Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Rachel Feinstein and Joey Diaz are off the chain!

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

We're back! Comedian Rachel Feinstein (Last Comic Standing) joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt to talk everything from seeing ghosts, what has been thrown at them on stage, what two things Joey refuses to talk about on stage, and much more! Check out Rachel's Netflix special, "Big Guy" Try VIIA by using code JOEY at https://viia.co/JOEY Support the show and get 35% off your NYKD order at https://www.nykdpouches.com/church Support the show and get 50% off your 1st Factor box, plus free shipping. Use code FACTORPODCAST at https://www.factormeals.com/FACTORPODCAST

What's happening you bad motherfuckers? We're back! Like herpes. It's uh March the 11th, Tuesday. A beautiful day to be alive. I know I wasn't here last week, shit happened. I was in county jail but we're about to start this motherfucker right now. The church is in session bitches. Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's time to make feeling good nice and easy. Ditch all the boring guided meditations. All you need is Vaya. Vaya is changing the game in natural wellness. Combining high quality hemp-derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create serious results.

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Thank you for supporting the podcast. Welcome back to church. Hey. What's up, dog? We're back. We have the beautiful and talented Ms. Rachel Feinstein here today. We got my man Lee Syatta. Didn't want to eat a mushroom.

You know that girl. I ain't up. This is a liar. Back and forth, looking at it. You had to put it in a meatball sandwich. First of all, it wasn't a gram. Unbelievable. You'll see by the end of this episode,

what wasn't a gram, motherfucker. It wasn't a gram. And then they gave me two of them. Each one had eight different caps on it. It was bigger than any mushroom I've ever seen. And it wasn't even blue. It was already fuzzing over the blue. Yeah, it was a gram.

I stopped between my toes that night. I know you did. So I got them nice and ready for you. I took like seven grams. I'm gonna be fucking on the floor by the end of this episode. That's okay, we got a couch for you here. Yeah, mushrooms are not like a Jews drug'm gonna be fucking on the floor by the end. That's okay, we got a couch for you here. Yeah, mushrooms are not like a Jews drug. They encourage things.

No they're not. Jews don't do well with drugs. That's why we have Manna Shevitz, the most disgusting wine in the world. Jews don't get fucked up. I feel like we can drink, but like if I do mushrooms, like it just accentuates every quality I've been trying to erase my entire life. I'm just gonna be like shivering in a corner. I ask everyone, are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? Jews love to party? Epstein, Netanyahu Epstein, come on Is it the first Jew you have to bring up?

Leave with our best please That's like what if we bring up Cuba we bring up Castro Why do you bring up the worst Jew? Who? He's the worst Jew Epstein is a great opening Jew He's Jewish but he knows how to throw a party. He just fucking left the list on. Netanyahu, on the other hand, ain't that stupid.

When he fucks you, he kills you afterward. You ain't telling no stories. There's no lists. There's no plain manifest. There's nothing. That's a real fucking Jew. You understand me? Anyway, how's it going, Rachel?

Welcome to the podcast, Rachel. Oh my God. I don't know. I'm dressed like a district attorney. I really am. I'm dressed like a district attorney. You understand me? Anyway, how's it going? Welcome to the podcast, Rachel. Oh, my God. I don't know. I'm dressed like a district attorney, I realize. I should announce that I really overdressed today. You look fantastic. Thanks, guys. Class, not like these fucking wenches.

I just I just they come in here with a titty sticking out, trying to get fucking spots at the comedy cellar. Dirty bitches. You know what I'm saying? You can't, you hold your own like a woman. Fuck you. Thank you. My Colombian friend, gay friend, did my makeup at Pico's. I was like, hey, do you think I look okay at Pico's?

Yeah, that Colombian did a good job on you. So she did your makeup or something? You look great. Yeah, he's like, yeah, the Colombians did a good job on you. That was his way of phoning in a compliment. That was the best he was going to do. Is he gay too? Yes.

Oh boy. Gay Spaniards are the best, aren't they? Oh yeah. Anybody can be gay. Meet a Latino guy, that's a fucking faggot. They were on a fucking tight show. Those motherfuckers are old school fags. They get the training in the Bronx from the bodegas.

You ever see the movie Crooklyn? No, Brooklyn. Crooklyn. It's a Spike Lee movie. Spike Lee movie. Yes, I saw that. Yeah, long time ago. The best scene in that movie is when the kid goes into the bodega and the Puerto Rican tranny is in there with a wig tipped over. He got like a black eye from the night before.

I grew up around those guys in the Bronx. Like when I used to go to my mother's dry cleaning, I always saw a Puerto Rican tranny and they'd push it. This is way before, this is 40 years ago. They were, the heels, the fucking makeup, the wig was always tight. What was it called, the Cuban ones? I feel like a lot of like gay guys,

I feel like they know more about being a woman than women do sometimes. Like that, like they'll give me notes where I would, I wouldn't even have occurred to me because they've been thinking about it, especially if you kind of want to be a woman. Like you've been thinking about it your whole life. Like I don't know the difference between like a pencil skirt and a regular skirt, but like, yeah, like gay guy would be like, they'll fucking notice you and they clean me too. They

notice I have debris on me because I'm still a comic. I'm like an animal. Yeah. Well, they teach me too. They notice I have debris on me because I'm still a comic. I'm like an animal. Yeah. Well, they teach me how to be a woman. You were saying that in San Francisco when you were there, there were like these Cuban dudes who had a girlfriend. Yeah. In Cuba, in the old days, you could have a boyfriend that was really your girlfriend.

You dressed them up in prison. They get back hands. It's hysterical. It's hysterical. They give them back hands. Shut up! Kayate! Fucking tremendous.

I feel like since I've gotten here, I have so many questions. I feel like this is the oldest reference ever. But I feel like Sandy from Greece. I'm like, what do you mean a backhand? Like I need everything explained to me now. Like I came here looking like a fucking paralegal. And I'm like, can you understand? Tell me about the dark days and what the bad boys did.

No, I don't understand. Well, you listen. Did that break off the- Take that little gay fucking friend of yours and tell them, say, what do you do on Tuesday night? What happens in your world? Cause that's when you, they're wizards. Thank you.

They're fucking wizards. And I've said this before, men, the fireman, all of us in this room, we just live until we die. Gay guys get their money's worth every fucking night. And it's all the dirty shit we dreamed of as men, we just sometimes don't have the balls to do it. But gay guys, like we said, in LA on Tuesdays, there was a place that had a tent in it.

Because our friend was gay at the comedy store. Still is. And he still is. He said friend was gay at the comedy store. Still is. He still is. What? That's great. And he said he would walk in the tent and you had to fuck somebody or suck his dick. Unless you knew who the person was,

you had to go back in the tent. Like it's torture. That's real fucking abuse, but you never see a gay guy going, how was I never seen his list? He did bad things. No, only we get in trouble for that shit. Straight guys. So wait, you're saying that the list, the list, I mean, I think we could establish that,

we could probably establish that Epstein is not a good guy. Like he's, I'd like to distance myself. Epstein? Yeah, no, it was just a joke, but. No, no, I'm joking. I'm being absurd. He's not a good guy at all. No, no, he's not. No, he's not a class not a class act, but no, I'm just being an asshole. A gay guy is a class act, but they do dirty things. Like Eric, you just have a kid come over every Monday, rub his feet, then jerk off on his

feet and leave. And give him like a hundred bucks. Who'd get paid for that? I would do that every night. Come over, cut my toenails, and you want to jerk off on them? That's a party. I won't tell if you won't tell. You know what I'm saying?

Wait, what did you say about the toenails? He would cut his toenails and come on his feet, jerk off and come on his feet. That's it. Oh my goodness. Now your grandma didn't tell you about fellas like that, did she? No.

I know a class act. Nanna, what a loss of mind is here, brother. If you really want to get sucked off proper, I know a class act. It'll cut your toenails for you too. This motherfucker. That was your bar mitzvah gift, right? This motherfucker told me he was meeting It sucked off proper. I know a class act. It'll cut your toenails for you too. This motherfucker. That was your bar mitzvah gift.

This motherfucker told me he was meeting a gay guy one night. Cause they just meet, I mean, what in the country can you get on an app and go, I wanna get sucked my dick or whatever. And some gay guy go, I'm three blocks away. Like we can't do that. They'll throw us in jail for doing that. If we just put out on, what's that app that people go on?

Grind none of the one for women to Tinder you go on Tinder. I'm just looking for somebody to suck my dick some chick is gonna raise a hand I'm in Clemson come over But gay guys who told me that they were looking at somebody I just the other coming here Well, too cuz my Eric we started he was before me, but we were doing open mics together, showed me Grindr. I was on the bus the other day coming here. This dude had Grindr open on the bus, which is crazy. And the message said, I can't make it, but my boyfriend will be home in an hour and a half if you can make it here before then.

Oh my, they live like doctors. Oh my God. I just started sounding like the, like the lady from Greece again. I'm like, oh my stars. I've never heard of someone getting sucked off that briskly. Briskly. That is also like one of my other friends, another, I can't remember who it was, it was a comic,

but he was telling me that like, they have like a Planet Fitness that they meet in, in like Midtown and like they just, and like they write on the back of the guy's ass. Like there's just an ass waiting, like just in some sort of Planet Fitness bathroom. They meet at the, they're like two. Also you got a lot of time off Like there's just an ass waiting, like just in some sort of planet fitness. They mean it that way too. Also, you got a lot of time off if you have like eight hours to get spent

getting slapped in a planet fitness. And they just write like they just write like a line. You know what I mean? Like each person that fucks them gets like a sharpie or something. They just write another. Yeah. The motherfuckers are crazy. You go to jail for that. Yeah. But they get away with it. They leave there happy. They just put a little tip on like some website, just like, you know,

I don't know if it's Grindr or something, the next level of filth website. I don't know if they just like, yeah, there's a waiting ass on the planet. But that's the thing about like they don't it's not a big deal to them. Like Eric used to do it between open mics. Wait, what would you do exactly? What do they do? No, not they. I mean, not all gay men collectively, but Eric.

Eric was my favorite. He used to call it taking a walk with his grinder. He would drive me home once. He would drive me home after I got too fucked up with Joey. And I'd be like, do you want me to call you an Uber? Thanks for driving me home. He'd go, no, I'm going to go take a walk. And he would just text me at 6 in the morning

that he had been out. Because it tells you literally like on every other app, it's like, Hey, so and so is a few miles away or lives in New York. Grindr's like, Hey, there's someone 18 feet away from you and you can just message them right away. It's amazing. And that said, there's no, there's like, well, they have to say yes, but- Yeah. But no, but Norman has a joke about this, about there's like, just there's no guardrails. Like yeah, so men can just, there's just two disgraceful people operating very quickly so they can get right to it. Yeah. It's fucking crazy.

It's a different world. I can imagine. He told me that he would take his victims to eat hot dogs. And I'm like, why hot dogs? He goes, you gotta get them ready. Wait, the hot- I don't even call them victims though. Subconsciously, you gotta get them ready. They're sucking on a dog and then you.

So the high dogs are like prepping them for the dick. That's hilarious. After that, I'm like, I wish I was still dating. No one would ever come up with it. No woman would ever be like, I take them to have hermitage in first. Then they can go down on me. Yeah, no woman would ever. I thought they were taking all my dates to hot dog stands.

I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to have hamitaschen first, so that they can go down on me. Right, you were taking all my dates to hot dog stands. Now I'm distracted trying to think of what would be the prep food for... For Jewish food? No, for going down on a bus. A nice brisket would be nice before. A brisket, yeah.

Yeah, brisket would get them in the mood. If you're black, they may see that brown meat, you know. I keep wanting to do my grandma's voice again. Whenever I would want a man to eat me out, I would say, go have a taco first so we'd get used to the shape. All right, I'm not stopping so disgusting. You're looking nervous over there, are you?

Well, yeah, it's already fucking kicking in. I'm looking nervous. I'm looking fucked up. You're not getting nothing. Are you really fucked up right now? Yeah, it's about to. Yeah. It's about to is amazing.

I could barely form that sentence. It's about to is great. That's pretty much, yeah. I'm feeling fine right now, but it's definitely kicking in. All right, relax. A gram my ass. Lay back. Lay back.

Relax. Lay back. It's going to be all right. Everything's going to be fine. How long you been doing stand up now? I think you're going to Everything's going to be fine. How long you been doing stand up now? I think you're going to be a star in show business. How long you been doing stand up? Oh my god, at least 20 years, 20 something years.

Forever. And you started in the city. I moved to New York, yeah, like right after I graduated high school and I started stand up pretty soon after. I moved with this guy and his band called Dick Sister. And then Dick Sister dumped me. I was like the Yoko his band called Dick Sister, and then Dick Sister dumped me. I was like the Yoko Ono to Dick Sister. They really didn't want me around.

I was on tour with them, which consisted of like two dive bars in Michigan or something. And he was like, yeah, you're bringing the band down. You got to beat it, kid. Yeah. So I think I was just cock blocking him. He knew he could get a wider stream of puss. So he kind of shed me. But then I was in New York.

So I was like, and I never went to college or anything. So I was like, oh, I should try stand up. I moved from Bethesda, Maryland. Oh, shit. So you're from Maryland? Yeah, Maryland. I'm surprised you didn't bump into Ari down there. Oh, yeah.

