Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #08

Episode Date: November 1, 2013

Ari Shaffir joins Lee and Joey for a crazy live podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Recorded live on 10/30/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey. That's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. What's up guys? I fucking gave me a gummy already so I'm not going to spend too much time up here. Thank you for coming. The Red Sox just won the World Series so hey you guys made it to the playoffs.

That's not nice. Anyways, well thank you. We're here for the podcast. We do it once a month. It's really awesome that you guys come. We have a great guest again for you. Ari Shafir is in the house. But I'm going to bring up the guy who I do the podcast with at the church of what's happening now. Here he is, Joey Diaz. One more time, my little brother Mr. Lee Syac. All fucking happy. You know, I don't hate on nobody. I don't hate on the Boston Red Sox, but with the Boston Red Sox won, you know, you're going to hear a lot of shit. You know what I'm saying? Like you're going to hear a lot of all with the red. You're going to hear just a fucking ear beating. And I'm happy they won. And I'm like, Lee, Lee like sleeps with the Boston Red Sox

pajamas. He's got the socks. He's got a picture of David Ortiz on his wall. I give him a little 30 milligram edible. He's actually eating it. I'm like, if you weren't Boston, bitch, what would you be doing right now? Would you be saying, I can't eat this? No, you probably have a beer. You'll be all fucked up right now jumping up and down with your little fucking buddies in Boston on the street. This is for the victims. Whatever the fuck you be saying, right or wrong, right or fucking wrong, cock sucker. And now you're complaining over a little fucking little gorilla biscuit, huh? Get it together. I know you're 25 and you're half a momo, but it's time for you to break out. I love you, cock sucker. No more of this complaining shit. When you either think there's

a black kid in Africa right now with flies on it, right? Saying to himself, I hope I had a fucking chibo chew. I wish I had a chibo chew, fuck a pork chop. I don't need a pork chop. If I'm gonna die, I want to die high like a motherfucker. You know, you ask a fucking kid next time you send three dollars, I send you the picture, send that little black kid an email and go, what would you rather have a fucking pork chop or a chibo chew, cock sucker? And with blood from the fly, he just backed on the fucking email screen. He'll send you back a fucking chibo chew. You understand me? I'm a little agitated. I'm coming off testosterone. Fuck that shit. You know what, man? Let me tell you something. We've become a country of fucking suckers

and I got caught up in that sucky shit. One of my friends of the year 50, do testosterone, go to a doctor, get a blood test. You know what testosterone is for? For fucking people, one of them is less fucking people. That's what it's for. If you want to molest people, that's what it's for. I got horny as a motherfucker on that testosterone. I would drive past massage parlors and pull over and creep all fucking slowly and shit. Because my friend told me he got his dick sucked out of a massage parlor with saran wrap. That's surreal, but fucking interesting. You understand me? That's surreal shit. Somebody says, I got my dick sucked with saran wrap on it. You got to go home and think about this. I even went home and put it on my

dick just to see how it looked. Just to see I had some in the kitchen. Fuck it. And then I started thinking about it. Who the fuck sucks your dick with saran wrap? Who's got saran wrap in their pocket? You understand me? So it came to me. I tell you what happened. She went to work this fucking little stripper or whatever the fuck she is, this little massages blowjob chick. She went with a box of condoms and a sandwich. And she goes, fuck it. I'll bring some saran wrap because I'm going to die. I'm only going to eat half the sandwich. And I'll put the other half away in my purse. But in walked fucking, she had a good night. She sucked all the fucking condoms. And then the guy came in, all puppy-eyed. I wanted my dick sucked. She's like, I'm out of condoms.

And all of a sudden she remembered, oops. I don't eat my sandwich yet. I could suck your dick with the saran wrap. So that's what happened. You understand me? So sometimes you got to bring saran wrap with you. But that fucking shit, that's all it did to me. All you recover faster. All you'll be stronger. You'll feel good about you. That's all it is. You know what the fuck? I thought about it for the last year. I've been off it for like five weeks and I feel just as good as I did before I went on that dumb shit. And I'll tell you what the fuck it is. We become a country that we don't want to work no more. We don't want to do none. I might be a fat fuck, but I walk around. I go to YMCA. I try some yoga from time to time. I'll skip out on a fucking dessert.

That's work. That's fucking work, okay? When you smoke pot, listen. When you're a skinny fucking dude or a fat fucking dude and you don't smoke dope and you eat a strawberry shortcake, shame on you, okay? Shame on you. But if you're a fat dude and you smoke dope, you motherfuckers that whip me on this one. I'm not even with me. That's how high I am right now. Sometimes you know when you're talking like I'm not with me right now. I got to step out of this fucking high zone and shit. But it's fucked up. That's all it was. We don't want to do the work no more. So we go to the doctor once we get a shot. And I started looking around this doctor's office. You know what it was? It was a bunch of Jews, old motherfuckers that were yoked with wigs on

because they lost their hair from shooting that shit every fucking week. So now they're built and they got yoked and they got a hard on. That's all it's for, bro. Because God forbid white men don't have a fucking hard on. And I'm not talking about you people, you nice white people from Pasadena, whatever the fuck you're from. I'm talking about those old white guys that run the country when they're 90, they still want to be fucking. Have you seen the grandfather Bush lately? Not the president Bush and his fucking son, but the grandpa, whatever. Have you seen how retarded he is? He's such a fucking horny motherfucker. They got restraints on that motherfucker in his wheelchair. He's always all smiling and shit. They took him to a Hooters

contest one day. You should have seen him. He's all retarded. I'm the president, bitch. No, you ain't. You're an old dirty motherfucker on testosterone. You're losing your hair. He was doing so much. They just shaved his fucking head. They just shaved his fucking head like the head said, fuck it. I'm done. You don't even think about me no more. That's all it did. It made you want to fuck. That's all I was all day. I'd be fucking horny. I jerk off in the morning at night. And my wife just had a baby. I can't fuck it. You can't do it. You give her a stab in once a month, but she's got out of the hospital. I can't fuck her world up again. That pussy's in recovery. You understand me? It can handle Uncle Joey, but not 80 times a day a dude on fucking testosterone.

You know what I'm saying? So I kicked the habit. Fuck it. I'm back on protein powder from GNC. You don't need that shit, dawg. And then you know what? All it is is to get us back on the monkey fuck. We're becoming a bunch of sheep, bro. So our kids are getting bullied, but old people taking testosterone. Why don't you take these faggot kids and give them testosterone and fucking push the fucking cycle so they won't get fucking bullied no more? That's what you need to fucking do. You understand me? Fucking idiots. And don't, don't be a part. That's all we're doing, bro. We're becoming a country of fucking sheep. Listen, when I was growing up, for a woman to get a tattoo, you know how many dicks she had to suck? For a woman to earn the status to get like a tattoo.

Like when I was 10 or 12 or 15, if a chick had a tattoo, I was getting that pussy. It didn't matter. That meant I could rape the bitch. She wouldn't even holler. She'd let me rip her clothes off and come in a pussy and smack her and wouldn't call the cops because the bitch had a tattoo. That's how it worked. You understand? I'm not insulting nobody. I'm just dropping some fucking history for you, right? For a woman to get a tattoo, you had to fuck the whole block, suck every dick, swallow it and have them all kick you in the stomach and spit the come out and then suck it back with a fucking straw. And then maybe you could put in a fucking tattoo on. Go to the farmer's market on Laurel Canyon on Sunday. See what the fuck you see? A bunch of moms

with kids with fucking their arms like Hell's Angels or Sons of Anarchy. These bitches never even gave a fucking handjob behind a church like a decent fucking woman. You can see that they're all a bunch of fucking cunts that won't even blow their husbands. Their husbands are pushing their carrots like a fucking Momo. And they're like, look at me with a cut off sleeper and I want to go up to them and smack them in the fucking face. Suck my dick, bitch. Earn that tattoo. Do some push-ups. Lick my asshole. That's what it meant. If a chick had a tattoo, she was definitely going to lick your asshole. There was no like, no, I didn't floss today. There was none of that shit. You lick it even with a sandwich in your mouth. Give me that fucking asshole. I need some condiment

in my sandwich then. Sorry about that shit. I got emotional and shit. It must be the protein powder, you know what I'm saying? I'm all fucked up. But anyway, thank you very much for coming out here and being a part of the live podcast. We do this every month and we're very lucky to have a great, you know, a bunch of people with us. And I want to thank you, motherfuckers. I know it's the night before Halloween. You don't need this shit. Let me tell you another story. All right, motherfuckers, while I'm here, because I know a lot of you guys are young. There's just a couple of older gentlemen like myself here, because I'm an old faggot. But let me tell you some stories. And you can call me an old faggot. I won't get mad at you. That's just the way it is. You guys

