Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The CHURCH: BEST of GREG FITZSIMMONS, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of GREG FITZSIMMONS, Vol. 1 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #GregFitzsimmons   #228 - Recorded live on 11/05/2014 - https://youtu.be/fMfpq5nSut4 #336 - Recorded live on 11/25/2015 - https://youtube.com/live/PixZbBa_Azo #430 - Recorded live on 11/14/2016 - https://youtu.be/q1IVKjkHI0E #524 - Recorded live on 10/10/2017 - https://youtu.be/2y443WIRqlc #621 - Streamed live on 09/25/2018 - https://youtu.be/0anexYiUHB4 #726 - Uploaded on 10/09/2019 - https://youtu.be/ZByZJNYX7tA

Music O que eu vou fazer é o vídeo de estudar e o sangue de Oena, o músico católico, com o padre, Deus, papá, Deus, eles foram legitos, ever spoke to me about sex. And then I had this Puerto Rican dude on my block, Puerto Rican Nelson. He lived in the back. He was a bartender in the city. He used to always ask me and he wasn't a freak in that. Now he's start to have one point he would molest me. And even till today, I think deep sometimes, point of recon Nelson. I don't know. That's me because he used to always have a robot and slip position That's how he locked around oh my god, poor recon Nelson You feel like it's maybe yeah, like I think that he ever dope me like I'm gonna put a cons behind him because Everything about him. It's like a demo. He was just a good dude. Yeah that we used to go outside and help us fix our bike

And he was a spattest dude and he was just you know He had the sideburns and the leather jacket and it was the fucking early 70s and I moved to Jersey And he would talk to a bunch of us and one day he would take us in the back. His claim, the fame with me was that I became friends with him and I go over there and he had a black friend that went over to the Rock and Gibraltar and he brought pictures back and then he would just talk to me. Then one day he asked me and he said, You gotta come over here and go to somebody's house and you go to the house a lot in their sober, but one day you catch them and they're fucking ammon. And we go over there and it's like early in the morning, like I used to go over there

every morning at 10 and wake them up and then what's up man, what are we gonna do today? Give me an hour, I got there and played stick ball with you. And he come out with coffee and he reeked of alcohol. Yeah. You know, it was one of those dudes in the summer. You know, no air conditioning. But just a dynamite dude. Yeah. And one day I knocked on the door and he answers with a towel around him.

And he said down and he's all fucked up. And when I was saying, he's gonna play football. He's like, man, not today. You know, all know all this shit he goes come back on like two hours, so you know we were in those days. You're punctual Yeah, like we were there in two hours He answered though you guys again the fucking curtains were still up. He invites us in. He's got a towel on You know what he turns a light on and it's like a table filled with alcohol, you know, and like, oh yeah, how old are you at this point? 12, 12 and I can't remember who the fuck I walked in there with like, it was like six of us manavored that like Nelson, but two

of us actually interacted a little closer with Nelson. Yeah. I was Spanish, so I understood Nelson's world, I knew Puerto Rican people, but I can't believe who... That was the other guy that mingled with Nelson. So we had woke him Nelson up. He was coming in, we saw him in his couch. You guys want to show that he doesn't show that. He puts the TV on, you can see he's still fucked up

my night before. He's got the towel on, and he's like, so you guys get late. And we don't know what the fuck he's still fucked up my night before. He's got the towel on. And he's like, so you guys get late. And we don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Like nobody ever spoke to me like that. I had uncles that would ask me, I anybody suck your dick yet. Are you pissing sweet yet?

That type of shit. But this. You pissing. Oh yeah, yeah. When you're Spanish, that's my own time. Oh yeah, you know what I'm saying? Great. Yeah, it's a great line But Nelson was basically the first person ever but like I know about sex

But Nelson was the first person never that said it could be yours You know, it's like like what do you mean you never had sex? I? Got a girl right now should come over and clean your pipe And we're both like fucking shit our pants Yeah, you come at like $10 this is so like no, no, no So I was it he never talked about it again and then when they were sitting there like a month Like a guy in a fucking towel as neighborhood boys over at office and get the ball Because he's outraged and they have an ass accent 14 or 12

So he was cool as fuck Back and basketball with that shit. So one day I go away with this kid and he starts telling us what's his name again Puerto Rican Nelson It's be capitalized. No, Puerto Rican Nelson is cool as fuck because he used to bring us we from the city And he would actually give us seven joints for fire that was wow he really took care of us It wasn't like he was a bad guy which to meme meant the world because a lot of people could bring you weed over in those days But they say I take a joint off the top. He was like I gotta go over to anyway Don't worry about it. The guy gives me a better deal So I always liked him because of that

So one day with an a church and a girl's there a Girl comes out of his bedroom, me and my buddy like, wow, look a part of he can now some of the bro, and she sits on his lap and shit. And he's like, yeah, this is my girl. He's feeling the rump. He's making out in front of a feeling to these issues. And me and my buddy are frozen like it's just I can feel I can I can't remember Who the fuck it was So This guy had to be 28 and the bro was like 21

But he was he was one of those he had to be 26 maybe he was from somewhere else and he lived there He's before the computer before neighborhood watching And no is freaking my pack him lived there. He's before the computer before neighborhood watching before. And I know it's freaked out by a pack of 12 year right now. No, because in those days a lot of parents came out and play with kids. I know that's different now. See, it's different now. We would never be able to

play with a random. No, so everybody knew for the neighborhood and those days we wanted to go into the murky waters. Yeah. And he was kind of opening the door, not really to be honest here Hmm it took a long time It's something he lurked us into his house. I said you guys want to have sex

This is after we knew him for a year, right? We go back there all the time to get water after a basketball game We know him, you know, but now he knew we were growing up and he knew what our needs were I look at it now like he was he was just just trying to, but we couldn't handle it. Yeah. So one day was sitting back that we had a basketball game and he's like, Hey, man, what'd you think of that fucking broad day? Me and my buddy, like, ah, she was banging. He goes, I'll tell you what he goes tell these guys how hot she was. And me and my buddy's like, yeah, she was hot. He's like, ah, when can we see it? He goes, listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. He goes, listen, I'm we see it? He was listening. I tell him to do. He was listening.

