Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Livin' like Gandhi

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

Joey Diaz returns from Austin excited to tell Lee Syatt all about the upcoming move and why he's so excited. Joey and Lee talk everything, come hangout! SHOW NOTES Download the DraftKings Sports app now. New customers sign up with code JOEY & spend $5 to get $200 in rewards within 21 @ ⁠https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps⁠ F*%k your khakis and get The Perfect Jean 15% off with the code CHURCH15 at ⁠http://theperfectjean.nyc/CHURCH15⁠ #theperfectjeanpod #ad Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY @ ⁠http://BlueChew.com/⁠ Your new wardrobe awaits! Get $20 off your full price purchase @chubbies with the code chubby at ⁠https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby⁠ #chubbiespod #ad

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? It's your Uncle Joy with another fun-filled episode of the Church of What's Happening now, New Testament. It's Monday, September 1st, so I don't have to tell you what type of week it is. You've got to get up and light your ass on fire. As usual, my co-host is here.

Johnny Hitler looking good as a motherfucker. Oh, my God. And that's it. We missed you. It was a long week without you. But we got a lot of shit to talk about. How you've been? I'm a Catherine Narducci called.

Johnny Hiller. I saw her at Ronny's with Tara Kahnis. And she was mad. She's like, where's the podcast? I was like, it's been a week. She's like, I haven't seen it. So she says hot, but I'm good, dude. What do you want to talk about? I don't want to talk about anything. I just want to make sure you're good. The dog is good. Everyone's going almost while. You're excited about GTA 6, you know. I just know I can't play it. Why not? Because when you, I've only seen bits and pieces of the trailer. I won't. There would be no reason for me to do stand up for about two months. Why not? Because you did like, your whole life. It takes half an hour to drive from one end to the other. Okay. So, and you, dude,

you, you, you, you rob places with a mask on or they know where you are. You have, you have a girlfriend in the game now. You have to lift weights. You, I do, you would do more in GTA than you do in real life. I haven't lifted away. That's what they want you to do. Sit at home become a fucking couch fucking, oh my God. But you're a Jew. Yeah, well, that's what I'm not buying. You got something pushing you. You're a Jew. Okay. So that means you go out and do your comedy. You eat Mama's out. You walk the dog, you get a snack, and then you lock yourself in that closet. And you can play until three or four in the morning.

Yeah, that's all good until it's snowing out in New York. And I'm supposed to leave to go do an open mic and then Grand Theft Auto staring me in the face. You're going to stay up all night until the open mic, you fuck. That's why you do it at night. So when you're tired, you go to bed. Two, three hours is all you really need on that shit. Oh, no. I knew when I got behind, when you motherfuckers told me about it, I knew when I got behind that PS5,

whatever that fucking thing is. Right. That after the first time I did it, it was like stand-up comedy. When I put the thing down, I pissed, washed my hands, I'm like,

first off, I'm going to like this. Yeah. Okay? There's going to be a problem. Number two, I'm a stoner. Which means you could smoke in between,

every time I get shot, I go get high, you know. They have things you put on the controller and now to hold your joint for you. Oh my God. That's what I need. Yeah.

Yeah, they got some shit. It's creative. Stoners. Now, the only time I would be upset with that game is if I was still doing coke and I had bitches coming old with bikinis on and I'm trying to play that game being a freak. Then I'm not going anywhere if I could make that

possible every day. Yeah, fuck them on the game. They got strippers on the game. And you can kill them after and get your money back. That's the great thing about being a kid and being a man. When you're a kid, you have no responsibilities and you don't want nothing to move forward. I was there. I was the oldest kid in existence.

You know? I was the old, I still am a fucking child. So I knew, but then when you become a man, you got bills or whatever, and you make time for it. I wish I could play it every night. But I know when I go three hours, I'm going to be rattled the next morning. Dude, when you're playing a video game that you like, three hours is like the appetizer. Like, yeah, night we did four hours. Like, we did four, and I was good at two.

Mercy came and saved me. She came and pulled it. Because you get pulled it out. Like, you look down, you're like, all right, it's eight o'clock. I'll play to 11. And then you look down and it's three in the morning. Well, one more mission.

If I can have me those in prison. They have them in prison now. Then I wouldn't leave because it's endless. It's, think about it. You do your work in the kitchen, your laundry, you're sweet, clean the bathroom, and you and your boys are in that cell fucking playing that shit all day and night.

It's a great game, but it's also entertainment. You know, I mean, there's times I get on there. I want to do two hours. And then the next thing you know, but now I go on and prepare it. I drink a couple of blooms. Oh, yeah? A couple energy drinks.

Fuck, yeah. And then you smoke bonghits. Fucking Saturday night, I was fucked up. I must have eaten three of those fucking five of those edibles. No wonder you called the other. I started with two. Yeah, yeah. By the time I called you, I was gone.

I found a morphine pill for pain. I dropped that that night. I was fucked up, Jack. I was smoking that heavy-duty weed with 50s. 58% indica dust. Guys, I was done. I was high than fuck. And I'm playing this.

We were giggling our ass off, Pedro and Carly. Giggling, like you're giggling. And Saturday night was the best night we ever had. We pretty much up. We just had a lot of people watching. Oh, nice. A lot more unusual. When that's when we called you, you were a star that night.

Because they asked about you constantly. Wellie, Wally, Wally, Wally, Wally. You want to talk to lead motherfuckers? I'll call Lee and he'll tell you what he's doing. Fuck, yeah. I do. It was a, I, I, I need to play again. I just, dude, I, I spend way too much time doing it.

Like, I don't know, I don't know if anyone, like, it's been a good year, but it's also been a fucked up, like, the only, have you ever had a year where, like, the only time you're happy is when you're on stage? Like, the old, like, I had a couple years like that, okay? Because there's no hop. Why am I going to be home? There ain't nothing to eat, right? There's nothing to eat.

It's the same cable shows over and over and over when you're down to a joint. So whenever you're on stage, you're like, woo, for me, it's like going to school. Comedy was like going to school. Ain't nothing going to happen until you show up down there. That's times they show up to open, to do a spot. I'm broke. When I leave that, I got $80. I got a gramma blow on the arm.

This guy gave me a joint. And you're like, wow, all this happened because I got out of the house. That is true. The only thing I was going to ask is, like, I feel like the thing that's changed is getting paid for. I don't know. like barely any in the city pay. Like unless you're like one of the main clubs and maybe they give you 20 bucks. But like I don't know.

Like I never run into money randomly in the city. Almost never. Maybe a drink ticket. And usually I only have like a couple for the entire show. So I always give it up because I don't drink. But it's I don't know. I'm just having so much fun on. Like that's I don't know.

For like those 10 minutes. Like it's like I'm forced to not think. about anything else. It's like the happiest I am right now. And how about you? Because you did so many spots in Austin. You've done more spots in Austin than you did like in months here. Since the pandemic, I haven't done.

And it was really 11 spots for the week. That's great. But just to do nine in those three nights, the bulk, that's great for me. Even seven I would take. I'd even take seven sets. Because if I keep doing it and then coming back here and that's what I'm doing, I'm coming back in, I'm walking into something else.

