Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Passed Out In A Prison Cell

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk The World Series, the art of listening, Joey's job watching a wall (you read that right), performing in black clubs and so much more! SHOW NOTES Get your 1st month of BlueChew FREE w/ code JOEY @ ⁠http://bluechew.com/⁠ Support the show & get 15% off your Bioma order with the code JOEY at ⁠https://gobioma.com/church⁠

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with my favorite nephew Lee Syatt for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now, new edition. It's Tuesday. The 4th of November, tip-top, chick-chick. We're down to eight Mondays till Christmas.

What's chick-chick mean? I don't know. It's something different. You know what I'm saying? What's up with you, dog? How was your weekend? My weekend was good. My weekend was real good.

I had a competition show. I saw that. They had a little metal on your chest. I was going to post the story, but when I saw the AI medal, I said, no, I'm not doing that to my dog. So you were the third grade. The fiancé did that on Instagram. They took a picture, I'm sure. It might go out, who knows.

But it was fun. It was at the comic strip. And it's, I don't know about you, but I don't know about you, like I've done so many competition shows and lost every single one of them. I lost one at Flappers where the two guys before me, one was 70 years old and forgot his jokes and his,

like the people he brought had to tell him his jokes. And then like a 20 year old kid doing like impressions from the 80s. And I came and said, I won a second place. So I got a big bowl of fries. But that's the best I've ever done. And finally, we'll see,

there's still a few rounds. But like I moved on, which was pretty cool. I was happy with that. All right. You had a good weekend in the world? Yeah, just stand-up. It was the fucking lamest Halloween.

Not for me, but, you know, I had a good time with my family. Were you the wolf again? Huh? You were the wolf again? No, I had dressed up one time. I thought about a Friday night and I'm like, what am I retarded? I'm going solo. I'm not dressing up like no fucking wolf.

I got better shit to do. Everybody's going to go there. They're going to watch the World Series. I'm going to be sitting there looking like a wolf. Looking like a fucking jet fan when they're losing by 40. put your fucking jet shirt on. You know what I'm saying? So was Mercy upset or no?

Well, Mercy don't give a fuck if I dressed up or not. As long as I was at the party with it, and she got to drive back in the car with me. That's all she gave a fuck about. We had a great time. Nice. There was food, blah, papa. The dads went into the one room.

I had a couple edibles in me. I just watched the game, and then I went home, and then Saturday, I don't even know what I did Saturday. Oh! Nick came down, and we watched the World Series and got Chinese food. It was a good World Series. I haven't watched the World Series in a while and those games, I don't know any of the players

but they were fun to watch. Listen, I don't know any of the players either but it was one of the, like, I missed the game Sunday. Like Sunday night, I'm like, fuck Sunday night football. I wish there was another World Series game. Like they gave him one more shot. America said, come on, give him one more shot.

We don't know what happened at home. His foot was off. His foot was on. Which I'm not saying nothing bad. What I'm saying is it was an exciting fucking world series. It was fucking tremendous. But when it ended, it was like the ending of the Sopranos.

Really? It ended like the Sopranos. I didn't get to watch the last game. I don't know how it ended. It ended like the Sopranos. Like they had a guy on first and second or something, first and third, two outs, one out, and the chubby Mexican, Kirk,

into the quickest double play you ever saw. It was like, ba-ba, beep-ba! And it was over. And all of a sudden, Freddie Free, whatever, was jumping up in the air. Okay. And I'm like, holy shit. And I was the, and you could see the Toronto players.

Like my heart went out to them because they, their mind was, it's like your mind is still catching up. It's in slow motion still. They were just sitting there watching the coach, his face was red, and you could see that he was still processing what he saw. He was too many, you ever like watch a Kung Fu movie? Okay. They're always two minutes behind on the talking.

Oh, the dubbing, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's some channels you put on and you have the same. football game on, but this game is delayed by 10 seconds. So they score in this game, they're still driving like that. It was like something like that, you know. Yeah, because it started with the 18 inning game. Like, that's what I knew it was going to be. That's why it was a fucking battle.

And we called it on the podcast. We said it that the Dodgers are just not going to go in there and sweep them. Listen, it's a setup, guys. It's always a setup. What was the setup game? O'Shani having three home runs and tens of, strikeouts. I think they won, or they won the series, that series that night, correct? Well, that was early, wasn't it like game like three? And then he had a game like either four or five

where he like went over or like had a really bad game. It doesn't matter. No, but he went one night. Right. You don't listen to me. It was a setup. Okay. Forget about the O's. Okay. They won that night. Right. And he pitched, got 10 strikeouts. That was a great game. And three home runs. So now you were waiting for the winner of Toronto, whatever the fuck they played. Seattle? Okay, you already have it in your fucking mind. They locked you in. America locked you the fuck in.

And look how they even won. First off, you bet the Dodgers you didn't make a killing. Number two, if you watch the games, I think Toronto covered more nights even when they're not the one in the World Series. They covered. Really? Because they were getting a run of the half every night, even when they were home. It's very what you saw last and all that 10 strikeouts. three home run, that's for all the suckers who bet the series.

Why are they suckers? Okay, because they jumped right on that without looking at the odds real quick to see what was going to manifest. That's what that does. It's just impulsive. They were talking when I got here. They're already betting the world baseball fucking league. I'm good.

In my world, baseball's over until April now. You understand me? Yeah. But those, like, I had a, it was just, it's, I haven't watched baseball. I don't think in 10 years. And you know what got me back into it? I was driving back from Massachusetts and I would listen to the game on the radio.

You were saying that how great it is to listen to it. Fantastic. And it made, I was gambling on it, so I was like extra into it. And it fucking was, because I don't know, I get bored watching baseball on TV if I'm not really into the,

it was too much, but when you're driving, there's something about driving. It's not, you couldn't, it might not work at home, but like driving and listen to it because you're, you can't look at your phone,

you can't do shit. Like, the announcers were getting into the game, it was, like I felt like I was back in high school. It's very crazy. When you and I started the church, 12 years ago,

and Felicia and I, I'll never forget when podcasts were first starting out. And it was like Mark and Joe and a couple other people, and I would listen. And I was very intrigued. Because when I got here in 66, I mean,

we were long out of the radio. by the time I got here. But it was still lingering. In the 70s, they would still show you shows where people would sit around and listen to the Green Hornet. The Green Hornet, before Bruce Lee was ever even born, was a fucking radio show.

It was Tuesdays at 9, and a bunch of actors got together, and you sat there and you listened. And it was very interesting to me. When the podcast stuff started, I was very much into doing something. I had already seen people in their fucking phones. Talk, I grew up in Hudson County.

You didn't look at nothing but what was in front of it. And every once in a while, you glanced on the floor for a wallet. But it was a very quick glance, okay? So when I see people walking and not looking straight ahead, I'm already aggravated. Over the years, I already got used to it. You can't change a whole society of people. You cannot.

It drives me crazy when you're looking at your phone and also the bomb might go off in the city. And I'm not saying this and I wish this happened. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying that. We're going to be right. I wish I wouldn't have been looking at my fucking phone. You know?

And when the podcast concept came up, I really was, my dick was hard because this is going to get people to listen again. We have completely lost a gift of listening in the last 30. 30, 40 years. We have completely lost it. What's the gift of listening? First off, it's a gift. You have five senses.

All of them are fucking gifts. But the gift of listening has something more than the gift of yapping. And the gift of listening, it's like when I tell you, we fuck around all the time, but I'm not fucking around with you. Go to McDonald's tonight, the way home.

Get a cheeseburn. You're going to eat in your car. You throw the wrapar out. Next time you fly, bring McDonald's on the plane and see what it fucking smells like on a plane. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the oxygen level. I don't know.

The chemicals expand or contract them. Yeah, I don't know what it is, okay? We don't listen. As Americans, no more, we look, and that looking has fucked up our brains. But I'm no psychotherapist. I don't know anything about that. I'm just saying that people get up in the morning.

and start looking through reels and shit like that, you know, and start looking through reels. There was a time when we listened to music. George, we went on Bergen-Line on Saturdays, went to one of the four album places. You bought the album, you stopped by Nick the Dix House. Hopefully his sister sold you a joint for $2. You went home, you rolled it in the album,

and you listened to the album while you read the fucking lyrics, No lyrics. You listened. Then in 81 MTV came. So nobody listened to albums no more. They were just watching videos. So it became a different dynamic. Again, I was going off on Nick the other night

about the cloth we were raised. We were raised under a different cloth up here. It was a certain time. And people at home were going, what the fuck are you talking? Listen, it was a different cloth. Okay? and it was the cloth of listening and do me a favor.

Keep your mouth shut. That was the cloth I grew up in. Don't deviate from that. Keep your mouth shut. This is no gangster shit. This was just common shit. Keep your mouth shut. All right.

Listen, and we didn't. We went out and turned to the world as teenagers and couldn't wait to hear something to tell somebody, me included. And then it takes a couple times. Then the first time it dawned on me was, my mother had died and there was a guy at Rendell Lumber that bought gold. I ain't going to say his name. He's on the kinky side.

And I loved him to death. And he used to give me a job. I told you Lee, he used to pay me $20 an hour to sit and watch his wall. because he built walls for a living. And he didn't need me to watch the wall. He just was friends with somebody that told him, give him work. And this guy would always make me watch the wall.

For how long? Three hours. He was dropping off at seven and stayed there until ten. There was no phone then. There was nothing. Nobody was going to sit with me. They'd be missing a party. I just sat there by myself

because I knew $60 was $60. I was maybe a freshman in high school. And I knew the people I was dealing with, so they told me to watch a wall. And I watched the wall, okay? And I never repeated it to nobody. People go, like, where were you? I was babysitting my brother.

I got no brother. You know what I'm saying? I got no brother. But I would watch this wall. And then, like, three months later. What are you looking for? Were you guarding the wall? He just told me to sit there and watch the wall.

And that's what I did. I would watch the wall grow. Like every three minutes, it was a little light from the street. There were people who lived down the corner. He built the wall for somebody, Lee. And he didn't want kids jumping on the wall or whatever. So he put me in charge of nobody touching a fucking wall. Gotcha.

All right. And then something happened one night where we were talking, and it was a Friday. And I got off of work at five. And him and I were talking about a gold desk. It was slow. It was a lumberyard, but he had to where they buy gold in the back. This is 78. Gold was 800 an ounce and people are losing their mind.

