Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Kick that mule Lee!

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt Solo! Joey and Lee talk about how much their lives have changed on the five year anniversary of the pandemic, Joey tells Lee where he almost moved instead of New Jersey, and Joey busts Lee's balls like the old days. Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. To get started, visit https://www.bluechew.com Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app and using code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/diaz  

What's happening you savages? Happy belated St. Paddy's Day. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Tuesday the 18th of March, the church new testament is here. What's up beautiful people? Uncle Joe here. If you want the maximum out of your sex life, you need BlueChu Max. It combines the active ingredients like Viagra and Cialis into one chewable tablet. BAM! This baby's gonna get the job done for you quickly. It acts fast and it seriously lasts. And if that's not enough, Bluechoose Online Service sends your ED meds right to your door. Nobody knows nothing. You talk to the doctor. He approves it in two days. And listen, in three days you'll be jumping up and down with a new Margarita you know what I'm talking about getting started is easy and

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So do yourself a favor. Go to blue chew and press in promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y, and just pay five hours for shipping to get that party started. You understand me? That girl will be fucking jumping up and down when you get through with that blue Chew pill. That's promo code Joey. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. Like don't eat 10 of them, you know what I'm saying? Then you'll really fucking knock people out. And I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the show. Welcome back to church. We're back bitches. It's a beautiful Tuesday to be alive. It's just me and Lee today.

Just how you like it. You know, you guys, you put a fucking girl on here, you don't like her, you put a penguin on here, you don't like him. You know, you guys don't like nobody. Who's the penguin? Huh? Who is the penguin? I don't fucking know.

I get emails, why'd you put the girl on? What the fuck? How many boys can you put the girl? What the fuck? How many boys can you put on here? How many? How much dick can you smell? You know what I'm saying? You got to bring a woman in here to give it that fucking touch from time to time. I love having women in here because listen, I learned from them. She was great last week. Yeah. So was the Italian princess came in here and enlightened us.

You guys are in. Why does it have to be a girl on this show? Well, it's better than looking at a fucking guy all night. Right? What the fuck is wrong with you people? But anyway, the co-host tonight is the man himself. He was a little fucked up the last two shows. But I wonder why. Today he went to a rehab, he went to a meeting

and he's making a strong comeback. I wonder why. What the fuck you think this is? This is the church. This ain't no fucking daycare. Yeah, we come here to get down. This ain't no you know Why are you saying I was like it's like a big mystery why I was fucked up I'm going around New York I said ugly I gave him two grams of money. No you did not maybe two and a half maybe two and a half two grams of mushrooms. No, you did not two grams.

Maybe two and a half, maybe two and a half. First of all, you send me pictures of a scale, because I told you, I've been taking three grams on the road for a year. I know what it looks like, and it doesn't look like those. Well, it's time to break that. Three grams is time to... Well, then tell me what I'm taking.

How many times? Don't say I'm taking a gram when I know I'm taking three fucking grams. How many times can you eat three fucking grams? And then, last week was the best. We got them on a timer now. You faked a timer. We got him on a timer now. You don't think the timer. There's no timer. Because it is the biggest story. Also he wants to tell you stories. No, I didn't want to tell. First of all.

I'll fucking give him a cheeseburger. He'll wolf that thing down. Okay? Give him a mushroom. He's looking around. Yeah. I think anyone watching this would wolf down a cheeseburger before watching. Last week we brought the meatballs from speciality meatball kin out in Rutherford this fucking guy. I Go get a piece of bread with a meatball. Just put the mushroom in there. What does he do? He's sitting there cutting the meatball Every week just now we gave him two little pieces. Two little pieces. And three pieces of chocolate.

Guys. Listen, my lawyer's here. I ate the fucking two grams and the chocolate before him. And that's a fact. He was still over there looking around, dropping it. Yeah, cause you eat the mushrooms dry. He squeezes it with his fucking. Because you've been on hospital food for a month.

Juicy fucking sweaty hands. You know, what the fuck you think is gonna happen? I never said that. You don't eat mushrooms quicker than me. You do eat mushrooms quicker than me. I eat everything quicker than you, but when it comes down to a cheeseburger, you fucking beat me or a pizza. So I told him, I said, listen,

you wanna eat the mushroom with no drama? Put it in the pizza and fold it. I do it all. Where's the pizza? I don't see any pizza. Well, when we have pizza, you're like, I don't know. And then he eats these 25 milligrams when he's not in training. That's all they sell. You can't get, all right, no, hold on.

You tell you every week, take edibles, take edibles, and the strongest they sell in the, between Massachusetts and New York is 25 a piece. Maybe a 50. Well then you take eight of them. I've been taking at least, not eight. He takes them with his girlfriend, they rub each other's back.

We don't rub our back. And they watch some fucking movie on Lifetime or some shit. First of all, Lifetime has some good programming. Okay. Don't tell me. We got no Lifetime here. We go for the kill here, Lee. This is the kill shot.

Yeah, but I'm also out every night. I can't go out. What the hell? Fucked up every night. What the fuck? Yesterday I had a half a chocolate bar. I buy those GMO things. A little syringe.

I can't smoke anymore So I went to the wheat store a couple weeks ago and he goes Joey if you can't smoke Put the syringe in with that GMO indica. Oh the RSO. Holy shit. That's good. I just had that dog I've been putting it on the other Last day it was like 70 degrees out. I Sat there from one to five. My wife left. They went to do a thousand things.

They came back. I was still sitting there. She's like, you're enjoying the sun, huh? I go, I'm too fucked up to get up. What enjoying the sun? I'm fucked up. I was fucked up out there just in my little rocking chair. The cat kept coming out, I would pet him,

then he'd go in, then he'd come out. Daddy, come back. No, I'm too fucking high. I wanna see the devil, that's training on a Tuesday. Yeah, okay, that's great for you. That's, first of all, I have a day job, second, which is fine, but I also, I'm out on the... Everyone, you keep telling people to mug me.

I'm not home by 9.30. I'm never home by 9.30. 9.30, mama gives you cookies and rubs your feet. No, I'm not home by 9.30. Jesus Christ. 9.30. I haven't been home in 9.30 in six months. I'm back.

I'm home now. It's fucking 9.30. What the fuck? Golly's at midnight, cocksucker. Oh, 9.30. He lives a good life, this fucking dude. I do. I do.

I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home now. It's fucking 930. What the fuck? Gollies at midnight, cuck sucker. Oh, 930. He lives a good life, this fucking dude. Yeah, clearly. Unbelievable. I do live a good life, but I'm also not home at 930. Yes, you are. Detaking five milligrams. I am not. Last night, yesterday, I didn't do shit Friday night and I didn't do shit Saturday. So Sunday I woke up, I go, I'm going deep today. I went to the gym, I did this thing I had a half a bar with that fucking I put the whole syringe on I'm up to the whole syringe and I just how long has it been a week 35 just one big fucking squirt

I ate that chocolate. Let me tell you something then I went to my buddy's and I brought mushrooms with me and I ate it with a corned beef sandwich with the cabbage I was fucked up last night. I woke up this morning. I couldn't even talk. I was so fucked up And I got right back up washed my pussy And I got out there before I went to the dentist. I went to the gym rode the bike I was a little dizzy from the thc. Yeah when I got to the dentist even my friend said to me Joey you look a little out of it today and I told I grew up with it so I don't have to lie to it. I said I got fucked up last night. First of all, for everyone who doesn't know this is what they give cancer patients and how long is that tube supposed to last?

Two days. No it is not two days. Whatever. Second of all, this is why you have such a high tolerance. They don't give those to cancer patients. Yes they do give that's exactly what it's for. This is why medical marijuana exists. high tolerance. They don't give those to cancer patients. Yes they do give, that's exactly what it's for. This is why medical marijuana exists. At least I won't get cancer.

You know what I'm saying? I'm way ahead of fucking David. Okay, so you gotta beat the cancer. So why let it get to you, then you gotta start doing the tube. Beat it now. This is not to beat cancer. Well, what do you bring cancer for?

Because it's a- You're the kiss of fucking death. Oh, so now you're gonna blame me if you get it? No, but I'm just saying who brought cancer up? You did, cocksucker. That is true, I'm very sorry. I'm fucking believable. Just eat the fucking mushrooms.

And they've been gone for half an hour. We might eat some more, just to show people how slow it takes. That's what we're doing. He wanted to do a video tonight of me doing a reaction to some black guy eating a rat. I'm not doing it. I know what.

It really wasn't gonna be that. I'm not doing it. I'm also not. We're gonna have a fucking, we're gonna do a video tonight after this of how long it takes Leigh to eat one gram. I'm not eating more mushrooms. Why not?

It's one more little tiny fucking. Yeah, one more little tiny. Watch him, watch how long it takes him. It takes me a while, I don't like that. You have to put pepper on it and salt. First of all, it's honey, which he never brings in. I brought honey last week. Yeah, I knew you were gonna say this. You brought mushroom honey.

Yeah. You're the only person in the world who gets high on edibles and then is like, I have the munchies, oh, let me eat some more edibles. No, I don't, then you don't, what are you looking, and it's fucked up. We're in training, Lee. You can't keep saying that, for what?

We're in training, dog, eight, nine, ten years, because we're in training. You don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen. What if, well, any day now Russia's just going to kill Ukraine. They're running out of money. That's all. That's almost over. And I'm not over there.

Enough with this Ukraine shit. It's big bank, eat little bank. We've been doing it for 2,000 years. You know what I'm saying? Well, how much, well, let's say if they get Ukraine. Right. They're going to come after the fucking Jews next. What if they catch you? You want to be trained.

