Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #12

Episode Date: May 30, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined again by Comedian Ari Shaffir for a great live podcast.  Recorded live on 05/28/2014 in front of a live audience. 

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? I love it. Wednesday night, you got on the 134, you said, fuck it. We're going to take our chances into the Twilight Zone. Fuck it. Thank you very much for coming out. Everything's all right. Memorial Day fucked up, holiday.

Fucks up the whole week. You wake up for Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And then one of these two is like, fuck, that shit went quick. Quick, that holidays go fucking quick now. It's Saturday, you get up, you get drunk, right? Right, you get high, whatever. It's nighttime at UFC, you go to bed, boom, it's Sunday. Next thing you go to a church, you got a suit on,

you're kissing people, you're asking yourself, why the fuck you're there? You go to church, you're like, what the fuck am I doing here? I don't give a fuck about this shit no more. That was, fuck these people. These motherfuckers don't know, think about dick and shit. You really do. That's a fucking awakening.

That could happen anyway. You could be at a sushi place. How many fucking pounds of fish am I going to fucking eat before I die? It's over, I'm going back to pork chops. It's over. How are you, sir? What's happening?

Everything all right? What's going on, Tarzan? What's happening? Everything all right? I'm happy you're here. You guys are fucking young, a lot of young people. I got to tell you something. When it gets older, when you get older,

it doesn't get weird. Shit just gets fucked up. Like ever since I turned 50, who has a kid at 50? Only a nice whole like me. For years, I would watch all this 54-year-old guy, and I would look at him like, you fucking moron. You had a kid now, you fucking moron. This is your glory.

This one, you sling dick. You take Viagra, you buy a Corvette, right? You tell your wife to go fuck herself, you're taking the money, you're fucking a 21-year-old, you bought a tits already, fuck it, it's over. So you don't speak English, you don't give a fuck anymore. No, not me. I knocked my wife up, you know.

I joined Jiu-Jitsu. Who joins Jiu-Jitsu when they're 51? Only a fat fucking moron like me. Fucking people. You join Jiu-Jitsu when you're 20, people beat you up. You go home, you have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and you're back, you know what I'm saying? I roll one hour, I'm done for a fucking week.

My hip hurts, my neck smells like ass. You ever get like a Jiu-Jitsu, you get somebody's ass on your neck, and you don't care because it's a Jiu-Jitsu. Until you get in the car, you're like fuck. Somebody had their ass on my fucking neck. What happened to me? What happened to me? What the fuck?

I'm paying the people to put asses on my neck. That's fucked up. I got to back the car up. That's fucked up. And I'm wearing some fucking costume, like a fucking, like a Mexican at Benihana. You see how the, You ever go to Benihana, there's no Japanese people left.

They're all Mexicans. They're like Mexican actors from Telemundo and shit. Bowing and shit, trying to pull it off. By the time you get to your table, you're like, he's not Japanese, he's just fuck. Only the Japanese hosts, that's it. They trick you. Only the hosts, when you walk in there,

she's got the sandals. How many? But then after that, you're in fucking El Segundo. You know what I'm saying? Once you get to the table, they throw in knives. That's a Mexican dog. He's like, the knives are sticking to the ceiling. It's fucked up.

It's fucked up. You know what's fucked up? Me, I'm fucked up. Did I tell you people that? I had a cheap boat you, I'm sorry. That was perjude from the back. Sometimes you got a piece of ham in your tooth and you ain't got floss, you know what I'm saying?

You ain't got fucking floss, what are you gonna do? So all right, so forget about the jiu-jitsu. Forget about having a kid at 51, here's the beauty. So one day I'm driving on my own business and my stone, whatever, you know what I'm saying? It's like 330, I'm fucking gone, okay? And the phone rings and you press the thing, beep. And all of a sudden somebody talks to you.

Mr. Diaz, hi, this is Kaiser Permanente. Now I got two insurances, I got my wife's and I got mine. But I never talked to Kaiser, that's my wife's insurance. I don't talk to those fucking people, but they got my number, right? Like Mr. Diaz, hi, it's Dr. fucking whatever from Kaiser, we need to speak to you, urge of matter. Do you have time?

Yeah, go ahead, drop it on me, Doc. He goes, listen, once you hit 50, answer it, you fuck. Once you hit 50. Tom, you're calling back after the fucking show when you get on the 134. I'll call you back on the 134. So, you know, sometimes you're driving your mind in your own business, a good song comes on,

you know, a fucking journey, whatever, you know, you're fucking singing. Then love me to die, whatever it is, right? That sounds like a Chinese song, what the fuck? Up your game, Joey, you ain't, you'll never win on that game. How about a big round of applause for the waitstaff? Look at him, smoking tonight, this shit.

Looking better than ever. When was the last time you see a girl serving drinks with a fucking ponytail, motherfuckers? She's hot, she's beautiful, she's a savage. I love these, I love the waitstaff here. They don't fuck around, you understand? Anyway, so I'm driving, I'm a little stoned, right? What's happening, Prima, everything all right?

Good to see you, I'm a little fucking stoned. Where you been, what happened? What the fuck happened? I love you, thanks for coming out, you sexy motherfucker, look at you. It's Wednesday night, you're banging out the cleavage, you're ready to that, aren't you? Usually the tits come out on Thursday, you said fucking.

These motherfuckers can't wait, you know what I'm saying? I dumped a boyfriend, it's all over. I'm getting my titties sucked again, this shit. Remember the first day we always suck your titties when we go home with that tit Bradley? Tastes like perfume and fucking cotton and shit, you're like, man, I'm thirsty, like a motherfucker. Right or wrong, it was the last time

you got your titties sucked. Just some guy sat there on his hands and knees sucking your titties, wouldn't even touch your monkey, you're like, what the fuck's this guy waiting for? I wanna save it for the right night. The right night was the night jerk off you. You're fucked up on opportunity, you know what I'm saying? You're sucking the titties, you take it away from there,

you don't stop. Fuck it, I'm going back to the fourth grade, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes this weed takes your back, you never suck tits in the fourth grade, remember? Think, think, close your, I suck Debbie Dominguez tits. I gave her a quarter, right, listen to me, right? I gave her a fucking quarter.

And then it was the first grade, I was going to school at PS166, I'd never forgotten. She was Puerto Rican, that's why I don't like Jennifer Lopez, right? She let me suck a tit at the playground under like the monkey bars, but she did it with like a record. Remember the records had a hole in the middle, so.

So I gave her a quarter, I sucked a tit and I went home like with a red face, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, my mom was like, what happened to you, you don't want to know, you know what I'm saying? I gave her a chicken quarter, she sucked my tit, you know what I'm saying, fucking, I'm in the first grade, what's happening? Debbie Dominguez point, she had like 18 fucking brothers,

but I got away with the tit suck and I stopped there. I was six too, you know, don't fucking go, ooh. If you're six and you suck a girl that's six titties, that's okay, you know what I'm saying? If she's six and you're 20, we got a fucking problem. But if you're six and she's six, and you want to suck a titties, you know, I don't think there's a six year old that'll suck a dick,

there's no fucking way, where you convince a little girl to suck your dick for a quarter under the fucking monkey bars. If you have speak now or forever, hold your fucking pee. Because that would have been too much for me to get my dick sucked in the first grade. I would have never been the same. I would have grown up to be a pervert.

So, all right, let me finish this because I got a good show tonight. I'm driving and this guy says to me, well, Mr. D, as you know, I don't know if you know this, when you get to your age, you have to do a certain test and I go, what test? He's like, so we'll set you a cup and you have to put feces in it and mail it back.

And I'm like, all right, fucking, who is this? And, you know, why are you fucking with me at four in the afternoon? You don't fucking stoned, I don't need this shit. At 10, 15, it would have been funny, you know what I'm saying? But it's four, you want me to shit in a cup and I just hung up on the guy, right fucking? I got in the one on one in traffic,

I ain't gonna put up with that nonsense, shit in a fucking cup, I'm gonna talk, right? Nobody calls and I thought about it, so I didn't even tell my wife, like I went home, I didn't say anything about Kaiser calling me and wanting to shit in a cup. So, by three we say another call in the morning, throw me off completely, I'm like, hello, Kaiser here,

we sent you a cup, did you shit in it and mail it back yet? And they didn't say shit and I'm sitting there going, are you fucking serious? I mean, are you, and they're like, yeah, when you get to the age of 50, you want to examine your shit then and when you're 58, so you just shit in a cup and mail it in and we'll take care of the rest and I...

I shit in some weird fucking places, you understand? I've been thinking about the weirdest place that I ever shit, the Night Freddy Prince got shot, that's how old I am, the Night Freddy Prince got shot, not Junior, I don't know what happened to him. That's a good joke right there, I'm talking about fucking senior, the Night Freddy Prince senior got shot,

I was like a young kid and it was the dead of the winter, like January and I was uptown and I walked home and I had a shit and it was really cold, so I cut through the projects and there was a hole through the fence where you cut into the cemetery, so I found the grave from like 1898, I was a Catholic, I wasn't gonna shit on a fresh grave, I'm a Catholic, I believe in that shit,

1898, hang on, no relatives, nothing's gonna happen, it was fucking freezing out, so I pulled my pants down, you know, and I shit, I left my dick in the jeans, so I pissed in the jeans. And it was like three below zero, so when I got up the pants were frozen and I had to walk home like a 10, like a fucking walking dead, right?

You know, cause that's the only way you can legitimize in your mind, shitting in a cup at 50, you're like, it's bad, but I've done worse. When I went to prison, I shit in a cheese box, there was this biker dude that used to get on my fucking nerves and I worked in the kitchen, you know, the government cheese, I took the cheese out and I shit in the box,

it was perfect, it went fit in, and I took an American flag like for a Derb's and I put it on his, and I put it in his drawer and I left it there for like three weeks, and then when you all walked by, he's like, excuse me, come in here for a second, smell my room, you smell nothing, nothing. Finally, one day he found it, it was all crinkled up,

it was like a dinosaur, it was like, it went from like nine inches to like two inches, the American flag had crumbled, it was nothing, it was just a toothpick, nothing, it was done. So I said, fuck it, I'll shit in the cup, but then I couldn't find the cup, so fuck it, that's it, I left, so I never had to take shit in the cup, and then last week I went for a physical,

the doctor's like, oh, by the way, but this is at my insurance, he goes, by the way, when I finished, he goes, by the way, you gotta go for a colonoscopy when you're 51, where they shove a camera, I don't know where, on your pee hole, on your dick, on your asshole, you have to pay somebody to knock you out because of the pain, and I'm like, wait a second, listen,

ain't nobody knocking me out and putting something in my ass, I don't understand, that's no way, I want a film, I want something, I don't trust nobody, because I'll tell you what, if you pay me 200 to knock you out and put a camera up your ass, I'm gonna finger you, I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do something, that's it, I'm not a pervert, but you gotta do it,

even though, so on the way out, he goes, and by the way, I do another test, we gotta shit and mail it in, and I go, fuck, I thought it was a joke, and he goes, nah, and he gave me an envelope, because you gotta eat the proper foods for three days, then you gotta shit, then you gotta scrape it, they give you like a spoon, like one of those sample spoons from like,

brick oven beannery, what's the name of the blood, the ice cream, I swear to God, and put it in an envelope and mail it in, listen, I ain't doing it, I ain't doing it, all right, they wanna send somebody over to take it out of the toilet, go ahead, there's not a joke there, I'm just telling you about my week, you know what I'm saying? You want jokes, you gotta come later, this is just,

I'm telling you about my fucking week, people, all right, what the fuck, this is what I get torn with, taking a shit in a cup, you know how hard that is, and you know I'm fucking crazy, I take a shit anyway, I love all that stuff, when I was a kid, I take a shit in a bag and you light it on fire and you ring somebody's doorbell, you ever do that? Nobody, you people didn't have fun in this case,

didn't you, fuck you, motherfuckers, you don't know what you're missing, you ring their doorbell, right, you put the bag of shit in their front step, so when they open the door, like what, special delivery, and they look down and there's a bag on fire and they step on it and then they shit in their feet, what the fuck, now they gotta walk back in the house

with slippers with shit in their slippers, you know, and they scoop it and mail it in, you know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha, so I'm always thinking, you motherfuckers didn't know where I was going with this, you motherfuckers, forget I'm a Cuban Jew, when you're sleeping, I'm creeping, you know what I'm saying? When you're sleeping, I'm creeping, cocksuckers. Speaking about Jews is my favorite one,

fucking, where is he? The Flying Jew, Mr. Lisa, yeah, get up here, cocksucker. Woo! Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, take your time. Well, you freak me out, I'll usually open the show and then you didn't tell me anything.

