Oh yeah, I couldn't sleep. I was just, now that's what comedy's about. That's what it's all about when you're actually missing sleep

because you know, when you called, tell the people what I told you, when I called you like five o'clock, and you were like, I'm getting ready to go now, I go, if I knew anything about Lee. He would have been there for 30 already. Yeah. Oh, fuck it. You would have a gig at eight. You get there like a five 30. I'm gonna go up there that make you feel barely and drive around and see the town. New Lee was that anal that he was gonna be an hour earlier to you gig, which is a

great trait, you know, but that's what I tell people. Excitement, if you're not fucking excited about something, it's not going to happen for you. There's so many fucking elements that, yeah, there's hard work and there's writing and there's going to classes and everything, but if you're studying to be a pharmacist and you have no excitement if you're not talking

Like when you ever go to a pharmacy, they kind of like flat people pharmacists Unless you know for a while like once you buy like medication to get crabs Once they know you got a bike in the problem to open up to you a little bit Once they know you got a viking and problem, they'll open up to you a little bit. Is that from experience or something you've heard? Right, you know, experience. They're not the most social people in the world except my, my pharmacist, Christina, but, you know, there's no excitement.

You know, when you see somebody excited, they excite you, they excite a team. If you're working with plumbers and you're doing a big result, a big commercial job. And I'm going in there with three old farts and two young guys, and one of the young guys is always singing this shit torturing the old guys

about not getting no pussy with their rotten wives and all this shit. At first, he bothers you, but at the end, he's gonna tell you about shit. Like, what'd you guys do this week? I'd sit at home and watch football with your fat, thug, and wives. This is what I did. I got my dick stuck with an umbrella over my head.

And, you know, they just tell you shit. And after a while, they'll show you the positive, you know, something positive. You should come to a class with me on Tuesdays. It's fucking boxing class or something like that. Anything. I don't even know how we got in this conversation. The edible is kicking in. You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah. I was dying laughing thinking about someone saying that like a meeting. I have to go back to my day job, Maro.

And I get to imagine someone walking in. I got my dick sucked in. Yeah. People lose their mind. What are you going to do? Yes, the truth. You know, people want the truth. Then they don't want to hear it. They have a fucking audit that. But news like news. It's just exciting, man. There's a comic. Listen. My first all the way and I'm fuck.

just all the way and I'm fuck. It took me 14 years to take a week off. You know, right? It took me 14 years to take six weeks off. By the third week I was dying. The only thing was I was so enthralled in the longest yard when I went to New Mexico, there was no open mics in fucking Santa Fe. And I was driving to Albuquerque, that club down there is kind of funky. And I remember how I felt, but it was a relief because I remember that for those fort from November,

from June of whatever 91 to April or May or whatever June of 2004, there was never more than three nights off, even if I was sick, even if I was sick, I was getting rid of the temperature to be healthy, but I was getting rid of the temperature because I couldn't wait to get back on stage and snorkegoat. It was all on the package plan, you know what I'm saying? Right, but that's part of it. That's why I'm so excited on the first. That's why I'm so excited on Mondays because you have to be excited.

Even if you feel shitty about your job, if you go in there with a positive, you know, and let alone when you get into something that's yours. You know, people say, you know, and not let alone when you get into something that's yours. You know, people say, you know, I got into this and it's not working out. Well, what did you do? And then you hear what you did. And you're like, you're not excited about this. Excited is, you're not home.

If you want to be in a band, you're not home. You know, Monday through Friday Saturday, you're not home. You're coming home from work, you're taking a shower, you're eating home. You know, Monday through Friday, Saturday, you're not home. You're coming home from work, you're taking a shower, you're eating a fucking bag of Cheerios and you're going to that club to either perform, help out or be a spectator until somebody throws you in a band or gives you a tech job or takes you on the road, whatever. This is the same thing with comedy. It's the same thing with being an artist.

It's the same thing with being a artist. It's the same thing with being a photographer you know You have to be excited about what the fuck you're doing. You ever work with somebody and they show up and It's like 15 minutes to get going 25 minutes to fucking start talking. You're like come on guy This is the shit you do on the drive to work But it's also like even just, even just in life. Like I get, and I'm all, because I notice it, I think,

because I'm very jealous of it. I don't have like that, like I feel like I'm a friendly person, but I get, some people just have that, like whatever it is, just like super positivity, super energy, and like you do a lot of times. Something like you can be very quiet, but you also have, I think you can turn that on.

I love saying hello to people. It's when they want to have a conversation, I get depressed. You know what I'm saying? Like I love saying hello to people. I was eating the Saturday night. I went to get like a ball of pasta at my spot and a two-o'-lady's came in and the lady looked over my shoulder. She goes, that looks pretty good. I took the bread dish and I put some spaghetti on it. I go, give it a try. She froze.

I'm thinking, how can she taste it? She goes, nobody's ever done that. You know, we don't fuck around here. Remember the night when I tortured that chubby girl at the steakhouse, Christmas Eve, we went to the steakhouse in Burbank and the guy put us by the bathroom and that's something to her and she came out

and she was like, all excited, she gave me a number. She got to be like 65 years old. Well, because we were sitting right by the bathroom and you would just bring up like start conversation with everybody watching, and I was like a group of all the like some guys were just like what are you doing where you got this group all their ladies and yeah I think you you have this thing with women like it's not like you're hitting on them but you just talk to them in ways like I don't think she's ever been talked to like I don't remember exactly what you said but yeah she came out

and like had a piece of paper for you right there, like a card, what was it? I remember that, those are stoned. I'm gonna call them, it's because if you ever lonely as some shit, I was like, what? You were right there, I was like, what? You dropped the cake and shit.

Fuck, oh Jesus Christ, that cake. But I still, I, you know, whenever I think of New Year's, I think of New Year's 2000. I'm sure I did New Year's before that. I just can't remember. I probably did New Year's at the store one year, yeah. But I had never done New Year's out and my gig was Miami, which I had just done that July for three weeks and just leveled the room at a great time. Audiences were great and they wanted me down there.

I like the 28th or something. But I couldn't get down there to the 30th because I already had a week in Michigan. I had to take a bus from Michigan to Miami. All right, I pretty much get to Miami on the 30th. I get off the bus. I take a cab to where I'm staying. It's a condo right across the street from the coconut improv. And I put my luggage down. I'm hungry and I need an advance. And I need to get a gram of blood. So I'm going to go over to the comedy club.

Monday nights was African-American night. I forget what they called it. Sugar Monday is a something. I forget the host. The host is a great guy out of South Florida. He has like a host circuit down there. And I get to the club, they let me in. It's fucking jam-packed.

And I'm not there five minutes. I look up and it's Madonna and Chris Rock. Everybody was Miami for New Year's. Holy shit. All right, I don't, uh, Chris Rock went up, I remember getting in advance, I remember getting a piece of rock. I remember going to the flapper bar around the corner

of the swim bar and going to the flapper bar around the corner of the swim bar and Going to my room and being enthusiastic about New Year's Eve. I got coconut my system to get high and my girlfriend was down there at the time with me She bought like a beautiful gown. She thought she was a lizard the fucking daler You know, we were getting ready to do a great show. Oh my god. Lee first show I go up there. I went out there too cute. I went on. What does that mean? I went out there too cute. I was thinking that I was in front of a regular Miami audience. But without knowing, I realized after the show that there are New Year's Eve audience, the Miami improv at that time was 70% Spanish and 30% everything else on New Year's Eve. It's 90% Jewish Historical and tempered they come down from West Palm Beach and they dress up nice and the whole thing I Went up there and tried to be a little dirty, cute, and talk Spanish. Lee, I have no reason to lie to you.

