Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Look at the shape of you

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

On this episode of The Church of What's Happening Now Joey can't believe that Lee Syatt is still alive, "If you're going to be that stupid, I gotta rob ya", the $1 million question in comedy and much more! SHOW NOTES: Support the show and get 15% off your Bioma order with code CHURCH at https://www.gobioma.com/church Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH

What's happening you savages? Uncle Joey and his trusted fucking partner of death here, Lee Syatt. It's a Tuesday morning, the 22nd of July, and it's the church, New Testament coming at you. Let's start this mother... What up? Uncle Joey here. Let me talk to you about something. If your gut gets thrown off, everything gets thrown off. Your mood, your digestion, your energy, basically your whole life. Bioma is here to fix all that. It's a blend of pre, pro, post-biotics that get you back in the zone,

taking those smooth, tremendous shits again. There's nothing like taking antibiotics, pain pills, and all of a sudden you're backed up like a fucking piece of cheese is back there and you're pushing and pushing. Listen, Bioma is there to take care of you and bring your gut back little by little, whether you're looking to drop some weight or take care of that hair, skin, and nails, or get your feminine health on track. Bioma has what you need. Listen, I've just gone through hell with antibiotics and bioma has been tremendous.

So your gut is the foundation of overall health and vitality. If you wanna be a motherfucking savage and sling dick with three hands, you better keep it in check with bioma. Listen, what I'm gonna do for you right now on a beautiful Tuesday Take 15% off your bioma order when you press encode church at go bioma dot com Slash church again. You're just sitting at home listening to this and I'm talking about probiotics and you're like Joey

I've been looking for a probiotic to balance me out. My hair looks terrible. My ass smells like billy goats I don't need this shit my life no more get some bioma That's 15% off with code church at get bioma comm Oh go bioma dot com slash church again. That's go bioma dot com slash church or click in the link in the show notes and get yourself bioma probiotics the goods Kick this motherfucking meal lead What's up? What's happening, Lee?

Good to see you, dude. Good to see you. How was your weekend up in Boston? It was, well- But wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Before we get into anything, it's birthday, it's happy birthday, Lee Syatt.

Thank you. He's 30 motherfucking seven. I'm praising him. Look at him. 12 years, he's still not dead. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Oh my God. You could say that he takes a lickin'

and keeps on fuckin' tickin'. I definitely have to be on that. I give him different edible combinations. I throw different defenses at him. I mix it up and he's fuckin' survived. I love you, buddy. Thank you. Dude, do you know how Stan Hope has a death pool?

Yeah. I must be on somebody's, with all those edibles. You don't think so? What, 300 pounds taking 2000 milligrams? More on the big dick pool. That's what we're at, Jack. We don't work, who's on that pool, you fucking mook? You don't work like that.

We're slinging big dick up here. You just said I'm just, I'm still alive, which is. That's right, that's good, we're both still alive. I mean, listen, I met you, I was a little younger. Now I'm an old Billy Goat, that's when I was a young Billy Goat. And we're still here, motherfucker, but happy birthday to you. Thank you, dude.

I know you spent the weekend up in Boston with mom. Yeah, it was nice to spend it with her. Yeah, it was very nice, look at you. But I'm surprised, I think, like there wasn't a news story about a bald Jew killing people on the highway with a U-Haul. I had to drive a U-Haul in New York, first of all. And then I had to drive, I'm so sure that I don't drive like one time they tried

to give me a pickup at like a car rental place and I got out and I couldn't even see over the top. It was a dude I had to drive the 405 on the way to work and I told them like I'm gonna kill someone if I'm trying to I can't see over anything. And I dude my mirror I've never driven a truck when have I ever driven a moving truck which is crazy that I'm allowed to for $400 I picked it up at a Shell station and they got it was dirty as fuck it was but the mirror the right mirror every time the car shook would turn so I was on the highway fucking and I couldn't roll down the window to even check it was a twist turn mirror still Yes, so 1920. Oh my god You know has two thousand million vehicles and all of them have a fucking knob and then I didn't think about this. I

Was using Google Maps and it took me on a highway and thankfully right before the exit They're like, like hey this is a No commercial vehicle nothing over 10 feet and I was 11 feet if I'd gone one more exit I would have been either stuck or Like I'd be one of those those videos were like the top of the truck comes off Would It's fucking wild that I survived this and by by the way, it is funny about the stairs. I was laughing, because I always hire movers and they fucking hate me.

They know it's four flights, but they're happy on the phone with the four flights. And then I got into my apartment to clean it out. And I had some stuff in the freezer and it was all frosty. And I figured they were just putting their heads in the freezer, because they had to go up and down like 18 times.

Oh, it's the best. I love hot. Oh, listen. I mean, if you're gonna go up four flights of steps, I'm gonna tip you extra. Yeah. But I'm gonna sit there and watch you die. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I ain't grabbing shit. I ain't grabbing nothing. I'll cheer you on. I'm like one of those white people in a race, I throw water at you and throw a little towel at you and shit and yeah, maybe give you some Gatorade and rub your shoulders on the way up, but I'm not even gonna try that shit.

That's something for really young people. Four flights of steps is you're 22, you have no money, and you live with 10 dudes in an apartment, and you can puke up there, you can do whatever. I mean, that's what- Oh, and they're in shape. These guys were nice, but the guys when I moved in, I had white guys this time.

You know what you gotta do? Let's call them up next time and go, listen, I got four floors, but don't worry about it. Bring me big guys, because I got a ton of food I'm gonna give away, and they'll bring three guys looking like me after that first flight, just watch them go down, mouth to mouth,

fucking Mexican immigration, no, no. It's fucking hysterical. Yeah, it would not be, like I had to do like three trips and I was drenched. Brutal. And I couldn't imagine, listen, I'm gonna lie to you guys, I was really sick in January, and there was one point in March

that I could not walk from my chair to the bathroom. I would just have to get a cup from the refrigerator. I put like a pee cup up there one time, because I knew just to take the pressure off me, so I could pee like three inches and then make it to the bathroom. And I took them fucking kidding me. I don't know what that pee like three inches and then make it to the bathroom and Three inches You took them fucking kidding me

I don't know what that means When I got you know like three inches of piss Oh, okay Just take the pressure off me and I could breathe and regain my fucking breath Okay And then I would go in the bathroom and pee but there were nights that you guys know me I wouldn't eat because I had to walk up those steps Oh damn

I'm like I got cold water down here like a motherfucker. That's it, everything's upstairs. And I would sit down there, and until my wife came home or whatever, and I'd tell her I can't walk up. So I know, I can't even imagine. Four fucking flights of steps, and you get all the way upstairs, right?

You fucking sit down and all of a sudden, because even the way upstairs right you fucking sit down and all sudden because even the Chinese people won't come back like if they deliver the food fee and they forget the spare ribs they ain't coming back. No we give credit man that's it he ain't going back up the guy will come back and I ain't going back up those steps there's no way I'm going back up those steps. I was surprised that delivery guys would do it and the one I first moved there, I was like, oh, there's no way. And they came up the stairs, God bless them. Oh, but those Hispanic movers, dude, they went up and down

when I moved in with more shit. And after it, they smoked cigarettes outside. It was the most impressive. They were so much better than the white Russian ones. They train with backpacks. Those are the same migrants that walk all over the place with a backpack and when you're seeing them, they gotta get to where they're going.

But after all and all, you had a good weekend. Yeah, it was great. It's a, I'm very, it's crazy. There's a, you know, not everyone gets like to have their parents when, like when I'm, you're 37 with parents is. That's big, bro. It's big, so it was nice to spend it with her. Good for you, my friend. Yeah, it was fun. And the girlfriend's still out of town, you're 37 with parents is big. So it was nice to spend it with her.

Good for you, my friend. Yeah, it was fun. And the girlfriend's still out of town, you're lonely? Yeah, the three weeks. You got the cat, don't hate you. Oh, her cat, dude. Ha ha, her cat is, like, just doesn't like anybody. No, but she doesn't like you.

She's anti-people. He was sleeping and she crawled up on the bed just to whack him and crawled right back. Well she's mad because my girl's been gone for like 11 days or something. So when she's around, the cat will allow me to be there. Like cause I gave it treats. It would follow me and kind of like nip at my feet

a little bit into the treats. And then if I didn't give the treats fast treats, it would like follow me and like kinda like nip at my feet a little bit into the treats and then if I didn't give the treats fast enough it would whack me. But now, cause I was gone a lot last week, like I stayed in Harlem packing up. Now when I get to the apartment, it's like, cause I've never had cats, so I'm learning that there's a meow and then there's I'm gonna fuck you up meow. Yeah, there's like three different meows.

