Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Shut up, get high, and mind your business!

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Doing cocaine with your doctor, dosing Lee with edibles and mushrooms, Shane Gillis' redemption, what Joey Diaz wishes he had a chance to do in comedy...and much more! Have a laugh with us! Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code JOEY Support the show & bet $5 on the big game to get 200 instantly in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & press in code JOEY Support the show & get 10% off your entire Freeze Pipe order at https://www.thefreezepipe.com with code DIAZ  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

It's fucking cold out there. Is it really? It wasn't. It was nicer in Jersey than it is up here. It sucks up here. Yeah, it was fucking. It's been cold today, Jack. But I fell asleep outside today for a little while. Oh, yeah.

On your porch. Yeah. This is the second time in like four days. Yeah, that was out there waiting for the weed guy to come. He told me he'd be at 330. I went out there about a quarter of three because it was beautiful. I fucking thought like, oh, you're right. And I really, I just banged and came out and got some sun and it's all over. What's happening, you beautiful savages? It's Tuesday, February the 6th. The check-in is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, guys, it doesn't matter how old you are. Good sex is good sex. Blue Chew is here to make it awesome

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Without further ado, let's get this party started Jack I love your TVs run for your lives Jack I What up, Moog Tuesday February the 60 look at this Looking good. I got some sun this weekend. I know you were saying that you fucking balcony tremendous That that's like a real good. What do you what were you in like a chair or like a do you know how to hammock? Do you know I got a hammock what I got stuck in there two years ago?

What do you mean you got stuck at the head? Oh, I thought I was being fucking cute. I went out there one day was a beautiful day I Lay my wife's like we got a hammock now. So I went out there got on a hammock the problem was I couldn't get out of there I mean I was fucking I got into the middle of the hammock. I couldn't get out. I have the alpha She had to come out with mercy and they had to save me It was fucking tremendous. So I don't get I got two rockin chairs in the front of the house Yeah, and I just sit out there and me and my wife will talk, we'll drink fucking iced tea out there, talk shit for hours. It's fucking great to have. It

really is. Everybody on my block says we all wanted that house because it got so much sun in the front, you know? Oh yeah. It's great to have a little place to hang out or just do something. I'm not, I don't like doing a lot outdoors, but just be outdoors, smoke a joint or even just like, like you said, to just relax is nice. I'll tell you, you go in my backyard. It's fucking anodic. I'm back there. It's fucking freezing.

And it's freezing in my backyard and comparison to the front of the house. That's always getting beat up by sun. There ain't a fucking, there ain't a strand of sunlight. It covers the grass and stuff, but under the balcony, under the kitchen, there's no sun under there. You step out there, you fucking freeze to death. You know?

You were wearing a winter coat when I came over on Saturday night. Oh yeah, Saturday. Bro, once the sun goes down, it's all over the shop. That's a different fucking, and it was cool this weekend. It was warm. You had a nice warm weekend.

It's getting cold now at night, like a dropping. And you know what bothers me the most about all this chit chat? What, did I grow up in this fucking weather? I walked miles in this weather. I drank beers in this weather. You know, I remember falling asleep on a quailude one night in the coldest night in January

and still having fingers the next day with no gloves on. You know. And it's crazy how I go out now for two minutes and I'm fucking, it baffles me that I lived in Aspen. I skied, I fell on wet snow. I fell you know and I go outside. I can't even go to a cold pool No, it just bothers the shit out of me Because you're not used to like the cold anymore after like 30 years in LA whatever was no no what the fuck happened And my bones just got warmed up. I go to a crowd therapy place. I do the red light sauna

I have not yet to fucking go in that freezer and I need it all the time in LA Didn't you yeah, because it's 80 degrees out. So it's like fucking heaven in those things But when I it's only warm six months of the year and it's fucking, you know, it just it's different. We change. I don't know I wasn't in in The jersey for that long, but even in the city. I like I would like I because I had a sweatshirt and jacket on I was sweating on the trailer. It was It was like doing all like I did like I think I did like 20,000 steps. I bet you did one day It was just fucking it was fucking awesome

But I was surprised to be sweating and I guess it was February,, it was fucking awesome, but I was surprised to be sweating and I guess it was February, but it was every time I go, I just, I love New York more. It was a- I can do, man. New York is cool. I gotta go into the city tomorrow. Oh yeah?

Yeah, I'm excited. I'm gonna go do a podcast, talk to some boys. I'm gonna start going in maybe Wednesday night. My friend's doing a show in the city, you know, but a lot interesting things happen man. I I didn't know listen I don't know what's going on. I know that fucking America's bombing the Hoochies or something like that now But I also read this morning that and I think this is great That Shane Gillis is hosting Saturday Night Live.

Yeah. You know, it's funny that when they fire him before the pandemic, right? In the beginning of the pandemic. I think it was like 19, 2019 is what I saw. Yeah, and it was over a podcast he did, where he said some racial stuff about some Asian people, you know, and they got rid of him and look what he did. He didn't fucking

die he rose to the top, you know and Whatever canceling means or Whatever any of that stuff is When the cream rises you're not gonna stop it with a cancellation unless you hit a little lady in the head and raped her. Yeah, I mean, you hit her in the head with a hammer and you're raped. But I mean, you know, some of these some of these cancellations have been fucking weird. But his cancellation was early on. It was for something he had said on a podcast, which listen, if you look up those church podcasts,

I said a lot of bad stuff on those podcasts, okay? And some of the stuff I'm not proud of. And if you look at it, you go, what made me say it? Okay, I'm in the moment, I'm throwing it, and you happen to, something slips out or something like that. What made me say it? Okay, I'm in the moment. I'm throwing it. And you happen to something slips out or something like that. Anybody who knows me knows what my intentions were. And when you're doing a podcast in 2019, and maybe the podcast was a year old or something,

I don't know. Things change very quickly. And people who weren't on board got thrown off board for no reason But these people didn't give up, you know, there's I can name ten comics that included myself that they tried to jade them off but you're not doing nothing to me because hard work is More than your fucking stupid critique of something I said years ago Right, I'm not to pick when somebody has to pick a scab

From years ago. It's not good It's not I don't know if you saw they just made a video I think Lewis Gomez retweeted it It was like everyone who talk not everyone but a lot of the big people who talked shit about Shane was like everyone who talk, not everyone, but a lot of the big people who talk shit about Shane, like with like the headlines and like now like they got fired or they don't work there anymore or like their show failed and now Shane is, and I don't know if you saw this, like within the like last two weeks Bud Light signed him too. So like in the last week or or two it's been like two of the biggest things in the whole world want to work with him and that clip didn't go away

listen man redemption is a it's a great feeling when you did something it was a mistake and some people lost their fucking panties over it. For no reason whatsoever, it had nothing to do with them or whatever. And then you come back and go, listen, I'm back bitches. And I got my thumb on you because I know all the motherfuckers that talk shit.

