Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Josh Wolf Returns!

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

Comedian, author, and Joey's friend of 30+ years, Josh Wolf, rejoins The Church for the first time on The East Coast for some laughs! Watch Josh's newest special, "The Campfire Special" on his Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgXSWbF02WE Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH New DraftKings customers get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just 5 bucks. Download the DraftKing Sportsbook app & press in code JOEY.

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, beautiful, people, I'm here with my main man, Lee Syatt, for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happened now, New Edition. It's Tuesday, the 12th of August. Isn't that crazy? The month is flying. The kids, I think in Florida, they're already at school. Oh, yeah.

That's it. Florida, Nashville, kids already at school starting. It flew by the summer, dog. My cousins lived in Florida when I grew up, and I used to, like, that used to blow my mind that they were in school in August. That would suck. Sweating your ass off.

The last two weeks, make them believe you want to be there. Then you got to go to school for Labor Day? and then come back like just start school after Labor Day that destroys it so I'm in school for two weeks and I got my first vacation and it's a Monday and I got to come back on Tuesday like half with a sunburned

just let me go back to the second sometimes now they'll have you go like the Wednesday and then like you'll go for like two days and then you have the long weekend for Labor Day they they fuck with you that's like a job like I sort of regret not doing as a teacher like that I know it's a pain in the ass

but the schedule is fucking awesome No it's not You wouldn't like that be done by three Dude there's so many comics You're not done by three They're done by three You gotta stay and mark papers And grade this and do that

Fucking second grade So there's no papers Oh okay But you still gotta fucking work You still gotta deal with those fucking kids Yeah that part's tough You still got snots And kids are different

They're not respectful And so what You got two months off in the summer How bad do you feel in September I'd rather work the whole summer Than have the summer off And then have to go back in September But I'm like, fuck.

Now I got to go back to this job and do this shit all over again. Really? I would love two months off every year. You wouldn't like that? You don't like vacations. I don't like vacations. What am I going to do? I never understood.

It's why you work so hard is to take a break. What break? There's no breaks. What are you mean? What breaks? People who take breaks end up dead. There's no breaks. Everyone ends up dead, so take some breaks.

But on your time, not on world's time. There's no break. Lee, you know, why I don't like breaks, because everybody's always complained. You know, seven out of people complain about money issues right now. Yeah. And seven, and eight out of ten people complain

about their career. But you've got the audacity to go on a vacation. You know, I love stand-up comedy. The only thing I don't like about stand-up comedy, I never liked. That's why it's very weird that I did it, because I don't like telling you what I'm going to do in two weeks on a Saturday. Leave me the fuck alone.

You know what I'm saying? Don't call me on a fucking well October 23rd I'm getting married. That's your business. That's got nothing to do with me. What's my son's birth? That's got nothing to do with me. Okay? It really doesn't. I mean so but every day you get a call on who's hurting financially who's doing this and then you have the people that what about this so your girlfriend that's goofy bitch

because everybody's got a goofy fucking bitch girlfriend that has horrible ideas but she sucks our dick and they talk us into it so how about next April we go to Caracas Venezuela and you know you just got your dicks suck you're like oh yeah that would be great oh my God I always wanted to go to fucking Caracas

okay and that's a great vacation I'm not lying to you you want to you know this is what you work for but what if three weeks before Caracas your cat dies your car blows up and you lost your job. Are you still going to go on that vacation? White people do. Let's still go.

What are they going to do you? So the whole 10 days I'm thinking about where I'm going to work, I miss my cat, and what am I going to drive when I get back? That's not a fucking vacation. That's what I don't like. I don't know what's going to happen next March. How much do they want?

$100. I'll lose $100 to fucking pander somebody. Like, yeah, maybe I'll go. But for me to give you $8,000 and I don't know what's going to happen next month. March. And all of a sudden, March comes along, my mother just died, my uncle's in the hospital, my girlfriend's got a foot that got cut off, and you want me to go on vacation. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. Life isn't that easy. And there's people who still take off in that situation.

And you have to worry about that. Like somebody called me last year and I'm going on vacation, but I'm concerned. My parents are, my father's really sick. He's on his deathbed. That's where the vacation gets canceled. Because I would never want to be on a vacation And get to call that my dad died That's fair So three days later I gotta get back on a plane

Now I gotta go back crying You know, I'm the fucking plane like a faggot For what For what And that's what I don't like about vacations That I don't know what's gonna be happening At that time Yeah, I'm paper anything

You know us as comedians Right Plan something Planned something as a comic plan something because the day you go your girlfriend's like let's do August 23rd okay August 23rd that's the day

Tarantino calls you Kim will cause you that Friday that Friday before you leave is a day named the biggest director today he calls you and says I have four days for you in the movie they start Sunday and they gotta look at your cunt family and go

oh looks like you're going on your own I didn't want to go to Disneyland anywhere. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to go anywhere. That's in my mind all the time. That's the type of guy I am. I don't want to miss nothing.

When we grew up in North Bergen, you didn't want to go home. You did not want to go home. Did you ever want to go home when you were in high school? Because you didn't want to wake up the next thing. Bro, after you left, a chick pulled up and sucked everybody's dick. And you're like, God damn it, I should have done that paper, that book report on, trigonometry or whatever. So we were raised not to go home.

So you understand all these little things? That's why I don't like vacations. I totally get it. But why I get the business thing. But like before that, every scenario was like worse. Like if you go on a vacation, the world's going to end. Like, what if the world doesn't end? What do you mean the world's going to end?

You said like my mom died, my cat died. Right. But no, no, no, no. Think about it. Let's say right now you talk to your girlfriend. And she goes, this weekend we want to go to Saratoga. That's fine. It's Monday.

You know, I don't know what I'm going to feel like, but oh, yes, she does do on Monday. I'll tell you whatever fuck you want to hear about Saturday. You know, but as Thursday comes along, you got an audition Monday. I got no time to hold hands and walk around the town. Oh, my God. Let's go look at the museum. I don't have time for that shit. I don't have time.

And I've never had time for that. I've been one of those guys that we crush. when we don't have what we want. But to get it, we're going to take a vacation now. That doesn't fly with me at all, because if you're going to come back from that vacation going, I don't know what's going on with my comedy. Well, you went on vacation for a week.

That's what happened to your comedy. You went on vacation. You thought you earned the right to go on a fucking vacation. And at the end of the day, none of us earned the fucking right to go on a vacation. None of us. None of us. There's a number that you have to earn to go on a vacation. It's unrealistic.

So that means you're never going to want on a fucking vacation. I need to make $8 million in the month of March. It's never going to happen. So I'm not going on vacation unless I mug Jeff Bezos. What do you make seven? I ain't going on vacation. The goal was eight. Jesus Christ. That's how you have to treat yourself. Who the fuck am I to go swing somewhere. When I owe on my credit card, I have a mortgage, and I have all these things in my life. Who the fuck am I to go hang out with white people and drink cocktails and before you drink them, honey, we're going to put this on the visa card. Okay, so that's not a vacation. Right. That's not a vacation. A vacation to me is, let's go. And we got 20 chicks coming from all over the world,

and they all got to sign NDAs because they're dying. anyway, right? We're killing them anyway on the boat. Right? They're not making it back to tell an Epstein story or nothing. That's what people are going to learn from this Epstein list. No more stories. Once you finish with them, you kill them all. That's it. You want to come to an orgy? Just no prepared to die. Sign your will before you coming because you ain't going home. That's it. I hope people learned all this shit from Puffy and Diddy and Diddy and fucking Epstein and Island with Carlos lay there. What was that? Paradise Cove, where they were doing coke and doing abortions.

Women were so coked up that were doing abortions fresh. Like they were just ripping the fucking baby out of your snatch with cocaine. What was the name of Pablo Oscar? Not Pablo. Carlos Ladegh had an island. Remember? Between Columbia and Miami, Carlos Ladegh bought a fucking island.

And it was filled with cocaine. Carlos Lade was one of the guys from the Medellin cartel that thought he was fucking philosophical. He was half German and half Colombian. So he was He loved Hitler. So he would fucking get coked up and talk about Hitler and fucking all this shit.

And once he lost his mind, the cartel got together when the United States said, we're going to go, Norman's K. When the United States got together, they go, what we're going to do when the cartel got together and go, look, we could end this. Just give him Carlos late there. He's fucking crazy anyway.

He's crazy. He lives on an island. He's having orgies, fucking killing kids, women, people fucking sucking, sucking. They were bringing the coke there and leave him like 10 kids. And he was snorting at all.

Do you think it was really good coke? Dog, it was an island with coke and nobody to watch you. Whether the coke was good or bad, I'm having a good time. Somebody's dying. You know what I'm saying? Somebody's dying. All these people want a party, but nobody wants to die. Like, when I was a kid, people OD, right at a party, they oldied.

They fucking lost the fucking leg. That's a party. I don't think they went to the party looking at Odigo. These little faggits now sit there at DJs down the shore. Oh yeah. To some black rapper with an organ. getting a stick. Think, yeah, you're looking good.

Think, think, think. What the fuck? What the fuck? So anyway, we're talking about vacations. Now we're talking about black people. I don't know how that happened. And nobody's going to Jamaica. Anyway, that's why.

