Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - ROAD RAGE WAS INVENTED IN NJ | #235 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT..... It’s Monday, March 20, 2023…  This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V., Stamps.com & BetterHelp… Liquid IV Support the show and get 20% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. STAMPS Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor  https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don’t forget... The Mind of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in Code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. Alright, what's happening you savage? It's Monday the 20th of March. The joint is brought to you by Uncle Joey's favorite, Liquid IV. Maybe you've forgotten about that New Year's resolution you made to prioritize your health, but I didn't.

Get back to it Tarzan with Liquid IV, the hydration brand that fuels your well-being. It's easy. You mix one stick of Liquid IV with 16 ounces of water and it hydrates you two times faster than water alone. Are you kidding me or what? With five essential vitamins, great flavors, and three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks, you'll be ready to crush your health loads. Goals, I'm sorry. Let me tell you something.

Liquid IV has some tremendous flavors. The strawberry, the tropical punch, the cherry, and the concord grape are my favorites. You understand me? They also have compucha, the sour apple. It'll knock your socks off. Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com. Use promo code Joey. Come on, I'm going to get you 20% off right now.

Anything you order, the better hydration today. Use promo code Joey at liquidiv.com. That's promo code Joey at liquidiv.com. The joint is also brought to you by Stamps.com. Listen, nobody got time to go to the post office. Print all your stamps you need at La Casa with Stamps.com. Get rates you can't find anywhere else, like 84% off UPS and USPS. They'll even send you a free scale.

Who does that? Nobody. So you'll have everything that you need to get to the post office and get your party started. I love Stamps.com. Why? We've been working with them for about 12 years now. Nothing but positive experiences. Stamps.com for over 25 years.

They've helped over a million businesses. I don't care if you have 2,000 employees or three employees. Stamps.com is going to change the way you do business. So set your business up for success when you get started with Stamps.com today, not tomorrow, today. Sign up with promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y for a special office that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone on the top of the page, and enter code Joey.

It's that easy. Let's get this party started, baby. It's Monday morning. We got shit to do and people to see. Come on in. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Who cares? Fucking YouTube is still going to take it down.

It's Monday the 20th. A beautiful fucking day to be alive. Spring has come. You know what I'm saying? Lee was saying to me, you know, it's spring. Aren't you excited? I go, yeah, I'm excited. Now it's hot out.

Now I get to stand outside with the beep I don't like. You know what I'm saying? It's the same fucking thing. Spring is great. I love it. It's going to rain a lot. It's been fucking cold in Jersey last couple of days. That's why I got the heavy.

Excuse me. I'm still burping up my little chocolate milkshake. My little protein shake made with water and fucking protein powder. Who the fuck? When did this become popular? I got to put like 20 ice cubes in my blender to give the fucking protein shake substance. Water with protein. I mean, listen, milk will fucking clog me up anyway.

I mean, I do like two protein shakes a week. I have this other recipe that I do it. Raspberry's coconut water and vanilla protein powder. I just can't find a vanilla protein powder. I think that's out of stock. The fucking COVID put it back and everybody's delayed. I don't know what the fuck. When I got here, it was always dead of vanilla protein powder now.

And it's a certain vanilla protein powder. Like protein powders taste like dick. Let's get that shit out of the way. There was one pot protein powder that I loved and that's on it. The original protein, the cacao shake protein they had was so fucking delicious. It was so fucking delicious. And then they switched over to the Mexican chocolate and that was good too. But I try, you know, when you go to a fucking vitamin place,

I try like the littlest container of the protein powder. I try like three of them. They taste like dick. See, when I was a kid, you had egg and milk protein that tasted like nothing. So when you made a shake, you just put two scoops of that in, a fucking some Haagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream in that motherfucker, and some wheat germ. Forget about it.

You fucking humming like a bird, cock-tuckers. People keep asking me why don't I run for fucking politics. And I'm like, you know what, I'm a felon. But then I'm like, wait, if fucking Santos could pull it off, I could definitely pull it off, guys. This fucking guy, I mean, you know, just to, I keep laughing at this shit that he fucking beat some guy out of dog money or some shit like this.

I've done a lot of creepy fucking things, but I'm gonna beat somebody out of fucking dog money. That's for goddamn sure. But it's a beautiful day. We got a great week coming up. We got a fucking arrest warrant for Putin. We got fucking Trumps going to jail tomorrow. There's gonna arrest warrant for him.

I mean, you know, I'm not even into politics, and I don't give a fuck, but I'm kind of jealous. Everybody's got an arrest warrant. Where's my warrant? Come on, I don't fucking get arrested. Last week, I almost got a fucking arrested. This is a great story for you guys, because people are losing their fucking minds, guys. I leave Jiu-Jitsu.

I'm behind my friend Ken Chan. We're both like, I'm right behind him. Maybe two car legs. I'm doing the speed limit, okay? There's a carvel on the corner in Old Bridge, off of 520. It's my favorite fucking carvel. It's a drive-through, and they've been there

since Jesus left Chicago. The woman who owns it, when she's working there in the daytime, that's the best fucking carvel, anything you'll ever get in your life. She's been working with them for years. Anyway, we're right there. I'm counting the numbers, 7, 6, 5, so I know I gotta beat this Jersey Yellow.

