Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #07

Episode Date: September 23, 2013

Joey, Lee, and guest Brian Redban live at the Icehouse. Recorded live on 09/20/2013

What's up guys? I am fucked up already, so I don't know who I get here and he hands me a gummy bear with him He didn't say hi to me So thank you for coming out it's nice to do it on a Friday for once So I'm just gonna let's start it off. Here he is Joey Diaz What's happening things have been good, you know, it's improving my sex life. I can't believe I Always come like in a minute. I've always come like in a minute a minute and a half I'm one of those motherfuckers. I come but I give it to you for a minute and a half

Good I punch you I call you a dirty fucking whore. I choke you. I don't give a fuck I give it to you good for about 30 minutes 30 seconds. I just stare at you after that You like what happened nothing nothing I'm all right, it's just Did you come what do you think I'm just staring at you? You know I'm saying If I was huffing and puffing I'd be fucking but I'm staring at you But I started getting like a Panic attacks about three months ago like panic attacks when I work out I couldn't breathe And I thought it was the edibles because when you do an edible, you know

All you need is like a spark with the edible and it's like a fucking fire You know all you need is to your mind to tell you something It's like a fucking fire So I would be huffing and puffing working on also. I'm gonna die And also not to get up and have to take my pants off because you got a pee I swear to God dog had to take anything that was tight. I had to take it off That's how fucking bad of a feeling so I asked my doctor. He goes go see this Hypnotherapist, so I think she hypnotized me. I don't get stressed out no more

But now when I fuck I think about the island of serenity Because that's what she told me to go not when I fuck but when I stress out she goes go to the island of serenity There's ducks there. Nobody bothers you. There's a bunch of refits rolled up already You know sometimes you got refit but you're stressed out because you don't want to roll that motherfucker You're like I want to smoke it, but I don't have time to roll this commercials. They're fucking flying. You know I'm saying So that's my she goes right down your perfect fucking, you know, what would be perfect for you to be nude You know on an island with a fucking little Japanese butler, whatever Chinese Japanese, I don't give a fuck just a little Asian guy serving me drinks and giving me sushi rubbing my shoulders

You know I'm saying nothing like not my gateway like a real fucking Like a real fucking butler, you know I'm saying what's a butler? He's not a gay dude. He just made sure you're straight You know I'm saying he made sure your feet aren't tired. He fucking rubs your shoulders. He irons your jacket You know when you get up. He puts the jacket on for you. You know I'm saying that's what I'm talking about So I'm there. I got like birds, you know, that's my island of serenity So now when I fuck I think about the island of serenity and I've been breaking my own record. I'm up to like three minutes now, so I Just want to tell you that sometimes you know

I tore my wife up yesterday for like Two and a half minutes I made eye contact when you look But I was really at the island of insanity whatever the fuck I'm So if you're having a hard time nothing if you can't not think of the island of serenity and come on down, you know Come on down. There's a beats of some bitches there for you. You know I'm saying You have a good fucking time. You're following me. That's it. You know, it's Friday people when you're here, and I'm happy I'm really happy. It was a fucking great week. It was a long week, you know not shit happened this week Sometimes you ever live your life and it's Friday. You're like, what the fuck happened this week?

Nothing. I Went to work. I watched TV Whatever I went to sushi, but you fucking take it for what it is. You're like, I don't give a fuck I ain't gonna stress out about it. You know, I don't I have a little baby now I look at every fucking day. No don't clap and I think about how she even I think about how she even came really like I look at It you don't know how lucky I am. She should be stoned like I look Like I look at it like I took her to portos the other day, right and Burbank just to test her just to see if she would lose her fucking mind if she was still

Because I smoke pot people. I don't just smoke pot like one of these fucking Hollywood guys. Oh my god Put that out. It's it's too much to me. Make sure not to drive get the fuck out of my face Fuck out of here. I go a joint deep by six. You know those people at all 420 bitch Bitch Where were you at 820 this morning? 420 fuck you in your 420. I didn't even heard a 420 till I moved out here. It's 420. So what I got to a 430 What do you want to do? You know I'm saying It's time to smoke bitch. I've been smoking since 820 for fucking 20

For fucking 20, you know how high I was this morning at 9 a.m. Watching fucking team oomie zoomie Do you have any fucking idea my babies passed out? I'm stoned to the fucking gills Watching team oomie zoomie and shit Feeling like a fucking pervert, but not really And you're watching I should like this conversation for perverts You know I'm saying like who knows about team oomie zoomie when you're over 12 a fucking pervert He goes to a park. Hi. How are you doing? Did you see the latest episode of team oomie zoomie? That's what a pervert tells a little kid. You don't ask an eight-year-old. Did you watch breaking bad? Do you?

There's one going cock suckers there's one going here Not enough. Thank you sir. This is my co-host tonight this fucking night. I Can tell you're gonna be a chatty little fuck tonight, aren't you? Don't be no chatty here tonight cock sucker No chili chatty here, you know, I love you. All right, that's it No more you don't can't even talk to after the fucking show How you doing look at this sexy fucking waitress give her a round of applause Don't forget don't forget the tip, but that's one of my all-time favorite waitresses one of my all-time favorite women Look at that's a real fucking woman. Look at her feet. She's manicured and pedicured

Look at those tight pants. They're throwing fucking heat. I guarantee It's Friday night. She's manicured the shmunky shaved. It's ready for war Because that's how she rose. That's a real woman right there. A lot of you women one after I didn't shave your pussy What are you thinking it's fucking Friday night? What happened? He wants to come over and you got that bush of life going on down there Which I don't give a fuck. I like it Harry. I don't give a fuck I want some hair in my eye when you're reading that pussy so everybody wants to have a bald fucking pussy You know ugly that fucking thing is bald. You got to leave some a mustache a Nazi mustache You know I used to do this juicic with a Nazi across a fucking thing that that chick had style that chick didn't fuck around

You could eat that little yarmulke pussy. It was crack a lockin motherfuckers. I Don't like that bald pussy shit. You gotta have a something on there Something around right above the noodle right there. Well like a little fucking with the onion smells. You know, yeah It's got that little Smells like a gyro. I like it right there That's like That's when it comes to life. Look at this girl laughing. You know I'm talking about shit I love it's got some whang to it a monkey's got to have whang to it. And then when you're fingering

And it lets all the fucking aroma that motherfucker then that juice goes down your arm you're rubbing on your face like a savage Next time you eat a pussy just wipe your fingers that yeah, like a chicken They just look you this motherfucker's an animal look at him. I'm out of Purell bitch I'm licking my fingers. I'm out of Purell and shit All right Coming to the stage the baddest Jew out there today mr. Lee Syat What's up cocksucker what's happening over here everything all right, what's up Becky McDougal? What's happening Lisa at you sit on cocksucker look at you

He's already high look at him Of course I'm high you give me gummy bear. You want another one? No, how about a half? How about a half for one Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee? No, no, no, let's go for another half fuck We'll split one. No, let's split one fuck it You don't have a license relax lady You're not fucking legal you're fucking 16 and you ain't fucking legal get it together Then you get stoned and you suck somebody's dick and I got the cops knocking at my door tomorrow

Saying she was 16 and not legal. Who are you Rick James get it together cocksucker? What's up my little brother, how are you? I'm fucking stoned. That's good. That's good. I Can't disagree. I like you know, I like the ball pussy. I like it. I don't know why you don't like it What I don't like cuz if there's too much here. It's awful. Oh You're gonna drive someone gonna drive me home I Fucking Yom Kippur I don't give a fuck we eat here. We're modern Jews. How you doing buddy? Everything all right in your world. What's been going on?

