Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Let's get this party started!

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee why he loves Monday's, why his most recent talk with his Uncle meant so much to him, getting arrested on vacation, and why he wants to give Lee 400mgs, a wig and some heels. Support the show and get 20% off all mattress orders and 2 free pillows. Head to https://www.helixsleep.com/JOEY Support the show and win big with DraftKings. New customers can start playing with just $5 and get $100 instantly in Casino Credits. Download the DraftKings app and press in code JOEYSLOTS The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

It's 82 degrees here outside and it's like eight below in my basement. Yeah, I Got a jacket and a hooded sweatshirt on and a fucking underarm on to that And you love it. Oh, I love being cold. I like getting warmer Holy shit, that's it man interesting day, you know Tasting fucking samples of edibles flavor. Yeah, what do you like? Cranberry coconut nice. There's a couple good flavors there. They're gonna make a pina colada A special 3,000 milligram for Lee. Whoo really? Yeah Edibles for Lee with no percentages on it anywhere from 100 to 2000 and

That's it. You just take it out of the bowl and take your chances Columbus did that'd be great if you could do that No more. We mean if we could do that, we're doing it. Talk sucker. Well, you can't you can't put them first nail You what can well wow, you can't like everything's so regulated. You can't just have something like a I wonder what milligram it is Well, here's the deal you have You know for the stores and for Gentiles You know, I need to sleep more I have nightmares of children screaming in a fire or

You know and then we have the black market one I Never got offered the black market one. How do you? Black market since I met you you know I'm saying you don't even know Like I told you that everyone in your bloodstream like three or four years ago You know if you don't remember those heroin tablets you took no, I remember that you said they were cat tranquilizers No, no, that's not heroin. That's cat tranquilizers, you know, okay That really did take a cat tranquilizer. Yeah cat tranquilize. I gave you fucking I don't know what's worse Doggie down is whatever I got in Vegas from those weekends. You got we both got I ate him too

I took a chance to I don't give a fuck Are you gonna go to somebody if you don't eat it yourself, you know, I'm saying why don't you use my photos? I toast myself first Not first you did it at the same time then you then the next guy, you know I'm saying And what did you do with these like findings did you ever like What did you do with all this research you did on people? The research I did was uh, listen, I do research on everybody like right now. I'm doing a study Every time I eat mushrooms one gram or below. I sleep an hour and a half longer. I

Sleep better when I get up to pee in the middle of night smells like the vegetable section and fuck Anthony Leonis But I sleep better and that's something that I've been doing Somebody gives me mushrooms. I order them whatever You know silly's coming through this week dropped a nice box on me fucking white sweatshirt, which nobody sends you they don't have class no more and They sent me some fucking chocolate goodies, you know I eat like a gram of mushrooms and I Sleep a lot better. That's fucking insane Every once in a while get a little tingle, you know, I eat about a gram gram and a half. I ain't lying to you It's I just eyeball it. You know, I weigh it. I know it's in there I know it's in there. I know it's in there. I know it's in there. I know it's in there. I know it's in there

I know it's in there. I know it's in there. I know it's in there I know it's in there. I know it's in there. I know it's in there. I know it's in there I know it little tingle, you know, I eat about a gram gram and a half. I ain't lying It's I just eyeball it, you know, I weigh it. I know it's in there and then I break it into fucking pieces Now what's the dust I eat at all? Fuck it? What would like let's say you were trying to like not go to sleep? Let's say you're trying to like have fun. Like what would you take then then I'll eat the fucking garden You know, you know me dog Then I become Joey the mushroom man, but I can't handle that no more. I

you I Can't handle that intensity with a kid upstairs Okay, like I told you what happened to me last night. I ate some shroomage. I was feeling good I was watching the King of New York Nobody was around and all of a sudden I started tripping a little bit while I was watching the King of New York Now I'd seen this movie a thousand times, but there was nothing else to watch. It was early everybody had gone to bed already everybody was tired from getting up and fucking eight in the morning to go play softball and sit out in the Sun and

You know the mushrooms were hitting me. And I'm watching this fucking thing, and all of a sudden I'm thinking about, wow. I can't imagine being like 16 and tripping, you know? Like, all of a sudden that came to me. And I go, what was I talking about? I was tripping the night my mother died, you know? And within fucking 2 centimeters of time the phone ran

But whoever was calling was blocked. It wasn't blocked blocked. I couldn't see it. There was a remote control on it or something So I just assumed it was you and when I went to pick it up with my uncle and I'm like, oh fuck And I picked up the phone I spoke to him and it was like talking to my mother it was like a fucking message I think sometimes when you eat mushrooms certain situations happen a thousand percent. It's it's I'm not really a spiritual person, but there's something that it's like more than can just a coincidence I think not every time I'm not saying every time like your life's gonna change like little things like that happen It's really crazy. I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I'm not saying every time I I think not every time I'm not saying every time like your life's gonna change

Well, I little things like that happen It's really crazy. I still remember one night specifically We had to be like ten days after my mother died and I'm out with the boys It's like a Tuesday night. There's a rider was staying at my house. So I meant I had no fucking curfew, you know. She would be hammered like by 8.30. But the time I got home, Zoraida would be fucking lit to death. And I get home, it's got to be like 11, maybe quarter to 11. I went home early. There was still savages out running from cops and you know, we were trying to drink at a certain location, the cops would come with their lights then we'd run who saved four beers, you know

But I'll never forget going home as the writer was asleep and I went into my room And I was watching HB out And it was the blob Alright and I knew I had seen it before. And I'm tripping my ass off and I'm watching this fucking blob. And it's like, I think Steve McQueen's in it, the early one. And it's just like a scene that I don't know. To this day, I haven't really discussed it with anybody.