Today it's 3,200 an ounce. It's fucking amazing. And you know how much gold I sold at $800 that I stole? I wish I had two pencils that were gold. I'd stick them both into my eyeballs right now, okay? Oh, right now somebody's laughing at me. I remember one night something happened. And we were talking about something.

It was a Friday. We were talking about something. He knew somebody, and he said something to me. He said, don't go down there on a Friday night. We're just talking about somewhere. I can't remember the University in Georgia where you got Quailudes up there by Kennedy Boulevard? It was down the block from Sears Roebuck.

It's something now. But in 70, 72, 73, 82, 82, it was called the University Inn. It was a bar with a door guy in the outside, and you went in there, whatever. We used to go down there and get Kualoos. It was like trying to be 16 and getting beers. You had to go out there and call somebody. Hey, can you see if Nick is inside?

Then Nick would come out. You go, Nick, give me a Kualo. And he would go back in and ask for the Kualoos. That particular night, we went down on a Friday. I remember who I was with and everything. We had like $30 to buy like 10 Kualoos, 40 bucks. And we went there, and I had the $40 in my pocket. And I was with some other guy.

We were both sophomores. and I'll never forget that I fucking I asked the doorman is whatever in there and he goes no he's not here tonight and I'm like getting into the argument with the guy about that he is here I like a half of vodka in me although I'm a tough guy

and within fucking three minutes the place got squawed with fucking cops Jesus right and I'm thinking holy shit they call the cops on me nah it was like Union City police was swam in the place for drugs they were serving a warrant for fucking drugs. Every union city cop in the world was there and they fucking pull me aside. Me and this other kid who doesn't live in North Bergen no more, but he's still alive.

And they asked this with identification, what are you doing here? We were like, well, look, we met a girl. No, you didn't. They asked us how much money we had. Thank God. We had nothing on us. Thank God. That guy wasn't there. I mean, it was night. Bro, we were fucking 16. You know what I'm saying? They were going to fucking take us to North Bergen court and get ripped up two weeks later. That's the way it worked back then. It doesn't matter. I'll never forget a week later being at the lumberyard and he was there. And he goes, one of my friends told me you at the university in the other thing I got raided.

I'm like, yeah, he goes, what did I tell you that Friday? Not to go down there. I go, but you didn't say they were going to get ready. He goes, I wasn't supposed to tell you we were going to have read. You didn't listen to me. I told you not to go down there. And that always fucked with me from that time. That always fucked with me.

and I was maybe 16, that I hadn't paid attention because that's the way I was raised. I didn't read through the lines. They would tell you, the people I grew up with my mom and stepdad, they would go, hey, don't go over there. And then three weeks later, something bad would happen over there. And you go, oh, I understood why. I don't have to tell you why. Why make you an accessory to a felony?

I'm just telling you, don't fucking go over there no more. You see him on the street, cross the street. he's a rat, you know. That's the way my parents were with me. They tell me this shit in case they want to come talk to me about something. So it's pretty interesting. And then I got locked up. Then I got locked up and they got drilled into me.

Listening? That I didn't listen to the people that were trying to tell me why I got locked up. I didn't get locked up for fucking getting involved in that drug thing. I got locked up for not claiming responsibility. And I didn't listen to him. and I didn't learn until after the fact with these people we even talking about. They kept talking about claiming responsibility.

Where I came from, you don't know nothing. Do you follow the saying to you? So where I came from, Joey, the guy slipped and fell in front of you. There's three witnesses who said you pushed him on the train tracks. I'm telling you, he fell. They didn't want to hear that. They wanted to hear I fucked up. And I didn't know how to do that.

And then I learned when I got locked up. But the test that fucked me up the most about listening was like one of the counselors was just talking to me one day. And they were just, you know, they said there's no rehabilitation in prison. And there really isn't. But there's always a couple of good people in there that talked to you, you know. And we were just talking about listening, how important it is to really fucking listen. When I was a kid, what was my favorite show?

The honeymoon is in the out couple. One of my favorite One of my favorite fucking episodes of the odd couple Is when that big football player from the 70s was on there Deacon Jones That motherfucker was an animal He did an episode with Oscar And at the end Oscar goes, Deacon

Why don't you talk much? And he goes because if you speak You have to listen What's that the Indian authorities? No, it's my mom. Okay. She's doing all right? Yeah, she's good.

So it's really weird that we, and now, especially now, you can't get nobody, I can see it with my daughter. I'm watching it hatch, and I'm not mad at it for it. This is what our senses, there's no more radio. Yeah, not really. So that's not a sense that's heightened no more. It's the eyeballs and fucking whatever else tingles in their body when they go through reels or whatever the fuck they do. You know. Have you tried to, like, teach Mercy how to listen?

Like, I'm not saying she doesn't. I'm just saying, like, is it something as a parent? There's something that you have to fall a couple times, and then you put together. When somebody tells you to listen, you're like, what is he, what is this fucking jerkoff talking about? I listen all day. I listen to farts. I listen to birds. I listen to this idiot, you know, trying to fucking race a jig rig up the corner, you know.

I don't even know if I want to know what a jig rig is, to be honest with you. Some fucking old Jap car. They deliver Chinese food. They build the car as it goes. This week I'm getting a muffler. So for two weeks, I've got to hear noise, you know. That's the gift for that. So you always tell people that.

What the fuck is he talking about? He's an asshole. I listen to everything. Yeah, we do listen to everything, but we really don't listen. And when you focus on listening, it's pretty fucking you love it. When you go to doctor's office,

I keep the phone away. and I just listen. Anywhere I go, I'll keep the phone out of there as much as I can to listen to what the fuck is going on. And it's superb. It's superb. And it really, when you don't have your phone, it really shows you, like, I don't know, I feel like so much more involved. Like, it's amazing. All I can think about when you're talking about this is, like, I want to get, like, I want to throw this thing in the fire.

We all do. I hate it. We just don't have the ball to. This is the girlfriend. that fucking lies, cheats on you, steals from you. But when she does deliver, she puts her long tongue up your asshole and blows grapes in it, you know? I'm not saying.

I'm not saying. I'm not saying. You're only so strong. You want to fuck 10 dudes. Go ahead. Just come back on Monday. And stick that long tongue up my asshole and pick the raisins out. Oh, no.

That's what an iPhone is to you. Oh, my God. I feel like you've one woman in mind too with that. You got to build this scenario from times of times so people understand what the fuck we're getting out of you. A scenario for why you hate phones is getting your asshole tongue? No, I'm just saying that it's not that, listen, man, you want to throw away your phone.

Listen, we all fucking know. that 70% of shit on there we don't need to see, okay? No. It's repetitive. All I get fucking emails from Ozempic. That's all. Get your car fixed, Bank of America. We got a loan for you.

Do you read your junk mail? I just, if I, I got, look, I got. Why do you read your junk email? Payment decline, 24 hours left. Claim your super anti-spyware discount. Do I look like a spy to you? I mean, what?

You know, this is the shit I get. This is my regular email. I get business. That's the bull. company, that's CAA, there's three emails. There was a time when I opened up and I had 22 emails. Nobody even emails no more. Nobody loves me.

Nobody cares. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but you get annoyed by emails. Oh, yeah. But you want business emails. Now you got fucking, uh, look at fucking CBS showed up heavy. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

All right? Let's hear the coupons you guys. Listen, the text message from CVS makes my dick hard. It's always good news for how much money. How much money they're fucking saving me a month or whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? I love CVS. Love it.

Love it. Do you have a specific one you like the best? The one by my house. I ain't going to disclose it. Right, no. Because then I'll have a bunch of lurkers down there. But why do you like that CVS? Because I could feed the cats in the back.

Nice. There's a head shop down the corner where I go get in the same complex. So you have CVS. You got no food in there. They're supposed to have this and that. I never even stopped to get shit in there. But they have a head shop, and it's not bad. Just don't listen to the owner.

Last time I went in there with a friend, my friend said when he came out, the guy had rings around his nose, and he wouldn't shut up about Jupiter. There's some shit. Yeah, the kid tried to sell me, you've got to get these synthetic mushrooms, man. You're going to love him.

I ate the whole fuck. He goes, well, we eat a half. I ate the whole fucking thing, and nothing happened. Nothing there were duds. And this is why you like the CVS, though? I like that. Being around that.

No, no, no, there's a couple things in that CBS. that are very interesting. There's a bunch of, for five fucking years that I've lived here, there's a family of black and white cats back there. I don't know how they stayed alive right there and not fucking highway. I don't know how they've done it.

But I've watched them grow from the kitten then the kitten got older, then she got fucked, then she had a kitten, then the mother got hit by a car. It's been like, and they're all black and white and they all wait for you. If you go to CVS around 9.30, when you pull up,

they're waiting for you by the post. Right. They wait by the post. I go in, I get something, and I bring a little can of fucking cat food. I open it up, and they'll let you get like four feet close. They know me by now. But then I take the ride around the building

and I see how many people are in the hook house behind CVS, and then I pop out and I shoot down. And if I need easy widers or, or a couple lighters. I go in that place and I get it. It's one-stop shopping for Uncle Joey. Why are you checking into how many people are at the whorehouse? I want to see what's cracker-lacking in my community, you know what I'm saying?

Do you like write it down or like... No, what am I, a fucking sleuth? I just take a ride to see how many guys are getting their pencil sucked on a Tuesday night. That's good when you're trying to figure out what's going on with the economy, man. How's it doing? Huh? How is it like the whorehouse doing right now? You know, come see whom's, uh.

Friday nights there. packed like any other fucking dump. But during the week, they're slugger. I don't even know what they got in there. I was going to go in there, like, with a phony mustache and see what kind of chick's there. Would that be the only part of your disguise or would it just be you with a mustache? I got a long jacket and a mustache and a baseball hat. I got like a long fucking nice jacket that I wore to a premiere.

I wore it last New Year's. And that was it. I paid to this jacket eight years ago, 10 years ago. That's all you used to. 12 years ago, and I've used it three times. Fuck. When I took it to the dry clean, I left it there for six months. I'm surprised little Chinese guys, too, had it.

I had to send my wife in there to get it. I dropped it off after New Year's. I didn't pick it. He asked my wife, where is he? The hospital. And that was it. The guy's like, oh, tell him to get well. I've been in there in months.

You don't know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. I forgot how to pick up dry cleaning. It used to be a part of you every day when you're, you know, you got suits and shit. I love leaving stuff there. Where the dry cleaner? Yeah, do you know where it is? And then they call you it like 10 times.

