Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #05

Episode Date: August 15, 2013

Duncan Trussell joins us for an intense live podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit dollarshaveclub.com/church for amazing deals on razors sent to your door.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey. That's HuluPlus.com slash Joey. And also now by DollarShaveClub.com. Get a high quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to DollarShaveClub.com slash church. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash church. Or just go to JoeyDS.net and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. What's up guys? Come on! Thank you all for coming out. It's the second one and in like two weeks so we really like doing this and thank you for coming out. For those of you who haven't been here before, it's not a comedy show, it's a live podcast and we have a great guest for you tonight. So I'm just going to bring up the host and the main guy, my best friend Joey Diaz.

One more time for the main motherfucking man, Lisa Yat, aka the Flying Jew. People are like, why are you calling that shit? What are you calling the Flying Jew? I don't know. You just don't have to have a reason for fucking everything, you know what I'm saying? People always got to have a reason for something. One day I looked at him and I'm like, you know what, he's a Flying Jew. That's it. That's how it goes on. Thank you very much for coming out on Wednesday. I know that you people got a lot of shit going on in your lives. You're busy. Let me tell you what I've seen today. Because I don't want to fuck around with you people and waste your time. I want to talk to you about the absurdities that I see in my day. So today I went to a mommy and me class with my baby daughter to swim. Alright? Fuck it. 420 to 450. You got to do it. It's a half hour. I go a little tuned up. I ain't got a lot of you people.

I smoke a couple hits of the bong. You got to put like a shirt and a little listerine. You got to do what you got to do when you hang out with the baby and the moms. And my wife went today too, but that's not the fucking story. So we get there. I went Monday and it was great. Guys, it was fucking great. You sing songs. There was a white dude with a Mexican baby. Fucking very rare. Very rare. Baby's name was Coco. Very nice. And there was another mom. She didn't show on Mondays, but she showed today. So today I'm in the fucking pool and all of a sudden, you know, the white dude with the Mexican babies there, me and my wife and our baby. And all of a sudden I see this chick come in the pool. Whatever. You know, 6, 7. Good looking mom, you know. I like a good looking mom. You ever see a baby with an ugly fucking mom? It kills you, like.

But sometimes you see like a kid, like the mom's banging, you know, the boobs are in place. Everything's banging, you know. You're like, mom's been going to fucking yoga. I like that shit. And this mom was cute. Very cute. And I seen her flip over, you know, like when you go backwards, like under the fucking stairs, right. And she had a big Harley-Davidson tattoo on her back. So I knew the bitch was for real. You know, I knew that she had been passed around by some bunker motorcycle gang and somebody, you know, spermed on her neck, you know. You know, those fucking bikers, they will fuck the shit out of a woman. They don't fuck around. Bikers will fucking put cookies in your pussy. They'll put bottles. They don't give a fuck. They'll fuck you with the cookies in your pussy. I know a biker. Trust me, he used to tell me all this disgusting shit.

So she turns around, very cute woman, tattoos on her tit, you know, like all this Christian slangs, whatever. Like, you know, the book of fucking John, whatever. And then she goes, come here to her son Riley, whatever his fucking name was. And a bush flew out from under her fucking armpit. I haven't seen that since 1995, Boulder, Colorado. North Boulder with those fucking stenchy women with the fucking mountain armpit. Listen, and don't get me wrong, I love women. I was raised by a woman, a single mom. She had girlfriends. I love women. You never, ever, ever, ever in all your fucking life see a picture of me hanging out with five guys watching a football game. That is not my idea of fun with five stinky guys eating popcorn. This is fun smelling each other's feet.

I don't like that shit at all. I don't even like hooters. I don't want to go to bars. Put me in a room with four fucking bitches. And I'm happy as fuck. I don't even have to be fucking them. I don't even care if they're attractive. But I'd rather be with four women. I'm just one of those type of dudes that much rather be around women. So before I get into this, I like women. But you got to shave your fucking armpit. You understand me? That's just godliness when it pops out of there. You want to trim it and have a fuck up like three hairs to make your point. I'm fucking in. You know what I'm saying? I'm in. I got hair growing behind my thighs. I'm 50. It happens. I trim it. I don't want a bush coming out of my fucking ass. Like I got a rabbit tail. You know what I'm saying? This bitch had a rabbit tail coming out of her fucking armpit. Who fucks that? You're sucking that tit and you're getting hit in the head with a fucking, with black hair.

You know what I'm saying? Like that armpit fucking afro. It's like a little afro hitting you in the fucking head. Who sucks that nasty fucking tit? What if she sideways and the hair is laying down her fucking tit like a fucking tentacle? You know what I'm saying? This is the shit I think about when I, you know why I go see a hypnotherapist? Because I always think one step ahead. I was always thinking about like how fucking hairs were just going to reach out and grab me around the fucking neck like 50,000 leagues under the sea and put me in the fucking six foot range at the YMCA. This is where I live with people. So you think you got problems? Armpit. And I like a lot of, listen, I told Lee this and he's like, were you like women with hairy pussy? He's big fucking difference. Big difference. I once about 13 years ago, I made a mistake and I fucked around with a dear friend of mine, a Jewish girl. She had the biggest fucking bush, but it was long fucked up. Like there was leaves in it and shit.

It was one of those bushes. And I fought through it and it didn't smell funny. Nothing. I just ate that pussy. You know what I mean? I eat anything. I don't give a, I'm like Mikey, I'll eat that motherfucking monkey. You know, but it's just a lot of hair. It's long, it's in your mouth. Yeah, you gotta lick it and it was fucked. I don't like that absurd. That's absurd amount of fucking hair on your pussy. We don't need that. But a little like bozo hair above the fucking noodle, just so you can sniff and scratch and grab onto, you know, there's an earthquake. You gotta grab onto something, right? That's why I don't like no gi jiu jitsu. You can't grab onto something. It's like a fucking gi. I'm grabbing onto that pussy, you know what I'm saying? I'm just talking to you people from the heart. I hope nobody gets offended here because you're a good audience and shit. But anyway, enough is enough. Let's bring up my main man, the producer of this show, Mr. Lee Syat, the Flying Ju. Fucking Lee Syat. What's happened little brother?

Thank you guys. Not much, man. Tell me something good. What you do today? I work, but I was talking to my girlfriend on the way here about sometimes you give nicknames to people you've dated and the Harry Pussy thing got me thinking. One of the first girls I slept with in Boston when I went to college, we got drunk together one night and it wasn't even like Harry, like you like where they trim it. It was like they just left it and like this is me like five, six years ago and you know how I am now. Like she just opened up what I want to do anal sex. So like I freaked out. But then like her nickname with me and my friends for the next four years was Chewbacca because it was just like it was fucking it was unruly. It was gross. I hated it.

Did it scare you? Fuck yeah. I was like right out of the suburbs in Boston for the first time. And that's the first time you've seen a Harry fucking all out savage. I had seen like like trimmed a little bit, but this one she was Jewish too. She just didn't. No, they don't shave and she didn't shave in like since day one. Like it was just left there. Like usually people like trim the sideburns and shit. You know what I'm saying? You want to have your hair all fucked up. That's fine. You shave your neck, you know, you trim a bunch of shit, but you don't fucking just let it grow like like wild like that. But hey, whatever. The each is fucking on you know what I'm saying?

I'm just going to tell you people something. All right. Who's fucking talking? Who's fucking talking? Oh, I'm sorry. The fucking door is open and shit. People talking over here. Or anyway, right? I just want to tell you people. This is my commitment to the church or what's happening now. I'm going to tell you my commitment to you motherfuckers because I just remembered. In San Jose, somebody gave me four Kueyloos. The same bats that made me eat Lucy Snow Bush's pussy. So one night I was home and I did one by myself. Ain't nobody's pussy. I just sat there, but I was on a bunch of edibles so I didn't judge it. So tonight when I got dunked on the podcast, I said, let's take a Kueyloot and do the podcast.

Well, I took a Kueyloot motherfuckers. All right. So we ain't fucking around here tonight because that's my commitment to this fucking show. You people drove to Pasadena. I take a Kueyloot. That's how I do it. That's how I do it. All right. So fuck it. This might turn crazy. I might pass out because I haven't had an edible in fucking three days. Yes, you have. I had one Monday morning. But that's three fucking days for me. It didn't even hit me. Let me explain something. Let me tell you why I stopped eating them. Because I ate 170 milligram pretzels and 250 milligrams of a fucking gummy bears. Oh, that Monday. That's Monday at six thirty in the morning and nothing happened.

When you eat 400 milligrams of THC on a Monday morning at six in the morning and nothing happens, it's time to quit. It's time to... I said, fuck it. I went home and that was it. I haven't eaten an edible and I don't want to eat no more edible in a while. So I had these Kueyloots sitting there. So I said, fuck them. You know what I'm saying? They ain't doing nobody good in that desk. I still got Vicodin at the house. I don't take from a root canal. I still got Vicodin from my knee surgery. Do you like that? I have friends who are addicted to it. No shit. That's why I don't... What does it feel like? That feels terrible. Vicodin is like a shitty haze you go into. You get surgery. You're coming down off the fucking Malukka juice they give you.

So you really can't judge and that's where it starts. Right there, the doctor gives you two Vicodins and you pop them both because you don't want to feel that pain. And then by the time you get home you stop at the pharmacy and you get more and you're like, let me tell you something, you crazy motherfucker, something. I had a fat ball in my neck in 2004 or 2005. Just a fat thing came out of my fucking neck. And I swear to God, it just wasn't like a hand or something like that. It was a ball that was underneath over here and whenever I would do jumping jacks or I would get accelerated or I would get agitated with somebody, the ball would go whoop, whoop, whoop. It was like that thing in the Little Rascals when they made the cake for the mother. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. It was the same fucking whoop, whoop, whoop. I'm not kidding you guys. So I finally, they talked me into going to the doctor and I went and this is how fucked up I was guys. I never even like to tell people these stories.