I don't know if it was the acid or I don't know if it was the movie But it's like the guy comes in for a haircut and the guy's Italian the barber And all sudden he's sitting cutting his hair and the blob comes through the bottom of the fucking door like the gel You know, it was like a gel the block I guess Hello, Julie. Hey, I look for that scene and I can't fucking find this so I don't know if it was tripping I don't know if I was in my head Did you ever trip like an entire movie oh I've tripped for an entire fucking night like

eight o'clock at night to six in the morning and from ten to four You're fucking burning and from 10 to 4 You're fucking burning like from 10 to 3 you're like every time you look at the clock another hour moves You're like what's happening the time and then at 3 you think you're down But somebody offers you a bomb hit and then you pick that fucking savage right back up again Jesus Christ and it's putting you to sleep now, which is crazy. I mean it never puts me to sleep at all Yeah, I remember in the 80s and they were putting everything in that shit rat tranquilizer

I forget the name of the chemical that's in rat tranquilizer. So whenever you took it your jaw would go Like all the rats and shit. Oh, it was tremendous I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm gonna see if I can find it, but yeah, that's the shit, you know smoking TAC crystal The other day I went to the doctor's office and I'm walking in I had a nine o'clock it's about a quarter

And I get up listen music fucks me up in the morning regardless of what music I put on like sometimes I'll come down and just take a chance and put like a roll on a mix. And today it opened up with Pink Floyd, Fucking Dogs. I'm not even awake yet. I'm listening to Dogs Barking in my office and shit. And then I'm fired up, so I listen to it like three times. I finally got up into the garage and did like two bonnets

And then the next song is fucking public enemy. So now i'm ready to stab somebody right like i'm like what the hell is going on here And I went out and I made a video with the geese with the pelicans whatever the fuck they are chasing me They were still out there today. Those cocksuckers at about 530 so And I'm thinking to myself wow, I'm having the best day ever number one. I ate mushrooms last night So I wake up more refreshed But number two how the music and it be Monday Like it just connected today perfectly. I love Mondays. My dick gets hard on Mondays. I go to bed on Sundays dreaming about Mondays.

What about Mondays? I just love Mondays. It's a second chance. It's another fucking day. It's another week. It's a new month. I get so excited about Mondays that everything that happened last week happened last week

You know your burglarize the wrong house. You got ladies shoes and stand eight it happens. We got the wrong info Move on you know I'm saying you lost ten thousand with the bookie on Saturday, you don't know how you're gonna get it. It's Thursday. It's Monday. It's a whole new week I got three days to make 10 G's I'll never make it. It's cheaper for me to get a grand and leave town for a week And live like a doctor in some fucking hidden cave down there and fucking Not even the other place Key West. I feel like this one's a little bit specific What's that? You like they feel like that's something that happened to you like what?

Like you want someone like you have to make ten thousand in three days. Oh, it happened to me a bunch of times When did he start loving Mondays strict nine that was yeah Thank God. I got the boys in the backdrop and knowledge. It was on the tip of my tongue anyway Breaking that up I still remember walking the back streets and bumping into friends of mine from high school and I'd be tripping my balls off on mescaline which is strict nine and I fucking we grind up this acid and put it in the weed and make hamburgers with a piece of hash and Light that motherfucker up. Whoo

You're smoking rat poison now, you know, that's why I tell people listen I'm gonna end up with a fucking tube of my nose If you don't think I know that already like my breathing has been off for 10 years. I listen about two years I got the oxygen tank. I Figure out how to put a bong in the oxygen how to mix the oxygen with the reefer And it's a different world. It's a different game for uncle Joey. You know what I'm done What is it about when you you're turning 50s and 60s that you guys just start talking about immediately dying? Everyone in my life whenever they turn 50 they show you where the will is. I hate it. Listen when you turn 50 you didn't do blow

You didn't bang anybody up in Idaho, you know, you didn't do any bad. You didn't eat no foreign pussy So you you know Unless you gain a lot of weight Fucking yeah, what's this? So you got Jewish blood? You guys are good. You know, you outlasted everybody else all the kingdoms The Ming Dynasty the Chinese they were hard to we beat all the kingdoms You know you go. You know what? I can make it to 80 like yesterday. I spoke to my uncle and he's 86 I can make it to 80 like yesterday spoke to my uncle and he's 86 Right on my mother's sister the one she stabbed the guy over

She's 81 She walks to work. She just opened up a business Wow good for her Yeah, she makes three dollars a day in the communist country, but at least she's trying Three dollars is always better than the small zero I was gonna say let's get this motherfucking party started bitches turn off your TVs run for your lives it's over they didn't put you on this planet just to give up That's what you got to be thinking What's up there How's it going buddy? You know me Monday Tuesday. I'm ready to fucking stab somebody. I feel good. I Look good. I got some sunburn. I got so fucking burnt

That last night I'm eating those mushrooms and at some point I'm watching the King of New York and I scratched my forehead and I looked down and there's water My fucking floor on my fingers and I'm like, holy shit. It's over I'm sweating profusely. I wasn't sweating I already had those little bubbles on my head like I got stung by a jellyfish, but I didn't even go to the beach What happened we just out of this off-ball game all day? Well, that's not my way saying you want to put some sun. I don't know. It's strong I need this you got a fucking burn that one skin one time

That's what people understand. You got to burn that skin the one time a little bit and then you're good for the summer I'm ready. I'm ready for sunshine. I'm ready for a good summer Smoking dope, you know, I got a gig the whole fucking deal. Oh Yeah. Yeah, What's going on? Nothing i'm gonna play the tuba in the fucking submarine band. I don't know I don't fucking know. I got nothing going on. I got dicks Well, that's good. I got johnny dick and his cousin johnny dick. What? I don't know

I uh, I can't even imagine Can't imagine what I don't know. I'm really fucking high. I know you are you tell me you still ain't like 35 milligrams No, I didn't let me short. I got like I got a fly the boss and stuff them in your nose 200 in each fucking nostrils. Yeah, you feel that Jesus Christ. No, but I did I was thinking about you yesterday because I was in John, huh? Yeah How did he know? Um, but I, we, I stayed over in Cape Cod this weekend to do a show. And the next day, as we were checking out,

this dude at 11 o'clock was hammered and was getting arrested on vacation. And he had to leave the hotel. And I was like, that must suck. Getting arrested on Vacation and did you ever like did that ever happen to you or do you know anybody who got like fucked up on vacation? listen You know why I hate vacations Why is that because that's what happens You get arrested

listen, I mean Vacation in this country means you're going somewhere to get a habit for a week happens You get arrested listen, I mean Vacation in this country means you're going somewhere to get hammered for a week Right. That's what we've got the vacation to when you go to cruise you think you go out there to look at the fucking icebergs You go out there to drink with no responsibility No wonder so burke could sell a cruise around the world right now He could just quit comedy and sell cruises get on the ship for seven days Fill out insurance paperwork never know what'll happen. This is Titanic revisit. That's what I would do father

You have what you bring comics they fuck drink they gamble they play the drums Karaoke, you know Burt's a fucking genius when it comes for that shit Yeah, all like his toy is taught that seems cool. I would I would do it. That's a weird thing to do Like a full cruise like a whole week. That's awesome With your people in a big bedroom, you know living like and you're not living like Gilligan a little fucking Place small in prison. That's what they give you in those rooms. That's what they never show you.

