Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The CHURCH: BEST of THEO VON, Vol. 2 | with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

339 - Recorded live on 12/10/2015. https://youtube.com/live/Y4HF8ehmePU #383 - Recorded live on 05/25/2016. https://youtu.be/ho3WFBqJSe4 #443 - Recorded live on 01/02/2017. https://youtu.be/XNRYlW-JvMw #499 - Recorded live on 07/17/2017. https://youtu.be/PxCssAVJjpU #529 - Recorded live on 10/29/2017. https://youtu.be/-pqm56Y85AQ This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch #TheoVon #LeeSyatt 

Music I Like I would imagine well, I'm surprised you're not like Ben like Ben Yees Are you serious? If I lived in New Orleans that had Ben Yees and strip all boys? I'm fucking Ben Yees. I've never even had one but I just see it and it just looks He used to be a place in Boulder baby formula two actually on there Baby formula you see a there. Baby formula. You see a lot of the sisters drinking baby formula outside of the French Quarter. Yeah.

I don't know if you have your nails. In a bottle? What do they do? In a bottle? No, no, just the can, right? If I can, it just can't enough. I know. I know.

It's true, a couple of sisters out there can't enough. It's, you know, it weird you're talking about this. Because I think that my best eating period, you start off skinny. You work out in high school, you play football. I had a friend that used to eat a box of fucking cereal for breakfast and then the man's cake. How the fuck they're in the gallon of milk? They were able to fuck the milkers with the cereal. Was he driving truck?

That's insane. He was in high school. He'd be in the weights. And then, you know, I was eating too. I had a great appetite. The night I moved to Colorado and they took away the night eating. There's no more drinking and going to eat when I was used to eating. Right.

It was an open steak sandwich at two in the morning with a full of a turkey soup and not even brushing your teeth shit just going to bed with dirty teeth so that's how I do yeah fucked up so that's yeah that's where I'm from and a place you get about with dirty teeth dirty teeth and you know you don't I don't eat here at night I go home if I'm really high I'll eat whatever my wife cooked, which is controlled, it's like a chicken collet. You know what I'm saying? Like there's not like 20 chicken collets.

Well there's 20 chicken collets, you can fuck shit up. So don't be like one leftover chicken collet. I'll eat a chicken collet, you know what I'm saying? Just to... I've been lucky all week, my mom has been here for almost a week. And I haven't eaten this good in four years. She's cooked breakfast.

She hasn't been sleeping all the late. A couple days she made breakfast, but it's been like, she made brisket, she made a couple kinds of different kinds of chicken. And just, I like all that. Stacked all my entire fridge is full now. I like peach cobbler. She made icebox cake.

Have you ever had that? All you do is you take a layer of graham crackers and you have to get the the cook and serve pudding, not like putting cups, but you have to cook pudding. And you just do layers of pudding and graham cracker you put in the fridge and let freeze up and then put some whipped cream on it. Mm-hmm. Listen, if I went to a concert, the whole night with this hamster my But when you leave when you leave cocoa when you leave the place that's when we get you, bro You get it there. Hey people leave and all next to his pills. They're all Molly You leave you get that fucking hands. You get that warm little piece of God in the hands. They buy it every time

I was on the Rogan podcast and I told the truth. My main athlete trait, if anybody ever fucks with you, come to me. To hold saying nothing to all of you, come to me. And you go, this guy fucked with me. And this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this is the way. And I'll ask you a bunch of questions. And we'll lay a road plan for you to torture this guy,

bit slap him, shoot him, just fuck with him. Like, this house on fire, you know, fuck me. Steal his mail, whatever the fuck. And I first, like I was, when I was a kid, I really was the, like if you fucked a man, just wait and rob you house.

I just rob your fucking house. That's it. Like you get your house robbed. That's it. And I'm taking the most important thing for you in that fucking house. If you, I would steal a ball cash jewelry. But if I knew they love their sneakers,

I'm taking the sneakers too. So when you see them, they're like, man, somebody busts into my house and took my sneakers. They took my mother's jewelry. She's just getting a spillage, bro. Everything, and I knew I would get them. I'm a professional torture. And when I got the boulder in 87,

I got the boulder in December of 2006. Yeah, I was running from cops and drug dealers. I only like 60,000 in cash. So you went to Boulder? I was an Aspen. I was an Aspen fucking causing damage. And 86, please, please, you have no idea though. I was an international.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? So I'm up an Aspen, I fuck up. And the girl I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? job the week before fucking Denver gets beat up by the giant in the soup. Like that fucking Thursday I started the job. And uh, Lee's fucking, Lee's on the griddle over here.

I fucked up. Hang in there. He's in the devil's in a second. I love it. We'll cut his short and then we'll do a, we'll do a periscope with the lights off. It's black Sabbath. We sold ourselves a rock and roll and we'll lock the door and make bets to see I only take before Lee comes to shoot not the window. We locked a thick we locked this This big girl in our town. We like this big girl one time we eat some acid and we locked this big girl into a room at this party And we got going in there with fucking pots of fucking warm water fucking pouring it on our feel bad. I feel horrible dude

I didn't look we were kids and we're on acid, dude. And then, bro. You can't tell me this, though. I'm straight. You gotta tell me I'm mushrooming you. Do I just remember? I told you. I just remembered it. I told you.

Probably 16. That's terrible. And here's the thing. Let's say I was 14. That way it makes it sound not as bad. But look, she ate acid with us, bro. She ate acid with us, dude, and what happened was, and we kept going in the room with these pots of warm,

I don't know why we had the pots of warm water, because I think we just were fucked up, dude. And we were like, poor little honor. But not like Torch, he was in an cage or nothing. He was just free range in this room, right? I think she was scared to come out. And one time we went in, bro, we heard this loud sound and we went in.

And she, she had ran against one of the walls so hard and fucking moved to the entire wall in this house, dude. Huge girl, about 240 pounds. Beautiful girl, too. The most beautiful biggest girl that I've ever known. Beautiful girl. Beautiful hair, beautiful face, large, just large and beautiful. But she fucking got lifted bro. And yeah man fuck. I just came down a little bit off that fuck I just had a little mushroom fucking Yeah, so I get you're talking about you're a bolder job. I'm bolder. Oh, yeah, I'm making dicker wages

And they put me as a shagger. It's a body shop combination detail shop And they made me a shagger which means I cleaned bathrooms, I'd take garbage out, I'd pick up customers, you know, and it was one 75 a week for like 90 fucking hours. Like I was the first one there. I had to be there at seven to open that 830 or 8th. I had to be there at seven to fucking sweep and shut them down. For one 75 a week. I fucking clean off all the cars Start them all up warm them bring them into the body shop according to order numbers I did the whole thing man, and I liked it listen

I was fucked up for a long time. This was a great little job for me You know what man once 75 for all these hours these motherfuckers are getting a little fat off me And I'm like fuck it. I want to go into detail shops I started petitioning to go into detail shop. I started petitioning and going to detail shop. I was a really good fucking shaggers. So they knew my work ethic. The guy was from fucking New York State, Steve something. There's so many fucking steves in my life.

