Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The chick with no chin

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt being so broke he had to chip in for toast, the saga of Charlie Chan, Ralphie May's BBQ's, why he loves doing stand up at The Comedy Mothership and much more! Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com with promo code JOEY  Support the show and get $5 off your Mando Starter Pack with code JOEY at https://www.shopmando.com The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  

Don't want to sit on someone's lap for that long. Listen, nobody does but everyone's a lot You gotta do what you gotta do You know sometimes I said his lap and rubbed the back of his head Hey, it's Tuesday the 2nd of April and the rent is due but before all that I want to talk to you people. The check-in is brought to you by Blue Choo. Listen, if you can't get it up like you used to, no worries. Don't get an anxiety attack.

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in promo code joey at checkout just pay five dollars for shipping that's blue chew dot com promo code joey to receive your first month free visit BluChu.com for more details and safety important information and thank you BluChu for sponsoring the Check-in listen BluChu works. So get it together Pressing code Joey and they're gonna send you a little package for free who Who's better than Blu Chu? You! Let's get this party started. I Gotta shut the phone off because all the cocksuckers that didn't call me back today. I'll decide to call me back now

You know so right as it starts Yeah, you know you don't hear from them for two weeks and today's the day that decided I swear to God I see you know This is the way it always is it used to be that if I had to catch a flight As soon as I got in the car, I got an audition I mean as I was putting my luggage in the car, I could feel my phone jiggling. I get in there, I talk to the Uber driver, what country you're from, did you escape? Did you come in through Mexico, whatever the fuck it was. You got the audition as you're getting in the Uber to the-

You get the audition as you get into the Uber, not this week. This week I sat here like a fucking bump monologue all day Monday. And as my buddy calls me, he goes, I'm 10 minutes away away the phone starts ringing I mean it was like six calls in a row. Hey thinking about you couldn't think about me last Friday and do Yeah, think about me it now at fucking you know six o'clock at night

You thought about me on a fucking Monday and I special I feel like you'd almost rather they not call then call like right I'm mission from Satan and now you want to fuck all you know, I'm trying to get to the airport I'm gonna make sure my sleep at your mask. I got my reefer. I got rolling papers. I got lighters. I got it's cream Yeah, there's a lot to consider and once you get in the car, you're like fuck. I forgot my fucking charger Oh, how would you be if you forgot weed? Did you ever forget like I feel like you never forgot weed? One time I did a leave in Boston. I This had to be

2006 I'm in Boston with Joe Eddie Ari Duncan and I had this weed that I unleashed on them in LA and they were calling it dumb dumb weed It was straight gangster shit. You just had the sudden urge to order 18 pizzas and taking that this shit was strong And it was green and it was fucking beautiful Me being the jerk off and Show off at that time. We get to Boston and we're waiting for the rental car I can't wait. I Got a roller joint. I roll a joint I get in the fucking car. I get to the hotel room

I left the weed sitting on the ledge But at the rental car place right at Avis, so if anybody came they found a bag of fucking goodies Now I had to smoke shit from fucking Some dishwasher in the back that smelled like soap some fucking god knows what else i'm surprised you didn't go back to avis You know listen, you gotta be an idiot. What are you gonna do? Somebody's gonna turn it in? And I get a reward with something listen any fucking I'm not gonna say nothing because you'll say anybody who picked that. Anyway, it was gone, all right?

If that thing wasn't gone 10 minutes later, then we got no real fucking thing going on in this world. Right, they would find that. Yeah. I got a bunch of good weed. Jake came to one of my shows and brought some weed from Washington. It was really good.

Like it was, I think they grew it outside It was it was some of the best smelling weed that I've had in a while. It was great It's that Chinese weed telling you you're gonna lose an eyeball Don't fuck with that shit. It's out there, but you got to ask the guy at the counter. Is this Chinese weed? Watch him fucking lose his mind. I would love to ask him that Fucking loses mind. I would love to ask him that Pork you're having a good time Open and also next thing, you know, you're fucking you got the havana syndrome You know what I'm saying? Yeah people shoot you in the ears your whole body shakes. So before we go any further, how is your little?

comedy trip to nashville in ve. Dude, this was like probably top three of like my like back to back. It was like 11 days of just straight comedy. I did 16 shows. No, no, 17 shows from Wednesday to Sunday, the following Sunday. So it was like 10 or 11 days. I did 17 shows. I did open mics and what I was like most proud of is a, I dealt with a heckler

and I dealt with it. Okay. There was one for improvement, but I was able to adjust and like, not remake my set, but I basically cut out and redid half of my set because of because of like Figuring out what they might want in that kind of a room and I had some like really awesome sets towards the end of the week It was awesome it was so Did you asshole beg you undies to fucking get me out of this predicament your assholes probably I don't need a COVID

mask that smells like that No, my asshole dude, I ate some Guy was opening. Oh, no, I didn't get to eat. They didn't have which is probably good I'd probably be shitting blood right now as you say, but I didn't have like the employee lunch They didn't have that so they can give you a card for any meals for no No, well, you're just getting cold-blooded dog. Oh But it was fun. It was cool Nick Garrah was the guy was headlining for what is a great great kid

Having great success in LA good-looking, you know, I Don't know what the fuck these agents are waiting for Nick Garrett could have been a fucking go-go dancer and tell a mundo You know an NBC, but you know the guys out there, but he'll find his niche like most of those guys they work hard Yeah, there's no fucking pushover. He works really hard man. I knew Nick since Texas Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he came up in Dallas so we were it was just cool to get to talk to him all week and Hear his point of view as like a headliner and like we just talk comedy

He liked to go eat so he took me to a bunch of his favorite spots in around Vegas me to a bunch of his favorite spots in around Vegas. You know what? Non comics will never understand is that I could talk to you for 10 hours about comedy. We could just, and we've done it for hours after the podcast and smoking dope, snorting ketamine, you know, uh, it's, it's really insane. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. this weekend when I went down to Austin, Helena was there, Steve Simone was there, and Joe was there. We were talking about the old school store. When about 115, our job was to walk the pink dot before it closed at two. Got it. And we'd each get a turkey sandwich or a meatball hero,

and that chit chat, I'll never, never ever forget. And I bet that's the way you feel right now. Like those little chit chats till two in the morning about this comedy club owner, this guy, how you sent this guy a tape. This is the real learning experience. This is when you really bump up and when you're around, you'll see the difference of open micers feeling bad and being angry at people for being a little better than them or for getting a gig as a co MC and then fucking you know, you go to another place

where it's a different attitude now. It's really, uh, it's the things that most people will understand. You know, if I talked to Led Zeppelin, they would go, listen, the parties were great, the orgies were great. But the true hang was after we got off stage. When we told people for 30 minutes, we didn't want to be bothered. Right, where they're just going over there. I would imagine it's the same for all of them.

And it was cool at the LA Comedy Club because there was a six o'clock show, eight o'clock show and 10 o'clock show. So I met all of the cool comics on the six o'clock. One of the guys who is on the six o'clock show was doing open mics with me at the fourth wall. And he has a seven day week gig at the Strat opening the six o'clock show.

Brett Ernst and Butch Bradley were doing the ten o'clock shows that at like the late ones and I got like it was the hang it was like getting to like hear from their point of view how they viewed comedy and then I got like I watched not every minute of it but I watched all through all of those guys do their shows and how they approach things and like like Brett is He I noticed like he sat down a lot of his sets I would watch that and how he would like when he would stand up like what if he was trying to like Get some emotion out of people or something. Oh, Brett's great. Yeah, bro. It's so funny

You know, it's these guys now finding their groove and I'm sitting back here loving it Because I remember where these guys were up at 1 15 in the morning and We were talking the back and they didn't know what Mitch he was gonna see him again And it was it's such a fucking in the moment struggle You're in the moment and you go minute to minute. You don't know how you're gonna feel you know, that's why I never really liked talking shit around comedians like, you know, I got a spot at the end of the 1040. You just make another guys feel bad. Right? You know, it's this is supposed to be a community. And I don't know, there's something like improving. Listen, this goes back to the old adage, Lee, and I'm really proud of you for this. I'm really proud of

really proud of Eric. It takes a lot of pride to not get a job as a doorman security guard. You know, when I got into comedy, I knew it was like anything else. I got a job. I took the comedy class like in December and from January To May I shut my mouth Lee and I carried buckets of ice And I fucking put on stupid music and had to move the lights around and I had to load the beer case But the whole time I had an ear open

You know and the most important thing was since I did the music for the comics it was a C room okay right you know since I did the music for them and the lights and the explosives I got to talk to them I got to talk to them and then when I got the broker I finally got on stage in July and I got the talk to them. I got to talk to them. And then when I got the broker, I finally got on stage in July and I got the broker like in December. And when I got the broker, if the comic was really cool, there was a gap in their schedule. So Tuesday night you did the broker, then Wednesday you were off. That sucks when you're on the road.

