Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Magical Mystery Tour (LIVE from NJ)

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt record The Check In in person for the first time! Joey tells Lee why he reserved a hospital room for him this trip, the time he found blood in an airplane bathroom, why confidence is so important for stand up comedians, and Joey ALMOST gets Lee with an old trick... Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ T his episode is brought to you by Better Help. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ, and get on your way to being your best self.  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What would the heavy breathing what do you mean? What's with the heavy breathing? Give me 18 bong hits edibles Multiple flavors. No, there was not three bong. It was It was not three. I took at least four But for the first one, I took at least four. I Don't you have your wife saying that what's one that a voice now? What's that? Let me what the Lee voice I should get paid In perpetuity, you're not getting dick. All right, just start the podcast Listen stop looking like a Momo when you're smoking The best way to stop coughing up a lung is with freeze pipe

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I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking Welcome back to church What's happening beautiful people uncle Joey here with the king of swing Lee Syat live in New Jersey We're doing a podcast live. Don't forget Tomorrow night we're at a no joke comedy and Thursday, but guess what it sold out. So next time Immediately immediately we don't fuck around. How you doing guys? It's fun to be back in like person. It's fun to be back. I hear you He wasn't even listen. He called about for I just watched the Cleveland come back. Oh

Against even fucking came back. I couldn't believe it and then they won they covered the over everybody was happy and Then I took a little nappy Noono When I woke up, I was ready for war. It's sink on a mile week, you know You be celebrate big on sink or the mile. Oh, yeah You saw me jumping up and down with a Mexican hat Mariachi. What the fuck am I gonna go? I'm living in New Jersey. The only aliens are illegal. They run Happy sink on a mile. They tip what the fuck I was just wishing you happy sinker But I went to a restaurant today and they were in the back Helen was like a white white restaurant, but everybody in the back is Mexican. They were yelling happy sink on a mile So on the way out I walk I go listen any tamale back here enough with this meatloaf shit. I

Found one Mexican place last time I was here. It was like in a pizza place. I because I found It was too weird like there was a it was a sandwich place near you But you had to go it was like also in the back of a market and like it's to grab your bread first and Walk up to the counter with your bread. I don't know So I went next door to the Mexican place. It's actually pretty good. Did wasn't but What was I gonna say to you? What we gotta say like got here and you were fucking me and some oh

I just You you got me here and we were taking bomb hits and you said I took like two I Took like eight of those who took to me. You said I did What we talked about the bomb it's 20 minutes ago. It's know don't worry about nothing. You're fine. You're fine You're back in training. You're here for a week. We already You know, we booked a hospital room for you Tuesday night we already booked the little hospital room was liquid IVs the whole fucking deal He told me this on the way home from a show

I called you and you're like and I was saying cuz you kept saying we're not gonna stop taking edibles It's gonna be edible and I have to drive and you told me you booked me a two nights day And a hospital which I thank you. Yeah two nights at a hospital. Nobody does that no more You call them advance you go through the back door. You give them the fucking Visa card. They put you in a room by yourself Nobody's yelling next to you. There's nothing worse than being a hospital next to a guy All night, and you're like give me a fucking breather here. We it's off I went to the ER with someone a few months ago I'm like Worcester and they like they're screaming they're hearing someone puke multiple times is

ER is entertainment. Why didn't ever they did a show called er, but it wasn't the real er There was a bunch of nice people, you know helping nice people like I was on here I cut myself with a fucking with a bottle opener opening up a box in the warehouse That's not er. I want to see I come in shot holding on to his eye and they make him do paperwork The guys like are you fucking serious? My eyes are about to come out of my head and you want me to give you insurance information Like you have the numbers on you. Yeah. Yeah, they're in my fucking wallet, which got robbed before I got shot. I Can't win here. It's it's fucking I ain't going to emergency because you're in pain

And also they want to get family history. Listen, we'll get the history later Let's take the toot up. Let's take the fucking fidget out of my ass whatever stuck and let's move on with our lives But do you want to go in there when I ask you Tony question? What is it like in New York? It must be crazy in Manhattan dog. I haven't been in the hospital New York knock on wood in 50 fucking years. Well, yeah, I don't know. I don't know and I don't want to know I know the last time I went to emergency. And I don't want to know. I know the last time I went to emergency in New York was when I got in there with the bottle and that was six 1970. So that's 50 fucking four years ago.

And then I went to ER like in 1982 with a friend of mine. We had to take it to the ER and that was just fucking scary we had to take it to Edgewater there's a there's a hospital in Edgewater used to be in Union City but they moved to Edgewater people always say don't go there don't go there cuz it's like part-time butchers this guy hold on we're gonna operate you in ten minutes he's getting here from his janitorial position that's fucking Safeway or. So they always tell you not to go in there, but I went in there With a friend, you know three in the morning

Somebody hit him in the nose so we were in there that was just a fucking parade of And they should take it from County jail at mid like New York City jail. Mm-hmm the hospital just what's going on? Nobody wants to see people get arrested no more. They did that with fucking cops You know now they have the live media. I don't want to see that shit I want to see people getting shot taken to the hospital The guys are smoking cigarettes outside the emergency room, you know the whole process the guy who stabbed them is Getting taken the court to get processed to see what his story is

That's a fucking cop story. See I'm a criminal. I know what I want to see but well you can't handle blood How are you gonna watch people do surgery? I don't want to see surgery. Just get them into you know You can't show the surgery. It's like the 600 pound man Don't show you them cutting into the fucking behemoth of a man They show him going into the back room It's the same thing but the process of getting them out putting stuff on him while he's bleeding the shitty saying mommy mommy You know whatever the fuck he's saying That's what I'm talking about

It badass that would be badass and then the people who did it now that they have another show called 48 hours where Something happens and you have immediate reaction to 48 hours. You guys are sitting at home Go enjoy you watch a lot of police shows. I'm a criminal You know I sit there going this guy fucked up this my favorite show on TV is I almost got away with it And they always do it out of Florida where the dumbest people in the fucking world live. I Don't get it And the show is they almost got away with a crime. They almost got away with the crime and they show these fucking People that are just fucking lunatics. It doesn't even take you five minutes to go that dudes in Florida somewhere

Fucking you know, and then they show the town and you're like damn, but it is Florida. I don't want to feel like Like, you know, but what it and like, how did they get caught? Where are they all idiots? Well, they just tell the story of them doing something and then they go on a run. Right. And they get caught while they were on the run and how they got caught. And, you know, who ran them out and it's fucking insane. I can't even imagine like the like the anxiety of that like going on a run and