I'm doing fantastic. Did you get your iPhone? No, I don't I'm not gonna I didn't want to wait in line I just bought it online. I bought it online last night. So when does it get to your house? I have no idea like two weeks two fucking weeks It's a good ship in three days, but it's coming from China or something. I have no idea You see the shit I got to deal with this motherfucker. Hey, well, what would you have done if I called you at 6 a.m. I said I'm outside the Verizon store right now. You would have come over and stab me you would have killed me I would have probably had a bomb alert. I would have probably Got a yum yum donuts and said there's a mysterious looking man

With a beard he's a little short to Jew guy And he's walking around looking all creepy and shit looking like Sandusky at the park That wouldn't really narrow it down in Sherman. Oh, yes it fucking would cock sucker You wouldn't got a Sherman. Oh, we're gonna go to Encino to the Apple store. No, no, there's a Verizon store right next to my house What am I crazy? What am I fucking GPS? I don't fucking know I'm just telling you how the fuck it works. So fucking high. I know you are look Look at him. He sounds he's on he sounds like a gay guy. I'm so fucking So fuck

That's what that's what a gay guy says when he wants to suck your dick. He's like I'm so fucking hard Can you imagine that being so fucked up one night or coked up and some gay guy falls asleep on your couch And you're like fuck it. I'm gonna fuck this dude. You know what I'm saying? And you start eyeballing him rubbing your dick on his face. You're like fucking he wants anyway. I almost fucked a guy one time I swear to God But I didn't let me tell you the story before you fucking judge me, right? I Was in Vegas and this bitch was banging. I mean it was a it was a man

But she had the operation and and she was dressed up with bun. She had big tits and she was sitting across from me Showing me the pussy. You know like when they shit like legs with their legs open like that I didn't want to look at it, but I was dying to look at it. You know saying I Then the phone rang and security and they're like Joe Rogan pick up the phone I go, that's you and he goes over He picks the phone up and he looks at me. He's like So he comes back he sits next to me and he goes. She's a man And I go I don't give a fuck

Look at that she's dying he's dying to show me her pussy look at him I I swear to God finally I go you really a man He told me this story He was a man and he got fired from the casino because they found out he was a man He was doing a naked review. So he was suing the casino and shit. So, you know me. I gotta ask this Do me a favor show me that little fucking Show me a little fucking dragon just out of respect show And he pulled it up and swung like this spread it out

And it was like, uh, it would look like a pussy that they put like a You ever get like a drill and it has those big holes to open up like a wall Like it was like you see what a pussy the hole ain't perfect. It's fucked up over here It's got wrinkles over here. It's a hole, but it's fucked up Her hole was perfect. His hole was perfect like they put one of those drilled And it was huge it had no meat behind it was just a hole, you know What the fuck you guys wanted to know and All right, and now I'm breaking it down for you and now you're a bunch of christians get it together. You know what I'm saying?

Let me let me ask you go ahead in your in your previous life doing coke and stuff. Would you have done that? No, no, this is a joke Lee. You know, I would I would have probably brought her up to the room like if she said she snorted coke. Listen, let's be honest here Let's be honest. We're men and there's women. We're men and there's women in this room as a man If I would have took her back, let's say she had or he had an eight ball or a quarter ounce of coke And he goes if you want to get high I would have said yeah Eventually by five I would ask him to see his tits I would have said show me your tits

Then show me by eight o'clock. You got to suck my dick dawg because that's what I'm saying What difference is just me and you you know what I'm saying? It's just me and you the bartender went home. What are you gonna do? Get to the half ounce of coke. You're George gonna move anyway. You might as well It might as well suck it. You know what I'm saying? No, I ain't gonna tell nobody. You know me You know me I'm gonna tell somebody you guys suck my dick. What's wrong with you? But I never happened so I mean I ain't gonna lie to you guys. It's just listen even if you bring a woman home

Let's say I was at a hotel one time right here in Schrader And it just so happened that I ended up moving across from that hotel Years later and I and Mike and that's when I used to be at the comedy store And I was a fucking mess and that night I leave the comedy store and go back to that hotel I'd stop and get like a six pack of beer and cigarettes and I go back to that hotel with like a grandma coke And fucking people would knock on your door And one night this girl knocked on my fucking door. I thought it was a dream come true And this girl was cute and she's like can I party with you and I'm like sure

And I'm looking at this girl and this girl tells me she's fucking 16 Like an hour in and I'll tell you man. I was fucking horned up and I threw out But at 6 a.m. I was pissed at myself, you know I'm saying I ain't gonna lie to you motherfuckers at 6 a.m. I was jerking off. She was fucking 16 But you know I'm saying like I caught myself if she would have stayed in the room I would have had to suck my dick because you know What do you want to do watch spongebob or suck my dick, you know When you're 16, you don't want a sponge, but you know so my point being that I know myself

We all know ourselves and what our limitations are If you do coke and drink from 11 o'clock at night, and it's 8 the next morning. You might let anybody suck your dick. I'm just telling Ladies we've all been the position when you're taking a guy home. You wouldn't take him home if you were sober But you had a couple cocktails. You were thirsty He had coke, you know, whatever it happens So that's your answer. I don't know. I never it never happened But I know myself if it would have been like nine or ten o'clock I get creepy when I was I remember one night I was doing drugs with this girl and she wouldn't let me fuck her by 11 o'clock. I'm like, let me just pull your hair

I don't want to fuck you. Let me just pull your hair and then she's like, okay, and I fucking pulled that bitch off the bed, right? At the Sahara motel in Sunset, I ain't lying to you I was dragging this bitch like a caveman and she's like, why she's like, why are you doing this to me because you won't let me fuck you You let me fuck you nobody would pull you around like fucking the Flintstones and shit, but When we get when we get guys when we get fucked up We can find ladies don't you know, you think it's cute to come over our houses Get drunk and fall asleep on the couch. We will fuck you We will fuck you

Not because we're rapists or we're perverts because that's just the way it is. You're sitting there with your button down here You're sitting here with your button down here Showing cleavage, we're gonna suck your tit or sniff it And then we're gonna look in your bra And then we're gonna feel your tit and if that tit pops hard, that's it you're a goner Even in your sleep, we don't give a fuck if that fucking nipple pops out in your sleep We're like, oh this bitch is awake and then we'll and then we'll try to hit you in the face wake up Wake up

You're not gonna if you don't wake up. I'm gonna stick my dick in your mouth I gave you a chance to wake up And we've all either done that or thought of that Because you dumb women will come home to a guy's house and say i'm tired and fall asleep You know, what the fuck you know, how many chicks I robbed? You don't want to fuck me. I'll take those 38 dollars And your jc penny card. I'm a freak jag. I don't give a fuck What's up Lee?

Look at the fucking shape of you cocksucker. Look what you did to me. What's the dirtiest thing you've done to a girl when she's sleeping Not well you get mad at me because that that girl's staying with me And I didn't he he would call me every day at like midnight. I'd be like just take a dick out and put it against your face He'd be like just jizz and put it in her hand You got to break them in slowly when they're sleeping if you take jizz and put it under the nose and they're sleeping Don't recognize that certain jizz Look at you getting better looking every time I see you know I love this fucking girl right there

Seriously, if you take a little jizz and put under the nose while they're sleeping You do it like three nights in a row, right? You just do it then the fourth night you put something right on their lip right under here So they sleep with them they suck it all night like fumes Then you Nobody's ever woke a woman up here with dick. Am I am at my oh, yeah, I've done that Am I in a room full of fucking christians? What what? No, I've done that with like a girlfriend But I'm not gonna go to like a girl passed out on my coach bill against my dick. Listen first of all

She was a girl that was staying at your house for free. She got to pay rent All right now I could understand She doesn't want to fuck you or nothing like that, but you know, you could jerk off in a neck Jerk off on her feet You know, you could use a panties and whack off on them. Hope she should get pregnant through osmosis Whatever you're into you know I'm saying I have no idea what you're saying. You know what I'm fucking saying cocksucker

Who wants to get a girl pregnant without fucking them? That's the worst. That's the best I'm pregnant. I didn't fuck you Don't look at me. I just jerked off went into the air And You imagine that now fucking somebody to get pregnant then they have your kid and they're like, it looks like you You got the wrong fucking guy Don't look like me. I was asleep that night I don't know nothing. That wasn't me that was picking your ankle up in the middle of the night

What's the crazy thing you've done? When I broke into lucy snobush's house And Ain't her pussy that was That was the filthiest fucking crazy. That's the first time Drugs took over me and I felt really guilty because I knew her and I had grown up with her But I ate her pussy so fucking good that night that you couldn't be mad at me. You know what I'm saying? Because sometimes Sometimes sometimes you know how to eat pussy. So that's good. I didn't know I was just the drugs just made me a fucking wild man

I was just licking it I was biting it. I didn't give a fuck. I think that's the first time I sniffed a woman's ass and made me crazy like None of you guys none of you women like when a man sniffs your ass, let's say you're on doggy style, right? And he comes up behind you. He's eating your pussy and you feel that little nose his nose go Like you hear the does that turn a woman on it would turn me on If if a woman sniffed my nuts and I heard her going like if I heard it So So if a girl is on all fours and you like this guy sniffing my asshole

Does that turn you on does that make it like no What turns you on some guy opening up a fucking car door for you your fucking mom Oh my god, he's such a gentleman. I just sniffed your fucking ass after Thai food. You know what I'm saying? I just sniffed that ass after coconut soup and fucking Pad Thai shrimp. Who loves you more than me? Your mother wouldn't even sniff your ass after Pad Thai Here I am sniffing that fucking muffler like it's the Like it's the last cream puff in existence, you know what I'm saying?