They always show you at the shuffleboard and people by the jacuzzi and people by the pool. Everybody getting sun, everything's beautiful. Show me what those fucking suites were. You put two people in there and they got to fuck around like fucking, you're in Auschwitz, fucking ducking ceilings and shit. Yeah, how long do you think you would last on a cruise? 15 minutes

First time I hit one of those crazy countries. That's it. Bob way. Ah I'll just throw my hat in the fucking ocean. You'll see a float. No, he must have died died yet to get the hat. He's dead. That's it That's it Good abandon ship. Yeah disappear for a month. Nobody knows nothing. You know I'm saying Cash out the credit cards get some cash fucking put in put in Plastic cellophane like so if it like you're coming from Cuba, it won't get wet How are you gonna explain that one TSA opens your bag TSA now because listen relax. All right Don't worry about nothing you just get on the ship and I'll get you to that island. Nobody knows nothing for 60 70 days

Your mom like insurance on you whatever but we're not gonna do that. We're not gonna go to jail from fraud Thank God You had me we're gonna fuck with people like the Beatles did in 66 When they told the world that fucking whatever was dead And they believed it What happened? I don't know who did they say was dead? One of those fucking Paul McCartney. Oh, really? This is one of the Beatles was dead. Yeah Holy shit, and if you watch sergeant Poulson's What happened? I don't know who did they say was dead one of those fucking Paul McCartney? Oh, really? This is one of the Beatles was dead. Yeah

Holy shit, and if you watch sergeant Peppers, there's a couple album covers They fuck with you and these kids were smoking dope eating acid. They bought a hook line and sinker We can fucking make you disappear like fucking that chick that disappeared on the cruise They still haven't found them the guy's been arrested 18 times, but they still haven't found that poor Natalie Holloway rest in peace But guys arrested he confessed to killing. I mean what the fuck You got to get that guy nail him down and tell him listen. It's over. Tell me what a fucking crypt is So the body of the family could sleep they don't know they think he gave a Star a death she ended up on an island as a go-go dancer

Like fucking Hans Island testing out everyone and learning karate and shit Fucking people got no class Do you think you would remember exactly where it was what's that brother? Like he said like looking for her body like do you think you like 20 years later? I Would remember exactly where it was what's that brother? Like he said like looking for her body. Like do you think you like 20 years later? You could be like, yeah, it's right here You know man, unless he put it to the ocean and it just that's the only fucking thing he's got That poor girl didn't deserve to go like that. Nobody does you know I'm saying now back to fucking happier times Why do you drop this and boom and gloom on me?

My day started, you know I'm saying This dude was just fucking a hammered and I was no comedy last week getting on stage a few nights I got some secret open mics. I'm gonna drop into shit You know how I do it flat nice You don't even see me coming. I Did I have a couple of weird like not weird shows? But like I had one and I know you always say like never never blame the sound well, like the sound was just like no one could hear anything and

It was like I I ended up like walking into the crowd a little bit because there was no stage It was just like you're on the same. It was like a restaurant And like I made it work like I had a pretty good set and I was just like really happy That I've had shows look well like that where no one could hear you and I just like basically crumbled Well, here's the beauty of that there's two You know, there's two states of mind here When I say don't blame it on the microphone It said listen, I seen people at the comedy store

Come off in the original room and say during a showcase I can go the mic, you know It wasn't getting through I was in the back you didn't know you didn't have control You didn't have any presence behind your joke. You seen me on stage That's what I saw You might you know cop to it But when you go to fucking Ringo's house of steaks on Friday and Saturday as a semi-professional you better expect It's a good thing. I'm a professional. I'm a professional You know cop to it, but when you go to fucking Ringo's house of steaks on Friday and Saturday as a semi Professional you better expect if you're expecting Rick James studio

You're out of your fucking mind if you're expecting like a studio and Bruce Springsteen's house. It's not gonna happen They usually have that fucking speaker stand with the fucking tripod hanging on on your left I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, As a comic when you go up there You say two words the worst thing you could do as a comedian or young comedian because you have no material And don't get me wrong. I did this This is why I know is do ten minutes on the microphone Because I'll do that probably there for eight years and every comic that goes up does ten stupid minutes on the microphone instead of not mentioning it pulling it out of the way throwing it on the fucking floor and Just doing a one-man show style type thing

Right involve the audience more Definitely now listen when I was doing comedy five years I didn't know that if you want me to tell you I knew that from the beginning now that's after watching trying You know all that type of shit It's cool. It's cool to see like and it's just starting to happen Like you like me running into the same situation a second time Form it like you like me running into the same situation a second time

Like running and actually like seeing like oh, this is okay. This is something that I've dealt with before Lee if you were a construction If you were not a new construction, but let's say you were a remodeling contract okay, and you came to people's houses and built decks and Added addition to shit like this When you look at it, you go, this is a 12-day job But I'm gonna add two days as a professional and if it doesn't I'll tell them we've ended the job early and we're not gonna charge them and I look like a hero, right? That's the way to do it. Right. I added the two days

Because I know I'm gonna bump into something Okay, I know in the back of my mind again, I didn't know this is the six-year mark But finally one day you get it that instead of complaining Think of it like they gave you an opportunity to perform your fucking terrible comedy until you get better and they didn't complain and Here you are bad mouth and the onion rings and the fucking microphone, you know, the onion rings are soggy The tequila sunrise tasted like poison who gives a fuck They gave the opportunity take what's there right? Oh, yeah

Listen you go from an open mic doing comedy for 23 comics who don't give a Frenchman's fuck Four of them have mental illness one of them is on the run, you know Then you graduate to eight people then twelve people Then sixteen people and Bonnie's burrito basket gives you two nights a whole thing karaoke and stand up You got to set you know it just and then after a while if you're not going into fucking Madison Square Garden Carolines when it was open

Rogan's chapelle's the Comedy Store Gotham punchline at whatever There's gonna be a niche from time to time but not as much as when you go to a fucking bar What do you mean an inch Listen when I go to a come I can't tell you the last time I went to a comedy club and The system failed or something like that But I could tell you about all the one night is where I went where this is

then I fucking this guy's got a shitty bar in Idaho or Missoula, Montana, and he just wants people to come in on Tuesday nights right guy you come in and say you got to get a This this this this we think this fucking guy does he goes to Radio Shack And gets the opposite of everything you tell him right? Well, I want to give it a chance first Before I invest big money. Well guy this is part of the fucking angle if it don't work You got the speakers for karaoke. Don't you sing you got the eyepatch make it fucking the duo here

so That's you know, so now It's so weird so when I go into that bar I expect them to be something Why you support a philipes? Okay Philippe and willy bar center tremendous gentleman. They had a room down in whatever It was a washing money joint and montbello whatever the fuck They changed names 18 times but over those 18 times And those 15 years those motherfuckers did comedy twice a week

