Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church of What's Happening Now Live #11

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

Youre in for a treat. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are back for another live episode of the Church. They welcome guest Rick Shapiro for a night full of craziness and laughter. What we remember of it anyways. Live 04/30/2014

Now, guys, please put your hands together, for the release of the band! Holy shit! Alright, I'm on my second gummy bear, so... Enough with that. Wow, it's bright up here. That's fucking cool. Thank you guys for coming out. This is the first time we've been in the big room. So thank you so much for coming out, man. Yeah, fucking bright as shit, right? Well, let's just get it started. We have a great guest.

It's a podcast that isn't a comedy show, but it should be pretty funny. Let's just get it started with the main host of The Church of What's Happening Now, Joey Diaz! One more time, Lee Syac! It's Bad Motherfucker! Bad Motherfucker, Lee Syac! You know, when I was like 19, right, I had this dude that was older than me, and he kept breaking my balls. And he's like, listen, man, you come work for me, and two years we've been making $100. I used to go, what? And he goes, yeah, yeah, I'm going to make you sell used cars in Newark.

And then at night, you come work with me in New York City. I'll give you a couple hundred. And I'm like, what? You want me to work from eight in the morning to fucking 11 at night? He goes, yeah, but you can make like 2,000 a week. Forget about it. You'll make some around like 2,000. How many days a week? He's like, every fucking day. Eight in the morning to 11 at night. He goes, I did it for years. And I'm like, when do you find time to do coke? I mean, you know, when do you... Because I'm in, but I want some time, you know, I want to... I have to worry about coming in at eight in the morning the next fucking day, you know?

And I took the job for like two weeks. I couldn't handle, like, quit. But you know what? The dude, he ended up buying bars. He became a millionaire from selling fucking little Hondas in New York City. I ain't lying to you, man. This guy was fucked up. He was. He had a bar first called Tom and Corkies. But then Tom couldn't deal with him no more. For starters, this was 1982. He was the first Armenian I ever fucking knew, all right? His name was Greg Kokorian. That was his real name.

He was the first Armenian in Jersey. I grew up with two Armenians. Never even thought about it till now. Like, not now, tonight. Like, now, like a month ago. I was like, God damn, I have a lot of fucking Armenian friends. But, you know what I'm saying? I thought about my friend, Karnak Asadourian. I grew up in an Armenian Jersey, Karnak Asadourian. Everybody else was 10. This motherfucker had a beard, you know what I'm saying? He had hair out of his ears and connected to the beard.

And he reminded me of Fidel, so I didn't fuck with him at first, you know what I'm saying? But he was a savage. Him and his brothers used to pick up Volkswagen's and turn them around and leave it. Who does that type of shit? Like, people lift weights, you know what I'm saying? Fuck not him. He's like, we're going out tonight with turning Volkswagen around. And him and his two fucking brothers would just turn Volkswagen's around. Freshman year in high school. You understand me? Well, you motherfuckers at home playing Nintendo, fuck you. He's out there picking up a Volkswagen, turning it around.

That's when I knew this motherfucker. I didn't know he was Armenian. When you're 13, you don't give a fuck what people are. I don't give a fuck what you are. And you get old, that's when you start giving a fuck. Watch out. It's fucked up weak here in LA, you know, when you hear shit like that. I expect that kind of shit. I expect people to be racist because I understand how people are behind closed doors. That's why dirty bitches tape them. You follow me? That's behind closed doors. I've always said that if they really listen to all of us, what we think behind closed doors,

we would all get shot and fucking hung. So before you judge somebody, you understand me? I mean, think about it, what we really feel in our fucking hearts. Like we feel certain ways because of society, but in our fucking hearts, we don't feel that way. We just let it pass. We don't give a fuck. Fuck it. You know what I'm saying? Two guys want to get married that ain't got nothing to do with me. Fuck it. I don't give a fuck. Right? We don't, we make believe, but deep down inside, like how can two guys get married? What the fuck are my kids gonna say? You understand? I got to break it down for my little boys. Why are those two guys swapping spit?

I don't fucking know because they're faggots. I don't fucking know. They want to get married. I don't fucking know, all right? Because when you see things, it's different. When you got kids, you got to explain shit to them when they ask you. What is a condom? I don't fucking know. Why are they talking about it? At six o'clock in between Dora the Explorer and Wally motherfucking Kazam. Why is there a fucking condom commercial on? Then they wonder why 12-year-olds are sucking dick and fucking getting pregnant on MTV. Because there's a condom commercial during Wally Kazam.

You filthy motherfuckers. Wait till I get my hands on fucking Nick at night, those people over there. I'll kill those motherfuckers with my bare fucking hands. And you know what? Donald Sterling said some fucked up shit this week. But he didn't say shit about the Armenians and the Mexicans. Did you hear that shit? Not one fucking thing. He's at home right now looking for a tape recorder to say shit about the Armenians. He's at a radio shack right now. I got to put it in my bedroom. Got to put it on me. I'm going to Glendale. I want to hear what I really feel. What the fuck do you really feel people when you're real? You know what I'm saying?

I mean if we all really felt what we thought and said in public, what we really feel about a lot of things. We wouldn't all be allowed. So next time you hear them, you know, and fuck that shit. I'm 51. I never understood a midlife crisis. When I see an old guy with a young chick, I feel bad for the young chick. Because you can't reverse that shit. You can't reverse that. You can't reverse that. I'm 51. I see what my dick looks like. And I see what it smells like. It's completely different. When you're 20 and when you're 50, your dick is completely different. When you're 10 or 12 and you're pissed, it smells tremendous, right? You have a pee when you're 18. You don't smell shit.

When you're 50 and you pee, it smells like somebody farted. You're like, what the fuck? A fart just came out of my dick. That's disgusting. Sometimes I scratch like the vein in the middle. I just scratch it. You know what that's like for a young girl to suck a 30? Think of that, ladies. If you're 20 and you suck a 50-year-old dick, that dick was 30 when you were born. Think about it that way. Now I'm 51 and my dick is disgusting. I got a lie to you. I got a lie to you and say I've kept it in shape over the years. It's fucked up.

For starters, it's uncircumcised. That skin is all fucked up. It's just hanging there. You know when you take over a country, how the flag just hangs there? It's just hanging there, like a dead fucking skin. I got gray hair, my nuts, everything, even everything. It's got to smell old, like an old dick. Sometimes I do kettle bells in front of the house. I smell old man. I smell an old man. I'm like, fuck it, I smell me. Who the fuck? So if I smell me, old man up here, think about it, it's an old dick. So I'm 51. If I feel that bad about my dick, what does your fucking dick look like?

Ladies, close your eyes. What do you think I'm... Yeah, before you bite into that nacho, I want you to think about this shit. I want you to imagine what a dick looks like when it's 81 years old. And you're sucking it with one hand and you've got a tape recorder with the other hand. And at the end of the week, you've got to realize where the fuck are you going to end up when you die? You're going to end up under hell. That's what you're going to end up. They're going to have to pick up hell and put you under there and then close it, you dirty, filthy fuck. Because that bitch is disgusting, that motherfucker. I feel bad for her dentist, you know what I'm saying?

He's got to clean her teeth with one of those shields on and a welder, she's got like sperm barnacles on her teeth and shit. That nasty bitch, that filthy motherfucker. When you get home, look at her Instagram, you could tell her pussy has a weird wang to it, you know what I'm saying? I don't mind sweaty pussy ladies, you know, like today, that wind, it made that motherfucker. Those El Nino wins, makes that monkey on fire. Right now, all of you is a horn, it ain't you, it's the El Nino wins. That little pussy swole. Right under the table right now, it's beaten, you don't know what it is.

You would call the doctor, but you're here, you know what I'm saying? Some of it's the El Nino fucking wins. But that chicks are going to fucking die a deadly death. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, this is a man, a man. I mean, this chick is disgusting, she did that, but she sucked an 81 year old dick, just that alone. That alone, she's going to be like walking with her sunglasses on to get into heaven like... And St. Peter's going to stop, but not you to the side. Come over here, step to the side.

What I do, I took my sneakers off, fuck the sneakers bitch, we're talking about... You can take the sneakers, but you can never taste that taste out of your fucking mouth. You filthy motherfucker. But not only are we going to take you to hell, we're going to cut the finger off that you pressed the tape recorder, pressed to mother fucker. That's what we're going to do you dirty bitch, you filthy motherfucker. Dirty people, dirty people. I hope somebody tapes me, because I'm going to play like them. So?

Fuck, he says that shit every day. Shit. Last time I did a show, Donald Sterling walked out of here pissed off and shit. The language boy does he hate black people. I don't hate nobody, dawg. I never had the balls to sit somebody in a bus or something. In the back of the bus, I couldn't live under those conditions. That's bullshit, drink under a different foul, and I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck anymore, you understand me? Things change, life changes, you know what I'm saying? But nobody ever forget that, that bitch will be 90. And she's going to live, you're going to see, she's going to be like, well you'll see it. 100 years and she'll be 114. Today the oldest woman in Compton. Exes here, he's the one that pressed the button. She'll have like a fucked up finger and shit on her.

It's fucking crazy, you pay for your sentence. Karma's a motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? Karma's a motherfucker. It's fucked up, so everybody's jumping up and down and laughing. Everybody's having a good time. Went to the playgrounds, they have my daughter. Playgrounds are designed for fucking Mickey, kid of pussy now. You know that, they even designed to make you want your kid to be a pussy from day one.

When I was growing up it was concrete and metal. Remember the fucking monkey bars? You banged your head, no more monkeys, fuck it, I don't want to be a monkey no more. That was a metal bar, you landed on the floor, fucked up and shit. Now they made out of rubber, the floor is rubber, when a kid falls it's fucking rubber on the playground and shit. You know, I picked my daughter up and throw her, whatever the fuck. Fucking bounce bitch. Gotta get ready for the future motherfucker.

Cause I don't want my dad, you know, when you're a dad, you know, I had a second chance of being a dad. My first daughter and me don't talk, but this one I got a chance, I got hands on, I wanted to be a fucking savage. I'm writing a book, How to Grow Up Not to Be a Horror, that's gonna be, that's a, you know, seriously, seriously. You know, that's your job, I mean that's your fucking job, I don't care. You know, and I'm already subliminal, see, cause I'm doing with my mother, like when I was six, my mother would talk to me about eating pussy. She would go, when you get older you gotta eat pussy, trust me, and I would go, pussy, I don't like pussy, you gotta eat pussy. So when I was 13 I remembered that I like pussy, I gotta eat pussy. So now when my wife is in the room, you don't like cock, you know what I'm saying, you don't like cock.

No cock, don't even grab it, like a fucking, you know what I'm saying. No cock in your world, fuck it, close that monkey to your 29. I'd say you have to do, you have to tell him the truth, man, you know, cause you can't fucking like tell, you gotta tell your daughters the truth. You gotta take them and show them a crack hole that's been stabbed. That's what you do. You can't talk to a girl, you gotta take it to the hospital and shit, you know what I'm saying. You gotta take it to the 170, right there, seriously, I got a couple dead bodies up to 170. Right by Sherman Way, that's where you dump a bitch after you stab her.