And every time I look up his name and fucking Facebook, but he was good to me. Steve, in fact, Steve was the dude who introduced me to Steve and Tidwell, the dude who I kidnapped, can't vellowness. So, that's how I knew all these guys. So I petitioned Steve, I go Steve. That's it man. I'm a great shagger. I want the fucking job in the back.

You know, I'm second time to make a 175. Yeah. I want to make 200 bucks a fucking day like these fucking genuks. Yeah. So one of the guys heard me and he didn't like me His name was Dirk something And Dirk wasn't a tough guy, but he was one of these guys that would fight me to the end But and he had the body shop guys. He had the whatever guys the

Detailers they were on his side the details are kind of a little country, right? You know I knew like two of them that were really cool You know the two will come to you because they were above you. Yeah, and he was a supervisor I said, huh, I'm gonna get this motherfucker. I see a dead rat in a corner Oh, and I took it and I put in this jacket pocket. That's old school. I put in this jacket pocket The next morning this guy comes in with a death on his car and the jacket hold on to it. He drove home all night with the mouse in his pocket. And then the next morning, he fucking started his car,

reached in for a pack of cigarettes and this is fucking rat. And he crashed the car he fucking got That's what the dentist was for oh fuck yeah, yeah, I mean he fucked up the side of his car Until like trees that's not like that. Fuck them. You know me though. He loved this car He was all those dude. I love this car. He waxed it out and every day. And shit. I'm like get the fuck out of here I love this car, he waxes it out and every day, and shit, I'm like, get the fuck outta here. That's cool, Lee. Oh, it's a beautiful man. It's a bleed-to-deep plan.

Lee, do another start of Bounce-Jet. Yeah, you gotta fucking need that, bro. No, that's how you pH. You need to fucking, uh, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, you need to fucking, hit up the Mexican milk made, bro. Get it a spray in your mouth, a little, fucking Lee. Get your back, you gotta baby burge your little, get your back on the fucking lead get you back. You got a baby bird

You a little get your back on the bridge get your back on the bridge We is fucked up for you people are not watching this dude. I remember one time we this Fuck you. You got me out the death when you're on the meat of death. I'm on the meat of death. You said the death is always funny. Yes, I'm on the death. Yes, we did that. Joey's right, he died a million times.

He used to have a friend that he was describing. The girl I was dating to me it was a father and he goes thank god you got her off me he goes when she was a kid I used to call a dollar that you gotta see dollar that dollar that that's a great fucking name give me a dollar give me a dollar give me how many fucking dollars yeah how many fucking dollars do you $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00 Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1.00. Give me $1. Give me $1. big. We just did it. She just wanted it. She just got fucked up And she couldn't get out the room, you know, like I got fuck one of my best friends got fucked up one time And he started talking about Asian people. We never even seen any Asians in our life And he started knowing I guess maybe like in a past life he might have known some Asians You know, and so he starts bringing up their names, bro

And knowing them and knowing shit about them on this mattress in this house And I'm like fuck dude, you're fucked up, bro up brawn leaving right so apparently I'm the kind of friend that when your friend is at his worst you fucking leave because I was just talking about Chinese people yeah I've never met Chinese men we never known any the one is he saying he's just saying like hey you remember fucking like sin like you remember fucking son Lam Lambra he was after us you know and all this shit like son Lambra we don't know him dude you know he was fucking like talking about Dorothy Dorothy Dorothy you know we didn't know any Asians bro and I'm like I gotta get away from this came from when you were up

there was no Asians in that name but not when you were there now there's probably before yeah no we live in a small town, dude. I mean our population. We probably had about 2000 growing up Oh shit this one dude our merb was trying to be an Elvis and person. He said he was an Elvis impersonator, but he was just a fucking alcoholic You know what I'm saying like we don't need any Elvis, bro, you know, we got two thousand people We need fucking gas money and we need jobs. Yeah, we need ideas Give us some fucking I those fucking Elvis impersonators are paying the ass. They really are. Get a fucking light. I gotta tell you something. You know, I told Lee before when I first got into County when I got

seriously about in 94 there was a guy in Denver who you should go to the commie works. And I know he's had a couple look familiar. You know, when you look at somebody like, Hey, hey, it looks familiar. But who am I know his head cut look familiar You look when you look at somebody like that. It looks familiar. Oh my my cop pills You know be badass. I got meat bad. I got terrible habits. Who am I the fuck? I was somebody's head kind of And all of a sudden I got a call from the guy and he goes hey, I'm doing a gig Uh, you know talking those days a 50 bucks

You know, I'm like yeah, I'll be there now and I show up and he comes to the door and he's got away 350 and he's got the belt on the whole Elvis suit and You know, I mean the guy is that you know that was gonna be like that? No, yeah, I knew the whole time I was at home preparing for this shit. No, I walk in the fucking door. Hey, he is Bigger than life. I hate it. It's a project And he's like I'm the Elvis impersonator. Just do 10 minutes in front of me You know what I think I was supposed to get 50 bucks he gave me a yardstick Wow, and then he calls me three months later. He goes hey, I opened up a bar hilarious

So I get to this bar. It's Wednesday nights. He's the main act Uh-huh, and he brings up three comedians at the end. He sings all those Elvis songs. He's fucking horrible I mean, he's fucking horrible. He's smoking cigarettes. Oh, his teeth are green. Yeah, they're horror. He's boozing He's fucking fat. He had let himself go, but I don't think Elvis Like no voice, but you know what this guy did He was an Elvis impersonator in someone that was his clamped a fame. I mean, the whole inside of the club was Elvis themed, right? But it had a wall of write-ups about him, you know, all the awards he wanted, shit.