Because you have to pay for a hotel? You pay for the hotel. So if the headliner his school, I'd invite him over, sleep over. And then the morning we talk comedy or at night we talk comedy and they would give me a list of bookers, even though I wasn't ready. And I knew it. They would give me a bunch of shit to prepare me. And I looked at names that are that were there that now that are probably still there today, you know then then today so

It's such a fucking journey And it's cool. Like the way I was thinking about it with Nick was like it's almost like you're on like I'll say you're on like the Oregon Trail or something you meet someone who was already somewhere like way down the road and like look out the snakes here and Like getting to talk to Brett and Ernst and Brett and Nick and all those people, they would talk about like, here's what you look for when you're trying to sign with a manager.

This is what the manager is supposed to do from his point of view. Here's what you're supposed to do when you're reaching out. And like, they were just giving me like, at least what worked for them. And it's not, it might not work for me, but like just their point of view of things. Listen, what works for you ain't gonna work for them and what works for it might not work for me but like just their point of view of things listen

What works for you ain't gonna work for them and works for them isn't gonna work for you, but there's a There's something in between mm-hmm, and that's what you seem to attack And Between that your mind and his mind Could put some together a little bit better than your idea. Because he's been at it. And you know, again, our egos are like, no, that I have a great idea. You know, listen, what's the difference between a five year comic and a 15 year comic? If I go to a five year comic and go, listen,

I want to buy the story of your life, but I'm not gonna use you as a lead Okay, he'll throw a fit Where your comic will go Okay, who the fuck you use Just throw me a check. We use me every week Keep me off the road for ten episodes and I'm in Keep me off the road for ten episodes and I'm in You know, it's really weird what we'll do five years in ten years in 15 years in and 20 years

It sounds like the ego thing always Once you let ego get in the way of comedy you're done. You lost that week Once you try to your featuring and you're like people told me I'm better than the headliner Meanwhile, he's up there getting standing ovation, right? And you're in the back because eight people told you you're better than fucking headliner So you're sitting back there like yeah, let me see how I could fucking corner this guy You go up there one night you plan everything light your toes on fire giving me a material You're gonna steal jokes the whole fucking thing and you go up there and you think you buried him and This guy comes out with another set and a different wig and a different fucking pair of sandals or whatever the fuck he's doing

And it's always very interesting. I fucking hate when shit got and Listen, I'm smart enough to know even then like I I knew I Knew a comic that came to me one day and he's like fuck Ralphie May, but I'm looking at him like what? And he's like, yeah when I work with him people tell me I'm funnier than he is blah blah blah. I Don't know where that motherfucker is today And like what I can say I'm not

I'm not like above admitting there are times I've done shows. I'm like, oh, I'm better than this guy But then like especially with headliners were like really seasoned. Look. Oh, this is his Sixth hour that he's written the jokes that I'm doing are the like all my jokes that I've written for my entire career The jokes I'm doing are the like all my jokes that I've written for my entire career Listen, the first special is always easy. It's like the first album. It's dynamite You've had your whole career to work on it, right? Second one is a motherfucker I went like oh and fool I got four bad fucking specials and CDs But listen, that's the fucking How you learn you don't learn by doing everything great

You can't be great at everything. And once you know your strengths and your weaknesses, you stay away from your weaknesses, but you work on them. But you're not gonna do a shit, a guy come tape you on your weaknesses. No, and it's, like, have you improved your weaknesses, do you think? Like, think you like you like? Seems like that's something you would do is like purposely go after them

First off, how do you improve your weaknesses if you're not honest with yourself? If you don't go home and go that's that's up Nick If you're gonna take if I bump into you six days Six nights in a row and a pizza Paul at two in the morning And you tell me how you killed we have a problem I've had good weeks, but there's sets that I went to Austin last week. I did six sets. I was probably three and three Were the other three that bad

Two of them were I had a purpose you know to go up there I wanted them to go one way so I could take them the other And see what else was there you know I planned that going up there. I got no way. I don't give a fuck Hey at any level I never gave a fuck I Always had a mission to go up there do what I wanted to do I was just trying new shit. I didn't give a fuck. I had a purpose to go up there. I Had a purpose you know to go up there I got no way I don't give a fuck Hey at any level I never gave a fuck I Always had a mission to go up there do a good job. Try some new material as a feature act and

Hang out by the door and get a gram of coke. I always had my priorities were in the right fucking place There was never uh, and when I got coked up if I was by myself, we think I'd be watching porn I don't watch porn. I would work on my comedy all coked up I'd wake up the next morning material was worse than what I had written but don't this is what it is It's a journey. It's not where you start It's where the fuck you finish and how you finish Do you think on that? Like what your sets better towards the end of the week than they were at the beginning or was it like a mismatch? You finish and how you finish. Do you think on that, like, were your sets better towards the end of the week than they were at the beginning?

Or was it like a mismatch? It was kind of hit and miss. And I'll tell you why, because this is why I checked on you Thursday night. Because by Thursday night, after you've worked two weeks and you've gotten there on Monday, you want to stab yourself in the eye with a pencil. You can't. You can't write fast enough. You want to stab yourself in the eye with a pencil. You can't write. You can't write fast enough.

You're sick of saying this material. You just said it in Nashville. Right. And now you're doing another eight days of it, which Vegas is, you know, 14 shows. If it's old Vegas, two shows a night, Sunday through. It's a great way to improve. Yeah. What a great way to improve. Yeah, what a great way to improve

But I don't give a fuck how much you love comedy by Friday morning when you get on the elevator And you're like what what the fuck? You got to walk a mile. They got a cup of coffee and then ding ding ding ding ding ding ding And who's not in there still drunk for the night before? Yeah, I went to your show last night. You sucked. Okay Dog they say, you know, they're fucking inebriated that eight in the morning You're walking around trying to find a pool or another grab a blow or victim, you know, and they'll just come a man I was at your show last night. You were funny in the eye. Yeah, like stop it go lose What are you? No, I'm not your lucky fucking token. I

was late to I was almost late to my flight today because it For some we could talk about being short for some reason women love Whenever they see me they stand right now. They have to measure themselves again So this woman was hammered at 3 in the morning still up and like wouldn't let me leave Where in Vegas this morning at the club or at the casino? Yeah. Yeah at the casino Oh, yeah, you're lucky you didn't get kidnapped at three in the morning my friend. I Woke up one night to catch one of those Southwest flights. Yeah It was one of those roguing weekends

I don't know where they put us up. It was somewhere. We had been put up for years and it was fantastic And there's one that I went down there five in the morning. I'm like, oh lordy You had some fucking kidnappers. You had everything down there hookers hookers pimps transgender fucking pit, uh, oh jesus. Yeah, they were there this weekend. They were out. I'm like man. This lobby is usually pretty fucking cool But it was yeah, it was that that was the like va it was interesting to be in Vegas for that long because I saw like I think there's one dude basically Stole a joint from me. He came he was like he was like a homeless dude just screaming and he's like Hey, man, I was at County today and he showed me had marker on his hand I don't know if they like right on you in your head County and I just gave I just had a joint my hand

And I just gave and they like I was that that was the only time I was scared but there was a bunch of weird Shit that happened You know after kovat, it seems like everything went down a level Uh-huh, like if you stayed in a hotel where there was no commotions in Vegas off the strip now, you're gonna hear fuck you Back my money. I'll stab you know, whatever. I mean now it's it's just it's crazy how much everything has changed in four years and what you have to See now like some a friend of mine went to seattle one of my neighbors And he came back yours. That was terrible

They tell you not to fucking go downtown Jesus you can't because of all the all the people down there now You can't they say not to go at all go to Fisherman's Market, you know Fisherman's whatever it is war fear No, no warfus in San Francisco. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry that mistake myself Go ahead I'm sorry just you know, I wouldn't go to Portland now if I'm a comic down there There's a different way of thinking or Seattle. I'm not a lot in Seattle but there's a lot of fucking places that you're like, if I go there, do I need fucking 10 people with security?

