Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The BIG Payoff

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

What kind of wh*re do you want to be? This week Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt discuss Joey taking his daughter to a rock concert, Joey's advice to comedians looking to take the next step in comedy, Joey injuring his knee boxing and much more! SHOW NOTES DraftKings has you fully covered this playoff season. Sign up with code JOEY & spend $5 to get $200 in rewards within 21 days at https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, June the 2nd, and yes, the rent is due. Uncle Joey here to bring you another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now, new edition, whatever. I don't know. My man, Lee Syatt's here, my trusted little Jewish cato. Hello.

And we're back from a beautiful weekend. What up, Lee Syatt? Tell me something, brother. I had a good weekend. I went to Nyak for the first time. You have to drive 10 hours. That mall is fucked up. Have you been,

do you ever go on the mall or do you just go in the back and then? It's not going on the back. I don't even walk in the wall. You walk to one more, you're seeing them all. Dude, that mall, they don't have working escalators on the first floor.

I was thinking about you the entire time. I was like, there's no way he went. You have to go upstairs? You have to walk up the escalator. That's what I'm the first floor. They got no use for me. Oh my God.

I've learned to hate stairs more and more. Like, sometimes I watch, like I go on my whoop and it says high stress. I go, I think I'm no high stress. Oh, I haven't been for that place before.

As soon as I see stairs, it just jumps, especially with my knee now. I don't want to deal with it, man. Yeah. You had good shows? It was good. Yeah, yeah. Friday was, you know, I was happy. The Friday was a two-man show and it was the best.

Those two-man shows are tough. Like opening up and then doing half an hour is, it's taken some getting you. Like, I'm just, I think that's like, you know, we've talked about it to me for the entire time I've done stand-up. But hosting is like the hardest part for me. It's, because I'm not a super high-energy person. and when you see... Listen, listen. You can't keep telling me this.

I'm not a super whatever person, but for that particular job, that's what it needs. Oh, and I've gotten better at it. But yeah, but it's... You got to pick it up a little bit. Yeah. You know, they just got driving. You got to...

The opening position is the hardest. But once you never master it, you just get really good on it. And then it works on every other thing. You're going to drag that into feature. Yeah. You're going to drag that into headline. That's called slowing people down.

Yep. Slowing people down. I'll give you an example. The greatest mob boss of all time. He would always have his wife answer the door. Yeah. Because she was a sweet old lady. And she would defuse the situation.

Carlo Gambino. And she would defuse the situation at the door. Whatever you were thinking about, whether you were thinking of stabbing or who were you going to rob. It stopped at that door. And she climbed you and she gave you tea. And I just want to talk to George. You ever go to something?

I just don't know what some mother's talking to you about. But it's slowing you down. And it's the same thing with people. They just drove. The kid didn't know where they were going when they got in a car. You know, doubt they were regular people on a Friday or Saturday. Yeah. You're going to slow them down.

Make them feel welcome. It takes, you go to somebody's house and they say sit, when a glass of water, it takes 25 seconds. Yeah. And you left. You used to do that with the podcast. Love it. That studio in L.A., all the studios, but the last one,

we had a couch there. Like tonight felt like that kind of night because we'd get there for eight but we didn't start the podcast 10. I don't know. Videos, concerts. We'd watch everything before the podcast.

Yeah. And then we get into a conversation that gets, we're going to go. Yeah, we forget that we weren't taping. But that's all it is. It's greeting people.

Like when you go to a restaurant, you walk in, you're like, man, we're five minutes later. They're going to give away the table. And also the girl greets and she got the best smile in the world. Yeah.

That's, fine you're early. If you want to sit at the bar and get a drink, you want me to get you something here, and all of a sudden, whatever you were thinking about, just disappeared. And hosting is like the one thing.

I don't steal material, but hosting I steal, when I see someone do something good as a host, I steal that way more than I, like, take, like, influences from... It's not material. It's like a move or... It's a move or like,

a comeback or preparation or... This guy who opened for Ari Maddie. His name is Fuzz. He's a door guy at the mothership, but he, dude, he would do this one thing and I steal it now. He had the, clap on three. And I don't do it every time. But like I felt when he did it, like, I just felt like,

all the audience, like, kind of like focused in and like got together. I was like, oh, shit, that's a good one. So sometimes if I'm getting good, but like, so just like little things like that. As a host, I steal little moves that I see people do that. Tip your glass. Yeah. Tip your glass for something so stupid. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like today's the day, Popeye got killed by Pluto in 1944. And they'll just look at you. That's the humor that. You're taking a minute from, you know, like somebody famous died. Mm-hmm. Like, didn't someday somebody died and somebody else died and nobody talked about Farah.

Michael Jackson died, so the whole world was looking at Michael Jackson and here Farrow force it was dead. Oh, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, it's the same fucking thing. Yeah. Sort of. That's smart.

It's interesting shit to world, man. So that way, yeah, it was a great weekend. How are you doing, dude? I'm alive and kicking the knee. I fucked up boxing last week. He's just twisting and shit. But, uh, I don't. Like it's okay?

Yeah. No, it wasn't, it was not nothing bad. You didn't snap anything. No, no, I just, you overdid it. You have a certain amount in your leg, and every day you have to pace yourself. But Sundays, you feel better. You got a good night's sleep. Your wife sucked your dick, you know, something.

You have the cookies you want it. So you go in there and you're feeling good. And even though this happens, it happened to be a lot after 45, no matter of jihitoo, Whatever I'm doing, you go, you have a certain time because you know you have to recover at a certain age. But then at the same time, Pedro walks in. He's like, hey, Joey, you have a really nice book. You're missing the snap on your jab.

And next thing you know, we work on it. And next thing you know, he wants to put it into practical use. So now, we're there another three rounds, throwing punches. I'm not built for that. My body had enough for 44 minutes. Yeah. Now I'm at 54 minutes. I feel good.

I feel young. Look, I'm doing what the young kids do in your head. Do you get in your car? And then get off the first time to get something to drink. And you're like, I can't get out of the car. Oh. I can't get out of the fucking car. Yeah.

You have to pick one leg up and then the other leg, put it across you. So that's all I did. It wasn't nothing like I heard it. No. It swole up. I went to PT. They worked it. And I just took the weekend off.

I only walked at my daughter's softball game. Are you doing acupuncture still? Yeah, but not in that leg. It's a metal leg. That doesn't work it with metal legs? She wanted to do it the first week, and I was kind of like against it. I wanted to take all the anesthesia out of me

and all that shit first. I go again this week, and this week she'll probably stab me a little bit. You've done that the entire time I've known you, acupuncture. I'm clean from Coke, 19 years in November. I've been doing acupuncture for 20 years. Right.

Damn. Except the pandemic. Really? Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Nobody was going to touch you. And what do you notice with acupuncture? I look at my legs.

And they're not my legs when I was 400 pounds. Did you have the really thick legs? I had the really thick calves. That's not good for you. Yeah. You know, you don't want those fat fucking calves. You ever go eat something? And you look down and some lady's got big fat calves and you're like,

you just throw your cheeseburger away. You're like, you know, someone went to that Yankee game. The chick's feet was swollen. She got everything. Diabetes. She had malongola. She had a toe missing. It wasn't healing.

And then a tattoo that was pink on the foot to try to throw you off of the fucking diabetic curses she was going through. So I didn't like that. I didn't like. I had stains against the wall, my legs. So I had her break that up. Oh, dude. That's one thing that's like, you know, when you're shopping. for a car and then you see that car everywhere.

You, you, it's like a curse you put on me. You showed me those legs in L.A. once. And now as a fat guy, it's all I see anywhere. And if like those, like the, they call it like lymphodema or something and then like, it's all bruised up. That shit will kill you.

