Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Second time seventh grader

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about their shows in New Jersey, how Joey would do on house arrest, Lee passing out at Joey's after the podcast last week, Joey enjoys some treats, and much more! Download the new DraftKings Pick Six app and press in code JOEY for a shot at huge cash prizes. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz See less  

You didn't have anything to do could you like could they put you on house arrest and you'd be okay Like would that drive you nuts? Not really. No, like if you had everything delivery that would make my dreams come true. No Home I have a gym here I go in my yard I get vitamin D You're allowed to go out a certain amount of time during the day. I'm also rational. I didn't know that Yeah, you go shopping you go fucking here there. They put a bracelet on you Right. That's the thing. They know where you're going. So you have to tell them where you're going They they got to be able to call that place and for them to say, you know

Yeah, he's here. Hold on and then you talk to him then they hang up the phone, but they know they know with the bracelet They know everything I've seen videos on Instagram and like they can call you to the bracelet now Yeah, yeah people like pick up there like their foot and they talk to the break So you'd be okay, but you'd be okay you think you don't think you'd go nuts at this age No, they'd be doing me a trade wants to go out Anyway, you ever think about that? Who wants to, if you can make a couple dollars from the house, stay at home,

eat fucking fresh eggs every day, cut the grass. It's not bad. It's a good little therapy. It's like going to rehab at your house and really, really enjoying your fucking house. That's how I look at it now at this age. At 24, I would have fucking cut the bracelet off. Oh you water. Oh, yeah, but in Harlem jumping up and down and Yeah, it's a different game

When they put me on probate I want you to listen to this, okay, I get to the halfway house I'm there a day. I don't know what's going on. You have to stay in there for 72 hours until they evaluate you and talk to you. And just you have to learn all the rules and shit. You have to train four or five hours a day. And then they tell you that. Anywhere you go, I have to give them a number where I'm going.

There was no. So. There was no, that's a a tremendous fight that's a good one I switch governments on the protein tremendous I feel a lot better three four days anyway while I was rudely interrupted by my asshole fucking So you the rule was if I went to Lee Syatt's house, I would have to put travel time and how long I was going to be there and a number to your house

that you could answer that phone and pass it on to me. OK, that was the rule. And then when I left there, I'd have to call and say, I'm a half hour from home base. I'm coming in now. I stuck to to that pretty good except to get in the calls. I figured out a way that I got a job and If they called my job, it was in the phone was in the office. I was supposed to be there detailing cards I wasn't dead detailing cards. I had a big I had a pager

Okay, I mean they would just page me and go where you're at and I get telling whatever the fuck I want I'm on the moon. I'm right around the corner But the thing I don't understand is you just said you who stuck it to it pretty well And then you just said you didn't do any of it the second part of it I called them and told them where I was going how long I'd be there, but you just said that you weren't actually there No How long I'd be there, but you just said that you weren't actually there No So I would be in the fucking movies and they'd be asking me where I was that be I'm like a night watch Delivering a car. Okay, call us back when you're in Boulder County

Yeah, I don't we've gone for an hour to deliver But it took once I got there the guy found the scratch and we had a buff it out And then we had to drive back And there was traffic there was an accident on the fuck and what you know what i'm saying Right, so but they could never hold me down unless I was really going to your house or Joe's house or jimmy florentine's house I would say yeah, i'm going there and I would play the game on the weekends

I would say yeah, I'm going there and I would play the game on the weekends But nine to five during the week suck my dick. I need my freedom. I need my Chinese food. I need my matinees It was crazily I'm about one time you want I mean you're not allowed to drive at all Unless you're level four What level were you I was like level two because I could get in trouble okay, and one day I'm at a light driving bump into music and One of the counselors pulls up right next to me guy

Fuck I'm like I'm going back to prison. I'm done And I just kept looking the other way and I prayed and the light the good Lord changed that light and I made the next left and that night I walked in with fucked up shoes to let her know I was walking all day. She didn't say a word to me What would have happened if they had caught you like going to a movie? Like what you've got sent back to prison. No It's like lying They take away two or three weekends of privileges shit like that. You gotta clean the latrines, you know, okay

but I still remember being in the halfway house and telling them I was going to Denver to deliver a car and Going to eat Chinese food at that time. I had a little gym In 1990 89 had a gym in the middle of Boulder it cost me 35 bucks a month it was a garage and I have a bag in there and weights and fucking roller skates you know whatever I was doing at the time but I definitely had a bag and I definitely had like a weight machine like a bench press when I was halfway house, I figured out a way that I could roll a joint of good weed and take a hit of it three days a week

and get fucking blasted on that one hit. And they couldn't ever test me positive for it. It was a very low amount. And I would sweat. And I would eat I would sweat and I would eat bagels too and I would get bagels delivered right in front of those motherfuckers like poppy seed and they were going I want to eat those but I'm eating these three other times I'm saying I never came up positive doing that one hit never to did you get caught when he? No, but I never even pushed it because I knew.

I trained my body to get high off one hit. I did that for maybe seven months. It was really insane. Like I could write a book about my seven or eight months in the halfway house. That's a complete different movie, complete different book. And at that time I was total chaos and that place was in total chaos.

I mean, I can't even imagine. Cause you must be out just, it's all of you were criminals and like it must be Just mayhem all the time is everyone doing this Do you remember when you first when we first started the podcast in your apartment? We had one of the guests call in Okay, the name was Alex. Do you remember Mexican dude called in and said he missed me we were tight Okay, I remember a specific night. I Was just about to get like married. I was like a week or two weeks away from getting married. And I'm selling cars, I'm fucking wholesaling cars.

I'm doing everything I can to make money for this wedding. On top of that, I'm slinging a little coke because I'm not doing coke at this time. I'm just slinging a little blow, right? At work, a couple of the guys at the other dealerships, I'm slinging a little coke. I'm slinging a little, I'm slinging a little coke because I'm not doing coke at this time. I'm just slinging a little blow, right? At work, a couple of the guys at the other dealerships, one Friday, it's really slow.

And I fucking, this is 1989, Lee. This is like August of 89, it's hot. And my curfew at the halfway house was midnight then, because I was level four. I was getting furloughs on the weekend. I was just making it happen. I'm rocking and rolling, everything's going fine. And I got a half ounce of some fucking cocaine on me.

And I leave it in the car and I go into this strip club that's BYOB. All right, I'll never forget this night. in the car and I go into this strip club at BYOB. I'll never forget this night. And also there's an Asian chick dancing, fucking, just tremendous. She was so tremendous, I ran to the car and got the half ounce of coke. I took her for a private dance.

I said, this is it. Let's fucking stone ourselves to death. And we started going off in there in this fucking room. I was in that room from probably 8 o'clock to fucking 11. I had to straighten up by the time I got to the halfway house at midnight. I'll never forget getting there by the quarter to midnight. And I'm not exaggerating to you.

This place housed like like let's say 60 people okay I had six of them in the windows clapping because they knew I was bringing coke into the fucking halfway house on a Friday and Saturday and I never forget going upstairs and people knocking on my door and Alex was my roommate and Alex was sharing this power on and Put shaving cream on and make believe he was shaving all night while he was snorting coke Six in the morning. He'd still be in there with the steam making believe you just keep putting shaving Shaving because the coke would make him go crazy fucking hysterical. And do you have any left after the stripper?

Yeah, yeah, I took it fucking back I probably did like a quarter with the stripper and I took seven grand back for a halfway house And I sold it within two minutes. They were all waiting for me. They all got paid And for some reason or another that Monday they gave away you ways The grace of God I wasn't on that list. Alex came up positive. Well, he was shaving all night. Like he's fucked up.

I will never in my life forget that night. How it's like, when I think about it, like I was in the room hiding, Alex is in the fucking bathroom shaving, and our other roommate, Norton, he was just an old man. He had nothing to do with it. He was just in the living room watching TV, shaking his head going, they're gonna send me back to jail.

