Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The King of Stink Bombs

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about his love for stink bombs, one of his childhood friend getting knocked out at a concert this weekend, the thing he misses most about stand up and much more! The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You know, I'm watching this thing me and I know I'm gonna get a lot of heat for this But I'm watching this presidential debate as a fucking goof, right? Like I knew it was gonna be fucking hilarious. I Wasn't gonna miss this cuz you know, I ate a couple mushrooms And I was fucking gone and I'm sitting there going wow, this is deep but My wife asked me what did you think afterward? And I go this there going, wow, this is deep. But my wife asked me, what did you think afterward? And I go, this is what I fucking think. And no disrespect to anybody. Biden's old, I don't even know who's

a good or bad president anymore. I just keep pushing. You know what I'm saying? He's just the guy that stands on the corner from fucking Chinese people for me. You know? And then you got the other guy, Trump, who I like. But let me tell you the point in our lives that we're at, guys.

You're looking at that. It's really sad that Americans in this day and age have to make a decision between these two guys. at the end at the day end of the day the guys are felon again i'm not saying nothing bad about them but that's what we have to make a decision based on as americans right now we're getting like the fucking worse whatever you know and nobody else is popping their head up. Nobody else Would have control again politics means nothing to me, right? Because most people still got to get up and take the train to New York City for $35 one round trip 35 fucking dollars that after all last week with the fucking

The heat they canceled all those trains they raised the prices today No, the American. Yes, they did the 1750 each way 35 now do I keep the train? No, I don't take the fucking train at the Penn Station But type of guy I am I'm thinking about the guy who has to work there every fucking day. You're losing to work there every fucking day. You're losing, like 150 a week at least, just to get into work. 175 a week, right?

35, 70, and 70 is 150. So you got 175, that's 700 a month, just to commute before you fucking eat a sandwich, before you get a fucking $8 coffee, you know? So these are the things I look at. All right, and you know, then what I also have at the concerts, right now the prestige of the concert world, the tickets are ticking down. Like people are like, holy shit, last summer I did 800, this summer I'm doing four.

Like that's the reality of it you know. But half of these bands don't belong on the road anyway it's mediocrity. So we're accepting mediocrity at all levels from the presidency all the way down to fucking tickets you know it's it's we are tickets. We are a country that we lowered our standards, and that's not good. We're America, baby. We're America, baby. We push people around. We sling dick. And not even that. We're cutting edge. Not anymore. Not any fucking more. And people say that we're getting laughed at around the world. Listen, something's got to change. Something's got to give.

I hope it gives before this becomes something ugly. But just the fact that fucking there was a felon on the presidential stage. Right. But, and even, like, take both of them off the, like, I'm 35. I don't know if I've seen, like, one politician that, like, I actually, like, my entire, like, is there one, I don't think, I think all of them are liars. I think they all use it for their personal gain, which I get but like it's

They're going up there like it mean like what they say means anything I get it all there. It doesn't mean anything they're just trying to win and then whatever they want to do when they get in there is what they do I I feel worse for the musicians because like they at least that's how they make their money right on the road Like they don't make any money if they don't go on the road So I get I get that well some of these bands weren't putting that not anyway, right? Let's get is out for the 18th time the tour Another farewell tour and the brothers have been dead for fucking 34 years or something since my mother died in 79

I mean, you know we have as a country we have It's mediocrity. It's mediocrity. We don't even go for the good anymore. It's mediocrity. I've been in Jersey here for fucking years. You know me, I'm a fat fuck dog. I love the look of food and you know me, even the food. Like if I don't go to my restaurants or my good know me. Even the food. Like if I don't go to my restaurants or my Good Little Haunts, the food is all the same. And it tastes the fucking same. And people will tell you, this is the best.

Yes, I had it. My daughter is fucking triple header. There was like a two hour wait. So I said, let me go to the wheat store and get some refuel for last game And my wife called me she goes I'm going to a pizza place around the corner I went over there and the pizza best pizza in town Go get me a sausage porn

Today is cheat day for me. I Fucking took three bites and threw it away. No Red was awful The sauce is nobody has a spicy Italian like flavor anymore. It tastes like fucking Jones's little sausage links with mozzarella cheese on it and the guy cut the sausage Okay, it looks like kielbasa. I'm like Now especially if you're high and then you get an interview still don't like it when you're hot cuz I'll eat Yeah, I'm high. No, I won't like it when you're hot cuz I'll eat any time I'm high No, I won't eat it. I threw it away and fucking a corn nuts. Oh

It's how pissed off I was I ate when I got home and shit. I don't believe it's funny. I did a What is it called when you raise money for like a show whatever it's called they were raising money for a fundraiser for a softball thing last night and I was trying I've been trying to like Adlib some stuff so I just made some jokes about Taking edibles like taking edibles at a softball game getting like they'll bring their cups and they get drunk It blows my mind like how like those games those sporting events the parents get fucked up Like you're by far like you're not you're probably the most sober one there

I had most of these events well I'll tell you what the first three years we played it was a lot of fun I never drank but the people would drink them which for me was a little much for me yeah my business I do fucking mushrooms and reefer. I can't judge somebody because they drink but it was a Couple times I dosed a couple parents one time a parent couldn't fucking get up. We had a walk into the car You know But we played them this year and I couldn't believe how wack they were and But we played them this year. And I couldn't believe how wack they were.

And from what I'm hearing, they're whacked every time they play. The coaches, the assistants, the fucking coaches, too. Mm-hmm. Damn. And they got mad at me. The old team got mad at me for smoking dope at a game in my car, fucking a half a mile away from the stadium.

It wasn't my fault the wind was blowing. What am I, a fucking sailor? I don't know Nautical not Joe. I don't fucking know that about this shit And like the kids game is like you kind of have to be high All you're gonna do is sit there and cheer anyways and like stare when people like parents get into fights when they're drunk They start yelling you're never gonna do that Hi, like the kids game is almost you kind of have to take an edible sometimes I've witnessed two fights and I didn't even get up off my chair

Really? What were they fighting about? One day the coach from another team said something and it was kind of You could have taken it both ways. I didn't take it the wrong way, but the girls parent did and You could have taken it both ways. I didn't take it the wrong way, but the girls parent did and They started yelling at each other from the fences and people were pulled and people were held and Then in a tournament last year one of the moms got drunk and went over to the other side started yelling I'm like she's gonna get beat up. That's got nothing to do with me domestic violence gonna be big here today She's gonna get beat up. That's got nothing to do with me domestic violence gonna be big here today Because this is new jersey you start drinking at one of the softball games a wife punches another wife

Her husband gets involved. That's like fucking not for me. I don't even want to be in the footage No Let me tell you what? so sadly I had three fucking games. Okay I had a party of five. I got home like at 430. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere. I got And I got a fucking relax for a while It was one of those days you're out in the Sun you walk a mile To get your car then you got to bring equipment back and you forgot your fucking lighter, you know

I'm wiped. It was like six thousand steps and I didn't even exercise. It was just walking to the fucking car back. I Got home. I take a little nap for like 45 minutes. I get up and my buddies playing at 7 o'clock About 45 minutes away Now I know Mosquito bit me damn right behind the fucking neck Jesus Christ that cocksucker these Jersey mosquitoes. They bite you in the weirdest places They don't bite you in the arm. They'll buy on the bite you on the toe Don't like how they heal fucking Jersey mosquitoes a cocksucker 30 cocksuckers. So

You know, it was starting at seven, I thought. And then I started at eight. So I took a shower, got dressed, jumped in the car, and went down. And now before I knew I'm going down, I'm walking into the fucking mouth of the line. People are going to torture me, the whole thing. But I get to see my buddies.