Oh. That shit will kill you more. Look what they're saying now. Sugar, cocaine is better than doing sugar. If you do coke, you're in better hands than if you do sugar. Where did you see that? It's all over the place. It's at my drug dealer's house.

Dude, I feel like Instagram does that. They'll put stuff up there like, bro, the whole world is fucking crazy. Any wife with a chubby fat dude is really happy. The last 30 days, a hot chick hits me up every day to want to follow me. And I keep looking why. I don't know if they're hookers. It doesn't even say hook or go to this page or Lincolnden or fucking, you know. I think they're usually bots.

But maybe who knows? What do you mean? I got a Puerto Rican. on there every day. She just throws a dress on and gives her measurements and she wants somebody to put in her ass, you know. Oh, that might be real, then. She spells it backwards and you're like, you know what?

I don't need this at 7.30 in the fucking morning. I can't handle that shit no more. Some chick shaking up and down, but, yeah, you can't read nothing on there. You can either got to read it a book or you don't even know anymore, but it gets accurate fucking news. Oh, my God. And that's what sucks right now. See, you just got to, you know, I usually just go to whatever.

Yahoo. You're still on Yahoo. You're really loyal. And then I fucking... You're the last guy who goes to Yahoo.com every morning. And you go to that thing that it gives you the AI explanation to it. Okay. And that's how I know of you bullshit me, you know? Are people hitting you up for, like, AI stuff? Like, for you to, like, to, like, to film yourself so you can be in movies without being in them, anything like that? I can't hit it up with so many crazy things that you guys would never, ever even imagine.

Okay. Like if I talk about something on the podcast, that's how I know if it hits. Like for three weeks, I got peptide information, which I got to talk to you guys about later. Like people who hit me up for peptide questions. Hey, man, I don't live in Jersey. I can't go to underground nutrition. Is there any place else you could recommend? The place I was using went out of business.

Right. I hope. Because the L.GOP1 was off or something like that. So now when you go on Instagram, every third ad is Somerlin, this, that, this, that. Everybody can't have 100% pure. No. So half these things, you send the fucking 50 bucks, and they're saying you're like powder and you mix it.

You don't know what you're shooting. Can I be very careful. You ever buy anything from Instagram? I would have been shocked if you said yes. I've gotten tricked a couple times. The only thing I bought from Instagram is a knee brace. And it worked? That was the one they sent you, right?

Yeah. And now I'm like family with them. Yeah. I bought a knee brace from them, and they took care of me as Jose Diaz. They did not know I was joking. So I went back to them. I go, thank you.

They sent the knee brace. It wasn't right. And they sent two more. Nice. And they told me to keep that one. Most people tell you, ship it back or whatever. Fuck that. When you lose weight, see if it's, like that really nice guys.

But I see 22 ads for necktides. Oh, yeah. And not all of them could be fucking fantastic. No. Everybody's lab test. Everybody's everything, but I don't see the paperwork. I want to see this shit. Don't tell me about how it's lab tested.

this and that. Oh, we got, let me see the report on the car. It's in the office. I don't need that. Bring it over here. I don't need any office. You're trying to sell a car. Yeah.

Oh, we can't find it. We send it to the insurance company. Where's the mannequin? Where's the mechanics fucking report here? Yeah. Where's the car fax? Where's the car fax? So it's always something.

Yeah. So that's why I don't even want to get involved. Like, the reason I was going to talk to him today, but I don't have all the info on me is because because of girl. I've known this since I met here. I go to a dad's gym. You know, I'm real tight with a dad. And she cuts hair, so she used to cut my hair.

The other sister has a Pilate studio. And the other sister's like a lawyer. But it's like a really fitness. Like the father does 80 laps before he leaves the house. On the pool, he eats 30 eggs a day. Damn. He has 10 different, different type of eggs. So he knows what type of egg wants to eat that day.

protein is big with them. So she started a peptide company. I took her out to dinner about eight weeks ago. She, you know, we were just talking. I said, I haven't spoken to you. And we said, we went on a Tuesday night, and we fucking talked about peptides and stuff. And she goes, I have an idea.

And she put together, but she told me it took her 16 months of research. Okay. Because she didn't want nobody getting sick or anything like that. So the company she went in, she bought part of it. to check all the stuff. So she's part of the organization. And I just called her the other day. I go, I need a, I need Nad.

I don't know when I get mad, good Nad. And she goes, I got it for you, Joy. What's that? Nat is an AD for your fucking older guys. It's cellular mate and shit. Okay. Cells. Don't ask me.

No, because I'm just, like, dude, I've never cared. It's not that I haven't cared about my health. But honestly, not really. to be, I mean, I have, I don't want to die, but like, I've never enjoyed working out. I've never enjoyed doing anything. And like the last year, like I've started to, like, I feel like when you get to like 40s, when like people start to be like, okay, maybe I should start looking into this a little bit.

I should have done it earlier. But it's, I don't know. Listen, man, I fell in love with comedy and fitness, not fitness. The menu went out the window. I always walked. I don't have a car in holly. that's Josh Wolf. I would have walked from his house,

the comedy store, back to Ralphies, back, you know, I was one of those idiots. At night, if I didn't have a car, I used to walk home from the comedy school. Tuesday nights,

you had to walk in between that and that place, the sushi place. That's a half a mile. Just to see if you were going to do, there was four people to do a show. Because they wouldn't pick up the phone at the comedy store.

Of course not. So you had to walk back and forth. There's, you know, pay phones were around 98. But, probably just, Started putting on waiting. There was the sleep apnea portion of it.

And me just, you know, it's that menu. If you do comedy six nights a week and you eat the food at the comedy clubs. Oh, you can't. You know, and it's all fried, but you're starving. You're starving. You don't have a lot of money. So you feel, oh, it's fish. Well, I'm healthy.

But it's fried fish from a fucking river behind the comedy club, you know. God forbid. Like, dude, what about New York? Coming? I've never lived anywhere. that had food like New York. Oh, no. L.A. was great and had great Mexican food, great sushi.

But you walk in New York. Yeah, and thank God, I would be 800 pounds. Yeah, you walk in New York. That's between New York and L.A. You want to walk in New York. If you want it, you got it. You walk everywhere, yeah. You can walk to Brooklyn.

If you want it, you got it. So that alleviates that one hot dog you may have. It's 300 calories. You know, you walk for an hour, and then you got on a train. plus your sweat, plus you know. There's so much things going on. So, yeah. But it's just, I let the food dominated me.

I love food. But I got to catch myself like anybody else. At one point, you know, and you don't know one of this. It could be when you're 32. I lived with George when I was 32. I was some great shit. But when I was with George in 93, I had no money. I would have to walk from Cliffside Park,

five. Listen to me on Bergen Boulevard all the way down the 68th Street and walked down the hill because the gym was on Tunley Avenue, but it was for free. It didn't charge me to work out. From there, I'd walk back to hashways and deliver sandwiches for two hours. And then after that, you walked. I had to walk home and there was nobody around. I had to walk the cliffside because I'd rather keep that dollar for later.

I might need that dollar to go to the city. You know what I'm saying? When you're looking at dollars like that. Yeah. So walking became second. It'll save you. That's a foot. When I drive it now, I'm like, I can't believe I used to walk this.

When I walk up, when I drive up 76th Street Hill on a Monday, I go, I cannot believe we would walk down this hill to get beer. And then the crazy thing, walked back up the hill with three cases of beer and a bag of ice and a bottle of jack. Who does that? But it was a different generation and people fucking walked. Yeah. And people walked now. What am I saying? I'm sounding like an idiot.

Certain places you live at, you're going to be forced to walk. But even in the city, like, we were saying yesterday, Pedro, I don't know if you've seen it. But like, the city's kind of dead in the winter. And the winter and like early spring when it's cold, the last couple days in the city, there's been people, like, and people are out because they fucking stay in when it's 20 degrees. because that's that's the what we'll get you. Like is trying to when like I'll open up to it. Like now I'll go to shows at all night.

