Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The edible hoof

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Joey has learned over the years that sometimes you have to create your own fun. This week, Joey tells Lee about Mercy's first time on stage and why he does NOT want her to be a comedian, and how much he loves watching people lose their mind in public. SHOW NOTES Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free, just press in promo code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and get $5 off your next Magic Spoon order at https://www.magicspoon.com/CHURCH  

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with the savage of love, Lee Syatt for another fun-filled episode of the Church New Testament. It's August the 5th. What do you want to do? Let's get this party started. Hey, it's Uncle Joey here.

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Get that Magic Spoon. Kick this motherfucking Neil Lee. We're back you savages. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. The fall is in the air. What's going on little brother? I've been having a great week. We had a fun week last week. Yeah, we did. What did you end up doing this week?

And mama came back? You went to the Google. I can't tell you anything. I can't tell you anything. Anytime I'm doing anything sort of... Who the fuck is the Google Doll? I don't know. It's her concert. So what the fuck? You should have gave her a bus ticket. I will say, I grew up in the early 2000s. If you grew up around then, you'll know some of their songs. Yeah, I know some of their songs. They're from Buffalo, New York. Yeah, they were really cool. And it was, they did, you know what? the venue was fucking awesome What was the venue the Jones Beach like oh remember like on the water? Yeah, that's a good place I the seats she got the seats fucking like eight well

It was the best seats I've ever had to anything like eight rows back You could my biggest thing is that like a concert? I feel like I'm being like crowded there there were seats, and like it was like an older crowd, so like people sat for like the songs, like the new songs, they just sat for the songs they didn't like, and it was- Did you hold hands and hug each other like that faggot at the Coldplay concert? Not like that. You hold them like that, and both look at the band, if I could be seen-

I wanna show you the world. Yeah, no. No Aladdin song. Yeah, he has a fucking free cake. No. All right, as long as it was his song. But it was a good time. I'm happy you went. I'm very happy you went.

It was cool. You know what was really cool was Dashboard Confessional Open. And I haven't been to many concerts, but I thought it was gonna be like a local band, like kind of like a comedy show, like a local band feature and then the headliner. And they did a good job,

because like when we got there, they were playing to like a mostly empty place. And by the end of their set, of course, like it gets to be really full. But like I've never seen a band like warm the crowd up. Like he even said, like, it's my job, so I need you guys to get crazy. And like he did stuff outside of just being like a musician.

I've never seen that. Like, I'm like warming, and it helped. Like it got the crowd going right before the main guy. It's crazy that it's the same with comedy. Right. Like now you understand your job a little better from going to see a music act. Yeah.

You know, and it's like like you run into all these feature acts and they'll tell you, oh yeah, I blew away the headline. Well, you didn't go for a good show. You went for your own personal shit. Mm-hmm. And now you see what a team effort is. That's why I like bringing my own guys to work with me because, and I learned that from Rogan,

because nobody's trying to hurt each other. We're all working in unison to make the show the best that we can make it. Whether it's eight openers or two openers, both of those openers are gonna be fucking good and we're all in unison to make the show that much fucking better. So I'm happy, I told you, a lot of comedy shit

I've learned from watching musicians, AKA singers. Singers, the music is funneled to the audience by that singer, and you don't even know what he's fucking doing. You don't know what he's doing till you leave there and go, fuck, Mick Jagger didn't stop dancing all night. This guy didn't stop jumping up and down all night. That energy feeds on the fucking audience.

Nobody's better than Mick Jagger because Mick dances to the song. And if the song is kind of like satisfaction, Mick goes a little nuts, as nuts as he could go at 80. Oh, he's still going nuts? Yeah, he'll dance. I thought this was like 50 years ago, he was going nuts. I don't know what he's gonna do now,

I don't know if they're gonna come back now. I don't know, you know, right, he's 80, right? Mick Jagger's 80, that's a different fucking animal. But with the money they got, they could do two shows a week. Right. 82. 82?

82. With the money he's got, he could do 80 shows a week. Right. 82. 82? 82. With the money he's got, he could do two shows a week for about a month, and then 80 fucking two, guys. I mean, he's still fucking. So if you're fucking, you could still wiggle a little bit. He just had a kid, wow, good for him. Yeah, he just had a kid, all these motherfuckers. But the other thing, good for him. Yeah, he just had a kid, all these motherfuckers. But it, like the other thing, every time I see music, and this was more of a subdued band,

but the energy musicians have when they're performing live, like sometimes I feel like if I'm tired at standup, I feel like if I'm listening to what I can hear in my voice, that I sound tired. Like them jumping up, I don't, you can't be tired and do that shit, I don't think. Like the energy, I think they're great with that. Listen, it's showtime.

So whatever's going on in your life comes to an end. When you go up in front of a live audience, the adrenaline from the audience, the excitement, the energy from the audience should wake you to fuck up. I know, who's gonna sleep in front of 100 people. I can't sleep with one guy talking to fucking TV. Could you imagine 100 fucking people yacking amongst themselves?

No. So think about that, okay? We discussed this last week also. This is one of the biggest parts of comedy. And Doug Stanhope taught me this, but before Doug taught me this I figured a little bit of this out on my own. When you're... what does professional mean? A professional means two things that no matter if your asshole's

bleeding, your mother's in the hospital, your cat died, when it's 8.05 all that goes away for 45 minutes. You could deal in grief in your own time or whatever you're going through later. In fact, that type of shit going on in your life should give your comedy a certain type of fuel. You're angry, your girlfriend left you, you went home and your girlfriend was fucking a mailman.

You know, you're gonna come out and be known. So your material's gonna come from a different fucking place. And that's what you got. Some nights the material comes from happiness. Sometimes the material comes from anger. Sometimes the material comes from pain. I'm having a hard time writing right now as a personal. You know why?

Because I've kind of accepted my mother's death finally after 80 fucking years, instead of being a pussy. I finally accepted what happened with my first daughter and my first wife. I've accepted all these things. So all these things that used to fuel my pain, I don't deal with no more. I go home and my pain is taken care of.

It's my cat, my wife, you guys. I don't need what I used to need anymore. So that material doesn't come. When I'm on stage now, I'm laughing. I gotta get high to go up there and I laugh and I giggle. And even that, you know, this is why, when you're a professional in comedy, everything changes when it's stage time. Your name changes.

If your name is Leesayat, if you think changing your name when you go on stage to Dewey McGowan, so whatever you're saying doesn't come from Leesayat's heart, it's come from Dewey McGowan's heart, that's what it is. That's what it is. Your everything changes at 8.05. Once you walk in there and you talk to your friends

in the comics, yeah, last week I went to Iowa, last week I went to Chicago, and all of a sudden you start getting that energy from them. Then the one guy has a good set. Now you gotta have a good set. There's no time for, my grandma's in the hospital and her toe hurts. Listen, you could deal with that in 22 minutes.

Nothing's gonna change in 22 minutes. Nothing, unless they're dead already. You know, there's not much you can fucking do, you know what I'm saying? But nothing's gonna matter. And that's why comedy is so great. Because if something good happens, you can talk about it.

And if something bad happens, you can talk about it. And while you're talking about it in a bad way and making it funny, that goes to $80, you can talk about it. And if something bad happens, you can talk about it. And while you talking about it in a bad way and making it funny, that goes to $80 you were gonna pay a therapist. Well, $80 were the old days. I know. Now these motherfuckers want 20, 200 to talk to you on a computer screen

with ISIS mask on, you know what I'm saying? So. There goes that sponsor. There goes that sponsor. But the thing with bringing emotion into it, it's like anger. Whenever I go up angry, it doesn't come out as funny. It just comes out as really angry. You're coming out with material instead of putting the material aside and talking about what's really going on.

No, I'm talking about being angry, like just saying jokes about it. Listen, what are you angry about? I break up anything. That's what you bring up to the stage. Oh, that's what I did. That's when it becomes funny. I think one of the best sets as an open micer,

I had open micer slash feature, like when you're still in that limbo of feature in one month, week, or month. My girlfriend threw me out, the stripper. But I had just done a gig that had gotten like $320. In those days, when I got $320, I was Trump. I was fucking, I was, what's that guy, the guy that invented that car you drive, whatever.

Elon Musk, $320 on Elon Musk. So I go to her house and she's like, oh my God, this is the ex-stripper that I was banging heads with two weeks on, then a week off. I go to her house, we eat, I have to go pay groceries, I take her for grocery shopping, she milks me for a bottle of wine.