Now they're talking. What do you think? Well, like isn't isn't it weird that people are talking about all this shit about what? I mean, I guess like just the crimes Like it's I don't know like the crime podcasts have like blown up Listen man, it's always been an intriguing part of Society, you know, you said it like what Charles Manson did I read that book like in high school and that was a disturbing book That was a disturbing crime. I did not like reading it. I don't like the song help the scalper I don't like nothing about this fucking shit but it was

Fascinating at some point and then when I got into it, I'm like this ain't as fascinating as I thought it would be, you know Yeah, I always loved Those like locked up shows more like they have a documentary crew in prison. I don't know. I watched all of them We're like they have a documentary crew in prison. I don't know. I watched all of them They had like locked up like Nat Geo had a couple of them and I just watched one That's great. If you ever see it on TV It's like locked up Boston and it's just like the more like the stereotypical Boston people just going crazy in prison, but I Don't know. I've always been Because it's just so far out of my realm of like so far. That's fascinating to people

It's like gangsters are fascinating to people. Yeah, you know like all that shit That's why they keep making these shows and the shows are got all yeah They keep making these shows after sopranos. It was very tough to top that in any form, you know and Then he tried to come back with a movie which I was in that didn't work out too good. There's been a couple projects that people you know, I like the Irishman a few complained about it. It was just too long. It was just too long. And you know, it's just a genre that disappeared. But still, every night there's something on

that geo biography every night there's something about mobsters is a show called mobsters There's another show that they talk and it's the same people over and over from 19 fucking 70 and 80 You know these people today don't even know these people up They don't even know they are like when you say they released that John Gotti movie Richard Walter Right, even if Jesus put away put play Gott. He only got it would have got the same response Because nobody remembers John Gotti. That was 1985 Right if these kids were you know Fucking in the grunge era, they don't remember all that shit

They were too busy jumping up and down not putting the odor in a Going to raves and shit. Listen to sound garden, you know, I was I wasn't worried about that shit and like do you do you think? It's still going on to like that level today Like like you're talking like those people who's gonna be crime Lee. Well, there's always a black market for things There's always gonna create something You know, I think about pills and how There's a big problem with them in pharmacies, but then I got at the same time There's a black market from when they get out in the black market People I I imagine people are selling them selling them stuff like that

But there's still there's got to be a leak somewhere to get everybody hooked so it's like every level of stuff, there's no more, listen, you can't use a credit card unless you use it online. Okay, it's not like you go face to face anymore and use a credit card, they'll pinch you in 10 minutes. There's cameras, there's live cameras, there's everything in the store. I went to it, I went to my daughter's softball game

a couple of days ago. I'm sitting there And then I parked by a McDonald's because I was waiting to get parking I just parked by McDonald's and I was looking at the field and I wasn't doing any crime at all I wasn't smoking that was a vision. I'm just sitting there looking at the sky and I noticed how many cameras were at McDonald's I And I noticed how many cameras were at McDonald's. I noticed how many cameras were next to it, like a change your oil thing. Right.

It was like a change your oil thing. I'm just looking at the cameras. I looked across the street. There was Popeye's Chicken cameras everywhere. So they're showing you these 13 in-your-face cameras. And then you have to ask yourself how many cameras are really out on the street. I mean with ring cameras now every house has a camera.

Every ring camera. So you bust into the front, the door, the back, there's a ring camera in the neighborhood that's going to pick you up. So all those types of crimes, those are high end, like not high end, those are like low percentage crimes because there's a high percentage. You're gonna get caught right? You're gonna get caught you're going into somebody's house these people doing break-ins into people's homes now in the area It's fucking crazy. They'll always be a mafia. They'll always be a Russian mom. They'll always be a triad They'll always be a Yakuza

They'll always be a triad to always be a Yakuza. They'll always be you know What's the fuck? Yeah, it's just crazy. Like I'll be I'll live my entire life and never know like I'm like near I just say like that world will never be something I understand No, you're not supposed to understand you're supposed to leave this world and standing yourself and your path and your journey, the world, if you sit here and try to figure it out, especially in today's world, you're going to have a heart attack. You know, again, there's so much information thrown at you on a daily

fucking basis that that's why people losing their minds. Yeah. That's why people losing their minds right in front of you whether men are snapping They just followed by Rob Marciano wife. I don't know. He had an anger tantrum Listen, man, there's a lot of pressure on the Americans right now now. You got a vote. That's pressure this summer Fucking everything is high gas this that People like what we can't go to fucking Florida this year. We can't go to Disney this year we'll have to rent the fucking tent like with the

intruders what do you call these people Campus fucking rioters. Oh Little encampments and shit, you know It's it's gonna be tough and people are angry they get information thrown at them, you know, you know, it's, it's gonna be tough and people are angry. They get information thrown at them. You know, you, yeah, I know I came down here. I think I was up late, like 12 15. You know, I was up late one night.

I come down, I'm going to the channels and it's 12 15 at night. Give it a break. There was still three political shows on they yell and ones about the protesters ones about the Trump hush money and the other ones about the fucking Jews and you're like 1215 at night It's 12 15. I put a commercial on when you sell fucking You know purses to whatever I don't give a fuck, but it's 12 15 at night and

there's times I've been on the road and you fall asleep and wake up at 5 and It's a political show and they argue with it 5 in the fucking morning The last thing I want to do is wake up at 5 in the fucking morning. Listen, it's this my life is this simple now If something's going to disturb me I look at my whoop watch if my stress level goes up. That's it. I moved the fuck out. I Control my life through whoop now. I ain't fucking around And there's no me I was thinking I wonder how this wouldn't affect your stress level So I went I did a show last night. Okay, but the venue

had like gender like like Completely gender-neutral bathroom. So it was either one room with urinals and one room with dolls I had to take us like I had to go take a shit and They're like really I I didn't know what I've never shared with a woman in the room before They smelled it before they got dads. They got grandpas. They got everything uncles. Would you do that? Would you like what would you go to a bathroom? If it's a gender-sham bathroom? Yeah, absolutely Listen, I'll go to the bathroom at the airport where regular people go. They got those little side back Yeah, look for them. You're going there by yourself. They got one for you and your kid. That's the first one. I know

I'll fucking take my pants off. Take a tremendous shit wipe your luggage is there you can watch a movie in there It's a nice bathroom and you don't smell somebody else's nonsense Because when you walk into a bathroom at an airport, that's worse for you to smoke and 20 cigarettes You did you walk in as a man to a men's bathroom in any fucking state? Especially like eight in the morning where you're gonna get hit with in your nose His 20 different shit odors and when you walk out of there You don't even fucking know what's going on from it. You're like, what the fuck was that? I I refuse to go to a bathroom in those places really? Yeah

