Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Church Rises

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

After four years, The Church of What's Happening Now is back! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are live from their new studio near New York City to talk about what it's like being back in studio, what the Mike Tyson fight was really about, Joey's conspiracy theories and much more! Support the show and try BlueChew for free. Use promo code DIAZ at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers play $5 and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Support the show and get 10% off your Freeze Pipe order with code DIAZ at https://www.thefreezepipe.com

What's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle joey here with fucking lily leland. We're back The church the lat the new testament. I don't even know what it is no more. It don't matter I'm just happy that we're back. Let's get this party started now It's tuesday the 19th of november The church new testament is brought to you by The freeze pipe it's getting chilly out there. It's time to cool down your bunk, too Free pipe makes it easy with a glycerin chamber that you pop in the freezer And when you're ready to see the devil you take it out you pop it and you're ready to smoke

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What's happening beautiful people it's Tuesday November the 19th. What up dog dude? It's crazy it's great we're here I couldn't I like I was thinking about it when you walked in when we were closing up the old office I had no ever idea of us coming back. Never. Never. I thought the chapter was done. But you know what, man? I'm happy to be back. Listen, this is the first week. The studio still a little bad.

We got it up. We told you last week was the last zoom and we stuck to our fucking word. And that's all that matters. We're ready to rock here. We're already fucking tuned up and ready to go. Let's talk about a few fucking things. What? I don't even know how to get this thing started now. Is it crazy doing it in person again?

It's crazy. It's great to see this little guy. For the last couple of weeks, we've been trying to put this together and I've been taking it to all my own haunts from fucking hyrums to get a hot dog. I gained six pounds in two weeks. We ain't fucking around here. You understand? You got to work out every day in this fucking neighborhood. From fucking high rooms to get a hot dog. Oh, I gained six pounds in two weeks. We ain't fucking around here You understand me? You got to work out every day in this fucking neighborhood. So we go for a walk

You gotta do something explain what high room high rooms. They deep-fry their hot dogs and not only do they deep fry their hot dogs They're ready in about six seconds because every time we get a hot like everything, you know, you ordered two But then you want another one it was and the chili is amazing every and then they have steak fries and onion rings And oh And then it's a little shack Yeah, like I went there when I was in the eighth grade the first time and then about 200 times after that That's how you become a fat fuck

And then tell them this is my favorite thing that I just found I learned I learned milkshakes last week and this week I learned you you have like a rotation of restaurants you call to find out what the specials are every day. Every day. First of all, I like soup, man. I'm a fucking soup dude. And there's two restaurants that make the kind of soup I like. Rudy's up here and the Brass Rail in Manila Pan.

They got the best soup ever. So I call around. If I'm going to come up here before I make the trip, I don't want to walk into Rudy's and put to be a fucking surprise on my god damn it. So if they tell me they got Rhode Island, I get fucking excited. You know what I'm saying? Now I'm cutting people off a little bit. Now I'm trying to beat the fucking the waves. Oh, the waves. Yeah. The waves will give you a time. I'm always beating that fucking way. Except tonight they hit me with that. Go through here and we'll cut the time off

by five minutes. Yeah. But then they put me behind some old lady. I get the fucking you know, I guess the fucking computer didn't see it or whatever. She was doing 30 and a fucking 90. I love being on the phone with you because everyone's know you'll just start screaming at traffic. You were, I think it was yesterday you were pissed. Every day that listen, the ride up here is magnificent. You just cannot do it with traffic. It's an hour up here. You know, my brother George comes down, he always tell me it's a long ride, especially

at night, especially if you're smoking reefer, the fucking lights start blinking, you step on, I mean, that New Jersey turnpike, if you go on it 10 times, you're gonna get a flat one time. I did it already, yeah. Yeah, you're gonna get a fucking flat one time. But it's been great living in Jersey, it's been four years now, Lee's been out of LA for four years now,

everybody went back. Everybody, like the 20 people we left with, I think we and the guys in Austin are the only ones that held that. Everybody already went back, but they go back every three weeks because Hollywood's calling. Hollywood ain't calling nobody, Jack. Things are bad all fucking over. You understand me? I haven't worked all year.

First year in Fuss is 1997. That it's November 18th, 19th. And I had not fucking worked. What does that mean to you? That means I'm getting older and uglier or they, listen, this year had a lot of people didn't have fucking work. Cause I, you know, I talk to different people and they'll tell me we haven't even auditioned I did have auditions But I have eaten dick on all of them like I bombed on all I had an audition for one fucking line One word, you know what the word was go fuck yourself to steve martin and that little fucking do what he ends up with

Martin short I fucked and said to fuck you. He was a New Yorker, gruff-y, rough. Fuck you. I thought, like I was already cashing the bank. Like I was already fucked and I got this. They didn't even call me back for a call back. I did a bunch of one line, one word auditions this year. When you do one word and you don't book the audition,

that's fucking pain in your heart, Jack. Do you think like they could think you're over? Qualified for something like that. No, the problem is that the strike Killed production as you guys are seeing they shit on TV. You sit there every night looking around Telling me I'm watching a new show on that. Listen the show sucks It does the show fucking sucks you sit there. The only thing we live on is uh, The one about the prison with the fucking dude that got run over by the snowplow I didn't oh locker. Whatever that yeah name is. That's a great fucking show. I haven't seen it yet

If you have not watched that show That is a great fucking show Oh, it's about a dude who goes to prison and comes out and gets a job as whatever for the prison, you know, like between the guards and the liaison or something on the street. So he runs the prison because he talks to the black dude, he talks to the Spanish dude, he speaks to the people, wait, black people and Mexicans, you know, the fucking triple Z's, you know, those dudes. He talks to all of them.

I forget the name of the fucking show. I watched Tulsa King this year. I haven't seen that yet. Was the second season good? Which had some really good episodes. Dominic Lombardozzi was great. I feel bad they shot him off. Sylvester Stallone is looking rough and rougher. Last week that we're shooting him from behind you can

see like, listen Sylvester, we're not gonna put hair on there. We can't find a fucking bear. All right, we're just gonna spray paint it a little bit. They don't show a lot of the back of his head, but he's fucking hanging in there. You know, what else? I already watched the show you recommended on Netflix. That was brilliant with the kid from office space and a lot of milk was fucking brilliant. I haven't seen it.

But besides that, I sit there every night with my wife waiting for the fucking world to end. That's why I fucking go out. That's why I eat mushrooms at night because you just fucking sit there like, okay. So I try to get out of the house till about eight, eight, thirty. I take my ride. I fucking see what's going on at Carvel. What's going on at my favorite pizza joint. You know what I'm saying? I take a piss and then I go home waiting that, you know, maybe something good is going to be on there. He's shit on. I caught

bullet the other night. I caught the hot rock. It was back-to-back The hot rock was 1972 I was nine when that movie came out and I saw in the fucking movie theater in the Bronx Robert Redford is in that fucking movie. They a dude robs a fucking place and he steals a big diamond He's in prison. So he shits it in the pipe So they have to break into the jail to steal the pipe with the shit in it before it goes into the fucking New York Hudson River. Tremendous. We're back, cocksuckers. What? I love it. We got a little cave between you guys. It's beautiful. It's got no heat though.

So in the winter, we're going to do this like my little fucking igloo I built for that girl sophomore year when she didn't show up. My little fucking igloo. I forgot about your fucking igloo. Do you ever think about that? If you're just like making out with somebody like this used to be so much cooler and like harder to do. What? Making out. Just even making out. Making out? Yeah.

