Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz on Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about toupee's, why Joey doesn't think he would be good at online dating, and Joey's reaction to performing at Madison Square Garden on the LIVE Kill Tony. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Oh, but it was great cuz like The I actually think these are my first ever chili dogs like these and they're a little bit spicy And so like the Italian ice at the end of it was like they're a little bit spicy This motherfucker wanted to get a hot dog that had mustard onions chili relish and cheese on it, and I'm like, you know, let me look at them like in the morning. Do you have any idea?

You have any idea what your asshole will look like in the morning. It's bleeding and intestines hanging out You're trying to tuck it back in one of those tucks from fucking the hemorrhoid company. Well, you know, you've got blood everywhere you burping But I love it definitely I wouldn't know listen, you know, you got blood everywhere, you're burping. But I love- I would definitely be- I wouldn't- Nah, listen, let me tell you something. I'm a whoop-bo-fucking garbage disposal. You know that. I could eat any of that. You know, I try- Listen, like I said, I got a cheat day every week.

I do whatever the fuck I want. Sometimes it's Wednesdays, sometimes it's Saturdays. I go to these tricky Nicky's maybe twice a month, you know, I keep the hot dogs under control But you work hard, you know today I rode the bike and then I went to boxing class with mercy tremendous Mercy and me did Brown's So he would coach her for three minutes and then she hit the bag and then he He'd coach me and I hit pads while mercy hit the bag He made us do some drills. It was fucking tremendous

That's cool. And you did the whole class together? Yeah, it was just a 30-minute private, but we go together. She signed up the 10 and I signed up the 10 So we both went together today because we both had nothing to do. I had to pick her up at 11. So that's perfect, but I just I I Found him the hot dog. I want it. It's the longshoremen Mustard yep mustard hot onions chilies and cheese Yeah, your asshole blow like the like the back of the Batmobile. You know I'm saying oh

We didn't go for any dinner. I didn't see you till late Friday night I went to Jimmy Florentine 60th birthday party Which was fucking tremendous? My other goddamn water. I always bring two or three waters. I drink a lot of water. You know You always got a drink when you always got a high drink When you got shrooms like these take a look at these motherfuckers. Look at this fucking thing. I Thought that was a no shit You don't need any honey Yeah, it looks like it tastes great

No, I put under my lip to get the juice out Where it's on the bottom? And both hey We got like 20 minutes left getting ready to start the party on a fucking Monday night Tuesday morning, you know Gotta kick it off right. I had a great weekend. I Got bad news yesterday I'm sorry No, no, no, I'm sorry. I hate when people say that

You know Not sorry. I don't even know what the bad news is, but it might be good news to me Angel Salazar died I Did see that I got hit up by a few people and then you wake up Monday morning. Everybody's got a picture with him, you know Rest in peace the bullshit got the bid, you know and I was like well, I don't have an angel picture, you know, and I was like, I'm only teasing right But it was you know, I started thinking about it Angel was a fucking character.

Like I met him in 1993 while I was going to an open mic. I just had- And he wasn't an open mic, or was he? No, no. He was comedy star trained. He was in Scarface, he was in a couple movies, but that guy could do some fucking comedy you know a lot of people don't appreciate the style we'll get to that later, but He walked out of a bodega

Like on in the Hell's Kitchen, and I was walking past I just turned around I said hey man You know I always thought he was just an actor then I found out through people he was a comedian I Try, you know those days there was no internet in 93 Thought he could somebody's set so And I approached him like a gentleman. I go I'm a big fan of yours. I just started stand-up comedy Dog this guy was so nice right off the bat. He goes walk with me We walk like two blocks and he goes where you going? He goes all go there go there And then he goes what are you doing next Wednesday night?

and he gave me a flyer for an improv show called Barrio USA And it was in the village Okay, any number Holy shit, and he told me to number. Holy shit. And he told me to come down. And I went that Wednesday night. And I got four dollars in my pocket.

As I'm walking in, fuckos walking out. Eric Clapton. Holy shit. Eric Clapton was there to watch something. I didn't ask. I didn't, you you know none of my business But I went there and then doing one of the breaks I went in the back They said yeah, he was waiting for you and he told me to go up and do set Go up and do six minutes and I'm like

Now when he's like go up, that's what a real comedian does and all this shit bette host Antonio And I went up there and ate a bag of dicks I mean it was just awful awful And I walked off stage and he shook my hand then he didn't talk to me the rest of the night Yeah, you thought I was gonna go away, but I called him the next day and I apologized and he goes bro. I did worse He goes keep doing it and then he goes I'm doing a show Come by but I didn't do that night and then I moved back to Colorado and Then I became a regular at the store and I saw all his pictures

And I inquired he got chased out of the store by Kenison Well, his girlfriend they were at war. I don't really know I Just asked Mitchie one time, and she was like, it wasn't good, but I miss Angel. But I got to do a lot of work with him. And he was one of those guys that was very interesting. This had to be from 97 to like 2001. I must've done eight weeks with him.

Wow. And did he remember you from when he first met? Mm-hmm. He remembered me. He goes, I'm proud of you, stuck with it. Then I told him I was a regular at the store and he fucking loved it. And we worked in El Paso one time. And it was okay You know like when you work with a name like a big name and all week long as a feature you're writing your jokes down

You're learning his fucking cadence. You're learning his credits and You get there that Friday. He's on a TV show and You get there and the guys a dick and then to top it off he heard that fucking funny not at all like people were walking out off for shows and shit angel was one of the first guys I thought was a celebrity that destroyed the room Lee like destroyed it and I knew what those names were getting and I knew what he was getting at the time and they were getting a steal.

He was selling out all the shows and every show was a standing ovation. Don't ask me what he said. He would change on he would be with a diaper. He would start off with a jeans with a shirt with an American flag. He come out to Bruce Springsteen. I mean listen He hadn't written a joke for 20 years when I was working. He was still talking about born in the USA But his opening was how you doing the Spanish people? Where's my Puerto Ricans? Where's my Cubans? Where's my Mexicans?

Where's my Puerto Ricans? Where's my Cubans? Where's my Mexicans? And he would go, where's my Colombians? And he'd go, I wanna talk to you after the show. And he would just fuck it, you know. And it was kinda hacky. It was very hacky at some points, but it didn't matter. He was making them, he was destroying them.