Was it just the same people the whole time just change rooms? Yeah, they kept changing the name or we kept selling, you know the different has they got bigger this big, you know Whatever. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have a point is this was not a comedy club This was where you went When you thought you were getting soft? Really you were doing too many comedy stores and too many laugh factories and too many ice houses and too many impromptu You went down there on fucking Wednesday and Saturday as a reminder How precious every fucking joke is and down there was gangbangers? And they had then you had to be careful with your heckles

Really you want to fuck with them? That's why the bar changed name so many times From how many people got their head busted out in the back Mexican bikers, you know I told you my man Martin Moreno had a fucking rule that we showed oceans on a Tuesday night and there was fucking candles Doorman got shot the night before That's why before that just got out of jail and asked me for ten bucks Can you lend me ten bucks? She started the bracelet from County? She had a paperwork and a jacket and she was looking for ten bucks to do blow You know these things are unreal, but that's the education

Right. I used to go to a place. There was a chubby dude from Boston. They used to book a place in South Bay it was a Wednesday night. They gave you a stew and something else potato salad. What up? And it was 50 bucks and if you were MC you got 25 to drive from Hollywood, which that's gas Yeah, that's not bad So I'd be 25 bucks for gas and you get the dinner and you get the open for some fucking he got some nice people to go down there But every time I went down there, you know, it was a 50 you could have

You could just do letterman Right, let's say letterman gives you a 15 minute spot. You got a standing ovation The next day you woke up like my man tony hinchcliffe. You want the cover of fucking variety? And the world is yours and you take that same set? and Go to Lulu's beehive Smoothie joint and somebody will fucking go that sucks and you'll be blown away Like I just did this in front of a national audience and it did great. Hey mom. Hi mom

But that's the game guys That's the game guys That's the game And and like you would send yourself to like those shows like I don't think all Like headliners or whatever are doing those shows once they get into like the store and the improvs and places like that Listen after like 2012 13 things started getting a little wild and You know what I've been in the rooms. I've been in one nighters

forever and It was time I Was older I was in my 50s, you know early 50s. I Didn't have time to play games anymore. I didn't want to get bumped anymore. I didn't want to You know, it's just something so I went to the store The last factory took care of me from time to time The improv always

You were there with me in Brea. Yeah, of course if it wasn't I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, You know, I had everybody down there. It was fun as fuck. People would eat edibles. You were coming down for the chocolate cake and we smoked dope around the back. And we had times that that's what comics do. You know, we weren't drinking. It was a Wednesday night.

We were just getting fucking lit. Eating, eating, getting tacos. People would bring tacos You know, it was just a great fucking time, but After a while, I didn't need those rooms anymore. I still went down to the rec room That closed closing. I still did other rooms. I can't remember what they were but I still did the ha ha I still did the ha ha

You've been running up there yeah, you know, I'm the type of guy like I know is all you saw me at the fourth wall You saw me a flap is what we fucking talking about here. You saw me. I like experimenting that's me, but I experimented too much when I shot my special and It's just what we won't get into that right now, but it's an educationally and at that point When I met you I was doing comedy 19 years Wow, okay, and I was about to go in to the biggest learning process of my life right I like making it

of no of getting from A mediocre situation to a better situation I didn't know how I was going to do it But I wasn't quitting I was going to keep trying to be funny and funny and funny and then you know the podcast world came up It'd be funny and funny and funny and then you know the podcast world came up and Then storytelling came up all the right things came at the right time Where my strengths all came together

Right and I'm just I was wondering about this before the show is like Was there like a moment? Not I know I just make it but like when like you felt successful as a comic Like was it like a one-time thing or was it like something that just gradually happened? I Don't feel successful as a comic really no But I do feel successful as a human being and the things that I accomplished I don't know if I'm gonna make it Really? No But I do feel successful as a human being and the things that I accomplished You know what I'm saying What's the difference like why why do you not feel like you made it there as a comic?

You know Jerry Seinfeld made it as a comic Joe Rogan made it as a comic Kevin James, you know, it's a It's just little things that you do to make you who they are and then there's a Guy in Tennessee that you've never heard of That could make us all fucking just die and bang on a table and go what the fuck? You know the stars have to align So, okay, I love high hopes Bang on a table and go what the fuck you know the stars have to align So, okay, I love high hopes I never had like Kevin Hart dreams or No, I never had anything like that. I never wanted to pursue that there's things you could do

To make you appear body guards Right. No, I never expected you to have any of that or you know 12 people traveling with me You know everybody fucking getting lit people getting DUIs I'm fucking I'm having a hard time being responsible for me. I got to be responsible for 18 people Right But you're most happy about I'm happy about my journey at the store I'm happy that I was never banned from there You know like people talk about like Eddie Griffin was bad Joe was banned for a while, you know couple people you get into

For all this shit. I used do down there. I never got banned You know was it something you worried about? I worried more about getting banned for bombing Oh that would suck because At the end of the day the reason why I changed because I had to get respect for something So I took comedy very seriously. And most importantly, since I failed at everything else, for me to be good at it, I had to respect it.