I'm looking at this, I'm like, I'm down to 200 already. And then I finally jump on her, so it's worth the 200. And then she got me for something else, gas in the car and something else. I'm down for like fucking 80 bucks. And all of a sudden she gets into an argument with me. And now she's telling me, she's throwing me out. I want my money back.

You know what I'm saying? I just bought groceries. I want my grocery money back. And she just goes, fuck you and your groceries. Well, you're out. So now I gotta find a place to sleep, travel, and the only place I got to go is the Comedy Club. That's the only place I had to go at that time.

It was like some special show, and I went down there. You wanna go up? I remember walking in there with my bags. And they're like, what the fuck? I go, don't even ask. I got thrown out, but who gives a fuck? We're here, I got enough money for a gram of Coke. You know what I'm saying? I got enough money for a half gram of Coke

and 30 for some fucking drinks. So we're okay with it. Could be worse. And I'll never forget, I went on stage with like a list and man, as soon as I hit the stage, I went off about it. And I was like, and I'll never, I said one joke that I kind of used for a while. And it was like, and I said one joke

that I kind of used for a while. And it was like, I was with my stripper girlfriend all afternoon, we were in love, everything was going great, then I ran out of dollar bills. Something stupid like that. And it fucking stuck and I used it for a while. But I'll never forget that somebody came up to me after that show and goes, do you want the tape?

And I go, you taped that? I was, when I went to LA, I had that tape for a while and I would give it to managers. Wow. Because it was such a good stand up, eight minute set. It was a very good set. All improvised. But it was all based on anger with a smile on my face.

Because I don't give a fuck if somebody shoots you in the foot and you're going up there. You're mad, but the cell is how... It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Well, we discussed a lot. So that's the other side of the coin, and that takes experience to go up there with a smiling face when you just got evicted

and you got nowhere to sleep tonight. Tonight, you got nowhere to sleep and I'm asking you to go on fucking stage. What do you think you can do? That'll destroy a normal person. A normal person will look at you and go, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I just got thrown out of my house.

It's eight o'clock at night. I gotta go to sleep at 10. Where's the spot? Where's the spot where? Like, I'm just trying to think about what I would do. Let's say we're in New York. Is it a bar show or is it a club? Whatever you could stumble into.

You're in a bad mood. You gotta get out of the fucking house. Well, yeah, you don't have a house. You just got evicted. Yeah, you got evicted. All right, so you're walking around the street with your luggage. Who's gonna take you?

The improv don't wanna see you. Gotham don't wanna see you, but Mel's Irish Pub on 12th Avenue will see you. Oh, I thought you had a book spot, you were trying to decide if you wanted to cancel or not. You're talking about just walking in. No, no, that night I walked in because I had nowhere to go

and they asked me to go on stage. And I learned a very important lesson. But that lesson came for six months of living in Boulder, and I would have to give my daughter back at six and face the both of those motherfuckers, and they would like giggle at me and make fun of me. And I would have to get back in that car knowing that these motherfuckers are playing me,

and this shouldn't be happening. And I'd be so upset about that that I would start fucking crying in my little white fucking Datsun. And I would open the ashtray and there was a joint in there. And wherever she, as soon as the car pulled down, I would smoke that joint. I wiped my tears from my eyes and I'd take the hour drive to Denver. And nine out of 10, there was no cash in my pocket.

I was going to Denver to fucking eat because it was that Mexican joint, they gave you a free meal on all that. That was steakhouse 52, they gave you a free meal on Wednesday nights. So how many Wednesdays were you there? Every Wednesday. Yeah. And then Thursday night was Mexican night.

El Torito? El Torito. And that food is god awful. It's like puke. And I would still go over there, but at that time it was Denver and they had a lot of Mexican food, so the Mexican food had to be good at El Torito. But I don't know how many times I went in there on a Wednesday night. Fucking or going in a Thursday knowing that the rent is due on Monday and you ain't got it.

That's tough to be funny when the rent is due and you ain't got it. That's tough to be funny when the rent is due and you ain't got it either. And that's all the lessons you learn early on as a broke fucking comic when all of a sudden one day you get home, you're living with three guys, you get home and there's an eviction notice. Well, I've been giving Nick the rent since September. Well, guess what?

Nick's got a coke habit. He hasn't paid the rent at all. That's comedy. That's stand-up. Now, that's it. Nobody wants you. What are you gonna do, stay with your girlfriend? She's the one who lives with eight girls herself. She's a fucking starving comic too.

So through all this pain and all this anguish and confusion, you gotta do stand-up. When I came here in 93 and lived with George and we were both going through our thing, I didn't know what I was doing. And I couldn't handle the stand-up because of everything I was going through. The addiction, the struggling, the not enough money, the shit that was going on with my ex-wife. It was too much for me. And I went to Denver and I narrowed the drama down and then I could do standup.

But at that time in 93, that was too much for me. My addiction was uncontrollable. I'd be headed over to the city and all of a sudden I'd bump into somebody, where you headed? Into the city. Come on, I'll give you a ride. I'm headed to upper west side to get some cocaine.

Well, we gotta make a stop, right? Yeah, well guess what? You're just taking me to the devil's house. I'm not gonna make my comedy run. Or you're gonna give me the cocaine and I gotta put it in my upper pocket. That's even worse than doing fucking, doing comedy with, and then you get there

and your spot's at 1130, it's 845. You got a gram of blow in your pocket and it's burning a hole in that motherfucker. Burning a hole in there! And you never did it, you said? No, I wouldn't do it, but then sometimes I just go, I'm out. And just not do your set?

No, I'm going home. I'm doing some coke. I can't take it no more. What time was this? Like 915? Like, how long would you last? Nine o'clock. Nine and a 15 minutes? As long as I had coke in my pocket, the night was done. Why are we doing this?

Why is she here if she ain't cooking? Right, oh my God. You know what I'm saying? If she ain't cooking, why is she here? That's so crazy. But it's, it's wild. Cause with comedy, I just don't.

Listen, you're eliminating all the shit that gets in your way. Right. You were about to say something to me when you came in. We had a really good time the other night at one of those bucket shows. Oh yeah, that was fantastic. At the Dojo.

It was fucking a phenomenal night. Everybody did great. We're doing another one on the 28th of August. It's a Thursday night. There was a great time. And what happened that night was, it was a bucket show. It wasn't stand up really, it was a development night.

It was stand up. It was stand up, but my daughter, I go, you're gonna go up. And she goes, yeah, I'm gonna go up. And then I brought her up and she went up and did it. That's fantastic. The next day I got a thousand messages from people. People from Colorado, from California called me. That New Mercy, when she was little,

and they were like, dog, that picture blah blah blah, and I told them all the same thing. I go, I don't want to do stand-up comedy. Not at all, not at all. I know what I went through for stand-up comedy. It's not a pretty fucking road. And it's tough for a woman. I go, I'm just happy that she had no fear.

Right. That's it. That was no fear zone. That is one of the scariest things in the world, public speaking. People would rather jump off a fucking building than go in front of 10 people and speak. Like there's been comics you've offered spots to

who turned it down. No, people cannot, a lot of people do not like public, actors, not comics, actors that came into the store and I was hosting. And I go, you wanna do 10 minutes? And they look at me like, are you fucking crazy? That's crazy, that's crazy people. You have fucking TV on sets all the time.

Tom Cruise, that's who one of the conversations was one night. Then he just couldn't do it. Then motherfucker does his own stunt. When I asked him if he wanted to go on stage for five minutes, he looks at me like I asked him to fuck him in the ass in a Scientology meeting. Oh my God.

It is a complete different thing. It's a fucking different animal. Like, when you asked her, what did you think she was gonna say? No. And she didn't hesitate at all. Well, I saw those pictures from then J. Pac, and I saw how bad she wanted to go out there.

Oh yeah. I could see her energy that night, and then Jay Pack, and I saw how bad she wanted to go out there. Oh yeah. I could see her energy that night that she was just a fucking, a push away from going, come on out here, Mercy. Oh yeah, she would've ran out there. She would've ran out there. Not ran, she would've walked out

and done whatever goofy shit she does, but I don't give a fuck because I just wanted to eliminate, I had no fear, because I thought about it that night. I'm like, when did I, I go, sixth grade, on Fridays. I used to go up in front of the class and sing. Sing, lip sync, the Frankie Valley. My eyes adored you, okay? That's how my comedy career started,

by singing on Fridays in front of a fucker. And I was ugly, but I would think I was a crooner, and I would go over to the girls and sing like real close, like, my eye, and they go, go away. Go away. Go away, Tubby, go away. So like, what did it feel like to see, because you were on stage with her.