I don't I think I think it would turn me on if a woman was sniffing my ass I mean without further ado, we got a great guest tonight. Let's bring up my brother. Mr. Brian red band What's up dog, how are you my friend Jesus christ? You are one of the funniest motherfuckers? I know man. I can go on crazy tonight and your your ass dirty as me I've never met somebody else that admits that they like to rub a girl's underwear on their dick. You know like I love this since I was about 13. I sniffed my aunt's bra in Miami I had a Cuban aunt that had big fucking tits and I used to look at them She used to teach me math and I look at her tits and go. I wonder what they smell like, right?

And in the bathroom she had the you know, I'm old you guys are very young But in the old days women didn't fucking it didn't come with a bottle for you to do You had those red bottles with the hose on it with the thing that looked like a little skinny dick with four squirted With hot fucking water in it. So I wouldn't have to put like vinegar in and mr. Clean and that motherfucker And then you got to shake it up and then stick that thing and squeeze it into your pussy and then all the funk came out legs and fingernails and shit You never broke a fingernail when you were fingering somebody Fuck that pussy wall was hard, right? See

Look at brian. Look at fucking. He's that's not brian. So what? That's juban. I know what I was talking about. I don't know what the fuck I was doing My my my friend's mom had a vibrator and we were younger and he'd be like look you got to see this thing That's in my mom's uh, uh drawer and he would show it to us every time my friend would go to the bathroom I would sprint to his mom's house or his mom's bedroom just lick that thing and smell that thing Every time I came over every time I love it. I love all that nasty shit And and those douche bottles my mommy's toys have them in the in the in the uh toilet

Or I mean in the trash can and as a kid. I thought they were fun to drink juice out of And then she caught me once and had to explain it to me and it was the worst day of my life You're over there drinking pussy flavored cool ladies My mom's pussy flavored flavored cool lady And then one time when I was really young I remember my grandmother's underwear was on the floor and I actually smelled them I guess it's smell your underwear night here I'll tell you when I was a kid I did some I used to have this chick My name was gloria la flocka and she used to

And she used to shake she was bad to the bone though. This was a white Cuban bitch with blue eyes Long brown hair, but she used to shake she was beautiful and one day I found these fucking naked pictures of Polaroid pictures of her with a pussy open and shit. I was sniffing those fucking Polaroids And she told my mother my Polaroids are missing and I said I found them on the street I gave her six back and they're like no no no no There was two of them. I gave her that last one that mother fuck I must have jerked off on it 80 times it was It was all it looked like your finger when you take it out of the bathtub. I was

It was all soggy her pussy was all fucked up You do some fucking crazy shit when you're young and you're discovering your sexuality I never did nothing creepy. I never raped nobody nothing like that But that fucking lucy snobbish that night that was because I walked 40 blocks thinking about eating her pussy like Nothing was stopping me. I was breaking the Like I was breaking the fucking window. I didn't care, you know, I was just gonna go in and kill her mother and father And just eat her fucking pussy, you know

What's the creepiest thing you did at 15? Uh a lot of things 15 Uh, I used to have sex with this girl the first girl I ever had sex with and we couldn't have sex Anywhere like at her house or at my house and stuff like that So we just always sneak out so we would go to movie theaters And we would during the day and would go to kids movies because during the day all the kids were at school and stuff like that And so, uh, we'd go to like fern golly, which is a kids movie and we'd sit in the back and fuck And there'd be like five other families, but they're way up in the front or something like that and uh or behind like little

Caesar's there was like a dumpster that we used to always fuck behind That's fucking crazy You actually fucked in the movie theater because I got head in it, but it's different. It's like, oh, yeah How oh well Usually just get you find an empty movie and you just fucking the back row in the back corner Or your projectionist like myself and then you just start all the movies and then take the ushers up there and fuck them I was too, but those are the days when I was 35 millimeter and now you can really do it because it's just a button Oh, yeah, I know. Oh, I need to get that job back. Yeah

I remember one time I robbed this bank like not robbed the bank directly I was telling my buddy so it was checks and my buddy worked in the bank So he cashed the checks and had all this money. There was this girl I was I told to start on the joe rogan podcast There was this girl ana bigiani. Well, I was in love with skinny little bitch with a big pussy. She was like 16 She used to date this little half a fact showing champion But she was a skinny girl with blue eyes italian But on her jeans her pussy was always swollen and I was like, I want to date that girl

I want to fucking eat her pussy something So I finally hooked up what I called her sister and I'm like, I want to date your sister It was fucking freezing. It's like february on a friday night. We bought beers We bought a little bit of coke and I took her behind the fire department Behind the fucking fire department and we're swapping spit. I'm sucking the tits. I'm fingering her. We're doing coke So I'm like, listen tomorrow. Let's do this again. Well, let's fuck and she's like, okay But that night I walk her home. I go home and the next morning I wake up ready to fuck and there's a foot of fucking snow And I'm like, I ain't letting that stop me

And I went and borrowed a shovel I was not lying to you guys I was not lying. I I said there's a throwaway story on joe rogan It was no throwaway story I went up there and shoveled it and then put snow around it and put more snow and then got like milk crates And I called it a fucking glue. I swear to god I worked like six hours on this thing. I was gonna fuck her. I was gonna get blankets I was gonna get like a candle one of those purple lights. It was a plug in the back And I'm gonna call like a six o'clock ready to fucking. She's like, I'm not allowed out tonight. I'm like god

I built the fucking glue. You know what I'm saying? Who builds a fucking glue in my perverted mind? I thought she's gonna let me fuck her outside in 10 below whatever. So did you make it like a jackoffy glue or did you use it? Yeah, yeah, I went there in the snow by myself Got a penguin and jerked off on its neck. You know what I'm saying? I Had some one of the worst grossest things ever happened to me recently. I don't know if I told you this right now I uh, I've recently been getting into molly and I would only I only do it like like once every six months or something like that

But uh, I did it with this girl and this girl is one of those girls that when she's on molly Her inner voice becomes her outer voice So she's just sitting there talking shit about everything she sees and it's very uncomfortable And we were at this rock and this famous person's house and we Snuck away and I just went down on her and I flipped her around and just started eating her out from behind licking Her asshole and shit like that and she was so fucked up in molly. She just started shitting in my mouth And That's a good time

How people go to disneyland Oh gee whiz what's in my mouth? No, and so I didn't I'm like a nice guy. I I didn't want to embarrass her or anything like that So I just started wiping my mouth on her butt like going like Like trying to get it all out of my beard and stuff like that and then and then I just like She started to kiss me like I stood up and started kissing me And I think she realized because she tasted shit what was going on Because when we just both pulled up our pants went back downstairs

Did you ever mention it to her that you know, no, but I think she's probably heard it on a podcast now How much shit got in your mouth It I don't think it was a lot I think it was more like a like a bubble or a squirt but But it tasted Like it tasted like Like, you know like like it tasted like when you wipe bad and you don't realize you have a little poop on your finger And you just like taste your finger and you're like, what the fuck is that?