You ever stab a woman, drop her off at the 170, trust me. You gonna love it up there, you'll tweet me and say, Joey, you're a genius. That's about 12 motherfucking bitches, bitches up there already and shit. I got about 12 bitches up there laying in the 170, you know. And the cartons, and the milk carton with them holding the carton with that picture. Have you seen me? I don't know, motherfucker. Close your eyes, you're scaring me, bitch. That's fucked up if you find somebody dead and their eyes are open, I don't touch them, fuck that.

I take their watch, I leave, you know what I'm saying. Fuck it. Don't take a dead man's fucking watch. They robbed my mother's jewelry when she was dead, those motherfuckers in the ambulance, but that's what happens when you die in New Jersey, you know what I'm saying. If you're gonna die, die in New York, they'll let you, they'll let the jewelry stay on, at least you get to the hospital in Jersey, they take it right off in the ambulance and shit. I need CPR, take the fucking jewelry.

They don't give a fuck, dick. But I'm happy you guys came out tonight, you know what I mean, it's great. My pants will fall and I stop drinking diet soda. I'm losing weight, see, fuck. Even diet soda, I stop drinking more diet soda, even white bread, I feel a lot better, I just drink green tea and water now. Green tea will keep you up, that's like liquid blow. You ever see Chinese people when they're walking around, they're confused, that's what happens.

They drink like a gallon of green tea and smelled incense, that'll set you off, you know what I'm saying. Fuck smoking weed, you put one of those fucking brown incenses, you drink green tea, you're off and running and shit. You're bowing, you're making soup. Making soup, Cheetos! Cheetos! Alright, we're gonna get this fucking podcast started, you guys ready to rock here? Coming to the stage, my little brother, Mr. Lee Syat, get him up here, cock sucker.

What are you sitting next to me for, I'll get over here, what's this shit? What's this shit? I don't know, they said you asked for like a berry breeze, I don't know what it's called. Look at me. Don't look at the type of guy who has a berry fucking breeze, I mean. They made it twice. I'll drink it because I'm dehydrated, but no more. What's going on, Lee Syat, cock sucker?

You should have seen how fucked up he was there at lunch time. Well, he gave me an edible and said go home for an hour, I didn't even have time to fall asleep, and he calls me, first I had to unpack the office up high, and you have no idea what wires feel like when you're high, and then it never ends, just keep rapping and rapping. And I came back like an hour later, and I was like passed out in a chair in the corner when his wife was taking pictures down, and he ended up having to drive me around, he's like let me just get in the car, we'll drop you on paper. I know, he's sitting like a fucking Momo there. I'm like, Lee, you all right, what? Yeah, I'm all right.

Lee, that was only 20 million, no it wasn't, it wasn't. He wants to fucking argue with me for an hour. First of all, any milligram thing you say is at least double. Let's just be honest. Second of all, it was 6.30 in the morning. That's the way to do it. I take another bowl of my blood pressure medication, you understand me? Right there.

The blood pressure medication, the fucking fish oil, bam, you're brand new. By the time you come out of the shower, you feel it, like you're like what the fuck, I'm fucked up. Have you ever burped after taking fish oil, it's fucking gross? No, I get to shit with the lemon in it, I don't eat that fucking Pathmark shit. I don't get my fucking fish oil from CVS, so. Where do you get it? You gotta go to a fucking GNC, they squeeze lemons in it, so when you burp later on, you burp lemon and fish. It smells like, it smells like you ate salmon with lemon on it, you know what I'm saying?

Who the fuck you think you're dealing with, some novice, that's why? After you burp that shit one time, you're like I'm never eating those fucking pills again. Fuck my elbow, you know what I'm saying, I don't give a fuck about my elbow. It's true man, you gotta eat that fish oil, it's got like, there's lemon in it, it's fucking tremendous. I used to live at Sherman Way in Sepulveda, and I can understand why you throw women out on the 170. It's scary there, even at like 9 in the morning, they're out there, like the hookers are just ready. I'm telling you guys, I'm serious, we're family. Shit happens sometimes.

There's a lot of Mexicans here, you go to a Fourth of July party, a little tequila gets broken out, you put those Mexicans with the tube of fucking playing in the back, boom, boom, boom, boom, that's when shit comes. That's when shit goes sour. Mexicans, grandfathers, look at you with that one eye and shit. And they come out with that Civil War pistol and it's over, there you are. There you are on KTLA News in the morning. We're here in East LA, it's a sad day. It's a sad day.

What's thought, there's a friendly Mexican gathering. And there's that fucking Guadalajara Central in here. Let's talk to the Auerlita. Fucking gallina, that's fucking a scary word for chicken. You ever think about that shit, gallina? I like pollo. Pollo's okay, all right, pollo, but some people tell you like, aina. You're like, is he in the yard, you know what I'm saying? Because you don't mind eating the chicken, not just from the fucking yard.

I don't mind, I don't want to know his origin. You follow me, I don't give a fuck where he's from. Some fucking Spanish families will show you the chicken and go, that's dinner. Do you know that joke you did about the butcher shop you went to when you grabbed it? Paula's mom does that still today. It's not even like, oh, it's the 1950s. She gets the chicken and kills it and does the whole plucking thing right there. It's scary as shit.

That's the way you fucking do it. You know, you go to Denny's, they give you that processed soup, the chicken noodle. Go to a fucking Mexican place, like, the ugliest Mexican place. Where like, the rating has been like, it was like, you don't even know what it is. It's like, it's like an R, you don't give a fuck. Only a Mexican restaurant would have an R rating. You're like, is it, are they cursing in there? No, it's that dirty.

And then the Mexican restaurants are never dirty. They're never. You'll never go to a Mexican restaurant and it'd be dirty. The reason why they get like a beer or a seat, because they come in, there's a chihuahua on the counter. A fucking live chicken that ain't dead yet, like he's... You know what I'm saying? That's why they fail. But even the city inspect, but anyway, my point being, I don't want to insult nobody here.

You ever go to a fucking Mexican place and get like chicken soup? They come with a neck, there's a feather in it. There's a piece of the eyeball, you're like, wow. How come I never get this in sushi? You take the toothpick and start rolling the eyeball, like he's spinning around, you have the eyeball just spinning around. What? And you try to nail it with a toothpick and you can't do it.

And they always do it on that deadly hunt. When they go to the tuna, you ever see right before they fucking get the tuna, the guy stabs the fucking tuna with his stick. And the thing, nobody watches tuna in that fucking late night shit. What do you... But you can't do that with an eyeball. That's way too specific. It sounds like you've done that like a lot of times.

What, eat an eyeball? You know, with a chicken eyeball, you're spinning around in its head. When you go to real Spanish people's house, they don't fuck around. They're not just going to cook like that. Oh, we made chicken breasts because we know the vitamins in it. What gives a fuck? A chicken, a fucking Latin will take that chicken by the fucking feet, stab it in the neck, drain the blood,

take a couple feathers off and put that motherfucker right in the soup. Dang it like a tea, like a... Like the fucking Three Stooges. You ever see how the Three Stooges make soup? They like to chicken and dip it in the water and shit. That's true, man. Different nationalities have different fucking shit in it. There's nationalities that put the whole fucking animal in it and that motherfucker.

It's amazing how... Listen, if my grandma lived with me or a Cuban aunt and she wanted to go get a fly of chicken every fuck... Seriously, if I brought one of my aunts from Cuba and the only way she knew how to make chicken soup was by killing a chicken, I'd be fucking on it every day. I'll drive that bitch to the fucking... You know, because that's the thing now.

That's why everybody's complaining we don't eat natural. We'll grow your own fucking animals. When I was growing up, you went to a butcher, the animals were alive. In the back, you heard them. I ain't fucking with you, motherfucker. This is just now, glass 30 years. Years ago, you could hear the animals, the goats, the fucking sheep. You could hear them back there.

And you'd ask the fucking, what do you got today? I got a fucking cow, I haven't killed it yet, but in one hour, it's gonna be fucking tremendous. You understand me? Can I wait? Yeah, hang on. They don't give a fuck. Hang out?

You're waiting... Like, could you watch it happen and then eat it? Like, could you... I can't, because I'm not a savage, but... Growing up, they had these places where I was growing up. They had these places like Ponte Corvo deli. And you'd walk in with your mother and there was cages, and they had everything by size.

So they had like little chicks, then pigeons, then chickens, then roosters, then, you know, alligators, then elephants, then gorillas. They went right up the animal fucking list. And you'd walk in and the chickens knew you, but they didn't know. Like, your mother would look at the chicken, which chicken you want, and you'd go, no, no, because you were like, you were like a half a fag. Don't kill the chickens, don't kill the chickens.

Doesn't matter what you want. That chicken's dying, bitch, you understand me? Pick the fucking chicken, that one. And the chicken would know, did he say me getting the fucking back? Build a wall around me, like they build around and gladiate it. Remember when they had Russell Crowe in the middle? Assume position, assume position.

Like that's all the chickens got in front of them. Then you ring the bell and some guy comes out. They just got out of jail for like triple homicide, child molestation, killing the priest, everything, fuck it. This motherfucker did everything in jail and you don't give a fuck. He's angry, all his dreams were shattered. He comes out, what do you want? That one.

And the chickens are like, oh fuck. It's getting real. The DJ just turned off the music, motherfucker. And they all go to the back of the cage. They're all back there, all huddled up. And that motherfucker had no feelings. I can't do that. I can't just stick my hand in the cage.

By the time he grabbed the chicken by the face, he wasn't fucking around. There was no animal cruelty laws like there are today. Like, don't touch the chicken. That motherfucker put his hand in there like, like how John Jones poked Glover to Sarah in the eye the other night. He just stuck his hand, grabbed the fucking chicken. You fucking chicken, motherfucker.

I only make eight dollars an hour, you motherfucker. And he grabbed him by the fucking eyeballs and with this, pressed his thumb into his skull right there in front of you. You were like eight, like fucking in shock. That's why these kids today get bullied, because they've never seen a chicken get killed right there. You see a chicken get killed. You're a whole new fucking man.

You grow a cape and shit. You leave there. And he grabbed that thigh. You can hear the chicken going, fuck up, fuck up, fuck up. He'd be tapping verbally, but this guy didn't give a fuck. He was deaf and warning. He'd squish his fucking face.

Fucking fucking chicken, motherfucker. Then the other chickens were picking it. Wait till I get him out. I'm gonna kill all you motherfuckers too. And he'd pull that fucking chicken out of you motherfuckers. Right in front of you, like, ah! Don't kill the chicken. Fuck the fucking chicken, motherfucker.

Fuck the fucking chicken. And his cousin and his fucking mother. I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family. Yes! I want no black people in my chicken shop, alright? That's it. Don't bring no black people to my fucking chicken store. I got emotional.

I'm sorry, Leo, alright? Something about killing chickens. It fucking kills me. It brought you back to, like, when you were eight. I'm touching my ears in Santa Maria. It brought me back. I haven't killed a chicken in years. It's time.

Anyway, sorry about that. I got emotional. So Dollar Shave Club. I don't know about Dollar Shave Club. What are you fucking bringing that shit up right now? It's Wednesday night, alright? I got time to fucking shave. It's Wednesday.

I had to get out of the house. I had to get out before the baby saw me. You can't leave. You can't leave. Once your kids spot you, they reach for you. You're like, I can't fucking leave now. I don't give a fuck. I ain't going.