So I see Ken runs the Yellow as soon as it turns, so I got time, and I run the Yellow. Only I'm looking straight ahead, and as Ken runs the Yellow, a person is sitting there with their fucking Toyota, whatever the fuck it is, and waiting. Now this person could've waited till he gone, but no, he stepped on it.

He is she, God forbid, he's she. He stepped on it, cutting my friend off. Like my friend was just fucking beating a light, and you wanna pull out in front of him slowly, you dumb fuck. So now I see her, well him, go this way, and my friend Ken goes around. But now I'm stuck with her.

I've been fucking, you know, I'm busting through that light, and now I slow it down. She wasn't even doing 40, or 30. She kept it like that for five minutes, at like 20. And now the people behind me are beeping at me, and I'm like, what the fuck, it's not me, you know, I can't say anything. I'm just driving the fucking car,

and I'm like, what the fuck is this lady doing, or this man, whatever the fuck it is, cause he got tinted windows. So finally, you know, 20 miles of fucking hour, I'm doing 22 behind her. It's definitely a 35 or a fucking 40. After five minutes, I get fucking fed up with shit, I got shit to do, I gotta take a shit, I'm hungry,

I gotta meet somebody at three, I fucking gun that car, you know, it was legal to go around her. They had the one line, you know, I go around, I'm doing like fucking, I just, she had me pinned for so fucking long, that when I blew around, I just had to get the fuck out. I'm like, this lady, I'm gonna kill this dumb motherfucker.

So I pull around, and I just take the fuck off. Right, I take it, I get on the fucking nine, I'm about to hit the nine, and do you know, I look up at the rearview mirror, and here that car comes, with smoke coming out of it, it's doing like 100, you were doing 20, for fucking 10 minutes, now you wanna be fucking speed racer.

She pulls up next to me, it's a sheet, African American woman, cute as fuck. She pulls up, and she goes, excuse me, and she got a phone in the head, I taped you, and I called the police, I'm trying to drive my son, I'm doing the speed limit, and I was just looking at her like,

I'm not gonna say nothing, this ain't enough to say, and she goes, are you listening to me? I'm gonna call the police, and they're gonna arrest you for speeding by me, and you know, I got my son in the car, and I'm trying to be safe, she had Georgia plates, and I go, stop it right there, stop right there, so you're doing 20,

but then for the last half mile, you're doing 80 to catch up to me, get the fuck out of my face, the light turned green, I just went, when I was at the next light down, she comes around again with the cell phone, again like, you know, I'm like, call the police, call the police,

what do I, I mean, I didn't do nothing, first off guys, I got a zero points on my fucking license, and it's been like that for the last fucking 15 years, okay, I've got, you know, I got zero points on my license, I think the most points I've ever had at my license was two, in Colorado, because I ran a fuck, I was doing 40 and a 35,

one of those blinking lights with the fucking school zone, and I was fucking, another time I did something, oh, I was driving with a car, a was for sale signed car, one of those fucking dealer cars, and it had like 1998 clearance, you can't drive with ink on your fucking windshield, so they gave me a point for that,

that's the most I've ever fucking had, so I obey the fucking driving rules, I don't obey shit, but I gotta tell you something, you can't do dick without a fucking car, you could do plenty without this, plenty without that, but you lose your fucking driving privileges, your driving privileges,

you don't know what life is, and trust me when I'm telling you, you lose your driving privileges, I never lost my driving privileges, but for a long time I had a fucking driver on a bus, and guys, it sucks to lose your fucking driving privilege, I'm just letting you know, so that was my adventurous week,

every week I have something with the cop, I mean I haven't talked to a cop in years, knock on fucking wood, but I always have some lady driving, somebody's not fucking happy, a couple weeks ago I went to get something at the health food store, a lady outside, somebody hit a car,

okay, what do you want from me, well, you know, there's only four cars in the parking lot, it had to be one of you guys, lady, you parked all the way over there, and I parked all the way over there, how did, well I like to call the police and take a picture of your car, I'm taking a picture of all four cars, listen lady,

you're not doing nothing, I got shit to do with people to see, if you want to call the cops, take my license plate, tell them I left the scene of an accident, but there was no accident, there was nothing, there was nothing, your car is over there and I'm fucking over here, so, every week is fucking something,

anyway, what I want to talk to you about today is I got good news, I fucking, the audio book is done, it wasn't a pain in the ass at all, it was nice and smooth, you know I hadn't looked at that story since I submitted it a year and a half ago, I submitted that maybe

