Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The CHURCH: BEST of RYAN SICKLER, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

The CHURCH: BEST of RYAN SICKLER, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT   #307 - Recorded live on 08/10/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btjzrMDmmzk&t=50s #326 - Recorded live on 10/18/2015 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vKnZ9yP0Hs&t=2354s #635 - Streamed live on 11/14/2018 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYfW6w1P7KQ&t=135s #710 - Uploaded on 08/15/2019 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwYUv7igFx8 #768 - Uploaded on 3/11/2020 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj6dEhoYH4U&t=4s #811 - Uploaded live on 08/10/2020 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikogZO3b7zo   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #LeeSyatt #RyanSickler

Music Okay, and when you walk in, like townhouse you walk in and it's got stairs that go up, but they sort of go back deep, not terribly wide, but a little bit. And there's always a half bath right when you walk in the front door, right there on your right, just a toilet and a sink, okay. He's got these shit problems he's going upstairs to the main bathroom he's going to the second one they're all you being used it's a you know small townhouse like a hundred people in it and he's telling us why he's like I'm off the shit in

that half bath and the living room is packed full of people eating everything she's like don't do it he's like I'm gonna have to shit I'm gonna have to go in there and do it and he just sits sorry anyway did it I'm gonna have to go in there and do it. And he just said sorry. Anyway, at Ivy, he said he was in there for 25 minutes, it came out. He said the whole thing, the food, everything. He ruined everything, the party fucking, they all left. They all fucking left. And she had to go back and work.

Well, he didn't have to see him. She had to see him. They were like, man, your husband shit this house up and ruined the fucking. That's a horrible, horrible situation. That's hard Listen, man, I used to do a lot of coke so I go to people's houses I do two bumps of coke and the first thing I do is take a shit and I tell them you got another bathroom They go, no, use that one. Oh Jesus. I listen, no worse shit

You'll take other ones in some of these houses the sticky ones You get two rolls of toilet paper You don't have no more rolling paper. You got a fucking yell out for them for fucking toilet paper The worst shits I have to take I want I'm out You know at that coffee shop we go to Marie-Eate and you got to run to the bathroom And then there's somebody in there shit already I get furious. Yeah, well sometimes I just drink coffee and got a pee And I run to the bathroom and somebody took a shit in that bathroom my blood pressure goes 200 over I get furious people who shit on

the outside because I try my heart it's not to shit in the city oh yeah I really do I really fucking do I hate and always have to shit when I'm leaving the house it seems like when I'm just about to leave the house no that's why I'm calm I get up at six I give myself a few hours Faking out a little bit. This people will leave the house and expect to go to somebody else's place a residence or business and Fuck up their bathrooms your friend. They understand he was very sick I don't want people coming over to my house and taking a shite. No hell no Not like that. You know when people come over they look like are you come to your house and go?

Can I use your bathroom? That means fucking you're done You're done you're done. I've been at a house with a guy for a while my dad was just here before we can it was There's a family story that he went we went to hit my aunt house at sisters and he pooped and then my my cousin went in and Pute It was like ten She came from the smell she came in my you made my you made my Maybe you from your proof how many how many fucking places that I go to them when I was doing blow and I destroyed the bat and put a point where the

To other got stuck because you do cocaine it loosens everything up you start dropping everything everything pop pop our legs Bones Oh my god, it's fucking horrible Matchbox that's the one thing about cocaine you do it and it cleans you And then you're running on an empty stomach the rest of night. Your stomach is growling But you don't want to eat because you're fucking doing pile it's tremendous I'll never forget my grandma used to tell me this story all the time. My grandmother was hip and she and and one of our cousins, he was older, but they shared a birthday December 8th, I believe.

And they would always get together for a coffee and hang out on their birthday and they went to this place. It was called White Coffee Pot Jr. back in Baltimore and they were sitting down having coffee. My grandma said, Oh my God, I need to use the bathroom. So she goes into the laser and she's telling us this and she sits, she squats over the toilet and she's got terrible diarrhea and she said, I cleaned myself and when I was done I turned around to put the toilet paper in and nothing was in the toilet and she

said, I looked up on the wall and it was every it sprayed all up on the wall and she's like oh my god so she runs out and washes her hands and as she's getting ready to come out here comes a female attendant to clean it my grandmother just looked at her and goes I don't look with some six son of a bitch in there did that's disgusting all day I saw their crap my cousin said we're getting a fuck out yeah it was the timing of day She just thought quick like it's fucking disgusting. I can't even be in here I almost to myself the other day. I was at the year no one my mom My my dad and Paul and meant and I was taking a piss and I thought I had to fart and I like almost came out I was able to stop it at the last minute, but it's a horrible situation

I mean you shit yourself. I do it once a year just do it you don't know only once a year but you eat like better food you don't know you go there for the first time and people are like oh it's great food and you're going in there you're gonna be a fucking canned shrimp that canned shrimp goes through me I don't like water yeah last week a bunch of my friends said that I go in chopsticks is good I low-can. I've always driven by it. So you know what, honey? You want Chinese? I want Chinese.

Let's go to the golden chopsticks. Mercy, I'm going to go nowhere. Sorry, I go get it. We ordered it on the phone. The shrimp was horrible. The wings were delicious until you bit into them. And then you could see they were glued together. Like, 7 or 11 wings.

They're purple. They got like a low grade of wings. The chickens got cancer or something. They got weak wings. Their wings break. The wings with the, this is the best wings in LA. My wife was saying, best wings you could ever have in LA want, all right, rice.

I don't want to see any of that. Next to Vito's pizza down there. Oh, I know, or Vito's. They'd be a place named rice next door. Now it's something else. They serve sushi. But 15 years ago when I was 418. I didn't have to be 418. I would go to rice and get three order of wings. Six to an order garlic wings. Oh, just no sauce, no blue cheese, no celery, just fucking wing me

with garlic, juice on it, Chinese to a fresh, delicious, 695 a piece. Really? 895, I didn't give a fuck. Me and my wife were gonna get the lunch special and three order of fucking wings. The tables and my wife said to me, she was, we'd never had those wings again. Just delicious. And this place, the wings were, like I said, they were, I didn't get sick the next day. I'm not gonna lie to you. The pork fried rice was, I didn't eat a lot of it. The shrimp and garlic sauce was just horrific. And it was the shrimp.

