Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #10

Episode Date: February 28, 2014

Tom Segura joins Joey and Lee at the Ice House. Attention! We are aware of the audio issue. Well work it out before the next live podcast. If you cant listen to it were sorry but if you can we appreciate it!

["Feel Emotion"] Feel emotion Feel emotion Talk about things that nobody can wear Oh shit Little bit of Aerosmith's sweet emotion because we're in awe of Joey being in Boston right now

So if you're in Boston, if you're listening to this weekend right when it comes out Which I'm not sure why you wouldn't be Joey is right now at Laugh Boston He has shows tonight Well actually Thursday is probably already happened by the time this comes out But Friday and Saturday And I think Saturday is almost sold out If not already sold out

So make sure you go today Friday Welcome guys This is the live church from last week February 22nd, 2014 Which we did at the Ice House after a few months away We didn't do one I think the last month or two of the year Last year and then the first month of this year So it was great to be back

And we did it on a Saturday Which we normally don't do We normally do Wednesday nights So it was packed Sold out even before we got there I love those, I love it when They have to bring chairs in from outside And you know what can walk around

Because it's so packed, it's a lot of fun I know Joey does too Really appreciate you guys Supporting us and coming out And having a good time Because of the crowd It really makes a difference when it's packed And it's a lot of fun to do

So we had a great guest this time We've been trying to get him on for a while Tom Segura, who I'm a big fan of Of his comedy and his podcast Your Mom's House That he does with his wife, Christina Pajitski Who's also a comic So if you are looking for another podcast

Check that out after you check this one out So here's the thing If you listen to the church episode from Monday I was talking to Joey about I only thought we had about an hour of this podcast recorded Because what happens is If you haven't been to the Ice House The soundstage is at a different end

It's not anywhere near the stage So I don't have access to my recorder On the taping Because I'm on stage getting Made fun of as you'll hear By the comedians So when I get off stage I go over and the recorder isn't recording

So that freaks me out Because it should be recording I talked to the sound guy He doesn't know what happened And we look and it said Only 55 minutes of it was recorded I was like oh shit that sucks But you would think okay

Whatever we have is what we have So I moved the very next Wednesday So that's why it's not out yet I wanted to, first I wanted to give The regular church episodes from this week A couple days to breathe Because if you put out too many episodes at once People don't listen to them

So I wanted people to listen to every episode And I thought this would be a cool weekend Treat for you guys So I get to the office I moved yesterday Big pain in the ass But it's all done And I get to the office today, Thursday

And I plug it in And somehow I was able to get The whole thing did record All two plus hours of it Yes, that's good news I start playing it And as you'll hear, I'm not sure if it's Because it's not the recorder

Because I tested the recorder I don't know if it's the wiring at the ice house I don't know if the board was too hot I don't know if it was the mics I don't think it was the mics Because I brought one of our mics And it was the same thing When the audio levels were too loud

It pops It kind of distorts It's a little hard to listen to It's not unlistenable And I've checked And most of it I feel is listenable If this was a comedy album Of course we wouldn't put it out

But as a free extra episode Joey's on stage right now So I can't even call him I feel like it's good enough quality To let you guys know and apologize And it won't happen again I'll figure out what happened I'll talk to the guys at the ice house

And we'll make sure this doesn't happen And it's weird because it hasn't happened before So I don't know if a board setting was different Or if the connection that we were in is bad But it was so frantic this week Because they were the first show around late They were wanting to get everything set up So I didn't have a chance to test the audio

As thoroughly as we would have been able to find this I just tested the levels And the levels were good But as you'll hear For whatever it wasn't happening in the room So it's something within the board I'm guessing maybe the output or maybe the wires The cables coming from the stage to the board

I don't know, we'll see But I know I understand it's hard to listen to And if you can't listen to the episode I apologize I still feel like it's a good episode to listen to It's over two hours I wouldn't blast this

Because some of the cracking does get loud But if you're listening to it at a normal level I listen to the whole thing And I feel as though it's listenable And we will correct this And even more of an incentive for you guys To come out to the live episodes And hopefully we'll start doing those

In other cities But for right now We're doing them hopefully once a month In Pasadena at the Ice House So please come see that We always have great guests And as you can hear we have a great time I really trust me

There's some of you who listen To our big audio files And I know this is going to be hard for you But I think most people I think you're going to be able to deal with it And listen and hear the funny It's only really when it gets a little bit too loud When people are yelling

Which can be a lot with Joey As we all know But even then It's not like it's un-listenable And I did some work on it In Audacity And I was able to reduce it a little bit I really do feel as though it is

A worthy listen If you can't I understand I'm sorry But I honestly do feel If you give it a shot It'd be worth it A big thank you to our sponsors

To Onit of course Hulu Plus Dollar Shave Club Nature Box And our newer sponsors Nailed It Life And EscapePodTank.com If you're looking for some of the other podcasts

That we're doing now out of this office Check out LeeSyat.com And it has all our podcasts And then also of course Go to joeideas.net For all of his tour dates I know he just ordered his t-shirts And he has mugs and patches

For your jiu-jitsu gees coming So be on the lookout for that joeideas.net LeeSyat.com Like I said We were lucky in the audio The recording was saved But the audio isn't of the best quality

So I understand that If you feel the need to tweet me about it Which I'm sure a lot of you will Go ahead But I did as much as I can And I'm sorry that it's not Of the usual quality We usually get pretty good recordings

From the Ice House So we'll work on that And enjoy Tom Segura And Joey Diaz and myself On the latest live episode If you ever go to like those Italian butcher places When I was a kid

We had margolanzanos in New Jersey You walk in there with your mother They had them in alphabetical order Or in order bites They had like pigeons Chickens Roosters Lizards

Snakes Donkeys Gorillas They had everything Whatever animal you fuck The National Act Animal Wildlife Control Mr. Martin

Margolanzano had girats He had everything Apes Fucking everything Birds with colors on them Everything Whatever animal you want A dead you could get

A turtle And like your mother I came from a Spanish house Where your mother wants to make Your chicken soup She wants a fresh fucking chicken She ain't gonna go to Rouse And get you one of those

Free dry fucking chicken They go up there And get the fresh chicken You go right there And you're like a little kid But that's why you Before computers When I was a little kid

You had dick for entertainment When your mother said I'm making chicken soup You're like, I'm coming Because I'm gonna go see A chicken get fucking killed That's entertainment When you're a Spanish kid

No computer Come on, fuck it Let's go watch a chicken Get killed You walk into the store With your mother It's lonely in there You can smell the deaths

Soon as a customer walks in You can see the birds Start to stop Cha-pa-pa Soon as a customer walks in You can see the birds Start to stop Cha-pa-pa

They know somebody's gonna go Now the guy who works there He ain't no handsome guy He's missing a limb Something He's missing like an elbow So you can smell the death And you're like, oh fuck

This guy What can I get you I need a bird And also the birds They know the language Like a chicken What size chicken Medium

All the medium birds They run to the back of the cage You can say And he comes in He don't give a fuck This place ain't PG-rated He don't give a fuck about violence Or blood or nothing

He just goes to the fucking cage And they're back And he sticks his fucking hand in there And you can Right in front of you You can be like six He don't give a fuck He'll take that bird

And punch it Right in the fucking You motherfuck God fuck it Then he takes that He breaks his fucking neck Right in front of you And he fucking punches it

Right in front of you Then he puts in the machine That the feathers it Do you see that They put a bunch of feathers Come out About six minutes later A Puerto Rican hand

Just comes out with a chicken Cut up and take them I just want to applaud The Mexican people There's no paperwork That's it No paperwork The United States

We got the problem we got here There's always fucking paperwork Too much Too many fucking questions In Mexico you show up With the envelope There's no questions You want a liver or what size?

Don't even give a fuck Like I think you got to match up colors You got to put like a Mexican liver Fucking They'll give you a black liver They don't give a fuck You'll be alive But you'll get a move for ribs

Like once a week I want some collard greens What the fuck My mouth is salty It's like I ate some pussy You know what I'm saying Like sometimes you eat pussy And you get salty mouth after it

What the fuck did I Nothing wrong with some salty pussy It's Saturday night Mexican people are great They don't fuck around And that's why Americans are jealous A lot of people are jealous Of Mexican people

I had a TV When I first moved to the Valley Red Band Gave me a nice TV When I got there With 8,000 fucking pounds Big screen For the way like 22,000 fucking pounds

I had to get a tow truck And push it out of the house Then once it got to my house It was me, Jerry, Lee My wife, the neighbors, the cats Everybody pushed that motherfucker up to stand Everybody The cats were up there with a rope

Pulling it up I'm not exaggerating We put the TV on the fucking thing A month later Remote control broke We couldn't get a remote control We called the companies We got to get rid of this TV

There's these two Mexicans down my block They have a white truck That's fucked up And every day they got different shit on there Some days it's mattresses Some days it's refrigerators Some days it's caskets They don't give a fuck

They go wherever the action is You understand me? And I walked over there At dinner time They had their shoes off This is Mexican people That's why you gotta love these motherfuckers And I interrupted their dinner

I go, excuse me, I'm sorry I'm sorry One laugh I got this TV The remote don't work It works like a motherfucker I don't want it I don't know what to do with it

And they're like In the middle of dinner I was like I'll be right there Yeah, like a chubby little son Like maybe 12 Little chubby little motherfucker He was like

Hey, come on That motherfucker Put that tortilla down They showed up I heard them come up the stairs The little kid was all pissed off And shit They opened up

I gave them like 50 bucks They were coming up I showed them the TV This motherfucker He's like 60, too He's like 60 He looked at this fucking TV He told the son

Turn around Turn around Get low There's someone else You can't have less Turn around Look that way Get low

This motherfucker came over here Pick this TV up like this And just put on that little kid's back And they just walked down the stairs Like nothing Right back to the truck They took eight fucking people And nine cats

To push the TV up the stairs Two fucking Mexicans 160 and one fucking 12 How about a big round of applause For this sexy fucking savage Turn that over here Serving some drinks for you With a little fucking ponytail

Look at her looking good tonight I'll fucking pull that motherfucker Like a woman with a ponytail To turn you on I'll fucking pull that mother Give her a round of applause Give her some tips Give her some love

She's an animal I love her Coming to the stage My little brother Mr. Lee Syac Get him up here Oh, shit What's up, baby?

Not much, buddy How are you, my friend? I'm good I love that Mexican out of that story It's a new fucking story I was telling you guys outside Because Paula's here She told me a story about her mom

Doing that to her Like just picking the feathers Out of the chicken Oh, yeah They don't fuck around Jewish kids can't handle that No, fuck no Listen, you bring three pigeons

That have been hit by a car To a Mexican's house And you walk in Look what I found Like three pigeons That are half fucked up Like a little retarded Like you hit them with a bicycle

In ten minutes They'll have tacos That are fucking delicious You understand me? With a little eyeball in there Blinking at you and shit Mexicans know what a nutrient is No, I'm telling you

I have a friend Rodrigo Torres He works for an exterminator He's Mexican The fucking company's Mexican He worked for He fell off a house That had three floors on his back

Got up Finished exterminating the house You know me I said go to the hospital We got a Jew attorney He goes, nah, nothing Nothing happened I go, how the fuck

Did you fall off a fucking house? Three stories Land on your back Most fucking people Sue those motherfuckers He didn't give a fuck But there's no joke here I'm just telling you that

That's a Mexican for you He land on his back And he went right to work Most of these fucking Weaklings land on their back Like, I can't believe it I can't believe it I can't believe it

I can't believe it I can't believe it I can't believe it I got limpamango I can't hear I gotfibermolasia Get the fuck out of here Fibermolasia

And every fucking At every fucking year We allow these people To hear these kinds of disease I look at them and tell them To go fuck themselves Right to their face Like, I'm not doing it, dawg

I'm still not over the peanut allergy I'm still not over that fucking thing What upset you about the peanut allergy? What upset you about the peanut allergy? Cause how the fuck are you allergic to God's gift of a fucking peanut? Right? I don't get that.

It's a beautiful fucking thing. What did you do? How can you be allergic to a peanut? You can't hang out. You can't go to a baseball game and relax. You gotta sit there and look straight. If somebody gets a peanut, you gotta look at them weird.