15 months ago, so the first couple days of going through it, I was just learning my, I was just learning the fucking, the ropes, I was just learning my pace and whatnot, I was doing like three hours a day, and I went through the chapters the night before, just to make it smoother,

just to know where I had to take pauses and stuff like that, you know when you do an audio book, you don't want to be like, and I know when you listen to it, you're going to go, Joey, what are you fucking stupid, there's parts in there where I can tell you're reading, yeah, but it has to be more communication, like me just very nonchalant,

very whatever, and it was funny, you know, all the chapters were still intact, what I do have to say about the book is, there's a couple stories you heard already, but the beauty of the book is, it gives you the backstory to why that story is special, and why I remembered that story,

that'll help you understand more about what I was going through at the time, you know the book is in three phases, it's my early life, life after my mother died, and then my comedy life, you know, so we get them together at one point, it's like kind of like Aerosmith's book I like,

it's going to mix and it's going to confuse you, but once you read more, you'll understand what the fuck we're talking about, and I gotta tell you, the chapters that were most fascinating to me, that I forgot about my life early, with my early childhood, there was a lot of shit that I looked at,

and even though we went through it and stuff, I was like wow, since we wrote the book I haven't really thought about that, or maybe I hadn't thought about that since the thought came up to me that I had to put that in the book, you know, and there was one chapter that really stuck out with me in the last two weeks,

I mean all the chapters are good and they're self-explanatory and there's some funny stuff in there, but it's so funny how when you tell a story and write a story, and read it, when you listen to a story, and then read the same story, it's two different things, it really does,

like the hooker story made me fucking how, you know, even though I've lived that hooker story a thousand times, reading it, made me fucking how, you know, but one of the stories in that book that really resonated with me, and I hope it resonates with you guys,

because it was, well, it resonated with me, to me it was bigger than what it appeared in the book, that's what I'm trying to fucking say. Little Liquid IV, a little strawberry, I'm out of the fucking Concord grape in the cherry, but the strawberry is kicking motherfuckers, but there was, you know, my mother died,

that's the big anchor in the story, but before my mother died, what made my mother's death even more sensationalized was, you know, in the eighth grade I played, in 78, I played, wow, 25 fucking years ago,

no, that's 22, and then 23, 45 fucking years ago, interesting year, interesting, you know, I played for Saint Michael's for two years, I had to take a bus back and forth, you know, we came back,

you know, when you're in the eighth grade, it's just great to take a bus with your friends, and after that, you fucking get a slice of pizza, I don't know if we smoked pot then, yeah, I think I did, but like every quarterly, like I smoked pot, you know, wasn't like a daily fucking thing,

and we would go to practice like twice a week, and it was a great team, some of these guys are still around, I'm gonna see these guys next Saturday night, Whitey and my friend Chuckie, and just a couple guys that I haven't seen basketball friends,

and a couple of us played together, down there, Mike Hennessy from Emerson, he's working for the town now in North Bergen, the center for the Green Bay Packers, I forget what his name is,

number 52, wasn't the eighth grade with us, he was out of Emerson High School, he played for Sacred for St. Michael's also, we were a tight group of kids, who knew, we were in the eighth grade, we just showed up in practice, I remember we broke into the fucking

Catholic diocese one night, we stole all the stickers for the booster that you had to sell for a dollar, and we got a fucking ear beating from the priest over there, it was just, you know, it was one of those kid memories that you looked back on,

that was a lot of fucking fun, and there were chillies, we were not sexually active, we were nothing, we were just dreaming of kissing a girl at the fucking time, probably, dancing slow with them at the fucking dance or something like that,

and I had met girls along the way and we held hands and whatever, who the fuck knows what happened, but I ended up meeting this cheerleader, and I liked her even more because she wasn't from North Bergen, she was from Union City, she was just a nice, sweet Irish girl,

freckles, red hair, cuter than fuck, hung out, girlfriends were hotter than fuck, she hung out with a Cuban girl, that was great, and a little another Irish chick, and you know, it would be like me and fucking, I forget these kids

any more, Hennessy, and we'd fucking, after practice, we'd always go around the corner to a pizza place in Union City and get some pizza, where now it's fucking Obama, that's the name of the grammar school or the middle school, it's like Obama,

it's fucking beautiful. When I went down there to get a thing a couple years ago, I was, I mean, I had a fucking, it was breathtaking of how much has changed down there, you know, but I knew that area well, like I had been in Union City all my life, that area down there,

I kinda knew, the only time I went down and like that, under 20th street area was to get THC Crystal, Angel Dust, there was a bar on like 22nd street in New York Avenue, across the street from the county morgue, and we got on there to get pizza,

there was a movie theater down there, a Cuban movie theater called C. Netoni, that had American movies with Spanish subtitles and the owner had a wig, and we'd throw penis at his wig and shit like that, you know, I had been down there, but I was, I didn't know the area like Union City

where my mother's bar was. So, you know, in the 8th grade, I meet this girl, and we're all friends afterward, you know, like, the cheerleaders are coming out with the basketball players to eat, and we'd go to the pizza bar and we'd sit together and we were awkward, you know, we were

socially awkward with these girls, but you know, we talked to them, we were kinda like gentlemen, nobody was really cursing, and I started talking to this one girl, and we kinda became tight, you know, we talked, talked, and one day she gave me a number and I would talk to her at night, and you know what, we became kind of an item.