There'd be sometimes if it's snowing and it's eight degrees, I'm like, I'm not going on open. No, I can't get mad at you for that. Some people react better through the winter. You know, if you're in two nights and it's 10 degrees eventually, Wednesday you're going to go, I'm going out. Yeah. He's got to put some fucking muffins on and shit.

But we're talking about health and walking. Yeah. That's, that's, you know, at one point, you just change your lifestyle around. See, I used to walk, but I'll tell you what happened to me is I got over. You ain't got to believe this shit. I had all the cocaine and all the paranoia, all those years walking in Harlem. George will tell you with a walkman. Now I can't walk with my ears covered.

Don't trust it. I don't know if I'm going to sneak up behind me. I don't trust the cars no more. And I walk opposite. even when I ride my bike in California, you think I ride on the bike lane? Yeah, but on the opposite way. I want to see you coming in.

I don't want you behind me. No. I never want you behind me. So that, you know, listen, health is whatever the fuck you want it to be. George hasn't lifted away in his life. He smokes Marlboro Reds. I think there is definitely a lot of luck.

George doesn't give a fuck about anything. He'll eat through when he's in the mood, you know. It's not like George is going to tell you, I had four grams of fruit and six grams of tuna. You know, so. George told me, because we've been driving, we spent a lot of time together recently because we drive down here.

George, George has, like, routines that I didn't, even as a fat guy I never had. He's like, I have my nightly chocolate cake. He goes, he goes and. And don't get me starting on a fucking faggy tea. He has that night.

And you call him. He's like, I'm just getting ready with a cup of tea. And I can actually see him, spinning a thing around. And it's George. It gets caught and shit. He can't figure it out. George is a different planet.

And listen, this shit with the tickets is the only thing that will blast them out of the house. George does not leave the house unless three quarters of a pack of cigarettes down. And six or seven coffees. Four coffees. You know, that's George. But that's what makes George George. George loves that shit. He gets up in the morning.

He doesn't even piss. He just rolls over and lights a cigarette right there on the bed. He rubs his feet and he just eats his cigarette. And he'll find no reason to get up. George, the car's coming to get you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll just light up another cigarette and meditate. And then at three to eight, you'll pop out of that bed and everything.

He's like Superman. The hair's fucked up. You know, some people could do that shit. But everything's going to catch up with you guys. No matter what you do, it's going to catch up. up with you. I'm not a fucking smart guy. But I know that ever since I turned 50, I got a little concerned. And then when I had that lunatic upstairs, I got a little bit more concerned.

Because you don't want your kid finding you in the kitchen to where I found my mother on the floor. Right. Okay, you can't bring that back. So you start thinking, you know, like I can't eat late tonight. That's the best time to eat. That's when my mom died. Three in the morning making fucking steak and eggs or some shit.

Who does that? Who comes home at three in the morning and decides to, but she did that all the time. My mom didn't come home and make a sandwich. She cooked like if you guys were coming over. Ain't nobody coming over. Four in the morning, who's coming over? Why are you done?

She's back there fucking banging potato. What are you doing? Four in the morning, that was her world. I don't know. And it was when people die. And when you eat and go right to bed and you're old. like, you don't you die, unless you do a line of Coke

to move shit around and you're up to eat in the fucking morning. Does it move shit around? Yeah, but when I was a kid, people would do a line of Coke at the table, not white kids, my family, my parents, my stepdad. They would, coffee before coffee and that guava,

they do a little bump just to taste just to move shit around on your stomach and you hear your stomach. Start going whack, ah, wah. And then you get up, you go shit. And you come back on this round two. Of what? Coke or?

No, of food. Offie, wabber with shells. This, that, this, you know. It's fucking crazy. Do you imagine what your daughter and her friends would do of you, if someone did Coke at the table with them? They couldn't have. Listen, I went somewhere the other day,

and people get into this argument that I was getting into with people. George, can I get to water when you get a minute? I was getting into this argument with people. getting into this argument with people six years ago. When I moved here, I did not understand the concept of kids. But George, we went out every day, you know, and I care parents, it's not parents for it. It's where society shifted. Thank you, Pedro. It's where society shifted. So you don't see kids at night walking around, but they do other goofy things. They either go to a wah-wah and hang out, like we did in front of a pizza place.

Yeah, I went to, I went to the mall. I don't know if you guys did that, but that when I started like middle school, that was a place to go. We had no fucking more. We had Paramus Mall. Unless we weren't going to rob it, we ain't going to no mall. So, and you see these kids and I have a child. And I go all around the country.

I'm going to Kentucky. Like the feature said, you want to go eat lunch? And I go, driving that residential neighbor, but not one kid, not one basketball. court. But when I moved here and I saw that jersey was like this, I'm like, I was flabbergasted. Even as a fucking regular guy, I'm like, something's not right. The whole kid things has evolved. And as a parent, even as an old mule like me, you have to accept it. Yeah, there's no point. Kids, I could throw Merciotti every day at 3.30. There ain't another kid out there. She didn't go to school last week. It was a half day. New Jersey State, they told them, if you finished the test, you need to come in.

Not one kid stayed home. She was all alone. At 12 o'clock, she's like, Dad, they all went to school. They lied to me. Mercy, what did you expect? Kids go to school and they don't have to? Yeah, like they went to school. It was like a half a day.

Two Fridays ago with some shit. The mother's day. I don't fucking know what it was. The mom was out of town. I said, stay home. We stayed up late watching Fight Club, not Scarface. We watched Scarface last week. It's terrible.

But, listen, she watched Scarface. She has to write a review. I tell you what she wrote. I tell any of you, motherfuckers, what her review was? I don't know how I felt about this movie. I don't know if I enjoyed it or whatever, but whoever wrote this movie that mother should have taught you more manners. You shouldn't treat women like that. Wow. That's what she saw. She goes the two smacks of the face, the way he would treat his sister, and the way, he goes, I didn't like it then. Okay, that's what you saw at 13. I saw a bunch of people storing Coke.

I wish I was there. You saw this. Okay, I ain't gonna. So do you see what they're seeing? They're seeing something completely different. Yeah. Speaking of which, she came to me. Three weeks ago and she goes, Dad, I went to see this band and they're playing again,

May 29th. Can you take me? They're all fans of yours. I go, yeah, I'll take her. So Friday came, we got dressed. I didn't do no mushrooms. I didn't do no edibles. I wanted the full experience.

I was going to get to see my daughter in her natural habitat with a bunch of other 13, 14, 15. So we get in, I meet the band, the kids fucking dynamite. I didn't know what to expect. I went there because there was nothing else to do. And I'm taking my daughter. I could have stayed in the car or I could have dropped her off. It's not my bag.

I stayed there and watched it. First off, the band was insane. They were called Crazier, Enzo and his little brother. But this fucking other kid, the leader of the band, was fucking great. And then they started performing. I saw the songs they were putting out. They put out a deaf leopard song from 1979. Their parents weren't alive when that song came out.

Never mind them. Are these people in Mercy's age? Yeah. Mercy's 13. She's the youngest one. Mercy's girlfriend from high school. that hangs with us. She took Mercy to the first one. Mercy became friends with the one guitar player. They started talking. Then Mercy had to block him because she said he was too needy.

So she didn't like him. She was trying to talk to him, Dad, but I can't take this people calling me all day and stuff. I got shit to do. She's your daughter. And then she blocked him. And the kid was there. And he was out of stare at my daughter. My daughter was on. So I just sat there and watched her sing and dance and jump up and down. she's going to definitely be a fucking groupie. Jesus, jumping up and down, like fucking singing all the songs, though. That's a different kind of groupie.

We came here one day, we put a hopper teacher on, she never saw it. They closed it off the teacher. She lost her mind. She looked right at me. She's like, she just started dancing like Waldo.