Excuse me, I'm allergic to peanut. The fuck? I don't give a fuck. If I'm in a baseball game and I bet the Yankees, and you tell me you're allergic to peanuts, I rub them on your face. You understand? I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. You'll be like, A-Rod, you'll be popping peanuts and steroids. What's up, Lisa? You gotta get rid of that fucking cough. I know. I gotta go to the doctor. You gotta go back.

You went to that Puerto Rican guy at CVS. I told you, he goes to these fucking little guys at CVS, they got thrown away. You know what I'm saying? Like they were doctors like a year ago. And they don't give a fuck. They take my insurance. They took, yeah, that's no shit.

They take your insurance. You gotta go to a real doctor, Lisa. You gotta go to a doctor that has like a thing. He graduated from a school. Not some guy that fucking got his degree at AT&T. ITT, whatever the fuck it is. Medical assistant, now he's giving out prescriptions at fucking CVS.

You might as well go to me. I'll give you a fucking prescription. I just took your prescription, by the way. You what? I just took, I know what your prescription is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got a lot of fucking prescriptions that people don't know about.

I got old prescriptions at the house, you know? So what, the expiration date isn't 10 years ago. They still fucking work. I'm telling you right now, those old pills fucking work, trust me. You know, I got expiration, plus I got shit. You get a cough. You get a cough, right?

For example, you don't feel good. You don't need to go to a fucking doctor. You go down to a Chinese restaurant and you get yourself a container of hot sour soup and come to put extra vinegar in that motherfucker. You take a couple of Advils or Relieves and the vinegar will cleanse your fucking body and then you can't sweat.

That's how you get rid of the food. That's for Uncle Joey. This ain't for no fucking, I'm saving you $50 fucking dollars, but if you have the hot sour soup, take a nap and go out and do a grandma blow. I can't fucking help it. If you go out and eat pussy, I can't help you.

You gotta stay in the house. Gotta put the blankets on and sweat it out and eat some vitamin C, okay? That was good. You get it together, cocksucker, because a cough, because look at, 243 people have died in their leg. Because I don't mean to bring nobody down.

I'm trying to help you motherfuckers out. You guys don't listen to your parents. You'll listen to fucking... You don't listen to the fucking... You don't listen to the music, shit. I just wiped the floor off my fucking ear. I'm gonna wake up Monday, my ear's gonna be all fucked up, coffin.

And it starts small. What happens is it starts small. We start coughing and we don't have a temperature. We need the money so we go to work, but it's LA. So when you leave the house, it's cold out. And then it gets 90 fucking degrees. That's the flu growing inside you. Then by seven o'clock, it gets fucking worse.

We broke a sweat. Now you go home and get a pneumonia. Now you're in the hospital for 18 fucking days because you went to work for two days. Just take the two fucking days off. I don't mind you have the flu. It's gonna happen in life, you know what I'm saying? It's the motherfuckers like,

I had to stop smoking weed when I traveled with people because people fucking are disgusting fucking animals. Do me a favor, dog. If you have the flu, don't smoke weed with people. Okay, don't come up to me and go, Joey, I've got a good weed. And then after we smoked it, meanwhile you go. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And also I'm like, were you sick? No, I was sick last week. Mother fucker. Mother fucker. Mother fucker, you just woke up God-villainin' your chest. And you're gonna pass them on to me, you fuck. I swear to God, let me tell you about Hollywood. I swear to my mother's grave.

Let me tell you about Hollywood one time. About 15 years ago, I was at the comedy store and we were smoking pot in a circle and the midway in the joint, some guy just happened to say, do you know what I'm HIV positive? I almost punched the fuck out of him. I had to, I had to light my lips on fire.

You understand me? I walked around with pussy lips like I sucked crack dick. I hate that shit. That's why I'm done, I'm done. Have you ever got one of those guys who are getting things signed? And then they shake your hand and like, I'm getting things signed for HIV testing and like, oh God.

Like it scared me for a while. Can you shake their hand? I don't know. Yeah, you can shake their hand. You just can't suck their dick, will you? That's all you, if somebody tells you that HIV, you can hang out with them,

you can't fuck them in the ass and don't let them cry on you. Cause those tears, that's worse than black spit, you know what I'm saying? That shit will go right through you. I'm sorry, I was talking to a black friend of mine, a way up here. I swear to God, Dante, he was on my mind

and we were fucking around, we were talking about black music. And I started arguing with him and we started talking about black spit. I thought it was funny. Coming to the stage, where's my man, Tom's the girl? Get up here, motherfucker. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. What's up, baby?

What's up, brother? How are you, my friend? You're gonna give me a fucking aneurysm. Oh, we had a good time, we had a good time. You keep your fucking distance. Nah, he's all right. He's healed now, he's healed now. First of all, can we just address the fact

that Joey thinks a peanut allergy is just a complaint? Like it's not, like it's not a real thing. It's just like, knock it off, like. It's true, like knock the fuck off, all right? Like you like change the station, I don't like this music. I don't, I don't want to hear that shit. People are gonna listen to this, you're like, my son died and you're like, get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here, all right? Your son died from malnutrition. Not because he ate a fucking peanut, you know what I'm saying? Stop giving him those fucking, whatever the fuck. Excuse me. Stop giving him those fucking, you know, those things in the morning. Not waffles, whatever the fuck.

Stop giving him waffles. Fucking Lego. Getting their fucking pride in him. We wonder why these kids are dying. You're giving them fucking Legos. Make two eggs with a piece of hand, cock suckin' a loaf of bread and a milkshake. Then you wonder why your kid gets bullied

because he's eating fucking Legos for fucking breakfast. You want a kid to be a killer, he's got to eat counter-ocular, that's the shit. None of the ten comics eat counter-ocular. They never did the survey, but I did. Is that the fucking thing? When I went to jail, all the black dudes in the Puerto Rican, I like counter-ocular.

So I stopped eating counter-ocular because that's how they want to be felonious. Like you're soft, you're soft. If you like Asperfrost, you're soft. Yeah, like if you like Frosted Flakes, you get fucked up. Fuck you. I'm still laughing about the black spit.

I almost died the last time I hung out with you. I know. People usually do. Oh, I love it, I fucking love it. He, he fucking, he, Joey, we're in the fucking Burbank Airport and he's like, super cool. He's like, super cool.

He's like, super cool. He's like, super cool. And he's like, super fucked up already. It's like 7 a.m. And he, he like, he, he's like, He ate one of these dogs. And he's like, throw it, like fucking eat it. And I'm like, oh, what's this?

And he's like, you're gonna be fucked up. I'm like, great, I already ate it. And a TSA agent is like fucking 10 feet from us. And he goes, TSA! And I was like, and he goes, and he points, he goes, check him out. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I immediately make a beeline for the magazine store.

I was like, I'm out of here. I don't know if I'm gonna be doing this at all. I go, I buy a magazine and then I look back and Joey is talking to the TSA agent and they're laughing together. And they're like, and I go, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Cause I'm high as shit.

And so I walk, I walk out of this fucking place. I'm like, holy shit. I see the TSA agent walk away and I go, what was that? And he goes, I run this airport dog. And I go, right back, I do, I really do. I really do. I fucking walk, right back. And I go, I know the girl, my buddy is daughter.

She's a comedian. And the sister is the fucking counter manager, Southwest bitch. I fly big time. So when I go, I get the handicap sticker. I load the plane first. I get all fucked up. Hey, I need every fucking piece of action I could get.

You know what I'm saying? So there's a couple guys in there that I see at auditions. They're TSA actors, they're TSA guys, but they're also actors. Can you stop there for a second? Do you even know that TSA agents are also fucking actors? You got our down?

Like, they got to make a living. They live in LA. What the fuck? They work part-time. They might as well go for commercial auditions or whatever the fuck they do. I guess so. It just takes the whole fucking TSA job down the rung.

I don't listen. I'm in the school of R.A. Listen, I give TSA the respect they deserve, which is stand there. Okay, and I'm not talking bad of your TSA agent, but there's 19 of you motherfuckers guarding. Nobody's really paying attention because the job is so minute.

And so, you know, I have a friend that was flying out, said this a thousand times, was flying from Connecticut. He was flying to Connecticut. He was flying from Connecticut to fucking Las Vegas to meet us for a UFC. He had an ounce of weed. When he got to the airport, he got so paranoid. He threw the ounce of weed away.

He got on the plane to Las Vegas, landed in his room. He opened up his bag. When he opened up his bag, ready guys? He had loose bullets from when he went to the gun range. So there you have it. You understand me? For two years, I would put a fucking quarter ounce of weed under my nutsack.

And go through security. And I wasn't even, guys, I never even thought about it. I can attest to that. Because I know they don't give a fuck. They don't, what can they say? Even if they did look at my nutsack, they were like, hold on, come here, come here. TSA, blow the whistle, pop, pop, come here.

There's one nutsack up here that's big. And the one guy would say, well, look at him. He's probably stoned. He's overweight. He's got sleep apnea. He's probably got nut cancer. You don't want to ruin his trip. Do you fuck?

No, all right, fuck him. Let him go. The small details. Fuck it. Let them think I got nut cancer. I got the good, I got the shit to kill. Fuck it. You know, Phillip Seymour.

That's my nutsack. Who the fuck are you kidding, you know what I'm saying? There's the shitty smoke before he popped the fucking needle in. A little hand to do him on the fucking Sabbath 71. If I'm going to take it deep, I got to take it deep into the murky waters of the underworld.

Do you understand me? Fuck the black spit, black spit and Phillip Seymour Hoffman on the same show. We might as well wrap this motherfucker up right now. How much black yelling is that a TSA checkpoint? Holy shit. No, go out of Washington, DC. That's where you see fucking brothers TSA

at their national, at their, in their national, what is it? Natural, natural habitat. I'm sorry. They're sick now, nobody's doing nothing. They're looking at each other. What's up Tyrone? I don't know what happened last night.

What's up, man? I don't know, what's up? What's up? What's up? E. I went to the Baltimore 90 fucking TSAs. Nobody was doing dick. That's the first time ever I was really angry at TSA.

Besides that, there are a bunch of people that do their jobs like us. They train them what? What can they fucking possibly train you for? For two weeks, before they send you to war, you go to basic camp, and you gotta go to some fucking lagoon where they shoot at you right or wrong

for six fucking months. These guys, they want them to be fucking bomb sniffing dogs. In two weeks, they pay him 13 an hour and fucking benefits. Let me ask you people something. Would you risk your fucking life for 13 an hour? They don't even give you a fucking gun. If you're a security guard and you don't have a gun,

stab yourself. What the fuck do you have a job for? Why would you have the fucking job for? If I was a security guard, that's the point of being a security guard, is having a gun. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I got a felony.

I can't be a fucking police officer. But I can carry a bow and arrow and have some fun. Just understand me. These guys, I went to the Mall of America. You know, malls like the biggest target for fucking terrorism. And they got these eight white skinny guys walking around with a walkie-talkie,

and one Chinese guy. Let's pretend he knows kung fu. Let's pretend. Let's pretend. You got eight white skinny guys and one Chinese guy that may be a green belt in kung fu. One of my chances of disarming a fucking terrorist with a baseball fucking mask on.

Let's put some hard-hitting motherfuckers in there. Some, you know, these guys, they come back with TSA, what do they come back with? PTS, whatever the fuck. Oh yeah. Send them the fuck to the mall, you know what I'm saying?

You think I'm fucking kidding you? We're gonna have them at home sitting there, hearing voices. Fuck no. Send them to the fucking mall, walk around. Do something. They'll just snap on everybody. Give them like a lazy gun.

Don't give a fuck. You put like one normal guy with five fucking retards. I ain't that bad. Trust me. You get one guy to be the Captain Kirk, you know what I'm saying? You keep four guys all fucked up. You know, I heard something.

No, you didn't. That's all right. You can trick people. Trust me, I used to trick people all the time. Like what he said, I told people, oh, go! And I go like that, and I'm the fucking king of it.

Listen, I took a hit of windowpane acid one night with Kurt DiLorenzo. There's a good one. I forgot about this one, right? Before that, let's fucking eat some Metables for you people. Open this motherfucker up. Look at Lee Sayat.

He's been good all day. I just took one. What was this? You took one last week. I took one 20 minutes ago. No, you did not. What were you talking about? You took one, a little piece.

Look at him. He's a savage, Lee Sayat. All right, so. Yeah. So me, me, Kurt DiLorenzo and this guy, Louis Castellito, go to a movie. I think it was the when, when. You can't tear it.