I'm gonna fuck it tonight. You know, live in room. I'll leave the window open. You guys come by and listen. What's up, you bad motherfuckers. Welcome to the Wednesday night edition of the church. Greg Fitsimans. My main man and fucking co-host Lisa yet Hello, what's up dog? Nothing you and I both had a rough day yesterday

Listen my day was so fucking rough yesterday because I didn't even know it. I went home that night I first walked one of the podcast ended. I was so fucked up I was just talking to Steve some on and I was nodding out right here I'm like I can't make it home. I went home. My wife was talking shit about something they care I Just looked at and I said I'm going to bed. She's like what you just walk through. I'm going right to bed I went right to bed. I got anxiety. I was just telling you guys I got anxiety and my fucking sleep Like I got up and just sat there pulled the sleep at me a mask off

I didn't know what to do finally after the third time my wife got up and just sat there pulled the sleep at me and mask off. I didn't know what to do. Finally after the third time my wife got up and we talked. She's like what's a matter of breathe through it. Next day I woke up I was still fucking dragging ass. I got to the acupuncturist. She said something to me. She goes, you're not yourself. What's going on? I go, I don't know. She started sticking needles in me and shit. And then she goes, what did you take last night? It's still in your system. And I go, we, get this motherfucker out. And she fucking went down to my calf. And she picked a tender spot and shoved that little needle in there.

And I put my head down. She cut me. There was smokes in the cop and shit. I was like, fuck, in any month. That smokes still coming out of me the next day. And I felt great after that. I just drank a bunch of water the rest of the day. And I felt great last night. I went to the communist of water yesterday and I felt great last night went to the communist world

But I will never eat those fucking fuck that shit. Yes you will you told me you told me that we were gonna do it tonight And I got here like well, we're not going deep now. We switched she but you That's not like a daycast that we didn't do dick great for Simmons Wait you this all happened last night Monday night. we got fucked up. They made some special Halloween, Edibles for us and me and him and Halem. It was an edible, they had the devil face on it. The devil face on it. Oh, what, is this a shop you go to?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. Oh, we got fucking blasted. I went home. I was telling you, I had anxiety in my sleep, which I never really had before. Like, I had to get up and think about what was going on.

It's tough at night because you can't go out in the street. You can't just go out to a coffee shop. You can't go see a movie. You're fucking trapped in the darkness. And no life forms are around you. They're all slumbering. It's just you. Thank God you got a wife.

Well, she always wakes up when I get up. I mean, you know, as soon as I get up, she gets up like, what's the problem? You know, after the day. And then you're up for the day? No, some nights I get up for the night. It's that night, particularly. I was so high I would go back to sleep.

Yeah. Like I would get up, get my composure, and then put the sleep apnea mask on and go right back to sleep. Yeah. Then a half hour later, get up again, get my composure. So what you really need is a sleep apnea mask

that's also a bong so that you can feed it. Something like that, this fucking people stay level. Yeah, it was just like weed anxiety, because I got anxiety driving. I saw a cop and I was sure he's gonna pull me over. So I pulled the U-turn and I went all the way home. I was gonna stop at a restaurant. I was like, I can't do it. I don't get that type of anxiety no more.

I was getting anxiety about two years ago. I would take edibles and go to kickbox and class. And once I would run out of oxygen, oh my God, I would become, I would become so sensitive like I would hear people going up and all this shit. But we'll hear it like an echo. And oh, it was fucking, I would have to step outside the gym and just listen to quiet and have to go back in. I think that's what there's a lot of things I respect about you, but I think one of the main things is how you're able to push these side effects to the side and continue being the rampant deviant that you are.

You have to. You fucking have. The only drug I couldn't push to the side was blow. Like, once I did blow, I was done for the night. There was no, I'll see you in two hours. Like, it just affected me. Like, I would disappear from Rogan. Yeah Like he's a great guy

Joe really cared for me like the fact that he's still my friend after all these years because At the end of the day, Joe don't really like all the drugs. Yeah, you got to watch it around him with him I told people a thousand times Watch it because Joe was cool, but the next day I've got to call how you drank 19 beers and you have a problem. No, can't you fucking beers because he's you know it's just he does he's not from that world. So for you know he didn't even get high and tell me his he was probably in his late 20s before he started. He's not from that world. He doesn't know much. He'll drink a high they can do. Yeah. One night he got really drunk at Vegas.

They sent them a bunch of shots. And that's not I saw that, you know, he's a sweetheart of a guy. That happened later on in the life when he started getting high. Right. So, but you have to, you know, he watches you because he cares about you in a way.

Like, oh, me and God, he's a nice guy, but fuck that guy, could tip him back or whatever. But he, the test drugs. He, the test cocaine. Yeah. And I would do a show with him. I would open for him and I'd already have him in my pocket. I'd have him in the top pocket.

There was already in the whole car room. Yeah. So when I got off that stage, there was no good nights. There was no C on 15 minutes. You were in the gender. It was over. The phone got shut off. I locked the fucking door and nobody was coming in. Yeah, I already had beers upstairs

Two beers maybe and I already had weed and I had everything I needed for the night in this whole Tower room you stay in there alone and do below fucking night with a fuck sits alone and does blow I've never heard of that in my life, you know It's it's the type of drug that it gets when you start it when you first do blow. Yeah, we come over Craigs going over great someone going to get high and, you know, if I can go to a bar and pick up chicks, fuck the people you get chatty. But then the drug, through time, becomes something else. Now, when the package is gone, the package is gone.

When I first started doing coke, once the last line was gone, it's gone. Let's go do something else. Then it started, we got to call the guy. Let's call this motherfucker, get another one. And then you start getting Coke and leaving some at the house for later on when you come back. You know, I'll just have a beer and do a couple lines by myself. Yeah. And then it gets to the point where it just flipped on me. I couldn't be around people no more. Like after 12 or 13 years of doing coke the script flip-time me And I was always more comfortable being by my I think since 90 94 when I got the prison the halfway house and all that stuff and I started doing I was doing it always by myself a

Chick would not come in that door unless I already shook her down What Joe what do you mean by that what I mean by that that is this girl I'm bringing into my fucking cubicle of death Is not coming in on a maybe yeah, she's gonna suck my dick. She's going home in the Right, right. There was no she's got a role to play. Yeah, there was no I'm not gonna assign duties once we get inside. There was no plan. Once I get in first thing I'm gonna do a set all line and make you take your panties off and suck my dick so I know what time it is. There's no fucking around. You think I'm fucking crazy. You think I'm crazy. First thing I do when a girl comes over in those days is I'd say, she pee. Oh my god, it's great to be a put the heater on.

And I go, hold on, I'm cutting the line. Let's see what you got under that fucking skirt. And I either eat that monkey just to get out of the way. Why are we gonna sit here for three hours with this monkey in the way? Because the whole time you're thinking about how I'm gonna fuck up, what positions, look at her thighs. Let's get that shit out of the way.

