Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - PRACTICING ORGANIZED SAVAGERY | #237 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Monday, April 3, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!    Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH    This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & The Freeze Pipe…   DRAFTKINGS   New customers can bet $5 on a pre-fight moneyline & get $150 in bonus bets if their fighter wins. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY.   Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA), Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI /NH /NJ/ NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Bonus bets (void in MA/NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-fight moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Bonus Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Bonus bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Bonus Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/mmaterms.    THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code DIAZ at https://TheFreezepipe.com   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Minimum an age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Now without further ado, let's get this fucking party started. What's happening, you savages? It's Monday, April the third. The first quarter of the year is gone. I hope you got something accomplished. Time is moving fucking fast, Jack.

I don't even know where the fuck is going after time. But think about it, the first quarter is gone. Now we got the second quarter which runs till fucking June. And we got to really pick it up then because the third quarter is the summertime. People lack, see while you people lack in the summer, savages like me would go to work because I knew everybody else was fucking creeping while you're sleeping. But then you got the fourth quarter which is fucking September and guys are October and that's when you got to go for broke.

You got to end the fucking year strong. But the first quarter is already gone. I did not know. Listen guys, you just live for the day sometimes. So you don't even pay attention. Even though I'm patron every morning I go, hey, it's Monday to 27th, hey, you just don't even realize it's April fucking first on Saturday. And you don't realize that it's April 8th next Saturday

and the fucking hits keep coming, you know what I'm saying? But listen, it's how you look at it. I'm excited about Easter. It's fucking holy week this week. This week always fucks with me a little bit. First of all, we're going to get fucked with a lot because my daughter has no school as of Wednesday. Wednesday half day, Thursday no school, Friday no school,

and all next week no fucking school. So that changes me right away. It's spring fucking break, people are jumping up and down. But holy week, dog, every time I think like yesterday came to me on Palm Sunday, I was just literally feeling like I've seen people driving on a palm. I'm like, holy fuck, it's Palm Sunday. Am I slipping as a Catholic? I forgot all about it. And then next week is fucking Easter.

I did give up meat on Fridays and I stuck to it. You know, I fucking stuck to it. The one Friday I cheated was because the Pope said you could eat corned beef. So I just had a little piece of corned beef. You know, I'm not going to go to hell for that, but you got to do what you got to do. That's the whole fucking year that he won piece of corned beef and now Good Friday wants to get in the way.

And I was in, I was all fucking in until the Pope gave out the message, you could eat meat today. So I said, fucking, if the Pope thinks it's okay, Uncle Joe, you're run with it. But man, I think about like, how did I end up a fucking think? How did I end up a fucking criminal with my upbringing? Because on these weeks, when I lived in New York City, before New Jersey, before Catholic school, I fucking hated this time of the year. Because my mom, as crazy as she was, she gave up drinking this week,

which is never a good fucking sign. My mom didn't give up drinking for Lent. No, no, no, no. She just gave up Holy Week. Semana Santa. That's what it's called in Spanish. You got to respect, fuck that giving up alcohol for Lent. Lent's got enough problems for you to give up alcohol.

But my mom gave it up. My mom gave up alcohol fucking Holy Week. And I'd be like, what the fuck? I couldn't work up for money. I couldn't work when she was drunk and ask her for stupid shit when she was passed out. So my life was a fucking nightmare. And then Thursdays at about six o'clock, that Thursday before it's the last supper Thursday night. Yeah.

The last supper once we did it in a Cuban's house. That's it. No TV Thursday night. No music. You got to sit there like a fucking dope. Yeah. And then Friday there ain't shit. There ain't no music and no TV all day.

Saturday she let me watch Wonderama and, you know, fucking the rabbit, whatever. Peep, peep and all that shit just before I killed myself. And then Sunday you were back to watch TV and do whatever the fuck you wanted. But I hate it this week. But think about it. Why the fuck did all that religion go in my life? Because I didn't do anything with it. I mean, listen, am I religious?

I'm a real religious person, which means what? I know who the fuck I am and I know where I stand. If you think I'm going to go to church every Sunday and sit in the first fucking pew with nice people. Look at me in the first pew with a basket getting money from people. I'm not doing that. I love whatever's out there. I believe in God. I believe in everything that they talk about.