They did Mr. Crowley. They did something from Iggy Pop, which I was like, come on, man. Kids today to know about Iggy Pop, cut it the fuck out. They're all jumping up and down to Drake. Yeah, so I told, I don't even know what the fuck that is. The dog, the hour I was there, and then I met the parents, the parents are dying.

I thought about George, a lot of single moms, George, banging, banging single moms, a blonde one, very sweet. Everybody was very nice. I bought some water, and I bought some popcorn. They gave me some stickers, crazier, and I was home by 945. I feel like you're going to become their manager. I would love to. I just don't know where to take them. I'm going to start.

Like, I don't know, even a comic. I know what to tell you to say on stage. I know how to, you know, start getting you booked, but I don't know how to get you into a room. Right. That does me no good. Why would I sign you if I can't get you into a room? I got to get you into a room, you know, a couple rooms.

Right. CBS, HBO here in New York. why can't get you into a room? I bet you couldn't. Why would I lie to you? Everyone else is. It's fucking crazy. But I would love to take a comedy manager and get like four guys.

Oh, to be a comedy manager. Oh, you do. Yeah, four people. I was thinking about this. Two MCs, a feature, and a headliner. How do you even, I got introduced to one. And I'm not even saying I'm ready for it yet. But like, do managers and agents just start approaching you?

am I supposed to submit to people? I don't even know where that even is. It's a fucked up situation that I can't even start to explain to you because, okay, I get to L.A., nobody comedic-wise wanted to sign me. So I'm like, all right, how do I get a theatrical wage? People took them with meetings with me.

They called me in. And it's like, where's you're real? Well, I can't get a reel until I get an agent. Well, if you have a real, you can't. can't get an agent. So right there, most people give up. Right. You know, and then you have to think outside the box, maybe do student films until you get a real, you know. There's so many different things. They usually approach you.

Okay. They come, they watch a show and they go, hey, I'm with this. I'd like to talk to you about maybe managing, you know, becoming your agent. You go home, check them out. You know, you have to slow down a little bit. This guy could just be a fucking idiot. You know, and that's the problem you have at this level, like you're meeting guys with a t-shirt. Fucking, like, some guy came up to me,

and he's like, this is my manager. And all of someone with talking, I go, I'm not going to see you this week, but I'll see you next week. He goes, why, where are you going? I'm going to the Nashville comedy festival. The manager goes, what's the name of the festival? He didn't even know there was a Nashville comedy festival.

I got to sit there and go. You're not for me. You've got to go. He's selling you a bill of laden. That's the same bill of laden. I could sell you, but I can't. I could get you into like the three clubs in the city. I can't get you into the comedy seller.

Shit like that I could do. Maybe get you with like a, they don't even have those no more, like a group of string of gigs. Right. You could do and always tell them, I'm going to give you solid guys. I'm not going to waste your time.

No balloon acts, none of that shit. Straight up, stand-up comments. I could do all that shit. I could sit with you and maybe. That's the other thing. I can't tell you if you suck.

And I can't look anybody in the face and say your material sucks. Why? Well, I mean, I don't think you sign someone. You know, somebody tell you your material sucks? It's not like a good fucking feeling. Yeah, but I mean. If somebody comes to me and says, right now, Hey, Joe, you fuck me in the ass.

You're not good in bed. Thank God, that's not my primary focus in life. You know what I'm saying? Right. It's not like I have, let me fuck you in the ass at your party. You know, call me for groups of eight and smaller, you know. Somebody says you were bad, but when this is what we do, Right.

Like people like George told me I sucked. And my friends, I grew up in North Bergen and you're like, you got to quit, man. This is not good. But I can't tell somebody. I don't know what their threshold is. When you get into this shit, your threshold has to be tough. And you have to know what's coming.

In the back of your mind, the first two years I was doing comedy, I'm like, somebody's going to draw a tomato at me. Eventually, one show's gonna probably put a hook. You know, when they fucking hook you around the waist and you're like, hold on, you know, bomb, all that shit. You have to expect that. So when you come to Ming, I bombed the other night and they were mean the same for you. Yeah. Your threshold is not, you know this shit.

Would stand up in the beginning when I was living with George in 93, I bombed every night. I bombed every night. It's hoping Mike with five people that don't. want to laugh, even if you're funny. And then, you know, a bar show once in a while. You want to quit every fucking night, but you wake up the next down and go, you know what, I'm going to do this again. Then you do a contest and you come in 29th out of 25.

You know, what do you tell that guy? What do you want me to tell him? Well, there's a difference between like two, three years in and like eight to ten. Like, that's like... Well, the two or three years is the most sensitive time. Yeah, but you don't. the manager at that point.

I don't want to bump into you one day at a restaurant. I'm like, Lee, how's the comedy doing? I quit ever since you told me when materials suck. Yeah. You follow where this is going, guys. It's not, you can't tell somebody they suck. I could just call you, go to your house, force you to read, give you the Judy Carter workbook,

give you the Jean-Perey workbooks, and even that's outdated. Right. That's not fair. That's outdated. It's outdated, but I don't. But exercises are exercises. Yeah.

Yeah. You can go to a fancy gym and they can do a bench press 150 ways, but we all know the flat bench, bench press is the best to build size. A flat bench, you, and two 55 pound weights or 45, and a bar to start out with. Right.

And that's what I think I need in comics at my level need. Because after like, you know, six, seven years of open my mind. and you're, you know, maybe you're starting to host a couple places or someone's bringing you out. You're doing sets. And then you're like, how do I, how do I turn this? How do I stop doing my day job? Yeah.

How do I not make this my day? I don't make this my day job. Be patient. You'll know when to make them. And you try to tell people that. You know, I could, I could go to George tomorrow and go, listen, my family has a lot of money. I want to learn out of frame. How long.

like a frame. That's up to you. How long you absorb this? You know, that's up to you. How long how much work you want to put it to it. When I got into comedy, dog, I was getting on stage every other week and not getting results. And then you go, like, I get out of state. Then you see somebody else that gets on stage eight times.

And you go, oh, shit. That's the way you're supposed to do it. Yep. Oh, I thought it was one spot a week and fucking, and then the other thing kicks in. You know, so you think, I don't know, bro, there's so many questions that people ask me at that level. Because I don't know how I got through it. I know that I was in L.A. and by 99.5, after two and a half years, I realized that I was good enough for the store, but not, I didn't have what it took to get picked up by a comedy agent. Dude, that's crazy.

You got into the store two and a half years in the stand-up? 97, 9.5, I already figured out. Right. Let's be honest. Right. But even just imagine that now. Imagine a two and a half year comic being like, I'm good enough for, like, they would laugh you out of the state of California. If a two and a half year comic, I'm like, I'm good enough for the store now. No, no, I'm.

No, but I'm sure you were. I'm not saying you weren't, but it's like it's great. But no, I was doing comedy six, seven years. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, 98, 97. Started in 91. What's happened, you savages, Uncle Joey here? The final round of the basketball season is here, and only Draft Kings has you fully covered.

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Hey, I want to talk to you about something. I don't know if you guys know, Grand Theft Diaz is back, Jack, but I'm streaming Grand Theft Auto 5 on Twitch. Check me out at Grand Theft Diaz. That's Twitch TV. That's Twitch.tv.tv slash Grand Theft Diaz. Subscribe for free.

Get it on the chat and play live with me. We're having a blast. And if you're already paying for Amazon Prime, Do me a favor and subscribe with Prime with your Prime membership. Get a free monthly Twitch channel subscription. Again, free monthly Twitch channel subscription. So use it now on me. Uncle Joey is your favorite new streamer.

So go to Twitch.com slash Prime to get started. The best way to keep on the streets of Los Santos and out of trouble is joining me on Twitch. dot TV slash Grant F. Diaz. Stay black, cocksuckers. What I'm saying to you is that I don't know, like I just saw myself already advance by just being at the store.

