Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #09

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Rocco Urbisci and Sal Polisi join Joey and Lee Live at the Ice House. Recorded live on 11/27/2013

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, mmm, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some hard time, yeah, yeah, Stephen on motel floor. Hey, guys. Learn, learn, learn, learn. Oh, shit. Night before Thanksgiving. This is fun. This is the first time we sold out before the show started.

So thank you guys very much. This is very fun. Shit, it's bright. All right, well, we have two great guests for you. So I'm just going to start it and bring up the main man, Joey Diaz. Thank you very much, Lee Syat. One more time, Lee Syat. All right.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Thank you very much for coming out. I know you had a lot of choices. You got shit to do in LA and you came out here and you're staying late and you're drinking, fuck the cops, fuck the 134. I like the attitude because that 134 is fucked up when you're drunk. You could get home, trust me. You there's no cops on that 134.

But right after fucking Glendale before fair lawn, that's a fucking hell drive right there if you're fucked up. I've smoked a couple of joints and went over the line a couple of times. Nevermind had a couple of margaritas and trying to have a good time here. But I'm happy you guys came out. Thank you for the support. You know, it was a podcast. We get crazy on there.

We talk about shit. A lot of people don't even fucking dream about. We talk about shit people don't dream about. And because of you guys, one of my things came true. The guy kidnapped 26 years ago, finally called the podcast. He finally forgave me. He fucking forgave me after 26 years. You know, it was just hard enough to get him on there.

I couldn't get him to talk about it. You know, I didn't want to talk about getting tied up and putting a trunk. That's too deep. That's too deep before Thanksgiving. But I contacted it. It took me three fucking years on Facebook, persistent. You understand me? I kept sending the message, Kent, I'm sorry.

And they would get back to me. Fuck you, fat man. And then like a month later, Kent, I'm sorry. Go fuck yourself. Then I asked him point blank, you know, would you like to do the podcast? And he's like, fuck you again. And then out of the blue, out of the blue, like a week before the 26th anniversary, I'm not lying to you.

He fucking hit me on Facebook and he sent me his number. And it took me three days to actually call it. I mean, this is a guy kidnapped at gunpoint. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's not like I'm trying to sell him insurance. It's a it's a it's a complete different situation. You know, and I'm picture him taking a shit and the phone rings. And he's like, there's no fucking rolling papers, whatever.

Toilet paper and all of a sudden it's me on the phone. Hello, it's Joey Diaz. Fuck, you know. So I got scared. I didn't know when to call him. And I finally called him and I told him I was sorry. And he goes, hey, man, no problem. I'll call the podcast.

And he called me that night. I thought he had a couple cocktails in him. And then that Sunday I called him like in the morning and he never called me back. I'm not lying to you guys about eight o'clock. I fuck I think it's not going to call the podcast. So I wrote on Facebook, the guy kidnapped 26 years ago. Still won't forgive me for kidnapping him after 26 fucking years. I mean, what is I've lit like a thousand candles.

You understand me like I wasted candles on this motherfucker. Sometimes you go to church, you let a candle for your cousin. He's missing a foot. You know what I'm saying? The other cousins go into jail for kidnap whatever fucking you let again. I would like candles for him to forgive me. And then fucking after I wrote it on Facebook, he called me. He goes, I'll do it tomorrow.

He just called me. He said he apologized and we talked about it, you know, because I would never kidnap somebody today. I mean, it was like it was like a bad day. And you know, again, seriously, sometimes you wake up and you're like, fuck it, I'm going to run this red light. You know what I'm saying? Well, nobody's ever done that.

You're like, fuck the days today. I'm sick and tired of stopping on sup over the before the far four or five. That's a 10 minute life. You could shit eight times during that life. You ever get to that? Like after a point, you're like, what the fuck is going on with this fucking life, man? When does this fucking thing change, motherfucker?

It's a motherfucker, dog, but it's the holiday season. There's enough fucking. This is, this is it right now. It's do or die after tomorrow, motherfuckers. And they didn't even give a fuck about Thanksgiving this year. Did you notice the night after Halloween, like 901, they didn't even mention the turkeys or the pilgrims. Fuck those motherfuckers.

They went right to layaway plans. Fuck it. They didn't even talk about them. Remember Rouse used to give a free turkey? Fuck it. Don't give away free turkeys. Don't do nothing. Rouse, don't give away shit.

I boycott at Rouse. I'm done with fucking Rouse. Fuck them. They suck dick. They give me bananas. I bring them home to get rotten. How the fuck are they yellow? They're like magic bananas.

They were, David Blaine must have fucking put them together. How the fuck do you buy bananas on cold water and fucking riverside at four o'clock and they're yellow as shit? And by the time you get home, you take a bath, you take a shit, you smoke a joint, you're going to kitchen they're brown. They're like, what the fuck just happened? Only Rouse does that shit here.

And they will do a switcheroo on you quicker than a fucking Jew in Chinatown. They don't give a fuck. You know what a switcheroo is? They show you the sneaker. Oh, you like this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We come right back.

Back then, they give you the old shit that they made like a Newark. They don't even give you the shit they made in China. They give you the shit they made in Newark. Then you bring it home. I swear to God, one time, right, I was running the scam and I had to leave town. So I was going to do the scam at like two in the afternoon.

And I was going to take the nine o'clock flight. So the day before, I knew I needed sneakers for the scam. So me being the Puerto Rican that I am, right, I pulled them up in front of the sporting group. My friend, I go, don't move the car. And I went in, and I didn't even put the sneakers on. Like I went in, I go, let me get 9 and 1 half to do this. Because you don't want to try them on.

Fuck it, I'm going to rush, cock. So I got to rob somebody. I pay for the sneakers. I put the sneakers in my luggage. I go to Colorado. I take the sneakers out. One was 10 and 1 half. The other one was like a 6 and 1 half.

And what am I going to do? Send the fucking sneaker back. There was no federal express. You know what, I put that sneaker on. I wore that motherfucker. With pride, I wore that motherfucker. My leg was purple. I don't give a fuck, Jack.

They were $80 sneakers. I don't give a fuck. I had an ingrown toenail. My toenail still hasn't fucking grown from that. I got one of those fungi toenails. It just hangs there. Looks like a toenail shell. You know what I'm saying?

How are you doing, you sexy motherfucker? What's happening? Bad motherfucker, you're bringing out with a mini skirt. I like that. That's a Spanish dude right there. That's Fwetterside shit. And you probably called up. Spanish motherfuckers will call a woman up.

Listen, fuck that dress with the polka dots. I don't like that dress. It's too long. Wear the mini skirt, dog. So I can just case this traffic. I can play with you. In the fucking car. Spanish guys don't fuck around.

They'll tell you what to wear. Don't wear that, motherfucker. And wear the pink underwear, it's easier to pull to the side. Those white grandma ones have the elastic, like the wrestler. You know what I'm saying? You're like a fucking wrestler. Nothing falls out. I can't get a finger in there.

Where you going to the gym? You going to wrestle somebody? Wear the fucking thong with the string. Like a finger bang and put a blinker on, you know what I'm saying? I got to keep my hands loose. I can't be caught up in a fucking fact. Next year, I hit somebody.

The black guy from all states shows up. I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much. You're coming out of here tonight. The guy I'm bringing up is Point Black, one of the baddest fucking Jews living today. You understand me? He just beat up his great uncle Stab Jesus on the cross.

That's how I'm just stabbed. I'm like, what you fuck, you cocksucker? Showing up with those yellow bananas and shit. That's a callback, page 89, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, my brother from a different mother, Mr. Lee Syac, get him up here. Oh, shit. You know it's going to be a good show when you're

fired up off our bananas. Oh, I'm pissed about those fucking bananas, dog. No, they fucked me with bananas. They fucked me. They did the switcheroo to me with fish. That's when they fucked me up. I went there and the fish was beautiful. Shy, shea, shoe, whatever the fuck it was.

And when I brought it home, Spanish people know what a chicharron is, the fact that they fry, that's what they gave me, the fucking fat. So here I am. Listen, people, let me tell you something. There's two appetites. There's the regular natural appetite to have. It's like the, I don't know, natural appetite

is completely different from being high and having an appetite. And going out and fetching the food. Like once you go to Rouse and you're high at Rouse, you start becoming a chef in your head. You go to a Chinese restaurant and the motherfucker's closed. And that's the flavor you had in your mouth. It's like a dog when he goes to lick his balls and they cut him off.

And he looks one day and he got no nuts. You know what I'm saying? He was in the mood to lick his balls, now they disappeared again. So it's different. You get home and now the fish is bad. I don't like that shit. Now I'm stuck making peanut butter and fucking jelly sandwiches,

which I don't mind. You know what I'm saying? I don't mind the good peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Why about you, little brother? No, that's what I've been living on for a week or two. I know, you like that. I had him today after you left. Yesterday, I stopped at the store

because he's going to give me edibles. And I know I'm not going to leave the house. So I stopped for bread. What kind of bread did you get? Weed or what? Wheat. You like peanut butter and jelly on wheat bread? Yeah, what's the difference?