Yeah. Well, she took the fucking note out and it said rim job. And I started laughing and she looked at me, she goes, I don't even know what that means. That was classic. That was, you know, that's comedy. She hit her heart, she don't know what that means. I thought she knew, but she didn't on the way home.

I kept asking her, you know what a rim job is? She's like, no, I go, okay. It's when the guy goes, trump, pssh. Oh my God. And she goes, I never thought about that, Dad. I go, yeah, that's a rim job. That's what I told on the way home, but you know, she's 12, I can't shock a system. That's a complete shock. To be fair, we didn't want to say it. It's okay for me to suck your

pussy, but not talk about your kids. And she listened to that. And when she went on stage that night, she said, the dad says something to me sometimes, like I suck that lady's dick and shit. me sometimes, like I suck that lady's dick and shit. So she could deal with that, but eating assholes at 12, that'll break her system. That's when you stop eating Girl Scout cookies. That's when it's over for you. So I gotta keep it on the whole, on the download till she's 15 or 16.

I think she was in there the whole time. She loved it. She would, yeah. Listen man, I just, that's how I felt. It wasn't about stand up. We were just talking, having a conversation tonight about people who sneak their kids in. What's that called when we were talking about Jennifer Aniston?

Nepotism. Nepotism. I don't wanna be accused of that shit. You know, that's why I'm happy she plays softball. Cause I never played softball or baseball in my life. So when I walked in, I don't know nothing. You know, I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing about nothing.

Right, but hey, people are going to accuse you of that no matter what. Something people love to shout on the internet that doesn't really mean... That's the whole point of having... I don't get that. If you had a kid and you could help them get a job anywhere, you wouldn't do it? Like, of course... No. If it ever comes to it, you're not do it? Like, of course. No. If it ever comes to it, you're not an ass.

I'm not doing a child any favors. I'm not, how many times have you worked somewhere, any of yous, and the boss hires his kid, and all of a sudden he's making $2 more than you. How much damage does it cause in the company? How much damage does it cause? Well, that sucks. Employees start shitting and chatting, loyalty breaks.

No, if your kid comes to work for you, you tell them at the dinner table, here it is. You know that room where they shovel the shit? Don't come out of there for a year. You can't. As my son, I'm telling you, if you want this job and get along with people, usually 90 days, I'm gonna leave you in there for a fucking year

to smell that every day. So when I do promote you, I don't have any fucking problems. Right. I could always go, fuck you. He's my son, he's never been late, and I had him in there for a year to really pay his dues. It's usually 120 days and you make the union in most warehouses or I'm just assuming

But that's my rule because you're really not doing a child any fucking favors, right? You don't want to do a favor like that But like even let's just say you know George owned a business and your kid and mercy wanted to go work there You but hey George you're hiring. Yes, can you help but I'm not gonna tell George George You gotta pay $28. No because this is what she needs George entry level position. You're grabbing a broom, you're cleaning a bathroom, that builds character.

That lets me know whether, when you tell an employee the first day to clean the bathroom, and you give them that, they'll know if they're gonna stay or not. You got about 48 hours, because that'll break your system down, everybody wants to be a star. Everybody wants to be on top. Everybody wants to get there and earn.

But no, today we're cleaning a fucking bathroom. They're soft. They're soft. So from me knowing life experience, if I'm still around when she's 18, like I've already spoken to restaurants in my area and said, hey, next summer, she's in here.

Saturdays, you know, teach them what it is to take a Saturday from you. Right. Okay. To take a Saturday or Friday night. You know, one of the girls that I respect the most in Marlboro, New Jersey is a 19 year old girl that I have watched that girl grow since she's 14. She's not just a regular girl. She's a beautiful girl. Her and her sister are beautiful.

Me and my wife and my daughter would go to a pizza parlor, which I took you guys to. I think you met the girl. And I used to go in there on Fridays when I first moved here with a bunch of parents. And I would go, why is that girl here on a Friday night? 16, you know, 15, then she turned 16. And then me and my wife would talk to her.

And then she says, I'm saving up for a car. You know, and then after she got the car and she's like, do you wanna see it? And I'll never forget, we went out and it was a broken down jalopy. But I was so happy for her because I know what she went through. Yeah. And then she's like, now I'm saving up for fucking college.

She wanted to go to Temple, but she was $13,000 short to go to Temple. When she told me that, it broke my fucking heart. Her parents don't have the money, but that bitch was there every Friday and Saturday night. She could have been jumping up and down. She could have been on that OnlyFans. She could have hooked up with a fucking 40-year-old old guy. That girl could have done jumping up and down. She could have been on that only fans. She could have hooked up with a fucking 40 year old old guy.

That girl could have done anything she wanted to, but no, she worked in a pizza parlor. Now she works at TD bank and she's, you know, making good money and something. She's going to school at whatever that local college. That's really cheap. Brooke, Brooke, whatever the fuck it is. But dog that to me is a classy woman You're not gonna have any problems with that girl view higher in ten years. She did the work. She did the groundwork

I want the same for my daughter man You know, you just I just kind of work a pizza place work the counter You're gonna take calls something kids don't know how to do you're gonna learn how to exchange money Another thing these idiots don't know how to do they look at the fucking thing, you know You'll go to a restaurant now 1032 you give them $10 and 32 some $11 and you give them 32 cents the computer fizzles out you It's over. I mean these are things, you know, and I tell people in business all the time You're confusing the consumer

Had a conversation with a good friend of mine. I said listen the Comedy Club This is why you're confusing the consumer you have to assume that fucking not even stupid You got to assume they're retarded as a matter of fact I know and I'm not being a Tom Segura or Bert Kreisch and calling them the poor's. I'm not calling anybody stupid. I'm just calling them retarded. No, I'm giving you an example. I could put a link up for my book right to Amazon and people will hit me three days later and go, I went on Amazon and bought this book instead.

How many times do I put a link up for tickets to a comedy club where you can't even bounce the ticket price. I'll put ticket prices on there and people come in and go, I went on Vivid and bought $120. Well, I put the link out for the fucking punch line or helium or wherever. So when people do that, when you actually walk them to the fence, give them the key and tell them what thing to pull and just go, all you gotta do is go click

Right. That's the link. I'm giving you the fucking link Right. All you gotta do is go click. How did you end up buying a t-shirt from Nick Askles? How does this happen You know many times I've done a shitty club where I'm like, give me 20 bucks for tickets, and somebody after would've go, I paid $68. What the fuck, are you retarded? I put the ticket link up.

People don't check, they just Google Joey Diaz tickets. And they go with the first thing, up there. It's crazy. I mean, how do people fall for the scams? And it breaks my heart because I thought I was dealing with a more, you know, people that knew click the fucking link. I'm not going to fucking beat you and put you on a porn link or take you all the way to Europe to buy fucking goggles. I'm not going to do that to you.

Just click the link. And I see this on a daily fucking basis in life. You used to get so upset because people would like message you right as you were leaving the city, like when are you gonna come here? Yeah, when are you coming to Memphis? Well, I'll tell you what, go on my Twitter last week and they'll look and call, and then,

oh shit, you were just here, yeah. Look how long, I've been talking about Memphis barbecue, chicken cutlets, black people with veins in their eyes. I've been talking about Memphis barbecue chicken cutlets black people with veins in their eyes I've been talking about Memphis for three fucking podcast episodes And you're telling me now when am I going to Memphis and then I figured out there's people that just do that to bust your balls Really? Yeah, they just do that to bust your balls. They see that you were just there. They're like, hey, why don't you tell me you here? Fuck your mother I've been talking about it for three fucking weeks,

motherfucker. That's so funny. Speaking of which, got a fucking crazy shit this weekend. One of those days, one day I sat there, I got up and I had a bunch of errands to run. Freehold, Jackson, up fucking whatever, and I go, you know what, I'm one of those guys when you're out, you're out. You know when you have like a long list and you go,

I already did five of them, I'll save the two of these for tomorrow, I go, fuck it. Let me just get this over. I got invited to a party. I go, let me buy a fucking a cigar and buy myself one. I don't know what I'm doing, but I went to this cigar shop. I picked the one with the lightest cover on it so it didn't kill me, right?

