Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - No more Jew noises

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about his time at UFC 302 and almost passing out, Lee annoys Joey with his restaurant choice, Joey explains the importance of having a home club as a comedian, why he plays such an active roll as a father and much more! New customers get $150 in bonus bets when you bet 5. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app today and press in code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

It's fucking June 1st to rent this do or it's June 4th So you got one more day to hide? One more day to crawl in your window I'm day But it was a good day. It's gonna be a good week. I had a nice weekend Yeah, we're always recording Recording okay, you're sitting there like a zombo to great What's the story you're sitting like fucking Swami at the carnival that you put a quarter in his head and he gives you a fortune

Like I'm gonna listen to some fucking Swami. I only feel the Chinese. You know I'm saying They have a Chinese Swami, maybe No, listen, don't even get started. It's not happening. All right. So don't even go there. Chinese people only hummus. All right. So let's know. Shit. No, there's no hummus fucking egg

fool young or nothing. They wouldn't even, that's when I draw a line. I had to have a talk with my daughter the other night, Friday night. I fucking went to a kid's party and she was sitting next to an older girl. And the girl goes to my wife. I'm trying to, you know, spoil your daughter or whatever the words. I was sitting next to a fucking up to a kid's party and she was sitting next to an older girl and the girl goes to my wife. I'm trying to, you know, spoil

your daughter or whatever the words, you know, I don't know what she used and my daughter had a couple of ranch next to her and a slice of pizza and I looked at it and I go, if you do that, there's no graduation and I'll explain to you later and she just got pale she didn't know like that I ain't doing nothing and

In the car yesterday, I just dug into her you listen You ever see what people look like I eat ranch. They don't look too healthy. Do they their ankles swell up? They got fucking orange fingers from the wings and God knows what else Because they're fucking savages those people that I was homeless and my mother died the Italians fucking Gave me a place to live now. You want to ruin that culture with ranch dressing on fucking pizza? I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it I go after my when I was homeless and my mother died the Italians fucking gave me a place to live now

You want to ruin that culture with ranch dressing on fucking pizza? I go. I will stab you 18 times You understand me no ranch table and if you got creepy friends that he ranches get up from the table Can you remind everyone how old your daughter is? I? love Rules now we don't forget the rules there's rules There's the rules keeps us From the animals if not you just become an animal so you might as well have a couple rules in your life And ranch is where you draw that line listen. I didn't have no rules in my life, but I knew I

Was never gonna eat ranch when I went out of life, but I knew I was never gonna eat ranch when I went out of fucking Jersey. I knew there was a lot of shit I wasn't gonna eat. And you saw it, I don't eat none of that garbage shit with french fries and lizard meat on it. I don't do that. I don't even want to do that. I don't want to smell it. If they sell it, I shouldn't be there. So this is what I was telling you. I have a surprise for you and Surprise I went to convey about sushi again this weekend. I bet you did For the second it was good. It comes right to you. It has like I had a robot waiter It brought me the drinks great now you now you're fucking you know are you supporting that shit? So because the momos like you

I'm gonna have to go to a restaurant and talk to some fucking metal guy pretty soon into you. Hi, how's your order? Great I need some fucking robot bringing my shrimp caught in blue. You know saying they all have iPads They have iPads you can own on. Oh Isn't that fucking interesting? Out of my face part of the restaurant Is to talk to the way to the torch room to see if he's annoying to see if he's got cancer breath You know you gotta you gotta talk to the way to see what type of atmosphere is it? What if you sit there listening to a robot you know

What's next they give you a little toy if you get like ten plates? You know what's making they give you a little toy if you get like 10 plates Yeah, you shoot up your ass to plug it from the blood and Japanese sewage. That's gonna come out of it. Can't suck it Oh Some I gotta be honest it was it was okay, but it's like one step above grocery store sushi That's pretty much what it is. This is what I'm talking about. Now you make a good living You're not missing any fucking meals Why would you do that? This is what I don't understand about the american public that they know

Walking in there to that fucking dump. I risk cancer. I risk You know fucking uh, whatever some bad fish I was worried. Yeah nice joint that's maybe got a happy hour don't eat as much like a fucking animal And I'd rather eat three pieces of sushi that are fucking fresh You could still taste the salt water on them. You can see the fingernail part of the hook is still in them That's what I want. I don't care about fucking computer. I Want those guys I'm never going fucking forward with that goofy shit You know it just eliminates the whole restaurant experience

It kind of does like what about at the airport they have like in spend, New York They have some of the like the restaurants you have to order on an iPad. I Don't go there. I Don't go to restaurants where I got to order an iPad. Let's pretend. I don't have glasses I don't go to restaurants where I got all in an iPad. Let's pretend. I don't have glasses Rather than starve that's a sign from God. I don't want to eat it. You're fucking dump. Okay, there's tons of restaurants in an airport. I mean You ever been to Paducah Airport? No, not recently. It's just a vending machine. Oh

Who even flies to Paducah? I had a connection to that once. I had a connection. Listen, 20 years on flights, you have a connection everywhere that you'll remember worse than a bombing. Because the only reason why you're there is because you bombed the night before at some hell town that you didn't belong at. Oh no. I went to another airport in Texas somewhere off a field United Airlines. No American Airlines

Ricky Rockett was with me not with me. I saw him at the airport. We flew out of Michigan and we're supposed to connect some land and go to LA. He had done some convention or something We got to the airport at fucking 5 in the morning. I saw him at the gate like 515 We were at the same gate at like fucking four in the afternoon Oh, no, and we got on the plane and we as we were flying they had like tornadoes and shit So we had to make an emergency fucking landing in Texas on an airport that had like nothing and Sit there for two hours finally. You know what they brought food The airline brought fruit, and they said we wouldn't make it home. We connected in Dallas dog. I

Had my fucking ID We're like a $50 bill Okay, the fucking American Airlines. They pulled me up through the 50. He walked me to the air He walked me to the fucking gate gate That's how tight that 50 was That's smart. Well, I come on dog money talks and bullshit walks. You want to get them clicking with your story Well, I'm connecting and at Lee. What do we do? Listen, here's a happy yard. Get me to the flight Have you ever missed a gig because of missing a flight or like a delayed flight? all the time I