And I always learned a lesson that it doesn't matter what TV show they run You're gonna bump into headliners and you're gonna go up to a master and go Why didn't you ever go to LA and they're gonna go out we didn't like it. I'm married My mother's in a wheelchair, whatever And you're gonna go Wow, if you ever went to LA you kill him You fucking kill. Oh, yeah There's tens cool. They're like those guys. Oh I'm in a lot of great especially around here. There's a lot of great headliners who just don't want to leave but it was

Credit it's nothing to do with that shit. Meanwhile, you work with a guy that's on an ABC show And he's fucking god-awful He's got off like I'm not I'm just saying ABC NBC The only TV guy work with that was solid was Tim Allen that dude was fucking solid He would he's he was a comic, you know, I never worked with Seinfeld but Roseanne was solid When Tom Rhodes got his TV show in the mid 90s. He was solid Margaret show was solid. There's people who get put on shows and They run with it and I God bless them. But when you go see him live, you're like, I'm never coming to this again

And it's a weird as a feature because like as a feature you expect it I expect and I was spoiled around you guys, but I expect as a headliner that they're gonna come in and destroy it Yeah, and then to like see some headliners who are just not very good or you know, not at that level I'll put it that way and then their douchebags the top of all they have a Publish this with them and two agents and a manager and a fucking trainer and you're like, oh Are you fucking eating this dick? Hook line and sink. Let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning What's happening you beautiful savages it's Tuesday August the 13th the check-in is brought to you by

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Just pay $5 shipping. That's it. That's BlueChu.com promo code Joey to receive your first month free. Joey to receive your first month free. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. If it works for Uncle Joey, it'll work for you. Let's get this party started. Just to give up. I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking Well up my brother Great to see you, dude. Great to see to see you too you just left here two days ago I'm good. Is it to see me cocksuck? Dammit I saw the only person who can take a compliment or a nice thing and make it annoying I don't want a compliment. Just talk to me. You just left. It's like people. Oh, you look great

I'm looking like an old Billy goat my skin snack. I got white hair I got missing patches like I mugged the chick and she brought my hair Yeah, how good can I look once my eyebrows turn white? I'll be a fucking albino. Nobody will see me. I have to live with a fuck Will you call them No No, okay I gotta color my hair to shoot videos and whatnot No, okay, I got a color my hair to shoot videos and whatnot

Listen, I call it my head two weeks ago and it just disappeared That means it's over That means don't have something to color. I don't got shit to color. That's your problem. You gotta get a wig or something You got to shave your ass and super glue it to your forehead. Whatever. I thought about they're doing it now They're people flying to Turkey to do that shit like it and they get like hair transplants. It's apparently great But like would you fly a turkey to get like should I? Let me say I'm gonna eat in Turkey You know I'll come back a skeleton So I'd rather as well keep my bald head and not go to Turkey what there's no place in Mexico to do that shit

I don't know. I've heard like it's the experts in Turkey unless they're the experts in Turkey, but you always gonna have that line Right always that forehead line. You're gonna look at y'all. That's a wig or you know, he did a fuck and he shaved his back He shaved his back and put on his head you know, you're always gonna have that fucking line, and it's just Sometimes it looked good, but sometimes it just looks like you got a fucking wig even though it's your own hair oh And that one like that would be terrible, but there is I'm just thinking and he's a nice guy But there's a pharmacist at a CVS near me that just has a toupee There's a pharmacist and a CVS near me that just has a toupee

But like never matched the color and just he's an older dude and it doesn't he's not fooling anybody I like it just I never wanted to be that guy. No, there's old guys that one morning go my fool It could be a red wig and I got white head It really is, you know, you can just do this shit so much before you go What am I thinking? When you walk into a place of the wig you think you're fooling anybody You know and who's killing me about the wigs was in Hollywood especially all those motherfuckers got hair pieces and they all have the fucking redone hairdo and they're getting Yeah, half of those motherfuckers

No, oh, yeah, we Yeah, they do the fucking head thing on the offseason. They spray paint their head dog. I was on movies Okay, you're like big like big level actors have fake hair. Oh all of a lot of them a lot of Set they put on little wigs a little pieces and that ain't dog you want to hire a 75 year old They ain't gonna come in there looking like fucking George Reaves. You know, I'm saying like Superman and but 75 like and I don't want to say anyone's name and having a man

I'm thinking like a list level like action star is like partially bald or are you talking about older guys? I'm talking about there's a ton of there's a bunch of younger guys that have done the hair weaves and the pieces jobs and you see it and You know the guy from Jack whatever his name was a mustache What's his name? EV Jack last one He's got a weird mustache to boot and I got a deal

Nobody would talk to you if you had a headpiece Now people are too nice and you go up to somebody with a headpiece. You gotta get two-minute conversation. I listen Talk to me when you take the wig off and they move on You know, I can't talk to you with that fucking hamburger meat on your head Did you ever mess with a guy who had a jubay like when you were a kid? I Worked with a guy and I tell him to take it off every day and then I would tell him I'm gonna fucking take that to pay and rob it he's go no I paid seven thousand dollars for it, you know, I would never do what a fucking stolen to pay

We're gonna sell it to you know, that's a clear Who you gonna sell it to pay it unless you go like an old folks home and get the small 50 Yeah You go like an old folks home and get the small 50 Yeah I'm just glad I never did it. I wish I wish I could get this lasered I wish I could get like that ring. I have like just hey, I hate it Nothing ever comes up here. I'm goofing on it, but it's not a funny issue for a lot of people Because it is They take it very seriously.

Listen, man, I grew up with a kid that he threw away his life in search of hair. He went to Egypt. He painted it. He did everything he could. And it just wasn't working. And his dad had a full head of hair. And he used to be a good-looking kid.