So she was in the shower. I snuck out that door like a superhero. Fuck this bitch. My wife called me on the way up. Where are you? The baby was like, I'm gone. That's why. I'm going to go fucking kill a chicken or something.

What else, Lisa? Everything alright? So you're going to Boston tomorrow to see your mom and shit? Yeah, for her birthday. For your birthday? Where are you taking her? This Italian place? On an uncle?

No. I don't know. It's her next year. It's her 60th. She probably shouldn't have said that on the air. Because of fuck. But we're going to take her on a trip next year. So my brother and I are going to tell her tomorrow.

Where are you taking her? Israel. Tremendous. Land of hummus. It's got to throw that disgusting fucking hummus in. I'm going to fucking condemn that shit, hummus. I hate how it looks. Just that and branch dressing.

Put it together. And I'll rub it on your feet and lock you outside for a week. And see how it smells after a week. See if you ever fucking eat hummus again. Come suck that. I really do. I hate all those fucked up foods. But I'm an old man.

What do I know? It's a feud of the fucking future. Look at the future. The future is fucking different every day. 20 years ago, if a chick had a tattoo on, you didn't have to give her a roofie. Now a chick's got a tattoo. She got three kids.

She goes to church every Sunday. It's fucked up. You know what I'm saying? Wait. 20 years ago, you said with a chick with a tattoo, you're like, look at that girl. No, stop. Look at that one.

She's got a tattoo. We could kill her. She sucked dicks before. She's done it all. Now you're going to fucking the playground. Moms have fucking tattoos that breastfeed. What the fuck? They lowered the bar on the tattoo.

They fucked us up. Anybody can get a tattoo now. I used to go get a tattoo 20 years ago. The guy would look at, what did you do? Did you kill your mother? Did you light the house on fire? Did you kill an animal? No, I haven't.

Come back when you kill something, all right? Don't fucking... A woman just couldn't get a tattoo. She had to go in there with like VD and a certificate. I'm the fucking... Like her pussy's been condemned, okay? That's the only way you get a tattoo if you're a woman. Like your pussy ought to be condemned.

Like by the health department, like it's done right now. You can't give pussy out in California. You got to go to Utah. Like that type of shit. Wait, didn't you meet a hooker on a bus one time? She wasn't a hooker. She was an exotic dancer, okay? Big fucking difference right away.

My apologies. Her girl dances and shakes her titties. And she's a hooker. That's what the problem with America is. I never knew you were so passionate about it. I am passionate. That girl, she was fucked up, you know? She was going from Syracuse to Buffalo.

And she had to make it before eight o'clock before her license got transferred because she had VD. And I swear to my mother's grave and she told me this shit on the bus. And trust me, I still wanted a blow job. You know what? We don't give a fuck.

Even if your arm is hanging off from the gangrene, fuck it. We'll take her shit. We'll take her... On a Greyhound bus, I'll let a man suck my dick. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, but on a Greyhound bus, after eight hours, you're like, please, somebody.

Anybody suck my dick. I mean, you wouldn't be on a bus if you didn't suck dick, you know what I'm saying? You've made some mistakes when you're on a Greyhound for 12 hours. What's another dick at this point? I know. Once you get there, you'll start a new life.

I know. I know. You'll be alright once you get there and get the fucking VD shot and the crabs will die in your eyebrows. But tonight... I was on a bus one time. I swear to God.

Had to be 1998. I was busing it from Syracuse to, like, Buffalo. And this girl told me. She goes, I'm moving. I go, why? You know, at school. She goes, no. The health department.

I gave somebody fleas or something like that. Something, and the health department knows. So they're going to go get me tonight and give me a ticket. I got to make money for the kids. I'm going to Buffalo to spread those fleas in Buffalo. And I swear, I just looked at it.

I was like, this is amazing. But that's why you take the bus. Because anybody could take a plane and sit next to like some president. Oh-ho. You know. Oh my God. What do you think of the Donald Sterling situation?

But you take a bus. You sit next to some motherfuckers. They're motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? So for $80, you got to have a good time. What? You pay $300 to eat peanuts and sit in the back like a communist.

You sit fucking. In between me and Lillie. Look. You might as well pay 80 bucks and fucking, you know, fuck a chick with fleas or something. What's the craziest thing you saw on a bus? Do you used to take buses for comedy?

Everywhere. So like, what's the craziest? That was definitely one of them. One time I went to El Paso and they gave me this cocaine. That was fresh from the lab. Who's they? Welcome to El Paso.

When somebody gives you cocaine, you don't ask questions. You understand me? You just take it, nod your head and walk down the street. I was in El Paso, Texas, and some guy on Saturday gave me like a big bag of blow.

El Paso is where they invented cocaine, pretty much, right? So he just gave me like a bag of blow. I did half of it and I didn't want to dump it so I go fuck it. I'll put it on the bus with me, right? So I got on the bus

and I'm in the back doing little bumps and shit. I'm having a good time. Nobody on the bus, no Paso got VD. They're just looking straight ahead. So finally we got pulled over by the fucking cops.

Like, you know, two hours outside of El Paso, they pulled the bus over, they come on with the dogs and I got like a gram or two left. I do it in one fucking line. Now this is the best coke in the world. It's yellow,

it's bitter and shit, like a lemon, like... How much is cocaine? How much is cocaine? How much is cocaine? How much is cocaine? How much is cocaine? How much is cocaine?

How much is twig? How much is two grams? If you're gonna lay it out here, like, what would the line be? I don't fucking know, Leigh. You guys are like... My lines were thick so they could be this big

or that big. I don't fucking know. It was just a pile, you know? A pile? A pile, a pile. I don't fuck around Leigh, right? What do you think you're dealing with? Well, I'm gonna show up with a line.

I'm too fucking 60, you know what I'm saying? I gotta show up with a pile, right? I saw the cops, so I did the whole pile. And it was like October, it was cool out. Everybody had, like, a hooded sweatshirt and, like, a T-shirt. By the time they got to me,

I had nothing on the back, right? Sweatin', the dog was sniffing at me, barkin' at me. Roo! Roo! The dog knew I did it. I was sweatin' it already. Damn, I didn't look... I know, I know he did it!

I'm like, check me, motherfucker. That thing is gone. He said, my nasal cavity right now is shit. My favorite story of, like, the past year of knowing you, it was, like, last December, you took an edible, and I'm playing, I think it was to Miami, and you took your whole shirt off, but then, like, two days later,

you're like, you know what, I think it was the cinnamon candies. It was the cinnamon candy. It was not the cinnamon candy, it was the 800 milligrams. I ate a bunch of fucking edibles, and they put me on the security line for a long fucking time.

You know, when you're going to Miami at LAX, it's fucking racial, right? They dealt to send you to a terminal all the way in the back of palm trees, and Spanish music, and all that shit. They got fucking scorpions and neon, and the Mexican music with the... buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh.

Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. No sé por qué. Yeah. Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh. Don't bring Mexicans to my fucking games, all right? No more Mexicans allowed to these fucking games. Don't take no pictures with them,

don't put them on Instagram. I could have just imagined him going, and don't hang out with no HIV motherfuckers either. That would have been classic. Fags with a lit fucking Hollywood on fire right now. Right now, fucking Hollywood Boulevard fags have been jumping up and down. There'd be one black fag with HIV on KTLA.

And that remarks, where are our thotties? I got a great guest here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Give a round of applause to my main man, Mr. Rick Shapiro. What a fuck is this? There he is. Slide over, give him that. Slide over, slide over.

Get in the middle, give him the end. Move back. What's happening, Uncle Rick? How you doing, Joe? I can't believe that shit. Thank you very much for coming down to that, my man. Well, I didn't want to miss a chicken getting killed story. No, fuck that.

Are you kidding, man? You remember that shit when they used to kill animals? Like in New York, they had those butcher shops. Yeah, but I don't remember the noises. Oh, yeah, the noises were the whole thing. That's the whole fucking thing. You know, you don't hit it. You don't kill a chicken like,

oh, let me break your neck in the chicken. Lucy, you goodbye, cruel world. Fuck no. Yeah, I'll take that motherfucker, slam his fucking head. Yeah, you see, that's what they do. That's what they do. That's what I miss. I live in a place I call the land of the gummy worms and knit caps.

And they pose around the gummy worm down gummy worm avenue. There's a vein area where you see beers and all that. Like, how you doing? How you doing? Good, good. Like the wind doesn't even blow. It quivers. Like, things are good.

I feel awkward. Things are weird. You know what I mean? And then I hear you yelling about pulling a chicken up by his eyeballs and it makes me homesick for my child abuse. I'm telling you. It makes me homesick for everything. That's what it is.

Nobody talks loud out here. No, no, no. It's really amazing how everybody's politically correct. And I'm gay, so imagine my heartbeat. It's not that I'm gay. I'm just against sterling. I wish he would have opened up the valve. Right now, for 2.5 million, right now he's at home,

I should have opened the fucking valve up. I should have talked about Jews, everybody, I'm there. For 2.5, I should have got my money back. I don't like some Arabs eating it, you know what I'm saying? I'm telling you, right now he's at home, thinking about puff the fucking Mexican. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because that's what we don't know what to do.

Instead of saying like, oh, you won, honey. Oh, yeah, give me the tape recorder. Yeah, give me the fucking tape recorder. And then I'll take it further and further and further. And people are against me when I say this, but I'm glad I want rich guys to be recorded more often. So there's stop being fucking role models like Donald Trump. You know what he says at home?

My balls are tiny, honey, you think my balls are tiny? And then he goes on TV, he goes, things are real good. All the ladies love my jacuzzi, it's made of gold. My balls are tickling me, my balls are tickling me. I feel weird, I feel weird. You know, they're full of shit, rich people with new scumbags. Individuals matter, not your fucking Porsche monkey shit-headedness. Not Porsche monkey, Porsche monkey.

And if you ever think about the word Porsche or a Porsche monkey, you're a slave to it. You're a dentist. Tell me more about the chickens. You know, it's amazing how... That was gorgeous, man, pulling out by their eyeballs. You know, I live in... You know, you people here, you're very appreciative.

You people have strong wills. You know, there's a lot of people who get insulted by language and they write stories and they write books and they contract their fucking congressmen. You know, some people who fucking live their life, you know? You go to these fucking farmers market, that's where we're going, people. That's where civilization is fucking going, to a farmers market. I can't wait to see these douchebags in 20 years,

all these people texting how their fingers are gonna be all fucked up. Yeah, yeah. You know, if you don't have a tattoo, an earring, a pit bull, a cell phone, a Starbucks coffee, the fucking fluffy boots, you know. It's amazing all the things you need to be a human being today. A citizen, a good citizen. Just to be a human being. If you don't walk around with that couple fucking Starbucks,

there's something wrong with you. Can you imagine that? We pay four dollars for coffee and 7-Eleven got way better coffee. You go to... You get that motherfucking Colombian bowl. You ever get that Colombian bowl? That shit is stronger than fucking meth. And I... And I've been to Idaho.

I bought meth in Idaho one time. They told me it was blow. It was up for four days. I was a feature act. I was fucked up. I was paranoid. I couldn't jerk off. Meth is a motherfucker. Meth is a motherfucker, dog. But it really is amazing that sometimes I'm around rich people.