So now you gotta bring me water and coffee and move my toes. And then you got to bring me water and coffee My toes and then you got the other Chinese kid outside my life That you know, he distances himself away from everybody, you know last week It was Haley the week before it was fucking Somebody else's on the show and he didn't want to be close to him. You know, who the fuck do people think they are anymore? well, and I mean, when you compare like podcasting to stand up, like when you're on stage, all like all your brain is thinking about is like, say something funny. So like it like when you first started stand the podcast, I mean, was it like similar?

Like it's not like you're thinking of like, Oh, is this 100% accurate or oh, is this what I believe in? Like when you were starting the podcast, you're just like, is this funny? Like that's what I imagine happens. My first three months of podcasting was like everybody else. You know, you don't even know what you're doing. You have no idea what you're doing. He got somebody who you thought would be a good guest and

you did the best you could. Sometimes you got conversations. I enjoyed podcasting from 2010 to 2019 when we got out of that office. Well, the last six months in the office were rough, but it was really an enjoyment because you get to talk and tell your truths and talk about your life and whatever. And then, you know, it was great. I mean, for both sides, because we were just learning. because we were just learning. Everybody was just fucking learning.

And then five years later, the podcast police comes up. Yeah, and they're fucking talking shit. And it was, listen, man, the podcast police of people who just wanna be roguing and they can't figure it out. it's very sad when it's become. I can't imagine what's coming down his way now with the second deal from Spotify, you know. But God bless him. God bless him.

He opened up a new range. You know, this was a great thing podcasting. Not everybody's doing it It's taking the the thrill away the dangerousness, you know, right? I enjoyed podcasting because it was very dangerous like you could just you know one minute We were talking next minute. We're doing a hit of acid You know we're talking to a hooker and a pimp from fucking Nevada, I mean it was just surreal.

But then like again, it's like everything else, the podcast police came out and oh, you know, you said is dirty this and it's like they never understood what this was really about. It's just two fucking three, four people talking for an hour as a form of entertainment Some people are better than others You know, it's so funny. I did that podcast. I don't know 90 days With Felicia, okay And we were kind of scratching the surface we were doing this we were doing that We were doing this we were doing that

Until this day I still remember when it happened when I just said did I ever tell you about the hooker I mowed? And I and I still remember she had the microphone blocks The right you can't spit on the mic and At one point after telling the story, I looked from behind the mic And she was fucking blown the fuck away like her face was like and That was the day I knew that I did a cat Williams when cat Williams talked about Michael Jackson And he got the room crazy, right? That's the same thing. I did that day and I liked it. I

Told the story that I knew What either killed me or fucking saved me and it saved me And I think Like getting back to like with like Shane and stuff. Isn't that like kind of the goal like yes Even even if like you are gonna offend some people, it's only gonna, like when you get canceled, it only shows more people who think you, the way you do who you are. So like that, I don't know Shane,

I've never said one word to him in my entire life, but I would imagine that SNL thing helped him. It did. He put out a special on YouTube. He was the first guy to hit like a million in like a fucking day Mm-hmm, and he took chances Because he had nothing to lose and The right I didn't really ride him for being a racist or anything

You know he was doing the Trump impression and I think that all fucking got rolled up into one but Shane's a great comic he's right now he's really happening as young guys I mean I really like what he's doing he's a fun guy he loves to fucking drink and party you know he's down there with Rogan having a great time in Austin during the week and That's a spot a lot of young comics want to be at You know, I mean, I I know you're looking at that going wow. I wish I could do this in 10 1512, you know, and you never know Lee. It's all up to you

Right comic. You're your biggest fucking enemy You know, it's like shadowbox when you watch Creed and he tells the kid the shadowbox. He goes this is gonna be a tough as opponent That guy that that guy controls it all you know, and it's really it's the truth You know, I was telling you on the phone that Saturday when you came here after the dojo with comedy and we got fucked up. Oh yeah. I got some more of these gummies here. All right, can you at least tell me

how much those really are now? First off, I found out to my, because I went on their website, they're Delta nine. Okay. And it's 25 servings. You know, with Delta nine, I can't really tell. It said CBD, oh, CBD per serving,

less than 10, THC perC preserving 25 milligrams. Okay, well, and how much was the ABX that I had? Who knows? They're in a box. Yeah. Exactly. Those next 50s, hundreds, 25s. Yeah. Okay. Every time you stick your hand in there, you got a different fucking surprise. That's not what you said up until right now No, I told you it's a 50 because the the angrier ones This was the lat no, I think I have two more fifties left. Oh, of course I like that you said you're gonna eat

another 50 But then you ate the mushroom caps. Yeah, those mushrooms are fire. Yes, they are Holy shit, yes, they are I thought I fucking I had a like a real long talk with my I was I fell asleep in the bathroom a couple of times Delta 9 the ABX the mushroom caps You didn't know whether you were coming or going. It was like me when I did Rogan Between the chewing tobacco the whiskey the reefer and the fucking smelling sauce I'm on a different fucking level I'm on a different time zone. You know I'm saying you don't even know it then but when you leave that

And wake up the next morning. Yeah, yeah, I was fucked up last night. I'm still fucked up now. Oh That's because you are not in training. You don't train. No one can train for that. Yes, you can. No, you can't. Right now the Russians fucking sat me down and said, bring me to your leader who will give you a TAC.