If they were to use the size, bigger, whatever. Once you give me those little shrimp, you're insulting me. Yeah, thank you. You wanna use those for shrimp fried rice? I'm not mad at you. But for shrimp and garlic sauce, you gotta go a little bigger.

And we got some notes. I ate some white rice, and that was it. I love shrimp, but I don't get it very many places. I'll have to go to a Thai place for a while before I try their shrimp pad Thai. I'm a seafood snob, man. People shrimp cooking like two minutes. People overcook them, they're always rubbery and shit, and then you start freezing them. They don't have a freeze them, they have fuck all that that shit up I told my wife to stop buying the shrimp from Costco

Yeah, the big bag we went and then you would go out and eat shrimp You're like Jesus that tastes like real fucking shrimp to give me that old fire. I told you that's that old fucking something Jew Listen when they dropped that exxon Some fucking Jew was like go down there and buy everything up sharks everything that's flow Watch this shit off. I'm freezing And that's what they did some fucking sick fucking like good one They don't show you that shit. They gotta say don't fish if they weren't sold here There were so somewhere else. There was so somewhere else

They scoop those little eggs on oil fish before the oil goes into the skin. The BP one I think you're saying. You will BP eggs on and they all... They all, yeah. Watch those motherfuckers off and you're freezing. You put some salt and pepper on them. The freezing like that.

And you're selling the fucking whoever. They don't know what the fuck you are. And that's why I think that Costco shrimp is. It's definitely like related to that shrimp. Like the second cousins to that oil fucking shrimp. All right. To that situation, you know, I mean much like what he's saying with you like, you want to hear what you're going to say next.

People really enjoy, you know, the whatever it is behind it. The sarcasm, the smart-assness, the funny, the clever, you know, because the other thing, too, is comedians. We say what people are thinking, but I think it's our job to say that same thing in a way they've never thought of saying that. Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So it's 100% relatable, but maybe you picked the right word here or, you know, chose it to say it this way instead. And so it still hits home, but it's like, wow, because I, you know, I think it's our job to, to write beyond that. I think if someone pays you to see that, if I'm going to relate to you, I should be able to say it to you in a way.

Maybe you hadn't thought about saying it, but you get my point exactly. That makes sense. Absolutely freaking me out of it. You look good too, Joey. Yeah. So do you everybody's looking good. Lisa, I got some sun to woman shit this weekend up there in the Southern resort, whatever the fuck you were. Had a good time in Minneapolis. That's a great little fucking room. I hear it, yeah.

The super nice people, I guess some guy gave me maple syrup and rice. And then he wrote me a note, he didn't write me his fucking name. I came and gave him a fucking shout out. He gave you syrup and rice? Oh, is it a good rice or was it a bag of it? I'm gonna bag to cook it then some of the guy gave me two hits of acid

people asked me if I want to do math that's a crazy fucking thing I lost the acid I can't find it was in my wallet somewhere I don't know what I did with it oh my god I bumped into that someday when you're in an Apple Watch stock you stick you have one of your compartments and there it is hit it ass and you got a nine hour stop and you got some he say you got a vapour pen fuck if you go for broke Jack I told you I look here it is I I smoke weed obviously but drugs have always they've always scared me for me but in the right situation what's the worst drug you've ever done? I mean outside of weed the only two drugs I've ever done

are shrooms one time and I did ecstasy like twice. What'd you think of next? And the first time it didn't work, the second time a girlfriend I was dating from Argentina game and that we shit, we went and rented a cab up in Big Bear. That was one of the greatest nights of my life. I mean, it was, I'm with the high for hours, sick five hours maybe. And I mean, I understood finally, because everyone kept describing to me what it did and how

it felt. And finally, when I felt that permanent smile, get plaster on my face, I was like, Oh, this is what it is. And it was just, that was a lot of fun. But shrooms to me, I enjoyed that shit for like 45 minutes. And then I was just like, all right, I want this enough. Get it out of me, get it out of me. You know, I always, if I ever, I don't know, most of the time I don't get high, I just, you know, smoke and I relax. And then you just dissipate and float out of it. But with shrooms, that shit just hung around and I wanted it to be over. I was like enough of this.

Last Sunday we did an asshole in the show and it was pretty intense. It got pretty intensive moments. It was and it was fun. And I had a leave because if not, we would have stayed until six in the morning. Like, that's how you feed an acid trip is with people talking in conversation and smoking weed. I don't know if I could have gone out publicly like I used to. You could go out publicly on acid? Well I was 16 really. You go. I didn't have a house. I didn't I lived with some people but I couldn't stay in and watch TV with them and do a head of acid so you met four your friends and you took a head of acid 730 that

meant by 11 you're burned you are burning. 1617 and you're behind the high school. Look, I would have come with you but I would have been scared to death to do the at the club. We'd get in those days, you bought 25 hours, got you like dirty joints. So you rolled them up, you rolled up 30 joints before you went out. So everybody knew where they stood. Like when I go on home, that we smoked 30 fucking joints, that's crazy. And sometimes we'd smoke 25 and we'd take a joint home For the morning, you know like that we were tight

But that was it, but we went out till four or five in the morning When you trip your fucking balls. I don't think I'd like that walking around or We do what we did the end and go to the midnight movie That's a blast. It's not it you don't freak out sitting in a movie theater. No. In fact, you can you even concentrate on the movie. Yes. The movie sucks. You went. Okay. The colors are brighter. At least that's right. Yeah. At one point, the movie would just suck you and at first you'll be like, I wouldn't take Lee to see like the Rocky Horror pictures. Oh, that was terrible. Because I'd kick them. I couldn't sidestab them while we were sitting there and go crazy. I feel like I

feel like you killed people at the Rocky Horror show, no, I went once and they got so excited They were like jumping up in their seats The girl broke up with me over knocked on the rocket We weren't even boyfriend girlfriend well, Well, I was 19 she was 27 She was my neighbor she was an Italian girl from Milwaukee and she had a sister Tia Mia Something and she used to cut my hair man. I was a 19 year old kid. I just moved from Jersey to basalt Colorado Holland Hills. I'm living in Holland Hills in the house with four fucking bedrooms and three guys that are fucking each bench pressing

480, you know One of them went back to live His mom had a heart attack so he left and the one guy that was a garbage man He was a garbage man an ass when'd come home every night with skis and shit like that. It was a pretty bizarre time. I was a young kid. I was fresh out of New York.

