Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz takes himself on a psychological journey

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Joey Diaz talks his recent car accident, his psychological journey, he tells Lee about some of his favorite NYC food spots, and tells Lee something he sees in young comics that worries him. Support the show and get 20% off with code JOEY at https://www.dietsmoke.com/ The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's up, buddy? Johnny boom boom. What's the story? I was fucked up last week, huh? Who women who me? There were time even take enough edibles It's the same old song and dance and he makes believe he's Doug Benson like he's high no who makes believe he's Doug Benson What are you talking about? I don't do shit. I don't I'm not sitting there taking I do I smoke a little bit, but I'm not like I'm like a half an edible is a perfect amount like that's a great amount to me too. We're in training You're coming to New York. We got everything toenail dust Dog listen you went deep last week. How much do you think I'm at?

a while go ahead I I'm sorry you froze a little bit. Go ahead. I got into a car accident Wednesday, and I was pretty depressed I woke up. I like god damn it and Thursday night I took a handful of edibles of mushrooms Farms the best mushroom company in the world sent me Factory farms the best mushroom company in the world sent me Bluey the times right and motherfucking

These other ones that a deck ghost their little Little nuggets that fucking beautiful So the first night I like a little ghost just just a name truck one second is a handful the ghosts. Just to interrupt for one second, is a handful the measurement you took? Do you know it was a gram, two gram? Yeah, I just started eating it with a fucking Coca Cola, one of those Coke Zeros, right? Because I don't like the taste of mushrooms either. No, but a handful, fuck. And then Friday, I ate a handful and I was off the chain at a fucking softball party

with the kids and the girls. I was fucking giggling at Marlon Brando. I was talking to some guy, he was acting to me about acting. Really nice guy, got great two girls. And he was talking to me about Marlon Brando. And I go, you're barking up the wrong tree. Because I'm not a Brando dude till the end. And I was explaining, I showed him the Superman at Cuba

When it said Brando sucked the guy's dick. I showed him fucking the The interview I showed him when he received the Oscar and he sent the Indian woman up and Dog lost it like her name was Lead feather or something like that something and I fucking died a laughter People are looking at me. They knew something's up. I didn't give a Frenchman's fuck What about did you know the guy sitting like you were talking to cuz like that most most parents don't softball games He's one of the dads. I was just a mad because I

Have been around people like that at those games showing this guy was like the huge dick So another parent of the softball game was like a bowl. I didn't show him the picture the guy's dick I sent them the Yeah, but even that's like an article like I would never send to like a like another parent and a softball game Listen I want them to know what time it is. I don't want them to have no surprises. You know said I'd love to see you at that game on a handful of mushrooms. Friday night, I'm at the barbecue and I ate the mushrooms.

And then Saturday, I had to go up north to meet my buddies and I ate a tremendous handful of them, right? Like fucking spitting the whole way up there. I'm drinking sodas, I'm fucking eating these shrooms, right? I get to Segovia, the best thing in Munaki, and after about a half hour, when I started going off, but the star of the night was my brother Whitey. It was Whitey, Louie, Dave, Ralph Afuso, his son,

and Chuck McBreen, the coach of Ramapo. I'll tell you, like an hour in, when the food came, I was on fire on those mushrooms. And I'm eating and i'm giggling and they're telling stories I told them I don't like magicians or midgets. They fucking You know Have you ever seen like a a little person magician would that fuck you up? No, I don't like midgets and magicians I know i'm saying what if you saw one combined i'm done. I jumped out out. When it's the death, you got to stab him in the fucking heart like or spade, whatever his fucking name is. I don't think I don't think it was superhero called spade. Can you imagine that now?

If Marvel came out at Comic Con and said this is the new superhero, the spade, like, but then you have, I don't know, blade spade. What did didn't have it. I don't know, Blade, Spade. What did The Rock play this year? He played like a very racist name. I didn't even see it. Black Adam. Please, people were booing him outside in the movie theater. It fucking got off of Larry.

Oh my God, but just the name is like, what the fuck is this? I've had it with Black Adam. I've had him with that fucking name. I'm with Brock, whatever his fucking name is. Well, hold on. The last night, I gotta go up north to a birthday party about, I gotta leave here too.

I went to the gym, I sweat out the Maluchia, I rode the bike, I fucking swung cattle bells, I made a protein shake and I said bombs away. So I put out the Louis Vuitton, the Louis Vuitton, these things are like stalks. Oh Jesus. I've already eaten all the fucking tops, but this thing was like a stalk, I took it out.

It looked like a piece of celery. I was just eating it. Anyway, I get up there, about five o'clock I'm off the fucking rails. And somebody starts talking about politics and I just went the fuck off. Like I just went off for 20 minutes, like what the fuck is wrong with you people, you know, Trump is a fuck. We're having a barbecue, people are high, and right away they want to bring the fucking politics in on the Lord's Day.

Was anyone else high? Oh yeah, I gave a couple gummies away. Oh, okay. Allegedly. A lot of young people there. Okay. I had a big family, my friend Lisa. So on the way home I was okay, but then when I got home, about seven, oh Lord.

And for some reason it took me over the top. Like this thing was like the gift that wouldn't stop giving. I was seeing things at 11 o'clock. I tried to lay down around one and I was like, fuck this. I went downstairs and I watched something for a little while. It was God awful. It was God fucking awful.

I started buffing out my toenails and I went tofucking awful. I started buffing out my toenails and I Went to bed around three. I'm just saving all this toenail dust to mix it with the mushroom dust. I'm gonna make a tea Snap will sell it to you. You know, I got a plan. Oh What like what what does toenail dust look like when you're doing on mushrooms? I'm telling you, you'll take you to a different dimension. You'll think of jokes that Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and fucking I'm telling you, you'll take you to a different dimension. You'll think of- I'm sure I would. You'll think of jokes that Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and fucking Lenny Bruce couldn't think of.

That's what the problem is. I'm looking for the fucking heroine Joe Perry had from 1973. I keep telling him, postcards to Whitey Chin, everybody. Nobody knows what heroine he did. That's the shit I want. Then I'll make a line academy. You know what I'm saying? Just do a little comedy. I'm gonna be the best comic ever.

I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever. I'm gonna be the best comic ever.