What if they start shoving you with edibles? Listen, when Russia reaches the US borders, I'll take as many mushrooms as you want. All right. Well, don't come crying to me. Because they're going to be giving me mushrooms. I don't feel nothing. I'm like Netanyahu. You can keep fucking sticking it to me, cocksucker. But you they're gonna be giving me mushrooms. I don't feel nothing. I'm like Netanyahu.

You can keep fucking sticking it to me, cocksucker. But you're gonna be there, wait, I need a cheese cracker. I need a half a meatball. No, there's no fucking meatballs in Gaza. Okay? There's no meatballs in fucking Ukraine, cocksucker. Oh, Jesus Christ.

See what I got to live with? Anyway. I'm so sorry. On a positive note, you're so sorry. You didn't get to it, cocksucker. You were in training. Training means we're Marines. We're not in the Navy.

We're not in the Coast Guard. We're not in the Army. We're fucking Marines. We go in there first. So that's the deal. We're the ones that go in there and get blown up and lit on fire. You know, get it together. So I'm pre-lighting myself on fire?

Sure, why not? You're Jewish, you know. You gotta be prepared for the unexpected. You gotta be prepared for the unexpected. Look at all the Jew hate going on in the world right now. You don't know. You might be walking down the street in one of these fucking- You keep saying that.

One guy keeps messaging me, you get mugged yet, you get mugged yet, you get mugged yet, you get mugged yet. You're gonna get hit in the head. I don't wanna get hit in the head. One of those college students from Columbia that hates Jews all of a sudden. All of a sudden he's gonna have three beers in him.

He's gonna clock you in the head with three of his little faggy friends and don't come crying to me the next day. That's all I'm saying. I apologize. I don't know if you people have been paying attention. I've been paying attention to this because it really,

it's a fucking great question to ask yourself. Today, basically the 14th was five years since the pandemic started. Today was official when they shut everything down. Five years ago, New Yorkers are going crazy. You know, St. Patty's Day, you're done. Go drink at home, you know what I'm saying? Go drink and puke at fucking home.

Same difference. But it's crazy. That's been five years ago. Now I'm not here to talk about Fauci or the pandemic or the fucking shot. I don't give a fuck. But it's so weird. Like, I want you guys to think about five years ago, how much your life has changed since then. It's crazy. Like, take the fucking crazy. Yeah it's My life is completely Like if you had asked me if you told me this is what my life would be. I wouldn't have believed you It's completely different. There's almost the only thing that's the same as this

And everything else is different and it's I'm not gonna say not everything's better. but at least for me, I'm very like, luckily, I'm like, it's like a thousand times better than I would have imagined. What were you going through when they said everything shut down? We were living in LA. I was, I have no idea really what I was, but I was close to 300 pounds, if not over it. Over it. Well, the thing is, when I, no, well, I don't think so

because by December of that year it was 336. So between March and December, yeah, so probably close. The pandemic killed us. But I was single. I wasn't very happy. But the weird thing is like I thought I was, I didn't think I was unhappy. There were parts of my life that I wasn't very happy. But the weird thing is, I thought I was. I didn't think I was unhappy. There were parts of my life that I wasn't happy with, but I didn't think like, this

is probably the happiest I've been that I can remember in my adult life, which is crazy. But like, comedy was, I was having a blast at comedy but honestly not I I wasn't tired of it but it was just I was really only doing open mics and that can get a little bit old and I was single and living in LA and yeah it's my whole life has done like a complete 180. How has your mind changed since then? Well it's kind of hard. I have like two different minds. I like a stand-up mind and like a personal mind. My personal mind, I feel like I've gotten stronger. I've had some some good and bad shit happen that like I feel like I'm

definitely stronger. But I've just, we were talking before the podcast started about experience. And it's just until you experience certain things, you don't know how you're going to deal with it or who you're going to be. And like moving, like this move that I did the over the last six months has been This move that I did over the last six months has been a lot of good and a lot of bad and a lot of like, just not easy. Not that my life was easy in LA, but it was a lot more comfortable. Really? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, we did the podcast twice a week. I was in the same apartment for six years and I wasn't really challenging myself, I guess. No, we all got comfortable. I remember that. And I like, you know, the weight loss, you can say. I joined a gym two weeks ago, which I would have known. You begged me for years to do that and I never would.

I just. I know you went to a class looking like. I went to two classes. I went to a yoga class which I thought was gonna be easy. Turns out yoga is not fucking easy. And then I went to a class the next day that made yoga look really fucking easy. But, dude, I can't tell you to take comedy out of it. How happy I am.

I don't know if anyone else watching this can relate to it. And it doesn't have to be New York. But for me, it's New York. For me, New York has always been the place I want it to be. And so for me, I'll just like, I'm going to be, I was waiting at the train station yesterday before a set and like there was a band playing in the train and this is, you're gonna make fun of me. But like I got, I teared up a little bit and I, like, I'm not really a crier, but like,

I don't know, man, just there's something about if, if 16 year old me saw where, like where I was, like he would be really fucking excited for what, and I don't know how excited he would have been looking at 31 year old me. You know, it's been pretty crazy, and it's crazy because it's a lot changed in five years, but it's also been like the last year, has changed a lot I think for both of us.

I mean, I'm a completely different person. You know, last week I was thinking about like, fuck, it's the same as the other pandemic. The 14th was on a Friday when I got the call that was shutting down the movies and the store and all that. And then Monday was official. And I remember when, you know, you guys are gonna think I'm fucking crazy. I was doing four theaters a weekend, right? Two podcasts, four fucking planes. I was trying to raise a daughter and I was fucked up three quarters of the day.

Fucked up. Edibles, getting up at seven, doing 18 bung. It was just too much. And it was, you think you're happy you're picking up money you're doing stand-up your sets are good the store was fucking at its best ever yeah but i'll never forget the day they said like we're done and like i just was like thank fucking god and they were like, I might open up in June. Not for me.

And I like after like the third day, I'm like. What the fuck is going on? And I knew I was leaving already. I knew this was the perfect opportunity. When I came back here to shoot the soprano movie, I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in L.A.? I really was. I would come over to eat at night over here

and I would be home by nine. I would go, what the fuck am I doing in LA? And then I went back and that pandemic hit and I was like, thank God. And they would call me like, do you wanna reschedule your dates? And I'm like, leave me the fuck alone. I'm not rescheduling shit.

Call me when this is over. Oh, well, it's going to be over in September. You better be prepared. Then they kept calling you to go to Florida and Texas because they were wide open. Like two weeks after the pandemic, they're like, yeah, go to Texas. Agents are calling you.

I guess Pennsylvania was doing comedy. I'm like, guys, I don't think you heard me. I ain't going nowhere. And they were like fucking getting pissed. Really? Oh, because I was like, they're like, what do you want to do about these dates in July? Do you want to keep them?

Do you want to reschedule them? Cancel them. And they're like, what do you mean? I go cancel them. Give them their money back. Don't reschedule. And then I moved in August. And I remember that I went to a party.

This is already open. Not full, but it was kind of open. And I went to a party at the Florentine's house. And the sister goes, she goes, I was there last week at Parks Casino and they still got your flyer up. You're going on next week. And I was furious.

I went home and called the agent. I go, give them their fucking money back. Whoa, you're there? You might, no. Give them their fucking money back. I got so uncomfortable during the pandemic. Yeah, you really. Oh, I was uncomfortable.

I was irritable. I didn't want to hear it. I was sick of living in LA. Like I was just done. Like I was done. Like for me, the pandemic was a fucking godsend. And no part of you, and Parks is a different story because it's a big deal and it's like a big place,

but like no part of you like wanted to get on stage just to like get that out of your system? I was burnt the fuck out. And I had no idea what it felt to be burnt out. And I was burnt out emotionally, physically and mentally. Like my body was done. The anxiety was up to a different level. I was popping the Xanaxes and the Xanaxes were giving me anxiety. No.

Yeah, they were like fueled. It just bounced. It's called a bounce or some shit. And I couldn't focus. I could not focus. I still remember Ari coming to the house and me going, when is this kid gonna leave? Like I can't have me. I can't, I couldn't have people in the house. There was no fucking way I could have people that close to me. What was fueling the anxiety or the burnout? The burnout was 10 years of not stopping. Don't, I didn't take vacations.

You know me, dog. I'm not one of those guys that, we're gonna start now and take a 12 day vacation to Hawaii. First off, I ain't gonna work out for you. Cause I see everything in three days. After three days, if I didn't see it, we'll catch it next time. I ain't got time for 12 fucking days, you know?

That was my mentality. You know, I'm a basketball guy. If you're not practicing, somebody else is. Absolutely. Okay, if you're on the beach, ha ha ha, for 12 days, there's a motherfucker out there that's practicing all day. And you're down there hanging out with Flipper. That works for three days for Uncle Joey.

I don't drink. You know, I don't drink, so after like one drink, the sun hits you, I get a migraine, that ship sailed. You go to the water, you know, you see some people, you go to a restaurant, time to go home. I gotta make money. You know, that was always my mentality. I don't understand people going on vacation.

I never understood it. We ain't got time because I don't wanna hear you coming to me, going, I don't know what's going on with my life, bitch, you went on two vacations. You went on two vacations for 18 days. One for a fucking wedding for nine days. Who the fuck are you? My main thing was like, who the fuck are you

to go on a vacation? When you got a million dollars, then you go on vacation, because you don't have to worry about it. But you go on a vacation, by the eighth day, you're like, this is going on the Visa card. And I just lost 10 days of work with my family, and they're at Disney robbing me blind. Yeah.

