Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Guru of Failure

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

Coco is back baby! Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about how it feels being Coco again and what the difference between Joey and Coco is. Joey and Lee also talk gambling misfortune, getting set up by his neighbor the undercover DEA agent and much more!   SHOW NOTES Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code JOEY @ ⁠http://BlueChew.com/⁠Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at ⁠https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ⁠

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with Cato, aka Lee Syatt, for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening in now New Testament. It's St. Patty's Day.

I forgot my green. I'm gonna wear it, though, later on when I go out and lurk and see what's going on in my fucking town. Happy St. Patty's Day, cock-sucker. Same to you. Dude, I'm such a loser. I never once, like, went out to,

like, there's a whole big parade in Boston, green beer. You never did any of that? One time. And that's it. One time. I don't hear no fucking bagpipes. I'm too old for that shit.

They come in with the dress. Enough. Just give me the fucking that Irish. They don't give a fuck. Just give me the beer. Give me the whiskey. Let's get fucked up. Oh, when I lived in Boston, they fuck, they don't, like there were bars on the street.

Oh, no, I lived on that open in the morning. They open at six in the morning. Tomorrow, all those bars in the city, those old-time bars, they'll be open at six. Oh. Fucking giving corn beef and cabbage. And fucking. way to do it. I don't know nothing else. These new Gentiles celebrate at night, six in the morning. Oh, I can't imagine taking a shot of whiskey. The cabbage is out. The fucking bagpipe is out, but he's got

to wait for a eat. Then he can play all the bagpipe he wants when I'm outside, you know what I'm saying. Do you put butter on the cabbage? I don't fucking know, Lee. Come on, Lee. I'm in a bar. Would you put butter from a bar on a cabbage? I don't know. I wouldn't put it. I don't put nothing on cabbage, Lee. I try to get rid of it. And I eat the corn beef. You know what I'm saying? The fuck is wrong with you. So you're a corned. More beef and cabbages is corn beef? Yeah, I don't do a fuck. I put a little slice.

It's a sandwich. It's a little slice for flavor. I'm not going to eat a whole thing of fucking corned beef. Like bok choy, they give me that whole thing. Fuck you. I'm not eating that shit. It's too much waste. Why is it waste?

Because you're burning up good stomach fucking space. With fucking cabbage. I don't like cabbage. No. No. I don't like none of that shit. Why do you always get me all fired up? I'm trying to.

Who puts butter? That's the way my mom made it. Yeah. That's the way my mom made it. Yeah. That's good. The Jewish one making corned. beef and cabbage.

That's how they did in Auschwitz. We don't do it that way here, cucksucker. Oh, yeah, there's no bread in Auschwitz. It's just cabbage and butter. A lot of lighters. A lot of matches. I don't know people know what yesterday was, really. No, it was the 14th.

Well, the 14th was for me when they canceled my fucking plane ticket and said I couldn't come to New York. But pretty much, today, is the anniversary of pandemic. Five years ago, the 15th. I got canceled on the 14th, the 15th to 16th. The 17th was a Monday six years ago. And I was coming in that Monday to shoot.

And then Tuesday and Wednesday to buy a house. Then I was going to come back April 4th. And my wife was going to buy it. I can't buy the house. I was going to look at a house, you know. I would love to see you go through the process of buying a house. Oh, listen. I have a hard time going to the doctor when he asked you.

all those questions. What about when they, because I know that I get the text, like fill out this paperwork before you come in. I'm not doing it. I don't do it. I skip the, I skip the fucking thing. Yeah.

They skip, keep skipping. They'll keep hitting me back. Put your insurance card in. Put your ID and fuck you. I'll see you at 10, 15. I'll be there 15 minutes early. And then when they give me the paperwork,

I go, I forgot my glass. I always find a way to get. out of that shit. Then you go through a process where you have to sit in, you know, you do the weight, the fucking thing. And then they ask you all over them. Are you still on all these medications? Shoot it. Bro, they got medication on there from 2010. And I got, and I'm like, listen, I tell them in the beginning, listen, I don't mean to be rude or interrupt you. But before you ask me another question, if you don't see my wife standing there, don't ask those type of

question. It's not going to work. If you want to call her at work, and she'll talk to you all day long. But I'm not going to sit here with you and go through every... I don't even know what I take. My wife does all that shit. She puts in one of those pill things. I got up in a morning. It's a handful. I put two more in. I drink my water. And after I eat, I drink the juice with the, you know... She must really like you'd be really easy to poison you. She could kill me at any... She could kill me at night, put a fucking cotton ball on my sleep apnea. She could do a thousand fucking things. And nobody's... Nobody knows nothing.

No. I'm an idiot. I don't care. She could make me drink that thing that Chan Michael Vincent made Charles Bronson drink in the mechanic. Oh, no. And they coated in the wine glass

makes you appear like you get a heart attack on the... That's a very good movie. That's a good move right there. She can kill me how the fuck she wants. Who gives? She's not going to kill me. If anybody I'd kill her... Fuck that Indian.

I got to put a time by her through her heart to kill her. That's an Indian. That's a real Indian. That's not one of those fucking boo-boos. That's a real fucking Indian. When I met her grandfather, I was like in a mother's father. He looks like an alien, like an Indian. He was an Indian.

And he mumbled, oh. He did that mum. He did that mumbling that Indians do. But that motherfucker was cool as shit. He was, he was like, hey, he was telling me, listen, I ain't racist. Like, when they took me inside, he was like, I'm not racist. He goes, I love black women. These fucking idiots don't know.

He goes, if it was up to me, I'd fuck the shit on the hand. Esther because she had nice, because she had nice legs. Who's Aunt Esther? Don't look at a Jewish lady. No, Ann Esther's the black chick from, from a fucking Sanford and son that he would call ugly. He would call her ugly in every episode. Anna, Esther, I brought you something. What?

A cellophane mask. A cellophane. You could use it as a Halloween mask. You say shit to her constantly. Esther, where's your goat? What goat? You know, and they just beat up on her. Was it his wife?

I haven't seen enough for that show. No, no, I was like his sister-in-law. Oh, his sister, oh, my God. But yeah, he always saw his tummy end. And Esther got the best fucking legs I saw her in a cabaret in 19-84. She fucking was beautiful. My grandpa, you're an Indian. Oh.

You like the dark skin. He got away from that shit. You know what I have to be honest. I've never done like a 23 in me, but I'd love to find out of them. We've been doing a lot of shows at casinos. Like these Native Americans, like the ones who own casinos, and they just get paid every year just because they're part of the tribe that owns casinos. That is the dream.

Six figures. I just got to figure out what the percentage is, the legal percentage. But all Cubans are part of Tiano Indians. We all come from Indians and won't pay or another. I don't think I do. Somebody fuck an Indian. Like Paul Mooney said, if you shake your family tree, an Indian will fall out. Somebody will fall out of your family tree.

Oh, I'd love that to just get paid. I love, I married my wife pretty much because of her grandfather. Because I've always had a fascination about American Indians. Yeah. Always. Always. When I was a kid that's all I watched, those stupid fucking movies, that's why you should watch those westerns.

Yeah. Because I loved all that. I didn't like them beating up on them. I don't like those movies when they beat up on Indians. I like when the Indians got a little spunk to them, like White Comanche or... Oh, yeah. Yeah, like, you know, they shoot an arrow. They got you.

Can you imagine that? Just bow and an arrow and going up against armies, killing Buffalo? You ever watch 18, 12, all those shows about... No, I did. They're very interesting. Very interesting. Even as a TV show, just to see what they were going through,

how people ended up in Montana, how people ended up in California. You know, it's going to be a cold winter, so we might as well sit here, and then you grow crops, and there you are. And who helped you? A fucking Indian. Yeah.

An Indian either helped you or hurt you. So you started sharing with them. that's how this was built and it's pretty interesting. Next time he's in town I'll let it. I didn't know you liked Indians. My cousin is like a professor

at George Washington. He's written like tons of books about and he goes and reads like the papers they had. It's pretty, like it's just. How fucking interesting is an Indian. And they were loyal people but you couldn't fuck with them.

They're very loyal and humble and honorable but they came at time where they fuck you up. When they started fucking people, people up. Why do you think all these tractors are Indian in the fucking U.S. services? Yeah. They had an entire like groups of them.

Groups of them. These guys could have hunt. Like they put their ear on the ground. That's a joke. But it's not. That's why it's funny. They put their ear on the ground and go, Buffalo. And you're like, what the fuck just happened? Do you? I, like,

whenever I see stuff like that and I know, but I like, I went into like one of like the wigwams, whatever. I I don't know what they call it in this one. But I just, whenever I'm sitting in there, I'm like, how do you sleep in here with no air condition? I can't imagine. How do you sleep in there with no refrigerator?

You know what I'm saying? I don't know how they did. That's a tougher thing. Can you imagine you want a piece of chicken? You got to walk a half a mile and kill it and bring it back? No. Think about that. Running with no shoes.

And when you all came from that? Like that fainting thing I have for years that I fainted. I fucking went to get professional out on that. Like I couldn't deal with it. The blood thing? Yeah. Because at that time, I was, I faint. I have this thing that I faint.

If my stomach feels little sour, I'll fucking faint. Like if my stomach is, my blood pressure dropped. What about in fucking hilarious? Usually I know what story's coming. I have no idea what's coming. So the other night we're in fucking, Connecticut. We go in an hour earlier.

It was a half hour flight like doctors. we get there. We start gamming. I knew we were going to lose. Just the feeling wasn't in the air. Nick, everything all right on the phone? The world's, came all right? I didn't know if the world was changing.