The hats, the wigs, the fucking fucking whole thing and at the end of the day All that treatment not a fucking hair came up. Oh No, I never and that's the problem I think that's like how I got lucky is I was never like a good-looking dude I wasn't like I was getting a lot of chicks with hair. So it never really bothered me If I was a good-looking dude, that'd be terrible looks don't matter when you got the heart of a tiger a big dick You just got to sell the dick and see what happens. You know say you tell him right off the ballot

I'm not a good-looking guy. I don't want to meet your family. I just want to slice You know, I don't want to meet nobody It's like that dude's not good-looking but I'm not shy You got you know that never meant nothing. I seen some ugly motherfuckers and some bitches lately and it's the month Or it's just that they're honest women are sick and tired of Dealing with pretty boys and the fuck and eating somebody else's asshole. Yeah, they just get sick of it some women They would chubby ugly do they got a cheat on you and he's gonna know like it's the last asshole in the world, so But I'm gonna put that on my gender profile. What's that?

You used to tell me to do that Used to tell me to write some crazy shit in my tent I'm sure women don't want to talk to guys with flowers if you're on attendance because you want to be manipulated And somebody first window, you know and eat your ass while you're waiting for the ambulance. There's always something. Bro, people are fucking nuts, okay? Yes, they are. And when people talk about sexual fantasies and all that shit, people are nuts. People are nuts. You don't like talking about your fantasies? Listen, I'm lucky I pumped three times and eat some butter. I was never a sexual guy in the sense of like putting roses on a bed or Because the payoff was never gonna be big for me when I did coke

I enjoyed it more than when I'm sober I don't really it wasn't my style when I was for me to get crazy I had to get coke in me and make me talk evil and tell him I want to suck your spine out of your back and you know but you know what's like that's the stuff that works like I never did roses on the bed but like I was never really like a like a big like you know dirty talk like stuff like that and but they they would much rather you tell them that you're gonna like then say nothing or be like shy oh listen and I didn't write the rules. I saw it. I saw a friend of mine when we were very young. Just tell women, listen, we could talk and bullshit.

I got a grandma fucking coke. Let's put it on your titties and let's shoot a dart at him. Whatever. And the girls will leave him. And here you your whole life you think and there's some women who do want gentlemen There's still some very decent women left. I'm not saying of course of course But look at this as a whole I was not I didn't come from a tinder lifestyle No, I'm where you go home. Even if you could just go home and call a number and who's available my area Well, we got a fucking chick with a missing foot down on 74th Street You know

It's pretty much what tinder is. Yeah, it's me telling you I want to get laid tonight They that's what they like advertise it as but then like, you know, it's guys and girls are just different There are some women who will do that, but most of them like, you know, they want I don't even understand it. I'd be scared Look I was always very scared of that. I don't know what I'm gonna meet. Oh Yeah, well they do I will say they like are a little bit more careful now like you have to submit like another picture So like they know you are who you say but they get her people get around it And I'm going kind of creepy take them for lunch first

at least get them there's that commercial with the chick who goes to To fucking a silent date or whatever the fuck you call them and the guy comes out. He's like, oh you're lucky night I forgot my wallet and she's like BAM Is because I couldn't that's the part where I couldn't handle. What was that like? Like I got tricked when I was 31 years old when you ain't tricking me again. When I got into comedy in 1995, I told you I went to Michigan on the way back from driving the

fucking three days my shoulders get locked. Okay. I seen all these signs from the Seusses. I didn't know nothing. I never went to a fucking Seuss. And I went to a Seuss in some part of Michigan. When I walked in there, the girl was fucking amazing. And then when I walked in the back,

she threw the B team at me. She threw a little trick that looked like a grandma that kept saying, I suck it. I ain't hand job, $40. And then when I walked in the back she threw the B team at me Look at your grandma. I kept saying I suck it. I handjob $40 and I'm like, why would I want to argue with him? Like I'm out of here. What the fuck is the world come to a head job before I just gave you 40 I don't know. I'm down take pants off. Why I want my shoulder rubbed Like I've never really I don't know it's not my fuck you know and now but how does that what well why would you have to do that for dating I want to get them I want to talk to somebody first before I just meet him somewhere and I'm sure we what if I show up and that's right yeah I got tricked because the girl sold me fucking false advertising

And also she takes me in the back with the one-ton dragon I don't need this shit in my life oh It's I haven't gotten tricked. I just think you know it's the same thing everyone puts up their best-looking picture But somebody somebody in our circle in LA got trick one night I picture but somebody somebody in our circle in LA got tricked one night I can't remember who but even if I remember I couldn't tell his I wouldn't say his name right of course not this had to be about 12 2014 somebody from the ha ha went on one of those pages one of those pages where the chicks charges like 50 but I don't fucking know I heard the story like weeks later and when he got there, there was a black check and they mugged him

That is scary I've heard I've heard about that in Vegas to like never get like a hooker on the street They'll come in they'll they'll take your stuff when you're in the shower in the bathroom people are late I'm very cautious of that shit and I don't know. I just rather whack off and fucking have to go through that whole process somebody come into the house At two in the morning. I Don't know it. I don't know what they're gonna be talking about You know, I don't know if they're gonna come in here start telling me about Martians and ayahuasca Yes, that they were fucking

Transported to another planet. I I can't call 9-1-1 because I invited her in But you start talking to me about that silly shit, I'm gonna lose my mind especially three in the morning when I'm doing blow See that's the thing. I never had drugs involved. I would have like snacks for them and that was but there were some crazy there's some people who were just saying some stuff that you never what do you say you got some chubby chicks coming over you got to have some snacks for oh I always had snacks there was like, Oh, I always I have stuff for them to go like a little goodie bag. Oh my god. I don't know. I just couldn't in today's world. I wouldn't do well. Like when people remember the first time I heard I slid into your DMS, they weren't talking to me. It

was somebody else. DMS. I don't even know what they're talking about. Nobody's ever seen that. And then like direct messages and I'm like, oh, okay, I got it. I don't know about that. Slip into somebody's how do you slip into somebody's DM? Oh, it takes like a like a different level of confidence because with the dating apps, you have to like both say that you want to talk to each other. And then you can talk to each other on dms For most people you could just send them a message some people you have to follow But if you see a girl that you like you could in theory just message her be like you're pretty like let's and like just That's what sliding into the dms is i've never i've i've like talked to girls on there but never Like it was never me reaching out to them like oh you're hot

That's that's a different level of confidence Already, oh cuz I ain't a watch what I started eating about 615. I took some edibles. So why did you take more? Because what are you gonna fucking be a bartender and being out and on a? You know, nobody wants to sit at a bar and buy a drink from his fucking a a guy He's looking at you selling your vodka tonic by the same time. He's like you're ruining your life cocksucker. Yeah, you know How can I talk about shrooms if I don't eat one and toast you guys on a beautiful Tuesday morning? That's what real gentlemen do they toast toast shit. Good morning, take a washroom out. Like you right now, if you had any heart,

you'd eat another edible right now. It's Tuesday, you're gonna be on a train at four. You don't wanna be awake in the morning. You wanna sleep on that fucking animal. Oh, I would, I can't hit another 100 milligrams. Are you crazy? Sure. You saw me, you saw me on Saturday night.