That's the way I've always thought, Lee. I mean, do you ever, looking back, do you ever be like, I should maybe like a one week? Like, I'm not telling you, I do agree. I've never, knock on what, I've never had credit card debt. So like that, I've been very good about that. and that I agree with but like if you can afford

you know three days in Tampa why Tampa I don't want to go I don't because to you every vacation was like to the south

of France and I'm going $100,000 in debt I'm talking about like let's go to the beach for five days and and I don't know

chill go to Waffle House I went down to that North Carolina that fucking armpit I forgot about that you did go on vacation in the last couple of years

That sucked. That shit sucks for a guy like me. You know what I like? You know what a vacation is for me? Just going to a nice hotel. Yeah. Eating, going on the balcony, smoking dope, torturing somebody. Torturing somebody.

Smoking pot outside and watching security stuff. And then leaving, like, a little jointly ashtray, and then going to the front desk and going, do you smell marijuana? I'm a Christian. I do not like to smell of marijuana. in my hotel. That's fun.

Yeah. So I, see, that is fantastic. So you just want to go alone and torture people just in, like, new locations. You just want to torture when I'm getting to an age that.

When I was younger, I like torturing people. But I'm getting to an age since I have no friends. I don't talk to them. I didn't talk to anybody all weekend. So I basically just tortured people. I took my daughter's softball whistle, that fucking whistle, the problems I caused with that whistle.

I went to my buddy's restaurant, Eddie Bart. What was the name of Eddie Bart's restaurant? Out in the little ferry, fucking great restaurant. I'm sitting there Hackensack. Does it matter, George? I don't even know the name of it. So I'm sitting there with Eddie Bart, and I'm blowing this whistle. And every time I blow the whistle, he's a general manager.

He's getting up and looking around for two hours. They thought the fire alarm was going off. And every time they would settle, I'd do another. and they get up and they run the fucking restaurant. He didn't know until I did the podcast a week later and he listened to it and I talked about the whistle. So Saturday night I went out with a couple to dinner, a young couple.

I met her five years ago. She's the first person I met Marlboro. Then she introduced me to her boyfriend. I'm tied with the boyfriend now that I am with her because he has a health food store. So I see him a lot more. So they invited me out Saturday night. And at first I was like, I don't know.

And I met him. I had about, I had the last two edibles, I had two 500 milligram edibles. And I had some Enigma mushrooms and I ate half the bag, but I haven't been eating mushrooms. So they kind of give you that euphoric for about a half hour. So I was eating in this restaurant, I heard it to the Chinese, the Italian fried rice. They got Italian fried rice and I'm eating the fried rice and I'm fucking tripping, I'm getting high on the edibles and I got, the guy gave me a steak knife by mistake. So I'm just sitting every five minutes

I would just pick up the steak knife and go Ha! And I just... The people next to me were going crazy every time I said ha. And I broke the whistle up by myself. And I just started doing the beep, beep. And everybody's looking around.

I'm like, and I'm calling the waiter over going, what's that whistle? Let me find out what it is. He's running the restaurant. That's what I giggle upon. That's what I like doing. Dude, I forgot that. Terry and Mercy were gone, you alone for a few days must be, like, that must be the craziest thing that anyone's ever.

Like, you just left to your own devices. How long did it take you to break the whistle out? How many days were you alone until you were? Thursday night, I took the whistle out. And they left Thursday morning. Listen, hold on. Let's go to our break. Let's bring it our guest.

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see dKNG.co slash audio. We're back. Don't forget try Lucy Gump. Our guest today is a friend of mine, my longest comedy friend that's still doing comedy. Mr. Josh Wolfe, what's happening, brother? What's up, dude? Dirty fucking years, I know.

I know, man. We saw comedy go, change. People died. You know what, though, like people definitely died. Well, that lady up in Seattle, that wouldn't book me. And then she's like your ex-manager. My old manager?

The woman who, Laura. Laura, yeah, God rest of soul. Yeah, Laura. You're talking about Laura? Yeah, Laura. I forgot her last name. She didn't have Ron's last name. No, she didn't.

Crocker. Laura Crocker. Yeah, she wouldn't book me, but I would call every Wednesday and go, hey, can I do a guest out of your club and she would fucking cringe. I guess you can. And then the club would say, why don't you ever work here? I don't know, Lord don't like me. She did, like, a one-nighter or something in the...

A bunch of... She had a bunch of one-night at her. Yeah, but Pat Wilson loved you. Pat Wilson, yeah, until she found that I was getting paid and not showing to her gigs. She had that Friday at the Army base. I just stopped showing up. I just stopped.

That Friday at the Army base was horrible. Horrible. I just stopped going down there. I don't want to get paid $25 to get put on a firing line. It's the only place anyone threw a... Somebody threw a bottle at me from the crowd. It was a firing line. They were going to shoot you.

It was fucking crazy. I stopped going. I kept getting the checks. She was like, did you go? How was the show? It was great. I never went. I didn't go for like three or four weeks.

It was just 25 bucks a week. Place was one of the roughest shows. The fact that they knew that they might throw bottles and nobody ever... Interfee. Nah, not once. And we had the comedy room with the parrot behind us? Dude, I've never seen. I was telling somebody

this story the other day I've never seen you angrier on stage than when that parrot started making noises. Oh my God, because you're trying to I'm not up there. I'm telling jokes and remembering my jokes and I got a parrot behind me going

Johnny went a cracker. Yo, and this was I'm assuming at this time too you had a or you always had coke in you you were not a calm dude no and when that parrot started just yeah you were like

i'm gonna kill this fucking parrot you're like how mom you don't have to pay me and i'm gonna kill this fucking parrot dude i listen to me the the the um i was talking to you about this earlier but we did comedy together when it was still just fun fun listen comedy is very fun i mean I mean, the new generation, it's got to be a nightmare for them. Because they're coming up knowing that if you get enough views on YouTube, somebody will hire you. If you, you know, let your dick on fire on Instagram and get 3 million people, 10% of that is 300,000, right? 3 million, 300,000, 30,000, something like that.

It's still enough people to rock and roll with. And they're all confused. They don't know really where to go. And I tell Lee constantly. This is just about getting funny right now. This area, this year one to year 12 is basically you listening. Ah, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, really? You got a Netflix special? How great it's, listen. It's not anybody else's journey. It's your journey. I was watching that stupid movie the other day. Which one? And it made a lot of sense to me.

Full metal jacket. Listen to what the Marines teach you. This is my rifle. There's many like you. it, but this one is mine. Okay, listen to those words, but this one is mine. This is your journey.

Whether you're fucking a ballet, stand-up, you know, jujitsu, karate, whatever you're doing, it's your journey. Once you start comparing it to Lees or Josh's or Nick, that's where your journey ends. And that's what I have to remove from the younger

generation of comedy. that everybody's moving at a different pace right now. And, Doug, when I got to L.A., the first six months, those were the most hurtful feelings of my life. How come? Because you were going to this place to see a guy that was on TV. I was raised in comedy that if you were on TV on a sitcom, you were not just funny on stage.

You were a dangerous fucking man. Okay? I would go see all those guys that were on TV shows those days. and I would rip their hearts out the first three minutes. They couldn't even run with me. And that's what gave me confidence. I'm like, these guys aren't as funny as I fucking thought. And then there were guys that just picked up roles in movies

that you were like, he's a lot better than me because he was in a movie. Then you went to see him, and you're like, this guy blows. This guy blows. This is terrible fucking comedy. You don't have that. Like, you can't gauge yourself with that no more. Listen, I could be the best actor in the world

Going to an audition now And if I don't have 300,000 people on Instagram And a guy left in me has 10 million He gets to roll But you know what else That we didn't have to deal with That they kind of do Because there wasn't

Especially when we first starting dude There was no like Carrot of If you do this You could make a shit ton of money Tomorrow row so it we took a real slow drip approach to the learning because that's what it was it was spot it was all about spots and only about spots because there was nothing else right now

it's not just spots it's spot content likes all this other shit that we didn't have so your focus is on being funny and writing this is what I'm saying saying that's it is what I'm saying agree being funny and writing but our only

goal dude was to be comedians it wasn't to be internet famous no it was just to be it was just to be comedians

it was it was different it was different but still like I told young comics all the time listen avoid if I knew what I knew

now avoid social media for right now yeah you're not doing nothing if he's just gonna put a reel of you doing stand up

If you're going to put a PCU in a comedy club behind you to show the audience, don't do it because everybody's doing it. Right now you've got to figure out something else if you're a comedian. Listen, tickets are not moving like they used to for a lot of people.

Not just lower names, higher names. It's just not happening. They're looking at these 400-dollar ticket pricing going, dog, you know, what the fuck? So something's got to happen with comedy and we all know what's going to happen with comedy pretty soon. there's just too many comedians

there's too many clubs and there's not much going on but you know what I think is missing dude from comedy what I think is missing also is like there's there became like this

this is what comedy is but if you go back to the lineups that Mitzie used to put on there's no Heath Hitches now there's do you know what I mean there's nobody she's celebrated every different type of genre right right right and i think that is missing right now it's all i mean it's not all the same comic but it's all the same comedy do we don't have those dudes

heath he when we were when we where is he i don't know man heath was legitimately funny and to be funny in 15 minutes with all of that stuff was very difficult What was the thing? He was a prop guy. Prop guy. But he had a prop dog that he played a preacher, a black preacher. Yeah, dude. And he had white women.