How often would it work? Every fucking time. Really? No, no, no, because before, listen to me, before she came to the door, she was already qualified. Like she was already asked shaking down like if you understand I'm gonna do more blow. I'll come back with you Let me tell you something. I don't fuck around. You're a savage, right? Yeah, what do you mean? What I mean is we're gonna do a couple lines

I'm putting you to work and they would look at me and go You're fucking crazy or you know, what do you mean by right? I'm giving you drugs I'm turning you out and then I would say right now Right some dick I'm gonna eat you asshole and they will just look at me because we're not gonna fuck around We're not gonna make out. I don't make out what am I 10? I don't make no, but I want to eat that ass I want my dick sucked. I want you to play with your pussy. What do all creepy shit? You know what I'm saying? Play with your pussy. Let me watch you while I work off and put a coke rock in your ass This is nothing about love. There's nothing flip over. You know, this is fucking nothing. This was fucking great and it worked all the time.

And then you cuddle, eat or ass all the time. No, out in the morning. Once the blow is done, do you have no idea? But then, but what I don't understand is the alone thing. Like, what do you do you do like if I finish a gig on a Friday night And I go back to the hotel room and I have a couple puffs watch Netflix Maybe I beat off. I'm asleep by 3 a.m. What do you do when you're doing coke alone in a hotel room? What activities transpires it is horrible In hindsight thinking about it now is one of the

worst things I would do you know if you see my face. I have picked on my face I would just sit there with the blow and look for shit. Yeah pick veins in that really because I hate it myself Or I hate it the situation I was in So I would go home at night. All right. Let's say I had a gramma coke gram and a half Because I was I would go for bro fuck a half gram. I do I don't Know about a half gram a gram Okay, after a comedy show on the road sure The first show I had a comedy club and trying to pick up a waitress or somebody at the show

Like because they look at me going. Oh, yeah, cuz right on stage. I'm gonna talk about doing below So when I get off stage during the first show, somebody's going to say something to me, or something's only go somewhere. It's going to go somewhere. Oh, you do blow something, or the second show, the second show for sure. More likely to have a cop had blast. Some people are going to say you want to blast. Well, there's going to be people at the bar and some girls are going to come over and go,

I have a blast. The next thing you know, you're doing a blast, they got a mini skirt and you're talking to them and this chicks are fucking savage. You know she didn't go out with a mini skirt on a Friday night because she's going to church on Sunday. She's not hanging out with the sniffles by outside. With the shirt going down the sleeve. Once they start drinking and it's one o'clock,

you know what time. And then they'll say, what are you gonna do after? Then I'm gonna go back to the old tower room. You wanna come to my play, right right there, right there, you listen. I got this guy, he'll bring an eight ball, I'm gonna listen, I understand one thing. If I come back to the house, I'm putting a coke rock in your asshole, I mean, yeah, look at you, like, okay?

Or, oh my gosh, you just got me hot, or, no, I have a husband, or I have a boyfriend. I mean, it's crazy. But here's the other side of the question. There's the other side that happened that I never felt good about. There was a lot of people I brought home that were in relationships, that were in marriages. Yeah. You know that they were just as much of a junkie as you were. Right. You know when you were junkie you over, you tolerate shit. You know I know 20 situations where I brought people home. I didn't know.

Shit, you know, I know 20 situations where I brought people home. I didn't know You know who I saw a picture of is a what's her name? Jennifer Aniston no, whoopie Goalberg Sarah Silverman at the mirror from movie do you see that picture? I didn't know she was so hot. I don't know. She dresses up when she dresses up. It's like a whole different person I had never seen that before. It's unbelievable Sarah someone is a good looking little fucking free. Yeah, she always dresses down and I never seen that You see it. Yeah, what I'm making that known the pictures what fucking picture? Put that down a little bit what picture at her premiere who's premier Sarah's element. She's got a new movie out Oh, Sarah does a little indie film. Okay. I didn't know that shit. He's talking about hunger games

What's he's talking about? I'm sorry. People talking about Oscar nominations and shit. Yeah, really good. She did a really good job You know, she's one of those people that's been around forever. She's like a she's like AIDS. She won't go away Can't stop it. You know, she's been around with me. No, when I came to this town She had just popped in something about Mary Even though she was just sitting in some of my memory. Even though she was just sitting in a whole table listening, she was involved in that movie.

That was a great fucking movie. I had my ass on. But she won't go away. She's always stays relevant. You know, she always pops. She popped a great HBO special last year. Yeah. It wasn't as much as great as how she did it a long ago.

Yeah. And all that type of stuff. So she does it her own way. She's like Joey Diaz. Well, how y'all she gonna do it? I got nobody, you know, I got nobody's way to do it. There's the only way you can do it.

Yeah. What's up, Irish? Good to see you, man. Fucking Thanksgiving, right? Thanksgiving. I've been holding that all week. I've been thinking about fucking pumpkin pies. It's like last Saturday.

Yeah. Like my last Thursday, like, man, I can't hold that no more. I need a fucking piece of pumpkin pie. I'm smoking this high cat I never got into the pumpkin house my favorite thing in the world Pumper pie little bit of whipped cream on top heat that motherfucker up Oh, and you know where I hate it pumpkin pie as a kid. Yeah, I like like Faggy colors like boys and Barry and Apple when I went to Catholic school

I got stuck with a pumpkin pie once. Oh my god I'm fucking good at those yeah and the cheaper the better right give me that oven was you cut up all my fucking godly with some cool whip cool it might even real whipped cream no no not cool whip the real shit the can okay real whip ready with cool with that tub of shit I'll go buy I'll go to a bodega and buy one of those little intents pies and one of the size of your fist. You pop it right out of there. I was wondering what those are, the little pie fillings.

They're little pie fillings. It's just like a little mini pie. They have a seven, 11. It's exactly a pie, but it's the size of your fist. And if you're between meals, you don't pick me up. You grab yourself an intents pie. Apple, they'll throw out the microwave for you. Really?

Pop it out of the tin thing, throw out the microwave. I never ate one of those. Yeah, it's great. Edmunds, I don't know what the fuck that is. It's scary, like, Antonymans, you never heard of that? Antonymans, I heard of it. Right, right. But they have little Apple Pie.

Yeah, little Apple Pie. It's on the counter next to the, this is how fat I was. I know what you're talking about. And it's next to those little donuts, but it's just like pie filling. I was always too scared to get it. I was I know what you're talking about and it's next like those little donuts but it's just like pie filling I was always too scared to get it I don't know what the fuck that is I didn't if you'd debate it or something I'm always been a host this apple pie that really that was part of my game growing up that's a quick filler that's just nothing but glazed yeah it's glazed with a fucking can of. Yeah, oh my goodness. This is sure you are. The dentist is like, that's my boy.

