Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - None of that billy goat stuff

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

This week on The Check In Lee Syatt tells Joey Diaz about the woman who fell out of her chair at his show, Joey keeps it real with nurses, and crying after bad sets. Support the show and try BlueChew for free. Use promo code DIAZ at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers get $200 in bonus bets when they bet $5!  Support the show and get 10% off your Freeze Pipe order with code DIAZ at https://www.thefreezepipe.com

Jesus Christ Almighty, what the fuck is that? What's what? Not good I'm back jacks. I'm gonna die wanted to like a fucking you know, oh, did you? Yeah, it was good How many how many my handful did he read tonight? No handfuls no nothing. Okay, in break for like two weeks now, I'm off the troops. Oh, okay, I didn't know that.

I'm waiting for you to get back, baby boy. I'm here right now. All right, well you don't want me to show up tonight to the fourth floor with what I got, because you won't make it out to the end of Russia, Shanniski, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Can you imagine going, I know you've probably never been to temple, but going to temple

on mushrooms seems like a nightmare. What can you imagine? Just go down there. Go down there. What do you say? Whatever the fuck you say, Happy New Year. Masha'Allah. Yeah, nothing.

Masha'Allah. Happy New Year Yeah, I sure on the law You sit there you fucking dog one of the best times I have is when I go to church stoned I've never taken edibles because I never had the time, you know to warm up church is something that pops into my mind I got a church What do you mean? I'll warm up edibles are like three bites. What do you mean? Not even you usually eat it just like a pill. You need like an hour warm up. Okay. I usually have Sundays at 7am. Who's gonna get up at six and pop an edible? You've done it. I have to create this on a Sunday that ruins your whole day. I got shit to do people to respond to I gotta answer the people so

But I do like four fucking five bond hits and by the time I get to church you walk in there You're nice and settled. You don't even focus on what he's saying. I It would be sad because I'd focus on the 12 stations of the cross. I get caught up and feel sentimental but like because even a catholic like the biggest problem i would have at temple is like they make you stand up but like a catholic mass they make you kneel like i can't imagine kneeling on like a fucking walker in your pocket give the guy phytolysis it's a fucking little workout i I'm gonna invent that, the church workout. Up, down, high five, shake this guy's hand. Up, down.

Get up. Did it piss you off? Cause it pisses me off at temple. Nah, you know, listen, I'm used to it. I've been doing it since I was, you know, up, down, up, down, you know. It's a fucking nightmare. But you know what, man, it was,

I still enjoy it. I don't wanna do it every week. I don't want to volunteer. I don't want to pass the basket around I just want to go down there sit in church thinking about my life Look around the 12 stations of the cross And get the fuck out of there like I'm not big and I'm hanging and. And the church today has changed. Like especially in my area here, it's Gentile Catholic Church. There's really no feeling. God forbid there's not a fucking priest from another country, a third world nation

that you can't understand that way. I'm sitting there fucking, what's he saying? I don't know about here. Lots of business. Isn't he speak Latin anyways? No, they speak English or whatever, but you got these guys, they get them right off the fucking boat and I gotta be their guinea pig to learn English and shit. I'm sitting there in the back like fucking, you know.

And then it's just not, I don't know, God forbid you don't have a gay singer in the church. Yeah. You know, God forbid you don't have, it's like, diversely hit the church, you know? Oh, it bums me out about Temple. Yeah, I just like the regular guitar. I don't like it.

Yeah, the guitar, that's too early for me. I want to hear about Led Zeppelin. All right, Tico, here, take $10 and go to get a bagel. I don't want to hear the fucking guitar at 8 in the morning. I don't really want to hear no singing. I don't mind the little hymns they sing, you know, in between. You're not going to come at me with a full force fucking band at 9 in the morning and make me get up,

because the first time I hear the tambourine I'm done. There's two things I've always done if I see a tambourine or if I see a flute like I'm done Like when I went to see general power and like 1980 once the flu came out me and my friends are like this Don't need to sit here no more. You know what i'm saying? You just left Yeah, I always used to leave I still leave, you know me Have you ever left church like have you ever like walked out of service on service? No, but i'll tell you the worst thing I ever did Because I don't I never mentioned this in church. I never mentioned this on the church

When my daughter, not Mercy, when my oldest daughter got baptized. You know, we knew that my in-laws knew the church well, and they knew the priest well. And the priest was a cool motherfucker. Like he just knew That I was out of my mind He worked, you know, he was very nice. He'd work with it and

See this so this had to be 1990 okay So this is 34 years. Now you know I'm fucking crazy now. Could you imagine 1990? Fresh out of jail. People think a kid's gonna change me in a marriage and I'm still fucking rough around the edges.

And I'll never forget. My, the woman I married, her brother was just as out there as I was. He wasn't a criminal. He was a smart guy, but he went to work and that's the only thing he did right. You know, and we got along. We hit it off. This is a guy who had a bong in his car and who always bought weed by the quarter pound. So I was a fan of that motherfucker right off the bat.

And we were at the church, we're getting ready to baptize my daughter. Everybody's fucking there. And he goes, Hey man, I got to join us some fucking heavy duty weed. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? And he goes, yeah. He goes, come on, follow me. I know this church. Cause I knew it, but not as well as he did. And we went downstairs in like a lobby and just sparked up a

fucking joint. Me and him right downstairs, no ventilation, no nothing. We walked back upstairs. I was happy for like two minutes, then I felt like a fucking idiot. First of all, I got really fucking high. And then after we were hanging out, everybody was saying, it smells like weed. And the steam that was coming out of my wife's seat is you couldn't even fucking, it was just too much. It was just too fucking much. That's the worst thing I've ever done. Like as far as I'm concerned, kidnapping, mugging somebody, that's nothing in my world compared to smoking in the church. And I still

think about it. And I'm still like, what the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck was I thinking? Did you like ask for forgiveness for it? I asked forgiveness for everything. You know, that was one of the many That's a cool part about kids all like that you can just ask for forgiveness And if you like, you know work on it, you're forgiven. That's pretty cool Yeah, but it just don't work like that. It just don't work like you know what? I'm gonna forgive my I'm gonna think God's gonna forgive me I'm gonna go out and hit somebody else in the head. Honest the guy What means is that you have to forgive yourself?

If you look into those words you have to forgive yourself first And once you forgive yourself, then it's kind of easy for anybody else to forgive you But I held myself, you know, I always punish myself Really? Like Yeah, you have to have personal punishment. It's like, you're not going to have that anymore. You know, like my, my bolder set. Like I'm really ashamed of acting in Colorado and I go to Denver and I do the

shows and shit, but I won't trickle to Boulder or any of those places just because I'm kind of ashamed, you know? I get that, but it was so long ago. You don't feel like you've made amends for it? Yes and no. I could have done that in any place in the world, except in God's country. I did it right there in God's country. And it was God's country. It was like putting a professional in a fucking high school basketball game. Right. You know, like, but you know

what, I've learned to live with it. I've forgiven myself to the extreme to the extent that I could. Now I hope that someday boulder forgives me, you know what I'm saying? I think besides that, are you I had a great I know you know Connecticut Connecticut was great. I had a fun Like I've never had like a it wasn't even a heckle It was just like this older lady was just drunk and was like talking to me But I like and I told you on the phone like I I was just like I don't know if proud of myself is the right

Word or just like I was happy with like how I handled it because in the past I would just like, I don't know if proud of myself is the right word or just like, I was happy with like how I handled it. Because in the past, I would have like either crumbled or like just tried to power through it and still do the jokes and that wouldn't have worked. And she had she got so drunk, dude. And I was asking about this, she fell out of her chair. Like I've never had to she crashed out of her chair and was still talking shit from the floor. It was one of the funniest things that I've ever experienced.