They fucking, they strapped the satellite. You got me all nervous. It better be a woman sucking cock or something interesting. It's a Native American. So we start eating edibles on the fucking plane, me, Lee, George, Nick, everybody. Those are when we get there, and I go, Lee, you want to have? Happy pill. Now a happy pill used to be a Vicodin. But I don't want to eat a Vicodin. So I gave Lee a half muscle relaxer. And I took like two. Is that what that was? And Lee kept saying, oh, this thing is

making me sweat. Oh, I was sweating like a pig. You were sweating because you were losing. That's why. Oh. You weren't sweating because of the muscle relax. I don't know what. Dude, the same thing. The fucking pain pills don't do nothing for me. The muscle relaxers at least give me something. Peace of mind. Like now Your muscle relax. I take those fucking pain pills. My stomach hurts. I took one like three weeks ago. My fucking,

I do them. Like, you know what? This would be nice. I could go to, because if somebody gives it to me, I'll save him for PT. There's a PT,

that motherfucker opens it up. The muscle relaxers? No, he opens up the pain. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what you go there for

to push it as much as you can. Oh. So when I leave there, I take a half. Okay. That's all I need is a half. Even though I'm a big guy, you feel that half, okay?

If I mix it with Motrin, it's even better, an 800 milligram mochran. But those, then they gave me these muscle relaxes. When the guy was giving to me, I'm like, really? A fucking muscle relaxer for knee pain? He goes, well, he'll take down the inflammation and do all this shit. So whenever I feel a little bit coming now,

I just pop one of those, man. And I feel a lot better than eating one of those fucking pain pills. Do you know which pill you're taking, or do you just, like, have a pouch and you just throw a couple in your mouth. Like, I don't feel like you can actually know what... I live by sound. All right.

There's a big draw that sits in that draw. Right next to me. There's weed underneath it. Everything I have to do with weed is underneath that. Edibles, there's weed in there that's so fucking old. I don't even know what it is. Like, I just put it in a jar and didn't... I was too high.

I didn't label it. Now it's just old. And you kind of get scared to smoke it because you're like... But every once in a while I run out of weed and I'll smoke it like two weeks ago. I smoked something. It was a little... orange bud.

Was orange? I was fucked up. My eyes wouldn't fucking open. I had to wear sunglasses. I couldn't see. Are you sure it was weed? Huh? Are you sure it was weed?

Who cares? That's why I have that draw. You smoked a cheese bowl? It's everything in that drawer is mushroom, but I threw the mushrooms. I haven't eaten the mushroom. Every time I got them, they taste like shit in Jersey. They grow them somewhere in fucking fucking, fucking salt. No, no, no, no.

You used to yell me for years for saying about the shit. They all taste like shit. No, the ones I was getting from California. when they were clean, Bobby. No, no mushroom was clean. They all taste like garbage. I would go to fucking a pizza place and just get a two slices and just fucking put mushrooms right in front of the pizza part. The guy's like, look at him.

Like, what, you should have baked them in. And then those type of mushrooms, Nikki, and I put them in and I fold it and eat fucking, it would be like a half-hiles of mushrooms from California. I was going off last year, off by myself down there alone, driving around that night. in the back country and seeing D. How many grams is an ounce? 24. What?

You're eating 14 grams? Dog. I would eat like three or four and nothing would happen. I get pissed because I put like a system. But at that time, I had four pounds in the house. I had a little bit of eat. So I would alternate them and give some away. Alternate them.

You always got to alternate shit. So I was taking the pig legs, the Cuban-African. You know, I had like four different ones. and you just mix and mingle and then my I ate like seven one night because I was weighing him I ate like seven one night

I'm like I'm gonna die tonight I'm excited about dying I'm taking the new car with me and everything and fucking like a half thing I saw one thing so I go I gotta start this with 10 and I started

taught more with 10 and then towards the end I was just putting 14 and going to a pizza place and getting a pizza That's why I was 332 when I went into the hospital last January. I'm like 50 pounds lighter now. Really?

Because of that whole mushroom. How often were you doing this? Every day. When you live down by me, it's boring. But now I learned how to adjust the boring. It took me time because I know that I'm going to be bored no matter where I go. If I go to Vegas, I'm going to be bored. I'm just that type of guy.

If you guys aren't around and I don't gamble, you see, I'm not going to stay out all night and gamble. I'd better go to the room and something's on TNT or you read something on the computer, you're interested in on Google, you Google a topic. Dude, for people who don't know, like, most people take, like, two, three grams and they're, like, lean outer space. What are you talking about?

14 grams? Plus, oh. Towards the end, I was eating 14 fucking grams on one shot on two slices of cheese pizza. Is your tolerance ever so good that you're like, I need to take a break? Like this Well, that's why I took a break

From the mushrooms It just became I just didn't want to do them on him But I got two his acid I'm holding on for me and you For the next big casino run Oh Jesus So you want me to get kicked out of another casino

I'm going to give you 500 cash To take it Because we're going to sit together And learn how to play poker on acid And document it That's how you learn to do things Anybody can go down there and fuck it The numbers are going to start flying

Off the card You're like I have no idea I got three kings No, you know. They're talking. I saw a king. I told you it was a king in that fucking thing. Oh, what if we're really good at it on acid?

And we keep doing it. You're better at all that shit if you're hot. You don't even realize it. You think I'm teasing you? Doug, I've been looking at people for 50 fucking years on reefing. That's what I do. I have guinea pigs. You're one of them.

I know that when you're up tight, nothing falls right for you. And then something happens and it triggers like an old memory and he's got that. He starts making Jew noises. You haven't been making Jew noises in a while. Why? Ah. You created and cured the Jew noises? I created it.

You created it and cured it. Yeah, we got, I love you guys and I'll play Blackjack with you guys forever. But there's certain nights where we go. It's like, okay, let's find the $15 table. Because we played so bad that the dealer started talking shit to us. We played so bad. We played so bad. We were making moves and the dealer went, wow.

Like not hitting on 15. Someone, I don't want to throw anyone under the bus. Like it was the 13 and they stayed against like an 8. It wasn't. Well, you did some motherfuck up shit. Oh, yeah. She was having a hard time with you. She just kept looking at you going.

They were, and the dealers trying to help you. George thought it was bingo and shit. All of us. We were looking, we got so high in the play. We were just looking at the numbers like, I don't you like and by the way I love you and you're really

you're so good at numbers but put like three or four cards in front of you you start looking around like can't do that I know I know I have to be looking at her hand and I don't know what I'm actually looking for so I'm just playing by listen guys

I'm not going down and I make a living I'm not going down to impress anybody we don't put care I'm just going down there and fucking enjoy something you know what we we dump in a three weeks, we're going to be paying $200 a gallon.

So before that happens, I might as well lose $200 at Blackjack. I'm not one to go home. When you get on route, you know, I'm sitting there the other day pulling those stupid fucking draft kings, not the draft kings, the wheel of fortune. I'm sitting there and I'm, you know, wisdom is a motherfucker. Okay? Wisdom is a motherfucker. Experience, age, you know, trauma, all that shit's a motherfucker.

But you're sitting there, and now at this age, I know I'm going to give them the $20. There's no, this is going to pay my rowing skate lessons with. I'm going to pay rent with this. I'm going to pay for college. I'm going to come down here and hit the big thing. I eliminated all that. I know I'm going to give them $200. Yeah.

If I'm having a really good time, I'll walk to the ATM and take another two out. That's going to be it because I know what I got to do for those $400 and those $300. I gotta put up with this fucking go-gooots two days a week. No, I'm just telling you the truth. That's why I did cocaine all those years. Because I wanted something. I wanted somebody to come over me, their pussy, or poke him in the eye, whatever the fuck. You know, I always said that's what I want to spend my money.

That's just me right now at this part of my life. When you gamble and you lose like two or three grand one time, it makes you rethink your fucking, whether you're a millionaire or not, or whether you're just a regular Joe, because that's when you lose 3,000, when you're a regular Joe, because you actually think, I'm going to buy my girlfriend

a fucking engagement ring, and they say, yeah, perfectly. Listen, life has a way of setting you up, and it's all the same setup. When you do Coke the first three times, how great is it? You think fucking, God forbid, somebody sucks your dick. You'll never come down from that.

When you smoke pot for first three times, it's fucking great. When you gamble, there's not always... Motherfucker. There's not a motherfucker. The first time he gambled, he didn't win. Yep. Just the universe.

That's the night you're going to hit Black 360. You know when you put the fucking little court, the nickel slot next to the 25, and if you get three-sevens, you win like $2,000 bucks or $250,000? That's the night you hit that. What do you think he's going to do with that $250,000?

Yeah. He's going to wait a week, listen to all the advice. You, You know, invest in buttons, you know. He's going to think about it. He's going to get two beers and go, if I could do that one time or do that again. Oh, yeah.

Both. That's all of us. That's humanity. That's not just... Dude, I started watching videos of how to count cards in blackjack, and like, it looks good, and then you get to the... We don't say that shit on tape. Crank call, crank call.

He's under the influence. Anyway, you can't. It goes so fucking fast. But it's the same... And they catch you right away. It's the same jungle. How does a girl get you? How's the girl got you?

Two, three dates, you go out, yeah, you giggle. One night, you swap spit, and the next night you put it in it. And now you don't want to leave the house for three days. You're looking at a petting. You know? I don't need to go to work. You're like a fucking fact. That's all of us.

Every women, flip it. It's the same thing for women. It's just not for everybody. We all get caught in the same traps in life. But after you've gotten caught 80 times, No, but it's like one day you figure it out. I can't believe at 18, me and a bunch of idiots at Joe Marys, thought we had the system.

You got nothing. You're a fucking idiot. You got the system. Wait till what they got for you. That's when you start losing by four and a half and you lose by four. All those games, when you start, you give seven and a half, you lose by seven. And it's rent money. This is, I've got to borrow money.

You know, now you're cracking into a fucking, your grandmother's fucking, yeah. Save whatever, yeah. That's the thing and that's everything, guys. That's just not gambling. It's weed. It's pussy. It's men.

