Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #03

Episode Date: May 31, 2013

Dr. Frank Berdice and comedian Josh Wolf join Joey and Lee for the third live podcast. Recorded live on 05/29/2013

Music Back on the roof! Thank you guys for coming out. This is the third live one we've done. We have two great guests for you tonight. I'm going to bring Joey. He's going to talk to you for a little bit. So here he is, Joey Diaz. There's Wednesday night, baby. I love it. Thank you very much for coming out. It means the world to me. I know it's Wednesday. You guys got shit going on. But we're here tonight, you bad motherfuckers, for a live podcast at church. We got a great lineup. We got my doctor, Dr. Frank Pradichia in the house. Give him a round of applause.

We got my man, Josh Wolfe in the fucking house. Give him some love. No applause for Josh Wolfe. What the fuck is wrong with your people? Now I'm talking. And I said, we'll get ready for a hot motherfucking weekend. 99 in the fucking valley. If you live in the valley, you better break out those fucking hot pants because it'll be hot this weekend. And I got a big challenge this weekend. I'm baptizing the baby. That's always fucked up right there. That's fucked up. I'm baptizing in church. It's going to be great. But it's been such so fucked up to try to get a church. Like in the old days, you just walked into a church like my mother, my mother would celebrate my dad's death every fucking year. She never

called the head. The bitches showed up. They could be doing like a mass for some like kid or something. She didn't give a fuck. She showed up. She gave the priest $200 cash and a bottle of doers. You did what the fuck you want. You give the priest a bottle of doers. You do what the fuck you want in church, understand me? Don't even tell you, look, I do what the fuck you want. You want to come up and grab the cookie naked and fuck them up. Nobody gives a shit. Do your thing. So we finally got that shit going on. What else is happening? I'm tired. I've been high all fucking weeks. It's got to stop. It's got to stop. It's got to stop. You just eat an edible and you're going to this trance and then eat another

thing. I had to take a nap today. I had to tap out like 5.30. That's when you know it gets you when you have to take a nap and you wake up even more fucking high. Like you wake up, you don't know where the fuck you are. You're like, what happened? There's a cat next to you. Like whose cat is this? Oh, that's my fucking cat. But nah, nah, everything's all right. I'm happy your motherfuckers came out. We get crazy on the podcast. So I'm happy you guys know what the language is. People get pissed at me about the language still. I still get emails like I listened to it at 6 in the morning. You said fuck 11 times. Listen, that's what you're supposed to say. Fuck early in the morning to get you motivated.

You follow me? Have people talk nice to you in the morning? Like, hi, how was your sleep? How the fuck do you sleep? I slept fucking great. I slept. You've had people ask you stupid fucking questions in the morning. Like, you know, how was your flight? Oh, it was fucking amazing. It sucked. All right, how was my flight? I had to stop in LA. They searched for me, you know, then I had to sit. The flight was fucking delayed. I sat next to some guy eating hummus. Let me tell you something. You eat hummus on McDonald's on a plane. I'll fucking stab you. And you're lucky. It wasn't like when I would wake up coked up, you'll wake up hung over, you smell something bad, you puke. You'll wake up hung over and you're like, I hope I

don't smell something bad today. And you got on a plane or something like a family of eight comes on and they're eating like a subway sandwich and you're fucking ready to barf on McDonald's because McDonald's is great to eat. But to smell it when you're not eating it, it's fucking horrible. It's fucking horrible. Next time you eat McDonald's, eat it and enjoy it. And then smell your fucking hand. It's like you finger the dead crack hole. That's what it smells like. Like you just went up to this dead bitch. You know what I'm saying? Speaking of dead bitches, if you want to see a dead bitch, go up to 170. You ever drive on a 170? You ever drive and you're like, man, if I was going to kill somebody, I drop them off on a 170. By Sherman Way, I killed like

three motherfuckers. I've dropped them off up there already. You go up to the Sherman Way, look around. There's always like a dead body up there. Look around off to right before the five starts. It's a beautiful place. Listen, if you're going to kill somebody, just put them there. That's all I'm saying. How about a big round of applause for the wait staff? Look at these girls laying it down for us. We got a sold out fucking show. Amanda Burns is coming tonight. We got people coming down here. That dumb bitch threw a bong out the fucking window. You know what I'm saying? The only reason you throw a bong out the window is it gets too hot. You ever smoke so much the bong gets fucking hot? Let me tell you what I did one time. Other than Colorado, I had this

bong somebody gave me. In the 80s, like in the early 90s, bongs were like rubber. They were like this rubber. So I got into the thing called bazookas, where you smoke weed, but you get the cocaine and put it in the microwave oven for 25 seconds. And then when it comes out, BING! Every time you hear that BING, you fucking lose your mind. BING! It's like a fucking boxer. So you take it out, you put it in like a coffee cup, then you take it out, and you put it on a piece of paper. And whenever it came up, you put it in like weed and smoke a joint, then you take a lighter and burn the fucking joint. The coke mixes into the thing. I was crazy. But one night, I ran out of rolling papers. So I used the bong, right? Do you know I melted the fucking bong?

Like it looked like, remember when the towel went down in the World Trade Center, like it just collapsed down and it bent like that? That's what it looked like. The bong was this big at night when I started, when I woke up the next morning. It was like six inches. While it was that bong, I was like, it's time to stop. It's time to join the fucking church. This is fucked up. I melted the fucking bong. You understand me? Nobody melts a bong. Like I sat there all night cooking and smoking this fucking bong. So it became like a little midget bong. I remember like, my girl got up and said, what happened to the bong? You don't want to know, right? I fucking melted it. That's how strong I fucking wrote. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling healthy. It's fucked up to be 50.

You know, you think like when you hit 40, you're all downhill. Like, listen, you know what, man, as long as you're fucking and coming, you're following me because that's all guys think about. We don't give a fuck if we're 80 strapped like Hannibal Lecter, right? Like if they strap us down, but our tongue still works. And our dick still works. We're healthy. That's all. We don't give a fuck. Like, just pick her up and let her land on me. I got this. I can do this. I did a testosterone shot this morning. Put that ass in my face. You know what I'm saying? He shot the needle right in my tongue. That's all that works. Like I would just have him shoot testosterone in my fucking tongue. That's it. I don't give a fuck. What's the dick goes? What's the dick goes? That's it. First,

you lose like the finger. Can you imagine when you can't finger somebody no more, or you can't squeeze like a dick and they got you there? Like, like you just sitting there, but the tongue works. So now you got to, you got to overpass the field. That's pretty fucked up because you always got to grab a pussy before you can lick it. Now you just got to tell her, bring it over here. Put it in my fucking face and shit. We don't give a fuck. We could be 90. We'll still eat ass and pussy. That's when you know. You ever see us, we get older, we get creepier. Like I think we really do. As you get older, you get creepier, but you just don't know it. Like, and you see old people, next time you're at a barbecue, and like your father comes or your

grandfather, bring like a chick with hot pants on. That looks really good. And watch when he sees them. When somebody old sees like a hot chick, if they look at them for a minute, then they realize, even if I tackle this bitch, it ain't gonna work fucking. So that's all it means. Getting old and dying is two different fucking things. You know, like I'm telling you, you can have cancer, a brain tumor, a fucking eye missing, a dead foot, diabetes, HIV, a cold, you could be laying there all fucked up. People come to see you. How you feel? I feel fucked up, but I can still get a hard on you. I still got some life left to me. They can't take away everything. Take away everything. So just think about that.

When the women don't give a fuck, women get older. I think they don't want to fuck no more. I have to see, even look at a woman like a grandma, you're looking at you like, even look at like an older woman like, ah, nobody's fucking her. What a shame. And she may have good pussy left. Like I go to yoga and the yoga's at 830 and after like 10, they have like a class of like women that are 55 and over. And I look at some of those, I'm like, these women still got some pussy left on them. You know what I'm saying? They still got a good stab on them left on them. Like you're at home watching, you're hungry and they put that pussy and they may have gray hair on it, but you'll tackle that shit. You don't give a fuck.

I'm just saying I'm 50, but some women still look fucking good. So they take care of themselves. It doesn't mean like they call these girls cougars. They fucking piss me off. These young chicks that fuck young guys and call themselves like a category. That's a whore. A 40 year old chick that fucks a young guy. That's a molester. That's like a priest. There's no difference. Only it's accepted. You know, we love it. When an older chick, she teach us how to eat pussy or how to eat ass. We fucking love it as young guys. When you date an older woman for a while, then it gets old and you're seeing what stockings in their feet look fucked up. And they got like that hammer and you're like, fuck it. She's got good pussy, but the foot scares me.

You know what I'm saying? That's what happens when you date an older woman. But anyway, we don't want to talk about that shit. How you doing guy? All right. You know, what I'm trying to say is a cougar and a chick that's 40 that fucks guys. A cougar is a chick with like a fucked up ailment at 55 that picks up guys. You know what I'm saying? It's like, if you see a chick with like a cancer hole in her neck and she's out there picking up young guys, that's a cougar you want to fuck right there. No, just me. Just me. You're looking at the club and she's got a hole in her neck. You know what I'm saying? She's looking good. She's running commando because sometimes, sometimes they cover the hole with a curtain. Some nights they say, fuck it. We're just going

to go out there and let the pieces fall with him. Trust me, there's a guy out there. Let's say there's 20 guys in here. One guy was looking at a woman with a hole in her neck and go, ooh. I've been thinking about that for a year. Coming to the stage, my co-host, one of the baddest motherfuckers out there, the Florian Jew, Lee Salette. Thank you guys. What's up you bad motherfucker? I don't understand. You want me to get a take a fart to the face, get pissed on, but an old woman's foot freaks you out. Oh, it's disgusting. A fart to the face and getting pissed on is like a delicacy, you know what I'm saying? People fucking pay money to get pissed on and this fucking kid is always busting my balls about it.

And I'm not talking about like some homeless chick pissing on you, you know, with like fucking shelter food pissing you. And in the face like, like rice erroneous shit, pissed, you know, the color from rice erroneous. I'm talking about like a decent woman who eats salads and goes to yoga. You know, the piss is sweet. The piss is sweet. No, it's not. It's like, it's like fucking, it's like a Snapple iced tea. It's not diet. It's the lemon lime one like that, bro. He'll call me at work at 10 o'clock at night. He's fucked up. He's like, how about she pissed it on you until like a little, a little shit in your mouth. Yeah. Listen, that's, that's what it is to be 24. Being 24 doesn't mean you're like, it means that you experiment with new things. So let's say some

lady takes a shit on your chest. At least you did it. I never had someone, you know, I can never, I was never that fortunate that I could find someone to shit on my chest, just a little shit. Like I wouldn't have, like I would ask like a skinny chick at first. Like I get like the skinniest chick, you know what I'm saying? I take her out for like a sandwich and tell her like, just so it's small, like a little turd shit. I wouldn't mind a little turd shit on your chest. What are you talking about? You, it took you years to go to jiu jitsu because some guys feet would be in your face. That's a guy's foot. That's not a woman's foot. It's completely fucking different cock suck. All right. Right away you want to call me out on my insecurities.

That's not it. So that's our entire pocket. A fucking face is a fucking sexual endeavor. Like right now you go to Hong Kong and you can eat a cock. Do you guys know that? There's a restaurant in Hong Kong that specializes in cock, like animal cock, like alligator cock. I think the most famous, you know, like a fucking foot, like a cat cock or something. I am not kidding you. I wish I was lying to you people in Hong Kong or somewhere in China. I see that the Discovery Channel, people go to eat penis. That's a delicacy. Like I like, I like a parrot's balls. It's like the best fucking balls you can eat. So it's like 800 a fucking nut and people and people spend 1600 eating it with a smile on their face because they're going to go home and fuck somebody to death.

Like in their mind, they're going to get like, what's the word they use virility, virility, whatever the fuck it is, which the finger in the ass does even better benefits. Like if you ever got a deep finger in your ass right before you fuck, you're in such shock that you don't think about coming and lasting. You just, you're still in shock from the finger in your ass. You're not even thinking about it. It's like 20 minutes later, sperm is coming out of the ears and arise like the fountain of fucking youth and you're saying, she's like, stop, stop. And you're still focused on the finger in the ass. So trust me, I mean, we got to talk about this shit. It's important, but not on a Wednesday night though. I know, right? Talk about shit in somebody's chest. That's disgusting. It's Wednesday.

Got to ease it up a little bit. You got to piss on them with the shower running, you know. I mean, this guy thinks I'm like a fucking animal. You know, he doesn't understand that there's a patois that is, you just, you just can't go up to them and fucking, you know, anyway, I got no time for fucking. What else are you going to do? You don't have anything to do. We got 90 minutes and you want to talk about me farting in your favor. Some chick, I've been trying to get them a chick to fart in this just because what you want to, nothing happens until you go out of your comfort zone. I say this over and over again. Lee wants casual sex. Like he wants to fuck, suck and eat pussy. And that's it. You don't want to stick a finger in the chick's ass.