Yeah. And he controlled him with fucking. They were like eagle arms. He controlled them and shit, and they would pop that. Yeah. He did some crazy shit. My, first of all, I was watching George Carlin, I'm a big George Carlin fan. You're not?

No, but I actually watched it for like 20 minutes. Let's get down to basics. Okay, right now, we're living in a time where we all sound the same. The top guys are not doing anything spectacular. They're not doing anything spectacular. I'm not doing anything spectacular. Nobody's really doing anything spectacular.

We're all the hat. We've been around for 20, 30 fucking years. Okay? So, you know, I'm waiting for that material to blow out of my ass too. I'm waiting. Every day I sit there and go, I've been doing the same shit I did for 30 years.

is it's just not doing it no more yeah it's not doing it no more but this is why like when i hear people like uh marron talk shit about matt rife you sound like an old dude on the porch man country music isn't Hank just Hank Williams now right it evolved and comedy is not just it evolves also right and to sit back and and poo poo because i think that you're right the younger crowd does like part of the younger crowd that's watching they're watching guys like morgan jay and they're watching matt rife and it's way more interactive and it's because of social media dude and how they have ingested comedy that's what they like so to sit back on the porch and be like this is what it has to be here it is matt rife is fucking really good dude he's so funny

He's good at what he does. Oh, yeah, dude. Fuck you. But my philosophy, okay? This is the philosophy I was raised on. And it took a long time to get there. Stand-up while it took a long time to get there. For sure.

That philosophy that I was raised on was, I'm not paying 30 bucks to come into a place to hear Josh Wolf ask George what he does for a living. No, I'm with you. Okay? Don't start with that. Don't start with that. Now, let's talk about honesty here.

When I met you, Josh Wool, I had eight minutes of material. The rest, I just went up there and left the fate. I'm the first guy to tell you that. That ran, that worked for four fucking years. I was that good. For four years, I could do it. But, dude, also, to be fair, what was amazing about what you did was you weren't crowdworking. You were writing material.

Onstage. On stage. Okay. But I knew it. And I was banking too much on it. Yeah. And I knew it would get me to a certain level. My daughter is good as softball.

But she's going into a run now that athleticism ain't going to do it. Now it was when you got to work hard. You got to work a little harder and as you get older, that circle shrinks, okay? I started comedy and I improvised at the broker for two years because I had to do five new minutes every Tuesday. I wasn't experienced enough to write five new minutes. minutes. This was Colorado? This was Boulder. When I first started, my first two years, I had a gig every Tuesday, but it was the same audience. So I had to change it up. And I did. I tried writing as much as I could, but I would do three minutes and then 10 minutes of improvise, you know, and it was a

50-50 shot. It's always 50-50 when you improvise. But when you, but you've always, and maybe it's changed. But you were always the best writer on stage. On stage. I don't know how you are as far as sitting at a desk or whatever. But on stage, you're one of the, and to watch

you do multiple sets and change is... I'm getting bored. Yeah. I don't want to get bored. Yeah. I don't want to sound like a fucking machine. So you've got to put something in there. Even if it bumps, you've got to put something in there. So you

just don't rattle off. But you've always done that, dude. I don't like how I felt when I did Coke. Because when I did Coke and went on stage, I felt the disconnect. I feel the disconnect. When I moved here to Jersey, the first year, when I would go down to Uncle Vinnie's and you come down, there was a disconnect. It was a big, that's why I stopped doing it.

Because I'm like, I'm not doing Blow, but I feel my comedy's on Blow again. There's no connect. And this last time, I'm starting to, I feel. I feel that sometimes in my set when I don't have enough material. But to get back to what we were talking about. My first two years in comedy were 50-50, and I moved here in 93, and what happens here? Everybody does that. New York City is, hey, so what do you do for a living?

And it's every fucking weido doing that shit on stage. So I started doing it here. And then when I went to Colorado in 93, a good comic told me, he goes, once you start getting up in the levels and you start getting close to L.A., that's not accepted no more. So go away from that. And, Doug, I went away from it.

Once I got to the Comedy Store, I knew that wasn't going to work. I don't think I've ever done crowd work at the Comedy Store. It was taboo. I don't think I ever have. Listen, I remember there was a comic that we were both friends with,

moved from another state, was in L.A. for about a week and a half, and I did Braille. And I invited him down to Dubraea. Yeah. And as soon as he got offstage in Braggle, this guy's not going to last here. And within three or four days,

his uncle mysteriously had a heart attack, and he had to go back and give up the apartment. And he didn't last year. He's still back where he is. Great person. I do think there is merit, like when I go on the road, if I'm doing 45 minutes or an hour,

of not jumping straight into material. However you want to do it, to make sure it feels more like a conversation. I don't think there's any good for me to walk on stage and hop into material. Even if that means I bullshit about the city I'm in. Yeah, yeah, the first eight minutes, just a one and a walk. We're just kind of, so we know we're part of a conversation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you on that. Listen, you don't think about that when you're doing comedy eight years. No, not, not, not. You're not even up to that level of thinking like that. I've got to go out there and introduce myself. I know that you got 20 seconds. You got 20 seconds. They make up their mind in 20 seconds.

They're even going to fucking like you. So in those 20 seconds, what do I do? I, Lenny Clarking. I go up there and I just jump on them. Why fuck around? As soon as you hit gloves, instead of going back to your corner, just come out with the right.

Why are we even going back to the corner? Why are we doing this shit? You got 20 seconds for them to like you. Google it, GPT, chat it, whatever, all that shit. You got 18 seconds for them to go, I like this guy. Yeah. I like his eyes, I like his shoes, he's fat, he's too skinny, I don't like his fucking neck, I don't like his gold chain.

You got 20 seconds. I'm not gonna give you 20 seconds. Yeah. I'm gonna get into you when you can't make a decision, you're just laughing. Now you got no choice. I'm making you feel different. My finger is already in your pussy.

There's no like, look at the fingers, fingers going in, no, I'm a very, no, it's in your asshole already. I'm already, and now we'll get, you let me just get to a girl and start eating her pussy. There's no, like, hold on, my dad might come home. None of that shit. They're in. If you asked them, can I eat your pussy? My dad might come home, my grandma's on the way from bingo, but once you dive into that monkey

and pick up those legs and you're like, and you're licking that fucking asshole, they're not going to tell you, stop, my grandmother's coming home from church, you're in. You're in. So why are we going up there playing this dumb game? You got 20 seconds. You got 20 seconds for them to even consider you. I don't want them to make that decision. I don't want them to make it for them.

I will tell you something right now, first of all. Nobody has ever attacked a crowd in the first 10 or 15 seconds. When you decide to do it, you don't always do it. There's some nice, but when you decide to go in on it, it's kind of crazy. But you have like, your secret sauce is that energy right there. And the laugh. The smile is on my face. For sure.

So they're not getting tortured. They know I'm fucking around because not what you say. It's how you say it. But that energy and how you can go in stories or just in your stand-up, it's honestly what I equated to Kinnisans that, when he used to do that, ah, ah, like that voice, it's so zero to 100. You have to.

But there isn't, there aren't, you're taken for granted that that's kind of your superpower. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of us, but most of us don't have that zero. You don't have superpowers, not to you. For you, for sure, dude. So put him in a fucking box and look at them.

I'll take it out only on Friday night. No, dude. But this is what's amazing about your stand-up is that it's such, it's such, it goes from zero to 100 and you're back down to zero but it's all fun and you're watching them, you're watching your audience, you want to

break them a little bit and then you, like anything else in life, you've got to give them a little breath. Do you remember? They got to get the first day kit. You know what I'm saying? They've got to get the first day kit but as they're putting the band-aid on before that band-aid gets wrapped, I'm hitting them again. I'm hitting them again. Then I'm going to wrap that

band-aid. Why hit them? Why let them rest? I have to ask you a question I've never asked you before. And it just dawns on me because I just saw it the other day. What's that special where your hair is jet black? Sociably unaccepted. I've known you forever. That could not have been your decision to do jet black. Ask them what happened.

The first show, the camera wouldn't. My head was too shiny or their hair, so they had to darken it up, dog. I was like there's no way before I just saw him a week ago there's no way I've known you for that you were like I got to dye my hair before this show it wasn't it wasn't died they put like powder black powder they had a yeah what what why did they do that because I wasn't involved in that that whole thing was from the start that was special with a couple was fighting in the front room yes I was a nightmare what do you

That's worse than the parrot. No, the parrot was the fucking... The first show I ate a bag of dicks. And the second show, I was like, I got to change this around. And I did your idea. I switched it to a story. I opened up with the story about Willie Vandy and the 18-inch dick.

And then I got him. But the whole time, there was a girl came to see me, but a boyfriend didn't like me. So she said, I'm going to see Joey, and he goes, I'm coming with you. Out of jealousy, like the chick... You know, she's probably... just into stand-up comedy.

