Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Testicle Testament: What If and Live Church of Whats Happening Now

Episode Date: May 1, 2015

This is the first time that Testicle Testaments and a live Church Of What's Happening Now podcast have ever been combined into one show. Joey opens up with a story about the choices you make in life and then we finish up with a live Church.     Recorded live on 4/29/15

what's up guys so I already have like half of a deco in me so this is gonna be quick and short thank you guys for coming out this is brand new even if you've been here before for a live podcast we're gonna do some stories for us the testicle testament so let me just bring them up joey Diaz what's happening you bad motherfuckers one more time for the man the man is still Lisa at the coolest fucking Jew working what's happening you bad motherfuckers everything good good to see you everything's beautiful thank you for getting here obviously got here on time when my friend fucking that guy was

late he was stuck behind a little let me tell you what's destroying this whole fucking I love going out and driving cutting motherfuckers off but when it comes I tell you what hate these motherfucking Prius people do you not hate them you don't want to stab these motherfuckers in the face with a little fucking faggy car and the left hand lane doing 30 fucking speed limit really what that motherfucking cock sucker put another battery in that motherfucker kick it up do 90 I don't give a fuck I want to look like the Mad Max car I want to fucking go by the way don't go fucking see that movie that piece of shit fuck

them right motherfuckers that movie belong to Australians okay it belong to fucking Australians and then these fucking Gentiles stole it and fucking put CG nobody fucking died making the movie nobody even got a fucking cut fuck those motherfuckers listen let me tell you a story all right I was very fortunate to work with a guy that was the DP of fucking the original Mad Max and the Road Warrior and he told me the story at the end and I watched it last night was on L-Ray last night watched the end when Mel Gibson's driving a truck and he's fighting everybody he's got the little kid and the little kid

goes for the bullet and the guy's head pops up and they squished fucking tremendous scene but when the truck went off they thought they wanted the truck to flip so the guy that signed on had terminal cancer okay and the only reason why he signed down was because they were gonna live in 40,000 to his wife but he lived he did the fucking stunt and he lived that's a true fucking story you understand me so when you have that in the original movie because I was out listen I love Tom Hardy I fucking loved that motherfucker and Sharista Ron with a missing arm that's my world as soon as I saw that I'm like

this is this movies crack a lacking already she's got a missing she's a little hoof you know I'm saying I mean but once I saw the CGI and people flying through the air that's bullshit that a people died to make Mad Max they ran over sneakers and shit they went fuck Shug Knight with the fucking Mad Max Shug Knight could suck my dick you know how to run over nobody Mad Max knew how to run over motherfuckers bam disappear Shug Knight's an amateur that's not how you run over people the fucking drive-thru that's for pussies you got to hit a motherfucker on 405 like when he's walking with his gas can that's the

motherfucker you're gunning for you do a hundred just watch him explode bam all you see it's like an eyeball come back like what the fuck happened is shit I'm trying to teach you how to have fun you know I'm saying anybody can hit somebody doing ten if you're gonna like today right now on KTLA they're looking for somebody in Orange County who hit an old lady at a fucking McDonald's drive-thru just see it this morning for breakfast he backed that bitch up with the Mustang oh my god he got out looked and he looked at the wife he goes we got to go this bitch is fucked John Jones this bitch is dead I'm getting the fuck out

of here roller skates fucking John Jones went back to the car got his coke money and ran away how funny is that that's the type of shit I would do you know I'm saying like he ran away ran back got the coke money and then left and left the pipe that's what that would piss me off the most listen when I got arrested for kidnapping there's a true fucking story this is just this is to tell you motherfuckers I don't fuck around they knocked on my door I was sleeping off the coke and my friend anyway don't matter what his fucking name I forget what his name is he woke me up and he goes to the cops are at the

dealership they're three minutes behind me get up get up so I got up I got my money I got everything when I got across the street I ran across the street to a supermarket to call my at the time girlfriend and when I went in my she goes I can't pick you up for 35 minutes I was like 35 minutes the cops are at my house I could see the patrol car in front of the house and a detective car I go what am I gonna do and she goes we'll just sit by the thing get something they didn't put an all-white bulletin out of nothing that's bullshit that's to scare people on CSI put an all-white bulletin right so I'm sitting in like okay I'll

just get high but when I went in my pocket I had no weed guess what Uncle Joe he did I walked around the block to where I lived went through like three backyards with the cop in front of my house you understand me out there drinking coffee waiting for me to walk in the front like that I'm that type of a fucking moron so I'm gonna walk down the street whistling going back into my house I went through the back commando style going under wires and laundry and shit some fucking dog tried to bit me but I got back in my house and I got the pipe with the weed with the lighter I had like a little bag in those days I

put in my pocket I went back out the thing went back to the supermarket you never leave the weed okay you can leave you leave the kid fuck him let him get out he got legs he'll get out the weed don't got legs you know I'm saying last time I checked there's no app to fucking press to make your weed come downstairs you understand me they've invented everything that's the app I'm waiting for I left my weed at the house bam there it is writing your fucking iPhone and shit fucking John Jones amazing tremendous type of shit but I was thinking about Lee I was talking to

Lee one day we're just talking at the art to the podcast and Lee was telling me what happened what led up to him contacting me he said he was gonna go deliver pizza that day and that he had gotten a job delivering Pete he went to two interviews to tell the market and to deliver pizza and that he said fuck I'm just gonna send Joey Diaz a Facebook and see if he needs help and he sent the Facebook you know and I he said something that was really weird he goes you know how weird is that that for me sending a message all this happened like we did a special together we've done all this shit we got a podcast we're

consistent with just just being consistent guys is the hard enough thing but anyway and I went home and I thought about how many times have you guys done something where later on like years later you go man what made me go into that place like what made me you know I'm a fucking lazy piece of shit what made me really you question yourself you're like I didn't want to get a job like 10 years God knows what you guys will be doing but you know you all walked into a place and whatever happens you ever doubt you ever think like what made you walk into that place you were headed for the place down the corner and you went

there instead you ever have that last shit like when I was a kid one time when I moved to Jersey in 73 and I didn't go to school in that parish whatever so I didn't go out with those kids I had no reason to talk to those kids but finally threw me out of Catholic school and I had to hang out with those fucking kids and one day it's the summer and I'm at the house and my mom was like you know Cuban moms they're like you know calabasa calabasa to mundo basu casa you gotta go you know my mom didn't fuck around you couldn't stay in the house if you stay oh you want to stay now I'll put you to work fuck no

okay out now you gotta go in my house you gotta go nine o'clock let's go you gotta go I look at my mom but I want to watch cartoons and no cartoons this is summertime get a stick do whatever the fuck you do get out there so at the time my mom still had me pegged like a little Cuban boy she still dressed me in white with white slippery shoes and shit and she always put a chain on me don't let nobody touch your chain somebody touches your chain you beat the fuck out of me understand that was the purpose she put an expensive chain on me and go you better come home with that fucking chain today nobody take your chain I'm

like and people at one time the ice cream man said can I see your chain and my mom was on the second floor and she saw it and she ran down don't touch his fucking chain alright remember that beating that fucking kid got from Baltimore yesterday that was not my mom threw the ice cream down I told him not to let him touch your chain she threw a heavy fucking beating yes that was tremendous I'm very impressed and unless you got hit like if you've been hit like that from your mom you're like fuck yeah fuck them up you were chained fire because you know that shit worked on you when your mom just went nuts one

day like one day your mom just went what the fuck you mean you're gonna fucking go if I tell you know who the fuck and your mom just snapped remember that day mom snapped and shit she almost got a heart and she started hitting you on the back and shit I told on the podcast yesterday one time I wanted to fucking go with my friend swimming and I go I ain't making my bed my mom's gonna make the fucking bed I'm like I'm not making what I'm gonna make the bed for me to be back in a couple hours to sleep and my mom's like you're gonna shit when you shit you're gonna shit again in 10 hours why do you wipe your ass right make the

fucking bed I'm like I'm not making the bed so I went out a couple hours later I'm at the pool with my friends a bunch of white dudes and shit hot dogs barbecues and I can hear my mother yelling Hosantorio and they're like what the fuck is that what is going on I'm like I don't know and it got getting closer and closer Hosantorio oh my god there's gonna be bad finally I see her by the fence she was five foot two but I could see like the top of her head she was jumping and then after and she was still out there Hosantorio I know you're in there come on I'm like there's no Hosantorio's in here you got the wrong

neighborhood me to me they keep walking down the fucking block there and then I saw her fat little foot go up on the fence and I was dead I was dead I got out of the pool and I ran out and I thought I had a jump on it and also he goes I'm gonna go you too much she's calling me my mom was calling me a faggot my buddy oh she's calling me everything and she catches up to me she's hitting me like she's hit me in the foot as I'm running home and then I get in the house and she's hit me with the stick don't make the bed and I hit the stick with my hand and she got a fucking odd attack right she went right back to Cuba she's