You don't want to take a fall. He don't want to get pissed in the mouth. These are things that you do to grow. No, you don't. You do this to grow as an individual. This might not be for you. Listen, I ended up at that fucking, at that disgusting club one time to get cocaine and in New York, where people were pissing on each other and fetishes, ramrods. I wouldn't go there on a weekly. It's not like I had a ramrod fucking card, but once I went, I see that guy getting pissed on. You're like, wow, they piss on people in this fucking bar. They also put like staples on people's titties. They did weird stuff to people. I wasn't into it, but at least I went. Did I experience it? Not really. I just peed on a guy. Bro, he wanted people to pee on him. You know, again,

you're walking by, minding your own fucking business. It's a beautiful day to be alive, and there's a guy with a sign that says, pee on me, right? And you got 20 minutes till the bus gets there, right? You're going to sit there and go, should I pee on this motherfucker? Every guy in this room is going to sit there and go, I've never peed on a guy before and may be gay, but if they do it a certain way, it's not gay. You know what I'm saying? Like if you pee like you're eating like a calls junior burger, like then you're fucking gay. But if you're peeing on them and like holding your cock like you're angry, like fuck you, cocksucker, drink it, bitch. Then you're not gay. You're a fucking, you know, homo sapiens. You hate gay people. Whatever the fuck it is.

This is Joey after one drink. This is Joey after three drinks, bitch. Three? All right. This is Joey after I had a chibo chew at 11 o'clock, which, which hit me, which hit me at like one o'clock. Give me a get so high and then I'll put you in a headache. Like I could smell gasoline. Like I, it was like, that's how high I was talking to this guy. Then I went home and I stopped at Divine Wellness and I got like a anti Dolores Brownie treat that was 120 milligrams and I popped that because I had to prepare for your people. Listen, the Yankees go to spring training. You follow me? That's what I did this afternoon. I want the spring training to be ready for your people this afternoon. I'm like, I'm not like some people that fucking don't want to get ready

for the people who come up here on Wednesday night. You motherfuckers got to get up tomorrow and go to work. So I got to sacrifice a little bit for you. I got to show you I'm on your side too. You know what I'm saying? Seriously Yankees of weed smokers? No, I'm what I'm saying is who's got the edibles? Let me bring up, bring a cookie for Lee. That's making me the fucking pot cookie or fucking bring him. Give him an edible right now. Fuck this motherfucker up right now. We got an, I got an ambulance on speed dial. I got an ambulance on speed dial. Give him a fucking edible. Fuck this motherfucker up. And that's all I'm trying to do people. When you hear the podcast and I go off on Lee, I go off on Lee because he needs somebody to go off on him. He needs

somebody to go off on him. His mommy comes take some out for cheeseburgers and shit. You know what I'm saying? Once a year, my mom comes in. Stop twice. You got to fuck up the podcast. We had to wait till seven o'clock to do it because you got to drive it to the airport. You put your mother on an airport like everybody else. You understand? You put that bitch on there with 15 fucking people who stick in the morning with bad breath. You ever get an airport in the morning? It's like a festival of bad breath. It's so fucking bad to fly because you saw, you saw in a van that smells like bad breath. Then you get to the airport, you check in and you go to the men's bathroom. You go to the men's fucking bathroom at the airport at eight in the morning. It smells

like a festival of shit in there. It's like a tornado of farts that just goes to the bathroom. You're trying to piss. You can't even breathe because it's fucking up the little hairs in your lungs. You can feel them. You're in there going, ah, ah, and this little tornado of shit. So how did we get on this shit, man? I have no idea. I'm going to bring up the first guest. He's my main man. He's my doctor. Let's give him some love, Mr. Frank Burdici and shit. I think he's outside. I'll go get him. He might have fucking left and shit like that. He might have said, fuck it. Go get him.

Yeah, we got to get an edible for this guy to get him started. You know what I'm saying? Dr. Frank, the man in the hour, get him up here. I heard you were trying to call me. Yes, sir. None wrong with that. None wrong with that. Give it up for my doctor, Dr. Frank coming down here. Before we get started, Doc, how old are you? Truth. The truth. He's a real young kid. Who gives a fuck? 64. Dr. Frank Burdici, chemistry. Chemistry and drugs, people. Give us a background, Doc. Just let

these motherfuckers know what's going on. Penn State, the Hammers. No, not the fucking song, you know, that the resume grew up in Connecticut in inner city. Catholic schools like you, nuns, priests, family, all the kids hung out together, high school, college, play football. Penn State had a minor problem with seven concussions in one year. Did you play for Paterno? Yeah. Oh, shit. How was that? I didn't say I played with Paterno. No, up for Paterno. How was it? It's great. He's a great coach. That's awesome. It was different. And you know, Zandusky wasn't around then, so. No. Actually, he would have never existed around then. You don't think so? No, not a chance. What do you think has changed? I think more people don't

really kind of step in much anymore, because for sure, somebody would have done it. For sure. Somebody would have, actually, a coach would have done it, not even, but the players would have been on him, too. I didn't mean to interrupt, but it's Paterno's fucking crazy. That's not, that's not. No, I mean, yeah, Paterno got old. Yeah, that's true. He just got too old. He shouldn't have been coaching. So continue. Sorry. You really think that that was 30 years ago? That thing with Zandusky wouldn't have, yeah. We'll go with the 40 years. 40 years ago. I remember situations growing up that were, could have gone in that direction, and somebody did something about it. Pretty fast. It was pretty funny. I think I was having a conversation with Lee today. Was it today with

you about, I never got molested? Oh, yeah. No, no, no. And you think about this shit, you know, you think about, you know, maybe you're an ugly kid, you know, there's a lot of fucking, there's a lot of options here, but you think about it, you know, and I think about like my mother, my mother was such a powerhouse, like she wouldn't let people touch my face. You always stress it. Don't let somebody touch your face. And she would always put jewelry on me when I lived on 88th Street. In the 70s, she put gawky jewelry on me, gold. And she'd say, don't touch it. I think she'd put it on me to, for me to acknowledge it, that not to let me touch. So I had this body language and only one person only, one time I was playing basketball in the winter, and there was no

buses in Jersey City. And I got in the car and the guy, I had a basketball and he hit the basketball, he goes, that's a great ball you have. You know, and that's the only time ever, you know, and it's weird. Like you think about now people come out and go, I got molested. It was a different time then. Well, I think like molestation probably didn't happen, but weird behavior pretty much was tolerated. You know, I mean, don't, didn't you have like relatives that did like weird things that nobody really, I had a cousin, the second cousin, he was an unbelievable baker. He had this very successful bakery, but he would do this. Anytime he spoke to any individual, he'd go, so how are you doing? And he put his finger in your ear. And he'd just be in there going like this. So how's everything,

how are you doing? Listen, I would slap his hand away. Nobody else. I was like six years old, I my grandmother would be there and he'd be going, so naughty. And he'd have a sooner. Now, if you tried to pull your head away, he got you with both fingers like this. Nobody said, nobody said one thing ever, ever, ever for like 30 years. He was doing that. I had a teacher in high school that took us to different basketball games. And he played basketball with us and now thinking about it, like he had the crew cut, he wore like the black sock with the sneakers, you know, those teachers that came, we'd elbow him and he'd drive us to the Rucker League in New York. And now I think back that maybe this guy was a molester. So whenever I see my friends that

hung out with Mr. K, I ask them, Mr. K, have a molest you? And it was so weird, you never molested nobody. So it was kind of weird, like the people I thought were molest you. And sexual harassment now, correct? Like they call like you can't talk about crazy shit in the classroom. When I was in the eighth grade, we had a mayor, a Weehawken, was our eighth grade teacher. His name is Wally Linsley. And every mayor has a guy that does his dirty work and a guy that does his clean work. And the guy that did his dirty work was Todd Jort, Todd, whatever, and he had a wig. That's how I remember him. He had a really bad wig in the 70s. And he'd take us to New York to watch basketball games. And he told me one time, like four of us on the ride home, because if you guys have a winning

season, I'm gonna get your dick sucked and laid. And when you're 13, you can't wait to get your dick sucked. And you can't wait to get laid. You know what I'm saying? And no, no, no. And he, this guy stuck to his fucking word. He shows up like two weeks after we graduate eighth grade with this dirty old woman. We're like 14, 15. This chick had to be 61. She was a playmate like 1949. She was all fucked up, like all fucked up. She's drunk. And he's like, come here guys, circle around. He's like, who wants to fuck the first in the backseat? And we're all looking at each other like, I don't know, I got to go home. People like, I'm, I feel that that's weird behavior. Don't throw you in fucking jail now. If you're an eighth grade coach and try to give your play a

little nookie cookie. Different time. It is a fucking different time. You're talking about like wigs. So I get back, I was in the Olympics, hurt my back. I come back to this town of Waterbury, Connecticut. And we I opened this gym with this guy named Chippy Manson on his father with the local mafia. So we put the gym on the ground floor and up above was the Favale Generale Italian American club with all these guys. We didn't even put a lock on the door. Nobody bothered or anything, right? But one of the guys that came there, this kid, this guy, Artie Mysteric. Artie Mysteric was bald, but he wore four different wigs. One was just that one that looks like it lands on your head. That's, you know, that's horrible. The second one was like

kind of a beetle wig. That was worse. But then he had this one that was like the Elvis. That one wasn't so bad. But the one he looked the best in was, you know, like an Indian wig with the headband. So he started wearing that all the time, but it got like really ratty and it was like cut it. So it would be completely uneven in the back. He cut hair, cut there, cut hair, cut there. He was the guy, I think I told you the story that he, he was really cheap. He lived with his mother. He was 40. He lived with his mother and he didn't have any wheels. So he bought this Ford Econoline van and he goes, I'm going to get it running. So he gets it running and the gym was on the ground like down at the bottom of a hill and I'm halfway up the hill going to get a sandwich

and I see his van coming and I go, you know, you got that thing running unbelievable. I can't even hear it. You know why? Didn't start it. And how much was gas back then? Like 25 cents. He was so freaking cheap that he did not put, he didn't, he didn't start it up. So he gets down the bottom of the hill. I get that. I said, I already, it's running great. He goes, well, I didn't start it yet. Then you had to have bumpers, right? You have to have bumpers. So he gets pulled over by the police. He has no bumpers. He cut two tree limbs down, took the bark off, drilled holes, and that was the front and rear bumper. It's work. I already messed up. You grew up with some fucking weird people. No, you really do. You're living like today I was talking about Cathy Ortiz.

This girl lived next door to me. Cute girl was a Jehovah Witness. She wouldn't stand up for the fucking national anthem in the morning and you never seen a girl get more bullied than that. Like everybody's complaining about getting bullied. This fucking girl would not get up in Jersey and she was Spanish. You want to talk about fucking balls? So you can't, I guess during the national anthem, you can't salute the flag. They would throw everything at this girl, papers, bricks, and it was like, what are we going to throw at Cathy today? They would throw birds out of dead fucking animals. Hubba bubba, we chew hubba bubba, like a whole fucking piece of hubba bubba and whip it at this bitch. She never cried once. She never tapped out. She never talked

about getting bullied. She didn't hang herself. People were fucking different then. You know what I'm saying? Speaking of wigs, who watched the fucking, the Liberace show the other night? Was that fucking creepy? How fucking creepy was that? And there's people like that in Hollywood that they'll suck your dick and then they want you to turn into plastic surgery and look like them and shit. That is fun. And you know what's crazy? Like now, and I don't mean to insult nobody, there's two generations in this country. There's the gay generation, there's the faggots. Me and Frank, we grew up with faggots. They're old gay guys that you're going to suck their dick. They're going to find the way. And not by, they don't even touch you or give you a fucking sleeping pill

or one of those roofies. They just look you in the eye and tell you, you're going to suck my dick. And then they got the gay guys and they're just gay to go out in bold in Hollywood and oh my god and they do all this shit. You think Liberace did, oh my god, Liberace would just look at you motherfucker and invite you over. You want to hear me play the piano? When Liberace played the piano from you, you were going to suck his dick. That meant it was stage four cancer. You're going down bitch. You're at the stage full of cock sucking. You didn't want to do it, but it's too late now. They got you at the compound, you know what I'm saying? It's over.

You ever run into a creepy guy like that, a gay guy in Hollywood, anybody, Lee, anybody? No. The creepiest thing I have is you telling girls the shit in my face. How about you doc? I know you- You mean in Hollywood? In Hollywood, like Hollywood is so fucking crazy when you watch Liberace, you're thinking to yourself, I can see somebody who makes a million dollars a fucking month. Can you imagine you made a million dollars a month? How would you fucking act? How the fuck would you act? You see a girl you want, you just go up to her. There's no feelings involved. You're just going up to listen.

I'm going to suck your pussy tonight. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Yes, I fucking am. How do I know? Watch this. The Bentley pulls up with a black guy. He gets out, get in the car, we'll put you in the trunk. You gotta have a yo trunk. I know all the cops in Pasadena. This could be hard or this could be easy, you know what I'm saying? I'll tell you, either you can suck my dick legitimately or you're going to wake up like in your indexed living room. You'll wake up, you're wrapped up and shit. They got syringe in your neck, you're going down, motherfucker. But you didn't know that when you were back east. About what?