My buddy from the eighth, from the seventh grade, it's his band. And know, and all my other friends that live down the shore now go to those ones. Then he has events up north. Okay. Friends up north, I don't tell these people when I'm performing. And you're gonna find out why.

Yeah, and I love them. I love them all like family, I really do. It was a great night for me. I saw a couple people I hadn't seen in a long time. I saw one of my brothers. I saw another brother that I haven't spoken to maybe 30 years. Him and I were very tight together.

We were out in Colorado for a while. I saw some girls. And then one of my buddies was there. Oh Jesus. One of my buddies was there. That I used to go to a bunch of concerts with right I had a tremendous smoothie for lunch I made upstairs I think I put too much yogurt in that motherfucker today my stomach is fire jack protein yogurt coconut well I fucking doped it up today so me and him used to

go to a lot of concerts man when we kids, we hung out tight from like maybe 1980 to about 19, we hung out tight for maybe two years. All of us were a little drug group, and we'd go to all the concerts, and we went to see ACDC with Def Leppard. We went to see Ozzy. We went to see fucking Judas Priest. I mean, me and these guys went to a lot of shows together and good shows

One of the best stories is where I became the ball buster dilute. We went to a concert the city I think I went to see AC DC that time and With the new singer it was the first tour back in black And we did window paint acid Okay, and we'll walk on the paper. Okay, it's on the paper. No, it's not a paper. It's like a four-way This was like a four-way four tabs for ten bucks You could do one or you could do you could split it four ways. I just take the whole one I mean why fuck around?

So you're walking in the garden so be honest to be to be honest if you he got the story one. I mean, why fuck around? So you're walking into the concert. So to be honest with you, he got the story wrong. When I thought about it at home, we mixed up stories. We had gone to a couple concerts together. But one night, we came back and we took a bus. And it was a wrong bus. So we ended up in Fairview, New Jersey, and we had a walk like maybe two miles home You don't know biggie. You're on acid. You don't want to go home. You're giggling and

Somebody must have broken into a business and the alarm was going off. This is about 1130 at night. Wow Wow, wow, wow And after a couple minutes, this guy stops. He looked at me, he goes, bro, none of you guys are reacting to that siren. And we're like, no. And I look at my buddy, I'm like, don't say nothing to him. And he's like, no, I don't hear the siren.

He's like, we walk like two more minutes. He stops again. He's like, you gotta tell me you motherfuckers don't hear that siren. And we're like, I'm telling you, we don't hear it. You're just hearing things. And he's like, no, no, I'm not hearing things. This acid isn't doing this to me.

And we're like, bro, just keep walking and relax. I don't hear no siren. And he's like holding his ears. I mean, it was loud. He's holding his ears going, how the fuck do you not hold that? So we're like on a busy fucking road like Kennedy Boulevard and he's looking around and we're still in Fairview. We're walking down by the, there's a diner up on Fairview Boulevard there before you hit North Bergen.

And he looks around, he's sweating, you know, it it just rained it just rained and it was humid and the acid he was fucking drenched all of us were But to make matters worse the green light was on cars are going back and forth This motherfucker looked in the middle of street and just took off Go off into the middle of street Cars are beeping at him and shit. I'm like, that's it are beeping out of me shit I'm like that's it this guy's dying tonight I'm like thank God somebody's gonna get hit by a car thank God and all of a sudden he bends over he takes the water from a puddle oh no I hold on the street with like fucking ants on it and shit.

And he goes over to the puddle and starts throwing the water in his face. He goes, I can't stop hearing this siren. He must have thrown 10 handfuls on his face and just ran fucking home. How old were you? 16. I love that.

Do you think it was the acid that like you and your buddy like connected? About 17, huh? Well, you would like to was it the acid that you and your buddy connected like we're going to fuck with this guy? Fuck with this guy. We knew it right off the bat. We left the whole fucking way home. He ran home. We went by his house.

We not we threw rocks at the window. He wouldn't answer it and shit. He's still hearing it. Oh, my God. And this and this guy you saw at the show was the second guy This guy at the show was no no this guy was the one we did it to no Yeah, I was tight with him. We were real tight. I kept in touch He lived in Florida with my other buddy. My buddy died when he moved back. And then he's been thrown off Facebook like eight times. You know, he's a Trumper. He argues with people on Facebook.

He had to go to a Facebook therapy group, you know, Facebook sends you for six weeks. Was he like the first Owen Benjamin? Why you're giving people drugs and they lose their mind. He lost his mind. So Saturday night I'm talking, give him a big hug and he's telling me like it was his birthday. Okay. He's telling me how good it was to see and it was good to see him and another drug dealer ex drug dealer buddy of mine that's

a fucking me and him were criminals and now he's like fucking Johnny bananas. And so I'm talking to him, you know, and there's a lot of people that a lot of old girls like that you grew up with and I was talking to them and I was trying to watch the band and I go, I'm never going to watch the band. These people aren't going to let me like they got to keep asking me creepy question. Right. And a bunch of the wait staff and the manager came over, we'd like to take a picture. I said, Absolutely.

I mean, the bar was great. The the bar was great the food looked good I just wasn't you know in the mood to eat I was just in the mood to fucking giggle and see people so I walked to the stage for the second set and that's when I noticed things are getting a little wild people started dance like hillbilly moves to Huey Lewis in the news and shit And that's when I get fidgety and shit and one of my brother knows me came up to me And he goes hey Lisa's looking for you his wife, you know, who was a dear friend of mine. She know he goes. Oh, there you are He goes Lisa's looking for you, but she thought you left already. And then say goodbye.