I didn't even fucking know, I didn't know, I'm listening. Why are you fucking with me, it's after 4.30, you know the deal. What happened at Benihana? You've been pissed about it for like two weeks. Ha ha ha ha. Listen, when I go to Benihana, when I go to any restaurant, people,

I'm a fat fuck, I take my tradition seriously, do you understand that? And I expect the same from people. When I see a restaurant, it says Korean Chinese. You gotta pick a country with me. Ha ha ha ha. Either you're Korean or Chinese, I can't have two people in the kitchen

and one of them throws curry on my chicken. I'll fucking snap, you understand me? I'll shoot every fucking nationality in there. So before that happens, I like to deal with straight up people. If I wanna fucking papusa, I go to a Salvadorian fucking restaurant, correct? That's tradition. I'm not gonna go to some Chinese guy in the corner

that sells papusas. I don't give a fuck if he got nine miles to feed. Make pork fried rice, I'm in. When I want a fucking green chili with chicharron burrito, I go to a fucking Mexican joint, right? Whatever, that's tradition. That's why. That's fucking why I don't go to Benihana

because they got fucking Mexicans making Japanese food. I don't like it. You should have seen it. We went to Austin a couple weeks ago and we got there and the driver was like this army ranger guy. He looked all like impressive in his suit and you asked him where to eat nearby where we were and he told you this one place was like a mixed,

like a Chinese, Mexican, and you just started going off. I don't go to mixed flags. And I don't go to those mixed flags and the kitchen cocksucker and this guy was like the nicest Mexican guy in the world. He liked that place. I don't man, you gotta don't confuse me. Pick a fucking flag and I'm all in.

What about Magianos? What do you think about that place? I wouldn't fucking go to that place. That's the worst Italian food. That's the first place I went when I seen Italians killing themselves. Just leaving notes and stabbing themselves in the fucking eyeballs.

That's how bad that is. The one on the grove, that one you're talking about? Yeah. We just shit blood for a month. That one. There's just some food that's fucking bad, man. I went to book at the pepper with Paula and you like yelled at me for like 10 minutes.

Yeah, sure. I yelled at you and your asshole yelled at you too. At midnight when you got fire and guts coming out and an intestine and shit and your wife's like, my stomach hurts. Yeah, but I brought the coupon. I don't give a fuck. There's some places where you go

and there's some places where you just don't even fucking look at, okay? The fuck is wrong with you? I don't pick the right plots. You gotta, you know, it's like this hummus recall. Yeah. I bet you ate hummus the next, I don't... I did, I did.

I did, I did because I buy it at Ralph's. I don't buy it at Trader Joe's. Who gives a fuck? It's the same guy stepping on grapes and garbanzos. Maybe you got a fungi toe. Did you ever think of that? They don't make hummus with their food. Well, what's wrong with a fungi toe, bitch?

What? I got one, it's fucked up. Ha ha ha! The fuck, y'all got me upset about food. I'm sorry. Mixed races, you know, drives me fucking nuts. You know what I'm saying? Not mixed races, but mixed kitchens.

Don't confuse me, you know what I'm saying? If you're black, you're black. You never see a black, Chinese kitchen. They don't fucking handle that shit, black people. They wouldn't go for that shit. If you're Mexican, you come in there, listen, bro. My tacos ain't selling, let's put that shit together. Fried chicken and taco.

Fuck you, Paco. Andale, it's all over. Black people are black people. You never see them mixing food with nobody because they know they wouldn't get the same amount of fucking people coming in. What kind of food do black people make? You know, fucking macaroni and cheese, barbecue,

soul food, the green stuff, the grits, the other shit, the leaves with like a chicken neck in it. That's what they fucking make, I don't know. What I'm right now, fucking Anthony Bordain, cop sucker, all of a sudden I hang out in black neighborhoods and eat shitlands and shit, I don't eat that shit. You know, it's tough, it's tough. And I'm a fat fuck, I eat at home.

But if I get sick one time, I'll never fucking eat your food again. There was a little taco guy in the corner from my house. I ate his fucking tacos every Friday night. Eight, nine of them. Kind of a professional, you understand me? I don't show up, give me two tacos. Are they gluten-free tortillas?

I tell them, fucking pile that shit on there. I don't give a fuck. Goat meat, cabesa, lingua. Put that motherfucker together. Remember that time that white lady showed up and was angry about 50 cents and change? And you and the taco guy just started making fun of her. Like two her face in Spanish?

You just started yelling at her. Fuck yeah. The guys out here feeding the family, no fucking license. He don't give a fuck. Cops, every time the cops go by, they got a duck. Fuck. They got to make believe they're Mexican statues and shit. They work for the fucking 50 cents.

Give them 50 fucking cents. They charge you a dollar for those fucking no-licensed tacos. And they're delicious. They're fucking those hot dogs. How could those fucking disgusting hot dogs with the bacon around them, with the onions and the pepper, three in the morning, when you're fucked up?

That's like a Mexican white caskel. That's what that is. That's Mexican fucking white castle. While you're eating it, you're like, I'm gonna die, but you don't give a fuck. It's like eating a crack-closed pussy. You know you're going... You know you're going down.

But it's five in the morning and this is yummy. It's yummy for your tummy. Go yummy, go yummy. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Little yo-gabba-gabba there for the fucking people. All right, you can eat a fucking... Every guy in here, somebody come up to you and say,

the bitch is hot and fucked. At four in the morning, you're all fucked up. And they're like, bro, you just fucked 18 guys. You would still look at her like... Fuck it, I'm taking that bitch down. I'm looking... 19 is my lucky number. You'll be eating the rest, tasting the hot fuck it.

I don't give a fucking shit. I had a sore throat anyway. I had a sore throat when I got here and shit. You ever go on a date and eat a pussy and you got a sore throat? You don't know whether you should call it back. Well, what do you think about Michael Douglas and his wife? What happened? When Michael Douglas said he got cancer from eating his wife out?

That's disgusting. That don't happen. If anything, the pussy juice cures the cancer. I had a friend who was blind. He got pussy juice in his eyes. He's shooting people in Iran with that one eye... Listen, guys, this is like going to your uncle's house. And he gets fucked up and you don't get fucked up. And he just makes a fool out of himself in the living room.

This is what you're witnessing right now. It's your retarded uncle and his buddy who just got out of prison. They come to your house for Easter and you're like, what the fuck happened? He used to be alright. He went to USC. Seriously, I'm just asking. And the same thing goes other way. Sometimes you got a healthy woman. She sucks a dick. The next day you call that out.

And they will never tell you, I sucked a bad dick. A woman will never cop to it. A guy will cop to it. I had a friend once I called him. He was like, I got a sore throat. I go, you eat some bad pussy. How'd you know? I know. I fucking been there. We all got a bad batch from time to time.

You gotta go home, eat a fucking tuna sandwich and you're back. We're family. What the fuck ladies, you know? Sometimes women lick a bad nut and it's bad, you know what I'm saying? The nut's got something on it and that's, you know, that kind of thing. You ever find something weird on your nuts? Tell me the truth. On it? No, I mean, my nuts have smelled bad. You run in the bathroom, you take, when you're taking this shit, you don't look around. Yeah, but what am I supposed to find on my nuts?

I don't know, maybe there's an ant and you look at it. I don't fucking know, a beauty mark. What have you found on your nuts? I found a beauty mark about ten years ago. A beauty, what's a beauty mark? I don't know, it was like a brown spot. I don't give a fuck. I looked the other way and cough, everything was good, you know what I'm saying? I think that was shit, Joey.

There wasn't no shit on my fucking... You think I go around fucking people in the muffler? That's not my strategy. Yeah, you do. I can never do something, I talk that, I can never fuck somebody in the ass. I can think about it, I talk a bad game, I'll fucking the ass. If you opened up your ass and said, shoot that missile in here, I would fall apart, like I gotta go. I got a set in 15 minutes, they're calling me from the ice house.

I think that's disgusting, that's like, I did it a couple of times, it's disgusting. That's like a power move, you know what I'm saying? Let me fuck in the ass, then after you finish, you're like, what do I do that for? I just terrorized a poor girl, you know. Just to satisfy this macho fucking stupidity I have inside of me. Then you'll never fuck a woman up the ass again. You'll think about it, but nah. Not tonight, I've recovered from that shit.

Alright, where's my guest tonight, one of the baddest Jews I know. My brother, another fucking, I only got Jewish brothers, that's how you gotta act in this world today. If you ain't got a Jew in your family, you're slipping, you know what I'm saying? Your sister shows up with a Filipino, I don't know what to tell you, you know what I'm saying? Take her in the closet, you gotta bring a Jew first and date the Filipino on the side. My brother, Mr. Ari Shafir, where the fuck? What's happening, baby? What's happening?

The fucking international traveler. Yeah, I'm about to go to China. So it's all, it's official? Yeah, I'm going on Junete, they had a revolution in one part of the country. So did you get the consulate already to approve of today? No. So you gotta go back on Friday? I gotta go back tomorrow.

So you got two weeks to make this fucking happen, guy? Yeah, I might not. Huh? I might not. But why don't you hire an attorney, why don't you pay an attorney a nickel to cut through the paperwork for you? But how do I find an attorney? That sounds like a lot of paperwork. Cohen. What?

Cohen. Oh, just call a Cohen. Cohen, you call one attorney and he'll direct you to somebody else and he'll get it done for the extra fucking nickel, and you're gonna stand online like a mutt. What's a nickel? 500, I know you're gonna put it on your Visa card, it's a lot of money. 500 dollars on a standing line? 500 dollars on a standing line with people sweating, that fucking, you know, I gotta go sweat,

you ever smell that shit? If one of them don't put the odor on and it's over, they always gonna keep the air on at 74. I don't know if that's a fucking magic number. I live in Burbank and I'm walking around at 103, I weigh 300 pounds. Nowhere is that 70 fucking four degrees. Kick that motherfucker down to 50. You wanna be in a government office, everybody's sweating, they're all upset. Next.

Hi, my name is Ari Shafir. I'm going to China in June 8th to do comedy. Really? What paperwork do you have? I have my license, I have my passport, I have my birth certificate, I have my TRT paperwork. They look it over and they go, where's your, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. What pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. And they'll go, you pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa.

You gotta send 25 hours and get that and that takes 10 days. It takes 10 more days to send out. You're not gonna make your motherfucking trip on June 8th. That's how they were. And then you're gonna go, what? I didn't know, nobody told me, I stood in line, fuck the TSA, fuck the Chinese, Fuck the cock and you're gonna end up in fucking L.A. to County and I'm fucking the J.A. and then you're not gonna have direct TV And they're gonna show you that this is what happens when you go to the consulate. You should have stayed home watching direct TV

All right, so you go you call Cohen you go calling I got a problem Oh, and I didn't donate I got a ton of fucking shit on my mind. I gotta get my paper I didn't know this a couple years ago. Somebody wanted me to go to Netherlands Amsterdam and I started fucking around calling people. I got a buddy who said listen dog I'm gonna help you out. There's an office on Wilshire You go down there you pay him 275 hours and they'll get the thing for you in 24 fucking hours No paperwork. No, you do all the paperwork that you stand on 275 to get you all the paperwork You did that and you're on your phone. Well when I went down there, they typed my name in almost blew up, you know

They said we can't do it. We need like 27,500 Because we got a bribe fucking Australians and Jamaicans and we got to get the plane back from Malaysia to fly over there and that Where's that fucking plane? Oh Yeah, they stopped looking for that plane. Where's the fucking plane? There's gotta be one Malaysian in this motherfucker that knows Starting to get pissed off, you know why those Americans around that plane why hookers? I'm telling you That's it. That's why they went there that plane was filled with hoolenism that plane smelled like soy sauce and yin-yang juice And they were listening to me so horny in that motherfucker

And a bunch of girls are dancing fucking kids flying crying White guys throwing singles teeth in the air. It was a fucking party and shit and the pilot said fuck this I Want a sore throat tomorrow Send one of those Malaysian skanks back here And the plane went down and that's what they they got the tapes they got the tapes that's a year We so horny answer answer fuck you. I'm getting my dick suck I haven't my dick sucks is the divorce Do they have hookers in China?

They have hookers in China? No, that's where they invented fucking hookers Get on the line right now get on some web page and say I want a 19 year old with a tight fucking monkey little titties Chinese to no fucking acupuncture Tai Chi I Wanted to have those rocks to pull the fucking nutrients out of my feet And I wanted to be able to make twice cook pork I want her 20,000 and within seven days UPS is dropping her off Where do I sign you don't

Even the UPS guy knows he's got like eight other ones in there yelling This ain't college I'm suffocating 20,000 you can fucking order one of those fucking chicks from some other country. I don't know about this I'm just I Bet you could I bet you could know I fucking I had a friend 20 years ago I had a Russian wife, and that's how he got it. Really? Yeah He ordered like this hot fucking blonde that all she didn't talk like nothing How long did they last in three years and then she blew some guy in Beverly Hills and and then she doubled up her tits

Like she had big tits. Yeah, she went like the 54 double D's out to my fucking daughter I wish I was lying to you She showed up at the laugh factory eight years later, and they were like this and she was with some old guy Like you know had like three days left She's waiting to cash in That's how he got and then he wrote a script about it mail order bride And he tried to attach Tim Allen and Tim Allen suit him. We gotta move back to Virginia. I swear to God I'm dropping knowledge on your motherfuckers Hollywood stores type information for $10 on a Wednesday night. You know that

The fuck you got two Jews in the Cuban. What are you gonna get that? That's a fucking that's a law and order episode right there I You watch a new law and orders. Oh, it's done now. I watch SVU. That's for you sucks I got a new channel who wants to watch the rape we we we has Fucking you pick your law and order episodes bitch So you got a weed org when you pick your own law and order episodes that you want to watch back to back to back to back Women's entertainment. Whatever who gives a fuck. It's all day long. I don't know if it's women's entertainment. It could be

Women's fucking Evangelical what else I'm shit. It could be but it's not They play law and order all fucking day and the good ones with Benjamin Bratt They showed a good one today when the fucking cop shoots the cop and he's dirty So the fucking Spanish kid Benjamin Bratt behind them and then they set up fucking Jerry or back Then Jerry or back is in trouble and then at the end the cop testifies he goes I did it and they're gonna arrest him again on double jeopardy. They all go to get him in his house That's what he kills himself

And the Russians the Russians is the ending when his wife left him and came back and she had cancer and shit And she fought he killed the Russians and at the end he tells Jerry he's got to leave and Jerry or back looks on He goes right Anytime any place you got my number. That's the best fucking episode right there. You know how they have the guide It's two thousand. I wish in like direct TV's guide. You can hit like Joey Listen you could show up at me with Seinfeld the monsters Every fucking show and all I look at you and go low and order 25 years and you got to bend your head and go away Like like Rocky's wife, you got a right

I think all you watch is lawn order and Wally Kazam, you know, like every Wally Kazam by heart Well, there's only eight of them Was Wally Kazam I know Wally Kazam is a kid show My daughter sits down in front of her TV like a like a fucking Momo Wally Kazam Say the word say the word Wally Kazam. He sits in he's got a little fucking dog And she's young but she looks at every five minutes. She giggles The fuck you giggling that nothing's going on The fuck is the matter you all right

Drop you off some way. You're all right Have you talked about a shoplift yet? No, I'm not doing that shit you little girl. I can't teach you that shit What's that? You're totally gonna teach her. I'm not gonna teach you how to shoplift But you're just gonna let her fend for herself. No pass down that the knowledge explained to her Little things like how to couple fucking, you know, like a set of glasses when you're paying You know what I'm saying you put them in your pocket. Yeah little things so she could watch, you know I'm gonna teach you my eyes I gotta teach you my eyes that says as long as I can teach you my eyes how to spot a motherfucker three blocks away

How they walk how fast the box because when you're a burglar you you move differently when you're a when you rob people You move differently. I used to be a burglar So I know how people move when they're gonna burglarize somebody they move a little fucking weird and shit, you know what I'm saying I predict in like six years. You guys are gonna take down every southern california 7-eleven. There's gonna be like no lighters No lighters I don't want to fucking give it a tick. Thanks for going out of business curse. I don't want to fucking give her that curse I'm gonna teach how to look out for it. You know, that's all you could do You want to take you want to make your daughter a superwoman, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you want to have three black belts

She knows how to shoot a bow and arrow how to stab a motherfucker How to give mouth to mouth how to slice your hair how to fucking bury you on the 170 you want to teach them how to do all these fucking things, you know, I'm saying So that's what I want our daughter to have balls. I want to I could see you having a daughter that would be like Would give you a shave with a straight razor. Fuck. Yeah, that's what I I want a daughter that would fucking stab you in a new york minute. So there's no misunderstandings I don't want my daughter to be far a force in the burning bed. I wanted to fucking kill the motherfucker Then burn the motherfucker

Then stab him again Then burn him again, then cut his balls off and put him on the internet and say fuck you Have a good day Do you see the new uh densa washington movie? It looks actually pretty good. Okay. What's it about? Same same thing is always Revenge you need to get revenge on people. He's a hooker. Oh, yeah, that's gonna never be a fucking hooker. Chloe merits She's a hooker. Yeah for like the russian mob Could you kick ass too? I don't think so. Oh, okay. Uh, yeah, what is he protector?

Yeah, he protects him and the russian mob. Listen, he protects everybody. They always end up dying The problem with denzel was after man on fire. He was done with that genre. Yeah, he couldn't cover the spread after that Yeah, he shouldn't shoot another fucking rehashing the same shit. Yeah after man on fire. He shot his load He should just be a black guy now He should never have a fucking gun in his hand ever again. What about what about I think like the black father and uh lead the weapon like Danny Glover he was too good and man on fire. He was so focused. He was so Even american gangsta didn't do as well as it did because man on fire took him so fucking high

What about the one they won the ward for which one training day? No, man. He's awesome He was just trying this fucking. I don't see it. Listen, man I'm gonna tell you guys something and you might hate me for this, but I'm gonna drop it on you and I can back it Okay, I can back this shit. Okay The other day I was watching a movie called king of new york And something hit me when I was watching king of new york. Yeah, it was christopher walkin and the red devil. What's his name? Uh, csi miami. Oh, yeah Caruso and fucking uh blade isn't that movie

I mean when you watch fucking Blade what the fuck west lee snipes blade What's his fucking name blade that's what I'm not being right. I'm not donald sterling. That's his fucking movies blade You people fucking look at me like I've said spade it's blade Fucking blade not spade motherfuckers get your shit together. Don't put words in my mouth We went to the pasadena and the fact cuban said spade We got it on tape tmz arisha fear three jews in the cuban insulting that

But let me tell you something i'm gonna break it down. There's a there's a black gentleman in the audience And I don't want you to get insulted because i'm gonna break it down for these motherfuckers And i'm gonna take you back to 90 Uh, what's the chris rock special when he said there's two types of black people? Yeah You want to say the word for you? No, you don't have to bring back bad fucking man If you need someone to fill in I can totally I remember that cd. I can totally do that part I watched the king of new york, which is a brilliant movie

He remembered dens remember they pissed on the black guy's shoes at the italian place and then fucking chris walking sticks up for the black guy and he comes back and he goes I want to play cards He takes out a lot of money he goes come on. Let's play motherfucker turn the card over and the guy don't turn the card over He starts shooting them bam bam bam bam then he tells him any motherfucker that wants to come with me. You're welcome You're welcome Come to the hotel you're part with me and these italians were like fucking what the fuck has happened, right? But there was a gentleman in that movie of an african-american gentleman that to me

People don't look at him. He's the best black actor. We've forgotten about him. The man's name is lauris fishbur He's a joke and i'll back you right now motherfuckers And we're gonna break it down little brother. I know you're sitting there going I want to know what joe he's taking this. This is the big payback. This is james brown. What? With my girlfriend That ain't right This is fucking harlem right here So who remembers him and with ike tina turn it when he played ike turn

He was a completely crazy black guy He fucking put pie in a fucking face. He dragged her by your fucking hair. Yeah, he fucking fucked up. He dragged her by your hair Fuck michael vay He dragged his poor black woman and gave it to her and they said fuck you bitch and let's write a song mother fuckers But in the king of new york, he played a different type of black guy He put shiny teeth in his shit. He was like fucking bumping And he went into the chicken place. Yeah, I want some ribs on some corner of the cob and he said yo pay attention motherfucker Then he tells the kid get away from the pinball machine. You ain't got no money stop talking to the kids like that

And he goes over and he gives the black woman a hundred dollar bill and he gives the kids quarters and shit And he goes back over to the guy. He goes, where's my fucking order? I want ribs pork chops chicken big pin. He goes, how much is this 63? Thank you very much motherfucker And as he turns around the cops go in and he throws the food at him and he spits in fucking spades face, right? And he oh my god And then they wipe it off and he licks it. He's bad to the fucking bone at the end. He shoots caruso and he starts giggling his shit Right there. I said these motherfuckers got their focus somewhere else Fucking laurence fishburn is the best black fucking hack to walk in today

And if you don't believe me put on apocalypse now when he was 16 years old, what the fuck were you motherfuckers doing when you were 16? He was in the philippines fucking getting bit by mosquitoes. You understand me With his grandmother down there They had to sign them away to go to the philippines for a year to make that fucking movie apocalypse now So next time you look at laurence and that's not even talking about that movie you motherfuckers like where he transforms into Matrix with the bald head. We're not even dropping those aren't you? I'm saving those in case one of you motherfuckers has an argument, you know What about matrix

Yeah What's happening are you severe? So you gotta you you sold the show to comedy central. We're very proud of you. You're a bad motherfucker You started from scratch Thanks that asian lady. She comes everyone, you know, it's uh, what's happening asian lady What's happening is is you know in today's market You don't you don't need to fucking you don't need a t a station no more to create something Yeah, you really don't believe in something you go you put it in your garage You take your little cousin to do makeup and you shoot it motherfuckers

And you shoot it every week and you believe in it and you keep shooting it and shooting it and shooting The next thing you go from three hits to six hits to 12 hits and actually you know You get a million hits while all your friends are telling you you were a loser Also, the network comes and talks to you That's what happened. Are you sure fear not because he's better than you motherfuckers because he started at the improv For free for five hours a fucking night to go down there and tell stories about doing drugs and fucking people You were the first one. Yeah, four fucking years ago and look at he sold the fucking show. So there you have it That's it

Thanks, it should be media You want to write a book you can sell on ebay on e whatever the fuck, you know A post to you with an arrow whatever the fuck you want to do you want to start up whatever your voice wants to get out There it's that's it. It's living fucking proof and he ain't no better than you He ain't hanging out with are better than the mexicans. Fuck you. Fuck suckin fucking donald sterling jr What have I he adopted me right now Adopted. I would like to announce that he is my new father. Oh my god

Donald sterling it's innocent of all charges who the fuck would right now want to even hang out with that mother Oh, he's cancer. He's like the kiss of death right now. He can't even apologize, right? No, no No, he goes to apologize and he's like, you know, I'm sorry, but this fucking magic johnson this black motherfucker magic johnson He fucked woman with AIDS. He's He's not a role model. He's no good. He had AIDS and shit Bullbone AIDS and he said he said it to the one gay news guy like the one gay guy who would actually be offended by it So you're gonna sell the team I was just joking. I want black people when everybody at the fucking show must not really say that shit

My thing is they're trying to take it away from him because he's he's hurting the mba But i'm like the last 30 years the clippers sucked beyond all reason That hurt the mba Fucking jude didn't spend a goddamn penny on that team We all respected him. We put him in the hall of fame Just get just living off luxury taxes But what really was fucking funny out of this whole thing that they had given him like an nc double a award Yeah, right his second one like a lifetime achievement award. Can you believe that shit when the guy got fired?

You know, we're so fucking sad that once they get the real can you believe this guy was actually accepting these awards? He's probably getting the award thinking get me to fuck From these fucking savages and shit. Where's laurence fishburn? Where the fuck? I was told laurence fishburn was gonna be here. He's the only black guy allowed at the clipper games He said all his whole teams are koreans. He was it's it's crazy this people But you know, like I said before the sadness is that this is the new thing you know, you're gonna have to fucking Shake somebody down to talk about black people

You know what the NBA players should do? Hold on. That's a good joke. Nobody got it. I'm sorry. No, I didn't say it again I didn't say it right. You got it. I got it people down You know I'm saying like in the mafia before they talk to you they always shake to see if you got a tape recorder Yeah, okay, you could talk about black people. Let me You know to talk about any nationality down you got to shake somebody down You're not gonna believe it. Uh a fucking Chinese guy cut me I

Don't give a fuck because my thoughts are public anyway. Yeah, you people know my fuck. I don't hate no bud I'd say crazy. Sure. I can't hate nobody. You know what I'm saying Yeah, you're full of love I can't I really can't I talk shit, but I can't I can't really like be racist like that because I know what it is I'm fucking cute, but I know what it is for people to look at you weird. You know They don't say nothing. They just look at you weird, you know They know you're different I had a girl sit on the bus behind me on the way back from Wheaton Plaza

She had one of those birds that you know that drinked the water Out of the cup and she like held it to back of my head and she kept saying yamaka pecker. Yeah She would say that over and over again and it was very hurtful yamaka pecker yamaka pecker That shit drives me crazy. Yeah, I said nothing. I took it For how long like 30 minutes I probably would have done the same thing. Yeah, I thought about getting off. No, I did nothing about getting off the bus I was like, I already paid for it. I guess this is the way we're gonna take the bus today

Someone's saying yamaka pecker at me It gently tapping me. I pretended like I couldn't even hear it. She was 17. I was 15 That's terrible. Yeah, I probably could have fought her to her stand still but man, I was a pussy She was probably antagonizing you like that was part of like a sex move Haha, you think so? Like she wanted you to turn around and smack her and call her a fucking bitch That should go oh and then blood would have broke from her lip and she would have looked at it and licked it And then you would have punched her again you motherfucker. What bitch? What? Polar cop motherfucker. I'm feeling prisky today

And then she would have like flipped over and she would have had a skirt on with no panties Yeah, I like your way better than what happened to me Let's do your thing. What's that the thing about all that punching in the face and the no panties the cops come You tell us she hit me in the head with a burden Yeah, she said no copper believed that shit. Listen. He hit me in the hamaca with a bird the yarmulke Hamaca, you know, that's racist plus it's fucking hurtful plus My uncle's a public injury attorney. So I'll shoot this whole fucking bus every bird in america

And every chick that don't shave her pussy and her armpits She was a guy. I don't mind if she don't shave her pussy the armpits gotta go that's too The armpits are too much. That's too jony mitchellous Joan bias I'm maxi, you know, I'm fucking hanging out with chicks with dirty feet playing the guitar That pussy smells like patchouli juice We can't have that shit chico. You know what I'm saying? I've never looked at the girl's feet to see if it's dirty. Like this is a big thing for you. You care. You care

Yeah, I've never looked at a different phases of dirt on the feet Give you a signal Like what do you mean? Let's say the heel and like a toe is dirty. She's okay. She's just She just took the slipper off and went downstairs to get the mail Then there's like a little dirtier on the heel And that means she walked to your house. Maybe they have sex with here. So that should turn you on right there like She's bleeding from a piece of glass or something. You're like, that's my girl. You know what I'm saying? That's I

Think there's a point where you see a woman and her feet are just black. That's just a filthy bitch And if her feet are like that, what does her ass smell like? You gotta ask yourself You gotta ask yourself. I saw her grow up to playground playing with a kid with filthy feet And that's what I thought I was That's the first thing I think of her feet looked that bad. What does her ass smell like understand me? I Stay there. That's 20,000. You know what I'm saying? Did I

Say that you passed out. Did I pass out? Did I pass out? Those are the magic words That's a hundred thousand dollars right there Plus you're on testosterone. You almost had a heart attack We'll get you another 50 grand under the alex rotrigus syndrome. I don't fuck around. I know how to work with these Jews I know the language the psychological effects of suing somebody There's a lot of things you should have just fell through and stayed there and not said a word let the audience go Joey turn around. I know they turned around It's true somewhere you would have made eye contact like

Gave her a little look gave her the wig every up calling ambulance. That's 1800 dollars, right? So what you want to do is get your bills up so when you go to get paid It's 10 times the amount sometimes that instead of the amount. There's less. Yeah, listen these podcasts Aren't all about humor and entertainment. It's about learning you guys about learning shit. Okay a day-to-day operations Discovery's gonna come out and say this is how you sue somebody. Okay This is how you make money. So he falls. He stays there Okay, the bond is tremendous because he's gonna look at me. Give me the eye And also I'm gonna go hurry up calling ambulance call a specialist. He stopped breathing call an asian call a hindu

Because if a hindu an asian show up, that's 10 20 g's like So one of the little hindu runs in what is the problem with a little chinese guy? That's 20 g's plus the ambulance. That's 38. We already made four grand for the night. You understand me? I'm always thinking right so now We put them up on the ambulance as we're putting them up. I push Lee Why don't you push him? Why do I get pushed? Because trust me just shut your fucking mouth and work I push you on top of arie on top of this front. No. Why did you push him on top of me? Because we're all getting sued here. Well, I'm trying to get paid, but I'm already getting some. What do I have to leave on me?

That's 10,000 the body 10,000 20,000 30,000. All right. That's 60,000 the table's another three We'll cut a finger off. Who gives a fuck? You're a comic That's another 17 gram right there We put you in the hospital. We'll visit you. We'll bring you edibles every once in a year. All right every four days You get up and you go where's here? Listen when we bring him in front of the judge It's paid day long one of those neck braces. Oh a neck brace for the neck brace, you know I'm saying

An ear brace of the window movie is I'll get you paid through three Jews smiling the whole time Like a bunch of recruits we're fucking fucked up people that are like like like the attorneys like listen I'm getting a payday today. Just call them bring them in ringers bring an audience bring a bunch of people Oh My god, oh my god the judge could give him fucking 80 million and the ice house is yours And right there's where Lee takes the neck brace. Well, fuck this I'm going to eat some pussy and get a sore throat

You can't eat pussy during the whole process. No because you have the neck brace on Unless you get skinny shoulders. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, don't Yeah, I lose weight around your neck. You gotta get like a lizard tongue. It's got to be precise like It's got to roll out like a carpet and hit the clip Ah That's what I would do if I got 10 million dollars I got like an eight inch tongue That just comes on hits her pussy like like the whip and glory remember when they beat up benzel and glory

Bah, bah, bah. What's that 12 years of slave remember? I'll beat that pussy up The chicks walking home this shit Mama what the fuck I went to joey's house. He ate my pussy with this black whip Ha ha ha ha Think about it somebody fucking came to your house tomorrow And said we're giving you 10 million dollars and they gave it to you and you closed the door and went to the kitchen

What's the first fucking thing you would do? Yeah, you buy your mama house, but you tell don't tell nobody I'm gonna disappear for a few days I'm going to mexico to get an operation and shit. You know what I'm saying? What would you because don't do anything in mexico? You go to mexico and go look I want a 12 inch dick I'm very far ahead big motherfucker. I want to fuck people with my head And then I want to move it and eat their ass like just eat it and hold it over here and hit them in the ass They'll do it in mexico

But what is it just hanging out the rest of the day just like soft under no you put under your hat It's mexico don't make it you peel it back you brush it back And you put a hat on and you're fucking a regular guy Then you go to the bar and you talk to her and then at one point when things are going bad I don't know if I like you you take the hat or The dick comes out and you're like who's better than me wait wait I got a dick on my fucking head you could do i'm just saying do you get a set of balls too? Listen, I don't fucking know the particulars

I'm not I'm not looking to get a pressure. I'm just looking to fuck up and eat a rash at the same time and whatever It look ridiculous whether without balls. Who cares what it looks like you got a forehead with a dick What is tms? Who gives a fuck they come up to you? How'd you get it that went to mexico? That's what that's the point of the fucking story Lee not you can do anything in mexico You're looking for the structure and the the specifics of the magnitude. I don't fucking know We gotta know these don't decide when you're but if they were jubi balls and then you couldn't see after a while You'd be like a girl with bangs All of a sudden you look like a beetle only with fucking balls on your foot. Yeah

Get it together. Who cares small balls. Let's say you want a dick under your armpit. You go to mexico Oh, that's the worst people like how do you know joey? What I have a friend that went to get the lap band and he says 30 000 dollars What he paid four thousand dollars in mexico and they had him out of there in 10 minutes no drama No bullshit. I don't think that's something you want to get cheaply I think surgery is something you should pay full price for uh, I know but they got these mexican students that are brilliant They've been in school for like six weeks. They want to practice They want to fuck in practice. How much can you sit there in the classroom? Yeah, I got it. I got it

I Had a friend saline she had the kid the liver And they they they call i'm telling you man. They called me on a Wednesday said she was dying That they were going to read her rights at some time today because her liver and the kidneys were shutting down And then something happened. She's she's you know, she drank bro And then something happened and she's a mexican girl from texas Then like thursday said she was getting better. She didn't die And then friday said they were gonna put on the list and give her a new liver

But then friday at like five. I got a call from my sister said fuck that shit They wanted to stay sober for a year and not do shit. Fuck it. We're taking this motherfucker to mexico They took the intravenous bottle. I packed that bitch up in a van and they went south. You understand me They got down a saturday the liver was ready by seven o'clock. They had some guy in the back On ice really like he was fucking unconscious and drunk. They were just ready They were just waiting for the gift so they could stab me kill him And give him the liver fresh no fucking around Then do no blood tests to see if there was a match

The guy was from nicaragua. Who cares he's she's alive. She's a mexican with a nicaragua and fucking liver She's alive. She's alive and kicking. She drank that night. She had a drink right in the room After they put the liver in they test the goods Why fuck around it's mexico, you know what i'm saying? Like if you get an operation here, you have to wait six weeks and sit at home with bandages You get that dick in your forehead on a friday morning By saturday you're in orange county, you know what i'm saying? Sporting a new fucking hat jack

What's up the flying jew what's happening my little brother Nothing, i'm just trying to imagine how you would like open up. Oh, please But is it like first date thing or is it even a date? This is gonna keep him awake for three fucking days On friday, he's gonna call me like a ten national court. I'm not that high You're fucking high, but you know i am I know you are okay. How are you doing brother? Are you high? Yeah, what is that thing? That's a cheapo chew, but it was a different one

It's the one to fucking make me tear up Before you take it, it's always like the least one and then after you take it. It's the strongest one they make It's not there's no more there's something going on. There's no more chiba chews They shut the factory down. They're too much behind. What are you what? So a bunch of people walking around shaking And they don't have no deckers left and they got no green hornets, but they have the 70 milligrams at stores Sativa's in the end because I gotta eat like eight of them, but

I'm just not in the fucking mood anymore the green hornets a lot the green hornets like 270 Yeah, 270, but I think it's like mixed combined. Yeah, listen. All I know is I like these people You know, we'll get you ever meet people that always like oh my god. No because I did listen It's like in the 80s. I do blow when there was always this jackpot that showed up Hold on. Let me look at the cocaine. Let me test it in alcohol. Let me burn it with a torch It's 82% who gives a fuck. This is the tester. Put it in your fucking nose If it goes in easy and your dick works, it's tremendous. That's what it's supposed to do All this drama to do a line of coke nothing bothers me more than people that I remember the eight

You could snort a line of coke off a girl's asshole. No, no, no, no So, no, no, we're not gonna do that no more get a little job We're gonna put baking soda in there and shake it up and get a rock Then you need a silk sock because if you don't have a silk sock, it's not gonna work And that's got to sit there for an hour for the rock to get hard. Then you could smoke it. What? What cut that fucking rock up and shut your fucking mouth? You're gonna put my coke rocking water. What if it don't come back? I'll fucking kill you. You understand me That coke rock don't come back if your magic powers don't work tonight

That was my last 40 dollars. I will beat you till they fucking come back So before we avoid the whole thing, you want to put your coke in that water and take a chance Go ahead me. I'm snorting this motherfucker You got emotional about that shit You're getting worked up over certain things. It matters. I don't like that shit. Just fucking smoke. Just do it How god wanted you to do it heroin you shoot it in your arm. That's it. No, and then you can tell I gotta go and do a bridge I don't need that shit. Just get a fucking rock and snort it

When I was in israeli you have to sell your electronics before you go home because you can like double your price Even though if you use it for a year because I have such crazy taxes. So I was taking my uh, sony walkman the sport And I was uh, taking around to the to the uh market and asked people if they wanted to buy it This one guy was like I told him his waterproof and he's like, I'll put it in this pickle juice right now. We'll test it I was like, but then it's gonna smell like pickle juice And he goes like, wasn't you are you scared? I'm like, no, but if it still works when it comes out of there, you have to buy it And he was like, no, no So I got a falafel

I Did you have that same inspiration you went to israeli? I never I didn't know we had to sell our electronics Yeah, you can sell your electronics, man. Come on. How many electronics can you buy there? They had a subway they in in Jerusalem and they didn't realize they opened up a subway a subway restaurant And they didn't know about certain things about israel and they had those the first place that it cups so you can refill your yourself And man people save those for like six months They would pass them off to each other before they were leaving like, no, don't pay here use mine They sold four barges in a year. Yeah, yeah, your kid shot it with a BB gun has got a hole in it

There's tape in there tape on this shit Remember the first time you realized you got a refill for free you lost your fucking mind What? You went up to 82 fucking times. You didn't give a fuck Sugar cancel i'm drinking this shit Yeah, ice bream. What's in it? Don't drink the diet soda. It's got ispertine in it. Whatever. Aspartame Who gives a fuck? How pissed off do you get? Okay, I drink too much diet coke

But how pissed off do you get when you go to a place and they bring you either a can or they charge you secretly for the refill? Asians, I won't go to all these Asians. They do that shit. Here's your can of coke. You know what I wanted You know, I didn't want a can of coke You know, it's sad when you drink four cans of coke and you pay like eight dollars for those. Yeah And when you fucking sign the bill, you're like, I'm a fucking moron. Yeah Just pay for eight dollars. I could buy the fucking half the factory My teeth could be purple and I don't need this shit I had an asian place charge more if you didn't want ice cost you 25 cents more. What? Yeah

Oh I would have got the ice and like poured it out in front of the you wouldn't have no, I wouldn't have no sounds good I get fucking pissed off at dumb shit like that. But what do you do? We're not those business owners Yeah, you can't make them. We don't know if they're close to a school and every three minutes some kid comes and hi Can you fill this up with ice? You know the first three days you're okay After about a month you're like kids just saying 25 cents. Yeah, you know, so we don't know what they go through But you know when people are robbing you

Yeah, the one thing I won't do and it's like a line on a cross when I get a water cup. I don't like steel soda Oh, no, you're missing out. No You gotta make one trip for water just because they might be watching you and then from then on you're drinking a very minimum sprite at very minimum First off when you fucking go to a restaurant, you're making give me a cup of water. No, I don't that's what I just said How about I fucking stab you you do that shit around me. I saw that listen to me his restaurant He means McDonald's I swear to god I fucking swear to god. There's a bagel place on fairfax and sunset

And when I went to the knee doctor, I go there on purpose because I can't stand the griddle So I sit at that bagel place and I eat a big a bagel hoping that a missile hits the griddle And the people standing online while I'm fucking sitting there. You understand me? Seriously in my heart. I want to hate the griddle. I hate the griddle because people stand online for eggs Yeah, you understand me I can see you sound like for a lobster tail for an hour You know, they rub it with something they catch it from a river where there's no cancer or something But for you to stand online for fucking eggs and potatoes Do I smack you now?

Or do I smack you later? Are you really that fucking cool? Really? What's the difference? Where'd they get their fucking eggs from? Where where better astro burger? They have a great breakfast and they got a great breakfast You're eating next to a bum in a pimp. Yeah, two nine. I you're always having potatoes or just getting off work So I went to this fucking place this bagel place. I walk in and who do I got in front of me? Chad and fucking his assistant chuck with plaid shirts with a bmw five series With two girlfriends that are wackadoos they go to some place when I was I'm walking and they walk out

These two fucking morons get two bagels and they make the Spanish women going back and get fucking cups for a cup of water Meanwhile they drive on a fucking five series car and they got the two fucking free water pay a dollar for the water You know make this bull lady go on the back get a five series bmw and you're drinking water Should I fucking smack you now motherfucker? It's a fucking bagel. You're gonna be thirsty Drink some I get a I get insulted. That's cheap shit right there It's a dollar and a quarter. You're driving a five series or you're living off a credit card. What is it? So I get pissed off. So it took like 20 minutes to get the fucking water

So once they leave I looked at the lady and I looked at it in the eye. I go, don't you hate motherfuckers like that? She goes down me about it And then they don't tip yet She goes they drink water and they don't tip you and then within two minutes That fucking two little witches that they were dating came back with four of these ice coffees Like they were trying to be cool with the fucking starbucks coffee and I felt like putting them through the wall Those days are over. You get mad, huh? You should hear ds when he calls me. He won't be talking. He was like, yeah, the Yankees are having problems

But he gets all of a sudden in traffic out of nowhere. He just gets super road rage So like the Yankees are they're gonna be okay. Just go just fucking go It's it's but it's not just go it's he tells him what he should be doing Make the left turn if you're gonna do it You're gonna do it just fucking do it. I can't believe it. I don't know what these people learn how to drive I'm trying to help them out. How are you gonna stop there? The worst The worst is when they stop and there's two people on the corner and they could go and they wait for the light

Now they gotta wait for the people to cross the fucking street Go What the fuck are you waiting for? I don't give a fuck about that rights Go Fuck them go There ain't no fucking cops go So they wait now I gotta wait for these motherfuckers 16 run across that fucking street you motherfucker when I came from Cuba, New York, there was no hand

there was no You had a fucking run across that fucking street if not people would hit you on fucking Broadway Now there's a clock there's a fucking thing you have far as fuck you Run motherfucker. You got 18 cars trying to make a right and you want to church with your Nothing burns me up on that shit when I'm driving go You're a traffic the HOV lane is open. There ain't no cops. Fuck it. Take a chance Get that motherfucker. You're gonna sit there. I go in and out and cut people off And then I'll see like three vans. I'll fucking get back in that HOV lane

I'll do like fucking 16 miles and I fucking go back If it's nighttime, fuck you. I get that motherfucker like a doctor and I put my hand up I don't give a fuck What do you think I fly to lax at four in the morning? Because I get on that HOV lane. I don't give a fuck I bet one night a cop went by man the motorcycle. I was scared the whole time And like who gives a fuck it's four in the morning. I commend you you smart motherfucker He's fucking saps waiting in traffic when there's no cops get in there. Who gives a buck?

250 you go down there you get an extension you get another extension Then you pay him $9 a month to sweat him out Have you ever driven him anywhere? What have you ever driven him? Oh, please. He knows yeah, because he expects you to drive like that. Oh, this fucking guy gets behind a bus because he's scared He sees the bus he gets right behind the bus because I'm get the fuck away from the bus I don't want to see a bus in my fucking route. You understand me. I'm looking for the bus two blocks down I'm fucking blind. But when I get in the car, I got binoculars with the fucking light I can see if there's a fucking bum a fucking bus anything get over get over you fuck

Get over what the fuck and then the people in front of you. They're looking behind you. So I help them go go You got mad I get pissed off Because they're wasting our fucking time then you drive down. Why would you have an expensive car? To drive in the left-hand lane and do 60 if you got the balls and the fucking to buy an expensive car do 90 Or get a Prius and save the world And save the world and hang out with your friends and and Los Feliz and you know, oh my god We have to do something about the alligators

You know do that shit Fuck you and your Prius doing fucking 55 and an 80 That left lane is 80. That means go if you ain't doing 80 get the fuck over Get the fuck over. Yeah, mexican 85. Hey, oh the mexicans are worth and the more furniture they got The fucking more the lane they go they got a building on top of that Doing 35 boards are flying off a fucking help You see him flipping down the 405 grandma's doing 35 waving at people vote for me I got my card last thursday

Amazing they getting a deep deep left lane And they fucking like oh we moved with big shots. Let's get in the left lane. Fuck it. We got insurance If you flash them they're going even slower. Oh, it's and they got mad at you people don't know about flashing here flashing means The nice way get out of the way You're slowing me to fuck down. I got things to do. I gotta take this shit. I gotta get to the drug dealer's house My kid's on fire. You know what I'm saying? My wife is horny. I got the cat choking on a fucking bone That's what that means. Get the fuck over. You want to listen to motley crew? Whatever get the fuck over

I need a pen and hand. Give me. I'm dr. Field Lee I love lee I clock lee one day what it took lee fucking 40 minutes to get from Cold water to like Lancashire. Oh, wait when we look to the test. You understand me first of all 40 fucking minutes ladies and gentlemen take me 40 minutes 40 minutes He's on the slug and this guy if they're doing 10 miles an hour. That's the street. He gets on magnolia Let me get on magnolia with all these republicans doing that Uh, look at look at my Prius. I'm gonna I'm gonna save the tree. Get on fucking channel. Look how fucked up

The fuck you doing on magnolia And then you're cut down Tell these motherfuckers what happened three weeks ago on a monday morning when I saw the cops Fucking get an accent on a monday morning. Ain't the morning when I was high la police department. We're high as fuck Yeah, he gets you so high then he expects you to operate at a normal level No, I was driving in my car and when he when he's the cop when he's driving He slows down a little bit. He was in my car Rolled down the window and started

And like in like heckling the cops you stupid motherfuckers Why don't you move the car over a motherfucker? I love the police in la But when something big is going down The police parked the car correctly When it's a homeless guy Or something pedestrian gets hit by a bicycle Or some lady falls off the stoop. They park sideways Like it's the end of the fucking world

Okay, you want to be a dummy. That's fine. But now it's eight in the morning on a monday morning Two of them parking sideways On fucking in the middle lane on on kawanga ways. Yeah on kawanga really at 8 30 in the morning How about I fucking become that dude that gets the camera? And takes pictures of cops parking and then sends them to that fucking guy in new york That was a member on 60 minutes. He was taking pictures of parking meters women eating fucking that hot dogs I know parking zone. You shouldn't be parking here. You shouldn't be parking. You're working Fuck you and he send the tapes and people get fired tremendous

Half these cops that get fired. It's 8 30 in the morning on a monday morning Why are you double parked on kawanga to one fucking lane? So i'm sitting there with fucking 10 miles an hour boy Because there's a left hand lane. Listen just because it starts down there Don't mean you can't get in it now. You understand me that lane that turns left if there's a lot Look get the fuck out of that fucking lane He don't want to go because the cops are 10 miles away talking to some kid who fell off his fucking little bicycle Right and so something fucking happened that could have been taken care of with a dollar bill here kid get up his two dollars Go get a fucking ice cream your helmet's gonna be fine

Yeah, i'll give you a five for the fucking helmet. No these cops are out there They got a bunch of and I start yelling fucking move the car cock suckers, right? Get out of the way Lee was red. I'm like move the car cock suckers. What the fuck is wrong? They're looking around Like there were super cops. Where is it? They couldn't figure it out. I'm no fucking mentally quiz. I can't throw my voice I was right in front. I was 30 yards from the man. You do that. You can't you do the opposite of throwing the voice You're like like people can find you when you talk That's the opposite of that. You're not gonna fucking find me, right?

First you got me high and we're going to breakfast so i'm pretty excited and then you started yelling at these cops when the traffic wasn't moving What the cops do that's the first job they learn to make traffic move, right? Yeah How can you forget the fucking basic fundamentals? Of being a police officer, which is making traffic fucking move So you got three guys filing the report. What happened to the one guy out there? Yeah, you understand me people. I don't get mad because of stupidity. Yes, I do Fuck how much longer these are the people we're supposed to get examples from Not the people that whistle

What the fuck is this guy double parking for if he double parks and all of us get fucking double park We got enough listen and our key. You know how you know you're old You know how you know you're old how when you don't move you don't leave the house because you don't want to lose your parking spot And that's how I live. I don't take my fucking car that parking spot in front of the house belongs to me and nobody else You know The angriest i've seen you is and first of all it's not marked It's just in front of his house And there's like this gay couple of people who don't live on the street park there

When you're turning around and looking for the spots you're yelling for the entire time Hold on. There might be gay people. I don't want them to think that I get mad because they're gay. They're not gay They're transgenders in construction the one guy They are in construction. They're under construction. I'm not trying to be cute. The one guy hasn't gotten to check yet He has the wig. He's angry The state won't give me my money But the other guy got the money from his grandfather died

So he's got the tits like he's taking the shots the tits are coming out. He let his hair grow the cheekbones are out What's his what's his name big mic right big mic in the daytime. He's big mic at night. He's monica So if I see right now, I'm like big mic. It's monica to you. Okay, whatever. Fuck me. You know what I'm saying I'm the wrong one. Fucking big mic. You should paint the curb. Huh? You should paint the curb. Yeah, when he paints it they're handicapped. They're under construction Oh, really? I swear to god. I got a handicap sticker in front of the house That's why because when the construction shit might happen Because they're having

Because they're having vaginal reconstructive surgery, whatever it is The guy hasn't started on the pussy yet. He's waiting on the date. He's got a date set for February construction never moves on time Listen to me They're always falling behind You don't know what life is until a man is talking to you about cutting his dick off and putting a pussy in there That's when you know you've reached how much of a man you really are You go upstairs. You don't even jerk off for a week. You just look at your dick You rub it and shit. You give it love again. You're like, man

This motherfucker's fucked up. He's gonna get rid of you just like that. Are you gonna are you gonna look at it when it's finished? Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna knock on his door and look at it. Fucking leave That's your job. Fuck sucker. I'm gonna bring it over. I'm gonna make you sniff it after the chick farts on your mouth the leftover What are they just talking? Is it just talking? No, right now they're talking it. Where you going? This is gonna get good. You know what I mean through the middle. So they push it. What are you going with those legs? Look at you fucking savage You fucking savage you look at you you get somebody in a fucking arm bar. It's all over for that

That shoulder's gonna smell like monkey for a year. You know what I'm saying? Hahaha I still got it. You're not the ice house on a Wednesday night This turned out to be an all right podcast your motherfuckers. You see what I'm saying? Aren't you happy? It's Wednesday night you guys we're living our lives. We're going out. We're not staying home watching lost Whatever's on now Oh my god, I watched this documentary on netflix last night What's about this guy in north hollywood was taking his dick off and

He went out under construction at night At first they both put on wigs and they wouldn't talk to me Like they would talk to me when they were men in the daytime What I would see him going out at night. They were getting the car and just drive away. Why don't want flowers One would put the blonde wig on And then one day I just broke the ice on my guys. What am I fucking 10? You don't think I know what you fucking saps are doing. It's all right. I don't give a fuck Talk to me. Let me know and then they told me they broke it down and one guy got the money and he's gonna go to

Colorado you have to set a date to cut your dick off And put a vagina. Oh, I hope so you got to go to like a doctor for a year And talk to them. It's it's fucking they just don't let you do that So they put a lot of paperwork and shit when people died. Do they leave their vaginas? I fucking don't know. I haven't looked it up. You know what I'm saying? I haven't I haven't googled taking your dick out and putting a vagina in Recently Let me tell you something. There's nothing better than getting stoned with a bunch of family and just talking shit Yeah, this is a fucking comedy out in 10 years and 10 years you guys are gonna go. Oh my god

This guy listen to this. There's gonna be three fat fucks talking about fucking Uh Wait, wait, how did I get lumped in? Three fat fucks. Uh, all right I was talking about lily. Lisa's skinny guy. You ain't too much candy. How do you eat candy? It pisses me off whenever you post pictures of it. I'm like god damn it. It's easily you just you just barf after How do you do with the fingers? Yeah, the fingers toothbrush, whatever Take care of business

No, I don't know I got a high metabolism And it's not just for me. It's just the candy with you. It's candy and then wheat all day long just wheat I'm aware of what happened. I'm just saying it's not fair that you that you get to do it Why not is it fair? Why not fuck nature's nature? You might have a two foot dick And he's walking around with three inches and he don't know you're packing heat like a savage And you're mad because you know, you know, you can't eat each other I can't eat candy, but I got a two foot dick. Who gives a fuck You know i'm saying you like the fucking you know my ears my ears stick out more than yours

Yeah, get it together. So you got smart some brains. Who gives a fuck if you can eat candy I got that going for candies over here. Thanks. You know, you're at the dentist giving him 800 every three fucking months Not all candy. You know how much fucking the dentist cost you don't have insurance You taught me that you can actually bargain with him. This is what he always did you were like, listen If it's a thousand bucks because it's so overpriced so that you like listen Well, I'm never gonna be able to afford that but I have 475 dollars. Do you want to just do it? And then it's up to them, right? No, no, no, no with the Simone's brother But Simone's brother was from Philly. He knew the game. Yeah

People in Beverly Hills don't want to bother you gotta find like an Armenian when they're they do good work All right, let's take it to a back like we're fucking Have you ever been scammed? I went on dentistry. Yeah What? I don't know. I went to one as a kid That was always nice and then I went to one before I moved out here and like, yeah You have 27 cavities and I let them do half of it and I was like I've never had a cavity before in my life and I went back to my old one and like you don't have any cavities

I'm like, I sat through like two hours of being drilled For nothing and then I went to their yelp page and everyone said that that's why I should go to yelp more I First of all, when you're picking a dentist, you gotta give a recommendation you fucking mo mo So you have to call one of your friends and go, hey, do you have a dentist and go? I just moved here, but I have a friend who's lived and he's got fucked up teeth Maybe he went to a dentist and you call him up. He goes. Yeah, I know this fucking guy Mr. Swahili

Up in studio city and you're fucking, you know, you don't get a dentist or a doctor from the yellow pages You get him preferred. Hey, Ari You had to bum me when you went for your knee. Who'd you go to doctor fucking so-and-so now I go to doctor so-and-so Yeah What the fuck is wrong with you? I want you to get my fucking driving behind a bus You're getting a dentist out of yellow pages. You understand me. What's next? She's a call that service with the lady. Ah 100 dentists. I'm scared of dentists. Who should I go to?

Pee pee pee. They got like three dentists with like fucking crossbones and skulls and shit Fucking a guy with a thing and a stick going through his head You don't fucking know these people either. They make millions offers for fucking referral. Oh, shit Get the fuck out of you call somebody that you that's nice. There's a lot of shitty dentists You're not going to go ask the fucking meth mouth Hey, who's your dentist? Yeah You gotta ask somebody who's gotten nice. How you doing my love everything. All right

I can wait for you guys to get back here. You fucking sexy savages. Look at you I love it on a wednesday night. You're out. Fuck it Sexy what look at them Lee. What the fuck you looking at me for? Look at them you fuck That's why i'm pointing them out That one's all you. Get out there talk to her. Tell her who you with Who am I with? You're telling me you're a director from israel. That's the line That's the line we invented years ago for you. That's

That's your cover. I'm a director from israel the plane went down That was way before the flying jew and we went to places. He's like tell them you're the director from israel And I'd be like, yeah, he like do an accent and tell them you're from israel and why not? You're funded by the jewish mafia and you did 18 movies. Who gives a fuck. They don't know it's an 18 movies Who gives a what they're gonna ask you what movies have you done? I did a movie where a young jewish boy falls in love with a palestinian woman People do it all the time. It was so a so out there Listen, do you know the damage you could do with $10,000 in la if you were a real scuzzy, man

You could grease your hair and get like fucking cuban zirconians and Put them on your hands have a bunch of coke never go to it. Just show it every once in a while Get like a get like a jew bankroll Get like 200 and get like a thousand singles and put it around Buy you a drink. I own a studio and get business cards. You can rent a room at the standard off of fucking Expedia right for 49 95 And you can tell bitches I live in the standard. I'm a hollywood pimp. I'm a director from israel. What do they know? Really? Can you get me the movie? Yeah speaking to the mic

You know It happens all the time Then a week later. She's you know, she's on a podcast. I got scanned by Some guy he told me he was a director. He was really a cook and Had poop on the pep wherever he went to dinner over there Booker the pep was the name of the place. Oh, okay. Yeah, vuker the pepo He told me he was a director. I sucked his dick That guy from santa barba should have called you for some advice on how to get girls and

I Have said some tasteless jokes of my day But that is fucking tasteless They shouldn't have called you for advice. I don't have no fucking advice for that fucking. Oh that guy from santa barba Miserable club There you go. Yeah another college graduate I hear from This scares me two jews. He says the only reason he killed them was because they couldn't get girls Right, I know because he never bought a grandma blow

That's why the advice he killed a bunch of people because he all he needed was some folk and go out to a club and and do this I'm the ugliest motherfucker alive when I was for 30 years At two in the morning. I would look at a woman straight and I go look I hear this I'm gonna go back to my house. I got an eight ball of coke. I'm gonna do two lines I'm gonna put a coke wrap in your pussy and a tic tac in your asshole And we're going to work and women would just look at you like And let me tell you something either they went home where you didn't did it or they never talked to you again

You took a chance But you just ended it right there I'm no fucking, you know rico ricardo But I could lure a bitch back with a grandma blow I could do damage with a half a gram and three aspirins. I'd fuck your world up I gave a ton of women aspirin in my day. You think I'm fucking around. I I wasn't giving you the real coke Do you suck my dick or why saw your naked? Uh, uh, that's shit's expensive. So you just cut up aspirin. I gave you aspirin and shit Oh, that shit's good. Yeah

Show me that fucking monkey and I'll give you the good stuff I'm one stage put the bikini on then you give them the good. Oh my god, my head's gonna explode I can't feel my tongue shoveled up my ass there And there you go nobody gets shot, you know what I'm saying just some chick has bad breath for a week Nobody gets shot If you can't get pussy with coke shoot yourself If you can't put a bow if a woman got even if she's never done it before Like I'm telling y'all put in your pussy or numb your clit out. Then I'm a machine gunner

And I'm just what are you talking about trust me? I Look at Ari's face. He's like, what are you talking about? I've never been into the coke world. No, it's fucking crazy that You know, if you can't pick up a woman in Hollywood, you get fucking blow to the standard somebody will lick your nuts Somebody Jeff Richards almost almost said I want to start just having coke around so I can get girls I know and he goes wait it cost me like five grand a week. That's it. This one is doing well And I'm like you ask for the answer you can enable and you don't take them back till fucking three Let them do somebody else's blow now that guy runs out

You show up at 230 with a story in a bottle of fucking booze. What captain white man What what what? You understand me. That's a patois. Why are you gonna compete against old guys all night and be thrown out 20s? Let them hit them with bad breath and terrible stories And the girl's like these fucking guys and you show up. What's going on? What you're looking for blow shit. I live in columbia But I went to vegas you told me to like go to sleep early and wake up at four in the morning And just wait in the cafeteria for them to come back. Why why are you out dancing making believe

Well, your ugly buddies that you're having a good time guys You go to vegas with eight guys. None of you is gonna get laid You're fucking cologne on and you you're fucked up here and you're This is fun by the pool I paid 3 000 for a cabana What are you doing? Why are you being such an amateur? You go to vegas you let your loser friends go out you go to bed at nine In fact take like a valium so you're well rested because you're about to sling major league There

Drink a protein shake take an alpha brain Get a good eight wake up at about 3 45 Drink water brush your teeth wash you put your fucking head do drink the eggs like rocky dick because you're going to war If you're staying at the palms where the young girls stay I'm telling you this is an old man because I've seen this shit and I've reported to the younger guys like you're slipping You're not gonna go out and compete with good-looking guys. Here's the formula So on the palms you wake up you get downstairs about 4 15 and go to that little restaurant where the guitars are And watch the freaks come in there

Depressed they went to vegas with their three homies the two homies got dick. They didn't get dick Now they set the bar drinking a mimosa because they're cool taking pictures to their friends in kansas. Look at me I'm drinking a mimosa at the bomb And and they're all fucked up depressed and there you show up with a bowl of oatmeal and a big dick What happened? Oh my god, I lost my friends. They're such whores. Oh my god They left me guys. So what's what's going on with you? What are you gonna do? I have a room but I lost my key No problem I got two keys

I got two keys. But again, I'm looking for something. I don't know if you could help me. What? Blow And you're like brother, you just walked into the right neighborhood Let me finish my oatmeal and you don't even have to have coke you could just string them along Yeah, I got a kilo up in the fucking room Ha ha ha Why don't you go to the bathroom and freshen up and when they go you take those little sugars and shit whatever the fuck Guys, there's a war out there. It's like a jungle sometimes

You got to use your advantage to wait that they ain't gonna lie to you So what they snort some fucking for breeze and they And they suck it digging they wake up. What was that last night bitch? We're gonna believe it I confused packages and shit I'm just saying why are you gonna go and compete with all these good-looking guys? You get up before they come and drunk their victims Fuck it And then they go right upstairs. I'm telling you I've never done it, but I saw it happen

I sat there one time at the palm before UFC fight. I went to bed early I don't drink I went to bed early and I got up early and I went downstairs and I saw all these freaks coming in And these fucking guys just Picking them up. They weren't hookers either They weren't hookers. Just let's go back to my room and party. Okay, but I tell you I'm from Nebraska Nobody wants to go back to Nebraska Without something to dig they don't give a fuck they want to write a room that you people live in that way You're kind of hip, but if you lived in Nebraska, you went to Vegas. You want to get fucked, right?

I mean we're family, you know in my life You look at me like I'm talking shit. What do you think? What's your uh, I love I what one of my favorite things to do watching Vegas is uh When I used to be waiting for rogan in the hallway From the come out and the girls would come out like still in their their saturday night attire On sunday morning holding their high heels. Oh in the morning. Yeah morning. We're backing out of a room going Hi with a smile on their face and they're turning and seeing me stare at them and they were just everything. Okay, but They're just slunk off

What's your shirt balls pussy and the cross? Yeah That's all you need, you know what I'm saying You walk into a church with this church for the sunday Even the priest will say what is that? Is that a new religion? Yes, it is It's catholicism squared, you know what I'm saying? This is a pussy in a set of nuts motherfucker No, it's just amazing at those casinos whenever I perform at casinos You know, I don't gamble but I walk around, you know, you get stoned you walk around And you see things and you go, oh my god, if I was young what I would do that fucking poor angel

That girl's over there dying for somebody to fucking give us some dicks. He's just waiting for it Ladies protect yourselves, okay Don't go out and leave any fucking openings. Don't get fucked up Go back to your rooms double fucking pad your monkey Don't snort blow It's the weakness and you have a reason to be in his room and that's why he pulled your head because you were doing blow So next time if you just smoke pot, you could smoke it outside So if a guy says you come back to my room, no, let's go outside and smoke the joint. You see what I'm saying ladies

I got daughters. I'm not all that fucking bad cocksuckers Let's go to my room and smoke some pot. That's one of my standard moves And unless she wants to suck it dick, she'll say let's go outside and smoke. I want to get some air Smart one step ahead. She gets to know you she gets to know and then you got to sell it with M&M's See then you got to go. Well, I got some candy in the Follow me you tell a woman you got chocolate upstairs right now. We don't got a way So, um, I know you about an hour. How bad could it be? It's got caramel in there. It's got chocolate And they go up there you got chocolate you turn the tv on right away and hopefully something. Oh my god

It's my favorite movie sit down take your feet off I'll get some room service. What do you want to sell it? Oh my god Fuck christian mingle Fuck christian mingle. What do you want to do? What do you want to do? Go to church go to a farmer's market or a bazaar You'll be on that shit. Okay You deserve better I like how those are the two options It's either this whole elaborate plan with weed and candy

Or christian mingle There's no in between, you know That guy went after girls that were above him. He was kind of fucking stupid He was weak. What girl would want to be with that? Santa barbara. Yeah, then he had a bmw. So he yeah, he thought he had the right tools to pick up a chick He was one of those guys. Well, I have a beamer and you're like, who gives a fuck you're a fucking Try to do a Honda get some coke saying like, yeah, go get the you know Get some coke and show me a $20 bill. I might talk to you

You know what i'm saying like I guarantee that when I saw the bmw I knew he was one of those guys and that's the first thing he sold the woman Well, I have a bmw. He didn't earn it. So does everybody else bitch. What else do you have? He didn't earn it He what he didn't earn it. No, I just gave it to him. He was a fucking college kid that god knows what was on his mind Driving a daddy luck his father knew his parents knew they weren't in denial They weren't like those assholes that we don't know what happened. You knew when he was fucked up You know and what are you gonna do when you're kicking lock him in the fucking room? But how did he get three pistols? These are the questions that you sit there

I know I got pistols, you know, but you sit there and you go, how many of these kids that are fucking college kids? I don't fucking know. Hey, you want to hear something interesting. I know this is really sad and stuff But what the fuck are you gonna drop on me? Well, how can you make that sadder? It's it's well It's not well, maybe it'll be light in your spirits and stuff There's an asian lady over there and she keeps falling asleep So her eyes go from asian to like more asian Where is she? That's my girl. That's my girl. Leave her alone. She's not asian. She's Hawaiian leave her alone

By the way, you gotta fuck with the Hawaiians leave him alone. That could be bj pen sister Next thing you know, you're outside getting hit with pineapples and fucking And fucking palm trees and fucking skateboards and shit Wait, what's on your agenda my little brother? What's happening in your world? I'm super hot right now Yeah, cheap at your kids. Have you ever used j-date? What? No, I've never used j-date. It's the worst Here's the problem with j-date when the posters they make They got to make them register as jews to the to the mind like that's my applause anybody belong to dating services

Tinder does not count There's a hundred people in here one of you is there's definitely some people on okay. Everyone's on okay cupid. No, I'm not on that You can be well you that's because you're a comedian You got to go out at night for people like me who like to stay inside and get scared talking to girls There's some people in here who are on okay cupid or match. I've seen all of you Now you're not scared to talk to girls you're not anymore, but when I was fucking 18, yeah Yeah, you're a fucking pimp dog. It's hard talking to them. You're dating a mexican-spanish woman I know you're pimp. It's great. You're better than you

You love her you eat fucking mexican food. You're learning spanish. No, no, they won't you won't teach me Well, you gotta watch telomundo. I told you already That's how you learn to speak spanish fast on telomundo. So what? All you gotta watch 24 7 that's what you gotta watch. You gotta pick up one word I told you to watch with sports you watch with deportes San Francisco All I remember is that of that one show and they're like So bro gigante

78 That wasn't me. I'm not a saboteur gigante type of motherfucker. I'm a walter micado type of motherfucker. You understand I grew up on the biggest faggot of all time I grew up a fan of walter micado because when you're a kid and you watch walter You can't figure out what the fuck he is and you can't ask your mom like mom. What the fuck am I watching? Comes your mom's like, that's a faggot. No If you were lucky your mom like that's a real faggot right there I don't even know why you're watching that. There's walter with a capon with a thong

Telling you your horrors pieces Amor amor y más amor I Walter micado is a fag Let me tell you something, but I respect them No, not ricotta. His name is walter micado. I am db that bitch He was gay when it wasn't even cool to be gay And he wore a cape and a fucking set of pajamas

And he went out there and broke the horoscope down for you and you watched it. You didn't give a fuck Even if you fucking didn't know what the sign was when people were sitting around like, oh my god the match one What are your scorpio? Oi una cosa grande Like what the fuck are you talking about? You're dropping walter on a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Oh my god, you see you found him He has blonde hair. He has blonde hair. He looks like dora's day

He looks like uh, he looks like uh, this guy is the original market thatcher That's why all these guys that get insulted. Wow when somebody makes a gay statement. Walter micado Wow, look at that gold suites word. Walt has been fucking young boys Since 1968 and nobody said nothing. He's 82. Look at that guy. He's 82 And he's still slinging dick. He looks like the fucking joker on television And he's still you know how many people watch this motherfucker looks so much those books He sells holy water. He sells diet products. Look there's a meme about him in spanish. What does that say? What does the top part say? Let me put my glasses on

I don't know Must be good What does that mean? Who knows what that means? Who knows what that means? That means that I see in your future a night of drinking and sucking cock See, how am I gonna figure that out by watching telemundo? I'm never gonna think he just said you're gonna be a whore But no, you learn by one word at a time You learn by one word at a time right now. You're 25 You're past the fucking sponges like my daughter's 16 months

Everything I say in front of her now is going on the computer and eventually one day. She's gonna say That's just the way it is because she's gonna hear it She's gonna sing because it's an actor right now. She's going Beep beep beep beep beep. And I think that's all that fucking retard shit But that shit snaps in about two months So they're sponges and they learn the language right now when you're 25. It's a little harder 25. Yeah. No way How do you think he was a lot older than that He's a 25 year old young man

Wow. He's 52 in Jew years. Look at him. Look at him. Golly. He's 52 in Jew, yeah, that's a young man. Look at him, look at him. He's looking all handsome, he's high, look at him.

Wow. You gotta make him feel old, look at him now. He's already, he's Jewish, he's thinking about life insurance right now. How's he gonna afford that life insurance? He's gonna get there sooner now, right? Oh, look at him, he's bar mitzvah money, he's gotta spend it.

Before the stock options run out, you better get it together, cock sucker. What? You're smoking too much dope, you're looking like you're 32, you know what I'm saying? Don't worry about the Chinese chick falling asleep. She's okay. She's so tired.

It happens, it's Wednesday fucking night, man. I'm passed out to, what do you think I'm doing right now if I wasn't here with you guys on the spot? Oh, sleeping. Stepping up and down right now, I got a double edible in me. Oh. I'm smoking the vaping pen and I'm challenging it

with a fucking coffee. Like I'm like, come on, motherfucker, bring it on. I want the full effect. I want coffee, reefer, and two pot cookies in my system. And I have all these grand plans, like I'm gonna write a novel tonight. And my fucking 10 to 10, I'm on the couch like this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Calling League will leave, we're coming over. No, I'm sleeping. I just tortured him all night. I just keep calling, putting him on the hook. I'm coming over, we're bringing reefer cocksucker. Like I'll call him all night now, what are you doing? You did that in the hoax, you did that in San Jose. I'm fucking high.

He gave me edibles in San Jose, he sent me to my room and then called me with the Feature Act. Butch Eskimoar who showed us this hooker app and he kept calling every 15 minutes. The hooker is 10 minutes away. Ha ha ha ha, like Uber? Any clock, the hooker is. He kept saying, hold on, let me make my bed.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I was high, I didn't want someone coming over. I gotta make my bed, hold on. There's a shit stain in the toilet, don't send her up here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm like, she's a hooker, she'll lick it for 10 bucks. For another five she'll make the bed

at this point in the fucking game. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. There's no hooker, I made my bed for nothing. I gotta make. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I say hooker cat. What the fuck, Harvey?