These guys got cocaine in their scales. Fucking, you know, It was fucking insanely. It was no rehabilitation Whatsoever I just can't get over the like the lack of fear that you have Like I'm nervous for you and it happened in the past dog addiction has no fear So always remember that that whole addiction thing and by that time I was cooking with gas I'm like, where's my life going? This ain't gonna work out. But I knew it other times. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. an eight ball. I'm like what where's my life going? This ain't gonna work out Jim to do it other times. Let's get this fucking party started Jack. It's Tuesday the

14th of May a beautiful day to be alive The check-in is brought to you by you ready for this Alpha brain listen to me. I've been drinking their pre-workout peach drink It is tremendous, you know from time to time you forget about alpha brain, but I'm here they got a sale going on May 20th to June 2nd and Alpha brain is subscription now so you can either buy the product or gonna ship to you every 90 days 60 days by the baboon They also got the little brownie bites and as usual alpha brain is

Tremendous you understand me the black label that'll get your tip top mode go go to on it calm right now They got a great selection of nutrition workout products gear Supplements take a look. Let me know what you think on top of the 20 Next week, I'll get you another 10 if you put down church Ch you are ch is that he's probably look at me. Don't know I thought he wanted spelling me in the Jewish Catholic League That's how you spell it. I was on mute. All right ch you are ch

That's how you spell it. I was on mute. All right CH you are CH Put in church and get tempest on off your first daughter. Tell them uncle Joey sent you you're gonna love the alpha brain You're going into the summer. You want to be tip top Magoo. You don't want to be walking around Yeah, I got those virtual sunglasses on you know I'm saying anyway going on it calm Pressing church tell them Joey sent you and listen. It's getting hot right now It was getting hot for me the other day and I forgot I went on Fuji Sports dot-com. Oh my god. I got myself the nicest lightest ghee You could ever get yourself in summertime. You don't want to have that gear on who you fight gladiator You know Fuji got the nicest smoothest toughest geese out there. They've been around forever Summertime you don't want to have that gear on who you fight gladiator, you know

Fuji got the nicest smoothest tough as geese out there. They've been around forever I think Fuji built motorcycles. They built a tower these people know tough. You understand me Fuji Fuji We don't know that name. Anyway, Fuji steel, you know me. I like to invest some check holes from time to time Go to Fuji sports dot com right pick yourself a gear nice rash guard. They got some great sales on shorts they're gonna blow you away if you've never been to Fuji sports calm you may get a big mistake. So go to Fuji sports pick yourself up the Fuji gi the natural It's a buck five with the discount you'll be living like a doctor and it's basic You don't need nothing, but the summer's coming. They got the ultra light that'll knock your socks off You understand me go to Fuji sport calm right now pressing code church

To get 10% off your first order. Listen, I hope it's church You know, I think it's church, but whatever it's Tuesday Like that say put that cigarette out and get some orange juice. Let's get this party started. Click it, Lee. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over.

They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church! Tuesday morning bitches. Oh, well, Joey Lee. Say at our point Jack It was so good to see you last week buddy. Yeah. All right. Tell it to the Marines. All right. No, it was very good And it was a great day. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. It was so good to see you last week, buddy

Alright, tell it to the Marines. Alright, no, it was very And it was a hell of a fucking week, but I lied to you Oh you did yeah, because I told you I booked you a hospital room and all that shit before you came down So what you didn't have a booked I cancelled it because I know I didn't want to kill you. had a rough enough week Yeah, Friday in Philly if you were gonna die you were gonna die in Philly So you didn't nobody killed you down there. There was no shootings at the club. No one killed me But I might have needed the dude. I passed out after the podcast I passed out and after we did the podcast at your house Sunday night. I I passed out that after we did the podcast at your house Sunday night. I

Know listen listen. That was the first night all bets were off. I know but maybe the hospital when did he can to the hospital room? Tuesday once I really felt feeling like I can't do this keep doing this for this poor kid But we still went a little crazy Wednesday and Thursday. Yeah I got fucked up. I think every night except for Tuesday because I went to New York but they night when my wife told you to just stay here on the couch she's like you're not going nowhere we were fucked up late and I was sober you were done we had both eaten tons of edibles fucking mushrooms galore You know it was just a free fall and it was great to see I was just excited to see you

It was the Lord's Day Monday. It was a rough day for both of us. I Don't know what we did Monday night. Oh, we're for cheeseburgers with Jimmy Florentine. Oh, yeah Yeah, we got high, you know with those cheeseburgers were good the Monday night special over there the fucking cheeseburger with the beer You've been talking about that burger for three years three and a half years Great value I Take my daughter to get burgers and all these Jamo places and they're 22 23 fucking dollars and it's just a frozen goddamn patty For these guys to bang me out for $18 for a short rib, you know, they put everything in there, you know Get everything well done I get that burger medium Really did you notice that I get that medium? There's no reason the flavor is

Did you notice that I get that medium? There's no reason the flavor is Sensational I didn't know you were well done guy. What's it? Like is it just a better quality meat? Listen I gave up on well done hamburgers a long time ago. They sucked dick. Yeah You're just killing yourself to live they got to be medium-rare and when you eat a burger like that That's that high quality and that flavorful Burger like that that's that high quality and that flavorful There's no need for anything you just cook that motherfucker you want a little bit of blood for flavor And the only thing that was missing that night. It was a fucking service of Leah Or you know other nice cold beer and they give you a frosted mug over there. Oh shit Yeah, that place I love going out to eat with mercy like we were at another place and you were telling me

Like mercy has rules like she only like certain servers at certain places Mercy's so fucking funny and she's so old Old dog. She's an old 14. She just told me about going to a concert Now, let me tell you something. She likes this girl. Okay Melanie Martinez Okay She's having a fight time with friend and a friend to go to this concert because nobody really knows who she is. Oh The performer, okay. These girls are still listening to Olivia Rodrigo or some shit. So I Guess I'm gonna take it to the garden.

I'm getting banged out to go to the garden with one of our girlfriends. Nice. We're trying to find the girlfriend's mother so we could verify everything with the mother, let her know she's going to the fucking city. They just punched Steve Buscemi in the head, you know, they'll do anything over there now. I just want everybody to know where they're at. Right. Oh, yeah, of course. And that when this I

Think June something I'm not sure That's exciting. I got a friend. That's a cop a retired cop and he has a car business. Oh Cool, call them. He goes. Yeah. Yeah, and the price is perfect. It's like an uber and he likes me. I like him I'll bring him a little present and everybody's **** happy. That's all. It was great. That was great to see her. I'll **** call him. Meet me on the corner and that's how you do it. If listen, man, the days of walking to the garden and walking back and having a great time and leaving their

hammered, you gotta pay attention now in any **** metropolitan city, you know, and this is I'm an old man I'm telling you that it's real out there especially for like a sports like I was in Tuesday last in New York last Tuesday and I was taking the train back from Penn Station where the garden is at like midnight and it was right after the Rangers had won. Oh At like midnight and it was right after the Rangers had won. Oh Crazy crazy and they're drunk and they'll hit you with a fucking hockey stick They don't give a Frenchman's fuck those Ranger games. Oh my god Going to see those as an adult is like I was when I was a child and I go to a Bruce Lee movie

So as I left there, I want to stab a motherfucker with a new chuck. Oh, yeah, and I had to settle on boxes From the fruit market I kick it and punch it and throw flying sidekicks because the energy was too much When you go to a hockey game That's one thing when you go to a fucking ranger game with those animals and you're close to the ice and you need a hooded Sweatshirt people yelling. I can't watch hockey on TV Live I'm jumping up and down with gloves and the whole thing but on TV. It just doesn't work for me I never I never knew you liked hockey at all as a kid I like talking a little more until somebody threw me into a fucking car playing hockey on the street. I don't need the regulation I like no

You know this is when Cadillacs or Cadillacs Like okay. I don't know what it was like a 73 or 72. This had to be I was probably 14 13 Seventh grade the second time I got left back second seventh grade part two and I went and got those days to have these hockey sneakers from Tom McCann Okay, very cool. I think child sneakers for this for street hockey, right? and I went and got a pair of those and my friends taught me how to play on the street and one day one of

Them checked me and it was one of those Cadillacs those 73 Cadillacs. You might as well fucking shoot yourself I landed on my shoulder on that fucking Cadill cat like I'm a married someone and I was like That's it. I don't need to be no fucking hockey player. Where's the shoulder pads? You were tired from hockey that day and about a week later one of the kids his head went through a fucking Like the glass of the car Yeah Not the windshield the back one of the windows on the side. I don't think his head went through the glass in the car. A window, yeah, Jesus Christ. Not the windshield in the back, one of the windows on the side.