It's women. It's every drug, alcohol. First two times you drink, you have a great time. Go do that the third night. And now you're like, yeah, I'll drink New York. What are those things are you drinking in your 19th? I'll drink. Long on a nice tea.

Yeah, you drink like three or four of them. You eat half a quailute. And you wake up in your friend's garage with puke all over here the next morning and thinking that, and where's that girl I was dancing? Bro, you puked on the last night. What the fuck?

What do you mean I puked? Everything is the same. So now you see the traps. When we go down there, listen, I don't know what you get in your day job, whatever. You got 200 you can lose. Everybody does.

After 200, you're like, what am I doing with my life? You know what? My friends are here. It's a bats a party. It's Georgia's 65. It's Nicky's dirty. Let me go get two more hundred.

I've got 200 gone. Then we start doing Coke. Okay? The next investment is in the Colombian. I'm not that I'm going to do Coke, but that's how my mind used to be. Oh, yeah. When I was doing Coke, there was no $20 table. I never sat.

It was either the Coke or Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune go fuck itself. Oh, yeah. Dude, there's no better feeling than winning, but losing money. I, dude, you remember right in L.A. I won the first time I went to Vegas. I went back. I thought I was like a professional gambler.

And I just remember walking down the strip, throwing away the loyalty cards that I got from the casinos. Because like, oh, I went and I had a room for like three nights. I left the first night. That was all. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. I remember one night we went and we actually played and we were winning.

You were winning. I staked you. And all of a Japanese guy standing by. It told you to move. You didn't move. And you lost it all. You left. That was the problem.

See, that's when you were, that's when I saw that the Jew problem with you, that you left. You weren't upset, but you left. It mangled you a little bit. If you would have been high that night, you would have stayed and said, Joe, get the fuck out of here. I got a system. I'm going to go over there by myself. I'm getting away from all you motherfuckers. If you were high that night, you would have done that.

You would say, I'm going back to my room. After we went to go out to the seafood bar and ate those big shrimp. Oh, yeah. We got back to the room and then the next morning, I was your nightly. It took an nap. And I went back down at 2 in the morning and I won 800. That would be great. Yeah, that's what he always always.

I knew he was going to get up in the middle of the middle. You have to. That's the best time to go gambling because no one else is down there. Oh, it's because when it's busy, you get fucked up. People don't hit with us. And that's because I started gambling in L.A. with like in like the not good areas where it's like just people who go there to make money. And if you fuck up their table, they'll fucking yell at you.

Like they'll yell at and like it's it's not like I go there. You go there to have fun, but there's a lot of people who have these casinos who are not there for fun. No, and that's what I said. Some people, when you're young and stupid, you think you're actually going to go there and make a business venture. You actually tell your friends, you're going to invest in a wheat store.

I'm going to invest half a million. and you're like in the back, yeah, I'm going to go play blackjack. You're not going to do dick. You're not going to do dick. I want to talk to you guys about something. Okay. I want you to think about how are you motherfuckers.

Even at home how you guys felt six years ago. Like a week after this happened six years ago, how did you feel? Like, you thought it was over. There was people calling me. I don't know how to pay my rent. I don't know how I'm going to pay car payments. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

We were fucking sweating bullets. And guess what? Look at us now. What the fuck was this all about? One of the greatest compliments I got with you was when I moved here to Jersey, I went to a restaurant one night. I was like my neighbors, and they had no idea about fucking the church or what's happening now or nothing. We all went out together, and there were young busboys, and these kids were going nuts. God bless him.

They brought everything to the fucking table, you know. Pop-p-pum, they brought everything. Then the chef came out. And he did this and he goes, can I talk to you for a minute? He goes, hey, man, you and Lee did during the podcast, you eat here for free from now. I never got this free food. I'm teasing. I haven't taken you there because it's a good restaurant, but it's not the one we usually think of.

Right. They have two restaurants. We go to their other restaurant. Gotcha. And he goes, this is why you always eat for free here. He goes, I'm not talking to myself. He goes, I would talk to people that night because that's all they had to do. do was listen to the podcast.

That was it. And the podcast girl got like two months, you know, two months away. That's when everybody started getting accused, eating somebody's ass eight years ago. Putting a roofie of my drink two weeks ago. That was all the fucking... Think about this shit. Think about what we were looking at

two weeks after the pandemic. You were fucking panicking. You couldn't go anywhere. The only places that were open with the Chinese casinos in L.A. and stay 10 feet apart. Those motherfuckers were still down there. And I know OTP was probably open.

They're called serviceable businesses. People have to live without them or whatever. And in California, like when you bought weed, it was expensive because you had to pay the tax rate. For them to stay open, California said, we're open you up. We want 25 points. War. Really?

And all those weed stores went into debt. Oh, in taxes. All those weed stores. Because they were fucking making. money, but they were paying instead of whatever they were paying 25% tax. They're paying 50% tax. I didn't know that. I just financed Uber Eats.

They were called something to stay alive, like barbershops, essential services. But their tax rates went up. I don't know if it happened here in Jersey. We'll find out. But it was really interesting how I felt. I mean, I don't know of being scared at the beginning. Huh? Like the first couple weeks, like we thought it was going to be over soon.

I remember that. But you were not, I'm not talking shit about, but you were always a little bit nervous about it. I was overweight. I was not in shape. I was smoking. I had personal problems. I had drug problems. A lot of things going on me.

I had a fucking daughter that was seven. And now I'm going to die. Some motherfucker hugging me or breathing on. me or me going to a sporting event. And I got to tell you, man, I'm the first guy to tell you guys. The bigger the man, the bigger the mistake. It fucked me up,

the band. It fucked me up for two to three years. I came here, I was without you for a year. You had no idea what I was going to. I couldn't even make eye contact. Couldn't even make eye contact. I told you, I already came to my house and I couldn't wait for him to leave.

He wanted me to go to the Chinese restaurant. I'm like, I'm not fucking. Listen, it wasn't even the Chinese thing for me. I just didn't want to be in a restaurant that time. No, I called you the first time I saw a restaurant with people in it. It was creepy. It was creepy. It was scary.

We called me from Florida and said you walked into a place. There were 300 people. He goes, show you, I had to step outside. I didn't know what the fuck. I hadn't seen anybody like that for months. Dude, L.A. was a little bit scarier, I think, than some other places because, like, we would line up. I was going to a Walmart in the West Valley.

Like I found a Walmart like 40 minutes away because like a Gelson's or Ralph's by us there were lines out the door and you'd walk in there and there'd be nothing. There'd be like vegan hot dogs. Like I bought I don't even like Velvita mac and cheese. I was ordering food from all over the country. I was like this is the time to mingle. Oh. People were calling me up. Hey, you want steaks?

Call this guy. He said to call you. And then Thickler, we met this last week. Of course. Yeah. He hooked me up with his clam chatted guy. I was sending that guy $200. That motherfucker was sending it.

Crab cakes or claims? Crab Cakes. Crab Cakes. Fucking. It never ended. I was getting steaks sent to the house. Then I found out that Morton's, the steakhouse by a house, was not serving,

but they were selling everything to. You could not, they couldn't cook it. The groceries, yeah, yeah. But they turned into a grocery store. I started going over there and buying steaks, and they were like so grateful. Like, I was eating steaks every day. just to help people.

Like I was like, fuck it. How could this be that? My favorite steakhouse. The one with the bread. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's not open. Like, I couldn't even fan them that.

Did I ever tell you what I did with Domino's? I was fucking up Domino's because they had, buy three, for $5 each. I'd buy like six pizzas and put them in a zip-lock bags and put them in the freezer. Like every day I would just have a pepperoni. Because I, like, I was. fat, hot, and you

would bring food, but you'd also bring edibles. Like, you would just be like, be downstairs in two minutes. Dog, every... Like, for a week, I had weed and edibles. Because I always had boxes of the tablets. But then the weed store open. He called me, and he's like, hey, man,

we're open, come through the side door and shit. We got everything. I'm like, all right. You had to wear a mask. You had to go in there and fucking, then this fucking lunatic showed up. In July, that's a lie. You want me to go to talk to a motherfucker that just came from the East Coast where COVID was invented.

At the studio. I'm like, you're fucking out of your mind. And he's out there breathing, taking edibles, going to Beverly Hills. I'm like, Doug, don't call you no more. What the fuck? I want to talk to nobody that just came from New York. Nobody.

Yeah. Like, it was not good. I would have to be home at, I don't know, I had two times a day. I would sit there and guys fucking watch eyewitness news. and just eat Zadaxx because my heart was beating out of my chest. Why would you watch the news?

If the news was upsetting you, why would you watch it? Because guess what? There was nothing else to watch. There's a thousand things, Tiger King. There was nothing, Tiger King. I wasn't watching that shit. No, you don't like the gay guy, wrestling with Tiger Cubs? No, I never even turned that shit on.

Things were bad enough. I don't need to add this to my fucking life leave. No reality TV, no thousand. pound like oh that would have been watch i was working out my yard and then they said no jiu jitzu but the kickboxing guy goes i'll train you at the park so we'd have to kick and shit with a mask on that yeah do push-ups and punch and shit that was brutal plus you just you were just scared for my cardio was bad as it was from my anxiety being i can breathe that's what happens i got a lot of anxiety, I ended up in the fucking hospital because I can't breathe.

But meanwhile, 14 grams of mushrooms, you're perfectly fine. The first time they found mushroom dust in my lungs. You have like plantations of trees and something like grows out there. And I'm like, smell me. It's marijuana coming out of my fucking pores. You know, I'm in here for six days. That shit's all the way at the top. Holy shit.