What type of fucking American are you, cocksucker? Why is that bad? In the American cookbook, it's on white, OK? And you're supposed to cut the fucking sides off. You know, that's what the professionals do. You cut the crust off? Not now, because I don't give a fuck about the crust. What am I, one of these half of fags?

I'm gluten-free, oh my God. I can't do it no more. You're fucking Italian, cocksucker. How the fuck are you gluten-free? What are you, eat peppers all day, you fuck? If you can't eat bread, you can't eat pizza, you can't eat fucking spaghetti, and you can't make a milkshake.

How the fuck are you going to live off bread? And that's just invented. All these fucking diseases just got invented recently. You think a caveman 2,000 years ago when you offered him a piece of pizza? It's amazing how all those phobias go away when you go to prison, you understand me? All those allergies disappear,

because people play along to those fucking allergies. There's no one who eats just organic in prison? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, they'll agree with you, you know? They'll give you what you want. Oh, you want cow, you want raised on a farm, OK? We'll give you salmon from the Atlantic, instead of fucking whatever. But it's amazing, all the diseases.

And I'm getting a phobia now. And I'm not lying to you, but you know a phobia I'm getting? But I'm going to get fucking shot. Bananas? You ever get that phobia now with all the shootings? You don't know when you're going to get fucking shot. Like anything I go to now, there's a lot of people, I do what I got to do and I get the fuck out of there.

Like it's time to go. With the menu, I don't give a fuck, I got an appetizer. I'm good till late, I fuck this shit. I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I don't get to be at the late, I fuck this shit. I swear to God, now with everything that's going on, you get this thing that you're going to get shot.

You don't want to get a bullet proof vest and walk around like dooba. Because they even got him even with the fucking vest. They gonna get you, they gonna get you. So, what's up dog? What the fuck? What are we doing tomorrow for Thanksgiving? Are you grateful?

Yeah, absolutely, fuck. You're givin' up with two edibles today, so we'll see where this goes. Let me ask you a question. Again, let's go back to this shit. Every time I have a prom with something, I think of two black kids in Africa laying there with flies on them, right?

And saying to themselves, well, you gave me two edibles today. Go fuck yourself. Fuck no. They'd be getting up dancing and shit, doing the gator dance, getting the flies off their shoulders. If you're having girl proms,

I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 proms and the bitch ain't one. If you gave edibles to a kid in Africa, they would pass out and die. No, they fucking wouldn't. They would go out, they'd get energy for an hour, kill a fucking mule and eat it.

That's what you do. You get creative. You don't sit there and let these flies eat you. You go, well, I'm not gonna sit here and let these motherfuckers eat me and give me chingles. Fuck this shit.

You take them off one by one and you get up all fucked up. Like Diane Nayad, when she came out of the water, that fucking old bitch, she pissed me the fuck off. Broke the record. Fuck you, bitch.

Cubans are pissed about that shit. Cubans like she cheated. She had a boat, she had a mask on. Cubans ain't got nothing. They got a raft and crackers. You think I'm fucking kidding you. That's what they come with.

They have a raft, crackers and water and they just go out there and one guy was telling me that he saw fucking a bunch of empty wraps. It's like the apocalypse now. After you're 30 or 40 miles in and 50 miles from the States, you see people jumping up and down in Miami,

but you also see fucking wraps that are empty now. You see the sharks coming around. It's fucking scary. Diane Nayad had bodyguards. She had fucking a sawn on to her to see what her things are. She had a mask for the jellyfish.

Fucking Cubans do that shit. Commando, bitches. You understand me? Solo, like fucking John Lennon anyway. How are you, my love? Everything all right? I'm happy you guys came out tonight. Happy Thanksgiving for all of us, man.

Without you guys that have fucking Dick and Lee, we'd be doing something else. You gotta eat the edibles. When Jesus came down, he sacrificed himself. He went out every day and did something. We gotta do something every day. We gotta fight the power. Does anyone else understand what that means?

You gotta get up in the morning, you gotta put a public enemy, you gotta put a yarmulke on, you gotta salute the fucking flag and fucking pop an edible and take your chances. That's what I'm fucking saying. You gotta take your chances.

You know, it's very easy to become an artist when you have a trust fund. Become an artist when you're stabbing motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? I don't call myself an artist. I shit out a window in a hotel in Seattle. I lived in a fucking one bedroom on a floor with a towel,

with a phone, an 800 number, and people would put bets in there. I doubled and I took shits out the window because there was no showers, no bathroom. I had to walk to the end of the hallway. And if the lady was mopping, I didn't want her to know I was living in an office for 125 hours.

That's suffering right there, you know what I'm saying? So, I don't call myself my fucking self. What are we talking about here? For people who missed it, I told the story in the podcast today how you had a leg thing and you just dropped your pants while we were waiting over there.

You just did it and all of you guys missed it. What leg thing? You dropped your pants. It's not a leg thing. It's not like I got fucking malaria. I don't have nothing like that. I busted a blood vessel by my nutsack and the blood went down.

So, I woke up with a purple thing on my fucking leg. I didn't even know it was there. It doesn't even hurt. It doesn't bother me. What are we talking about my personal part? Anyway, we got a great guest tonight. We got a couple guests tonight. You know, I'm a fucking comedian, man.

That's all I am. I got felonies. There's nothing else I could do. I looked up, my wife made a list of things that I can't do because of a felony. There ain't shit left that I could do. I can't even be a fucking barber in most states if you have a felon.

Yeah, you can't be an embalmer. You can't be an undertaker. That's all I can do. So, I admired comedy. I got into this because I admired it. But I admired it because I was Cuban and I didn't understand the language. And I just saw this comic.

I heard him. I heard this comedian and it just destroyed my insides. And I'm a student of the game. And this guy's a teacher of the fucking game. So, give me some love. Give him some love. Mr. Rockwell of BC. What's up, Uncle Rockwell?

I can't follow you. You've been calling on the podcast and people have always loved you. You came in live for Beauty and the Beast. And once Omethilogic came on, it's so weird. Not about the prior talk? Yeah, I think about the prior documentary.

I think about George Kahn. But I also think about you. And I think about what you've done when I read your IMDB and all this stuff. And you've been in this town for how long? 40 years? Close. Can you fucking imagine?

Like, I've been here 16 years and I'm ready to fucking shoot myself. 40 fucking years of doing this. I mean, most people want to know how you make a marriage last. Right? Like, most people, oh, we love each other. And we tell each other we, you know, whatever.

How do you stay here for 40 years without losing your fucking mind? Who said I didn't lose my fucking mind? Well, you look good. And you're still in the game. Most people would quit. Most people would quit and move to Maryland and sold real estate.

Or had an acting school in fucking Connecticut. I'm fucking stupid. I'm stupid. I still do this. It's amazing how I feel the same way about myself sometimes. What else are we going to do? I have no idea.

I don't know what else to do. I wouldn't know. I've never had a job. Really? This is it. I don't know what a real job... I did have a real job. I got fired.

What kind of job was that? I worked at J.C. Pennies. And that was back in... When I was a kid going to school and I never could understand why I would spend half my fucking day stacking these shirts and nice stack and some stupid bitch would take the bottom

and pull it out. What the fuck is the problem with you? And the manager came over and said, you can't talk to people like that. I said, let me ask you a question, boss. You bring me in here at 7 o'clock in the morning. I stack the shit up and then some asshole pulls the bottom out.

What would you do if it was me? I would go and get my last check and go home. And he fired me. Now, I didn't know what I was going to do for a living, but my sister, my half-sister, God bless her, looked at my report card and said, holy shit, D minus, D minus, D, C minus, A in art and A in gym.

What the fuck are we going to do with him? They sent me to art school. I became a painter. Seriously. I paint. I've had, how many art shows? Four or five art shows? You don't even know that, do you?

No. No. So I painted for a long time, and then I got into television production. And I did set designing and graphic designing. And then, I was watching television one day, as a kid doing my homework, and I saw these, this funny black guy

on the Merv Griffin show. His name was Richard Pryor. Then I watched another funny guy on the Tonight Show, and his name was George Carlin. If you'd have told me that five or six or eight years later, I would actually be in this town working with the both of them. I would have told you, you were fucking nuts.

But that's how life happens, isn't it? Just things, you can't explain it. It just happens. And that's how I got into comedy. I worked out a music show called the Midnight Special. I don't think anybody have, maybe half the people here know what that was. What night was that on, the Midnight Special?

It went on after Johnny Carson. It was the first, it was a 90 minute rock show. And it was on NBC. And we had everybody on it. You named the band, they were on it. It was directed by a guy named Stan Harris who came from Variety Television. And he didn't understand rock and roll,

but he could cut music. I'll tell you a quick story. I'm standing in the hallway with the Doobie Brothers. And Stan says to Tom Johnson, how'd you get the name Doobie Brothers? He turns to his buddy and he goes, oh, I know, we were in London, and we were in a hotel.

And a police siren went by and went, Doobie, Doobie, Doobie, Doobie. And he fucking bought it. He had no idea what a Doobie was. You okay, Joey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I just... So, stop being anytime. I'll just keep going until you tell me what's going on.