are young. Let me tell you, you know what you did tonight? You know what I would, like I'm 50 now. But you know what I was doing tonight when I was 15? You know what was on my mind? Not watching some fact comedian and two Jews do a podcast. That was the last thing on my fucking mind. Tonight is devil's night. Do you understand me? You know what fucking devil's night is? That somebody's getting killed from the neighborhood. Like if you didn't like that, motherfucker, tonight you all got together. What do you think tonight's the night? And you didn't kill them like stab them or sacrifice them. You just did something like you, I don't know, lit his house on fire. You just did something. But you did all these things. Like you got a

dozen eggs. I'll never forget this. In New York City, we get a dozen eggs and we take a needle and you pop the fucking eggs. And then you put that under your bed and that shit stinks. When those eggs get that air in them, 10, 12 fucking days, you have no fucking deer. When you throw that egg at somebody and it opens up and hits them, oh my fucking God. It just smells bad. Like you can't get that ass off you for weeks. And we throw the eggs at Hasidic Jews. That's who, that's who the eggs were targeted for. The stinkies. Because when you hit a stinky, one of those fucking Iranian bombs, they're all confused. Then they start smelling like a fucking Iranian. They don't know what the fuck's going on. Like, ah, they don't know what the

fuck's going on. But that was just the beginning. Then you got fucking socks and you filled them with flour. You got rocks and you just did a thousand things. And as a night, you didn't get high. There was no high. That's a pussy's getting high on devil's night. You did this in full fucking concourse here. The only snorted coke on the crow. Remember the crow on devil's night? That was devil's night. You let businesses on fire. You raped the chicken, put a tattoo on her shoulder. So I'm just letting you know how much of a pussy you motherfuckers are. It's 15 years ago, we'll be out fucking some motherfuckers up. And we'd be gamer throwing this motherfucker up here in Pasadena. Hitting people, throwing shit at cops. And we fuck cops

up too. We give them flat tires. Oh yeah. We didn't fuck around. We're the real deal. Fuck it. But I'm happy whatever people came out to let. Let's give a round of applause to my co-host, one of the baddest working motherfuckers in the land. Mr. Lee Syat. What's happening, Lee Lee? You and I had completely different childhoods. I know. What the fuck would you do on devil's night? Let me see. What the fuck was it? It wasn't a big deal. I don't even know. I've heard about it, but they never did that. We would be mapping out our roots to my parents. My mom's a Jew. She would take us to the next town over because we lived in a nicer town where it was house and acre, house and acre. The town over had duplexes.

And she brought us there and they were right next to each other. So we would just go up and down. We had to change pillowcases. We were getting ready for that. Devils. I've never done devil's night. Oh Jesus Christ. Why do you hate happiness? He hates happiness. Who's going to hate on fucking getting... Who the fuck gets ready for Halloween the night before? Who ties fucking blankets together? What type of fruitcake are you? When you're nine years old, yeah. No fucking nine years old. When I was nine years old, I didn't even have a fucking pumpkin. I had a shoebox I went out with. Fuck it with a face on it. I put like a knife in there or something and you rang fucking people's doorbell and they better have candy and pennies in that motherfucker.

Because it wasn't about candy. You had to come home with like 10 or 20 dollars. And whoever just gave you candies, you just looked at and you were going to come back and fuck with their house throughout the year. Like that's the way. If they didn't give you pennies or a couple dollars, you got this shit this year. Wait till it snows, motherfucker. We're going to cover your house with dog shit and everything. And that's what happened. You went to your fucking neighborhood because you kind of did like let motherfuckers know that this year you ain't no Peter Pan no more. You outgrew Peter Pan. You're fucking the hook now and you're slinging dick like a motherfucker. You didn't do that. See, you prepare? Let's go out and be a ghost. Who wants to be a fucking

ghost? Okay? You want to go out there and knock on people trick or treat, motherfucker? It's you, Coco. Yeah, it's me, motherfucker. What do you got? You know, and they look around like they better have. I don't want no little candy bar. What am I? I'm Weight Watchers. It's Halloween, motherfucker. I want to go to the dentist next Tuesday. Put that fucking hundred thousand dollar bar. Both pieces in that motherfucker and put some pennies in there and put an apple in there too. I might want to be in a mood for an apple lady. You know how I roll? It's getting cold out here in fucking Jersey. Wait, the pennies were for what was it called? It was a little box. You're supposed to give it to like African kids. What fucking box? What African kids? Where'd you grow up?

No, they had UNICEF. It's called UNICEF. You go around and you collect pennies. That's not what you do. What are you talking about pennies? They would just give you money? Yeah, they give you like in the fucking mix of peanuts and chalk that they throw $18 of pennies and they mix it up and in the handful they gave you fucking pennies. What UNICEF are you talking about? Did no one else my age have it? There was a little orange box and you would get money and listen. I did all that shit. I did all that. I took donations all the time. For who? Taking donations, taking donations and sending it is two different situations. Yeah, we sent it. You know how much I owe the American Heart money at least a million dollars

from those fucking walkathons. Fuck you. I did the walk and I got to give you the fucking money. You know what I'm saying? I walked 30 miles. I got to give you everything. Fuck you. Let me just, I'll decide what I'll give you at the end of the fucking walk. Okay. I'm going to walk 30 fucking miles and you know, these motherfuckers give you a dollar a mile and I got to give them the whole dollar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll give you like a quarter of a fucking mile. I'm keeping 75 cents. We think pay for these sneakers. The American Heart Association. Get your shit together, cocksucker. I robbed them. I robbed St. Michael's CYO. I still own chocolate. I don't give a fuck. Fuck those bitches. I own chocolate and fucking stickers. Fuck those hoes.

I owe my high school millions of dollars. I even robbed the scales. You know what I'm saying? See, you guys don't remember. You get in Latin fucking biology class. Once it became, what's after biology? Chemistry. After you dissect the frog and shit. What do you think they have through triple beam scales? You had to sell boxes and magazines to get the scales. I would sell the scale. I would sell the magazines, pocket half the money. Fuck you in your magazines. You ain't getting dick anyway. And then after they got the scales, I'd steal the fucking scale and sell them for wholesale. You see what I'm saying? That's a real fucking Jew where I come from. All right? Why be a yarmulke if you're going to walk around and shake hands and dress up like a fucking ghost

for? What the fuck do you need a yarmulke for? Where in the fucking yarmulke means you could steal with three fucking hands? That's what that means. Fuck being a gangster. Fuck who needs to be a gangster when you're a fucking Jew? Jews are so bad. They don't even carry guns. You understand me? They just got a yarmulke. I want you to see the yarmulke. You're like, fuck it. He glows in the dark. He glows in the dark? Sure. I don't know. I'm fucking high. It's an expression. You know what I'm saying? You had to get me fired up with this fucking nine-year-old. The night before, we planned together. Who gives a fuck? And you planned your roots? What the fuck root? What are you, Columbus? What root are you planning? You're going around the corner, you fuck. What root?

What 15-year-old is raping a girl and letting her father's business on fire? We didn't rape her. We just felt her up and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? I remember when I was about 11, maybe 12, I went to this New York Metz fact. The New York Metz played the, I'll never forget this. I told this on meeting the Beast one time Felicia's face was red. I never even told this story to the podcast. Ari, I love this one. I'm about 12. I may have hair on my dick. I may have sucked a tit at that time. I may have fingered something. No, no, no. I didn't even fingered somebody. I didn't feel a tit. That's why I got all fucked up. And I went to, because sometimes if you don't feel a tit and you feel a tit and you're at that age

when you got hair on your dick, you just snap like a twig. You just fucking snap. And there ain't no stopping. That's when rapes happen right there. But something fucking controls you. It's church, something. And we went to, and it was the New York Metz, like John Matlack and a couple players, and they played my high school faculty. And I'll never forget this. After the fucking thing, there was just two girls walking. And my one friend, they were like, that girl's a whore. You know, because in Jersey, you're not a whore. You're a whore. And all of a sudden, it was like, we were all in the sixth grade and we started swarming. I'm just feeling her titties. It was terrible. We were like dogs, you know, like dogs. When you see them out in the jungle, like they

all fucking, and nobody fucked her or threw her down or pulled her hair in that. We weren't even that perverted at that age. We were just squeezed and she was like, ah, ah, ah. And we were just, and I remember my dick was so hard, I couldn't even walk home. Like that's how hard my dick was. At that age, I was walking all funny. Like I was dragging a soldier. You know, like when, like when you're running to the helicopter, you walk with a limp and shit. You just got shot in the leg. That's how I was, right? And I remember I got home and I tried jerking off and I couldn't understand what I was doing. Like that, that's, I knew I wanted to beat my dick, but I didn't know what, like I was hitting it and shit and bang. You know, I was hitting it with a shoe. I didn't know.

I never told nobody this, but fuck it. It's Wednesday night and it's devil's night. You know what I'm saying? What's the weirdest thing you did to your dick, Lee? Tell me the truth. Well, before I like really started jacking off, what I would do is like you would lie down on your stomach and like your seat sheets were soft. So like when I was young, I was just like rub, like I didn't even know what jacking off was. But I have like these vivid memories of like these sheets that were soft and they had the Batmobile like blueprints or whatever. I was a little, I was a little kid. I was a little kid. You see I'm dealing with people. You think I got fucked? This guy fucked the Batmobile.