I go to the bathroom in those places. Really? Yeah. I go to the fucking transgender bathroom, a bathroom with the fucking with a kid. You know, it's his family bathroom. That's me. That's Joey's bathroom. That's me. That's your lounge. You're not a family. Yes, I am. My wife, my kid over there. And they came in first. We all peed together and they left. All right. That's an American family mind your business I swear to God. I won't if you look at any terminal

You'll see them. Oh, I've seen I just thought you had to be a family people just don't go in them because they think they're gonna Throw you under the jam. Yeah Go with him Has anyone ever said shit to you one time I walked out of a bathroom and there was like a family From some other country and there was smell and I just blew a tremendous fuck the whole thing. I just got off a plane That's what it was. I just got off a plane at LAX. It was early I was holding it in because I'm not gonna shit in the bathroom on a plane. You wouldn't do that. No, that's embarrassing No, I go that's why you don't go to Popeye's chicken before you fly

You only nothing that you could take a chance before you fly. What do we have that you have to in your house? in your house You drink that you get up half hour early you drink that coffee you flush your system You're going to fucking bathroom you take your little horse shit And then you get in the car and you fly to the airport or whatever the fuck you gonna do click your heels I don't fuck it though. Yeah, but sometimes you have to dig I don't do it a lot But like what do you would you shit your pants on a plane? No, I've never been in that position

knock on wood I Can't imagine not shitting. About, about, not this time, like three times ago when I went to Austin, I'm sitting there and this chick didn't move the whole flight, like she sat next to me and just put like a bunch of towels on her head and fucking blankets and I was like,

this is the weirdest thing ever. The girl came to serve us breakfast. She didn't want breakfast. But there's like an hour from landing, 45 minutes from landing, this girl gets up and goes in that bathroom. I'll tell you how long she was in there for. There was four fucking people waiting for like 20 minutes.

Fuck. And this girl came out, everybody came out of that bathroom after, we're like what? And she went back and I went in there like up to six people and there was still blood in the bathroom. Like this chick had a kid in the bathroom, something and everybody somebody complained to the store. This the bathroom was a fucking mess.

Yeah, there's blood all over the back. Blood on the back of the toilet seat like a rasshole exploded. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know. Yeah, there's blood all over the back blood on the back of the toilet seat like a rattle exploded I don't know what happened. I don't want to know But I just can't I'll do this not take a dump in a family bathroom It's big they got fans in there, you know, they try But all those other places when you sit in that stall first of all soon as you sit in that stall 200 people been asked chase on that stall with rashes at least impulse on their asses and now you go

Some guy sits on a toilet on a whitehead and when he lands the white explodes You come in after that and sit on that fucking toilet Oh, and then you put your balls in the water with 400,000 men put their balls in the water So now when your sweet wife sniffed your balls, she sniffed the balls of 40,000 fucking men So but either all this is preventable. That's what I go into the fucking Handicap, but you still have balls in the handicap bath. No no I don't I never put my ball in the toilet you know, but somebody what what trick do you use in the handicapped in the family room like Why can't you just do that in the regular population balls in my nuts in case somebody drops a bomb on the airport?

You gotta be prepared me I guess what's with the questions anyway, huh? Anyway, what's going on in the world of comedy this week? This is an exciting week I have a show Tonight at Williams were a comedy club, but then To do I'm doing what is it six shows of with like a the funniest people but like shows of with like a the funniest people but like Like my friend like you I don't know if you remember but it was you Steve and I at the Wilbur It's like to do like shows with you guys again. It's gonna be awesome. And then join Philadelphia with Josh

That's why I'm excited because it's me you and Steve. Yeah I know I could giggle we could get high on the on the way there easy tell stories on the way back people I've not you know, and what are you gonna do it again? Never? Fucking no You know people call me like you didn't tell me I didn't know Meal he had a conversation. He told he reminded me cuz I tell me all the time remind me to wake up It's you know, you tell me May 15th I'm like okay yeah and also May 15 comes along and nobody reminds me of shit you know and

so as you called the other day I'm like alright so where are you you said here and I looked around and I asked Simone and Simone was I could come up and I go fuck it let's just look we go in there We do what we got and we get the fuck out of the hangout 45. I ain't got 45 minutes That doing a tell 30 That's all you need. Hey, listen, that's all I got but I get out with you guys. I get some comment. I get to watch you See what the fuck you're up to, you know, and it's nice. I get out of the house I get out of the house a couple nights this week. Am I botchy ball league starts up Tuesday? Oh, it's again. Yeah Fucking Wednesday night. I got the thing there isn't I got the thing so I'm pretty fucking excited this week

I get to get out that's it. The Sun's gonna start coming out again so, you know I'm good. That's awesome. I I Started like I was epic this week not like the generic version because you were talking about how expensive things are Like I tried to get like that name brand 1100 a week a month I couldn't It's it's ridiculous what they're doing with it now and all you have to do Anybody order

They call peptides Okay, I get peptides. It's a pet. That's what it is. Sigma multitude. Whatever they say Yeah, is a peptide like that and there's another one like 157 which repairs tissue promotes recovery They have thousands of peptides If you go to the right people, they'll get the peptides from a notable company Not the people on Instagram and fucking you know a notable company Somebody that they trust that they've worked with before and they could shoot you for a third of the cost That's what people have no idea And I got lucky because I found like issues smart

I looked her up the woman who's I'm doing it through is a registered nurse with the University of Miami Yeah, and all she does now is she has like a little like our old office spaces She just sits there the first time she teaches you how to do this. I'm you have to do the shot yourself, which is terrifying but It was a third literally a third of the price and it was only my first time but I did notice Like a difference and like how I felt what's it? No No, I'm not gonna what am I supposed to do?

Shoot what you do is take some of these a bx capsules I'll shoot you next time tell us she with a dose of that's that goes into yourselves. You're mad weak That's the future. I think that might be the first OD what a bx animals. No, not a bx specifically but Shooting up an animal. It's a joke. I know it's a joke. I'm saying the future is coming Somebody's gonna put together a THC IV Any day there's a kid fucking Russia, Germany Puerto Rico, there's a kid right now is like listen. There's a better way to do this shit You know the marijuana industry didn't get better by people not trying to see outlets

You know two years ago we had THC inhalers that they work not really but at least somebody gave it a try You know, and that's what's gonna happen. None of those IV companies have it like a THC trip. You would think they were yet I don't think you could shoot THC into your blood. I'm not sure I'm not a doctor. I'm a fucking stoner and I'm a already comic so don't fucking you know You know Joey said you could know I didn't say that next thing No, you're drinking bleach cuz fucking Trump told you to I was just thinking that you remember that and it's like don't man Yeah, you have to give fucking 20 times You have to tell people but people have done weird things. I mean, what's his name snorted ants?