No, Hollywood is just different. When you first came to Hollywood, you got freaked out, right? Well, no, no. Before I left in 1984, I had a teacher and his name was George McGrath and he smoked camel cigarettes. The ones without filters. So his fucking face was orange. His fingers were orange from the nicotine and his job was, he was a white guy. His job was to bring coke to expensive people at night. You know, it's not a Puerto Rican show. I'm like, what's up, dog? Yo, man, hurry up. No, this guy shut up with a fucking tuxedo. You know, he was a salesman and he brought me to some people's house one night that had Paris blues. That was the equivalent to a quailude in the seventies and it was like a bunch of gay guys

like a quailude barrage, like 10 of them. You know, like I blacked the fuck out. I had to get the hell out of there. But once they get into that clientele, they get crazy. It's like anybody else. If I give a normal guy a million dollars a month to spend, like that guy in Boogie Nights that had the Chinese guy lighting firecrackers from, I would definitely have that guy at my house. Right or wrong. What do you need to know? What do you need? 30,000 a year, you light firecrackers, eight to five. There's some overtime involved. I'll get your dental. I can't get your health professor. I'll get your dental. You get fucking creepy. So can you imagine being a gay guy and getting that fucking creepy? He had wigs. He would buy your jewelry. He would buy your own house in

Palm Springs and just keep you there. That's a fucking party, dog. You didn't have that back in New Jersey? No, I didn't have it like that. I never met, I met gay guys that would walk around with a robe. Listen, when you're a man and you walk around with a robe, that means everybody's sucking your dick. Okay? If you walk around with a robe all day and slippers, what do you give a fuck? That means that people come over you like you're sucking my dick. No, I'm not. You're showing me a bank of the box. You see that? You're sucking my dick. You understand? Yes, that's 19 zeros. You're sucking it. And you're sucking it good with both hands. You're going to squeeze the balls. Hong Kong, you're doing the whole fucking thing.

She would discuss your, when you first came to see me, you came in for a certain thing, right? Right. Some hormone replacement. Right. We can talk about that. Yes, absolutely. All right. Come to the scene for hormone replacement. Good candidate, great. Everything feels great. And then he heard his calf and I said, you want me to check that for you? He goes, oh, no, I got somebody doing it. I got somebody doing it. Then my receptionist buzzes me and go, what's wrong with Joey Diaz? I go, what's the matter? He's on the phone. He's looking for a chiropractor. I go, huh? You see me for six months. You don't know I do that. Six months. He's like hobbling around. And then he goes, oh, you do that. I didn't know he was a chiropractor.

It's right in the door. I knew there was a, I knew there was a chiropractor there somewhere close by with my name. I didn't know you were the chiropractor. You know, when you, when you were a fucking doctor now, when you were kids, there was one fucking doctor, right? In the office, one fucking guy. And then there was sex secretaries all dressed nice. And you went into a room and the doctor came and he checked your balls, they fucking left. Now things are rough. So they mix and match. It's like, it's like MMA. You know what I'm saying? You just don't go to a karate school no more. They got karate, yoga and fucking. So when you go to Dr. Bredici's always got the acupuncture, you got the Chinese guy, Jimmy Lou. You got the fucking acupuncture. You got the other guy that

does the bones and the hurt. And you got the doctor. I knew somebody was a chiropractor. You're so high by the time you leave the house, you're not reading anything. When I go, listen, on Wednesdays, I got to be careful. That's why I don't eat an edible before I go see Dr. Bredici because I got a needle in my ass. And that's the worst. Like I got last year, I got a needle in my ass and I almost fainted. Today I almost fainted. I didn't do it. No, you didn't do it. And the guy's great. It was just that it stung and it stung for a while and I stopped breathing. Once I stopped breathing, you give me the needle. That's when I start seeing spots and shit. Well, you are the only person that lays down with their headphones on

to get a needle because I don't want to hear the rapper. You know what I'm saying? Because they come in and break the rapper. I don't want to hear no of that shit. That's what gets me all fired up and all hard. The best is when I get there, they walk around with the needle in their hands. And I got to make believe, like I'm not looking at that. And they're all talking to me like, how are you? How's your day? It's like a fucking cigarette. And I'm like, stop with that fucking needle in my hand. Tell the truth. When I come in, I hide it. You don't even see it. No, I don't even see it. I got it palmed over here. It's out of the rapper and it's boom, boom, boom. It's done, right? Done. He's the best. What do you listen to?

Listen, if you got to get blood taken, there's two jams. There's three. There's two and a half with an honorable mention. There's Santana or you come over. There's the Foo Fighters. There's a best of you and the fucking honorable mention, Elton John, Benny and the motherfucking Jets. You know what I'm saying? God damn. Because when you're starting to think, you're thinking of him, he's taking it in the ass. You just got to meet him. And he's like, buh, buh, buh, Benny, buh, buh, buh, buh, Benny, buh, buh, buh, Benny. You're like, fuck it. This guy's a soldier. You know what I'm saying? Let me just, I'm very, I trust him with all my heart. The first time I walked in there,

he talked to me about the possibility of an ego and I told him no. But once I get a trust for you, I'll let you do whatever the fuck in the world you follow. I'm that type of guy with my doctors and that's why I continue. I go to acupuncture every Tuesday at 1.30. I don't give a fuck what you have going on. Unless you're paying me, I go to acupuncture because it's a fear I'm overcoming. And every once in a while, I almost faint and I get myself out of it, but I got to tell you the follow up story because I don't want you guys to think I'm just a fucking retard here, which I am. When I was a kid, I had this doctor that came over. His name was Orlando Delvalle. All right, this was 71, 72. This is when doctors make house calls for 35 bucks.

And before they left, they gave you prescription and they left you a needle and a thing of penicillin. Okay? Okay. So your mom could shoot you. Listen, you don't have to come down tomorrow. This is easy. Just draw it and stick it anywhere. Just stick it in his fucking eye. I don't give a fuck. All right, his name. He's a Cuban doctor, Orlando Delvalle. And he would come over and my mother and my stepfather would be home. My mother used to bump. She'd do a couple of bumps to cope. This is the 70s on 88th Street. So Delvalle would come in, he'd come into the room and he'd go, what's the matter with you when I'd say I'm sick? And he'd go, yeah, you need a needle. But Delvalle would love when I would go, let me think about it. Because then he'd go out to living room with my

mother and do a couple of bumps and drink on a house call. I wish I was lying to you, motherfucker. So 30 minutes later, he'd walk in. And I didn't know. And he'd be like, no. And I cried and they'd have to hold me down. My mother would give me a beating and then he'd shoot me to have a bruise on my ass for a week. And then he'd leave my mother a syringe. One time my mother shot me in a fucking restaurant at a restaurant. I wouldn't drink milk. She poured the milk on my head with the ice cream. And then she's like, Oh, you're sick. Get in the fucking bathroom. And I remember choking in the fucking bathroom. Because she's like bent over

out fucking sticking in your stomach. I don't give a fuck. And I remember I had a need. I had a purple thing on my ass for a week. So after my mom died, I made us lose a thing. I ain't never gonna need again. Look at I used to take my own teeth out with a fucking wrench. Okay, I'm one of those sick fucks. So you don't know how much I love your friend. You have no fucking idea that I go every Tuesday, every Wednesday, religiously 1030. And I used to dread it. Now it's just a part of the day for me. I go in there and this is what I stress in this podcast to overcome your fucking fears because now you're not really living. You're not fucking living. I don't want to jump out of a helicopter. The most the most important fear to me was a fucking needle. Because dog, if I love

Lee, I love Frank. If right now we were fucking around here, and Frank got up or Lee and he cut their hand on this, I would fucking faint. Especially if I like you, especially if I care for you. So I don't want you guys to say, well, Joey's a half a fag. No, there's background to this. There's therapeutic. A cocaine doctor used to shoot me. You follow me? And then I got prescription as I got older. He was my family doctor. And when I turned 15, he used to say to me, can you get me cocaine? And I'd say, absolutely. So I would trade him coke for steroids, for adivar, for my buddies. But he had a son. It was the 80s. And he had a son that was gay and got caught up in drugs. And he was stealing the prescriptions and he lost his license. But guess what, mother fuckers?

He's in Miami. He's 80 years old. And I still call him once a month out of respect for all the shit he put up with me for. You follow me? That's how I roll. Because he used to put up. And when I call him still, he still goes, oh, Antonio, stop. So because he used to put up with a lot of my shit for years, man. So I love you, doc. And no more 10 minute prostate exams. Oh, wait, you give him a prostate exam? No, I don't. No, I don't do it. No, I gotta send you up here. No, there was no machine. This guy had a finger stuck two fingers in my and block me against the wall. There's two ways of fucking sometimes you pick up their legs and you go like this, right? Let me show this. But sometimes you're high on coke, you're drunk, and you get evil. And you

don't want to fuck it. You want to like destroy the pussy. You want to you want to condemn it. You want to you want to do it. You want to paint it red, like Clint Eastwood and the good, the bad. So you fuck it with anger, you like crush the pussy. But you got top control, you're inside control. You're trying to put their weight on me. You do that evil shit. This is what this doctor did to me. A finger in the ass is a glove, and they put a finger in the ass and they go, everything's okay. This motherfucker put the finger in. And then as I was like this, he caught in me, he was like, all right, I got to put it all away. And he stuck and he put his weight on me and shit. And I was, but what really pissed me off about the

whole meeting was I had toilet paper on my dick, right? Because I'm on circumcised and I went to pee and I wanted to clean up the pee because he made me pee in the cup. See, I thought you were going to send me to your buddy who was just going to look at me and go, you know, like when you go for a weed license, you are, I got anxiety. I see Puerto Ricans at night. And the medical marijuana doctor, look at you and go, okay, you're eligible with this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying, right? You go to medical marijuana, you can tell him anything, dog. Bro, I get flashbacks of Vietnam. Okay. Okay, let me take your blood pressure. He's not even taking your blood pressure. Well, I went to see, I thought it was the same thing. So I washed, I took a shower and everything.

I was prepared. I didn't have underwear on. They always tell you go to get underwear on. I don't wear underwear to see you because you're going to shoot me in the ass. I don't give a fuck. I got a pimple on my ass too. I was lucky. He didn't come out to that. I like, I like, I like a boil on my ass. I'd have my wife pop it last night because I always make her check my ass before I go to the doctor. You don't want to walk in there with a pimple on your ass, like a whitehead. You've got a strip club and the stripper got a whitehead on her ass and you, and you can't focus. I love it. I love it. You can't focus. You can't focus. You're like, I'll give her a dollar when I want to pop that pimple because it's one of those tight whiteheads that

you know is going to go pop and your, your fingers going to have like that. I don't want to go to the doctor's office with a whitehead on my ass. So every Wednesday I tell my wife, check my ass, make sure I got no. You didn't have a good meeting with Adam? Huh? Adam, he, you didn't have a good meeting. I had a great, he was a great doctor. I thought you enjoyed that. No, he was a great doctor. But the way he fingered me was, it was fucking brutal. Like it was brutal. It hurt me. Like he fingered me hard. Then he courted me and he stuck it in there and felt around to make sure. I mean, he did a good exam. You know, I mean, that's what you're looking for. I was, I was fucked. My ass was fucked up for like four days. I got, you made another appointment for this week.