like and also she put the stick down and ran away into the kitchen and she got a bounty roll you know bounty and she licked the motherfucker on fire because I blocked the stick and she's like you know you're not supposed to put your hands up when your mom's hitting you you're supposed to take the beating like the fucking so I put my hands I remember her running up the stairs in the bounty falling off the thing and there was little flames all over the fucking living room that's how crazy my mom was but I get that beating you know for people who don't beat your kids now you gotta smack the fuck out of her once in

a while okay because listen they get an age where we know more than you as a child we test you everybody test you in life every day you get tested with your kid once they turn 13 you guys remember when you fucking jerked off the first time and some came out of your dick you were a fucking man you were ready to smack your father remember you're like I'm smacking that punk tomorrow we got confused you don't be smacked their fucking father you got fucking confused so that's what happens when you come lady first time first time something comes out of your dick you ready to take over the house you go down to your

mother mark throw this motherfucker out who's gonna pay the bills your fuck bills so I was always really lucky like that so my mom says to me get the fuck out of the house go make some friends in this neighborhood I go alright and I and there was a park this way it was a park this way I could hear the kids you know you can hear the fucking kids but when I was in my backyard talking to my mom I could hear kids playing on the street over there so instead I was on the corner I go let me go to the park I go anybody go to the park let me walk over to Charles Court and see what's crack I lacking and Charles Court was

one of those streets not a culter sack I had an island in the middle and you went all the way around the block and the island Gina Gekona lived this girl Gina Gekona cute girl and went around the corner I still talk to her she's on Facebook so I go up there and these kids are not playing there's a fight a tremendous kid fight now at the time Bruce Lee had just died you know I was into Bruce Lee I was ready to kick motherfuckers asses but I didn't know these guys but growing up my mom always said if somebody is alone they get beat up help him out so as I walked up I saw a kid fighting with like a kid

older than him like by a couple years like let's say the kid I saw fighting a little Italian kid was maybe 12 like me 11 the kid he was fighting was like 16 and he was relentless he was on the motherfucker boom boom he hit him and they broke it up the father came down broke it up smack this kid for fighting his son but the truth was he had already beat up like three of his other brothers it was a little Irish family Irish people got a lot of brothers then they got the one fat sister you got to fight at the end she's the heavyweight Mark Hunt with a fucking wig comes down and that's the last motherfucker you got to tangle with

the sister so this is all going down but he smacked the kid and now now when they're arguing and stuff when they were fighting when they when the father came down and was trying to break him up I didn't like that so I jumped in the guys I was scared and fucked but I knew this wasn't right and I knew if you wanted to make bones in the new neighborhood you got to stick up with somebody that's the quickest fucking way these were all white kids guys this 1973 I'm a Cuban kid okay these motherfuckers just thought I was from another planet it's like the Armenians now that you know I'm saying right or

wrong I mean that's what we were 30 fucking years ago you know 1959 the Cubans were the Armenians we were the fucking Armenians we wore warm-up suits and you know fucking hung out in the corner and sang disco song you know don't stop the music it's the only thing I got it's my peace of mind Cubans and the Armenians 40 fucking years ago we just evolved you know I'm nobody ever thinks about that shit that's why I understand the fuck I goof on Arabs and I goof on every fucking race but I was that race so I get it that's what you we develop and then look at the Russians 10 years ago the

Russians were brand new now that shit on the Armenians now the Armenians are talking about the Arabs you follow me shit runs downhill it's just the way life is the elephant talks about the squirrel you know he's the fucking king so this fight breaks out I get in there right I don't even know what the fuck that meant the Cheeba Chew must be kicking in that's what happens when you eat a Cheeba Chew shit comes out of your fucking mouth all of a sudden you become Johnny philosopher you know how many nights I catch myself talking to the cats at 3 in the morning so so this fucking fight ensues you know the

father's trying to break his the kid off him I jump on a little kid I help him out and he turns around he looks at me dressed in white he's like what the you know he's like relax guy and all of a sudden the father comes and smacks this kid Anthony and he goes you know what fuck you motherfucker I'm calling my father I got to wait around I got to see what's happening right the kid nobody would talk to me they give me like who the fuck are you I go I just moved here from New York City whatever and finally in the middle of all this the kid Anthony goes into this other kid's house and he lets him call his father I

mean eight minutes went by eight minutes went fucking by and you saw a police car come up with a regular detective car and the two cops got out of the regular car started giving tickets out in the neighborhood like walking around and also this detective car gets out and it's a heavy-set guy like not a heavy-set guy but a big strong guy with with no jacket on just a white shirt and a fucking what the fuck just happened it was like she was calling a play and one seven it's a fucking weird night tonight people so so this motherfucker comes out of the car with a tie on you

know like when you pull the tie down and you can see he's got his gun like his holster and he's got like his belt with the fucking bags I still remember this like it was yesterday he goes Anthony what happened he goes I missed or whatever smack me in the face and also he looks at me goes who's this guy he goes this is a new spit kid that moved to the neighborhood right like I said shit runs downhill that's it and what are you gonna do don't call me a spick now you gotta fight 18 white guys fucking call me what you want we'll work it out eventually all right so he goes you know he goes he's stuck up for me

dad so the kid just looks at me like really weird he's a thick Italian guy and he says where's this fucking Robson guy goes upstairs and there's a bunch of kids on the street there's some parents on the street and guys he just walked up the stairs it was like two flights of stairs it was outdoor stairway and he knocked on the door and when the guy opened the door he goes you missed the Robson yet he went in pulled him out he brought daylight and just started punching the fuck out of him I mean so the guy went down he's fucking don't you ever hit my son bam bam kick him in the stomach the guy's bleeding and that

was it I sat there like oh shit this is my type because I didn't want to move to Jersey at that time I was in New York City kid I came from Cuba with 88 Street and I sang on 148th week with dirty white kids Irish dirty motherfuckers on 148th street was Puerto Ricans Irish Jews dirty Jew everybody was dirty the kids were dirty whenever my mom would go up there she'd sneak attack me my mom would sneak attack me and go out of the car and she'd see me playing and she goes come on go inside take a shower you're playing with this used to call it my top arrow you're out there my top and I don't need this in my life my top

better means you're out there killing dogs right I mean by the time I four o'clock I had like a fuck I needed a stitch I had dirt on me I had done you do everything in New York as a kid by four o'clock you've mugged somebody you've washed windows you stole lunch from the fucking in those days these give like free lunches at the fucking whatever we'd walk two miles just to steal the fucking thing of lunches we didn't need to but we saw those sandwiches for a nickel these were dirty kids they knew how to make a living the first time I met them I was like six and the first thing they said to me was do you want to

go see a dead body when that's your opening line that's a tremendous neighborhood when you're a kid I'm like what do you mean a dead body he's been there for a couple days come on we went through his pocket saying I'm not I mean and I'm like what the fuck are these kids talking about what they taught me how to hustle the hustle I had in my heart today it's from those little dirty kids because they hustle they shook people down they washed windows they took your garbage out they would go to a donut shop listen with a new garbage man and they would say what do you guys eight years old you're not a garbage man yes

we are we're gonna come here every day take the garbage out sweep and wash your windows give us a dollar a day and the guy would say why would I do that because I break your fucking windows every fucking day these kids were savages ate and they made money first then they played later these motherfuckers were disciplined when it snowed they shovel snow and push cars out in the summer they were out there fucking I mean it was just it was a great childhood you know but anyway now I live in Jersey I don't want to move to fucking Jersey but after I saw that cock beat up Mr. Robson fuck fuck where have I been all these years so

at that time guys I was a little fucked up I had already gotten thrown out of Catholic school you know I was a karate fucking nut my mom I wanted to move to China my mom fucking thought I was retarded like I would only eat rice I would go to Chinatown and buy the Bruce Lee things and wear the Bruce Lee shoes and bow and shit oh I was out of my mind they didn't know what to do with me they didn't know what the fuck to do with me so my mom goes listen when before we left the house she goes listen do me a favor I'm gonna put you in this new neighborhood you gotta act like a fucking gentleman no drama no more

that's it oh we lived in New York there was drama every week and I got my head busted in the first grade stitches eyes double-duty Rudy with my when I fought the Haitian kid and the fucking father brought me upstairs and threatened my mom my mom got a knife and chased him up the fucking stairs my mom was hot she was up to here the Spanish people say metin at the ultimo pendejo something like that like right metin at the ultimo pillow you got me to my last hair so before I went out that day she hugged me she told me she loved me and she goes please act like a fucking gentleman so after this

whole thing goes down I'm standing there in awe drooling and the cop comes over and he goes Anthony what's what happened and he goes I was getting beat up and nobody helped me the only one who was this fucking Spanish kid what's your name Coco we started talking and the father goes do you want me to give you right do you want to come over for dinner I go dinner yeah I guess but I gotta go tell my mom he goes we're getting the cop car and I'll give you a ride to your mother's house so I'm like fine so as I'm pulling up the corner my mom is out there sweeping like and not that fucking Gentile sweep Spanish sweep where they