I got them for two days. For me. But yeah, even if you wanted to give them, you'd probably take the free edibles. But no one's have no rush is never gonna do that Why would they just not kill you? Why the what are they gonna give you edibles for? What about these bad the Hooties over there? Listen, I don't think the Hooties if you gave a Hootie an edible they freak out What they've never had an edible before what if China invades Taiwan and you got to go over there and you

Use your $10 bag iron one. You're not gonna do it people shooting missiles and shit. Yeah That's why you're always in training Popping sick like today. I opened up with four ABX's I just want to but not I was like I ain't got time for this. I gotta get ready My brother Lee I just stuck my hand in there for them came out boom. They could be 400 milligrams. They could be 800 milligrams But wouldn't you like to know? Not really. What do you want to know? He wants to know what what is it? How's it gonna change? You know everybody wants to change a lot. It could be anywhere from 200 to 800.

That's a big change. At four in the mornings with the lights on and you're staring, you got a bag of popcorn all over the floor and chocolate buns. Yeah. Does it, if I tell you, all right, Lee, there was only 200 milligrams. It's gonna make you feel any better.

It's gonna make me feel better, but I'll explain some stuff. I scared people on the train. Two different people moved away from me. Two different people, like, no, I can't sit next to that for four hours. Why? What were you doing? Well, I got that and I was on the nicer train, like the Ocella, for the first time, which was great. I don't remember much. And I get that I have a week's worth of clothes. So I was putting the suitcase up and this tall guy had to help me.

That was also fucked up. I think it's amazing that I even made it on the train, by the way. And I put it up and he like sees me sit down and take all my shit off. And he just like turned around and found another one. But then it got busy and like, cause I got on in Jersey, we got to Manhattan and this dude sat next to me for like a stop-ish. And then when I went up to use the bathroom, I came back and he was gone.

Like he was like, no, we didn't get to another stop. So he definitely didn't get off the plane. I mean, I'll get off the train. But yeah, I was, dude, I just didn't, I couldn't stop eating. I got a cheese plate on the fucking train. I couldn't put oh my god, I couldn't stop with the grapes and the peanuts and shit.

I never ate you with three almonds. I don't want to. The almonds and the grape like I'm Julius Caesar. Hit me with the goodie good. Yeah, go get that goota in that element They always give you one cracker to like they did It's like dog go get the other fucking cracker get me to to wash the cracker down Yeah, there's always that one piece of cheese that's disgusting. Do you gonna eat cuz you're high? It's like yellow cheddar

You know eat this fucking tooth breaker without a fucking cracker. Yeah, can you say what to the end? Yeah, they could be like a little Swiss, a little Gouda, and then they give you two crackers, three almonds, and a grape. And I'm supposed to be fucking tip top my go. Get the fuck, go in the back and get the rest

of that cheese board. Let's cut this motherfucker up, Jack. Jesus. And I I didn't prepare for the cause I didn't honestly, I didn't think I was going to see Saturday night because like, oh, it's going to be. I'm not going to get back to midnight. I called you and you're like fucking every Saturday at midnight. I remember when I got it was great. And we took it and you're like, listen, I got to go to sleep

and you got to get home before this stuff starts to kick in and I honestly think that mushrooms might be somehow connected to the universe because they did wait until I got back to my hotel But I also I never hit every green. I hit every green on The way home from the hotel to the hotel Every green and then there's something about New Jersey that I Unlike it's not like a highway, but an in-between highway when you're coming in from like the side streets They don't have ramps. It's just like you got to take a right from a stop sign on to like a basically a highway people doing 60 and

When you're a little bit stoned that shit's terrifying and Look, there was no one there. It was fucking. What are you looking at? Done. Oh, my God. Yeah. I just want to really mean what I was saying. You know what I'm saying?

I barely made it to your house. Like I didn't I had like I never leave packing to the last minute. Oh, and the one who looked too good when you got here. I was gonna say just take the 430 Relax it back watch some tennis You know because you don't even know what you want when you wake up. You're gonna. Yeah, you just miss the soup. Oh really? Oh Yeah, I had no idea I couldn't even watch the People I think I think they were scared because on the train I like I couldn't even handle looking at my phone

Like I just sort of but I wasn't like you can't really sleep on the train because I get there moving and talking so Grams to mushroom cap what the fuck first of all you just admitted that it was at between 75 and no 400 200 I got a hundred but not many left because you ate them all and I had some 50s and I threw them in the bunch So there had to be 10 50s in there Maybe 75 and 125. No wait yeah you wait 75 or 125 that ain't enough and 25

ABX and then well those mushrooms are just you don't know what's in those camps I've never had just two caps by the way. I get no credit from you. I ate those with not no not one problem problem I saw you chewing and fucking stuttering and you choose But did I did I puke I didn't even gag for you. No, you didn't puke Yeah, you wanted to give me honey that was full of THC or no other mushrooms or something It was a gram of mushrooms. It's the same people, you know Fung factories that I'm sure them that I'm sure it's great. It tastes great and helps, but I'm not adding more mushrooms to my mushrooms.

What's a gram on two caps? What's it going to do to you? What again? What do you mean? What's it going to do? How's it going to deter you from your mission? That's what I'm saying. I don't want to know why I ask questions Because you have to know what you're taking when my friend used to go to those satanic rituals

They just give you something When you take it they give you something to drink you drink it you see the devil and and you go home Yeah, but why are you going to satanic rituals like that's not a good example of you not me our friend? I'll tell you I know that I know not you I hope not you but You can't like you're using that as an excuse of why you don't ask Don't ask. What do you want to know? What's a difference between 10 milligrams and 50 if I give it to you a lot For people I think yeah, I talk to people every week now about this and for if you go from 10 to 50

That's like going from you're lifting five pounds to you're lifting 300 pounds Yes, and no Yes, and no you ain't lifting no weights cocked up. No, I'm not but I'm also not eating What do you I have a lot of experience eating this many edibles and not knowing what it's in the package And you still here I am still here. I'm mad at your fucking soldier. Well, no, I'm not saying I'm gonna die But I'm gonna say on the up enough Yeah, what do you complain about? No one's complaining. I'm just Everybody needs to know everything what time to play and get there. What's the size of the engine?

