Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Joey Diaz was mad at Natalie Cuomo for a Year!

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

Find out what she did! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by comedian Natalie Cuomo to talk about their mental health problems (Lee diagnoses Joey), the best ways to mess with people  and so much more! SHOW NOTES If you're 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people. It's the church of what's happening now, New Testament, whatever the fuck it is. It's a whole new week. It's April the 7th. We got a tremendous beautiful guest, Natalie Cuomo, the Flying Jews here, Lee Syatt,

and we're in for another fun-filled episode of the church. What's up, beautiful people? How are you? I'm good. I'm just trying to keep it together. Yes. That's up with you. I'm doing great.

You look great. Happy to be here. I know. I just thought of you last night. I said, I got to get Natalie on. I saw you. Listen, let's get the story out. Okay.

I met Natalie when I moved here. And I loved it. I'm like, I loved this kid. I gave a weed. She lost the keys one night. That was crazy. She had a fucking drive back to Jersey City.

I had my keys on me the whole time. The scooter. Yeah. Wait. That's when you know the weed is good. When you're like, when you're like, we're smoking.

It was the shit. And his reputation didn't. proceed him. Like, dude, so that's like the lightest thing that's ever happened to somebody you've given weed to. Just losing your keys

is like, that's a good night. We were at Uncle Vinnie's. I live in Jersey City. Oh, no. And I was like, I can't find my keys.

But they were in my bag the whole time. I had to get a ride home. That's like when you're really high and you're like, where's my fucking phone? And you're like, I know I had it.

Oh, okay. One time George over there, one of the first times I went to Joey's house. We were there hanging out all night. George left. like 45 minutes later, he just was sneaking around in Joey's backyard,

knocking on windows because he left his phone or his keys. He just walked in, took his phone and left. I don't know why. You should have just left it there. So I haven't seen you, Natalie, and I kept following you. Like, I was really a fan. I wanted to see where you were going to go. Last time I saw you were taping the special.

Mm-hmm. And you released the special, I watched it. And then, you know, you got lost in the shuffle, but I kept following you and I kept watching your little gigs. And then I got to be honest with you. I was really fucking pissed at you. In fact, I was so pissed at you.

I almost drove to one of your gigs in Pennsylvania and just beat you up. Why? Because I'm amazing that you had no idea even like, you didn't even know about this. You were in trouble. Why?

Why are you pissed at me? I was mad at you for a year. Because, listen, man, my mom was an old school hooker. And she had a bar, okay? And women know. Women fucking know. Rule number one is if you're rocking and rolling,

you're a good-looking woman, don't you ever bring your fucking boyfriend in this bar? I will cut your fucking thing. You're right. No, no, no. It gets worse. I'll show you the levels. Because you know me.

He's just my niece, but I get jealous. So then you had the boyfriend. I'm like, that's cool. She'll dump them in a week. You know what I'm saying? Because Natalie's a heartbreaker. So she'll dump in a week. But then it started getting serious.

And they started taking pictures of them in Central Park and shit. I'm like, fuck. Then all of a sudden they're engaged. I'm engaged. I'm like, I almost fucking blocked you. I was so mad. And then she went on with the wedding. And I'm like, okay, she's married woman.

She'll calm down. It's good. New tour. Me and dance. You're taking that motherfucker on the road. Now you're done. I looked at a schedule and I'm like, P.A. Wilkesbury yourself.

I'm going to go beat the fuck out of once and for all because she's killing me. It was a mistake. No, it wasn't a mistake. It was never a mistake. Okay. I just think that you were love and you just put his pictures up, not knowing that when you do a show, I look at the pictures. It's fucking 80% men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. No. You have to be yourself. If you're a good looking guy and you start going, oh, I have a wife, those little chicks that go see Sebastian, those chubby Italian chicks, they're going to be, you know what I'm saying? They just, it's something. It's bad for marketing.

It's something like it's just, and I love love. I'm a firm believer in love and comedy. When you start to take it, I'm like, oh, boy, these guys now, see, when they pay $35 bucks in the back of their mind, as perverting as stupid as this out, I got the shot to sleep with Natalie. They're geese. They don't actually think that, but they want to be able to pretend. Right.

They're in their mom's basement, banging one out. You know, I'm going to get a tattoo. They really? Fuck yeah. You got a young audience. They're 25, 26. You see that guy who drove like 14 hours to do kill Tony to see Kim Kong? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you got. You got a kid in Iowa right now going, I'm going to get a tattoo and move to New York and marry Nall. He's paying 35 bucks to see Nally to hopefully I give her a flower. And the next time I'll go to a show at the stand and give her roses, you know. In the back of that mind, they're fucking goofy like that. And now I'm paying 35 bucks And I can get nut from that way

Not even a fantasy I ain't even getting the fantasy Because she's married So it's just And this goes for any other women Like you know there's an age Even if you just say I'm married But never show that motherfucker

Like book pictures of him With his face with a devil on him And shit like that People lose their mind Instead of saying It's like showing a guy a thigh And up to here And he goes nuts

Because he knows another inch So, but that was, I'm not mad at you no more. No, I got over. It's, when you're in love, you just, you go crazy and you put everything to the side. Yeah, no. And I knew you were like, I get to go with somebody on the road now. It's easier. But fuck, that's a pain he has too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they're a comic, oh, my God, that's got to be rough because there's always somebody in a comic that wants to come home at night and try their joke on you. And that shit don't work. They come home. Oh, my God, I killed. Let me do this joke on you. Anytime to like lose your identity a little bit.

You lose your identity, yeah. It has to be just you. Otherwise, like, it starts to morph into somebody else. And it's like, it has to be solely your voice, I feel. What made you get into stand? I always wanted you acting. And then I was really bad at it. That's honest.

And I found more autonomy in stand-up. And I could write my own stuff. I could create my own opportunities. And I just, like, got really hooked on it. Did you, where'd you get up on stage the first time? I went to do, oh, it's funny. I went to do a mic at New York Comedy Club. It was canceled.

So then I walked to Greenwich. It was canceled. And then I walked to Carmelounge. And then that one happened. And I went up. So it was like my third try that day. And I was like really determined that day to go do a mic. How old were you?

I was 22. What are you banking now? How long have you been doing comedy? Like nine years. Wow. Done really well for you. Thank you. Hey, you're on an independent quote.

You know, right now, comics, it's like an independent feature. Mm-hmm. You know, you're either going to go with Netflix or Hulu or not. You've got to make your own fucking opportunity. You're not going to, you know, you're not going to wait for Netflix to call you up. They'll call you when you start making a big wave, you know? Yeah. But, you know, when you sign with Netflix, like, they want to know your ticket numbers for the fucking year.

Do you mean an agency or you mean Netflix? When you, before Netflix decides whether you're going to get a special, they look at everything, guys. Your podcast numbers for the last two years to see if there's been growth. They look at your ticket sales to see if there's been growth because then they could grow with you. So that's what they look at everything, Netflix. And they go right in the computer. It's like they call your manager and he's like, oh, yeah, he did 82 million last year.

No, no, no, no. Not enough. We go in the fucking computer to look at numbers and all that. because it's all, what's that shit? Ticketron or something like it's that. No, what's that? Analytics? What is it?

Algorithms. Oh. No, but there's some sort of service that, like, tracks how you do ticket sales-wise, right? At the bigger clubs? I think so. Yeah, yeah. They get their official numbers, but they're lying.

You know, I love it. She goes, yeah, it's a tiny club. It's 150 seats. Go in there with a fucking manager. I guarantee it's 180 seats. Yeah. And then you're like, this is 180 seats. Oh, my God.

Oh, they're left-oh. We did a benefit, the blind kids. I know. And we left all the 30 chairs. 100%. The first time, and I tell people this, you can just get robbed. You just get blatantly robbed. Like, you know, you'll get the club where you get the bonus and you're three tickets

away. So you send somebody to buy the three tickets. You get your fucking 500. Yes. I know what you're saying. Doug, that's what you got to do. You got to hustle it. You get the bonus that night.

And even if you're like, like, two, some club owners ago, you did. really good list. They'll be like it's okay. It's okay. We'll give you the bonus. But there's some motherfuckers, they're like, listen, you have $4.99 and a half. That's not. It ain't happened in this time. When you're like, what the fuck? And they always get you with that number, like too short. Really? I ain't got time. But if I had time to get a clicker and count all these chairs, it would. I remember Gabriel Lacey kept doing a Wilber theater. Really? And they kept paying them after 10 years. He goes, Bill, do you pay me on the people who was standing there and the room shut down.

