Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz is still buck wild

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

The wildest episode yet! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the NJ drones, why Joey hates sommeliers but loves mace, why women love pop rocks and much more! Plus, Joey invites George Kolodisnky, his brother, on to the show. Joey and George talk about tormenting George's Grandma, Joey dosing George with banana bread, and George's friendship with Ralphie May.  Support the show and get 20% off your first Liquid I.V. order. Use promo code JOEY at https://www.liquidiv.com  Support the show and get your new 3-month premium wireless plan for $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/DIAZ Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat with code JOEY at https://www.AuraFrames.com Support the show, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app, & use code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. ᐧ  

What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with the church of what's happening now, New Testament. It's December 17th, San Lázaro's birthday up in Cuba. Let's get this party started, Jack. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Tuesday the 17th of December. The church New Testament is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, the holidays are always a marathon, right? It's easy to forget the basics like staying hydrated. I don't know who does, but keep liquid IV on hand to get you through the holiday parties. You know what I'm saying? Liquid IV has three times, not two, three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink plus eight vitamins and nutrients to keep you going, banging.

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I thought well Joey can do it. I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church. What's up you savages? Uncle Joe here with my little fucking friend Lee. He's got his feet up. He's waiting for somebody to bring him a Danish. Not tonight.

You know what I'm saying? I'd love a Danish on hot chocolate. Anyway. It was a great week. I'd love a Danish and hot chocolate Anyway Was a great week I got out there if you came to the stress factory You saw uncle Joey fucking throwing it down last week. I had a great time. Thank you very much for coming This week we got nothing. We got the open mic down an uncle Venice tonight and that's it. Then there's the holiday season. Get a life, cuck suckers.

No comedy. Go on YouTube. I make a comeback on the 26th. But what's up with you? Where were you last week? I was every, I had my first. Oh that's right, I saw you Friday night. Yes you did.

I had my first ever like little mini like road trip tour. It was awesome. It was really cool. I was in Red Bank, Wilmington, Delaware. I was in Newark and then Easton, Pennsylvania Dog I showed up with an ounce of shrooms. I left there with zero. No, you had stuff left two grams You were just eating it like it was nothing Oh, yeah every night it to you Josh Wolf ate a piece of mushroom that was at least eight inches long

Oh, yeah It looked like a thing in the Kentucky Fried movie when the guys, I don't know if you've ever seen Kentucky Fried movie, you guys are too young, it don't matter. It looked like a dick. It looked like a fucking dick with tremendous mushroom on top. I don't even know how I drove home then.

I was like fucking pissing. Whenever I eat mushrooms, I got to pee every eight minutes. You too? Oh my God. I pee nonstop in mushrooms. I got home, I was pee all All over my pants my shirt gave up I just gave up listen. I got out of the car so many times I gotta take the seat belt off and then make sure nobody's looking and I jump out and the dick is ready to explode and

You know, I had the bottom my sweatshirt I had to go home throw the sweatshhirt, the t-shirt, 62 years old, listening to this shit. But man, I couldn't stop fucking. It was a pissaholic man. But then I went home and giggled by myself. Really? Oh, it was tremendous. I didn't see anything, you know. Now here's what I didn't know. Because someone gave me like a relaxation pill. A relaxation pill? Yeah.

And it turned it off. I didn't realize that those turned mushrooms like off, off. What kind of relaxation pill? Allegedly maybe a Xanax. Okay. A small one, like a tiny one. But I've never, I don't take those. So it shut it off.

So I had one and then like an hour and a half, two hours later I wasn't, I was still a little high. Doug, listen, I ain't gonna take one of those But when i'm doing my mushrooms, I don't want to stop I didn't but I didn't We keep I keep eating them to see if I get back to that level nine You at that level relax put them away for the night And enjoy the devil. I heard that's what mushrooms you have to like if I take a gram tonight to get the same amount I have to take two net tomorrow night. Yeah

Yeah, but you're taking eight a night. Yeah, but listen, I didn't do them since Friday night. Okay. And then before Friday, I was doing those little stick men, not even, because I didn't have no mushrooms. The fucking, the mule showed up on Friday with some fucking tremendous,

I am set for the fuck, listen. For a week. When Santa Claus, and then my wife put lights outside the house, white lights. Oh, that's fantastic. I went outside, no, they're fantastic, no they're not. Not when you eat mushrooms. On mushrooms you don't think they're fantastic?

No, well at first I thought the police were out there, I didn't know. I'm like what, fuck, I didn't know. What, I cut somebody off? And then I looked up and it was beautiful. But then I went outside and my eyes got all big. Like one of those fucking, one of those shots that people do

that their eyes get all big. Oh Jesus Christ, what are those called? Botox or something like that. They're not botox, but I know what you're talking about when you're getting your eye test done. Oh my God, my eyes were fucking huge. Oh my God, I love that shit.

Like one time I was like I love I don't I don't drive on mushrooms But I love being in a car when I'm on mushrooms at night Oh And especially because they have big windshields now and you just drive and you just stare like people you think you were giggling at me? Cuz I just kept staring at my cup while Josh was on stage Cuz I don't know for his soda He would take the soda and go,

and then he would put it down and he'd look at it like a glass of wine. And I'm sitting there watching this, I'm like, what's going on with this fucking guy? You know exactly what's going on. And then I realized the mushrooms are there. And you were looking at it like, you know when these fucking white people

go get a glass of wine and an idiot comes around and gives that little and the guy Looks at it. Oh my god. It's bold just Fucking drink the thing. Okay Those people annoy the fuck out of you. You never do that with any wine. I listen if you do that my table You're getting thrown out of a table. I don't want no creepy people with a fucking thing Coming over making believe like we know what we're doing. What about the guy, he has that little cup on his neck that he walks around with.

Yeah, I don't want that guy, people spitting in there. You know what you gotta pay me to have a tub that people, and what is that? Oh, because they cleanse their palate with it. Listen. Yeah, they don't wanna get fucked up. You know, so next time you see a guy, say swallow my load, spit it out.

So when I come back tonight. See, I still got it it cuck suckers. Anyway the fucking big topic, you know listen, I don't give a fuck is the drones over in New Jersey. And they're right by my fucking house. And I'll tell you what, I haven't looked up in the sky one time, I don't give a fuck. I have drones in my head, you know what I'm saying.

Fuck can I walk around with drones I do it mushrooms edibles reefer all day what I'm gonna look up like a my mother told me don't look up cuz somebody always stab you don't look up but got a little bit huh what would you have done if you had like if this was like coke days and you saw drones flying over like I'm gonna fucking dumped that fucking Coke in the toilet, lived for an hour, and then gone out there and thrown a bunch of rocks at that motherfucker.

Jeez, and then they, I think they arrested some guy, I don't know if it was in Jersey or not, but like Walmart is delivering with drones now, and this dude, I think maybe it was Florida, didn't like it, like this older dude and he fucking shot it. You can't fuck with old people with a drone, dog. What would you do if you dude, and he fucking shot it What do you do if you ordered something in the drone delivered into your house I would shit my pants I didn't know a drunk was gonna fucking deliver it send me anything a black chick with a one leg

I'll take anything. I'll help her crawl up the fucking stair little midget without a shoulder. I'll take anything Don't sit no lift the mid. Without a shoulder and a leg? But don't, no, lift the midget out of a leg and he just balance. Oh, thank you. You'll never see a one-legged midget. They put a fucking fake leg on him right off the bat because they got no balance with that big head. That big head Timbers, it's all over, but the shot, it's like the Pete,

it's like that Roman building. What is that? Oh, the Leaning Tower of Pisa? Yeah, it's always leaning. Oh, I feel like I have the midget head. My head's huge. I can't. Anyway, it's always leaning. Oh, I feel like I have the midget head. My head's huge. I can't. Anyway, let's talk about the drones.

I don't wanna insult you. All right. You have a? No, no, there's only 15 years of that recorded. You don't wanna insult me, finally. It's like the episode of Zombo, when he was on the Munces. Yeah.

And fucking Herman Munce had drank the potion, he looked like Zombo. And there was three little kids in this house. And he went up to one little kid. He goes, oh, what do you think of? And the kid looks at him and goes, my parents told me never to say bad things to people. That's what I just felt like right now.

I appreciate it. So you want to talk about the drones? Huh? You want to talk about the drones. Listen, there's nothing to talk about. I mean people every Have you this did the shit that baffles me? Okay? Like every night. I'm a fucking idiot. I believe something else to tell me something. I want to know

No People are concerned all over New Jersey You know that they're plant, no they're not. They're concerned that the Giants are gonna win. People give a fuck about the Giants more than the drones in Jersey. Tommy Pancakes, what's his name? Tommy the Quarterback, Tommy Pizza,

poor kid, they almost killed him yesterday. I think it was Chicken College. Poor Italians, like they were, hey Tommy DeVito, how you doing, good morning. Listen, it's not gonna happen. They almost took his fucking head off. Did you see him? They asked him, where do you live?