You know, I have a special whatever. I go to church two, three times a year. I always hit 730 masks because I ain't got time to sit there for an hour and a half. Jesus knows about time when you get old. He's an OG. He knows. And I go to confession once a year. You know, I might step up and get a cookie if I had a good week and I don't feel guilty.

I'll go up and get a cookie. You know, you can confess to yourself, but it's fucking crazy that, you know, I did that for those three years or four years when I was a kid. I don't know how long that I went to Catholic school. And I still believe I still, you know, but in the other side of that coin, what about me? What are all the things I did? You know, one thing that stuck out in my mind about church and stuff that I got turned off the church in the way that I believed it. I enjoyed it. I liked the priest.

I liked the nun. I never got bothered. I never got molested. I never, you know, I never got creeped out or anything like that. I always liked it. It was my experience with Catholic school was a rough one fucking going to church at seven in the morning with nothing in your stomach for an hour. Oh my God. And you're fucking hungry and it's cold.

That was not for me. But I think as I got older, you know, things happened and I stopped going to church when I moved to Boulder. When I got out of no, before I got locked up, the guy who put the time into me, Ray King, God bless God rest his fucking soul. It was like, listen, it'd be a good idea if you got in with the church group and, you know, just talk to the priest a little bit, try to get a letter of recommendation from him. Now, guys, I'm not a fucking hypocrite, but at the same time, I go, let me go down and talk to this guy. I was trying to fill a void in my life. So I go, let me go down and talk to this priest. The priest name was Father Tom.

I'll never forget this. This guy, as soon as I walked in here, we just started talking about Jersey and food and fucking the Bronx. And I don't even think he was from the East Coast. And he just, you know, he won me over. So I set up meetings with him and I would go every fucking weekend. And we talk about good fellas. We talk about movies. We talk about shoot them up stuff, you know, and I got a little bit involved.

I made my confirmation. I made my confirmation when I was like 30 years old because I was so fucking lost. And I started going on Sundays. I'm not going to lie to you. I started hitting church. You know, I thought it would help a little bit before prison. You know, prayer helps, you know, whatever. I don't fucking know guys.

I was so fucking lost. And, but then I used to sell Chrysler's in Boulder. And this is really weird. A guy came in one day to buy a convertible and he came in with a woman. I don't know. I just said hello to him. I started talking to him. And one thing led to another.

We started talking about a church and he knew my father-in-law at the time. Who, you know, Ray, who was like a great guy in town. And we started talking about Ray. But I noticed that when I started talking about Ray, he started, you know, he got a little fishy, like his body language was off. If I was 26, this guy was 50 something, you know. And a couple weeks later, I saw the guy in church. To my surprise, the chick he was hugging with in the car was his mistress.

Because he was with the church with his wife. But he was also sitting in the first row. And he was also one of those ushers collecting envelopes. And even in my fucked up cocaine world, I looked at this guy and I go, what a fucking hypocrite. He's got a wife. You know, he cheats. He's fucking, no wonder he was squirming when I started bringing up my father-in-law.

And look at him. He comes in here on a Sunday, like nothing. And he just sits up in the front row and he makes believe he's one of God's children. Fuck that. I don't want to be around these people. If I'm going to go to church, I'm going to go on certain fucking conditions. I sit in the last row because I'm a fucking peasant. I don't try to be anybody.

I'm not supposed to be in that church. I've committed a ton of fucking bad things. That was a long time ago and I'm sure it's forgiven. It doesn't matter. I haven't forgiven it yet. So when I go to church, I sit in the back. I watch the people that are faking the funk. I watch the few that are real nice people that are real tremendous.

And I, you know, write it off. And now, again, am I super religious? Did I go to Palm fucking Sunday yesterday? Do I have a palm hanging from my fucking divisor and all that? I don't. Do I feel bad about it? At times, you know, my daughter didn't go to church yesterday. My wife didn't go to church yesterday.

You know, we played softball. We went to play fucking football with the kids. I mean, guys, what do you want from me? So I pay attention to the church as much as I can. I think about it. I am grateful to God every fucking morning, you know, and I try to live by his rule, which is be nice, smoke dope. Right.

I'm not sitting. I think God wants you to smoke dope. I mean, in my, think about it. He, it's not cocaine. They don't have to throw gasoline on it. It grows from the fucking dirt. Right. We don't.

