Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #04

Episode Date: August 1, 2013

We were lucky enough to have two very special guests at our fourth live podcast, MMA ref Herb Dean and comedian Felipe Esparza. Recorded live on 07/31/2013.

Oh shit, guys, what's up, guys? Yeah! Woo! Thank you guys for waiting. We have a lot of you here, so I appreciate you bearing with us. If you've been here before, it's a little bit different. It's not a comedy show. I'm going to bring Joey up.

He's going to talk to you. He's going to bring me up. And then we have a couple of really special guests who I can't thank enough for being here. So let's get it started. It's Joey Coco Diaz. Woo! What's happening?

What's happening? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much for coming up tonight. You know, we do this podcast once a month, like a live podcast, just to give you a different fucking patois. You know what I'm saying? You're out of the house.

We're like a little family. We locked the door now. We locked this motherfucker. Remember the Bronx Tale? Remember that? When Sunday came back? Now you can't leave. Remember that shit?

And the bike is all shit. They're fucking pants. Trust me. They all shit. They're fucking pants. They locked that. Now you can't leave. What the fuck?

So I'm happy you came out from the bottom of my heart. These things are fucking fun. In the corner, if you've got a fart, hold it in. Because you'll kill that motherfucking everywhere right there. They'll be sitting there. They can't breathe. They can't laugh. You ever have that?

There's a men's bathroom at the airport. Like early in the morning when you're pissing, you can't take that tornado of ass. I swear to God, walking to the men's bathroom, well, not you ladies. Fuck you. You got your own fucking problems. But a men's bathroom, you walk in there in a good mood.

You're flying. You're going to fucking Akron, Ohio for the weekend. The state fair is there. Shit's crack-a-lacking. You know what I'm saying? You're going to get to eat some popcorn with white people with a little hat and a propeller. And all of a sudden you walk into the airport

and you walk into the men's bathroom. And it's like 22 asses that get into like a toilet. Like what do you call that? Hurricane fucking debt. And it just spins around. Hurricane asshole. And there you are trying to pee and it hits you. And you can't breathe.

It takes the hot air right out of you. You're holding your breath. You say, fuck washing my hands. I'm going out there with Commando dick. Fuck it. You ever shake somebody's hand and you know you just had your dick in your hand? And you kind of giggle like you giggle inside.

You don't give a fuck. Fuck it. I did that to a priest one time. Fuck it. I was scratching my balls in church when I was kneeling down. Sometimes that's when you got to scratch sometimes. It's seven in the morning. You got an itch.

You know what I'm saying? So I put my hand in my pants and tried to scratch it. And I'm like, I don't have any water. There's no water at church. Only the holy water. And then I ate the cookie and after what I shook his hand out. And I didn't think, trust me, I didn't do it on purpose. I thought I was shaking his hand.

I remember I'm giving him a ball hand. I hope he don't scratch his balls with that hand because then, you know, whatever, I know half a year as a Catholic, you're like, Joey, what the fuck, it's true. You know, it could have been anybody. Sometimes you just scratch your hand. You people do it. You do it sometimes.

You were walking to places, no paper towels. You go, fuck it. I'm not going to wash my hands. And you go out and you're hugging motherfuckers all night. Wiping your fucking dick on their back and shit. Because we're men. We're supposed to do that shit. You know, it's amazing.

It's 2013. The positiveness correct of mankind, what it is at this level. You can't say nothing normal. You can't say you don't want to do this. Think of fucking a caveman. Think if there was a Mexican caveman. What this mother, think about it. If you're Mexican, think of a, you've been to your family reunions

and you sat there and said, what, how are these people related? To me. How are they related to me? This motherfucker cannot be related to me. But then you think about the evolution. Like there was cavemen in Mexico. Think of how they thought. But you can't think like that because people say you're fucked up.

You ever get on a plane and you're sitting there and you see a fat wife come on with like eight donuts, like a donut and these fucking fingers. I'm talking to you people from the heart here. I see it all the time. Like a wife with like a fucking McDonald's super deluxe soda. Like three fucking yum yum donuts. With shorts, she's five eight.

You can see she has a pretty face, but everything just blew up to pieces. And then the husband's behind him. He's all skinny. He's got the kid here bouncing him. He's got the carrots. He's like a fucking slave. Look at that motherfucker's face.

Tell me that's what his life ambition was. To be on a plane with fucking milkshake. Carrying the baby. No, it wasn't supposed to be like that. If you go back to old Mexico, it was a fat Mexican dude naked and shit. And she's got eight kids and he's just whipping the bitch.

Fucking. Why, why right that way? Tell me I'm bullshitting you. Tell me I'm fucking bullshitting you. Fuck. You gotta start thinking, you know, we got bullies now. What the fuck is a bully?

How can you go home and tell your mom I got bullied? How could this is 2013? How you guys doing? All right. Thank you for coming in. Bad motherfucker. What's happening, baby? Everything all right.

Look at you guys eating the fries tonight. You're going overboard tonight. Don't let Lee see those fucking things. He hasn't seen a French fry in three months. He's ready to choke a bitch. I drove past McDonald's with Lee about a month ago. He had like a mask and like a stocking and shit. Lee's ready to fuck a snack.

Lee'll take a McDonald's down solo. I can't wait one day I'm going to be said, helicopters and shit. We're going to Sherman Oaks. Hold on. Lee's got to fucking McDonald's, fucking hell the captive. With a Rambo bazooka shooting everybody.

Where's the fucking egg white fucking egg white? You like those egg white fucking McMuffins, don't you, cock sucker? I love them. I go there once a week on Thursday mornings. I get up. I don't have the podcast. I have the podcast Monday and Wednesday.

Thursday I do breakfast with the wife and the kid. And I'll say, honey, I'm going to run. I watched my pussy about 6.15. I shoot over there. And I go over to like a fucking real hardcore McDonald's. People are lingering out there. Thank you for coughing, sir. Tremendous, right in my fucking face.

Thank God I'm taking shroom tech immunity, you know what I'm saying? Fuck it. I don't care if you cough. I don't give a fuck. That means you're a real deal. Fuck these pussies. I did cardio today. I only smoke a vape, but go fuck yourself, you fucking faggot.

Fucking cock suckers. You got to come in here, smoke papers, everything. I don't give a fuck. But I'm happy from the bottom of my heart. 50 is a stone right now, aren't you? Like half of your fucking. That's what I love about you. Like listen, guys, I'm 50 years old.

I'm telling you, all that other shit is bullshit. When I talk about drugs and all that, it was a good time then snorting coke and eating a pill and eating loosey snort bushes pussy. Listen, that's not what it's all about. The best times of my life are fucking getting $25 worth of weed with three motherfuckers. Looking at everybody and going, we ain't going home till the bag is done. Rolling eight joints and putting on Led Zeppelin II and breaking it down. You know what I'm saying? Breaking it down.

Like put it back. Put it back one more time. Did you hear the cowbell? Did you hear the fucking cowbell? I heard a fucking cowbell, cock sucker. Coming to the stage, my brother, the baddest fucking producer out there, the flying Jew, Mr. Lee Syed. What's up, brother? Who eats egg whites at McDonald's?

You do, cock sucker. No, if I was going to go there, I'd go all out and get the fucking disc egg, whatever that is. Listen, sit down. Anyway, McDonald's has an egg white fucking sandwich. Everybody wants to get healthy. Everybody wants to have an egg white that tastes like dick. All right, if you ain't eating the yolk, go fuck your mother. You know what I'm saying?

If you ain't eating the yolk, I don't know yet. Listen, when I was a kid, the first time I discovered breaking the yolk with a piece of Italian bread. Look, you got a piece of Italian bread this big, right? I'd say 18 inches. That's a loaf. That's not a piece. Shut up, cock sucker. 18 inches and you take a whole stick of hotel bar butter. Not a little tub because you're worried about your heart.

And you break that stick into that Italian bread. It's like two inches in a flat of just butter. You cut that motherfucking half. You have your mom make you a pound of bacon and three fucking eggs. And you take that Italian bread and break it in the fucking yolk. You understand me? People don't know what that's what life is all about. Damn you.

You try to get healthy later on. You can't do that no more. And what do you drink? Fuck orange juice, a 64 ounce coke with a big thing of ice cubes, like a soldier, right or wrong. You're fucking sweating as you're eating this shit. That's what breakfast is like. Now I got to eat special cave and I got to eat fruit and fucking yogurt. You think cavemen ate fruit and fucking yogurt?

Fuck no, they ate like a leg and shit like that. What do you eat for breakfast, Lee? I usually don't eat breakfast. There's no talking about this. I can't. How the fuck aren't you hungry in the morning when you wake up? No, I got to be at work at 9.30 and I have to leave at 8 in the morning. So I fucking, I wake up and I leave.

I shower the night before. I don't eat nothing. I can't. Like you don't listen. Let's be honest with ourselves, okay? There's people who are thin and there's people who are a little on the thick side. I'm on the thick side. Lee's a little on the thick side.

People on the thick side, we motivate ourselves with food. Absolutely. Like as I'm falling asleep at night, right? Like as I'm watching whatever at night, I got to go to bed. And right before I get up to go to bed, I got to motivate myself. So I'll say to myself, hmm. The quicker I get up and go to bed, the quicker I wake up and I could go to fucking Mimi's and kill that number fucking 11 steak and eggs like a motherfucker with two pieces of

bread and bacon and the whole, that's what motivates me to go to bed and sleep is to wake up because I know when I wake up, I'm going to roll out of bed. I'm going to pee. All right. I'm going to fucking feed the cats. I'm going to press the button. Coffee's going to shoot out. I'm going to put that cancer sugar in it.

And I'm going to go in my bedroom and I'm going to roll a fucking joint as I'm putting movie on on Twitter. I don't give a fuck, guys. If it's 455, and that's the time I get up and the coffee's made as I'm opening up the computer, the laptop, and I'm pressing in my code of debt and I put YouTube on. I'm rolling that fucking number. Whatever music I wake up to and I'm going to the bathroom as I'm peeing, as I'm peeing, whatever I hear, that's the first song you motherfuckers are going to hear on Twitter.