No, no, no, no, that's what you're doing. Or until they tell me to get off. Wait, so can you explain for people who don't know, like... Hold on a minute, can the volume get turned on? I'm having, like, every... Just for Rocco and my manly, I can't... I'm fucking deaf, but I gotta hear it. So, can you explain what you did with them?

Because for people who don't know, you directed 10 George Carlin and how many of Priors? Well, I directed 10 Carlins. Okay. I met Richard on the Midnight Special. Okay. And I booked him on the Midnight Special. And the executive producer says,

if that fucking guy goes home, you're fired. Because, you know, you have a reputation not showing up. I was, like, 22, 23 years old. So I kept sitting in the dressing room, and he said, Motherfucker, what are you doing here? I said, the boss said, if you don't show up, I get fired, so I'm gonna make sure you go on fucking stage. And I bought him a bottle of Kovace.

And he looked at me, he laughed, went on the show. And then, about three or four years later, it was right when Saturday Night Live went on the air. If there's one person that I really envy and really have a greater respect for and hate is Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels has created a show

that's now part of the fabric of American culture. Saturday Night Live, whether you think it's funny today or not, that fucking show has produced some of the most amazing talent ever. So I'm watching Saturday Night Live, I'm getting stoned, and I go, how come I'm not producing that show? I gotta do something, I gotta do something, something. I know, I'm gonna ask what your prayer is if you want to do television. So, I went to the comedy store,

hung out for about three, four weeks, every night, I'd be backstage, you remember me from midnight. And then one day, I said, mother fucker, what do you want? I said, will you do a primetime special? I said, go sell it. So I went to my old boss, NBC picked up the special. I couldn't be the producer of it because I didn't have any producing credit. So they made me the head writer,

and my partner was Alan Thicke. Alan Thicke, the father of Robin Thicke. So Alan Thicke and I were the writing partners, and we were a disaster. But there was a guy named Paul Mooney, that Richard thought Paul and I should write the show together. So all the other writers would write shit, Paul and I were, we were cooking, we were just snapping.

So here's the thing that got me over the top. I went to Richard and I said, I want to book the pips. He said, do you mean Gladys Night in the pips? I said, no, just the pips. Fuck Gladys. So, I called up Bubba Knight, who I'd worked with on midnight special, he said, Bubba, it's Rocko. What up, brother, I want to book you and the guys to do a Richard. What about Gladys? Fuck Gladys.

I just see you guys. They flew to LA, they had the charts, and we did drum roll. Ladies and gentlemen, the Richard Pryor presents and the pips. And they did midnight praying to Georgia, all the backing track with our Gladys singing lead. She's too much for the man. You know she's leaving,

leaving on that midnight train to Georgia. So on that show is John Belushi. And there was a guy named Falstaff Wilde, remember him? No. Well, the opening of the prior special was a slave ship. And Belushi was throwing a whip, whipping all these black guys and all these slaves. And here comes Falstaff Wilde.

Falstaff Wilde was probably the most over-the-top gay comedian ever. So he comes running in and he goes, oh, captain, oh, captain, they want another one, right? Another what? We smoked a lot on midnight, on Richard Pryor. We smoked a lot. So Richard was a slave. And Belushi picks him and they take him

and they throw him out in the hallway of NBC and that's how he gets his first special. He's walking down the hallway and he meets all these people that are going to be on this show, right? So we're standing in the hallway and we're blocking. And down the hall they were doing a sitcom with Billy Barty. You people don't know who Billy Barty was. Back in the day we called them midgets, right?

Now they're little people, they're little people. I don't think Billy Barty was taller than this. You know we, man? Jack asked me that. About the same size. So he wasn't very big, but he was very, very heavy working acting, worked all the time. So I'm in the hallway like this.

I'm talking to Richard and here comes Billy Barty running down the hallway like this. And he yanks on Richard's jacket. And Richard turns around and Billy goes, hey Richie, how you doing? And Richard says, hey Billy, have you bumped into any good pussy lately? Have you bumped? Have you bumped into any good pussy lately?

Now, let's analyze that joke and how long it took. Five seconds. This is the brilliance of the man. Do you realize in five fucking seconds that that guy painted a picture for you that's so hilarious? Have you bumped into any good pussy lately? Have you gotten any good pussy? Have you bumped into any good pussy?

But we gotta go back to something real quick here guys. A lot of you guys are younger. You know, you have an iPhone, you have a fucking computer, you have all this shit in your house. But think about it. Every time you pictured a boat on NBC with John Belushi whipping black dudes on fucking prime time. You motherfuckers will never see that on prime time.

But we have all these things. We're supposed to be so high tech and we're supposed to be in society that's free and all this shit. You know, I watch a lot of whatever that fucking is. Nickelodeon, not Nickelodeon, the other fucking one where they show the old shows. And every once in a while they slip with Archie Bunker or whatever. You could never play that shit now.

You could never get away with that. Belushi with no shirt, whipping black people on a fucking boat. I want you to close your eyes and think about that, you fucks. Next time you watch Modern Family and you see the two gay guys and you're like, oh my god, that's so cutting-edge. Oh my god, how do they write that shit? Fuck you motherfuckers. Fuck you all.

Fuck you all. How about this? I'm watching that shit. It's making you soft, you fucks. You're right. How about this? How about this, Joey? We fucked a good man.

Now this is 1977. So now George Lucas gives us all the characters from the Star Wars. All the characters. And we do a thing called Star Wars Bar. And Richard played this character called Mudball. There's a shoe shat guy. You would never get this on television. So all the characters over in the bar and one of the Star Wars characters

the guy looked like he had a bull head, big snorted nose and big lips and Mudball bumps into him and the bull goes and Richard says, you look like a nigger I knew in Detroit. That went on primetime television. And that's 1971. So that's what? That's 30 to 20 fucking three and 13 is fucking... I gotta do math, old school.

What the fuck? I'm an old drug dealer. I gotta think how to move, you know what I'm saying? You know what Dave Chappelle said? What's that? We did a salute to Pryor at the Yasmin Comedy Festival. Dave Chappelle came up to you later and said, How in the fuck did you get that on TV?

I said, I'll tell you why. Richard was the 100,000 pound gorilla. They were so fucking afraid of him. They were terrified. Terrified of him. And they would call me up and they would kind of go, You know you can't have Richard click. I hung up on him.

Richard click. So they come to you and say, You have to have Richard Pryor do an opening monologue in the show. It's a must. I said, you want me to get Richard Pryor to open a show with a monologue? Okay. So I got a rich. They want you to open a show with a monologue.

He starts laughing. He says, okay. I'm going to sing. There's no business like show business at the end of the monologue. And then have Mooney hit me with a pie. Right? In the control booth at NBC. All the executives.

They're all excited. Right? Richard opens up. He says, sorry I'm late. But a white girl was sucking my dick in the parking lot. No. From there, it didn't get any better. So at the end of the monologue, he goes, this is so brilliant.

He was at the other point, like, there's no business like show. Right? We cut the opening. This is how the opening was. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Richard Pryor's show. There's no business like no. And the monologue was cut out, of course, because he knew it. That was his opening line and the NBC's executives.

I thought the compliances and practices person was going to die. That was her opening line. I'm sorry I'm late, but a white bitch was sucking my dick in the parking lot. Well, what about what he ended up walking off the show for? Which I saw on that documentary. That was on the naked opening. Yeah, the naked with no dick opening. Okay, I'll go real quickly.

So we're trying to... Joey, you have to appreciate that this is how I broke in the show business. I'm crazy. This is crazy. No, this was my first... By the way, this is my first network job. My first producing job in the network was Richard Pryor's show. I was 24.

Okay, so now watch this. Richard calls me up. He says, we have to have an opening for the show. And I'm thinking about doing Frankenstein. You bring in a white guy and me, and we transpose our brains. And I get up and I sound like a white guy. So we come in the next day and we start to write it. It's not going anywhere.

He used to call me like two in the morning. And I got this call. He goes, Rocco, it's Richie. Yeah, what's up, Richie? Can you get somebody to make me look like a mannequin? Yeah. Richard Baker, whose world-renowned makeup artist was working on Star Wars, came in and this is what we did.

Richard was completely in the studio. We had him propped up like this. He had a pair of shorts. They put a body makeup on him so he looked like he had no dick and no balls. He looked like a mannequin. And this is how the show opened. I remember it because I wrote it with him. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Richard Pryor Show. You know, a lot has been said about me doing television. Richard, you shouldn't do television. You don't have to give up everything. Well, that's ridiculous. I'm standing here naked. And I've given up absolutely nothing. No balls, no dick.

Let's go on with the show, right? Richard Pryor Show is going to premiere with that opening on it. That was the premiere of the show? Yeah. I get a phone call. I get a phone call from Dick Ebersol. Dick Ebersol became the president of NBC Sports. He said, the network wants you to cut out the opening.