Yeah. But like now I kind of, I don't want. like a pandemic obviously but I wish we had like one of those weeks. I don't want nothing. I don't ever listen I want people at work I want people out of the house I want people healthy and that's it I don't ever want one of those things again not my lifetime not my daughter's lifetime when you look at it now a couple weeks where we had a conversation here and I made some stupid joke I wasn't kidding you we're watching a play

unfold this is all scripted this is all scripted that some Something was not right here. I'm not going to get into it. I'm not conspiracy theorist. Something was not right here. I don't, the funny thing is, is, who knows? There's so many things going on right now. I still remember, like, it was the end of the world.

Yeah. You can't breathe. You can't. I still remember coming home and they killed a black guy in Minnesota, Minneapolis. Yeah, that was scary. And all of a sudden, it's like, and all of a sudden, two weeks later,

they're taking down statues of people who had slaves. and awesome right by the house right by the podcast studio i was going to say yeah thousands of people bro then a black kid was hot and he went and he laid down on the grass and the cop approached him he said he couldn't lay there and also they called the cops again but my daughter's day school by dick cat yeah now there was a fucking congregation on that side and you were looking at this going and then i would drive my bike i would ride my bike i would ride my bike. That was my exercise. I would just ride my bike and run Hollywood Park. North Hollywood Park. Ride it, right it, right it. Everybody had a mask on. I finally took it off.

And then one day, I actually, I'm there every day, guys. And I'm stoned. And I'm on a bike and I'm old. So I'm watching. I'm not doing 90 miles an hour. I'm just going for spins for circulation. I'm like, you know, vote for me type shit. But one day I saw it. I just saw bricks every 10 feet. Fied by wire. I'm like, come on, man. This is a fucking movie. All the cancellations, all this.

You know, there's a fucking pandemic. I'm not going to get into it. Because we all went through something, but it was just too, it was too much. And on top of what I was going through at home, I just did not want to live in L.A. No.

When the fucking pandemic had, when they said, I remember going Terry, this is perfect. This is written from God because we get the fuck out of here. It's going to be down until September. We're not going to see daylight until September. So what are we doing? I called the lady.

She said, no, blah, blah, blah. We'll find your house in Titten Falls. I called Jimmy Florentine because Jimmy was just on the podcast two months before that. And he was talking about Jersey. and I remember coming back to the Sopranos and going, come on, man, that's too much. I've been out there too long. No, no, no.

This is bullshit. I'm going to die out there in an earthquake. Fucking, for something I don't believe in. I went to look at three houses in California, way before that. Before Mercy was born, every house I walked in, I didn't feel at home.

Not even close. I don't know what it is about California when I walked in homes. that was supposed to be impressive to me, it made me hate them more than home. When you walk into somebody's home on the East Coast, you're looking at family pictures. You're looking at a carpet that the dog shit on 80 times,

but they vacuumed it. They knew you were coming over, you know. There's a saint somewhere. There's this. You go into somebody's house in L.A., they're there to impress you. There's nothing. There's warmth on the East Coast.

There's no warmth in any of us. And you start feeling that. I always saw it. I'm not saying it's a bad place. Maybe it's a bad place that I came from here and went there. Okay. You know. But it's also where you,

because there are, like, there's warm house, like homes in California, but if you go to, like, these nice places, like when I was in LA,

I did a bunch of podcasts for a couple of real estate agents in Beverly Hills. And these houses are worth tens of millions of dollars. But it's, like, they're an investment and, like, it's just very clean.

It's a fucking, You know, it's a... The museum. They got that type of money. Half of them, listen, a buddy of mine, sells houses.

This is ridiculous. Ridiculous. The most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I asked them how to sell it. They asked 1.8 for it. I know they got moving to two. It's a fucking beautiful.

He goes, yeah, they paid, but they put 20% down. They're paying 12,000 a month for 30 years. He goes, but they're billionaires. I go, if they're billionaires, why are they financing?

Seven points. interest. That's a fucking killer. That'll kill you right there. You're never going to get out of that. You know what $12,000 a month is, dog? A lot of money. A write a check for $12,000. OJ. was paying that bitch $24,000 just to put that in perspective. That's like something George would say he was paying out of $24,000. I was waiting for you to say it, but you struck late, God suck it.

But think about that. I can't imagine. That's a lot of money. $12,000. I never felt at home. house I lived in? I don't know about, listen. I don't know about houses. I'm not here bragging to you guys.

I'm just telling you the truth. We got that house through the church. A friend of a friend of a podcast listener heard us talking about moving. And I wanted to move by that school section. Email to Google. He goes, if you want to come look at the house, we'll live here for two years, discounted

with an option to buy. went by, I just said, you, Perry, you look at this, you know, you take care of this. My niece came to visit me, Kelly Davidson. And when she pulled up, she goes, you live in a $1.3 million house, Uncle Joey. I didn't know that. This is a $500,000 house in the church all day long. There ain't nothing nice about this house. Nothing.

I knew it was a rental from the time I moved in there. They had in the back room. I mean, it was perfect because it was the only house that had a bathroom with a back door to the yard. See, if I got that, you could shit all fucking day back there. I would go back there and shit with a bomb, a phone. I would just take my time. Then I would close the door and capture the flies.

Oh, my God. I had a plan. But I think that all of us went through fucking hell six years ago. confused. Some people got checks. I ain't mad at you. I ain't fucking mad at you. I think I got a little one myself. You know what I'm saying? I ain't mad at you, but

think of what they put you through mentally. And you're here today. We're fucking ears. Six years later, everybody's rocking and rolling. Yeah, Iran's getting Israel, you know, whatever. That's got nothing to do with me. Missiles and all that shit. That's got nothing to do with me. I'm just telling you what's going on. Listen, I'm a hundred and sixty fucking percent mentally better. I can tell you this, that there was a couple times.

I had to tell, I'd remind an old friend of mine that the dude you met two years ago. That was Joey Diaz. That's, ah, yeah, I wanted to do your podcast. That last hospital stay, Coco came out. I can feel it. I can fucking feel it. Coco's back. Nothing I feel like stealing.

Not that I feel like rob in the jewelry store or snort and blow or anything. But Coco's back. And I see it on stage. I feel it with you guys. You guys got to see it. You guys got to see it that I'm walking around like they finally took that stick out of my ass. I finally got out of the comedy communism. That's what I did.

I removed myself completely from the comedy communism. What they want you to believe, they knew they can never. sell it to me. They knew they could never sell it to me. They tried. Yeah, we'll do a show and get an extra crammer to go on your face so people can read the talk. I ain't doing this that long. This ain't my number one goal. I want to do other things. You're just investing for me to be on the road to the time I turn 65. That doesn't sound lucrative to me. It sounds very lucrative. Not just lucrative. It sounds very lucrative. But I'm never going to see that kid grow up. And that's what you guys are pushing for. I already lost the kid. I'm not doing this all the money. What I reached

now today as a human being, a 63, I've never had guys. I've never had. I'm not talking about anything. I'm talking about how I feel when I wake up in the morning. I don't have to wake up feeling I got a stab a motherfucker anymore. That's not a good way to wake up every morning, but it is a good way because it got me to where it got me. And there's one day in your life that you've got to go down. You've got to you got to turn that shit off because you ain't got it no. You ain't that dude. So knock it off. And I accepted it.

I was like, that's fine with me. Fine with fucking me. I got what I got out of fucking Joey Dears. Now it's time to be Coco. Get that little time, got arrested, going probation when you're 65.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Basas. You know what a lot do you want to break? There's nothing in common. Nothing that I'm striving.

No, it's not shoplifting. I thought it would be shoplifting. No. I'm like, oh, fuck. The opportunities we've had in life, why shoplift? That's a biggest man. We got to do something else stock fraud, invest in stocks, you know. I don't think they put you on probation for fraud. I think they send you to jail for brought in it. Something fun, something that we end up. Let's make a plan.

Like, not for you guys. Right. I want to live like Crazy Yetty, right? Crazy Eddie put his cousin through college and got him a job at the IRS so he can learn how to rob the IRS. Only a Jew could do that and fucking look at himself in the mirror and go, I did my mission and shit. Were you going to send mercy to work?

No, I want to do something like that. Maybe become a spy. I've been watching the homeland lately. May I become a fucking spy. I'm just bullshit, you guys. I just, listen, you just, I'm looking at life a lot fucking different than I was. I'm at the point. I'm at the point. where who gives the fuck? Who gives a fuck?

If you thought like this, if I thought the way I feel now with 25, shit. Me and George would have Coco and George Framing International. Paris, the village, Akron, Ohio. Yeah, fucking

the tax break. Only the biggest markets. Come on, Doug. Avana, Cuba, Panama, you know, that's who it meant out to be. That's who you're doing. DNA is.

Nobody wants to to fucking step up to the pump. And so I just got the lucky breaking life to step up. And now, fuck it. I see it for what it is. The probation, the drugs, I see it now for what it is. I'm like a fucking guru

on failure. You know what I'm saying? That's what I am. That's the name of this episode. The guru of failure. I think I thought you said the Google failure versus the guru. And then, you know, it's a true. And I've enjoyed every one of those failings.

I drive around sometimes, dog, before I almost got to a car accident. Because I was dayduring, you know, once I get to North Bergen, all bets are off. I don't even answer the phone. I answer it for you guys. Tell me there's no parking or you got pork chops or whatever. People call all the time. I don't answer the phone. Because once I hit McKinley and I make that right onto Point Pleasant, dog, it's like,

You robbed that place. Remember that place? Remember that place? You made out with this chick here. You did this here. You know, that's what it is. And it's like, holy fuck. I had some fun.

The failures have turned into fun now? I just drove past 51st. Again, I have a thousand stories I could say, and two million I can't say. Oh, my God. But as I drove past 50 first, I remember the shoe I thought out of that. Allegedly. That's the name of this episode. Allegedly.