I was, I had food dripping everywhere. You just about to. You're not in training. The best was he told me he was going home to have a diet meal. I was on Saturday well. I've lost like over 20 pounds recently, but I got back on Saturday night And I stopped a wah-wah to let me tell you the honest to God truth To get a fork and a knife to eat those diet meals and then when I was there Because we drove back from the city we I felt like I was getting smuggled because I was really high and we went from one car to another car and At the end of that drive my mouth was so hot and so dry

I got to Wawa and I was like you got me a milkshake there before so I got a milkshake and then You know, it just it just sort of the real they have ketchup chips at Wawa So I ate I look at fucking animal on Saturday night and then I did two diet meals Jesus Lee. Oh I had a protein shake when I got in the car and I had a breakfast light breakfast and then we got to kill Tony and that fucking chef was there from Instagram and he was like did you eat? And I'm like, no, but I could eat. I've smoked some dope.

And I went in there and he was pushing the great sandwiches. The guy from White Plain, I have his card in my fucking wallet. Not I read his name out because he did a great job. And I, and what I was craving, just a tiny plate of baked ziti. I craved that ziti. I took the meatball, put it on it and let the sauce on the fucking ziti. I killed one plate of ziti and four fucking meatballs. And I was like, and he kept pushing the sandwiches on me that look delicious. I just don't like eggplant.

Me either usually, but it was, I had a, that's how good it was. Is I had a chicken colored, like roasted eggplant and roasted red peppers. And I don't like eggplant or red peppers. And that was so good. Bread, was up dead bread. That ain't even Jersey bread.

Jersey bread ain't that good That's real bread. That's that Brooklyn bread that white Plains bread that shit Could fucking see you know you can't put that down. It was like it was like what? Yeah, you're not putting that fucking bread down with sauce around you or a meatball we even need the rest of the food bread meatball, and it's horrible for you, but not horrible. The meatballs are like two, three points, but they put veal and those are real meatballs. So you can't- Right, plus you're eating like 17 of them. I ate four. I used to be able to eat 16 of those things. So trust me. Four is not bad

when they're that good and that clean. it's not like fucking some guy cooking meatballs. These meatballs were You know, I want to talk to him That's why I saved this card because I'm gonna call him and set up a meatball Sam Challenge that there's a dude in Jersey Who makes a wall that'll fucking kill you and just a dude or a restaurant. It's a dude It'll kill you. Is it just a dude or a restaurant? It's a dude, especially out. Oh, nice. OK. Nice. It'll kill you.

It's that good. We don't have to do a meatball, but it's a WIU meatball, and you get three of them for $90. I'm not talking about that. They're phenomenal meatballs. Right. Talking about plain Jane meatballs, what these guys sell every day, those

are the best two meatballs I've had in 50 fucking years. And I love my fucking meatballs. You know, I'm saying Oh, yeah, I should again. Hold on. I'm gonna talk to these motherfuckers about Draft Kings NFL is right around the corner. I'll be back What's happened you beautiful people as you know? UFC 305 is around the corner and draft King Sportsbook The official sports betting partner the UFC is here to bring you a tremendous opportunity The middleweight title is on the line for the main event

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and over, age varies by jurisdiction. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance deposit and eligibility restrictions apply see terms and responsible gaming resources at DK and g.co Mma we're back bitches Don't forget DraftKings football Fantasies coming up you still got baseball. You got a great UFC fight coming up and that's it and that's that But let's get the kill Tony now Yeah, I Learned a lot the other night and I spoke about it on the patreon podcast today

Hard work pays off sticking with something pays off. Sticking with something pays off. When you first start something, people always want to knock you down. Why are you doing that? Nothing's ever going to happen. Look what happened. I mean, I think the podcast has been going since 2010, 2011, 2009, and the reality of it started a 90-seat room. That's the fucking reality of that podcast. And you saw what I saw on Saturday.

Four levels of people packed. And it started with a 90 person commitment. Oh, they're just a show in general, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. And that's what I was explained to people that You read about all these people like when you you grew up in Boston Who was a local guy when you were growing up that went to the pros or? You know Fucking let's just say Doug Flutie. I don't know if he's from here, but I think he went to Boston College

He went to my he's from Boston. I think I don't know let's just say in college. You went to, now he's from Boston? I think, I don't know, let's just say. I'm looking for somebody that came from your county that you looked at one day and go, oh my God, he made it to the Reds. I don't know if I could do that, you know, but at least it opens your eyes.

Right. It gets you interested of what things you could do. Cause as you're growing up, you look at your neighbor, unless you grew up in Beverly Hills or fucking, you growing up you look at your neighbor unless you grow up in Beverly Hills or fucking you know You look at your neighbor. You're like everybody's blue collar Everybody were you know, it's kind of yeah It's not sports. But for me it was Chris Evans. He went to my high school and he Captain America. There you go. Not even sports. Okay, so when you saw that it opened your eyes

Yeah, a little bit even if you said that's not what I want to do It just goes to show you what a person from your neighborhood could do people fucking do things, you know, mm-hmm and But then you meet somebody and For us at either a comic For me, the first person I met was my neighbor. We were neighbors for a month.