You eat half of it, and then we'll split it in half. I felt like the church. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Yeah, man. I don't know how fucked up I am, right? Tastes like Cocoa Puffs, man. It's just delicious. Tastes like Count Chalk, you love. Yeah. So this is how fucked up I am. So we go to the movie.

We go to see Apocalypse Now. Right? See Apocalypse Now? Right in high school. I was in a sophomore in fucking high school. And we all got together. We go and take a bunch of asses. We went up to the Fairview Cinema.

It's not there no more. It's some piece of shit, fucking. Subway sandwich. Fuck them. But there used to be a Carvel Stand next to this movie theater. So there was an upside down me, Louis Castellito, John Crowley.

Listen to this. So this kid, John Crowley, was arrested. He was a little fucked up. And there was an upside down ice cream cone with sprinkles melted with ants eating it. And there was a long line for people to wait for Pink Floyd. John Crowley walked in the line, looked at a bunch of motherfuckers,

picked up the cone and ate it. Then he called us over. Come on, get in front of these motherfuckers. So we stood in there like, nothing. That was fucking ingenuity right there. Like that little Chinese Cub Scout that sold 150 boxes in front of a wheat store and not where everybody's mad at her.

Fuck you, motherfucker. That's American ingenuity. Use your fucking tools. Instead of work, that kid ain't gonna get bullied. That kid ain't gonna get bullied. She sold $400 worth of fucking cookies. That bitch is a bad motherfucker. I did the math.

If I would've hit her in the head with a stick, you know what I mean? Fuck that little bitch. I'm taking that for you, you know what I'm saying? Would you have robbed the Girl Scout cookie stand? Depending, you know? What year it was, what the situation was. I'm sitting there in 1982. She's counting 20s.

That little bitch is going down and it's fucking. So wait a second, I mean, I've mugged a bitch before while I was eating her pussy. I swear to God. Wait, what? I mugged a chick while I was eating her pussy. I was going through her pockets, right? Looking for a hundred dollar bill.

A child white chick. I met her at the lab factory. She got thrown up and she was staying downtown and I had a little bit of coke. That's what I tricked her with. Will you tell the national story? No, no, no, no, no, no. So let me tell you.

Let me finish this fucking story. So we go to the movie theater with C Pink Floyd, whatever the fuck it is. The fuck it was now. We walk out. We're all fucked up. We're all fucked up, right? We're walking home and it just rained.

So I look at my friend Louis Castellito who's crazy like me. I look him right in the eye and I go, you hear that fucking siren? And he looks at me and goes, not really. But the other guy, Kurt, looks at me and goes, I hear something. I go, I hear that fucking siren. And all of a sudden, Kurt goes, I fucking hear something.

So Louis looks at both of us and goes, I think I hear something too. And this goes on for 10 fucking minutes. You hear something? I don't hear nothing. I don't hear nothing. And finally, Kurt, I'll never forget this. Kurt looks at us and goes, you motherfucker.

And he looks down. There's a puddle filled with water. He bends over and he starts to flip it. Oh no, no. And all of a sudden he just runs home. That's it. The point of the story is I got into his mind psychologically. You understand me?

I got so fucking high one time in Peru. I went down to Peru where my mom's from and I brought a friend. And we were just out of college. And I told my cousin, hey, can we get some weed? And it was a bigger deal. I mean, that's on you, man. And I was like, I don't have contacts.

I can't be like, hey, you want to get weed? We're in a foreign country. All right, I'll ask somebody. So we go to the university school the next day. And he's like, you have money? I was like, yeah, he's like, give me $30. All right, I gave the guy $30 and he hands me a bag. And in it is like an ounce and a half.

And I was like, we're here for like fucking five days. What am I doing with this? So he's like, is that cool? I was like, yeah, I guess that's cool. Like he's like, you're straight, right? And I was like, oh, and we're looking around like, this is a sting operation for sure. Like this is a third world sting for sure.

And we go back to my cousin's house and we go on his roof, we roll joints. And they don't fold, we just roll joints of this shit. I'm like, this looks like some fucking whack-ass weed, man. But let's just smoke it. And so we smoke it. And then I just, I go, I'm like, I'm cold, man, I'm real cold. And my friend's like, I'm cold too, I'm cold.

So we go in the guest rooms and we just have, we have two twin beds. I have one, he has the other. And I'm like, do you hear those trains coming, man? And he's like, no, I don't hear them. And I was like, there's fucking trains coming right now, man. And I basically lose my mind for the whole fucking night, right?

Just shivering and hearing trains that aren't there. So the next day I was like, that was a wild shit. Like, yeah, that was fucking terrible. And we're like, cool, like let's smoke again now. So the second night we smoke, we get cold again. And this time, like it just doesn't affect me as much. And I'm like, are you fucked up? He's like, I'm out of my fucking mind.

Like now it's affecting him more. And we're laying there for like an hour in silent. And then he's like, fuck, and I go, what? And he goes, dude, now I hear trains. There's trains coming for real. There were never trains. Like we were just completely out of our fucking mind, smoking like, I don't know, Peruvian fucking dirt.

I don't know what the fight was. It was crazy. You know how you're talking about like the, how here our perception of Mexicans is like how hardworking they are? Like that's the big thing here. If you go to South America, the crazy thing is how they all perceive each other.

Cause it's not like Americans do them. They all have different fucking, like, if you're in any South American country and you mentioned a Mexican, they're immediately like, oh fuck, like we're gonna get shot. And they're so, they're so scared of men. Like you're like, this guy's a Mexican. They're like, he's got a gun for sure.

They're terrified of it. It's so funny. Like they don't see them at all the way we do it. Like, and if I visit another country and I was like, oh yeah, like I'm Peruvian, they'll be like, we'll lock up all our fucking silver when you're in the house. And I'd be like, what?

And they're like, you guys are thieves and you fucking know it. And I was like, like right to your face too, they're like, you know you guys are thieves. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? I had no idea. And then if they're like, if you're like from Argentina,

they're like, you're a fucking asshole. That's all they say to you. You're just a fucking asshole. I think Cuban, I don't know, Cuban, Cuban, they always are like, I porisito. Like, they had to suffer so much for God's sake. They just feel bad that they've had to suffer for you if you're Cuban and you're in another country.

And then they talk about the old days, how fucking beautiful it used to be before he butt-fucked the whole place. The place always had a, I bumped into this Panamanian lady who was really cool. I've known her for like 30 years. When I first met her, she told me Cuba always had a curse on it, so she was a little girl.

She believed Cuba had a really bad curse on it. And when the slaves were getting put by there, they put a curse on Cuba. That's why Cuba's never really been settled. Really? They've always been at fucking war with themselves. And they believe it's a curse? Well, you know, at this point, what the fuck, you know.

At this point, they don't really know, you know, but this lady was saying that the place was cursed. She goes, at one point, it was heaven on earth. Cuba was heaven on earth. There was a fucking paradise, people going down there. There was more Cadillacs in Cuba in 1955 than what they were in the United States. Let's break this down for you motherfuckers again.

There was more Cadillacs in Cuba than what they were in the United States in 1955. Go home and Google that shit, motherfuckers. What does that tell you? That's an island as big as fucking Boston. And it had more Cadillacs, so dig that fucking statistic for you. It was heaven on earth.

And they thought they had the world by the balls and Fidel came in and he lied, and who knows? They got their property taken, their dreams, you know. Who the fuck knows? Everybody's suffered. Every fucking nationality is suffered. So, everybody has gotten their asses kicked. The Indians, the Jews, the Germans,

the fucking Puerto Ricans, the Argentinians, everybody's fucking somewhere got their fucking asses kicked. And that's just the way life is, man. If you do the fucking math, Philippines, how many Filipinos are in here? What'd you guys get conquered? 19,000 fucking times, you know? And you're a beautiful country,

and that's why you have Spanish last names and Chinese last names and fucking everything. It's such a vast country, but everybody gets tortured in their fucking life, you know? I like these people that walk around like, oh, we, what fucking we? The Indians, they were putting smallpox in their fucking blankets.

What haven't they done to these fucking Indians? What haven't they done to fucking American Indians? They give these motherfuckers gin. You know what I'm saying? They invite them to an origin, give them fucking gin. They've tortured these fucking people. Bought in New York for what, 20 fucking dollars, and think about that shit.

Trick these motherfuckers like they ain't nothing here, though. For 20 fuckers, we'll give you 20 for gas. Get the fuck out of here. You know, fucking Jews, you know? What haven't they done? Cubans fucking, everybody's suffered. So, you know, fuck these all. Mexicans, California, but wasn't fucking Mexico.

When you see, you know that taco, what the fuck is it on the five? No, taco logo, you're the fuck. I'm the, when you're on the five, the big sign. King Taco, that's been there, you know, for 2000 fucking years. It started with a fucking guy in a mule selling tacos. And 2000 years later, he's got a fucking building,

and he's got two of them. So fuck you, motherfuckers. The fuck? Part of California, we took King Taco from Mexico. I'll never forget, I was in San Francisco. I was in San Francisco in 85. And I was dodging cops in Colorado. They wanted me for credit cards, an 87 or something like that.

And right before they came the next morning, I was out there and I went to San Francisco. It was the cheapest flight from, close that fucking door. It was the cheapest flight from Colorado, San Francisco, when I got to the airport. So I went to San Francisco and it was an education because my mother had died in 79. And I really wasn't around a lot of Cubans after that.

And I teamed up with these fucking Gangs District Cubans in San Francisco. They used to sell nickel bags and heroin. They just ran this fucking block down there. And they had the old guy, he had white hair, so they called him in, butyl. He was the purest one and you had to give him like a fucking 10% every day.

But you can go out there and fucking bend the mic thing since I spoke English, was I was the credit card man. They would give me all the credit cards and I'd go to China to see what they were doing. They'd give me all the credit cards and I'd go to China town and bang those motherfuckers out. Bang, bang, bang, you buy something. And you keep it under the limit.

Under $50, they wouldn't call it in in those days. They would check out a book. We was gonna check a tourist in a book. So I would go in there and buy something for, you know, $49 and bring it back and get cash. You know, go to Joey or take it to the corner and get $25 for whatever, you know. What's the point of this fucking story?

No, okay. No, okay. But it was very interesting. Sometimes the gloomy bed makes you forget. You gotta recoup, you know what I'm saying? The point of the story was that one day, I was outside with a poodle. We were out there, right?

I'll never forget this. And I never forgot the national. I didn't really know the history of Mexico at the time. I just always wanted to move to Mexico. At the age of 20, I was just gonna move to Mexico and shoot people. I was like, I'm kidding you. You know, when you're a kid and you're fucking Cuban,

who do you look up to? Tony Montana, he came later. Who the fuck do you look up to? There you go. Nobody. So as a Spaniard, fucking Mexicans in the Clint Eastwood movies, they had the fucking mustaches and they back it up for an hour and two hours

and go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they fucking shoot and richly balance. So I wanted to move to, and then after I saw a bomber, I was definitely moving to Mexico. I was gonna move somewhere with a hut, the old lady missing an eye, and she makes tamales for breakfast and she reads you the fortune of the day.

Fuck it, I'm in. But then all the fucking gang bangers and all that shit now, I got no refuge. The point of the story fucking being that one day I'm out there with a Buddha and me and him are just having a conversation about whatever the fuck it is. And some Mexican guy came up to him drunk,

beat up, talking English. The guy's like, hey man, you got five bucks and poor old didn't speak Spanish, didn't speak English. He looked at the guy, very insulted. And I don't know what he, and I don't know why. And also he just started yelling at this Mexican kid in Spanish. He goes, and this is what he said to him.

He goes, after all the kicks in the ass, white people have given you over the years. You wanna show up over here speaking English? Something fucked up. And the guy looked at him and just walked away. No moral to the story there, but I just wanna let you know. That's when I found out that what had happened with California. I mean, we lived in San Francisco and he was telling me

how San Francisco even belonged for the Mexicans and showed the point being everybody's fucking suffered. So I don't wanna hear it no more, all right? Afrikaans, they got taken from their fucking huts, puttin' boats and brought over. Got to Cuba, whipped, you saw an Armistad. We all saw Armistad, it was a fucking travesty, right? No matter who you were, when you watched Armistad,

there was one point, a movie theater, you looked down. And the movie theater, when they were whipping them and throwing them off the ship, you looked down. You were fucking embarrassed. Everybody's gotten their asses kicked. That's why from now, when you see these people crying, tell them, go fuck yourself. Everybody has a bad day, bitch.