I'm gonna be the best comic ever, I'm gonna be the best comic ever It's like a line of ketamine. You know I'm saying just do a little bump on the right side Do one on the left side cuz you don't want it or just to loosen the right side of your head Can you imagine that's how it works that'd be amazing Oh every fucking night I go in the bathroom to brush my teeth. And I look at my right eye, how it drags now. That's from the 30 years of Coke. I must have done more bumps in the right than in the left one

and fucking blew the eye socket out. What do you mean it drags? Huh? Like it drags. I got a slow eye. Do you really? I never noticed that. Oh, yeah.

It's like not as Paul is, but it's there, you know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. We're gonna write that time down. What happened? Nothing. Oh my God. So yeah, that's all. Okay. Hey, that's a real fucked up thing. What to think about what I snare if if you were like an actual wizard and you know, but I know but I have to know I have to know if I'm if I'm gonna snort something that for sure it's gonna make me the number one comment.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you

I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm that it's fucking you know. I knew that wasn't normal you told me that was something like to do you told me that was like a good blessing. It was like the Greek orthodox so Greek dust you know how we do it. You know what's going on. It's gonna be a good week that's it it's August fucking first on Thursday.

Yeah. I hit my goals for Jiu Jitsu. I hit my goal for the gym. I kept my weight down. I think I lost three more fucking pounds. You know? Congrats. This is what I'm doing this summer.

I don't want to hear nothing no more. Like, you know what? People have no idea. Like, I'm done. Like, I don't want to hear nothing. I got to put an end to this. I. Like I don't wanna hear nothing. I gotta put an end to this. I didn't think you wanted to hear nothing before. So like this is even a lower amount that you wanna hear?

This is like, you wanna hear even less? Because I already thought you didn't wanna hear much. And now I'm at the point where I just, come on, knock it off. I don't wanna hear it no more. I'm too old. I've heard every story. I got scar tissue on my fucking soul. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to hear no fucking story. I just

want to smoke my pot and I'll sit here in the bunker until they drop the bomb because it's going down this week. That's it. It's going down, Jack. You think so? Oh, they killed 12 kids. That's just the excuse Israel needed Did I haven't even watched the news today? I didn't I probably was talking to somebody like that. You see what's going on This is gonna get good. Oh, no They killed 12 kids and now that's it and I know the whole time peace treaty They're fucking yelling at the grind grand high exalted mystic ruler when he came

Yeah, they're fucking with the gang gang yelling at the grand high exalted mystic ruler when he came to the front. Yeah, they're fucking with the gang, whatever his name is, whatever. Motherfuckers gonna bout to go crazy. Like they're sitting there going bro, this is the pitch. Yeah, they could. It's like this is the pitch we've been waiting for all our lives. Yeah. It's the pitch.

This is the pitch we've been waiting for all our lives. Oh yeah. This is the pitch. This is the one. Seventh wasn't bad, but this is the fucking pitch. And it's gonna be very interesting. I, my soul, you know, my heart and my fucking prayers to everybody and I hope they make it okay. I hope they got anti-missile helmets Hamas cause motherfucking missiles are gonna startmissile helmets. Hamas because

motherfucking missiles are gonna start coming in over there and Hamas will build. What the **** Definitely not on YouTube this week. For two weeks. Football season is like two, three weeks away. I'm excited about that. You know, I

took my daughter to that Chinese Cuban joint last week and that was an adventure. That was a hell of a day because I got pulled over for a red light, but the guy was Chinese. So I started talking to him and then I gave him my license and he goes, listen, I got to give you a warning. I said, that's fine. And he goes, can I ask you a question? You know me, I'm like half racist, but not really. I'm like, can I ask you a question?

Where's that Cuban Chinese joint? My daughter's like, what are you asking? I'm like, relax. And he goes, like, are we done? Because daughter's like, what are you asking? I'm like, relax. And he goes, look how he done? Cause he was like a New York Chinese guy. He wasn't like bowing or nothing. He goes, how are you done?

And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, it's on 72nd between Columbus and Amsterdam, park on the corner. I mean, he was dynamite, dynamite. But I didn't know it was against fucking wokeism to ask a Chinese guy where We're good Chinese restaurant is You know, I want a fucking pastrami sandwich. I'm not gonna ask some fucking Puerto Rican kid

Even though his family probably makes great pastrami, but you know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna go up to hot how I'm not gonna go to halal and ask him a halal you got corned beef Oh here. I've got a search Already should bring back the amazing racist and do that Will it go to the wrong like can you imagine going in to a hallel place right now and asking for a corner? I don't question who is halal because this guy got like 19 restaurants In boots I I Think and don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure it's like the Muslim version of kosher

That's the way I understand it You know, you won't see me in that Don't think they have any restaurants called halal it's just like saying like just letting people know there's kosher and stuff there. I don't know what the fuck Halal is. They got a bunch of those. So if I didn't think like, I was gonna hit fucking No Feast Cuban Kitchen. Okay. That's a bad motherfucka Lee. I'm excited. Oh, dude. That's a cheap lunch quick you get three chicken cutlets white rice Red beans and but with little potatoes and you get your little fried bananas on the side for like 13 And it's quick. There's no fucking around. There's no fucking around and some days they got the pork chop

With the red beans and rice one day they got the chicken with the black beans and rice and the fried bananas With the red beans and rice one day they got the chicken with the black beans and rice and the fried banana Come on now. You're gonna fucking be living like a king and then why see you know I'm saying like so my god, dude I'm so excited for comedy like that's the reason I'm moving but yeah, that's it. But but I will say well No, what I was gonna say was Number two and it's not it's not like a far number two It's like right there is the food of like being in New York and the food there. Are you crazy? Busting out the roller skates that oh It was like hilly hilly shoes

No, the other ones I'm still blowing up mushroom burps. This burp smells like fucking cow shit a Fart and God knows what else. Well, dude, you took like four handfuls in three days. Yeah, but I'm clean this week That's it. I'm going so But that's it. I'm scared straight So do you feel better now after you took all those mushrooms? You know man, I gotta tell you something interesting. You know when

I was a kid and my mom died, I was doing acid. I was selling mescaline on the side and I was doing it. And there was a point I was doing more than I was selling. And I was eating like three of them a night. That's fucking up, I'm heard of. My pain was so bad that I was just, I just wanted to forget. Right. And eat like two of them. And that's like 12 hours of constant fucking pictures

and hearing Chinese people yelling and people saying. And that's what it does? Huh? That's what that does? Yeah, this was 1978. This was before cocaine really hit. We were all just doing fucking acid, four-way acid, bladder acid, mescaline, fucking, you know?

And we used to go to Pennsylvania and get 3,000 hits and everybody was making money because you got them for 90 cents and you sold them for $3. Wow. And you sold them in three fucking days. Every time a group of kid played hooky, they buy 10 of them.