You know, that's all you're thinking about. But these are the same people that are coming up to you in three years, I don't know what's going on with my business. Well, every summer you go down the shore, like you fucking earned it. Or you Johnny Bumbee, you're not Johnny Bumbee. You gotta work bitch.

You know, so I never understood that. Has your mindset changed over the five years? Fuck no. Ha, okay. I still don't wanna go anywhere for more than three fucking days. I got shit to do. Okay.

Who's gonna sit there, you know when you're 90. Maybe you could sit there with your feet up like those dudes in a fucking Corona commercial. You know, Snoop Dogg and the white dude, they just, I can't do that. But knowing what you know, knowing that you'd burnt out, do you wish you took, I'm not saying 14 days in the South of France, but- I wish I would have, I would have taken time to smell the roses more, but that still didn't mean vacation. What I mean by that is maybe going to a concert a week at the Hollywood Bowl.

I should have taken Dean Delray up for more concerts, maybe going to a couple sporting events. I should have done that. But I had so many people that cry in LA. So many people cry in life. I never wanted to be one of those guys. Somebody offers you money, they offer you a $400 gig. Can you imagine 10 years from now you're fucking $400 short on the rent and you're like, I should have taken that gig. That's how I think.

Did you see Bill Burr special yet? Yeah, put some pieces of it. Because his whole thing, like a big part of it was like how he changed his point of view or his relationship with his wife. And it was, you know, it was interesting why I thought the special was really good, but um, you know, changing your perspective. So like now that you're starting to do more standup again, are you going to smell the roses more? You going to do anything?

I have a daughter. That's my rose. That's my rose. That's my rose. Where am I gonna fucking go? Like, you know, you have to be around them when they're young. You gotta be there, not, they grow up like everybody else. Fucking half-retarded. I don't know what my daddy is. You know, I don't want to live through that shit. That's my biggest fear. For how to have daddy issues

I lived in LA for 23 years everybody I met had daddy issues and you could fucking see it So that's my rose. Yeah spend time with her But at the same time, you know, I was spending time with her before LA of course I was always there during the week on the weekends. I was gone and she told me She told me when she was seven, you gotta stop. And I said, you're right. You're right, I got shit, like right now, I got shit people offering me.

I ain't missing the softball game. Why would I? I don't wanna miss a fucking softball game. Whatever you got to offer me, cause every time I'm at a softball game on a Saturday or Sunday, I always ask myself to check myself. Where would I rather be right now?

And you are, you put yourself through scenarios. I'd rather be in a Chinese orgy, doing fucking, shooting up morphine and just sitting there with my mouth open. That sounds like fun. But I'd rather be here. OK. So that's how I feel like I don't I can't sit in a hotel room all day on a Saturday ever again.

Like ever again. Well, I did it for 30 fucking years. I did it for 30 years to wake up on a Saturday, have a great breakfast, take a walk around the town. And now it's one o'clock and your show is at eight'clock, and you got to sit in your hotel room or maybe go to a movie, and then you call home and my wife's out with the girls and they're jumping up and down, the kids are yelling, and you got to sit in your lonely hotel room listening to these kids having a good time.

So that was my smell of the roses. Ever since they put me in a fucking hospital a month ago, two months ago, three months ago, I looked at my wife and I go, this is completely different. So I changed my perspective. This is completely different now. I always loved my wife. I like to strangle her sometimes, but I loved my wife 25 years. But yeah, you have to look at things a lot differently

but that shit I was doing in LA like I Told you my I would go I would I would take it a Boxing class or whatever kickboxing. I get 16 calls in 45 minutes. I have to get up and go out and get anything for nothing Nothing you could tell me this shit later. Nothing. Once I realized it, I'm like, I'm not picking up these phone calls no more. Let them fucking call 80 times.

I'm not picking it up no more. 16, 17 phone calls in 45 fucking minutes. Hi, you have a gig in two months, or whatever music you want, listen. Go fuck you. They bother you. They fuck you. And then the agents put desperation in you. Oh, we got a gig for you. You got to take it. Got to take this gig. And I'm like, no, no.

I just, it just was something that I just fell apart. That's what really happened. During the pandemic, I just fucking fell apart. I was like, I remember still getting on stage here. It was an outdoor show. Oh, I didn't know you did one of those. I went out there and I see bats flying around and shit. Fucking, there's a fucking something moving in the weeds. And I'm like, I got up there

and I had to look around the whole time. You could see mosquitoes were biting me and shit. I'm like, I'm not doing this. I ain't doing stand up for a while. I didn't do it for a long fucking time. And then after I got back on stage, guess what? Still didn't want to do it. That's crazy.

Couldn't even break through like a barrier of, couldn't even break through, couldn't think of material, couldn't be funny, didn't even care. Then I stopped again for another 11 months. I'm like, I'm not getting on the fucking stage. I was done, guys. And I'm done now. People offer me shit all the time.

Movies, and I'm like, fucking, I got to go all the way up there and do that and listen to that nonsense. If it's a a high end fucking movie that I'm like the shit in the movie, yeah, cause I'm learning something. But for me to do a movie for fucking people I don't know and go away for four days, I'm not doing that no more. I just don't.

I just don't, you know? If it's something exciting like Tom Cruise and I'm pushing them off a plane or something Fuck I would love to Tom Cruise push that motherfucker off a plane. Oh, yeah, and I love them. I'm just saying that I don't want to do no fucking They want me to go to Vegas to be a mobster I'm not doing that the second week of july get the it's 140 degrees Yeah, and I gotta shoot.

Fuck you, I'm not doing that shit. I'd rather not have insurance. Jesus Christ. I'd rather not have insurance. I'd rather pay the money than have to put up with it. I wanna do something that's cool. Right. You know?

Stand up, same thing. If you think I'm leaving for a Thursday to Saturday, you got rocks in your fucking head. I'll tell you, but I'm gonna leave Thursday night after the show. Jesus. I'll know that once I start thinking about it, I'm like, I'm not staying here Friday and Saturday.

I'm catching the first flight out of here in the morning and that's what I, because I know me. Right. But at least you do. That's what changed me after the podcast. I got a little bit more patience. I wanted to be around my family a lot more. I was out there in the wild for 23 years with those savages. And there was a lot of people that I really had a good time with in LA. And there was a lot

of people who meant the world to me in LA, but there was a lot of motherfuckers I didn't like. A lot more than what I liked. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh yeah, of course. Like I liked a certain amount of people. I feel more comfortable now that I'm in Jersey, you know? Okay. And this is the comfort I needed. There was no way I was gonna pick up after LA

and move to another state. That was not gonna happen. I was not gonna leave LA. The only state I considered over Jersey was Colorado. Wow. But they didn't have no school the whole year. So I was like, I'm going back to Jersey. I can't take my daughter at home for another fucking year.

You'll shoot yourself in the head and the computer in the back. Fuck that. Do you think if Colorado had had school, would you have gone there? Yeah. Whoa. Okay. But I think I would have been here by now. Yeah? Would have been too much. I think I wasn't ready to go and be a stranger again.

I didn't want to be a fucking stranger in the land and start from scratch. No, I'm 60. What am I, you know. I'm not, and I love that I live here now. Where I live is a little on the boring side, but that's how I like it. You know, the other night I heard something outside and there was a deer that crashed into my house.

I'm like, what the fuck is outside in the yard? You know? And I enjoy that about it. And I enjoy my life now. I don't have much going on down there, which was hard to go from Los Angeles studio city to just moving down there, it was rough. And I figured it out. And like ever since the first of the year, I've been going out at night. I used to always take a ride. Now I'm not smoking dope. So I don't even take that ride anymore.

If somebody needs to call, if somebody calls me from LA and I got shit going on, I'll go, you know what, I'll leave here at seven and that's four in LA and I could still talk to them about whatever they call me. That's the only time I'll take a ride. But I don't really want to hang out at bars anymore. I don't want to do anything. How do you feel not smoking? It was time.

It was time. It was, she's getting older. Kids are starting to come over the house. I smoke all day, guys. I'm one of those guys that I don't know how to do it like everybody else. I get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee. I give it like 30 minutes. And I'm sparking at a quarter to seven.

Most people are drinking coffee and watching CNN, what's Trump doing today? And I'm already fucking out in the garage, bang, bang, bang. And that's what lets me know what the day is going to bring. Like as sad as it sounds, man. I don't know what I want to do. And now I'm not smoking. And again, I know what I want to do. And sometimes I just blast off with that syringe. I

Was going down and buying one a day I went down at the end they bought like hey I said give me all of them dog cuz this is gonna be a long week Jesus sometimes I put it right on the mushroom. Oh Lord Hello, yeah You always act like you're sober. There's no sober. It's not sober. At all. By the way, these are starting to kick in.

Saturday, I was sober. And Friday night I was sober. Nothing? But Sunday? Shit. It's the Lord's Day. You got to be ready on the Lord's Day. You gotta be ready on the Lord's Day. You gotta be primed. I don't give a fuck about the rest of the week. But Sunday, it's just a good day to get fucked up early, like 10 o'clock.

Do you miss smoking at all? Yes and no. Because I'm addicted to this. You know, to fucking get in the bong and playing with your weed and going to get it and it's good and it's 38% and you fucking dry it. You know, I have systems in my house. I have like the drawer when it's wet. Then I dry it in here.

Then it gets promoted to the top shelf over here. And then I'll smoke it, and I'll have like four kinds up here, but I have three kinds down there. So I had like this little game going, you know? Yeah, of course. Now that little game is over with. Well, you, cause you did it, I don't know,

40 something years, 50 something years you smoked, every day. Do you ever like, think like, fuck it, I'm just gonna smoke? No, because I don't want to end up back in the hospital. It just doesn't make any... Listen, I don't know if that's what it was, but I know that I've been out of the hospital now for two weeks with no problems. I'm not fucking gagging.