Can't tell you how much I go in the night before and like at my own hotel to avoid Give me so much anxiety to fly in the day of You know man when you're a young comic you're young You know member. I'm 61 going on 22, I'm still a retard but When you're a young comic you tend to fucking Think you'll get there plop first off when you're broke comic you had a gig tonight before Right next you get to the airport at 5 in the fucking morning to make the connecting flight You know you got no money, so you got to buy a ticket that connects 18 times. I still remember being on southwest

That motherfucker stopped four times on the way to vegas. I got on the morning. I didn't get to vegas till midnight in the rain Jesus To be a starving comic no out of miami. We weren't Miami. It was Miami to Denver You know, that's what they tell you on the itinerary those days. There was no computer When I get there is like nine stops We went now Miami to New Orleans picked up the ensemble jazz fucking band Houston to pick up some fucking you know, someages, and then we went to like somewhere else And then that was delayed and then we got them I was doing something for BD

1999 in Vegas they put us no Plaza Hotel Yeah, they should have just gave me the cash. I would have got a nice intent. Oh That was also 98 I went back to the plaza in 2016 we all went mm-hmm, and it was nicer you could still smell the bodies in the sand, but it wasn't that bad You know that? Anyway, let's get this fucking party started Lisa. Yeah, what are we doing here greetings? It's Tuesday, June the fourth The check-in is brought to you by oh my god Freeze pipe the best thing you could bring out of the party

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If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking WELCOME BACK TO CHURN! Oh What I'm doing great, dude, it's silly to ask but how was your weekend I don't have to tell you I'm still recovering I'm an old goat, you know things happen That's pretty it was it was cool. like when did he find out you were going Well, here's what happened I didn't listen I don't bother Rogan it's not my style if I get a text we'll start the communication or call but I Didn't hear from him till Friday morning when he was leaving Austin. Oh shit. Okay. No, I'm stopping by either heat

I'm like, okay again. I Ran my day because I don't know when he's gonna land. I know he's got the weigh-ins I don't know if they're in New York and that he called me and he goes he was gonna do the weigh-ins Then after that he was starving. He was coming right to me How's that? That's eight o'clock? Right this dude shows up at a quarter to seven. Perfect. So I was gonna take him to a different spot,

but he suggested El Nido, him and his fucking crew. And we went in there. Now I've eaten clams. I've been eating clams since I was fucking maybe seven. My mom used to make me fucking eat clams to toughen me up when I was a kid. You know, I've had Mary way horseradish, you know spaghetti and clam sauce, right these clams I don't need a recall charred clams. Oh

Now picture five guys like me sitting at a table talking shit Before the dinner comes. I Mean we were going at it Steven Seagal, you know The whole fuck and they were talking about people next thing, you know the meal the appetizers came And every pretty much had gotten clamps. We bit into them. There was a silence over the table That's the best you went into that trance It was like the clam taste. You didn't know whether it was lobster. You didn't know what it was I'm like, what the fuck is this and then you taste the cherry pepper

I'm not like changes. I'm in my like Three of them maybe and I had to go to bathroom fucking pee like it lit me on fire Jack the flavor It was superb and I'm not one of those guys. I don't like all that cream and shit. This wasn't creamy a piece of focaccia bread Oh Usually clam person, but it sounds great. Oh my god, and the clams were fucking huge I went it looked like my nut sack the clams are you When I was eating those clams, I'm like, this is what my nuts must taste like when you skin them like if Hannibal like to have a my nutsack

That's what he'd do marinate put them on focaccio bread like a fucking animal. That's what I kept thinking these ain't clams These are some of these nuts from the fucking sanitarium And if you still ate them, they must have tasted good. Listen at that point. It's like eating Chinese food You close your eyes and pray for the best. I'm saying What else did you guys get anything good I Listen at that point. It's like eating Chinese food you close your eyes and pray for the best. I'm saying What else did you guys get anything good? I? Ate a couple of the my god. It was like lobster something it was black ink squid

Not pasta, but the cups like a ravioli. Oh nice Oh, this is Jersey bitch when you come here you better bring both guns I never saw that before I'd never seen that before in my life And while we were sitting there, I was I had spoken to Theo early in the day And he said he had a ticket for me to come with him. Oh nice Which is better cuz I don't have to ask Joe Joe asked me if I was going and I go feels got a ticket

I haven't made up my mind yet cuz I'm not driving up there. He goes steals ticket is my ticket you coming And that was it nice. I got a car. I went through the back. I had four grams of mushrooms. I had a bag of those fucking Sillies four grams of tropical blue They were delicious. I ate the whole bag before I even got in the fucking car By the time I got to Newark, I was already kind of on fire Yeah, but when I walked in it's not walking into a room with three people Into a room with 10,000 people wasn't filled up yet. My heart stopped. I'm happy. I brought my little anxiety fucking inhaler Cuz I had to stop nobody caught me with the inhale and I had to sit on my chain go. I think I made a mistake

Did you take the mushrooms as soon as you got in the car? Yeah, why not? I want to get them be on fire I'm what am I half a fucking pussy? You gotta go prepared You're walking in for newer. You better come with fucking three guns to newer That does it makes a little sense because you FaceTime me with Theo and I don't know if you remember but you guys didn't say A word both of you were just dying There was nothing to say, there was lights and disco music and fucking people dancing. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

It was superb. I hadn't been to one in a long time. You know, usually I'm pretty scared to go out at night. Nevermind go to Newark till one in the morning. That's a sure recipe to get stabbed. You have that listen. There's some things that things are gonna happen escalated sushi Newark after it's not gonna end. Well, you don't say But I was even surprised you stayed for the whole thing

Listen I ate another bag, you know of I brought loose mushrooms I was chopping on those in the bathroom Some dude gave me capsules a gram and each thing we were popping capsules in between fights It was superb Superb like Like it doesn't freak you out being in like in front of 10th. You're a TV camera in your face and you run ex-monograms when you go to an event like that unlike basketball or

Having into a boxing match in 35 years, you know I used to go to the garden and watch the janitors golden gloves on a Tuesday night Yeah, long time ago 84 83 so I'm sitting here with you and I will tell you one thing that differentiates The UFC brand okay and anything else you'll go see And I've never been to Bellator because I've always thought like I cheated on UFC because they were good to me from the beginning Joe was taking me And I'm sitting here with you and because I've always thought like I cheated on UFC because they were good to me from the beginning Joe was taking me

You know and I fell in love with the sport and I started watching it So but I go to six of games I go to Nick games I go to Philadelphia, Philadelphia Philly games They're all great events, But when you walk into a UFC, the energy sweeps under your feet, whether you're in the cheap seats or in the best seats in the house, because I was looking at the fucking middle seats and those motherfuckers were having a great time. Yeah. That's certain energy. And once you tap into that energy, whether it be with edibles or mushrooms or a hit off a vapor pen or whatever the fuck turns you on, you feel it a little extra.