I don't think his head went through the glass. I think he banged it, the thing cracked up, and he got a few stitches, and today he's not doing too well, you know what I'm saying? Speaking of which, we were talking before the podcast, and you were telling me about this guy that you used to mess with at a bar, and I was like, I need to talk about this on the podcast. podcast is that I don't remember hearing about this guy's name was Johnny Reid

Okay, you know what I've been very negligent the last four years. I haven't asked anybody There's somebody I know right now that I could call and ask him where is Johnny Reid and Johnny Reid was a character character I never met him before when I came back from Colorado he was hanging out the Midtown Lounge in Northburg okay and the word was he tried to kill himself he jumped off the building but he landed in a dumpster instead just like fracture the skull and he was never the same so he went on disability and he basically got his disability check and give it to the bartender

And they tell him when the money was over it would take about three weeks. Then he's hanging around the bar like a fucking Like a fucking spider looking for people to buy him drinks You know, I met him I don't know maybe may of 83 And by june and july I was seeing him a lot more but I was seeing him at night When I'd be driving home from doing coke with my friends I'd see him on the street walking talking to himself throwing little punches and shit So I asked my friends what's up with this guy and they're like he's fucking out of his mind I'm telling you tried to ice himself

And people used to bust his balls, but when Johnny was sober, which was the two or three hours a day, he was pretty fucking cool. You could see that he was a good guy. I don't know. One night we're in the midtown and Johnny's in there talking to himself. And I took him into the bathroom. I gave him a blast of Coke, you know, and he started making little duck noises and shit. And Doug, he was throwing punches, arguing with the fucking phone. You know, it was, you know, I didn't know he was on fucking whackadoo medication between the cocaine from the Columbia and the whackadoo medication and just put them over the top. And I'd see him, you know, then I remember going into the city to cop coke at seven in the morning

I'd see Johnny walking over the bridge throwing fucking left hooks And stuff like that, but one time He was at the midtown in the afternoon and he wouldn't shut the fuck up He was having a conversation with himself at the bar And he went to the bathroom and I don't know if you were aware this bathroom was in Jersey for a ball They like on the outside I did not know that it was just a little bar that you put like this this had to be like

430 and I locked them in the men's bathroom and Then we started talking one thing to another We left. Oh No, I came back at 8 o'clock And then we started talking one thing to another. We left. Oh, no. I came back at 8 o'clock to meet somebody. And I go to the bathroom. The bathroom's still closed. I open the bathroom.

And there's Johnny in the bathroom. I go, Johnny, what's going on? He's like, I don't know. I haven't any idea. You just put him in here. For four hours. I don't know. I haven't any of you just put it in here for hours and then one night we were there **** getting hammered

and there's Johnny again and somebody said, why don't you put your balls on the stool next to him and see how he reacts. So, I went over, I, I, you know, told him how his nicest hair look because he had like a scar on his head, the fucking air and we landed in the dumpster

I like the drink to schmooze up to what I'm talking to and there's a bench and him like a stool I'm on this stool and I stand up and I put my balls on my dick on the bench I go Johnny take a look at this. I'll never forget. He just looked down he goes wow and that was it That was my Johnny Reid store, but I gotta ask What happened to him and I'll find out for the next? Episode of the check-in where's John Reid listen? He's dead. I think so. Oh That dude died. I Mean in 83 had to be

50 He looked just like red buttons when we were kids I mean, in 83, he had to be 50. He looked just like Red Buttons when we were kids. And he had a scar on his head? Yeah, from where he landed in the dumpster. It was a fucking, it was something that you couldn't even, when I think about it now, I just giggle. Yeah, what was he gonna do? I'll tell you it now, I just giggle. Yeah. These stories, but I'll call around.

I know somebody who exactly would know what happened to Johnny Reed. I'll give them a call tomorrow. Oh, that's awesome. Last week was a very good education for everybody that went to the dojo. You know, it was good for me. I learned the ton that those two nights I get to watch you and you were just completely different than what I thought you were gonna be. Oh Thanks, but I listened And the second that I watched That's how I do it

Okay, what was a lot better in the first night? Yeah You were very funny you were page presence was good than the first night. Yeah. You were very funny. You were, your age presence was good. And it was very, it took me two or three days to go, wow, that was great. Steve was great. Danny was fucking always good. You know, I like the place.

I like the dojo comedy a lot, you know, uh I don't know. I gotta figure something out for the summer See what my schedule is going to be like. I don't fucking know, you know, i'm gonna be busy Right, the edible company the edibles you tasted they were great. I had two different flavors watermelon the cherry and the Fucking pancake that we and that tasted exactly Like syrup it was crazy. I mean I didn't believe it people said that's like that number one flavor. I was like, I don't know It is for good one for chubby dudes Pancakes dog. So it is a good idea. Those edibles are really fucking dudes. Oh, yeah pancakes dog. So it is a good idea

Those edibles are really fucking good. Oh, I am Academy, I'm not you know, I'm not the type I'll tell you exactly what I feel how I know when you take 60 It looks like you take a hundred nice Yeah, that was what I took the first night The second night we know the first night you took those and a fucking a bx, right? Oh, yeah Fuck it soldier. You understand me. You took no fucking prisoners the first night you gave zero fucks But there was only one problem You know, I got sexual desires the problem is I can't fulfill you know, I'm talking about

Okay Well, what I want to mean to tell you is that I had big numbers in my head for last week But those days are gone I can do edibles like four fucking nights and it's funny You see me eat the chocolates and the fucking thing like You know, there's no control uncle. Johnny when I'm gonna that a bull I'm going in It was very interesting what happened Saturday. My daughter had a doubleheader. Okay, I Don't like going there smelling the week. It's just not polite. It's not right Smelling weed. It's just not polite. It's not right

Every once in a while to the game. There's a fucking joint my car get out I drive a little bit get out and smoke it for the drive home Sometimes I gotta do it before the game ends because she usually rides home with me. Okay. I Don't know where I'm going with this anyway Edibles on Saturday night edibles on Saturday. So before I left to the softball game at 1 o'clock I Had an entire chocolate Malt bar Jesus I got from my man at the dojo a comedy. Hey the whole thing. It's 225 milligram What's the worst that could happen and then I took a couple bites of the fucking mushroom cap, right? I

Got to the game The mushrooms are wrestling with the edible for a little while. Mm-hmm, but the fucking edible one What happened I Want to happen Yeah, I was I wish I could cut this and sell it to go You know I'm saying like these farts are really good tonight. They're not abusive They're not too aggressive. They're not uh, they're fruity. It's nutty How much would you sell a fart for? Kind of kind of kind of fucking bottle of farts so you can just take it home and dose somebody with it

Because I suspect the farts got to get a lot stronger in that bottle. Yeah, that's a problem You got it overnight that motherfucker is ready to blow you take that to the office open it up on the enemy's fucking desk And watch the flies start falling down. Yeah fuck stink bombs I don't think I heard the story. Okay about two weeks ago. I get home my wife like There was this noise in the backyard. They fucking went out there I don't think I heard the story. Okay, about two weeks ago. I get home my wife like There was this noise in the backyard. They fucking went out there. I don't think I heard the story I don't think I heard the story. Okay, about two weeks ago. I get home my wife like There was this noise in the backyard

They fucking went out there and then I thought somebody was hiding behind the tree Then I saw the eyes of the raccoon and then our garbage started fucking up We know this fuck is big and strong. It's a mom because it comes out in the daytime. I got seven six And it's still daylight out. So it's gotta be a mom. She comes out in the daytime. I got seven six and it's still daylight out So it's gotta be a mom. She's been around for like two weeks. I put two bricks in this thing. I Can't kill her it's not my type. I just want to let her know that's like I put a pair of old sneakers in there Hopefully she'd smell the fungi toenail and that would set a loose. She's gonna love it She's that's why she keeps coming back then my dishwasher broke

So I gotta wait till June something for them to come get it the town together. Yeah, the town gets it once a month or something like that and This motherfucking bear opened it up like didn't bear fucking raccoon keeps opening it Going in there he crawls in there Oh, no, a little piece of old nicotine gum in there. Maybe I'll eat that fucking loses mind something, you know Just throwing a bx in there. I Don't want to get him fucked up like that, but it's not a bad idea. No, he'll be asleep He'll be asleep for a while that's strong that he's gonna come bother you. You know saying I don't need him bothering you No, I have an understanding

I'm gonna take him to Boston with 400 milligrams. Yeah, but then he's gonna bother you You know, it's you're my cousin in life. So he's gonna come bother you. You know saying I don't need him bothering you No, I have an understanding Milligrams. Yeah, but then he's gonna bother you. You know, it's you're my cousin in it life So he's gonna come bother you. You understand. I don't need him bothering you You know, I have an understanding I could just imagine you were a lot of things. I would understand Anyway, but yeah, that was that was a great couple of days and yeah Friday Friday was I like everyone had good shows, but I I didn't have my favorite show and then Saturday was really fun It was it was just cool to see like to be with you and Steve like that was it felt like

Like just driving to the ice house again. It was just fun to do that Like I said, I'm not enjoying Jersey comedy as much because I gotta go walk into these places by myself. Mm-hmm But when you're around when I'm around Tony and Austin or Bryan Simpson or Ari or Rogan that's when I do my best best work because they kind of motivate you like I'm going down there in two weeks and I'm dreading following Shane I know they're gonna throw me to the bulls one night and you gotta follow Shane I'm not gonna complain you follow whoever the fuck they throw at you. Yeah, that's the type of place

It is that you have to go up there and really push and I'm used to that I don't mind looking at somebody going. I'm gonna follow that What? I don't mind looking at somebody going, how am I going to follow that? What the fuck? You like it. It seems like. I should just get in the car right now. No, I'm like every other human being. I got feelings, I got emotions, and one of them is fear.