Swap and spit? Yeah. out. Yeah swap and spit. Yeah You don't swap spit anymore I don't ever want I haven't swaps nobody in 30 years because I don't want to hit it with a shot of bad breath I'm saying it's either my monkey or that's it At least after you eat that monkey like you could breathe whatever's on your breath. You know saying pickles though I'm it to people doing great You know I'm saying pickles though. I'm in do people doing great Like when I one of the last girls I hooked up with I went down on her and she licked my face

We're gonna have to erase that Because only you would meet a woman that wouldn't lick your fucking face You know I'm saying oh, but Lee's in Harlem now and he's doing quite well He's got the four floors, which is he never wants to go home. I'm sure, but now I know. I called this motherfucker 18 times yesterday. He's a man. I ain't ready to go home yet. Yeah, I was here till like 10 o'clock.

He just goes over there and he knows when I go in, I ain't coming back out. You don't want to make no mistake. There's four floors, there's four floors. I told him. Everybody says, oh yeah, four floors sucks dick. Okay? I don't care how much you spend in rent I don't care what your apartment looks like because when you get there after you check the mail You always got to look up those stairs and go. Oh

Goddamnit and God forbid you got groceries What about that as a suitcase? I've been traveling so much that that's the worst The fucking suitcase that that's the only part that kills me everything else has been cool but New York's been pretty good not like you did great I haven't bought I had the worst show I had in two years I felt like the only way I could describe it was remember when cowboy Sarone fought McGregor and got knocked out by a shoulder it just wasn't his night yeah that was how I felt I just was got knocked out by a shoulder. It just wasn't his night. Yeah. That was how I

felt. I just was getting knocked out by a shoulder. Cause like it was, I couldn't blame anything. It was just the worst. Lee, sometimes you just blow people's minds. You have that effect. You walk in there like, what the fuck? Oh, I guess. I've been listening, Lee. Anybody who's been following this fucking show was just starting. We've been talking about standup for 10 years. And this motherfucker moved to New York to do standup comedy. I mean, it's still like a dream to me that this fucking guy that used to sit in the room with all of us from Theo to Ralphie to, you know, that he picked

up little things, he used to go to this four wall place. He'd give them five dollars every night to sit there. I would go there too with him and fucking flick his ears. Oh yeah, you would do that. There were some retarded fucking people there. Yeah. And then we moved back and he continued to do it. And then he goes on the road with Josh Wolf and this is what a comic does.

And they have to pick a place. He picked New York, which was great to me because I'm down an hour from here, right? There's no way I'm coming up here every fucking day. But even tonight, you know Now I got the option if I want to go into the city real quick on over to the stand I go and come back as long as you get on that You got to beat the Lincoln tunnel closes at 12 or something like that. You got to beat the Holland tunnel Something crazy. And if the ferry closes?

The ferry shuts down. So if not, I got to take an Uber or whatever. But I don't know. We'll see how we feel after the fucking show. We got a couple things in this. Let's see how they kick in and shit. You know what I'm saying? Thank you for getting a comfortable chair. I appreciate it. This is tremendous. Oh, I'm going to end up on this chair. And I even got like a little thing here. It's like a psychiatrist chair. Like if you get too high, we'll just sit you down here

and we'll talk to you. What's going on with your life? Nothing. You know, I played the piano in the third grade, whatever the fuck you want to tell me. Right there, we got the little psychiatrist chair. We got the couch. We have me and Lee, it's these two.

If we get a fucking guest, I'll sit here. The guest will sit there and we got another beautiful fucking couch over there. And like I said, guys, we just set this up just to get the party started for tonight. I don't know who hated Zoom more, you motherfuckers or me. Okay, I fucking hate it. I couldn't do it anymore. Why do you hate Zoom so much? Because it just got old.

Because then everybody wanted to fucking Zoom. It was like everybody was Zooming. People go, what are you doing? Let's zoom. I don't want to fucking zoom. Okay with my luck I go on there and I hit the wrong thing. I wanted to zoom as least as possible And then the last year they've been zooming auditions Right, they've been zooming auditions. So if the person likes you they'll say set up a zoom before 30 and he reads for me You know how fucking off i'm reading into my fucking phone guys, because they don't want to bring a sin. Listen, all that shit's done with people are breathing on each other all the fucking

time. Look at the Mike Tyson fight the other night. If anybody was going to get covid, it's poor fucking Mike. You had 80,000 people breathing on them all going down saliva. You don't see Mike with a fucking mask on today getting on a fucking plane Listen, man. Everybody had shit to talk about that night. I Watched the fight. I it was not on my agenda. I was not gonna bet it on Drap Kings and all that shit. I Just you know, I was curious. I had eaten some mushrooms and I said, what the fuck? And I get home about 10, 15.

I had to go to CVS and pick up prescriptions. And that's the night I went for a little talkie talk. I'd smoke a little number, my little eek eek. And I get home, we put it on and it's the Spanish girls, the Spanish girl against the Irish girl. Then I switched it for a minute and I came back and they were still talking. I didn't know you had a press live.

So I sat there for like a fucking hour and saying, why are these people talking so much? Why are they fucking, what are they talking about? Look, I'm getting old. Shit chat. Listen, my wife wants some fucking. Everybody has the little portable vacuums now. Oh, the robot vacuums? The robot vacuums, the little tiny one that goes around.

So she got one by the fireplace. I don't know this shit. She don't tell me nothing. Right? Nobody knows nothing. I walk in the house, she's like, I got to go. Where are you going? I got to go here.

My wife is constantly fucking food shopping. You know what I'm saying? I never met a woman that every fucking day, raspberries, blueberries, you know. It's me and my daughter. So what happened with the vacuum? Okay. So, you know, I get home and I go, it was Sunday. My daughter slept out and

We picked her up about 10 And my wife said I'm just gonna take it home make a breakfast and alright I'm gonna go to the gym and then I call my wife after the gym and I go listen what's going on She's like I'm waiting for you Does I gotta go food shop? We gotta get this that this that you put a list out. out I did okay I go what time you want to go food shop. She goes one o'clock. I go you got bats in your head I'm gonna go to Jimmy's watch the football game for a little while But then I went to eat something because after the gym I was hungry I

Went to get something real quick and there was a line I said fuck it and I drove home and just made a protein shake now. It's ten after one. I go fuck it Let me watch. You know what go go fucking shopping I said fuck it and I drove home and just made a protein shake now. It's ten after one. I go fuck it Let me watch you know what go go fucking shopping. I'll watch my daughter and watch the football game My daughter's upstairs just laying there fucking doing homework. I go downstairs You know me my wife is out of house and I could kick off my sneakers Nobody's gonna bother me Nobody's got a question. My daughter is not gonna come down unless she's hungry or whatever.

So I'm sitting there, I go out to the garage, I bang on a couple fucking, I put a little mushroom gummy under my thing. I was already, I already had a couple mushrooms in me, so I was already feeling it. And I'm on the fucking chair just reading, because I didn't want to watch TV. And I hear boom, boom, boom. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Is somebody trying to break into my fucking house? I'm like, nah, it's daylight.