I lost them at the six-minute mark. Oh. And there was still 19 minutes on the clock, Jack. Fuck. And you know that thing, all I remember about that night is, don't let them see you sweat. Right. They saw me fucking sweat, Jack. Did you get them back at all or it was

six to twenty five. I'm the second show came. I wasn't strong enough at the time to overcome the beating. I took the first show. I never received myself. I did better the second show. I made the adjustment and kept it a little cleaner and you know, I was also, it was a two-man show. Wow, okay. So I was the first and they saw. I'm not the first thing you want to see. And I know this going in. Even back then, I'm not the first thing you want to see. And if you're running a club, you made a mistake by putting me in that position. Really, I knew you as he fits a different audience. Give me a beautiful woman, a chubby woman,

give me a woman, when a dress on, she'll do a lot better than anybody else. Warm them up, talk to them a little bit, slow them down. A guy with a tuck seat out, everybody does that. I want to see a woman. I don't care if she's an opera singer part time. I don't care what she does. I want to see it do 10 minutes and then bring the gorillas up. Right. And even then on New Year's, if you start with a magic act, you'll go a long way. Even though white magicians on stage, I want to be outside the building.

I will not go into building until the magician is off stage. I'll end up like those people rock just the last night, some terrorists to crash in, because terrorists don't like magicians either. I'll tell you that much. I love that. If you go with something you're training camp right now, they got to pick people they hate, Jews, you know, they got to picture a fucking

whatever we call my traditions. Yeah, they don't like my traditions. Well, that's another reason to hate her mom. I love, I actually like magic gets me, but I also love how much you hate it. Well, I don't know why you hate it so much. I was like, it's hard for a you hate it so much. I was like, a car tricking you, but he'd get so mad. One of the greatest jokes I ever connected with,

and I didn't even look at it that way, was Jerry Roach's joke about doing comedy and Texas Arcana. He opened up for a magician at a bar. Okay. You ever hear that bit? It was one of the best bits I ever heard. And he talks about that the magician went up on stage

and people started yelling blast for me and fucking the Bible and all this shit. The devil was on stage. And I forget the bit. I'm not doing it any fucking whatever, but that's so, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

Me and magicians, I just never clicked with them. You know what I'm saying? The best is I got a war going on with a magician. So what do you mean a war? War, it's a fucking war. This war started in like, oh 1985, 1986. That's how this is gonna last long in the Hamas war. And when he has it, huh? It's like all, 30, something years old,

he's had a 40 year world of the magician. Yeah He even made a YouTube tape about me So this predates comedy what happened with this magician You don't remember that whole thing when Jimmy Schubert was telling us that he made a video and then I found it And he's like, I can't I I can't talk enough about Joe D. He's the worst human being in the world. He robbed me. You don't remember that shit?

I don't remember a lot of the church. All right, so. I got to look, I vaguely remember it, but no, I don't remember this video. I was 19 year old gangster out of Jersey. I'm living in fucking snow mass village Colorado. And they gave me a job My buddy was the head chef and he says to me Joey, you're a muscular dude. You like steak. I go, yeah

He goes, why aren't you coming to watch dishes on Tuesday? I'll give you fucking 10 pounds of prime rib and then you could steal Whatever you want in the way home. It only pays 75 bucks or something. I'm like yeah You know, I did it one day a week, but then it was fucking a great job. I was not embarrassed to say that I love dishwasher. I would get high, I would put music on the back, and I would just load up the fucking dishwasher and spray it, get nice and wet. The whole night I'd be eating, I'd take breaks,

I was a lot to go out and smoke reefer. I came back in, if I wanted a lobster tail to do, would make it for me. So I went from work in Tuesdays to like Tuesdays smoke reefer. I came back in if I wanted a lobster tail to do with make for me. So I went from work in Tuesdays to like Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then they asked me to come in a daytime and prep one of two days a week. So I would go in there,

they were training me to be a sous chef. Yeah, I didn't know what was going on. I had an opportunity and I would go in there two days a week, but in the daytime you're in there alone. So you were allowed you go to the bar and put ice in the soda and fill your own soda. This guy did a trick. You know those fans that spin around? The bar had two fans all around.

The place would pack up during ski season. It was John Denver's restaurant. What did you expect? The thing would spin around all night. He would go up to the people and say, I could do a magic trick. There was like three magicians working the room. Oh, he said, great little fucking bar. And they had great food.

It was like a five star restaurant. It was called the tower. And every night the guy would go, I'm going to put a, he would come out with a deck of cards. And I'll bet you whatever you want that you put your money on top of the card. I put a thumbtack on it. I could throw it up and it goes up in between the fans. If it stays, keep your money. But people will come from all over the world and drop $50 bills, $100 bills. There was no five to tens there. This is 1983. $20 in 1983.

It was like a whole fucking Chinese meal. Right? So I go in there one day in the afternoon. And I noticed that one of the ceilings is lower. And I was out like that. So I would jump up high and take like a 20 or 50 off the ceiling Worked like 50 or 100 hours, you know, I would take down five 20s and shit 250 allowable then there was an area where it was just 100 dollar bills I Figured out fuck. I don't need to jump. I got a fucking I'll stand on top of a bar stool. There was no cameras then and I take like 200 300. It was all going into my criminal bank role that I was coming back to the East Coast. I was just preparing. This one on from fucking November to like January.

Jesus, why didn't he leave all that money up there? At the end of the season, he would take it down and he'd break it up with the other magicians. There'd be like fucking 30,000 each fucking magician. And that was fine. I ain't mad at you. But if you're gonna leave your money exposed, you got people like me walking around

You have cameras in those days they had nothing So for fucking three months Lee, I would go up there and I whatever if I had a broomstick Sometimes I go in there and make believe I was fucking sleeping Stop a yardstick now One day I went back to New Jersey and the end of the theft. So he, in his mind, he goes, this guy disappeared, you know, so he wasn't sure, but now I go back up to 85. And actually I go to the bar one night and I actually pulled like a 50 off.

I'm just hanging out with like some guys and I go, fuck it, I used to do this all the time. I took a 50 off and I told somebody Somebody with me they repeated it and then I left there I went back to bold and they said I forgot about it I forgot about it This is fucking 2010 Somebody comes up to me and says that they went to the magic castle, right?