Ari's from Maryland. I always forget that. Yeah. I should do comedy in Bethesda. What's that? You did? Yeah. Where did you do comedy in Bethesda? Tyson's Corner. Oh, yeah, I know Tyson's Corner. We used to go to the mall there when I was a kid. There was a comic from New York that moved there and ran a room on the weekends

for years. I forget what his name was. They finally closed it down. It was a hotel. Right. And then after we do the set there on Fridays, we would shoot to headliners. Was it a Holiday Inn? I feel like I might have heard about that. That was the Holiday Inn at Tyson's corner. Yes, I think it was one of the first times

I ever did stand up. It just bombed in front of my entire family. Yeah, that's the place. All my aunts was, you know when you accidentally make eye contact with one of your parents when you're bombing and it's just so horrifying. And they're looking at you like, Jesus, you should have stuck with the piano.

It's even worse because my parents are really open. So then if I do something sexual in front of them, it's particularly humiliating because it's like they're so encouraging. I think I was doing some joke about a mediocre hand job when I accidentally made eye contact with my father and he was like, very good, to your family. Almost rather is disgusted that he's gently encouraging my terrible hand job joke.

Hand jobs are never good anyway. Yeah. After you're 10, who wants a hand job? Nobody needs that. You're right. It's unnecessary. It's unnecessary. Some guy was telling me he's like old.

He goes, I still go to this massage place. They give great massages. It's a tuck, knock and tuck or whatever. I'm like, that's disgusting. They come up with that sticky hand with that little stick, that little Chinese hand. You have no idea. That's disgusting. Handies were never your thing. They tried to give me a hand job in 1995 when I ran out of this place in Michigan.

Who was they? They did the switch. I went to Michigan and my shoulder was hurting. So I saw Massage. Massage, go in there. The chick at the door was fucking tremendous. I'm like, Massage, yeah. $60, okay, one hour. Okay.

I go in there and all of a sudden they throw the D-Team. This chick looked like she got shot in Vietnam and fucking hit with a missile. It was fucking not good. And she came in like, hand job, $40. Why would I give you another 40 on top of this? First of all, I didn't have it. I didn't really have the $40. So I started arguing with her.

$2, $3. But no, I just didn't want a hand job. I didn't move for a fucking hand job. Do your thing. Yeah. It does seem like an unnecessary step. Yeah. I mean, just to either go all the way or what's the kind of that kind of it's a fool's errand. What's a fucking handjob when you're 30?

You want it all, bitch. It's like going to a strip club. That's why I don't go to strip clubs. Yeah. Because they don't, they stop at one point. You go to Toronto, those fucking strippers are crazy. And then there's other places you could go to but usually girls that do that You don't want them. It's like going to a nude beach, right? You're gonna nude beach nobody's there that you want to see naked. Yeah, there's a real supply and demand issue with the tits at a nude beach

Nobody wants to see it. Yeah, they're never the ones you're searching searching for at all. The guys are skinny They got no muscles their ass is drag. Why would you take your pants off? I wouldn't take my pants off anywhere. I know what my little Cuban ass looks like. I had a cousin that would always breastfeed and she would breastfeed like in front of everybody and like it's like But it wasn't the tits you wanted to see like again. No! Yeah Those women like them?

She would have both out like you don't need the second tits. It feels very unnecessary. Have you seen me do that on Instagram? Every once in a while, I'll be, that's how I know I'm scrolling for too long. There's people who breastfeed on Instagram and they don't take it down for some reason. No. It's disgusting. I mean, at least one little... But why does the nipple have to be out on Instagram?

Oh, those chicks are hookers. They're showing you your tits. Yeah, if you go on the back pages, they're always milking somebody, but they got pretty nice titties. You know, you can't argue that, but who wants, you know. Listen, we got a lot of people like pregnant women. People love that shit.

Really? Yeah. With another guy's baby inside? A lot of guys have a thing for pregnant women I don't fucking know. That is disgusting. I'll tell you what when you see a woman who's pregnant She's a lot fucking prettier. Oh, she's beautiful. It does She's skin up real nice like ladies. Yeah, no fucking ankles are a little thick but That's okay. You know what I'm saying? I ain't perfect

I was covering it the entire time. Like I was dressing like, like Bea Arthur the whole time I was pregnant. And then just trying not to dress it on stage. But then everybody knew when I told them. Yeah, it was like kind of the last. But I always felt like, I don't know, it's weird to do stand up when pregnant. You know what I mean? It's a strange feeling. Because people just are distracted. And you can't be as much of an animal as usual. It's just a weird thing. I liked Ali it's a strange feeling because people just are distracted and you can't be as much of an animal as usual It's just a weird thing. I

Like the Ali Wong special the first she was brilliant Yeah, she was really good on the first one They're a bunch of women I do feel like Ali was incredible and Rosebud because they addressed it head-on Rosebud specials Really really funny. I feel like they address it head-on and I think at the time it had been uncharted territory for me So I really didn't know how to yeah Well, I've never seen a special. But Ali's was brilliant. Now I kind of wish I could go back and not hide it because I'm like, oh, now that they cracked it open, why not? Why did he feel like you had to hide it? Well, at the time I had a pilot and they told me that they were going to be shooting the pilot. They basically had like a verbal agreement to buy the pilot and they were

like, we're going to shoot. And then of course I got pregnant as soon as we sold the pilot. So I didn't want to, I didn't think they were going to want to shoot me pregnant. And so I tried to hide it and just wear, I just, yeah, I just wore a lot of loose kind of menopausal capes and I looked ridiculous. And then I told them, I mean, I, and they were like, oh no, we'll we'll shoot. We don't want to shoot you when you're pregnant, but we'll still buy it. They had a script deal, but I didn't have the pilot. They're like, we'll still buy the pilot.

We'll just buy it after you have the baby because we don't want to shoot you holding a groceries or whatever. Laundry, box of laundry or something. And then Covid happened. And so then the pilot never happened. Yeah. That one. It pilot never happened. Yeah. It was for Fox. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But I was like, I as the moment I sold it, I just like went into it was like in the fox

building or whatever. And I just went to the bathroom and puked and I was like, I'm telling you I'm pregnant. But we had just gone to like check like we went to like a fertility person to see if I could get pregnant and they were they just said I couldn't so The doctor said something like oh, you know a lot of women when they really want to be pregnant They can sometimes imagine that they're I'm like, no, no, no, I'm pregnant like because I'd already had a miscarriage at that point So I knew what it felt like and I was like, no, no, I'm pregnant But he just kept being like, oh wouldn't that be nice sugar tits? It's not an option for you You're a little too old for that. But I could tell I was and I was. Yeah.

It's so crazy what like when you first start comedy, you're a people who get deals and they come up with a sitcom and you say to yourself, maybe that'll happen for me. Then it does. And then you realize what a pain in the ass it is and how the stars really have to be aligned. Yeah. Like, if not, it's not going nowhere. Yeah. It's not.

I had two of those fucking deals. No, it's true. And one, we're almost ready and they were like, well, no. Everything has to be aligned because then they make you get a show creator and everybody's got to like each other. Yeah. You know, usually they give you a deal for a year and you got to find the writer. That alone is six months.

That alone took five months. You got to talk to different people and you got to see what the fuck they've written. And you know, you don't want to, if you're a dirty comic, you don't, I don't want to get it written by, you know, what's a good show on, I don't know, some fag show on CBS. The one with the ghost. You ever see that show?

CBS? What's the ghost? Damn, a show about ghosts. The show's been on for like four years. Worst show I've ever seen in my fucking life. I would love to see you on a ghost show. I would love to be like in some kind of reality haunted house with you.

Wouldn't that be so fun? Joey Diaz with ghosts? No, I don't like fucking ghosts. I think you'd be funny with ghosts. I don't like ghosts, I don't like midgets. You don't care for that? The fact that you put midget after ghost is fascinating. They're in the same world for him. They're not real. Well, I was in the hospital. Wait, do you believe in ghosts or do you just not like them? I believe in ghosts. Yeah. I fucking believe. I've seen them. Yeah, because we

had a weird thing because we bought this house. So we just it's my first house. And Pete bought it. My husband bought it with Bitcoin. And so we live in this Bitcoin house. And it's like 100 years old. It was the only place we could buy a house because it was the only place that they would take it. It's all cops and foyer foyer. It's my neighborhood. Not a Jew for miles.

It's like if the 9-Eleven Memorial Gift Shop were a neighborhood, that's where I live. But they were like, it's the only place that they would take Bitcoin because there was like a bank there that would do it or whatever, you know? So we live in this like 200 year, I don't know, it was a really old house. And when we first came to the house, they had these, the Victorian outfits were laid on the ground. Like when we went to go look at the house and it was like a little, little baby's Victorian dress, it was disturbing. Weird thing to leave out, right? Yeah, that's a terrifying thing. That's like a, like a voodoo

thing. Yeah. And they were kind of these Victorian nightgown. I was like, wasn't that strange? You know? And then, uh, and I just kept thinking about it, but then we got the house and then later on, on, I don't know if I should be talking about this, but fuck it, I'm talking about it. But later on, so one day I was out doing a club and I looked on the cameras in the backyard and Pete was grilling in the backyard and my daughter was playing next to him. And then it's a live feed and next to her, I saw this little girl. I know I'm going to sound like insane, but I saw a little girl with long braids who was really pale. And so I called Pete.

And I'm like, who's? But I didn't see it like, oh, I saw a vision. I should have saw it clear as day. So I called Pete. I was like, who's the little pale girl next to Frankie playing with? Who's playing with Frankie? And he's like, there's nobody there.

And I was like, what do you mean? There's a little girl there. I see her. And then I went back in the footage later. I didn't see her. I nobody there. And I was like, what do you mean? There's a little girl there, you know, I see her. And then I went back in the footage later and I didn't see her. I wasn't high. I wasn't on anything. And then later on, when he was at the firehouse, I'd hear these really loud sounds at night. And the lady that owned the house told me, if you ever hear anything weird, call

me. You know, so I called her and I was like, oh, I hear these loud sounds. And she was like, I was, I was thinking you were going to call. It was like an old horror movie. She's like, my, you know, my brother died on the way back to the house and he was hit by a car. And ever since then, he used to play with his dog in the kitchen and there would be loud banging sounds. And then she said her sister also who passed in the house.

But I guess after a certain period of time, you don't have to tell anybody, you know, if like a certain amount of time goes by. What's that? Do you have to hold it it a secret that somebody died in your basement? I think it's got, I think there's like, why is there a statute of limitations on this? Just to, well, that I want to know. What is it? What is it? It's a shroomy boy.

Relax. He doesn't know anything. He has no idea what planet he's on. He's just rocking. I love that he's just kind of like rocking back and forth. Well, this fucking pillow is getting in my way, but I don't want to, yeah. Why is there a statute of limitations? I'd want to know if someone died in my house.

No, no, so do I. But I bought, my mother bought a house in 73 and the people didn't tell us that the husband fucking hung himself in the garage like four or five years earlier. So it was the same shit. I used to hear that motherfucker come up the stairs that night. It was terrifying me because he'd be at the firehouse and I could hear things on the stairs. In the sixth grade, I moved out of my house.

I told my mother, I'm not living with these fucking spirits. You killed some chicken. What would your mom do with the spirits? Did she try to clean them out? Because I was like- Yeah, they put the fuck in, they burned all that stuff. Stage and stuff.

Fuck, they lived there. Because I asked somebody for what I should do and they said holy water. So I was like, I don't know, I'm like a for what I should do, and they said holy water. So I was like, I don't know. I'm like a Jew. I don't know how you get holy water. But so I had to ask a Catholic to get me holy water. Will they give holy water to a Jew?

Tell me the truth. They will? OK. You just go to church. You just be like, I am Rachel O'Brienside. You can't steal holy water. You just go to church, put the cup in the water, and put the lid on.

They don't know who the fuck they are. Really? Oh, so there's just like a little bath there? Yeah, because it's like a big bath. The priest blesses it every day. That's bullshit too. I didn't know if holy water, that's fucking. Really? It's just anything.

You know, I mean these fucking priests. That's where they get it. You just dip your, like, you just dip your, like a punch or something? I didn't know that. Steve Simone is freaking out right now, yelling stuff at it. You don't know how to do it.

When you go to church, you have to like do it and then the sign of the cross. This one, I and i try yeah don't worry about it don't worry about nobody can such an idiot but there's a second one right isn't there this one yeah down that one's cool looking yeah yeah that's a quick one yeah that's for like catholics in a rush yeah you ain't got time to fuck it you know i, I wanted to be Catholic so bad when I was a girl It just seems so cool. It does Yes, they're overrated being Christian being all like yeah Christian is so much better than Jewish. It looks better with a christmas is better

b Like we had did you ever have to like go? To like the high holidays when everyone else had the day off from school? Yes, it's, it's, it was. The microphone's gone. Sorry. I love how many times you've had to do it for me. I just look like such a dumb hole right now. Like all the men have to help me with the microphone.

Like how did you work? But no, it's not fun being Jewish. And now it's fucking, people get mad at you for being Jewish now. Yeah, now it's getting a little dicey. But, but I will say, but Catholics, yeah, they give not fun being Jewish. And now it's fucking people getting a little dicey. But but I will say, but Catholics, yeah, they give you a hard time. I get the craziest DMs. I'll be like, I swear to God, I'll just be promoting a show. And somebody called me an oven magnet. I'm like, can you fucking can you promote a show in Tampa?

That be calling it being called a goddamn oven magnet. Also, oven magnet is I guess it's just some derogatory term for Jews, but it's particularly hilarious because it's like this person's obviously not a Holocaust denier because they acknowledge that we went to the ovens, but like by calling us oven magnets, they're kind of acting like we just couldn't get enough of the ovens. Like we just gravitated towards them or something. Oven magnet is the dumbest thing I've ever. We were eating at dinner, we were eating dinner like the first night Saturday.