I'm hungry meow, pat me meow, I hate Jews meow. That's the meow you get the most. It's like, maybe she's fucking German. You ever think of that? She might be, but apparently she attacks everybody. She attacked a cleaning lady, and she's a cute cat. I got these things that like spray stuff out that's supposed to calm cats down.

No, no, catnip, George is right. She has catnip, okay, I'll follow. You gotta give it to her and play with her and get the ball. I can't touch this fucking cat. No, you don't touch it when they have the thing. Just get a string. Cats get amused, and it's time.

At first you're gonna look at it and go, go fuck yourself you juke-hack sucker and then and then you think I should get a toy yeah get a couple toys okay I'll try it become my friend I like this I want to like this cat you got another 12 days with this crazy crazy bitch she's either gonna kill you or you're gonna kill her she's gonna fucking get you gonna wake up you're gonna be like Henry Hill and Goodfellas when his wife's on top of him with the fucking gun Henry Dude, that's you dude her place doesn't have a bedroom door like it's just the way it's set up so I have a like boxes moving boxes set up as like a

Like a barrier. Oh, no, don't get around. I have to walk around the apartment I have pillows stashed around the apartment because I walk around with it like it's a goalie leg pad. Like she's going to cook you in the legs. Oh, because she loves getting hit in the leg. Oh my God, she loves it and it stings. Why does getting scratched by a cat sting? Because they got shit on their nails.

Oh, she always cleans her fucking paws after she does it. Oh yeah, because then they rip them. And we've been cool, but I think it's because she's lonely or something. She's lonely, but bring it tonight Stop at whatever in the city. They're open Stop at one of those K-Mart and get like a cat department and get her a nice little catnip and get us some toys The fishing rod with the fish. Okay, you know, they love that shit. They lose their fucking mind the fishing rod with the fish. You know, they love that shit. They lose their fucking mind.

Get us something, the laser. Apparently the lasers are illegal in New York, is what I've been told. They don't tell them. And then get the ball where you put the thing in. The cat nip in and they play with it. Okay, I've never tried playing. Bro, let me tell you something.

One of the best things I've ever done in my life is get super high and play with the cat, okay? That's an hour and a half Finally you go am I a fucking idiot? I mean is there something wrong with me? I used to have a cat I would get high at night and I would get a towel a piece of blank paper And go and he would she would he would charge up and shoot and I'm going away And I would do that shit for fucking two hours a night Yeah, cuz you're so cool with your cats. I like that was you're my first person that like yes

I'll call you can't do because the most cats I've never been attacked But like most cats are like they just they're weird like everyone's like I have a cat but it hides You won't see it and then like every once in a while You'll see it running from one room to another but it hides under under a furnace. Like I'm used to dogs where like cool. Listen, I didn't start out a cat lover, okay? I didn't start out a cat lover. I was scared of cats. And I was scared after we pulled a burglary in 83,

and the lady kept telling us every time we went over there. It was a hell of a year for you. Every time we, it was 84, I'm sorry, it was 84, right before I went homeless. God punished me for robbing this house. And every time I went over to the bike coke to let him go, hold on, and she'd go, this is downtown North Perrigan. Okay, and she'd go, how much do you have, 250? Okay, hold on, let me go weigh it in the room

and I'll bring it back to you. This went on for six months. And finally, you know, like when everybody goes over there she you know we all got together one night and we're like you know I forget what a fucking name was Zorinda. She was Colombian really pretty and every time people went over there it was 20 minutes to get your shit. 20 minutes you gotta go on the back and pet the fucking thing so we had an idea that maybe she's got a bodyguard back there or just a guy she's fucking back there. So one day we decided to just break into

the house and find out for ourselves. It was a cat, one of those Siamese cats. Oh no. And as my friend came out to throw the loot off the balcony, I never saw that. The cat flew, landed on his head and clawed right here. And he's up there and we're like, grab her off. And he's like, I can't, I can't. He's trying to grab the cat. And every time he'd get the cat this off, the cat would switch to this paw and would rip this.

Oh my God, it was hysterical. We got in the car, that motherfucker was bleeding. When I see him today, I was going, let me touch the cat's car. Fuck you, you still remember that, you motherfucker? And he still hates cats. No, and then I went to Aspen, and Steve Ciavoni, his girlfriend, he had the dog, but she had two cats.

And I don't understand, listen, cats are a fucking weird animal. I love my female cat, but I'll tell you, I'm the first one to tell you, she's a fucking bitch. It's all on her terms. And at the end of the week, you end up respecting that. The big reason why people don't like cats is because you can't go, come here, killer.

They'll look at you and go, go fuck your mother and walk the other way. And you're like, what the fuck, I feed you? I clean your little box, I give you yum yums. You feel, they have to come to you on their terms. You have to treat them. If you're a man, you have to treat them how you would treat a female you were fuckin'

tryin' to pick up. If you go after a woman, you're like, she's gonna fuckin' leave. Cats, you gotta give them a flower and then disappear for two weeks until they come to you. Cats are insecure, like we are as comics, right? We go to a comedy show, and I say this about a lot of big names.

Like there was one particular big name that I would watch at the comedy store when I first got there. And if you watch those guys, I'm with George, I'm with Nick, I'm with Lee, I'm with my best friends in the world, I'm having a good time. but I wanna know why Polly is standing over there and he won't come over.

I'm not concerned in a, follow me guys at all, in a psychological, I'm with my friends, but I'm concerned why isn't that motherfucker over here with us? I don't know what I'm getting. And that's you as a cat. That's a cat if if you have to If you go home chasing the cat like when you get this catnip, you're gonna go home You're gonna be tired, you know open up this bag and she's gonna look at you and probably spot you Just start a fucking Jew hatin, you know

You know how it is. She went then why you you know saying She's not a fucking Jew hatin'. You know how it is. She went to NYU, you know what I'm saying? She's in free Palestine. Fuck yeah, Jesus Christ. And you're gonna go fuck you, Joey. You don't know what you're talking about. Give her a couple days. Take the thing out, put the thing in there, put it on the floor, make the jiggle,

throw the fucking fit. How long, now it's a duel of the, what do you call it? Not the fittest, but a duel of wits. Who could do this for the longest, without her attacking or without you giving up? I just don't wanna get attacked. She's not gonna attack you. After a while, she's gonna start attacking that thing.

But every time she sees me, that's like the danger now. Well then you have the stick, you whack her with the stick and let's get back to the fish. I can't whack the fucking cat. Yeah you can, every once in a while. Listen, that's how it's gonna cross. You're either gonna have to kick it or fuck it

and hit it with the stick. I just whack it with the pillows, I just move it when it comes down. I'm just joking here, but what I mean is, I can whack. You have to just put that shit out and then one day you're gonna be sitting there, high as fuck, and that cat's gonna pick that thing up,

not only that, jump on your lap and bring it to you. And you're gonna be like, ooh, because I know that's how I would be. You're petrified, and then they start doing this to you. And you really don't know what that is. Like, I don't know, I didn't know. So that made me kind of not like cats, you know what I mean, but. I don't wanna like them, I me kinda not like cats. You know what I mean?

I don't wanna like them. I don't wanna like them. You have to because she's got a cat. And any other woman, every other woman you're gonna be with has a cat or likes a cat. And if you wanna get into the cat, you gotta like the cat, okay? We've been cool.

We've been cool up until now. So hopefully when she gets back we'll be cool. Wait till you start dating like, let's say God forbid, I don't have an issue with it all my heart, but God forbid you guys break up. Two years from now, every girl you're gonna meet, especially in the Arab descent or whatever,

they're all gonna come up to you and say to you, listen, you know, you wanna come up and see my cat? What do you think? You wanna come up and get attacked? That means come up and see my fucking cat. We're from Persia, I'll teach you how to fucking, whatever, I don't know what these people from Persia. I love the scenario that you're in. This woman is like being very aggressive with her pussy. I'll teach you how to fucking rate whatever. I don't know what these people Marry all they are in

Like being very aggressive with her pussy every time I see like a hot Arab chicken with that shit Gotta that shit got a badass fucking cat at the house I don't know why every time I see a beautiful Indian woman. I'm like that shit got a mystical cat at the house Like one of those cats that reads your fortune is shit tells you is gonna win tonight The red sides are gonna cover against the Phillies and shit. Oh my God. Let's talk about something that Lee and I discuss, George and I discuss.

I'm 62. My IQ is probably like 84. Like I'm just a moron. All right. I mean, I have a GED, I'm not well spoken, I curse, I'm insecure, you know, I got a lot of problems. But when a guy like me has to go, and Lee and I ask each other this question every other day,

when did the world get this fucking stupid? When did the world? Get this fucking stupid When did the world I was telling my fucking wife that What we have now is not that we're dumb. Also. We have nothing that's going on. It's called nerds I have never seen even at the weed store. Listen, we were kids nerds didn't smoke weed They fucking built models or whatever the fuck they did. Oh, who the fuck they did? You know what I'm saying?