One day I looked at the big picture. And every night you go to the comedies, like last week you called me one day about a certain comedy club. And what I was trying to say to you was, I don't want to ever go to a comedy store and see eight guys there every night. Going, I'm here to see Pedro.

I'm here to see George. in support. George won't watch me and all this shit. You know what, man? Instead of coming here every night, come here one night a week, I'd rather you all go do comedy.

Listen, everybody wants a steak and a lobster. Some days you've got a burrito. Mm-hmm. Are you with me on this? Like, in my mind, Eisenstadt didn't want me. None of the comedy divisions wanted me,

but I had a pilot, had a commercial. So I knew I was on the right track. Maybe they're not ready for me. Or maybe they just don't like me. I'm not going to worry about them no more. I had a theatrical agent that liked me, the coloring book. That's the best theatrical agent I could get.

The coloring book. All their resumes were on different fucking colored paper and shit. What was I going to do? There was two black women. You know, one was an attorney and one was, and I signed with them. I knew they would get me to the next hurdle. Right. That's all.

Well, everybody else was signing with three arts and fucking this company and this guy had a manager, I had nobody. And I was like, fuck it. I'm not going to worry about that. You know what you're going to worry about? Being funny. Yep. So let's forget about where you're performing.

You got the store. I got Willie Barsena who gives me two spots a week. I got everyone in San Juan that gives me two or George Perez or Felipe. That's all I need. And then, though, I was never like, when all those guys did their rooms on sunset, they didn't come to me. And I knew. I didn't take it person.

It's hard not to. Until people were going to them and going, bro, what's going on? You got to put this guy in here. You got every other fucking open bakery in here. And that's the nice thing about recording your sets is, and I'm doing plenty. I'm not trying, but I feel like I'm not, there's things I'd like,

I'd like if they were different if I was in it more clubs or whatever. But like looking back at sets, like, oh, shit, I'm a lot funnier than I was a year ago. Yeah, yeah, everybody is. not well sometimes sometimes you see people that are doing the same jokes that's stuck or they don't know or whatever but if you do something if you go to the gym four times a week for a year i'm not going to say you're going to look like hercules but you're going to adjust better you're going to have more strength in your shoulders and all your little ligaments these are the things

you don't see right you're just looking in the mirror waiting for your biceps to blow up you don't need enough protein you don't jerk off with that hands You don't do shit. No, you know what I'm saying. Right there. No matter what you do, if you put 80% effort into it, four days a week, after a year, you've got to get somewhere. But that doesn't mean CBS is going to put you on a sitcom. No.

But at the same time, you have not gotten a commercial agent? No. You haven't jumped into a fucking acting class, the cheapest one, one night because that's all going to help you. Now you're meeting people in different avenues. And they got scams. They got their own scam. Yeah. New York scams.

Like, actors have their own scams. I don't know what they are. Commercial actors have their own scam. And then you start in one day, some chicks are going to come up to you and go, man, you have a commercial agent? You're like, no, my commercial agent would love to have. You're like, mail an envelope.

Yeah. Calling people. But sometimes that's the involvement. It's getting involved with an acting fucking school. $90 a week. You don't want to be fucking Steve McQueen. You just want the basics. And to be around.

other people that are doing the same dream as you. Yeah. And I got into it and I sent out a bunch of stuff to commercial agents, but I didn't, I haven't followed up enough. So you're right. But I ran into the problem you were talking about earlier, but hanging out too much a little bit towards the big last year in the beginning

of this year. But because it's tough. I feel like that's the only way you get spots. But then you're like, oh shit, I'm not writing anything. I've been hanging out too much. You hang out after you have a seven and an eight 30 show. Once you get your two or three in, then you want to go, support your friends. Ah!

Do all that shit like a heel in the back. I'm here. I'd rather you go home and rehearse in the mirror. Yeah. You're trying to be a stand-up comic. Why are you going to a club that the guy's not even there on that Thursday night? You're going in and the pretense to see Pedro. Right.

But at the same time, you're just sniffing around to see where you can pick up. See if somebody left a 20 on the floor of a 50 or 10. That's a reality. That's why I don't like supporters. The fucked-up thing is it works. Someone did it this weekend with Jessamine, and they're very nice. But I see it work, which is, like, frustrating. I'd rather you go, listen, you're a great three-point shooter,

but we're down by four. I need for you to get in there, score a fucking basket and get fouled. For sure, because that's a high-percented shot. Right. The three, yeah, you're four for five, but you're also at, you know, whatever. is 42%. Yeah.

The highest shot is what? The layup or the dunk is 100%. So again, 98% of the layout. You know, you take, how many layups can you miss it? You take 100 of them. It's funny.

80%'s pretty good. No professional. All right. So the same 10. You're going for high percentage shit. Right. Instead of low percentage shit. Same fucking thing.

But then I don't know if you ran into this. I've done some shows, or I'm like, and no disrespect to some people, but there are some shows that are just bad. Like the comics are just bad. You're like, I shouldn't be doing these shows anymore. You have to do them. You got to do it this level right now. You got to do the good.

I thought it dragged me down a little bit sometimes. Listen, it drives you down. Listen, the only lineup that would drive you down is those obvious comics. They probably live in Brooklyn. They got like two friends and they all come out. Let's go support Jane. And they come out and they clap real loud for Jane. Jane gets off with some Chinese kid gives her a dozen flowers.

Yeah, we don't do that. We're standups. Jews do with it. There's a lot of Jewish shows in New York. I believe it. It's kind of weird. And there should be everything. Cuban shows, Puerto Rican shows, you know, but that's a start also.

Yeah. You don't want to get caught in that snag either. No, no. That's a spot for you. Oh, you want to put me in a Jewish show? Great. That's when you take that Jew joke and try it. Oh, yeah.

You know? Yeah. Or whatever the fucking spare rib joke, whatever the fuck you want to do. Yeah, I appreciate it, dude. Because it's, I don't know. We, because we talk amongst ourselves, but from this podcast and from the people that I know,

I'm like, a lot of these people have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. So it's nice to, like, get to talk to someone who actually clearly knows at least something. You're also not talking to somebody who it was given to. Right. You're talking to somebody who, was honestly telling you guys that in 2000,

I didn't get a fucking comedy agent. Let's be honest, till 2011. Really? Yeah, that bad a comedy agent. Oh, that's right before I met you. Okay. Yeah, theatrical agents and people who ran my commercials, but there was nobody I really talked to about stand-up.

And you were just booking yourself? Booking myself, making up numbers as they went along. Make them believe I knew what I was doing. Did you ever have, I've had a bunch of people tell me that my wife should just be calling people and just be my, you know, just give her a fake email address. She could set up home management company. It's just me and you. Yeah.

You have to call for me, but me being on the roster. Right. They'll listen to her. Oh, Jesus Christ, yeah. They'll go, oh, whoa, what about Joey Diesel? You know what? He's booked. Joey's on an international tour right now of all the Martian spaces, but

when he gets back, I'll talk to him about your club. Just give Lysai at three weeks. Okay, because you got leverage. Right, yeah. I'm going to call with four steps. I got no leverage. I got one more step. You know, let's try this stiff.

I didn't even think of it. Everyone's just been telling me to do it just for me. I didn't think that she had to have a whole roster of people. My friend's wife did that. All right. I got to L.A. And she would help me out from time to time. And he's the one that taught me that he would call agents and go, George.

What are you doing telling him? I'm staying in with my child. That's great. my client, Lysayat's having a showcase. When I tell you, everybody's going to be there, John Lennon's coming out of the grave, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, every after he would just start talking shit.

And then when they didn't show, he called him the next day and go, you missed it last night. My client got a triple standing ovation. Fucking women, Lindsay Lohan had an orgy there. Whatever. Okay.