Right. I'm going to try to walk into something else that Wednesday. So at least, listen, 30 spots a month is the minimum. Like when we're on a road, it's 30, that's why it's a hard number to fucking hit. It is, but in Austin and New York, it's not. No, in Austin, New York, it's doable. You can pull off 40 in a week in New York. Again, how great a quality of those 40 shows?

That's what you're also thinking about. It depends. But, dude, I did, when you were gone, I had one day where I did four. And it was the most I've ever done in New York. And like one day, I was exhausted. Like, I was, it was probably, and it, it sounds crazy. But I did like, it's, I started at four. I had a four or five and eight and a ten. By the end of that 10, I was like out of it. So to do three or four and that's, I don't have that stamina yet. And that's what I'm hoping, like, I'm hoping to get in in the next year. So to get into some more of these clubs. Well, a lot of these guys, the stamina is this.

Two shows at one place. That'd be great. So, like, the stand will give you two spots. One at eight and one at 11.30. So in between that, you're out hustling. So anything you pick up is fucking gravy. But again, because for years, I just wasted time. I'm grateful that I did those spots.

But at one point, I don't want you to, you know, when it's too much, it's a diminishing returns. There you go. Mm-hmm. So it was like the hardest part I had to go from the Upper West Side to Midtown and like I was and then I went back to the Lower East Side and then I went back up to the Upper East Side and then when I was doing that I was thinking about you and Austin. I was like okay. Even in an Uber it's a lot because you're sitting, you're cooling down for you to just be at one club the whole time is a huge difference. I bet. If I go to Austin, I would do the early show and then run out through the early.

bucket and the early Joe show and then run out, do creaking the crave, whatever. Creaking the cave, yeah. I got to call Rebecca or the Vulcan or Vulcan or sunset and then go back. That's three plus the one I'm going to do.

That's four. I'm home by 1045 if I want to be. You follow me? That's the big thing at Austin because now you don't know who's downstairs. You never know who's downstairs. You never know who you're going to bump into. I went last week, and I was talking to Gary Owen.

I haven't seen Gary Owen in fucking 15 years. Oh, yeah? So I talked to him for like two hours at the box. How's he doing? Fucking a lot better than us. He's blowing up. He's blowing up, man. My first job in L.A., I edited a TV show that he hosted.

And then, like, for some reason on Facebook, I see him all the time. Like, he's, he's, and he just was on Kill Tony, right? That's right. That's what I walked in. Okay. Yeah, he, it's, It's cool to see, I'm trying to figure out how people are, like, blowing up a little bit. And, like, I told him I'm obsessed with Ars Barker, where he's just the story, how he was doing.

He did well. He had a Comedy Central special in America. And then for some reason, moved to Australia and, like, it's like, I was talking to an Australian comic today. He met a girl. Oh, okay. But he's the king of, like, he's like, the most famous guy, comic in Australia. And, like, that's so, like, just to see how people are, like, deciding to do. Like how Gary has, he puts up more clips than I've seen at.

And he, it seems like he's selling out, like he's setting records and clubs every way. He always has a new shoe with the color. Yeah, yeah. It's just interesting. It's interesting. For me who is like looking for something to see how these people are, everyone's doing it a little bit differently. It's cool. Well, like I told you, for me to get Nick and go, Nick, you're going to become a ukulele player.

You're going to be the best ukulele player in the world, right? which is usually ukulele. That's the little guitar, right? The Hawaiian one, yeah. Hawaiian, whatever the fuck, right? But what are we talking about? How probably everyone has different paths? Yeah, it's a different path.

And the best thing about it, like I've always told you since the beginning, I go, I pick three comics and I watch them. Sometimes it's Natalie Cuomo. Sometimes it's the Jordan Jensen. I'm a fan of all those guys. He just never met him. Once I see their tapes, I'm interested in. I watch.

As a one kid, I forget what his name is, but when I see him, I watch his shit, young guy. And you watch, and then when they oppose something good, like, I'm shooting my first Netflix special. Now I watch them even more, but it's not the specials, how they're going to react to the special. Okay. So, but at the same time, like I tell people, if I go to Nick and go, Nick, you're going to make $10 million a airplane the ukulele, it's a hard sell. How many ukulele people you hang out with?

But when you start hanging out with people, and you've known these guys, and you've been to lunch with them, and you've both looked at each other on the tab, and you're like, huh. And all of a sudden, now they're like Ralphie Mae. Ralphie Mae. You know, Ralphie Mae.

We were living in an apartment together, shoplifting food at night and turkeys and shit. One day he just took off. So now that one, it's somebody you see, right away, it gives you a lot more confidence. because you're like he's doing it. I may not be as funny as he is, but I will be. And when I get there,

they'll open up the door for me like that. There's been a couple of Michael Blaustein. I don't know if you know him from L.A. I was doing open mics with him at the fourth wall, and now he has, like, sold out theater tours. And, like, whatever you think about crowdwork, he's doing something like, like he's walking around with, like, a wireless mic

and we'll actually go to different people and that, like, online looks great. You know who else is doing great? I wanted to do it, but Aaron Berg, with the glasses on stage, I think is fantastic. Aaron. Aaron Burke.

Yeah, are musily dude. He wears the meta glasses and he like, you can see it from a comics point of view when he's doing. And it's just cool. Like, just to see someone doing something different and then you can see what they're doing. It's, uh, I like, I love that they're, that they're blowing up. And that takes time. Yeah. It takes time.

But once you know that they're on that path, it's just a little push now. It could be one line in a movie. You could do 10 movies or one line. nobody will call you. He does one line, boo. And all of some people love him. Tiffany Haddish. Really? Tiffany Haddish always had it since I met her.

But all she needed was a push. She got that girl's night out. Look at it now. Right. Look at it now. One role did it. So it all depends. But it's the work that you put on and how that, you know, when that cherry is on the Sunday, and that's when you see the whole picture. But all you know is that you're starving. You know, that's all you're.

know that you're a you you only ate six weight watcher points not because you're on a diet but because you got nothing to eat you know you drank two gallons of water with fucking liquid IV and then it gave you six calories or whatever but my point is when you see people blowing up around you

I tell you I think that's why I stopped doing coke because I'm like I got to figure something out people now around me I had like Josh wolf we moved in together guy was struggling selling peanut butter sandwiches online Mm-hmm.

And it happens. Look at Tara. Two years ago, Tara, Kenastracee and I were opening up for Josh Wolf and she was telling me how like the pandemic was tough for her. Yeah. She had to like reevaluate and now she just shot something with Joe Coy and, um, fuck. And Martin Lawrence.

And she's like, it's. And again, from a perspective now, you and I see it and you're like, she's done. She blew up. Maybe not. That might be the thing that you lose your mind over. You didn't blow up as hard as you think. But then that means it's not going to be that one.

It'll be the next one. It's all in the rotation. When I did the longest yard, nobody even called me. In fact, I got thrown out of a pilot read once. For what? I went nuts. Those last two years are the longest yard. That fucking blew my doors.

What does going nuts mean? Like, do you know who I am? No. Like, it hit me that bad. Like I felt that bad. That's why I got cleaned up in that period because I knew it wasn't going to get any better. You know, fucking the big guy got a TV show with Chris Rock.

Nick Taturo got a movie right off the bat. Lobo got Longish Yard. Sons of Anarchy. Nobody even called me. Fuck. I wonder how that was on my ego. For three months, people are telling when this movie comes out, you're going to get a push.