He was packing him in there to see Gabriel. We had 10 Mexicans in a corner like one of those ice trailers they put shit down in Mexico. In Texas, he had him like, watch it fucking Gabriel. He was selling boxes for Gabriel in the back and shit. Bill at every level. And he was paying him the same amount every time. Yeah. And he's like, I don't get a raise.

There's more, more people standing. Crazy. And I love Bill. I don't want Bill boom right to everything. I love Bill. And I'll do business with Bill DeMogg because he's cool as fuck. Right. But they forget that shit.

You know, they think that you don't know. And one day some people show up with you, they're like, man, why do you those people stand? That's why I don't like people standing at my show. Oh, yeah. Because they won't, if you're standing, you have the need to talk. It's really weird. Like, there's a couple clubs that, oh, we only got 250 seats. But you're looking at the back of the club while you're on stage.

And there's fucking 30 people standing. And you're like, I'm not getting a dime of this plus they're going. to be disruptive because then they're not sitting and they start moving what do you do after 45 minute you're not fucking sitting they're uncomfortable you're uncomfortable it's not going to that's why I don't go to concerts I got a stand at Asbury Park like a fucking moral the fuck out of you I don't like this song let me sit down and take one off you know what I'm saying yeah so that's what it just it's I I I love you and Lee I love what you're doing it's a fucking struggle I wish I didn't have to do it ever again.

Like, I don't ever want to, I mean, if you came to me and said, Joey, you got a chance of going to prison for 30 years of doing comedy. I'll fucking do comedy because the first 10 years are prison. It's a fucking prison the first 10 years. You know, the planes, the fucking, you don't understand where the money goes. It's not the plane ticket. It's the three Uber's. You got a tan.

I know. And the fucking daily airport, it's 65 bucks. And you're like, I just picked up 300 hours. It's exhausting. How can I? What about the bags? 50 bucks a pop Some airlines

I got a car car It was free now Yeah 60 now And then the C's cost Like when you're checking a bag Oh your bags This guy was telling me

They want $120 more For a window So yeah I love when they say Prices start at 344 Oh yeah Yeah You gotta sit in the back

With like You're fucking FBI guys Yeah By the bathroom It smell farts And that's the damn It's a fucking Nightbett of life

You gotta sign up for an airline Yeah that's what I did. Yeah. You do what? You said, like, I got a credit card with an airline, and that pays for the bags. I get upgraded a little bit. That's not a bad deal, but they're like $5,000.

They want, I did Delta, and it was like 700, but every bag is free. I get upgraded. They give you, they give me one free ticket a year, like one free companion ticket. So they give me Uber credit. So if you're doing it, if you're flying as much as we are dead. If you're flying, yeah, yeah, it's worth it. It's, uh, and I had something crazy happen this. weekend. It was the first time someone was heckling, like, the entire show. And the headliner

actually went up and, like, just be quiet. And the person was like, no, this is what we're supposed to do, right? Like, this is, this is, this, we're part of the show. And he's like, no, you're supposed to be quiet. And I've never, like, do you deal with that a lot? Because you, you put up some crowd work clip sometimes. Does that make people think they can talk to you during the set? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never experienced that before. And the guy, like, legit, it was, it was his birthday. He was, like, really upset that he wasn't supposed to. to talk during the show. He thought for sure that he was supposed to talk. They think that it's about them.

Like, they want it to be about them. Or that it's not rude. And it was very weird. And we've never experienced that before. You know, I was thinking about you, but you were coming on the podcast if you ever ran into this. Mm-hmm.

Guys run into this. I'm not saying anything good or anything. There's times you do a show. For some reason, it's a back to the way. Oh, yes. Okay? And there's six. But there's always that fucking insecure boyfriend

that has to come. The bachelor's party? Yeah, there's always something like that. There's always like a guy that doesn't trust her. She's my woman. I want to be there. And the guys are first like, yeah, that's cool. But at the end, they're like, guy,

he brought your fucking husband with you. And he's, but he's not there to see the show. He's dead, a bulldog, the comic, because you guys like him. Like a three of the women say, oh, he's hot. Matt Rife is hot. That motherfucker

go to the concert and just, you know, he's got to go change light bulbs on Monday. So he's looking at Matt Rive going, and then, but I had that with my special.

I almost had to kick a guy. Oh, that was right. Because the girl was dead that she liked comedy. Yes. And, you know,

the guy, I don't want to go see a comedy show. I'd rather get drunk. I want to go to see the Chicago Bears. And you can see that. You idiot, the Bears aren't even playing. It's nighttime.

You know what I'm saying? But, Do you ever have like women get upset at you? That's what I was thinking. I have the reverse where women are just like, or you talk to their, you do crowd work and they're just like, why are you talking to my man?

It's like, I don't want to fuck him. I'm like, I don't want him. You can have him. I don't know if you do this. I, and it's a little bit different because like,

I'm a guy with girls. But like when you're taking pictures after, do you put your arm around a guy? Like anytime a girl takes a picture with me, if you notice, my hands are always either in the front or behind my back. I don't want anybody to think anything.

So like if guys come up with a girl, do you like, do you put your arm around them? Does it ever come up or no? No, I don't, I don't, sometimes if it's like natural, but I don't. A lot of times people will be like, is it okay if I put my arm around you? And I'm like, yeah, that's okay. Yeah.

What about on Fridays? They go right from work, digging trenches all day. Yes. They come right to your show and by 8 o'clock they're ripe. And by 9.30, they're fucking booting. Like, what do you mean? What about on Friday? Yeah, it's Fridays.

Because they didn't even go home and take a shop. They just, No, to me it's Friday late. Friday late, they come in there creepy. Yeah. Then as they sliver around you, you can feel the bacteria. Come on, you can just feel it. Right around your waist.

Oh, around here, when they hug you and you get the dents of that armpit. Like, that's why I won't take pictures before shows. Because it's bad luck, because one time I got a shot of armpit. And I had to go on stage the whole time, like, away from my neck. It's like I had a partner, like a, what do you? What are you doing? You have two heads? You know those two idiots?

The eventual was. And then I didn't want to hug nobody or take another picture because people were going to say, Joey was fucking ripe tonight. So my night was shot. Some people bring shirts like to change between. Yeah. No, no. If you do helium,

you ever do helium? You need like eight shirts. I love that. Every time you go to Philly helium, the air's off. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. The air's not working. The air hasn't worked since I got here.

Fucking July. You got to change shirts in the middle of your show. There's 275 people in there. It's 90 degrees, 90% humidity. And the guy is still walking around and going, I don't know, there's something wrong with an air conditioning. Look, the air conditioning is fucked up since Jesus does the show here. I love that room.

That room's awesome. When you're going to roll. In that room. Anything in Philly, when you're on a roll. Yeah. And now, whatever you say, I killed a woman last night. Ah! I raped eight times.

Ah! Philly, they take the ride. I hope you stabbed her in the neck. Yeah. They don't give a fucking Philly. You even catch yourself saying things going, Jesus Christ, what just came out of my mouth? And they took the ride.

So that's why I like about Philadelphia. It's a great, like if you're Buckwild, they take the ride with you. Philly, there's a couple towns like that, Houston. Hmm. If you say President Bush in Houston, the place fucking blows up.

You go up there. I learned something about Houston. Like at the old last stop, you could talk about anything you wanted. But as soon as you said, Bush, the place blew up. If you went in there and talked bad about Bush, you ate a bag of dicks.

But if you went to Austin and brought up Bush, you're a standing ovation. They hate them. So in Texas, you've got to be careful where the fuck you're at. But some of those old town, Yeah, you could say. Like, I love Texas for developing.

Detroit, there's something about Detroit because there's so many weird people. It is weird. In Detroit, there's pockets of weirdness. It is. Like I was telling you about Ishpamin. Ishpamian is a town by Notre Dame. That it's like a fucking, it's like Las Vegas.

Nobody even heard about it. It's right by Notre Dame. It's Indiana border. Indiana, Michigan border. Fuck, it's a party. But I bombed at that club, man. Notre Dame, funny bone years ago. Woo.

Real Catholic? Real Catholic area. Rednecky. Oh, okay. I went up there talking about Coke and stabbing people. They just looked to be like, what is this kid talking about? If you bombed, would you feel like anything afterward? Would you be like, oh, that sucks?