Not my mother's basement. He didn't know where the fuck he was. Come on, they don't care. Jersey people walking around like Sunday, and that's what I would have done. I would have landed one of those drones in Giant Stadium where all those fucking momos are there and watch them run out of there with that poor Tommy

Pizza or whatever they fucking they call them. Oh my god. I need this shit in my life now I'm a suck being the hometown kid and having it not go. Well, it was a bartender. It's like, you know It's like he was it was like fucking whatever he was a bartender and they called him and everybody from Jersey got all excited He's been bart them. They're gonna kill him They're gonna fucking kill him for just sucking no because he's not big. He's not oh, they're okay the other team I think like the fans were gonna use Italian. He's got heart, but right I Don't know if you saw the NFL lately. Yeah, you need more than heart again six I want the game the other day. It was like nine of a thousand black people they were flying through the air It looked like the Wizard of Oz. I don't know who the fuck they were playing. I don't know. Oh, was it? No Miami

Houston, Texas They were flying through the air. I was like look at that formation and shit And every time that fucking tour The concussion kit said hike It was night of a thousand brothers coming from everywhere jungles ships Africa, they were just flying over reminding me when the Bills played Pittsburgh in like 1993 What happened fucking machine gun Kelly was the quarterback and Pittsburgh Steelers have like the lowest What do you call that the

Lowest amount of pay the lowest pay salary every year. They're cheaper than fuck So they pull these fucking brothers that just do not give a fuck they pull them out of the halfway house they don't give a fuck and You look at the stat that night Kelly couldn't even that's the night. He got cancer Doesn't have cancer. No, that's Did everything to him? This is before fucking rough in the past Every time he go hike there with three brothers right here. He didn't even straighten up with a little tape song. Yeah Boom, they would knock them out. They were all like fucking brothers a superfly

Jesus didn't they used to smoke on the sidelines whoo just any player I feel like I've seen video of like NFL players like smoke my basketball. I heard that people smoke That was crazy back But what we talking about about the drones? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore My man Nick McIntosh said that as soon as the drone goes up in the air Within 30 minutes the cops are a house. Oh dude that I was watching a video If it's illegal so now you got a fucking drone the size of a truck going around and Rogan didn't help matters much by fucking putting my thing out again when I talked about Hudson County have my fucking the number one

Amount of Martians everybody was calling me fucking all these creepy fucking What do you call those people? Tin foil people. Yeah, they were they were emailing me like to do an interview. Not really Not really. I don't give a fuck about Martians. They've been here for years Really? You don't you wouldn't care if they were real or we deal with a Martian every fucking day. You think so? I can't wait to go to the doctor's office one of you motherfuckers and that Indian that everybody makes fun of rips off his mask and he's got little fucking ears and He's a little fucking Martian

That all these Jewish doctors they could be Martians you ever notice how they're all Jewish the doctors Well, yeah, don't look at me all creepy First of all, you're not supposed I don't think you're Land the Martians look at them Yeah, aren't they beating up on Syria now didn't is I think the president is gone in Syria now Didn't they just like throw overthrow in a country? Maybe I don't think Israel did but do but like the people that's what they said, but I don't trust Who's taking over bad bad boys the Jews are going in there and going it's ours. That's it. This is how we start

Yeah, we're taking everything land. We're like for Del Castro on 59 Gold chains everything is going and we'll give you if you want to go we'll give you a way out But you ain't taking your shit with you. No, that's the dog Castro with that farm the car and that's all mine Kiss it on the way out. Are the castles still in charge in Cuba? What I think the One of his nephew. I don't fucking know Lee. I thought you it's 630 at night I smoked 22 bong hits today. Well, you know now you Minutes, you know I'm saying I mean you started you brought it up. I'm trying to have a conversation But I would you know about Castro. I don't know who's running cube

I know they got to get a Alexander Graham Bell down there because they keep running out of electricity The fucking electricity thing is a hundred years old. Yeah, they're about to go black any fucking day now that would suck But I suck fuck them that commie bastard. They should deserve no life everyone on the your family there. Fuck them That's what you get for being a communist cocksucker. By the way, I gotta call my uncle tonight He's a five that poor. How old is he? 85 good for him That still opens up his bar on Fridays and Saturdays for you fucking That poor best. How old is he? 85. Good for him. That's crazy. Still opens up his bar on Fridays and Saturdays

for you fucking youngsters. 85s. He doesn't box anymore. He hits them with mace now. He hits who with mace? The people. Like if they give him a hard time, he just shoots you in the face with mace.

See, I feel like if you had mace, it wouldn't, you know, like you wouldn't shoot it immediately. I would love to shoot somebody with mace. Out the car? Wait mace out the car Wait out of the car do it to their face like you're getting raped No, you in the car some little old ladies walking around with some fucking a doggy Yeah, taking the time crossing the street. You could just spray it into the I thought you were gonna wait at least till someone like pissed you off just someone's taking too long across the street

Why do it to somebody pissed at they expecting you to get it back now you do to some poor pedestrian a guy on a bike Oh, yeah, some guy would bicycle with nice shoes and black socks You know how much I hate black socks with sneakers, right? So make me yeah these new kids They didn't get the thing if you cut yourself The if the sock is blue then they'll bleed into you and you die of fucking poison Jesus so who else? Skateboard right he's kind of cocky You know those motherfuckers like they they try to play with the fuck you hit him with a shot of fucking that right

You hit that motherfucker with some mace in the eyeball. It's all over. What about, what about like the guy flying the drones? Can we get him? Him, I hit him with some fucking... The, at Levi's when we were kids, they used to sell what you take out of the skunk. Oh shit, really? The juice in little bottles, and you can like put it on leaves to uh, eliminate your odor when you go hunting.

Okay. Fuck that, I would just throw the whole fucking bottle at you That thing breaks quicker than shit that ounce of fucking 65 hours it was back then it was worth the laugh. It was $65 back when I think I think 82 83 I'm so that's like $100 now Probably yeah, they decent they decent the skunk. That's the word I was looking for and you would spray that on people not you don't it. You hit them with the fucking bottle and go the other way. You take the whole bottle on them? Holy shit. It's just a little white bottle.

Okay. And it breaks. Right. Now it's probably plastic, you know. Everybody wants to save the ocean. But back then, this is a fucking bottle. You know what I'm saying? Do you recycle? All the time. I don't... People get so fucking obsessed with it, I just throw shit away.

Oh my god. I'm the biggest recycler in the world. I thought so. I'm Johnny Ecology Club. My wife recycles, you know, I mean at the end of the day, you know, it's bullshit. Right. There's people like, that building, wow, you know, it's bullshit right? There's people like that building fire, you know, listen Go suck a dick, you know when you're concerned with like

Oh, well the the forest in new jersey. Listen Just knock it down do something with the fucking cops. It makes people happy Look when we left la we couldn't fucking use the straw, right coke people didn't know what the fuck to do no more All the straws are made out of paper. Right. Why was the reason? Because it gets stuck in the dolphin's fucking thing and he can't breathe. Listen, I love animals. Right. But I like straws better.

Fuck them. You want to drink a milkshake without a straw? No. Be my fucking guest. An egg cream without a straw? A nice black cream soda from the Jewish place? Yeah. You need a straw. They want to give you paper straws that bends.

Remember what happened to us at that pizza? Happens all the time. The night that you said you liked your crust crispy. I do like my crust crispy. That's the night that I was like, what the fuck are these people talking about? Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Especially with like a milkshake, that would piss me off.

Can you imagine? I can't use a straw cause the dolphin. Fuck dolphins. And look what happened. They tested the ocean. They're all coke the fuck out Every some of those sharks are fucking going crazy for the last 20 years Why because of the coke in the water now that you know and now people like don't throw plastics in there They used to eat those pens how many fucking pens? With those big pens you took the thing out you did a line of coke and you put it back and then a week later

Your grandmother's like why I I licked the thing in my tongue got numb listen I don't know what to tell your grab and I know that happened to you George Somebody would lick the fucking thing off Those pens were the best coke thing in the world You can make believe your insurance salesman pop it out and do a line anywhere Really you these big pen with a king The king of cocaine they were cousins with Pablo Do you think they did it on purpose Lee? I don't fucking

Little spoons you get the fucking little fag that drew the happy heart what happy heart the fucking happy heart that all you happy people Text that people ha ha ha ha the little happy fact face Right that thing was in print in like 1950 some guy was doodling He sent it in for a patent and the rest in the 70s that shit was on everything It's my buttons right you sung glad everybody was happy, right? Everybody was happy. I don't see you being like a hippie. Did you ever dress like a hippie at all? Not in a million fucking years, but listen, this is what the problem with America is.