But guess what? After I blew up comedically, then that movie became. something. Right. Then Spider-Man became something. Then the shittiest pizza show I did became something. So it all becomes something. So now it's all part of your

resume, but it takes cultures. And that's what people don't get. It takes cultures. You might be in, bro, when people come up to me, somebody came up to me in an awesome. You were great in Stacey's among them. Who the fuck says that? And everything

I did, if that's what he liked, then he liked it. I'm not going to fight with them, but you never know what they're going to tell you. Right. You might be thinking, I'm going to come up to me to tell me about how funny I was. Then might come up to you and say, you sucked, but we loved you on the fucking, on Suns Anarchy when you dropped off the cliff and killed a Japanese guy. Doug, you never know. So that's why do it. Right.

Do it. Do it. You never know. And if you look bad, it's better than not looking at all. Yeah? If you look bad, it's better than not looking at all. because I'll put a fucking ad out right now looking for extras for something

you'll be in the scenes with me I've got a thousand people down there that everybody wants to fucking break just to stand up you create your own break uh huh like I was is it sort of like when you're losing weight

or you're gaining weight and like it goes on little by little you don't really notice it until you look like that's when you're saying like you're starving and I'm doing better than I was last year, but it's all, I get fucking angry at things. Like, I'm like, I'm, you're supposed to get angry.

That's what's going to make you get tougher. That's what's going to make it. Listen, without blood, there's no change. Okay, so that means somebody's got to go. You got to stab a motherfucker. In other words, in other words, you know, you got to get burnt. I could tell you a thousand times, why not to put your credit card online? A thousand times.

Don't give your credit card on the phone. Until one morning you call me, they go, they call. Clean me out. Oh, no. Everything. And that's when you go, oh, shit. Yeah. So just get on stage.

Don't worry about who's coming to see you, who's not coming to see you. Because when they come, they're going to come. Robert Redford, right? If you build it, they'll come. Yeah. You know, I was always thinking, like Shane, 77,000 tickets. Fuck yeah.

I think people get enthused when they see that. So if I was to do the garden, I think I agree with Nick. I might sell it out. because people will get enthused. You never know. You never know till you put them for sale. Yeah.

And it's especially, like, it's Shane, Philadelphia is his home place. Yeah. You being in New York, New Jersey, wherever,

like, I don't know how many tickets that is, but yeah. I mean, are you, because you would never... I had a hard time selling our oceans.

So I'm just talking shit here. But at least I'm realistic that that type of shit. It's possible. Maybe Shane, could sell 48,000 tickets all day long. And he opened up the gate and more people came. They want to be part of it.

They want to be part of it. Especially they feel like it's a one-time thing. It's, yeah, it would be, dude, that'd be fun. Mine's the Wilbur. Like, that's, like, that's my, like, I'm fucking made it. May 21st and 22nd. Next year? Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Friday and Saturday. Fuck yeah. But, like, is MSG that's your fucking... Holy grail of places to headline. No, I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying. But you don't have a place.

You don't have a play. Like, if I fucking did. Like, I'm sure Red Rocks would be cool for you. There's a couple bigger places. But from, I don't know. And I'm sure it could change. But I don't know. I did.

You were telling, saying in one of the comics in Austin, all she did was talk about stand up. Oh, I think. People haven't told me like, I don't want to talk about this anymore. There's a point in your life where you don't even want to go to place. Like there's a point where your life has a career as a comic and I'm not telling you this for any other reason, but I'm just telling you this. There's a point in life where even your spouse will look at you and go, you gotta knock it all. But what they don't understand is this is all we care about.

This is all we care about. You think I stop watching the news because I'm special? I stopped watching the news because it was interfering with my fucking comedy. Okay, anything that interferes, you got to get rid of it But that's all we know I think the 10 year mark We don't know nothing And we don't know nothing

I really don't All I'm worried about is doing stand-up And getting to second base right now And people never on that That's why at one point you go Why am I doing these things Are regular people? It's a drag

Why am I doing this? It's not that you're better than these regular people But you have nothing to talk about and then they're going to ask you with the same shit. Oh, my God, you're a stand-of-com comedian. How special. And they're looking at your wife going, oh, my God, you must live in a house of laughter.

And she's like, not really. You know, and that's what everybody talks you with like that, and you feel like an idiot. Oh, my God. Come here, come here, come here. He's the stand-of-comedian. Oh, my God. What movies have you been in?

What TV show? Oh, can we see you on Netflix? You know, that sucks. That sucks. Then they start talking about the comics that are doing well. What do you think of this guy? Oh, my God, I love him. I love her.

And you're like, why don't even come here? Why don't even come here to get upset? To feel bad? Because you're not them no more. Bro, you're not them. It's very tough. You're not them. And then at a party, you pick the career.

that nobody picks. Nobody picks this shit. All right? This is like being an undertaker. Nobody picks this shit. You're chosen. You make a left turn. You walk into a club.

You do good. You get a giggle. But what comes inside of you is a feeling like better than orgasm. I know what I'm killing. There ain't a bitch that can go in front of me.

I don't want them there. I don't need them there. I don't care if they're fucking Marilyn Monroe. When you're killing as a man, there ain't no motherfucker that. When you bring a naked woman, they're going to stop. I'm going to go, no, no, let me finish what I'm doing here. Nobody can live with that.

Women, no. For you to be good at this, you have to be married to stand up. And everybody in your world's got to be okay with that. Because by the 12 of you mark, then you start cutting them all. I don't need this shit. How much longing that I keep doing stand-up? You're not getting nowhere. Done!

Done! That's the last time I'm going to hear that shit from you. Done! Everything. No more Instagram, no more nothing. And then by the 15th theater, it's fucking rough. It's fucking rough. Go in the room with actors. You're going to want to shoot yourself.

Really? Yeah, like 20 actors? Oh my God. I did the scene and acting class with a wizard. And you're like, it's a scene, bitch. And it's like an open mic. It's an open mic for fucking actors. All looking to connect with other losers.

And, dog, I call myself. that when I was at that level. Because you don't know until one day you go, I'm done coming to parties. First, I've got to answer too many questions. These people don't know nothing about nothing, and I got to justify my existence. I'm out there seven nights a week,

busting my hump. Forget it. Weddings, not ever again. Never again. You don't have time, because you know you're never going to be there mentally. Vacations, good luck. Good luck.

When she's talking about, Let's take a walk and see the flowers. And you're on the third set without doing, you're on the third night without doing comedy. And your Instagram is Pedro and Lee jumping up with the comedy seller with fucking, you know, with Jimmy Page and you're on an island with your wife. That's why you know. And unless that wife could understand that, it's never going to work out.

Because it becomes your world. You have nothing else. There's not a stand-up comic that's a part-time doctor. You have nothing else. So this is what it's really hard for people understand, and it's hard for comics to get that in their head. We pick the career, not nobody does. No one's smart.

Nobody who's got a half a brain would do this shit. This takes a certain type of retardation, but it's a different strength. It's a different strength. For some people, it's hanging out with movie stars Trying to be cool. No. For some people they get,

they feel better about themselves if they put a house full of them with pictures of celebrities. That's not what it's for. That's not what that's for that. That's just a moment in time. But I'm not going to wrap my fucking house around with me with other people.

That's me and the president. That's me and this guy. That's me. What the fuck guy? So my point is that when you do stand up, there's a certain mark one day. You go, I'm done. And you know what?