Right. Well, I have and they have like because I did a show at one in Minneapolis It was like a weed but it was a bar again. All they had was edible drinks They had tinctures and they made it into drinks, but you would think they're gonna have that with everything. Did you ever drink attention? Yeah, yeah, we did. We have we did everything you would but you would you're supposed to put them in the water and you would Just shoot down our mouths. You would just have every open up like this is like it's almost have eight ounces of water What do you want to fucking diluted for? It's supposed to be like a sip a sip. It's not a sip I did it one morning like a 10 in the morning.

Somebody put in water correctly. Right. We club soda or something. I drank only three hours later. I'm like, that ain't shit. About seven hours later, I was like. What have I done? Yeah, I was pretty whacked up. I was pretty fucking whacked up.

What I was thinking about you on the drive up. What, like if you were going to rank your favorite, what would like, what would be your favorite weed mushroom? Like what, like, is there one that like you love more? I've always loved the feeling of marijuana. What it does for me. That's always been my, since I'm 21, I'm like, I don't think I can live without it. I made a constant decision, like,

listen, now I get up in the mornings, the first four bunkets knock my wig off, but they get me going. They get me in the shower, they get me to eat breakfast, they get me to the gym. Maybe I'll do two bunkets before the gym, that'll get me in the shower. They get me to eat breakfast. They get me to the gym. Maybe I'll do two bunks before the gym. That'll get me to the gym. But that I'm just chasing, you know, if I take a breather from it and then at night, if I switch and because then I'll get high again for a little while for the eight o'clock TV rush, maybe enough

to get me to eat. So if you didn't- Two pieces of licorice. If you didn't get high, you wouldn't have the motivation to do things? I didn't say that. It's something like that, but it's a very, it plans out my day for me. Wow. It really does let me know

you know I'm sick of saying this but it's the truth. The great Bill Hicks said pot doesn't make you lazy it just makes you realize that what you're gonna do ain't worth the fucking effort. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. And the reason why it's so great is because it's very true. At least for somebody like me. It never made me lazy.

You've seen me. I go to work, Jack, but it levels out my day. Like right away, my day becomes a schedule. Okay, this schedule starts with me going for a walk. It's 80 degrees. Let me go for a walk Let me get a little vitamin D to get the blood going. I know I gotta send an email I know I gotta put this audition on tape. I know I gotta put a podcast I got a thousand things to do, but it's 80 degrees Let me get out move a little bit get a little vitamin D a boom clear

Shift you got an idea while you're walking pop your phone But the bottom of the memo and keep walking Yeah, can't with the weed. I don't have any of that that's the morning meditation for me and then my day gets planned up and What I don't't wanna do gets eliminated. That weed gives me the motivation to put together a lie. Get out of whatever situation I'm in that day to make my day run smoother.

Because sometimes I plan a bunch of shit, one at a time, 12, I get out of that 12, I get out of that one, I come home, take a shower. I got something at two, then I got three, 2.30, and then I got to be home from lunch, you got 3.15, something's gotta break. So maybe the 2.30 guy, listen, we'll do it tomorrow. Maybe the two o'clock guy, we'll do it tomorrow. When people call me to have meetings, I always don't make a day meeting.

I go, let's talk. That night, let's talk the night before. So I'm like, don't make them a day meeting. I'm gonna let's talk That night. Let's talk the night before so I know where to put it But when I wake up in the morning is when I go this is what I'm doing and this is what I'm not doing I've been going up north for three months. I have not been in North Bergen and Since February Clipside Park Rudy since February

One once a week. I wake up and I go today's the day I go up north. I gotta go to my mother's cemetery I gotta do this. I gotta see this guy Get up. I look around like oh hang on. I'm not that's an hour drive up and back And I'm in a car and it's nice out You know, we live in a fucking I live in Jersey dog and the weekend suck Beautiful I've never seen anything like this in all of my goddamn life. Why do the weekend suck because it rains every week My clockwork God damn life. Why do the weekends suck? Because it rains. Every week? Like clockwork.

One of the two days. Look at, yesterday, where it rained like half the day and it was cloudy. Today, it's gonna be fucking 80 degrees, maybe 90. Then it rains Wednesday Thursday a little Friday off and then Saturday and Sunday again Now yeah, one of those days will get sunlight But you better bet your ass. I ain't gonna be Saturday or Sunday last weekend was nice

I got a tremendous I got such a sunburn last week that it burnt through my skin here on my face I couldn't even put my sleep at me man Look, I still got scab falling off my fucking forehead the Sun at least I built a fucking layer of skin under there You said that last week. I don't think that's how skin works Anyway, it doesn't matter I'm not rated comic and I saw I'm a stone and I'm a dad. Thank God. What I wanted to talk to you about, what really happened in

common last week that I keep thinking that people keep using this as a crutch is what site though said, fine. It's time for, you know, he's promoting the show. So obviously he's been going on interviews and he's been very vocal. I haven't listened to any interviews, but I did read where he said that piece of comedy is done to something like that because of political correctness on the left or the right, which to this day at 61, I don't know what the left or the right is on that and really give fuck. And it's really crazy when I hear that statement,

because there was a period for about three months that I thought about stand-up comedy. I wasn't doing it. Guys, all I got is stand-up. You know what I'm saying? It's not like I collect butterflies. It's not like I go hunting. It's not like I... hunting. It's not like I, this was, I was a student at comedy.

I'm very proud to say I was always a very good student at comedy. Before I got on stage, I had fear. Before I went out and got on a professional stage, when I was behind jail, I had no fear because there was nobody watching, except a bunch of criminals. But when it was time to really get on stage, I prepared how I thought was best.

And I watched, I was a standup hours and hours to stand up. And I read books and I, you know, tried to write and I, you know, went to comedy shows, like when I got into comedies, when I started really going to comedy and watching people and going, Oh shit. Then I went to a couple of comedy shows and said, this guy's terrible. I don't know what these people are talking about. I may be doing comedy for six months, but this is a horror show, you know? So, but I've always been a fucking student of the game and I

really appreciate clean comedy. John Mulaney is one of the game. And I really appreciate clean comedy. John Mulaney is one of my favorites. And I appreciate Andrew. I appreciate Kenison. I appreciate Hicks. You know, I appreciate a lot of fucking guys. But as a comic, we forget, somewhere in the podcast era,

and when you do something with TV, you forget the essence of comedy. The essence of comedy is an outlaw. We were always known as outlaws. There was a room, it was a burlesque, a fucking magician that wanted to fucking rape someone because they're always wanted for rape magician Hate magicians. No, I don't hate them, but they you know, they make things disappear and then you had comedians and they each had their

Was an alcoholic this and then you put that up in vaudeville and you look at the essence of a comic and what you know They found stones with people doing comedy and the fucking you know Cavemen and shit the one like fucking whatever so it's been around entertainment's been around forever All this comedy and I'm like It's like going out with a gun and putting two securities on I went out with a gun and putting two securities on it. Like putting the security on the trigger and then having to take your key out

before the guy shoots you to unlock the thing and double check. You know, comics have been tippy-toeing a lot around that. And when I got back on stage, I didn't tippy-toe. And I gotta be honest with you, right off the bat, I got a couple stage. I didn't tippy-toe and I got to be honest with you right off the bat I got a couple of mixed reactions And it like threw me for a loop like I was like this quick like this quick it changed the time Was the people who didn't know you do you think?

