Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Once you get that through your head

Episode Date: March 3, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are back and they have a lot to talk about. Joey has rules for his neighborhood, and if you break those rules....there are consequences. Joey tells Lee about his experience performing on the Roast of New Jersey, the only time Joey got a drink thrown in his face and more! SHOW NOTES Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ Get 25% off your first order of MASA Chips with code JOEY @ http://MASACHIPS.com/JOEY  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? The church of what's happening now? What is it? New Edition. New Testament. New Testament is in full effect. It's Tuesday, March 3rd, 2006.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. What up, doctor? Fuck the snow. Oh, sorry about last week. We couldn't get in there fucking snow everywhere. There was a fucking pile of snow out there. I thought that Guthrie mom was under it. Jesus Christ.

That's where they put her. She's in the snow somewhere, that dirty bitch. What if it melted in? Then you found her. Listen, after three weeks on the street, she's nothing. You throw some salt on them, some of that salt they throw on the fuck. Some of the New Jersey salt, yeah. And you put that fucking, dirty feet of snow on that bitch, they'll find the skeleton.

You know what I'm saying? That's it. They'll find it during Halloween. It looks like a fucking decoration. But the snow was real. It was brutal. You know, I enjoyed it. You know, I shoveled the one night.

Fuck it. You're going to die. You're going to die. Only you with a fucking knee that's held together by toothpicks is out of there shoveling. I have a wife that's an animal. She was not going to let this. And I couldn't watch her get a heart attack. So why not pay $60 to have someone come over?

I put her on the snow plow. And I got the shovel and I moved the cars and we threw salt. And, you know, that was like 9 o'clock. At 12, double the snow had been on it. I know. Fuck that. So I said, fuck it. The next morning I got up, and I looked out that window.

I'm like, ooh, Lord. So I called this kid that I always see him. I met him about five years ago. He was like 11 maybe, 10. I met him at the pool, little Yusuf, little gangster fucking Arab kid. Gangster. So I hit him up that morning. I go, Yusuf, I'm an old man.

I need for you to come over and shovel. First thing he says was how much? I said, three bills. He goes, I get two friends with me. I go, I see you this afternoon. Three bills. Damn, I would have come down for three bills. No, but the Russian did it for $150.

I gave him a bill tip. Nice. The Russian and his wife came out with a bobcat. They woke us up at like nine. They're like, what's the story? You guys want it done? Give you a buck 50. I said, do it in 10 minutes.

I'll give you an extra yardstick. You should have seen that rush. They went out there drinking buck. Did you do that as a kid? That seems like something you would do. What? Like go out and say you're going to shovel, but then get the money and not shovel?

No. It's crazy because this can. this was a paradise for money. Yeah. When it snowed, all you had to do was come up to Hudson County Park. If you made it up there, because you'd push everybody. Those 2nd Avenue, all those streets from North Bergen to Kennedy Boulevard, they'd be clobbered with snow.

So all you had to do was stick out. And somebody, you push somebody, you push somebody, you left the house with a shovel because you always had to unburry the tires and shit. Yeah. Sometimes they help you. One motherfucker wanted me to put chains on, I'm like, dog, that ain't going to work. My gloves are thin. You know, my gloves are thin. But you came home, you know, listen, the seventh grade, which is 42, 46 years ago.

40 bucks. You're a king. It was a lot of money. And you came, you shoveled, and some people made 100. They were out there all day. Yeah. The funniest story ever is that New York City hired snow shovelers. Yeah.

30 bucks an hour. Yeah. Okay? And then, you know, people just have no idea. First of all, you, so if you work seven hours, you get 210. Yeah. For eight hours, you get 240, right? Yeah.

And then it's 12-hour shifts. So for four hours, you get 45 hours now. But did you hear what's happening? It's a fucking disaster. I think Sunday night, one of them got hit by a car. He said that my buddy works under the sanitation. He says they were looking at the thing And you could see film of them shooting dice

And drinking and smoking crack and shit Dude, I saw people on Instagram He went there He signed up, got the shovel and went home Yeah, oh no But yeah, that's it But then yeah But they're not getting paid till like May they said

Yeah, I mean listen, it's a paycheck I mean, listen first of all You don't know how to shovel snow See we came from Colorado I'll tell you shovel snow First of all, you ever hear? Jews, the law diminishing returns. It's 10 below out there.

I've shoveled snow like three times in my whole life. I'm only going to get you for four good hours before something freezes and ear. Four hours? Yeah. Four hours is... I don't think I'm even lasting that long. That's the minimum. Four hours, then you take a breather.

You let me know if you want to come back. Your toes are frozen. Your hands are frozen. There are four hours shifts. Nobody's going to make fucking 12-hour ships to snowing. No. That's impossible. Doing this for 12 fucking hours.

What about tomorrow? the next day. So it's just seven or eight hours, but they hired all these guys. But the do was telling me the stories and showing me the videos of them shooting dice. And then the night he went to work. And I was somewhere and he goes, look at this. One of them got hit by a car tonight. He was laughing. I was laughing. They don't give a fuck. Listen, there's a couple places you don't want to get involved. There's a couple places in life you do not want to get involved. you do not want to snows shovel in New York City or upper northern New Jersey

because these motherfuckers wait you with a car and leave you there. Yeah. This is Hudson County. You got to assume only 54% of people have insurance. Okay? Half these Arabs and these Puerto Ricans

and these third world nation Latinos, they got no fucking insurance. They go, they buy a car like at Hudson County Park that's for a month. And they believe it. days you have insurance. Like that I'm an insurance. So you got to drive in Hudson County

on the fucking defensive. Jeez, I know. I thought I've seen. It's like that joke Felipe said. We both had an accident and we looked at each other. I don't have no insurance. Me neither. I love that joke.

That's so funny. Nobody's got insurance. So when you think about that fucking horse you want to get in Hudson County, think again, somebody's going to dent it out of principle. When I lived in Hudson County, I was so angry. If you got a nice car, I just hit it.

I just hit it. I just fucking chicken. With your car? With my foot, with a brick. It didn't matter. This North Burger. You're not supposed to have a nice car. We're all losers here.

This motherfucker's showing up with a BMW on my block. I'll blast that fucking windshield of pieces. I thought that made me think about the guy, the poor guy who parked his car on your block in L.A. And you just started throwing your trash in it because he was there for a couple days. He was there for a month. A month. He threw his body.

I never forget when he, because my block was by the, parking ride. So people would park on my block for free with like Mercedes Benz. You don't do that in my world. You're not going to walk into a Mercedes Benz dealer and then leave for two weeks and park on my fucking street because you want to save the parking with a Mercedes. I can see if you got like a beater Nissan or you're struggling, but these fucking people would put Mercedes fucking bends on my block. Every one of them got scratched. mysterious positions. And I knew when they were leaving for Christmas break.

Some of them would leave for Thanksgiving. And they wouldn't move that fucking car to January 12th. All the tires were flat. I bought one of those things that just takes out the guts. Yeah, it just takes out the gut. They sell something that does that? They sell something that does that? Yeah, right in the thing, it takes out the center so you can fill it up easier.

I forget what it's called. You just put it and go, it's just like the cap that's on it. Okay. I'll take the guts right out. The tire flats. Oh. Okay. It just flattened it.

You can't fill that bitch up again. And I'm going to hit you with four of them. So you ain't got enough fucking tires. So they can't even tow it? They have to bring a fucking flatbed. This is at the end of your vacation. You want to be cheap? I'll teach you what it is to be cheap.

When you bought that car, you bought it because you were a Pimp. Not because you were going to go, well, if I do this, I can't eat lobster two nights a week. No, then don't buy the fucking car. Oh, but you make up, you set these rules and don't tell anybody. You don't have to set this is something that I know. But they had no idea. If you have a call over $20,000 and you're leaving for three weeks, two and a half weeks, take an Uber, leave it at your house.

But you're that cheap to take the fucking Uber to. You want to pay, you want to park on my fucking block, and then take the free bus to Burbank. Really? Not on my watch. Really? Not on my watch. You have like your only neighborhood watch. You have to.

We're part of a fucking community. There was a truck that did it Like the last Christmas I was there A nice truck The back had like one paper in the back When he parked it When he came back He had pounds of cat litter

I didn't even put it in the bag I just took it down the stairs With all the 10 cats That's a lot of shit Oh my God Bar Bha Bha! Anytime I came from a fast food store

Or a restaurant The bag went right in the back of his trunk That was like I'm thinking They're going to go in and get the paper And get my fingerprice Bro, I packed that motherfucker And then I flatten the tires one by one I'll never forget he's out there

With his uncle and shit Luggage everywhere Oh How long did you give him Like how long did he have Before you fucking started putting stuff in there? I gave him like three days Okay

When he wasn't back by December 28th All bets are all Then if he doesn't come back by January 2nd That's when we go off There's a new level That's when there's a new level that's the fucking the four fucking tires

go down one a week every Monday that's all you hear oh my God I still whenever like even they do it a lot in L.A. Like people have like not even just a nice car

not like a BMW but like a Ferrari and they'll parallel park it or put it at like a meter I would there I would be so nervous there's no Ugly Hills, you know, you got no options.