Everything I looked at had a price tag. You know, I was a shark man. I was a fucking shark. But these girls lived next door to me. And they were very nice. They come over and they'd made dip. And they were like green bay packer fans. And we'd watch football and blah blah blah.

And the girl said, you know, I cut hair. The older one's like, I cut hair. So when I went out one day, she's cutting my hair, blah blah. Okay. And then, you know, it just went, we were just friends. And then sometimes I would go that way. She worked at a wine shop called the grog shop. I still remember. and I wouldn't meet her and she would give me a ride. What's called down valley Like if you work and ask me you have to go down valley up to go past no mass Pass all snow mass into basalt and woody Creek and all that shit So I you know we would just flirt We would just flirt and one that I asked her black blatantly

Blatantly I said she goes what's your ice? Oh, she was cut my hair and I put my hand under her skirt And she goes what's your problem and I go I like you I got a crush on you She goes just say so just don't put your hand on my skirt. That's not gentleman Like she goes what do you want to do you want to take me on a date? You just want to fuck just tell me your intentions It was that blatant. Like it was that blatant. And I go, I really don't know. I just, I don't know. I thought I'd take it to a movie or something. And she goes, how date you? But you got to move out of next door. She goes, I can't date a neighbor. It'll never happen. And I was moving anyway. We were moving at the end of the month. So I waited to July 1st.

And I hitchhiked down here. This is the savage I am. I fucking hitchhiked down there at 10 o'clock at night. And I just knocked on a screen door. And she's like, what are you doing here? I go, I moved out. I'm ready for our date. What do you want to do?

And she goes, come on in. And I think we did a little blow. A sister was there. The sister was really nice. We talked for a little while. And then she took me upstairs. And I think we stayed up all night and did dirty stuff. And, and she drove me home the next day. And it was like she was, you know, she was older. But I remember the first time my roommate in Snowmass caught me with it. Because she would go to work 5 to 12 or 5 to 10. So she would come up in the afternoon and my buddy would be working. But he knew her from the building. We all lived together next to it. And I just never told him that I was with it. Nobody's business.

She came up when afternoon with breachies. That's the first time I ever ate breachies in an apple dog. I'm American cheese type guy. At that time, I had only tasted American and Swiss cheese and that was all because she showed up with her vagina. She showed up with breach fucking cheese on apple. And she smeared it on the apple and I'm like, are you fucking crazy?

I'm from Jersey. Right. At that time, I you fucking crazy. I'm from Jersey. Right. At that time, I was hustling Columbia house. Yeah, I remember I was a record company name Columbia. Yeah. So I was hustling them. So I was like 20 cassettes for a penny or something like that. Eight cassettes for that.

I had that for a CD when I was going out. And then the next three were at 2199. And you had a by four albums in a year that can't see a subscription fuck you I would put that penny on a postcard because mummy had a put a penny You had a fucking Scott's tape of penny on a little stamps for the albums you wanted stamp for the albums and send it So I would keep sending it to the same managers only under different names So my godmother wouldn't know what the fuck was like every time I go to my godmother She kept you keep getting these bills up here whose Carlos Torres

And then I started doing it. I started doing anybody's house. I went out with take their address down And I talked to my mother my mother will go you got a box over Guillermo's house And I go really that's it and I go over the Guillermo's house and free. Yeah, he got bills for me and he would come to the bar. Why am I getting bills in my house from Columbia's? I scammed Columbia house like every out of that Christmas. I'm hell you like. I got Spanish. We had a teacher that told us if you're he told us in high school.

And we were we were soft more as he gave it straight up. He's like, I'll be honest with you. If you're under 18, you don't have to pay for shit. And he told all of us, he encouraged us, go get all those CDs you want. And then when they sent you a bill, he said, take out a crayon and write, I'm 16 and send that ship back. You'll never hear from me.

I'm very young. So we would do the same thing, but we wouldn't do it that much. We would send it to a buddy over here or down the street. Oh, I ordered everything on that. Yeah, everything. I ordered the Oh, I ordered everything on that. Yeah, everything. I ordered the thing, I wanted a little trophy. When I first came from Cuba, I couldn't wait to get a trophy. You just, just a trophy?

I just wanted a trophy. Sometimes you just want a trophy. Sometimes you want a kickcat. I just wanted a trophy. Show me, what kind of trophy do you want? So I just want a trophy. Anything. So Joe Weeda had to sting the muscle.

I remember Joe Weeda, yeah. There was a guy at the beach, a chick with a skinny guy at the beach. The muscle guy comes over and kicks sand in his face. It was like a cartoon. And then you sent $1.99 to Joe Weeda. And he sent you back training tips. And I'm trophy that you were a weightlifter. And you have to do the pushups,

and then you came back a week later and beat the guy up the tech and your chick when you had muscles. What a marketing scale. Oh, they are. Jesus Christ, this is hilarious. Like I had a little trophies from Joe Weeda. I know, that's when you had an order.

Whoopie cultured. Right. X-ray glasses. So they show you X-ray glasses that be a girl or the bikini and you with X-ray glasses on like this with your mouth open, those X-ray glasses didn't talk to the board, you got beat, Jack. Right.