When I say an item, I mean, like, we would, after a game, when we played games, we played them by North Bergen, up by West New York or something, so after the games, we'd walk down Bergen Line Avenue holding hands and torturein' Chinese owners

and fuckin' going into album stores and talkin' about the albums, we wanted to buy kid shit, and we'd go like Burger King with them and buy them like a chicken sandwich, and we'd hold hands, and that's it. There was no big fuckin' deal. We went home and we dreamed about

puttin' Kelowna on and makin' out with them one day. What I would've fuckin' dreamed of as a fuckin' 13-year-old. Well, I fuckin'... We start makin' out after a few months, with together, like from maybe November to maybe

February, until the season's over. We're together. And then once the season ended, I didn't have a reason to go down there. So it kinda got tough to go down there. So I would go down there, maybe like on Saturdays, and we'd take a walk down Bergen Line, maybe go to a movie.

You know, stupid kid shit. I know you people want to hear like, were you fuckin' or were you lightin' a pussy on fire? Not even close, man. Not even close. I wasn't even thinking like that back then. I was just happy with holdin' the girl's hand and swappin' spit and goin' to a movie with them.

I wasn't even thinking of fuckin' sex or nothin'. But that didn't last for long. So it was one of those president weekends, like in February. The season probably ended the first week of February,

and it was like president season. It was like, it's not how it is now, they have Presidents Day, and you have both presidents, they celebrate Washington and Lincoln. So let's say my birthday was the 19th. That was February 19th on a Monday.

That'd be Washington's birthday. But the 12th, the Monday before, would be Lincoln's birthday. So I don't know, I don't know if it was a holiday. I don't know what the fuck it was. I think we got a lot of snow. And the schools were closed for like a week.

And we kept talkin' about, I don't know, one night or swap and spit or somethin'. She said somethin' about second base or somethin' about suckin' the titties. And again, I wasn't even there. Like I was still a Catholic kid.

I thought if I would suck a titties, or try to touch a pussy, I was going to hell. You know how you were a fuckin' geek when you were a kid. So I don't know, we were just talkin' about it. And she was like, I think I'm ready for the next step. And I'm like, what's the next fuckin' step? I don't know.

And she's like, I don't know. Maybe we should dry hump. Guys, I had no idea. So I went down there with her a couple times and we kinda dry humped and swapped spit. I mean, we had no place to go. We were in the fuckin' eighth grade.

So I would have to like dry hump her outside on a wall behind St. Michael's, you know, disgusting, disgusting. So this conversation went on about us, you know, datin' exclusively and all this shit.

You know, I was in love with basketball. At that time, it was like when I was doin' coke. My first love was cocaine. Stand online. Stand online, mom. Stand online, dad. Stand online, wife.

My first love was cocaine. My second love was fuckin' comedy. But my fuckin' love is, you know, fuckin' basketball. And I was a Catholic kid. I didn't know anything about, I heard about people getting knocked up and shit. So I was like, I'm not,

I'm not knockin' up a woman, you know. I was very against, I love to tell ya, I was different than I was slingin' dick in the sixth grade. No. So we talk, we talk and we're like, okay, we don't have school next week. Let's make a date to come down your house.

And I don't know how we came to the conclusion, like your parents work or something. And she's like, yeah, whatever. So I go listen, what I'll do is next week I'll come down one day and we'll fuckin' hang out, whatever. I didn't know what to expect,

you know. So on Monday morning, it's about 50 degrees, you know, the snow's gone, there's still shovelin' snow. It's startin' to melt and I'm on my little bicycle and I ride it down the 15th street,

St. Michael's, and I meet her outside and we walk back to our house and we drink like fuckin' Kool-Aid. We made like grape Kool-Aid, we powdered sugar and ice cubes and we had like Entermen's Coffee Cake.

We had somebody, our parents bought it or somethin'. So we walk up to our house, we eat. We kinda giggle and we put the TV on. We start swappin' spit and I knew I was a little Catholic faggot and whatnot but my dick got hard and I was takin' it to the next level

and I got on top of her and we were dry humping, whatever, we were just two fuckin' kids. We didn't know what the fuck was goin' on and she was like, what do you wanna do? You know, when you're a kid you're like, what do you wanna do? I don't know, what do you wanna do?

I don't know, you wanna say it? You show it to me first. No, you show me yours. One of those things. And finally I just wanna be safe before I was sorry and I go, hey, what time do your parents get home? And she goes, well my sister gets home

at like five. My dad gets home at like five, thirty and my mother's dead. And I was like, come again? And she's like, you know, my father comes home at five, thirty,

my sister gets home about five and my mother's dead and I'm like, dog, I think we were holding hands and I like threw her hands down and I'm like, what do you mean her mother's dead? And she's like, yeah, my mother died when I was a little girl, dog, my whole fuckin' system,

my whole belief system just hit the fuckin' toilet. It was like, what? Your mother's dead. You know, sometimes you do things when somebody opens your mind up with something like, Mike, when you play the guitar,

you could throw gasoline on the top thing and play, you know, whatever the fuck you want to do, you know, people open up your mind. Sometimes you're not ready for something and people up your mind. Sometimes when I go to Jiu Jitsu, they teach me a move I can't fuckin' do but from doing that move,

I learned something else. I go, ooh, look at this opening here. I never saw that before. It's just evolution. Guys, when I went down there, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if I was gonna have sex and I had a condom in my pocket

and I had fuckin' Kelona and I was all fuckin' hot and sticky. I had gone down there just to swap spit with her, maybe hang out with her. I was an only child. I was starting to explore women, girls, whatever the fuck I was doing

when she told me her mother died, my whole fuckin' everything just died. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And she started explaining to me her mother died but the more she explained it, the more she was starting to scare me.