I don't want to go up there and die at the comedy store, or at the stand, or at the cellar. Because I'm not worried about the clients. It's the comics in the back that are going to go do podcasts and go. Joy walked in here last night. Boy, was it not bueno. Really? And when you go to those places, you got to already do two sets. Hopefully one of those sets, your bomb.

So you go in there fresh because it's but always remember the best time is the bomb is when you bombed earlier So that works against you too sometimes so oh fuck I was nervous about following you because it was an interesting show cuz you you hosted it like you basically like hosted it and Like would do time in between The other comics and it was it was an awesome show, but I was nervous about following about going up after you Other comics and it was it was an awesome show, but I was nervous about following about going up after you One of the best times in my life as poor as I was broke

Addicted was my Sunday night hostings at the store. I Hated the open mic because that's three minutes. That's a lot of calories My knees would hurt going up and down the stage yeah i don't mind putting somebody up that's going to do two hours that means i go fucking smoke and toke and fucking you know just every three minutes shit you got to sit right down after a walk you want to go up the stairs that's tough but where i learned how to come up with material, good material in front of a good audience, was by hosting. Right.

Like I told you, I worked really hard to be a good host. And I love going out there first, getting it out of the way, getting them excited. I'm not there first, getting it out of the way, getting them excited. I just need 10 minutes to get them excited. And then you did, it was so, it was crazy to see, we took them from like zero, because people, a lot of people hate going up first.

30 years, you gotta go. Sometimes I just, I don't know, I wanted it to be perfect and I wanted to get the most out of my set and the most out of your guys set. You all followed me, no problems. It's not like I buried the room. I was a gentleman up there as a host.

I just wanted to keep the show going. And sometimes that's the most important thing. That's why a lot of people just don't understand, especially club owners. It costs you $150 to make a difference with a host. I'd rather go, listen, I don't have a feature spot for you this weekly, but I could use a strong host, brother.

Right. You want, bring this guy out, we got a new 10 in between. Just make the announcements at the end of the night. I'll pay you a little extra to come in here. But when I go out and when I go to a comedy show to see fucking Joe Rogan and the fucking host is mumbling through his words, that just sets the tone.

I want everybody to fucking be good. You know, right. Yeah. Listen, it was 25 bucks. I wanted everybody to fucking be good, you know, right? Yeah, Larry. Listen, it was 25 bucks I wanted everybody to get that I wanted everybody to get $30 worth out of that show. Oh Yeah, I think they definitely did in this day of bullshit and fucking It really is crazy when you look at things and you see what you're paying for I Went to the wheat store the other day And you see what you're paying for I

Went to the wheat store the other day What am I doing my receipts send them to uncle Sam Bring them home and sometimes I look down and it's And this is not the wheat stores default But we're banging out you're getting you're getting banged out with four different taxes When you buy wheat around here, do you have medical are you recreational? I'm recreational Tarzan. Okay, get a medical card But what to be in the files they already know about me. They gotta get me a buddy to be medical You're in the files. I'm a high draft choice. They gotta be

Good deal Okay, what am I gonna say I got amphibio I got some disease I don't even know I told my problems What kind of problems I hear Chinese people at night sold that's it trust me saying they fucking dance in my living room That's it. Trust me saying they fucking dance in my living room Yeah, the recreational is crazy expensive now. Did you see what my plan was? Did you see how it started latching? since January Okay. Yeah, listen. I was getting the first time my picture came up with a company medic man company mothership I'm gonna fuck and everybody got pissed off everybody was like well, it's just a fucking shit. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody

I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'm gonna fuck everybody. I'll dazzle him with bullshit. Fuck you I'm gonna fuck and everybody got pissed off. Everybody was like, well, is this are you ever gonna act on this? Listen? There's a time and a place for everything I'm in no rush. Now. This is a methodical type fucking move. I just want to get better I want to get my cooking stills going. You know that it takes time to get that flow going and going Bah bah bah, it takes time Obviously, I try to do the best I can I have a family now everybody's older

You know, I got Papa gotta go a bit early. I can't be lurking the streets of New York I wanted to more than us on the spot those days were over with but you know I do my best. I try to write every day I Actually get up now at night to write the joke down. I put you know, cuz usually The fucking notebook is two miles from you. So, you know what I did. I started putting a little pad in my bathroom I'm going to go and I fucking turn the light on the fart fan comes on and I Write the joke in the middle of the fart fan comes on and I Write the joke in the middle of that. I got sick and tired of fucking you know forgetting them Forgetting them or saying now I got to remember that in the morning 30 years. It took me to come up with that idea

30 years of throwing out jokes that you fucking got to take your sleep apnea mask off cuz you're laughing so hard 30 years well, I got the machine about 20 years now 21 years. Have you really? Yeah, I got that 2002 2002 2003 was when everything blew up Because I had the sleep apnea machine when I did the longest yard and I had no idea I've been 20 years I machine next time you come down I'm gonna put it on for you okay feel the pressure that was going into my lungs at first oh wow and do you not use it anymore no No, no because I graduated I lost 100 pounds

Okay, started working on my cardio and everything. So now I'm on a flex machine. I didn't know that so I'm cooking with gas now from like maybe 9.8 to 12 something on high nights when I'm not hydrated shit like that So that's very interesting that I dropped that it's a flex it goes with you So if I lose weight the machine blows less smoke Up your ass if I gain weight, you know I'm saying vice versa. I'm not explaining myself for a plus I got a couple I got yeah, I got 1200 and become a

Quick a chance Columbus did motherfuckers. You know I'm saying it's May Jack I love it. I'm excited for the edibles. I I need to do a better job of the sleep thing because I was looking at some of the pictures from the dojo and my fucking Under my eyes were so puffy. How the fuck did you stay up to midnight Sunday night? I don't I don't I don't know this shit's got a hand I find it. Yeah, this is a lifestyle and There's a system to it and the system is as a headliner as a feature You have a perfect opportunity. You don't have children. You're on no responsibilities Well girlfriend and she has children

When you do a six-hour drive, I don't want you doing nothing That's when you should have gave mom the extra card with a fucking pass to go eat. Well you go home You take your clothes out of the suitcase You throw it in the laundry Right. I didn't do any of that. You run upstairs, you take your clothes off, take a shower, and all of a sudden, the biggest shit's

going to come to your ass because now you're home in front of your toilet. Your asshole wants to be close to your toilet. On the road, it just decides. It drops little nuggets from time to time. But you're stuffed up by the time you get home on Sunday. Trust me Oh, yeah, when your asshole sees the toilet, you're gonna dump a load to even a wife You're a lot better at the animals and the mushrooms and the pizza and the whole fucking deal and you take a shower

You go downstairs you put the phone on fucking fuck you And you put the phone on fucking fuck you and you put the TV on with a notebook next to you don't make the mistake I made and write what you learned while you're watching TV get a joint everybody knows you're taking a nap I'll call you when I wake up yeah that's the first night then you get up comb your hair eat something and Then you do what you got to do unless they're paying you on a Sunday night. You're not leaving hours to go do comedy You just came back. They're giving you a nickel. I'll show up. Oh Yeah, I and I have I've actually

Like kind of been expecting to get sick almost I Don't know if that makes sense. We are gonna get sick you gain a weight and there's a lot of weight on you The number one thought it's all in the mixture. It's not just eating cheeseburgers. That's bullshit You start sleeping eight seven and a half hours and that you wake up in the morning you feel better Your body processed a bunch of shit. That's why apples at night you wake up in the morning you feel better your body processed a bunch of shit That's why apples at night you get up in the morning do a bong hit That fucking thing comes out of your ass like it's dying to get out like this like a prisoner with a life sentence Jack Yeah

And I don't remember the last time I got seven to be honest, but it took me a long time To learn these things. I'm not just telling you because somebody told me, I mean, when we were in Austin last time, we were talking about Ari and I, we used to get off the Rogan Road, he'd go to his hotel room at one, and we'd stay up in the hotel lobby till about 4.30,

go up, take showers, and we'd be ready for the car at 530 in The morning that was and then I gained weight You didn't sleep That's shit. Yeah club is just running through your body now your blood pressure is up Now you gotta get on a plane Land to get your luggage. That's all stressful You gotta walk to your car and the fucking

windshield wiper broke. You know, you might have a flat or sometimes you're out of LAX in two minutes. But when you get home, that's your temple on Sunday morning. That's when you go review what just fucking happened. What did I just, why didn't I do well on Friday? And why did I do well on Thursday? I don't want you to rack your happened. What did I just learn? Why didn't I do well on Friday and why did I do well on Thursday? I don't want you to rack your brain. You're just putting this out there to your system while you're watching TV, smoking a number.