They just get really high and do it. Nerdy guys play computer games. They just stayed away from all that. I went into the wheat store the other day and I seen two kids, both of them were 20. They were on line. They couldn't look any goofier. The glasses, the braces, the curly,

that new perm that these little faggots put on their head to stick out. They both had those fucking shoes, glocks. What do you call those? Crocs. What is it? Crocs. Crocs on.

Right away, you're fucking losing with me. You're like minus 88 as a human being right now. And I'm a felon, you know what I'm saying? They saw me, the one kid looked at me and all of a sudden they went back. I got my weed when I walk outside, they're both out there like, hey, Joey, can you take a picture with us?

It's my birthday and I'm like, sure. And I'm looking at these guys, you know what they were in there for? That their vapor pen was broken. And I'm like, so I'm goofing on them. I don't even know, I'm like, so your vapor pen broke. They And I'm like, so I'm goofing on them. On them, they don't even know. I'm like, so your vapor pen broke. They're like, yeah, man.

We don't know what the hell happened. And I'm like, 30 years ago, me and George would just walk into the back. We got a box full of vapor pens for you. A box, I'm gonna give it to you for free, come on. We would have beat them right there, George. Those two kids, you had to beat them. It's like that thing in L.A. people got me,

well, what would you talk a girl, if I go into anybody and I go, hey, if I get you on stage, you gonna suck my dick? And they go, yeah, and you suck my dick. I'm gonna keep doing it, you know what I'm saying? It's the same thing, I mean... That's quite the defense. Huh?

That's quite... I'm gonna keep doing it. Yeah, yeah. If you're this stupid, you understand me? If you go to yourself, wait a second, I've sucked this dick 18 times, I've never gotten on stage. And you go, okay, finally, maybe it's a joke on me but what was I getting to these are cheaper choose back in the house Jack we did about 400 milligrams

and a fucking hundred and twenty of that pagan strain right so what we get to who knows I know who knows but how if you're gonna people that's stupid if you're gonna keep falling for something as a human being, they're gonna keep doing it to you. You have to. There's always gonna be somebody that's gonna go, it's like the kid who told me, do you know anybody who takes how to get into the mob?

And when I said to him, yeah, I got a guy in the Bronx. Right there, you're like, ah, if I'm gonna keep going until you bite. And he's like, what do I gotta do? I go, yeah, let me call the guy. Because I couldn't believe I was hearing this. I'm like, I'll come back in a few days. And I milked him perfectly.

Because if I would have gone for it, he wouldn't have known it was a scam. I went home and thought about it. I came back to listen, I talked to that guy in the Bronx. And I went to Kmart by my house and got a book of applications for 99 cents. And I ripped that application right off and put it in the yellow envelope

and put like, Nicky Scars on it and gave it to him. Nicky Scars. And I'm like application right off, they put it in a yellow envelope, and put like, Nicky Scars on it, and gave it to him. Nicky Scars. And I'm like, fill this out, and you gotta give me 2,000 and a money order. Yep, no names on the money order. Just make it out the cash. This guy did all this shit. So, you know, why wouldn't I, where would I stop?

What am I gonna do, wait for him to give me the money, I'm gonna go, I was just goofing on you. That's $2,000, and I need to pay the rent. If you're that stupid, I gotta rob you. That's my, that was always my world. If you're that fucking stupid, I'm gonna rob you. You cannot live your life like this. Anyway, Lee and I always have a segment

in our morning conversations called The World Is Getting Stupid. And then my wife and I were talking about, you know, just different things that I see that were really fucking nerds, like my neighbors. I thought they were like cool as shit. They tell me what concerts they're gonna see. I stopped talking to them.

Like I had to stop talking to them. What are they gonna see? I'm not even gonna disclose, okay? And then they told me who my favorite comic was, and I'm like done, blocked. Blocked? Blocked, I don't even want disclose, okay? And they told me who my favorite comic was, and I'm like, done, blocked. Blocked? Blocked, I don't even want you borrowing the shovel. I'm saying that's how much you're blocked.

Like I'm to that point in my life, I don't wanna hear it no more. Anyway, what are we talking about anyway? So, something happened last week that I didn't really think about because I'm not smart like you people I don't jump on things right away I need to process it and then I run it towards the lieutenants here and we laugh about and then I run it by my wife

because my wife and I tell my wife exactly how I feel about a subject and we had this conversation today let's start with it nice, nice and simple. How stupid can you fucking be? What was the other thing we talked about? When did the world become stupid? I'll tell you when. When a guy takes his side piece to KC Coldplay. Oh my God. That's when you're that stupid.

See, this is a whole, we could do two weeks on this fucking subject, because this shows you what I'm telling people. Nick and I discussed this this afternoon I Don't know everybody says he's worth 1.2 billion. Is that what he's worth or is that what he's got in the bank? Probably worth okay, so he's probably worth 900 million cash somewhere There's 900 million with his name on it his wife. Whatever the fuck after he gets caught cheating. That's still 450 Are you fucking kidding me you

Took your stupid assistant to a Coldplay concert For starters you should get caught just for that for going to see Coldplay Because they're not the band is this word cheating for you're gonna cheat cheat with fucking the stones or fucking Ozzy's last Hurray in England you went to Coldplay, you dumb fucking generic fucking Kool-Aid drinking fuck. Did you see him? Did you see how 100, what did he work? Anyway, nine.

He was loving it too. It wasn't like they were just having to be there. He's a retard, he's a fuck. Again, this is why I tell you people, I don't care how stupid you think you are, you too can make $1.2 billion. Because this guy just showed you how fucking stupid he is. Okay, remember that book O.J. wrote,

If I Was Gonna Do It? Yeah. If I Was Gonna Do It? If I got 900 million, I'm sure I got a little money scattered around somewhere. Okay, you got a little money scattered around somewhere. you got a little money scattered around somewhere then I just call an agent go hi CIA my name is whatever Johnny astronaut whatever the fuck he was right I want to make a movie about what I don't know but I got three million

dollars with your name on it if you meet today, I got a proposal for you. Let's just make up a short film. Get me Brad Pitt, get me somebody else, let's take him to Rome, and let's say we're shooting a movie and I'll take this chick as my assistant, even if I don't shoot movies. You know what I'm going over to them, what are you doing? I'm gonna shoot a movie, oh you can't go.

You can meet me in a couple months. I'll be scuba diving for a month. I'm gonna take that chick over there, what are you doing? I'm gonna shoot him, oh you can't go. You can meet me in a couple months. I'll be scuba diving for a month. I'm gonna take that chick over there and you saw that steak I ate? That's what a pussy's gonna look like. Okay, I'm gonna light that chick's pussy on fire. If you're gonna cheat, cheating don't mean you go to a Coldplay concert.

Cheating means we meet, we fuck, suck, I rip your bra, I cum in your mouth, and then we go, see you next week. And we get in each other's cars and we fuck until they do. You don't go in your fucking mistress's car, you don't do nothing. This is like dumb shit 101. How would you do it, Joey?

A, a fucking beard. If you're gonna take a mistress out, or if you're abroad and you're gonna take a guy out you need to get a fucking beard What does that mean? They had her next to him that goofy broad had nothing to do with it. She was the setup She was she knew and she was just getting like a fucking retard Again, you could pay a chick a half mil, listen, just stand right there. Just stand right there with us.

Okay, number two, why are you hugging her? You're supposed to be fucking her in the ass, not hugging her from behind, playing look memories. No, that's not it. What the fuck are you doing? You dumb fuck. You fucking moron. With that dick face it is. Then then when the camera caught him both of them are looking for their wallet Both of them batten number two. I just keep holding you yeah waving and when my wife says what happened

She didn't feel good. So I was holding on to anything. No, it would never would have been a thing It was only a thing because like it wasn't like they were looking for their wallet I think she basically dropped to the floor and he did like a 360 or something. He turned listen that dude was whiter than white That dude was whiter than white and his face got even whiter. Look at that picture. He's fucking pale He shit himself and that listen I just never understood that if you're gonna go You gotta go You gotta go, but you're not gonna take a girl to a fucking con listen

You know what I pray for all the time. I pray That a hot girl doesn't sit next to me in the UFC Do you see what happens when I go to your season? I pray that a hot girl doesn't sit next to me in the UFC. Do you see what happens when I go to the UFC? Nephew number one, do you see what happens? I'm staring at some girl's ass. I always get in trouble for something at a UFC. Could you imagine if you put a hot chick

or a young chick next to me, dog, they'd put me under the fucking jam. I think I went to one UFC where like three chicks were gonna sit there and I go, no! I put like fucking two fat guys, I go, you take the seat, I'll seat behind you. Next to the fucking, you know.