You feel it. Like you feel it. Like you know that you can't go to one of those events and do cocaine You gotta be a fucking idiot You know, I'm not getting up every eight minutes and walking around with a stupid look on my face I'm not gonna do ecstasy. I'm gonna either smoke or have a couple cocktails if that's my shit They got cocktails there, you know, you drink three margaritas you get that good tequila in you You either have a mushroom that worm gets in you

young fire out of UFC dog, so For me, this is what works for me. It don't work for everybody else. I'm a fucking pathetic junkie So this doesn't work for everybody else so this an energy like I still remember taking the acid and going to see Anderson silver with Ari and Like I still remember taking acid and going to see Anderson so with Ari And had silver kick the guy in the face and like I thought he kicked me in the face You know, we looked at each other. We almost ran the fuck out of there And like he's but especially with mushrooms like mushrooms are so like positive and silly

But it but the like the people getting punched in the face doesn't like freak you out A couple times I felt the punch Sean Strickland fight definitely called whatever my man Dustin fight I felt some punches. I felt a couple leg kicks. I'll tell you that those leg kicks are fucking brutal. I I saw that Wrestle the Makal the Makalov, that's unbelievable. That wrestling, that's just, it's just unreal what it takes to be one of those people. I think that's what impressed me the most that night.

Seeing the art, I haven't really watched it in person in seven years, and you can see how much it's evolved in those seven They become way better athletes You think so? Yeah, look at the early you are sees. There was a lot of guys that were chubby You know, right? I'm just thinking because I started watching it like a little over a decade ago And but and they had but they did have like they had boy Nelson who was awesome And then but then and they yeah

They but then and now they have people who are like in their 20s who've been doing jujitsu for like a decade Now they seem like who haven't done drugs like testosterone Like okay regular guys. There was a guy that fought tremendous He looked like he just got off the fucking couch playing Nintendo whatever the fuck that is Really to get into a fistfight. I Missed the prelims, but that was that yeah prelims and then there was another guy I'll made a Brazilian that was his first fight

You knew as soon as he walked in he was killing somebody that night Really? I tried to bet him but it was 25 bucks to win six so I Because I knew This guy's finishing this guy. He's gonna jump right. There's his first fight He beat Alex Perre and a kickboxing match. Oh Okay, okay They didn't tell you that until after the fight. I guess I didn't say nothing. I just found that Friday

Is it like do you see something different live than you do on TV? Tremendous you feel it, you know a couple people hit me up on Twitter did you faint? There was a lot. Yeah, right to answer your question. I almost went down There was one part of the fight that the mushrooms me and the blood made eye contact And it was not good fellas really God Thank God I put myself in those positions to get stronger. I Looked down. I started a conversation with Tommy And then when I was ready I put myself in those positions to get stronger. I looked down, I started a conversation with Tommy.

And then when I was ready, I looked up and it was fine. And it was when he was about to choke him. OK, with his face, he ripped his nose or something. When Dustin Poirier got up, it was six ounces of blood came out of his nose. And then he went and another six ounces came out of his nose Oh, I was gonna have a fucking heart attack and for the people who hit me up on Twitter. God bless you Yes, your uncle Joey almost fainted for that fight and now scared me more than anything. That's why I just started breathing it out Because there's nothing there's nothing worse than pass not

in front of fucking 18,000 people. I can never show my face again. I gotta walk around like Michael Richards with a fucking mascot. This is the idiot that passed out at the UFC during Poirier's fight. Well, the other way, you could just play it off as Edibles. In front of Trump

so, you know, I'm getting deported like Imagine that faint in front of Trump either you ever see event. I'm getting the board Probably before that happened. I would have like jumped on somebody and grabbed them Just to tackle them and take my mind off it What when was the last time you like you passed out because you've been working on this since I've known you I passed out to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. And when they threw the towel down it landed by the cage and it splattered the blood and I fucking went right down And that's when I land on the two chicks fake titties fucking oh, yeah, and then

Another time I was home this time Thank God And I fucking fainted watching BJ pan like 1130 at night like one of those late fights free I had And I put it on I woke up It was like fucking a Christian show was on and I was on the couch My shirt was still wet, you know from fucking getting drenched in sweat. I must have passed That's awesome that you're able to fight it though I Forced myself oh today I had my wife give me a shot the knee

mmm of a peptide He showed me I could fill up the syringe listen But taste of God gave me a certain gift With all that blood shit needles Because I would had now I love heroin and let zeppelin and all that stuff Yeah, you're right. Oh jeez on heroin and getting VD That's when you want to go at 37. Those guys didn't die mysteriously It had just been too much too quick. You know I'm saying so

But thank God because I don't yeah, I was gonna say It took me, you know 56 years to accept the needle Maybe 50 years to accept the needle. It took me another five to like, you know go I'm good But I don't trust myself. I feel one coming If all you feel are fainting Yeah, because the last time I went down and I didn't go down. I'm lying to you guys. I did PRP on my left knee And what the motherfucker didn't tell me was that they took six nights of blood out

Yeah, that seems like a lot and but oh It's a lot for uncle Joey, I'm a chubby dude, I got a lot of blood in me, but I'm not looking to give it away Okay, I work hard for this blood. I got a bunch of shit in this blood. I Went to the PRP thing and by the time they took it out guys. I Was almost there. Thank God. I a can of Coke, not Coke Zero. No, you need the sugar? Yeah, right away. With some ice on my neck,

maybe an ice on my forehead. I only passed out once. It's scary when it happens. So, the other day I went, the doctor showed me how to do it in my knee there. Oh yeah. So, I how to do it in my knee there. Oh, yeah So I didn't do it yesterday and I went to the gym today. I went to jujitsu And on the way home, I asked my wife

And I pinched my knee, you know, you got to pinch the skin So the pain and you shoot it in A couple weeks ago. I went to my place and I was The red light sauna wasn't working and they asked you know we're sorry for you to come here and we'll offer you a vitamin shot and a D shot whatever the old Joey Diaz would have said nah I said you know what let's check it out good for you and I went in there she rolled up my sleeve and she touched the back of my chubby little arm and