But these dry cleaners suck. Right. First of all, you got no Chinese people running things. That's the big dog. They used to George tell these motherfuckers. You went with your laundry to a Chinese joint. When you picked it up on Friday, your underwear were ironed with a crease on it with starch. White shirts.

You know how white T-shirts you wash them? And you got like, what the fuck? Dog, your white shirts lasted for 10 years. because they start they starts those collars tight and shit. Tight and shit. You're a little tidy, witty, shit. When you took them off at night, they stood in the corner, wait for you the next day.

It was like a little helmet for a retard if you turn it up. If you turn it upside down, your underwear, you would just take them off at night dog and they sat there like a little retard helmet or a pair underwear or a little. So you could just turn them around, put like a light bulb in there. could be like a Martian and shit. Those underwear stayed tight for like two days.

By Sunday they got some whipped to them, you know, some fucking ass. Because they were so tight that the cotton wouldn't even go up your asshole. So you wouldn't have a filth and you would never get skid marks. Oh, that's nice. No, no, it was uncomfortable. But let me tell you something. You got three days out of a pair on the way.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, no, that's a nightmare. No, not these. Because they were tight. So they didn't creep. If you have underwear out for two days, right. The creep comes up.

your ass and eventually you're going to get a skid mark on that. Dude, I... That's why I changed underwear like at least once a day. Oh, please. I know that. Look at the, you know. Oh, it's not good. You have a little hand to extend to wipe your ass shit?

Like, I needed it when I was that big. When I was that big, I was huge. That's our next invention. It's not an invention. And we're advertising the obesity times like a fucking stick to wipe your ass when you get too big. You ever see somebody that's so big and you're like, you know what? I ain't know a math major.

but geographically, whatever the fuck. It's not possible. You know, circles, all that 3.14. Circles. Yeah, like, you know. Circumference, there's no way her arms are reaching. There was a woman I used to look at all the time in Seattle. And I go, there's no way she can wipe her ass.

Unless she goes deep between the legs and pulls like the frog, that's when you wipe. But whatever arm gets stuck and she throws her back out. That's a fucking nightmare too, you know what I'm saying? Did you call it the frog? Yeah. when I was that big, I needed to, like, I would stand up, dude. I didn't have to have a retort helmet.

We should have a counter on the screen how many times you say retard. Oh, who cares at this point? What do you want from me? I'm 62. I'm not going to change at this point. It's no disrespect and all retarded kids. I'm not here to disrespect people and soap people. I'm just making a point.

I can't imagine. I do. I did miss that. What? getting my laundry done at the laundromat, just dropping it off. But I never had Asian. They just spray like Fabriz on it and give it back to. They ruin it a lot.

Yeah, they ruin it. They forget. They forgot the whole, that's an art. That's an art. There's some things that people will not let go. That I've learned to let go. It's been difficult. That whole lifestyle we had, that's an heart.

Chan's dragging in. That was an art. I don't care who decide, you know, it's like the Yankees. That's a work of art. back then. They all went, look, we both were cheering for Don Matley. He's still out there,

100 years old with his little glasses on. We cheered for him. Why? Because he was part of a fucking, this weird thing that will never happen again. These things will never happen again. How many times you go and you eat at a place for four or five years and then you move away

and you move away for two years? You come back, you go to that place, and you're like, it ain't the same. That's like anything else, you know? So, what do you want for me? I'm just trying to put the pieces together here on a fucking Tuesday morning. I love you. I got prom just like everybody else.

You understand me? I got a bump foot. I got a limp node. Knock them. I got nothing wrong with my foot. I got a limp node. It's going to fuck up my right foot. What the fuck is a limp node?

It's, I don't know. What do you have? What I look like a fucking professor Sinai? All I know is, I got a limp node around my groin area. So I got to go take a little fucking ink test to some shit. I don't have to put no ink. in my dick. Thank God. In the hospital, they told me they were going to put a catheter in my dick

for it to drain. Oh, that's my nightmare. Oh, but I've been pissing like a motherfucker because now I learned how to piss. The lady told me today, she goes, don't hold your piss. Like, I was just walking down the stairs, I had a piss. I took my dick out. I'm not holding back no more. So if you step on something wet,

it's my piss. I don't give a fuck no more. I'm 62 years old. I'm an old man. I got problems. I don't hear so good sometimes. You know what I'm saying? What does hearing have to do with Pissing. Because the same shit. I don't fucking know, guys. I don't know.

It's just, uh... You feeling okay? I'm feeling tip-top, my goo. Honest to God. God, God bless everybody. Thank you for your support. I feel great, you know? I have to...

I got to pee, guys. I can't sit here for 20 minutes and hold it in and then get upset. Something happened to my system years ago. You know, hiding from the cops. You can't pee. You got to lock yourself under the door

and shit under the bed. Shit like that. Who the fuck knows? more. That's crazy. But yeah, it's pretty interesting how, yeah, I always, I don't know if I miss it, but I know we're going to be in the years to come, like my daughter, they just don't listen. Why, I mean, and I, it's too bad because I understand from every point, like, if I had a phone at that age, why would I listen, just listen to something? I didn't listen either. But you did, how many albums you listen to? Like, that's how I got into. That's why I love,

honestly and I'm nowhere near and I'm not saying I'm doing anything. Absolutely. I'm talking about, you know, listening to a comedy arm and listening to what people are trying to tell you. Okay. Two different fucking things. Gotcha. There's a certain age we hit that we think we'll fucking know it off.

We think we know it all. We all have this fucking delusion. We all know more than everybody. It starts at like 12 and a half. The first time we jerk off and something comes out, forget about it. That's it. I'm running things from now. You can't even get it.

up in the morning to hold a job. What the fuck are you running? But in our mind, we're running things. We have music on. You know, we think like we're paying bills and shit. I didn't want sugar pops. I wanted cornflakes in this motherfucker. Bam! And then you get the right hook. It's something that I'm looking at now.

You know, I tell you that you look at yourself and all your fucking flaws and you try to have your kids not have those flaws. Well, even the people around you, like even with comedy, I tell people, listen, if you got these little flaws as a common, get rid of them. Because there's no, there's no way for those flaws. You know, everything has that. You know, I wanted to be a chef.

Okay. I love food. What, what, don't, what episode of this shit, or what conversation do we have that we don't come up with food somewhere? I love food. I could have made a million dollars right now as a TV chef. As a chef, I would have started at Rudy's or something with no teeth. Right now, I would have been fucking better than those fucking idiots.

because I would hit you with the Italian flavor, the Hudson County flavor, the Cuban flavor, and everything I learned all over the country, all the prisons, the county jails, forget about it. Okay, but at the same time, I never got into cooking. Why? Because I knew if I cut myself, you know, I get raped in the kitchen. It's all over.

What? I wake up, and the head chef is banging me with sushi, you know. They're both doing it? What? You think that's what happened when you, pass out and the kid just... From my world, yeah, you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth. Oh, my God.

Girls fucking take people to court all day long about that. They pass out and they wake up and their world change. I don't know what happened. My bra was sticky. You know, yeah, you passed out of the fucking bar. What do you think with a bunch of animals? What do you think is going to happen? Even though it's not...

You can't do that, but people are still going to try that shit. So in my world, I always was very... dog, I fucking passed out in a jail cell. Like, I refused to pass out in a jail cell in front of 16 guys. And finally, when the jail cell was empty, I'm like, ooh, that was close. And I was sitting there with the cotton ball in my arm and I'm like, let me take this motherfucker out. And I took my arm down and took the cotton ball. It was just a dot of blood.

Boom, I fell. I fainted. So I was always petrified of fainting in public. That's my biggest fear. Friday, I went to Jiu-Jitsu and I'm walking out. And 11.30, the fucking Mexican wants to mop now. Where's ice when you need them? Where the fucking ice when you need them?

It's 1145. This Mexican wants to mop now. Why can't be mom now? I got my Nikes. They're like fucking flip-flops. Right? I'm like, there's a certain ceramic tile. It's like ice skate with these fucking things.

Those kids in China got to put some anti-skid fucking things on here. was some, oh my God, I fucking just went. And I held on, and I banged my head on the, my head still hurts. I've been walking around like, he's freely for three fucking days. Thinking when this is going to end, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, let's go to a quick break. We've got to talk to you about a couple things. We'll be right back, Jack.

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That's blue chew, cock suckers. You know what I'm saying? We're back! What's up, beautiful people? You know what I love about this time of the year? This is the time of the year where you got a fucking rock and roll. You got to rock and roll. This is it.

You want to start 2026 on the right foot, and you want to fucking barrel through this motherfucker. You ain't got time to worry about bad bunny. See? Bad bunny all went away. That's it. What happened? they shot three more people and bad bunny disappeared that's it

nobody cares about bad bunny nobody cares about crack a barrel and nobody's talking about the abstains no more you see how life everybody everybody goes their own way and you live you survive it's fucking crazy that while you're going through it you don't think

why you're looking at me like hey I'm fucking the malook you know I'm just trying to figure out how you're gonna like what this means yeah damn sitting there I don't know. And I'm watching my daughter play soft. Whatever. I'm watching her.

I'm watching the girls from her team bat. I'm watching them in the dugout. I'm watching the girls on the other team. I'm watching the acting. You know, watching the field. I'm looking at the trees. I said something to George before he came. Seriously, man.

You had a lot of experience from watching the wall. I'm sitting there. Stupid little. I'm sitting there and I'm watching this, this game, you know. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, this is as good as it gets. Like in my world,

like for you right now, you're like, Joey, me going to this on a Tuesday, I understand. Everybody has their own fucking personal, whatever. But for me, that's as good as it gets, you know? And I'm like, what the fuck? When they were sentencing me,

after they sentencing me and they threw me in the cell and I had a wait. That was like maybe the darkest two hours of my life. It was so dark that I passed out. Even after I snorted a line of Coke that would have killed the meal, it was still in the suit jacket. I didn't even know. I put my hand in my jacket and there was a Coke. I'm like, goddamn, that's where it went. I lost that Coke rock like two weeks before. I crushed it up, did a line by the back because they had cameras in that in those days. So I had to do a line of Coke by the fucking toilet. I did the whole thing through the paperwork.

And I sat there. I remember just, it was okay for about eight minutes. And then I just got into a state of depression. And then I woke up when they woke me up going, Joey, we got you a cell and some clothes. You have to change and they're going to shake you down all that shit.