All you had to do is go to, I was going to school to make $100 a day. In 19, I was selling those in Black Beauties. I would buy a thousand Black Beauties for $35 and sell them for a dollar apiece You want to talk about profit margin McDonald's could suck my dick. You know saying I would why didn't you just drop out of school? and do that full-time I Did until I quit then fucking you know, then we got into deeper and other situations But I swear to God a year and a half, I had a little,

I was working at a hardware store, Rental Lumber, and at the same time, I was selling mescaline, anything fucking hallucinogenic. And I was just selling the black beauties to the wrestlers because they need to lose weight. Okay. What do you think you're dealing with here? I was no econ major.

I just knew that I'm paying 90 cents and I'm gonna sell this for three dollars. That's two dollars and ten cents That's crazy five of them. I made the small ten dollars Who's gonna deliver newspapers go fuck yourself. You know I'm saying I want to be a cub scout suck my dick I don't want to do nothing. I'm gonna sell Mescal here at the fucking pinball place. Now, was there like a reason you just didn't sell it for five? Like, three dollars for a drug seems cheap. The market was three, you know. Right away you're gonna let your Jewish take over and you wanna sell it.

Yeah, but it's a drug. Are you really gonna go to jail for three dollars? Nobody's gonna... Listen, by the cops coming you eat that thing. It's this small. It's a fucking dot. That's why they call it micro dot I can just throw it in your eyes if the cops arrest me. I can Shoot right your fucking eyeball Okay, you know anyway, let's get this motherfucker started Greetings you savages the check-in is brought to you and I'd like to welcome The check-in is brought to you and I'd like to welcome

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Your perfect vibe awaits you. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church What up Luke good to see you buddy fucking Tuesday the 30th of all of July

The rent is due on fucking Thursday. So get your shit together You can hold on till Monday though. It's one of those weekends, right? Because Thursday two three, four five Yeah, so you don't have to have the rental Monday so you could snort suck fuck do what you want and Just have the rent money I don't even know if I'm the only one who does this, but in LA, my place was like you had to pay by the fifth. That was the day you got in trouble. I never gave it to them early. I had it, but I just would never give it to them.

It's a torment them. If you give it to them at 5.30, like the fucking, the guy's sitting there sweating, the little fucking Indian guy that owns the building. When you have to go home. It's Indian holiday. You're just, you're watching them with the fucking binoculars. And dude, I know I was 300 pounds, like there was a reason why I had trouble breathing and I was coughing. But also my AC, my last apartment in LA, like leaked like every six months and they had like this one shady electrician that they'd only use him.

I'm almost positive I saw mold in like the AC unit. And I was like, oh, I was there for five years. I've like, I don't cough now. Cause you were getting sick every three months. Yeah. We thought that you were blaming on the reefer. I can't do it no more. I didn't say, I didn't say the reefer got me sick.

Yes you did. Right away everybody blames the fucking reefer. I blame the reefer for a sick. Yes, you did right away. Everybody blames the fucking reefer I blame the reefer for a lot of things, but I never blamed it for getting sick. Meanwhile, you're in that room Fucking inhaling fucking asbestos and I'm only busted my toenail dust. They probably got a body in there He had a fun guy Toga. He's hanging upside down the fans blowing his feet right into your face thinking about oh you were always like. I got sick a lot. What was it called bronchitis?

Yeah, I still get bronchitis a little bit. I but I know what to do now. That was insane. So I thought I was gonna die. You'd make me feel guilty. I can't do the reef. And all right. Well, yeah, no, dude. You fucking, that was the true story right there

is where I said, yeah, I have bronchitis. I don't wanna smoke right now. I'm not blaming the weed, I'm being sick. But then we fucking tripled up on the edibles and everybody had to step up. You know what I'm saying? Everybody cleaned their own backyard. Who's everybody?

It's you and me. That's it, till the wheels fall off, cocksucker. What are you talking about? Everybody's doing it. you and me. That's it till the wheels fall off cocksuckers What he's I know everybody's doing it. That's like if that means if you're doing it everyone else is doing it Listen, well, we were at everybody was doing no one was doing what we were doing Well, they were trying but and if not, I would motherfucking psychological journey on my own, you know People crumbled when they came on to They'd be like, that would be a fucked up game show. Could you imagine? It's just to eat edibles until someone passes out.

Like we would win. You would win for sure, but I got to come in second place every time. You know what's crazy that even after I got here, I started dosing some people. One of the best doses of my life was that little kid from the Special Olympics at the pool when I fucked up thought you kept following me and I like the kid. He's 34 years old first boy He's not a kid. He's like 37 now

My daughter sees him. She just got a little mustache like that stupid Apple show that fucking Fucking dude with the fucking mustache everybody likes so so That fucking dude with the fucking mustache, everybody likes him. So his story was interesting because I had to figure out that he obviously had autism or something. He used to make me laugh, but then he just went off about getting his dick sucked and having a drink, and snorting coke, and I'm like, whoa, I know people who are the fucking normal, and they don't live like this fucking guy. Meanwhile, this guy's got like 19 Special Olympic medals He's like a big-timer in the league. So he just goes on with his medals and they suck his dick

He have he was having threesomes at the pool. He told me So he told me with cigars and he smoked dope and he drank cognac So he said you get edibles drunk dog. You're talking to the right guy So one day I went in there like in July. Must have been 80 degrees, pool was freezing. And he's like, can you bring me anything? I was bringing him a marifa for a while. Like every time I'd see him, I'd bring him a little three

joints, two joints. You know, I like the guy. And one day I just hit him with a 200 milligram. And I left, and I forgot all about it. Next day I just hit him with a 200 milligram. And I left and I forgot all about it. Next day I came back. And the security in the pool guys came over and they're like, did you give him something yesterday? I'm like, oh yeah.

And they're like, thank you, he passed out. I had to go get him and they had to carry him to the car. Dude, those 200 ABXs are scary. Like those, like, I don't know. The fact that you eat multiple of those is wild. Dude, those 200 ABXs are scary. Like those, like, I don't know. The fact that you eat multiple of those is wild. I'm out of them. I'm out.

I had to eat those. Well, yeah. I'm out. I'm waiting on the shipment now. He told me the mule was showing up. I hope they show up before I got to leave, you know? He's going to have to make, actually, I don't want to. I shouldn't even say this, but I was gonna say,

he should make you a bigger one. Well, listen, let's just get 200 for now. You know, it's really, I was going to talk to you, but this isn't important to me, but it's really fucking crazy. He's what people's thought of you are. Like you really get surprised when people approach you, and you see how people see you. And it's just so weird.