You be like, then they had Spanish fly. And I remember that the first time me and my buddies bought Spanish fly, I was like, who are we gonna give it to? And we gave it to one of my friends, grandmother. We all went over there and watched fucking Donnie and Marie and we just stayed at the grandmother for like two hours This is the huge scratcher pussy anything give us a sign that you only grandma Grandma didn't do shit

So we never See was you guys were ready. Oh, yeah, we were like a great I'm never forget the kid giving up his mother He's like fuck let's use number mother. I Don't want to say his name because people I hate them, but I still remember going to his house Watching the Donnie and Marie for family. Oh, grandma Is she scratching the pussy yet like is she fingering herself, we're all like, she's just gonna do that in the living room. Like, he's such a fucking idiot when you're a kid. Yeah, you're all right.

Spanish flies and they make a woman go crazy. And that was the ad. Like, the ad was a girl in a bar, and then a girl passed out like Cosby's, and you're fucking, that was the, Lee, that was the ad in the late 60s, 70s. You meeting a girl in a bar like with a martini glass, and the next minute you're both in bed like Giglin,

like making love, that was the after Spanish fly. So guaranteed women will get loose. Yeah, but then you're not supposed to give it to the grandma. But that was hard. We weren't the kid. Before we gave it to girls, the seventh grade. She was a tester. Before we gave it to girls in the seventh grade seventh grade

We wanted to test it like we got in the mail on a Friday and we couldn't wait We couldn't fuck them wait to test on somebody. So this kid volunteers grandma She's gonna be over there my mom's gonna be out playing cards if she dies who gives a fuck and we I never forget he gave grandma like two capsules And put him in like water Grandma you want some warm milk bless your heart was sitting there all night fucking howling Waiting for grandma to start finger banging itself that night We left the press this

We were bunch of perverted kids and there was a time you bought a porno. You could order pornoes and it came with a fucking projector. It came with equipment. Super rate projector. So it was a super rate projector and a point and two homemade pornoes. And you had to send the money order. So you had to walk up to the fucking Chinese store or the post office. Get the money order.

You couldn't go to your mother and get a check. In those days, it wasn't like now that they could deposit a check. You had to wait 22 days for a check to clear in the fucking 60s and 70s. It was a nightmare. So we had to get the money order. And I still remember waiting six weeks for the fucking camera to come, and it came in a box and you plugged it in. And it was very frail and it just had two things and it was super rate.

So it had two reels and you connected this one to this one, you passed play. And wow until you know, we just go to 10, 9, 8, 7, 6. And it worked? Yeah, and it would go down to like an awesome, like a fucking chick that was beat up would come up and she was sucking some guys dick that was huge and they were disgusting pornography. It wasn't nothing like what you see today. The chick didn't know she was being taped, you know, most of the times there were rapes that were being filmed.

And he's are being mailed to people? Look at that. There was no legislation. There was nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody. See, fuck. It was like a porn magazine. Like people. Yeah, that was no legislation. Yeah, nobody, nobody, nobody. Yeah, fuck. Was this like a porn magazine? Like they wouldn't have this at least.

That's like, it would be like a cheap porn magazine. There was a Puerto Rican porn magazine called Peacup Peacup. It was, it was naked women with their faces covered. Why do I want to see that? Right. Like this guy was tricking chicks. Like he would take a home and take their pictures and put like black over their eyes.

And they would show you that pussy. Like they had that magazine. I forgot what magazine we got it from. But I remember it was like five of us that chipped in. And we all went up to my attic and we fucking put curtains on the wall, like a sheet. And we made sandwiches.

Sandwich. And we thought we were about to see like this fucking, you know, like fucking, the fire faucet, that fucked. It was some chick with flat titties, I'd been shot, you know, some black guy with a big, big dick, the kid, I mean, one of the kids, you know,

and I, in the bed, I said, I wanted a kid to start crying. He was like 12, like we were like 14, 13, and we're watching this big black dick, fucking a white chick like we never saw that before. Everybody went home. Like when I turn it off, turn it off, it's all over. Like nobody wanted to have sex no more.

That's bad for us. That's how bad porn was. Yeah. You could buy anything in the fucking mail. And he said, rather than a fucking magazine, the best was getting magazines and sending them to people's houses. You mean for like just like the CD or like a set. You're all on the set.

I go to the office. Get a hot stuff. You go to the magazine. People magazine, they're being thin. Fill it out. Send it in. We'll send you 10 copies. I fill out sent to Lisa at time. For a year, any more time I went to an office,

never sent my Santa Lisa and I'd wait for him to say one night. I don't know what's going on. I keep getting these magazines out to my house and I would die a laughter. I would do that to people constantly. If I wanted to fuck with you, I'd send you cabs. Like at two in the morning. Oh, that was a cab driver, I would rent the doorbell. That's my car. And then they're expecting the fare and everything. I'd send you caps like at two in the morning

And then they're expecting the fair and everything my grandma's death, please ring the doorbell This bitch was fine to the bone and stinky my friends think used to give them a look stick for it So now would double dating during what six months? He gave it to like over four four years, everyone's so awesome. And the winter. Tasia took Glenn to the other room. I got trenches in the other room. Now she's playing Catholic girl. She's starting to cry. I don't know what it hurts.

Don't put it too close to my pussy. I got a half gram of my pocket. I don't need this activation. You know what I'm saying? So it's six of them when I go listen. Get your life together. We'll go through some holy water. And it's like it never happened.

I was a gentleman. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, could never happen. I was a gentleman And I Got a half a year in my pocket. This will get me home and I walked on Guys, it says I walked into the door. I was living the phone man And she goes I thought about it. Let's do it Like all right, and she picked me up seven in the morning back to house. I gave her a stab and there was blood There was tears. There was a lot of rubbed back He got a rubbed in back. Oh, it's gonna say who's back. I got a rubbed back

She was a hungry. I'm gonna go to the fridge and I'm gonna go the hell the way but oh Healthy guilty. Let's start this fucking thing Yeah, and guess what like a week later saw her, she was very cold to me. Then we had a couple of like weird discussions. I was totally in love with her. I was in love with her for reals. I would have gotten married at that age. Like that's how in love with her I was.