So I went to the doctor and they said, all right, we're going to have to surgery it out and January 30th. So he said to me, listen, you're going to have to stop doing drugs. I go, can I smoke pot? And he goes, I wouldn't 10 days before. And I go, doc, I'd like to do some coke from time to time too. And he goes, don't do it 30 days before the guys. I fucking stuck to it. Like I was going to kill myself. Wait, you stopped for 30 days? I stopped for like 26. So why did he go back on after that? So I, the surgery came and I go to see the Sinai and they take the fat ball out.

And I remember like the night before getting up at like two in the morning and calling my coke dealer and going, listen, I'm going into surgery tomorrow at fucking six o'clock. They're going to let me out like a 12. No, I go, they're going to let me out like a five. I was like the Godfather, I want you home at your house at 445 because I'm going to come by and just pick up some shit. And he was like, what are you talking about? How can you have surgery and do coke? I go, trust me, we're going to make this work. So the next day I had the surgery and I wake up at six in the morning, but I wake up in recovery at 10 and I'm fucking, I go, they did the surgery. Yeah, let's go. I got to go get high. It's been 26 long motherfucking days. And I'm saying, even Noah couldn't do these fucking days right here.

I go, fuck this. And they like Joey and I told him like one time, like I got to go. And they thought I was playing around like, well, you'll be okay. Honey, get the fucking car. You think I'm kidding you? And my wife knows I'm about to throw shit in there and I'm putting my pants on with the intravenous tubes in me. I'm putting my pants on and they're like, where you going? The nurse has to come check. I ain't got time for the nurse. I haven't done the line in 26 days. You took the fat ball out. It's time to fucking party. You understand me? I ain't even lying to you, motherfucker. This is how sick and demented I was. They had stitches on my thing with that surgery tape, like going like crosses, like a skeleton bowl. I fucking on the way home, I broke it to my wife. I go, we got to stop at the guy's house and she goes for what?

My wife didn't know I did coke, but she did know and she knew what this guy was to me. She knew he was my coke dealer. She knew he sold coke and she knew I went to his house eight times a day. So eventually you got to figure it the fuck out, right? So I go to her on the way home, I drop and I go, listen, we got to stop at the weed store and we got to stop at Don Sleazy's house and she goes, no worries. And she goes, why are we stopping there from there? I got to get a book. And she goes, I got books at the house. What type of book is it? I go, he's got a special book. I've been waiting to read it for a long fucking time. 26 days. That's how long I've been waiting. And I swear to God, this guy gave me a coke rock and I went home and it was 12 o'clock and I got home, maybe 1.30, something like that.

And I remember looking at my wife going, are you tired? Because that's how he, that was my wife's code for me to tell her she had to go to bed because I needed to do coke. I would go, are you tired? You look tired. You should go to bed. And it was like 1.30. She's like, no, I'm not tired. Why? And I'm like, oh, nothing. I said, I don't give a fuck. I'm doing a line of coke. And I remember doing like a line and feeling like the stitches opening the fuck up. Like doing like a, and feeling like a little blood come out of my neck and shit. And I said, wow, wow, I can't. This is my addiction. But fuck it. I finished the gram. I didn't bleed out. We're still here. And that's all that matters. You know what I'm saying?

Coming to the stage, my main man, Duncan Trouser, ladies and gentlemen. In fact, it was funny because the day I had that next surgery was the day Duncan gave me a great book. We met that night. Like the next surgery, I'm out at eight o'clock behind El Compadre in my car. He gave me the book, the source, not the sorcerer, but the... Oh, the alchemist? Was it the alchemist? I got a lot of weird books. You gave... No, no, there wasn't no Geetas in Hindus.

This is about the fucking guy that went through space. Cowboy, like a fucking evil cowboys type guy. Shit, man, I don't... I wish I remembered. I want to read that book. And I gave you the breast strips. I gave you the breast strips that night and you gave me the book and I gave you... I don't know. You destroyed me with those breast strips. Oh, please. What's going on, buddy? How the fuck are you? I'm great. I'm doing great.

Give him a round of applause. Great to have him out, man. Thank you. You know, it's weird. I've been trying to get him on and out of the house. And, you know, he's back on his feet again. He's doing stand-up. At first, you were like, I want to take a breather. Yeah, I had to take a breather. How about the stand-up? Well, I mean, I love the stand-up, but I'm trying to work on new material.

And the problem with working on new material is it's probably not going to do that good in the beginning. So that means that you've got to deal with bombing a little bit. I'm sick of all my old material. I don't want to do any of it anymore, but it's all I've got. So that's what's been keeping me from getting back on stage. Because I know I can go on stage with my old set, which is fine, but I want to do news. It's a whole mess. Flying Jew. Remind you of anybody? We went to San Jose about a month ago, and I saw him do that, and then we were at the ice house about two weeks ago. Almost completely different, and you're already throwing it away, right?

No, no, what happened was I had the basis of the joke in San Jose. Well, it changed. It was completely different. And then when we came here, it changed. But I said to him on the way home that night, I go, I'm so happy that this weekend's over. I never want to do this fucking material again. That's it. And he was like, what are you talking about? Explain to the people when you tell somebody you don't ever want to do that fucking material again.

Yeah, it's like, you know how sometimes you'll put on a shirt that you've owned for years and for some reason you're like, fuck this shirt. This shirt is, why did I ever wear this horrible shirt? And you don't ever want to, it's a very similar thing with stand-up. And then a lot of the type of stand-up I like doing is I like talking about stuff that's happened to me. And figuring out a way to translate that your mom died and you got one of your balls cut off in a way that's funny. And it doesn't make it seem like you're pandering or trying to make people to laugh at you just because something bad happened to you. It's very tricky. But there's a lot of funny stuff in those experiences, a lot of funny stuff.

It's just coming up with a way to talk about it. And that's kind of where I'm at right now. It's working that out. I didn't want to even go there. I mean, you had a kind of a hard year, however you want to look at it. Yeah. You had a couple. It's like I ran over a gypsy baby last year.

And I got to tell you guys something really serious. I hope you guys don't get offended. You know, death is never funny. The day of. Right. You see what I'm saying? Until a couple days later, when you think of a joke and you say, God, forgive me. Yeah.

You know, and it's funny. I got left back for being a fucking moron in the seventh grade. I found love. The chick showed me a pussy and I went fucking ape shit. I couldn't think. I couldn't focus. I quit karate. I was, I was ready to become a doomsday prepper.

Right. So I never told my mother, guys, I never told my mother I got left back. I would fucking reprint the report cards to say eighth grade. And she would go, how come you're walking that way? Cause I would have to walk a certain way in the eighth grade. Cause she thought I was a freshman in high school, but for some reason in the back. And I got to be honest with you guys. I said, hell's going to be loose at my house when I'm a junior.

My end of junior summer, I'm going to have to go tell my mom the truth. She's going to say, what are we going to do about college? And I'm going to go, I got left back, you know, but I just kept putting it off. And I would get the guts to say it to her. I would always go, I'm going to tell her at the end of the summer, I'm going to tell her, and what happened one day? I wake up in the middle of the night and I find my mother dead on the floor. And I swear to God, when I touched her, she was whatever, cold, her arm was purple.

And the first thing I thought to myself at that time was like, I knew this bitch would never find out. I got left back. That's the first thing that came to my fucking mind. Like, here's my mother on the floor, dead as disco. And I'm already cracking jokes in my fucking head. And then I call the ambulance, you know, and I go, hi, I think I found my mom. I think she's dead. They're like, how do you know she's dead?

She ain't breathing, her arm's purple. And then they're like, okay, you know, wait there till we get there. And I remember looking at her going, fuck this ghost. And I ran outside and I waited for the ambulance outside because I wasn't going to be in the house with my mom alone. That motherfucker might get up like fucking, you know, at that time I was into that Alfred Romero, you know, not a living dead, whatever that fucking crazy. So I kept thinking, this bitch is going to get up like that helicopter scene. Remember when the black guy got up and chopped his head off and shit and dawn of the dead.

So the other night, you know, Duncan and I were having a conversation on the phone and he told me that. And I said to him, you know, Duncan, enough, enough. I told him that little left-back story. And I go, I guarantee if you really think about it, you might not be prepared right now. There's always some type of humor and death. Whether it's at the wake. Absolutely. Yeah, no.

Yeah, there's a lot of funny stuff about it, but people, you know that thing in stand-up where you make road bumps for yourself and there's certain jokes that if you do, it's an automatic road bump, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but there's like an extra bit of energy you have to expend to make it funny. That's what it is with death, which is really weird to me because it's, like every single person is going to die, but somehow you're not supposed to talk about it on stage or when you do, it's really weird and upsetting to people. It's a thing people haven't really considered fully or some people don't want to be reminded of it when they're at a comedy show that they're going to die and everyone they know is going to die. They don't want to think about that even though that's one of the fundamental truths of human existence.

So figuring out a way to make that funny is tricky. And I'm past the rebellious point where it's like, I don't give a fuck what they think. If there's people in the audience who have someone who has died recently, I don't want to make them have a bad night. So if I do come up with one of those jokes, I want it to be really, really, really funny and kind of like the joke you just said. That's a funny joke. And it's true. I'm not lying. It's true. But I got to tell you guys something else. I didn't say that 10 years ago to anybody.

I didn't have the chops and the confidence to say that on stage. That's the secret of talking about death right now. It's a throwaway joke for me. It wasn't even a real joke. It's a situation. When I touched her arm, I'm like, whoa, she's never going to find out about life back. I didn't write that. That's the truth. But 10 years ago, if I would have told you that offstage and you would have said to me, go do that on stage right now, I would have looked at you and said, fuck you.

You're fucking crazy because I didn't have the chops to it. There's a certain confidence you have to have to deliver that type of joke to let the audience know they're going to be okay. Right. Because that is the truth. That's the truth. To let you know that, yeah, somebody just died or somebody might die in your family or somebody's going through a disease right now. You know what? The truth is they're going to die and you need to accept it.