And you guys think I got fucking proms. And he put it right in the little muffler with a hot fucking memory tastes off. You're a dirty little motherfucker. You know that? That's why I love you. So you like, you didn't like, I remember the first time you didn't even jerk off. You didn't know what you were doing, but you were on your stomach, watching like cartoons. That's what I'm saying. And you were eating cereal. And somewhere the sugar one right to your dick. And all of a sudden got a little hard. And all of a sudden you were kind of, you had like a shag carpet. So you don't have shag carpet no more. That's got that flat shit. Shag carpeting. If you close your eyes and you know what you're doing, it could be a black chick's pussy. Like it

could. It could like, like the thick black shag carpeting from the 70s. The one they had in boogie night, like that shit. If you lay on it and close your eyes and put superfly on or something and just move your hips, you'll think you're fucking a black chick. You're like, ah, this chick is badass. Where's Barry White? But that's the first thing. I think I fucked the carpet. Like, yeah, I fucked my bed. Yeah, you fucked the bed. No, no, no, no, wrong one. Anyway, talking about fucking beds and carpeting, why not let the cavalry come in here? Our guest tonight is one of my fucking brothers, one of my favorite people in LA. If this kid wasn't an LA, I'd die. Give him some love, Mr. Ari Shafir. Ari Shafir, you ever celebrate devil's night,

or are you too young for that also? Yeah, I just, I went sugar treating a couple times until fourth grade. We got religious and we weren't allowed to do Halloween anymore. I didn't know Sid Extin did that. I know why. No, it's fucking devil. We don't worship that. I got to a new school where we're supposed to be religious. And the teacher was asked, it was like first day, teachers asked about some holiday in October. Does anyone know what it is? And I was like, yeah, I do Halloween. And she was like, no Columbus Day, but we don't celebrate Halloween. And I was like, what? I never understood that. How like next to me in North Bergen, New Jersey, live Kathy Ortiz. And she was a Jehovah Witness. And I had never really, you know,

she was a great kid. I know her father or the family was great. They just couldn't like stand up for the flag, right? They can't salute the flag. When you do the Statue of Liberty in the beginning, whatever the fuck, Statue of Liberty, whatever you do, whatever the beginning, right, you can't, she couldn't, she didn't celebrate Christmas holidays. And I've understood what kind of fucking religion wouldn't let you celebrate just kind of what the masses are doing. Like, how do you feel on the third of fucking January? You know what I'm saying? Like people are talking about, I got shoes. I got sneakers. What'd you get? A book. I got a fucking doorknob. I don't know what the fuck I got. You know, that always fucked me up. Like today I was watching KTLA

News, because you know me, I want to see where the fucking traffic is at. And they were talking about a school in Orange County who stopped tweaking, stopped working, working, working. Did you see that this morning? They had a fucking list of shit. You know, you can't grab each other's arms, you know, at school. And they made the news 10 years ago because they wouldn't let you freak on the thing. Like, I guess you can't. Yeah, they were talking about the principal there, but this school is well known for like telling people what they can't, you can't touch their arm at a dance. You know, you can't put your arms on their waist. No, it's a public school, but they don't want no twerking. Whatever Miley Cyrus did.

Twerking is pretty intense. Well, I don't even know what a fucking twerk is. That's how old I am. I don't even know what the fuck, but she twerk, but she don't have an ass. So it's not a twerk. Did you see her twerking that night? That thing she did when she gyrated? I felt bad for her. Like first of all, listen, it's perverted to ever even think about fucking Miley Cyrus. If you ever even think about fucking Miley Cyrus, you got problems. I even think about it. That's a marriage. Like I love that show. I love that stupid show, the one she has a little girl. What's that dumb shit? Hannah Montana? Yeah, that's my show. I would stop and fucking watch it. All right. And I didn't give a fuck. And now I see it. Nobody's ever thought of fucking Miley

Cyrus. You can't, you know, and then I saw her twerking with that outfit because people posted the pictures and her pussy's like this big. Did you see how little hips are sticking out? She has no fucking ass. That girl's a little fucking girl. Who would want to fuck that thing? You know what I'm saying? I mean, I'm like an uncle. I can't fuck that little thing. But it's amazing that she invented the dance. I don't even know if she invented it, people, please. She invented it. Black people invented it. Blame black people for fucking everything. Right away, the blacks fucking invented twerking. Can you believe that shit? But it's just amazing that when I was fucking dancing in school, I didn't fucking stop you.

We were grabbing your tit. It was, you know, giving you a hickey and the fucking neck. You know, remember, you would dry hump a motherfucker. You know how to dry hump while you were standing up? You sank your knees into them and shit. And you would get off. Can you imagine that shit? You would get off from rubbing your fucking dick on some girl's pants when you were 12 and 13 and you shoot like a little load in there. And you get pale for a little while. Like your blood sugar went down. Like when you came, when you were 13 and 14, it was different from coming now. Now you just come and go, ah, you fucking lay there. But when you were 14, that shit took you to a different level.

It took all your energy out of you. Yeah. Like you got dizzy and shit. You started questioning religion. You're like, I don't know if this is going to work out. That's called proteage. It's a sexual dysfunction. Is that what it is? Rubbing up against somebody. Yeah, he's doing the bus in Israel when it was real crowded. When there's no crowd, you're standing up and you can just let, you just pretend like, oh, it's too crowded. And then you just put it right up against somebody's ass. You just put it up there. And then when, if they look back, you go, oh, so crowded. You don't know about that? No, I heard that. But I learned new shit every day. Listen,

I love pussy and I love assholes and titties and, you know, sucking women's asses. I love all that shit, but it's gone a little bit too far from that. Like it just started with sucking you, what if I'm just sucking your anthos and squeezing your tits from underneath real hard, you know what I'm saying? Just sucking that ass. That's it. That's as deep as I want to go. You follow me? Red Band was telling me that there's fucking massage parlors that you pay the chick to take a nap with the motherfucker. Take a nap with her? Why would I fucking pay a masseuse to take a fucking nap with me? And maybe some people in here pay the chick to take a nap with you. If I'm paying you, it's to suck my dick. That's it. I don't want to nap with nobody. You know what

I'm saying? That's just me. Why would you want to nap with some fucking? You didn't see that. Vice did this whole big thing on their website and Japan, everyone's working too much so they don't like want to date, but they have little parlors. You can go to like a whore or you could go to like the one, there's a cuddling one and then there's, there's a bar for boys and girls where they'll go in and pay to have like, like you're on a date boyfriend sort of thing. But it was weird. Like the cuddling one was fucking weird. You knew human contact that bad? It's been that long? It wasn't always contact. It was like, they were sitting in like these, like you know in movies

where they have like the like, and taken where they had the girls lined up as whores, they had like little rooms, well they built that and like the basement of a Japanese business had little like fucking like the doctor's beds, like really tiny beds and they would just cuddle. Like in the video there was a big white guy but they were just like lying next to each other. They weren't even like spooning. I don't want to cuddle with nobody. I don't understand that. Especially if you got to pay somebody a cuddle. Listen, let me tell you something. I'm an ugly dude and I've been in rough situations. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I sling dick with three hands. I've had some fucking, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've had some dry spells in 85. I want 11 months without a piece

of pussy. I almost raped a bitch but I'm Catholic in this family. You know you go on dry spells and I was 23 fucking years old. You go on dry spells and you know what man, I thought of a lot of fucking things. It would fucking destroy me to give a woman like one time I went and it wasn't a prostitute situation. It was a hookah house and I went and I let her suck my dick. I let her get on top of me and bounce a couple times but I felt so fucking bad about that. When you're 17, 18 and somebody sucks your dick, you tell everybody. You didn't even tell your mother if she let you. You go home, you're not going to believe it. I picked up this chick. I fucked her just like you taught me. You know whatever. I didn't tell nobody. Like I never understood how somebody could pay

somebody for sex. Like I never understood the whole thing. And guys, we all have different fucking things we're into. I'm not here to judge them. Do you not understand how the economy works or do you not understand? Listen, but you're telling somebody who did coke for 30 years. If it was between a woman, I would get a bag of coke and go home by myself and jerk off. So that's me. So I don't really know how the other side lives. So I don't really know a lot about sex shit because I never, like I dated this girl that told me a story that she dated a guy in college that paid her rent, her bills and everything and she had to suck his dick once a week and fuck him. A sugar daddy or some shit like that. The guy looked like he got hit with a stick with nails

in a thousand fucking times, but he paid the whole tuition, the whole thing. And that's all he wanted. And I never, till this day, I can never understand that. And I'd ask her, you just have to date him. She goes, no, I fucked other guys and he knew it. In fact, he wanted me to tell him the stories. He would pay me more. I was watching a commercial tonight for a movie with who's the good looking guy, Magic Mike. What's his name? No, the other one. Matthew McConaughey. He just did a movie with Jennifer Gardner, right? And I seen a picture of Jennifer Gardner put her head on his shoulder. And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck has been athlete thinking? Because even as an actor, you get your fucking head off that bitch's shoulder, bitch, that greasy motherfucker,

McConaughey. He don't put deodorant on. I don't want to touch him, my fucking wife. You know what I'm saying? So I can't even imagine like I'm so fucking insecure. I can't imagine. I don't know. I could never you. I mean, any of you guys, I mean, like sharing my bitch with fucking some guy on a weekend. Like I fuck her from Sunday to fucking Thursday. And on Friday, she shakes my hand and goes, oops, I got to go fuck the dentist this weekend. And I'll be back Sunday. Yeah, I don't care. Marriage like that. That's fine. You had what? Do whatever you want. Yeah, I don't care about that stuff. I don't mind if I'm not there, fuck whoever you want. You want a gummy bear?

