Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz wants to build up his tolerance again

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about his plan to earn Lee $50k by sending him to rehab, the power that anger has over you, why prison and the Army are more similar than you'd think, what someone did to Joey that made him leave a football game, and much more! Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Liquid I.V. order. Use code JOEY at https://www.liquidiv.com New DraftKings customers get $250 in bonus bets and 1 month of NFL+ Premium when you bet just $5. Download the DraftKings app and use code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's up? I'm doing good. I'm fucking Pretty high. I'm like it's just hitting me right now that I live here. Oh It's good. Hey, it's gonna take to you get hit in the head or get mugged and then you'll be on the floor Are you putting that on me? Why you put it? It's the truth. Nobody knows they're in New York. They get mugged up They hit get hit with a brick and they go. Oh, I'm in New York Wow They get hit with a brick and they go, oh, I'm in New York. Wow. And you say, why do you put that on me?

Let me tell you something. You get hit in the head with a brick and you're okay. You get up, you'll be so happy about being in New York. It's like that guy that got hit in the bottle at my comedy show at NIAC that night. He's like, man, this is the best night of my life. I got hit in the head, I got stitches. I got to see Joey Diaz.

He looked at it from a different perspective. So, you know, we're two different kinds of people. I'm not that would not be the best day I think that would be that I don't think I'd even get this stuff I bought I think I would just leave if I got hit in the head with a brick So what you have a little turbine on for a few weeks you throw them off is he Jewish is Iranian what? What's going on here? You know what I'm saying? Is he Palestinian? It's fun. Anyway, congratulations on your move Thank you, buddy. You're excited, you know a lot of shit happened this week and that's good You know you moved in didn't do much comedy

But it gives you a couple days to sit back and watch and also it gives you more material If you're not eyes the four-story fucking dilemma You got yourself into on stage This is just this is your closing bit on your first special This is gonna become you're not even paying attention to it's like the man said When opportunity knocks, you know, but you ain't listening for the knocks How do I yeah, but I guess you're right I wasn't thinking about writing a joke about I've been telling jokes about it to like People around me, but I haven't done it on state

Says fucking four floors. Oh my god. We're trying to get draft kings to give you an over and under What how many times I fall or something? No, how long is gonna take you to say I've had it just jump off the balcony and go That's it. I ain't walking up these stairs Well draft Kings wanted wants to do let's do a whole like ticket We'll do like how many months until I jump off the balcony How many times I fall how many times like, you know, like well you over and under What do you say? When will you get hit in the head? I don't want to get hit in the head

Watch the square park, you know like I got yeah, but We went to watch the square park thinking like it was the festival of love It is in the head with a stick Well, I thought it was fucking stab you for three dollars When I was here finding this apartment or finding apartments, I was in Washington Square Park and I asked someone I'm like are we allowed to smoke weed here and they looked at me a little bit selling weed on a table right there You have retarded You fucking they've been shooting heroin this is 1968 and you really were smoking weed in that motherfucker

That's where you go to see the real devil They would shoot heroin just in up in the park. There's yeah There when I was a kid, I used to go there with somebody to pick up heroin He used to pick up heroin and leave me and my buddy in a bar at fucking McSaulies Okay, you go at McSaulies and we get three mugs for a dollar and a bowl of of chili. And he'd hook us up because if we were with him, he would never get pulled over. We were his plumbing assistants. He would give us like 50 a day just to go over there with him and hold his beers and fuck it.

He'd do all the plumbing work. We'd go to the car and wrench every 20 minutes. But how long would it take him to get heroin if you were having like all these beers and chili and... and dog I would We walk into McSully's alehouse. We would order a mugger because in those days There was like a happy hour three mugs for a dollar or something Jesus We would fucking order, you know mug a beer. He would talk to us like 15 minutes

He would go right to Washington Square Park Walk back in sit down take a sip of the beer taste the chili go to the bathroom shoot it and Fuck will come right out and sit with us and finish the chili Jesus is it what happened heroin like it doesn't seem like the heroin people now could eat chili with you at a bar Well, listen, I don't fucking know do I hang out with heroin people cocksucker? This is I don't know you're very you used to I don't know you don't even see heroin people that I mean people are doing a lot of heroin in New York But you don't see the people at the lights nodding in between like falling asleep. You don't see that unless you want a subway

No, it's a different city. There used to be a time with those fucking creepy motherfuckers were all over the city drool on themselves There's been a lot of cops how that is one thing I've noticed is that there's all cops like every couple of blocks There's a car. There's a cop like they're out. Oh You know That deterrent as much fucking crime as they can in New York, you know, and like I said, the five barrels is huge You're never gonna have enough manpower to cover everything so things get away and people get looking last night There was a shooting somewhere this afternoon. They shot somebody in Queens I mean last night they fucking was a they they shot two people after the Detroit Lion game

Last night they fucking was a they they shot two people after the Detroit Lion game Did they really yeah right at the fucking stadium somebody died somebody's in critical condition was a shootout. I Mean, you know listen man. We're in a different world right now. They almost shot Trump again, right? Yeah on the fucking It's listen like I told you a year ago. Just get the passport ready to go within minutes Get yourself and this goes for everybody not just for Lee I wish I had the luxury of doing this You know put put two hundred dollars in the fucking bank account and transfer it to some bank in Norway so when you get over there, you got money somewhere. Like I'm telling you, this is gonna be- Do you think it's that bad? Do you think it's like getting out of the country bad soon?

I think that if you're fucking sick of this shit, it's time to go somewhere else. If you're sick of this economy, if you're sick, you can't buy a house, You can't afford, you know, a hundred grand gets you nothing in an American household now You know, what's the what's the fucking use? What do you think I got a president it's all gonna get better the milk prices are gonna go down and eggs and Cars are gonna go down. I mean, you know, and this is what the hope is so if this doesn't happen People will be very angry in their subconscious at this point

Everybody's waiting for something better. They don't know what it is. But if they What they get there's gonna be a lot more fucking shootings Yeah, it does seem like people like it just seems like everyone's more angry than like happening about everything. The pressure is fucking mounting. Your credit card debt is mounting. It started four years ago during COVID. You thought you were cool ordering lobster tails from main online

and tickets and the concerts and the plane tickets. And there's a lot of angry people in the country right now. That's why, you know, we need to laugh from time to time and goof and because it's the truth. When they really think about, I remember being like fucking young and thinking about the future. What was I gonna do?