It's like that times like a hundred You know, I went I went home last week It was really funny because I went to New York last week and I stayed in jersey by my neighborhood And when I was driving those streets, I thought of a lot of little fucking stories, you know I think I told this story before and the more I'm gonna tell you the moral of the story before I tell you the story The moral of the story is if you're a racist, you better not have a sister All right I'm gonna say it again if you're a

If you're a racist, you better not have a sister. Tell us why why okay. I'll tell you why voice inside my fucking head Because uh when I was in the eighth grade I played for McKinley and we couldn't find the coach And there was this guy that hung out at the courts that every time I went to the courts. He's like, oh look at his spik basketball I Spick basketball and I wouldn't say nothing. I knew he was a fucking moron, you know He was built and I always thought if something went down I would just hit him with a fucking stick or something, you know By that time my mom had that talk with me. She green lit the stick break their fucking heads

I ain't gonna say nothing to you. I just don't want calling you a spick, you know so Uh one day he decides he's gonna coach the basketball team And right off the bat I had somebody talk to him and go look at whatever's on between you guys He's starting don't fuck with him and nothing but he used to bring his sister to the basketball games Now I'm in the eighth grade the sister was a sophomore and she was a cheerleader at holy rosary academy Which is a cat. They were very catholic And I played at st. Michael c y o I played for the school

But I also played the same Michael c y o which was across the street from holy rosary academy So one winter night because you play in the fucking winter She cheerleader for the basketball team on she's in high school I'm in grammar school when you're in grammar school and you even suck at girl's tit from high school You're a fucking pimp, okay Okay, you remember this shit like when you when you fucked an eight like I didn't fucking the eighth grade But if you got you fingered somebody the eighth grade that was big But that wasn't as big as like touching a girl that was a sophomore's pussy outside the jeans

That trumped it. Do you follow me? So she was a junior and you sucked the tit And you fingered the eighth grade girl you trumped her with the tit that belonged to the junior You're with me becky. Okay I don't want to confuse nobody here. So We start dating, you know, like talking on the phone and she's like my brother can't find out He doesn't like Cuban people. I go I fucking know You don't like Spanish people don't like Spanish people. Whatever. I don't give a fuck

So I can see when we swap spit she'd go into those trances where she'd get all horned up when I'd feel her pussy So I'm like, this is perfect. We're gonna fucking fuck one night So one night after this basket football game, we walk home and my grandma's school had just built a gym I'll never forget this because I seen it last week and I got sick to my stomach And there was a wall there and I took it behind the wall. We're making out. I didn't know nothing about nothing guys We think we know about sex, but we don't know nothing. We're making out. I'm feeling the tits I'm grabbing her monkey finally take her pants off and I don't know nothing about none I popped my dick out and I put it in there

Half a minute, you know, whatever And I come and I pull it out and then I decide to eat a pussy, right? So must I tell you guys what happened? No, no, she was a virgin So I go down I'm licking this hot salty thing. I'm like, this is delicious. This is delicious. This is So It's warm it tastes like blood, but it's good. I can live with this I don't know what's going on man. I walk this girl home. She's crying, you know

Because after you pop that cherry they cry for like three days They make you listen to love songs and shit So I walk her home and this went on I loved this girl. I liked in the eighth grade. She was a sophomore I was in eighth grade. So one night at those days it was cold so you couldn't do nothing We would stay in front of her house and make out and hold her hands like two fucking idiots And one that I'm out there and I'm fingering her to death, right? She had black corduaries on and I'm in the pants Just fucking you know when you're when you're in the eighth grade you finger people for real like

You fucking finger them you pick them up off their feet They're like looking at you like you're picking those bitches up. You're giving them like a reverse hoof. You're picking All of a sudden her father goes renae I think it's time for you to come in And she goes okay dad He goes right now. Good night. Coco And my hand was in her fucking pants start

And he's like right now and I'm like hold on. Let me just tell something. He's like renae right now And I popped my hand out of that motherfucker and she went one way I went the other and like the next day they moved And I just saw her in facebook about a month ago. Let me explain some to you think I'm ugly Wait till you see this dirty bitch. I friended her and then I unfriended her right there in the center But I walked home with that blood on my face And uh all the nights my mother was home when I walked in I remember her looking at me going What'd you get to a fight?

I don't know. What makes you say that? She goes go look in the mirror And I like blood all over the fucker Oh my god disgusting That's disgusting Eating that bloody pussy. That's disgusting. I've never done. I'll never fall for that trick again, man Years ago. I was coped out one night a girl had a period I licked around the noodle and I just left the string in there And like worked it with the You just work it real hard like machine and machine gonna pinky her asshole

Where you pinky while you're pulling that motherfucker out and lick that little noodle that's a party where I come from Look at you motherfuckers on a Friday night What type of pussies am I dealing with this is what happens if you want to date happy It's not one of these ladies has that little fucking monkey on fire. What do you do? What do you do with that string avoid you got to work that motherfucker? I mean, I'm not saying you got to pull your dick in that bloody mess, but you got to play with a little bit just I Hate that they always lie about that like oh no

I stopped my period two days ago, and then you're eating them out. It's taste and it tastes like you're running a bloody nose in your mouth I just stopped that I just avoid the whole fucking deal once they say something I had to stop it right there check yeah No, there ain't no food to go, bitch. There ain't no There ain't no dessert. You got your period. I swear to god. I used to have this girl I used to fool around with like six years and I was a coke freeing and I go over there and she had a great body And she would let me eat it from behind. I love this girl. I love all that shit, right?

And I would call up and I go, what are you doing? She said I'm here drunk If and I knew the dates of her period From the 20 to the 25th, I wouldn't even call that bitch. She would call me in the 20 second. What are you doing? Nothing sleeping Hahaha Bring over some coke. Fuck. I ain't wasting coke on you now Fuck I'll do a line by myself and jerk off. I'm gonna go over there With a hundred dollars worth of coke to get that string at the end of the night that fucking Fucking pinata string. I don't need that shit

Nasty motherfucker You women like to trick us with that shit too. You still go out and put on tight clothes and shit. Fuck that shit Have like a sign. No. No can do. Don't waste your time But you still go out and commit and shit like you're rocking. I'll suck your dick And then you take them home and like oh my by the way, what? What you're a man. No, it's that time of the month now. You tell me you motherfucker Now after I spent the fucking 300 on an eight-ball What Brian what just got me thinking about what just about stuff

Blood and buttholes I want you people to go home and think about this shit We went to have a good time. That's you know, he's pulling the fucking string, you know I uh, I waited in line and got the new iphone this morning. I saw you up at six in the morning Yeah, I almost went over there and fucking shot you I Why you you want it don't you I want it, but I'm not gonna stand on fucking line for it Yeah, it's not bad except they only have the black one there

Like I only get the white one and I had to get a black one. Well, that's good. The black is beautiful Yeah, but I've already had to give up my fingerprints All right, so that's good. Look at that. You just open it up with your fingerprint I love it because when I first met him there's a video Where I used to text him or is that what it was and he used to get so pissed He'll have this like a little flip phone and then like you would seriously break my arms if I if I texted you And now you got a smart phone you you're embracing technology so fast man and look You you don't

You take photos sometimes But I don't take videos I don't take what's your favorite apps. I don't have no apps. No apps. I don't even know what an app is Look at my phone. I don't even know what the fucking app is. I'm scared to download it because it might blow up I Every once in a while it comes up over here like app store and twitter will come up with facebook I don't want nothing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, his home screen looks like the picture on the box when you buy the iphone Wow

I got twitter I won't check facebook I don't give a fuck about gmail when I'm on the road I don't give a fuck about instagram. You know, I care about what time it is in new york and what time it is in la You would be great at finding though. I got uh, I told him I write little jokes over here Bicycle on the streets Wait, it makes me sad that you don't have your voicemail anymore. I don't even have voicemail no more. Yes I'm not a turn. I still erase every message

I erase every fucking message. I don't even listen to him If it's like from an individual, I just erase the fucking thing No, I meant you're greeting because like I would get excited you do change it like every three months Yeah, you're greeting. He'd be like it's like if you had one for the holidays you'd want for like happy Easter cocksucker You leave a message. I'll fucking stab you in your fucking family You don't know How many times I've had people go I'm not leaving a message and you haven't soaked with me and they've hung up the fucking phone And that's why I do it people I have that message because I don't want nobody fucking around with me