And I swear to God, I say to myself, if that's what it means to be rich, I don't want to have money. If that's what my character, and that's how my thinking's gonna go, I don't want to have money once I replace it with the money. Do you know what I'm saying? I'd rather be poor and have me

and just barely make it but have a good fucking time. Because you can have a good time. You don't need a bunch of money. So, I had no money and I was doing an eight ball a night. Can you imagine? If I had money... When I was broke, I smoked so much coke, I knew I was God.

Yeah, yeah. I thought I was eating out. I was on the sidewalk. Yeah, it's amazing. Alright, so a guy has a heart attack where he flips out, he goes to a rehab, he comes out, he becomes rich now he doesn't do blow again.

Every day that guy has money. He's like, fuck, why couldn't I do coke now instead of going where I went through? I didn't want a license. I didn't want to get a medical marijuana license. I know what it is to go into a bad neighborhood buy a bag of weed, put it in your trunk. Drive home, think about getting home and rolling it.

You know what I'm saying? Now they took that fun away, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, now it's a Starbucks. Now it's a Starbucks, it really is. I'd much rather go home by white knuckling it and shit. You know, I got a gram of Noriega. I got a gram of bubble bath.

You know, if I get pulled over on a jail, it's amazing like that. You know, I was like, I'll have that and that coyly bong, that sounds good. I was talking to a guy in a comedy club and he's smoking out of a coyly bong like a silly straw. Like...

So, Rick, where's your next gig? We should hang out sometime and have... I can hear my voice and my ankle. You know, I'm like, it's not a supersized idiot drink. It's a supersized idiot. It's a fucking coffee.

It's a fucking coffee. If I find out, what are you motherfuckers but soy in your coffee? We're not going to talk no more. I can't do it. I can't do it. I love you guys. You're my family. Without you guys, I wouldn't keep tight.

Don't let me find out you're doing soy. Shut the fuck up, babe. If I find out you're putting soy in your fucking coffee, we're going to have a bigger problem. Because you're fucking family. Don't offend me, okay? When I grew up, it was black

is beautiful and sweet and sugar, right? Whatever the fuck it was. It was a blue cup and they put the thing on it with a buttered roll. Protein, all your fucking food groups. You got a roll with butter and a coffee and milk. Everything's covered.

Vitamin C, D, E. Yeah, it wasn't like a fairy tale. All of the cinnamon, praline, all my dreams are guaranteed to come true by 5 o'clock. Harry Potter floating on a frothy cloud. No soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy, no soy,

no soy, no soy. Why does my coffee have to be low fat? Yeah, it's just fucking coffee. What did I do to it? What did I do? What is it? A cake? It's fucking coffee. Yeah. It's black coffee with those six sweet motherfuckers.

You put it in there. It's zero fucking calories. Why am I ordering a low fat fucking coffee? Are you fucking retarded? That's what they've done to us. We're ordering low fat fucking coffee. Yeah, and then... Really?

We're getting fucked in the ass, people. No. Yeah, we're gonna analyze. With the stupid dick. Not even with a smart dick. Like, I wouldn't give mine fucked in the ass with Einstein's dick. Good. You come out of there. You drop in knowledge, you're inventing light bulbs. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, and they go, they go, stronger weak, stronger weak. I go, what, you? Stronger weak, stronger weak. I say, what, the human condition? He goes, stronger weak, stronger weak. Sir, stronger fucking weak. I say, you seem a little upset, kitten pants.

How about I pet you? You calm down. I take you home and feed you. You get to crawl around my ankle. See how men live. Sir, stronger fucking weak. I said, what, the flavor? I said, well, why would I want weak flavor? And then I thought about it. I said, yeah, give me weak. Give me the weakest weakness.

Put my shit in the cup. Weaken my shit. Make the shit so weak that the flies are laughing at you for hanging around that shit. Don't even put on a cup. I'm putting a cup. I'm putting on a table. Just sit on my lap and breathe in my mouth, you weak fuck. Fucking weaker, weaker, stronger.

Just give me fucking coffee, fucking coffee. But, but, but, but, but he's right. It's coffee. That's all it's ever going to be. It's never going to be anything else. Nothing else. It's not candy land with a special prize. You know, there's not a genie in there. But it does make you forget you're unemployed when you're holding one.

You're like, $4. I'm still good. I'm still doing good. I'm still worthy. I'm still worthy. I'm still fucking cool. I can hang out with fuckers. I show up with 7-Eleven. They all look at you like, huh? Yeah, bitch. And I drive a Subaru, motherfucker. 256 a month.

Three year lease. How you like me now, bitch? Yeah. And I got an extra 5,000 miles from mileage in case I want to go to Disneyland, motherfucker. You're not going to stop, but listen, I'm not that commercial couple of years ago. Don't talk to me until I get my coffee. Don't talk to me until I get my coffee.

I'll get that guy and I'll punch him so many fucking times in his stomach. I hate those type of douchebags that tell you that. Like, don't talk to me until I get coffee. Fuck you with that bad breath anyway. I don't want to talk to you. Your breath is like that fucking chick

that blew that 81 year old. The one that she walks around with a fucking gas mask on. But, uh... It's like the methane from a well carcass. I was just thinking. Methane from a well carcass. Just images, you know. Methane from a well carcass.

This works. Methane from a well carcass. It's on my mind. Methane from a well carcass. Maybe if we took all the methane from a well carcass, we'd have, like, smart coffee. You think so? Is that like gluten? Would I be free if I was gluten free?

I mean, really free. How free would I be? Would I be able to deal with that freedom? I heard a guy go up to a counter and he goes, I need a zucchini muffin Pronto. I said, there's nothing Pronto about a zucchini muffin. Who is a fucking zucchini muffin? I don't know. I'll tell you what.

Who the fuck eats his ass? If I find out what he eats, he eats zucchini muffins. Or drink soy coffee. Don't talk to me no more. Unfollow me. I'll find out. I'll delete your friendship. I'm not fucking around with you. If I find out one of your motherfuckers eats a...

What kind of zucchini muffin? He goes, Pronto. Pronto. I'll fucking kill you. I'll put your name on your fag publication. I swear to God. Like Big Dicks Incorporated, like the group. Join now on Facebook. I'll make you part of that group and I'll fucking...

Wait, what kind of muffins are okay? Blueberry. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Chocolate chip. And not if you can't shit. Corn muffin. Wait, what would you say? Carrot? I don't know. I don't know what the rules are.

Don't ask him. Don't ask him, okay? Don't ask him. This guy eats fucking cac. Cac. Cac. Or cac. Cac.

C-A-C. It's shit and... Fuck. Shut up. Just a bunch of shit. I don't fucking know. What muffin do you eat? Let's see. No, I like blueberry, but I wanted to know in case you hated blueberry for some reason. No, I like fucking blueberry.

I like normal shit. I like normal shit. I want a piece of pizza with pineapple. Right. Get the fuck out of here. I don't want no fucking pineapple. If I find that you eat pineapple on your pizza. I'll fucking kill all of yous. You understand me?

Where have you fucking been? They need you in every club in the fucking world. I don't even look at that. I don't even look at that. Feathers, respawns. They need mouths. They need their mouths though. But I talk loud and people go like, Are you okay? And waiters always come over. It used to be you just talk loud.

You just moved your arms and now they go, Do you need some water? It's like a fucking intense conversation. We don't have those out here. That's what somebody said. We don't have those out here. What's that edible? He ate the other fucking half, cocksucker. Oh, I miss that shit.

I don't have any. What are you? What are you guys got? Let me live that carousel. Do coke because I quit. Where is it? Oh shit. Oh shit. It's motherfucking party time.

Look at that. Look at that edible. It looks like the boat and jaws. Remember? Look at the teeth. Look, I ain't fucking with you. Look at the teeth mark. There's a boat that was floating out there, right? I'm not good at the pie shit.

I understand cocaine. Fuck you. I may be fat, but I'm swift. I may be fat, but I'm swift. So what's up, Rick Shapiro? What's been going on in your life? How long have you been doing comedy? Since I was born.

Since I stopped hustling. What the fuck are you laughing about? Who cares? How long are you going to go from the last five minutes to... Well, I've been doing comedy. I'm going to break it up a little bit. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to ask him some questions too.

He's going to ask me some questions. He's going to ask me some questions. I'm going to ask him some questions. I don't understand pot. I like heavy shit, but... Pot, to me, that's making a choice to become the dumbest moron anyone's ever going to meet for the next 20 minutes.

You are the village monkey. Star trekking fluffernutter. What a night. I should throw these Doritos at those fucking nachos. Wait for it. Matrix is real. Matrix is real. That's why you should do cocaine. You do one line of cocaine. You got four new holes punching your wall.

Your TV's hanging off the terrace. Your dog is sitting on your face. Saying, eat me, pal. Looks like pussy. It's going to cost when carnival starts and your wife is under the sink saying, and you started the Adderall too, didn't you? You started the Adderall. And then you're selling your dick for a taco.

True story. Who cares? A guy who sucks dicks does a guy who sucks dick. I did it like a man. When I came, bullets came out. My balls were like old boxers looking for lost horse heads. The Mitchums were fisting a cow. The real gay.

I don't want to finish that joke. What's up, Lee? No, real gay where they're pounding each other like Danny Glover and Samuel Jackson if they were gay. Not Ryan Gosling and Ed Norton trying to fuck chicks. You can't have that. You can't have that.

They're ballerinas. Fuck that shit. They got Lee Marvin sitting on his own dick to show Matthew McConaughey what a ballerina Matthew McConaughey is. Come on, man. You're going to be a fag do it all the way. Don't be that Grey's Anatomy gay shit.

Like gentle gay. Fucking ream. Turn that ass on too later. Take it straight to Miami. I don't get to get high. My mind just doesn't stop. I just died. Too much Adderall and I enjoyed it.

How long have you been doing drugs for? Well, I actually quit for 25 years but putting up with out here I kind of needed a little stimulant to get re-stimulated by the boredom by the son. The son doesn't even look like the son.

It looks like a said depressed angry agent. It looks like your father. It doesn't shine on you, beats down on you. You got to go, I know I don't have a job. You know? It's not the son. And you can't sleep late.

I like to sleep all day. Fuck the fucking day. And it looks like imaginary volleyball players are running by your window like... and you feel guilty. So you go outside and change and call it athletics or something. I don't know. Who gives a shit?

I don't like this son. I ended up out here by accident. I don't get it. He's a tough looking guy. You're a tough looking guy, right? Tough guys always go like this. Nah. Nah. Those guys like me who want to be tough go,

I'll fucking butt your fucking dick off. But tough guys always go like, get out of here. You're cute. You're cute. You're cute. I was just saying, the doctor said to me, it was your third coma, your second concussion,

your first heart attack, and your second OD. We saved your life again. And I actually heard myself say under my breath, I went, asshole. Like, what do you think I was trying to do when I was smoking coke in heroin? Build a farm, raise a kid.

I wanted to kill myself, you lab rat. Move you to Ronnie and Jewish Mercedes utility medical chair out of my face and conduct experiment. Now, why does the doctor have to be Jewish? What? Why does the doctor have to be Jewish?