And he was a Vegas boy and he was no good. Maybe at some point, you know, at this point, and he, uh, he fucking bought his club, they bought him out in Vegas, like they bought him out because it's voice or something. I don't fucking know. And he went to Colorado and opened up a fucking little bar, like it wasn't even a bar guy. It was like an old, like, an old boutique that he turned into a bomb during the week and he's saying Elvis was a woman's closet hysterical hysterical but you know what man whatever the guy said he would always pay me pay me double wow he never tried to stick a finger on my ass he never did

drugs and nothing but he always bought me a drink he go take a drink you know don't I he was I'm not gonna give you two because I'm not gonna be responsible for you driving. Even if you have money, I don't want you to drink in here. Go drink next door. Yeah. But he was sounded like he liked me as a comic, and he always paid me, and he didn't blow smoke of mass, and not like he was gonna make a video

and take me to Vegas. Thinking back, and I forgot his name, and I'm really sorry. Good dude, because that's a terrible Elvis. Yeah. I want this Elvis fun. No, I think if Elvis came back to life he'd shoot half these Emperors like that's how for Elvis like that's a great movie Elvis comes back is

fucking back and killed all the first person is the let's hit all the bad ones that make it. Instead of ISIS coming in and shooting everybody it's a fat Elvis with a missing leg and he's the capitated neck and shit. He shoots people, he goes to the kitchen, he takes something, he leaves and shit. And the cops don't mess with him because it's Elvis. They don't listen to his words, bro. And he wasn't like he had no work.

They let him dress up like they dress him up like Santa around Christmas, let him wave with the trains and shit come in and it's like seasonal greed. And he'd always like, like you see him Christmas, let him wave with the trains and shit come in and tell you know like seasonal greed or you know and And he'd always like Like you see him and he'd be like, oh, you know, it's like fuck out of break. Yeah You're an alcohol. Yeah, you don't fucking Elvis impersonal You're not even in uniform. You're in an alley right now and his kids he made him be Pentecostal If four kids no mom, he made him be Pentecostal. He had four kids. No mom. He made him be Pentecostals. He kept them in the yard. What's not a costume? It just means they were

like big clothes and believing like God, like I think a lot, you know, but they wear like just huge clothes, like cheap clothes. Like they look like like the kids look like rodeo clowns, you know, like that is look, you know, like and the girl and me feel a breast actually one time through the bar. They bar bar fence around the house the girl let me feel some fucking titty uh-huh fucking uh what was her name? What's it? Barbara Barbara I think a suburb fucking boss yeah Barbara fucking brass right

let me feel that fucking hard nipple through some t- through some fucking bar bar right? Uh it is so you see fucking tuna and ice cream everyday vomit on the bus there It's a people fucking beat him up We'll eat the bomb will eat the tuna first of the ice cream. I don't know We showed up with both the Marty and him and people would fucking beat him It already be sick, dude. And the fucking dad, the dad made the kid a wooden shirt

one year for fucking Christmas, dude. Made him a fucking shirt out of wood. I'm coming up from church. It's Wednesday. And they garage wrap. That's what it got, dude. It was like cool, or was it just like a big box? He was horrible. I mean, at the time it was cool. You was like cool or was it just like a big box? He was horrible.

I mean, at the time it was cool. You know, at the time it was, I mean, it was kind of beautiful to kid like cry and shit when he put him in it. Even I could have been at home right now watching Empire jumping up and down with Black people. Yeah, fucking donuts and shit. And you're all being telling me this crazy shit. Who else eat a mushroom on a Wednesday?

I'm sitting here gonna love us, dude. What is wrong with me? I should know better, but I don't give a fuck anymore I guess I took to the point my life, or you know what? I Look at my draw and I got coiloods in there. I got fucking grenades I can baby passify I'm sorry. I gotta do all the shit that's in there. Baby pacifies. But that was a for you. Oh. You know, you look at all this mushrooms

and you go on the road and you're like, what the fuck? People actually do this shit every night. And I'm sitting, you know. Yeah, but my friends today were excited. Like you're going on fucking, you're going with mad flavor, dude. We're gonna tune in, you know?

I mean, so I think that that You know, we're getting a lift time to dream that other people don't get to live, you know when you're sitting at home and you know You probably sit next to your wife or your husband Or you know somebody you might not even fucking maybe you do love them still, but who knows you know You need a little fucking speed bump, you know But yeah, that dude made his son a wooden shirt and then some kids spray-painted schwa stick is on it, man Yeah, they spray-painted schwa stick is on the wood, but no, we didn't have any Jews either We didn't have anybody, you know people just seen like a schwa stick on like a pamphlet or something You know, but we didn't have any Jews it was you know, this local art and somebody fucking spray painted the One was the population. How many black people out of 2000?

You probably had our guess about 1100 brothers and they were gaining ground quick, dude. You could You fucking at night If you put your ear up to the woods, that's what they would say. No, no But it was like any Latinos in that no market at that time creeping in I'm the big kid. I won't have even gone for now one kid. I've been gone for From that town I've been gone for a left-air when I was probably Maybe 13 I've been gone. Yeah, I'm 36 now. Whatever that is 23 it's thanks late. That's a real Jew even with mushroom fucking

So he could be passed out who just pop his head 23 Go right back to sleep a little sleep after he's still giving estimates They have one Mexican kid his kid Nicholas man the raper he fucking spoke supposed to write rapper on his shirt Oh, yeah, it's a V-Raper Yeah, and it fucking wrote raper Nick spelled and that was the first Mexican we ever had Well, is it wasn't you dad Spanish? Oh, my dad was Nicaraghan of some Polish Nicaraghan I'm one of the few you know

There's probably 11 of us out there. I don't know what LSD suppository, some kind of suppository, dude, people were doing, yeah, it was like just, you know, putting these like little, they were kind of, I don't wanna say pink, they were kind of reddish looking little, fucking throwing rainbow treats up the ass, you know? It's not manly enough of its pink. I mean, it was, yeah,

and people was doing LSD, LSD, some passwords, this dude had about, I remember, he probably had about 400 of them. I don't know where he got them from, Germany or somewhere Iceland or something, you know, and people was doing LSD supplies. So it's just dude had about a, I remember, he probably had about 400 of them. I don't know where he got them from Germany or somewhere Iceland or something. You know, and to us, that was like, they got them from Saturn.

We never even heard of that Germany. You know, we'll fucking do this. And people were doing acid, you know, or L, whatever it was, doing the suppositories, I remember for a while. So I like psychedelics a little bit when I was younger. And what else, dude? And then, but out here, I don't know what happened,

I just had a couple of crazy nights, and then, uh, I was like, I'm gonna try something different, man. So I just decided I'm gonna stop partyin'. So, and now I get about six months, I've been so, for instance, I'm, last time I walked out of here, I went over to the improv and did a set-how in mushrooms, and they were flicking the lights on on stage. I still have an on video, man. I'll put it out. I'll put it out for your legion.