Listen, when I was at the 15-year mark, I was, what was I? 15-year mark was 2006, maybe 2007. That's when I quit Coke. And why? Because I knew whatever I was doing wasn't going to catch me up with these guys. It's time to roll up your sleeves. You know what I'm saying? You know, like when they go, you know, I'm on a diet.

I'm always on a weight watch this thing. When I eat a piece of chicken, I put three ounces. If I eat two chicken Colors, I put five ounces. You know, you always... Under. Whatever the fuck. Yeah.

What was my point? I don't know. I'm too high on that fucking... Mushrooms kind of hit me a little bit. Then they stop. I'm not to refuel on those motherfuckers. Jesus Christ. That made me think that was the first time I ever took mushrooms.

I don't know if you remember that. You brought me to the store. I got there after you. You just threw me a bar of chocolate. I put it in my mouth and already started dying laughing because it was mushroom... Like, that was the first time I ever saw a mushroom. from chocolate.

Fucking. Comedy is an experience, man. Comedy is an experience from the time you put your car in, right? You know where you're going. You're like,

you put the music on. You have your little notebooks so you can make notes at the light. You walk in, everybody's nice, you know. It's even when you're

in open mic, you know, it's like people who go, I quit school. I went to school to make money. I went to school with a hundred,

there's a mescalant. That was my social hour. How can I not go to school? I'm going to miss on on 20 girls who play hooky and go to Hudson County Park and throw bottles into squirrels. So for me, it was always that. Like, it's a fucking,

and I don't know what I'm coming back. When you leave at night to do comedy, you want me to give you a time, I'd be aligned to you. I could tell you 11.30 and walk at here at 10.15. I could tell you 11.30, and walking here five in the morning.

That's a comedy night. Smell me. There were no women around me. I was with a bunch of guerrillas doing sets, talking shit and drinking and smoking. That's my job. That's my job. That's why I can't quit.

Quit your day job. Because you're missing another portion out. Not that you're going to stay out later every night. But when you're out, knowing that you don't have to go to bed. The big difference, then, even if it's the 10 o'clock, I still got to get up and go to bed and work tomorrow.

It's tough. And I have the easiest version of it. I work remotely. So I set my alarm five minutes before I have to be up. But yeah, it's, and dude, it's, I will be like, I started, I looked at my bank account a little bit. After two years in New York, I was like, oh, shit. I need that day job for a little like that. But it's, I don't know.

It's, I'm just very, I'm very happy in a lot of things. But there's just some, there's something. There's something, like when I did four, or if I have two sets a night, I feel like a real comic. There's something about two. I would love it to be three or four. And two puts you at 14 spots a week.

Yeah. That's fucking a lot of spots, dog. But again, if you're doing a spot for three people, the Auntie Miltie's caught comedy shop or 1.15 a morning, that ain't doing nothing for you. You don't think so? I was talking about this with another comment.

There's three people. after the whole night that you've been pushing you get there even the room is somber you know I don't know so listen

I still got up on them I'm not going to yeah because there's a lot it happens a lot in New York is people will come in and decide not to do a show go there's only six people

it bums like it pisses me off because like I hey I'm really trying to get spots and I've had some great show I had one of the one on that four show

day I did a show for 10 people at 4. But it was great. Like they were great. They had a lot of fun. I said new stuff. When people decide they don't want to do spots, I thought, like I judge them. I don't know. You're different.

Like a headliner is different. What do you mean? When somebody gets then, they go, I'm not going to go up. No, fuck those punks. Okay, yeah. No, if you're there, you got to go up. Don't come down there with ego and go. Three people, not my cup of tea. That's the guy, give him another year in comedy.

Yeah. You do a spot for, listen, two people, you can do a spot. A person, you just rehearsing. Just singing my love song. Tell it to him, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Uncle Joey's here and I got great news for you. The weight is over.

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Like, what is it? Crowds are the same everywhere. You think so? They're human beings. Okay. Okay. In New York, you got that younger element that goes to the lower clubs and whatever. But there's a college in Austin also.

Yeah, of course. Okay. What I learned after the last, what made me want to move there is I got a bum leg. I'm lazy. Okay, I don't want to drive an hour of 15 to do a spot in the city three nights a week. Maybe they do three of them. That's what I'm capable of doing before I have to drive back an hour of 15.

At least, yeah. So if I could do two spots at six, but I have to go to the stand and maybe go to Rodney's. I don't know how it works. You know, so it would be, I get it. down after a month. But the way I look at it is this, man. I live in central

New Jersey. The opportunity by my house are not good. I got maybe three or four, two clubs and a couple open mics. The only way to sharpen metal is to be around metal, whatever. There, when I go up on stage, I got 200 people

guaranteed. Yeah. And I can do the small room to hone on specific stuff. Plus, if I want to do Creek in the Cave, the It's all on the same street. That's, it's, it's, uh, pretty insane. It's pretty insane. So for me, it works out.

I'm older, you know, my knees fucked up. I fell when I was down there. No, you didn't? Yes, I did. You okay? I got a big strawberry on my leg right now. I got caught on the fucking bat, whatever that thing is, the barricade. The screw was pointing that way out of all the screws.

And my sneaker got cut, caught under the screw, and my knee went right down. Hey, it's all the part of doing business. What am I going to do? And he was already fucked up. Did you sue anybody? Huh? Did you sue any? I could sue the city, but what is that going to do?

I'm still going to be a hopping fucking Cuban. So for me, it works. Right. We were talking about this for months, okay? Let's get down the basics here. When I got here, I didn't go up at all. I did one outside of the parking lot show. I saw a flying squirrel.

I was like, this ain't for me. You know what I'm saying? They were fucking racked. or whatever he called them skunks there. And I just wasn't ready mentally. I was heartbroken by L.A. The move and, you know, it just was a lot. I was withdrawn on this annex.

So that felt like how I didn't want to be around people. And I kept getting on stage and I couldn't make eye contact, which is never good. I could never get the engine going. It was very flat. And I told George, we drove down there, Uncle Vinny's a couple of times. And I said, that's it.

I think I heard it the night that I had this surgery the first time. I stepped on stage and it was a long stage and I fucking heard it. And I cursed myself and whatever. But anyway, it took me a while because I didn't know what I want to do. And then I noticed that my wife can't help me, mercy can't help me, George can't help me. Nobody can help me. I'm living in an area that I'm 20 years old and everybody else, the other parents.

And again, I'm a fucking comic. So I don't have nothing to talk to you already Except the two opening sentences How's the kids? How's the wife? How's work? Good. Bye, bye. I saw you're going to be performing there. And then we go back to being I don't know what's they're talking about.

They get together and they talk about drinking games and shit. I'm a fucking grown man, you know? And then when I did discover the dojo, I really enjoyed it. I got to meet Pedro and Hector. And I met Becky on an open mic in Friol, like a year. year before that.

But I found the crew that I felt good with, comfortable around, that made my journey feel better as young guys. I wasn't going to have a bunch of young guys doing. What are you doing down here, grandpa and all that shit? And it was a great scene, and I was doing okay with it. But the last year, I got confessions to me. Before I go on stage, I'm falling apart. And it's not because I'm feeling weird because I can't remember my material from week

to week. Because I'm only on stage once a week. Yeah. Every time I go up there, it's like going through, and I'm not making excuses. I'm giving you guys facts of what I realize. This last week in Austin, I realized that on Thursday night.