She was talking, I'm okay. That show was wild. That show, while she was talking shit, there was a 65, 70-year-old couple in the back, and I want to ask you about this, just basically having sex. They were making out and he was sitting behind her. If they weren't making out, he was sitting behind her if they weren't making out He was giving her a massage like I've never seen that in a comedy show before and it was like a 70 year old couple You know man, that's funny you say that

because This morning I went on Facebook. I posted like some shit in a video. And I know like, you know, you don't look at stuff that has nothing to do with you really. But for weeks, like for two weeks, I've been seeing these old women with bikinis on. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? They're not old women. They're like 50, but they look good. You know, they look, you know, 55, maybe 60.

And today for the first time I go, what the fuck is this? And it was like, why is a girl on a bikini telling me I got to read books? That's what she was like, that's what Facebook posted about reading fucking books, that you should read two books a week, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, are you fucking crazy lady? You're 60 years old. Why are you in a bikini? That's, I don't know, that had nothing to do with your story.

Number two, the oddest thing, the oddest thing I heard the last couple of years during the pandemic was that venereal diseases were up in all folks' homes. Yeah. Dude, have you heard about the villages? I think it's called. It's there.

Well, fuck it. No, I gotta be honest. No. Oh, dude, there's, and Joe, if you can find it in something quickly to pull it up, there's a place called the villages in Florida. It's a, it's a retirement community and it has like, I don't know if it's like the most, but they, they're well known for having like a huge amount of STDs and they have something because they drive around in golf carts is that they have different color loofahs for what kind of like sex stuff

they want to do. It's like the STD capital of America and this is an old folks home. It's well known that that's all there. They go there to fuck. They go there. And Joe, I don't know if you can scroll down if they have anything about the luffas, but the luffas is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. They break it down by color. You're single, you want people to watch, you want people to... I don't know, they might not have it on this one, but it's just... I've heard that for a while that old folks homers are crazy

I'll tell you you know I'm one of those guys since I'm a kid like I have a brother and him and I have been saying the same Thing I'm saying we've been saying the same thing since we were fucking ten years old I'm saying we've been saying the same thing since we were fucking 10 years old. Look at this shit. Yeah. Lufa coat at Florida. Can you scroll? Guarantee those people doing drugs. Oh yeah. Oh, there we go. Can you zoom in further Joe? Cause it just has all the colors right there. If you, yeah, I couldn't give me one so I'll find it

But yeah, so what was it? What would have you and your brother been saying? When we were kids every time like a lady won't buy like a weird-looking ass We'd always go can you imagine where ass smells like I mean we've been saying this to each other I just saw him in Delaware 60 years old We still saw some lady with sandals on, the weird looking ass. And he looked at me out of the corners of the eyes like, can you imagine what her ass smells like?

You know, and then you see like, you ever go to a, I don't wanna talk about this negatively, but if you look at your parents, you look at your parents, say your dad's mild-mannered, your mom's got the fucking house dress on but a hair up and curlers she ain't looking for no dick and He ain't looking for no ass. You don't say he's home at five or one. He's on the chair He don't really listen to your mom. He passes out at seven after dinner

But you look at them from time to time you're like You think mom and dad are still you like? from time to time and you're like, you think mom and dad are still, you're like, nah. Thankfully my parents aren't together, but I had thought about that, but it's creepy to think about, it's the worst. But when I was a kid, I'd go to people's houses to eat dinner and shit, I look at the parents,

and I'd always play a game in my head, do you think he's still fucking? And I'm like, I don't know. I just don't know. But did you ever tell your friends you were thinking about that? They must have hated that game. No, no, I never told anybody about that game. Do you think he's fucking? It's like when you see, you know, listen, love is weird.

But number one, you told me about it on the phone. And you didn't say that they were basically having like light sex. You were saying they were making out. I'm 61 years old. I got a chip toot. I got, you know, I don't want to make out with nobody at this age. No. Like I'll make out with my wife at the time.

I don't even want to do that no more. Like I'm past that fucking stage. Now we're just getting the fucking, you want to make out? I don't know. Like, you know, it's just so it's so weird you know I'm making out with some 70 year old lady and she loses a tooth I'm done I spit it out I'm going home I'm not even dropping her off I don't know how she gets dropped off from Florida at that fucking Wonderland fucking condom factory down there where they get crabs this shit, you know

But now I'm 61 and I can be honest by the year. I Get sexual, you know, I can't hold up like everybody else. You know, I'm saying Do I end up for outside monkey? No, because I know I can't do nothing with it. There's nothing I'm gonna do It's just gonna be an embarrassment situation for me embarrassing So what happened like like you just it was not gonna work the same. I need to get a heart attack Is that what you're worried about I'm worried about a lot of things, you know, just 10,000 things. First of all, I'm married, but what if I'd have a, I wouldn't even know where to start.

I wouldn't even know what to talk to them about. Listen, man, ever since I stopped doing drugs, I've lost that angle of my life. I thought angle disappeared like that, you know, getting in the mood and fucking bang one out in the bathroom. Those days are long gone. I'm going on 17 years. I haven't been fucking, you know, the blow makes you crazy, you know, and it just, but now it's like, if I do it, it's okay.

It ain't like, you know, how it used to be when I was crazy and I had big eyes and my dick was hard. I'd be walking around with a bottle of whiskey. Yeah. I was left to see you say that to a woman. Yeah. Well, you know, obviously I'm not talking about your wife, but like, do you, do your fantasies change when you get older?

Do you think? I have no fantasies. Nothing. Cause you have a fan of things that you could do. They ain't much more I could do no more. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you have a fantasy, like I'm gonna score 70 points in the game.