You know, how many people fit in the back? What if what if what if you shut the fuck up Get high and mind your business look straight You don't want to know nothing You wouldn't be on this fucking plane anyway with the rest of these retards Oh, you know the plane with with the rest of these retards. Oh. You'd be on a plane with the fucking King of England with his little prostate cancer flying around

the fucking world. Speaking of that, I haven't even got to tell you this yet. I don't know what it is about me, but I picked the wrong doctor. He's a nice guy, but I think I have to find a new doctor. A. He stuck a finger in your ass. No. I get there. He's a very nice guy. He's missing a tooth. He's missing the front tooth. He's and I don't know. That should have, I should have ended with that one. And I tried to keep a straight face

and he was a very nice, he seemed like he knew what he was talking about, but he was just that, that tooth is an interesting tooth that we're missing like the very front. And then he dropped, like he, whenever I tell people like the, what do you do? So I, I've been,

maybe it's a mistake to tell people you're trying to be a comic. I try to, you know, make small talk. Don't bring that up no more. I'm not going to. He started telling me his own jokes. Yeah, don't. And like, he dropped retarded.

He just, like, in the middle of, like, getting my vitals. You know, some of my jokes are a little off color. I said, I don't, what am I gonna say? I don't mind, but it's also not something I'm used to hearing my doctor say Are you fucking crazy? Is he a good doctor? He's missing the tooth. Listen For some reason you always know how to pick winners whether it's doctors

You know you always kind of by the way, you're the guy today chicken wings of the 50 cent concert So, you know, and that was good. Oh, that was the best call of my night That's even worse chicken fingers and a 50 cent concert first off very racist I didn't make I didn't make the menu. I just ordered it. I had the avocado toast with the rest of avocado toast in Connecticut. I don't know what to tell you Lee. A doctor would have missing fucking tooth. Yeah. Now why didn't he shove it? He took the blood out today. He

checked it yet. He checked my bottles. My my surprisingly my blood pressure was okay. I was fucking worried about that. He took the blood he's gonna you know, we're gonna meet but I don't know if I can go back Let me ask you a question. Did you go to one of those quick centers? No, I went to a lady that's a thing When I since I moved back from LA like I haven't I have insurance I do I went to like an actual doctor

I went to like a doctor website to try to find like the reviews and he had all five star reviews. Did they have a picture of him? It did, but he had the tooth at that point. They always try to trick me. I got catfished by my doctor. Bro, the doctor with a missing tooth. I had a doctor with a co-condition.

He was a great fucking doctor. I used to just bump into him in the city at night and he'd be as coked up as I was Would be still your doctor wasn't it was it your childhood doctor like another yeah, my childhood doctor all the way to like I went to Colorado He was my doctor till 85 I Was trading them eight balls for steroids at the end For a prescription of anavar from my friends and I get them to give me an eight ball and I give it to the doctor But we're still going to him as like an actual patient or was he just to get steroid

I was going to him as a patient, but I also bumped into him at night and talked to him And I said my friends needed steroids and he goes come on by Didn't make you nervous getting like a shot from him if he's on coke always Oh, maybe that's why you're afraid of needles one time. He shot me with coke when I was like Oh Real quick, let me give a shout out to draft Kings and when I get back I'll tell you that story, right? I'll be right back with your cock suckers. The Super Bowl is coming Hey, what's going on looking for a super offer for Super Bowl 58? Uncle Joey's got it for you and it's draft King sportsbook the official sports betting partner of the NFL has your cover

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All right, when I was like, I didn't, I moved to New Jersey when I was 10. Okay. Three. But before that lived on 88th street and I still remember being, let's say six. Okay. And that's when doctors used to make house calls with 35 fucking bucks. They were coming from the house because my friends used to make house calls So they get a doctor's note and then go back to school when I was growing up you need a doctor's note for everything

If you played hooky you need a doctor's note. So doctors notes were big. They were flat 25 If the doctor came to your house to write it was 35 That's not bad. That's a complete different animal. I'm just trying to educate the fucking audience here. Right. So, so,

he would come over, I knew him. His name was Orlando, Dr. Dovali. And I still remember him coming over, you know, sticking the fucking, the momma under my tongue, and then checking my lungs, and then taking his glasses off, and going, oh, Sontonio.

Temperature, this is what's going on. I'll give you a shot, and it'll be over by tomorrow. And right there is when I would start. I don't want a shot. And my mother would start, shut the fuck up, you now it's starting. I don't want a shot and My mother would start shut the fuck up. You're getting a shot. I don't want a shot. I'm not it's gonna hurt I don't want a shot. It's gonna hurt And that's where which I would just say it's gonna hurt in Spanish over and over me while a little

Me while a little me while a little like a fucking human retard so I Would say them why don't you. So I would say to him, why don't you go outside for 10 minutes? Let me think about it. And they would go out and then my mother would offer him something to eat and a beer. And then my stepfather would be there with these fucking idiots and another friend.

And they'd be out there drinking. He'd come back like a half hour later. Are you ready for the drink? Now this age? I already knew my my parents were doing something Creepy because I was in the bathroom putting shit in their nose Her friends I knew something was going up with that shit in your nose I just didn't know what it was and then when he would tell me I'm gonna come back in 20 minutes And he wouldn't come out I got to the living room to see what was going on and obviously there'd be a piece of aluminum foil out in the table and Orlando would

be doing bumps with my mom and Nelson and fucking you know and next thing you know he'd come into the room all fucking banged up and they have to give me a shot two hours later he was hammered and I sit there and my mom would hold me down. Nelson, you know, the guy who was my partner at the dry cleaning, my stepfather would grab one leg and they'd shoot me in the ass. And then he'd leave my mom a penicillin bottle and a syringe.

Fuck. And then the next day, my mom would shoot me. So I'd be walking around for a week with two purple fucking ass cheeks, one on the right and one on the left. I knew that guy forever. And it ended bad because he had a son my age who was stealing his prescription.