I don't give a fuck what the fuck it is. And right there is when I start my morning, I blast that number out and right there is I'm blasting that number. I'm thinking how I'm going to eat the bacon like with my finger up. Like do I eat a Sinatra style or like a half a fag with my hands all the way down? Like fuck the cars, junior girl. I teach you how to eat bacon like it's a fucking dick, you understand? What do you think?

Aren't you excited when you wake up in the morning because you know you're going to fucking eat something? It's more for me. It's for like when I'm driving home. Like I'm like oh shit I have to be on the 405 for an hour. I'm like fuck I'll have Chinese food when I get home. It's like that's how when I do it. I don't do it when I wake up.

I've never been a big breakfast guy which is part of the problem. So when you get on the 405 that's when you realize fuck. Yeah. And like if I was going to fuck Rob any fast food it wouldn't be McDonald's to be Wendy's. I would fucking destroy, I'd blow up a Wendy's. Alright. Let's pretend you broke into a fucking Wendy's. What would you?

Spicy chicken sandwich. How many? Eighteen. I don't know. And that's it? No fries? No chilies? Well of course there are fries.

No fuck chili at Wendy's. Yeah that chili's not bad. Yes it is. It's sitting in that pot all day. That's why it's cooking cocksuck. It's marinating. That's not cooking. It's marinating you fuck.

That's what it's supposed to do. Can't marinate chili. Yes you do. You just don't blow beans in there and give them to your kids. You got to throw the beans in there and whatever kind of meat they use. Let me tell you something. Chili's is not bad if you're in a rush and you don't give a fuck about what your bathroom's going to look like in eight hours.

Okay the other night I went out. I went to do comedy somewhere. And some nights you know you're going to go home and you can't. No I'm going to be honest with you motherfuckers. Sons of Anarchy was on FX. But then come on till one in the morning. That's savagery type shit. And they had two episodes.

So that means I had a one one to two and two to three. I'm fucking on my eighteenth dream by two o'clock in the morning. But I sacrificed it for Sons of Anarchy. So I met two of my buddies. They go you're hungry and I'm like you know what I'll stalk. Where do I go? The only place to go in California fucking Denny's. Now I read an article in Denny's years ago in the New York Times about how they're switching their menu to help people.

And they put the two four six menu. And I was very impressed by that. I couldn't believe it. You know Southwest is the only one that's not charging for bags. But you ever sit on a five hour Southwest flight. It's fucking murder. You understand me. You fucking squish there.

Denny's is working with people. You know you go in there and get fries with chili for two dollars. Let me tell you something. You guys are like that's disgusting. When you're an American and you're fucking hungry. It's not a bad fucking deal. So you know what if they're doing that for people. I don't see in and out lowering their fucking prices.

I don't see McDonald's. Oh well they have the value and the special cancer package. They have the dollar menu which is the cancer package. You just just give them a dollar and they give you cancer. They do. They give you like Ronald McDonald with a turban around his head. I swear to God. I mean I ain't being funny.

I'm being honest with you people. But at least Denny's is trying. I was very impressed with that. But if you're an American and you're out of work. You could take your kid to get french fries with chili on it for two dollars. No soda. And not look like a fucking mutt. And leave a tip for the people.

You ever see the waitress at Denny. It's a different demand. It's like the Twilight Zone. If you haven't been to Denny's tonight. Take an edible. Go to Denny's at like one thirty. Before the fucking bar people get up. Anyway.

What do you do when you go to Denny's? You're like you know what I ain't going to eat this shit. I'll have a milkshake. How bad can the fucking milkshake be? I had another shake. I sat there with my friends. We talked shit. About ten to one I went home.

You know what? I still got up at five in the morning with diarrhea. Only fucking Denny's. I didn't have it. I had halibut for dinner. At like six o'clock that was fresh. I just caught it. My wife got it at the fucking farmers market on Sunday.

So it wasn't the fish. Because I had it the night before. I would have diarrhea. It was the same fucking fish. I just come through the day after. It was still frank. It was still flopping around. It was still fucking moving in the bag.

It was the fucking milkshake gave to the shits. Even the fucking milk they have is bad at Denny's. You know. And me. I'm pushing for Denny's. Dog. I'm rooting for fucking Denny's. So I can tell you motherfuckers.

Denny's is a bad motherfucker if you're poor. If you've got no dough you're good. And then the cheeseburger. I've had the cheeseburger. That ain't bad. Gross. Really. The only thing you get at Denny's is breakfast.

That's only. And even that. I used to go to Denny's with my wife before. The bacon. Looks like it's sick. You know. You go to a restaurant. The bacon is healthy.

You buy at Denny's. It's always like, you know. The sausage. As you're eating the sausage. It ain't bad. But it ain't good. Like you're like the same Jimmy Dean. This is like his grandfather and shit fucking.

You know what? You know what the Denny's to go to is? There's one on Sepulveda in Van Nuys that has a bar. Has a what? A bar. You can get alcohol at Denny's. That's what I want. That's what I want.

A fucking. Hammer at Denny's. Good. That's what I want. Getting a fucking hammer at Denny's. Now anybody who knows that area. I don't even know. And I know Sepulveda is a hook of fucking.

Oh yeah. Right. That's what you want to do is hang out at Denny's. It's like an all time hook of fucking hangout. You know. I never picked up a hooker there. But I grabbed the hooker's pussy out of Denny's in Hollywood. I swear to God.

She had bruises on her legs. She sat next to me. I'm eating it two in the morning. You know, sit next to me. I don't know. I'm going to grab something. What the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with you?

You know what I'm saying? She looked at me like there's something wrong with me. Something wrong with me. Something wrong with you. You got bruises on your fucking thigh. You know what I'm saying? Somebody Charlie horse shit after they fucked you. How bad of a piece of pussy are you when somebody Charlie horses you?

I don't know where. I fucked you bitch. Here's your $12 and shit. Speaking of Charlie horses. I got a great guest tonight. The first guy coming up. I got two great guests for you tonight. I mean fucking.

I didn't do it last month. So I had to make up to you guys. So I went out and got the best. I'm like Tony Montana. You want the fucking best? I'll give you the fucking best. Okay. And this guy, when it comes to punches and everything, he's one of the best.

As a matter of fact, he is the best in the business. How about a big round of applause for my brother, Mr. Herb Dean. Where you at baby boy? Thank you my man. What's happening baby? Oh man. It's hot up here. Yeah.

It's nice. It ain't that bad though. It's not that bad, but it's going to get hot and shit. Yeah. It's going to get hot. So where are you from originally? Right here. Pasadena.

You see that motherfuckers? Yeah. Pasadena. You know it's so crazy when you come out here, unless you're Mexican, you're from here. And I don't mean to beat this respect. Like everybody else, I'm from Connecticut. What the fuck? Nobody's from California.

It's like being in Colorado. When you see a Mexican, you know they grew up here. Like where you from? You know I just found out something interesting. My babysitter jumped the fence like 18 times before 1988. She used to live in Boston. She'd fly back to Guatemala and then run up and jump the fucking fence and take a flight from here to fucking.

That's my little daughter's babysitter. So get ready. Why would she go back? Because she didn't want to get a, she had daughters in Guatemala. So she'd go to Boston and work for a year and then take a plane back to Guatemala and then they'd throw her in jail for a month and then she'd fucking escape and then she'd go back to Boston and work for another year. So when you think you're having a fucking bad day, fuck you.

All right. Take a my girl and shit. So you're from Pasadena? Yeah. From Pasadena. Grew up here. Yeah. Love it.

Went to high school, Blair. Damn. Amazing. How'd you get into the whole fight game? You know what? I used to do karate. I've always done martial arts. Right there, there was Ed Parker's Kimpo.

And I used to train, I didn't train Kimpo there, but I trained kickboxing. And one of the guys who was on the, like one of the sparring partners, he was in UFC one. And so we started preparing for those type of events then. And one thing led to another. I had a wrestling coach who was a referee. I used to help him out. And then I stuck, started doing it. How long did you do that for?

So I've been refereeing since around 98. I've been involved in this sport since the beginning, since 94. I used to kickbox before that. Right. So I've always done martial arts. Yeah. Wow. So you've been involved in, I looked at the resume, you fucking ref everywhere.

Like there's not a league you haven't. Oh yeah. I referee everything. And some of like the greatest fights at the UFC, you've been there. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like the UFC, the ref of the year, the last three years. I can't believe that.

Yeah. They have an award for me. I really appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. Every time, every time there's a fight, tell me I'm bullshitting you guys. Every time there's a fight, you know, some Saturdays I'm, I'm blessed that I could watch the fight. But there's some Saturdays I'm fucking working.

So I get off the stage and I go to a computer and I go on Yahoo or Google and you go on Yahoo and they show you the results. And on the bottom, Dana White blast Masagati. You know, Masagati is always getting fed to the fucking wolves, but it never says his name. It always has Dana congratulating him for doing it. And then when I read into it the last couple of days, like he's congratulated a couple, he's, he's, he's been happy that you've been there a couple of times during a fight.

Like I've read a couple of times that he's said in the press conferences. Yeah, yeah. You know, he really is vocal about appreciating the job I do. And let me tell you, it's not what I expected as far as for being a referee. And I was expecting, you know, and I have, I've been booed and I've had, you know, bottles and stuff thrown at me and whatnot, but I wasn't expecting all this, like people clapping when I get up and, and, you know, Dana White saying I'm the best in the business, you know, it's, it's great.

But I'm trying not to get used to it because, because, you know, it could be bottles next week, you know. Are you going to a shop or like a motherfucker before every fight? Oh yeah. I take it serious, man. It's almost like my religion. It's, it's sacred to me. It's like people's, their lives, their dreams, their aspirations.

Every fight is the most important fight of their life. They've made so many sacrifices to get in there and one mistake from a referee can crush their dreams, but at the same time, one mistake can, some serious harm can come to someone. So, you know, it's, it's sacred. You know, there's one thing that always gets contested in the USC and that's the early stoppage. You know, and, and for the fucking 90,000 million people that haven't been hit, you're the motherfucking first motherfuckers that get up and say something.

The people that have been hit know when it's time to fucking lay off. And sometimes there's always an early stoppage. I, I, you know, very seldom do I bitch about that because I've been hit. And you don't, you don't even want to be hit. You want them to stop right here. Like if, if he stops right here, I'm happy as a motherfucker. That's a great call dog. You've seen, you've seen my world ending dog.