I'm gonna work 52 weeks in a year. But you know, you got it. I know I don't got it. Like, you know, you have to come to terms with yourself. Unless I shoot a bunch of Viagra, you know, unless I take some blue chew, like have it on me all day long, look at pornographic materials,

put a feather in my pants or like a rock in my shoe that makes one of the Chinese put a rock in their shoe or whatever they do. I don't know. I don't know, but that ship sailed those days like that. I don't, sometimes I watch like a movie and they have like a sex scene and I get embarrassed now. Oh, I get embarrassed. I get embarrassed. And then it's also like, it's crazy. Like I know you never really did online dating, which I think would be hysterical to see you try

to online date. But it's like they're like people like they have sexual very quickly now like they like you like they're like people women tell me that like guys will just send them messages that are like oh what i would do to your tits like all like all they're like they just open up with craziness and i have i don't have any idea how they would do that when i was young crazy and on the road yeah yeah You gotta tell somebody you gotta sell, you know, you're trying to sell your game Jack. You're not gonna sell it by telling I went to Harvard and I have a Everybody went to Harvard and got a boat bitch. You got a time list. I got a ten-foot dick and I could choke myself with it And I guess it'll work with somebody I don't get that many men walk away right like a girl

Walked up to you said I got orgasm and it comes out of my ears You either have another drink and go Let's get out of here Or you go you have another drink you pick up your drink and move ten down at least you know where you stand Yeah, oh and that's the hardest part is knowing where you stand in any of this shit, but it's one of my dear friends growing up And I'm talking about early on 17 18 19 20 21

Good-looking dude Just wouldn't say much. I mean, women would crawl to him and he wouldn't, you know, his conversations would be awkward. But when he did meet some, I remember being down the shore for the one time, like on the beach and him picking up a girl and taking her on to the fucking boardwalk

and whatever the fuck they did And he came back and I go what what is he doing? How does he do this do does he sing him a lot letter? That's one of those he do various things. I've never hit on a woman in the wild like I've never beach Talk this guy was a professional like this, but I noticed he only hit on women when he was drinking because he was loose. And when he did coke, forget it. He mixed those two, he would be on fire, but he'd take it to the next level. He'd go up to women and go, what are you doing with this fuck guy?

And he'd take out a coke rock, your pussy out with a coke rock. And at first I looked at it and I was like that. It's just crazy. Then I tried it. Jesus Christ. Did you get more confidence with coke and drinking? Yeah. That's what I'm trying to say. When I was snorting coke and drinking, my sexual game was, listen, I've been with my wife for 24

years. So yeah, 15, our top 15 wedding anniversary. And we'll be together 24 years and 25 years in July. That's awesome. 25 years. So it is what it is. But you learn about yourself as you get older and You know, it's really weird that I thought by now and have complete ed

and I'd have to get like an indian guy with a flute to play and And somebody to light my heels on fire to get a heart on I have to eat like fish No, it's amazing. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, I got a baseball bat. I'm like Aaron Judge. I got to pee out of that motherfucker. I got to hang it on the sink a few times. I mean, I'm like, there ain't nobody around.

Ha ha ha. What good is it? There just ain't nobody around when you got the Aaron Judge bat. Let's get this party started, dog. Greetings from Podcastville. It's Tuesday this party started, dawg. Greetings from Podcastsville! It's Tuesday, the 8th of October. The check-in is brought to you by my favorite Blue Chew. Listen, fall is here, flowers in the air. You're about to be spending a lot more time indoors. You better make sure

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It works you keep like two of them around local put one in your sock one in your wallet and Boof all of a sudden when you see love and you put your cape on you could walk over with confidence. Bluetooth wants you to have confidence to perform at your best so discover your options at bluetooth.com. We got a special deal for the check-in listeners. You ready for this? You're gonna get Bluetooth for free when you use code Diaz. D-I-A-Z at checkout. Just pay $5 for shipping. That's it. Bluetooth.com. Promo code Diaz to receive your first month free. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details. And blue chew for sponsoring The check-in the check-in is also brought to you by the freeze pipe

Listen, you can keep filling your bong with ice so you could be an adult and get the freeze pipe already The freeze pipe does the hard work for you each piece comes with a glycerin chamber that you pop in the freezer When you're ready to hang out with Cheech and Chung You take it out. Listen when you take that first hit. Ooh la la That smoke passes through the chamber. It gets cooled down by over 300 degrees no more coffin. No more sitting there with drool coming out of your face like Lee. It's just a nice smooth experience. Listen, you go to my garage of death,

there's a freeze pipe in there, and right next to it is the meat locker, that's where the glycerin chamber goes. I go out there, I'm ready to launch, whether it's 7 a.m. or 7 p.m., the freeze pipe is always there with Uncle Joey, and guess what? I love it, and you're gonna love it, too

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Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church! ["The Last Supper"] Oh

Shit 10 824 nice combination all twos Yeah, who the fuck you think you're dealing with Joey bananas I live for these type of days I'm in the jackpot today Jack Ten eight twenty four. What about, 10? Is that better? 10, 10, 24, 25, 24, yeah. I shot one of the worst pieces of work I ever put out there was 10, 10, 2010. Oh no. You remember that or you weren't around for that?

No. No, that was right before I met you. I was pretty much out of comedy okay just doing it skipping you know skipping jive type comedy and I do a podcast and I talk about mugging a hooker and the next thing I know fucking all hell breaks loose people coming to see me and after about a month he's like listen let's put something together. Let's do 101010. It's a good date. So we did it at Sal's, I think, who Sal and it was a braille. And I'll never forget how bad I felt after that show.

Like I was really bad stand up at that time. Not as bad as now, but just something was not working. And I started rocking and rolling, but I really wasn't prepared. And I told you, I went to Columbus, I hit a bag of dicks, I didn't go back for like 16 months. And that scared the shit out of me. I always thought it was because I bombed, they closed it down, the fixer or something like that.

Oh, okay. But yeah, I did a horrible job that night. Like just, I think when your wife says something to you, you're not through. Oh no. No, we spoke about it that night and she's like, you weren't, you weren't Comedy Store, she said to me. And I'm like, you're right. There's nothing I could do. I didn't go back to the store till maybe four years later. Oh, yeah. No, and it's like, it kind of reminded me like what happened this weekend.

Like, you know, you maybe I don't know what was going on in September or August of that year, but maybe do you think you weren't working as hard at it? You said you were almost out of comedy. I was. I was. I was. I was. of comedy. I Don't know what I was doing who the fuck knows what I was clean

And I was living in the valley. I was living on the street of death where I met gray and I just wasn't getting on stage like I was. I was used to getting on stage 30 times a month. Nine times, six at the haha and a week in the month with Joe. So my game wasn't really tight, you know, and I remember feeling bad about it and hitting the notebook and, you know, trying to really learn how to help. And then I started going to the Irvine Improv. Right.

That's where I got to learn how to headline. And not at the store, because you're doing 15 minute sets. Right. You can go to the store. This was the bad thing about the store, because you might go to the store and see that dude's best 15 minutes. Then when he comes to your hometown,

he shows up with an hour in the last hour, the the last 30 minutes you want to put a bullet in your head you're like well i saw him at the store because they're only doing 15 minutes the store is great for a lot of things but it's not great for longevity i don't know i don't know what you're doing i'm sorry i I I'm sorry I don't think people understand like going from like 15 or 20 to 45 an hour is a big jump So it only do 15 at the store It's a big jump when you look at it And it's a

Big jump when you're watching it But it's so weird how comics will add five minutes of junk to have that time. And it's so hurtful for you. I'd rather you say you're a feature and stretch. Right. You know, they want you to do 20 as a feature now. When I was a feature, they wanted you to do 30.