The thing was an ugly little thing. And she brought her boyfriend, and the boyfriend kept making a little remark. And I remember sitting there after 22-minute mark going, what would happen if I just kick this guy in the head like a feel-punner? I'm like, what kind of special would this be?

Would I get sued? Would the club get sued? This is all I'm thinking about. And then some kid tapped them on the shoulder and the kid calmed down. But it was not good. It was not good. I was like, you know what?

I'm gonna end this right here and just feel punt this guy's fucking head like I was that pissed that I finally wait all my life it's 1991 it's 2015 or 14

I've waited fucking 15 30 years to shoot a special and I gotta have a kid trying to be cute here in front of me making noises I don't want to be here I'm gonna watch Mission Impossible

and I'm like do I just feel punt this motherfucker fuck his head away and end my career right now like that was going to I had to kick somebody out my the no no not kicking out in Vancouver kick him through the head so his head flies off the shoulder three minutes three points pump the ball production this drunk this drunk she was the drunkest in the front row for the taping of the special and she was sitting right next to the stage mic

Joe when I listened to the show up until before we kicked her out it was a lot of these noises that type of drawing and then she would and she would say to her friend

you could just hear we should have brought more buzz just it's all you could hear when I was watching and the when I had to kick her out it was

you were at the show it was like she couldn't I'm just trying to have a good time yeah they all happy yeah I'm not drunk no no you're not drunk

don't worry about nothing it's all gonna be okay do you do you still write as much on stage or do you because I know for a while you were by what was that like that

Egg Joint, we met it a couple times in the valley out near where you... Yeah. Which one? Maria and I would show up and you would have you. To notebooks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the afternoons, it's just not working like I used to.

But when you were writing, when you were doing that, you were disciplined about going and sitting... Every day, you're getting on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a rotate, you know, stand-up comedy is not getting on stage once a week. No. And that's what I'm doing.

Once or twice a week. You've got to get outstate three, four nights a week. And that role, it's a row. It's a row. And forget about after a month. And forget about it. That's why there's no vacations. That's why there's no vacation.

You know, I just got back from vacation. I know, but. You've been doing this for 30 years. My first one, too. Agreed. Agreed. I agree, agreed, agreed. Nowhere.

Nowhere. Until something big happens. Yeah. And you take, listen, I didn't take time off until I booked the longest yard. Wow. So from 91 to 2004, I was on stage every night. Do you still have your notebooks?

When I got in New Mexico, there was no open mics in Santa Fe. You had to go to Albuquerque, and it was like once a week, so I wasn't going to go down and I was focused on a movie. But that's the first time. That wasn't a vacation. Have you showed him your old notebooks? No, I throw him away. I throw him away.

I threw a lot of them away. I got to like 10 years, you got to throw him away. They just... You got stats. of them. I know, but... It's for a year. But the notebooks that you kept about every set... Oh, yeah. I still got those in a box.

Do you still have those? Yeah, I still got everything. I stopped doing them when I left L.A. because I knew that there wasn't going to be no more 300 sets a year. Listen, you know one thing I could never understood how... You walked everywhere. You did a ton of Coke,

but you were 380 pounds. I'm like, this dude never stops moving. All he does is snort, but he's, how was he still 300? And he fucking, you walked everywhere, dude. Everywhere. Because. But then after a while, I couldn't. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I got to 310 was when I started having difficulties. Like, it was bad. Like, if the elevator broke, I didn't leave the house. I was on the fourth floor. No, I remember that. I remember that. Elevator breaks, you're in no danger.

And there was no grubbed dead. There was none of that shit. It was delivery, and nobody was going to deliver four floors. When the elevator broke, I wasn't like leave. Papa didn't leave the building. It got to the point where my wife had to tie my shoelaces. You bought me four suits. April of 2001.

You gave me $300 to go buy three suits, three shirts, three pairs of socks. That place up on a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I give you everything. I got a commercial for... to oil. Pay us now or pay us later. Pensor.

And I had to wear a suit. And the people told me, we don't have a suit for you. Like, you're a jumbo. So Josh had to give me money for me to go buy three suits. I bought those suits in April of 2001. Jumbo.

And this is the truth, guys. In June, I went to put those suits on. You know when you put a pad pants on, you have to squeeze your stomach. No. It was three inches. away. Like, I couldn't even, that's how fast I was gaining weight. That was the speed of the weight I was gaining. I just found, because every morning I wake up, people send me Joe Rogan shit.

Yeah. And I found out, like, in those days, this was, my first five hours on the planet were 10,000 calories. It was all destruction. Everything I did from the time I woke up to 1 o'clock could kill a person, because I would get up, and drink coffee and smoke a pack of cigarettes. Mm-hmm. Three-quarters of a pack of cigarettes with weed. But what people also don't understand about your cigarettes, he went, you went from never smoking a cigarette in your life to two packs a day

the first day you picked him up. Like that. Like that. Like that. And the- It wasn't like lightly doing it. No. Two.

The most aggressive cigarette smoker, like you hated him. That's how you smoked. Hated them. And just three. It was. You're like two puffs and just, that was it. It was insane. Yeah.

What my body had gone through. But we discussed it this morning. Like, I don't miss stand-up like I used to because my friends aren't there, you know? Yep. I've made new friends here to do stand-up once or twice a week, and it's great. Do you miss things like... I don't miss the hand. at night. I gotta get home. I'm tired.

Yeah. But I tell you what I do miss. I miss afternoons. We used to have really good days. And you know what? I hate to say it. We had no money. No. We had enough money. I would always steal cigarettes from that gas station. I would stick my hand behind the counter when he was pumping gas. What was the place that no matter what you were getting a lighter? 7-Eleven. Yeah. I robbed that 7-Eleven. I had 80 riders I was pissed because they used to have football teams

on the Bix I would rob the whole top floor and put them in my jacket and go home and I'd have everybody except Dallas and Philly I go I remember I asked you once I go don't you have enough lighters

and you were like I'm doing it on principle I'm like what principle well I don't think you know you know you know Josh this is what pisses me on I told my wife, I think you're going to think about it this way, too.

I'm 62 years old. Yeah. Like, I couldn't even, I cooked a hot dog this weekend without my wife. But pretty much I was scared to turn the kitchen on or anything, you know. I did some laundry and I was scared to put it in the dryer, you know, all that shit. But I'm going to tell you guys something. This is how I feel today. I don't have patience for people no more.

Yeah. because of what happened with me. I have a friend, and, you know, she contacted me a year ago about something. People might think I don't talk to it because, I don't know, I don't talk to it because she's a loser. Because after what we went through and what we saw, especially a guy like me, because remember, when I was doing Coke and working, the hardest I was working, I was not the healthiest guy.

I had a girlfriend, I had cats I had no bank account or I was getting all my clothes from Big Daddy If I got any money It went to cocaine I didn't even buy clothes underwear and socks

And then I said fuck it Why wear underwear? I save on underwear, the laundry space That's an extra quarter Because my underwear like this big You know what I'm saying? So why fuck I put three pair of pants In the suitcase

It's 80 pounds You know I'm not going to lie nobody You're 400 fucking pounds But my point is, I started comedy in 91, and my cocaine addiction was what it was. And I just came to terms of it. I said, I'm going to keep doing comedy as hard as I can. But I'm sick and tired of quitting cocaine. I'm sick and tired of quitting for three days.

Forget it. Why quit? Do what you do. Just keep it under a minimum. Just make sure you don't get into cocaine more than you do the comedy. That was my rule, okay? I can't believe that through all those addictions and all that waking up at six in the morning

and getting up, going to bed at five, getting up at six and looking at breakdowns and sending them in at nine, and you were there when I had three managers for a showcase and six agents, I would lie to all of them. Because I didn't give a fuck. And the fact that I stopped snorting at 44

and things didn't really change from me until I was about 48. And I didn't give up, and I worked with that intensity, but people are going to come to me now with a fucking story. I can't even talk to you. Never mind, look at you. I cannot talk to you. I cannot talk to people no more. When somebody says they're going to do something now, and they tap out after two months, I'm done with them as friends.

Because I can't believe that I'm 62, and I had every reason to fucking quit. GED, felon, no family And I stuck it out And motherfuckers today are like Well, you know, you know what? I ain't got time for this. Not to mention just in our Forget your personal life

Which is Which was Had horrible things happening Horrible, horrible But just your career You were told I remember man I remember too dirty

Nobody's ever going to book you dirty. You can't talk like that. When I got to LA, I was already 34. I wasn't fucking no 28-year-old good-looking kid. But also remember what you taught me. When we got to LA, we were

talking one day and you go, Joey, they don't want to listen to you until you start talking about your life. You have to draw a picture for them. And that's one thing. I didn't do. I just thought it was about jokes. And even today, I'm struggling with that. I'm having a hard time

writing about me. about my conflicts because right now listen yeah but but but but but this is a thing of my conflicts I got up a 6th I drink a cup of coffee I sat on my balcony and I look at the fucking son

you've always here's the thing you're I think it's two different things all of your material has always been very personal that doesn't mean you have to divulge something specifically personal about yourself but it's the problem

my life is so boring now there's nothing got it got it got it got it got a got it got at least we're on the road you got a story the chick was going to suck your dick halfway she passed out and puked you have something

when we did this podcast before Monday's podcast was about the week before on the road we had a great time last week in Miami holy fuck we had the red beans and rice we had the banana Nikki jumped off the building he broke his ankle. You follow me? So we moved that. So now it's like, I don't steal nothing. I don't

steal a coat. You tell me you don't steal lighters from 7-Eleven when you're going to? How can I steal now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 52 years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, once a people, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have dark moments in my life. Okay, yeah. Listen, I still double take on a purse. If I see a purse, it's unguarded, I'll look at them and go, Joey, what are you thinking? Get your shit together. I see purses with phones sticking out. You know, that was my day. I would just be clippling phone.