He would come over at night. We'd split a bag of reefer, you know. He was a little younger than I was. His girlfriend and my girlfriend danced together. And they just, we were neighbors. And then I became pretty tight at night. After the comedy store He come to shows like I said one day he came in I

Asked him where he was. He says he was in fucking Ohio shooting a commercial For three days and he goes it was weird because they made me switch bags To make a long story short his first check was two hundred fifty thousand dollars Okay And he got another fucking half a mil or something. He bought a house. He bought a five series BMW and him and the girl got married. She stopped wiggling. So when you see that you go, wow, now stupid and you're ignorant. You get mad and you go, he's lucky. I'll never be that lucky because guys like us feel that we either got to rob you

Or win the lottery to ever be millionaires. It's never really gonna happen in your fucking lifetime Nobody else in your family or millionaires. Why would you there's so many negatives around you, but then you get to hollywood And for me it was real. It was ralphie may How many fucking times did we share money to go to fucking Rouse and buy Coke cuts at three in the morning or go to Jack in the Box or to buy a bottle of vodka? You know, it was it was real and all of a sudden one day he moved into a gated community and within two months later he was in the house. Wow. And that has to do something to you as somebody's friend,

not make you jealous or angry. I knew Ralphie had done the hard work. I fucking knew it. He deserved everything he got. And once you start feeling that way and going that could be me, that could be me if I keep doing it it'll happen it'll happen because you surrounded yourself with people that are doing things yeah and it's not gonna it's not for you to come to me and go fucking Ralphie got another deal Josh Wolf is making this much that no it's for you to go mental note I'm beating that for me it was the first time I heard Martin Lawrence made 10,000 episode on death jam I was like, that's my number

Yeah, and fucking good number a good number, you know but to walk in there and see the hard work and Then see the people from the comedy store To look at dice to look at Paulie sure and Just the generations of the store, you know Like I'm the class of 97. I don't know who gives a fuck That's hard work, man. And that's why I took you I wanted you to see Because you knew the podcast. I think you did kill Tony early on didn't you? No, not yet

Then you go down there with me when I did it one time? Remember I was doing it on a Monday night or something? I don't think I was there, but I've watched it. And it's, yeah, that was exactly how I felt there on Saturday night. You know, that's what I'm trying to do. And to see, you know, like I had never met a tell before, South Volcano, everyone was there.

But it was just, it was really cool to, exactly what you were saying, just be like, you know what? I'm not going on stage tonight, but maybe like if I keep working, maybe I'll either do a show at then, or do, you know, my own version of Madison Square Garden. Like my version of Madison Square like my my version of Madison Square Garden is the Wilbur listen that's what I wanted to

it's your success it may not be the garden Lee it may not be the garden and maybe something smaller but that feeling when you see your hard work. Yeah. On stage, Lee, I couldn't breathe. And then stop clapping. No, they got real for me was when I looked up. That's what I got people or the jumbotron or both the jumbotron at the people in the top row and I counted the rows down and For every row is like seven years of my life. I dedicated to get to that row So I've been doing comedy about 26, you know 30 something years. It was four rows. It was like Seven years a row

That's what I as soon as I looked at it. I wasn't thinking of jokes. I wasn't thinking of any I was just thinking about how great it was that I got on that stage that night and how great it was that I Stuck with it not knowing Not knowing any of this shit was gonna evolve, you know And then when Aaron whatever came on he started throwing football I started throwing weed Weed that was tremendous at this guy he was from Jersey. He tweeted me. I see he wants to know where I got I got it from a friend of mine but all that was to me was a

great way to end or A great way to end or a great way to start again You know Nothing could top that night for me Unless I in two years make a goal to sell that out Right. I don't need that goal, but I'm pretty happy seeing what my work did and if it was the garden, then so be it. For some people, it might have been a movie, a TV show.

For me, it was never the garden until I looked at those things and I looked at what that place meant to me, how many people I went there to see and all, from fights to basketball games to concerts, hockey games, college basketball. So it just felt it hit a little different, you know? When did you start feeling that way? Because even being backstage there must have been pretty cool for you.

No. Or no, and not then, okay. I have an idea of what was going on and while I was talking to the audience, they look like any other audience in front of you right? left that I go holy and then I looked around the rim and I'm like And right there I counted the levels and I go About seven years a piece that clapping and yelling and Joey and I'm like Calcul calculating shit.

Yeah, it was like the equalizer, it slowed down. Like I was thinking, I was laughing to myself because every time I do a show now, people will say like, oh, how much time do you want me to do or this or that? And you always used to laugh at me about that. But then you got the call to like tell you what you were doing, like basically on the way to the- On the way, you saw that, you heard it it people think like, you know, I got the call

They told me I was going up and they were gonna do something But you were in the car with me at approximately five o'clock Right when they called and said this is what you're doing in two hours You're going on stage for the few minutes and you're going on Yeah, and People like hit me up. Why did you do more time? You just bailed? Talk the show was over

Yeah, oh, yeah over. He even said it we got to rush through this because it ran out of time They had a time lock or they got fined Yeah, that's I forget who I was talking to it wasn't anyone involved with the show, but there's like a humongous It's not like a $500 fine. It's like tens of thousands of dollars for a minute or something a Minute they charge you by Like eight thousand a minute ten thousand a minute. So nobody wants to pay for that shit unless you don't give a fuck Unless you just go I'll rip the check up Ten thousand a minute so nobody wants to pay for that shit unless you don't give a fuck

Unless you know I'll rip the check up Rip it up. It don't matter. I Almost got kicked out. It was it was I if I it was almost like another south point But thankfully it wasn't animals. Thankfully I I didn't have I didn't have a problem But like they take it see they take security seriously It's like not it's not just some security guard that they hire for ten bucks. These guys are like for two hours So shame on them at 1010. They decided at 945 They decide they wanted to throw you on and they fuck that's gotta be Johnny white man You know, he's like he's not even the security

He's like the help they got like from that security detail those places But they give your shirt that night and 1250 and you go home with a fucking hamburger You can't have a gun or a water pistol. That's why that it was 10 o'clock. The show was ending at 10 He decided to come up to you at a quarter to 10. Oh, yeah. Yes is Jesus like fucking Chicago It's thank God for Steve Simone. saved me he found the guy he's getting through the small 15 an hour when a hamburger and also they want to play rental cop and fucking tend to fuck it and you're like guy are you oh I would have been pissed because I do I I haven't heard a poly everyone like the show is great

Everyone did great all the all the panelists were awesome Tony and red band awesome But then like when when they announced you at the basically end of the show Like I've never heard that was like huge. Well, that must have been the biggest you've ever gotten I would imagine Huge well that must have been the biggest you've ever gotten I would imagine No, I got a bigger audience crowd at a 200 seat or one time Lee are you retarded this 18? Little bit right now Even if 10,000 shut up, I would have still had, you know, it was still, I didn't let it, you know, the only problem I had was I couldn't breathe.