How was I gonna keep snorting coke? Where was I gonna get this million dollars from? You know, you think think about but I always Kept that in mind like no matter how fucked up I was what what's going on here, you know and now I Have friends that are struggling. I Have people that in my life that are not working. I Have you know, everybody's complaining about the price of fucking the plane ticket milk a toll you know and

People just get angry, bro And you want to think about your shit That's what made me used to do drugs. I think at night coming home and thinking about my reality I'm gonna be a loser. How am I gonna do this? Fuck it Let me just not more coke. I mean, that's the answer right now Yeah And you know, hey listen, man, it's rough out there for a pen It can be

Pimpin ain't easy, but it sure is motherfucking fun Lisa. Yeah, so sure is motherfucking fun Lisa yeah so look at the world sideways fucking these two people beat themselves up on stage during a fucking concert yeah you know I mean they canceled the rest of the tour they were gonna cancel one show the rest of the tour they canceled the rest of the tour and I'm telling you that there was anger up at that stage about something. He said he was stealing his limelight or whatever. First off, you're 60. There ain't no fucking limelight. Ali, what do you think could have happened as a performer? Did you see something like,

oh, I know what they're fighting about? The last time I saw something like that was the eagles when the eagles were together that's what made them break up they played for a governor like a free show to raise money and the one guy didn't like it a couple of them didn't like it but one guy raised his hand he started fighting with glenn fry and he fucked it and went after glenn fry you know, and they had known each other for god knows how many years but Traveling together all that shit. These guys just started the tour. I don't know how many day I could be wrong. I don't know how many dates they could be into it, but

If they canceled the tour, maybe they don't have a lot of ticket sales either Right, which was a big problem this summer Like all these tours went out there and they thought they were gonna get ticket sales and they get out there and they're fucking in The movie theater. They got 300 people like everybody else and that's dog. That's rough That's gotta be rough I Guess to me 300 people sounds amazing, but I understand what you're saying for a bag like that when you've been doing arenas and fucking festivals And I don't even know what that place seats. I may be completely wrong here. I don't know right. Oh you Was it drugs were they hammered? I don't think so First of all, I love Navarro. I mean, you know, he that motherfucker played a guitar

He's a tiny but don't get confused. He could play that fucking guitar and Perry Farrell He's not my favorite fucking singer. You know, I'm saying like I've heard fucking grandmothers so Who knows, you know, it's just fucked up that that happens on stage. That's anger. That's exactly what we're talking about You know I mean, it's just fucked up and you I'm thinking of going to the jet game on Thursday, and I'm like am I gonna get hit in the head? You know because this is what you got to think about these things now is that gonna be some guy

Shoot bullets from some fucking satellite in New York City You know all you want to do is go enjoy yourself. Yeah, and now I think twice I'm scale one to ten like how how much do you think about it? Like cuz I don't at all For Well For Okay, I mean that means when I walk in when I get out of that car And I'm walking in I'm very quiet And I'm just watching

You know just watch just pay attention pay attention the door you go into Pay attention as you sit down make sure you know where the exits are If you can move towards the exit fuck it do it just in case somebody fuck it When I got a movie theater, you know, you have to get a ticket and tell them where you want to sit Right. I said what I want Because there's no movie theaters that are packed anymore You buy this ever been You buy the special ticket you get there and there's eight people in the movie theater

So you want me to sit where you want me to sick? Oh fuck yourself. There's a thousand empty seats Right. I'll find the closest one to the exit like a run downhill I'll find the closest one to the exit like a run downhill like I'm going in like a big black kahuna. I could jump and take down two people with 260 coming at you Damn, okay You know You have to start thinking that way in today's America I'm not trying to scare you leave but it's a truth You walk into a restaurant you walk into a place in New York City

You sit with your back to the fucking wall and all sudden you live it You're in boogie nights when that guy robs a doughnut place and also some guy comes in with a gun and you're in there Yeah, I need to know but I do need to think like that but then also the thing that like I struggle with in New York that I'm like I'm focusing on so I don't get in trouble is like minding your own business if like you see it like I've seen crazy shit And everyone tells me like don't look at it. You just you just walk You don't know nothing mind your own business. I don't know nothing Listen man, I know everything and you listen to somebody like this and you go that guy's got no compassion. No, I Got plenty of compassion and I've stopped for plenty of people

But at the same time You don't know what's going on. You don't want to go over there fucking Captain Sabre. Ho and Get stabbed and people do what's the number one worst fucking thing a cop domestic violence calls Really? Okay. That's number one fucking thing that they go into now with like Helmet gear cuz you don't know what's gonna happen That's love. God knows what happened. She cheated he cheated he fucked a midget and orgy You don't fucking know Right, and they and they're angry. Okay, it's coming anger a lot this week. Okay He fucked a midget and orgy You don't fucking know

Right and they and they're angry. Okay, it's coming anger a lot this week. Okay. Yeah anger is fucking just And I get it I fucking get it I see young guys. They're angry. I fucking really relate to that because at 25 I hated the fucking world 24 22 I hated the fucking world? 24 22 I Hated the fucking world You know, I had the attitude the world was against me, you know

Now you're against you. It's so funny. I was thinking about this how Mercy has gotten away with murder on softball and basketball because I have athletic ability She started early, you know, she was throwing punches and kicks when she was four with Keita. But I talked to him and I go, you know, when you get to be about 12 or 13, you got to start focusing on what you want to do and it becomes lifting and running and it becomes a lot of facets of your fucking life.

The same thing is for improving your life People say they want to improve their life. So I eat more tomatoes but And everything else they wait for something to happen Nothing's gonna happen. Let's work on it. Like you have to work on it work on it work on and it's just It's a lot of struggle and people finally go fuck it. I'm not gonna do this I'll just go to easy right I don't fucking blame him You know, it's crazy cuz I went the easy route. I didn't I couldn't make it as a fucking US civilian

So I became a comedian That was the easy that was the lowest hanging fruit for me I was born to do that shit Tell stupid stories, make people laugh and hang out in the corner and smoke dope. Boo yah! Where do I sign up for that shit? But that was taking the easy way out for you. Yeah, I could have gone to school and been somebody. I could have been a fucking contender. I could have been a lawyer, but I had to go fuck things up. Do you think you'd actually like it? I don't think I'd like being a lawyer, but I had to go fuck things up. Do you think you'd actually like it? I don't think I'd like being a lawyer, because my mom does it, and she, I think I would hate it.

Listen, after 30 years, you're going to hate it. But the first 10, 15 years is so fucking interesting. It's so fucking interesting getting people off and defending them. I think it would be something I loved I really do I love negotiate Yeah, you like that part. I love all that shit so I could just imagine a different life what I could have done with it but Yeah, I

Think you did pretty fucking good fucking sad. Just thinking I really do I would have loved to have a college life and maybe been on the fucking rowing team or some fucking, you know. Why the rowing? God, you have like a nerdier wish than I do. Yeah, I don't know. That's the way an American kid is raised.

Not how I was raised. Listen, the plan was maybe, raised Listen the plan maybe list the plan man Go to fucking college and then you join the fucking Marines you learn how to kill motherfuckers with a law degree You don't know you kill people with a degree because I tell you what you'll kill people a lot better with a degree Then you don't have a degree like you fucking just a duck Then you come back and you go to fucking law school and you don't have a degree. Like you fucking just adopt. Then you come back and you go to fucking law school and you're going as a, you come out.