When I got to the store, I would go back in the morning to see who would leave their phones. And I would take them to the black bank robbers for St. Louis. And they'd give me like 50 bucks a phone. I stole everything. I'm not going to lie to nobody. Do you remember? I don't steal anymore, but I still get urges. When I see things, I go, look at these motherfuckers.

Do you remember cashing those checks? Do you remember cash in those checks? From the improv. No, no, no, no. That got sent to my box. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I had a World Fargo account that I just used to fucking stolen checks.

And had a Wells Fargold that I just used to stolen checks. Why didn't you go to a cash check taxes? Because they would take percentages out. Look, I had a check one time for Spider-Man. This is how much of a fucking Puerto Rican I am. And I'm not, I'm a, I'll tell you the truth. Talk, me and my wife were flat fucking problem. I mean, we couldn't make rent.

I'll never forget the Sunday when I, I said, you better look in here. I got my first residual friend from Spider-Man too. I looked at it, I go, because on Sunday, SAG post what you're getting that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that, right? Six o'clock.

You always look at SAG to see what, that's how broke I was. I remember checking the websites too You too? Oh, fuck And I would wait for the mailman of attention I'd be out there The little Filipino guy I'll be out there fucking No checks today

Come on check check check He would tell me no mail today Bro check in your bag There's something in there for me I'm telling you I saw it sag I would fucking fight But I never forget that Sunday When I called my wife

And I go look at this check we'll get it Like the biggest check I ever had At the point was like 300 bucks Anything And I told my wife, look at the check we're getting. We were, like, walking on fucking eggshells for three days. The check finally came. This is how much my wife trusts me.

I called my wife at 11.30 and told the check got there. She goes, I'm on a bus right now. I'm going home to get that check and cash it. So we went to Bank of America, and they wouldn't fucking... No, we went to the check cashing place. Yeah. On Hollywood Boulevard, they won at, like, $2,100, dog. And I'm thinking, that's a lot of cocaine.

That's a lot of Coke We gotta figure something out Yeah So me and my wife went to Wells Fargo I had that checking account there The cash stolen checks And I fucking And I went there

But they wouldn't The check said Joey Diaz They wouldn't cash it Me and my wife were like You better cashed his fucking check It was an $18,000 check Does your We haven't eaten

And fucking License say Joseph Jose Diaz So my wife found the check stub from SAG that said, and that's the only way they, so they let us deposit but they only gave us $1,000.

We went right to Sizzler. Right on Vanette. Yeah, it was on LaValleah. Yeah, yeah. Soggy shrimp. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. You follow that fat fuck on Instagram.

You always eat, this shit. And then he jumps in a little pool after he eats and shit. Yeah, that was us. I thought I was DJ Khali. I remember that fucking... Serloin and shit. Every time I got a check,

I take my wife there. Like, we were fucking Johnny bananas. Surloin, two tables, please. And then we got to go eat that shrimp that gives you diarrhea. Or my other celebratory spot was Acapulco. That was my joint. Oh, you could eat lunch special.

Where was that? Oh, Acapulco was the old... Come on, Josh, Wolf. In Hollywood? Two of them. The Seckmoor Tavern. Oh, right, right, right, right. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Loz de lease, or whatever that fucking was. But they had the best all you could eat. Dude, we were, I'm sorry. Cheap. $9.00. We were Boston Market. Oh, Boston Market. That's what we did.

That corner, because kids and I could go, and I could talk. Whenever I went, like, especially when I was single, I must have looked sad enough. Yeah, you were sad. Yeah. Yeah. So I must have looked sad, but they used to give. us free shit. And that's in Burbank, that one?

No, the one, the Boston Market was on, like, La Breaer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. And Suns said there's some shit. But, but, um, yeah, I, look, I, the Ralphs, the rack and row Ralphs, we used to go there three, four times a week, and the lady behind the hot counter, she just gave us food. Because she knew that she, I don't know how she knew. Oh, yeah, this guy was the kid. He's like a Puerto Rican mother at welfare.

You remember that? He brought his kids, the neighbor's kids, and everybody's crying. Everybody got a rip in their pants. I would wipe dirt on their face and shit. Oh, please, a little dirt. Tell them they weren't getting Christmas presents this year. They're all looking depressed and shit. But what was no joke was that car with no air conditioning, that fucking Saturn.

We took a road trip to. Lake Havasu. That's right. And this motherfucker put Vizzi. in his eyeballs. The sun was shining right on it. We have no air in the car. The sun is right on it.

The sunroof was open. So it's in a thing. This motherfucker puts Vizena's eyes all of a sudden you hear. Ah! Yeah. Fucking hilarious. What was funny is that you saw me

doing it and didn't stop me. Yeah, he was just like, no, this is too fucking good right here. Were you driving the car? Yeah. The Red Saturn. That Red Saturn drove it down from Seattle. I think I bought it.

I think I might have bought it up there. But yeah, because in Seattle, we didn't need air conditioning. No, you didn't need air conditioning. I always need fucking air conditioning. I like to be cold. I don't like that shit, people. Oh, you don't need air conditioning. Fuck you.

Oh, the wind blows. Yeah, yeah, good. That's great. I know about you, and I was fat, it was scary enough driving with you, just because of the speed and the music, but it was being, like, freezing, and you would have the A-C and the windows open

going 90 on the highway. I'd have to bring sweat, you'd be like, why do you have to sweat, because I'm driving with you? I'll tell you something else. You can tell who you're getting in the car with by how somebody buckles their seatbelt, but you buckle your seatbelt with intention.

Like you should, like you're... Use it. Yeah, you're like, hey, everybody else, get ready. So I get the three accidents every day. Look at my car. The right side, I got scratches. I don't get. And the funny thing is, honest to God, I don't give a fuck.

Because I know my wife will buy me another one. But the best. She buys them, I smash him. That's the motto of the Diaz house. You buy him, I smash him. What's the best car ride of all time is Brody in the backseat of his own car. Oh, my God. got rest of soul.

Driving to Olympia. No, the other place. Was it not Olympia? City, something, island, something? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where the bar, when he got up and said there's no Jews on the wall? I'm not coming back to me. Driving down the wrong way down, one way.

Tell me, motherfucker, I'm not going to make it down an hour and a half. I was making it down an hour and a half every day. And he's like, no, it takes three hours. Well, let me drive your car. I did 90 on the way down there. And we put him in the back on the trunk. Do you remember what he said to you when he got out of the car? People don't live this way?

He goes, this, we get into the parking lot. Gig Harbor! Gig Harbor! And he gets out of the car, and he goes, this is not how I live my life. And then, I didn't see it. And then we moved to L.A. Then we moved to L.A.

Yeah? And when that I'm a coaching horse is with Carol. By the way. And another blonde stripper. Carol. one of my favorite oh favorite favorite okay but can i tell you she's still my favorite though she said to me one night in seattle is in the underground because i know at what level you must have just torture her torture her she said to me really in the underground one night and she looks at me

and she grabbed my hand she squeezed it and she goes talk up god damn she goes she she squeezes my hand and we're in the underground and she goes he's driving me crazy And I was just like, no, yeah, he's in. I was like, oh, he's fucking, you know. When she calls me now, we're always talking. She goes, you know, I really love you, what you put me through. But we put each other through. Yeah.

But I was thinking, today you mentioned the hurricane ball. The which one? The hurricane ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You left like September of 97, of 96. Right before Jacob was born. I got down there. January, February of 97.

So you left, and I was pissed. I'm like, this motherfucker left me alone up here. And I was selling advertising for pizza companies for $15 an hour that was paying me. It was a new company that were going to advertise during football games and pop so you could order delivery. Where were you living? I was living.

I had no fucking idea. And a car or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was working at this place. and I got my first check for 600 bucks and I was so fucking excited I could get the move to LA now and again I called Carol

and she's like I'll pick you up we're gonna go cash that check you owe me $184 from you know it was always I owed it or something the cheapest human so I get in the fucking car with her and she gets the check and when she goes I'm gonna cash it

I'm only gonna give you a hundred bag of Carol don't start your shit okay this bitch I say something to her she takes that check, rips it up and throws it in my face. And I grab it by the fucking hair.