I started posting and I realized you just can't post. You have to sell it. Right. I just realized that. Because I haven't posts like that in five years. It's not posting. It's what's going to happen when you're there. Yeah.

Some people sell a comedy show is going to be funny. That's great. I'm selling you a comedy show. Chicks with big tits. There's going to be a tranny there showing you a pussy. We're having everything there. You know what I'm saying? And either people hate you or they sign up for those tickets.

Did you ever ever ever anyone get mad or you'd be like, hey, you told me that they were going to do heroin tonight? or, yeah? Yeah, what happened to Lindsay Lohan? And Breyer, Wednesday was coming every other Wednesday. Lindsay Lohan never even been to the city of Brea. Amazing.

Yeah, I know she has. Every other week telling people lies. I didn't give a fart. You're doing whatever you can to get people through the fucking door. Who gives a fuck what you tell them? I won a contest and I should have never won. But nobody else sold Valiums and nobody else invited their clients to the comedy show. You know what I'm saying?

You sell Coke. You're going to, where do I get the Coke? o'clock at Brooklyn Comedy Club. Yeah, but why am I going to a cloud? Trust me, it's the best Coke you ever have. Then they get there and you make them pay $25. What? What the fuck am I paying $20? Listen, tremendous Martians,

the whole thing. And you make them wait till after the show till you give them a line of Coke. Now they got to sit there and pay for two drinks and laugh. And then you get all, that was great. But man, what happened? You're going to give me back that $50? Yeah, yeah, yeah. To take a gram tomorrow. I'm getting a shipment directly from Noriega. It's going to be, your name is honest.

It's got pineapples on it. It's going to be sweet. You're selling them as a big fucking picture. Right. That's smart. Dude, especially if you live in a big city, it's not just a fucking comedy show. Yeah.

It's the difference between me and you. No big difference. We put our pants on, and I've been doing comedy longer. But if you go out and start saying, listen, there's going to be free joints at the door, chicks are going to suck your dick. There's going to be one or two white guys

that they read them, go, I haven't got late. in six months. Maybe I'll go to that. And then they go then it's all guys. They're like, but you got them for the fucking night. You know what I'm saying?

Because guys will believe that type of shit. Yeah. We'll give it out Spanish fly. Bring your grandmother. Watch your scratch your fucking pussy. Give the grandma Spanish fly. This is also beginning of softball season for me this last weekend. Oh, yeah?

Brutal. Why? Because it's all day. All day. Even with edibles, it's tough? I had everything in me on Saturday. It was fucking freezing out there. It was sunny, but it was 55 degrees, and the wind was blowing.

I basically sat in my car. I went to the wheat store. That's the day I went to Trenton. And I bought one of those fucking Macau. $40 joints with everything in the dog shit, tranquilizers, everything. $40? I smoked a whole fuck blunt with a glass tip. Oh, my God.

I smoked the whole fucking thing in my car. I was fucked up. I ate some of those chocolate mushrooms. And you don't have a panic attack watching the game outside on all that shit? Why would I have a panic attack if somebody else is throwing the ball? I'm just sitting there like an idiot waiting for Bert this shit on me. What is the panic attack that I'm waiting on to have? I don't know because I don't...

What type of fucking fag of mine? Because mushrooms make me freak out. I had like 250 milligrams and edibles in me. I was nice and toasted. Sitting in my car, listening to music, drinking Schnapple, sugar-free ice tea. who lives like that? Are you still giving parents stuff? I remember there was...

Nah, this team, nobody even mingles with me. No? There's only one guy I talked to yet. I just met these guys. Okay, so you haven't... No, nobody knows. Nobody knows nothing yet. That's fucking, that's fantastic. Do you have anyone you're looking at dose?

Do you see someone like six weeks before that's like, I'm not looking at a dose? Nobody. I'm just looking to have a good time. If you leave your soda on, man, it's, you know? No, no, no, no. In fact, we're going away next weekend. It's just one of the family that's staying. Okay.

It's not even the whole team. And you said Mercy's on a team with, like, a bunch of older kids now. Older kids, so she's not. She's got to start from the beginning. She's like the Jackson's without the Jackson's. You know what I'm saying? Like, she has to start from the beginning. And listen.

Like last weekend it broke my hour a little bit because she didn't play the first game. I was like, maybe she'll come home and go, she wants to quit. I don't want that either, you know. That wasn't the case. She was happy when I talked about. And the second game was when I told him, when you get a chance, you gotta fucking do something.

And she blasted a fucking single. On the first baseline, I was so happy for it. And the second, she blasted the double all night. She's back. But they had three outs before she scored. It's funny.

She loves everything about softball, but she ain't complete until she scores. Doesn't even have to be hers. She's on second and you hit her in. And she scores, you could see her when she touches fucking. Remember the day she fell going around third and she was still laughing?

Oh my God. She was scored. She ran so hard. She just ate it on the third baseline making that turn. Oh. And she wasn't pissed? Dude, I fell last week walking to a show. You fell again?

Dude, I phoned like three times. I don't know if I'm not picking up. Do you ever have a girlfriend say something? My ex and boss and said something to me that it will never leave my head now. apparently I don't bend my left leg when I walk. And that's what always catches. My left leg is just straight for some reason.

Can that fucking Auschwitz leg even bend? It can't when I'm sitting down. Wait till we put shorts on him. You're going to see the bottom half of his legs like Auschwitz there. They're fucking thick. Oh, yeah. He's got a toe that if he hits you with you got a broken fucking femur for a month. You got a Jew toe that'll fuck you worldwide.

I do my big toe. They have to, I started getting pedicures every once in a while because they have to They have to sand it down. Like it's a brick. My fungi toenail. Oh, mine's not a toenail. Mine's the side. Like the side of my toe is like a callus.

That's what it is. That's what always gets it. I don't know what it rubs against, but it fucking, yeah, it gets hard. That was the funniest. It's a cut through my ghee. Like the six months I did you did Titsu and you said at the Auschwitz toe. The fucking callus cut through the ghee.

It just, I don't know what it is. It's hard. You put cream on that? No. I could be a life on. You put cream on your feet? Yeah, at night. After you take a shower, you want to, you know, your feet are disgusting.

I've never once put cream on my feet. Yeah, it feels nice too. Really? After a shower, you come out, you dry your feet off good, you put a little cream on. They feel cool for a little while. Put some sandies on instead of those fucking, little sneakers, you wear sandals. Do I take my, I don't wear, you wear sandals around the house? Yeah, I got the fluffy ones like a fag.

I got the fluffy ones with leather and shit. I'd smell them. They don't smell bad at all. Like when you, no. You smell your slippers? Because they have them in there all winty. Like they got to be cheesy. But no.

I don't wear shit. Oh, and my, the cat and I are friends now. It took fucking two years. How convenient. Who you is to be friends with a cat? That's how long it takes you had to earn your stripes. She tried to whack me today. Apparently, I wasn't rubbing.

And she gets pissed off. Like, every time we leave the house, if we're gone for a day or two, she'll shit outside the litter box. And I clean it. on purpose before we leave. These cats are a completely different. Look at my man Pedro. He's faded like a motherfucker.

I'm not to throw him another piece of mushroom. Pedro has a real fast metabolism. He took mushrooms right before and like three minutes later. He's like these are hitting me. He's a good mushroom. I'm sure they are. Georgia hasn't hit George yet. Oh, gee, I'll be driving George's car home.

Jesus. He drives, you drive 65 sober. Six and five, you're lucky to get that out of it. He usually does 38 when I'm around. And they'll stay in the right-hand lane and you're like, what the fuck, guys? But, you know, listen, these questions you're asking me, they're all great questions about comedy and, you know. It's what you feel at the time.