I mean, you're an officer going in. I mean, it's just an amazing life that they print for you. You know, that they blueprint for you. And it's not that hard. It's not that hard. You go to the army for four years you take classes the army pays for it You don't got to put the strain on your parents or your grandmother wait for your grandfather to die Or sell the house, you know, I see a lot of kids that are going to two years of community college now

Yeah, just say oh, yeah, not here It's Brookdale right the fucking Rutgers and the girl was telling me the same professors. I had last year. We used to teach at Rutgers They just don't want to wear a jacket I don't blame them But the army that doesn't sound easy to me at all. I don't I could never do that I know that I would I don't know last a day in the army listen if I made it in prison I can make it in the army because the same foundation you just adding a ton of exercises to it and getting yelled at racial slurs jail or fucking army

Hell in the army ain't no fucking different you don't say let me depends on you look but What was I thinking But going to college in the army you're working towards I mean listen in both organizations you're working towards some calling prison an organization in both Working towards something But at the same time Get out alive you just exercise and you're taking a lot of shit from people. I don't know how long basic camp is basic training, but that's basically

After that you decide where you're gonna go They train you, you know, you could go to nice places You could be a killer. I would choose just to be like one of those rifle dudes And learn how to shoot people from 10 years away Like a sniper rifle. That's what you want to do. Yeah, this sniper rifle attorney I had no idea Then I come out you become an attorney you go back to fucking law school You know It's it's a tremendous and you're all doing this by the time you're 27 28

Take a box and you know war Then you start shooting motherfuckers they train you to Sit and get shot. Oh Yeah, but college is expensive but I don't want to fucking go to war What if there's no war what if we just going over there learning how to sniff bombs, you know Train a fucking dog how to be a killer the canine unit There's so much shit you could learn that I'm not saying that you have a cushion if the attorney thing fails, but still you're always evolving You go back and forth. I do attorney work for 15 years. I'm like fucking I'm going into security and guess what I

Got the resume not hand to hand security, but just looking around buildings, putting cameras up. Yeah, putting security systems in for people. That's the plan. They're always on the plan, Lee. If I could do it, and I would have loved to play college basketball. But do you think it's ironic, or I

don't know how you describe it that like You're probably describing 60% of the people who listen to this podcast 70% Like they grew up that way and they all listen to your stories and they're like that sounds way more fun Yeah, but to me that sounds way more fun I had a good time doing drugs and jumping up and down and mugging people fucking walking the class meeting girls Having that college experience Jesus Christ You can't replace that you can't put a price on that well now these kids are like half of facts They go to college they rad on each other

Everybody's won't yeah, you're a fucking idiot. You hate the Jews But when people with the college they went to college to get a chlamydia and fuck it, a degree in six years. You could always talk to your parents in two more years because of some reason. Six years? Yeah, who gives a fuck? Go to Arizona party.

That's it. That's it. No idea. We learned, be away from home, come home for the holidays, but at the same time I would I would have loved to go to North Carolina. Just out of respect. That's pretty cool. Out of respect. You know, there's just some schools that you think about, you look at and go, fuck, if I got to do all over again, I'd go right to that motherfucker. And I'd take the student loans. I wouldn't give a fuck. I could go right to that motherfucker and I take the student loans I wouldn't give a fuck I'd be going to school pimping

Fuck it case a raw sera The best thing that can happen is you get hit by a bus you see me before you graduate and everything is null and void And all I could think about I think his parents would have to pay Yeah, I think how bad the other option is now you got to get out of college and every month you got a bill for $80,000 and you got to pay it off making sixty two five a year. I rather be I rather be dead Let's start this fucking thing What's happening you savages it's Tuesday the 17th of September the check-in is brought to you by my favorite Liquid IV. How'd you like to actually stay hydrated for once? Liquid IV has got

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Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it i can rule the world that's what you gotta be thinking I Got fucked up this Saturday dog what happened? Oh, I got up early I Did some shit around the house. I went to the gym that had my daughter had a double-headed

Fucking beautiful day. It was the perfect large day. The sun was out, not a cloud in the sky. That was warm, but it wasn't hot. Look at me, I'm still red from the other day. And then I came home. And in the meantime, I go, it's 3.30. I'm going to go to my friend's son's football game. Why don't I eat a couple of mushrooms? So I ate the last eight of the apple and check out from fun fact three plums Who hasn't had that thought so I'm sitting at the game everything's beautiful I Got a nice tea. I got a cold water. I'm bothering nobody. I'm just looking Do's I'm just sitting there relaxing Listen to parents yelling and stuff and all of a sudden, some fucking lady sits behind me.

Like the whole thing is open. I'm trying to hide under somebody else's umbrella because I'm already well done. And this lady, I don't know this lady, she sits right behind me, puts her knee in my back. What? Like she puts her knee in my back, but I can't even sit back. And I felt like telling a lady, move the fuck down, but the mushrooms are starting to kick in, I didn't want no problems with

nobody, you know, I'm a people, I'm like Yoko Ono, I want peace, right? So the mushrooms are starting to hit me, like I'm feeling giggly and I'm feeling good and they're overwhelming at one point and This this lady blew like some fucking Becky pizza fart Listen to me like one of those veggie cheese farts you could smell the cheese and she had onions She had like an onion bagel on her breath to boot Now she'll it hit your back. I could feel it. The Sun was multiplying that I thought I was in a baker's fucking room She's no no evil and then her ass not like fucking veggie pizza

And I'm like, I can't take this no more. Right? So I just got my Home, you know me I ain't gonna tolerate it and the fart was outside I could smell it for like four minutes and it was messing up with my mushroom experience and shit like that So I said let me fucking go home. I can't take cuz I came home. I don't blame you Sat around and I got I started tripping heavy. It was like 5 30 afternoon and I'm seeing shit I'm seeing something on the corner my eye the carpet's changing colors. I'm like fuck I'm baked. I got so high I had to run upstairs and hide in the blanket for like a half hour I couldn't fall asleep. I was so high. I was having trips and trips and

Then I just won this shower wash my pussy. I came up. I made a protein shake and I was tip-top my goo But I went to a barbecue. I had some steak a couple pieces of steak piece of shrimp And then I had to go to my friend's party And it was at a restaurant. I was just gonna go into to say hello. I wasn't gonna hang I wasn't gonna do dick And then I told you I can't eat shit at night like I'm done I'm done You're very light now like maybe a little italian ice and like no real heavy foods but like I can't do what we used to do there's no way there's no way and I've been telling you this I've had a problem

with meat consumption for 15 years now at night everything is hit and miss what I used to like a lot I don't even think I eat no more. I told you had a salami sandwich the other night. I was like It was better probably just taking three pieces of salami Mm-hmm, you know, yeah not no cheese. No bread So I'm sitting at the bar and he brings over the owner fucking great guy brings over these short rib Pillows made in pasta through things with a cream sauce. I got a picture. I was gonna send to you

You're fucking head that sounds exactly like what I want. Oh is fucking unbelievable There's two places that have these that place another place that the other place the chef lives around my corner from my house and I tell him that you did some chef. Yeah, not I almost called you He's like dog whenever you want I'll swing by the house cuz he lives right around the corner I mean right around the court. He's like you let me know when you're hungry. I'll drop it off at the house Mike oh fuck that's dangerous the the Now that you're here, you come down on a Saturday, you sleep over in the garage or wherever you wanna sleep, and you're fucking, I'll have them drop off on the way for the honeymoons.