Right in the car. I'm like, Carol, are you fucking crazy? This is all the money I had you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I just grabbed it by the wig. I just grabbed and pulled her hair real hard. You motherfucker. How dare you? And she's like, I'm calling the police. And she

called the cops on the car wash. And I'm like, fucking bitch. But was this pre? the restraint the this is at the end this is after this is what about the time I was fucking on the ecstasy and I got caught in the restraining going

and I hit under the bed and the cops coming and the bed is going up and down it was just going the mattress because the mattress everything and the cops like come off from under the bed yeah this was years of listen I'm going to tell you something I'm 62 I said earlier

for the last five years I just been trying to figure out what happened you know what I'm saying I got out here, 59 years old, I had money in the bank and I just want to figure out what the fuck happened and I wrote that book with that girl. And I still think of every day what the fuck happened. And how did this happen? How am I 62? It was just 1995. We're jumping up and down in Seattle with the lip, Robin Seafs.

The lip, Franklin, the lip. Bro, you got me that apartment upstairs and in the morning they only had a bathroom and the bathroom was clogged, I'd have to take a shit off the fire escape. No, you... Yes, I did. And I would sit there and it was like the third floor and I'd put my...

It'd be 8 in the morning, there'd be nobody out there and I'd take a shit and the shit you can see it flying down like... I know exactly, yeah. This is fucking endless. Like, this

is fucking endless. Like, this is endless. I lived in an office, and I talked some guy into fucking the book guy, the bookie guy that didn't want to pay me. Yeah? I kept beating him and shit. And I got this other guy. I met this other guy at his restaurant, and he gave me free phone lines. 1-800 numbers.

Ah, Josh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was going to happen to me. And then I had a guy that wanted to put bets in it. He lost every week. And every week I would just take his $300. And he would tell me, I want to meet the bookie.

You don't need to meet the bookie. And you and me were going somewhere. He didn't want to pay us. And I said, you don't want to give me the money. Don't give me the money. But this guy's going to come looking for you. He's going to break your fucking head. Okay, I'll give you the money, but I'm not betting no more until I met the bookie.

He wanted to meet the guy. Yeah, yeah. He wanted to meet the bucket. There's no bookie. There's no man behind the curtain. It's Uncle Joey. You're a loser. You're going to lose everything you put in.

I'm taking that chance on you. I remember saying to you, I was like, you don't have the money to cover if he wins. And you're like, he's not going to win. I was like, what do you mean? And you're like, no, he's not going to win. He's never, you were like, he's a loser. There's no way he's ever going to win. I remember that dude.

I had the weirdest fucking, like, life in Seattle. Then I hooked up with that dude. I used to live, oh, that's what I was living with. The last three months I lived in L.A., I lived with the cook. You lived with, not Leonard. Rodney, whatever his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I can't remember.

He's my brother. Yeah. This dude was solid. He had an apartment with a broken window. And in the winter, you were freezing there. But he would invite me. You don't want to, because if I, he started, I started staying there. Lyle.

Lyle. No, no, no. His name's not Linal? No, no. I started staying with him when you lived in Bremerton because it was too late to take the bus. Oh, but you got to take a bus to where you and the Leah live. So he would say, just stay with me.

Bro, this guy was a one-man wrecking crew at night. He turned into like a fucking animal. He lived in a warehouse, okay? And I'll never forget. He's like, stay here. I'm freezing, no heat, no nothing. There's a broken window, a training, and also, people throw rocks to this window.

Hey, can I come up and smoke crack? I'd wake up, and there's three black guys in my living room with no lights on, with candles, smoking crack. I go, what the fuck is this? One night I went up there, and he's like, you want to go to a party upstairs? I go, yeah, went upstairs to a party, and there was like 10 girls.

There was a girl dancing in a cage. and shit. I'm like, fuck, you I thought his name was Ron. I go, you got it going on. Really good guy. It wasn't Lionel? Lionel. Lionel. No, it's Lionel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lionel. So this guy comes in with a white jacket

on, with a hot chick, and he's talking about I'm the mayor of Seattle. You knew him. He was like, I'm the mayor, I'm the mayor, I'm the mayor. So they got Coke out. Was it John Eagle? I don't know. They got Coke out. But somebody had a little heroin out. And this fucking guy

there's a pole like poles it's a warehouse so there's no it was that was it downtown yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah right behind where that band where Hart used to play I went to some parties

there yeah yeah yeah yeah and it was a warehouse and you had to take a shower in the hallway fucking great yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm up there one day and this guy comes in like 40s I'm the mayor of Seattle and I'm all right and he there's a pole I'll never forget this and there's two mirrors on the

table, whatever. And there's coke and there's heroin. He thought it was the coke. So he took the heroin. And he did the whole line of heroin. He's like, ah! And he's making all these noises. And all of a sudden, you see the heroin hit him, and he holds on to the beam. And all a sudden you see him, hold the beam, and he just starts spinning around the beam. And he just falls, man. He just falls. And I did some of that heroin that night. It was like a little line. Anyway, next month I work up at Lionels. It's like 10 in the morning on a Sunday. And the shower was in the hallway. It was just a metal shower that you went into, and there was a wall. And as I was waiting to get into the shower, I had done so much heroin like before, I just passed out.

And went right through the wall. It was like that scene in Bruce Lee when he kicks the guy through the wall. And you see an implant of the guy with his hands like that? That's what it looked like? Lionel came out. He's like, what's that noise? I was in the fucking wall, and the wall had nothing. The other side had the metal beams. I cut my shoulder.

I was bleeding. He's like, you got to go to a doctor. What happened? I go, I'm dog. We were doing heroin last night I was doing drugs for two fucking days

yeah no that place was crazy I went to a couple parties there that place is crazy but the people who would just

who he was completely cool with anybody who walked in the door yeah he didn't give a fuck not he can give a fuck no no he was renting it was his apartment

he lived there he lived there it was a warehouse that had different rooms and you could and I mean you could just pull it was like this

that's the doors but but it It was like... It was like that. Dude, and I remember one of the parties I said because there was somebody shooting up in the back.

Oh, yeah! And I was, I asked flying. I go, who are that? And he goes, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. He was like, I don't know. Yeah.

That was a bizarre time, man. I don't know. When I look back at that, the beginning of L.A., the end of Colorado, I'm like, what the fuck was that? Like that? I have to.

admit like I enjoyed my I the type of material that I was writing back then when I look back at it did I tell you that that first CD that I recorded I

reshot I rewrote the entire CD and I shot it when I was in Nashville I took all the same premises and I was like let's just see what comes out now yeah it's pretty interesting And so I did that, but like, wait a second, why was I talking about that? These mushrooms are starting to creep up on me a little bit.

You're what? What were you talking about? It was beginning of L.A. and of Seattle. Oh, I, when I look back at my old material, there was a, there was a bite to it when I look at my material now that isn't there. No, no. My early material had a real, like, a real. light to it. We were hungry.

There was no food in the refrigerator. It was a real bite. There was no food in the refrigerator. No, you were working for turkey burgers, dude. There's no reason to stay home. Like, I still remember living in Boulder and going, I need the money, but I don't really need the TV. Yeah.

I'm selling it. What I need a TV for? I don't need a fucking TV. I'm trying to do stand-up comic. I removed all that shit from my life. I was like, I don't want to watch TV no more. That's it. It's over.

I'm just doing. stand up. And that's how I lived. That was, bro, for somebody such a junkie, I had such a great discipline. I always looked at things as the discipline to it. And I forced myself to it. When I used to drop my daughter off on Wednesdays and my ex-wife would bust my balls, I would go get in the car and cry. And the only reaction I would have was to go buy a gram of Coke, snort, and then go shoot them. I said, no, Joe Diaz, you're going to take this pain and go do comedy. And I would roll a joint, leave it in the ashtray. I would cry, I would sit there, I'm going to stab these motherfuckers one day. I would smoke that joint and force myself to do comedy. That's a discipline. I wasn't going to let depression or none of that. This is comedy, guys.

This is a business. You know, and that's what I don't think people today understand. And they're not allowed to understand it because now, as an open micer, you're not just a comic. But, dude, you're... People are posting material. Two years into stand-up. Two years, two months. And they're just posting, it's too early.

It's too early. You're not, but this is the thing, dude. There's nothing down. You and I wanted to be great comics. That's the thing. It's just evolved. They want to be comics, kind of, but more importantly, they want to be famous on social media.

And so like that wasn't even something that But you were also dude Not even You were more about doing the stand-up Than getting a TV show You wanted to do stand-up Comedy which was different Because when we were coming up

I guess our Our version of the internet was the sitcom Everybody was trying to You know I fall into that Tom Rhodes, Tom Rhodes Margaret Cho The Spanish Kid You know

But that's how you sold tickets, dude. That's how you sold tickets. Well, listen, I didn't want, listen, I always, I always knew to specify goals. I never wanted a TV show, and I never put late night TV comedy sets on my goal list. Dude, listen. Because I wasn't going to go through that. I wasn't going to let you tell me what I could say. Also. So I never thought a letterman. That wasn't even in my mind. Like, why think about something that you're not going to want to do? And I knew that four years in. The one time you did late night TV

on my show, they had to cut three quarters of what you said. So all you saw was me introduce him and then say, and let's thank my guests, and then he popped up again. That was funny. It was amazing.