And we're talking about something and the Jews came up. I told my daughter, I go, you know, listen, in my world, when I read that, I still remember being like, what, in the fifth grade, sixth grade when you hear about the Holocaust? And it bothered me. Like it just bothered me. Then I think about the American Indian and what they did to them. That's why I told my daughter, I go my world the Indians could do whatever the fuck they want And the Jews could do whatever the fuck they want. They could shoot as many people Hamas Puerto Ricans

Cubans go because they got thrown through wolves and I hope for years I was like nobody stuck up for them Nobody went over there with a fucking missile and dropped it on fucking German. What the fuck was going on? Oh, yeah, nobody did go to the I've never done a I mean I'll torture him with harsh witch jokes and shit But on stage I will make an ass which joke and I won't make an abortion joke Right two things why abortion what is it about abortion? Yeah, yeah, you going to cringe a woman.

Maybe she had an abortion. She hooked up with a Chinese guy with one leg and she's... I was so touched and that was a hilarious thing to follow up with. I was like, I have a sensitivity. That was just for me. Sure, that was your line, what you felt uncomfortable with.

I was not going to do an abortion joke. I mean, I make fun of the Catholics all day. No abortion jokes and no Holocaust jokes. It just... Do you know what I was jealous of with Catholics confessing? Like I was just like, it seems so satisfying to just go and confess all everything and then you're just done with it. Did you like confessing or was it like... Yeah, but if I knew what I knew now, I'd go in there and make up shit. You know what I'm saying? Like to really get them going. I killed two people at the fucking seventh grade last week just to make them read the paper and shit.

Like you kind of lie to them motherfuckers. As I got older, I'm like, I never did that as a kid because I was always very, I was always a kid, I believed in it. I'd go in there and tell them, I shoplift, you don't listen to your mother, you look at a Playboy magazine or something. Would you have your worst thing you did, but then you would just say, would you say the real things that you did or would you have, I heard that Catholics have, they have the foil thing they say and not the real stuff.

Yeah. Instead of saying I killed a prostitute, they're just like, I didn't listen to my mom or something. No, I was pretty honest with the guy. Yeah. And then one day I'm like, fuck him. You know, what do I gotta tell him my shit for? You better tell me some fucking stories of what you did. And then I'll tell you where the fuck I'm coming from.

That's a good point, actually. After a while I was like, why am I? And then now I'm like, fuck, I wish I'd go in there now and tell him, like, listen, I'm the one that's killing all the women in New York City. That is the funniest idea ever. And that would be a great sketch to just go in and start admitting to different murders. That would be a great podcast.

Just be like, yeah, it killed a few pros, it killed a few coeds, but besides that, it's been a solid week. Yeah, just tell them. And let's test his moral, fuck him, whatever. Let's see if he fucking watches and called 911. But it just seemed like a very cleansing and neat thing. And I hear a lot of Catholics, they they have bad memories associated with confessing. But for me, it was like I used to make my brother hold up the sheet and stuff.

And so I would confess in between. It just seemed like very satisfying. You just get rid of everything bad you did and start all over again with more filth the following week. Right. Well, that's what I mean. Yeah. But there wasn't that much right to tell at that age. Yeah. But there wasn't that much to tell at that age. You know, there wasn't much when I was really into it.

But aren't you supposed to say, like, I took the Lord's name in vain? Like that's. And now you're talking about murders. That's that's every day. That's why. Like, God damn, or something like that. Yeah, you can't.

Yeah, no, I was never really. I just took it as I was raised really Catholic. Like that's what to a certain age, it still fucks with me. Like the guilt, the guilt. It still fucks with me to a certain age. And then Cuba is a Catholic fucking country. So like Thursday nights when most kids, what's that week, Holy Week? My week ended on Wednesday. Thursday there's no music, there's no TV. Friday there's no music, there's no TV. Till fucking Saturday.

Wait, this is just like the Jews. Yeah. Yeah. No TV, no music though. That's torture when you're ready, you're like, fuck Jesus. No, yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm missing Batman like a motherfucker. Cause Jesus died, that's nothing to do with me. Well, you went to do with me.

Well, you went to a boarding school. Yeah. I went to college. Boarding school. Yeah. Was that traumatizing? Traumatizing. Like, the boarding school sounds terrifying to me.

If it was just regular boarding school, like military or something, it wouldn't have been so bad. Do you think that if you didn't go to boarding school, I mean, obviously you're a great, incredible comic, but do you think if you didn't go to boarding school, you would have been traumatized enough to be a comic? I would have been traumatized by just the life we were living. That's why my mom put me in boarding school so I'd have to see the shit that those animals were fucking living through.

So she did it to protect you. Yeah, because there was a lot of shit going on then. So when I came out, then I still stuck to the rules. But once I smoked pot, I'm like, sorry, God, it ain't gonna work. I listened to your book, I read it. I mean, I'm the type of guy that if I go to church, even now, and I look at the 12 stations of the cross,

I get really sad, like I'll cry in church. And I'll like wipe a tear, that's why I couldn't get high and go to church, because I get so fucking depressed. Yeah. And church is seeing the 12 signs. Lee, stop yawning, god damn it. I'm not yawning, I'm about to puke. Are you?

Are you really? No, I'm okay. There was two little grams of mushrooms. Listen, not in the middle of the damn- No, I won't make it to the bathroom. I'm just gonna give him a little bucket. Yeah, have some water. Here, have some water. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

No, you need a drink. You're not drinking enough. Have some water and have like an Advil or something. And you need a little snack, like a bar or something. I don't know. You need a little something. Who buys bullshit? He was happy, meatball jumping up and down.

Fuck. No, it's really weird how, it was just traumatizing how the nuns treated us. Like that wouldn't have been accepted today. But it was the 70s. That's what your parents wanted, the nun to bat you in the head and make sure you ate all your string beans.

I fucking hated string beans. So they would beat me for that, for not eating string beans. Like what the fuck? Like what the fuck? Can you imagine, I mean, what level of heightened twat do you have to be to beat a kid for not eating string beans? And they fucking turn that ring around

and give you back hands and shit. Oh my God. So yeah, it was not, it was not fucking. Now I go to church and it's like, it ain't even the same church that I grew up in. I got a gay singer, what the fuck? Eight in the morning with a scarf around his neck. When you, when you.

The fuck is he doing singing? What are, what are the, wait, you don't want the gay guy to sing? I don't mind if he sings, but what's he doing here at seven in the morning? He should be somewhere stitching up his asshole from the night before. If he's a real gay guy, you know, he should be there with the St. Bernard's with the fucking bandages. But what are the stations? I know I should know these things, but what are the stations? The stations of the cross are like, it's like what happened on Thursday. They came to get them and then they take them and then they judge, Pontius judged them.

Oh, I thought it was like levels of sin. How dumb is that? I thought it was like, oh, if you get a hand job, that's like the first station. Well, they don't tell us. Like I was telling Joey last week, it was, um, what's the, before Easter with the, on the forehead? Palm Sunday. Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday. I grew up in Massachusetts and around a lot of Catholics, but they didn't take off from school to do it. And I'm Jewish. I went to school in Boston. I was 19 years old before, I was walking around being like, why does everyone have dirty stuff

on their head? I would think that too. I didn't know. I mean, one time I got a babysitter and she was very religious and she was like, Oh, do you mind if I give your kid the, she was going to bring my kid to, to church and it was Ash Wednesday. And I was like, Oh, and then she, she smeared my kid at the corner. She put the schmutz on my, on my girl. Yeah. She was like, I didn't, but also I kind of feel like that's a second question. I was like, sure, you could bring her to church. But she didn't ask if she could schmutz schmutz on her. But she did. But it's OK, because I like Catholics.

Fucking deal. Yeah, I believe I really do. And today I really believe because who else would give me a fucking baby at 50 years old? Right. You know, I'm saying like just to get everything out. Like when I sit there and look at it, I go, what the fuck? Yeah, just didn't come from the. Somebody knew I was hurting. Yeah. So boom. And then did you feel like you started over when you had the baby?

Like your life? No, I go to church now and I'm like, I ain't doing this shit. Fuck you. Look at me. Diane Sawyer over here with my dub question. Did you feel like that was ayer over here with my dub question. Did you feel like that was a turning over, like a shut up? Like me, I was like, I didn't go to college and look at me interviewing him. Like, and was that your pivotal?

There's so many things that bother me about churches because it's not even real. Yeah. And my wife said something. She goes, one day your daughter got sick at church, nobody turned to help her. And I'm like, fuck that place. We're not going back there again.

Yeah, no, that's unacceptable. But she even tried her religion, that country place. We're not going back there again. Yeah, no, that's unacceptable. But she even tried her religion, that country shit. You know, when they stand around, I don't fucking know. And she was like, those people are fucking weird, too. It's not the same. Wait, like Quaker? What country shit?

Nah, you know, when they fucking clap. Oh, the talking in tongues and all that. When a lady gets a heart attack, like, you know. Yeah. Whatever. No, that is hilarious. The talking in tongue stuff is ridiculous. Yeah, it's really crazy. No, that is hilarious. The talking in tongue stuff is ridiculous. Oh, that's crazy.

Do you think that there when people are doing that, like that they're fully experiencing it like that or they think they are? Or do you think people go in there and just like fake it to get people off their backs? They fake it. It's like when you see people healed and also the guys playing the drugs. He's been in a coma and also in this fucking charlatan comes over, hits him with the Bible and the guy gets up and he's singing dance tunes and shit. It also just seems like exhausting. Like it's exhausting enough to have to get up and sit down.

I don't know if that's true in church and temple, right? We always have to stand up and sit down. That is annoying enough. Imagine if you had to just go around like, you know, chirping and screaming and all the hell-man-er-nonsense. Yeah, I was just church. What Jesus would want a fucking fat nun to smack a kid. I had to just go around like, you know, chirping and screaming and all the hell-manner nonsense. What Jesus would want a fucking fat nun to smack a kid. Yeah, no.

Like I started thinking like that, like, what Jesus? Jesus told you you could smack me, you little fat fucking? No, no, that's insane. Is your wife religious? She was. Also, I feel like there's a difference between church and religion. Like, I feel like there is, you know, I mean, I do think a lot of the evil shit happens

in the new world. I was a little turned off at the church. And I got to be honest with you. I was like, you know what? What am I going to do? And I go, you know what? I don't know if you know this. You're Catholic, right?

If you don't go to church on Sundays, it's a mortal sin. And if you kill your wife, it's a mortal sin. And if you kill your wife, it's a mortal sin. And I mean, like there were so many gaps in it that I didn't like. Like, we got to rewrite this motherfucker. Yeah. And it's the same level of sin as missing church and killing your wife. Motherfucker. Like now the church says you don't have to eat fish on Friday. I don't give a shit up for lunch because I know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Yeah. I want to eat fish the whole lunch.

How's that? We'll make a deal. I'll eat fish on Fridays. I'll make sure I'll just eat fish on Fridays. That's the most I can give you. For me to say, I'm giving up chocolate on, I'm giving up espresso martinis. Nah, nah, nah. I don't even drink espresso martinis. I'm just saying.

You want to keep your options open. Yeah, you want to keep your options open? Yeah, you want to keep your options open. But that's crazy that it's the same thing. We're not going to fuck during Trump. Good. Let's see how that works out for you, you fucking. Nobody ever wanted to fuck you anyway. Now you just make it easier for yourself now. It is funny when a woman will take herself off the table and everyone's like, we were already, we were set. Yeah. You know, it's just religion is great to a degree And then you have to ask the people what the fuck are we doing here? Yeah, religion is me coming in here and give me a half of my salary

What fucking religion is that right? You're supposed to give me something I know you want me to keep the lights turned on and I'm I'll agree to that with you But meanwhile you're driving a Cadillac or a BMW, no, that's why I don't donate to causes. I'd rather give somebody the cash. Directly, so you actually know where it's going. Yeah, because I give it to American Heart Association, the two people are driving fucking cigarettes, whatever.

You know? The two presidents are driving Bentley's and everybody else gets when you donate, if you read the fine print, they're only supposed to get like 17 percent. And the rest is they all what do they call it? And the administrative go fuck how many administrators you got. Yeah. How many pieces of paper to go fill donated 20 bucks. Bah.

That's the shit that pissed me off. So something happens like the fires. Let me tell you something. They've had so many benefits for this a life for these L.A. fires and the best is with three comics that don't draw and the proceeds go to the fucking fire. Listen, they're never going to build the house

if you keep doing shows. Well, also, I don't understand why they don't go. I feel like people should put them right to the to the victims and their co-fundings in there. But then, like some people, some stuff where they're like, oh, we've got free skin care. I'm like, they need a fucking house, bitch. They don't need powder. Yeah. Like they'll be like, oh, free spray cans for anyone that was affected by the fires. And prove me wrong.

New Orleans, Katrina, that mayor went to jail for 10 fucking years for dipping into all that money. It's just, guys, they steal everything. You can always tell by how pretentious somebody is by what they decided to give during the fires. The worst is when people have a benefit to come over their homes, like, you know, to support, you know, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

My wife said that to me one time, maybe you should do it. No, get them out of here. Get the fuck out of here. My wife said that to me one time. Maybe you should do it. No, get them out of here. Wait, like in the home? Yeah, like what do those people do? Not presentations when they come over. Sell Tupperware? No, that stupid shit.

Like even the mayor this year, the fucking guy wants 2,000 to go to his party. Like who the fuck are you? 2,000? Yeah, fuck that, come on. For $2,000, do you know what five Chinese women will do to me with a sticky hand? Do you have any idea what I could do

for $5,000 for $2,000? I don't, I want you to explain it to me. Well, it's a nice time, trust me. How many hand jobs can you get for $5,000, Papa? I don't want a hand job. Ha ha ha. And we'll take a break. You would be great giving a bedtime story.