That's mama the fucker right there. That's money in the bank. Oh my God, I love those. You see him on one of the truck out back, you're dentist. You know, now you eat that hostess and it's fucking horrendous. That food is all horrendous. They've taken chemicals out, they've had it chemicals in.

I'm gonna host this cupcake, just to play in chocolate with a little fucking thing. Yeah, the little swirl. The little swirl. They gave you like a little heavy little dollar fucking sperm in there. Yeah. Now they gave you a nut and it's like some fucking little fag with the head. Shoot a little gun in there with a little fucking little. You gotta eat 10 pounds of chocolate to get the little fucking hippie sperm. It's one drop.

Yeah, it's one drop. You get the whole fucking load of sperm in to get the little fucking heavy sperm. It's one drop. You used to be the whole load. You get the whole fucking load of sperm in there from the guy at the factory. Now I'm not from some skinny guy, cough in the wheat seg whites. I used to be like a guy a diabetic blue, I'm not thick when I'm inside of a cupcake. Fuckin' tremendous.

Those things, you know, from me, he's close, you grow up on those things. And everybody's different. I think like South Jersey has tasty cakes and Philadelphia. Up by me, I was more of, what do I like? I like the... Ring Dings.

Rest of the country called them Ding Dongs. We call them Ring Dings. I'm a devil dog, I'm a fucker. But my all time favorite was the Yo-Yo's. The chocolate with the cream filled up like that and you got two in a package. And then they got dipped in chocolate, the boot. That's diabetics right there. Another one that dentists is right there top on your on the back.

Give me a little proof. Give me a twinkie. You take the cellophane off the little top gets stuck on it. You get to scrape that off of your teeth. They tried to stop making twinkies and people lost their shit. They pick it and they protest. They wrote letters, they brought it back. Twinkies. I got hooked on Twinkies one night. Twinkies was the first sugar buzz I had because my mom, I would go to my mom and go,

mom, I'm going on a school trip. And instead of just buying me two Twinkies, she'd buy me a box and say, share them with your friends. Fuck you. Fuck you. You would've heard this, Nick? Listen, I would start eating those Twinkies at 11 o'clock at night the night before before the odd couple

I remember the first all nighter I pulled on Twinkies one all nighter on Twinkies Yeah, and instead of snorting like a when you do blow you do like blow every 20 minutes when you pull along my shit Guys, this is the funniest fucking story of all time. I pulled an all-nighter on Twinkies one night before we went to Philadelphia and with Betsy Ross, did the fucking letter. Yeah, the letter. The letter? The way she made the flag with the fuck. Yeah. And we went to see the Nutcracker suite. My mother bought a box of those, a box of something else, and a box of something else. a box of those, a box of something else, and a box of something else. And it was the first addictive personality

that I ever showed. I did not know it then. I thought about it years later, how I kept watching them. You know, I started with the alcohol. I don't know anything was, let me eat another Twinkie. Then the alcohol,

psh, the twilight zone. I got to have a Twinkie for the twilight zone. And this time I'm gonna get two to and some milk to dilute them It's a one hour. Yeah, it's a one hour. We gotta get to and Then at one I watch something else that is be oh when I was a kid so I watch something else. Yeah, you know H.B. I was brand new Oh, and H.B. Oh later night. I think you know I was a friend. No you in the late movie when I was a young man Seven when that happened that not when I was seven The late movie when I was a young man seven when that happened that not when I was seven

When I that happened I was in the eighth grade So I'm talking about 78 the hot movie at the time they kept playing that you'd whack off too was Kentucky fried movie or the groove to to group to have a chick that ran across naked with her titties And you had that big box with three levels Chichich and that's how you got channels in those days. So each one had one to seven seven to 21 and 21 That's right. I was it that was it guys. That was cable fucking TV And it had a string connected to the TV So you had that's it. That's a TV. You had a string what a box on it and then they had like levels So you had zero to seven seven seven to 14 and 14 to 21.

Fucking tremendous. And HBO was 18. HBO was 18 and you can press it. That's how you did it. You pressed the fucking HBO and you got to look like, so nobody was around. And that's the first thing I fucking walked to. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. But I remember being six in the morning and still eating those twinkies and being chastened up and not knowing what's going on in your life, like just being chastened up and going, why do I feel this way? And being awake the whole fucking day and years later, one night I'm sitting there, I think talking to somebody and they're like, yeah, remember that trip? I'm like, yeah, the night before was the most interesting night of my life, because I stayed up all night eating twinkies. They're like, fuck yeah, you did the night before was the most interesting night of my life because I stayed up all night

Eating Twinkies, they're like fuck yeah, you did if you ate the whole box of Twinkies That'll keep you up all fucking night at that age. Yeah, getting coked up on Twinkies Like gonna deck one after the other little little brown little brown Twinkie decks and ever since that time you know what If I'm high and I gotta eat a Twink yeah, we eat it, but I don'tcks and ever since that time you know what if I'm high and I got to eat a twink Yeah, I eat it, but I don't think I think since that eighth grade I think I got that Yeah That was this thing I feel like a dollar a piece. Oh my god. It's a boy is listening to him fuck We got there. He was fucking the shit out of dog

east now we all ran away we were like what a fight we got there 10 minutes before he started fucking it well I did not even in there and all of a sudden you heard a oh oh he's like yeah that, that's insane suckin'. We tried to look. We... There was a bit of a... Look at that window. We just heard them fuckin' fuckin' and I heard me. Like that's the first time I heard balls and we ran out of that door.

And the next day he's like, you guys come by. Oh my God. That's the weirdest fucking neighborhood guy I've ever heard. Oh my God. Holy shit. That guy's great. But the Oli brothers. Think about how many like first you had with that guy.

First drinkin', fucking seed. But the Ali brothers think about how many like first you had with that guy first drink in fucking See it a tranquiler, but I don't think he didn't you no no no no He got this weed and he was like dog if I do this fee you got to keep it on the level I can't have you know he was very careful But the Ali brothers were the first per people that told me like this all was happening at once So I was living on giving that terrorist, but I would play on 26th Street and the Ali brothers were the first per people that told me like this all was happening at once. So I was living on giving that terrace but I would play on 26th Street and the Ali brothers were hysterical. The Ali brothers were the first people I ever met my life that went to a hookah house and they would both

describe the experience to me and it was like a fucking perfect film. You couldn't write this now my memory because one allie was very intelligent And he would say yeah, you give him ten bucks and you go in the back room and they fucking take your shoes off Then they take a bucket out and they wash your dick And they get on the bed and they ask you what he want to do if you want a 69 and we do everything And we do everything we're there for like a how we eat them. They give us a massage, the whole fire. And when you're fucking 12 and 13 year olds

telling you this shit, it's like pink Floyd the first time. You go home and think about that shit and think about the possibilities. Like maybe I go over there, I'll put on my best suit. I'll get 10 bucks and see what the Bronx has to offer. Are you fucking kidding me? But every Monday, there'd be a circle around these two.