And next to it, two doors down, there's a head shop. In my neighborhood. I know this mall, because I usually feed the cats back there, but I haven't seen the cats. First time in five years, I haven't seen any of them. And I go back there and look, and I always feel guilty because there's a little pawn in a sucky sucky house back there.

A lot of people don't know there's a sucky sucky house back there. It's turned off, and it just says open, and there's an ATM machine righty house back there. A lot of people don't know there's a sucky sucky house back there. It's turned off and it just says open and there's an ATM machine right there. You're kidding. There's a house with an ATM machine inside? It's, let me tell you something. I go to that CVS since I moved here. You know, with the cats. I feed the cats there. For years, since day one, I started telling my wife, just buy the cat's food by the box. And I was walking into CVS and buying them a cat food and I was spending like $20 a week, I go, fuck this.

Just go on Amazon and get me a whatever the fuck. A big box. A box and I put it in my car and every night I go out there, bro, snow out the ass. These motherfuckers are out there hungry. And they're so beautiful because they actually come out. So when you walk into CVS, they're right there looking at you.

And some people like give them the finger and I'm like, how dare you? Buy them a can of food. And I come out and I open it and they stay right there. They don't run away. I won't touch them because they're feral and there's rabies going around. And I won't touch them because they're feral

and there's rabies going around, and I don't want to phone from the fucking mouth when I'm eating somebody's asshole. Ha ha ha ha! So. Ha ha ha ha! Is that how it gets activated? Why would he be finding out then?

Because if the fucking cat scratches, you get rabies. Who knows? Oh my God. Listen, I watched New Jersey 12. Last week there was a skunk that bit some fucking dog and he had rabies I know you've all seen it in Middletown. So Middletown is up and you know, you know, that's not worried about ice There's a fucking this is skunk would fucking you know rabies So what we talking about? Who knows who? the Pharaoh

But I also go over there to get nicotine gum from time to time, like rubbing alcohol for my pipes. I got everything there, that's my CVS. So one night I go in there, and as I'm coming out there's a bunch of young kids, not young kids, like 19, 20, and they're high fiving each other, they're giggling, and they're opening the boxes of condoms and taking the loose condoms out. And when they saw me, like, Uncle Joey, what up?

And I'm like, oh, these fucking savages. So I go over and I'm like, where you guys going? They're like, we're going to get our dicks up. Right around the back of the building is a sucky, sucky house, right there, at CVS. Right there in that corner, there's a sucky, sucky house right there at CVS, right there in that corner. There's a sucky, sucky house in my hometown. There's gonna be some people really upset

that you're telling all the people about their favorite. I don't give a fuck, I'm trying. I better get 10% from those dirty hookers. I think they're gonna get shut down. I've never been in there. I don't know who runs it. I don't know if it's Russians. I don't know who runs it.

I don't know what they do. I don't even know how they get away with it. I've never actually met somebody who's been there except for these kids that night that was saying, yeah, we go there on Friday nights, $300. They do everything but doggone. Have you ever seen them since? Who, the kids?

Those kids, yeah. No. Oh no. Maybe they're missing. Maybe the skunk got them. So I was like, there's a sucky, sucky house back there? And they're like, yeah, I think they double as a massage, but no signs. So when I would go back there to feed the cat, I'd look back there when they're like,

that is a sucky, sucky house. Dog, you'll never find it. You'll never find it. It's in between buildings. There's a fucking drive-through bank. It's right next to the drive-through bank. You're running the whole operation out? You're like there's six women inside, maybe seven.

So what? They're there, listen, they just move. Just listen, if you have a good sucky sucky house, moves around every six weeks. One of those chicks gets a hiv, they get something like a fucking type of COVID in their pussy, and they get shut down by the health department or some cop comes in.

COVID in the pussy is outrageous. I'm dead serious, those sucky sucky houses. So anyway, we're talking about that fucking strip mall cock sucker, how do we end up with the sucky sucky? I have no idea, I'm sorry. You're looking for a cigar. So I go to the cigar shop first, and then I go, you know what, I might as well go in here,

get some papers, a pipe, whatever. I go in there and the kid's like, hey, you come in here from time to time, do you know anything about these new things? And I'm old school, you know? And I'm like, what are you talking about? First off, they have a whole section of weed at these places.

I'm talking a fucking wall of every weed we grew up with, name. And I'm like, that's weed? And he goes, no, no, no, no. It's nine days before the weed grows. You take a chemical out. Nick, what do you know about this? Delta 9? 8? Delta 9. I don't know, he was saying something else. days before the weed grows you take a chemical out Nick what do you know about this?

Yeah, I don't know he was saying something else it before Delta 9 it looked like weed T. I smoke huh? No, no, no, no, no, no this he says it gets you fucked up But the idiot also told me that if I took him he had mushroom mushroom pills, that if you take, he's like, man, I'll give you one, but I promise you'll only take a half. I took one, it was scary. So I wake up on the last day, I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I go, let me see what these pills are all about.

He gave me two of them. Jesus, Joe. I ate like three quarters of it. I fucking went, nothing happened. I went home, I ate the other quarter, nothing happened. Then he had one more, I popped the whole fucking thing. I didn't even eat it in quarters. I was in bed at 10 o'clock last night.

Didn't do a fucking thing to me. I didn't giggle, nothing. And he gave me a lollipop, he's like, oh. But I said to him, I go, Doug, I got two of those things in the car. I had two of those 500 milligram things. I go, let me give you one of these and see if you're real. He's like, I don't think I can handle that. That's not for me. So I knew he was fake.

But that's it. He wasn't fake. He just has a tolerance. What tolerance? He gave me fucking sucky sucky. Everything he gave me. He was 0 and 3. No wonder his weed store was next to the sucky sucky house. Because he was 0 for 3. Everything was sucky sucky. Oh my God. Everything sucked, okay? And I knew better.

I've been down the street already. Everybody thinks they're a scientist and these fucking new kids today don't have the heart just to do heroin. They just don't have the heart to fucking get a syringe and pop that motherfucker and listen to some black Sabbath. They just don't, they're pussies. So what do they do?

They buy like a half a fag vapor pen that's got like a tent of heroin. Oh my God, my toothache doesn't work anymore. It's like I said, it's like a white chick that wants to fuck a black dude. The first time she'll fuck a dude that's mixed just to see how the smell is and everything. And if it passes, then the next time she jumps

on a full fucking yam, you know what I'm saying? We all know the fucking deal. How it starts. Ha ha ha ha ha. That's how it is. They always fuck like a mixed, right? You ever see that when chicks are confused, they'll fuck like a mixed Arab, like he's half white, have ISIS, you know what I'm saying?

Just, just. I like how you notice it. I like how. I notice all that shit, that's what I do. I got cop size, I keep my eye on that shit. But are these like people you know or just people you see I've noticed all that shit, that's what I do. I got cop size, I keep my eye on that shit. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! But are these like people you know or just people you see and you've made up stories for their lives?

I'm an observer. I'm a fucking observer. I sit, I make believe I'm doing something, but I'm really listening to those two idiots in the corner and what they're saying. About eight minutes from stabbing them both in the fucking arm. And they have no idea, they're just talking about something in a conversation? car. They got no idea. I'm just giving them rope every minute here Take six more inches you're gonna end up like that Pantacorva on the Sopranos when he hung himself in the garage. I just wait for these fucking guys. I swear to God. I

Know I know you I I know you love people like That's amazing that you're giving people rope and they don't even know they're like. Nah, I give them a rope. Here, take this rope. You're gonna hang yourself eventually. It might be today or it might be tomorrow. Holy shit.

I see it, listen, let me tell you what happened Friday night. So Friday night, my wife and my daughter breaking on me at about four o'clock that they're going to see some play. Now I go with them as a family, but where they're going, they give you wooden seats and you got to eat like pie. It's like a community center. I'm not doing that.

And they're fucking kids. I don't want to go there and then one kid recognizes me. It's like a standup. I would never go. I don't want to not support you, Lee, but I don't want to go to walk in a club with you and then they're like, Joey's here. And then fuck Lee. We're going to see Lee. I really know that's why I don't go see anybody. a club with you, and then they're like, Joey's here, and then fuck Lee, we're going to see Lee.

I really know, that's why I don't go see anybody. I will never be on here, if I'm not going behind with you to hide, because it's your show, it's not my show, you following me? So if I go to your show, I'm gonna distract him. Joey's here, he might go up, listen to what Lee's got to say. Same thing with kids.