They've got the parking garage. Even still. And they're free. But, I mean, it's like, I'll tell you what else, my pet pee. What's that? If I go into it, like, here and not, I ain't going to say where. I went into a restaurant. That's a nice restaurant.

I saw a truck, which I already hate. Save your redneck, you know, take your redneck ass to Virginia or something. He got a fucking truck with muddle over it. Not even parked in the spot, but parked sideways. Oh, that does piss me off. That goes off. First of all, you're dumping this with your shit. This is a five-star restaurant.

You're here with a fucking truck with mud on it. Then you have the audacity of park sideways. I took the air out. And I told the owner like two days later, I told the owner, he's like, thank God that fucking idiot. Yeah. Somebody's got to do it. You got to straighten people out.

And every time he does it, I'll flatten the tire again. Eventually, he'll figure out not to park there no more. I learned that for myself. stepdad. My stepdad in North Bergen, when he bought that house, we bought that house, that parking spot in front of the house, I don't give a fuck what the paperwork says. That's mine. Listen, I don't know what the property extends there or doesn't. That's mine.

And he had that mental thing. When we pull up at three from the bar, if there was a car there, he parked his car in the garage, and he would just sit there by the window smoking. And at one point, he'd go out there put nails in the tires, do that thing, break his window. We did all that shit. I'd love to do that. Every nights the people aren't going to park the number. You went on giving that terrace.

By the time my mother died, nobody parked in that spot. Nobody, when people were parked there, like, hi. Not there. Not there. That spot's haunted. I used to put potatoes in your tailpipe way before Beverly Hills cop. That came out in 85. I was pulling that shit in 77, 76.

There was a girl on my block. Who I still talked to? Once a week, I love her to death. A mother was having an affair with a dude. a married dude and we got pissed off we used to put potatoes and his Lincoln Confidental

he'd come down the stairs putting his jacket on like Tony Soprano with the tie loose from getting his dicks up and his car wouldn't start for hours Did you ever get caught doing any of this?

Then my stepdad taught me how to put sugar in your gas tank and that's not good sugar and saran wrap in a gas tank so what did the I know the saran wrap but expands

so like it feels like it feels like You have no gas? You have no gas. Or does sugar do? Sugar makes it thick. Sugar, maple syrup. So the whole engine goes.

When you get to the good thing about the, I'm like the brand. It is about to be tax season. The good thing about the saran wrap is that's a ball buster. Because nobody can figure it out. You keep going to service. Service. My car's stolen. I'm going to get fucking killed.

They take the gas tank off. They can't figure it out. They flush the gas tank. unless that little saran wrap don't stick to the top you're gonna keep bringing that car back every fucking time you go to service you know what that does to your mind

that makes you go you know what I'm not even leaving the house no more no that's a mental but you don't want to do that to everybody that's a mental that's at the end when you want them to die because then they'll even sometimes they'll just stall on the highway and they'll get hit by a truck

or something you know what I'm saying so I don't if I sound excited about it you're like oh I hope this happens I can't believe I'm surprised you didn't like partner with a, like a mechanic, just like make some money off of fucking with people. Doug, you have no idea. And it's great.

I hold those little grudges, like certain things, just like it's not going to work. And I got to let you know it's not going to work. I don't think taking the air out of people's tires is a little grudge. Like, that's like some, like, the heavy-duty shit. If I come up to you, Nick, and I go, hey, man, do me a fair from now on. Don't park there. Don't park that way. You're going to go, fuck you, old man.

You're going to resist and say something. When I flatten your tires. And it cost you $28 in the middle of the day, you won't park there again. So why am I getting into an argument with you? You're never going to put it to your head. You're special. Your mom told you you're special, so you can park there.

And I agree with you. I have the same problem. But nobody called me on the spot. I'm calling you on the fucking spot. You don't want to give it to me? That's fine. Fuck you, old man. I'll kick you.

Okay. Listen. Within a week, you'll be driving to work. What happened? Badoo, but do. What happened? The other guy that was busting my ball. at the job when I fucking took the dead mouse

and put in his pocket. He never found it. The next day, he reached in for his cigarettes and crashed the car. I don't give a fuck. You shouldn't have busted my balls. It was him and like three other guys I couldn't fight all of them.

I just sent him a fucking clear and present danger message and they never even looked at me wrong. As fucked up as it is, everyone dreams about it. Like, imagine if you had spent hours shoveling your car out this last week and then someone comes and takes it when you leave. You want to do something to them.

That's brutal. People putting chairs outside. People are putting fucking, you know. And some people are like, fuck those. Some people just take it. Yeah. Yeah. It's brutal. That's why you have to flatten people's ties.

Because I'll tell you, if you think changing the flat is bad, that motherfucker in the snow at 6.30 in the morning when it's cold and you're not even awake yet. You're putting the hinge and the car won't stick. Dude, I can't imagine taking the free bus. from the Burbank airport back to your old house. And I come out with my robe on drinking coffee

and I wave at you as you changing the fucking thing and I give you that look like, what happened? Oh my God. Hey, did you see anybody at half? Fuck you. Fuck you, man. Oh, my God. I ain't got no time for this shit no more like that.

You should do that. You should like put up signs. Like this neighborhood is Joey, Diaz neighborhood watch. I'm not even going to say that. I'm not even going to say that. No. What I say the fucking Joey Diaz?

I can't say the name, but I could inflict the pain. And it's not Joey Dears. It's somebody on this fucking block. We got Chinese people on the block you can blame it on. I got a bunch of people in my block you can blame shit on. But I wouldn't do something on my block unless they started fucking with me. Right.

But the thing is, like, you have a very different interpretation of what fucking with you is. fucking with you is like he parked here and I don't like it I don't blame you it's just listen man when you park on my block and I know you live on the block you're cool yeah but don't come up here park take one of our spots which we all need everybody got enough spots for you to save eight dollars a day because you don't want to put your BMW

there was a BMW that I fucked up on that block a two door they never came back because I would walk in the middle of street my keyout. They get in the car, they're like, I know what happened. You left the airport. This ain't your block. Yeah. I got in trouble once on your block.

And he was very nice, but I was just coming to pick you up. The Mexican guy. Yeah, I left the lights on in my car. And he just came out. I was like, hey, man, your lights have been on for 20 minutes shining into my bill. And I never even thought about it. I think that's what it is. I think most people just don't even think about what.

what they're doing to other people? No, because they're trying to save $4. So fuck me. I'll park here. But now when people go, you're going to Burbank, I'm going to park it. They're going to go, don't do it. Last time I parked, I had three flat tires

and a pound of cat shit. Don't do it. Don't do it. I broke windshield, not windshield, but wipers. That's like the light stuff. That's like the second day. Broke the windshield wiper? Oh, all of them.

That's part of the fucking pop-p-pah. And you just rip them off wiring the whole fucking thing. That's 200 right there. Dude, how bad did the cat litter smell after a week? Oh. Because I can't even... It just turned into chunks because it rained. Oh.

And he had to take it out like a mason. He had to get back there. Bro, that motherfucking truck never parked there again. Oh, that's... Dude, I don't know how you dealt with 11 cats, by the way. I have one cat and I'm like, this is... Ten cats in a two-bedroom apartment. And we had a fucking cat.

can switch the piss things 10 times a day so it wouldn't stink. And even then it was out of control. Oh, yeah. Because we were fucking cleaning all day. Yeah, your place didn't really small, which is crazy. The second house, Foco started peeing.

Oh, yeah? Demi started peeing at night. He didn't like that house. Oh, he didn't. He didn't pee at night. So the living room, you sit and go, who the fuck is pissing? Cats are so...

You've always said they were interesting? And, like, a while ago, I was complaining about the cat. we're cool now But like she does stuff I've had a dog And dogs just like to play Like this

The cat gets upset If the food bowl is not completely full If she can see to the bottom of it at all She gets pissed If she doesn't have a soft blanket on the couch She gets pissed And she'll come whack you And then the worst part

Is she'll just sit in the dark And just like stare at a wall You ever wake up at like 5 in the morning and then your cat just staring at a wall? He sits by the doorstep, not anymore, and she looks out into the hallway. So I read up on it, they're guarding you. Oh, okay.

And when you sleep, they actually jump on the bed to see if you're breathing. They're protecting their investment. Oh, yeah. They don't fuck around cats. She makes rounds every night. That's what they do because after midnight. She's like a little security guard.

After midnight, they become hunters. So they're looking for anything. They got fucking tremendous eyesight in the dark. They could be looking. I shake. Yeah, and they go that way. You can see a rat or something. After midnight, they change.