You'll go fucking, I'm telling you man, Char, that's, I love Chef Phil, that motherfucker. And he always asked me, you want me to bring some over? I'm like, come on, because I know, I know I'll be 300 pounds between no time. But I, in the other night, and Lee, it went right, I know I'll be 300 pounds between no time but I India and I and Lee it went right there. It was a 45 Papa. I Was sober as a judge. I probably had three bungits in me none the braggart

Fucking I had that little pasta pillow whatever with the meat and it just went right through me It wasn't the meter wasn't that place the food was out of this world The flavor was great. It was just a short rib Fucking had so much it was so rich. Just went right through me. I had to pull over a few shit But you know everybody learned something Did he almost puking the car like wait was that quick on the way home? Yeah. Yeah, cuz you got those turns Yeah, those turns look at you that second long turn that took the fuck and that was it the popper I saw a double in the car in front of me stop for a yellow I would have got out of the car

and blew the car up but I would have so I just sat there with that little sour taste in your throat and when the light taste turned green I just started revving that engine this motherfucker knew don't even stop for a fucking bird because I'll run you off the road and the next little turn off I turned off and just started barfing No, that's dude it's Like I the first time I came to visit you with Simone We did fucking everything and I hadn't done it for I don't know a year and a half since I'd seen you and

Steve brought that pizza. It was the night I offered the front desk lady some pizza, but Steve drove me home that night and I He was doing those fucking curves on the way home from your house to the hotel Those curves when you're when you're fucked up and you're driving brutal. Oh This time your stomach This twice I've gotten in four years. I've gotten sick on those terms with no alcohol or no drugs No, nothing in my system. I've gotten fucking sick one time. I went to visit Frankie Edgar. I fell asleep I got so sick down there

And another time was about a year and a half ago at night But that's why I don't go on that road at night no more Do you go fast like it doesn't make it worse or better if you're fast Or because when to me when it's fast, it's like Jesus Christ This is like I feel like I'm being thrown around the car. I Hate that drive coming back from your house It's fucking terrifying getting getting on if you're in New Jersey getting on the fucking nine is terrifying at night Especially on some of you said

Bastion oh I Don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that I don't know if you're gonna be able to do that. I don't know remember where I went. Oh, you you you pooped in the car. You should shit my pants.

I didn't know people in the podcast, though. My mom was in the so we were coming home from dinner and I got in the car. That's the whole way home is shit. No, it wasn't. I did it. Fucking 20 seconds from their house. I hit the last light.

The last light turned because you had a joke about that. I hit the last light and I laughed at something because I was remembering like something of someone shitting in a car was like a YouTube video I saw someone getting shit and I've never I have like I always like have a risk of like a skin mark or something like that but I haven't full-on shit my pants in Over two decades, I think But the skid marks disturbs me, you know I'm saying that call right you think you have skid marks I don't think it's an everyday thing. Yes, you do. You never have skid mark nuts inside my fucking kid

I'm not okay. Well Skidmark not since I'm a fucking kid. I'm not okay Every once in a while you don't think so. You got a skidmark every once in a while You fucking don't wipe good enough, but your ass gets spicy in about two hours Oh, there's the difference if it's spicy if it's spicy you can feel but like everyone's a while I don't know like it gets up there by accident and like it's like yeah, but it's not full-on shit But this was full-on like I had to throw everything I was wearing away. I Had to I had to fucking you ate that Billy Goh food again. It wasn't Billy Goh. It was good for now

It was Greek food. That's what it was really go food and Like you like Greek food you like gyros. I like gyros. That's what I had Yeah, you probably had a lizard gyro as usual pick the wrong fucking place. I did go to the wrong place I know you did. That's why you shit your fucking pants You probably helped it or something I've been trying to go there for years. Yeah, I've been trying to go there for years. Well, you got your fucking surprise Don't any place you want to go don't go because it's always lizard meat You have a it's not always lizard meat and not a nine ten out of nine

You want you you'll be attracted to something that's got lizard meat the chefs missing an eye the doctor's missing a tooth You just have that type of you know You know, you didn't look up this to see if I didn't look him up He had a tooth he had every tooth in his picture. Well, then you should fucking catch me I want I'm not paying you because this is false advertising. I'm scared of people with missing teeth I had a grandfather went to the war and he had a missing teeth and that I go therapy for 18 years And that's how you pick up the quick 2g's 3g's But you went to a guy with no fucking teeth. You just have

the tendencies to pick bad food I Think I picked pretty good food For you everything you say everything that you don't like that. You say I like is good Carnia sata fries is good Good when when you're six? They didn't have that in Massachusetts, I don't eat it anymore, but are you telling me? It was here. No, I never had a fucking just cuz it's somebody put on the table. I'm not eating half this shit Not even have this shit your Boston represent. We don't need quantity the flies your East Coast representing how many times must I tell you that?

Now you're in the fucking East Coast Mexican places by my place. I'm gonna hate I'm gonna have people hit you in the head with a brick if I see the wrong shit Up there Wrong place you're gonna get a brick. That's all you're gonna hear cuz it's now if you can't do that in New York you probably get that how loud me and Fuck and get a rash and you know I gotta get that out Yeah, you're gonna get another red New York is the home of rashes if you're gonna get a rash it's in New York I got a red. It's your rat today not a rat a rash no

Oh, I know, but I think they bring rashes. What was the rat on my walk back? I want I why I took like a little walk to the store after work and it was just in the like there was a Old couch that was on the side of the street and I just it was big It wasn't I saw come out of the trash cans at Washington Square Park Again, I hadn't seen him at all and then like the last two times I've been out I've seen Rats, it's like that's the one part. That's like yeah, that's kind of gross Just fucking rats cats New York City got fucking rats walking the street How crazy is that?

Unless you there's all you to New York City, but not The way you see the pictures of them now, but listen, I don't give a fuck about the rats in New York City It's something I talked to you about Okay, I Think the most disturbing thing that I read last week. I Didn't even know about it till like Friday it must have happened like Tuesday or something. I didn't know anything And I was somewhere and I was reading some of my phone then I came home and read into it like Friday. It must have happened like Tuesday or something. I didn't know anything. And I was somewhere and I was reading some of my phone. Then I came home and read into it.

The singer from the Foo Fighters had a kid outside his marriage. I did see that. And he is getting, you know, listen, that's a weird one for me. It's so weird how you always like go, yeah, when I fucking do this, I'm gonna get two bitches and have two families and shit. And you're like, I can't deal with these, what I got? Another set of women and kids. It's just a bad mistake.

And then you grow up and you're like, that's the creepiest thing ever But this is because I don't I see him all the time. I thought about that one this came out I used to see him all the fucking time. Like I you know Listen, if you want me to tell you I'm a huge Nirvana fan. I like their music, but I was never a big fan and The Foo Fighters I liked later on I started liking them like in 2003 whatever that one album. I think is fantastic But then I moved to the valley and I started going what's that Mexican place I used to go to I'm cold water mentura cactus. Oh No

Oh No Was big Pete's big Tony's Remember that place to be through with the cup a cup of fruit with the cream on it You never know. Yeah. Yeah. I think I did once or twice. That's the first place They said he's here all the time eating but he was up there people would bang on the glass he would just walk in there by himself and eat. And then I was with Eddie Bravo and you and we were at the mall, the mall up the corner from there.