Yeah. I mean, that's what it was, right? The smoker. I mean, it comes from the fucking dirt. You know, listen, I'm not robbing nobody. I go to sleep at night. You know, I haven't robbed anybody in fucking years. So I'm okay with God for right now.

I mean, we're on an okay basis. I, you know, I try to do the best I can. I still try to make everybody's day. I'm just not that fucking guy. Did I go to church for Ash Wednesday? I love to walk in here with a thing like Markey Warburg and tell you that I'm, I put my faith up for, you know, stop, stop, stop. That's all I ask.

Anyway, another great thing that's happened this motherfucking week. I'm excited about, again, for years, I was always away, you know, but I always tried to watch Final Four weekend. I fucking always. Just something about Final Four weekend that has always done something. We'll get to that point later. I'm excited about tonight. You got fucking San Diego State against my boys from Jersey City, Yukon.

I'm going to watch the fucking game. I'm going to smoke some reefer. I'm out of mushrooms. I'm out of fucking. I got some ABX edibles. So I don't even eat those edibles no more. First of all, I made a, I give them to Mike when I get them. And I really feel after all this time, they're the best edibles I take.

Honest to God. ABX edibles are fucking on the money. And now I got a new system. I throw eight of them in a milkshake. When I, when I'm, oh, 1600 right off the back dog, eight twos. I throw, if I want to sleep like a baby and hit REM sleep on my whoop watch, that's what needs to be done. Okay.

I'm sick and tired of fucking getting, I didn't get enough REM sleep. 20% was REM. I need 35%. And the only way I get it is by going deep, deep, deep into the murky fucking waters. So I make a nice protein shake, eight ounces of fucking water. I put a little protein powder in there. I put eight capsules in there. The other night put nine.

I'm not going to lie to you. Dog, I blend them. And then when I go to drink them at the end, the capsules come out hard. They don't melt in the fucking. I'm like, God damn it. So I got to fucking squeeze them. They taste like dick to be honest with you. You squeeze them.

You burp it later. I eaten eight of them. So you, you blow a tremendous TAC burp when you're like, oh, and then it just, why put them in my milkshake now? And the day Mr. Softy came and I go, Hey, before you put that in the blender, put these in there. He goes, what are they? I go, they're fucking, you know, uh, oil, fish oil for my boy bones.

He goes, they don't smell like fish oil. No, they don't. I drank that whole fucking Mr. I love all that shit. I love those fucking ABX addables, man. They do not fuck around. And, you know, I try, I guess the stonest club is kaput. Yeah, they just, they, they disappeared about a month ago.

Without even a fucking call or a message or nothing. They didn't call, they didn't send the message. I put an order in one day and I never got it. You didn't pay for it though. No, no, no, you pay cash when they get there. I put an order in one day. I never even got a text the next morning. I was like, what the fuck is going on?

It's like a week later, I went back to the page and they had two pages of stuff on there. That's it. I'm like, what the fuck? I called the owner a couple of times, never called me back, never answered the phone. I sent a few texts and then I went on there this week and they're gone. I would love to. I just don't even know where the fuck to start. I don't even know.

Oh yeah, it's got to be doable, but you got to have a fucking place. You got to have a fucking huge safe because people are robbing those weed places now like hell. I don't know. And then you got to deliver it. God forbid somebody's waiting for you with a stick. I'm not in the fucking mood to get mugged at this fucking age, but it's funny. I was talking about the NCAA tournament, you know, it's Monday motivation. I do one pack podcast a week now.

It's the best that I could do. And it's basically to get your motherfuckers up off your ass in a way that only Joey could do it. I read some the other day on a line. I did a podcast for my white belt, jujitsu. It's he's on Instagram. Great fucking guy. And I love what he does. And I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in the morning and I don't feel good or something.

And I go to check my Instagram. He's the first thing up there. My white belt. He put some great fucking motivation things in there. You know, the other day he put something in there that I was blown the fuck away. He goes, I want you to start sitting before class and visualizing what you want to do during class. Just visualize or visualize or visualize it. Just take one move, one pass and keep going over in your mind that you want to do it and the people and the things that people will put up to not let you go to, you know, pass his guard.