I don't ever wanna get security. No. No, that's embarrassing for a guy like me. To walk in there with three gorillas and make believe on something I'm not, stop. What about just getting like some jujitsu guys who are like normal size When you would bring people like that people look at you a certain way and then

I don't know. There's always somebody who's going to challenge you. There's always a motherfucker And when they got three beers in them, they're gonna go I'm gonna go talk to fucking Lee. I want to talk to him and then you bounce then your security listen Lee's not talking to people right now He's in the back with one of his freaks. We don't care man We paid 300 for his ticket and we want to fucking go right now and next thing, you know, you have an escalation Have I seen it? apps are fucking loopy apps are fucking loopy I've seen In Las Vegas. I've seen it? Apps are fucking lootley. Apps are fucking lootley, I've seen. In Las Vegas, I've seen it in LA, and it's not good.

And whether you have security or not, man, it's just, I'd rather not have security than walking there like a human being. Right. It puts people off just seeing you being normal What do you mean about I would Then look at you and go the dog this guy thought he'd walk in here with three gorillas and and a guy throwing new Chucks in the air

He walked in here with his fucking daughter and his wife right You know that gives you a different feel Do you think like because I I had something happen today at the airport that I kind of got upset I was I got there dude it was 3 30 in the morning and there was a 20 minute wait just to like check into the kiosks and then Like TSA had a super long line and I yelled at someone today You know, I don't yell at anybody and I didn't really yell but this dude was cutting the line at TSA

like like we were all going around the lines like you're supposed to and he was too good for that and took the Whatever it's called up like the line and just kind of cut in front of us. Hey, man. There's a line here. Hey Just kind of cutting from this is hey, man. There's a line here. Hey Listen, I want to welcome this product to the show because I'll tell you what it works And they sent it to the right person what I want to talk to you about is mando Let's talk here for a second when you take a shower. You want to smell good for as long as possible, right? But sometimes it won't work that way If you're me your your feet start kicking, my right thongite toenail starts to boot,

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shop mando dot com I want to welcome them to the show and you guys go to shop mando dot com and welcome them all so and then Pressing code Joey so we all win. All right, and now back to the show. So you yelled at some dude So yeah, I just I was like, hey man. There's a line and he didn't like it He's like what's the big deal? like he like we were going back and forth and like some of his family was there and they were like on he's my husband And it's just it was and I normally don't say anything like I I take shit from people

I've had someone steal a spot for me today. I have to there's no pre-check What about clear? Dad they didn't have shit that that thing. I don't know if it was cuz it was No, they didn't have shit and I was on Southwest. There's no first class right now You go through first class when they stop you you're not first class. Well, you're stopping a Jewish man. Are you? You know people did it for 30 years. It's time for the Jews to do it everybody else, you know Do you ever like do you but do you worry about getting into fights in public places or like? No, my mind is on

Just you know you talk to listen there's some people who want to say shit You're gonna be the best person you could be you're gonna stop you're gonna shake their hand And i'm gonna be honest with you in 20 Something 30 years of flying Let's go 25 as a comic flying. Mm-hmm. I got into one beef If they do the agus Oh, wow, agus is a little weird I'm not even thinking about trouble I Don't know what to do. I'm not even thinking about trouble

I'm not even thinking about trouble I'm not even thinking about trouble I'm not even thinking about trouble I'm not even thinking about trouble I'm not even thinking about trouble I'm not even thinking about trouble I'm not even thinking about trouble And I put it was like four people on the line There was no reason to act like a jerk off

Right and I put my stuff and you know, I have the sleep apnea machine Mm-hmm. It's taking out, you know, I'm always quick. I do this every fucking week twice a week So I'm quick as the line was going I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna quick. I do this every fucking week twice a week So I'm quick as the line was moving some guy came push my stuff back and put his stuff in And look ahead like at the guy and I go excuse me the guy was like, what was that about? He goes I got no time for wait for these sleep apnea people. He goes the guy goes though. He was right there You just caught him up I didn't say nothing and he goes sleep apnea people he goes the guy goes though

He was right there. You just caught him up. I didn't say nothing and he goes if you expect me to apologize Don't I go fuck yourself? That was the end of it He just froze It was five in the morning Nobody is I'm gonna tell you to go fuck yourself that early and when you hear it it kind of fucks up You're at the airport and that was it and I was I had I shut up for fucking the first five minutes and finally as I went through he was dying to say something wow and I

was like you know fuck you the fuck is wrong with you it's 515 in the morning and you already want to be a fucking hard on like really? And you sit there and you I don't know one time I went to Boston. Okay. I just had knee surgery. It had to be 2013 2012. And we got to go do radio. And we got to go do radio And we get to this radio station and the security guys like the powers off The power on all the night remember that with the escalator Vaguely, I remember that when I met you. Yeah, gentlemen. I go listen guys not for nothing I just had surgery two weeks ago I can't go up no fucking stairs and the guys like well you have a choice and I was like pardon my friends, brother

Fucking leave right now. I'm not going up He's like well, we're not driving you back. Watch this I went right to the receptionist I go get me a cab and he kept yelling at me. You're not leaving. You're not watch me. I Got in the cab and went home soon as I got to the hotel my agent called what happened? I told him you and I both know I had surgery I get here in the fucking escalator I mean this guy wanted a fistfight And that's I'm here to pick up an envelope I'm not looking to make war with nobody. This is a business

You know, I'm not looking here to make fucking war with nobody. So That's why I don't that's why I kind of didn't want to fly during COVID All this shit member for like three years people getting fistfights people yelling on planes The last thing you need is to be sitting there some guy hits you with water And you're right throw a punch at him now Somebody's got a camera and now it's a fucking nightmare because you tried to defend yourself in today's America You know a lot to do that No only my person only Mike Tyson that time on the flight and that's great

You know now and that guy's trying to sue him now really? Yeah, I Great now and that guy's trying to sue him now really well I Hope they don't let him win cuz that was if you don't know that story was that guy was like a kid was like drunk and like like kind of like taunting Mike Tyson and Mike Allegedly with there were some things thrown and the key you just saw the kid with like a fucked-up face. It was awesome I felt I was so happy for Mike that was like because that kid was just being a dick You know it never ends and you just have so much patience with people and

You know, thank God my people are an alcohol base People that come to the show because I would shoot myself a lot of them just come up and give me that fucking Glaze look like a man. Okay, here we go Fucking Jerry Garcia and his assistant and it's still I gotta laugh out of it, you know, right? I'm sure when they grab you Mm-hmm, and they breathe that fire water breath in your face and You know, they say shit about their wives. Come on get next to Joey Joey rabbit. Come on, man They say all that craziness, you know, look at her ass and you're like and the girl is fucking embarrassed as fuck

She's like I just want to date with you. I don't need somebody pointing out my tits and you're like, I'm sorry You have to apologize. That's the shit that drives me crazy. Listen, I live out in the open. Okay, I've lived out in the open since I moved here. I mean, we lived out in the open in LA. We were at weed stores and shit every day, restaurants, crowd therapy. It's really weird.

About a year after I moved here, somebody pulled me aside one day and they're like, you're blowing people's money. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity.

I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not a fucking celebrity. don't act like a celebrity. Yeah. Tell her I'm not a fucking celebrity. Well, that's what people expect of you to walk in. Like the girl said to me, have you been to this restaurant? And I go, no. And she goes, it's a three week, whatever. But if you go, if you call them, they will definitely give you a knife with your name on it and a fork

And I'm go, why would I do that? She goes you wouldn't do that. I got not a million fucking years and my announcing that I'm going over now put under my wife's name And when I get there you throw them the fuck off or whatever. I'm going with name. I don't I don't believe in that I don't believe into coming into a softball game with a convertible down Listen to rap music, you know all that shit. I move in silence. I was a burglar. I was a burglar You have to look at the roots of somebody I Would be so weird to see you coming in with like a crazy hat on or like the way that some like I know the fucking restaurants with sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt on

And I love the reaction of people People's reaction it's like last week in Austin on Wednesday night. I'm gonna fuck with these knuckers. I did the old I've been doing this since 80 1980. I've been doing this. I put my sweatshirt on backwards That gets on the people's fucking skin. They all come up to excuse me. Mr. Diaz, you know your shirts on backwards What are you talking? Wait you it's not a hoodie, right? It's just a regular certain sweatshirt that I love I've had it for Since I was 450 it's already stretched I look like a three-pound baloney to, the half pound bag when I first wore it. And over the years, it just stuck around.

It's a sweatshirt that's great quality. OK, it's soft now. So now I lost weight again, so now it's going down. So I said, you know what? I don't know what the temperature is in fucking Austin. It's a light sweatshirt. I go, let me wear it Let me bring it

What's your shirt? I don't know what the temperature was and Wednesday night I go let me wear this blue fucking sweatshirt backwards if I didn't have 30 people come up to me. I was downstairs talking to a friend of my old lady came over She goes, you know, it was, I was dying to tell you when you were on stage, I didn't know if you knew. I go, this was planned, that's why you were dying to tell me. Jesus Christ.