Maybe your mom left you a potato pancake with applesauce and right to the two hours you get up two and a half hours later You feel like a new fucking man now you're ready to tackle Monday If not, you're dragging that spirit into fucking Monday, but real quick We're gonna take a breather and talk about something new and exciting from draft Kings. I'll be back in 30 seconds It's always a pleasure Working with draft King is one of my favorites now Listen, if you like making little over and under bets, you're gonna love the Pick Six.

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He's sitting there thinking to yourself. What does Joey have on his nose? He's not usually a costume guy I'll tell you what they are. Give you a hint boom boom. Look at these motherfuckers right here fresh The batch of debt who? Lordy How big are those? Hold on, let me go get the measuring stick. I don't fucking know. That's how big they are, you know what I'm saying?

Jesus Christ, I have to do honey. I can't believe you just do it. I have to do honey. Because they taste like fucking debt. I know they do. No. They don't taste like fucking that I know they do know they don't taste like that Look at this fucking thing about the this looks like a scab off an Iranian's leg. Look at this. Where is it? Oh my god Bomboy agi Check it out. Yeah, this is the one I'm saving for you I don't want to get out of the car. Yeah

Put a fucking dollar on it or a burger at the end of it. That's crazy. That's huge. That's a hook That's a hook. I Can't believe you just did that. What's that? You don't know how much you ate. You're just eating mushrooms. I'd be up all night. Why live your life with you I'm gonna sit here with a scale like Johnny fucking vicariously Isn't the problem with America is today these young kids have no fucking idea They want everything measured out how many milligrams listen give me the biggest Baddest fucking edible you got I'll eat the whole fucking bag

You know and then if you wake up in the hospital when you're alive, they you know nothing happened You lost your wallet, you know Okay That's crazy. Yes, but at least you got an adventure You didn't just eat 10 milligrams and take your phone out and tape and think that's the best thing you've ever seen First of all, why is your phone on? I don't know much about nothing, but I do know That if I send a couple emails and I fucking get a few calls My phone is half charged and you want to be Dino de lorenz

Taping a fucking segment of the concert where you should be sitting there eating mushrooms Eating edibles inhaling the whole fucking experience and feeling what's going on You're too busy taping something that you want to who you gonna show you think I'd give a fuck If you come on your phone, this is look where I sat who gives a fuck You should have felt you paid nine thousand dollars for that ticket, you know, you had to sell your wig You want to you? Tell me that you sat at home and fucking did through its ass and listen to the album It was a lot better than sitting next to stinky people bunch of people don't even know what's going on They've listened to One Stone's album

and they show up at these things and pay $900, $1,000 to tell their friends how cool they are. Give me a fucking breather. This is how cool you are. Oh, I can taste it. Fuck. Yeah, I feel it. Jesus Christ. I Will be up all night now, okay? No, I like it

Listen life ain't life unless you see shit from time to time. I think people get dementia you Finally they go. You know what? I'm sick of this shit. I'm gonna start forgetting shit. Oh I love shit. I'm gonna start forgetting shit. I'm gonna start forgetting what? I'm sick of this shit I'm gonna start forgetting shit. Oh No, why would you what's that I said, why would you I'd love to forget Some people when they turn 68 And they don't want to know nothing. That's wild. And they get pissed because they're alive. Like what the fuck?

I don't want to know nothing. I'm still watching the same animal planet. The fucking monkey chasing the dog. You know, I need this in my life. I might as well make believe I don't know nothing. And fuck no, throw me somewhere and they give me roller skates until I fall on my face and it's over. Fuck my wife getting the house. I'm going to the top-notch fucking place. They rubbed your feet. They got Asian fucking nurses That would be great to be well retired is different than sounds you're talking about a nursing home But to be like a retirement community, that'd be fun and all these fucking idiots

They all retired like, you know, Florida is shit to die If I had the money dog, I wouldn't buy a house in Florida. No time. Well, he's Tiki lounge fucking towns Like where With the T, you know people want to get that ball lit on fire move to the Philippines get a summer house face the typhoons Move to the Philippines get a summer house face the typhoons Where one of those marks eat lumpia and eat Filipino foods from the street build your tolerance. I Had no idea why you every night in the Philippines for the small 20 Yeah, and if you got a disease who cares you go to the doctor they shoot you with that Philippine fucking jungle Juice and you're fine within three days you tap dancing, you with that Philippine fucking jungle juice and you're fine within three days. You're tap dancing. You know that

That's great. What what's that? Where you go you? It's get all that shit. I don't want to die with a dick disease or Because you got nothing going on right now But I would retire for a different situation there I didn't even say you. I think if you had the money, it would work out. Yeah, but I would retire for a different situation there. I'm too old. I don't want nobody to see my nuts at this age. It's over. The curtain's closed. I don't care how much I can pay you. I'm not gonna pull a Trump and give you 50 grand and keep your mind shut because after you see my balls, you're not gonna tell nobody.

You're gonna go to the witness relocation yourself. You're gonna call the FBI. I listen I seen something I shouldn't have seen I Don't want to talk about it till you put me in a different fucking country Oh is that bad? How many how many times would they have to see it to have that happen our first time? One time when you see on listen being uncircumcised is cool when you're 20 18 30 Once you get to be 60, it's not cool It looks like something to give you resuscitation In the nose like you put one of the tubes in your nose and I would I don't even know one of the tubes Well, whatever. I don't even know

That's oh my god my balls my flabby ass I Ride a bike all the time. I got flab on my legs. It's like a chick that eats cheesecake all the time I got that little silly behind my thigh. You can't see it till you put the suntan loose juice on Oh, do you think maybe just losing weight and you have like loose skin a Little bit of both But still I don't need that in my life I I still can't buy a fucking passed out at your house

Passed out you were fucking you had a water bottle in your hand and your shoulder was dropping with the board like the water Bottle was dragging you down like you were fine. I'm like look at this What the fuck is then when you woke up you ate the pizza in the middle of night that pizza? Crispy pizza does it again even fucking delivered that night and they came with extra shit. They delivered it. Oh No, my wife picked it out That was they get the wheels and the fucked up Sicilian. I couldn't even handle that. And I just had, I had one slice.

I had one slice and I'm like, this pizza is too fucking good. The plain cheese, it wasn't even extra cheese. No. It was brilliant. You didn't, and then the thing that fucked me up is I, I passed out shoes on, clothes on, and I was sitting straight up and then, I don't know if it was you or your wife's idea

But you left the pizza downstairs And I've worn the more the middle of the how many dogs I know you're 10 years I know that you pass out and you get up in the middle of night and if there's a pizza there You're the happiest man in the world regardless of what happened the night before it's like god came It's like that thing. What's the jewish holiday when you leave the door open and jerry over elijah? That's like elijah came back and left me what I really needed he usually shows up with matzo or pickle Tonight he showed up strong. You know i'm saying oh it made it cuz I when you wake up like that Whenever at least when I pass out like that high I wake up like like I like cuz I don't know that I was asleep

And I like didn't even know where I was And I look over and there's a box of pizza, and you had some you know like a little Halloween thing a candy And there was some sweet some Swedish fish in there, and at four in the morning, still pretty high. I didn't even, oh. I didn't even think about going upstairs to microwave it. I just ate a cold, I love cold pizza. You know, we goof around a lot, you know,

and I tell you how happy I am in my life, and I wake up, I know where I am in the morning. Let me tell you something. There's nothing like waking up and you don't know where the fuck you are. And you gotta look around the place and you're like, what the fuck? Holy shit, how did I end up here? And there's people eating breakfast and you meet their grandparents now and shit. You don't even know how you ended up there. It's it's horrible But it's so much fun at the same time. Oh I know where the fuck you are. I And then I drove to the hotel and I just walked in at like 730 in the morning