And he was just talking about like, uh, how you have to keep going for it. And I was looking at this. I'm reading this. I'm like, this guy's fucking, he's fucking right from A to Z. What he's saying about, you have to visualize stuff. And how I remember is because guys, I got left back in the seventh grade and I, I'll tell you guys, it made me feel really fucking shitty. I got dumped by my girlfriend. She got a new boyfriend and then I fucking got left back and to top it all off.

I never even seen her vagina because at least you get left back. You at least did something dirty with her in the sixth or seventh grade or I didn't even do nothing dirty. We would dry hump and I get all worked up and my cheeks would get red. You know, you're a stupid fucking kid. Yeah, you're a stupid fucking kid. So when I got left back guys, I was in a bad fucking way. I couldn't tell my mother. My friends were looking at me all week.

That's the dummy. You know, you got left back. You know what I'm saying? They even put you, they put me in another seventh grade class. Like the last day of school, they usually introduce you to your eighth grade class or the class you're going into. They put me into a seventh grade class and they're like, this is where you're going to be if you don't go to summer school. Well, I fucking didn't go to summer school because I was in love. It happens and I got fucking left back and I felt shitty guys and I was trying to feel good about myself.

I was going to karate. I was and then I picked up this basketball. I picked up basketball in the sixth grade. I always played as a kid on the streets. I still remember playing in New York City playing against like a no parking sign. I could be no parking on a brick wall and we just have to shoot the basket at the no parking sign. That's all I've been playing basketball. I fucking picked basketball.

It's a game you could practice by yourself. I was an only child. You know what? I went over there and thought about how I was going to fucking change my life. I just got fucking left back. You know, your shit don't usually, you don't start noting that you're stupid to like your junior year in high school. You realize that the people around you have more of a chance than you do. But in the eighth grade and the seventh grade to get your fucking win taken out of you like that is brutal.

I didn't know what to do. So I went to karate. I fucking doubled up on schoolwork. I made sure everything was fucking done. I got all A's and I played basketball. I was ashamed to be around people. My little basketball buddies accepted me. So that's all I would do.

I would play basketball, play basketball and I watched pro basketball. I would always watch pro basketball, Julius serving, Bernard King, you know, all those old time greats. That's what I love. I don't know. One day in the eighth grade, maybe in the seventh grade, I was, yeah, I was left back. So it was in the seventh grade. I don't know. On a Sunday, I was watching, I put something on and it was college basketball.

And I was like, okay. At that time, I used to watch Rutgers because I was growing up in Jersey. I would watch Rutgers because they had a guy named James Bailey and he was six foot nine. He'd slam dunk. He was okay. I don't think he made it to the pros, but that's not what the story is about. So I just would watch college bat. I wouldn't watch college basketball.

I would watch Rutgers, but on this particular day was the final four. And I turned on this game and it was North Carolina, UNLV. And I was like getting chips. You know, like when you, a game first comes on, you're like, I'll watch this. Let me get some chips or a soda, whatever the fuck I was doing. I kept hearing Jersey City, Jersey City, Jersey City. And I finally sat down and I'm watching this game and I watched like a half and maybe a, I watched like three quarters and I watched the ending of it.

And throughout the game, they kept mentioning Jersey City. And then at the end of the game, they fucking, they gave the totals, North Carolina beat, UNLV, I'll never forget that. And they gave the totals of the players and they go into the final four. They go into the championship game Monday against Marquette, whatever the fuck it was. Again, guys, I'm lost. I'm watching this and they keep talking about Jersey City. This kid from Jersey City, this kid from Jersey City.

I can't figure it out. So I don't know. I go to the basketball court after the game and I asked some of the guys, listen, man, I'm watching the NCAA men's basketball championship and they're talking about Jersey City throughout this whole thing. You know, I'm a kid. Listen, I'm from Union City. You know, I, when we came from Cuba, I lived in Manhattan and then all of a sudden I was always in Jersey and my mother had a barn in Union City and then we moved to North Bergen.

I don't know. I always felt like a man without a fucking, without a home. You know what I'm saying? Like I, I've been at so many places that I was like, well, maybe, you know, so Monday, the game comes on. Again, I'm a stupid kid. I don't know who, you know, I know Marquette playing North Carolina. I don't know anything about these two teams. I could sit here and lie to you and tell you, I knew Dean Smith.