There was a shootout down there in 83. In 84. Like I drive around now and I go, holy shit. Like I saw last week a house that I fell asleep and woke up one day. Like, I don't even know some Italian kid had like a party and I just went home with him. Fuck it. I'm going to sleep at your house, you know. And he put me out in the yard.

I don't know what the fuck happened. I woke up with a pillow, iced tea. Yeah, the mother put it out there. I was like on a little balcony sort of for rain. Oh, my God. I got to know where to go. I'm going to as well come home with you. And you just drove by that house?

Yeah, and I forgot all about it. And what do you think, like, made this difference? Like, why do you think you feel differently now? Like, you're able to look at the failure so nicely. I came back when I moved, first of all. Do you know what I left when I left, North Bergen? Do you have any idea? I left in the middle of the most chaotic time.

in North Bergen. Really? Yeah, the Marcos were getting out. There was a shooting by my house. A cop I knew shot the dude seven times in the back. Self-defense. People were getting beat up. There was gambling.

There was a lot. I was thinking about the story the other day. I can't mention no names. But there was only one guy there. There was two guys there that are in my life today. I remember. We were at Hash Race, at that stupid basketball.

court. We must have been 17. We were juniors. And we thought we were gangsters. And one of the guys from Corkies used to come into Ashways. Young guy, really good look in Italian. And if we were 17, 16, he was about 24. He was up from like North Jersey, Paul Lee. The war on the street was his father was a gangster. He was a big-time bookie for one of the families. Okay. We start talking we become buddies, everybody's gambling at that night. If you're a sophomore and up, you're putting 25 times in every fucking night to watch a Nick game, five times.

$25 to win, $30 to lose. I remember because in the eighth grade I was putting those in. We were putting in half, $7 parlayes. You know, that's this, that's what, you know, when you try it, and fucking, I put it better. The kid said to me at Hashraised something, and I put it in with him, and I won, and he paid me. and then like I doubled the bet

that bet lost I lost like 200 bucks well when was I going to get 200 bucks in 1981 when you're 17 so I called him a few times and he's like hey man I don't know what to tell you I go let me give you a hundred this week and like 100 next week and I'll give you an extra 50

the week after that because I actually like the dude I just lost you know I like the dude I just bet old man and he goes, you gotta have it by Thursday. I'll have what I can for you by Thursday. I can guarantee you 100. He goes, well, 100 ain't gonna cut. I'm dog.

Somebody from the neighbor. You're gonna threaten me? You know, all right, I'll see you Thursday. See you Thursday. We're playing basketball. And Thursday comes. We're out there after school, 3.30, 4 o'clock. And a van pulls up, like one of those love vans

from the fucking 80s, 70s. And then two other calls. cars pull up. Two guys got out of one car, two guys got out. Now, I'm on the basketball court. I'm playing, and I'm watching the shit, but it's all North Bergen kids on the court. And it's half like Project Rats. Like, I still remember two of the dudes who were there.

Raygo and my brother fucking Jackie Wacky Kettle. All right. And at that age, you didn't fuck with Jackie Wacky Kettle. At that age, you didn't fuck with anybody around that court. Because all those motherfuckers had to do was cross the street and get on that phone. And you'd have 300 fucking North Bergen project people running up that a fuck you up. And these motherfuck, like the Thomas family, they kill you.

There was a bunch of people from that neighbor. Then Randy Mergel, God rest of soul, these motherfuckers meant business. They were 64-3 field dudes. That's completely different animal back then. You got scared walking through there. Like, that was like Compton. You needed a right of passage. So I would have to see Raygo, Fernie,

I would have to bump into those dudes at Blue Flame. And then I could go into the projects behind Lincoln School. I'd had to pray that one of those motherfuckers was there. The Thomas family, it was like five little guys of blue eyes. One of them got caught on field day fucking the Indian chick in the bathroom across and the principals often. The Thomas family. The other one was the first guy ever to go on Boulevard East,

mug or pedophile, take him to his house, tie him up, robbed him and played the piano. He was like somebody's fucking piano. I'm not fucking kidding you. The Thomas family was gangsters back then. You had the luchies next to veneery. It was a fucking little gangster neighborhood. So guess who comes out of the van?

Two other guys with the dude I owe the money to. The money's in my book bag. In those days, we go to the court and play for sandwiches. Like a roast beef sandwich. What do you want to get? I am. All right, I'll play. you, and the whole team.

And in the middle of the game, the guy comes out with a fucking chain. A dude I owed the $200. A chain and five all the guys. And the guy kept hitting the fucking fence. We ended the game. One of those project dudes said, what's this? I go, let me go talk to my own money.

And those project dudes are like, this guy's crazy. Stepping up up here like this. This is the North Bergen was Buckwell. Three of those kids. father's fathers were cops. You know what I'm saying? Like, you come up here fucking around. Three of those fathers are a cop.

One of them works for Marco. One of them works for fucking this guy. You come up here and tango like that. And sure enough, those fucking project rats surrounded that guy with the chain. And Mike Runny. And James Willano. And they were like, he's going to give you the money.

But you ain't fucking swinging no chain up here. And the guy thought, the guy thought that fucking... He brought a chain for $200. A chain, like a metal link chain, to hit me with it. Jesus. Guy got in his car, threatened me, threatened those guys. I'll be back, I'll be back.

Five, six days. Never heard from one day I'm going to go, hash race. He goes, you hear my dad, dude? Your friend, I go, what? He hung himself. And now to a commercial break. We'll be right back, cock suckers. Hey, Uncle Joe here coming at you on a Tuesday morning.

Listen, if you want to be ready for action any time, You got to get that blue chew gold. Uncle Joey, what's blue chew gold? It's a four-in-one tablet that dissolves under your tongue. You take one and be ready for action as it hits you in 15 minutes. Listen, I took one one time. Forget about it. I was going bananas.

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You'll have those white shoes, the capoeuvre. like George, forget about it. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the podcast and thank you for supporting Blue True Gold. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I want to thank BetterHelp because this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Listen, everybody can use therapy. I got problems, you got problems. Therapy can help you be a better version of yourself like it did for me. I had a lot of problems when I moved here, but I called BetterHelp. We got on the phone for a few weeks. I got some exercise.

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Have a great week. We're back, Jack. Anyway, yeah, that was an interesting story. So there you go. That's how you fucking put suspense in the room. We did it. What else you got going on? Look at you.

You look at Zambo Smith. Well, what are you some? You won't fucking edible. I was, I did one Jew noise in Foxwoods, and it's because it's when you say stuff like that where you're surprised about like, you give me an edible and I get fucked up. then you're like, I didn't give you anything.

Why are you so fucked up? And that's when the June noise comes out. But the, oh my God. The funniest was when he's sitting there. You guys are talking to him. I could barely hear Lee. But he's just saying to me very Jewish. That's why I know Lee's a Jew.

He's like, I'm sweating. He was sending some to me. Why do you think? The whole night from my head. I kept saying, you didn't hear him going, why these things got me sweating if it's the muscle relaxes. Oh, you said it wasn't. You said at the beginning of the podcast,

wasn't the muscle relaxer. Yes, it was. It was the muscle. What do you think? But, really, I gave you way the half. No,

I didn't even feel anything from it. I was just, I felt like I was, I was high on the edible. You're not going to feel nothing. Listen, nothing happens.

That's why I like them. Because you don't have to go to back and you don't shit blood the next day. You shit normal. You blast one of those other people like the codeine's. Lee, I'm telling you, you saw me puke in that chicken cutlet bag. Oh yeah.

And that fucking thing was coming out. That's one way to put it. I saw you. here and that's that's that codeine. That's fine. The other shit just doesn't I need heroin. If you're not going to give me H, you know, would you do it, would you shoot up now?

No, no. Somebody would have to come over like a nice nurse with big dits. You know what I'm saying? Make me relax. Tell me stories like a Chinese girl. Right. Like in the old, old, old, old days, George would know where to get me here. Go to Chinatown and get me a nice little basement

where they rub your feet, shoot you. I can't imagine going like even like a they dye your hair blonde and shit you know what I'm saying you wake up looking like Joey dragon a member of the triads oh my god oh my god they had all those places is it creepy doing drugs with other people you don't know like like one of the like that's the people who want to do drugs with the people you don't know that you won't see him ever tomorrow anything that happens in that room that night you're so drugged out in the morning you don't even note that you're on the subway and your way back to Jersey. Oh my God, I eat a ass with a fucking flower in it.

You know, that's when you realize all the disgusting things you just did. And then you're on the train and then you're on the train and all of a sudden you read a sign. Get tested for HIV. I think I will. You know what I'm saying? You have that fucking thing in your mind that just starts eating at you. You're coming down from all the drugs. You don't know what you did, you know.

Remember that night we were talking and I was shaking? Yeah, you're staying outside. I was telling you shit that my soul had hidden that I didn't even remember. And it was the time of my life where I was living free, but it came back to haunt me because it fucked with me a little bit. I didn't like that. I didn't like that crazy life. You were telling me like a lot of sex story.

Yeah, like weird. Who doesn't, what do you mean? You didn't like the sex you were having? No, I never liked the sex I was having. I'm a fucking prude, man. I'm one of those guys after I bang out. You're like, you fucking pig. No, I don't.

No, I don't. I'm just saying that. No, I never enjoyed that part of my life. I've spoken about it. And when I left bold, I was like, I'm done with this shit. This is creepy, and it's got to be creepy now. But next generation, if it was starting to get creepy back then, listen, I come from an old school.

If I date you, I buy your four or five dinners, and you don't want to bang me, that's fine. I'd rather not. Right. It should happen organically. and then it does. But if you're going to call me at two in the morning after we went on two dates

and say, you want to come home and see my fish and we end up fucking and also you want to make a short film, you know, that's a complete different fucking world. That's the world that I could, you know. There's not a person. Huh? Yeah, like, right?