And there's going to be something funny at the fucking wake. Wakes of a fucking comedy show without the admission. You follow me? Wakes are a comedy show without the admission. Not my mom's wake. Really? So there was not one thing that you looked at and go look at this crazy motherfucker. No, my mom decided right before she died, like within a month before she died, she decided that she wanted to be buried in the Tibetan style,

which means that the body lays out for three days straight and she wanted to have it in the house. And so me and my brother were like, fuck that. There are sun windows where she wants to be put. And that means that her body is going to start stinking really bad in like a day. Yeah, really fucked up. And then so she ended up having it at, she was a psychologist, she ended up having it at a client's house. And that's when I realized that my mom was a cult leader.

She had a cult. No joke. I'm not even joking about that. Like she had a group of people that were like surrounding her body like she was Marlon Brando and Apocalypse Now, very similar to that. And it was a really weird, it was a very strange experience because I knew she was charismatic, but I didn't realize that she'd gathered this cult together around her. Now the cult were her clients. What's that? The cult, I don't mean to say the cult of people that were around her were her clients, correct?

Yeah, I don't know who the fuck they were. They were her clients. You know, she was a psychologist. Yeah, yeah, I know. So they depended on her, she was Dr. Melfi and they were the Tony Sopranos. Yes. Okay, so that's what happened. But it was very intense, you know, I appreciate you guys laughing at that, but that is stuff that I'm trying to work out.

I don't want to be one of those shock comics. You know, like you'll see comics who are like, I fist in my grandma and pulled a turd out and smoked it. I don't care, I'll say anything. That shit's so annoying and boring to me when comics are trying to... Thank you. That stuff's so annoying and boring too when you know a comic is intentionally trying to prove to you that he'll say anything.

There's nothing off limits. I don't want to be like that either. I just want to articulate the truth that happened to me in a comedic way. It's very tricky, man. Well, for people who don't know, you did a podcast with your mom right before she passed away. So like, for you too, Joey, how is it different? Joey, you talk about anything on stage, really. But talking about that on comedy versus on the podcast.

And like, what was it like? Because now, ever since I listened to that podcast, every time I talk to my mom on the phone, I kind of think about it. I mean, it's kind of fucked up, but it was a really intense podcast. Yeah, that was very intense. Well, you know, man, it was like, part of the problem, I think, and the reason people are still hung up is they like to forget that they're going to die. Yeah.

And they like to forget that their parents are going to die. And also, if you've managed to really teach yourself or to push yourself away from the knowledge that every person that you love is going to die, then you can become a bit... You can really start taking them for granted and become callous. And it's really hard to be... It's really hard to not have compassion when you fully realize the person you're with is going to only be there for an impermanent amount of time. It's almost like you have to delude yourself into thinking this person's going to be around you forever

to treat them like an asshole. Because if I could go back in time and tell myself, hey, what the fuck are you talking to her like that for? She's not going to be around here permanently. You can't be an asshole like that. Yeah. I would. But, you know, I can't because, you know...

So we all get into really very callous situations with our families, and that comes directly from allowing ourselves to pretend that they're immortal. Yeah. I had a fight with my mom. Like, right around New Year's, we didn't talk for like two days. And like, I ended up calling her just for like, for that reason. I'm like, what if... What if like she...

Because she's almost about 60 right around there. I'm like, what if like that happened? And like, I just couldn't do it. Like, Joey, what would you do? Like, have you ever thought about, like, if you had like your mom on a podcast, like, or anything like that? What, the ghost of my mom on a podcast? No.

I'd be a fucking millionaire. That's what happened. No. Thank you, Joey. You got Brad Pitt. I got a dead fucking lady. What the fuck have you done with your life, bitch? You know what I'm saying?

I mean, you got a fucking ghost on your podcast. I have... I was one guy that I was spoiled. And I didn't treat my mom like shit, but I didn't pay the attention that way. None of us really do. Because nobody in this fucking room thinks that their mom or dad are ever gonna fucking die. You know? Go to the store, fuck you.

I'll go later. You know, vacuum. I'll do it later. Take the garbage out. You know, there's all these little things that you never think about while you're doing them. When my mom died, it was a culture shock for me. I was 15. I look at kids today, and I always ask their parents,

How old is your child? Oh, he's 15. I look at this guy and go, He couldn't handle what I handle at that age, you know? But I have a problem with people. Like, I always tell people. And you don't want to sound like a grandpa to call your mother. Because when she's gone, it's over.

It's fucking over. It's fucking over. You have no idea. It's something different. And I'm not gonna tell you. You're gonna stay at home and cry and die. But it affects you every two or three days for five minutes. And you know what the thing is?

You should have done more. Yeah. You should have done more. You should have done more for her. You should have done more for yourself. You should have done more for your family. You know, that's a horrible way to live. That's a horrible.

That's why I always tell people. If you want to... Can you imagine if I never tried comedy after prison? What I would be like right now? I would have shot somebody right now. Not... Not doing what your heart wants you to do. I would have shot somebody right now.

You know, not trying something. Being 55 and going, fuck, I never tried that. You know, so the worst thing in life is regrets. Your father, you know, they're cool. Grandma and grandpa, they're cool. But fucking moms is solid. Yeah. Moms has come through for every mother fucking this room.

One time. You know what I'm saying? Moms is solid. So... You got to play the card right and you got to, you know, eat the shit and drive them. Yeah, just deal with it. They might...

This does not mean that your mom is not an asshole. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you gotta... Your mom may very well be an asshole. You got to shut them down from time to time, too. Yeah. I used to have this little girl used to come over and let me suck her titties and think of her.

You know? You know, like when you're 13 and somebody does your favor. She was a cute girl. She'd come over and let me finger and suck her titties and, you know, shit like that. She'd never let me fuck her, but fucking I was 13. I wouldn't let nobody fuck me either, 13. I ain't gonna finger me and feel her pussy through her jeans.

And my mom knew this and it tormented my fucking mom to no end. She'd leave the door open, leave the door open, leave the door open. Fuck you, fuck you. Leave the door open. Until one day I got caught playing hooky with the girl. My mom went in her backyard and called that girl's mother and her every name in the book in Spanish. Hor, Puta, Cocksucker, and they were Cubans, you know?

So I always knew mom was an asshole, you know, like for doing that that day. But what are you gonna do? They're your fucking mom, guy. That's right. And you, and, and... That's right. It's true.

All this, man, I feel like so we, I hope I don't seem, I feel modeling and lecturing. I don't mean to seem like that at all. I think it's a, your mom is like a, you know, your mom, this sounds really weird, but she can be like a bench press that you can exercise love on, you know? Like it's not easy. It's really hard to express love to somebody who's probably maybe tried

to fill you with bullshit about Christianity, or is like terrified of drugs, or has a lot of like really bad ideas that came from her parents. Because what happens is, what it is is, a very long time ago, like 100,000 years ago, or 200,000 years when we descended down from trees, we were actively being chased by bears and tigers. And, and like it was a, you,

and so you spent your time in a constant state of absolute terror and horror. Like right now, right now we're okay, but back then you had to worry about quick sand pits. That was like volcanoes exploding and destroying your village. That's a lot of fear. And that fear got transferred, because when you were, when you have a kid in that kind of environment, there's no coddling the kid.

You sit them down and you're like, you gotta fucking watch out for snakes, man. Because they will fucking kill your ass, and they're all over the place. Not to mention tigers and giant eagles. You have to be careful. Quick sand. And quick sand.

Well that's fear, and that's useful fear that gets pushed into the kid, like a little ball of energy. And then that kid, after that kid tells his kid the same thing, and that kid tells his kid the same thing, and that ball of fear travels through time from one generation to the next, to the next, to the next, and maybe there's no more eagles or bears, but the energy of the fear is still there. And that's what part of how your parents raise you,

is they give you this little burst of ancient terror. And you guys, that's what it is. And, and you can't blame them for that. You can't then think that they're, they're fucked up, or they're horrible people. They were just transmitters of this survival energy that's been going on forever. So you gotta forgive them for scaring the shit out of you. That's the first step.

And then once you do that, you can, they can be a little easier to deal with. And when you, and when you hear the fear in their voice, that's so annoying when they try to control your life, you know that that's just, that's just a, that's just them showing you love in a different way. You know, it's so funny that my mother did not install fear in me, but I saw that in the airport about two months ago. I was sitting there, had like a delay,

and I was watching all these families, and I could see the kids that were scared, and the parents that were just as scared. And you know what, you see them, and you're like, look at that, and you can see that fear is passed down. You know, they're at the house during the fucking Diane Sawyer, going, I told you, I told you that fucking,

that fucking ride at great adventure would go down eventually. Yeah, right. I told you that to ride the plane, they go down. Yeah. The train, look, don't go out at night drunk kids. And next thing you know, your kid, after it's subconscious, he's fucking scared to death. What's he going to do?

He's going to get the safest life possible. Safest. 2.2 miles from the house to work. A gym, a girl that's been tested. You know. Every time he goes out with a girl, excuse me, before we take this to the next level, can you get tested?

And the girls are like, How is that a bad idea? Fuck that. Gotta go commando and shit, you know what I'm saying? You gotta live your life, you gotta try shit. How would you feel for girls that you need to get a blood test? You say, suck my dick. That happens to me every time I start dating.

Are you serious? Yeah, girls, yeah, look at me. A blood test? Not a blood test, but when you start dating, yes, when I start dating, when you start like, when you start deciding it's time to constantly bear back, don't you want to know that you're not getting injected by the grim reaper?

I just close my eyes and go for broke, fuck it. You know, I just... Listen, look at me. When it's pussy, I just close my eyes and hope I make it to a minute. That's all I'm focusing on. You know, I know I can't get hit to heaven under two minutes, so.

I mean, you know, your dick's gotta be in there for like eight minutes, bumping and grinding and shit. I come in a minute, I ain't getting nothing from these bitches. I might get like chlamydia or a crab or something, but I ain't getting... I ain't getting nothing. It takes me a minute and a half to come. I'm just focusing on breathing and the island of serenity

and, you know... Ha, ha, ha. It's my hypnotherapist who wants me to go to the island of serenity when nothing bad happens to me. Yeah, well, I don't know, man. I mean, I guess, I don't know. I've... Did you like that lude?