I'm dying to do bedtime. I love all that shit. Let's take a minute here. Lee has to pee or throw up. What did I talk to you about? I know he is unwell. Do you have any idea what state you're in right now? Maryland. We want to talk to you about a few sponsors. He is unwell. Yeah. Do you have any idea what state you're in right now? You should have had the honey.

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The chicken legs are tremendous and you'll enjoy them, too. So back to the show. Thank you for supporting the church. New Testament. What's happened? Beautiful people were back. A little bathroom break. Now we're back with the beautiful Rachel Feinstein. What else? Thank you. What else you got for you. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. Always. Oh, God. It's good to be here. I bombed so bad once near here. I, in the middle of my show, this guy just stood up. I think it was at a high

school. I don't remember the name of it. I, this guy stood up. I was wearing overalls and he just goes, get off the stage, Super Mario Brothers. And I threw those overalls in a trash after. You know, you're just like, ugh. You were talking about it in your special. Someone threw a piece of pizza at you? Yes, I've had snacks thrown at me. I've had bottles. Somebody threw me a note

that told me to go back to the kitchen. I feel like at that time, if they had seen me in the kitchen, they wouldn't have wanted me to return there. But yeah, I've had a lot of things hurled at me on stage. Someone threw a pepperoni at me once, and that's about it. Really?

At stage? A pepperoni? Yeah, it was at the dojo in LA. I made a bad joke about her being transgender. But she was, if you know the LA comedy scene at the time, she's beautiful. She came to every Kill-Toni. Was she really a woman, or was she was a trans?

Originally, she was born a man, but she was hot. And I made it, the other comics were fucking with her. I was like a year in a standup. And I said, like, you ladies are fucking up. The hottest girl in here has a dick. And the audience loved it. She didn't think it was that funny. She threw a piece of pepperoni.

She threw a pepperoni. Yeah, she called me, I was about a hundred plus poundsoni. Yeah. She called me, I was about 100 plus pounds heavier too. So she called me, what's the guy from Always Sunny? Somebody threw a soft taco at me. Yeah, Danny DeVito. It was a taco though. It wasn't pizza.

It was a soft taco. Oh, OK. That's not bad. There's kind of a sadness to the way a taco sort of falls off your shittich though. It was sort of a dumb moment. But I definitely had a lot of things hurled at me before. I can't believe that people would throw shit at a woman on stage.

I just, I can't believe that shit. You know that and since I started comedy, I thought women were funny. I've always thought women were funny. I mean, I grew up on a Lucio fucking ball. Yeah. And the other chick, I have always thought women are funny. I mean, I grew up on Lucio fucking ball. Yeah. And the other chick, I have always thought women are funny. And for years, people kept saying that that idiot that got fired from Letterman for saying women are not funny. Oh, who said that? Yeah.

People do still say that even when you get a compliment after a show, they'll be like and honestly, a lot of women say it, too. They'll be like, I usually hate female comedians, but you're good. They're usually like, yeah, usually. And then whenever they have like a female comic tour, they would always make it be called like pumps and punch lines or like bleeding across America or something like it could never just be.

It was always like they have tits, but then they also do comedy. And there was just some asshole with like a, you do the math expression. I'm like, we just do standup. Why do you have to keep it like tits and how would it possibly work? Yeah. I don't know why that always happens.

What are they getting so upset about? Cause I just saw your special on Netflix and it was mostly about your husband. What were you talking about before that they get so upset about? I don't think it was like me specifically. Honestly, when I had a soft taco thrown at me, I honestly think I was performing at the I'm not name dropping, but I was performing at the Culinary Academy of Vegas. Because obviously I'd made it show business. And I think they just wanted to microwave something and the microwave was behind me. I think I was an impediment to the microwave. Some bitch wanted to microwave like a hot pocket and she told her boyfriend to throw a taco at me because I was like Standing in front of the hot pocket station. Yeah, I don't think it was like I'm so controversial that I make people question things No, I think it was just like I was in the way of them. Yeah, they're taco station

In Miami, they would throw fucking chicken wings Black night and they would throw me when I black chicks You're black and you throw them at black chicks. I never understood that. Did you have a wing thrown at you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That should have been four years into comedy. Yeah. We came up at the stage and I hit him with the microphone.

Did you really? I had to. Batteries were everywhere. Blood. I don't give a fuck. Suit a club. I got off the stage and got my stake in left like nothing happened Fuck you. You're gonna come fuck with us on stage. That's a security problem. Yeah What security? Well, a lot of clubs don't want to pay And they want to sit behind the fucking thing. So

Big guy, what do I do if somebody attack? I just go, you obviously don't know who my father is. And then I just run. It's Howie Feinstein. You see that little Tom Patansio? He's a lawyer. And then I just run out the building. You kick them in the fucking balls as hard as you can and run. Yeah, that's a good point.

That's what girls got. Kick them real. They're not even going to expect a look. And they look. Yeah. What's that? A midnight run with De Niro and that dude? That's how you would always get away from the guy.

And the guy would turn and he'd hit him. Fucking, you know. They don't know. Yeah, nobody's afraid of my little Jew fist. I have a wind up move that does not scare people. Nobody cares about a little gist like this. I've got nothing. I've never been in a fight in my life.

We don't fight. Jew's are tough. We get, you know, we litigate. No. You litigate and there's smarter ways to fucking do it. But I never understood that how people could just throw a chicken wing on a woman on stage or even myself. I had one problem when I shot my first special for fucking-

See-So. See-So, whatever the fuck. There was a listen You ever go to a show and will not you because you're a woman, but Let's say Like Joe Rogan. Mm-hmm. He had like when he was on news radio. There was yeah 30 women in the front row But there's always that one husband that has to come For Kim, why you coming Sit at home with your friend. I'm coming.

And they come and they sit there the whole night. The girls are laughing. He's the husband that's just, you've seen that. You see that again and again. You always see some guy who looks backed up because like his wife, he hasn't gotten laid with his wife in the last year or so and then she's laughing at this comic. And so he thinks that equates to he's never going to be inside of her or something. I'm like, well, why did'm like, why did you not?

Why did you not bring her to that company? Come in the first place. You gotta see these guys. Yeah, they just frown and glare at you. Yeah. Look at the wife. He's not funny. Okay.

Okay. Whereas I feel like a female comedian does the opposite for a man. We're like a cock assist. We do the opposite of cock block because there's not like no guys like if I could just get better female comics. So I feel like we make your wife look nicer. Like I feel like there's a lot of couples that walk away from my shows and they're like, you know what, I got a good lady at home.

You know, that's like I don't rub her knee enough. They just see me just this loud ass bitch, you know, just yammering about God knows what. I mean, yeah, my husband clearly he's a chief now He should have married like an athena Titian or a nurse. I'm just out here talking out of turn He doesn't need this hassle in his life Pretty soon they'll play this tape and love left me for some nurse named Gina, which is what he should have done in the first place I love funny women Like I've never been that uptight on stage. I had a friend once, there used to be a comic in LA.

She was a female Sam Kenison. She was fucking funny. Yeah. She was at the store for years. She didn't travel, she had four kids. Yeah. But I saw a lot of people struggle behind that and guys' egos would not.

And I saw, I had two instances. I Saw her blow away Nick DiPaolo Wow Nick DiPaolo because Nick crushes what used to crush. Yeah, I can take it Did he like did he get angry her end when she brought him up and pushed her hand? And oh my god, that's the last time he performed at the store because Mitchie was in the room, but Another time she was in law here. Yeah, because Mitchie was in the room. But another time she was in La Hoya, and I was doing something in San Diego.

So that day I went to the club, and I saw the feature act, he was a good guy, and I remember we're looking for Chinese food, and I go, so who's closing tonight? He's like, me. And I go, Doug, you better be careful with this fucking chick. You better be real.

Even me would say, you better be careful because Saturday night, it's date night. Let's throw it around a little bit. Let's flip it. Let's think about your common sense. Do you really want to go up there? If she gets a good wind going as a feature actor, you're done. Why don't you just end it? Go up there, do your 30, get in the car and go home and let her just know.

Know. So that's what happened. Early show Friday. She destroyed the rest of the weekend. She had a feature and he was not happy about it. I remember seeing him that day. I was a fucker. Then they start making excuses. She was dirty. She I opened for this guy once and I had like a really good set before him. I don't even know who he was because it was like a road guy from years and years ago.

And after he got off, he goes, you don't have to say all those things. And he gave me like a soft face, right? He was like, you don't have to say all that sweet. Don't tuck me in because I fucking killed before you. But yeah, when a woman starts killing, because you got to think Saturday night is date night. Yeah, you want to play that ego thing? I just want them to watch a good show Right for years. I always brought a woman feature

No, you are always really nice to me because I mean I only met you once but many many years ago I auditioned for Mitzi and You were really sweet to me afterwards. Like I didn't know anybody in LA. I was staying at my elderly aunt's house It was like an hour and a half away You were really sweet to me afterwards. Like I didn't know anybody in LA. I was staying at my elderly aunt's house. It was like an hour and a half away. I was still a full-time nanny. And I was just so nervous about my audition for Mitzi. And she passed me,

but I just didn't really have the money to go back to LA and keep playing there. And I think I didn't really know what it meant. Like I didn't understand the whole system. And yeah, I would go around with like, and I would just, it was so embarrassing. I would just go around with like, I didn't understand the whole system. And yeah, I would go around with like, you know, and I would just, it was so embarrassing. I would just go around with like, I didn't know any better.

I would go around with like a business card and like hand it to people. And people are just like, no one needs this. But you were like, I was like, what does that mean? You were like, it's good. She likes you. You did something interesting. And yeah, you were very kind to me.

I loved that fucking store on Sunday nights. And the women, when they go up there and come in, there was women there, you know, again, trying to fucking be movie stars. But a real comic, because she looked at comics. Yeah. She meant she didn't look at you as a pretty chick. She looked at you for being funny.

That's why you saw women from all shapes and sizes up there. But when I was in LA, I always felt like insane just because I'm just such an East Coast person. And they would and I would get extra nervous there. And people could smell it on you when you're from New York and LA. Like I would just go into a store and try to do the smallest thing. Like I remember going into like ordering like cheese at like a like a deli type place and they were just like, oh, you're from the East Coast. Like they could just hear it right away because I just have that I'm a lot, you know, and

I don't realize I'm a lot, you know, and I don't realize I'm a lot you know and They were like, okay, they're just like yeah, you know, like I don't have that like kind of Conversation before the conversation in my mind like immediacy is politeness So I just come in and I'm like, can I have that like and they're just like whoa The fuck down. Yeah, like this guy's just been napping on the beach all afternoon. He's like, bitch, fucking yeah, take some mushrooms. Why are you in a rush? But I, so there's that feeling when I see somebody

that's from the East Coast in New York, it's like, I'm like, I mean, in LA, like it's like handlebars. I'm like, oh, okay, you were nice to me. And you were like, I get you, you know? Like you're sweet. Yeah, he's always on Sunday nights. I would watch all the auditions. That's why I took that job. You know, like in your suite. I would watch all the auditions.

That's why I took that job. Because I could talk to her. I could I could sit next to her like I didn't know you. But I could sit next to her. So when people when she was watching you, somebody can come over and go, I'm it. And interrupt her. So you would like protect her. So I sat next to her. So nobody if a friend of mine was showcasing,

they would get 100% attention from her. The same thing for me. When I showcase, Eddie Griffin sat down next to her. And he told me, he goes, I didn't want no motherfuckers in here talking to her while you were on stage, because that's what you do. You sit next to her.

And when people come over, hi Mitzi, get the fuck out of here. We are high Mitzi. Yeah, I remember being in like, I remember I got like close to getting, I don't know, what was that show? They brought In Living Color back and I was like, you know, about to be on it.

Like I got to like the top five, but I didn't get the show. I don't know what year it was. It was at least 10 years ago. It was a while ago. I don't know what year it was. It was at least 10 years ago. It was a while ago. I want to put my phone up. When MySpace was popular, I went to an audition one day.

I knew this woman. She had put me in a lot of roles. Very nice. I have her phone number on there because she called me a couple of years ago. She goes, you haven't come into audition. I go, I'm in fucking Jersey. And she goes, oh my God, I'm so happy.

But she asked me if I knew you. And I'm like, I don't know no fucking Rachel Feinstein. I did meet you many years ago. You were nice to me. Facebook, MySpace. And I sent you a thing. That says, somebody wants you to audition. I forget what her name is now.

Really sweet. Oh, that's so cool. I mean, I knew her when she was fucking single and hot to trot. Now she's got like four daughters. That's how long I was out there. Yeah. So she asked me and I would always, you know, she would always like ask me what I thought.

What do you think about this girl? So she came to you, I'm like, I don't know, I'm fucking Rachel Feinstein. Yeah. And she had the store and they're like, nah, it's New York and I, my space, I never had back. And maybe she had contact with me.

Really? I definitely didn't see that message because that would have been Christmas morning for me. I would have been so excited. But I remember being out there, but you were nice to me. I don't, I talked to you at the store and you were, you could tell that I didn't know what the fuck was going on around me.

You're like, she needs a little guidance right now. And you like explained a few things to me and you were nice to me. And I think earlier that day, I had done some some audition out there and I was really nervous for it. And like in in L.A., like they have these auditions that are like they're like their office is also kind of like their living room. Like everything's blended together in New York.

Everything's separate. It's like you have your fucking office and you have your house. Like, I just didn't understand what the fuck was going on. I was like, there's a bunch of bitches on couches. I'm just like California. They're like cozying up. There was a fucking dog in my audition. You know, like I'm like, what's good? I practiced this audition for like a month. Like I was so nervous about it. I was teaching my house myself how to like weep on camera.