Okay. Taking him to disc attacks and he lost his license. I spoke to him maybe 15 years ago. He was in Miami at a bar with a friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in a year. This guy, I think he's dead. But what are you going to fucking do? But anyway, that night, Saturday, I always felt very disappointed because you were playing the goju, the doju of comedy. From what I hear, it's a great club. You liked it.

It was fantastic. Matt, whatever his name was, Brenner was at Bananas, and he had invited me up. And I could have gone up there on Friday and gone and hang out with you Saturday, but I was like, it's Lee's first time featuring there. If I go there, they're gonna want me to go up. I'm not gonna rule I'm not

gonna let Lee have his fucking night and then Thompson girl was Atlantic City I could have gone down there and done 10 minutes in front of 2,000 people but I opted to go to black Betty's in fucking New Jersey what I didn't know is the strip club was in the basement it's a. It's a it's a strip bar. Right. The comedy room is in the basement. It seats like 20 people. Maybe 20 people could stand, you know. I didn't know this. I'd never been there. I had never known black Betty existed. I went there a couple of Thursdays ago because they have an open mic on Thursday. Okay. And I was kind of scared. I pulled into the parking lot.

I tried off the fucking nine north. I pulled into the parking lot and I saw a rat run across. And I kept thinking about the ACBC song Night Prowler. A rat runs down in LA. And a chill comes down your spine. I'm like, you know what? I ain't going in there. And I'm in my cord dress that I went and I didn't see any comics Because it's downstairs Oh, that place got it. So you don't even have to walk to the strip club. So I my I didn't know if I was going for sure I

Knew I wanted to get out of the house Saturday night and because I didn't I Couldn't get out Thursday night they cancel the show and point pleasant I couldn't do anything Friday night. They canceled the show in Point Pleasant. I couldn't do anything Friday night. I had my daughter. And then Saturday, I said, fuck it, I gotta do something. Dan Florentine, Uncle Dan, called me. He goes, I'm over here at the comedy show with my wife at the strip club.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing at the strip club? You're like, he was downstairs. He goes, it's not upstairs, it's downstairs. You know, I went there and I saw a lot of young comics and it was exactly what I wanted from a room. Oh, cool. It was very why did I like it because it was very easy for me to go hang out with you. A bright orange with an audience that 90% would know me or be even nicer to go to AC and be in the green room

and eat food and come out and do 2,000 people. I could have done that. But right now I don't need that. Right. I wanted to get away from, I need to get inspired, you know? And if anything that inspires you more is the basement of a strip club Inspiration that you either got to get funny

Or you're gonna be stuck at the basement for the rest of your life And I gotta tell you I went to see my friend Christie Miller I've known Christie from the comedy store from 97. She opened up for Paul Mooney She was also a disciple of Paul Mooney's When we had and I hugged, I whispered in her ear, if you shake your family tree, a black man will fall out. We almost fell over. But she said something that night that was very true.

I watched another comic go up. I watched her go up. I saw a comic that had been doing comedy for two months go up. And I saw a comic that had been doing comedy for two months go up and I saw a guy had been doing comedy for like six weeks go up Wow and I Said what else do you have tonight? She goes nothing? She goes I could have done a spot at the New York comedy club or something But she goes you know what these little rooms sometimes it's where the magic happens

And she was right she was because you have no Expectations and there's nothing to be more like why do you think the magic happens there? Oh Remember I used to what's the square root of stand up? I don't know. It's you making the audience laugh. OK, with no what's the square root of it? It's it's it's me after you get to class with you and eight other guys just on the mat.

So I got beat up. This guy got me an arm bar. Lee could he least got the Hitler foot You know that is the beginning of standup It's us at a pizza parlor when we're 14 and we're talking about our mother or brother or that fucking kid That has the shop right sneakers and then I graduated to a bus. I was on a bus for two years, telling stories with kids going up and down in the morning and at night, busting junkies balls.

And then it just got bigger, your audience gets bigger, and then you're on a stage. And the first time I got on stage, there was 100 people on stage. The next night, then you're on a stage. And the first time I got on stage, there was a hundred people on stage. The next night, there was 35 people on stage. And like a week later, I was back down to four. You know, my point is the square root of comedy is you coming to get entertained and me making you laugh,

regardless of who's there. You went to the movie theater, they were sold out for the movie you wanted to see the next one wasn't starting till fucking 1040 But the comedy club is starting at 830 Let's see who's there. There's no YouTube Right. There's no Tom Segura. There's no Joe Rogan, there's no Dave Chappelle. It's just a guy you never saw before. And you go in there to get entertained.

It's so cool that people come out to shows like that because I would never think to go to a show like that, but like I'm so thankful that people come out to shows like that. Listen, there's people that like to go to Massive Square Garden, there's people that like to go to massive square garden. There's people that love to go To an arena. There's people who love to go to rascals or the stress factory or uncle Vinnie's uncle Dino's But at the same time there's people who just want to go to a bar sometimes Mm-hmm. They really don't want to buy two drinks You know, maybe they don't drink. Right. This but the bottom line is they went there to get fucking

entertained. And not, you know, dog. I could tell you a thousand things. Everybody I saw that night. They were rocking. They really were. No, the first stripper that came downstairs, the cocktail waitress, right? Scared the fuck out of me cuz her suit her stripper suit was as real as it got

She had by the web suit with a little cup Holding a little monkey and two little things on a tits and it was wrapped around with strings and shit She was good- looking at one time, you know, like she's still look good. No, I'm not. No, no, no, you can tell the way you said it was very funny. She was like something hot in high school. Yeah. And she had a kid started drinking, maybe did meth. Things worked out the way they did. But she looked good. She was there. She had the spider suit on. I was like, I didn't know if it was topless. I didn't know. But they were waitresses or they were dancers

who would come down to waitress in between their sets to make extra money. It was surreal, man, but it was real comedy. I got in that car and I felt so good about myself. Because I could have gone anywhere. Yeah. But I went to a place that I could have got COVID. You know, that's how many people in a small space. And the whole time I'm like, this is what comedy was. And I'm looking at these young guys and I'm like, that was me 30 years ago. What is it, 24? 30?