It was a guy that it was a big time magician and asked me. And I said to the guy, this is named Doc and he goes, yeah, I go, oh, shit. He goes, that guy is great. I go, no, no, he's great. But I can't believe that guy's still alive. So I had not at went home. I was living in Hollywood. I went home and I actually called the magic castle

and they told me that this guy lived, worked there. And what times he would go on and what nights. So from then on, every time somebody told me that we're going to the magic castle, I'd say ask the doc and tell him Joey Diaz sends his love. Okay, and every time somebody would go in there and go Joey Diaz sends his love, he'd go tell them please to go fuck himself. He robbed me. He robbed me for thousands and they would go off on and the night

See the people we play they go. What'd you do that guy Joe? D. Is he's fucking furious? He's old. He's still fucking cursing your name Girlfriend and shit So we just this just went on I just kept sending people. And the manager at the comedy store goes to the magic castle a lot. So every time he went, he tortured the guy, yo, Joey Diaz sends his love. Yo, Joey Diaz sends his love. They got then Jimmy, then Jimmy shoot Jimmy Schoom is the only magician that I love. But I would still bust his balls. Like, if I went to Jimmy Schoom it's asking and he had the pigeons out, I'd thumb the cover on my, I don't want to see no magic

fucking pigeons. I don't think he has pictures of his house. Yeah, he had two white birds at his house always. When I first got that light and I would go, whining up two white birds and he goes, I use those for my magic hack, magic hack, but if you've never whine a coke out there and tell me the story, I didn't know about the magicians here. Oh, I can't even know why the coke out there and tell me the story. I didn't know about the magicians here. Oh, I fucking I love it. So you ready for this one Jimmy Schubert gets a job at the magic castle. Okay, and he's actually there one night He doesn't know that me and doc got a riff He's standing next to Doc one night and some guy comes and he goes, are you doc? And he goes, yeah, Joey Dears sends his love.

And Jimmy says his whole body language just changed. And he ran into the back and slammed the door. And then he threw something at the wall in there. When he came out, Jimmy said to him, what's going on with you? And he goes, that fucking Joey Dears, do you know him? And he goes, yeah, he's my buddy.

He goes, he's no good. He robbed my money off the ceiling and shit. And now he has the goal to send people in there and send me his love constantly. Why are you tormenting this guy? Because he fucking started saying shit about me. If you're that stupid, that you're gonna staple your money to the fucking ceiling. Guess what? I'm going to

take it. I'm going to take a break. I got to go to better health now. Give me two minutes and we'll be right back. This episode of the checker has brought to you by better health. Listen, you don't want to walk around another year, half who bots walking around. Confused. And right now is the time of the year when you're making resolutions. Don't forget to give yourself some credit for the great stuff you're already doing. Therapy with BetterHelp is an awesome way to change bad habits and celebrate good ones.

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I wanna see her and she wants to see me. I love better help. I was looking for about eight months and Listen, I'm a lot better today. Work through your problems with somebody who has been picked just for you while sitting on your own couch on your time Celebrate the progress you were already made in 2023 and make 2024 a lot stronger go to bedahelp.com and press in DIAZ. Today and get 10% off your first month. Listen, it's January.

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All right, let's go back to do what we would do best. We're back bitches. Anyway, no more talk about magicians. I got a little upset there, you know what I'm saying? Sorry. It takes me back. That's my bad money. That's all right, brother. It was an interesting New Year's though.

I expected people to blow up in New York City, not that, you know, they had the dogs out. There was a Palestinian fucking march, but they told them you come down here, we're just gonna fucking shoot you. That's it, not tonight. Take the night off. Go smokes and fucking reefer. I feel that you know where the fucking stuff. You know, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. My family and I go to

this church. I don't even know if I want to tell you this story because I don't know. I might sound wrong the first week of January but I got to tell you anyway. We go to this church close to the house. Very nice people. The singer at the church is his gayer's at $3 bill and he thinks he's fucking you, Brennan. He's got the head, dude, a whole thing. He comes out singing with a scarf and shit like that.

I would tolerate it. I go to my family. I would tolerate it. You know me, I go to the early mass, seven, third, I'm gonna get it over and get the fuck out of there. It know me, I go to the early mass, 7th, 30, I wanna get it over and get the fuck out of there. It's not like I go to church a lot. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you guys,

I go to church a lot. This is four times a year. I get the urge and I go with my wife, my daughter. If my daughter's in Russia, you know, then I'm going. She's only been in Russia like three times this year. But anyway, somebody said, I was talking at one of the parent functions not really a friend of mine like a person that I'd say hello to the Quaint and

I heard this guy say the strangest thing which you know automatically set me off He goes, you know, I like going to that church, but the gay singer fucking bothers me Now you know me Lee. I'm a fucking gay advocate. I love guys banging each other in the ass. I love more of the whole fucking Eric Rocher story. And if I'm Eric Rocher for president, you know, I've always loved it. I don't care what people do. It doesn't bother me. But there's a time and a place for everything. I also grew up very Catholic. Right. He was saying up very Catholic. Right. He was saying that the guy bothers him.

And I go, and I tell him, I go, listen, I don't hate gay people. But I know me. I got two best friends for the fucking gay and then a barnyard cat. I got two nephews. You know me, dog. I'm open. But everybody should stay there.

Place. I mean, this gay guy comes in and he tries to sing operating shit. I'm not used to that. I'm used to old priests and fucking nuns that smoke Marble cigarettes singing fucking whatever the fuck they sing on Christmas Eve, right? Or whatever they sing every fucking Sunday. You know, now this guy comes along with his fucking olive oil voice and his fucking charm, you know, like Sinatra and the Godfather. And he's out there like glory, glory, the whole thing hope that you know my blood pressure is boiling. I thought you what I don't know a fucking decent gay guy listen gay guys like to sing and I'm right

But I don't know a decent gay guy that singing it ate in the fucking morning He's polishing his asshole from the night before he's fucking taking the chains off from his ankles from hanging up right there I don't want to see this guy in church singing at eight and a fucking one. There's no decent gay guy There's up or they jumping up and down singing barb is trying to answer They're all up the next morning taking the glue off that nutsack the fucking candle wax off their asshole They're getting ready for the week. They're replenishing, they're doing liquid IVs, they're doing fucking IV IVs, they're doing it all. You know, I don't want this guy in my church singing.

I don't need this shit. I want a regular fat dude who looks like me that can't sing. I'm happy. I even throw in the extra 20 to fucking stay extra. And you know, whatever. And I got nothing against gay people, but this guy's like one of those gay dudes that thinks he's better than regular gay dudes.

That's the other thing. Like this guy's probably hasn't had a date in like three years because he, I don't like the gay lifestyle. Fuck you, what you need is to go on fucking Eric's website, whatever the fuck it was called. More men, what was it? Oh, boys, oh boy. Boy, he's a hoi. Get picked up by some fucking UFC fighting, get fucked in the ass.

He won't be in church singing no more. I ain't fucking the morning. He'll be out there living the lifestyle, you fuck. Anyway, no offense. I don't know if they're coming off the bat. You know what I'm saying? My fucking right. I had to come out of my coma. It's been fucking three years. Lee. And I had to come out of my fucking coma man over the holidays. I'm living my life wrong. I you know what? And here's the thing for people. Sometimes when you're living, you think you're living your life right?

life right? Okay, sometimes it grows on you. I'm not. I've never. When this is what I was struggling, this is one of the things I was struggling with, because I noticed something over the holidays and shit before the holidays started. I'm not the type of motherfucker that I wasn't cut out to be home from six to 11 at night watching TV. Right, that's five hours in my night. I don't have that. I could watch the news for 10 minutes. I want to watch the weather and I want to see what's going on and fucking is real. I want to see who's playing tonight. Everything else I could care less about. You know, I don't watch an episode of fucking

the show with Kevin Costner. It's always fucking on though. Yeah, it's still. It's been a marathon on. I can leave and they're killing some Indian. I combine, it's late and they're stabbing the same dude. It's the same. And I don't mind.