You're a fucking psychic. And that's one thing. Like I've watched a bunch, like you're just sharp. Your shit's just on it. What are you, is there a same ritual you do before every fight? No, you know, I, I referee a lot of fights. I referee thousands of fights. I get in there.

I just make sure I go over what my job is and which is pretty simple, make sure nobody takes any unnecessary injuries and make sure I enforce the rules and make sure I remember the rules and go in there and do it. Now let's say you got a guy that's a kickboxer and a guy that's a wrestler. Do you go in there with a different mind frame? Or do you go in there the same with every fucking mind? Well, you know what that is? That's a good question.

So, you know, you try to not base what you're doing on what you think you know about somebody. You know, everything should, you should just react to what you see by your criteria. But you know what? A kickboxer versus a wrestler, I probably will position myself on the wrestler side. So when referees, when we're in there walking around doing this thing, making, we're trying to be, you know, have a little, a nice angle towards the space between the fighters. So like a triangle and I'll pick, you got to pick one side unless they're mirror stance and that's one open side.

But usually you got to pick one open side. Pick the side with the wrestler because he's usually going to draw the foul. He's going to change level when the kick comes and usually catch a foul. So, yeah, that, that I do do that one a little differently. One of the things I watch all the time, guys, this is just because I'm a sick fuck is, you know, every once in a while I'm very lucky and I act. And when you act, you just don't act standing still. You got to walk into something or you got to say right there is your mark where you're

going to stop and then you're going to start again and take three steps. You know, but you always have to be aware of where the camera is. Various, you guys are fucking great at that shit. Like especially you, you do the last two fights. You usually do a couple early ones, but usually the motherfucking the last two fights. Yeah, I got lucky. I got to do the last two last time. You always, always, always you're doing something towards the end.

The big fights, the money fights. I mean, you know where the cameras are at every different arena. You never stand in front of it. Sometimes the ref and these guys getting hit. You're like, move out of the fucking way. You know, these guys are great. Do you know? Well, yeah, you know, the UFC is pretty simple.

They have the same setup just about all the time except for now they got the boom camera. They took out that one front and now they're using a boom to come in and do that. But yeah, I know where those cameras are and it kind of, it's in the back of my mind. Of course, there's some parts of my job that I got to do. Hey, I don't care where the cameras are. If I can, I mean, that's, that's one of the things I'm here to do is people are not here to see me. You know, so I try to stay out of the way. I've been in fights where I've heard the fucking punch.

And like, you hear it, dog. You hear the punch and your heart like goes, boom, boom. And also, let's say your normal person, it fucks with you. God forbid you smoke pot or something where your mind starts running away with you. And also, your ribs start hurting and you can't breathe because I've been there. I have anxiety attacks. I mean, do you know an appointment? Do you, you already know the sound?

Like one of the things is to say the Sylvia, whatever fight Frank me? Oh yeah, Sylvia Frank me a fight where he broke Sylvia's arm. You know, and maybe Tim Sylvia because the adrenaline, he didn't know what happened. You heard the motherfucking thing. Yeah, I think he knew what happened. He knew what happened. He's just that tough. Okay.

I asked him about it. I actually asked him about it afterwards. You know, I said, did you know your arm was broken? Because he, okay, if you guys don't know the story of it, if you haven't seen that fight, the guy, one guy broke the guy's arm, the camera didn't catch it, and he wanted to continue fighting afterwards. I stopped the fight. Everyone was angry with me.

And then, then Joe Rogan, he saved me. He said he found a replay, showed it where the arm broke. But I talked to Tim Sylvia afterwards and I asked him, did you know your arm was broke? He says, yeah, yeah, I know it was broke. So, well, what was your plan? He says, well, I knew I had 45 seconds before the pain got real bad. So, I was going to knock him out with my other hand. This is no joke.

This is him straight from the hospital with his arm in a cast. Yeah. You know, because you know, you just know, you know, when you talk to baseball guys, they'll say, even if they're looking at the fucking moon, they could know where that ball's going just by the bang off the ball, you know. Anybody watch the Clint Eastwood movie where he plays the, The Scout? The Scout.

Yeah. At the end, the movie gets saved because even though he's old, he could hear that the kid can't, whatever. He can't bat, he can't hit the curve. That's what it was. He heard it. The same thing with you. You hear certain things sometimes, you know,

somebody gets hit in the fucking jaw and they're still standing. That was a bomb. I got to watch this motherfucker. You know, you never know. I mean, I just watched, what was the one when Rafael Lavera got hit and he was still standing and all of a sudden he moved a little bit and he went down. I forget who hit him. Who?

Thank you. You're a savage. Fucking Joe Rogan Jr. over there. I love it. I'm feeling kind of bad. I was, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much, brother. Thank you.

Fucking encyclopedias. Now these guys are beasts, man. Some of the, that's definitely one thing is I can't, I can't predict it on how hard the shot was because things that, these guys go through things that, you know, I would, I'm like, fuck it. I'm done. That's enough.

And these guys take hammers, man. Some of these guys get, I mean, just bombs dropped on them and they just walk it off like it's nothing, you know. You know, it's funny. I try to do as much as I can. I'm a fat fuck guys, but I believe that you could be a healthy fat fuck sometimes. So I joined this movie Thai school. I mean, this is November. I quit smoking.

The baby was born. I still hit it twice a week. I like it because I go either 10 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 6 o'clock or 8 o'clock at night. I really dig it, you know. It's a walking distance from my house. I just never walked. I just, but it's walking distance. People always tell you that it's walking distance, but there you are fucking driving.

Where's the valley part anyway? And it's weird that I've been going lately and I never had a problem there. And the last month I've had these kids that think they want to be fighters. You know what I'm saying? They got the bad boy short time and the nice gloves and the tight, what do you call them, rash guards. And they got gel in their hair. And I asked the one guy, you want to be a, you a fighter?

He's like, oh no, I'm a school teacher or some shit. I'm like, what the fuck? And the other mook was rubbing the fucking Thai juice on his arms. I'm like, what do you do? He's like, I'm a nurse. Really? With the fucking Thai juice and all this shit? I mean, you know, and then they get kicked in the head.

It's funny that the UFC is great, but at the same time you're getting these. Like when I was a kid, my big thing was Batman. Once I saw the green hornet, fuck up Batman. That's it. That was it, guys. Fuck boxing. I was going to be the next Bruce Lee. I joined the karate school because that was it.

Can you imagine now with the UFC, how many people think they want to be fighters? Oh yeah. It's terrible, guys. And it's a horrible situation to think you want to do something and to get clocked in the fucking head where you see stars and moons and no more. And then people say, well, when is your next fight? And you just can't say it. You're sick to your stomach.

You didn't want to say it, you know? And then now you've got to fight. Now you've got to fight. You just want to get beat up to the career ends. It's a terrible thing to get involved if you really don't. If your heart's not really into it, right? It's amazing how many people now. This is inspiring the fight, but it's inspiring the fight maybe for the wrong reason.

Yeah. Actually, they all show up at my referee school. They show up and want to be referees. And after they get beat up? No, no, before. They're smart enough to know beforehand, like, I don't want to get punched, but it's a good place to be. I want to be in there somehow, but not getting punched.

And so they want to be referees. And so they show up at my referee school. And they have the shorts on, you know, walking around the city with the tight shorts on. Yeah, yeah. It's like that Mia commercial. When the guy comes in, he's doing flying slide kicks and shit. He throws the kick. The guy knocks him out and shit.

He goes down. You remember the first time he got punched hard? That said, what the fuck is going on with me? Oh, yeah. What was the first time he got punched real fucking hard? Okay. The first time I got punched hard was some older kids framed to my junior high. And I think they were jumping some kid or whatever they were about to.

And then I didn't even know I got punched. I just remember I was on one side of the street and then I was on the other side of the street. And I looked over and the guy was like, yeah. He was congratulating himself. Yeah. Did you? Of course. No, yeah.

I went over there and I handled mine. But yeah, that was a very different experience for me. The first time I got fucking hit real hard, Herb Dean, was a Goju Karate class. It was a black school. In fact, the son is Renato Laranjo. Eddie Bravo's black belt is the son. The father's name was Mr. Orange. This is 1970 guys.

I'm seven fucking years old. I'm a rotten Cuban kid. I got no dad. My mom's spoiling me. I think I'm fucking Bruce Lee in heat. The maid made me, not the maid. We had no maid. The babysitter made me turn off a Wi-Fi, though.

Not the shit you watch now, but the original. And I hit her in the head with a shoehorn. And my mother was like, you need control. And at that time I had some brawls in the building. I fought this Haitian kid, Rudy. And I had him and his father got in and the kid hit me and then my mother chased him with a knife. And then I had another brawl in the building. I forget what that one was.

So my mother said, I think it's time for you to join Karate. It was 1970. 171 came and Fist of Fury was out. Everybody. That's it. Guys, it was over in this country. I was a young kid. I didn't know the language.

I lost my fucking mind. I was in Chinatown buying karate shoes. I had a fucking suit. When Bruce Lee died, that was traumatizing for me. Traumatizing. But in those days, there wasn't no jujitsu. There wasn't no fucking nothing. There was two things.

It was like karate and karate. You want to take one, though? You had to go to Long Island and shit. There was no jujitsu. It was karate, a little bit of kung fu in Chinatown. But for the most part, where I live, it was black dudes teaching fucking the black geese with the fist. They said, go ju and the whole fucking thing. I liked the dudes in that movie, Fighting Black Kings, right?

Which one? You see the movie where the movie about the dudes in the karate schools from New York, the black dudes who went over to fight in the Japanese cinema. You got to watch the movie, Fighting Black Kings. Well, the big guy out here that has a disciples, sir, Moses Powell, the big chubby brother that was throwing motherfuckers around, like, you just come in there, he'd be like, eating, and you're going to karate school in Harlem,

and he'd just fucking throw you around. That's a complete different story. Vinny was one of his students, and this was, I walked in there, and I made it to, like, Greenbelt. And at the end of the, this guy used to, this is how different karate was then. This motherfucker would make us run around Central Park with our geese on. Barefoot, motherfuckers, in the winter. In the fucking winter.