They find it too offensive. I said, does Richard know this? He says, absolutely. Okay. I call Richard up and I say, Richard, why are you editing out the opening? So what the fuck are you talking about? See, if I hadn't called him and I did it,

I wasn't too smart, but I was smart enough for that. He went fucking ballistic and he quit. It was a big press conference. I didn't take it out. Somebody else had to cut it out. Now, here's the thing about censorship that I really enjoy. Do you realize if they left that fucking thing alone on Richard's show, which is against Laverne and Shirley in happy days,

he actually sent Gary Marshall a telegram, Gary, can you cancel happy days in Laverne and Shirley so somebody watch my fucking show today? So they cut it out. It's on CBS. It's on NBC. It's on ABC. It's a press conference.

Richard Pryor quit the show over that naked opening, over censorship. And what I find interesting about censorship is we all know sitting in this room, if it wasn't for Lenny Bruce saying, go fuck the government, we wouldn't be having this conversation anyway. You fucking imagine that guy?

We've got to remember Lenny Bruce, Lenny Bruce died for our sins, folks. You've got to check out Lenny Bruce. There's not a comedian I haven't worked with Pryor, Carlin, Jamie Foxx, whoever they are, he will tell you to the person. That guy fell on the sword for all of us.

He did. So for people who don't know, he was a comedian and he went to jail for saying fuck on a comic club. Yeah, he said fuck on stage one night and the rest of them. And then he went to court and he represented himself. He did. He defended himself in court and he lost.

Listen, guys, because he had to read something. Like the judge said, so what did you say? And he's like, suck my dick, suck my dick, suck my dick. And if you read it, like when you read it, it's so far out there, guys, I didn't know what I was going to do with my fucking book. I ain't got a lot of you guys.

I didn't have no idea what I was going to do with my life. And the first book I read when I got locked up was on Wings and Eagles. That was the book of about Ross Perot. How he got this fucking mercenaries when he went to Iran and he said, I'm my dick got hard when I read that. And then two weeks later, the book guy came along

and I just pulled out this Lenny Bruce. There's a couple of them, but I booked the one when he used to do heroin and live at the hotel in New York. He lived at this fucking Chelsea hotel in New York and he'd go there at night after he did comedy and there'd be hookers and jazz musicians and he'd do heroin. Are you fucking kidding me?

That's the life I wanted. Fuck going home. I was getting low on order with some fucking fag. Do you know the man waking up with a fucking thing around your arm and shit, some chick dead next to you? That's living. That's living in that dead cheese burger. That's what I'm talking about right there.

We get up, ah, ah, ah. We hit the alarm. Richard Lewis was at the club the night he got arrested. He's got a picture in his house of Lenny Bruce being escorted away by the police. Isn't that amazing? He was there the night he got arrested. And no fucking cell phone.

No. You follow me, so that's balls, right? Not texting, that's for sure. No, nothing. When you took a picture in 1954 of some chick's pussy, you were sharp. You know what I'm saying? You were sharp.

You showed up with a picture of some chick finger banging herself. That's a sharp fucking guy right there. He talked her into it and said, stay right there. I'm going to go to the car and get the camera. Don't fucking move. And you know how many times have you had a chick ready to suck your dick and you forgot something in the car.

When you come back, it's all over. She sees a picture of the boyfriend or the grandmother. She hears that song and it's all over. Now you got to start from scratch again. I remember one time, I swear I got to tell these guys a story. It's a Thanksgiving story tomorrow. You can tell your family. I swear to my mother's.

It's a holiday story. Tremendous. This is 1999. Guys, I'm all fucked up on block. I am fucked up at this time. I went out to do comedy to make money, to buy cocaine, and go home and jerk off and look out a window. That was it. And every once in a while, I went bumping to a victim

at El Compadre. And I'm an ugly dude. It's tough for me to pick up chicks, but with a grandma coke, I'm a fucking, I'm Brad Pitt, dawg. You give me a grandma coke? I'll lure you back to the house, dawg. And I'll close you before, because you're not doing no... I would close you at the bar.

Listen, I got to rock a coke in here, but if we go back to the house and you do coke, I'm going to put you to work. And they're looking at her. What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about? You're going to suck. They got to do something. There ain't no freebies at my house.

And they would look at me. I would close them and they'd say, I don't know. Well, next, I'll find the victim. At El Compadre on Sunset, you'll find somebody to suck your dick at three in the morning. If you got a good rock and coke,

and you also have aspirin on the side, you cut a couple of bear aspirin, just in case. You know what I'm saying? She gets too chatted. You got to slow that bitch down. Once they talk, talking about the uncle and the mother, hold on, I got to give her some bear aspirin. So, I swear to God,

Rock, we're going to love this. I go to a lab factory, and Paul Rodriguez is on stage, and he's arguing with this chick who is so fucking hot guys. She's 22, 23, and I'm looking at her. And I can tell, I had like a couple of bumps that morning, because I would never do coke before I went on stage.

I wanted it out of my system like 12 hours. So I did it like at 8.30, so I was good. You know what I'm saying? I had like a 9.20 spot, so I was good. But I still had that free cocaine radar when you're looking for a victim. You could see it. You could see them.

They're emotionally broken. So I go into the lab factory, they throw this chick out. I got like maybe two grand, two lines of coke in this bundle, and $8. I ain't got a lot of your people. And that's when I was the strongest. When I was running low,

that's when I could close anybody on anything. You understand me? Listen, give me an eight ball. I'll be back at eight in the morning. I'm getting this checked in the government. I killed these Indians. Oh, I could fucking close you, right? So she gets thrown out, and I'm talking to her.

I got a spot. I'm like, fuck this spot. I got this check. I'm like, you want to do a line? I give her like a little control line. But she's going, you know? And she's telling me she's a computer programmer. But after two or three lines and a beard,

she breaks down, I'm really a stripper. I'm thinking of going to computer school, right? Rocko, I swear to God. So listen to me. She finally signed up for some computer course, and the state of Seattle sent her down to LA, and she was staying at a hotel downtown. So we're going back and forth, guys.

I'm down to eight dollars, and the car is on minus E. You know what I'm saying? When the air is not working and shit, the lights don't even go on no more. You're like... Because you're a good audience. I'm going to tell you guys this story. I don't tell this to you.

I don't tell this to just white Christians and shit. So I'm throwing fucking heat at this bitch. I'm closing her, right? I got her. We're going back to a hotel. She's telling me about her boyfriend, but I don't give a fuck. I got a line of coke in my pocket.

I'm closing her with that line of coke. I'm going to sacrifice. This chick was banging, and I had to take a chance Columbus did. We get to the hotel. I parked the car. I got this beat-up fucking Toyota mixed with a Hyundai. The mix was something else.

It's like a mud of cars. They put it together somewhere. I run up to the hotel. We open the house, and I spent $6 on beer, and we got there. She had those fucking refrigerator filled with booze. I was pissed right there.

I was putting the Budweiser back in my pocket for later. Now, my plan was when we went to the liquor store, she may believe she didn't want no dick, so she went for her wine, and this bitch had a couple of hundreds. And right there, I said, no, no, I got it. But right there, I was paying for it.

In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, this bitch is going down. You understand? I'm going to mug this motherfucker somewhere along the line. It's how crazy I was, guys. So I go back to the hotel. We're swapping spit. I'm sucking the titties.

I get her pants off, and that's the clothes. Let me eat that pussy. I'm going to suck the uterus out. I'm going to lick your asshole. And I get the one gene off, the one leg off, because she's got money in that pants. She's holding onto it for dear Lord.

She don't trust me either, right? So I'm eating her pussy, but I'm trying to pickpocket her at the same time. And it's 20 after 12, the coke dealer closes at one at Los Feliz. So I'm racing against the clock here. That adds, that's pressure right there. I'm sucking that pussy, and I'm eating her ass.

I don't want to make noises and shit. And every three minutes, she pop up and push me away. My boyfriend. I got a start from scratch. I already had a hump. I had about a hoof. You know when you got your fingers under that?

And it's going, and you're picking them up. Oh my God, it was a pumpkin. Hormed up thinking about it, right? And this time I'm going through a pockets, but I'm getting dollar bills. I'm like, what happened to the fucking hundreds? I'm trying to rob this bitch, right?

And I'm eating that monkey, and she's popping up. I'm racing against the clock. It's quarter to one, and I can't find that hundred dollar bill. I was going for like three or four of them. If I could just get one, my party's complete.

And I finally go in, and I take a hundred dollar bill out, and right there I put it in my pocket, and I just pop up. She was popping, and I was going, so I go, did you put a quarter in the meter? She goes, no I didn't. I'm only going to take it.

I'll be right back. Damn. I got on that 101. You should have seen me in that fucking car. On minus C. I made it all the way to Lord's Release, to the guy's house by like one minute to fucking one. What the coke?

Rob the chick. And that's it. You know, I know if you're good about that story, but it's a good Thanksgiving story for you guys. So I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. I'll be right back.

Damn. I got on that 101. You should have seen me in that fucking car. On minus C. It's a good Thanksgiving story for you guys. I just want to point something out to you. Joey, I don't have to blow her up his ass. You know, I've known him a long time.