And Eddie Bravo looks at us, he's talking, he goes, last time I was here, I saw Dave Grohl getting chased by TMZ. Eddie Bravo didn't finish saying that. And what do you see? Dave Grohl and his daughter? Running and he's telling some guy to go fuck himself and then he was hiding in the store And now that store like an hour later and there was David grow with his kid and I go eight

The paparazzi's gun. He's like fuck that dude and all this shit First time I have and I don't talk to him But there was a lot of people I was involved with in the valley that were involved with him like this trainer My trainer training flash to check I used to lift weights with that's how Susie slash don't Sorry about that these edibles dehydrate Okay Sorry about that these edibles dehydrate Okay And then I would just see him and I heard that he would cook all night and do those barbecues I

Think he came to one of Dean Delray stings one time. He was very nice, you know, so I never explained He's always with his daughter. He's always with his family So I didn't see this in him, you know not not at all. Like he's the last guy I think about doing something like that. But listen, I was wrong. So fucking weird. People are hating some people like fuck them. You know, I just thought it was, uh, this wouldn't even be a discussion in the 80s, you know Right, you know is your business. It's so weird like now everybody knows your business And he made other he I think did he have to make that

Statement or it just came out because he didn't want to coming out another way Well, I don't know how it went down Lee. I don't know exactly how the fuck Maybe your conscience maybe do you hear from from like your single comedian friends like are they nervous when they go on the road of like they hook up with a girl and like she gets pregnant like or like you know that it could take two seconds and now you have a kid Last time you had sex Were you thinking she gets pregnant? I? Kind of yeah, I wore a condom. Yeah, but listen Somewhere it's like if you're doing cocaine at four in the morning and one of your friends wants to say hey you got to test

That that's what's the scary thing about cocaine is you'll test the eight o'clock stuff and the ten o'clock But then you'll call your dealer at two And he's out So now you gotta go somewhere else and by that time you're Jones and by the time you get it You're just gonna do it without testing Same thing. I mean how many girls have you been with that? You know, I'm gonna wear a condom a couple times and after the second time you just go but fuck one night and there you have it and Now you got to come home, you know, whatever

and listen when I was Up to the age of 30 fucking seven. I did what I wanted Okay First off I was doing the amount of drugs. I didn't think I couldn I was just gonna have that one when I was 26 and that was it. I Was never gonna be lucky again. So sling it till you got it You know I'm saying if she gets pregnant, you'll know in 32 days Whatever the fuck you'll get the call that she's missing or whatever and I never had that problem I never had that problem

I never had that problem I never had that problem I never had that problem I never had that problem You know Nobody ever called me and said this so I got a disease or you got a disease or anything When you tend to become a comic and you're a young comic or any type of comic when you go out there in the road First as a feature and somebody's paying you and giving you a whole tower room Listen, you'll take on whatever they're giving

You'll take on whatever they're giving you know, and there's a lot of Weird stuff on the road, but some chick in Tennessee is not gonna impregnate you when you're a feature act making five hundred dollars a week Right. No, it's it's gonna be when you're a feature act making $500 a week. Right now it's, it's gonna be when you're deep growth. Yeah, it's not gonna, they're not gonna get pregnant when you're making 500 a week and listen, things happen on the road, but you gotta live your life and you gotta say to yourself, we were all weak at one point. We all get weak.

I don't care how much you go to church. I don't care how strong you are. You're having a bad day. Some chick puts that muffler in your face. You got a wife at home. You're gonna do something stupid and Then you got a problem because now you can either do two things stupid or you can end it with that learn your lesson and move on with your life My you would hope so, but I don't know I don't know if he had a relationship with this check. I Don't know if it was a one-night stand. I don't know if they went on the road together. I don't know I Didn't look into it that much I got shit

Don't think would suck for like that kid though Like they always good. They're always gonna be known as that in a weird way. I have a dear dear friend dear dear friend Grew up with This person since I was 10 She's a year older than me okay Great family great Great home. Great everything. Smart, beautiful. She made a ton of dough on her own. She had two kids with a guy that was married. And you know, I don't know how it went down, maybe one kid or two kids. And

they never met their dad. They never knew who he was. They never, that was the deal they made. That's crazy. That's just more of like me not like you know Thinking I'm gonna get mugged. I just don't think people like little high that they had not one but two kids Listen man different strokes for different folks Yeah, but you know What was maybe she's a woman that doesn't wanna hug She just wanted kids and I don't need this shit

I make enough money on my own. I could take care of myself. I don't know right I never asked But target it's not right judge. Yeah, no, no, it's it's not you Not that you judge we all have an idea what happened and sometimes we want to inquiring We all have an idea what happened. And sometimes we want to inquiring hearts want to know. I thought it was tough enough on them without me asking. And I've known them. Of course. 61, I know them since I'm 10 or 11, 12.

I can't imagine it. I couldn't, I don't have the stomach for that shit. I don't mind going out doing a comedy show one night by mistake Yeah, hi, you know the bulls you see from fucking chicks She's like I mean were you with me in Oregon that night when the chick said that she was We were in the circle at helium who were outside smoking dope after the show I didn't go to healing but I think I heard I think I remember this happening girl goes I've been giving heads since I was 13 and the whole all of us just stopped and everybody had to go home

It was the weirdest fucking thing it was a weird, you know That's a scene from a TV show or a movie just someone saying that they don't walk away Usually if a girl goes I've been giving heads to some 13 everybody go. All right, let's do this Herbie looked at and said we don't think so. Bye I'm gonna get in the car What the fuck was that? Why would that girl just say that? You know, and did she say anything as you were all leaving? And I just love the image of like you guys not even saying a word but just a little bit What you're away from the women there, you know, there was like

It was like 13 of us getting high a couple of the guys girlfriends, you know Yes, we got away she goes I wasn't 12 I was 10. Yeah. No, she didn't say shit Anything like that You know, he keeps thinking about fucking the biggest lie that was sold to us was COVID four years ago Right why we bought into the last 20 years at the Cowboys or the Americas fucking team? Yesterday was a fucking disaster. I think I was at a friend's house. He made lasagna and he had that uh The one would have all the games coming up All the people get beat up last night

People got in the left Houston was giving six and a half and I wanted my six. I mean it was a day of beatings yesterday Kansas City Fucking Dallas didn't win Baltimore lost outright and was given eight points to fuck it whatever. I mean everybody got a beating yesterday Two has got a head a neck brace on he ain't playing for a few weeks That poor bastard, you know, it was just a bad week of football but talking about football Let me talk to you about draft Kings for a minute. We'll be right back tip-top Magoo What's happening beautiful people I want to talk to you about draft Kings sportsbook You want to put a dip in the waters of the betting world, but don't know where to start

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see dkng.co slash FTBALL. NFL plus premium offer available only to new and former NFL plus subscribers additional NFL plus premium terms at NFL.com slash terms we're back bitches Anyway, I just wanted you called me on Saturday and had a tip for the UFC and I Followed it and I fucking won. So thank you. Who do you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? I saw that. I didn't even see the fight. I saw me either. I didn't need to see it. I saw that coming a mile away. A mile away. I saw some MMA show and all five guys,

Chael, this guy, all of them went with sugar Shane and then fucking I went on DraftKings and I tried to just bet around and they kept putting a parlay including sugar. Why would you do that? It was over and over every time I pressed that button. It was over. I had a parlay that night like one of those parlay's the DraftKings had oh, yeah Nice you wouldn't like 82