How old do you now? 36, man. I'm an adult. It's tough to say to yourself, this is it. You have those nights and like we were saying, you've had a spectacular night in my world. Like, why I came from? That's a spectacular night in my world. Like, why it came from? That's a spectacular night. Oh yeah. Getting to the cab, go off a blow, then the guy hooked you up with a chick,

you fucked a chick in the cab. No, he did. Oh, he fucked her in the cab. Oh no, no, this is craziness. Now, what time did this night end? Dude, so what happened with that night was, let me revamp it for you. So what happened was, I went to a party, bro, and I didn't plan on drinking.

No, you're in New York. I'm in New York City. Yeah, I'm in New York City. Yep, I was doing comedy. I had a sublet there. I was just kind of experiencing the city. We talked once or twice when I was there. You know, and I was enjoying it, man.

It was good. And then I got into a party one night. And afterwards, and they were drinking at the party. And I just felt uncomfortable, dude. To be to be honest man most of my life i have felt uncomfortable bro i don't know what it is i can a lot of environments i just feel uncomfortable but i place out of place yeah yeah yeah you feel that ever uh... all the time what do you mean ever this is that there's like this more

times i feel in place like that like that that's a weird times. But it's like, my girlfriend and I were just talking about it because we stayed in a new year's eve. Yeah. But seeing the shots of Times Square and seeing the shots of the clubs, maybe I should have done something a little bit more social,

but that is not, I would rather, I'd rather be in a box than in a club. I can see that, that would feel so uncomfortable there. Like a New Year's Eve like club, like that's not me at all. We don't see, and a club today is so you to pitch, you don't see people getting fucking molested in the background and people, you know, but at least light a candle, or something for you later, you do anything? Oh, well, yeah, well, we, we, he's gonna do what is gonna make fun of me. We went away that we go before we went to Long Beach as well So anyway, bro, I can't even get what it did have a sit you took your girl

She took me she took me she's a surprise. But then we just decided to come home because it was rain. No. Because it was rain. Yo, are we going to sit in someone else's apartment on New Year's Eve down the long beach when I have a nicer apartment over here? For what the fuck?

It's a horror show. I tried and I keep moving. It sounds like the notebook. It moves them by the month. It sounds like the notebook for two people on down syndrome No, no, this was something that when he told me I go what now when he told me I thought that we're gonna leave Friday night Go to a hotel like normal Americans, right? Yeah, wake up in the morning. Get a little room service gives her a stab and yeah

Take a walk down come back smoke a joint eat a star maybe about six take it to a nice fucking restaurant six seven o'clock sitting dog so you're out of there by 9 30 you take about to the apartment give a straight up eat three more stars and watch some stupid movie I thought that's what he was doing America I got a call from him Thursday at lunchtime so yeah yeah well not the leave I go leave where long beach I almost shop myself and the fucking head I go this kid can't be this stupid and then I bet not I want to dinner. I had to do a set last week and

I had two hours to kill I Said told my wife don't even make dinner in Hollywood. There's no sense of me coming back. I do this set for Penn State. So I had two hours to kill, so I went to Chibo. That's one of my favorite places. Is he a good place? I never even been there.

I don't eat the pizza. I don't eat none of that shit. I get the salad is delicious. Whatever salad and the big mom is spaghetti with no meat, just pasta, with sauce, and if you've got cheese, and they give you a small serving, it's always been good.

I've been eating there for fucking years. Wow. And that's what I eat. I go there three times a year, though. If I'm lucky, I got three times to drive by, I got an hour a year, yeah, I got no addition. I plan it, I go, okay. I got an hour and a half, I'm gonna have a month, we'll go to fucking Chee buttered back. And I get excited hour here. Yeah, I got no addition. I planned it. I go okay. I got an hour and a half of my is well

Go to fucking keep it in like excited. Yeah I sit next to a guy I go to the bar and I see the bartender and he's an old door guy from the improv we start chit chat Two things down for me as a guy from Emerson college and Right away I got asked him I had asked what did he teach you? College and I don't, I'm not sure anymore. I go, I hide him because I thought he was sharp and then I was, but lately he's been slipping. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

And I was late. That was late. He went to Long Beach Thursday afternoon for new years. Now I could see, like I said, Friday after all the traffic is that, no, here's the best one. Here's the best one out of all of them. I call them Thursday night or he calls me, we're talking in the conversation.

And also he goes, you know, we air be and be. I go, you're not even in a fucking hotel with like a fucking elliptical, that you go to elliptical. You've been home all week with her and now you go down there for two more fucking nights with her to do nothing to look at each other and he cookies and shit at a strangers apartment. I'm watching really bad TV in a strangers apartment.

This was something that I was like, I don't know. We're here. Like, what in squatters? When he called me Saturday and told me he was coming back. I wanted to tell him just GPS to cart through the ocean to a Santa Monica pier and take the car right off the fucking pier. And then because then getting no better and you're like, he went away to Long Beach. And every morning when I woke up since that, today there was a burglary in Long Beach

when the guy shot the burglary. He shot the burglary every day. I woke up in that morning. I all I was waiting for is a month. You were praying for it to me like, we had a month. Like to see Lee fucking shot in the head, like, Lee got hit by a car coming with a box of wings. They got poor girlfriend on the thing. I don't know what happened.

They got in stop for the red light. The saddest part is is, who the fuck goes to Long Beach for the night? I don't know, okay. Lee used to treat himself to a nice night's Chiba with the bar, and now a few years later, he finally got a girl. No, that wasn't me, himself to a nice night at Chiba with the bar And now a few years later he finally got a girl And that wasn't me that was he was at Chiba that night and he was thinking about me I was a memason I had asked what did he teach you?

To teach anything or what the fuck do you have to eat that? I'll be honest. Okay. This was it We don't have we couldn't fly anywhere. We didn't have enough time. So this is what you chose But we have we actually a good time the fucking aquarium in Queen Mary or fucking awesome when you're stoned as fuck But this is what I will I did one talk to you guys about oh You see what I do air in being the aquarium is You're out it feels like squat like it was the weirdest Experience of my life then what you touch in the animals they get the pet and zoo in there

Yeah, well the aquarium yeah, but at the the, I was talking about the apartment for a second. I'm not at the Airbnb dude. You fucking, like that's another roommates. Like his roaches in the apartment? You massage another roommates. No thank god they weren't roommates. Ha ha ha. This guy. Imagine if there was a roommate he takes his lady out.