Barefoot. You know how embarrassing it is to run past your homies with a karate uniform on? And then have to see them the next day at school, and they're like, there he is. Fucking, fucking Bruce Lloyd, there he is. And now they start, no, it was different, dog. This black dude would make us run, and this fucking with black geese on. And there was 40 students, three of us were white. One Puerto Rican dude, I was Cuban, and like a real Irish dude that was crazy.

But everybody else was black with the afros. And at the end of the class, he teach you a technique, you stretch. In those days, it was two hour classes. It was 3.30 to 5.30, and the motherfucker checked your report card. Oh yeah, you had to have fucking bees to go to this motherfucker's class. Or he whip you with a fucking paddle, and your mom would go outside. It was like fucking, what was that movie with Denzel backwards? He'd be whipping fucking white kids, oh no, no, no.

You better get a bee motherfucker for black. So he liked me, I was doing a form and stuff, and I had a spar. And in those days, you had to go to tournaments, and it wasn't full contact, it was semi. So it was the neck to the stomach, and that's it. And if you kicked the groin, you got the motor to the point, and the head you got thrown on. And this fucking guy kicked me in the fucking stomach. I didn't know what it was called. I was skinny then, I was just a young fucking Cuban kid.

He kicked me in the fucking stomach, the wing got knocked out of me. That's the worst thing ever. I went home and put in the fucking geek all the way away in the closet. When I was there putting the hamper, no need to, I ain't going back there. Let's try ballet, fuck it. And I remember she walked me back there. That was the first time I doubted myself, and my mom goes, nothing, you're alive. So what they knocked you out, look for the kid today, and just kick him in the fucking stomach.

That's it, that's America. You kid, you're getting bullied. So what else is cracking, Doug? What's the next fight you got? Okay, tomorrow I leave for Brazil, Rio. Yeah, yeah. USC and Rio is good. Jose Aldo, Korean zombie.

Damn. I was just going to ask you, especially for you, Joey, and the next guest. You guys went to big stadiums, especially Brazil. What is it like when you go in with like tens of thousands of people cheering? Does it fuck with you at all, or are you at this point just it doesn't matter? You know, most of the time, you know, every now and then it reminds me, you know, there's a lot of people watching this. You better focus here. Yeah.

Brazil is a little intense because, I mean, the fans, the crowd is intense in Brazil. I like the Brazilian fans because, I mean, they know the whole thing. Like everything, you know, Bruce Buffer, the announcer. Yeah, of course. Everything he says, they say it right on time with him. In English, the whole stadium. So like the first time, Bruce, I mean, like he's getting all misty. Like, they know everything I say, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so that was cool. And it's a little intense. Like, I mean, they, I mean, they grab you for the pictures. I mean, they're like, it's, yeah. And what is it like? Like, does it slow down because it's so fast, like they play replays sometimes. Like, I didn't see that at all.

And like you, like you, you, you and all the other reps usually like see it. Like, does it slow down? Like, it seems like you would have to at some point. No, I think you're in a moment. I mean, you're right there. So, yeah, you have the adrenaline where things are slowing down for you also. Yeah. And so, yeah.

I mean, it's sometimes a look, you know, we live by that replay. So if you ever watch us as soon as we stop something, we're looking up at you. Oh, you look at, okay. Oh, yeah, we're up there. That's, yeah. That's awesome. When you're in there with these guys fighting, your heart's pumping. Oh, yeah.

You're fucking heart's pumping. You're right there. Especially with heavy weights. We're going to smack this shit. Yeah. Really? Yeah, with the heavy weights. Because you know, in just an instant, something can change.

Yeah. I don't know, man. That shit's fucking crazy. I'll stick to this shit. That's a tough one. But I like what you do. I mean, you know, it's amazing. Like I said, it's amazing that they all get tortured.

You know, you don't see Big John no more. Mazagali. You know, they kind of like the French guy. That's brutal with Mazagali. Yeah, they're brutal with Mazagali. But they torture the French guy too. What's that even mean? I remember I was on a fight one time and it was like one of those second or third fights

when there's nobody in there. You know, and all of a sudden they're like the refs, Steve Levine. All of a sudden it's like, Steve Levine, fuck you. Like how the fuck do you feel after that? And you got to stand there and take it like fuck you. And you're like, okay, you know, we'll fight. You really like to just call a time I go fuck you too. Fuck you, man.

No. You ever feel like somebody says something and you want to jump that fucking cage? Yeah, yeah. Most of the time it's like, you know, sometimes it's like, you want to tell your friends like, could you go find that guy? I remember one time I went and these guys were going crazy. And they had this band that says we want to party with Joe Rogan, right? And they fucking were going nuts.

They were going nuts that whole area and I'm sitting there looking at this. And afterward Joe's like, what were they yelling about? Like you have no fucking idea that they had a band that said we want to party with Joe Rogan. That poor guy, you're so involved. I thought that he's looking around too when you guys, there was something that happened in New Jersey where some chick was yelling. Somebody was fighting and she kept yelling from the stands. And this area was going to fucking kill her.

I mean, it's fucking, it gets crazy. The places that you go to sometimes you think they're going to be crazy. They're cool. Then the places that's supposed to be cool are fucking crazy. And you guys don't see it. You're in, I'm in the stands over fucking time. So it's different in the stands. Yeah, it's tremendous.

It's tremendous. And the farther away the better. You know, the farther away the better. And I got pros and cons for that. I've sat in all three fucking sections. And the middle seat, if you guys go to a UFC, get the middle seat because you're always going to be looking up anyway. Trust me, you're always going to be looking up at the banner. It's so fast.

When you go to a live fight and you watch what these guys do is when you realize you're like, what the fuck? You know, I can't wait to have it in 3D for like an extra $9,000. You get like UFC 3D and they shoot blood in your face. How good would that be? What's the future for her? When's the next camp? You do a referee camp. Yeah, yeah, the next one's going to be November 8th and 9th.

November 8th and 9th, right here in Pasadena. We do it at my gym, the Fight Academy. So listen guys, let's, well, family here is dark. If you're getting tired again, let's say you go to the beach and somebody throws sand in your face. If you're getting tired of it, you don't want to do push-ups and sweat. You go to her beans camp and you learn how to fucking do this right from the other side. You never know. You never know until you go.

You might like it. You're sick and tired of getting bit slapped. You know, being in a gym with balls on your face. You're in that position and that ass is there and you're trying to sweep a motherfucker. You imagine like, yeah, I'm going to sweep him. I'm going to stab him. What fucking sweep him? He's got his ass right in my fucking face.

You're holding him up and shit. And if I'm, if I'm jujitsu with you and my ass is in your face, that's all I'm going for at that point. I'm not even going for anything else. Fuck it. I'm just going to go backwards and land. Stick around because this guy's a fan. Coming up, my brother, the last, last comic standing winner right here from fucking somewhere in California. My brother, Mr. Felipe Sparza.

Oh shit. It's going to get good like a motherfucker in here now. What's up, fool? What's happening, baby? Yeah, baby. What's up, baby? What's up, man? I'm happy to see you.

I'm happy you're here. This is a first for you. Tell the people why there's, it's a homecoming for you to come to the Ice House. They never booked me here. Unless it's Taco Tuesday. Free Friday. Free Friday. Slap your mama Wednesdays at the black show.

No love. What's been going on, dog? I just got back from El Paso, Texas. Oh shit. Chico's tacos. It was funny, man. Like from my hotel room, you know, I got the bad side. I was there in Mexico every morning.

It was, man. I was like, oh, darling, mommy. Oh, man. I got kidnapped. What? Yeah, man. Oh, you know what's funny, man? I was partying with a Mexican, you know.

So sometimes I partied with a lot of Mexicans all the time. But sometimes, you know, I'm with a Mexican. He takes off his t-shirt, you know. I'm more Mexican than you, puto. And they want to fight, you know, so I had them deported, man. What the fuck? Yeah. I say over there, the guy washing my truck.

Yeah, man, you want a party? Give me Coke and shit? This time you're cleaning soap and stuff. Fuck, yeah, man. I went straight to my room, man. You even, if you were to do cocaine, it'd be gluten-free vegetarian cocaine. Have to be vegan, man.

You imagine that shit, vegan cocaine? Like, that's the next level. Fucking organic tweakers and shit. And they don't smell like garlic, they smell like corn and shit like that. Have a pipe on one hand, a young coconut on the other hand? Fucking amazing, man. El Paso, when you just say El Paso,

I get like goosebumps. Herb Dean, I used to cause a lot of drama in fucking El Paso. Yeah, man. It's right there. It's the mouth of, it's the mouth of El Paso. And the coke is a purist, too, because it just came from Mexico. And Herb Dean, I was younger then.

And I go there, I go to El Paso every six weeks. And they had a condo. And you know what? People would knock on the fucking door. People would knock and go, how you doing? I'm a drug dealer. You need anything?

They'll bring a bag and a water burger. The last two guys, yeah. The last two guys bought drugs from me. I was just knocking on the fucking doors. There was like two to like, Texas is a complete different dimension when you first go to it. Like, right now I have regrets in my life.

I didn't join the Marines and represent the country. I didn't go to fucking college in Texas. I fucked around in Colorado like some skier. If I would have gone to Texas after Jersey, I would have been like Montana. Remember when he said I would have had my own boat, my own golf course? I would have had everything in Texas.

Texas is fucking crazy, guys. But when you first go there as a comic, your career goes from not career, your party career. Like, let's say you're like, yeah, I got cousins, and they let me snore glue one time. Once you go to Texas, all bets are fucking off.

Like, everybody, it's a complete different. Like, you go to a comic club, and sometimes they go, listen, when I get to the club, I need weed. And they go, well, you could be careful in Jacksonville, you know, and you got to ask like a waitress, and she'll say, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then she'll get you like a waitress that's been beat up.

You can tell, you know, what kind of weed you want. And you got to drive it to a mother's house, who's got four kids, and then you got to drop one of the kids off, and you got to drive to Orlando, to Disneyland, and then the fuck, and pick up the weed. You know, when you go to Houston,

you can walk in right after the first show, the Thursday night, somebody will come up to you, whether the owner sends them to you, it'll usually be a Mexican dude with like a tattoo, and a beard, and the fuck, and they'll come up to you. A lazy eye. A lazy eye. It's like, what do you need?