And I tell you this from mistakes I made. But I got angry for a while. I would just, I would see some of these age and something. Say shit, though. that's amazing I'd love to be I don't I'm a fucking ass kisser

especially when they busted out their clients busted out oh they don't do well or something yeah that's who you picked over me what do they say to that we don't see you doing anything either I know I'll do a lot better than him

yeah you can't take that shit personal because I did then I realized the people who were paying me now, big money, were the same ones who turned me down. So it felt even better. When you cashed their checks? It wasn't even a yes anymore.

It was like, I was right and you were wrong. And I'm not going to rub it in your face, but. Oh, I'd love to rub it in someone's face. Because we're in a fucking career. That's a 50-50 toss everything. Nobody's better anybody. Just one person gets the spotlight. Mm-hmm.

and people fall in love with them and he says the right things and then they go to the comedy festival and everybody aged. You know, it's just, so you keep doing what you're doing to the best of your abilities, you believe in yourself, you write.

Don't come to me and go, you know, nothing's going on. Well, I went to see you last week, Lee, and you're still talking about living in LA. I can't. Right. Something must have happened in five years. Mm-hmm.

So, you know, as long as you and your, your mind are doing the best possible thing, not doing what everybody else is doing. Listen, if you put a, if you're going to put a tape of yourself doing crowdwork on Instagram, be my guest. Right. But every day you see 100 new tapes. That's all it is. Are people doing crowd work?

And I appreciate that type of stuff, you know, not for me. But why would you put up the same fucking tape? I'd rather you put up a tape sticking nickels up your ass. You'll get more fucking views. of you hammering little nickels in your asshole one of the time and sniffing them you get four fucking reviews so if you're gonna continue to do the same shit

everybody else is doing it's gonna get you the same result as everybody else right sorry I'm just I was stuck on hammering the nickels into my asshole for a second I mean that's the bottom fucking line if you go up there in the first 10 minutes of your rack is what everybody else is talking about you're doing something

than fucking wrong. Yeah. You're falling into a niche that everybody else is seeing. You know, whether it's the news, whether it's a topic, that's why I don't like doing topical stuff. You're going to come out with something

hysterically, topically? I'd rather you use it on social media. Okay. Because how long are you going to use it for? Three nights? You'd hope so, but some people still have ditty jokes. You know, if you go to a show and somebody's doing ditty jokes and oil,

I can't, I can't take you serious. because you, you're not telling me what's going on in your life. Before you go into that joke, like, you know who's a fucking good writer, Jimmy Yang? Okay. Jimmy Wang, whatever his name is Chinese. Jimmy O Yang? Jimmy O. Yang, he's a tough Chinese kid, you know,

it's not like everybody else. Like, he has a sense of humor. Right. I was watching me, he's talking about if he goes and plays blackjack and it's a Chinese dealer, he walks. Really? That's so funny. Yeah, because there's too many smarts there.

That's hysterical. He's too smart. It's just the challenge of smarts, you know? Right. But he's explaining to you why. Right. I love that shit. Yeah, of course.

If you're just going to go up there and go, George Caledinsky fuck dick, and people are, yeah, tell me why. What went on that you're giving me this right to George? Right. And sometimes when you're talking,

you're slowing them down. But us as comics, we have to live in laughter. So when we don't hear laughter, we think it's bad. Sometimes it's good. It's good. And that's what I think, like I'm working on now a lot,

is the stuff between the jokes of, like, how to guide it and, like, how to weave it together. So it's not just joke, joke, joke. That's what I think is, like, one of the biggest things I see a difference between, like, a feature and a headliner is the stuff between the jokes. Between the jokes, the patience, not rushing to the punchline. I mean, once you start headlining, then you have to learn all over again. and then you do what I did

because that was the best education I got I went to see a different headliner every Thursday at the Irvine Improv. Didn't talk to them. I didn't go up to them and say, I came in a support. Nobody even knew I was there. The bartender or I just get a drink,

give him 10 bucks, and set at that back table where you used to put the edibles out? Yeah, of course. Right there. Nobody even knew. It was like one of the kids' girlfriends and maybe the kid's comic aunt or something,

one of the comedian's aunts or something. And I would leave there. and leave like I would learn something new. He's a real. Greg Gerardo was a real headliner. Ralphie was a real headliner. So, you know, at that time, whoever, the kid who writes jokes on the internet,

he was a great headliner back then. But that kind of, because I thought, we all think were headliners because we got 45 minutes. You go fuck yourself. You go fuck yourself. That's how you're weighing this. You'll see a headline of the continuity and there's material, maybe he'll do a callback.

There's all different things. Yeah. So don't sweat it. Don't sweat it. I didn't see any fucking success for 20 years. I started in 91. I didn't get a, I got movies, I got TV shows, but no agent ever wanted to talk to me to maybe 2010 there.

Was it hard for you at all when you would see people like that you started with So like around your level like... Way ahead of me? Doing, yeah, yeah. Okay. It bothered me till about 2002. And then I realized we all have a different journey. Everybody has, we're all going to get to the top.

We're just going to all have different ways. Some guy might rush to the top and now he's got to keep it up there for 20 years. We established the name slowing on the way up. We're not looking for the crown or to be the king. We just want to be close up there like an underboss so we keep getting work over the years. Yeah. So at every point in your career, it's always, no matter, listen, man, when you do something like us, stand up, acting, an artist, you paint, all that shit, it's, it's hell on the stress.

It's got to be, unless you get confident, go, I could keep making money drawing pictures. You could draw a picture. You could take a bucket of red and throw it, and a bucket of green and throw it. I can throw the same bucket, the same green. mine will get a million dollars. Why? Yeah. Eight white people.

What does it tell you? That's it. That's it. You can need three of those idiots to show up. I see death. Yeah. Give me a check. You'll see other things later.

Let me see your fucking money. We just, dog, this is all we are. This is all luck. And then after you get lucky that you see there's a little bit of luck. You put the effort into it. Like, when I booked the Adam Sand, when I booked Spider-Man, too, I was lying. Okay.

Yeah. I'm on to something. No matter what, I wasn't on to something. I was 11 years away from doing something stand-up-wise. But I'm on to something. This ain't like a fucking movie with a premiere at a restaurant, everybody says the movie's great.

These are real premieres. These are real fucking people. These are real fucking people here. This isn't like some fake thing that you did. you know, I saw one, there's a series coming out, and the guy's doing like a premiere of three episodes. You know, why are you killing me for? I wouldn't even go to those fucking things.

With me alone. But it's time, man. It's time, confidence, and the people around you to keep letting you know that. But if you hang out with desperate people, then you're going to be desperate. I feel desperate. And I don't like it.

We all are. We're fucking comedy whores. at the end of the week we're a whore. No difference. Now, how do you want to be a whore? What kind of whore do you want to be? Do you want Arabs coming in your asshole? Or do you want to fucking suck a dick in the $2 million home?

The second one. Okay, then. You decide what type of whore you are. If you want to take shots to the face behind the strip club for the small 20, that's good, too. I got a whore that's living in a mansion, eating assholes up there and clashoes. ass with silk slippers on and a bottle listerine right in the bathroom so she could wash out of her mouth you go behind a strip club that chick's on a sucker dick and lick your asshole with the same tongue there's no toothbrush there's no fucking there's no flossing there's nothing you know it's one

asshole to another so you tell me what hooker you want to be they're the two million dollar house one asshole that's it you're licking your husband's 400 pound balls and licking his asshole, but it's just the power of one. Think about sucking 10 dudes with my asshole, which odors that they'll never even recreate again. You know, so you tell me what type of whore you want to be. If you want to be a smart whore, you ever go to a strip club and there's strippers with the tattoos and they're hot? They don't know.