That's why I don't make a big deal at the softball games. Not about me at the softball. People love for me to get up and go, oh, $20 for the next hit, ha ha ha ha, and act like Mellon in a fucking, in back to school. You know what I'm saying? I don't wanna do that. That's not who I am.

I'm not gonna go there with glasses and that's my daughter, ha ha ha ha. That's what people expect you to act. So you don't act like that, and then. That's what people expect you to act. So you don't act like that, and then they don't know where the fuck to go. Right. Well, you think people expect of you?

Think about it. If you could go to a game and say what you want and have a circle of people around you and be cute and whole court, who wouldn't want to do that? Except to miss their fucking kids and what their kids doing. When you go to a thing in LA, where we came from, you think anybody goes

to see their own kids do anything? They don't. Lee, you're having a party on Saturday? I'll let you know Friday. Cause my mother-in-law is coming to town. What they know is my wife spoke to George's wife and she said that Joe Rogan might go to their barbecue on Saturday. So I'm not going to answer your barbecue because I know Joe Rogan and Trini Lopez and the writer

from Empire, they're all going to be at his house, but Nick's having a barbecue and the head of Fox is going to be at Nick's house. So I got to hold out to see who's got the best guest list. Would you like to live here? You ever go to anything in LA? No. Everything in LA is based around who's gonna be at your party. So if, God forbid, Nick's not gonna bring a script. I accidentally have my script.

It's in the car. Really? It's a Sunday, you have your script in the car. I'm here eating barbecue, looking at women in bikinis, and you want to talk to me about a script, but that's how people are. That's how people are. And the kids, zero. The kids are a prop to get them in there. Just to get in the schools? I swear to my mother's grave. Those kids are a prop to get them into those meetings, because

all those kids have a nanny. That's the only way they'll fit into that circle. God forbid they don't have a nanny to tell their friends they have a nanny. That's the only way you'll accept me is if I have a nanny also so we could talk about the nannies. My nanny's from Bolivia. Oh my gosh, her uncle sells me coke. No, but you know what I'm saying. Everything they do, there's people who have kids and they're supposed to go where my daughter went to school, but they go to Carpenter down the road on the other side of Ventura Boulevard. Why? Because that's where all the writers and all their kids go to. Their Christmas party is at CBS Radford.

Geez. and all their kids go to. Their Christmas party is at CBS Radford. Geez. Okay? So anybody who wants to be cool and be in the in-crowd, they go to that school instead. When you wanna be a normal parent, which ain't much, even in the school I took my daughter to, that's where you go. They have a lot of writers there too, and the girl from, what's the girl?

Lisa Loeb. Lisa Loeb, and the head writer from what there's a lot of people's kids that went to that school but not like Carpenter Carpenter is the alligator the hunter that died people that's who do with their kids go and that's where you take your kid if you don't love them because that's where you take your kid if you don't love them kids are just using them they're just a fucking prop. My kid's not a prop.

And my girl's softball games are about her. They're never about me. If I could wear a beard and a disguise for those games, I would. I would because they're not about me. And that's, today I went to breakfast with my wife. This woman could only been Russian. I got nothing against Russian women or Russian people. She had a leopard suit on, from head to toe.

Tight ones. The tight one. Shouldn't have had a leopard suit on. It should have been more like a bear or a fucking gorilla. Right? She had feet uglier than mine with sandals on. Her hair had not been done. her face was full of Botox, and she had those glasses on,

and she didn't wanna sit at the table, so she stood on the other side of the counter so everybody had to see her. Just randomly, and what's that talking about? So everybody just could see her, so she could be seen. Normal people don't do that. They sit at a fucking table and they don't have a leopard suit to go to a turning point with fucking $200 slanders on.

But there's people that that's what their priority is, to be seen. I don't want to. Where I go get a haircut, every time I walk in, there's a goofy motherfucker that goes, hey, Joey, I don't even pay attention. I don't even why go get a haircut every time I walk in there's a goofy motherfucker that goes hey, Joey I don't even pay that I don't even look at Until I finally told you only can you tell that moron to stop saying Joey when I walk in here, please? If I don't want nobody to know why you tell them right don't say a fucking word

Don't say a fucking word Just look at me and nod Is it it has like, I guess damaged your life. Do you feel like you can't go places now? No, I go wherever the fuck I want. But, you know, I go, I don't go for the purposes that you think I would go. Like, do you know what I mean?

Like, I'm over all that shit. Like, I was over it when I lived in LA, so I'm over all that shit. The last thing I wanna see are those people. Right. The last thing I wanna see are those type of people. I fuck, it took me 23 years to get away from them. I'm gonna go back and dilly-dally with those Tyler people,

which are basically just liberals. You know, they're just people who would just, like, they agree to everything, and all their decisions are based around what people are gonna think about. That's it. Yeah, I think there's a lot of people. And you could tell when somebody opens their mouth

if they're really sincere about it, or if they're just, in Hollywood, people just say shit. Are they really, does Pedro Pascal really give a fuck about LGBTQ rights, or is he saying that so, you know, why? So you could fit into a certain gap. That's my own, listen, for years I always talked about California, and I shouldn't have spoken about California.

It was Hollywood and the lifestyle where I lived. And I'm very sorry, I need to, it wasn't California, it wasn't Orange County or whatever county I lived in, it was that world. And we have those worlds now in normal cities. Everybody thinks this is a fucking celebrity. Well, let me go up to Montauk and play handball. You're from fucking Jersey,

let me stab you in the fucking eyeball. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. Nobody did nothing. All of a sudden I see kids I grew up with. We're playing golf today. They know I want to fucking shoot them because I know the reason you're playing golf. There's no enjoyment for you. If it was enjoyment, you just play with three fucking idiots. Enjoyment is getting through your North Bergen friends that don't play golf, us four idiots, smoke a big bag of weed, give weed, give a bag of edibles to him,

and he's the driver of the golf cart. So we end up like Adam Sandler and fucking- It'd be real slow. Happy Gilmore too. That's fun with your friends, not me at a golf cart. I'm playing at Trump Plaza, you know know with three fucking jerk off holding a beer. No, you're playing golf for all the wrong reasons, right? I want you to do things for the right fucking reasons, right? You know, I want you to do things, you know Why can't you getting drunk? Why can't you just get drunk? Oh, we're going to Luigi's

You know get drunk go to the Surfside Bar on Palisade Boulevard. You might as well get herpes while you get drunk, right? It's so weird what we do and we don't even know what we're doing. It's like I was talking to beautiful Nick, Matthew number one. Every week I see pictures from down the shore. Oh my God. What's happened? Oh my god. What's happened?

I've never seen anything like that. I've never seen anything like that. What are they doing? It's hot fucking women, fake asses, fake tits. You know, some of them are pigs. Some of them are really decent. They don't know what they're... Some of them are just fucking pigs of them are really decent. They don't know what they're, some of them are just fucking pigs

that get fucking dick every weekend. And by August 9th, their hole is just leaking. You can see it in the pictures that it's like a fucking walrus. They're fucking. Oh, by this week, you can start to see the beginning pictures and you can see the pussy

starting to come out from the inside. It's August now, yeah. They've been getting dick, they got dick three different weekends from three different guys. They don't know who they're in love with yet. But Vinny the DJ will be there. Oh my God, and it's like these chicks, they just stand there by the table,

and then there's these guys with buckets, and they just stand there, and then you have a whole section of guys with backwards hats and steroids and a VIP section and they're all on top of each other and they're all like boom, boom, boom and that's all they do. Nobody's fucking, nobody's sucking, they go boom, boom, boom. Nobody's snorting coke, nobody's eating ecstasy and none of those guys, like none of those guys are in danger. Right. Nobody's eating ecstasy and none of those guys like none of those guys are in danger

Right half of them have giant tattoos, you know, boom boom boom jet tattoos They're getting ready for football season, but it's august 8th by this week and those pussies Now is on the labor department not the labor department the health department in all those cities Sees an increase in fucking tics tax fucking Herbs fucking Oh my god. Oh Yeah, some girls will even make the summer that pussy taps out by like the 15th, oh no, they just tap out They go. We're not even going back. We don't want our deposit. We don't want nothing We ended up pregnant and I don't know who the father is The kid came out with an Arab hat on and a fucking empanada.