You understand me? Do it, though. Do it. That's right. Do it. Pull the card back. As he's crying from the peanut allergy, I'm trying to get the epicad. Whoa, you were fucked up. Look at his eyes.

I'm getting there. What do you expect? I've had three quarters of one now. You were savage, Lisa, yeah. Jesus Christ. But it's true. He can't help you, and even if he could, you're Jewish, you're in no danger.

Right now, he's looking at you going, maybe he's a nice, nah, fuck him, he's Jewish. Where were you when they were kicking me in the stomach? Cocksuckers. Did you need me then? Oh, my God. What's up, dawg? Tell me, you just got sick from having a Jamba Juice, right?

I got so fucking sick from Jamba Juice. That's why you get free drinking that shit. Is that on the fucking no-go? Is that like texting you? That's on my no-go, too. That's a fucking no-no? Listen, man. Listen to me. Let's just talk about what's going on.

They talk about all the things that are bad for you in this country. Carbohydrate, sugar, all this fucking shit, right? You know how hard it is? Let me ask you people something. I'm a fat fuck. Unless you go to Gelsons, you know how hard it is to get fresh fucking froukers roused? Them motherfuckers.

You get there, bananas are fucking beautiful. You put them in the bag, you bring them home, you take a shit, you take a nap, you wake up, they're fucking purple. Rouse, those are fucking... You know those candles you buy on people's birthday? Well, they blow them out and they keep going on. That's fucking rouse.

They're a bunch of dirty fucking douchebags is what they are. And with the meat, too, you bring the fucking meat home, you flip it around, it's pink. The other side, it's black. It's like a... I can't even say it like what, but that's fucking... They always trick you fucking rouse. So, you know what?

When you're trying to lose weight, you're trying to be healthy, you want fresh bananas with your yoga in the morning, you strive to go out and fucking get different fruit. So Albertans is a fool? I don't know. I don't know. Every time I walk into Albertans,

I feel a little fucked up. I feel a little fucked up like that. And there's a couple of supermarkets that you walk into and you think you're in a fucking dream. Not rouse, but the understudy of rouse. What about Johns? Yeah, that one. They'll kill you there.

Jay, they're trying to trick you? And what's the one on Hollywood and Western, people? Hollywood and West. That's a bond, right? What's the name of that one? Food for less. Food for less. Oh, my God.

On Sunset. Sunset and Western. They make you park underneath. When you walk upstairs, you feel like you might get killed on the way up. There's even blood on the floor. There's blood and guts and like a mini skirt and shit. How you doing with that fucking mini skirt?

Everything alright? Or some fucking killer legs. What exercise plan do you have to maintain those fucking legs? Nothing. You just walk and shit. Fucking savage. That's what you do?

You don't go to the gym? Nothing. You're natural like that? I love Joey's ability. What nationality are you? Fuck. See what I'm saying? Those are fucking Mexican legs.

Those are fucking fenced legs right there. Those are some Mexican hoppers. You just fucking hop right over a fucking fence. With those things. Those are some bad motherfuckers. I swear to God, you are the only person I know that can say that and it's a fucking compliment.

It's true. I know. But if anybody else were to be like, Hey, it's sexual harassment. Don't fuck yourself. You have nice Mexican hoppers. You look like it's your defense. You're telling some people.

And again, I have a daughter at home and I'm fucking telling you this. I would never, I fucking love messing with women. Tell them how beautiful they are. One thing my mother stressed in me when I was a young man was to always tell women how beautiful they were.

That it would fucking change their life forever. She would go, they're going to change their life forever when you tell. And I do it. I was a comedian just to have a good time. I do it to see, and I don't say to a woman, excuse me,

I'm like a fucking faggot. I tell like a man. I tell a woman, she looks beautiful, like a fucking man. A couple weeks ago I was on a plane and there was this black chick that was banging this bitch

and she fucked Whitney Houston on the first out. This bitch was beautiful. A face, she looked like a goddess. And she had these fucking Pat Benatar boots on. And she walked up to me and she says, can I get you anything,

juice or water? And I go, before you go somewhere, those fucking boots are fucking smoking. She didn't know how to handle it. Women don't know how to handle it. At seven in the morning they can't handle it.

She just, she just got up and walked away like fuck this. They love her most of the time. We went to Denny's and we, Oh my God, I had this chick that looked like me.

Shit. Joey Diaz in a wig? This woman was ugly and sin. And I had her thick and she was Bridget Bardot. Yeah, that's bad. Every time she walked over, he'd look at her right in the face

and be like, you're a sexy savage. And I almost died because it's like midnight in North Hollywood. She looked at him and she goes, you know, you know, that's right.

Or she's like, she agrees with you. She's like, I try. I don't fuck around. I tell them, Oh my God. I break it fucking down. Why fuck around with a woman?

I hate when fucking women fuck around with women. Women don't get their nails done, shave their pussy, put on a nice dress, put on a song to go out and not be complimented. She was in Denny's uniform.

Maybe. Yeah, yeah. No, she was, look it. This lady looked like somebody kicked her every day. You know, those women, she looked,

she looked like a husband kicked her every day. Like, boom, wake up stupid. And he just left the room and she went to work and then he didn't see it. She worked all day.

She sleeps and by the time he woke up the next morning, he'd get up, look at him, punch her again in the back. This lady hasn't caught a break since 1981.

And I figured if I called her a sexy fucking savage, you know what I'm saying? And when you say, you got to say, well, like you're going to rip their fucking pit off, you know what I'm saying?

Does anybody can say you're a sexy savage? I'm like, that fucking guy just called me a sexy savage. I'm looking at inflict pain into your psyche for being good looking.

Actually, I'm trying to look, you look fuck like a black chick. When I see a black chick, I'll go up to them and they'll say, fuck, how can I help you? I'm taking the fucking Beyonce poster down.

And they'll go, what are you saying? I'm putting your fucking picture up, bitch. That's what I'm saying, you filthy motherfucker. And then when you call them a filthy motherfucker, they think you're a psychic.

How do you know I'm filthy? And after that, it's all over the shop. Next thing you know, you're 69 in a bathroom and shit. Well, what about that black hook you're friends with

in like Studio City? Like, we were having coffee one day. He just looks up, waves to people. He does that to mess with me. Like, anytime a girl walks in, she's really 80 years old. He waves, points at me,

and looks away. But next time, I swear to God, Leo'd be right here and the lady'd be right here and go, say it. And kind of go like that. And Leo turns purple.

And the lady's not even looking at us, but I do it perfect. I saw you. Dude, none of you can get away with that. I swear to God, it's only you. No, but it's,

it's like 11 a.m. in the morning. You look up and there's this hooker that's like, tall black girl walking. She has like a mini skirt on. You wave, she waves back. You look at me,

she's like, that's a black hooker I was talking about. Again, again, maybe the night before she was involved in a fucking gang bang scene

where they pissed on her and fucked a wig up and fucked in her ass and pissed in her fucking feet and she went home and felt bad about herself. She woke up the next morning even fucking...

What's that shit you gargle with when you pussy the night before? Listerine? Even Listerine can't take the pain in her mouth from the taste of cock and ass. You understand me? Even after,

she eats the counter-ocular and she gets up and she leaves the house and she's feeling bad about herself. It's nine in the morning this bitch is out there you know how I know? Cause I've seen her

and I'll be driving and she's a hooker and I know if you don't know she's beautiful. Guys, she's fucking beautiful. She's black,

beautiful face with a blonde wig. She walks around to hunger. Gelsons. I've seen her and every time I see her I open the window and I go

and I beat the horn and I go power and I take the fuck off. Before she can even walk to the car I don't even think don't even put your fucking black voodoo on me.

I don't even let her walk to the car she's beautiful and the flesh is weak I'm just a man you know what I'm saying? The fuck no, I let her feel good

about herself. She's walking she's feeling bad and I stop right there on Laurel Canyon she'll be walking strutting it this bitch is out there

strutting it with a red rain jacket on with an umbrella and it's 80 degrees out and she's black and beautiful I swear to God and I'll stop

that you bad motherfucker big, big and I'll take the fuck off and she sees me and she smiles cause I said at least one fucking guy

you know loves her for who she is loves her that's right I love her I never gave her a dollar but that don't mean I don't love her

I'm looking out for her I don't want nobody choking her she's out there giving out some fucking black pussy for a reasonable cause and there's people out there that can't deal

with that shit and they'll try to ruin her day I'm just trying to help her out hopefully in two years she'll realize she's a special kind

of motherfucker get out of the business and then she'll Facebook me and say you are a bad motherfucker you understand? yes

so you gotta give who cares she's a hooker she's out there by herself I know she ain't got a pimp cause I don't see no guy chasing her I saw her with my wife one day

and broke it down for my wife the baby was in the car we were on by T'Hungle Magnolia by the YMCA and she popped out from the alley way right there

and my wife's like look at her and I go what? you bad motherfucker and my wife's like what are you fucking crazy I go I know her

she's in the neighborhood she's alright and my wife's left and my wife knew right away you know she's like he's alright when did you talk to her

I didn't I never had a conversation with her but I broke it down I broke a few people she's out here selling pussy at 9 0 1 what the fuck

you'd be an amazing you'd be an amazing pimp for real I wouldn't be a pimp I'd be a motivational I'm not saying you want to do it I would make a woman want to go out there

and suck a dick right like we had like a sales meeting like at 10 o'clock I walk in there like Alex Baldwin and Glenn Garry

Glenn Roth remember that shit like that the shit what's my name fuck you that's my fucking name today's the day ladies

I got a bonus 22 cops when is the alarm clock what? second prize is a knife so you can kill yourself because if you can't suck 22 fucking dicks

there's something wrong with you you understand me my grandmother once sucked 28 dicks she never told me I got a Christmas card and she put an extra five hours in there

but if you can't suck 22 dicks in this fucking office go work for some other dumb motherfucker because here we got to suck 22 dicks it's 8 in the morning by 12

you can suck 22 dicks and hit the bonus okay daddy don't call me fucking daddy okay I'm your big sucking motivational speaker and also today

10th of the contest if you get fucked and he has five times that'll make you eligible for the trip to the Bahamas 100 ass fucks and pictures by the way

we need proof or a finger that smells what's the name of your whore dealership whore dealership I don't fucking know it's not a whore dealership okay

you guys appreciate it for the wrong things they're also motivational helpers consultants as you may call correct me how are you brother everything alright you all busy

not you I'm talking to this fucking guy right here what's up brother I didn't fucking see you there you bad motherfucker what's going on with you baby everything alright I'm happy to see you man

what's going on here how are you sexy everything alright what's going on with you Tarzan you're looking at the beard shaking what's the matter you're fucked up you better not be

you got this woman over here like she ain't fucking around look at those shoes you get hit with those fucking things those are Chelsea Handler's shoes you get hit with those motherfuckers right there you got a beautiful woman there

don't fuck around I can't have you passing out or getting dead dick I can't have that shit tonight I'm drinking that dark beer you better go to the water hey you got nice Mexican hot legs I'm sorry I tried

I complimented the shoes I know but in her imagination she's thinking he means my legs this motherfucker she knows she knows I'm complimenting the shoes

I know I compliment the fucking woman even if they make bad food just look at them in the face and go those are the best eggs I ever had in my fucking life that's a real mom's teacher dog

you see and you don't have to be you know we have this line in this country sexual harassment I come up to you squeeze your tit and spit in your mouth that's sexual harassment

but if a man walks up to you and you're a real fucking woman and you're walking to work thinking to whatever mind fuck you have to go wait on a bus or some fucking mind fuck you have and a man takes his time out to go look at I just walk the half a mile behind you

to tell you you got the best fucking ass in the world it's beautiful and you call the cops go fuck yourself that's why you're single that's why you're on the fucking bus because your feelings get hurt

you've never had a guy come on your forehead you just wipe it off and go where we going to lunch that's the problem understand man so please that's why you got us cut the line somewhere

if you're a woman I understand but man comes up to you and says those titties are on fire today if you get offended I can see you squeezed I'm gonna be sticking a finger in your pussy or up your ass

when you're walking that's sexual fucking harassment right there that's disgusting you can't grab it it's not it's not it's not it's not

it's not it's not sexual it's sexual harassment yes it is it's so many sticks of yeah yeah it is I'm sorry it's sexual assault

it's it's sexual harassment you know what I'm saying it's a felony once the cops get there let them fucking do the paperwork I don't know I don't know