I go, no, no, I'll say goodbye to him before I leave. She goes, she thought you slipped out the back door. I go, no, no, not yet. I look and I see one of my buddies dancing like a lobster, like creepy crawler. And I was like, well, it's time to go. So. She called it before, I wouldn't have been surprised if you just left. I looked at the clock It was about I got there about 715. It was about 930. I was starting to get it you're ready

I took some edibles I had but they didn't work some fucking crazy shit. I had I just took them to see what happened They didn't work. So all these people fucking waiting there and talking and all this and something I just turned around And started walking towards the door And I saw my one Drug dealer buddy good guy good guy. We were we've been friends since we were 15 And I just smiled and I saw somebody else. I just kept walking towards the door Right. I keep walking towards the door. And then the guy that ran home and put the puddle of water in his face,

I hear, boom, bah! And I hear a bunch of women yelling. He got knocked out. Some guy hit him, punched him really hard. He banged his head on the bar and then he banged his head on the sidewalk. So, like I looked over, I wanted to see what was going on, but everybody was rushing and I go, I don't want to get over there because they take pictures and I'm going to jail for

20 years. Somebody's going to say I grabbed them, I'm going to get sued. So I just kept walking towards the fucking door like nothing happened, you know, and I just went to my car, everybody was running from the commotion. I just got my car, started it and took off. And then when I got home people call me got knocked out The ambulance had to come and put him in the ambulance. He woke up in the ambulance. He didn't know his friends were his shit I'm like, that's cuz he's got acid left in him from 19 fucking 80

It knocked it loose that's cool because if you hadn't left there would have been a problem Well, you would have got stuck there You what you might got roped into it. I would have gotten involved off off the bat, but there was 200 guerrillas there He didn't need my fucking 61 year old fat ass and he's 62 So he was going to a fight when he's 62 listen At my age, I'm not going out looking for no problems. I ain't no fucking UFC fighter. I'm here to protect myself If I could do I'll do the best I can but I'm not Going out the bars and getting drunk and telling people political shit and fucking you know That's the wrong shit to talk about when you're fucking drinking now, but anyway, let's get this motherfucker started greetings

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What up MOOC good to see you buddy It's a beautiful fucking Tuesday our new month a new set of rules a new set of fucking heat a new set of problems It's beautiful. Oh I was laughing right before we started you were telling a story about just like leaving I did that at a bar I had to go up to Maine for my day job and they went out to we were out on a boat and Then we went to dinner and then they wanted to go to another bar and I was there for about 12 minutes and They had a DJ and people were dancing

And I just there's nothing I like more than leaving really anywhere. I love just walking out. So is that something that you do a lot? I never, I've never like, you always told me when it's time to go, it's time to go. But like, I didn't know you were. Once we see this, that means wrap it up.

We got 30 seconds. We don't even have a minute We got 30 seconds. I'm already on the way out Things are already starting to get fidgy I see people once I see people getting drunk like people already like the other night when I got there Nobody was drunk. It was 715 right? He's got all my age of 10 years younger. They've been drinking since they were three, right? He's they have six beers now and their tolerance goes down and they get loose. A lot of those people also work.

They don't like, I was talking to one girl on tight with, she's like a fucking regional manager for ShopRite. She retired from Pathmark. Wow. ShopRite hired her out of retirement. So she was telling me, she goes, I stay in every fucking night. But when I come here, I start drinking three hours before I get here. She was fucked up. Wow. So I didn't I wasn't going to judge anybody. And I'm like, bro, everybody has a different journey. These people probably work six days a week. When they have that one day off, they go fucking ape shit without their kids

and the husband, you know? That one day off they go fucking ape shit without their kids and the husband, you know, oh, yeah But I even for me it's not even like a bar thing. Like I love It was just people going over to someone's house. I I get uncomfortable I'm good with like two or three people and then it just starts to be like I get quiet I just I I don't it might not be it might not be a good thing, but I just prefer to be by myself my lips Let's get the fuck out of here I'm the type of listen What's that movie with Denzel where he says you don't have no time for goodbyes or something fire. Yeah

Once I saw that I go. I'm not crazy. No, I hate saying goodbye to people Especially I'm not crazy. No. I hate saying goodbye to people, especially the last 10 years, because I'll never leave. I'll never get out of that. Really? Once they start drinking, hey, one question. Yeah, I went to play bocce, and I didn't know the kid next to me was like a JRE historian. Oh, no.

Next to me. He was all giggly and weird and shit, and I'm, alright and right away we started talking I could tell this guy was a JRE Fucking historian and he wasn't gonna let me go If he had four drinks of them forget No, I want to chit chat. I'm not drunk. So I'm on a different fucking level I'm high and maybe I'm sober and you want to talk to me drunk and tell me a story That's gonna last and last and last. I gotta go

Call me in the fucking morning and we could go over this But when it's time to go it's time to go. I don't want to hear no story I'll tell you whatever you want to hear on the way to the car be right back Let me go get you a joint. I got 500 in the car for you. Wait right there. I'll go get it Gone Go get you a joint. I got 500 in the coffee. You wait right there. I'll go get it God Did you have you left it cuz like you never left me but I always made sure to know where you were But like did you ever leave someone who liked one doll? All the fucking time

all the time Why well, what did they do? They just weren't ready. I had tension. They were playing that drunk shit I've left girls girls to the number one culprit Really? They start talking shit Nancy on the way out and the girlfriend says make sure you come listen. I'm gone We're gonna start a two grams of blow and what do you want Shane gonna call you till Tuesday? Oh So you know what before cell phones like you were doing it like back in the day I was doing it to Rogan and those guys ass red man. I was leaving those motherfuckers everywhere along the city I tell him I'm coming right back getting my cab or uber or a fucking ride from the doorman

Pium stop at this place get a nice chicken cutlet sandwich. Take me back to the hotel Go upstairs roll a fucking joint place, get a nice chicken cutlet sandwich, take me back to the hotel, go upstairs, roll a fucking joint, eat the sandwich, go downstairs, smoke another joint, come up, finish the other half the sandwich, drink the soda, get a bag of M&Ms at the fucking checkout at the hotel. Come on, dog, some peanut M&Ms while you're watching Law and Order and your feet are fucking up on the bed, you're looking at your toenails thinking They need to get cut but not tonight Oh, that's that sounds so much better. There's nothing I like more than getting high and eating in a hotel room by myself dog There's different people that like different things. That's why

you know If it's up to me since the time I was 16 All I want to do is night is you come pick me up at about 7 45 okay we take a ride to a dealer's house or the harlem we go get a quick time bag we roll a joint we smoking on the drive we stopped for a hot dog or a carvel ice cream soda and you drop me off at a quarter to 10 you you did your job for the night that's a great evening you don't need to go to a bar and I don't have to say goodbye and all that fucking nonsense. I Hate bars now. Yeah bars now more than ever

what's I was around it for too long. Oh And the new comedy clubs comedy clubs my mother's bar when I was out drugging it's been too long. I Hated bars in 85. I swore that if I ever got a North Bergen I would never go to a fucking bar again, and I stayed out of one for like four fucking years Wow, I don't like there's nothing about a bar that I like like, there's nothing about a bar that I like except promoting a party. I got a cool bar. I would like it with my friends and reefer and TVs and fucking, you know, everything else that goes to the DJ. But besides that, I don't know. I've always felt like there's

a potential for something bad at a bar. Yeah. And I've seen it. And I've seen it. So, you know, you're at a bar hanging out, this guy pulls a fucking gun, whatever. And I gotta talk to cops. I'm not into all that, but the real reason is I just, I was never enough drunk. So, I don't understand it.