It's fucking 1 o'clock. Who would rob a house? I never robbed a house at 1 o'clock. You know what I'm saying? That's maybe like 10, 9, 30. That's a good time to rob a house. But 1 o'clock, there's 30. That's a good time to rob a house. But one o'clock there's neighbors. So I keep hearing this shit. And finally I go, is somebody breaking

into my daughter's fucking thing? So I just went and got a mallet and a knife. I got this big fucking Rambo knife. Jesus. I got the mallet and the knife. And I walk up the sledge slowly and I go and boom, and my wife my daughter's like what's going on why do you have a knife I go do you hear do you hear that and she goes no no I got the earphones on I'm playing Fortnite whatever the fuck they play and I'm like thank you another idiot you're in the house and you got fucking earphones on that's what I need in my life so I keep hearing boom boom boom and it's coming from the fucking fireplace and I go that's what I need in my life. So I keep hearing boom, boom, boom. And it's coming from the fucking fireplace. And I go, that's brilliant.

They're trying to break into a fireplace. But a guy comes once a month to spray around for mosquitoes or mice, whatever the fuck is out there. The town sends a guy and they fucking, so I'm like, this motherfucker came on a Sunday? I'm like, wait a second, let me go outside and get this. I was gonna go through the kitchen. I have a thing that I could see who's down there and I'm gonna, wait a second, let me go outside and get this cause I was gonna go through the kitchen.

I have a thing that I could see who's down there and I'm gonna throw the mallet on him. Down line one, one or the knife, whatever the fuck I was in the mood for to throw. So I go, there ain't nobody out there. I'm like, these fucking mushroom strips are getting out of control. Cause I go back downstairs, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I go upstairs, there it is a little fucking circle that that stuck and it keeps hitting the fucking wall back and forth It was supposed to make like a u-turn, but I got stuck on a shoe or some shit How fast was this thing going that you thought it was someone breaking into your house boom boom boom? Because it's stuck because going boom boom so after a while you're going what the fuck is going on? Oh? Have you ever had someone break into your house while you're there? Oh, I did I was a kid It was crazy. Maybe it was me I never know you worked in Massachusetts. No, I never worked in my seat Well, I will he was drunk and he tried he ripped the the screens off of this off the porch

He was drunk and he tried. He ripped the screens off the porch and he took a piss and then he gave up. That was like the legit. He tried the garage and my dad was crazy. He had those floodlights on so as soon as you stepped, you could see the whole yard. That's what I woke up to is him ripping the screens off of the screen He like his excuse was he thought it was his house So I don't know why he was ripping the screen off of the rest. Yeah good They give him time or they gave him like probation. I didn't follow it. I was like six

I usually got on the court. He scared me. I was playing with Mickey Mouse and I Was talking passed out That's fucked up with that. Something like that happens. It's happening a lot in the areas where people are getting home invasions. Yeah, you know, home invasions. Yesterday was 36 years as I had home invaded that poor bastard. He's probably getting flashbacks from yesterday. I feel bad for that dude.

I still call him. I still call Kent. I still call Kent. I'm thinking of calling him tonight and saying, hey bro, how you doing? But he's in New Mexico. He moved to Taos or something like that. So he's not in Tucson no more. Do you think about it as it leads up to it?

Every year, like I said it on stage somewhere, November is like my bad luck month. My mother died, I quit doing coke, and I kidnapped Bella. I have like three anniversaries on fucking November, the 8th, the 15th, and the 18th. And then I'm done till next year. I don't think it's shit till next year. That is fucked up how they merged it. It's over now.

Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's fucking it. 36 goddamn years. Isn't that what they were originally offering you 36 years or they threatened you with? No, they hit me with a charge that's called crime of violence and crime of violence. If you take it to trial, crime of violence means times two.

So whatever the jury gives you, you automatically got times two. That's why I didn't, I didn't consider going to fucking trial because I would have done, I would have just been getting out. I would have missed, I would have started a podcast in there called how to cook on the fucking iron, how to take a shower and you sink. They've been doing that on Instagram. Have you seen that? What? Like just in prison, they're like, they show you what the food is that day

They show you their little setups. I'm some good setups. They got great setups. They're like the Cubans Cubans good fucking You have to pay off to leave like they have like a like rugs a whole tea Like they have a flat like a like a TV TV not like a prison No, it's not the black and whites no more for 29 a month No, you could bring them into your cell now. They have those medium prisons This is what happens. Okay, I get 22 years All right, you got eight years you come in you got money you buy a chair You got a fucking you get some of your Arabian friends to send over carpet to you when you get out What do you think you give the carpet to right me cuz I'm a long-term

So everybody gives me shit after ten years. What happened? I have to go click something keep going after ten fucking years You have a ton of shit in your apartment, especially like 40 years. You got everything you can Lely's bongos You got everybody leaves you something. You don't say like they don't want to remember that you who wants to remember that shit in prison nobody Like that's a bongo. I had in prison like they don't want to remember that who wants to remember that shit in prison nobody Like that's a bongo. I had in prison. I don't want to see that motherfucker. I think I threw away everything I brought home socks Underwear, that's bad luck. I don't blame you. I didn't bring the natural people do they leave everything Except the Bible beaters they leave with the Bible like God and also you see him walk the fence and they see a liquor store And they throw the Bible up in the air. It's over Quick religion works in the prisons

I saw those mookyaks that come on them the Lord say listen the Lord and Savior or he needs a cocktail You'd be right back doing what you were doing. I'm not gonna be lying to me. I can't imagine 36 years later. That's crazy. To think like, Think of those people that do 20 fucking years. No, think of those people that do 20 years and they come out and everything is different. Your wife, your kids, you come out, you don't even know how to use a computer. You don't even know what an ATM machine is. I

Always think of this one kid that got arrested the night. I wonder the comedy tournament in Boulder He was dear friends with the people I was hanging out with he robbed a suitcase from a Kentucky Fried Chicken Thinking there was a bunch of money in there And there was about 500 bucks in there and they came and took them that was No, December 18th of 1991 that motherfucker just got out four years ago

He would get out for six months and get another eight years Think about that from 91 to like to town. They left not the them out doing COVID. So think about it. 91 to 2020. That kid spent his whole life in for you know that's 29 years in the system. 30 years in the system with answering to somebody. They come to your house and you're still, you know, you just last thing I heard, he's working, you know, he's got, even though he did 29 years, that motherfucker got like six kids. What? It's got like six kids. I don't know how the fuck he did it.

Don't ask me. I couldn't tell you, you know, I, because I still talk talked to his nephew me and his nephew. He calls me uncle Joey We used to find not this to that Okay, we're playing football in the yard. You try to fucking he was like 10 and we would play football He's a tough motherfucker, but he would always I would always hit the ball from his hand, right? Fumble and he'd yell you cheated you cheat cheat So even today when I talked to him, I go you cheated cheated. Fuck you. Motherfuck. I never cheated. And how did he knock his tooth out? You just wagged it by accident?

His tooth was loose. Oh, okay. And he came into like my fucking stomach or something and everything fucking fell out. One tooth, his dad was laughing. His dad was there. We were fucking dying. What six fucking kids? Six kids and he was in jail for 29 fucking years because every time he got out he spermed up some chick and then he went right back in there like fuck child support and they would call me I'll bring the kid on visitation day fucking every month two different bitches would come bring another butters maybe a carpet you know I'm saying that's what they do that

if you could tie it and there's women that like that. There's women that don't mind you going to prison. They don't got to deal with you. They'll fuck some old guy for money and then send you 20 bucks and they're happy. They show up with their head done, their nails done. The husband's like, what's going on in there? You're looking good, bitch. Yeah, I got a job. You got a fucking job.