That's why when you get two or three cats, come out there after midnight and watch the hum in the living room. They're hunters, and the moon affects them. Really? Yeah, they're hunters. You got to read up on this shit. This isn't no fucking okie dope, this ain't thrilling, bitch. Listen, I'm down with this cat so much now.

Oh, she knows my sleep habits, so she sit on top of the stairs. And meow for me to come up. Because she's too old to jump on the bed. So she asked me to pick her up. Oh. So I have to actually pick her up. So today I heard it and I'm like, I'm not tired yet. About 1.15, I got, I'm going up.

And I went into the bathroom. She was wide away. She sits by the heater in the bathroom. Oh, they love heaters. What are you fucking doing? I mean, she puts her head all the way in the fucking heater. You see her mouth drooling and shit. So I just come in now and go, great.

But she was awake. and I can see by her face she wants attention. She's looking at me, well, every time I move and I go, great. Want to take a nap with Daddy? I should just look at me for like a minute. Great, come on, let's take a nap with Daddy. As I start going, she's up. It's fucking crazy.

She's up. She walks, sits, and waits me to pick her up. I got to hug her and kiss her for a minute. I put her on the bed. Then she shoots to my side. When I sit down before I put the sleep apnea, a mascot. She always sits right here so I can turn and hug her and scratch her and scratch it until the nose gets wet. Oh, the nose does get wet.

That's the secret. You got to scratch their face. Okay. Once they lick your fucking boogie, their boogie fingers off your finger. Okay. You're good. So I lay down, I put the, I sleep apnea. I put the mask out and put the blankets over my head.

Do you really? So the only thing that comes out is a hose. Yeah, I don't even want to see daylight. I've got it down to a science, Jack. Oh, my God. And eight minutes later, I could feel she was on my legs, and then I knew something was up with her. And she started crawling on. And I heard her right here, and she starts making her like faggy meows.

Well, she wants to talk to me. Yeah. And that means I got to turn over, hug her, and then pick up the blanket. Okay. She'll go right under. Put the blanket down. I turn around. I kind of scratch every couple minutes because her nose goes on my back and I can feel her whiskers tickling.

So I got to push her head back. Gray, stop taking up with my fucking whiskers. I get up an hour later. Yeah? She's passed out, drooling. I leave, go, do my errands. I'll come back upstairs at 6.30 to take a shower. She's still on those fucking blankets.

God. I have to fucking pick her up. Great, go eat. She sleeps like all day? All day. I go chicken terriaki. She loses her fucking mind. Oh, yeah?

I get chicken cut it up. Put some fucking Korean red sauce on it. You put the hot sauce on it? Sarachi? Oh, that's my shit. That's, no, I take the chicken and I clean the sarachi off. Oh, okay. But she'll eat four fucking pieces of chicken, then go, wham, I'm going to bed.

And that's it. The chicken puts it the fuck out. When are you getting a dog? When this one passes away, God forbid. Oh, okay. You're going to wait for that. Okay. A dog and two other cats.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, two Siamese's when they're young, so everybody grows up together. Wow. Everybody grows up together. So everybody grows up swatting each other eating cats. food, sniff of each other's assholes, you know, it's all confusing for them. I still don't know how to pet her. I'm still scared of that.

Like, I'll let her, I put my hand out, and it's like, I let her rub against me. And that's where we're at now. I always remember, before you touch a cat, you got to put love in your hand. Okay, number two, and this is what people don't understand, but this is the cat psychology. That cat ain't sleeping on the bed with you. he's allowing you or she's allowing you to sleep on the bed with them. Mm-hmm.

You know, I went to somebody's house about a month ago and the mother had a cat and she's like, this cat doesn't talk to anybody, you know. Cat came up to me, I gave her a minute. I put love in my hand and I started patting, the motherfucker jumped and then sat on me, which makes me nervous because they start clawing you. Oh, yeah.

And you're like, what the fuck? And I just started hugging her and scratching. her nose started dripping. And she's like, people come over all the time. She hides. How come she came out here and said, sit with you? Because I know the psychology of them. Yeah.

You're not in the, you're not, they're not in your house. You're in their house. Oh, yeah. Because they never leave. No. So that switches everything around. When you think about it that way, like any, anytime you see them, like if I'm in the bathroom and she won't move and I'm like, great, get the fuck out of the way.

I'm trying to brush my fucking teeth. and she won't move. You got to, like, push them, like, get over. So it's a different psychology. But once you understand all that shit about the cat and the females are different than the boys. Yeah. It's a fucking world with zone.

We have a girl. And the same thing exists with dogs or if you get a penguin or whatever. I don't know, but dogs are just, dogs are dumb, I feel like, but, like, in a great way. They, like, the dogs I had, they just want, they just want to, you to rub them and play with them. And, like, they're just. You got like a neighborhood Jew dog.

You didn't spend no money. Oh, no, we spent money. I'm talking to me. You got a nice dog now. Yeah, no. I already looked at the German Shepherd. How much do they want? A lot.

Yeah. A lot. Because then you got to get the good papers. You know, you got a German shepherd. You don't want like a faggy German. You want a fucking Nick. You want a Hitler. You know, you got a German sheper.

You want Hitler. If I get a girl, I'm not spayed. That means don't walk in that fucking house. What are you going to do with her? You put papers on the floor when she gets a period. Stop. Why?

Because they get, fuck, it's a different type of animal. I'm old. I need somebody to bite your fucking face on. You know? Yeah. You don't spade or female German Shepherd? And they become really possessive. Like, my mom had one.

That motherfucker, you couldn't get 10 feet around her purse. Okay. When I was a kid, you couldn't get around her purse. You didn't have to go by a purse. You just didn't even know her purse was there. man, you sat down and she's ground her. Is it just going to be

Mercy's dog? You're going to give it to mercy so it like protects her? Well, kids always want a dog until they get there. Then nobody wants to walk them. Nobody wants to clean their ass. It's too cold.

It's too dark. That's my dog. Okay. You know, again, when parents, I'm going to get a dog for her. She's going to, no, she's not. No, she's not. That little bitch only knows

how to feed it and how to sleep with it and take pictures and put in that stupid little fucking purse of this. They know nothing else about a fucking dog. So you're stuck with this dog.

Yeah. So when you get a dog, at least you know who the fucking who's going to be put with the strain. It's going to be me that has to walker. The first six months, you have to shit in the garage. What are you going to pick it up? Are you going to pick up the poop? Yeah, it's my fucking dog. I just can't leave it there to grow flies.

Oh. No, you've got to pick up the poop. No, I'm going to call some Mexican people to come over and sanitate my house before ice gets. Did you see New York? That's what was coming up when the snow melted. What? 800, 800 sheds. Because no one picks it up.

Then we just let the dog shit and then the snow melted. It was like San Francisco. But again, listen, much of a fucking redneck are you? You're going to buy a great day and put them in an apartment in New York. Just to be cool. Oh, yeah, big dog. And they're all over there. It's all over New York.

You go to New York, it's the ugly of the dog to see who gets the most attention. They don't even know nothing about the dog when they purchase them. They're just looking for the attention. Yeah. You know, there was a thing. Did you ever watch Game of Thrones? No. There was a thing when Game of Thrones was out there because they all, like, in the show,

each kid had one of like the wolf dogs. So like a few years later in L.A., there were hundreds of like at the shelters because of Game of Thrones got the wolf dogs and they didn't realize that there was like a fucking, like it's not like a Shih Tzu. It's a real wolf. It's a wolf. Yeah. And people give them back.

Yeah. That's it. That's what happens. People give them fucking back. I can't imagine. They change. Can you imagine that with a life? Like when L.A., when the pandemic came, people were finding dogs on poles everywhere.

Just to walk away from your fucking dog like that, it's just, it's just, that's animalistic. People are awful. But people get a dog for a fucking quick minute until the dog shits two times. They pick up both shits, and then they go, you know what? I didn't see that in the program. I didn't think about that. I thought a blue bird was going to just come down and pick up the shit. And they'll drop them the fuck off.

And it's so sad. Yeah. It's so fucking sad that that's the word is shallow. Mm-hmm. Like you're that fucking shallow. And then they lied. It happened to the dog. Oh, my God.

We gave him back to my mother because she needed him. She got cancer. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You put him at some fucking dump in Culver City. You know, it's just. And these are the people that you see that's supposed to. I have class.

These are the people you see with their fucking $2,000 purses, you know, and that's how they act. So who, you know, it's terrible. At the end of the week, who gives a fuck? You look at those guys, I'm giving the advice. When I was your guy's ages, I half gave a fuck. And I didn't feel good about it. Now I don't give a fuck. And it feels just fine.

Because this is how you should be thinking. If you walk around all day, well, the way. Listen, nobody, it's like the last two days on every sports, every news channel. What's the first thing they say? Oh, yeah, Iran, bombed, whatever. My heart goes out to the three heroes. Nobody gives a buck about those three heroes. Nobody gives a buck about those three heroes.