Cause that's all you need, now I gotta explain that. Now listen, my wife knows I'm a fucking mental midget, she knows I'm not, you know. But if I was gonna give somebody a stabbing, it wouldn't be at a co-play concert. What concert would you go to? None, there's no concerts. There's like a meeting, we come over here,

we look at cameras, and all of a sudden, next thing you know, you've been next to a woman, man, and all of this has happened to us one time. You've been next to a woman, and you're like on the borderline of fainting because you want that woman so bad that's happened to me when I was 16 that little hot melt in my neighborhood Faye Cardinelli when I touched a little egg dog I almost melted like I'm not lying I'm telling you the truth at 16 my body couldn't handle that and there's been other situations whereas I'm telling you the truth. At 16, my body couldn't handle that. And there's been other situations

where as I got older, you're a little coked up and the chick is like her bra is halfway there, her nipples popped out, she's doing coke with you. Every time she goes to the bathroom, she comes out and she ties her button and shows you the top of her pubic hairs. You know, and you're like, what do I do as a man? You know what I'm saying?

Those decisions have always killed me. And one day I just say, just ask him. Hey listen, you're walking around with those, you're pussy out, either take it off or put it back on. Oh, you want me to take them off? Yeah, take them off. Why would I take them off? I have a boyfriend, oh, you never told me,

but if I had a girlfriend and she's walking around with a tip, anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. But you know what I'm talking about here It's I know you hear me you're fucking galoop see what happened one another cheaper to know So it's just crazy. I look at this and I go How does this happen? Where was this Coldplay concert?? I think it was like either Gillette or Fenway. I can't. Oh my God.

What a fucking shame. And both of them now, right? They both quit. I don't know. He resigned, my wife was saying. Well me and my wife are howling talking about this today. Like there's so many different ways if you're gonna do this.

It's like everything else, we've all forgotten why we're in this struggle. Cheat is to cheat. Maybe, I mean, let's say I had millions of dollars. I would meet a chick. Where can you meet a guy? Where can I meet a woman without somebody going to me? Hey Aren't you Joey Diaz?

Probably have to be online. We follow on your Instagram. We do where am I gonna fuck him online? Online? Well, what am I gonna AI into a fucking bedroom? No, you introduce you slide into the DMs. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about like, okay, let's say I just wasn't Joey Diaz. Let's say I was just a normal platoon. And I love my wife, but we've been together for 30 fucking years, and every once in a while,

you gotta make sure everything's still tip top Magoo. Okay, you're risking everything in the world. I'm risking my daughter's love, I'm risking a whole type of thing. Now let me explain something to you. I've been with Terry for 25 years. If you don't think I've had situations where I wanted to fuck somebody,

or if you don't think I've had situations where you almost come, you haven't. We're men, we're men, we're on the fucking road. Things are gonna happen. But I'll tell you something about me Once I come close to a situation like that and I get out of it and my heart starts beating and I smoke some pot And process it that's it Cuz I don't want to feel like that ever fucking again Right, you know I'm saying listen

everybody loves their wife But everybody loves a little blowjob more. Just a little tiny one that you bump into in the hallway on the way to fucking the bathroom or something. You know what I'm saying? Every man loves, I'm just telling you, and people gonna say, Joey, fuck you and your fucking hypocrisies.

Everybody loves their wife to death. I wouldn't have a life without my wife. I can't pick up the phone and call a woman and go, hey, I wanna meet you somewhere, and I want you life without my wife. I can't pick up the phone and call a woman and go, hey, I wanna meet you somewhere and I want you to lick my nuts. That's not good karma. But if I'm walking down the street to my car and some chick, there was a chick walking down here

last week that walks a dog, late at night, like 9.30, fucking beautiful. I was in the car and I'm like, where the fuck did she come from? She could have mugged me I didn't see a shit hot little pants on a little those dirty flip-flops. She was Spanish What if she just runs up to you and go it's party time cocksucker. Take it out It's party time And that'll never happen right? It It's the shit that, listen,

what do you think keeps me alive at night? The shit that goes through your stupid mind when you're high. How many times do I throw something on and you don't even watch it? You don't even watch it. You just put it on, you're listening to a few things, but you're thinking about all this other shit. I'm 62.

I live in my fucking head, you know? I live in my fucking head. Let me tell you how much I live in my head. I'm sitting there Saturday night, high as a motherfucker. We went to... Saturday, my daughter had three games, but something happened during the first game, and she went home after the first game.

And she went right to bed. She didn't fucking feel good at all. And she was supposed to wake up and go to a party. She goes, Dad, I'm not even gonna go. I'm not even going, I don't even feel good. But then at seven, she got up and she's like, Dad, I wanna get out of here. And I go, we'll call somebody.

And she called her friend, the friend said, yeah, come over. Come over and watch a movie with me and my mom. My wife dropped her off. And I go, Terry, what the fuck? It was earlier. It was six, the party was at four. And Mercy's like at five, she's like, I don't wanna go.

I just wanna go to my friend's house. Okay. We get in the car, me and my wife, we drop her off. And we just go driving around. I don't wanna go to the same fucking restaurants, you know? Let's get the fuck outta here. And as we're getting the fuck outta there, I see this restaurant.

Everybody says, well two people say it's fucking great. You gotta go there, both the one guy's Mr. Health. And he calls it from the fucking tape, from the, what is it Nick, from the farm to the table. So me and my wife went in there, Doug. It's called Jasper Stone. And I didn't know what to expect. Now, my nephew brought it up to me and fucking George.

I usually don't do well with wire beef, but it was the special. I knew I was gonna get seafood for my wife. My wife likes oysters, so I knew she'd get. So I asked for the half a tower Thank fucking God. They gave me half the ocean on that mother Huh? Half a tower they had a tower I have dog, please

That's a lot and a half a tower. So I was like holy fuck So I ate the I ordered the, whatever steak, not thinking of anything. Next thing you know, this little blonde guy comes up to me with a steak dangling from a chain. I'm like, did he even leave a suicide note? This motherfucker, it was a piece of meat like a head. I thought it was Jesus on the meat.

If I was Mexican, it would have been like fucking, and he just lit it on fire, dog. Yeah, it was tremendous. just lit it on fire dog Yeah, it was tremendous. He lived on fire. I just send it to Joe All right, I wish I could get it up there my god this fucking meat I ate three pieces of it because the seafood had filled me up and It took it home like I just couldn't finish the garlic. I only ate a little piece of the bacon. I had a really good time in there.

You would go to a restaurant, I did something. There was a couple sat next to me. They were waiting for their meal, and I got my meal. And I looked at her, and she's like, ooh, that looks yummy. And I go, you want a piece of steak? And she just looked at me. I go, take a piece of steak. And her husband was old school, he's like, no, I'm gonna take a piece of steak,

fuck you, husband. I gave her a piece of that bacon and she fucking loved it. And then after that, we were just talking table to table. It was BYOB. So you gotta drink water like a motherfucker. It's like being in fucking, it's like being on that island in Florida with the alligators around and shit, they don't even get water twice a day That's a cold fucking place to be bro. They're sending those motherfuckers

But uh, yeah, that was a fucking tremendous meal if you got a chance chance to go to Jasper Stone, please stop in there. Make reservations, because they're busy as hell. That's cool, it looked great. It did look good. Listen, to go to a new restaurant from time to time, it's like when I went to my nephew's over in Smith and Molenski, I was happy for a week. You guys knew that.

I was happy, it was simple. I was happy for a week. You guys knew that. I was happy, it was simple. And when I came back, the filet of many lobsters. Just a fucking steak, though. I am surprised you got the one that they lit on fire. Well, I didn't know they were gonna light it on fire, but you know.

It didn't say that on the menu? But just to thought of, they light a meat piece on fire and shit. Like I've been to restaurants where they use the you cook the meat on Yourself one. It's Korean. Yeah, yeah, or the blowtorch or whatever the fuck they do. I never blow towards Yeah, the Korean one has this the rock. Yeah with the fucking With the or just call underneath no or just a grill right and then let was not an arm. I put the fucking menus You know, what is this one?