I'm figuring the ass and sexual harassment in my book you finger crime you put a finger in my ass I'm not calling the cops I'm just I'm not coming over no more that's it

why would you come over if somebody tried to stick a finger up your ass and why would you do that to yourself now if I like to finger up the ass I'll come over and make believe I didn't like it what are you talking about no alright

alright try it one time don't put the hands all the way and I have this one time in the grammar school but you don't like a finger in the ass no I don't like somebody fingering me and looking at me

I like like you know like judging me and when I'm coked up I don't mind if you take your finger and machine gun my ass or a chick did it to me one time and Miami that felt good and you don't even put the finger up your ass

you just get your finger to be pointy and you fucking and you machine gun my ass and I'll tell you what the killer is ladies if you make the noise for me because I'm too macho to make the noise but you make it for me and then we'll join in together

you like you make that little Spanish noise hey hey hey and you machine gun that little asshole alright alright

and then the woman chimes in like puppy you like that you like that you like that and that little ass holds me after 8 minutes that's one Panama type shit up your ass

so you give up everything fuck it mommy give it to me give it to me fuck and put that finger up my fucking I've never had a whole finger up my ass but that little

massaging and all that I love all that shit with the finger the tongue is disgusting because I can't believe you're eating my ass once that's just disgusting I had a nasty bitch tell me

turn around one time not today that's disgusting I scratch my ass and sniff it you don't want to go there before you commit to that you should sniff a suck a cock

and see if you sniff the asshole but right or wrong why would you commit to the asshole did you start with eating your ass? like that was your opening move this was like 30 years ago I was a kid

and I was scared I was fucked I was all faggied up there I didn't know it if I would have known what I know now I would have picked up my fucking leg with a rope like a karate rope

I would have picked that motherfucker all the way up as high I would have had I would have repped everything and had a lick my asshole my fucking ball sack as it's opening like you know when they kill a cow

and they stab the inside I would have all that come right into a mouth like that because I love it fuck it but I was embarrassed I didn't want a chick sucking my ass

I was disgusting only I did that shit to women you know what I'm saying I don't want you doing shit to me I used to lick ass I like that age I didn't like nobody down there and she's like turn around

fuck you you nasty motherfucker that's disgusting at that age I was like 24 I didn't like that shit I wasn't gonna go for that but now fuck I wish somebody said let me asshole shit

I'd get him a knife and fork fucking fuck it cut me I don't give a fuck I'm one of those freaky motherfuckers cut me in the leg I want my leg to have those razor blades

pots out of it nothing's worse than my ass I think about my ass is the like the least that's the biggest punishment for you ever to eat my fucking ass it's horrific so why are you

you're like you're doing like how could you ask me that bad is that what you're saying to me yeah it's horrific it's so horrific like going to my ass I don't like it I actually

I just know what my listen I just know what's gone through my ass I don't want nobody there you know what I'm saying I know what's gone through my ass I know that thing isn't you know what I'm saying

it's disgusting I would never want somebody to but I like eating ass I mean at first you think it's like a taboo like you don't think about it but then you get deeper when you're eating pussy

and you sniff maybe you sniff and you go it's not that bad cause you always assume that somebody's ass gonna smell as bad as yours but not everybody's a fucking animal you understand me

some people take care now I take care of my asshole but you know you can't repair the damage do you eat ass? over the years you guys think this is a joke he calls me every day asks me what I ate

and then he asks me to sniff my asshole like what would he do right now if a girl wants to lick your asshole he'd say hummus every day I don't guess what I ate he'd be like you went to that Mediterranean place again didn't you

trying to insult me do you like my shit do you like hummus? he hates that shit he hates it you can't even bring it up whatever there's so many there's so many fucking things

that I don't like I left him a voicemail that was a horrible decision I texted him four times in a row and he just called me he's like I'm gonna break your fucking fingers if you text me one more time

there's all kinds of food shit it's not okay I didn't know about the fucking what's your ranch yeah ranch is off the list hummus too? hummus is horrible hummus more than fucking ranch

hummus more than ranch like I wish you cancer if you fuck around with ranch but if you fuck around with hummus I wish you fucking death I ate fucking hummus it's disgusting I hate the texture of it

and ranch dressing too is fucking disgusting with wings you wanna put it on your sandwich just knock yourself out I took offense when people put it on their wings there's some places you go I went to Irvine

and they said they had great wings and I go does it come with blue cheese and they said no I go do you have blue cheese they said no I said let's go you left you have no business there

why would you want to deal with these people it's like going to a place look at if you go to a Mexican place and the nachos blow you gonna order the entree are you that fucking stupid

all of you is that fucking stupid if the nachos are fucked up and the chicken looks like fucking liver and all this shit would you order let's stay and try the shrimp really you dumb motherfuckers you follow me

if you go to a Japanese place and the chick brings you a soup with a finger in the fucking soup you gonna order the sushi do you eat sushi on a Thursday no the truck comes on Monday and Friday why are you eating sushi

on the last day of the fucking cycle I have my reasons people that fucking meat that you fucking momos eat when you go to Vegas you get fucked up you get fucked up in Vegas and then you go eat that

let's go get a steak for $1.75 with eggs are you fucking crazy do you think they're giving you a real steak let me give you this lesson again you fucks but thank you for coming out the steak goes to a fucking supermarket

the supermarket don't sell it it goes back to the fucking butcher the butcher ain't gonna lose money on it so they dip it in this chemical I forget what it's called and it makes the meat go back to pink again and it gives it like another week and a half

they take that fucking meat and they send it to Vegas that chemical that you dip it in it's not gonna get you sick it'll kill you but you know when you go to Vegas you take that first shit you take that first shit

you take that first shit and your stomach hurts and you're a little dizzy for a little while that's that fucking meat shade that's called mafia meat they do the same thing with chicken they do the same when you go to poor your truck

when you go to poor your local what do you think you're eating fucking chickens that die happy is that what you motherfuckers think that's why they give you a chicken for $1.50 because you're eating the happy chicken that die like

he went in there and they electrocuted him happy fuck no that's why the fuck is getting getting whipped since he was a chick spit on kick pushed around

adopted they sent them off to a different barn in a different fucking country in Colombia or something out there in the rain eating fucking pigeon shit then they sell them back to fucking jack in the box

but you know and then we eat them for ten cents then you wonder why your face is turning fucking purple I'm sorry people I get emotional about this shit I'm just trying to break it down for you fucking people

why do you think the lettuce tastes so fucked up in a McDonald's burger you think that's because it's oh it's been out on the shelf no because it's from fucking Nicaragua that's what they did

that's why in the area those people being the kids been growing up with an extra eyeball and no hearing and fucking three legs and shit but McDonald's pays you this we don't read that shit

on the paper I don't know this for sure but you gotta assume this shit you have to assume this shit you have to assume this matter you gotta assume that this mother of these people you know

I'm serious people you gotta think that we're getting fucked in the ass at every level every time you get a fucking deal you go to Holiday Inn Express and I'm just using them

I'm just throwing out a name you go there and every time every eight stays you go you get a free room just like that they're gonna give you a free room

then you get home and a week later you're scratching and you got fucking bed bugs there's always a fucking by the way with these cock suckers and then don't give a fuck you know when fucking

I'm not bringing your mother fuckers down I'm just dropping some knowledge on your mother fuckers because I fly all the time and so does Tom Segura in two years you're gonna have to pay for a bunch of add-ons

to go in the extra fast security lane in two years your wait's gonna be three hours when you fly on purpose there's gonna be one lady with fucking one eyeball and one arm looking at your thing

what sign are you three people a fucking hour you're gonna have to pay extra because they already got you on the fuel cost what they making on fuel the airlines last year two billion

they're fucking greedy when you fly out now and you fly out look at the poor people who are on regular lines look at the people who don't fly a lot and don't have express

they sit there like fucking donkeys in a year it's gonna be three three hours to fly and those people you have to pay extras they're gonna make another lane in between first class and the fucking peasants

you guarantee me you guarantee me I'm just dropping on you they're gonna fuck us at every level you know what I'm saying I'm sorry I'm getting you people down I know you're missing fucking Discovery Channel shows

so I'm trying to fill you in on it it's 100% true it's true we're getting fucked at every level you know so please you have to assume that these things are gonna happen and I just thought about this

the other day because I see when you you fly United and I think Delta they have a thousand add-ons United will sell you an express first class security pass

for $60 each way so you can fly with the Puerto Ricans in the back of the plane with handcuffs on you ever get in the back of a plane one of those expedient tickets you're sitting on a milk cart with three guys playing fucking dice

with handcuffs on and shit okay that's spirit airlines fly spirit you're flying in the back with prisoners and shit do you remember do you remember when they started

across the board bag fees they started it when the oil prices went up and then they went down and they never dropped them and they never dropped them because they were like we made crazy money

on 25 a bag it's 40 now I think 40 to me or 40 whatever I'm sorry I'm medallion never mind 40 a fucking bag $40

for fucking a bag people I want you to close your eyes for one minute and think about this shit $40 fucking dollars per bag

on top of your plane ticket on top of your cab on top of your meals on top of fucking Mickey Mouse $120 and take a picture with them on top of all this shit that's 20

you got three or four bags each way that's a hundred fucking 60 just in luggage to fly you know this is just a fucking you know we can't even go to a fucking lake again we can't even fucking go to a

lake again if you think about that $240 for a fucking ticket in the medium level you know who has $240 at the end of the fucking you know yeah if you will smear it from the kids

jump it up and down you know or you're a fucking Scientologist you got whatever to fuck but let's face it you know we get fucked at every fucking level now what's greyhounds

they'll start fucking you up the ass you know I talk about all the time don't even think of calling Sprint I love Sprint I've been with them for ten years you know why because I'm sick

I know I'm gonna get fucked in the ass on AT&T I'm gonna get fucked in the ass at Nextel so what you think about now is the least fucking in the ass you're gonna get are they gonna fuck me

over and over again they're just gonna fuck me once get a sandwich and pass out that's what you're hoping that they fuck you one time then they go away and they pass out you know it's the people that ask you for $250 for this

$250 for that so what why do you love Sprint so much I don't know this because I've been with them since day one and that's the other problem we have that was such hoars

there's loyalty programs stay with these people guess what bro I didn't want an iPhone Sprint fucking gave me one because I wasn't gonna pretend fucking here they just gave you one they called me and they go

you got one for like a buck and a half how can I lose I don't give a fuck I don't text I don't want nothing I don't want nothing I don't want no fun I don't give a fuck what you call me in

I rather you don't fucking call me that's Tom Segura I rather people don't fucking call me no he does not like if I need you I'll fucking call you and answer the fucking phone when I call you don't call me back on out or later I got like three people who always call me

and I finally told me I call you immediately when you think of calling me take it out no no no there's three or four people in my rotation yeah I got you when you call them they don't answer

and then they call you as you're about to wipe your ass as you're carrying groceries up as I'm chasing my daughter's diaper and I know who they are I know who they are as the phones ringing I take a guess

three people it's the same Rick Reynolds is one of them that motherfucker I waited for his call I left the car I got in my wife's car started up