Today Snoop Dogg put a picture of Marvin Gaye up, the cover of one of the albums. He's fucking just a G. Put that same cover up today. The guy's got a fucking Charles Bronson hat. He's fucking just a G. You know, put that same cover up today. The guy's got a fucking Charles Bronson hat, he's got a cigarette, he's got an earring, I've got a fucking Christmas tree and his fucking tattooed. You know, we live in a society where it's like, what I used to tell you when I left LA, if I could pick the director, when I walk on the set, gonna be good, right? Not gonna be good. What's that director look like the rolled-up sleeve with the Because god forbid they don't show that fucking tattoo

The hat with the feather the Chinese assistant, you know, I see you coming Right saying remember my ex-brother-in-law, the Kings, they could not ski anybody. These motherfuckers showed up on the hill with jeans. And now you see these people with light protectors and a helmet and you're terrible. You can't even fucking ski. My brother-in-law's would get off and get out of a truck

and go into fucking ski things and win first place. While everybody else had padding and the protectors and that's the prom you have now. Right. That everybody wants to have an image. Everybody's gotta have purple fucking hair. And when I was growing up, you go, look at that fucking jerk off.

Now people are like, oh, how cool. No, he's not fucking cool. This is how he gets you to make believe that he's better than you right or whatever. Oh my god I wish I could be that cool. He ain't dick He ain't dick that do Marvin Gaye was fucking cool. What did he do? That was so cool But why do you like yeah, I know I know who Marvin Gaye is A bunch of black people fucked because of Marvin Gaye that one album with a

Sexual healing yeah That was a different type of brother that dude would had a hard time today What would have happened Marvin Gaye? He was just he got shot by his fucking father. Oh shit I forgot about that. That's where that expression comes from. When Tony Soprano got shot, everybody kept saying he got Marvin Gaye. That's why his father or stepfather, somebody shot him. But there's a fucking YouTube tape

of Marvin Gaye fucked up in his basement with a band. He's laying on the couch like this, fucked up from the night before. They're playing and he's singing. That's how bad that motherfucker was. And he was singing well? It was good? Unbelievably well. Unbelievably well.

Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. That motherfucker was so black, he said, fuck you white motherfuckers. He went to Germany. He went to Germany. I didn't know black people went to Germany. He went to Germany with a big bag of coke and wrote like two fucking albums.

He locked himself in Luxembourg, whatever the fuck. Okay. You know, everybody else is jumping up and down in Motown. He said, fuck you motherfuckers. I'm taking my cocaine dick to fucking Germany. Holy shit. And what did he dress like? Did he dress just like normal?

Like a smooth black motherfucker, that superfly shaft. When those guys walked in the room, they were black. You knew it. You're like, that's a cool motherfucker. It's like when Steve McQueen walked in a room That dude was it when James Coburn walked in a room say what you want to say when John Gotti walked in a room That motherfucker came in your house with a $2,000 suit on and shoes shine 15 times the way your head You know I'm saying the motherfuckers were buff to the max

I would love to get my head off certain people that you look at and you're like goddamn Elvis Presley in 68 with that black suit on Nothing beats that maybe maybe Jim Morrison at the Hollywood Bowl with the leather pants on 1969 Shit with some snake on him or something like that He had like some snake belt for something really and you never cuz like you could what can I do? That would be cool. I don't know cool. I'm not sure my ears Whatever the fuck get it. I do on my face of across shave your ears

What can I do dress up like, you know, you wouldn't wear like a $2,000 suit for what? I'm a piece of shit. You can't put a silk hat on a pig And I don't say it like that. Listen, the truth is I don't look good in the suit. Really? I Don't feel good. I don't feel comfortable. Yeah, they do. So I just don't feel comfortable suit Why would I what difference does it make if I walk into your restaurant a $2,000 suit? Who am I kidding and a BMW outside? I double park it's her bc's it Do you ever have do you have like anything you'd wear a suit for now, or are you just done with suits when you die? Thank you, I appreciate that I would never do something like that I mean, I No, I'd hope you'd wear a suit if I died. A suit now, something really special, you know?

Right. But to wear a suit to be fucking cool, what? Right. I don't know. I bought a, my last suit I bought at Kohl's. Yeah. For the premiere of The Sopranos. That's, you bought it at Kohl's?

Yeah. I didn't even know Kohl's sold suits. And you know, what do you want me to do? You want me to go buy an arm? What what? What would our money suit? I Mean I look a lot better, right? But inside I wouldn't feel that much better I'd still feel like the guy that robbed the jewelry store Well, you don't you know saying like and that's the truth, right? Cuz it's like you lived in LA and you spent a lot of time in your like you

Walk I walk around New York. I just see P like men who look cool Like they know I wear jeans and it's cool looking white man today is the dude who's married to spice He had a fair that motherfucker had two thousand affairs The little guy the soccer player. Oh, yeah back to me. I David Beckham That's the coolest looking white man in the world right now. I saw him in person. I almost sucked his dick When you see him in person you're like god Damn out in the street and Broadway talking to people. What up? What's I got out of the car? I'm like, what's up dog? He's like, hey, how you doing?

I never even went to that stadium. In LA. Yeah, and I go, last time I saw you was at the stadium. He's like, oh yeah. And then we started going, when are we gonna do the podcast with Rogan? Let's go down there right now. He wanted to go right now.

Holy shit. Call Joe right now. I wanna go down and do fucking this podcast. He goes, the only way I'll do it is with you and Joe I don't want to go in there by myself because Joe gets too smart. I want to go in there with just you He was that cool, but when you see him on the on 74th and Broadway On the fucking corner. You're like god damn that dude is smooth. Oh, yeah That's just some p and then there's other people I dress up like a fucking idiot

dude is smooth. Oh yeah. That's just some people, and then there's other people that dress up like a fucking idiot. That I know who they are, like, I don't know who they are, but they gotta be somebody. They dress up like a fucking idiot. You know, or the big beard, you know, why? Right.

You're Dominican, why do you have the beard down to here to look like Alibaba? Why? Your parents came over like my parents, on a boat, a stick. You have very weird rules about beards like every time I let my beard because I know what it is for real And I know who has a beard for show. There's two different things when I see Hamas They got a beard cuz they're bad motherfuckers when they use it Okay, they flew on little pedals and kidnapped Jews. You want a beard you earned it

Okay little petals and kidnap Jews. You want a beard, you earned it, cocksucker. Okay, you follow what I'm saying to you? But if you're just gonna have a beard to confuse people, because you look like, look at yourself in the mirror. Type up what a terrorist look like, and if you got that beard with that stupid fucking look on your face, you gotta go to yourself, what's wrong with me? It's like when somebody goes to jail and they get tatted up,

let them get tatted up. It's this new generation that wants to get tatted up to their finger. I saw a chick with a black sleeve. Why would a beautiful woman do that? Oh, she wants to send her to artistry. No, cause she's an idiot. Cause God forbid somebody don't stop.

That is so... And they take that home. We have friends on Facebook that write blogs. They're in no business to write blogs. In no business. It's three hours, you gotta check it. You ain't got that type of time. Go do what you gotta do, which is fucking stand up. You just wrote a 10 hour thing,

you could have wrote fucking five jokes. And what did they write it? Look at the final result. So people say how brave they are. It's not because they wanted to write it. Right. It's because God forbid, you know, before I left LA, I was at the park during the pandemic, like everybody was.

And there was a family there and we were talking to them until this fucking day she works in New York full-time big money big money a family is in D.C. He's from D.C. They won't move here. And you ask yourself why? There's no need. Shut the fuck up.

How is there no need? Because they might have a better life in D.C. No, no, no. You're not fucking following me. What I'm trying to say to you is they're based out of New York, but they live in LA. I asked myself why didn't they leave? Because that whole fucking thing would disappear. That whole little, oh my God, so brilliant.