You follow I'm saying listen. I used to work for these fucking heavy-duty jews Right, these are the best fucking jews ever and they used to have uh, what does it say unable to download application? Fuck you Mind don't even say done it says fuck you And this is a true story We work for a sports betting service And the first two lines of that pitch were the most offensive lines on that screen I forget what they were it was like if you're you're a fucking loser and your mother's a loser

That's why you called our number cut it out. You couldn't repeat the words. You couldn't even say it was so horrible And one day I went to him I go do I have to say that he goes yes Because I want you to say it and I want the people to hang up Because if they hang up, I know they're not in It eliminates it. He goes when I call you I either want the people to die Change their number or hang up if they don't do that then they're gonna buy That was his philosophy. So he blew you out of the water The first two lines like you're a fucking loser and your mother's a loser grab the credit card

You're going two and oh tonight like some fucking outrageous So, you know, sometimes you got to blow people out of the water I wouldn't want somebody to come to the show and be insulted by us talking about pulling the string You guys all knew the content before you walk Okay You knew this show could go any fucking direction and I appreciate that But sometimes people come to a show and then 30 minutes in you see I'm leaving But the next day you get a letter in the fucking mail

Saying that you insulted me and you're like, what happened to youtube? You know what I'm saying I go see a stupid fucking movie. It's sold out. What do you want to do Brian? I don't know. We drove all the way at the Pasadena. Let's do something Comedy club Sure, who is it? Joey Diaz The church podcast Joe, you know these people now youtube is fucking moron He's talking about cock and pussy and

And lighting a wig on fire from some fucking hookup. Obviously. I'm a christian. I don't want to hear that Right or wrong right 100% right. How you doing buddy? You ready for another cheapo chew? Is that what that Is that what is that what I had is that what you gave me that shit's fucking strong, dude Fuck the queen who wanted cheapo chews and they're always This is only in fucking listen to me motherfuckers This is only in Denver. We got them here tonight. Now I don't have none for any of the guys

I have one for a beautiful woman Not you not you hold on hold on hold on Only jesus is free Ain't nothing free in this life, you know those drinks you're drinking right now You know those drinks you're drinking haha with your boyfriend you're paying for those later You pay for everything in this life. So does he What You're drinking a sprite. Oh my god, what's what do you drink tomorrow night mountain dew?

Oh my god, it's saturday. Fuck. That's right Somebody's gotta I want a woman to fart on Lee's face tonight real quick Even if you just come up and put your ass in his face backwards And just back it up. That's later We gotta take baby steps here. All right I don't want to go in the shock here already You get some chick that ate hummus for lunch and And had japanese food for dinner and then she wants to cut a fart my little brother's face

He can't handle that. He's a rookie. You know what I'm saying? You got to start them off slowly just put your asshole in your face and go pamp with your mouth and then Then the next time we fart in his face The next fourth time I'll find the chick with diarrhea and so on Lee do you get a lot of massages? No, I've never done that Have you ever heard of rub maps dot com We went to san jose and hit the guy who opened for him which showed me a red book. What is the fucking the prostitute one?

Oh, uh There's so many Red book or something but No, no, you should go to rub maps dot com It's a it's yelp for massage parlors like you get pretty much like put whatever you want like the age like 18 to 19 You know Huh, I went through this, you know joey. I went through this crazy stage about six months ago where I went crazy drinking Crazy ridiculous shit. Uh, I did I went to massage parlors for my first time and got whacked off

I like I just went I made myself do all this shit whack you off Huh, they whack you off. Oh, they fuck you if you want them to And we're talking like nice neighborhoods like fucking silver like that's like this nice place and you're like what no way Oh, yeah 150 180 dollars in and out you choose which girl you want. There's like a uh, you know madam or whatever they're called I don't even know what they're called Half of them still have like, you know, uh You know like with the tan lines where the rope blows when they were carried into this country I get too much anxiety you in the strip club when the chick bounces on my leg I get fucking anxiety

I just I can't even show me the pussy or not, but don't jump up and down On my leg playing fucking the Alfred Hitchcock. I don't like that You know what I'm saying? I gave you 20 bucks. Show me your snacks. That's it. I'll be happy. I don't want to touch it I don't want to do nothing. I'm a crack cat. I don't need to touch your pussy. You bite it Just show it to me. I don't you know dance and try to jerk me You know, you could come in your pants guys and your jeans. How disgusting is that? That's fucking horrible. Tell these women Don't do that to me though If you're gonna make me come take it out and wipe it with a towel or on your leg

Or swallow it, but don't fucking make me come in your gene You just come in your genes. You got to walk around with that humidity in your fucking pants It's like this humidity in your fucking pants and then you get in the car and you're on the 134 And you're like, let me go in there and see what kind of mess I got in there And you come out like with the spider web of cum On your hand and you're trying to drive and you got like a half a hook and the fucking thing And then it's leaked to your balls some of it leaks because like the yoke stays around your dick But the but the liquid sits and goes into your asshole not

Now you got your own cum and your own ass That always ends up bad, dog Sometimes you come and you lay there. I don't mind coming on my own stomach. You know what I'm saying? I feel I Sometimes I'll jerk off and just come to my stomach and lay there And you feel special you feel like fucking like I'm like a fucking king and shit Maybe a pigeon will come and lick it off my stomach

That'd be a dream for me like to whack off one day in the living room and just be laying there Nobody's around and have like a window open a pigeon just walks in Licks it and fucking flies away These are the this is what goes into my head this is What I don't I I can't I can't imagine whacking off And letting the cum come on your leg and then drips Down into your asshole and you gotta lay there and tell somebody a story Like you know I'm saying

What Just start off slow get an old lady. They have the softest hands and move You She still works here She puts on like stocks. She's got a wig on like I I would love to tear that bitch up It could be arranged just to smack her real hard. See the wig fly off. Remember I remember when gsp fought john fish and he knocked his Remember he hit john fish in the mouthpiece when I

Tell me how good would it be to smack a woman and see the wig fly off I need to tackle the bitch suck it bitch You can do that in grand theft auto by the way It's a joke. I wouldn't smack a bitch and make the wig fly off. I would tackle her like a football player And let the wig fly off not that's a big story this week Fucking a billion dollars in games grand theft almost in one day Can you imagine a movie coming out and making a billion dollars its first day? That's what he said. That's what lee said lego's the studios have to be looking at this shit

Because i'm billion fucking dollars and how much are they a piece guys 60 bucks break it down. How many of those? A bill now come on get your fucking iphone you fucking maggots. Let's see come on motherfuckers. I'm terrible at this shit I got no glasses so I can't do it Come on What do you want to know? What do you want to know how many fucking units was that okay a billion divided by 60 one billion divided by 60 It looks like the answer is approximately 1.66667 x 10 circumflex seven 1.6 million units 1.6

Million kids bought that today. What about the ones that stole it and made copies? They're all at their house right now jazzed up drinking fucking red bull and that fucking dragon juice See how many fucking kids are gonna get shot on monday at fucking school Watch see how many fucking kids are gonna get hit by a fucking car Saturday night tomorrow the biggest amount of hookers will be dead in this country Go online sunday morning pop the statistics. They'll be dirty hookers dead. How many cars will be stolen this fucking weekend So you think about that shit you think about that shit people that's real

Oh, it's 16 million because half of these fucking kids are gonna watch and go fuck it I'm gonna go rob a car shoot somebody something good's gonna happen on this, you know, so Me look at the fucking you ready for another one Oh So what's this right in front of his face? He's you're gonna put your ass in his face out of respect for the church Are you just gonna sit there? Kiss him on the Kiss him on the cheek your drink is bright and now you want to kiss somebody on the cheek. What is he the third fucking grade?