I can't get the fucking blue speaker blue tooth the blue tooth you know I'm doing my blue speaker whatever the fuck it is I'm doing 90 I'm Magnolia

then he wants to call me back whether you need fuck you now motherfucker now I don't need you for dick I called you 20 fucking minutes ago I forgot what I fucking called you for that was 18 mind fucks ago try me again tomorrow

what's up Rick get your shit together fucking Rick that's right Rick get your shit together what's up bro everything alright huh

is it hitting you you're staying black over there wow we're both at the pool we're mad at you for the gummy is it strong enough yeah it's strong enough but when you

when Ari did this and he gave us both a whole one oh my god that was the worst I drove from here to Santa Monica and I had a three pump system and it took me like two hours

to get there three you had a what the gas pedal I would do three pumps three pumps the fuck are you talking about I was driving from here

to Santa Monica on a whole gummy bear and I just was doing I figured out in my head if I did the gas pedal for three times I'd say like

what the fuck wait a minute do you drive a fucking model team from 1912 it felt like it when I was on the fucking whole thing three pumps

today we called them we were ten minutes away we called them it took them 35 minutes to get there and my wife goes where is he I go listen

it's Lisa he's doing 30 in the right hand lane behind 80 fucking people and a guy on a bike there's some people you call me a noon

on a Saturday there's eight miles of traffic in the valley but there's way too much fucking Magnolia okay you cut the fucking burbank

you go straight and you cut the fucking Magnolia and you avoid all those idiots you're fucking Joey's like recollection of any city's streets

is unbelievable like whether you live there or visit like when I was in New York a few weeks ago you call you like where are you

hey oh hey I'm in New York you going to Jersey I'm like yeah we're on the way to the bridge right now you're gonna cross the bridge you're gonna see

a fucking donut shop on the right I was like there you go alright then you're gonna see a bridge are you there I'm like no we're in fucking traffic it's not like real time flying

like we're not like then you're gonna see you're gonna see the York Hotel on the right and I go okay that's where the Iceman used to cut people up put them in the basement

and I'm like and I go okay next to that there's an elementary school and I go okay and he goes that's where I went to school

and I go alright he's like just keep an eye out for it stay black brother fuck you would think so the scariest moment in my life we shot a documentary

three years ago and he was giving me banana bread the entire time but we had like a six in the morning flight cause it's Joey Diaz he saw four in the morning he gave me banana bread

we got in the car he was doing 90 to JFK but apparently he forgot you forgot how to get there so you had me like with a real map high as fuck

yelling at me cause we missed it like four times we would stop at a tow booth he'd be like next exit so how he'd miss it he's yelling at me

fuck I'm yelling at him because he's doing that he's laughing I'm like Lee Lee where's the exit

I'm like I swear to God you don't stop laughing I'm gonna throw you out the car I had to go into this fucking bodega in Harlem with bulletproof glass

and shit oh my God I'm like where's Canada Airport the guy's like I don't know what the fuck I'm like what the fuck

and some cab drive I get my five bucks he's like make a U-turn get on that street and we got lost again Lee

where's the map I don't you can't get me banana bread he was dying he was dead he thought it was he didn't sleep the whole fucking night

he went I left him with two red rolls and pork fried fucking rice all night oh that's another one alright so we were in the Chinese place he met a friend

and apparently it was my job to watch your bag which I didn't know so we went outside with a friend he hasn't seen they closed the Chinese place and we got back to your friend so he was like

where's my bag I'm like I don't know what your bag is we got back to the Chinese place but you're bringing on like the back door you're like trying to break into the Chinese place to get your bag

you were so mad I forgot about that you forgot your bag you looked at me like half an hour later you're like where's my bag what's a three-pump system for driving

oh please oh please this is wait wait automatic car who told you about this no one I got high

on the fucking whole edible of an automatic car I figured if I did I like to accelerate you specify that it's automatic like it fucking stands out from the rest of us

alright fine so you get in your car accelerate lift my foot up accelerate lift my foot up oh my god there's no one on the road

it's midnight and Pasadena so you give people nausea when they're in your car with you when I'm on a full edible yes when I'm on a full one

at the devil so sober do you drive like this no so just high just want to have a fucking how many milligrams of tea or tea is that and you fucking

I don't know when he drives in the daytime he keeps his forget the three-point system he does the one-point system and he gets in the right hand lane and if there's a bus

if there's a bicycle or a no lady doing ten he's behind us but you're cutting them off if there's a crowd you gotta cut them off fuck that bitch I don't give a fuck

I got shit to do with people to say you can't walk down his fuck where I'm on I'm fucking you ever see those bitches they're blind you won't even walk down your window you'll beep twice

you'll vote for me cock sucker and he's go vote for me vote for me we won't even be driving and he'll come take a ride and I'll get in

I'll get in and he'll beep beep like everybody the cleaning people fucking random girls you know like make fun of their outfit if she's wearing like a hooded sweatshirt

I'll be like what the fuck is she doing wearing hooded sweatshirt beep beep and zoom off won't even see won't even see me how you feeling Lee

I torment people who stand online out of text to me calling me you want to really piss me off let me catch you standing on a fucking line somewhere what's that place in Hollywood for eggs that you hate

the griddle I don't know ask him you know he hates a place I hate the fucking place which place the food is delicious but I want to break it down for you I'm a square root type of motherfucker

they're fucking eggs it's a breakfast place it's two fucking eggs okay why are you standing online here's the beauty of it it's the griddle and if you cross fat facts

there's a breakfast place and the bagel fucking place and one of those not gels but whole foods but they're still fucking a bunch of momos with their acting size

yes always actors out there yes you know drinking water oh my god I'm so healthy and they're standing on one I see you standing on one this ain't fucking Russia dog

we have freedom here but it's not like you're standing on one for a fucking blow job or the worst one the worst one is pinks oh

I beat that come two days ago yesterday Friday I beat the there was like ten of them bang bang they all turned around

I gave them a finger and I kept fucking driving I give people a finger all the time they're standing on one they're standing on one I give people a finger all the time they're standing on one it's the most fucking subpar hot dog

in America it's the worst hot dog in America there's a line of fucking 80 people because it's the worst hot dog it's amazing you will ever eat in your life I went there and could not believe

the bun was fucking yellow the fucking chili looked like like like Lee's asshole yeah it looked like

boom it was just this guy everything I threw it away how people stand that there's one other place where people stand but not Philippe's that's a good fucking place

Starbucks? huh? Starbucks? those fucking ideas there's just a bunch of places that you see now and you're like if I was in a machine gun

a place I'll tell you the one thing there's a fucking machine gun right there I would want a machine gun more than anybody waiting in line for food

like any place really but around this city the only place more than a food place is when you drive like on a Thursday or Friday or Saturday night

through Hollywood and you see assholes waiting in line for a fucking like a club like a night club that is throw a grenade

into the line absolutely they're the worst people in humanity they're the absolute but see but see Lee explained it to me

somebody else explained it to me that's part of the that's part of the whole thing Lee you go to that no no no no no we were talking one day we were talking one day

and he explained to me he explained to me when somebody from Iowa comes out right okay they're not putting down Iowa I'm just saying they come out

for a weekend they ask their friends what's the hip club their friend says you gotta go to whatever this race camp levity they go there

and stand there for eight hours nothing happens you know you go there you stand you pay money and then you go home you can't talk

cause the music's too fucking loud everybody's ten years younger than you they're all on some drugs you know for me to go to a little place they have to be fucked up like quailude

A-ball A-ball in my pocket you know fucked up good friends of me to watch my back open bar like that shit

I would wait online for eight minutes yeah but I know I don't want I don't know why just the food thing gets in my fucking

I just and it just makes me that place on magnolia I off-alankish I'm called bird or eat for years

I saw the line there and I went in there to eat one day and it was fucking atrocious it was fucking atrocious it's for people to be different why would you go to Denny's I go to this place called

eat oh my god it's fabulous the spinach omelet has no gluten in it and they put a peanut in it but they killed the kid

and now they don't who gives a fuck the fuck is wrong with you you ever go to Joe Peep's on magnolia what Joe Peep's on magnolia oh I just talked to you about this

that is the worst pizza it's crazy it's a fucking suitcase it's a pizza that is the size of like a fucking like a super swamper

it's a fucking 65 inch tire and they throw like entire hands on it like they don't even slice them there's just full fucking birds on it

it's the most enormous fucking thing you've ever seen and they're like that's just a pizza that's a regular pizza it tastes so bad I went in there

because the acupuncture was up the corner and I used to go to karate and sometimes I would leak kung fu and I wouldn't eat so they had a pastrami place and then I one day

I go let me go to slice the pizza it's eight weight watcher points it really is eight points so I go in there and the pizza they give me a slice I looked at it

before it hit when it hit the grease in the bottom jumped up which fucked me up a little bit and I'm not scared of a little grease you tip that motherfucker over

you know what I'm saying the cheese was not good you can see that you know what they have is like it's pre-made I went somewhere I went to meet Ari and I went to a place

called Rocco's on Wilshire the other day I had to throw both fucking slices away really? they both away they folded like a piece of fucking wonder bread you know

and it's like if you don't have you never ate pizza don't fucking cook it are you with me? what are you a fan of? do you like do you like like old

like New York style do you like thin do you like thick what do you like? I don't want it to taste good I don't give a fuck about nothing I'm just fucking kidding all I want is a slice

listen to me listen to me listen to how simple I am this is why if you're that bad I can't do business with you if you can't give me a cheese slice that's what the relationship adds

I go to these places first of all it's a slice you know why it's in New York you know what the difference between a slice and a New York slice let me tell you

motherfuckers get between a slice and a New York slice a New York slice a motherfucker comes up to you and says what do you have and you go a snapper

and two slices the motherfucker turns around opens the freezer gives you the fucking snap on himself he takes the slice he opens it up throws in the oven

he comes back without the fucking glove on who gives a fuck about the glove he takes your five and if you tell him extra crispy take it right out whatever

he gives it to you and then he turns around himself and he takes it on he gives it to you that's a New York slice that means I'm on a fucking move motherfucker

I love living here but this is what it's become here Hi, how are you? I need two slices okay Maria, give me a soda Pepe, give me two slices now Pepe is watching

Telemundo he fucking walks over it couldn't even tell Pepe the two slices they gotta write it and put it in a thing Pepe comes over and looks at it

he looks through the slices he sees your cheeses he puts them in he closes them and he goes back to watching Telemundo and that's another fucking six minutes

and he takes that slice out and he puts it on the window and they bang a thing and the waitress brings you the fucking slice that's a slice that means I got two hours I don't have two fucking hours

that's why I'm eating a fucking slice if I had two hours would I be eating a piece of shit slice? No! I'd be at a restaurant like a white person

scratching my nuts with glasses on holding a glass and shard go whatever the fuck wine it is and fucking ordering duck a la rouge or whatever

but I'm gonna fucking move I just smoke the joint I'm going to a meeting I need to focus I need something fucking quick cock-sock-sock I don't want to go to the subway can you help me up

with a fucking slice? it takes two fucking minutes but you've taken this process and you've turned it into 29 fucking minutes and the waitress gotta bring me two slices so I stop eating

fucking pizza then I go to the mall up here at the Galleria Rocco's is up there whatever the fuck it is lose whatever I go up there

cause they got an amusement park you take the baby you drop her off you shoot up you get two slices and I get two slices from my wife same thing

how many fucking times I tell the girl fucking don't burn the fucking slice bitch wait there she does she puts it then she starts a conversation so what are you doing tonight?

oh my god I went to see this band like I had a tattoo on his eyeball when he would blink the fucking cymbals would bang whatever take the fucking slice out

you dumb motherfucker I even give you three hours in front of you there take the fucking slice out and you're still fucked so I don't have time for that shit

because she's never been on a move can you explain we went to Denny's and you got a milkshake light what does that mean? I've been meaning that sin sin sin

sin sin why would I want a ball like I know me too this is fun this is fucking anything fucking fun I want to drink the fucking thing tonight

tonight not tomorrow I'm gonna take it home wait for it to fucking melt and drink it in the morning if I want a thick shake I'm gonna fucking whatever the fuck

the burger joint or the fucking Wendy's no, the other fucking place in and out that's the fuck right or wrong I want a chocolate shake thin

that means a little bit of fucking milk ice cream a lot of milk and fucking Hershey's syrup with whipped cream on the top that's what thin is if you can't fucking figure that out again

how am I gonna order the fucking pot roast you understand me if you fucked up my milkshake why are we talking about pot roast and vegetables and shit

you fucked up my milkshake and she brought a thick right or wrong both times, yeah both times they don't fucking comprehend we have a system you had a second cup

you poured some out you were doing the spinny story thing yeah, that's what I want to do I want to spin fucking milk while I'm there for five hours I'm a fat fuck I want to eat today

I don't take nothing to go I ain't got time for to go there's no to go in my fucking world okay my wife likes that she goes to Starbucks she brings the half a cup of coffee in the car

why are you bringing that shit in the car you didn't drink it you didn't drink it throw that motherfucker out I don't want no coffee in the car I hit a turn now I got cold coffee on my fucking leg

now I gotta drive around with cold stinky fucking coffee on my leg get that fucking container out of here where there's no I don't give a fuck throw it in the fucking parking spot I don't give a fuck

give it back to the Starbucks man don't leave it in my fucking car then you leave it in here and the coffee seeps out and it gets on my fucking quarters and now I got fucking coffee on my fucking quarters now I don't like throwing in my fucking car