It tortures people. It tortures people. People come up to you, excuse me, Joey, your shirt's on backwards, did you know that? I don't know. And I can't tell you everybody how did you figure this out like how often do you wear your sweatshirt on backwards in 1980 I don't fucking know I had a fucking shirt that I liked and one night

I wore it out backwards honestly by mistake Lee right But the reaction I got was so fucking overwhelming I had to stick with it I never felt so bad for people. It's like when I wear pants that I purposely show my ass crack I'm just setting you up you fucking dummy You think anybody would bend over like you with these pants? I don't how to do it to fucking just man Did you get did you get like you with these pants? I don't know how to do it to fucking just man Did you get did you get a ham with that crack? You know, you're like, how old are we now get the propeller with the fucking hat? You know after a while as a comedian you learn how to listen For me as a comic it's not the fucking laughter. It never has been.

What? It never has been. So what is it? It's the look on their face when I open up my mouth. That makes me laugh, so now I can make you laugh. What look do you like? I like the look.

First of all, I love being wrong, but at the of all, I love being wrong, but at the same time, I love being right. So pick some, a woman to pick on or whatever, just say something to a woman. You look beautiful tonight. I'm looking for her reaction. If she got something, she's an animal. If she sits there and says, thank you, she's an animal. If she sits there and says,

thank you, she's all right. But she could be an undercover cocksucker. So you have to twist the envelope a little bit just to see if you get a thrill out of her. And then if I hit her with a joke, if I hit the audience with a joke, I'm really focused on her. I'm watching her, even though you guys are seeing me not watching her at all And I'm waiting to throw an off-color joke To see her reaction if her jaw drops. Yes, the room is done Really? Yeah, because I'll do a minute on everybody and then I'll bump into her mysteriously But I already got the ten minutes going already

I picked on the audience because I'm setting up my arsenal. I'm putting the 45 bullets in I'm putting the 380s in I'm like Rambo and the last Rambo he's putting lights all over Bombs you just buying time because the eight minutes you're gonna dig into her Are gonna be tremendous. You're gonna keep riding that joke up You know, she had one leg. I was eating a pussy, you know, and everything is a tag And now you get them going all the way and now you just and she's down there like this That's That's That's no

How do you pick her out like do you have like a joke you do at the beginning or do you do stuff at the beginning? To like see who you're gonna focus on Somebody got some guy like you comes in as his Joe you up in three minutes. Okay, just the light. I'm gonna bring you right up I'll let you empty the room and right bill you hit the door I'm behind you by like 30 seconds and I'm watching and as I get close to that curtain I give it a little look you never want to show you never want to step out there don't like that But you want to find an angle that you could see And you're gonna nail it there's 250 people 300 300 people you can nail five people

But you got to nail them there's 250 people 300 300 people you can nail five people but you got to nail them in the front nobody's gonna see that chubby guy in the back or the chick with the light patch on the other side you got to pick them up front okay like if you ever got onto like this is why i hate comedy judges and when i say comedy judges, not comedy contest judges. I hate when somebody goes to see Lee and Lee says a joke that's a little on the dark side and he gets tagged a racist. He gets...

And these people have never done comedy before. And all of a sudden you got a bad rap because a comedy judge all of a sudden, you know I don't even know where I was going with this. Those edibles are kicking in but fuck it work it Because we were talking about you, uh, like you there's a woman in the crowd when like you right so you look Listen there's some people that go to a comedy club to tell their wife how much the comics suck There's a lot of guys who go to a comedy show so their wives tell them how much this guy's a fucking manacle Psychopath drug addict, you know And then there's people that go in there with an open mind there There's always people who are gonna go to a show and hate

You know And you spot those people They just don't want to be there Go home to go home close your eyes and think about a time when your mom took you to the synagogue with a bunch of smelly fucking Guys with hats on and beards and what was your thing you didn't want to fucking be there somebody's right the psychology of the comic has to think like that some way even though I don't want you to think like that I don't ever want you to even think about your set I don't want you to predetermine your set

I don't want you to look and then go Joey they're all fat people Joey there are old people Joey they're all black people. Joey, they're all black people and they hate me. I have a black Joe. So comedy judges go to a show. All I know is one thing. Lee, and I tell you this with my heart, you were there for eight of those years. There's some shit that comes out of my mouth

and especially on stage. And for me, I perfected it because it's not what you say. It's how you say and at the comedy store, I worked a lot of late nights behind Paul Mooney and There's eight people in the room five of them are black three of them are fucking white and they're scared that the black people gonna overtake him in the room So they've already been manhandled by Paul Mooney now. I gotta go in there. You know what man? I got no I'm not getting any play from the three white guys I've already been manhandled by Paul Mooney. Now I gotta go in there. You know what, man? I'm not getting any play from the three white guys.

So I gotta go into the black guy. I've already done material. Paul Mooney's done it. It's 1.15 in the morning. You gotta assume whatever stupid joke you wrote last night, somebody did it already. They see the same Discovery Channel about the fucking oceans bodying out there

You know everybody sees the smuggler get caught from Bolivia. I didn't know it was medicine, you know, whatever So you go to the different style so now you got a big deep Five black guys walk into the room. What are you gonna sing rock music? No, we got a finger it went in fire and you better fucking sing it on key because Maurice white was a bad motherfucker But what I'm saying to you is you're gonna go what's going on dog? You're not gonna call my brother cuz now they know you're faking the fuck right? What's up boom and he starts talking to you then he'll say something to you. You're like dog. What's up with that fucking shit? What happened? And if you say something black or something hacky don't

But if you refer to Marvin Gaye or some of the people in the room haven't heard of just cuz they haven't heard it He knows And right there when you say that sentence that this idiot over here thinks it's racist This black guy jumps up in the air and high fives his friends That's my dog and shit. This guy leaves and says Joey said something racial Right. It's how you perceive it. It's fucking crazy, man It's fucking the education is non-stop and now you see the backlash Of people and saying and guess what? People want to hear some crazy shit

people and saying and guess what People want to hear some crazy shit People sick and tired people want to hear crazy shippin from the heart Let me tell you so I cracked the joke last week, but I never thought I was gonna crack And it was so smooth one time that it died two other times We're trying to like recreate what you did the first time like like why do you think it bombed or didn't do well I Didn't say it right the first time I said I was more excited about the premise It was the joke about Orlando with the gay ghost after the student at Pulse Right, you go to Orlando you could go to Disneyland the gay ghost is tapping on this

Last time I went out in Orlando, somebody shot me, you know, shit like that. Yeah, the first I mixed it with some else that made it very funny. I don't want to give the thing out right now. What I wanted to talk about tonight was what I just did. Okay, I'm no Jerry Lewis. I'm no Dean Martin. I'm no fucking bill burr.

I'm no Chappelle and I know this going in. I never try to do anything. But I want to talk to people about how easy it is. Because this is what people don't fucking understand that whatever they want in life, it's right in front of you. Your fingertips at the end of your fingertips, whatever you want your life, if you want in your life. If you want a yacht to bring freaks out like Big Diddy and Biggie and Epstein,

and it's not gonna work out for you. You saw what I got you. Go for something positive. You want an electrical company, you want a limousine company, and then right on the note, how are you gonna do it? But everything is fucking possible. What are we talking about?

What you did this week. I'm not gonna do it but everything is fucking possible. What are we talking about? What you did this week Okay, so we came on here in January. I Was a little scared but I knew I had no other alternative I knew when my life was going and I'm like I can't I'm not that type of person I gotta do something and we decided on doing stand-up as a hobby twice a week Big deal no weekends. I'm not going to Masses Square Garden That's that to show people you know none of that shit. We're going back to bed basics You know a couple restaurants of strip club and uncle Vinny's just to get my feet fucking wet you know and I

Pretty much hit the goal every week except one I only got on stage once one week and was I upset sure I was I was more upset for you guys at home Because I told you I was doing two sets a week And then I decided let's go test the 15th whatever steps It was past 10 at that point, way past. Why count them? I already hit 10, now it's time to move on.

Let's see where this takes us. We agreed on 10, there was nothing to discuss. There was nothing to fucking discuss. And then this opportunity came. I knew I wanted to go down there. We had discussed me going down there a few times and just doing 15. And I'm gonna be as honest I I can with you brother to brother.