What was that didn't want me talking about a different one no, I'm cooking in front of you There was Korean barbecue then there was a place 20 years ago me Felipe There was Korean barbecue, and then there was a place 20 years ago, me, Felipe, Gabriel, it was in Dallas, by the Dallas Improv in Addison, Texas. They opened it towards the end, and you went in there, and you picked out vegetables, and then there was like a circle,

like that thing in Midnight Express, when the fucking, when the Turkish people with the hash walked around the circle. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Listen, I want to sit and get cooked. That's it. I don't want no fucking no Remote control sushi. What is it? It comes on a fucking variable comes out one another shit Okay, you like all that shit white people love all that shit convey about you don't say no money. No nothing. There's no love Well, you could there's no love. There's no love between the chef and the fucking server. That's true the chef and the fucking server. That's true. This is what, dog, I've been trying to tell you, you motherfuckers.

You mean the chef and the? Everybody thinks I'm such a gorilla and a felon. I'm not, but I am. Because I understand, I love to eat. And if you have a great waiter, that's a great, if the waiter is just funny and cool and talks to your girlfriend or your wife or your mom, man.

Makes her feel at home or your mom. I'll give that motherfucker whatever he wants. Not about me, I'm gonna drink water, I'm a stiff. You got another dime out of me beside the meat. You know what I'm saying? Another dime, maybe a flan or something like that. But I'm not gonna get an 18-dollar cocktail. So when I go to a bar, I'm worthless to you.

That's why I hate sitting at the bar, but I do. Because I know from my mother having a bar, that fucking seat needs to generate a certain amount of money per hour That's how I was raised. So when I started a bar, I'm like, oh this seats should be making $32 an hour Yeah, I'm drinking water with ice cubes. Ain't nobody that's why I always get a soup or something to compensate You see guys the small details if you're gonna be we're gonna rock you're gonna rock, we're gonna rock. If we're gonna roll, we're gonna fuckin' roll, Lee. I get that. Back to that dumb motherfucker that cheated on his wife, that fuckin' moron.

1.2 billion, that's how you do it. I might not sleep at night, I'm so fuckin' angry about that. Why are you so mad? Because just the stupidity, the bold. Again, do you refer to, listen, you can refer to this as a thousand things. This ain't nothing about having money. At the end of the day, he's just a dumb fuck.

He's just a dumb fuck. His wife don't suck his dick no more. So, you know, look at the kid behind him with the glasses. That's the kid that came up to me. Yeah, that's the kid that came up to me at the wheat store. That little aftereffect. Yeah, look, he's clapping, she's turned around, and now she's telling her,

I'm supposed to be at my kid's bitty basketball tournament. Meanwhile, I'm up here fucking about to blow fucking Johnny's stupid, and now you ain't got a job. It was pretty funny. I Don't follow her but I saw she's an annoying little fuck But I saw her walking on the red carpet a couple weeks ago with a little chicken ass and I started following her Thank you. Wait to find out who you're talking about. Bethany Frankel. Oh Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. She went to some walkway. I saw it on CNN. I'm like, who's that hottie? She was fucking walking down. I'm like, I told my wife, look at her. With that little chicken ass shaking it and shit. And then I read something about her.

She attacks fat women. Did you know that? Look, when chicks say to her like, hey, you're too old for that She goes right at him. So yeah, Bethany Franklin was, she put a post up a couple months ago, I listened to this post and she made so much fucking sense. You know guys, I have fears. I have fears.

I have fears. I have fears. I have fears. I have fears. I have fears. I have fears. I have fears. I have fears. months ago I listened to this post and she made so much fucking sense you know guys that I have fears the only reason why I didn't become a full-time gangster was because there's no future to it you're gonna die in a fucking prison you're gonna die in a prison show me one guy who has it show me one guy who has

it who the fucking Jew he died in his own prison because they were watching Show me one guy who hasn't. Show me one guy who hasn't. Who? The fucking Jew? He died in his own prison because they were watching him constantly. He's my favorite Jew too. Maya Lansky. He didn't die in a prison. He died in his own terms, but he was watched. The FBI parked a fucking tent up his ass the rest of his life. Put me in jail.

You know, my uncle in Miami, all the construction jobs and those houses and the boats when we were kids, and he fucking went to prison, got out when he was 66, did nine years, golden time of your fucking life. You know, he came out, he left five houses, came out, lived in a trailer. And then in 91, that hurricane down there fucking cleaned out his fucking trailer I do it had millions of fucking dollars when I was a kid So I saw that shit not my hey, man That's not a good way to fucking end your death

Because once you come out of prison at 71 you got nothing Social Security. You got nothing. They took everything You got to assume they took everything you had nothing to start with. If you had something you wouldn't have been in prison anyway, you dumb fuck. But the more, you know, listen man, I love going on the road, okay? Okay. And until 2000, look at the shape of you.

Dude, I'm just trying to keep track of the story. You ready for another little achievement shoot? I don't think we are. You don't? It's only 50 milligrams. It's your birthday, Lee. This written? I don't think we are. You don't? It's only 50 milligrams. It's your birthday, Lee. This is what I'm talking about, guys. I got a tub jar, come on, Lee.

50, 50, 50. If you want to split one, I'll do it. You want to split one? What's between 25 and 50? A lot. That's like a chick that sits on your face. What's the difference? 25 pounds of 30, nothing.

You're still gonna smell the root of her mufflers, so. We'll be right back. Gotta read to you. We'll be right back. Take your time. Oh, what's going on, beautiful people? Uncle Joe here. I wanna talk to you about Lucy's breakers.

Lucy's breakers change everything. You think you know about nicotine pouches? You know dick, nothing! Lucy Breakers are nicotine pouches with a capsule inside. Break the capsule for a wave of flavor and hydration. They got flavors like berry citrus, tremendous apple cider, tremendous mango, tremendous, I love it. This is a mango one right here, unbelievable. apple cider, tremendous mango, tremendous, I love it.

This is a mango one right here, unbelievable. You pop them just like this, right in the side of your lip, right by the stitches, get that in there, you know what I'm saying? You could even set yourself up with a Lucy subscription to get Lucy delivered straight to your door. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy.co slash church again,

and press encode church, C-H-U-R-C-H. Lucy.co slash church and press encode church to get 20% off your first letter. Are you crazy or what? We're gonna get numbers like that. Uncle Joey, Lucy even has a 30 day refund policy 20% off your first order. Are you crazy or what? We're going to get numbers like that. Uncle Joey, Lucy even has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind. And again, that's lucy.co and use code CHURCH to get 20% off.

And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age Every order is age-verified Warning the product contains nicotine Nicotine is an addictive Chemical. All right, but don't forget tell them uncle Joey sent you. It's good stuff. I love you. Have a great week We're back savages Anyway, I want to talk to you what was done to me. I am ready to fucking live again.

I don't know if you guys know this, but we had a rough year this year. It was a little tough at first to digest because we all walk around thinking everything's cum si cum sa, but there you are four in the morning and you're in the hospital and you can't even bang one up because you know the Filipino nurse is coming back

in 15 minutes. But all seriousness you know I got out of there in March and I was like determined and then I had like what is that when you blow something up and Scrapnel. I had Scrapnel from the hospital. My fucking bridge broke and then I had this boil in my ear which you guys would always ask, why's he got a bandaid on his ear? Why's he got a bandaid on his ear? Well, now he's got a beard.

Why's he got a beard? What happened to the bandaid? You guys are a bunch of fucking nosy rosies. So I had this bandaid, there was a boil, they fucking took it out, but they had to cut out so much skin, they had to pull the skin back and put 60 stitches all through this and a little bit through the back.

And then I waited two weeks and then last week, they went out and pulled out this tooth, this tooth, and one more in the back to make it complete. And bitches, I'm still standing, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? I've been drinking milk like a motherfucker Building new fucking bone in there plus they put some bone from a cadaver in there Oh, that's always so I don't know what nationality. I didn't check. I don't know what type of fucking would you want to know, huh?

It doesn't matter okay, it doesn't fucking matter but So it's been a hell of a fucking summer guys. I turned down a play I Turned down a series in Vegas. I turned down a movie a small role didn't fucking matter and I turned down a couple things because I Never told my friends and my family when this room that I didn't even feel good in fucking Austin, you know. I didn't feel good at all. I was scared I was gonna drop.

Really? Because the infection was fucking weighing me down. But I'll tell you what, man, I'm ready to go. We got, we're trying to set up some dates locally in August, because it's hot. You know, who the fuck wants to travel, who the fuck wants to go here or there? But September 6th, we're in Fort Lauderdale at the Hard Rock.

We got some dates coming up. And this August, I really, really want to focus on my material. I've been home in July, but I have been putting some stuff out. And it's really weird. last week after the show. I was really high and we were all sitting here talking and I said something to Lee about his material and

He looked at me weird and I looked at him weird and I felt really bad. I want to apologize but I said it to him because From my eyes he was talking about something that was getting laughs, but it wasn't getting him, and at the end of the day, he wasn't being true to himself. I love this guy, you know, I love this guy like a fucking son, and now he's doing stand-ups, something I like, and something I know, you know?