And you're like, what are you talking about? What do you want? heroin, coke, pills, jacuzzi's, you know. And that's Texas, guys. That's fucking Texas. You know, at the first hotel they put you in, in Houston, people would not, all you had to do was go to the hallway at 2.15. You were going to meet like a runway chick that came in,

somebody dropped her off. You'd meet somebody to mingle with, you know what I'm saying? Somebody, you could knock on doors and get beers. I hadn't seen things growing up, but I had never seen how crazy the party scene was until I went to Texas. It'll pass us to a different fucking level. Dude, the guy at the front desk, he was taking me to the club,

he goes, hey homie, whatever you need, just ask me. So he delivered like some weed to my hotel room. And it was like, man, the second time that shit was light, homie. I mean, light. It was like 60 bucks for an eighth, but it was like a gram and a half. I was looking for a supervisor. Fuck that, man. I gave him a fuck, he won't yell, man.

That shit was light. And normally I don't complain, man, but that shit was light, big dog. I'm going to tell you guys. Light. I'm going to tell you guys. I'm going to tell you guys something. I'm going to tell you guys something. You know, I don't know if you know anything about me.

I've been in some trouble and stuff like that, and I've gone to some dark places. I'm going to tell you something. All my life I couldn't wait to go to Mexico. I was always scared that I would go to Mexico. I would just disappear. I saw all the movies. You know, when you're a Cuban kid,

you have nobody to look up to, Rick Ricardo. When I came here, that's it. You know, but you see fucking, what's the guy that I like? The guy that played fucking revenge. He played the Mexican that beats up Kevin Costner's girlfriend and leaves her blind and fucks her and shoots her with like, dead sperm and shit. I mean, Anthony Quinn.

You know, Anthony Quinn was my fucking idol. Once I found out he was Mexican, my mind almost fucking exploded. He played Neil Dolan Croach in the fucking Gotti movie. That was, as long as he could fucking act, I thought I had a shot. You know, I thought I had a fucking shot, guys. I mean, and then I watched Fools Russian.

No, I watched a bomba, right? I watched a bomba, right? I watched a bomba when they go to Mexico in that village and the grandmother cooks the tamales and shit. Once I saw that, guys, I was done. Look who lived there. If I go to Mexico, I ain't coming back, because why? I'm gonna get a little fucking tent

and one of those little Mexican women to flip cards and look into my future. Don't go out today, fucking. I ain't. Stay home and smoke weed, fucking. That's what I was thinking. You must be a psychic, Abuela. I love the bomba, man.

Esa Morales kicks the ass in that movie. But I go to El Paso. We go to El Paso as feature acts. Joey Medina was booking the club for $300 to go to El Paso. The plane ticket was $280. So you made $20 or you took a bus for $35 from LA

that left at 11 o'clock at night. You pick it up on Fifth and Main. Right downtown. And you got there one in the afternoon the next day. You had two of them. You had Trailways, which was the white bus. People were nice. You got a ticket. You made stops.

Then you had the Mexican bus that they had videos in Spanish. They stopped where they want to fucking stop. They'll pick you up at Food for Lens. Oh, yeah, they don't fuck around. They don't fuck around. I made the mistake because it was 109 for Trailways,

but like 35 round trip for Viva Mexico Airlines and shit. It's funny, like, if you catch the Mexican bus to go to Colorado, it goes to El Paso first. It goes to Wichita, Wyoming, then it goes to Colorado. Guys, you want to go on a fucking journey.

Fuck all these busies. Go on a cruise ship. Just listen. Take like a, eat like a pot cookie and take one of those, take one of those Mexican buses to El Paso. Just take the joint. Bring your little fucking half a fat camera which you do the whole thing.

And you know what, I'm like the third stop. I got to stay on the bus the whole way, but you're going to see what living's all about. You're going to see what rock is all about. Fuck your plans. You're going to see the immigration walking the bus with a dog, waking people up.

Who was the first person you went to El Paso, Texas with? I was by myself. I took the Greyhound bus, 70 bus round trip with Ben Creed and some other comment. I forgot his name. I took it with this black dude that was supposed to be cleaning sober. I swear to God.

The whole time I met him, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We get down to the houses. Right? So I'm like, look at this guy. I'm like, you're snorting coke? No, man. I haven't done it. No, man, it's flim, it's flim. All right, no worries.

It's 4th of July week, so I go down there and share enough by the second night. I mean, this is the first condo I stayed at. And I'm not kidding you, that's the first time I've been in a condo. Like, you got up at 4 and there was like 4 people that read the part, and they're like, yeah, we partied here last week and you're like,

listen, I gotta get up at 6 to do radio. This is crazy, guys. The second night, finally, I got a package and I couldn't believe how good it was and I couldn't believe how cheap it was. I was all fucked up then. So what do I do on that? The last show was on Saturday.

I bought an 8-bar for like $53. This is 1998. I broke it in half and I hit the one piece outside because I know I'd be too paranoid to go outside and get the other piece. I did it. I stayed in, slept,

and the next afternoon I went to the bus with this rock of coke. I'm going to fuck all these people, immigration. Nobody's gonna pull me over on the bus. Fuck these cocksuckers. I get on the bus, I do a blast, and I'm off and running. I get on there with a shirt

and a white beater. And next thing you know, I had the shirt off and I had the white beater on. I'm back on the bus. My legs are moving. I'm acting all fucked up. And after about two hours, I'm blasting in the back like a savage.

And after like two hours, I'm sure it'll fucking get spilled over. Three fucking cop cars and I got this slab of coke. Now I'm old school. I've dumped a bunch of coke in my life. I get shitty about yourself, dump coke, and then get to be a

dry run. You get pissed off at yourself. Why did I dump it? I wasn't dumping this. I decided to snort it off. Like a soldier! I was in the back of the fucking bus. I had time. I just crushed that mother fucking rock up. They had the dogs out there. Roof! Roof!

I took that. And I had the bathroom right here so I could flush. I took that mother fucking and I just kept puffing the fucking line. And I did that whole fucking rock and I flushed that mother fucking, hey you got out of the bathroom! I was in the bathroom

when you came. I had to finish. And I sat there sweating fucking profusely. Paranoid. The jaw was going. I had to hold it in place. You got to hook like the jaw with a missing tooth. You're like Jeff Dunner with no puppets.

Oh fuck! I'm not a geek. You ever go to Texas, Herb Dean? Yeah, yeah, I've been to Texas. You ever had any good experiences in Texas? I've had a lot of, nothing like those. No, no, no. Yeah, but

I've had some good experiences in Texas. Were you there for Houston? For St. Pierre? Matt Serra? That fight? No, you know, I wasn't there for that one. But I've been there for a bunch of different fights.

Dallas? Dallas is good. Vito Belfort? Yeah, you know, it's all a blurb. Rich Franklin on one of those diets? Yeah, yeah, I've been there for... St. Pierre Man over there. Don't just sit there, you fuck. You're all in one.

I've been to Alabama for fights. I've never been to Alabama. That was before it was legal. No, I would go there to referee fights for Butterbean. He would promote fights. I referee midgets once. Where was Butterbean today?

Probably in Alabama, I'm sure. Cookin' pulled pork sandwiches, that's what he does. Yeah, you know what, the thing about him is he's fearless. That's why he can fight so good, because he has no neck, so you can't knock him out, so he has nothing to be afraid of.

You can't choke him. Yeah, yeah. You know, when I was young, I could take a punch, and then there was a couple of years that I'm like, I don't want to get punched no more. That's just not my business. It really sucks. It really fucking sucks.

I got my nose broken the first time, and it sucked. A straight punch, blood everywhere, and shit, it sucked. I got sucked in the ear in seventh grade, but I got some fat goth chick. Like, I don't know what goth was,

you know, a little Mexican kid just got here. I thought, hey, who died, hey? She said, you're fucking mom. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

My first fighting movie, though, when I first started liking fighting, was Clean Eastwood and Everywhere's Way But Loose. Oh, that's a good movie. That's real, right? That's real backyard fighting, huh? Yeah, yeah. People did it like that, right? Back then? Yeah, I think so. I think so.

Kimbo? Kimbo? Kimbo Slice? Kimbo Slice. What? That's you, but you just kept getting Joey, right? No, I'm sorry, dawg. The fucking Lee gave me a Chee Boat Chew with me. I gave it to you.

Yeah, I gave it to you, too. How you feeling, Lee? I haven't talked for the past half an hour, have I? Because you're high or we haven't let you? Because I'm high. He takes off high. He says, all right, have a little piece. He drips half of it off. You look here.

And then 20 minutes later, he's like, I didn't see you eat it. I'm going to give you another piece. I didn't see him eat it. I can't do business with this guy. He's none of the cover. Oh, fuck. I got a question for Felipe. What's up? I just started dating a Mexican girl and I just met her mother.

Do you have any advice for me? She doesn't speak English, so freak me out. You're going to be the co-signer of the whole house, bro. I told them that probably. They're going to love you more than any other guy she dated, bro. I'm telling you. To her, she made it, man. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, man. They're looking at her. They're looking right now behind your back. Pinchy homeowner future. It's over. They're going to jump you away, bro. Keep your radar jacket. They cooked for them and shit.

They gave them fresh tortillas, home made. They fucking gave them about meat to go. That's what a fucking mother-in-law does. For you fucking chicks that can't get a husband. You hear this shit? There's this date. The mother made a nine-course meal for this kid. Doesn't even speak the fucking language.

And here's where it gets better. Gave him a box of shit to go, cock-suckers. Damn. This kid came up here. We ate outside of the car, like savages. We were putting the meat into the fucking tortillas, like savages. But that's it. Don't break your heart, bro.

How fast did it take you to fall in love? How many nights? How many nights? How many nights? I remember going... Guys, I remember going over there and I could see the thing from ear to ear. And I go, what's up?

And I was talking to him in some way. He goes, I have a girlfriend now. You know, I'm like... When did this happen, Lee? I'm telling you. I started dating her. You bad motherfucker. Where did she live at? Inglewood.

Inglewood? Oh, shit. I always worry about them guys. I worry he's gonna call me. Joey, come get me. They tied me up. They took my car. I'm naked. They put a swat stick on my back. They farted in my face.