But after those two weeks I was like, you know what son of me right here? This is some beyond my control. And I was a criminal. I was like, you know what son may write here. This is some beyond my control and I was a criminal. I was a criminal. I had no future and I didn't have, I couldn't see there was no future. Oh my god, there was just no future. So I kind of walked away from a little bit. I went to Colorado.

I heard she was dating some other guy, even pills and party and shit. Good friend of mine, I never had an elder to the guy. Never even mentioned to him. That was me and her, we're long gone. And then I went back to New York one day and I went to a coke deal this house. And there she was, looking beautiful. She said, oh, we talked a little bit. And she said, let's stay in touch.

I between you and I in my mind, the Cooper flown already. It wasn't that I wanted a fucker. I really liked that. I grew up with her. I've been around the film last, you know, 1978. I'd been around this girl. But something wasn't right, you know, six months later I called her because she was a travel agent. And it has to she get me and my buddy stinky plain tickets to Hawaii.

And she goes, call me tomorrow. I'll give you a quote. And when I call the next day, she goes, I got to be honest with you. I rather you never call me again. Really? Yeah, just like that. Okay. K Sarasarati, age 21, I got one of my biggest lessons of luck. Fuck them, send them roses and move the fuck on bitch. Greetings from podcastville. It's a pleasure to be here on the anniversary of your,

it would that be your inaugural incarceration? inaugural. Yeah. That's the first one. It is a pleasure to be here on that anniversary. Very much. That it was Monday morning and that Friday and 430 they called. So that's what I wanted to ask you. Did you know you were going or did you get caught in something and taken right? No, I knew.

You were going to court that day. I knew that I knew there was a good chance of me going to prison, but I didn't know for sure till that Friday. And what for was this one for? This was for the kid that day. This was kidnap. They called and they said the attorney goes, he said, now, he goes to the department

of whatever turns you down, community corrections. They turn you down. So you got two options. You look at that prison, or you look at me putting you into a work release program, but if community corrections turns you down, you can't stay in the community. So he goes, right now you're looking at a 10%, 90%,

whatever you do this week, and have a good weekend. Oh, shit. You're walking on the court Monday at night. Right there, I sat, I got a little crushed. I took the chicken, I was cooking out. I like that little grease on the side where you put your Italian bread in. I ate it and I go fucking. If this is my last week and I might as well make it a good one, I didn't cry, I didn't freak out. I knew this day was coming. When was the question? So right there I go I'm not gonna go to jail. I'm gonna talk to this judge out of it

Like that's how cocaine I'm gonna go tell this judge with time with this Second Right a speech or nothing. I was just gonna go on there telling what was going on here on a right right a speech or nothing I was just gonna go on there telling one was going on here He was selling drugs me and my friends were taking the drugs off the street. Why come from that's a super hero Okay, so knock it off with the jail time here. This is a conversation amongst men the cocaine's off the street

You know what I'm saying everybody's alive. Let's let's wrap this're well. Why are we gonna pay the tax fucker pays? Why are we gonna burn the tax pay That I went in that cocaine told you to say that was the cocaine and all we can learn you should have heard me I was like fucking Trump without the trailer Teleprompters I was fucking practicing and like telling them like this what went down your own and it no big deal the saying and like, down them like, this is what went down you're on and it no big deal. You're a big deal. I'm going to be just.

And I never forget walking in there on Monday and he looked me up up and down. And my attorney saying, you have, uh, you like to address the speech, you like to address the court and I took two steps forward. And as I went to speak, my voice disappeared. I said, like a little fucking mousey-fag. I was like, you're all right, just watching it now that, and it just broke and broke and broke.

Like, he was, he looked like a little fiddle castro, a compact head. He had a tiny little head, but it was all bad. He looked like a baby gorilla. All you could see were lips and two little wider Italian eyes. He told me to step back. Like I had broken apart. Like I just fell apart. Like I'm not ashamed to say it. Whatever speech, whatever I have been doing on playgrounds and parks and the speech, whatever I have been doing on playgrounds and parks and valleys for 20 years, he scared the fuck out of me like my brother. I've never seen this all much, okay? And I don't know if it's the shrews or the fact that he hit his head so God damn hard on

this thing, but I don't know what to do. And I look up at her and she's, you know, she's like, oh my God, it's coming from me next. Do you know that mindset? We're like, oh, and I just start smacking them as hard as I can in the fucking face. I'm smacking the shit out of them. Pink Floyd, the pigs are fucking going. Oh, I just lost my headphones.

Sorry. And they're banging and banging and banging. And he's having a seizure. And then finally he snaps out of it. Everybody's like, holy shit, I'm like dude, are you all right? He's like, did I just pass out? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I go, how long do you think you were out? He's like, I don't know. I felt like, dude, are you all right? He's like, did I just pass out? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I go, how long do you think you were out?

He's like, I don't know. I felt like three, three minutes. He's like, I was like, you're out for about 15 seconds. I was like, dude, but you had a fucking seizure. You bleed. He's like, I'm not bleeding. I'm like, are you all right? He's like, yeah.

Look over her. They're out. They're gone. We never saw them again. We go back to fucking Pink Floyd. And he's fine the rest of the night. We meet these weak people. Ha ha ha. I went to a million concerts with everything but heroin balls and nobody ever fucking

paid to have a beer. Never. No. It's that happened in my name but you have to move the next day. You have to pick up a move like that. At the fucking lead to a concert I gave a couple of mushrooms. Fucking out of mushrooms. And I got a sweet, I used to fucking take straight up ass and go to those gardener concerts.

How the hell you did that shit? I took acid stones. I took acid to Ted Nugent, NACDC. I took acid, I didn't take acid to black sat, but that was too young. But I took acid to all those. You ever smoke weed dipped in PCP, shur, what a shur, or... No, well this is what I was getting to.