And I put 50 on the fight which I meant that's usually I bet 25. I'm more 50 I got greedy. I was like walk when they won. I was scared for a minute. I'm like, I'm gonna lose $50 Going into Sunday. Nah, I Didn't even was I awake. Yes. I was awake cuz I saw I didn't watch the fight. It came up on Twitter Yeah, fucking knew it. I fucking knew it if Alexa grass or would have up it would have upset Valentina then I Would have bet sugar I'll really you would wait

Fight I always do With the price. There's no reason to put your card in at seven o'clock Look at how the fights are going if there's an early upset you're fucking done because I know you're an idiot not you Lee I know you're an idiot including in the parlay That is me that is what I do Well, you know anyway, I'm not talking about you, but that's what happens. So now you're fucked That's why I like when I'm at the fights. I bet the fights as they come up

Looking at the fight earlier. There's gonna be an upset who it's gonna be you never know But if they get one out of the way now, you know, the favorites gonna win in the other one. I Believe in it Like I believe in that stuff too. Like this it like people are do or whatever. What did like That doesn't really exist. Does it like or do you really think like do you really believe in it? Cuz I do as a gambler I don't Believe in superstitions or believe in when I see lines fucking around No, like superstitions are like if this is if that was an early upset

That means the next one's gonna because like they're two different things. It shouldn't matter. But like I think that way too Everything is everything. It's all tied in together. You just don't see it How many times have you seen the easiest pick on the prelim card? The easiest pick is on the prelim car but you're there banging your head Heads because you're an idiot You're a fucking idiot you take you know, I've lost enough to know that you're wasting your time with something. I don't like parlays I like straight shit if I feel good. I've been a fucking parlay, but how usually I'm lucky listen. I'm lucky I could pick one

What makes you think I could pick 13 of them? That's luck Because you're not gonna do it again the following week You know, you know in the following week and it's a great luck It's great to have a feather in your pocket Whatever a rabbit's foot in your fucking pocket, one in your nut sack. It's always good for you. You know what I'm saying? I guess.

And this shit that happened yesterday, I mean, I'm not a political guy, but it's just going overboard right now. They tried to shoot this guy twice now. I don't know if it's making them stronger. I don't know if it's making them weaker. I don't even it's so fucked up Lee. It is so fucked up. Listen, it's scary as the president nominee. At least you got to be a president before they shoot you. This motherfucker is not even the president and they're already gunning at him You know what about just as a person like knowing who gets shot at twice?

Like not many people get shot at twice like that's fucked up Like they hate him so much, and I don't feel either way about him But like to hate they just hate him. I don't think it's gonna stop It's not Americans in check You know, it's gonna put America like right now. That's the anger you see all these things rolled up All these things part of it is that fucking anger? You know, right and you can you blame Americans for being angry?

We just found that that that fucking covid shot is making us die. Everything was a scam We're finding out fowchee was a fucking scam Your credit card debt is unbelievable. The interest rates are unbelievable. There's no place to fucking move Play tickets are unbelievable. Forget fucking disneyland and your goddamn kids Because that's a different dimension. So People are angry and That's why we like fucked up jokes and you know, that's why you got to take people off that game

It's it's like you you would not want to laugh Yeah, a ton of times Like I love making somebody laugh when they're not supposed to laugh like when they have a definite Like I love making somebody laugh when they're not supposed to laugh like when they have a definite And I had a right to will or something like that. I love doing that to people because they're not supposed to laugh So it makes you are great that they're not gonna laugh never Never because my job is to take them out of that fucking head the way I smoke weed If you don't smoke weed, then you're not. I smoke weed to get taken out of my head so I don't have to realize that the president got shot at, the nominee has got shot twice. I

have to realize that the price of everything is fucking high and that the family of four is a fucking dinosaur in this country. You know, it's a dinosaur, it's a fucking dinosaur. People can't survive on with two kids and literally in cleats and schools and fucking trips and books. So I'm just happy man that I picked something I love that it pays my bills later on in life. I'm not stressing because all this stress stresses what takes you down at this age

The stress I got my stresses Excuse me brother money stresses money. Everyone says that like it kills marriages Like my kill you like money is it were terrible It's it's and that's what's come, you know Like I said, I keep my on that credit card then when that bubbles gonna bust You know and that's not good All these mortgages and these hyper homes on houses and our young American can't buy a home anymore If they buy a home, they're gonna get raped, you know and some fucking so it's just I understand I

Really really under fucking stand and when I look at this type of shit, I go. Yeah People blowing it. Did you see the guy that tried to shoot him? No, I didn't see what he looked like. I'm on Twitter today that poor bastard It seems like people are snapping is like like I just think that like they described like who would try to shoot the president like Who but like I but I think people are just snapping and just they have enough of it to a certain point And then they go crazy Well, thank God we're not in this position brother no fuck no Do you do you ever talk about it with mercy like being good not getting into debt?

Like that's something you talk about with her. No, she's 11 years old. I Know but they need to know I mean when they're 14 And about two years I set her up with a ATM card already Right that stuff. I'm really sad that they don't have the books so they can Deposit money and see where their money's going and have a Christmas club, like all the things I had growing up to put away money for the end of the year,

but I'm gonna talk to her a lot about that. And, you know, I mean, listen, right now she's involved in the softball and her friends and just trying to focus on being a young lady. What's credit card deck going to mean to her now at least? So it's, there's nothing in our world. Well, not like a full on thing, but like just, I see, I know, I don't have kids. I'm not saying you're wrong. I just, that was something that my parents did and knock on.

Well, like I've had, I've gotten low, but I've never gone into like thousands of dollars. i've gotten very lucky And that's it that would kill me The worst thing is going to college and they give you a card like not even your parents. They just give you one in the old days Sitting back right there as you registered and they give you a coupon for 50 cash for fucking doing the application All of them discover all of them That was my mistake and I knew about debt, but you never see yourself. I Don't know credit card debt is something that is fucking horrible

It's a loan shark. It's it's it's I don't care what the interest rate is Because if you get too deep in it, you're just paying a fucking thing and you're never gonna see daylight And credit cards at the end of the day in this world different emergencies My super market that pushing you to use your credit card There's some places who don't take cash now. No, so it's kind of like what the fuck are you trying to do here? You know, I still love cash. There's things I go to the ATM and take cash out for just because I like that.

But I don't know where we're going. But you know what? I'm just going to keep laughing. I'm going to keep trying to raise my door. I'm going to keep getting high and eat my little mushrooms, edibles. I'm going to give the mushrooms a break for about two weeks now because I want to build Up my tolerance again, so when I see you we go off the fucking charts

Holy shit, even Josh said we got to promote you from this two grams of mushrooms. You're ready for the next level In Winnipeg he's taking you to places. Yeah And I can't wait September 26 to the 28th for four years you've been digging around I'm not digging around two grams. That was what you took at the game. I took the same amount No, you know, we're gonna fuck what do you mean? I don't he has a scale you're eating by palm Well, that's how we're gonna start eating it by pun. No, I can't no we're not eating mushrooms by palm No, I can't even know we're not even mushrooms by palm Pay that to Graham. I'll tell you whatever they want me to tell you. I know what it looks like what to tell you They'll tell you I tell them it's two grams. This is seven on me

So let it go take the stick out of your ass. You've been on your own But guess what pop is back. We're breaking this mother by the end of the month. You'll be 800 milligrams again by December 31st will be doing 2200 milligrams back. We're breaking this month. By the end of the month, you'll be 800 milligrams again. And by December 31st, we'll be doing 2200 milligrams of molecular whatever. By that time, there'll be a different synthesis. Do they take Massachusetts insurance in New York? Is that? Listen, don't worry about insurance. You don't need insurance. I'm worried about it. What are you talking about? Mushrooms by Palm.