I can't believe it. They put an egg on my chest. Oh, my God. I'm happy for you, Lee. I really am. Thanks, buddy. You're 25, you're a handsome bad motherfucker. Look at you. You sabotaged you. You...

No strip club for Lee. He's done. Thank you. He don't want to go nowhere no more. He's in love, guys, you know. You know what the problem is? Let me tell you something, Lee is a sweet guy. They don't even make him like this motherfucker no more. For you ladies that don't want to cheat,

there he is. That's the guy right there. Don't be a fucking boyfriend. Put that little pussy in his face. And watch this motherfucker melt. You're all fucked up. That's a catch right there, Lee, if you... So get his Facebook address and...

Work on it now. You never know. Maybe he'll break up with the girl and you slip right in and shit. Next thing you know, you're at work singing Aliyah songs and shit. What else, gentlemen? What's happening, Herb Dean? What's next? You're going to fucking Brazil. Then you come back.

That's August 3rd. That's August 17th. You go to Boston. I go to Boston. And that's Chail, Sonnen, Rua, Ninja, Shogun. That's a very good card. And then the next card is Milwaukee. Milwaukee, you know, before that I go to Indiana. They do something in Indiana.

No shit. Indianapolis. I'm not sure who's on the car, but they have a UFC fight now on Wednesday. So I stay out there and go to Milwaukee earlier. That's cool. So you're like us. You travel... We've been on flights together.

Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Who do you see at the airport? Stuff like that. Who's the craziest person you saw at the airport? Oh, what's his name? The Hedgehog. Ron Jeremy. I always see him. I always see him at...

At Burbank, yeah. Damn. When you imagine going on a plane, when you start looking, I'm getting all paranoid and shit. This might be the fucking flight that goes down. Fuck. Especially in the last two weeks, flights have been going down, so you've got to worry now,

but usually when flights go down, I go fuck it. He's leaving tomorrow. Why are you saying this? He's going to... I'm leaving Friday. What tough is now? Joey asked me something on the podcast the other day, and since you're such a big fan, what do you think about

performance enhancing drugs? Are you against it for it? Especially in baseball, it's a little weirder because it's just hitting and it's not... What do you think about it in fighting? Well, okay, well, it's against the rules right now. Not just weed, but anything.

Oh, I wasn't even thinking about weed. I was thinking about the... Performance enhancing, I was thinking about... I was thinking about steroids and stuff like that. Yeah, well, I think we want to live in playing fields, so we don't want people on steroids.

Unless everyone's going to be on steroids. Interesting. Yeah, man, you just ripped this guy's throat off. I mean, listen, man, is it really true that what's his name is out of baseball? Alex Rodriguez? Not yet. Almost. I've seen fucking the kids.

You know what I've seen tonight, guys? I've seen the ultimate kiss of death, and I got to tell you something. I love being Cuban. I love the struggle. I love that we're in Godfather 2. You know, fuck Scarface. Godfather 2 is bad to the bone. Jose Conceco is an embarrassment,

but I thought by now he would have been shot in the fucking head. He really is. And tonight, he wrote on there, on Twitter, somebody retweeted it, and I saw it, and I had to fucking almost shoot myself. It wrote that, uh, Al Rodriguez, take that bitch tits

or something like that. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I don't know about sports. I know that some guy got caught and he lied. Now people are defending him or whatever. I know they have like 60 people that are going to get caught.

What the fuck brought baseball back? Steroids. Yeah, yeah. You know, so you sit there, and you go, what the fuck? I'm going to go out to the people that brought it back. I'd go out to the fucking rats. You know what I'm saying?

You know, the other day I went to the... I'm not trying to be funny here. I'm just trying to be honest with you people. The other day I went to the... The heart doctor. I did. You know why? Because he's got the best magazine selection.

But this motherfucker had an old magazine, and he had that good-looking black dude, and it says, the first gay man in sports. And you know, and it's right there. And I remember when that came out,

and this is how I think. I'm like, this guy, everybody's happy for him, but now they don't know, nobody wants to be his teammate. That's just the way it is next season. Let's fucking see. The torture, this guy's going to get in the fucking locker room. What do you think, the NBA's going to give him his own fucking locker room guys?

What do you think, fucking black dudes are going to sit in there from the fucking ghetto? You understand me? These guys don't know nothing, what are you going to hear then? What the fuck are you going to hear then? Don't look at me, you guys know what I'm talking about. It's amazing what you see

and what you really see. I remember when Ricky Williams got traded from fucking New Orleans in the heart of his career. That was the first accusation that he was dressing up like Batman on the fucking weekends. And going, that was the first accusation and when they ship him off to fucking Miami,

where he dressed like Batman and then he went fucking nuts. They always send it to Miami. I don't know, I don't even know what's going on. I'm sorry. I should have never ate a Chibo chew, fucking cocksucker. It's just amazing what you see in sports

and what they want you to fucking perceive. You know, I can see like with the UFC. Listen guys, how many of you guys in the audience? This might be 90 of you motherfuckers. How many of you guys really go to the gym three times a week and sit there for an hour and a half? An hour and a half.

Not go and put your fucking cell phone in your pocket and call your bitch and throw an ITU YouTube video. I'm talking, go in there raw? Nothing. An hour and a half, three times a week. Unless you're 20, you got to be fucking sore. Think about learning three disciplines of fucking week.

Think about going for an hour, three hours of jiu-jitsu, three hours of kickboxing, three hours of wrestling, two days of conditioning, 19 hours of fuck. Think about it, guys. How much recovery do you have? So now they have drugs that'll help you recover a little bit. They're even recovering eight fucking hours.

Think about, you know, unless you walk in those shoes, the fan always says, fuck it, it's ruining sports. Whatever the fuck it's ruining. We don't know that side of the fence. I walk to the park with the baby in the morning. I'm fucking sore. You know, I go around the fucking loop

North Hollywood two times, back and forth to the house. I got to stop by Yum Yum Donuts. And even then, you know, I'm still a little fucking out of it. You follow me? I can't imagine these guys. Three disciplines. Three disciplines. They got to tie it all together and then do strength and conditioning

and pray to God. They don't pull a muscle or somebody bumps into them in jiu-jitsu. Or somebody, you know what I'm saying, guys? Are you terror bicep? Or, so, I don't know. I always, when it comes to that shit, I have nothing to fucking say. I did blow for 30 years.

You don't want to hear what I'm saying. My opinion, don't count. Maybe they have really good diets. I think that's what they say. Maybe they have a really good diet. Take good care of themselves. Me or them? Them.

That's how they're able to do that, do their nutrition. I would take steroids to get funnier. You do. You smoke marijuana. I think I saw you take those. You smoke marijuana. That's a knock. If you piss dirty in the UFC,

like our friend Pat Healy, who's going to be on the podcast in Portland, you're going to come up hot and the violas are going to pull. Or one of the Diaz brothers came up hot. They're going to pull your license. Some of us that smoke dope say, you know, whatever. What? I don't know.

I know sometimes you ever go to the gym and you're not stoned. It's a boring fucking world. You ever go to the gym and you forget to get high and you go in there and you're like, fuck! What? You already got the epileptical and you're like, fuck it, I'm over here.

After 11 minutes, you're hating life. That shit don't sound the same. You know, because usually you got the TV, you got the iPod, and you got your mind fucked going. You know, and that really helps it when you and you forget how many sets you do and you, you know.

I can't play basketball without getting high, man. Yeah, I can't even think about going to the UFC without being high. I can't even think about going to yoga without eating edible. I can't go with my mom without being high. That's why I can't. I'm telling you.

It's not just yoga. I'd say you eat, like, a half of chocolate chip cookies, just a half. Not a whole, just a half. And you wait 35 minutes and you do, like, 50 push-ups and then you walk to yoga. By the time you get to yoga, you're on fire.

You can hear, like, a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. You take your socks off, you take your shoes off. You do the stretches. The dude comes in. He hits the bong. You know, he starts stretching. The gong, gong, not the bong. I don't know how you work out with it because, on Saturday, you gave me a Chiba Choo.

Right when Eddie Bravo got here, I had to walk into the green room, sit down, and I sat in March. Ocean's 11 with no sound for an hour Cuz I couldn't move I don't know how you do yoga, and you know like get freaked out like I Have two options. You have two fucking options. You could sit there and freak out. Yeah, or you could do something and blow by it But I can't like I can't even move like I like it But then you should have passed out you couldn't pass out if I can't move when I'm fucked up I just closed my eyes and pray

Right or wrong that's what normal people do You know many times I was on my quailude or two and I was like dying to get up to pee and I knew I couldn't get up And I just pee And then the room started spinning and I prayed to God start spinning God just put me to sleep and you fucking pass out You know you when you when you're high in an edible you got two options If I'm that high I want to pass out But if I'm that high that it's just a little freaking I get up move around do something You don't usually do that's when it really gets frigging do the dishes

Don't even if they're not dirty just put them in there and wash it And it's fucking amazing. It's amazing what happens, but don't just sit there. There's times it just hits you late I was telling Lee was telling somebody that One time I Did I did a tincture at Felicia's house before a podcast at 11 in the morning I forgot all about the thing you put in your mouth It's a nice couple came and gave us a bag of goodies and I put the tincture under my tongue

And I went home and I went about my life that night at 11 30 like a commerce casino It fucking hit me And I had to sit down, but I'm not waiting I can sit in a fucking commerce casino You got to walk those Filipinos who get you Those Filipinos they see a fat white dude sitting there. Hey, we have we have fat Cuban guy Scott face He looks like a fat Scott face What's up her team you're sitting there going what the fuck did I get myself right there? I thought this was inside the UFC

Where's where's Kenny Florean? What the fuck? Yeah, I Should have got high first. I think I should have got high first. I think right. No, you can't get high You got to be straight. You got to go to down the bazaar now. You don't know how many hours I think the flight's like 16 hours any but a psychopedia boy How far bits over there how many 14 hours of like 20 fucking hours

That's a day guys How do you do it you bring books? What are you fix? You know, I just sleep leave relax sleep. I just sleep you sleep the whole fucking 20 hours Well, no, I might read a book. I read a book or two, and then I go back to sleep I can't even imagine being on a plane for 20 hours like I don't have a passport, but sometimes it's like for what? Did they fly your first class at least? Oh? No, I Remember I went to Amsterdam with my girlfriend ex-girlfriend