Or you're just like, eh? It depends. Depends. The amount of bombs that weekend. You ever, like, have four bombs in a row, and you're like. Just like, I need a win. show, I'm done. I'm going to the magazine place. I'm going to have my job back. This is fucking brutal. When did you stop having a day job? Or do you still have a day job? I stopped in

2019. What were you doing? Wow. I was working at a coffee shop. Yeah. But now you make money on Twitch. You're like a fucking millie-day. I stream on Twitch. Yeah, I play video games. What kind of video games do you play? I play different types. I play kind of like cute video games and some scary games. No, no grand theft auto or something. No, I'm really bad at the driving. Me too. Yeah.

You are? Really? I just run over people at will. Same. I can't control that thing. I'm good with the shooting and the punching and the robbing. It's two different things at once. It's two fucking things.

It's so, it's so sensitive. And it's like. Right. It's sensitive. You got to learn how to do the fucking so it could stay still because I'm not. You're just going like this, hitting things. Bam.

Exactly. I can't. Bam, bam. I'm just getting motherfuckers. I really want to get good at it before November when the new one comes out, but I just can't. Yeah. Good for you, Natalie. Thank you.

You're a fucking gangster in sure. And now you got a fucking tour of Europe. Yeah. Now, when you go over there as a single woman, are you scared? No, I'm stoked. I'm really excited to go there. I'm like, this is going to be an adventure. I'm excited.

Good. And you want those fucking hippie-chick. you're into all that shit. You go over there, some guy fucking grabs you and puts you in an alley and gives you a stabbing. You got a new joke that night. You know what I'm saying?

If I survive. If I survive. Don't give a fuck. Don't give them any ideas. No, dog. I watch the material. I'm like, Natalie, Jesus. What the fuck are you talking about for Christ?

No wonder you're driving these 22-year-old kids with pimples crazy and shit. They come to your shoulder. Oh, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. Dog, she said some shit that I got to go, what the fuck, Natalie. That's fair. Sometimes I'm like,

people must think out of my fucking mind, which I am, to be fair. No, listen, that makes the comic. Yeah. People, listen,

a comedian that went to Yale is not going to be fucking funny. Right. Give me the guy that takes all off through his dick hole and fucking stabbed his wife eight times. I see that.

Yeah. That's the people are going to be good comics because we're not stable. Mm-hmm. We weren't produced to be in society. Natalie, how long will it take you to fucking, some guy tells you to fucking pick up that garbage camp before he tell them to go fuck you.

So how long? There's some people that are born to that. And there's some people that, and they never find what they are and they become retards. At least people like you and I became comedians. We got mental issues, but we became comedians. So it's right up our fucking howie. You feel like you have mental issues? Oh, fuck yeah.

No, but like I feel like you're able to use it so well. You learn how to deal with it. You learn how to cover it up and shit like that. What would your mental issue be? What would your mental issue be? I got a lot of them. I got a lot of them. Really?

No, I'm not OCD and know that shit, but I'm like, I don't even know what OCD is. I know you always talk about it. And I'm like, I don't even fucking know what she's talking about. OCD. I don't know what the fuck you say. This is mostly a joke. But you have some autistic tendencies. Like you don't like change.

you like things a very specific way you don't like a lot of people around you Changes in quarters and nickels No like like if something changes Like like like like if someone tells you Something's gonna happen one way But it happens the other way

Or if someone like you just said with Natalie You got mad at Natalie for a year Because she got a boyfriend That's so valid though Oh well yeah No I get like that Yeah I didn't talk to a woman Because she made mashed potato

that was so bad on Thanksgiving. She made a fucking Truduncan. I love this woman. I'm all my heart. I still talked to it today, but for a fucking year, I did not say a fucking word to her. And one day,

she coached like, what's going on with us? We were always good friends. I go, you fucked up the turkey and the fucking mashed potato. Who fucking fucks up mashed potatoes? I just hung up on it.

And like a week later, because a mashed potatoes were so bad that people would make it go to a liquor store so they could redo her cooking. Really? She had Thanksgiving when you had 9 o'clock. Uh-huh. Nine.

I had to wait till 9. Oh. And then I get there and it's not a turkey. It's a trundkin. It's a turkey stuck with duck. Right there, you lost me. Yeah. All right.

So I'll fucking eat the, I'll eat the fucking stuffing. And I'll eat the mashed potatoes and dibble on some cranberry sauce. No, no, no, no, no. The hits didn't stop that. Everything was fucking, the, the, the stuffing was made out of a fucking cardboard. with olives and shit in it. I never saw anything like that.

These are white people in California. They don't know nothing about Thanksgiving. The vegetables were god awful. Everything. I just got up. I cried. Like, what fuck's up? Let me tell you how good my wife is.

We got home at like 10.30. I went to bed. I was so depressed. He walked me up at three with a turkey, mashed potatoes, and stove stuff stuffing. The same way to have stuffing in prison. That's the stuffing I want.

I don't want fucking these people with them. I made this news. stuff and go shove it up your ass. I don't want none of that shit. You're right. Put some salt and pepper. I get pissed at things like that. I don't know if they're autistic things.

Like he knows, there was a guy by my house in the studio said, put two cones in front of his driveway. For some reason, it didn't rub me the right way, like, because it was a school. And across the house, across the street was the house. And he put two cones on there so a mom can't make a fucking you turn. I would drive by and go, what type of scumbag is this? And then I knocked on his door for. for Halloween one day.

He didn't want to give my daughter candy. He's like, you got to answer these history questions. Wait. Oh, yeah, the guy was a fucking nerd, him and his fucking wife. History questions for candy? Yeah, he was like a history teacher some shit. My daughter was like, fuck it. She just walked away.

And I go, you didn't give that little girl coffee? Coffee? Because she didn't know who fucking Hitler was or some shit like that. The fuck is wrong with you. So every night I would drive home. And on the way home, I'd go out of my way to run over his. fucking cones. Every day he come out of there and look at his cones and go, God damn it.

Who do you? That doesn't seem mentally ill to me. There's something wrong there. You know, there's something fucking not right about somebody who just takes it upon him. I'm like a vigilante of things that nobody cares about. Like, I stick up for this little guy. When the guy parked on your street.

Yeah. You throw a trash in his car. People parked in front of your house with a nice car to go to Burbank. airport and then they leave that car from the house for three weeks. That's fucked. I got to scratch your car. I got to blow up your tires. I got to do whatever I can to you.

That's all New Jersey way. You get the hint. Because I can tell you to your face. Natalie, we live here. And you'll go, okay, fine, but it's a free country. Okay. Okay. Wait till you come out and all fours are fucking flat.

And you're out there. Like, I only have one tire. Yeah, it's a free country. Now you'll see how fucking free life really is. Did you really do that? Did you do that? Fuck yeah. How dare you park your fucking car in front of my house for three weeks?

That's a long time. With a nice car to save $2 to save $5 to fuck out of them. People would park fucking seven series BMWs. On my block, they're not fucking to take the shuttle downtown. Instead of, you got a seven car. You work hard for it. Put in a nice parking. Okay, you don't want to put a part.

You trust life. I walk right with a fucking key. And I said, wait there with my cat, pet them like an evil. and I see them get out of the card and then looking at the scratch and like fuck and I'm sitting like ah I'm just petting a little cat

sounds like maybe you need some cones you need some cones yeah you need your own cones fuck that shit yeah I'm out of my mind like that but people don't understand that it makes you a better comment yeah you don't want to remember

who the fuck you are on stage because you're just a lunatic Right. That's why I hate when people go, well, what is your act like? Oh, I know. Well, fuck yourself. I hate that. What do you think I take a cape off and go on stage?

Who does that? I love to see. What you've seen on stage is me. Yeah. I talk about some stuff. The other stuff I don't like talking about, but this is me. I don't have no act. There's no fucking act.

Mm-hmm. What do you think? I agree. Yeah. What's your mental issues? Oh, God. I just, I think I'm like a little paranoid. Oh yeah?

Yeah. About what? I'm paranoid and anxious about everything. Really? Oh yeah. Like, what are you paranoid about? Everything. Like, I'm, I'm superstitious too.

Like, I only wear blue underwear on stage. If I, if I don't wear blue underwear, I'm going to have a bad set. Really? Yep. I get nervous about that. I get nervous about, oh, yeah. I have a lot of weird shit. Like, I, like, whenever I take mushrooms, I think everyone's mad at me.