You're sucking somebody's pipe. And he had, dog, I went to jail with a dude That was filthy rich and he had seven women He had seven kids with seven different women. How old was I when I got locked up 25 26? he was 26 he was a fucking stone cold Crip and They brought coke in to Colorado from LA shit. He got nailed That dude had seven motherfucking women because he bought him more cars And they brought Coke in to Colorado from LA and shit, and he got nailed. That dude had seven motherfucking women because he bought them all cars. And they all had kids.

Before they got a car, you got to give me a kid. You know what I'm saying? That's the way this works. There ain't no ring in my relationship. I'll fuck you. I'll get you a car. And then that said, there ain't no ring. But he would buy him tremendous cars he would

buy him like Subaru like the fucking sports car that Subaru made in 88 this SX or some shit like that the other one had like a Mercedes convertible this guy was banking. Did you ever have any were you in there long enough to have like anyone hit you up on the prison pen pal stuff? No. They have a whole thing. Well, yeah, I know. With a bunch of chubby women

that fucking haven't seen a dick in twenty two thousand years. Is it only women? There's no guys who just want to hang out like. Yeah, yeah, that's what I want. Letters from you telling me how exciting your podcast is. I'm saying that's what I want. Are you fucking kidding me? Hold on one second.

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That's code Joey for new customers. Play five and get 50 and plus six draft picks. Only on DraftKings Pick Six where the crown is yours. Now go have a good time. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. We're back bitches. Oh my God. Don't forget, Pick Six Draft Kings. I forgot what I was

talking about there for a second. I just got hit with one of these jokey fucking little pens. What are they called? Joke and Toke. Joke and Toke, a grammar weed in the fucking thing. You light it. If you're you're sick of smoking you put the cork back on it's like having an amyloid You know I'm saying you could stop shit whenever you want you stop your Man you are the like Zombo over here You know what a walk around at a normal just yawning looking fucked up, can you believe this? What do you mean? Okay, this is what I live with Stop yawning who could stop you you just go I'm not gonna you're no more And that's it wake up higher Yeah, say that to yourself, yeah

Who says yeah to them just say that that's how you wake up it that go the Chinese say it all the time No, they don't Find me one Chinese person who's ever said yeah ever in their life. That's how you got up in the morning Yeah, and that's fucking that gets you excited about the day. Oh Speaking about excitement man We were gonna talk about it before but somewhere we got a little Disconnected disembobulated here. It's the first podcast together in a room since we did it at my fucking living room with the cat, but uh

For a guy my age the Tyson thing was really interesting I mean people were talking shit after the fight online Jake Paul I mean people were talking shit after the fight online Jake Paul It wasn't really about Jake Paul. It was really about Mike Tyson and what this guy's fucking been through his whole life And now he got robbed and fucking you know, everybody robbed this poor bastard. Hold on The couch is not a virgin no more. Thank you saying yeah in a party till somebody farts on the couch It's an empty fart though. There's nothing in there. It was a protein shake. How do you know?

Because that's all I had. I had a bean and rice and cheese burrito after boxing. Yeah, that sounds like you're as well. With salsa. That's it. No meat, no nothing. But anyway, you interrupt. I'm so sorry.

Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson. So think about that man's been through. I don't know if you people really know or remember. Mike Tyson Mike Tyson So think about that man's been through You know, I don't know if you people will even know or remember a couple years ago. He lost a child on a treadmill I know a child on a treadmill, you know and then we were lucky enough to meet him do his podcast go down there a few times and He's a sweetheart of a fucking man

But there were times during the fight that I felt really bad. Like when he was walking in, I don't think he knew where he was. I really don't. At the end? No, in the beginning. He was walking in like, it's like something like somebody said, Mike, you know, I think you could fight three rounds. And he's like, yeah, I think so, you know, it's like talking to me

Hey, you have any interest in going to Europe? Yeah, I think so Yeah, good. And also those motherfuckers call you two days later and go hey you were talking about I could get a fight going And I can get Netflix to come on or whatever and then it just kept and then he got sick in June that's why they called it off right and what knows the reason I know he was in the hospital and he was very sick or something and then now November whatever he fights, you know, and people are talking shit, but it's like anything else anymore. You know, you show somebody a dollar bill and instead of going, oh, that's a

dollar bill. They go, it's dirty. It's got coke on it. You didn't you didn't get the fucking point. It's like when Bruce Lee smacked that little kid in the beginning of Enter the Dragon and he's telling them to throw a kick at me. And he goes, what did you feel? And he goes, let me think. He goes, you shouldn't fucking think about it. It should just come to you naturally. And he says something in there. He goes, something about looking, It's weird what people look at anymore. We're all looking to tear down people. I mean, it's you go online. I mean

My wife said to me she goes if you go online right now, they're tearing up this fucking the buffer thing It was netflix's first time but doing a live thing like that. I mean, it's fucking sports That's that's a lot of people and a lot of fucking houses How many fucking people saw that it was the second biggest Netflix show has to be millions compared to the roast So and you can rewind it like the for Netflix to be doing on any of this stuff is crazy That's where it's going. Mm-hmm Netflix fair chance. They flew Charlize Theron in there They had Shaq there. They had every fucking celebrity in the world down there. That cost money guys or they post said they're gonna give them a special or something.

Who the fuck knows? Who knows? You know? But I got to see this guy, you know, like I go to Jiu Jitsu and I got pissed off the second time I rolled because I can't finish five minute round And that's me fucking jumping up and down and lifting weights and I saw him at the end of the eight rounds I thought he was gonna fucking die and I know that feeling you just start getting tingles in your body You don't even want to move. Yeah, you're like, this is it. This heart's gonna blow up man

You know my fucking whoop watch is going This is it. This heart's going to blow up, man. You know, my fucking whoop watch is going, that means you're over the fucking threshold of one 50, your heart rate. Like I'm supposed to be at one 25, but then one 50 is where you should work out at us. I don't know. I'm no art specialist, but just all those things. That guy took a hell of a fucking chance and he got punched. He got a couple of times. I mean, somebody said, well, 16 minutes, I can do that stand on my head.

You know what, man? Not when you got Jake Paul in front of you. Right. Your heart is beating. In front of how many? Where was it? No, forget about in front of fucking 80,000 people. Right. That's what I mean. Yeah. I'm talking about in front of a 27-year-old, roided up fucking kid that is strong. If he hits you with a fucking left hook, you're going to see pigeons. I don't know who you are. You know, he's a strong fucking kid. Yeah. He hit Tyson a few times.

And if you watch the replay when he would hit him, Tyson would get hit and then block. Guys, when you're fucking after 45, you're taking a big chance because your reaction time is slower I mean, I don't know anybody see Aaron Rodgers play football lately It's not the same guy that we saw in Green Bay moving dodging, you know, you could actually start to see the aging Nothing bad about this ball. Most guys would just go home Okay for you and your look at fucking Brady Most guys would just go home. Okay for you and you look at fucking Brady

Brady looked fucking great and look at this kid with the fucking kid that plays on this team now LeBron Oh, yeah, LeBron spends eight million dollars a year on this fucking body And it works and you see it you fucking see it. That's what you need to be a high caliber athlete well Mike Tyson's 58 and he he's in la He was trained by rafael codero and he's in the land of fucking supplements and sun Nothing could have helped him go. He was probably on testosterone If that helps, you know a human girl, I don't know what he was on But he had to be on something to recuperate.