I'm not choking. So, let's blame it on the smoke for now. In six months, I might feel a lot different and Shit I gotta do what I gotta do, you know, right but right now but who knows I'm the type of guy that once you're off something for a while just go why am I gonna go back to it? I'm already off this for a month. Now. I start this up again Which and it for me it wasn't even fun anymore. Right, exactly. Because I had to go down to the weed store every two days and mix the weed around and you gotta find that there's just

so much weed in Jersey, so you're looking at three stores every day. I'm looking at three different websites when I wake up in the morning, looking to see who's got the best weed. I don't need that shit no more, man. I I just I'd rather put my energy Into whatever the fuck I'm doing now Right now. I'm just trying to get healthy. I got a couple shows coming up. I don't want to do the best job I could do That's it. I have nothing else on my agenda Everybody else could suck my dick

And how like how does it feel cuz like I'm trying to compare you to me or even just you Ten years in the stand-up Like now that you have all the power and all the control What power and control because you can say you talking about what do you mean? And I maybe not but to me in my head you could call any club in the world and be like I want to come in Boom boom boom. I want to come in tonight and you would never bump anybody. No, but you At least for stand-up the world is open to you. I did that way. That's the way I look at I'm sure there's some clubs that might not like you or whatever but like to like them exactly

but like to have that don't like them. Exactly. But like to have that control and to be able to say no, like to say no to some things that I'm sure you 10 years in, what the fuck are you saying no to this for? Well, here's the secret to this. Here's the secret to this. And you're really going to think about this. We've always had the control.

We just never wanted to impose it. How? And as you, like I told you I had a rule after the third year of comedy. I don't mind coming into your club and showcasing. But I would make, and as you ever say something and as you're saying it, you know you're fucking up. Because I was saying it, I knew I was fucking up. But at the same time, it was saving me six months of my life. And I would call people up and go, how are you doing? Sean, Joe Diaz. Yeah, your friend. I want to come in and do a showcase. Well, I'll be there Sunday night.

Sean. And I would say it just like this, three years in. I'm going to come down there on a Sunday night, I'm gonna showcase for you like a gentleman. When I get off the stage, is there somebody gonna be there to give me a week work of comedy? Now, that's two things, you're already putting the seed in his ear, that I want a booking, you know what I'm saying?

This is tough to say to somebody. And number two, I don't wanna get off the stage after I kill and you tell me some story that you're going to tell the owner. Right. You're just some hundred dollar a night manager. I'm not going to your fucking club. And they would hang up on me.

Holy shit. Some people tell me to go fuck myself, but I didn't give a fuck. Saved you. That little control thing was the whole thing that at least I got. Then they started with the other, they send the tape. How many tapes I sent in my life?

One, and it was blank. Fuck you. Yeah. We've always had the control. It's just, we don't take it. And then we get pissed off when people walk all over us. Right. I ran into a situation,

I wanted to fucking yell at someone yesterday, but he's associated in a way, maybe with a that I want to work at and they're not right They're not right because they're bums and they're gonna threaten you and they're gonna say you'll never work here again And by the time you're rocking and rolling they're not even in the business Like the people that were in the business in 1997 when I got to LA that were laying threats. I'm a manager I never saw them again in 2008. They got into real estate or into the dot com business. Yeah, they got into the dot com.

Everybody left. In 99, everybody got into that business. Not dot com, whatever the fuck. A lot of those people left. So these people are the ones that pull like, oh, I don't like when you come to the club and do that. That's control. Anybody who knows a comedian knows, you don't tell me what the fuck to say.

Cause whatever you tell me not to say, I'm going to go up there and say it first. That's why you don't put no boundaries on a comedian at all. So when I'm walking into your club and you're like, Oh, excuse me. I don't want no fart jokes and no poopy jokes, bitch, I'm gonna open up with a fart joke just to piss you fucking off. Yeah? Okay, I saw this guy, Kevin Fitzgerald.

Kevin Fitzgerald, you two guys are all young except for George. Kevin Fitzgerald had a show on Animal Planet. He was a vet with white hair. I don't know if you guys remember. Old dude, that dude looks old. That dude will fucking take your throat out. He was in Vietnam.

He was one of those crazy motherfuckers in Vietnam. Then he came back on the GI Bill and became a veterinarian. And then somewhere along the line, he became a comic. But before that veterinarian shit, he was the Stone's bodyguard. He was on tour with the Stones when that shit happened. They got stabbed in Altamonte and all that shit. Kevin Fitzgerald, you look at him,

he looks a little weird, but that motherfucker got stories and that motherfucker's dangerous. So in 1993, he was at the Comedy Works and he did a joke about, this is your brain, and this is your brain on drugs. Remember, there used to be the egg? And when he got off stage, some big guy came up to him, and he goes, Bill Hicks is here,

and you're opening for him. Mr. Hicks said not to do that joke. Next time you open it. He went back, thought about it, and he goes, fuck Bill Hicks. He went up there and did the joke. The muscle guy came up to him again, and Kevin goes, I would have taken his fucking throat out.

But Bill Hicks came up to him and said, hey, we told you not to do that joke when you did it. You're on tour with me. Fuck, I would have said, I wouldn't have done the joke. Guys, you have to somewhere as a comic, say this is what I'm do the, I would have said, I wouldn't have done the joke. Guys, you have to somewhere as a comic, say this is what I'm gonna do, and if you don't like it, I'm moving the fuck on. But that's why when they tell you like,

we can't say this at my club, well, you called me, number one. And number two, I'm saying what I'm fucking saying. And if you don't wanna hire me after this, that's fine. Right. But don't you ever fucking tell me what I can and cannot do. Because I've been struggling with, I don't like feeling like this,

but the feeling that I've felt in New York with standup is a little bit desperate. And I don't like feeling like it. But there's just no, it's, you're just kinda out there. You're out there, bro. And it feels like the Titanic, like when the Titanic sank and everyone's in the water. That's where I am, right?

Oh, well, yeah, right now. Right now for sure. But I'm just talking like just even comedy wise, you're just waiting for someone to help you do something. And like, if someone told me I don't want to hear this joke or that, okay, whatever. You know, feel desperate, but always have your fucking boundaries. I don't like feeling desperate.

You are a man and you have your own boundaries. Right. You know, it's like when I stopped doing coke, I was a complete different comic, I'm a complete different individual because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. God forbid I can't get my package tonight. Right.

You follow me? So nevermind the club or whatever. I was always concerned about that once I took that out of my life it was completely different for me and that's when my career really started because I Started telling people like this is what I'm doing Yeah, but you got to work something now if you know any of stories about me, I didn't work Sundays when I was featured. That's crazy. I told them to go fuck themselves. I'm not working. Tell your mother.

Would you call your mother? And that's the attitude you gotta tell people. Can I talk to you for a second? It's Sunday. Would you make your mother come in here on a Sunday? No. Then why are you making me come in here on a Sunday? Call your mother next time to work a Sunday.

And they'll look at you like, it's the truth. It's like when an agent calls you and says, I got an audition for you at 530 downtown LA. Again, would you send your mother down there at 530? No, I wouldn't. Then why are you sending me? Call them and get me a decent time. And they'll either say no,

or they'll call and get you a decent time. Right. But like, that's where I was going with it because they'll give you a decent time because they like you or they want you. And if you're just a nobody at the beginning, they're like, fuck you. If you don't want to come in 530, then fuck off. Hey Doug, when I started the store, they used to give me one AM spots. Right.

But it was the store. Of course. Okay. It wasn't Phil's Auto Garage. Right. You know, at midnight with a bunch of fucking, what do you call those little white kids from Brooklyn? The Skizzes? The Hipsters, whatever the fuck they call them.

Little fags, whatever, sitting there with the little fucking raccoon eyes or whatever the fuck they wear. It's completely different. But I still remember doing open mics at two in the morning and one day I decided I wasn't gonna fucking do it no more. And then I started doing those early ones you do and they're fucking worse. Hamburger Harry's at 4.30, do it no more. And then I started doing those early ones you do and they're fucking worse.

Hamburger Harry's at 430, there's no reason. And the only reason to go in there is to get a loose and put it up on the thing and go, here's my five minutes and just hang yourself. They're rough and I know the position you're in. But you have to, right now they're giving you a wall. You're a smart Jew, you gotta figure out how to go around that wall. And they're gonna give you another smart Jew. You got to figure out how to go around that wall.

And they're going to give you another wall. Right. And you have to figure out how to go around that wall. And that's what we're discussing in the beginning. We got here tonight. We're talking about how important basics is. Like I was talking about how I could take Lee tomorrow and go, Lee, fuck my wife, fuck mercy. I'm going on the road with you.

We're doing every weekend. And I'll take them to 3000 seat theaters. We're doing it every weekend. And I'll take him to 3,000 seat theaters. We'll do two shows a weekend. And after five years, Lee will be a great comic until he has to do a show in front of 20 people. He's going to lose it. Lose it. Your legs are going to start twitching because you

didn't cover the bases. And it's like that old commercial. Remember Penzo, George? You you're gonna pay me now, or you can pay me later. But you're gonna pay me motherfucker. So get it over with now, instead of right now, you're a new man in LA, in New York. They're not gonna open the doors for you

and give you the red carpet treatment. You're intelligent, you already know that. You gotta get there. Now, I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you. I couldn't figure out New York. That's why I got the fuck outta here. Because I didn't know four people to bring to the shows. Well, George and he would disappear.