I don't understand the lingo. I don't understand what happens to people after they drink. I'm a student of it. I'll sit and watch it If you don't fucking torture me, I'll sit and watch you get drunk and love it every man. I'll even send you drinks Really? Yeah, i'm one of those guys. I'll send you over a fucking drink Do you like people like do you like watching them get drunk or like how do you pick your person? I'll be sitting there eating at a restaurant and i'll just pick two people at the bar. They're having a great time drinking And it makes me very jealous because I never had that quality I never had quality to stay out of place and have two socials and

Drink, you know unless when I was doing drugs But for me right now after the podcast to get in the car and go to a bar and have a beer, no desire. Unless it's a mug, a frozen mug, like you've had it in the refrigerator for two years, like freeze pipe or, and it's got to have like something to pick up. So I enjoy like clams on a half shell with some hot sauce and some fucking horseradish and some cocktail sauce, a little bit of lemon. I like that.

How many beers am I going to drink? One. Right. Until the clams are done and then you go home. Then I go home. I don't blame. I'm jealous of that, too. I'm very

Envious of people who like are okay in social situations or like being out in a crowded place and just talk a guy It's interesting to me that you don't like it because it seems like you would To a degree Mm-hmm the beginning of it Like the 8 o'clock show. I like those people the 10 o'clock show Like the eight o'clock show. I like those people, the 10 o'clock show after the 10 o'clock show. They're a great audience, but they're fucking lit. Oh yeah. You don't understand what they're saying. They're spitting on you. They're offering you coke. They're offering you their sister. It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. And that I like, I like the socializing after a comedy show

But for me to leave a comedy show and go to a bar like Bert. Oh, no whoo Bert's a motherfucker. That's why I love Bert. He loves it. He loves it. He'll fit right He'll go to any college bar go in there drink with motherfuckers till they all fall down He's still walking around pounding his chest Gotta love that. That's a great quality. I like I said, I wish It's so weird when you start cocaine. You're very extroverted Right, and then at the end you become very introverted like towards the end

You could come up to me and go let's go back to your house I got you know a clean pussy and a shiny asshole and I Don't know. I don't want people around me and that started bothering me like for the last I Quit coke in 2007 from like 2003 to 2007. I didn't like mingling with people no more And like a that the booze wouldn't do it either? Or the booze just wouldn't even really work when you're doing that much coke? The booze works, but the amount of coke I was doing it would just burn right through it. You could feel the alcohol burning.

Every time you do a line of coke. I could drink like fucking... I can out drink people when I do coke. Oh yeah, isn't that the point? Like, don't I don't know I've never done it Yeah, the soberness of it. I don't know and now I'm to a point where I Taste alcohol and I don't like the taste of it It's like edibles sometimes That are gummies if you eat a lot of them at one shot you get that taste of like alcohol

Like vodka and you're like what the fuck You know, that's funny because that happens like when you drink sometimes like if you drink and you throw up on vodka like you don't like vodka anymore I The stars were hard to get down towards him, but we also had to like 15 of them But it's like fucking ether alcohol. I think it's God awful at the end. I couldn't even I'm having a problem with all that shit now. Anyway, so that's why I eat the chocolate mushrooms like I like the Fungi farms they have the best fucking peanut not peanut brittle, but the other one like peppermint bark. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Holy shit. It's fucking good Now either half a bar and go play bocce Whoo, I'm off and running for two hours. How are you going? You having fun? We won a couple games we got slaughtered last week Quickly, I mean we scored we scored points. We lost like 11 to 7 But they took us out in 13 minutes How long is like a normal bocce game or match it started 830 and we were done by a 45 No, I'm but like a normal one would it take till 9 or to take half hour 45 minutes, you know

Give it a listen man. It's just it's an activity for me. Okay. It's one night out of the house. Oh Shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Mercy's got a baseball game tomorrow night But I'll boogie after the baseball game and then Wednesday. I don't know if I'm going to the dojo or not I don't know what I'm doing this week No, it's a light one Yeah, it might be a light week. I've been writing Nice, I tightened up that joke about Hamas. I I love that joke. There was one other joke I was tightening up a little bit that I liked

Listen man, it comes and it goes it is what a fucking is, you know Hey, at least you wanted to write. I am like what like what made you do that? I Really enjoy that that's the part of stand-up. I fucking love is building a set Really? That's your favorite part. Yeah, everything else is bullshit Everything else is bullshit Wow like I always like even when I wasn't doing it for the time. I missed I Missed thinking about the words. When you do stand up, you have to think of your words a lot. You have to place them in different things.

And I started doing that six months ago. And then every day I write something, you know, I'll journal and then I'll open up the comedy thing. Even if I just put a premise in there, I was thinking about like how my cat looks at me when I'm putting my sleep apnea machine on About that the other day like she can't believe it that I sit down she comes next to me She's ready to get petted and I gotta go hold on one second You know put the fan on and I gotta fucking do this Fix the mask and clean it and then I clean my toes and I scratch my feet

Then I put the mask on the whole time. She's looking at me like what the fuck is he doing with that mask on? Yeah, listen, is it funny? No But you make it fun and I'm like You could put it somewhere. I love the relationship you have with that cat with gray Like when I was there a couple whatever was to eat like you were like All right in about 20 minutes. She's gonna come down She's gonna start talking shit cuz I and like clockwork like you call every move that she does I know her like a fucking once my wife goes up. That's not good enough for her

She has to come down and get me and she won't go up till I go up or she'll go up and sit on top of stairs and And she won't go up till I go up or she'll go up and sit on top of the stairs and well I'm like goddamn it, you know, I tried to take a nap this afternoon She wasn't having it just kept licking my fingers Really? Me up scratching her nose with my like my hands on my head I can't scratch her but she's up there fucking scratching and waking me up and doing little meows. You know, he doesn't really want to wake me up.

But listen, man, when you have a pet dog, cat, bird, longevity is king. Yeah, longevity, you bring the best out of animal and that animal brings the best out of you. And you've already cut through the bullshit. You feed them, you clean their little box you pet them you give them love they know where they stand you know it's funny on Instagram they have these cat lovers and I've been following a lot of them lately they're more interesting than anybody else on there and there's like this one page like there's one cat that oh Bruno his

name I told you about the Siamese that attacks this fucking owner Oh, yeah, so bad Bruno day 23 day 24, but then they have these other ones And they tell you about cats and then they have these other ones that they tell you about the distinctive Cat that you may have like she's a tuxedo So I was watching the other day and it's it was right on cue It was right on cue. So after she chases me upstairs, right? I'm on the bed with me. I pet her And once I start getting comfortable she takes off and she goes to eat now she could eat Because everybody's at rest and now she could play fucking warrior

I'm sure you come back and lay next to me Facing the fucking door waiting for somebody to come in to attack him. She weighs six pounds. She's lucky You know And then at night about four she gets off the bed and stands by the door gardeners Like what would happen Because I know you've gotten closer over the years obviously but like when you were when you would be gone Would your animals like get upset with you? both

Both like last time I went to bed and I hugged my wife before I hugged gray this morning I woke up. She took a shit in front of my toilet Are you do you really hug her first in front of my toilet. Do you usually hug her first? Whoever's closest to me. That's so funny. Yeah, you basically have another relationship, like you have a girlfriend with this cat. It's fucking unreal.