get the bucket of hot water with with cologne and flowers in that shit and they're out there throwing his shit sweeping his mother fucking fucking wet it down and my mom looks up another figure she had the broom in the hand and I pulled up and she sees me in the cop car and she just flipped oh my god by the time he got out of the cop car my mom was at the window the one my father he was like no no no no no no I want to see if your son could come to my house and eat and you know he's stuck up for my son and I think you did a great job raising and my mom is like what what the fuck that you know oh my

god yeah take them take this motherfucker do what you want so it was right down a house man and I went and they kept telling me come over every day and they had a basketball court and they had three other brothers and I played with the three other brothers even though they were old you know sometimes you go to somebody's house and they're the same age now these guys that you only play with the one guy because he I play with all of them they had motorcycles we used to drive out the fucking English town New Jersey and jump in the converse dumpers and they manufactured converse sneakers limousines for the feet and they throw

the you know how you got it regular now the regular thing you know when you go to you know when you go to fucking not came on what's the other fucking place for they sell no no whether you but what's that place where you buy clothes with a one leg of short and the other they sell it to you Ross okay God fucking damn it CVS your fuck if this was champion they just want to shot you like just like get the gun shoot him rather than you're before Ross they threw that shit out Ross a dirty mother fuckers too they're out there jumping in dumpsters like Puerto Ricans what the fuck have some dignity

shit give us some fucking class and then you sell it 30 but I didn't do that I jumped in the dumpsters and I sold the sneakers I think the sneakers got grossed I think 1995 I think I sold them for 10 bucks so what one was a six and one was a seven who gives a fuck put on a heavy sock you got limousines for the feet motherfucker okay so that's what we we hustle and whatever and they started liking me more and more they started trusting me the father was a big time detective and he drove the mayor so guess what happened whatever he the kids got I got so when no-show jobs kept calling he got us a no-show job when

you're 12 years old you know what it is to get a no-show job at a school as a janitor and you're working with men but you only show up to pick up your check what what where you been I don't need to come in bed oh shit when he got me my first no-show job guys you're fucking nuts but he introduced me to all every cops who come over to his house so all the cops got to see me hanging out with the kids and they'd wave and shit but in the eighth grade we got into a beef again me and Anthony one of the teachers he kept calling me names in Spanish the teacher and Anthony stuck up for me and the kid hit him and Carmine came and

beat the fuck out of the teacher and they transferred him to the high school and then when I went to high school he was my homeroom teacher the first thing he said to me is if you don't want to come to home it's on me the guy's name was mr. tortura fucking tremendous listen I was a retard right this is a fucked up story because I remember this the other day Carmine ran that fucking town like he was the mayor's aid and he was the dirty guy the guy that came to your house and bit slapped you and that was the guy the mayor had like nice people that represented him with suits but then he had this dirty detective that

did all his dirty work and he knew everybody so in the sixth grade I fell in love with this chick New Yorker Arisa we didn't even fuck I used to just dry hump up after like six months you let me suck a titty during a dry hump and I lost it and she told me the last day of school we're gonna fuck talk she told me that in January I couldn't focus I I I stopped going to karate I stopped talking to my friends I stopped doing homework I would just sit there and he asked we would dry hump from 335 to earth went in fire the whole album we would swap spit put the air conditioner on and then oh my god guys you have no idea how much

I couldn't even sleep I was so much in love with her and her backyard was like two away so I would we would fucking have oh my god I wasn't guys I was done and she didn't even give me the pussy just a scent of it she just went like this and she I fell apart I fell apart listen I'm not a dumb guy if I come to class every day and I do the assignment and I pay attention I could squeak out of beat I've always done it all my life I'll listen and I'll squeak out of beat dog I got absent everything I mean I wouldn't go to my mom's bar I wouldn't even talk to my parents when New Yorker wasn't around I was in my room frozen

just jerking off thinking about the last day of school but I couldn't fucking wait and then some and I failed so bad they didn't put me in the in the seventh grade class like to show you the teacher they left me with the sixth grade idiots and she saw that and she's like I can't fuck you now you're not in the seventh grade and I fucking lost it like I was in love I couldn't take it I had to take summer school get this so we got caught playing hooky and my mom went out there and started yelling three who not because you know my mom was the number one cock blocker in the world when my mom found out I get a little

piece she would tell me when I bring a girl up the hammer up with the rear to leave the door open I don't want no funky stuff in my room in my house so my mom was a cock blocker so when I got caught playing hooky it knew was that this girl and my mom was in a yard calling that girl's mother a whore your daughter's a whore I was done so we couldn't we weren't allowed to talk to each other was like endless love but I didn't burn a house down right and they remade fucking endless love what a piece of shit it was tremendous of Brooke Shields every time I'd watch it I cry I have that on one of my DVDs I cry every time I hear

that song when was the last time you heard endless motherfucking love I cry all the time and shit a lot of you young guys don't know what you're looking at like Joey what the fuck you talking about bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum endless love was the shit Brooke Shields suck this little dude's dick and he went nuts then they broke up when he lit her fucking house on fire and killed her dad or something at the end they made up I don't know who the fuck knows I forget that part I was too busy crying and shit you know I'm saying there's only you in my life that's a bad fucking jam listen four in the morning you're out of coke

you're out of booze you've given every left hook you can she won't open her legs you got one thing throw on endless love if that don't do it call you but right call it because she ain't giving it up you ain't closing it you know I'm saying once you throw on endless love and you dance with her if you go for a pussy and she pushes it away listen it's time for you to go okay and I can't believe you did all my coke you should have told me then you weren't gonna suck my dick I would have stayed home by myself for the coke rock on my dick and wiped off anyway so I got so in love with this fucking broad the only time I

could see her was during summer school hours so I just stopped going to summer school and after three times they said Joey you left back and there was this guy named Ray Dalton who was very cool years later told me when the cops were looking for me he was a vice principal at the school oh yeah I robbed the jewelry store and the cops were looking for me at the high school and they went to him he was the principal they kept saying we're looking for Coco Diaz he's like I don't know no Coco Diaz I know Coco Dempsey because there was three different Coco's and somebody said Ray Dalton was looking for me and I went

through his body pull me aside I didn't crack but they got your name they got a camera you look around for cameras how the fuck you're gonna rub some on fucking camera so I said I started calling me candid camera after you'd see me candid camera so I go Ray what do you want me to do when he goes bro you left back I don't know what to tell you so I went to karma and I go karma they gonna left me back can you go shake these guys down that's how retarded I was I remember he came back he's like are you fucking stupid you failed you didn't show up how can you do this to me you wouldn't make but the thing was I grew

up in that fucking house you know and then in the eighth grade there was four brothers the one I stuck up for died in a car accident so do you understand me it was like I grew into the house like I replaced him and they became my parents karma became my parents but then shit started happening karma I started getting the car mine was crazy he was doing some mafia shit as a cop he was oh my god he was building a house and building it to the fucking town like that's the city of bell that's what they got it from from fucking car my fuck the city of bell that punk compared to calm on calm I never did time those

motherfuckers that fat dude from Bell he's sitting there you ever see him he knows he's gonna be sucking a dick ever see him sitting there just sits there he's gonna fuck he's dead that guy Carmine invented that shit he got me a job at Randall Lumber and Marine and the first thing he said to me was don't forget to steal I mean that was fucking karma because the guy that quit used to steal so he goes if you don't steal don't know that he was stealing so you got to steal how calm I was cool as shit then he got busted because he got caught with the machine gun that Patty Hearst used in the fucking robbery yes yes so

everybody in the town was like don't talk to him guess what I kept going over there I kept going over that was my dog dog those motherfucking because when I was just a Cuban kid but once I fucking became friends with them by mistake everything changed dog nobody could fuck with me after that I was a car mine when I got in trouble with a cop and a certain cop would see me he talked to the other cops and they go we can't fucking arrest this guy and then he would call Carmine and Carmine would so let him go and that was the end of that and I got into I call them but their mom after a while the whole family and then

guess what happened then my mother died so I was supposed to live with them by proxy that was the call but Carmine was too tough on his kids he had you had to be in by 10 that wasn't by that time I was out to two in the morning I came from a Cuban house my mom had no fucking curfew just call me let me know you're not coming home tell me what time that was how easy it was how can I go into being in that fucking 10 o'clock I was selling acid I was selling weed you know this guy was a cop I couldn't fucking live with him so I moved with somebody else and he broke his heart we were still friends I still went over to

the house and called the wife mine shit but then something tremendous happened one night Carmine shot this guy eight times in the back and self-defense right at his house you can't write this shit I will give you a minute to write it on your phone tonight you could Google it Carmine Balzano October of 82 he shot a guy in his house seven times and when we were kids when we were kids growing up we'd be in his house like painting and he'd be painting with us and we get into a conversation about murder or something and he could always remember if you want