I knew nothing about these two teams. I didn't even know people played basketball in Jersey City. That's how stupid I was, but Jersey City turns into North Bergen. And Monday night, the game comes on and I'm watching, you know, the starting five players. And guys, when they said a freshman from Jersey City, New Jersey, I thought I was going to fucking die. And also Nate, a freshman, a start. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

What you're telling me is a freshman is starting from Jersey City. A freshman, not a sophomore, not a junior and not a senior, a freshman in the biggest fucking game of the year, a freshman. And he's from Jersey City, New Jersey. Guys, I dropped what I was doing. You don't like when you feel your body fucking leave you. You have that like you're watching something, the performance of your favorite band. It could be cheap trick. I don't give a fuck.

It could be fucking, you know, somebody playing chopsticks. Everybody's different. Every once in a while, you watch something that it just takes you to a different level, man. It just blows you away, you know. And at that age, I had never been blown away over in art. There's times I get, you know, I watch a movie and I go, fuck, you know, how good is fucking Marlon Brando and the Godfather. It's inspiring. It makes you want to be a gangster.

It makes you want to be an actor. It makes you want to be a producer. I mean, that's how good he was. All those little nuances he was doing with his hands. He was just brilliant. And he was always a great actor, but that was his fucking masterpiece. Sometimes you just have a fucking masterpiece where everything comes true. I don't even know what I was talking about.

I'm so fucking excited, you know, and I watched this kid play and North Carolina ended up losing that night to Marquette. I found that later. It was Al McGuire's last game at Marquette, Jerome Whitehead, all these plays. Puerto Rican kid named Butch Lee. Again, I identify with the Puerto Rican kid, Butch Lee, but it wasn't as hard as how I identified with this fucking Irishman from Jersey City, New Jersey. He had acne, the whole thing. I just, not that I had acne, but Jersey City and North Bergen and fucking neighbors. And this kid just got onto the fucking biggest stage in college basketball as a freshman.

You know, I thought people from Jersey didn't do anything. I didn't think we did anything. You know, I knew Frankie Valley was from Jersey. I knew Aberdeen Costello from Jersey, you know, but that's completely different. I knew Bruce Springsteen was from Jersey at the time, but it's different than fucking Jersey City. And it's different. It's like when I found that Sinatra was from Hoboken, Hudson County. It drove me fucking insane, guys.

Just that thought alone drives me fucking insane. You know, and I tell people all the time, a lot of people are going to get mad at me for saying this. There's Jersey and there's Hudson County. And I tell you this guy with the fucking strongest reservation in my fucking heart. There really is. There's Jersey and then there's Hudson County. And I, guys, it's, I know people from Bergen County. I know people from Essex County.

I know a lot of fucking people. I love them all. I love New Jersey, but there's something about Hudson County that brings out the fucking savage in you. And when I thought, you know, O'Coran, I followed him. Doug, then a couple of months later, Sport Magazine, which was sports illustrated only a little smaller, did a cover about his mother. She was a single mom, an Irishman, and they talked about how he played so much basketball. He had knee braces on and the knee brace would cut into his fucking skin and he wouldn't complain.

They didn't have any money. You know, this was just fucking. I mean, I didn't identify with the not having money. My mom had the bar well off, but I identified with the single mom thing. Like he talked about she was his life. She fucking encouraged him. The Irish, the Irish, they don't fuck around. But that seeing that, let me know that I could do something with my life.

You know what I'm saying? It's fucking crazy as it seems as excited as I am seeing that. Let me know that I could do something with my life. If he could do it and he's from fucking Jersey City, I'm going to give it a fucking hell ride. And listen, it didn't have to be basketball. It doesn't have to be basketball. It doesn't have to be a comedian. It doesn't have to be an actor.

You could that motivation. You could take him be a fucking scientist with that guy took the same bus as I did. He walked the same streets I did and he went to the same dirty fucking courts. I did. There were no wooden floors or nets on the baskets. You know, when you went the whole book in the plant, what street? There were fucking metal things with no, you know, you had rip. You had rip.

You had, they put a fucking net up on in June. It took two months. That net was gone. Once the net was gone, you didn't get one for the next fucking June. You know what I'm saying? So something about that. And you have to look at things that way sometimes. You don't look at things to eight.