We don't know what happened. He could be Dominican, he could be Arab, but we could be both. It's a nightmare. But the choice, we went to the speech and if we took pictures, we rented a house and all your friends were there and then you invited a bunch of freaks and people were fucking, the bedrooms were on fire, somebody's father was there, has anybody seen my daughter? That's when you know you're at a good party.

When the dad's there with a picture and shit of their daughter, she's been missing for two days. And you just saw her? Huh? And you just saw her? What's that? The girl he was looking for. What's that? Like had you just seen her? Oh no just are what's that I did the girl he was looking for what's that? I can you just seen her. Oh, no

I'll tell the dad the truth if somebody comes to me as a kid when my daughter's missing But when somebody shows up at your party and says have you seen my daughter with a picture of her with Catholic books? And you're like she ain't Catholic We'll be right back after this word from blue chew Uncle Joe here to talk to you about blue chew. Listen, you've already got the pipes blue choose here to make sure the wall is Gushing, you know I'm saying blue chew is an og brand Offering chewable tablets for better sex if you're thinking a slinging dick for chewable tablets for better sex. If you're thinking of slinging dick,

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Your eyes are looking tremendous, like one of those black dudes in Memphis. They're all red with that vein in the middle. I like it. Oh my God. It's gotten to the point where people just say whenever they see me, I look high. Even if I'm not, my eyes are just constantly high now. When you were talking to me, I liked the fire and I could see it coming.

Friday night, my daughter went to a play with my wife. I'm like, what am I going to do? Now some days my mouth bothers me more than others. I don't know until I get there. Tonight you brought a tremendous sandwich and I was having a hard time. I'm like a Chinese chick sucking a black dick. My mouth just don't open that big.

You know what I'm saying? You ever see a skinny Chinese chick with a black dude that's six foot eight? And you're like, how does she get her dick, her mouth around that dick? It's not mathematically. She has to borrow a cousin or something like that, right? So. It hurts.

So. So I'm like, what the fuck? I got to figure out what I want to eat. And I was going to go to my restaurant, my man, Osteria, and get Steve to make me a shrimp risotto but to cut up the shrimp. But when I got there, guys, I got something that you guys are going to have to make the track down. You have to make, because I know he makes it, and I know it's on the menu of his new restaurant.

I go, Steve, any chances you can make me Italian fried rice? What the fuck is that? Exactly, he makes Italian fried rice. He makes fried rice with risotto, Italian risotto, with shrimp and lobster. Dog, it tastes like fried rice from Billy Hung's 1982. I think Billy Hung's closed in 90 maybe. See when Billy Hung's closed. Something like a porn star. Billy Hung, New York City. See when it closed. This was old New York class, guys.

You hear it from your uncle Joey. Hung, not hung. Yeah, hung, H-U-N-G-S. Billy Hung, like a Chinese guy with a big dick in Pono. Billy Hung, that's his fucking name. Closed, yeah, see? Hung, Hung, with an... Well, maybe it is Billy Hung hung take a look at that because

people spell it differently and shit okay see what it says about it exceptional old-fashioned fried rice with chunks of shrimp pork and lobster sauce guys you have no idea. And you know why? And I'll tell you, but I noticed my father's picture was on the wall, my real father. Really? Yeah, like they had like fucking people on the wall,

and they had a picture of my father-in-law with a suit on, walking out of a hotel room with a hat on and shit, circa 1955 or something. He had been going there since he was a kid when he came from Cuba, so I always went there. In 1985, they had a $33 lobster egg roll. They built an egg roll, they got a lobster tail, cut the shell off and they built an egg roll

around the lobster tail. Nobody had that either. That's like a $100 egg roll now, right? I would like a hundred dollars. Yeah. But Billy Hung, that's where gangsters went, Sinatra, Joe Namath, all the Knicks, that was it. Like towards 85, they didn't even talk about Billy Hung

because you couldn't get in there. You didn't even talk about Billy Hung because you couldn't get in there. It was like, that's like an afterthought. Like Billy Hung only hung out with fucking gangsters. You know, I forget where it was, but I still remember the inside of that place. You know what I'm reminding you, Lee?

When you walk into the Comedy Store, from the front, when you walk up those little steps, with those little pictures on both sides, that's what it was. Then you broke out and they had a big thing, and they had circle tables, even the boots were circular. That's all I remember about that restaurant. But my mom used to go there three times a week

to get soup when I was young. I would go with her. Oh, it's that one? Yeah. No, it's not the one where she stabbed the Chinese guy. Oh, okay. That was 186th Street and Broadway. That was by the house.

That's crazy. And Broadway, that was by the house. That's crazy. So I went to this fucking restaurant, Osteria, and I asked the owner, Steve, the place was packed. Packed. Bar, back. I thought, I go, Steve, where do I eat? Do you want me to go on the bocce ball court and all of a sudden the chair opened up at the bar

and when I sat down a Girl tapped my shoulder. It's my buddy Gabby. I can't even see it and we start talking I work She goes did you go to the doctor this week? I thought I saw your car out there because she works in the doctor's office With my ear and next door. She work for people with skin and plastic surgery, do fake titties and shit in there. So she goes, were you there this week? No, we got to talking, blah, blah, blah. And then people, she knows people there.

So she was talking to different people. Then she got a chair next to me. And we're talking, but she knew the couple next to her. So she's talking to them. I'm eating my food. The fucking fried rice came, I didn't talk to nobody. Do you understand? I didn't talk to nobody. I just because it was soft. Oh, it was perfect. The lobster tail just melted in your mouth with the shrimp soft, the whole thing. I'm eating, I'm eating, I'm eating. And then some girl

comes up and goes, hey, how you doing? Do you remember me? I'm like, oh shit, yeah. It was an older woman and she goes, you were here one night with your daughter and you told me to get the hamburger. Boy, did you fucking hook me up and tell me about her husband, he's been dead for 12 years. You know, the whole fucking story at a bar. Friday afternoon at 6.30 in the afternoon.

This just comes out? Huh? This just comes out? Yeah, she just was saying, you know, I'm here tonight with my sister-in-law, and then I go, oh, and you know, whatever, and she goes, no, my husband died 12 years, whatever. And I go back to eat my food,

and another girl comes over, and she's like, hey, do you remember me? And I'm like, oh, yeah. She goes, I talked to you one night, and I didn't know who you were until afterward, and I was heartbroken. I felt like an idiot. What do I care?

But she was hammered. So she started bothering my friend. She wouldn't bother me. She was bothering my friend until my friend kept looking at me going, and I'm like, I don't know. Were you egging her on? Not at all, because I don't want the conversation around me. The mushrooms were just starting to kick in.

You know what I'm saying? I had eaten chocolate mushrooms that night before I left the house. Of course. Just for Friday, they get a just starting to kick in. You know what I'm saying? I had eaten chocolate mushrooms that night before I left the house. Just for Friday, they get a little pow under your wing. There's always gotta be some type of training, Lee. That's why I got that evil draw. There's a lot of different things in that draw. I found two hits of acid DR9.

I might bring that up next Monday. Anyway, so. Ha ha ha ha. What is an evil draw? So there's, some people have an evil chair, I got an evil draw. Some people have an evil chair, I got an evil draw. So fucking there's an owner of a different restaurant there that I go to to get their salmon.

I really enjoy their salmon. And I enjoy their mashed potatoes, and I enjoy their Italian spinach with big pieces of garlic in it. It's delicious. The only place I'll eat a fucking cup of garlic with the salmon. So I see him there and I go, hey, how you doing? And he's with some girl. So I don't know what's going on, right? I've seen him with the woman before. Now I'm sitting here, the owner of that restaurant's there with his girlfriend, some other people, place is packed, and it's my friend here and this girl over here.

Now she starts talking loud and I can tell she's drunk and she's telling my friend that she was drinking at that bar, she's not allowed in there no more because she became friendly with the staff and one night as she was leaving, she texts the owner to see if she could buy a bottle of wine to take back to her apartment. But the girlfriend saw the text and called her like a fucking animal, don't text my husband or fiance. So she was pissed about that.

I could feel it. I didn't egg her on, but she was getting hotter and hotter. Lee's looking at me like I said something bad, right? So I didn't say a word, Lee. So I'm sitting there and then the guy who's working in my bathroom came in. And he comes in with his wife and I'm talking to them, and the chick is still going off on the other girl. Finally I look, and the other girl's taking a drink

and going away. She's like, this is not good. But her and the blonde are giving each other dirty looks. So I gotta play that hand out, because I'm a fucking animal, right? So I'm sitting there making believe I'm eating real slow. I'm eating like George. I'm telling stories about the history of lobster, the whole fucking thing. I'm George all the time. The history of lobster.