Well, that's, you're taking mushrooms. I guess. I think everyone, oh. All the time. He's fucking Jewish. Okay. I'm half. I'm half.

Okay. So you, that's half your fucking problem right. See, when you're Jewish like myself, I have some Jew in me. You do? You're in your fucking head.

You have Jew and you? Yeah, Cuban fucking Jew. The old school Jews, not these fucking little fag Jews driving BMWs and make them believe they're popular. I'm old school. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. If I can dent the BMW, I'll dent it. They fucked with my people. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. So I think like we made a good observation a couple weeks ago, 10 years. I've been watching this knucklehead try to gamble.

He's fucking horrible. He's horrible. But three weeks ago, he wins $9,000 one day. Why did he win the $9,000? Why? Why? Asked why. Because I gave him an edible and he forgot he was a Jew.

So he didn't care about losing. But all the other times, he loses $200. That's it. I'm done. I'm done for the money. He's got $2.000. under his mattress. Why you're stuck for the fucking night. But his Jew

comes out. Everybody has that. Your own little things come out. I'm so anxious all the time. Yeah, you're anxious. So he takes an edible. He's over there fucking Johnny Gumbach, tipping the chick. Once he tipped the fucking lady, I knew the Jew was gone. He gave it like a $25 chip. A five. You got

to tip the dealer. Yeah, and that's the thing. You have to, I don't believe in drinking before you go on stage, because I'm not a boozer, but I do like smoking a joint. Just takes the You know, I don't smoke weed because it gets me high guys. I smoke weed because it's a little last piece of me. It's a little less?

It's the last piece of me. What do you mean? That when I was like 13, I was smoking pot. That's the last thing I brought from that world. I'm not a thief no more. I don't do coke no more. I don't have STDs no more, you know. Things change.

No, I didn't have had an STD. I think I did, but I didn't take care of it. It went away by himself. You know, when you hang out with college girls, things happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, like you just know, but I know sometimes that my mental issue helps him when I'm on stage. Because I just don't really give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

Like, this is what we do. And if I didn't have that little mental sickness, I wouldn't. Like today, I came up here and I cut everybody off. Like, the 46 exit, like, I just cut somebody off there. Like, I don't even stand in that line with the rest of those idiots. It's like, I'm on a different level. I got to cut around. I got to get to the studio.

Yeah. You don't have driven unless you've, my favorite is he just beeps at people. Really? He beeps at people walking by and they don't know how to handle screaming at them. My daughter, my daughter doesn't know how to handle it. That's so funny.

I'll see little faggots walking from Wawa to like the park. And I'll be with her in the car. Oh yeah, I got a whistle. I got like a whistle. So sometimes I hit him with the whistle or sometimes I just beep. And my daughter will go, dad, I go to school with them. Oh, my God. Hold on.

Talk to you about this whistle. Oh. My wife was a basketball coach. I stole a whistle. So I bring it to different places to fuck with people. So I went to my friends Eddie Bart's restaurant. What's the name of any Bartz restaurant? In whatever.

Forte, great dude. And I brought the whistle. So the whole night he sat with me. and I'm hitting him with the whistle. And every time I ball the whistle, he's looking around the restaurant, right? He's getting up. Finally, I didn't say nothing.

I hit him with the whistle 20, 25 times that night. And every time he would settle, I hit him with the whistle, and he'd get up and look around. And the next day, he told me, he goes, I thought it was the fire department. Oh, my God. He didn't know.

Did he even ask you about it? Was he like, do you hear that? No, I came on the podcast and talked about rocking the whistle. Oh, my God. So now I think the whistle like nice restaurants and shit. And you're in there sitting and he's a beep, and just do

people lose their mind. Wow. I'm a fucking kid. This is part of the stoner. Yeah. I'm still a 10-year-old fucking child. We all are. So I get off on things like that

that don't involve anybody else. They're just for me. Yeah. Who do you steal like one shoe from? That makes me like every time. We're going on the show one year and I took my friend's one shoe. If you want to burglarize somebody

and fuck with somebody, just take one shoe. Go in their house and take one of their shoes of their favorite shoes and just come over there like a week later. How are you doing? I can't find my shoe. They lose their fuck.

Yesterday I went to an Easter thing. Little Joey gets up, gets a plate of pasta, a sausage and a meatball. He puts it down. His father goes, Joey, get me a soda. He turns around.

I took my meatball, put on his plate, he took his sausage, right? And I see his little 10-year-old kid sit down. He goes, Hey, but he didn't say nothing. He didn't say, just, hey. And he looked around and he was like scratching.

And meanwhile, I'm watching them. I'm fucking howling. Because he thought he got a piece of sorches, which he really did. I just wanted to fuck with him. And then he just. So I called his mother today. That's what I did to Joey yesterday. She's like, I love it.

Yeah, I like torture and people, but it's my own torture. I don't want you. Like, I would torture. I don't know. Me. No, no, no, no. Like I would have to torture somebody. If you're that gullible, I got to run with it.

Like, I could say something to you one time now. Yeah. Whatever, Joey. But you'll go, really? And I go, oh, that's it. I got it. Yes, I'm gullible. And I'll just say things to you.

Did you hear the Martians last night? What Martians, Joey? They were in Jersey City. And now it's just you and me about Martian. You won't tell nobody because, but me and you were like, I see that Russian last night. I just say shit to you. He used to call me and tell me if the cops come,

answer the door. And I'm going to be fucking. What would you say? I would call him every hour on the aisle and go, if the cops come, don't answer the door and I just hang up the phone. You got to have a good time. Yeah, you got to make your own fun.

You wonder why I'm so anxious. Were you always anxious? Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm way more, I'm less anxious now than I used to be. Do you talk about on stage? Not a ton of being anxious. Yeah.

Not yet. That's a good idea, though. I should talk about... I don't know. Do you ever talk about being Jewish? About being Jewish? Wait. I said being anxious.

I know, but it's the same thing. Because sometimes I'll bring up being Jewish in some places they don't like it. I have one joke about being Jewish, but that's it. Really? That's it? And have people ever been weird with you? Not really. Okay.

Yeah. Just like a one-liner. Okay, yeah. Because some people will bring me up... He gave me the nickname the Flying... Jew. And some places they'll bring me up and they'll like it. That's weird for the first five or 10 minutes. As the flying Jew. Just as a Jew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right now it's pretty polarizing. I guess. Yeah. It's what how do you how have you found New York? Because you're, are you still young? I feel like you're

younger than I am. I'm 31. I'm 31. I'm fucking younger than you. You all six years. How old are you? I'm 37. Oh. So it's like I don't I feel I've had I've only been in New York for like a year and a half. Oh really? Yeah. And I feel like. I feel like the younger crowds don't really like me that much. They like me a little bit, but I feel like the younger crowds are a little weird. I feel like I do better with older people, like 30 and up. Why do you think? I think I'd scare them.

I don't know. Like the young 20-year-old kids don't really like, don't. I'm scared of them. You're scared of the younger kids? I don't know. Why? Why do you? Because it's a younger crowd.

I don't want to be up there justifying my existence in front of a younger crowd. If they're going to go, well, that's, and I get it. Some of the material isn't what they were raised on. We come from a different, so, listen, if I go up there, I'll do just fine. I think you would do great there. But in the back, like when I was 30, and I peaked out that curtain, and I saw a lot of people with white hair, my shit would come out of my ass. Like, what am I going to tell these people? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all you're doing is shortchanging yourself. Right. That's why I don't look at the audience. Right. shit about come see the, do you want to see the theater? I don't see nothing. Yes. A theater is a fucking theater.

Right, right. You think I want to go down there and do a sound check and now my mind runs more. I've never done any of that shit. I feel like young people love you. No, but it's, it's give a take. When you walk into the city, I'm going up against 30% of people that are 200-seat room. They'll go Uncle Joey, but the other people are just sitting there. I hit them with an outlandish joke.

Those girls, they're not, you know, they're not, it's fucking weird sometimes where you get away with. Me, I don't give the fuck. Like, understand where I'm coming from, but the club, you guys, you know, I don't want you guys to feel bad. Joey came here and he had a bag of dicks in front of, like, I know. I can't even see that happening. I couldn't even think of going to the comedy cellar. Why? Because they get all those mixes.