It was an emotional scene. I'm in the middle of auditioning and the dog just starts sniffing my dumb crotch. And I'm like, thising my dumb crotch. And I'm like, this is my moment, bitch. You know, she's like, don't worry about Zoe. She's this. This just means she likes you. It's like, yeah, your dog can't just like eat me out during the audition. I had to get through this. Yeah. And I was, but that would be like, what would happen in LA? Like I just didn't understand the vibe. I'm like, people either like here, it's like, you work out or you don't there.

It's like, we're going to have a meandering hike and you know what I mean? And just like and read each other's auras. And I'm like, no, I want to go to the gym for 30 minutes and be furious the entire time and then go back home again. I want to go to a New York sports club and just play some kind of music that infuriates me and be done with it. Like I don't understand this. Like we're half hiking, but you know, we're also doing, like, you know, rock work on each other or something.

I'm like, yeah, I want to work out or read each other's signs. No, you're the audition. You got some to that. Really? I love to call and get yoga with goats. Yeah, but the dog was going down on me. It was really distracting. I love to do them on my own. Book me a job and I'll do whatever the fuck you want me to do. I'll get the dogs, the whole fucking thing. But until then, let's just get the job going.

In LA, and I noticed that in New York, I went to three auditions in the city. They were all in hotel rooms. Right. They were always in somebody's... One time I went and I saw fucking... A hotel room, yeah. The really good looking dude from... He's married to Victoria, the soccer player Beckham.

Oh yeah. He was staying at the hotel. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing there? I'm staying here, dog. I'm rocking the house. I went to an audition once where they asked me, when I got to the audition, they asked me, it was for some like independent film network or something. And I was just doing that, just bullshitting.

I didn't know shit about independent film. I knew nothing. I was a deep moron. And I feel like also I get I get credit for having more information because I'm like sarcastic and Jewish. But I'm like, I didn't go to college like, I don't know. You're I don't know. You're like art film. So we're in the middle of the audition. A lady was like, why don't you tell me some of the film?

But I was being funny, so I was kind of getting close to getting it like they liked me. And then she's like, why don't you tell me some of the film? But I was being funny, so I was kind of getting close to getting it like they liked me. And then she's like, why don't you tell me the films that have most inspired you, like the indie films that really changed the course of your life? And I was like, you can't say like I couldn't be like Caddyshack. You know, so I was like, that's what I did. I went to Emerson and it sucked because everyone was like, oh, my favorite film is it was that French one. I can't. It doesn't matter. It was in French. And I was like, I like the Angerman.

I feel like all those art films, it was like the boy in the red balloon or some shit. And I was like, coming to America? You know, like, I don't know. So so I said, I remember that I go, there was an actor, there's a movie with Diane Lane. And it was like, I don't even know if it was an independent film, but it was a movie where she, I think she has an affair on her husband and she is, I think it's Unfaithful or something. Yeah, with Richard Gere.

Right. Richard Gere played the husband. I loved that film and the guy in the film, I can't remember his name, but they said, what are your favorite independent actors? And I said, Gabriel Garcia Marquez. They said, if you could be with one man, like one independent, like, you know, actor in a movie, like, you know, who's the sexiest one to you? But I didn't remember the guy's name and unfaithful with who I said Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who

apparently is like some elder author that wrote like 100 years of solitude. He was like 96 or something. And they just looked at me like this girl doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. And I was like, oh, you know who if I could have 24 hours no questions asked You know who could really punish me and I was like Gabriel Garcia and they're like, I think he he's Are you sure you know what you're saying right now? They're like cuz he's dying and I believe he's 97 right now They're like, yeah bitch. She is colon cancer. Yeah He could be your grandfather and I'm like, he can do anything with me.

No rules and no apologies. And I just didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. It's crazy, man. That whole world. Yeah, it is. But, you know, I feel like, I do feel like I feel bad for people that don't do stand up at least, or don't have something they can do immediately because it's like, at least with us, no matter what happens, we can go on stage and we can go have fun with our friends and talk some shit like I'm not sitting around waiting. Like once that dog was eating me out, I knew that I wasn't going to get a call back, but

I could go up at the store that night and like meet you or have something else exciting happen. You know, so I do feel like it saved me from from waiting for this, you know, imaginary call from like Mr. Hollywood that's going to put me in the pictures, you know, because the other day, like I could still go have a laugh with some friends, you know, stand up. I don't know. Stand up is a fucking wild animal. Yeah. Learn what stand up was to Roseanne was on Larry King Live. And he asked, he goes, why did you throw the ABC executives

out of your Christmas party? And she goes, I'll tell you why. Cause none of them know what the fuck they were talking about. She goes, you gotta remember one thing about comedians. We produce, direct, write, we do it all. We don't even know what we're doing. I guess you're right.

But we're doing it all. We do it all. That's why people come up to you, Hi, I produce a show at Gotham. Go fuck yourself. Go produce a pillow fight. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I'll fucking produce that. You're right. We do have to do all of it. And we do have to develop some level of street smarts too

because we're just hurling our bodies all around the world. Yeah. No, and even that's, I think that stand up grounds you. I mean, a lot of actors got famous and they all went through the store or they did stand, you know, Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia, they all experimented with it just to see where it took them. Yeah. And they just moved on. It's the ones that become actors.

And then when things get bad, they want to do stand up, I'll smack you in the fucking face. Those people from Sinai Live, I love them to death, but they're not standups. Right, yeah. They're not standups. And it pisses me off when somebody will say to me, you know who's really funny?

This guy. And I'm like, hold on, that's a comedic actor. Yeah. That guy gets cut. Cut, you didn't say the line right. The line is this. OK. And he has to say it again. And all these idiots got to laugh all over again.

No, we don't have that on stand up, bitch. No. OK. They're a comedic actor. Yeah. With stand ups. It's me, a fucking microphone and bricks. That's it. Fuck your chicken wings. Fuck your nachos. If you watch all those early Richard Pryor fucking albums, was it something I said?

The other two that I like that you can't say now, because, yeah. You know. Yeah, no, I also feel like, I feel like when people, when I was on the road a lot, like the year, not some years of my life were crazy where there was nobody else waiting for me so I could just be on the road.

But I do feel like you also learn what actually makes people laugh and people will very quickly go to you like, oh no, that's not really funny. It's like, I've taken this to the depths of hell back. And that's when I also realized when people would be like, nobody wants to laugh at that. Nobody's ready for this. Like, I'm like, it's not true. People, you go anywhere and people will laugh at anything. They don't care. You know, like, and that's, that's the one thing that I do

feel like people kind of will dismiss standups. But I'm just like, we, we know because we go around every pocket of this country and we actually know what people are laughing at today and that they don't give a shit Like that's why Sam's were the first person people to know that like the woke thing wasn't gonna laugh like the thing about Being worried about everything you're gonna say because at the end of the day people don't care you Yeah, fuck you like the bitch that's writing me a joke about like how dare you disrespect your husband He's a hero or whatever and I'm just like the firemen are the ones at my show like it's like my show's now 80% fucking firemen who just want me to trash them yeah I'm like no they don't

give a shit you think they care they hurl their bodies into burning buildings come home and punch a wall you think they're worried about some jews joke yeah they don't care don't tell me what people care about yeah people ask me all the time how come you don't go to those clubs in the city? I'll tell you why. Because if I walk into one of those clubs and I see those little young pussies, cringe, I will knock the fuck out of them and go off. Like I will go off, you little fucking faggot, your mother raised a faggot. Look at that.

I mean, you can tell. They don't eat egg yolks. That's how come they all became pussies because this new generation, nobody wants to give them egg yolks. They eat those egg whites. Because egg yolks are one for each fucking nut. That's the way it is. Since you were born, you ate two egg yolks a day, one for each nut. Then some white guy said, no, no, no, no. They're not good for you. Now look outside. All these little skinny faggots with the fucking blue shoes, and the brown. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, no, no, no, no. It just weakens you from the fucking...

But don't you think that gay guys don't give a shit? Like, you can say anything to gay guys. No, anything. They love it. As a crowd in general, I'm just saying, like, gay guys, usually they don't give a shit. When you start comedy, you always have these things you put in your head.

Like, I hate doing comedy for people with white hair. Right, right. As soon as I saw somebody with white hair, I'm gonna bomb. No, you're not. Right. No, you have those little things in your head. That's so true. You have those little things in your head.

I can't say this. I saw Andrew Dice Clay light a room full of fags up in fucking Vegas and they loved it. They were crying, bringing them up in the thing. He went up there and told them, he goes, they're going to build a whole new hotel for you faggots. And you know, he's like, ah. I feel most afraid when I'm like, with the time that I have been nervous in the past was like when I'm doing shows in front of like old Jews,

because I'm like, they are disappointed in me. Like I am a disappointment to most Jewish fathers. Like yeah, like they don't want me out there going rogue like this, talking all this shit, you know, don't start laughing. No, I do feel like now I've gotten past it. But like I think in the beginning, like I remember when I got when I did the last comic standing and I got eliminated and I was next to like Felipe Esparza, who's a really funny comic.

But like, you know, I didn't know I was going home. First of all, you know, when you like don't know you're going home yet, like I thought I had another show or two. And so they go like they go like comics, please step forward. You know when you like don't know you're going home yet? Like I thought I had another show or two with me They go like comics, please step forward and I was really feeling myself But I was like this other comic Tommy John again really funny I was like Tommy let's do like a dumb dance when they told us to step forward I was like, I'll do like a shimmy So I was doing a fucking shimmy and then they told me to leave I was like mid shimmy

I'm like wait now I'm not supposed to leave right now I was like just doing the dumbest. And then I got a million texts, not like I'm so sorry they eliminated you. Like, were you just doing a shimmy? And I'm like, no, but ironically. But I do feel like a lot of times, like when I looked at Felipe's crowds,

they had signs for him. Like the Latinos come out for their fucking people. You think the Jews were proud of me being up there? They were like, oh my goodness, it's just too much. And the Jews invented this shit. In Auschwitz, they were doing somebody's doing stand up. Right? They're all getting ready to die.

Let me tell you a joke one time. Three Jews and a Nazi walked in. Ooh, there goes the match. There goes the oven. I do feel like there's a lot of times I'll be like a Jewish couple on my show. And I don't think they knew that they were going to see me. Like, I feel like they leave and they're like,

Dianne Feinstein seemed very uptight tonight. I don't know why she's dating that police officer. Like, I feel like a lot of times old Jewish ladies leave my show and they meant to go to a different show. Do you know what I mean? They're like, Mamma Mia, we're supposed to be good. But then we saw that terrible whore. Oh, well, you know, I used to. Oh, I think all comics have, like I said,

I didn't want to talk about abortions or archery. We also have the same thing for audiences. We always have like I remember going to North Carolina on a fucking college run. I was so excited. Oh, my God. Chapel Hill. I hated those motherfuckers afterward. They fucked them. Didn't laugh. They didn't even. I'm like, you're in college. This is the shit you laugh at you little gay fuck. I do feel like sometimes our colleges, they're really uptight. Yeah.

Yeah. This is 15 years ago. Really? Yeah. Before the wokeness. I don't know, if I'm 18, all I wanna hear about is tits, pussy, and fucking beer, right? That's, you know, nobody wants to hear about anything else, you know, when you're 18, 19. I thought, not down there, dog. They were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

All right, I guess I gotta go. Wait, what, also, it's the fucking college's fault. If it's college, it books Joey Diaz at a college. What the fuck, do you guys think? Which college, first of all? That's what I gotta go. Wait, also, it's the fucking college's fault. College books, Joey Diaz at a college. What the fuck do you guys think? Which college, first of all? That's what I wanna know. And here's the sick thing. They had a wet t-shirt contest at halftime.

So they brought up two comics, had a wet t-shirt contest, and then I followed the wet t-shirt contest. So I'm like, I'm gonna like Flint. I'm gonna go up there and talk about the flapjack titties. Yeah, if you follow damn tits, it's on them. Yeah, a titty smells like curry. No. They just stared there like, I'm like, OK.

There was a wet t-shirt content. In between, which you know you hate that shit as a comic. You just want to get back to your hotel room. Oh my god, the worst thing I've ever had to follow, I did a gig once and the woman was like, oh, just so you know, really quick before you go up. And she said this, I swear to God, Joey, she said it like it was just an off handed thing. She goes, Oh, so they're all ready for

you in there. Just one quick thing. And then you go up and I go, Oh, what, what's that? She goes, just a special needs choir singing the star spangled banner, which I would argue she said it off handedly. Oh nothing Special needs choir singing the star-spangled fucking banner and then you I would argue that it's better to follow I'd rather follow Hitler because I can trash Hitler. I can't trash. I'm not gonna make fun of a special needs choir Follow Hitler then follow a special needs choir. And on a Friday night, where was this? Do you remember where this was? It was at a temple in, I think in Jersey. Oh, it was a Jewish people. Yeah, it was like a temple gig in Jersey. But it wasn't like during the day. It was like an

evening, some kind of fundraiser thing or something. And you know everybody there on a Friday night did not want to see a bunch of little retards. I think some of them were their parents, so they were like emotional and weeping. And then they're like, and now keep it going for this trash pig. Yeah, everyone got it sold to them as the special needs choir. Yeah. And by the way, the special needs choir was jumping up and down afterwards and hugging each other like they didn't think they could make it through it. So I can't go up, I mean, you can't acknowledge it.

Don't you think it's so much better to follow Hitler than a specialty squad? I'm telling you. I'm telling you. It's, it's somebody- Because Hitler, I can make fun of him, you know? And it's always in the Midwest. The Midwest have the goofy things.

Yeah. The Midwest always have the fucking people. Before the show, we're gonna give a special shout out to all the fucking army people in the area. Well, if you have more than two fucking kids that join the army, this ain't a good fucking town. You know what I'm saying? Like.