I've never seen a bunch of people that called LA should be land of the brilliant Everybody's brilliant everybody's a genius. Oh, that's a beautiful one. He's a genius Listen, right if they were genius, they'd be in Cuba figuring out the fucking light bulb down there a situation Okay, that's a genius. You're saying that's a genius not some fucking idiot like me. Yeah He Joey's a G. No, he Joey's not a fucking genius. He goes on stage and he tells dirty jokes He learned how to do comedy on a fucking corner in North Bergen right by hash ways You had to be the first, you know, I came from the hometown that you just didn't throw a joke out You follow I'm saying like I grew up with guys that if you threw a joke out. You follow what I'm saying? Like I grew up with guys that, if you threw a joke out, that motherfucker better hit.

Because if it don't hit, everybody's gonna look at you and then you're gonna lose the right to talk again for about a year. Okay, that's the society I grew up in. Not these idiots that could just say, oh my God, he's a genius. No, you're not. You're a fucking moron.

And say that again, I'll hit you right in the head with a stick. You know what I'm saying? Like anyway sorry people I got emotional about these fucking idiots. No I mean LA is the home of it like they're at the home of it and now we have pieces of it here don't even think that we're fucking beyond the we got pieces over here But he the only the fucking what do they call the hipsters? No, they're hipsters. They're gone The real wives in New Jersey, oh, jeez a bunch of chubby chicks, yeah The real wives in New Jersey, but nobody else got wives Let's go to fuck. I'm everywhere. He's a wife in Utah. No, the real wives in New Jersey and they walk around like Sinatra. Oh You think that fucking Sinatra in New Jersey? I hate those shows all they do is yell and they have them in I hate to know that I know this but they do

Have them in Utah They have that show in every fucking city big dummy. Utah is where Mormons are I know they have a seven they have and they have that show They were housewives of so I deal with people. What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, take a quick break and talk to you people got about a few ads here, right? We'll be right back Hey, uncle Joey again here. Listen, we all love a great deal Who doesn't and mint mobile has a great deal when it comes to sell service get amazing wireless service for

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Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile dot com slash Diaz 45 up front ain't playing games You know I'm saying and it's required for 15 a month three times 15 is 45 last night check new customers First three month plan only that's it speeds slower than 40 GB on unlimited plans and additional Taxes fee and restrictions apply cement mobile for details. Merry Christmas. We're back bitches. I Seem it mobile for details. Merry Christmas. We're back bitches. I Was telling Lee after his surgery. I hope I don't need one. Yeah walk around with no fucking eye patch What have they made me listen Jews don't wear eye patch I'm gonna walk out with that I like fucking staring at people like that

Or an eye patch, I don't know which one is worse. Listen, when you do comedy, you walk out there and go, I have my eye on you, like the fuckin' teacher. Jesus Christ. Yeah, Jews don't wear eye patches. I think some of them do. No, they don't. Look at the fuckin' log. Look at the heavy duty Jews.

They never wear eye patches. Yeah, if you went to Auschwitz, you got problems, you can wear two eye patches. No, I don't think they gave out eye patches in Auschwitz. Yes, they did. They gave out eye patches in Auschwitz. you got problems you with white patches. You know, I don't think they gave it up Auschwitz anyway, sorry about that guy Whoo, anyway It's a new fucking year man. Yeah, let's cut this shit like Christmas. Yeah But on next Thursday you motherfuckers we got five days left

Before all shit breaks loose in 2025. So hope you motherfuckers are ready doug think about that All shit's gonna break you have to you have to assume right now What do you think? See I don't I think that these fucking drones are gonna land and They're gonna come out and give people flowers. I don't fucking know, you know, yeah It's he's gonna get inaugurated on the 20th who knows what's gonna happen after that But as far as I'm good, like I don't give a fuck about the outside. Yeah, 2025 is gonna be a good year for us We got comedy shows. Yeah, we got fucking Philadelphia. We got Nikki Ashkalees. We got Nick McIntosh We got the birthday boy who won't eat another second piece of fucking mushroom on his birthday

Well, cuz you've been saying I only you do anyway and you're not really a negative dude And I don't think necessarily you're being negative But you've been saying for a while now like that Do you think shit's about to pop off and I think I think we're right on the edge I definitely think we're right on the edge, but there's something's got to give guys Before eggs go down Before the price eggs go's something's gotta give guys before eggs go down before the price eggs go down something's gotta give I'm not really sure what you mean by the eggs anyway everybody's thinking about like you know

hopefully prices are low right oh well that would be good then if something dog I was gonna fly my Cuban friend and okay to cook for my wife on her birthday. I might as well buy a fucking plane Because Miami's always like you can't get a ticket to Miami right now No, no once the 23rd comes the 20th. I don't know what it is about Miami and after the 26 forget it Well, I bet it's even so right now American Airlines December 26 to Miami coming back on the 1st. Would you do me that favor? Watch the fucking price.

But especially from here. I remember that one year I did Miami Lake. My fucking ticket was $1,200. Jesus. And I kept saying, what it is, because everybody goes to Miami for New Year's. Mm-hmm. And it's crazy here too, like flying to New York. And New York has been busy. Like I was out yesterday, it was fucking packed out. Come on.

That's not bad. That's not good. And you sit in the back of the plane though. 1150. With criminals and people with COVID. Yeah. You don't even get water for $11.50. They just put you back there like nah, you don't even count $11.50.

Have you noticed they have boarding zones up to like 10 now? Oh yeah, I'm done. Listen, enough. You know what, I don't care if they have 20 fucking boarding zones. You're not going to see Papa on any of those planes. First of all, what they do to you is, I look at tickets. I always, you know, listen, guys, I'm a nerd. I get stoned that night, and I look at, like, I'd love to go back to L.A. for a couple days.

I was gonna take mercy to see a concert. The same ticket I paid $1,200 for, tripled. And I couldn't even get a flight out of Newark. It was sold the fuck out. JetBlue Mint from JFK to LAX is the best. You get your own little window, you close the door, you scratch your nuts, you fucking do edibles, you watch movies, you do work. They give you a fucking blanket.

Used to be $900. $999, maybe $1,150 tops. You do work to give you a fucking blanket used to be nine hundred nine ninety nine Maybe eleven fifty tops for first class mint right and Remember, I don't know if you've been on fucking The row behind that jet blue has like three or four rows. So they're just as good as first class They used to I heard jet blue kind of sucks now It fell through a little bit. I'm listen. I haven't been on jet blue since before like spirit bottom is what someone told

I know but everything fell down. Yeah, how many fucking flights you get at Newark and also there's no Wi-Fi What I gotta go to fucking Australia Wi-Fi Yeah, I gotta go Australia. Yeah, I paid $92,000 and you drop this no Wi-Fi on me now Go fuck yourself. This can't happen This can't happen This can't happen. I never would have thought you'd be upset about Wi-Fi It doesn't fucking matter, but I'm thinking about the business guy

I'm thinking about that lawyer that finally asked to get on the plane and go I got 14 hours to Auckland Thinking about that lawyer that finally asked to get on the plane and go I got 14 hours to Auckland Australia to do this shit and now these fucking United people are telling me that there's no fucking Internet or they ran out of the food didn't how many planes I get on last year Maybe 10 two of those flights where we're sorry If you're hungry go fuck yourself For you not even a cracker you might as well chew on that napkin. You know I'm saying like oh, they're out of control That's not fair guys that just listen at that point You just getting abused and you're taking it and when you call United to complain your number 2000 on the slot

It's gonna they'll call you back in 20 hours 20 hours to get the complaint and by that time you forgot what the fucking complaint was Sorry, they know what they're doing. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing speaking of which you called someone this week and Didn't trust like that. I'll call you back thing Do you remember that we were on the phone speakerphone? It's like hey if you want to hold your place in line put your number and we'll call you back And you stayed on hold for like 40 minutes the interest didn't trust. No, I don't want them to call me back I finally got on this fucking line. I Just got these motherfuckers on the line and I'm gonna hold them fucking to it

You ever get on those lines and all of a sudden the fucking thing goes down like all sudden It's just call back. Goodbye I just lost 35 fucking minutes if I was 21 I wouldn't be so mad but 20 minutes to me at my age that's fucking big That's a big chunk of fucking life right now You know, I don't plan to live on you. You see these poor bad is his birthday today. He's a hundred listen It's his birthday today, he's 100. Listen, shoot me now. For 15 years I gotta have a diaper. People pat me and shit, I got three ass.