to kill somebody invite him to your house for dinner and I never knew what he meant with that right how fucking genius is that so the next day in the story he invited to go to dinner they got into an argument the guy went for a gun shot at Carmine he ran away and Carmine shot him in the back seven times in self-defense but then they found out that Carmine owed him $700,000 so they threw Carmine off the force and they fired him and they didn't put him in jail but then he sued them and got his pension back that's how slick he was that's a bad motherfucker right and he got mad at me all those years when I was getting in

trouble and I tell you guys all those stories the criminal stories he stopped talking to me he stopped talking once he found out about the drugs he stopped but you know what today I talked to him once a week and every fucking holiday or anything he sends my daughter $500 every for a card with $500 fucking dollars every time I look at like my wife was out of town for Easter and I was at the mailbox and I looked at this check for $500 I'm like if my wife knew where this money came from she ripped his check up then ten times because he's a bad mother and I love him he was my father you know but the whole thing of this

story is what if what would if I were gone to the park that day I would have still been fucking sucking dick in North Bergen they would hate me a lot but because I stuck up for that dude that dude had my back for years I could call Carmine your car month I need a fucking job and he would call me back not with some fucking job pumping gas he called me back like with a job making 80,000 two days a week that type of shit well I swear to God he got me a no-show job I think about that today and I feel like a douchebag but I'll tell you what it feels nice to be a gangster from time to time

without further ado my main motherfucker mr. Lisa yeah what's happening Lee Jesus fucking Christ sit on come on the thing is stuck you put a fucking lull in the show I found endless love on YouTube yeah put it on for them on YouTube there's a great fucking jam guys this is fucking shit man shut the fuck up dirty bitch get some romance in your life this is Lionel Richie and Diana Ross just because you're having a bad day and the Chlamydia came back that's not my problem here's Lionel heavy duty Lionel

this is fucking badass guys are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me this is fucking wedding type shit when you're dancing they're all at the end and shit whatever the fuck it is everybody's in love this is the kind of music you fucking put on man we were talking about this the other day we he almost killed me once kind all because on the way home from here this I deal with this constantly he listens to every kind of music and you'll just like go from like black Sabbath to like singing Paul McCartney to it like Diana Ross it's just like a weird mix and it just each song like hits you like you're

to see him go on the XM radio he has like different moves I got fucking serious I love it I love serious I got studio 54 I got heavy metal I got Ozzy's Boneyard I got Spanish music on that motherfucker Latin fucking whatever from the 70s I got so many things on fucking speed dial because if not who wouldn't kill the you have to entertain yourself on the 405 you really do when you hit the 405 and the 10 of the 101 and that's what I do I like to get high and listen to fucking music right or wrong well listen let's get something straight let me ask you something I'm not here I'm not here advocating marijuana or putting posters

up in my room or you know whatever what I'm trying to say to you as guys I I had a dream you know my mom got high I did not want to get high I did not want to get high because my mom got high I just did not fucking dig it the alcohol whatever but the fucking weed I did not like it I'll tell you why I hated my want to grow up you ever fucking get one of those in the first grade they give you a milk container you got to bring a milk container and cut it and you got to fill it with dirt and the teacher gives you fucking seeds and you have to grow it and then you have to come back in six weeks and show the fucking teacher the

plant remember that shit okay I had a great future I really did I really did have a fucking chance I've thought about my life into the plant a thousand fucking times I had I had shut the fuck up cock so I had the plant I had the plant I was ready to go the next day p.s. 166 I forget to teach his name it don't matter I was gonna bring the plan in and get an A something happened my mom and Tita the Puerto Rican babysitter when my mom would get home at three from the bar to my mom on the bar Tita would be there some nice Tito would go home and some nice Tito would just sleep on the fucking couch and they would smoke

dope together I would smell in the morning what the fuck is that smell in the house and she would make some story but I knew I wasn't retarded you know why because the cops in those days in the first grade they took you to the police station and they showed you drugs and they fucking smoked marijuana around you and they fucking you shot a gun tremendous so I knew what drugs were early on plus they did at the fucking house not the bar so I knew but I just didn't say none guess who my mom and that fucking chick did they saw that plant and then they're fucking stone ketosis they thought that it was reefer so they

cut the plant up no they just yes they fucking did and they smoked it I got up the next morning at my plant it was gone right you might as well give away my fucking puppy you understand me that's the first thing I ever grew I get up I go my what happened to the plan she's like you're not gonna believe what happened that is the we had no marijuana so we fucking took it and I'm like what the fuck so I go get up you got to take me to a plant store so we went to a plant store I had to get two leaves and put it in there I ended up getting a I fucking fucked the teacher over but still that always I didn't want to smoke weed but

I but listen man then I started going out with your buddies you drink that boons fun and you drink you know you then you split an 8 pack between two people you know you know the evolution of alcohol and party you start stealing your parents booze you put you put vodka water back in the vodka and iced tea back in the whiskey we all did creepy things but there's an evolution and then you get a job and you know how to put five hours together and you steal it you steal fucking lemonade from your mother and I'll get the fucking bottle right right around and then you go to a bar but there's a fucking evolution I did

not want to break down and smoke pot but there was something about music that made my dick hard I like music as a kid when I came from Cuba like Spanish music I like salsa I like disco I didn't like rock music fuck those long head filthy motherfuckers I don't like no disco me no rock music I never want to get into fucking rock music and I moved to Jersey and those dirty motherfuckers used to listen to rock music and he used to drive me crazy and one day something made me get high like take two hits off a joint and then I was blasted and something happened I went home and there was music on and I was like wow and

like a week later something happened where I bought houses of the holy by Led Zeppelin oh my fucking god when I put that's that album on it's ha ha ha ha ha right whatever you don't have to go home right then the second one is the other song but then the third one is dancing days are here again don't fuck and make me go deep I'm a little fucked up okay just improvise with me so the first all the information information it's it's nice it's it's a ha ha ha ha you don't have to go ho ho ho ho you don't have to go ho ho ho ho then it goes to dancing days then fucking no quarter comes on that's why I would let me tell

you something that's where the fucking thing got turned off first time I heard no quarter it scared the fuck out of me it was like them it was like the theme from Star Trek I would turn the TV off when Star Trek came on as a kid one Star Trek came on fuck that motherfucker fuck that creepy shit change that so this day I've never watched Star Trek fuck that duropony is and Martians I don't like that shit what about that song like children are the devil or children are for hell or what's that song what is it no no no it was the lady singer yeah Pat Benetton that's come you're fucking up my evolution

I'm stuck I'm strong and strong and fucking houses of the holy okay but once the fucking ocean comes on you know you're deep first time I have smoked dope and heard the ocean we got four ready I fuck my head blow up one two three four I didn't know what to do I knew I was getting a bag of dope I knew it was over I crossed the line after that I think the second hour was yes roundabout and that and then some dude turned me on to Emerson Lincoln Palmer goat's head soup that sucked ass I hate that shit then I heard something I heard something else all I heard black Sabbath war pigs hi first time I heard war

pigs I just broke out into tears I didn't know I never had that emotion in my life I never heard that you know Satan and fucking I was like this is me oh shit you know hand of doom and all that shit and I'll tell you I then I then I made a deal with myself I go you know what all right I'm a smoke pot I'll try this angel dust good progression but I'll never snort nothing I'll never put anything in my fucking nose that's for fucking losers and then when I started smoking pot and a little bit THC crystal in there that visit in those days for ten bucks for three no for trays for three dollars they sold you like

elephant tranquilizers and powder oh my god you get fucked up and they called it something like Jonestown and you sprinkled that in a joint and then you smoked that shit oh my god listen I used to take I took a joint twice and put formaldehyde on and you let that motherfucker dry and you smoke that formaldehyde joint oh my fucking god and then one day I went to Union City and these crazy white dudes were like fuck it we got a snort you got a snort the THC crystal which is a different level I cried I'm like I don't know if I could do that but it's ten dollars for three people and all of us are gonna see the

devil you're all gonna see the devil so come again it's four dollars for the Friday night apocalypse now but for three dollars I can see the devil yes you can I'll take a chance fucking you know what I'll never snort cocaine I'll never do everyone up my nose I just got pushed in the boundaries you know it's very sad it's very sad I'm very sad about it right now I just and then the utopia was I like smoking that fucking zombie dust that angel dust I swear to God I fucking loved it it was great me and my friends listen let me tell you what fun is listen fuck you fuck Disneyland fuck the San Diego zoo fuck