Yeah. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. No, they don't set the rich kids to the army. I mean, you're not wrong.

Yeah. You know, when you work the Midwest, you always have those people, let's keep it going for the armed service. Listen, they don't wanna hear that shit. Yeah. Just tell me the material. I know, when you work the Midwest, you always have those people, let's keep it going for the armed service. Listen, they don't want to hear that shit. Yeah. Just tell me the material. I know, yeah.

And you always get the one mom in the back, my son's in Kuwait getting beat up as we speak, or whatever the fuck. You're right, they don't want to think about that. These are the only people putting towels on his head. You know, I just, I just, after a while, you just gotta be honest and go, I'm not coming to be here no more.

You're not gonna, like, what do you mean? I don't care how much money they make me, or how bad I need it, I'm not coming to Iowa to do more. You're not gonna wait, like what do you mean? I don't care how much money they make me or how bad I need it, I'm not coming out, I wanna do comedy no more. There's just a couple states that you learn right off the bat. I did a show in Chicago once, it wasn't even Chicago. They told me it was all, whatever that, what Chicago called the state?

Illinois. Illinois. Illinois, fuck it is. It was at the edge of, it was like the capital of meth. Yeah. During my show Everybody was fucked up and then when the parents left Don't parents there, huh? It was a Mexican restaurant. They were bringing headliners in once a month Guys, I'm there's only two planes out of there date a day

This is bringing up gigs. I've done because oh my god Yeah, the thing that in a certain point is almost like abuse. Like it's like I've detached. I I've gone to some of the darkest places in the world and you just detach. You're like a child going to a Meadow Word safe while your uncle's abusing you. Like I'm like, this is bringing up memories for me. I play and it was like one time I remember I was on my it was my fucking birthday and I was on stage freshly dumped by some guy lost my suitcase

I was like in a fucking some university sweatshirt of some bitch that owned the club then she's like Just so you know, we don't have a sign outside. We lost our sign rights. Like that's how poor this town was I'm like, well, how are they gonna find the club? I don't know. She's like, I'm sorry Shelly, but they need the sign outside You know on stage like 10 No, she's like, I'm sorry, Shelly, but they need a sign outside, you know? No idea. On stage, like 10, nine, eight, like how did I not just hang myself? Like that's when, like how did I not just walk into the ocean and drown?

It's so tough. You and I, well. And the crazy thing is that as a comic, you wanna do comedy, but this ain't what you signed up for. No. No one told me any of this, but this ain't what you signed up for. No. No one told me any of this. You're like, uh-uh. I didn't sign up for it.

I thought stardom was something different. Yeah. I thought that, you know. Stardom? Whatever the fuck it is, I don't know. Human decency. You know, a fuck, yeah, human decency. No, it's true.

There's none of it. No, I mean. I played in a laundry mat, you guys. People were doing their laundry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd done laundry mats. You had done your laundry mat, yeah. I thought long and short. And the name of the show didn't even have a ring to it.

It was like Suds and Laughs or something. And it was just like a few lonely people doing their laundry and me following them around the laundry mat, just bothering them with my dumb act. And then you go home after that and somehow I didn't kill myself. I don't know how.

Does anyone guess? I used to go home and that and somehow I didn't kill myself. I don't know how. It's anyone's guess. I used to go home and cry and do coke. What the fuck am I doing with my life, man? I love when the door's on stage, so they have to come in through you. Oh God, that's the dumbest thing. That's always my favorite. I did a gig in Amsterdam where the guy,

they open up the show and they act like the guy could barely make it in, like he goes through the kitchen like, oh, he's like scared on stage, the show and they act like the guy could barely make it in like he goes through the kitchen like he's like scanning on stage looking at his watch like hey yeah yeah and then they bring me on stage i actually had a pretty good set in Amsterdam the next comic goes up after me he was bombing so bad but we were dying laughing because it could have been me it was just like a border thing you know they he was bombing so bad they didn't have anything to cut to. They just cut to some fucking Austrian bitch drinking an empty glass. Oh, they were filming it. Oh no.

She was just like, ah. Yeah, I mean, you know, but I was, there was many moments on stage where I was just like, I wish, but I had no backup plan. That was the thing with me. Me neither. Yeah. I've no, I said to myself, if this fails, I'm just gonna kill people and sell drugs until, there was a club in New York, the old triple in.

Do you remember that? I do. The open mic started at 11. I was in there one night with a suit on, thinking, you know, I'm like a fucking idiot. Like, I'm gonna make it. I'm in New York City and I'm doing comedy for nine people, but I see the chick's hand going up and down.

It was a client. She was giving them a hand job with the old triple N. Like, she met a homeless girl outside. Are you serious? Yeah, and I'm like. Oh my God. But then two nights later, I saw Leguizama go up there, and he treated it like it was Madison Square Garden. Yes.

And that was when I learned, oh. You know, it's just a set, guys. But once you see a girl giving a handjob, you're like, I'm not going to... This is not what Lenny Bruce talked about in his book. Lenny Bruce did not talk about this in his book. Nobody does. We forget, but then when people bring it up, that handjob... But I will say, like, at least with you guys you guys like you go off stage and you as comedians on the road you get laid Like do you know what it is to be a female comic on the road?

Like you're just your you might die somebody could kill you the club a lot of times tells your they they think it's like a good Thing to tell the audience where you're staying. They're like, and all our comics stay at the holiday. And it's great for the guys. They're like, here's where you can come blow me up to the show. For us, I'm like, oh, yes, stop by and make a suit out of my skin after my fucking 10 o'clock show. And I'm already going to kill myself. I'm in Idaho. Yeah. Like, so I do feel like there's another level of like active danger.

But I do. You know, you have, I guess it was some combination of not having any other skills for me. And also just like, you know, I loved, I loved the high. I loved it. Yeah. There was no backup plan. And you know, when you say that it's easier for comics, they go home. Yeah, we fuck girls, but those girls are a nightmare. Right. Okay. Yeah. Why was that the moment? Are you? No, because they are. I think about it now.

Were you thinking about some old lay you had 20 years ago? No, I think about it now. All those girls were mentally challenged or something. Because they would come to a show ready to fuck the comics. Right. Again, you're in small towns. The opposite happens to us. Like guys will come up to me after show and like give me a pound.

They'd be like, good shit. Like they talk to you like you're a man or something. You know, like not that I would have wanted to hook up with a stranger. I was, you know, but it just like to have somebody like, oh, maybe they'll ask me on a date or something. I was gonna ask the comic. Yeah, this doesn't happen. Yeah, you're just throbbingly lonely. She can be really hot and they'll stay away from her.

Never, ever, ever. And they just assume things in their mind. They'll assume that she's married or whatever, but don't think it's a fucking, I have a thousand stories about those crazy women. Really? That came into your room and you're like, why did I let them in my room?

Yeah. Why? Now I wish they could fucking just leave, you know? And then they don't leave. So you've had to, yeah. You just learn and you're like, that's it. Nobody else should come into my room no more. I'm going outside and gonna blow job

or in the weeds or something like that. I remember, I think Jimmy once, Jim Florentine, we were talking about him before. I can't remember if it was on this now because now at this point I'm kind of drunk. But Jimmy would help me when I first started. And I remember sometimes like he would do a thing. I think it was that when he was trying to get laid,

he would take all the, oh, that's what he would do. He would take all the furniture out of his hotel room and put it in his features room so there was nowhere else for the girl to sit but the bed. You imagine Jimmy just moving a coffee table down the hall at some La Quinta just so that he... You do some creepy fucking things out there though. Yeah.

No, it's weird on the road. I will say that. I hope nobody ever... And you know what? Nobody's ever... Even today, I'm like, that chick from fucking Beaumont, Texas, better not call now and say she remembers what happened, but none of them. They just went blind.

No pop-up kids, no surprise kids. Nothing. It's just the weirdest thing that, I learned so many things about women at the comedy store. Like, a woman on a fucking date would come and then blow a comic in the bathroom while she was on a date and go back to the table. Like, nothing happened. God damn it. and then blow a comic in the bathroom while she was on a date and go back to the table like

Nothing happened. God damn it. He probably was a hack too. If I could I'd be the Robin Hood a pussy and take it away from some of these hacks and give it to the Give it to the good writers Probably was a yeah, it's a really weird. Listen, you've got to be crazy to do stand up. You have to be insane. Obviously I'm unwell. But also I also feel like a lot of times like I would be opening for a guy. I don't know if you ever had this experience or like I some guy would be featuring and I would be like the guy would be the biggest hack but then he'd be the loveliest nicest person you've ever met in your life.

So you do meet these people that are just mentions they've been on the road forever. I remember I had like I was like selling my album after my show and this guy was opening for me and he was selling stickers that said Beaver Hunter Catch and Release program. And let me tell you, they were like flying off like hotcakes. Like he sold every last sticker, you know. Well, that's what they're there for. Like they'll talk, because I'm featuring right now.

That's what I do. And they'll talk, they'll be like, oh, I've sold out of every shirt and they made $1,600 in shirts and they do. That's gross. I wouldn't want to have to do that joke to sell that shirt. And sometimes it'll be the sweetest guy too. Like, you know, he just, he,

and you could see the fatigue in his eyes when he was saying it. He's like, I'm a paper hunter, catch and release program. Come on ladies, just $5. And just at the end, you could just see like, again, like he was just going to go back to his room and like do a line and finalize his divorce. Like he was just trying to make money, you know?

Like. I loved the road. I loved the road. And then it just, once I stopped doing drugs, I'm like, I don't want to go on the road no more. Because I would go on the road to do drugs for my wife wouldn't know. And I was like, fuck it. Once I got cleaned, I'm like, I don't want to go on the road no more. What was, I don't know if you've covered this story or if you don't want to talk about it, but what was the, what was like the last thing where you were like, I can't do drugs anymore? Like, what was the thing where you stopped?

Listen, I was trying to quit for like three fucking years, you know, because I knew I was going into the major leagues. You know, you're going into the major leagues. You can't bring this shit into you when you're in the fucking major leagues. I did that movie for Adam and I really got motivated to quit. And then it was just a thing that happened three days. My friend got cancer. And she was in the hospital for a long time.

Real dirty comic. Comedy store regular, Mitzi loved her. And I went to see her in the house. And she was talking to me and she goes, you know, God wants me to not do dirty jokes no more. She goes, if I live from this, I'm never gonna do a dirty joke again. In the middle of all that, she stopped and she goes,

you gotta stop doing coke. And the way she looked at me, she was dying. I knew she was like a week or two away from dying, but how she looked at me, like, you gotta stop doing coke. And I was like, I thought about it. And then I had something here. I had the whole weekend here and they put me up at the...

No, what's the fucking hotel off the three where they sell Howard Johnson, where they sell salt water taffy and all that shit. I don't know if it's still there. This is about yeah, this is 2007 when this happened and I remember like being excited to come here and I bought coke that Friday Mm-hmm, I went back to the room. I'm like, you know what? I'm under the mood to do this and the next day I got the call. She died. Oh My god, I'm really not doing this package food mood to do this. And the next day I got the call, she died. Oh my God. I'm like, I'm really not doing this package.

So it was like, I went back to LA and they had a thing for her at the comedy store, like that Tuesday. And I went and it was LA. So even people who didn't like her were there like, you know, eating the food. Sure, of course, yeah. I saw this one motherfucking producer that I knew she had problems with.

And he's back there eating the food, you know, like nothing. And I said, and I had coke in my pocket. I'm like, I'm not going to go through this without doing coke. And then I got on stage and I was doing some material and I just stopped. I go, you fucking cocksucker. How dare you come to her fucking wake? You used to talk shit about it. He's like, I go, you fucking cocksucker. How dare you come to her fucking wake? You used to talk shit about it. He's like, I go, you're not even funny.

You're not even a fucking comedian. He's like, I put, his name was Jeff Valdez. And he was half Jewish, half Mexican. And that was his fucking act. He'd come out with a hat on. With fucking like, he put like jingles on a yarmulke and played a guitar with it. You're a fucking comic, motherfucker. Why does he have to?

You're a fucking comic motherfucker. And he goes, my name is on the wall. And I'm like, that's some sucking dick. His wife was there. Everybody was. I just, I don't like that shit. You don't like somebody in real life. I'm paying my respect.

You don't need to pay your respect. You didn't like him. Get the fuck out of here, you fake fuck. I just drilled into this motherfucker. And I just said, listen, I'm going to wrap this up in five minutes. When I get off the stage, if you're still here, I'm gonna fuck you motherfuckers up. And this motherfucker yells, but my attorney's here. I'll fuck him up too. When I put that mic down, I had 20 comics on me like Joey don't even. He left. They had to leave. And I remember that night I didn't do the

coke. I was like, fuck. Then that week, my wife brought two kittens upstairs. And they were gonna die. They had anemia or whatever the fucking was. And I liked the one, but I didn't like the other motherfucker. The one kitten I didn't like, I'm like, die. But the other one I was sad about,

like he was gonna die. And I kept feeding them oatmeal and shit. And I went to bed that night, I was doing doing coke and I went to bed that night and my wife woke me up at 4 and she goes, DJ died and I was like close the door and I go you know what this other cat can't die and I ran to him I got on my knees and I go God if you save this motherfucker I'll never do coke again trust me I was like yahoo I had on my knees and I go, God, if you save this motherfucker, I'll never do coke again. Trust me, I was like, yeah, I had my fingers crossed, you know what I'm saying?

Behind me, cease fire, yeah, sure. I got these motherfuckers. That cat lived. I never did coke again because I made a promise. That's incredible. And it was a promise to God. It was a promise to me as a man that I had to do that. It was time, like God. It was a promise to me as a man that I had to do that. It was time. It was just time.