Yes, and no like when I went to do the thing with birth I went off a little bit I could see people in the front like just petrified them like I'm in New Jersey Wow, okay, and then I did something with Atlantic City was a washout with Joe. I just bombed But there was something I did Bert's Okay, and what happened there? Did you think everyone there would love you? Oh I Was a little bit of a Little bit of a

Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of older they shouldn't be there when an old guy when a 23 year old goes up and talks about sex it's acceptable because he's 23 when a 61 year old so I always tipped all around sex I don't talk about sex no it's gross it's gross to me when a guy my age goes up there why if I want to grow like I have I've been writing a thing where I have sexual fantasies I just can't fulfill fulfill them right. That's money. I'm a bum I'm a bum when it comes to that shit, you know, I'll bring my wife down. She'll tell you herself

So, uh, let's try for a mushroom Little dummy. We just we already took some mushroom now with you took two pieces of fucking yeah, too How about we gonna eat the whole bar to get warmed up? This is silly's guys. The flavors this Louie oh, yeah, baby Four grams and eat back. No, this is just a little piece. What's the matter? It's four at least there's four grams isn't four grams. No, that's why I said why is it? Why is it already? I'll give you a full Yeah, take it. Oh, this is good

Can't walk on one leg it's Tuesday 7 the mile I feel that When I was talking to a comic Sunday morning I'm not gonna fucking city and drop name I was talking to a comic Sunday morning. I'm not gonna fucking sit here and drop names. He called me to ask me about something. And we were discussing Cat Williams special. How he had the ideas, but he didn't pull the trigger.

And it's very weird when you're a young comic and you have nothing, you know, and you start now, it's right. I've seen young comics say shit that I was like, oh, and then they're never allowed to work at the club again at the open mic. It's a coffee shop and they're doing something weird. But when you've worked this hard to lose it for saying a joke or whatever, I mean, I feel, I've always felt that cat Williams is Michael Jackson bit is one of the best bits of all time. It's a fucking 10 minute rant that is brilliant on every fucking level, how you broke it down.

If you're going to talk about somebody, break down the levels and build them together and draw a picture. And he did that opens up with him talking about little Kim not being a snitch and it turns into Michael Jackson. Then it closes with him bringing women to his house with Alice and pillows. It's a great bit because he pulled the trigger and he pulled the trigger in front of a black audience on Michael Jackson Which really chopped him down the middle and he kept pushing it until he kind of won him 6040 and then he closed with that and it wasn't an even not only did he do it in front of a black audience I don't remember the year the special came up. I was Michael alive Yeah, it was a different time like now like people would still get upset now. It was alive and chicken that like that's

And that and that's what I was gonna say is not that open micers I'm gonna open my car. We should be allowed to say what we want. But the difference that I've seen is Open micers will say something like almost just to get the like the response or the shot I say yeah and it's a natural thing to do because If you're an open mic, and I see you up to four or five times, you're not taking those shots That this is all part of it and one time you're gonna take those shots that are cool and one time you're gonna go over The level like I'm sure I did. Mm-hmm. I'm very positive, but I went over a level one night

Could have been in Seattle and I don't remember at the contest, at the Seattle comedy competition, it could have been anywhere because that's where I learned my things. And then I would look at people, I wouldn't say that, even though I, you know what I talk about? I would look at people and say, I wouldn't go that way.

And if you're gonna go that way, make it a little bit more colorful. You know, PC is what you want it to be and where you're at I respect the hell out of Nate Bargartzi you know he does fucking great clean comedy man he looks good up there you know his delivery you know he he only does comedy that everybody could go watch And I respect that I respect the hell out of that I've never bad mouth clean comic like that magician. Yeah, not

a clean comic that does magic Yeah, I'll bad mouth of his dad is a magician just so you know who Nate Barghetti's dad is a magician. Yeah I didn't know that Nate Barghetti's brilliant. Oh, I like his shows He's in arenas now and he's doing these perfect shows and it works for him But and I guess that's sort of like why I asked you if the people who had that reaction to you were like your fans Because it really that really no, they weren't my fans. I was starting out. Oh, but I'm just saying like you build your audience Listen, man, I go out some nights and I've been home for three days, you know talking to an 11 year old and my wife

My neighbor whoever I talked with the gym who I talked to in jujitsu Everybody's pretty, you know calm every once in a while. I could say some crazy shit but for the most part some nights I go out to uncle Vinny's and In some nights I go out there like a fucking animal. I've been in the house for fucking four nights So as soon as I get down there after that joint after that drive Listen to Madonna burning up over and over or Alice and change when I get on stage I jump on them and I forget that they only had two guys before And I could see their faces it's like what a fucker and I'll open up with something just because I want them to know

What time it is? I don't want no charades. I was never a charade guy. I Want you to know what time it is. I don't want no charades. I was never a charade guy. I Want you to know what time it is so I fucking Come out with something that they're gonna go who? And I put the way I say it's with my heart and my balls So they never have a at least I commit to it Right and and but it's also not like filled with hate and the, but it's also not filled with hate. That takes 10 years and it's not filled with hate. There's a smile on my face.

I'm giggling. I'm baffled. You know, I'm bad, but I'm not going to go up there and say, you, it's like people with hecklers. Okay. I'm not in business to get into an argument with heckler. I'm not, I've never been in that business. I've made some mistakes. I've made some really bad mistakes, but they're all justifiable. But I never based my act on that. On getting heckled? Yeah. Like I never based my act on

fighting with hecklers. But there was one night I was opening up a Joe man and some fucking guy didn't like Joe. He didn't like any of us. And he told his wife he was going to go drink him with his friends and right before the show, he came with his girlfriend, with his wife and their girlfriends. So he was just pissed and he was just there to fucking. Let's wait till little short Joe Rogan comes on stage and all this shit

so I think Duncan opened the show and I went up after Duncan he started on me and I knew what I like I had already broken him down. I was watching him. I Knew what he was doing. There was eight women in him and he was Hammett That means he was in his friends, but he couldn't believe his girlfriend was going out to see Joe Rogan. This is 15 years ago, before I met you, it was me, Ari and Joe at either the Brea or the Irvine Emperor.