San Diego are you over Disney Hollywood Bowl fuck seaworld you know what we did when we were 13 we used to buy two bags of angel dust six of us cut it up six lines do a line of peace take a bus into New York City and once we got the Port Authority we break up into hit squads to a man and we say here's the deal go on an adventure God bless you we'll see you on 178th Street at seven o'clock and all three teams that go on to different locations and then we'd all meet we get off the bus on 48th Street but we get back on the bus 178th Street to go back into Jersey that's fucking fun okay you guys sound like the groups

they had in Fight Club like Project Mayhem it wasn't Project Mayhem it was Project Death okay when we went out and I mean you stumbling we used to go to straw not strip clubs in those days but those places where the sticky floor people whack peep show peep shows we go oh my god people whack off and then look around you gotta say it's crazy they come out with you don't even know what that's like when you're a kid and then we and then we go to like in those days there was a guy in front of a strip club and he called you into the strip club and you had a sit and he bring a girl next to you and you had to buy a

champagne for like $80 like a little fucking bottle of champagne here you are 14 and when she's like eight would you want to buy me a champagne she starts touching your leg when you're 14 the woman touches your leg you'll cut your fucking arm off and also she's like you don't buy me champagne you got like 20 bucks you know you're like I'll buy your champagne when they came over she said $80 you better put a cork in that motherfucker cuz I'm out of here lady but it was just a and then by like a hundred street we take the train up to 178 Street but that's the you sit then you go what the fuck was I thinking I wish I

would have stopped there was no rehab for Angel dust then do they send 14 year olds to rehab I guess they probably do and in today's fucking world kids have problems who had a who had a who went to a drive rehab when they were young didn't want to these fucking cadashians then the kindly one of these fucking change probably this is crazy this is crazy that we're having this do you see what's going on like the girls who are doing like the lip thing like I'm worried about what you're gonna do with mercy like how are people do like they're breaking their lips I'm worried about how I'm gonna make rent

this month you think I'm worried about mercy being 14 this is captain fucking future here I swear to God who hit you with things you know like when you got shit on your mind you're like trying to put shit together yesterday I got a thousand things on my mind he says to me what time are we doing the podcast next Monday listen cock sucker I almost strangled them I live by the day how many times I gotta tell you next Monday is like fucking December to me I don't give a fuck about it I don't worry about it is anybody in this room worried about Christmas are you sitting at home right now I can't wait I'm gonna get

toothbrush fuck the summer fuck you if you're worried about Christmas might not shoot yourself you're worried about two shit that's got nothing to do with you I'm worried about fucking tonight get home and I'm worried about tomorrow that's it and I don't know about tomorrow till I wake up because we may have plans but I may wake up tomorrow I did kettle bells that might be sore let me just stay home and smoke dope I'm not in the mood to drive to Santa Monica to get an ear beating from you you understand me so all my plans are fucking light like everybody knows my shit's light if I'm picking an envelope I will be there if

you got a check for me a cash I tell you two o'clock I'll be there 10 to 2 you understand me but if there's no envelope if you're gonna chitchat and tell me about your great idea so let's do this okay so this Martian comes down and he attacks Cuba and you're the cute listen you made me come down here to that I was at home watching AMC you know the fuck is on you know Steven Seagal backlighting whatever the fuck what's the what's the one they always play there was not the one with the ship and the other fucking one which one under siege and the other one when he's from Brooklyn who shot Bobby Lupo remember that

one when he played the fucking guy yeah you see what I'm saying I got to do hard to kill that's the second one that's what there's wife at the time that was a good one when he the heart the kills and they killed him and he came back to life he was paralyzed for eight years and after two days he was doing like he though you understand that was when I was like what the fuck are they doing to me you know either I need to get higher I need to stop going to these movies watch it visit that fucking film masterpiece he was in a coma fate fucking years they shot his wife really they shot his wife and then after eight

years of being a coma he got up he walked he fell one time and that was it he went to a fucking war he killed fucking 80 black people hand-to-hand combat I'm so sick of that shit that the expendables I'm done I don't know the fucking movies no more what Lee what I mean now huh yeah please it was crazy like meaning mr. I do my best people you people fucking know I try hard I try hard I haven't been training I call this training because I want if we ever get kidnapped by the Russians that they can't get nothing out of them

but this only works they're gonna give them 300 milligrams of TAC apart you hang out with me you won't fall apart you're gonna play possum but you know what the fuck you're thinking that's not how they torture people huh that's not how they do I meant mr. I meant Carmine what happened I know it's crazy like how how you met him like what if you hadn't stick up first kid I don't know you never and that's what I'm saying to you tonight your people gonna go home and you're gonna think of a situation you know what the fuck was I thinking how did I get involved in that how fucking weird does life work you know life has a

fucking left turn every six weeks that you don't tell people right you people never tell nobody but like you sit back and go what the fuck is going on like every time I look at my iPhone it's not it's something 23 it kills me every time I look at my fucking iPhone it's always something 23 that means I'm gonna die at like 323 it's always 23 like it's always 923 23 23 I got the worst luck in the fucking world what are you getting about your fuck no but it's crazy cuz you called me last week we were talking about driving back from here just like laughing how much fun we've had and I thought about that I was fucking down

to like a hundred bucks for two weeks when I when I email it might when I message you like I would I had just enough to pay my rent and pay a couple bills and I but I wrote him a message hold on one second do you and you know something we don't know in this fucking room it's like well there's probably a candle to string in it and there's another can on that side and you people like communicate laugh right now fuck up please with him what the fuck is going on I'm amazed that I'm getting this out no but it was just I didn't ask you for like a job like you people get hit up a lot of times for I want to work with you

or do this for me and all I remember I was so fucking depressed you've had a little bit too much to drink anyways I was sitting in like a cubicle that used to be a closet like literally they needed so much office space that they took a closet and made it a cubicle for two people and they kept me on because I needed the money but there was no work to do and I messaged you and then I fucking we did my favorite one I don't know what's so funny I'm just super high

what was the story about the elephant in the square what the fuck an elephant brother from the squirrel you know evolutionly cock sucker you're gonna carve one of my first prize out you shit now because you got all cheapo chew up and you say shit whose idea wasn't for me to be I have become who gives a fuck you gotta do you gotta take a chance it's Wednesday you gotta do something I have been saying shit that I would never say in 30 years lately because I'm getting old like I'm getting old something's going on it's not dementia

but something's going on I'm saying little things I'm saying them to myself and I'm catching myself and go when that come from like yeah that was stone to the girls my mistake on Southwest big fucking mistake stone to the girls but you know what Southwest don't bother me I like so you know listen when you're gonna go to Tempe well what are you gonna do when you're gonna go to Phoenix what are you gonna do take a helicopter no it's an hour so what you sit next to some fat fuck for an hour an hour ain't gonna kill you've done worse in an hour and you're still alive so Southwest ain't bad for for Burbank to Phoenix

Burbank to fucking Sacramento or San Jose you take Southwest from LAX to Buffalo I love you to death LAX is not a flight to take longer than two hours is no entertainment and you fucking peanut what do you have a peanut allergy you die on Southwest because everybody's eating peanuts you're in the middle there what are you doing huh huh you're like a fucking half a fag we're gonna do you bring a helicopter I hate you before every flight oh you gotta get high before fucking flight so wasn't a mistake you know what are you talking about you always get high

before flight you got me high before flight to Austin where we had to take a bus to the plane remember that when we went to Austin they were doing construction on the terminal fucking American Airlines there's certain fucking places you go to Oklahoma City fucking there's like six places they got to take a bus terminal 44 means you got to go downstairs then they put you on a bus and then you got to go through LAX that's the worst airport in the world you see planes and shit next to you they stop for a fucking plane and you're on this bus it's horrible but I don't know what it is LA Austin it's Austin

that's like a couple destinations if you fly American Airlines you don't fly out of terminal 44 whatever you got to take a fucking shuttle I don't know what it is and it aggravates the fuck out of me but when you hide you get on the bus you hold on to the fucking rail and you do what you got to do you gave me he gave me what he gave me tonight at four in the morning and I was flying and we had to go up and down stairs and then there was this like family of like anybody in this room ever wake up before in the fucking morning by applause tell me the truth for a job for a job let these motherfuckers know what it's

like it's like you wake up in the twilight zone and when you're in the shower you're doubting your existence like what the fuck am I doing this on Monday you're fine you're fucking shit my goo I love my job on Sunday at the barbecue with your family you're acting like a fucking asshole we all do it I love my job it's a great job but by Wednesday you're in the shower and even coffee can't help you because you stayed up to watch Empire till 1030 and it threw your fucking night off getting up at four in the morning is fucking miserable and I'm gonna taste I go to church but church could be great if you

take two hits off a joint before you learn the church and I don't say this to you as a pothead I say this to you because it becomes soothing you could sit there and enjoy it you know you could sit there it's tolerable you know you don't want to go to church with alcohol on your breath and we like the fucking church drinker anybody could do that going there a little fucking you know what is biggie say at the end of respect whatever that fucking verses about dropping in there with Roche Brett and shit like that you know yeah what was I getting what was my point Lee I understand that you think it's fun my

point is that when you wake up at four in the morning it's hard enough but you let me tell you what makes life a lot easier for the morning you put your coffee machine on you already put the fucking thing on it's on all you got to do is get up and press a button I'm gonna run you motherfucking through the captain Kirk getting up in the morning guy before you fly at four in the morning or if you have a job that sucks dick because there's some jobs you get up at four in the morning you're gonna go to a warehouse at five you can get stoned to the girls at a warehouse I love that shit I used to have the palette with the