Because he said this to me, he goes, Rick, Rick, Rick, we're here to help you. This is your archeologist, which is no such thing, but he's going to call you, and you're on every medication known to men that hasn't worked, so we're going to put you on every medication known to alligators. And this is the other part of your team,

and she's never going to call you back, every three seconds of every three seconds, within three seconds of every phone call, and we're a team, because you're very important to us. And I'm a Jew. Well, I'm Iranian. Well, I'm Iranian, but if anybody asks.

They could have been Hindu, you know what I'm saying? You don't see why doctors no more, but they throw Hindus in there from time to time. That's what's beautiful. It's not just you doctors no more. Thank God. It's a whole different fucking game. I'm Jewish and I grew up with doctors, they're fucking thieves.

No, I like Jewish doctors. I feel comfortable around Jewish people. Really? I wish I grew up in your family. Yeah, I feel comfortable around Jewish people. I feel comfortable around angry Italians. No, I feel comfortable around Jewish people, like everything's okay. You ever have that feeling,

like you look around, you're like, everything's okay, there's a Jew next door. Fuck it. Fuck with me, motherfuckers. I like growing up with the Italians, because they were so mad, they were just going, you know?

Like when I left home, my real family was Italian, not my real family, the mafia. And they... They were like, you gonna tell jokes, Ricky? I could do that, I could tell a joke. I'm funny too, I should go with you,

try to make some money, make good money. Yeah, you probably do pretty good out there, don't you, Ricky? No, that's good, that's good. We all believe in you, he'll be back working for us. We all believe in you, Ricky. I could tell a joke. I said, so tell a joke, what's the difference? I could do it, you do it, I'll try it.

Actually, he was a hit man, so we always say, what are you doing? Luis, and he goes, I could do it, you do it, what's the fucking difference? But what do you do? I could do it, you do it, what's the fucking difference? So I said, so tell a joke, I got a joke, and this is true,

it's him trying to tell the joke, the angry murderer, and he goes, what's that fucking thing? That fucking thing! That fucking thing! What's that fucking bird, What's that fucking bird? I said, what fucking bird? The chicken?

Yeah, what's that fucking chicken, What's that fucking chicken? I said, why the chicken? Yeah, yeah, why is the fucking chicken going the other side, while he walk away, while he do that. I said, no you know the joke, why the chicken cross the road, just fucking save, just save...

Yeah, why the fucking chicken across the fucking road, it wasn't been a sentence, why do you go over there on the side? I said, why did you chicken cross the road? Just say it once. Why'd the fucking chicken cross that fucking road? Why'd he do that? I said, no, I said, you know why?

He goes, yeah, why'd the fucking chicken cross the fucking road? Why'd he do that? I said, all right, why did he do that? Because you're sitting in the passenger seat of a Pontiac, you got a rifle under your throat, you kick it away, he shoots you in the foot, he steals your wallet and jewelry,

but you're still alive. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, nobody beats more than Kaisova. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, also here's my knock, knock joke. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, you see me, motherfucker? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

I had to get that out, I haven't been able to be loud in a comedy club in a year. You guys, you got the best audience, you're his follower, you're his, I hate that word followers, cause you're not audience members, you're audience leaders. You're leaders, you're not tweeters and twerkers and shitheads, you're fucking profound.

Like, like, like fuck Tweet, they got paid. Tweet got subsidized to change it, it was gonna be called profound and incisive thoughts, but the president said, we'll give you $200 million, you just call it Tweet, so people think they're parakeets. You know, you know, like I don't want followers, I want guys who call me up and I don't wanna accept friends,

I wanna disturb friends. Like Facebook is for people to compare the cheese and their fucking salad, like if Martin Luther King was around now, it'd be like, open all the vaults of opportunity for all black, for all Africans-Americans, Tweet. It's like, no, that's a profound thought I wanna share with the world and walk down the street and say,

Tweet, oh, 17 liked it, 17 likes, that's good, I'm doing better today. You know, you know what I mean, come on, Martin Luther King, free the black man from his island of poverty, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet, Tweet. Like your thoughts aren't tweets, they're fucking, John Kerry is wearing an Abercrombie J crew

raincoat thong on a kayak right now doing shit, you know? I mean, he's got a yacht, you should go key his kid's forehead and have an old D under a pile of 19 year olds. He shouldn't vote for poor people's lives, he should be a guy who's so broke he's at home burning the secret cause he can't read it. Or some shit, I don't know. We're not tweets, I'm sick of tweets.

Our thoughts supposed to take us out on the street. As a comedian, you'd be amazing. Comedians have responsibility to take their imagination on the street now. Go piss in Starbucks and run, but just do it, just do it. Just let them know your environment, I'm bigger than your environment, your environment doesn't mean shit.

I take a leak, I go, but do it. Girls, show your ass crack online at Starbucks to the guy who lives for his cappa bullshit chino and he's like, and he just look over your shoulder and go lick it, you know? And he goes, no, I couldn't because it's inappropriate. No, no, no, don't use that word, lick it, you need to. And he goes, well, okay, since you invited me,

I'm waiting for my cabinet, no, lick it. And he went, well, no, all of it, all of it. And burrow your face in that asshole, so by the time he gets up to the guy who says, what's your name, room for milk? He's like, covered in your beautiful womanly ass grease. The environment's alive, everything's intelligent and awake, and when the guy goes,

what's your name, room for milk? He goes, oh, fuck you, you're the devil. There's no punchline for that. Well, let me see, let me see. That's fucking God, Rick, that's it. We're gonna ask you some questions now. That's it, we're gonna ask you some questions now. That's it, that's it.

We're gonna ask some questions now. We wanna know about what the fuck you do and where you're from, forget the fucking voices, and the rest of this shit. That's it, it's question, answer time. Nothing else, okay? No fucking stand up, no satanic messages, no fucking dogs, no nothing, no twits, no nothing.

No, but you inspire me, man. I'm good, you inspire me too. No, I don't, you already inspire me. To go out and kill somebody. I'm from New Jersey. You're from Jersey too? Yeah. Where the fuck are you from, Cocksucker?

Boston. Where's the other boy, G? Where did he hit you? Yeah, fuck, what do you mean, did I eat it? Let's eat another one. No, I didn't. Let's eat another half. Okay.

All right, man. This motherfucker took a, let me tell you what happened this morning. I woke up this morning at 10 to four, birds with chirping. Birds with chirping, you understand me? I walk in, I bring them a special edible, sugar-free, low diabetic. I walk in, I go, you ready?

I can't take an edible, I have to drive. I was gonna fuck and choke them. So tonight, he ain't driving. He called the car to pick them up. And that means he's getting fucked up tonight. I already have one. I already have one. That's a weak one.

Yeah, no, it's not. It's 275 bucks. That's the front, that's the twigs and shit. If you look in the back, it's 70. Oh, look, she's got one for you. Now you gotta eat it. Now you gotta eat this shit. Now you gotta, no, give it to him.

Open it up for him and feed it to him like that. Throw in his mouth like a fucking seal. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. This is what happens at the ice house on a Wednesday night. Yeah, with Joey Dan. This is fucking great. You're cutting half for Lee, cutting half, kiss it, and then just throw it in his mouth and shit.

I feel like I'm in somebody else's dream reality. That's it, Lee. These people brought you a gift. How the fuck, it's like, I had a, there you go. That's beautiful. Eat half of it, there you go. Eat half. Oh shit, eat half, you're the half.

Eat that half, motherfucker. There you go, eat that half. Beautiful. Fuck it. I hate that I quit, I get all that up and now I have anxiety attacks. I don't even fuck, I just panic. I'm telling you, you should eat one of these tonight.

I can't, I can't, I go nuts. That's perfect. I can't say shit. I don't show up, I become a prostitute in five minutes. No, who cares? I don't show up, I'll rob a store. I have no moral compass. No, if I take one pill, I'm fucking trying to rob a store

or steal some, you know. That's fun. It is. When was the last time we really had fucking fun? Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. If you think about that shit, ladies and gentlemen. We used to be robbing every place. Like we fucking live with, like even as adults.

It's so uptight, man. Yeah. Fuck that responsibility is bullshit. As children, we ran scared of our parents and as adults, we're scared as a silent, what's bad's gonna happen? We don't have fun no more. We didn't even take a chance after like 26.

I did. But a lot of people don't fucking kidnap people or have good times like that. Yeah. People have a good time no more. Sometimes you go home and go, wow, I can't fucking believe I did that. I don't do that no more.

Yeah. I catch my, who are you? What do you let me do? What do you do? Oh shit. Cleo's in the house and shit, ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit. Cleo the international and shit.

Smile you dirty bitch. Uh-oh. Cleo's in that way and shit. Smile. Dirty bitch. It's better than the ones out here that have poodle eyeballs and shit two assholes. No, she's beautiful, Cleo.

Dirty bitch. Dirty bitches fucker. And I wanna thank your beautiful girlfriend for bringing us the gift. Thank you, you're very beautiful. And here I was like, oh that girl don't like the language and shit. But you were here for the ride.

Thank God, thank you. I can feel the heat coming from Lee's head right now as we speak. Right now, you know like when you, you say I could really wish I could hear what's going on, I can hear it. I can hear it through his fucking skull. What'd he say?

He's going, he's going, uh. I'll never be that happy. I'll never be that happy. Yes you are, you're always happy. You taught me that when I'm around you I am because you're fucking direct, you say you're shit. But I'm sensitive to the fucking, come on man. What are people doing?

Walking small at STD dogs, there's some little doggies and could you actually pull off my line? Who talks like that? Could you get your pull off my lawn? This was a guy, I said say shit, say shit. Could you get your pull off my lawn? I said say shit. He goes, you want me to get your plastic bag?

I said, is that what you would do as a man? I said, say shit. I got your plastic bag. And then he goes, now could you get it off my lawn? I said, you don't have a lawn. They don't have lawns, they're not lawns. They're fake lawns, they're fake suburbs. And I live in this neighborhood and they go,

it's a great neighborhood. We have three restaurants. That's two plus one sushi restaurant. There's nothing great about that, it's nothing. It's a boring fucking block. You have a great place, it has three restaurants. It's so exciting. It's amazing, I think one place sells chicken

and it has special beers. It has special beers. It has kinds of beers in it. It has special beer. Oh, they love that place. Oh, those fucking Gentiles, they go crazy in that fucking place. Oh, that chicken place, they got the spicy chicken soup.

They got the sushi place and some other thing. That whole block, they hang out outside with their slippers. You know, getting fucking sun like somebody knows them. Drinking coffee, talking about France and they never went there. Cause everybody wants to be a fucking international. God forbid. We're not happy with ourselves.

It's the weirdest thing. You know, we get mad because jobs and they blame everything on the middle. The fucking Mexicans did it. The fucking Mexicans did it. What about when you call APA and an English guy answers? I ain't got nothing against English people. I'm just saying, see when you hang out

with an English person, it makes you smarter. Right or wrong, you ever call some player, Joe's Garage. Good morning. Welcome to Joe's Garage. Right, you're like, oh fuck, I'm gonna pay him more. They know another language. That's how we fucking think now. You know, we have to be more, oh my God.

And in England, they think the same for us. Fuck the English. If somebody like me answers the phone, what's up, chip, chip, alley-ho, cock, cock suckers. Oh my God. We're going down there to buy those crackers that that fucking Cuban seller. These guys would be like, I wish I had your courage.