So I would just do 35. 37. You know, the headline, I was going do 35, 37. You know, the headline, I was gonna do two hours. You don't give a fuck about my extra, if I run the light by 10, I'd ask them, you mind if I do an extra five? I'm trying something, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm back here fucking them, you know.

In Miami, they don't give a fuck what you do. They're back there looking at girls. You know, some places, they're small, you're in the green room, you're dying to get on stage. I understand so That was the differences and that's a lot of people don't understand that they really don't know When you go to the comedy store, you see somebody's best 18 minutes And I you could you can do 18 minutes and you could start with another 20 and another 20 For me, it worked better when I was stretching,

when you somebody highs you in a bar and you take a hundred dollars less and go, can I do an hour? And you just battle through it. It doesn't matter. Those people are drunk. They're not going to like the other. They're not going to remember you won't wear the. And there's like if you're in a bar show, you know what I'm saying? But there's clubs that you could you know the ice house I never went up there material That is mind-blowing to me you were there with me. I know

Those little satinite things that have three things on a piece of paper and we do an hour because I was used to it If I do that now, oh You're gonna throw tomatoes at me after 20. Oh You know, but you would definitely you'd figure it out But I was thinking about because you said something on the phone that like kind of like you said like I bet you're gonna Do like 20 weeks this year. I went and looked I went back to my calendar If I don't add anything and I have a couple weeks available if I don't add anything I'm gonna do 32 weeks on the road like not even like local shows like 32 and I was like wow

That's fucking cool. And that's more than I want. I got my goal was to hit 20 this year. I did very impressive I love so happy. That's how you and will people don't people will you know working in broad bitch I'm working Harry's bar and grill. They give me four shows Give me a cheeseburger before every show. There's no judgment. I could try a new fucking 15 minutes a night There's no agents there, you know Don't this is what I told you I hit on the triple runs. I hit on the fucking Michigan runs I hit on the Oklahoma The Wyoming runs I hid I fucking hidden perfectly, you know, I hit perfect

purposely, yeah What's that it was perfect it was a good idea it's perfect The problem is people have the patience Now you you started in Boston. Mm-hmm. That's a bigger market. I started in Denver. You started in Boston. That's a way f- Oh, my market was different. Like, I- Every once in a while, Wyoming comes to my mind. Like, I did fucking comedy in Wyoming. In a fucking barn. And there'd be 400 people there. Wyoming, in a fucking barn.

And there'd be 400 people there. Yeah, they're my favorites. Right, with hay on the side and chairs and they were selling beers and they'd do, they would raffle shit for the church. This is a community comedy show. And I'd go up there and be a little raunchy from time to time and they took the ride with me.

I wasn't fucking, I wasn't looking to be Robin Williams. I was just looking to do time. And a place wouldn't fucking come back to haunt me. Yeah. And even not even more like they wouldn't come back to haunt you. I mean, yeah, if you bomb for an hour, they're not going to be happy about it. But like those shows in Barnes or like in the middle of nowhere, they're just so happy to be there. Like I love those shows. I remember doing a show towards the Canadian border. Okay. In the war in Wisconsin. I got to tell you something, Lee, the half hour, the last half hour before the gig, like we

were supposed to be there at eight, and it must've been about 5.30, and we ate something and said, you know, just in those days there wasn't no miles to the next, to your gig, there wasn't no waves, you know. And I'll never forget like miscalculating. And the last, and I'm not gonna leave, the last 45 minutes before this town, there was nothing.

In fact, there was nothing that there was fake deer. They put like plastic deer up to make it look like there was a civilization out there. There was nothing, Lee. When we got to the hotel, it was like a fucking a civilization out there. There was nothing like, when we got to the hotel, it was like a fucking party in that town. You thought you went to Studio 54, they thought we were celebrities.

What movies have you been in? None, none, none, none. We saw you in movies like, oh fuck. But I don't know, I enjoyed those as much as I enjoyed doing spots at the store. And I still think about those sets. Oh yeah, well, it went part the store and I still think about those sets. Oh yeah well I still think about those sets from the feeling because you weren't playing for money you were playing to be funny.

Two big differences when you're playing for money and when you're playing to be funny it's two big differences so it's kind of fun because you don't give a when you're playing to be funny it's two big differences. So it's kind of fun because you don't give a fuck. You're just looking to go to a show to see some woman fall out of a chair and fucking puke and then the couple in the back to swap and spit. I'm you know I still can't get over they were fucking he was he was as creepy as can be giving him a massage. I still can't get over they were fucking he was he was as creepy as could be giving her a massage. Oh Giving and I do I'm not a comic again I almost never like call anybody out Like I've made that mistake a couple of times like if someone was sleep and people don't usually find it funny

It's like I didn't call him out But then he like he just didn't heckle but he talked right after the woman fell out of the chair Like they were going crazy and he asked me a question just like asked me like a question about one of my jokes and I was like you know what fuck it and I was like I wasn't gonna bring this up but you guys have basically been fucking the whole show and like the crowd went nuts and then he I thought I was worried he was gonna be upset he said he said you should see what's happening underneath the table and like they do they were going nuts they were it was so fun but it's dude in that show at both shows Friday and Saturday a lot of people came out Saturday, which was awesome but like that show was like as

crazy as it was like I did 15 minutes on nothing just on what was happening in front of me and just Like it was so it was there was so much energy and I'm not encouraging people to to heckle at all. It doesn't help the show at all. But in those like when I'm in the side room of a restaurant like it's just it's not going to be there if I didn't prove. No it's not and you have to go up there thinking like that. It's like when I go to the girls softball games and they got a ref with a missing foot

And the other guys, you know got his hat on sideways and he's blowing a whistle one of those things that you blow with the spender and going around they get mad cuz Cuz he missed a call my guys These guys well, yeah, these aren't major league umpire you see right just Well, you know, these aren't major league umpire. You see right just We just hit good fucking time. You know saying kids don't get hurt. We're just having a good time, you know, they're making 20 bucks I Could tell Friday night All together now, how long have you been doing comedy eight years? It'll be seven in November

Okay Starting now you're gonna get breakthroughs Years? It'll be seven in November. Okay. Starting now, you're gonna get breakthroughs. Anybody who's doing comedy in the fifth, sixth, seventh year, you know, maybe your advance is lead, maybe you're not as far along as lead, maybe whatever. Remember one thing, you're gonna have good nights and bad nights. But I've said this once and I'll say this again. Every 60 to 90 days, you're gonna notice such

an improvement of yourself on stage. Oh, you're gonna notice such an improvement of yourself on stage. Something's gonna to happen and you're going to handle it correctly. And that my friend, and I can tell you right now because you're going to answer me, you could eat 20 mushrooms and not have the feeling you get when you get off stage and you realize as a comedian that you've gotten to the next level. For me, it was, and you've gotten to the next level. For me, it was, I gotta say guys, it was, Jesus, maybe November of 98.