For years, we were eating 2,400 a night, 2,000 milligrams a night, and I still get people. And I got this 50 milligram. It's so strong. You know, they come up to me like, this ain't no ABX. But you know, and I'm like, go away. Go away. Another gummy that tastes like ass. Yeah, it's another gummy that tastes like ass. Yeah. Gummy. We've bitten to one that my eye almost flew from fucking life so bad. So, and some of them are so thick. Like they're not like,

it's not like an enjoyable experience to eat most of them. It is, if you balance it out with that. No, there's some good, there's some great ones. There's some great gummies, but there's all, I'm just saying we had, yeah, I'm just saying, I love, I prefer gummies. Listen, bro, we go home run. We had the stars of death first.

Yeah. Until we fucking ate 25 of those. People still have them in their freezer. You were eating them like two years ago. You found the bag. When I was moving out, I found the bag of them, the purple ones. And then we started with that black and white cookie

that you thought was 50 milligrams, but it was always 200 or something like that Yeah, it tasted like 200 this cookies good and then I never said that that's false And you would sit there. That's why when I got that I would smoke you out first then break out the cookies Yeah, that's that was the fucked up part is there was no break in being high because what you would do is you would give me an edible and then no, I'd be fine. And then we'll break out the bong. And then the bong would be, it's like, I've done a bong before and you just do a bong.

I don't know what you do to it, but it's different. And I was so high. But by the time the smoke high was wearing down the edible was like kicking strong. So it's just like a roller coaster Well, let's not look at this fucking reefer. This is the reef for the week right here. It's called Orange pop push pop 31% fucking delicious. Oh I'm going to I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm

excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm I took your lunch box with your last rice cake. That would be, that would piss me off.

That's true. And then you went to lunch or got a drink with your friend and then you called me right away and you were still like, and I could tell it's your Jewish neuroticisms, but then you took me back. And this is just the quest of comedy. Oh yeah. I thought I had-

The numbers, If you fucking right Test your sets and start on Monday Say this week. I'm gonna do eight sets Mm-hmm. See what you do five weeks on the road That's 40 sets what the percentages are right and you're gonna chop because if you're honest with yourself Unless you're one of those guys I killed Yeah, and then you talk to somebody like dog. He ate a bag of dick right now. I don't do that at all That the percentage is always it's a percentage thing and

Once you realize that with anything sales The more people you talk to the more shit you're gonna sell with anything sales The more people you talk to the more shit you're gonna sell So like when you wouldn't get bummed if you bought like it wasn't a complete bomb, but it was just like Not the set you wanted and it was crazy because I had done so well with the exact same material I headlined and it did great and then this the same stuff was just they were happy but not a lot of laughs Uh, and it was like, oh my god. Yeah, like it still bought it still bums me. I want to have don't have a good set

You know, the weirdest thing is going to a town starting on Wednesday Coming from the store where you just work for two weeks Bang it out with gorillas now you shoot to this town Tampa Tampa, Houston, whatever. You start on Wednesday. By Friday, you've put together six new minutes because you have been working on it. And now you had a chance to improvise the second show. Saturday, Friday shows are tremendous. Forget about fucking Saturday.

And then Sunday, you go back to LA, you go home, whatever. Your girlfriend had to go out that night, whatever. You go down to the store and get on stage. Where were you? You're like a beginning to headline guy. And you get stuck at the store, so you're walking in there. Where were you? I was in Houston, headlining six shows, talking shit.

You don't know. And they come up to you. You want to go up? you're like, yeah, oh shit, I'm on fire. You will go up in the original room and just die. And I used to drive home and I could not figure it out. I could not figure it out. How can you kill in the town, come back home to your home club, do the exact same material, and you fucking die. I don't understand it. Right, it drives me nuts. It drives you nuts.

I can see if you went out there with a complete new 30, and you're like, this show sucks. I'm just gonna bomb on purpose to fuck with them. I've never done that, you did that? Oh yeah, you have to, because you have to show them who the boss is sometimes, and just fuck with them. How did I done that. You did that? Oh yeah, you have to because you have to show them who the boss is sometimes. How did I show them who the boss is by you bombing? It's you. It's you. You're not performing. Every once in a while you have to perform for you. You know, and this is when you go to an open mic. This is when you go to one of those shows

where there's a hundred people but 95 of them are free tickets. They have no investment in the show. Right. Well, they'll look at their phone. They'll, you know, dead at it by two drinks. They got the tickets for free. They're fucking living like doctors. They got over that high five and they don't know that everybody gets tickets for free. Yeah. Right. They're walking in there like Joey bananas and all sudden, you know

You know, they didn't give away tickets because this guy's fucking hilarious Or maybe he is he doesn't have a following, you know, but It's it happens It fucking happens, you know, they have no commitment. That's why I've my career changed when I went to the improv to do the dirty show. And I go, listen, from now on, I don't want the guarantee. I needed every dollar of that guarantee, but I knew my work would be better if I had a gun to my head.

And instead of walking out with 400, I'd walk out with 1200 after I paid everybody And how would you get people there? At that time myspace videos That's when Lindsay Lohan was going to jail So I would always post Lindsay Lohan will be there taking pictures and giving away coke I'd bring a loaf of banana bread and cut it up and bray and put in the back table Listen, you got to spend money to make money same fucking thing. We talked about when I bartended you're sitting there guy sits down

Now he's got to order an appetizer If you order three sets of appetizers and have them under the window, there you are The guy came in you threw him two fucking clams now. He's gonna suck your dick and buy 18 drinks and tip you Right. Yeah, I think still think that's one of the most Smartest things I've ever heard anyone say especially like being a server. All right bartender. You have to do these things It's the same thing with comedy and you know You're gonna bomb. What are you gonna bomb? I?

know But you know what you're gonna bomb. Lee, you're gonna bomb. I know. But you know what? You're gonna find a way to kick ass when you need to kick ass. That's gonna come. That's gonna come soon. Where now you're like, you know what? I'll audition for Mitzi Show.

Right, okay. And if I eat it, I eat it, but I could audition for her. You have to be real honest. And you know, like little things and that's when you're ready for the next level. You know, I spoke the other day, somebody sent me a movie clip. They're like, we didn't know you were in this movie. It's the movie when I yell at the kids. Whatever, they're cooking. I'm like the fat peacher, fat Tony, big Tony, I don't even, right? He was called Stacy's mom.