I'd rather go to the plane to Austin than drive an hour 15 somewhere. Even though the flight down there is pure hell, it's four hours. They throw a curve ball at you. You're like getting ready to follow. You're scratching your nuts. You put the fuck in, you know, my Luke, your juice on your neck. And all of a sudden it's like we're landing in an hour and 35 minutes What and that hour is like fucking going to the chat? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, it was but I want to get back to what you're talking about

because you Do you think it was like the level of Not that there's not good comedy where you were going but like that's like the hottest club in the world right now so like because you were going, but like, that's like the hottest club in the world right now. So like, because you were saying like you, you would rather fly to Austin than drive an hour and 15. I said like, what do you think it was? Because you've been doing comedy at some good places, but the mothership is probably the hottest club in the world right now. All right. In two sentences for you. You and I both know that we spoke one night and I said to you, I had an opportunity to go somewhere and get on stage.

In the last four months, Bert's been here, Tom's been here, you know. I could have just gone down there. Right. In minutes in front of 2,300 people. That's not what I was trying to do, Lee. For the first three months, I was trying to fall in love with this again.

And I did. I fell in love with connected dots. I've always loved connected dots, throwing something out, putting it in your notebook. And two weeks later, that's the gem you were looking for. Cause you connected it with this. That there's no better feeling than that. Maybe somebody fucking, uh, you know, pouring fucking hot wax on your nutsack. I don't know. I've never been there, but I enjoyed it again. And I could do 15 minutes. Listen, I've been doing comedy for 30 years. Why am I being such a fucking weasel?

I can do 15 minutes of my sleep. Right. But I wouldn't allow myself. I would start with six, seven, eight. I just wanted to fall in love with this. With this beautiful, fluffy, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, I would start with six, seven, eight. I just wanted to fall in love with this, with this beautiful fucking art again. I didn't just wanna go into the sunset. For me, it was never about playing the garden. It was never about being a letterman or the tonight show.

I knew where I was gonna end up. Excuse me, I didn't know I'd end up here. I didn't know that, you know, I would do Ari's fucking storytelling show and people come up to me crying and shit. I didn't know these things. You know, you always think you're a comic and you end up a storyteller. People are storytellers. You know, you never know where this journey is gonna take you.

You know what I'm saying? What we talking about about why you why you like going to Austin? So Number one listen I had one of the biggest fucking opportunities in the world I got a chance to walk into the comedy store in my seventh year doing comedy and develop and develop and develop. And there was a lot of fucking eating shit and a lot of nonsense. And would I do it again?

Absolutely, but one thing I learned at the end was from 2014 when you were in my life as a regular and I told you I went to Columbus and ate a bag of shit. the end was from 2014 when you were in my life as a regular. And I told you, I went to Columbus and they had a bag of shit. I realized that that saying is absolutely true. If you want to become metal, whatever, you got to sharpen metal with metal. I still remember going there and eating a bag of dicks after Daliya.

I still had to remember going through, you know, following Daliya I still had to remember going through you know following the Leah six or seven sets and going wow it's a different fucking game you got to follow somebody and then bring somebody up in front of you and it took me three or four months to get the hang once I got the hang she should she should now we're full-time you know and i learned a lot it's tough to follow louis ck it's tough to follow bill burr it's tough to follow these guys but it's not going up there and topping them it's being you i'd rather you go up there and be you than trying to top me you knew when you came in the room he's a better writer than you he's a better performer, but but you know these things

If you're gonna let your ego get involved better than my dog. I did a movie with De Niro Yeah, whatever you fucking tell me, you know But if you go up there and these are the things I learned from 2014 only When I was already 15 years in this shit this is why I say to you relax, sit tight, smell the roses, you're gonna get some lumps but at the end it's all fucking worth it if you pick the right and you play your cards you know I see it I see it I see Tim Dillon. I Saw Shane get fucking blackmailed black mauled black bald black bald

On Saturday night live and all sudden four years later. He's back hosting it Why cuz cream rises to the top or you gotta keep doing is your fucking job? Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob and you'll see but if you're just going out to try stupid jokes and to impress your little friends in the back This it's this is fucking too it's too hard So we were talking about the involvement i'm so proud of you because you involve yourself In 15 days a comedy camp that's half a fucking 30 days Some people go to jail for hitting the clown in the car. Well, they want a bike or whatever the fuck you just did 15 days That's yeah, I talked shit about you every day over that's when people go

How's Lee doing? I go leaves at the fucking whatever in Vegas right now Come on, what you doing? He's fucking featuring over that. Come on Lee even Joe said I Joe asked me how's we doing? I go he's featuring at the whatever he goes Thank God you broke up the podcast Wow, yeah But it's that's cool. I'd and you were not better shit He goes think about it. Thank God you broke up the podcast because he learned a ton of shit That's why he's at the stratosphere this weekend. So

That was probably the best part of trip when he mentioned that to me. I got my That fucking shot my knee oh Yeah, like stem cells themselves I got this this is the second one is it is it helping a shout out to ways to way Ways to well Is it working the first shot did miracles? And it still wasn't hurting. I just went down to the back it up If you're walking on ice, I'm doing some walking now. I think you know, you gotta walk to the fucking stage Sometimes you forget lee and I put all my weight on that knee and push myself up

Oh why land you get this fucking kicking the balls and sometimes I get on this fucking bum crooked knee the surgery knee And I get up there and fucking again is to fall out of a fucking side curtain You know me though. I just get up and do comedy You attorneys on the hotline I always think I'm gonna fall or I got there was one club that I was in I was in the club and I was in the club and I was in the club and I was in the club and I was in the club Get up and do comedy attorneys on the hotline There was one club we used to do that you had to walk through a tunnel like I was When they said Tony Montana when he came from Cuba that fucking tentville

Yeah, yeah, like I don't walk through there now The last thing I'm gonna do is fall in front of fucking then I'm on TMZ Jumping Joey fell and shit, you know I'm not built to be on TMZ. That's why I always avoided those motherfuckers like I Was don't I was thinking about that the other day There was two situations with me. Well where I think I laughed the hardest. It was me and Ralphie. God rest his soul.

This had to be 90 fucking, nah, I'm lying to you guys. Had to be about 2007. I was clean. He was picking me up on Mondays when he got back. And we go to Jerry's Deli in Beverly Hills. Okay. And one night we got weed, we stopped at the Improv,

you know, and he hungry? Yeah, I'm hungry, let's go to Jerry's. We get to Jerry's, he goes, man, it's fucking quiet. We pull up to the valet, as he gets out, two TMZ guys put cameras on him and go Gabriel. How you doing? And when he came in after we got fucking food I go Gabriel, how you doing? Okay, now I'm gonna hear the end of that shit. Oh, I can't believe to be honest That's probably the nicest thing I could imagine you doing is running into I can't believe you didn't laugh in

Part of TMZ space. No, no, I'm like an old fucking gangster. I put the fucking thing unless you pay me I think I don't want to be around Jesus They called him Gabriel. What are they trying to fuck with him? No, they were like the guy just didn't know. Or, you know, looking back now, yeah, he was probably fucking with him. But Ralphie was the stupid little guy.

Oh yeah, but that must suck. I think we need to do that too. That's so funny. And what was the second laugh? One night I Was there but I was not there okay, okay, and this is a long time ago Lee This is They used to be a place on Beverly

Right after you came down thea, you hooked the right and you went, you know who would know Josh Wolf? He was the king of that place. You went down, it was on a corner and they had little umbrellas. It was like a 50s joint and people sat out there, just closed, I think it closed. But Josh and they used to dog, they made shakes

that would knock your dick into the dirt. Protein, regular shakes, reefer shakes that would knock your dick into the dirt. Protein, regular shakes, reefer shakes, not like they put reefer in it. This is way before any of that nonsense. Right. The spot, the spin, the something, something, we'll ask Josh Wolf. And the cool thing in those days was I was broke as hell But the good thing to do is after the store you go down there at two o'clock And then the difference people eating, you know

And I got with Josh and his family and I got I think with Joe Rogan and a bunch of other people on that after the The club on Sunset we used to do The guy took a stair to eat a bunch of other people on that after the club on sunset we used to do. The guy took a stair to eat a bunch of us. Had like umbrellas and shit. I don't fucking know. It was good, though. And then one night. I went to a Janet Jackson concert. Now, you know, it was 1998.

I got no money on a Janet Jackson concert I was with the store, but my spot was at 11 o'clock 1130 at the store the Janet Jackson concert started 730 I was friends with Dougie fresh I'm over at Doug Stanhope's house in the afternoon talking shit with him and these girls moved in next door and they were the fucking best They were like They hung out a coach and horses if they'd smoked dope They were a lot younger than I if I was 38 at the time. They were like 2728 whatever

And one night one of the girls and they were roommates They had gotten Janet Jackson tickets and the one girl couldn't go she had to work as a waitress or some shit So the girl came over and I stand home sounds like what are you fucking kidding me? And I'm like, bro I'm gonna see Janet Jackson And that's not I told you were broke and she had great tickets and Jimmy Smith's was getting beers for our corner You know, I was dead brokely if I had five dollars I was holding on to it like a fluff a Blind guy holds on to a cane this motherfucking nowhere, right?