I'm watching them and I'm going, this is the type of fucking dude that his dad didn't whip him with a belt Look at this. He's upset because his girlfriend wants to go. I can see if she said I'm gonna spill 54. I'd be upset It's girls night. We're going to steal 54 on a limo, you know Lisa's boyfriend owns a hotel in the city and I'm like, oh, here we go But she's going to a county show and they're going right back to Lisa They probably had a kid together

Well, they took him out arrested him. They fucking threw him on a car car And as he was leaving The wife was outside crying and she goes he did this a month ago. Oh, no So why then why do you incite this guy stay home or get a new boyfriend? No, so why then why do you incite this guy stay home or get a new boyfriend? Well, that's and luckily like that's Not PC like unfortunately people are fucking drunk Well, yeah people are drunk, but I think a comic

Especially young comics because I know a lot of comics listen to this podcast I know that you're out there talking to them. It's for right now, do your shit. Do you, it's very hard to do and be, it's very hard to become and be you. It takes time, it takes a lot of work because we'll forget. And like, if you get into comedy at 28 32, you're still developing as a man. So, but the one thing that needs to develop is if you're going to go up there and say something that's on PC and you know it, you know it already.

You're not a moron. At least code it Code it a little bit more and say confidently like this is your belief You really fucking believe this you know because if not, they're gonna see right through and They might not disagree with you or agree with you, but they respect that you had a voice Let's see. It's fun cuz you were I don't feel like I'm I have like the personality to be like as dirty Or like even like swear as much as you like I know that I'm not a clean comic by any means But like I don't know I just

When I see you and I see me I like I'm like I don't think I could say fuck That much and have it be like believable So like I've been working on like stuff like that like like do you if I say stuff like that with confidence? I don't know. It seems false to me if I got a lot of fucking emails on patreon Facebook, you know, Twitter, not that many on Instagram from people

like with comedy shit. Okay. And people ask me simple questions that if they would have asked me when I was doing comedy eight years or 10 years, I would have been stumped. But I understood the journey now a lot better than I did 20 years ago.

And part of the journey is getting to know you so you can represent you the best way you can on stage. And you might not always get laughs, but at least you're working on the best muscle you can, which is being you. I don't want you to go up there and say you don't like tuna fish. You eat tuna fish. Right. I don't want you to go up there and say you don't like tuna fish if you eat tuna fish right, I don't want you to go up there and make up a joke like Up there and fake that you don't like when your wife has orgasm and you had a life and you don't have a wife you know that Thousand things it took me years to get away from the cocaine chitter chatter

And I did for years and guess what I brought it back this year a little bit and I'm having fun with it because now I look at it a lot differently than when I looked at being off coke eight years ago. It's been 17 years and now I look at it completely different the shit I was doing at the end of fucking, you know, it was just, and I laugh, I've made it funny in my head. It's like if you watch Scarface enough, it becomes a comedy

Hold on one second. Let's go to a word from our sponsors. We'll be right back We want to talk to you this week about better help. I'll see you in a minute. Hey uncle Joey here I want to talk to you about something that Listen, I was with them about two years ago. And today I feel a lot better because I do The exercise that they worked with me on and to be honest See this episode is also brought to you by that and I'm talking about better help When's the last time you really really celebrated a win? Therapy can help you not lose those moments pass you by Better helps online therapy helps empower you and teaches you to set boundaries and helps you learn

Positive coping skills. That's what I did. I didn't get no better I just learned how to deal with it and I understood that life's got his little things and I got mine and we're gonna have to meet halfway in The middle that's what I learned from better help. So do yourself a favor. I love that better Help is on it beside online I'm gonna tell you why because you could plan sessions around your busy schedule After work when you want to vent before work Do therapy from on your couch or on the go while you drink your favorite coffee or tea? Whatever works for you and getting started is very simple. Just take a quick quiz

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We were talking about PC or being a comic Right now. I just want you to work your game If you put it's like people go to jiu-jitsu and they're good at it when they you bump into them at the supermoney You're like what happened? I'm scared of getting hurt. Well, if if you ever got on a bicycle and go downhill You know, you're not scared of falling off the bike and hitting your fucking head These are all the chances you take and these are all part of growth This is all part of growth.

So for a while I had a guy in my ear years ago, Joey, you're older, you got to stop going to jujitsu. You're going to break this and that. And for a while I was believing it and I would go to jujitsu and I'm like, oh, it's today the day I'm going to and guess what would happen? I get hurt because if you're gonna dwell there, then you're gonna be there. And it's the same with fucking comedy.

If you're gonna go up on stage and worry about bombing, you know what? You're gonna have 10 shows in your life that you should worry about bombing. It's none of this shit you're doing now. You know what I'm saying? Like in 30 years, there was 10 nights that my sense mattered. And the first 10 years of it, I'm lying to you, my showcase at the Comedy Store. That mattered. My showcase for

the Seattle Comedy Competition. That kind of mattered. But for 10 years, the first five or six, it didn't matter. You're with Helen's Comedy Kitchen. Do you think somebody is going to come up to you 20 years from now and go, man, I saw you at Helen's Comedy Kitchen tonight, you bomb. But that's how you think. I used to get pissed if I bombed at open mics. No.

Open mic I learned like the third year, especially when I came to New York. I started in Denver guys. So I wasn't a very secluded market. It was a one comedy. It was a comedy works in Denver, had an open mic, three minutes and comedy works in Fort Collins Had an open mic three minutes. Everybody else was bar shows and fucking coffee shops and poetry readings

And what we talking we're talking about Bombings nobody but going to New York and I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm like, really? It was a bucket. The guy, come on guys, please. So you didn't know. So I came to New York and reality set in

when I would walk into a bar and go, hi, my name is Joey Diaz. I'm visiting here from Denver. I'd like to do a spot. And they're like, absolutely. I'm like, really? Yeah. It opened with that book.

How about Thursday at six 30. Okay, you want to do 10 minutes? Okay. And on the way out, they go, don't forget, 10 people for 10 minutes. And you're like, 10 people? What the fuck are you talking about? You gotta bring 10 people.

You can guess what? I did it. I did a little stand up in New York. I did New York comedy club at the time. There was a couple of clubs that I would ask my friends, I need you guys, I'm gonna pinch and they would go, okay. And I would do it, but it was so easy, but you always had, there was always a by the way,

I remember going to a comic strip with Lucius, God rest his soul. And he gave me a pamphlet, like a fucking booklet. And he's like, you? And there were two for one tickets. And that's how you got stage time? Yeah, that's how you got stage time. For every ticket you sold, you got 10 seconds. And then if you did 10 of them, Lucius would see it. And maybe you could be a regular at the club. Come on, man.