helmet stone to the gills the palette going everywhere breaking the more pallets to broke the more exercise I got that's how I looked at it I would have to get off the thing and put this shit on the fucking ballot the electrical wire is or whatever the fuck I was doing the conduit whatever anyway it sucks ass but when you got a fly you got to get up at four in the morning that really sucks fucking dick okay so here's how Uncle Joey does you get up you pregram the fucking coffee machine so when you get up you fuck no first I don't give a fuck about the water go to the shower put the hot water around close the door you go

to the kitchen you pop the coffee machine on by the time you get back this shower yellow steam effect all the blackheads come out of your nose you're gonna fuck a shower you wash your pussy you get dressed you're already back me I'm a fat fuck I got sleep at here so I packed the machine while I'm getting dressed the luggage is already ready I kick the cat out luggage there's always one cat that thinks he's gonna fucking smuggle like I'm gonna smuggle I'm like a fucking Colombian fuck you get out of here cocksucker and you got to check cuz if you don't take him no pee on the way out those little motherfuckers

then you want you don't know they pee on your t-shirt that you get to that fucking destination so right after that right now you already had your coffee after you had half your coffee you go outside to the porch and you bang out two little hits of marijuana okay you're looking at me going Joey but it's 411 in the morning that's right that's my fucking point you're about to get on a fucking plane that could go down it could go down so if you're walking on ice you might as well dance okay if you come to me at 420 in the morning and you say Joey before you leave where you going New York that's a six-hour flight yeah

I got a little bit of heroin you don't have to shoot at his wife and the Chinese people I'll do it because I know I'm going to hell I gotta go down there walk through security take my shoes off get fungus on my sock dog that bitch was crazy from the jump she has a white like mini skirt on I looked at her feet they were fucked up but she had nice and that's how I could tell she was a ratty bitch she was out there trying to buy guys drink she's something something's not right there she works for back page or something she's like an undercover

agent like a something like that she had that white skirt on I wouldn't finger you know what type it's got and this is a question for the guys you ever look at a woman you're like that woman's hot but if I finger her my finger might disintegrate in there you ever look at a woman like that sometimes I don't like the judge a woman's pussy I would never do that I like pussy I'll eat it even without smelling it I'll dive in there but there's some women you look at you go if I stick my finger in a thing if I stick my finger in a pissy it's like that little pond that Han had into the dragon he threw Jim Kelly in there it's

like that acid you know your fingers not gonna come out like no blood no none it just gonna get disjointed right at the joints you just had that look I don't even think I'm sticking my finger up a woman's ass like that like I I know once you stick it in the fucking pussy your fingers gonna fucking melt I swear to God and I don't mean to be rude lady I love pussy I love fingering women the whole fucking thing is she there I don't give a fuck I'll tell her to a face it's one of those pussies that has no wang through it but you know there's

something wrong with it you ever put like Saran wrap on a grapefruit and you know it's fucked up you're like I don't know I ain't gonna take a chance you know I'm saying it looks pink the seeds okay but this bitch hasn't had a checkup in years I guarantee that she needs a blood transfusion that dirty bitch that's beyond the hives she's got something deadly she's got when the hives meet sweet partition that fucking bitch I'm sorry to be so candid you're my church family and I love you ma'am you know I'm saying she's very sweet you didn't need that but that's how we think sometimes men will look at women and look at like a

woman's ass and go I don't think so that's not right she's fucking beautiful but there's something not right about her ass she don't wipe it something something's not right and women say the same thing if you look at me for the first time you're like that guy's ass and balls think I know that I know that when I look at myself I'm like that guy's balls think I know that I know that going in so but there's some people you look at you like I would never want to sniff his toes you know something about the way he walks that's fucked up but we've all done that ladies there's women out there that

will love sticking a finger up your ass but ladies I know that you've broken up with men because that's not the type of guy you don't want you know you don't want to stick his finger something about his ass he's nice he's sweet he loves his family he's got a nice stereo he opens the door for you but you know that if you stick your finger up his ass something's not gonna be right so you just it's not gonna work out for you because you're a freak you know the deal sometimes I love eating pussy so when I look at a woman I got to make sure that you know if I look at the toenails and I see dirt and a fungi

nail I'm not gonna eat her pussy if she's got a a fungi nail in public what's a snatch look like behind closed doors and I'm just talking to you from the heart right at work we're family here this is the church we talk amongst ourselves right ladies am I lying to you go to a guy's house lady you walk in the bathroom and there's a bush your hair on the toilet seat are you gonna suck his dick no it's over you're gonna automatically get sick that wine had something in it you didn't cause me me did you I got to go sure there's just something men's men do that you don't like and we will say my but then the

integration finger that's a true story I had that once I would in fact I brought a girl home once I knew something was right and the reason why I didn't want a finger because I thought she could have been a man at some time you about that maybe 21 and asked in Colorado or something like that nothing happened we didn't have like 13 no 13 13 I was whacking off dreaming I had the balls to eat somebody's pussy at 13 I was dreaming of having the balls to like I would sit there hopefully someday I'll swap spit with a woman I was too busy trying to get good at basketball my friends are getting their dicks up and

alleys and shit my cheerleaders I did get a cheerleader for one I really like that I tell you guys a story that we got to wrap it up this is a fucked up story man I love Irish chicks that's my freak okay let's get out of the way I love women I love all types of women I don't give a fuck who shows up you know if I look at you and I can tell that my fingers not disappeared we're gonna have a relationship at some point I'm married but I'm saying you know this is this is how I thought when I was in the eighth grade I played I went to school in North Bergen I'm a Catholic I wanted to be part of something and they had CYO

basketball our Lady of Fatima wouldn't take me in North Bergen because I lived out of the district so I had to play for sacred St. Michaels of Union City anybody know who Tommy Heinzen is he's from he's from Boston he's from that school and it's a small school it's a Catholic school but up the corner is Holy Rosary Academy and they have a bunch of dirty freaks a bunch of eighth grade Catholic girls who their dads go to pick them up and shit and they gotta wear skirts and fucking crazy and in the back they stay overnight some of the girls stay overnight so I started playing basketball for them in the

Chile it was this girl Colleen and I really liked the man she had red hair and she had titties already and you know I didn't know where it was gonna go but I'm between us I didn't think of fucking nothing like I didn't have that perversion at that it wasn't even there yet it wasn't even there I was in the dry hopper maybe like the New Yorker had broken my heart Nikki after the dry humping and getting left back fuck that I was aware of pussy it's like going to rehab for coke you come out and now you have a certain respect for it you know I only do that shit on the weekends motherfucker like

once this girl broke my heart guys I was done like I was I was done for like a year and a half maybe two years with women I just focused on basketball and getting smarter and you know because I failed and I meet this girl and she's fucking cute it and fuck I would sit there and watch a cheerleading shit and she'd be shaking that ass and I'd be going crazy in my head and there was song I forget what the love songs were then like Billy Joel had a big song in those days and I used to dream of asking like a week because around the corner was ends those pizza so I would dream and just going up that having the balls

to go up to and asking to go to pizza one day I just did like a practice I go pizza she's like fuck yeah we started talking shit and she gave me a number she had a partner that was Cuban her name was Sarah so right away you know it was okay the girl was Cuban I was Cuban she was from Emerson not the sidetracking remind me of this of what so about remind me about that what we're talking about here about St. Michael's but the girl Sarah we were friends when I was 13 14 and then once meeting stopped dating I would see Sarah out Sarah was one of those girls that was a woman at 12 they were just holding it down she was

a Cuban girl she had big tits so I would see her at clubs when she was 16 I'd have a phony ID and I'm not talking about like you know some place up here I'm talking about in New York City I'd be there with my older friends and I'd see Sarah that was pretty hot so I'd say hello to her she'd say hello back to me there was nothing really serious there what's your so one night I go to this fucking place in Hoboken one night I go to this bar in Hoboken and I see Sarah and I'm with this dude Ferney Basasudo who has thick fucking glasses you know he's handsome as fuck Cuban Puerto Rican built little fucking waste he looked

like a fucking Adonis but he had goofy glasses thick fucking glasses he couldn't really see and he was kind of goofy he got fucked up every night every night he used to take cocaine and cut it so much that it would turn into like a spackle and he would do it by himself and he would get rings around his mouth and he couldn't even snort no more he was a fucking fiend when I robbed that janitor and I had those epileptic pills and I gave him out to people he's the only one that called me back and said give me more of those fucking things everybody else was pissed off because I gave me epileptic pills he was like give

me more of those things those things were fucking great this guy was crazy so we're at a bar in Hoboken and it's our friend who's got a band or something stupid the bars called generos it's like that first bar you went to when you thought you were cool so I'm staying there God knows what I got on me it's it's it's me it's Ferney and it's stinky linconte at the end and I come up and Sarah's there the Cuban girl Sarah's right there and there's a girl in front of me and there's another girl there's another girl around Sarah so I come up I hugged Ferney Ferney's got a white

t-shirt on I hugged Ferney I hugged Glenn and I sit there and I looked at it Sarah I knew Sarah I grew up with Sarah by this time we were 17 maybe I reach over and I grab her ass gently and she turns instead of turning this way she turns this way and sees my buddy Ferney with a white shirt on drinking an Alabama slammer with those thick glasses she turns around sees it's Ferney and just punches him right in the fucking face right Ferney's glasses fly off so now she's got free reign with Ferney she punches him again punches him again punches him again Ferney goes down he's fucking blind he's feeling the floor

feeling for the glasses me I'm howling right me and sticky a fucking howling we're making believe like we're getting involved but we're like oh my god I can't believe this all happened for me grabbing this poor girl's ass she's got she's kicking them right in the mid-section this is tremendous with a heel his whole body's going up finally the bouncer comes pulls it off Ferney we picked Ferney up Ferney gets up he had a white shirt now it was fucking red right in the middle like there was a big red spot I'm in my friend Larry McNeil coming over drunk on Ferney because Ferney looked he was Cuban but he had