I See see I'm saying Do you see I'm saying they see this is the youth of today a kiss a kiss in the fucking cheek. That's what you get Who gives a fuck I'm 52 if I until you're 50 you got one foot the grave on a banana You Put that put that 50 year old asshole in his face and let it rip one good one I know you had some yogurt today or something Rip a fucking far. I think

No, so what we all can't listen everybody loves smelling somebody else's fart For a couple minutes. You ever like take it No, yes, you do we all do smelling other people's farts. Let's say right now If I go Brian, I'm I just farted you go ill That's it, but you're not gonna get up you're gonna take a whiff of it and then go. Oh my god, that's terrible Or I say, oh my god, it's terrible, but it turns you on a sensual way No I've had the hottest girls in the world fart and they still stink. I wait. I hate it. I don't want you like that

Don't you for real like you really like a little butt. You like what my face But I would love Like I would have if I had a woman Fart in my face I'd have like the chick from blue bloods the chick that was married to the quarterback in the new england patriots And then he dumped her for I put this way the guy from the wingland dumped her while she was fucking pregnant Yeah, whatever monohand and he dumped her for the brazilian chick now

There's not a man in this wolken room that wouldn't let the brazilian chick fart in your fucking fate, but What's her name? Adrienne from brazil She's a bunch of so bunch of half of these motherfuckers if she came in here because you can see she's got one of those Pussies in the head straight. Let's say this is this is she's got a goatee between her legs So she walked into the room and said excuse me. I want to frighten your face. You try to tell you what I'm gonna take my eye out because I don't want to miss this I want you to fart in my eye socket. That's how

Yeah, I'm gonna take my eye hold on the surgeon is on the way That's how hot his fucking wife is but he dumped monohand. I will let her fart in my face I'll tell you who I will let fart in my face even though she's old dian soya just to see Why Dian soya is a fine bitch She's just like 55. She'll suck your dick dian soya She will she's that's my girl Nobody calls me at 6 30. I will fucking go crazy on you. If you call me, especially when you're done

I could do susan summers that chick still I bet she's 80 fucking years. I don't care. I I bet she's still nice Oh, yes in a fucking heartbeat. Fuck. Yeah I would take miss obama with that but look I'm closing my eyes because I'm living it Like I'm living it. I'm living that big black ass and she's got like She's got like she's hippy Like that was tremendous next time I wear a helmet You know I would do her with you. Oh, this is obama. Oh guys. There's some there's something women

They sell about certain women you girls like oh, she's ugly It's about certain women that guys go crazy and it's not and they don't have to be an ugly It's something that you know, I had a friend that was a stripper and she goes I have the finest strippers at my club in the world But I have this girl that comes in it looks like a school girl and she wears a school Shirt skirt with no tits flat chested. She makes double what we make and she ain't even that good looking There's just some women that get you with the way they walk Something there's some women that hang about looks

Who's got that boobs? No, it's not the boobs either I think if a flat chested woman's kind of sexy in a way because you're like saying fucking You're telling me that even though your tits are small that pussy's ready to rock, you know what I'm saying When I see a chick that's flat chested and she wears no bra That bitch is telling me listen. I got little titties, but I'm like that guy with one hand You know like giving me the guy that's crippled that other hand is double strong I may have little tits But this pussy's gonna get you like gloria stefan in 79

The rhythm's gonna get you this You see a woman like that. So when I see a woman that's flat chested or small breasts It turns me on because this woman's telling me, you know what? I'm in hollywood where every woman has to have fake breasts and don't get me wrong I like that too, but I got little tits, but I'm throwing that type of heat I don't need big tits, but look at this ass. Look at this motherfucker. What I'm gonna do to you And I'm gonna back it up until your face and wiggle that And make those lips pop

You got it together Anyway, uh, so that that's it, you know, you really can't put your fucking hands on. Why about you? They're Tarzan. Look at the shape We're just gonna put you in your car and lay you down put the seat belt down Write a no for the cops I feel you bro. I I haven't ate yet. Are you gonna eat something? Mrs. Obama is something about her I mean listen guys and some people like what she's black I mean listen guys and some people like what she's black Name me one hot president's fucking wife that ugly fucking

Nancy Reagan, Nancy Reagan. Oh fuck. Yeah, she was kind of cute, but she was like small like ratty She was on pills and shit. You know what I'm saying, right? Was that uh, no, she was the one that started don't do drugs Don't do drugs, but then they do drugs anyway Who gives a fuck but Ms. Hope there's something about Ms. Hope like it's 2013 There's a lot of people get man. I got mad too when I seen that. I can't lie to you I'm there. I don't I see how I'm not fucking not calling it o'brien, but that's all another show dancing I lost my fucking mind. I'm like, that's a president's wife. She can't be doing that shit. Also. I'm like, wait a second It's 2013. Why not?

Who says the president's wife got live in the white house with that old ugly motherfucker? In that thing with secure badger being a woman you can't go out You're home every night with 40 guys around you with guns. You can't even yell when you fuck because You can't go You got a swat right there So get the hell that poor fucking lady you gotta think about mrs. Obama for a second So here she is high stepping. Did you see it with her little sneakers on and shit? And she's got little tits too. That's how you could tell that she don't give a fuck and she got those muscular arms

Let's be sure hold on to that bed You know it's which one if you had to choose obama or uh diane sware Obama What are you talking about? No I'll put me in the middle. That's a neapolitan. You know what I'm saying? Oh my god That's a double stuffed orio I always tell people it's a disgusting scene in the movie And I would never do it because I don't have those type of chops

There's guys that get away with his handsome guys that get away with it Benjamin bratt. Is that his name the spanish guy? Yeah Benjamin bratt in the movie named panero There's one scene where he's shooting heroin in both arms like this like a soldier He's shooting heroin in both arms. He's got two chicks sucking his dick That's success You have the car and a Porsche. Oh my god, I have a great family yet, but you've never done that Like jesus

That's a party What do you think lee you filthy fuck? I have no idea No, no, I I don't understand diane sware Listen, let me explain something I was talking to my cuban buddy over here before the thing And we were talking about men and women like we're talking. I'm a spanish dude

But I saw what my mother did To my stepfather My mother was a cuban woman with me and seal fucking wear you out To you know, you know, I love you to death, but And I always felt that latin woman would wear me to fuck out for some reason when I came to this country I want to be american so fucking bad that I liked white chicks Like the other day there was a movie that I liked the girl when I was a kid her name is diane rig She was in the avengers. She was an english dirty chick with fucking

Fucked up teeth like robin plant I've always liked white chicks Like I've always liked dirty white chicks from michigan indiana Ohio texas. They're too pretty Texas they're too cleaned up. I like them dirty But they might have like dirt on their heels and one of their toenails might be busted or something I'm saying like I like women from saugus michigan like shit like that diane sagan all scagon all

Skagon all right scagon all That whole thing sk cui bay city Is up there and those women are fucking dirty, but they're hot I was talking to I swear to god people and i'm no fucking brand pit. I mean i'm doing a trap I'm doing traverse city the festival of cherries All right, and the waitress is talking to me the way i'm talking to you guys and I swear to god I was there 10 minutes. I didn't say nothing pervertita

Or nothing and some guy was there talking to her And she goes you think I'd rather be here. I'd rather be at home taking it in the ass That catches your attention right there Even if she's a fucking mongoloid missing a leg You're like this chick rather be at home taking it in the ass. Wait a second. We got to talk to this fucking bitch But then I thought about where I was I was in michigan. There's some dirty bitches in michigan I got no play, you know, I got no game. I'm not red bad or the other guy. You're leaving What happened?