You meet people now. Everybody's Kim Kardashian. My friend about tea. I can't, you can't tell you on the pot. Comedy store. Told me you met a girl in like Michigan. Went back to her place. Everything was good.

And then the bitch came back with a camera. Oh, she wanted to film only fans? Oh, shit. Yeah, but he had a mask on like a devil and she would be like fucking Cleopatra Jones or some shit.

It's getting weird out there. That's not what I ever intended. I intended to be, I told you when I wrote, I thought to comedy, you were like a biker. Comedy didn't mean you were a comic and meant you were a biker.

You don't want to live the life that everybody else lives. You don't want to commit to eight to five. And you don't want to answer to nobody. You don't want to fucking have a dog. You know, you're not road warrior. You're just fucking doing stand-up fucking comedy. And what's going to happen? Oh, you're a comic. You know, I was telling, Benny, I was telling you guys about my friend that would go to different towns. I was friends for the few years. Never saw what I meant. It was always a story.

Where's your boy? I don't know. Some three years later, I'm on the road. And people were like, what happened to that girl? I don't want you. Man, every time she came here, she had a threesome. What are you talking about? Looking back, that was her freak. That was her freak. And that's how they said she did it. There was nobody at the comedy club. Nobody who worked at the comedy club.

She would go to the bar with a guy from the comedy club. Like a bartender, end up talking to a guy, and then he would have a friend, and they'd leave and do a threesome. And she'd get on the plane the next day and come home and like, oh, I went to bed at 8.30. I was tired. She was Ralphie's assistant.

Damn. Yeah. And that's a complaint. And you think about, you know, she's not a whore. She's not a freak because I see her during the week and she's normal. This is what she's into. She's into having sex with guys. She don't know.

What's that movie where the chick goes fucked? Oh, leaving Las Vegas. The chick's getting fucked by waiters and waitresses. And right there on the job. Right there on the job. They're taking it right into the back room. And she's like, you can see it's not about the fucking or the dick. it's about getting shit on.

I'm no psychotherapist, but, you know, when you have a daughter, you got to look into this shit. I wish I understood then. I don't understand it either. I pull a whip out or a ball or dildo. That woman would kick me through a fucking wall.

That's never even fucking crossed my mind. I think I crossed the line a little, like the third week we were dating, and that shit got shut down, not the regular shutdown. The shutdown when they sit down, when they sit up and go, here's their rules. Don't break them.

You're like, okay. And every once in a while you've got to push them, but, you know, when you love somebody that means, you don't want to tie him up and stabbing with two picks and all that shit. You know what I'm trying? No, I don't want to stab anybody with... No, it's a fucking expression.

No, but it's not, though. There's people... But I used to go to that condo in Miami. Okay. I knew I did a lot of bad things in that condo, but I saw things in that condo I should have saw. Because now I only knew there was a narrow amount of... comics that would go to that condo.

One day they actually called me and they go, when you're here next time, we've got to show you something. I went there, this is in 1999, and they showed me they found the box under a sink with the things gay men used to use, poppers. Like you pop them, give them, and you fuck them in the ass, and they don't feel nothing. Don't look at me like that.

You're telling us to go. You're looking at me like I sell paupers part-time. No, a pop was like a drug that, and there was something that you popped, and you actually put under somebody's nose. I remember I did it one time. Listen, when I was a child, this is why you see a pattern now.

Now it's something. Now you go on Instagram and what are they selling you? Cinderfill, Gimulimi, this, that for a heart on. When I was a kid, it was fucking Spanish fly. You got a powder, you put it in your water, you drank it, and you saw what happened. And we all experimented on one of our relatives. I had no grandmother at that time.

But I think fucking, one of the kids, Kids, North Pergin, had a grandma that he gave her. And he goes, nothing happened. I watched her for hours. She didn't scratch a pussy or nothing, you know. They used to be called. When I was a kid, I told it on stage the other night, and they blew up. I haven't even remembered that shit.

That just came out of my soul. When I was a kid, the first, forget Playboy, Penthouse, Horn. The first thing I ever saw was. was in Harlem. It came out every Thursday and the natives went fucking crazy. It was a Puerto Rican playboy. It was called Pika Pika. Okay. And it was just women, tremendous women. Jennifer Lopez asses, the fucking brown asshole. Everything was the monkey staring at you, a black guy and he'd have like a mask and she'd have to wear and she'd just black out the face. So it wasn't good when you're eight or nine, you want to see the face. You want to play with your little

nuggets. There was no face. You got to fucking, you're trying to bang one out to the face of some guy with a Satan mask on. You know what I'm saying? So now, you know, it's a different level. It's a different level. And then it became poppers. Somebody came to me and I was like, oh, bro, you give this to a chick. She'll lose a fucking mind. Okay. I played CYO basketball. I was a nun. I hugged her one day and I popped one of those things. I don't think I got her in the ear, but nothing happened. You know what I'm saying? She didn't suck nobody's dicks. Oh, my God.

I knew that shit didn't work. He had so many levels of bullshit. Thank God for the Internet now. Look, there was a fucking book that came out in 78, 77. George, I know you got it. I didn't. But two or three younger men put it all in my house. How to pick up women.

First off, the guy that was, listen, the guy who wrote the book, he only comes out. on October 30th and the 31st. He was like missing an eye. He was like that chick and killed Bill 2. You know what I'm saying? Fucking ridiculous.

Ridiculous. The shit they put us through as children. So now that's what I'm talking about being wiser. Now you see something. You're like, fuck, I did that 30 years ago. That's nothing different than it is now. It's just the same scam with a different fucking thing. Oh, yeah.

And then you see the scam that we're programmed. to go to Vegas and these casinos to lose. We're programmed. But in our hearts, we think we're going to win. Yeah. Like there was a famous gangster, and they said he lost on purpose just so he could talk about it for two hours.

Look at this motherfucker. Looking like Charlemagne right now. The guy who didn't win the Oscar last night. Oh, my God. He's such a fucking faggot, bro. I got to tell you, ladies and gentlemen. What a Timothy Shalema did do you? He didn't do anything, but just look at him.

He's just... The epitome of what men, priorities are fucking prick, too. And let me tell you some, that little Kardashian, she has no shame. They should just call a pussy United Nations. She's with that Bonnie,

Bonnie, she's with DMX's nephew, the little short guy that won the Super Bowl. We better than you, you know. No, she was with the fucking badass rapper, wasn't she? Travis Scott.

What are you? That's her baby dad? She got a baby daddy already? Oh, she's always out sucking dick. Who's still watching the kids? One of the nannies. I didn't watch any of the Oscars. And those kids inherit a billion-dollar family.

Yeah. Wait till that chapter comes out because they're going to have a show on forever. There's going to be these kids, like the Kardashian kids. Of course. What's the name? Mike Turner. What's his name of the father? Kanye West.

Kanye West. I turn the same difference. I still got the cuckers. Even on the fucking Monday that's raining, who gives a fuck? That's it, bro. Yeah, there's definitely going to be Kardashian shows. Yeah, forever. Now the kids are going to be fighting over the money.

They're all going to be worthless. If you think that little kid of his could rap, she's, you know, stop. And she gets, it's like my daughter. I don't take my daughter serious. And she comes to talk to me, I go, you know, I don't say it to her. I got a thousand fucking pimples. Where are you going? Like, what the fuck are you going?

And she gets the stuff. And I talked to the mother last week, and she's like, dog, it's just, she's at that age. But listen, when I met Terry, Terry had a couple fucking zits. And then she went on the medication and everything cleared up. Bro, this isn't just about fucking good things. I bring out the truth to you. she's a cute kid but all those pimples this time she gets in the car

and it's like a lump on her head I'm like mercy Jesus fucking Christ she had like a lump on her the other day I don't say nothing to her well yeah because she's a 13 year old girl I know she's going through a thousand things that's why I would never say nothing to her but I can't take you serious

you got all those pimples on your face what are you telling me about and I love her that's my angel you know I don't do shit but you know and listen I'm no fucking Prince Ragu either she was looking me like, who the fuck is this ugly

motherfucker? How are the fucking that I end up with Brent Flintstone as a dad? What the fuck? That is a good nickname for you though. Yeah. Prince Raghu. Listen, I ain't mad at her. Because she did the right thing. She waited. That little girl's a stone cold killer. That bitch waited to the party was good. She was always in my nutsack lurking.

I didn't know what you meant by then. Yeah. As soon as I popped, she popped. She was like a Russian. You know what I'm saying? they just appear. You get $3? All of a sudden a blonde Russian appears. Where have you been on my life?

Well, I just got $3. You know what I'm saying? The guru of failure. The guru of failure. Yeah, I'm no fucking a winner. You know, by no means. I don't try to blow my own like that.

I'm the guru of failure. But sometimes you've got to be the guru of failure to get you to that little fucking village. that little guru I have no idea what that means now I can pick my own village I want to be on probation I can be on probation

if I want to sit in my house and scratch my fingers and stick my nutsack I could do that How long do you think you'd last on probation I think you'd go to jail within the first one? What do I do? It's perfect for the way I live

Because you can't smoke weed and you can't tell them that I don't know the answer to this question There's always I'm over 64 You can't put Drano on your dick anymore? No, the dick is almost done. The dick is, one more drain-o shot and it's done.

It'll never come back. That was 30 fucking years ago, Lee. Again, I think about that shit. What kind of addict was I? I still remember one specific daily. And I was, when I first got out of halfway house, it took me about two months to get like a job. I got him convinced for a long time I was a detail.

And that worked for a long time. And then I started having to make money. So I told him I was helping out a friend. And we were laying brick in Boulder. Old school. He was a white dude, but he was a okay Mason. And I'll never forget getting the call at the job. Like, you have to call, like between 12 and 3 and calling in.