Oh my God. But you think that he was, was he not going super hard or just, you know, at 58, eight rounds is a fucking long time. Two minute rounds with a two minute break. Yeah, you could do that with a punching bag. I could do that standing on my head with a punching bag. Two minutes, take a breather, take a hit off a joint,

but you got a monster in front of you. And every time he hits the body, that takes away from your breathing. Every time they hit your head, but you could see, if you see when he would connect with him, he would like, the hand would be here and he'd go, it was too late, he already got hit. You know?

I'm not laughing. This is just what happens for you guys right now, because I seen a bunch of old people, old guys play shadow boxing at the gym. I went to the gym today, it was like three dudes shadow boxing, ah, too many of these old guys watching Mike Tyson fight. There's gonna be a bunch of old guys

getting their ass kicked pretty soon. Every day, some old guy gets knocked out in the Bronx. He's gonna go out with his little fucking shorts on that he had when he boxed in 1922 And he's gonna challenge somebody they're gonna knock him the fuck out. Trust me. Take a ride this week to your local parks Not in Colorado. It's snowing like a motherfucker, but take a ride to your local parks. You're gonna see one old guy fucking shadow That's what dream and the gym today. I'm not fucking kidding you

Do you have they ever asked you to ever do one of those no liberty ones? No and I would never fucking do it. Why would I do it? I know who I am. First I got a bum fucking knee. Right. I got a fake fucking knee. I got a whatever. You see me here. When I go for the court, I fucking almost tumble over with this fucking thing. I go to fucking Pilates once a week to learn how to stand on my leg. I do it all, but I know I don't have my lung dead done. 30 years of cocaine, 50 years of smoking dope, something's got to fucking, some tube in there ain't working like it used to. Because every time I get excited, you see I got to go pee. I pee 80 times a day, dog dog I landed and I had a pee I peed right outside I don't even have time to walk down the stairs. It'll blow out of me at this age really. Yeah, it'll blow out of me

I got paper towels. I got water in the car. I got lice all wipes You know me times my dick blows up on the turnpike? I can't even take it no more. I pull over to pee and I don't even give a fuck. I just make sure I'm not close to a school or a girl's school or something. Like I'm close to like a factory because they'll get you for that perversion shit. But I'm showing you dick to kids just because you're peeing in the park that nobody's around. There ain't nobody around except the tree. If the tree is not fucking 18, what the fuck? You ever ask the tree?

No, but you know, if you cut the fucking tree, every line in the tree is how old the tree is. If you read, you didn't know that. I knew that. No, you don't. Israeli people don't know that shit. Indians know that shit. I haven't run into that.

I've almost shit my pants a couple of times. You ever I peed the badger was talking about today as a dude a million I okay, remember what your mattress look like. Yeah one circle. No, they they got the inside of a fucking tree Okay, all little circles and then as you get old you get the cum ones. It's just a little puddle You can see that there's a little fucking leaf growing out of it. You know what I'm saying? Your pot your cum leaves them stain Lately, I don't know these are jokes There's a joke I was still thinking about that I peed the bed till I was 12 and I didn't after the first time I got I had the rubber mattress thing

Like the problem have a rubber mattress now You know, I haven't peed in the bed in a long time Like the problem have a rubber mattress now, you know, I haven't peed in the bed in a long time I'm gonna eat that people make excuses for fucking peers like oh, yeah, we didn't want to pee or sleep He watched he must have saw a fire before he went to bed. Really really he saw fire every fucking night You know, they always had it. You know, he drank too much water I used to almost I peed the bed a month ago, but I'm The bed listen to what I did I went to get up, but I fell asleep side Speed I didn't even know My wife talked about someone she was at the side of the bed

And the pee came out of the side and my dog. I'm telling you I take so many peas at night I get up Some nights I kick the cat. Fuck, it's brutal. So I peed, dog. This is what it is to be 61. I fucking pee and I drink. I drink a lot of shit throughout the day. So it's got to come out.

Holy shit. So you were like passed out and you just kept peeing? I guess. I don't know. There was a comedian that got so coked up in Vegas. He went on stage and he pissed himself until this day. He said he didn't even feel it. The pee coming out. How much coke do you have to do not to feel the pee coming out of your fucking

dick in front of 200 people? And they they're like what the fuck is going on I feel so much better now He pays himself better now because i've never peed myself on stage. Thank god Holy shit Who was the guy I was thinking about him? Who like laid down and started doing his material? Like he was on coke or something. I don't know know I thought I just have this image of this guy lying down I don't know. There's a couple guys that live down, but I don't fucking know now. I'm all confused. I got my own problems

You know I can't even do 45 minutes shit. You know what i'm saying? I'm all i'm too old I did 40 last week. I did like 37 38. It wasn't my best show guys But guess what? I'm coming back. My mind is starting to come back and that's all that fucking matters. And I've been writing a lot lately.

And it's not funny. I know it. I could tell you right off the bat, that ain't funny. But I also know that that's time. That's time served. That's what I know after doing comedy for so long, that I'm gonna have 10 of those pages with nothing and then I also write in the fucking journal So I'm gonna have ten or twelve of those pages, but then they might one day it's gonna come out

Yeah, one fucking day one thing and I'm gonna grow with that and that's what happened You just got to stick to that You got to get the muscles back if you don't write every day, and I always write something in my head, you know that, that I'm always thinking, cracking jokes to myself. But to write a joke and to space them and put them together and where you want, that's a different fucking animal. And you can tell on paper if it's funny? I could listen.

If I'm writing at that level, I'm also getting fucking stoned. Right. And I got to make myself laugh. Like that's the whole thing when you have to put the fucking pen down and go, oh my God, what will they say when they hear that? When I get thrown out of the club and then you start adding things by yourself. But it's usually you've been sitting there for an hour. That's why I tell people when that's why I tell people when you sit there with a notebook, it's not the first half hour. You're not going to get deck. It's like watching a movie in your house.

People are going to text you. Oh, I need a peanut butter cup. Whatever the fuck you do to kill time. And then the last five minutes you come up with two good things that could grow on and then on stage one of those things but I know for a fact that Listen, you gotta hit that notebook every day even with stupid shit. I say stupid shit, you know We got to put it all together and then you have to see what's going on in your life people want to hear what the fuck Is going on with your life? Mm-hmm. Like what is really the nuts and bolts of your life? How do you feel about that? Yeah, dude, you were teasing me a little bit last night, but I've watched the last couple of nights

I've watched two of Tom Papa's latest specials and He does a fantastic job writer. Oh, yeah That's why I wait writer and his delivery is so deadpan and so... And he repeats stuff. I just watch this stuff now to try to learn a little, but he has a special, I think it's four years ago, and it's talking about you're doing okay. And his whole thing is like, you know, you're doing fine, but you're a piece of shit. And just the way he did it

was was I Don't know. I that's one of the few spot like that's how I know a special is good when I can rewatch it Because I don't really watch many specials You know, I Started watching the special the other day the girl Diplomate oh or something like that that I already with Louis oh, yeah, Adrian peluche Adrian peluche She was pretty good. Yeah, I've seen her I haven't seen this But it's pretty fucking damn good the first 20 minutes that I saw and then again

Something happens. Yeah Somebody fucking bothers you with a question when you zoomed in that's why we were discussing the movie theaters till this day I'm a tater guy, you know I just went and my wife is one of those motherfuckers that once she tells you like the other day. Hmm She comes downstairs. She goes I'm gonna go for a walk In the morning, she always leaves at 7 Once we put mercy on the bus at 715. My wife goes after her

Then she walks the neighborhood She used to walk the park put the deer around she got chased that's why i got chased by the fucking fox i got chased i don't even go up there unless i'm gonna you think i'm kidding you bro i used to walk in the softball field up there and one day i saw a little fucking deer whatever doe whatever they fucking call him he was all no, no, fuck this little deer. He was all skinny. And next thing you know, I didn't say nothing to this little motherfucker.