But anyway, I'm not even thinking about that. I'm thinking about when I was sitting at. Like, I never saw this. Like, I was in such a dark place that I never saw this. Like, I never saw this baseball diamond. I never saw myself having a daughter.

I never saw myself doing anything. You know, here I was in the cell looking at four years, thinking I had to do the four years, thinking that my life was over, thinking that when I get out of jail, this girl would be gone. Just thinking a thousand things. I never thought about the flip side of what could happen, you know? And it's fucking bothered me for a couple minutes.

Well, okay. So what if the guard came into the cell? And I go, hey, I talk to you about someone. I talk to you about my personal feelings. Even though I'm feeling kind of fucking down, in 20 years, I'm going to have a daughter. And I'm going to be at a softball game. And I'm going to, you know, make mortgage payments.

And fucking, you know, I'm going to be a decent American. And this guy's like, yeah, you keep saying that to yourself. As a matter of fact, let's take you down to psych. they might want to talk to you. You know what I'm saying? Like, because you would never think that. What I'm trying to say is in your darkest moment, you don't even see what you could become.

Or like people always go, well, I love when people say that. When you give blood, just think of a happy time. Okay. When I got ice cream with my daughter, how happy is that? It costs me to $18. You know what I'm saying? A dog, I went to Carvel last week, three Sundays, like $30. I'm like, what the fuck happened here?

This was happy. I was happy. I was happy. This image of you yelling this at a poor Carvel. I'm just saying that people always say, you know, you have to like to lower your blood pressure. Like when my blood pressure is high in the hospital. Like, okay, let's take a breather.

We want you to go somewhere where you're happy. And then they would ask you, like, what's your happy point? You're like, let me tell you something. Right now. All I see my happy point is me laying naked. And right there, you got to stop because they're like, where's this going? You know what this is going. I got three Chinese chicks from the Janet Jackson video if jumping up and down on my face.

You know what I'm saying? And one of them's got her toe in my nose so I could smell a little Chinese toe deep in the crevice of my nose. I don't fucking know. It sounds like you've thought about it before. Oh, yeah. I think about a lot of things. Holy shit. and who are you telling this to?

Like, anybody who comes in to talk to you when you get locked up, a bunch of people usually come in, are you holding up? Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm a tough guy, I'm fine, but you're not really a tough guy. And I'm not just talking about that. Like, I even, I'm in the hospital for four fucking days,

but a third, second day, your blood pressure is still up, and you're thinking about some weird shit. And at that time, I did think about other shit. I said, you know what? this is nothing compared to what I've been through, Ray, a little blood pressure. This ain't none. This is just a fucking minute and time.

I'm not going away. So I looked at it like a positive way. But it's so weird how some things you look at positive and some things you look at it, you're like, who knows what's going to happen? No, you've got to see it. Like, I didn't see none of that shit. And I'm still pissed.

Like, again, this is the type of podcast if you're listening and if you're young, you're like, what the fuck is Joey talking about? This goes back to listening. This goes back to listening. I'm so fucking high. I have confused even myself. You know what I'm saying? Those are good.

But are you talking about like listening to when you're younger of like taking care of yourself? Because you've, since I've known you've been taking me. No, listening to like when you do go to a somewhere. And they're like, you know, think of sometimes when you were happy. I don't know all the situations, maybe, you know, whatever. But people go, you know, think of the time when you were happy. And you really got to, by the time you get stressed out thinking. Like, I'm stressed out just thinking about when I was having.

Right. It's hard to think about it. To be purely happy. And I can tell you generic answers. The birth of my daughter, I was behind a curtain, scared I was going to pass out from all of blood. and watching my wife's snatch blow up. I don't need to watch that shit. Somebody shot it with a double barrel shotgun.

There's blood everywhere. It looks like Kennedy's head. Do you know what? Sounds like it was really tough on you. You know what? It sounds like it was really tough on you. Yeah, it was tough on me. And I went on Google.

And they scared this shit out of me about pregnancy and blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah. I'll never forget, though. the first time I was married. My wife was pregnant. George came to the wedding. He was the best man. And, fucking, George left by that time. And the baby was born in February.

And the plan was there was a Boulder hospital. And then there was a hospital across the street called like the birthing center where women let their hair pits grow. And they have sandals. They do yoga before you're pregnant. And they mediate. they fucking, you know, meditate. It's all going to be fine.

No drugs. It's all natural. And I remember her water broke. And, you know, we took the fucking car over there. And when I got there, they all came out with bongs and hit the drums. You know, the energy of the mountains will heal you. And meanwhile, she's dilating, you know. Oh, my God.

And fucking, they're yelling and screaming. And women are like, what's going on? Like, breathe, breathe. What's that clash you go to? Lamarz. That's a waste of time. That's just a, oh, it's eight weeks of torture. Just take the highest dose edible and put Vizine in your eyes

and look straight ahead and nod when they talk to you. Wait, no, when they're pregnant. Oh, all the guy goes. Trust me, you'll be at all of them with a notepad. She's going to make you write everything down. You're supposed to. No, you're not. You're not supposed to be a half a fag.

Those are the nights you have shows out of town. In fact, you just, got a European tour. Okay. And it's every Thursday. You got to fly out. Let's do it. What time is it six?

Oh my God. I can't. I just, I'm going to miss my child. Listen, it don't work. Let them go with the mom. It doesn't work.

It don't work. Doesn't everyone do it? Yeah, everyone does because they don't know. They're fucking idiots. See if they go back the second time. They go to fucking someplace and eat chicken sticks. They don't go to Lamas the second time. Chicken sticks.

The mothers get fat and they get ready for fucking the bomb to drop. because they know what they're going to go through already. You're not going to use any of that shit. It's like running karate as a kid. You learn eight years of karate. You get beat up in the eighth grade. You didn't even use the karate. How do I know?

Because it happened to me, all right? I thought I was a master and shit. Then they got me. Boom, I went down. No more karate. That was it. I got my $35 a month back. So what do you mean?

They don't use it when they're giving birth? What? They don't actually use like the breathing stuff during birth? Not a fucking thing. What happens? They're yelling, motherfucker.

I hate Jews. Why don't you come into my life? I can't take the pain. Give me more. Give me more. Is that the baby? Breathe. You're like breathe.

Breathe. There's like words they give you like trigger words. Well, not then, but then they had like words you use to calm everybody down. That shit goes out the window. It's like when you bring, it's like when you come early. And you go on.

online and you learn the course on how to fucking take that minute eight minutes to come you know there's a course yeah you practice it for like eight months like oh yeah eight months it's like when you whack off and it last year in the shower right and also you're in there 22 minutes you're like ah wait till i got a piece of pussy this weekend and then you go to the house you take your undies off and there it's your jizz is on your foot and out of the underwear you're like what happened what happened to my jizz cardio Yeah. And you always have, that's why I'm always still like, you have stories about like all that crazy shit.

Like, but oh my God. About what? I don't know, dude. We're just talking about facts here. Like we mentally put all this shit. It doesn't matter. What do you mean it doesn't matter? Like at 62, I'm telling you,

no, this shit matters, guys. If I would have told everybody in my life to go fuck themselves, I would have been a lot better off from day one. Everybody. No, but it's, you know, the idea I'm sitting there going, man, I pandered for a lot of years, and I wish I didn't because, but you have to. You're learning.

You're learning. And it's not that I pandered, but I listened. And when I'm looking at these people, I'm like, maybe they know what they're talking to mine. You're like, they don't. I learned more fucking selling nickel bags than North Bergen I, I did, you know. I can see that.

And I feel like I'm pandering, right? It's not a good feeling when you're not really getting booked yet, like when you're starting to, I don't know, like you do whatever, like you'll do too much. Like, listen, like, I don't know. It doesn't feel good to have a feel like you have no power. And it's cool to listen to you, talk now and be like, oh, I have all the power. I never had any powerly.

You don't think so. You know, I'm thinking about a scenario, 96 and a half. I'm doing comedy five and a half years. Pretty good up in Seattle. I'm a pretty good feature act. I'm dirty. But you know what? I was a hustler.

At least I was going somewhere. At least I thought I was going somewhere. And I had a few incidents with bookers, which is always going to happen. You know, if there's five bookers, you're not going to get along with all of them. Right. No. Unless you pander to all of them. Right.

and if you're going to go against the grain, you better have a reason when they come at you already planned. I.e., what's the biggest problem you have with edgy comics? They can't get booked because they're too edgy. Okay? So they can't, they give up. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's not...

It's definitely harder. It's very hard. Depending on the shows. It's very hard, but you don't... quit, you create your own market. And freaks meet freaks. Yeah, there's definitely a majority of your shows. Freaks meet freaks.

When you declare, you're not like everybody else, which everybody falls into a different category. Some guys want to jump up and down. Some guys want to do magic. Some guys want to work spotless clean. Listen, if you can make a fucking living and feed your kids, I don't give a fuck. If you get on stage and blow lightning,

remember the thing of the little rascals when they shot Yum, Yum, Eat Em Up. Roman candles. If you shoot three Roman candles out of your ass, charge $25 and sell out the garden, who am I to argue with you? I'm up there trying to be witty. Well, my daughter's 12, and you're up there.

Hold on one second, ladies and gentlemen. You play a national anthem. You fucking come out with a red tie like our friend there. You know what I'm saying? You fucking bend over. Why are you bending over? Yeah, because you have to bend over to stick the bottle rocket out your ass. You have a Chinese guy come out.

Shh. and also the little Chinese guy comes out and plays techno for 20 minutes while they stitch up your one-ass cheek and they put fucking calum-mine and they put calamine lotion on the other cheek from the birds and then you go back out there and you stick another thing. I'm just saying, guys, I'm just fucking, it's a joke. Right, I get it. But whatever the fuck you do, I can't.

Like, there's people that go, well, he's a hack or he's the, if he's getting paid, he's doing something right? He's talking somebody. It's like the picture that got beat up by the guy who threw two home runs in a row. The second night, the third night. He came out. Dog, he went from being, yeah, he threw one, bha. And then he threw another pitch, bah.