I already had that quad dose thing. Let's eat a gummy bear. That was twice as much as let's eat a gummy bear. It's fucking nine o'clock. We're family here. Let's eat a gummy bear. What the fuck? I already had the quad dose thing. So what's up? Wait, let me ask you a question. What? When you go to Dan Tamiz and they give you the shrimp cocktail, you stop there? No, I keep going. Not right then. Then what the fuck? You see how I attack that shit? But that first one hasn't kicked in yet. That was like 30 minutes ago. This one's accelerating. What? I want it accelerated. You want to catch up to Lee. Lee's gonna get that. No, I'm not. He won't even know yet. It was an hour ago. It hasn't kicked in yet. I'll have half of that. I'll have half of that. Lee will split it. No, I

will not. Yeah, Lee will split it. I just had a half. It's red. It's red. Lee, let's eat it. Let's eat it like ladies and gentlemen. This is red for the Red Sox. God, suck it. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Okay, I was just testing you. I was never gonna do that. Oh, I'm done. I'm done. I only had half. I eat him to give him half. That's it. Look at him. He's pulling like a fucking clip. Look at him. Eat that motherfucker. Eat it. Eat Lee, Lee, Lee. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Eat the fucking thing. I'm gonna get fired tonight. You're gonna get fired. So what? The Boston Red Sox won.

Don't panic now. You're done. Don't panic. It's over. We're here. I was at the perfect amount of high and I was thinking like, cool, I'm high enough, but it's not going to be where I'm sitting in the parking lot for now. And the cheap boat you guys on his way. So don't worry about nothing. You're covered. You're not even gonna see. You're not even gonna remember driving on the 134 today. You're just gonna go to Santa Monica. You're just gonna pick up the fucking shuttle and go fly right right to the fuck. I'll drive you to work. I got nothing in the morning. I'll drive you. I'll drive you. What the fuck? How do you get home? Can you take cab home? Where do you live? No, I have to go. I have to go. I work nights and TV stuff. So work. Yeah, I know. It

sucks. Two more weeks. What was how old? What was the last? What was the last? You know what I thought of? What did you fucking when you were saying that about the shag carpet? Not only did I do that all the time, but I would do this thing where I would put my your dick up towards your lion or stomach, but put your dick up towards your chest and then just kind of hump the bed, but with the sports illustrated swimsuit issue right open in front of you. So you could look at that and then you just push it in and it would like, it would like rub and then you came into the sheets slept right on top of it. Just fell asleep right there. I have disgusting friends, you know that paper? Because you don't have to do the laundry anyway.

Oh, my mom probably knew. She probably felt it. He felt a crusty spot. I was like, oh, I guess so much. I never checked off in bed when I was that age. I always go to the bathroom. I had this old playmate counter under the carpeting. And it was fucked up. I had it for like three years. And it didn't even just go to the cum. It was I would take long showers and the heat and the shower would crumple the motherfucker. There was no pussy left. There was nothing left. I was just going through memory. I would have to like erase the pussy to with a pencil. You ever do that shit? If you go home tonight, right? This is how retarded I was. You go home. You don't you don't even need a naked magazine.

Even if you see a chick with a bikini, just take the eraser and erase the pussy off, right? And you can draw your own little pussy right there, right? This is what you learn when you become an only child, people. This is so I never whacked off in a bed. I'm not like that. I told later on, then years later when I get coped up and I couldn't go to the bathroom and you just whack off cappuccino in your hand like right now. And you just hold it in there for a couple minutes and I'm on circumcise. So what I would do is come, but I'd hold the top of it and it fills in like a serpent. You know what I'm saying? And I'll just hold it for a couple of minutes.

I'll call my friends. I'll do that from time to time. And then you let it go later. And then you let it go later. It just sits in there and fucking regenerates. Whatever the fuck. It's devil's night. What do you guys want? Lies? You guys made it out tonight. I want to give you a fucking show. You know, we're not going to talk about fucking dumb shit. We're going to talk about, you know, we can talk about a lot of dumb shit today. Like I know today was like a weird day in America. The fucking computer broke down for the insurance. So the chick was in Washington. And you know, why the fuck are we even dealing with insurance with this government for? Oh my God. This is going to be a fucking shit storm. And you know, it's me and Diane Sawyer. I don't give a

fuck. I got insurance, man. This is going to get bad. So I have to get insurance now? I had to. Well, how much do I have to pay if I don't bother? 5,000 for being lazy? Hey, it's going to give me a job. Who? I work for a three-night job. So it gets you a job? It doesn't give me a job.

Oh, so I got to pay this bitch? I'm happy that we get a little crazy here tonight, people. I mean, I consider you motherfuckers family. But it's really weird to see when you hold the end of your dick and it fills up with coming. You're looking, you're like, do I have a snake? It just fills up like, what's that snake that attacks you? Like, like, it moves around folded like that. It's disgusting, but I didn't, I'm sure I didn't invent it. You know what I'm saying? I'm just a part of my society here. What? What? Didn't you live right by like a whorehouse? Wasn't Schrader, wasn't there one like right by there?

No, not that I know of. Doug, I don't have... Or maybe it was the gardener place? I have the heart to do a lot of things, people, but I don't have the heart to go to like a fucking, you know, it's like a wild fantasy for me that I don't have. Like, I couldn't imagine going to one of those places because I would fold under pressure. Oh, yeah. Listen, I don't drink and drive, not because I'm a pussy nun, because I know if a cop pulled me over, I couldn't handle it. I would drive with a half ounce of blow under my seat. And if a cop pulled me over and I was straight, I'll fucking talk to that motherfucker. I'll sell him a gram. You know what I'm saying?

We don't need to do this office. Let me just give you a gram to go. We don't need this shit. In fact, you're off in 20 minutes. Let me give you an extra gram for going out of your way, you know what I'm saying? But if I add just one cocktail to it, I knew I didn't have a legal leg to stand on. That's how fucking demented my mind was. So I could handle all this shit, all that other shit, like I fold. If a woman touches me, I was telling Lee that I was thinking about going to the massage parlor by the haha, because that's when my friend said they suck this dick with the saran wrap. I ain't lying to you people. The jokes I tell you here, it's my life, people. I'm not going to make up stupid shit. I'm 50. I'm too fucking old. And the one I thought about, and I

looked at my wife, my wife just had a baby, and she would never know I went and got my dick sucked by some Chinese woman, whatever the fuck, right? But I still feel like at this age, everything's so even now, I wouldn't want to add that bad karma. Because I know that chicks got bad fucking karma. I'm not saying if you there's probably a hooker or two here, you know, I love you. You know, I love you. It's just something about, you know, I know they don't they bring these chicks over and hold their kids, then they got to send money and get the kid out. That's, you know, so in the back of my mind, some chicks give me a massage that got to send half the $100 I gave to China to fucking get her kid back or some shit. I don't fucking know. You know, and I can't imagine somebody

rubbing my back. Like that's always made like whenever I fuck a woman doggy style, like I'm like this bitch is stupid. She don't know me. She shouldn't trust me. She should be watching me the whole fucking time. If somebody was fucking me doggy style, be watching that motherfucker. Like that. I don't trust nobody behind you, rubbing your back. They could probably be putting salt in your asshole or something. You know what people doing to your asshole? That's disgusting when they put your legs apart. I used to have the chick that used to like put my ass apart. And you know, like disgusting. I want nobody in my ass dog. You want to tickle it and make eye contact this way and do a reach around like a normal soldier. But I don't want you behind me saying,

turn around. I'm going to eat your ass. That's nasty shit. You want to eat my ass, eat my ass this way. I'll stretch. I'll pull this leg back like a ballerina. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck. I'm flexible. I pull this motherfucker back. I know I could do a happy baby right now. You understand me? I'll do it for you right now. I don't fuck around. You do a happy baby. That's how to eat somebody's ass. Okay, you hold your ankles like that. Happy baby. And you rock this way side to side. If you're going to eat my ass, that's the fucking normal way to do it. Don't eat my ass from behind. Why are we talking about this? Nobody would eat my ass anyway. It's disgusting. I would never eat my own ass. Fucking disgusting. That's a disgusting thing.