I just was sitting there looking at him. He was like 60 yards away. I saw the mother jump the fence and come towards me. Like she thought I was gonna fucking shoot him with a bow and arrow. I had nothing on me. I had nothing. I had no guns, I had nothing.

And she attacked you? The mother went to attack me. I had to fucking run through the nothing. And she attacked you? The mother went to attack me. I had to fucking run through the fence, but she was in the fenced area. I just happened to the fence was like 20 feet from where I was standing. She was running towards me. Jesus.

So I don't go up there no more. I say, fuck it. But my wife walks up there, but now that it's cold, you know, she walks the neighborhood and shit. So what we talk, how do we get to her? I don't know. So, you know, she'll tell me like, I'm going to go for a walk. They should go up and down the stairs three times. I'm like, what's the story? How many times are you going to go up and down? That's what

I live with. Like I'm writing a joke at fucking 715 in the morning, 720. I'm in, I already did three bonk hits. I took a shit, I fucking drank water, I did everything. I drank a fucking- Liquid IV? Liquid IV, I've done everything, I'm ready to go. I already put $25 in DraftKings and $1 bills to see if I get to slots in the morning, that's the best time to hit the slots in the fucking morning and late at night, or when a big sporting

event is on. I think I won like $82 the other day playing fucking while Mike Tyson was getting beat up because when there's a good event on the casino is empty. So they're like we need you to stay for a little while. So I just go on fucking DraftKings casino. You don't know how many fucking times I go voila I'm home for the day. I take my shoes off. I take three hits off the pipe. I pee I wash my hands Now she's upstairs I can hear her my daughter upstairs The minute I draft I put draft kings in the 25 bucks

I can hear her starting to make her way down But as soon as I hit the jackpot, the three things, she's right there standing behind me like a fucking kiss of death. Focus. So I always don't get the three red ones. I always got a red one, a yellow and a blue. And I'm like, I always get a blue when you're around. When you're not here, I get two reds and a fucking yellow. I know the body get the most out of DraftKings.

She's got that type of luck. Like she always comes down at the the fucking yellow. I know the body get the most out of draft cakes. She's got that type of luck Like she always comes down at the wrong fucking time this times I'm getting hot and sticky with a joke and I'm giggling and I'm putting YouTube on I'm fucking around all sudden. I Coming down and she's doing laundry. I'm like, why are you doing laundry? I started washing my ass now when I go in the fucking shower I get two minutes of heat and then cold water, which has never happened, but you don't wanna have the laundry on the morning.

Why? You want that water to be hot. You know what I'm saying? You're killing me with this shit. She said, I didn't know. You didn't fucking know. And then she'll go upstairs. Then she'll come back down.

Listen, there's no apples. Do you mind the pie? Listen, I don't give a fuck. You got a pineapple or an apple. Listen, there's no apples. Do you mind the button? Listen, I don't give a fuck You got a pineapple an apple. I eat whatever you got Then she'll come down again. Breakfast is ready. You couldn't yell from upstairs You can't see i'm laser focused in when she gets up She gets her coffee and goes right into her office. I never hit that door because I don't want to hear in the morning That's the last motherfucker. I want to hear

I don't even look at the phone anymore. Like you ever look at the phone in the morning. That's the last motherfucker I want to hear. I don't even look at the phone anymore. You ever look at the phone in the morning? I don't even do that because I always wake up to some stupid text message from somebody I don't even know or, hey, I found this on Instagram at 2 in the morning. Give me a fucking break. I don't even sleep with the phone in my room. It stays on the whoop. I charge it and I put the whoop sleep so I know what the fuck I'm doing if I'm falling asleep, if I'm breathing heavy, but this effect like it really effect

It seems like it affects you a lot the what like you just people walking by you No, because you're focused on something right you ever try to work on something and somebody keeps coming at the wrong time You're right there trying to figure out that mathematical fucking question. You're like 60 times And all of a sudden somebody comes in and goes, hey, I'm picking you up at 215. Fuck. Now you threw me the fuck off now. I'm trying to figure out 300. How you doing with 215?

You can't come in here and tell me, fucking God bless you. No, you have to come down here and hit me with a number. Now I got my ear all fucked up. I gotta go get it fucking they're gonna go they took a fucking fat ball out of the lobe the other day they took it out and then it was on the fucking hook it just sat there like a little pop of reanna it looked like a little fucking potato ball dog i don't know what's in my fucking ear no more?

Look at this poor bastard. Here we go. Hey, Joey. This is what I wake up to Hey, Joey I was wondering if we could be willing to do a Skype and say a few words from my comedy roast December 23rd December 27th, you don't have to go anywhere. You could do it. I'm like guy. It's only seventh You couldn't have a roast on April 8th, like every other fucking moron the 27th of December. I got things to do I got the jewel. I'm saying I'm a fucking steak shack. I mean has anybody had the you log Chocolate shake at steak shack or shake shack. Whatever. No, it's taking change my my daughter bought it the other day I took a sip cuz that she got braces now that fucking animal I made her a fucking she had braces like that. I'm hungry. I'll make your milkshake

This is the first day she got the braces. I made her a chocolate I made vanilla and I looked into you know, dope it up and I saw chocolate chips So I put them in there those beauty ones are novel. She's like dad. I got chocolate chip in my braces I thought the blender took care of them. She's been on fucking milkshakes for three days. So the other day she brought that home. It was fucking delicious. I'm like, you didn't bring a whole one for me?

It's gotta be 3,001 calories. Oh yeah, but I love them. What is it? You said you'll log? Chocolate with like a white cream on top and a bunch of sprinkles and shit. I just got a little fucker and I was like, God damn that chocolate's good. Sometimes you need a good chocolate shake. Yeah, they had Mr. Softy in Harlem today.

Did you stop? No, I couldn't. You didn't chase him? I've thought about it. I got, I, dude, every, I feel't. You didn't chase him? I've thought about it. Dude, I feel like you do that. Whenever I'm trying to be good, I feel like you have like an in with certain restaurants. So like, you'll just tell them, come up with the stuff,

like McDonald's comes up with stuff that I've always wanted to try. You don't think I want to try a chicken Big Mac? You don't think? But why? Why chicken Big Mac? You don't think I... But why? Why not? Because I'm high and it's there and it's going to taste good if it's hot. You're not going to taste good.

You're going to feel really shitty about yourself and you're going to feel shit the next day. You're going to eat a shit blood or a bone. That's tomorrow's problem. Why would you do this? It's like my brother here. I'm not going to eat it. I'm not eating it. This fucking guy goes to a diner. He never knows before. We got 22 diners in the area. Now my brother, he's got to go to a diner.