But Joey is really unique, you know, in that he comes up with concepts on his feet and just, you know, rock and rolls. And then that's a real talent. It's separate from somebody who, Richard was more like you. You know, he's got a lot of concepts, right? Suck a girl's tit,

find some coke, and fill in the dots. Fill in the dots. Yeah. George, on the other hand, wrote every word verbatim exactly the way he wrote it. And I'll tell you something that was marvelous.

Before we used to do an HBO special, we used to go on a road with him. And he would do an hour, hour and 15 minutes. HBO would require the show to be 5830. Now they run over. But back in the day, 5830. By the time he walked on stage,

and I was like, I'd be in Colorado Springs with him, and then we'd go to Elmira in New York, and by the time he got to the Beacon Theater, on Friday for the dress rehearsal, the show was close to 5830. When he walked on stage on Saturday Night Live, he said,

Good night, ladies and gentlemen, at 5830. To the goddamn second. Now, it's marvelous that he would work that anally, and be that viscerally brilliant, and you guys take concepts, and you have so much confidence in the journey you're going to take,

that you just take the moment and just turn it into... It's two different ways of work, but they're both brilliant. And you're one of the best at it, Joe. Thank you, brother. Thank you. It's so weird. It's so weird to...

It's so weird when he said, Paul Mooney, before, I'm not lying to you guys. When he said Paul Mooney, my fucking spine got electrocuted, because before I moved from Seattle to LA, I bought that album, Race. Yeah.

Just picked it up, and I was fucking blown the fuck away. I was like, this is... It just blew my head. And I didn't know where I would see him. I never heard of this guy before. I wasn't computer savvy. I didn't know about Wikipedia.

I don't know Dick. I just thought he was a black comic. I didn't know how old he was. And I would get to the comedy store, guys. And guys, look, let's get this shit out of the way. I never had confidence or nothing. I'm just a fucking lose. I was like, Richard, I had nowhere else to go.

So I kept going to the fucking comedy store. You have nothing to do. You got to do whatever gets you to the fucking dance. But I remember going home, San Francisco. Comedy scene had a magazine in it in those days. A newspaper that came out monthly. And at the end was all the comedy clubs in the country. And I would go home at night

when I had like eight minutes of material and circled the comedy clubs. I hoped to play at one day. And I would just cry, because I knew I wasn't good enough. So I bought this Paul Mooney album, and I get to the comedy store in LA. And now I see Paul Mooney meet him.

But here's what gets worse, guys. This guy that I thought was a brilliant comic, Mitzi Shaw would always put me to follow him. You have no fucking idea, guys. Let me ask you guys a question. Did you imagine the show started at 9.30? Can you imagine if I called you at 8.30 and told you when you were coming down here tonight,

I was going to tie you up and put a pipe up your ass. And you imagine, and you drove here, would you drive here still? Would you fucking drive here? How many of you motherfuckers would drive here? If I called you and said at 9.30, I'm going to put a pipe up your ass. Not the whole pipe, just three inches.

It's going to be okay. Would you get on the fucking HOV lane and fucking drive here by yourself? You understand me, guys? I would go to the comedy store knowing I was going to die. Like, knowing, I'm going to go up there, and I could stay up and write for two fucking days, and knowing I was going to die.

And I did this for like six months. And one day I said something to him. Paul, how do I stop bombing in front of you? How do I stop thinking about bombing in front of you? He goes, take the doing good homie. And my life changed, guys. My life changed. Like, he just broke it down for me.

One fucking second. Another time I went up to him, I said, Paul, how do you write? What do you do when you're in a slump? And he goes, you got to go out and get entertained. He goes, when you get entertained, he'll bring out the creative in you. And he's one of my idols. And one time I saw him in Hollywood,

and he was in his convertible. And I was with my girlfriend on Hollywood Boulevard. And all of a sudden I hear, Cuba. Cuba. And I look, and it's Paul Mooney, and he looks at me and he goes, go home. Just because you're Cuban, it still means you're a nigger. And he made a U-turn and took off. So, you know, guys, for me,

this has just been like a dream come true, that when you talk about these guys, you never got to do nothing with Richard Pryor. I saw him one time, but I grew up on two of those, three or four of those albums that just put me here. And I appreciate you bringing us to life and keeping it real, though. Well, I got, I don't know.

My girlfriend put it best. I was talking to one of that, and I said, I don't even know how I wound up working with... Being so lucky to work with Pryor and Karlin, she said, I have an answer for you. When you work with Richard, he trusted you because you were young and innocent. When you worked with George,

he trusted you because you weren't. And there's very truth to that. George got me at a time when I had worked with Richard. I had worked with SCTV. I did two big specials with Lily Tomlin. I worked with Robin. And by the time I got to George, I was kind of more seasoned.

But here's what George never forgot. I booked George Karlin on the Midnight Special. I booked his brother Pat to write two specials for me. I booked George on the old Steve Allen show, the last one that he did, because he needed work. This guy doesn't forget. I'm driving down Wilshire Boulevard, and it says at the Lawsworth Theater,

it says, George Karlin. I buy a ticket, I go see a show. I hadn't seen George Karlin in five, six years, seven years. The show is over. I'm standing in the hallway. He gives me a hug. He says, how would you like to do my next HBO special? And I did ten of them.

Wow. Now, I don't even know how that happens. When I did one, I never thought I'd do two. When I did two, I used to get calls saying, don't do anything. January 11th of next year. Now, I got to tell you, in all the years I worked with him and Richard,

do you know I never had one bad confrontation? Never. And I think the secret is, even if I was working with you, what does an artist want? The most important thing an artist wants, honesty and trust. If something isn't working, and I tell you,

I don't think it's working, it's my job to tell you why I don't think it's working. If you still want to do it, then you take responsibility for it. But for me not to say anything, and you walk on stage, and you bombs, and then when you come off, I say, well, I was going to tell you that wasn't going to work.

You should fire me. That's bullshit. And I think a lot of problems that comedians have, and artists have in general, is that we live in a world of bullshit. It's all bullshit, folks, all of it. All of it's bullshit. And what you're trying to find is your little piece of the universe,

your little piece that you can extrapolate your voice and do what you've got to do among the bullshit, right? And I watch Sarah Silverman special, and I've got to tell you, that little girl has grown immensely. It's very hard to be a pretty girl, and people take you seriously. It's hypocrisy. She's really grown.

Maybe someone grow like that. I get kind of like excited about it, because we all know how tough the journey is. You know what I'm talking about. I remember Richard Pryor told me once, you got to knock on his door. He was a big fan of Bill Cosby's, and he was appearing somewhere,

I think the original improv in New York, and Cosby came into his dressing room and said, stop doing my fucking act. You know, he didn't even know he was doing Cosby. You know, and look what he did for him. He changed and did whatever he did. You're talking about the three great ones, you're talking about Lenny, Richard, and George.

Am I right? You're right. Lee, what questions you got for the man on steel? You're sitting there mesmerizing. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. What's up, little brother? what's happening? It's just... You want a Chiba Choo?

I already got. Let's go. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. I got two today now. Relax, boo! This morning I gave him a half. He cut it in half, and he cut in half, and he cut it in half again,

And he had a drink of water, and juice, and milk, and he squinted like that, like, and then he came, oh no, I can't, and then again I go eat a piece, the fucking kid cut it with a knife from, he took it, cut it again in half, and then the other people, you know, he'll do it like this, and then blow the one piece under his armpit. No you don't, it's called a decadose because there's ten doses. It's not a decadose, it's a single dose, this is 70 hits. Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Lee! Yeah! I hate you so much. Joey had me watch a mythologic.

I don't think you guys realize, and I understand the night before Thanksgiving. No. But the guy, the comedian's now doing one special, doing it for no one. Can you explain what an HBO special was... how many specials did you do? 20?

15! Somewhere around I did See Jimmy Fox Roseanne Billy Crystal Paul Rodriguez And these are all for HBO Yeah, well, you know a few people don't know HBO as a comic is it That's the fucking it. That's it. That's Trump's Comedy Central that Trump's fucking Nuvo TV

That Trump's fucking everything showtime that Trump's fucking everything that is that is the Kremlin Kremlin That is it, you know, that's when you take your dick of your breath, but You just take your dick out and go like that make believe it's not up and wait for the first victim to get hypnotized And that's what the HBO is that's your dream. So in the 80s They were they were the they were the land 80s. I would say early 80s about just 90s HBO was the home for stand-up car. That's it. Not anymore. They don't do it anymore because they're Quite frankly, they did Sarah

But there's not that many. I mean they would do Eddie is early to be called up. They would do, you know Klein they would do They would do Seinfeld probably would still do Ricky Surveys or something like that, but back there on the day they they're I did a special with Sandra Bernhardt Right. So what they what they would do? I don't mean that was I didn't mean it with the stain I'm just saying that they they want to do a special with you. They were bold enough to say You know Chris Albrecht when he called me up. He said I heard this this comedian named Roseanne, you know, she is and I said, yeah She's working out. So he said go see her