Have you ever... The lude hit me, you know. Listen, here's what I do whenever you give me drugs. All right. I cut them in half, and then I cut that half in half. Take another half to the half? No. Okay, fuck it.

This is so good to see, because people who listen every morning, he tells me, take another bite, take another bite, and I always end up saying yes, and he always says no. You're the only one who says no. Everyone says no to you, because you eat the strongest shit in the world. You're crying from the jump.

I can't. I gotta go to work. What work? What work? Something that you can't take 400 milligrams of THC and be okay. You want to drive on the 405. You want to drive straight on the 405.

Yes. Having an edible on the 405 is terrifying. I bet that there are... I bet there's a ward in the Los Angeles mental asylum that's just filled with your friends. Having bad trips on weed. You know how Carmine feels about it? I had to stop eating the fucking weed.

Really? It was just... And then last week with those goomy bears, those motherfuckers put me over the top. I fell asleep at six o'clock one night. Six o'clock. I woke up at seven. I canceled everything.

I'm like, I can't do it again. When you eat weed, your liver metabolizes it differently than when you smoke it. So actually, the liver is turning it into a psychedelic that's 10 times more powerful than when you smoke it, which is why you get so much more... Let me ask you something.

I eat 5,000 milligrams. I haven't seen those psychedelics. What do you mean? You don't trip out when you eat weed? I trip out. Not by seeing things. I trip out. I get heat on my neck.

Oh, no, I don't mean like you'll lose something. No, I want to help lose something. You start thinking about aliens and wondering if you're channeling. No, I want to know if that Chicken 84 gave me chlamydia. See? Yes.

That's what you get. You got to get them tested. Because I had to coke. You should wonder if every chick you fuck gave you chlamydia. You don't know. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's fucking terrible.

I know I had it. I had it, chlamydia. I never treated it. Wait. I did. I did. I did. Doesn't that mean you still have it?

I don't know. I went away. After a while, it just goes away. I don't know what to say. Does anyone here know? I don't think it goes away. I got something. I was dating these two college girls.

They gave me something. Fucking. I had no insurance. I just ran with it. Fucking. Maybe the Drano killed it. No, no. It was after the Drano.

It was 91. Two college chicks. They were freaks, too. And one was Korean. And she had, like, a little leakage problem. What? I didn't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

They have a new strain of syphilis right now. I heard. But now I ain't going to get nothing. I ain't fucking nothing. I ain't fucking nothing now, dawg. There's no way. I got a wife and a kid. I don't even want to get my dick sucked no more.

Seriously. Really? How can you ask a mom to suck a dick? You feel so guilty. Like, you know, I don't mind giving my wife a stab, but I can't look on the item and go suck it, you know. My baby's going to kiss her in the mouth. I don't need that shit.

And the baby's going to have chlamydia from 84. From 91 and shit. She's going to be walking around with a pimple on her head. I don't need that shit. I know I had something in 91 after I got divorced. I started doing coke, and I started doing comedy, and I was doing coke and eating volumes, and I was doing comedy in Boulder.

There was a lot of college girls in Boulder and I was messing around with girls. Listen, let me tell you something. Safe sex is over fucking rated. All right? It really is. Safe sex is over fucking rated at the end of the day. You can't do nothing.

I don't like people putting gels on their pussy from moisture, and I got to put a condom on, and you got to suck it and get it hard, and then put it on. That's a waste of time. We could be doing shit. We could be spinning around and shit. You know what I'm saying?

I'll take my chance. It's not like I picked you up in a fucking alley. You know what I'm saying? I met you on a bar on a Wednesday night. You looked okay. I smelled your neck. It was okay, you know. I was spraying a little cologne, you know.

I got crabs from a McDonald's waitress. I got crabs. No, no. I mean, I'm not really a waitress. A cashier. I guess a cashier. Okay. All those McDonald's cashiers have crabs.

That's a fucking prerequisite. That's why they were cashier at McDonald's, because they got crabs, you know. It was horrible, man. It's horrible. That is... You've had crabs? I've had crabs.

When you pull one of those things off and look at it, and it's... You can see it's kind of out of you. Is it that bad? It's moving. I thought they were tiny. Tiny, tiny. It's like their little arms like stretch out.

They look like real crabs. If they could hiss, they would... Is that you? Oh. I don't... No, I met a nice girl today at the pool. She was like teaching me kids. She was singing like, you know,

all McDonald's out of farm. I turned out that it was you. I don't want you at my show. You're a nice girl. You know what I'm saying? You're going to get chlamydia. VD is really intense when you think about the fact that it all traces back to one really filthy person.

Like, it started somewhere. It wasn't like there was always syphilis. It's like at one point, one person got syphilis, and that was the beginning of this weird disease. So if you get syphilis, you're connected to a disgusting tramp. 50,000 years ago. It's really weird to think about how disease uses us as a kind of public transport system through time.

It really does. You really... I went to... When I was a sophomore in high school, buddy of mine called me, because we had to take a ride with me. And I got in the car with him. He was a good friend of mine.

And as we were driving, he was drawing out a problem. I fucked my sister's best friend, and she gave me VD. So we went to the clinic. I'll never forget that. I didn't give a fuck. I was high on everything. I was angry.

But I remember looking at this chick, and she had something around her mouth, like pimples and shit. I was looking at this nasty bitch, and I remember that. That made a mental note. I didn't know what the fuck it was. But even then, I was good for a few years after that.

But after what? What are you going to do? I'm not going to eat your pussy, then why take your home? You know what I'm saying? I couldn't imagine eating a girl's pussy and I never got nothing in my mind. I got like a canker saw under your tongue,

like those little pimples. Look at that motherfucker. If you don't get a little pimple under there, you ain't real. You know what I'm saying? You got to get a little something under there. You pop it the next morning, it goes, pop it. Little pubic hair flies out of there.

It's like a metal for eating pussy. You got to have like eight of them on your wall, and shit. Look at that. It's very common. No, no, I never really. I had the crabs, and I don't know what I had in 91, but it went away.

I'm telling you, I knew I had something. You know, it happens. My podcast is actually now sponsored by an STD testing website. Is that fucking weird? I don't know if I should do it or not. It's really weird. This is not, sorry, it seems like I'm doing a plug here. I'm not.

Maybe that's why I'm talking about VD, but they contacted me, and it's like a website where you don't have to go to your doctor, you go straight to the lab, so you don't have to deal with like... There's no middle man. Yeah, it's embarrassing, because when you go to your doctor,

it's embarrassing to tell him you feel weird, and it feels weird to do that. Plus, if you don't have insurance, it costs a lot of money. No, it's fucking nasty. A lot of people here have STDs, I'm sure, right now. No offense, you guys. Don't take that the wrong way. You don't have to be ashamed of it.

I mean, it's a very common thing. It's like death. It's shit people don't like talking about, but so many people have diseases, which is normal. Listen, why go to Vietnam and not get a medal? You know what I'm saying? Why go to Vietnam? Because you're not gonna get a fucking medal.

Every once in a while, you gotta get a medal, guys. You know, you think you're gonna do a good job. You're like, I fucked the shit out of that chick. I tied her up. I fucking, you know, popped her eyeball out with it. And then three days later, you got itches, or you got a rash or something, and you're like, fuck it. That's a price to do in business.

That's a good piece of ass. If not, you got a chick that just lays there, don't want to touch your dick. You go home with nothing, but what did you get? You go home with a chick and she's picking you up and putting lighter fluid on your ballsack. If you go home and you got VD, fuck it. It was well worth it.

I mean, she around the world here, right? That's why you go home to have sex so a person can take you around the fucking world. Am I not lying? Like, the red hot chili peppers. The fuck, I gotta stop doing Koi Lutz. I would never want, like, the lighter fluid on the ballsack. What are you talking about?

No one wants that. What's that? Lighter fluid on the ballsack. Well, whatever. I'm just making a fucking thing. Nobody wants it, but listen. Nobody wants a finger up your ass, either. And the next thing you know, you got a chick

strapping one on, fucking in the asshole. And it feels good. It never happened to me, but it's happened to people I know. You know, nobody says nobody wants nothing on you. You know, that's the thing that means you always have discussions about. Nobody wants a fart to the face.

But after you get it, it feels good. You're like, that wasn't bad, you know what I'm saying? Nobody wants to lick a person's asshole. But if you're real and you're passionate and you're in love and you're eating pussy and you're just picking up legs and the asshole's right there, you lick it too. When you love somebody and you're having sex with them,

you just want to lick them all over. He was a fucking fancy asshole. You lick a belly button. You know what's in a person's belly button? That's disgusting. That's disgusting. You know how many times I've come in my own belly bone? Like, you know how many times I've whacked off

and I just land on them and I'll wash around but the little kid goes into the belly bone. What do you think about 20,000 loads plus lint plus fucking mats from working out? No towels. What do you think your belly button for? That's why people say your belly button smells. No shit.

It's got to smell worse than your fucking ass. I agree. I can't say no to that. This podcast has taken a very weird direction to that, you know what I'm saying? Chlamydia. Now, what's going on with your health? What's happening with your health?

You also had a health scare this year. Yeah, I got ball cancer. Got one of my balls chopped off. But I just got my first CAT scan result back. See, because I had to get radiation, which really sucks, which is another reason why you should not be afraid of the doctor because if one of your balls is swollen up,

just get it checked out. Don't wait. Go to the doctor. But God, man, I'm really funny tonight. Anyway, I had to get radiation for a month because a couple of my lymph nodes were enlarged and getting radiation sucks. It's like being car sick for a month straight.

It's a horrible, horrible experience. And so I got my first CT scan to see if that had worked. And I'm fine. Yeah, it totally worked, science. Weston. Yeah, cool. You know, I got to tell you something when all this was going on. Duncan came to the hospital to see the baby the next day after it was born.