But the things I decided early on. Yeah? Like the things I decided early on was I'm not even going to worry about that. I know. Why worry about that? It's not in my future. And I knew I'm not an idiot. I knew that anything big in Hollywood, so many stars have to align.

You know, people think, oh, I hit 40 home runs in minor leagues, so I'm going to be in the major leagues. So many things. You know, what's he hit every year, Judge? 60 home runs? 3.50? Can't win a fucking World Series. What good is it?

You know, but that's not my point. My point is that I didn't want a TV show. I didn't want the Joey Deer show. That was not going to happen. That's too many things, too much to worry about, and I got a job to do to be funny. So while I'm thinking about the Joey Deer show, I'm not being funny. I'm thinking about characters and who my mother's going to be and who my uncle. I don't want that.

I made in my mind in 2000 that I wasn't going to go to Montreal. CA wasn't going to sign me, so I had to do what I did best. I wasn't good looking. I wasn't young. I had nothing going for me. I had stage presents, and I had the comedy store. That's it. In 1999, I had two things. Stage presence and the comedy store.

Material was one star, delivery was two stars, and I know this. And that's why when my car apartment got towed, what did I do? I disappeared. I was already a regular at all three clubs, and I said, this is not. My development is so bad, I made this call when, what's the name's car, car got to. Yeah, man. I didn't, nobody came up to me and said, Joey. Yeah.

I think, no, I made the call. I go, you know what, it's time for me to go on the road. And I'm talking about, and you know, remember, I would go for nine months. Nine months. No, come home, buy clothes on the road, send home a box to Gavin's. That was my life. I didn't care about anything else. There was nothing else.

The bus ride to the gig Yoder I had everybody in my pocket Yoder The fucking creative Who I just talked to last week What's his name? Call me for something

Garcia The guy that who did what The guy on Charlotte Oh Great guy Great guy The comedy's owned down there Yeah

He owned all the I was in with them I was in And I just said I'm just gonna fucking Whatever they give me There was no ego I'm at the comedy store

But I'll tell you what You got an MC spot for me Give it to me You got a feature spot for me? Give it to me. You want to call that align me? Give it to me.

I took anything I could because I knew it was all going to this. There was no ego. What am I going to sit there and go? I'm really a feature act. If they want them, have seen me? Not to know what I'm seeing me. But do you think, dude? No.

They don't know that. But do you think that you almost had to, with who you are, you've never changed who you are? No. But in order for, for more people to accept you, this character of, not character,

but just the term Uncle Joey. Yeah. Changed so much, dude, because, you know, I was, I forget I was telling these guys earlier. I remember watching you as a young dude

on the stage at the underground. And you'd always been so charming on stage, but you were, the way you moved and how young you were, and you were the, you were angry, you made some people uncomfortable. Oh yeah, I was really angry. I had nothing to be happy about it.

But this is what I'm saying. I had no money, no daughter, no family, no divorce, no nothing. But then this, as you age, as you get older, it fits so much better. And like it was not as threatening. Young Joe Diaz on stage, the way you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, dude, the way you paste and you were a,

I tell people, man, I remember, late night there was a basketball court in Bellevue when you used to live in the backyard and we'd go out when we walked Bud and we'd shoot hoops every now and then but I remember the first time I shot hoops here I was like oh this is an athletic motherfucker yeah and so the way you you were what 220 or 230 30 30 up there the way you used to pace that stage early I just saw this today I just saw this today that's crazy you said that

because this is one of Carol's pictures She just sent me this about three weeks ago. Because she's moving and she found boxes. She said, what the fuck is it? I saw this picture. Was it the... Me holding a dog? No.

Holy shit. You and her in the three-piece suit on the stage at the Comedy Underground. Oh, he was, he had his three-piece suit on. Yeah, dude. That was like, when they would give us a Wednesday or a Tuesday night at the club, that was a huge night. But he was headlines, so he went three-piece suit. Hell yeah.

McSawley, we would go to that place afterward. You know, and that's what I told people. The camaraderie was different. It was $10 to get it in the underground. If 50 people went, what was that? $500. $500. They took a percentage out, and then we'd take the rest and chop it up.

Instead of giving each other money, we would go to McCormick and Schmit. Yeah. In the fucking one. Cheeseburgers, French fries, Coca-Cola in a bottle, clams on the assort. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go to San Jose is to pay my respect to original Joe's,

but the first place I eat is McCormick and Schmitz because of how they treated me in 1995. If there's the McCormick and Schmitz, I'll go in there. But you love that. Because how they treated us, we had $0.00 and they had a $2 dollar menu. If you had $10 in McCormick and Schmitz, you ate like a fucking king of those days. By the way, that food was good, too. Yeah, 4 to 7.

Legit. Yeah, it was good food. 4 to 1. 10 to 1. Yeah. 4 to 7 and 10 to 1. And we always went in there making sure we had tip money because it was embarrassing if you couldn't fucking tip them.

I was telling these guys. the story about you you being my security guard at the fetish night and those two old dudes dressed like Scarlet O'Hara and I asked you to throw them out and they were hitting you with their parasols

on the way out and you were laughing and then you called him you were like those two queens kept hitting me with their umbrellas ah it was a fetish night And I was a fucking horny motherfucker. I had a girlfriend who would let me fuck her daily.

Like, I dated that girl, and I gotta be honest with you. I fucked her every day except for periods. You're talking about Carol? Carol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got my monies where from Carol. I fucked her every single day like a fucking animal, ass tits, every day, once in the afternoon, and one at night.

That was a fucking sexual deviant. But I'll never forget he had those nights. And I go, let me go down there and get that. that my dick sucked by a chick with leather on. Let me tell you something. These were the ugliest women I had seen it all my life. Ugly.

I remember one night they had a girl on a pool table. She was fat as fuck. They were melting on her. Do you remember? Oh, my God. Her boyfriend was skinny and he was licking her toes. And I'm like,

there was a side room. So you paid $50 to get in, but there was a side room that you had to pay extra money in. And there was a glass table and like some dudes paid extra to watch chicks shit

on the table and they would slide underneath. Is this something that the bar owner knew you were doing? Yeah. You remember?

Well, he didn't know that room. He didn't know that room. He didn't, he just knew, was it, his name was Aki? Huh?

The Japanese day was the name Aki, right? Aki, Aki, yeah. And so he knew the upstairs. He didn't really know what was going on probably too much in the downstairs.

The security of anything is one of the funny things. Like, like, Security, like... And I was security at the same bar I rubbed. Yeah, yeah. A year later, I had to take the safe out of that by myself.

Fucking, you know, and this is what I tell people. How much money, how many quarters was it? Six hundred dollars in quarters. Here's what I, here's... We did laundry for a year. Here's what I forget, though. I forget. How heavy that fucking thing was.

But did I have the... Did I have the combination? How did you get... You said you had it, and then you said, I forgot it. Yeah, yeah. How did you? Like, you and the lip had to open it, right? I opened it.

me dog if there's a world I was there at 4 in the morning kink kink with a pencil and a fucking hammer I'll do anything

it was that was and then we threw the safe in the lake nobody could carry it and shit dog

do you understand the open mic life I had I really had a good open mic life but those Mondays and Tuesdays at the underground

were legendary brilliant brilliant I can't I cannot thank Carl and Ron enough for doing that

there was no it's impossible to explain how much growth happened on those Mondays and honestly when he let you host those nights because you were you were

encouraged or you were people knew you were going to fuck with the comic who just came off stage you were going to roast him a little bit that's kind of how it went when I first started going and Oshack was hosting the comedy store he would roast everybody everybody what a great kid oh shak but that that that time of playful kind of fuck around with each other so i didn't when i hosted i always

tortured people towards the stage let's keep it going for the hat you know whatever let's keep it going for the feather to joke that bombed you go up there and repeat it you know an impersonation he did that's your favorite one ever was that guy who is doing terrible impersonate and you just screamed, do your impersonation of a comic. You can see him crack on the stage. He would go up every Tuesday, every Monday and go, hi, this is my impersonation of a flower.

And he would turn around. Yeah, and he'd turn around and go, this. And then he would turn back like this. There was another guy that went up on stage with a handcuff. He killed himself two years later. Whatever, the kid with the blood. black suit that had body odor. It was insane. The open mic scene, we had the first transvestite. Like all these people talk about trannies and stuff. We were running with the first

transgender in 1995. I got her picture in my phone. I, did I show it to? Yeah, yeah. Look at the size of her head. She had, okay? I was there when she called, I was there when she called the fucking White House. She called the what? The White House. I want to talk to the president because the The bar in, what was that town that were Carol stripped? Ballard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ballard. We were in Ballard one night, and we were up on,

I was hosting or something, or she was up there, and she was doing jokes, and then she said, fuck, and the guy came up and took the mic from her and said, no, you cannot say fucking here. This is family. And we go, no, no, give her back the mic. She'll be clean, and she went right back to fuck and suck. So he goes, everybody out, get out.