You look at things to learn from and grow from Jesus Christ. I've grown from the most weirdest things. And I've looked at, you know, just even something negative going, oh my God, you know what? As a comic, as a human being, as a dad, as a fucking Spanish person, as a tranny, as whatever. I'm not ever doing that. I'm not doing that. You know, there was a thousand things from a negative turning into a positive. So for me, like, I get motivation from the weirdest fucking places, you know?

Patreon. I have this Patreon and I talk to a lot of people on there and they ask me questions. One of the biggest questions I get, whether it's Patreon, whether it's Facebook, whether it's Twitter, I just got one the other night. And that's why I want to talk about this before time ran out that people have a hard time making fucking decisions. It's really weird for people. Like sometimes people hit me with things and I go, well, that's an easy one, but it might not be an easy one to him.

And the thing I get hit with the most is jobs. I don't know why. Like, I'm not a headhunter. I don't know anything about headhunting. I really don't. I know about making your life better. I know the steps you could take to make your life better. You know, I've had to make 20 different times that I changed courses in my life because it's like,

you ever see the movie collateral collateral with Tom Cruise and fucking Ray, whatever his name is. Jody, whatever his name is. Jody Fox, Fox, I don't know. Jamie Foxx, Jody Foxx. Jamie Foxx, I came to the conclusion that one of the most talented fucking dudes in Hollywood by far. I mean, that motherfucker, he could do a fucking anybody's voice. He could sing anybody. He does Ray Charles to the fucking T.

If you could find his actors studio interview, you'll be blown the fuck away. But anyway, what did I talk about? Oh, uh, in collateral, there's a scene where he's pissed off at Jamie Foxx and he goes, you know, you have to adapt. What's he, did you ever see that movie? He calls it Chi-ging, like some philosopher. He goes, Chi-ging, you got to adapt. You got to, and in life, you have to adapt. You know what, man?

On a weekly level, you have to reel yourself in and go, all right. What are they sending at me this fucking week? What am I walking into this fucking week? You have to adapt every week. With jobs, guys, you're trying to better yourself, right? With a job, you're trying to better yourself. So when somebody hits me with a job, when they say, Jody, I'm in a deep position. I've had this job for four years.

The guy's a dickhead. I want to switch to a better gig. I think I got some people, like, confused about the drive, you know. I got a drive an hour, but I'm making more money. Everybody has different issues, you know. And all those issues are fear. That issue of not going and listen, I get it. I fucking get it.

There's nobody more scared than I was. And I tell people, it took me 18 months to get on stage. 18 months, me, 18 months to get on stage. Procrastinating, lying, pushing up, you know. If you want me to lie that way, you guys think I just got the idea. Oh, stand up. Yeah, I'll get on stage on Monday. Fuck you.

It took me eight months of lying and bullshitting and giving up those excuses. Knowing, knowing, knowing that it would change my life. How many times have you fucking stepped on glass and you cut your foot? I'm just using the fucking term here. Whatever. And you have to go to a doctor. How long do you put it all for? Some people put it off.

If 10 people get cut by a piece of glass, five of them will go, I'm not going to go to the hospital. They don't want to pay for the stitch. They all have a different story. They don't have insurance, whatever. Even though it's going to make you better, people will still do it, you know. For years I did cocaine, knowing I was going to die, knowing eventually my fat heart was going to blow up.

People smoke cigarettes, knowing that one day their fucking fingers going to fall off or your lungs going to fall off or your eyes going to fall off. You know, people go to Burger King and that's all fine. Knowing that you're going to shit blood for 10 years. That's fine. We've all been, we've all done that. They're all smoke screens. When you're looking at a job or a situation to better yourself.

You know, I get these two. Hi, Joey, I don't know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for eight years. We have a kid together, but I called her. I called her in bed with eight midgets. I don't know what to do. Well, if you call her in bed with eight midgets, there ain't no coming back. There's no therapy group that's ever going to save you from that.

And again, I say midgets. I'm very sorry. Little people. Yeah. Little people. Again, you get, you catch, you know, I got a fucking, oh my God, I forgot what happened to this girl. I got a fucking Facebook about five years ago that I thought it was just insane.

This girl would write me letters like not letters. Facebook messages. Joey, I need to stop getting high. I'm a blackout drunk. I don't know what to do. Well, you got a fucking stop drinking, you know, she was a boozer. And I don't know after about a year, she sends me this thing one night. It's like, I'm so ashamed.