Okay, and that I just, after the strike in 2007, I fell into a rut, Lee, I fell into a hundred dollar a day movie rut. Every movie was a hundred dollars a day. What the? I did like eight of them in a row. Eight of them in a fucking row. Like one to the other.

Every other week I'd book one. I'm like, when am I gonna book my fucking big movie? And this guy was talking to me about a mob series and a funeral parlor. And the money was good, but then he's like listen the producers using his family and he's playing the lead I'm like I'm out I don't need that aggravation in my life so I went home and I wrote a fucking a gold sheet and I said no matter how much, this is like 2000, this is right before I met you.

I read a gold sheet. I go, I'm not doing holiday movies. I'm only doing TV shows, scale six fucking 50. And that's it. And I didn't work for about a year. Wow. I didn't fucking do anything for about, no, no, I think I did that Showtime show,

two episodes of that, but movies were not happening I kept getting office for hundred-dollar-a-day movies And then finally I got a call one day and it was first alone didn't a row Kevin Hart movie And it was well worth the wait The movie sucked, you know, whatever but I got the world they wrote John Bernt or movie sucked you know whatever but I got the world hero John Bernt or Kevin you know I only seen Stallone one time and I have seen them hello who J it was a great learning experience were you ever tempted to take any of the hundred dollar-a-day movies sure but I knew that the result was gonna be the same I knew that it's the same shit it's a hundred- a hundred all day movie. I got to wear my own suit

I got to pay for dry cleaning. I got to pay a ten dollar commission. I got to pay taxes It's also gonna be shot at night Because they can't get none of the daytime. They don't have a budget So everything is gonna be to eight in the morning for fucking a hundred hours. It's not worth it, right? It's really not worth it. And for some people it is, you're starting out, you're looking for a real, ba ba ba ba ba ba. Look, my early real is all college films.

I did a movie with a Chinese movie. They all had cameras and when the movie came out, it was pictures of our feet. It was like when Marlon Brando did Mutiny on the Bounty and Paramount showed up with Warner Brothers and they're like, what's going on here? Where's the director? And like, we haven't seen him in a month. The director was Marlon Brando. He was in a hut with that chick he met on the island. Oh my God. He got a camera, some guy from an island, like a cannibal with a bone in his nose and said you you shoot these movies

Holy shit, you looked at that footage. They fucking lost their minds That's why he almost didn't get the godfather because they hated him after that I can imagine why You know, yeah because you're sending people away to shoot It's like when they shot caddyshack and they went down to see production. And these motherfuckers were sleeping on the floor by a bunch of empty beer bottles. There was broken mirrors. There was cocaine everywhere. The studios weren't there. That's a documentary I'd love to see. Like the behind the scenes of Caddyshack.

Oh my God. How Rodney almost quit Because it was his first role to do stand up and nobody was laughing. And the scenes are like, yeah, when he came up, he was like, hey, you must have been electric. He was something before electricity and all that shit. Yeah. He fucking wasn't laughing. He fucking, they cut.

They said cut and he walked off. And Harold Raymond decided to go get him and go, what the fuck? We're shooting a movie, there's no laughter. Yeah, see, he doesn't like not hearing laughter either. When they said cut, the fucking set just fell the fuck down. Rodney was on fire in that movie. Yeah, I can't imagine not laughing. I wanna talk about something that really is important

to a lot of young comics Okay, you know me and you have had we knew had a great conversation last Sunday night. I know I said some things you didn't want to hear but You know, I still remember getting to LA 97 98 And I was rockin', Lee. Was I Joey fucking bananas? No.

But after about a year or two, I really cut my teeth at the store, and I knew where I was going. You know, I really, really knew where I was going. And by 2003, I was really fucking it up. Like that's when I was getting Spider-Man 2, all that shit. I was at a good point in my life. Even though I was snorting fucking coke every night, I just got into a rhythm.

I'm sorry. Cocaine was part of the rhythm. There was no exercise. There was no sleep. It was cocaine and fucking comedy. That's all I cared about. I don't care about anything else. You know, let's be honest.

And I was really frustrated. Guys, I was frustrated for 10 fucking years over the fact that you do movies, you do a couple of TV shows, you're at the comedy store, your name is getting out there, but you can't sell a ticket. It's very frustrating. Very frustrating. I spoke to a good friend of mine last week and he goes any day now. I'm gonna feature for the hot tour girl Well, you know I'm saying and again, I'm not putting the hot tour girl down

We'll get into that story as we go, but okay. It's so weird that you don't really Mean anything in comedy Your agent to tell you oh my god, that's set wait till you go to England and do this festival all that shit Don't sell tickets Right, so you fall into this thing and it really gets you down especially when you When people tell you all once you get to Hollywood just do four episodes of a TV show You'll sell our comedy clubs every weekend not theaters

You'll sell out comedy clubs every weekend not theaters But comedy clubs Friday and Saturday Lisa I had from you know back in the 90 98 if you were like WB like Buffy you sold out the weekends That's how they should funny back then like networks By your credits, and I went to see tons of comics and said, this is garbage. Right. This is hot fucking garbage.

This guy's been on TV. I lost my, I didn't do a set to come down here and watch this guy because I thought he was going to be something special. And the guy's a bum. Right. Can't even fucking get a laugh in a fucking comedy club, you know? And it's really hard when you talk to a comedy agent

and they're trying to push you and they put you on a tour with, you know, hopefully they could put you on a tour with somebody you get along with and you could get visibility. And even then I was on the tour with Rogan from 2000. I was with Rogan every other week. And when I started headlining the clubs,

Rogan would go let Joey headline on Wednesday and Thursday. And I'll do Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And I would go in there on Friday, Wednesday and Thursday and go, why would somebody pay for me? Negative, negative thinking. Why would somebody pay $15 from me? Because on Friday and Saturday, they're going to pay $25 and

get everybody for free, me, Ari, and that one in my head, I was a negative, and I was too nice to get it out of there. But I noticed something after about a year that my Wednesdays and Thursdays had improved from 11 to 17 18 you know and then my space came along and everybody joined my space Because they cook blew up on my space you know everybody now had my space and I started the blog and You know again that when you want when you read that blog the 10 of them are erical, I never wrote before in my life.