Why are you saying? Nobody even knows who they are. Just a couple fucking white people from Indiana would go, that's a shame, you know. I don't know what that was fucking soul. soldiers are. No. Everybody makes believe like they care.

And that's why you got to take it back to Chaz Pomerantary. Nobody cares. And when you get that in your fucking head in life that nobody gives a fuck, they all give a fuck when you're having cocktails and drinks. But at the end of the day,

they're so involved in their lives now, especially with the internet and appearances and what's important. You've got to have a car if you're a man. You've got to have a watch. You've got to have 80,000. Who said this? Who says this type of shit?

Speaking of that, and I don't know what's happening. Have you seen Jim Carrey? No, I don't give a fuck about that dude. Who gives a fuck? It's a body double or something. I don't think it's a body double, but his face...

These people fuck around with that shit. They do all that shit on their face. Listen, I'm 63. That breaks my heart. I shoot peptides in my knee. Okay. I shoot peptides. of my arm for recovery before the surgery and all this shit.

But where do you think I'm going to take a needle and stick it in my eyeball? Listen, I don't look too good as it is. I'm going to go messing with this. Half of them. When you see them, you're like, what the fuck happened to her eyes? Yeah, all of them.

But if you notice, it's, and even though you know it don't look good, they still go do it. Because they've got to be a partisan. Did anyone ever try to get you to do plastic surgery? All the time. Are you fucking crazy? I know you wouldn't do it, but no one, no doctor.

Everyone was like, we can lift this and tuck that and liposuction? No, no. Wow, I'm surprised. What makes you think I would go, you know what? No, I'm not saying you would do it. I'm saying a doctor. I want to stay young. Listen, I looked 50 when I was 21.

Okay? I looked 50 when I was 21, like most of the kids around here. Yeah. We looked old when we were fucking kids. So for me to go in there now, I want to save the, few years on my comedy career. I'm going to slice this. As soon as I hit the stage, Joey's going to look like a goofball.

You just lost all your credibility, the whole thing. And you don't look better. You look like a fucking Martian. You look like Lionel Richie, you know. And I'm not saying nothing bad about it. I'm a fan of Lionel Richie. Even the girl I love. The girl who was married to the Scientologist, Tom Cruise, the blonde that's on that fucking show.

show with the Nicole Kidman Nicole Kidman when was Jenna Elfman married to Tom Cruz I don't even know Jenna Oh my God So It looks like you're doing something when you know when like a therapist makes you count to 10 So you don't have like a like an anger out person What is this a fucking 3D podcast?

This is two people talking there's no fifth fucking wall He's been doing this for two weeks like getting in the conversation like No there's no microphone on you So it sounds like for the 80th time, it sounds like you're just blurbing something. And the people are at home going, what the fuck is going on? You follow me, Doug?

I don't hear you. Jenna Elfman. It's what I got to live with. Hey, Uncle Joey here. For starters, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, International Women's Day is this March. Do something nice for the women in your life. And go to therapy, maybe.

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You're going to be happy you did. Ah, ah, ah. So what did Nicole Kidman do? She did surgery. Okay. So her eyes look kind of like creeped up. Oh, it's... I can't imagine.

Jim Carrey was like my idol growing up. Because you're an idiot. Jim Carrey, that's also true. He was good. The third liar, liar. The mask, liar, lie or lie. Then that's it. I was done.

After that, the one movie he made with the kid where he was a creepy guy, the delivery man, or whatever. And then that's it. It just got old. It was like, I don't know. I met him at the comedy store and I did work for him. No. They forget.

They forget. They forget that they were one of Mitsy Shore's children. And they forget that you've got to be respectful to fucking people, especially your proper Marines. They're Marines. We all did the same type of time together. So those people forget, and that's why they're days off. Look at Roseanne Barr.

She's turning into Mitsy Shaw. Sounds like her, looks like her, acts like her. It's fucking insane. Wow. I haven't seen her in a minute. She's old. Yeah. She's old.

than I am, but she's become Mitzie Shore. Yeah, Jesus. But that, her story is crazy. Just how, like, how, how she blew up. Why do you think there is no Mitzie Shore now? Like, why do you think no, like, no club has a Mitzie Shore anymore? Because they're all faggots, dressed up like cowboys. That's why.

Because somebody wants to be an assistant manager for three years. Then they become manager because they're, manager got fired, and now they're fucking authorities. And then you got to go on there and go, that's great. But let me show you how it's done. Because they forget, they think they have three years in the club. You got 30 years on stage, 20 years on stage, even 15 years on stage, even 10 years on stage. I know a little bit more than you do.

So you're coming in here, disrespect to me. It's like when we go to clubs and there's a 20-minute video on the front. But every comic makes fun of it, but I love that you go, but we're not playing that anymore. Because the next day I went home and told my agent, mental thought, if we play there, or there's two clubs. No more fucking video of front, or we're not doing it. No more video off front. You know what? I'll go up there and promote next week.

That's all you should be promoting anyway. But for me, the city of a 15 minutes and tell you who's coming in fucking June right now, you already got two drinks in you. You're not going to remember this. So why are we doing this? May 14th. Pete Patello will be here, May and 19th. Ralphie May will be here. Hold on.

Let me take my fucking feather out. Yeah. And write down these dates. So, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that to the fucking people. They don't need the information. That's awesome. You put the things in the front on the thing.

And it's so, it's like when Theo shot the special. When I went over there, as soon as I walked in, I was like, fucking furious. Because I'm like, these people have no idea. No idea. I'm whatever. I'm there to work, right? Mm-hmm. I drive an hour up here.

I pull up. There's a parking spot. I park in it. Walk in that fucking door. I'm not even in the fucking door. And all three you're on me. Hey, the podcast needs to be done at six. Fannie called.

We need a video. We've got to be head by seven. No. Let me come in. Let me pee. Let me grab a soda. Say hello to you motherfuckers. I was everybody doing.

And then... And hit me with it. Mm-hmm. That's part of that whole job. And they have no idea. Bro, I wasn't even... I was on the street and I had five people already. You're going to go upstairs.

And I'm like, really? So in those situations, you're the talent. You got to go, this ain't going to work. And they'll come back. Oh, well, it ain't going to work. We're not doing this tonight. Once you're going to take money out of that pocket, then no way.

It's all over. You're not, anything they say, then I've got to cancel the show. So now you got them over a battery. You want to do your way? You go out there and be the thing. Give me the fucking jacket. No, no, no, no, no.

Five grand more grand. No, okay. Yeah, because you open your mouth. Who the fuck are you? You're a theater manager. club manager, you know nothing about what we do. You have an idea, and I appreciate you. I have an idea what Georgie does.

With frames, I have an idea. I don't know what the fuck he does. I know what the fuck he does. I can't go into his place and go, I wouldn't do that. You just wouldn't do that shit. But that's the problem with, and they do it to all of us at every level.

No matter what level you're at, as you're young, you're like, why are they doing this? When you're a young comic, I guess I got to listen to this shit. Yeah. You know, what time is the sound check? What are we, Led Zeppelin? Me, me, me. We could do that when we get there at 745.

Yeah. Everything is more work. Like to be professional, I don't want to be that profession. There's a show. It's just the show. We do these every fucking night. You used to freak me out when I first started and like the ice house would start at 8. You'd be like, be at my house at 720.

We'd get fucked up and get there. Like you'd pull in. at 802. Yeah. I don't. How many times if you got there and they come in the back

and go, we're going to hold the show for 20 minutes? Every time. So then what are we doing? What are we doing? What the fuck are you doing? We're doing the same shit

over and over again. If I walk in there a quarter of fucking eight, it's going to be fine. Because all your rush, I'm in the building. The casinos. We need you at seven.

Not a chance. Not a chance. chance. Like this thing I did Saturday. I wanted you there at four. What time did it start? Eight. What time did you get there? Six. That's earlier than I would have expected. That's fine. But two hours, you don't know. That's just going to get me hot. I'm going to get anxiety. I'm going to start walking around. I brought a joint with me, you know. But no, I'm not doing that. But that's a waste of anybody. I wouldn't ask that from anybody. Four hours. It's eight minutes. That takes ten minutes to write down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are we there for four hours? Because you want it. It's a power trip, man. We need to. You want this. You can feel better about you. I got them here four hours. No, you didn't.

I'll tell you I'll be there at four. Good luck. And they called me one time, ask me. Call me. Where are you? I'm not going to affect the people in Philly, but always call me on the drive. You're not getting here at five to meet everybody?

Yeah, yeah, wait for me. It's 7.30. And they're still calling. I feel like you add 10 minutes for every call. Yeah. You just slow down. No, I take a U-turn and start all over. It's crazy.