It was a grind. It was a great time. And I was like, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. seconds and then if you did 10 of them Lucius would see it and maybe you could be a regular at the club Come on, man. It was it was a crime

So when I went by I looked and I was like, you know I told you I'm doing open mics at 11 o'clock at night. Your spot is at 2 15 Who 15 a.m. And you're out there. This is I don't even think there's a late-night open mic in New York There's a couple not many but there's like 11 p.m It was no this shit this is when they started at midnight went to 330 and Sometimes for to pick up the people before they came out of fuckers strip club to get a handjob You'd be on stage and you see a chicks hand going up and down fucking just

Insane, but once I saw ten months of that, I'm like, this shit's gotta end. I gotta go back to Denver because now I know what my mission is. This is a lot rougher than where I was. For a long time, I'm like, damn, I don't get enough states. Whoa, Nelly, this was too much state time. I gotta bring too many fucking horses to the stable.

This, I just have a friend, I call him up, and he tells me how many minutes I could do. And I had like three of those guys. So, it's a process, it takes a fucking long time and just swing with it. You know, an email the other day, that's the one I had to add to an email the other day and somebody said to me, why didn't I ever do

Letterman or Leno or something? Sometimes, you know, I get like 20 of these. So it takes me a couple of days because I gotta think about it. And guys, I write these for the book. You know, we're gonna start going through the podcast pretty soon, myself and Erica, and getting all the gems we put on here.

The purpose of this podcast was to come out with comedy ways from an open mic or a feature act to a headliner for you to make your comedy journey a lot easier. I'm not here to make it harder and a lighter or to be Johnny genius. I'm not we're just trying to talk about the open mic process because recently I had to get back on stage after a big layoff and it's the same thing. I feel like an open mic.

And I don't, I don't still have the weapons I had at the comedy stores before the pandemic. I'm the first guy to tell you, I'm not gonna lie to you. If I had eight weeks at Rogan's club, I will get it, but I don't have eight weeks. I'm a dad. I gotta be be around I got alert. She's on a name. How big she is She's huge fucking like turning into like a real person. Yeah, like oh my god So yeah, it's good, but it's good Like do you have like do you see growth every time you go to Austin or every time you do like a bunch of shows? It's time. They're delicious. Oh, no

choose enough It's delicious Enough I Swear God you can see that's all I could think I was like you have to eat it because it's right on camera Cuz if you don't hear people in driving that's three and two pieces Five I ate five What the fuck? It looks like my fungi toenail. This one's got left out. This is huge. All right, eat a half. Don't worry. Eat half of it.

I'm staying on this couch. Okay. It says who? It's fine. Anyway, while he's coming out, I'm gonna go ahead and go ahead and do a little Caution Says who it's fine Anyway, why he contemplates large I

Already told him I got him a hospital bed. I could call him tonight and get you there tonight I think you might need to have anti hallucinogenics and they have an IV And I gave you the certifiable IV I'll need another room at the morgue after evening. What are you talking? He eat this Can you imagine what that would happen? Go to yeah, it's a fucking I love how they put they put this in the edible bag No in the yeah mushroom bag fillies believes in freshness. That's very nice of them So but if you eat them together, it's a different the man. It's like eating an extended. It's like eating expired Vicodin

I'm saying you're back by Tuesday It's fucking Sunday, that's right. I Already told you this is magical mystery week tour This is what this little two shows and I was doing a couple of videos. It's called the magical mystery week Least concerned about his job is to listen Tell the job to send overnight to pick up the computer and the rental car keys. It's old Come on let's go Fucking Tuesday the seventh You're not gonna eat it. I wasn't gonna take

Not a bite. They eat after I eat the pouch. That's like a Zen body your pouch. Oh, this is two together I still got it Humidity in the bag Quick quick Just swallow like I did Unbelievable what I got to deal with people see this The mushroom Unbelievable what I got to deal with people see this It's a celebration this guy shows up like you know like Maurice Wiggs. You know he was all concerned He's concerned where the money is

Just another Tuesday morning motherfuckers, you know, I'm saying sorry about the location change We're in the basement of death when the voodoo lounge three We usually do this in the other room, but since we're together we're doing this right here right now for you On a Tuesday, well this poor bass making noises Right now I feel like that scene and fucking trading places when the brother is dying and he's interviewing people He's like your brother's dying. I don't give a fuck and he's like At the end of the movie when the fucking yeah when they lose their fortune But look at me so what I have for six minutes making noises looking at his in pouch giving me for two minutes He thought it was really a Zen pouch

Yeah, and he's like it's like winter green. I wouldn't be surprised if you made a face Something yeah, that's his it All right, you mix listen a little Zen would have fucked a mushroom cap Swing oh, I got fucked up. I've seen how many drugs I eat I had a Zen one time and that shit was crazy. I most people twice twice it fucking killed me I can't eat them no more one time. I went to eat sushi with Rogan and he parked like a half a mile it was uphill oh, I go god damn it and Sure enough we eat and also because you want to zen like oh, yeah, and as I'm eating I go

Sure enough, we eat and all of a sudden he goes, you want a Zen? I go, yeah. And as I'm eating, I go. And sure enough, as I'm walking up that hill, I start fucking sweating profusely because it just hit me. I don't know how many milligrams in that motherfucker, but whatever it was.

I mean, by the time I got to his car, I couldn't stop sweating. I couldn't stop huffing and puffing. I had to sit outside the car and get air, drink a bunch of water. It was horrible. And then one day I took him by mistake and I went to J outside the car and get air drink a bunch of water. It was horrible No one day I took my mistake and I went to jiu-jitsu. I just in my mistake because you get involved It's people are talking to you and also boom. This is in

Damnit, I gotta go fucking do things. Now. I'm all zinned up. I've never had that happen Yeah, you can see you know when I got a thousand other things going through my system, I'm doing bomb hits, I got edibles from the night before, I microdosed edibles three nights a week. You do not microdose. Yes, I do. Since when? People been dropping mushrooms on me

and I started just at night eating a capia and then I went to a Gramonite and now I'm at a gram three nights a week That doesn't sound like my court. I think people take like micrograms. I Thought it was a great. I don't think A microgram you get nothing's gonna happen in your life except you got a shit purple, right? I'm actually gonna get stuck in your ass. Eventually. But yeah, the Gram is a lot for some people.

Like, what are we just eat? Who knows? It's Sunday. I would like someone to know. It's Tuesday. It's Monday. Who knows what night it is? Yeah, we ate this, that, this, you know, I got the heavy duty dose.