It's unreal. What people have with dogs, some people have with snakes, it's amazing what a pet will do for your life. Yeah. You don't know, especially if you're lonely, you're going through shit. Go to the pound, save a cat, feed it, give it love. And before you know it, man, you got to home.

You got to home, somebody else. Now, you got to get home by a certain time to feed somebody to clean their little box To play with them they have and now you're home. It's really weird how it begins with an animal dog cat Raccoon whatever the fuck it is, you know, I mean if you got a raccoon, he's a baby I think you could raise them because you give them love in there People do with theirs like I wouldn't that's terrifying them, but like they do with everything Scared skunks. Oh Shit people do it with skunks. They decent them and they have a pet skunk That are cutest fucking things in the world, you know

I would never I would have thought you would have Hate like what do you do if you walked into someone's house and they had a pet skunk you'd be okay If it got the sprayed if they took that stink bomb pellet that they shoot at you they turn around They show you their ass and they fucking you know, it's the worst never seen it when they turn like that Yeah, I had it. They didn't get me. Who'd they get your dog? No, it was in my childhood home. We had a basement and there was a little lowered area

right outside of it, under the deck. But you had to jump up. It was like a, I don't know, four or five foot ledge. And they couldn't get out. And we went in there to try to get it. And it just was Terrified and sprayed but it like it smelled for like two months That she is strong. That shit is strong

You got to put tomato juice on the dog and lemon juice and fucking and then you could buy that shit The skunk thing this could go to a hunting shop. Okay, you could buy a skunk scent that they take it out of the skunk bro Whenever you have to go like a party you want to get out of there quick? You're not even doing stink bombs anymore you're doing skunk bombs over people All it takes is three drops and people start panicking How many times do you have to do it to figure that out? You're like two's not enough,

but four is a little bit too much. Three times in different situations and shit. I was the master of that stuff. Like in 83 and 84, my buddies used to sell those things. You threw them in the floor and they smelled like a rotten egg. Yeah, stink bombs. Horrible.

Yeah. Things were horrible. And I'd blow them up and walk to the others. Like I'd throw them like 50 yards, they would hit the wall. Oh no. What the fuck? Those are, I remember like the last day of eighth grade, these kids like were like terrorists with them.

Like it was the end of the day, last day, they threw them down in one area. And then as everyone was like rushing out they went in the other, they knew where we were gonna go and hit it again. That like, who even invented a stink? Like that's a, like it's so fucking stink, it smells so bad. Like who would do that to people? Like do they even still have them? Now I kind of want to get them. like do they even still have them now now i kind of want to get them you can definitely find them heavy duty wars too they smell like a fucking they smell like hamas like palestine right now it's just death and old bottle it over there and apocalypse dust and shit oh no i can't even i never did any of that i would like did you ever so like where would you get stink bombs like back before the internet like where would you go?

There was a guy in New York City Well, and this is 83 84. I was out of high school Okay, adult or at least trying to function as one. Hey, right. I'm throwing stink bombs and shit You were an adult Yeah, it was like 83. I was maybe 20 21. Oh my god. Okay. Well, I was an 83 I got introduced to skunk set And it wasn't for the purposes you think the guy introduced it to me because he goes when you put this outside somebody's door They come out loud

And then you could go in there rob him oh my god he's using it as a diversion yeah as a diversion because right if you put you put a little skunk outside somebody's window and they always go oh my god there's a skunk outside and they'll go out and look to see if there's a skunk and right there you're hiding in the trees with a bb pellet and fucking get them then you fucking go in but this was for a different type of mission. It wasn't for a robbery It was to get a guy out of the house So I practiced with it for a while, but I bought my first bottle in West New York I saw that Levi's sporting goods when I was a kid. There was a hunting department. Anyway, you go anywhere Walmart would probably have it

Just for kicks. You don't want to work a comedy club. Take a bottle with you the headliners on stage you spray some of that in the fucking under one of the chairs and People go off in those because that club in st. Louis helium They were underneath like a toilet thing in the basement and every time somebody somebody flushed, the whole thing smelled like shit. And the first night I kept smelling it, I'm like, man, somebody's farting. And then the second night people get this. And I asked them, why are you leaving?

Did I say something offensive? They're no, no, the smell of the room is offensive. It was terrible. Every time somebody flushed, you're like, oh. Oh no. What about flappers? They had the same thing Luckily it wasn't in the in the showroom. Where'd they have it in the bathroom? Yeah, their bathroom always overflowed

Like it stunk. I don't remember that But that's you would think there'd be more Stink bomb like I tell you I think that time in eighth grade was the last time I smelled one Oh, no I still smell them now. This is Jersey. There's there's walking stink bombs. There's people they're just walking stink bombs There's some of those around they got on a train and you're going in there riding by themselves Like it's a beautiful day in America try sitting next to them That that's a different thing. How do you think do you think they just don't smell themselves?

But if it's that like there's people who it's bad I Don't know man. I Gave a homeless guy like a $5 bill three weeks ago. I Was going into New York City and he was speaking Spanish. I said what the fuck He's a Spanish guy. Maybe it's God. I gave him five. I'll go go two feet away from him and smell like piss shit and Maybe it's God I gave him five out of both go two feet away from him. It's not like piss shit and Burnt cigarettes like cigarettes that you turn off and you light on fire again, but it was overwhelming with piss and shit

You know that I? Don't know you want to pick them up and take them somewhere to clean them off you feel bad Remembering by us on by the YMCA, if you went to the next corner of the Y and made that left like you were headed to Lancashire. Okay. It was like a little church in there. And two days a week, they would come with a trailer. Some company will give out free t-shirts, toothbrushes.

Yeah. I went over there a few times. I didn't shower But I would watch to see what they're doing. I'm like, what are all these guys doing here? I thought they were like Mexicans waiting for work But there was the white guys. I go what the fuck is this white dudes waiting for work and a couple black nodes What's going on with the world and I look closer and there was a it's like a fucking truck that comes with showers eight different showers and they give me there was like a fucking truck that comes with showers eight different showers and They give me there was like a fucking doctor they're checking blood pressures Shit, you know

Wasn't a doctor. I love that you had to say that you didn't take a shower like can you imagine getting into that line like it's What is like if you're last in line like the floor that shower has to be I feel bad for the other guys when they get my fungi toe and I get their fuck and whatever they're living with their fucking disgusting little Clack oh, I like you at jujitsu or the gym when you shower No, there's no shower jujitsu. Okay, so we do our thing and everybody leaves you switch your t-shirt You take off your pants you put on you come with other stuff. I walk in with a jujitsu gi So I have to change that right once it's done. I take the pants off I put on like shorts flip-flops a t-shirt just to get me home. I'm not stopping

No, I give a fuck. I just don't want to stink and I don't want that moisture. You see how much I itch that's moisture That means that I was walking like if I'll go to a red light sauna And I want to leave there in a rush, but I forget to dry my fucking back then two days late I'm scratching like poison ivy got to hold me I know knock on wood. I never had yeah, that's what that's my fucking shit is But back to what we were talking about before About writing stand-up comedy If you go on Google and you Google it you have a bunch of bums