Said I was like a 11 hour flight when we broke up during the flight man I'm serious We landed and we were never together no more stay in the same hotel Yeah, man, don't take your girlfriend man. You could break up And we're like we were it was a horrible man horrible to break up with somebody vacation man That's brutal I'm gonna we were walking down this path these stairs and she forgot her jacket. I'm gonna get in her jacket She said well, that's the nicest thing you've done to me all week now. I'm not gonna push down the stairs. I

Don't want to carry her jacket with me But it was Amsterdam though, bro And it'll be ended up a crack house in Amsterdam Speaking of working out that's a I did like a one setup for three days just staying like this When I got almost high dog I've done one set up for three days. I Was so Like I have a break right here, but the rest is just cement

Everything what's the coolest place you've been to to do a fight that you've really said wow this motherfucking place is banging Ah, let me see it's not a lot of cool. It's a Sydney's pretty cool Sydney, Australia You like Sydney, I do I like Sydney, Australia. Nice. What about here in the States? What place have you gone to I said, damn I could live here if I had to hope Chicago. Yeah, you like Chicago. I like Chicago. Yeah, you've been there fucking January It's a novelty for me. It's a novelty. It's a novelty for me because I grew up here. So it's a novelty. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about the worst place when you said damn man, I think this chase gonna bounce in this town No, there's no worse place El Paso was a challenge you guys love El Paso. It's challenging. It's challenging. What's that El Paso is challenging

I've been to some places. I don't know. I don't know like as a comic that went I don't know. How about you? You know anyway, but you won't go back like as soon as you're on the plane. You're like fuck this place Yeah, probably Modesto, California That's part of the smallest airport man like the cap the pilot gave me my bag But Outside there was hookers right outside the hotel room like you didn't have to look up on the internet They were out right outside old-school style

Only town that scared me ever Was Midland, Texas? Oh, man I went there with Marilyn Martinez. Marilyn Martinez weight 300 pounds. Yes. God bless her soul There was a she called me at two in the morning. There was somebody people in her fucking Okay, she weighed 300 fucking pounds. Who would peep and mow when the cops got there You can see the sperm on the window at the glass It was uh, it was a holiday in that was enclosed and the pool was in the middle And you can see like the the jizz floating on the pool

It was fucking disgusting What let me taste oysters. I'm gonna tell you some guys Anywhere you stop in Texas If there's three restaurants two out of three are gonna be two fucking places that you're gonna go. Holy shit That was delicious for 895 Me herb and fucking the flying Jew ate dinner three of us and we can't even we got buckets to go I Went to three places in that Midland and all three of them were bad. The worst was the Mexican food

How can Mexican food be bad close to the border? I have no fucking idea I'm gonna tell you who ran the club the kid that was married in Houston that was a magician That got married in Houston Jenkins, huh Jenkins Yes, this dumb motherfucker got married in Houston then told his wife in Houston He was going to open a club and in Midland and got married in Midland. So what's that charge? What's that's called? Well, give me polygamy. You could go to jail for that. Correct. Yeah. Yeah, what's it? But what's the charge polygamy? Okay, so this magician dumb motherfucker who stole everybody's jokes was down there Basically, he had them confused. He said I'll run the club for you guys now

The money was straight up Mexican fucking with the hats with the cowboy boots And they would come in and that was their place that they did business in a night. So they said fuck it Let's buy a comedy club this Bruce Rob Jenkins Rob Jenkins said talk these motherfuckers into a comedy club So he would put you up at the shitty fucking hotel and then you had to do three nights at this place the second night I'm there as I walk in he gives me an eight ball of the worst coke. I have ever done in my life He has three eight balls. He gives me one. He gives one to the feature and he keeps one Do you know that by the second show? He had already done his eight ball and he was asking to do mine. I hadn't tipped in it because I had a show

I didn't like doing coke before the fucking shows. It freaked me out. His fucking jaw Was going like up on stage and after people in the audience were coked up and the second night Orson the doors kicked open and the fucking DEA rated the fucking place Thank God. I had the coke under the couch I never had it in my pocket on stage not because I'm smart, but because you get sweaty and the shit melts Oh my god, Joey's a prophet. No motherfucker Even if it's humid down there your balls get sweaty You got the coke down there next thing you're gonna cut it when it's humid. You gotta wait for it to dry

I ain't got that type of time. I'm here for two nights That was the club in Miller nights I don't ever want the town scares you if you've been to other places in Texas and you find you fly into Midland, Odessa the fucking town will scared and I have a best friend down there And he's always telling me please come and visit me. I won't not even fucking close How about you Lee? What's the scariest place you've been talk sucker in good? Right around and she told me she's like right around the corners where they fell the film What's the Denzel movie training training D they filmed there?

probably Not not Israel, but when I was there I went to Jordan and that was kind of creepy, but uh, yeah, probably Jordan Why was it creepy? You have to walk like you have to walk across the border from Israel to Jordan and it's about like a half a mile walk and Then right when you get there you have to get a cab to like the nearest city Which is like an hour away and the cab driver like we got in and he just like start taking us places He told us about it's like he had like eight wives and like he stopped to get tea for like 45 minutes somewhere And it was just it was that was scary, but it was it was cool, but that was that was messed up

What kind of tea was it Everywhere in the Middle East they just have like it's like Arabic tea. It's good But it's like he like It was kind of like the Mexican bus they just he just decided he wanted to stop for tea and he stopped for tea That reminds me of a rough place. I did a fight in India once. Oh, that was that was a challenge Where India India India India India. Yeah, no shit Did you go there for UFC or just for the Indian fight league? It's called the super fight league And it's kind of cool because they do a they have like a Bollywood show in between they come out and they do the whole

Bollywood thing really they really do our Indians good at fighting Well, they the sport is new there, okay, so there's some who are there they're working on getting their athletes together I bet you they're a lot better than they were when I was there before And how many days were you there for? I think five or six each time what'd you eat? Ain't a lot of a lot of Indian food. Uh-huh. I would fucking die. I Hate Kerry guys the smell of it. There's a sushi place that I love all you can eat tremendous Helen Neona She's Korean. She's a freak. She let you touch a titties and shit

When you say hello, you can leave a hand there and squeeze it She just take the squeeze for the business, you know Baddest $19 all you can eat fucking squeeze my tit I bang it She's like 54, but the place next to it is a curry place. I can't take the smell. I get fucking dizzy I love I love Indian food, man. I know Kerry like more late to me, man What do you think about hummus tell Joey what you think about hummus? I love hummus my fucking staff both I go I get that I'm jalapeno cilantro hummus So watching had fields of McCoy

I Listen, I don't mind being a vegetarian Vegan I'm being when I was in Boulder. There was a lot of vegetarians. I don't know a vegan. I don't know a breakdown This is what I think is all right You don't want to eat meat because you don't like fuck I get it I get it. You want to eat chicken once a week and you want to eat lettuce and shit I get it. It's the other shit that they make believe like they'll do a fucking tridunkin Fucking they'll take a tofu and make a turkey out of it and bite you over

Tofur for Thanksgiving. Let me tell you something if you don't if I bite into that turkey And it's tofu. I will fucking snap I would not even want to see my face. I would not I would just imagine I would just fucking imagine like when I get hot and sour soup The first thing I do is I just throw the fucking tofu out of all of it I just sit there and pick all that shit out of that and that one place I go to I stop because they slice it thin They took they confused me those cock suckers Fuck them no more fucking lunch special those cock suckers. I go to the other place. You don't like soy riso and eggs tofu

Jesus fucking Christ. No Vegan Big Mac. No, I used to go to a vegetarian place in Boulder I forget it was my favorite of all time when I was in the halfway house I would eat that three times a day. They had this tea that would make your heads Stick up like you did fucking speed or speeding pills. It was amazing. You'd be eating breakfast and all of a sudden your hands would go They cancel the tea and the town of Boulder went crazy. They got a petition to bring it back That's how fucking good the tea was but they used to have a gazpacho in their vegetarian gazpacho fucking tremendous They had this thing called a Swiss granola. You ready for this from her D frozen vanilla yogurt

Strawberries blueberries bananas On a better granola with fucking seven grain toast with butter. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Sounds like a hiking trip. I'm telling you I Love all that shit, but the other deal the stuff you eat you make believe that food is fucking whatever. I can't do it for you, babe You like it. I love it, man You're never gonna go back to me never man never gonna go to King Taco. I'll go there man, but just take the sauce home You don't miss a good fucking steak Hell no man. Tell me the truth. I'm it tell me because I think about how hard it is for to come out now

You know come on walk come on. You know bleeding out of my ass and shit. No Fucking with a hemorrhoid, right? You have never been saddened, but you got a blow job wearing one of those hemorrhoid seats You're not comfortable on the hemorrhoid See getting a blow job man. You start crying Why would you get a hemorrhoid seat that's all but I On the pillow and move your hips like that So you leave like a little trail like a lizard to go and shit like like a snail as she's sucking your dick He just rub your ass on the pillow

It's funny my top people when I tell people you're vegan. You're so fucking fat, bro What the fuck you eat crops, bitch So what's like for breakfast at the Philippe based bars of house well, man, let me tell you man I eat I'm just I get on almonds and I put water Spinach kale bananas and then the the almonds and the banana make turns into milk almond milk Then you have a bad-ass shake, bro. Tell the coachata And then what's the mid-morning snack? Shut up pop suckers

What's the minute he's showing you his world in the morning and for lunch I just eat like you know like a bean burrito, you know with avocado in it or Or just that to a 40 now hold on temp it be just go to fucking 7-Eleven and get a bean a can of refried beans not Taco Bell Get a bean burrito with no onion with no cheese boom vegan for people Orioles are vegan man. I'll be turning up Orioles for people listening Joey's I don't think Joey's gonna be friends with you after this Listen, I just understand I understand. I'm not gonna be mad. It's coming from a gallery to do coke off a toilet I