That's 94? Yeah. Once I got the grasp of it, like I told you, my first two years, I didn't know dick. Once 94 came, I started timing my sets and writing little tags and, you know, it takes time, you know, so. Now, like you made it to, almost the top, I think, the highest for stand up. When you like, look, look, do you regret

not doing more of those rooms? Like when you were doing it, like when you were doing it full time, like should people keep doing rooms like that their whole career? What, the little rooms? Yeah. Well, you saw me at the fourth wall with you.

Right, which is unique. Like most people wouldn't do that either. And I was at spots at the store and at slappers and at whatever, you know, people could do whatever they wanna do, man. But I think once you, you're at the green room at the comedy store and you're one of the guys and you're getting 20 minutes and you're allowed to bump and you've done

movies and stuff like that. It's not about that anymore. It's about like I made a statement on Rogue in a couple weeks, I had 2000 people keep asking me, are you quitting podcasting? Are you quitting, I didn't say that. Right. I didn't say that. I said that it'd be nice to do standup with nothing else on your plate.

No acting, no fucking podcasting, no social media. Just tight for a year, get on stage 350 nights. How many days in a year? 365, yeah. 350, I'm going for 350 spots. If I do a double in a night, it counts as one. Really, okay. And, you know, for a year, focus on that

with nothing else on my mind. Just stand up. You're going to a comedy Boot camp that you're fucking teaching you're at a level in your career where you could you have the discipline to do that anybody does Anybody does Ari's kind of doing that right now. Don't you think I mean he's a guest on podcast sometimes But he kind of get he doesn't do his podcast anymore and he's he's doing a theater tour right now Listen, it's you know, we've you know, I talked to him all the time about little

And we've discussed it just at one point in your career. I mean listen, bro. I've been doing it now 30-something years I've not in the proof to nobody. I really don't Right. What what do I have to prove you want me to go on arena tour? To prove to everybody that I'm on the top. That's not the top of your game Right, whatever the top of your game. That's just another avenue. That's opened up beyond the way up, you know Which is tremendous. I think it's an amazing fucking feat, but I didn't want to pack 18,000 people in there. I don't know, it just doesn't, something about it.

I'm still in love with the small room, Lee. I'm 34 years, cut the money in quarters. I'd rather do the small room where you feel them, they're on top of you. I don't know. I'm a fucking old man. What the fuck do I know? But I know that people doing Madison Square Garden

like it's nothing now. Yeah, they really, like I think Sebastian has like six or seven days there. Yeah. How's the score coming up? I have shows. You know, kill Tony, two shows. Yeah. That's impressive as fuck.

And I would love to do my assistant's square garden. I just don't have the energy to come up with 18,000 people at this point in my life. You know, I wish I did. That's a year of me fucking curating. Right. A year of me curating. And that's really a year of me curating because I would have to do sets and filly and shit and Jersey.

I couldn't do them in the city. I'm going to be there in September. I'm going to be there in October. So trust me, there's always a plan. It's interesting that you said like you'd love to do Madison Square Garden when you When you were like a young comic were there any clubs? I know you used to talk about circling in the newspaper But like when you were starting what what clubs or places did you really want to do?

Caroline's okay The Houston Laptop. Any club in LA, IGBI's, the comedy store, the laugh factory, the ice house, the comedy magic club, the before you got there, years before you got there, There was a club in the valley that guy was a thief There was an extra workout room There was one room that stuck out and it was so weird That when I had the opportunity to go there I went there because of that

Room there was something I always loved about the comedy underground in Seattle. Oh, yeah. Was that there when you were there? Yeah. Oh, please. That was there 3,000 years before I started comedy. But the other clubs I wanted to work, you know, when I got into comedy, the newspaper publication came out out of San Francisco. Okay. So it highlighted a lot of stuff in San Francisco. And then when things happened, the clubs that survived with a punchline,

the one on the Fisherman's Wharf. Not the improv or the. Really great club. I always bomb at it. I always cobs cobs There was a bunch of clubs up there. I wanted to get my name on you know But San Francisco was one of those cities that had like this unbelievable fucking Club scene and hit right when it was they did a national contest out of there and you know comics The headliners in in san francisco

Made money because people came out to see him and support that and they played oakland Like mark curry and they played You know fucking san francisco and concord and all those walnut You know, there was a punchline at Walnut Creek for a while That I got to play at and bomb four shows I'm always very grateful that that club closed down because The haunts the fucking ghost of my bombing would still want me over there. That's how bad I fucking bombed.

Oh no. Were you just very early on? Very early on. It was three years in, I was not prepared. The comic liked me so he brought me with him and I just made a fool of myself. Oh. And he gave me a chance a year later

and that club fell in love with me and I worked that club three weeks of the shot for years and I Was just thinking about about that this week because people always ask me like oh will you come here? Well, like I'm at a point where like I would love to do really anywhere and But there are like a few clubs that like, you know It was just like being in New York like seeing like the stand and the comedy cellar and like I was my hope

I just took a walk my hotel was right next to Gotham just place like places. I went to as a kid it just it just like Would be amazing and I would like I said I would love to do anywhere It's not against any other club, but just seeing like I had dinner at the place above the cellar just and I've heard comics talk about like hanging out there. And so it's just it's weird how like these places have an aura now. It's you know, I didn't like the dinners at places. I was too broke to have dinners at places.

But there were a lot of comedy clubs that I wanted to perform at for personal reasons. And yeah, I wish, you know, I got to perform at all the places I really wanted to. Yeah, I got to perform in like 40 states or something, which is pretty damn fucking good. And some of them were the hard ones, Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, they were fucking hard at that point in my career.

But I'm very grateful for that, that I had that toughness. A lot of them were Mormon rooms. You didn't know till you got there in Utah and shit like that. But the comedy clubs, yeah. And I got to headline the ones I wanted to, which was a dream come true. Because I was so stuck at feature for so many years.

And then I really wanted to work at headlining. So, yeah, I was good. I was very good. Trust me, what I had to work with. So yeah, I was good. I was very good. Trust me, what I had to work with, I did way better than other people with what they had to work with. And I had age against me, I had looks against me, I had fucking, you know, I was with shitty agents

till the end, but I always outworked my people. You gotta outwork the people that are working for you to let them know the type of character you are. Right. That's basically it, man. That's this is all about. This is what your journey is all about. Food for thought. Okay. I watched one of his tapes the other day, one of his things came up on Instagram talking about Mitch Hedberg. Okay. I really thought about Mitch for a little while.