I don't know who to tell. I got Joe drunk last night. I had a threesome with a pimp and a midget. And then she sent me the picture of them in bed. Like she was crazy. This girl's crazy. She blacked out and woke up with a pimp and a midget. And she got pregnant.

Like she hit me up like a year later. I'm pregnant. I had the baby. Was it a little baby? Yeah, I don't know. I never heard from her again. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what happened there.

But it's so funny how we were so scared to commit. It takes us and even after we commit, we're fucking petrified. You're fucking petrified. You're like, when is the other fucking issue going to drop? You know what, man? When you commit, listen, if you're scared of a decision, one of the things that bothers me the fucking most, my biggest pet peeve is me and Mike talking for an hour about a decision he's going to make.

And then he calls me the weekend says he goes another way. That just tears me up. So I had to do something to stop that. If Mike comes to me now, I do it the right way. I rip a piece of paper out of a notebook and I do a Ben Franklin close and let them make the decision for themselves. So I don't feel fucking shitty about it. Right?

Or wrong? You don't know what a Ben Franklin closes? Yes. So you take a Ben Franklin close, you know, the pros and the fucking cons and you write them all out, you take an hour and then we discuss them and we go, what are you now? The whole time I'm already, I'm already there. Yeah, I'm already there.

You know, I just want him to, I just want you to read it and to really absorb it to see what's going to happen. If you're that scared of making the, you know how many people don't do anything because they're scared to make a decision. You have any idea how many people are just, I don't know the word right now, are just very accepting. Like this will be my job. I could stay here for 40 years.

I'm never going to try to do anything better than that. And eventually somebody leaves that job and will reach out and go, Mike, I got a job over at RC Cola. They don't beat you up as much. They give you 10 more dollars. They give you benefits. No, I think I'll stay here and that's how they lived their life. Never trying to reach, every year you should be trying to reach something

every fucking year. You know, I still remember making $8,000 a year after doing comedy for five years. I started in 91 and in 96, I could tell you motherfuckers with all the honesty in the world, I made $8,600. And the year before that, 96 wasn't no better. 95, I made money, but I blew that as it came out. As it came in, I'm sorry, as it came out. My point is that when you're doing something for five years,

and one day you look at your fucking tax return and you made $9,600, that's not even $1,000 a month, right? It's about $800 a month. It's tough to convince yourself that this is going to be your decision for the next five fucking years. So at the end of five years, what was I thinking? By the time I do five more fucking years, I'm going to make $16,000 a year. That's even worse than a subway.

That's worse than anything. I don't know who gets $16,000 a year from doing stand-up. So what do you do? Do you quit? Because for a minute there, I was like, that $100,000 in debt, that's going to take a little longer to pay off than what I fucking expected here. So what the fuck do you do?

You fucking figure out how to make it better. How can I make this better? And then Josh Wolf turned me on to a company who did industrials. And what's an industrial, Joey? Industrial is a video where you teach people how to do a job. So we would do videos like UPS and shit like that. How to pick up a box. You pick up the box and put it over here.

I swear to God, all the time. We did training videos. You figure out the next level of it. When I was making $8,600 a fucking year, I'm like, wow. And you guys know $4,000 that was going to cocaine. You know, the other money was going to fucking child support or whatnot. I was just breaking fucking even. Was I happy?

Fuck yeah. I was having the time of my fucking life. No responsibilities, getting up late, drinking. Who gives a fuck? Hey, you owe me 20. Try to get it. I only got $4,000 in my pocket. I'm minus 16 as it is, cock suckers.

But if you're having a hard time making a decision, then Franklin close it and really think about it and process it. So you never have fucking doubt. You never have a fucking doubt. But half of us think about it. My friend said it's a great job. We don't really fucking think about it. I want you to start doing something.

It's the end of the first quarter. It's Monday motivation, bitches. I want you to think about something that I had to start doing about 15 years ago. And I got really bad at it for a long time, guys. That's why I'm asking you to start doing it now when you're young. Ask yourself why you're doing this. Did you ever ask yourself that? No, you haven't.

You've never asked yourself why you're doing this. Start asking yourself that. Why am I going now? What am I getting out of that? Why am I doing this? Why do I keep doing this? It's like Thursday. And again, I'm going to get a lot of hate for this.