Why? No, I didn't make another point. I don't want to see that motherfucker ever again. And you got to go. You got the sad thing is you really got to go every six months, right, Doc? Yeah. Once a year. Yeah. After 50. Yeah, because that there's a test called PSA and it's not that accurate. So you really need that. Yeah, should be six months for health matters. If you're, if you're taking hormone replacement, you really want to do it every six months. And doc, how long should you stay on hormone replacement forever? Till somebody thinks of something better. Right now, you know, you're on it. You know, you need it. You need it. You know, something will come along and it'll, you know, take its place. But right now, if you're low into testosterone as a male, you need to take

testosterone. I got 30 year old guys coming in now that are low into testosterone. Not like us, you know, we're old. We don't really need it. We just take it because, you know, you're 64. You look like a million bucks. There's a lot of half people here at 30. What advice do you have for them? Because hey, listen, you get to do plastic surgery, do all this shit, or you could just be young, you know, or you could just be the fuck young. I'm 50, but I'm young. This kid keeps me young. You motherfuckers keep me young, you know. But what's the best advice you have for somebody who's 30, 40, doc? Attitude. You have a good attitude. And you have to have moderation. Anybody that says, I don't ever do that, there's going to be a problem, right? Somebody goes,

I fucking do that all the time. That's a problem. So you can't, you can't get like blasted every single day. And it's moderation. Everything is, see, when we grew up, when I grew up, TV was only on at night because there was only three stations and they only really ran at night. Remember these turn off at one? Tell these motherfuckers what happened at 10 to one. You heard the national anthem. National anthem on the three. One in the fucking morning. There's only three networks, ABC, NBC and CBS. That's it. And then it's off. And this test thing came on. It looked like a star. It was on and then it come back on at six o'clock in the morning. I get up at three in the morning with my daughter fucking SpongeBob SquarePants is fucking on and daughter fucking explorers on the

other channel. I mean, it's amazing. You know, when I was growing up, you get up at fucking one, nothing. You just sat there, sat there and the TV goes, nothing. It's fucking amazing. Doc, it's great to be, I mean, it's great to be young now. It's just we had more opportunity to interact with people. There's less interaction now, right? You're texting. You know, I mean, I got emergency room doctors. Okay, patients in the hour, they're texting me. Sometimes I got to text them back. Wouldn't be nice to talk to them. Your patient is running, you know, bleeding out of his text. I got to read the text. So everybody texts now. Nobody interacts, right? So it's less personal. But I had to learn to text because my daughter used to text

me and I text her back, call me. She never called. I still can't. I call people back when they text me. If they fucking matter and I get it, because a lot of times I don't see it. Then they don't pick up. The guy just called me. Where is he? Only in LA do people not pick up. No, they text and they call you eight hours later. What you call me eight hours ago, cop sucker? I just check my messages, right? Eight out. I won't leave a message. I'll just, if the new phone, you could tell somebody fucking called you. So you call somebody, they know, call you back. They call you back eight hours later. What's up? I don't have fucking a clue. I called you at 10.01. It's 6.15. That's a thousand mind fucks ago. That's,

I could have called you about a movie. I could have called you about a cheeseburger. I could have called you about anything. Where's my man, Josh Wolf? Where's Josh? Where is he? He's coming. Let's get this bad motherfucker up here, too. Coming to the stage, my little brother, Josh Wolf, get him up here. I didn't know Josh is from Boston. What? Yeah, you didn't know that? Then Texas, then Seattle, he's all over the place. All over the place. You got it when you do comedy. We're talking about raising children. Okay. He's pretty strict. I heard you talk about your fear of needles. Did you talk about how scared you are of blood, too? What a pussy. I mean, he's not exaggerating. A drop of blood.

A drop? If you had a drop of blood right here, he would pass the fuck out. I would die. He would pass out. I fainted at a UFC. At a UFC when they picked up the towel. When I saw blood on the towel and then I fainted when a BJ Penn fought Joe Lowe's on until he broke his fucking head. I fainted on the couch. I woke up like a four in the morning. What the fuck? You know, I will faint at the drop of a hat if I let it take me. It's a process. It takes you, you know? If I'm from A to B, if I realize it and I start breathing, then I bang it out. Like I've had an ear infection lately from flying. Oh, and when I go to the gym, I can't hear myself breathing. You want to talk about fucking anxiety. Those pictures you put on Twitter, have you seen the pictures of him high on the

airplane? With the fucking camera this far away from his face. The first thing I think is how fucking high does he look? And the second thing I look is thinking, man, who the fuck is sitting next to him? Because if he sat down next to me with looking like he looked when he's high, I'd be like sweating like he does. I'd be like, this guy's gonna fucking die. He's gonna die on the plane next to me. Did he tell you about his trip to Miami? Did he tell you about the plane right to Miami? I take my shirt off in first class. No, you did not. No, you did not. It's first class. Next to a gay guy with those goggles on? Yeah. And he was sleeping like, oh my God. Why did you take your picture? I was so fucking high, Josh. It was pathetic high. And I ate like

two jolly ranchers and I drank. Have you seen the water? No. Have you guys seen the fucking vitamin water now? Wait, there's there's weed water. Weed vitamin water now. So I drank the vitamin water I got on the 405 South about 10 o'clock at night, which is nobody on there. Listen, when you're high, you want traffic because you do 10 miles an hour, you follow me. When you get on there at 930, there's not a car on there and you're in the HOV doing 80. And you're just like, do I fit between these lines? I have a fucking Subaru and I'm like, do I fit between these lines? And I get to the Delta place, I check in, everything's fine. Delta's racist. I'd never say this about anybody, but I don't care if you're racist, I usually like you. They're fucking racist. And they're anti fucking

spicked because if you fly to Miami or South America, they don't let you fly to terminal five, they make you walk out of terminal six and it gets all yellow. And they have like parrots and he has Spanish music and shit. And that's when the THC started hitting me. Like I said, they had coconut water for sale and shit. I'm like, I get on the fucking plane and everything's all right. And also I think I sat over the engine and it was hot and fuck. And I just started sweating guys. And you know, like all this over here starts sweating like from everywhere. I can feel the beads coming up on my head 20 minutes in and it's an hour and I'm still sweating. By two in the morning, the flight was a red eye. It left at 11, 10. By two in the morning, I was just sweating. The shirt

was drenched. The back was dry. I couldn't even saw my leather because the shirt was so wet. So I said, fuck it. I just took the shirt off and put the blanket up to my stomach like a fucking Samoan in first class. And the lady would walk by and she'd go, hi, oh my god. I just kept giving me water. That's how much I was sweating. I got off the plane in Miami at five. I was that early. You got to get luggage and a call the ride to come get you. As I walked the fucking outside, something made me get like a like something on my pocket. I had two inches of sweat around my jeans. That's how much fucking I sweat that night. I was dehydrated on that fucking plane. The T.A.T. killed me and I swore I would never eat another edible again, but

then I went to sleep and woke up and there I was, you know, so. On a flight, you know, I fly every weekend now for stand-up and I fart a lot on planes for whatever reason. Plane, for whatever reason. As soon as I sit on a plane, I'm like, I got a fart, right? And so a couple weeks ago, I was doing a heavy protein and I was basically farting death. It was like, it was like, you know that smell of death? It was like that smell was coming out of my asshole, right? So when you eat sushi, the shit goes away, but the root of the fucking nasty that stays on it. It's farts where you like, you almost apologize to the person. You're sitting next to you like, I'm really sorry about that. You know what I mean? Like, I thought I was going to have to refund

some people's tickets. I'm like, you're going to, you're going to take it. And man, I don't know what happened to your makeup, but you're going to need to take it. Like, I was fucking slow. It's a red eye and I, you know, you can fart on a plane without anybody knowing you're farting because you just push it into the cushion. You know what I mean? And the cushion is like, it's like a fart purse. It holds all your farts for you until you want to let them go. You just got to let them go. It holds them for you until you want to share them with your friends, right? So I was killing this plane, guys, fucking killing this plane. And I felt bad for everybody. And it was a red eye. So people were either asleep or fucking knocked out. I don't know what it was,

but they were until the guy in front of me does this, right? I didn't realize how much I was killing the plane. The guy must have had enough. The guy in front of me goes like this. Hey, whoever's doing that, you stop it right now. And then he said the thing that was the best line I've ever heard. He goes, this is a public plane. Guys, I was fucking dying, dying. So all I could think of to do was this. Yeah. Dude, I was wrecking that plane. I really thought it was going to be like, when that plane landed in JFK, I thought it was going to be like a JJ Abrams pilot, you know, like a TV show,

like the plane lands and then people get on the plane, but everybody's dead and the oxygen tanks are down. I thought it was going to be a death flight. It was not the best because I was a fat fuck, but I would eat whey protein. Somebody would give me those bars. The best person to fight next is Joe Rogan. Hands down if you're going to fight. Because he gets on a plane and he has got that sleep disorder where he just falls asleep. Like Joe gets on a plane, puts his shit away. And also he's looking at the window. Also it's like, and that's when I go to work. That's when I do my best. Once you fall asleep with that mouth open, I don't fall into the cushion. I position my asshole so it bounces off the cushion and goes up.

I took two years of geometry so I had no angles. You know what I'm saying? I know backboards and shit. Like if I'm on here with Bredici, I would never do this. This amateur shit. That's Puerto Rican shit. You got a shit like this, like a rectangle, see? So the fart can't go nowhere. I got the fart inside control. It ain't going nowhere. The fart's got to go this way. It blasts off the seat. Some particles go straight. But for the most part, I'll surround this guy with the... And I'll never forget he was passed out. And he would just do this and go... Then about 10 minutes later, the farting on that flight was so good, he wrote a blog about it.

And I got like two million hits about him waking up and Antonio Pandaris was helping these blind kids learn how to dance. And I'm blasted. There's nothing better than farting and getting like, I had a bad attack. I didn't shift like a week and got on the plane to Houston one time and I was killing this plane to the point where when I got all people going, thank God, that fucking flight... Jesus, I couldn't take it no more. Oh my God, man. And as a human being, like if you're normal, like you people, nice people, you feel bad about it. Like, oh my God, I'll never eat cream cheese again. A pig like me, once you react to my fart, like once I see this shit or this shit, that just... Or this here. I love it when they do this. Yeah, when they do this.

Because my farts are hot. Like the cabin will get 10% hotter once I... People start sweating and shit. So, I mean, I love it. But the best was I got the luggage. And at the luggage, people were still like, like they were still fucked up. And at luggage, I blasted another one, right? And now people are furious. They're holding onto their faces. And there was a lady with a kid and people were looking at the kid and she's like, my child? And she picked the kid up and smelt his ass. And she goes, no, it's not him. And I'm like, yes, it is that cock sucker. Well, fat nasty motherfucker. It's him. You, you, you have the worst fucking farts of all. And you know what? When he... Listen, he, believe it or not, Joe Diaz used to be my babysitter.

Joe Diaz, Joe Diaz watched... The best babysitter. He watched my kids. There was one time... Now, do you still not wear underwear? Okay. So, so he, he babys... I was at, I was at the house and he used to spend all the... We lived in, I lived in an apartment in Hollywood. He'd be at my house all the time. And he, all my kids were around. My daughter was maybe six at the time and he bent over to pick something up. And now when he bends over, there's a lot of ass. And there's a lot of hair in the crack of that ass. So he bends over to pick something up. My daughter ripped some hair out of his ass crack. Ripped hair out of his ass crack. And she said, how many?

And he said, oh, it felt like six that time. And I said, that time, you mean you do this a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the sum of the shit, he, here's what I, I, I always considered Joe, like Joe always, I would explain him as a moral criminal. Because he would come over to my house. And if there was $40 on my table, he may lift it. But then he would take me out to lunch with my $40. But then he would tell me, you get to lunch next time. I'm like, I'm pretty sure I got it this time. We were outside talking about a time when we were, I lived in a guest house and I woke up on Monday, I go on a living room. It's just me and him talking about the weekend. And I had this

stripper crazy fucking girl for these to beat up all the time, tire up. Piana, it was fucking great, right? So he goes, I got a hit of ecstasy left though, it was eight in the morning. You know me, guys, fuck it, you got to set the day off, right? You got, there's none on your agenda. So I said, give me the hit of ecstasy. I popped the ecstasy and I forget about it. I go down to Swanee's and I see a bunch of people and then she calls me and she goes, come down and give me a stabbing. So we're got restraining orders on each other at the time, right? And I go down there and I'm fucking her in the middle of fucking her. I hear boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Seattle police. So I'm like, don't open the door. She's like, I have to, they're at the door, they're banging. So

I hide under the bed. Wait, now you know the best part of that story, right? The cops come in with their guns drawn. Where are you? And they look at the bed and the bed's going up and down for me breathing. His girlfriend goes, Joey, head under the bed. It looked like the bed was breathing. And what happened was we had restraining orders on us. So the dumb stripper told her neighbor, if you see Joey, call the cops. So she saw me and when they get the cops take me in with no shirt and they put me, they put me with those rubber bands around. So I'm on the fucking criminal bus with no shirt on. Horny as a motherfucker. But the ecstasy hadn't hit me yet. The ecstasy didn't hit me until I got to the holding tank. I'm like, man, it's hot in here. This is, oh my God.

Asking, asking guys in jails for a hug. When they, when they fingerprinted me, it was fucking great. You got to do this again, man. That was fantastic. You used to call me, you have a collect call from King County Jail. That was fantastic. But you, I've never seen you so thin when you were in jail. Dude was down like 195. Yeah, hydrates dog. Yeah. That's that prison diet, weight watches that keep you unchecked. And even if you eat chocolate, like you get all the food at night, like cookies, you still lose weight because you get those little meals. It really teaches you how to eat. So when you go on weight watches, that's all it is. It's a county jail diet. It's one egg,

you know, because if you're home, you eat six eggs. But when you're in county jail, you eat one egg and the cooler you realize that motherfucker goes a long way. You know what I'm saying? Now, what year was that? 98. 98. Yeah. I met Josh in 95 in Seattle. I was fresh from a divorce. I was fucking crazy. Yeah, you get divorced. You get fucking speaking, which you were telling us the story outside. What did he do to you for a minute? We used to, we try, we were on the road together as me and Joey and a guy Roseburg, Roseburg, Oregon. Yeah. If we go to Roseburg, Oregon, across the street from the Cal Lunes, we performed was a strip club where the stripper was the DJ, the waitress and the host. Okay. And by the way, and the bouncer and the bouncer.