Really? Yeah, it's too many mixes. And listen, again. I'd probably do just fine. We were at the Roast of New Jersey. I was laughing so hard. Someone told me they were laughing at how I was laughing at you. Oh, we had a good time.

We had a fucking good time. But I'll tell you what, I felt shitty. Why? I saw you. Once I saw you and you were like with your assistant, your friend. And then you and I sat together, I'm like, ooh, she took the pressure off me. Because at least I knew Natalie well. Like I would have sat with Rich or Bonnie or the black kid.

Donnell. But I sat next to you. They sat us together. And the guy goes, I'm sitting. You would now at any problem. I'm going, no. Thank fucking God. You know, because now we'll share anxiety together.

Yes. Now we'll sit next to each other. And I told you that. I have anxiety too. So just relax and we'll be fine. I had this joke where I say like the most jersey thing. I was like, the most jersey thing about me is that I'm divorced. Actually, the most jersey thing would be.

if my husband punched me in the face and fuck my sister and he divorced me, right? But apparently the whole crowd took it as if I said he punched me in the face. And they locked up after that. Well, apparently they were like, oh, my ex messaged me and he goes, why did you tell people that I punched you in the face? I go, I never said that. You didn't punch me in the face and I never said that. And it's a joke.

You meant that as a Jersey girl. I get it. I meant it as like it would be as if theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing to theoretically have happened. You know what I'm saying, right? Right. No, I understand. Exactly. Like this didn't happen, but theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing to have happened.

Did you grow up in Jersey? I grew up in Queens. Okay. What did you move to, when did you make your big escape from Jersey City? 2019. What made you make the move? My mom randomly moved to Jersey. And I lived in L.A. for like eight months and around that time because I was like with a guy.

We broke up and then I moved in with my mom. What the fuck were you in L.A.? I never saw you in L.A. I saw you in L.A. You did? Yeah. Where? Just from afar. No, but where?

What club? Comedy store. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know you that. No. No, we didn't know each other. That's crazy.

You were in L.A. Mm-hmm. But you were little. You were young. It was like a year or two in. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get intimidated at all?

For sure. For sure. Yeah. How do you feel now when you go out there? I feel fine. I feel good. I feel like I know people. There's so much crossover between the scenes that like I see friends and stuff.

And I like it there a lot. You know, man, listen, here's how I feel. Like I said, my mother was the lead hooker. They ate other Cuban hookers that used to hang out together. I'm just saying they weren't hookers. But you know what I mean, George. The Spanish woman. They're hot.

They dress hot. So I was raised around a lot of women. Like I learned early on. Like one of my favorite things is to go to a beauty problem. You got a haircut just to see the broad stock. I'm not there to hit on them or nothing to that. Just to hear the quack to see chicks with their eyes up and aluminum fall on there looking like a TV and shit.

You know? And then there's enough. Like when I was young, I would watch women get ready. Like those women would come to my mother's house to get ready. We live on 88th Street. Yeah. So they would go to a club called the Cheetah. Like Wednesday night.

Young hookers, you know. Moms that are hookers. Yeah. Moms were brand new pussies. That's a new club. Moms were brand new pussies after the birth. And they go out in New York City and they cause havoc and they come home and tell your stories and shit.

Mm-hmm. So I've always felt comfortable, like really comfortable around women. And then I started doing comedy. comedy, and that's a complete different situation. And then it's so weird when I had, like, let me tell you what happened to me recently. Like, I went on the road. You know, my daughter was born in 2013. I went on the road.

Do you know after the pandemic, I have more women coming to my shows now ever before? Really? Yeah. Why? Why? You know, okay, maybe you get your Elvis qualities back being a kid. No. It's because I got a daughter now.

That's the only thing I could put it on. I mean, it's swung. Like, not like, it went from, like, 95 to 5% women, even a little higher because they come, a lot of women bring their boyfriends on dates. Like, the guys will say to me, my girlfriend bought me tickets. Yeah. That's why I always have a woman opening for me. Because I don't want the women to come there and hear three guys talking about big dick energy.

It's not going to work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The woman gets nothing out of that. It's like, it's like somebody going down on you. you don't return the favor. You know what I'm saying? It's like that. Like you're like, what the fuck?

So that's why I always do that to please everybody. But I noticed that as I got older and I had mercy, now I'm getting two girls instead of a date. And they're like in their 25s or 26es. That's awesome. And that, no, it's not awesome. But you think about what made, because this is the changes that you learn in comedy. Okay. Like you're going to go, oh, my God.

When I first got on stage, like I said tonight, I hate performing. in front of young audiences, but that's just something in my head. Once I get there and touch the mic and walk up, you become a fucking animal and you learn how to navigate yourself through that. But it's so weird that even after 35 years, I still have those doubts. So if you get them, don't feel bad. Right.

You know, if you look in a room and it's 80 guys looking like me, you're going to go, what the fuck do I say? These guys don't even get hard on. They're not even going to get my material. You know what I'm saying? I got to talk about Viagra. I got to find everything I know about Viagra and blue shoot. So it's the same thing.

Again, with you, what happens if you open a door, and it's 60 women out of 70, and you're looking the best you've ever looked? They're going to hate you just for that, Natalie. Exactly. They're going to hate you just for that. And that's the things that a lot of people don't realize. Like, I see a woman with nice breast, that's great.

Well, you're a comic. You better fucking hide those guns. It's not that type of party because what's going to happen? I'm going to bring my wife. You're going to go up on stage. I'm going to be happy. It's Natalie Cuomo. She's going to go, that slut.

You don't even fucking know Natalie Cuomo, but because you have two shotguns coming out. Yeah. It's the truth. I do feel like I get a lot of negativity and it's difficult. It's very difficult. And you don't know why for right now. Don't pay attention to it.

Just keep doing what you do. And eventually you'll learn. Oh, I say that. that women get pissed off and this. You know, if I go out and stick my hat out and I see an old woman in the audience, I start shitting my brains a little bit. Really?

Yeah, because you're going to look at me, go, look at you, talking like you're fucking 18th. You're a grown fucking man. Go get a couch and a blanket. And hang it up already. Go get a couch on a blanket. But I feel like it comes from guys, too, negativity. Absolutely.

Because I don't like when guys say there's no, funny women. Yes. As the biggest hypocritical, as hypocritical as I am about, like my girls and shit, like another thing, Natalie. I love you so much. If somebody came to complain to me about you, I go, it's Natalie.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm hypocritical with certain people. Somebody comes up to me and goes, he called me a cunt. Slee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If somebody else comes up to me, oh, George called me a cut,

that fucking, fucking lunatic. Have you, because you've dealt with like some anger online. How did it take you like a while to learn how to deal with that? What was that like? Yeah, yeah, I definitely took an adjustment period to learn how to deal with it and to kind of desensitize myself to it. Do you block people or do you just not give them the satisfaction? No, no, no, you can't give them the satisfaction of blocking them. Yeah.

Unless it's like they're scary, you know, unless they're like so insistent. Well, like what would be in, like I, one guy, one guy told me he wanted to blow my brains into the Hudson. That would be scary. Yeah. Then I would block them. Yeah. That was fun. But like that, you just like let it go now. It doesn't, you try not to read stuff. Yeah, exactly. It's after a while it doesn't feel like anything, which is kind of sad. Did it kind of help? Does it kind of help you? Because if people are that upset, at least they're like, they're watching your stuff and commenting angry stuff and it goes more up on Instagram. You kind of like it now? Sometimes you get to a point where you're like, oh, this doesn't have any angry comments. It's not hitting the algorithm.

Right. Yeah. It's crazy that I don't, when I first started this podcast thing, about six years, I used to get upset. I'd argue with people on Twitter. You know, and then one day I looked at it, and I go, it's like when somebody heckles you. It's like when somebody says,

after the show, I'm going to blow your brains out. Right. What was that person thinking of the mold before he walked into that comedy club? Yeah. You know, you have to look at him and go, do I take my criticism from that loser tonight? You're going to go home and say,

most people do, I was having a good set, but there was a heckler there. You're having a great set. There's a guy that's just, you know if you attack him, now you're going to lose the audience. Exactly. If I call you a fucking idiot and a retard,

I'm going to lose the audience. Yeah. So I got to learn how to do it in a way that I turn the audience on him without turning. I'm not going to say, hey, tell this guy he's a loser. And no, just go, hey, man, you're sitting next to a pretty girl. You're fucking embarrassing the shit out of it.