Coke over someone's ass and now I'm like amen. Do that shit have butter, bro So what's for dinner at the Felipe house? That's the yummy one a pasta Chinese food No, no, no, but what's the pasta hit me? It's like wheat pasta With olive oil onions, you know bell peppers I Know she comes us moves like Dairy Queen. No tomatoes. I don't fuck with tomatoes man. No shit No tomatoes and when do you eat tofu? Tell me how you eat tofu? Well, there's two different kinds matter one. You could just crumble up or so you can make it taste like

scrambled egg There's another one you crumble up. You could taste like ground beef What it's like ground beef if you forgot what ground beef tastes like, you know, I mean Why why no tomatoes joys about the pass out Like I have to be a fat pig man was fatter than this I remember I'm going to go to McDonald's all high and I always ordered a big Mac for 99 cents I'll just go man. Can I get a double cheeseburger, please with Big Mac sauce? And ask some lettuce

That's a big man for 99 cents player I Still I'm gonna be gay at heart. I could help help you save money her Dean. How's your diet talking about your diet, brother? Only me that I do eat fish, but other than that no no meat me to look fish. No meat at all No, I eat fish. I do eat fish. No chicken. No chicken. Just straight up fish. Just fish and what's for breakfast at your house? See Depends. No, it's not time. Oh, no, sometimes eggs. Yeah. Yeah, I do. I eat some this morning I had some

chopped up some mushrooms and some Some onions and all that kind of good stuff and what's lunch for lunch. What do I have for lunch? I Have prunes, I don't think I don't think I eat much. I didn't eat much I Like prune juice on the rocks prunes. That's some good shit that one juice I usually have Wahoo fish. Wahoo fish tacos. What's that? Wahoo fish tacos. Wahoo fish tacos What'd you eat today, Lily? They went to a some place called kookeroo or something. I got a chickens you just out for lunch

But you almost looks like you got dizzy when he said prunes you like I'm only like you went dizzy in your seat Oh me. Yeah. Oh, that's just from being a kid. I loved it I would drink prunes like a motherfucker when I was a kid. I just loved it that one label I love all that stuff prune juice pear juice. I just don't like all that stuff now like that stuff Just I couldn't drink a kale shake with cucumbers in it Fucking kill it and I know it's great for you guys the carrots and the beets It's got to be fucking great for you straight up. I could kale the lettuce. I just can't do it I could do the juice all day like if you told me 30 days of pineapples and peaches and grapes

I'll do that shit all day long. It's that kale that would kill if you hide it with the fruits It's not bad. You just have to put a bunch of fruit in it. I don't fucking hide nothing You still got to put in the goddamn blender, you know some peanuts in there Mint peanuts Make it a nice shake, you know, I forgot how good peanut butter was peanut butter is my peanut butter the bomb man Peanut butter is really the debt to me my wife told me she goes, you know last time I got peanut butter You ate that motherfucking four days my wife gets the light Listen, there's some things that I understand. You got a cut in half. We're getting a little older, you know

Sometimes you got to eat the turkey peanut butter's peanut butter. Fuck you half light You have light peanut butter tastes like dick all that shit Peanut butter is something that's supposed to taste like jiff if you don't get jiff I don't know what to tell you don't come over here And I'm 50. I don't want the crunchy shit here. It's my tooth. I Want the creamy shit fuck you with the crunch and whatever I'm a peanut butter freak sometimes you've just been hungry in the middle Night and you're thinking about lobster tail and steak And you're thinking about watching your food about tempi sauce and all set on a no way you like you got a loaf of fresh white bread and

brand new peanut butter and jelly in that refrigerator and that brings everything back to normal, don't Like the anxiety goes away like you were thinking about getting up and cooking and marinating the steak and Marinating and microwave and cutting up mushrooms and onions and that all broke down a fucking a jar a Squirt because now I got the squirt jelly. Fuck you And just putting the bread together and that's it you get to go with it's amazing what life is all about Talk to me her being what's the future the future You know, yeah peanut butter and you know, I do the same thing fights man fights and hanging out with my kids and all that Kind of good stuff. Yeah, I'm happy you came down. It's like, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me

And you know, I don't know if you guys just came for the first time, I don't know if you see the resemblance. We're fucking brothers I mean all four of us are brothers, but me and Felipe we go back to the second week. I was in this goddamn town and We just been there for one another since day one day one man, you know, I'm sure that's right. I'll day one man This is how tight I am with him and he knows this that we could write our own biography And then we could sit down and put up and we could probably put out a two-inch book about our escapades on the road And just going like right now 12 years ago. Where would where would we be on a Wednesday night? Look if a crack in the floor. No Walk a yo these men monabello

Every Wednesday got them daily planets the budget was like the budget was like 300 bucks You came by you picked up a 30 if you came by a free drink, drink and a meal and that's what it's all about And then when I had a room he come by the room Tuesday nights was the blue The blue sapphires left in the Hambra who the fucking people think you're dealing with some fuckers from Rick's burgers That's what happens when you eat peanut butter. So Tuesdays was that Friday and Saturday was Rudy Moreno's the brave bull right now the brave bull fucking on Hambra with three 19 different rooms There was a ride in there one night. They had one room with animals on the wall fucking tremendous So this is how back we could just write a book about this me and Rudy. He used to book a room in

Tucson called bug Z's bug Z's they're not dope there, too. Yeah, they had tremendous If you showed up with a bug on Wednesday night to let you in for free That's how crazy this place was and the hotel they put you in you could smell death in the whole You know crack holes the rooms didn't lock they were always bodies under your bed. Oh my fuck I went back there like eight years ago now. I'm lying to you Maybe five years ago. I went there the hotel they redid it's like that to son flavor now like very southwest But ten years ago. Oh my god, ten years ago. We're gay regardless. He got on virgin eyes in Tucson with me Remember that shit me. He was on the plane with the first time man. He didn't know what he just smell

He still smell like the trash can and red lobster at the airport Version man, he didn't know what bad smell was a fucking kid Man every Wednesday. We had to go down to Tucson every other but it was funny How those days you went to Tucson really liked you so much and the gig paid 150 dollars in 50 150 It was probably $39 flight. It was a hundred and fifty dollars You left Tuesday afternoon, and you came back Thursday the first flight Thursday because the gig was Wednesday Those are big fat six foot seven Mexican food Alex. He had a stroke. He had this fucking thing But you ever see those Mexicans that have those bag of fat behind their neck

It was fat man. Let go. He was like a little lunchbox back here people when you see you like what the fuck And he was walking with that one homeboy that been shot at nine times and run over But I'm still here big dog You know the first time he ate chocolate But it was funny, huh I'm at home. I got bumped. I was supposed to be at Ontario improv, but I got bumped Yes, I'm gonna be at the Ontario improv in this December 31st New Year's Eve and the first week of January 2014 I'll be in P and

What that place with a with a down Somebody come my assistant my girlfriend now I'll be a Gary, Indiana at the casino over there doing a casino So if you're in Chicago child your friends the home of Michael Jackson Michael Jackson, man And Kirby Puckett before they fucking went down to two. That was Gary Indiana was a great place And that's it brother Lisa. Yeah, what's cracking in your world? You're not juicing no more. You're in love You got a new job. He's got a girlfriend. They do it. Look at him. He's all fucking Here's the thing here's the beauty about this that Lee is the sweetest guy in the world right now you're fucking

Who's your dream girl Lee? Penelope Cruz I would like her. Oh Jesus Christ Let's let's say Penelope Dan Oh That's my chick homie walked in here walked in here and wanted to fart in your face You wouldn't take it cuz you're in love and I'm gonna happen and I respect it happen, bro. I respect that I Could happen never no no no and I respect it. I respect that you love your girlfriend It's not even the girlfriend her being can you teach me a move?

And if you try to get a girl to fart in my face, I could just like her being it gonna get you out Swallow it wrong What I want to what I want to break down to you is that now because the word is out there This is not a website. This is not gonna end This is not gonna end till you take a little fart to the face You gonna Let me ask you something guys. It's a we're family night. It's it's I'm saying like is this what we're doing tonight We're family. We're right here with you. We're the fireplace. We're sitting around

Half years want to go home, whatever the best thing about this. This is family. We're all in this together. We're not away from you Is there any woman here that wants to take a shot tonight and fart in Lee's face? No, no stop with the leaves because you're adding pressure to the poor fucking kid It's like when he it's like when you shoot a foul if you shoot a free throw and there's people with the flag That's you guys. So is there any woman here tonight amongst us? We're family We're family people seriously anybody anybody here Anybody here that had like all you can eat lunch or you got some premenstrual farts you want to let out Cuz I got a wife. I believe you know I'm saying a little queef a little something nobody wants to take one for the team

None of you guys want to have me that bad bro. You just swallow it bro far left Once you feel that far bro, you just look at her go man. You did eat my cheesecake Lee down eventually what I'm trying to say to you Lee maybe not tonight But in the future you have to take a fart to the face even if I'm not there a girl's gonna come up to you A bad-ass girl. I'm telling you there's a bad-ass girl somewhere that you're gonna get off stage You're gonna head to the bathroom. She's gonna fucking grab me in the bathroom. She's gonna put a mop in between the door And just like what's his name Sonny black Sonny Sonny and Bronxdale

She's gonna look at you and you're gonna go excuse me. So you don't look at you go Now you can't go And then I'm doing it if you're not there because you won't believe it. No, I won't no you'll come out. Trust me. I'll I'll believe it Because you're not gonna wash your face and you're gonna be crying And you tell me this is your fault you started it I would not be in this position if it wasn't for you Just so you guys know I gave you the offer ladies you're talking right now. There's one guy there looking at his girlfriend go go

You do it in the house just go for it. Fuck it. We ain't gonna tell nobody. It's us. It's it's 90 people take a chance That's very nice very very very nice. That's what we want over there in the fucking corner. We got nice family people Get in some dirty half a fruit over there Taking his dick out and whacking off on another man's leg in the corner Be disgusting motherfuckers even that thought going to your head. See me. I go to psychotherapy I have a trash can next to me when I get those thoughts and I don't even open the email. It goes right in the fucking trash can you understand me? A fart to the face goes through but everything else

Guys, I'm happy you came out tonight. Thank you. Thank you for supporting the podcast. Thank you the whole team Felipe Thank you If anyone's seeing the documentary that Joey and I did I want to say we've said thank you to Felipe on the phone But he was like the biggest donator and they really think so thank you very much Felipe and You're welcome bro anything. That's right Thanks for having me Joey