Next thing you know, it was out but I remember standing and Looking at the mirror for a second and going oh, I'm about to go down And then I looked straight ahead and I was fine. Oh See you didn't know Okay. Yeah, that's awesome. They's awesome. I hate I still hate needles Last week don't worry about needles these are young I want to hear about my fucking needle problems You know saying I had some like I had really an interesting show

There's like a bar show and selfie and like the bottom of an italian restaurant and it's really cool It's called capo and I did fine um It's like a it's funny It's a very a little later than it was when it was cold and they were like hard to pick up But it was cool to like see what worked and what didn't I had a show canceled on thursday But then I got really lucky. I got to open Jesus trejo alaaf Boston on Friday for two Sightful is this one was not just the plan a month ago when you and I spoke

Yeah, I mean and it was awesome cuz I've been trying to get into that club for two years a collect what You see brother how it works out for people and tell them this tell them the real gizzard of the story the real Oh the well, there's a few gizzards The one gizzard is and it was that I've got really Tight with the Booker and then it was his last day as the Booker there. We called John his last day at work Oh, yeah. Yeah, he called. He texted me a couple days before to say hey This is happening. Then the day like his last day. He texted me at 8 in the to say hey, this is happening then the day like his last day He texted me at 8 in the morning. So I got really lucky. Oh you put it on Twitter

I had a couple things to do but I called you when I was out and When you answer I said the universe took care of you that I'm not Yeah, this is your right thing up in Connecticut when you close down the bagel shop For a hundred years in Connecticut when you close down the bagel shop. The brewery. It was bigger. It was there for 100 years. And then the brewery's gone now or it just closed, like the comedy closed? No, the whole brewery's gone. The whole thing shut down. So how bad you felt that day, the universe felt it, then we teased you, and then you

got a good one on your own. Nobody called for you? Yeah, no fucking put a word in and that's the way to do it Lee. That's what? These people on the sand now you got a club and now you work yourself up the ranks I'm I hope so I got knows who goes through there on Thursday night on a Wednesday before Thanksgiving Everybody else is out drinking. You're available the night before Thanksgiving, two shows. It could be anybody.

Yeah. So do you see, you stay home. That shit of flying and taking a chance and breaking even, not right now. Not right now. That's the way to do it. Build that fountain so when you do go out to the Seattle comedy competition in two years You come from Boston you have a home

Okay You were tracking oh mad and comedy that That works for a while, but I you know I could steal on my own for a while, but eventually I gotta help I gotta find out If I want to stay active, you know I'm but eventually I got to help I got to find out If I want to stay active, you know, I'm saying it's the same thing. You gotta fucking join up with somebody You got and the comedy you got to find the home club You know when Austin and I see these young guys Brian and Derek and fucking Assad You could see the happiness in their soul they found the home club

What does that mean? You're gonna bomb there? You're gonna get a standing ovation there. You're gonna get booed there You're gonna get into a fight there. Somebody's gonna hit you with a bottle But the last three years that you're there you're gonna own that joint You're gonna know what jokes to say what bounces off the wall correctly You know, you're gonna know all these things and That's what people understand. I wasn't good in the original room. I just knew the secrets I mixed it in with the piano player

Right what Jeff I just knew the secrets. I mixed it in with the piano player Right with Jeff With Jeff god rest his soul. I knew I Knew the clientele already. I knew this side of the room. I was watching for the last two hours I've been watching them from the back You know and then over the years it got more and more packed So you stand by the box and sit there stand and you had a duck because there were people standing And you know who's standing on the back with tom cruise and travolta

About the fuck and drink the juice of death, you know, you know, so you always couldn't do it at the end Right, having a home club is a young comic and guess what guys? That club you really want to perform that they might not like you Yeah So if you're in mass and they don't like you now you try to get into Providence And I guess I went into the great club. Yeah. Yeah, and that's your home club And then when you start rocking and rolling up there All of a sudden Boston to go Lee where you've been we got a feature spot for you and you're like look at these motherfuckers But you didn't give up you didn't move fuck them. I'm never gonna work in but now

You're gonna have fucking horrible shows in Boston and guess what? you're gonna go into one of those two clubs I mean, what do you have in Boston right now? As well. Yeah The big one is Laf Boston. They also have they have a bunch of they have off-cabot up in north the north shore They have Knicks They also have Like outskirts, they have Providence. They have a couple club and Like outskirts like they have Providence they have a couple club And a Foxboro and then Providence has a club

Hartford has a club. There's a club in New and New Hampshire. There's a couple clubs in New Hampshire There's a good amount in this area You know You counted off nine clubs The percentages are two of them are gonna like you Mm-hmm, well at Boston and maybe eagle-eyed Comedy Club in the basement of a sushi restaurant, you know And I'm saying I'm fucking they'll send you down sushi down the stairs on roller skates or whatever Cuz I was so

That was when we were asking when I was asking about the plane I was thinking about my drive down there on Friday night I leave early I'm always early and it took there was so much traffic that I literally had Zero miles left in my car. I didn't have time to stop for gas and I Made it luckily. I made it to the Parking garage and I just had a prayer for leaving luckily. I made it by the skin of my teeth But I was so nervous because I was like I was freaking out

I was gonna run a gas or not make the show the first fucking time I left an hour and a half early that should take an hour but and then It was funny like I just didn't do well the first fucking time I left an hour and a half early that should take an hour but and then It was funny like I just didn't do all the first show. I didn't do terrible wasn't Connecticut, but it wasn't great How early did you get that? I? Got there ten minutes before the show started the traffic. We don't look at the room You didn't look you didn't breathe the air you everyone settle. Let me tell you something and I'm telling all this to young comedians Right now and don't tell me Joey. You don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do because I've done it If you give me a week to think of the stories, I know one off the top my head

When you're headed to a gig and you have car problems Like the fucking fag in the sopranos veto. You hit a tree, you pull that car over, you take what you need out of there and you pray for them. I don't care if you show up at the fucking gig with a ping pong table that belongs to your daughter for Christmas. You know, you just that's it. You got to get to the gig.

Mm hmm. If it's your car, your mother's car. Ma, I got to tell you a long story. That's when you start talking's it. You got to get to the gig Mm-hmm. If it's your car your mother's car ma. I gotta tell you a long story That's when you start talking about you went Quincy and the Irish mob took your car and you know You know, I mean that's it. Yeah, you just need it. I Remember one time I left a brand new fucking car on the side of the road and just went home Well another time for a dealers, I left another car. That's the time it came on fire from Wyoming or one of those states. It was like a two hour drive home in the winter. In the middle of the night, I took the fuck.