I don't know about anything. I don't know about the idiot with the 1.2 billion. I don't know about what his girlfriend does She's just a stupid whore. Let him hug. Don't hug me. We're fucking married stand over there Finger bang me from a distance get a selfie stick. You know I'm saying do something don't fuck it out me You're both stupid. But anyway and Lee made an interesting question cuz I know a lot of stand-ups watch this and This is what I'm going through right now guys, so I don't want to hear it from none of you guys I'm not sitting here preaching that I'm the king of this shit because I'm not in fact. I look for help with this type of shit You know Lee asked a million dollar question in comedy I wonder if you could give it to people, they'd go on and make 10 million dollars and never

think back of you. Lee would never call me back from Israel. He would be by the wall putting letters, fuck Joey, bomb Cuba, shit like that. No, I'm just teasing you. The question is how to write for yourself. That's a million dollar question. If we go through my Facebook from the last 10 years, I get two of those a month. How do you write like that? How do you write like that? Okay, it took me, remember we were talking, and I said

to you, I've been doing comedy for nine years. It was the winter of 98, maybe 99, and for some reason I was doing this, I was always trying to get something going in the belly room. You know, Testicle Testament, I mean back in 99, 98, I was trying to put together Testicle Testament. When did we put it together? It must have been 2010s.

Fucking 20 years it was in the cooler, just to let you guys know how things develop. Stories from the Cuban street, which was God awful, George went to see, put those posters away, and then I did it at the comedy store but I did it in the belly room and if I got a name the top ten comedy nights of my life it was that one. It was a very cozy show. It was a couple weeks before Christmas. Marilyn Martinez was alive but more importantly Doug Stanhope's mother was alive and she had the wooden tits and the whole fucking thing.

Wooden what? She had fake tits from like 1935 or something like that. They were made of wood? They were like, you know the helmets Japanese people wear? They put skin on them. Anyway, little helmets, like if you were 16, you had one of those little Japanese hats that was 16. Anyway, so it was just one of those little Japanese heads that was 16 anyway.

So it was just one of those nights where we're in the belly room, couple guys from Houston, we had no money. That night we had no money, like they didn't pay us. In those days you had to sell 100 tickets to get a dime. If you sold 30, fuck it, we're keeping everything. It was wild. So I'm in the belly room and basically the people that came had like bottles of vodka and they were getting sodas

and this waitstaff. The waitstaff knew what was going on. These people were all, but I was talking and after like an hour and a half, Lee, I had no one else to go. And I just started telling stories. And I remember at one time I go, wow, for a standup comic that was a long time to go

without an applause or a laugh. It was like a 20 minute story I told but they didn't get up to go to the bathroom either. You know what I'm saying? Like they weren't getting up. They were on it and I was on it I know at the end of the night like I got high I ended up going to my friend's house and sleeping over there But that next morning I sat in that bed going what the fuck was that last night and it was called the freedom of

Not hearing laughter Took me nine years to get that gift. It's a gift. It's not something you could buy. You have to earn it. And your body, it's a body fucking experience, or at least that's what it was for me when you forced yourself on stage not to get a laugh. You don't give a fuck what they're thinking. You're going to tell them what's on your fucking point of mind and you're gonna roll with it and you're not gonna and you know

what nobody's gonna say no. If you go up there timid well you know I cross the street and I almost hit the cat with the car they're gonna eat you alive. Shut the fuck up you suck. But if you go up there look straight ahead and you can't see nobody anyway and you just steamroll I just steamroll for 20 minutes and then I would do it and then get laughter for 10 for the insecurity purpose But then I would go again another 10 15 minutes with another fucking story you saw in New York There was no laughter a little fucking couple laughs, but there was no laughter But all that bombing taught me That it ain't that bad down there

And ain't that bad down there. It ain't that bad down there. Now it's better, now I understand myself more. Now if I fall, fuck it. Oh my God, what a fucking gift to know that they don't need to fucking laugh constantly. You could take them for a fucking world and if you take them for like a real world like let me tell you some motherfuckers if that's how you stand up to them, they love it because nobody stands up to people like that no more and

And like what do you mean stand up to the crowd like that's what I don't really understand listen man We're as stand-up comedians We are to the crowd, like that's what I don't really understand. Listen man, we're, as stand-up comedians, we are, what's the word I'm looking for, gentlemen? I got 800 milligrams of meat, you gotta help me out today. We are working on being what? What is the square root of doing stand-up comedy? Telling jokes? To what?

Telling jokes? To make the audience laugh. At the end of the day, my job is to make the audience laugh. What if I'm a deaf mute? You ever think of that? What if I'm a deaf mute, but I will go up there and get a hammer and hit my fungi toenail for 10 minutes straight until it bleeds with commitment?

Okay? I'm not talking about, ow, that hurts. a fungi toenail for 10 minutes straight till it bleeds with commitment, okay? I'm not talking about, ow, that hurts. No, bam, bam, bam, bam. Like, just hit it for 10 minutes straight till your sweat and your toes bleeding. People gonna go, ew, whatever. You're gonna have some people with blood on their face, some fungi juice, but you committed to it.

You took them on a ride. Yeah, half of them got up and left. Fuck them. Who gives a fuck? And that's an attitude that we don't have. We, God forbid, we offend somebody. This is what you're instilling in the new comics. God forbid, we're in, what's the word I'm looking for?

God forbid we insult somebody. Listen, I'm not saying that you come to my show and I call your wife a four-eyed cunt That's not the word. That's not making people laugh. That's a real stupid insult I'm talking about insult your credibility is what you believe in Whatever the fuck I may say that the Jesus Jews are the Jews that killed Jesus Jersey Jews When I say that joke, I see a lot of people's faces tighten up from time to time.

Jersey Jews are the ones that killed Jesus. Things like that will make people, and then they're like, what the fuck, he's just goofing around. Yeah, the only people that have come up to me since Newark and sent me messages about my cat doing coke, the only people like fucking like it's such fucking bullshit and you know it but you love it you love it back to

what we're talking about Lee writing for yourself that's where that comes from when I want you to start writing psychologically, if I put you in that fucking corner over there with your nose in the fucking corner and made you tell me something in the dark funny until I pulled your fucking nose out of there, you know, and that's what it's like to bear, to go up there and go, I don't give a fuck if they laugh. Listen, when somebody pays a lot of money to come see me, I do not want you to think that's the attitude. That is the body language I perceive to you, but that's not my attitude.

I'm talking about when you're working out material. When you go to the comedy store, i.e. the Improv, i.e. the Comedy Cellar, the Broadway Comedy Club, those places to work on your material. You're not going to know the depth of your material and who you are unless you fucking put it out there, your guts. For 20 years, close friends of mine were going, Coco, talk about that on stage. You know I'm not talking about that on stage. Meanwhile I'm up there doing fucking stupid dick jokes like Rodney Dangerfield. People like me, people thought I was funny,

but they didn't take me home with them. Okay. You want them to take them home with you. And it's crazy. And I, dude, I've told you, I really, I'm really lucky to have your insights. I was never questioned it, but it is. Excuse me for a second.

I'm sorry I dropped that can in there. And it went, boom, find this. The Little Rascals fucking. Huh, no, not Weep Wile, the other one. The submarine band, little rascals. Oh my God, when this guy's head blows up, that was the point of this joke. What was it, Lee said pow or something, I don't know.

Maybe I'm hearing things. Pow? Yeah, watch, see this guy's hand do? Definitely Jewish Lee, definitely. He put, not this guy, that's Chubby, or whatever his name is. But this is classic shit, Lee. Watch this dude right here. Boom, he drops the harmonica in the water.

This is fucking, you know, these people have 10 white dudes from Yale to write this shit now. He blows the harmonica in the guy's pants. But I want Lee to see this guy. Lee, this guy, if we could ever recreate this, what's the name of it, Nick? Mike Fright International Silver. Yeah, the Mike Fright International

Silver String Submarine Band from our gang, the Little Rascals. This is one of the greatest episodes they ever made, particularly for one reason. Bah, that guy, every time his wing flies off, and every time they hit that cowbell, that motherfucker's wing flies off. This is the shit I'm trying to show America.

This is comedy, not that fucking half a fag with a mustache on Apple TV. What's his name, Max Fright, whatever that fucking half a fag with the mustache on Apple TV. What's his name, Max Fright, whatever his fucking name is. I have no idea what you're talking about. Max Fright? I don't know his fucking name. The guy from the old Saturday Night Live, Jason Seducis. Oh, that's a good show.