No, it was like a harrow show. Yeah. I live in a fucking world between him and my wife. I'm not gonna make it to 56. I'm not gonna make it to I just got four weeks in that house of my wife. Wow. It's a torture. I'm the fucking house of harrow. I love it with all my heart. It's a torture chamber. It's the worst part, like what's the worst part? Honestly. It being 9.30 in the morning at night. And just sitting there and not having a spot

because I don't want to be at the store every night. Yeah. You know, I don't want to be that guy. You don't need to be at the store every night. There's young guys coming up. I know how I felt when I was coming up and I had shit to do and there's some old guy that's coming down.

I'm good enough, two spots a week, I'm good. This week I'm doing Thursday, turn them up, Tom, tomorrow night I'll do flappers. If I get out, you two, early Wednesday, I'll pop into someplace, but you know, I got a gig for out of here, I'm fucking good, I'm not working, I'm not, I'm just putting them to do a couple of bits together, finding my new fucking voice but you know I got a gig for I'm fucking good I'm not working on nothing I'm just putting a couple bits together find them my new fucking

voice you know yeah it's like when you travel it breaks them a not in the app a little bit oh yeah and it was I was home for four fucking weeks and it was the holidays and one of those weeks the baby was home all we that's tough for babies off of school all week one week vacation With a ring three of those days, you know what I am so She wanted to ride the bicycle That's like a triple threat of so a apparent hate the truth of the matter is the truth of the matter is that my

I'm a dud. I've always been a dud, you know Lee Says that he feels uncomfortable up. I'll tell you what I where I feel comfortable I feel comfortable in a bar where the bartenders a Good-looking woman in 1924. Yeah, she still has tits. She wears push-up bras She's got freckles on it. She's got a center humor The bar seats 20 she serves some fucking food in there. Let's kick ass. There's a jukebox. There's music You know what at this age? I don't want a fucking pool table. Yeah, and I don't want a dark board I don't want a lot of movement. I never like movement. Yeah sit down have a fucking being talk to me

If you want to do this if you're gonna be moving around Go somewhere else. Yeah pool and arguments and I can't walk this guy's throwing a fucking darn at me I I just want to be you know, I like that's what I want to do That's my ideal bar and to be strictly honest with you since the age of 16 That was always my ideal bar once we started going after those discos, I've said it once, I've said it before. My wife asked me, I'll be right home the other day from dinner, we'll listen to the studio 54 on a serious excitement. She goes, so you used to go disco dance? How are you crazy? I was a kid when that shit came out. I go, when I was in high school, I could put a hand full of times I went

to clubs with the studio but I went to studio in 84 there was nothing going on in studio no more was it Thursday night 84 yeah I was going to club area like twice I went to like the rooftop 4 5 6 but I was never a club guy bro look at me I knew who the fuck I was I belong to the neighborhood bar with a bartender named Lila. Yeah. She had a dog behind a bar, a dog slapped the whole fucking time. Now that's the bar I grew up in John Marries. They had a little circular biscuit thing like a dainty, like a bakery thing in the middle and it would have a cover and in the middle there was ham and cheese sandwiches. That's beautiful. So if you want a sandwich you just went over and got it. The head stewed sandwiches.

And next to it was a, not don't cook tonight, called chicken though, it was a chicken fill. Not Chick-fil-A, this is when chicken was chicken. And one of the kids we hung with was the fucking cook. So at the end of the shift, he'd come over to the bar with a box of chicken, from the left over chicken. And you had a tab and no guy that

ran the place was a loan shark. So you can if you fucking get the buy an eight ball, you could borrow 300 from on the spot. I still owe 8,000. From 1980 fucking to, you know, I never felt I never. The first time I went to Vegas dog, I knew it wasn't for me. Yeah. I just always felt very insecure in those places.

Always. Still do. Yeah, that's how I felt. Still do. And I always had an excuse in my head. I'm why I felt insecure. When I was younger, it was that I wasn't good looking enough and I'm a criminal.

These people are all nice people. These are the environment I want to hang with. These people don't want to hang with me. Yeah. And when I got to a certain age, it was I was too old. And then now I'm like, I just feel like I've played out fucking pervert. Yeah.

Like I'm a little being 25 and seeing like 50 year old guys thinking why is this fucking guy here? This dude's a pervert. Lee. It's a sweetheart. I've seen Lee at a bar. No, I could tell he's a gentleman. Lee wants to go to a bar and watch you football game and have a bucket of wings and

He wants to yell maybe a little bit. He doesn't want nobody close to him yelling. He doesn't want nobody Leopate $3 extra just to you know, I'm saying yeah, it's in the white section We do good in studio 54 What's he gonna do? Have one drink? People can try to talk to him. I never like going to a place where the music was loud That's where you lose uncle Joey. Yeah, if I can't talk to you, though We're talking that on a big loss. I'm lost You know, yeah, see that's the same as for me, man

But I would for some reason I kept making excuses that made me like Less than you know, so like oh, it's my fault that I don't fit in here instead of just being like oh this isn't my environment You know now why didn't you feel it was you're an environment? So like, oh, it's my fault that I don't fit in here. Instead of just being like, oh, this isn't my environment, you know? Now why didn't you feel it was your environment? I just felt like you feel older. No, I felt like, you know, like these people were rich, or these people were better than me, or these people, you know, I'm kind of a, a bit of a miscreant,

you know, I grew up on the other side of the tracks and these people. But they don't know it, like that's the thing I always thought because my my whole thing comes from like I've always been Chubby and short short you're like a tall in shape good looking dude. I'd look at you I think there's nothing wrong in his life at all like there's no way he's self-conscious about anything well That's what goes wrong, man I look at you and I think this guy's fucking what in vine at all

Joey here with my main man nephew all around great guy and hilarious comedian my brother mr. Theo Vaughan and My little fucking Jewish friend mr. Lisa yeah the Jewish jingle bell baby Johnny hummus St. Louis thank you very much for coming out to the shows this weekend at Eliam. I had a fucking blast with your people I really did. The food was great. 12 dollars for lunch. You know I could move there and become one of those 600 pound man. They're gonna take me via Cogler to Houston and shit where I feel every pothole in my asshole anyway. Theo Vaughn what up? Good to be here man. Great to be here. It's a special occasion tonight. I mean yeah it's Theo Vaughn, what up? Good to be here, man break the B here. It's a special occasion tonight. I mean, yeah It's Theo Vaughn's one-year sobriety and where else to spend it here on the church with two vagabonds

Fucking THC smoke is myself Too fucking hitchhikers on the on the spirit highway man. I love you. Congratulations, bro Thank you I remember that date forever because I'll think about you. It's fucking great. Thanks man. You've been super supportive, do whether you know whatever I'm doing music or I don't even do music too.