You know, I did it sometimes when you get coked up. You're like, like my balls go deeper, and they lick your ass. And then they look, after somebody you hear their tongue in your asshole, it's completely different at breakfast. You just want to get rid of them like, you should take this ex sandwich to go. I got you one of McDonald's. All right, later. If a girl is licking your ass, Joey Diaz, at that point, that's a waking up moment. But it's not, I could never do it. Like I would feel bad for a girl if I was sober, and she was giving me a blow job. Like I'd talk her out of it. Look at my dick. This is going to scar you for the rest of your fucking life. You don't need this shit.

When you're 40, you're going to be talking to your kid one day, trying to tell him to tell him the truth. You can never tell the truth about an ugly dick to somebody. Don't do this to yourself. And to lick somebody's asshole. And I know if you're a young girl in Hollywood, you got to do it. You got to blow like fucking, can you imagine sucking Jack Nicholson's wrinkled dick when you get to town and you're 20? I would never do that to a woman. That is disgusting. A woman have to leave the next day and drive on sunset, knowing she sucked. When you're 22, you blew a 60 year old guy. If I'm 20, do you think I want to eat some 80 year old pussy? Think about it. Is that why you...

Who else got Roxy to blow? Who blew him? Roxy? Blue who? Oh, that's right. Roxy, this comedian from the stores ate wheels Parisi's ass one time. My God, it was... I can get you passed. Oh my God. And she told, he told everybody and she would say, did he tell you that I ate his ass? I don't mind eating ass. I'll eat your ass and behind if you let me. You know what I'm saying? But I'd rather you watch me. Are there any limits to when? Right or wrong. You've ever been eating ass and they rub your eyebrows. It's creepy, but it feels okay. You know what I'm saying?

You're like, I had a headache when I got here. I don't know if it's you rubbing my eyebrows or the taste of your ass or maybe you had a silverfin man and your little pussy hole there. I don't fucking... I know I wouldn't rub a girl's eyebrows if she was sucking my dick. That's just disgusting. She's like trying to rub. You know, I try to make this an intelligent podcast, but it never really works out. Everybody has an intelligent podcast. I try, but it just never pans out for me. I say, stop looking at the label. Why make yourself more nervous? Is this a cheap issue? People make the green hornet?

That's the green hornet. My hornet's good. Easily splittable. Talking about some people to help us out. I bought a big shout out to Onnet. In fact, I took a new mood tonight. You mixed a new mood with the Chibo chew. You're a fucking gana when you get home. You're floating, you know? I was thinking about a funny fucking story today. This is a... And guys, I wish I was lying to you. I miss this kid a lot. His name is Darren Rago. And I grew up with this motherfucker. And this kid was one of those kids that you went home after you hung out with him for four or five hours and you're like,

wow, this motherfucker. And he was fun guys and I loved him. And one thing about him was he always had your back, but not like simple. Like he would always hit somebody with a table. He was world-class. Okay, like, this is a... I'll fucking say it. This is a great story. One day I went to his house in 94. It was a broke comic. And he's like, Coach, what do you want to do? You want to go squish and fucking blow? And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, honey, let me borrow the credit cards. He's like, no, I won't let you borrow whatever.

And he goes, all right, fuck you, bitch. And his brother was there. And he goes, John, let me the fucking card, all right? I just want to borrow 100 bucks. Me and Coco won. And it went back and forth, back and forth until he got up and just broke his fucking brother's nose. Right in front of me. Just got up and busted his nose, took the wallet, took the credit card and said, fuck you, bitch. You should have given it to me anyway. Let's get out of here. But you loved him. I mean, I got... He had a car in high school that had no heat.

No heat in the wintertime. We called it the ice box. You know how many fucking crimes you did with that car? I mean, one time we hit a Granada. We almost knocked the fucking frame off the tires. The car was just shaking and we were fucking dying a laugh that... The car broke in front of a drug dealer's house on 143rd Street, Amsterdam. And we had to sit there the rest of the night with an eight-ball on the fucking car in the dead of winter. I mean, so many great things happened with this kid. So I go to call for him. This is 99.

And I was... I had done comedy in New York City and I had no money for a hotel. So I stayed out till four at Caroline's. And then I took the bus over and I walked to his house and I rang the doorbell because I knew he would let me in. I hadn't seen him in like three or four or five years. But I talked to him on the phone once a week. And I finally... I sat outside his door from like four to seven. And at seven, he opened the door. Coco, what's up? I went upstairs. He's fucking nude.

Nude. And he's talking to me nude. Like, yeah, I stayed in last night. The night before I did like a half a kilo. He didn't drink anymore because he had hepatitis C in his kidney. So from shooting vitamin B. When high school, he was shooting vitamin B and fucking deca and Deanna ball and all that shit. When we were juniors, he was already blasting steroids. He was yoked. So we're at breakfast. He goes, come on, let's go eat breakfast. So we're eating breakfast. And I go to him, what are you... And this I got, my God fucking struck me.

Then I go, what do you do for a living now? He goes, well, I handle luggage out at the fucking airport. And I'm robbing them blind. He goes, you know what I mean? He goes, I got a suitcase the other day with like 200 dildos. I sold him for 10 pounds a piece. I mean, he was fucking and you loved him. You fucking loved him. Like, he was just like so... I mean, he was... Listen to me, guys. This is how deep of a duty he was. He borrowed. I went home one night, years early, and I tried to get blow out of bar.

And the kid kept saying, give me the money and I'm gonna wait out here, but you gotta wait in the bar. And when the guy comes, I got a flag on my mic. I used to be a thief. I'm not gonna give you $60 and you're gonna go outside and flag them. Fuck you. I pulled the kid aside and I go, if you want the $60, just tell me like a man. And we'll split it to Grandma Coke, but don't try to rob me. I didn't give him the money. Well, three years later, he did to my friend Rago. He took him for $60. Rago ain't me. Rago went to his house, knocked on the door. The kid's mistake was he opened... You know those people that have like the door, but they have little glasses?

He opened the door and he gave Rago the finger. Rago broke the glass, opened the fucking door. He ran into the kitchen to get a knife. Rago took the chair, broke it over his head, fractured his skull, fucking whatever, fractured skull, hospital. They got Darren for manslaughter, involuntary, whatever, assault, big time bail. When I was having this conversation at breakfast, he was out on bail for this horrible thing. He broke the guy's head with a fucking table. And he's telling me, he goes, I don't give a fuck if they give me 10 years. It was just $60. It was the principal. That's how down this motherfucker was, right? So in the middle of this conversation, I go, so beside the luggage, what else do you do? And he

goes, I fucking, I'm a bodyguard for this Japanese guy. I go, yeah, body. He was five foot two, 220, all muscle, D ball, that. By this point, he wasn't even doing steroids no more. He was buying cadavers for $10,000 and taking the fucking juice out of their spine and putting the juice in his spine. No, no, no, I'm telling you, this is fucking a different level. So with breakfast, I'm sorry about the story, guys. This is a great story. And he goes, I go, so what do you do for this bodyguard? He goes, well, he flies in from Japan. I rent the fucking limo. I pick them up. I take them into these ecstasy clubs. It was 99. He goes, I take them to these ecstasy clubs and that's when the party gets started. I go, what do you mean what party? He goes, the guy gives me $25,000 cash

to buy him special K. He just, he just started driving. Again, I know cocaine and quailudes and sleeping pills, Valium's. He's dropping special K and MGD and BBC and he's just fucking dropping this shit on me. And I go, so you do all these drugs. He goes, that's nothing. He goes, let me tell you what I did Thursday night. He goes, I started them out like at eight o'clock. He goes, I did a couple of lines of coke. Right. He goes by about 930. I dropped a couple of tumor oils. He goes by 11. I dropped a couple of hits of ecstasy. Then about 1130, he goes, I did some, what's the thing in the lids, not MGH, but the other shit lids, something fucking out there too. What was it? GHP, something out there too. And then he goes,

at three to come down, I do a little heroin, but he goes, I don't drink because that'll kill you. And like, not even like a year later, while he was out awaiting trial for breaking his guy's skull, he had a car accident, went to the hospital, freaked out at the hospital, told him to suck his dick, got in the car and took like four hits of ecstasy, went home, went to sleep, never woke up. But that's how fucking crazy it was. I'm sorry about the long story. Just want to bring you motherfuckers down. I don't want to do a podcast and not give you something to take home. For $60, he broke that kid's fucking skull. And he kept telling me with the toast and the bacon coming out of his mouth. It's about the principle, Coco. If you do it to him one, he'll never do that

shit to nobody ever again. And I'm like, you know, you're gonna do 10 years. I don't give a fuck. And then he told me, this is another thing he said to me, he goes, you know what, man, he goes, I'm sick and tired of, he goes, I don't even have nobody to fight no more. He goes, you know, things are bad when you got to fight your friends. And he kept eating like nothing. Like he was telling me he was looking forward to go to prison, because he was gonna fight a little bit. Like fuck it, I'll get into a couple fistfights or shit like that. That's how crazy this guy was. So I miss him. I have a picture of him on my wall and I look at him whenever I'm depressed and I just giggle. Because I know by now he'd be out here and I'd

be sick of him. I'm people who by now, I just be making him bitch slap people because he didn't give a fuck, guys. When he was 17, he was yoked up on steroids and in bars, like big bars. I tell him like, Darren, look at that punk ass bitch over there. Go talk to that motherfucker. Do some push-ups. And Darren would get on the bar, start doing push-ups and shit. Get up, rip his shirt off and walk up to the dude. What, bitch? What the fuck do you want? And we just said they tackle him, bitch slap him, smack the bouncer. But then he fucked the bouncer's sister when they were in the eighth grade. So we were allowed to sit there and drink. I mean, there was always a story with this fucking guy. It's just amazing the people I ran into. I'm sorry, guys, I'm high as a fuck.