Just shoot me the fuck now. I don't wanna live to be, Joe Diaz the oldest American, get the fuck out of here. He doesn't piss, he doesn't have a dick no more. He's so old his toenails stop growing. The fungus gave up. There's so old his toenails stop growing the fungus gave up There's no fun in that. There's no fun in being like my uncle's 85 and he acts like he's 65 He bitched to me, you know bitch on the fucking phone to me every time I call him

But you know, he still walks five miles a day He still punches the bag for a half hour every fucking day and he works on Fridays and Saturday he's the first guy they'll tell you the first time you sit on that couch for a week you die after 65 he goes if you sit on that couch for one week you'll fucking die and he's right that's why I'm buck wild now still eating mushrooms fucking looking at dirty pictures the whole thing. I'm wilder than ever I don't think those are on the same level I think plenty of 65 year olds look at dirty pictures. I don't think a lot of waiting on 65 yet, but jesus christ

I never looked at dirty pictures before talking about you never looked at dirty pictures. I don't listen I don't even I have one playboy in my house And it's the one with hollywood henderson. Let's pull out your history. I don't listen. I have one playboy in my house and it's the one with Hollywood Henderson. Let's pull out your history. What do you mean you never looked at dirty pictures? You never looked at porn before? No, I made porn. What are you looking at? The crazy thing is when I was doing drugs, after I stopped doing drugs, that whole sex life for me disappeared. I didn't like fucking, I didn't like fucking sober. I'm not gonna carry my girlfriend in with roses and I love you, get the fuck out of here.

I like to be fucked up and coked up and put coke on that pussy and all rules are understood. You know what I'm saying? If I got a little bubbly, you put that in that snatch and eat that pussy with the fucking champagne or whatever you got, Tic Tac, whatever the fuck you got, those explosive. You know what I mean?

Pop rocks? Pop rocks? Oh my God, women love when you put pop rocks in their pussy. They go fucking bananas. But you're not gonna meet a girl on a bar and go, listen, let's go back to my house and put some pop rocks in your pussy. You're too sober.

They'll look at you, they'll call 911. You gotta get them nice and soft, a couple lines of coke, they get all crazy and shit. And then you go, listen, I'm gonna make your pussy blow up. Really? Yeah. And you put those Pop Rocks on it, they go fuck it. It's like the 4th of July drones. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Holy, cause I remember you telling me to do that with Pop Rocks. I Holy cuz I remember you telling me to do that with pop rocks in the 80s I would show up with you left out the capon. I used to have fun I used to have fucking fun doing coke with broads and fucking eating ass and wait, you know So are you telling me are you telling me on coke you put pop rocks on their pussy? But without coke you you're too embarrassed to look at porn. Oh Without coke. I'm worthless. I Still I still love eating pussy. I'm married 25 fucking years, right? I still love eating that dirty pussy, but you know, I

Lost my thought that Man pussy what that anyway I lost my thought there for a second. I'm an old man, pussy, what? Anyway. You said without coke, you don't really go crazy. I don't go crazy, I don't pull hair. You know, when you do coke, you could choke them to death. They like all that shit. Call them nasty names and shit, you know?

That's what doing coke, and women who did coke, they know that's part of it. They know that's, first off, a woman does coke and she wants to have sex She better know that her muscles are gonna work in her mouth Because you get dead dick. Oh, you know while you're talking about in the third grade my father stuck a few, you know All of a sudden your dead your dick dies and they gotta start from scratch again, right? You know, and then once you eat their snacks and you get a little hyped up,

then you know, why are we talking about this? I don't know. It's the holiday season, you know what I'm saying? Why are we talking about? I was just thinking, how do we end up with pop rocks? YouTube is gonna love this one. And a woman's poor monkey a week before Christmas.

We should be talking about, you know. What do you wanna talk about? You know, like, why kids marching at the tree? I don't fucking know. What do you want to talk about? You know like, blind kids marching at the tree. I don't fucking know. I don't think they go to see the tree. Oh my God. Well people have no idea is that

for me to come back to comedy and fucking do what I do with the podcast. I'm going all out guys. No more this fuck. I could care less I'm too old. I got no I had no rules when I was 30 Why would you think you're gonna put rules on me when I'm 60 fucking 162 whatever the fuck I am You know, it's over. I'm here to have some fun Whether it's a podcast to stand up. We're gonna say shit People gonna say shit. That's part of being what we are and What I gotta stop saying shit cuz people's feelings or whatever. It's not even about feelings. It's about raising your hand and going

Oh, I didn't like that joke. Go fuck yourself. I don't like pickles in my tuna. You know I'm saying I don't like a lot of fucking things. I Don't like a lot of fucking things I don't like a lot of fucking things anyway we're gonna take a little breather here we're gonna talk to you about some Christmas stuff some Christianity no I'm gonna take a little breather and talk to you about I don't know we'll be right back hey guys uncle Joey here for DraftKings listen it's the most wonderful time of the year for getting in on all the hoops football and hockey action at DraftKings Sportsbook listen in the season of giving

We're being gifted college football and basketball and pro football and pro basketball And even hockey for you savages with all the games going on It's time to place a couple bets. Let's see You got to make the games more interesting. You're sitting there with grandma and the rest of these nooks. Come on Let's get the party started give grandma a shot of tequila Let's see what she's made of you know I'm saying so go ahead and try your hand at winning back what you spent on Christmas gifts That's DraftKings Sportsbook. Listen I got a tremendous offer for you and here's a gift for all the customers.

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by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario, bet must win to receive reward. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co.uk. Uncle Joey here. Listen, when it's all said and done, it's the memories that mean the most to us. This holiday season, give the gift of letting your family relive their favorite times with an aura picture frame. Name the number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. Listen, I don't know who these people are, but Aura frames are incredible. They're easy to use. They let you upload an unlimited number of photos and videos from your phone right to

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and now we got the party started, you understand me? We got memories, Jack. So Aura frames are the best way to share your memories, whether it's an embarrassing photo from high school or a nice family portrait. Listen, give the gift of memories and laughter with your family. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com

to get $35 off Aura's best-selling car with matte frames by using promo code Joey at checkout. That's Aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com, promo code Joey. This deal is exclusive to the families right here, to the New Testament. So get yours in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. We're back! Anyway, I wanna talk to you guys real quick. I left here in 1985.

And when I left, I was staying with a buddy of mine. But at the time, I had a lot of buddies when I left in 85. And over the years, I was like, you know what? I'm really lucky I have all these fucking little buddies from different parts. Well, I was gone for 23 fucking years. And when I came back to Jersey a couple years ago, it was fucking weird. The people I had grown up with, like 45 knew our, they just wouldn't respond to me. When I'd speak to them, they'd giggle at me

like I didn't know what I was talking about. And then it took like a year and a half and finally I unloaded on one of them, which I love them to death. I still love them to death, you know? And then another buddy of mine stopped talking to me and that was a whole fucking thing. But through and through, my brother over here,

George Kolodinski has never fucking thrown me through a wall. It's just really weird. We met in 79, the summer before my mother died. And we kept in touch, whatever. And then my mother died and he kept in touch with a friend of ours, a mutual friend of ours, Denise Mick. And she used to fill me in. Then I lost contact with George and I met him again.

I was casing out places up in Bergen County one day and the fucking dead of the winter and I see George fucking chopping grass and stuff and somebody's lawn and he gives me his number and I think that's the night I got arrested after I left you I got arrested and I had nobody else to call I called you and you're like come on back to my house and and I stayed with you for six months and I left Colorado you came out there and you were there when I kidnapped the dude and the whole fucking deal you know that left me always keeping me out of that. I'm never in those stories. That left you fucking traumatized.

I could see it in your face. You know what I'm saying? You were there. You were there when I got sentenced and I know that broke your heart. And it's just really weird. Like, you know, I put out a book a couple years ago and people reached out to me like,

oh yeah, it's such a rough life. Your mom, and I gotta be honest with you man. I learned something like I was really fucking angry at God Like my mother died I was pissed. I was like how what kind of a God takes a mother from a kid at 16 years old So I lost faith. You know I just lost faith and it was It was George, like George, little by little, you know, and then I kidnapped the dude and I went to fucking prison and all that bullshit.

And then I think we lost contact. No, I came back for the wedding. You came back for the wedding. Ronnie was late, so I had to be your best man. Ronnie was too fucked up. He wasn't even in town. I think it was like a half hour before the thing. He was dead Oh, he was dead somewhere else And the priest pulled me aside he goes he can't do this. He's got rings around his nose

You met these people So you got the call 30 minutes before George whatever I think I was in the wedding party Oh, so you got the call 30 minutes before George. Whatever. I think I was in the wedding But yeah, I mean I'm gonna have way I just got a halfway house to get married The fucking counselor is that not the counselor the guy that would follow me around I don't know if you know and I had a snort coke like and different. I broke down Yes, the one dude that you met after I left The talk he might have been Cuban. Yes, Julio. Had all the blow, right?

Didn't he have all the blow? He had a lot of shit. That guy became a professional gambler. He had like 10 million fucking dollars. Jesus Christ. And now he won't return my call. You know what I'm saying? Ain't that a bitch.