Whatever. You want to play the flute? Play the flute. You want to make noise, make noise. Jewish really supportive. I make a phone call. My neck is coming like the godly boys. I'm saying.

I mean comedy or just chilling you've always been supportive man so I'm happy I feel I was gonna go to a meeting tonight but I was like you know what I'm gonna come here and spend it with you guys man. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. This is a meeting because that's what I thought. We're gonna get more from up then when you get at a meeting sometimes like before the show started we were talking about the use and abuse we were doing you know, yeah going in the scams and the mental Things you go to and just the first year I Remember it took me 90 days to just fucking realize what was going on and I would go to bed early I'd force myself to go to bed early not to have that withdrawal. Yeah, I had a night time withdrawal. Yeah

How was it for you? Yeah, I had a night time with drugs. Yeah, I was a few. Yeah, it's true. The lady you stay up the more you get lonely, you know, you can feel the wolves starting to kind of climb around inside of you. You know, that's how I feel. Like I feel, you know, like they get these dangerous squirrels that kind of live inside of you. And the later you stay up the more they start, you know,

kind of peeking their head around, you know, looking for drugs and looking for pussy or something, you know. And I feel like if I would go to bed earlier, you know, shut things down like we'd get a book or do something calm, like a candle do something that kind of sets my mind down a little bit that I would feel better. That's what I started to notice, you know? So addiction is like a mental thing for you.

It seems like it's not like a, I always thought addiction would be like a more of a physical thing In that time that sounded very mental. It's both. Yeah, it's both. It becomes it starts mental For me at the end of the last two years like I've said before dog at five to eight My body would a really matter what I a for dinner No matter what type of a day I had at 5th April and my body would start hurting and I couldn't think I couldn't think except going to the ATM was all that was on my mind yeah and as soon as

that man answered the phone my heart started beating I take a shit and leave you know what I am saying yes when you came in here and told me the story about New York a year ago, I think that's a little bit that made you realize I've always talked about that story and how you sent it on the podcast. I always thought that you're very intelligent because you learned something and that was nothing. It could always get worse. intelligent because you learned something that that was nothing it could always get worse. Yeah just kind of affected like I showed up at OP and Jim over there with Jim Norton and at their show and I was fucked up you know couldn't even talk I just had like my mouth open derral strawberries there you know and he freaking and I'm like dark good you know I'm out there

you know look like I just been smoking the moon you know and I kept out there, you know, look like I've just been smoking the moon, you know. And I kept drinking coffees and I couldn't, oh, I couldn't close my mouth also, which was weird after a while, you know, when you can't even close your mouth and they could give me hot coffee. And I was just like, damn, and I just kept thinking, you know, you wouldn't, I wouldn't have chose to be in this situation.

Somebody asked me a year earlier, hey, you wanna go on Opie and Jim Norton, I'd have been like, yeah, I'm excited. And they're like, yeah, you wanna stay up, do cocaine on like the night before, for you go on that, I'd have been like, no way, bro, I gotta be, I gotta be in top, top condition when I get there.

But here I was doing that. So I'm thinking, I must not be making all of the choices for myself, you know, that the drugs were starting to make some choices. How long have you been doing cocaine at that time? Not that long, man, you know, and I just had a couple of but every time I would get heavy into it Maybe a couple of years, but just sparingly occasionally But when you would go you would go. Yeah, when I would go. I would go and I started to notice it was like then it was first

It was like six times a year, you know, and then it was then it became like once a month and then it was becoming Once a week, you know, and so I became like once a month and then it was becoming once a week You know, and so I was like oh this is escalating man, and that shit escalates quick, dude Like one night I left the I was in my apartment didn't I was all fucked up and I used to put on I got in a box of vest dude somebody ordered some vest and I don't know if it was like a joke or somebody Accent like got some vest sent to the wrong person, you know got a box of vests, different types of vest shirts without arms. Yeah. And different colors and everything.

Different colors, different styles, different patterns, everything. And so I would like at night, I'd be doing all this cocaine, putting on these vest and shit and kind of enjoy myself a little bit, listen music, you know, some arrowsmith or something, you know Just just vibing, you know, and one night I was making a milkshake Because I don't like to eat honestly. I like to make milkshakes more often. So I'm making a milkshake and And I left the blend and I got the blender on right and I went outside of my apartment door and the door locked dude right it's like 4 a.m. my blender's going right I'm out there high on cocaine I got on this vest is kind of kind of tangerine kind of I guess I don't know what material it was maybe like Mogadish or something

you know something fucking kind of fly so this thing's fucking going dude there's only like eight units in my building right right? So I'm like, and then I guess the machine started smoking the alarm starts going off, right? Now it's 4 a.m. dude, I got the things shorted out, the thank God, the blender shorted out, but I got the alarm going off in the building now. I'm standing outside of my apartment, wearing boxers in this fucking orange vest, got on sunshades, and then my landlord comes out and I'm like, Jesus Christ, you know, like just look at the shit that's going on, you know, and now I gotta tell him I'm just up going to piss, you know, like, so just things like that started to get weird, you know. I remember I fell asleep in some lady's bed and just urinated in

her bed and she got angry, you know. And she let me sleep over and I told, I usually I tell people for I sleep over I went to bed once in a while, you know, so but anyway man, it was Yeah, just wild stuff started to happen, you know be over at people's houses You know just It's getting late, you know you're touching some girls crotch outside of an apartment building over there and you know Studio city or out near the airport and you're like what the fuck am I doing you know it's not bad but I'm you know I did this already I'm still doing this you know so that was some of the issues that I started to notice some

of the patterns you know it's done it's very sad when you look back at the stupid sheet that's true it starts off off the talk we were having before the podcast started is it always starts off recreation. Yeah. Listen man, for me in that way, for me in that way, what's a good time for me in that way? When I would get a call in 99, 2002, you know, I would get that call on Monday and they'd say, you have spots Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday. And the old days get that call on Monday and they'd say you have spots Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and the old days You called on Monday and Tuesday morning. They called you with Tuesday Wednesday Thursday She wouldn't give you Friday Saturday till Friday at fucking two. Oh, she would bury you till Friday