I'm like, when I got on stage or three times today, it was back to being me. Shit was coming out. I never said before. Those little tags that are funny and the whole fucking setup. And I'm like, okay, this is what it takes.

It takes three in a row. And I thought, I never thought I could, grow on one, but I thought I could least maintain. I called Pedro right away, and I told him, go, Pedro, we're doing it all wrong. We got to start doing 30 sets a month. And I'm talking about 28

them got to be quality. Like, I don't mind going to one of those RBR shows where everybody's an animal and they, I don't mind that either. That tightens you up. But I'd rather at this level be at shows with 20 people or more. I'm not looking for 200 people a night, dog. I know exactly what time

it is. You're not going to do that. I'm by my house, but I'm sure I could pack up one Tuesday night at one place, and then Pedro gets a spot in Linnhurst or Jersey City, that's two places we got. And then somebody else pulls a third night out of their ass. George got connections and clipthide. Somebody pulls connections out of their ass.

And we got three nights. And then you get another one and you can offset that one. So now you got one week where you do three spots and you can get 50 bucks and everybody feels good about it. You're not going to get rich, but I'm going to at least give you 25 bucks to go home for gas. So you don't feel like a fucking idiot. Nobody should work for free.

Right. And that's the problem you have in New York. When did you get paid for a spot in L.A.? There's no dollars there. Your shows and a couple of random ones. Nobody pays you. That's why. You have to get old school comedy rooms. You have to go into a bar

and go, what's your slowest night? Tuesday, Wednesday. Okay. You can keep doing ladies and night on Wednesdays and getting these fat fucking dirty white chicks from fucking Tom's River. we can do something nice up here. Get a beer sponsor, so when you're on performing,

the Heineken's a $4. They'll give you a case of beer at a better price. Let's do that. You put a Heineken banner behind it, and you give it a name, and then you advertise on Facebook ads or Instagram ads.

You know, and it's $10. Nobody gets rich. So either the bar pays you out of their money and they get the drink money or give me a fucking stand and a guy will just fucking sell tickets for $10 and then we'll keep the money. Yeah. I'd rather the bar pays, even if it's small, because it's a commitment.

It's a commitment from them. They're in. They're comedy fans. You're getting them for $300 a week for a Tuesday night. After a month, what do you think is going to happen? Can I talk to you for a second? You got a little chubby guy at least I have. Yeah.

I'm a fan of his. You know what I can get him here? Because I'll pay to get him here. That's when I got here. Because if Lee's worth 500, I'm going to hit him for a thousand. Not so I could skim off the top. So I get better comedians in there now. Now I can pay a guy at $250.

Come down and do it an hour. Some guy that wouldn't even dream of doing that. But on Tuesday night, he's just going to sit at home and get yelled that by his wife. He'll come down. And that's how you build a room. Whether it's weekly, monthly, got to always advertise tons of pussy there there'll be a guy selling coke in the bathroom

you know paint the picture for them they'll come they'll come I know I wish about comics had a like you were saying quality spots and pay like at Pedro's and I love it's hard sometimes place isn't quality because they're not putting the time into it if you're just going to pass that fucking flyers around at the mall

that's not putting time into it you got to go on a podcast talk about it fucking talk about it on Facebook, but you're only promoting one thing. You're promoting this week on Tuesdays, and then whatever you have on the road. So it's pretty easy. You promote that one night.

That's my everything. That's the night when you get dressed up, you put the fucking cologne on, you know, every city has one of those. An open mic that specializes to that. You're home by 10.30. You're out of the show starts at 8. If there's a nick game, you're fucked.

Because we can't, you know, You got to put the nick game on. But these are all those little things you worry about later. But this is what you have to do. You have to create your rooms. If I come in here with a fucking mic and go, Hey, hey, hey, this is it a Tuesday. Not too many people are going to show up.

Maybe you get a microphone. Make it. Get a DJ down there for $50. There's a bunch of college kids that want to be DJs. I'll come out. I'd probably come in. I give you five or six drinks. I give you $30 bucks on my pocket, you know?

Come throw some sounds so people can get up and jump up around. anything. To get people in. To build that room. Jersey has all these little fucking municipalities. Like, by my house, they have the O'Bridge Community Center. They do comedy there, but nobody goes in there. The fire department by my house, they do charities all the time.

Yeah. The guy who's throwing the Saratoga Comedy Festival, that's how he produced the shows at Fire Department all the time. That's it. Mm-hmm. You know, it's just you want it. It's a personal thing. I love these guys.

We had a room for three weeks, but the owner sucks. No, he didn't. He saw that you were worth the shit. Mm-hmm. You weren't doing nothing to get three people in there. So having a room is no fucking easy thing either. No. But you have a negotiation now.

You have something to negotiate with. Hey, when can you do my room? I would tell you about my room in the Bronx. It's great. It's an Italian place. and the seat 60 like our boy Danny Braff he's got that one little room

that room for fucking years that kid he's had that room for years yeah it's good and he does it what once a month or something I think so yeah you get four those in Jersey in that old big state of New Jersey you mean to tell us we can't pull four of those come on guys

and it's fun I like it's gonna be different in Austin but like a show by you if people put it together, right? It's like the most fun show you'll have because if the whole town goes, because there's nothing else to do when they they're there to have a good time. There ain't nothing to doing freehold on

Wednesday nights. There ain't nothing to do in fucking Marlboro on Wednesday night. There's nothing to do on Morristown on Wednesday nights. They got a bunch of places up there, bars and shit. You know, you just want to go to a New Brunswick or you don't want to go. Yeah, right next to the club, yeah. Next to Vinny, but somewhere around that's how you get a room.

When I came here in 93, I was fucking fudging around doing rooms. I talked to a friend of mine, Jimmy of Bader. You met Jimmy, a kid from Colorado. And I got to tell you, he's half fucking crazy or whatever. But that guy put together four fucking nights that you walked out of 40 bucks.

Listen, when you're a kid, well, I was a grown man, and you're getting 160 from somebody on the side, that's a lot of money when you rent is 800. You know, when you rent is cheap at that time. But he's giving me 160 just to do four shows. and all of them were, do what you want. I had 18 if I was lucky. You know what I'm saying?

I would have like 18 if I was lucky. Right. He'd pay me like I had 30, you know? Nice. Yeah, that's always good to find. And listen, when you give a comic, even at an open mic, like 20 bucks. A kill for you.

You know, when I do a show and I look at the door at the end, I count them on people, give them all 30 bucks. Because now they came. That's how I met Becky. That's how I met Beck. I just gave it 20 bucks. Thanks for coming to the old. open mic and the other day in the car she asked me i go what are your big credit she goes you give me

twenty dollars that that's your biggest fucking credit that's so funny you were just gave people who like other comics that they opened you performed it was my open mic oh was oh okay turned it into like a fucking oh that one that one she was at that one yeah becky was now real young real quiet oh wow we had a good time that night that's night we were eating something mushrooms or something like that. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, that was, I forgot about that night.

We went on stage. It was at the hotel. Oh, my God. At the hotel. Yeah. That was a long time ago. Fuck. And just to just to fucking correct some things about last week, guys.