Me too, dude. The first one. When is this one gonna come in? That kicks in about the same time, about 10.30. The same time Darren would be doing MGH and shit like that. So you gotta do something every two hours, though. What? It's fucking Devil's Night, people. It's fucking Devil's Night. The fuck is wrong with you people, you know what I'm saying? I hope you people are drinking and having a good time. I'm happy people came out tonight. Look, I'm dealing with two high fucking Jews. Jesus. You know what I'm saying? So much. Jesus had 11 Jews. I got two fucking Jews that are high. Unfucking believable. I wanted to recreate the Last Supper, but I have me over. I'm just like, like ready to fucking stab him. How fucked up was the Last Supper? What do you mean? Like, it was

like the biggest celebrity of the day. The biggest slap in the face, and it was just done the weirdest way. Like, they all got him there and, you know, they were having a good time and fucking whatever his name slipped out the back door. Oh, really? That's how it went down? I thought it was that they were already in jail and they get his one last meal. No, what the fuck? What Jew school did you go to? Thursday night is the Last Supper, okay? So then they go Thursday night fucking Jesus knew. Jesus was a Jew and he got the telegraph. Listen, shit's gonna go down. Pontius Pilate is pissed off. They heard you doing magic tricks. They know you're fucking you're lying to people and you ain't paying a fucking tax. So Jesus knew and somebody told him and somebody close to you's

gonna turn on you. So they invited him to this dinner the same way they invited Paul Castellano, the Sparks Steakhouse December 12 1995. They invited them there. They fucking fatten them up. They gave him bread. They gave him fucking vino. He made fucking some tricks. Well, you don't have no wine fucking. Boom. There you go. Fuck bread. Why are we eating bread? Let's get some fish in this motherfucker. Get a Japanese guy to cut up some sushi. They're eating sushi and shit. And then fucking came the bill came. It's just there was 11 Jews. They all looked at each other like, what the fuck? But then the one Jew that fucked up, Pontius, he slipped. Not Pontius. What was the Jew that flipped? Judas picked up the tab, right?

That's how Jesus knew. Some ain't right. This motherfucker picked up. This guy hasn't picked up a tip since birth. This motherfucker. This guy got pennies. Scott's taped to his thighs. You know what I'm saying? And right there he started looking around and the Roman guards took him and they walked him into the fucking darkness and they beat him into the fucking darkness. They beat that motherfucker for 24 hours. But the best thing he said is they were beating him was he looked up and he goes, Father, forgive them because they don't know who the fuck they're dealing with. They're going to kill me, but I'm making a comeback Sunday.

Two PM East and 11 Pacific. And that's the shit you motherfuckers read. You know what I'm saying? That's a good story. That's how it went fucking down. No, no, no, we got we're gonna listen. We ain't got enough fucking time to tell the fucking story how it went down. They tricked them. They knew when they gave fucking Judas Geethers, then I don't know. Judas hung himself, right? Judas hung himself because he was sleeping and he got the same tongue that they got in Nightmare on Home Street. Remember when the bitch called him and the tongue popped out of the phone? They got to say hello for me, Judas, kill yourself. What? It was like Hannibal Lecter. Remember

he told that motherfucker next to him in the cell to kill himself. Same thing. So Judas killed himself, then Pontius beat the fuck out. It's a very sad story if you believe it. I mean, here's a guy that's got 12 people, you know, it's like me beating up Brad Pitt. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got to prove to you people that Brad Pitt's a fucking, I don't know. That's, I don't, he was a big celebrity. How the fuck did he over, I don't know. I don't fucking know people. Don't listen to me. Well, what do I know? Chibos got my mind. I told you, the guests tonight were going to be Ari Shafir and the history of Chibos juice. Did I not write that down on the Twitter? I don't lie to you people. I don't fuck with

you people. Lee, how are you feeling over there, cock sucker? It's all over. I told you, call the boss and quit. It's all over. Look at the shape of you. Where's your girlfriend? Call your girlfriend. You're going to work tonight? Tonight. Oh, fuck no. And he ain't even finished yet because we got another piece of Chibos juice coming in right now. We're going to take this motherfucker deep tonight, deep into the murky waters. Let me give a shout out to the sponsors. If you're feeling down, you're feeling gloomy. Go to honor.com. Don't fuck around. Get some alpha brain. Get some fucking protein powder. Enhance yourself. All right? Even if you just get to mix it. Now they got stevia. They got everything. They got ropes. They got balls to throw around,

kettlebells. Go knock yourself out. Let's say you want to shave. Let's say tonight you were fucked up. Your girlfriend came over and she wants to shave a fucking monkey with your razor. Because I don't mind a girl shaving your monkey with the razor, but don't leave that curly hair in there. Put it under the shower. Tap that motherfucker. Tap it or take it out and give it to me. That's what you do. You take it out. You put it on my pillow and shit, you know what I'm saying? Right by the pillow. That's what a real woman does. She shaves her pussy and just sprinkles that shit. Right or wrong, mama. That's a good idea. Fuck voodoo and all that shit. You bitches want me to get roses and sprinkle them on the bed. For what? Sprinkle some fucking pussy hair on my pillow.

Put some magic dust in between the pillows. Let that shit grow and get some fucking momentum to them. You know what I'm saying? You ever wake up with a fucking dick hair in your nostril? You're in the mood all day. You're like, I smell dick all fucking day today. I can't get it out of my nose. What I'm trying to say is go to Dollar Shave Club. Don't tolerate that shit. Go to Dollar Shave Club. It's a great package. $1, $6 and $9. You go to joeydears.net, you click onto the fucking box and you're right. They should animate that ad. CHURCH. Dollar Shave Club, get the deal. It's $80 a year. Think about that. You have a fixed income for your fucking raises. So it's $80 for raises, $80 for condoms, $80 for fucking protein

powder and $22,000 for reefer. I'm just trying to help you motherfuckers out. That's all I'm trying to do. You guys don't have a fucking advisor that cares about you. Number two, you're sick like tonight. I'm happy you people came because there's nothing on TV. What's on TV tonight? There's no breaking bed. There's no walking dead. There's nothing. What's on TV? Nothing. Nothing tonight. You'd be sitting there like a fucking mutt finishing up your weed and all of a sudden you got no weed till Friday. You don't need to do that no more. Go to Hulu Plus. They ain't got weed for you, but they got TV, they got shows, they got entertainment. $7.99, two weeks free, $7.99 a month. That's $96 a fucking year. So for $96, you get movies and

entertainment and TV shows and Ferretti, you shave your balls and your wife shaves her pussy and the hairs won't mix because that's how things get fucked up right there. And that's how we fucking go down. You understand me? Who's over at the window looking, they're all in there looking like Sandusky. What the fuck are you looking at? What if I show you my dick cock sucker, huh? I'm 50. I can't show nobody my dick no more, but there was a time that I was like 31. I just dropped that fucking camera. What are you 31, 10 years ago? Yeah, 10 years ago. I was 40. You're right, cock sucker. So I would put the fucking hole in my pants and I test you. I wouldn't let you know I had a hole. And I take my ball skin and pull it to the

front and just drop it on you like that. And I just test you. And once I caught you looking at my balls, I had you. Then I started jiggling like I was nervous. And by that time it gets 3D because the whiff comes right at you. And also you're living it right there. You're whiffing that fucking nut. You know what I'm saying? How are you Tarzan? Get the heavy head cock sucker. Ari Shafir. What the fuck? You just came from Australia. What happened? I don't know. It's pretty fucking cool. Really? Jeff? Oh my God. Ari Shafir. Your fucking eye. I'm so goddamn high man. Why would you give me the second one? This eye. The first one was too much. It already says quad. This eye is straight and this eye was crooked. It just stayed like that.

The left eye follows everybody's tips on the table. I had an idea. I called Ari one time. I want to make a video of Ari with a yamagon tied up and me taking his money out of his ATM machine and ripping up each 20 and throwing it at him. And Ari going stop, stop. You're killing me. I'm not 20s. My whole account, $20 at a time. So what happened in Australia? Tell me what happened. It's pretty cool. I fucking hung out by the beach at Bondi for the first week. It was all warm. Okay. Walked around. Did you do any comedy down there? Yeah. What nights did you do comedy? What places? The comedy store. It's down there. There's a pretty cool room. One headline night was just you for an hour. Start to finish. Get on, get off. And then the Melbourne comedy lounge.