It was like an exorcist type fuckin' situation for me. I couldn't even believe I was in the house at that time. Not only was I a real Catholic little nerd, but I was also a Santeria guy and I'm like, if I'm in this house with this fuckin' energy that her fuckin' mother died,

somebody in my life is gonna fuckin' die. I'm like, I'm not gonna hang out with this girl no more. I remember I made up some story how I had a fuckin' leave and I fuckin' got on my bicycle and I got the fuck out of there. I didn't call her for like three days. Guys,

when I tell you that, you know like when a girl turns you down you get like a little hot or somebody says something, you get a little hot for like two days but then you're like, what am I gonna do? Even though I wanted to mess around with her and even though I liked her as much as I did,

I fuckin' knew I was gonna have to see this girl again. Like it was just too much for my body and my mind to fuckin' comprehend. Yes, I had a father who died. So that's what I'm gonna say. Do you think it's from that?

What do you mean? Like, no. Knowing how she feels. I never, Mike, I never at that time as stupid as this fuckin' sounds I never, even though my father was gone

I never comprehended your mom not being around. I could not comprehend that. I had watched something or something years earlier where they said anybody could be your father but you only have one mother.

It's a fuckin' horrible statement because not everybody can be your father. And I think that statement ran, you know, just went in my head like, you know, your mother. Guys, I did not understand the fuckin' statement.

When she said she didn't have a mother and her mother had died I'm not joking. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not trying to be cute. It destroyed me because I didn't think that was possible.

I never thought that no matter what bad a situation I never saw it coming. You know, I think in God father too they shoot the mother but that was a movie. Do you follow what I'm saying?

That's a fuckin' movie and you're left as a young child. I can never even picture like a mother dying. I didn't think that was fuckin' possible. I just could not talk to her. It took me about a week, a couple days to call her up

and ask her how she was doing. And then she kept saying to me, when am I gonna see you? When am I gonna see you? And I kept lying to her, I'm really busy with basketball. I gotta go out to Carney for the AAUs. I just kept lying to her. And no matter like how much I thought about it,

like I gotta fuckin' I gotta fuckin' go down there and just break it up with her. Like a man. Guys, I could not get I did not want to be around her. How the fuck can your mother be dead? All I kept thinking about was

what can you have done in your previous life for your fucking mother to die? That's all I kept thinking about. More after the little break here. Now for a word from my sponsors. What up? This episode

was brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, learning who you are is a lifelong journey. I'm 60 and I still don't know who the hell I am. But BetterHelp's online therapy can deepen your self-awareness until you're no longer making decisions you regret.

I was having I was struggling when I moved here. I was struggling with a couple things. And Dana at BetterHelp helped me out a ton. So do me a favor. If you're struggling take a quick survey to get connected with a licensed BetterHelp therapist.

You won't be sorry. It's convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. If you don't like your therapist you could switch therapists make the change at no additional cost. Let me tell you something. Once you go on BetterHelp you'll have a therapist

within 48 hours. Try finding a therapist on your own. It'll take you two years. So do me a favor. Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz to get 10% off your first month. That's right.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz today and get 10% off your first month and be tip-top magoo by the summer. That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P dot com slash Diaz. Now it's time to go back

to the show. We're back bitches. Don't forget go to BetterHelp.com so you don't get stuck like I did for years. Back to the story, cock-suckers. So that's all I kept figuring out. What can you have done? What did you do

in your previous life? Did you kill a bird? Did you run over an old lady? What did you do in your previous life that you don't have a fucking mother? It took me about a month to get the carriage up and I had a caller

up like a man and go Colleen you know I really enjoyed dating you and when I said that she goes, what are you talking about? And she wasn't a painy ass. She wasn't anything. She was a sweet loving little Irish girl

those are the only girls that ever dated me. She had freckles, she had red hair she was fucking beautiful but man I could not come to terms with her not having a mother and I tried everything I could. I mean I was 13 fucking hormones were raging

and that's what she kept talking to me about like are we ever gonna have sex? What are we gonna do with them? Like not fucking never and we graduated the 8th grade and I never saw her again

I made it a point not to ever see her again like they would have little parties and invite my friends and they'd say hey you got invited I'm not going down there that fucking girl don't have a mother I'm like fuck you I'm not going around that fucking girl

and in a way it made me appreciate my mother a lot more I went home that day and I didn't say nothing to my mom but I was like how the fuck can your mother die I could not get over it and when I called her I even felt worse

because she started crying and she was like I don't know why you're doing this and I could never tell her because you don't have a fucking mother I could never ever fucking tell her that and then

that was you know May of 78 maybe April of 78 we both graduated in June I didn't see her again I think she checked in with me and I got back from five star camp

you know like how'd it go I'm cheering for you for the freshman team because that's what I told her I got to get ready for the freshman team I'm fucking starting next year I got no time to be fucking holding hands talking about your dead mother I did not telling you guys it fucking

it fucking killed me so you figure that was 78 you know I had forgotten about her I had never seen her again I went to high school never fucking saw her again I bumped into a friend years later Cuban girl but we'll get to that story some other time