Let's just go with November of 98. I did a show in the Belly Room. And guys, and Lee, you've heard all my junkie stories. Right. I had coke in my pocket when I went in that stage that night in the belly room. Not only did I blow myself out of the water, but what I did that night,

I also realized I did like an hour and 35. And it was like 10 minutes I had done before. The rest was just from my heart and whatever. And I'll never forget that night giving that coke away because I couldn't get over what I had done on stage. Oh, yeah. And I would imagine drugs and gambling might be similar, but like doing well in standup is like winning is better than winning in gambling,

but like bombing and standup is worse than losing and gambling, at least for me. Like they're very similar to me. But but after 10 years, you realize that every bomb made you better. And remember, one of those bombs would have taken somebody down. Oh, yeah. They don't call them bombs because they're a good feeling. Right. But after a while you just get used to them.

You just start getting used to them and used to them and used to them. And one day something else happens and man, that's why I tell people don't quit until the miracle happens. Don't give up on a miracle. Right. Oh no. We all have a chance to hit a miracle

right I mean it's just any day we could bump into anything but we're not involved we'll never get that miracle that's what people never really fucking understand everybody wants to sit at home and make videos and think that you know fucking the bluebirds gonna knock on that door with a fucking check don't work that way No, those bombings or those bombings They pay you a lot of money for those bombings later on in your career when you stick with it Okay, cuz You know when you stick I'm sorry. I thought you were continuing. I'm sorry. Are you light on the edibles again? No, I'm not light on the edibles. I'm but I'm listen. I got the I don't even these

mushrooms. These African mushrooms are so strong, but I'm on the premises. I got these in a safe at my buddy's house because you have to keep it a certain temperature like crowd therapy to keep it a certain temperature, like crowd therapy to keep the fucking enzymes awake or whatever the fuck it is in there. So you better drink a lot of water, Cockly, because it's coming for you. You know what I'm saying? I'm working on it. But like that was like you said, like the feeling you get like when like you do well,

because I had been like I've been doing okay. I've been doing pretty well this year, but the feeling when you get off stage and you know you could have handled the situation differently, it's like a bummer. It's like, it really, it really will bum me out. But like getting off stage and being like, oh, I handled that the way I was supposed to.

Like that, that's a new feeling. Well, yeah. And Lee, listen man, you and I both know the worst feeling, there's two worst feelings, is bombing and trying to realize what you did wrong and shitting the bed in an audition and trying to realize what you did wrong. And they're like, thank you for coming. You don't want me to read again? No, no, no, it's okay. That was, that was great. Thank you, Mr. thank you for coming. You don't want me to read again? No, no, no, it's okay.

That was great. Thank you, Mr. Diaz for coming. And you're like, they might call me back. And also you don't hear from them forever. Never. Never, what, forever? But you think about what did I do? How did I break it down?

And those are the things that build strength. It's like if I scrape your elbow against a wall, eventually every night the scab is going to break and get tougher and tougher and tougher and tougher. And after six years of me banging your head off a wall, you won't have that scab no more. You won't breathe. You won't bleed no more. You see what I'm saying? I don't think I'll do a lot of things after six years of getting my head banging against the wall. Well, whatever. You get what I'm trying to say to you.

Yeah, of course. Sometimes bombing is... And listen, it's the truth. Bombing is so much way better than doing fantastic all the time. I took a measure fantastic all the time. I Took an immeasurable amount of bombs. I was like I was like fucking Lebanon. I was taking bombs I Was taking bombs just for fucking Christ's sake Some weeks I was just taking bombs for Christ's sake dog and I would sit there and go like I told

you how many times I cried dog I don't cry about anything I would cry about bombing and cry not really about bombing but now this is my last fucking hope in this world like I would sit there at night with that stupid newspaper open, the comedy JFL, whatever it was called out of San Francisco. And I would write the clubs out on it. And then I would start ripping the page like a child. You ever see Denzel Washington, man on fire, when he got really drunk at night and he was playing with the gun and all that.

And he would talk to himself. That was me. When I saw that in a drug addict type of way, that was me at night because I knew this was my only fucking hope out of that fucking dingy apartment. That's how I looked at it. That's how I looked at it. That's how I looked at it. After 95, I had a little bit more confidence on my, I could do this. But my goals weren't to meet Joe Rogan. My goals were to just stay on the road and live like the catcher from Major League. Yeah, that's the dream.

That was the dream. I didn't care about movies or TV. I just want to live in a hotel, eat, meet women, play the ukulele at night with sandals on, snort coke, and die on the road. I had nothing else going on. I had nothing on. You look at your mentality then. Now I look at all those things I just said to you. Like, you know, fucking playing the banjo and hanging out with women and drinking tequila. I look

at all that stuff like that stuff will kill me first. But back then, when you're 30. That's exactly what you're looking for. Yeah, what the fuck? And then eventually you meet somebody and they turn you onto this and you get turned onto this Next thing, you know, you're competing the seattle comedy competition And you What the fuck am I doing? I was just at a bar two weeks ago Cracking jokes and I came in third tonight

Okay It's the best part about it. It's like the one of the few things and there are people like I'm one of them who have like benefit from like you know things to get shows they shouldn't they might not necessarily get but like on a talent level all every comic starts out at the same place like it's very even. Very even. Very even and there's people that dog their sleepers So many sleeper cells You're gonna go to a town one time with Josh wolf

And you're gonna headline Wednesday night, okay Some clubs gonna call you one of these days and go. Hey man Don't say nothing somebody's coming in Thursday Friday Saturday, but they don't want to do a late shows Do you mind headlining Wednesday? Featuring for him Thursday Friday Saturday and then headlining the late shows hell, you know and you're like, yeah, why not?

And there was a point I was trying to make here, that Wednesday show, you know, like, I don't even know what I was trying to say to you. I think those fucking hash edibles hit me already and shit, you know what I'm saying? About how it's a level playing field Yeah, you go in there on a fucking Wednesday night and your headlining and you eat a bag of dicks now You're in that Thursday and you're fucking banging it out with one of the best headliners in the country That's home to visit his fucking grandmother, and he just wants to do the early show and pick up some cash while he's there And then that night you're headlining him, but I really forgot the point I was gonna make I'm sorry about that That's okay. It happened. It happens to me all the time. Yeah, but you didn't need fucking eight thousand milligrams tonight

No, no one does eat eight thousand milligrams. I had a bag of these Creighton gummies, it's THC but But he calls that, it's not Creighton, that shit that people are dying of the Chinese plant. The hash infused edibles, the THC, not bad. I ate them yesterday, I was like, yeah, baby. I finally found something, but I'd eat the whole bag. Which is five hundred kilograms. So today I helped him to six hundred and eight pre or four fucking ABXs.

I gotta get ready, you know what I'm saying? How do you do that? I have no idea how that works. I just do it, it's just another day. It's just another day, you know what I'm saying? It's just another day that you gotta get up and train some days you hit it hard. So Doug, let me tell you something.