It was just amazing. Went to get a steak. I mentioned this on the podcast the other day. And I was ashamed of this man for years. I was very ashamed of it and I opened up about it and it's made me a thousand friends. You know, tomorrow is 25 years since I got sentenced in prison. Wow.

And you sit there and you're like, wow, you went to prison. Today, I told Lee Monday and I was thinking about it Tuesday. And I was thinking about at the time how bad it was. Somebody sent me an email yesterday that said, what do you do while you're out on bail waiting to go to prison? And I said, live your fucking life because that's what I did. I did blow, I shoplifted, I went swimming, I took classes at CU. I didn't stop.

But, you know, at that time, at that time, it was so fucking bad for me. But I accepted it was my fate. I had done a bunch of crimes and I was going to pay for all of them. When I got out of prison, I was going to start from anew. And that was bullshit. But I'm going to tell you as bad as I thought that situation was, I wouldn't be here today without that situation. And it made me a comedian, even on top of everything.

So, yeah, you got bulk cancer this year if you want to put it that bluntly. But I remember like now you're completely different. You're reading healthier, you're more aware. You know, an experience like that when you, you know, most people, I don't know what the percentages are, bulk cancer, that make it. Cancer, the word is just horrific. When you hear it, it's just horrific. And you're a better person because of it.

Well, yeah, and that is because it's truth. And any time, and this is another insane thing about being human, is the things that you're most terrified of are generally the, once you experience the thing you're most afraid of, it gives you the most in life. And people don't understand that. So we spend all our time trying to avoid the truth. When actually contact with the truth, it's the thing that makes life worth living. It's the thing that makes life incredibly beautiful.

And if you're all numbed out to it and trying to ignore the reality of your situation, by hiding in video games, or by hiding in drugs, or hiding in whatever the way you're trying to stick your head in the sand to escape truth, all you're doing is keeping yourself from experiencing happiness, I think. But not the normal kind of happiness. It's not like that numb down happiness. It's the happiness of somebody jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. And the thousands of feet you get as you're flying are incredible.

That's what human existence is. It's jumping out of a pussy without a parachute, plunging towards oblivion. And the more you understand that, the more fully you can experience the exhilaration of incarnating for only 60 years in a dimension where we are apparently the only sentient beings in the entire universe. That's fucking insane! That's an insane thing! And the contact with truth helps you understand that.

But you don't have to get your ball chopped off to understand that. Just sit down and start meditating and thinking a little bit. You can get to that place too. Yeah, it's getting my ball chopped off sucked. Definitely it sucked. And my mom dying sucked. But I'll tell you what sucks a million times more than that. Being in a bad relationship at the Grove.

Try that. Go to the Grove when you're in a fight with your girlfriend. And you've been in this awful sexless relationship for four years. And you know you're trapped on every side. You can't escape from it. You're like a rat that's fallen in a glue trap. And you're so terrified of change that you're allowing yourself to be in this horrific trap. So inside your guts are on fire.

Your insides are gnawing themselves out. You're having terrible sleep and terrible dreams. All because you don't appreciate your life enough to escape from the shitty situation you've managed to get yourself in. That experience of being trapped in an awful relationship, job, whatever the thing is you managed to get yourself trapped in. Millions of times worse than getting your ball chopped off, radiation, or having your mom die. A million times worse. Funny, yesterday on Eyewitness News, they always give you a stat. And the stat of the day was relationships, married couples with four children or more, tend to stay together.

No shit. Where the fuck are you going to go with four motherfuckers? You lose either way. Where's the chicken? How are you doing? You looking good tonight? Let's go home. I've got four kids.

Fuck you, four kids. You know, the guy, he's going to have to support four kids, so he's going to have to get another job. He can't even get a piece of ass. So where's he going to go? You know, it's sad that you're fucking trapped. And I know what you're saying. I hate to fucking grove when I go there by myself. I hate to fucking grove.

Everything about it. The food, walking around there, the fucking people, parking, going on Fairfax, fuck that shit. Yeah. Yeah, but it's an amazing fucking thing that humans let themselves get into these situations. It's an amazing thing that we let ourselves get so trapped and misery and then pretend everything's okay just because we're afraid of change. That would be okay to do if you were immortal, but you can't do it if you only have a limited time to be on this planet. What are you doing? Why are you in that shitty job?

You know that you could make more money. You know you can't. Do you think that you can only make whatever the fucking shit amount of money that you're getting paid? Not all of you. I'm sure some of you are making billions of dollars, but me personally, there have been times when I've been chained down to a job where with three days of effort I could have found a better thing. Three days of effort. It's just strange. We get sucked into these quicksand pits of fear.

And there's no need to be there. And that's what coming close to or getting something that kills you reminds you of. But I'm playing World of Warcraft again. What the fuck am I saying? You know, it's crazy. I was trapped in the worst relationship of all time. It was called cocaine. And I didn't know how bad it was.

Listen to this, guys. This is how fucking... I'm 50 years old. This is how bad this was. Last Wednesday, I went to do a spot at the Ha Ha Cafe. And this is the first time this has happened to me in five and a half years. I get off the stage at the Ha Ha Cafe. I'm talking to a bunch of guys.

And one of the guys reaches over and he goes, dog, I brought you a present. And he puts a business card in my hand or a matchbook. I didn't know what it was. It felt like a business card or a matchbook, but it was swollen in the middle. So I thought he just gave me a bud. So I put it in my pocket. And as he left, and everybody left, I started talking to my buddy. And I went in my pocket and took it out.

And it was a fucking Coke Rock Jack. That could have choked the mule. Now, between us, there was a 0%. Not even the thought came into my head of doing it. I saw three people who did do it. And I called one of them and I'm like, oh, here you go. Happy New Year. And the next day, he called me.

He's like, that shit was the real deal. Did you get that from those really dark Mexicans that were there? Because there were these dark Mexicans. One had a cowboy hat. Those are the motherfuckers. They got the good Coke. The Mexicans with the cowboy hat. Fuck those motherfuckers on the corner with tattoos or radars on their neck.

Fuck those motherfuckers. It's the Mexicans with the cowboy hat and the cowboy boots. This shit is the shit that killed Whitney Houston, right? So I remember going home that night. It was Sons of Anarchy tonight, guys. So don't worry about nothing. Tonight you go home. You can smoke a joint if you've got insomnia.

Sons of Anarchy is home. I watched the episode of Sons of Anarchy after the ha ha. And I went to sleep. And the next day I thought about what had just happened. And I thought about that somebody had given me something that in other times I would have done it before I got to the car. You know that, Duncan. Yes.

I would have done it before I got to the fucking car. And I thought about how weird my life was. Like, I remember thinking about quitting four years from the time I quit and saying to myself, if I quit, I won't be funny. That's how demented I was on this fucking shit. That it told me that if I quit, I would not be funny. Yeah. And there was, like, not even like 1% of you wanted to do it?

What, quit? No. Do the coke you gave you? Not even 1%. It didn't even enter my mind. Like, it didn't even, I got too much going on for it to even enter my mind. But as the days went, I kept thinking about my life while I was on it. And what would have happened if I would have taken a bump?

Just one bump. And my luck would have changed for the worst all over again. Because it was, for me, it wasn't really an addiction. It was a spell. It was a spell of life. I was doing so much coke that finally reality said, you want to do coke? We're going to give you fucking coke. There was a time when, even when I didn't want to do coke, I would go to somebody's house

and they would give me an A-ball. Or something would happen that it would be there. So it was like a glutton type thing, you know? So it was just weird. Since that night, I've been thinking about what could have happened. And what didn't happen was never going to happen. It didn't even enter my fucking mind. But it's just so weird that I gave it up after 27 years.

And it was the worst relationship I ever had. Because like a relationship, it starts off great. You're at the bar. Oh my God. This is tremendous. Let's go home and fuck. And in the beginning, you get a heart on. She wants to suck your pipe.

She lets you come on a phase. But then as time goes on, the cocaine becomes unknown. You start getting paranoid. You start getting dead dick. It just evolves. It evolved into me not even wanting to have a woman around me. I got to the point that the last 10 years of cocaine, girls would say, let's go and do coke.

And I would think about it and go, no. Because I don't want them in my fucking room telling me about their life and shit and about their mother and father and their first boyfriend. I don't want to hear that shit. I just didn't want to hear it. But it got me to be alone and creepy. Yeah. So everything starts off great.

But it always ends up you're at the fucking grove doing fucking coke. It doesn't matter. We're all fucked because the technology that's about to come out is going to be impossible to resist. The stuff that's about to come out, the Oculus Rift system, which if you guys have seen that, this consumer based VR goggles that you put on and it has perfect head tracking. So when you put it on, you're in whatever the video game is.

Well, that's going to keep progressing. This is like the Atari. Remember the way the Atari looked? I don't know if you guys are old enough to remember the Atari. But when I got an Atari, I felt like I was flying a fucking spaceship. And you're just hitting little dots across the screen. But it seems so amazing that you can even control something inside the TV that it blows your mind.

Well, now look at where we're at with Xbox and what's about to come out with the next generation consoles. Well, these Oculus Rifts, they're about to make it so that we can enter into virtual worlds. And 50 years from now, these worlds are going to be completely indistinguishable from this reality. So video games are going to start with you putting on this Oculus Rift, plugging into whatever weird neurological device

that you put on your head that controls your memories. You put the fucking thing on and suddenly you have all these memories that are in the video game. You put the thing on and suddenly you believe that the video game is real and the life that you just left is a video game. And there's going to be people shooting up parks because they think that they're in a video game still. They won't know that they've like taken the Rift off.

That's what we're on the verge of. This shit is going to make cocaine seem like a fucking pop tart. That's where we're headed. It's true. It's amazing. But yeah, that's what we're on the verge of getting sucked into. So addiction is only going to get worse and worse. We are in the age of digital drugs. We're on the precipice of it.

I can't wait. Let me ask you something. Is it fucking me? This is how fucked up I'm getting in my old days. Every time I'm somewhere long enough, I feel I'm going to get shot or hit by a fucking car. You know what I'm saying? I'm not kidding you people no more.