Let's get it out of the way. So I land Saturday, and I knew I had a show. The show was at 930 or 9. It was one of those late shows. I got, took a shower, washed my pussy, got dressed, went on my notes. And before I get in the fucking leave the hotel, I got a call from Red Band. And he goes, be careful when you go out tonight. It's gay pride.

It's really hard to get around town. There's a lot of traffic. And I'm like, fuck, why to commit to this gig now? I could have just stayed in the hotel, whatever. And it was even worse to get to 6th Street. I wasn't even going to 6th Street. I was going somewhere beyond 6th Street. So when we got there, we waited.

I got on stage. And then I got off. We were waiting for Christina Mariana. She left that gig to go do another one down the corner. And when she got back, we were stranded there. So it was like, at that time, it was four of us, maybe five of us. We had another guy with us, Matt. We all got in there and went to the mothership.

It said it was going to be like 58 minutes to get to the mothership on Uber. I was like. It's usually like 20, right? From that place, like eight. Oh, Jesus. That are the towns eight minutes away from each other. Unless you go towards like ways to well, the other side to West, whatever, West Lake. Okay.

And the guy's like, nah, too. And also I see two bikes. They're just talking. Like, hey, man, would you take us to Sixth Street? I didn't even ask him. I just gave the guy a 20. Like, can you get me to Sixth Street in 15 minutes? He goes, fuck, yeah, get in.

We all got in to two different bikes. We went down on a mothership. I got there to see Theo. But when I got there, Theo was about to go on stage. So I jumped on the little stage. Theo, I don't need it on like three minutes. I go, when did he get on three? I go, put me on there.

By the time I got, we both get off, we'll hang. When I got off, he's gone. He's already gone. He's left with some girl. I go, all right. So now we're at the mothership and people like, hey, man, they called here. They said to get down to the Betty. I don't know what the Betty is.

I don't know what the Betty is. I don't know if the Betty. I'm like, let's go to the Betty. Red band's there. All right. the Betty. Again, we get out. Now it's even worse. Now everybody got out of a bar. Oh, shit. So the streets are fucking, it was like Times Square, man. And I'm like, and right there on the corner by that Thompson was a lady, a guy sitting in a bike. And we had, we had like five of us.

Guy goes, I'll take all of you. So it was two comedians, Carlie, Amanda Merlo, and me. We just flew down to the Betty in that fucking thing. Dude, those things are expensive in New York. I thought you were going to say you dropped like 200 bucks. Those things, they charged like 20 bucks a block. But we took a hill with that motherfucker? No, you didn't. With five people?

We're flying. Look at the video. Oh, down the hill. I thought you're talking about up the hill. No, that down the hill we went, we're fucking flying. And I kept thinking if we hit something, we're just going to die on contact. Nobody got a helmet. Nobody got nothing.

And he got us there. I saw Theo outside. I hung out with him. Then we finished that five, I took another bike home. Then every night I took a bike home because it was just nice. It was off. To get to the hotel, you just got to go on this and just go straight down that street. You pull right into the parking lot.

You pretty much have the rickshaw. It's like it's the one step away. One of my dreams. I got to find a Chinese guy. I'll pay him a salary and give him insurance. 401k to drive me everywhere. I can't wait to be coming up north on the third. Smoking a cigar.

Some little Chinese guy. No, just for Austin. That's how you should get around Austin for your spots. It was, you know, it was fun. You're liking it? I had a good time Sunday. I went to, like, some art show, which I never do. You went to an art show?

An art show. A bunch of us went down there. It was fucking great. Some comedian, the black kid with the muscles from L.A. Oh, Jamar? Jamar. Hey, Uncle Joey here. The fall is here.

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It's going to rock your world and you'll get a chubby. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ah. And then hung out there. I didn't do much Sunday night. And Monday night's when it started. Jesus, it went out every night. Every night after that we went out. But to do comedy.

Right, no, yeah. It's not like I don't think you're going out there. No. Party. And I can't drink two nights in a row. No. So I always got to take. take like that was Sunday, that and drink gets like Tuesday.

Wow, you're drinking. And what, uh... What, bro? Please. I know you're not fucking going on. I'm drinking. The St. Don Johnson in 1985, and I'm over a bar. No. No?

I do three, two margaritas guys. And you guys know me. That's it. After that, I smoke a cigarette. Once you see a cigarette, come out, that's when you know. Just put you in a cab. Yeah, whenever I see a cigarette, go, all right, Joey's good for the night. Have you thought about how you're going to, like, are you going to, like, set up your apartment?

Like, this is, it's crazy to me that you're going to have, like, an apartment basically to yourself. No, no, no, no. It's two bedrooms, but people already got dibs. You're selling me. My daughter already said, that's my room and I don't want nobody sleeping in there. Right, of course. Great.

Great. You don't pay rent. But are you going to, like, set it up? Or are you going to have someone else put it together for you? What is that to put together? I don't know, like that. Are you going to decorate and you're going to put a fucking box? going to put out like a little bar?

No, we're going to get chairs for the bar. Okay. I'm going to get a couch, a big TV, a computer desk, the stream, whatever the fuck. Okay. And then I don't know what I'm doing on the balcony yet. I got two beds being sent. Or one.

I have to buy a different one with two mattresses. I got to send pots and pans. You're going to cook? No, but I got to have them there in case somebody wants to cook. I don't cook, but I don't cook, but I can. got to have a couple packs. You know, just because I don't cook doesn't mean I'm not going to have a fucking, what do you call those? Airfire.

No, the things with all the herbs in them. Oh, spice rack. Yeah, like, you don't want to get a spice rack, you know. I'm over there's not one thing. Like, you didn't want, like, a popcorn machine that Terry won't let you have or, like, movie posters. Like, you don't get to have Charlie Bonson's. I got to send some shit. George is in charge of the posters.

And the new artwork for the apartment. So that's cool. I got them digging. Fuck it. So I'll start sending everything down. Everything comes in a box. And then it was, dude, I felt like the old days you called me. I think it was last week.

You're like, what's, you're trying to get me to say, like, explain task rabbit to you? Like, the thing where people come and hang shit at your house? And I need it again. Obviously, I erased that text again. Oh, my God. But it's just so weird what you find out. Like, dog, I'm not a genius on comedy. I don't know anything about comedy.

I just know what I've done the last 35 years. And I know that. I thought I could pull it off with one spot a week, maybe two. Not anymore. I'm too fucking old. I got to keep repeating shit a couple nights to really get it in me. I don't do jokes for a week, bro. I forget them.

You saw me in Atlantic City. I had three jokes. I had to do an hour. All I can remember is three little fucking jokes. You hit you with two runaways. Then I think of another one, and then we have a show. We do the best that we can. But I'm not going on there with the confidence I had before the pandemic.

No. I'm a year away from that. Or six months in Austin. Right. By January, I should be tip-top of goo, ready to do another fucking hour, you know. Yeah, but then you'll throw that away in two weeks. What's that? Yeah, but then you'll throw it away in two weeks.

But once I keep doing them repeating, there's a likelihood that they'll stick around more. Yeah. This shit, one, forget it. It's impossible. I barely came up with that. Now you want me to remember it? For a week?