You have no idea what I have been through the last week because I don't want to bring you down on the phone. Why? Because I'm not that type of dude. So fucking, I've had this thing in my ear since God knows when. I went to two different doctors, cream, the one lady looked at it, there's something in there,

we're gonna give you something that'll come out. That went on for fucking six months, I'm sitting there waiting. So I ran out of cream, the whole thing, I just keep a bandaid on it to dry it out, to see when this thing's gonna fall out. I think last Thursday I wake up, I go to kiss my daughter, she's like, dad, there's something

sticking out of your ear. And I'm like, oh, fuck. So I call my wife and go take a look at this thing. And it was just like a whitehead that wasn't really a whitehead. So she just detected the tweezers when she pulled. Guys, you thought I got shot. Fuck. But I got shot.

Fuck. You thought I got shot. I still remember being over a sink and the blood was dripping different parts of the fucking sink. It was unreal. It was a boil with a thing sticking out of it. I mean, she pulled out what she could and it was not good-looking

But I mean it was I ruined two shirts that day and just wouldn't stop bleeding wouldn't stop believe There's a sweatshirt and the t-shirt had underneath and do you have to like bring it? Do you have to go to the doctor is that what happened this week? So I we make the subscription. I picked it up late Friday and I put it on there And Friday was doing better Saturday was doing better put some a cura crown on there old school And I don't look the vitamin C so I wouldn't get an infection And I fucking Sunday it was killing me. So this morning I got up. But no last night before I went to bed, I go honey you got to look at this fucking thing

and she's like Joey we just got to take them to the hospital. I go forget the hospital. Let's go to urgent care. So I went this morning. I got up this morning right in early. I was like the third guy there. Holy shit. This morning they actually up this morning, right in early. I was like the third guy there. Holy shit. This morning, they actually shot me with a needle in there.

No. I haven't seen Jesus in a long time, but I saw him this morning. That's why I was a little discombobulated this morning. But I went in at 8 45. I sat there for like 25 minutes. They called me in there and the lady looked at it, cleaned it, did a bunch of stuff. She was listening. There's a dermatologist up there. Let me get you in there. I said, all right. So 12 50. She got me in there. I left there, came home,

did my morning stretch, did a video for YouTube, which I think they made it childproof because I smoked on it. I didn't show myself smoking, I just showed the smoke. Oh, damn, man. So, then I caught a quick half hour at the boxing gym. I went down there, he laid it into me today. I was like fucking dead when I left there.

I came, shaved my monkey, showered and went right back to the doctor at 1250. She fucking took one look at it and she goes, all right, lay down. And she goes, what I'm going to do is put some cocaine on it and I'm going to fucking shoot it. And then we're going to fucking scrape it and take out all that stuff so she's gonna send it in to see if it's skin cancer but when she pricked it with the fucking needle like it was painful but she had to take the needle out because the amount of blood that came her way it was fucking insane she had to keep me there For like 30 minutes after that. It was insane. I got home. I went to pickle tiring I got myself a chicken noodle soup

And I opened turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes on the side for lunch And I was home by 2 45 tip-top Magoo Ready to pick up my daughter ready for it when the bus dropped her off but I like Why don't you because I mean I don't feel I don't feel like you can't tell me things But like why don't you tell people like that shit's going on? Because we wanted to put on Facebook and Twitter that my ears fucked up Yeah, no, not Facebook, but you could tell your friends.

Hold on. Somebody died. Let me look up a picture from 1980. I was a kid. He gave me an autograph. Let me post it up so everybody knows he was my buddy. You know, you really don't post that stuff. No, it's so creepy when people do that. It's it's a different world on Instagram. It's like shit. We don't need to know There's a thousand things. I want to know about you that shit. I don't give a fuck you want to show me your titties

God this Facebook knock yourself out But if you're gonna tell me by your toe that you're out of commission say a prayer for my cousin. He jumped out of a helicopter you What am I a Swami I can't help you. But what about, have you seen when people post, like pictures from the hospital room and they're like, send me some prayers or give me some thoughts, who, how can he,

why would you go to the hospital room and take out your phone to take a picture? If I send you, if I put a picture on Facebook, the captain's gonna be be send me an Asian nurse with sticky hands, you know what I'm saying? I have an intravenous in my neck. In your neck, holy shit. We gotta get the good stuff.

We ain't getting that Billy Goats stuff they give you from fuckhead, you know. I was like, well, does he talk to a nurse and be like, I don't want the Billy Goat stuff? Do you talk to nurses like that? I tell them the truth. Today I told her, listen, before you put that needle in my arm, I just want to tell you something.

But she took my blood pressure when I walked in there and I'm like, listen, relax. I just cut off like 50, you won't take my blood pressure. I told her, it's our first date, give me 10 minutes. And then she put it on and she laughed. And then it went down to like fucking, listen dog, I have a good time in my life. I like, I go to this place to eat, it's dynamite.

I'm not even gonna blow up the spot. I love the food there. And I like going there when it's quiet, but it's so good from time to time. I gotta go in there on a Saturday and bust out. But every Saturday I go there, I have a little Mexican bartender that takes Cammy. He's moving back down to Pococo.

He's like a co-headliner. He's like a busboy slash bartender. I got him on the small 20 program in there. But every time I go on there is a girl that's very attractive, young, you know, but very quiet. And the first two times I seen a bartender, I'm like, I don't know how that girl makes money. Why?

She doesn't smile. Oh yeah. If she smiled, she would. So finally, I went there this weekend and a buddy of mine goes in there to eat the bartender from Osteria Joe. Okay. A bro that he comes in and he goes,

yeah, I'm off today. I came down. I always come down there my day off. I'm like, oh, fuck. The lunch special is great. And I go, Joe, that girl never smiles. And he goes, I know it kills me too. And I look at her and also she comes back and and at the end I go to pay my check. And I go give him a glass of wine before I leave and I'll pay for that cash So when she went away to get it because she was in my way to she was my buddy's way to that I'm with fucking Ricky Ricardo from Macabuco

myself When I Say well watch and she comes back and she's got beautiful nails. I got nails with money. I go, can I ask you a question? She goes, what? I go, where do you get your nails done? And she goes, perfect. And why do you ask? You know, because when I go on transmission, I want the best,

baddest fucking nails there are. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking of switching. And she started laughing. Oh, we. Oh, shit. She smiled. Yeah, you got it. I love you. Yeah. I tipped that we had a good time. Let's take a breathe and talk to you guys about draft Kings this weekend. Oh, it's time for tricks, treats and touchdowns. and the number one place to bet touchdowns is draft King Sportsbook an Official sports betting partner of the NFL they make it nice and easy

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I mean, fuck. It's so much. It's so much that's coming out. You got so many different choices to make $27.50 a night. You know what I'm saying? And it's amazing how close they are. I've lived my life. I'm very happy betting fucking $20, $10.

Very happy. I would've won. I still get excited. Because I only bet like 10 bucks on a chiro and he's hitting home runs like they're fucking yum yums on a Japanese street. Speaking of yum yums, dog, let me tell you what's going on with Uncle Joey lately.