And there'd be townness, all their sexual exo-pays, you know? The fucking Ali Brothers, until I hit the, right next to where they lived was a company called Duratest. And they made light bulbs, off-sizes. They made these things, but the best thing for us as kids was when they made the office to skinny long ones. Yeah. Oh, all that.

I could hit you in the head 25 times, nothing to happen. They just break and you get white powder out there, okay? So we would jump over the dumpster, get like 150 of those things and everybody would take an armful and we'd go to war with each other. No shit. Baa-baa-baa, we'd hit each other.

No cuts. Never, never misunderstand. And it was me, one, Ali, Martin Perez, all these white Dean LaPrie, all these white dudes from 2060, we all out there, but there was a roof. A flat roof over a garage next to one on these house, and there was access to the roof. So what happened to this wall? Five on five, everybody's hitting each other with these fucking things.

I run to the roof, I'm having my own private wall in the roof and so many throws a rock over. They throw a bulb over, right? Then another bulb comes over. Ah! And then a rock comes over. Well, I take the fucking rock and I look at the guy and I go, I'm saying that and I throw the rock up up in the air, right? And I just leave it like that and also get it. And we look over not the smart Ali but the retarded one Alberto the one that you still is saying seeing you still look at my song yeah like he was the one that he was like Louis he's like that character Louis that wasn't intelligent but he was going yeah yeah yeah it was there he was that

guy brought him in the head with that fucking room I clocked him right here didn't break but he got a lump immediately like a hematoma. Yeah, but it was a hematoma They got that pus went right to it and he had a little p-holder that you can see and he was on the He's on the flip like my friends didn't give a fucking guy the hell with the rock They give him in and what light bulbs Didn't give a fucking guy the hell to rock. Take him in and what light bulbs? Shit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But it's time we got to him. He had powder all over from the light bulbs. We can still see the lump on his head. I'll never forget it till this day.

I always look him up on Facebook and Google him. I can't get a hold of him. And that's how they spelled their name, Ali. A-L-E. Who's a human name, Ali. Yeah. I wish when freshman New York four months, the summer, that August,

humidity, you go home, you're washing, I dirty your hair, but you're still in the greatest city in the fucking world. It makes up for it. All the shit people complain about in New York, it's like, those are details. The headline is that my soul is alive. I'm creative, I'm writing new shit,

I'm bumping up against Asian girls with open-toed sandals on the subway. Looking down, pretend I'm writing new shit, I'm bumping up against Asian girls with open-toed sandals on the subway. Looking down pretend I'm checking my phone but I'm really looking at those nubby little yellow toes. But the good, good fucking, not self-manicures, no paint, just the natural color of the of the toenail. I think she want to go to one of those human trafficking joints over on Burbank Boulevard. Pay a tick the x220 to whack off on the toes, you understand? Sweetie, one on the floor, one on the table. Oh, you know, listen, those fucking third world nations over there.

You know, I always drive through either Burbank Boulevard or Magnolia. Yeah, I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I need to take Magnolia or Burbank Boulevard or Magnolia. I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I either take Magnolia or Burbank Boulevard and I can't tell you how many times I'll be somewhere and I'll notice a new massage problem. And I'm always disclosed to walk on a month. I go to one but I go there with my wife. It's right over here. They really do a fucking job for for it. Yeah, I got happy out 293. Yeah, oh you take your head on real plus They soak your feet. Yeah, yeah, they rub from your knees down. Yeah, put your hips back in place

Yeah, they rub your hands your forearms your neck. They twist your fucking neck Then they take you in the other room and they rub you down, they put hot stones on you for the small 40. And they give you a fucking hot cup of tea. A hot cup of tea? Yeah. The fuck that place is tremendous. And here's the other tip. I got a punch card.

If you're gonna go to one of these places, get there before 3 o'clock, because they're not changing out the sheets. So you want to be the first new guy on those sheets. This place is tremendous. They may change the face rest but they're not changing. They change everything. Yeah. Yeah. I've been going there. Somebody, I get from Jiu-Jitsu said go to this place. I was like coming to truth and I'm not gonna get a hand job. I go, don't make me go to a place there because that place is next to a little store I got it. Yeah. And the two sons always talk to me about s'mores and comedy and shit.

So that's a massaged father join the hand job joint. Yeah. Please don't fucking me, because I'll be embarrassed if I walk out of it and they see me. Yeah. And one day I was in no store. And I asked a guy if he heard anything about it,

I'm thinking of going over there just to cover myself. And he goes, people love it. It's fucking busy all in here. There you go. And they goes, people love it. It's fucking busy all the time. There you go. And they had a sign that said, happy hour. 12 to 320 bucks, neck, feet, and legs, and stuff, shoulders, and stuff. You get, you never went over there with me.

No, I haven't. Oh, you got to buy him a gift certificate from that class. He won't go. He's a girl from long time ago. We did the seal when we had the seal. I know, but you'll do the seal, but I don't know, they're Chinese people. I know, but you'll do zeal But I don't know the Chinese people You know me there in me great. You're the only one who like you you're only like Chinese people

I like your oligolies. I'll take you over there with me. Thank you. No, he won't go He won't be allowed to go. Oh you think I I went to play my wife gave me a coupon for a You know I live down in Venice and right on Lincoln Boulevard, you know, it is, this is all kinds of shacks on Lincoln Boulevard. Oh, they do have shacks on it. Oh, yeah.

So she gives me this coupon. She got it in the mail. You know, one of those value pack envelopes to come stuffy, clean your carpets and you go get a fucking wapper with cheese and dry cleaning. It's like all those coupons. And what I miss for this Thai massage place, so it's my birthday, and she sends me over there, and I walk in and this cute little,

little tiny Thai girl behind the counter, she leads me back to the room, and take off your clothes, get onto this towel, some laying face down. And I wait, a few minutes goes by, and then I hear the door open, and then you're ready, I'm ready, and and I wait, you know, a few minutes goes by and then I hear the door open and you're ready? I'm ready.