I would pay him 10 bucks and I'd be right back. Bam! I went to get a lighter. Whatever the fuck. So you can't do bring a show. Right. Fucking animals. I got so lucky yesterday with people. And then the spots are two in the morning. Every once in a while, the New York comedy club will give me a spot. But I would stop at 181st street to get coke and do the coke before I had my spot. I'm gonna have to cancel my spot. Right. So it was always a fucking nightmare for me. So I chose to develop in Colorado. Right.

But you're doing a great job here, considering considering. Now, like I said to you, I would love to walk in with you to the New York Comedy Club and go, I'm doing 20, give Lee 10. What's that going to do for you? Now you're forcing my hand. Right. And I've never I've never asked you for that. I'm doing 20, give Lee 10, what's that gonna do for you? Now you're forcing my hand. Right, and I've never asked you for that. No, no, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't do it. Because I know where it would end off.

If we did it in 10 different clubs, nine of them would hate you and one of them would go, I like the fucking kid. Right, dude, one of my, and I don't know if this is something to be proud of or not, but like one of the things I was most proud of in LA was that like I never had to call my parents and ask for money. That was one thing that I just took pride in.

And you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who don't, whatever they think about me being a standup, I know that I'm working really hard at it and it's what I want and I don't want to look back in 10 years and be like, oh I only got in because Joey called X, Y, and Z. I like I'm having as much as I'd love to be in at all the clubs right now and I'd say yes if they called. I'm having fun like doing the bar the only place that I'll have me right now is barber shops. I do barber shops every fucking month someone invited I feel like it's like they're fucking they bring me to a barber shop and the shows are great but I've done like eight barber shops. It's like what fuck? I'm the only guy with no hair in a barber shop.

But I love it. It's been, dude, New York is, and I did, it was a weird, like, cause yesterday I did, I think three mics, one of the, two of the mics would have got canceled. And the way, the way I use mics for now, is I really only use them to just say the words. Johnny Rock in LA gave me great advice of just like you can't go there looking for a

response you just go there to practice and like that's what I'm using them for now is just as a because it did I if I hadn't have done those mics in my set last night wouldn't have gone as well because I changed I I'm at a place. I'm not at a place yet where I can look at my notebook and like see if things are gonna work or see if the orders right I have to do it and then I'm like okay then that so for me that's what I'm using that stuff for for New York because it's I have nowhere close to figuring out New York but I'm further along today than I was in January when I really started because like even when I got here today than I was in January when I really started. Cause like even when I got here in September,

I was gone every week. I was here in town for two days a week maybe. I was watching something the other day where, what's his name? Schultz. Andrew. Andrew was on Club Shayshape. He was talking about Rogan.

And he goes, you know, Rogan has made a lot of millionaires. And I thought about it. I was sitting there going, what the fuck? Rogan didn't make millionaires. He opened up the door for people. And people still had to do the work. I know 10 guys that Rogan was helping that never There's still feature acts I

Know comics that Rogan got with Dave Sussman. There's still feature acts, you know, I still remember getting the longest shot and somebody going must be nice for Rogan to call Adam Sandlin like Fuck off. Do you really think that's how they do shit? You know, like, so I know the feeling of people thinking that they made a call for you and not. They didn't make a call. They said something on a podcast and I had to deliver the goods every fucking night.

I still had to write the comedy. I still had to go down there. There's people, look at last comic standing. Open up the door for ten comics Where are they today teaching comedy classes? You know these guys had opportunities They just didn't know what to follow mm-hmm people always I always thought about this people always want to get on Rogan When I started it was always Letterman. It was always Johnny care Johnny cash Johnny Carson right well

That's the one thing. It's what you do after you get that. That's gonna rock it. It's not getting that. I got my job. All right, now what? You got the job. Now what the fuck are you gonna do with it?

That's what you're always planning. Like I'm always planning not what's in front of me. I'm already planning exactly how this goes down without moving a finger. I let things do it for me. I'll give you an example. I'm doing the garden next week. Fuck yeah, dude.

Okay, no, no, but don't, don't knock on me. Everybody knows this. I'm opening up for Tom. I'm doing 20 minutes. No, because I didn't earn it. He called me and earn it. Do you want it? And I took it now That the picture that somebody's gonna take of me and post I don't have to do the work They're already there's 18,000 people there Let's pretend a hundred of them take a picture and put it up at the post the next day the next day just

People see that they go. I'm gonna go see where I could buy a ticket, but I know that I'm using as a workout. I'm using the garden as a 20-minute fucking workout. I got no material to do Yes, you do. I'm using it as a fucking workout, but I already know where it's gonna take me Like I'm already thinking like that. You're not gonna get that from just starting comedy today you're gonna get that from over time and doing it and you start learning different fucking things you know and that's what I like about what you're doing right now Lee don't worry about where you're at you're doing it that's the most important thing I know 20 people at home

right now going, I want to just send them. I'm going to send them and watch the Knicks tonight because the Knicks are going to be in the play. Okay. The Knicks are more important to you than anything else. I know a hundred people. Like I said, we could put a fucking sign out tomorrow, put a building in New Brunswick by Rutgers and go, be the next Joe Rogan, learn how to podcast. I could quit doing comedy. I have a sucker in there every fucking 20 minutes. I want to be like, well girl, I shaved my head. I got tattoos. I want, you know, it's crazy. People think, you gotta put the work in. It's nice. I mean, it's nice to be a bartender. Remember when we were kids?

Yeah, Bruce Willis was a bartender. And somebody went in there and put him on Miami Vice. Ah, yeah, like you brought that fucking line. Now, he had to go to acting class. We didn't know a bunch of shit. Like when he got Miami Vice, he was involved in 20 things already. When he was shooting Miami Vice, he got the show on ABC.

But growing up, they said, oh, he was bartending. Some guy went in there and saw him bartending. Unless he sucking dick behind the bar, doing this shit, prove Bruce Willis. Now he don't remember, you know what I'm saying? Now he don't remember. Right. That's, you know, we all think that things are gonna happen

from fucking influencers, these girls that are hot, and they're like, oh, if I do one profile, somebody will put me in a movie. They're not putting you in a movie, but they're gonna fuck the shit out of you first. You're gonna have sperm coming out of everywhere, like a Harvey Weinstein milkshake. They'll put you in a movie,

but I don't want you to think they're putting you in a movie because of your artistic fucking whatever. They're putting you in a movie because you got big tits, and they'll just take you, they'll cut you in a movie, but I don't want you to think that putting you in a movie because of your artistic fucking whatever, they're putting you in a movie because you got big tits and they'll just take you, they'll cut you out, they'll tell you a movie, they'll cut you out, you'll be the next, who's that really hot chick that's in all the movies and she's a fucking nightmare to work with? I just saw her acting in a movie, first of all,

it was the worst movie I ever saw in my life. The first, The Expendables. God, that's terrible. But The Fox Girl, that's her name. Megan Fox, she was in that. I'm like, this is what she's gonna do the rest of her life. Somebody fucked her, she's hot. And this is it.

But there's no fucking great roles for her. There's no fucking pretty women for her. You know, whatever, fuck those roles off. Well, let's take that out though. So like, for, let's take that out though. So like, because you did it in acting too, you did the $100 a day. If someone called you for the longest yard when you were just in LA and you had only done a couple of things, would you have been ready? Well, I would have got ready, bitch.

Sometimes you got to get ready. So for me, listen, I have two trains, two trains of thought here. The one train of thought is you could just read a book so much. That's what we have as Americans. I want to be a writer. Let me go to fuck in the place and buy 20 books on writing. You just killed yourself for five years reading. Nobody get good at writing is to write. Even if you start with, I'm going to the zoo today.

It gets, it improves. Over the week you're, I'm going to the zoo. It's gonna be a sunny day. Today I'm gonna kick the fucking ape in the stomach. Whatever the fuck you're gonna do. We've become too bookie and too, we think too much. Okay, when I got called for baseball do you think I went to an acting class before that you think I

knew anything about acting I knew about Bruce Lee flying through the air and I knew about the Godfather and I liked Marlon Brando how he acted but I didn't know anything I still remember going on that set and I'm going step on your mark and I'm like what mark and they're like the marks your marks and then I remember going to another acting job and they were saying the same things to me and I had to tell them I don't know what I'm doing no way but they like and they're like how fuck? I don't know what I'm doing. And the only thing that saved me was that that girl, her father was big, Sidney Portier. Oh shit.

And that was his daughter. And when I worked and lived in Snowmass, Sidney Portier used to come into the video store with that little black girl. And I asked her, I go, you remember going to Snowmass as a kid? She goes, yeah, all the time, my dad. I go, I used to come into command the video

Ask your dad next time he talked to him. She goes i'll ask him tonight. She came back. She's like, yeah Oh my god. I go. Yeah your dad used to come in so she was kind of nice to me. Yeah She was like i'll show you what to do. I don't know what the fuck i'm doing Bro, as soon as that movie ended as soon as that tv show ended. I borrowed money from Josh Wolf and I got into an acting class. Do you follow me? Because now I was getting serious. I thought I was just going to fucking go up there and... But they were giving me lines and shit. So I didn't... How dare they? You want me to give you... You want me to read? Oh yeah! So I didn't know what I was doing. So then I went to an acting class and then it all

Right as I was doing the acting class I started booking while I was doing the acting class and the climber came together But I didn't just do it like there's people they'll tell you their schools of in the California that if you go to their act They'll tell you You can't you can't go on auditions for two years. Two years? You know what? Fuck you. You don't even know what you're talking about because now they get to blend it together.