So about a month ago, maybe about six weeks ago, I took my daughter to a wah-wah with her girlfriends for something after a softball game. And I noticed they had blow pops. Okay. Without the blow pop. Because sometimes you get the blow pop and it's a good cherry one, but it's old and you got to break a tooth to get to the fucking gum. I'm too old to be playing mystery with the fucking, the lollipop and biting into that

shit. Right. I went to Wawa one day and they got like a 10 pack of the gums that are inside all the flavors So watermelon really great strawberry. Yeah, I have the middle man So I go in there every once a week and I buy one or two And then I eat a whole pack and I spit it out on the fucking road, but I love it And then I started the one night. I went to get like three packs and I goes hey, man You've been coming in here a lot for those things. I'm like

busted The worst so I had to start going in different wall was to get my little The one retarded cook kept you Joey. Are you Joey? Are you Joe? He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't fucking stop the one down With Joey Diaz being here buying bubble gum. He goes, no, okay then, I'm not Joey Dears. And I walked out. How often are you getting gum? That's the worst when they recognize you. I had that habit of jacking the box.

It's the fucking worst. And then they got right back to me because I had a tariff up there. If anybody sees me at a fast food restaurant, go to a reefer store store pick up fucking ten dollars worth of wheat. So everybody was ratting you out I saw love to rat me out Everyone else is snitches get stitches everyone loves to rat me out to Joe people rat me out for stuff I haven't done the funny thing was that they put on an Arab disguise to go to Subway sandwich. I was hungry. I Was hungry. It was a fine. Oh... Dude, I had someone tell me recently, and another comic accused me of getting... He's like, oh, last time I saw you, you were fucked

up. I was like, oh yeah, really? And he was like, yeah, this comedy club, a comedy club I've never been to. People loved and they always tag you in things. I can't tell you how often I get tagged and, Lee, you're really fucking up. Joey, look at that, like, who else has to deal? Like, oh my God, Lee's really, I still get people saying you're a Jersey Mike's guy now, no subway. I haven't been to a subway. I'm like paranoid to go to a subway.

It is crazy how they don't, they still talking about their fucking stars of death. Oh yeah. That's been gone for eight fucking years. The stars of death, stars of death. It's so weird when they bite into something. It's like, you know what fucked me up last week? What's that?

Number one, in today's world, you can't get in trouble. Okay? You cannot get an illegal trouble. You cannot be a high profile person and get into any dilemma because the media, what's that expression there? The judge? Yeah. Like the media doesn't give you a chance to breathe. Listen, we've known each other a long fucking time. You ever see Diddy? And how? No, I've never seen him out.

Okay. You know what? That that that wasn't our world. You know, and it's so funny how all of a sudden, everybody's got a Diddy story. Mm hmm. But then there's people that like you and me, name a party we went to, Liam, like that. We went to somewhere together. Do you remember any?

We did. The only party we went to was Gabe's Christmas party, which was awesome. Okay. Gabe's Christmas party. So how long ago was that? Eight to 10 years ago, I would say somewhere seven to 10 years ago.

It's yeah, 10 years ago. It's 24. Even before that, gotta be 11 years ago, because the one year you went to see the fucking movie 2013 went to see that movie. So that was in 2012. Now what if that night we took a picture of me, you, Martin, and whatever. And Gabriel's our friend. We know him, we know the guys, but one of the guys got caught playing the bongos somewhere in Mexico with a 10 year old.

You know what I'm saying? And they find out he's got a farm and he's cousins to the guy in Waco. I'm just making an imaginary fucking scenario. And all of a sudden they immediately got pictures. You know, they got people that were actually there for the parties, you know, Beyonce, whatever the fuck. And all of a sudden, after a week, they dig up our picture.

Who else was there? And we're like, guys, if they knew we drove down, we ate, we giggled and we were home. Like you know and they raffled off the TV, they gave away $15,000 and they were playing poker. Do you remember that night? Yeah. And it's like so now because I was there, now I'm getting hate mail. You know, like now people looking at you differently, you know, they posted a picture of him and Howard Stern. I didn't see anything with Howard Stern. But then the media started talking about the people

with their kids, and that's when I fucking blow the line. What's that? You know what, man? I don't see Diddy with kids. I see diddy banging all these hot black chicks and these rappers and fucking you know celebrities and shit giving them yum yum pills and roofies and Making them drink blood whatever the fuck they do, you know, because it's just it's just something beyond and then So that pissed me off that the media is doing that. But the big thing about 90% of the people that are talking about this don't know the mental state of the people in Los Angeles and don't know the mental state of people

trying to become famous. No. There's two types of people that go to LA. There's people that want to become famous. No. There's two types of people that go to LA. There's people that want to become famous. And there's just people that end up there like I did. You know, it took me 20 years to get an agent that was worth it, you know what I'm saying? But in those 20 years, I forgot who the fuck I was.

Okay. But we weren't that lucky, Lee. But in those 20 years, I forgot who the fuck I was. Okay? But we weren't that lucky, Lee. And you've witnessed it. You've seen what happens to people. I mean, we saw somebody get caught up, and I would tell you all the time, watch that person, watch that person. It was no fucking, it was a no-brainer You know, you're an actor comic. You're a comic you don't belong there

You know, you don't belong there. I don't care what they tell you this that you don't belong there because once you get there, you're gonna realize you don't belong there or You're gonna be a fucking Just a fucking hanger on those guys in the rap videos or those guys in the rock videos in the back with the bottle You know, that's what you want to do. But for some people they're very happy with that But before people start criticizing they kind of understand the mental state of Men and women when they get around that I Have to I and I don't even know what it was like

No, we both don't know I don't know. That's not our world We had a fucking office that we paid seven miles a month for a guy right? Yeah our world We don't know nothing about that shit But what do you think like what does that? These people probably wouldn't have done a lot of that stuff Wherever they were from like what do you think happens when they get around that stuff? My biggest question has always been who makes a young woman go into a man's hotel room to read a script Okay that that

to read a script. Okay. When I send my daughter home, every fucking to school, that's what I think about. Like what didn't they teach those girls that you don't go up there? You just don't go up there. There was just so many things that people never really looked at.

And there was a lot of things with men. I could sit and listen. I could go on Shannon sharp And tell Shannon a million fucking stories Just upset of speculation that I've heard From the minute I got that that I never got myself caught into I Just looked at it for what it was and that's what they do and you know what? That's it That's it. That was the best thing, but it's so sad that people don't know that world,

but then they're gonna wanna jump into it. You don't know the world of Jennifer Lopez. You don't know the world of Diddy. It's not a fucking life, it's a world. And what comes into it, Madonna, you know, these fucking, these moguls, they're fucking, you know, you don't know their world. You just think they were, they assume. That was tremendous.

You don't know their world. I wasn't even a fart. That was my back stretching. But people don't know their world. And the people that are in their world were what they would do to be that person And when you have that you'll do anything Use all you want is to be famous That's it. I

Always came from the school that you had to get on stage to get famous You know, I see these comedians that are trying to strive, but they work more on what parties they get invited to and the fashion they get on and the bullshit gallows they get invited to because they're just bullshitting. Listen, if you look at the Grammys, the Emmys, or the Oscars, look at me. I'm at the Lesbians Latino Alliance. Listen, there's 80 years, you know, right? It's it's kind of weird. They make this big yuck for some people that fills their hole for me I'd rather be at the fucking store banging it up Fucking doing spots snorting coke and learning comedy in three different fucking rooms

You know, oh, yeah That's what kills me about this. So I haven't Spoken about it because everybody's talking about it was making jokes now. Everybody was at a diddy party I've never seen nothing like this in my life People want to be at diddy parties. No that now everybody was at a diddy party. That's what I'm saying I'm surprised someone people admit to it everybody who fucking You know was that a dinner party.