And then she starts rubbing, but it's like, she's fucking strong. Like, this is not what I expected from this girl. And she's working elbows, knees, fucking, you know, deep. And I was like, wow, this is, and then, and then gets to the ass and starts oiling it up, doing some deep circles, like round, to the point where I'm going, like, did I take a dump today where you start worrying about your hygiene and how it smells like that?

And then she goes, and she gets in that crease between my ass cheek and the leg. You know, she's got her finger in there. And then there's like a little ball graze and I think, oh, then she gets the other cheek. Same thing, rubs it, oils it, gets in that crease. Second ball graze. Now you got my attention. Slaps me on the ass. You turn over, which is four play for a lot of guys in America. Those three words. You turn over. I turn over. I look up and it's fucking to dude with lipstick on. Asian dude, long hair lipstick on. It's not the woman from the front desk. And he starts rubbing my thighs in front of my thighs.

Are you putting me high? Why are you telling me this? I do like 10 stars today. I'm gonna go to the stars, front of my thighs. Are you putting me high? I swear to Christ. Why are you telling me this? I do like 10 stars, I love staying emotional. I swear to Christ. You're scared, man. And so the dude's rubbing my thighs and he starts to go on the inside and I start to feel a little pressure. Oh my God.

And then he didn't go for it. And to this day, I think, I don't know what would have happened. Like I can't look you in the eye and say that no was on the tip of my tongue at that moment. I think I would have said no. It was the lipstick. It was the lipstick. When you lay like your back, anybody shows up a lipstick and a lot of the sucky-de lot of psychic deck You know saying are you kidding? And what night I wanted to like what night it was pissing on somebody night like spit on somebody night Like a big guy and a third floor on a tub

But I wanted that one time and there was a guy and they were playing like a wheel of fortune It wasn't called wheel of fortune. It was called like spend the cock And the guy with they they would tie him up, they could like, like Jesus, but spread his legs. On a wheel. On a wheel. And if he won the ballot, or whatever, they would make him go upside down

and something would suck his dick while he was upside down. I don't know if I can get it. The winner of the loser. I don't know, I don't know what the fuck. But I don't know if they get going and they want that on a luteube looking for a gram of blow. Like me and my buddies, like that was the last resort to get below.

And we went in there. And everybody was around this, like, you know, cherry go, go, go, go. And I met the ball, like, yeah, I'm gonna be going to gram of blow. I guess I'll hold on five minutes. And I'm like, what's going on over that? And it's like, oh, you didn't know?

Because he was gay as fuck as a guy. His name was Joe Gash going on over that? And it's like, oh, you didn't know? Cause he was gay as fuck as God. His name was Joe Gash. Cause you didn't know it's, you know, wheel of cock night or whatever. So I go over this full bass and his upside down. And this fucking Puerto Rican little mustache and low-year-end is something that pipe. But, or I figure that, I got it done as he is.

Like this type of shit, you're not supposed to see that when you eat. Here's the thing I don't, here's the thing I understand about Joey Diaz and the church, what's happening in general. If I had one story that good, you would know I had that story because I would have told, I would have already told a 30 time. This is one of many. That's what I'm saying.

But I've taught about it and I thought about one thing. I'll never forget that he was sucking the guys dick. And that was behind them. And all these gay guys were like, oh, go, go, go. Yeah. Go. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The guy's upside down. He's yelling because the blood's in his head. So this guy's sucking his dick. I don't know if to get that something baby go around. I'm looking at what the guy would look like that was sucking his dick. And he was sucking it.

You understand me? We all the blood goes to your head. I don't think your dick gets hard. So this guy had both his cheeks connected. Like he was like And I know forgot like at that time. I even think I got my dick so But that's pretty interesting like I think I suck in for his life Like he was sucking for his fucking life

I love it has out of this out of blood, but you just sit there and watch this. I watched it for about a minute. And then I went back, got my grandma Coke and left. And then I said, no, nobody was nobody's business. You know what I'm saying? I just thought I could have picked them up like that. Who says that type of shit? Who watches that type of shit? You've got to watch it. If it happens to funny, at least one time. And to wait for his Coke, you know, wait for the Coke. I'm gonna just watch what's going on. What's to wait for his Coke. You know, the other way for the Coke, I'm gonna know what's going on, what's going on with the talent.

You know what I'm saying? Maybe I would have jumped in. I would love to get my dick sucked if I was upside down. I think I could have panic attack, thinking back like if my head is underneath. I don't care how hot she is, if she just sucking my dick.

Well, it's a race between passing out and coming. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think, you hear about these people that ex-s fixate themselves while they masturbate. And I've always thought, you know, I've masturbated for a lot of years and I'm good. But could I take it to another level? No.

But I'm afraid what if I did and I forgot to let go on my neck or whatever, that's not the way you want to be. It's okay, so I think I have to be I from the exact. He goes into a room. I think he was in a closet and he put his belt around his neck. You put your belt around your neck and you hold one and pick your weight up or you just choke yourself. I think you have to tie it off because he got how David Caridin, one of the Caridin brothers died doing that. And then Robin Williams, it's supposedly my wrong.

So let's go back in. So it's like suicide, why you inject it off? Yeah, you try to choke yourself. You know how when you're getting choked out, you get lightheaded in the middle of you foric. So I guess you combine that with masturbation and it takes, to me masturbation, after all these years, is still so fucking good.

Like I don't, I don't picture making it better. It's like it's all in my control. It's joy, it's a release. There's a little shame afterwards. But the actual experience of it, I still can't believe after all these years is nothing that I still enjoy as much as that one activity. And there's nothing else close.

You know, when it comes to me, I like banging one out. And there's nothing else close. You know, when it comes to me, I like banging one out, but I banging them on the road, like in the shower. In the shower. I love banging one out in the shower, when I can lay down and sit, and I got time,

like condition by hair, I shave. See you lay down in the shower? I love that shit. I owe for years. I lay down in the shower to me. It's, if when I get off a plane That's the thing I look most forward to when I land especially at a hotel That's why when I go to these fancy spent your hotel. Yeah, I have a shower curtain. Yeah. Oh, yeah

I'm the whole glass anymore. I don't have a tub. Yeah, they pissed me off. I turn the hot water on I fucking smoke a half a fucking smoke I have for no But sometimes I'll take a little piece of a xanix And I just sit in that water and I fucking think I Wait till it gets hot nice and steamy 20 minutes in your shave. It's like shaving through butter Yeah, you know how long you in there for all together sometimes now Sometimes two hours the fucking room the shower at the you're gonna get a car from the from green piece about that one well you're a fuck where's uh

where's uh what's the whole time I say it South with South Point shower is where the brick ends. Yeah. All the way to there. Yeah. You walk in, you open the thing, they have a sink in the shower, and then they have a gun, and then they have a shower, and then they have water that comes out of the walls, and they have a little bunch. You know, many times I've gotten up there full in the morning, rolled the fucking joint, smoked it, gotten toasted because I painted 250 fine there. I don't give a fuck because by the time it's just a big room, I'll pay I'll smoke a joint in the bathroom. I'll sit there for four to six thirty. Thinking about my life. Imagine a neighbor at Lee, you know, because you can hear that shower going in the next room in the hotel. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I was on an angle. Yeah. And you know, you go to these people's houses, they're rich. And you would take a shower at somebody rich's house, 1.8 million, two million dollars, like the 10 minutes they got no hot water. You got a waste of the house.