I did like two shows for wild built. No, not while bill Bauer, Bill Bauer. And he had rooms in Wyoming, you know, up, uh, with Greeley. He had a bunch of rooms towards up there. And one night I took a white car. I told you that motherfucking car lit on fire. I didn't think twice. Bitch, I took it out of there and I saw it.

I took it. Thank God I had a flare in that bitch. I took that out. I was out there like frosty the snowman on Christmas finally three guys in the truck picked me up They took me right to my fucking door. I Didn't think I'm gonna get all your stuff out. Not all my stuff I had like I was or it was a car dealerships car. It was a used car. Okay, God see nothing in it They called me Monday. What happened? I don't know. just hung up on them the other car the brand new Chrysler. It was their answer for the eclipse Something okay. First of all, I didn't even I had to sleep on the side of the road that night the car wouldn't drive

So from my know in the morning to like seven. I just kept the heat on till that fucking car died. And once the sunlight came out, that's Colorado. I just put a sign on it, fucking return to sender. Some little pigeon dude came by, do you need a ride? No, I'm standing here to get a suntan. Yeah, I need a fucking ride. Fuck, I couldn't, I would freak out. And you didn't have cell phones all the time. So like what happened when you showed up to a gig That was 93

The cell phone was like the size of a bulletproof vest. What? So what would look at the club owner say when you showed up to the gig finally? No, I had left the gig that night Okay, but i'm all those gigs. But by the way, all those rides, I lied. They were on the way home from the comedy gig, but same difference. I got shit to do and people to see. If you think I'm gonna wait there for AAA, forget it.

I don't know what happened. I was home sleeping and all of a sudden I got up, my car was missing. You're the cop he asked me questions for. How did I get to the front gate. How did they get the fucking, how did they get three hours away? I don't know. The guy was headed to Canada and he just changed his mind. I don't fuck it, no. How did you convince people to let you hitchhike?

It's Colorado. They're very, listen, man, people are nice in some parts of this country. They're not all fucking dirty rat bastards like Jersey, Boston, New York City You know somebody sees you hitchhiking in Jersey if it's no get hit by a car in Jersey There's something like the highway. You're like help me help me Shit boom. There you go You're on the turn dear. You didn't even pay a toll motherfucker Jesus Christ Around here tonight, I wouldn't take a ride from anybody here at night. You're fucking crazy. Oh

Dude that and this is only gonna be for Jersey people but that route 9 is the worst fucking street in the goddamn country Don't forget about this. So I'm cooking on those mushrooms. I give Theo a hug Rogan. I get in the goddamn country. Oh, no, no, no, don't forget about this. So I'm cooking on those mushrooms I give Theo a hug Rogan I get in the car. I'm watching TV in the car like a doctor. I got my feet up Oh nice, sweatshirt up. I'm fucking just and also in the light to hit me from the highway. I'm tripping I'm seeing shit Soon as I get off the fucking whatever to hit the 9 South by the strip club and all that you see like naked pussy that sign they got out there and You get out there and I start going down and now I pop my head up to see where I am at Okay, Lee. I'm cooking on the mushrooms now. This could only happen uncle Joey

About two minutes later. I look up and I'm watching the fucking TV I don't even know what I'm watching. It was something on there And I see red lights And I mean when I do one red light I see Thousands of them late. It's like why oh shit and I'm like, oh my god Because I got my passport back and they told me no So I I'm like they're gonna pick me up any fucking hour now and when the mushrooms hit me That went into my mind and I was at the UFC that the cops come to get me. I got Trump right there. He's a felon

Everybody gotta go Hey, listen, I'll run right over and take a picture with him The cops would be at my door three days from now charging me with my family's crimes. Are you kidding me? Oh You take a picture. I gotta analyze that to the end. They're just looking for an excuse Next thing, you know, you're charged and a mastermind laughing it into my lungs it's silent that's a protein shake for blueberries that wasn't silent no it was silent but it didn't smell I'm saying Homeless guy with a car it don't sound that is And now let me take a five-minute break in

Talk to you guys about draft Kings. I'll be back. It's Tuesday The check in is brought to you by come on uncle Joey's favorite draft Kings. Listen Checking is brought to you by come on uncle Joey's favorite draft Kings. Listen Kids were close to crowning a new NBA champ The party starts on Thursday with the action heating up on the courts things are even hotter over at draft Kings sportsbook Unofficial sports betting partner of the NBA. Are you new to draft Kings? Listen, this is an exciting time of the year whether they play four games or seven This is gonna go down to the wire. So do yourself a favor Download the DraftKings sportsbook app now use code Joey. It's that easy J-o-e-y that's code Joey for new customers to get

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Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance see dkng.co slash b ball for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources. We're back bitches. MBA finals start this week Boston. Dallas Dallas. It's tremendous, tremendous tickets for Thursday night 800

If you buy me the ticket, I'll go with you and crack jokes and fucking do zooms and fucking Will fucking insult other people the better the ticket the funnier I am You know saying if you buy me four tickets for Boston forget about it I'll even go home and whack off on your wife's forehead. I don't give a fuck Jack You got a grandmother sugar down, too Is there a go fund me for this or where do we do this? I'm gonna go fund me just If the Boston Garden got tickets, you know, I want to take the king of Boston least I had the Jewish mom I Would love to go I looked I was gonna ask you like

Gotta sit next to the jazz and he got a translate. Oh, I get a very top The very top 800 that's why I'm putting it out there. You know anybody at the Boston Garden I'd love to go up there and see the Irish little fucking leprechaun. I haven't been up there in close to 20 something years Should be a homecoming. So if anybody got floor seats in Boston hit me up forget about it. We'll bring everything up there mushrooms Metal and the new pills happy pills. I'll bring fucking a peptide. You can shoot it in your knees Whatever you need, you know I'm saying That's quite an offer. Yeah, you might be the first people to pass out on this out of the finals again Who's better than you

Who cares who loses Lisa and uncle Joey did it again? Oh my god No, I don't think so that'd be fun I never went to like a World Series or Super Bowl or anything that'd be fun so with a finger up your ass while she's holding an umbrella over you that's fun too but yeah to be honest I don't know if the finger on the S in the umbrella sounds as fun that sounds kind of why she holding an umbrella well for the small five She'll put the umbrella up your ass and a finger above your head. How's that? Bring the umbrella up your ass That's called the fuck. I don't even know what they call it over here Mary Poppins, that's that's called the Mary Poppins. They put up on umbrella up your ass. They spin it around

Whatever you want them to speak English. I don't know. Like not English English, like, you know, chap chap, tell you all that shit. Oh, you want them to be like English, like British accents. Not me, do I look like I like British people? I'm just telling you that fucking, you know. Okay, you've heard about it. You've heard about the Mary Poppins.