I had to respect the power of it. I had to respect it. And once I started respecting it, as much as I did not running a light, not stealing a joke not so many things What people don't look at? Is what I looked at because I knew at the end if I stuck to those rules. They would make me a better comic And where would you find these nobody because I don't want to fucking

You know, I'm not big intake and I talked to you for a second I don't like that material you do who the fuck am I to come up to you and say I don't like that So many fucking things I don't like about that Right. You know, I don't know what the equation was late till this day I'll sit and go out this that this How and all I could equate for it is 30 years It took 22 23 for something to happen People are sitting at home. Well, you're a fucking loser

23 years fuck my cousin did it in four. Okay fine Where's your cousin now? Where am I? Right. I'm just waiting for the right time I can still run Do people talk shit to you about that stuff? The what do people talk shit to you about that stuff? Oh what I don't know like that. I took you too long or For a while people would give me shit that you know, I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that what I don't know like that. I took you too long or For a while people would give me shit that you know I look at this guy didn't 10 year didn't matter to me because I never thought I was gonna make it

So it was just something I could be involved in. I was already inside for fucking 20 years right in 2008 2017 that fucking 20 years Right in 2008 2017 that's 20 years inside Wow, so you're almost at 30 Yeah, three more years i'm at 30 and by that time i'm ready to fucking abandon ship anyway We think I want to do fucking shakespeare when i'm 92. I can see you doing shake cuban shakespeare I want to do fucking Shakespeare when I'm 92. I can see you doing shake Cuban Shakespeare You know it just you have to I always looked at it is for what it was. I didn't go to Montreal. I

Never got picked. I never had a big-time agent, you know No shows were developed around me. Then you realize Then you realize something through all our work Everything you put into it is based around one thing and that's selling tickets I grew up in this shit, you know The mob this that you're only as good as your last envelope And like that's what I was thinking when I when I was thinking about this earlier today my My definition of like being a successful comic is being able to do it And I think that's what I was thinking about when I was thinking about this earlier today I was thinking about this earlier today and Like that's what I was thinking when I when I was thinking about this earlier today my

My definition of like being a successful comic is being able to be on the road as Much as you want and whatever cities and clubs you want like in selling out like that like I'm sure all that other stuff comes with it. But to me like that would be like the dream Just doing like just selling out clubs whenever I want I Tell you what That's a great fucking dream to have but I'm gonna give you a better dream to have That you're gonna travel 35 weeks a year

And be the best smartest comic that you could be And be the best smartest comic that you could be Okay And you always need somewhere You know looking for what it is simplify the goal Simplify that fucking goal How you know, you know, how are you gonna get people that but right now I I don't want to get I just want people to become a solid comedian, right? I fucked around for 10 12 years. I get it You could become solid in five in your head. You think you're a legend at five and I'm okay

I'm okay with that. You're a legend you this you that you're gonna get a cold awakening somewhere Somewhere we all do and it's gonna be when you least expect it when your ego is on fire And some kids gonna go in before you with a violin get a standing ovation And you're gonna want to jump out the fucking window in the back because you've never had a deal with that, right? Yeah, exactly You know what happened? Why because we put ourselves in bad situation I told you my history a contest in the beginning. I was riding a little high I didn't know I

Thought I could just go in there be fucking Dean Martin and I still remember going up in front of the board at cu To open up for charlie hill the the american Indian comic that I became friends with Years later when I told him the story he goes you should have just called me I would let you open I go that wasn't now Right that was 1990 fucking two And did you not do well in front of the board? Well in my mind I was Johnny bananas I

Went up there. I did some powder and I before I'm Dean or D. Laurent this I'm 31 years old I ain't a bag of dicks. They just looked at me three people three little Indians were like what the fuck What the fuck is this? I? Still remember going for an audition at Copacabana Having two dollars in my pocket and paying 15 miles to park which took the wind out of my fucking sail For 15 minutes had a run in there get on stage and they threw characters at me and I did the same character Every time no matter what they asked for this is the only character you gotta go. Thank you I left there. Well, there goes my hopes aside that live

I can't even make another Spanish troop at the cope of fucking cabana There's so many things that I went to and I was far from it There's so many things that I went to and I was far from it My nerves, you know, there's so many fucking things that you'll catch as you put yourself in those bad positions You know going home after a bad bomb. That's a long hour drive. Oh Yeah, long hour drive. It's always at least an hour. I still remember driving from Wyoming after like a wild bomb and fucking Just going what the fuck

Thinking about quitting what my options were Can I join the navy with a felon? You know, you know your mind you get so fucking frustrated That your mind takes you into the deepest corners of how am I gonna get out of this? Do you even do you have the radio on because you're talking about music earlier if I when I bomb I don't even turn the radio On when I'm driving home. I like to them silence. That's too intense for me Because the mirrors start talking to me the glass starts talking. No, no, no, no, no, no, that's too intense for me I was telling Jimmy Florentine today, you know We were talking about how? You know, there's people who have these businesses where they watch you on stage I'm not gonna say any names

They watch you on stage and then they come up to you and offer coaching Okay Do you remember yes? All right and How he had one of those guys and we've all had them they come up to you at the they hang out the open mics They lurk back there like like fucking kid molesters And then they'll come up to you, and they'll come up to you with that credit. Like, I don't know if you've ever seen this.

And it's like, you know, somebody said I'm a great comic. But I got to LA. I got a deal. Mitzi wanted me to be a regular, but I didn't really want, was interested in the comedy store. And then my mother got a heart attack. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular

I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular. I'm gonna be a regular When you know a guy from the Hollywood Bowl dresses up like a dragon anyway Before we keep this party going. I got to turn to you guys. I got a new sponsor helix mattress I got one upstairs even but dog tremendous. We'll be right back. Give me five minutes Hey The check-in today is brought to you by and the newest sponsor to the check-in family,

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What do you got this weekly anything good? Yeah, I got two things on on Friday things. What do you got? On Saturday I love when you go off beat on me. You got what you gotta go to a voice coach pretty slowly for what? How do I do to work with you to give you more fucking um for your voice? No banana my tailpipe, you know I'm saying like this. We want to like talk like this I don't know you want me to lower my voice. I Listen, I don't know you got problems. Anyway, good So I'lls argue with you

I'm a fourth. I'm opening up for the God damn it. I'm just really high at the Rockwell for the lemon party podcast. Sorry You're opening up to them. Yeah, they're doing a live podcast and me and another comic are doing stand-up There are comedy podcast. Yep, and it's been the Ben from the Tim Dillon show and His brother his friend and it's a great podcast lemon party podcast and then May 7th. I'm at the Williamsburg Comedy Club 11 party podcast and then May 7th, I'm at the Williamsburg Comedy Club Shit may 7th, that's a Wednesday, correct a week from today

So that's a Monday Tuesday Hmm Hmm I might have something for you. Okay now it's coming to me Bestos Festos anyway Espiritos my lord you better be careful you in New York why protesters are out they gotta take you into a tent And like your balls on fire yell fucking things at you. I've never been happier like people would always come up and like I thought I looked like like the typical Jew. I gotta be honest. I thought I looked very jewish and People were always like oh you're jewish and I never would have been able to tell