I never saw her again I always felt guilty if you know anything about me guys I felt guilty when I called her to break it off for that day she was very upset shit that I can't handle if it was me now I wouldn't have never broke up but I would have just

understood but I didn't fucking understand and you can't be mad at me for that it was my biggest fucking fear at the time because I think I didn't have a father you're right I didn't have a father so for me

I would be left with nobody like it was just fucking I couldn't even think about it I could not even think about it and you know for a year and a half I just lived my life never thinking about Colleen I did that purposely

I didn't want to think of somebody who didn't have a fucking mother and then November 79 I came home late one night I'm having a good time on my acid I wake up in the middle of the night and I find my fucking mother and I will never ever ever forget this moment when I found my mother on the floor

I looked at the arm the whole bullshit she was dead I made the fucking call I waited for the ambulance outside they got there they told me they told me she was dead do you have anybody to call I was like yeah I'll never forget

that as she was pulling away like as the ambulance was pulling away Colleen's thought came to my fucking head like that I was so busy with my mother and this and that and the cops finding paperwork

and her license and whatever the fuck I was looking for I remember sitting on those steps and I thought of Colleen and I just dropped I just fucking dropped and I was like holy shit this has come

full fucking circle you know you know I I didn't know I should have called her then I was too busy with my own fucking grief but I always thought about it I thought about her a lot for years how maybe

even maybe thinking about that death brought death to my house but all that is bullshit we all know that when your bingo number comes up cock suckers your bingo number comes up you could drink all the turmeric you want and fucking

olive oil and fucking all the vegan shit you want you know when God decides when your bingo number comes up all that pomegranate juice they don't give a fuck all those laps you ran nothing matters after that

you know so I felt guilty about Colleen for years that I did that to her I mean that I think in my world that's the worst fucking crime I've ever done in my fucking life I stopped

being a girl's friend because she didn't have a mother how disgusting is that and now there I was two years later with no fucking mother and for years I thought about Colleen you know so about

I don't know maybe five years ago one night I was high on whatever the fuck I was on and I looked her up on Facebook and there she was she's still beautiful if I'm 60 she's gotta be like 58 real pretty face

she's married her kids is not well one of her sons is not well until this day I don't find the strength to apologize to her I've apologized to everybody

I kidnapped my ex wife teachers you know I've learned to apologize to everyone for some reason I cannot fucking write an apology to this girl maybe call her up

you know so that's my goal for the next couple weeks to figure out that'll be full circle for me I gotta figure out how to apologize and she doesn't even fucking know I'm not gonna say it to her I'm just gonna tell her I'm sorry

what happened between us I know we were far on the body each other but my head was somewhere else I'm not sure if she reached out to me and my mother died no I really really gotta think about it because now

I'm telling the story I remember her Cuban girlfriend coming to the wake but I don't know if she was one of them but man if you want to know what haunts me today it's not a lot of shit that you think that would want me it's that story that story

is always fucked me up because man I remember when it came back into my head that night after that ambulance took off and I was like fuck now I know what this really fucking feels like I gotta figure something out

and guys it's been 45 years and I still can't figure out what to say to her Mike I have no idea and I got the gift to get I could talk to anybody I could talk to an Indian I could talk to a Spanish guy

I still won't even know how to fucking enter this conversation man it's the scariest fucking thing in the world man but it's crazy the things that we hide all that we did and it's crazy the things that you hide

it's crazy the things I've apologized to for people this is just a little bit fucking too hard for me man I've apologized to my uncle and we held guns on each other I've apologized Jesus Christ I've apologized for every creepy thing

I've fucking done man but this I just can't get over apologizing to this girl I wouldn't even know where to start but I do promise you guys at home because we all work together on coming full circle and I will have to do this

maybe I'll do it before there's two things I gotta do before this book gets released it's apologized to her and tell my daughter about her older fucking sister and why we don't talk and that's gonna be really fucking hard those two things man

those are the two hardest things I've ever had to do forget about talking to judges forget about coming clean with my ex-father in law after I kidnapped a dude like I said I have no problems with apology but these two well the one I don't have to apologize to

but this girl is this is gonna fucking destroy me before I told this story on here today I went on the facebook page just to make sure she was still there and she's still there waiting for me to apologize to her just just start a conversation with her

it doesn't even have to start as an apology just see how she is and where she's been and see if she did reach out to you that'd be something to start the conversation yeah she lives somewhere in New Jersey it's not close to here it's one of those farm towns