I don't know. I stopped over there. Why would you stop over there? We grew up at the fucking diner on Bergen Boulevard. Grew up in it. I still remember in the eighties going in there for the total fucking corn muffin, but this genius, he wants to broaden his horizons yet to get a cheeseburger You know saying I can see if you want to walk that for chicken Marsala cheese. Oh shit my past. That's what you get He's not what you want to do with your race shit. I don't chicken McDonald's sandwiches be my fucking guest We live in America wait the car ifK became fucking president whatever the fuck they do Dazaar to fucking help us

So they're gonna get now the mcdonald's the way they like the chair. It'll be hell With the best they could do is close that motherfucker down. That's true But I haven't ever do it because mickey d the father will give fucking trump two two million dollars and there goes You keep putting sugar in the french fries See, that's the problem you have so then you have to decide what you want to fucking do. Oh, right, but I like They all right. What what what I don't know where this started I just know that you it always feels like when I'm started like trying to do something they come up with shit I feel like it's you like oh, that's how was with the mr. Soffi. No, I can't stop at mr. Soffi at 11 in the morning

Yeah, but I call mr I feel like you do call this outside your house and fucking ring his belt. Yeah, you got some fucking wild imagination You would do that right? I could see if you said joey, you know Somebody stealing my underwears and selling the whole people for the small 10 dollars to sniff them. I have been missing underwear. Is that you? No. I swear to God. You really to old people? I don't fucking know. I'm just saying I could see you may think coming up on the radar. Right. But what would I have to do?

That means I have to give Mr. Sultan 20 bucks to go to your fucking neighbor. And I feel like you would do that. Stand outside. Yeah. If he was selling poison, you know, if he was putting poison in the ice cream. I thought I was just trying to... Give the small 50, go over there and don't leave till Lee comes out.

Hit him with the Jerry Jones mix, the Jones, the guy in Guyana. Oh my God. Fuck you. This poor bastard. Who? That's what I live with. You understand? What do you mean?

This is what you create. Four years without a podcast and we sound like fucking, you know, freaking frack over here. We're supposed to bring joy. I'm very happy. And I can see you're sitting there half retarded again for the 80th time and then we didn't even go heavy. What do you mean we didn't even go heavy Milligrams 200 milligrams of ABX and

Mushroom dry with one eye closed. Yeah, but no one does that That's why because you got to keep training. No one can train no more You forgot all about this shit and this is why I'm happy you're back. You're back to training the Israeli way This is crime. I'm happy you're back you back the training the Israeli way. This is crowd Israelis do this this is the crowd my god way to do it You think they the crowd my god people just go in there and they fight people. No, they make them do different things They spray them with mace. Right? That's what makes you the crowd my god guy. That's what makes crowd my god so special So one of those fucking Tuesdays when Aaron goes they fucking give them edibles they drink that water It's from Israel and they drink the water now. They're all fucked up and you got to fight people

Ah, you got to fucking make all those noises and fucking you know, I Had no idea that crowd my god was so serious. Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to say to you It's as serious as you make it right, but you don't stop training You know It's it's all fucked up. But now that you're here, we got you again. Well, thank you. Not everyone has access. Dude, you try to go to dispensary anywhere in the world and find anything like that.

What? What? 800 milligrams. Dude, I would be eating gummies all day to take 200 milligrams. Yeah, but we don't even show up with those. I know you don't, but I wasn't here for a while. I showed up with hash. I got all the goodies for tonight. I know you- Chocolate bar from fucking Funk Factory Farms, which was dope. That was good.

The salted chocolate caramel, did you taste it? It tasted delicious. Fucking delicious. And we had the fucking gummy, not the gummies, the under the tongue under the tongue bread strips. She don't even didn't hit you yet. And we've been smoking. What the fuck didn't hit. Can you believe this poor bastard? Yelling and screaming like Kennedy's son over there. The fuck is wrong with you. I don't know. They're yelling.

I don't know. But RFK is going to change all this shit and you can't just eat whatever they fucking want no more. And like bagels used to be good, like, you know, can't even no more. They got a bunch of shit in them. Don't digest right in your stomach. I don't give a fuck. I'm still going to eat a good Staten Island bagel. That doesn't deter me from anything, but I'm'm not gonna eat them every day is one of my pointers

No, and I don't think I don't think those are the bagels are putting shit in like the Staten Island ones I would trust all the ones that you get at the supermarket and take them home like you do. I don't buy them Sara Lee fucking bagels. I went to his house once You never went there and saw Sara Lee bagels and fucking rice patties You never went there and saw Sara Lee bagels and fucking rice patties rice cake Better than that fucking papillon ate better than that. Oh, it's fucking rice Papillon is Steve McQueen. He was in the movie. They threw him in a prison. He was eating cockroaches He would love a rice cake

Listen papillon I stand by rice cake happy. Papillon was in solitary confinement for a year He would never break down for a rice cake. He'd spit it back at the people. He was hitting the highest protein he was eating roaches and lizards and And you think he would say no to a caramel rice cake? Fuck yeah, that's for pussies I got time for carbs. That's a different story. You got no time for carbs in prison when you got no light you're doing push-ups I think you would fucking love it What do you got this week cocksucker this week? I'm at Parks Casino on Thursday Oh shit and Friday and Saturday. I'm with Josh Wolf in Des Moines. Oh shit, Des Moines, Iowa City of excitement. All right, what else they have they have a pizza place with they put Chinese food on the pizza

I was gonna make it a surprise for you. What do you think about that? They have like an orange chicken one and a crab rangoon one. Go down there and knock yourself out. Don't come crying to me with a crab rangoon sitting stuck in your asshole. Cream cheese and mozzarella pizza. Who does that? That thing's gonna get wedged in your ass.

That little fucking wonton is gonna be sticking like that. You're gonna have three black dudes in Iowa trying to pull out of your asshole. How do you think it's gonna get in my asshole? Because it's not gonna come out of your intestines. Why am I eating this wonton whole? Because how are you gonna eat the wonton? If you put it on a pizza? I'm gonna chew.

It's called like Mr. Fong's. Okay, you go hang out with Mr. Fong. I'll be right here eating fucking nice Chinese food. Fucking you're gonna get Chinese food in Iowa. You don't listen. Those are the left over motherfuckers. It's not Chinese food, it's pizza. The only Chinese people that left to Iowa are the ones that left off from building the

tracks. The trains. Those might make good food. And you remember they threw all, remember they used to throw them over the ledge with the stick of dynamite. What? Gino, come here. Throw them over the ledge with the stick of dynamite Well, you know, come here Stick a dynamite boom That's the reason why there's Chinese people in Colorado and fucking Iowa

Because they did the trains and they're part of a non-book Network that brings heroin into the country. That's why all those little cities have fucking heroin I didn't know didn't know that shit. See, Uncle Joey here to fucking break it. You think they're all you goofing on them going ha ha ha. We all want town soup. These motherfuckers are making $6 million a month pushing heroin, growing weed now. They grow fucking weed. Didn't you watch the Stallone show? In the restaurants? This is what I got to live with. Yeah, they grow it in the back. No, you don't fuck. The restaurant is a front. Oh, okay.

For that restaurant in Cheyenne, Wyoming, that's always been a front for some of you. You think Chinese people want to live in fucking Wyoming? There has to be a couple of them. No. When they're calling China, we're in Wyoming. Yeah. Let me send you a postcard from Wyoming. They're there for like a year.

It's like the mafia They send them out there for six months Then they bring them back go out there and take care of things go out there and handle things and you go out there But you think any decent chinese person? Comes on that fucking boat to come over here to live in demoin, iowa Is that what you're fucking telling me? I get there but has to be a five or six You don't think that you don't think that Chinese people were interested in

Fucking spun the thing and he pointed at San Francisco, right? Okay, that's a lot of them. Just go he's born in San Francisco So he went back to China and he knew he had to go back to San Francisco nobody Looks at the more now it's got to a by the way, they send you there, listen to me, you're gonna eat for free all the fucking all the spare ribs you want. Just look at me. I don't know what Ming is doing with the heroin. I don't know what they're doing with the fireworks.