And my number came up, like, purple. And you've got to come in by 6. And I'll never go, holy fuck. I'm dirty as fuck. And thank God in my bag, I had some fucking shit you put on your dick the cleaner, the pool cleaner. I don't think most people put that on their dick, but yeah. I'll never figure going to one of those huts. You know those port-a-potty?

It already smelled like Lee's asshole when it blew out of the thing before. I had to go in there and actually take my dick out, which was half dead from the three days of Coke I was doing. That shit lasted. You know, the Coke in those days had like two inches. I'm like to send him in my dick and I had to pull the skin back and pour the drainer on it and then fucking zip it up there

just so it got into the pee hole and I still remember laying brick and going my dick's on fire like what the fuck am I doing? Why would you put that on your dick before you had to go there? You put it on the hours before? I was going like right from there

and I knew I couldn't stop with this guy in the car and I remember that my dick was on fire and I finally go I got to go he knew I was going to probation I went in there and I fucking peed And that time they didn't catch it They called me the next day and said the machine bro That I threw the test off

Not the machine bro I'm exaggerating I threw the fucking test off And from there it was just a play You know I was well I was Leo Donald de Caprio What's that movie he meant? Catch me now, catch me later Catch me if you can What is it?

Catch me if you can Catch me if you can It was just one of those games And it was hilarious Remember Mike Runny told you on the plane. He was there when I was doing fucking tons of Coke in my living room.

And I was doing that Coke with him. And I had no idea. And I looked at the side window. It's my probation officer, Jack. And I'm like, we went upstairs and kept snorting coke. He kept banging. I know you're here.

The sheriffs are out here. Surrender yourself. You can only be out there for two hours. We got two ounces. We could be held up in here for days. You know what I'm saying? So you just did Coke in the dark with like no sounds? No, we had lights upstairs.

I had a beautiful upstairs. With the windows or something? They had the, well, the baby's room. You went up the stairs. The baby's room was over here. But her window was, her thing was open. So you could see it if you were watching TV in the basement. This was a really short place.

And then our room was back here. We had a balcony. And the downstairs was fucking great because it was like you walked down. It was really classy in Boulder. Now it's probably like a low-run housing or something because it's been there. It was probably there 15 years when I got there, 20 years. Now it's 30 years ago, so it's 50.

But the cool thing about this, you walk down in the living room, boom, and then it turned into the little kitchen area to eat. And then you walked again. There was a bar, a bar here. The phone was here. Sink, boom, refrigerator. But there was a sliding door here, and there was a green room. in the house?

Yeah, like in the house, connected to the house, and it was air conditioned. So what did you grow there? My office was out there. Oh, cool. And that a view of all the bold, I could see cocoa's from that window and Kmart. It's a beautiful city like I could see all the stores.

That's cool, though. A greenhouse attached to the house? You didn't grow any weed in there? No, because probation kept trying to cut in my house. You're just not from outside. But I had a lot of coke in that, that motherfucker in that green room, like a motherfucker. I used to go in that green room solo on a Friday night and blast.

You loved hanging out in your office. Every office you have, you love hanging out there. Listen to me, I was on probation. And in those days, I was trying to keep it cool. You know, the wife, the baby. But the monkey was on my back. So I learned how to deal with it a little bit. But then I started roofing with my brother-in-law.

First three weeks was great. It was always a great job. Nine, it was a great job. Because then he brought guys from Jersey. This is 1990, and I guess Jersey had gotten an influx of Irish people, Irish workers. This is way before the Mexicans and Nicaraguans, the Cubans, well, the Cubans been here forever, so. But they had a bunch of Irish, and we got three Irish guys and a state trooper took vacation to go out there. He was older.

He took six months off to go out there and do this roof with us. That guy did more coke. those Irish dudes they started at 501 every night drink got off the roof we put the roof and shit on see you later I couldn't drink with them

I'd just get in the car with Mike and we'd drive home and I could see those guys would already have two cases of beer there and then the next morning they'd all come in smelling like booze but one night they got me out and they're like let's go back to your house and smoke and I'm like dog

there's no fucking way I'm walking in with four drunk Irish guys into my house with my luck. Both these are getting to a fight. The cops come. Now it's domestic violence and probation violation because there's two Irishmen cursing each other out. That's a probation by the way.

There's them, Dublin. The other ones are fucking Catholic. Those Irish always have problems. So, yeah, when they're together, get like six of them, also on the old, once they hear the bagpipe, oh, but you're from, you know, you don't need that aggregation. They get really upset.

suck, yeah. So, uh, what was I say? You said the Irish people that wanted to come over and do coke with you. So they want to come do coke with me. And when I would go, okay, and this is, this is how I got out of the house and it was days to do coke. When I lived 50 yards from there, it was a two-bedroom flat. She would go to bed. The baby's room was here. And I come home and I watch TV after I sold cars. And before I went home, when I got home, my dog always had a go out.

What was his name? Hercules. Hercules. I got to go. Hercules didn't want to go out. Hercules didn't want to go out. Hercules was like, it's cold out there, dog. Where are you taking me? I would take him to a liquor store and buy six cans of Budweiss. But it was so cold out it was snow, so I would bury the beer in the snow. So nobody would know I had the beer in the house. Would you get in trouble if you had beer?

I was on probation. My wife was watching me like a hawk. You know, she was serious about it. So I would come in, ooh, it's cold out there. Are you coming to bed? No, no, no. I'm going to watch. And those days, USA had a show at 9 o'clock about music, videos,

till about 2 in the morning. Then a movie would come up. I loved that show. Midnight something on USA when I was a kid. All the way till fucking I was 20-something. What am I talking about? But, and then whenever I would do a line of coke in the bathroom. I was not in the living room, but then when I needed to drink a beer.

Hercules, you want to go out? And he goes, fuck no. We just got 20 minutes ago. Take him out. Grab a beer, go for a walk, drinking, go to the garbage outside. We come back. We do that until 5 in the morning. Back and forth.

All night, the door would open every 20 minutes because the dog had to pee. And then one weekend I got so high, I didn't let the dog out to pee at all. I wouldn't even open the door. When that dog was a puppy, I fucking. and stayed in from a Friday. And by Monday, he was in the thing, that poor dog peeing in the garage. But fuck, I let him out like Saturday night.

He was in there like 24 hours. He was ready to bust. He's like, Dad, you got to stop jerking on. I got to go pee. I was so high that week, and I hid the Coke in the sink with like 10 bags. How do you hide it in the sink? You put it in a baggie,

and I would seal the top one only. If the cops came, I'd turn the water on. Please. This is the mind of an attic, dog. Hook does not sound like fun. No. Every time he described. This is like when mice told you in the beginning of the show, that everything is fun for three nights, four nights, and then you see you get hooked and now you see the dirt.

Now it's completely different. There's no jumping. What's that movie? Man on fire. When fucking the dude comes to Mickey Roark and he says, listen, if you decide to go on year around, Mexico's not the place. No margarita, no tacos.

You know, he's like letting them know. Right. If you go on that side of the fence, there ain't no fucking playing. I remember that part. Yeah, when he goes in to tape the house and the kid wants to bring the money on his own. Oh, right, right, right. And he school them on what not to do.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah. So that weekend, I got in Coke like a month earlier. The Coke was pink. It was so fucking good. I got two ounces. I took an ounce and gave it to a dear friend of mine. Ten years later, I found out he was a D-A age.

No. We don't know. I tried to put that chapter in the book. I knew this guy for years. Something was never fucking right. And why did you give him an ounce of Coke? Because I wanted him to take it from me. I didn't want access to it.

It was so good. And he was an active D-E agent at the time. He was an electrician that also taught me how to break alarms. This is scary when I found out of years later. He was sending you up for something big. No shit. And something made me get the fuck out of that. How's that one for you?

Why would he tell you how to break alarms? What was like the... Anyway, we can't go to everyone. Okay. The show's not that long time. All right. He didn't. When I first met him, I was as apprentice electrician.

Okay. we became dear friends he had just moved from Minneapolis something wasn't right his wife was fucking gorgeous and I don't know if she could have kids or not I was 19 18 and they'd have me over every Friday

like fucking nobody like second mom and dad and he was young he wasn't you know they were both you know he was a good looking dude too good looking they knew a lot of shit but I worked as him you know I worked for like a year and I was

tight with him and I came. At that time, he taught me about alarm systems and shit. And then when I came back, he moved out of that place. He lived in an Aspen now. Something wasn't right about this building. I went in there maybe five times. And at that time, one day, I went in, his name was Bob. That was his street name.

Bob. I forget what our name was. And I became dear. I trusted him. He was like family. And I gave him an ounce of Coke. I told him, hold on to it. and I took the other ounce.

I sold half of it, and I snorted the other half. And then I had this ounce put away. And it was my wife's brother's wedding. And she looked at the kid from Hollywood there. That's what he looked like when he lost the Oscar. You know what I'm saying? I saw he was looking at the black guy, you fucking cock sucker. I guarantee he looked at that white chicken.

He goes, I can't believe it. You fuck black dudes. So what were saying? Oh, no idea. So I went over there on a Friday afternoon. My fiance at the time was taking an Aspen Airway flight to Boulder. And they were going to have the wedding on Saturday.

I was going to meet the family, stay over. This was the first time I was going to do something with the family outside. I'd be taking their daughter to San Francisco, the cops calling the house, and it was just like these people weren't ready for Uncle Joey. So this is like, you're going to go, you're going to meet the whole family, you're going to be very nice,

you're going to have a good time. I got to go to Boulder for a week, and I got to bring some coke with me for the wedding. So I saved an ounce of this shit. I picked it up at 4 in the afternoon, and before I left this house, I did two big fucking spoonfuls, and I called one of my friends,

and I go, listen, I'll sell you like an ace. I love you, but that's it. And then he came over and me and him hung out like nothing, but then he left. And I'm like, man, it's me in that fucking ounce. I'm starting to snort, Bob. 7 o'clock at night. I finally go for a ride.