But it's just so weird how I was down on religion And I think about it till now how God had a different and you know You're never gonna hear me say these words, but God had a different thing to teach me. He took my mother But he showed me Like the beauty and other people like I don't know what it was. I have brothers your uncle him Jimmy lubes I got brothers like when I was down they were there for me all those fucking years And it showed me that Like that I have fucking brothers. Mike Ronnie is my fucking brother

We breathe me and george bleed for each other I don't even want to be if something happens to him. I can't live without him. I Call him three times a fucking day You know, it's it's always a fucking different situation. I smoked dope before I call him at night because But we've been doing this since 1985 He would do whatever he was doing. He would do whatever he was doing. I'd do whatever I was doing.

We'd meet, we'd look to his grandma, and then we'd disappear in a smoke pot, and we'd come back, and his grandma would say, you threw eek eek. She called brief her eek eek. And then I went down to the basement one day, I remember I was smoking in the morning, and the fire alarm went off.

The things we did to that poor woman, and we laughed, and she loved us, she loved George, oh my God, George. She loved you probably, I thought, more than me at times. Oh my God. That's the only time I didn't really like you. I robbed the fucking leader of Champagne, the Dom Perignon, then we took her to fucking Piccolissimo.

Oh my God, oh my God. We used to stay up till two, three with grandma. And my grandmother loved him. And we were bringing food. They spoke Spanish. He broke her chops. She just... You have no fucking idea how I see it.

But he could still do no wrong. What happened? You could do no wrong. Oh my God, but what am I, I robbed a lady? Hey! Oh my God, I go back in 93, and you know, me and George are still at it, and George is sleeping, and I see a lady in the backyard

Barbecue and I go you know what this is a good time to rob that I put my sneakers on I run upstairs. I open the door and right there's her purse with a I open the door and right there's her purse with a Deposit like in the old days. They gave you a check. No, I give you money back. I'm sticking out of the purse I just took the whole fucking thing. I Hit it in the basement because I knew fireworks are coming Jesus he's sleeping. I'm laying on the couch not it out with a cigarette with an ash like that long couch, knotted out with a cigarette, with an ash like that long. Because I parked the lease. My mother and my grandmother were home.

They were like, they let the cops in, they're like, look at him. I go, I don't even think he has a pulse. You think that he went upstairs, grabbed something and came, he hasn't moved in like 12 hours. So they left, but she freaked out, that lady. Oh, I know it was you. I'm going, what the fuck? I've been. I haven't moved in hours. I know what you're saying, though.

How long does it take for an ash, like, they didn't even fold, I didn't light the cigarette, and not even puff it. And the fucking ass, she was like four inches. He would flick the ass behind the couch. Oh my God, it was like a freaking mountain. I think that's how they built the pyramids. Oh my God. We would rock at night.

Like that fucking... Grandma would go to bed, she liked David Letterman. So she would leave the door halfway cracked. At that time she had like four or five cats and they would jump on and she'd be in her fucking hell, in her fucking heaven. She had her cats there and the whole thing. I would take a big pen, one of those cocaine pens,

take the inside out and cut a bunch of fucking papers. I'm aessional spitball guy And I would kick it behind the fucking door now like right over there like you saw a little pen come through She'd be slating that happy as a pig and shit And also I'd start shooting the cats one by one and after like the third one The cats would start leaving and also And after like the third one, the cats would start leaving. And also, she was the target. And grandma would go, what the fuck happened?

And the cats would leave, Mimi, Mimi, whatever. And then she looked at the blanket and the white thing, and then she looked at the ceiling. She looked at the ceiling right there. I fucking lose it. Right. And then she could see him throw the fucking blanket. George, Coco, what happened here? Oh my God. We had like this really big like gong, like those things that you gong and it was hanging

on the wall. My mother was an artist, you know, it was cool to put a fucking gong on the wall. No one ever touched the gong. It was there for 10 years. He's living with me. My grandma would just fall asleep, and he'd walk up. No, let's do the story right.

It was early. You were going to bedroom first. You're going, oof, I'm tired, grand. He'd lay down, but he'd be in there sweating. He'd be waiting for grandma to go right to bed. That's all he was waiting on. And grandma had to process the tea, the whole fucking thing. And I could feel him in there sweating

because I was next to him sweating too. I had like a half an eight ball. I'm waiting for grandma to go to fucking bed so we can start doing our little fucking thing. But at that time, grandma would go in, she knew that we were fucking out of our minds. And she knew George was out of our minds. Dog, that dog wouldn't go, eek.

And George's blanket would fucking fly open and he'd run to that bathroom, getting ready to do his thing. I'd wait for him to lock the door and then I'd tiptoe. I'd take the gong and I'd just go boom. They would go boom and I would creep in bed and wait there. right? Three two one and she would run out. Coco! What the fuck? This is 1140. Coco what the fuck? Where's Georgie? And then she look and then she look at me. Where's Georgie? I don't know he's in the bathroom. She died man. Georgie open the fucking door.

Oh my god. Why would you let him stay with you like he was my big brother he was without 11 months older but I was there like you guys like act like so miss school we have a lot of you guys are you're always at his house you guys like big brother little brother You guys like fight about this dude goes father used to drive a bus and He would give him let me go on a bus for free. I had eight dollars in my pocket I was a fucking coke for you and I had to get to the city to sell cars

Said get up like a six-territy I put the shirt on the whole fucking thing and I'd run up to at 630, I'd put the shirt on, the whole fucking thing. And I'd run up to the corner and wait for Mr. Rego, but there was a payphone. And I would get on the phone, 201-943-3639, and Grandma would pick it up. I'd look, and I'd go, wow. And I'd hang up on her. Oh my God. This hat, I let this go for a year. Like I would call her, I could be on the street and I would go, hold on, I gotta call Graham.

Wow. And then she, and I'd sit there with her at night and she'd tell George about it. George, some fucking guy called me. Ah, ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. And I'm fucking dying. So this girl is getting close to Thanksgiving. And she's like, you know, George, I gotta, George said he tried to call her. And she goes, I take the phone off. So that fucking guy, he called, he called. And I go, Grandma, what's he say to you?

She's like, I don't know, fuck. She goes, I don't know, Coco. I don't know. I go, Grandma, it's like this, wow. And I did the voice. Did she freak out? She fucking lost it. She fucking lost it. She fucking lost it.

I go down to fucking Fulton Fish Market with Fishy Chris Fish. Chris Fish. And one man, I see a fucking box of fucking clams. Right, man? Yeah. I don't say nothing to Chris. I pick it up and put it in Chris's truck. I stole the whole fucking box or whatever.

And the whole way there, I'm like, George's mom makes a mean spaghetti and fucking clam sauce. This is my gift. I'll bring fucking clams home. I'll stop and get bread. I bring it in, it's too late at night. She goes, don't worry about it.

I'm gonna make you the best fucking spaghetti and clam sauce. Duh, I'm broke. I'm walking in the city all day and all I'm thinking about is that fucking spaghetti and clam sauce. Now, George's mom was an artist. Like nothing was fucking just straight.

Like she knew about raggy music before anybody. She would fucking smoke hookahs, whatever those fucking things were. She would tell me stories and I go, what the fuck is she talking about? We used to find the special oregano. We were like three, four years old. What's in this container? She'd go, get the fuck out of here. She'd smoke in here.

All jazzed up, ready to eat spaghetti and clam sauce. His mother put fucking curry in it. Oh, no. Dog, I thought I was gonna kill her. How long did I talk to her for? I didn't talk to her forever You put curry she hears you now, huh? She's dead almost ten years. She hears she's no we we you know That was fucking killer because she she wrecked it. I thought you loved Carrie. I what the fuck

Fucking curry When did I come here with a fucking Turkish hat on? It's on my back. You know what I'm saying? Fucking Curry? Ugh. Oh my God, we used to fucking laugh a lot at night, man. His mom saved my comedy career in 1993. Did you stay with us a little while. I wasn't around, but you were. Yes. When the Trade Center got bombed.