How long did it take you to catch that? 10 or 15 minutes. Because their energy was 18,000 coming at you. Right. And it felt like their energy wouldn't let my stomach expand. So I was just yelling, you know, without letting my stomach expand. And then when I got off and they made me come up,

I ran up those stairs to boot. I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die. I just held onto the thing. I was singing with the drummer because I couldn't move. I just make him believe I was singing with the drum Did you like see yourself in that in the stadium? I guess a kid like and the places you sat like what was going on what was going through your head? All I kept thinking about was I talking about going there for the fucking circus That's all I kept thinking about I had gone there for millions of things

But all I think about when I go in there that's humorous to me is the circus. For years, people were like, did you see gladiator? No, I went to the circus when I was fucking six. I went to the circus in New York City. Whatever they did throughout the country, they would fucking have to do it better here. So they eliminated the net.

If you fall, you fall. This is New York City, you know. Kids getting hit in the head with fucking lights. The next year they came back with like special Olympian helmets. They didn't even know what special were. They were like homemade helmets that your father made for you.

So you wouldn't get hit with a little light in the head at Madison Square. That's all I can think about. I could think about walking there. I wasn't thinking about anything I even told Rogan right in front of you. You were sitting right there when I go dog I don't know what I'm gonna say. I knew that was true. He's like, you don't know what you're gonna say. No You have anything for me to say and he was like And I asked you and you tip me with with something weird I'm like nah I can't say any of that shit I gotta hit

these motherfuckers like you know Johnny bench 73 whoo oh yeah and you did like you and that's that's when you really should record is every time you've ever said to me that you don't know what you're gonna say It's like it's been your best sets Which is crazy Could you dig deep deep in the fucking murky waters? You know I'm saying but mushrooms are doing good. You're yawning. Oh Yeah, I love these troops. I'll be on fire by now Whoo ready to go ready? You know saying

But yeah now I don't know what to do. I don't know what my next move is. You know, I still remember walking out of the garden and that hot Puerto Rican girl talking to me about a reminder of her father. I'm like, that's not what I want to fucking hear from. Oh, that's a bummer. Yeah, she was great.

She was funny as hell, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great nightmer. Yeah. Yeah, she was great. She was funny as hell though. Oh, yeah Yeah, great night, but I was happier for you Lee Me having an old man. Oh, I give a fuck but I was happier for you I wasn't even happy about going on stage as much as I was happy for bread banning Tony I'm very proud of those guys. Those guys are What I dreamed of you know that everybody could do no matter what if you're a guitarist you know once you pick what you want you have to push and I know bro he got into it tens of millions of arguments with agents

over that show trust Tony yeah's going on in the background and He did his dream man. So for that I got a toast that motherfucker That's big when people tell you what to do and you tell them fuck you and you win. That's big That's like, you know Roseanne or when you take that role and you win They can't fuck with you no more. Yeah, I didn't know, Jesus Christ. I didn't like, I didn't know any of that was happening, but it's just crazy in the last, it seems like four years or so.

They taste good, they have pepper in them. They're peppery, it tastes like that chick that looks like shoe leather at the stores. The chick that looks like shoe leather at the stores That's The chick that looks like shoe leather What chick I don't know The fucking The salt be jerky be jerky it tastes okay when they say it's gonna be peppery That's what this tastes like these are peppery mushrooms for any event. You know I'm saying

It's gonna be a lot more than the fucking beef jerky. Oh, yeah, I'll be up to a four in the morning tonight looking at windows Looking for you at falls waiting for the Jews to strike, you know, oh we're coming No, it's getting ugly out there they they're doing something all they said you I sent stuff over there. So yeah They might not be a school year So you know I'm saying there might not be a lot of things in September So if you're going on vacation August take the shit that you love Because like I said before We rock hardcore once the fucking Israel starts launching those missiles. They're gonna hit anything

Like if you live in Pittsburgh, I'd be scared anything with the begins repeat Pennsylvania Pittsburgh Philadelphia fucking Even Oregon gotta look at us Parabas. Yeah, that's like now from my house. That's why I'm on delay anything with a pre you would they're gonna fucking you know, so Good luck to everybody. I think I'm eating mushrooms at nine o'clock at night because I'm optimistic This is not gonna be good, you know I'm saying oh No, that was a great night. Oh,. You know, in so many ways, but that was,

it was, to me it was like a comedy store night off. So Mitchie Shaw was there, but then the wake up Sunday and see poor Angel was dead. That's sad. The last Angel story I heard was from Rock Chess to New York, because Angel was a savage. Right. And he had two shows on a Saturday night.

I told this on the Rogan show and I got in trouble. Angel sent me like a long message and I'll tell you what he said to me. So I hadn't seen Angel in years. I used to party with Angel. You know, I used to do everything with Angel. Angel's a good dude. I was just thinking about this. What was I talking about?

Maybe your last story of Angel Salazar, I think in Rochester. I told the Rochester story on Rogue and he sent me a message today. It's not the way you said it. But anyway, so he goes to Rochester. He has two brilliant shows on Friday night. Now. It's Saturday night He goes out Friday night

With his creepy friends. They do coke to like fucking 2 in the afternoon like usual guys fucking 60 years old He's got two shows. He goes does the first show and he kills He tells the owner the club. Listen, I'm going in, I'm going to close the door. I'm going to take a little nap. I didn't sleep too good last night. He closed the door. They knock on the door an hour later, no angel. An hour 10, no angel. An hour 15, they kicked the door down.

There's angel, foaming from the fucking mouth to the other whole thing. I wonder why he had a problem with you telling this story. They gave him tea, they gave him nitrous oxide, they woke him up and he went on stage. He did like 20 minutes, he was just falling apart. So they took him off stage and they put him back on the couch and he slept. And then when he woke up, they carried him out to his Jeep and Scotch taped his check to the fucking windshield. When he woke up, he was outside in the Jeep. So when he heard me tell the story, he reached out to me immediately.