I got laid. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Did you pay? I did not pay her. What? Did you do what you did last time in Australia? No, I did not. I did not. No, I didn't pay her. Tinder. Fucking Tinder worked out for once. I know. Joey doesn't know what Tinder is. I have no idea. It's an app on your phone where it's like, I'm here, you're here. If you guys like each other, you can say you want to fuck. That's pretty good fucking Lee. I'm stuck. It's not quite like that, but yeah. Tell Joey what you ate. What? Let me eat you eat. You ate kangaroo meat? Oh yeah, I can't groom me later that week. Kangaroo meat. Was it good? Delicious. Lean. I loved it.

It wasn't a girl. I thought that was gonna fuck you up. I thought you were gonna be like, I thought you were gonna go get all pissed off. Why would I get pissed off of this fucking mutt eating kangaroo? What do I give a fuck if he ate it? If you tied me up and made me eat it, then I'd be fucking pissed off. But if my brother wants to eat kangaroo meat, what am I gonna tell him? I heard it ain't bad. I've had alligator in Texas. Alligator's good as fuck. When we go to Texas, we're gonna go to Papa Dose. Those balls? And we're gonna get those fucking alligators with that Alioli sauce. What? The fucking Surveysa? Are you kidding me? Thank you for making it out, guys. I appreciate it. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? I love you guys. Fuck it, though. I love it.

Ah, man, you guys weren't paying attention, but that means you were high. So that's always a good fucking start right there. I don't want to deal with sober fuck. I was in Kentucky this year, some kid came with me, hey man, how you doing? And there was a joint keep going around. He kept asking questions. So how long you're here for? What hotel are you staying at? Did your brandy Chibo choose? And finally, I kept seeing him going like this and going like this to the joint. I go, dog, until you hit that fucking joint, you're not getting an answer. You understand me? I don't smoke, man. I'm in the Marines. I don't give a fuck. You're asking a lot of fucking questions for somebody who's in the fucking Marines. The Dakota Marines is silent. Ain't it motherfucker? Silence.

What's with the fuck? And finally, guys, when I wasn't looking, he turned around and walked away. So he was something. He was DEA. I don't fucking know. I mean, what do you listen to me for? I'm some fat guy with felonies fucking talking to your people. So now you like going international. You really enjoy. I mean, yes, cool, man. Let me tell you something. This guy here, he don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You know, he's, you know, this guy walks around New York with no t-shirt on. I don't want to make friends. You don't need friends. You have yourself. You have your own fucking mind. I take one of these chiba-choos and then I just walk around to look at people. I sweat. Shorts and flip flops on. That's it.

Am I going to come in your store? Maybe. Nope. That's hilarious. Look at the shape police I am. Look at this fucking guy over here. Look at them. Aren't you happy the Red Sox one cocksuckin? Did you cry? Did you cry a little bit? No, this is the weirdest podcast. Why is it weird? What's the matter? Why is it weird? We covered a lot of fucking shit today. Okay. No, it's just like, just the amount of high we are, I didn't look. What's this weed? I ain't fucking high. I didn't eat no edibles, cocksucker. You're the one that ate the edibles. Look at the shape of you. What am I going to do with you?

What do you want to say? Spit it out. What do you have to talk about? I don't know. It's weird. What do you mean that you don't know it's weird? What's weird? We're like, we're all telling stories and like we're fading it out of like even the ones we're saying. I can't even imagine why would you do this to somebody? Why would I do this to you? Because I love you cocksucker and I care for you. Okay. If I didn't love you, I let you walk around sobering your head, thinking about fucking pennies and the red socks and dollar bills and shit like that. I love you. So I try to give you something to take you out of your head and that's why

you do a good podcast because you're high after time because I make you smoke pot and do all this shit. You know, I leave weed for him there and I come back on Monday. He don't smoke it. Do you know what? I want to choke him half the time. I go, what the fuck do you do for two days in this apartment without smoking fucking weed? And he's got one of those couches that he leans back and I can tell he sits there. I know he's got a piss bucket. I know he's got one of those things but he connects to his dick and he just squeezes it and it squeezes the pee out of his dick like a like a mad scientist into a bucket. He's got a little refrigerator. He slides out. He's got a closet with a lock on it like a fucking creepy lock like he's got a body in there.

That's what the refrigerator is with the Twinkies and shit and he just sits there like the only time he gets up is the shit. That's it because he can't tolerate it and trust me, I do the same thing. If I could figure out, I slept in my in-laws house in Tennessee the other day with the window open, the air on and the fucking, it was 30 degrees. I got up in the middle of the night at four to pee. Wait, start the story over. Listen. I slept at my in-laws house in Tennessee Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Thursday night, it was 30 degrees out and my wife kept telling me, she goes, don't fuck around, don't open that window, it's gonna be cold in that room. Me, you know what I mean, I'm a penguin. I put, I fucking open the

window, put the air on, the fan and the ceiling fan, right? So I ate an edible, I got to sleep at me a mask on, right? And the tube comes out. So you could put the blanket over your head. So it could be fucking zero. It's got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. I'm under my blanket bundled up like a little fat fucking beetle, you know what I'm saying? Like, doesn't a beetle go into his shell? He puts his arms into the shell. That's me. I'm on the bottom. I'm on the bottom in defensive position. You can't get me in an Americana. You can't get me on my back. I'm on my fucking side. I'm in defense position. And finally at four in the morning, I open my eyes and my dick is soft, but you got to pee. You ever get, you ever wake up and you touch your dick and it's soft? And

all of a sudden you're like, I got to pee and like, fuck. But it was so cold out. But I actually thought about peeing on the side of the bed and just rolling over to the one side. That's how cold it was. I tried to get up and I had to put the blanket back on. And the fan was hitting me like with the air. And I'm playing with my dick. I'm holding it just to see if I could like sprinkle it like a sprinkler. So it don't go like in a circle. I could sprinkle it on the room with my pee. And then I realized I'm in my fucking in-laws house. I can't pee on their fucking carpet. So I put the car, I put the fucking blanket on. I obviously took the sleep apnea mask off, but I put the blanket on and walked through the fucking piss and piss and then crawled back

in that bed. It was the coldest. I hadn't been in a long time. And for an hour I argued myself in my sleep whether I should get up, pee the bed, pee on the fucking floor. I even thought about peeing in my Adidas and that's fucked up right there. You can't pee in your Adidas, run DMC, wouldn't like that shit. Now I'm happy we do these and I'm happy you crazy motherfuckers come on. Sometimes, listen, a live podcast is a live podcast. If you're going to do something, listen, you people have been watching edited television and radio for fucking since day one. I believe and if we're going to, if you guys are going to pay money and I'm going to leave the house Wednesday nights, I'm going to leave my baby and my wife. We're going to get down.

If you guys need an edible tonight and get fucked up, shame on you. If you didn't plan a designated fucking driver, shame on you. I told you we're going down tonight. So I expected you guys, shut the fuck up bitch. I expected you to do the same. I want to give you none of this. What's none of that show? You want to see me as fucked up as you can. You want to know what I ate today motherfuckers? Do you want any idea what papa ate today? All right, let me tell you what I ate today. First of all, I fucking worked out hard. So when I got home, I was sore. So I opened up with two of those 70 milligram fucking Cheebo chews. That was 1130. 1130 opened up with that smoke. The joint went in the shower, washed my pussy, came out. I wrote for an hour and then my

wife was lurking. So I had to take her to lunch as high as I was. I took her to lunch and we split the fucking I split the I took a two pieces of white tuna. I had the green salad and we split the lagostino roll because she likes, you know, she's Irish. She don't like fish. She likes fish, but she likes the California roll. She's still on the starter level of sushi, which annoys the fuck out of me because this is great sushi. I'm like, try fucking some, eat an eel, eat an octopus, eat a fucking shark, eat something, you fuck. No, no, I'm going to get a California roll in the soup. What the fuck, take a chance, bitch. So by the time I left there, I was so fucking high, I had to go home and take a nap. She took the baby to the doctor. I had to go home and take

a fucking nap. I was so high. I was like medium high and my stomach was full. And then I got up and I go, what the fuck, I'm up. That's it. You can't walk on one leg. So she wanted to go to some fucking cabbage. Where's that shit? A pumpkin festival. A pumpkin festival with the baby. So I said, hold on, before we go to the pumpkin festival, let me go inside and drop a fucking decker. So I dropped the 170. You know what I'm saying? Just because that's how I roll. I got no time for this. But let me tell you why I lost the 170. When I got to the fucking pumpkin patch, I was high as fuck, but it was run. It was a beautiful pumpkin patch in Burbank, on Kawanga and Riverside. It's beautiful, but it's run by people who work in carnivals.