Yeah. You're like, cock sucker, I wish I had your courage. You're way with words. Cock suckers. What were the words, it's the truth. We're all cock suckers. Every one of us. It happened by accident.

A chick is your tremendous blow job. You gotta swap spit whatever after word, right? You're a cock sucker by proxy. That's it. That's just the way it is. And if she blew the neighbor last night, guess what, you sucked his dick through. So next time you see him wave, you know what I'm saying?

What up, boo? Remember when she was... What's up, boo? How you doing, boo? Look at the shape of you, cock sucker. I've had one and a half of those. And we're gonna eat one more half. You can't, you can't walk on one leg.

I can't walk at all right now. What time is your flight? 8 AM. Did you upgrade to main cabin select yet? No, it's 160 bucks. It's two o'clock, you gotta call them six hours before the flight fucking takes off. Hasn't happened yet, then.

Well, two o'clock, you better stay up. You can't eat one. Stay up. Virgin American, you booked a fucking main cat and then you upgrade to main cabin select for like 60 bucks, it's like a pimp. Oh, 60 bucks I would do. Whatever, but you gotta do it six hours before.

Okay. Because that's when they're desperate. You can't call them two days before. They're like, fuck you, who needs you? Not really, they're Virgin American. Who the fuck needs you? We have the queen. Wow.

But if you call them six hours before you bump up to main cabin select, you don't even have to get up, you just press a button and the fucking store list comes over, that's class. What's main cabin, like first... No, no, no, there's first class, main cabin select and main cabin,

then there's Expedia. Which one plays My Little Mermaid? What's that? Which one plays My Little Mermaid? Which one plays? Which one plays My Little Mermaid? True Blue. Which one plays Brandon Frazier?

Jet Blue. I'm not going. Jet Blue, you sit on there, you fucking watch TV. Jet Blue is great, you follow your piece of tuna. That's some play, you know, listen, if you're gonna fly, hit me up on Twitter. I'll hit you for the best places, you know what I'm saying? Just because, you know, I don't know you people,

but if you wanna fly, tell me, I'll scam you. It's like, if you wanna buy Coke, I don't do Coke no more, but I'll send you to a good place, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, I don't do Coke no more, but I hear things, I'll send you to a good place. Where you gonna have fun? I don't want you to go buy Coke at a boring place,

I want you to, I want you to go see Blood, there's somebody laying there, I want you to have fun, you know what I'm saying? Who's looking at man, he's bleeding, keep going, keep going. What's rolled up in that carpet? Yeah, remember that shit? Oh, somebody went to college.

You did drugs in the old days, where you went to see some fucking tremendous shit. Yeah. How about getting Coke in high school? My senior year in high school getting Coke on 143rd Street in Amsterdam, and when we went there, the ambulances were there, they had shot a guy,

but the dealer was still out going, go to the corner. Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know, dog, the guy got shot, what do you want, an eight ball, two, what do you mean? Don't worry about nothing, I got nothing to do with you, fuck him. Yeah, it's weird, I worked a lot of,

I spent a lot of bad shit, because I tried going NYU and it didn't work. I was just trying to make a joke out of it, but I was hustled for it, because I didn't get along with my father. He was a dermatologist. You ever get molested by a dermatologist that can't work, it's just getting fucked up.

Like, sorry, I touched that by accident. I mean, he said, I saw a lot of disease today, so it's testicle check time, and he said, I saw a gonorrhea. I was 12, what 12-year-old has gonorrhea? And then I got the worst case in five years, so I made it up to him, he got proud of me again. I'm not even making jokes.

Like, I saw a lot of bad shit from that. I don't know what I'm talking about, go ahead, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I go on podcasts and I tell other fucking stories about the mafia, and they're selling my dick, and all that shit, I don't care anymore, I like it. No, no, I don't wanna hear it. I like you, there's nobody like him, I can't stand it.

I hang out at the comedy store, which I like some of the guys, but there's no guys saying what they fucking wanna fucking say. They go like, they stand around and create business, and go, well, I don't know, I think I'm gonna take that word out of my act, and I think I'm gonna take that word out of my act. If you're gonna take that word out of the act, then I'll use that word in a different part of my act,

and then they go on like, hi, everybody, and he's fucking being himself, and you don't see that anywhere anymore. That's right, motherfucker. But he's saying it, and he creates images, fucking chickens, and with her eyes, throwing it down. I miss that shit. No, yeah, listen, man, it's all I got.

It's all you, when you got felonies, that's all you got. Yeah, I know, I know. You got felonies, and you got your balls, and you got your word, and whatever, somewhere along the line, you know, when you're a kid, you tell lies, but don't feel good. You know, and one day when you get older, you go, I'm not gonna lie no more,

don't fucking feel good, and if you're gonna talk about yourself, say everything, don't, you know, as we get older, we always talk about what people do to us. Now, I went there, and the bitch threw a glass of water in my face, you know? You didn't tell her to suck your dick with glasses on, or something like that.

Oh, yeah, well, that happened. Yeah, that happened, but. That's how the conversation started. You can never be fucking honest, you know, and what a breath of release in my head, like, to be fucking honest with yourself brutally. About everything, you know, like I said, I claim responsibility for everything.

If somebody gets hit by a fucking car, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I did it, and then I go, no, I wasn't, I was home last night, you know what I'm saying? But at least, you know, it just makes my life a lot easier now, it's fucking great. Are you married? Yeah.

So you like dishonest with your wife? No, I tell my wife fucking pretty much everything. No, I meant you're dishonest, it came out as dishonest, because I got dry mouth. Oh, no, no, no, no, but this is high. But wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't tell my wife, I wanna fuck the chicken, the massage parlor.

No, no, you can't do that. I don't tell her that, you know, I saw some girl today, she had a nice ass, but, you know, I tell my wife, what the fuck? I tell her what's on my mind, and sometimes I see her face, she's from Tennessee, she's a Christian, you know? Oh, shit.

And I see her eyes, it's like, and she's like that fucking chick before she got the tape recorder. She's like, somebody's gotta hear this shit, this is. I swear to God, I went on a flight with Tom Segour and I got really fucking high. I got fucking black, it was one of those days with a man.

No, I was flying, we had like a one o'clock flight, and I must eat an edible, and I was smoking pot, I was doing bonk hits, and by the time I got to Burbank Airport, I was out of my fucking mind, you know? And I think I saw like a fucking hot Chinese chick with a black fat guy. I like where we started.

And I went fucking off, right? I'm like, what the fuck, what the fuck is wrong with this Chinese chick? You know what I'm saying? I was banging this shit, she should have like a big yolk mandingo looking motherfucker, not this fat motherfucker. And I was saying this shit that,

and I can see Tom like his head was gonna explode. You know, because you have these dark thoughts. We all have dark thoughts, fuck, I have dark, dark fucking thoughts, man. Like dark, no, but it's amazing when you're in public and people are talking. Like I was like, you know what, you know what, I really could snap.

Do you want me to tell you where I really have a problem? Like I can see my, like when I hear somebody takes a machine gun and shoots everybody, I don't understand it. But for me, I get it, like at one place, the farmer's market in Laurel Canyon on Sunday. That place, I've almost snapped there a couple of times because the bullshit level is so fake and so high.

Then they have paparazzis to fuel these assholes. It's just a bunch of fucking assholes. So I just get as stoned as I can and try to ignore everybody. But sometimes I can't, and I have that hidden voice inside of me, right? And these two guys walked in with me, and these two guys were playing like they weren't gay,

but they were as gay as fuck. But nobody had talked them into it yet. Like they were hanging out with each other to see who would talk the other one into sucking their dick first. Like, and I got- No, and I got nothing against these guys. I love everybody like that.

I don't give a fuck. I got a cousin who's fucking gay and then fuck, came from Cuba to suck dick. That's commitment right there. Liz and Glendale with my uncle. I swear to God, gay and then fuck, but he's not gay gay. Like, you know, when you see him, you're like,

look at that man, he's just fucking gay, but I don't care. What's my fucking point? My point is- It gives a fat shit if you're gay. It gives a fat shit when- No, it's true. Like who gives a fat shit, but who gives a fat shit if I forgot what the fuck I was talking about here?

What was I talking about, Liz? I have no idea. I have no idea. Oh, the farmer's market. So the guys said to the other one, I swear to God, the guys said to the other one, oh my God, we're all out of squash nuts or something like that.

Like something somebody normal would never even think of Ask the man behind the counter if he's out like the thwart like the thwart like this is Jeopardy you know there's people that go around thinking they're smarter than you and they try to fuck you know who those people are and you want to punch them in the fucking mouth and when you tell them that you're like what'd you say let me answer some how about I slap you in the fucking face oh no we were just kidding around haha and it was really funny one guy said something about like oh my god we're all out of whatever and in the back of my mind I didn't know that

they were listening but my inner self said too bad you can't put in your koolo right like just like that like just like that and the one guy was Spanish and they looked at me and I was like busted I couldn't say nothing it was my inner fucking thought that got me you know but and that happens but I wish it happened more but we can't let it happen can you imagine if it happened to all you people on a daily basis I do it sometimes I do it under my breath because I had a buddy growing up in Jersey who did that like let's say he's you see some like I did it to you today we'd see some guy walking and he'd say it right

out we go look at the shape of this fucking dummy you know and and that's what you're thinking too you know like he see he'd see a fat girl and he go I wonder what her asshole smells like you know like shit like that's not your argument that really comes to your mind when you see somebody from now on tomorrow soon as you wake up I want your mind to take over the first thought that comes into your mind yeah and you're gonna see what happens you're gonna trip me and go Joey you fucking scared me last night that is fucking scary when you really digest that first thought like the other day I was at the

airport I got there my flight was at what time 555 out of fucking Baltimore that means you got to be there at 455 and I'm standing waiting on line you know when you're the guy next and there's always that one fucking cocksucker that wants to cut and ask a question that becomes something else well some lady did it and she had that nest in the back of the head like she hadn't taken a shower you know I'm saying and if there's anything that bought listen that bothers me more than soy milk that bothers me more than pineapple on pizza and ranch dressing I'll take I'll tell you what I don't give

a fuck what's that yeah thank you sir but there's one thing that fucking irritates me is when I see a woman with her hair still fucked up like she didn't shower like I can't tell you what it does to me dog like I just tell me like I can't fucking tell you what it does to me because I can see a man not showering you know because we're filthy fucking disgusting people when I see a woman like and this lady was like 60 and she had like a rat's nest behind her head and she was rude like excuse me I don't know what's the next flight to Toledo you know

asshole when you take a shower that's for the next when you wash your fucking disgusting asshole that's what I said to myself I didn't say it out loud when she looked at me I'm like good morning you know I'm saying yeah because I'm a fucking pussy great when I be great we just said when you take a fucking show I wanted to so bad yeah I'm gonna start doing I do I fucking that when I see us old ladies which is beautiful God work too hard creating that beautiful fucking pussy if you're not to give it water in the morning yeah you gotta give that motherfucker a little water smells I like pussy in the morning personally

just Uncle Joey that but war it's got that fucking it's got that duster dawn smell to it you know I'm saying I'll eat that motherfucker like a like a weight watcher pie you understand I don't give a fuck I'm a savage I'm a real man I'm saying but just in case you're dating a man that don't like that dirty pussy in the morning that wants it to smell like Irish spring you didn't take care well you make me want my wife again that's beautiful me when I wake up that's the first thing when I go home tonight I wash my nuts and when I wake up I'll wash my nuts that's just what you do when you're that's what Jesus did he

washed his nuts in the morning when they took Jesus out of that cave on Easter after Mary Magdalene wiped his face he's like you better wipe my balls too because they're on fire I've been on a cave with no circulation they're bloody what's up Rick Shapiro you bad motherfucker you Jesus is like a Jersey boy whatever you know he had a burlap speed it would happen not hanging out he was hanging out like pray to it bitch pray to it Jesus sure a lot of people don't know that here ask me a question ask me a question you got right who cares right you're happy you're happy you have a beautiful wife I really dig your wife you have a

great wife I love this amazing behind every successful man there's a bad ass fucking bitch and if you're a man yes you don't believe that shit you better fucking check yourself I know his men were like fuck it I got my mom I don't need that hoe yeah I didn't have that so listen my life she saved my career she saved everything about me yeah I know I fucking know these things some motherfuckers walk around like me without my wife I'd be dead I don't know how to fuck up I love it just shoot me because I'm fucking retarded I'm like that guy I'm the commercial everything in my life is a minute a phone call away can you wait