Yeah. Your house is a waste. 10 minutes, I got to wait another half hour for the water, you got meat. I lived in a building in Hollywood that I have one of those old tanks. Do you know I used to sleep again? You keep the water running while you slept because I feel the way I could sleep when I had to sleep after I was 400 pounds So I would go in the tub. I take a pillow and I put a garbage bag on it One of those fucking hefty hefty hefty hefty.

It's so easy to die. I would fucking close the up to pillow. I would put it behind me. I would put the hot water on it, and it would hit like my stomach. And I just fucking sleep there. When I wake up, the paint will be peeling off the wall. Before we moved there, we had to paint the back.

And my peel, the primer off the wall, sheet rock was sheet rock was coming off mold the fucking top was just mold yeah you can see where it's just drip with brown mold every time you were painted the mold the right through when I fucking first got diagnosed with sleep that's the only way I can sleep I love showers yeah I've always loved showers I don't understand dirty people whatsoever do you take baths. I don't understand dirty people what so ever. Do you take baths? No I don't want to bathe in the same water the germs I came with I want to stop the flush. Okay. I want to sit baths Baths is something Like drinking for me like in the 70s when you watch a TV show or Greg walked in here in the 70s

I would turn around and have a bar with a bottle filled in the brown booze and it could be Scotts, Burbin, Whiskey. You don't know, but you didn't have the boss to ask. I poured two of them and just gave it to you. Joey Diaz, I gotta tell you, man. You're the real deal. Just hang it out with you for 10 minutes before the show. Nothing makes me happier. You're just a fucking real guy. Why fuck a man? No, there's no all I should do. before the show. Nothing makes me happier. You're just a fucking real guy. You don't give a shit. No, there's no talking shit about so Brock, tober making me laugh about fucking Ari. I just got to hit Donbong. It's what I want to do. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's a

big grease outside. We got our legs. Yep. We got arms. We got our health. Right. No, you do. No, I reckon I'll just fuck you. Yeah, we get one drop on you fall down flight of stairs What's that you dick? I'm getting to the point now where you get it there and once you bang out one then you done done like done It used to be like a two one that would stay half of the tension Yeah, and you go back in there for the second stab and then last a little longer. I really see stars. Yeah. That got cut out. Now I got a 24 hour shot clock on my now. It resets. Yeah. 24 hours. It's it's it's. And the worst is I'll go to my office. I got an office like this, about the same size, just fucking all business and little couch and uh, you know,

I'll watch some Japanese hidden camera massage porn lesbians And I work one out and then I come home that night and the wife throws a move on me after the kids go to bed And I got a look at right in the eye and go too late sweetie Too late That one's gone Now I usually don't bang one on the daytime I'm a late night type of dude. Really? Yeah, I don't know why I'm on a day time banger, I like late night when I got none to do it night you board you might as well bang one out I go take a pee and I'll bang one out standing up no shit yeah I'm old school

I'm standing up you landed all in the water it is it all over the place yeah no I landed right in the toilet and then I close it and it's a little space. C monkey, remember in the 70s? You put that powder in the water and you closed it. C monkey. I got a back bath. I'll come in that toilet. I'll put the lid down. I go away.

I come back two days later. I got like a half a kid in there. It's like, there's like a hand with a fly on it. And that's telling me to help me. Help me get the fuck out of here. I flush them down the toilet. You got to heard of fucking horses. I got a back bathroom that gets those retarded flies.

Yeah. Okay. What do you mean they're slow? They get big and slow. I don't know what happens. I open up the door and I take a shit and while I'm taking a shit, you know, I love taking a shit with the bag door open. Yeah. When we rented this house and I saw the layout, nobody comes to that bathroom.

You have to walk through too many mazes. So it's my bathroom. I got a couple of kettlebells on the floor. I got some club weights and shit. I got two punching bag, two gloves in there. I got my bon in there. I got that wall watching the back door. My Santa Maria stuff. And I got this shitter. And it's perfect. And I opened the back door. The sun comes in at six in the morning at

the my first cup of coffee. And as I'm fucking smoking bonkets this shift flying out of my ass when you cough. What's better than coughing out of bonkets? It's nothing better. No, it comes right out. And for some reason lately, as you get older, you get those extended pieces of shit. What? The ones that aren't long no more,

they're like six inches, but the middle has like a four inch gap, like a mushroom. Right. So your ass stretches out for a minute. Yeah. It's like fucking, you guys are both saying, yes, like, where are you talking about? As you get older, your body changes. Okay. you're young guys. So your shit's changed. So the last

week last Monday and I gotta be honest with you, I'm on that. I'm very honest. I do not do pain pills but I had an out toy can. People give me on the road. People give me different pills. I put them in my little out toy. Viketins, hydrocodone, whatever. I got everything in that. Do you know what each one is? No. Not really. Not really. You know, I have an idea. But not really.

So some nights, you know, so when we had the last night before so about October, we came in here. We had like six coding trees. And I ate them. Let me tell you how much I don't eat pain pills. They clogged me up, oh, we. Oh, yeah, that's the problem. They've disrupted me all week.

Coffee, I could feel the shit in my stomach. I finally subtracted this. The morning I ran over the pizza, the Mexican place up there, they got a fruit salad. Whenever you eat that, at the end, they give you a fruit cup with the Mexican cream on top and makes you fucking the dick I just eat. Yeah. To give you a couple blueberries, raspberries, strawberries and melon, the green melon.