So it be used to be this simple. I call Chris up and go, you know what? She's really great. Let's do a special with her It doesn't work like that anymore. You know, it's it's just too much Too much corporate interference and too much thinking. Yeah, you know, it's not an exact science If somebody is fine at funny They would put them on TV You would think so and we were on Joey was on Greg Fitzsimmons podcast a week or so ago and he invited me to go Just I think so we could use the HOV lane, but But he invited me to go and

Greg was nice enough to have me to have me in and talk and he said what's the hardest part about working with Joey and I really thought about it and if I wanted to be Successful, there's a lot of easier comics to work with. There are a lot of comics who could grab a comedy central special And once a year they they're they have to elaborate on that just for a second. Well, like there are comics who are more Commercially friendly. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There was an easier path to take if I was trying to be a millionaire or just something like that But the I like there's no bad. Everyone's in a while. Joey and I will have a hell you owe me about Thomas But other than that You don't like hummus either. Thank you, sir. I

Hate that shit with all my fucking heart You could say that about every comedian I mentioned He's you know, exactly my point. Yeah, there's but there's nothing I have such a great relationship with him And I think the same reason Richard liked you is that why he likes me And because I'm funny on the edibles, but like what do you have any bad things this is like what was it? I can't imagine Working with like it must have been hard after Richard lit himself on fire and like all that like you wrote you wrote Joe Joe Dancer with him the movie. Yes, which is the story of him after he lit himself on fire

After after those monks let himself on fire. It was the last time any of you motherfuckers lit yourself on fire Not even fucking around you won't even let your toenail It wasn't it was he was free-basin So it's just I mean, I can't do you have any like regrets like do you wish you had Worked with a comedian who might maybe still like if you had worked with let's say Seinfeld He's still going out Like you but you wouldn't have like all these fun stories and like I don't think you'd have like the same relationship Cuz I'd like to I'd like to I know Jerry. Well, I would like to work with Chappelle really. Oh, yeah

You know, I hear see I I I I guess we It's got to be dangerous What the work? If it's not gonna be dangerous, where's the fun? You don't want to you know, you want to be I Can always speak for me. I don't want to work with somebody that's gonna be so pristine and great Even though they're great you quite you want a little bit of the edge You want to know that maybe it's not gonna quite work

You want to have the ability to be with someone who appreciates some input not always agreeing with you Right. I had a I had a tremendous disagreement with Richard on the first card of Jojo dancer and he told me not to come back. I Told him what I thought he was very upset with me and it hurt me. I was sitting at home for three weeks And I yeah, and my phone rang. He said motherfucker come back here So, you know, I mean and when I came back and to be quite honest with you I Was never happy with the final cut of Jojo dancer because Columbia If you look if the original cut was on was released I'd be much happier

But you get mixed you get you start to get in that that that mix master of the corporate Film Mentality and they start to road you and think about marketing and how to make it more palatable for the viewing audience And it's your first movie and you want to be able to play that down I'm talking about for me now Just for me because the guy who wrote it with them, but a lot of people think the movies fantastic Yeah, I loved I watched it when you when he had you on Beauty and the Beast I watched it It's uh, I don't I don't think the movies. I don't think I don't think it was not good

I'm just saying if you could have been in the screening room and saw the first cut Yeah, for they started the mess with it. I'd be personally much happier I'm I love my names on it and I love the fact that I was was part of something very special I wrote that I wrote that movie with him and Hannah That's crazy. Well, you look worried in a couple months in Hawaii. Yeah, it's been too much And Hannah's the most boring fucking place you can ever go to There's nothing to do with Hannah. I'm telling you it's pineapples and fucking I used to play basketball It's at the Samoans and they said and when after I got done I went to the shower

I'd black and blue all over here play basketball with Samoans They're like bricks they don't move You got some time Whatever you want me to stay right there stay right there I got another guest. I want to bring up here. You ready dog You ready dog Want to come up and say hello Come on up. I got another guest from the podcast

Mr. Salubot Get a chair over there a little brother That's a not your club check this motherfucker Shit my life inside the New York Mafia by South I can't fucking see without my glasses. What's going on, dog? I got him. I got him in my pocket. Don't worry about nothing Is this guy a bowl of energy or what? The fucking testosterone ladies and gentlemen, I'm off that shit fuck more energy. I had more energy being me I don't need no fucking injection every week and everybody every time I go to testosterone

They're all the same. They got a bunch of old guys that are yoked up with a wig on Why be yoked up you got your wig on twisted It's great to be here brother five five years ago I wrote a script about 15 years ago and five years ago. I'm casting and there's a couple of parts, you know so peripheral parts and We're casting for a guy who's going to be the bar owner who's getting Extorted by the Tommy D. Simone character, which was really played by Pesci in good fellas Which was one of my crime partners back in the 70s

So we're gonna cast and this guy's gonna read the sides, you know for the part He comes in he doesn't read a damn word of the sides just gets totally carried away and I go this guy is great and He's acting like an Italian. I had no clue. He was Cuban had no clue. He was a statin I thought he was in Brooklyn, you know, yeah, Jersey same shit a different smell. So we just give We give him the pot he was great, I mean, and that's how we sort of became friends, uh we came friends after that and Got the movie completed

From the movie. It's kind of strange. I did the opposite Simon shoots to give me a book deal so this book just came out recently and It's going to television, I don't know who's gonna take it, but it's got all the real characters in it And I guess Joey was had some connection with Italian family growing up, right? Seven fucking great teacher Seven fucking great the guy the first time I met him why I knew he was I got left back And when you get left back, you know, I felt dumb enough But this is what they do instead of putting in the eighth grade where I belong they put you in the other seventh grade class

And he was the teacher and he's like, how you doing? You got summer school this year. You're gonna fail. You know that, right? So I got so pissed off. He left his car keys on top of that So I took the keys on the way out and threw him in the dumpster fuck He's walking up my hill you motherfucker So he became friends and we got he told the story today about a tea a time that a teacher didn't want to And one of the guys father's came in and put a gun to the teacher said later on in life Well, my mother thought I lived with them for a while and it's just so weird that I see the little things going on But then

You know, I mean even if you grew up here, you know today there was something and then good would there was a shooting When you're part of a neighborhood, you know the different things in the neighborhood, you know, you know where to go I mean you have a Spanish girlfriend now. Yeah, and when you go picking her up, but ain't fucking the Eiffel Tower was this Guadalajara central It's fucking training day the black guy with the They shot training day there they shot training day there is an able black drug dealers were sitting on a turned over Shopping cart from the 99 cent store and it scares the shit out of me I had to do it. I look good like there were six of them And they just sat on a fucking torn driver shopping cart just staring at me because I don't belong in that

Every neighborhood has the element, you know who it is and in these coats, it's even more, you know where to go You know, we're not to go every once in a while your mom will give you a piece of paper with three numbers on it 179 with a five dollar bill in there Go up to the corner tell them it's for me You go up there give it to the guy and the guy says thank you after a while you realize that's an illegal lottery And so on and so forth, you know, but then the state lotteries came in and pick six all that shit went away, you know Here we go captain giggles day goes So Saturday night I stay in I watch shark tank whatever the fuck is on Saturday night

And we're gonna cut the CD we're gonna go over and I go over there and we got a half of a cheapo chew And I go Lee it's Saturday night late. Let your wig down I go eat half the fucking thing and then we'll go get some tacos from the Mexican guy I'll like this you can't go wrong. He only comes out twice like freaks come out at night The taco guy only comes out Fridays and Saturday South if you ever up like 1215 right on Lancasham He makes the hot dogs with the fucking rip bacon around them tremendous Lee loves it Lee goes crazy when he goes down it His head gets up early

High as shit down there. I give me edible. We go down there. I give him the hot dog I go that's the night we ran into this fucking stink bomb We ran into three of the stinkiest men. I've ever smelt in my life I don't want to say what nationality were they had to sweat the onion and they poured cologne over it Oh my god that fucking rank onion and when I got out of the car They were 10 feet away from me and they were next to a hot dog cart that was cooking hot dogs We're baking around them with onions and peppers and their onion was stronger than the onion I'm the grill and it was already deluded with cologne and it was let me tell you some guys

I'm not even being funny. It was that body odor that actually you feel bad for I looked at the fucking hot dog man. It was like can you fucking believe these three They fucking stunk terrible They stunk horrible you couldn't even and then let me tell you had no class at the end the poor Mexican guys out there with his wife This is how he fucking they had a tray of cucumbers that's out there complimentary with a fucking thing The guy didn't even care with his stinky fucking armpit fingers He took a cucumber ate it and winked at the Mexican family and they just and you know 20 years ago I would have hit him with a stick now

What are you gonna do and listen to me just a thought I went home as I was getting home My friend called me goes, you know those three stinky guys They got into a fight they got beat up on Lancashire and some guy took his shirt off and lit it on fire like don't come back They and this this was sad that these three guys went out Stinking like that thinking that they were gonna stink like pussy listen again. I'm not trying to be funny each of them had body odor Once you get in the car, don't you go? It stinks in here is that me? No, you know, it's all fucking three of us Let's go through a fucking car wash something