10 minutes I can't get a hold of my wife I'm one of those fucking morons I don't know combinations I don't know fucking codes yeah right I don't know nothing you know I'm saying like she's fucking so I know you're very lucky I know that you had some health problems you had a heart attack and you know you've been married since then and you look good you look beautiful yeah you look beautiful you know and who gives a fuck listen I'm always surprised people care or know me who gives a fuck if you fell off and eat some pill gives a fuck you know I'm saying you're not doing that H used to do that's the real fucking thriller from

Manila yeah that's amazing Chinese fucking powder actually comes with a spare rib and an egg roll for five dollars and next thing you know you're in a fucking corner in New York Nodden I don't remember that exactly well whatever you know what do you remember cocksucker not much one memory what time is your plane tomorrow 8 a.m. 8 a.m. so you got to be that 6 30 yeah and you're flying Virgin American and you got a check on a 6 30 yeah I got taking that up before you leave on the plane I'm still gonna be high tomorrow who gives a fuck where are you sitting on the plane row what 2013 not good where

like towards the back are you in the middle are you no no no I don't do I don't do middle are you on the side you seem by the bathroom no no are you bringing food with you no it's too early so what are you you're not gonna eat on the whole flight for five hours to fuck I'll eat like it's the airport what do you what do you need at the fucking airport there's nothing the average and American fucking wing it's fucked up about LAX here's what's fucked up if you fly American you get dick if you fly Virgin you get dick if you fly Southwest they got fucking Papacitos whatever that Mexican chain is and you're all from

running if you fly Southwest you're flying like a doctor if I fly Southwest on LA I get stoned as fuck on the way to Southwest because I know there's a fucking paid day this is a McDonald's but they could suck my dick I'm across from some of the best Mexican food in LA it's not a Papacitos it's what is it anybody come on shows thank you my love that's why I love you I know you don't drink coffee with soy milk you dirty I can hear it in your voice you know right you know right I want to know if you do or you know I want to know what people do who drinks soy milk in front of all this what he's been saying too much

fucking good go like I drink soy milk and I'm proud of it if you drink it at home I'm the Mitt Romney of soy milk listen I'm all about the soy you want to drink that almond shit at your house I don't give a fuck do it in the privacy you're on home no more privacy in the on hold I'm talking about is it when you go to Starbucks like lately I don't that fucking douche bag that fucking no don't I don't I'm not that guy my point was before I remember just now you ever go to fucking Starbucks and they actually like five questions right off the bat that gets my blood pressure fucking going early like how can I help you can

I get a coffee and all of a sudden they want you to think as French like what size large venti listen whatever the fuck large is okay you do the translation that's too then they asked you do you want us to fill up to the top I don't give a fuck just give me the coffee you want to be part of the Starbucks club I don't want to be part of Philly it with nobody all right she goes make mine make mine a single shot a single shot and the other lady goes make mine a double like your fucking cowboy I said he's gonna share a pussy and deputy fluffy pillow idiot consumer Harry Potter reader Lord of the

Rings renter Narnia going to her I wish I had her head hanging right here with blood dripping off her neck so I could I you know if you punch a Starbucks customer hard enough you can feel the years of Frappuccino gel around your fist as he drops to his knees and his yoga ponytail spins with serenity you gotta you gotta punch so you feel the spine of frozen Frappuccino around your knuckles or you ain't living just do it I tell you what I dare when you want to motherfuckers to go to Starbucks tomorrow yeah you guys will never go to Starbucks for about a week

you'll be in there I bet Joey's in here watching his shit him and Rick Shapiro around here somewhere about the choker motherfucker I wish I could I wish I could bit slats and buddy at Starbucks just like go around have a TV show and smack somebody every day yeah like everything just one person talking why'd you hit me listen you went to Starbucks eight times this week that's 48 fucking dollars you understand me that's 200 a month on coffee you dumb motherfucker that's 2400 a year on coffee you know what you could be doing for 2400 a year you dumb motherfucker and then you realize how

dumb we are just to have that little cup that says because God forbid we don't have it we're not accepted God forbid if somebody seizes with a fucking cup that says suck my dick incorporated that's I'm gonna make plastic cups of people to say it's not anal it's as fuck yeah with a big morning fuck Starbucks and you walk into your office oh my god he's gone crazy no yeah yeah I've got balls I'm taking it back old school you're making Mr. Starbucks you know how much it is for fucking a cup of coffee it's 50 fucking cents all of a sudden we're paying six fucking dollars I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck anymore I

don't drink coffee I go to Marie T in Studio City it's a dollar for black coffee it tastes like ass every time I don't give a fuck I'm not one of those horrible my wife and I could never do that we're from the shirt no I couldn't do that I'm a screenwriter producer you sit around with somebody who is your coffee more robust listen just give me the fucking coffee all right you go to a hotel now you go to a nice hotel they give you like an espresso machine with a black cup or red cup wonderful wonderful I don't understand I don't feel like I belong here why confuse me who drinks the caffeinated coffee let me smack you

right now right if you drink the caffeinated coffee with soy milk on it I want you to suck my dick after the show right because I guarantee my dick tastes like soy right now it's 10 30 at night at this point it tastes like something bad and you want to suck an 81 year old dick get back to me all right 81 years old tomorrow when you're stuck on a 405 and you hit the steering wheel and go motherfucker I'm sick of my fucking life think of sucking an 81 year old dick think of that think if you wouldn't get a fucking tape recorder to end it right there you know we saved that girl because if that tape recorder didn't work

she would have shot herself another three times of sucking that dick oh my god sometimes I pee at night right and I got the circumcised so I don't I don't shake it enough and like a little bit of pee of stab my dick and like I'm watching law and order and I'll scratch it and the pee smells fucking horrific like ah you're a stallion I know I'm a fucking stall even pile of horse piss but the fucking pee still tastes terrible and that poor girl now you like the taste that poor girl had a suck an 81 year old dick that's all I've been thinking about since Monday fuck the racial slurs fuck Donald whatever what

did that chick fucking do after she sucked that guy's dick milk milk it's not what they do when you eat jalapenos like those people my god drink milk drink milk dolly leche dolly leche what's up Lisa at you bad motherfucker by the way out of respect for you guys being sold out Lisa at broke his own record tonight he usually never bait more than one he went for a one-and-a-half Chebo chew edible oh my god it feels good right but like half of this about what if I'll just as good what is your party you screaming to get out is your party you screaming to get out like no okay so so it's good it's great right

yeah I mean I miss all that shit I gotta live with my thoughts oh you don't want to be fucking still two million dollars from me you don't think that is worth it who did the his girlfriend how did she steal two million dollars I don't know there's no they're doing it right now this is how the fuck that she steal his wife is saying she has two million dollars how the fuck that she steal two million dollars so I didn't as well it was he was blowing him I can't I met people like that guys look I love I love naked women you know I'm a filthy animal in my mind right like yeah but I'm not filthy filthy like I was

coming home from the podcast late in the morning and I saw some guy in front of me looking at something and I know the only reason a guy who driving would look like that if it was a girl when I looked over he was a young girl I felt like ramming I'm not that disgusting you know I'm saying but we all like you know crazy things but I never I can't even fucking perform with a 40 year old woman never mind a 20 year old I would have a fucking heart attack I couldn't take Viagra that's like cheating you know I'm saying that's like it's like taking steroids for your dick if you really think about it's the same

difference I can never I get a heart on but I couldn't last like that with a 20 year old like they talk about you got to fuck them for an hour what stop put the Ramones on let it happen no it's not even with the fucking Ramones unless the fucking one Ramon pushes and the other one stick the finger up I had two minutes I just ended I turned into a pumpkin in two minutes I just I just stopped and freeze and just look at you for an hour what happened I don't know what happened something happened do you feel anything I mean I stopped at freezing again that's a fucking nightmare some a 50 year old

taking his shirt off or getting naked in front of a 20 year old I can never even do that I would have to fuck it with a t-shirt on it it's like going to Santa Monica you know I don't know I don't know how guys could do that shit and I sometimes you think about it I can love to eat some girls asses 22 no I wouldn't no I wouldn't I'd be ashamed like I was looking you know there's these other guys that come they come to me a guy's like that girl's like a 20 where that girls are pretty she's pretty it's like an animal new undiscovered animal like she's pretty hot what are you doing I was a little young a little younger I feel like I should

go up to him be like that woman's a little close to your age man that could be a lot of problems like it's gonna want to get married have a few kids I'll have are you I go with a young girl you were she's close to your age you might be might have something in common that's pretty dangerous yeah don't you get it why why would you worry about a guy who's with a young girl I was you know let me warn you let me warn you could be a young girl well why don't you be the guy who says she's your wife you probably don't have to you know kids go to college and then we won't have any savings

get the job I don't know just I don't know what just happened I have no fucking idea but who am I the judge I don't fucking know thank you thank you and that's what I'm saying to you that's what I was saying I have no idea what I'm doing here I've been doing bland podcasts for fucking four years where they go hey I'm there I'm there's a Montana some side corner street club called street corner side club laughs you always just like that Rick you have your own kind of style you have your own kind of style I don't picture you an abracadabra grumpy you know like we're fucking five years this guy this guy

makes you want to ramble and fucking live again this has been a very unorthodox podcast but at least you're seeing fucking cutting-edge podcast there's no script here people the same fucking the walking dead cock suckers the same breaking bad there ain't no fucking script here it's just three guys talking 150 people so your energy our energy we're creating some together so fuck you motherfucker there's no script I don't have the fucking script what would it what will you people being social if I had a piece of paper with glasses look at me fuck you take a chance Columbus did that's what it's about man you know a

podcast is there is radio on steroids but it's here Joey it says here that you apparently don't like to be interrupted no we don't like to I apologize it says here that you your objects and the people listening at home might be Christian but we don't give a fuck because I respect Christianity but we don't have time for that shit everybody got everybody got sick and tired are here in stupid radio and they wanted to hear more and that's why I don't mind bearing my soul on that shit because fucking it not you motherfuckers you just live to a radio station oh so how long have you sucked dick for 18 years do you have to