I love the show. I love the show. I think the show's brilliant. But I'm not cut out for that. So I made a decision. I'm going against the cut here. The last year what I do is I go against the cut little by little. I make, because I know in my mind that baby steps

become big steps, right? So that's why I went to the city for jingle balls, you know? That's why Gomez hit me up today when I'm gonna do Legion of Skanks. I'm gonna have to go on the Adam one day night and drop knowledge on that motherfucker, you know? I like I missed those guys, you know? Right. I got caught up and trying to be this dad that I wasn't. I love it. I give her all the attention in the world. I keep the lights on for her. And I'm here for her. We do things, and we go to the mall, we go eat. You know, we do things. But I need a little bit of my own life back. I don't want what I was doing before, not at all. I don't wanna do eight podcasts a week or 22 shows.

I downloaded open mic things in Jersey. Nice. Monday through Friday, they also have like a Facebook page. Yeah, absolutely. Every city does, yeah. And I was looking at different things. There's a couple of them close to my house. Nice.

You know, and I'm gonna start that guys No schedule hit this place on them Tuesday at the tonight. That was a one But by the time we get there, it's an hour drive 45 minute drive by my house. Why grew up in not Jersey Yeah, you'll find I'm excited for you. Yeah, I just want to go up the shake the rustler No money. If I can't do ten of those, then we're going to fucking put up the white flag and we try. We're moving on. I'm going to join the fucking band as a drummer or fucking starch singer in Spanish.

That's it. That's that. Listen, if you can't do that, you don't want to do what you're doing. So explain that to me. Let's say after five, you're like, I'm fucking back and you want to maybe get a spot at a local club. With that counter, you want to, or you're like, listen, I want to do 10 open mics. I want to do 10 open mics. I want to feel like I did. I want to feel like I did how you sounded on Thursday. Right. Understand me. If not, if I'm doing it for a paycheck, that I'm not really doing it for my heart. Again, we're going back to the labor of love. Right. That's why I love Rudy Sarsland. In fact, I got to give that cock suck a call.

I wish him a happy New Year. I gotta give that cock suck a call. I wish you're happy to hear it. I think he sent me a text two days ago. It's the truth. This is what I gotta go through. I'm excited by writing my books. Do you have what do you want to do this year? My goal is 20 future weekends. That's my goal. That's why I want 20 what? 20 like weekends on the road. That's

amusing. You could do that. I would love to be able to, it's looking like that. I'm gone. I'm off the first week, but then I have like six straight weeks that I have shows. I'm so excited, but it's by this time next year, I'd like to be able to have like a full feature calendar. Well, that's next year. That's where about this year. Right. Let's load it. That's why I figured half.

Let's load up on the idea of the 10 minutes every three months. And putting up and putting up a seven minute video every 90 days, one in 20 days, you know, every 90 days, one in 20 days, you know. You know, one thing I'm going to write about in this book, I got like chapter nine is one of the big differences between me being an open micro and you guys being an open micro is the influence of social media and how much open micro is anybody at any level is a comic we feel we need to be on social media. And yes, I agree with you. But as a comic and as an old school comic, I want you to work the basics.

I'd rather you spend 90% on stand up, you know, wholeheartedly. I'm not worried, like I told you, I'm not worried about headshots. I'm not worried about headshots after two weeks you're in the wrong market. Cause I could be my own photography, you know, I could be my own photography. I was thinking about that. I could just go to comedy clubs and go,

whoa, I can make you a star. Joey D is here, I could take your picture. Right. It allows pushing a database and keep rotating your pictures as you change because that's what you really want to do. As an actor, comic, you want to keep like my MBB that pictures 10 years old. Ain't nobody going to hire me. When I show up looking like this, they're going to go, what happened to him? Right, fuck. But it doesn't matter that age or at that level. That's

what you're saying. For stand up for now, nobody's going to call me and bother me for a head shot. Right. Like I didn't get a head shot, I moved to Seattle. That was 95. That was four years in. We're now, so we're wearing up the two weeks, they need a head shot. There was so many things and they just distractions. And this is, and I think I already know what you're going to say, but I was talking about this with another comic this weekend. What is your opinion on features and opening acts having merchant? The world is a rough world. And everybody needs to make a living. Everybody wants to make a living. How has deterred me, a fucking junkie, was deterred from selling merch in the beginning?

Because my roommate, when I first moved to LA, I had a friend that sold merch. And he didn't tell me about his weekends. He told me about how well he did with his terrible videos selling stupid t-shirts. Right. He was making as a feature act, not even a funny feature act. He was pulling out a thousand a week selling stupid stuff, but he had become a businessman instead of a comedian. Right. You want to sell, you open up a fucking bodega. You don't have to go all the way to fucking the Seattle, the self fucking T-shirts, you know?

And I just, it just takes away. I'd rather you learn how to be a fucking comic than worry about, because if you're gonna come to me every Tuesday and go, dog, I sold 55 hats this week that said, take a shot. I'm happy, you need the money, we all need the money. But I'm gonna see what you're taking away from. You're not coming back

telling me Joey that fucking Joe that I told you if fucking worked. Oh my God. And I added a tag to it. And I did this. And while I was there, I talked to the club owner and Cleveland, he told me he was going to hire me next time on me. And I could just spend the weekend at his house and then work the week. And I could save on a hotel. That's not what they were telling me. Right. They were the biggest thing was their profit margin on the merch and dog. I'm a businessman, but at that level, we don't need fucking businessmen. And I'm gonna tell you what, today I went for a ride this morning when I got up early and my favorite vitamin shop was open.

They're the best people in the world. They've been there for 40 years. They're part of a network. Like, if you need something, you go to this guy. I don't tell you what doctor to go to. Like, he hooked me up with my acupuncturist, who I've been with for three years. Okay.

I went in there today, and he told me, because we're packing up at the end of the month. Oh, wow. Yeah, he goes, it's not worth us having a location no more. Everything is done so much and just mailing. He goes, I had 25 customers that moved away after the pandemic and they still buy from me. They still call me all the way in Jersey.

They call me from Florida, South Carolina, Michigan. They still call me all the way in Jersey. They call me from Florida, South Carolina, Michigan. They call me from all these places. He goes, since the pandemic, I go online once a week and talk about something. I've got a hundred thousand followers that listen to my vitamin talk and they all order stuff from me. He goes, I'm going to eliminate the $7,000 a month. Fuck yeah. And I'll do this out of my garage, with my son, we'll redo the garage.

He goes, I gotta have a garage look like fucking Times Square. Instead of paying seven grand a month, the 20 grand, my garage could look like Times Square. He lights sound boards the whole fucking thing, you know? That's awesome. My point is, I always, the whole fucking thing, you know. That's awesome. My point is, I always like the website sale. Okay.

It removes, listen to what it removes. It removes the contact between you and the person for right now, which you're not looking for as an MC. Because when you bomb as an MC, what do people say to you? You did a great job, Pete. You did a great job, Lee. And then they look at the MC and they go, Oh, you too, you did a great job. I don't want them out there. Really? I don't want him out there. I don't want him out there for his own ego. Interesting. And you interact. There's a problem when you're a

feature act. I know three guys who let that lay over this problem. What's that? The people who come up to you after a show and they'll go, Joey, how you doing? Great show. And then they'll go, Hey, Lee, how you doing, man? Great show. And then when I'm not looking, they'll bow into you and they'll go, we like you better than him. Right? People do that constantly. I don't know why they don't know what they're doing or if they just want to, you bombed

and they want to make you feel better. I knew a comic that came home once and went off on me. This was like longer brother. I love this guy with all my heart. We haven't spoken really. I mean, we talk online from time to time. You know, he did this. He opened up for a huge comic. He went from doing clubs to doing fucking little arenas. Oh, I said, okay. And every arena, and this guy was very talented and very fucking funny. And he could write, this motherfucker could write. And I knew he was, he had this talent, but he didn't have the talent that this other guy had.