They're building it. They got kidney function problems and fucking, what's the hepatitis B? They got everything from that dirty dick. their sucking because guys who's going to give you 10 bucks a dirty motherfucker oh yeah if you go into a bar thinking the chicks want to suck your dick for 10 dollars you're a dirty motherfucker because that means they'll throw an old lady at you yeah and you'll and you'll take that dick suck it you're imagining you actually throwing an old lady at somebody yeah so it's what you want to do good man said that to me once you could suck dick in the back of a four you could suck dick in the mansion

it's up to you that's really inspirational Very inspirational. Oh, my God. Right? So you see like a hot chick, like, yeah, I'm hot. You're blowing guys in their garage. Like, Hari Madi has that joke about guys with big dicks. They fuck you on a mattress that's got skeins on it.

And they got a retarded roommate. Ari's like, I got a little dick. When you wake up, there's breakfast made for you. He goes, guys with big dicks, they got no plans for the next day. Little dick motherfuckers, they'll take it for the museum to do this. You know, so you got to decide. I was, that's my favorite fucking bit I've heard in a year. Oh, and I haven't heard that one.

Harry Monty's fucking bit about that. It's a truth. You're a whore. Well, whore. How do you want to be a, am I going to be the guy that's going to call the dojo and go, hey, how much are you paying Pedro? I'll take $50 less. Jesus.

You're a miserable war. Yeah. You're just waiting around for fucking dregs, you know? But if you're a real comic or a real actor or a real artist, You know that you're a bad motherfucker. You're just going to take time. That's true. And, yeah, and, you know, not to be silly, but, you know,

you'd make more money from one of, like, the $2 million whore, but you wait for a while versus getting the dicks that are readily available. Okay. You see him go to a strip club. When he's stripler, there's always that hot chick. I've been here for four years. Yeah, I'm getting paid. You've got nothing.

You get $800 a week. That fucking chubby chick in Texas getting $700,000 a fucker. What's her name? The big one, the horse. Isn't that horse? Yeah, the horse. You ever see that body? She's a fucking styling that girl.

She wants 300,000 just to fuck her. The other chick that fucked did he. He paid her $300,000. Or you can wait for some guy. Yeah, man, I'll give you $1,000. They waited. Those black chicks held out for the big dick and the big pay off. The horse.

Yeah, the horse, whatever her name is. I love that. I'm going to get better. I love all that shit. Hold on one sec. We're going to take a breather. No, I'm not going to take a breather. I got to get something.

Okay. There's a lot of them out there. The whores, the horse, she got cheated on. I can't imagine cheating on Megan. And she's so hot. I think we'll definitely, we'll just pause this. Should we? You know, maybe we won't pause this.

What do you grab? You know, I was telling these guys. I thought you're having trouble. I had surgery. It's going to be five weeks this Thursday. I'm walking around. I'm working out. Am I lucky?

No. Am I in great shape? No. When I went for the stem cells, after the stem cells, they said, listen, before the surgery and after the surgery, you want you to do two certain types of peptides because it's got to rebuild and help you heal faster. You're not going to have as many problems as you have. I was optimistic, whatever, but today, the PT doctor said something.

He goes, I got you doing dead lips, basically a month after that. I got you doing things that your leg is strong. And I thought about it, how much they've impacted me. And people just don't know. I told you, people say to me, people reach out to me with the weirdest things about the podcast. Okay. And I'm impressed with that. Yeah.

They want to know certain things. I'll tell them, you know, whatever the fuck. and people always talk to me about peptides. Right now in today's market, I wouldn't trust anything out on Instagram unless somebody got them and whatever. So when my friend told me, Ariel, that she was going to open up this company.

It's called Air Peptides. Okay? A-I-R. Yeah, customer care at Apeptides.com. Airpeptides.com. Guys, they got everything. That's Marlon, Epamorland, MOTC, A-Q-Q-C-E.

you retritude and then you scan the fucking code there and it gives you all the other ones. Do me a favor. If you're in Jersey, I would always go, I want to always get them in person. And that's why I go to underground nutrition. I see Jordan. But if you call me from Cincinnati or Pennsylvania and you want peptides, this is the company for you. So it's air with an E-A-I-R-E-Peptides.com. If you order from them, they deliver 200.

or over, you get free delivery overnight, whatever the fuck it is. They're solid. I know this girl and I know what she puts in her body. She looks like a million fucking bucks. And you can shoot yourself? You can give yourself the peptides? Yeah, you can shoot yourself in the knee or your girlfriend or whatever. There's some nights I get it shot.

When my wife was out of town, I was driving around all day, looking for somebody to shoot me. And you always find some bastard. Yeah, why not? What am I shooting you? Huh? Minerals. It's not heroin. You don't just shoot yourself? No, I'm not that powerful yet. I still a little scared.

Do you get someone to give yourself? My wife, the gym owner, the lady who does the pharmacy around the corner. Oh, my God. Dude, I had to ask someone. I was going to ask someone to borrow a phone yesterday. I couldn't even do that. I couldn't ask someone to shoot me with the needle. I know these people.

I know that they've either been in the medical field or they've been in this all their lives. Right. Yeah, yeah. And they've shot other things. I just, I don't know what you have to do with this is a diabetic needle. You know, I did it a little bit. This is not like a fucking Dr. Chavago needle. There's a diabetic needle, guys.

You put the bacterial water in it. You don't shake it. You swirl it and you pull it out slowly. And then you, whether I'm shooting my knee, my shoulder, back of my arm, squeeze that spot. And you put the needle right in there. But you can't, like, even if you close your eyes, you can't do it yet. Nah, I tried one night. And I succeeded, but I left the cap on.

I was all happy. I was here and I was like, oh, fuck yeah. I'm like, I didn't even hurt. And all of some, there was juice everywhere. I left the cap on. I'm like, thank God, I didn't want to do that anyway. That's amazing. That's cool that she set up that company.

Very cool. She's right in the area. And, you know, people always ask me. Like, Joe, we don't know what peptide science went out of business. This other company went out of business. And with all the businesses that are popping up, I don't know what's really out there. So I can't recommend anybody.

But this and peptides, I can recommend it. And if you get it and go Coco 10, you get 10% off your order. Beautiful. COCO 10? COCO 10. You get 10 points off your order. And tomorrow I'll put the thing on my Instagram. So people could see it if they want to.

No big deal, no pressure. You know. If you're looking for. Not my sponsor. They're nothing. They just, I think she's got a good product. I trust her. So I know what she did to get all this shit.

She took trips. She went to Germany. She went to China. He's a bad bitch. So just to let you motherfuckers know. I love it. Yeah. And that's it.

What do you got this week? You have any dates? This week, all my dates are at Leeside.com, but this week I'll be at the Syracuse Funny Bone Friday and Saturday. Okay. Who you up there with? Pat McGahn. I'll be opening up for Pat McGahn, one show Friday, one show, two shows Saturday.

Do I have anything else during the week this week? I do not during this week. But next week, I have a couple in the city. everything at Lisaa.com. I got June 24th, July 2nd, and two of the Wednesdays after that, the Brooklyn Improv in Williamsburg. And then we got AC the 7th and the 8th.

That's it. Of August, big shows. Of August, big shows. Oceans Casino. Ocean's Casino. I think I'm going to get a rapper. Maybe a fucking drummer. Maybe somebody to swallow a sword.

Maybe some of those $10 hookers. Yes, some $10. hookers to give you all this. And that's it, man. But listen, had a great time. It was good seeing you tonight. Thank you for all coming down here. And that's it. Same bad time. Same bad channel next Tuesday. If we don't have a show next Tuesday, it's because I got to fly out of town for business. We'll be back the following week up at the studio. That's it with this fucking thing.

By that time, it'll be six weeks and I can go down the stairs. I'm not scared of going up the stairs. It's down those stairs. It's down. You should, told me you could have jumped on my back. We'll do the, we'll do the piggyback right now. I'm going to depend on the Auschwitz foot. What the fuck out of here? I love you. Stay black. Have a great week. See you next week.