I don't know where it is Jersey is fucking huge man Jersey is huge I didn't know how big Jersey was till I moved back here and when people send me shit like hey are you coming to this next Saturday I'll go on waves

it's like an hour 42 what? it's like that night I was gonna go see Rudy in Vineland it was like an hour 20 or some shit like that I'm not driving an hour 20 but Vineland was down the fucking block man but yeah

it's amazing what we could apologize for and what we can't apologize for and I know a lot of you guys that listen to this podcast you motherfuckers got some apologies to make to people so we all do we all do man and we try to brush it off and stuff

listen if you know anything about me I wouldn't give a Frenchman's fuck about this girl or the apology I just feel for my own you know what I'm saying sometimes you have to do things for you I just feel

for my own peace of fucking mind that I gotta call her not call her just message her on Facebook but I don't know what the apology is for how do I apologize because she's got a dead mother do I apologize because I broke up with her because she had a dead mother

you were there you could have not looked at it in that way dog I don't think a fucking 18 year old guy could have felt mature about that situation I mean the way you reacted was well listen man let's get something fucking straight

and every man hates to fucking say this I have come to terms with this and I say it all the time and I could see one when I see one you're either a mama's boy or you're fucking not I could cut it anywhere I can

I could put tattoos on my head and be fucking super this and super that you're a mama's boy and I think that was that's the fucking answer right there I was a fucking mama's boy I could not even imagine

not having a mom and here I am 45 years later with no mom and I gotta be honest with you I'm still waiting for my mom to make a comeback like John Lennon I was singing songs I saw a woman there that looked just like Yoko Hono

in a car waiting out of light and I was making a right turn she looked so much like Yoko actually I had a stop and I looked at her like for two seconds and went Yoko and just took off and she was like why does everybody keep calling me that well because you fucking look like Yoko

I did a little video with Chuck Berry and John Lennon and they shot her mic off oh my god she's 90 years old most people that sung that bad would die when they're 61 we've had so many great musicians that died fucking biggie

Tupac but meanwhile Yoko is still fucking alive pouring out bad music with that son that's never done a fucking thing Sean's never done a thing the other one's pretty good he's all gone too he sang one song and he was done

he came out after John died Sean and what's the other one? the other one I forget isn't it he looks just like his father and he sings just like him he was on tour with Primus recently really? yeah he kept doing something but the young one Sean

Sean's not doing nothing Sean's not doing nothing Sean's playing fucking chopsticks with Yoko that's not healthy for fucking anybody man it's not healthy for none of these mother fuckers can't believe it's fucking spring I didn't even know shit till yesterday I looked at the calendar and I'm like

it's fucking spring is it today or Tuesday? 21st tomorrow it's fucking spring yesterday was brutal it's 37 degrees on Sunday today's kinda fucking nice and by the end of the week it's supposed to be fucking 70 degrees here in Jersey

it's crazy that it did not snow this is two fucking years that I expected I mean I had to eat my words every year I'm like there's always snow in a 19 bitch you better check your itinerary you couldn't build an igloo for an ant

and there's no snow at all it's really fucking weird how this all changed like in 40 years this changed this much 40 years ago I was walking around this fucking neighborhood and you'd be fucking freezing at the end of March

it was freezing still it wasn't February fucking January but it was fucking freezing so this global whatever the fuck they're talking about I'm gonna stay away from it cause I don't know nothing

and I know they've politicized it like the pandemic whatever the fuck people talk about they've politicized it I don't even know what that means I don't even know our words right now just to be a little fucking you know

and that's it guys it's a beautiful fucking Monday it's a beautiful fucking week to be you mother fuckers and pretty much we got another month to the books kits release so I'm excited about that I'm excited that we got done with the audio book I'm excited that we cut the podcast

down to once a week and more alert I'm excited I'm not ready to do stand up yet I'm just excited to be fucking excited but I want to talk to you about something guys real quick I'm not every Sunday I get a notification on my computer

on the little iPad it tells you this week you were down 18% you used your computer you know I noticed that the last three months I've been really down like it's like Joey what the fuck

you used to post every day once a week or you post twice a week but it's funny between posting and when I wake up in the morning sometimes you know listen YouTube is the easiest thing for me to listen to music sometimes

I'll think of an album like this last week I've been Mike will tell you I'm hooked on dirt again the album dirt by Allison chains is fucking sensational and you forget how good these albums are and sometimes you put them on two weeks ago man man you know a week before that

it was Santana I'm one of those fucking guys I like music but every time I go to YouTube if there's nine videos on this page here two of them are about health

one of them was about side control one of them is music and the other ones are just fucking hate like oh my god and there's no particular like

they just hate on everybody and I'm going to explain hate to you because I didn't understand hate till I started comedy and there was a guy Andrew Dice Clay that made me laugh now he made me laugh then and he still makes me laugh now

and I watched him go from being a great comic to an overhead overnight sensation I mean let's fucking face it he was the first arena comic this guy was doing numbers

you can never dream about I remember I was there I was part of his fan club I liked what he did I wasn't one of these knuckleheads say a poetry thing no but I enjoyed him I was there

when you know he went on the MTV thing and he said whatever he did and he got banned from MTV you know I still remember these things and I saw him from an HBO special he did live in Philadelphia

to just become this fucking rocker roller and I remember his you know there was no internet back then but I remember every day his name was in the paper every fucking day and I know that you guys think that you're hating