And I guess I went to the store did my set, you know I couldn't borrow 20 bucks and we ended up going to that place and we sat down about 230 We were out in the back smoking dope just way before my wife me and this girl. I had no nothing. She was just She was standing over neighbor Right, you know, she smoked dope. I smoked though. There was no blow that night There was no money for blow and we went to that milkshake place to get like a milkshake because we were stoned And I want to tell you his name, but I don't. Okay.

And so that came in there. Somebody who was hot at that time on TV, like I'm Buffy the vampire. You know, at the time I was doing stand up guys. So you knew you was famous, but you didn't know from what? Yes, I didn't the girl and everybody was like, look who it is. And I was like, I don't know who this guy is. I love to tell you I'm friends with him and go take a fucking, you know, and go give him a hug.

Oh my God. I haven't seen you since the gym, you know. And next thing you know, TMZ comes right out from like behind the car. And the one guy said, again, Lee had a couple numbers in me at that time. I didn't drink, but it was two during the morning. I'm tired. I was just focusing on the milkshake.

She was going to give me a ride to where I was staying with the girl I was dating at the time. And that was going to be the end of the night. And this guy comes over. And I mean, as he walks, all the girls like, look who it is. And he's from this. You know, he's from this.

And all of a sudden, TMZ came out. Right. I shouldn't say TMZ. It was 1998. It could have been anybody. Paparazzi. That's when it started lurking. And this guy came out. and this guy came out and another guy came out and

The first guy was doing pretty good They were talking about his TV show his workout regimen and then the fuck another guy said to him Are you still doing blow and this guy turned around one shot, bro? boom camera I turned around one shot, bro. But boom, camera here. I thought, you know, you forget all the stupidity I saw in the beginning. And he went down and we paid for the milkshakes and left. She told everybody about what had happened.

I had two sets at the comedy store that night. I, I forgot what the fuck it was. And it's because of that. I don't. and then I had a beef with them up in no, they weren't TMZ either Remember that fucking place the studio city on Sunday We're all the other in Amal using shit next to the five. Oh the farmers market Yes

They used to lurk in there. They used to hide by the five guys not the five guys Where you were your five brothers where you buy skis and shit? There was a little fucking a Little fuck and they had tamales in there and it was always a great place But they weren't messing with me to a mess with somebody else as I was walking to the car He said something to me and I had my wife immersing. I just kept walking. He said something about big pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm not going to answer that. And that was it. But beside that, when I saw that guy get knocked out, I'm like, and then I didn't see it again for six, eight years later when the guy's like, fluffy. And I'm like, oh, no, we are the fracture. You know, he had the gold chains on that night, the rings like Elvis, he busted out. The guy going to go, Rafi May,

the guy who goes fluffy and fucking Ralphie. And you can't stop laughing at that. You know, you just can't. Especially you, that's why I was shocked that you ran inside. I can't, I love, like you, like that's like someone giving you a gift. Not really.

No, you don't think so? No, listen, at that time, I had done, no, I had done the longest yard. In my mind mind for me nothing happened so fuck it right I don't want this guy to see me I already had enough problems now when I was a Ralphie I was always clean I was only high around Ralphie came to me one day I appreciate if you don't do that shit around me and that was it I was was like 1990 fucking seven

He caught me in the bathroom on that Wow, no, and like I know you don't want to embarrass Ralphie But just between like you and him if there hadn't been a camera there like that's something you would have laughed about for probably three hours So I laughed about it for five for ten years I still Vito. I still think of shit, you know, but again, that wouldn't have been introduced to me if it wasn't part of that journey, because at one time I remember like he was flat broke and I

still you asked Josh Wolf. I was living with Josh. Okay. All right. And we were that's the day that I was in with Josh. Okay. All right. And we were, that's the day that I was in the pool with the kids and the neighbors and we're having a Josh Wolf brothers and Josh yells down, where's the fucking whatever. And Joey, where's the whatever. I forget what he was looking for. And I yell up, you know,

looking to draw and I spelt it wrong. Okay. D R E W. You know, it was like 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning. Nobody had money. We had just chipped in for like coast whatever and we're all out there like 11 of us by the pool Like that's broke if you're chipping in for toast. Oh, you know, I was eating joshua food Not embarrassed to say this shit. This was what it was man. And when I scored I gave josh a 40 you know, we were working together this is part of that deal that people never understand and

We had to get ready because Ralphie had a barbecue now in 98 Ralphie wasn't rolling and fucking dumb But I never forget that people brought meat over and at one point Ralphie looked at Josh and he goes hold on one second I'll never forget this and he turned around He goes bring this home for your kids and it was candy not fucking shitty candy from the dollar store. It was candy Ralph and that night Josh goes, you know Ralphie's the type of guy he had no money

But he still remembered to get my kids candies. That's that's something That's something fucking, that's something special. I remember sleeping on Josh's, that whole, I gotta talk to Josh Wolf, because we gotta write a sitcom on that building. I was thinking about it on the fucking plane. I was even making notes on the computer. I'm like, we were so stupid.

That building had everything. Is that the building where you let the homeless guy fire by accident his blank? No, no, this is a different blanket on. This is around the corner. Vista. OK, this on this on the corner was Charlie Chan printing. And across the street was the guitar center. Oh my God on sunset. Vista on the corner was Charlie Chan printing and across the street was the guitar center.

Oh my God. Okay. On Sunset. And then where I used to buy weed in those days was on Comston. Right. Okay. So one day I went to Comston and I had, I don't know, I had $57 and I had it all planned out, right? This is like guys with $57 was $57, all right? I stop at cumston, I get a 20.

That leaves me with $37. Or maybe I had started the day with 37 that's what it was. I started the day with 37. I went to the weed dealer. He wasn't home So I said fuck it if he's not home. I might as well go eat some Chinese the place across the street from Rock & Roll Ralph's They used to have a laundry mat and a Chinese place the Chinese place is probably still there when we got there the Chinese place Was banging that the complete lunch special, you know the soda soup egg roll Entree white rice the thing the ice cream the fucking massage 599 And we were there every fucking day for lunch. Yeah

Happy birthday Ricky Cruz Ricky fucking Ralphie, you know, it was just a tray of us would go there for lunch Whoever was in town John fucking this guy that guy eight of us for torture to support Chinese lady And we got and we started making money. We went to the all-you-can-eat sushi place with Helen. But before that, we used to go to the Chinese place. With Helen. Helen was the Japanese lady. Right.

No, see, we used to go to the Chinese place. Helen was Chinese Poki. She looked like our friend Stacey Poki, but she was only Chinese. Really cute, glasses, the whole thing. She would torture us and shit. That's what you need in a sitcom. That's what you need in the sitcom.

Just like all you guys go into the Chinese place, that's crazy. There was a time in 98 where I would wake up in a radius of what of the building? Okay, I could either been across the street from the sunset. This is where you found me. I've never come clean with this, but this is where we learned the shit in those days. If I was legit to quit, I'd end up at Ralphie's on the floor with our friend Jody and John. If Ralphie for some fucking reason wasn't around, I'd end up on one of the apartments in that building.

At that time, there was maybe two other people who had apartments in that building. If you didn't end up there, you ended up with Josh Wolf. But at that time, let's forget about Gardner yet. Gardner had not been to place. It was Sierra Bonita, all those streets, right? From like where Rock and Roll Ralph was. I could end up on Vista in like three apartments.

The chick with no chin, Josh Wolf or his brother. The chick with no chin. Go on, I'm sorry. All right. So and in that building that was reefer a white Jewish guy with a big Jewish star sold weed and he was hooked up with a black girl. Of course. He spoke with a Jamaican accent. make an accident. Yeah. Oh, why Jewish Jamaican? I mean, he hit me in the garage. So, you know, we were tapping that ass, right? Oh, clipping it out. I

don't tell you, blame it on his girlfriend, right? You stole my weed, man. Yeah. She would go, no, I didn't, you Jew bastard. I'm not a Jew. I'm a Rastafarian Jew. So that was one building. Then you had the chick with no chin.