Right. It's tremendous. I just went up there and said give me a fruit thing with no cream on it. Give me half the cream. I ate the whole fucking thing and Friday night I was on that throne like I said there were coming out in chunks Yeah, you could hear it. It's like people blowing sheet rock off And your asshole is this stand it three times I went in there It was like ten minutes of fire like flushin out of get up fuckin' get the polgo stick and push it down,

whatever the fuckin' call that thing. Load the cannon out of fuckin'. I got the big extended one for gorillas, the ones that use the gorillas cage and the Bronx Zoo, I'm pushin' down on this motherfucker. But for some reason, I attract these flies and they go against the bathroom window and they kind of get retarded. Yeah. Right? So after a few days, they just come into my lab and I got a little weed container, a glass

container that's empty weed. And I put them in there. I take one of their wings off to fuck them up a little bit. And I put little holes and I feed them weed. I just give them weed. And for three or four days, they just eat weed. They don't know. And I just put more flies in there. I got about eight and for three or four days they just eat weed. They don't know. And I just put more flies in there. I got about eight of them in there right now. And they have a fuck. Do you let them out? No, no, they're in there. I'm like, I'm like,

that's it. I'm like, that's it. Do an edible like the, that collected the bugs and put them up. Trubby tricks, pussy. Yeah. And then he would drop them off in the weeds off the 170. What's the remember the, put the cream on the skin, that dude, the cream we do. Jopped delusion in the bucket. Jopped delusion in the bucket. I don't remember a bug's going in the pussy in that movie. Is that what it was? It was a moth.

Oh God, I don't remember that. You would put moths in their mouths or something. Oh, yeah. That's how they found them. They found the moth in the mouth. Right. They figured out that the moth got sent from some other country. Yeah.

No, I used to take those vikin and I got shoulder surgeries, probably going back five years. I got shoulder surgeries just from repeated throwing shit my entire life, just the right shoulder needed to be rebuilt. And they gave me, I had the surgeon, right me vikin, I had the general practitioner, right me, hydrocodone, I had somebody in physical therapy, Vicodin, I had the general practitioner write me hydrocodone. I had somebody in physical therapy write me somebody. I was filling everyone for fucking nine months. These guys kept refilling it.

And then I go into people's medicine cabins. If I came to your house for dinner, I'd excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I would write for through your shit and I would take your hydrocodone. Because there's anybody out there, friends, family that have had me over in the last five years and you think you got a little hydrocodone left when you get a back ache, you're gonna have to refill that. That's gone. Thank you for the honesty. Yeah. That's why I don't put my shit in the bathroom. I'd go to open houses. I got my medication in the weirdest places. Yeah, like my blood pressure medication The kitchen next to refrigerator

So I'm reminded to take it. Yeah, and all my men and men and men and men and men and little do pills I got him hit you know saying those are hidden because I don't want mercy to find them. I know you got to get a save I don't the first to find them. I know, you gotta get a save. First of all, I don't have them to put up, like some people take them and they put them in their medicine cabinet. I don't have the anxiety shit that doctor gives me. Yeah. I don't put it in there.

I don't even take it on the road. I wash more of those anxiety pills. Oh, you told me, you put them in your pocket before you got the store. I wash more than I take. Yeah. You know, so, but it was interesting before the podcast that we took on about the fries club. Oh, right. What are the requirements? Well, back in the day, the requirements

were the you have to be a man. I don't know what the I don't think there was ever a race restrictions. There's a lot of private clubs in New York that had race restrictions. You know, you had the the Union Club and the players club. There was a whole like circuit of private clubs in New York that had raised restrictions. You know, you had the the Union club and the players club. There was a whole like circuit of private clubs. They're mostly in like old beautiful brown stones, like five story brown stones. And the Friars Club was founded as a club for entertainers. It was for comedians, Borscht Belt guys that were on the road, Broadway actors, songwriters, entertainment attorneys, agents. And they all joined this club and they would just hang out and they had a, the Joey Lewis bar you came in on the left

and it was one of these all time New York bars with the fucking red padded rubber on the edge of the bar and then some deep black booths in the back and they serve you the fucking peanuts that everybody's pissy hands been rifling through all day, but you eat them anyway. And guys just come in there after work, have a couple of drinks.

And then during the day, guys come in for lunch. The dining room was fucking beautiful. I think it was the Frank Sinatra dining room. And you get the dover soul and they take the bones out, right at the table. They come over and they and they take the bones out right at the table. They come over and they flay it for you right at the table and you just put it on your account. Nobody, you don't bring money to the Friars Club. Everything is just, they know your number, they throw it down. Then you go upstairs and they got a card room, guys play

cards all day, betting, all fucking like these, you know, they're working at night, they're comics. So they have their lunch, they play cards, and an upstairs, I get a steam room, that's the best steam room in the city, and you walk in, you get your little locker, and then they give you a robe, and you walk into the steam room. Guy comes in, he's got a towel,

and then he's got a washcloth that they, this got ice cubes on it, and he hands you that the glass of water and then when you get out you walk into the shower you take a shower big fucking big shower with the the power nozzle that blows that should it is like a civil rights right in the 60s you're getting blasted against the well German shepherds are barking underneath the other side of the stall. And then you come out and this Polish guy takes a towel, not making this up. And he fucking pats you dry your whole body. You just stand there where your arms out.

This guy pats you dry. Everything but your dick. And then he wraps a towel around your waist, hands you another glass of water, and then you go back and you go sit and you put the robe on. And they got these lazy boys sitting outside by the gym, big screen TV, variety magazine, Hollywood reporter and you sit down and you fucking watch a little MSNBC, read variety, put a towel in your head, take a nap

and then you go out to your show that night. Do you have to let the guy drive you off? Why wouldn't you? I don't know. That seems... Shit. Gray feeling. How long have you been a member of this floor?

I joined in 93. I'm one of the requirements. I mean... You got to have somebody recommend you and second you, and then they review you, and then you come in and they have a little ceremony, but they swear you in and reach the rules and all that stuff. So I joined. My father was a friar, my whole life.

I watched the OJ Chase and the Friars Club. I watched, you know, the 86 Mets when the World Series and that Friars Club. They had a, they have a TV viewing room that's fantastic. You know, and the waiters are everywhere and fucking black jackets and bow ties, getting you drinks, and then my, I sponsored this woman, Sarah Firaughan, funny comedic actress, kind of quirky. And I submitted her, she got accepted,

she goes to the ceremony, she brings her friend, Aaron. And I'm there and I talk to Aaron, she's with a guy, but I talked her for like 20 minutes. And then after the ceremony, I said to Sarah Fearon, I said, I'm going to marry your friend someday. And three years later, I started dating Aaron, took her to the Friars Club, proposed in a Milton Burle Room, I proposed to her. She said yes, the rest is history. ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi ʻi you you