Like it would be scary. Like it'd be scary in some places to walk around the world that you jewish. Don't worry about you I've been a flying jew for 15 years or whatever And now you like kevin james before the operation or after he took the slim tuck and then You know, you're gonna be fine. But you can't say you're one of those huts. They do creepy things up there in Colombia You know say you know, I've been to New York a bunch. I know I haven't seen anything weird But yeah out of the ordinary I did feet. I did want to talk to you I forgot about this the last time I was there. I kept seeing dudes pissing off of like the subway Platform like that's something that was new. I had never seen

Again, like no one can't no one Not gonna tell you sign people pissed on it's like in San Francisco You got download the app not to step in shit, New York ain't that advanced yet? There's a lot of techno people up there and fucking San Francisco They're on top of that here. They got to give you like a thing. We're not to get pissed on We're not to step on a fucking this we're not to get you know, we're Chinese women shouldn't go They don't want to get hit by a black dude

You know cuz every day a Chinese chick in New York gets fucking karate chopped by some black Me's vets, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck that promise You know when Bruce Lee came along the brothers are cool with the Chinese. Everybody was like, all right, we dig it kung fu But now it's back to every fucking day. I get up Queens Chinese woman gets karate chop by fucking black then it's always a black dude It's never a Jew and I'm not saying nothing bad about black people. I don't want people coming after me I'm just telling you the truth. It's funny as a matter of fact Even black people make fun of it

Why they always got a karate chop a black woman on the street and I see a lot of brothers with Chinese women or Asian women There's never a problem, but these homeless dudes I don't know what it is their lane in their fucking cardboard box one day Some Chinese ladies walking by with a bag of oranges and some fucking dim sum and all sudden fuck and this guy That's a karate puncher in that he doesn't even take the dips up And they're do I've never I haven't even heard about this. This is like a real news story. Yeah, I'm not kidding you During the pandemic it was worse now It's like two Chinese people a week at one up in Queens or Brooklyn and one in Chinatown

That's I Guess I'm just lucky. I haven't been I did have one guy come at me with that. Yeah, I can see a little bit You know Chinese I can see if you had unless I gave you 400 milligrams and put away on your heels Then you got a problem. I'll let you loosen the Bronx. You'll get like 18 karate chops Find a beard that's all over. Oh Yeah, Jesus Christ. Can you imagine me and high heels in the woods? Listen, I don't want to imagine it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to think about it because right now There's some young comic going you know what? I'm gonna roofie Lee and dress them up and take a picture of

Why would they rule? Why would they roofie me because that's the only way to get lady shoes on you It's tough getting lady shoes on those fucking Jewish fucking feet of yours. They're like red flintstone feet in that finally they are this I've never I have to go back and forth to fucking the shoe store where they get those those three pair for $10 You go to the fort you go to like the size 13s and 14s They get cheaper. They give you like a blue tag 80% off red tag 10% You don't know if you get to the register like a surprise Don't think you bought a lot of women's shoes

No, I tried to always bite when I was a fucking you know when you're on the road You have to go on those places to get sneakers You know when you're on the road you have to go in those places to get sneakers Right, so you have to go, you know, I'm size 13 So I would want the last I just can buy sneakers to you know Go to a party and I bought a pair of sneakers there for a while. You know plans I had a buy Size 14 in case the fungi toe popped out. So holy shit. Is that that old? Oh It's the fun guy top up that's a holy shit. Is that that old? Oh Yeah, the fun guy toe concepted in 1991 I

Dropped no 93. I'm sorry. I dropped a dumbbell in it in a gym. That was on Tungley Avenue That was a hotel when we were growing up that they converted into office buildings at a gym We were on the second floor the people come up from the office every day. When is the ceiling gonna come down? The one kid is up there doing deadlifts with like fucking 10,000 pounds and they throw the weight down. But the funny thing about that hotel was, it was a hotel.

They were the only hotel in town that had a fucking Sony Trinitron in all the rooms. And they were locked into a stand. Sure enough, I had a fucking Sony Trinitron in all the rooms and they were locked into a stand Sure enough. I had a buddy in high school was a nerd. He figured out He went down there with a girlfriend or a schoolteacher something and he figured out how to fucking steal the TV So really rent the room with a fake ID kick the door down take the TV and run And if the door next door is empty That was going down to we'd not gonna connect into anybody next door

Holy shit, how many TVs do you take about 12? By the time we got finished at the hotel, they didn't have TVs no more They fucking did communicate with like a little box in the room. Can we get you anything? They let them listen to the TV or some They will put the TV on downstairs this shit. Those are the great days. Those are like Hotels had dirty channels, you know like we had that was the best part about going to a hotel But they had like really dirty channels, you know, I don't like that shit But when when you're coked up and you need to get your dick hard those things at the spot But then you get to the hotel on Friday and Saturday you would have by the way

But what is free from Sunday to Thursday on Friday and Saturday? It's an extra $10 on your room charge You're like ten dollars takes me a minute to come I can't take that loss right now. It's either the ten dollars I gotta not buy this eighth of a fucking grand for the small 20. I Wonder if they even still have born in hotels. Do you think they do? Yeah Unless you go to like an hourly hotel where you're gonna fucking it's gonna take you now with a banger And then an hour to get off the sheets and then I would wash that stuff off you

Because somebody's got to go to the hardware store and get tar remover to take that whatever's on that fucking stomach It bit off, you know dollar, but what I'm trying to say to you is if you put on channel 18 That's where the porn was but it wouldn't come in clear Right now like buy it What I'm trying to say to you is if you put on channel 18, that's where the porn was but it wouldn't come in clear Right now like by it you gotta get the antenna pilot the bombardier You gotta get like the whole thing and stand and everyone's only got a little lucky But you can't play three minutes of a chick get banged Then you go to work and then the scene begun well you would never pay for it

go to work and then the scene begun. But you would never pay for it. Then I figured out something, who knows? That was 30, 40 years ago. I hadn't stayed in the creepy hotels in 1985. You know what I'm saying? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. What was the final straw? I had a lot a couple straws You know in Jersey, I caused damage at all those hotels, but they were great. That was a great education in 85 and Then going on the road like I still remember going to Rock Springs, Idaho and I had a shared room with another guy

You know and this fucking room stunk when we got there this guy took his shoes off and that stunk And then I took mine check made it that motherfucker and that room was not like a family little cigarette It was gonna go he was hot and the hotel was creepy the fucking doors were locked. I stayed at a hotel bunch of times in Tucson across from a diner a Mexican joint this hotel Lee you would have called me you would have left. I know that bad Yeah, you first off when you took the shower you would get pink eye. I know you it was one of those places one time You get picked two times you get pink eyes

You get picked two times you get pink eyes There you go You get pink eye just from walking in this place and the worst was I stayed down there because every Wednesday We'd go to Tucson like every Wednesday We go away. Yeah, he would fly us down We go away. Yeah, he would fly us down. It paid one fifty flat for the night, a free plane ticket and a hotel. And you got to take you to eat nice lunch and breakfast before you got back on the plane. That's a great deal.