This guy had. This guy had him by 20 years. Guy still, I'm big time comic. The guy that I'm talking about, he's moved some way. I don't know what he's doing anymore. But the particular one guy just blew up at me one day and said, you don't understand. When I opened up for him on the road,

after the audience tells me, they came here for me instead of him. And I couldn't believe he was saying this to me, but then I had a couple of club owners call me and go, did your buddy hit his head on something that is safe for a lot of his head or something. He just called me demanding me for five grand for a $15 a week Telling me because when he opens for the big guy People tell him he's funny in him Crazy

Just think that was a sales pitch What's that like that was his pitch like people tell me I'm And this is me and you knowing each other like I worked your club as an open micro and now one day eight years later I get a bug up my ass and I come to and go you know what I went on the road with this guy and even though you're featuring me the only way I would come back is as a headliner and you're like pro are you serious? Yeah. I've been on the road with him for a year. He does 10,000 people a night, you know, 80 nights. I have

this huge following. And this is what you're going to pay me. And he goes, but I'm not going to be able to sell that as a credit. I know a thousand openers. Yeah. Come here. And they've died because, you know, and I remember myself when I used to work with Rogan There was a period when they would make me headline Wednesday Thursday Oh, that was a bad line Friday Saturday Sunday I would sell 18 tickets a night Did not didn't see me did I see right? Did the club expect you to sell tickets?

Where they just, like, they're developing me. They made so much money on Rogan that they took a chance. They just went because I was going to feature that. I was there all weekend. Or me and I would go ahead and line. Right. I remember those shows. Yeah.

So it was always, uh, there was a system Lee. And I believe in that system. It's a system. And that's just me. I could be wrong. Who the fuck am I sitting in a basement doing a podcast with you on a Monday night? You know what I'm saying? What do you, do you have a plan for the open mics? Do you like, do you have jokes you've been working on? I'm like, what are you? Because it's fine. You don't really like five minutes, is it going to be tough for you? I can, I talk to my sleep for five minutes. Well, then nothing, nothing you can't talk, but that it's so short. No, five minutes is perfect. Okay. I just want to listen. You know what the best thing is when you run in your house and your decision is whether you want to pee

or write that joke, you thought about on the drive home. That's love for something, you know. There's a certain thing that you get and don't get me wrongly and you know this is true. Up to the pandemic, I worked harder than fuck. I wrote, I moved my material around. I all the thought myself sometimes with the process

and the process was a lot easier. But I always work very hard on material. I always stress to my agents that I wouldn't go to the same place every year, just so those people would not see me do the material. Even though the money was there, I wouldn't go. I'd rather go somewhere else. That market's already built. You saw me twice in two years. Now it's time to spread my wings and go write some new material and come back to you in two years. That's a tough decision for a lot of comics. I know decision because I never wanted you to see

nothing bothered me more. My first two years working with an agent and you don't know what are my geography fucking major. I don't know what nothing is and they would put you like in and they would put you like in something, whatever Ohio and Columbus within three weeks, date no Ohio and Columbus, I'd wanna shoot myself in the head because let's say you did Dayton first, right, but at the time you got to Columbus, it was the same people that were in Dayton

and you didn't know it till Friday night. You've already done three fucking shows with that same stupid material. And you notice people who were at the other shows. And that's why every show is always different. Me at least a little bit. The closure has to stay where it is. Right. That middle arc has to stay where it is. But that beginning you could jump a little around. You know, it's not like I'm fighting to win them over. They really know who I am. So there's always strategies here. You know what I'm saying?

Comedy is a strategy. Stand up comedy is always gonna be a strategy. And you only think about it. Whether it's a two minute open mic, a five minute open mic, well, 50 minute headline and routine, what hour and a half had line of routine? I am never not, you know, when I call you,

I don't even call you before the show. I call you when I know you're there. Right, it's just that funny. I know you're there because you're a professional like me. After you look at that stake at two o'clock and you go back to your room at 3.30, you ain't leaving till game time. You're like an animal inside a room and they're just like walking by with a stake.

You got no clothes on and you're in a cage and they just walk and buy with that stake and you're like, ah, what about that room at 7.15? When you're in that shower, you try to bang one out. And nothing comes out because it can't excite you. Because you're too excited for comedy. I mean, you can have a girl in front of you. You're trying to bang one out of the fuck and dirty. And the next thing, you know, Boboom, why? Because you're so excited about the comedy.

You can't win. I get out there and fucking kill him. And then walk there as an MC and I'd bomb because I would go out there like an animal. They wanna be greeted, they wanna be welcomed. I went out there to kill him to tell him that the kids are fat because he ain't peanut, see that? You know.

That's a real joke, kill him that joke. Foul, but him that joke. F*** you. It's crazy. It's really crazy, the psychology behind the standup, but I don't want a comic from the first of 50 year comedy to think about that or 60 year comedy. No, to think about writing material and going out there and being the funniest

they can every night. So I actually hit that written down because like I've noticed that's the bottom fucking line as a comedian. It's the bottom line as an electrician. It's the bottom line as a weatherman. No matter what you do preparation is the fucking mother of everything, right? It's right. I mean, it's a thing in everything guys. You just have to make different fucking adjustments. You know, if I want to load trucks, it'd be the best load. I got to be there at six in the fucking morning or whatever. The fuck they load truck.

If I want to do comedy, it's tough enough that we got to come up to life at 8 o'clock at night. Most people get up in the morning, drink coffee and go to work at 8. We got to fuck him. Sometimes get a job, drink, go home, eat dinner with grandma, make sure the dog is walking, and then go do two sets, which you're on a list. Right. They're wasting time, but you're not wasting time.

You're watching, you're mounted shut. You don't know nobody, nobody knows you. You don't wanna know nobody. You're just watching them, observing the room room and that's what doing it is. That's what being an open maker is and I want that feeling again. I didn't want to perform without that feeling again. The way I felt at that theater in New York, which I love, those people are fucking solid people. And I wish I fall in love with it again so I can go over there and fucking, you know, continue my commitment.

I got it for a love, man. It's funny that you just eat like you're going to open mics to fall in love again, though, because like, open mics is rough. Like they can be great, but like they're also rough. I don't want to walk into a place where people want to take a picture with me. I don't want to walk into a place that is I'm walking in, there's a hundred tickets sold, and people are clapping. I got to make believe. I don't want to do that.

I want to pop into a place girl, can I do five minutes, get up there, take two pictures of the comics, and tell them, listen, just cause you got a picture of me on Facebook. Doesn't do nothing. You still got to get up here tomorrow night and do comedy at the pizza joint.

So they ain't no fucking pictures. I'm a communist dictator. Right. This is, I'm really excited for you. And I think it's gonna be great. I'm really excited for you. I think it's going to be great. I'm more excited about writing a fucking book with Erica. I'm so excited about we start this week. Tomorrow we're going to talk and set the schedule.