It's like Friday or Thursday. The Yankees played the season opener. Judge hits a home run. Garrett throws whatever. Great picture. And now I got to see all the Yankee fans yelling again. It's our year. It's our year.

It's our year. It's our year. Well, come July, they're all going to be like this. Like Nick DeTour every year. Throwing things and yelling. And then by August, they're sick to their fucking stomach. And it's like we all fall for the same things all the fucking time. The Yankees win every game opener at home.

It's the Bronx. They don't fucking lose. They lost Saturday. We keep falling for the same stupid shit people. That's what I'm trying to say. When I did Coke every fucking day like that, what is the definition of the Saturday? Keep doing shit and expect a different result.

What are we talking about here, guys? When you make a decision, that's what you have to base it on. The Ben Franklin clothes, how does it affect you? And why are you doing this? Are you doing this for the money? Are you doing this because this is what you love? Nothing inspires me more when I go to something and I can see somebody doing something that they really love.

It's fucking inspiring, man. And I'm around two or three people like that now. That I look at them and I go, I'm jealous of this motherfucker. Because this guy would do this for free. He would do it for free. Every day I could tell. You know, you have a session for 45 minutes. You're in there with him for an hour.

He's not charging you for those 15 minutes. It's because this is what he loves. It's easy to him. He doesn't give a fuck. Same way I wasn't by comedy for years. I was on stage every day. I fucking loved it. You get, you know, you get older.

Things change in your life. Situations get thrown at you and you have to adapt and see where you're at and then take an inventory every couple months. But if that's what, you know, everybody's talking about all this mental health shit now and everything. When I was struggling with my mental health, it was because I went away from doing what I had been doing for years, which was writing, thinking about stuff. The last two or three years now, I was living a la fucking a la moque.

And I had nobody helping me. I had my management, my agency, they don't do that. And I wasn't doing it. And I wasn't checking. You have to check yourself from time to time. The biggest question is why are you doing this? You know, I think about myself not going to concerts as I was as a kid now. And I'm honest to say this for people.

When I was 18, 19, you're trying to be cool. When you're 17, you're trying to be cool. Hey, I went to see Led Zeppler. I never saw Led Zeppler. Hey, I went to see ACDC. Yeah, I went to third row. You know, you do all this shit because you're trying. Now bands come that I love it.

I'm like, I'm not going down there. I'm not fucking going down there. I don't want to sit with that. I got to walk two miles sitting next to heavy metal Joe and Martha Hoople. They got body odor, you know, I'm not doing that shit. But, you know, when I was a kid, I was trying to be somebody. I was trying to be cool. Now I'm not trying to be anybody.

I'm just a fucking old man that, you know, is just trying to fucking live on a daily basis. So check on yourself from time to time. Monthly, it's like a fucking goal. I don't want you to do it every day. What am I feeling? Fuck that. I'm feeling like a zebra. No, just check yourself.

Why am I even doing this? Do I even enjoy this anymore? Maybe I'll keep doing it, but I'll do it three days a week, just like I did with the podcast. Two days was not working for me, guys. I didn't have it anymore. At least I'm mad enough to admit that. But one day I could come in here and talk some shit with you guys on a fucking beautiful Monday morning to get you ready for a fucking great week. And that's exactly what I do every week.

And I'm having a good time doing it. So fucking, it's not about the money. It's not about fucking knowing this or doing that. It's just about having a good time being you and doing what you could cover the spread of it. And that's your Monday motivation for April fucking third cock suckers. It's going to be a great week. I don't have a pick for tonight. I'm excited.

I'm leaning towards Yukon, San Diego State. The defense is fucking great. And that's it. Boom! Tremendous. The fucking book. Now we're getting into the meat and potatoes of this shit cocked up. So it's on now, motherfuckers.

It's April. What is it? May 2nd, April 23rd. I don't fucking know, but the book will be in your house within three weeks. The audio book, I think it's May 2nd. And I'm really excited about this. The more I think about this, we did a great fucking job with this. So thank you.

Have a great motherfucking week. Have a great Easter with your families. And stay black, cock suckers. Uncle Joey loves you. And now for a word, my fucking sponsors. All right. I want to thank you savages for another Monday morning motivation. The joint is brought to you by DraftKings.

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