Try to teach you how to write comedy, you know a Lot of people just try to teach you how to write comedy, you know. A lot of people just try to teach you how to write comedy, not stand up. But that's the, you know, every, I would love to 10 comics to really get serious. And all of us write a book on our writing process to really show the open mic or, listen, I knew there was a little writing when I

got to stand up but as you mature and get into it you learn the levels you know I've been watching the young comedian special again because that's how I comedy and it's amazing when I watch it now it like wow, he did that he did that You know, I watched a lot of comedy And I didn't know how to write till this day. I don't know how to write comedy I don't have a fucking formula for it, you know, but I know that if you have a good premise And you take it on stage a little bit then you work it at home and you take it on stage. I love that process a little bit and you work it at home and you take it on stage. I love that process This is the whole process of going because you you kind of have to go on stage to to adjust it don't write or

Can you edit jokes that you haven't done? Like if you're if you're sitting looking your notebook, could you adjust it without like you think others will be better? I Wrote a joke a few months ago. It was a throwaway joke It was for my gay cousin He swallowed some First time I said it. I said he sucked so many dicks when he speaks to you ghosts come out Okay Something like that. I went home and I figured out the word was swallowed so many loads when he speaks.

Ghosts. And then you add the second tag to that. The third, now you're working with some. You get three tags. Maybe the joke is clunky. But in a month, something else will pop up. And that joke will fit right in. Now you got a joke, a two minute joke. Yeah. You lose the fuck somewhere I'll take this fuck out of there and then pray to God you don't say it on stage

But as long as you make that adjustment on paper, you'll make the adjustment on stage It's it would be great to have like especially like if you did a book like that It'd be great to have because every comic book is like a comic book It's like a comic book. It's like a comic book. It's like a comic book It's like a comic book. It's like a comic book stage It's it would be great to have like especially like if you did a book like that It'd be great to have because every comic is gonna have a different Every time because that's like that's I think for me at least right now the most frustrating part about comedy is there really isn't a path or like a

Job you go from this position to this position everyone's thing is different because you're doing it by yourself and it's like it's just By your a thousand percent by yourself. So everyone's gonna have a little different way of looking at it And you have no idea what that's you've no idea where to start No, and that's what comics are lost and People would think you didn't miss performing as

much. Not really. Not really. I could fucking have to get in the car and go half hour. I can just get a notebook, a cup of coffee and a joint. Some of those nights we eat those mushrooms, we get off the phone and shit and I start giggling by myself. I come right back here and get a notebook.

Let's be honest, the next day they're garbage, but I still made myself. I come right back in get a notebook Let's be honest the next day that garbage But I still made an effort to come right here and write them how many times you get up to in the morning Well, that's a good joke. I'll remember in the morning and you're like god damn it. I should have gotten up So you put a pad by your bed. Yeah, and always With a little light you can roll up at four in the morning, you know It's not a good idea because if you have an addictive personality like mine if you wrote one you got to write a second one And if you write a second one, you got to write a third one and next thing, you know It's 5 30 in the morning. You got to get up at 730 to get a bus to fuck in Canada

Smuggle fucking immigrants in or whatever the fuck it is that you do But it's even like the little thing that you because I had I just switched to a pen and paper because I just usually had my phone and Even that like just getting to the notes app. Sometimes I'll forget it Absolutely. The one thing I saw more than ever was people going up on stage and looking at their phones I mean Shane all those motherfuckers do it But it's like, you know People having a problem with savage silverman bringing up a note years ago. I walked into one of those arguments

I'm like listen, whatever it takes to fuck. I I wish I had the balls to bring up a joke. I'd be a lot funnier But not really because then I'd be concentrating on the sheet right I I think it depends on how you like how the shows advertise I went to a show with a guy who was like I'm working on stuff and he had a whole stack of note cards But he would just look at it and put it down and do the joke I've noticed a lot of people like will look at their phone the whole time or they'll spend hours scrolling through their phone

My old fucking day Looking at people on their phones. Mm-hmm. I just paid 25 bucks I want to see you get on your phone to tell me a joke, right? Do you understand why I'm coming from? I mean how many times did I get off stage and you go like that was a great set fuck I didn't try that joke I wish I could a pencil and paper up on stage From my world to stand up. It wasn't professional to bring up piece of paper in this stuff I'd rather eat a bag of dicks and go hold on one second and look under a hat that I have on stage like I did

many a time And wait for five years. I did that many a time and And you just mentioned like some big comics do it. Obviously, I'm not comparing myself to them at all But it's to me as like an audience member. I think you're right like it it kind of Makes you realize like oh they've this is something they're reciting Whereas they're like if you just go up there Sometimes you don't even know if they've ever said it. It's my boy I don't know because you wouldn't do that in a real conversation. You wouldn't look at your phone

No, what to say? No, so I don't get it to each his own. I Mean some people take it some people go fuck it doesn't bother us. I just think that once people first off this shit of Me charging people 30 bucks to work out material. I didn't like that either towards the end That was an agent induced conversation and That's why everybody's doing it now. I Don't have the hour

But I'm gonna go up there and throw thoughts on you But at the same time I'm gonna charge you 25 hours to let you watch a bad show a Comedian listen to what I'm telling you comedian would never allow that Right agent has to okay and say sure you can make money doing it and you do it If I'm gonna do one remember when I did him at the ice house they were fun and they were $15 Yeah, they were cheap. Yeah, I don't know if they were 15 to be honest I think sometimes they were 10 like that then I like That I like I don't mind the fan. I like that a lot. I

Love bottom of the barrel at Joe Rogan's Club with Brian Simpson show. That's the best show I've done for material What do they do? You're going to bucket the audience ask questions you're gonna bucket? When you pull them out and you answer the question with a joke Some people ask for a topic some people ask you a question That's the way to get your mental going on a Tuesday night Right. Have you ever Would I show like that and like got a joke from it like that you actually used? My favorite night at Joe Rogan's Club is Tuesday night

Brian Simpson bottom of the barrel. He's doing it in Denver now. I saw that weeks. It's it's just a great show It's a great within a year every club will be doing an off night Yeah, I told fucking copyright the name and Just like comedy juice did he does that? You know fucking the stand Miami Improv Addison Improv a couple funny bones. I like that idea

But for me to say well, I don't have material but I do and Charge you 25 bucks, which is nothing a ticket prices, but it's money for me with a door deal Right didn't I didn't understand that? That's why I like the dojos Wednesday nights, it's always a different It's me and friends. It's doorman and friends You know comedy is not a weekend thing anymore. Believe it or not It's a during the week thing now, especially in this part of the country

I have friends that got comedy clubs and they eat it in the summer But they survived Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Right Much I don't want to be out on Saturday and Friday at a comedy club. I Want to catch them Tuesday and Wednesday when they're fresh, you know If you go to a comedy store all the comics out of town on Friday and Saturdays If you go to Joe's Club all the comics out of town except for the headliner they bring it Right, but if you've noticed the trend has gone to during the week. That's why I love when I love Wednesdays

It's it's so cool to see like that's the only thing and I I like the idea of doing it everywhere, but If I'm just thinking of like in these places if like a car newer comic tries to do bottom of the barrel Like it could be rough, but it well, it's not for a newer comic. It's really not for a newer comic, right? It's not for an open mic You know this this is for four year and up, three year and up type comic, little bit of road work maybe, an MC spot, a feature spot here. He works consistently. Because if he does go up, he's having a hard time writing.