You had the fucking two-core girls. You had the two heroin girls that were fucking great girls. There's no big shit because they wouldn't take showers. They wouldn't wash their paws. Oh, it was a fucking TV show. There was another girl who was very sweet. She spoke a weird language. We all used to talk to her, really cute. And one day one of the guy pulls me over and he goes, Hey, when you go home tonight, watch this movie, he wrote it down. He goes, it's on Cinemax. And like two weeks later, I'm in some hotel and boom,

And like two weeks later, I'm since some hotel and boom It's just neighbor like completely naked on all fours with fucking Eric Roberts tremendous It was a crazy ass fucking building But if I didn't end up there, I would end up at the hotel, but it didn't matter I always tried to stay past the gas station. So on the way up to Josh's I could stop in the gas station Steal a pack of cigarettes. Oh my god. It was like automatic And I timed it every time the little guy went outside the pump gas I would zoom in there and he go hey, what's happening? Nothing. Let me go inside get something to drink. I don't like a dollar I put my hand up. I'd have like cools a pack of parliaments then voila Marlboro lights or camel lights

You were like a you were Torturing that how long were you living like this and then I would go Off the corner If I was really hungry and I had no money, I would go to Josh Wolf's If that money I would go to the fucking the Sunset Grill That's way before you came that was when it was the original Sunset Grill with the guy wouldn't the platform foot and he had a cool pump up and yet he would make the burgers and he oh it was fucking tremendous and There's something happened there the guy died then they redid it and then there were egg and cheese sandwiches

Nice and I would go in there all these coast dudes would be in there the guy from Buffy The good-looking guy that's still on fucking TVs from Philly So we had that we had our compadre we had Charlie Chan I had a tab with him And what year did you have a tab? 1997 talk trust me. It was tough talking to Chinese guy to give you a tap It was ten cents a copy 25 cents for a copy a headshot You know, then he would lend me the staples I would sit there and staple him his shit and fuck it I would sit there and staple him and shit and fucking torture

The guy's name was like Mike but I yeah, I call him Charlie Chan, that's the name on the fucking door. It's Charlie Chan No, he was Puerto Rican yeah, he was trying the guy was Chinese. He was very businesslike Right, and I would go in and go where's Charlie Chan and he would come over. My name is Mike. Okay, listen Mike Every Monday I was in there because I had to make copies for the agents. I was working a scam with the agents because Every week somebody would get a headshot. One Monday would be my theatrical agent and one Monday would be my commercial agent. And I would do that every week.

I would do those copies that he opened at 9. I was in that 901 already torture. Where's Charlie J? For the 100th, how long are you doing this to these people? Charlie. I Just love that my name is Mike for the 600 time My name is Mike and I would yeah, yes new debt. I'd be in that Charlie share was cracking I made my Charlie Channis Mike, okay It was it was This is shit I forgot like I got to write a book about this shit and

Then I started waking up at the hotel the guy that owned the comedy club in Florida sold it. And he showed up in Hollywood like 400,000 cash. And every night he'd go to the store with an ounce of coke and fucking every night they ended up at that hotel right across from the Sunset Inn, whatever, ratty little hotel. Then I got the commercial and I had a little Giedus now. I moved up into the world. So there's a hotel. This is very interesting. There was a hotel on Schrader.

OK. It later became the hostel. Oh, OK. But that hotel was a hotel where you're only allowed to stay in there for three weeks, and then they would transfer you to where the pizza place was up there next to the other laundry mat. And then once you did three weeks up there, you couldn't be there as a certain residence. So when me and the girl broke up,

I would go in there and stay for a week and then go on the road and then come back and then stay there for three days and go on the road. Brother, you don't know what life is till you wake up in that part of town at that time. That was the old Hollywood. And I would come out of there and there was fucking people yelling in that whole tunnel. There'd be people hanging out in the hallway. It was real Jack. Did you have a car or no, you didn't have a car at this point. It depended what day it was real jack did you have a car or no you didn't have a car at this point it depended what day it was

how how could it possibly depend because he always bump into a car who's not leaving town for two weeks because they're going to miami to do comedy and here I am doing 90 around town getting tickets they come back Come on man in those days when you get to LA the first thing about LA or any city you move into How they welcome you is with parking tickets They could they compete you get out there every morning with your robe. What is the meaning of this and they're like I was doing you know, my model was you buy him I smash him that was like my brother My fucking RIP brothers fucking Fuckin' Fuckin'

Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' Fuckin' And it's it's just when I got to LA I was you know my motto was you buy my smash them

That was like my brother my fucking RIP brothers fucking motto so it was Doug Stanhope had a car But it was great. You could use it air conditioning. There was only one problem The gauge didn't work so you didn't know where the car was full empty Sometimes you got that motherfucking you just had a prey to you got to the gas station and again I wasn't Johnny deep pockets. I would do the food stamp, you know, whatever I can hustle up the night before

times with How long did it take me to have like a like a legit apartment was it with was it with your wife that you've got your first apartment? Six months before that can you believe that how long was if I would have just held off six more months You would have saved three thousand dollars I met my wife in july of 2000 I agreed to Pay rent at my friend's house. When I got there, he didn't have a room for me. He had a couch. And if I felt a little double crossed, you know, whatever,

listen, I lived there, some months he took rent, some months he didn't. It was a crazy time for everybody. You gotta remember that year opened up with me not being in LA. I didn't spend New Year's in LA that year. I was in El Paso, no. Yes.

No. Yes, I was in El Paso until Y2K. That next July is when I met my wife. And how long have you been living like between these apartments and hotels at this time? Yeah, like when did that start? 97 years. When I first got there, I moved with a girl. We had an apartment. Right. Right. Right. Right. We were there for a year and then we broke up and then she moved to the other part of town.

I stayed with Josh Wolf and I went on the road I Slept I didn't I could tell you I slept at the comedy store. I Don't know but I was there at 9.01 to take a shower Do you and I don't know if you're gonna even be able to answer this but that those three years of comedy Were they like the most important like I just imagine you accomplished a lot in those three years Those three years of comedy made me figure out la They were very important because they I went to la a feature act that had taken six in the seattle comedy competition

That didn't mean shit, but it meant, six meant the world to me, which I sold it as the world. So when I started making calls down there and putting tapes together at the time, whatever, and headshots, that's what I was selling. I'm here based on that. I had a couple of comic friends, so they helped me out in this, you know.

Doug, there was a ton of them. I had a couple comic friends so they helped me out in this, you know Doug There was a ton of them that worded up for me at the improv At the lab factory, you know, I've gone to LA once to do a showcase for the Latino lab factory I'm like my I met Marilyn Martinez Gabriel the other one Gilbert Esquivel who was always one of my fucking angels in my corner, him and Rudy and those guys. So it was finding myself, Ralphie May living in an apartment, sleeping on his floor. But guess what? We got there at two 15 and we dragged bloody Marys and joked around and we lit Ralphie's hair on fire and shit.

But regardless of who was there, there was always a notebook out. Really? There was always three notebooks out. OK, and let me tell you something else that people seem to forget in those walls. Where was he? Jay Moore and Jay Moore's partner good kid his name slips my mind created last comic stand and The J Moore sports show before that in that Ralphie May apartment, so I don't give a fuck What anybody tells you? I'll get J.

Moore on these podcasts and he'll tell you in that Ralphie kitchen is where they created more sports. And from there in that kitchen, smoking dope, whatever they were doing, drinking the fucking water I would put in the vodka bottle, they would fucking That's where you last comic stander You check historians on that my friend That's a crazy like sacrifice for three years For who for I mean looking maybe not but to me to like not to have an apartment

To not have like, you know It's your hand I'm gonna do an eight ball Tuesday and I'm running out of money on Thursday. Guess what? I'm doing all day today What I'm booking a Thursday somewhere? I don't care if I got a roller skate to the gate. I'm making calls And guess what Thursday becomes a Friday and then the guy from fucking Sacramento comes in and he's like, I'm gonna do a eight ball Tuesday I'm gonna do a eight ball Tuesday I'm making calls and guess what Thursday becomes a Friday and then the guy from fucking Sacramento calls you and says bro. I got a Saturday in a theater. It only pays 500 500. That's another week of fucking the hotel And there you go. You just survived another week in three days There was always planning the weekend and you know, do I want to do this? Well, guess what? I'm gonna be out of town anyway, I could pack up my little suitcase leave it at Lee's house Give him a fucking eighth of weed and go do my gig

I come back Tuesday leak the luggage is gonna be there and I got money to go back into the hotel So there was always an angle That's what you figured out. How bad did you want to do comedy and how good did you want to do get it? Comedy that was part of the fucking angle Yeah, and I think that's the thing about the show That's what you figured out how bad did you want to do comedy and how good did you want to do get it? Comedy that was part of the fucking angle. Yeah, and it's awesome. And it's like it's cool.