And you keep calling me go. I don't know Sometimes they be there Thursday, but anyway, that's not what we're talking about here. I would Sometimes they beat their thirst. Anyway, that's something we're talking about here. I would, you look at the week and you see what you got, new plant. I would plant, might, because for me, the best time I ever had in LA was going to the store, drinking a cocktail and drinking sodas

before I went on stage. Yeah, I tried. He's like being a straight gay guy, bro. He's my little brother, I got accepted. One of my other doings. Thank you, I appreciate it. He's a beautiful and one of my 70 favorite people right there, guy, bro. He's my little brother. I got accepted one of my other do you thank you? I appreciate it He's a beautiful animal one of my 70 favorite people right there Lisa yeah the top 70 people and people magazine Yeah, the favorite Lisa. It's a bad mother from my favorite 70 people dead or alive dude. I don't think I know 70 people

Yeah, you do Every fucking body who dies they always make 250 mass cards for you. Did you know that they really yeah? Because everybody on the average knows 250 fucking people. That's why in business, you have to be nice to everybody. Wow. Everybody knows 250 people. At least, not Twitter, not Facebook. Right. You've been in contact with 250 people. If you die by the age of 50, between classmates, high school mates, college mates, people at your job over 25, 30 fucking years. That's the average. Well, people don't know that. You learn that when you buy telemarketing in the 70s. That's what I'm telling you more ways than more ways.

Telemarketing in the 70s. If you want to sell, you got to, that's what you fucking sell. Yeah. That's selling generations. So let's say you sell fucking vacuums in your series, but what you hope is That Lee it becomes your gumbah and Lee Sun buys your vacuums Lee's daughter buys your vacuums Lee's wife You know, it's what you want fifth generation on a cume. Yeah, that's what you do That's what a good fucking sell and does you know, so we you're at the Chris thing you do and everything you know back Yeah, I'll tell you this my sister used to be an exotic dancer, right? She used to be in the fucking Louisiana, kind of certain areas, you know. That's tough living.

Yeah, it's tough area, especially out there. And she actually learned a dance, and I remember this while, but she learned a dance, and it was like a trailer, right? Like, she was like an exotic place, but it was a trailer, but but the stage wasn't very high and the stage was too high in the trailer. So this the dancers had to crouch and strip at the end dance at the same time dude. So if you were over like five four you had to like duck and look sexy and that's hard to do man think about that. I've never had to think about that because I'd be finding that trail. Yeah, you You'd be the fucking you'd be the dessert dancer, bro

They bring you out with the fucking with the Crimberu-lai man The fucking Lee would take the stage like a fucking Thanksgiving tree. How many comedy cream burlays do you think Lee would dance self? That motherfucker came out every hour on the hour at least eight at least eight hour. I would sell eight every 15 minutes But there's only so many people in the building. Yeah, very small club. Yeah, but if I come in this club and to see me they like dessert She's probably out there for I guess about eight years Oh, no, she just started there. She then she went into buildings that were zone correctly and everything, you know.

With the balls, you stretch out, you know. Did you get mad at all those years? Were you upset with her? Let me think, man, we weren't really close growing up. I mean, I was actually in the way. I was living you were younger than me. Okay, yes, you upset. I mean, I was, well, the crazy part was honestly,

we look alike. So I would see dude sometimes looking at me, like weirdly, like around, when I was out at lunch and shit, you know? And they were like, do I know you? I'm gonna go to that. No. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Yeah, she got the fucking go-tay to hilarious. But, so I guess that if we wouldn't have looked alike, it might have not been so wild to me.

But you know what, dude, she didn't have, you know, she was missing some elements growing up. And, you know, I respect any woman if they are out there in those type of environments, because that's a hard environment. Because otherwise, if you're not doing that, what are you doing then, you know? If you're at that, but if you're at that doorstep where you are, you know, where you're looking for an occupation,

but if you're not doing that, you're probably up to some dark art, you know? Sorry about that. You're the dead. Damn, I love fuck out. I hear music. You know I hear music Yeah, this Joey's rain tone is like Elvis for the holidays You want some fucking Memphis email this I don't fucking know what kind we did you go to that strip club in the trailer?

I mean I'd been I mean I'd been over there before but I didn't fucking know what kind of we did you go to that strip club in the trailer? I mean I'd been I mean I'd been over there before but I didn't you know I wouldn't go there with my sister Well, no, I would hope not but I can't even imagine like is it just like a construction trailer that they just Port a little stage in on a couple folding chairs. I mean, I don't think that they had You know a long I don't know if they're what their long-term business model was, you know I mean I'll say that but they you know it was good. It was a small town place, you know and people were enjoying themselves and But yeah, I mean I love my sister. She's the best, you know, I mean I would I Mean she's a fucking G man. She's a fucking G You know she's she's real as I get. It's crazy because.

What were we talking about? What were we talking about? Squat in the trailer. But even got into this conversation. No, no, it's just weird that did she ever go to a big city in dance or did she keep a light street for it? I mean, I think she, you know,

nothing real crazy, I don't think. I mean, weren't that close at a lot of that time? She married now? No, it's not single. Still single? Ready to mingle. Ready to mingle. Cool check though. Kids? No kids. She kept it together, man. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Listen, you're 22. Right, you're 22. You got nothing going on. I mean, what are your fucking options? You're gonna go work at a vet or a daycare for $8,000 or whatever.

You're gonna go work at a vet or a daycare for eight thousand. I know whatever. I see a young girl. I mean, you know, and I have a daughter. I would have felt if she came to me and said, look, I'm gonna go to fucking college. But I got an answer. I'm gonna go strip for five years for four years. The four years I could have been in college. I'm gonna go strip. But you're not that intelligent to grasp it at that time. Right, girls that go into that, go into that. I'm not talking on that line here because they were missing something.

Yeah. For the first time, somebody paid attention to them. Yeah. So, oh yes, he was abused. He had like this, this violent kind of black boy, Frenchie dated and that abused. And I think that's what got her into it. You know, it's just, you don't give a fuck about yourself,

but think about it. With, you know, it's just uh, you don't give a fuck about yourself But think about it with you With what you know now yeah, the knowledge you have now if you were fucking 18 year old check your tits were hot You got nice little ass all these guys are tortured your other time. They're fucking broke You know, I mean yeah, as a woman you go. You know what I wasn't raised to do this. Yeah, but it's 2000 fucking 17 Yeah, I'm gonna go to subway and be surrounded by steps or some sent you know, it's jerking off of They caught two dudes jerking off but I also way at least yeah, there was something about it. I think it was just I don't know could have been the air freshener something It literally this subway fuck him made you feel it wrecked. But I think they had one of those lavender air things

in the back. And I'm not making fun of subway employees. I always thought, I believe that the fuck in my biggest fear is when you walk into subway, like who I thought I was gonna turn out to be honest to God. And I didn't want this. You ever go in a subway and everybody's 22.