And she would change outfits for everything. So when you walked in the evening, welcome to the strip club. Yeah, over here. And they're like, I need a drink and she come back as the way my special tonight is white tap on rock. I'm like, where's the dancer? She'll be right out. And there's like, let me pop that pimple on your ass. And all of a sudden she come on whatever. I'm the bouncer. You got to go now. Disgusto. Lots of time. We did Roseburg, Oregon. We get in there and we didn't know that a lady brought a bunch of fucking crazy kids to the show. So I do a fucking crazy joke or whatever. No, no, no, no, no, not crazy kids. She brought a retarded kid to the show.

Not retarded or retarded kids plural. Yeah. And we in one of us said the word retarded. And she was like, you said it and she blamed it on him. Yeah. And then she was like, you shouldn't know. You shouldn't have said retarded. There was a retarded kid. My brother retarded. My question was, would you fucking bring a retarded kid to a comedy show for? Whose fault is that? And plus they didn't understand what I was saying. Don't worry about it. But by the way, they didn't. We gave them some pudding. They were fine. After the show, we go out for drinks. Me, him, and a guy named Lenny Schmidt. And there was a girl at the table with us. And the best way for me to describe her is she looked like Joey with a wig, right? So I get up and go to the bathroom. Now I come back,

Joey and Lenny are gone. Joey with a wig still there. And I go, where's where Joey and Lenny? And she goes, oh, they left. I go, what, they coming back? She goes, no, no, no, no, no. Joey sold you for a bag of weed. I said, I said, wait, what do you mean sold me? She was like, oh, no, no, you're mine. I paid a bag of weed for you for the night. And I said, I said, what do you mean? She said, Joey asked if I had any weed. And I said, yes. And he said, how much? And I said, if you leave your friend, you can have it. And he said, deal, grab his keys and left. So this girl, this woman is, I'm like, well, listen, and this is pre cell phone. So I'm like, I had a pager, but that wasn't doing me any good. I was like, you got to take me back to the hotel.

And she was like, no, no, no, you're mine for the night. I'm like, you got to take me back to the hotel. And she goes, okay, now I didn't know where the fuck I was going. And so she drives me and we pull up to her house. She pulls into the driveway. She goes, you can either sleep here in the car for the night, or you can come in. And I was like, well, I'm going to go in and try to use the phone and find out where this hotel is. Come in there with the phone book trying, couldn't remember where hotel we were at. I was calling a bunch of hotels. And as I was trying to find the hotel, this chick who looks like him, not kidding, was walking out in different lingerie modeling it for me. What do you think about this? I'm like, well, I think I can see

your dick. That's what I think about that. It was not good. It was getting very rapey. I'm not kidding. Like it was like, I was thinking she could probably take me. I got some problems. And then right about the time when it was getting a little weird, like she was opening up cabinets in the kitchen, like come look in the cabinet, like that's really fucking weird. I don't know why you want me to. Her roommate came home with her boyfriend. Dude might have taken a step into the apartment or the house. And I walked up and I'd never met him before, never seen him before. And I walked up and I put my hand out like this. I go, dude, listen, man to man, you don't know me. I don't know you. Look what's behind me. And it was that chick in the lingerie. I go,

you got to get me the fuck out of here. And he looked at that chick in the fucking lingerie, looked at his girlfriend. And she said, I got to do this for him. I never knew his name. We never talked in the fucking car. We shared the same story, right? We never talked about it, never looked at each other. And we drove around to a couple of hotels. I get back to the hotel. He smoked all the fucking way. And I wouldn't let him in. He stepped down here. It's Josh who, motherfucker. I don't know Josh. It's so weird that years ago, and I don't mean to put anybody down, I was a big fan of Greg Harald, though years ago I read for his pilot. I love Greg. And years ago I read for his pilot.

And I remember that as I left there, I liked him, but the pilot was shit because had comics. It was about comics hanging out like where Seinfeld hangs out that diner in New York. And I was looking at him like, this is not what comics did at this level of their career. I mean, we robbed the safe. We did a lot of crazy shit. But Josh left. Josh said, I'm leaving September 23rd for LA. So I was going to come down. I didn't think I was talented enough to come down. So I was going to stay up there. And I got a job working for a computer company, selling pizzas. It was a new company that, because all the computer companies up there were a football game of beyond. And also they put special at Domino's and you could order a

pizza on a computer. I put them together, pay me 15 an hour to call pizza places. Now, Josh was gone already. And I had this stripper girlfriend who was fucking crazy. But this time I had gone in and out of jail. I got arrested four times to one year. And we had this black friend named Rico who said he was from the Bronx and he was a criminal black. And he had a spider on his fucking face. Drilled in. I went with him to a white town to one of those Montana towns to do comedy where they'd never seen a black person. I'm just sorry. And they hated him. This motherfucker walked in 600 pounds. Not only did they hate him, but he said he was a Buddhist or whatever the fuck. When he prayed, he was a Muslim. So here I'm in fucking, we hate black

people town with this black 600 pound big black guy with a spider on his face. Now the tattoo guys, he had his beard in the shape in the shape of a spider. So he kept telling me. Yeah, no, you think you were thinking a tough spider tattoo? No, he sculpted his beard to look like a fucking spider. And the other side might as well have been a dick because it was not good. So I'm up there alone. Josh was my banker. He used to cast my checks because I had no driver's license, no checking accounts. So whenever I got a check, he'd cast it for me, right? So I got this check for 600 and I have this stripper come by and get me. So I always borrowed money from my, I wouldn't pay it. So there's one time I got to cast this

check and she gives me the 600 dollars. She gives me like a 20. And she goes, you are with me. And I'm in the back seat. I go, Carol, don't start with me. I'll fucking kill you how I feel. So she goes to check his mind. I go, Carol, please don't start with me. I'm on probation. We got restraining orders against each other. I go, Carol, give me the fucking check back. And we're driving. She goes, I'm not going to give it back to you. So I reach over and when I go to grab the check, she rips it. Now I'm an addict. I got cocaine on my mind. She just destroyed my check. So what do I do? I reach over and grab her fucking hair. Like the way I grab that hooker's hair in 79 when I let her wig on fire and I fucking, and I pulled this bitch's

hair all the way back where she had to pull into a car wash. Like, what the fuck are you doing to me? I wasn't going to kill this bitch. I don't give a fuck about 911 of domestic violence. This bitch ripped my check up on a Friday. There's a judge somewhere that'll fucking see where I'm coming from. I ripped her fucking head down. And she's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. We get into the driveway of this thing and she's like, let me go. And I'm like, you motherfucker, I'll fucking kill you. And she's like, please help me. People are washing the car and finally I let her go. And I got half her scalp in my fucking hand. I'm like, I'm going to kill you, bitch. And she starts yelling, ah, call the police. I'm like, police. Oh, no. So I run and there's this club

called The Hurricane, right? Yeah. And there's a movie theater where I seen Pope Fixer. I don't know where I'm at, but I had been there before. So I'm looking around The Hurricane and I go, fuck, there's no, I go inside The Hurricane. I call Rico. I go, Rico, you got to save me, you big black motherfucker. Because he said he was, he was ghetto when he was in, you know, an SWV, whatever, SWA, and, you know, NWA, you know, he was one of those. He was a gangster. How'd you go from SWV? I'm going to fuck, right? But I had sisters with voices, right? I'm selling to you. I'm selling to you. Right. So I'm sitting there eating cheese. I got like three dolls. I got a cheeseburger and Rico's

like, I got to drive my mother to the doctor. I'm like, Rico, I got cops looking for me. Don't fuck around. All right. And by this time, this is Seattle. They had the helicopters out. They had the dogs. They had the cops looking for me. I stick my head out and I'm seeing Carol in a car guiding the cops. There's like eight cop cars with the lights on. So I jump in the dumpster and the garbage dumpster under like this fucking thing and they throw food next to me and I wait there till it gets dark. I'm like, fuck it. I got this. I jump out of the dust. I take the lettuce off my shoulder and shit. I walk up by the movie theater. I'm going to call Gavin to come pick me up and there was like 20 cops hidden in the bushes. They knew and they

fucking arrested me and it was that fucking Rico because I said, Rico, I'm at the hurricane. He pulled up 50 yards from the hurricane. I'm out there going like this. Like I'm wanted by Seattle police. I'm out there drawing. I'm like Tom Hanks in that fucking movie when he got stuck on the island. And Rico's like, hold on. I said, Rico, and then he left me there. So I got stuck in this fucking garbage can. I ended up going to jail for the weekend. Fucking amazing, though. You know, and that wasn't his real name, Rico. What was his real name? Thomas. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. No, but I was like, well, I go, why, why, um,

I asked him, I go, why don't you go by Thomas? And he goes, no, that's not street. And I was like, you have a spider shaved on your face. There's nothing street about that either. And he, dude, he used to like, he had his, I don't know why he thought he was so street. He would wear like a cardigan sweater with the collar popped. Yeah, it was not a good look for him. He was six hour pounds. He was a big guy. He was a big guy. Was that the last time you saw Carol or see her again after that? No, she moved down here. I see the last time I saw Carol down here, we were going to fight on, we were having a fight on not Vista, but Gavin Street. We were in front of Gavin's house in the little house when he was

married and I had a pot roast in my hand and she had mace. And I'm like, I'm going to hit you with this fucking pot roast in the head and I'm throwing quarters out of it. She's like, I'll hit you with the fucking mace, John. But I talked to her the other day. She called, I was telling these guys that she called me about six months ago and she told me she has carpal tunnel syndrome. And she, I go, really? And I wasn't thinking about it. She goes, yeah, I got it from giving hand jobs at the strip club. And she's telling me she's still stripping. She's 43. She's a millionaire and she's still stripping. She's never spent a dime of her own money in her entire life. She'll suck a dick. Yeah. If you see Carol right there right now and go, I want to buy your dinner.

She's hungry. She will go to dinner with you and suck your dick instead of breaking the 20. She don't care if you're three or you're fucking 60. The guy she married to was an 80-year-old Hindu guy and she sucked his dick till he died. And while he was coming, she signed the will. Right. And when he died, it was all hers and she bought a bunch of those gyms, curves for women like before the bottom fell out and she sold the whole region of them and made like, and now she's got like eight houses. Did you fuck her up? She does. She's a dumbest. Carol's got houses all over Michigan. Carol's got houses all over. She's dumb. She's like the president of PTA and she still strips three times a week in like the town next door. This how crazy she is

and she'll suck your dick for 100 and she'll fuck you for 200. And she called one day, she's like, I don't feel good. My throat hurts. I sucked the dick without a condom last week. I'm like, you're the president of the PTA, bitch. You suck the dick without a condom. You're the president of the PTA. What kind of example is that? Now, how long have you been smoking that? You know, I'm sure he is an all or nothing guy. Now listen, he went from never smoking a cigarette in his life. Not kidding. To two packs a day. He didn't, there was no in between. I'm going to try a cigarette. He, is that an exaggeration? That's true. He went from never smoking a fucking cigarette and all of a sudden he would just go like, I'm like, how long have you been smoking a day? How many

of those? I think I'm going to go to like two packs. I'm like, what the fuck? We first started hanging out. He was still smoking a little bit, but he'd left like two pumps off it and throw it away and then you go to the next cigarette. Like he would never finish the cigarette. Wait, but two drags for him, he almost, if you smoke a joint with him, if he takes two drags, that joint is fucking gone. He's like, and it just, I'm like, are you going to fucking put that thing down? It's like you got a third lung for weed. It's not weed, but when I stop something, when I do something, it's all or nothing. Then when I stop it, I stop it. Yeah. Like I went to a party in November. My wife was pregnant. I was smoking cigarettes. I looked in the, in the bottle and I

smoked like eight cigarettes. I said, I ain't smoking no more. No packs, no, nothing. I just stopped smoking. That's fucking crazy. With the blow, 27 years, one night I just stopped. No rehab, no hug, no nothing. I didn't kill nobody. You know, it's like when I make my mind up. But there was, there was twice, I think, here in LA where you talked to me about going into rehab. Over two times that you were like, you may have to drive me somewhere. No, well, there was a rehab on, on Hollywood, on, on, uh, it was on Sunset next to the road backs. It's still there. Yeah. It's like a community type place. I went in there a couple of times, but you know, when you go to rehab, sometimes they pick out a scab, you know, and I have gone there a couple of times and they're

bringing up shit from when I'm six. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Like, it just, it was like they were looking for shit. So I didn't need that. I had enough shit on me. So that's why I didn't go. I don't think I'd work out of rehab. I went to a rehab one time. It was outpatient when I was in the halfway house. I wasn't even doing blow. I was selling blow, but when you weigh it, it goes through your skin. Did you know that? So I was weighing the chunks. So they came up, so they made me go to like this rehab where you paid them off and they left you to fuck alone. Is this the one where the woman would suck your dick like in the middle of the session? In the middle of the session. Yeah, it was fucking great. Because a lot of people from

the halfway house were there. Her name was Patrice Twiney. And we'd be at the group talking about like, yeah, my mother burned me with an iron. And you're like, Patrice, what's the story? Let's go in the back and shit. And she'd suck your paw and go back. It was great. She was in a halfway house with me. She was a beautiful girl. She was from Michigan. I'll never forget her. That's how beautiful she was. She was a freak. Like that was the first real freak I met. So I would go to the halfway house with Coke. I would sell Coke in the halfway house. I was in a federal halfway house and I lent money. So because if you don't pay rent, they won't let you out for the weekend. So the rent was 75 bucks. So I'd give you 75 bucks

for like 108. I just made up a number. Like 75 for 108 and people would give it to me. And then I sold Coke and I would pull up at night with the car and I'd see the Invicts on the third floor going. Yeah. And I would come in and when I'd open my book to check in, that I would be a note from Patrice Twiney. This is a true story. And she'd say, come to my room, bring me a rock. And I would knock in the halfway house. I would go to her room, which was right over there. Right over there was where you checked in. That's where the counselors were. And I would walk and each door had like, like you're not, you know, like when you go to the door, that's like a foot in like that. Like so they really can't see it.