And they just look at you. Like, what the fuck, you know? But to talk to you guys, because I had it out with my nephew, Lee, and my brother, George. You cannot look at those comments. And all you guys will go, but you'll leave here tomorrow and look at YouTube and look at the fucking comment. Not I. Not you either? No, I might.

No, I'm kidding. No, because you're taking criticism from people that don't know what you did to get to where you are. Exactly. So why am I letting you, you could talk all the shit you want. You could talk all the knots. And listen, it took me years to come to that.

We're a comic. We're comics, right? We're fucking artists. We're entertainers. We're actors. People are going to hate you. If you don't like it, don't go on the Instagram. Yeah.

If you don't like posting this shit, and people are going to go, and guess what? No matter what you post, there's going to be people that hate it. Look at her shoes. What the fuck do my shoes have to do with stand up? Yeah. And that's when you start realizing that these people come from a different place.

Yeah. They're coming from the same place. When I go to a comedy show and I see a woman, even if I don't know, I applaud for her. I applaud for her. I wanted to do well because if you want somebody to do well, that's only going to help you. That's really going to help you learn to deal with. If you go up and go look at her, She's got skinny legs, you got the last.

I don't know what. You lost. You fucking lost. If you go on Twitter at 8 in the morning, I see tons of people already arguing on Twitter. I don't get on there until like 10. I see people, you know, once Mercy goes to school, all bets are off.

I go to the gym, so I'll look at the Twitter or the Instagram or the Facebook. I don't have Facebook or Twitter on my phone. I only have IG because that's what people... Yeah, yeah. All that other shit. You know, and it's hard. to fucking digest this.

It's like, they don't know about your pain. They have no idea about you getting stuck. In Syracuse. Jesus Price. You know,

they have no idea. They don't know what it is to go to a comedy club when they told you 11 o'clock, but Louis K walks in and he goes to one. And now you've got to go up at one. They don't know all that shit. Why are you listening to?

If I have a complaint to you, I'm not going to write up. I'll pull you out. Emily, Natalie, I didn't like that joke. That joke is weird. Let's do it this way. Yeah. But I'm not going to come up to you and fucking, that joke sucks.

Who the fuck are you? Yeah. Oh, man. Who the fuck of you? We're in the stand here. You're fucking Moses. You know what I'm saying? And that's what I don't read none of that shit.

Because nobody should have the power to take you out off your dream. Yeah. And that's douche. That's what people do. doing. They had a dream. They didn't have the fucking balls to even show the fuck up. When people write that shit about you, they didn't even have the balls to show up. Look her, she went to an open mic. It was canceled. The other buddy else would have gone home. I would have. It took me a year to get on stage, bitch. A year, I would get the open mic.

I'm sick tonight. I'm hang up the phone. A year. So she went to two open mics. They were closed. She could have gone home. Could have called the guy. Got the dinner. She went for that third open mic. And that's what these people don't know, but they try to take that away from you. They do, yeah. Fuck, I see your battles.

I saw the tape when you went fucking off on the sky. I loved it. I love all that shit. I'm crazy. I love all that. Because that's what happens when I huckle you. There's people who go to a show specifically to fuck with your world.

Exactly. We lose when we let them fuck with our world. Yeah. As soon as we go, fuck you. You're a stupid heckler. You live in your mother's basement. We lost. Yes.

That's it. You became another $3. Yeah. That's what you are. There's a $10 comic. You're a $3 comic. It's a $1,000 comic. Which one do you want to be?

Yeah. You can't do it from the beginning, but you learn. Mm-hmm. You learn. We're going to take a break now. So Natalie can pee. Lee could eat a fucking pickle. We'll be right back.

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Now I want to thank In the Cloud for sponsoring us on 420. Enjoy. Deep. We're back, bitches. Anyway. So what is Natalie? All right, so I didn't know this shit about stand up and actress. Yeah.

You still want to be an actress? Because we talked about you modeling. Yeah. Like, why don't the fuck they sign you for anything? Why don't they do anything? I don't know. I feel like everything I've done myself. No, you have to do it yourself.

Three-quarters, then they'll close it and be the hero. What? Then they'll close it and be the hero. Yeah. Oh, we worked hard on this bitch. Exactly. I've been exchanging emails with this motherfucker for six months. Exactly.

I came in to give me, you know, to close it. Exactly. We did a good job. You didn't do nothing. Yeah, yeah. I'm giving you 10% for protection, but you didn't do shit. 100%. Yeah, that's it.

It's after work you do. And that's when you really realize that, listen, you have an agent and you have a manager, you're paying out 25% a week, 20% a week. Yeah. And you've got to ask yourself, what are we doing here? Is it worth it? Is it? No, because sometimes you've got a manager who thinks he's cute.

Hi, Natalie. I have an audition for you. You're like, oh, great. What is it for? Batman? Oh, great. And all of a sudden, your agent calls and goes, did you get that audition? and you're like, yeah, what are you talking about?

Yeah, I got it for you. I just called your manager and tell him. Now, is this motherfucker an answering service for 10 points a month? Because I want my manager to run a different scam than the agent. A hundred percent. Let the agent do movies and television and bookings. Let this motherfucker go into the nitty grid. Listen, HBO, we're going to do a stand-up special.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thursday, the guy's going to be there. I'm going to get you a spot there, go in and kill those type of moves. Not the moves that. But I was talking to your agent. I think that's a brilliant. I think it's interesting that we're trained to, in the beginning of our careers, we're trained to think that we need to impress the industry when it's the other way around.

Yes. They need to impress us. They need to be showing us that they're valuable. But we're told, like, there's agents and managers here. You have to do your best. It's like, no, no. Like, why are we, like, manipulated into thinking that there's a shift in the power dynamic? Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. That's what I'm most looking forward to. is been, I'm not going to tell them to fuck off, but like people who don't answer my emails now or like people who like I'm basically with everything but sucking their dick, I can't wait for there to be able to get a little bit of a power switch. That's like all I'm so looking forward to it.

But there can be that switch right now. You just have to know your value. Like you are the talent. They don't have a job without you. Right. I don't have any representation yet. So, but it's more like the clubs and the bookers and and I get it.

I get where they're coming from because I don't, sell like a ton of tickets right now. But I'm looking forward to because I think I'm funnier than they give me credit for. But the fact that I don't sell out rooms or whatever, they can, they can pull their little power moves with me. And I have, I feel like I kind of have to let them now. Maybe I don't. I don't know.

But when I can finally do what Joey, say like, when you're like, oh, no, you know what? No free tickets or none of like, all like, just like weird stuff. Like that you can ask for it. Like, I can't wait to have a rider. like that's like just the idea of like not instead of clubs being like oh you I was just in a club a few weeks ago they're like you get one drink per show I don't drink

I drink like diet coax and they were counting my diet coax and I want to be like come on man and then I want to go in one club owner was telling me this last week he's like this one guy needed a bottle of tequila and a bottle of champagne for every show and a bottle and a new pair of sneakers but it was like it was like Eddie Griffin or something And I was like, I can't wait to call up a guy

Be like, I need a new pair of sneakers ever shown If it's not there, I'm not performing Sneakers come out of your paycheck. That's what I said. All right, don't think that they buy it. That's what they tell you. Yeah. At the final rundown, you'll see the fucking sneakers.

Yeah, the fucking the trip to get, you remember that white egg? Because everybody wants eggwife. Oh, yeah? I don't know egg white. Can you get us an egg white omelet? They'll bring an egg white omelet. At night?

No, like some guys do. Some dudes stay, go to Miami. improv and they stay in Fort Lauderdale and call the Miami club manager and go, hey, I'm in the move for Egg White's and bacon and they're like, okay. But that all comes out of your little checky poo at the end. You're thinking

you're a killer. You're like, I got to free sneakers. Keep thinking that. And they charge an extra hundred. You know, it's like anything else. You come to buy my sneakers. Yeah. Like anything else. But I think you're right in one thing. But I tried to tell Lee a couple weeks ago.

You have to know your value. and you have to walk in there like, I don't like doing this, but you have to do it. You got to walk in there like Jackie Gleason. A hundred percent polished and you got a dime in your pocket. You know, and there's all those little things that will lift you mentally.