He goes, you are wrong. He goes, they roofied me so they didn't have to pay me. Just the fuck. Somebody would roofie you when I started having drug dealers. I was like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not, who has a drug? And that's when I started having drug dealers wait for me after I saw his lead. Really?

I worked with him in Miami on New Year's Eve. And it was one of the second biggest bombings of my life. And that's me, him, my girlfriend, and two other crazy people. And I was like, I'm gonna go to Miami. I'm gonna go to Miami. I'm gonna go to Miami. And it was one of the second biggest bombings of my life Me him my girlfriend and two other crazy chicks snorted coke like the four in the afternoon the next day and

Somebody's crazy apartment and that was a friend of his he just took us all He didn't know I knew the girls. I knew them for a long fact I In fact, I'm still friends with them. And he didn't know my girlfriend, and he just said, come, everything's taken care of. We were there till four in the fucking afternoon, New Year's day. And did you have a show? No, we had a show the next day, the second. Oh, okay.

But I bombed so fucking, that was the second time I worked Miami. But I had never worked New Year's. It wasn't the same audience that they usually get. So I went up there thinking it was a Wednesday night. Ooh, Lordy. No bueno, I bombed two shows that night. Oh no, and were they both bad?

Like, there was no food left. The salmon was coming out late. I could say a thousand excuses, but it was me. Right was me right not the wrong way and I didn't read my audience It was an older audience They were Jewish people from West Palm Beach Okay, speaking Spanish and they looked at me like not tonight there fucking boy You're not gonna iron my shirts. Don't be talking that shit tonight. It's New Year's Eve I would love to see you do that in front of all Jewish people cuz yeah, I

died a slow death that fucking thing and What year was it do you think? 2000 New Year's No 99 99 2000 I was no past so with a magician 99 I was in El Paso with a magician 99. I was in Miami with him How did it go with the magician not too good

Not too good it never does go well, you know These clubs hire different genres and I appreciate it, but Eve Unless you got a lame fucking audience who wants to see a fucking magician on New Year's Eve Right, I mean unless you like I Mean who wants to see a fucking magician who would take the honey? Guess what? You know that comedy club on Main Street. There's a magician down there New Year's Eve We should get our friends. Have you got two other people that go easy? You got to take all four of those people sit them down and put the gas on

You know who the fuck goes to see a magician on New Year's Eve. I want to see a dog disappear on New Year's Eve No, I want to see a bird disappear some guy with a top hat No, I want to see a bird disappear some guy with a top hat what about card tricks No, are you fucking crazy? When I was 10 that's good for New Year's some guy comes in and does pre card tricks and on the way but I don't want no see no fucking magician on easy dog Even there like whether like more than 10 people there? Bunch of Mexicans were there,

but they don't like magicians either. They started walking out after me. Oh no. Mexicans don't like magicians. I know you don't. No, I don't like magicians. They, I just, you know, whatever. Don't get me started on magicians.

It's a nice night. I'm happy. Yeah, I don't want to bring it down. But no, again, I killed Tony was just amazing. It was so cool to see like everybody. Nah, for me, it was more than just, it was just, I was blown away. I was really blown away by the work,

you know, what they did, how they, you know, Tony, just Tony and Redman, man, and they kept doing it during the pandemic. Yeah. And it was selling out during the pandemic, big in Austin. And I'm like, these guys, anybody who went out during the pandemic like that work people didn't forget No, and I think I think they were also really smart with like they they do a great job on youtube I think like that's People love watching it. It's like podcasts are great and I love them But like if it's mostly audio

Like you have to have some youtube and if it's a great YouTube if it's like a real actual show It's gonna do great You know, it's great like we've been alive podcast with the church yeah, well I said we can't sustain it Sustainable at the time I was traveling, you know It would have been great to do a tour with the podcast at that time. We would have fucking done great Right. Yeah in back in the line, sir It would have been great, but it was just too much with the road. I was trying to get it on Thursday nights Do you remember like I talked to a few clubs like ah, we rather you just do stand up

We don't they didn't understand the concept that no I don't understand the concept their own little, their special part, and they have the great guests. It's like, it shouldn't, it almost shouldn't work, but then like the way they wove it all together, it's perfect. You know, this is with the band. Yeah. And everything, I love open mics. I love- Really? I don't love to see people bomb

as well as how they react to the bomb You're gonna bomb on stage Lee, but if you let the audience know that you're bombing you're gonna bomb harder Right, you know when you're a young comic you'll start saying like ooh, this is a long night You know you start blaming the audience on stage and you're just digging yourself into a deeper hole Just digging into a deeper hole, Just digging yourself into a deeper hole. You've seen it. And that's what I liked about open mics, that I wanted to see how people reacted to not doing well.

Because that's the learning process. I know I'm not doing well, but I'm not giving up. I'm going to go back around. I'm going to go back to basics and Trust me some nights. It's just not your fucking night, man. I was dead tons of those nights But some nights you start off great and there's a low a Lot of people you learn how to get yourself out of the low Right. Oh, yeah, and I can't even then there's because I cut a 45-minute set into three pieces

Okay, I cut it into 15 minute chunks. That's how you should look at it. So there's three periods you could lose the first two periods and still come back the third period and Well, just destroy You could you could win the first round, lose the second and come back strong on the third, but you're not going to recover from the second and third from them two fucking rounds. It's just not going to work out for you. Right. And that's what I looked at. I always looked at headlining when I started getting better at its 15 minute chunks and Between those 15 minute chunks you can take around a little bit to add two three minutes to it

Before you go into that other fucking chunk to rip their hearts out for the last time That's a whole new level What's that? Just like looking because to me I'm at the point where if I'm doing 45 or more I'm just doing pretty much every joke I've ever written No, I want you to look at it in 15 minute spots and break it up Intro medium remember when you went to school and they taught you how to write a letter, right? Same thing. I'm writing a letter to the audience

So you have the first paragraph you have your second paragraph and then you close strong your third paragraph You can't lose the first you could lose the first two And come back so deadly in the third that it's fucking you know, but that's how you have to look at it and those segues That's when you have your two minutes to drink your water giggle a little bit Say whatever you have to just in between that to kill time Right, and it but it is also as hard with the open mics. It's hard to do that in five minutes It's hard in one minute. It's almost impossible Mike when I give you 15 minutes. I want you to chop it up into threes