I don't like eating in my car I don't like eating in my hotel room you know they give you this hotel room where they put the back room by the fucking door so I take one of those animal shits the whole fucking room stinks

I don't want room service there then the room service the chicken and the fucking ass mix did you guys know that it's completely against to go drinks like do you understand

you fucking morons they carry this shit around when I'm thirsty I'll get another bottle of water but you're gonna walk around all afternoon with the fucking but they can't they can't get in your

drink the fucking thing alright they can't get in your car with a bottle of water I don't want no no I don't want nothing in my fucking car I don't give a fuck

don't even think I eat in my car I don't want nothing in my car nothing maybe a water maybe water get decent I always wondered why you do that like every time we go to like 7-Eleven

we'll stand and hang out by like the coolers and we'll just talk like if we never get in the car and go home you just learned right now well I just thought you wanted to hang out for a second

and it realized you didn't allow food in this car you're finishing your food I don't want no food in my car cause people get stupid and they spill it then they go home and now you got a sticky fucking quarters

I don't like sticky fucking pennies when I go to Ralph and I put them in the fucking bucket and they're all sticky and if I got 19-21 with the Indian head I'm getting my thousand dollars by the way

that's the fucking I was thinking that that is the most depressing question if you go to an In-N-Out I hadn't been in a while and I went to it and they go are you eating in the car tonight?

and you're like I guess and they're like yeah like it's like a sad moment that you share with them and they're like

it's a specific box for sad people and they hand you the box it's the saddest fucking moment you're like yeah I am eating in the car tonight and they're like we're the only place that thinks about how sad people are

when they come through here so we have this box for you and you're like alright thanks I'll eat in my car but I guess you don't do that for sure when I was a kid

and I came from Cuba little fucking dirty Irish kids I hung out with used to bombard the acidic Jews and what they would do is you put a needle hole in it and you put it under your bed for like 10 days

and you crack that egg and you have no idea the odor of that egg that's out it is harmful to your health you want to fuck with somebody in your building take an egg

put a fucking needle in it leave it in your closet where it's not going to break for two fucking weeks and then walk in front of the motherfuckers door and throw it on his little fucking welcome mat

and take off oh my god it smells horrible and what's your nickname for acidic Jews? my favorite stinkies do you know what's worse than that

leave a McDonald leave a fucking onion ring under your seat for three days in your car in the sun and go in that motherfucker three days later and then see why Joey

doesn't allow food in this fucking car then you'll say and then you'll remember who left an onion ring in my car watch how angry you call that motherfucker did you drop onion ring? the other day

no I didn't it wasn't me motherfucker who the fuck was it? after you left the onion ring man came and put an onion ring under my fucking seat you get fucking pissed

it's like taking somebody drunk out and they puke in your car that's the first time and you're like look at you all want to kill that person for a minute you're just looking at them and you're pushing them out

and you don't give a fuck it's the 101 you don't give a fuck you're like puke outside the car and they're like and you don't know and you just either got it washed or it's brand fucking new

or your grandmother lent you the car for the night and this motherfucker is puking in the front seat on the valour and you want to take him by the head and something controls you like before you kill him you're like

this is a nice show tonight don't you think it's a it's a very it's a very it's a very it's a very raw show and it's starting out warm with your legs

your legs set the fucking night off so thank you for coming and thank you for wearing a skirt tonight and showing those fucking tremendous motherfuckers you know what I'm saying

you enjoy getting guys and head scissors and squeezing their fucking head like like a fucking pistachio so they're looking at you so they're looking at you like that fucking guy

in casino when they put his head in the vice and his eyeball was sticking out and he gives up the name and he's looking at you a fucking monkey but he's thinking about the pain

and he won't tap out fucking I'll take this that's it people we fucking did New Year's we managed we got a new year we did a Valentine's

that bullshit we did Washington's birthday we did Lincoln that cock sucker now we got we got St. Patty's

and then we got Spring is here already and you know what man fuck these motherfuckers in California we've had spring here since you know it is

it really is really beautiful living here that's why I get up every morning the first thing after I smoke pot or vapor or whatever

I say it's a beautiful day to be alive it's the most important thing you know you put on Good Morning American fucking sitting in a fucking airport

or pushing show you ever sit there in the morning you see those you're in your robe drinking coffee you're looking outside the sunshine in California

and also they show you New York and you see those fucking idiots pushing the car pushing the car and shoveling and you feel fucking smart

for those five minutes like I did good fuck those motherfuckers I may not have a job but I ain't shoveling snow you know what I'm saying I may not have a job but think about that

so please always keep that in mind how fun yeah we're waiting for an earthquake who gives a fuck when it happens you can smell earthquake weather

you can smell earthquake weather it gets hot it gets hot misty and shit like that but who gives a fuck I'd rather take one day earthquakes and you know

getting chased with people with rocks or whatever the fuck's gonna happen then the fucking winter the east coast went through this went through so we're very lucky man and that's why

it's a beautiful fucking day tonight it's beautiful we think those people were in New York like bikinis oh it's 40 degrees fuck you but you're surrounded

by 59 feet of snow so you're living in an igloo bitch New York City is a big fucking igloo so anything you want to add tonight Lisa?

no every podcast I beg them not to eat edibles I beg them I tell every guest he's gonna give you one offstage he's gonna give you one onstage don't do the one offstage

and every week he makes me feel like like I've been insulting him like I'm hurting his feelings by not having an edible and every month I do it me you are

you are the fucking hidden gem here I need you loose if not you're all tight you're lucky you're lucky tonight I cancel things cause tonight was your doom night you're lucky you're lucky I love you

you're lucky you worked hard today the whole time leg girl with any girl you know you know she has a fucking name Lee alright with any girl you know

I have a fart in the guy's face no exactly you've been torturing me for two years no girl every week I go from a different state in a different website

for like $400 he's gonna fly in and like the worst was when he said he was gonna tape her asshole shut so she couldn't poop for like four days you're in the fart fetish no

I'm very not but he says he's gonna have a girl fart in my face he's gonna have a girl fart in your face no he's not it was king asked you don't understand I wanted to be

I wanted to be I wanted to be I wanted to be I don't want my sponsors to get mad escapepod.com Dollar Shave Club Hulu Plus Honor

Nature Box Nature Box and NailedItLife.com I don't want nobody to get pissed but you know Lee had listen I go to I do a bunch of things

that overcome my fears I go to acupuncture to overcome my fear of needles I go to fucking jujitsu to make a breed better with sleep apnea I do all these things to overcome my fear

if Lee doesn't like the smell of the look of assholes makes him nervous you gotta get that fart in his face I never understood why he's a sweetheart of a guy you know I just want to

no one's ever gonna do it no one would ever do it I want them to commit there's no way legs lit you know there's a price for everything in life you know what I'm saying

sometimes you go to a woman and go hey I need you to do me a favor can you fart in my face wait can we I still say not right now but I'll say hey maybe 450 give me 10 minutes

you know what I'm saying let me let me whip one up maybe I got a liver in the back too why don't you arrange will you arrange for this for real to happen I want

Lee doesn't understand that the Kardashians I want Lee to look at this is the best he's gonna tell me I'm gonna make 10 million 10 million dollars

but don't pay for you you guys you have no I hang out with the only Jews that never think like Jews they've become gentiles over the years

I grew up with Jews that would kill you on the spot for a stamp collection that they look at you like but if you let them kill then they'll kill you these Jews are treacherous if you're a Jew

you gotta be treacherous fuck this baggy shit I want Jews that are hard-hitting motherfucking shit understand me they burn houses they kill cats

I don't wanna know about them I don't know if I hang out with the Jews cause they're fucking ruthless fuck rocks they shoot motherfuckers with bazookas fuck these these little Jews

if I was a Jew do you think I'd fucking be nice do you think I'd fucking be nice if I was a Jew I'd have a yarmulke with a swat stick and that motherfucker okay

with a shirt that said suck my dick I'm Jewish bitch I would sue everybody do you understand me I'd be fucking a gazillionaire I'd own Pasadena all these streets are broken

and these streets they had a crack in the fucking sidewalk I would fall in that motherfucker and I would commit I'd break an ear I'd commit stitches in my day

every stitch was like 20,000 did you know that no a finger was like 80,000 fuck yeah when you went to a good Jew attorney he'd tell you would you break a leg

let me see if I can get you did you get stitches that they carry you in there did you pass out I'll get you like 80,000 if I've learned one thing that's a good Jew right there that's a fucking real Jew

what happened if I've learned one thing it's what do you have to say the first thing you say when you fall is did I pass out did I pass out he tells me like every other week

if you guys ever fall listen you ever broke don't fuck around don't rob that's for fucking amateurs you gotta fucking rob with your mind you go to Rouse

you spend some money first listen to me you spend money first don't be a fucking Puerto Rican and not do this the right way you gotta cover your ass uncle nobody tells you this at these comedy shows

they go ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm a teacher nobody teaches you how to commit fraud normally at shows it's not fraud it's a living for some people

and you have to sometimes take advantage it's right in front of you Rouse they got stores everywhere there's two ways we could do it we could go in the Rouse there's construction people and say how you doing

we came from the office we're here to construct another lane and they don't know about the lane it's our lane you know what I'm saying there's always a sale on that lane like ten percent

that's old school or you're going around she spent twenty, thirty dollars lots of pay or whatever the fuck school no fish and you come out you pay

you're very friendly oh my god can I get bonus points oh my god I'll be able to go to Shell and save ten cents per gallon you go to your car and you pop your car

and you run in run in this is the key running because the cameras will see you fuck up the applesauce nobody tells you this shit this is your uncle Joey

because I care about you let's say you don't do it at least you could pass this on at Thanksgiving some year you're with your family somebody's broke they're desperate they're going to kill somebody

fuck no go to Rouse let me tell you how they do it they're running they go to applesauce knock an applesauce down you knock down the Rouse brand let you go for the

what's a good one the good motherfuck motz motz that's the shit to mix with raspberry now they mix that motherfucker with cranberry late night with a law and order

when you got caught in mouth bang but on the way back with the motz you slip on the fucking applesauce right there understand me sorry about that you slip on the applesauce

make sure you bang your head on your hand somebody will run up to you and they'll wake you up are you okay? don't tap commit every second is 10,000 I'll get you 10,000

just give me a week I gotta dig the attorney up he's in Jersey every second you're like oh god I need help 911 you're on the clock bitch

you just punched him right there but Joey's going to make you some cash quick let them go let them cash quick let them come in weeee let them pick you up

this is all on camera you're getting paid bitch you're sad now you'd never be an extra again you're sad man then when the fucking stretcher that's when you

what are you doing to him who are you sir what's your name right there you took up your head a little bit just a little bit like those last words and then shot you

it's the same thing you said come up to me go did I pass out $25,000 a word that's 100 Gs I'm looking for 5 points just hit me on Facebook

Joey I made 100 grand I'm going to give you 5,000 right there's 100 grand did I pass out okay you're on the clock and do it right on the way out of work

you got to tell them I'll be here tomorrow don't be a fucking idiot and take vacation then they find out then you fuck me up you understand me now you go to the hospital

you beg that motherfucker every day in the hospital that's fucking 10 Gs in your butt and when you're in the hospital you ain't coming through you ain't coming back till like 8 or 9 days

you don't even every time they come in you tell me you're a Vietnam vet I'm George Washington I'm Lincoln I'm fucking Abraham Lincoln you tell them Castro you marched

then you just go back to bed just get up march and go back to bed every day I'm making you money I'm compounding your interest daily fuck your fucking IRA fuck away

nobody can steal this from you after 9 days you come too oh my god what happened and your wife comes in and says who are you who are you

and that's another fan and that's more cash you don't know nothing I don't know nothing I don't know no sabo no sabo no sabo

no sabo just meal whatever well 14 days you're holding out like a soldier that's fine they're feeding you they're taking bags

you're shitting you're pissing you're okay got a couple of hooves in your ear they're looking into your eyeballs who cares a fuck you can put up with that shit I'm making you money I'm getting you paid

a couple blood tests you know what I'm saying then you snap out of it you come oh my god I'm Tom Segura then you call me Uncle Jordan in the hospital

for three weeks I don't know what to do and then we'll get to the attorney and don't say nothing until he comes sees you don't have a yarmulke fucking dirty fingernails like you just dug up a body that's the guy you want

it's like having a skinny chef I don't want no skinny chef fuck that little fuck that x-ray motherfucker I want a fat fucking chef you know what I'm saying 800 pounds making me fucking angry

how you guys doing all right any questions you guys want to lay on you guys want to learn how to burn a building I know how to do all that shit I didn't learn this from white people or black people or Puerto Ricans