And I tell people all the time, I did so much. I did more in 18 years than I did in my whole life. I couldn't imagine if I wouldn't have done coke all my life, how much more I would have done. Do you think you would be alive today if you kept going or no? No. I was ready to die. No way.

Right. Because I was already getting jolts on my back. Yeah, I could feel them jolting on my neck and stuff. I knew and again I didn't want my wife to find me on the floor. Yeah, there's some people who cut out for that They find you they call the ambulance and they move on with their lives. I knew she couldn't handle it I knew that if she woke up and saw my little fat feet Yeah, she wouldn't have made it that would have been rough for us. I was like, I'm saving her life. I'm, you know, saving my own. And that cat lived.

And I got a fucking chain of that cat in my car. That's such a beautiful thing. I got a pillow somebody made me from that cat. And I bet you anything, you know, you telling that story will really, really help somebody. You never know who your story is going to help. It's... Listen, man, we make... I gonna help it's a powerful story I was looking at 48 years and that wouldn't stop me from snorting coke I would take furloughs to get an ounce of coke knowing they were

gonna test me on Monday and then I have to drink vinegar yeah I'm fucking put dreidel on my dick, you know, to fall into the fistass heart. Please, you have no idea. So it was just over. Like one day it just says, you know, one day you're like, I took this to the play. Yeah. And it wasn't a readout. It wasn't God. It wasn't anything. At one point in your life as a man, as a woman, you got to go, this is over today. Yeah, it's over. It's a wrap today.

There's no coming back. There's no, uh, no, I relapse. No, there's nothing. You're a fucking man, bitch. You know, and now you got these people. I'm clean for 90 days, drinking water. I'll smack you. You weren't even supposed to do drugs. Yeah.

Why are you so fucking proud of yourself, Lee? You all right? I'm fine. I'm fine. Lee is, does not know where he is right now. I've been here the whole time. Every hour it's almost jarring, because I'm like, oh wait, he is here, is he okay?

I'm fine. It's just really weird what you, the shit you gotta put up with people now, the stories and the fucking, and you're like, it's that easy, either you want it or you don't bitch Yeah, what you're gonna be what you're gonna be Yeah, it's that easy but people

You know want to do new nine rehabs if you're not ready to stop You're not gonna stop Yeah, look at these idiots go to jail and what happened in jail they all get the Bible Oh the Lord fucking two feet off that get the Bible. Oh, the Lord. Fucking two feet off that fence. That Bible goes up in the air. Once their homies come to pick them up and they smell the blood.

At the end of the day, you're ready or you're not. Get the fuck out of here. Whether it's your dreidel dick theory or a fun loving kitten, you're gonna fucking be ready when you're ready. No, it's true. I feel like sometimes just something, but also I feel like that lady,

you loved her and she changed the course of your life and you knew that she really loved you. I do think that kind of, you know, look, don't play soft piano music under my monologue, but I know nothing. But I'm just saying, like, I do feel like sometimes that kind of drug use, and I say this as somebody who has loved alcoholics my whole life. I do feel like it comes from a sense of, you know, self-loathing. And if you know somebody loves you, and if you really see it, it can change the course of your life. Just really believing them in that moment. You know, it's like when you have that fucking peanut butter, the jar won't open, you give it to your uncle,

he's got mussels, steroid, Louie, but then your grandma comes along and looks. It just takes that one. It takes like that one person. Maybe she, I don't know, it was just weird the way she said it to me. She said, God wants you to stop smoking coke. She like stopped her conversation and she looked at me, she goes, God wants you to stop doing coke. And I was like, fuck. Okay, good luck. But there's also who she was. She was very close to you. You know, you knew she was about to pass on. She used to hold a Coke for me. Right.

When I was selling Coke at the comedy store, I would give it to her at night to hold, to her and her husband. And then I would go over the next day and get it on. Right. I would go knock on that door at five. I need that shit. Yeah.

But she had that insight probably towards the end of her life. Her husband was a gang leader. Her husband was a Crip. She was Mexican. Her husband was black as can be, tough as a nail Crip. A cook is, yeah I mean like. He ran his own set and one day he comes up to me at the comedy and he says like, can I talk to you brother?

I gave him, man, I gotta get in on this Adam Sandler movie. That's my favorite motherfucking the world. I'm like, you're a crip. You're like Adam Sandler's dog. I'll kill for Adam Sandler. So I had to bring him on the show. I told everybody he's my probation officer. And Burt Reynolds got ahold of him for like eight hours. He's like, I became friends with Burt Reynolds. I got his motherfucking number and shit. That's amazing. Yeah, I like that. I got my probation officer once come to me.

Like, we didn't even know you're on probation. Yeah, I got problems, Adam. I do feel like Coke also, like I did Coke for a few times when I was like in my early twenties. I loved it. I don't really have as much an addictive personality really. But I was like, even I knew I was like, this is delightful. Like, you know when you find your drug, I was like, this is my drug.

But I'm so vain that I look like shit the next day. Like, you look jacked up. I wouldn't look in the mirror. No, it was mangling me. Yeah. I would look in the mirror. Yeah. And I was like, these are, I'm 20.

Like, I can't do this to myself. I was like 20, 21. Yeah. And I was like, these are I'm 20 like I can't do this to myself. I was like 20, 21. Yeah. And I stopped. But also I feel like people lie and coke to such a degree that it's like that that is one thing that helped me to decide that I wasn't going to do it again was just like watching other people on blow because nothing makes you look more ludicrous than when you're not on blow talking to somebody who is.

I remember I was dating this guy and just he's like, I'm not doing it. I know you want to fight right now, but I'm not on blow talking to somebody who is. I remember I was dating this guy and just, he's like, I'm not doing it. I know you want to fight right now, but I'm not on anything. He was just like a wild alcoholic. I'm like, just blow all over your nose. He was like, I'm not doing, not taking the bait. I know you'd like to pretend I'm high right now, but I'm not. Yeah, he was fucked up out of his mind, just drunk and high.

And then he just sort of slowly fell into the carpet, like right after he said that. He was like, I'm not doing it, bitch. You want to fight with me? You can go and fight, but I don't get high. And then just about the road, you meet those coke fiends on the road. You can put coke in their asshole and that pussy on their titties. You know, I didn't have that shared experience.

I didn't put as much. I never put titties coke on no titties.ies. Yeah, you put some ice cubes in there. You put a fucking ice cube or you put those rock candies. You know what I love is that you respected me enough to think that I might have had that story. Like I'm like, oh yeah, the good old days when I was headlining and fucking smothered some bitches' cans with blow. I wasn't even headlining.

I was featuring for Joe. Really? All those motherfuckers was going, what happened to Joey Diaz? That's why Joe called me to the breeze. No goodbye, no nothing. I would go right to the office, give me an advance. We gotta check with Joe, listen, give me the fucking advance. Just give me the fucking hundred.

I would take the hundred dollar bill and I would buy a coat. Could you find it anywhere? Yeah, the waiter. The waiter, I guess everybody has it. Yeah. And what would they tell me? Like, stay away from that girl. That's the girl.

That's the girl, right. Right. You bring home, and she does two bumps, and she's like on the chair. You're like, oh my god. She's crying in the fucking chair on blow. You could do it. I could light candles in her asshole.

I think this is going to be great. And then I would just go to Miami. Right. I would go to that improv down there in Coconut Grove. And they booked the features for two weeks in a row. I would leave there, fuck it. Would you have any money left? Would you be able to just blow it out?

Once you started, you didn't stop. I would leave Miami, owing them 250 for the next time. And then I just finally got, I got the owner's credit card. All right, I got the manager, General Manager Joe's dog. These motherfuckers forget I'm from New York City. I got his, he gave it to me once.

I said, I'm going to Montreal. And he just took his American Express card, the Improv, and put it on the table. I was like, yeah, just tell him, you can pay me out of your check. Shit. I was booking flights everywhere on that fucking credit card. Oh my God.

For like a year, I was booking flights on that bitch. And then Joel. You know Joel, the guy from fucking Tempe? Like, I don't know if you ever met him. No. He's the owner. He's one of the owners. I knew, I was there the first night he got on. December like 30th, 1999, 98.

He was just a fucking assistant manager. And he was so green that he would turn and count the money at the end of the night. But this way, and he would look at the safe. I would go in there and take a hundred right off the top, right in front of him. He'd go, Joe, let me get another hundred in advance. What are you talking about? Give me another hundred.

He's like, you don't have no money. Go, call fucking Joe, because Joe was the boss there. Wow. Call Joe and wake him up. I got whatever I fucking wanted. He didn't even know I already had a hundred that I stole from him, from top of the thing.

That's where the bus boys robbed the safe. This is wild. They took $19,000 on a Friday night. from top of the thing. That's where the Butch Boys robbed the safe. This is wild. They took $19,000 on a Friday night. Dog, Miami Improv. That's why they made my check now. What is this shit? Were you on the road with him during these days?

No, I don't have hair. I'm 36, which is terrifying. But no, I swear to God. Wow, that's insane. And did they just, just that like, stealing from the safe of the owner, like that is like, like that's insane. What's that? And did they just, just that like, like stealing from the safe of the owner, like that is like, like that's wild. If you're that stupid, I gotta rob you.

Yeah. If you're going to leave money out and look somewhere else at the TV show, I'm going to rob you. I'm that stupid. And I'll take like just 100. I'm not greedy. I'm like, I'm so ABG. I'm like a perfect person to steal from.

I'm shedding debit cards every, I was like some dumb sack that's wide open like a fool. I was buck wild on the road. Yeah. I wasn't making any money, so. Yeah, so you had to. I used to go on the K-Mart. I'd be on the road driving, I'd go on the K-Mart

and take something expensive and walk around, I wouldn't even walk out. I'd walk around into the counter. My aunt gave me this coffee maker. I already have it. Really? All right, let's switch it. Do you have a receipt? No me this coffee maker. I already have it. Really? All right, let's return it. Do you have a receipt?

No, I lost it. It was a holiday. Do you want check or cash? That's a tough one. Right, right. You don't want fucking cash. Give me the cash. Then they give you the tax, the plus tax.

So you were even getting the tax back. No fucking idea. Did you ever feel like, were you ever afraid? Like it seems like you never were. You would get caught. Who taught you? Jersey. Jersey just beat growing up in Jersey. That's the thing. Yeah. It's like I grew up in Bethesda, Maryland. Like, yeah, the most like naughty thing we did was like steal stickers from like the mall or

something. Yeah. You just get better at it. Like you know the fucking body moves and the body language of people and they don't, you know, they have no fucking idea. Yeah. But I know we said if you're going to let me rob you, I'm going to rob you even if I'm a Catholic. Just to show you that you're a dumb fuck.

Can somebody knit that for me, please? I'd like that on a sampler. If you're going to rob me, I'm going to fucking rob you. Like that. Also, you have to know, you have to be ready at any moment. Doesn't that make you anxious when you're robbing people like that? Like, aren't you always thinking you're about to get clocked? Like, do you have to sit in a diner like next to the wall or something? Does anybody know what I'm trying to say right now?

Can you help me? Like, you know, you have to sit by a wall because you know, somebody always wants to. I don't think you'd stick around for that long. Look, I charged the guy $2,000 to join the mafia in Colorado. I brought him an application, okay? If you're that stupid and he gave it and you know, he still calls me. I never heard from those people. You understand what I'm trying to say to you Doug?

I'm an old school fucking thief. How did he say that he wanted to join? How did that conversation? You have no idea. Don't even start. We could sit here for days, not even hours. That'd be amazing if he was like in like, he was in a pancake house applying to be the general manager and he's like, I got a better offer for you kid.

I still remember casting directors asking me if I could buy them a pound of weed. Oh my God. When I was with a certain agency and they're like, this casting director, and I would get her a pound of weed and then I would take like half out and do the bolder trick. I would spray it with a bottle so it's going to be heavier. Oh my God. So she would weigh it and go, next day you take that home and that weed is dry. That motherfucker's half gone and she'll call me me back I don't know what happened. Oh

Yeah, we're fucking and then I just got to the point if you didn't If you didn't give it to me, I was gonna take it And that's when you're complete but I had no parents. I had nobody to say I'm ashamed of you for being in jail I was like fuck it. Let's have some fun If you're gonna did you change did you change like once you stopped doing blow, did you change like the way you operated everywhere? And did you tell people? Because I would imagine if you go back to these places,

they're like, oh, there's crazy Joey Diaz. I can go, you know, do lines with him. Like, did you tell people that you weren't doing it? Or how did you stop yourself from the temptation? I stopped the criminal activity when I met my wife. The only thing I did when I met my wife was I always had to rob a lighter from 7-Eleven. That's just as old. If you're going to put the lighters right there, I'm going to rob you. That kept my powder dry for years, just stealing those lighters.

Every once in a while, you know, I did something like on a movie set, I'd go up and take the roller skates from the first movie I was on. I'd start stealing roller skates from the first movie I was on. I just started stealing roller skates. But at the end of the movie, there wasn't roller skate over size eight. Everybody was walking around with ingrown toenails. Baseball. That was my first movie. Really? I didn't give a fuck. But how did you stop?

Like, how did you have a time where you like comedy? Comedy. Yeah, comedy. And then there was times I to pull up to the comedy. And once you knew you just knew you hit the end of the road, so then there wasn't really a like as powerful a temptation because you're like, I've done that. I've done every possible. I see people do it all the time.

Yeah, they get help. They get steady six months and then they do something that's so stupid. Mm hmm. It doesn't even make sense. And I remember still pull up to the comedy store in 97, flat broke, living with a stripper, fucking. And I'll never forget, because the checks came out at like four.