hiv the I don't know what the fuck you know I'm saying people I could do that too I can interview girls in the morning I could fucking pull over there's a black hooker in Studio City I'm gonna get around the podcast in fact I saw her last week this is my proof right here I see it with my wife sometimes I just wave at her because she's from the neighborhood you know I'm saying she's a black hooker with a blonde wig like little Kim she's got to be 22 23 all personality all smile she fucking picks guys up at gelson's the studio city you'll see it when you go to gelson's in the for lunchtime what's his black chick doing

in the fucking fruit section in this motherfucker and you know people look at her weird I don't give a fuck if she's a hook I'm gonna get on the podcast write that down we got to get that bitch on the podcast I saw her walking by the other day but I'm embarrassed to go up to her because what if a cop is watching no they take your fucking car they got to call my wife and go no I was gonna ask her to be on the podcast sure you were tell you the mind of a journalist and you're curious and your mind is trenching and incisive and you got to ask questions about the world or you're not doing your job as a podcaster that

shit ain't gonna work with LAPD I don't think I don't think don't work with LAPD they're gonna pull you over say you were talking to her with my luck you know with the luck that we have that's how you up to assume I've been in these positions before where you're having a great day you just go to do something and also it turns into bad that that's quick yeah I gotta tell my wife and the podcasters that I was gonna pull over to ask her if she could be on the podcast half of yous like me but you go Joey you let the hookers wig on fire now you were just talking to her come on guys in New York you can get into trouble just

running down the bathroom having sex with a girl out here you do one little thing your whole life goes under you got it there's certain corners you can't go through they're extra hot the Sun's beaming right in the soft spot of your brain and there's a gorgeous girl that's a tranny at 40 but looks like a 16 year old Mexican girl with extra lipstick and a tube top and I I knew it was a girl I knew it was I knew it was I'm not making a joke I knew it was I had my first fat guy I knew it was a girl and she's smiling to me she's smiling me and I go who else would be smiling at you at 3 p.m. in LA that's but a tranny but I

said no you don't know what you're talking about to myself and I got her behind two SUVs because I know how to cheat on my wife and I lived through your top and I went I thought I'd be like Henry excuse my stutter I'm in a hurry Henry Miller I've I've been able to sleep and I thought I'd be like I appreciate the differences and nuances the difference but I'm not into it I'll see you but instead I went to New York one owner I went like you're a fat guy you're a fat guy you're just a fat guy and he goes yeah that guy's right that guy from New York really pulled my covers I'm a fat guy I got a wife and

kids at all I got a pizza away and I got a good life why don't I do a man turn on my dick and I'm a pussy it's fucking fucked up I'm a fat guy I like it but I really thought it was an 18 year old Mexican girl well I'm saying is LA turn can turn on you know heartbeat like all of a sudden giant rats can steal your wallet or some of your stripped naked in the middle of the road dragging your on trails or no I'm not kidding man I gotta do some trouble like heavy shit let me ask you people something what would you do we got surrounded right now by a bunch of people with white jackets and fucking rubber guns and shit and started

shooting at us what would you do cuz they think if they if anybody normal walked into this room right now and they watch us up here talking about what we're talking about they would they would radio for help and say you gotta see this shit this is wrong this is wrong you're horrible you're horrid that's what I mean you're horrid and they feel bad for the guy in the middle look at the guy in the middle he's suffering he's turning red look at the guy in the middle there's something wrong let me ask you something Lee what's the first thing to do when you go home cocksucker pass the fuck no stop it cocksucker what

I can feel you thinking about a pizza right now like it's coming through like little seizes you're doing the math you even thinking about who's gonna be open by the time I get home you do that you do that tell me the truth what are you gonna tear up when you go home yeah the lift guy will stop somewhere I'll pay him extra tell me what you're gonna eat when you go home stop bullshitting me probably the only thing that's gonna be open is pizza I guess and what kind of pizza you gonna get pepperoni who he already knows I told you I can't hear him thinking about pepperoni he was saying it pepperoni I get a pepperoni

that's that's something you should get mad about what I want you the only kind of pizza is pepperoni who else like who else any other kind of pizza finally finally lucidity on the show you see I got a deal with people look at this shit one fucking edible he's giggling look at him he's already in the phase look at him look at the shape of this guy how happy do you think I am every morning when I get I give him an edible just for this look at him look at him he giggles up a storm it brings me I feel like 20 after I leave him I'm like so it's all about I'm happy motherfuckers came out tonight you know

that you guys are amazing I wish I knew you guys were from you look real you look like fucking complex human beings that fucking look at people and don't go like it like like like in some clubs is that hush before that there's a hush before the show starts and watch your cell phones and we're gonna watch some tapes of Jim Gaffigan or whoever and you're gonna and you'll be ready for a comedian we're gonna be for before the comedian comes on you'll be ready for the comedians by watching comedians you know it's bullshit you guys are like real people just and he talks I gotta go with tamarin pit bourgeois pig bourgeois

shithead fucking gummy why I went out naked the other night I said I've had it tamarin pussy land I said you have gummy worms I look at a girl I go how is your gummy fuck you know I don't give a shit I don't give a shit it's like come on man are the guys with the yachts they the only thing you they get guys get tape recorded are saying something we got to be like well I'll wait till I get home and just do a bunch of tweets you know or I'll sit at a bar and admire some girl who when the lightning strikes her face right has the skull of an angry horse you know you know it's the evil shit man you know like a girl says

I'm changing my karma by watching my name is Earl that's what she fucking said and you guys were thinking of staying home and watching the sci-fi network oh my god the sci-fi network is fucking tremendous yeah this is as real as a fucking gets rick Shapiro rick Shapiro's gonna have his own fucking channel someday 24-7 rick Shapiro TV what was the guy watching when he jumped out the window rick Shapiro TV he just jumped a goal that's a goal I believe in just jumped in shit just jump the door was swagger Lisa how we feeling so are you gonna go out anybody bring anybody bring a bond with them to do bond it

with Lee Lee wants to listen we're gonna take Lee outside after this we're gonna give you like 10 minutes walk around the corner get your pipes ready bazookas electric fucking any edibles you got we'll take you on tonight you understand remember at the end of fucking Chinese connection Bruce Lee told him I'll take on any fucking Japanese in this house and shit that's Lee tonight he'll take on any Japanese and then some you don't give a fuck popcorn whatever you got I think any heroin but I won't do it most last time he did heroin a good shot good for you you ever miss it you ever want to do a little fucking baboots

yes I don't get it I'm like talking people I'd rather be back in the abandoned fireplace she's shooting it like I live on the street I was a prostitute I fucking I did women too but I miss being obliterated man I want to be obliterated but I don't want to be like the guy who shows up for a sandwich job like I smoke just enough pot I'm good for the day you know I want to be so wrong that it makes people right go God please make me wrong you know like like I want to kill right you know that's why I can't even drink because I walk around in the middle of the street with my socks pulled up going I want to kill right I

want to kill right so it's working for you all right this heroin thing yeah people I make a lot of friends get you see him you know they're hanging from that clock that isn't there I can make a joke out of it I can make an easy joke out of it but I just want to tell the truth come on doesn't anybody miss the shit they used to fucking do like I used to fucking eat ass like I fisted because it's exploration I'm not bringing bowling balls or heavy metal rings it's beautiful and then guys go like oh Jesus oh God oh Jesus oh God oh God I only do anal like girls stop fucking guys who say anal only fuck guys who call it as

fucking because you know because if you're how's the guy gonna do anal like I'm doing anal I'm doing anal I'm careful I'm very cautious you can you know you know you can at least trust my cautiousness it's like no wreck the room wreck my ass wreck the room you know have my head wedged between the mattress in a wall my fist up in the air and fisting me like a jackal and crystal meth like it's exploration of a girl's ass but then you get guys go up and go like ricks pretty rough about they have no I'm gentle I start with you know one finger and all that shit I'm not doing bits some of them are bits but it's just talk

you know you ladies went out tonight hoping that your boyfriend won't even bring up the asshole tonight you're like hopefully he won't bring it up till Saturday night a couple tequila's in me that's beautiful you should describe it to me no cuz cuz I'm alone are you guys cutting a side deal here what kind of shit is this is Pasadena they got tough laws for that shit up you can't smoke on the street but you can fistfuck with no heavy metal rings I mean it's like you ever see the sunset on the Colorado Grand Canyon it's beautiful the hues and purples and all that that's what an ass does when you do that shit it's no but

it's really it shifts and the girl responds to see a girl respond they they made a stigma with fistfucking I'm not kidding to see a girl respond to a girl who would never say this says oh my who would never say that is amazing oh my you know as he's fucking 18 saying oh my legs he cocktail dress Susan Sontag type of person you don't know her but it's like on a sneer without the hammock people tonight you're seeing a a complete different realm of entertainment you people I'm never like if the Twilight Zone had a podcast I'm never like this this would be the fucking episode that they would add tonight

raise a raise a fuck the dummy that came to life fuck the Chinese piano player fuck all those episodes tonight stop with that fucking flashlight there lady alright whatever that is fucking Alexander Graham Bell is rolling in his grave because of what they've done to a fucking phone you understand me when you have an episode about Asian piano player listen what's with the questions what the fuck what you do is you go home you type in weTV channel 20 okay comes on at 130 every fucking night the Twilight Zone or the guy that had the glasses remember Mickey from the Rocky he played the episode we had the glasses

and he got locked into the library and at the end the glasses broke and he had all these fucking knowledge you guys got to watch that shit but you're too busy watching modern family whatever the fuck you watch seriously and they're both you if this was a fucking if tonight in 2050 one night you're gonna be old and they're gonna have some guys to come out tonight the Twilight Zone podcast style and they're gonna flip to this fucking podcast right here from me the rick Shapiro the fucking Lee sitting there look at him he's the pilot he's the pilot he's just fucking sitting there he's hoping this show don't last this

show just lasts forever because he doesn't really want to get up he's sitting there going Joey keep going I can't do it I don't give a fuck fuck these people where's Dave Chappelle get in here but I'm happy you came out Rick Shapiro this was a great show like I said you know I'm happy you guys think outside the box and came to support this tonight you're seeing there's no no written plan it's not like I called Rick and said I want you to fucking kill me tonight you know I'm saying I want you to call me up and fucking kill him tonight this is what we're gonna talk about let's rehearse there was nothing you know

that these fucking things are real she's no you know she's no plant in the audience motherfuckers these are real you understand me 220 milligrams of the tree what what what Lee what cocksucker what what's up buddy when are you coming back from Boston Saturday night when are you putting this podcast up not tonight you'll be so fucked up can you do it now can you do it now because I need it for my career and I'm going away I'm going way tomorrow and you cut it real for him he needs it for his agency needs to send it yeah I want to put up on a TV show based on this fucking podcast tonight yeah exactly I need to describe it I

need to send this to fucking Fox and they're gonna go back in two days we're gonna put you on a special fucking show but we're gonna give it to Jim Norton still give it to fucking anybody else but us anybody else but us you guys need time alone no I'm sorry getting that Jewish feeling I go like I should get out of here now no no no no we're good I'm happy you guys came out tonight one more time Rick Shapiro you guys are fucking real you guys are the shit one more time Lee I'm jelly deals you guys agree thank you very much you