We're going to go over the outline of the book. And I'm putting what I tell you in a fucking book and more. Like this is, I'm excited about this. You know why Lee? Fuck the story of my life. This is a book that every time a comic wants to do stand up, this is one of the books he'll read. And I still have to do better for me than any joke, any club I ever worked in my life.

But that's what I want to do. I don't want you to walk into a comedy club and see a picture of me on the wall. There's no comedy club that even have pictures of me on the wall. I'd rather you buy the book 20 years from now when you start in comedy and go, wow, this guy has a lot. And by that time, cardio change again. You know, cardio change. Comedy really hasn't changed. And like, what is your opinion? I guess I was going to say, I don't think going back 30, 40 years, comedy has changed too much in theory. Like, do you think it's, I know the parts have changed,

but isn't it like just open my post feature headline? Like, no, I'm talking about the evolution of a comic, the way the comedy scene has changed. Remember when I got into comedy, I got into comedy three months before comedy central started. Oh shit, okay. All right, I got into comedy in July of 91 when the rumor was that comedy was all low-swing. Everybody was waiting for comedy central for it to get picked up again. Okay, so central was going to really pick up comedy and it really didn't away. It gave a young comics, the MTV comedy hour, improv, you know, you had six or seven outlets for stand-up.

We really don't have that no more. We depend on one. And it's got to be their approved stand-ups. You see some people that go in, but those are people who have great agents. I think that we're not for these specials and whatnot. We're not looking at the right people. We're looking at people that have already been blown up. We need to find the people that are looking to blow up, like what Rodney is doing. Comedy has changed in the last 20 years. Comedy has changed in the last 10 years.

And comedy has changed in the last five years. It's an art. Lee, it's always going to evolve like jujitsu, like fucking basketball, like fucking painting. It's an art. You're always going to evolve. You know, so comedy has changed. I've seen the difference, but you know what hasn't changed? Work, enthusiasm, writing, being yourself that hasn't changed. And that's what we're talking about. Right. So even in 20, 40 years, the comics will be able to, you know, listen to that advice.

And that's why I like, I love talking to you about it. I love talking about it because these last three years made me remember all that. And that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to take a breather to ask myself, what the fuck just happened? Right, you understand me that I wish I could break this down for the people at home and for young comics

and for anybody who listens to this fucking podcast that I gotta tell you something, man. I wanted to talk coma when I was, I don't know, 35, I was a struggling coma. It was one of those comas that you ate at somebody's house for a night to week with Joe Rogan boy, you were fucking turkey sandwich. I think that after the show.

And I just saw that no matter what was going on in my life, I kept shooting on to that comedy store, right? Not thinking about it. No, that sign really got him. Jeff Gellon. And he started getting me to auditions, right? A bunch of auditions. Everybody was saying no, no, no, no, no.

Then people started calling, hey, bring them back in. And then I wasn't getting a job, people started saying bring them back in again. And then he quit the managing business. I had to go with a different agent. And also I started booking. But it wasn't because I just grew overnight. It was because of the work Jeff Gettlin had laid on for me. Do you know what I'm saying?

So I forgot all these things over the year. One minute I was living in a fucking apartment with 10 cats. And next minute we're in the valley starting a podcast in our spare bedroom. Okay. Right. Then we went on a fucking, in my world that was a fucking blurb. Even when I wrote the book, I didn't really remember

much after 2012. We went into a deep, we met the fucking, because we busted out when the THC store is for fucking blossoming. Like when we started the podcast, there was a store on Lancashem that gave away bagels at seven in the morning when you went in there to get the Jewish guy, Boris, Igor,

whatever it was for you was a Russian Jew. You know, they would give away a lot of shit. We had a lot of animals. We had tons of animals. That's what people understand. It wasn't that we were junkies, is that shit was coming, I remember doing a show where you would say in the egg up.

In the American company. And we came out, the company of the cookies we used to eat. But what was the frosting on top? Yeah, I used to tell you there were 100, but there were really 200, and I would break them in half. And they showed up, and they gave us a fucking bag of cookies. I remember that. And we, you know, it was just a different time.

We were at the right place at the right time. And next thing, you know, I'm fucking doing a movie with Stallone. I had shot a good movie in like five fucking years. I started telling people, no, I'm not doing that. No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that for a hundred bucks, no more. And all of a sudden Kevin Hart with the fucking Stallone movie and that next thing, you know, I'm having a fucking kid. The next thing, you know, we're moving offices, you know, the next thing, you know, we're doing acid church with a four hour podcast with four fucking animals in there, you know, Lee, it just went fat. The next thing you know, we're doing fucking Matthew Perry dust, we're doing Academy with our friend that Sunday when I went home and watched the fucking true detective and almost had a nervous breakdown. And then we went through the pandemic, and up next year, I was selling off theaters,

and I was about to fucking do Rogan September at the garden. And this film movie was gonna come out 2021, and that would get me longevity. I would, you know, I'd go all the way for books that I cried, no, I knew it was part of the fucking game, but now let's figure out How the fuck did I get there? Does it like to me like when I was listening to that sounds like almost like a roller coaster Like just sort of like took off at one point

I like you like you were just doing the same stuff you were always doing, but then like I little got busier and busier and we went to the movies with a hundred people on Christmas Eve. I remember that. And smoked dope outside the building and we sat there for two hours and lots of God offer movie. I wanted to fold into the fucking chair. You know, we did it all dog, but I had to figure out how I got them. For me to move forward, I was fucking blown away. I was on the phone with people.

I was talking people calling my house. I never, you know, I was getting emails from people. Remember I wanted to see the mentalist? Were you with me then? When I went from an audition for the mentalist, right? I think that's right when we started. Do you remember that? I did Rogan a few times.

I went in for an audition for the mentalist. I'm not fighting like everybody else. It's rough. I get there. It used to be when the audition there was eight dudes. You knew two of them. I went to this audition. There was fucking 50 guys there

or reading for the same role and one of them was Steve and Bauer. You reading for the same role? Yeah, we all were. There was a bunch of fucking Cubans, gangsters, Italians were all reading for the same fucking role. And I get there and Steve and Bauer goes, how are you doing, Bauer? I go, you mind taking a picture?

I go, no, let's do it. I take the picture of me. I go, you know what? I got my camera? You mind taking a picture? I go, no, let's do it. I take the picture of me. I go, you know what? I got my camera. Let's take a picture. But this is before the podcast. This is how I got to know him, that audition. And we started talking.

We knew the same people. And next, you know, I go home and I go, look who I ran into for the audition for the mentalist. Okay. Now I was going there for some, I don't know, a one line or something like that. Well, that night, I thought I'd get home and I tweeted, I got a message. It's like the executive producer. He's like, hey, what role are you looking to do? Pick one and get back to me. And me, the asshole that I am,

I read, there was like three roles that were bigger than mine. That I was perfect for. But me, I don't wanna ask, I went with the role, and he goes, okay, report to the table read next week. And it's because you posted that picture on Twitter? Yeah, because he's from Grogany. And when I got there, he goes, Doug, you're great on Rogan.