Yeah, I heard about them, you know, when I was a kid in Chinatown if you don't like the Ben wall balls they do that what kind of umbrella is it is like the long pointy one of the one like pops open matter it depends on your asshole I mean look if it's you I'm gonna put a big umbrella in there I mean if I oh if it's like somebody I know I'll put like a little you know I put like a little You know when you got a little Chinese drink they give you that umbrella Why can't I get that one? Because you're a half a fruitcake. I don't fucking know Lee. Why you always put these difficult situations where I gotta be honest with you

Jesus now sitting on a guy's lap doesn't seem so bad. No, so what do you got this week for comedy? I want to hear this comedy shit. I got three All right. What do you got? on the fifth I'm at the Buren in Davis Square at 10 p.m. On the sixth I'm back at in Westfield at the shortstop bar and grill. I got moved from last week Thursday night 8 p.m. And then Saturday. I'm at McHugh's Comedy Club in Portsmouth, New Hampshire Look at you

You're on the way. You know I'm saying it's not like I saw some guy that day He's playing the fucking Polish American Legion, you know, he's following a parochied contest And he wants you to pay 35 bucks for a ticket. Are you fucking crazy? Oh Jesus What you doing those things then it's time to get on the ship or jump off the ship Get on and then jump off I've never get on through your set and go Bombay the the the the

the the the the the the the the No, I'm out of my mind I Met with a friend of mine He's a friend of a friend's and He wanted to turn me on to some of his product, right? Okay, like to drop some off on you

So I met him a bagel boy You know me. I'm a gentleman 10 a.m He gave me this fucking indica to win he gave me Four different brands, but he goes these two are fucking you know, I Brought one home. I put it outside for a second in the Sun just so the crystals could hit it It can metabolize a little bit. I left it there for about two hours. I Waited till my wife left and I brought it in grinded it up in the grinder that retains the fucking The shake not the shit that separates it. Oh

On the actual flower. Okay. Yeah, I fucking cleaned out the bong I clean out the bong twice a day But for this weed I really wanted to clean it out to get the full essence with the freeze pipe You know I'm saying I go for a ride. I got to get something like a smoothie or something. You know, I'm pretty fucking high I mean, I'm not real pretty high. I'm really fucking high I'm pretty high I'm pretty high I'm pretty high I'm pretty high

I'm pretty high I'm pretty high I'm pretty high I'm pretty high I'm pretty fucking high I mean, I'm not real pretty high. I'm really fucking high. I haven't smoked, you know, I've been smoking the same family weed So eventually your tolerance to that weed Whether it's rhythm whether it's grassroots, which I love both of them

But I always get those too they're still in the same family this is something completely differently I got so fucking high wow I went for a ride and I looked to see what was on apple music I think I was putting in Judas Priest and I put it I put in je I couldn't see him glasses And the jerky boys came up Hysterical I put the first album up and I can't lie to you or anybody else First time I heard the jerk jerky boys was 1993. I was working at a Chrysler Plymouth place The place where I took the car from and it blew up to a conveyor belt or whatever the fuck was on

okay, and Are we talking about the jerky boys the church and I remember one of the managers had it on and I remember going in and just dying and just playing it going to the fucking Dang, I think I bought the CD maybe is that the way you pick my dog No, this is the one with the Japanese sushi chef hunger Then he calls another guy that he's a model with a gay voice and he tells him that he's gonna pull furniture out of his ass And it is fucking funny, man. Oh He's a model with a gay voice and he tells him that he's gonna pull furniture out of his ass and It is fucking funny, man

Oh, yeah laugh at that shit when you're 18 again I'm 61 and i'm like 19 and so Guys, I was me and my neighbor Were outside listening to this from my car And I was like, I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this.

I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this.

I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this.

I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. Like even guys like me at the age of 30 were like that is fun.

This guy is fucking hysterical. I remember them when when like Napster and like LimeWire, when you could download like pirated music for the first time, like I found them on there and like they were. Some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard, like I like that. You can't you kick my dog with something like we would say like to each other in class Like it was it was and I don't know how old it was but it was still fucking talked about You know, it's so hard. It's so weird now. I loved so many things. But when I got into comedy, I got so consumed

By comedy that they went away without me even realizing. The only thing that didn't go away was my fungi toenail and the fucking my cocaine problem. Everything else, like entertainment, went away. Like once I really got into stand up 95, like that's when like I was like, I think about that period in my life because you're almost going through that. You're almost there. Like at that time when you're really on the bus now, you know, you're about to get a call any day you find what a company went kaput or fucking Amazon bought them.

Hopefully they'll give you a little fucking severance package. And then you're forced to do something at that point What are you gonna do get another job? Play the drums. You're gonna go fuck it. I'm gonna try my best to give me money anyway This is the chance to shit, you know and it was just such a fun time for me because I Wasn't thinking about anything late. I wasn't thinking about a podcast. I wasn't thinking about a podcast. I wasn't thinking about headshots. I wasn't thinking about an agent. I was just thinking about getting funny

and being a comic. And I still remember that. And I think that's why I like this shit. Just writing stupid jokes down, getting on stage. For me, that's what I could do right now. I get off those every fucking day to do a room. I'm just not interested. I like doing 20-25 minutes getting the fuck out of there. I don't have the commitment in me to write a fucking hour for it to mesh, for me to do callbacks and shit. I got too much going on. Right, and you're kind of like not starting from scratch do you ever see the Adam Sandlin movie but I think was Billy Madison like where he did each grade in a couple weeks yeah it's kind of that's how I met like I'm seeing it

like you did a few open mics now you're doing 20s and who's you might not go up into an hour but that's what it seems like is that you're you're rebuilding each phase my goal is every time I go to the Starship. I do a new 15 minutes Or I pull a Janet Jackson when I get there the first night. I keep three and a half minutes to get me going Okay, say something new To get the crowd. That's my goal right now, but they don't seem mothership at the mothership. They don't seem to do all material Like really really like I did something old when I was there last time, but I mixed it into something new Okay, you know

So it made the joke a little better. I made a little smoother. They loved it. That's awesome. And no I'm I'm just happy and seems like it seems like you're happier like you sounded even though you were tired on Sunday You sounded like you had a good time at the UFC Guys You know, you know more this than anybody when we were going hard in 2018. We were going Lee Lee you were working Ten hours a week, but you were working 10 hours a week, but you were working 90 hours a week.