I did get some good some good food last night though. I bet I know what it is. No. Fuck out of me. No, no it was actually it was great. I went to this Italian place. It was great. In the upper east side. It was called like San Mateo. Dude. I had the gnocchi for one of the first times. Then they brought out prosciutto hanging. It was just a really cool present. That's one of the things I love about New York is these little restaurants. They're not everywhere and they could do really cool. There was an Italian family in there the whole time. There was a kid running around. One of the guys Was and this isn't a I swear This guy was just yelling but he didn't seem angry. He was talking italian or speaking italian

But like it was just it was a whole experience and it was the fucking gnocchi was great Very nice Very awesome How many times you got to walk up and down be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do that. I don't know what that is. My wife made a pot roast with poodles. Jump in the pot roast. Ooh, it's tremendous. Jesus.

I've never been so scared in my life. I got flashbacks of being a kid, which lets you know how fearful I was when I was a child. So my daughter goes to my wife that she wants to try out for some fucking club team. Me and my wife look at each other like, what the fuck? All right, she tries out, we'll hear nothing for two weeks, then we got a call. She made it. All right. Oh, nice.

Practicing the whole thing. Saturday, we show up to a basketball game. It's a nice area. We walk in. It's seven seven eight nice white little girls from fucking Whatever this is called. What do they call that? So very And we look and the whole team were playing is fucking African-american The coach the assistant coach the cheerleaders the whole fucking team and I'm like, oh my god My daughter got herself into a fucking whammy this time And this is what I wanted I wanted to see if she pissed her pants or whatever

They lost 23 to like fucking 10 Wow, but you know what She did really good. She scored. Nice. You know, she forgot. Yeah, she has transitioned to a forward from being a guard. So it was a tough transition. I took her to the courts Wednesday. She was off from school Thursday. I took her to the courts Thursday because I let I could tell she's getting taller. She ain't a guard no more. She's a fucking forward. Now she's a brute. She's a fucking brute. Oh, that's awesome. So we went over there, she lost.

But those sisters were quick and they were good. They were fucking princesses. They were all very sweet. I talked to the parents after the game. They were fucking dynamite. There was one little black girl who looked just like John Morant. She had fucking dreads taking it to the hoop jack. Those little girls were vicious. It was just an enjoyable game to watch. What did Mercy say after losing like that?

Nothing. She got in the car with me and she put on the fucking music and You know, I asked I said you did well. I know you looked a little lost She told me you know, and then my mom's gonna take either tomorrow to shoot some hoops. I don't know. I Don't know. It's gonna rain tomorrow. It's gonna rain tonight. I would have fucked knows anymore I'm going over to what do you got Wednesday night? Wednesday number of this week. Yeah, no next week two weeks from talking nothing This week I have nothing on Wednesday night Wednesday, I'm gonna go over to the dojo. Oh nice. I'll be there then the following week I'm doing a show at poor Rizzi It's on sale already, so hopefully you'll be in town to swing by on the 15th or pick a Wednesday.

You can't, it might be Wednesday. No, I'll do this week because next week I'll be in Boston all week. I'm actually doing the Laugh Boston with Jim Florentine on that week, the 17th. Look at you, you bad motherfucker. Yeah. Still out there. Yeah. So you're gonna, I was thinking about that, I'll lead it over 20 weeks of work. Yeah. If want to get good you do 20 weeks if you really really really want to get good you do 35 Yeah, I'm gonna hit 32. I think and it's but I definitely see a huge difference But it's like that's why I'm so excited to be here in New York I can just do so much And I'm excited because Thursday I have tickets going on sale for Partino, which are on the building.

November 27th, eight o'clock. Tomorrow I'll put it up, the link, and then Thursday you can get the tickets. I'm very excited, Lee, for the first time in a long time. That's awesome. Doing stupid things, I've been writing stupid things, I've been paying more attention. I matured a lot, you know, like I really,

I understand what's happening now, I see the game a little better. I'm gonna attack it from a different situation. Listen, I can retire whenever, three years, 10 years, I don't give a fuck, as long as I feel good, I'm good. In fact, after I fucking went to that before, I went and boxed for a half hour. They knocked the shit out of me today.

The guy told me, because you did really good today. You lasted a lot longer, you're doing four-minute rounds. I'm like, you know what? It's not bad. Okay, I can live with that. It's not bad at all. Do you get like Pumped up still after like a good a good set or even a great set like you

Do you feel like else? Do you have a lot of energy still? on stage Even after even after Well, I think I'm pumped up I'm scared to get involved like off the bat in two shows or one night Right. That's a lot. I'm very scared right now. I don't want to give the people.

I know I got one good one. I got one good 45-minute spot that I can rock the house, give you energy and learn. That's what I'm looking to get. We'll take it from there, one step at a time, Jack. I love it. Before the other, as long as you never go back with just keep going straight never go back Not even that not even to get fucking impulse. You know saying that's old-school fucking hector. Laveau

I love it me three cocksucker. I'll just very quickly I'm gonna be with Josh Wolf and wise guys in Salt Lake City and knitting factory in Boise this weekend What is the Jewish holiday this week? You don't keep or what day is that? I believe it goes Friday to Saturday or Thursday to Friday. Where you gonna be? I'm gonna be in you in Salt Lake City. Look at you. That's good place to be. I'm excited to be a wise guys We'll get Bob there this weekend. That's a great club. Yeah. Hello to the owner He's a dear friend. I've known for a long time absolutely

He's done great things in comedy Keith I've heard my guy man. I had to call Keith and tell him Keith. Let me come up there I know they don't like dirty acts and he goes if you want come, I don't think you'll sell any tickets. And then he realized there was a market for everybody up there. It wasn't all just politically correctness anymore. And he's doing great. He's got clubs in Vegas. Yeah.

He's got clubs in fucking Salt Lake. He's got like maybe three or two in Salt Lake and two in Vegas. So send them my love. Always a great comedy club. I club owner just a dynamite guy I think one of the ones I'm most excited for yeah But that's it cocksucker. Hopefully I'll see you Wednesday night 100% can't wait. They're ready for those mushrooms I'm gonna take them out of the vault tomorrow to call skinny Louie now

How much is getting Louie charge you nothing? He's friends of mine. That's nice. Did he put a safe in his house for you? Any what let me put a safe in this house for you. No, he's got a safe in his house You fuck okay a freezer type thing. You have to keep these at a certain temperature Jesus Christ that can't be good. All right, go do your thing. I love you guys. Love you, buddy. The check-in is brought to you by my favorite, Blue Chew. Listen, fall is here, flowers in the air. You're about to be spending a lot more time indoors

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