Like, just because they're not lifting you to be an headliner, doesn't mean you're not an adliner. It means you don't have the credits and stuff. And that's why I always tell young comics, and they don't want to hear this shit. Listen, I know you. I really know you don't want to act. Nobody does. Compared to stand-up comedy, acting's a fucking nightmare.

Okay? But if you can make somebody like you at NYPD Blue or Law & Order, you get somebody who likes your, you'll do four Law & Orderes a year as a co-star. And that's what I want that club manager to see, that club owner to see. I saw Natalie Cuomo. Because that puts you into a different league.

You may not be a start. You had one line. You lit the guy's cigarette and you turned away. Doesn't matter. You're on an NBC show. So I got to treat Natalie different unless this does go the other way. Yeah. Okay?

Not only that, all that auditions and it helps you stand up. And at one point, they just meet. It's not going to happen after two months. It's not going to happen like 18 months after auditioning. You're going to go again. How come I can't book nothing? And you're going to figure it out and go in and then start booking. It's like everything else.

You turn the switch on when you can't. It's like the battered woman. She leaves after that last punch to that. You know what I'm saying? last punch to the head. I can live without that last punch. How does that relate to acting? I'm just saying. I don't even know. It's, it's, it all comes together. And that's what a lot of comics don't understand. It all comes together. But it's time. I'm going to blow your mind. I remember when I was doing comedy 10 years, I'm like, yeah. I'm at the fucking comedy store. These

bitches can't tell me shit. And I remember one that I sat next to Mitchie. she was watching who Pablo what's the name Pedro Francisco no the other guy Paul Rodriguez is on stage okay this had to be 20 years ago and I'll never forget that I sat next to her in the booth she didn't say nothing no he was fucking destroying the room I mean

destroying it and she looked at me and I was feeling good about doing comedy 10 years and she goes eh that's what you'll look like when you do comedy 20 years I'm like, 20 fucking years, 10 more years of this shit. 10 more fucking years to get like that.

But then it's, 10 years go, it's like joining the Army. Like, I'm out joining because it's four years. How quick that there's nine years in comedy go? Really, really. You could have gotten two degrees right now. You could have been an attorney, a fucking president. You know, but you'll always go. I don't have four years for law school.

Bitch, it's going to blurp. It's crazy. It's crazy. How fast it goes. And all of a sudden, you're like, wow, I've been to Fort Worth five times. This is bizarre. Yeah, no. And then you have to start thinking like that.

Wait a second. I've been doing comedy 10 years and I've been a fourth word five times. I've got to up my game. I got to get to Paris, Texas. I got to get somewhere else because you just keep challenging yourself. It's not about, listen, you can be mad at all those bookers that don't talk to you don't pick up your emails. I was.

But I'm going to tell you what a better feeling is when they have to hire you. And now you walk into the club and they're like, we're happy to have you. And they start giving you that backbell and bullshit. And you give them that look. It's like that look,

it's like that look you give your ex-wife's husband at dinner. I'm saying? Like you might be banging up by, I put carrots in the ass. I'm saying like, like you got the upper hand. Like you know that look right now. You know that look.

I've never heard that saying and I'm obsessed with it. That's not a saying. That's a real experience that he had. Think about it. Have you put carrots in someone's ass before? No, but it's part of one of my ex-wife, my first ex-wife,

we went to war. And one day in passing, she was telling me that when she lived in Tempe that the guy next door was putting carrots and his girlfriend's asshole and I made a mental note of that. Like this is, this is 1984.

But I ended up marrying this girl. And we had a child custody battle. Okay. I still don't talk to my daughter. I was like 25 years old with this dirty bitch. So when I beat her in court the last time, as we were walking out, she was walking out with her then boyfriend. A guy who had like a range rover.

He wore like the sweaters around his shirt. Yeah, yeah. He couldn't handle what I had coming up. And after court, we were walking out. And I go, Kathy, tell him how I used to put carrots in your ass. And bro, it was on. She turned around what? Yeah, tell him.

and I just kept talking over her. Tell them I used to put carrots in your ass, little ones, big ones, fucking all of them. And I would, John, John, you put a carrot in her ass? It's a fucking party. And I just kept going because it was five years of me getting tortured by this woman. And she was torturing me because I had two felonies. And the third felony would be 25 years.

And I'm like, I'm not going to get involved in this shit. And finally when I said, you know what, I'm fucking taking them down. And that's exactly what I did. I went after the boyfriend, smacked them. and the court that got thrown out of court. So this is five. You smacked him? Fuck yeah.

But I smacked him. The city limits are bolder. And you can't use a racial reference. So he called me a spick and I smacked them. So he got thrown out of court. So they had to walk out of court with a black guy, her crying. And I said, And I'm like, hey, talking about the carrots in your ass.

Tell him about Easter Sunday. I would just, I was just fucking going off. And it got to the point where he walked away from him. that was the best. Yeah. That was the best. And that was me letting her know, motherfucker I won.

Okay, you ran your game for five years. But, like, again, the motive, like the man says, what's the dude saying in that movie? You could shoot 25 motherfuckers. Why shoot 25 motherfuckers? You got to shoot one? Why run down there and shoot one,

we can walk down there and shoot them all over? No, that's a different one. All right. No, this is like, you know, it's an old expression. the same thing. It's like when your ex-wife calls you up and go, let's go to dinner with my new mail. And she's like, look at him with a bow tie and you're like, uh, you fucking faggot. I used to tie her up and spit her mouth and do all this crazy shit. Did you do crazy shit?

No! No! No, no, no, no. I was talking to a friend of mine before. And we're talking about putting ice cubes in your mouth. He's a girl's pussy, right? And how you, you ever get that done to you? No, I've never. Tremendous. Really? Yeah. Just how to have. Just how. You just and put the ice cube in his mouth and lick your little monkey, it numbs it. And then they pop it. And then what you do is you pop the ice cube in your monkey, suck it out and give it to you to suck on for a little while. So we get that sexual connection, you know what I'm saying? I look how he just said he hadn't done anything freaky.

No, you obviously have. No, no. Yeah, and my youth. Okay, okay. That was a fuck. I can't do that shit to my wife. She don't approve. Why?

Are you fucking crazy? She's a Christian and shit. I tell my wife want to put ice cube in a little. it's all over to shop. You gotta find the right woman to do that shit with. But yeah, you did. That girl, the worst thing I did when we used to do coke and fuck.

But that was it. I never did nothing. I never tied her up and nothing like that. I didn't find out about that until I became a comedian. You learned that shit on the road. A woman tell you tie me up, spit my mouth, you know, fucking do all this nasty shit.

It's a different world that. It is. I'm a Catholic. I don't want to smack a girl in the face. Like, smack me in the face. What the fuck is wrong with you? I had a girlfriend. I punched her so hard at New Year's Eve.

She couldn't go out. She couldn't go out at New Year's Eve. Why? Because she wanted me to tie her up and punch in the face. You went a little too hard. Well, she can call me a faggot. Smack me, you fagg. Oh, my God.

I'm a Catholic. You finally ought to let go. New Year's Eve. She got that one eye. She has a wear sunglasses. She's the one that showed to Tampa. Crazy Carol. Crazy Carol.

Yeah, Crazy Carol. That was a girl I started dating when I was 32. I'm going to tell you something. Like, you're from this area. I went to, you know, what's that place that we used to go to his kids? I know you heard about it over there. The fact bar in the city. I used to talk about on stage.

God, damn. In the meatpacking district. With a guy dancing outside with a Dick. I can't, what the fuck was a... I saw a guy in a tub once with a sign that's his spit on me. And people walk... That no, one of those.

It was three floors. It was lesbians on the second floor. New York was Buckwild. Ramrod? Ramrods was a gay guy in a gay club. In the village by the meatpacking district. Holy shit. The things you saw in there, but what are you going to do them to?

You got to find the perfect fucking animal. Then cocaine came along. And cocaine, women will let you do trippy things when they did coke. And that was okay. It was just okay. But I started dating Carol when I was 32. I'm going to tell you something. The first month, that bitch blew my fucking mind.

Really? She had a sugar daddy at 25. She had gone around the world. So she's like, I'm up forever for whatever you're up. Anal, my eyeballs, whatever. Like she was in, in. And I was like, this is crazy. Wow.

She would go to the store buy her own Vaseline. That's a woman, Jack. When they buy their own Vaseline, they tell you they got it on sale. Look, I got the Vaseline on sale for a dollar off. But one time I was with an alley, I'll tell you this because you like all this creepy shit. I do. Well, how do you know I like creepy shit? Because I watch your material.