I would knock on her door. She'd open it with like wardrobe on. The other two girls would be watching TV because there were three girls in the room. This is how crazy I was. I would give her the Coke rock and I'd take my dick out and I'd just stand there. And she sucked my dick and I'd just put my dick and walk away. And then I'd wait like three hours. This is how crazy this halfway house was. It was in Boulder College. It was called BCTC. This is how crazy I think about this shit now. I'm like, they would have thrown it because if you had sex with one of the girls, they'd throw you in jail for like four fucking years. This girl was like a nasty freak, but you know, you live your life. Then we ended up in a rehab. Then we ended up in a rehab together.

And then years later, I saw her out one day riding the bike. I was driving. I go, Patrice, what are you doing? None. Suck my dick. It's like, let's go back to my house because my husbands won't be home for a few hours. Your husband, when did you get married? So that's how crazy this girl was. That's fucking, you think about your life and the people you've met. You're like, what the fuck? I wasn't crazy. They were crazy. Jesus Christ. I was saying earlier, my favorite job you ever had, my favorite scam you ever ran. In Seattle, he'd always ran numbers or booked, been a bookie, but he was gonna take bets from people because it's a good way to make money, but he didn't have any bank. So he would pretend to be the middle

man and he would take people's bets with no money to pay if they won. So he would take people's money and if they won, he couldn't pay them. Oh my God, I didn't get it in. Did you call? Yeah. No, you didn't. No, fuck. No, no. You could have won a thousand dollars. Oh, I feel so bad. Fuck. I was doing comedy. I was in Bellingham. I didn't know and I did this. Listen, always remember when you're gambling, the odds of them losing are higher than the odds of them winning. I was fucking broke. I had to take a chance. It was either this or Robb somebody. Was that before or after we were out of the safe? That was before the safe because I had moved into a building where he owned a bar downstairs. There was offices for $125 and I rented the

office. I didn't have an office. I had a phone that the guy had looked me up with and I met at your bar. Yeah. It was like national phone service and he hooked me up with an 800 line and a free number for a month with no credit check. What are you fucking kidding me? I ain't paying you no credit check. I opened up a fucking business with no dollars. I wasn't there was no computer. I would take leads from this guy in San Diego and I would call him and sell him gambling packages on the phone. You know me. I'm a fucking savage guys. And then this other pigeon comes into his bar. He tells me he's looking for a fucking bookie. Really? I got a book for you. Yeah. Nino. I just made up an Italian name. Nino Gonzalez. He hangs out with the Goddies. Really? I'm doing book with

mafia. Yeah. Don't worry about nothing. I don't even get into mafia after a year. There was a I sold the guy a mafia membership in Boulder, Colorado for $2,000 and he would see me and he go nobody called me yet. They're going to call you. They're doing the paperwork. You did the paperwork. I swear to God. I made this guy write his name down on a notebook paper. So security. He came up to me one day and here's the crazy thing. He was from Brooklyn. He was an Italian kid from Brooklyn. He lives in San Jose and every once in a while he sends me an email and he came up to me one day and he goes, Listen, I want to be in the mafia. What do I do? No problem. I'll make a call for you. Fill out the application and we'll get you. I got like a notebook paper.

He wrote his name, his mother's maiden name, his father's name, his date of birth social. And give me the two grand somebody will call you. For years he kept saying nobody called me, bro. What the fuck happened? Nobody called me. So I could run a scam on a motherfucker if you let me. So I meet this fucking pigeon. He's like, and he's betting 200 a night. He loses to me three weeks in a row, like 600 bucks. Finally we're going to Moscow, Idaho. It was a Wednesday night room where these were fucking hillbillies. They'd send you up to Kila with Tabasco sauce and they call whatever the fuck lizards or whatever. It's like a prairie dog. Prairie dog. And this audience goal was to make you puke on stage. So they would keep sending you the fucking drinks till you got

sick on stage. It was crazy. So how are we going to get to fucking wherever we were going? This is crazy. How the gas money was coming from this fucking guy. So finally I go to meet him in front of Lobo loco. And this motherfucker tells me, he goes, you ain't got no bookmaker. I finally figured out you're sitting on a bet. I ain't paying you. Bring me the bookmaker right now and you have to see me go to work. Listen, you don't want to fuck with these people. Don't make this Italian guy down the thing. He hangs out with Louis the finger. Finally he goes, I'll give you the money, but I'll never put another bet on with you again. He paid me the money, never called me again. What do I give a fuck? I got a think I want them as my Facebook friendly.

But no, listen, fuck. Here's the thing. You know, you think when you do those shows like Moscow, Idaho, Wednesday night, who the fuck remembers us from doing that, right? I got a Facebook message from this girl, maybe two years ago. And when you came in her ear, yeah, came in the girl's ear. She said this motherfucker told me he goes, listen, I just came in this girl's ear. She hasn't woken up yet. The funniest thing because I said so when I woke her up, this was the best part because I came in her ear and I woke her up and I go, you gotta go. You know what she said? What? And I was like, yeah, use the other ear. Was she asleep? She was asleep when you came in her ear. I would call Josh. I would call Josh from anywhere in the country. I would get

to a city and I would call Josh. This is 98 97 99. I'm in New York City in the summer. I get to Port Authority. I'm in Syracuse. I get to Port Authority. I check my luggage at Port Authority. I got to go get weed. I go into deep Harlem. I saw I'm going into Harlem. I take the train, the A train up to 178. This is 15 years ago, whatever 98. There's no weed gene. What's the what's the mayor's name? Giuliani Giuliani cleaned it up. There's no fucking weed. I'm depressed. I say, fuck it. I go to 178. I got Cuban food right by C the sign on and I got on the A train. I'm on the A train. I go, I get a calling call. I go, let me call. Joshua got time for the A train comes. I'm on the fucking A train, but I'm turned around to the phone and some chick is tapping

me on the shelf. Excuse me. I'm on the phone with you, Jakey. Yeah, I know. And then we're talking and all of a sudden I go, excuse me. And I look at the girl. I don't even look at her. She goes, for $2, no lighter. Yeah, I'll suck your dick. She's saying this to me while I'm on the phone. And he goes, what did she say? Like, this could only happen to me. Now I got a fucking witness. I got a witness. I'm on the phone. And we're talking about the Yankees on the board, the Red Sox. And this girl's like, excuse me, excuse me, for $3, no lighter, I'll suck your dick. And I'm like, did you hear this? This is what happens to me all the fucking time. And she keeps tapping me like for $3, I'll suck your dick. I'm like, I heard you. I look at it.

And the girl guys is beautiful, except somebody had punched her real hard in the fucking face. Like this whole side was just purple. Like she was just purple. Her eye was red. Like, fucked up the pupil. And she's like, for $3, no lighter, I'll suck your dick. And you know what? If there was a place where she could suck my dick, I would have let her. But I'm gonna train. You have to go under deep. And then there's rats back there. I'm not doing that shit. But I couldn't. After a while, it was just a joke. I'm like, Josh, I got to call you back. I go, so you suck my dick for $3, no lighter. And she's like, yes, I would. And I'm like, are you on crack? And she's like, I've never done crack in my life before. So now I got to fuck

with the bitch. Now I got it. And, you know, I got to like torture her. I'm like, why do you smoke crack? You know, she's like, I don't. Like, oh, listen, if you tell me you smoke crack, I'll give you the money. You don't have to suck my dick. And she's like, but I don't. And I'm like, all right, fuck it. You don't. And I'm trying to negotiate. Like, all right, you want $2 and a lighter? I'll give you a doll in a book of matches. I'm serious. And she's like, fuck you, fat man. I'm not sucking. I'm not sucking your dick for $1 in matches and all this shit. I'm like, it's up to you. But if you tell me you smoke crack, I'll give you five hours. You have to suck nothing. And she's like, okay, I smoke crack, motherfucker. I gave her the five hours. She didn't

even go up the stairs. She went into that cave back there and just disappeared into the fucking night. And I never forgot this woman till this day. This is the shit that happens. You remember, I remember I ran a little business. It was kind of legitimate. But I had to go to Mexico once, twice a week. And but there was one time I had never been in Tijuana at 10 in the morning before. And I was waiting to meet up with this guy and I'm drinking a coffee and I'm walking down the street and this guy goes, hey, you want women? And I was like, so little early for women at 10 in the morning, he was like, $30 inside anything you want. And I was like, no, I'm good, man. And he goes, 20. I go, no, no, no, I'm good. He goes, 10. And I said, well, I got to see what

$10 looks like. I mean, if you're saying $10, anything I want, I got at least take a look, it would be rude not to. And I walked in there. Let me just tell you something. A 10 a.m. $10 hooker looks exactly what you think she fucking looks like, except add two kids. There are kids running around. One woman was playing with her kid. I walked in, she was, I have to go to work. And I was like, oh, my God. I'm like, fuck this. No, no, I'm good. 10 in the morning. Were there two levels? Like if you paid 30, would he get a better one or no? Is it just the same? You know what? I didn't, I didn't, I didn't start bargaining with him. You want, you want to ask, you want to go down there? No, really.

Do you, do you like strip clubs? I've never been a strip club. That is a fucking I'm Jewish. Why am I going to pay a cover charge? Look, I'm Jewish too. It doesn't have anything to do with it. Well, he doesn't, he doesn't have to pay. He goes in for free and knows everybody there for so long. How old are you? 24. You've never been in a strip club? Not once. You see that deal with, you see that deal with, but he watched, but the motherfucker is lying. He's lying. But the motherfucker watched community and sat in that live. Now you know why I get mad at him. Now you know why? Well, he says to me, I watched community last night. Really? You motherfucker. You watched the office. I'll fucking kill you. At 24, I wasn't watching that shit.

At 24, I didn't even think about TV. You know what I'm saying? At 24, you're a fan of what, what the office? Are you fucking retarded? Wait, what, what, what, what, what, what, what titties are you seeing? What? What titties are you seeing? The ones I date. The ones you date? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Does online count as dating? Wait, but just so you know, you porn, that's not really dating. Fuck. Those girls don't really like it. It freaks me out. Like, like, I don't want anyone to look like they hate me. Like, I feel like they hate you. You walk in. It feels creepy, man. Where? At a strip club? Yeah. No, they're not hate you. You're their living. It's a business. You're their business. You give, you give 20

dollars. They show you their pussy. They gotta go to men's deal, dude. They gotta get themselves their men's. I don't go to strip clubs, but I would take you just to take you. Yeah. Just to take you. I think we, I think we should do a church on what's happening now. I would take Lee to a fucking strip club party next. That's the next thing we do. Do you know what? We're gonna take you to a strip club where they suck your dick and something nasty like a chick with a... Can we start off low or something? You know what? Start low? Yeah. It's like a normal one. Have you, have you been with a prostitute? No. No, no, no. That one night, that one night outside of the ha ha, that crazy girl with a bandage on her head, tried to... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She was like injured. She had a bandage

on her head. I went, I went to the ha ha with Joey and we were sitting outside talking and this girl came up and started talking. I was, he left because he's smart and I just started talking to her and there's a bar right next to it. We went and we started dancing and drinking and kissing and she said, uh, so she said, did we have a deal? I said, what do you mean? She's like, I'll make you feel like the best man in the world. I was like... That's a hooker. Yeah. No, but I would never, I would never pay for it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I walked away because that, that, that would, I think I'd pass out. I would fucking pay for a hooker, but she had a bandage on her head and was fucking crazy. She was crazy. Do you remember it at all? So what? Okay, that's the best. That's a great

story. You got a... A chick with a bandage on her head. That's a great story. Listen, let me tell you what the best eight-pack ass piece of pussy is. You see all these pretty girls in the room? They're all pretty and I love to be with you. Fuck all you motherfuckers, all right? You find, you find a chick with like an escape thing, like a bracelet from a looney bin or a bandage and she got like dee-dee-mal, like somebody threw in a bomb and she was in the room and she blew up and shit and she has a bandage on her head. You know what that girl will do to you? She'll do everything, but light your balls on her. No herpes. The bomb explosion burned the herpes out. Hey, the best, the best, the best blowjob I've ever gotten in my life. I was, it was actually in Seattle. I was driving down