Over here, yeah. And then people fucking ridiculed me and I bought a dictionary and I started from fucking scratch and at the end I was getting like 900 reads, you know. Yeah. And that taught me that there's a system here. But I remember how frustrated I wasn't the comic that

Nobody would talk to me because there was no ticket sales. Yeah, it was like yeah, he books movies but The big even the median comedy agencies at that time wouldn't touch me. I was so heartbroken and then Movies I do this I do my name is Earl. I recur I recur on all his shows and Like it's like okay, this isn't gonna people and Ralphie May told me He goes you're gonna sell tons of tickets You got to stop doing shows you got to stop doing comedy for the back of the room There's no the back of the room. There's no money when you're funny for comedians

You know you go up there and say the raunchiest thing in the comics like oh my god. He's so brave But the 90 people are funny like what the fuck was that? That's a mentality also where I'm so brave I'm gonna go up there and You know talk about an aborted fetus, you know, you know, I hate I hate yeah so I was actually talking about this with another comic today and like I'm very lucky. There are people who come out from the podcast but it has I'm

there are people who come out from the podcast. But it has what I'm trying to be for the like the people when I get to open for people, or if like, you know, any show I do, people might not think like expect to like me going in but like, I'm, I'm trying to get people to want to come back. I feel like you're talking about the TV people, and you went, but you would never go back to see him. No, I would love someone. Yeah. If someone has like a free ticket, but would come back to see me the next time I came to town. And again, you have exceptions like Kevin James and Kevin Hart. But there's those comics that recur on those shows and they like a place is they

put like a little hat on and they go up there and do cute comedy. Those guys don't sell no fucking tickets. Right. And it's funny that I Started a podcast with Felicia and I did about an hour maybe ten episodes and I was feeling my oats and We just started telling the story

And I told the story about mugging a hooker and lighting her wigging on fire. The fucking first thing that ever took me over. And I'll never forget like laughing by myself and looking over at Felicia and her face had dropped and she had tears in her eyes. And when we ended the podcast, she's like, I don't know if I should put that up. I go, put it up.

I've tried everything else. Put it up. Yeah. Stupid story. I sold 150 tickets a week later, five days later. Wow. You know, and that was like, and then I started doing more shows and it was 60 people.

Brea had gone to sellouts every week. Brea was selling out the last year I was doing it, once a month. That was fucking amazing. How many seats is that? 280. That's a lot of people on Wednesday. Dog, and not giving away tickets.

And it was funny. I learned how to fucking buy people to sell tickets. Because you always have the comp list. And I remember I had a big time or one time somebody goes, I want to do your show and I go, okay. And I posted it and everybody helped me up for free tickets. And I go, I can't, the headliner won't allow it. You got to pay the 20 bucks headline.

I didn't even get paid. I was sitting up and guess what? They all paid the $20 for the fucking ticket. Right. When you force the hand hand they will pay the 20 fucking dollars And I didn't I wasn't looking for 40 like now I look at comedy shows eight steps $40 You're not doing nothing for nobody. You just turn away the comedy and that's a mistake a lot of young comics make they put shows together and they put their goofy friends and You know again people walk out like what is this? This is a circus of fucking death in this motherfucker.

So it's just really funny how tickets sell. But then on the other side, I want people to know also that you have to be working it from eight different angles. so that you have to be working it from eight different angles. Because one of those angles is gonna hit and then it all comes together. The reason why the Yankees were so great

because they had seven guys that could really fucking hit for a long time. Let's say eight guys that could really hit, but in in their mind they knew they only needed four to be on You might be red hot July, but in August you might not fucking who gots and in September You might not hit shit and all of a sudden in October you hit home runs like Reggie Jackson, you know It's everybody goes on their things Sometimes in comedy. Have you ever had a week that you've bombed? Yeah, that's gonna come oh no a whole weekend a whole weekend you try and don't share

The headliner you open has a different style. The club called you. They made a mistake. You know, they just couldn't. They called the wrong guy and you go up there and you're doing the best material you can. But you don't, you don't figure them out. And you would add, I was headlining with Ari and you would add, I bombed Thursday, Friday both shows and Saturday early. And I said, you know what the materials gone out the acapella And that's the best that I had all week cuz I was focused yeah material Don't fall in love with your material. It ain't that special. Oh

No nervous going off of material. Like I had AdLib, but like, I couldn't imagine AdLibbing for an hour. No, no, that's horrible. Wait, unless you got like a 20 minute chunk, two 20 minute chunks in there. So you come out. But isn't that what you did that night?

when in San Francisco when you said you went on we you went up a cappella. I went up a cappella by an improvise I didn't I mean I didn't talk to the audience Okay, I didn't talk to the audience. I just went out there and fucked and talked until they couldn't take it knocked and fucked and talked until they couldn't take it no more. They just had to laugh. Huh? And they just had to laugh. Like what happened? You know, you work yourself up. People feel your excitement. They feel your energy and they start rolling with you.

People could also see when you're fucking just focused on material, you're trying to do the material for the tea, you're shooting the special in three weeks, and that sucks. Can you imagine shooting a special in two weeks and you just ate four dicks in San Francisco? And it's just, guys, this is, again, this is part of the fucking life. And I laugh because Again, this is part of the fucking life. And I laugh because I know that I'm laughing now. I wasn't laughing then. Are you with me? I wasn't laughing when I was going through it. But I'm laughing now thinking about how I thought, oh, my god,

wait till they see me in Montreal. And then you come back and you start to sell the ticket. And then your agent's promoting you you and I still remember going into rooms where I? Was just eating bag at the first longest yard comedy tour With six weeks of just torture. I only sold tickets two out of the six weeks And this wasn't one night this was I still remember calling those guys back. What am I coming back soon? Yeah, all right These guys have gone come back and they still haven't called me since that bombing that time Oh, no, I bombed four out of six weeks. The only two weeks I did well was Beaumont

because I fucking OD'd on stage on Jägermeister and fucking Valium. That was good? Huh? That was good? At least I got laughs, you know what I'm saying? I mean by Saturday I had to lay down on the stage. Fucking nightmare.

Josh Wolf was there, he'll tell you. Holy shit. Yeah. He'll tell you. Holy shit. Yeah, so listen, my first tour, May of 95 of 2005, to like July of 2005, was very, very awakening. I was doing comedy 14 years and I just, I wasn't a headliner. Everybody, I got for 50 minutes, I could headline, I wasn't a headline.