What's his name? Yeah, you would like it, you half a fruitcake. What's his name? Ted Lasso. Yeah, Ted fucking Lasso. That fucking move. Now what are we talking about? Before this guy blew his hat on. What do you mean who knows?

You on point. Bah! Look at watch, watch this. When they step on this bitch again, hit it! Bah, bah! And then he holds his head, because he already knows. The head dude is about to come off.

This one, who dare enter this house, and this, look right now, they're getting the party started. Like you can't put the volume on, but in real life right now, if you can listen to this, they are, bah, his hat already flew off. They're just fucking with that dude. This is, they're getting the party started. The little kid with the harmonica,

they're all little runaways like me. Look at them, a bunch of half-breed, dirty white trash. Bah, bah, now he's getting shot again, right? I don't know how he's gonna edit this in, but this is classic. He just can't play the music, just all the pow-pow's. You know what I'm saying? Right here, boom, every time he hits something,

pow, see the guy gets scared. He stopped putting the hat on. He goes, then this guy steps, he puts the bubblegum on the flute, look at him. And now that, oh, here we go, here we go, here we go. Boom, pow, right here, another one. Turn that shit off. That, now you said something that made me think about that.

I'm so happy. So yeah, no. And nobody, it's a 20 minute chunk that I'm closing with. That you're like, you gotta stop doing it. Yeah, yeah, because you don't have a kid. You've been broken up with that woman for a year now. You have a new girlfriend, and that whole part of your life is gone.

So you're just trying to sell something that's not there anymore. Unless you want, and then you're like, wow, I was doing it where Josh Wolf does his material. Well, then that means you're stepping on his fucking daddy material. Do you follow me? So either way, get rid of it. I was doing it where Josh Wolf does his material. Well then that means you're stepping on his fucking Danny material. Do you follow me? So either way, get rid of it.

You've done it for a while now. Time to just get rid of that. Shoot that poison arrow. Don't hold on to that shit. I'd rather you go up there, out frame a story, Lee. Like put a story, something that happened. I don't give a fuck about your birth. You caught your daddy jerking off,

there's gotta be something in your past that rubbed you the wrong way. Write it out and put that as fluff. When we're trying to search for material, we get the good stuff in the middle, we get the good stuff in the beginning and the good stuff at the end, but the middle we're just taking a chance

and that's what's growing. You're growing the middle to catch up with the ending or mix into the ending and to mix in with the beginning. Why are you looking at me like that? I wish I knew what you were saying. The beginning and ending is not... You have a set. It's 30 minutes.

You put together some very funny topical, not topical like it's gonna be gone next week. You put some very nice material together. And it goes around 12 minutes, so you got them going strong. Then at the 12 minute mark, something happens for about four minutes. They adjust, you know, because you've just been beating the fuck out of them for 12 good minutes.

I want you to know what 12 minutes of constant laughter is. Their hands are up. Like, they're like fucking stop. Then you take like a four fucking minute, two minute, whatever, readjusting for material, and you might pick up another three or four in there, that's good, then you might frail again for four. Look, the best people in the world do this. This is not just me telling you from this.

This is what I observed at the store all those years, and then I carried on to myself, right? You open with your second best joke, and you close with your best joke. So when you start your set, that's the fucking plan right there. So good evening ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here at the fucking garage.

Bam! Now you're hitting them. Now you got a 30 minute spot. So let's go nine minutes, a fucking constant. So now you're at the 10 minute mark. So from 10 to 14, you just frickel frackel with them a little bit. Where you from?

Where'd you get that shirt from? Whatever, you're just buying time. But I'd rather you buy time and tap into something that's you because that's what happens when you buy time sometimes. You can't keep buying time and one day it just goes, I got it now. That's why it's very important to go to, I don't want you to pay and go there. I want you to be friends with them as

they let you in and one night a week if you're not doing anything, I want you to be friends with them as they let you in and one night a week if you're not doing anything I want you to go into a comedy club that does showcases if you're a young comic That the showcases every 15 fucking minutes Okay, you know those people like the comedy store every 15 minutes. You put another comic up watch the 10 comics Stay for 10 comics. I Want you to tell me the two topics all ten comics will talk about. Those are the topics you get rid of immediately.

Don't go home and go, well my joke is that's ego. My joke is better, I can read it. Listen, it's over. What am I, a fucking punk? I need to wrestle with these fucking... That's how you put together your act. Because you want to talk about what not these stupid fucks are talking about.

And when you go to a club like that, you know, I used to go to the comedy store and I used to have to follow Paul Mooney or somebody big all fucking night long. I would go there at nine. As soon as I finished my spot, wherever it was, Mexicanville, Edwin, Felipe, Gabriel, I'd be right at that comedy store with a bottle of fucking, with a Coke with a cherry in it, with a Coke in my pocket, waiting, waiting.

It would not touch my fucking nostril. I would go in that green room and study what each comic had to say. And right before I went on stage, I would look at my note and I'd go, I had three of the same things these motherfuckers were talking about. Well guess what?

These people have been here since eight? Okay, half of them left at 10.30. But another brand came in at four at ten and they heard Forties motherfuckers the same jokes So I would have to go up there after Paul Mooney at the world famous comedy store and go whatever I was thinking of doing It's out the window It's the Super Bowl It's fought down. You know saying it's a minute left

I'm down by whatever and now now I gotta go back in there, and the defense that punk the ball fuckin' told me was completely different than what they did. They ran an audible, they called the time out to show us, then they came out with something else, and they fuckin' slanted the back, and now I'm fucked. No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

I gotta figure something out myself on the dilly dabble. And what happens when you have to think about something like that? You start talking about yourself and what you feel. And it's not, listen, when I sit here and go, okay, like tonight, we talked about that fucking idiot, 1.2 billion dollars, cheats on his wife. What made it interesting?

That I would tell you how I do it. And then at the same tip, what's wrong with it or what's right with it. You compare shit in life to what's going on with your life and people be sitting there going, I'mma forgot a point, that's just not a pussy joke. He's not licking some guy's asshole. He's not talking about a fag again. Thank God.

He's not talking about anything. and that's how you learn and sometimes you got to put yourself in those holes but once a week you got to go to a club and watch and go to yourself. Let's see what these motherfuckers are talking about. George it's like you'll sit there and go how the fuck does Joey do it? Because I sat in those rooms for 30 fucking years and I would sit there and go, how the fuck does Joey do it? Because I sat in those rooms for 30 fucking years. And I would sit there and then go, fuck it, Nick's got a great joke about that. So does George, they're fucking brilliant.

And so does Lee. You know what, I'm gonna go home and write a joke about that. And by the time I wrote my joke, guess what you guys did? You wrote another joke. Here I am telling their joke, and they're on because I'm mindful. Fuck it. Let me write something else.

So now they wrote their joke and whatever I wrote from my heart is 20 times fucking better. I'm not going to compete with these two fucking knuckleheads. All those things matter in comedy. It's not what they're talking about. And that's what happens. Like some people go to a show and somebody opens their eyes to something.

They're like, okay, I'm gonna go home and write something. Similar, but nobody will know. Yes, they are gonna know. Because I'm the same dude. I've got it at home and gone, that's a good fucking joke. That motherfucker should, how many times you sit there watching a comedy

and go, I go this way with that joke? Right. And that's a great exercise. That's a very good exercise. But then aren't you like close to ceiling? No, but I don't want you to, that's why I say, if you're gonna fight everybody who's gonna steal your joke, or your supposed joke,

it's gonna be a hard battle for you. Okay? At the end of the day, some people... Do you remember when you used to drive me to the Broadway Comedy Club and then you'd leave me there? Nah, you never took me to Broadway. Well, I swear to my mother's grave. This is when all that thievery shit left my fucking life. I still remember the fucking joke. Okay,

I was living here, I was doing comedy at that club, and the owner's name was Al Martin, or something like that. I think it was our Martin is 1993 And I went to Colorado and one day Some fucking knocks on my door with some shit And the guy came in and this guy wasn't a Jehovah Witness or An Amish he was something completely different joy, Joy. It's like a seven day advantageous, whatever the fuck those people are, right? Like one of those.

I'm not even, listen, I'm not even saying it was them, but it was some religion that was off the chart. And I remember a guy, I'm going through a divorce. You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't even be opening up the door. There's a fucking car. There's a tow truck looking for my car. I had an Acura, I had it hidden in Manny's garage.

I couldn't even drive it anywhere. I had to fucking put like a tent on at night like the Batmobile and shit. They knew every comedy club I was at. You guys wanna talk about pain? I got pain, motherfuckers. So, what was we talking about here? What we talking about George?

Something good. Come on, Lee. You're like Johnny Zombo there, goddammit. I wonder why. And what happened? So, I went up on stage that night, and I was living in Denver. I moved from New Jersey.