I, last night, I'm trying to get mushrooms Sunday, but the guy didn't call me back. I had Saturday night I found the bag and that little thing next to my sleeper there that little chair of love. I Found a little sack that had some mushrooms in at one time and I was popping those grams at night And on the bottom was two fingers of dust those grams at night and on the bottom was two fingers of dust of mushroom dust and a little couple dried up caps you know like when they go to the bottom who doesn't find that at their house i did i fucking took a bottle of water and i sat there about 8 30 i ripped it open it was tasted like that it was like eating dust on an island. You know what I'm saying? I did it in two swigs And I had the weirdest dreams last night. What are you dreaming about? I don't remember

Do you realize that like some people like we just wouldn't eat that jar Like some people just wouldn't like you don't have to eat the jar random mustard, mushroom dust. It wasn't a jar, it was a baggie. I'm sorry. Okay, it was the bottom, it was two inches of dust. That's a lot of dust. It was a lot of dust. I fell asleep very easily.

I didn't need the Michael Jackson tea or nothing. I went upstairs and I fell asleep. And I remember waking up like maybe 132 going things are happening in these dreams tonight you know what I'm saying like I had a pee or something and I had to get back to the dream like I didn't even finish being I said fuck it I'll finish when I get to the bathroom at whatever party I was going to whatever that's how good the dream was but I woke up at 530 the cat wasn't there.

You know? Yeah. Cause when I get up at night, the cats usually there, but then I go pay and come back. He won't move. She, you saw she came down here before I see what we were doing. The light scatter. She's like, I'm out of here. I don't want to be on camera. You ain't paying me sag rates. Anyway, I love it. I love seeing gray. It's good. It's good. It's great to see everyone when I come down. No, it's great to have you come down and now we'll do the show whenever you come down We'll have a little home. I've been trying to look for a home down here something, you know small that I

Don't listen. I love to go into a restaurant with a nice menu and have people sit and eat and do comedy I'm not that type of comic what I'm gonna do sing why you eat? What songs are you saying I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not doing what that dude did in the restaurant and fucking Colorado when he would come out as an all this impersonate. I'm not doing that. So I Don't even know why we brought that up. I'm just not going sorry. So that's the whole thing. I rather Excuse me Got a couple of burps from the zin bag. I mix it the mushroom chocolate Whoo, it was a rough journey a thousand milligrams. It's a fantastic fucking Tuesday. You understand me? I'm feeling tip-top Magoo and so

Should you but to continue that conversation That I thought was very important days It's that You know, I respect Jerry Seinfeld for what he said, but when he talks man people really You know listen to him. He's a master of fucking ceremonies, and I respect them, and I respect that But in perspective I don't want comics to go up there thinking they can't be themselves because then you're not doing comedy You're not doing comedy you're doing an impersonation of yourself Back to the letterman thing. I'm sorry these edibles the mushrooms were taking place

I'm sorry these edibles the mushrooms were taking place They asked me why did I ever do those shows I decided my fourth year of comedy I Was gonna give up that route it took four years to make that decision because I Started out clean and I switched to a suit And I'm not talking about so some low bracket jacket suit. I'm talking about these were fucking suits. Well, you know, I had, I didn't have money, but I had a charge card and I would buy nice suits and the guy would give me 30% off Bobby Schultz.

I still owe him 200 bucks. I swear to God, I love Bob Schultz. And I got locked up and I bought 200 bucks and I didn to God, I love Bob Schultz. I got locked up and I bought 200 bucks and I didn't go back to the boulder to pay him and we got mad at each other and I explained to him I would send it to him. And now I don't know where he is. He could be a little island for all I know who the fuck knows I mean, Bob Schultz just came into my mind now. He made the suits he had.

No, he worked out he was like the manager at this he was like the general manager at this suit place in Boulder. I met him when I first moved there in 87. I'd have money for a suit, but he was in New York and we became friends over the years and then when I didn't need a suit, maybe two years after I met him, he gave me a charge card, he goes, you're spending too much money. Let me run this card fee. I'll get you like $500 credit limit.

And I hate it because I need to close to sell cars and go to college and shit like that. And you said you were wearing a suit on stage. I would wear a suit on stage and be very clean. And then I gave that like eight months and I would notice that when I didn't wear the suit, like if I go to a regular open mic or regular place, like a bar to do comedy and I wore what I wore,

I was getting laughs. And I also realized that when I was working, a bar was working a little bit dirtier. So all that shit I was doing at my job during the week at the broker was null and void because I wasn't being myself. I was trying to be like a Dean because it was state night. Right.

So I was trying to be like Dean Martin, do 15 and then bring somebody up. But it was the same customers every week. So how the fuck am I gonna do the same material? So I had to write a new six minutes every fucking week for these people. And then I go to plan B, which is how's the steak, which is normal for a comic at that level. I was doing comedy for a fucking year. I still remember making an idiot of myself.

At the time, That's a Madonna video Called Boge and she used like little Rubber fucking pitch or something. I went up there one night with two strings with the two things to this day I want to shoot myself in the fucking head, but do you tape of it? Yeah. Yeah, I saved it It was a I thought at the time I put it at the side on my microphone stand and I fucking taped Are you crazily? It was my 16th time on stage. I was a type of guy at that time. There was no tape in my life I wasn't gonna fucking go out and buy a tape recorder and tape I knew people who did that and they drove themselves crazy. I was trying to get funny. I

Didn't need a tape. I was learning how to get funny That shit wasn't in the realm It's one thing I never put the the apple before the tree or the chicken before the egg, you know I always knew I didn't think about headshot. Listen, I started coming 91 and think about a shot to summer 95 That triple asked me for a shot What the fuck was I to get a picture? Look at this and I got a picture of me drinking an egg cream the chef at the fucking restaurant the DCO took the fucking picture for me, so

Take it from there motherfuckers. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's Tuesday the 7th It's gonna be a good week. Hopefully I'll see some of you motherfuckers Wednesday and Thursday If not next time Lee comes to town We'll book some shows again, and that's it. That's that anything you want to tell me gonna be in Philadelphia The home of brotherly love with Josh will Friday two shows Saturday night two shows the punchline in Philadelphia Go to punchline.com. I think that's what it is But if some of the neighborhood and get two tickets to see fucking Lee, you're not gonna see him Wednesday or Thursday

Tickets are sold out scalpers are on hold We got everything locked down. You know saying so and a lot of surprises. So stay black I love you. That's it. That's all I that's all I have Is I do tonight if you're listening to us the night it comes out Williamsburg comedy club 8 o'clock It'd be great to see you. It's gonna be an awesome show I think I know Finish the bag. I mean we did finish the first to bit. We started a bag that was already And now for a word from our sponsors Jack. Have a great week

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