The name of the club was Bugsies Wednesday. They got a bug to come in. But he can. It was a small budget. He paid for hotels. I mean, the flight then was 100 bucks round trip. Wow. Okay. I still remember going down there with Gabriel for 150 bucks. I lived in studio city then. It had to be 98. No, 97 going with Gabriel, Martin, Rudy Moreno, Felipe, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No 97 going with Gabriel Martin Rudy Moreno Felipe all of us every Wednesday. I go once a month That's awesome. But the hotel dog You would crack

He was a crack he was some women yelling you would smell women yelling, you would hear women yelling, guys yelling, couples fighting. And then one night we there was a girl who came with us, you know, Jesus, I didn't even think about the hotel till we got to the hotel. My phone started ringing about an hour after we got there that first. Yeah, the night of the show show we got back to the room. Everybody said goodbye See you to take the plane and she was banging on doors that they were trying to break into a room and shit so fuck

Me never thought about just driving No, not taking the hotel down I was trying to get out of cars at that point Okay, come eight down? I was trying to get out of cars at that point Okay, it was from comedy eight years. I was trying to get out of fucking cars I've been in a car for eight fucking years. I used to drive from seattle to la the way, you know Fucking we go to the 101 Right six months. I was in seattle. I took a trip every month. LA Every month I'd save up money shoot down. Thank god. My friend had a friend the couch hotel Yeah

I'm driving brother. I was driving five hours one way every weekend from fucking seattle to portland See it not seattle to portland, but seattle to oregon Parts unknown I was going to fucking all parts of, what's the other one you gotta cut through? Washington's pretty big, Idaho's fucking big. This was no joke, Lee. Washington State is huge. We would do, last week when I went to Moon Tower, I ran into a guy in the elevator, very sweetheart of a guy. And he was here showcasing his comics. And he was like, I'm gonna go to the moon tower, and I'm gonna go to the moon tower. Took last week when I went to Moon Tower. I ran into a guy in the elevator very sweetheart of a guy

And he was here showcasing his comics And I asked him where he was from he goes to coma the to coma comedy club and I go, you know, man In 1996 and seven when I used to do comedy in to coma We did comedy for a guy that had a karate school And we did it next door at a bar people booed you and he wasn't even put you in a hotel He put you in the fucking karate school. You slept on the mat with a pillow in the morning He bring you McDonald land and you were in your car because the class was coming in fuck but

At least it took not on the road. I that's that's pretty crazy I'm not gonna go in your car cuz the class was coming in Fuck But at least it's a night on the road like that that's pretty crazy 75 bucks for a feature And a buck 25 for the headline. I Still remember because I started as a feature then the last two two times He made me a headliner not because I was a headliner, but He figured you know and Like it didn't bother you as obviously didn't but like This hotel or like sleeping at the karate school wasn't enough to like make you not do the gig

You know man at that time. It was a Monday night. No, it was a Tuesday So Monday you would have the open mic at the Seattle Club, which you never missed. And then, or it was the other way around. Monday was Tacoma. Tuesday you had the underground if you want. And then something started at Moscow, Idaho. On Wednesday night, John Fox had the lounge at a hotel. On Wednesdays and Saturdays

So if you get Donna Richards to give you someone Thursday and Friday That was a fucking great week as a cop. Oh, yeah having a show a night a show a night I think the first night you slept on the karate floor. I Don't know where you slept the second night and then the third night They would give you a hotel not the best Thursday and Friday in that one room. I'm telling you that she'd give me all the time It was an okay hotel. Okay food. They gave me 35% off to eat you got a coupon when you checked in the food was god-awful and then You got a coupon when you checked in the food was god-awful and then

Saturday was a great hotel was the same one as Wednesday night It was like a Ramada or something like that. They had booze in the in the fucking cabinet. She would scratch her head I never had a visa card so they won't let me in there They wouldn't lay you in the rooms. No, they wouldn't let me know they wouldn't turn the phone on and They wouldn't fucking cuz I didn't have an ATM card How would you be able to check in the room cuz I don't know how you do that now cash 50 bucks Wow, not do it now It's impossible possibly

That's crazy that you wouldn't be able to do that now like you would you'd be stuck in your car would you That like that's always like the level that because I love I love stand-up Living in my car or something like that's one thing like I don't know if I have in me I hope not gonna want to ever happen. But Like that that amount of dedication is pretty intense. I love you dad But also no no disrespect you Jewish You're stuck in a town After Sunday you could check out Sunday and you got to pay for Sunday Monday Tuesday

At 180, you know what these hotels are going for now. Yeah, you got a hundred dollar hotel room now You're taking a chance is not gonna be hot water No shampoo those little towels that you need all eight of them and your freezes no heater in the back There's gonna be a tremendous by the way right no elevator and they put you on the 18th floor Blood in the sheets I've had that I mean where does a young we had this discussion the other day? Where does a feature at go? And the car yes No, this is how it's done guys. Okay. Yeah So the first time I come to Boston

I got a laugh Boston. i'm co-emceeing Like i'm that bad like the guy's just doing me a favor Because I work with his second cousin or whatever, but i'm not bad. I got like nine minutes But I don't know about all these intros and shit but That thursday there's an open mic and that wed Wednesday is an open mic and fucking I don't know name a town in Boston and I go when Wednesday night and I'm before you on the list. Okay again, you like that guy's got a funny joke

You know, he reminds me of this and then Thursday night I bump into you again at a different open mic like the second one of the night Mm-hmm, you know we start talking Where you from? And I'm a big shot. Yeah, I'm working left Boston this weekend. I'm Co-MCing it, you know We all know, you know, we all know but we're young with dumb and guess what? Will you come down and I finagle you and forget the guest set And

You know you find out that I slept in a hostel Wednesday and Thursday You like listen man Next time you come up here. Give me a call. I live with my mother. We got a basement You could crash there. Maybe you could tell I'm a solid guy. I'm a good comic. I work good clubs, you know The guy likes you Lee. He wants to even listen when I come up here next time I do The rooms I'll call you Lee and you could feature for me and six months later sure enough The guy comes up and now you become friends So every time I go to your bill you put me up and every time you come to Jersey, I put you up

Right and you develop that now the second time you go you go as a feature You crash them the third time you go you guys a feature You crash them this time. He lets you in the house He says like just I'm not gonna be there but just take over for me drive the car. I'll tell you what the fourth time Honestly, you feel a little guilty Asking to stay there. Yeah, and by that time you figure it out Figure what out? How to get a room?

Okay But guys, I don't want you to worry about this now, but this is how you make relationships And when they come to Denver, they stay with me for two nights Don't stand home That's how me and Doug met boom and the story The second time he stayed with me the third time he stayed with me. We tried to keep in touch He lived in this car. It's tough to communicate on an eight-track fucking You know and I bumped into him in Seattle

Five years later And next you know, I'm in LA what I'm sleeping on his fucking bunk bed That's crazy and like Just the amount of people you'll see like that. I I people are sometimes saying like all I'm surprised you're nice I like You know let you Now I've been looking for this nose hair trimmer for about two fucking weeks and I sit down it's right there I got fucking the nose. I got my nose has playing songs in there. You know what I'm saying? Like it's fucking loose. I

Found the snot behind the snot cave today It was stuck between two hairs not good. Not a good look guys, but that's developed those relationships guys By going out there. Yeah the first time you might sleep in your car The second time you might get a hotel for Discount your mom works for NCAA CP. What's the other one? Hey the old people what I'm sorry ARP Are the older people you yeah, you know, there's always a scam but at some point You go to yourself. You know what? When am I gonna start getting my own hotel rooms? Right, so I'm gonna go home

And I'm not going back on the road time at life I'm gonna get to one of the comedy clubs where it's in New York or LA And I work myself to that comedy club get spots at to take out the garbage fine Fine, I'll sleep in my car before you know it you get a apartment. You have a girlfriend. You have a day job Speaking dirty to gay guys on the phone you know Are they hiring? I don't know but you should contact them cocks. I'm always hiring nice looking Jewish men like yourself You know how many Palestinian guys are calling into those gay services now that are gay and going I want the jew to talk to me bomb me

I've been about i've been a jewish guy would do I would do it I know you would for the small 50 an hour 80 now we're talking about this you you called me like a few weeks ago and you're like Some like 100 million to like to like be with a dude like and you you like some like a hundred million to like, to like be with a dude. Like, and you, you, you said like there was no number. I was, I said for like a hundred million. It was something about daddy. I forget what it was, but you said like, you said there were like, you know how I sit on people's lamps. Oh yeah.

Like you're like, you're going to get hooked. You're going to hook up with this dude. He's going to fuck you for the small hundred million. And I'm like, okay, yeah, fine. A hundred million, no taxes. And you were like, hundred million and I'm like, okay. Yeah fine 100 million No taxes and you were like you wouldn't and read to any number Listen, you take a hundred million Who me? Yeah, no It would think about fucking break me Maybe be nice. That's your question. Michael Jackson was a good-looking guy

Would you suck his dick for 10 million probably well here give me $50 worth Probably Million and the story of sucking Michael Jackson's dick You what? That you wouldn't get to have that story. That would be a fantastic story and Michael Jackson sucked you dick No, no other way. Well, I guess I don't know which one's worse. What is wrong with you? You brought it up What are you gonna tell who do you gonna tell that story to? How do you want to tell that? Story you're gonna show up with your napkin and a fucking sperm removal kit from your mouth with it

You know, what are you gonna do now? If you wouldn't tell that story on stage That I blew Michael Jackson. Yeah not in a million fucking years if I blew Michael Jackson Let's say 20 years ago. I wouldn't be alive right now I'd be hanging in some tree in a fucking Catholic cemetery over the Jews with tattoos. You know, then That's fucked up. Okay, I don't I can't win with this thing on you So you know, I'm not gonna be able to speak. I'm not gonna be able to speak I'm not gonna be able to speak. I'm not gonna be able to speak

I'm not gonna be able to speak I'm not gonna be able to speak I'm not gonna be able to speak I'm not gonna be able to speak Like the mix yeah, you like dick up your I got cancer you should you got a dick up your ass, but you know you can't win with this Thing on you so you just move on If you're gonna get the small dick for 10 mil you got to come out and say you were gay but then they'll null and void it and You get nothing you got like a licensee fucking bill, you know 800 for the swallow and

Sag and whatever else you know 800 for the swallow and sag and whatever else, you know i'm saying Listen, what are you bothering me with these questions for? You know, I got a thousand milligrams of me. I got a half a mushroom stem, you know Why do you throw these questions me on a fucking tuesday? I pissed you off the other day because I had my blinker on when I was You know what? When I was driving you told me like you were like going off because I had a blinker on to turn left No, I believe in blink Excuse me. I just I had a Cuban steak sandwich for dinner The garlic is coming up

Anyway, what I said to you was we're on the phone and the blink was on like eight minutes before This guy had to make a left turn which makes sense I'm sitting there going when is this motherfucker gonna make the left turn and we kept talking you started I'm like, what is this fucking guy gonna make the left turn and finally I even said to him What's up with that left turn? He goes, how do you know could you find the blink on for eight? I even said to him what's up with that left turn? He goes, how do you know could you find the blink on for eight? Fucking miles. There's a guy behind you going fuck you and cut you off There's a hot little Chinese guy who just threw a cigarette out the window. He's probably gonna cost the father He's gonna cause a forest fire

Because how slowly I'm gonna be at You have I I love driving with you, but you have like so many rules for driving That's why I drive by myself, okay I'm sorry. I gotta give my daughter the fucking riot act. Come on. I get in the car today. There's an old cup With juice from Jamba Juice and a fucking piece of paper. There's mud all over my fucking floor There's cleat marks on the fucking thing When does it end? Never me I got spit everywhere from singing in the car. I gotta wipe it down with Clorox tomorrow

And take it in your car not spit like, you know, he's some fun I'm singing like you're like when you're singing in the car and you talk when I'm talking to you and I'm driving You talk and you could see little sprinkles, I don't know what they're from so we're fucked else I Have no idea. What are the questions? I'm just happy to talk to you buddy. Me too always. So where you at this week? I'm at the Rockwell with lemon party. Sorry Sorry I got back on May 4th and May 7th. I'm at Williamsburg Comedy Club. Alright, I'll probably see you that night somewhere.

That'd be great. Alright my brother, see you. Same bat time. Same bat champ. You