Let's talk about the panties. Something, you know, it was always something like that that they saw me. You know, I was watching this thing about Brenton's DNA. Okay. How he got deliverance with some guy watched him. I don't fucking, I don't talk show. How he got deliverance with some guy watched him out of fucking

A talk show Some guy watch some of fucking talk show But I'm in deliverance and everybody was like you're wrong. That's the wrong guy. He goes I'm telling you right now That's the fucking guy So I know what the point of all this bullshit was but You know I just want people to do it the right way if they're going to do it. Like, not that I did it the right way, but I always used those three things we talked about. I kept writing. We were talking about the mentalist.

Yeah, the mentalist. They picked the small role. This what? You picked the smaller role. I took the smaller role and the guy gave it to me And it was just all because of that that's crazy That's because of the But for you had a fight for roles. So every once in a while you catch a break I don't know what the moral story was I forgot. I'm sorry Up with a thousand milligrams. And

today I did something different. Okay. I had to switch up the bomb because I work between three bombs. Okay. Okay. There's a morning one. There's a minute after noon one. And then there's a night night one. All right. Do they have names? No, no, we do night night. Is the only thing I I like night night, you know what I'm saying? But I want to do something different on the first.

So I took the reef it today, and instead of grinding it, I cut it with a siss and my all-time favorite. I left a little bit more paper on the fucking easy wider, the thin one. And I'm fucking roll two numbers. One of some 36% shit, Texas T. Yeah.

And some of some fucking. There was something else I got. Oh my god. 36% is crazy. 36% that Texas T. I mean, there's some very, I think the, I think we know it is, it's not that you get more stolen, they get more hungry.

Was it smoke? Yeah, I was 36% hungry yesterday. That was a lot of hungry. I love, like freeze pipe, I love them, but I, especially like quickly, like the joint is a little, is fun. No, for me, I got to switch it around. That's all I, but I don't like sometimes I grind the fucking Riefa.

That don't work for me. I got that separates that THC. I'd rather cut it with a scissor very thin, leave it chunky and roll them. It's a thicker joint, but it hits you better. Fwa, fwa, fwa. These don't dry it. Huh? These don't dry it out. I dry it. In LA, flaw, flaw. You still try it? Huh?

You still try it out? I try. And LA, you have a heater. I have like three different things, and then I rotate them. And there's a certain can that I use that dries it out real quick. And I put it in the wooden drawer,

so it dries it out real quick. And then I move that back, but at the same time, I got three other ones dry Like I never even saw you with a grinder. I remember you would just do it with like your fingers like it would be that dry Well, that's then then somebody gave me a grinder and I figured out I liked it But then I had to go back to Colorado 1983 snowmaz drill it saying? Cutting it with a scissor and fucking inhaling that motherfucker like I own this a gosh shop.

You, yeah! I love it, buddy. All right, what do you got this week, Todd, man? This week I'm off, I just have open mics every night. My next one is I'm opening for Josh Wolf at the Richmond funny bone, the second week of January. You know what, man, you're fucking beautiful. I'm proud of you.

I have no idea where I'll be. I'm just making a surprise attacks. And that's it. I'm really excited you're starting up again. No, no, no matter what happens, but it's just, I guess the last course I have. I need to change shit around. Ain't nobody gonna give me a job

and there's a security guard. He's a one of business, security guard. I know every once in a while I look at the one ads and I look through for senior jobs, like, you know, those dudes at f**king Costco. But then I went somewhere the other night and I drove by Costco and I saw some guy with a f**king bundle on his head walking through a parking lot and I'm like, you know what, I can't take that job either. I mean, like, because she's a job, like, welcome to Chick-fil-A.

to Chick-fil-A. Son days off, part time, a food allowance. They don't give you a food allowance. No, you get a card. Like Lisa Yatt needs $200 a month on a card. Chick-fil-A Christian card. I know he's Jewish, but you got to make exceptions to make the machine run smooth the time to time. I love it. I hope, well, I hope that doesn't happen. What's that? That you decide you don't want to do comedy and you want to work at Chick-fil-A.

Like, I said, Greena, for some good money, I'll go anywhere. Stay out. How you doing? Both for me, I'll go joy, which like, boys and that's what you should eat. Look at you. which way, boys, and that's what you should eat. Look at that. No, it actually would be funny to see. It's like boys and, you know, something like that, like a fucking a rails or a Cuban restaurant has big time. Maybe I'll go over to Vic this cafe and try to bring it back by into it or something, play the Congress drums on Tuesdays,

whatever it takes, just something to, you know. Jesus Christ, I don't even know how to play the Congress. I don't wanna go, I didn't have a very good, you know me guys, I'm saying the truth. I didn't have a very pleasant experience on JSX out of Westchester. The drive from Westchester from where I live was a little long that day, but let me tell you some guys for the extra doose and not waiting in the airport for two hours I

Stand behind it. I even went online. I saw some negative reviews and I was like fuck, you know I got let me give it a try and I got to tell you some both dare and back On time just bring it sandwich. That's why I'm telling you to give you like screen potato fries That's not gonna fly when I'm 3000 feet up in the air and I'm starving and I'm coming down off and fucking edible With some Malookey I smoked you know, so So bring it away. How so you would just got there like how long before the flight? The first time the flight was at 530 and we got there 10 after 5. And can you park right there?

Right there. Well, West Chessly suggests you get dropped off from a new book because sometimes the lot is too bad. Okay. Let me tell you something. When you land in Nashville, Scott, listen, you know, I get anxiety if I see a long walk, especially after a flight, I can't. My lungs breeze up or something. I can't breathe. You get off the fucking plane in 50 yards tops to the place. You walk in, they greet you and all of a sudden your luggage is right there. You pick it up and here's the beauty. You just give the lady a name and she gives you a car key and something to sign. The parking lot is tiny. You're not walking the parking lot B. You don't got to take a train with this fucking guy that looks like he's missing an eye, tiny. You're not walking the parking lot B. You don't got to take a train with this fucking guy.

It looks like he's missing an eye, nothing. You walk out there, your car's turned down, and your trunk is open. OK, you find. Some of the time, they got the air on. And if it's winter time, they got the heater on. Do you follow me, dog? And it was a douche, not even.

The fly there was five. If I were to take them on your night in round trip, it was a douche more not even the fly there was five if I would have taken them on your night in round trip it was five sixty okay on this it was six hundred bucks six times or something like that that's worth it it caught you know I 1300 1300 you people got some pair of balls how long are we trying it's an hour and a half that's a lot of money for an hour and a half yeah and then I tried to Uber but Uber don't have to whatever song with an Uber XL like doctors How was it like a lot less Yeah I have hundred bucks something no no no the difference was

900 bucks Wow Cost-wise me you know, I like to tip the dude. He's in the car with me for an hour and a half. He's going to have to inhale the fart at some point. I'm going to have to scratch my feet like John Candy and fucking train played. You know, I'm leaving some fun guy talking about Dustin and the front seat or in the back Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, and then you know if they got sometimes the drivers pick you up And they got the ear plug in they're talking to some guy and fucking Kuwait

And I start asking creepy questions and shit like when I thought you talking to me. Oh done And I confuse him. Make a lot, you know what I'm saying? Like, oh, I love it. I love you, buddy. 2024 is going to be a good year, man. It's going to be a financial rough year. You know, like people are going to fuck and struggle this year.