I made two bowls of Frosted Flakes and I went straight to the room and the woman at the front desk I think she thought I was stealing breakfast because she kept looking at me. It was I oh That was that was a rough morning Yes, it was I went through hell that morning. I had to get on a bike. I had a fucking drink water And I went to jujitsu and sweat out Lamar Leche and we're ready for round two Monday night my round two We had a good night Monday night Tuesday. You went to Brooklyn. It was like good because I could take a breather tonight I don't have that fucking 2019 endurance like I did

And then Wednesday we fucking were pretty good. It was the first show. I think we got oh I gave it to you before Yeah, I got pretty fucking high me too and then to Thursday Thursday that we got pretty blasted Friday. You went to Philly I think I ate some shrooms and then I was good all weekend No, really nothing Wow, you know man, I got so no, I'm lying to you. I ate the edibles in the mushroom at the saltwater That's what happened That's what happened And so what sounds like you do have your 2019 time I stayed okay because I knew I was gonna see you tonight and I want the edibles to work

Okay. Yeah, you can take like two nights off a week. Everyone needs a weekend Listen, if you're not around I won't do them during the week. I get too nervous. I know You know what makes me nervous now taking them and driving and going somewhere Can you fucking believe that like that was our thing? Yeah, when you when do you get enough cuz you drove all the way to the show and seems you were fine Well, I'm the way I've seen streaks, you know between the rooms and the fucking those little cat mushrooms I gave you the first night of the second weird. They're like tiny I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I saw a few streaks You know Going through the tolls all those lights and shit. Yeah, I thought it was the Las Vegas. I'm like what the fuck? Oh, it's the toll So that makes you nervous now. That's crazy It's been a while. I'm out of practice. You know, I don't have nobody's fucking I don't have nobody's tired tubes to run over no more like every night after the comedy story run over that guy's fucking thing

Oh, yeah, that was my favorite But you know and you don't drop off food anyway Like I would think you guys like in Jersey you guys would be dropping off food everywhere all the time Or did everyone just have so much food? No more. Everybody has too much food. I gotta be honest with you I've done it a few times. It's like people aren't that appreciative. So I'm like fine I'll save the three bucks and bring you fucking some that I left at your door. I know you ate it Right, you thank me two weeks later on a whim, you know

So I said fuck it. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't drop off like Cuban fried rice at my house Everybody you know Steve Simone. That was our world. We dropped off food on each other. I Tried to like I said, I tried to hear a few times didn't go over to well No, hey, you know us dog We try to do better than the fucking next guy, you know So more food for you George brought those those lobster tails this week again Spolies and fucking Steve brought stuff from Philadelphia. Yeah, those lobster tails We didn't finish him

No, and I'll tell you the beauty of it I waited four or five days and I put them in the garbage to see if the raccoon got that if he ate one of Those old fucking creams. He's got diarrhea that motherfuckers Four or five days and I put them in the garbage to see if the raccoon got that if he ate one of those old Fucking creams. He's got diarrhea that motherfuckers Of course he does he's fine. He's dude. Those are good. It's called response. Yeah the The cream was four days old Right. I guess you're right. It wasn't in the kitten in the refrigerator

She thought I was gonna eat and I kept thinking she was gonna eat and I looked at him I go Nobody ate it. She goes. I thought you were saving the thought I Had a half of one. I'm fucking good man. I used to eat five of those Oh, yeah, four years ago when I come back he would bring a box and I'd eat the whole fucking box How would you know that explodes in your face? Respolis has been there since Jesus left Chicago North Jersey. Check them out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's fucking awesome and the whole Where else did we go to eat? Oh

Yeah those broke that was the most Joey Diaz thing I've ever seen because we were just driving to get hot dogs driving and then It's like in a dirt driveway Next to a field. There's like a random hut And you just found these people one day. It's called Nicky's dogs. It's so good I went up there to do jujitsu and there was traffic going one way So I said, let me see what happens if I go this way. I'll figure it out I put the GPS on it was all confused and shit because I was going the other direction

And I saw this truck man it had to be Yeah close to three years ago And I wanted that one day And they had you know, I just got a hot dog with sauerkraut if you fuck that up. We can't do business. That's American as can be It was delicious and I got a dog and I was blown away and I must have gotten four more dogs that day Because they're running immediately. It was during kovat. I found them like maybe October of 2019 and they had to shut down

for a few days. It was kind of weird. So I didn't see him for a while. And then when I started going to Jiu Jitsu up there more, I started going over there in the afternoons and she had soup in the winter. Oh, shit. And she had soup in the winter. Oh And soup like soup fucking as Escarole it and sausage and potato. I mean it was just delicious for a summer day. So there's nothing better than a fucking Bowl soup on a one-day. Yeah, you know, so I kept going up there and then I didn't see her for a while And I found out she had knee surgery

So I went up there one day and there she was man. It was like Fucking dream. Listen, I don't eat a lot of sweets. I Don't do a lot of shit of my cheat like I out of all the things I thought Carvel was gonna be my cheat Not even close I thought Carvel was gonna be my cheat Not even close Well, if I do my two workouts a week and my two jiu-jitsu's That's my treat

Hot dog without no guilt not a hot dog to one with sauerkraut one with chili Potato sticks and raw onions. I see I had never had a I don't think I ever had a chili dog and then B I've never been to a hot dog place with with the potato sticks and raw onions. I say I had never had a, I don't think I ever had a chili dog. And then B, I've never been to a hot dog place with the potato sticks. That was outrageous. I'll take you to Hanks Franks up north. There's a place in Newark where they have little potatoes, boiled potatoes, cooked potatoes. You throw that with the chili,

with a little bit of onions, forget about it. You just say, give me 12 of them and put it his my credit card Let me know when it's overcharged But they were like Cuz I could probably eat on a normal day. I would say at least four You know like not me not but I could I was like I had to force myself to have that third one and

Even then but like they were like they were really really I never have The chili up there is Smoking my daughter came to me when they she's like we go up and I took it there was like cloudy They weren't out and I go I didn't know you like that hot dogs and she goes man the Baker one dad But broke she'd never asked me one dad And I'm on with really She'd never asked me for that shit I just took her up there one day And then I took you to one of the oldest car valves that has a drive-through Right on the 516 about a mile away and it back to the house, which is no big deal

I got a drive by that three times a week I don't know how it's the best corner and food and maybe the nation and then crispy across the street to fuck hidden That that should be illegal because you could literally Probably throw a pizza from car from crispy to carvel. It's just across the street You break a window on either side. Let's do that And it's figure out where hamas would stand and where the Jews would be I don't know if they'd be in for the Krispy Kreme or Krispy Pizza or fuck in the car bell

Where would they both be upset about that the crispy pizza? No, they'd have to take out all the pork and if I take you Three-quarters of a mile down. There's a restaurant called Ponte Vecchios. I don't think I've been there everything in time You keep hiding shit took four years. I think you there. You don't think I'm gonna shoot you really it's tremendous food, but it's got that Weird Italian vibe to it that anybody could just shoot you the head of a fucking time Italian vibe to it that anybody could just shoot you the head of the fucking time If I wanted if I couldn't get the location for the godfather, I would have used the inside of that I like the inside of that place. Plus the food is out of this fucking world out of this world

And you can't that's a fat man's worst fucking dream 516 I compare that to Houston, Texas is worst fucking dream 516 I compare that to Houston Texas if you're fat or chubby and you like food do not because we still haven't talked about bagel boy we still haven't talked about the Kentucky Fried Chickens down the corner which I've never even been in that parking lot if you're a chubby dude can you imagine getting a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and two milkshakes one drink in the car and went to get home. Oh You do like three or four bond hits and you watch like a sporting event or whatever the fuck you're into

I could see somebody going down that fucking hole and then yeah And ain't gonna be me first off. I don't make some match very seldom Do I eat pizza and go to crispy if my daughter I'll take her to crispy and then I have an egg I'll have a ice cream soda. I didn't have a shake. Everybody kept saying it was a shake. It was no shake It was a nice cream soda. You don't fuck right? No, those calories. That's like 1,600 calories. Yeah, that's what Steven I had we had black and whites. They got that coconut milk in there shit the coconut fat Battle clog every poor. That's how I got the fungi toenail It clogged the poor from blood going into my toenail

Milkshakes listen if you believe that one, I'll say you fucking whatever else you want This is not gonna awfully. I'm not like milkshakes. Don't pretend like you never had milkshakes I love milkshakes on my bread and butter dog That's what I'm saying. He said that that's my milkshakes. Listen to me. I was around Cuban Well, the first flavors I've had was a banana milkshake with a little Briars ice cream old school a little bit of milk a little bit of sugar. Oh It's gotta be the perfect banana I don't like that brown shit don't give me this shit You're gonna use for banana bread. I see one stain. I don't like that brown shit. Don't give me this shit you're gonna use for banana bread. I see one stain, I don't want it.