I watch your jokes and shit. And there was this little cave in Seattle. It was like a river that you went to. And it was like a cave. And you just walked out into the river. You wanted to get wet or whatever. There's other caves. Wait, where is it?

This is Seattle, Washington. Okay. There's just a cave in a river? Circa, 1987. Okay. You go to this resort, and it's just a river, but they made like little caves, like just like a bungalow. But it's in the rock.

It's in the stone. Okay, okay. So it took like bulldozer and took it out. And you put your towel in there. If you don't want to be in the sun, you can put it out. So we're in there. We're drinking wine, cool, or smoking dope. We're doing a couple lines of Coke.

It's two in the afternoon. It's the Lord's Day. Bikini's on, and she's sitting there with this tiny bikini. She said something to me. She was pissed about something. And she turned around. It's like, fuck you. But she was looking at the river, and her ass was right here.

And I'm drinking this wine cooler. I'm looking at her ass. I'm drinking this wine cooler. And I go, it's going to get heavy now. And I just took the wine cooler and slith a little thong. I just started playing with the wine cooler and her monkey just to see what happened, right? To see if she'd go, don't do that. She didn't say nothing.

I just kept doing it. And finally I saw it went in her. And I was just like pushing the bottle in and out, like a lunatee. And I'm starting to get fucking hot and sticky. She's all fucking hot and sticky. And next thing I look at the bottle, and as I pull out, blood comes into the bottle. Like the suction pulled out a period. I didn't know this.

And I fainted. I fucking fainted because I thought I caught a pussy. That's 20 years. That's 20 fucking years. That's 20 fucking years. That's like putting a dildo in somebody's at. Like in the 80s? what happened? The guy put a hot dog in his ass and was frozen, it broke. So he had to go to the

emergency room to take the hot dog out of his ass. That's so scary. Natalie, you got it. You want it. You want it. You got it. I'll give it to you. Yeah. So yeah, they used to, fags used to put hot dogs in the frozen hot dogs and the hot dogs are break. Why? I don't know, because they were frozen and you have a warm ass. I don't know. Like one of those Arabs on Times Square making a hot dog. I don't know. on nothing. And they'll have to go to the hospital and take the other piece of a hot dog removed out of their ass. Well, next time you want to laugh, hook up with a fucking emergency room doctor and take them out to dinner and start asking them, creepy or quiet, what's the craziest thing

you've seen? And they'll tell you some shit sex stuff. That's the craziest shit they see. A woman swallowed a ball. Like one of those balls they put in your mouth. He was tired. What was the last time you blushed Natalie? You don't seem like someone who blushes a lot, but you're turning fucking both of you're turning bright red. Natalie's thinking about who is she's going to make do this start. Exactly. She's going on. I got to find the fucking victim.

I do. I need to find a hot dog in a victim. There's hot dog's right there. There we go. They cook. They'll bend. They'll be like a dead dick. You're looking like if you want to.

And I think they would get those, oh, they put pepperoni's up their ass. That's why they would break. Pepperoni, that's thicker. I know. and their ass, like a bunch of Italian gay guys in Brooklyn. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, there's a whole world out there. You haven't touched on that.

It's fucking waiting for you. I feel so naive. No, you're hell on wheels yourself. You were saying something. About a month ago, I watched something that you were making love to a guy and he said something. And you're like, we'll do it this. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it was. No, no, no, no, no, no. What the fuck were you saying? I know. know what you're talking about. I know the other joke about that you woke up and you farted and sperm was in your ass or something like that.

I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? You woke up drunk and you didn't know if you had sex, but then you farted and something came up. I was dying. I'm like, fucking Natalie. How did you come up with that one, Natalie?

It happens. She lives life, dog. I don't know. Just thought of it. The last thing you want to do is hook up with Natalie because eventually somewhere, she's going to come up on her act. Yes. You're going to come up as a 22nd man or something. Do any guys get mad at you?

Like, don't tell, don't talk about this? They'll be like, really? That was your experience. Oh, they think they killed it? Yeah. That's where you really laugh. When girls talk to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like, oh, my God, I went out with this guy last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He had cologne on. He took Viagra. His dick wouldn't come out. It was, and that's, I couldn't even imagine. I have a friend, and she told me she wanted to date with a guy.

And she goes, we were hot to try it, ready to fuck. I didn't know. She goes, I brought Cuban food. And she goes, when he came in the room, he smelled the Cuban food, he passed out. He couldn't smell it. It got him sick. Like, whenever I smell like Indian food, I get the same thing.

Like, when I went up to those buildings up there, they used to make like a paste. Okay. I wanted to taste it. It smelled good. But it was like, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm the guy who passed out of the smell of Cuban food. Yeah, he passed out.

But why? I don't know. He was sick or something like that. He just passed out. the ambulance had to continue magnet. You're going to hook up with a guy? And then he just passes out. Yeah, just passes the fuck out like low sugar or some shit.

Is he smelled? Are you sure that's why he passed out? That's what she told me. Right, right. But it's just so rough, man. But I admire you. I admire a lot of women comics because I fucking know how hard it is. And I know a girl like you walks into a comedy club next to you know,

she's got 20 helpers that want to help her write material. We'll get you to the top. Ooh, that's right together. Yeah, let's do this. Oh, my God. Yeah. So keep in touch with me. Let me know what's going.

I'm always watching you. You're the best. I came clean with you tonight. I've been watching you. Yes, yes. And I haven't seen you in years. I know. That's my girl.

Oh. So when I heard you were doing the benefit, I was kind of happy. But I was mad at you. But I forgive you. Thank you for being honest. Yeah. No more boyfriends on the road. Exactly.

They stay. Or you keep in the hotel room. Shut your fucking mouth. in the fucking room. After the show, the mama gets back. Stay in the room and iron those panties for mama.

Exactly. You got any dates you want to plug now? Yeah, I've got my Europe tour coming up starting in April 26th, and then I'll be in Europe and the UK. And then I also have Portland, Maine, this coming weekend, and then Charlotte, North Carolina,

the weekend after that. How long when you're leaving me? How long? Yeah. I'm going to be away for a couple weeks. Are you doing comedy in Israel? No. What's the problem?

That's big money. You know, it's just not on my list. You can't be a little helmet on? You do it under the dome, you know what I'm saying? The lights. Look at the lights. You know, not really thinking about that these days. I would love to do a show in Israel.

You would? Oh, fuck yeah. Well, I'm sure you could if you wanted. I got no passport. The felonies, what? Oh, wait. You can't leave the... No, I got to get a new passport.

They won't give it to me because I got a felony one. in Seattle. Why? Because I put the bottle on that girl's pussy. No. I had a warrant. There's 95 for a song. Were you afraid the bottle broke, but it didn't? That's what I thought. It was a, I thought it cracked and it cut her. That would be terrifying. When her and I broke up, we fought on a, on a fucking street in Hollywood, off the sunset. She had mace in one hand and had a pot roast in the other. And I was going to hit it with the fucking pot roast. If I my hands on. Mace and a pot roast.

She had Mace shooting at me and I had a pot roast, you fucking bitch. Don't you hit me with that fucking mace. That is amazing. You guys always fought with food. There was soup, pot roast, mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes.

No, that's the mashed potato chick, Poki. That's her name, Stacey Pocaludo. Poki. She's a publicist. Not a good cook. Anytime you want to come on, you got an open,

anything. Thank you for having. You know, wine bottles. We love you here. You're the best. I love you. Thank you for coming on. Lee, what do you got, baby boy?

Thursday night, I think I'm with you at the dojo. And then I'm at Grizzly Pear. Saturday. I'm headlining Parkville Market in Hartford. We're right. Headlining. Oh, yeah. Look at Lee Lee.

Trying. It's a brewery. It's fun. I've done it twice before. And it's a lot of fun. Really excited. Well, I love you guys. I got nothing.

We got the Nashville Comedy Festival at the Rhyman Theater. November 18th. September 8th. That sold out, Brooklyn. And that's it. And then I got April 15th. And then I got surgery on the 23rd. And I'll be playing Twitch with Natalie by May 5th.

By the time she gets back from Europe, we'll be doing it. Because I got a new, Fannie got me a new PlayStation, too. Oh, yeah? It's going all in. Nice. All in. I got to learn how to do this shit. Yes.

Thank you. You're beautiful. Love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black.