It's just and they thought they were gonna pick pussy up. That's the sad fucking thing They put that without blow at least with blow you got a chance I'll go home with you, but you gotta take a shower. I'll take a shower. All right Let's take a shower with these so they got beat up and so wait now you're being a lot calmer than you actually were I drive really slow when I'm high like I have the system like three pumps and a break But anyways, I got there after you and I love getting places after you because I could tell when I pulled up You already pacing back and forth. Oh, I was furious of the stink I don't know what it was saying, but like like you call them like a punta compadre or something

Oh, these guys smell bad. He was yelling. No, it's Spanish when you smell something It means best day like in a town is based up bright boots, whatever I kept saying get better compadre because that's it took me to regress me rat to be in like a Spanish getting Cuba Like that better compadre. Okay, but they're like I was Good you put okay, but they come by and they go away. Oh, yeah, they got a good you tomorrow Imagine it 12 30 in the morning fucking emotional in front of a hot dog stand saying that to myself. I was saying to myself And I kept looking at the Mexican guy goes And I feel like these three stink bombs would get the hint that maybe pesta a pesta

You know, I got a bee in Spanish and they figured it out. Oh, I'm stinky. No, they went into the club like the 70s I'm not live with a groin And Stinkies whatever that club is skinnies Skinnies ain't no fucking it ain't no palace. I mean there was probably other people that had stunk But these guys won the contest that night Nobody I've stunk these fucking guys. I'm so sorry You know, we talk about what's real. Yeah, it's very real. This is in our heart. You know what I'm saying

So what's going on little box? Tell me something good. No, just working on some new material in the script follow-up. Okay, you know Before you were a writer tell these people what you did. It's not like you're just a Hollywood writer Well, I was born and raised in the mob. He learned a lot grew up with a guy named John Gotti Yeah in the 60s and 70s before anybody heard of his name I opened up a little illegal gambling joint in 1972 and Gotti came out of prison. The first place he came was that place Sinatra Club And the mob was the entire New York mob was that war in those days in 1972 and families didn't interact They just were really, you know paranoid about who was going to take over the city because you know, there was just

killings all the time and The Sinatra Club you uniquely enough. I was friends with Jimmy Burke That was the character that Da Nero played in Goodfellas and I was involved with the Colombo family and then Gotti came out He was involved with the Gambino family and ironically we had guys from each family would come there and gamble but the rule was no guns and this went on for quite a while for a couple of years and Trust me when I tell you when John Gotti get out of jail We had to loan him 50 bucks to play in that game in that card game and in those days There was you know, there was no

There was no off-track betting no casinos Atlantic City It was five years before Atlantic City. Of course that club served as a meeting spot For all types of crime. You knave it. We did it Of course, I was a bank robber and a hijacker. That's what I did in the 70s and I worked with both families and Lots of funny stuff. I took about the most incredible things that happened. I mean One time we were hijacking trucks out of the airport like you saw in Goodfellas and we hit so many Italian shipments at JFK that we robbed the truck like Took it back to the building and opened it up had the buyer come in and it was like thousands of shoes

It was all laid out and when the buyer came in he opened up the shoes and he said wow, these are great shoes We got one problem. The entire truckload was left. I Mean the Italians got smart they ship the left some mud truck and the rights of the other You talk about funny funny things, right? We're talking this is for real I mean we did these hijackings and and of course there was another time when we took like a couple thousand suits And we had him in a big building and John Gotti came in and Tommy de Simone was picking his suits And of course in those days it was polyester the ugliest colors You know this plastic suits, you know sort of like plaid and Tommy had laid out a couple of suits

And then Gotti had a couple of suits and all of a sudden Gotti looked at Tommy He didn't like him and he goes you can't have that suit. Give me that suit He turned to another guy to give me a scissor he cut the suit up The one that Tommy had he says nobody wears what I wear a few years later He had gotten a brand new Lincoln and he saw someone else had a Lincoln He told another guy go steal that Lincoln and chop it up. Nobody drives the same car I did naturally that was in the 70s by the time he got out of prison the third time He sat in the backseat of the Mercedes and he became a boss

Of course everybody knows much most of that story of You know who he became but there was a human side to John Gotti in 1979 I was a football coach for my kids pop Warner and we were all in the same neighborhood And I had coached for two or three years and I was coaching with this Irish guy who didn't like football And we kept losing and my kid was the quarterback So I went to the club and I said to John, you know your kids gonna be on my team Peter your brother's kids on my team I got two burglars their sons of my team I got a safe crack of his son's in the backfield. We gotta do something about this coach. He's what do you want to do?

You want to kill them? I go John we can't kill the coach Look, just come over just come over to the practice take him for a walk and just tell him all bots That was my name because I was crazy. Tell him all bots is gonna call the place Gotti comes down to the to the field with this big long car Says to the coach take a walk when he walks around the block Comes back he gets in the car. He leaves we close out for the practice and the coach stands up the head coach He says to all the kids, you know what I've been coaching 15 years, but this year mr. Police. See that was my name

He's gonna call the place So naturally I call the plays and we won but this was the type of stuff that was human that went on in the neighborhood I would I did recently. I did the CBS morning show with With Charlie Rose and Gail King. It was a Series that was involved with this summer called inside the American mob and I told him the story that most people didn't know You have to understand the power of the mob in the 70s. It's not there now But in 77 the summer we had a lot that went on the Bronx was burning The Yankees and the Dodgers were playing we had a blackout, but above that there was this madman running around the city killing women

By the name of Brooklyn's of course, nobody knew his name So the NYPD came to the club John Gotti's club and they said John come on out. We want to talk to you They said if you'll help us find the son of Sam, we'll give you guys a whole year of Of a free pass. We won't arrest anybody. We just want you to find this guy Charlie Rose asked me you could see the interview. It's on there Charlie was asked me. Well, what did John do? I said are you kidding John wouldn't help any cop. He didn't do a damn thing beside he didn't have that power He wasn't omnipotent. I mean, you know, he was just this figure man He was a pipe pipe room people believed in him naturally

He had the ability to tell you know guys go out and kill this guy kill that guy and all that of course he he pulled it off You know because he was charismatic. He was a Jim Jones of the mafia. That's who John was Can I share a story with you? So do you remember a movie that Matthew Broderick? Bruno Kirby and Marlon Brando. Yes, I can't it was called the apprentice. We're at the freshman. Okay, so here's a story. Yeah, here's a true story Billy Crystal told me the story that Bruno Kirby told him they're in New York They're having dinner and the guy walks in and says Mr. Brando

John Gotti is in the back room And he would love to have a glass of wine and friendly conversation and Brando goes But I wouldn't like to friends He says give me a minute sir. It goes back Comes back said mr. Gotti says your friends can come now Bruno Kirby And Matthew Broderick are insane. They're gonna meet John Gotti Marlon Brando walks in to a room. There's John Gotti and two big guys With Matthew Broderick Bruno Kirby and a guy says, holy shit, John, it's Ferris Bueller

The big guy had no idea Love that. Holy shit, John is Ferris Bueller I Didn't mean to up your story. No, that's cool It's really amazing how I Grew up with guys that We're in that life or whatever, but they're enabled. They don't do anything outside They go to Atlantic City for a week and that's it all that money. They don't travel. They don't go nowhere

They live this secluded life, you know, and it's so weird like when they talk about California Like it's fucking Mars Like even when I go home now, we're we're yet you still out there in California with those fucking naked people walking around this It's amazing. Yeah, you know, they're so you know, they're so it's like my wife went back to Tennessee and I wanted to ride She looked at me. She goes. I'm really fucking sorry. She goes. I'm really sorry They have to judge these you have to be around these fucking crazy people You know the father was talking to me about I don't know corn hogs or some shit like that And and I looked at it and I go, you know what you don't have to apologize

Why come from in Jersey were eight minutes from New York City the biggest Metropolitan fucking center in the world and There's people that are still fucking small-minded, you know, they don't really know dick nothing Let me tell you what bothers me. I'll tell you what bothers me those fucking cameras on your phone That should bother whoever invented that thing. It was a good idea for about an hour I Fucked up because now you can't do nothing. Like I said to take a woman's picture now It's nothing because she could be sleeping you can make believe you're on the phone and just go click and take a picture of a pussy So it's no fucking skill shame on you if you do that type of shit

But I'm sorry, hold on one second, but what the fuck was he talking? I'm sorry Sorry No, I want to ask them a question because I I grew up in Cleveland the streets of Cleveland So I wasn't I wasn't quite sure what the mob scene was in Cleveland in the 70s Was it pretty pretty it's the value was I mean, you know, not so much Cleveland But Youngstown if you do the research, it was an amazing place. They had more murders there It was the bomb cut it was like There's a real

Blowing cars up there. Yeah, Youngstown had you know, I mean when we think of Youngstown We might think of you know, man, you know boomer man senior something But there was this bombing going on there and I mean it was wild and crazy They're a copo and in Cleveland. They always had mob guys in Cleveland Sovelies were there and you know each city had a few I mean when we got out here when we start thinking about La there weren't that many Italians out here. I mean most of that stuff was really, you know There's still on the East Coast, right? But I mean without Vegas the Italians the mob didn't have anything to do with the West Coast