And that's when I learned that. Then I went to do my little tour of Thursday nights and I saw these guys that were headliners. And I go, I get it. all these guys that were at line is like oh I Get it so What do you think because getting feature sets is really just getting those sets is really hard right now I'm doing it. I'm so

I am moving everybody has the same song and dance about Tell you what because you're going into a rooms I'll tell you why because you're going into a rooms One of your feature go into a C room. They don't bring headliners and features some features bring their own headliners in those dumps that is Interesting but if you want to work a rooms these guys don't want to hear it no more on the road Don't bring to that guy from their agency So they're helping the eight, they're helping themselves and they, you know, what do you want me to tell you? That's the, that's the growth. When

I toured, I didn't fucking hire no features on the road. I'm sorry. I knew 10 guys who were starving in LA that were really working, not people who are going to call you up and go, I want to get set in front of you. Fuck you. I got Dean going up 19 times a week on a motorcycle. He nearly killed himself on Sunset. I got Eric Rocha, a gay guy, doing gay jokes, or TP and fucking, you know. And you want me to, I can't do it. You have to feed the people that are underneath you.

You, how many times I take you on the road? Oh, I'm not complaining at all. I'm just saying that I'm very lucky that I get the spots that I If you imagine me fucking calling you don't leave you're not coming to Boston. I'm gonna use a local guy I don't even know right no and I get up It is and every it's not expensive but every town you go to Two weeks before you get 20 fucking requests. And you're like, I'm not doing that.

I don't know you. I don't know what you're going to do on that stage. I don't know. I got two guys with me. I got a guy that calls me every couple of weeks. Hey, look at this room I got. Look at these rooms. Listen, guy, the problem is I got to use you.

And I'd rather fucking light myself on fire then have you up front anywhere on that stage So I always tell him yeah, give me a date and I'll come down with my team Oh, I gotta run that through the he wants me to hope no no no no no I'm never gonna take the fucking gig I Just tell him that because I know that's what he wants That's not gonna work I'm never gonna take the fucking gig. I just tell him that because I know that's what he wants. That's not gonna work for me. I got guys that I see fucking killing themselves every night. And just because he didn't go blow some smoke up my ass, I gotta fucking give you a feature fucking week?

I can't. So, let me ask. Okay. And I appreciate't. So let me ask. Okay. And I appreciate it. So, but like, if I'm trying to like fill my schedule, is it better for me to be, if I'm living in New York, just doing three to four sets a night in New York than trying to headline somewhere else?

I don't know. When you come to New York, you're not coming here to go on the road Right you're coming here to go locally they have 22 states around here DC to Maine That's your tour Anything else you want to do it on your own for one night or something that's on you I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store.

I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store.

I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store.

I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not going to be in the store. I'm not coming up there. Why? Because I'm a regular at the store. You want me to come up there and bring a fucking MC for the small 250 and I got to sleep in my car. I'm not going up there. I'm gonna come and learn why I'm at the store. So when you go to New York, you're gonna get New York Comedy Club, the other one.

Yeah, you gotta get to the cellar. No, you know. You know. You just- No, I'm not worried about that right now. No. When you're ready for the cellar, they'll call you. Yeah, I'm not ready for that I mean I run down there and chase them when you can walk down there and fuck them all. Oh, yeah

You know this on this time moving to I can't wait to get to the fucking comedy stellar Listen knock it off. You haven't even fucking done the 11 o'clock spot at the New York Comedy Club There's a growth you hear you haven't even gotten an 8 o'clock spot at Gotham You know So you really you know I saw so many guys throw their careers away at the fucking comedy store Yeah For years trying to get sets up there and this and kissing ass and bringing minty flowers and you know, listen, but and then you sit up there and cry. Not gravel

cry but they would sit up there and bitch, why did I get in spots? I was a regular for a long time. Yeah. I just shot an HBO spot, you know, and you're like guy The two hours you're sitting here, you can be doing three sets if you really wanted to At least three but you want to do the store. So what can I fucking tell you? When I left the store like in 2007 That there was a crew when I got there in 98, there was a fucking crew that was there from the Richard Pride days. And they were there crying every night.

And they hated the young guys. They put the young guys through hell. They really did. I never forgot that shit. They would make remarks about you and fucking say this and I could go into thousands of fucking stories. You know, establish yourself in New York. You're not moving to New York to get a $4,000 apartment to go on the road every week. Oh, no. So get that Volkswagen going, get that Nazi machine you got, put some world on that fucking thing, and get ready to drive.

From Philadelphia, the punchline, fucking helium, you know, this is it. This is the life you chose. I'm thrilled. Yeah, this is it. It's not gonna, you know, New York's got 10 million comics and 10 million stories and 10 million comedy rooms Yeah, so you come to me and go I don't know getting spots. Well, because you're you're aiming for fucking big things Mm-hmm. I'm just look i'm just trying to get better right now. Yeah, i'm not coming with any expectations I just think i'm funny enough to be gonna have a plan. You are gonna have a plan I'm gonna go on stage one night two weeks I'm gonna have a all the gigs I can every fucking weekend

You know whether it's 300 or 250 you have put yourself in a range because you can make money in New York on the weekend Mm-hmm. Hey, hey Like the clubs. Yeah. Yeah, they pay like $50 a spot 25 the I got like three old guys that I'm going to already hook up with you. They're right in Manhattan. You rub their feet. It's a good time. Oh, their feet. Why their feet? The last thing I want to talk to you about that I've found very interesting. I see people just killing themselves on fucking over exposing themselves with nothing to say.

Yeah, that's true. You have two or three tweets a day. You have one Instagram a day. You got one Facebook a day. Don't waste it. Especially if you're gonna put your face on Instagram. Don't waste it with the word of the week Listen And I've been watching and I'm going what are these fucking people doing? Then they complain, you know, I can't self-takers. I don't know what's going on. Well, look at the shit you put that every day

You know, it's not you know, you're done your viral days are done ain't nothing gonna go viral here You already put out a year of videos. You're just driving people crazy That's it. You're just driving people crazy And then I saw the hot tours Instagram Follow her and And then I saw the hot tours Instagram Follow her and learn what high PR firms do This isn't you know when you become a little bigger and people gonna come to you and go

Oh my god Lee you need a PR firm don't get it for the garden and you got to pay some schmuck 7500 a month For the garden before that do it well for tickets for the garden if you want to go to a restaurant and tell them You're coming if you want to get a reservation at that at a dad Tana's you want to get a reservation at Arlie Arnie Morton's what's the one in Brooklyn? The really good. Oh Yeah, I know you're talking about reservation at Arlie Arnie Morton's what's the one in Brooklyn the really good oh yeah I know you're talking about that's what needs to be done you know everybody gets a publicist to get into the garden events and to be cool oh my god you know but that cost seventy five hundred five thousand a month I had

friends that pay five grand a month on top of the four month rent. Okay I can't I mean I don't want to promise but that's if i'm spending five thousand a month on that I better be making a lot of fucking money. That's crazy And five thousand is like for a medium folk If you want like holly whatever her fucking hock tour girls, that's 15 grand a month what they've done with her They slowed it down They took up to her out of her fucking resume and they got her talking about her life and

Just being a cute girl and going to events and and bro, they're gonna do something with this shit That yeah, they're getting 30,000 a fucking public. She's gonna get something. Well, she has a good personality. She's got a great personality and the accent sucks you in. And they didn't fucking, they sat down and made a plan for this girl. And it is very, very, very impressive to see how the fuck they did her up. It's fantastic. She was on Whitney.