Well, here we are. Why you gotta take up leave her here. He's got to protect her man. She's gonna be fine Oh, she got to go. All right. Well, then what the fuck are you going? Let her go Let her go. Fuck it. It's her problem next time That's a spanish guy that's a romantic let me walk I'm gonna do somebody's gonna hit it with a fucking guitar You know, and I I love I love spanish. I love spanish. I'm cuban. It's gonna be I talk spanish I love going out and calling the fucking waiters primo. I love the whole latin experience Latin women. I love lat women. It's once you get to the bed with them it all fucking changes

Latin women don't fuck around, you know, I'm like tonight my wife goes to me. Where are you going? I gotta send the address. She goes you never told me But she didn't say nothing If I was married to Becky Cuban woman Becky would go where you going to the ice house You ain't going I gotta go there's a show you didn't tell me you gotta stay and you gotta start an argument with Fuck you. Fuck you. Where you going? Where you been all my life? Look at this

She's the prettiest girl in pasadena. That's my all-time favorite right there. Give a round of applause. Don't forget the temper either This girl don't work on fucking compliments. Give her a 10. Give her a 20. She got a date tonight. She told me Trying to push her the fucking she's a beautiful girl You oh She got her own date. She don't need us fix. She don't need match.com She's fucking she's a 12 and a half and you're a 12 and a half. You don't need match.com. Okay The match.com meets up Like these are the girls we have

And trust me, you're not black enough for The match the match.com You gotta be black It's nothing nothing. I don't get it. All right What are you something black people for I was no I was saying the waitress. I trust me you're not black enough for her No, the waitress And you I guess I don't fucking I don't know it's okay. I don't care. I'm so fucking high. It don't matter You've been so high nothing matters

You guys were great Your eyes look like two vaginas Look Right now as friends and family, what are you craving right now? What could you eat? Dude, I'm at the point where I'm I'm too high to be hungry like in 20 minutes in 20 minutes I'll be like I want some spicy chicken sandwiches from Wendy's but like Oh, I can't go there tonight. Yeah, we are. Yeah, that's after this 11 pretzel burger Fucking Wendy's that shit's the bomb. Oh my it's like baconator

But with pretzel bread and more kind of cheese to it. You know what happens to You don't want nothing like that so uh We're gonna wrap it up here Yeah, we got it. We got another fucking show tonight. My love. Yeah, we got death squad show tonight and you will come back and fart in his face I don't have time for this shit You're my 51. You're my 51 year old What happened

A queef he'll take a queef to the face. Oh That's wait That is not worse How do you think a queef is worse than a fart? I'm a little queef. I saw that south park episode in the park. What's that queef that comes out of your monkey? Yeah, why don't you take a queef over a fart from a stranger girl? Go, leave go Look at my face. I'll take anything. You know what I'm saying

When you look like me gonna take what Becky where you at? God damn it She's giving an A plus over a B minus relax. That's it. You talked enough for the night. Let's My balls itch, you know I got this rash. I can't fucking take care of it. I don't know what it is It's not really a rash like an itch like I have like And it's not in there. I looked at it with the mirror. There's nothing there I know a girl that has herpes in the audience over there

Some some girl in the corner. Yeah, that herpes. She immediately is like you're like, I got a little itch. It's herpes I know I know good for you. Good for you. That means you're getting out there. I love you What good is a pussy if you didn't get herpes at least one time You want to date a girl nothing what the fuck you didn't get crabs a little rash around your asshole nothing You ever go down on a girl and you film pop like bubbles like the little herp. No, that's disgusting I'll pop. What do you put space rocks in there? I have done that I put space rocks in the girls. It was her idea and bolder

Some fucking college girls put space rocks in my pussy fucking things starts popping and shit I've done that too. Yeah girls love that shit girls love all that crazy. Has any girl done that here before put put pop rocks in your pussy Don't do it. It's a you could get a yeast infection pretty easy that way But if you if you're a guy and you could trick a younger girl into doing it, totally try it Red band if a woman stands next to you, she might get a yeast infection. No, no, but you know Just if they stand next to you like I got a yeast I actually actually use monostat 72 masturbate now because I fucked a girl that got a yeast infection and she she's like, you know guys can carry yeast infections

And so like what am I supposed to do? And if you google it it says to put monostat on your dick and monostat's just a lotion So I just been using it to masturbate because it's like it's like healthy for you Let me ask you guys something you ever have like certain things that sounds worse like if you come to me and said, you know what Joey You're kind of cute I want to fuck your brains up, but I got syphilis Depending on what day it is and what mood in my heart. I'll fuck you. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. You go for a shot

But when somebody comes in and said they got yeast infection, you think oh fucked up shit. You're like, I don't know Yeast that's milk and eggs and yogurt Some about a yeast infection has always just given me like the But Thank you, especially when it comes out like mozzarella after sex Like the size of quarters. Have you ever seen a really bad one? What happened to this podcast? This is usually lee you wanted for another one more One more you ready

One more little bite pound for pound Me you and fucking red band will eat one more. I already had another one. What'd you eat? How many? I had One full guy. Let's see. Let's put this three ways Ready red band, let's do it Comedy show to do after this He'll call me tomorrow morning crying and shit. I can't believe you did this to me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you I'm happy you people came out tonight A lot of shit's going on people. I am really happy

You motherfuckers came out tonight. You guys are funny as fuck them You know man We gotta do these live pop because sometimes you just come up here and you just let the show dictate itself It's not like you don't see no fucking paper around here. Do you just say like no show on mbc? Oh my god Community is so funny. That's a fuck at least there they say cut and they do it again. This is us live This is the beauty of this. There ain't no directors here. There ain't no fucking pa saying that was hilarious It's you me red band the flying ju Edibles

And fucking balls. You understand me That's it. This is all this is and I can't believe in the beginning you guys got me going. I don't even know what the fuck you talked about Poopies I had subjected my head to talk about. Oh, yeah, like skinny women You know, sometimes I like to really address women because a lot of women go out I've been in places where women are like look at her. She's so beautiful And you know, they're bullshit. Now somebody else goes look at it. You know, how come she get like everybody's baffled about kim kardash Like I always hear how every woman's baffled like what the fuck happened. Well, she sucked a cock on fucking camera Okay, and she ran with it

It's not that she sucked a dick on camera. Don't be mad at somebody because they sucked a dick It's what she did afterward So next time you guys go out and suck some guys dick It's what you do afterward You understand me She fucking marketed she went on facebook. I sucked a dick tonight What did you do? Oh my god We went to a club and we're in vip. No, but you didn't suck a dick in market

I Stand online and suck a dick if you're not gonna market it I want you to think about that ladies before you judge because I don't like her either Shame my fucking type of savage with a little fat fucking. I don't like her. I like the sister young one the one that's always Winey, yeah That she's married to collar bosses Fucking scott that fucking mo mo Who like that guy at this age right now if I saw if I saw him and I've said this a thousand times

If I saw him and I was a little high and I had like an hour. I would try to talk him into sucking my dick Every time I see him I go, that's the guy That's the guy But if I wasn't I would just push him till you suck my dick, you know, like come on just try it one time It tastes good. I'm not gay. Yes, you are I didn't say you were gay, but I know you want to suck a dick You just confuse them like law and order, you know when they got you in that room And they just to the black guy and the white guys talking at you and you're like what what I wasn't there

The same thing you could do that at home too But you could do that for somebody just fucking I know some don't just suck it. They'll just tap out If you stop I'll suck your dick All right Seriously you gotta do that to people sometimes just fucking keep bounding them Like it's not abuse. It's torture, you know It's like league six months ago. He wouldn't even discuss taking a fart to the eyeball But I was persistent about a week ago. He looked at me goes, you know what at this point, I don't fucking candle

Look at the shape of you Right now if a girl came up there and farted he wouldn't know what to do He's just like we're given to the rape They just blast in his mouth and he run to the bathroom and get sick and cry like a virgin just cry Are you in a bondage or anything like that? Would you ever go to a bondage party or a sex party? Well, no, but I uh when you guys were talking about uh vibrators earlier My my girlfriend I like we just got one. I've never done that with a girl before and that's fucking I was worried it wasn't gonna be cool. It was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah

And when you stick do you smell it it's it's not one you stick in it's like a vibrator So it goes. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little finger one. Yeah. Do you sniff it after? No, I never said Well, I just go right out. Yeah Sniff it rubbing on your forehead Just machine gun just machine gun your little hindu guy Sniffing doesn't do anything for me, dude. I don't I don't get it. I don't get it No, so hold on. So if you sniff the girl's ass or pussy, don't do nothing for you the ass probably gross I mean, I like it but it's not like I'm not gonna go like

I'm not gonna go home and like smell something like if I look like the smell alone doesn't do anything So if right now if a girl came up there and we blindfolded you, yeah, and we laid you down and she opened up that little monkey and we put your nose there What did you did would you turn on? Yeah, but I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying I wouldn't like at home be like, oh, I can't wait to see like it's not something you think about it is nice But so you're sitting there. Yeah There's nothing on 11 35 You're bored to pieces. Okay, you go through the tv and all of a sudden it's like 10 second preview of some chick getting fucked in the ear You get jolted up and you take your dick out and all of a sudden the preview goes away. So now you're left there like