Never mind thinking on his feet and writing. It's one out of 10. And believe it or not, I was very good thinking off my feet in the beginning on stage. That's why I kept doing it. I'm like all right I'll just improvise. I don't need to write jokes. Well if you need to grow as a comic you need to write fucking jokes. But in the beginning I just improvised. Your entire set? Yeah I was really good at it. But again, at this discussion on the church, it was a 50 50 shot. Right. If when it was good, it was really good. When it was bad, it was really bad. So that's not a comic that the odds are off the percentages are off. So what would you rather do? I'd rather have

a little ammunition and then go on stage with material and take a breather to attack somebody for two minutes. I had to not attack, but you know, right. How'd you get here? You having sex tonight, whatever stupidity you want to say to it. But it was a lot better than me going up there in the old days with three minutes of material to lure them. And then, you know, so what are you black guys doing here? Right?

You know and like I said when you start now, you don't know What worked out for me that I didn't go to it, but it was a muscle. It was always there And it's a hard thing to learn and for years. I never used it. I won't use it. I refused to do that shit Michelle Unless it's something that you have to address Let's stick to material so you know where you're at at all times. You have a boundary of where you're at Okay, because when you go on stage you have to have a pitch It's a set is a pitch if you at work, right? You I'm calling you up highly Joe Diaz mutual insurance. How are you? I expect that pitch

To go wrong. You know what? Mr. Diaz. Why don't you call you later on with my wife? I understand But in that pitch it's already written if that question goes sour and there's three replies Do I know them? No You know and then you follow that list When you don't stick to that list it falls apart it falls apart you've seen this you've lived it it falls apart every once in a while we got them good for five minutes then we take a chance we should that chance now you got to start from scratch again and i don't have to tell you what that's like so it's a

You know, it's one of those things that's great. Mm-hmm. I think that Like I said to you man. I didn't miss performing. I didn't miss taking pictures. I Didn't miss the money. I didn't miss anything What I miss was the process The money I didn't miss anything what I missed was the process Now let me ask you this if and I know this wouldn't happen but if Going on stage was just as easy like if you could open a door in your house and you were in the backstay like you're on The stage and then people wouldn't bother you but like you could perform that easily

Would that make like would you miss performing as much like is it the get into the show and dealing with all that? They don't like listen. I have a comedy club 20 minutes from my house. That's Was considered an a room for many years a stress factory. Mm-hmm There's nothing from stopping me from going over that two nights a week the promise is to showcase club It's not a showcase club. it's a headliner club. So I always have to go in there and in my world, I gotta ask permission from the headliner, man. When I call the owner and he goes, yeah, come by,

it's not good enough for me. I'm walking into somebody else's stage, you have to be respectful. Right. Feature, MC, no worries. But I headline, and he's a headliner. Part of that's a little disrespectful. You know, so-

Keep you going, yeah. Yeah, somebody asked me last, at Bocce last week, am I going to Dave Chappelle? I didn't know what Dave Chappelle was. I go, no. And they go, really? And I go, don't. Ask me if I want to watch a

comedy show I don't not something like that I'd rather go to a showcase club put a fucking disguise on sit in the back stone and watch eight comics to 15 minutes and nobody talked to me nobody say a word so I could sink into that comedy that's my favorite thing in the world to do You like the showcase better than the headliner? Yeah, why? It's like a buffet I get to eat fucking eight things instead of two Wow, is it cuz I'm If I know the person or even if I don't I like the headliner

I don't know what it is. I like but let's say I go there I fall in love with a little Jew guy from Boston Lee Syatt, right? I run home. I go on his website Now I watch him do 45 Right, you follow me. There's more to the story but I'd rather sit in the back and watch eight different styles, mm-hmm and Watch that audience that same audience and see how the eight different styles work on that same audience. Listen, we put a lot of standups, we put a lot of focus on writing, we put a lot of focus

on performing. But I think that comes a time where you stop focusing on watching listen there's comics that their egos are so strong they make up stories but I don't watch people specials I don't want their material in my head you know the way to grow is to watch people it's like when you go to acting class and you do the fucking little routines They give you and you're all excited. I'm doing a fucking scene from fucking shaft I'm playing a black guy, but I'm Jewish, you know, whatever It's great that you're doing that but it's better when you watch other people and see what their interpretation is of that same movie

right When you watch other people and see what their interpretation is of that same movie right My acting teacher used to make three of us get the same scene and do it all in a row So it would be me and you doing a scene from Donnie Brasco The one when you come visit me in the jail Steve Simone and Renazzi The one when you come visit him in the cell and Ari and Duncan Okay, and then like that you learn Three different minds three different ways three different people how they looked at it don't get me wrong two people gonna look at it the same But one guy is gonna be different. That's the guy you learn from

That's how much other two guys aren't good. I'm just saying that they didn't go outside they created box This guy brought it number three brought it It's it's the thing about like how the audience is like Let's kind of receiving sounds like a douchey word but like how the audience is perceiving your act is like Cuz I had a couple people tell me recently that like when I I seemed angry like if I was talking to an audience member and in my head I was being silly and I didn't think of it as that but like it

You take that stuff into heart and like try to adjust how you do things if people give you that feedback Do you take that stuff into heart and like try to adjust how you do things if people give you that feedback? Listen people always gonna give you feedback some people have no idea what they're saying their feedback is right on and Some people I rather listen when somebody comes up to you that you don't know and says hey Lee you're fat Mm-hmm. It bothers you. It's different than me's different than me going we doing your little fat cocksucker Right you follow me. It's There's people that come up to you sometimes

After a set you're frustrated enough and they're like excuse me and they start nobody wants to hear that You try to be a gentleman and you take it in Most of the time they're on but every ten people that you see maybe they're comedy fans and you don't fucking know it like diehard comedy fans yeah and even if they're not just like this to me it's a chill like it they some people can just see things and if they see it like that There's probably a thousand other people in the country who would see it like that And I don't want to change everything that I do But like I don't want to be like I don't want to be doing something if it's coming off the wrong way

When I used to go to auditions I would sit by the door Mm-hmm and wait till like To people I was going up against I would read to read And I would listen to their reads and let's say four of them went up Two of them were off the beaten path. One of them was on the other guy was close And then I would have to make an assessment between those two guys And going there with something different between those two guys and

Going there with something different Is it kind of like with stand-up how like it's not great to go first Did you like going a few in later on? No, I always go first, you know me that's always been my love that's Offer auditions. Like what do you is it better to go like third or fourth so you can hear those people listen You can listen. It's funny. Whenever we did a, and you see it, you told me a couple of weeks ago,

it was pretty intense when you got up there and started hosting right off the bat. You were scared for a minute and I go, no, I'm not there to destroy the show. I'll bring a different element as a host, which is great. But when it comes to hosting, like if you come to me and go what's your favorite hosting Featuring or headlining I'd rather get it out of the way

Bring my party to the front line and fuck these motherfuckers up and interesting When I go watch Mercy's games Mm-hmm in between innings When it's dead trying to go on the field Guess who runs out there first? Mercy. Mercy. And I watched every game, she shoots to her position first.