Yes, we were watching Bill Hicks. There was a special Bill Hicks Live or something like that. And I told her, let's watch this. And you know, like when you watch something and you want it to be good and you're laughing, waiting for the other person to laugh, you know like when you watch something and you want it to be good and you're laughing waiting for the other person to laugh you know and after that she goes listen I gotta talk to you about something for you to be a good comedian you can't have that insecure little faggy fucking laugh. I thought she spelled it out for me and I was like alright done I won't do

that no more and that was it. Wait, you had a different laugh? Yeah, at the time I got the divorce, I was a fucking felon. I didn't know what was going on in the world. I was fucking confused. I went and got my confirmation. I was 28, because I thought the Holy Ghost

would fucking calm me down. That motherfucker made me snort with three hands after that fucking Holy Ghost bonfire. What was your laugh like? Just insecure. You know, it was like, even now, if you put on a Bill Hicks live album, he's got one in particular,

and you could hear the people that brought people to see him. Do you know what I'm saying? So everything he would say, I'd go, ah! And I'd hit you fucking three idiots. You're like, what the fuck is he laughing about? You know what I'm saying? But, you know, it's his birthday and I wanted to put him on, but I just want to say you have no idea how lucky I am

that my mother died because I got to see he's my brother. I mean dog, the DNA, you can look at it somewhere. They're going to go, yeah, you guys are brothers. And I have like eight guys like that. But this guy's my fucking brother. There's no getting away from it. It's unbelievable how the fucking Lord works.

So I love you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you. Oh my God. We used to hear, I told this motherfucker to pick me up when I was robbing a gas station.

He had no idea. He had no fucking idea. Most people would say, don't ever talk to me again. You put me in a bad bind. He fucking giggled. I gave him a couple hundred. We went into the city with your uncle and we went to the pink. The red parrot.

The red parrot. And who was there? Was Madonna there? Who was there? Oh, fuck, I don't know. The singer from the Eurythmics with her boyfriend, the guitar player. Oh, Dave whatever.

Yeah, he thought he was fucking, you know, like he was eating sushi that night. Nobody even knew what sushi was and that motherfucker was eating sushi like... Yeah, that was my mother's friend. She had the fucking, she had the parrot on her shoulder. Oh my God. Dude and... The red hat. And I know you introduced George to Ralphie. Like, yeah.

And Ralphie, listen, the first time I met Ralphie, Oh my God. I was down the shore and Coco called me. He's like, you gotta go up to Nyack. You gotta go meet my friend Ralphie's there. He's got something for you. So I drive back from the shore. I get there, the show's over. I walk in and Ralphie's something for you. So I'm, I drive back from the shore. I get there, the show's over.

I walk in and Ralphie's signing for everybody. He looks up, he's like, George A! I'm like, how the fuck does he even know my name? He knew me as soon as I walked in there. He said, come here. He goes, Coco told me to give you this. So it was a sugar cookie.

I'm like, thanks Ralphie, nice to meet you. Now what I forgot was that he used to pick you up at our house all the time to take you to the airport, which is some, you know. No, he fucking. Twice, I think. His wife had family. Right.

And this is 1998. This is like, we met in LA. We hung out, he made tacos. tacos and one day he had a pager And I you know, and he's like Coco I'm up here and knowing New Jersey. I don't know. I'm headed to North Perkins. Whatever the fuck shit hole you're from He goes where you at? and I had to call him back and I Told him George's address George is at work

And he picked me up and I took him to Ashway's day. I want to go to Ashway's You know, you've been hearing all these stories. Yeah, right. So he's like I need to go to Ashway That motherfucker tasted that rice pudding. Oh, you went off and after that they would bring them like 10 Gary would give me like five or six trees of rice pudding to bring to Ralph. Holy shit. But the third one I would load up and say hey, hey, hey. I mean even Ralphie couldn't eat that much rice pudding. That motherfucker knew the history of North Bergen.

You know when you tell people a story, he listened. So he came here, he was playing bananas. Yeah. And it was the same night that the fucking plane went down the Hudson River. And he took the stage of bananas and the first words out of his mouth was, I hope Vanira's down there giving out cards.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ah! Like this is a guy that's from fucking Alabama, where the fuck he was from. But he listened all those nights. That's how he opened the fucking show. He went up there and he goes, I hope Anthony Vaneery's down there giving out cars. A lot of dead people down there tonight.

He always gives shout outs to... Oh my fucking God. But the sweetest, Ralphie was the sweetest man. I mean, even my mother, my mother walked up to him and just grabbed his face and said, you're so handsome, Ralphie. She's like, please lose weight. You're such a handsome.

And we became great friends. I mean, every time he came to New York, we went to games, to movies. I went on little trips with him and I helped him with the merch, which is a lot easier, like just getting high with him. Really? One time he wanted me to sell merch. I think it was the Gotham or something.

And we parked the car. And this is like when he started headlining there. Like in the beginning, he used to do the midnight show at Gotham because it was too dirty. And like all of a sudden, it's like year after year, I don't wanna use the comedian's name, Godfrey, but like he was headlining both times as he's coming out, you're walking in, very friendly,

but you would draw more than him at those midnight shows. Finally they and but that that one time you're like hey I got this merch all right I'll sell for you. Fucking edible he gives me so like I was Lee before Lee all right does that make sense? Like he would fucking lie to me every time at 10 milli always 10 milligram. So we walk in and I'm fine, I drink two beers, I'm sitting there watching the show, all of a sudden I'm like, I'm dribbling on myself,

I'm like fucking retarded. He laughs, you know. I've been there. And I had that girl, what's her name, I'm that past, I remember I was asking about her, Marjorie? Marjorie Giovanni, hello. She came up, gave me a hug, she's her name? On that past, I remember I was asking about her. Marjorie? Marjorie Giovanni Yellow. She came up, gave me a hug, she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, no.

And she started selling you shit because I was fucking. The best was John Jones was fighting for the championship. And he's fighting right here in fucking Newark. First fight. It was fucking beautiful. I had never even seen Newark. So I go to his house, I eat dinner with him and his wife and the girls and George is gonna drive me.

I got tickets for him, we're gonna go in. He's lying already. I think we have banana bread? No, this is what happened. I picked you up from the fucking airport. You showed me this Auntie Dory. Andy Dolores probably. Gave him a hunk of fucking banana bread as big as his suitcase, wrapped in tin

foil. Right? We pull up the, you know, we're going to Chance. We go to Chance, Loobs pulls up, you go like fucking crack this fucking banana bread, you gave me like an L, like a fucking piece of Wonder Bread. Like the crust, it was an L. I ate it. We go, Chance, Loobs gets the same. We eatin'.

He goes to my grandmother's to shower and get ready. I went home. My wife, there was a party in fucking somewhere. Verona, right? Family party. I'm like, I can't go to the family party, I'm going to the fight with Coke. She's like, all right, well, you gotta pick us up after the fight. It's only two towns over.

I'm like, sure, whatever. I take a shower, we're getting ready to go to the fight. As I'm driving to pick them up, I'm fucking fading. So we get on the fucking turnpike. You won't shut the fuck up on the turnpike. Yeah, I think I was talking. I'll pick it up. I'm like fading. So we get on the fucking turnpike. He won't shut the fuck up on the turnpike. Yeah, I think I was talking.

I'll pick it up. Right, I'll pick it up after this. I'll aggravate it to no fucking end. This cocksucker won't shut the fuck up. And now he's in, I'm like, George, get in the fucking left lane. George, cut that dude off, get in the left lane. And at first he's okay, he's doing 65. left lane. George, cut that dude off, get in the left lane.

And at first he's okay, he's doing 65. And then it was like a fucking, every six minutes, he would go down, now he's doing 55. Now I go George, just get in the right lane. He got all the way in the right lane, he was doing like eight. He drops me off. I don't know what happened.

What happened? George, go get the parking. There was no parking. And as I drove, I just told the story. I was like, I was, the steering wheel was a dragon and I was holding off with dear life. And every parking lot was taken. Now I'm in Newark and I'm on Martin Luther King Boulevard

All right stone to the gill. I'm like, I'm not over here. I keep going all of a sudden in East Orange now I'm fucking really freaking out and I'm on the other side of 280 decide to go home So I drive a little bit and I see the arena and the lights, but it's across the highway. And I'm like, fuck it, I'm going home. So I drove eight miles an hour in the fucking slow lane. I get there. Also his phone had no power. He had like one bar or something.

He didn't bring his charger. I called my wife in California. Ari called me. To go home and get the fuck out. It was a nightmare. Ari calls me from the fight and said where the fuck are you and I'm like all right just tell him I'm really fucked up I'm on my couch I took two showers now my wife is calling me you gotta come pick her up in Verona I took two showers to fucking get

I never ate that much fucking banana bread or anything I was her up in Verona. I took two showers to fucking get, I never ate that much fucking banana bread or anything. I was fucked up. I drove again, now the same exact direction, 15 miles an hour. I get there, I'm like, Yesy, I'm really high, tell your family I'm sick. They all come out to meet me. Where's Coco? I'm like stay away

I'm sick. They're like well the party's over there's cake in there and I'm like oh really? I go just stay away from me I'm gonna grab some cake. I'm getting out of here. I didn't hear from him until the next day. No two in the morning he came with lubes. Cause you didn't have the key to get to my grandmother's. You were pissed. Oh, I was like, he'll never talk to me again. And then he did, you know, he always does. He gets mad at me and,

I'm like Charlie Brown, what the fuck? I started coming in 91. So in 93 I had like my whatever and I came back here. I was heartbroken. I was getting divorced. I was losing my child. But I fucking loved comedy. I don't know what happens. I'm living with George. And Cliff said I was his grandmother.