Like at the junior prom you got the limo and shit You're like, what am I gonna do? I'm like, oh fuck I go sniff the vibrator and they'll get the senses going And I can bang one out and that's when you get your hips involved on the fucking You make all those perverted faces then you come on your couch and you just leave it there. You're like, fuck it So that's what I'm saying. It's like you're sitting there going. I can't wait to get home to sniff the fucking vibrator That's what I'm talking about So it's like let me ask you this when you sniff a fucking McDonald's cheeseburger You go fucking nuts

You don't get the urge to jerk off you get the urge to eat that motherfucker like a savage, don't you? Yeah Okay, then same thing so don't be bullshitting me if I put a fucking girl's little Tainth right in your face right now. I'm blindfolded and just put your hands behind you Just keep whipping it by you're like a pendulum After like three minutes you'll be trying to bust out of that You'll be like one of those fucking I can't even say it. I can't even say it

So don't bullshit me. All right. That's why I love you Lee That's that's what makes the church such a great podcast. He's such a sweet guy And so vulnerable you have I wish guys that I take half the shit I say to him Sometimes I just get super high And I have nobody a torture and I call this poor guy But the best thing I ever witnessed like was the day we're driving to San Diego And I must have eaten a pound of edibles

And I'm down there driving cutting people off Just saying shit to Lee like Lee. I can't wait till you get this chick. We're gonna stab her And while she's bleeding out I'm gonna have a fart in your face The final he's looking at me like what are you talking about like no, that's disgusting No, the one the one that got me The one that got him was like oh these we're gonna do before she farts in your face No, wasn't that we're gonna have a suck your dick And then when you come in the mouth, you're gonna punch in the stomach real hard

She's gonna puke up the company. She's gonna snort it with a straw, right? He kept saying pull over I Keep going, but but pull over I'm getting sick. You've never done that. I like all the time. You always got Sometimes you punch in front you kick them real hard and they'll come right out They come a projectile out of that mouth Then you give them like a big bazooka straw like one of those straws from the chinese restaurant on the east coast You ever see those and you go for one of those? I don't even know what I'm talking about

I'm up to that So fucking hot so fuck this let me tell you what happened today I had a I had to work out 11 30 I had to go jujitsu and then At two o'clock I had a meeting So I couldn't go to jujitsu high because then if I can't breathe I have a heart attack, right? I go I have a stress test and I had these 200 milligrams chocolate mint Chocolate bars 35 calories perfect for a fat fuck, right?

So I'm like fucking I'm gonna eat one of those but I can't wait So I went to jujitsu when I got in while I was naked and the water was running I stuck the fucking candy bar in my mouth like a savage. Usually you eat edibles with clothes on I said fucking I'm eating this shit commando today, right? So I ate that one in the shower when I came out. I inhaled one of these motherfuckers So by 145 I already was in 275 milligrams Deep and I went on laurel canyon. That's That's fear factor, okay

Fuck you sucking some hindu's dick behind routes Let me see you go down laurel canyon with 275 fucking milligrams of thc Listen to fucking metallica Hey, hey, what's your life? Hey, come on man. You were no longer there Hey, hey, oh my god. I'm your lead make you real and I'm fucking fucking you are real. I can't play sad but true When that when that listen you think about it tonight when you go home tonight with one thing from uncle joey

Put the earphones on and put the beginning of that It has I'm gonna go I was fucking ready to kill somebody I love I'm like, I'm gonna run this motherfucker over and go right off the fucking cliff Like like like erosmith's daughter in the video. I'm not fucking I'm closed my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep. I was gonna take that motherfucker I swear to god. I was so fucking high and I went to chibo

Chiba and sunset you guys ever go to that place? Yeah It's like an organic place and I had the the misulized salad with the fucking Mama known as spaghetti only a half water because I'm watching fucking the weight, you know what I'm saying? And I inhaled that and that bounced me and that took some of the edge off And then I stayed virgin until about 715 I popped two of these and I popped them with him because I wanted to give you Motherfuckers a good show. You know what I'm saying? So I appreciate you guys came out tonight and made it happen Sad but true Any questions for red man hit him

Oh the banana breaded I mean, I've never that that put me right to sleep Like I had to go in the next room and lay there and collect my thoughts during a podcast He was talking to himself. Huh? He was in the hallway listening to him. I had the banana bread and he kept saying to himself How do I let Joey Diaz do this to me? And then he was taping people he was texting people don't eat Joey Diaz Don't eat Joey Diaz when he texts me. What the fuck is this motherfucker? Fuck you man. Fuck you. You fucked me up, man

I gotta lay down now. I gotta lay down Yeah, that shit was fucked up Have I seen the what? When he doesn't you see the devil? Oh, I don't see the devil. I see a lot of colors and stuff like that Yeah, I mean, yeah, I died on mushrooms recently and I scared the fuck out of me And I couldn't even walk was the first time where I couldn't even walk like I'd walk My legs aren't working. What the fuck like I've or like I've had mushrooms where I've seen so much shit But I've never had it where it just like I had to lay on the ground because I couldn't move

And I was puking a lot and uh It was horrible. I mean I I did like weird Buddha things where I'm staring at walls And I'm like what and then and then my friend that was also sure me she was able to come in And she's like, why are you posed like that? And I'm like, oh my god. I don't know I was I think I was just trying to relax and not die like that was definitely an overdose I like I took I got these mushrooms mushrooms from some russian chicks And they they were the first time where I ever saw them where they were like seriously huge like this Like what are they called?

Full cap like it was like like I've never they look fake and I'm like, oh my god I just ate a bunch of mushrooms So then I didn't know how to split it up and I was not thinking and so like I just like all right Well, we could just split this in half and then make tea and just not drink the whole thing And then so we made the tea and stuff and it wasn't that much or like shoot What do we do? So we just both drank it and then it it was probably I don't know how much now I can't remember but it was probably we both ate a quarter of mushrooms to uh, Like whatever the other next thing ounce

Yeah I I I want to get the vibrator and put it and sniff it Uh like a really attractive rich cougar Where's that 51 year old She left already she said fuck it we gotta go Oh, there she is. All right, there's my girl the cougar is still here the cougar has risen I gotta go any questions from my man lee I'm not gonna answer that question

That's gross I'm really fucking look at the fucking shape of them. How does he look lady? What does he need fucking instructions? Look at him. He's sitting there like this Look, it's my impersonation elite It's my little brother and you gotta do this term Listen, if you guys listen to the podcast our motto is you got to get outside your comfort zone from time to time He's gonna get in that car and the who's gonna be on or the b-52s or somebody's gonna change his fucking life forever I'll never forget. This is a true story. Then we got to get out of here

One of the best times I ever had was one night. Joe Rogan called me. We were at the commie store Can he call me up and he goes, hey, are you gonna be at the store tonight? I go. Yeah, he goes. I'm gonna be there You know, okay. I'll see you there So he comes in he's got this stupid fucking look on his face And about an hour later we're talking he goes and he looks at me and he goes The other night I had the best chocolate sundae I've ever had And I go, what are you talking about? Oh, it was a banana split and he goes I smoke pot

With eddie I got fucked up and I had a banana split and it was fucking tremendous You know what he went out of his comfort zone Sometimes you gotta go out of your comfort zone guys So that's why I give them some medibles and fuck them up And get them all fucked up in the mornings. I get a nice and stoned in the fucking mornings Listen, nobody wants to go on the 405 straight If you go on the 405 straight, I fucking hate your guts because There's only one way to go on that 405 and that's a little stoned and just take a chance right by support with a fucking

Zip into that hov and step on it motherfucker. Even if you're by yourself as soon as you have motorcycle cop, just cut him off Do what I do cut that motherfucker off and get into lane number three. He's done. He was fucked. I ain't going back All right Look at you. So I'm happy you motherfuckers came out. We're gonna be outside smoking dope and having a good time here Thank you very much for coming out today. Thank red band one more time And the flying jute