His friend owned a lobster store and he made millions, but he sold it to the Indians. And you know, George will tell you. That's how I do it, I'm gonna be George right now. And I tell myself a George story, and I just sat there and took my time. And I took my time, and then she goes, let me get another Pinot Grigio. I'm like, okay, this is going the right direction, right? And dog, she must have downed it,

because I went to the bathroom, I came back, I heard her go, can I get another Pinot Grigio? Right, so now I sit, I'm not in my chair eight minutes and the bartender comes over and he's like, listen, you're fucking, you know, not to me. He's telling her, you're fucking, you're lit, man. You know, do we really need this Pinot Grigio? And she goes, well, I had a bad fucking night.

And then he goes, I know. The girl said something to me, she's gone now. And then this girl starts telling the bartender her story, but it's getting louder and louder. And at this bleak, come out of your coma, cocksucker. Don't cut the camera, come out of your coma. So, it's getting louder and louder. She's getting hotter.

And she's like, you don't know the fucking story. Why would you involve yourself in it? I didn't text him like that. He's fucking 65 years old. Why would I fuck him? I texted him because I needed a bottle of wine I wanted to pay. I had the money in my hand.

I was right outside the fucking restaurant. But he needed help on a case and I helped him with it. And all of a sudden, like she's going off on this guy and I'm loving it. I'm about to go give her a double, right? As you know me. And she's getting louder and louder until people are looking.

People are starting to look, Jack. So I fucking got up and I went right to the bathroom to make Lee like I'd be. And when I came out, she was storming out of the restaurant, dragging her jacket, fucking heel broke. It was only 8.30 at night. You know I don't stay out late, dog. And that was two times last week.

I saw women go off. I saw a different woman go off on bocce night. That was even better. It was classic because she went off with a lady who kept saying to me, I hear you're a comedian, I'm Jewish, my sister's a lesbian and I like black men. Write a joke about that.

That's what she kept saying to me all night. Every time I'd see her she'd go, did you write anything yet? Oh my God. I'm Jewish, my sister's a lesbian and I like black men. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, this is bocce night, dog. She's about 65, she had fake tits made out of concrete.

She got them made in 2020, these things are mad. They didn't even move. You can see how she'd move around slowly because she destroyed her spine with these concrete titties. It's like the mob. Remember in the 60s, the mafia would give you cement water boots and throw you in the Hudson. That's what happened with her. But she fucking.

Were they hard too? I don't know. I didn't feel them, but I could tell that they were a lot bigger than a woman her age's tits were. And she was well preserved. But you could tell. There's an age point that, listen, come here. If I put a light on you and shot you with an anti-aging dick, you'd still be 68. You know what I'm saying? Like, knock it off. She wasn't trying to be anybody.

She was very sweet, but she was just drunk. But she was egging another woman on about something. The girl got fired. I was just listening. I played, first when I got there, I heard the conversation. I got my water, I went outside. Usually when you come back after a bocce game, those people are gone. Not that night. When I walked in, they were like an Indian and the bartender just kept giving them gin. And I'm watching this shit go down again, early. I'm watching this shit go down, again, early. I'm watching this shit go down, man.

And finally- What, you just sit there and watch? Oh, I'm not watching. I'm making believe I'm watching the Yankee game. But I got my deaf earring focused on this ear with everything I got. So if you fart on this side, I won't hear it. Because everything I got is focused on this ear.

And I'm just, like, if you come up to me and go, hey, what's the score? Huh? Get the fuck out of my face. I'm not even care about the Yankee game. You come up to me, I can see a home run happen. And I wouldn't know because all my focus is in the super old man here.

And I'm listening to what these two or three hags, it was like four of them telling the story, the woman, this, this. So finally I go, you know what? They start getting louder and louder, and one of the women is pretty intelligent. She goes, ladies, let's take this outside. So guess what happened?

I paid my tab, and all of a sudden, I got the sudden urge to smoke a joint, right? As I walk out, they're on the park bench getting lights for each other, but the one is arguing with the Jew. I go in my little fucking car, I put it on, I plug the phone in, I'm listening to the music, and I'm about to pull out and I hear the yelling start.

And I just lower my window and make believe like I'm a fucking dead mute, like I'm doing like two miles per fucking every 10 minutes believe like I'm a fucking dead mute. Like I'm doing like two miles before every 10 minutes. Like I'm going back slowly and they yell at each other. The woman's fought. She got fired. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So the one girl goes, we have to end this.

Let's go. And she pulls the three girls and they leave the ugly Jew woman. The one who wanted me to tell her a joke about the lesbian, about the black boy. They just left her? Yeah, she's just sitting out there. At this point, she took her heels off and she's out there smoking cigarette after cigarette. I could call George or somebody, but the beauty is she took her heels off

and she had those old women stockings where they cover the toes. You could tell the toes stink because they're that old when you take those stockings off and you rub that, you smell that toe area, it's got, it smells like a dead body. So she's sitting there half drunk, guys, like this, look.

And she's like, you know, she's hot. And finally I pull up to her real slow. I low my window, she looks at me and I go, you want some candy, little girl? And I just, and I just pulled off into the horizon and she's like, fuck you! You never told me the joke about the Jew,

the lesbian, and the woman who likes fucking black guys. And I'm like, aw. Ha ha ha ha! See Lee, sometimes you have to create your own fun. I guess so. You have to find fun wherever the fuck it is sometimes. And that's where it was Friday night. Well, guys, I'm getting fucking old.

Like, not old. I shouldn't talk negatively about myself. But like I said last week, I feel myself changing. Conversations I wanna listen to. I'm watching a good show now. I'm getting so old, I'm even watching a weird series. Leanne? What it's about? It's about that comedian woman, Leanne, the big blonde woman from the South. I have always thought she's... Dean Smart. He's saying... Leanne, that show right there.

Leanne Morgan. Leanne Morgan. It's a pretty cute show, nice little cast. I'm up to like episode six maybe. Seven out of 10 on IGD. What does it get? Seven out of 10 on IGD. Bro, it's not an Academy Award winner, but at least it's got me, you know, I'm watching

something different for a fucking, and you know what? She's an older comic. It's her show. It's her show. She's got a hell of a fucking tour and I wish her nothing but the fucking best, man. I think she's a good looking woman. She's just older, but look what's happening to comedy. They're looking at older people. This gives me a little hope not to get a

TV show but that it's Chuck Lorre. You know that guy's been around for a long time so I wish her nothing but the best you know. She's a Judy Brown chick so this is just to let you know. Judy Brown is one of the best managers in the fucking business. Got her and Sebastian. And this is how it works. It just takes time. And this is the payoff, you know? How do you find out about these shows with comics?

Because you do that a lot. You seem to support when a comic puts something out. You seem to like support when a comic puts something out. I love when people say that they became a comedian, including myself, because, well for me, it's more than anybody else, because I am a convicted felon, and I didn't think I could make it anywhere else. I never thought I'd see a TV show.

I thought they always did background checks and shit. I guess not, you know, millions of dollars a year, and I don't even know who's on the set with me. So I always thought about it that way, but you always want something. I always wanted to recur on a show. I liked Nick DiPaolo when he was on Brace Under Fire. He played a bartender.

And I go, if I ever got something like that, I'd be the luckiest guy in the fucking world You know in those days it was ten out of 26 episodes But those are ten episodes that I didn't have to be on the week for on the road, right? That's how I looked at it. That was my strategy that that's ten weeks to buy you time to get better material and you know so but I have to be supportive of It's 10 weeks to buy you time to get better material. But I have to be supportive of anybody who goes outside

of the fucking box. Anybody who doesn't punch a clock every week, everybody who starts the fucking month at zero, how can you not support those people? That's life. Yeah, you went to college for seven years, you're an attorney, you make 400, 500 thousand a year. That's also a big chance.

But I'm not putting nothing mad because I believe in the working man also. But I also believe in, take a chance, Columbus did. Take a fucking chance. Have you got a time? Listen, having a business isn't about owning a fucking boat on the weekends. It's about you creating your freedom.

You wanted life on your terms. I can never get mad at somebody who does this. The racket that we do, this fucking racket that people think like, I'm special. No, you're not fucking special. This is a fucking racket that people think like I'm special. No, you're not fucking special. This is a fucking racket. And at the end, it's like me going to Las Vegas and putting it on black number eight or red number 24.