I got that mushroom therapy place for you for six to give you fifty grand to go to rehab You go down and you always say that I've never seen any money from the you always say fifty grand I'm in When you go where? When don't I want to go to therapy for you keep saying rehab 50 grand? Yeah, I'll do that right now based off your insurance is your insurance cover rehab Probably not Well, then what are you talking about? And what do you want me to do?

Rehab I better not cover rehab. Maybe I don't know maybe it does. Yeah, you got a look in the fine print. I Never thought I I never what am I gonna go to rehab for? The mushroom for the mushrooms for the fucking edibles were about to take We're going deep 50 grand that might be right there with you down on the old Cauliflower of six weeks smoking cigarettes, and I don't want to go to a caliph. I just moved here I don't want to go to rehab for six weeks No one needs to do 800 milligrams. That's the 50 G's

You want 50 you gotta go to Calip for six weeks. They got a comedy club needs me more than 50 It's like Captain D's comedy room or something. You'll be doing comedy down there You'll be you'll come back like the six million dollar man strong I think you're like you have to rehab to do comedy at Captain D's company out this rehab isn't on the up and up It's special for you because your family you could down a house No, it's somebody's fucking fucking beautiful property They bring girls in for you if you need a little sucky sucky some

Spanish girls off a boat that don't know where they are. They told me gonna California they take them though, Cala You know I'm saying you could eat some edibles with them the That's something you need to question. I don't want what I should I'm giving you 50 G's to go to O'Callum for six weeks That's all you need to know you know you're not you do comment and send me more information Where am I gonna show up to the same information you tell me? Oh, there's so many rehabs No, no, you tell me when you want to go look at the book the dates. I'll call them tomorrow Don't come up can get you to put you on a nice plane. They'll give you lollipops. You know, the whole thing. And they'll give you a 6-weeks. They'll give you 50, 25 after 3. And they'll give you another 25 when you complete the program.

I'll definitely just leave after 3 weeks then. No, you gotta stay for the 6-weeks or you'll embarrass me. No, I don't. They give me 50. I'm gonna leave. You're down there representing me. You can't leave after 3 weeks. Because I'm getting the six I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm

gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm gonna give you a grand. I'm Yeah Yeah You have the comedy this weekend fucko This weekend on Friday, I'll be in Queens. I'll let you know more later I'm just and now I like a beach set to a couple of our friends But tomorrow they wake up. They're not gonna be I did it earlier. I talked to her already

for who Shiba and wish she was speaking easy. That's great. I she offered me tonight at eight, but You in Queens? No, that I I'm gonna be in Queens on Friday at a at a barber shop She business from 8 to 10 you could still make it. No, she wanted me to do the first spot You fucked up again, I'll do it soon. Oh, what do you mean? I fucked that way of the podcast Well, we could have done this at 715 Don't be fun. We did it at seven and and sort of eight

I'm not mad about it at all. I'm gonna go do an open mic tonight I'm so like this is my like start of doing comedy in New York. I'm really excited For you. I'm very excited for you. I'm very excited for you to get a schedule I'm very excited that you didn't fucking go to Apollo and stand out there like a fucking move the law That would have been fun. No, that wouldn't have been fun. That's where you get hit with a brick I want to perform at the Apollo. Yeah. Yeah good. I want to perform at the White House, too. Don't worry about Want to perform at the Apollo? Yeah. Yeah good. I want to perform at the White House, too. Don't worry about Yeah, I want to perform at the White House to even saying there were those conference dinners and watch them all walk the fucking room

Except for the piano, you know saying the piano players like yeah you walk these fucking white cocksuckers. I Would love to see you do that, but now it's gonna be fun And yeah, so and then I'm doing like you said Winnipeg with Josh wolf. That's 26 to the 28th at rumors I'm going by the way, Wednesday night. I hope you come Danny Brad. We'll get a bunch of us Where you going to the dojo Wednesday night? Fuck? Yeah, I'll go So this comes out Tuesday tomorrow will be at the dojo Wednesday night So this comes out Tuesday tomorrow will be at the dojo Wednesday night Wednesday night 8 o'clock for the best of the dojo smoking dope Having a good time with the boys. Let me see if I could talk rich boss

Now you're fun. Yeah, I gotta go work out this material so I get this ball going so I'm very excited about that You know, I'm excited about a lot of things It's cool. That's what you were saying earlier about like, you know You think after 30 years of being a lawyer you might hate it and I'm sure there's after 30 years There's some stuff about stand-up you don't like but I think overall you still fucking loves just stand up I think he loves I love the excitement and I had to keep it into my life and when I came to the realization Between last week and this week, I really came into a realization that, listen, and I try to be honest with everybody. And I've said this for years. If I did my job for the week, especially now,

I got shit to do with the kid. I always felt if I do my job for the week on Friday night I'm pretty fucking tired I'm pretty fucking tired. You know I wanted you to today guys. I didn't do anything Saturday and Sunday except walk And I went to do you and I got eight hours of sleep last night and Saturday was okay But today I was tired all day And I still trained I had to do this. I had to meet with some guy on zoom You know Friday nights, I'm tired. I don't want to perform for anybody no more on a Friday night Cuz I can't give you a lane

And then Saturdays, I'm so busy with them I'm so busy here on Saturdays. It's not gonna happen and I Don't feel like being in a hotel room on a Saturday morning anymore Not for me I'm not gonna call my wife and say how you doing and she's in a park with ten around the jumping up and down And I'm in a hotel waiting six hours to do a show on a Saturday night That's not gonna work no more so My comedy schedule is gonna be Wednesday and Thursday's and if I go to Austin, it's Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

That's my new comedy life I've always preferred Wednesdays and Thursdays anyway, I ain't fucking doing comedy on the weekends I rather the show start at 8 o'clock. You do a two-man show and you get him out of there I fucking hate 945 They laughed their ass off. They got a little high they drank. They got an appetizer. They don't go to sleep Because the weekend Yeah, I'm too busy on the weekend, and I don't want to add that to my weekend. I Don't blame brother. I was gonna say also like Tuesdays like that was the night at the store

Wasn't it? Do I like all those three nights? I'd rather be out to but Tuesdays that play bocce Okay, so I went there two shows a week. I Would either do two on Wednesday if I went somewhere else and come back Thursday Or do a residency on Wednesdays and do a different residency twice a week on Thursdays twice a month on Thursday, so I would be responsible for six shows a month nice and Everybody's You always start off lower than like always