Your central nervous system was going, you're fucking, you know, and that was both of us, Lee. So I've always felt that, you know what, Lee, you were always chasing something. I don't know what I was chasing at that time. I was chasing a good time. I was chasing, not thinking about what was going on. I Didn't want to think about when this was gonna end or how long just have a good time

If it means okay, and eating 2,000 milligrams a day You know, but at the same time my anxiety was getting out of control Because I had this running anger under me that no matter what I did, I'd always be a standup comic on the road. And at 55, 56, that's not a great future. I didn't wanna do it. I don't have tax problems. I don't want to do it. I don't have tax problems. I

Don't need to write so You know, I got old but I was caught in a cycle and Now I look at it and I just want to be happy. I don't want to be angry around the girls Mm-hmm. I don't want to have to do some I regret. I don't know what's gonna happen here I'm they're at a fucking concert time in Philadelphia. I Don't know what's gonna happen here You know people reach out to me. Can you do my podcast? We'll zoom in no I Can't Lee it's not a funny thing I can't

Mondays I do this with you cuz I know she's got softball I can't Mondays I do this with you cuz I know she's got softball There's cheeseburger night her and her girlfriends go with my wife to fucking Austria I get him out of here for an hour two hours I can't kick her out of here at three o'clock when you want to do your fucking stupid podcast Oh, that's true, too. Yeah, she rings the doorbell and you know most days I'm outside with her Right like I wait by the bus and we walk and talk and shit But after that, I don't know who's coming over here

Really? They're just running around From 315 To the time we settle for a practice or this is a zoo over here The neighbors knocked on the door. What are you guys going here? Did you hear about this? The kids knocked on the door? When she comes home, she'll go what's his name's parents are dropping off there in ten minutes. Are you gonna be dead? No, I'm leaving you here by yourself. Hey, I'm gonna be here I got two little girls in the living room doing homework watching fucking anime on my TV I gotta go up there and watch them

I can't be down here doing your fucking podcast because you want to talk about nothing You know what one day when I'm in your town or something I got time I love to come to the studio and sit with you. I've done two podcasts lately. I did CEOs with him, right? And I do Rogans you think I do that because I'm an idiot? No, because that's what I could do. I don't have time to go into the city to do your 11 a.m. podcast. I don't have it.

That's an hour and a half up. By the time your co-host gets there and everything, that's two hours And now I'm starving in a city that you know I gotta get back the Lincoln Tunnels hell the Holland Tunnels hell and then never mind knows I gotta run into Hudson fucking County and Route three no no I don't get home till 4 4 30 no No I don't get home till 4 4 30. No No

Kind of like the rules you were talking about for yourself earlier It sounds like the what I do how you at the beginning you were talking about like having certain rules for yourself I had to I was offering my podcast up and in the middle of the podcast I'd have to get up to let one of the neighbors kids it Right, you know this happened. I had a castle on sickler I'd be doing the sickle podcast every week if I was going to do a podcast. Don't you think? Right. I haven't done it in two years. Why because we can never get the same timing. Thank God He's got a daughter and I got a daughter. We both understand each other one day when I go down

I'll do ten chapters with him. We'll just keep smoking dope and talking and giggling But for me to do a zoom it's not worth it Right. Yeah Worth it And then is it more fun like when you got to go and you're there with them is it more fun than doing it on The zoom you and I both know I mean we try our hardest with this to translate what we're feeling we do edibles Come on Anytime you got a live person that means anything can happen

You can get dangerous in that room, and that's what I want to see when I watch a podcast I Want to see a guy get dangerous in there. I want them to open up. I Want to smoke dope? I don't give a fuck if he's on a sitcom. I Want you to be free Right. Only way you could do that is in real person with people If you're gonna interview somebody What three guys that are doing an MMA show or show on ballet? I don't give a fuck I'd rather do it with somebody in the room for me. You'd have to have the studio like we had in North Hollywood

Yeah, I have to be able to zip out a after dinner at 630 and Guess what? There'd be no fucking 1130 us in an office Talking about how we're gonna fucking do it, but you know that would never happen And have to get back in the car and come home Wow, yeah No, you how many days a week are you with her after school? I realized every day come on guy every fucking day I'm doing something. I'm getting involved. She even told me tonight. She was dead. Thank you for the tickets Thank you for going out of your way. You know

This is what we do. I'm not going to do that. If comedy is your wife, dog. Okay. You want to do comedy, you want to be successful at it, guess what? As sad as I got to tell you this, you got to really commit to this. In fact, when you have a child, you feel a little unbalanced for a while I heard Chris to Stefano Cried on a podcast because he does facetimes with his daughter Yeah, it gets in that's not what you signed up for but when you join the mob What happens when you're single you'll stab anybody in the neck? Right when I'm single. I don't give a fuck Jack and also you meet a girl you have a baby

Now they call you to go stab somebody now. You got to sit with your two kids Say prayers at the dinner table knowing I Gotta go fuck and stab Maury in the neck ten times and bury him chop him up and bury him You know, it just doesn't some way your core gets And I never thought I'd say this to anybody somewhere your core gets. I never thought I'd say this to anybody. Joe has winded down, he's home every weekend.

There comes a point where you see that the kid, for me, it was when Mercy was seven. I could see she- She'd get upset with you? At that time, she was upset with her classroom. She was upset with the pandemic, the kids in her class, it wasn't what she expected.