It was one for each eye. Bro. He went looking from 28 to looking like me. He had bags down to here. The whole series, like, I don't even know where I was going with this. I was just remembering the World Series, you know what I'm saying? but yeah anyway what we talking about you i'm i don't remember no but i'm just saying that as a comic oh bro you're always so anyway i had beef with this

particular lady a bugger she defeated me so basically at that time i had the comedy underground which is a great club to be a part of i had giggles which was the pilot that that was in Vietnam. Again, he's a guy that didn't want you to work unless you were spotless clean. I was there every other week, though, picking up $4.50. Because when he come in the room, I'd work clean. When you step out of the room, I'd go back

to being a magician of death. He never caught it. And then he confused with other people. Who was up there saying, fuck? You know, they would all point to somebody else. I swear to God, he would always go to the other comic. And the other comic wouldn't want to wrap me on. He'd go, it wasn't me.

and he'd come up to me that you don't. All right, I'm going to watch you the second show, but he would park his car by the window outside. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Right. I was in that club. I was in a club in Portland. Not really.

It was like a B-room. And I was in a club called the Volcano Lounge. It was three hours from Seattle. It was Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. That's where I met the chick with all the birth marks on the back. When I went to hugger, I almost melted and fucking passed out. so fucking uh there was this lady guys

every time I would call her I'd say my friend did this room and they said they like comics like me now that room's all booked up to 1998 okay thank you this went on for about three months finally I said you know what

I know how to get around this lady instead of going over the bridge I figured out how to went to go around there. And I did something that nobody would think of. I called her up and started asking for guest sets. Now, there's no booker that's going to turn down a free set. Especially when the guy, you know, it was a little on the funny side.

They liked me because it's the West Coast. Anybody with an East Coast accent, they love. They don't know who I am. They think I'm Tony Danza. They think I'm Tony Soprano. Do you understand? I'm trying to. They relate all those people.

to that. He's from Jersey. He must know Tony Soprano or whatever. And that's fine. It gets him to bond with you. That's not my point. My point is that for 10 or 11 months, I made fucking sure no matter what was going on in my life, I went down there every fucking Wednesday or Tuesday to do one of her rooms, whether it cost me money in my pocket, it cost me an hour drive. I had I'd borrow a car. I made sure I was at one of her rooms every week. Because guess what? She wasn't going to beat me.

I was going to beat her. I was going to get a lot farther in this than she was. And guess what, guys? As the fucking Lord is my witness, that was my attitude at the time. I'm going to get farther in this than she is. She's always going to be a booker in fucking Seattle. Never, ever anything bigger than that.

I'm going to get farther than that. And then I got to LA and I fucked her up. But there were three or four instances like that with her. And in every comedy market, Lee, you're going to have that instance. And I want you to analyze the instance and go, okay, what does that club mean to me? When I first got to the store, I was very fortunate. I got it in a month. But for 18 months, 2000, I saw people down there that could have got more traction by going to a different club.

but in their mind, they didn't perform at the comedy store is the end-all be-all. No, it isn't. Getting on stage is the end-all-be-all. Not you being here every night. Wait, with your mouth open. I'll do 10 seconds.

You know what I'm saying? Like, we got a 10-second spot. I'll do it. You know, 10 seconds. And I'm just exaggerating. But I don't ever want you to look like that. And in New York, you have so many places to go. Yeah, but Joey, listen,

When you're with me, Josh, you get two, 300 people. When you're in the city, all you need is five to get the party started. Oh, I love it. You know, when the three Jews showed up to see Jesus, there was three of them. Right? I've done shows for that. A Jew needs three people. And all of a sudden he's doing magic tricks.

He's fucking shuffling cards. He's doing three card Monty. He's singing us. Who invented vaudeville? The Jews. They sing, they dance, they're Jackson 5. They shuffle and jive. But the problem is, dude, and this is what I've had to do more recently, is you have to hang out now.

Okay. If you want to get in at any club, they have to know. But the first assignment, which you always have done, I credit you for this. You have always gotten yours first. Oh, yeah. Okay? You got to get yours first. So I know that, oh, my God, such and such is performing at 830th the seller.

I might swing down there. No, no, no. Such and such ain't putting a dime in your fucking pocket. Right. You know, that's something I, because I remember when I got here, I think I bought tickets to one of the clubs and you're like, don't do that. We don't do that. We don't do that.

Every once in a while, somebody that we want to see that maybe we watch them and we could get, you've seen some of his YouTube tapes. You ever, I know he has, you ever just go see a band that you heard of? And you kind of like, you heard two songs on independent radio. And you go down there and the place is only two. 280 people and you get to see them raw when they're fucking starving when they're all living in a van and one of them's got BD and the other one is getting chased by his mother for stealing a wedding band you know that's talent 20 years from now when they're fucking gazillionaires they're like

guns and roses you know they got 28 people playing the songs they're just out there fucking and I'm not saying nothing bad about guns and wrong I love guns and roses so that's that's you feel. And I felt like that dog at the store. You're fucking ready to go up with the material of your life. And all of a sudden, somebody comes in and bumps your ass. You're like, God damn it. Or somebody comes in and does three or four fucking hours. I had my heartbroken every week, once a week on demand, whether it was fucking, you know, whether it was acting, stand up or show that got pulled from me because the people found the tape of me

that was dirty from Halloween 82 years ago shit like that Would cancel spons? Oh Is there a tape you put up? Really? You know, I don't, people find shit, man.

People find shit. And next thing you know, you're canceled? Not cancel. They'll pull you out because a club owner told them you were dirty. You know, these club owners talk. some of them are good friends maybe one is in Kansas City but the other one's in Milwaukee so they cross paths so they talk about the comedians as they come through it's the same

market they want to know what's going on you know so and it's crazy because like it's stuff like it's all jokes and your fans know that but for it to come out it could look like it could look bad like is that what like is that something you worry about come out what I don't know like if they took a joke out of context listen where we live today where we live today, we live in such a, I don't even know how to say the word without getting, sound like an asshole.

Flimsy Flamsey. With such a, this one week you love me, one week you don't. One week they love, Kelsey, his girlfriend. Swift. What's the name? Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift. And two weeks later, the Swifties are up in arms. which is bullshit. But it's always something. It's a life of balances. You're not always going to be the king. If not everybody would do it forever.

Right? So you have to go through that. So you as a person have to always be prepared for that. What are they going to come up with fucking next? We live in a society now that they could, bro. You know how we always goof around with kids in California? Putting weed together that's stronger than the shit. That next thing you know, your eyes are popping out of your head.

in two years, you're going to be smoking 41% shit. There's 35% shit now that's stock now at stores. That means in a year you're going to be smoking 48% shit, which there's some of that shit too. I buy it every week, the gunpowder. Think of what these kids are going to do with AI. You're not going to be able to even walk down the street. Why not?

Because I'm a young kid and, oh my God, that's Lee Syatt. I recognize them. He did Rogan one time with that other idiot Diaz. Let's tape him. And they just tape you walking. And also you stop at a hot dog place and you get a hot dog. And you fucking do all the right thing. You tip the guy, but you throw the rapper in the garbage and you walk away.

Two hours later, you're walking down Manhattan. And all of a sudden you're eating a fucking lizard. They put up a lizard meat. And the guy still, the lizards alive when they're boiled it. And they're going to stab it and pull it on a bun. You know, this is a real. Do the reality is they don't even need to tape you doing it. I have that app.

I put up a couple videos. Oh yeah. You had on in Philadelphia. Stop. Don't do that anymore. Don't do that no more. I didn't have footage of that. I just typed in Lysai and eats a cheese steak and then the Jew.

I saw that. I saw that and had to call my therapist that better help right off the back. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure you got a couple other things to talk about. Yeah. I got a lot of problems. I got a lot of fucking problems. but I ain't got no pilgrim suit dressed as a Jew.

Yeah, me either. That's embarrassing. You think I have that in my closet? Yeah, but you put it on. Nobody has it in their closet, but if the guy puts his dick in your ass, there you are, you know what I'm saying? I have no idea.

Me neither. It doesn't matter. Oh. You know, we're living in a society right now that you could go on stage, say some shit, and people are going to post something, and you know what?

Listen, and this, I was speaking to one of our old dear friends today, from L.A. Right outside. I was waiting for a parking spot, but I wasn't. I just want to remember it was his birthday plus. It's our friend's death anniversary. And Charles Bronson died today, too, I think. So I think.

But we were talking and he goes, I'm having a lot more fun doing stand-up. I go, so Simone, so the fucking mind. I go, why? Because I have no parameters. anymore. The personal parameters and the personal boundaries I put on myself over the years that somebody's watching, that disappeared. There's no producer watching me in Morris Plains, New Jersey, and there's no producer going to be there on a Saturday night in D.C.

Some casino. And I know this going in. For years, it was always in the back of your mind, not as much on the road, but in your home club. You're not performing. always working on it. I was talking to Aaron Berg today. And he's like, so are you going to run your new hour? What new hour are you fucking talking about? You don't go by hours. You go by bids.

There's no hour. I'm going to run because I'm not selling it. I'm not selling it. The fly is back, Lee. It's winter time. He's back. Oh, my God. Look at him.

He's back. I recognize that motherfucker anywhere I see him. And they come over to me. He's going to go right into your hood. and fucking go back to Manhattan with you and then you'll see him. He's here, though. He's here, Lee. Let's see if he lands on me or you.

That's the boy right there. He's excited to be back. Look at him. He's going right to the... There he goes. Right to Johnny Hummus. He's gone. No?

Look, there he goes. Same thing. This is what I'm saying. He's going to go right over there in the garbage and sit there until you come. Then he's going to shoot right into your fucking little hood. Your fly is back. Look at that. All right.

Motherfucker. You been eating out of that Indian stuff. Same difference. That Indian shit is great. My bad man. I'm going to get you some Indian food. So that's the... There's some Indian food, yeah.

That's the thing. Right now you're in New York. Lee. I am. You're in New York City. You're trying to advance. So I understand. When you get on stage with us on a Wednesday,

that Lulu's house of... whatever, or the dojo. Think about it. You have no weight on your shoulders. Think how different the bucket show would be if I did that at the stand. Yeah. I think it'd still be great.

Why? Because MTV might be there. The soap operas might be there. Somebody might be there. You know, I mean... Somebody wants to shoot a special. Somebody wants to do this. Somebody wants to do that.

Think about it. When you do a show with me and Point Pleasant, ain't nobody going to come up to the after one and go, oh, my God, we just have an idea for a TV show for CBS. But, like, why do you think? You and your pet fly are going to move into a resort in Montclair, New Jersey. It's very nice.

He's circling you. No, where is it? He's nowhere around here. You're just lying in the audio. Where is it? I know Lee's fly as soon as I say it. Yeah, because you rip their wings off and keep them at an experiment. I've been knowing.