They don't want anything to do with it I mean they really chased if you go to the history they chased the filmmakers out, you know laski and Yeah, although they chased him out in 1900 out of New York because they were trying to shake him down So they came out here to do these movies, you know silent movies to get away with paying the mob back then I mean the mob always had their hands in all kinds of unions I mean we all know that and you know, then we had these great mysteries like coffer and all that kind of stuff which You know lend all this here myth. I mean just like whitey boulder and all but I will tell you it's not the same It's different and the mob we lived. I mean, I'm gonna be 70 years old guys

We imitated we imitated the movies and the movies imitated us and that's a fact and I worked undercover with David Chase For a year I worked with David Chase for a while Wow Helping him create Authenticity for the Sopranos and after we did that I walked away and I said to my wife then she goes you think he gave you a Contract I saved the HBO contract that'll be on about three weeks. I Was so wrong what I didn't get was that Chase humanized the Gandafini character and everybody loved it I mean to change television I think the Sopranos and sexes city change television pretty authentic. Yeah, amazing. Yeah, absolutely amazing. So they're on every day

They're on at five o'clock in the afternoon That's when my wife was coming home and sometimes I wouldn't watch it But I put the episode on and listen. It's either that or I witnessed news at five which really blows ABC it really fucking blows because they always drop bad news on you by five o'clock my first edibles are kicking you know I'm saying I Don't want no bad news. I want a happy story I want to see a little Japanese kid that plays the drums at one hand or something like that. You know I'm saying I Gotta wait for Diane Sawyer for the last eight minutes To get like some little Puerto Rican kid that walked here from fucking Mexico or something

You know, it's always that but they always open up in a car accident or a shooting in Englewood. Do you watch it? Because it's fucking habit you want to be informed, you know And if you watch CNN they badmouth Obama if you watch Fox they badmouth this guy Don't you just want to watch some or it's a fucking dude just tell it like it is or whatever You just want to watch somewhere. It doesn't take your head into a gram You ever wake up as fucking 5 a.m. You put fucking channel five on right away this morning and San Gabriel Valley 8th grade gym teacher got arrested for molesting a kid. I don't want that going into my head

I don't fucking watch it. I'll tell you with the problem. I got fucking sicknesses. I got diseases Okay, when I was a kid, I was addicted to reading the fucking wanted signs 20 fucking years No matter what I did I always well I couldn't even get a job and I would always look to see how many plumbers they were hiring How many electricians how many people in fucking nutrition? I always did that once the newspaper got evolved I got a new disease now and it's called that watch the channel five five o'clock channel five

And I want to know if there's traffic on the 405 even if I don't have to get on the 405 I don't give a fuck you know, I want to know I want to know I want to know where the dots are you understand me I want to know where Susie Chang is and now At all times. That's how I roll. I just want to I want to know where the traffic is so I I get negative like if I go to Today I might go to Culver City and go drop an agent but not there's gonna be traffic on the 10. Fuck that shit I was just sit home and smoke dope and do something. Hey Joey Were you were you that curious as a little kid when I was a kid girl little kid like six every fucking day For years even if I had a job

I opened up the first thing I did was open up the Daily News to see what number come out the bottom of the track handle And then from where I go to the numbers in and I look at the job Did you ride the little yellow bus to school? No, no, no, no, I wrote the big bus But you know, that's what you look at. Yeah, my mother's favorite number was 604 516 and she boxed 516 so out of habit when even now today 30 fucking years later when I go to an airport now if you go to New York the paper 75 cents Anywhere else in the country on an airport. It's 250 for the New York paper That means I put a quarter in the slot and I take it to go fuck you take your chances TCA

You still look at the number you still look at the number I still look at the New York number or the Jersey number. I look at the Jersey number still till this day Everybody knows and then I go to the front page to see the picket the legal number How fucking retarded am I that's my fucking and did you look at the Bulldog Edition back then remember the pink paper night The post you really oh you know what daily news had the pink paper at night. It had the numbers on it It was the early edition Way back. Yeah way back when I read a black thunder that with the hat to man Remember rapping do the hard the hard. You never know which way to anyway

I'm happy you motherfuckers came out tonight, man. I'm happy you got to see a live podcast and see what it's like What it entails and You know I called Rocco cuz every time Rocco calls in I got a lot of emails and we wanted to meet Rocco now He's fucked up. We look at Look at him. I can't believe it. He has his favorite guest on and he has the bulls to eat other bulls in his favorite guest This is what I'm talking about young people you got to pay attention you can't it's not all fucking fun and games and ha ha You can't eat marijuana just cuz you got a license bitches, okay, I don't have a license. Well, how the fuck do you keep eating it? Well, that's against the law

That's against the fucking law dog He's piling up stories. He'll be a guest one day on the show and he'll talk about this evening. Oh Jesus This kid changed my life, huh? No, this kid changed my life. I had nothing going on I was gonna get a job selling cars that friendly Ford on Lancashire He sent me an email and Gabriel Glacius gave me a little I did the comedy central thing and as a gift Gabriel gave me a bloggy And I was gonna put it in my desk with the rest of the cameras And I said fuck that I'm gonna do something good with this

So I drove around and took pictures of myself at Kmart and me at the weed store And I gave him a hundred bucks to chop them up and we put them up on Monday And we created math flavors world and we did a documentary then we did a couple CDs And then they just kept going on and on and on and now we have a podcast and we compete every week. I'm not a celebrity I'm not on TV neither is him and we compete because we go on and we talk the truth You should be a celebrity. You're wicked. You're wickedly sharp. I mean, you know, no, you gotta be fucking guys You gotta be fucking sharp. You guys gotta be sharp. And that's it Listen, listen, man, I want you to let them think you're fucking retarded

Skin it forever, dude, whatever You know I'm saying and you When they fucking least think about it chop them with that fucking knife. I wasn't that high motherfucker Welcome to the machine bitch Right, you gotta give me the illusion that you're hot, but you gotta be sharp people and I thank you guys for coming out And supporting the podcast and all your emails and if you want to email us It's always joeythears.net, you know, if you guys want any questions real quick. We got about five minutes. What's up? Sinatra club Sinatra club. It's already on Netflix the movie

What else cocksuckers that's it everybody's You got anxiety Anxiety I got off the testosterone, but I still get anxiety. Let me tell you what happened to me last week I got awarded a window seat in first class Right with upgrades I swear to God and I took and I took my blood pressure medication and I got on there and all of a sudden as soon as I got on there Some guy got on there fell asleep and I had a pee right away, right? But I didn't have the heart to get the fuck up and that gave me anxiety and I held it in I even thought about taking my dick

I'm peeing in a cup Because you know me. I don't give a fuck Jack I don't give a fuck Jack and you just have to breathe and they told me to go to island of serenity And think about where you're fucking where nothing's gonna happen to you, you know, whether you're the safest You have to be on a I want to be on an island drinking cocktails with three Asian guys rubbing my feet No, that's not where it is where you know what I gave blood last Tuesday I didn't even fucking feel the needle. I put my arm out. I put zeppelin to one She fucking tied the thing on my arm

I gave it and the whole time I kept thinking about the island of serenity so it works just fucking try it Just go to where nothing's gonna happen to you when I was a kid I came from Cuba and I'm gonna tell you guys this because you you're a little older The biggest thing I loved was the in the 60s and early 70s The biggest thing in New York was the underground shelter in case the Russians dropped the bomb And in school those days really man. Yeah, every building in New York had a yellow and black sign We're radiation on it and a skull with a picture of a Russian Right it was fucking hysterical and you were supposed to go down there if you lived in the building and put your canned goods

So if they dropped the bomb you good on there and live it's like doomsday preppers today That's what it was for people then so I always said to myself Can you imagine living in one of those things so even now till today at night when I go home to sleep? I put my sleep apnea mask on I put the air conditioner on and when I go cuddle up I need for it to be cold, but in my mind I'm homeless and I'm sleeping on this street and there's a mouse crawl on me, right? And that's how I pass out. Well, I wake up to piss at three and I'm like I'm not homeless I

Love you. You are crazy motherfucker. I do you have to be crazy. You are crazy dog We're only gonna do this one time So please take the stick out of your ass Go to ITT tech. I know You know I'm saying they're waiting for your call right now Financial aid is available No dog go out there. It's happy Thanksgiving listen tomorrow go home Smoke dope in the garage eat fucking with your family. Love them

Hug them and tell those motherfuckers tomorrow at the dinner table. You know when they're telling their stupid fucking stories, right? I'm like, oh, I tell I'm telling here. I gotta be in music great. That's what I give a fuck But you're fucking 13 and you're 350 pounds How long will you think you're gonna be dancing around and sound the music your fat fuck? You know until your skateboard up the corner who gives a fuck I want you to look at your fucking family and think about what I'm telling you look at them on So I got an announcement to make and go in the next year motherfuckers next time we're Thanksgiving watch my motherfucking smoke Good night. Thank you very much. They're coming out here

Rockwell BC And crazy salad butts I See you guys outside. Let's smoke some briefings Joey Diaz