You know, like they get to go to class. It's like being a union plumber. If you're an apprentice, you got to go to T.E. Barrow twice a week and learn how to fucking burn shit and fucking... you know, and then you're on the job. And you might start as a laborer carrying pipe, but eventually, all that shit's gonna mix together. So you're gonna be doing pipe, and then you go over there,

and they're gonna be teaching you how to do the same pipe. That's when it all is really insane. But I would never tell you, you're gonna be my comedy student, but don't get on stage. No, I want you to fail. I want you to come with questions for me every week going, I did my best material and they threw a tomato at me. All right, let's see.

Let's start from the videotape. Let's see the videotape. But that's what I think that people, they get too booky and then they don't end up doing anything or they get into something without really... So's kind of a cat 22. It really is Because it's like as someone listening to it Not mad at you or anything, but it's like you can't it's hard to be like, okay Get prepared but then also don't do some of this stuff like it's

you know, it's like sort of like if you you have to prepare doing certain things like certain roles or certain said like doing the open mics doing those 4 p.m open mics and it's hard to know when to cut it off for yourself you cut it off when you think it's time to listen you know what the difference between a professional and an amateur is or anything what What's that? A mindset. If you really fucking think about it. But there's a lot of people who are really sure. I'll tell you as a laborer,

they're coming here every day and bang nails and shit, but you'll feel like a laborer until one day you look me in the eye and go, what do you think, you're the only guy that can paint? Right. You're the only guy that can do it? I can do this too, I'm a fucking painter and I want 15 more dollars than what you're paying me

It's your decision an amateur and a professional. It's you it's not somebody else holding you back You decide when you're gonna go I'm gonna do this as a fucking professional They want me to be here at eight. I'm gonna be a quarter eight, you know I'm gonna be the best motherfucking this room. That's a difference in an amateur and a professional. It's not You know, right but then also and I'm going to be the best motherfucker in this room. That's the difference between an amateur and a professional. It's not, you know, right. But then also, and now going to all these open mics and these shows, I see it. There's people who have that mentality that you have, but don't have the skill. Well, they listen, there's a lot of people who are complacent

and that's the thing that'll kill you the most is you gotta ask questions. The cat died seven times because he was fucking curious. Not because he sat there, you know, looking at his window and the old lady who does the yarn every day. The cat looks out a window and goes, look at that fucking bird. Maybe I'll kick his fucking ass today. And then he goes out and the bird fucks him up. He comes in, has a catatuna and then he, you follow me? It's the same shit. You all right though? I'm great, but I, because there's definitely people and you know people could be listening asking him, it's me, but they're like, I know you've seen it. Comics who

just aren't funny and like to make the decision, like, if they're listening right now, and they're like, okay, I gotta do this, I'm not doing, but then maybe they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing, what's right for them. You know, isn't it kind of weird? Let me go pee. All right.

And then we'll talk about, I gotta talk to these people about DraftKings and better health. Perfect. And then I'll come back, give you time to relax. I could see that. Yeah, everything is moving right now. Yeah, everything is moving. I'm really trying to keep it cool, to be honest with you. We'll be back in 30 seconds.

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And that's it, guys. We're back, bitches. Don't forget, if you're hearing voices, better help will help you. And if, you know... Draft Kings. Draft Kings, it's March, baby. It's the month you've been waiting for. Anyway, we're back to talk to Lee about hearing voices.

He hears me in Goats. He calls fucking Better Help once a month, this poor bastard. Me? I love Better Help. Lee, listen. Who the fuck am I, or you? Have you ever had somebody come up to you and make a weird remark? Like the first five or six years you do comedy, people come up to you and make the weirdest remarks and sometimes your feelings get hurt, sometimes you don't know how to really handle

it. You're just starting out. And I'm from North Pergam. I still remember doing a show in the city and your uncle and a bunch of guys driving me and on the way back they're like you suck right in the car they're like no you suck like you that guy was funny not you you're not funny and this is that's how we were raised we weren't raised with oh my god that was so brave my friends are looking and go you know what you suck tonight that. That was God awful. And I was sitting there in the back of the car,

ready to cry, just doing coke, like, okay, I suck. And it hurts. It's not good. So who the fuck am I to tell somebody they're not funny? I think somebody rather hear that their mother's a whore. And somebody going up to somebody going, you know, you're really not funny. You should quit this shit.

Because there was a time none of us were funny. And one day you just hit a fucking stage point. It's like anything else in life. You go to jujitsu, you get fucking torn apart for 18 months. And one day you decide to do something and all of a sudden it just changes. With stand up, it's like these people get punched in the head for a living. We were talking about that before.

They can be retarded after one punch, or they can be reparted after 5,000 punches. You just don't know what punch is gonna make them a fucking retard. It's gonna make them call Better Help and go. You know? Oh, they're gonna love this. So I could never ever tell a comic or a human being that they're not funny.

If they believe they're funny, let them go. Let them go. And you'll see these, the longer you do comedy, you'll see open micers that show up everywhere and talk to them and go, bro, you ever? Nah, I come down here, I do this, I go home, I hear voices, I live in my grandmother's basement. They'll tell you what they are. Right.

And then eight years from now, you'll hear they killed themselves. I swear to God, when I lived in Seattle, I'm not being a joke here. You know, plenty of open mics killed them. Some guy got off stage at the comedy store, went to the hotel and jumped off the top of the hotel. Ah.

You know, this is the shit people do when this is their whole life dream. Right. You know, and this happens to musicians. How many fucking idiots go on that show, The Voice? You know, do you think about that? How many people? Your mom's like with one eye, she got diabetes. You're taking good in the shower.

I'll go down to The Voice. OK. And you go down there and do Dolly Parton. It sounds like Joey Diaz And they tell you come back that was great That was great We'll call you, you know, how many times can you hear that? Yeah So I can never tell somebody they suck to have a dream and then let them go out there and pursue it But like have you, and it's tough because I mean that's not obvious, not with stand up. Now, from the other side of it, let me just tell you something.

About 10 days ago, I'm not gonna lie to you, I saw a name from LA that I had forgotten about and the first thing in my mind was that I said this to myself. I go, she didn't shoot herself yet because. 20 years she's been trying this, right? 25 years. So on the back of my, I mean, she got there, she was there five years before I was there and she's still doing this. So I forgot about her.

I've been out of LA for five fucking years. So obviously I forgot. And I go, she didn't shoot herself yet. That was my first reaction. So I get it. Like right now, would I know? I would have left LA in 2013.

Wow. I wasted my time for eight years. I could have done whatever I was doing anywhere else because all it is now, you just rotate. You're doing the goddamn jam the improv the life actor the comedy So no no and you're just a revolving thing and if you do get something out of that It's like why am I gonna go see him? He's gonna be at the comedy store Tomorrow night. You're just a revolving door

You're wasting your time right but for stand-up specifically you don't think being like at the store once a week helped Not as of 10 years ago It helps you but if you already established at the store, right you establish at the improv and you establish at the laugh factory Why are you still there if you're not acting? You're just going around every night. got another show I might do whatever it's it's just a rotating door right but you said you would have left in 2013 and I'm not talking about my career I knew now I'm not even take career out of it I'm talking about you because you know when

you're funny and you know when your jokes are where they're supposed to be do you think you that would have you would have been as funny if you left LA? At that point, at 2013, I was doing comedy what? 20-something fucking years already. I mean, 2015. I thought I saw a mouse. I thought I seen a lot of things. It was a little leaf.

But 2015, listen, one thing about me and my comedy career, I've seen a lot of things a little leaf, but 2015 Listen one thing about me and my comedy career. I don't base it on anything Anybody ever want to fucking say anything to me? I just say one word comedy store from 2016 to the pandemic hit mm-hmm. That's it bitch You want to say something about me? Come on on now in our Tuesday and Thursday Look at those lineups. And what do you want to say? What the fuck do you you can't say a word to me?

Can't say a word to me because those lineups will never happen again When you're following bill burr and bring it up Fucking Rogan or bring it up. Alley Wong or bring it up Whitney Cummings. You saw those lineups. You saw those rooms in the main room. Forget Netflix special and all that faggotry that they got, you know, the Howard Duff, the Mark Twain Award for comedy. Oh, that's Mark Twain can suck my dick. The only thing that counts in my world

for me was those nights at the store. Right. If you ever had any fucking doubt, come on down motherfucker and try it. Give it a world. Give it a world. But you didn't. But you're somewhere else trying to fucking lay claim. Don't even, for me it wasn't anything else. It was those four years. When you walked in there on Tuesday, most people would faint. Because I know I felt like fucking fain faint. When I would come around that liquor store, you know, when you get all the Laurel Canyon, I'd go like, why am I going down there? I'm going down there to destroy my career.

I'm going to the ADCC, whatever the fuck that is. If I have a bad set down here, it's going to get around. So when I would hit that fucking stage, I made sure like I just heard Judd Appletoe went back to the store That's cuz Papa's not there cuz Papa jagged him so bad He had to go when you're not that funny then you go to another club called. What's that club? They Largo That's where they call it alternative comedy. Oh My god, that's so brilliant, that's where you go But on Tuesdays and Thursdays, that kind of comedy didn't work.

That comedy was never designed for the Comedy Store. Right. Like if you go into the club in the city, I'll take you to the club in the city now, that shit wouldn't work at the Comedy Store. Would not work. She engraved Marines. That's what she wanted. Marines, people who jump out what she wanted, Marines,

people who jump out of a plane, land, and instead of exploding, they make you laugh. That's what Mitchie Shaw trained. And I was a part of that. So everybody, all these people that you see on these comedy award shows, like Steve Martin with an arrow in his head, he could suck my dick.