Like I'm getting this phobia lately that like even like public parks and shit, when the other day I was throwing my daughter on the swing, I'm like when am I going to get shot? What fucking part? It was nine in the morning. You know, and I was thinking about what happened in Venice last week. They could happen anywhere now.

You know, when I go to the farmer's market now, a fucking guy could just drive on there and run over a bunch of fucking people, to farmer's market. If you know what I mean, sometimes you got to hit some of those motherfuckers at the farmer's market. You know, it's so weird.

I was thinking about this the other day about the farmer's market and I wrote something on Facebook because it dawned on me that somewhere in one of those towns where terrorism blossoms, you know, there's a terrorist somewhere and I wrote it on Facebook. There's a terrorist somewhere strapping a bomb to his body. I didn't write this for creative purposes. What? For creative purposes.

Like in this country, what do people say all the time? I was looking for a job to express myself. Or I got a tattoo because I wanted to express myself, really. There's a fucking towel head somewhere right now, strapping C4 to his fucking leg, his stomach, and his head. So he could be expressing his fucking self. Wow. Which is real expression compared to your fucking tattoo on your fucking neck.

So you really think about where we've taken our words in this country because that's what Obama does. He wants to express himself correctly. Yeah. Am I fucking retarded here? No. No. He's saying fuck it.

Some people want to be in movies. Some people want to be Brad Pitt. Some people want to do podcasts. Fuck it. I'm gonna drop a bomb onto my body and express myself that way. Seriously. I want to be hamburger meat. I want to be fucking hamburger meat and go to Allah and sling dick up there with whatever.

And now you got like mothers, soccer moms sitting there going, well, I got this tattoo of a Chinese figure because I want to express myself. And you're sitting there going, what the fuck is going on here? Yeah. If you think that you are really living a hard life, like hard in the sense of like tough, like hard, like thuggish, tough, hardcore life, there is a man in a cave using duct tape to tie explosives to his body while he chants from the fucking Quran. Think about that.

Weird ancient prayers as you're taping dynamite to yourself. That is real. This is the shit I think about when I'm having a bad mushroom trip. This exact thing. I'll roll over on the mattress against the wall and just think like, God damn, they want to blow us up, man. They fucking people want to blow other people up. It's crazy to think that.

That's a reality though. And they want to blow other people up for an invisible man. That's where it gets really weird. They're not even blowing other people up for some, for land. Like Jim Jones. Yeah. If you read a report back to Jim Jones, bitch, I ain't drinking the Kool-Aid. I'll tell you what I will do though.

I'll strap a bomb on and go to a farmer's market on Laurel Canyon on Sunday. That's it. And I'll blow that motherfucker up along with those three Chinese paparazzis. Yeah. Charisma is fucking dangerous. I'm reading Under the Banner of Heaven by John Crackauer. If you read this about the Mormons. Wow, Joseph Smith.

Holy shit. Are there any Mormons in the audience? Joseph Smith. Wow. This was a very horny man. He was like super horny and he wanted to have sex all the time. But he couldn't figure out a way to do that within the confines of being a Mormon. So he had a vision where God told him that he should take multiple wives.

And he would go to like 14 year olds and 16 year old girls and say to them, you have to marry me because God told me we have to get married. And you have 24 hours to decide or you're going to hell. Yeah. That was the guy who founded, who was the prophet of the Mormons would trick 14 year old girls into fucking him by saying they'd go to hell. And people got so mad at him that at one point he got dragged out of a house into the woods by a mob and there was a doctor there who was going to cut off his cock.

But the doctor felt sorry for him so they just hardened feathered him and like sent him into the woods. That's the guy who started the Mormons. He got killed by a mob in a jail because he burnt down a printing press of someone who was printing newsletters about how he was like a polygamist because at the time people didn't know. And so he burnt the printing press down and then a mob shot him in jail. Point being, charismatic men are very dangerous

and it's amazing how you can get sucked into that gravity. That happens all the time. It's the story of every religion, really. I used to date a girl that grew up in a cult, you know. And it's really fucked up. She had nine brothers and sisters and four of the brothers belong to the cult leader and five belong to the father. And they all lived on the fucking cult.

This is crazy shit. And the guy weighed like 500 fucking pounds and they would have to cut his toenails and shit. Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? My mother and father fell for this. Met the guy in Mexico and moved to Indiana. I guess, cults are legal.

Yeah. Indiana, some shit. They're legal everywhere. But like in Indiana, you could take it to the next level. You could fucking... You could get a house and smack them and fucking do what the hell you want with them. I don't know what it was. But it was when she would tell me the stories

that they would take a pig and eat everything. They would make blood pudding. They would make blood fucking pudding. Now, I always asked her, why didn't she kill her parents? Because that's what I would have done. I would have sued those motherfuckers. Because she... The parents went into the cult with no kids

and they came out with nine kids. They escaped and had to start from scratch. The guy took all their money and shit over the years. This is fucking crazy shit. And I sit here once a month. I see her on Facebook. She'll send me a message this fucking retard. And she'll talk about...

And I'll think about how she didn't sue her parents yet. Like, I go down on Facebook page and there's like her and her family. I fought in July playing the fucking guitar. I would hit them all in the fucking head. And I feel bad for the brothers. But the point being is that... And I shouldn't put this shit on Point Street.

Who gives a fuck? But the point being is that there's people who do that. I mean, I could never... Listen, if I wanted to do something, like if Duncan had a cult and we did quailudes every day and we got our dicks sucked, we put our dick in a wall

and somebody sucked it on the other side, something phenomenal. Why the wall? I don't know. Something different. You know what I'm saying? I'm just... I wouldn't mind joining that cult,

but I would never involve my wife and my kids. Right. You know what I'm saying? If I was that what I could do, then fuck it. I'll go on by myself. But I would never want... So I never could understand

how they involved their kids and shit like that. Like, it's that powerful that you're gonna put your kids into that. Like, the guy's that fucking strong. That's... I never understood it. Well, it's the same psychology that makes people fuck up their lives on a slot machine.

Like, if you go to a slot machine and you put in 20 bucks and lose 20 bucks, then you think, fuck, I at least got to win the $20 back. And you put in another $20, another $20. And the more you invest, the more you want to put in. It's the same with religion.

You'll get into religion when you're probably too dumb to understand that the religion or the people who are teaching you the religion are just tricking you. They're just deceptive people who are trying to take your money most of the time. And they're trying to take your money because they say they're intermediaries

for an invisible man. This is the history of religion. This is... Who was it? Mark Twain who said religion? Mark Twain said religion started when the first con man met the first fool. It's... Isn't that awesome?

It's... But yeah, that's usually what it is. I mean, not all churches. I think they can really help your life. But the churches are so devious and deceptive that they've actually gotten where they don't have to pay taxes. Think about that.

They don't have to pay fucking taxes. These are guys that do a show. It's a show. It's an entertainment show. Every Sunday, they put on a funny outfit. They dress like a clown, a weird like God clown thing. And then they hypnotize a group of people

into giving them money because they think that by giving them the money they're planting seeds of love in the Garden of Heaven. And from these seeds, prosperity will grow. People believe that shit. They believe that by giving money to the church, they're gonna get something back from that.

That's fucking madness. I saw this televangelist saying on one of these late night shows, he's like, come on. You've only saved a few thousand dollars for the house. Do you really think you're gonna buy a house? Send the thousand dollars to us, and we will triple that money through God.

That's fucking incredible, man. That is pure evil deception. That's the most evil thing there is ever. So, the odds are, when you got sucked into the thing, you weren't aware of the fact that you're being tricked by a very greedy, clever man. And so, because you got tricked and you have a pride, as most humans do,

instead of acknowledging that you got tricked and leaving the religion, you throw away the rest of your logic, and you call that faith. You say, oh, no, I'm just gonna believe in this, no matter what, even though my rational mind is telling me it's absolute crap. And that's how religion works.

God forgive me. It's amazing how... It's amazing how walk... I mean, I used to live in Hollywood, and there's a place towards Vine that has great natural sandwiches, and they make a great fresh... They're Spanish, and they make a great, you know, juice.

Who goes? Not the Rallies, whatever the fuck they call it. And they also have my tuna, and they do it without the mayonnaise. It's really sharp. And I used to go in there, but you have to walk past the Scientology place. Yes. And they'd always ask you for an IQ test. Yeah.

And you're sitting there going, how are they... They're sucking me in with an IQ test. Yeah. Like, that's one religion that I never understood. It's a Hollywood thing. People call it Luminati. What is your take on this whole fucking thing?

On Scientology? Yeah. Is this going on the Internet? Absolutely. I think it's great. Wonderful religion. I think it's a... They're great.

I mean, join. Anyone listening should join right away. I mean, I can think of goon squads and everything, but let's be honest. Well, no, it's not just Scientology. It's every religion. Every...Scientology emerges, and people are like, man, those guys are fucking nuts.

They believe in aliens. They believe that we're all aliens, or they believe that there's tiny microscopic alien particles on our body causing us to do bad things. They're fucking nuts. How could they convince anyone to believe that nonsense? Meanwhile, every Sunday, there's people sitting who believe that these wafers have been turned into the flesh

of a sacrificed man-god who was sent down to Earth to bathe the world in blood. That's fucking crazy, too. That's equally goddamn crazy. If you change the name Jesus to LADAR and just say the exact same religion but with a different name, it sounds mad. Like, I've been washed in the blood of LADAR.

That sounds crazy. It's LADAR. LADAR? Who the fuck knows? But when you listen to Christian radio... Fuck, it's LADAR. LADAR, you just make up... This is what I've been doing. I've been making up names to replace Jesus and God.

Because if you listen to Christian radio, they say some crazy shit. They'll say, like, we have been washed in the blood of Christ. What the fuck are you saying? What? Washed in blood? That's Charles Manson shit. Washed in the blood of Christ. When is that ever good?