What are you talking about? What do you mean? a day. I'm talking about your original fly in the office. That motherfucker took him five years to find you. He is so happy right now. He's been looking at the back of milk carts for fucking weeks.

Looking for little leads. Oh, my God. So yeah, right now you're looking at that and that's the difference that you have. And I've been there, but I didn't know I was doing it at the time. I've been there, but I didn't know I was doing it at the time. What was I doing? I don't know.

was try to do stand-up. Listen, when we were in California, doing stand-up in a bar in Boston on Tuesday, is completely different than me pulling you down to AAA show at the store on a Tuesday night, correct? Oh, yeah. You're playing for what? You're playing for keeps.

You're not fucking around. In Boston, you go up, the worst thing that could happen is the club closes the following week after you bomb. That was Hartford, but in L.A., what's the worst thing that could happen? Career could be over in theory. it's a different stress level.

It's so many things. For the first time in years, I feel it. And I saw it in you in Florida. That's the first time. Because, see, I think about all this shit. You think I'm goofing on you that you get married. And, you know, I was thinking about what led up to that air. That's it.

You weren't in New York. You weren't trying to fight your way into a contest. You weren't at the Luxor at midnight. I feel like you guys probably bought a fucking flying. But do you see what I'm saying to you? But I'm happy that came out because now you know that monster exists. Right. And now you'll use it more in New York and in other places.

You have to pause and do all that. But in New York, you were Russian because you're trying to get the answer. You're trying to get them to like you. In Florida, you were just trying to be funny. Okay. That's fair. You didn't know this, but this is what the other wheels are doing. one in your head. Remember, you have your, listen, I'm no fucking Hannibal like the year,

but you got one side of your head that fucking likes the party and all this shit. But then the other side of the coconut is your Jew part. Either you got that or you don't. You know what saying? That's the part that makes you wake up in the morning and, you know, pimped out bitches and fucking. Pimping up. Jesus Christ. Yeah, who's a pimp before anything? He started out as a He did? Yeah, in Tel Aviv. You didn't know that. Netanyahu had bitches 30 years ago.

He was an operative, but he also, hey, like the man says, pimping it ain't easy, but it sure was fun. But think about it. All the, all the, like, when I first moved here, I was having a hard time connecting jokes. The jokes were always there. It's like me tapping you on the shoulder and going, hey, you know, three priests are sitting there.

that's the same thing. It's the connection that counts, and I had lost that. The pandemic, whatever the fuck made me lose that. I see you building that. You just were out of practice for a little bit. No, no, no, no, no. I know practice, and I know connection. Okay.

I know when I used to do comedy after being sober for five or six nights, and I knew how it feel when I did an ape all the night before. The jokes were the same. But there was something missing. That connection was missing. Again, I guess that's what you're talking about with me in Florida. Because me opening, like, I think the difference when I open up for your crowds is I'm lucky enough that a lot of them like me already. And like, I've bombed in front of your crowds.

I'm not saying I always do great. I've bombed in front of your crowds. But when I do well, it's a little bit easier. Thank you. No, I'm just teasing. No, I know. I had some good ones. But when it goes.

well, it's like it goes, especially in front of that, that many people, it's like, when it goes, well, it was, it's crazy. You know, when I walk into jih Tzu class, there's a big thing up, when I'm walking up the stairs and I'm huffing and I got to pee, there's always this big thing that says, uh, battles are always won before they're fought. And I really, really think that's stand up. I think that's 80% of things.

When you really break it down. But when it comes to stand up, I really believe that. It starts, some days you can write all day, right? You're in front of the mirror. A little loving and chucking. Your jokes are working. You're giggling. And I don't know.

I don't fucking know. Anything could fucking trigger you or I got to stop saying the word trigger. It's a fag word. No, but it's not a bad trigger because it does. I don't know. No, it's not the word isn't trigger. It affects you. Something happens from the stairs.

Like I'm using, I can't use the dojo. I got to use somewhere at the comedy store. You're in the back. They're announcing you. Okay. There's those two curtains. In the main room.

In the main room, the secret is to go through the first curtain, but always get stuck in the certain curtain. So you get a laugh. You got stuck. It's like walking into a spider web. Gotcha. The Munsters.

You see what I'm saying, dog? I was learning that shit back from the Munsters. You walk into a spider web. You always like hit it and go away and pick up a leg and throw a sidekick. It's a spider, right? That's so funny. Same thing with the second stage, with the second curtain. But right there, when he says your name and you turn into the fucking audience,

you either lose it or you go like a fucking animal. So let's go back to San Diego, O'Hoya. You're here. Lee Swat. Bam. Okay. I don't mean to redo it. That's what it felt like.

I don't mean to redo it. No, it's fine. It was true. And I wasn't ready for it. And we all. Something must have happened to me. Hey, your shoelace is untied. Well,

and all of a sudden, you're up on stage, eating a bag of dicks, thinking this is the tape that's going to get you into the Aspen Comedy Festival. You know, because I remember those days, too,

when I had a month to make a tape. A month. To make an aspirin. And they wanted $35 for me to send with the tape. And that was the only thing that was holding me back, $15 more, I got a half a gram of Coke. That was a tough competition for me to enter. Did you enter it? I finally got a tape at a black club.

It was horrible. The tape of the club? The club was great. But at that time, I had been doing comedy, maybe 18 months a year. Very unorthodox, very sloppy, still lost. And I got into a black club in Denver. Club mix. His name was Kuali or something like that.

Great fucking kid. He used to always tell me, when you're ready, I'll get you a spot at the comedy store and all this shit. You almost did, Cuba. So I would go down there on Sundays after I dropped my daughter off. I would force myself to go to a black club on Sundays. And they only like two white acts,

me and the veterinarian. all the other white axe they would throw shit at. You would do, my God, you would do... What I mean, shit? Like, was it like bottles or like... Coons. Fucking jellos, whatever they had in their hands, they threw at you. Was it an open mic?

No, it was a Sunday night show. But guess what? In those days, they would bring in headliners who probably made $1,000 a night. Guess who those headliners were when I was in the open mic section of it? fucking teeter the motherfucking

K. Kirkland D.L. Hugley the guy who died from the Kings of Comedy. Bernie Mac. I met him at that in that room. I met him in that room. I met Cedric the entertainer. That sounds like a fucking fun room. I didn't know who they were. They were flying in every week from Midwest. Just for the show?

Just for the show on Sunday nights. It was part of a black kind of circuit. They did like Denver and Omaha and whatever. Okay. So I didn't fucking know nothing about this shit. They just told me it was a Sunday night. So I would drop my daughter off and it was on East Kofax. And I would go up there and they would put me on first.

And I would, the first time I went up there and ate a bag of dick, but he told me to come back. I see some hope and shit. So I went back like two weeks later. And this time I went up to black music. I went up to TLC. Like one of those, you're a rec creep? Yeah.

One of those jams. And I went out dancing and I did better and I go, holy shit. I'll go out dancing. I, dog, if I had six minutes of material, it was a lot. And I would improvise like eight. What sort of dancing would you do? Like the kind of dance they do on Soul Train, you know. On the way of the mic or something?

Yeah, the same way you wiggle up on stage in any song. But I would extend it and they would go crazy. And then I would attack the crowd and call them. People who they look like. So I would make fun of people. Like, I would, it wasn't, you know. You'd open your show like that? Yeah, it was a comedy.

It wasn't really comedy, but it was the best. It got laughs at that, bet. It did okay. And he would, he would make me sit there for three hours. Who's he? At the end of the night, he'd go, I got you, homie. And I would wait to get paid, and he'd give me $5 bills and a drink ticket. And I'd have to drive home when he needed that $5 for gasoline for the way home, dog.

Like a single $5? He would just give you $5? Five singles. Oh, Jesus. And they weren't even together. They were all single. No, they weren't crumbled, but they were all separate. Did they ever give me any quarters?

No, no. But guess what? I went there every fucking Sunday. Fuck yeah. And I got a spot. Every Sunday was four spots a month. That were extra. Four spots a month.

Four spots a month. And then one fucking Sunday I went there. I didn't go for like two or three weeks in a row. And that one week I didn't go to the, was a shootout. They killed two people. So I went the next day. There was fucking orange tape everywhere.

Because I worked out there. I worked towards out there. Okay. So I went out by the thing to see what it happened. And there was never a club mix show again. M-I-X-X. Club mix. I would love to.

That's like one of my like bucket list things. I've always wanted to play a black club. And I haven't done it yet. I don't do, do they still exist? Yeah. Oh, my God, there's a, there's a home, no, no, no, like underground. Like, even when you get to Austin, Texas, when you get to Austin, you think comedy mothership or the creek in the cave, when you get right by the airport, there's a club there. And I was watching, maybe it's Roscoe's Comedy Club?

I've seen a lot of shows out of there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's black, maybe it's not. Maybe it's not. I don't know. But there's every city has a little underground black club. Maybe she's 250. every other Saturday, a guy comes through, old timer.

They've got to be like an old timer that the black community knows, maybe not even from the internet. It's kind of weird. That's cool, though. I've always wanted to see how I do there. It's like, I don't know. It would do great. I mean, it would teach you a different.

Listen, it would teach you. I got lazy because I was doing them in L.A., and then I bombed and I ever went back. I bond and that was it Because when you bomb like that in the black glove Oh yeah It ain't no bueno You understand me

So after that I just went with the mind And then I started bombing And black rumors across the country And that's fucking ugly That's ugly I bombed in Charlotte in a black room I blonde in a couple fucking cities In black rooms

Detroit I bombed horribly at not one club, at two of their clubs, back to back. Okay, so I know all about that shit. So at one point, you know, I thought I was going to slip in the black door, speak a little blacker and dance, and because I knew a lot of black history shit. Well, James Brown, shit. Like, I just knew stupid shit about Harlem, you know, shit like that.

So I thought I would get away with it, but it doesn't replace writing jokes. And it doesn't, you know, in fact, When I got to LA, the big thing was people picking a genre. All of a sudden, your great grandmother was Panamanian. You never spoke Spanish in your life around me, but all of a sudden, you're part of Latino night. I wasn't mad at you as a player because you've got to get yours and get your spot.

Right. But now all of a sudden, you're fucking Panamanian, George. I know you're 20 years. Every week you're eating meatballs and sandwiches. All of a sudden, now you're long-lost grandmas. mother's Panaman. So I used to get, and then it went away. Latino comedy really went away.

It stopped. You then so? Oh, when I got to L.A. in 97, dog, It's will put money in my pocket. I'm never going to fucking criticize it. But it was putting money in my pocket. Money, Coke money, and I could pay rent. And it was every other weekend in all those, you know, where you got, Seamy Valley, all those towns, all those fucking farmer towns.

Yeah. I did all those shows. And I would go up there. They pay me $500 in the theater. Damn. For a weekend, for two shows. That's like, that would be like fucking... Christmas.

Huh? Christmas. Christmas. I remember opening for Paul Rodriguez, three shows. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Oh, shit. That's like a thousand bucks. Sacramento, all up in Northern California.

And they still have great comics doing something. shows there, but, like, I think the difference is, like, the guys who you mentioned doing shows with back then, like, they all, like, blew up. Like, you're like, well, it was Gabriel Felipe and, like, it's all, like, really successful comics. And, like, maybe, like, they just had, like, were successful and had really good shows before they got really successful. But, like, they don't really, there's still great shows down there. I've done a bunch of great shows in Orange County. I think that the concept of getting your own room, besides some comics that still do it,

but they still don't do it right. Me getting a room and not paying you is bullshit. Okay, everybody in that room should be getting something. If you're charging for tickets. Okay, if you're charging for tickets, but a lot of people at that level will get $300 for a budget, we'll pay out of $150, they swallow the $150, they get the feature for free,

and everybody else works for free. and they each got like a fucking coupon for a soda. No, everybody should get $10. $10, bro, when you're a young comic, $10 goes a long way, though. Because everywhere else you're going, nobody's giving you shit. Dude, if you're in L.A. or New York,

it's not even getting paid. It's not having to pay to do comedy. Open mics are, you spend a lot of money if you're in L.A. or New York doing open mics. Fucking parking and no. No, no. Paying to do the open. The clubs are the venues charge.

you like five, six bucks. And that's horrible. Yeah. That's fucking horrible. You know, it's just a lot of people have forgot. I came up at a time where people built their rooms. And man, I'm, look, Denver 94. Denver 94-95 is where everything.

And it wasn't because I was doing a rooms. or opening up for A comics, it was because I was working and getting paid in combat zones. I was working in combat zones, dog. I'm a fucking East Coast dude, and I was doing comedy shows on Wyoming on Friday and Saturday.

I was doing Montana on Friday and Saturday. This was before Tribble. This was with a friend of mine who was a motorcycle mechanic and booked comedy rooms on the weekends. This motherfucker paid my rent for a year ahead of time because he would always fill in the gaps. My rent was $400.

This guy would, I would just call him up and go I'm coming out to pick up rent. It's okay. I got a gig for you on the 23rd. I got Greeley on the 8th. I got this. That's awesome. And it was, you know, it was unfucked unbelievable. And how, like, as much shit as I talk about people who don't do anything for you,

like, how much do you love that guy who would give you those 400? If he called you for a show right now, you'd probably do it. I'd do it. He called me. hit me up on Facebook to call him because his son didn't believe a story I told on a podcast years ago. His son, I called him right away. I can't think of his name right now. I'm a little on the high side. But that guy and there's another guy that I've told the story about, but never told the outlast. When I started calmly, I met this guy at an open mic and really, which belonged

to the guy we're talking about. I met this certain comic. And we did a show together. We didn't speak much. You know, how are you doing? How long have you been doing this eight months? How long have you been doing this two days? Like, seriously, when I met him, that was my second show ever.

So I met him. And then what's on? I don't bump into this guy until December 18th of 1991. This was like the 24th. Fourth of July and 91. I'm bumping into this kind of finals of a contest.

If you were talking about contests, we'll wrap it up with this. Okay. And fucking, that night, when they were putting us into different groups, I got a call over to the table

with the fucking people who ran the contest for it. And they're like, this guy says you're cheating that you're a pro. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And he goes,

you got five hours that night. my God. Gass. And I didn't deny it. I go, it was for gas. It wasn't my performance. I go, then again, you got five dollars too. He goes, yeah, but I didn't take it.

I go, stop. You took the fucking five dollars. Like he's trying to keep his professional. Yeah, he tried to get me to qualify. I was ready to throw hands with this motherfucker. Yeah, I was ready to throw hands with this motherfucker. But one thing led to another, and they let me perform. And I ended up winning.

I wanted a check. I wanted the hosting job. And you know what? I didn't see him for a cop. couple months. And then somebody said, his name was Andy Payton. There you go. And then one night somebody said he had a room. And dog, I'm a hustler. I need to get on stage. I'm not looking to get paid. And I went down into this room. We started talking. He was like, listen, man, what I'll do is this. He goes, I got, what this guy was doing was he had no job. Today, he's a

mayor of a town, a small town in color. He probably passed away by now. Good dude. Good white man. Dead! Anyway, he was a good white man. I'm not going to lie to anybody. Because he told me this guy used to very smart, and I learned a lot because he used to go. He lives in Cliffside. He lives in North Bergen.

He would do a fuck. He'd drive to PA. He would drive all the way to PA. And he'd fucking get like four bars in a row. that we're 25 minutes away from each other. And he'd go into each of them. How are you guys doing?

What's your slowest night? Man, we got nothing going on on Sunday. How about I coming here and do an open mic? We'll start with $150 a week. Well, we don't know. Just started out. And he would do that in four of those bars and get three accounts.

Better than nothing, right? It's a great way to make money. But he would do that in three different places. And he would sell him out? No. He never sold anything out, that poor bastard. But if it sat 80 people, he got 40 in there. And what he would do is it was the law diminishing returns.

Not the law diminution returns. So he would start in Edgewater and Fort Lee and do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, three different places. Two in Edgewater, Rumba Latina, a place in Fort Lee. Lee and another place towards going to Englewood Cliffs on Saturday that starts late at 10 because they dance with the South of Stars. 8 to 10.

Starts at 10. That room pays like 200 bucks and he would do him for like two or three weeks. Then he would come on. It's against the grain. He's going to lose a fucking Wednesday because we didn't get enough people and he's going to lose Friday because your comics are too dirty. But he's

already got those two in place. But he's already got Union City, Hoboken, and Jersey City. He started with five rooms there because how much action is there in Hoboken and how much action is there in Jersey City? Well, after three weeks, he's going to lose two rooms there.

But he still has four rooms left and the two up here. And he would build on those fucking things. And then when they would get big enough, he put together a newspaper, ladies and gentlemen. A comedy newspaper? about comedy events in the area and art events. And fucking, he put posters and he got advertising from George and he got advertising from Union City Department of fucking arts.

And he fucking would put the newspaper in your bar for free. So when you went to Rudy's or Patsies or the Chinese place you like or Elm Begante, where we go for Cuban food, whatever the fuck, Las Blis. I miss El Brigante. I'm sorry. When you go to these places, on the way in, you're fucking bored.

You know the menu. You'd pick up the fucking newspaper. And you'd read about local comics. And guess who wrote in there? Who had an article in there by Jewish Affairs every week? Rich Voss. Guess who had an article about marriage? marriage tips, Lee Syatt.

He's getting ready for a marriage. The whole newspaper was written by comics. That's cool. They wanted to learn how to write. That's really fun. Fuck, yeah, it's fun. And then they sold advertising. He paid the comedians from the advertising money. And all the bars that did comedy at his place got free advertising in the newspaper.

Nice. Come on, bro. It's a no-brainer. So I always admired that... Did you write a column? No, no, no. I couldn't even write jokes. Right, I was having a hard time to sit there with a petting a piece of paper. But it was very weird that I saw

what he did at the time. There was another kid named Jimmy that this guy had a week, a new comedy room every 10 days. And some of them paid, a lot of them paid. And he always paid me. So when I left here in 93,

I was going through what you were going through. I'm like, I can't do this no more. I'm going to Hamburg, Harry's, at 5.30 at night. I got to leave Cliffside, walk over the bridge, then take the A train down and fucking walk, 10 more fucking blocks, and sign up. Then they pick a fucking number. And in those days, you had bananas,

you had nothing in Jersey, but everything in Jersey was in the middle because Bill Bellamy, Bill Bellamy, and Jay Moore lived in fucking whatever. There was a little comedy newspaper back then, the Village Voice. and the Village Voice had a section for comedy. So when you went in there,

it talked to you about the Boston Comedy Club and the Village Underground, I think. There was only two clubs. And I still remember George bringing me home a Village Voice and me going over there in July of 93,

and it was Felicia Michaels, Nick DePaulo, but most importantly, it was Dave Chappelle, fresh off Robin Hood, Men in Tights. Oh, shit. And I paid like $10 for that show.

Of course. It was always over there. It was like three or four nights a week. That's crazy. So that's how I knew about comedy in the village. But I didn't know about all the other open mics. You know, I didn't know how to even get access to him. I was doing what you're doing, Lee.

And finally I called home and Jimmy's like, nah. I got four rooms on a Tuesday, three rooms on a Wednesday. The only thing we didn't have was weekend work. Yeah, that's hard to get. That's why I delivered Chinese food and so. cocaine. You see what I'm saying? There was always, there was, there's always an angle Lee, you know what I'm saying? And it's cool because like even, like I follow a side splitters on Instagram and they had Doug Stanhope do it, like a noon show on Saturday. So like,

because you were talking about it's tough for a dirty comic and I'm not a dirty comic at all, but like there is like people use it as an excuse and it's not because like, he can sell, you can sell like you're a dirty comic. There's dirty comics who do major clubs and do theaters and it's not like... Define dirty. Define what is dirty. Define. Am I going up there talking about pussy

or dick every 45 minutes? No. You mention it. I mean, what is defined dirty? Define edgy. Define shock. You know, what are all these things? I think I do a little bit of each of those fucking things.

I would agree with you. Right? I think I steal from, all those categories. A little bit of shock, a little bit of fucking this, a little bit of that, and you mix it up a little bit,

you chuck and jive, you got a left hook, you got a right up a cut, you got a fucking knee of the balls, and you got a couple fucking weapons in you. Well, from an open mic comedian, that's the problem I have

with some dirty open micers is you're talking about like all that, like the boxing, all they go with is haymakers and they're tail like that's not good. Boy, here's the problem. Don't ever worry about

dirty open micrers because we were just discussing this again. I started clean. I really, really, really, really, really believed in my heart that I could work clean. And then it went from clean to a little edgy as far as attitude was concerned. And that, and then Dice came into the thing, and the attitude grew. and eventually 20 years later, I put it into a fucking act. Right.