Yeah, she was. And she was fantastic. I watched like half hour of it, you know, just to see what's going on. Listen, Whitney's a comic and this little girl held her own. Oh yeah. Something is gonna happen there,

whether a reality show, a scripted show, something, a sports show, something, a reality show, a scripted show, something, a sports show, something, a sex show, she's going to get something. But it was that publicity company that turned it around. It turns go IMDB. Go to UTA. She should pay for IMDB Because I don't know what you got. I don't get IMDB Pro Okay Why because pretty soon agents are gonna start reaching out to you

And you want to click them away? You want to see who they have who they represent They got certain people that you don't like you don't have to sign with I don't want that bad luck kiss of death on my roster You know Shit so when people call you oh yeah, let me call you right back Are you bit on my mom just fell oh yeah, I am DBM, so he was gotten She's falling she And you can see and you can't get up.

And you can see all they have, OK. So you're coming down tomorrow, correct? Yeah, I'm flying. I'm excited. I've never flown to New York from here. All right. There's an airport like 10 minutes from my house. We'll be late.

We're fucking 2 in the morning, cocksucker. You could have walked here in an hour. We'll see, hopefully not. So yeah, if you look at the hot tours, they stopped it. They slowed her down They dressed her up And they just have her talking with her neighbors with her dad With this guy that guy It's very interesting

Well, and you said like she said it seems like she picked the right PR firm This guy, that guy, it's very interesting. Well, and you said, like she said, it seems like she picked the right PR firm, but when like something like that happened, like someone goes viral like that, how many PR firms were like attacking her immediately like that day? Like how many offers did she get? UTA signed her.

Yeah, but how did they? UTA signed her, and then I think she signed with a management company first. Then UTA went in there, like some local management company, I think. And then they reached out. Or they have in-house publicity. But Web is doing it fucking fantastic. And people don't understand. To sell a a ticket you have to connect with your base You have to really connect with your base There's got to be a fucking connection

You could tell them all the Jewish words and how Jewish people act and you're the Jew of the week great You're a fucking Jew. We know this now what? What makes you tick? fucking Jew, we know this. Now what? What makes you tick? What makes you tick? Do you think going on stage and talking about eating pussy is gonna make people tick for you?

No. Stories, it's turning, it's turning. And then again, this comes in time when you learn to do this. It's taking life experiences, taking a look at them, and turning them into a fucking joke. And sometimes you, you know, I used to do Coke with my cat. That is the most exaggerated fucking joke in the world. I still get hate mail.

Do you really? Oh my God, once a fucking mugged. Fuck you. It was an exaggeration of a joke. That's the fucking joke, you know? But those little jokes are the ones that connect with people. Because there's a thousand people that have dug coke and have looked at their cat at one point and then go, what the fuck is going on here? There's so many things.

That connection is what makes people go in and then it becomes the law of natural returns. You ever gonna make a left turn? Right and there's two lanes There's always one lane that's got eight cars more than the other one People will get in that lane instead of the inside lane that only has four Their followers they go to the first thing they see. We live in a society that get two lines for the same fucking thing and pack one line.

People stand in line for two hours before somebody goes, the other line is open. Right? That's crazy, but you're right. People stand in that line for two hours before somebody goes, the other line is open. Right. That's crazy, but you're right. They don't want to see it. That's how it starts. That's the beginnings of a fucking sheep. That's the beginnings of a sheepville. That's how they fucking nail you.

So that's the easiest thing after that. What are you doing today? I'm going to see Joey Diaz. I don't know who that is Oh my god. Okay, I'm coming and now you just got an extra four guys out of the four guys The two chicks are gonna hate you but the guys are gonna love you Right a date for a year later not in three. Oh my god, will you you're so so many tickets? When can you come back? 14 months No, come back. No, you're not gonna come back.

No, I'm not gonna have material. Right, because you're gonna have completely new material. A professional agent's gonna put you there. Let's say you do March and you do great. This cute motherfucker's gonna put you there in August. And then, because you're the hot ticket, they're gonna put you there New Year's Eve. And these people who went to see the first and second time,

they're going to bring their friends now to the third time. Wait till you see them. Oh my god. And either you haven't written a fucking joke that they have to go, oh, thank god he's saying that joke. This is my favorite joke. It's all about the connection. I still remember watching a dear friend of mine who's a horrible comic on a Showtime show.

I was waiting to watch him, to support him, and I had to go to the bathroom. And I sat on the toilet, and I could listen to him. And from listening to him, I go, I'm changing my routine. I Love Rodney and I started out trying to be Rodney and dice put together. I changed my routine No more one-liners. I'm not doing them. I'm not accomplishing nothing It gets laughs, but I'm not becoming a headliner. I Have to get in their head they have to get into mine and then we We come together at some point and now it becomes easy you sell not everywhere

But that's a complete different story, but always remember you could call 20 agents and go dog. I got 19 standing ovations. I'm ready if you ain't settled tickets, nobody wants to fucking talk and These motherfuckers so greedy today that they'll force you out there. And now you're out there selling 18 tickets and you ain't coming back to that fucking club. Right. Not for a long time. Not for a long fucking time. So where are you at this weekend? No shows in the city? This week I'm in New York. I have a couple of shows at Sheba's at the three monkeys bar

It's a great room. I'm not sure exactly I'm gonna find out about that this week. I'm doing the comedy shop I'll be there probably a couple of times But the big ones are Rodney's August 29th Thursday night 9 15 in New York City. I'm really excited and And my hometown Knicks, September 6th and September 7th, eight o'clock show. So excited. You're a bad motherfucker, dog.

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