When is it ever good to wash in blood? Hey, man, your sink's not working. Oh, just washing that bowl of blood I keep by the sink. That'll get your hands real clean. But because we've heard it so many times from the moment we were born, it just sounds normal. Yeah, washed in the blood of Christ. Fuck, I was raised in the Catholic religion.

There was times again, like when I found my mother. I would say, what the fuck are these people talking about? The fucking funniest line of all time is, Jesus died for our sins. So, back up. Let's pretend tonight, Duncan goes and stabs three motherfuckers. And they die. Murder is a sin.

I'm gonna be sitting at home and also somebody's gonna call me and go, Duncan stabbed three fucking people. He killed them. I'm gonna sit there and go, you know what? I'm gonna call somebody a fucking nigger. So they could shoot me. So I could die for his fucking sins. Right.

Is it something like that? I'm sorry if I said the word nigger. I didn't mean to assault nobody. You motherfuckers know what I'm saying. It's a prejudice. What happens if you went out and called a black guy a nigger at 10 o'clock at night? You get fucking shot. That's right. So that's how I meant it.

Hey, if we're gonna piss off the Scientology, we might as well piss off black people to you. What are you gonna do? Yeah, I don't know, man. I think Christianity is incredibly beautiful religion when you don't take it literally, but I think when you start taking it literally, there's so many problems with it

that they end up turning it into something that it's not at all. I just had this guy Graham Hancock on my podcast, and he freaked me out because he was telling me about something called Gnosticism, which is the idea that the God that everybody thinks is God is actually Satan, that the God that everyone's worshiping is Satan, that there's an entity that came to planet Earth and tricked certain people into believing that it was a good God,

when in fact it's like Satan. So like the Catholic Church, fundamentalist Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, any religion that isn't involved with violence or death or taking people's money or exploiting people or molesting kids or hurting people, it's like that because they're actually worshiping Satan who's convinced them that he's God and is telling them to kill, which is a benevolent God would never do. So it flips things around.

So Christianity is actually a form of Satanism, the fundamentalist practice. They're actually worshiping the devil. Isn't that heavy, man? That's fucking heavy, Doug. It's fucking heavy, but look, man, how the fuck do you believe in Jesus while you're dropping bombs on children? How do you do that?

George Bush said he was a Christian, man. He had no problem slinging cluster bombs into the streets of Iraq. That guy said he worshiped Jesus. He's a born-again Christian. He believed God was talking to him, and the Gnostics would say, oh, God was talking to him, just not the Christian God, the God from fucking underneath the Earth.

You must attack Iraq, George. It's Jesus. You know, that's fucked up. That is true. Listen, at this point, anything is fucking possible. Anything is fucking possible at this point. You know, you sit there. Well, I mean, these priests are fingering kids.

I mean, hey, no, no, I'm still thinking about Jesus being the devil. I've been giving the devil a dollar every fucking Sunday for the last 40 years. That motherfucker, wait till I get my hands on that prick. You know, the Catholic religion, all the religions are good and fucking bad. It's whatever they do for you. It's like the Beatles.

It's like Bruce Springsteen. I don't like Bruce Springsteen, but half of you do. And you love him, and you argue with me, and you whatever. That's just the way life is. Well, it depends. I wonder about that, that best for you thing. I wonder about that best for you, and I hear stories in Afghanistan of 13-year-old girls

who just learned to read getting acid thrown in their face by men who are practicing, who are doing it in the name of Islam. Well, that's good for them, but that's not really good for the girl whose face just got turned into a fucking sizzling mass of pink flesh with eyeballs running down their face like scrambled eggs. It's not really good for them, it's fucked up. So that's a funny problem that we have right now on Planet Earth

is we all want to believe, like, no, it's good for you, go ahead and do it. But in a way, it's like, well, it might not be good for you. A lot of your priests are sticking their fucking cocks and babies, and you're making women dressed like beekeepers. What's it got to do with the Beatles? The Beatles never threw acid in nobody's face. You know, Mary Yoko, that's all the Beatles did that was fucked up.

You know, in life, it's whatever it does for you guys, you know? Some people like juicing, you know? How long did you take it before you said, fuck this shit? It sucks, dick, you know? It's whatever it does for you at that time in your life. You're right. You ever eat a fucking sandwich, and you say, this is the best sandwich I've ever eaten.

This is for the rest of my fucking life. And then when you're 40 one day, you're like, I can't believe I used to eat that shit. Or people are like, hey, I got you that sandwich. You're like, please, I don't ever want to see one of those motherfuckers again. Because it works for you at that time. You know, when I was a kid, my friend dated a girl, and she worked at a Burger King.

So every Sunday when we were in high school, we'd go up and I'd tear up ten of those chicken sandwiches. I thought they were fucking great. I thought they were the best thing I ever tasted, until Wendy's put out their chicken sandwich, and like 82. But that's at the point. The point was a couple weeks ago,

I was headed to Russia with my wife to Santa Barbara, and we stopped at Burger King. And I got the chicken sandwich, and it was the worst fucking thing I ever tasted. I took a bite, and I threw it out of the fucking car. Am I mad at Burger King? Yeah, the food always sucked. It worked for me 30 years ago.

Yeah, but what about the stuff that worked for Jeffrey Dahmer? Gay people's brains. Is it good for him to eat? Eat people? To cannibalize people? Really? By the way, I want to agree with you. This is a thing I've been struggling with,

especially after reading that book about the Mormons. And then any time you turn on the news, it's a religious-based conflict. Part of me is like, no, it's not what works for you. It's what works for all of us together. What's based in the truth, you know? I don't know where it goes, but I don't know about this whole like,

yeah, just do whatever you want, man. It'll be fine. If that was the case, it would be... I don't know what it would be. It would just be a mass of people giving themselves blowjobs surrounded by, I don't know where I'm going. When I was 15, I found my mother on the floor. I goofed around with her at the beginning of the show,

but at that time, it was something different to me. And what happened to me was I lost faith. I lost faith in mankind, because I was Catholic, and how could a God take away somebody's mother when they're 15? So I lost faith in everything. I lost faith in humanity. I lost faith in the God we had.

I didn't lose faith on humanity until later on, until I couldn't get Social Security because my mother didn't work enough quarters. Or the insurance policy that was left wasn't signed by a doctor. There were just all these things that I kept getting fucked in the ass from. I didn't turn to religion,

but at that time, at that little gap, if you would have given me a gun, I could have turned to murder. And it would have been hard the first time, but it got easier. I didn't. You know what worked for me at that time? You know what sealed that pain?

Getting high with my friends and doing coke and mugging hookers and telling all those ridiculous stories I tell? That's how I worked it. You had a loss this year. Yes. How are you going to react to it? I don't know.

Your mom passed away three, four months ago. My mom passed away November 8th, February 1st. February 19th, I was at Pink Floyd. So that was three months different. But after that, it went downhill. For me, I didn't need religion. But I can't imagine. For some people, maybe the coke wouldn't work.

Maybe going to the church of Scientology worked. That's how I mean it. Right. I know you mean it. That's best for them. Right now, you don't like religion, because it fills that void. Something has to fill the void.

Right. But that thing that you're saying, right there, something has to fill the void, there is another philosophy which is that, no, nothing can fill the void. And in fact, the only thing you can do is accept that you are the void. Become the void.

Recognize that you're pure emptiness and any imaginary thing that you try to cling on to to protect yourself from the real truth, which is that you're going to be warm food and a blink of an eye. That's a waste of time. That we have to cling firmly to the truth of our existence, which is one that a lot of people hide from using religion.

But you know what, man? I sound like I'm depressed. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Listen, we have a thousand people in this room that have each gone through different things. Yeah. And you may agree what we're talking about.

You may not disagree, but I just want to explain my point, that something works for everybody. Some people go into seclusion. Some women start fucking 20 guys a night. You know? I'm not putting nobody. It just happens.

Some guys use sex as a tool. It just happens. Something has to work for you. And you're right. You cannot fill that void. I could never, and I've told Levis, and I've told anybody that's close to me this, I told her on the documentary,

I could never fill the void that my mother left. I just told my wife this about a month ago, and she was upset with me. She's like, you tell me this shit now? No. You can't fill the void of that hole that she left. Yeah. It's like eating food with no salt on it

for the rest of my life. That's what it felt like when my mother died. Christmas ain't the same. My birthday ain't the same. You know, opening day ain't the same. Right. If a baseball. But that was me, you know?

There's something. There ain't no, you can't fill every void, but there's something you usually turn to. And I'm sorry that tonight's podcast wasn't this fucking bowl of hilarity. Yeah, sorry. But they cannot always be. We have to get down.

I want you guys to leave sometimes and go, dog, I was thinking about that the other day. Or, you know, we added some color commentary tonight. But it was a hard motherfucking podcast. So after we're going to smoke some pot and maybe drink some cocktails with you guys to relieve the pain. But listen, like I said, pain takes you to the next fucking level.

It's so weird because it's true what they say. You know, what's the thing? Pain lets you know you're still alive or pain, whatever. Pain takes you to the next level because you'll never have that pain again. You'll never, once you get shot one time, the next bullet is like, fuck it, I got shot. Ain't no, but it's just a hot piece of metal

and I put a nice cube on it, that's some shit. But that's, pain always takes you to the next fucking level in your life. No matter how you look at it. You don't, and you're thinking to me, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? I lost my mother. Pain takes you to the next level.

Took me to the next level and made me a fucking savage. It made me a reversible savage. I still, we find it, but I'm still, over the years, I've taken sandpaper and I've shaved some of the shit that you don't see off, but I'm still a savage. I know this. Because of that void that was left, you know. So, I don't know what to tell you.

Flying Jew, what the fuck is your problem tonight, what the fuck's up there? Don't you have any pain in your heart? No, I was thinking about a lot of stuff you guys said and it's, we talk about fear a lot on the podcast and it's, like right now I'm in a job that I hate, but then you think like, not this one. Like you say like pain, like it makes you stronger,

like sometimes you could be scared, like if I quit this job, then like I won't be, like I'm gonna be stronger for making it through this. So like something, like you don't know which way to go and that's something with religion. Like I, my mom wasn't really religious, but she wanted to be. So like, she gets hurt when I don't go to temple.