No. And a delivery? No, no, no. No. I fucked up. But it's okay. It's hard. It's hard,

I mean, for you to get a second spot in Austin. I would have never, if you'd ask me when I moved here, I would have said, I would have told you no either. I would have told you no either. But the more I kept going on,

and I kept going down after the stem cell. My knees, my health. I liked it. He'd throw it in with the podcast. It all worked out. But then I started going down, I'm like, hold your horses. One night I went down to Creek and Cave, and I'm like, this ain't bad. No, that's a great room.

That's a little, nice little room over there. She gives everybody's spots during the week. I haven't even gotten that going, and I haven't even gotten Balkan going. Balkan's fun. Just so I don't get used to the mothership, do three different looks, you know what I'm saying? Vulcan's more of like a bar club sort of thing. But it's a lot of, yeah, you're going to kill it down there. I just want to, if I could add extra six sets a week.

Once baseball is done, then I can stay down there the weekend. Okay. And those little rooms on the weekend are hot. Oh, yeah? Because if they don't want to see the headliner, they'll go in there. The small room that I did at Cap City is great. It's like 70 seats. Yeah.

It's very, like, it's kind of like the old stage, too, a little bit. bit. The stage is a lot smaller, but there's a lot of places for you to work out there. I want to do a lot of you. I'm going to lose weight before the holiday. That's hard to do in Texas. It's easy for me, man. That shit. I went to the fried chicken player, I had two pieces. I'm not an animal like that. I know how hard it is to lose it now. So I just went on a tear before a month ago. I was in a tear. Atlantic City was the last weekend. We couldn't keep eating like that. I was drinking three gingerails here. At night where you got three

Three fucking sugary drinks at night And go home, smoke more pot and fucking eat So I was like, that's it I got to do something And it's not that I blew up enough I just caught it now I'm like, let me catch this shit now Enough with the sodas

I've been eating a lot more fruit at night Higher protein Anything just to get a little leaner, you know Yeah especially I mean with your knee It must be It would be better for you to lose weight

Yeah absolutely with everything losing weight at this age and now I'm getting to the point when I'm starting to obviously do that shit when you don't eat you play Gandhi by yourself intermittent fasting intermittent fasting intermittent fasting so I'll try to wake up and not eat at all

and work out on empty stomach and then I come back a moment after I play Gandhi yeah you play Gandhi a much better way to say that that's so funny yeah I got to play Gandhi once in a while with your body cleans out all the baddest pitie deac those mallows.

That's it. Everybody wants to lose weight, but nobody wants to play Gandhi. What the fuck is wrong with Americans? That's what the problem is. We always drop Gandhi for something good. We'll not do what he did. Don't eat. Just don't eat.

It works. That's the name my new diet. Everybody's playing Gandhi. That's it. Suck my dick. You got to play Gandhi every day. That's it. We're too fat.

that's a really good advice. Oh my God. I'm too fat. Just play Gandhi. Everybody will drop a Gandhi fucking thing on you. The Great Gandhi said, no. The Great Gandhi didn't eat for like a year. Why don't you do that, Cogsucker? And then didn't give him no GLP wine,

pineapple juice or nothing. That motherfucker did it on raw Indian strength. Oh, my God. Just don't eat. Oh. Hmm. That means no tacos and awesome. That's nighttime. You have a window, then you got to eat everything.

Yeah, yeah. So that's not bad. If I could go off until 9 o'clock at night and not eat and then just open the fucking barrels for two hours. It's two days. You still have to count calories. Yeah, but how many calories you're going to eat? A lot. Your stomach is shrinking like a motherfucker.

So if you do decide to get a paella, it's going to blow up your stomach and you're going to feel worse. So you got to eat in small little windows. This is just what I read online. I didn't know, ex-ped on this. You know, that's how I did it. But it looks like four tacos at night will fuck your shit up if you had dinner already. No, but I'm not going to eat dinner. I'm going to live on the street like your cat.

So if you're not playing Gandhi, you're living on the street as a cat. They pick. They pick here. They pick there. They pick everywhere. I got crazy shit, man. Listen, you asked me a question. I left here.

We all laughed and giggled, but it wasn't a jokey question for me. And it was the one about what's your five-year window. At this point, I don't have a five-year window. But as August 19th, I had an 18-month window, so I turn 65. And that's the window I'm going for. I'm going for everything until I drop dead. 65 a bust. 65 a bust.

Then we'll reevaluate everything. But right now, tickets are moving. I'm happy. My family's happy. You guys seem happy. Fuck it. Let's go. We're going to a major festival.

Then we're going to Wisconsin. then we're going to fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma in December. You know, it's hot. And then I didn't drop the other news on you. Start in January. Start in January. My Thursday night's going to be wrapped around something else. I'm going to take

one person from me every time, different. We go, we do the fucking room at Joe's. Okay. And Friday morning we get up and we fly to a casino in Arizona or New Orleans because my agent was down there. We were talking. He goes, when we do this, you got the casino in New Orleans,

Dallas, Houston, do us six months. All real close to Austin. Yeah, so we're back home on Sunday still. Then the other guys will meet us down there. I can only take you or one other guy. You know, Pedro one week, the Chinese girl one week,

and then that Saturday or Friday will all meet. Okay. So that's the way to do it. I'll try to take Friday off so we could all meet in that city and hang out before Saturday morning. So we'll meet on Friday night. So that's dog.

The coconut has been. been cooking lately. You motherfuckers asked me a question. I took it seriously. I'm like, how can I have it? I didn't have an answer for you. Right. I did not have an answer for you and it bothered me and that's the best answer I could get. 18 months, I'm 65.

Then we'll see what the fuck is going on. Yeah. And that's it. Then we'll decide from there. If I don't want to travel, I'll pick up a residency somewhere. Once a month, New York Sony, Atlantic City, Philadelphia. I'll pick up something just to bring some grapes home every year. You're not sitting there like a fucking old man. Right.

No. You could... Dude, you could do this at 80. I think I don't like that you're falling, though. Like, do you... Is it just random, do you think? No, no. My knee got...

My foot got caught in a... On the nail thing. It was a barricade. So they stamped those big long nails into the floor. Right. So you can't push the barricades. Somebody did something and twisted that screw. Okay.

So my foot, I mean, bro. I wasn't going to go up. When were you going to go down? It caught me right on the tip of the shoe when I had the new sneakers on. I didn't bring up for you. I got some new A-24s. I got them on sale and shit that Dix.

Dick! 99 bucks. When I go to Dix and it's $99 bucks, I get it. I got myself from A-24 to the zipper. You were a shoe with a zipper on it now? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I hate them, though.

Why? They're not comfy. Yeah, those are great. Those are my favorite. I have to get a new pair. They didn't have these. No? They had them like with a purple stripe or some.

Uncle Joy don't wear purple stripes. No. You know what I'm saying? See, you learn something every fucking day. And that's it. Listen, I felt a lot better since I went back to that thing. I went back to goals. And I said, all right, that's the end.

January of 2000, whatever is my end. Then we'll get up. We wake up. rally with it and see who we're at. If I'm sucking and if it's really that I'm getting too old, then we pull the plug and we do something else. We play GTA.

Do you think, like, with Austin coming up and how the flights are, could you do it every month for a year, do you think? Look, I'm used to the flight now. And I got such a scam at the airport now. It's embarrassing.

I know everybody now. Oh, yeah? So now I walk in. and the guy, while I'm fucking already scanning with your phone, he's already got the handicap. Tell him it's my mother and all this shit.

So by the time I get to him, I duke him when I get up there, he takes my luggage. And now I got a wheelchair to take me. We make a few stops. Stop over here. But right off the bat, I give her a 20 because I see white people. Old white, fat people, give him three bucks.

the lady just pushed you from gate 92. You know what I'm saying? She's half your weight, you fat fuck. So I get right off the before I even sit, is for you. Get me there. And we zoomed through the airport, and then she waits with me if I want.

While I eat my food that I picked up on the run, she waits at me, and I get right on the fucking thing. She pulls me up first. To get on the plane? Okay. And I tell her about the thing. Here's another 10.

your job ends up. Take a hike. And I go down the stairs by myself, but I'm the first one on the plane. And then when I landed up, they're already waiting for me in the whole way. Mr. Deer, but I'll go up. There's four people with wheelchairs.

There'll be three of them, not one for me. Once I show them the 20, come on, get in. Fuck that person. And they push me up the rent. They don't give a fuck. I'm like, you sure? No, no, no. The guy's picking me up.

I hear him going, and then he pulls up again. Fuck, yeah. We stop. I take a piss. I take some money out of the ATM. I get a soda. I buy him a juice or whatever the fuck he wants. And they take me right to luggage.

I take my luggage. Last week, the guy walked me to my wife's car. And fucking garage number three, walk me to the car. That's a long hop to that garage. Yeah, I gave him 25. This guy right off the bat. He's like, no, no, no. I'm with you.

That's great. Right to my, meanwhile, my wife and daughter are like two miles behind. I'm just sitting on my sleep back. your bag. What? We got to, that's all. We had to get a scam out of Newark. I had to figure out how to fly out there efficiently, and I did.

Do you have their numbers? No, just a wave. Oh, you know, I thought you text them. $20 bill. You cut it into fours and just show them like this, scratch your eat, and they already know what's going on. That's amazing. You give them a 20, but at time you get to the window, they're calling you monsieur.

All right? Once the last time somebody called you, Mr. my mom? Dude, I'm cheap. I, even when I,

like, I never do like the curb side checking thing. Like, what is it called? Well, you check your bags at the gate, at the curb and you're supposed to give them like five, 10 bucks a bag.

Okay. I know, I always go, I'm cheap. I go in and wait. I don't like, dude, I would love,

every time I go to JFK, I want to get on those golf carts. And I have no idea how to get on one of those, like, big golf carts. Or do you like the wheelchair? I like the wheelchair, but,

they usually have the carts. Yeah. With nine people on it. Yeah, yeah. I give them an extra 20. Don't put nobody on it. Just me and you. People are, hey, fuck you.

Fuck you. Don't put nobody on this. Oh, yeah. Vote for me. If they ain't got a 20, don't stop for nobody. Don't stop. Fuck these motherfuckers.

They're all cheap. Yeah. Gotta give them the man of 20, all these. I'm cheap. Okay. I'll try it next time. Yeah, so I appreciate that question on the podcast.

Of course, dude. It really changed me a lot. It made me hunker down, and that's all I'm worried about now. The next month. It's February, what's next year? 27, 28. It's all I'm worried about. Until February 28th, I'm not booking a date after that or anything.

I'm just going to stick to that, give them the best I could do. In those 18 months, I got a pull date. Or I could stay in the game and not retire. Because I retire from SAG. And what does that mean? Like, you won't act again? Two grand a month. Oh, okay.

retire now? Or do you, it's too early? I think about quitting that shit every week because I'm just paying dues. I've only worked once in three years. You've still got to pay dues. If you retire, you can't be, you can't act? No, you can make a comeback and acting time that time.

Oh, okay. All right. And they'll fucking, but if you want your pension, it'll work against your pension and shit. Oh, okay. But I don't even know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty happy. I'm happy with the plan I got. There's no movies.

There's no television. There's no Netflix involved. It's just me, you guys. in the road. That's pretty cool. You're being the best that we could be. Then we'll schedule some festival in Jersey. That'd be fun.

Call it the fucking gangster squad or something. And do one of those lounges. Do like a new faces show for you guys. That'd be great. And that's it. We'll have a great year next year. I'm excited to see how your stand-up grows. Me too.

I'm excited to see where it goes at this age also. My home is good. Everything at the house. The GTA. Pedro's here. We had the best night of our lives fucking salving. That was hysterical. I don't know what happened.

They shot us off a bridge and we had to swim. Bro, whenever my car, listen, whenever my car hits the water, I'm dead. But I did swim. I learned how to swim this time,

so I was rocking it. Cuban-style, like a motherfucker. Cuban-style. It's amazing that he's gotten you to play it. Isn't that crazy Carly? She got noise effects and shit that are so fucking good. Helicopter,

Helicopter. Every time something happens, she fucking makes the noise. Everybody's having a good time. I don't care if I'm 63. I don't care if I'm not supposed to be playing it because I'm old. I'm having a good time. Where in the rule book? Does it say I can't play because I'm old?

Your rule book. That's right, motherfucker. Sucky. Yeah. Like Nicole used to. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, motherfucker. But that's it.

that's that, man. I love it. Good to see you. Good to see you. I missed you last week. I missed all you guys last week. I wish that the world was this. I wish I did have a big plane that we could just leave here at midnight like on a whim. It would be great to call men's and go men's back a bag. What do you mean? No, no, no, no, vomitos. Back a bag. We'll leave him without you. We'll send for you next week. I'll send you, don't worry, a message you get to you. We'll get a message to you. You'll say. Same thing, mama.

Back a bag and you ain't coming this time. There's the CIA. This is top level comedy shit. That's my dream. That's what we've got to get a little plane. Private plane. A little plane, like something that. I don't care if it's missing a wing.

I do. Bro, fuck it. We live together. We die together. We take our chances. Take our chances. That's right. Dude, the last thing we had a little plane, you puged.

It's okay. Well, we took a chance. No, in the dream, I want like the big one. Okay, that's good to know. That's what we should do. What's those thing called? When people could donate? Kickstarter?

No, the other thing. You put a picture of your son after you got by a car. Go fund me. Go fund me. Yeah, we should go fund the plane. Let's do it. It was good to see you guys. It was good to see you, motherfuckers.

I'm sorry. We're going to be giving you some more shit. I forgot to do a Twitch video. You know how that goes. We got too busy. But this week, I am at the dojo on Wednesday night. Whoever the fuck that is. Where is it?

Morris Plains. Morris Plains, New Jersey. And then I'm in Austin after the 9-11. So that's all I got right now. I posted something up for the improv, September 30th in Brooklyn. We're going back there. What do you got this week, Tarzan? This week, big one, drip at the stand.

It's like 738 a close. Oh, Wednesday night. Yeah. That's a good show, people. That's a very good show. Very good show. Very excited. I'm all over New York and then my big ones are later in September.

The Saratoga Comedy Festival and I have Florida. I have three shows in Florida, Boka and Tampa. You're headlining, right? Yep, and Boka and Tampa. Yep, it's going to be very exciting. T.J. English is tonight. I don't know, you know, I don't know what's going on with that. But T.J. English is tonight at the cutting room.

7 o'clock be there or be square motherfuckers all right thank you for watching thank you for another great week and we love you at all our hearts say good night lee good night stay black