I don't know what the you know, right. What's going on with the fucking bottle rockets? You know, I'm just trying to fucking figure out that's why they send them out there. I didn't know all of them were in Chinese restaurant Austin. Remember when you were gonna go up there Yeah, good. I knew like really dark skinned. Remember they didn't look like regular Chinese people from Jersey. They had like a dark Complexion to them. They weren't Chinese. I had no idea They were like, I don't know people who fucking I don't even know You have a lot of conspiracy theories. I don't know cuz I'm just telling you truth

How would there be a Chinese guy in Des Moines, Iowa? I'm gonna go to Des Moines open up a fucking restaurant. Let me explain some to you. These people don't think like this They want to fuck and not these people nobody thinks that way You know except for my buddy who became a multimillionaire by opening up a bagel place at Mississippi. Right. You follow me? Why you gotta get me on? I'm trying. That's the whole point. Yeah. I'm fucking hungry. I got to pee and now you want to be here again. This is all I do. My resume is comedian beer. I'll be right back. Talk to this.

We're back. I shouldn be right back talk to this. No We're back I shouldn't have said that i'm wrong Because my friend from freehold new jersey He owned the vitamin store down there and he moved to idaho And I asked him how was his wife gonna adapt because she's from thailand. Okay And he goes you're not gonna believe to believe it. They have a small Thai community. So maybe I'm wrong. No, but you're making jokes. I didn't think you were being serious. No, but I mean, like, listen, when I was going, when I lived in Boulder, I used to go to a

Chinese restaurant in Cheyenne and I would always ask myself, why these fucking people here? Right. Right. Like not in a bad way. I would go, why these Chinese people here? There's no other Chinese people on the block. When they walk home, these people never saw a Chinese person before in their life. They'd be like, fuck it, you know, chung, chung, chung. You know, they're racist or whatever. Why would they live here? Well, maybe they got arrested on the restaurant. It's that successful.

But it wasn't a big restaurant like, like the one by my house, Crown Palace or one on Staten Island. It was just a little hole in the wall So you got to figure what else are they doing? Right? Oh, yeah, I know, you know, what else are they doing, you know, so That's what I always think about everyone. What else would they be doing? They got to be making six figures, dude You had the theory about the fruit people And I was right. They were right of them. They caught one of them. You got if you're gonna do something like that run a cartel To get that to make that much money. You'll have to launder and you have to launder in plain sight

How many fruit stands were across the street from each other? L.a. Oh, yeah, like a cross across it's like you just try and there's a fruit stand There's a and all of them got the same thing for a dollar fifty and They're out there, you know doing that thing. Come on dog And what they were was that's where they get the money when the guy comes up from while rise or whatever the fuck He comes up and he shoots back down He stops to get an apple and they give him a bag of fruit, which is really a bag of money because they give it You're in a plastic bag Yeah, they give it to you in a plastic bag. So it's kind of like after a while you're like, why they cross the street from somebody.

Even Spanish people know I'm going to I'm not going to hang on the sun all day to have my competitor across the street with the same knife and the same knife. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, they got the same knife. They all have fucking machete. Jesus. Yeah. And you never think about that.

You never think people don't think about that I would think our network is Created a criminal network or whatever the fuck you want to do is create it when I went to Aspen They had a place out there called Far East Treasures It was like one of the grocery stores in Harlem the wheat stores in the 80s You want to never have one you want a bag of potato chips? The wheat stores in the 80s you went in there to have one you and a bag of potato chips Bailing business sell potato chips. They sound 20 dollar bags out there

All fucking day long. What was Far East Treasures doing an Aspen? They had one carpet worse than this one and a poster of fucking some Indian country. That was it That's all they had nobody was ever in there selling carpets. They were selling blow dude I get so mad when I go to bodegas like that. I'm like, everything's stale. I'm the only one buying snacks. I didn't know. Jesus Christ. Why would you buy snacks?

Who doesn't want a snack sometimes? What kind of snacks do you get at a bodega? I don't know, I've got a bag of chips. I got- No, why would you go to a bodega? You gotta get the coconut shit. Those, you're going to real bodegas. They gotta be a Puerto Rican there and they have the little croquettes. They got empanadas. They have so many different kinds. They got fucking, uh, those other things that Puerto Ricans eat. Yeah.

The coquito is good. That fresh coconut grated with sugar, sugar and more sugar. That's what you need to walk up those stairs. I get so winded. And every time like any time I have someone with me, it's like the most embarrassing. He's like, you try to hide it, but there's no way you can. Just tell him, I gotta stop here. There's a leak on this floor. That's what I do.

When I get winded, I just stop and make believe somebody caught me. Oh yeah. I know I can get up. It's just, I can't talk for a couple of minutes. That's what I do. I just make believe some, like if somebody's waiting for you, they're like, Hey, he's here. And you're walking. I got out of a car. I'm winded. I gotta pee. I ain't going to make it. So I just walk a little bit and when they, Hey, hold on.

And I just breathe, make believe that's it nobody fucking knows you gotta you know I know outside the box cocksucker why be Jewish I have no other choice I'm doing good I'm excited that we got the podcast kicked up tonight we just wanted to do this to see uh we don't know if it's good or it's not good and we don't give a fuck for us. This is success because We haven't done shit in four fucking years We're back. Things are cleaner. We got an office. We got a fucking space and we're back motherfuckers. I will be at a You're gonna be uncle Vinnies no, I'm sorry. Shut the fuck up. God. So let me do the ads. I will be at It's sold out anywhere. They want Morris planes on Wednesday the 20th

We got an open mic to 26 at the American Comedy Hotel That's sold out and Philadelphia sold out. You know, I'm telling you people this I got the fort that sold out in Jersey City and I'm telling you people this. I got the fourth, that sold out in Jersey City. And then I'm adding a show at the Vogel. Maybe, I do not know. I need to think about it and see where my endurance is at. Again, I'm too busy on the 27th. I gotta do a Skype for this fucking Momo.

Can you believe that? This is like the third year in a row. And last year, the Skype went under. Like it broke. I just tell them, I do what I do to most people with the fucking Skype and all that. I go on and I press that button dark and download the app. I'm trying. I'm not trying. I'm in the garage smoking. I gave up. I don't want to be on your fucking Skype or your Zoom. Do you see what I deal with? That's every time that 20 times a day

20 times you can probably get like an AI thing and just train it to respond to your text for you He what do you mean like the AI will answer these people? Yeah, like why I can't be rude I just it's gonna be nice. December 27th is not a good date to do anything. I got kids I got people gonna come over the house George you who the fuck knows but I don't want to sit there all night going, I gotta do a Skype to listen. Nobody wants to fucking do a Skype on a roast. Either you're there or you ain't there. What the fuck is wrong with people? I agree with you. And you know, I try ladies and gentlemen, but this is the shit that drives me fucking crazy. I'm hungry as fuck tonight. What are you going to get? Everything. I'm like that fucking hooker in Korea, in Vietnam, but the guy asked me,

me so horny. What do you get for $10? Everything. Anything you want. Anything you want. Shit. But that's the church. Like I said, we don't know if this is good enough. We got guests lined up straight though fucking after New Year's Guess that you heard us talking about before this is gonna put the face With the fucking story and then we're gonna throw some curveballs at you. You know how we do it. We're just getting started That's it. And that's that I love you and we'll be back next Tuesday Tip top Magoo ready to to rock. Stay black, cocksuckers. Hit em Lee. Love you guys.

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