What oh, yeah, I give you 10 minutes. You're gonna chop it up into threes what oh, yeah, I give you 10 minutes You're gonna chop it up into threes. You're gonna have three rounds or three minutes You're always gonna divide your sets like that. That's gonna make you a lot better when you go up there. I Want you to know where you are every minute of your set? So I don't want you just to go up there. I want you to actually say this is my intro This is what they're first gonna see this is what they're gonna see and they're gonna make a decision within I don't know what the consensus is 28 seconds whether they like me or they don't Interesting if I go that role then I got them, but you know what? I'm not fucking Richard Pryor

I might not get him in the second round I'm not fucking Richard Pryor. I might not get him in the second round Something might happen. Somebody drops a dish. I Say the wrong joke. I say the word cunt on stage, which is terrible, which I never did But I'm just fucking saying sometimes you get that loss Now it's and instead of them showing that you're losing the war You stand firm You put the microphone, and you go back to your basics. You go back to one.

And you never address it. You just keep going. No, you address it, but go back to one. What did you do in one? You tried to win them over. Slow it down. Slow it down. Things got out of control. You ever get to an argument with somebody and you go slow it down. Things got a little out of control and you end up hugging and kissing and that's

the same thing. Sometimes in the second quarter things get out of control. Yeah. I said something, you said something, she dropped a glass. You know, I didn't know that she had a retarded son, and I called somebody a retard. All these things happen. Right. But if you know that I'm dying, you're gonna die. I'm not ever fucking let you know that I'm dying. Even off of my mind last fucking, and

the times I died early was because I let them know I was dying. Why would I let them know they're dying? I already they see that I'm fucking dying up here So why would I keep them all this is a long night I could see you guys don't have a sense of you when I you start turning on and Now you're really not gonna get nowhere I rather you get out of there as a gentleman and they'll come back and see you a second time because everybody knows you have a bad night But don't run off the stage and say, you know, you guys don't have a sense of humor But I was so high on the mushroom just now. I thought you were me. I'm looking

fucking mirror That was been down on who that it's scary for probably for you You look at it and I didn't look at it like that the first 10 years Don't think I looked at it the first 10 years because I would have gone farther in my career. I Looked at this one When you started planning when I started headlining Okay, got it You know if you're MC and you 15 minutes spot you got three fifty three five minute quarters

If you're a feature you have anywhere from 25 to 30 minutes. You got three ten minute quarters and If you're a headliner, you got three fifteen minute quarters Then anything you do after that is on if you're a headliner, you got three 15 minute quarters Then anything you do after that is uh, if you're winning at 45 Take a chance, but don't push don't give them too much Because then they won't come back Right depending on earlier look out of there. It's really a hard chemistry And it's hard to actually make that map

Early on because you don't trust yourself where it's going to go. But that's the best way. I took that from talking on the phone, selling on the phone. They have, I just call, I'll have, for a month or for two months, I'll call you. And the guy that's looking over my shoulder is telling me to tell you what's on that sheet But after 90 days he don't bother me no more he knows I'm already a good salesman

So I become cocky and what do I do I go off the script? and Then for two months, I don't sell dick. I Might sell one or two, but I ain't gonna sell like I used to. And then you go back to the script. I never really wanted to have a script on stage. I wanted to where I was and where I was going. I could switch third quarter

with the second quarter anytime. And you wouldn't. Absolutely. If that first quarter material's not winning, Third quarter with the second quarter anytime and you would Absolutely, if that's first quarter materials not winning. Let's hit him with the fucking heater Let's go I don't do that enough and then also I What you just blew my mind with is like because you always hear about like the closer like the closing set closing bit Well, like I'm thinking back to a lot of my bombs and I think it's because of the opening bit.

I would try something new and do you think the opening is almost as important? In the beginning and it fails, you still got three quarters. Right, but you're talking about first impressions. So I'm saying to have a really good opening joke is like super important When I got into comedy I loved ice and I loved Bill Hicks, but I also loved Lenny Clark out of Boston Mm-hmm, because the minute Lenny Clark touched a microphone he went to work He brought Boston on stage He brought Boston on stage I

Believe that you could write some of them like I was on a plane one time and I landed in Vegas and I read what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and I added if I fuck in the ass. I'm telling somebody Line to go out there the first joke and say That's tough. How you guys doing? Listen before we get started at the airport. I read something what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That's all good But if I fuck in the ass, I'm telling somebody that is such a horrible way to open it Really? Oh 50 or 50, but I also knew what I had behind me Right. I also know your audience

No, no, no, no, no wasn't okay. I was a feature act. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah So I knew what was but coming behind that Could save that wall. You're not gonna take the wall from me I'm just gonna come out and try something new. And then I didn't keep the joke, but every time I went to Vegas, I used the joke. That's a great joke. I escaped throughout the rest of the year or any other towns or use it in a bit.

I just used it in Vegas. So it's really interesting before, you start headlining to really look at your sets like that before you start doing anything I wish I would have done my sets like that in 1995 I would have been a way better comic, but I was too busy snorting snorting the dust off the field. You don't say Hey, it worked out but no dad. There's gems. I love it. I love these like these little things for the changes how I do everything What do you got this week cocksucker this week? I am I had huggies in Westfield on Wednesday night with Lamar Lee on

Thursday through Saturday. I'm at comics Mohegan opening up for a hazus trail. I'm very excited They want your Friday to Saturday send them my love that guy's a soldier This is amazing But uh, yeah, if I get a chance, I'll Give you a call tomorrow when you're in the city. See what's going on. I know I got something early and My wife's gonna take mercy tomorrow because she has to work Friday or Wednesday, so I'll be around my brother but not from dead Friday or Wednesday, so I'll be around my brother, but knock him dead Keep going. Thank you for coming with me to kill Tony and I knew you would get something out of it. That's what it was for

Well, thank you. I was I was doing and I'm happy that you said that in public that I didn't know till we were in The car two hours before the fuck All these fuck people. I don't know nothing So yeah Yeah, because I was scared to death I Was scared in Joe? No, I'm not that's what I'm saying that comes through years of never let them see you sweat I'll see you next week cocksuckers stay black What's happening you beautiful savages it's Tuesday August the 13th the check-in is brought to you by

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