So she had like a bag of coke and a bunch of pills. We went over to her house and were snorting coke and shit. And she's like, I don't understand why they don't let me say fuck. And I'm like, I don't know, Rita. Cut another line. And she's like, I don't get it. And I'm like, listen, if you got a problem, call the president. And she goes, I guess I will.

And she picked up the phone and started calling, can I get the White House with? And I'm like, Rita. And she's like, I want to talk to the president. They won't let me do dirty jokes. Hello? Hello? Hello? And they hung up on them.

And she called back. And when she called back, I'm like, I'm going to start taking this coat and some of these pills. Someone's coming. Because they're coming. They'll come. Something's coming. And sure enough, as I jumped in the car, the cops are coming down the block. I just, I can't believe you're leaving me.

Yeah, because the cops are gone no way. And you got $10,000 worth of the pills here. Your, okay. You, in the many years that we've known each other, You haven't gotten me quite as good, but when Rita O. died, and I asked you, how did she die? You had me believing that because her head was so big... Yeah, she fell off a speaker. That's what really happened.

Because her head... Listen, her head was so big because she was a small Japanese man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a small Japanese man, and then she became a woman and put a wig on. So the head stayed big, but her body lost all the weight. So she had this head that she would fall once a month and have to go to the hospital and an ankle and all that shit. She really fell off the speaker?

And she was dancing at that bar, the gay bar in Capitol Hill. And she fell off the speaker and she banged that. She went to a comb and she died. But she came to Laleigh one time and she started getting snippy with me. I ordered 500 bucks and I wasn't going to pay her, right? I owed a 500 bucks from headshots or something. And she's like, I want my money. And she started yelling at me in my house

because she was a carol. And I was making tomato soup. You ever hear about that story? You did tell me this story. And I threw the tomato soup on both of them. I just said, shut the fuck up. There was tomato soup everywhere. The walls, the table, the fucking carpet.

And you did over her the money? Huh? And you did it over the money? Did what? You owed her the money? I owed her the money. And she's like, where am I getting my money? I said, soon.

When I get the check, and she's like, I want it today. I go, you can't get it today. I'm not getting paid. until they send me the fucking check. And she kept harping on me. And then Carol's like, you should pay her. I go, Carol, you're my girlfriend. Do I have any fucking money?

How do you want to pay me? I go, why don't you fucking pay her? Yes, she's got that. And I'll pay you. And she's like, no, okay, then fuck you. You got to wait for my check. And they kept haunting me, and I was making tomato soup. Here is tomato prison soup, not even like good soup.

It's Campbell's canned shit. And I'm like, you want to bust my balls about fucking 500 bucks? I'm eating fucking soup. And they're like, well, you're not going to get bread. What? just threw the fucking soup and everybody. Let me ask you.

What, that tomato soup? That tomato soup? Man, I remember that she was so cheap, by the way. Oh, she's the cheapest ever. So you used to collect call me at work

because she was too cheap to accept it. The collect call. So I had to do it at where I worked so she would come in and talk to in the phone. Look, she's a multi-millionaire. Cheap, cheap, whatever the fuck you want to call it.

She's a more... I don't even think she buys tampons. She's that cheap. She's just supposed to put the fucking piece of cotton enough snatch. I don't know. She's cheap, though.

Multi-million? Bro. But she never spent a dime, dude. No, listen, we're going to wrap this up, but let me close up with the Carol's story. Carol and me broke up in 99. All right.

And I think we played a around, no, in 99, I moved in with her for a while. Like I just lived with her. She lived in a one bedroom, and I just told I'm moving in. She was dating a guy. She was asleep at his house. I remember that. And then she'd come back and get naked in front of me.

Yeah, I remember that. And she made me help and dye her pussy hair one night. Blonde. I mean, Carol is the best, thought. That's my girl, okay? So she started meeting some other guy. She met some other guy in LA. And then that guy tied her up and was going to kill her.

And SWAT came. SWAT had to come and shoot the guy and then he went to jail for a year and she moved to Florida when she got to Florida she met an Indian guy granted she was probably 32 33

she meets this Indian guy who's 70 after about a month she marries him and after three weeks that motherfucker dies I remember that dude and left of like 800,000 Okay, you know, you leave with cheap bits like now. Do you think she stopped stripping and sucking dick?

Oh, no. She still was stripping at her age. She did something very smart. She bought into a gym called Curbs for ladies. She bought one gym, and she was such a good saleswoman. Her volume compared to the other gyms in Michigan were nothing. Like, she's such a good, she's been selling pussy she's eight. You know what I'm saying?

on the farm. So think about her salesmanship skills. She bought one more, and then she bought one more, and then the guy that was the leader of that said, buy all of them. And she bought all of them. And then she sold them.

And she got like $4 million back, or $5 million. And she took that money and moved to Florida and started buying Airbnbs and selling them. So she's got like 18 Airbnbs. No, she does not.

And then she married the dude. She had two kids with a dude, and they were doing Coke and he ran over a cop so he had to leave the country he's in Greece, he can't come back so he raises the kids long distance with her

from Greece through messages through the mother Yeah, maybe I did maybe I saw him when I was over there dog when I met him when she introduced him to me she made him buy me an eight ball and I'll compadre

that's how much I love Carol she's like buy him an eight ball And the guy's like, why? Buy him a fucking April. He bought me in April. That's Cowell. That's why I love Cali. Fuck.

The El Compagre was a crazy place. Oh, my God, dude. She still has the best line in the world. She came home one day and she goes, you're not going to believe what happened to me at work today. I go, what? She goes, a truck driver wanted to lick my asshole for $60. I go, did you do it?

She goes, no, I didn't want coffee. breath in my ass. She was dead serious. She was dead serious. I just looked at her like I would let them lick my ass for 60 bucks. I would have gave more than coffee breath, you know what I'm saying? So you have

no idea. I remember putting a bottle of not martini and Rossi the other one, the wine cool and the pussy one day. We were at a The Bartles and James? Bartles and James. We were at a fucking resort,

and it was a cave where people couldn't see in, but water was running. And we got into an argument, and she was laying there with a bottle. I was drinking the wine cooler, and she's laying that way reading the book with her ass out. So I'm like, look at her ass. I took the corn, and there was no wine cooler left,

and I started rubbing her ass with the bottle tip, and then I fucking was robbing her monkey with the bottle tip. And then I just slid over the panties and started working with the bottle, like a fucking animal. that I am. My dick started getting hard, and I'm working with that bottle, and I'm pumping my hips, and I'm like, I'm gonna kill this bitch with this bottle. And she's like, ah, ah, and she's yelling, and I'm fingering with the bottle, and I'm getting all excited.

And all of a sudden I hear, and a bunch of blood shoots in the fucking bottle, because the suction from the bottle pulled her old period out. It was like brown blood, and I just dropped the bottle. Did you faint? Fainted like a motherfucker. She's trying to wake me up. People had to come over, and what happened? No, he fainted. The fucking bottle had blood on it. I thought I broke a pussy with the bottle. I thought it broke and it cut a pussy. But it was brown blood.

It was that nausea. Do you still faint with blood? I did for the ear surgery. Yeah. Like when they took, when the lady took the butt. I only fainted because the fat chubby chick had sourcrow breath and she was breathing on me and I could smell it. And I'm like, I'm getting anxiety.

This chubby chick is breathing sourcrow. breath at my fucking when's the special come out, Dorse. What's today? When does this come out? Tomorrow. Oh, it's out today. All right. It drops today. So tomorrow you can wake up in the morning and watch Josh Wolf's

new special on YouTube. Where are you at this week? San Antonio. I'm in San Antonio this week with Jacob. Comedianjoshwulf.com for all the rosa. And where are you this weekend? On Friday, I'm in Oxford, Mississippi, and Saturday I'm in Memphis. You're definitely getting mugged this weekend.

There ain't no Jews in Memphis, and there ain't no Jews in Mississippi. When are you touring next? I go to 23rd Parks, 6th, Florida, 28th, the Dojo Comedy for another bucket chaos. And this Thursday, I'm at the Dojo Comedy, and I just added September 5th at Uncle Vinnie's, which they have like four tickets left, so get them now while tickets are hot, whatever. the fuck. I'm just trying to get loose for September 6th and then... Why, what's September 6th? That's the gig.

Oh, that's the gig, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. So I got Philly the week before, and then we... Do you know what it feels like, what the 45 minutes feels like right now? Nah. I don't even... Yeah, but I don't even know what the 45 minutes

is anymore. Like, that was then, this is now. I'm starting with a whole new set for this. From Florida? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to try it. Why not? Do some Spanish shit, pull up a story or two. I got to get vulnerable again.

So I got to figure this shit out. But good luck on the special. Thank you, dude. Good luck in Memphis, Cocksucker, and Mississippi. You're going to need it. Wait until you go to Memphis. You see black people with red eyeballs and shit. Because they don't play in Memphis.

They're those angry brothers. You know what I'm saying? They're angry. Do not bring the Yamika down there. Don't not bring a Yamika down there. No. Because you will not make it back. I love you, motherfuckers.

Have a great week. And don't forget, football season is around the corner. We got good news coming for you. Stay black. Have a great week. And we'll see you next week. Tip, Top Magoo. Love you.

Thank you.