So like, I know we're fucked up. And I'm not saying nothing disrespectful to nobody. I'm just telling you how I feel, and if you have a problem with that, come on down. Right, but you also said at the beginning, they said if you knew what you knew now, you would have left before that. I would have left, I would have left,

but that is something that sticks out of my mind. I'm happy I didn't. Okay. Because I was part of those fucking lineups. And a lot of people- You weren't just part of them, dude. You were a fucking- A lot of people wouldn't make those lineups today.

A lot of people would walk in, look at that lineup, and go, my mother's in bad shape. I gotta run home, you know? Yeah. And I saw it. I saw it. For years, you couldn't be an Okdokie comic and walk into the store. It was not gonna work for you. No. And now over the years it's gotten softer and oh my god

I love your hair. That shit did not work. Forget, god damn it. It was someone I was, I just was watching like a really great comic talking about competition and he was saying that it wasn't, oh, maybe it was Bill Murray. I don't know. But yeah, it was Bill Murray. But it wasn't so much like Bill Murray. I'm not in a standup sense, but in an acting sense, he's like, okay.

And that's what the store felt like then. And I wasn't part of it. But to like, it was all the best in the store felt like then. And I wasn't part of it, but to like, it was all the best in the world being the best. So if you were even a step, it would have been like noticeable. It would have been noticeable, I think. Very noticeable.

And I think, you know, like that's, I'm glad you stayed for that too. Cause like, dude, I don't know. And I just like going to the, going to shows back then and see and having people like, whether it was the 20 minutes of the store or the hour, it was just a crazy, I've never experienced stand up like that.

No, it was hard hitting. All those people that wear hats, that take pictures of themselves smoking a cigarette, that think they're cool, they disappeared from that. Anybody with scarves, you know, guys that wear scarves to be cool on a Tuesday night, they disappeared from that. Tattoos and piercings, that shit didn't go over. It was a stage and a microphone. And you better bring it, just like life. You come with all disguises you want. The piercing, yeah.

Come with all disguises you want. When that shit blows over, either you got it or you don't. You can wear your little skull caps and smoke a cigarette and be cool in front of your friends. But when the road, the shit comes down, either you got or you don't. Those hats, those tattoos, those hairdos with the spike, you know, I'm going to put blonde streaks. So my friends come up to me and go, oh, my God, no, that's not funny.

Right. And that's what happened. That's why you go to some comedy clubs, people up there with like a suit with sneakers on on go fuck yourself Go fuck yourself. This ain't a costume party. Yeah, there's a lot of you know, they said a costume party You know and that's why I always respected the store and I respected coming out of the store There's a I saw a fucking dude play the piano one night at the store And Eddie Griffin went up and he goes the st. The Music Store motherfucker, there's the comedy store bitch and we fucking, and the guy would kill.

The guy would kill with his piano. He's a black guy, la la la la. The St. The Music Store motherfucker, the guitar center's down in the corner. You go down there and play all the guitars you want, drums and pianos, it's not fucking comedy. And now what they've done, I'm not even gonna get to the subject there because I have people banding up a fucking,

a banding ship. But right now you're in a spot, Lee, that you have to make it, you have to be funny and figure it out on your own. That's it. You have to figure this out on your own. In time you'll latch on to a club that gives you seven spots a week. That'd be great. And then you can work your shit and then it's going to take one person to go, hey, I come in and out of the New York comedy club. I banged the sister. That's what happens. For years you're over there sending tapes going over and all of

a sudden it takes one guy to go, I played golf with a fucking guy. You want me to call him tomorrow? And that's what happens, but at least you're not at home. And that guy said to you, I'll talk to him tomorrow. What if you're just sitting at home with your girlfriend? Nobody gives me a spot. I can't get through in New York.

And all of a sudden I get you. That's a New York comedy club, now you're fucked. Yeah. You're there, you're prepared. Like when you do a sudden I get you. That's a New York comedy club. Now you're fucked. Yeah. You're there. You're prepared. Like when you do a pot, when you do, people think I used to go on the Rogan podcast and just get high.

I love that. I love that. Everything was planned down to my shirt. Everything is planned. I want you to think, I'm stoned. Yeah, keep thinking that motherfucker. That's how I rob you. And then you say, he's a thief because

You thought I was not gonna eat I was too coked up to pull a gun to your fucking head. Well, I'm not okay Yeah, I'm not okay. So it's the same thing when I went on Rogan I knew I was going on a tonight show, right? So you better bring some shit to make him go back and the people at home go, what the fuck is he talking about? Cause he's got a thousand guests on a year. Right. So if you want to go on there with your Okie doke story, but your grandmother or some bullshit that you, you know,

your father got a splinter. You gotta go over there and drop it. And that's the comedy scene in New York. When you get your chance, listen, bro, you know, this to do a spot in front of Mitzi Shaw when you get your chance, listen, bro, you know what it is to do a spot in front of a Metis show when you're doing comedy for eight years? It was scary, but I knew it was that, or me going back to North Bergen to sell drugs until I got shot, or OD, or died.

That's how I fucking did it. And it's weird to think this, this is the first thing I've been confident in probably my entire life. What, comedy? Yeah. Yeah. Confidence is not something I feel a lot. And I thought maybe I thought I did,

like I liked editing when I went to college for it. I was okay at it. But this comedy being confident in comedy, and I'm not saying for it. I was okay at it. But, and I, this comedy, being confident in comedy, and I'm not saying for where I am, like the last two, three months, I feel very confident that I didn't before. Why do you feel confident? Because you're prepared.

Okay. Okay, nobody likes surprises because they're not prepared. Right? Right? Yeah. You're prepared, motherfucker. And getting on stage every night, Okay, nobody likes surprises because they're not prepared. Right? Right? Yeah. You're prepared, motherfucker. And getting on stage every night, and you know, I know, listen, man, five, six, seven years

of comedy, it sucks. It sucks. You're trying to give up your job. You're trying to quit your day job. You're trying to make enough money every month to keep that. There's always a club that doesn't want to talk to you. There's always, you know, there's always an obstacle, but there's obstacles in life. Right?

So the first obstacle you have now is getting rid of this fucking job next year. That's one obstacle. Now you got to make enough money to pay the bills and all that shit. And that stress alone will kill you. And that's why will kill you. And that's why you don't go on vacation. Because the first you become like, I always tell people, I've loved working on commissions since I'm a kid.

You know why? Cause on the first you and me are even. There's no, Joey Deer has been doing comedy for 30 years. There's none of that. We're even on the first. And that gets my dick hard. I never wanted a, why are you going to, you know, I'm working for this. Well, you have a ceiling over your head now. So go for it motherfucker. If you're on commission, you got to tell

mama we're not going to parakeet islands this year and stick to it. I don't give a fuck dump me. I'm not fucking doing it. I don't have time fuck dump me. I'm not fucking doing it I don't have time to lose when I'm 60 then I'll fucking go to parakeet islands or whatever idea your family has all this shit If you want something you got to go for it, man Yeah, I know and that's it. You're in New York. You're in the fucking major leagues So you better go home and think about how do you belong in the major leagues? I know I belong. Maybe you're looking at this differently. I want you to look at it like, what am I going to do to belong in the major leagues?

It took me seven years to realize I was in the major leagues. And I stopped snorting coke and I go, I'm in the major leagues, motherfucker. What the fuck am I doing with my life? You're in the major leagues, not as as LA right, but you're right there So you have to switch your thinking and get how am I gonna get noticed? Because that's pretty much it. Mm-hmm. You have to get mentioned before you get noticed So somebody's gonna have to go man. Have you seen this little fucking Julie? Sian? He was on fire the other night You know,

and that's, it's such a fucking catch-22. And you guys think like, look, I remember going to LA, you can't get an agent. Well, why can't I get an agent? Because you got to have something. Well, the only way I could book a movie is if I have an agent. Well, figure it the fuck out, right? And you walk out of the office going, what am I gonna do? Okay, I gotta go down to the fucking thing every Wednesday. George, remember? Every Thursday I used to buy that stupid magazine that they used to sell at all the newsstands in New York. Well, they sell those in LA too.

And you gotta go in there and open up the paper and go, oh, I'm gonna go do a college film that shoots at night with three Chinese kids that don't know how to shoot a film They're gonna shoot my feet And that's what I did for two years I just applied for all those and I would get it on Wednesday So the envelopes went out on Thursday and I would hear back by Friday

There was no like oh well, and I would do that while I was coked out When I get home from the comedy store I'm like I fucking do those envelopes and write out with your hand instead of typing so they know you put the time into it. It's fucking A to Z. It's not just, it's A to Z. And that's a lot of people don't understand. And that's why people become magicians.

Because they don't want to put the work in. They don't want to put the fucking work in, Lee. So you got the world by the balls, you're young, you got money put away, you know, it's time to really sit down and write your goals and not overthink shit. You know, you're the type of guy that you have a plan and then in war you change it. Stick to it, motherfucking plan. You haven't even really executed it, but stick to it. Put a new reel up every 15, every 33 months.

But I gotta see it on Facebook. I gotta see it on Instagram. I gotta see it on my daughter's Instagram. Like if I look at her Instagram, when I'm a kid Instagram, I wanna see somebody sharing it on there. That's your, those are little things that you do. And even if nobody sees it, who's watching? The universe, the universe,

the universe is always fucking watching. And even if nobody says, well, I didn't get in the package, it's great. You'll get one when it's too fucking late, when it's the apocalypse. And that's the package you'll leave coming. But that's how you have to look at it, but you can't give up. No. Listen, don't get down on yourself, bitch. I get down on myself, and I've been doing this for 33 fucking years.