I don't know when I walk in that room, who's gonna like me, who's not gonna like me. I'm hoping for all those women and for those three gay guys to go, oh my God, we love him. Then you're gonna work till you're fucking 40, if you're 22. And you've seen it, you've seen people in front of you that have gotten huge spurts in acting careers

or huge spurts in stand-up, because it's different now. It's spurts, it's not longevity anymore. Like longevity, I'm wrong. You have people like the chick from Silence of the Lambs and the chick I was talking about earlier, well Jodie Foster, that girl started on fucking the courtship of Eddie's father, dog. I watched that as a kid.

She was my fucking age. They've been in it all their lives, Dakota Fanning. I just watched her with fucking men on fire. Oh my God, she was a little girl. Now she's a goddamn woman, the other one that was on the terrorist show. They do this the way people are plumbers for 40 years. Claire Danes, thank you George,

you're on the same page for that. They have done this the way people go home and become a fucking plumber. And then you're doing it for 10 years, then you're doing it fucking plumber and then you're doing it for 10 years then you're doing it for 20 years next you're doing it for 30 years and you will consider the master fucking plumber a master fucking plumber a Master electrician a master carpenter a master framer George is a master framer How many framers are there right now George?

No, how many framers how many people grow up and go when I get old I'm gonna be a the framer. How many framers are there right now, George? No, how many framers, how many people grow up and go, when I get old, I'm gonna be a fucking framer. Zero, zero. So I respect anybody who gets up one morning and goes, I'm not gonna punch a clock. I'm gonna borrow $500 from Uncle Joey, I'm gonna borrow $500 from Uncle Nicky, I'm gonna borrow $500 from fucking Lee,

and I'm gonna get a box and I'm gonna sell hot dogs out of there. I'd much rather fucking do that and take a chance on my own. And those are the guys that one minute they buy a box, then they pay you back and they're buying a stand, then they're paying you back, and then they come to you and then they go, we want you to lend me this

to buy a fucking little thing. And next thing you know, that motherfucker's got three of them and he's buying you out for 10 million You gave him fucking three hours when he was 16 years old, you know You know, those are the people that you respect that they're called what people were crafty Entrepreneur but there's a word for that people made on their own Crafty nobody gave it to them. They borrowed 10,000 from their father-in-law and they started making donuts and now they're Krispy Kreme.

I don't know if that's the history, but that's how it starts. What we do is a fucking nightmare, Lee. What we do for a living, when you sign up to be an actor, a comic, a dancer, a stripper, a boogaloo, fucking anything. It's a life of fucking uncertainty. That takes years off your life not knowing. There's many people that are talented but never said, you know what, I don't want to quit my day job because my girlfriend will, you're done. You're done. You're either all in or all out. I'm not talking about you. No, I know.

I'm talking about there's people who don't believe in themselves and that's why they'll never get to that place. And then there's people that you read about that you go, how the fuck did they do that? They did what? They're on their own. And dog, I support, listen, I support everybody. But at the end of the day, somebody who tells the world to suck their dick, they're doing it on their terms, I ain't mad at that because it sounds familiar

to me. At one point, you gotta tell the world to suck your dick. You don't give a fuck if you have a family, you don't give a fuck what you think, you don't give a fuck about your past. All you're worried about is your fucking future. And that's a painful fucking decision to make, especially when you got no family, you got nobody, but now you're living for people who backed you.

And you go, you know what? These people who backed me over the years that fed me, I can't let them down. And when you put a value on your future like that, it really builds some type of clarity when you go, you know what, I'm gonna stick with this till this happens. Because these people believe in me and I can't, I got no, first of all, I got nowhere else to go.

I can't sing and dance. I got missing teeth. I can't suck dick. There's no, there's no velocity in my suckness. You know, I'm just fucking around with you But these are the things that push you forward, you know when you go Wow, I wake up every fucking month and every month on every fucking month on the first I start at zero just like Joey just likely just like Nick just like George

Some people get a check on the fifth. I don't get that check. I haven't gotten that check 30 years on the fifth. Well, unemployment in between acting jobs. Yeah, but still it's not, after a while, you look at those checks and you're like, these checks are nice, but this is not what I want. I could settle for 1800 a month, we all can.

It's 900 every two weeks when you're an actor in LA. Probably went up now to 600 a week. Maybe, but it still doesn't get you much. But I know we are. You know what I'm saying? You get comfortable with unemployment and go 1800 a month. I do a couple of comedy gigs. I book one job at scale.

I'm good. I go to Sizzler. But then the guy next to you, that next door to you just moved out and bought a fucking house and a car. And he's got a girlfriend that looks like a fucking model. And you know, this is the decision you make on whether you move forward or you're gonna be a fucking lap all your life what are you looking at me like that I don't know you 20 bucks cocksucker

what do you got this weekend this weekend I'm actually it's a really fun show in Hoboken and it's the DV Barbershop, yeah. DV Barbershop. What night is that? Saturday night, they have two shows. It's a really fun show, my buddy runs. Alright, and Wednesday night we're at the Dojo. Wednesday we're at the Dojo.

It's New Talent night or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know, it's something. You gonna be New Talent? Yeah, I'm New Talent. I'm New Talent with an old twist, Jackson. So like, you should write material for a different comic and do it. Or try a different style of material.

Who? You. You. Don't laugh at this guy. I don't encourage him with this gibberish talk. I should try some new material. Maybe I'll get a guitar and get a one piece drum. Don't make all the gibberish talk

when you feed me all these things. I want to go out there and talk. Talk what? What do you mean talk what? What are you talking, what you saying guys? I'm just copying the animals. Am I deaf? Remember you lost stripes today

Like three years cupping that little out of no one copped an animal your pocket we caught him tonight Trying to buy time as usual I need something to drink cuz he was gonna cut the edible and I put it in his pocket and eat the other half He don't think and I know he doesn't know I'm a Jewish. I already was watching him. That's why I caught the hand I know in 12 years. I caught the hand. He has that little Jew hoof Jews would get like a piece of bread Hand on the Ushuaich windowsill with a little piece of bread in there all night for three days That's the Ushuaich grip. He's got something in the grip and shit fucking cocksucker You don't think I read that man in the grip and shit. Fucking cocksucker. You don't think I read that manual.

Something in the grip. Huh? They got that, remember G.I. Joe had a kung fu grip. Jews have that little Auschwitz grip. It ain't really closed, but it is. It's got like a diamond in there, or the mother's ring, or five dollars, whatever the fuck, y'all.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That's funny. I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a

I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a I'm not a And then we're doing another comedy, Bucket Chaos on the 28th of August. And then you have to go on your own for Labor Day, because I got nothing going on Labor Day. But then we turn up in Florida on the 6th of September at Fort Lauderdale at the motherfucking Hard Rock Cafe.

We might just lose Lee down there that weekend. We just take him to that fucking- He's lost all of the cafe. Take him to the ice island where they got the alligators around the island and just drop them off with a helicopter in the middle of the island. What's that? And we got Park Jacino on the 23rd of August,

but that sold out and I do not want you to pay exuberant prices. We'll be back there in November and we got our little gigs popping up, but yeah, that's it. Next Thursday night, yeah, the 13th at the Dojo and then I'm doing another couple shows on the 20th and the 22nd leading up to the 23rd at the Parks Casino and then we got motherfucking Fort Lauderdale. I'm excited for these shows, and after that we'll let you know

what's coming up in the wintertime. That's it, and that's all. Anything you wanna say, cocksucker? Yeah, just next weekend I'm gonna be in Oxford, Mississippi, and then in Memphis, Tennessee Friday, Saturday. Good luck. Oxford and Memphis. He just told me about this bad news tonight.

Poor little Jewish guy. They had to send the mafia down there looking for him. Like they did in 51. Remember when they had a son, Gene Testa, whatever his name, Gene Scarpa, whatever? Scarpa went down, had to kill three fucking white cops because they killed two black kids and a white kid. Well, I don't know.

That was on Godfather Harlem They changed the fax to you know, I'm saying so Who the fuck knows? Anyway, I love you guys. Have a great week. Thank you for having us in your prayers We have you and ours We're fucking pray Stay black cocksuckers. Uncle Joey loves you. Hey, it's Uncle Joe here. Listen, I want to talk to you about cereal. If you want cereal that's okay to eat by the handful, grab some Magic Spoon.

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