And those days, you know, George is on a different planet. And we would come home at night and we'd write jokes together. And I still remember our first fucking joke that we wrote. It's the dumbest fucking thing in the world. What was those dudes that walked around New York City with the idiot that Gotti shot him? Oh my God. Those idiots that walked around New York like the...

Oh, Guardian Angels? Guardian Angels. And you saw. We used to write jokes at night. And he said, the Guardian Angels are back. Time to put your Bose speakers back in the window. It was the dumbest fucking joke. And then we wrote a joke about the Puerto Rican Day parade with the Navy. Something with the Puertoest fucking joke. And then we wrote a joke about the- The Puerto Rican Day Parade with the Navy.

Something with the Puerto Rican Navy. The Navy crashed into the dock at Hudson River. 400 Puerto Ricans in the ocean. That ain't nothing new. We were fucking dying. I remember trying to joke on stage and not a laugh. I'm like, what the fuck are we doing together? He's fired.

But I still remember this motherfucker coming home one night. And again, he has the quality of my mother. That's why I love him. He always, this motherfucker don't come home empty handed at two in the morning. If he wakes you up, he's got a daily news. All right, he's got something, a sandwich, something, a joint, he always woke you up with something. So this one night he comes in, he's like,

man, it's fucking hot in here. Now I'm fucking coked up to the gills. I'm just hiding under the blanket. I'm all jerked off out. Like it's like four in the morning, I've jerked off 80 times. I'm out of juice. I'm just waiting for fucking something to and this is he comes home. I brought you a salami sandwich

Man it's hot in here and he goes where's that friend? There was a fan that he picked up the big box fan. Oh my god. He goes Wow, yeah, and he puts in the window three in the morning I'll hook you up and he puts in the window. It's fucking three in the morning. He puts the fan on the fan flies out Sure enough what the fuck happened George and grandma comes out You can't Write this shit. Like I always said if if I get a show, I gotta add all those nights of how much we fucking used to laugh late night. And the whole thing was for grandma to come up and go,

what the fuck happened? Why every night? That's when we'd stop. And we loved, oh my God, George. What a fucking time. Yeah, I had two good women there. This motherfucker All right, so he's my writing partner he's my ace He knows what's coming next i'm gonna fucking kill you

I said listen, we're partners come to the city with me and fucking watch my set give me notes And you used to have to bring someone, a lot of those. Yeah, but I bought you dinner. Tell the story and I also got like a bag of Coke. And you gave me money. And I gave you money. I go on stage, I come back, he's gone. I'm like, fucking what?

I think I, wait, that's when we did, that was a fucking show you did on Broadway in Harlem. Yeah, it was 108th Street. Right there, I'll never forget that. And the dope spot was like eight blocks from there. So I'm like, oh my God. He goes, yeah, I'll wait for you. He had like a little pen, he was like my manager.

So then I fired him. And I had a whole new manager. His name was Dan Rega. And that's when the party fucking started. And I still remember me and him going to get coke, coming back and we're like, who's walking on the bridge? And it's George, like, limp. He's like, who's walking on the bridge?

And it's George, like, limp. He's like, who's walking on the bridge? And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. And it's George, like, limp. Oh You can not write this shit

He would fake so the cops wouldn't stop Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I get it though. Sometimes you got a limp to get ahead. So I take Rego to Caroline's. This is the bad motherfuckers that we are. I take Rego to Caroline's. We would always stop in Harlem, get a bag of Coke and then go do comedy. I wouldn't do the Coke.

He would sit there and fucking coach me and tell people to shut the fuck up. It was hilarious. I Do my said I bomb in Caroline's I get off and he's like I'm gonna wait till midnight. I'm gonna enter the contest. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? This is the world I lived in back there he's like yeah, it's gonna be alright I'll buy you a drink you come to the show. I'm gonna fucking kill him this motherfucker won first place There like ten people there this rego went up there lit that fucking room on fire. He won like a porno You can't write this shit, guys.

What a fucking hell fucking ride that was. Something else happened. I took you to do that. I had to beg him to take him to see Rambo. He fucking hated Rambo. He fucking hated Rambo. So I took him to the black movie T 125th Street. Not the we go with on 181st.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. And we had the Chinese that's who the Chinese Cuban Chinese place on like 178 is 179. Yes, yes. And a Carvel around the corner and the coke are around the corner and the, the Coke, not the Cocaine's, well the Coke place was closed but the Wheat Spot was around the corner. And they sat with double,

They had everything, they had gambling. They had everything on that street. They had everything in the Heights. Dope, you used to pull your car into the parking and they'd take you to the 12th floor, the door opened up, wow! It was a fucking Chinese people chicks Fucking drugs. I went there with kirk the old Christy Lorenzo one night

We left there like eight in the morning. They gave you sunglasses. What was the place? It was 170 something She was a right there right the garage the garage Yeah, you just pulled your fucking car and they took you upstairs. You got out of the car cocaine heroin and indictment They had the Irish joints and dice ready for you dice Fucking amazing. Yeah, hate in the morning. Holy shit, and if you're one they'd let you out, you know, they weren't they But if you robbed a stall you weren't getting out of there but but if you if you one. But if you won, if you won, they made sure you got to your car and got the hell out of there. You forgot about walking across the fucking bridge.

Jesus, everybody in Cliffside was robbing their mother's jewelry and going there. They were robbing it, because gold in the 70s, gold and saw. You were getting big money. Trust me, I was part of that Cuban crime wave myself. They were taking that gold dog I was robbing cold telling people they were melting it down in three minutes No evidence and buying coke with it unbelievable. Oh that shit his place in Cliffside. It was a Silver something they had right in the back. It's right behind the counter. They had the melting thing fucking North Bergen

had a guy at the back, right behind the counter, they had the melting thing. From fucking North Bergen. Had a guy at the place was right across from Ashways. There used to be a strip club. Oh, Park Lane Theater, right? The Park Lane Theater. There used to be a nasty host. I mean, just, nah. I don't even know where they picked them up.

They picked them up like a sea cork and brought them there like fresh from the fucking Oh when they got kicked out of the AJ's or whatever my god and next to me the base chick chick who told me that the guy that owned the pharmacy his son just got arrested for Whatever you touch a six-year-old Pedophilia 53rd Street Yeah that his father owned that stuff there there was a trophy shop there But there was a dude who sold like little things trinkets. Everybody knew he was no good. I got a kid

Shipment and I remember he's like dog This shit so big, I'm out of cash. He goes, you just killed me on a Friday. I'm like, he was closing at 6. We walked in there like, fuck this thing, listen, lock the door. Oh my god.

That dude, there was a place next to the donut shop. Dunkin' Donuts across from Hudson County Park. That dude was kinky too. I brought him a couple fucking pieces and shit. He even knew the people. He was like, man, I was thinking of robbing myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, George. Good times.

Good times. Good fucking times. Listen, we're done here, all right? It was a great fucking Tuesday morning. Sorry we went over the time limit. We love you, you got what? Seven more shoplifting days left, so get out there. Oh yeah, fuck it.

Go out there and shoplift. Everybody else is. Holy shit. I would go to that fucking CVS with roller skates on. You know what I'm saying? I'm coming out of there with a basket full of yum Yum, five days in a row. What is the limit in Jersey? Eskaly, huh? Midgets what's the fucking what's the fucking a thousand bucks thousand bucks? That's four days

We don't want people to do four days everybody gets on the school teacher everybody. That's when you get everybody at the yum-yums People like man, you're so generous. No, I'm a good shoplifter. Yeah, fuck you. Anyway, we'll be back For one more before Christmas, right? Yes, we'll be here to feel sorry about tonight. We got a little crazy I love my man George Kaludinsky. Follow him on Instagram, All Star Framing, the best. He's got a tremendous picture. George the Framer. George the, whatever the fuck.

Listen, just look him up, call me, yell for him, like, rock it, you need me? Yell, rock, I'll be. Damn. I love you motherfuckers. See you next week. Stay black The Church New Testament is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, the holidays are always a marathon, right?

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