And the kid came up to me and I was really high and I paid. It was six bucks for the mission. So it was 18 bucks, give the guy 20. But then people started coming up to me and I could smell them. They smelled like fucking armpit. And I smelled two of them and the fucking garlic went in my nose and made the decker come out of my fucking ears. So I wasn't high no more. They're distinct of how bad body odor they had. Why would you put people to work at a fucking pumpkin thing that stunk worse than the fucking petting zoo? Because I was by the petting zoo. They had pigs, they had a chicken, a fucking turkey, and that didn't stink. And this motherfucker stunk so bad. So I got in my car and I left. Then I went home and I ate a gummy bear. And I ate a fucking, I ate a piece of chocolate from

Speed Demon LA. LA Weed Speed Demon. I don't fuck around people. What time is this? Six o'clock. You know me. I had to get ready for Dian Sawyer. You know what I'm saying? But then they fucked me in the ass because George Satteropoulos was on that fucking cock sucker. Not George Satteropoulos, but the other guy from the White House corresponded to Greek, the good looking guy, because it was her night off fucking Dian Sawyer. So I wasted a fucking decker on fucking Dian Sawyer. So I said, fucking, I might as well take another shower and get ready for the ice. That's when I came out of the ice. I had a packet to go, a packet for Ari. I dropped a decker and I dropped a gummy bear on my way up here and then I split one. Guys, I ain't got no time to fuck around.

If you want to see a devil on devil's night, you got to get down. You understand me? So do whatever the fuck you need to do. It's devil's night. Tweet me when you get home. I don't care. I'll be up. I'll be up watching, having a conversation with a diablo himself. So just tweet me and say, Joey, I made it home, but I'm sitting here talking to the motherfucker right now. So I don't know, guys. I like getting high. I don't want to smoke as much no more. I smoke like a fucking joint a day now, you know? So I like eating the animals. I don't have time to fucking smoke all day no more. I'm trying to maintain my lungs. I got a baby that's going to start walking in fucking two weeks. I got to chase around the fucking house. Joey, what about the inhalers?

What inhalers? Listen, let me explain something to you. Right away, I got Jacqueline over here, cocksucker. Are you kind of, are you kind of with the fucking gummies? Shut the fuck up, bitch. You know what, man? Listen, I've been smoking dope for 30 years. The inhaler works from 515 a.m. to about 10 to 6. By the time I put Pantera on, it's all over for the inhaler. The inhaler taps out. It's a 20 minute high. You know, we smoke. I fucking smoke. When I go to a weed store, I don't get Pineapple Express, because that's what James Frank calls smokes. No, I fucking get this shit.

And I look the motherfucker in the eye. You look him in the eye. There's no goofing around. Hi. I want this shit. That Lee Harvey guy was a little slow when he went to Dallas. And when you say, and look him in the eye like puppy sincerely, don't go in there like happy heart. No. Come here, you're like James Dean. I want to get fucked up. And they'll look at you like what? Come again. I just told you, I want to get fucked up. And they'll show you see sometimes if they're rushing, they'll turn around for a little Russian. I said, but I don't know. And then he'll go in the back or me, you know, whatever, and they'll bring out the good shit and they'll look at each other. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, yeah. 22, 22, 22, special today. They're fucking,

they know they got the shit in the back. You go in there, you buy that dumb shit that every other fucking dumb fuck is buying. Oh my God, because they, you know, sharks tooth. Oh my God. Yeah. That shit ain't gonna work. You gotta look at me and you gotta let him know. I don't fuck around. I don't have time to fuck around. The strongest shit you get, I fucking want. That's it. I don't want no shit. When I bought coke, I didn't buy water down coke. I went to these black motherfuckers that had rock. That's how I roll. You're gonna want the best. I don't want no bullshit. When you're eating edibles, you want the best. No, because I don't know. It may be stronger than that ain't for me. That ain't for me. I want testimonials. That ain't for me.

You know, I love you. Ladies, I love you. I fucking love women. I love you, but I hate you at the weed store. I hate you at the weed store because you show us cleavage and you give us bad shit. And you know, and this will get you high. Who the fuck are you? You just started smoking with your boy for a year ago, watching sons of anarchy. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck are you? No fucking. Who the fuck are you? No, I want to talk to the owner of this motherfucker. I want to talk to the dirty guy. Come on. Come on here. Listen, dog. I want to see the devil. Fuck this little pussy shit for these fucking kids. I want to see this shit that people walk around. Like if somebody came in here, he was going to die in an hour. What would you fucking give him?

That's what I want, all right? That's what you fucking want. Why would I pay you 20 for that and 20 for that and get the shitty shit? If it's an edible, if it's blow, if it's harrowing, you're going for the best or don't do it. Don't fucking do it. Why are you going to do it and put that shit in your system? When I was doing, when I, when I was doing coke, I was doing, I would hunt the best coke out there. I would hunt the best coke out there. If the drug dealer was good and white and in shape, I didn't deal with that fucking mutt. I want to deal with the guy that's losing the tooth and he's got, he got beat up the night before. That guy got beat up because he got fucking good coke. That motherfucker got fucking good coke and I hunted the good blow

out. The same thing with pills or whatever. You want the best. It cost you 10% more to fly 100% better, right? I have no idea what I just said. Do you need people to know that? I have no idea. I am so fucking hot. Listen, I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you for coming out and supporting Ari Shafir and my man, the Flying Jew. I love you, cocksuckers, with all my heart. Stay black. You want to ask questions? It's ask Ari questions. Go ahead. Ari, they want to ask you a question. What's the new season coming out? What's the new season coming out? December or something. I don't fuck. It's coming out on Tuesday. It's coming Tuesday already.

That's a great thing this kid has put together. He's going to put storytelling on the map on its own. In two years, there's going to be a night at every comedy club or storytelling. When Ari comes in, there's going to be an OG storytelling. People are going to come from all over. Give him some applause for putting that whole round together. For giving us another. We're just not comics no more. We've got fucking podcasts and storytelling. You've got to go to weed stores. There's a lot of work when you're a comedian. You've got to put it together. Anything else, people? That's it. No, you've got to go to weed stores. Let me explain something to you, man.

I had extra. He could have given it to him instead of to me and Lee. He could be an undercover cop. And also when I do 10 fucking years, we're in California. Everybody in this room could get a fucking Cheebo Choo. I don't know you. If I give you a Cheebo Choo, next thing you know, I'm in fucking Twitter. I'm in handcuffs. I'm at the ice house. You know how these cops are in California, dog? He looks like he's 21 Jump Street. No, no, no. He is a cop. He is a cop. Look at him. I didn't know it was you. I thought it was the guy behind. You're too young for a Cheebo Choo, dog. You haven't? Good for you. You got problems.

I got to go. But listen, about I got to tell you, there's a funny as fucking thing. Ladies, appreciate that and talk to your daughters. After I tell you this story, I'm in Phoenix. No, Portland, Oregon. A couple weeks ago. Okay. We're gonna be in St. Louis November 21st, November 21st, but don't don't plug the fucking date cock sucker. Why? Because we're gonna plug it later. But I'm insane. I'm in Portland, Oregon, about six weeks ago. Guys, this is the most bizarre thing that's ever happened. And it's like 40 of us outside after a show. And there's a chick that's lurking. Attractive, maybe not, maybe so, whatever, you know, she wasn't for me, you know, but I'm watching

her and she's by herself. And she's getting closer and closer. There's a joint going around. Great fucking club, Portland, Helium. And everybody's having a great time. And all of a sudden, we're having a conversation and somebody goes, it was raining. So somebody goes, it was a great night for fucking. That's all somebody said. It's a great night for fucking. And this chick out of her mouth goes, I started fucking when I was 10. When somebody says that, it's sexy at first, like a second. You're like, I started fucking at 10. You're like, oh, that bitch definitely got a tattoo, right? But then you're like 10. And somebody said, who fucked you? And she's like, some guy that was

about 18, I was 10. And he fucked me over and over and over again. And everybody sat there and goes, all right, all right, man, we all got a guy. I mean, it was the creepiest day because there's men, if a woman's saying that shit, we'll sit around. Did you take it in the ass? Did he come in your mouth? Like, we'll investigate. Did he come on your feet? Did he tie you up? Tell me more. Tell me more. No, me, I don't want to fuck you. I'm just asking you. I have a girlfriend. I'm engaged. I would never, really, are you serious? I'll fuck it. But it's so fucked up how this chick just said that. Like, there was some guy who was 18. He fucked me over and over and over again. And the whole fucking, like everybody was like, yeah, but all of a sudden

it just stopped. And it sunk in. And you can see how people were like, okay. And you have a good night. And usually when out of 20 guys, there's got to be one filthy motherfucker that'll come up to her like, dude, so you still looking to fuck anymore? You know, nobody, everybody was like, fuck it. That's it. All right. Good night. I love you guys. Have a happy Halloween. And I'll see you before I'll see you motherfuckers the night before Thanksgiving. We're doing this. At least that'll be outside signing autographs and telling stories. I love you guys. Thank you very much. I love you at all my heart. Thank you. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of it shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone and tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or go to joey or just go to joeyds.net and click on the bell.