It's an election year. God knows it's going to happen in the Middle East. You know, and if you don't think that has something to do with you, it is. I guess there's no champagne next year. Why? Because the grapefroze is something like that and they can't make enough bottles of it. So champagne's gonna go up to, you'll be drinking more liquor for fuckin' a hundred hours and outs next year.

Like that. It's not disgusting. Thanks for your. It's not disgusting. Don't like it. I have no idea. Yeah, it's gonna be fucked up, but like, this is an effect. You know, like it never used to like, I'm surprised to hear you talk about it. What's that? I just like, you know, like current events.

Look, I'm okay. You know, I guess you watch the news in LA, I used to watch all that stuff. You know what, man? We don't have interesting current events anymore. Like they're all like either, you can even put humor to anymore. If so fucking pathetic, like there's nothing

you can even, don't trust me. I know how to add humor. Well, they do, your motherfuckers want to hear right now. You follow me. You know me, you know, and so it's kind of weird. Like, I don't know what's going on. Tell me so I could, you know, I don't want to fucking Detroit lines got robbed here. And I know, yeah, I know a lot of things, you know, I just don't want to fucking Detroit lines got robbed beyond that. I know a lot of things. I just don't know what's relevant anymore because no matter what we're gonna talk about, there's 18 sides to a story now.

But it's great. I never believed in, you're gonna turn the TBR at night at 7 o'clock. Turn the TBR and it goes from the news to, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I'm told him that was going on. I don't want to give it a take. I know what I initially feel. Like I saw a baseball player was having a relationship with a minor today. And of course, what did you expect? Their animals down there.

You know, it's like, yeah, me. He's Spanish. She's Spanish. You know, she know how to blow. He don't know how to blow. She's a... Jesus. You got to know.

My blows is not gonna be good. You're following me. Holy shit, that's so fucking crazy. He hit the end. Jumped to the whatever. Who? Like the product. Now player like didn't jump to quarter something, right? No, he's back and fucking Tijuana. He's done. His name is he's changed his name. Three times already. You follow me? He's gonna see the FBI, Homeland Security and fucking investigate and follow him. And by next week, he's gonna change his name

another five times. It's fun. Those Spanish people are slick. They just keep moving. It's a hundred and an ID. Pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup We got him at least I have we got him at Joe did you got nothing? He's on the run. He's got you chasing nine fucking people nine Spanish guys that last name Hernandez. How you gonna fucking figure this out? I love when he used to tell me there'd be like 800 Lisa ats in Mexico when I was date when I was in my ex family took your wallet It's all over the place. You like the fucking detective that walked into Mexico with the cat and they took his ID Prickson they sent it to the narcos. You're like open fucking season down there

If you go down that border right now, right? There's 10 Lisa. I was waiting online and I guarantee it not all of the Mexican There's got to be one like a fucking you know It's more people laugh for a spot. It's all my identity or more people now. We'll look what's coming in. There's like 10 least I answered be fucking crazy. You don't you ever go like a phone pay phone in New York City. Right. Come up to you.

Excuse me. Excuse me. You calling long distance. Why? What's the problem? I want to say you a calling car. It's the same thing. If you're walking towards the border, they're like,

Hey, how you doing? Let's go in this motherfucker first class. How would you like to walk in there as an American right now? Give me the small tent. I know, I know. It's hidden under your foot. Why don't you take it out? Those sneakers been on for 30 days straight. Take it out, pukin, wipe the rock, whatever the fuckin'

and then give me the tanda. I'm gonna give you a new identity, a social security card and insurance for your fucking car when the United States government gives you a brand new fucking kind of like, they're gonna give me a kind of like, yeah, they're gonna give me a kind of like, be a mean name. If not, you're not gonna me a guy like you need a name

If not you're not gonna be able to drive for 10 years 10 years. I got to keep walking man. We got an ID for your Lisa at And that's it Right now that's on the border going. I'm your fucking Lisa at gonna walk in there. I know fucking tall is in me too say I had to go to walk in there. And then I'm fucking tall as in me too. Fucking assholes. I'm proud of you for new years. I know you how hard you work brother. And I know you're a bunch of chats. We have fucking help because it makes me fucking find some

mantis. Like I said, I haven't been fucking. You know, we wrote a book together. We did a bunch of shit. I felt like I've been sitting at home in a fucking padded wall. I'm living my life. I felt like I've been sitting at home in a fucking padded wall. I'm living my life. I'm trying to be a dad. I just thought that the way it ended before I didn't like what was going on with my comedy. You know, I didn't like what was going on a lot of things. And that's why

the pandemic came in a perfect time. And now I'm a different person, so we got to fucking sit or get off the fucking pot. I say to people now I have to say it to myself, you know what I'm saying? Now if you don't mind, I gotta go drink some water and eat a little mushroom bar to watch Texas against fucking Washington. I think that's the game that's coming out, so. I love you buddy, it was great to see you. I love you mother fucker, happy New Year you. I love you, mother fucker. Happy New Year.

Congratulations. And hopefully I'll see you in a few weeks. I'm so I'm excited to be down there. And I'm just excited that you're doing it, man. You're I know you kept saying you were retired. And I didn't push. I'm not worth a retired. I never retired.

I was semi retired. I was thinking I'm breathing. I was semi retired. So but I'm just happy that even if you just do it in an open mic a week, because I love watching you do stand up. So I'm happy you're back. Worked out for me too. I got other plans. I'll give them to you as they come along my brother. You guys, thank you for watching. Have a great week. And now for a work my bad motherfucking sponsors stay black.

All right the show is over guys thank you for. It's the first of the year. I hope Lee and I both wish you a very, very, very happy new year. I mean, times that we said this to you in the last 10 years, a fucking lot, guys. So anyway, what are we talking about here? I want to talk to you about Fuji G. Listen, you're thinking about training your life. You saw the the chick last night, the stallion on the show. You're like, I'm gonna go join whatever the listen. You saw the the chick last night, the stallion on the show. You're like, I'm gonna go join whatever the listen. You wanna have contact with people. You wanna talk to people.

You wanna grow into a family. Go to your Wikipedia, I don't know Wikipedia, whatever, Google, the local Jiu-Jitsu school in your area. Take the free class, see what it's like. If you like it, go to FujiGee.com right now. Pick a nice gear out. The super rato. They got geese for under 100 bucks in a rock gear world. They even had a gear on special for 60 a couple of weeks ago. In a rock gear world. It's Fuji Jack. They got the mountain, the whole thing there. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Go to Fuji.com and get yourself a gear. And like I told you, either use cocoa, sorry, Uncle Joey, Joey, whatever. Take your pick, take a chance Columbus did. Also, I wanna talk to you about on it. I've been with them for what, 12 years now Lee. 12 years, and every January I go on my little alpha brain, fucking cycle. I blast off for four weeks. I drink water Tomorrow I gotta go do a blood test, but what am I telling you all this for just go to honor.com

That's where the party starts. They got shroom tech. They got shroom tech immune. They got electrolytes They have so many great new products for the rock your world, but it starts with you go to honor.com right now And again, take a chance, Columbus did. Go with Coco, Uncle Joey and Joey. Joey, it's Joey for on it. All right. Anyway, they don't have a website that helps you recover like, you know, your mispunks, Q's. Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you for giving us a chance again on the first Tuesday of the year. We'll see you next Tuesday morning. Tip top, McGoo. Stay Black. on the first Tuesday of the year.

We'll see you next Tuesday morning. Tip top McGoo. Stay Black.