I want it to be, it just turned yellow that day. I wanted it hard. They had a fucking blender crack it open. Let me put the sugar in it to taste. That was my first experience and then fucking Carvel and then the diners in New Jersey. Diners in New Jersey, if you went in there and got a shake, your head would blow blow up would they bring like the second glass

They bring you the thing and the second glass and it was perfect Those old women knew how to make a fucking shake ice cream soda go in there now. Nobody speaks the language Wherever the fuck they came from they didn't have ice cream. You could tell Yeah, it's crazy when you go to a diner now in jersey there was a time i go to a diner and get a corn muffin with a vanilla shake or a black and white thin and you go home and sleep like a fucking baby everybody has a hard time sleeping because they don't do two bonheads and have a milkshake. You want to sleep like a fucking baby,

I'm going to tell you what the recipe is. If you're sick and tired of fucking not sleeping, drink a nice milkshake. Switch it up. Breyers ice cream in your house. You don't have to go out and get it. The vanilla bean, a little bit of milk, a little bit of cane sugar, the good shit.

Get the fucking light briars and Add your own sugar boom that vanilla shake late night with two bondage a 25 30 50 milligram edible listen, then I gotta wake you up No, I could throw ten cribs on the floor. They won't wake you up the only way the only problem is if you take the edible too early and get high and then Because sometimes if I take it too early, like I don't just know no takers right there to save you And right when it starts to go sour you lay right down next thing, you know, you're awake

And it's 730 in the morning. You're like, whoo You're awake and it's 7 30 in the morning. You're like, ooh Thank goodness. Thank goodness. You get up you drink a cold glass of fucking water with a ton of ice cubes and Watch your day boogie Jack. You slept good your body's refreshed, but I'm telling you right when I was a kid I drink a milkshake from Carvel a chocolate with a vanilla floating it Wait Come on dog, what do you think you're dealing with Joey bananas? Chocolate with a vanilla floating it Wait Come on dog, what do you think you're dealing with Joey bananas? What do you just say you had a chocolate milkshake with a vanilla scoop on top of it? chocolate milkshake with a vanilla

Right from the thing just on top and you dip the vanilla ice cream into the chocolate mix it around and eat it Lee when you're a fat fuck you're a fat fuck it's in your pedigree was not a fat fuck you don't see these kids with the three necks now they're 11 years old yeah reason why I wasn't one of those kids is because I ran in the street so much I walked hills I played with the ball my mother's thing It was a different childhood back then But every night four nights a week

We walked up 38th Street Hill to carve out on 39th and Bergen line And we'd all get something and let's be honest. I could lie to you I used to get like a chocolate shake with a fucking vanilla float and while I'm waiting I had an appetizer of course the muscle get a vanilla cone with colored sprinkles and whipped cream you know I can talk about that Mr. Softy comes up I get a double comb vanilla chocolate whipped cream and sprinkles that's my go-to and if there's a long line perfect that's's my appetizer kids asking stupid questions. It's a strawberry guy. That's more questions That would make me decide what kind of shake I need how i'm going to make it from all the questions these dodo's ask

That's the small details of the fat man That's a that's a at a new level. I never even knew you could put a scoop of ice cream on top of a milkshake Yeah, they'll float it like a little and you don't want eight ounces at a new level. I never even knew you could put a scoop of ice cream on top of a milkshake. Yeah, they're floating like a little, and you don't want eight ounces. You just want two. Two ounces of what? So the shake, it dilutes into the shake.

You keep staring it and licking the spoon, staring it and licking the spoon. Come on, dog. And if you really wanna be a fat fuck, just do an old-school Joey dears 418 pound Joey dears double cone from Carvel chocolate shake very thin Pull over and dip the chocolate cone dip the cone into the milkshake and make sure it doesn't fall off and eat the thing That's when you're a professional fat fart

Any questions? I'm just impressed. No if you want to rock out rock with you I'll give you recipes that'll blow your heart up in 18 fucking months New York super fudge chunk with a fucking coca-cola And at the end when you drink all the coke and the ice cream there's little floaties on the bottom I Yeah, you know I bow down there's no way I can even compare Now cuz you settle for the low end of the vine the red Oreos Hershey Snickers who doesn't like Oreos and Snickers, but I didn't like this. There's more potent stuff Okay, I'm saying you want to eat little bombs from fucking Nigeria or you want to eat the bombs Israel's dropping You want to get the most of your bang, right? You'll see I do I want those Israeli bomb

Yeah, what do you want to do? You want to run with fucking little firecrackers? No, what are you gonna throw that baby whoopee? I In sweets, you don't really do you just not eat sweets cuz like you really can't Maybe whoopee. I in sweets, you don't really, do you just not eat sweets? Cause like you really can't like. I just have to make choices.

Do I want a hot dog or do I want sweets? That day I had a hot dog and then I went over with you, but it was Thursday. I took the day off. I think I lifted and rode the bike and then I met you. I didn't go to Jiu Jitsu that day when I went the next day on Friday Right. No, I did but it just seemed like I caught me because while they were in class I was doing that Instagram and they're like come up to class you fat fuck

That's It seems like it's ice cream for you. That seems like it's you like that's your thing It seems like it's ice cream for you that seems like it's you like that's your thing Listen 20 years ago. I'd be a car. I'd be 35 pounds heavier from Carbell right now. I can't believe it myself And remember there's one two miles from my house It's the one we went to a different one no, there's a different one. It's college girls No ice cream. They got the club soda in the refrigerator and that means he got I don't want to do that

They don't know how to make an ice cream. So that's why I took you to that car around the daytime Because the owner works there. Yeah, she was right. She's been there since the place opened So if she can't if she don't know it Nobody knows Yeah, she don't she don't know it, nobody knows. Yeah. She don't, she don't know it. Carvel never fucking made it. The worst thing is going into a place that you grew up on or something that was close to your house, like even a chain.

And then you move somewhere completely different and you see that chain and you enter that chain and after talking from five minutes, you could tell the people did not know anything Before they bought into that chain. It was just an investment for them and it makes you sick to your stomach Because you ate this somewhere else and the people were like, you know, they knew their shit It's like when I went to Carvalho in Beverly Hills the one on Wilshire Boulevard, wherever it is Yeah, I was I was there the second day after it opened For fifth time and they didn't even know what they were doing It was from some bumfuck state where there was no carvel, but they moved out there. They brought the rights to it. God bless them

you know and but they the Derry Queen in Sherman Oaks with the I went up there one day. It was a Derry Queen slash Orange Julius Which I don't mind but I'm not even gonna say what nationality were In these people's country. There was no fucking smoothie company and there was no fucking Dairy Queen Why these people and they didn't know a thing like I wanted to throw off they go make me a cherry slushy with vanilla float and

right away It was like that that guy the donut plot plays with it that kept asking for chocolate I don't know why you would test those those people because yeah, they don't it was like it was like Dunkin Donuts Do you remember when Dunkin Donuts came to California? Now is oh wow. Yeah, it was it was when I was there was probably like 2011 2012 and it was huge There were lines down the street. Yeah, I didn't know you know what I didn't even miss Dunkin Donuts. I lived in LA since 97 And when I went to new mexico to shoot the longest yard that was to it was like, you know There's a dunkin don't it's here everywhere like the fucking new yorkers were there every afternoon

And I went in there too and it was okay, you know, the coffee's always going to be the coffee But it was again. It was, the coffee's always gonna be the coffee, but again, it was an investment. It wasn't somebody who loved it. Well beat their shit or their father left them this and they took it over. There's some meaning to it. You know, there used to be a caravan in West New York

next to Sal's Pizza place. When you went in there, the whole family was fat. Everybody tipped the scale at 400 pounds before anybody was 400 pounds why they lived and sleep then fucking drank and ate ice cream They knew every ounce of it the whipped cream was good. You know, some people take pride in what they do It's not just the fucking investment. How do we get shit? I don't know. What are you talking about? All those delicious food we had in Jersey Yeah, no, we gotta let people know where the fuck we go. I'm not you know, but the

most important thing we did last week that we both learned was I Did this podcast with you and last January I made a decision to do something and in those In those 20 weeks there was probably three weeks that didn't hit my goal for comedy, you know writing and But when you saw the growth, you know from nothing I didn't come back out there with old material It wasn't like I couldn't do that. That's what people did not understand. I lost something in the transition and when you You know, it's like I tell people yeah, I got a fucked up knee, right? So that means I shouldn't do shit. I shouldn't go to jujitsu

I should just sit on my couch and pray for it to get better on its own Okay, okay, I'm going to jujitsu and somewhere along the line. I'm like, you know what? I got to quit this shit because my knee isn't what it used to be. And I go, ah, John, John Machado is missing a few fingers from something that happened at birth. He was born like that. He's one of the greatest black belts of all time. You see what your limitations are. You bang out your strengths and you try to do something with your weaknesses so they don't see it.