And like as a kid, I didn't want to like hurt her by not, like so fearful of leaving that. So it's, it's a weird thing like, like you don't like, religion isn't for me, but it's also like, I don't want to hurt anyone. So like there's so many angles to it. Look man, I go, there's a church I go to in Culver City sometimes called Agape.

This guy Reverend Michael Beckwith is the Reverend there. And it's like, I always leave feeling better. I always leave feeling better. So I'm sorry for shitting all over religion. I think that, I just think that you have to make sure that you're approaching it from a platform of truth and not delusion. You know what I mean?

So go into like, go to temple if it makes you happy. Go to church if it makes you happy, but just understand why you're happy. Don't let them tell you why you're happy. Understand why it's worth. Find the truth in the goddamn thing. I put something on Twitter on Monday and it sounded corny, but it's true.

The happiest I get is doing like this stuff. It's with Joey, but with any, any guests. Like it was funny, I was looking online. Our number one podcast in the past like two months is with Agostino at the house. The first one we did. And for people who, he's not like a known comedian. He's a guy who's 25, just starting out in comedy.

But there's something about like talking things out and like being positive. And it's just, it's like the happiest I get. And like it's, I wouldn't call it a religion, but it's like kind of what religion wants to be. Yes, exactly. That sums it up perfectly. That's exactly right.

Imagine if you decided that instead of tithing 10% of your income to the church, as they ask you to do, you were going to set aside 10% of your income just to buy things for your friends, just to do nice things for people. So now you control that. So now 10% of everything you make, you put aside no account. And that account is to buy X-boxes for your pals to seriously,

seriously think about how fun your life becomes. Because now you're really tithing to the universe because you're in control of the tithing. Instead of giving it away to the people in the funny costumes, you've become the thing that's sending the energy out directly to the people closest to you. So what you're saying is not what, I think it is religion. It is connectivity.

And religion is the thing that, that imitates that more than it generally becomes it. Yeah, because like no one, like if someone had asked me four years ago when I was doing a final in college, if I'd be happy if a guy who went to jail for kidnapping someone with a machine gun came over to my house two days a week at six in the morning to talk about like, like get on up cock sucker and all that.

It's like, are you crazy? What is he talking about? But it's like the best part of my life now. Yes! You know, the best thing about these podcast guys, honest to God, and I can't stress, this is when our friends come on here. This is easy.

You know, Duncan and I lost contact for a few years and I was very hurt by it. Like when Joe would say, guess what? Duncan's gonna show and I would go fuck Duncan. And Joe would go, why? And I'd go, because motherfucker don't come around, you know what I'm saying? I don't care what goes on in your life.

When you're family, you're always a part of us. You're always a part, you know, Leo always says some of the podcasts, I ain't talking to Joey every day. I've never had that before. When you're my family, that's what it means to be family. These motherfuckers that call you a friend, you're a good old party. Oh my God, my best friend is here.

Why? You know, I don't hear from you unless there's a party or something. My best friend is in some of your little party when take those birthday pictures in VIP. It's when you talk to somebody. It's when you make their day and they make your fucking day. Because Lee makes me, you guys listen to the podcast. He makes my day at six in the morning.

This is like, it's like being an uncle. And having, I'm an older guy. And it's funny because four years ago I had nothing going on. And I swear to God, I'm gonna tell you who told me this. Sifu, the black dude, the Kung Fu guy, the Santeria guy, told me he goes, if you're not getting anything Joey, it's because you're not stepping up and being a man around these youngsters.

And it changed my, those words changed my life forever. I got Lee, I got Duncan, I got Martin Rizzo. And he's not bullshitting, he walks the walk. I don't fuck around guys. When I was sick, he called me more than anyone else, including people in my family. You have to. And that means so much.

Everybody wants friends, but nobody wants to put the effort in. And it destroys me. It destroys me. Everybody wants to be a match.com. Everybody wants a social life. Everybody wants to have 20 friends. I don't need 20 friends. I need four good ones.

And we could take over the fucking world. With four good ones, you could take over the world. You could do whatever the fuck you want. You don't need a therapist. You just meet them for coffee and they're honest with you. That's a friend. You just slip and dog. Guys, I want to thank Duncan Trussell for coming out

and talking about what he spoke about today. This was hard today. If you guys looked at me, I had tears in my eyes a couple of times. This was a hard podcast. And I'm very proud of Duncan coming up here and talking about that. This makes the process go by. And I want to thank my brother Lee for doing a fucking great job as usual. Where are you at the next couple of weeks?

Are you on the road yet? Are you anywhere? Oh, no. I'm performing at the Laugh Factory a couple of times next week. Okay. That's it. Do you want to go to Milwaukee with me and Joe on the 30th? I don't know, man.

Maybe. You ready for 10 minutes? Let me think about it. I don't know if I'm ready to get back on the road. That's fucking... That's... Listen. I've never been to Milwaukee.

It's Benson Henderson against... Anthony Petters. Anthony Petters. I won't do an edible till then. We'll save it. This quail... I ain't got a lot of you people. I ain't got a lot of you people.

Let's talk on Monday more. I ain't got a lot of you people. This edible was... This quail was a dead tonight. It wasn't... I should be falling off my chair. Thank God. Wanted to eat some pussy.

I got two more left. We might pop both of them on the way home. I'm gonna... You know, as usual, you know, we got Anit who sponsors the podcast. And they're a great product. They're a great product. I want to give a shout out to Hulu Plus. You know, you get the $7.99 and two weeks for free.

$7.99 a month, which is fucking nothing. It's a bag of dope. You know, when you get to watch everything. And Dollar Shave Club, who I just got my stuff from. And I got to tell you something. I'm really impressed. A dollar a month for four fucking razors and a towel. Are you kidding me?

All these just go to the box. Either Press and Joey or Church or whatever the fuck... It's Church for Anit and for Dollar Shave Club and Joey for... The Hulu Plus. So go on there. And not anybody want to give a shout out to Duncan or any of your sponsors? No, man. I love you, Joey.

Thanks for putting me on the show. You're a wonderful human. I love you guys. Thank you very much for supporting us here. Any questions you guys want to... Hit the switch real quick. We got like five minutes. Any questions?

Anything? You guys were a very serious audience tonight. It's like you guys came from a wake. Everything all right with you motherfuckers? What's up, brother? Can you go to the store about kidnapping Hooker and Jersey? No. Because we'll be here for two fucking hours.

You're following us. What was your unit, man? It was a crazy night and it was very funny, you know. It was very embarrassing two days later. I'm not going to lie to you. But years later, it became a great joke and it's what busted me out. Lighting her wig on fire. I mean, who would a little fucking Hooker's wig on fire?

He can't. And I wanted to kick her and punch her, but I felt that light in her wig on fire hurt her more. You know, she probably waited online for that wig or traded for a mini skirt or something. This is probably too intensive a question to end it with, but when you just ask that, we talked a lot about being parents. I have no idea at all what it's about.

When people ask that, do you think about what you're going to say to Mercy when she's old enough? Yeah, it was a mistake. It was a mistake. I corrected it and I moved on with my life. You know, a mistake is something that you don't fucking correct. That's what a mistake is when you don't fucking correct it. Okay?

I made a mistake. If it wasn't a mistake, I would have kept kidnapping people. You know, but before that was a burglar and a mugger. Kidnapping was the epitome. You follow me? That was like the big move. That was like my Broadway premiere. It was the kidnapping, you know?

And I failed that and that's where I stopped. I did my four years. I did my probation. I paid my fines and I moved on. And am I a productive member of society? Not really. You know what a productive member is? Somebody who finds a star or somebody who finds a cure for fucking AIDS or cancer.

I'm not a productive member. I made you fucking morons laugh. Shame on you. You know what I'm saying? Shame on you. You should fucking hang out with David Spade. You know what I'm saying? That's some shit.

But I'm living and I'm not mugging people anymore. And I pay my taxes and I get up in the morning and I respect people. I don't fucking make right turns without putting a blinker on. And I don't pull over without putting a blinker on. I don't throw garbage out of my car. That's a productive member of society. And you help people. I have nephews now.

And I talk to them and I have friends. I have you guys. That's a productive member of society. And I can tell you I am and I'm a fake. And I go to church and I donate to the boys club and I give blood to the fucking humane society. Fuck you. I don't do none of that shit.

So. Donate blood to animals. Yeah. Whatever. Sometimes. Any other questions on this side of the room? What's up? Beautiful.

No. No. They don't know. They don't know about it. No. I didn't want them to know. You know. They're my friends.

And I don't like Eddie. I could have gone to Eddie for free. And why? You know, I would have put something on him and I would have had to be. I'm not good at jujitsu. I don't know anything about it. You know, I was used to hitting people with sticks and mugging people and having a gun. So I wanted to start somewhere where nobody knew me.

Where I could just be Joey Diaz and roll with people and learn what the fuck I was doing. And it's been great. You know, and I mess around with some of Eddie's people, like Alder and some of those guys, but none of them with those guys yet. I think that it's funny because I was at dinner with Joe when I first started. And I was sitting with one of those UFC guys was sitting next to him. Not a fighter, but like an office guy that weighed like 145 pounds. He's talking to Joe about rolling and how he hurt his shoulder.

And Joe goes, listen, man, take it from me. You don't want to roll with crazy people. You don't want to roll with beginners. So right there, I knew he wouldn't roll with me. So like two days later, I said to him, you wouldn't roll with me Joe Rogan as a joke or something. And what did he say? He said something crazy. No, like, no, it would never happen.

You know, you're a brood. Which I am. I would never want to, you know, I'm a bull in a glass. What is that? Bull in a Chinese. One of those guys. So have you, did you get to know? All right, no questions.

I thought you wanted to roll. I'm in no mood right now. I love you guys. Let's go outside. Thank you guys. Thank you very much for support. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com.joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. I love these guys and you will too. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com, forward slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner.