Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Of What's Happening Now Live #13

Episode Date: August 5, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Miss Pat LIVE from the Ice House. Recorded live on 07/30/2014

Speaking of getting high, I want to bring my co-host and little brother up here tonight. He got a half a cookie in him already. Give him some love. My main man is the Lee Syat. You bad motherfucker. What's going on, Lee? Talk to me. I've come in somebody's belly button.

I never fucked anyone in the belly button. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's where it goes. You're a nice... You used to be a nice Christian boy. You know what I'm saying? You never talked about coming in nobody's belly button. You were even scared.

You were scared for a long time. You never came in nobody's belly button. Well, not on purpose. But when you just... When you like pull out, it just goes and then it... All right. So, if it wasn't on purpose, if I know anything about you, you probably turn red and went and got like a wipe it and walked the belly button and said, I'm sorry, or are you supposed

to do a stare? Not sorry, but... You're supposed to stare that motherfucker down and look at her. And then they'll know, you know what I'm saying? But if you're a gentleman, that's what I've always loved about you. But the scariest thing I ever saw once was when you had cookies on the way down to San Diego and you ate an entire pack of gum and just swallowed it while I was high. I told you.

Oh, when I'm fucking stoned, I will go through 19 packs of gum. It was... Listen, every time I go to this liquor store, I ain't got a lot of you people. My favorite fucking gum is chicklets, but my all-time favorite, favorite, is the Mexican border gum. Those four pieces to a package, there's nothing better than those. The red one, the pink one, and the purple one. You put all three packages in your mouth at one time.

That's 12 pieces and just chew that motherfucker down. You people forgot, I went to an Armenian dentist. This cavity right here, this motherfucker's from a dead dude, that the Armenian dentist just took my molar out and put a new one in that motherfucker. Last week, I cut a piece of wood with this motherfucker. You understand? It cost me $150. If you need a tooth, go see an Armenian.

They don't fuck around. When it comes to dentists, these motherfuckers on it to a different level. Different level. Everybody wants $10,000 a fucking tooth, not the Armenian, $150 and a guarantee and a fucking calendar. That's how they fucking roll. When was the last time some motherfucker sent you a calendar? You understand me?

This is a false tooth back here. I fucked this molar up. I cracked it, eating like a gum ball and I fucked it up and I went to the dentist and he wanted $1,500 to replace it. I kid you not, like two weeks before Christmas. I wasn't even close. I didn't even have half of that but I told my wife and she's like, fuck that. I got an Armenian guy in Glendale.

He'll fix that fucking tooth. Slicks lack my goo. I got there at eight. I was out at it by 8.45 with a new tooth and my tire was aligned. You understand me? They don't fuck around Armenians. They go all out for your business and they go with insurance scams. They really are.

If you need fucking cash back, let's say your car hits a motherfucking tree, right? They like, listen, I ain't gonna fuck, listen, one thing about Uncle Joey, I break it down for a motherfucker, all right? About five, six years ago, I was driving on the 101, I was a little stoned. My friend had passed, my husband had passed, my mind was somewhere else. I'll tell you motherfuckers because I'm honest with you. And I backed into this dude. He wasn't mad.

He wasn't gonna fall. He wasn't a Jew. He didn't fall out. I can't see. You know, a good Jew with a fella like, I can't see. I can't see. You know. I'm surprised you didn't do that.

No, but I was the fucking offender. What am I gonna do, sue myself, cop sucker? Why will I sue myself, you fuck? Well, you know, you could. You've been creepy away, but I wasn't in a mood that's bad karma. So I got out of the fucking car, right, guys? And I apologize. He goes, my car's fucked up, so is mine.

Body shop guy comes. Me, I call my wife like a half a fact that I am, and she tells me to call the insurance company. I swear to God, now I'm on 101 by Highland. She tells me to call the insurance company. The insurance company tells me, you gotta take your car away to a thousand fucking oaks. We only pay for the first three miles of insurance, and after that you pay whatever a mile.

My day is ruined. It's 10 in the fucking morning. Fuck you. Fuck you. I heard, and there was a fucking tow truck guy. I didn't know what he was. He could have been Puerto Rican, or he could have been Armenian. I didn't know what he was.

So I get in the car, he's talking to me, and he goes, what body shop do you want? Just like this. He goes, what body shop do you want? I said, well, you know me, Slim, Slam, Magoo. I forgot. I'm a felon. All of a sudden I want to do things right. I'm like, well, American Insurance said to take it to a thousand oaks, Boulevard, and

he just looked at me and he goes, it's not happening, though. He goes, here's the deal. How about I get you 500 cash today? I go, what are you talking about? He goes, I'll get your car fixed, we'll take care of everything, and I'll get you a fin to go home with today. You still want to go to a thousand oaks? So let's go pick up that fucking nickel, you understand me?

I swear to God, he took me to Silver Lake, he took me to a fucking body shop, guys. I ain't going to tell you the name, I don't want to get in trouble. By the time I walked in, they knew who the fuck I was. Mr. Diaz, how are you? I'm sorry, do you have any pain? Can you see? Are you Jewish? No, no, no.

They had pizza, I swear to my mother's grave, I swear to my little baby at the house. This mother had pizza there, they had sandwiches, they had Armenian food, they had hummus, which I was the first time, at least I got, guys, this is a professional place, and the mother fucker's like, what kind of rental car do you want, you want a Cadillac, you want whatever you want, dog. You hooked me up with a rental car on then, within ten minutes, the rental car was there, I gave him my license, did it, ten minutes later, the chick came out of your office, I said, here's the 500 we promised you, pick up your car on fucking Thursday, I've been

doing business with those mother fuckers ever since. All I gotta do is call them, and just go, listen, I hit this fucking tree, bring the car down, don't worry about no money, nothing, sometimes they give me a hundred, just the fucking, bring the car down. One time I called them and said, what happened with the fucking car, I tried to start it and the battery, and I didn't know what he was talking, he was talking about Armenian, and I fucking just went downstairs and charged the battery, the next day there was a knock on my fucking door, 801, 80 fucking one, little dude with a tuxedo on, with a wrench

in one hand, and a motherfucking battery in the other, who does that, GM, suck my dick, you understand me, Detroit is dead, I don't feel so good myself, the fucking Armenian, they got class, mother fucker even showed up with a little McDonald's egg white fucking thing, it was half melted, somebody took the ham out, but it's a principle that fucking counts, 500 up front, that's a real fucking, you know, when I went to see this dentist, this is a joke and all, but it's not really a joke, the other guy wanted 1500 for the tooth, this guy was like, what's your insurance company, watch me go to work bitch, bam, 150, don't worry about nothing, tell all your fucking friends, all right, and that's what

they do, why do you think you see all your Armenians with Lexuses, and you motherfuckers are driving fords with a missing bumper, and they've been here for three years, because they know how to work the fucking system, cock suckers, sometimes you gotta work the system, it's available to you, you guys don't happen to fucking read the fine prints, what's Slim Bamagumi, whatever, you guys let it go twice and I was like, what is Slim Bamagumi, it means suck my dick and call me shorty, I was born in 1940, all right, that's what it means, don't ask questions, look straight, but I swear to God, you know, you gotta look for bargains like that from time to time, but you gotta ask, next time you get hit or

hit somebody, ask the triple A guy, the guy did it to me once, my tire was, I had a, flat tire and they told me and the insurance said like Pep Boys or something like that, one of those big ones, and the guy's like, I could take you there, or my friend for like a hundred bucks got me a tire, and it was a creepy one where they're all piled up outside, and I don't know where they got it from, but it was a hundred bucks instead of like two hundred, and they got you home, and that's all that fucking matters, sometimes you gotta take a chance people, you save 50 bucks, remember, it's like when I was a kid, I'd go to the Bronx and get nickel bags, and my Gentile buddies would always go, you go over there,

you trust those fucking animals, yeah, that's what they do for a living, you dumb motherfucker, they're not gonna beat me, I'm gonna go over there, they're gonna give me the fucking, they're gonna give me a seven joint fucking nickel bag, all right, and they're gonna keep giving it to me, well, you're gonna get robbed, no, because if I get robbed, those motherfuckers are gonna get beat up, because we're the fucking kids with the dough, bringing it into their neighborhood, you understand me, this is not about ha ha's and he he's people, we learn economics, a little history, how to scam the insurance companies, you know what I'm saying, you should bring a pad next time, you know, don't look around and be tweeting me tomorrow, Joey, how

do you like this house on fire, I don't know, I was stoned when I told you that story, you should have, you should have asked at the moment, what the fuck is wrong with you, look at you, you're all giggly, you're looking around, all right, he gave me half of something tonight, that yesterday, less than a quarter of, got me high for eight hours, so if the quarter got you high for eight hours, why would you eat half tonight, that's what I wanted, like I had a choice, you always have a choice, this is America motherfucker, I guess I'm gonna remember that for next, next month, you really eat this, you really eat this green devil I got in my pocket, no, because you got to sacrifice something for the team, you know what I'm saying, I sacrificed something, that was outside,

what happened to this being America, look, fuck America, all right, this is, we're in the ice house, we're in Pasadena, don't count, coming to the stage, where's my girl, Ms. Pat, fuck these motherfuckers what's up Ms. Pat, I'm not high, I can tell you that, you don't get it, and I don't exercise with knee pads either, I suck dick with clean knees, and Lita, the only reason why you are coming in somebody's neighbor, because your penis must be small baby, what is, what's she saying to Lee already, he's talking about he's nothing in somebody's neighbor, that's because that's where small dicks go, the neighbor, I'm sorry, don't ever tell nobody that, Lee is a freak, you do know that, right, yeah, but I've been fucked in the neighborhood because it wouldn't work at the other

place, it's when you pull out, because you don't want to have kids, no Lee, stop eating them fucking cookies, what do picnics go, if small dicks do the belly button, where'd a big like, big dick go all over, fuck is wrong with you, you know that because you're not rocking a big dick, see Joey know that because he rocking a big dick, what if Lee took his pants off, like a three-foot dick, what would you do, one of the two white girls would say go at it, what the fuck would you do if Lee had like a fucking arsenal down there, like on his dick, he had like stretch marks, what do you do when you kill somebody, you know how you put the fucking gauze in your gun, like marks in your gun, that's what he would have on his dick, like for all the chicks he

choked and shit, choked, I'm sorry, choked, choked, choked, people surprise you man, people fucking surprise you sometimes, like sometimes we judge people, sometimes you see a man and you're like oh look at that fucking guy, a little week later a friend of yours will say that dude's got the biggest fucking dick in the world, you know, he used to do porno and you're like what that fucking little guy, yeah his dick is gigantic, didn't you know he'd do porno, no I don't fucking know porno guys, I'm not watching fucking porno guys, you know, have you ever had that experience where you see a motherfucker, I know but I've been fucking since I was 12 and I know when they got picked easy, so the question is have you ever seen a motherfucker that you said uh this guy got a little dicky

brought up and says he had a rope, I would be a nice surprise but no, really, no, you know, he's guessed the size correctly, well I slept with a guy who worked out all the time and I thought he had a nice penis because he had muscles but he had the small, he had a fucking newborn dick so I was like look just, I'll let you finish next week, okay, why did y'all say oh am I'm hitting home out there with the fucking spoil with y'all that was a long time ago, I'm saying now, he had a newborn dick, it was really small and I wasn't feeling anything, all it was doing was fucking with my clitoris so I was like put that shit up, you know, clitoris, what the fuck is he called a thing at the top, I don't know

fuck, Yeah, the hoof, The hoof, The hoof, The hoof, the fuck you been sleeping with that's a line from Goofos ,as he say.. Oh Goofos, look at these little white kids, They gonna go back to the campus, and tell everything, look at them, you all never heard this kind of shit and y'all mansions have you, what's up baby, tell me something good here oh Oh shit, I'm just out here, tired as fuck, hungry, working. Where you wanna go eat tonight? Well, fuck, you wanna go eat, where you wanna go eat at?

What do you want to eat? Lee's on a diet, so we gotta watch everything. Lee's got our thing on his watch that tells him on his phone how many calories he's eating. And the last two weeks, everything is 528 calories. Well, that's what I ate before. What, I had chicken cacciatore, how many calories? 528.

I'm not kidding. Lee turns the watch off at 528. Nah. No. I thought we were cool. Man, said I picked this right up. We had a good afternoon. Well, he looks good.

Well, he looks good. He's getting healthy. I love you, Lee. I love you too, but... Lee's looking good. He's getting healthy. You know, he's back in the gym, doing his fucking thing. Yeah, I wish I can get back into the gym.

Got him outta the house. I'm very happy for that. Sometimes, you know, listen... I hate leaving the house. Listen, man. Who likes leaving the house? You don't like leaving the house. Nobody, there was nobody lazier people than I.

I had a plan when I was 21 and I fucked up. Somewhere I got initiative, somewhere I wanted to get a life. But I loved the idea of waking up doing a bong hit, making two eggs, baking, and sitting there all fucking day. And maybe a five, maybe you hit the bag, you did some push-ups, you washed your pussy, you hit the, you know, you lifted some weights. You had a salad and you stay home and mind your business

every once in a while. Somebody came over to drop a bag of weed on you. Three nights a week, somebody came over and dropped a package on you, a Coke Rock or a Crack Hole, whatever the fuck you're into. But I would stay home, I believe, you know, cause I was on probation a lot when I was a kid. I swear to God, I was on probation for fucking years.

So I knew that the only way to beat probation would be to live a certain fucking way. And it was sun up to sun down. I had to leave by sun up and I had to be home by sun down, or I wouldn't go out at all. In my mind, sometimes I scare myself so I don't go out at night, you know what I'm saying? Anybody else have this type of fear?

Or am I the only fucking retard here? What's the problem? I get scared, so I hate going out. But at fucking 25, I didn't even know what a bed was. Do you understand me? At 25, I was out all fucking night with blow, without blow, sleeping under a fucking rocket ship at a park. When I was 25, I just needed two hours.

And those two hours, I did them anywhere. Anywhere, I would just go, dog, you mind? Yeah, fucking go ahead. Bam, right in the corner, I get up, I had a toothbrush in my pocket. You thought I'd think I'm fucking crazy. I was crazy like that. So I would call at least sometimes, I'm like,

Lee, what'd you do all day? I sat here, watched TV. Lee, you got to get some sun, cocksucker. You got to get out there, walk around. Just a little bit of fucking sun. So now I'm very happy that at least he's getting out there. He leaves the house at three in the afternoon, but he's getting out there.

A little bit of fucking sun, Lee. You know, because I had a blood test about three or four years ago, and the doctor was, you know what you're really bad at? You're deficient in vitamin D. How the fuck are we deficient in vitamin D, living in fucking California? And that's because we're on that fucking computer all

goddamn day, and we sit inside. After he told me that, I was so embarrassed. I'm Cuban. My roots are a fucking island, cocksucker. My roots are a few palm trees, coconut water, and you're fucking dying to death. We think they got in Cuba. They got air conditioning systems.

They got a fucking fan that moves like this and shit. The grandpa has like an old drum set, and he just sits there all fucking day with a thing, and the fan is, eh, eh, eh, eh. They got no fucking air conditioning. Grandpa take a break, and they everybody burn the fuck up. What's up, baby? Grandpa take a break, and they get hot as fuck.

Oh fuck yeah, it's all over. Grandpa take a nap. Everybody nods from the fucking heat. That's crazy. My mom only had one fucking fan, and we wasn't allowed to get cool at all. So instead of sharing the fan, she's like, y'all get the fuck outside and enjoy yourself.

Bitch, there's a hundred degrees out here. Look, if you get the fuck outdoors and turn off the young and the restless, it's hot in this bitch. And my mom was a dirty bitch, too. She would put you out in the summertime and lock the door. And you couldn't come back in to 12 o'clock. She'd feature and put you back out.

I think this child abuse, bitch. Black people don't need no tan. But that's what you do in the ghetto. You don't go on vacation. You go on the front porch and sit to that bitch so your mama unlocks the door. My kids know what a vacation is. I said, y'all niggas don't know how good y'all got it.

Y'all go to Disneyland. We go in the backyard and pick up rocks and talk to the chicken. My mama was an old-school crazy bitch. She believed a lie she was telling to herself. Like, she had a garden in the backyard and she'd be like, Pat, go out there and put nails in the oak tree.

For what? So it can rain. I'm like, bitch, that's what the weatherman is for. So we got a dead-ass oak tree in the back of the yard with fucking a thousand nails in it. It never rained either. My mama used to get high, too. She smoke a lot of weed. Y'all, because she had one leg and she said it relaxes

the leg that was cut off at the hip. I guess when she smoked weed it kept the swelling down so it would fit in the fake leg. I don't fucking know. That's the shit she told me. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Your mother had a fucked-up leg? No, she had a fake leg.

She had diabetes so they cut. And I'll tell you the story. So my mama had diabetes, right. And they found out she had diabetes. They was like, look, we're gonna cut your leg off at the ankle. But my mama had been suffering with this foot with a hole in it about this big for like five years.

But when you and, when you and, when you pull, you don't go to the doctor. You do what your girlfriends do. So they told my mama, say, mix some, mix some sulfur-8 and Vaseline together and just pack it in your feet. Oh, that is the worst shit. She did that shit for five years

and that shit got so big. She would go to the doctor. He's like, ma'am, you got diabetes. We gotta take it off at the ankle. She was like, uh-uh, nigga, uh-uh, I've been in too much pain. You ain't gonna take this bitch off at the ankle. You're gonna take it off up to him.

And they cut her whole fucking leg off cause she told him to. Ethnic people don't give a fuck. If you're Spanish and you've watched an hour of Spanish TV, every three commercials is agopamatala glasa. Glasa means fat. Every Spanish person wants to take a pill. You could take this pill before you eat a pig

and nothing will happen. And they really wanna believe that, man. They believe it. They fucking believe it. You know, there's all these, listen, when you have sleep apnea, you have sleep apnea, okay? But on Spanish TV, they fix it for $15.95.

They'll send you a piece of Scott's tape that you'll put in there and it's, you know, and guys, you gotta go to a doctor. They gotta blow air at a high speed down your throat to keep your mouth open, to keep your throat. No, no, no, no. Not on Spanish TV, they don't. They have another potion that you mix with lemon juice

and water and you drink that and they show the guy sleeping with three pillows and hookers. It don't, you know, and it's true. Listen, I didn't, I had insurance and I wouldn't go to the doctor from my youth cause I didn't have insurance after 16. I just said, fuck it.

You know, when I had a bad tooth, I just pulled it out with Jack Daniels and a fucking wrench. You think I'm fucking kidding you? You know, I used to get abscesses in my mouth. I had to go to the hospital. I got cut 10 million times. I wouldn't get fucking stitches.

I'd pass out for a while and I'd put like a towel on my cut and I'd fucking let it heal at home, man. And that's what happens. And I toughened it up and then I started dating my wife and she's a Gentile and, you know, she goes to the hospital for fucking anything.

If she has a rash, she goes to a fucking hospital. I started using insurance. That's a true story. I would never use fucking insurance. And we had Medicaid and she still wouldn't go to the doctor. She had four teeth forever. She only had four fucking teeth.

But she had four fucking teeth but always wanted to eat tough shit. Like, this is not gonna work with your four teeth. You're gonna knock them fucking four teeth out. Yeah, my mama wouldn't go to the doctor for shit either until that foot was about to fall off. You all right? I don't want to turn around

and you humping me like a Chihuahua. Earth to motherfucking Lee. Look at him. Lee, what kind of doctor? Did you go to a Jewish doctor, Lee? No, I don't think so. I think it was just a way. When you were a kid, what kind of doctor did you go to?

Like the regular one and then the dentist. Was it nobody? And nobody was Jewish? I don't think so. No, wait, no. No, my dentist was, isn't it? It was Epstein. The other one, I don't know.

What the fuck? Do you remember your doctor's name? Fuck yeah. Oh, well yeah, well, because your mom did coke with a dad doctor. That's right, Orlando Del Valle. I know what that means. Your mama did coke with a dentist?

Listen, with a doctor, you know, I still talk to that doctor like two years ago. He's 70 some and he's still getting high. He lives in the Keys in Miami. He lost his license. I told the story because the fucking kids was taking those prescriptions in the 80s with the Valium's and shit during the coke thing.

But that guy, when I was listening, man, the world has changed a lot. And if you're young, you're fucked up. It's so fucking, there's a liquor store by my house in Studio City on Colfax and Riverside. Anybody know where it is to anybody going that area? It's a little neighborhood fucking liquor store. Back in the day, you know those liquor stores

used to fucking deliver, right? Yeah. So you need a credit card. You just call the motherfucker up and go, hey man, I ain't coming out no more. I ain't leaving the house no more. I'm gonna call you every fucking day. I want cigarettes, bread, two bottles of whiskey,

a bottle of mixes, margarita mix, give me a pound of cheese, Oscar Maya. You know, because they didn't have the slicer. They just give you cheese, you know? And you could order your whole life from a liquor store. I don't know if your motherfucker's doing it. Yeah, Pink Dot does it now, fuck them. I'm talking to them and you can run a tab.

So you can call the motherfucker and go listen, Mr. Smith, this is Leroy, throw a fucking pound of ham for me, two packs of cools, a bottle of fucking whiskey, let's get this party started. I'll give it to you on the fifth when I get my fucking checked. And they would work with you.

They don't do that at fucking Pink Dot. You know, people used to fucking deliver. The doctor used to come to your house. Yeah, my dentist came to, we had a mobile dentist like the ice cream truck and they were, I'm serious, he was fucking, he would ring the bell and you would come out there and jump in this white dude's chair

and he would fix your fucking teeth if you had your Medicaid slip. Nobody believes this, but I'm 42 and I still got the fucking feelings in the back of my mouth. Nobody know where the fuck this dude came from. He just show up and say, I'm a dentist. And all the black kids would be lying up

with their Medicaid slips in their head. We didn't know if he was a fucking dentist. He probably put us to fucking sleep and finger us. We don't fucking know. But I can tell you one thing, a couple of times I woke up with a feeling. You know, the day I kidnapped Kent Vella in November 18th, 1987. You kidnapped somebody?

Yeah, Kent Vella. I think you're tougher than me, goddamn. The day I kidnapped them at one in the afternoon, but I had a dentist appointment at 8.45, right? If you guys motherfuckers think I'm kidding you, and it was a backdoor dentist, same thing. My friend, I go, man, I got a two-take. He goes, go see my buddy.

I'm scared of needles. He'll hook you up. I went down and he gave me pills the night before. I had to go by his office the night before. He told me to take the pills at 7, so I'm gonna get a ride. And by the time I got there, he gave me a nitrox and I woke up and I had the feelings. Those feelings are still in there, guys.

Metal, whatever the fuck they are, they're still rocking in there. And then that afternoon I went from there to kidnap the motherfucker. I've never kidnaped that bitch fucking body. Then when my attorney hired the public, the private investigator, they were trying to get people to say that the nitrous

would affect me to kidnap somebody, you know? But, uh... I don't mean it. But I was like, I don't want to go into court with that defense, you know what I'm saying? I just, ah, man, what's the medication to quit smoking? I don't want to go into court with that defense, you know what I'm saying?

What's the medication to quit smoking? There's a medication out right now that they say it. Metarex works, you know? And they showed Judy playing with her kids. You know, and all of a sudden Judy did it in 30 days. She never smoked again. You know, Metarex was good. I smoked to about a week until the Metarex took the effect.

And then they go, Metarex is great. It works for prescription. You must go to the doctor. But there is warning signals. Nobody's seen this one. It goes, you know, diarrhea, back pain, or you might get the urge to commit suicide. Or is it the gambling one?

There's a pill for either gambling or cigarettes that gives you the urge to commit suicide. I'd rather gamble. No, right. I mean, what the fuck? So there is medication that'll make you go wacky, obviously. Like, if you drink it with orange juice or something like that, they'll say, ah, no wonder he's,

no wonder he shot the 18 kids. He drank orange juice. He wasn't supposed to drink fucking orange juice. That shit's crazy. But that's true because when I was taking my diabetic medication, I didn't know you couldn't drink grapefruit juice. So I can't wonder why I was getting fat and my feet were swelling.

My grapefruit juice was tearing the medicine in the ass. I was getting a half a fucking dose. You learn something fucking new every day, people. If you got diabetes, don't drink pineapple juice, all right? Grapefruit. Grapefruit, whatever the fuck it is. Like, I'm old now, so when I drink coffee, it makes my... What's fucking old? You're 42.

You look good. You still got fucking orange in your hands. You got a beautiful face. Well, I'm older. So different shit affects me now. When I drink too much coffee, my fucking nipples get really sore. I just went to the doctor last week.

So what the fuck is wrong with my nipples? They've been sore for three weeks. And they gave me a fucking... I do Chick-fil-A. I don't fuck with no Starbucks. That's for the faulty people. Fake ass people standing in line paying for that extra hot shit. I drank fucking Chick-fil-A.

Thank you. We just covered this tooth podcast ago. Yeah, so they told me that I was getting too much caffeine. That's why my nipples were so, so, so young girls. Drink all the coke you want now because when your titties get old, bitch, they gonna be aching. Like, how sore? Hot, why? You always gonna get sore?

Oh! Like... It hurt a lot? It hurts. Like, let me grab your balls and I can show you the pain. I'm okay. My balls... I'm not that hot.

I'm sorry to say this, but my ball just got back to its regular color. Where was it? Today. It was like a mild gray and blue. Your balls had gangrene. No, man. My fucking baby stepped on it sideways. So listen to me. Listen to me, guys.

I got the chair with the matching thing where you put your feet up. So I got my feet... I just come out of the shower. I got shorts on, but no underwear. So when I sat down in the chair, the ball spread out like a... Like a web on the thing, you know what I'm saying? It looked like two eggs, sunny side up. But my shorts weren't.

So the mother lets her out of the shower. She runs through the gate. Daddy! She gets on the thing. She climbs up. She turns around. She does her fucking Wally Kazam shit. I tell her double time and she goes double time.

And then she goes... Boom! But when she went to go back, she put her foot down. And the foot caught the... Alright, so these are the two nuts right here. She got her foot here, right? And it went this... It just stretched this motherfucker.

So it felt like somebody was holding onto a nut. And I had him by the window. Like, let's say I'm by the window. And he's like, help me, help me. Take my hand. But he was holding to the nut with his bare hands. Squeezing it. And I can't talk.

I'm done. She's like, Wally Kazam, Wally Kazam. And I can't push her. If it was anybody else, I would have just pushed him off. This little poor girl. I can't push her. I'll damage her for life. Daddy fucking tackled me off the fucking couch.

So I couldn't push her. So I just made... Until my wife came in, she goes, what's the matter? And in front of that, I just pushed her little leg. I tripped her leg off. And I could feel my nut. Like, she had it to the end. It was choking.

It started throbbing and throbbing. I got up real quick. I put some mice on my nut. No, I didn't pee blood. I didn't fucking crack a nut blood. That's the worst. Anybody could crack a nut and blood comes out. Every once in a while, you throw some weights around and shit.

You'll see motherfucking when you like 35. It's happened twice to me. One time, I ran right to the fucking doctor. And I was like, so what? It's supposed to happen. I'm like, what? I can't see blood. One night, I'm fucking whacking off on blow one night.

I'm on like the toilet. I come and all of a sudden I look down. I thought fucking Carrie was there. There was blood everywhere. All over my leg, on my hand, on my face. And I washed my hands. I started fainting and shit. I took my clothes off.

I went in the shower and I was well coked up. I finished the coke. And I'm like, I'm going to die. And I wanted to jerk off, but I didn't want blood everywhere again. So I had to just sit there like a fucking Zombo. And I got up like an eight. I called my doctor. I ran down there and I told him right out.

I didn't tell him I was doing blow and shit. I just go, last night I was about to, you know, whack off. And I cracked a nut and just pure blood came out. He goes, so what? He felt my tonsils or something. God bless you. See, I ain't bullshitting you motherfuckers. I don't know, for some reason he felt my tonsils or something.

He goes, no, you're fine. That happens. If it happens again, then call me. It'll never happen again. So I'm telling you guys my most intimate secrets. And you're like, oh, you know, it wasn't like a, it wasn't like I had herpes or some shit. What?

You really raped yourself. No, I didn't rape myself. I did a couple of fucking bumps. And sometimes I take the edge off. You try to bang one out. You know what I'm saying? And blood came out. That's it.

It's just, it's not even an interesting story. I just want to share your people. And if it happens to you, there's a lot of young men here. If it ever happens to you. You're never too old. All right. You're gonna die. You're gonna have a period.

Because that night I thought I was dead. Like I thought I was gonna die in my sleep. But who's gonna go to the fucking ambulance at four in the morning and I'm all coked up to say I got blood that came out of my dick. You can't go to rest. You're at the hospital right there. They'll just put cups on yourself. They arrest you for, for jacking your own dick?

They what? No. Because blood came out of your dick. You never know what happened. Then they're gonna ask you questions. You want people asking you questions on why blood came out of your dick at four in the morning? I mean, I'm quite sure it's the hospital.

I'm quite sure people show up with cucumbers and shit in their ass. Oh, they do. They do. They do. Yeah. People show up with all types of objects in their vaginas and shit. A lady just found a dildo from 10 years ago on Facebook. Y'all saw that shit?

I mean, her pussy had this tank, but why she went at the doctor? Stop urinating. Ah, what the fuck is wrong with y'all? I can't believe that somebody would find a dildo 10 years later. In the private part. Think about that. That's a fucked up story right there. So let's say you don't even care that you lost it.

Let's say you got 20 of them that went under the bed. You didn't even bother looking. And all of a sudden, you know, you guys take showers every day, right? When you take showers, you scrub a dub-dub, right? Wouldn't you feel a fucking dildo coming out of somewhere? Are you fucking serious? No. I'm saying, hers was pushed so full up her that they couldn't...

I don't know. Fuck it. Yeah. I don't fucking think so, all right? I think she was a greedy bitch. So she stick the dildo up in and didn't get a real dick. And he pushed it clean up in her guts. So he rocking lunch at the dildo up her pussy.

And she forgot she had started with the dildo. And it was lost for 10 years. Okay, I mean, I could build the story up. You know, we were having a good time. We were doing some blowing shit. She ate one more valium than me and she passed out while I had the dildo on her monkey. I had it in her hoof. And let's say I was like, you know, and she was licking my nuts.

That's a good position when you're like this and you're looking at that monkey and you're putting that hook. And she passed out and the phone rang. And you got up and left the dildo in there. Let's pretend. So what happened? You didn't go back and try to finish her off. No, you just left the dildo in there. So in the middle of the night, her uterus hand came down and grabbed that dildo and pulled it up inch by inch every hour.

So when she woke up, she had a little discomfort in her pussy. But she said, you know what? Fuck it. There was eight guys here. What? I don't know what happened. I'm going to go move on with my motherfucking life and she goes to work. Okay.

That could have happened. Okay. I'm with you. That happens every day in America. Somewhere some chick wants to go. I think she's a badass motherfucker and she runs up to eight fucking savages. That happens all the time in America. The question is how long it cannot be in there for 10 years?

It was in there for 10 years. At what point did she not stick a monkey in there or a hand? Everybody in this room from time to time checks their asshole. Do we not? We do a two-finger louis. We don't even think about doing it. We just go, you know what? I took four shits today.

Usually I take two. I'm going to hit that area a little harder. You get that washcloth and you get in there and you feel some stuff. You go, what the fuck? I went too deep or something. Somewhere, you're going to say, in 10 fucking years, you're going to go, wow, there may be something in there. You have a pimple by your ass and you don't know it.

You're walking and your ass hurts and you're like, what the fuck? Maybe it's hot out. Sometimes you scratch your ass and salty water goes in there. I'm just saying, people, what the fuck? And then that night you go home, you're watching your favorite TV show, and you get an itch and you go back there and your ass doesn't go whitehead. And now you've got to get into a yoga position and get your hand and pop the pimple on your ass.

You're all looking at me weird because it's all happened to us at one time or another. Don't look at me like I'm the fucking bad guy here, people. What? What's up, brother? Good to see you. Chris Cornell, sound gardener. He's my little brother right there, he's shit.

Bad motherfucking motorfinger. He just moved here, so welcome him. He's a church member old school that moved from another state to be part of the California movement, you understand me? Sometimes you got to take a chance. Columbus did and stopped staying at home and watching your fucking TV set because that's what happens, California. Since the time we're kids, they just push California on you.

And if you're a fucking communist, you're like, fuck those fucking hippies out there. They're smoking grass, they're walking around naked, they're on the beach all day. But there's some motherfuckers that are, fuck that, they're smoking dope, they got bodegas that sell weed, we're moving out there, fuck it. So some people take a chance, I want to welcome my brother for moving here. Where are you from? He was living in Little Cuba, Salt Lake City, my friends. Just walking there, you could feel it, like you're like, oh, big boy's watching him.

That bring him young, they don't fuck around those Mormons, Jack. They got double security, I like the Scientologists. Oh, I was about to say, you're some healthy motherfuckers. He's some fucking Guam. I don't know what the fuck Guam is. I thought it was that fucking 12, 6 of Guams, you chew. It's a little island by Hawaii, you know what I'm saying? You want to Salt Lake City from Guam?

You won't. Oh, okay, well, welcome. Miss Pat, you can't fucking walk from Guam. Well, he's fucking Mexican, they do a lot of shit to get here. He's non-Mexican. Well, close to it, you know. No, he's Guamis. Shit, they do a lot of shit to get here.

Are you not Guamis? You what? Chamorros. A native, see? I'm an ex-slave, and there I'm black. The fuck he's talking about? I don't do math. This is an educational show.

I didn't even know Guam had its own nationality. I thought it was Filipino, I didn't know. See what I'm saying, P? The church, you learn something at every fucking point. You guys are going to get home, and instead of having sex, you're going to go online. You're going to go fucking Guam. Let's check this out.

Let's do a book report tonight with Uncle Joe. That was last time your motherfuckers did a book report. It's been years. They don't do book reports. Talk to them, smoke some weed with them after the fucking show. Take a chance, you know what I'm saying? I know Guam brought some fucking weed. Guam is where Ralphie May got busted, correct?

That's where he got busted on the fucking thing where the dog went up to him. That's the only place that the dogs work, trust me. For years, I thought those dogs worked. Those dogs don't work, dog. Miami one time, the dog worked. That's it. But at the airports and shit, those dogs don't fucking work.

One time, I was at the New Jersey Newark Airport, and my flight was delayed. I'm going to go in the bathroom and roll a joint. And as I was walking that way, a guy was walking this way with a dog, and I ran into the fucking bathroom and hit it in the last stall, in the handicapped stall, in the roll

or toilet paper. You hit the weed in the tube and the rolling papers, and I went back out, and the fucking dog came up to me and sniffed me, didn't do nothing, right? So I got nothing. He's got me. He could be a fucking Fugazi, or he may not be a fucking fake, right? Once he walked past me, I went in the bathroom,

got my weed, got my rolling papers, and ran the fuck out of the airport and fucking rolled it at a different bathroom and ran it to the front of Newark Airport, sparked it up, and when I was done, guys, you couldn't fucking write this as I was done. I threw the fucking roach. I turned around, and they were walking up to me,

and he goes, are you the guy from the Sopranos? And I'm like... This is like 10 years ago when the Sopranos was hot, right? And I'm like, no, that's not him, and my fucking guys, the fucking... my apple was in my throat. This dog, if he was any good, he had me. Now, I still had the weed on my fingers,

because I'm a lefty with the fucking joint. That dog came right up to me, I pet him by the eyeballs. Nothing. He didn't bark. He didn't fucking do nothing, you understand me? And I felt like telling the guy, this dog's a fake, but, you know... I'm not gonna argue with a cop when I got fucking 25 bags of weed on me and shit.

Lee, you all right? Cock-Sucker, look at you. Yeah, I'm good. I give you a little cookie, and look at you. You're fucking Zombo. That's it. I love it. Look at this shit. I love it. I love that Lee's living. He's going back to the gym. He's a 24-hour fitness on the apolliptical, doing his thing.

He's gonna go for it. How many minutes? How many calories are you going for this week? Well, my... My high is 800, so I thought if I could do another 15 minutes... So you burned 800 calories on one workout? Yeah. How long did that take you? An hour and two minutes.

An hour and two minutes? You were moving on that. What the fuck are you on? That's a lot of calories. You were moving on that motherfucker, weren't you? You gotta take that shit and put it on YouTube. You'll get a million fucking hits. I don't have good form. 800 fucking calories in an hour and two minutes.

I want to see what that looks like. You're moving, motherfucker. You must have 15 Red Bulls. No. When I first started, when you were on Rogan four or five weeks ago, I could barely do 15 minutes, and I turned on Rogan

just as you go on, and I passed out for 24 straight hours. And now I can do about an hour. So it's pretty good. I'm very proud of you, you're a bad motherfucker. That time you see Leo just be a little head. Yeah, like this.

He'll just be like a little Jewish boy and shit. You know, I'd say look at him. He looks good with his little beard. He's got a girlfriend. He's going to get married soon. No. You're not going to get married? I am, but we're not soon. I don't know, maybe.

And where are you going to get married at? Probably here. At the ice house? I figure they give us a good deal. No. So you're Jewish and she's Mexican. What will the wedding be like? She's Mexican?

Yeah. Oh, wow. Y'all going to have a lot of babies. What kind of wedding do you think this will be like? I don't know. You think they'll be dancing Spanish music? I'm sure they'll be Spanish music, yeah.

Okay. It's going to be an interesting party with like really, really white, aggressively white Jews and then people who don't, there's two people in the family who speak English, so it's going to be interesting. There's only two people in her family who speak English? Yeah, they're like, we all deal Mexicans.

So what that mean, they illegal? No, they, no. Somebody said, yes, you asshole. Well, they did. Her mom came over. Can you imagine that if they're illegal? The friends listen to this and they probably open that. Well, Mr. N.S.A.

And Lee kisses him and shit, walks out. He walks to his car like, he's free, he's immigration. And they come running out and the mom's getting beat up and Lee's like, what's going on? What's going on? They're immigrants. I didn't know this.

Can we still say I did? The mom just became a citizen, so. Yeah. Now how long was she here? How long was she here? 30 years at least. Wow. She been a citizen. I know, after like a fucking year,

they don't catch you fucking. Just come down to LAPD, do the paperwork. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. You've been here, you haven't gotten arrested, you got a job, you have a kid. I got to break your balls, you got to put your hand up.

You got to take that stupid ass test. You got to take the fucking test and I pledge allegiance, what the fuck? You know what's fucked up? You have to say I pledge allegiance, but you don't do that shit in school anymore. So why do you have to do it, to take the test?

I'm with you, if you don't get caught, then who fucking, just let him stay here. After a year, listen, when the Cubans are listening, for years, if a Cuban hits a beach and he just tags it, he gets into immigration, he does paperwork, and they ship him off to Catholic Ministry or pick him up and put him in a different Minnesota,

somewhere where there's no fucking Cubans. That's what they do to him. I swear to God, watch a fucking special called Balcedo, they take these fucking Cubans and they break them up. And to places there's no Cubans. Why are you putting fucking Cubans in Minneapolis with the fucking snow on a ski resort?

Why? The guy's gonna escape, it's his natural fucking thing. He's gonna hit somebody in the head and leave, it's just, you know, you can't do that to these fucking people, you know? Anyway, I'm sorry, I'm stoned to the gills. Miss Pat's got the motherfucking floor.

Miss Pat, turn it up on the podcast circuit, dropping knowledge, you know. I don't have no weed knowledge. It's so weird because I never have seen the reaction that people have reacted to Miss Pat because of the realness.

It's that time, ladies and gentlemen. It's taking over. Real people want to be associated with real people. If not, you go to Starbucks, you put your little fucking fedora on, you get your little tattoo, make sure you pull up the sleeve so they see the tattoo. That's very important

so they know that you're cool, you know, and you can do that lifestyle. And it's us, this underground, we're fucking half losers, whatever the fuck we are, and we're just trying to make our lives better and we go out and we listen to podcasts that's a bunch of fucking jerk-offs just talking about shit.

And, you know, I was telling Lee today the fucked-up thing about it is when you get out and you start sharing your life, people don't want to believe you. Like, I had a bunch of negative remarks from Rogan's and they were like, bitch, this can't be real. And I'm like, who the fuck are you, white boy,

sitting at home with fucking frozen crew-comers in your ass? I don't give a fuck about you. You know, they said, they was calling me niggers and everything. They said, I don't give a fuck about the niggers, but don't tell me my life ain't real because you was born on healthcare, bitch, and I was born on Medicaid

where we were living in one room. Fuck you, white boy. Not y'all. I got a... I went on the Duncan Trussell podcast with my brother and one day, a year later, somebody sent me

reviews of the podcast and they were people, talking limited their mind was because they pose as very intelligent people and they use all these big words. But let me tell you what these people were saying, that when you're a comedian, you shouldn't be heavy

because it's not funny that real comedian in great shape that John Candy wasn't a comedian. And right there, I knew. It was like three little... That was the remarks they had about me. And I looked at those three people alone that thought that way,

they were intelligent people that have really closed mind and they're dumb motherfucking Nazis. That's exactly what they are. And there was like 20 of those comments. But you know what, man, you can't even look at those because I used to get those

and I just steamrolled forward. And now they're either on the program or they're not. And I don't get mad at them. I know, I know. There's a lot of people I don't like. And a lot of people were like, I don't know people, okay? So I'm not fucking 16 years old with eight cars.

They're like, how the fuck you gonna have eight cars when you 16? Because bitch, I had money, okay? I had a learner license with a crackhead on the passenger side who had a real license so I could use my learner's license. Go fuck yourself. And they were just calling me all kind of bitches

and I was like, okay, I'm gonna respond back. Come on, meet me at Starbucks so I can fuck you up. But they say I can't respond like that because I'm sharing my life and I'm in the public. But I want to talk back. I was like, how the fuck Beyonce sat there and let these motherfuckers call her baby Napa head and she not respond.

You know, I'll be like, bitch, my motherfucking baby comb is worth your house. But you can't respond like that. You know, I'm from the hood. You say something about me. I take my motherfucking house, fucking take my broth and we fucking fight. You know, in the hood, they take off their bras

so they can be loose and that fucking oh, you ain't never fought a bitch with no bra on her little white boy. I was fighting this bitch one time right because she was sleeping with my baby daddy. And so we get to fight and she pulling the shit out of my house. All I could do was grab her titty.

It ain't never had a titty in my mouth. I bit that bitch nipple. I was chewing on it like gum. That's the only time I ever sucked the titty. I wouldn't let that pass if you don't let my weave go, bitch. I'm not letting your nipple go. The same value, the same value.

You know, it's funny, one of the first times I was on the Rogan podcast. I told the story where I have this friend that is in the mob. I grew up with him. No big fucking deal. We were best friends. I'm not saying we're best friends. I know who he was. I knew his younger brothers.

So about eight years ago I get a call from this guy at my house and he goes, listen a kid we grew up with that's been in a wheelchair. They're doing a retirement party and we'd like for you to be part of the benefit. And if you can, I said absolutely.

And he goes, we'll call you back with a date. And that's it. That's all the conversation. How are you? How are your brothers? How's Mike? Great. All right, son of my love. I hung up the phone. Maybe six weeks ago by Ampat, Miss Pat. And I'm on my balcony. This is in Hollywood. And a fucking mail truck

pulls up about four in the afternoon and he walks in and I go, who are you here for? And he goes, I'm here for Jose Diaz. And I go, I'm Jose Diaz. And he goes, can you sign this? It was certified mail. And it was from Hackensack County a county in New Jersey. It was out of Hackensack.

A letter informing me that I was on a wiretap. Okay? Why? I don't know. I looked at it like if they were taping me. I ran upstairs, called my attorney, he goes, fax it to me. I faxed it to him. He called back. He goes, no, no, no, no.

Whoever called you on their side had a wiretap. And because they prosecuted him after that the county who's ever investigated him has to notify you by mail that you were caught on a wiretap. So I told the story. No, no, I didn't say that.

I didn't tell this yet. And then they called me to do the benefit. So I had to call him. I never repeated to him that I was getting letters, especially not on the phone. I kept talking back and forth to him. I kept it very professional. Where am I going to stay? And I went back and when I did the benefit

I told him that I had gotten a letter and he giggled and that was it. When I got back, when I got... And if I tell you this guy's name, what'll come up on Google is a picture hand with an orange suit with handcuffs on in front of a judge in New Jersey. Classic.

So I fucking told him and then when I got back about six weeks later I got seven or eight letters. And I go on the Rogan podcast and I tell this story. Oh, my God. All those fake legal experts were attacking me. Fuck you.

The feds would never do this. I had it and I just put it away. But I went back and forth with them. My feelings were hurt also. And I went back and forth with them and then they just went away. And then I was going to be on the Rogan podcast and the one wise guy came up out of the dead

and goes, why don't you bring the letters up to the Rogan podcast? So I brought the letters up and I told the story and showed the letters nobody ever fucked with me again. Yeah. You know, and that's the thing. People are going to have their doubts or whatever.

His haters. I don't even call them haters because I'm the same way sometimes. Somebody might say something and then I have to think about it. And after I think about it, I judge them. And then I just roll with it because I don't want people judging me.

That was their life. And then eventually something happens like Lorenzo Carcaterra, the guy that wrote sleepers. He forgot the story. You know, whatever. I don't want to drive home. I don't want to have no fucking smoke. What the fuck did you give me?

This is the only place you can get weed at church. That's all. I've never seen this much weed in my fucking life. You don't smoke, correct? I don't smoke shit. I mean, I sold a lot of crack but I've never been involved in weed like this. We didn't bring in a lot of money.

You never smoked crack? No, I ain't never smoked no fucking crack. Do you know what crack make motherfuckers look like? They don't put on makeup after they smoked crack. Then they sell pussy for $5. You want me to rip that heart? Anybody see the picture of the black dude of CSI

that was going around last week? Remember, he was on CSI in the very beginning? Good looking brother. And then something happened after eight seasons. He was already a millionaire and something happened. He wasn't on the show anymore. And they showed a picture of him a couple weeks ago before and after

that they arrested him. And then I cracked charges. Oh, my fucking god. I think I did see that. That dude was really good looking. Great smile. He's done. I mean, that was... I dealt with coke.

I was addicted to crack for about six or seven weeks. I ain't gonna lie to you motherfuckers. Late in the winter of 98 I was addicted to crack. I don't know how I shook it and I was smoking the house and my girlfriend, who's my wife today said to me, what's that smell? It smells really sweet, man.

Go back to sleep. No, that smells really sweet. When you smoke crack it smells like somebody's baking cake. I'm serious. That's where they smell really fucking sweet. That's how I know, like, my sister smoked crack. And that's why I don't smoke crack because my sister

smoked so much crack that this bitch done fucking fucked up her spine so her neck won't be still. You're like, the fuck are you a bobblehead, dawg? And she just got out of jail and her neck beat. She'll be talking to you. Her neck just... Yeah, I had a friend

and that's how gone. He's not with us no more. But listen, how long just the smoke crack for? She just got off crack and she's 45 because she did a year in jail for running over my cousin transsexual boyfriend, whatever the fuck penny.

Dude dressed like a girl with his dick took up his ass. My sister ran them over. So she had to do a year in jail. So all her life she been on crack. How much fun would that be to hit a transsexual with a car? And to be a court with them checking them out is wigs all fucked up.

His shoulders his arms in the sling. And you're dying to laugh. I mean, at that point, you know they're going to give you 10 years. They gave her ass a year. Oh my god. They said they wouldn't have gave her a year

because she ran them over and then she bagged up and ran them over. They was hot. They were smoking crack and the transsexual smoked too much of the crack. So she hit him with her car. That's the shit you do when you smoke and crack.

You steal from your mama. I was with a comedian, a white comedian who was smoking crack and I didn't believe I was like a white dude on crack, you know that's a black drug. He was like Miss Pat I was so strong out on crack that I stole my mama walker. I was like

what the fuck you do with it? He said he took it to the pawn shop. I was like the pawn shop take fucking walkers? He said he got $40 for it and his mama was in the bathroom shitting while her walker was by the door and she came out and her fucking walker was gone and the bitch

So I was like did you ever go to jail? He's like no I only stole from people that I love. Like yeah motherfucker you wasn't black at all My god the shit you rob and shit when you're coked up a fucking walker

oh my god. I robbed all the sheet metal from the soccer stadium piece by piece. Anybody watch the movie of Nicholas Cage when he sells weapons got war to war when they land in Africa and they arrest him and the lights turn on

and they show the natives fucking take a plane apart in 45 minutes that's the same fucking thing we did to the stadium. Every day me and my buddies walked up there took two pieces of sheet metal three pieces get 400 bucks and finally one day they said what the fuck

happened to the roof? You took the fucking roof We took the fucking roof off the soccer stadium piece by piece and I spent every dime of it on blow Crack head are some talented motherfuckers I'm telling you they are some

that's how I learned how to drive from a crack head they are some talented people there was educated people who got upset and smoked crack and didn't know they was gonna get fucking addicted I'm telling you most of the crack heads in the black community I remember one he was a fucking engineer and he smoked fucking crack

like my sister was a badass prostitute until she got on crack and she fucked the neck up so her prices went down That's who this is pointing Ain't nobody gonna pay a lot of money for a bitch you gonna cock a dude

Lee wouldn't let a crack hoe suck his dick huh Lee? No Off a Van Nuys Boulevard he would call me ooh I just saw two of them Lee go out there get your dick suck Why wouldn't you let them suck your dick it's really cheap

Are you scared of them? I don't want herpes She ain't got herpes in her mouth we say suck your dick not fucker Lee you don't fuck prostitutes You put a condom on a couple condoms You can't get herpes from young people y'all look like y'all in college No you can't get no fucking herpes from there

like if somebody with HIV suck your dick they eat like that can you? I think you can Yes you can I don't believe y'all my brother got that shit I'm gonna call him in the morning I'm gonna call him and ask him Why would you want to risk it? Just don't do it

Somebody gotta suck your dick Lee I can't do it It's alright I don't know what the fuck Lee you never got a hooker in all your days I never really ordered a hooker room service like that to me is something fucking crazy

like just calling somebody to come over to fuck you without you meeting them in some place in the rendezvous what if the chick is fucked up and she wouldn't hold the what are you gonna do you can't send her back she's gonna charge you for being there you might as well get restabbing you know I always thought

of that like how fucked up my friends took me to a place when I was 16 the 1040 club it was 999 plus tax 1040 and they would fuck you and it was just disgusting it was the worst experience of my life

I never mess with a hooker again not because I was a gay guy what's that word I'm looking for? Faggot Approved I feel when I tell that to people that people are like what are you approved to fuck the hooker because I guess everybody fucks hookers

but people are like oh you don't fuck I don't know I just feel like no I just feel fucking dirty what was the word? Approved like somebody who looks Approved I never heard that

I never heard that before what's the definition of approved guys somebody what? it's boring doesn't want to have sex oh that's my husband listen dog I could sit up here on a Wednesday night

or a Friday night and I could really fucking talk about eating pussy and licking assholes and poking into the eyeballs and if you come up to me after the show and goes Joey I want to show you my pussy and you show it to me I would fucking die do you understand me

my face would go pale I would have to hold on to a table you would ask me over and over why don't you like my pussy and I get an anxiety attack and then I come to my senses and go yeah you got a nice pussy but

I feel like sometimes I'm a fucking knucklehead like that like a square I talk about all that shit I go in and stab a chick I couldn't stab a chick I couldn't tie a chick up and fuck with them I could never do it

I just need some pussy but I want to be the captain Kirk of the navigator you want to be the captain Kirk you're the one that wants to tell a bend over I want to eat your ass and shit if a shit comes up to me and says I like you to eat my ass I refuse to do it

don't talk to me that way bitch you know what I'm saying don't you ever talk to me that way you must have me confused with some freaking shit when did bitches start eating ass when did bitches start eating ass when did bitches start eating ass stop my life is boring

since the Indians have been in this fucking country Jack it's just not discussed no everybody talks about dog I took this girl home one night and I ate a pussy I sucked a clit and you know she had a hairy asshole but nobody's going to go home and go

dog I ate this girl's asshole she just put it on her belly button opened it up peaked in that motherfucker and licked that motherfucker and massaged her clitoris whatever is on the top gently while I just machine gun her muffler with my tongue

just machine gun that muffler and you can see like that you gotta hold them down it's like a jiu-jitsu move you gotta you gotta put your weight into the back try to like swim you gotta they ain't going to

and with this hand you're going nuts you're going banana and if you're real just the energy from the pussy to your finger you get like a wild man and then she's trying to get away she's like stop

stop I can't think by that point and you start fucking going nuts bro you just start fucking and then finally you she's like stop stop and then you catch yourself and you get on the virus

and you got fucking ass juice on your face and if you're a real man ladies if you're a real man when a man has ass juice on his face he sits back huff huffing for huffing for fucking ass

and the whole time he ain't worried about that ass juice on his face he's loving it like a soldier he knows he knows if he's a real man he reached a complete different level of manhood this is something you talk about on the corner when you're 14 eating somebody's ass

oh yeah well eat her ass but now you fucking hate an ass motherfucker this is the wildlife zone you're sitting there and you're breathing heavy and she finally pops her head up and pulls her head back and makes eye contact with you

and you know it you I gotta go take a pee and you just get up but when you're in that bathroom pee and you're like I hate that woman's ass seriously she was fucked up she was in a different planet

she was ready to down 911 what happened you know you can't go to jail for eating somebody's ass there's not a cop that'll put handcuffs on you for them he is soft to me just ate my ass over and over how do you talk about

yes you can there's not even a charge for that shit lulax no well I wasn't there but it sound good I got excited about eating ass I take it back to my cocaine days I get freaked like that

I knew I couldn't fuck you because I had dead dick so I just focused on eating your ass you know what I'm saying because when you eat a woman's ass she'll stay she'll stay oh like a mother fucker dead dick 3D when the dick goes into the nut sack

and and the little fucking my little uncircumcised skin would just hang there like a monster like a little kitten's paw would just hang there my dick would go all the way

into my nut sack and you're sitting there doing big rocks of coke she's horny you're making a play with a pussy put a coke rock in your little noodle beat that mother fucker up and she's playing with a pussy and you're like yeah in the chair and nothing that little rocket ship is in there

and now you what are you gonna do so you're like bend over why what are you gonna do to me bend over and you lick her ass and you put a coke rock in there you melt that mother fucker and then she'll turn around did you put a coke rock in my ass

oh my god that was nobody's ever done that before hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha

how to redeem myself how to take it back deep into my heart brother I've been thinking about eating ass all day I know one thing you turning me on I don't fuck around I don't fuck around can I get a war look

I'm cotton off like a mother fucker you need to eat some ass can I get a water from somebody out there when you get a minute my brother a coffee for me please a coffee too look at you this ain't Starbucks this is the fucking ice house this is that Folgers and shit

that shit when you drink 10 cups you don't even stand up school the shit out of these young boys look at them they're gonna go look for a coke rock to stick in some white chick ass hahahaha yeah this don't taste like you said did hahahaha

he didn't say lick the ass with the cream and shit back there okay make sure it's clean did you make sure it was clean what's that did you make sure the ass act was clean so I always take a shower with him come on in oh okay you know when you eat your pussy in here

and you wash it with the soap get the loofah you scrub your ass so good what are you doing to me nothing just criminalize hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha you want it to have a little wing you don't want it to smell like irish spring

you want it to have a a little funk a little smell a little asshole in there walk around the block you eat ass too huh hahahaha wow I need to pick up my sex game

I don't eat ass yet you eat ass oh that sounds gross hahahaha that's poor fucking kid I tried guys I've tried everything I had chicks that want to come over

and fart in his mouth no you didn't know hahahaha I had one chick that was ready to take a flight I was in a flyer in no we were gonna go to Denver yeah she's the one that had the bar boy around her ass that one with a tattoo with a bar boy around her ass

I don't have herpes why herpes Lee what do you have against herpes hahahaha I don't want it don't kill you just break you out and then he said to me she's got a tattoo of a bar boy around her ass she's definitely got herpes

in her asshole she's got a tattoo of a bar boy in her asshole beautiful I had never seen her not for me for Lee how you gonna turn that down Lee hahahaha pretty easily that sounds gross

hahahaha what you want some pussy with a christin symbol sure that'd be nice a book of the bible on the asshole come on now Lee you know it's a good Wednesday night when we start talking about assholes

and uh eating ass that's always a good Wednesday night there was dick on TV tonight people nothing not a fucking thing maybe Louie I know Sons of Anarchy is at 12.30 that gives you enough time to go to Denny's roll a joint feed the cat

walk the dog and you could be in to watch Sons of Anarchy I think it's the third episode I don't know what happens but I'm just dropping just in case like Joey what's next this what's next I'm telling ya let's go to Denny's got a nice milkshake split it with your buddy if you're worried about the diet

and you go home walk the dog what you do for a milkshake Lee how many calories you burn today only 500 I don't think you lying you said 800 early no no that was the most I had ever done oh okay okay

so what can you eat tonight what are you going to dream about you look like you want to split a milkshake I would love to split it I don't want to split he's got a milkshake he's like fuck it I don't eat a cookie why not take a whole milkshake

oh my god you don't know where I am right now do you feel like eating ass that's the one thing I don't want to eat give him another cookie he might want to eat ass later look at the fucking shape of you cock sucker that's when you know the podcast is over when you're

you know those things you put over when you boil an egg that's the show like I just gauged it on him once his eyeballs are red like that and he can't and he can't focus he's pale and shit that means he's in deep waters none of you

none of you can handle that right there that's not a comedian that's a co-host with lights in his face with people looking at him right now that's fucking tough that's anxiety right there motherfucker but he handles it man that's why I love him fucking

he eats an edible now I told him you gotta eat a fucking edible you gotta flow everybody here did something today a shot of scotch I bumped into a motherfucker where's my brother Berghier oh listen I bumped into this is a true story

just to let you motherfuckers know how I live I got fucked up last night I smoked a vapor pen I got up like a 430 I took a shower I fucked around on Twitter and Facebook I smoked a vapor pen I had a protein shake

you know what I'm gonna do the baby's not awake I can't do dick here I'm gonna get my wife's car filled up with gas and wash it get the body going get the calories going right I open up my drawer to get my glasses cause I can't see and watch at the bottom of the drawer

oof mean hornet a goomy bear but it's 5 to 7 who would do such a thing I swear to god when I opened up that drawer I was looking for glasses but I saw the goomy bear like that

I thought it was hallucinating I thought it was like an empty package and I went and I'm like oh my goodness and I go should I take it with me and I go fuck it in the middle of the car wash you know like when you're washing the car it's fun once you got a vacuum and armor

or all that fuck it maybe in there the juices are going you pop that motherfucker like a soldier boom no way I put it in my pocket I kiss the cats I walk outside who do I see my brother Berge he's parking to go take the train hey what's up you're coming to the show

what's going on we start talking a little Mexican dude on his bicycle getting cans out of the garbage right we see him and then I go Berge what are you going to do he said I'm going to work Berge I took the fucking thing out and I go we want to eat this he goes I can't my co-workers fuck that shit

eat this motherfucker it was 7.15 in the morning and I bumped into a real fucking Armenian and we just made eye contact I opened it up and I could see while I was opening he had the same fear in his eye like Lee has in the morning

I could open I just handed it to him the way the fucking Catholic priest gives you that cookie you know when you go to church he gives you a cookie there ain't no turning back fuck no he took it like a man and with eye contact he fucking ate it and that was it we fucking shook hands he went his way and I went my way

and look he's here tonight ladies and gentlemen 7.15 in the fucking morning I don't want you guys to think that we're just fucking around here at the church or what's happening now when I'm one of these fake guys that jumped on the stone of boat

when we get in the car at 8am look out motherfuckers I may be high I may not be high you'll be high oh I'll be fucking high you say my one word every 10 minutes respect you want to tell these people where you're going to be at

just when you put the podcast on August 21st I can't fucking I ain't got my pad go to my website misspatcomedy.com Twitter, Facebook, Comedian Miss Pat Instagram I don't do fucking much on Instagram because I don't like taking pictures of my food

I like eating my fucking food that's the dumbest shit in the world you look up every day I got one friend this motherfucker eat like 9 times a day I was like do you know Instagram is killing you bitch every time you see this motherfucker he got steak

and eggs like you fucking Instagram is killing you you fat fuck so you know follow me on this shit I love the impact you've done on the internet lately I love when motherfuckers come with a true story and drop it on people and I love the reaction but the love you got so thank you for opening up your heart to the internet

and making these motherfuckers come out on a Wednesday night thank y'all for listening thank you and for my little brother the fucking mute it's your fault this motherfucker Johnny sign language look at him

by the end of the year we'll just be doing sign language Lee got an awesome job he's the only place he got his boss giving him good shit my dog right there you don't even need a Christmas bonus

cause he keep you fucked up all year round but I didn't want this what the fuck you look like you want a bonus this is way too high I love you motherfuckers stay black thank you very much I gotta close the window before I record

cause New York don't know how to be quiet oh shit I'm sorry