Chinese eyes associate he gots Ferney I never seen you without glasses if you ever want to get a job with the Chinese restaurant I'm sure the high Ferney's heart broke like for any was at Ferney was a killer Ferney turned out to be a fucking serious savage but I'll never forget we found his glasses with the one lens missing so he put the glasses on we stayed there the rest of the night and he just held the drink the rest of the night with his glasses with the one lens and we drove home he never even sent them to me for get like he never goes that was your fault for grabbing her ass he took the bitch lap I had to

get up for that one I respect for Ferney I sent him a friend request about four years ago he has not responded his brother communicates with me his brother had pointed ears to I used to call him Elroy all right so back to back to the girl friend back to the girl I really liked it and something happened we started you know she was a cheerleader the season you know during the season after the games we'd hold hands and walk down Burger Line Avenue we go to diners or we go to pizza places and just you know and we started making out right the good start there was never

really guys I didn't have that thought at that age and we used to make out outside because her dad was strict and she had two hotter sisters that had red hair and freckles that were fucking smoking and in those days I just dated Irish chicks I went from like fucking Kathy Moran to Valerie McNeil to fuck I mean it was tremendous to fucking I loved Irish chicks so Catholic chicks Irish chick we really hit it off guys it was April we were swapping spit I think I felt the tit of the movie theater we were holding hands you know I really dug and one day one night she calls me up we was a snowstorm like a 20-incher and we

had no school for the week so she called me like before and she goes my dad's leaving and hey why don't you take the bus down here and I was a little intimidated guys like I didn't know if I brought a condom I didn't know if we were gonna dry on you know in those days all I want to do is play basketball and rob money from my stepfather that's all I wanted to do that's all I did was try to break that money with the rubber band and figure out how he wouldn't know and now I got this little girlfriend that I kind of liked but I would not let myself fall in love with her because of what happened with this other chick who broke

my heart the dry-humper in the sixth grade that dirty whore she's on Facebook she won't be my friend no more readers that sucks yeah she fucking sucks we're friends for years and she got pissed cuz I wouldn't go to the prom with a fuck uncle Joey don't go to prom's shit oh so uh guys listen to this listen to this fucking story right and I think I've said this publicly we I get down I take the bus down there I don't know what to expect I don't know if we're gonna dry hump I don't know if we're gonna swap spit I don't know what to expect I go to a house and she shows me how she shows me her bedroom the sisters the dad had

loot the mom whatever and she says to me I go what times your dad get home she goes my dad gets home about 5 30 what times your mom get home and she goes my mom died about three years ago I don't have a mom guys I had never experienced that like at that age of 13 I was so naive but I thought your mom was around forever so when she told me this that she didn't have a mom guys it was like taking the fucking oxygen out of me like I was like I gotta go like I really got to go and she's like what's the matter I just don't feel sick I got on the bus I went home on the way home on the bus I'm saying to myself who doesn't have a

fucking mother who doesn't have a fucking mother what the fuck did you do in the previous fucking life not to have a fucking mother everybody has a mother I definitely have to edit this even a fucking scorpion has a mother but Jeffrey Dahmer had a mother I mean sit guys I was guys guys don't judge me I was 13 I was very naive I knew about criminality and I knew about all this bar shit and drugs and shooting people because of the environment but I didn't know nothing about you know I never imagined something like that who fucking does this happen to there's a God right I went to church I went to fucking church and

there's a fucking God and there's a station to the cross and you're supposed to be protected when you eat that fucking cookie so so who doesn't have a fucking mother guys I'm talking about right now don't be a fucking irrational put yourself being 13 years old the first time you heard somebody did not have a mother you were like Jesus fucking Christ you didn't even think of that happening to you like fucking the fuck not having a dog or fuck not having a father or your grandfather died but the fucking thought of not having a fucking mother so guess what this fucking jerk off did I couldn't talk to no more I

could not fucking talk to her no more I called her a week later and said listen man I can't keep going down there on the bus you know I really like you she never knew I could not fucking tolerate it could not think about it that was the eighth grade well two years later I find my mother dead on the fucking floor and guess what I thought about what the fuck do you think I thought about I couldn't believe that I thought that way the fucking gig on about cocksucker I've tried the time down again and this is what happened for me like I could never think of this and now this is happening for me I never forgot that girl's name I

look her up on Facebook like once every 15 days I do and I look at the pictures and I look at her pictures and I try to get the strength to even add me as a friend so I could tell her that story I really do guys I don't fucking have the balls to fucking every two weeks I look at that day and I look at the pictures she's all fucked up now she hasn't blocked you she didn't block no she's got like you know there's her there's her second marriage and she got two different type of kids cute kids you know I'm saying when you mix like fucking she's got like an Arab kid and the Spanish kid I'm not saying nothing bad I'm

just telling you a story and she listens she says she you know she lives somewhere else in Jersey and you know I've always felt fucking guilty about that like how the fuck could I feel that way at that age like what I thought was unimaginable is fucking happening to me you know so it freaks me out now I'm 26 doesn't it freak you out yeah it freaked me out I snorted coke for 27 years that's how much it freaked me out I kidnapped the guy that's how much it freaked me out I robbed the gas station eight times poor Freddie how many punches did he take to the head I ate cheeseburgers for 26 years

that was the creepiest podcast of all time but listen listen guys listen to me I'm the type of guy I like crazy people so I really don't give a fuck you know that guy is a great guy the pimp is not a bad guy he's really cool he really is cool you can see his creepiness but guys who isn't what guy listen what guy in this room what guy in this room right now wouldn't want to hold on a whorehouse with 400 women or a million there and you can walk out with a robe and have somebody just ring a bell and a woman comes flying at you through the air takes your dick out and sucks it what's what man fantasy isn't that it's not for me

but he's doing well with it and they're all doctoral candidates remember the one the first time was like from BU going to medical school he always dates like these doctoral candidates you know and listen more power to them she says she's our 45 grand put away that she made money sometimes ladies you got to sit there and go fuck I gotta start sucking dick yeah 19 I got this great pussy and I get stabbed once every three months I'm on fucking match.com ain't nobody hit me up this is the best years of my pussy when anybody would really really want it you know these perverts they paid high dollar for 19 but you're sitting at home

watching fucking glee whatever the fuck is on and I'm not an advocate for prostitution but that's the other side of it I would never want a woman to go out there like the integration finger sitting there all fucked up for two hours you think she's fucked up saying that shit because she's happy now she fucking flipped the button 20 years ago and now she's trying to make a comeback but it's all over you know everybody's worried about concussions how many time can a bit slap you in the head before you lose your memory where you're from I have no idea I've sucked 80 dicks it's all I fucking know I get 200 and

the guy keeps 190 and gives me 10 fucking dollars you imagine that's sucking a dick for 300 and giving somebody 250 and you keep 50 fucking dollars that's a nice goddamn life huh your mom did a great fucking job and your mad teacher did a good fucking job he never told you percentages oh I forgot I remembered you gave me like a big chunk of the gummy star right before they came in I didn't know he was gonna be there so I look out the door on this fucking one Jeremy coming in we don't have enough chairs we I had to go and find another Mike and he's there fucking looking like really weird I was getting higher by

the minute and I just sit on a bucket I do not like porn I rather jerk off from fantasy I do not like porn but when I was in 1987 I worked at a video store and I put one of his films on and I thought it was just wrong I thought it was wrong I don't ever want to watch a man fucking somebody but if it is I want to look like Superman right around I don't want to see no fucking fat guy like me fucking some chick I want his body to be banging you know I'm saying I don't want to see his dick I don't want to see his ass well I want to know he goes to the gym he's taking care of himself you know even if he gets fucking VD he's all

right the next day he goes to the gym how many diseases do you think Ron Jeremy got in his life all of them imagine that what is dick when he goes to heaven with God's gonna say no I'm like Ron really have the harmonica practicing when he took the harmonica guys that one time I thought Lee was gonna have really a heart attack I really I was the first time I was really concerned with Lee's health he didn't stop he got caught one of those I was sitting on the floor fucking breathe in his box kept breaking the