Yeah. You know, there's a good story about Kevin Fitzgerald. And again, this is the other reason why I didn't stick to rules. Kevin Fitzgerald was a bodyguard to Bill Hicks. No, sorry. Bill Hicks worked at Denver Comedy Works, and he brought a bodyguard. And the bodyguard went up to Kevin Fitzgerill before his second show, He goes, Mr. Hicks, doesn't want you to do any of that marijuana material because he covers it.

And he didn't say a word, Kevin Fitzgerald. He thought about it. He goes, fuck him. Fuck him. I'm doing it. He went up there. He did the joke when he got outstage. Bill Hicks came up to him and said, you're my new opener on the road.

Whoa. I wanted to see if you were going to play along to the rules. Damn, and I would have definitely not done the joke. You're atomic. This is America. When am I going to tell you not the fucking... So many people would... Did they say it, though?

They're pussies. A lot... Everybody's a pussy as a headline. They're all pussies. Oh, you can't do this. Then don't consider yourself a headline. Say it for somebody else that doesn't mind the challenge. You don't do it.

But if you're going to get grabbed... I didn't like when you said mother because I do a bit about my grandmother. Go fuck yourself. You and your grandmother could both go fuck yourself. You can fuck about your grandmother. That's, that's, because I don't know, I think, when did you have that mentality the whole time?

Or it took a few years? I started getting it when I moved to L.A. Because now I got something to talk about. Right. Now I got a like to stand on it. I'm at the fucking comedy student. You know what I can tell me? You're going to tell me.

Yeah. I'm in there with 60 years of experience before me. They tutor you every fucking night, But you're going to tell me something different. It's not going to work. I love it. But I had a big time showcase at the South Bend, Indiana, Funny Bone. It was Michelle Walker.

A lot of people don't even know of Michelle Walker's. We know the dreamers. Michelle Walker is a community there. It's outside Michigan, Indiana border. Yeah, because what is it? What did you say? Yeah. And I did, I booked the showcase there.

And I got there, and I walked in. It's a headliner. I hated all my life. And I knew he's going to come up to me with his bullshit, you know. We don't do this. I sell books after the show, so don't say the word book. Dog, I went out there and fucking destroyed. 30 minutes on books.

Didn't even give a fuck. I got off the stage like, man, you'll never work with me again. I don't give a fuck. This is just a guess that. You think I'm somewhere in my itinerary, it says I can't wait to play the Funny Bone Notre Dame? What do I give a fucking Notre Dame? I got a GED.

What do I give a fuck about Notre Dame? game the fuck out of here. I'm going to listen to what the, what comedians? You became a comedian because you couldn't handle a day job. You became a comedian because you didn't like people looking over your shoulder. And you became a comedian. So, number one, nobody could tell you what the fuck to do. That's a very tough thing.

It's like opening up your own business. You didn't open up an own business because you're going to make all this money. Some people open up business, they don't want people looking over their shoulder. They don't like people asking them where the fuck they're going. Some people love that shit. I'll be here at 8 with donuts. I don't know. Maybe 9.30, maybe 10.

Let's see what happens. I'll wake up. That's it. And if you happen, not that you don't do that every day. You're going to show up an age. Right. But you know what I mean? People just put this in point because they got nothing in their lives.

And that's all they have to focus on. And you feel bad for a while. I'm here 15 hours a day, nine days a week. You got a girlfriend. You ain't got a cat. I'm not going to get a girlfriend. You're half mute. You look like fucking.

a Martian, you know. I had a few of those in LA. This is their life. And they're so miserable, that's why they yell at work. And you're like, what do I need this for? So you open up with your own business.

Whether it's carpenter, you take a bump for two years just so you can work for yourself and earn yourself. And at one point, if you try to please everybody, you're not going to please them. That's crazy.

You give me a joke, come over, paint that wall. I come over, I paint the wall, but you know what? George, it's the edge, the molding. I'm going to do that on the house. When I do it and the people come back and they don't say thank you.

You missed the spot. So I might as well be a scumback. Yeah. Look at those Jews I was showing you before. The I.E.A. Jews. There's an AI rabbi that you love so much. Fucking the guy drops knowledge all this. KRS 1.

Knowledge that's important. Like people need to see this shit. Oh my God. I have to find his name so people can go find him because it's the funniest. guy talks about right now Americans are watching a war with Iran. Tully doly, duly, you're sitting there with anxiety. Meanwhile, I'm investing in this, that, this, that.

The rabbi's blueprint. It's a rabbi every time you see him, he's in front of a different, like, vacation house. I don't know. Whoever's creating it, it's the same rabbi, but he's like giving like, I have to be honest. I feel like you're the one who's writing this stuff for him. We both talk the same language.

No bullshit, no nonsense. I don't want to hear your shit. Get to it. Shit or get off the fucking pot. That's it. We ain't got time for this shit. You ain't got time for bleed. No.

If I fucking didn't do things because of how bad I felt there, I wouldn't do anything. My knee is in fucking pain. My throat hurts today. I was around 20,000 people two nights in a row. Friday night I go to a kid's party. Okay. Fucking tremendous. What happened?

I took some medibles. I brought my whistle. They didn't know what the fuck. Oh, my God. I forgot about that whistle. You were just blowing the whistle of kids? Yeah. Every time I, there were some old people.

Every time I hit the whistle, the whole table would jump. I was like, this is fucking tremendous. Oh, my God. What kind of kids party? 13-year-old girls. 12 girls are a thing. And then her parents, my wife, their mom,

and another, we went to the fucking thing. What would happen if you went to that sober? How long would you last sober at a birthday party? Two minutes. Two minutes. I went in there stone to the gills. I hadn't taken edibles because of the snow and shit. I took like fucking 800 milligrams.

I found one of those last gummies, and I took two of those Carmel things. And I took a coating pill for my niece, so it all hit at the same time, you know what I'm saying? I didn't drink, though. I didn't drink. I just did bon hits like a motherfucker. just giggled. The food was okay.

You know, I just giggled. It was nice to just be out of the house. Watch the girls. They were all fucking fucking shit. And then I went out for a little while and then I met them later on. And there was more food and fucking... Nice. Nutella pizza with

strawberries and bananas and shit. I'm like, I'm not eating that stuff. No? I'm not a big Nutella guy. Me either, to be honest with you. It's fine, but it's not... They also have Nutella... Not yokey. Dumplings?

Tell us something else. And they're not bad. I can eat one of them, but I can't eat. Yeah, it's a lot of chocolate, but it was good. It was good. And then Saturday had that thing.

How was it? It was tremendous, bro. It was really nice to be a part of something. Like, I feel bad because everybody talks about Austin, everybody talks about L.A., everybody talks about the New York comedy scene. There was a nice little comedy scene in Jersey.

And now we've got to figure out how to capitalize on it through the dojo and maybe through the stress factory or something because it's just a nice little comedy family in Jersey. Nobody's fronting, nobody's acting like that Johnny Gumbats, you know, whatever. So you did the roast of New Jersey? Yeah. And did you, it was like a Netflix roast, but like everyone roasted each other and like you just roasted New Jersey? I didn't know half the people there, so I didn't roast them. I didn't have time to roast people. I'm not a roaster. I said something about Rich boss being a real Jew

I talked about That's a that's a nice thing You know everybody's picking on Natalie Cuomo I know her and she's such a fucking sweetheart I didn't want to say anything to it And then when I saw her I'm like I definitely can't do the joke Because she's just such a sweetheart to me

All the time I really like Natalie Cuomo And the joke got two people Went up there and said she got stinky pussy And when she drives in Jersey The smell is her pussy and shit And I went up then Listen, Natalie, I don't want to, I could be your dad. So it's embarrassing for me.

But I shouldn't say your pussy's stinky. You got all those tattoos, it's more inky. It's like fucking that ink squid, maranara. Oh, my God. So you got good pussy. Well, I'm concerned, but I'm not going to say nothing. And I felt bad when I said, pussy in front of her face looked at me like, no, Joe. Oh.

So I just stopped there. And I just, it was a roast of New Jersey. So what they wanted me to do was to go up there first. Okay. perspective of being gone for 35 years. Right. What's happened. Okay.

And then go, but fuck you. Jersey's, this is why I love Jersey. Oh, okay. So for me, I could do that on my back. Yeah. Yeah, you do love Jersey. I just did a couple North Bergen things with the teachers and fucking, you know. And did anyone make fun of you?

Yeah. Did it hurt your feel? Like, that's, people ask me to do roast and I'm like, I'll fucking get real upset. Listen, it's a roast, okay? Some people said something about me. knapting somebody that I got more skin, I need more bone,

that got too much skin from the body, you know, shit like that, but nobody, you know, there's a line of the roast. You know, the only roast I didn't like

and I hated the guy after that, I saw him one night, was the guy who tormented Ralphie Mae that night. Oh, yeah. He talked about his kids

and his wife. That's a different thing. That's when the microphone just hits you in the fucking head. You know, and that's why I never got involved in roast. I don't want to,

to judge him. Yeah. I don't want to do nothing because I'm not cut from that style. I know you 30 years. You want to fuck with me? Bring it. You're not lying. Right.

But if you don't know me. This motherfucker saying shit about kidding, I don't know you. I don't know you. I don't know some guy named gags. I don't know any of this shit. Oh, I would have loved to see you throw a microphone at someone's head. No, but the funny thing was, even with the hearing aids, I couldn't hear nobody. I was just sitting there.

smiling, shit, like waving. Then I thought, you know, I was sitting there for a long time. I must have popped two edibles while I was sitting on the couch. I popped two of those 100 milligram Carmel's. Oh, my God. Dude, did you ever see Jamie Fox fucking with that guy in that roast? Yes. That's one of my favorite videos.

I know that guy really well. Oh, no. Is he okay? That guy sold the show that he put me on. He was a very nice guy. I'm going to tell you what happened. Okay. Before you're even saying anything.

Go for it. He's a sweetheart. Doug. Okay. Doug's a sweet. I just saw that about a month ago. I popped up on my YouTube. Yeah.

I was like, holy shit. I forgot about this. I always told you there's places where you belong. And there's places where you don't belong. You just have to be smart enough. Even if I come to you go, no, no, no, no, Lee.

Come, come, come. They're going to love you. You're going to go, Joey, I don't belong there. I just don't jizz with those guys. There's no, it's Shaq. It's a bunch of black dudes that are on, and he sold the show. Nobody knows him as a comic.

Right. He found him, Santhian. And that was, I was with that agent. Years ago, Jim Callum, good agent, good guy, but he gave him bad advice that day.

He told him to show up. He got married. He did a couple jokes that didn't work, and then Jamie Fox just started talking into the mic, he's like, I'm really fucking up right now. Yeah. I should just leave.

Now I wish Jamie would have me on his movies. Yeah. He was fucking leveling into him. And I felt bad it ruined this career. Did it really? I think so. I think the wife left him. Oh, no.

That's, dude, getting bombing so bad that your wife leaves you is brutal. Well, where do you go from there? Look at his shirt. With the shirt he out. compared to everybody else then. Just the shirt alone tell you. I don't remember what kind of shirt did he have? Just like a Seism robot.

Oh, okay. You got Emmett Smith, you got Jamie Fox, you got the black chick, you got all these people that were working theater comics at the time. You don't belong that. He's on a ship now. I know I've seen him on a cruise with somebody.

Okay. Good guy, good guy. But just those things where somebody says, hey, let's go to this HBO party. You're like, you know, I got $4 on my bank account. You could fake the funk, like Jackie Gleason. I could put a five in my pocket and going there with new shoes like a Puerto Rican and a suit on with sparkling teeth.

But you are what you are, and they're going to recognize. And who, what's he doing here? He doesn't belong here. But that's at half the Hollywood parties. If you started calling people, like, why are you here? I worked on the movie for 13 days. I didn't see you one time. Well, I'm friends with the castor.

I came to support them. No, you didn't come to support them. You came to see what you could get. There's nothing here. These are all people that work. You don't. You don't belong here. It's very tough to digest that.

And I did. We think Rogan didn't invite me to NBC things all the time? I don't need to be there. Don't need to be there. Nobody's going to talk to me. Nobody's going to want to see me. And my fucking, in a comedian's perverted mind, Yeah, I'm going to go on there and cut a deal.

No, you're not. No, you're not. Look at your shoes. Look at your fucking sneakers. Who's going to cut a deal with you? You got dirt all over them. You got shoes and you forgot to polish him. Why are you even here?

They look at all that shit. That's all that scene is. If you're a black guy, if you don't have dreads in L.A. now, one sticking sideways, then I'm not going to talk to you. But, dude, the fucked up thing is, I think, the opposite.

anytime anyone invites me anywhere, I'm like, they don't want me there. Like, I shouldn't be there. No, there's places where you do belong. There's a Christmas party at the stand. I do spots at the stand. Not I don't. Right.

But I'm there twice a week. That's my party. Right. Yeah, other comics are going to cover the idea. And again, you look at them like, what the fuck? Give it a breather. Yeah.

Let them miss you. Let them miss you. Let them have a reaction to you. you're not even letting them do that and that's why i stayed out of all that shit ever even after the fact lee tell him i stayed out of all that shit all of it i don't i don't belong there i did the music thing where you jump with the band oh yeah the goddamn comedy jam that's it and they had to beg they had to ask you for a while oh for like a year and a half until i said i'm doing it but on my terms i'm doing my soul that was great that was that was a fun night because

I'm not dog. I went to the last party I went. I took my wife. It was a showtime party for that comedy thing with Jim Carrey. Dying up here. Dying up here. It was a Monday night. I get there.

The place is a fucking dump. It's upstairs. All this foo-foo shit. They got fruit and cocktails that my daughter made them. They're that fucking weak. And I'm surrounded with 80 people. I haven't seen in years. They just get dressed up and come out for these things.

And I looked at my wife. I was there for like 10 minutes ago, I read time. We ended up going to rails for dinner. Oh, that's better. Yeah. But it was like, what are we doing at these things? We're too old. We're too old.

Look at this. It's just people talking that have no right to be here. No reason. No leverage. No writing anything. Yeah, but you're going to go meet people. But then it's going to bottom out because you ain't got nothing. So when they call you into the meeting the next day,

what are you going to tell them? I got a story. Yeah, well, North Bergen, I grew up, and then I don't want to hear that shit, dog. Unless you know how to make money to it, add money to that. That's all they want to hear. So all that shit. But even then, like, I bet they don't want the money.

Like, especially, like, if you're there, maybe, if I go to a party and I see Quentin Tarantino, and I have a movie, like, he doesn't want to hear my movie idea. No, not at a party when he's coked up. Unless you give him a line of coke, and then he'll, yeah, I love that idea. Call my receptionist in the morning. That's an Academy Award.

When the next day you call his receptionist, they're never going to call you back. No. He lost respect for you. He realized who you were in the morning. He's a dirty Coke feeling like him. Trust me. The only way they'll talk to you is why you go,

oh, that's a great idea. I could get James Colbrook. I get Brad Pitt for that. I'll get a little Neil and out. And you're there giving him coke all night. Fuck it. All the dealer. I'm going to be a millionaire in three days.

Keep giving Leonardo Coke, whatever his fucking name is. Call them in two days. Once the powder runs out. Oh. You think they're going to call you back? Unless they're in a pitch. Don't call you, because it happened to me, don't call you something like a 12.

Out of six months, you've been calling. Hey, how you doing? Man, where you been? I've been busy shooting a movie. Hey, can you talk to that guy for me? Quick. But then you're just a Coke guy to him. Yeah, you're just a Coke guy.

That sucks. So these are all the things. You've got to watch that. You don't know until you find out, until you get involved with it. When you go to those parties, people watch you. They're dying for you to do a line of coke. I went to a party where everybody knew the guy was an alcoholic. Okay.

And he was drinking. Everybody was waiting for him to lose his mind because he's that much of a fucking drunk. I remember people coming up to me. I'm going to stay here until he cracks. Sure enough, I left. I left when the eye was fucking. He was looking at people, like, going to attack him. Fuck, I don't need that.

I don't, I never wanted to be, I didn't get into comedy to try to be a high society guy. I had to go to a party and walk around with a martini and so what do you do? My name is Christa. Oh my God, what a beautiful name. But now, and it doesn't sound like this was that kind of party, but how does it feel now to be like at like the roast of New Jersey,

like on the fucking? I got to be honest to you. There was no, I mean, listen, some of those women We're a little on the, you know, we only shop at dunguitos and lovely hills. But everybody else was there was pretty much check. I mean, there's a new thing in New Jersey where you have to be built, tattoos, and jewelry, and a nice watch. All these guys look the same. They're ugly as fuck.

Go on Facebook every weekend. You see where that girl parties. She just followed me again, that poor best. She's 63, my age, and she drinks. Lori, whatever. You got to see the guy. she hangs out with. I wouldn't take these guys to a fucking funeral.

They got no game. And it's awful. Awful with giant shirt on to the club. Come on. It's Friday night, dog. A Yankee hat on with champion. Get up. Come on.

That's for fucking baseball games. This is a club. You're trying to get a piece of pussy. And you're walking in with a Yankee hat. Yeah, look at me. Okay. The bottom line is the bottom line. Yeah.

When you go to a club on a Friday night, women don't want to hear about the Yankees. They want to hear about how you're going to suck their pussy differently than anybody else stuck their pussy. I know any of these guys are going to suck your pussy and you're going to come, but I'm going to make you see Russians. You know what I'm going to lick you. My tongue spins this way. That's all they want to know. I got a 10-foot dick.

And if you break it, another one comes out like a shark's tooth. You know what I'm saying? So don't worry about it. That's what they want to hear. They don't want to hear about real estate. I can't wait to hear it. You get Vox seasons at the Yankees. Yeah, this year, the pitching is going to be good.

It's Friday night. Either you're going to suck my twat, give me a Coke rock, a fucking hit a MET or Exorcet or whatever they do to jump up and down. Oh, go home. Go home. Leave me alone. Yeah, leave me alone. And we're from another cut.

Like, I'm old school. Right. I'm not going to give you that little. Listen. Just give them. Dude, I would love. It's Friday night. It's Friday night.

I got an eight ball. That little miniskirt. I'll shove my tongue right. up your asshole. And give them a minute. And give them a minute. They got to think about the shock. Like nobody's ever gone up to them like that.

No. Everybody else is talking about, oh, my God. I can't wait. Do you have headshots? It's going to be so beautiful. Listen. Fuck your headshot. I'm going to stick my tongue so far up your ass.

Your glasses are going to fucking melt. Either they smack you in the face, finish their drink, and grab you by the hand and go, it's time to go. And you'll see all those other go. Bucks eat for the Knicks. Yeah, muscles. It's time to go.

Do you ever get a drink thrown in your face? 19 October. On the street, October of 81. Why? What happened? Some girl was drinking. I was friends with her. We had, you know,

Swab Spit a few years before. And we had, like, this aggravating fucking friendship. Like, it was just like, it was just not a good relationship. I liked it. We ended up hooking up years later. And now she don't talk to me. Since 1985, she has not spoken to me at all, though.

Her daughter reached out to me in 2018 for Rogan tickets. Oh, of course. I was like, oh, she's like, you remember my mom. You're like I do. They'll have tickets for you and then there's no tickets for her. She was drinking vodka with iced tea in it. Okay. We were on the streets.

I was starting to get cold. She got on a North Bergen-Chielding jacket on or something. I was by Knicks, and she crossed the street with her girlfriends and was all a little, a little, you know, she was drinking. I hadn't done anything. And she came up and was saying something. I'm like, what are you talking about? Something weird.

And she had something on a jacket. I mean, what the fuck is that? And she looked at me. She goes, this is my new jacket. She just drew the booze at me. Oh. And then her and her girlfriends crossed the street. But she didn't see that she left the container

of ice tea. I remember the containers that were a little, there was no fucking glass. There were containers. Cardboard ones? Cardboard ones. Okay. She left some on the floor. Oh no. I took that up and she hit a vodka bite. They were across the street now from Nick's pizzeria where there was a barber there.

They were drinking over there. And she had her back to Kennedy Boulevard. Oh. And I went behind with that fucking iced tea with my little burglar feet. And I just dumped it over her head. And she's like, fuck yeah. fuck you i'm like hey man you hit me fucking first all right bitch yeah i never want to talk to you again

and then you wrote up a few years later nine months later she was in the sack with me that's like james bond shit only joe d is not but that never happened again we had something right but she was always like trying to you know listen just let me make out where you grab your tit it wasn't anything we weren't doing anything we were fucking 16 years old but it was always like she drank and she wore You watch too many TV shows where guys and chicks have conflicts. Like you, you bought the Reese's instead of,

what are you talking about? Just eat it. You know, I'm not even saying we had arguments about that, but she was one of those girls that when she got cocktails in it. Some people just like to fight. Yeah, and I don't want to fight.

I just want to swash spit and finger you. Go home. That's it. I ain't get to fight with you. We'll drink a little bit, more finger. I know you're not fucking nobody. I'm cool with it.

I'm not making you doing anything. I'm not going to give you a roofie either. That's really nice of you. But if you think that I'm going to argue with you and then try to make up and walk you home and then on the walk in, she would start another fight. After the makeout, another, we're in high school. You walk home to 68th in Guttenberg

over mountains and cars and fucking Bergen lines and hills. And after I get home, I swap spit with you, I grab your tit and now you're starting. Wow, are you going to take me to the movies on Sunday? because we're all going for the movie. So that was too white for me. She was Italian, but she was already in the American zone. So a little iced tea.

Oh, there's a lot of people I'd like to just pour some ice tea over their head. That would be great. Some women pour drinking your fat. I mean, it doesn't have to be a woman. There's plenty of guys who I'd like to pour some ice tea over their head. Why pour ice tea when you hit them with a bottle? You want to be a fag and put water on them or you want to have them with a club stick and go? That's what happens.

would like to do that. Do you ever fantasize about that? About people I'm mad about, you're mad about? Just I want to, just running them all with a car. Oh, I have, I thought about when I'm getting really mad. There's like a few people. I'm like, if like everything gets fucked, I'm like, I'm going to kill them and then like, like, like that's it. I'm going to see how far I can get. I have like a few people. And it's never going to happen. I shouldn't, probably shouldn't say this on the internet. But there's like a few people who have really pissed me off. I'm like, if I lose my job,

the house goes and if my life's over I'm like oh yeah I can't wait I just it makes me happy just to think about it you know man that shit will fucking kill you I used to dream about all that shit

like I had one deal that was for sure I was committed to this deal because I had nothing else going on and I couldn't imagine being 40 with nothing going on so I said I'm going to go to LA and I'm going to give it a chance if for some reason I fuck

or I do something stupid. I'm going to drive home, and I'm going to stop and kill my ex-wife and the husband and then go to North Bergen where they won't come and get me. That was the plan. That's a sad fucking plan.

Yeah? If I fail at this, I got nothing else to live for. What am I going to do? Become an engineer when you're 40? You don't have a high school diploma? What am I going to do? Mr. Hasley is going to get me a job at the school?

What am I going to do? You're done. You're 40. You got felonies. You got a GED, and you failed to stand up. What is there to celebrate? I was just going to go kill her and just sit there with a cigarette

with blood alone my face I don't know what happened I went there's blood everywhere and then they put you like a fucking you're crazy you know that's what I was hoping for right they would just say he's crazy you know I was gonna figure out how to be

fucking insane but thank God we didn't get to that thank God that was the thing I was like if I fail at comedy what am I doing that's it you fail that matter which is basic communication one-on-one.

And you're going to fail as a comic, which is basic communication, volume two. What am I going to go for volume three? There ain't none. Right. So I was like, I'm done. Whatever happens there, I'll just run reckless and they'll shoot me somewhere in Jersey City.

It does. It's not something you should do, but when you're pissed off, it feels good to think about it. Well, yeah, why are you pissed off? And that's what's, it's like when you call a hooker, but you jerk off on the way there, and you're like, I don't need her now. Right.

I already jerked off. It's the same thing. That's what you gotta think about the steps on things, you know. Well, they have things like that. Now they have like break rooms where you can just go and break shit when you're angry. That's for faggy fucking people. They also got a place I go for 65 bucks,

a lady will hug me to sleep. Oh, yeah, professional cuddler. Yeah, and then I get there, and ladies 400 pounds. Peanut butter fingers. I'm trying to fall asleep. No, that's just... If I'm paying someone to cuddle,

it's going to be someone who's 400 pounds. No, you're not. You're going to pay a nice looking blonde with big tits. Cover your eyes. You know how people put those things in their eyes that don't see? Right.

I want a chick to put a tits on my eyes. I don't see nothing. That's what I want for 65 and how. If you're going to cuddle with me, but how depressing is your life? If you're going to cuddle with somebody on the street? I mean, and that's a new world. And people will take a hug from anybody.

Yeah. That's the new thing. Oh, thank you for sharing. Let's give him a hug. Oh, my God, you're so brave. Thank you. When you went on the Oscars for calling out the Palestinian children, we needed that.

America really needed to look at that, you know. Thank God you called out the Jews for their atrocities. And you're like, well, how did this get to this? Are you putting me the fuck on by saying, all this dumb shit. I love that. You always think that someone's like fucking with you. I think they fuck with me.

It's like when you go to Texas and do comedy, like on the other side of Texas. Okay. And again, a comic will go up that's not experienced and they'll go, before we start this show, let's give a round applause for the troops. I get it. I applaud the troops. Right. Why are you saying that at a comedy show?

Right. Two mothers are in the back crying, my boys in Iraq, you know. The fuck is wrong with you. Right. So there's just things that people go to. But it's just easy to say. And once you start watching Hollywood, that's all it is. That's all it is.

There's a lot of things like that. Like, did you watch the Olympics? No. I didn't waste my time. It starts over there. That's the fucking growth. If New York City catches a cold, if catches the flu, the rest of the country catches a cold.

When you start that stupidity behavior, that started in L.A. or people of that mode. When I left New York City, there weren't a lot of people in that mode. year. They were the village, you know, they thought they were Archie Farty and Smaugh and everybody, but the rest of these motherfuckers would mug them out of heart, you know what I'm saying? So they got kept in check. Now they're all over New York, whether it's with their stupid fucking six foot dogs or whatever the fuck they want to tell you about why they're more special

than you and why they're entitled to do this, you know, that's the world today. You know, everywhere you go, you go to a restaurant, there's a thing to take pictures. Yeah. So you could feel like you're in a holiday. I don't want to take no pictures in front of that. What's it going to do for me? Like, they have, like, they have, do you remember that in L.A.? They had some walls with, like, wings, and there was, like, a security guard

because people were coming and take pictures. And, you had to, like, wait in line and take a picture of, like, the wings behind you. It's, you know, it's like the people who fly in to go to Pink's Hot Dog. Oh, yeah. And they shit blood for two weeks. Because somebody told them to go to Pink's Hot Dog. Some idiot told them to go to Pink's Hot Dog. I would tell people to fucking go there at L.A.

Drive by Pinks and throw a grenade at the fucking building because it's so fucking bad. The buns, the dogs, the chili, it's all bad. Some places you're going, like, I like the dog, but the bun was kind of light, you know, I like this. There you go. I didn't like the yellow bun. It's like a yellow bun.

The hot dog is one of those beef hot dogs from California. You know, it's got some tofu in it. You know, it's like the Dodger dog. I love Dodger dog. I love Dodger Stadium. But the Dodger dog, I wouldn't give it to my cat. No, it's awful. I wouldn't give it to my cat.

Yeah. You know, I didn't eat hot dogs back there until we found the ballpark ones. No, my wife found something. My wife found, and that's when I started eating them because we were making them at home. Right. But I don't eat those Jamok Hot ballpark. Fuck those things. I'm a Sabret motherfucker to the end and the other company.

That Dumans to the end. Everything else, I don't even want to put that shit to my lips. No. If I don't see sad bread on those motherfuckers, these Arabs that sell sad brets in New York, their bootlegs and shit like that. Dude, do you see people, people are getting really upset with them

because you'll get a hot dog and, like, you'll order it, they'll hand it to you, and it's like 15 bucks. Yeah. And like, they're just fucking with you now. The hot dog, listen, everything is so outlandish in New York now. Why?

The coolness is gone. The coolness that was really New York. is gone, and they ain't going to come back for a long time. Everything you see now, they're faking the funk. That is not the New York City we grew up in. It was a different state of mind. It wasn't that shallow state of mind. New Yorkers were not that fucking shallow.

Well, and I know I'm part of the problem, but I don't know how many actual New Yorkers are still there. Maybe in some neighborhoods, but in most of them not. No, they're all from Indiana and Boston. then. Yeah. You know, and it took away

from that, what that grime was. Now you go to a city, you're like, it's dirty. New York in the 70s and 80s and even early 90s

before Giuliani, had a little grime to it. A lot. It didn't bother you. If you came from grime, it didn't bother you. It was just something you lived with. Other people come here

and they look at, we've got to get rid of that. No, that's what the city is about. That's what it's always been about. The start is, I don't know, when the chains. It's a blue collar city.

Oh, it's not. Just like Jersey. Brooklyn, the Bronx, they're really blue collar. Manhattan always had a little flair to it. You got some stockbrokers. But what's all blue collar? Go around North Jersey. Everybody thinks they're high collar.

Yeah, but they're doing what your neighbor did. They're staying over there so they could save money and take the ferry every day in New York. Yeah. What ferry? The ferry's $18. fucking a day. It is. That's 120 a week or something like that, right?

Yeah, if you want to do that. Dude, I'm lucky, and I pay $350 a month to park in Manhattan. And that's cheap. When you really look at New York and what's going on there, as a 23-year-old, you're like, I'm going to live in the city, and you're making $120,000. You ain't putting nothing in the way. No.

There's nothing going away. When that check comes, you spend every fucking dime. That's not with New York, 120 for a single kid that's 24, 25. But they don't give a fuck. Don't go over there. Man. We had my naked. So much fun.

We could make vapor pens in the bakery. You could do that in Jersey. You could do that in Connecticut. You could do that anywhere. But they're just brainwashed. Yeah. We've been brainwashed. New York always had a draw for me.

I don't know what my whole life. Oh, it's always had a draw. How can you not? one minute I'm hanging out with fucking savages in the village the next minute I'm jumping up and now with black people in Hollywood you know that's the next minute I'm in a Yankee game next minute it's one in the morning I'm stopping in this they got a fucking steak that you can't get nowhere at 8 o'clock

oh they still got a stake over that one of the moon I don't even think you can do that anymore someone told me that there's a 24 hour Cuban place well I believe it I forget I can't remember what then oh okay you've never been there in the city yeah I believe it just to prove to you, you could still make a living on cheap food. Oh, yeah. You know, we're getting killed.

People are getting fucking killed. You know, and then they want to come on TV. The economy is booming. Okay. And the Americans, yes, it is. The tariffs. Okay, keep telling yourself that. Keep fucking telling yourself that.

People are scared to go into New York City. They don't know what they're going to spend. 35 and tall, for what? For what? I need one thing out of New York City, a good stake at that place. Besides that, I don't go in there for the city. I don't go in there for comedy.

I don't want to play the Beacon Theater. To make no fucking money. The Beacon Theater. You make $10,000 for 10,000 people because they take everything else. Right. You're fucking crazy. They're union.

I don't want to do that shit. No. They're taking like 30% of your money you don't even see. And you're like, 30%. And the problem is, is when you're there for a while, while you don't realize it. And then you go to Florida for the weekend or you go like to Massachusetts.

And you're like, oh, things are a third of what they cost. Many times I go to breakfast and the bill came back $13 and I called a waitress, you made a mistake. How many times I call you from Denver? Oh, yeah. I tell you about the $7 breakfast. I don't think they have any more, but it was like. Sam's?

Sam's. Yeah, it went up. But it was still like a bowl of chili, two eggs, potatoes and toast. You could take those chili and throw it over the eggs with two tortillas. The 799 and orange juice and a coffee. That's what America's forgot. Yeah. That's what America forgot.

So I applaud those people that still want to save you. My friend was telling me she went for a margarita. It was $24. It was $24. Probably. Somewhere. And Elbridge. That's $48.

That's $48. I went to the fucking garden. It was $33 for a single shot. Margarita on the third floor, 33. They wanted 43 for a double shot or something. I'm like, fuck it, I'll drink water. Yeah. I'm not paying 40.

And that's what I don't, that's what breaks my heart about New York City now. It's a fucking, they get you at every level. They became cable TV. Two years ago, you paid cable TV. Now I cancel cable, but see what you're paying now. More. Between Netflix, they chunked it up on you. So if you pay for Prime, Netflix, McGooby, Pee,

cock, you know, I'm dropping 800. And then the phones, I didn't know these phones were fucking $200 a month now. We paid $34 and you had a phone at the house. God forbid you dial my, you know, $34. It's $170. You have to pay the phone. How do people, how are they getting this money? They're going into debt.

Yeah. There is no way you can walk around with a smile on your face and go, I just went and paid $1,800 for an iPhone. That's low. It's like two... Dude, I can't tell you. I haven't written down. You know, have you seen the Orthodox Jews

that walk around with the flip phones? Yeah, like, I always should... That's what I want. Yeah. I want the orthodox Jew flip phone. I'm not spending $2,000 on our phone. You don't give a fuck about Googling. At the end of the day, you're paying $2,000,

so you could be cool. Let's Google. How do we eat pussy? Let's Google the best restaurant. Let's yelp it. Let's do this. No. I don't even have Twitter on mine.

I don't have Facebook on my phone. I have Instagram. That's it. That is it. And that's about to go too, probably. Yeah. I'm starting to get a little, just, you know,

but there's some good things on Instagram, like the Jews. I like those Jews. The Jews are. The girl from France, like torture every day, call her Magnifickech and she'll send me voice.

I do not know. You just pretend you're talking French to her? Yeah, but it ain't French. I can't talk French. I just start making up fucking letters and fucking shit like that. What do you got this weekend, Tarzan? This week I'm with you in Tampa. All right.

That sold out. And then Friday and Saturday, Friday and Saturday, you got what? Friday and Saturday I'll just be around New York. Can I give one? It's a little far out, but it's a big one. Yeah. April 1st and 2nd. I'm at Uncle Vinnie's.

Very excited about it. Oh, shit. Headlining Wednesday and Thursday. Very excited for us. But we got Tampa sold out, but we got. Foxwoods. And there was 100 tickets left last Thursday. Yeah, there was 100 tickets left last Thursday.

That's a week from Saturday. That's a week from Saturday. That's it. That's all we got, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry about last week with the snowstorm. I know you're like listening to us, two idiots, but we just couldn't do it. It wasn't worth it killing ourselves. But we're back.

We'll be back next week with a guest. The week after that, we got Alberto Crane. He's coming in with his new book. Nice. We got John Berndtall coming in for the dog day afternoon. We got a couple things going on. I love it. That's it.

We're here with queer motherfuckers. Have a great week. We love you and stay black, Jack.