With me, my weakness was the confidence that I had in my body. I was a little bit of a loser. You see what your limitations are you bang out your strengths and you try to do something with your weaknesses so they don't see it With me my weakness was the confidence was down. I didn't even know where to fucking regroup again. I was just throwing out ideas. I'm very Self-aware that I look like grandpa from the monsters. I can't be up there talking about topics to be cool I got to talk about what really affects me, my fungi toenail, you know, shit, anything. I mean, anything better than what I was talking about. Gay bar, whatever the fuck I was talking about. So I really wanna, I got a couple of years left doing this.

I wanna get really good again. Do I wanna do a tour stadium or be on a roast? None at all, none at all. That's what I wanted to do, but I wanted to show you tour stadium, we'll be on a roast. None at all. None at all. That's what I wanted to do. But I wanted to show you that this is the plan. There's always a plan. And when you first start comedy, you're always in a rush to go nowhere.

Yep. Cause I was. It took me three years to understand I was in a rush to go nowhere. And if I was going to do it, I was going to do this right. So, you know, in 94, I planted and I stuck to go nowhere. And if I was gonna do it, I was gonna do this right. So, you know, in 94, I planted and I stuck to that word. I didn't rob these comedy clubs. You know, I was a wild man.

If I saw big, big envelope of money up to 2000, I don't know. I don't know, you know, but I never did. I never showed that weakness of mine I just kept trying to be funny and people saw that and At the end of the daily, that's all that matters is having a good time Knowing it's not the end of the world Knowing that if you do comedy for a while

There's always gonna be that one person that believes in you Right what three or four and that's when my point came from. You can take over a country with three or four **** people. They don't even see you coming. They're looking at the other place and they don't see you over there but they don't see you coming. Well, and that's what I was gonna cuz you know What did it feel like to have the response you did from like the audience cuz they? They were so happy that you were back listen

between us I was just For me that night it wasn't about killing as you saw it was about working out brother and having a good time again, and forgetting how many tickets were sold. And you got to add a third ship. This is it. I just want to keep it funny. I just want to keep it funny.

I want to focus on the funny, blah, blah, blah. And that's it. Talk about whatever. I don't have to go up there and tell people I'm not that shit that ship set Enough with the chit chat. Are you woke? Look at? The end of the week. What does it matter? Go up there do your material they boo you you leave If they boo you hit him harder if they boo you at least you got a response from them Right, we got booed and you stare at me like I just robbed your mother's house

So I look at this game differently because I've been in it for a longer time I already done the movies and all that shit. I go back there right now. I really got offers In fact when we finish here, I got a call somebody It's really Crazy how I look at it now and I wanted to pass that on to you guys Not that desperation from LA Right and because like that's not good for a comic. It's not healthy for a comic it's a mind fuck for a comic and

How did it feel to do shows with like hopefully almost none of that It's been feeling great when I go to the mothership, but when I got uncle Vinny's There's no promises. Don't know fucking demands have these places. I only want money. I Told you I just go in there for a labor of love like Rudy size. Oh teamed up with Quiet Ride again, he's on the road at 70 something, doing the best shows he's ever done. He's not making a fraction of what he used to make. And he looks great. All the reviews are fucking phenomenal.

People love him. That's a labor of love. He already did everything. Right. This is when you go back to your roots and You know, I'm having fun doing it. I got nothing to prove You know It's like stealing. Are you still learning stuff? every fucking day Especially when it comes to stand-up not you know you I'm learning the approach now it's a different world everybody's got a podcast right now you got to get on a roast you know you got to do different things now okay it's

really interesting what how comedy is changing right in front of us but again you have nothing to worry about and near do I because we're just trying to be the funniest that we can And when you keep it that simple and keep the politics out of it and know where you're at. This is like stealing Right, it's I'm just having so much fun. I don't even know You know, I mean the last week was one of the best weeks i've had in comedy Listen man, you do a six-month tour of just spots No responsibility the only thing you got to be on time

And to be the best that you can be And you do that for six months whether it's paid not paid this is just Something that you do and see where you're at after six months when you don't worry about the world Like I told you in Seattle. I didn't have a TV There was no room for a fucking TV I lost contact with a TV from 1995 I I had contact with a TV from 1995. I love television. How much do I love movies and shit?

But I know to be good at what I wanted, there was no time for smoking dope and watching movies. I had already done that for fucking 30 years of my life. And it worked. And that focus, that dedication, that... Listen, man, I just worked hard. That's it. I'm no magician I'm no less shit Where you at this week cop liquor? Uh-oh this week. I got two of them. I'm in summerville

Uh tonight the night this comes out For a cool show and then i'm doing at the union tavern and then the 16th to the 18th I'm at cap city opening up for Josh Wolf Texas for Wednesday you got a gig to Tuesday. I'm at the Union Tavern in Somerville and then Thursday through Saturday. I'm in Austin town. So I haven't been Austin a couple years I did the that was actually the first real set I did I think was at cap city Danny Brown was there and I did you let me do three minutes on the show and like I just stood up against the wall and like Right behind the stage and my legs just shook for like six minutes cuz it was like the first real crowd that I ever did

a show in front of So I'm so excited to go back to Austin. That was the time you wanted to go to a Chinese buffet listen It had good reviews This way I worry the only thing they have Chinese people the barbecue the whole Fucking that restaurant we used to go to chewie's is there? Papasino's I mean, there's just so many good restaurants and this is way before the Rogan landing. This is 2017.

This motherfucker, I hit him up and I'm like, what are you doing? I'm walking. That Uber didn't show up or something. Where the fuck are you going? Before Uber, I got a taxi. I ended up getting a taxi to the barbecue place, but it was, yeah, it was before Uber and they had a good, I love a Chinese place. Did you read it? No, you didn't let me Well, not like yeah. Yeah, I you know, you have to go to barbecue

Hey, we've already been to barbecue, but I did I ended up going to Austin to eat Chinese food No, but mind your business go with the essentials one in Rome. You're not gonna go to any fucking you know Well, I want to be a vegan. No go fuck yourself Do that when you're in Boston with your friends out at the cafe try to be cool. You're lost in Texas bitch London vegan there No, even I let loose I get the barbecue I get the brisket But I also get a nice piece of turkey to keep it clean. It's smoked, it's delicious, it's high in protein. I'm an old fucking man, but I'm eating those big beans.

I'm eating Gus's fried chicken. I'm not being a good boy. Don't ever think I'm being a good boy. When you got those types of places, you're smoking with one hand, eating with the other. And I got the taco stand right across from the mothership. Being a good boy when you got those type of places you smoke with one hand eat with the other And I got the tacos stand right across from the mothership the brand cheese tacos

But that's a problem like that's why I'm gonna bring food on the road this weekend because I'm on I'm just I've been on the road so much. I've been trying all these, I made like, I had a roast pork sandwich in Philly last weekend, which was amazing from like the Knicks or something. So what are you gonna cook and fucking? I'm not gonna, I'm not, I, I, I found a, you know, like those factor meals that sponsored us. I found something like that and I got a cooler with some ice packs. I'm gonna, I'm gonna try to you know, listen like that cooler on fire

Save the lugman save the whole thing leave those with mom to play solitaire You go in Austin, Texas eat at the hotel for breakfast Do your work and then they? Fucking go get barbecue one night The next night go get barbecue and the third night go get barbecue from three different spots And then do a blog Yeah, you can get leads barbecue in three different nights. That's what you're gonna eat. Anyway What do you mean? You're gonna eat fucking chicken and broccoli sticks fuck you

You see anybody chicken and broccoli sticks you stab me in the stomach. No, they don't have broccoli a barbecue. Thank God Well, I gotta take two steps to the rear and get out of here He's that moves are starting to kick in. You know, I'm sorry. It was great to talk to you and see you Talk to you. It was great to see you last week. I'm probably fulmer from the mouth. That's my nicotine gum Yeah, it's always good to see you. It was an adventure I'm gonna be out a couple nights this week I'll tweet it out. Let your motherfuckers know and that's it. That's that. Have a great week And now for a word from our sponsors Jack