more and more his box kept breaking and you can't see it but Joey will like make eye contact with someone and then like look at me and I knew you were planning it for like 20 minutes and then he's like looked at him and looked at me and said hey Ron why don't you break out the harmonica and I just he knew it was gonna get me evil got to that entire thing with no harmonica there is nothing like seeing somebody's face when danger is coming there is nothing like seeing someone's face when there's danger coming when somebody sees you they're happy to see

you and they make eye contact with you but they step wrong they almost break their ankle and they get all twisted up and you see that look on their face I there is nothing better than danger and says exit another one of my guilt stories then we'll get the fuck out of here I had this kid that lived next to me Valentine Farrell I don't care fucking don't erase his name I haven't seen him in years his name is cool yeah he's cool I can't find them I've been looking for him for 10 fucking years he was a great kid he was a nerd he was the first

real nerd I knew he could fix anything but his specialty was bikes if you brought him a stolen bike give him fucking two hours two hours he was like gone in 60 seconds with that movie new Vin new paperwork seats this motherfucker was bad how old was he 13 he lived on top of Cathy Ortiz they were Jehovah witnesses so we got her number me and him were called the Cathy Ortiz in Spanish and we hang up the fucking phone right what's that mean Jehovah fucking witnesses Jehovah fucking witnesses that's what that fucking means all right so and next to him lived the Clemens's okay the Clemens's were the family of

like 12 and we I love Michael Clemens I love Mr. Clemens and I love the sisters but there was a rumor going around that they had fleas so wait did you start the rumor no no no no no no no no so a Cuban kid at McKinley told him one time Glamito his name was Mike Clemens so this kid Martin Perez said Glamito tiene piojo in front of a thousand white kids so now every white kid at the school every time we see Clemens will say Glamito tiene piojo Glamito tiene piojo so we had Glamitos next to Jehovah witnesses next to Valentine the dead devil upstairs next to my family who was a bunch of fucking coke snorting coke dealing santeria killing

chickens and shit there was a little guy down the corner from me a little tiny guy that was real prejudice and he was just sitting in front of his house with his wife and every time he'd see me go where you going spick boy to go up there and kill some chickens he's telling me what was going on in my house uh-oh you got those dark skin Cubans over there I guess you're having one of those santeria parties somewhere there's a goat that's missing fucking hysterical this guy Mr. Otino I hated that motherfucker but he was comical I never got offended by that shit at that age because I didn't know why I didn't have time really spick boy and I wouldn't laugh it was hysterical he used to say shit to me all the time but the point

we're getting I said I want to at some age I love motorcycles I learned how to rob these my friends used to rob motorcycles one day I bought one a Honda 50 a mini trail there are no clutch three speed oh shit and you would take him to fucking valentine and he would bore those motherfuckers out so instead of doing 22 miles an hour now you could do like 90 fucking valentine was a bad motherfucker he had cylinders coming out of your engine and shit valentine ferro could work on anything guys I'm not kidding you but I had all these I had that and I had an XR 75 valentine's mom wouldn't let him have a fucking motorcycle but he could have all the bicycles he want because valentine's Achilles heel was he was a fucking dead devil a natural born dead devil

like fuck you with that ramp you're a fucking piece of shit he would take a bicycle on top of fucking stairs and go down to me and then fall and break his shoulder but he'd come back six weeks later ready to do it again valentine was the original motherfucking those people jackass only he was fucking Cuban and he fucking hung up by himself he didn't do drugs he didn't drink his mother would go and he could hear that whistle anywhere we could be in the middle of something he would just this and fucking pee it was just terrible so he was one of my goombas I always love valentine ferro but every time he hung out with me something always bad happened to him he always had that luck and then I'd see him the next day and he'd go what the fuck man you know

why'd that board come flying out of the air something was just bad chemistry and I loved him we were tight but every time we'd hang out we'd hang out for a day and I'd lure him with my energy and the next day something would always happen to him so again it's christmas eve and we're out there fucking talking about motorcycles and my buddy called me richie vanichek he goes dog I want to sell this motorcycle I got he had one of those little more ones you guys ever see those this is old school what you pull them and he had them board out richie vanichek was a a Czechoslovakian kid that was another dirty mechanic motherfucker this thing was even faster than my fucking Honda mini trail this thing had sparse 50 bucks but he goes don't ride it because the seat isn't on

there he goes on the way home go real slow because the seat isn't screwed on tomorrow or after christmas go get a a fucking screw and screw it on there and then you can ride it and you know me okay but it had just snowed three or four days earlier there was very cold there was black ice so I rode the motorcycle home I get in front of my house I open up the garage when I'm revving the motorcycle within two minutes you hear the window open up the slider it's valentine ferro he's like what's going on down there oh shit is that yours I go yeah he goes I'll be right down and he closed the window and you can hear him and his mom boy pow wow no I have a little loud they'd argue and then you see valentine come out the window and so valentine comes over and he's looking at it

and he's foaming from the fucking mouth guys he's like this is bad to the bone he's like how much did you pay for this I go 50 he's like I got 22 hours let me be a partner I'm like come on valentine and he goes let me take it for a test run like a valentine the seat don't work as fuck that guys I live done I live in north berg I came out of north berg it's the second hilliest town in the country second hilliest town in the country behind san francisco every hill is like this he made me look it up on wikipedia a fucking unbelievable their hills are like this in north bergen there's a hill 43rd street it's like this guys I'm wish I was lying to you the hill I grew up with was like this but it was two miles to get to the fucking civilization up and down there was one chinese restaurant there

was a chinese bodega at chino he was a chino guano he was half cuban half chinese and on sundays oh yeah he had a bangin daughter she was like lucy lu in 1978 banging and on sundays he made that numau with his spare ribs and he made pork fried rice right out of the back of the fucking bodega before the Arabs were doing this shit he was doing this in 79 so I don't know how the how the fuck did we end up talking about that chino the name of the grocery was el dragon grocery right and you call like his friends call the chino store yeah the chino store the whole fuck i'm sorry no offense you know i love it and i know it's an asian people you know i love it he was cool as fuck this motherfucker was badass he woke me up like after pink floyd the wall that

whole era like 1980 i went out one night did a couple coelues it was really cold and i and i broke into his little lobby there and like he woke me up because i thought he went the fuck you don't they want that the chicken they want that the chicken and he woke me up what the fuck he spoke he's chinese guy but he spoke spanish and his cousin's had a store on 56th street the chinese bell who's better than them fried rice black beans a sparer but a steak you understand me smoking those fucking cuban chinese guys right what was i talking about i don't know what oh martin all right so valentine says fucking let me take the bike for a ride

i go valentine there's no fucking thing on this he goes fucking you know me i'm a professor and i go all right take it this motherfucker gets on the motorcycle boom boom boom go to the top top top top of the hill top by grace avoyer the onion that was her name in spanish her name was grace avoyer her mother had an affair with this big fat guy and whenever he was fucking her we put a banana in his tailpipe way before neville hill's cop mother fuckers forget the banana but forget the banana in the tailpipe we put a potato in this tailpipe this is 1974 fuck you check your fucking facts so who gave us that valentine ferro he was a fucking uh whatever a mechanic do what where does the onion come in her name is grace avoyer avoyer in spanish is the onion what the

fuck week wikipedia that cucksucker so now valentine goes to the top of the hill guys it's 1045 in jersey it's december 23rd or 24th it's fucking freezing and there's black ice on my block he goes to the top of the thing he's revving that motherfucker standing on the thing and he looks at me and he's like watch this and he sits down guys and he takes off and i could see his face he's fucking determined he's like this but all of a sudden the bike tire the rear one hit a piece of black ice and the tire went this way and he twisted a little bit him but when he went like this the seat got loose so he was holding on to the handlebars right but the seat was all the way loose

right so once he adjusts he's like it was fear like he went from evil to evil like give me the finger and shit with a big smile on his face to fucking fear he just locked up like he was just held on and he was looking at me and he didn't know what to do and he was losing control and the seat was slipping farther and farther and eventually he'd have to just let go the valentine was a soldier he held on all the way to the end to union turnpike by that time there was smoke coming out of his sneakers because they were just hanging there oh my god union turnpike is a street that goes this way you know and he we were going this way he was like this and finally right before he hit union turnpike he let go of the fucking bike the bike went across the lanes the bike survived

oh valentine did 19 of those fucking he had like a balcony got stitched up on christmasy valentine had to go for fucking stitches dog he was mad at me for like three months but fuck him it was you i wasn't even worried about him when he was tumbling i was worried about the bicycle and i'll tell you whose house lived at the end whose motorcycle that would have hit if i would have not got there it all goes back to breaking into a house and eating her pussy lucy snobush there you go i love you guys thank you very much coming out i love you guys around my heart have a great weekend we'll be outside if you got a joint spark it we ain't shy if you are never before we'll be out there waiting on you thank you