I learned this from Jewish people how to burn a building effectively even the fire department is stumbled they're stumbled there yeah yeah I know right the combines

is that wine yeah it's wine I thought that was stuff cranberry yeah that's fine speaking of the combines right the gay player yeah

that's always fucking hypocritical they're gonna fucking this kid's gonna get hurt in the first pre-season game why it's they're gonna send some fucking guerrilla on every steroid they're gonna just pump

they're ready call them ready come here we got a little training camp here you made the team really yeah look I'm gonna put you in the hilt and every day some white dude with needles

and they come up there and shoot and all you gotta do is keep lifting weights just get bigger and bigger and angry and just damn it you fucking cocksucker you're just gonna shoot you away

wanna kill your fucking family just be with me and then you just tell them like on the second day you got them out there you put them in a cage don't feed them just keep shooting steroids

protein shakes and fucking fruit from routes just pissed off fucked up apples and bananas this is a motherfucker and just let them out of there

like game day like pre-season game and go you're on the fucking red team you know what I'm saying you see that guy he's fucking gay what? man

what the fuck you talking I'm telling you that fucking guy right there he's fucking gay he's trying to attack you we want you to fire on that motherfucker and don't stop till you hear and that's just gonna happen

you think they're gonna fucking lay his ass out on that? well they got options what are they gonna do then the dog right now people are at home biting in there and I'll tell you who it's gonna, listen man I've met every nationality

and every nationality has whatever against them but these are black old school football players that have grown up in a black old school home with a Baptist and a lot of people are exposed to that and a lot of people aren't and a lot of people can accept that

and a lot of people don't want you know it's great for the school what happened to the basketball player that fucking came out where's he? where's he playing? he was almost going to sign with the Nets

but the... yeah almost yeah good right then they had a meeting and they're like are you fucking crazy? are you fucking crazy? we didn't have nothing against gay people

but it can't work on a locker room it's gonna work for three or four weeks then there's gonna be fucking pandemonium cameras questions throw the team off and then somebody's gonna go fucking bananas and the easiest way if you can't cut them

in football you can't cut them so what's the best way to get rid of them? I heard them give them a fucking Brian Bosworth they had a six million dollar insurance policy on Bosworth you know I played in the fucking movie with him

I got the whole story I got the whole movie in there just scoochie-coozie or reefer you know what I'm saying Joey I got the facts in the horse why fuck around fuck ABC, I witnessed news they know nothing

you know it was amazing they just played a trick on him they knew he had a bad show to Brian Bosworth he had a bad show from the beginning they got it Lloyd's a London insurance on him for like ten million dollars to see how he fucking sees all

they paid the doctor they passed they knew the second year you know they were you know he never got a check for a weekly game while he was a see-all what? you know why?

because every week he got fined for having his shirt outside his pants and they find him his fucking they tried to do everything to get rid of that boy they took his house

his divorce he moved back to Hawaii he had to go to therapy for five fucking years he told me a story when they worked on his shoulders they ran out of whatever to keep him under and he woke up

and his shoulder was next to him on the table he had to push them away this is how fucked up his shoulders were but the only people who made money off Bosworth were the Seattle men Seahawks so I might get in trouble for saying this story

but fuck it that's what you get when you come out to the church and now behind the scenes information and shit they fucked the guy out a lot of people don't know that shit

they said everybody knew he had bad shoulders everybody knew but before he came here he already had a three-picture deal remember he made the movie about the fucking bikers he had a three-picture fucking deal Brian Bosworth

he was a millionaire the day he signed that contract Warner Brothers already gave him an envelope he had sneakers remember he had the shirt then fucking Bo Jackson knocked him out and the fucking thing ran right through him on Monday night football

and that was the answer that was a wrap after that shit that was a wrap after that shit Bo Jackson fucked him out we cover everything here assholes fucking chicks with fucked up livers

Brian Bosworth black spit there ain't a rock we don't leave unturned here at the church of what's fucking happening now you understand me

how similar do you think this was to what Chelsea Hamlin had to say about it what happened how similar do you think this was to what Chelsea Hamlin had to say about it listen man Chelsea Hamlin sold out four fucking shows she's starting her North American tour

and I want to wish her luck you know what are you going to do I mean I remember us all at the comic store 15 years ago struggling so I wish her all luck in the world I'm happy people came here tonight you know what I'm saying

we had a bunch of options so it's not like you live in fucking Ohio in the fucking freezing weather right now you know fuckers are out what's the matter did they kill my AC up or am I really high I'm really cold you're really cold

you get the trains coming I actually got paranoid that you think I was I meant that but I am really cold is no one else cold no I'm not maybe you are cold I'm cold

I'm cold I'm fucking freezing I might be really fucking cold you're getting sleepy I'm getting sleepy everything all right guys so we're okay for tonight guys we got a good night tonight man

I don't know when we're going to do an excellent I'm busy in the next couple months but I want to thank Tom so good Tom what's going on in your life what's happening CDs, DVD, concerts I got a special coming out March 15th on Netflix

it's a one hour special so check it out if you don't mind we're doing our live podcast your mom's house and a bunch of cities we're doing New York Columbus, San Francisco and then we'll do

comedy and magic club in March so those are all coming up and yeah just a bunch of tour dates so if I can come see me we'll do that Lee what's happening with you baby at least we moved into a new office just listen to all the other podcasts

you wanted to how many do you do like five or six now are you serious yeah so we start watching this with Rick Ramos if you like movies so I'm really hot this is how big of a nerdy I am

with Jerry Rocha I do Scott Wolf with Sarah Kelowna look at you man that's fucking amazing Josh Wolf yeah what did I say Scott Wolf

Josh Wolf with Sarah Kelowna Off the rails and then Steve Simone I start working good times but honestly what's Steve Simone's that dude's so fucking funny

it's just funny childhood stories it's great I don't record the actual podcast with him I just do the intro and outro that dude's so funny I saw you when you went to an American comedy company with Kyle Kinane

yeah and you're like there's a lot of podcasts out there I listen to yours like as soon as it's the only one I listen to right when it comes out right when it comes out

it's really Jesus thanks man he told me he told me you were sick last time he went to call a cigarette he's got food poisoning well thanks for listening

where'd you get the food poisoning how about juice what do you think the fucking is what do I think it is there's only a couple options I had a fruit and veggie there's a mix

juice so you could be dirty fruit you could be dirty veggies or he didn't he like shit in his hand and made it those are the options really

it was about three and a half hours three and a half hours afterwards it was the last thing I ate I had the juice about like three to three thirty like seven thirty eight o'clock

I was like ah I think I got a fart and I walk into my kitchen and I just turn around and projectile vomit into the sink

and then I just like puke intensely like really hard like where you go there's nothing left in there it keeps fucking coming

then I shit like a crazy disgusting like a fucking like a like a like a refugee shit like a fucking bag

like a fucking bag then I laid down I laid down like huh thinking like now like I feel better it's gonna be better now

fucking 45 minutes later the second bout of just crazy intense vomiting then shitting more and it's you know

I feel I don't know I think I lost like six seven pounds so that was Tuesday Wednesday I was down for the count Thursday was

better and then you know yesterday I felt almost there and today I feel almost like a hundred percent the point of the story Jamba Juice was

why the fuck do I look so hard for fruit and we go to Jamba Juice give them ten dollars for a fucking smoothie and it's frozen

fucking fruit right give it here when they throw the banana in the blender it almost breaks the fucking thing bang

bang the fucking raspberries why do we go in there and give these little fucks fucking ten dollars for that sugar shit that they put in our systems

I got fat drinking that shit I thought I was getting fucking healthy I would do an eight ball of coke and do like a Jamba Juice and I go fuck

we have I'll just do a Jamba Juice and next you know I may need fucking pounds heavier and I'm like what type of coke

am I getting I'm not even burning calories and I told somebody my diet like it's a fucking Jamba Juice and then they charge

they like the fucking airlines they charge you 50 cents per nutrient what fucking nutrient you fuck what are you putting in there energize a jing sing

where'd you get it from I don't believe these fucking that could be anything like I did that to people listen the biggest trick I had was I told I told chicks I had coke

but I give them aspirin like late night like two, three in the morning they're already coped up you give them a little blast and ask them they don't know because I only have like a little rock

you ain't getting that too we get naked we got to hold on to that shit until I see a tit or something you got to snort the aspirin and shit how's that this is great coke I don't feel it going up

my nose it's tremendous very lightness it's good for the heart you know what I'm saying so people can get tricked they can put anything in that jamba juice

shit anything for those 50 and we go in there like assholes oh my God I'm dehydrated you know how much do you need to be fucking dehydrated

they've lied to us America that's why there's no bottles all over the fucking ocean because we're just walking around like assholes this shit just started ten years ago when I was a kid

people didn't walk around with water probably walked around with fucking water oh my God fuck I'm suck I'm so thirsty oh and let me tell you

the killer thing about the chick that's going to Mexico on Wednesday because I was high before and I didn't think about this so I told my wife I go honey so because my wife

is fucking Dr. Evil she always thinks they're the worst shit I go so they're gonna take the chick that's dying they can't live a they're gonna drive

with a message in my watch why they do that for it's so much more expensive and I go what the fuck are you talking about she goes it's gonna cost a lot and I go listen my buddy just went for

a lap man down there he said they wanted 30,000 UCLA he got it down there for 4,000 they got like a bag of coffee they get shoes

they get glasses they get valiums to go they get a bunch of shit I go he's probably gonna pay like 30 grand for a liver you know and she goes

what about the ambulance I go to Mexico so I put that bitch in the back seat with some towels and some fucking green chili and shit and some

fucking mole it's all over that bitch they need to keep that bitch alive for three I love you guys stay black thank you very much

now I play church what's happening man there it is guys live podcast from the ice house thank you for listening I hope the audio problem

wasn't too distracted God that was a fun night those gummies will really get you so yeah thank you for listening I'm sorry again

about the audio I think it wasn't too bad and if you made it through you're a true bad motherfucker original fan of the church

so I do appreciate it sure Joey will appreciate it and again thank you to our sponsors and we will be back Monday morning as usual and then I think this is the Tuesday

where we're gonna be doing it Tuesday instead of Wednesday because of I think either Joey shooting something or no no no he's going to

he's going to he's going to Jersey so I think this week it's gonna be Monday and Tuesday but we'll let you know for sure and we'll definitely be back

Monday morning 6am bye guys now check it fuck you got a gun up in your waist please don't shoot up the place why

cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby baby straight up honey really I'm asking most of these fellas think they be macking

but they be acting who they attracting with that line what's your name what's your sign soon as he buy that wine I just creep up from behind and ask you what your

interests are who you be with things to make you smile what numbers to dial you gonna be here for a while I'm gonna call my crew you gonna call your crew we can rendezvous

at the bar around 2 plans to leave throw the keys to little C's pull the truck up front and roll up the next one so we can steam on the way to the telly go fill my belly

a T-bone steak cheese eggs and whilst it's great conversate for a few cause in a few we gonna do what we came to do ain't that right boo

forget the telly we just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi smoke elves while you're doing it I love it when you're doing it big pop throw your hands in the air

if you's a true player I love it when you're doing it big pop to the honeys getting money play your fellas like dummies I love it when you're doing it big pop you gotta gun up in your waist please don't shoot up to place cause I see some ladies tonight

they should be having my baby baby how you living biggie smalls imagining bends is giving ends to my friends and it feels stupid this tremendous cream get a dollar and a dream

still took it strapped with infrared beans chopping oils smoking line ophthalmos money ups and close all the brother knows a foolish pleasure whatever I had to find the buried treasure

so grams I had to measure however living better now Gucci sweater now drop top BMs I'm the man girl friend honey check it tell your friends to get with my friend

your friend we could be friends shit we could do this every weekend that's right is that I with you yeah keep banging I love it when you're doing it big pop

throw your hands in the air if you's a true player I love it when you're doing it big pop to the honeys getting money play your fellas like dummies I love it when you're doing it big pop you gotta gun up in your waist please don't shoot up to place

cause I see some ladies tonight they should be having my baby baby check it out yeah puff daddy big and small junior mafia

represent baby baby uh you