But I still remember sitting at comedy clubs and it would be comic behind comic talking about the head of the border fetus, how they were going to step on it and all this shit. That's terrible.

When it's dirty and it's got nowhere to go, those guys don't last long in the business. If they do, they attract the same six idiots and they find their own hangout and they're there every week tapping themselves in the back to see who could be the dirtiest comic. Yeah, that's not what you are.

You could be as dirty as you want, but your heart has to come out somewhere there. There has to be a connection there. So the audience knows that you're just fucking around in a sense. You're a little committed to it. What you're talking about is probably real and you probably don't do it, but because you smile when you say it

and your heart comes out and your microphone, how you're holding it, or the way your hand is up, because people are looking at your hand. Interesting. They're looking at your hands. How are you raised? What does this mean?

Stop. So whatever the fuck is going on here, so please understand, this is a complete fucking art here. This is not just going, when you're young and if you want me to sit here and tell you I didn't do it, I'm fucking lying to you.

My nose is going to grow bigger than Pinocchio's. We all come out there if I had dice. I had dice. So I tried, and Georgia tell you, I tried a few, what if Godzilla comes back, you know, what if the speakers fall out of the window? Yeah, you know, you want me to sit here and tell you everything was brilliant? No, it took years to find the style.

And, you know, people are calling this certain type of comedy, like, I don't know what they're calling it, but it's not. It's a style of comedy that because you have a smile at me telling you to go fuck yourself and me telling you to go fuck yourself, it's two different things. That's very true. Okay, me calling you a fucking spick motherfucker and me going, you know what? You're just a spick motherfucker, though. There's two different fucking things. Okay, so some people don't even see that beauty because their world is so fucking dark, they don't see it.

And there's nothing you could do about that. I'm sure you come watch me sometimes, and I watch you, and I know sometimes you're like, how is you getting away with that? I mean, watching you, yes. How is he getting away with that? Number one is 34 fucking years. What's also, I mean... Maybe 40 years because I used to rob drug,

You gotta be funny in prison to not get beat up. I was gonna say, dude, I think of more about you getting away with things in real life than I do with on stage. On stage, I kind of get it. Because there's like very few things. I'm like, you know me, I'm nervous as fuck. On stage, I'm not. I'll say almost anything to anybody. But I had, fuck, I had a point.

Right before, I don't know. God damn it. See what happens when you're not in training anymore. I am in training anymore. I am in training. But we stopped light today. We start light. I don't want to give you $1,500.

I didn't want to give you a $500. What are you talking about? I don't know. Oh, he's gone. What were you talking about? I don't know. Being nervous on stage. Who the fuck knows?

You hungry? Always. All right. Let's go eat something. Where are you at this week, beautiful? This week, the first thing is actually, today when you wake up, My stand-up on the spot is out. So I'm really excited about that.

It's on YouTube. Just stand-up on the spot. Great episode. Neil Brun and Drew Dunn, me, Jeff Asim, has a lot of, Ian Finance, a lot of great people.

Very excited about it. And I have shows around New York. Next big shows are with you on Saturday in Maryland. Very excited for the casino. That's MGM Grand Harbor. Yeah. The Grand Harbor Theater.

Oh, yeah, motherfucker. It's going to be a fucking awesome. I'm so excited to go play some Blackjack and do some... I got to make sure I'm good after Florida. After you're talking about for Florida. And then the next big one is the 13th through the 15th. I'm opening for Josh Wolf at Laughbosson.

Look at you and shit. That's my boy. I'm just excited about Wednesday night. I'm excited about the night before Thanksgiving in Philadelphia. We're back at fucking parks. Going back to Cali. Cat...

Going back to Cat... What? I don't think so. Are we doing this? Are we doing something Wednesday? Huh? You said Wednesday night. Wednesday at 26. We're a fucking November 26th.

Oh, that one. Before part. And then December 6th, we're at. Virginia. At the, uh. Cesar's in Danville, Virginia were going to be there. Very excited.

I'm going to be there. I'm going to be Virginia in fucking years. I want to eat some peanuts. Huh? I want to eat peanuts. They have they. I think I drove to Virginia. Listen, listen.

Listen, listen. Stop. You stop. It's great. They put it in Coke. I want to try it. This is the Pantheon at Caesars, Virginia. Friday, December 5th.

Friday, December 5th. Boop. Doop. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joey bananas or what? So we got three big ones coming up, Lee. Very excited.

I don't want to hear no story. And then I don't know what's going to happen. We were discussing your basketball party on night. We got a location. We got a hotel That's all that matters And your wife cannot come We're just gonna

That's fine We're just gonna kidnap you off the street Like they did that agent From the FBI In fucking Mexico Kiki Camarena Remember how they took them off the street And arc up?

No, how did they take them? They fucking put a bag over his head And they put him in a Volkswagen And that was You threw who's Who's gonna be lifting me Is this gonna be Georgia Nick? No, no, no, no

We're not even gonna be around We're going to hire three guys Take you off the street Boom Mike from the fucking Nojo Two guys work for ice part time Oh good

And the other guy is just a Mexican guy He's a specialist Just gonna take you off the street Bring it to the location Dress you up Starve you for six hours Because the chat The chubby

We're starving with this It's like starving for six hours We're just going to shoot those Zempicking you Every hour on the hour Oh, I can use it A different thigh And then we got the chubby girl, the black girl getting ready, eating peanut buttercups, the whole thing.

And we got a prime. She's going to start about 1.15. And at 9 is when the bats are party starts. But before the festivity start, we're going to bring you out blindfold it. Oh, my God. Grow you on your hands and knees. Your hands are going to be tied behind your back. I'm not telling nothing behind my back.

We're going to open up your fucking mouth and put like a ball in there, like one of those sex balls. And that black chick's going to fart right in your mouth with that sex ball. You're going to have an option. If you don't want to come to the wedding, just you don't have to come. This sounds like, this sounds terrible.

Why are you talking about, this sounds terrible. It's not like a bachelor party than I want. Yeah, what are you going to do? Sing around and tell juice stories. No. My head's got a lap dance.

Why don't I have to have to have some part of it? Who gets a lap dance at a bachelor party? What are you 10? That's what I did when I went to my fucking eighth grade prom. You know what I'm saying? We got to go deep. This is you only going to do it one time. you know, the black chas gonna fart in your mouth.

And then she's gonna, she's gonna have them. I'm gonna send my flies to everywhere you are. My flies, my flies and I'm gonna be in with you on stage. I know you like to get whipped and beat up a little bit. Kick you and do things to your asshole

with wax and shit. You ever get that? I was doing shit to my ass. Yeah, yeah. This is not a party. This is a party. And then we got like six girls coming in. There's nowhere.

And then. We're paying top dollar. We're getting the medically check. You can't. They're all giving blood, everything. Why are they giving blood? Because we want to make sure you can eat ass, everything. I don't want to eat ass.

This is your best party. Oh, yeah. All of them are going to have hair on their pussy, so you take a little souvenir home. You really don't know how to sell a part of this. Everybody's going to be fucking. The worst part you ever been to. Blood tests,

smear test, everything. I don't want a blood test. Not you, all the six chicks. And you're going to get the reports the next day. I don't want any reports. Because you're going to be, we're going to fuck you up that night. We got smelling salts. Oh, Jesus.

We got fucking MGMD, whatever that shit. What the fuck is MGMD? The shit that you dance for 12 hours. Oh, Jesus. Thank you. It's going to be a good bat's a party. Oh, this sounds terrible. And we're going to hold you in captivity for a day so you could, you know, shoot IVs in you and all that shit.

Get your back. So you're back by the podcast by Monday. We will be off December 7th. You're visiting your family. But once you get back, That's when we'll plan the batts a party and we'll get this party started. That's it. I'm excited for Lee.

Lee wants a wedding. He wants to get married. It's going to be a, we're going to give you a 10 days. You know what's that song? On the 11th day of Chris, miss. Watch those fucking 12 days. That shit starts on Georgie's birthday.

Georgie's birthday is the 12th. Of what? December. And that's when we start our countdown to Lee's wedding on the 27th of December. Yeah, I need to be sober. So by that time, get the tuxedo, get all that shit. Because we're just going to captivate you one night. We're just not going to, we're not captivate you.

Kidnap you. But it's a different word. I got to watch Law & Order. Oh, my God. We're going to squest you. It's amazing that you're just like a lot to say this and it's going to happen. And, like, no, we're not going to say anything. You just said it.

It's recorded. I have the experience within the, the first of all, this ain't going to be no just fat chick from Newark farting your mouth. No one's farting in my mouth. This chick wants a small feat. I got to start a Patreon for you and a go fund me. Andy GoFund me.

This chick wants 10 grand. This chick, I would give her 20. You wait until you see her body. She wants to fart in your face, but she's one of these skinny chicks that likes to eat. That's not going to be good. And she's going to blow it.

First, you've been promising me something else. No, no. First she's going to open up your eyes because you're going to have a mask on. I'm going to slit your eyes over here, open up your eyeballs, and she's going to show you how she farts and blows out a candle

from three feet away. That's really nice. Just a little slight machine gun, ta-da-da-da-ta. And then she's going to blow the big one right into your fucking mouth. No one's doing that. And listen to me, you're going to love it.

You're going to fall off the bench. We'll give you with the asthma spray. Yeah, I have those. We're going to give you a couple of those when you get up. And then we're going to feel. Dude, if anyone parts in my mouth, there's going to be a... And then the six chicks are coming in.

Stop. Crime. We're flying them in. We're going to do fucking interstate kidnapping like Diddy. There's going to be a Diddy type of party. We're getting that pink cocaine. We're doing it all, though. How much baby oil?

No baby oil. Everything's rough. What do you mean? You just had a Diddy party. Listen, what are you, a masseuse? I'm not a masseuse either. You can't have a Diddy party with a baby oil. It's not a Diddy party.

Ditty party's in jail. You just said a Diddy party. Don't even mention Diddy party. This is going to surpass day. There's no victims. See, with us, nobody ables Spanio. That's the other treat I got for you.

Nobody knows English. And everybody's going to be sequestered on the way in. Nobody's even going to know where they're in. Sequested? The six chicks, the black chick. Only like three or four you guys are going to know where it's at. You're not even going to know. Nobody can save you.

We're going to throw your phone away. We're going to step on your SIM card. It's all over. Anyway, why disgust the fucking situation? I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great day. It's November 4th, Jack. Get ready for a fun-filled month.

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