Okay. That, all right, so I'm... 16. I'm laughing at age. 15 to 16. I'm going to that transition and I'm doing micro dot acid and I'm doing Mike with that acid That's what it was called it wasn't really that was as little like one hit tab

I mean tiny you would lose it you had you had a rapid and aluminum foil To see them and you had to take it out of the aluminum foil and a fifth on the floor you would done Sometimes it was purple sometimes it was pink sometimes it was brown But it was a size of a miliscue. That was the most popular asset. It was 50-50, it was basically rat poison. You did it, it was strict nine days. You'd be grinding your teeth, looking around. Tremendous, but you went for fucking eight to twelve hours. That's a long, that's a commit hard huh. Yeah. You know, now you're like, oh, thank

God that's gone. I'm anxiety. I said that I give you another bounty, do another bond and wake it up. And then you said the sunset. And you're like, oh, thank God I can go home now. You go home and you drink milk and you go up to your room, you lay down, awesome, the posters start moving again. It was that type of shit. Like it just did not go away. And then, uh...

See, all this is not a sales point to me. I'll come outside. This is what everyone's ever told me though. It was great, it was just great. They made it great. The one I did to the stones, honestly, that was the first time I had that drug. And I wrote about this.

It was like a three day recovery. Like with three days. I just absolutely like that. All the whistles and electronic shots. I went through my spine. Like, and I was just a young kid. And I was like, I think I got to stop this shit. Like I really do.

Like I had only done it once, but then it was just too much fun. It was the drug of the era. It was the drug of the... Like how many, I wanna tell you, you know the Karlin bit where he talks about acid, right? It's like self-regulating. At some point it'll say, stop.

You know, just like, you were done. No, so. But how many hits would you say you've had? So then let's just say that, what's just do it by freshman year? Jesus, freshman year was when we really started cooking with gas with the ass. That's three a week. We would, we would three a week. And then something new came along.

People were saying you got a snort this shit. Now I had always made a promise to myself that I would never snort nothing. But they were like, it's just T-8C stems. It stems and people boil them. And they shut the thing off. And the white bow that sticks on the side, they scrape that off. And that's what you snort. It's harmless.

And I thought, I had like this, I had 18 friends, but there was always four that were like kind of smart. And never the ones I got want to do it. I'm like, you know, so after weeks of trial, I said, let me do a line that THC crystal. The key, like that key if it's on, like the crystals on the weed. It was white. And you're snore, I've never heard this one. This is brand new to me, right? It's not, it's not, it's not.

And we would do it. First I did it and then I gave it a break. I went back to acid. But what kind of high is it? Like what do you feel? Like fucking gumbee. And fucking like you're about, like everything is just fucking flash them at you Is it a different high than at the trip? It is eventually I

Can't doing it and doing it so I got to the point where my mother would go to a track on Sunday So I knew she was gonna be on all day. I mean this could call those Perez by a ten dollar package of it And we need to get the six pack of lone brow. I remember lone brow to lion. Is that like a lion? Yeah, tonight is kind of special. Yeah. Must say something more, but I'll tonight let it be lone brow. Sponsor the church, Lowembrow. Lowembrow, so fucked, and we would get Lowembrow's and get fucked up and then go on journeys.

We just walk and talk shit. When I get old, I wanna be a doctor, I wanna, you know, and we'd just be like, cars are almost in this. Like, beep, what the fuck, the way that type of shit, like, we would be fucked up. And then I found out it was actually Angel Dust. He's a fucking shit. I said I was never fucking fucking fucking fucking shit.

Somebody told me. I'm alive, I'm boiling some stuff. Yeah, I didn't know it was a fucking shit. So that's Angel Dust. He's an angel. That's just like the real abysmal shit. Yeah, he is. He is. He's a lot of stuff. You're really busy. Yeah, and we're twinkly And they turn them into a powder and you fucking snort And then I found it

I was like I And I didn't want to fucking know So we used to play either or we used to play games either or either we do acid or we do TAC. I'll TAC crystal check on it. So that's what it was called until one day somebody said stupid wake up. You're snorting down and tranquilizes.

And how long had you been doing it? Would you say before you actually found out what everybody would have? About three and a half months. And I remember sitting there going, they surprised me. You get fucked up. You know what?

Can you explain this? You're like, all right. I'm so awkward for it. I've been over here. I would have been over here snorting with you. I'd have been like, he's a teenager. He's a space set. Who said the drug dealer said that?

I mean, it was eight hours. I remember one time I smoked it with a pregnant chick. What? I was a baby boy. In 1983, they would sell it in Harlem and you could smoke it. And it was called the tray. It was $3.

It was a tray. And it was basically enough power to the sprinkle a joint with. And you could smoke it. That was, that was it'd be December, January, February of 84. No, no, no, of 83. Maybe December of 82. It was cold out. And I remember getting high with her maybe 10, 30 in the morning and taking a being on a bus at nine o'clock. I can't leave a little drop of me off on the corner and crossing the street to the bar going wow thank god I finally got it together.

Like I walked in and I was still a little gumbee dust because then it was just called gumbee dust. It was like animal tranquilized. Yeah, so I wanted to tear that shit Me and my buddies were tearing that stuff up. That's why today like I said before I don't know what they are gonna go on stage shit in my hand and Take it out and throw it at the audience because one of these days one of these cylinders is going to snap Yeah, and the real Joey Diaz is going to come out the men's is definitely my future Especially if we did these this shit at the age of 13th. Yeah, it's early. That's hard stuff early too early I I party so My freshman going into sophomore year

Like I put in a the hospital that's a Because I had a lung infection And they threw me out on September 28th 1979 And I got out of the hospital 11 o'clock at 8 o'clock that night. I was smoking dope and doing acid Jesus Christ It's like my homie. I'll eat for somebody I still have more corn I'm on. My brother's ex-wife's house is on that corner. I know what house we sound the steps. And I kept doing that powder and I kept snorting that shit.