Yeltsur. What is that? On the way out of downtown Seattle to Lake Gleshye. I used to live down there and I'm driving out, I think it's a street, and I saw a girl, obviously hooking, and she, a black girl, she had a little buckwheat hair and I'm like, yeah, I'm down. Like I'm all right with that. So she gets in the car and she said, listen, I shouldn't be doing this, I just get out of jail, but how much will you give me if I suck your dick? And that was the best, she, that was the best blowjob I had ever gotten in my life. The right out of jail blowjob was like, I mean, that was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Yeah, she, yeah, I suggest the out of jail blowjob, anybody even get one? Because you know, there's a medical question. Do you ever get like a hooker

that comes in and says, I want to be the best hooker I could be, shoot me with HGH, like I want something heavy duty. I want my pussy to be in tip top condition. All right, where's my practice? In the San Fernando Valley. Okay. The former home of what business? Pornography. A lot of adult film stars come in. Oh shit. They get beat up. They get hurt. Their hips get knocked out. They always have neck injuries. Yeah, all the time. By the way, that's why I don't when I go to strip clubs, I don't like all nude strip clubs. Because all nude means that you've you've probably you're dancing all nude, you've you've made some mistakes in your life. And a lot of times those mistakes are reflected on their vaginas. Do you know what I mean? So I don't need to see like, I don't need

to see like some of those pussies look like wounded stingrays from SeaWorld. Only one of the flaps is working like this. It's not. It's not good. genetic genetic genetic. What does it mean when you're doing a genetic like how they make good decisions if they're at a topless point? No, but I don't have to see the vagina. Like a lot of times I've looked the vagina close up isn't great to look at anyways. But when it's been beat up like that for a couple years, it's not a party. That's a party. medically speaking, they don't get beat up when the wing is all fucked up. Yeah, because you ever eat pussy and the wing is fucked up in the morning. Like the you know, and this kills me because that's like a rectile dysfunction. But to never have a chick

come out high. Does your wing not flap in the fucking morning? Because the wings don't work right. There's always that one wing that's like a sleepy motherfucker. He's a little tired. I remember the first time I saw an Audi. Do you notice because some some VJJs hang a little lower VJJ. Yeah, some some of them hang a little lower. Right. So I was the first time I'd ever seen an Audi and I was like, what the fuck? It looked like Homer Simpson's mouth sideways. I was like, damn, look at that fucking thing. It looked like it was going to eat me. That was huge. Where did this podcast go wrong? I'm going to bring it back to medical. I'm telling you, genetic. What you have is what you have. Okay, so they don't get beat up. They don't stretch out.

They don't stretch medically. No, your labia is your labia. Just like, you know, guys have some guys have really hangy balls. Yeah. And some guys have tight ones. Yeah, you got one. Yeah, you got one tight one and one hanging one. I got the one. Well, the left one is is the tight one. That's the one that went through a road because he early on. You know, it's like, I got two girls and one of them lived right and the other one did what he did. He went to concerts. He slept late. He didn't take care of himself. He refused to go to the gym. So he's all fucked up. That's what happened. He didn't eat well. He didn't take care of himself. You know, you got to take care of your nuts. It's fucked up. But are we are we going to

take him to strip club? Whatever he needs. I listen. I love Lee. I love Lee. My job with the church is to reach out, but it's also Lee's the science project. Every once in a while, I get an email, you're picking on Lee. I'm not picking on fucking Lee. I'm showing Lee the world in a tight situation. I'm showing him the world through my rear view mirror, like motherfucking Tupac. You understand me? Sometimes Lee gets mad at me says you shouldn't do that. Where do we go? Because I lived in Van Nuys. I don't know. I don't know. I know. There's ones by like the 405. I don't like those ones. We got to take it to a dirty one, Lee. No glamour. No stakes. City and industry's rough. Yeah. That's the one city industry. That's the one something where they fart on your face.

You know, I'm saying something you need. Lee, you need to break out of your comfort zone. You're in a nice comfort zone. I love you. You're a very nice kid. We need somebody to pee on you. You need these things to start because you're not going to live your life. Tell the doc you don't even like eating ass. You've never eaten ass before. I like pussy. I don't want to eat ass. But you never thought of Lincoln girl's asshole. No, this shit. It's erotic. So what? You eat McDonald's is the same shit. They get shit. No, it's not. They were finding shit on the hamburgers. It's in that movie that they found a little turds of shit on the hamburgers. Tell the doc you don't even like a finger up your ass. No. Like if a chick sticks a finger up your ass, he's fired. It would never

happen. Would you talk to her? Like say, listen, you can't do that no more. I've never had that. Okay. All right. One of the first girls I slept with, like I had just turned 21. So we went out drinking. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The first girl you slept with, you were 21. No, no, no. I'm saying one of the first girls. Like I was like 19 or 21 at first. But there was like, I just, I could first, I could legally buy alcohol. I went to her house and she was like one of the first ones that was like, I carry is fine. But like one of the ones just did nothing. And she came up and like, she didn't even want to start out regular. She said she wanted to start out anal. And I almost I almost passed out.

I would freak me out. Like I, and what did you do? Did you just start? I said, I said no. What? It freaks me out. I can't. Maybe the only person in the entire world who's ever said no to anal. No, I will not. You're a lady. Any girl who wants to start out with anal? No thing. I'm all set. It freaks me out. What? What? You understand me? Lee, ladies and gentlemen, Lee is the nicest kid in America. And I love that he's nice and sweet. We got to toughen him up. What's wrong with it? What's wrong with pussy? What's wrong? There's nothing wrong with pussy. Why do you have to start out with anal? Because how many times are you going to fuck this girl in the pussy one time? And then you're

going to sit there and talk to her about what music, the computer, the iPhone. No, you got to eat her ass. Then you go back and you got a fingerbanger. They're going to suck her teeth and you got to punch her and you got to fuck her again. You know, I don't think you can keep, I don't think you can fuck a girl three or four times and keep coming. So you got to break up entertainment. You just can't sit there and talk until your dick gets hard. You got to flip them over and lick their ass a little bit and spank them, massage their titties and rub your dick on their neck. There's things that you got to do. And then they suck your dick and they lick your nuts and they, you know, I don't like a tongue in the ass either. But when you get the party started, I do what you got to do.

Like Carol stuck a tongue up my ass. The first time I was in Boulder, I never had a tongue in my ass and she told me to turn it over. That's disgusting. I'm not going to get on all fours and have you lick my ass like an ice cream cone. That's not happening. I do that to you. I'm the slog. That's disgusting. I know what my ass smells like. You know what I'm saying? I don't mind if you suck my dick and you get like 10% of my ass whiff coming up at you. You could tolerate that. But when your ass is there and it's 90% of your asshole in that poor girl's face and she want to lick it like that. No. But when you're coked up and you're drunk, little tongue in the ass ain't bad. Like you like it and you make believe you don't like it. Stop it. Stop it.

You like the dunk? You know what else is sometimes you get up into the position where you're like this and it's almost like they're changing your diaper. You're an happy baby. Let me dance. That's what pisses me off about the position. I love yoga. And if women went to yoga and did those positions at home, men would be a lot happier. But no woman you walk in there holding their ankles and happy baby going silent. Let me show you. Oh, shit. I hope someone took a picture. Did someone get a picture of that at all? Yeah, yeah, that was pretty.

Uh-huh. So now you guys know. I don't pick on Lee. Lee's like my, he's a son that landed on my lap. When he tells me these things, it breaks my fucking heart. When he talks to me like that, he goes, I don't know. I want to grab him by the fucking neck and go, you're getting in the car right now. And we're going to pick the first nastiest black chick out of bus stops sitting there. And we're going to go to jail. And I'm not saying nothing bad about black chicks. I love you dirty motherfuckers. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Obama. I would tear that little buck tooth bitch up. Oh, I love Mrs. Obama. I would eat her pussy when I see the dance on Jimmy Fallon

when she was doing that shit. I got all horned up. I love Mrs. Obama. I feel like your dream is like Diane Sawyer and Mrs. Obama. What's that? Are you Diane Sawyer? Oh, Diane Sawyer, really? Oh, that's you. I threesome that motherfucker. Me, Diane Sawyer. I'm 50. Diane Sawyer is hot to me. She's like 56. She got her little patty duke haircut. She always, she always gives me the news I want to read. She's very cute. She looks at the camera. She's got one lazy eye. I don't give a fuck. That's a party right there. That's a party right there. I can make beliefs. I can make beliefs. She's the fucking guy. She's, uh, what's the guy from the print, the king of, uh, Scotland? Floyd Whitaker, whatever his name is. Forrest Whitaker? Whatever his fucking name is.

Why would you pretend he's Forrest Whitaker? Well, you could, you probably have a better shell of Forrest Whitaker than Diane Sawyer. When I was in high school, it was his chick that was banging, but she had a lazy eye. So it was always lazy. So she had a crush on my friend. He was scared of her. He was like, she's there. And I was like, and Judas Priest has a song. I got a contact on you. So look at him go. She's got a contact on you. Stop. There was, there was a girl I went to college with who had, uh, one arm and, um, we, we, one arm and we used to call her slot. And when we got drunk, we'd walk up to her bar and we'd pull her arm and we'd go and we'd go lemon, lemon, vagina, shit. Okay. We put hands under her pussy and wait for something

to drop out. I'm fucking poor girls, bro. Those poor girls, we torch it in high school. Those were the toughest women in the fucking world. I had a friend that used to walk like this. You know, those girls that walk like this, like, uh, like goofy. But the other way, like a few people like this and they call a 10 to two because she was like this. So they call that bitch 10 to two right to a face. 10 to two. You can't write that shit. You mean disabled people is what you mean? No, she wasn't disabled. All right. Fucking leave. She didn't have a handicap sticker in the car. In those days, if you were handicapped, you had to work motherfucker. They didn't care. You had to walk always in the back of the target. Remember that shit started 10 years ago in the old days. Now

you see handicapped fat people. That's because they park in front of the fucking joint. 10 years ago, they'd be all fucked up, but they'd be in shape. Al Fox used to walk down the stairs at all. Oh my God. We had a comic. We had two comics in Seattle. We had Rita O who was a man and became a woman in her head. She was in the middle of her operation. It was her head was this fucking big and the doctors would prescribe a Valium. They prescribed everything and we used to steal her Valium. It was fucking classic. She used to talk like a woman. Oh my God. I have this spot tonight, but then if you ate a nacho, she looked at you and she said, put him back. She was all dainty. One time I, she was all, she was sitting at the table. She was like, I can't, I can't. I'm really nervous

about going on stage. I'm so nervous. And I reached for one of her nachos and she went, hey, and I was like, what the fuck? Is she the one that fell off stage and died? Yeah. She fell down the stairs and died. Her head was so big. Yeah. She couldn't balance her body in her head. Going down the stairs and she would go to Queen Anne up in the hill and dance at these clubs and shit. And she fell off and bang the head and she didn't fucking live both though. And then we had Al Fox. That was like a fucking one of those guys and he called me out one time. Al Fox was a handicap that was tough. He came up to me after we fuck you, man. I'll fucking kick your ass. I'm like, what are you going to do? You know, I couldn't fucking fight this kid, but he was a tough fucking

kid. It's amazing. The travels that we gone through, man. It's fucking amazing as a comic that we went. And we were broke comics guys. Fucking broke. I lived in his office. It didn't have a shitter. I had to shit out the window. Okay. I had to join the gym to take a shower. And we lived with Lionel. I lived with Lionel. Lionel was the baddest white dude I ever met in my life. Yeah. Lionel was a white dude that was down for anything. You know, those people are just down for anything. He lived in a warehouse in Seattle. His house were and he had the window open and anybody can throw rocks. And if I missed the bus to Josh's house, I would throw rocks and he let me and I'd sleep in the corner and I would wake up in the middle of the night and every night

was a different scenario. He had no heat. So he had like three black guys and him smoking crack, passing around a pipe. That's what I wake up to. One night he woke up and he was like, come on, but there's a party in the building. We went to the building where he lived at. It was one of those things. You had to pull the fucking elevator with the thing down and it was one. And we went there and there was two chicks dancing in a cage, eating each other out and shit at this party where they were doing heroin. And this is a true story. This is Seattle and I'm there and I'm doing coke. And there was this guy with a suit on who kept saying, look at you fucking idiots doing cocaine and heroin. That's candy stuff. I did all that shit when we know those older guys,