that you're you know doing something spectacular and I get it there's not a lot I don't like everybody either that's what makes this world so special that we all can't like everybody but I'm not going to sit there every day and make a video about some comic I do not like

you know for you people who love making these videos you're making Brendan Shaw a millionaire do you understand this listen I like Brendan I respect Brendan Brendan's a fucking sweetheart of a guy

listen you guys went down there expecting to see George Carlin and you saw something else all of a sudden they saw his special and you don't like it and all of a sudden people started to terrorize him and I know he says knucklehead stuff from time to time but I know where Brendan's heart is

and I got to be honest with you if you don't like Brendan that's fine listen I don't like you know Carmel Rocky Road Chocolate and guess what do you think that fucking Carvel gives a fuck

do you think that fucking Baskin Robbins gives a fuck they don't come in here and get something that you do like and that's fine you know I've expressed my shit about Roger Waters and whatever listen

he's a fucking multi-millionaire I'm not helping that fucking dude I know everybody knows he's a dickhead but you know when you guys pick on a comic or an actor or a band and you go after them like that all you're doing with all your hate

is putting tons of money in this fucking pocket you guys say Brendan sucks guess what it's like the chick when she died I said no no I knew if I go there she's gonna be on heroin

I know she might pass out or I know she might not show up why are people paying $20 over fucking price tag to go to those concerts because it might be the best show it might be the best show you ever saw but the main thing is people

love a train wreck and that's what they're doing it for watching train wrecks and they're getting paid to make the train wreck there you go so listen I love half these guys are they George Carlin

are they Dave Chappelle by your standards are they Jerry Seinfeld no neither am I and guess what I don't give a fuck I didn't opt out to be Jerry Seinfeld or Louis C.K. I appreciate them but I don't give a fuck but when you guys keep

making videos like I just see random stupid shit it's like you had the time to produce this think of if you took that time and did something positive with your fucking time

you'd be making the same money he's making by fucking and it goes into your pocket but you're gonna produce a video you're gonna get a couple YouTube streams some envelopes and that's fine and I'm not saying this is about Brendan I'm not saying this is about Brendan at all

I'm using him as an example because like I said if I see ten videos four of them about fucking Brendan so it's like guys knock it off you don't like somebody, you don't like me, you don't like a certain comic move on

move on Comedy Central's got a thousand comics on there Netflix has a thousand comics and guess what YouTube even has more comics so you don't have to bank on these guys like I said for me, they're my friends

I know them, I love them I wish them all well and shit like that I don't like that they're getting fucking you know, torture every day but at the same time your hate is creating this fucking bank account and meanwhile you're struggling to buy the fucking car payment

so you talk to me about this shit and with that, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart, thank you for supporting the fucking joint thank you for your support of me, my Patreon and I'll see you motherfuckers next month next Monday

if there's no mouth surgery I'll keep you cocksuckers posted now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor Jack alright, I want to thank you guys for supporting the joint and for supporting me and Patreon if you're new here

don't forget to get the book on Amazon you're going to pay for shipping there's another one, ThripBooks.com where you get free shipping that's $25.99 go there this episode was brought to you by BetterHelp like I said, learning who you are

is a lifelong journey BetterHelp is online therapy that can deepen your self-awareness until you're no longer making decisions you regret that sounds tremendous they're therapy, it's convenient flexible and suited to your schedule so do yourself a favor

discover your potential with BetterHelp visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz today to get 10% off your first month that's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz the joint is also brought to you by

stamps.com nobody has time to go to a post office so print all the stamps you need at home with stamps.com get rates of you can't find anywhere else like 84% off UPS and USPS

they'll even send you a free scale so you'll have everything that you need like I said earlier I've been with stamps.com so long you don't see me going anywhere else and you don't see me going to a post office you could trust stamps.com for over 25 years they've helped

over a million businesses so do me a favor set your business up for success when you get started with stamps.com sign up with promo code Joey for a special offer that includes a 4 week trial plus free postage

and digital scale no long term commitments of contracts go to stamps.com right now click on the microphone and enter code Joey and you won't be going to no mailboxes no more and the joint is brought to you by Liquid IV

maybe you forgot about that little New Year's resolution to get yourself healthy don't worry about nothing Liquid IV got you back it's time to get back to Liquid IV the hydration brand that fuels your well being it's very easy

you mix one stick of Liquid IV with 16 ounces of water it's going to hydrate you two times faster than water alone I love it the Concord grape the best it's very tremendous tropical tremendous it's just tremendous

five essential vitamins great flavors and three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks you'll be ready to crush your health goals grab Liquid IV in both nation nationwide at Costco or you can get listen to this I'm going to get your 20% off

when you go to liquidiv.com and use promo code Joey not 10% I'm doubling the ante 20% that 20% off anything when you shop better hydration today use promo code Joey at Liquid IV

I want to thank Liquid IV I want to thank Stamps.com and I want to thank BetterHelp for making us better Americans stay black have a great week and I'll see you savages next Monday morning dip top magoo loo

love you music music music music music music music

music