I can remember him up in Seattle with Chad Hogan. Then later on the Mitch, things got bad and whatever, but the Mitch I remember from Seattle, 95, 96, 97, and one of the things he did that I wish I would have done that I always dreamt about on your own terms is go, rent yourself a fucking van. You could do for a month and plan out a route where you could hit a comedy club every fucking night. That sounds awesome. Okay, and I mean, you know, you're gonna start in Jersey, you're gonna go through Pennsylvania, go to Michigan.

The problem is if you do it in the summer, all the clubs close down because business, you know, it slows down. Right. But if you plan a perfect two month trip, two months, it's not about money. This is an investment in you. Renting a van, medium sized van.

You can put a little cotton there, a little Puerto Rican shower in the back, enough clothes to, you know, your computer obviously, ba, ba, and you put it all like, Allah dug stand-out. Right. And you do from fucking New Jersey, PA, Michigan's got a lot of comedy.

You go through Iowa, maybe, I don't know, I don't know what you wanna do, and then come back. And after that, like you leave and you've created so many leads, if you're gone for 20 days, if you're gone for 60 days and you hit 40 clubs, 10 of them aren't gonna like you. Right. But 30 of them are gonna be in contact with you. And even if 10 book you, you get your money back, not now, but in five years from now, Because you already planted your flag in these cities, which are obviously very hard to grow at.

Yeah. That was always like, I looked into when we came back from LA, because like that, I don't know if you've heard like people talk about van life, but people are living in RVs and vans. So you could, the hard part for me would be getting into actual clubs. Like I could, I think it would be a little easier to like, you know, do throughout the week, do open mics and then try to match it up with a club. No, my name is Lisa. I'm working with a guy that's going to help me and call these clubs and go, he's coming through. If he could just do a guest setting in your club. You know what?

We have an opening that night. One of those, does he have 45 minutes? Yeah. You're gonna get a couple gigs, but most of them you're gonna go in there with a clean mind. Your set is just to go in there and destroy him and make a contact. People are like you, they're gonna go,

wow, nobody comes through here no more. That's a forgotten art. People don't want to do that no more. I love doing that. I would book a room somewhere to purposely get a guest set at a different place. Really? Yeah, I wasn't just setting on the hundred. I wasn't going there. I was gonna lose money anyway. Right. You give me 75 bucks to come to your one nighter and fucking whatever

But I'd always call the club and see if I can I come in early and do Friday night. Yeah. Oh It's crazy that you're saying this I'm doing that next month. I'm doing a couple shows in Minnesota, and I'm getting to go to Acme so but it's in Minnesota and I'm getting to go to Acme. So, but it's, let me ask you this, because you're just talking about like showing up at clubs like that. When you were doing shows, did you ever, like when did you start working on stuff at big shows?

Because like I was talking with another comic this weekend about it and we're at a place right now where like we're just doing like the A list, like the ones we know will work. We want the clubs to know that we're actually funny versus like working on stuff in between. So you were around me for a long time. I'm not going up on stage unless I drop something on it. Right.

Always trying something, even the idea. Okay. The idea, like the idea, something happened last night or something that, you know, I don't know, something I wrote it down. Just the idea. I don't have a joke for it, but I know there's something that Wow, go through and even if it's a throwaway The world is going to shit look this that and then throw that joke away And I guarantee by you just mentioning that you're gonna get three people gonna giggle because they saw the news Okay, so from there, you know Lee

Your goal every night is to be funny Okay, you know what's working and you know what's not. If you got 14 minutes of solid fucking material, you really have 30, but your first 14 of fire, don't book a guest set for 20 minutes. Book a guest set for fucking 10, where you could fit the 14 in and destroy them. This is the kind of shit that you have to look at objectively

and go, what do I really have to offer this joke about this is fluff. It's funny though, when I was watching those young open mic is the other night. I did find something I was saying to myself, throw that joke away to them. No, I would never say to them. I was saying to them personally, but about them to myself, right? I would throw that joke away. I would throw that joke away I would take that joke and add this to it Like I was saying that to myself constant some there, but I would save that for the end It's a little too blue up front like I was doing that just to and that's what I wanted to do How cool okay basics you want to get back to bed? I'm not there putting anybody down

No, I didn't think that at all Nothing bothered me more That when I was doing comedy three years, there was always that one guy that came over Yeah, you know, I just opened up for Ron White. You shouldn't use that joke You know, I did at the improv they didn't want to hear it I just opened up for Ron White. You shouldn't use that joke. You know, I did it at the improv. I didn't want to hear it. Cause you suck. You didn't mean to.

I'm not dead of ever. Like I, I, I tend to away from that shit with everybody. Cause that's, I know I don't like people mech-ing around with it. No, I never thought you would, would talk shit about someone some I don't know if you were like thinking about your own jokes Or if you were thinking about their jokes, but that's That's really cool that like you found Like so I guess are you close to halfway done with these ten sets? Is that I would say you're probably maybe even passed it

I think I'm on five or six How is it go like overall is it going in the way you wanted it to go? Like how is it looking? Yes. It's going the way I wanted it to go. Apps are fucking loopy. I took my time, I didn't force anything,

I didn't go anywhere where I didn't belong. I might do something Wednesday night to help a friend out and to go check out this club. And that'll be my first lurking night, you know, that I lurk outside my usual Thursday, I got somewhere to go this week. I got two places to go. Nice. And then, uh, yeah, you know, I'm always looking, man. If something fits, boom, I'll show up and do 10.