And then one day I walked into the basement. And my mom had these friends that she would hold shit for downstairs But it was always weed bales of weed like the coffee bean in bales And I would take a little off the top and I would spray it with water To maintain the way like the holes in Well, about to the water in the middle so it's stay heavy So when they put on the scale I was a fucking genius man. Oh that's great and I fucking but one time I went down and it wasn't weed it was coke

couple of bells of coke so I don't know if the bells and fucking take a gram I wouldn't do I would give it to a buddy of mine that was was a real cool dude. And he would say, wait, you got that shit. Oh my god, I saw Chinese people. You know, it was, it was real cocaine. This shit. And everyone's so well, it's great. A little take it and give it to him. This one on from by the month or two, then the guy became a cop. So now I owned. Yeah. You know, I knew he you was gonna do something with his life And he became a cop boom now I owned them, but that's not the point of the story I held on to that one one dad took it and I would surprise him like in 1979 when somebody would surprise you with cocaine

You pretty much sucked his day 1979 walking into a room with cocaine cocaine, you pretty much sucked this day. In 1979, walking into a room with cocaine, those two chicks were not sucky at dick. They knew, forget Harvey Weinstein, you'd make Harvey Weinstein look like a fucking gay guy. That's how strong the power of cocaine was. Guys like me get laid, women were doing disgusting things. It was a different level of disgust because it met you had power. It was like this social.

If you came out of a bathroom and you went the whole bar of a look at you and come off and rub your shoulders. How is it? It's semi-intense, you know. That's what was going on, I see you up 54. This cocaine freedom makes me, you know, so that shit sold it, made white people go crazy. But at the same time, I had done it. I held down to that little package, then the night before some cats caught me up and they were like, we're playing hook at him tomorrow. So I said, fuck, let me bring the package and see if one of them, but these guys are too straight. There was like eight of us, but one of the other dudes was a genius.

And him and I used to do fucking that angel thus shit at school from time to time. And one day I gave him a line. He thought it was coke. I gave him a line of that shit and he had a rest on match High school rest of my mind. Yeah, and he was on the bottom and he made a move and he bit the guy I got to qualify Some people like why would you bite the guy fucking cocoa gave me fucking TAC crystal I think it's gonna get me up and shit. That's what we all called it So to avoid the pain of what it really. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means.

I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means.

I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means.

I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what it means. I think that's what they call PCP Paul Chuck Paul and they would They was popular for a low-out adip this shit in PCP these joints and I thought it was a myth at first I was like I had to unhappn because you hear shit on like Oprah people doing it dipping their cigarettes and cooking their babies and shit like insane stuff that these suffocating kids and freezers like and They decided to smoke it in front of me and

you know I tell that story but the thing was I thought it was a one and done thing for them you know what I mean like I knew they had done it but it's like the summer 94 I'm fresh off the Pink Floyd concert I go back to Maryland for the summer before between college. And I'm seeing this girl at the time. And we're going to Lala Pluza. Now originally Nirvana was going to headline, I'm almost positive it's 94. And then Cobain died. So he brought the smashing pumpkins in to fill that space. And it was a great, it was like Tribe Called Quest. I think the Beastie boys were there. F** Fucking P Funk was there. The smashing pumpkins, like it was a good one.

And they're smoking a joint. And I don't think anything up. I just think it's a joint. And the girl I'm seeing at the time goes over to take a hit, you know, she smokes weed. And she comes back and she's like, that tasted really weird. And I was like, you motherfucker. And I went over to my brother. I'm like, she smokes weed. And she comes back and she's like, that tasted really weird. And I was like, you motherfucker.

And I went over to my brother. I'm like, is that fucking weeders? That that shit you were smoking? And they, no, it's just the fuck. I go, what do you fucking, you can't just let, you got to tell somebody that. Well, we thought she knew, I'm like, why would anyone assume that you're smoking PCP

laced weed over here? Why would that be your immediate, it probably should be the way you treat life But why would anyone assume that anyway? They make the best top shelf margarita in the country at the time for 450 red rob my credit Margarita margarita margarita red rob and red rob and red rob every go to red rob and every night Do two margaritas to two top shelves, do two bumps, and fuck it from there. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it.

You know what I'm saying? I would have a little car salesman, he'd drive me home, he'd kept asking me, you know I'm no more coconut, I did it all. I had a grandma pocket, I'd go home and fucking bang out, bro. And then I got promoted now, I'm thinking about the salesmanship. The guy told me what they're making over there. And there was a lot more than when I was making. I'm like, should I go with it and sell fucking cause. I don't know about cars. And he's the same ones. The Acres, the Subaru's, the Mitsubishi.

This is Supers. Okay. So these guys back then they had to what the brat, they were the one with the seats in the back. Remember those suicides? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not the brat. He's not the brat. He's not the bunch of great guys back then. So I'm gonna be this real decisive mode. But what happened was there was a crew of detailists

and this just happens to me on all places. What happened was I started out working them. I started out to figure out the system. The system was to do two new cars a day and three use cars. That's where your money's at. The two new cars with easy money. You just ripped the paper off. You got to put a certain chemical on them to take the cosmo lean off. You put the rims on, you armor all the inside, you put the rims on your armor all the inside you put the mats down You wash the car and you dry it. That's it. It's no big deal nobody's ever sat in the car You just put the hub caps on put the fucking mats in you know a couple things you gotta adjust

Set the stations whatever the fuck they want you take it to the thing I could do two of those in an hour So I would make two fucking runs and they never heard of that I'm like why go make runs and pick them up. Let's get to done and I did two new cars by eleven And then I jump on three use cars. I was making some good fucking money, but they started fucking with me You know, they wouldn't give me a bay. They would go, oh, if you could park two cars out there, we could put two cars in here. So it was like really four against three and the supervisor liked them.