Always I'm not you gotta get into shape for all this shit. We think I'm gonna go on stage and do 45 minutes I wouldn't want nobody to see me because I got to work up to that and I know this and Yeah, I might want I might put me putting too much strain on this But I still I know when I'll be ready and that's it But for me to be really honest with myself, we don't know how many weekends I sit here and go fuck I should have done this I couldn't I I'll be ready and that's it But for me to be really honest with myself, we don't know how many weekends I sit here and go fuck I should have done this I couldn't I Couldn't I don't have to decide to I

Don't just have it anymore. But I don't want look tonight. I'm not doing anything. I Do this and then she's upstairs doing homework. I'll watch Monday night football. Maybe take a ride Not much so tuesdays Have bachi wednesdays. I love going to jujitsu wednesday night if I can because you kill two birds with one stone It's a core class and a no-ghee class And i'm out of there at quarter eight But I never go at night. I always tell myself i'm gonna go at night. I did go once at night last month and it was fun and Saturdays. I like to come on a jiu-jitsu because again

It's a core and an OGE class afterward And you get two classes in and you fucking sweat your ass off now. I have to do dick on Sunday But I'll still be so on Monday and now I have nothing to do on Monday. So My schedule my world is very complicated But you know, I'm not a fan of the world It'll be so on Monday and now I have nothing to do on Monday. So my schedule my world is very complicated But you know, yeah you but you like your life now, but you just want to figure out how you can add stand-up to it Yeah part-time Stand-up is not full-time in my world anymore Camping there's no for it. There's no there's no space for it

There's no room for it. I'm really sorry I'd rather rock your world Wednesday at 8 730 show somewhere Get you out of there by 9 with a few drinks in you a shrimp cocktail and everybody's fucking happy That's not bad at all I think people would want to have I don't ever want to have people out late even in the ice house on New Year's I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late

I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have people out late I don't want to have I don't ever want to have people out late even in the ice house on New Year's 7 o'clock show 830 you're out of there. I'm throwing out Go eat your wife's ass somewhere, but I have no desire to keep you in here

Till 12 bring it 10 9 8 what a motherfucking dick up. I don't want to be up for the countdown. I'll do a countdown. We get 830 Everybody will jump up and down. We'll blow those bottles. We'll get some Chinese people there with some fireworks But you're not gonna see me out that late doing two shows. I don't want to do two shows tonight Like I would be crazy if I signed up for a world tour right now and As I said, I'm not gonna do a show tonight I'm not gonna see me out that late doing two shows. I don't want to do two shows in the night like I would be crazy if I signed up for a world tour right now and Added two shows on Friday and Saturday. I'm never gonna be in shape for it. You got to work yourself up to that shit I'm not a young fucking savage anymore

Right But I got back then like ten years ago when you did the ice house on whenever it was I remember that was part Of like your sales pitch for the show always Get them you'll be home early Yeah, I'm not gonna pull a Dave Chappelle and keep it at four hours by trying to be interesting I'll do 45 we'll do 20 on the drums and ping-pong-poom. Everybody goes, it's over. I want to sit here and talk to my folks.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. Wednesday, Thursday, Uncle Joey night. Everything else is background music. I like to do a local, if there was a bar around here, like 10 minutes away, they did like an open mic on Sunday maybe. I might shoot down there. like an open mic on Sunday, maybe I Might shoot down there a little open mic on Sunday. They're not bad either get 30 people in that motherfucker diehards

They love that shit. I'm just hard now with football Yes, and no They'll be at the bar though They'll be at the bar though They'll be at the bar But you're not going to do it at 5 in between No, you're going to do it after football And the leg Football goes to like 10 now doesn't it?

There's an 820 game on Sunday But comedy could start at 730 Yeah I could do that Yeah, okay an hour in between the game That's not a bad idea Denver is the hardest place to do anything on a Sunday one of the best open mics I went on a Sunday was in Denver to follow a line dancing class. So fuck you you follow me Fuck you

I just don't want to be in a strange town on a Sunday doing comedy for 60 for 32 people I don't want to be there They just want free tickets and they think they're gonna see some magician and also this they come to my show I do a fucking pussy joke and they're staring at me like I fucking rock their world like I took that pigeon I don't need that shit. So I rather get in trouble here do comedy the Sunday night here. It's great Ten minutes away somewhere in Manila pan or something It's fucking great. I got I got some ideas Lee. I'll fill you in this week I'm excited dude. Congratulations. I'm just happy you're doing stand-up

Congratulations, I'm happy you're here. I'm very proud of you. It's really how things worked out from our first Conversations and I told you something's gonna happen and sure enough the door open then you only got one opportunity You shot it. So if you would Told me some story. I'm gonna tell you to go fuck yourself, but you followed through and because of that you're gonna be a star kid That's the number one thing. I hope so is Following through when you're a comic you got to have balls and For a long time I was sick of living in LA because comics had lost that ball and even young comics So, you know, when are you coming to you see him on the road?

They're fucking animals and when are you coming to LA a well, I got a I want to get married I want to put away money See you I'll see you on a ship That's the truth. You ever have those guys. I'm coming to LA I just got to put away money and I'm gonna get married for you. You'll never hear from that dude again Right when your headline. I know I hear a lot. I'll come to one of your shows. Hey, man. How you doing? Now I got married Mike can only do local work and you're like

Yeah, if you would just move to LA It happened it happened really quick it happened over in the span of like two months back what I'm happy about it that's what it happens. I Told you one day we're moving back to Jersey and six weeks later. We already had a house But I got that's what it happens when nobody expects it when We nobody had discussed I discussed going back to buy a house and moving in September Nobody said nothing about leaving there in the middle of fucking night like we did nobody But the opportunity arose and we took it

And we keep pushing straight. So that's the problem with people when they procrastinate. I'm gonna save money. I Want to get another 20 minutes? When you go somewhere that's here, yeah when you go somewhere you get inspired you'll get 20 minutes when you walk into your first comedy at the stand or Stand up New York or New York Comedy Club and you see these guys doing what you want to do You'll see how much you'll start fucking right? But it's crazy even like the way you look at things Because I can't believe I haven't I haven't thought about writing about the stairs yet

If you like and look at it like that Stand up comedy You don't lose You know why because if your mother dies It's good. If she doesn't die. It's still good Because you always material If you get a head start it's good and It's bad you follow him saying to you stand. Yeah, there's always something good

Stand up has no fucking limitations. That's what's good about it We just got to make sure that we capture that You ever go see a comic or a good comic and he tells you something Real simple that you see every day you never thought of Yeah, it's right. It's been two seconds ago. Yeah, everybody wants to write about shit They don't know about right about shit. You do know about Which is the trials and you know, like I told you I see stairs. I got anxiety Which is the trials and tribune? Oh, like I told you I see stairs. I got anxiety

Have a good week, I'll see you this week in the city buddy buddy. See you Wednesday night at the dojo Can't wait. Love you guys. Have a good week gentlemen. Stay black What's happening you savages it's Tuesday the 17th of September the check-in is brought to you by my favorite Liquid IV. How'd you like to actually stay hydrated for once? Liquid IV has got you covered with the liquid IV hydration multiplier plus energy. Tremendous. The stuff delivers 100 milligrams of caffeine plus three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink. So you can get these things done and still have energy to party afterwards. They even combine their popular peach flavor with blackberry to really kick things up a notch.

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