You know, but I can't put myself in like weird positions either. What do you mean by that? Like yeah, not as I was leaving 20 of those open mic is one of pictures and I'm like guys. Oh, yeah comedians knock the fuck off I'm not sitting here This is the shit you do when you get paid for a show. Right. I'm not going to be out here for an hour. I got to go home. The honeymoon is just starting. Lee's coming over and that's the truth. I had to go. I didn't know if you were gone your way. I didn't know if you were going to call me when you were in the neighborhood. I didn't want to bother you. So but no, it's definitely going how I wanted to go I

Think the fourth set I did a little stutter step Okay home and I'm catching it's like the other the other had a great set of strip club There was one thing I mumbled there was one thing as I was doing it. I go on fucking it up It's a good premise I got to go into a little better and I came home and worked on it that night. So It's working out great. It would have been It would have been nice to see Tom and Matt Fultron, right? Great to see Brian Anderson would have been great to see you on stage in your natural habitat

But at the same time, I got to get this handled. And the quicker I get this handled, the quicker I can make different moves. Yeah. Like I said, I'm broken. I could see myself doing a residency. Something really cool. But that's it. I'm not traveling. Oh yeah. I don't, I don't expect you to try. I just places that I do miss, you know? Oh yeah.

Yeah. I would love, I'm definitely going back to JRE, like, well, not to do the podcast, but to try those three nights. I'm definitely going to try it. And I, I always like going to Milwaukee one more time. Like a fat world tour. I got some cities picked like and I not even theaters. Even if it's a couple clubs I hit two nights. I don't know if I could do a late show anymore, Lee. You don't think so? I think you I mean, what is it about it that you're not sure?

Is it? So I want to give you energy. Energy. Yeah. I want to give you 150%. A sleepy Joe is not a good Joe. You know what I'm saying? We already have a sleepy Joe.

I know I could come out and give you one good fucking show. Right. Rather do that than Give you one really good one and one mediocre one. Because feeling tired at the end of your headlining. Like, you know what, man? I don't like I respect professional athletes. Uh huh. Because they got to go cold during commercial breaks. They got to go cold. I hate cold. After

your first show, you get off stage, you go in the green room. Maybe you get something to eat. Maybe you smoke a joint, you go to the bathroom, you toss some water on your face, and you still got 45 to an hour to wait. Right. Okay, got it. You sit down, you're talking to your friends. People come into the green room. You're talking to them. Your muscles get tight. Your back gets tight. I know when I do in two shows a night, I would get back to my room and I figured this out.

Why my legs were so tight at the end of once I would go back to my hotel room. Why am I so tight and then I figured out because when you're on stage your feet Clamp into the stage. You're protecting your boundaries. No, you're doing this This is the unconscious shit you do as part of you stand up, you know, I would always stand one leg at like a guard attack I'm not gonna stand with both feet even because that's how Frank Mia got Brock Lesnar. You know what I'm saying? You always gotta stand with one foot in front of the other, one low.

I would go back to my room and I would go, what the fuck? And then I started lifting weights and I figured out why I was so sore. Very interesting, you know, I wear a whoop when I go on stage now. Very interesting what you find that about yourself. Oh, I'm sure. If you do 30 minutes, if you do 30 minutes or more with the whoop on, okay, it becomes an activity. Okay, it pops up by itself and they'll go, what's

this activity? You put standup comedy and then it processes And when the results come back you're gonna go what the fuck was that your heartbeat was at 90% of your usual range That when you're doing this exercise like what are you talking about you burned 800 calories? 400 calories You know, it's like I'm lifting weights on stage. I'm breathing my arms beaten. Yeah. I'm there. I'm living it. I'm living it. And that's why you burn 800 fucking calories in 45 minutes. I can throw punches for an hour when not burn 700 calories. I go to fucking juj Jitsu. I gotta roll 10 times to burn 700 calories.

Yeah, Josh, Josh switches shirts in between shows. Cause he like sweats. Yeah, I don't sweat no more. I don't do drugs. So, when I was doing coke, I was sweating up a fucking storm out there. But yeah, I'm all right now. What do you got this week?

Beautiful. This week I'm going to the Buffalo Helium Thursday through Saturday with Josh. Oh, that's a good time. They don't have the beef on wick no more. And I think they took the wings off the menu at the club. Yeah. Oh, okay. You know where you got to go.

Oh yeah. I'm excited. Yeah, there's there's doffs and then there's a couple of out there. You're not going to the bar. That's where that many guns going. Okay. No more anchor bar. For the wings where it start.

That's where the wings started, but you're not going to go. Drive by beep the horn. Show some. You know what I'm saying? I can't wait. I'm excited for Buffalo. I bought great. Make sure you use Josh as a reference

The other Josh Buffalo Josh Potter. Yeah, the man is steel. Oh, yeah, and oh, yeah I mean, that's one of the ones that I'm excited about like I'm excited about all of them But I've heard you and like a lot of comics talk about the Buffalo helium for years. I Like it. I just read some comic went up there and it was awful. I'm like, I don't know what this guy's a premium. Don, I don't know what comic it was. I've always enjoyed the Buffalo crowds always. Yeah. Great.

They'll take the right way. You're not politically correct. You know, if it's real Buffalo, you'll be fine. And Buffalo is always Buffalo. It don't change. I'm so I comment. That's gonna be great. And let me see. I don't know where I'm gonna be, but I'm gonna be out twice

this week. You know, trying some stupid jokes. Just it's made me a better person recently. Just getting out, getting in the car, you know, getting in the car, you know, getting high, driving, stopping at Wawa. It's good for the soul, you know? So I'm doing great with it, brother, but yeah,

with February, I don't know how many dates you got this month. I got a couple of things going on. Oh yeah. Well, I have, I have, uh, I think this is yeah. Well, I do I have I have I Think this is it actually I think I have two weeks free right now, but the Buffalo one's a big one What else do you have? I don't have any shows. I just got you know, okay. No, I got no shows I'm just going off the seat of my pants Part of it now that feel like tonight's too cold. I wouldn't go anywhere to do comedy tonight. Oh No

No, it's too cold. That's Monday night. What's going on? Ain't nothing going on unless I go into the city I'm not going into this thing tomorrow. I gotta go there tomorrow and then Wednesday. I gotta be at the doctor at nine I got a hell of a fucking week. I suck it And I'll be in touch and I'll be in touch with you little bastards. What do you want me to say? I don't fucking know. I love you cocksuckers. Thank you for watching the check in today.

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