So I'm like, this supervisor really wants to fuck with me. And then like a week after that one day because I'm gonna fucking right up in subordination, something crazy. Cause I told them, I'll do the car outside. No big deal. You can't do it outside. I go relax watch your fucking tone and But the manager was from New York and the manager knew I was little fucked up and the owner was a great white dude You know those white dudes that drink whiskey and they don't want to watch porn

But they appreciate a good sense of humor like you can tell that the dude was uptight and shit. Yeah, he was just a great white dude, but he liked me because I fucking made money and I hustle my asshole. You know, I was getting in there with him in six in the morning. You weren't supposed to be that delayed. If I started Coke, though, five, what's the difference? I'm gonna do it. Yeah, sit here and look out the window by myself. I'm gonna go pick up a piece of fucking 30, 40 dollars at a time. That was my mentality. So they started picking on me.

They started fucking with me, like, that you really are gonna fuck with me. And at that time, I had the whole body shop wide. I knew what I get weed, I knew what I get coke. I knew who was selling this, who was selling that. There was a creepy dude who installed stereos there. Creepy as fuck In what way what was every day man? I went to this strip club last night. I met this girl Melinda a working name was gunner

You know, he's really creeped like fake real name like just a creepy strip club guy He knew all the strip clubs when people would talk about strip clubs, he come out and give you cards for VIP of this one. He was friends with the band DeReno, the band DeRero's bike gang. I got reefer from him. I got Coke from him. He sold the bunch of shit, but he had everything a guy that was trying to prove something. He had tinted windows, allowed stereo, tattoos, leather jacket, a motorcycle, a pit bull. Anything that a guy needs to get a tenture. Yeah, he was just, but he was like a half a retard.

But I kinda liked him, his drugs were good. You know, he's told me about dirty pussy, how he were fangirly strippers, and he would fuck on them and all this shit So it's freaking a drugs. Can we smoke torn? So One day this dude Dirk

Get into my face About some shit I've told this story before but I don't think I told you Ryan sickle. I want to hear it. I'm fucking not trying to. I'm 24. Fresh out of fucking Jersey. I just slept in benches. I just went through that whole fucking homeless thing. You know. Now I'm living in Boulder, but I'm keeping a lid on it. I got a girlfriend. I have to go to a family's house every Sunday to eat. They're very nice people. They're from Buffalo. They're from Buffalo, New York. They're very nice people. I appreciate them. So I got to act like a fucking man and these people get in my faces. So there was particularly two white dudes, both from Minneapolis, Minnesota, that would fuck with me. And they would beat me because they had the fucking the supervisor in that corner. So one day I see the supervisor walking in

and I don't know what he took his jacket off and he hung it up and I don't know what made me do this but this is the mind and joey dears you know the dude thought he got over on me but I'm gonna show him I'm gonna get over on him I just didn't know how and all of a sudden the good lord does something he does every fucking day. He kills a mouse. I turn around and there's a dead mouse four foot maybe three inches long. I see that everybody's washing cars. I go, what can I do with this mouse? I got a paper towel. I pick it up by the tail and I put it in the guy's pocket. The supervisor's pocket. I put it in this pocket. I get high. I keep working on cars. I forget about the whole thing.

The next morning I'm in there six o'clock buzz not a car and you hear a car coming like He gets out of the car and he goes what the fuck shot it down Shot it down. I just got into a major car accident He goes I reached in my pocket for cigarettes and somebody put a mouse in there By the end of the day I'm gonna find out who it is. I have an idea who it is and I'm fucking You know me dog. I'm like, I hope you find the But that motherfucker knew with me or some other guy his car was all crashed up fuck them fuck them

So right dad knew it was time for me to go So about April 15th I tell the fucking I tell the fucking the fucking card the dealership the I caught them a deal I Tell the detail guys that I'm gonna go sell cars for one day and try it. And after one day, I'll know if I like it or not. And they said, okay, when do you want to do this? Like on Monday. So I put together what I had as a suit at that time and I went there Monday. They told me to be that eight to learn about some cars. And they gave me

to this guy named Jimmy Wheeler God rest his soul. I still took a son. I still talked with son on face. That's amazing. The you remember the Cody Wheeler. I remember this guy's name because he was the first guy that made me feel like family without being at home He was what one of those guys. He was willing to take a bullet for you. Mm-hmm. And again God put this guy in my life And on the first day he just dug me. We're a big time Bruce Lee fans. That's why I brought you the shirt Thank you for that shirt and he had the towel a G Kundal signed by Bruce Lee nobody had that at the time And he was from Detroit. He just impressed a shit out of me and he gave me a shirt once Detroit the murder capital of the United States of America. It was my favorite shirt. I wore it all summer long

People said me why do you wear that shirt? It's disgusting. I fucking love Detroit. I want to go to fucking Detroit Like I'm ready for Detroit. Fuck these pussy's like that's how crazy I fucking love Detroit. I want to go to fucking Detroit like I'm ready for Detroit Fuck these pussy's like that's how crazy I was at the time and That first day with Jim Wheeler and the selling three cars making a thousand bucks on paper and like 200 and spips cash At seven o'clock I called the body shop and told him to suck my dick. I'll never wash the car again I went to my mother-in-law. God bless her soul my ex mother-in-law. Oh, I love daily at the time and she let me her Made D&F card and she let me charge five on all this I bought three suits

shirt spans and and she let me charge five on all this, I bought three suits, shirts, pants, and I was all in, guys. You were selling cars in Denver? Well, not Denver. Well, what were in the first month I ended up selling 14 cars. Damn. I was just saying,

That's every other day, damn near. I was a salesman of the month. I think I came in second. Did you get a special spot and all that shit? Yeah, like I got a demo for free. You had to sell 12 cars to get your car for free. Well, you had to pay 300 a month. So that was the magic number 12. You get your demo and then dad weird bonuses like once you sell 10 cars, your bonus goes from 20 to 30%. 11 cars, 35%. 12 cars 40 percent

15 cars 40 percent plus a 500-dollar cash bonus They worked it plus every new Subaru you called every new Subaru you sold you ripped a thing And you looked at it and they would even give you money or you spun the wheel you called Subaru and and they'd tell you, you won $350 and you'll get your check in the mail. ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo you you