You don't ever have to tell her she's out there. You know, I didn't talk to her about that. I never said nothing about it to her. I don't say nothing about her. Let her mother say it or the coach or something. But that's enthusiasm. You want to go up and get it or the coach or something. But that's enthusiasm. You want to go up and get it over with and rock them. These guys that got ego.

Oh no, no, no. All my headlines. Okay. That's why you were home the last three weekends, Mr. Headliner. Oh, that's, that's, I love it. So cool. We were talking about it earlier, but just to see, to see you and

mercy is just so so awesome Again, it's longevity. It's a relationship, you know It's like that night when you came over We came home stoned at midnight and we got the chicken parm and she came out of room I was awesome a piece and that's my world that a kid gets up at 2 and says fuck Yeah, we even the mother downstairs furious What is she doing up? She's got a big I don't give a fuck and the other she she's fucking 11, you know, she'll sleep and who the fuck knows yeah, but it's all

Listen one one thing I eliminate from my life. I'm doing really good at is crazy When I left Los Angeles with you It was too crazy for me and I had to shut that lifestyle down. I can't I Can't have crazy people around me no more It just irritates me. I did enough for 23 years For 23 years. I was crazy and I was surrounded by fucking crazy people. So It's just it's over. Like I'd rather be around peaceful people Like I said do those softball games I get fucked up

I put sunglasses on and I just sit there and every time the THC starts to wear down I walk to my car. I take two more hits of the one hitter. I spray some Febreze on me and nobody knows nothing it's I Can't even to be honest with you the the edibles got a little bit got a little bit high at the moment I was gonna say That's always good cocksucker. Where you at this week? This week. I'm at the Saratoga comedy works We doing for the fourth of July nothing grilling This week I'm at the Saratoga Comedy Works Friday and Saturday.

What are you doing for the 4th of July? Nothing. Grilling. With mom? Yeah. Oh yeah, we got the grill, we got the deck going. It'll be good. What do you got going on?

Anything fun? We have a thousand things. You know, I was just talking about tonight and she's like, I don't know, with the side on. I don't know. I don't feel like sitting in somebody's yard. Now I don't feel like I feel like either being at a beach with my feet on the ocean somewhere nice or maybe

the city. I was thinking of going to the Yankee Cincinnati Red game at Yankee Stadium at 1 o'clock. But that's a fucking nightmare, Lee. That's it. I got to leave here at 930 in the morning to get that one o'clock and my seat and The park in and the walk in and the fucking on then you walk out of there You're in fucking you know, it's 3 in the afternoon and now you got to get back and people

Go to the city to fucking watch the fireworks show. It's on the Jersey side this side I think the Hudson's I don't know somebody was telling me. Yeah, down But even like would you have a seat that's under things for the oh, I love going to baseball games But a 1 o'clock game July 4th, that's gonna be hot. Well, let's see what the weather is. Maybe it would be 75 Maybe it'll be a beautiful fucking day, you know, who knows? I'd be worth it supposed to be human and not they call them for weather delays, but bitch. I ain't flying on Thursday I don't need to see anybody this fucking Thursday. That's awesome. Fuck you and taking a flight this weekend. That's nuts Tell ya do it every year. I don't know where the fuck you're going dog. Sit tight

Sit tight motherfucker. Those are 800 dollar flights Jack And it's getting crazy. Thank god i'm driving this week Really? Oh, yeah and gas is out of its fucking like I said, listen Everything is out of control. The american family is in trouble The american family of four, you know, it's in trouble. I mean, I mean it's gonna be a deep summer it's gonna be a deep fucking summer but just got to be prepared you gotta see what you got I got a brother right now the last three months he told me how to change his life around he was eating out too much mm-hmm and boy he turned it

around he's like dog I watched my prices now it's crazy out there he watches for sales of meat and prime rib and this and then he cooks everything at home He says a lot happier. He lost 15 pounds. Oh I'm sure and but they were talking about it last night Like the clubs haven't let me talk to look clubs have been light But the and I it's great to be healthier to eat at home, but then that's gonna hurt restaurants Like it's this is if you save yourself. It's gonna be like there's gonna be some bad stuff So we do the best we can we save the pennies that we make and we fucking Wait to see what direction they're taking this but for right now

I don't know what i'm doing this week. I have a friend coming into town and she's leaving like Friday and Thursday's the fourth So I didn't make plans, but Wednesday night. I'm supposed to see it if not I'll shoot over to the comedy dojo see Aaron Berg and a bunch of other guys Then the weekend we're gonna do shit. I'm just gonna smoke dope Hopefully I'll be getting some mushrooms tomorrow Well, I've never seen fireworks on mushrooms I Don't know I don't fucking know it's not like I'm gonna sit that listen, let's be honest You see one firework you see them all you unless you're gonna blow up a building. That's a 4th of July

Yeah, that would be awesome. I would go watch that. Yeah, you pay small 50, 100 bucks, blow up a fucking building with three people in it. I didn't know there were gonna be people in it. There was Jews in the basement that were having the prostitutes down there, whatever they were doing.

The child sex pornography ring down there. Who the fuck? Oh, with the tunnels? Yeah, the Jews with the tunnel. You know, you just It's it's like going to a parade you see one parade you see him. Oh, look, it's the bagpipes Oh, it's the mayor the chili is a throne to stick up in the air boy. I'm happy I came That's why I thought like the mushrooms might help with the lights the mushrooms. I thought would be good Well at night they might be good. I think they're doing something in town. They do something and all the kids go. I know I went like two years or maybe one year.

It's pretty fucking cool. I didn't go, but I was just somewhere and they were having a drone show. Would you ever go see that? Like 300 drones with lights flying around? Nah, that I don't give a fuck. I wanna see things blow up and a bat fly out of the sky or some shit. You know me, dog. I'm not gonna give a fuck. I Don't buy fireworks from people unless they're Chinese

Because it's a cold world out there they got the best equipment in the world They got those communism fucking firecrackers those things pop twice. You know I'm saying Have a great fourth of July don't forget to go see Lee up there where you at, Saratoga, New York Yeah, you're not doing that and go bet some races I don't even know if they're open and they're open so I've never been up there with the horse track open and it's It's open. Oh, yeah And then go bet on fucking Lee and get them from chubby chick to lick his nutsack That'll make his week incomplete. I love you motherfucker.. Stay black Have a great week and we'll be back next Tuesday the eight

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