That's crazy to think now that you're fucking do you feel like you're back at that level again? Obviously I know you're better, but like because you're kind of starting over like a little bit from scratch. I'm at no level right now. I'm not having any expectations I'm doing 15 minutes and that's holding my breath and fucking slowing down my material, you know I'm old man. You get to I'm piling myself on top of you so I can breathe a little bit better

but that's that's you know, I still remember like the first of the month being like Wednesday. Okay. And you come into me on like Sunday saying to me, Hey man, next Friday, I need one of those A balls for 250. Now I already had the weekend booked on Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I was driving to fucking some hell gig in, uh, I'll never forget where I was going. Like Arizona, I had a casino, you did comedy under a tent. I didn't want to ever remember it. You know

what I'm saying? I think somebody gave me a throw when I was there. Cause all I remember is going in and coming coming back but in all seriousness On fucking Wednesday, I would call you up and go dog that a boy you want they want fucking two and a quarter today Drop the money off you drop the money off. I'm gonna call you that night. I Pay the rent I leave town And I fucking go to the club get an advance Bring the money back. I call him Sunday. Would you get my texture? Would you get my message? No, I didn't what are you talking? Talk to eight balls been sitting here. I left the fee in the apartment come over and get it

He would go. Oh my god. I thought you beat me. No, I had to go up the fucking So you play the stall game the same way you do with creditors and fucking your bills at the beginning of the month Right. That was it guys That was it for a guy like me. I was I so listen I sold cigars on the phone. I sold appointments on the phone I Fucking was telemarketer at the comedy store With three other people that I remember their names and the guy who ran the room That's how I serious I took that time in my life and I did all these things to be involved

What do you mean by involved You just not mind fucking yourself no more you're doing it even if it's a tiniest level. This is what you want This is the game I provide for you. If you want to do stand-up comedy Lee I can't fucking if you call me up and go Joey, you know, you go you go into Austin, you know And the rumor is there's no room I'm going to Austin Want someone to it turns 100 degrees. There's no room for fat people in Austin after fucking you I'll let you know my next date depending on the fucking weather monsoon season if the pipes break a month a month

Once the summer hits I'm not going to the hundred degree. Well, I've already been through that sacrifice. I Don't waste out anybody But if you call me, you know and said to me and I go like I can't I'm not doing that anymore Lee You know, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. Well, I have an idea for you You told me the funny bone on high you told me fucking but can't see comedy club on high You told me the chain won't hire this guy won't hire the only person why I use this room in Connecticut that almost one other business. So I'll tell you what I don't know nothing about it, but I know a lot of good comics that are on a ship

That's how you test people. No, go, you know, Joey. That's not a bad idea Lee. It's eight sets a week If you get three months at three grand a week Not only are you gonna get better? But you got a little money and then you come back and get an apartment So you wouldn't look down on that? Excuse me. You wouldn't look down on that like if they did cruise ships for a few months fucking mind to look down on how you Do your pass? Okay, I just don't take no pictures of it

I just don't take no pictures of it Make sure no big-time book and see that that you know playing a ukulele Don't put it on my resume that I like I play this nobody could judge. I'm just teasing. I don't care Nobody could really judge at this game You know as long as you're doing it the people that judge you aren't doing it, right? This isn't at home waiting for a handout. So fuck them. I'm sorry You know as long as you're doing it the people that judge you aren't doing it, right? This isn't at home waiting for a handout. So fuck them. I'm sorry to go over on you guys tonight It was just good to see Lee. I'm very proud of you dog Just no fucking you know, nobody roofied you nobody took you into a room and didn't bad things to you

No, everyone was awesome to me It was a great was all 20 that you could sit on their lap and Tell them the story of when the Jews fought the Romans and they held them off for 10 years. That's a good story It's a long story. You can work this for 25 into 2000 The college education for later. I don't want to sit on someone's lap for that long. Listen, nobody does but everyone's You know sometimes I said his lap and rubbed the back of his head You're looking mighty handsome tonight is the blue cream gray you're putting in your hand do I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna

lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm

not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not bingo. I'll sit on your lap with a small 10 G's for 15 minutes Then I gotta go do what I gotta do You want me to call somebody else in I gotta cover and he'll do whatever you want But you gotta give me another 10g commission cuz I know where the bodies are. You know, I'm saying if he disappears, I don't know 15 if he disappears listen, I don't know nothing I bet a lot of people go for that extra 15. Oh, please if you had 20 20 million dollars You went to Vegas and you were fucking you know Savage of savages. What wouldn't you do you read these stories? Vegas and it was awesome. I love it. But Vegas is a very strange place

Vegas is listen, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm it was awesome. I love it. But Vegas is a very strange place Vegas is listen it I Don't care what happens anywhere else. If you come to me and tell me something happened to you in bay and Kentucky You know, you got that luck. I could see a chick just take me home and whipping and sitting on you and Making you yelling Yiddish You know I'm saying I could see that happening too. Yes. No, you can't but anyway When you go to Vegas bro all bets are off Listen I used to fucking get lit I got no shame to say this The time I went with Rogan the

first time to the Riviera as a feature for the late show, I did not get lit and I did not snort coke. It was 30 20 something years ago, guys, you know, I'm telling you right now. Then the second time I went to that casino where the kids stabbed me with the sword. And I had had it by Thursday every time I on the fucking elevator, some different person would stab me with the sword. And I had had it by Thursday, every time I got on the fucking elevator, some different person would stab me on the sword or it'd be a bunch of fucking, you know,

just not my style. But, you know, it was one of those places that I heard things about when I was younger, from real people, and I always minded my P's and Q's. I never let people in my Ps and Qs. I never Let people in my room none of that stuff no, but I used to have a drug dealer who delivered to your door Nobody knew nothing. He knocked on your door. No matter what hotel you were laying that he would call you say call the front Tell him fuck and I'm coming up. All right, boom boom boom and he would leave it

He leave your the extra sleep package for the extra 35 bucks That I did and even that when I got into a deep situation I would go in the bathroom and make believe I was in the shower and fucking hide all the lights so the cameras wouldn't get Me well, I did a couple bumps and tried to bang one out You know the same before the DEA broke into my room. Oh, no I tried to bang one out, you know what I'm saying? Before the DEA broke into my room. Oh no. You hear shit in a Vegas hotel.

I get like, Growing up, I had two things. I was like, you know what? And I would tell people, when you go to Vegas, remember. Yeah. They're watching you and forget about it. Oh, well, Joey, the technology, listen. They're watching.

They're protecting a 100 million, 200 million dollar property. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you

I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie you know I'm saying I'll see you next week brother. Where are you this week? This week I'm home April 13th is the next one at the Grand Mercy Theatre with Josh wolf That's next we gotta come in early to see uncle Joey. I'm coming in on Thursday Should I come I can come in earlier come in earlier so could spend a light do some edibles We'll see where your tolerance is that we to know where it's supposed to be I mean it I'll drop you off at Thomas River at the shamans house for two hours Let them take the spirits away from you before you go to New York and attract new ones. You know the same I feel you

I love you, buddy. Shout out. Have a great week. I got nothing this week I got a couple things but I don't know where I'm gonna end up this week, but I'll be out there banging it I got some ideas and I'm excited. I love it. I'm so happy me too. I'm happy. I'm happy good I know you're always happy. This is my tolerance is god damn it. Well, you told me to get high and then I get high I Told you to get high. You just don't have to say I'm happy. You know, huh? You say that should again have to drop you off somewhere a particular neighborhood so they can chase you around I think I'm gonna chase me for what he talking about Chase you cuz while you're in the car getting high with me, I'm gonna put a sign in your back

Sweet ass for rent Bitters accepted $10,000 for 15 minutes I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna the mood for love But doesn't that mean I'm getting tear-cast every time no no we're gonna spy listen I Know motherfuckers that no motherfuckers, and you know motherfuckers that no motherfuckers, so you know remember You're gonna make me say it in public I'm not never All these basic Jewish people I'm gonna call my Jew in Israel and then that Jew calls your Jew and then we get the wheels going I'm following you. I'm

You got to make me drop names here never I'm sorry matter with you next You know, I got a knock on my door and it's the Jew from over there call over here There's three guys already at my door before I wrap up the podcast and they knock differently I apologize for bringing it up. Yeah, so don't make me get started. So The world is your oyster cock sucker. Have a great week. Love you. Love you buddy The check-in is brought to you by Blue Choo. Listen, if you can't get it up like you used to, no worries. Don't get an anxiety attack. You know why?

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