She didn't like a teacher in the second grade. Kindergarten, first grade with fucking paradises. It's really weird how your life changes when you pick comedy as, it's tough to be a fucking assassin on stage. It's really weird how your life changes when you pick comedy as you know It's tough to be a fucking assassin on stage When I'm talking to her about some girl band You know I think it informs like a different part like I know you said you don't want to really do jokes about having mercy but Like I'm just I'm like playing devil's advocate. You don't think like this I got 30% of people that'll come to my show though

Giggle and like it's like me going up there and thanking the troops Got a lot is you know, but they want to hear other shit. They want to hear something else and right now I'm not even writing that type of shit Okay It not coming out of me that way you know so it's kind of weird how you go in levels and right now at this time in my life I fucking love this right now like I'm thinking about the summer we just got invited one of the girls from the softball team invited down to Delaware for a week. So I get my brother for three fucking four days He lives half hour from where we're going this i've been dreaming of going down there to spend time with him

You know, he's my brother that lost his wife Yeah, uh mike Yeah, I sat with him at mercy's. Um, yeah down there eat eat good food smoke dope watch TV break his balls Gamble take him back to where we were we were growing up. That's what I'm doing. I got another week We got like two softball tournaments nice Next week we got no baseball It's like there's nothing but I asked to tell you I know what we got Saturday Sunday

She just started spitting shit out My radio plan. Oh, yeah, there's a pool party of four then she's going somewhere else and she's got to sleep over Saturday Sunday she's got something at 1130 Something else it to you know, this is it's fucking Monday It's Monday Sunday she's got something at 1130 Something else it to you know, this is it's fucking Monday It's Monday And I know Thursday now I got to do some I got away from my wife because I got to find out what time The concert is on Thursday It's got a concert Thursday morning because this is why she was only little concert Wednesday night at the garden

Because this is why she was only little concert Wednesday night at the garden Okay, it's recital Thursday morning at school. I got to find out if she's gonna be there fucking Thursday I'm gonna have to switch my jujitsu data switch brace my heart. I like the blue belt class Or no class tomorrow Is there a reason I mean do you really I don't think that most parents are as involved as you are Like do you is that was that a choice? Yes, because the first time I had the opportunity I Thought that a man made money that's what was a man. I didn't know that

You know, I thought that men just walked in at the kids had made their wife a kiss a dinner and left You know, I wasn't like I was leaving to go to a strip club. I Was leaving to work and those days I used to leave at six and get home at six and then Shortly after that I got a job at a comedy club at night. I was working a full fucking day, you know Then I got divorced and I lost the marriage and I lost everything And I went down that list And now I get the second chance so it's like somebody was asking me today to do something like Yeah, that's not gonna happen

It's not gonna ever happen because I got too many things in the afternoon Not big things are things and they might be little but they're big to me Yeah, me being here at 315 every day Means the world to me. What about it? When kids come home at three 15, I know about listen, I know what I did at three 15. You know, and I started going home at three 15 when I was in the sixth grade She's going into the sixth grade next year

What would you have done in 315? I go home throw my books down fucking get something to eat I do my homework in those days You know, but if I was curious about something, I would go look at places why I shouldn't look. Oh Yeah All over the house like to look for money or what were you doing? I was torturing my stepdad looking for hiding in the house because I hadn't been there I would only live there on the weekends in the summers So I really had to take a look of the assessment, you know at that time I built a phony garage gym in my garage

I took the sliding doors And I take them off the hook and I lay them on two chairs and I fucking lip bench press like an idiot And then I would have to set it up before my mom got home because they didn't know I was lifting weights Oh, you put it back on the on the closet or whatever Yeah, to put it right back up put the chairs away how they were when she left You know, so I come home and do things that and then Yeah, the sixth grade I started bringing a girl home And I knew that they would come home at 530 so I would kick the girl out I would walk home at 445

Her mom would come home at 530 so I would kick the girl out. I would walk home at 445 Her mom would get home at 5 Yeah, everyone and I don't think you're worried about that specifically with mercy, but it's like a good that you're there But I also remember something else from my childhood guys, and I'll tell you what it is There was a lady on my blog Kids name was Janine. She had a sister, Grace, I think.

Very cute girls. But the mother was a chunky Italian chick. Okay. I forget her name. God bless her. If she's dead or she's alive. Let me tell you what I learned from her. Yes.

That when her two girls came home with the neighbor and me and Dominic and Valentine, she always had cookies for us two days a week. And I always remember, I would go, I wish my mom did that. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Like step outside with cookies twice a week fresh-made She would make chocolate chip cookies and bring a cup of milk for you

that's when I got in trouble when I was a kid when I took one of her cookies and She asked me how it was and I go pretty good My mom called me over smacked me and said go back and tell it was the best fucking cookie She you ever had because she worked hard all afternoon making that cookie you sack of shit My mother smacked me because I took one of her cookies But it was pretty good. I always remembered that feeling that that mom gave me and then as I got older Anthony Balsano's mom would make fucking cream puffs whoo And that's really nice Mousano's mom would make fucking cream puffs. Oh

And that's really nice Dog given that terrorist you made it right you were there and Carmine's house was 80 yards away I'm sorry, right and I'd be ten steps up the hill and Anthony would run back and go Coco Coco Come back. My mom made cream puffs She would wait in front of the house with the tray of cream puffs And I'd run down a corner and I just sit there He'd go in get me fucking chocolate milk and I sit on his fucking stoop with six of the other neighborhood kids Eat her fucking cream puffs

Yeah, no one does it and I felt great You know one does it and I felt great How many parents like on your block are there like is there usually a parent home on my block yeah The Russians very nice people their daughters very sweet the husband's great We get two kids that get off the block and you know middle school where my daughter's out whatever the fuck they call it Right another bus that comes after that and those kids just get out there and walk Now I don't mind the walk That's not what I said. I said being home

When they walk through the door, how was your day? Let me look at you Make sure you didn't get beat up at school. You're sure they ripped You don't have a tattoo of fucking Hitler on your forehead. You know you got to check your kids out Don't come to me and go I Never saw it coming. He shot 12 kids at the school well He shaved his head I Didn't notice that because you're too busy talking about yoga and Trump and whatever the fuck else is gonna happen. You don't say I

Love it, dude. I like so I'd love coming down and seeing all of you guys. Yeah, and you see how I do it now I mean, I don't need the aggravation listen. I just don't before I get to your podcast studio and you tell me a story and then The co-host got stuck in traffic and that's another hour out of my day. Let's just stay friends and Someday when I cuz I'm planning on just staying in the city for like three days Okay. Yeah Something and I'm gonna go to a hotel and so they always send me discounts and shit Take three days there a breakfast walk around do people's podcasts catch up So I want to do that, but I'm not commuting every day

That's not gonna happen Now you're most do it once that's three hours for a two-hour investment. I'm not pushing dates They're gonna ask me about prison They're gonna ask me about Joe Rogan, You know, we already discussed all this shit. Go to podcast 109. But anyway, my brother, have a great week. Love you, buddy. I love you.

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