I went to Woodstock. I did this. And we're like, listen, bro, fucking the singer from Madison Chains is fucked up on this fucking heroin. And you're sitting there saying that don't do nothing to you. So one of the guys cut a line of heroin and there was a beam and he was holding on to it. And I'll never forget, he's like, do the fucking line of heroin. The guy's like, fuck you youngsters. I used to do this shit in my sleep. He did the whole line of heroin. And he looked at us and all of a sudden he started foaming like the mouth like Uma Thurman. And he held on to the pole and he just started spinning and this motherfucker dropped. And everybody's like, give him like the resuscitation. Lionel's like, fucking let him die. That's how crazy Lionel was. Lionel,

now he's in a band, right? He got his life together or something like that. Lionel? Yeah. Yeah. Last time I, he got a girlfriend. He got his life together. Is he living on the ranch? No, you don't fuck. Doc, any closing notes? What do you got for it? Okay, what do you want? What do you want? Anything? Anything on the health tip? I mean, what do you think, Doc? Am I getting healthier? You're doing great. Look at him. I'm not working out. It's good. Show him. Tell him what you do every day. What do I do? What's your workout? I work out. I try to work out every day. I take two days off. I'm fucking 50 years old. So I go to two kickboxings a week. I just joined your Jiu Jitsu. So I'm gonna try that two times

a week. And I go on the epileptical. So that's not fucking bad. And I walk every day. Not the epileptic. I have my daughter. I have my daughter. You jump on an epileptic guy and you ride him around whole lot. Whatever. I remember one time I robbed an epileptic guy. Well, what are you? What? On Friday nights, it was, I did not know this. I did not know this. And I've told this story before that there was, I used to hang out at this bar called Joe Marry's and this epileptic guy used to come in a janitor. And he'd come in every night. And at the end of the night, I get coked up and I picked a pocket. I used to be a good pickpocket. So I picked pocket. And he'd have those things with pills. And I'd open it up and he'd have a bunch of Valium's in there. And he

had these other white pills in there. So I would take the Valium's, give them to all my cocaine buddies and put the pill. What the fuck? So I would do this to him every Friday night. And one Friday night, I actually wanted his pocket. He didn't have no Valium's. He just had these white pills. So my buddy's like, where's the Valium's? And I go, bro, he ain't got Valium's. He's got baby quelluz. I didn't know what they were. But who cared? That's how I ran then. I don't know what they are, but how backing they'd be. Just take one and we'll let it to pieces for what they made. So I gave him out to like 10 guys. It was a Saturday night. I like two in the morning. I went home, whatever, got fucked up, went to bed. Do you know I woke up Monday fucking morning.

And I woke up and all I did that Sunday was basically get up to puke and pee and go right back to bed. I would basically crawl for the pee and then go back to bed, drink water. So Monday I get up and I see the fucking, my answer machine, the phone is blinking up a store. It's just blinking. And I'm picking up and I'm like, I'm hearing cocoa. Fuck you, you fat fucking spick. Your mother sucks dick. Beep. And the next one, fuck you. I've been high for two fucking days, motherfucker. What did you give me? Beep? Fuck you. So I had all these people pissed off me. One guy, Greg Schmidt, James Schmidt, they're on Facebook. They live in San Diego. He called me up and he's like, I actually went to the pharmacy. This is what they give epileptics when they have a seizure.

I was fucking people up, but I had one friend who was like, bro, I like those pills. His name was, you got any more of those things? Those things were solid, dog. It's like Sergio Love. Sergio Love could eat 20 volumes a night, but I gave anxiety pills. I got one time. He called me two days ago. He's like, man, their motherfuckers were for real, dog. So it's really fucking weird what you're taking out there. So doc, any closing statements here for the people? No stories. The stories are all good. Just, just, just stay healthy. Come see you. No, don't come see me. This group, this group. After everything, you're too young. You don't need to come in. You're too young. After everything you've heard, can he still come and see you? Is he

still allowed? After everything you heard tonight? Yeah. I'm taking care of myself. I drink water. You know, my staff actually says, Joey's 10 minutes late. I go, yeah. Can you, should we call him? No, he'll be here. Well, what if something happened? They love him. Girls love you. No, I love the girls. I like the girls. I love them. They got, he got, he got, he got nice girls. We're going to close with a good safe story when I try to talk Josh into being a criminal and stuff. Started out with the safe story? Yeah. I worked at a bar where these guys were crooked and they hadn't paid me for about two months. They were assholes and I, I, we, we, it was down near the good where the Mariners played and we used to get huge crowds when the Mariners were in town.

So the Yankees were in town and I was going out of town to do stand up in Moscow, Idaho. And I told Joe, I was like, listen, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to give you some keys. You're going to go in and take a safe. I'm going to be out of town. So I can't get blamed for it. And usually at the end of a weekend on a Sunday, right, because they don't go to the bank on Saturday and Sunday, we're going to have a whole weekend full of Yankee money. So that was 40 fucking Gs. Guaranteed. $6 beers. Yeah. So I give him the keys and I go out of town and when he takes the safe, now you want to tell him how you took that safe? No, so it was a fucking Sunday night. I did my spot. I met the fucking dude that was the accomplice.

I went over to this place. I went by the back door. I opened the door with the keys. I went up two flights of stairs to the office and there's the fucking safe. And you know me, I try to play it takes a thief. But I always knew like the people who taught me how to steal said, don't try to break the safe, take the safe to go. And you can break the safe at home. That's what you do. You take the safe to go. You don't leave it there and play fucking, you know, fucking the Italian job. You fucking take the safe to go. So I fucking go to move the safe. This fucking safe is heavy, guys. But they call old man strength. This was hunger strength. This was thievery strength. I picked this fucking safe up the safe. I mean, a bodybuilder compared, I fucking picked this

thing up. And I took it out of the thing. I'm like, ah, and I got a hemorrhoid. I had a fucking hemorrhoid or hernia everything. And I dropped the safe and I would just push it down the fucking stairs. And broke shit. And I would pick up the safe and broke the stairs broke the fucking stairs through the back broke the stairs, picked it up, man handles it. I fucking get out in the hallway on the alleyway and there's the kid with the Acura. I put the fucking safe in his car, closed the trunk. As we get in the fucking car, he pulls the car three inches. And there's a cop car right there on First Avenue, clocking people. So I was throwing the safe down while the cops were outside eating fucking hamburgers. Those dumb fucks out there with a fucking speed gun. And here

I am carrying this fucking safe throwing it down. So we take the fucking safe. We go back to his house. He's out of town. We call him in the hotel. The safe is completed. I'm thinking dirty Gs three ways. You were like this safe is so heavy. There's no way there isn't $30,000. It felt like $30,000. You know what I'm saying? I picked up saves before this felt like $30,000. I get the fucking safe. We bring the carry into the back room because again, hunger fucking strength. I put the safe. I don't even know how we cracked it open. I think we got a blow torch or a drill. We fucking drill this thing. I'm like, I'm there like James Conn and thief. I'm sweating and shit. I'm all fucking hot. We open the thing and there's a bag of change. Quarters $27 and quarters.

That's why it was so heavy because those quarters are probably what we get. Wait till you come. Big fucking score. Well, that was the best thing I couldn't wait. He goes, wait till we wait till you get back. I'm going to give you your money personally. He gave me $9 and quarters. He goes, here you go. That's your 30 fucking thousand cocksucker. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing worse when you have a plot in your mind and you're going to go do the plot and you're going to make money. There was a in San Francisco in 85. I used to watch drug dealers at the Hilton check-in and I'd rob them. I'd wear a suit on like Miami Vice. I make believe I was winning. I would work the Wall Street Journal. As soon as I watched, we're going for a walk. I could tell and I'd run up

and follow the maid and in those days they left the keys in the door. So I would steal the keys out of the door. I was a professional and I'd bring the fucking key back. I was crazy, right? So this one day I go into this room and it's, I go in the room and there's a bag, a fucking bag and I open it up and the coke is in the middle and on the sides there's cash. There's American cash and there's Colombian cash. But the American cash looked like $20,000. The Colombian cash said millions. And I'm like, fuck this white money. I'm taking the Colombian money. So I take all the Colombian money. I put in a bag. I fucking carry that. I take like a little bit of coke, like the asshole that I am.

Because why rob the guy of the pieces? I already got him for three fucking meones. Colombian. I get back to the hotel room. I got rubber bands everywhere. I'm putting all this Colombian money together. I'm counting. I'm like, Edward, remember the time when they got the will? Yeah. And they went the next morning, they brought the suitcase and he shows up with a suitcase to Ralph's and Ralph goes, what's the suitcase for when he goes, I ain't think we want to carry home $30 million. And he goes, there's small details around. I was like, this fucking it. He goes, why don't you go upstairs and cut $30 million. And put in the suitcase and see if it fits. Norton looks and he goes,

he takes the money out. He had already counted the $30 million. This is how I felt. I had $3 million in Colombian money. I'm calling my friends in Jersey, bitch, bust out the blow. I will be there tomorrow with big fucking pockets. I got 3 million Colombian, even if it's 10%, I got $300,000. Even if it's 10% of the fucking money, I hire the biggest, blackest fucking guy from the tenderloin to walk me the next day. I put on a suit. I'm like, Don, I tell the girlfriend, get the fucking first class tickets. We're going straight into Kennedy, bitch. I get to the bank that opens up at nine. I'm there at 8.50 fucking nine with a bag of Colombian money. Cause you got to go like the foreign banks where you change the

money. This bitch, I look her in the face and I go, I hope you brought cash today. Cause Papa's going to bust this fucking bank. He's like, we have plenty of cash here. I couldn't even fit the money under the window. They had to get a guard to come and give him the suitcase full of fucking money. She's there for 20 minutes, counting, counting. I'm like, ooh, there was no cell phones. I'm like, call bitches, collect. We're buying the fucking plane. This lady looked at me and she's those $36. Now count it again, motherfucker. Count it again. I was like, I was like Tony Montana and Scarface. Count it again with a hundred thousand off and shit. Hey, did you remember cash? Remember those checks that used to get sent to my apartment? The guy who lived in my apartment

before me, when we first moved to LA ended up being Adam Sandler's production partner. Yeah. All right. Jack, juror, or a pewter or whatever. His brother showed up to my show. So he used to get residual checks and this was, I was eating a meal a day and I was living in one bedroom with three kids in the same bar. Like we had no money. So I would get residual checks sent to me for like $25,000 and they would just stack up on my counter. Did you, you tried to talk me into cash or some of those. Did you ever cash any of those? No, I used to go to the improv and take the other comedians checks because at the improv, you walk in and say, you got to check for me and they go, look in the box and you were looking the box and you check would be the Diaz, but like Rick

Dukerman, he was a millionaire. He wouldn't collect the check. And Drew Carey had like a thousand checks. I would just take Drew Carey's checks and sign them and put them into Wells Fargo. Fuck it. They never figured it out. Drew Carey wasn't going to fucking figure it out. You know. Hey, sometimes you got to do what you got to do with your father. There used to be a gas station by Josh's house, Ravi. Ravi. If it wasn't for him, I used to go in there every day. I would watch him. So he was outside pumping gas or helping somebody. And I would run in and take a pack of fucking cigarettes. Every day I did this from this guy, just a pack of Kamala lights to get me going. I don't know what I do. Those years living in that fucking neighborhood that I wouldn't

know. We lived in a crazy building that a drug dealer in the building, three drug drug dealers, a coke guy, a chick that would suck dick with no chin. She had Julie, she had big tits tremendous tits. So you'd be all fucked out of Florida morning. Julie, those tits are banging. Wait, now we were maybe a little, Joey used to crash on my couch a lot. This is when I knew we were a little, maybe we needed to tighten up the ship a little bit. Because I would say we can't do really do much coke in the apartment, the kids, right? So Joey used to sleep on my couch. So one morning my son was still in diapers, maybe two years old, and he's running around and he's going like this. What are you doing? I just heard it go, what are you doing? He was running around going,

I got a toy, I got a toy, I got a toy. I go, what do you got? And I stop him. Joey, it slept on my couch. Two bundles of coke had dropped out on the couch. My son had found him in the fucking cushion, was running around, flapping him around the apartment. And I was like, Joey, we got to tighten the ship up a little bit, dude. Yeah. You think of your life, and this is what it comes down to, guys. Hey, I appreciate you guys coming down. Any questions? Any fucking questions? What's up, beautiful? I don't know what level Lee's schedule is. Taking him to a strip club. I think there's a strip club on victory. Let's take him there. Unless there's one in Pasadena. All right, let's go. Let's take him to victory,

and let's get him, let's get somebody, let's get a strip of the fart in his face tonight. Just Lee, we love you. These people love you, but you got to come out of your shell, and you got to stop being such a nice guy. You know what I'm saying? Trust me, we love you. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Let's go. Fine. Let's go. We got to break out of your shell. We love you. We care for you. I ain't picking on you. Any other questions? Nah, Lee's out. Lee's out tonight, guys. So wherever you, if there's a girl here, and you're feeling generous tonight, and you feel like really making somebody's day, if you feel like that hooker in Biloxi blues, remember? Hey, but no anal. No anal. Take care of my boy. Be gentle. I love you guys.

One more time, Mr. Frank Felici. One more time, Josh Wolfe. One more time, The Flying Jewel. Thank you very much for coming out tonight.