Who's your ringtone? I gotta, I gotta do it, I gotta. No, sleigh bells. I gotta do an interview in a second with China the Chinese newspaper really yeah Here we go. I think I'm gonna come back. I don't know. We'll see I'm gonna have trouble gonna whip you They remember they whipped that kid the kingdom. Yeah Who did they win so you can't smoke pot for three weeks? Okay, I'm gonna definitely take edibles through the entire way in the plane so like right before we land eat a bunch more

So the first like eight nine hours covered and they'll only have like two and a half weeks left You want to be high somewhere where you can't speak the language? That sounds terrible Making a good point. I Want to get this shoved into those cars in the subway cars, you know that guy shoves you in I'm gonna do that. Just one stop. I want to do that. Don't they have pills now. Okay. Don't they make THC pills? Yeah, I'm not taking them with me. Oh I'm not taking them with me put them over your fucking joint medication for your elbow when you need

You know the ship for your cardiovascular. You put them in there. So if they ask you, you know, what happens? What are you gonna do? I don't know take one Bet you ain't coming to work motherfucker Bruce Lee would have come to work after I give you one of these things There were a hundred milligrams pure no sugar. No nothing. It doesn't hit you right away It hits you like eight nine hours later. Well, like this shit's a fucking beat. I ain't ever taken that Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm all right That's gonna make my bed there's a hooker

You bad motherfucker What can I say my mom raised me right when I'm having a hooker come over Anyway What's the what's the shower curtain falls that means pretty much the bingo game is over Table Old-school bingo table anybody ever played bingo you know no Catholics here. Yeah, but the old ladies You never worked a bingo game when you're a Catholic. That's how I first learned how to make money How to work the bingo games you test that sell some coffee for like I say they order coffee for 30 cents

You charge them 55 and make a quarter Then the old ladies would give you a tip on Sunday nights I know how to work a dog pretzels coffee. If you gave them good luck, they gave you an extra dollar Sometimes you gotta work a bingo game though, you don't work that shit when you're Jewish Well, they do it the Jewish activities center, we don't really make it about money I mean, there's a little weird that you didn't make that about money at all And you guys games do you play at the Jewish basketball? They're juicy play basketball by you. Yeah

They're growing up we all play basketball fucking beastie boys, you know, yeah That's what it was all about That's the beastie boys the ones that are still alive Fucking no, I'm just saying you guys like to be he was a different type of juke I was orthodox so you guys like the different black dudes at Lawrence Fishburne play right You're the black dude and I turn it and you're the Jew and see so you're both you see see what I'm saying about He took two characters and play them completely different that were the same So next time you see King on the York on I think it comes on Sundance watch it for your uncle Joey

There's some good fucking scenes in that movie. It's not Academy award-winner. It's fucking pretty good. What channel? Sundance your place. Oh son dancing. He said Sunday's Yeah, there's a Sunday's channel. It's Sundance Sunday's channel is his only thing to do with Sunday Christopher walking comes out of jail He has these black bandits couple Puerto Ricans. Yeah, the fucking opening scene is tremendous Lawrence Fishburne and what's the guy from Boy Walk and Pie? See Buscemi. They're in a room The Colombian guy and they're fucking busting his balls and Lawrence Fishburne is asking the Colombian for a soda

Where's my motherfucking can of coke? I ain't cutting the motherfucking deal so I get my motherfucking coke and shit and tell your boy to send some ice cubes with that motherfucker and All of a sudden they come in the guy's drinking the coke and the guy goes we make the deal We'll pay you your fucking money and he goes where's the money bitch and Lawrence Fishburne? He was in the suitcase and he opens it up. It's a bunch of tampons He goes what the fuck is this to plug your holes motherfucker? And him and Buscemi you shoot the fucking Colombian all that's how the movie starts you understand me. That's a good line Yeah, it's a good line

Because when he probably was packing the tampons he knew what he was gonna do No, he just he just said let's pay him off with tampons because And maybe they need tampons in Colombia and he opens up the fucking suitcase and they fucking shoot him And then they want to take over they want to save a hospital. This is where he gets fucked up Christopher Walker gets out of prison and he wants to buy a hospital in the ghetto and keep it open He's a bad guy. That's a good guy So he hangs out with all these Republicans and he goes to fundraisers, but he's really killing people at night So he goes to this Chinese dude that has like 15 pounds of heroin street value 60 million dollars

And he cuts him a deal at the hospital and the guy goes you're really fucking crazy It's not till this conversation Frank white that you're really fucking crazy So finally he goes to cut the deal with the Chinese guy. They show up to Chinatown with all these black guys They shoot all the Chinese guys and they steal the fucking heroin tremendous. I'm done. I won't tell you no more I'm just getting so into it Let's say the whole thing. It was directed by Ava Ferrara. It was what's it called King of New York Walk to talk King of New York the public enemy sang about it and then Biggie was always talking about Frank white That's who Frank white is Christopher fucking walking in the King of New York. You understand me?

How the fuck don't you know that shit? This is what I'm talking about the youth The youths Frank white, that's who he was fucking talking about Frank white is Christopher walking I gotta tell you motherfuckers everything. It's embarrassing Movies about how to fly how to get through security How to give a chick coke, you know, this is a ten was Wait till my book comes out. You're gonna die. I got how to burn up how to burn the house down how to get rid of the body When are you coming out with a book? I was don't worry about it. All right, what's in the question? I'll stitch the finger back After you cut it off for the insurance. No after you slam it against the door. I don't fucking know right. I'm high the chibo chew finally connected

Just now, huh? Just now no like an hour ago, but I'm fucked up now. You know I'm saying It showed up like an hour ago in conversation here. I should sit with my legs closed. That's disgusting I'm sitting like I own the joint with my legs open. God knows the fumes are coming on. You never know I Took a shower before I came up here tonight. I took I took three showers. I don't fuck around Three showers today. Yeah, I took a shower before the podcast I took a shower after I came back from the wine my balls were on fire They had that extra sweat on the side. That's a little thicker Ha ha ha ha

Look at the glasses. They're getting fucked up. She's memory. It's like that's no some women like oh, yeah I'm dating a fucking cave, man. I like it You can scrape it off. Someone just look at you. They know so as you take that one pant leg off They're all excited. They're like they just look at you like This This isn't happening So I went home and took another shower. Yeah, I had no addition. So I wanted to show up sharp And then before the fucking show I was playing with the baby, you know, she smelled like milk

She took another shower I don't know if the milk that on my neck the fucking hands got avocado on them and shit So I've taken less showers this week than you took today. It's not It's disgusting. I could wash between my toes. I watched my asshole. It's important Plenty of this is next to godliness. You ain't gonna go to heaven for the dirty ass I don't care if you help blind kids if you got a dirty ass They won't let you into heaven. I already got the message. I got a nun who had a dirty ass. He never made it either He's the season the same place with a Malaysian plane is that fucking limbo any questions

I Nothing that's it. Are you for real one questions? What happened? Oh, thank you, brother. I Need these things brother. Thank you. I would have got blame for that somehow what brother I said, I would have got blamed for that. How will you get blame? You're sitting over there your stone to the gills I know that's that's what you'd say Nate. You don't even know what a fuck planet you're on you should be ashamed of yourself I know I told you not to eat that shit. No, I tell him all the time stop eating the edibles You think he listens to me? No, he just never once said that to anybody He gives me a finger up off in his mouth. He's like fuck you and now look at you. I gotta drive home. You're giggling

I'm not sure I'm not that bad. I'll call him in an hour where you at home and I'll tell him right off the bat What do you eat? I stopped and got a subway spicy Italian A 12 inch or a six inch. I was thinking about a 12 inch But I got a six inch and some chips. I got the combo That's only partly true What do you call it the combo? I just I got it that in the chips You're gonna stop a subway tonight. No, I don't know. I'm too hot to stop somewhere. I think what the fuck that's what you're supposed I always get really nervous like when you're when you stop when you're this high

Like tell somebody I It's all right If you go the subway, what kind of sandwich did you get break it down spicy Italian? I like that. I still like doing them, but that's you told me I had like dolphins in it. So yeah, not I know But I found the tooth in there. That's no fucking tuna What it what do you put on the spicy Italian when you go? Lettuce cucumbers and pickles. That's it. Yeah, and and brown mustard

That's not a spicy Italian. That's a disgust. No Italian no mustard and no fucking pickles. All right for tomato for you Lettuce oregano salt pepper sweet peppers and vinegar and oil That sounds messy. That's a spicy fucking Italian the vinegar in the oil spice up the fucking Pepperoni and first of all, it's not really pepperoni. It's a turkey that didn't make it So it turns into a I don't know We can't sell them as a turkey a pepperoni at Subway fucking chop them up everything at Subway's fucking turkey, correct? Am I lying? It's everything a subway. It's turkey tuna turkey roast beef

Turkey fucking tomatoes. Where you going? What happened? Hong Kong and that's it you're leaving cocksucker How's Hong Kong doing? Oh, these could go either way ladies and gentlemen as you saw tonight. We had a good time. We had some jokes and shit tonight What Lee what Lee what Lee What have you seen the ad that they put out for like the steak and hummus? That's always doing I can't wait. I can't wait I need to show you I don't need to show me nothing

I don't I don't want to see pictures of hummus. Subway steak smothered in host Both sides, you know what your stomach feels like in the morning Like you wake up and you think you're gonna have a good day And you take a shower you brush your teeth you put clothes on And then when you get to your car you're starting right there is where you get that kick It's like something kicks you in the stomach, but you're not pregnant. You're like I'm a man. I can't be pregnant And you shut that car off and you run upstairs because you can feel the heat in your leg

Like this shit's gonna come out of your knee it's it's That's what happens if you eat a fucking steak and hummus sandwich The shit will come out of your knee and then you're gonna call me to drive you to the hospital And I'll go over there and run you over with that fucking car and ended already Because I'm not hanging out with somebody where it's a steak and hummus. Well, don't don't worry I love they have a chicken option too. Yeah, all right. Yeah, that's even better Some radioactive fucking chicken from South America With no head and three eyeballs and shit with a fucking dick got in his head that they

That they gave him in fucking Mexico. Okay Stop with that shit. It's funny. I love the veggie and cheese from subway I love it. I'm white. I love it some meat on the sandwich. It's no meat. Just a piece of that cheese that communist cheese And those communist vegetables with vinegar and oil it can't hurt you you will not shit blood when I was uh When I first started in comedy, that's what I eat when you're a poor comic you eat those all the time There was not about 99 12 inch with a bag of chips. They're delicious and nobody gets hurt The tuna fish I've heard stories. Have anybody in this by applause anybody in this room ever get sick on tuna fish How bad is it? I do you want to fucking how bad is it, bro? You don't want to ever fucking smell onion

Fish white bread you just get turned off to it for years. So if you're gonna go to subway I get the veggie and cheese so I went over there last week I got the veggie and cheese and I got the tomato vegetable soup the green chili not bad And it's only six points weight watches. They ain't a bad fucking lunch people While I was there some lady came in and was asking like what's the difference between roast beef and steak? Like she was getting steak from subway But guys she thought she was at fucking arty morn's If you understand me, so she was trying like how good is the stick?

And the lady's like, you know with the missing arms. She's like How good can it be? For 3.99 for a 12 inch and I'm missing my arm how good can it fucking be okay And she was like, well, how good is the steak? Is it really good quality and the girl's looking at her like Are you fucking retarded? But And she's but yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's like, okay, give me three of them Like this lady was like stocking up. She was gonna go home. I got steak motherfucking family And I felt so bad because

Before the grace of god go I Know that gotta go You know, I'm a catholic man. You know what I'm saying? I'm like christian. I'm a catholic big fucking difference. Okay I still sling dick I go to church. I bite the cookie Some people get that some people don't know what I'm talking about Only the catholics get that That was telling not to bite the cookie the body of christ. Fuck it. He's going down

I Bite that motherfucker as soon as I get I'm not fucking This ain't no body's a cookie with no flavor And they took the fat out. That's when they really went downhill church Once they took the Oreo fat out fucking I pass on the cookie. I don't want the cookies Save it. I'll pass this week I'll do this on my own I

Think about this whole situation It's fucked up I think you're fucked. What do you got to do tomorrow anything special? No, not really So what are you gonna put this up? Oh, we're gonna go to san diego. Yeah, that's right. Okay. I don't want I don't want I don't know what I could announce of your schedule. I don't want people to like follow us Like one time I said on the podcast we have an early flight. He's like I don't want people knowing where I am I don't want I fly in and out if you tell people I'm flying out in the morning They're gonna call the dea and go Joe Diaz is flying

Check under his nutsack, right? But if I get on the plane and take a picture of my eyeball And twit it by the time the feds get it. They're like, that's Diaz. He's on a plane Then they got to press Jose Diaz in Don't press Joey Coco Diaz in You press Joey Coco Diaz in your computer blows up But if you press Jose Diaz in that's like john smith And if you're spanish, that's john smith, you know how many john smiths fly a fucking day on american airline

So they're fucked. Well, john smith is going to cleveland. Oh, no There's a john smith going to the Bahamas. Oh, fuck him. He's done Fuck Joey Diaz. He's just got a couple chibos choosing his dick Do you have any more for tomorrow? Are there more tomorrow? What's that chiba chews? There's more every day. The world is your worst elite All you gotta do is say I want to fucking get high. I want to see the devil And he'll be there within 15 minutes, you know that With a tuxedo on and a six pack of beer

All right, there's always chibo chews. They'll never run out of reefer Even after the fucking russians attack us and there's nuclear waste You'll still have chiba chews. Some of you'll have reefer That's good to know You see people see what I gotta deal with all that You think my job is easy. I should be in jail right now, but I control myself Most people would be in prison right now, but I'm a good man. I'm a christian man Not catholic. Fuck those motherfuckers

I love you guys. Thank you very much coming out tonight We'll be outside Lee wants to smoke reefer. No, I don't So if you got marijuana go up to lee he wants to get hired and fuck tonight You