I get everything I need. Wine coolers, gosh, fucking. And I just could go. I didn't even wake up Saturday. Saturday morning my flight was at 8. I ain't making that one. and she called me. Are you, you not, we're at the airport.

Where are you? And I'm like, you're not going to believe what happened. I can only make the 11 o'clock one. She's like, fine, we'll change it. Oh my God, we were so worried. 11 o'clock, I was more fucked up than I was at 8 o'clock. I'm like, listen, I'll get down to 2 o'clock. You're going to miss the reception.

That's fine. I'll be there to dance with you. Fucking, didn't get on the 5 o'clock, didn't get on the 7 o'clock. They just stopped. calling like an 11, she knew. And I was in there. I had been in there for two fucking days. Two fucking days. I was hiding the rest of the coke in the sink. I was pissing in a bottle. It was fucking, I was watching the woman in red with Gene Wilder and Kelly LeBrock.

And there's a scene, she runs out of bed and you see her bush. I froze it on VHS. You know how good you got to be to freeze it on VHS? And they sit there for hours banging out. And nothing. Nothing would come out. It's Sunday morning. He's nothing going to come out. You're basically hydrating on beer and water. You had like two chips the day before. You don't know what that feeling is like.

How many times do you have to go back and forth to actually freeze it at the right spot? Because you're not going to get it on the first try. Well, I was a pro by then because in the early 80s, if you rented a hotel and you didn't get the porn channel, the channel is still there, but it was crooked. Oh, yeah. So you got to, like, fucking wire it.

And then you see the guy coming in the face that it would slam. You have to tell a hold on one second. Let me get this right. Oh, I'm like, I can't even imagine. I have no idea what that's like. Like just being stuck in a, like, did you, when you were on the phone, would you like think you were going to stop doing Coke?

Or was it like, you just knew it was going to. I was hoping that I would stop and get the courage to drive to the air. But I knew I wasn't leaving the door. I knew so much that now it, so I stayed up all night Friday night. now it's sad and I was starting to get dark

I got some beer I'm what's that word called when you're putting it away like during the pandemic people put stockpiling food and going okay I'll drink this after 10 I was still looking at a half ounce of that coat that's a lot late

what do you start with now it's like 24 grams and I had like I had done like 10 and that I told you that Coke was powerful as shit. The pink stuff. I wasn't seeing things, but my house, at that time, I lived over the garage. But I didn't live in over the garage.

I lived in the man's house because he lived in California. I was he going to know, I'm in his fucking house. I'm in the couch smoking cigars and shit. I got a jacuzzi in the back. I got a steam room in the back. Oh, yeah. I had a guest room. I had 10 guest rooms in that fucking place.

That's the house I showed you years ago. It's worth, like, you can rent it for $100,000. in a month. In Aspen during the ski season, 100 G's. Ba, bar, like fucking Mickey Regerio

paid Sonny Black's rent. 200 every week. Ba! He had to take care of him, the mistress, and he had a mistress for the mistress. That's a great line. So, yeah,

that was a rough weekend. So now, what happened at the house? It's two, three. Well, now I go over into the house to check it because I got stuck in the little house. I would have been in the big house, but I would have been too paranoid.

There's too many windows and noises and shit. I mean, there were windows right in the living room. There was a fucking huge fireplace, right? It was over here. This was like a, and then right there were the mountains. So if a wolf came over and I saw a wolf, I would die of a fucking heart attack. So I knew I couldn't snort in that house.

It was a special cabana that I had to snorting over the garage. But I went over and I saw that somebody broke into the back door. You could see that where the door opened, and you could see two sets of people. I knew they were onto me. I knew somebody was on to me. This isn't no fucking paranoid story. I'm coming at you with this story

because years later, I got all the information of what was going on. It all went down because a woman, accountant, was robbing the city of Aspen. And her husband ran the so-called, what it, DDW? in Snowmass Village, which was basically shoving slow,

you know, garbage and fucking salt. Okay. She was robbing the money, and they were doing a bunch of coke. They got her on robbing the money, and the only way they would let her off is if he made buys for them. Every time he'd come to my house,

he'd talk about, let's meet outside, let's meet here, this guy wants to meet. You come alone. There was always something. And Aspen had a bunch of drug dealers, that had been there for years and they knew all the movements.

If a DA guy came to town, he stayed at the red roof, there was no fucking, there was no, what do you guys do? Reddit? No, the other one. Airbnb? They would have to stay in plain sight.

So everybody knew when they were at the red roof end. When they were at the red roof in, operations closed down. It was fucking weird. They added down that fucking wired. They protected their investment up there. Jack. And he was setting you up the whole time? So I didn't know any of this. I closed the door, but I noticed that not my heart's even worse. Okay? Now my paranoids growing. So now I'm doing two

shovels a shot now. About four in the morning, I got so fucked up. I just died of mind when the morning. They came to the house. What's going on, Joey? Man, I didn't even open the door for the cops. I know. They're out there. He's like, out where? I go, search your around and he came back and he goes we didn't see nothing but around the back there's some tracks I'm telling you and the kind of goes all right call us if we have any problems all right now later again I'm going they're out there they come again show you open the door please what's up listen I don't know who's out there they're trying to kill me and all this shit you know I didn't say kill and he closed the door and then finally the door knocks again

And he goes, hey, put the bag away, okay? Put the fucking bag away. You want me to take it? I ain't got nothing. I thought he's going to arrest me, bro. And meanwhile, the dog's over here. Let me go out. She's pissing on the wall.

And that Monday, I never forgot, I cleaned up that Sunday. I just ate stayed there. I was disgusted. I finally talked to her. She landed on Sunday night. She didn't talk to me. me. And that Monday morning I woke up. I knew I didn't have a home. I woke up and I went right to the police station. And I walked in the chief of police. And what did the guys told

him? Oh, the other night, somebody fucking put like meth in my water. There wasn't even no meth in those days. What water? Like the water in your house? I made up a fucking story that was at the bridge fucking bar, the hotel, which is still there. It's right down the block for where Ted Bundy got his first victim in Colorado and shit. I'll never forget that bar. That's a great bar. got a job there just for the security job. So I was going to put a safe in there so I could sell coke out of there. I'm way ahead of you. We got more stories.

But what was I say? You said you went to the police station and told him that someone put a meth in your water. Wait, I want to talk to the chief of police. And I went in and then, I go, hey, man, thank you for doing great work the end of night. Thank you for sending your police officers. I don't know what they were thinking. I said, you know, I went to that war. I sat next to some hippies.

And I don't know. I was late. I felt like I was on acid. And I'm like, man, tell people to beware the acid. That's how fucked up I was. I'm telling the cops to wear I'm putting them on acid. There's no acid. I just have three quarters of an ounce of cocaine.

Your nose is bleeding as you're telling them. And the cops looking straight at me after like 30 minutes. He goes, Joey, put the bag away. What date you got, Tarzan? This weekend, 19th to the 21st. I'm in Lexington, Kentucky with Josh Wolf at, Comedy Off Broadway. Okay.

And then the first and the second at Uncle Vinnie. Oh shit. Point Pleasant. Get ready. Uncle Vinnie's. Lee Syatt. Get the dinner package. You know what I'm saying?

Lee gets a bonus if you get the cheesecake. But it'll be fun and I've heard the food is good. The food is very good. Try it. And I'll be at the Nashville comedy motherfucking festival. April 18th, two days before 420. No, I will not stay for 420. I got shit to do.

I got to see the doctor that day because on the 23rd, they cut the knee. But I'm back like the Bionic Man, August 7th. What's the name of the joke? Oceans Casino, Atlantic City. Book your room now because rooms are fucking booking. They're flying in from everywhere. Acapulco, Venus, you know what I'm saying? I got a couple of Iranians coming in for the fucking show with a drone on their hat,

like a little propeller hat with a drone. I got them all showing up. So I'll see you then. See me before the surgery. We're fucking putting great shows together on the road, guys. I'm not bullshying you. Been a lot of fun. We're back.

I'm Coco now. I don't give a... Listen, who's watching? A lot of people are watching. Nobody's watching. They don't give a fuck about what comes out of my mouth. No, no, I thought, yeah. I was all part of the fucking circus we sat in front of six years ago.

People started dropping names and nothing happened. Nothing happened. What happened? That's why I loved the movie to see. When I watched that, thief. Well, I was 18, it set me up for life, like three of those scenes. Willie Nelson tells him not to lie to no one. If they care about it, you're going to fuck it up with a line. At the end of the day, who the fuck are you that you got to lie about it? And he tells

the other shit about when he was in prison and he went at one of the guards. And anybody who attacked that guard usually died. And he goes, I walked onto the field. I have to spend four months in the hospital. And I had like a wrench in my pocket. And the chick goes, and what happened. He goes, you know what happened? Nothing. That's what happened. By me knocking that dude out, nobody haven't messed up me again. Some of those prison facts, though. Fuck you. Anyway, the edible's hit already. God bless you guys. See you November 20. I'll be in

Austin this week, Thursday night. I got the early show, but listen, they're selling tickets for like two grand online. Did you see that shit? Really? Yeah, for like a $2.00 for like a $35? ticket, but you can't. Because to go, you have to bring your ID. You can't scalp there. So I don't know what they're doing. And you'll always be back.

Somebody sent me like a thing on Facebook to their messenger. They're like, did you see this? Levity. Oh shit. Levity, West Nyack, April 1st. Brooklyn. Brooklyn? No.

See? I'm sorry. Don't interrupt me, motherfuckers. Westniak, I'm the first. The ninth, it's a bucket show at the dojo. and then on the 15th, we're at Brooklyn and shit. Improv. What's the name?

What's the name in the song? No. Sleep to Brooklyn. All right. See you next week. Thank you for watching the show. We love you. Stay black.