It was December of 93 and I go up on one of Jimmy and Baylor's shows and I was thinking about that dude that knocked on my door and said to me that he was seven day whatever, advantageous, whatever. And I'm like, I never heard that one before. And I remember I used to sell neon. And I used to carry a little notebook with me, a little yellow pad, like to put where I delivered neon. And if I had a joke, I'd write it on the pad in the car.

And I wrote, what if a guy came to your door that was nothing? Like what if a guy came to your door one day and said, hi, my name is Nick. I ain't nothing. I wanna sell you a piece of paper for a dollar, but I ain't nothing. You read it if you want, or something like that.

It was some joke, and I think I had atheist in the word. One night later, every night I used to watch the Tonight Show then. Watching the Tonight Show tonight, Al Martin, and it's the guy, and I'm like, oh shit Al, two jokes in. He goes, you ever have an atheist knock on your door? Dog, I almost fell off my fucking chair. And that's when I go, I get it, it's gonna happen.

People go, oh, well, two brilliant minds, no, no, two fucking stone minds, okay? You know what I'm saying, guys? So things are gonna happen. So if you're already in that range, why go there? Look at the shape of you. You look like the guy that shot John Lennon. You look like fucking, look, put a picture up

of Ozzy's drummer from the fucking ceremony. He looks like Lee. No, the drummer. You see, he looks like he took his shirt off at the show. Poor fucking, whatever his name is. That's who you look like right now, Lee. You're all fucked up. You gotta stop eating those edibles.

I agree. That's not him. Ozzy in London, whatever the fuck. England I agree. That's not him. Ozzy in London, whatever the fuck, England, whatever. Ozzy in England. Drummer, whatever, yeah. That's Tommy Aldridge. I wish I had that hair. No, that's not you at all, Lee.

Keep going, keep, just put up there, Ozzy Osbourne, final show. That's him, that's him you at all Lee. Keep going, keep, just put up there Ozzy Osbourne final show. That's him, that's him. That's him. But take a look at him at the final show. He took his shirt off. This poor Basley right there. That's how you're looking right now.

Throw some water in your face. He's a little skinnier than I am. Have some dignity please. Throw some water in your face, god's a little skinnier than I am. Have some dignity, please. Show some water in your face, god damn it. He has good skin. Anyway, I know you're too high and you're not gonna remember what I'm telling you. I'm good. But I appreciate this because I get to remember this shit.

This has been helping me out since you brought that up a week ago. About writing for yourself? Yeah, because, Lee, it's the toughest thing in the world. You gotta go through so much. It's like an Italian artichoke, right? You have to keep the, you have to peel that fucking skin. It's like when you smell a woman's vagina, it smells good on the top,

but then you put two finger lui in there, you start working that onion, and all of a sudden it smells a lot different because you wake that motherfucker up, you're getting into the liver and the kidneys and all that shit now Look at the And the kidney oh that's when you got everything involved a little bit of the fucking you popped the connecting wire to the asshole

Oh, at least you like get a car and it pops the steam comes out You gotta you gotta ask your father for black tape dad get the black tape I was gonna say, can you fix it? Can you reconnect it or no? No, no, they're being gone So, yeah, I'm happy that you bring these up cuz then I go home and That's what I do. This is the stupid shit that I do at night and in the morning. I get up early, Lee, and I try to,

I pee, I wash my hands, I brush my teeth, I drink my coffee, and then when everything is settled, I try to get as high as I can in the morning, because that's the highest I'm gonna be. I don't answer the phone, I don't do nothing. I sit in front of that computer, I put on fucking music, and I sit downstairs with earphones on that aren't even fucking charged.

They're those beats that are not even charged. I don't even want music in there. I want silence, I wanna hear the music through the fucking, I beats, but I put on airplane mode, and you don't hear nothing. You hear, whoosh. What's the even double-headset? What's that? I beats but I put on airplane mode and you don't hear nothing you hear What's even double heads in what's that? You put it like air pods in and then you put like a big one over just to sound no no no air I couldn't put air pods in because of the fucking boil in my ear. I got beautiful air pods

I one of them draft Kings. I got beautiful fuck in there. Like fucking, my wife in Merchant was like where'd you fucking get those? I don't know, Drap Kings. Drap Kings hooked the motherfucker up. Look at the shape of you. Oh, you're gonna need two of those $10 chocolate shakes with whipped cream and a brownie. Oh yeah, and if not, George got a nice couch for you. You can feed the pigeons in the morning.

I don't wanna feed pigeons. Yes you do, George will teach you how to feed the pigeons. You'll invite, I'll give you some edibles, you'll invite Polly over, you can feed him. You can feed him one of the edibles and George will take a picture and tomorrow, let's call Polly, tell him Lear is gonna feed him the edible of life.

I don't wanna feed anybody anything. He's like a decorated fucking Marine veteran. Polly's killed more Asian people than COVID and fucking everything. Polly's gonna walk around Cliffside naked in it, you know what I'm saying? With his fucking, Polly I gonna walk around cliff side, make dick in it. You know what I'm saying? With his fucking, Polly I want you walking around cliff side with a garbage bag, a fucking sweeper

and a big dick and like an army medal. Two, marine medal, stapled on your chest like an animal. Siempre free, you know what I'm saying? What is it? Siempre? Siempre five, free, whatever the fuck, I don't know. I didn't take French class that year. What do we got next week, Lee, beside the hospital tonight?

Look at the shape of you. Well, if I survive, I'll be at St. Mark's Common Club this Sunday at 7.30 for the competition. Okay, tell them about this competition so people show up. If you're gonna support this, if you're gonna support Lee Syed, this is the night he needs it. Sunday, what time?

The 27th at 7.30. 27th at 7.30. I will be in Bulgaria with my assistant. I'm gonna take her down there, give her a little stabbing. And you know what I'm saying? And that's how, no, I will be, I don't know where I'll be. Maybe I'll go up there and cheer you on. But if you're in Manhattan, please stop in

and cheer Leon at the, what is it? The Manhattan? The St. Mark's Comedy Club. What is it? The St. Mark's Comedy Club. St. Mark's, where's the address? It's on St. Mark's Place. St. Mark's, what's her name? It's on, it's St. Mark's Comedy Club. It's on St. Mark's Place. St. Mark's, what's her name?

It's St. Mark's Comedy Club. It's on St. Mark's Place. St. Mark's Comedy Club on St. Mark's Place, 730 show. Go out there, make Lee win this thing. Go up there and jump up and down. Lee's gonna have some new material. No baby material, we're getting rid of that, no kids. He's coming out with some new,

he's coming out with some new fire this week Fucking Jew the everything fucking cars net and yahoo's mistress. You don't give a fuck jack Anyway, I love you cocksuckers. Have a great week. I got no dates. I got nothing. I'm still recovering. I got no teeth Yeah, I don't even know why I'm ordering steak Look at this. I love you guys, happy birthday Lee. Look at, alright Lee. Cock sucker, look at the shape of you. Love you so much, I have so much cotton mouth.

You're getting chocolate on the microphone. Jesus Christ almighty. Happy birthday buddy. Happy birthday my brother. We love Lee. Alright, stay black, Have a good night. What up? Uncle Joe here. Let me talk to you about something.

If your gut gets thrown off, everything gets thrown off. Your mood, your digestion, your energy, basically your whole life. Bioma is here to fix all that. It's a blend of pre, pro, post biotics that you get your back in the zone taking those smooth tremendous shits again there's nothing like taking antibiotics pain pills and also you're backed up like a fucking piece of cheese is back there and you're pushing and put listen biome is there to take care and bring your gut back little by little whether you're looking to drop some weight or take care of that hair skin and nails or

Get your feminine health on track bioma has what you need. Listen I've just gone through hell with antibiotics and bioma has been tremendous so your gut is the foundation of overall health and vitality. If you want to be a motherfucking savage and sling dick with three hands, you better keep it in check with Bioma. Listen, what I'm going to do for you right now on a beautiful Tuesday, take 15% off your Bioma order when you press encode church at gobioma.com slash church.

Again, you're just sitting at home listening to this and I'm talking about probiotics and pressing code church at gobioma.com slash church. Again, you're just sitting at home listening to this and I'm talking about probiotics and you're like, Joey, I've been looking for a probiotic to balance me out. My hair looks terrible, my ass smells like billy goats. I don't need this shit in my life no more. Get some bioma that's 15% off with code church at getbioma.com, at GetBioma.com.

Oh, GoBioma.com slash church. Again, that's GoBioma.com slash church. Well, click in the link in the show notes and get yourself. Bioma probiotics, the goods.