And I know in the beginning when I was struggling, I'd really get down on myself. For a few days. It's an emotion. Like if you bombed, you'd get down on yourself? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Like right away bombed you'd get down on yourself? Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Like right away you'll know what happened. When you bombed, as soon as you get off that stage,

soon before your girlfriend comes up to you, oh my God, you were so funny. No I wasn't, shut the fuck up. I already know what I did wrong. I went up there with too ego. I went up there with too much ego. I went up there with too much bravado. I didn't introduce myself properly. There's a thousand reasons why you didn't bomb. And yeah, in

my mind, all those reasons, shove them up your ass. I bombed because I sucked. And you could give yourself, oh, the wind. You know, there's comics. The microphone system, keep telling yourself that. Keep telling yourself that stupid excuse you bombed because you sucked go home have a roast beef sandwich And come back tomorrow. Let's try this motherfucker again It's the same thing when the when the Haitian kid beat you up. You're not gonna stay here We're gonna have a roast beef sandwich go out there and go. Let's go. Rudy the Haitian Let's get another three fucking rounds. And if you get beat up, it's the same shit.

You go home, have another rosebeet sandwich and go out there on Wednesday. And eventually you're going to get a punch in and eventually you're going to knock the motherfucker out. Right. I'm I'm definitely feeling that, man. I I think I could see I could see. I could see right now you're feeling the only place in the world let's take all these marks and then have a normal conversation mushrooms one gram unbelievable first of all you have pictures of two different

mushrooms there are one eight also you get you get here, a Ziploc bag, 26 different mushrooms in there. I gave him the mushrooms. No you did not! I sweated my daughter. I weighed the mushrooms. And even if you did, that's still three grams of mushrooms. I'm fucked up. Who gives a fuck, Lee?

What do you mean who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck. Did I complain one pocket? I'm just fucked. I ate mushrooms every week with Josh Wilson. Let it go, Lee. Stop it, you're not in training. You do that pussy shit during the week,

those 25 milligrams and you play high. And then you come here and look what happens to you. I was fine. You can either pay me now or pay me later. I've been paying. I didn't say one weird thing. I've been lean out of space in a long fucking time. Why are you getting all upset?

Because you keep saying. Because you dilly dally. No one's dilly dally. I'm not too fucked up. I gave him, in fact, I gave him a smaller one. No you didn't. That I put, I'll show you right now motherfucker. A smaller one, I won't say.

I'll show you a, I gave you. Yeah, it was short but it was thick. Look, I gave him a smaller one. A smaller one. Look, I showed you this one that was 1.5. You're using pictures from eight months ago. And look who was on, 1.88. I forgot about this.

No, last week, you, I kept saying, you didn't weigh it. You didn't weigh it. And then, dude. He cries. No, I didn't cry. No matter what. You said I weighed it. You were looking for pictures in October.

You're like, I took them, but I weighed it. And I'm just looking for the picture. You were looking for pictures in October. You're like, I took a bite, I waited, and I'm just looking for the picture. You were in October looking for mushrooms that you'd already shit at and grown another mushroom. I don't know a word he's saying, this poor little fucking zonbalm. You know what I'm saying. I don't know nothing. Yes, you do. Man, he's just over there getting all like,

it's like Gaza beat up your mom. What the fuck is wrong with you? Cause you keep saying I'm doing shit, I'm lying and I haven't cried once. It takes you 20 minutes to eat them. I'm so sorry that the mushrooms don't taste good. You come, oh they don't taste good. Who cares how long it takes me to eat them?

You eat that fucking lizard meat. What lizard meat have I eaten? This shit you've been eating for 30 years and now. You keep saying that they paid, the restaurant paid Google off to take lizard meat off the review. You can't do that. There's no lizard meat. God damn it. You've been eating lizard meat off the review that you can't do that There's no lizard meat You believe in lizard meat since I can't say anything about food in my entire I'll be 60 years old saying

I like this restaurant lizard meat. Yeah You know why it's like sucking a dick when you're 21, you're never gonna win an argument after that, you know that Yeah, well, I would have done this. I didn't eat lizard meat You said 20 years ago that never get forgotten after that, you know that. Yeah, well I would have done this. I didn't eat lizard meat, you said I ate lizard meat. Did you suck a dick 20 years ago? That never gets forgotten. You ate lizard meat at that restaurant on top of the French and they told you it was carnitas.

First of all, I like carne asada, not car, you like pork. That was not carne asada, Doug. This was the worst restaurant you could see was condemned and he's in there every week. It was not condemned. 20,000 restaurants in North Hollywood This guy will condemn to North Hollywood. Have you seen? One night I gave him and his girlfriend a gift certificate to a fucking fine dining establishment

Mortons and these guys still didn't take it. Yeah, we saved these. It was also for lunch, by the way. Well, she wanted to eat some fucking mystery meat from somewhere. This is a relationship 10 years ago. Why am I in trouble for what she wanted to do when we lived in LA? Because, because, because this falls on you. No, it doesn't.

Okay, I gave you $100. I gave you a $100, give certificate for Morton's, and instead you went and got mystery meat somewhere because she wanted to get mystery meat, and so did did you. Okay maybe I did. A fine restaurant. I don't know, a taco sounds good sometimes. So now you're gonna fucking tell me you never even listened to me. So the first day you get the gift card I have to use the gift card? Exactly, immediately. Immediately. It's like if I'm going to Burger King and somebody gives me a fucking card to Maestro's to get a steak. There's no double thinking, Lee. I wasn't double thinking. I don't know.

I don't remember what happened last week. You didn't end up at the steakhouse, did you not? What? You didn't end up at the steakhouse. Probably not. No. So that means you eluded me. But what does this have to do with today?

What are you talking about? The steak I didn't get right away in 2016. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. He's losing his mind. You're just saying this like it's a normal conversation. He's like a battered woman. Look at him. He. Look at him. Look at him. Look at me. Look at him. Look at him.

He loses his mind. He's just saying this like it's a normal conversation. He's like a battered woman. Look at him. He won't stop. Oh, you won't stop. Look at him. He's red.

This isn't 2016. I haven't seen him that upset since fucking, you know. You're bringing up fucking a relationship that was two relationships ago. But that's like I said to you. Once you suck a dick, I'll never get forgotten. What dick did I suck? Once you eat lizard meat. I didn't eat lizard meat though.

Yes, you did. You kept eating it over. What dick did I suck? Once you eat lizard meat. I didn't eat lizard meat though. Yes you did, you kept eating it over. We used to go to a place. Delicious breakfast place. Best bacon you ever had. It was good bacon. Ask him. How many times he went there?

I went a bunch. They would go to Denny's to eat that. We would not go to Denny's. We would not, no, no, no, no. You're lying. They would go to Denny's. Fucking fake news. I did not go to Denny's.

The thing that you get upset about is that I would get it to go. I lived two blocks away. Yeah, why would you get it to go? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He's been eating lizard meat on french fries and shit. Call me where I eat motherfuckers. Long Beach. Yeah, carne asada fries is good. Listen, I know, carne asada fries, but the problem was there was no carne asada on those fries. It was lizard meat or pigeon, because you love those restaurants. Well, the pigeon tastes good motherfuckers.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. That's right. And now you want to say that with your little juke feet. You want to say that, you know? Anyway, guys, it was a great show. This poor bastard. Oh, fine. You're going to be fired up. You're talking about 2016.

We're going to start documenting how long it is to eat. One point five. I'm still not done with the mushroom. All right, let's say the gram. Let's say the mushroom was 1.5 grams. It still took him 22 minutes. Who times someone? He looks at it. If I gave him a fucking egg roll, it would be done.

Yeah, because it's a much more enjoyable experience. It could be two days old, and he would eat it in three seconds. A mushroom, but they don't taste good. What about the lizard meat? I didn't eat lizard meat. And if I did eat, it was good. Yeah, but they don't taste good. What about the lizard meat, if he is? I didn't eat lizard meat. Yes you did. And if I did eat, it was good.

Yeah, because they creamed it up. Thank God. They put cream on it, or they came on it, whatever the fuck you ate. Oh, now they're coming on it? Yeah, because you like it. Anything but fucking straight up cocksuck. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the show today.

Sorry about this fucking mutage. What did I do? Never ate the mushroom, never wants to be in training. I'm in tra- We're soldiers here. Look at the shape. Last week he looked like he was doing coke. Every time he called him, Lee, what?

What? That wasn't me. But anyway, Lee, where you at this weekend? This weekend I'm at Off Cabot, Friday and Saturday, the 29th I'm at Broadway Comedy Club. That's next week. I know. I didn't ask you about next week.

I told you. I asked you about this week. I know and I told you where I was. All right, but don't mention next week. This week we're at the Dojo on Wednesday night, that's it. Doing a couple sets, I owe you people a shot since before the hospital stays and that's it, motherfuckersers I love you

Tip Top Magoo I want to thank Draft Kings I want to thank Better Help Lease People and Blue Chew and I want to thank you guys for watching stay black have a great week cocksuckers What's up beautiful people, Uncle Joe here. If you want the maximum out of your sex life, you need BlueChu Max. It combines the active ingredients like Viagra and Cialis into one chewable tablet. Bam! This baby's going to get the job done for you quickly. It acts fast and it seriously lasts. And if that's not enough, BlueChu's online service sends your ED meds right to your door. Nobody knows nothing. You talk to the doctor, he approves it in two days. And listen, in three days you'll be jumping up and down with a new Margarita.

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important safety information. Like don't eat ten of them, you know what I'm saying? Because then you really fucking knock people out. And I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the show.