We were gonna go up there early and work and come on, you gotta give me the check. It's like a $130 check. That's how poor we were. But I still remember going up there on a Friday and seeing like three bottles of Jack Daniels for the weekend and whiskey and eight cases of beer. And I could have took those motherfuckers, you know,

a case of Jack Daniels, you're not gonna hold that for a long time. That's gonna go, you know? And I remember going like, if I even fuck around up here, it's gonna ruin my fucking comedy career. Right. And that's the old saying,

don't let your character ruin your destiny. That's a beautiful saying. I never heard that. It's very simple. If you like to suck dick, don't mix it in with what you love. And that was my problem. And then I just kept it a coke.

And I kept it on my own. And I never did it with people. I would do one line at the comedy store and leave just to get the little fucking wing going. Today I was thinking about that. I would go to my, towards the end, because we were talking about how high my tolerance is. Yeah.

When I quit coke, I would go there by half an eight ball, 125 at about midnight. Wow. And I couldn't wait to get to the light. Because at the light, I'd snort fucking half of it. That's a half an eight ball. The whole thing. And by the time I got to my garage and got upstairs, I was a little high. And then I had to get another half a ball. But I could snort a half a ball in one shot.

Yeah. And that's pretty fucking sad. Yeah. That's pretty fucking sad. Yeah. That's pretty fucking sad. Right. So I just didn't want to mix. My personal life with the comedy store. And it was it worked. You know, it fucking worked. Yeah, we did stupid shit up there, but not enough to ruin my career.

I never got banned. I never got banned out of that. You get what they used to call that bands bands Yeah, nobody ever said they wouldn't have you back even after you robbed their safe. That's when you got a good personality I gotta say you know what's crazy. Rogan was banned really After the car was me see a thing Eddie Griffin was banned a lot of people she would bang for a while, and then you worked yourself back in. But she used to come up to me,

don't take it, get out no more. You know, in the beginning. Don't take it out, it scares people. Never fucking. The fact that she just had to be a say that again and again, just exhausted this poor woman. She's like, for the love of God. She was great to me, Like she knew who I was.

Like the second night I was a regular, I threw fists up there and she loved it. And did you have other people that were like after that, your friend that, that, that passed that cared that much to say that to you, did you have other mentors do you feel like after that or just people that kind of helped you to stay clean and not to go back to that life? Fuck no! Okay. Because they don't listen.

They don't give a fuck. You know, they don't care. Like I just went to, I was telling my nephew this year, this last New Year's was the first time I saw somebody snorting coke in maybe 15 years. Like I never saw that. And not one urge that I have to do it. Mm-hmm. Like I just I Did not I? Just knew it was not for me anymore. I know

Because who I am but if I ever did a line again, I'd be dead the next day Yeah, cuz I made a promise Yeah, I made a promise to myself which is better better than anybody else you can make a promise to. Yeah. So I know for a fact, if I did just a little bit, my life would go to being crazy. Daughter would disappear. The money would disappear. Everything.

My wife would disappear. Podcasts would disappear. You know, everything would disappear. So I always knew that. Even if I didn't smooth it ever again, just breaking my fucking word as a man at that point, I would have been done. Yeah, I bet it has helped other people. I love robbing people.

I would love to go into a fucking, you know, these little young faggots now that are selling meth and all this shit. What are they selling? Fuck, only you can you can say the most beautiful thing and then you fucking walk in there with three gorillas, kick that door down, shoot up watching Pete themselves. Get up against the wall, suck my dicks. Ha, ha, yeah. It's hysterical, because that's what we did in the 80s.

Nobody was ready for cocaine. Nobody was ready. So after all the gangsters started doing it, when I came back in 84 from Colorado, all these people that were like decent people were doing it. They didn't know that side of the business. Right. They were like, this is great selling coke, bitch.

And then we got motherfuckers from North Bergen who kick your fucking door down and take it from you. And that's when it, because we, they were suckers. Right, right. They never been in this business. They didn't know anything about it. Yeah. They just saw people singing and dancing and getting their dicks sucked. But they never thought about the big bad wolf. about it. Yeah. They just saw people singing and dancing and getting their dicks sucked, but they never thought about the big bad wolf.

They never thought about the big bad wolf. And it was crazy. I had a protector when I lived in New Jersey all those years. I had two protectors. I had a cop and I had a buddy of mine, Mike Runny. He was off the fucking chain crazy. My friend's has to call me to the side and go, I'm gonna fuck it, don't pay for cigarettes. He just walks by on the counter and takes them. He was a crazy dude growing up.

I saw him do some crazy fucking things. When I left here, I was like, what am I gonna do without my protector? And I had to become him. The only way I could survive was by becoming him. And he was off the chain. Like he didn't even let you put your hands up. You had something in your head before you even opened

your fucking mouth. And that's what got me in trouble all the time. We're from Jersey, we're from the New York area. We ain't got time for this. And then you smack him and what do they say? I'm calling the police. He was just talking all this WAPO shit. What police?

What police? I've been assaulted. What do you think was going to happen? You just called the motherfucker motherfucker and you thought he was one of your white buddies from fucking, you know, church, you know. Oh, you're a motherfucker too. No! You're gonna get knocked in the fucking head.

That's what, listen, watch. There's nothing funnier than someone that doesn't expect to be punched. Watch what happens in today's world. Yeah. These YouTubers, they think it's cute coming up to you and saying, oh, ain't you a fine thing, you're fat.

How about I smack you in the fucking mouth? Let's see how fucking fat you are, motherfucker. And that's what I shoot you. And that's what I shoot you? They call him 911. They call him their attorney. Wait you guys, am I fat and I didn't know? No! That's all I took from that.

No, I do read, you can't read the comments. I read the comments and I try myself crazy. That didn't slide when we were kids. That didn't slide at all. It just didn't fly. Like, if somebody said, fuck you, Spitz, okay, we're out of here. And that dude would not say it.

I'm gonna come call the police. You know, that wouldn't happen. You just said that. You knew what to expect. You know, if you didn't, you're a fucking idiot, but you're gonna get hit. And that's what today's society doesn't see. Yeah.

Everybody's a tough guy with the tattoos. Everybody gets a tattoo, and they're a tough guy. Bro. Right. Knock it the fuck off. When I was growing up, you had to do 20 years to get a tattoo, or be in the Navy and shoot a jab. You had to do something. You had to do something.

Okay, you had to do something. These women with the tattoo, you had to suck a thousand dicks when I was a kid, and get raped at a biker rally. And if you lived, you got a tattoo of a heart on your fucking foot. You know what I'm saying? If you lived, if the sperm didn't kill you,

now you got all these women with a gun, what the fuck? Yeah. No, I mean, I... I don't care. Look at me acting like I have any point of reference for this. I don't care. I don't care. Okay, I don't care no more. You gotta say the truth. If not, it's the truth.

When I hear these tales, I'm so surprised somebody hasn't punched me in the face. Like, I'm just like, I guess because I have a mouth on me, but I've never been. I haven't been tuned up yet. Never say never. No, but I think I do think also it's just because I grew up like, yeah, I mean, the worst thing that could happen to you was like, yeah, you would get kicked out of like Hebrew school or something. I mean, I didn't I didn't come from a tough line of men either.

Like I come from, you know, like lawyers that can't process dairy. Yeah, like that's like the worst. Yeah, that's what I come from. Yeah, I went back the two egg yolks. Nobody has tough stories in my path. When we were eating two egg yolks, nobody was allergic to fucking peanuts. All these little... My daughter made the best fucking brownies this week. She put walnuts in them. I'm like, thank you for putting the walnuts in them.

She goes, you know, all these little fags. Even my daughter feels that way. Well, if you're a little girl, she tells me shit sometimes and I'm like, okay, I'm not fucking crazy. Right. You know, because it's the truth. Ever since we started in egg whites, kids started, I'm allergic to walnuts.

I'm allergic to raisins. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking, can you tell? An Irish motherfucker with nine kids, the father's a fireman, you're gonna come home and tell him, I'm a lady with a peanut butter, I can't eat that,

you motherfucker, I'm saving cats off a tree. You better eat the fucking peanut butter. I don't give a fuck if you go into fucking asbedics, fall from the mouse, I don't give a fuck. You're eating that peanut butter. But now the parents play along, like oh yeah, he's allergic to Cifra. No, Pete is, he's like the opposite. No, no, no, I play along like, oh yeah, he's allergic to Sita. No, Pete is, he's like the opposite.

No, no, no, I'm saying like, women, I'm allergic to lobster, well, you better suck a good dick. You know what I'm saying? You're allergic to lobster. The fuck is wrong with you? You're a woman, you gotta eat lobster. That comes with lobster sperm sperm, balls and fucking

and banana pudding. I don't fuck. Yeah, he doesn't remember when Frankie Frankie was. My daughter was like six months, but he's the opposite. I feel like firemen are way the opposite where they don't give a shit about anything. You have to be on fire for them to give a flying fuck. But like, yeah, I was like, she can't eat carrots yet. You know, like she was trying to give her a carrot. She's like six months. I'm like, she can't eat that.

He's like, I wouldn't worry about it. I know infant CPR. I'm like, you're not supposed to test it out on your own kid. He's like, hey, don't sweat it, sugar. I know infant CPR. Like, how about just don't feed her carrots? Yeah. But no, I mean, I didn't, I didn't,

these stories are fascinating to me. I literally have no point of reference. Like I'm like, also I played some of these clubs. I'm like, this was going on? Well, I had no idea. I thought the biggest scandal was whether they didn't fucking, that they didn't give me my bonus on the late show. You know, like I had no idea this was happening.'m in Kansas City. You remember the owner of the wig?

I heard about this Kansas City one. Yes, the steam would break the wig the glue keep me all coked out Also, I think I came in a little after like people were doing this level of blow That was 2003 the first time I did it was like 2001 that fucking guy Roger Paul booked me Oh, yeah, and he made Roger Paul, booked me in that. Oh yeah. And he made a comeback to call me in 2000. I was shooting SUV and he goes, can you do the club? I can't do Tuesday, Wednesday.

Okay, let me tell you something. I get to the fucking airport. The plane lands like at 10.30. And I'm waiting and all of a sudden I'm looking at the wall and there's a cop. And I'm like, fuck, what do I do now? I don't know, you know? And I look and the club manager running,

he's like, you got your license handy? I go, yeah, he goes, you're gonna tell him that you're driving, because I'm too fucked up. And I'm like, what? All right, and I get the luggage and we walk out and he's like, he's driving? Okay. And all of a sudden,

I'm having this creepy girlfriend get in the back and they start snorting coke. And I'm like, I hope you could save me some and the guy's like, no, we're gonna do it all. And I go, I'll stop this fucking car and get that fucking cop. Don't play with me, it's 9.45 at night bitch. Okay, we just found the gram, my fucking,

fucking, oh some of these clubs are fucking, you know, they were hysterical, hysterical. Yeah. That's a complete different podcast because you're still on the road. I don't want you to get tortured. I don't want you to get fucking. There was Club Madness in the old fucking comics. Oh yeah, there is a lot of it.

I was an agent at Gersh when I was coming up. There was an agent, real good looking to the waist down. She was one of those flubby ladies that, I don't know, she never did yank. I was like, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym.

I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. Iersh when I was coming up. There was an agent, real good looking to the waist down. She was one of those flubby ladies that, I don't know, she never did yoga, nothing like harassing them. She was banging all the black acts. Right. She'd bang so many of them, they moved her into literary.

They moved her into literary is amazing. Like that would be the logical back- Yeah, they moved Black Wolf's, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't fucking know why they moved her to the literary. Oh my god. So, yeah, I mean like I- You have no fucking idea. This is the craziest world. I had no idea any of this was going on. All I know is Joey's a bad boy. And I'm never going to this part of Jersey again.

I'm terrified. I'm lucky I didn't get mugged by a bunch of hoodlums. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean, I didn't, yeah, like I said, I've been litigated. I'm sweating like a faggot eating a corn dog in this motherfucker. You're right next to a heater.

Turn this fucking heat off. Can we take a quick break? No, we're taking a quick break. Rachel. Yes. Where's your dates? I don't know if I'm going on the road ever again. It's not safe out there. I think I'm a secretary now, bitch. No, I'm I'm on the road. Where am I?

I'm going to be in Chicago and a bunch of other cities. San Diego, L.A. and Texas. This week next week, I'll be in Texas. You can go to Rachel dash Feinstein dot com or go to Punch Up Live and you can look my name up and also watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy and it's streaming right now. I learned so much today, Joseph. God, he's scary out there. Next time we break down more shit, I'm going to tell you about the Pop Rocks. You put them

in your pussy and they go pop pop pop pop pop. That's a party too. My grandma told me about that. She's like, wait, Pop Rocks on the pussy there is nothing like it. It's my favorite thing to do during Hanukkah. A little dreidel and some pussy pop rocks. It's a perfect cocktail. Oh my God, and when they put it on your dick and suck it, it's like the 4th of July. It's poppin', they don't know what the fuck to do. Fuck the off-eat-wagon.

They're like, Fuego, Fuego! Oh my God. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. Have a great week, I got no fuckin' dates, oh yeah, I do. I got a... You got Yeah, I do. I got a You got fucking Moontower. Yeah, Moontower the second show. There's still tickets. I don't know what's going on in Jersey They say it's sold out, but it's a bunch of people. I don't know. I don't even know who gives a fuck

Oh May 17th, they Parks parks casino, Philadelphia. I know they still got tickets. I never even announced it. How fucking crazy am I? I've been in the hospital and shit. I have problems guys. So What's up, Joyce? Not a fucking peep tonight. Good. No cafe, Tivoli, nothing. Alright. We'll be back next week with another fun-filled episode and we'll have Rachel back to explain all that other shit to her. Cause she's a nice girl. Love you, cocksuckers.

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