But then there's one guy that's 50 with a ponytail. That was you? And he's got a nearing and he's still he's still cool. Like he's still fighting the fucking cool. It don't matter that. He listened to the apartment with eight dudes and what had he got home the other night. They were listening to Aqua Long and it doesn't matter. What matters is that he went to see Guns and Roses, you know, two weeks ago. Right. This is what's going on. He's living his life. Yeah, he's living his life, but he didn't really look at the other party.

You know, like, he didn't look at it ladder when life moves fucking fast. And you're still talking about some fucking band. Yeah. Well, everybody else, your rage is growing up, is growing the fuck up. You know, it's kind of a weird, I was always scared to be that guy. That betrified me, Lee. Well, I mean, don't even think it would take like a very specific kind of person to be like be a stripper not get affected by it? Because you're talking like oh it'd be great.

Two out of fucking ten. Right. The right person. Two out of ten if you make an educated guess. Yeah. I went to a strip club a year ago, nine months ago. I get bored. I'm like any other fucking guy

Yeah, I'm home when it's 10 15 everybody's fucking sleeping. Yeah, everybody's asleep in my house at 10 15 like out Yeah, I can't even fucking put a punch on body Yeah, I try to wake my wife up to give me the 10 the pen to iTunes So I could order a fucking phone. She's gonna fuck myself You know what I'm saying everybody Everybody's out in my fucking house, a fucking 1015. Yeah. So like, let me go to Yum Yum Donuts, stay here.

And then you're a fat fuck. You just sit there, don't stay, I'm waiting for the war. Thank you so, you guys should fuck it. I got a lot of home, other trans dress types. If you stay on co-facts and go up to like victory and make a left, there's a strip club. And I'm in there, and I made an observation.

You know, you just sit in there looking at pussy and tits and it's phenomenal. I know you just sit and look and I pussy intense and it's phenomenal I'm not gonna say that you I didn't like it when it was dirty. Yeah first off this trip club is always empty Yeah, I mean you can't believe How empty it is like bone dry like this full fucking guy sitting there drinking water because it's new Yeah, like they're showing their showing photos of people that were in there earlier in the day. That's how I can get to get to this. There's four people in here. And I'm, you know, you talk to different girls.

There was one girl. I talked to her. Her boyfriend comes to comedy shows. She comes with them all the time. Oh, wow. And there was another girl that her boyfriend was a fucking fan of the podcast. And, and, you know, you know, you have all these girls that are in there that talk to you. Yeah, I looked at them and I'm like, look at that girl.

She's 18. There was one girl I was 20. You know, I give her the whole back account. Yeah, you know, you look at her and go, you give it a whole bank account. Like listen, just come home and we go get your clothes. But throw my wife out. Yeah, I'm sure. And for some dudes that would do that, you know And then you have the girls with a 42, man. They're out there banging it. They're eating grapefruit

juice and jumping and fucking, you know, and you got to give them heart. Like you sit there and go, I know what she's going through. Yeah. I don't want to pick the 20-year-old because she's going to feel bad. But if I pick the 20-year-old, right, the 20-year-old will glob all over and suck your sperm. She doesn't know it has HIV out there and plenty of the mouth and shit. Yeah, she still think she could, you know. Well, the 40 year old gives your hand wipes because she knows you're gonna finger her

and she don't want the leftover salt from the pretzel you had two hours early in the morning. It's just really weird, bro, when you deal with, when they become a professional. Yeah. Like, have you ever bumped into a professional stripper. Yeah. It's a different game. It's a different game, brother.

It's like staying at comedy for a certain period of time. It's like there's a certain day. Yeah, a certain day. When you like, you realize, oh. Oh, I know what you're doing. Or I'm in. This is not what I'm gonna do. Yeah. And when you deal with a professional stripper,

you go in there, dog, shoot a shot into the first room, first, She'll give you a couple of whips on her monkey Touch it and there she'll take you upstairs bang out for the small four bills And that's where she becomes a nun. Yeah, and you're like what the fuck happened she sold you? Yeah, she ain't a stripper no more. She's a saleswoman. Yeah, you want a fucking suck. That's 2000 for this fucking piece as yeah 2000 they look at you in the squeeze you know what? What I'm gonna know my asshole and I'm gonna need a yogurt at the same time 11 guys normal three four five they're gonna fuck fucking six guys for a thousand dollars. Yeah, and make 12 thousand a week was

I'm fucking six guys for a thousand dollars. Yeah. And make 12,000 a week was fucking $2,000. So wait, so I've even thought about it that. If you pay whatever that is, $2,500, that's not the whole night, that's like one round, I guess. Oh, you can negotiate whatever the fuck you want. Okay, thank God. Dude, what about fucking just somebody regular

and in tip-and-a-m after? Is that crazy, you think? Like if it's just a girl you met. They got insulted. Yeah. I could see you telling the girl, listen, man, I'm a quite a town on Thursday. I didn't know this was gonna happen at a great time.

Can you get to a house, damn, leave it there for you for you to do your toes, nails, and get yourself lunch at your girlfriend, you know? Yeah, that's a way to do it. It's how you fucking do it. You know, it's not making them feel like a fucking hookah. Yeah. But, but you can't fuck. Yeah. You know, it's a right now. Harvey Weinstein's getting in trouble for this shit. And then, yeah, he's a pig. But you got to make this a, there's a thousand guys out there. I used to date a girl,

bro. That was a stripper. And after a year or two, I accepted what she did. And I used to just talk to her sometimes. And by talking to her, it really showed me how pathetic men were. Because not even in my deepest, darkest moment, what I do, something like that. Yeah. You know, yeah, I like fucking getting your dick sucked. Everybody does.

Everybody likes to bump into somebody like Leigh and Monkey. Yeah, look at a good time fucking Let's go on somebody's car seat, especially as a comedian, but to walk into a strip club right out And this is what they do every week. This is their freak This is and I tell people all the time that you're married So you have these boundaries. Yeah, and then you present yourself with personal boundaries And you go you know what I got a wife. I got a kid. I got a daughter I got to go home now for fucking hours my wife don't bang me like she used to. She don't let me

come in the head no more all those days are done. Yeah. ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo ndo You you